#but why have you written so many heartwrenching queers

[cupids-fiction]

every damn time i sit down to watch a nice fantasy show that i suspect has some queer elements ITS FUCKING NEIL GAIMAN AGAIN

[cricketnationrise]

Quarantine Reads Part 6

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

126. Battle Magic by Tamora Pierce: flashback book. takes place between Street Magic and The Will of the Empress in the emelan series. tw: war, violence, death, threat of sexual violence, torture

127. Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates: memoir in the form of a letter to his son focusing on being black in America.

128. Elantris by Brandon Sanderson: first in the elantris series. also sanderson’s first novel. epic fantasy. political intrigue. demons posing as religious leaders. if atlantis was just a place for powered people along the coast and then suddenly everyone inside decayed and became a myth.

129. Stuffed Vol. 1 by Extended Play: adorable comic strip collection where a girl’s stuffed animals are alive and talk to her and each other. all of them are mythological creatures: unicorn, dragon, gryphon, etc. chaos ensues. you never see the parents’ faces. can read for free on webtoons (and i think tapas? i’d have to check)

130. The Door in the Hedge and Other Stories by Robin McKinley: short story collection. fairy tale riffs mostly.

131. Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett: book 12 in the discworld series. 3 witches need to help out a scullery maid on her way to a ball, a cat turns into a hyper sexual man, a prince turns into a frog, there’s another witch in a bog, reanimated butler

132. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy: okay look. this is one of those that i am glad i read and i absolutely will never read again. there’s so many philosophy tangents, everyone is whiny, and its 1812 for like 2/3 of the book. 2 epilogues, why???

133. The Isle of Youth: Stories by Laura van den Berg: short story collection, women-centered

134. Heartstopper: Volume One by Alice Oseman: found the webcomic at the beginning of the pandemic, got a physical copy a few months later. sweet high school comic about Charlie and Nick falling in love with each other

135. The Witch’s Kind by Louisa Morgan: her magic systems are always interesting. woman’s dog finds a child abandoned on the beach. the kid has gills. alternating timelines, the woman’s childhood and young adulthood in the lead up to WW2 and post WW2 from finding the baby. eventually the timelines connect.

136. Parnassus On Wheels by Christopher Morley: eager to get away from her layabout brother, a woman buys a book wagon and goes around to various farms/towns selling books to locals. falls in love with the previous owner of the wagon

137. Shadow Scale by Rachel Hartman: book 2 in the Seraphina series. dragons and humans are living tensely next to each other, seraphina and a few other half dragon/half humans have to stop an all out war. also the antagonist can control minds. so. oh! and seraphina ends up in a poly relationship at the end

138. The Dragon Slayer of Trondheim by EK Johnston: middle grade novel about a girl who becomes the bard for a dragon slayer. very cool world building. set in canada.

139. The Giver: Graphic Novel by P. Craig Russell: beautiful artwork. words all taken from the novel by lois lowry. all in blues and whites before Jonas gets the memories of colors.

140. Serpentine by Philip Pullman: short story set in the golden compass universe sometime after Amber Spyglass. illustrated.

141. Thunderhead by Neal Shusterman: book 2 in the arc of a scythe series. please read the first one first, this is a continuation for sure. alternating POV.

142. The Patron Saint of Liars by Ann Patchett: novel following one woman’s life through her eyes, her second husband’s eyes, and her daughter’s eyes. i believe it is ann patchetts first novel.

143. Snapdragon by Kat Leyh: graphic novel with loads of queer representation, magic, and growing up in a small town tw: parental abuse, danger to minors

144. The Toll by Neal Shusterman: third and final book in the arc of a scythe series. extremely satisfying ending to the series.

145. Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches by Audre Lorde: essay collection, focus on racism and feminism

146. The Little Witch by M. Rickert: tor.com short story, spooky vibes, older woman takes in a strange little girl

147. The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E Harrow: i’m so mad i didn’t get a chance to read it when it first came out because WHERE had it been all my life. doorways to other worlds, a huge dog that is fiercely protective of its owner, magic, fun names. framework is that the book you are reading is a book written by various characters in the story. that shit is my catnip. content warning: harm to dog (THE DOG IS FINE I PROMISE), murder, protagonist held prisoner in her room multiple times

148. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro: very strange book. i loved every second of it. the weirdest boarding school you’ve ever attended. if you think i’m being vague i am. a story you’ll want to discover on your own.

149. A Room with a View by EM Forster: follow this one young woman around italy and then the english countryside as she deals with society’s expectations. writing style takes a little bit to get used to but worth the time to read it.

150. The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune: buckle up buttercups. this book has everything: found family, queer representation, kids with powers, small town charms, a cat!, heartwrenching poetry, on purpose child acquisition, sticking it to the man, Extremely Upper Management, the antichrist. everyone needs to read this book. i now need to get my hands on everything klune has written. i also wouldn’t mind like, 40 more novels in this universe.

[isaacthedruid]

Steven Universe’s Representation and Music: an informal essay

As the first animated Cartoon Network show created entirely by a woman, Steven Universe’s run lasted for five seasons, a movie and a sequel-epilogue series. The show was far from perfect and its fandom wasn’t the best either but there is something so special about a show that followed lesbian space rocks and a young boy saving the world.

More specifically Steven Universe is about a young boy named Steven, who is half-Gem, half-human who protects the town of Beach City from evil. Gems are a kind of alien who take on the form of pastel-coloured women, to better assimilate with the rest of the world.

Rebecca Sugar, the creator, explains her colourful characters in a behind-the-scenes promo:

“I always dreamed of making a show that would have this mix of fantasy and reality. So, I wanted to make these fantasy characters that enjoy being with Steven as much, if not more than they enjoy being fantasy characters. The characters aren’t perfect and that’s what makes them so great.”

Steven’s family are known as the Crystal Gems, a group of rebels who fought against their government thousands of years ago and now live on earth. Steven’s mom, Rose Quartz was at the forefront of the fight, she did extremely terrible things and when she gave up her gem—-so Steven could be born—-she was left unable to form a body ever again. Steven, with only his dad and three alien women, must attempt to fix her messes and deal with the repercussions of his mother’s actions.

One of the main mechanics within the series is known as fusion, in which two or more Gems become a single being who is stronger and more powerful. The fused form takes on the physical, mental and emotional aspects of those who are part of the bond. As mentioned and discussed many times within this blog, fusions are a physical embodiment of different kinds of relationships. And for a show starring a primarily female cast, they do not shy away from using this mechanic to tell queer stories.

So explicitly that in 2018, the show had the first-ever lesbian wedding in a cartoon. Of course, representation wasn’t always as accepted in Steven Universe. Just two years before the big wedding, higher-ups at Cartoon Network told Rebecca Sugar, they not happy with the multiple queer relationships, so much so that they were ready to threaten cancellation.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, she expressed:

“If this is going to cost me my show that’s fine because this is a huge injustice and I need to be able to represent myself and my team through this show and anything less would be unfair to my audience.”

Being LGBT herself, identifying as bisexual and non-binary, representation is important to her. For many queer people, especially grown-ups, they hope to see themselves represented in kids’ media today as they never had growing up. They want nothing more for children’s shows to say that being “different” or not fitting in with our heteronormative society is actually normal.

Within Steven Universe, you can find woman-loving-woman relationships, non-binary and intersex characters, woman-loving-non-binary relationships, asexual coded characters and basically every other letter in the acronym.

Rebecca Sugar even acted as the exciting force for LGBT inclusion within Adventure Time, originally working as a writer and storyboard artist before leaving to create her own show. She pushed for making the ex-romantic queer couple to be canonically part of the story and for it to not just coded into the dialogue.

A few years later, she returned to the show, multiple times, to compose over 20 songs that would air over the series 10-year-long run such as, “I’m Just Your Problem” which had lesbian subtext that would be confirmed later.

Some other iconic songs including “Fry Song“, “Remember You“, “Good Little Girl“, “Everything Stays” and even the finale song, “Time Adventure“.

Much like the show as a whole, there is something so special about the music she writes. In total, there were over 160 songs written for the franchise, some being short little tunes, no longer than a minute while others were full-blown musical numbers. No matter, all of them have their place within the show. Often when the character can’t express lines through speech, music is utilized to provide a more raw and poignant portrayal of their emotions.

Why Steven Universe is so widely loved is due to the music, as the overall story is not even close to perfect. Yet, everyone can agree on one thing, the music is unbelievably good. What is interesting is the different styles of melodies and backtracking used in the various songs, even more impressive is that every character has their own instrumental motif.

Steven’s motif is the ukelele as he is often seen playing the instrument himself, performing short little melodies and even writing the in-show version of the theme song. Additionally, Steven’s music uses a large amount of Chiptune synth, electronic music which is created using a programmable sound generator. Both instruments have a very childlike feeling to them, Chiptune especially as it is normally used in video game music like The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, one of the main musical inspirations for the show. As Steven is the lead, most of the music has Chiptune somewhere in the score and fun fact, the first song in the show, sung by Steven, “Cookie Cat” was actually written on an old Gameboy.

Amethyst is very loud and fun, her motif is electric drums which is extremely reflective of her character. As she can be angry from convincing herself that she is not good enough to happy and giggling from pranking Steven, her instrument can be used in so many ways as she is not a simple character. No matter what, for the few songs Amethyst has on her own (or in the score), her drums provide such an interesting emotional response to the situation.

Garnet is a fusion, so her motif is actually the combination of two instruments. Ruby is a drumbeat as she is a fiery and loud character, she is chaotic while Sapphire is her opposite. Sapphire is calm and collected, she has ice-related powers and is represented by Synth music. The characters together have a perfect unity, expressed by Garnet’s synth bass sounds, she is the equilibrium of two very contrasting characters. The music associated with Garnet, uses primarily the synth bass but Ruby and Sapphire’s individual instruments can be heard throughout her music. All three instruments are also heavily representative as Garnet’s main dancing style is Hip Hop which clashing with others’ softer dancing styles.

Despite, not being alive during the show, Rose Quartz still has her own musical motif as she plays a large part in Steven’s growth throughout the series. As well as being in many flashbacks, she is represented with strings, more specifically, the violin. Rose’s story is rather sad which quite is visible within her associated music, yet, she was also an extremely powerful character as she led the fight against the Homeworld government. Her strength can be heard with strong uplifts and swells in the music. She is never seen playing an instrument unlike the rest of the main characters but one person who plays hers is Pearl, a character Rose was possibly in love with.

For the complex and beautiful character, Pearl, her motif is classical and swing piano. She is visually represented as a ballerina for a large majority of the series, dressed in a leotard, a small skirt and ballet shoes. Apart from Garnet, she is one of the calmest characters in the show. She is a perfectionist and is knowledgeable on many topics. She has a dark past and her fair share of trauma, all of this is wrapped up in her music. From her traumatic past with Rose Quartz, the violin had been heard throughout her music, yet, when she finally dealt with everything, the violin was lost. Swapped out for a new instrument, a bass guitar which she learned how to play at the end of the series. Pearl is a character who has been through a lot and her music reflects it. As she grew, her music changed with her, becoming her own instead of something built off of Rose’s.

My personal favourite song is “It’s Over Isn’t It?” which is this heartwrenching and emotionally painful ballad sung by a broken woman. Pearl was in love with Steven’s mom. Yet, the feelings were not mutual or at least ended being reciprocated as Rose left her for Greg, Steven’s dad. It hurts because Rose didn’t just leave her, Rose Quartz also passed away. As the song goes:

That they didn’t really matter until you I was fine when you came And we fought like it was all some silly game Over her, who she’d choose After all those years, I never thought I’d lose … You won and she chose you and she loved you and she’s gone It’s over, isn’t it? Why can’t I move on? … Who am I now in this world without her? Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her What does it matter? It’s already done Now I’ve got to be there for her son

Without Rose, Pearl has lost her place in the world as all she ever knew was her. Yet, now she is left to help raise a half-human baby and go on with her life. It makes it more difficult as this baby is the product of Rose and the man that she left Pearl for.

Pearl doesn’t want to hate Greg, she is angry at him but she doesn’t have hatred towards him. They may not be the best of pals at the start of the series but in the song called “Both of You“ has Steven, finally, begging for Greg and Pearl to just talk to each other.

Why don’t you talk to each other? Why don’t you talk to each other? Just give it a try Why don’t you talk about what happened? … You might not believe it but you got a lot in common, you really do You both love me and I love both of you … I know you both need it Someone who knows what you’re going through

An interesting thing about this song is that Steven is this to them, the person with Rose’s gem is singing to the two people who fought over Rose. It makes me wonder if this could be Rose speaking through Steven to her two loved ones. Whether it is or not, doesn’t really matter to the overall story but it is a fun idea to look at.

Overall, these songs are a literal representation of dealing with ones’ emotions in a healthy way, something that Steven Universe actively tries to teach their younger viewers about.

To say Steven Universe is a good show only for its music would be a false statement, it’s one of the strongest aspects but without the story or the characters, the music would fall flat and not have any of its passion.

[killed-by-cas-confession]

I wrote this about 4 days ago to myself-

“I’m writing this damn fix-it because at this point, im out of hope for the finale. Cas is dead, they left a bunch of plot holes, and the ending isn’t going to solve any of them, so I’ve decided that John and Sherlock eventually fall in love with them raising Rosie, and Dean just went to save Cas and bring him home to tell him how he feels and that’s just what happened, I do not make the rules. Mofftiss and all the writers at Supernatural are a bunch of queerbaiting idiots who don’t know how to wrap a story up and follow through on queer chemistry so-” this aged so horribly and yet so well Don’t get me wrong. I really did enjoy the finale. It was emotional, and it hit the marks, but as many things, it was good in theory and bad in execution. Is it how I would’ve written it? No, but it had some high points for me.  Dean’s scene was heartwrenching. The acting was superb. The dialogue sent nostalgia and sorrow through me like a truck.

Sam’s scenes? Well, I’m going to throw shade at the wig because you just have to, but again, not terrible in theory. Seeing him and Eileen together and raising their son, Dean, that’s poetic and what Sam always wanted.  Castiel back with his son who obviously didn’t just abandon him to the Empty, fixing heaven, the place that was corrupt and horrific to him, anything but heavenly to him, for so many years? Poetic. But so much of it fell flat because of how it was executed. We didn’t see Cas, didn’t even get a “Hello dean” off-screen, didn’t get informed how, or when, or why Cas was resurrected by Jack. We didn’t, because of Covid, get to see the people we lost in Dean’s heaven. We didn’t even get a photo of Sam and Eileen, or Sam teaching Dean 2.0 ASL.  Idk. I loved the finale and yet I will likely never rewatch it.  And don’t get me started on that Dean survived angels, demons, monsters, God Himself, to get taken out on rebar. No. As a Dean fan, I refuse that. Again, good in theory is dean dying on a hunt, bad execution is him dying, not in saving Sammy, or a good hit from a monster while he saves people, but from an accidental The Last of Us Style impaling. I know a better ending would be happily ever after with TFW 2.0 but even if they wanted the same plot as the finale had, it could’ve been altered just ever so slightly to hit the marks for fans and not leave us feeling *gestures at tumblr* like this. Just No. All in all, I give it a 6/10. So, now that I’ve digested the finale and I can come on here and see the memes and laugh, I’m going to fix it. I’m making a video to give us visual satisfaction and I’m likely gonna’ write a fix fic. 

[hannah-writes]

The Semiotics of Roswell (aka why Malex is Endgame because the camera says so)

And we’re back with instalment #3 of The Semiotics of Roswell. 

Today’s focus is on episode 3 and, as always, screencaps are supposed to be in order but wonky upload is wonky. Considering this is such an epic episode, there’s so little Malex content that I’m wounded. So I’m likely going to ramble more to make up for it (edit: I did ramble to make up for it, I rambled so much over less than a minute of video that actually, I’m only including one video meta in this otherwise it’ll take you a week to scroll through it all. There’s less than five full minutes of Malex in this episode and I’ve written a dissertation about it, what is my life). I have, therefore, included the video meta within this one post! All the Malex, all in one place. You’re welcome :D. One video meta is included, the others are linked at the top, and at the bottom.

Image heavy, once again! Consider this your friendly neighbourhood warning! 

All my semiotic meta can be followed/tracked using the #Semiotics of Roswell tag, and is here on my Tumblr. This includes random other semiotic meta that comes at me when I see gif sets that isn’t directly related to this long-form meta essay I have made it my duty to write. Or something.

Part 1 / Reunion Kiss Video Meta / Part 2 / I Never Look Away Video Meta / Part 3 / Leaving so soon? Video Meta / This isn’t gonna work, Guerin Video Meta / 

So we all know that Liz and Max are not on the same page here, but their framing is increasingly romantic. They’re not only sharing a side of a screen here but they’re looking in mirroring directions. I think someone who has better photoshop skills than me could probably make the two of these images lay over one another and you’d find that their faces would likely almost meet in the middle because of how they’re framed here. Their eyelines are almost matching, too, though we know that Liz isn’t looking directly at Max.

The colour’s quite heavily saturated in yellow and we’ve touched briefly on colours before. Some of the emotions that are supposed to be stirred and signfied by the colour yellow are: obsession, insecurity and naivety. I’d argue that though obsession fits Max’s feelings towards Liz, the emotions that are at the fore of this saturated scene are insecurity and naivety, especially the latter considering he lets her experiment on him, test out the limits of his powers and gather data as a scientist. And, because it’s Liz, it doesn’t even cross his mind that she might be using this for something that isn’t curiosity, something that’s more nefarious. He’d never dream that she would use her science-y powers for anything that might hurt them! It’s Liz!

I want to touch a little on the below screenshot before going back to the side comparison. The framing here, the mis-en-scéne is so good. The set designers who pulled together Max’s home deserve very, very high praise.

In this one shot we see so much, and we learn so much about Max. He looks tiny in this shot which, for a guy like Nathan is impressive as he has a presence about him when he’s on screen. He looks small and uncertain and unsure, clutching at the back of his chair and using the chair and the desk and the couch as a defence, a barrier between him and Liz because she makes him vulnerable. 

But then if we look at the background, all those books? You can see first-editions of what look like old books (the brown-gold colouring), they’re haphazard, like he’s run out of shelving space and had to start stacking the ones he reads more often on top of others. He’s got some wooden figurines and artefacts, too, so he’s a collector of things, of knowledge. He’s a curator of stuff, we know that he’s smart, but in a different way to Michael and this glimpse into his world, we can see how differently. Michael is science and equations, Max is words, things. I’d kill to see a close up of the books that he’s got on the shelves; they won’t be there by accident. 

In the far right of the screen there’s a small square picture which looks like a lonely person, standing on the left-hand side of the image. A small picture of a lonely man - probably a lonely cowboy. The colours are relatively bland, there’s nothing there that truly draws the eye, even the small splashes of it (the leaves on the second shelf on the right, the green glass below, the newer colourful books underneath) aren’t quite enough to distract us from Max. Max’s desk is cluttered and busy with books, the lamp is pointed towards the desk and it’s easy to imagine him late at night on his laptop writing with just the desk light because he can’t move to turn the main light on, or reading with the pinprick light to help him focus on the words. Everything looks a little like disorganised chaos behind him and contributes to helping him look small and little under the weight of all the knowledge behind him - all the knowledge from the religious texts he’s read that tell him people like him die bloody - and the indomitable woman in front of him that made herself the centre of his universe the moment she came into his life and he’s helplessly orbited around her since then. 

So we can see that Max looks small, by contrast, the mid-shot of Liz (below) is relatively typical. They’re on either side of the screen again, she’s less well lit than Max, possibly a stylistic choice to reflect the fact that there’s definitely another agenda to what she’s doing, but Max won’t see it. He’s totally blinded by his feelings for Liz.  (Side note: I love how guilty he looks when Isobel catches them, like some part of him knows what he’s doing is stupid as all heck but It’s LIZ. He’s got about as much chance of saying no to her as the earth does of spontaneously yanking itself out of orbit)

In this scene, the wide shot of Max vs the mid shot of Liz shows us the power that Liz has right now; she takes up more of the frame. She’s confident and assured and hiding her own fear pretty well considering. (And the ‘your heart’s racing’ ‘it’s not beacuse I’m scared of you’ line makes my shipper heart sing you guys, it’s one of my favourite tropes)

Then we get introduced to one of the key Echo motifs (below), backlighting by the sun. The use of the sun beween them to lighten/darken a scene is a massive motif; we see the sun setting between their faces so many times and this motif is used here, too, but to a reverse effect. This is a moment of distance, Liz is going for cold, clinical detachment and Max - as always - is just focused on Liz because she’s his Person.

Malex time!

So, because there was both a lot and not enough Malex content in this episode I’ve combined the video metas into this one, and honestly, I am very pleased that I did. I shall never complain at the chance to watch Malex being cute and perfect.

Remember how we talked above about the yellow saturation highlighting Max’s naivety. Another emotion that can be created or encouraged by the use of the colour yellow is comfort, it can be used to create a sense of something being idyllic, and since it's slightly more into the pale orange of the spectrum I'd argue that this scene feels warm and happy and safe at the beginning, the wash of yellow-orange creating a visual haven that locks us in, it's close but it's not suffocating because it's soft. In contrast to the harsh, almost sepia colours of the first kiss in the trailer in the previous episode that became bright and washed out as they started stripping, this starts slow and intimate building and loving in a way that we don’t get to see from a queer storyline very often (as @chasingshhadows said in a meta).

The camera pans slowly and lovingly up Michael's body, the same way that Alex does for a full four seconds, a slow sweep that's close and intimate. We're not watching this happening at that moment: we're in it. We're in it with Michael and Alex and we're not an outsider. We don't see any facial expressions, but we don't need to, we come into the shot clearly mid-way through Alex having been mapping Michael's chest with his fingers and lips, since he's still moving and we don't see him stirring, so this is a mid-action shot. We're entering something private. What's also important here is the fact that it's a soft-focus on Michael's chest, a type of shot that's almost exclusively reserved for heterosexual sex scenes, where everything's slightly blurry around the edges.

0:04

We cut to a shot that allows us to see Michael's face. Instead of feeling voyeuristic, as previous shots have, this closeness - with Alex and Michael still technically on opposite sides of the frame - makes us feel part of it. Witnessing something special. The camera stays still and the soft, blurry focus of intimacy stays as Alex settles to the side.

Michael's more in focus, as much as ‘focus’ is a loosely defined term in this section. We're meant to be watching him, the play of emotions on his face, the way he brightens at the realisation that Alex stayed. We know from Word of God that this isn't the first time they've hooked up since the previous episode, but Michael's reaction at 0:11 You stayed tells us that this is the first time he's woken up with Alex beside him. It's important that we stay tightly focused on Michael there, so we can see his face (and Vlamis' best acting is done opposite Tyler, in my opinion, the subtleties that he can evoke are heartwrenching).

We get a good eleven seconds just getting to soak in the intimacy of this early morning shot before we start moving onto something more distant, though we're not broken out of the moment.

0:12 We cut to a mid-shot, looking down on the two of them but they're still framed tightly; the bed, the pillows, the weird ugly decor on the edge of the airstream (Michael, really) are all we can see. We can see here that Michael isn't used to sharing a bed because the airstream bunk is tiny and he's laying on his back. Alex's pillow is hanging half off the bed and he's on his side, and you can tell from where the cabinet above them ends, he's pretty much on the very *very* edge of the mattress.

0:15 that's why you stayed?

Again we swing back into what I'm calling 'heteroframing' here, which is tight, close, intimate shots of two men completely in love here. Michael's soft voice, the way Alex reaches for him, they don't shy away from the intimacy of the moment, the sexiness of it. The kind of lazy, early-morning, sleepy touches that would probably lead to something equally lazy and intimate if not for stupid Isobel interrupting the moment but I'm getting ahead of myself.

We move from a side shot - of Alex's back - to a hovering shot of their faces and arms. 0:22 has the shot that launched a thousand ships; Michael's mouth chasing Alex's thumb, breathing in the touch against his skin. (Non visual meta but, Michael's quite obviously affection starved; from having been in abusive home after abusive home and never finding somewhere that he felt safe, never having that comfort, a part of Michael will always melt like butter when someone touches him like he's worthy. The way his mouth opens, not necessarily to bite but just to feel, the way he breathes out softly, a puff of breath against Alex's skin. The way he just leans down like he's being pulled towards Alex... So SOFT)

This all happens in a matter of seconds, I might add, between 0:22 and 0:29 we get the thumb casing, the leg touching, Michael kissing his way up Alex's collarbone and then the beeping of a horn. Thirty seconds of intimacy, we get, thirty seconds, and it's packed with love and care and tenderness and power. The camera never wavers, but more on that in a second.

Over this particular section, from 0:21 - 0:26, the line "I know it's time to face my fears" is played. It's played over Alex reaching out to touch Michael (important, because Alex is the more reticent one of the two of them; he's never stayed before, we've had a hint of the antagonistic relationship and the aggressive-passionate kiss from the previous episode, the bite from the pilot followed by the desperate-passionate kiss at the reunion, we don't have a frame of reference right now that tells us this is anything more than sex until this scene. Until right here. Until this audio cue that tells us that Alex is afraid. That he has to face his fears because he’s the focus of that moment; it’s him reaching out to Michael, even though we’re looking at Michael, it’s Alex’s legs that Michael’s touching). This is followed by that shot of Alex's leg, neat suture marks and Michael's hand slowly trailing down it. We see Michael's scarring in line with Alex's, we see the tender way his hand slides down his skin in a lover's caress and the camera doesn't cut away from it. We get to see what this moment means by the fact that we're watching it, we're focused on it.

It leads us to believe that we're seeing Alex overcoming his fear of letting people touch his leg, the easy assumption to make when we see it so starkly laid out. It's also easy to draw - using knowledge from later - the parallel of Alex's scar and Michael's both having been as a byproduct of Jesse Manes, indirectly and directly. That moment of connection is something deeper on a rewatch because Michael's scars and Alex's are the same; they're both a permanent reminder of what lengths Jesse Manes went to. They're both a reminder of how dangerous it is for them, or how dangerous it was.

0:28 The camera is in tight, we're sweeping up and hovering just behind Michael as he kisses his way up Alex, clearly going in for a proper kiss when there's the sound of a horn beeping. The camera allows us to see the surprise on Alex's face just before it pulls out.

0:30 The moment's broken. Over the next four seconds, the camera pulls backwards quickly, breaking the spell of the moment. The lighting brightens up and we're snapped out of the intimacy and thrown into two rapidly differing emotions; Alex's panic is shown in the rapid way he throws himself forward but Michael sort of rocks up and then back, almost amused by the interruption and Alex's reaction "woah, relax man" we're focused on Alex again - fitting since the face my fears comment was also definitely about him "it's just Isobel". The camera's frenetic here, rocking in an unnerving way rather than in the same, steady, curious way that the camera had been moving literally ten seconds before.

Alex is sat on the edge of the bed, more centrally framed than we're used to seeing him in this context but there's nothing in the background that's in focus, so we still can't really look at anything other than him as he asks "wait, does she know about us?" allows the audience to see that actually, the fear wasn't at all about his leg, the fear is of other people. It's easy at this point - without the knowledge of later on even in this episode - to think that Alex is ashamed. Michael's dialogue could even support that.  We don't move away from Alex' s face or reactions for a good six seconds, watching the panic and discomfort play over his features, the reaction to Isobel's presence and how quickly he's drawn away is a sharp contrast to the sleepy intimacy of a few moments before. Alex is lit in a harsh, white-yellow which is contrasted with the shadowed, darker lighting of Michael. This is partly to do with the light coming in though the windows, and the natural formation of shadows within a confined area but it can also be read as another visual clue as to how contradictory their current positions are.

0:42-0:46 "Would it be so bad if she did?" (CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW HIS VOICE RIGHT THERE DOES THINGS TO MY GAY-ACE SELF?)

"Yeah."

We get a very quick back and forth between Alex and Michael's faces - Michael, Alex, Michael. The shots are framed similarly, though Michael's is slightly tighter, but that isn't unusual for quick-fire dialogue where the characters can't be in the frame. The speed at which it cuts, though, heightens the tension of the scene, a rapid cut-cut-cut keeps the audience on the back foot, switching rapidly in a visual back and forth, similar to the lines.

At 0:44, you can see Michael shutting down, the realisation that Alex doesn't want them to be 'out'. I mentioned earlier that it's easy for the audience to assume that Alex is ashamed, and as Michael looks out of the window you can see him making a decision to protect Alex, protect his privacy even though it physically hurts.

Whereas before, when Isobel's beeping horn ruptured their moment and the camera pulled backwards rapidly, at 0:48 we have a sharp cut to a wide shot, moments after Michael's made his decision to go outside without Alex, to protect their secret. The interior is very dark - something that could, or should, have been fixed by some interior lighting to help us but fuck this show and it's moody lighting so much - and once again we're shown Michael and Alex squashed together on one side of the frame. I wish the scene was brighter so we could get a chance to see the interior; Michael's airstream has probably been put together just as thoughtfully as Max's but we don't get to see it.

I read this - personally - as a way of differentiating between Max and Michael, another way anyway. Max is a damn open book. He has so few secrets, he wears his heart on his sleeve, he's open and honest and with Liz there's nothing held back. So as an audience we get to see his world, a proper, sustained glimpse into his world. We get to see the books and papers that are important to him, we get to see how he organises his space. The first proper shot we get of Michael's airstream where we're not focused on Malex is dark and unclear. We can see that he's got paper on the windows, that the whole thing is claustrophobic and tight and small (but what does he need space for, he's always alone, right?). I've only ever been inside one caravan before in my life so I have very little frame of reference to even guess what's on the right hand side of the image at 0:48, cupboards? A cooker? Microwave? God knows. Directly opposite them, a bathroom? (Ps. If anyone knows what the general inside of an airstream is like please message me. I need to know for ~reasons.) Michael’s world, though, remains largely a mystery to us.

Though there are arguments that could say that it's not as well represented later on, at 0:49 you can see Alex slipping his sock on over his stump, and just behind his foot you can see his prosthetic (I think, stupid moody lighting), a move that's highlighting, not hiding Alex's disability. It also normalises it, as the camera doesn't linger or focus on it, we're not drawn to staring at Alex as he struggles, it's a normal part of 'getting dressed'. If that is, indeed, his prosthetic lurking in the shadows of the shot, it also speaks to Michael as a partner, because even if Alex was the one to take it off, there's every chance that Michael was the one that leaned over and put down. Stood it up somewhere within reaching distance. Ahem. Headcanon of Michael as the Most Attentive Lover aside, the normalisation of Alex's disability in this shot is awesome.

We're also seeing them sharing the same side of the screen, whenever they are, they look small and close, their positions relative to each other highlighted against a larger backdrop. Here, however, the closeness of the airstream, the narrow and cluttered frame actually highlights their distance, not physical, not yet, but emotional. Michael's pulled away because he's been hurt and Alex is in panic mode. It's interesting watching it back with the benefit of having seen 1x06 and knowing that Alex's fear of discovery isn't because he's gay but because the last time someone caught them together, Michael was beaten with a hammer. At this point, though, all we have are conclusions to be drawn hastily from Alex's reaction and they aren't necessarily good ones.

0:50 "Guerin-" "Nah-"

We focus on Alex again here, the camera still rocks, the restless energy of the two men in the frame being echoed in the way that the camera moves. There's no lyrics undercutting this scene, just a really nice piece of original score but it's low pitched and has a subtle beat, a subtle pulse which lifts to a crescendo.

0:51 "-don't worry about it."

Moving to a shot that's focused on Michael, that pushes Alex almost out of it, we see him getting to his feet and physically creating distance and space between them, forced nonchalance as he tries to brush off just how much it hurts that Alex doesn't want his sister to know about them.

The final shot of this section comes at 0:54, where we're focused on watching Alex watching Michael leave. 

Interestingly, looking back at the interactions so far, it hasn't been just Alex that's walked away:

Pilot - Michael walks past into the trailer and shuts the door on Alex Pilot - Michael goes to move away from Alex, is stopped, they banter, Michael leaves (also comes back again for the Kiss but.) 1x02 - Alex leaves because the conversation is over ("we're not supposed to build on Santa's workshop either") 1x02 - Alex doesn't leave, he heads into the airstream and Michael follows

Then we have this here, where Michael walks out of the airstream to confront Isobel, the implication is that Alex has snuck out (the surprise in 'you stayed' being clear enough of an indicator for that), but we haven't physically seen Alex having a tendency to walk away. If anything, we've seen him have a tendency to seek Michael out, as only one of their interactions so far out of six has had Michael actively seeking Alex, which is at the party for that beautiful kiss scene we all could write songs about.

So the next two snippets of Malex from this episode have been put into new posts, to save your brains. 

Drive-In Video Meta 1

Drive-In Video Meta 2

[Tagging by request: @space-malex, @istilfeelicantrustyou, @ineverthoughtiwouldneedasideblog, @callieramics, @lire-casander, @i-never-look-away, @stydiaeverafter, @tasyfa, @lovecolibri, @saadiestuff, @signoraviolettavalery, @ubiestcaelum, @el-gilliath - if you want to be tagged in future semiotics posts, let me know!]

[larryatendoftheday]

Harry’s Songs About Women™ (or what we learn from pronouns, patterns, and themes)

Ok it’s time to get this off my chest.

I don’t think Meet Me in the Hallway or Only Angel are linked to each other...or to Woman. In fact, I think Harry’s Songs About Women™ on HS1 are largely misinterpreted. 

Let’s back up. There have been some excellent close reading of the lyrics of Harry’s solo songs. There are clear lyrical links. 

Only Angel and Hallway reference doors and meeting in hallways. (On Only Angel Harry sings, “End up meeting in the hallway every single time and there’s nothing we can do about it.”) Only Angel begins with an audio clip--”I saw this angel. I really saw an angel”--from the film Barfly, written by Charles Bukowski. Woman references a Bukowski poem. (“This thing upon me howls like a beast. You flower; you feast.” compared to Bukowski’s “this thing upon me / like a flower and a feast”) 

These links connect all the Songs About Women except Kiwi and Carolina, both of which have unique inspiration stories that isolate them from the rest of the album. Kiwi is not about Harry’s personal experience, but it is likely to be an angry and silly reflection on babygate/Brianna/Freddie. According to the lyrics, Carolina was written after meeting a woman, Townes, once.

So the full list of Harry’s Songs About Women™ on HS1, in order of track listing is Meet Me in the Hallway, Carolina, Only Angel, Kiwi, & Woman.  However, when we look at the theme and tone of the linked tracks, it doesn’t quite add up.

The Songs About Women are largely fun, danceable rock songs. Carolina is about a “good girl” that impressed him. He says she “feels so good,” but he also admits he only met her once and sings “she’s so good” instead at the Abbey Road session so that is likely a metaphor. In Kiwi, he sings “She's driving me crazy, but I'm into it�� which again is a positive spin.  Only Angel focuses on desire and sexual attraction in what feels like a fling. Harry might “wanna die tonight” to sleep with her, but he likes it.  

However, Woman and Hallway, the other two songs Only Angel is linked to, are much more melancholy. On first glance, it’s possible that Only Angel is another dimension to the same relationship, but it’s also possible the links between the songs are less meaningful than they may appear. Spending a lot of time in hotels where hallways are omnipresent and fostering an interest in Bukowski could seep into writing regardless of the topic. 

Let’s look further.

Hallway is the only Song About Women that doesn’t use any gendered language. In it he sings about failing to communicate with his lover, something that is a theme across almost every other non-gendered song on the album.  It has much more in common with the rest of the album than the other Songs About Women.

“We don’t talk about it. It’s something we don’t do.” -- Hallway

“Tongue-tied like we've never known, telling those stories we already told cause we don't say what we really mean” -- Two Ghosts

“I always think of you and how we don’t talk enough.” -- Sweet Creature

“Comfortable silence is so overrated. Why won’t you ever say what you want to say? Even my phone misses your call, by the way” -- From the Dining Room Table 

“We don’t talk enough. We should open up before it’s all too much.” -- Sign of the Times 

The only gender neutral song without this explicit theme is Ever Since New York which Harry has reportedly said was inspired by receiving bad news about a family member while in a hotel room. That same source said he described it as “ a love song but not a love song.” A completely different analysis argues convincingly that it’s a reflection on bearding with Taylor Swift in NYC. Regardless, like Kiwi and Carolina, this song is a unique instance and it still hints at the themes of loneliness and miscommunication.

[You might stop me to say Sign of the Times is not about a relationship, to which I would say I mostly agree, but his attention to the lack of communication is what matters here.]

Turning now to Woman, we see it starts with a man speaking, saying, “ Should we just search romantic comedies on Netflix and then see what we find?” We know all about Harry’s love for romcoms and his band’s habit of ending each day’s work with one, but it does not match the tone of the song. Including it seems out of place...unless it is an important clue. If the song is about women in general--much like how romcoms use stereotypes and cliches--or even simply inspired by the plot of a heartwrenching movie, the introduction makes sense.

A complementary possibility is that the pronouns in the verses were adjusted. On tour, Harry sometimes changed the pronouns, singing things like, “SHE’s right where I should be.” Extrapolated across the song, this pronoun shift is huge. It’s no longer about a woman just outside his grasp, but a woman taking his place beside his lover. He is howling in pain about the woman (in fact any and every woman) who is beside his lover. It is thematically proximate to Girl Crush, notably one of only two songs he chose to cover on tour.

So what does all this mean?

What emerges from this thematic analysis is an album about a single, tortured relationship with a scattering of one-off songs. Harry’s Songs About Women™ are not necessarily related at all. Instead, they paint a picture of quick flings or brief attraction that pales against the longing and love in his genderless songs.

So Only Angel may indeed be about Kendall Jenner as so many have argued, but unless you believe Sweet Creature (for which he stuttered out a Louis denial) and Two Ghosts (written in 2013/2014) are also about her, you have to acknowledge the rest of the album is not inspired by her. A part of me wants to believe it is all about Louis. Another part aches at the thought of all those painful lyrics (”give me some morphine”) being penned about Larry. Regardless, this album is thematically cohesive enough to point to one main inspiration, someone he has been involved with seriously and for some time but with whom he has a difficult relationship. The echoing of lyrics between Louis and Harry’s solo music further solidifies the sense that it is about Louis.

I can’t leave you without noting that Harry tends to wave pride flags during Only Angel. Seems like an odd choice unless it’s a purposeful queering of his Straightest Song™. [Further reading: this post discusses this and also offers an alternate understanding for the Bukowski reference as an analogy for Harry’s public image.]

[ladyloveandjustice]

My top five (six) anime

So they asked on anime feminist what people’s favorite anime were. I KIND OF got carried away, why am i like this, might as well repost on here:

My top five are Sailor Moon, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Princess Tutu and Natsume's Book of Friends. Twelve Kingdoms used to occupy the fifth spot and it's still a favorite I just...love Natsume a lot.

Short pitches (w/ slight feminist perspective)

Sailor Moon: A crybaby girl turns into a superhero and finds friends and allies as she fights monsters. Classic magical girl anime, lots of fun, lots of strong friendships between women who are varied and complex characters, canon and well developed butch and femme lesbian couple, just massively important to anime in general and explicitly created to give regular girls heroes to empower them. Helped me realize I was queer! It's an early 90s anime though, so you'll run into some serious fatphobia, occasional homophobia, sexist comments, etc.

Fullemetal Alchemist: Brotherhood: Two brothers lose their bodies when they try to bring their mother back with alchemy and go on a journey to regain what they've lost. One of the most tightly plotted, emotional and well-told narratives I've seen period, alternately wildly funny and heartwrenching and grapples with heavy themes like loss, war, prejudice, grief, sin and redemption in an intelligent way. It's a very male-centered story in many ways, but there are several wonderful well-written female characters with robust character arcs and they're written in a respectful way that stands out among other shonen anime. Minimal fanservice as well.

Revolutionary Girl Utena: A girl who aims to be a prince one day gets involved in a strange game where students are dueling for possession of a girl called "the Rose Bride" in order to access a mysterious power. What can I say? It's a surreal feminist deconstruction of fairy tale/romance tropes centered a relationship between complex, well-developed queer women. It's amazing, affected me on a deep level, and helped me come to terms with my own queerness. There's a content warning for pretty much anything you can thing of, but for the most part it grapples with the subject matter well and tastefully (imo). Deals with stuff like victim blaming and abusive cycles in an interesting, effective way. Nothing's what it seems and there are endless layers to peel back. Also there are elephants on surfboards.

Princess Tutu: A duck turns into a magical girl in order to save a prince she's fallen in love with and help him restore his heart. Pretty much the best take on Swan Lake ever. Examines and overturns both fairy tale tropes and the nature of storytelling while developing wonderful characters and a slightly absurd, engaging world. Lots of arcs about women regaining agency. Fairly dark, but not in a needlessly edgy way. Lots of beautiful dancing, and seriously, the slow-burn character development is the best. You'll start out hating character and then by the end be surprised how much you love them. Stick with it,

Natsume's Book of Friends: A teenage boy with the power to see supernatural beings (yokai) inherits a strange book from his grandmother that gives him the power to enslave and command the yokai whose names are written in it. Instead, he decides to free them. To quote my rec post (http://ladyloveandjustice.t... ) Natsume is a beautiful anime about healing from trauma, growing as a person and connecting with those around you. I’ve heard it described as “like a warm hug” and I can’t think of anything more accurate. I often feel like it helps me heal from my own wounds. The main character is a total sweetheart, most of the characters are lovely and the beauty of the world the show takes place in is astounding. There’s tension and conflict a plenty, as well as complexity, but the show is really mostly about growth and love. There’s absolutely no gross fanservice or tropey, shady bullshit to be found here. This anime is heartfelt, gentle and emotional in the best way.

Also, the heavy thread throughout is a male character having a woman's legacy being an important part of his journey and identity as he finds out more about her and tries to understand her, which is just rare to see in fiction period. Lots of awesome ladies too.And cats!

And a quick bonus description of the Twelve Kingdoms: a submissive, insecure girl must learn what she's really made of when she's suddenly transported to another world and left to fend off demons by herself. Fantastic worldbuilding, some of the best character development I've ever seen (we see three girls who are major characters go through massive growth and change), has some criticism of sexism, deals with social issues as it explores the politics of the world- this is isekai done right. No fanservice or shady shit and just completely focused on women finding their power and agency.

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

Special Dangers of Social Media Self-Help Groups for LGBTQ+ Teens

This is above and beyond what’s addressed in Trill’s community guidelines. Like, they’ve already said no glorification of self-harm or eating disorders, no graphic images, etc.

Those are good guidelines and a bitch to enforce. Regular content moderation for a totally normal website can be kind of traumatizing, and that’s not even looking at the problems specific to mental health social media. (I was there, Gandalf. I was there three thousand years ago, when the pro-anorexia communities flourished, unchecked and out in the open...)

Trigger warning: Suicide, child abuse, self-injury, eating disorders, exclusionists

Users who disclose alarming levels of danger, suicide, or abuse, like “I’m 10 and I get sexually abused every night” or “I just took enough pills to definitely kill me, bye everybody!” where you will feel morally, practically, and legally culpable if you don’t intervene Right the Fuck Now.

Indirect SWATTING--someone who does the above, but falsely gives enough information so that somebody else could be identified as the person needing help and gets the cops called on them.

Adults who use the app masquerading as teenagers, which you as a moderator can never be 100% sure of unless you demand the kind of personal information Trill is dead set against demanding, but this description of how it felt to be abused sounds really creepy and titillating and like it was written by a middle-aged weirdo who’s getting off on it, but you can’t tell, and now all the genuinely vulnerable teens are treating this person like someone they love and trust, oh great.

Teenagers who definitely have problems, but are definitely not being truthful about which problems they have, who create fantastical narratives that are more socially acceptable sources of angst than their real lives, and at some point they will probably pretend to have cancer and kill off their virtual persona in a heartwrenching manner and then pretend to be their friend who is updating the entire community on what the funeral was like.

Adults who use the app masquerading as teenagers with fictional problems who then post a link to their crowdfunding campaign and you’re only 80% sure they’re not actually a teenager with leukemia and what if you’re wrong. It’s been over a decade and it still haunts me.

Community-reinforced escalating self-harm: This is why a lot of therapy groups forbid talking about the specifics. Someone with an eating disorder reads another user talking about feeling “fat” at a number lower than the reader’s current weight--the reader thinks, “Oh no, I’m DEFINITELY fat! I need to diet more!”, or someone who self-injures reads about someone else using a more severe method of self-harm and thinks, “I’m just a phony faker whining about my stupid problems. If I were in REAL pain, I’d self-injure like that. Incidentally, I wonder where I can get my hands on the means to do that more severe method...”

Suicide pacts. So, so many suicide pacts. Explicit and implicit. “You can’t die, bestie! You’re the only one keeping me alive! If you go I go!”

Your Identity and/or Boundaries are Hurting Me discourse, simple edition: "If we all just included trigger warnings, none of this would happen!” (Narrator: It would totally still happen)

Your Identity and/or Boundaries are Hurting Me discourse, nuanced edition: “Your pursuit of recovery/resistance to recovery/self-care through self-discipline/self-care through self-compassion/vivid descriptions of how bad your life is/demand for me to be soft and unspecific about how bad my life is... make me feel invalidated and bad”

Your Identity and/or Boundaries are Hurting Me discourse, radioactive edition: “You identifying as gay/lesbian/trans/bi/pan/ace/queer is homophobic/lesbophobic/transphobic/biphobic/transphobic/queerphobic/a slur, you’re hurting me!!!”

I hope it comes across that I care about mental health initiatives and I don’t think Trill is like, an awful site that needs to shut down right now. I hope they find a way to deal with this stuff and be truly useful. But I know that partnering with Tumblr is going to put a huge spike in their membership, and likewise put a huge strain on their moderation team. Going viral can be a huge burden. Heck, I’m talking about this on the sideblog where popular posts get maybe 5k notes and not the mainblog where they get 100k notes because I don’t want to put them on blast and subjected to the full force of Tumblr criticism when they’re a bunch of college kids and highschoolers.

I just... don’t trust the tech startup industry to actually support them when times get tough and their model isn’t scalable to massive monetization. I think what works with 8k or 80k users isn’t going to work with 800k or 8 million. I don’t think they’re going to be able to provide the level of moderation truly needed. So I think they’ve got a lot of challenges in store.

Me looking at Tumblr's new partnership with a totally anonymous app run "by teenagers, for teenagers" to provide mental health support for the LGBTQ+ community: 😬😬😬

Like, even if I were willing to be an unpaid moderator on that site, which for the record I'm absolutely not, I don't think I could, because my mental health practice license requires me to ensure my work meets a minimum standard of safety for the people I'm helping. And this app is so likely to turn toxic or dangerous that being involved with its ordinary functioning could cost my license when something goes wrong.

I started moderating internet support communities for at-risk teens 20 years ago, and all Trill leaves me with is a sense of "Oh you mean so well you dear sweet people" and 😬😬😬❌🚫⚠️