#but why should we have to settle?
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Not necessarily disagreeing with you either, but I've been thinking about this a lot lately just in my regular life, so hopefully you'll humor me with some further thoughts:
First off-- I'm not really sure I'd call "Christian fiction" a genre. It's either a marketing category, as we've discussed, or it's a worldview within which many genres exist.
Yes, all of those genres can be done poorly or well. However, unlike with other marketing categories, when a Christian sci-fi novel is done well, it's shelved with sci-fi; if it's done poorly, it's "Christian fiction." Ditto lighter fare, for the record: the Sir Peter Wimsey books are considered mystery/thriller at my store, not "Christian fiction." I cannot think of any other category of book where this kind of winnowing takes place.
What's left in the Christian fiction section tends to be vapid and hollow not because it is Christian, or light, or cringey, but because it is fundamentally uninterested in being anything but generically Christian and is thus incapable or appealing to anyone else. Sure, I'll grant that maybe a small handful escape being winnowed out into their secular genres, but I'm not sure that I owe it to the marketing category to go hunt them down in the enormous pile of "inspirational" novels, Amish romances, and weird conspiratorial novels about the end of the age. Being wary of so-called "Christian fiction" is not elitism; it's pragmatism, and unless you're at a specifically Christian bookstore that's not gonna change any time soon.
You guys know "Christian fiction" is not a dirty word, right?
Yes, it's stereotyped as fluffy romances or hit-you-over-the-head allegories, but the genre is growing beyond that. Like any other type of book, it can be done well or done poorly, and I'd say there's a similar ratio of good fiction to dreck as there is in any other genre--Christian fiction just gets a much more critical lens applied to it by people who think any mention of faith is cringe.
There's nothing wrong with writing for an audience that mostly shares your beliefs--it can let you get more specific and realistic about what a life of faith is like and dig deeper into the details for people who are already on-board with the basics.
There's a wide range of what "Christian fiction" can do. Sometimes it tries to preach the Gospel to an audience that's already converted. But sometimes it incorporates Christian themes into a good story. Sometimes it features characters who are practicing Christians and whose faith affects how they approach the world. It can dig in to the questions and complications that come with living out ideals in an imperfect world. Someone looking for "Christian fiction" could be looking for any of those things, might just want to have a conversation with someone who shares their worldview. There's nothing wrong with that.
We shouldn't be afraid of the label. The marketing category that has come to define "Christian fiction" is not the limit of what Christian fiction can do. Don't write it off based on the stereotypes--and don't be afraid to add to the genre!
#yeah andrew peterson is in kids#so is that one random RC sproul childrens novel that you can only order online#i can only speak for my bookstore of course but it is uh. part of a pretty major chain#i had a lengthy discussion with the woman at my store who's in charge of all our ordering about this problem specifically#she oversaw my overhaul of the section and i was like 'why isn't Wingfeather over in religion? why isn't sayers?#please please please can i cultivate an endcap that pulls some of this stuff back over where it belongs?#i promise you that christians want to buy it!'#but her response was that if we try to put it with Christian then it will actively turn secular audiences AWAY from those books#and obviously that is the larger and more lucrative demographic#i just think in general that it's okay go be frustrated with what gets pushed to us as Christian art bc functionally it's the leftovers#and some leftovers can be good! I'm not arguing that#but why should we have to settle?#yes i do agree that it's a very nuanced diacussion#and trying to convey that nuance to secular folks has caused me. a lot of frustration of late#anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk#hope this all still reads as friendly and respectful 😊#At The Bookstore#pontifications and creations#sunday school kid
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im sure its been said already but as the election draws near more and more liberals will come out of the woodwork to shame people with a conscience to give away their vote to the democrats for free. i'm already seeing posts saying "why aren't people more concerned about a trump presidency?" you want to know why? it's because people already know he's bad. everyone already knows what he is and what he's done and what he'll do. there's nothing to discuss. he's a racist despotic worm of a man. there's nothing else to say.
biden is currently president. the genocide is happening under his watch. he's the one funding isra*l and arming them; he's sidestepped congress more than once to give them weapons. by oct. 27, the biden administration already knew that "Israel was regularly bombing buildings without solid intelligence that they were legitimate military targets." the state department/biden have engaged in atrocity propaganda, cast doubt on the legitimacy of the death toll recorded by the gaza health ministry, and so on. the united states is currently in the process of trying to pin the "war in gaza" on netanyahu (see sen. schumer's speech) after months of backing blatant genocide as a means to act as if they're "doing something" about the genocide (Instead of, say, threatening to cut off all aid to israel with the condition that all hostilities in gaza, the west bank, and occupied jerusalem are halted immediately and permanently, allowing palestinians freedom to travel, allowing aid into gaza, etc etc etc.)
the long and short of it is that liberals view their own lives as being worth more than palestinians'. that's it. they'll vote for another 4 years of the guy ushering in genocide and supporting apartheid + settler colonialism because he isn't outright attacking them (despite various laws and rulings happening both at the supreme court level and at the local level all over the country that will endanger people). they'll settle for the illusion of safety and security and shame anyone with a conscience and accuse them of "supporting the republicans" when in an actual democracy you would be able to use your vote as leverage to extract concessions from those who want to be elected. that's how it's supposed to fucking work.
democrats are not owed people's vote. if biden loses, it will be biden's fault; it will be his campaign's fault; it will be the democrats' fault. trump is bad; the republicans are bad. we already know this. this is not an endorsement of either. but if democrats are too cowardly and feckless and servile to the motivations of the american empire and never do anything for their constituents then why the fuck should anyone vote for them. you want to get mad at someone, why don't you do something useful and stop worrying about team-sports with a purely selfish basis and start hounding the people in power who are supposed to serve you, the voter.
#i think i already said this and frankly idc#uspol#📁.zip#to me personally it's abhorrent and vile to tell palestinians 'biden is facilitating the murder of your people culture and history but you#still have to vote for him!!1' like how is that not unbelievably callous and ghoulish#frankly speaking. a lot of this 'you should be concerned about trump' is going to turn into#blaming palestinians and arabs and muslims and anyone remotely with a conscience for biden's loss#instead of doing something productive like pushing for people in power to do something they'll nitpick and belittle#and tell palestinians + arabs and muslims + everyone who understands that genocide is bad that they SHOULD#settle for a decrepit genocidal monstrous freak who is CURRENTLY facilitating genocide because#it makes THEM feel better and they aren't personally threatened (yet) by the guy currently in power#any and all 'you're not taking trump seriously' comments should be met with extreme skepticism#because i promise i PROMISE that the vast majority of people unhappy with biden are not going to turn around and vote for trump#and if they do? well guess what THAT'S BIDEN'S FAULT! nevermind the vote uncommitted campaign that was very successful and#will be replicated in the near future. but liberals only care about asthetics and superficial and not#about real material change which is why they'll dress up their callousness and racism in a 'you hate gay people if you dont vote for biden'#like this country is already going to shit we are rapidly descending into fascism and i dont see biden doing anything to even remotely#challenge it do you???? once agian. NOT an endorsement of the republican party but my GOD when the 'lesser evil'#is DOING the evil or normalizing the evil then you cannot settle for 'the lesser'! end of story.
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Father had personally asked Feanor to stand for this portrait, so he was. Father had quietly suggested that perhaps this could be a painless exercise, which did not actually mean ‘painless’ but rather ‘silent’ for Feanor, but he agreed. Father told him this painting did not symbolize anything but his own desire to have a record of all his available loved ones around him, and Feanor was trying to see it that way- for the sake of his own sanity.
Because his stomach was roiling, and there was a heaviness in his chest, a great emptiness which his heart was pounding against, echoing, echoing, echoing.
Father had one hand on Feanor’s shoulder and the other was upon Indis’s. She was sat in front of them, smiling beautifully, little golden-haired Arafinwe in her lap. Around them, her three dark-haired children were gathered. Findis on Father’s other side, Nolofinwe with her, and Lalwen in front of Feanor.
To the unaware eye, Feanor knew, they must all look like they matched. Like they went together correctly. Like a family.
When the portrait was complete and those dark haired children were gathered around the mother and father, who would guess that one child was out of place? Who might glance at all that paint representing their faces and think anything but-
You could almost be her son, Feanor thought, and then his mind replied, But you’re not.
He was so still and he dared not move, because if he did, he’d never get back in place. If Feanor flinched once, the sharp, jagged pieces of him that never fit right in this puzzle would scratch one of them. They’d be annoyed and that would be it: he’d combust in anger, he’d shatter across the floor, snapping and snarling at everyone unnecessarily until he ruined their perfect little scene. Father said this might be a painless exercise. No, no; this was to be a silent, still exercise.
You could almost be her son. But you’re not.
How good a painter was this person Father hired? How varied his faces? Would he capture that Feanor’s nose resembled that of none of the people here? Could he represent that his frame was already different from his father and little half-brother’s?
Would he lie and throw a pleased smile on Feanor’s face? Not even Father had asked him to smile.
You could almost be her son. But you’re not.
Feanor’s presence made them fit together so symmetrically, maybe that was pleasing enough to hide the wrongness of this scene. Maybe that’s why Father made him come here today, the pretty scene. Why he asked him to suffer, even as the longer he stood here, the more and more Feanor felt like he was about to be sick all over the floor.
A ghost, a ghost, there was a ghost looming over their shoulders ruining this perfectly symmetrical scene. Couldn’t they feel her breathing down their necks, icy chill against sweat? Didn’t their perfectly posed heads feel her long, clever fingers wrapped lovingly around their necks?
You could almost be her son. But you’re not.
Feanor’s gaze slipped down to the back of Indis’s head. Her beautiful golden hair. She didn’t wear a crown, this was a family portrait, and that felt worse. So much worse.
If he let his eyes unfocus and his mind wander, he could try to lie to himself that her hair was much lighter and the faces of the children around them more closely resembled his own. The woman in front of him loved him, and she fussed over his hair before they sat for this portrait, and he’d let her do it.
The worst part was Feanor did know that Indis would help him with the ties of his robes, if only he let her.
You could almost be her son. But you’re not.
She’s not, she’s not, she’s not. It was a simple statement of fact. It was scandal enough that the father replaced the wife, when one at least chose a wife, but what freak replaced his own mother?
What would the people who saw this portrait think? Would they see Finwe’s happy family or would they see Feanor’s blaring, uncomfortable intrusion upon what gods and men declared to be a better order of things? Father wanted him to belong here, but he didn’t.
He just didn’t.
You could almost be her son. But you’re not.
A painless exercise. Painless, painless, painless, for them. Silent, still Feanor, a happy accessory to the triumphant union of Finwe and Indis, a grateful stray dog permitted to drink from the bowls provided by Indis’s family.
This exercise was just meant to capture the image of all Finwe loved, nothing more. Don’t think too hard about it, Feanor. You might make the children unhappy.
You could almost be her son. But you’re not.
You should pretend you are, though. That’ll make them like you.
Because they did so disdain him, most of the time. They disliked how he glared at their mother and started fights at family dinners and ignored them in the hallways. Why shouldn’t they? Feanor would hate a person who did those things to his family, too.
He just couldn’t stop, though. He wanted to, sometimes, when the exhaustion and loneliness caught up, and then he remembered that he wasn’t Indis’s son and never would be, and remembering that made him angry. Wouldn’t it just be so damn convenient for them all if he was almost her son?
But he wasn’t.
He was Miriel’s son. That was her name. He had no portrait with her. He loved her.
He loved Miriel, but it was Indis he posed with and-
When the session was done, Feanor jerked away from his father and shoved his way past Lalwen. As he went, Indis looked up at him, caught his eye, and he couldn’t help the sneer that crossed his face.
He hoped that was painless enough for her.
When he returned to his chamber, he went to the wash room and heaved in the pot there. The gagging and retching made wetness prick his eyes, and the sudden tightness of throat made him choke all the harder. The sickness and heaving stayed long past when there was anything in his stomach to lose.
No one came. Feanor hoped maybe Father would, but really, why would he? Feanor had been mostly good, just a little rudeness wasn’t worth either reprimand or comfort.
No, they were together. Maybe admiring their portrait, happy and pleased, or complaining about his behavior again. Really, why couldnt that Curufinwe just accept nice things?
I need to get out of here, Feanor thought, face and body wet with both sweat and tears. I need to leave this place.
He was a good son, and he could do anything else his father wanted but betray his mother further. No, Feanor couldn’t pose as Indis’s son even a second longer. He would destroy himself, if he had to think one more time-
You could almost be her son. But you’re not.
#I understand what it’s like to be surrounded by people all telling you that you belong and it’s okay and just /be nice/#just play ball and settle and you can everything in the world#but you know you don’t belong#and you never will#and pretending is killing you#you won’t you can’t and you’re just so fucking sick of them pretending you can fit if you’re just /nice enough/#because they’re lying to you and themselves#just don’t be angry?? omg why are you angry? stop being angry and enjoy what we say you should want teehee#anyway I love feanor and don’t think he should have just gotten over his mothers death#tolkien#the silmarillion#feanor#tribble post#fanfic
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#obviously i am Thrilled with all the buddie goodness we got this ep#but one thing about this whole eddie/chris storyline that is driving me absolutely UP THE WALLS#is that there has just been absolutely Zero realistic communication about any of it from the audience's perspective#we don't hear anything about logistics in the moments where chris is actually leaving#(about how long he'll be gone for/if it's just for the summer/etc etc)#which whatever fine tim wanted it to be dramatic#but still in season 8 we don't know if there's been any discussion with chris OR helena and ramon about when/if he should be coming home#like you can infer if you want that the diaz parents have no intention of giving up chris and this was the plan all along#but tbh even that is largely extrapolation on the fandom's part bc they haven't told us anything!!!!!!#two facetimes and three conversations eddie's had with people that Aren't his parents is not enough!!!!#and i know it's the Eddie Diaz Routine(tm) to jump to the most extreme possible conclusion re him moving back to el paso#but WHY have we gotten no indication at all that he's attempted to talk this out with chris at some point in the last 5 months???????????#the dust settled a long time ago and eddie has Always been so good at talking to chris even when it's a difficult subject#i refuse to believe we're in last resort territory i'm sorry askdfjhsa#i want to write something about it but there's so much to tackle i don't even know where to start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway yes i know i was the one pointing out last week that storylines 8 seasons in are not going to be top notch but that doesn't negate#my frustration aksdjfhsih#tbd
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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i did my best this weekend, but my thesis is still not done... i had such a productive day yesterday, i was on top, i was focused, i met my goal... but today my brain was mush and i flopped around like a fish on land....... squeezed out two paltry paragraphs about sun dials and water clocks........ unfortunately my source for this particular section is a very long and dense text, and i have to sort of. extract the Essence. i need to dig up three paragraphs that explain the Things like an artefact from a burial site. can i do it? i must do it. i will do it
#but not Now because it's midnight.#maybe i can write notes at school tomorrow?#i should have taken more notes before today........#i haven't read the whole book but ive read several sections and im always like aha i get it i get the vibes#but when i need to recall the specifics it's uh. well! people used clocks to tell time. we have. proof of this. yes#swedenquest#honestly on saturday i was mostly summerizing/translating another summary#and even that took me a full day wtf#even if i got preemptively distracted about the question of Why twelve hours and hunting down a source#do you know what ive settled on. 'ancient culturules like babylonia assyria and sumeria used twelve as a base for many measurements'#IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT DOES IT
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ik people talk about romantic relationships taking on a mythic quality in media/fiction but tbh friendships do too. like dude, i wish i had friends i felt super close to that i know would fight for our friendship and that i felt comfortable enough calling crying in a crisis. i wish i had those "do or die" friends that we see in so many popular stories we consume growing up. i have actually been very disappointed by my experiences of friendships. the amount of people i lose touch with or have cold breakups with. it doesn't devastate me in a dramatic way like heartbreak, but it moreso gives me this low-grade cynicism and depression about life and how no one stays, there was no real love here, etc.
#like i'm pretty scarred in this low-level way by the scars of lost friendships or friendship conflicts#it's not front of mind every day. and i don't talk about it much. but it is THERE#i have a good childhood friend thank god but like. even in our friendship i sometimes feel kind of insecure and whether we're as tight knit#as i feel we should be#meanwhile we grew up with h*rry p*tter (sorry) and percy jackson etc etc#and those are like. unrealistic friendship expectations ykwim lol#even watching sex and the city i'm like 👀 this bitch has THREE do or dies who she sees regularly? i'd settle for one being nearby#like where is that strong bond of love i'm supposed to have with a few girlfriends? why don't i have that? it breaks my heart#this isn't to say close friends are a myth ofc i know other people have them but i certainly don't have the kind i keep hearing about#and sometimes i wish i could tell ppl i used to be friends w but i'm also like. they don't seem to be fighting for this friendship either s#you can only have your attempts at closeness rejected so many times#text
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it’s not that it makes me sad per se but i really could’ve been dating someone i did actually kind of really want to date since JULY. and now the moment is literally so far gone and i didn’t realise until the moment was so far gone !!!
#like it actually doesnt make me sad because there wouldve been major complications Had we dated#and the person who i trust most in this world has told me theyre glad it didnt happen#and i think in the long run he’s not the First person i should date anyway like in an ideal world we’d date like. 2-3 years on from now when#i’d been in at least one relationship to work out how i operate in a relationship#but it’s also like i wish i had known that the opportunity was there and i wish i had taken it#and part of me goes well maybe in 2-3 years it COULD happen#but i think that does a disservice to the person he’s dating now like . i do hope they’re happy and it goes well for the both of them#AND ALSO ITS WEIRD AS FUCK TO BE LIKE OH WELL MAYBE IN A FEW YEARS ILL DATE THIS PERSON *AFTER* another person??????#like bitch who do you think u are that you’ll have managed to date ANYONE in that time and also why the fuck would u date someone without#hoping it would last????????#but thoughts ≠ action nor are they inherently moralistic#but also that’s a weird way 2 think about relationships#it’d be funny if it happened though#idk i just think that if the timing was different he and i could have so much fun dating like genuinely i think it’d be a really good time#but it’s really weird because i’m not pining away after him or anything like ik it sounds like i am#but it’s not like that it’s more just that it’s opened up all these thoughts that i hadn’t really thought possible before ?#and they’re not possible NOW bc he’s dating someone else so i’m in exactly the same position but idk#i think i’m getting too settled. i’m TOO SETTLED.#because it’s literally not normal to think oh maybe in three years we could date and it’d be better timing for both of us ???????????#unhinged behaviour. what the fuck is that.#it’d be fucking hilarious if it happened tho
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i just loved that the writers were like mark of cain dean slowly becomes more and more barbaric and inhuman as he can’t control this primordial, gaping wound in the form of an already healed over scar that has been borne by the devil himself and is in fact what made him the devil and therefore will make dean long and lust after maiming and ultimately murdering people with an urge stronger than any love or passion or resolution he’s ever experienced in his life And Also He’s A Huge Misogynist
well. TO BE FAIR. you have just kind of described dean when he is normal also.
#this is dean winchester we are talking about. on the ‘we hate women’ show.#god I feel like I’m gonna get to the Mark in my rewatch and the hype will have built it up too much#the mark in my head is so cool you guys have no idea because I never talk about it but trust me it is#I think I like. barely scraped a mention of it in that one Lucifer/Raphael fic and another time in a 3 sentence fic#murder death kill drive is fine but I think the mark should fuck up ur thinking even more. hallucifer 2 this time with God’s evil sister#slowly trying to eat your soul from the inside. amplifying anger for anyone sure but playing to the worst parts of someone mostly#Dean is angry but why enhance his anger when you can enhance his paranoia. his abandonment issues. his need for control. and make those the#reasons for him to lash out and kill people. I mean the show never fucking settled on if the mark actually corrupted someone into something#that they aren’t or just revealed what was already there. I felt it wanted to have both. to say to Lucifer ‘you were always sick’ and to#Dean ‘well we can fix you’ but no fuck that let’s lean hard into the revealing what’s there already aspect#I think partially I’m also still just mad about the demon origins retcon but shhhh whatever whatever#anyway. sorry for rambling anon. you are very funny. I chuckled.#ask#spn#dean winchester
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Enough time has passed now, so I can finally say with certainty that the only good MLs of the Jewelpet Series are Akira Nanase and Retsu Akagi 👍🏻
#jewelpet#jewelpet twinkle#jewelpet sunshine#jewelpet kira deco#jewelpet happiness#lady jewelpet#magical girls#txt#like— be so for fcking real????#all the ‘mls’ in there are like ‘i will always save you!’ meanwhile akira and retsu are like ‘i would k word for you’#AND THIS IS WHAT’S A MAN SHOULD BE ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO HIS GIRLIE MIND YOU????#also yeah they’re all like… kids in there so IDK why sanrio put love interests for elementary/middle school kids 😭#but some mls (coff coff yuuma and mikage coff coff) just piss me tf off 💀#then again in jewelpet sunshine all the peoples are ANNOYING af because like… kanon… sweetie… WHY ARE YOU BEEFING WITH A BUNNY???? 😭#idk guys… maybe it’s cuz i’ve seen many shoujo anime read many shoujo manga and want my man obsessed with me like— i want him WEAK for me…#the other mls in the jewelpet series sometimes i think like ‘what… are you there… for??’#akira nanase PISSES ME TF OFF his personality is SHIT but the way he goes on about rinko??? he is a SIMP and i love that#and retsu??? retsu would literally roll a red carpet down the path pink walks on and that makes me HOLLER every single time guys 😭#like— once you see how akira and retsu treat rinko and pink… the other mls become just bland in there#yuuma mikage and cayenne give NOTHING to their series#they’re love interest just for the sake of having love interests#because akari and momona are better off alone tbh cause they genuinely are such BADDIES#they’re so cool that when you see their love interests you are like… ‘babygurl don’t settle for mediocre guys like that pls…’#like… akari and momona are the men in their ‘relationships’ 😭#don’t get me started on kanon and mikage like— wHY ARE YOU CRUSHING ON YOUR TWIN BROTHER???? AND WHY IS HE CRUSHING ON A BUNNY?????#thank god they broke up after finding out they were related (THANK YOU GOD!) but now why is he head over heels ROMANTICALLY over a bunny???#aside from all these weird shit the plot wasn’t interesting at all and gave… well… nothing…#anyways!! akari and momona deserve better men for real 🫤#or sanrio could’ve left them single yknow…? we wouldn’t have even noticed pft#these are controversial and unpopular opinions among the jewelpet series fandoms… but i just had to get them out of my chest phew
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my football team is so hopeless
#not dortmund lol i mean the club i play at myself#it makes me want to quit ngl#there are just so many things i'm fed up with#at times it's not fun anymore#i like playing football but there's just a lot wrong with this team#but i'm mostly just hanging around because i don't want to let my coach down like he cares and genuinly seems like a good coach#the only thing which gives me a bit of hope#and i hate letting people down 😅 that and also i hate giving up#but i have never seen a team more hopeless or felt more hopeless playing a sport 😅#and he apparently thinks i'm kind of important to the team which i kind of get but also it doesn't really make a difference...#we're just so hopeless i can’t turn this around lol#i always start and i hope it continues but there's not much i can do#we just have too many people who don't care last match so many have given up#some of our team just refuse to run or move at some point it's awful#like why can't you try#we always loose so high like what's the point but still don't give up#besides that the endurance (and also sprint speed) of most is awful which could be trained to a point#but whenever the coach tries to do that almost no one shows up 💀#and i usually play wing or outside midfielder but i'm supposed to also be a defender apparently what#whenever we get a goal on my side and i'm not back in defence someone moans at me like that's my fault#i get working back but i can’t be everywhere especially when some people don't move#and i actually try to get the ball foreward or try to get the ball back in the front because i don't give up when we're behind#i want to score goals and not settle with loosing and only sit back to do defence anymore#naturally there will be open spaces when i try to do that but how is giving up better even when it's hopeless we could still try scoring#and i can't be everywhere they should try my position they would never last 90min running like i do#besides i'm already exausted each week from my training before like i do sports 2-3 hours 6 or 7 days a week#unfortunately i have to because once again i'm trying some entrance exam (for sports to become a teach in sports and english hopefully)#asides from that i don't like most of the people at my club 😅 it feels a bit like highschool again and i didn't like highschool#so many are ignorant and judgemental#like the girl i told you about with her comment about the cleaning lady instead of wanting to clean up her stuff herself 🙄
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I feel like I'm going to explode with stress. How do other people do this. There is a knot of anxiety in the back of my throat, in my chest, in my stomach. I have not slept enough and can't calm down enough to sleep. This is so stupid. Nothing is even happening. This is just from the confirmation that I will be moving out in a month and a half
#a leftover studio viewing today then tomorrow a contract signing for the apartment I'll be living in#and then we should be done with stuff for a while#then it's just a matter or arranging the insurance/gas/power/internet for the place#and scoring furniture where we can find it of course#there's plenty enough time and I'm sure my parents will help anywhere I need help#I'm certain they'll still let me sleep over anytime if I ever need it#so WHY is my body exploding. girl help#I'm entering a stress loop bc I'm leaving for budapest on the first#and last year I got what I believe was a stress induced illness this time of year while I was in denmark#and it SUCKED. I couldn't do anything and it felt like my heart was going to give out.#I was scared to go to sleep bc it felt like I wouldn't wake up. and that fed into the stress sleep deprivation loop#I hope this calms down because if it keeps up I will definitely get sick again. and I want to enjoy my friend trip!! aaaa!!!!#I also hope I can settle into the apartment okay#this is all very new for me and there is a fear that living apart just. won't work for me#but I'll get to try it for a year. and if it doesn't work? then so be it#but if it does? I get to stay in a nice apartment with a little private garden space#so I'll just have to endure feeling like shit for a while and stay strong#hashtag autism I love intense physical reactions to stress and major life changes#bien rambles
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i love pride month but at the same time it always makes me feel so bad about myself. just knowing that i’ll never be able to properly come out because my family will turn on me and because of that i will never be able to have a relationship just makes me feel really awful
#i mean there’s other reasons why i can’t get a relationship but that’s mainly because i have zero to offer someone#unless of course anyone wants a useless gf#but yeah the more time goes by the more i start to wonder if i should just settle for some guy instead#sure would make things easier#never mind that’s not what i want but when do we ever get what we want right#there’s a guy at work who’s been wanting to hang out for a while now#i’m not sure how i feel about him tbh but he seems nice enough#i’ve known him for a few months and he’s always been nice to me#idk what to do#when i get zero interest from women but then i get interest from men#fish fear me women don’t want me it seems#it’s 2:30 am and i feel really bad so pls just ignore this#i will delete and tomorrow will act like nothing happened#questioning my sexuality during the early hour of the morning is a dangerous thing to do
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can't believe i missed our 6th birthday here! damn ... time flies, eh? ❤️
#QUICK TAGS UPDATE WHILE I'M HERE!#last day at work ended up being 9/13 and ngl it's been practically non-stop ever since#mostly moving things - packing - organizing - etc. it's been exhausting mentally emotionally and physically tbh!#SO! like i've mentioned i've got tumblr on hiatus at least until i can get moved to cali and settled in a bit (we should hit the road 10/15#it's just been ... a lot#and then trying to figure out what's next since i won't have my job or a consistent income starting on 10/13 for the first time in 11 years#no insurance either so that's another thing to sort out!#i'm trying really hard to be hopeful and optimistic and i DO believe that this is all going to be for the best#it's just hard right now#trying to rest and relax whenever i have a moment or two but still need to find time to get some 'professional' stuff taken care of lol#why are careers??? like i just wanna live and vibe i wish i could just retire *sobs*#ANYWHO.#i love you all and i'll be checking blogs more consistently sometime after i move i hope!#until then feel free to hmu on discord! i'm down to chat / plot / write there in the meantime! ❤️❤️❤️#☆ main — ( OOC. )
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you're definitely a great person which means you'll meet your soulmate one day. periodt. please dont settle for someone just because they are an okay person! you deserve to feel true love and im sure you will find it, you have PLENTY of time :) <33
thank you so much :( and honestly, ykw i appreciate most about your message? the fact that you promised me i've plenty of time bc yes i so fkn do!!!! and that goes for everybody. to anyone struggling with this, i hope you know your pace is just right and that society's rules are a dumb fantasy and that you should live comfortably and as you please!!! you're not too late for anything.
we all totally deserve a person who's good and respectful and compatible with us!!!! srsly, thank you so much, i hope you're happy, too. <3
#like ykw i dont understand why we're always being scolded for having high standards like we deserve to have them#not so high that we won't ever be able to settle but.. high enough to know our worth#and what i also hate is that we (especially women) are seen as a failure if we don't finish studies/start a job/get married/have kids at#a certain age#you never see a man in his early 30s be frowned upon for being single as women are#like tell me why some adults are telling me im slowly getting too old n should be married by now like aunty im in my 20s not on my deathbed#i hate all those sources of stress soooo much man#let us live!!#kay i rambled n i could talk about it all day but thats it for now i think#notes for rid 🌹#anon
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#that post about meeting people in the wild reminds me what my therapist said#“you should meet another person. after some healing of course” and at that time i did not thought so much about it#i was crying and sobbing so bad for me to process that information#but now that i remembered. how the hell will i do that without using a dating app?#imagining that i am already healed without trauma and willing to open my heart again for someone else#how would i: an asexual neurodivergent introvert. would find a compatible person in the wild? that is kind of impossible!#using a dating app? ugh. that is very wack. i do not know a single person who had a good experience using one of those#and truly. would i ever be fine to have romance again? the remaining romantic love i have is dying#the trauma changed me from greysexual to fully asexual. after years of self hate i was comfortable with my naked body#now that i am sex repulsed. i can not tolerate see my body. even in this hellish heat of summer i must have clothes. showering is a torture#would not be better to be Aroace and that is it? being free of all that partner stuff? just having more friends would not do the trick?#i can try to find a way to change and not want to have physical affection nor physical love. It always brought me trouble#but i doubt my therapist agrees. she was kind of serious about having another person with me#why i am not strong enough to do everything alone? why do i have to be prone to sickness? why the hell do i need physical love?!#is so gross and awful. i hate my body so much. why do you need that fucker? we can hug ourselfs! settle for that
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