#but why am i even surprised at any of this? when has square ever been that great at marketing or made the best decisions?

[oveliagirlhaditright]

This lack of new Kingdom Hearts content or talk (like showing trailers or what have you) is honestly a mistake on Square Enix's part, I think.

A friend of mine, who's a casual KH fan (probably even more than a casual. He's played most of the games and kind of stays up to date with it through me) told me the other day that he missed when KH was relevant: obviously meaning that he doesn't think it is anymore. And can anyone really argue with that?

I know a lot of the super fans, who would be a part of the fandom rain or shine--whether there was content or not--are the least into it right now than they ever have been before, since there's literally nothing to keep us going.

And I'm aware that the plan has been for Missing Link to come out, and to tide us over with that (but things, sadly, keep getting in the way of that), but I still think putting so much on the shoulders of one single mobile game is questionable at best.

I also feel like they're counting on the momentum of KHIII to carry them forward, since it sold so well. But that was partly because some people were like, "Oh my gosh! That game that's allegedly been in development for thirteen years finally exists?! I'm going to check it out! Especially since I may or may not have played I and II when I was a kid." They're not going to have that same reaction with IV. A lot of people also really didn't like III (and thus might not give IV a chance for that reason), for some reason. And some who were big fans decided to quit after III, as it was the end of the Dark Seekers Chronicles and thus a good stopping point.

I feel like decisions they're making now are going to come back and hurt KHIV. But we'll see, I guess.

[maimingaffairs]

hellooo i would like to request something <33

basically hanahaki disease w/ Aleksander? when alina arrived at the little palace, reader had been coughing and Aleksander noticed then reader found out that she was coughing petals and eventually got to know it was a disease with the help of some of the plant expert grishas i guess perhaps the healers? then reader starts to distance herself from Aleksander so he wouldn't know but he eventually found out because one of the grisha witnessed one of reader's coughing session and maybe an angst to fluff fic 👉👈

first of all, i am so sorry.. she's a long one... this has been tentatively proofread so i apologise for any grammar or spelling errors. this is my first time writing this trope so i hope it will do alright. thank u for ur beautiful req, my lovely anon, i love u!

warnings: hanahaki disease, blood, vomiting, aleksander is an idiot here lowkey.

word count: 11.9k

To Love Another & Be Loved (aleksander morozova x fem!reader)

-

The Sun Summoner had to be one of the nicest people you’d met in your entire life. 

You wanted to dislike her, after all, she was the center of Aleksander’s attention almost all of the time. Not even the scraps of his time had been reserved for you as of late. 

But you simply couldn’t hate her. She was nothing but kind to you. You spent much of your time with her, anyway. You were the only other Tailor besides Genya and often helped her ready herself for important things when Genya was tending to the Queen. At first, your service to her was only out of obligation to Aleksander. After all, he was your best friend and he fought the King constantly to keep you away from the Grand Palace. The least you could do was help a bit. Surely it would be temporary. 

You sat in Alina’s room with her and you focused hard on twisting her hair up and braiding little bits of it to create an elaborate updo. She was to have dinner with the King and Queen and the Prince that night along with Aleksander. You wordlessly pinned up a thin, tiny braid and Alina sighed. 

“At what point does this all just… stop?” She asked warily and you eyed her through the mirror she sat in front of. 

You raised an eyebrow and shook your head, “What do you mean?” You questioned and flickered your eyes back on her hair. 

“Just… the showiness of it all. When do I become a person with capabilities rather than a spectacle?” 

“Likely never.” You replied with a frown and you met her eyes in the mirror, “But that shouldn’t discourage you. Be the best damn spectacle this country has seen.”

Her shoulders squared a bit and she seemed to at least somewhat like what you had to say. You smiled and went back to her hair, your fingers deftly weaving braids and little twists together for a while longer. You sat back after some time and then placed a few decorative pins in her hair, giving her an approving smile. 

“Lovely. I’m sure the royal family will just eat you up.” You teased and rose from the stool you sat on.  

“I’m sure Aleksander won’t like that.” She countered playfully and the smile slowly faded from your face. 

You blinked in surprise a few times and then let out an uneasy chuckle, “So he’s told you his name?” 

You didn’t know why it bothered you. But it did. 

Alina nodded and she slid on her kefta and buttoned it up while she hummed. You eyed her and bit down on the inside of your cheek. It was black, of course. You glanced down at your own kefta and smoothed it down almost self-consciously. You wore a red kefta that was intricately embroidered with blue threads, and you’d never been disappointed in it until now. 

Why not dress her in gold? You asked silently as you stared at her and you felt that same bitter twinge of jealousy you’d felt ever since she came to the Little Palace. Furthermore, the little sparkle in her eyes when she said his name didn't go unnoticed by you. 

“Yes, is it not very common knowledge?” She asked once she finished buttoning up her clothes and you shook your head. 

You opened your mouth to speak but a knock on the door cut you off. You took this as an opportunity to end this conversation before it made you more upset and you hurried to the door. You opened it up and you were instantly met by a familiar pair of dark eyes. A little weight was lifted from your chest and you smiled up at Aleksander who gave you a smile right back. 

“I figured you’d still be here.” He remarked and leaned down to press a chaste and polite kiss on your cheek. Your skin felt warm and tingly where his lips had made contact and as he pulled away, you prayed he didn’t see the way your face was flushing. 

“It probably wouldn’t have taken so long if Alina didn’t have so much hair.” You noted and then tucked a piece of your own back behind your ear, “I haven’t seen much of you recently.” You remarked, trying your best to keep your tone casual. 

Aleksander clasped his hands behind his back and he gave you a wide smile, “Well, as you know, I’ve been very busy. Join me for tea tomorrow afternoon, I would love to catch up with you.” He said earnestly and you felt a tug in your chest. 

“Of course. Tea sounds wonderful.” You replied, and watched as his eyes shifted over your shoulder. 

The look on his face made your own smile falter. His eyes were fixed on Alina who stood behind you and his smile had turned into an awestruck expression, his eyes softening in ways they didn’t even soften for you. 

“Miss Starkov, you look dazzling.” He commented and you suddenly felt very small, standing in the middle of them. 

Her shy giggle sent a gravelly itch up your throat and you blinked a few times, trying to fight back a cough. 

She thanked him and said something else, but you didn’t hear it because a dry, gritty cough came tearing up through your throat. You held your hands over your mouth frantically and doubled over. You felt a hand on your back and slowly you straightened yourself back up and gasped for air, the coughs ceasing. 

“Are you alright? Would you like a bit of water?” You heard Alina ask and you shook your head, shifting your eyes downwards. 

“What was that? Did you choke on a fly?” Aleksander asked with an amused little chuckle. You gave him a terse laugh in response and felt your throat burn again. Another much smaller and shorter cough reverberated through your chest and you held your hands tightly over your mouth. A warm, wet feeling coated your palms and your face paled. 

Once you recovered you frantically balled your hands up in fists and lowered them to your sides, clearing your throat, “I’m not sure where that came from. I think I’ll go make some tea. Have a lovely dinner.” You murmured hoarsely and scurried past Aleksander, not bothering to look back at them. You made it halfway down the hallway before you slowly unfurled your hands and held them up so that you could see your palms. 

They were sporadically coated in blood.

-

“You don’t have a cold, y/n. Perhaps it’s just the dry air. Winter is upon us.” Genya stated as she stirred a sugar cube into her tea. 

You looked over your shoulder and expected to see Aleksander any time now and then you turned back to Genya with a shrug. 

“I don’t know what else it could be. I can’t stop coughing.” You replied, leaving out the part where most of your coughs dragged blood up from your throat. 

She hummed and took a sip of her tea before shaking her head, “No. Grisha don’t get sick, lovely. You can’t have a cold. Perhaps you’re allergic to something you’ve been smelling or using or eating. Anything new in your diet? Perfumes? Lotions?” She pressed and you shook your head, “Well, then I’m not sure what to tell you. See a Healer if you’re concerned about it but I’m telling you it’s likely the dry air.” She urged. 

You looked down at your own tea and watched tendrils of steam climb the air above it. You let out a sigh and reached out to grab a sugar cube, when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You jumped and spun around, feeling instant relief when you saw that it was only Aleksander who had his hand on you. You sighed contently and leaned your cheek down against the back of his hand. 

“Please, forgive me. I know I’m a bit late to tea. I just had a rather disappointing conversation with a few trackers.” He hummed and then pulled his hand away from your shoulder, leaving you with a certain kind of emptiness. 

He slid into the chair next to you and grabbed your hand tightly, and you felt your heart beat a little bit faster. Genya must have heard it, because she smirked and quickly raised her teacup to her lips to hide it. 

“You weren’t at breakfast this morning.” He commented and tapped your knuckles with the side of his thumb. 

“I wasn’t feeling the best.” You drawled and looked up at his face. He didn’t seem overly concerned when you mentioned that you didn’t feel well, but he didn’t brush it off, either. 

“Odd. Perhaps you should see my Healer.” He pressed and then he reached out and poured himself a cup of tea with his free hand before he released your hand. 

You didn’t respond. Instead, you turned back to your own tea and took a sip of it, looking up at Genya who cleared her throat and stood up.

“Well. I’ll leave you two to it then. I’ve got to get back to the Queen.” She stated and gave you a small wave before scurrying off. 

“Y/n. My Healer?” Aleksander pressed and you glanced up at him. 

You gave him a polite shake of your head and you smiled, “No, it’s all okay. I feel much better now.” You insisted. And it was partially true. You did feel a bit better now that you had some tea. 

You felt his onyx eyes on you as you turned back to your tea and before you could turn towards him, he reached up and brushed a bit of your hair back behind your ear. 

“You look very tired.” He commented and frowned, letting his fingers linger against the side of your face for only a second before dropping them. 

“I am tired. But I have a lot to do today. Besides, I’m getting fitted for my dress today. For the Fete.” You commented, trying to change the subject. 

He hummed and then picked up his teacup, “What are you going to wear?” He asked curiously and he shifted his entire body towards you. 

You looked over at him and slowly turned yourself to face him as well and you gave him a little smile, “Well, not red. That’s for sure. I picked something soft. Pink. A pretty pink dress.”

“Pink is a form of red.” Aleksander pointed out, an amused little smile forming on his perfect lips. 

You giggled and then shook your head, reaching out to give his arm a very gentle smack, “Pink is a very nice color and even if it is red at the very core of it all, I will be wearing it.”

He rolled his eyes playfully and then he chuckled, “Determined little thing, aren’t you?” He asked and then set his teacup down, “I’m glad you’re coming. I was worried you would skip this Fete like you did last year.” 

“Well, last year Vasily was all over me. And I hated it. Of course I didn’t go.” You remarked with a little snort. Aleksander laughed softly and shook his head, turning back to his tea. 

You looked at him, your face softening. Everything about him seemed so… inviting in that moment. The way his hair was immaculately brushed back and curled around the back of his neck, the little curve of his lips as they stayed in their smile from your antics. His dark eyes shone with a rare light of humor and the light of the afternoon sun illuminated them perfectly as you stared at him from the side. He was so heartbreakingly beautiful. 

And you wanted him so badly. You wanted to kiss him, you wanted him to hold you, you wanted him to look at you the way he’d looked at Alina the night before. You wanted to wear black with him and you wanted to be at his side during the Fete. 

You were desperately in love with your best friend, and the worst part was that you could never tell him. 

Your silence must have concerned him in some way, because he slowly turned to face you, the smile slowly vanishing from his face. 

“Y/n, you look like you are about to cry, darling. What’s going on?” He asked softly and you shook your head a few times. 

“N..nothing is wrong.” You lied and felt your throat begin to tingle with the familiar preceding another coughing fit, “I think I just need to go lie down. I feel… unwell.” You added, your voice getting weaker as you tried to keep a cough at bay. 

“Please,” Aleksander began and slowly rose from his chair, “let me walk you to your room, my dear. You are starting to worry me a little bit, if I’m being perfectly honest with you.” He stated and held his arm out for you to take. 

You reached up to grab his arm but instantly yanked your hands back and brought them to your face as you began to cough violently into your palms. The sharp, metallic taste of blood filled your mouth and you heaved forward on your chair, nearly falling off as you coughed. Aleksander’s strong hands caught your shoulders, and before you could protest, he was lifting you up into his arms. 

“Alright. I’m going to take you to your room and then I’m going to send for a Healer. This isn’t natural. You shouldn’t be coughing like that.” He stated. 

You held your hands over your mouth for a while longer as your coughs subsided and you blinked a few times. Once you were sure no more coughs were to come, you pulled your hands up into the sleeves of your kefta and you cleared your throat, wincing as it burned, “No, you don’t need to. I swear to the Saints it’s just allergies, Aleksander.” You said wheezily. 

He looked down at your face and his brows furrowed together and he shook his head, “You have blood on your chin.” He commented and you gaped up at him. 

You reached up and wiped your chin with the sleeve of your kefta and he simply shook his head. You closed your eyes exhaustedly and let him carry you the rest of the way to your room. Once he’d gotten you to your bedroom, he laid you out on your bed and frowned down at you. 

“I’m sending a Healer up here. Don’t be stubborn, please let them help. I’d stay but I’m taking Alina riding. Promise me you will accept the help I send for you.” He said sternly and you opened your eyes. 

You stared up at him, something snapping in your chest. He couldn’t even stay to make sure you were okay? 

“That’s fine. I promise.” You said bitterly and then shook your head, “Have fun riding with Alina.” 

You were sure he caught the bitterness in your tone, because he scowled slightly and then shook his head. He looked as if he might argue with you but instead he wordlessly turned on his heel and left your room, slamming your door behind him. 

A brutal cough tore itself free from your chest and it sent you shooting up into a sitting position. You held your hands over your mouth to catch the droplets of blood that loosed themselves from your throat. Your throat burned as if you were swallowing acid and you miserably pulled your hands away from your mouth between coughs. You stared down at the blood in your hands and suddenly your stomach twisted. You launched yourself off of the bed and grabbed the waste bin that sat near your bed and you coughed violently into it until something sharp tore its way up through your throat and out of your mouth. You had to blink a few times before it registered what exactly sat in the once-empty waste bin; what exactly came out of your mouth. A small cluster of thorns lay in a thick puddle of your blood, and a cluster of bloody rose petals laid around it.

Your mouth hung agape as you stared down into the wastebasket and you pushed it away from you with a frightened yelp. 

Something soft slid against your tongue and you reached up and shakily pulled a blood wetted rose petal off of your tongue, and it was the last thing you saw before your vision went black. 

-

Something wet and cold mopped across your feverish forehead and you slowly opened your eyes. Someone’s hand moved back and forth in your line of sight and you heard a loud gasp before your hands were being clutched tightly. You cleared the fuzziness from your vision by blinking a handful of times and you slowly sat up a bit to see Genya standing over you with her hands clasping yours. A Healer stood at your bedside with a cloth in her hand and you looked back and forth between the two of them before you let out a raspy sigh. 

“Y/n! Sweetheart! What is going on? Emilia found you this way. She said The Darkling sent her up here to you and that when she came in you were out cold on the floor.” 

Emilia must have been the name of the Healer girl at your side and you looked over at her with a terse smile before you looked back at Genya. Her wide eyes were even wider with fear and you frowned, not wanting to have frightened her. 

“I’m fine, I promise. It just must be aller-“

“It is not allergies!” Genya cut you off viciously and dropped your hand to point at the waste bin, “What kind of allergy has you throwing up… plants?” She demanded and you simply shrugged. 

She exasperatedly squeezed the hand of yours that she still held and she frowned, “Emilia tried to heal you but couldn’t find anything wrong with you. Your lungs sound terrible but other than that, you’re healthy.” She said with worry lacing every word she spoke, “When The Darkling gets back from riding-“

You shook your head and held your hand up, “No. No we are not going to tell him a single thing, do you two understand me? You will tell him I am suffering allergies and will be fine in a week or two. I don’t want him around.” You said in a clipped tone.

Genya looked surprised when you said this but she didn’t protest. Instead, she comfortingly brushed her thumb across the back of your hand and let out a defeated little sigh, “Oh, honey. Are things that bad?” 

You slowly looked up at Emilia and Genya did as well. Emilia looked between the two of you and she let out a little sigh. 

“I’ll go get you some tea for your throat.” She said, excusing herself from the conversation that you so desperately wanted to keep private. 

The moment the Healer left the room, you burst into tears. Your ragged breaths seemed to tear trenches into your throat as you cried and little coughs escaped your lips between sobs. You buried your face in your hands and barely noticed when Genya sat right next to you and wrapped her arm around your shoulder, pulling you against her side. 

“Sweetheart, what happened? This afternoon you were all smiles for him.” She breathed and gently rubbed your arm, soothing your cries just slightly. 

“Oh, Genya. I love him. I’m so very in love with him and he hardly gives me the time of day anymore. He speaks of Alina like she’s hung his entire sky. He looks at her like she’s more precious than jewels. He noticed I wasn’t feeling well, and he couldn’t even stay with me. He just tossed a healer at me and left to go with her. It hurts, Genya.” You cried, hiding your face against her shoulder. 

The red haired girl stroked your hair and your back and your arm as you cried against her and at some point, reached out to grab the cool cloth Emilia had left behind. She gently dabbed it against your cheeks and the side of your neck and she frowned, letting you cry. 

Your chest ached terribly at the idea that you loved your best friend who would never love you back, but it seemed to hurt more that you were all in all losing said best friend. Genya coaxed you down until your cheek was against her upper thigh and she ran her fingers through your hair, dabbing the cold cloth against your burning skin still. 

“Things will work out the way they’re supposed to, honey.” Genya said softly, still trying to soothe you. 

Tears rolled down your cheeks still, but your cries subsided for the most part. You exhaustedly closed your eyes and relaxed underneath the Tailor’s touch. You took painful, deep breaths and attempted to calm yourself. You laid in silence against Genya’s thigh for a long time, the only sounds being your sniffles and coughs and little whines. You desperately tried to clear your head of Aleksander, and nearly had, before your door swung open. You heard the handle smack against the wall, and heavy footsteps made their way across your floors. Aleksander. You laid still against Genya and prayed that he thought you were asleep. 

“Emilia says it’s only allergies.” Genya said quietly and you felt her hand slow in your hair until it rested protectively against the crown of your head. 

You heard him shuffle for a moment before he hummed, “She looks miserable.” He remarked. 

He lifted his hand to touch your arm, but Genya shooed his hand away and shook her head. 

“Let her sleep.” She murmured and you heard Aleksander snort. 

“Well, according to my Healer, she’s been unconscious for three hours up until now. How is she sleeping again?” He asked and you could tell he didn’t believe you were asleep. 

That didn’t stop you from pretending, still. 

“Because she is feeling unwell. Why don’t you come and see her tomorrow morning?” Genya suggested and slowly began to drag her fingers through your hair again. 

“I don’t want to see her tomorrow morning. I want to see her now.”

“I don’t think she wants to see you, moi soverenyi.” The Tailor countered. 

The room was silent for a moment and then you heard the rustle of his kefta as he shifted in place. You bit the inside of your cheek, fighting back every desire inside of you that screamed for you to launch yourself into his arms. Maybe if you did, he would carry you like he had earlier. You wanted to scream how you loved him in his face and cry on his chest about how he was hurting you. But you stayed rooted in the bed. 

“Mm, alright then. Let her know that she needn’t seek me out then. If she truly does not want to see me. I won’t bother her.” He said coldly and you felt your face screw up in despair. 

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m only saying she likely doesn’t want to be bothered and roused from an already uncomfortable sleep just so you can ask her what I’ve already asked a hundred times. It’s just allergies. It happens with the turn of the seasons.” Genya explained calmly, her voice steady. 

“I’ve known her for years now and she’s never had allergies at the turn of the seasons.” He stated. 

“Well, that’s the only thing that it can be. The Healer said it herself. She’s perfectly healthy otherwise.” Genya insisted. 

There was another long silence in the room and you could feel his near-black eyes boring into you, traveling your crumpled form. But he said nothing more. After a while, you heard his footsteps as he left the room and the door closed, much more carefully this time. 

You didn’t dare open your eyes until Genya sighed and gently tapped the back of your head, “He’s not here, it’s okay.” She murmured and you slowly opened your eyes. 

Another cry escaped your lips. 

-

The next few days were absolutely miserable. You’d spent the first day and half in your room, and when Genya wasn’t waiting on you, you were alone. Aleksander didn’t come to see you once, and you came to accept that it was just going to be your new normal. 

The first time you emerged from your bedroom in days was for dinner, and Genya held you tight to her side as she walked with you down to the dining hall. Normally, she didn’t eat with the other Grisha, but she had neglected many of her duties to the Queen to take care of you for the past two days. 

Now, three days had passed since you had last seen- or heard, rather- Aleksander, and you sat out in the courtyard on the grass with Genya. The red haired girl had insisted that you needed sunlight and she sat and read under a tree with you while you laid your head in her lap. You could hardly speak, and when you did, your voice was raspy and quiet. Every now and then, the girl would look over her book to check on you, and each time she did, she’d give you a kind smile. 

“Are you hungry?” She asked after a while and brought her hand up to your forehead to feel for your temperature. 

You shook your head weakly and rubbed your cheek with the back of your hand, “I don’t have an appetite, admittedly.” You murmured and she clicked her tongue, but didn’t press the subject. 

You tried your best to enjoy the cool breeze on your feverish cheeks, but you couldn’t seem to distract yourself from the pounding in your head and the raw burn in your throat.

“What are you reading?” You asked Genya absentmindedly and she hummed. 

“Reading up on rare diseases. I found a few books that have information about sicknesses and accounts of Grisha becoming ill with certain ones. I thought maybe it would help us figure out what’s going on with you.” She stated and turned a page as if on cue. 

A warm feeling tickled your nose and you felt it travel downwards until your skin was wet and you gasped and let out a curse. You sat up quickly and held your hand over your nose as it bled and you glanced down at the little bloody spot on Genya’s kefta. 

“Saints. I’m so sorry. I’m such a mess.” You breathed and cupped your hands underneath your nose to catch the rapidly flowing blood. 

The girl simply shook her head and pulled handkerchief out of her pocket and passed it to you, “Don’t be sorry. We can get the stain out easily.” She insisted, and you gratefully took the handkerchief from her and held it against your nose.

“Perhaps we should get you inside?” She suggested and you nodded once. You grabbed onto the tree with your free hand and balanced yourself as you rose to your feet. You felt winded as you stood and your throat began to prickle and you let out a groan that was cut short when you leaned forward and coughed viciously into the sleeve of your kefta. Little petals spewed out of your mouth as you coughed and got stuck with your blood onto the fabric of your sleeve, but you weren’t surprised anymore. Thorns and petals came along with the coughs now. At least now your nose had ceased its bleeding. You wiped your mouth with your sleeve and groaned in pain as you felt Genya touch your back. 

“Oh, Saints. Hurry. Let’s go inside. The Darkling is out here.” She said in a hushed tone, and though you two tried to hurry into the palace, it seemed you weren’t fast enough, because Aleksander called your name.

You looked up at Genya worriedly and she took a glance at your face. Blood was smeared under your nose and on your chin and she let out a huff before she snatched the handkerchief from your hand and quickly cleaned up your face. She stuffed the soiled fabric into her pocket once more and you turned around just in time to see Aleksander approach you with Alina not far behind.

His kefta billowed like smoke behind him in the breeze and when he reached you, his face was nothing short of irritated and accusatory. His beautiful face was set in an angry grimace and his eyes were hard. You shied back slightly and felt Genya’s hand press encouragingly into your back. 

“It must be rather fun ignoring me, since you’ve done it flawlessly for three days now.” He snapped and you looked down at your feet, biting down on the inside of your cheek. 

“I haven’t felt well, I’m sorry.” You mumbled. 

He snorted and reached out to grab your jaw, tilting your face up so that he could look down upon you, “That’s not an excuse. I don’t expect you to be prancing and frolicking around, but as someone who cares about you, I would at least like to be updated about your state.” 

His words sent a shockwave of sadness through your chest and you frowned, your eyes watering. You blinked away your tears rapidly, refusing to cry in front of him and Alina. He let go of your face slowly and he shook his head. 

“My dear, I worry about you, that’s all. I’m not truly angry, oh please don’t cry.” He said softly, his expression ridding itself of all anger as he watched your eyes gloss over with unshed tears. 

You shifted your gaze over his shoulder and watched as Alina gently grabbed his arm and he subtly pulled her into his side. The action had you biting down on your cheek hard, a terrible cough fighting its way up your throat. You felt something sharp rise to the back of your throat and you shoved past all three of them to get inside of the palace, holding your hands over your mouth as you raced to your bedroom. 

You were unsure of how you held it in for so long, but as soon as you got to your room, a violent retching sound ripped it’s way up through your chest and your throat and you fell to your knees and a slew of blood and petals came spewing out of your mouth. The heavy, sharp presence was still in the back of your throat and you coughed, and coughed, and coughed until you felt something shred the back of your throat and come loose. A rosebud tumbled from behind your lips, followed by a thick mixture of blood and saliva. You stared down at the sticky, bloody mess you had made all over your pale blue rug and you brought your shaky hands up to your clammy face, covering your mouth as you sobbed. 

Your chest ached and burned as if you’d swallowed blades and you let out a shrill scream of frustration. You sunk down onto the floor even further and curled up into a ball, your cheek resting a bit too close to the sticky puddle of blood and floral matter. You were too exhausted to care. Everything hurt, nothing made sense. Every breath you took sent shards of glass sliding down your throat and you coughed again, bits of petals getting stuck to your bloodied lips. You slowly closed your eyes and shivered once, reaching down and holding your knees to your chest. 

No one had followed you. Not even Aleksander. Even just thinking his name sent a pang of raw emotion through your chest and a few little tears rolled down your cheeks as you laid against the ruined carpets. Too busy with Alina. Too busy with everything. When did the busy excuses end? At what point did you need to accept that he didn’t love you as much as you loved him, and certainly not in the same way. You cursed yourself for thinking of him. Why were you thinking of him? He surely wasn’t thinking of you. You should have been thinking about why the hell you were sick. 

But all you could think about was Aleksander. 

-

You weren’t sure how or when, but at some point, you’d been moved up onto your bed and your blood-ruined dress had been switched out for a light, breathable nightgown. A hand dragged itself through your hair slowly and you almost thought you were imagining in your half-asleep state, until you heard voices. 

“I don’t really care. I will remove someone from the frontlines if we must. I need a very, very good Healer and I need them promptly.” 

You recognized Aleksander’s voice anywhere, and now that you were a bit more aware, you could tell that it was not Genya’s delicate little hand running through your hair.  

It was his. 

You kept your eyes closed and tried to enjoy the very minimally important action of his hand stroking your hair so gently. 

“Then find someone. But I don’t think this is anything to worry about.” 

That voice belonged to Genya, and you felt a sense of relief that she was still covering for you. 

“Genya, do not give me excuses any longer. I know she is ill. To the extent and with what, I am unsure. But she is my dearest friend, and I will not be so easily deterred from finding a solution to her health.” He spoke quietly, as if he didn’t want to wake you and you felt your lip nearly wobble. 

You didn’t know if you were joyful or devastated to hear him call you his friend. You longed for ignorance. You longed to think that he was here to confess his love for you, you wanted him to play with your hair like this for hours and hold you in his arms while you slept. 

You wouldn’t get your wish, though. 

“Sir, I think it would just be best to give her space.” Genya suggested quietly. 

Aleksander’s hand stilled against your head and went rigid, “And why do you say that?” He asked coldly. 

“Well, you just hardly… see her anymore. I think perhaps she’s a bit bothered by your neglect.”

“Has she told you this?”

“Yes.”

The room was silent and you wanted to sob as you felt his hand slowly leave your hair. You wanted to catch his wrist and bring it back, beg him to never let you go. 

“Well, she always has been a bit of a jealous little thing. She’ll get over it. I’ll be back to check on her tomorrow sometime.” He said dismissively and you felt the bed move and assumed he had climbed off of it. 

You waited until you heard him leave to open your eyes and you let out a long, ragged sigh. You felt the bed dip beside you and Genya was placing her hand against your forehead. She let out a little hum and then shook her head.

“You’re very lucky I managed to clean everything up before he came barging in here.” She said softly and reached down to grab your hand. 

Tears welled up in your eyes and you blinked them away, shrugging. 

“At some point we need to tell him what’s going on, Y/n.” She urged gently and then squeezed your hand as softly as possible. 

You felt a little wave of gratefulness in your chest at Genya’s determined and dedicated presence and you squeezed her hand back, “Eventually.” You murmured and then closed your eyes again, still feeling exhausted. 

“You sound terrible.” She noted and sat up against the headboard, resting her back against it. You very slowly rolled over and laid your head against her thigh and you sighed. 

“You’re my best friend, Genya.” You murmured. 

She let out a little sigh and she laid her hand on top of your head, “You really love him, don’t you?” She asked quietly. 

You didn’t answer her at first. She knew the answer and so did you, but the moment you spoke it aloud, it became real and it became capable of ruining everything. 

“Yes.” You finally answered in a squeak. 

There was a silence that filled the air around the two of you and you felt her lean over the edge of the bed for a moment. When she settled back in her spot, she tapped your head very gently and cleared her throat. 

“I found something. While you were sleeping.” She said almost nervously. 

“What do you mean, ‘something’?” You asked and stared off at the wall ahead of you. 

“I mean about your… condition.” She said quietly and you could hear her flipping through a book above you. 

Finally, she laid the open book down in front of your face and you reached up with a shaking hand to grab it. You sat up slowly with a bit of her help and laid the book in your lap as you peered down at it. The pages were old and weathered but the drawings were clear as can be. Roses were sketched onto the page and you ran your fingers over the paper as you read the text next to it. 

‘In extreme cases of unrequited love, the affected person will become sick with envy and begin to exhibit signs of serious illness…’

You blinked a few times and read through the recorded symptoms. 

Every single one was something you were experiencing.

“No. Absolutely not.” You breathed and looked up at a frowning Genya. 

“The symptoms are all there. This is what’s ailing you.” She said, her eyes growing watery. 

“Genya-“

“I’ll spare you the heavy reading. There is no cure, not unless he confesses his true and honest love for you.” 

You felt dread add itself to your already sore chest and you turned your head to look up at her. 

“Oh.”

She brought her hands up and cupped your cheeks and she shook her head, “I swear, we won’t let you die. We will find a way. Me and Baghra, Saints, I’ll even tell Him-“

“You can’t tell him.” You whispered and looked up at her tearfully, “You have to swear to me that you will not tell him. Genya, I’m begging you. Let him just… let him be happy with his Sun Summoner. He’ll forget about me, he’s already beginning to.” You said and sniffled, reaching up to wipe your eyes. 

Tears were falling down the redhead’s cheeks now and she shook her head, “No, this isn’t how it ends.” She said sternly and wiped her own eyes with the backs of her hands after she lowered them from your face. 

You leaned your head against her shoulder and closed your eyes, “I’m so tired.” You whispered, feeling exhaustion course through your body at a rapid rate. 

“Sleep, sweetheart. Please. I’ll stay here with you until morning.” Genya promised and you nodded. 

She helped you lay back onto the pillow behind you and she tucked the comforter around your shoulders before feeling your forehead once again.

“Thank you for being so good to me.” You whispered and she gave you a heartbreakingly sad smile. 

“What are friends for?”

-

The next morning was excruciating. A terrible coughing fit roused you from your sleep and you’d- yet again- made a bloody, flowery mess all over. This time, you helped Genya clean the mess up despite her protests. Once she’d helped you clean up, she announced that she had a hot bath drawn for you. 

You followed her into your bathroom and pulled your clothes off before you stepped into the hot water and let out a long, relieved sigh as you sunk down into it and sat. 

“I need to go tend to the Queen for a little while. I shouldn’t be too long. Will you be okay if I leave for just a few hours? If you need anything, I’ve already informed Baghra of your condition, you can go find her.” She explained and then gave you a little smile. 

“You’ve been busy this morning.” You commented and she shrugged. 

“Well, I’m just making sure you’ll be alright while we figure this all out.” She said softly and patted your head a few times, “Well, off I go. Please, please be careful. And if you have a coughing fit, do it over the tub. We can drain the water easily.” She said, half joking.  

You bid her farewell and she left your room and you sank deeper into the water, letting it soothe your sore muscles, though it didn’t do much for your stinging throat and aching chest. You brought a hand to your forehead and you felt a wave of melancholia drag you down. 

There was really no way that you were going to get out of this alive. It wasn’t like Aleksander was going to burst in on his knees and confess that he’d loved you the entire time, and you highly doubted that if a Healer couldn’t help you, then you were beyond help. You rubbed your temples very slowly and let out a very long, exasperated sigh, which triggered a few coughs. Little droplets of blood flew forward into the water from your mouth and you winced as a few petals loosed themselves from your throat as well. They floated atop the hot water and you picked one of the soft, pink petals up tentatively. It looked like a rose petal. It was a rose petal. You were grateful that it was only a few soft petals this time rather than the thorns and stems you’d cough up other times. You dropped the petal back in the water and you laid your head back against the edge of the bathtub weakly.

Your chin wobbled slightly and you closed your eyes just as tears started to stream out of them. You soundlessly cried as you sat in the steaming water and you reached up to hold your hands over your face as you cried. Soon enough, your cries were no longer soundless and you sobbed into your hands. Your whole entire body hurt and you were in agony. Emotional and physical agony. You wished for it all to stop and you pulled your hands away from your face and gripped the edges of the tub as you continued to cry with your eyes squeezed shut in pain.

Your mind wandered to Aleksander, something it often did, and you gasped painfully. You could practically feel his fingers running through your hair again, and you pictured what it would have been like if he had gathered you in his slender arms instead of just messing with your hair. The thought brought you a split second of comfort before it brought on waves of pain, crashing against your chest like rogue waves in a tumultuous ocean. 

Oh, you loved him. You couldn’t just stop loving him. Even though you sat and wished so desperately that you could. You gripped the edges of the tub impossibly tight and sputtered out a few heavy coughs that left your chest feeling split open. Your bathwater was tinged pink now and there was an arrangement of fragmented and full rose petals floating around in the water.  

A little tap made you open your eyes and you looked up to see Aleksander standing in the doorway of your bathroom. You made a move to cover yourself but he simply shook his head. 

“I’m not looking, it’s okay.” He stated, staying in the doorway. 

You glanced away from him sadly and you gave him a nod. You heard his boots tap against the marble floor and you heard a bit of rustling before you turned your head towards him again to see that he was now kneeling at the side of your tub. 

“You look terrible. Really, really terrible.” He commented. 

“Thanks. You really know how to make someone feel great, Aleksander.” You snapped and narrowed your eyes at him. 

He let out a sigh and shook his head a few times, “You’re still lovely. You just look miserable. Have you looked in a mirror recently? You look malnourished, you look poorly rested. Your face is sunken, your eyes are lifeless, you look terrible.” He explained and you laid your head down on the edge of the tub. 

“I’ll be fine.” You said nonchalantly. 

“Yeah, you all keep trying to tell me that but I don’t believe it all that much. Look at you. You can’t even move without it looking like it’s causing you pain.” 

“What do you care?” You asked and closed your eyes, biting back a sob. 

“What do I care? What do I care? Are you an imbecile? I care more than you seem to even care to imagine!” He snapped angrily and stood up abruptly. 

“Whatever. I know you’d rather be with your Sun Summoner right now. Please just go.”

“Saints, you’re such a bitter thing! You knew what the Sun Summoner coming here would mean. You know what it does mean. Get over yourself, this is bigger than you and your need for attention!” He exclaimed. 

Though he hadn’t, you felt as if he’d lifted you to your feet and slapped you until you fell. You slowly opened your eyes and looked up at him. Your eyes grew glossy with tears and you bit down on your cheek before you shifted your eyes away from a seething Aleksander.

“Please just go away.” You whimpered and brought your hands up to your face, hiding it from his sight. 

You cried silently for a moment and you rubbed your eyes vigorously before lifting your head out of your hands to tell him once more to leave. 

But he was already gone. 

-

The week leading up to the winter fete was exhausting. 

Not that you had been doing much other than laying around in your room and taking brief walks whenever Genya had a moment to accompany you outside. 

Nothing had improved though. 

You were still weak, still coughing, still in pain. Nothing was better, in fact, it seemed to only worsen by the day. 

The day of the fete was upon you and you had argued with Genya for nearly two hours so that she’d let you go. Finally, she had conceded and told you that you could go as long as you left early and were very, very careful not to cough around anyone. 

“And if you start feeling worse, you’re going right back to bed. Do you understand me?” Genya asked critically as she held a big, white box to her chest. Your dress. She was holding it hostage until you agreed to her terms. 

“Yes, fine, anything! I’ve waited so long to go.” You weren’t sure why you were so excited to go to the fete. You had previously been excited to go because you’d be going with Aleksander, but of course, that wasn’t the case now. You hadn’t seen him in nearly a week. Genya told you he’d been in to check on you while you slept, but you doubted it. You doubted a lot when it came to Aleksander these last seven days. 

Genya set the box down on a small table near the fireplace in your room and she opened it up, humming softly to herself as she did, “Pink? I didn’t pin you as a pink girl.” 

“Well, I am one. And it’s pretty, isn’t it?” You asked and watched as she pulled the gown out from the box. 

It was beautiful. It was a pale shade of blush pink with long sleeves and lots of beautiful embroidery and bead work. The dress earned you an approving sound from Genya and she looked over at you as you sat on the edge of your bed. 

“It is pretty, yes. I’m a bit worried you’ll stain it.” She said and eyed you with a frown, “Are you sure you want to go? You’re still so sick. Worse, even.” She said with a frown as she walked towards you and laid the dress out on the bed at your side. 

“I want to go. We can go together. Besides, I’ve been stuck in here for so long now.” You said, sighing dramatically. Your throat burned with your sigh and Genya watched as you brought your fingers to your throat. 

She quickly grabbed the waste bin next to your bed and held it up to you and you grabbed it. You coughed over it painfully for a few minutes, an array of petals and a few small thorns freeing themselves from your inflicted lungs. Genya held her hand against your back comfortingly and waited for you to spit the last of the sticky blood out and then she gently took the waste bin from your hands. She passed you a glass of water from your bedside table and you sipped it, even though it felt like you were swallowing broken glass. 

“Y/n, you look awful.” Genya said sadly and pushed some of your limp hair away from your face. 

You knew she was right. Your entire face had sunken in and you were aware of the dark circles under your eyes. Any luster your hair or skin once had was now gone and you looked dull and lifeless. You looked almost like a walking corpse. Your nails were thin and brittle and your lips were chapped and had traces of dried blood on them. You did look awful. 

Realistically, you could use your abilities and make yourself look better, but you had absolutely no energy to do so. You were lucky if you had the energy to get up and take a walk with Genya. You sighed quietly and wiped your lips with the back of your hand and shrugged once. You shakily passed the glass of water back to Genya and you rubbed your eyes. 

“Will you help me get ready? Nothing fancy, I just don’t wanna look so unhealthy.” You asked quietly and she nodded a couple of times.

She leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead and then offered her hands down towards you. You accepted them gratefully and pulled yourself to your feet with her help and she passed you your dress. 

“Go change, I’ll help you button up.” She prompted and you took the dress from her and wandered off towards the dressing screen in the corner of your room. 

You slid behind it and undressed yourself with weak, shaking hands, and you pushed your nightdress off of your body. You tossed it aside and then took on the next task of stepping into the soft pink gown. You climbed into the dress clumsily and once you’d pulled the sleeves on and gotten it situated on your body, you wandered out from behind the screen. Genya awaited you by your bed and you made your way over to her and turned around so that the undone back of your dress faced her. 

“You need to promise me one more thing.” Genya said quietly as she began to button up your dress nimbly. 

“What is it?” You asked, looking back over your shoulder at the redheaded girl. 

“Avoid the Darkling at all costs tonight please. Your condition worsens after he’s around, I’ve seen it. Please just, don’t seek him out, stay away from him. Have fun, mingle, have a drink, but leave him alone. For your sake, please.” She begged softly and then finished buttoning your dress. 

You nodded compliantly and you ran your hands down the front of your dress, smoothing it all down before turning around to face her. You smiled up at her and she pointed at a chair in the middle of the room. 

“Sit. I’ll fix up your hair and make you look a little less tired.” She said softly and you walked towards the chair. You sat down in it and you closed your eyes, a prickling becoming bothersome at the back of your throat. You swallowed it down and winced at the sharp pain sliding back down your throat. 

You just had to get through tonight. 

Genya stood behind you and she worked at your hair for a while until it was in simple waves. She then walked around to face you and she determinedly waved her hand over your face a few times slowly. After nearly fifteen minutes of this, she pulled away from you and handed you a hand mirror. 

“I did all that I could. How do you feel about it?” She asked. 

You glanced at yourself in the mirror and hummed. Though you still looked frail, you didn’t look nearly even half as bad as you had beforehand. You looked as if perhaps you hadn't slept in a few days but otherwise you seemed healthy. You looked up at her with a smile and you nodded, passing the mirror back to her. 

“Thank you. Truly, thank you.” You said softly and she gave you a sweet smile in return and kissed the top of your head. 

“I have to help the Queen get ready. Will you wait for me? I’ll come back and accompany you to the party.”

You looked over at her and gave her a little nod and stood up from the chair you sat in. You gave your friend a little hug and she hugged you back delicately, as if she was afraid you’d break. 

“Thank you. Really, Genya. For everything.”

“Don’t start talking like that. It almost sounds like goodbye and I won’t have it. I’ll see you in an hour or two.” She stated and then marched out of your room. 

Goodbye. You scoffed. You didn’t even want to think about goodbye yet. 

But of course now you were faced with the reality of it all. There was no obtainable cure to your ailment. The thought of it spread dread through your body like you’d never felt before and you felt even sicker than you ever had prior to today. 

A particular wave of nausea had you sprinting to the waste bin by your bed and you dropped to your knees and retched into it, your throat getting sliced up with an especially sharp slew of blood and thorns and a few battered petals. The door behind you opened and you heard a gasp from the doorway and wiped your face with the back of your hand before you turned around. 

Still on your knees, you looked up to see Aleksander’s personal favorite Healer, Emilia, standing in the doorway. The two of you stared at each other for a moment before she walked towards you and gently helped you to your feet. She looked over your shoulder into the wastebasket and then she looked up at your face, her mouth making a little ‘o’. She glanced back in the bin and then she shook her head. 

“Are those…?”

“Yes. They’re petals. Why are you here?” You asked and slowly sat down on the edge of your bed. 

“The Darkling sent me to check on you.” She whispered and then she placed her hand on your head, feeling your temperature. 

“Genya is doing a fine job on her own, thank you, Emilia.” You wheezed and then leaned your head into your hands. 

She stayed put for a moment and looked back and forth between you and your bloody, flowery vomit and then she gave you a tedious nod, “Yes, okay. I’m sorry to have intruded.“ she said quietly and you gave her only a small hum in response before she scuttled out of the room, retreating as if you were some feral dog, before you could even think to stop her. You would have certainly been wise to. 

You glanced at the door and felt a cold, sick dread fill your stomach. She was going to tell Aleksander. 

-

 You sat, slumped, in the chair by your fireplace and you closed your eyes, letting out labored breaths. Your chest had become impossibly tight and you sat in fear that Aleksander would burst in and berate you at any moment now. 

Your eyes filled with tears at the thought of just Aleksander and you wrapped your arms around yourself. It wasn’t like you couldn’t miss him. He was, at the end of the day, your best friend. Or at least, he had been. You didn’t really know where you stood with him now. 

Panic gripped your lungs when you heard hurried footsteps down the hallway and when the door swung open you winced. No yelling ensued and you turned around to see Genya standing in the doorway, gazing over at you with a little frown. 

“Are you sure you’re up to this?” She asked softly as she strode towards you. 

You simply gave her a little nod and you rose to your feet off of the chair and grabbed onto the hand she was now extending for you. She helped you steady yourself and she frowned once, pulling you into a gentle side hug. 

“Okay. The party has already started, I hope you don’t mind. There was a… choreographed display. Of shadow and light.” She explained slowly and then glanced down at you. You knew who she was talking about. Aleksander and Alina.

She gave you a sympathetic smile and you realized your face must have fallen, “I just figured you didn’t want to have to watch them.”

“No, I appreciate it. Thank you, Genya.” You said quietly and then nodded towards the door, “Let’s go. I don’t want to be out long tonight, I don’t think.” You murmured, a frown ever present on your face. 

She nodded just once and whisked you out of your room. The walk from the Little Palace to the Grand Palace was made in comfortable silence and you leaned your head against Genya’s shoulder. She wrapped her arm around your shoulders and gently patted your arm, and you let out a small sigh. As soon as the two of you walked inside of the Grand Palace, you instantly regretted coming to the fete. 

People were crowded around the hallway and spilled out from the room of the event, leaving you hardly any space to breathe. You wrapped both of your arms around Genya’s and you nearly buckled under the wave of nausea that crashed over you. 

Genya slowly pulled away from your side and she grabbed your hand and nodded towards the grand hall, “I’m going to go get a drink. Would you like one?” You nodded idly and she gave your hand a little squeeze, “Okay. Stay here. Don’t get around too many people.” She advised and you nodded again. 

She scurried off hurriedly down the hall and you looked down at your dress. You ran your fingers down the embroidered bodice and you let out a little sigh. You sorely regretted not staying in bed and you looked around at the other partygoers. Some were drunk, others were just boisterous. Most hid their sordidness underneath fine clothes and expensive perfumes. You looked down at your feet and felt guilty for making Genya drag you to the party and you turned to go find her. 

“Y/n!” 

You turned around to see Alina bustling towards you with two guards in tow behind her. You had to blink back the urge to cry when you saw her. She wore a black kefta with yellow and gold embroidery and her hair was done up beautifully. The nausea hit you harder and you held your hand over your stomach instinctively, giving her a terse smile. 

“Hello.” You breathed and leaned back up against the wall behind you. 

“You look beautiful.” She commented sweetly, “Feeling better?” She asked and you gave her a bleary nod. 

“Mhm, so much better.” You mumbled and sucked in a deep breath through your nose. A sharp feeling began to climb the back of your throat and you began to panic. 

“I’m glad to hear, you look so pretty. I’ve missed you readying me.” She admitted and then chuckled nervously. 

One of the guards leaned forward and mumbled something in her ear and she frowned, but nodded. 

“I have to get going. But please, come see me tomorrow.” She pleaded and you gave her a simple nod, your throat and chest beginning to ache and burn all the same. 

The guards urged her forward and everything began to sound as if you were underwater. You stared off absentmindedly after Alina and frowned deeply. Aleksander strode down the hall towards her and his eyes fell upon you. His stern expression seemed to falter a bit when he looked at you and you glanced down at the bundle of flowers he had in his hands. Your eyes filled with tears involuntarily and you watched as he stopped the guards that stood with Alina and he passed her the flowers before he locked eyes with you again. 

Your face burned with shame and sadness and your vision began to blur and shift and you pushed away from the wall dizzily, ignoring the muffled shouts of your name coming from his mouth. You shoved past a few people and gathered the skirts of your dress up in one hand and you rushed down the hallway. You stopped briefly a few times to steady yourself against the wall and you felt a sickening pressure at the back of your throat. You just had to make it back to your room. 

You carried on almost deliriously and you made your way into the nearly totally empty Little Palace. You bustled up the stairs with your hand over your mouth when a sharp cough ripped its way up your throat and you heaved forward, falling to your knees on the stairs as you coughed violently. Tears burned in your eyes and fell down your cheeks helplessly as you spewed the hot, metallic mixture of your blood and bile over your gloved hand. You crawled up the stairs weakly and you pushed yourself to your feet, leaving a bloody smear on the marble floor. You stumbled hurriedly down the hall to your room and you threw your door open as soon as you could. You fell to your knees again and let out a long, sad wail before you were coughing out thorns and petals all over the pristine skirt of your dress. 

The flowery vomit looked even worse tonight, and the blood mixed in with it was darker and there was much more of it. You coughed and heaved and choked on whatever was in your throat until an entire rose bloom came hurtling out of your mouth. You stared down at it shakily and reached out to touch it before you coughed again, much harder this time. Blood flew from your open mouth all over your carpet and your dress and your chin and you cried loudly, lowering yourself to the floor weakly. You reached up shakily to wipe your eyes with the back of your hand and you looked around at the bloody mess you had made and you whimpered. 

You thought about Aleksander again as you coughed more, your chest feeling as if it was going to collapse at any moment. You missed him.  You desperately wished it was you that he gave his affections to. You loved him. It became impossibly hard to breathe and you could see black spots dancing in your vision and you could swear you heard him calling out for you; Something so bittersweet that brought you so much comfort as you laid in a mess of your own blood and shredded flower petals. Your heart pounded against your chest and you could feel cold exhaustion climbing up around your mind. You could still hear his voice, closer now. You weren’t sure if you were ready to die, but at least you could try and make peace with it. You drew in a labored breath and then found yourself gasping in fear as you felt two hands grip your arms. 

You were yanked up against somebody and you slowly looked upwards to see Aleksander kneeling over you, holding you against his chest. 

“Say something, dammit!” He ordered, but his voice sounded far away. 

You tried to speak his name but your chest seemed to collapse in on itself and you turned your head to cough away from him, not wanting to get any blood on him. As soon as you finished coughing, he gripped your chin and turned your head towards his and he stared down at you wildly. 

“Y/n, I really, really need you to say something.” He pleaded and you weren’t sure if you were imagining the glint of unshed tears in his eyes or not. 

You let out another wail and you tried to push away from him, but his arms were like steel around you and you were too weak to even attempt to get away from him, so you resigned to crying in his arms. 

“Aleksander.” You wheezed and weakly grabbed onto the lapel of his kefta. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?” He demanded and cradled you gently against his chest. 

“You don’t care!” You cried, finding your very, very weak voice suddenly. 

“I do care!” 

“You don’t! You just care about Alina, you want Alina, you need Alina, you’re in love with Alina. You don’t care, and I don’t expect you to. Why should you? It’s my own miserable fault for falling in love with you.” You sobbed and felt as if you were going to vomit again. 

Aleksander didn’t say a single word. Instead, he leaned down until his forehead was touching yours and he nudged his nose against yours just slightly. You fought to get away from him, but he didn’t allow you to move. He shushed you softly as you cried and attempted to get as far away from him as possible and you sobbed, grabbing at his wrists.

“Stop! Please just leave me alone! I can’t take this.” You cried and hit his chest, but he still didn’t move. 

Tears rolled down your cheeks and you sniffled and eventually stopped trying to get away from him. He seemed to want to make it hard for you until your bitter end. One of his hands was gently moving through your hair as it had many nights ago and you whimpered, a sound that broke his heart. 

“I care. More than you know, little love.” He murmured and kept his forehead pressed against yours, “You think I don’t care? How could I not? You are so special to me.”

You cried and subconsciously leaned into his touch as he ran his fingers through your hair. 

“Please stop.” You begged. You wanted to cover your ears. 

“Stop what? Do you not want to hear how I care? How I feel ashamed of myself for making you feel as if I don’t? Do you not want to hear about how in love with you I am?” He asked in a whisper and you froze. His hand continued to sweep through your hair and you let out a loud cry and struggled against his arms as he lifted his forehead away from yours. 

“You’re lying.” You sobbed and brought your hands up to your face as you cried into them. 

“I’d never lie to you about something like this.” He insisted softly. 

“You are lying.” 

“How can you accuse me of that?” He asked, his tone incredulous. 

“Because I’m dying! I’m dying and you know it’s what I want to hear!” You argued, but you let your head fall against his chest nonetheless. 

“I don’t lie. I’ve never lied to you. Saints, you’re inconsolable. I have my own reasons for getting close to Alina, but none of them are even close to being because I’m in love with her. No, my love is saved for you and you alone.” He murmured, “I have loved you for years. Ages. For so long, hoping and praying that perhaps you’d see me in the same light one day. I never wished for it to be like this.” He finished, voice breaking just slightly at the end. 

You felt the tightness in your chest ease up just a little bit and you pulled your head away from his chest so that you could look up at him, only to find him already gazing down at you. You studied his face for any sign that he might be lying to you and when you found none you leaned your head against the side of his arm. You weakly nuzzled your cheek against it and you could hear him let out a long sigh. 

“Are you going to tell me what is wrong with you? Or are you just going to leave that to my Healer relaying information to me?” He asked and you shrugged once, more pressure leaving your chest. 

You let out a pathetic sounding sigh and you clung to him as if someone was going to take him from you and you quietly began to explain your condition to him, leaving little to nothing out. When you finished, the silence around the two of you was painful and you looked up at his face. He seemed angry and he seemed as if he was going to cry, but he looked down and met your eyes, and everything on his face melted into sadness. 

“I did this to you?” He asked quietly and you shook your head. 

“You couldn’t possibly have known. I mean, I didn’t. None of us did until Genya found it in a book.” You murmured and he gathered you entirely against his chest. 

“I’m so, so sorry.” He breathed, his voice practically trembling. 

“No, please. Don’t be sorry. It’s okay, everything is okay now.” You said hoarsely and he shook his head once but didn’t argue further. 

He stayed quiet for a moment before he sniffled and then slowly rose to his feet, pulling you with him, “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? And then you can lay in my room.” He suggested quietly. 

“Okay.” You whispered, leaning against him entirely.

-

You sat in Aleksander’s bed an hour or two later, wrapped in a few thick blankets. You watched him scurry around his room as he tried to ready himself for bed and you smiled affectionately. After a moment he turned to you and let out a small sigh.

“What are you smiling at? You should be sleeping.” 

“Can’t. Not without you.” You murmured and he blew out a few candles in the room before he came and crawled into bed next to you, his arms snaking around your waist. He tugged you against his chest protectively and he let out a long sigh. 

Your damp hair was splayed out over the pillow behind your head and you pushed it away from him, clearing a little space for his head on your pillow. He took the hint and scooted his face closer to yours and he nudged his nose against yours a few times. 

“You looked so beautiful tonight. In the hallway. In your pretty dress. I think pink might be your color now.” He said sweetly and you shook your head, leaning in to peck his lips a few times. 

He took the opportunity to capture your lips in a deep, long kiss and finally when the two of you were properly breathless, you pulled away and shook your head. 

“Forget pink. Black looks nicer on me, anyway .”

[starkskeep]

When the Dragon Howls (7)

When the Dragon Howls Chapter Seven

Characters - Cregan Stark x OC (Maera Velaryon), Aegon II Targaryen, Aemond Targaryen

Summary - Maera Velaryon feels consumed by the obsessive clutches of her uncles. A wolf from Winterfell could potentially be the one strong enough to confront the dragons.

Word Count - 2,423 words

Warnings - Typical Targaryen relationships, threats of violence, brief mention of suicidal thought, Aemond being gaslit to hell, Viserys finally grows a pair

A/N - Here is the next chapter! I can't believe the love that this series has gotten already. It is the first I have ever written and I never would have thought that it would appeal to or even reach the number of readers it has already. Enjoy!

Previous Part

It was not long after Maera retired to her chambers when frantic knocking on her door woke her up. A maid rushed into the room, bringing a cloud of nervous energy with her. “My lady, the King requests you in the throne room.” 

Maera was worried. There was no reason for her grandsire to summon her to the throne room unless someone had seen her and Cregan in the gardens. Anxiously chewing on her lip, Maera gets out of bed to grab a dressing gown. Viserys is normally a calm and reasonable man but he is still the king and she and Cregan are his subjects. If he felt that Cregan had disrespected House Targaryen, the man that Maera has quickly grown fond of could be put to the sword. Maera herself could be sent away in order to cover up the shame she brought upon her family. 

Not wanting to delay the inevitable any longer, Maera follows the maid out of her chambers. They move quickly through the halls and she can feel the maid shooting her confused and fearful glances every couple of steps. “Were you told the reason I am being brought before my grandsire?” Maera asks. She’s amazed that she can even form words when it feels as if her heart is caught in her throat. 

“No, my lady. I was only told to bring you immediately. The Queen, Prince Aemond, and the Lord Hand were in the throne room when I left. A couple servants were sent out with me but I do not know where they were going.”

The maid’s words cause Maera’s blood to freeze in her veins. She forces her feet to keep moving but all she wants to do is collapse in on herself. Having just one of those people in the room with her when she is having an audience with the King is cause for her to worry but having all three makes Maera want to run away, possibly as far as Pentos. This was it. This was going to be Aemond taking her for himself. No matter how much Viserys favors her and her mother, it would be no use once Aemond makes a bid for her hand. The last steps to the throne room feel as if she is walking to the executioner’s block. The creaking of the doors as they swing open sounds like a funeral march. 

As she entered the hall, Maera could see her grandsire standing at the foot of the Iron Throne. On one side, the Queen is joined by Aegon, Aemond, and Otto Hightower. On the other side, her mother stands with Daemon. To Maera’s sickening shock but with no surprise, Cregan is standing near her mother. The tension in the air is so thick that it is practically pushing down on her shoulders. She makes eye contact with her mother, silently begging her to explain what is happening. 

Rhaenyra squares her shoulders and lifts her chin haughtily as she faces Viserys. “Father. What is the issue? Why have we been dragged from our chambers? Surely no matter is so vital that it could not wait until the morning.”

As her mother speaks, Maera walks closer to where she is standing. As she passes by Cregan, her hand reaches out that theirs may brush. The princess does not meet her wolf’s eyes. Still unsure of the reason for being called, she does not want to put him at risk for any punishment. Aemond has been staring at her from the moment she entered the hall. It would be unwise to rile him any more than he has already been. Maera would bet her last gold coin that Aemond is the reason for this show. 

Daemon motions for Maera to stand beside him. He takes her arm and adjusts his stance to partly shield her from the stares of the Greens. A man of many flaws, Daemon would still lay down his life for her.

Viserys clears his throat. Though king he may be, the man has never thrived with confrontation. Daemon fought his battles for him but now he must be the mediator once again between the two factions of his family. “Alicent wished that we all meet here right away. She insisted that it could not wait.” Viserys turns to the side that his wife stands on. Being caught once again in the middle of his wife and his daughter makes him feel uneasy. He has ignored the glares that Alicent and Rhaenyra send each other, the barbs they sling at each other in the hopes of an eventual reconciliation. “Alicent, my wife, please tell us exactly why this could not wait until we were all rested. You gave me no details yet I still brought everyone here. Do not make us wait.”

Alicent steps forward. Maera has never liked the Queen. Not hating the wife of her grandsire, but not wanting to spend time with her either. Alicent had always tried to keep Maera and Helaena separated even though the girls were of a similar age and could have been friends. Maera also can’t forget nor forgive that Alicent refused the marriage between Jace and Helaena. It was an insult to her mother. Regardless, she forces herself to watch and listen as the woman clad in a green gown speaks. “The rumors circulating around Princess Rhaenyra’s daughter have been brought to my attention. There have been salacious words thrown against Princess Maera’s reputation. I am concerned for the princess’s honor. It involves Lord Stark. I am sure he will want to put the rumors to rest as well. Being linked to a princess, even by gossip, could hinder his chance to find a wife.” The Queen’s eye seems to twitch as she speaks of Cregan.

Daemon scoffs. “You brought us here in the middle of the night to share petty rumors from the court ladies. Have you nothing better to do?”

Rhaenyra agrees with Daemon. “Are we truly going to do this again, Alicent? You are going to make claims against my daughter’s virtue just like you did against mine? Do you even have proof of this or is it more of your father’s spies?” Maera’s mother is incredulous as she questions her former friend.

Otto slithers out from where he had been observing. “Princess Rhaenyra. Prince Aemond was the one who brought this to Alicent’s attention. He is concerned for Princess Maera’s safety and her reputation. Such a close relationship and the message it sends can ruin the reputation of a young woman. You of all people should know this. Rumors have followed you for many years. The boy is concerned for his dearest niece. Prince Daemon may be able to give you insight into Aemond’s feelings. I’m sure he has felt the same many a time before.” The words send a shiver down Maera’s spine. This is what she feared. Otto has a way of twisting the King’s mind so that decisions are made that benefit the Hightowers.

Arguments break out between Alicent and Otto and Rhaenyra and Daemon. Maera is frozen where she stands. This could be it. This could be the moment when she is forced to marry Aemond. She could lose Cregan before she even had a chance to be courted by him. Maera can see it now. A life being tortured as Aemond’s bride until she finds enough courage to throw herself from the window of her chambers. She would surely be kept from her mother and brothers. Aemond would use her as he sees fit. Maera would be his property until her death. Her uncle would no doubt find a way to kill Cregan, likely forcing Maera to watch. Her attention is pulled away from her impending doom by the booming voice of her grandsire, a tone she had never heard the King use before.

“Quiet! Everyone cease arguing at once! I refuse to believe that this is the second time someone has questioned the virtue of my heirs. I cannot allow it to stand.” Viserys is seething. His eyes roam across everyone’s face. He had been able to silence them all. The King motions to Aemond. “Aemond! You are the one who brought this forward to your mother and grandfather instead of coming straight to me. That is a coward’s choice. Tell us why you believe Maera’s virtue to have been compromised by Cregan Stark. He is from a noble house known for its honor. You are actually going to be so bold as to accuse him of what we all know you speak of?” Aemond seems to have been shocked into silence by Viserys’s sudden ferocity. “What are you waiting for, boy? Your father, your KING, commands you to speak at once!” Maera’s grandsire practically roars, finally resembling the blood that runs through him. 

Maera watches as Aemond approaches the King. She can’t believe that he is brave enough to face him after that display. A man who treated her like the day in the Godswood or the evening of the family dinner is not someone she would describe as such. His eye glides over her body and amusement causes him to smirk slightly before turning serious again.

“My king, Father, I witnessed Lord Stark taking certain liberties with Princess Maera in the gardens during tonight’s feast. The two had snuck away after dancing together. Concerned for her safety, I followed them and watched from behind the bushes. Lord Stark compromised Maera.” Aemond’s voice is stoic, revealing nothing, but his eye reveals how he is practically giddy at the opportunity presented to him.

Rhaenyra looks as if she is about to throw herself at Aemond and steal his good eye. “That is slander! My daughter did nothing of the such. If she was in the gardens with Lord Stark, it was because I allowed them to go on a stroll together you have no proof of the claims you levy against my family. Just as you did when you called my sons bastards. Tell me Aemond, is this another scheme concocted by your mother and grandfather? I will not stand for this.” She sneers at her half-brother before turning back to her father. “Father, Prince Aemond has been chasing after Maera for years. He has become obsessive. This is a ploy to force your hand in betrothing her to him. He has to provide proof, otherwise, this is treason.”

The King contemplates what he just heard. He knew nothing of the actions of Aemond. Unable to make a decision from his words alone, Viserys calls out Cregan Stark. “Lord Stark. You share half of the burden of these claims. What do you have to say about this?”

There is some blustering from the side of the room where the Greens stand but Cregan ignores it. They are nothing more than the chickens that rile themselves up in order to make themselves seem more intimidating. “Your grace, I would never defile a lady in the manner that has been described tonight, much less Princess Maera. I did dance with her and we did share a stroll in the gardens but that is all.” 

Viserys seems satisfied with his answer but still turns to Maera. “And you? Do you agree with the events that Lord Stark has described? He has not hurt you in any way? He has not compromised your virtue or taken any liberties with you?”

Maera breathes a sigh of relief. If her grandsire is asking her and Cregan about the rumors, he will surely believe them when they say that nothing has happened. “No, Grandsire, nothing untoward happened between Lord Cregan and I. He would never do anything like that to me. I trust him.”

Viserys gives his granddaughter a reassuring smile before turning back to Aemond. “Those whose actions are being questioned both deny the rumors. My granddaughter would never behave in such a manner. I will give you one more chance to produce proof, but only because you are my son.”

“Husband, Aemond told me that Aegon was in the garden as well. Question him. I’m sure that he will support his brother’s claims. After all, the two in question have more of a reason to lie about it than anyone else.” Alicent says as she comes to place her hands on Aemond’s arm.

In a mirroring of the events that occurred at Driftmark many years ago, all eyes turn to Aegon. The prince is once again drunk yet seems in control of his mind. Viserys speaks, “Aegon, tell me, did you see Lord Stark and Maera engaged in actions that would have dishonored our house.”

Aegon denies that he had seen them but is quickly interrupted by Aemond. “You were right next to me! If you did not see them, it is because you are too drunk to function properly.”

“Drunk I may be, but nothing would be strong enough to cloud the memory of seeing my niece be pleasured by the Northern Savage. I can assure you. A scene like that would be forever seared into my memory.” Aegon relishes the horrified stare coming from Rhaenyra and the looks of betrayal from his mother and brother. He continues anyways. “I only remember seeing Lord Stark escorting Maera on a stroll through the gardens and then returning to the hall. A pity. I would have taken advantage of the privacy if I was them.” He sends a wink to Maera from across the hall.

Rhaenyra speaks up. “Despite the crude nature in his response, even Aegon does not support Aemond’s slanderous claims against my daughter. This is treason. Something must be done. It is obvious that your Hand has not learned his lesson from the first time he tried this against me.” She stares down Otto as she speaks.

Viserys joins in the visual intimidation of Otto Hightower. He steps towards the man and rips the pin of the Hand from his chest. “Ser Otto. You are once again removed from the position of Hand of the King. This time, however, you will not be coming back. I permanently ban you from King’s Landing and you are to be sent to the Wall. There will be no communication from you to Alicent or any of my children. Consider yourself lucky that I am not having you executed.” He turns to face where Alicent and Aemond are standing. “We will discuss your punishment tomorrow. I am sick of hearing this tonight. Everyone is dismissed.”

A/N - Next chapter will have more Cregan/Maera content. I wanted to write this chapter because I intend to alter the Dance of the Dragons and needed Otto out of the way.

[brinkle-brackle]

family

(a/n: SURPRISE FIC!!!!!!!! I wrote this prose poem thingy for a class writing exercise last semester and I'm very proud of it, and I wanted to put something out for bttf day so here it is now :) I hope yall enjoy it!!)

- - - - -

I have a father. A father who I am unsure if I will ever truly know in any real way. His eyes have been fixed to the television every night for as long as I can remember. He blinks in tandem with the static. He is wired, he laughs along with the laugh track. He is wired to cringe and cower beneath and stutter and laugh and laugh and laugh. His laugh, what a shaky, unsure laugh. He laughs and nods and laughs, full of fear. "Yes, sir, of course, sir, I know, sir-- hah, ouch-- yes, sir, I know, sir. You can- can count on me, sir." I ask him why he does what he does. He tells me he can do nothing else.

I have a mother, although I wonder if I ever truly had a mother. I wonder if this was something that developed as I grew up. Maybe it is just that I cannot remember her for who she used to be, or maybe she has always been like this. So jaded, so distant. A haze lies over her eyes, they are glass. Every evening they become glass. Tonight she is two vodkas in.

I have a brother who does not take his life as seriously as he should. Ever since graduating he has sat in the same place, flipping and frying. He does not like effort. He tells me that he is content as he is. A lazy smile, the stench of grease lingering from the spot he stands in even long after he has left. It is everywhere in his room. It creeps out in the wash and corrupts the rest of our clothes and bedsheets. He is turning gray before my eyes. Any longer, and I fear he will become a stone.

I have a sister, and she is miserable. Wanting and yearning, yet stifled. Aware, though. She is aware of what our parents have and what they do not have, and what they do not have she wants for herself. Her heart calls out. It tires of living in such a perpetual state of stillness, it wants to beat. A companion. A dinner for two, caring not if it will work out, just to try. That is what she wants: to try.

I have a family, and they are not you.

I have a girlfriend and she is my world. She is the sun when the clouds get thick and the clouds when the sun gets hot. She is musical laughter and stolen kisses before algebra class. She is planned-out road trips and a walk hand in hand through the town square. She is off-key, loudly-sung ABBA under the stars after leaving the cinema. She is a ride through the neighborhood, a skateboard date to 7-Eleven at twilight. She has been in the front row of every gig I have ever done (exactly two). She sings along when I practice my guitar-- not loudly, not off-key-- but just right. From her heart. She is solace.

She is everything to me, but not in the same way you are.

I sit down at the dinner table. My brother eats, but my sister prefers talking over chewing. I do not blame her, I am not hungry either. My fork becomes a rake on my plate with its slow and languid movements. Our mother speaks of her brother who will be visiting tomorrow. My sister makes a snarky comment, a blunt knife shot from between her teeth. Our mother just laughs, and it is the closest thing to genuinity I have heard from her in a long time, although it is not quite there. She calls out to our father. He does not answer, he has wired himself up to the television the way he does every night. Our mother waits, but he does not answer. He laughs along with the laugh track.

I have a father, and he is not you.

Stomach turning, I retreat to my room for the evening. I play my guitar until I hear my sister snap through the wall for me to quiet down. I prop my guitar against the wall and dial on my landline, and it rings one, two times before you answer. You greet me with warmth in your voice, you ask me how my day was. I tell you. You ask me about algebra, and I make a strange noise. You help me with my homework, we are on the phone for hours as numbers clash and meld together in my mind's eye. It is late now, and you can hear the tiredness in my voice. The math book is long gone, but we are still talking, although there are more pauses in our voices. Tomorrow is my audition, I say. You know, you remember. Come by my garage in the morning before school, you tell me-- I made something for you that might help you out with practicing. You can play without having to worry about waking your family up.

I have a father, and he is not you. But he does not ask me about my day with genuine interest. He does not help me with my algebra homework. He does not tell me his dreams and aspirations, and he does not encourage mine with equal enthusiasm. He does not give me pep talks. He does not get Burger King and offer to watch cheesy older movies with me when I have had a bad day. He does not put his heart into everything he does and include me in all of it. He does not stay on the line with me until I fall asleep, smile on my face and phone resting limply in my hand.

I am not in his world and he is not in mine. But you and I, we are engrained, woven into each others'.

I have a father, and he is not you. But family is not always the thing written in one's blood.

[aalghul]

Okay, I’ve been emboldened by your recent assertion that you don’t bite and differences in opinions are okay. I also have a genuine question for you. Mine is re: Roy and Jason. It is my understanding that pre new 52 Roy fell in love with and made a baby with a literal assassin. I’ve seen so many references from Roy fans that given Roy’s pre new 52 characterization, he could/would never become friends with Red Hood Jason. I am unable to square the circle of that reasoning in my mind, given his history with Jade/Chesire. If you were interested on espousing on this topic, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Roy and Jade's relationship never lasted in the end (despite how desperately they've loved each other) because she would not give up that life and he could not compromise on someone that close to him killing. Roy is more than willing of working with and even understanding people who use lethal force (I think I've mentioned a few times that him teaming up with Jason temporarily would work for that reason), but he can't be heavily involved with that person long term, in any way. He's an incredibly flexible character when it comes to the types of people he can get along with, and he has more love and understanding in his heart than most. But Roy draws a line for himself. He couldn't even stay in the outsiders long term because he belongs where the traditional heroes are. You can see where the difficulty is in trying to make Jason and Roy best friends, or even in carrying out a team-up as long term as RHATO.

Separate from the morality conflict, Roy also has a specific dynamic with many people younger than him that I think we forget to take into account. His interactions with people noticeably younger than him (while he was in his mid-late 20s) generally seem to follow him trying to be a leader and guiding figure, with the younger person learning from him. His friendships with those people is rarely ever the same as the friendship he has with people his own age. Jason's ~7 years younger than Roy, and is around 19-21 in the years after UTRH. That would make 26-28. Roy's experienced fatherhood at this point, he had relationships and ups and downs and established a place for himself in the hero community. Jason is a teenager who's really only just now realizing there's a life ahead of him. Any dynamic they have will need to take all of that into account. This is a huge part of why they don't work as each other's best friends.

I know you didn't ask for that last bit, but I was thinking about it a while ago and I don't think we talk about it enough. It's just as much of an issue with Roy and Jason being best friends, or anything along that line, as morality is.

If you see more aggressive assertions about how Roy would hate Jason, then that's probably frustration more than anything. Roy's entire character has been replaced by for the sake of Jason and Roy's RHATO dynamic. It's not surprising that anger makes people exaggerate or believe that because they're so personally sick of seeing it. I understand that and honestly, if Roy was my favourite character, I'd never want to hear about Jason near him either lol

[thiefking]

i need to draw/speak more of my narutos. "my narutos" meaning specifically the versions of every character that exist in my head, of course. i wanna draw hinata and gaara (besties of all time) especially. because other than the fact that they have the most fully realized design changes in my head, they are perhaps the defining aspect of My narutos, as opposed to everyone else's. their friendship to me is like "ok i'm going out...! (wearing some extremely Please Don't Look At Me outfit)" "not dressed like that you're not." "better? (she is now gothed the fuck out with an invader zim handbag)" "yas bitch slay." this is how they work. to me

i want to draw Literally Exactly That what i just described there as a meme but i do also kind of want to write or draw sometjing more substantial because i am The Hinata And Gaara Understander. as individual characters and as a pair of besties. amd i need to explain to others why it makes perfect sense because i just Know that i am one of extremely few to look at these two, of all characters, and deduce that the character arc hinata SHOULD have had is one that would be so obvious to gaara & something he would encourage. or maybe the only one, but the fandom is/was so big that it feels statistically unlikely... if we're talking CURRENT fandom i may actually be uniquely insane about this. i don't know for sure i haven't really interacted with the fandom i've been fucking around in my own skull this whole time that's how i even arrived at "hinagaara bffs" in the first place

but like... listen. hinata's thing is basically (in an inconsistent, half-baked, and never fully realized form): "i can change to improve myself and finally meet everyone else's standards and prove them wrong...!" as she is trying to emulate naruto. ... "prove them wrong", but she is not subverting anything if she meets an expectation that was explicitly set. hinata is not naruto. naruto's expectations were that he is worthless and nothing and not worth having any expectations for in the first place, and basically all of konoha thought this way. if naruto accomplishes basically anything at all he proves someone wrong, even if just a little. hinata had expectations set on her, specifically by her family, that she is not meeting. even though what hinata WANTS to do is prove them wrong, what she is fundamentally DOING is trying to please them by doing exactly what they want her to do. yes, when they think she won't even meet their lowest expectation and she does meet it, she is TECHNICALLY proving them wrong... but she isn't really achieving meaningful personal growth by doing this, is she? all she has done is meet their standards and essentially fall into their evil ghoul trap and accept EVEN MORE PRESSURE as a "reward" because now that she finally met this one single goal, they can move the goalpost. she will only ever be the failure who occasionally surprises them, she will always be lagging behind the others, and every single time she fails she gets sent back to square 1 in their eyes. meeting all their expectations or even surpassing them entirely is always going to feel hollow and fragile, because in the back of her mind, if she slips even once she has to do it all over again. she deserves better than constant paranoia

gaara (and pretty specifically gaara) can rightfully point out the problem with hinata's current mindset because hinata's hardships are way closer to GAARA'S than naruto's, to be honest. it's not lacking a family; it's having a family that doesn't feel like a family, and that family isolating one child and encouraging the others to treat them like shit so that one child never has anyone on their own level when they're at home and they are constantly forced to be aware they lack some ambiguous something that seemingly everyone else has that would make them "worthy" of being loved by their own family

hold on let me put yhe rest under a readmore this post is long as fuck

the hyuugas treat hinata like shit and call her weak, and because her parents gladly and openly call her weak and because she's supposed to be heiress to the clan, her sister and neji (the only family who were close enough in age and rank to not intimidate) were made to hate her, think she is weak, be jealous of and resent her for being heiress despite her weakness, and treat her like shit like the other hyuugas do, thus completely isolating her within her family. and rasa treated gaara like shit and had given up on him LONG before he snapped (let's be fucking real here if gaara had to learn that "love" makes emotional pain feel better at age SIX... and not to mention the entire yashamaru """plan""" was utterly and blatantly fucking NONSENSE on all levels like nice going rasa you just turned your kid almost irreversibly insane... seemingly on purpose...? i can only assume it was on purpose and you just wanted to be a spiteful bitch to the kid who killed your wife because literally what else did you think was going to happen with that but that's a rant for another time.), he tacitly encouraged temari and kankuro to not even bother with gaara and to be afraid of him like everyone else is because RASA was also OBVIOUSLY SCARED and not only that he was constantly literally trying to murder gaara so temari and kankuro also had reason to believe from a very young age that associating with him might make rasa treat THEM like that too, essentially forced gaara to straight up kill his uncle who was the ONLY family member he had who talks to him like he isn't a monster (and inexplicably decided that he should also tell gaara outright that he is not and was never loved by anyone), etc etc etc; gaara was also isolated within his own family and made to be the odd one out, over and over again. naruto knows what it's like not having a family at all, but he never experienced having family— non-metaphorical, blood relation, "entire reason you were born" family— who hates you. naruto knows how it feels to be neglected and feared by an entire village, that's how he relates to gaara. hinata was hated by her own family, the people she depended on for life itself, but she was never hated by the village at large, even if she perceives herself to be. naruto can empathize with this and put himself in her shoes, but like... gaara KNOWS, firsthand, what hinata is experiencing. that is why gaara is fairly uniquely capable of pointing out the problem Very Directly because he would see it way faster than anyone else

naruto could see it too, and he could say all the same things, but he wouldn't do it how gaara would. and i think hinata needs to hear someone speak to her, bluntly and authoritatively, and say "you deserve better than this." because normally whenever she hears someone (her own family) speak to her bluntly in an authoritative tone they're telling her she's weak and pathetic and subpar and needs to improve, and every time she is spoken to like that she believes them and marks that weakness off as something to fix. hearing incredibly matter-of-fact validation and encouragement spoken the exact same way primes her to believe that encouragement, and now her compulsive need to please people who speak to her that way is going to force her, even fleetingly, to take it seriously. especially because gaara would tell her something she is doing wrong, which will feel familiar, but he actually has HER best interests in mind. there is no benefit or advantage for him if she succeeds. he is unaffiliated, not even from konoha, he gains nothing from it. gaara doesn't tell her to try harder nor to give up and accept mediocrity. gaara tells her it's okay to give up and try something else, and sometimes it's the people around you who are the ones who need to change, not you.

gaara looks at "i will change myself to prove myself to others", and he says instead: "you need to stop caring what other people think about you and stop morphing yourself to their perception. just because YOU aren't doing that in a 'if you all want to call me a monster then fine, i'll be a monster' kind of way, like i did, that doesn't mean that isn't still an unhealthy way to think. you should figure out who YOU are and live as who YOU are, unapologetically, until they get the point that they can either accept you as you are and realize they were wrong, or they can fuck off. this is a situation where it is Not Your Fucking Problem that other people are disappointed with you especially because of how hard you've already been working to try and meet their arbitrary standards. this isn't about talent or hard work. this is about whether you even Want to be doing what everyone else wants you to do. and it is difficult and terrifying and lonely to be the only person who knows who you really are. it is hard work to figure it out and it is hard work to convince others, and at times it will feel hopeless. so i won't let you be the alone. i won't let you have to try and fail all alone, like i did. i will be your first victory, i will give you listening ears, i will be your silent dressing room mirror while you try on different hats before you figure out which one fits, i will be here and i will not judge you or decide on your behalf who you are, and i will be your family if no one else will. literally. if they cast you out you can come home to me. temari and kankuro have already accepted me as i am, i'm sure they'll accept you as you are too"

and then with time and gentle coaxing hinata decides to stop trying to be what her family wanted her to be and starts being a goth weirdgirl and pursues her interests in mycology and psychology and entomology and starts fucking THRIVING

i could go on forever. i should stop now or i never will. some of the parallels between them or the reasons that gaara would specifically want to support her in the specific ways i envision came about entirely from headcanon (coughs. even more headcanon than... the rest of this... coughs) and i FORGET that it's headcanon. for example "gaara created his good reputation in sunagakure through brute force good deeds. like people were so scared of him that they wouldn't let him CASUALLY prove that he was trying to be better, so he basically had to scare them even more just to prove that he was no longer scary. things like using his sand to hold people in place... so that he can physically put money into their hands and say 'this is yours and you will take it and use it to pay rent and buy your child that toy he wants. i do not want anytjing in return and i will be leaving you alone now.' because otherwise people would run away before he even gets the chance to be nice. literally just has to hold them still and pointedly do something nice for them and then let them go without hurting them while they tremble in misplaced terror like he;s a wildlife vet wrangling an injured seagull". this is part of why he would say "be unapologetically you and they can accept that and realize they were wrong about you to begin with, or they can fuck off". NONE OF THAT is explicitly canon... but there is so much & it makes perfect sense to me. aauuugaghh hinata my hinata my hinagaara besties my hinata. i could go on and on and on and on. goddammit I WILL GIVE HER THE CHARACTER ARC SHE NEEDS & DESERVES... GIVE HER TO ME KISHIMOTO.... WHAT IF THE FACT THAT HINATA HAS 3 PERSONALITY TRAITS IN CANON ACTUALLY MEANT SOMETHING AND WASN'T JUST BECAUSE YOU, MASASHI KISHIMOTO, SELF-ADMITTEDLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WRITE WOMEN? WOULDN'T THAT BE SO MUCH LESS EMBARRASSING FOR YOU? I CAN MAKE IT REAL! I CAN MAKE IT MEANINGFUL!!!! I CAN MAKE IT ABOUT REPRESSION!!!! I CAN MAKE IT ABOUT WORKING HARD TO BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE, AND SAYING "SCREW YOU" TO PEOPLE WHO TRY AND DECIDE WHO YOU ARE ON YOUR BEHALF, AND THE REJECTION OF THE STATUS QUO, AND EMBRACING THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU DIFFERENT AND MAKING USE WHAT UNIQUE STRENGTHS YOU HAVE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO MATCH WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING, AND HOW HUMAN LIVES ARE INHERENTLY VALUABLE EVEN IF EVERYONE AROUND YOU SAYS YOURS IS WORTH NOTHING!!! JUST LIKE WHAT NARUTO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! I CAN EVEN SPICE IT UP A BIT AND USE MY MAGICAL WOMAN-UNDERSTANDING POWERS TO MAKE IT ABOUT HOW WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY JUST REGULAR PEOPLE WHO ARE AS VARIED AS MEN AND HOW THE SOCIETAL CONCEPTS OF WOMANHOOD AND PROPER WOMANLY BEHAVIOUR ARE RESTRICTIVE AND OPPRESSIVE, AND THE MANY WAYS THAT SOCIETY WILL FORCE TOTAL CONFORMITY AND PUNISH EVERYONE WHO STEPS OUTSIDE OF THAT FRAME (AND EVEN THOSE WHO REMAIN WITHIN)!!! I CAN MAKE IT ABOUT COMPULSORY HETEROSEXUALITY!!!! I KNOW YOU'RE AFRAID OF GIRLS MR KISHIMOTO WILL IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER IF I ALSO MAKE IT ABOUT NEJI WATCHING HINATA COMPLETELY REJECT HER CAGE AND DISCOVER HERSELF AND HOW HE FEELS ABOUT IT AND MAYBE JUST COVER YOUR EARS WHEN I START TALKING ABOUT EGGS!!!!!! MR KISHIMOTOOOOOO PLEEEEEEEASE

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Aspec Adrien

I was asked to elaborate on why I view (and always write) Adrien as some flavor of aspec (asexual spectrum) and I am happy to do so! It's part of what drew me to the character in the first place as I am also aspec. This does mean that my read is going to be biased as we tend to treat ourselves as the default, meaning that we're inclined to see similarities that may not be intentional. In fact, I don't think Adrien was intended to be aspec, a topic I'll touch on more at the end. First, let's talk about why I read him as aspec.

There are certain elements that feel more like "vibes" than hard evidence. Things like the fact that Adrien developed his crush after getting to know Ladybug instead of just immediately liking her because she's cute. That's not a uniquely aspec experience. It happens to those who identify as allosexuals too. In fact, I read Marinette as allosexual even though her crush on Adrien also only came about after getting to know him a bit.

The thing that really makes me feel like Adrien is out of character when he's is written as non-aspec is the way the love square's secondary romantic relationships have been handled as well as the writing around their main crushes.

Marinette has several crushes over the course of the show: Luka, Catwalker, Adrien, and Chat Noir. Yes, three of those are the same guy, but she doesn't know that, so we're treating them as separate characters. The Luka and Catwalker crushes are the main ones I want to talk about.

When Marinette meets Luka, we get this:

Anarka: ...could you go and tell Luka that we're waiting for him to start rehearsals? Marinette: Of course. Uh, but who's Luka? And where is he? Anarka: Luka's my son, you'll find him in his cabin. Scene: Below deck in Luka's cabin Marinette: (sees Luka) Uh! (Luka looks up at her) Hey, my name's Ma-ma uh Mamamarinette! Your mom sent me down here. The groove...uh... the group's waiting for you.

In this scene, Marinette starts stuttering and blushing before Luka even says a word. And when Marinette is joined by Catwalker in season four? She's so distracted by this cute new boy that she can't fight properly. Which was a weird choice, but it's what happened so let's run with it.

These are foreign concepts to me. I have never been nervous around a cute boy because - for me - cute is an ascetic thing, not an element of attraction. Before I learned about the ace spectrum, I legitimately thought this sort of thing was something made up by Hollywood as a lazy shortcut for writing romances. This is why I say Marinette reads as allosexual and why Adrien feels distinctly aspec because the writing around him and Kagami could not be more different.

Their first interaction is a fencing match, leading to an akumatization, leading to this:

Adrien: I personally think the point was yours. Kagami: That's not what your friend saw. Adrien: Marinette can get flustered easily. She's kind and means well. She'd never cheat. Today was her first-ever experience with fencing. Kagami:(she looks surprised for a moment, then smiles.) You like her a lot, huh? Adrien: Marinette? Yeah, of course! She's a very good friend, and you'll really like her too, once you get to know her.

There's no blushing or flirting or any of the things that characterize Adrien's behavior when he's in love. This trend continues through all of the Adrigami sub plot. It never feels like he's actually into her even when they're dating. His heart remains fixed on Ladybug who still receives lots of flirting and pet names even though he's off the market. It really reads like he's only dating Kagami out of a want to be loved and not because he actually feels anything for her.

To be clear, he was in the wrong there. He should never have agreed to date Kagami if he wasn't willing to fully commit to their relationship, but I also can't ignore what this implies about his sexuality given that Marinette is such a stark contrast. While I think the writer's actual intent was more, "oh, Adrien was only ever destined for Marinette" or some other BS, the fact that the same cannot be said for Marinette means that this comes across as a difference in sexuality. Marinette can easily crush on people based on pure physical attraction while Adrien either doesn't experience physical attraction or he only experiences it under heavily limited circumstances, two options that are highly characteristic of aspec people.

If Marinette and Adrien were only able to crush on each other, then I wouldn't read into this so much. It would just be your standard romance plot as a lot of romance-focused media avoids complications like love triangles once an endgame couple has been chosen. But that's not what the show gives us. Marinette crushes on many people practically at the drop of a hat while Adrien has a much harder time falling in love. But once he is in love? He's all in! Ride or die!

This was probably done to subvert the gendered stereotype that boys are the thirsty ones and girls are the ones whose hearts remain "true." A stereotype that's bullshit! It was another reason it took me so long to understand the sexuality spectrum. Before I understood the various ways a person could experience attraction, I thought it was just a male vs female thing where guys experienced a thing that girls like me just didn't (my christian upbringing did not help to dispel these notions). Because I've done so much work to get rid of these harmful stereotypes in my own worldview, the stereotype idea didn't even occur to me until late in the game. And even if that was the intent? It doesn't change the fact that sexualities are a thing and Adrien reads super aspec.

I'll end with a brief note as to why I don't think the writers intended to make Adrien read as ace. It's mostly due to the fact that they've claimed Twitter credit for Max being ace and Alix being aro. This means that the writing team is at least aware of the sexuality and romance spectrums, but instead of claiming that Adrien is intended to read aspec - credit I would give them as I don't think rep needs to be explicit to count - they claim rep through two background characters who you could slap almost any label on without contradicting canon because canon never even touches on how these two feel about sex and romance. A lack of expressed interest is not the same as a straight up statement of disinterest. Based on what is in the show, you could write Max and Alix as fully allo and still have them be show loyal. And, to be clear, you're allowed to write these characters with any sexuality you want even if canon says they have a specific type of romantic and/or sexual attraction. They're fictional characters, not real people. This was specifically a discussion of my read on canon and what the writing staff has explicitly confirmed about their intended rep or lack thereof.

[itsseohannbin]

• Like A Volcano | Part Five | •

Han Jisung Mini Series

© itshannjisung, 2024

♡ itsseohannbins masterlist ♡

Series Masterlist

Chapter Genre: Angst⚡️Fluff💕Crack💥

-Bestfriends to Lovers Trope-

Summary: being best friends with the kings of kpop always has its ups and downs, and when you're offered a spot on the next European-American book tour to promote the publishing of your new book, there's one kpop king in particular who just doesn't want you to go.

Pairing: Idol!Han Jisung x Female Reader x Bestfriend Skz

** Includes two of my own original female characters, both whom are romantically involved with two of the members. Chan x Jo / Minho x Ash **

Warnings: Swearing. mentions of pregnancy. mentions/consumptions of alcohol. brief mention of bar fights. PDA. making out. slight suggestive themes. toothrotting fluff towards the end. the boys do not use honorifics.

lmk if I missed any!!

Word Count: 7.9k

**this chapter has been slightly changed & revised**

Enjoy!

The nightclub looked exactly how you remembered it to be; overly crowded, disgustingly sweaty and loud enough that you couldn’t even hear your own thoughts.

There was a point in time when this very scene was exactly what you and your friends thrived off of. The hundreds of slick bodies rubbing against each other in time with the music, the endless supply of alcohol that you would all take advantage of until the early hours of the morning, the open-concept layout that allowed you access to every square inch of the building, VIP or not.

Now, the eleven of you preferred nights in with take-out, karaoke, gaming, home-mixed drinks and old movies. Very rarely did you guys ever go out like this, so when you did, you guys always made the absolute most of it.

Bright neon lights and signs littered the old brick walls. The main dance floor still stood directly in the middle of the club, separated by a few steps downward to give it a sunken-in look. The DJ stage sat above it, strobe lights flashing every color and design in time to whatever was playing over the speakers.

The main dance floor was accessible to everyone, and there were multiple staircases leading up to the mezzanine level where the VIP section sat. From up there, you’d have a full view of the bars, the dance floor and the seating areas, though the VIP section had a bar and seating section of its own.

You knew your friends would be up there in the same private seating section they’d claimed upon one of the first visits to the club after debut oh-so many years ago. The staff made sure to rope it off so anyone who wasn’t apart of the Stray Kids entourage wouldn’t get in.

Big, burly men stood guard at each staircase, ensuring only VIPS got access upstairs, and you would’ve been intimidated by them all if they weren’t all Changbin’s gym buddies who, like Dae-hyun, knew you and your friends closely.

As your feet carried you forwards, further into the heat and humidity that clung to the air, you felt some of your tenacity begin to slip. If Jisung was in here hooking up with some girl, it’d be nearly impossible to find him in the ever-growing crowd. There must’ve been some sort of event happening as there seemed to be more people bustling around than usual.

You took a quick detour to the nearest bar and topped up on some liquid courage, the bartender adding it to Changbins ever-growing tab, before making your way to a staircase, trying to avoid the stares and glares you received from nearly everyone you passed by.

When you approached the familiar security guard standing post at the bottom of the metal stairs, you smiled brightly up at him.

“Ye-jun, hey! The rest of the gang is upstairs, yeah?” you asked as you stopped next to him briefly. Ye-jun, who smiled brightly at your sudden appearance, just sighed and gave you a once over before shaking his head and laughing at you in amusement.

“Why am I not surprised that you’re the one walking in here rocking a three-day walk of shame outfit?” he teased. “I’m gonna’ have to have a serious talk with Dae after shift about letting you in here lookin’ like that.”

You punched him lightly in the arm.

“Fuck you Ye, you know I look good.” you teased right back. You made sure to twirl your body in a circle for added affect, causing Ye-jun’s lower lip to fall between his teeth, his eyes darkening with appreciation.

“Yeah, maybe a little too good, y/n. Jisung better smarten the hell up and get his ass in gear before someone snatches you up. Or worse, I do.”

Your initial reaction was to laugh, but the reality of his words only caused you to sigh and run a hand down your already sweaty face.

“Has Ji been that bad?” you asked, not really wanted to know the answer.

If Jisung and his behavior was beginning to cause problems for the club staff, you were going to kill him. Ye-jun shook his head and laughed at the concerned look on your face.

“No. Bad would’ve been eight months ago when I had to drag him out of the bathroom and into a taxi because he was crying so hard over you that he threw up all over one of the couches upstairs. Now he just jumps from woman to woman, causing fights to break out and making security have to work double time.” he explained, chuckling whole-heartedly at the sheer embarrassed that was now plastered to your features at the news.

“Oh my fucking God.” you exasperated. “I am so sorry, Ye.”

Ye-jun waved off your worries with a smile.

“Don’t be. We’ve had some good action in the time you’ve been gone, mostly from the women he double-times. Cat fights, smashed bottles, broken chairs, wigs being torn off, drinks thrown, nails breaking. Oh yeah, the guys and I have been nothing short of amused lately.”

You buried your face in your free hand while heat rushed to your cheeks and covered the tips of your ears. “Jesus, Ye. Why haven’t you kicked us out and banned us yet?” you only half joked. Ye-jun just shrugged and leaned against the railing as he crossed his arms over his broad chest.

“Bad publicity. Throwing out a group of idols would look bad no matter how we’d try and spin it. Plus, like I said, the guys and I are loving it. Standing here for twelve hours checking wrist bands isn’t really as enticing as it may seem.”

You gave him a wicked smile at that last part.

“I’ll keep that in mind next time I feel like starting a fight then.” you winked, though you still felt awful about the crap Jisung’s put the staff through. Ye-jun chuckled and shook his head one last time at you as you tapped his arm goodbye and ran up the stairs, feeling more desperate to find Jisung than before.

The air upstairs was noticeably lighter, making it easier to breathe the second you reached the top. Behind the panes of glass that bordered off the VIP section, the music was slightly muffled, allowing your mind a moment of peace from the commotion and noise coming from behind you.

You pushed your way through the groups of people that cluttered the area, thanking the heavens it was less crowded up here than it was down below, and stopped just a few feet away from the section where your friends sat. You watched the six bodies that were currently present, admiring your friends in awe.

Hyunjin was perched on the armrest of one of the two couches, sipping his drink while he observed the people around him, no doubt looking for someone to pique his interest. Jeongin sat next to him against the cushions, picking away at the large plate of food that sat on the table in front of him.

Ash and Minho were in their own little world on the other couch, the two of them whispering and giggling to one another as they scrolled through Ash’s phone. They’d stop briefly and exchange looks of intimacy and small, soft kisses before resuming, causing you to blush and look away in order to grant them some privacy.

Jo and Chan were, unexpectedly, also indulging themselves in some PDA, which confused you to the core. Jo was never one for public displays of affection, she usually avoided it like the plague, and Chan was always so fine with it; he too preferred it that way, their intimacy save for the privacy of their bedroom.

But alas, here they were. Jo was sitting sideways on Chans lap, her arms wrapped lovingly around his shoulders as his hands held her tightly at the waist, his face buried into her neck. She was giggling softly to herself as he continued his attack on her skin, leaving kisses along her jaw and throat before dipping to her collarbone momentarily and then tracing his path back upwards. The others didn’t seem to mind, paying them no attention, which only left you feeling more out of the loop.

Something was going on.

You had opened your mouth to question what was going on, to ask when Hell hath frozen over for them to be doing such things publicly, without a care, but you barely got a sound out before Jeongin practically squealed in disbelief.

“Oh my God, Noona?”

He jumped from his spot on the couch, his half eaten chicken wing forgotten as he ran to you with open arms. The remaining five bodies all jumped in surprise at his outburst and they turned to watch as he bulldozed into you, nearly knocking you clean off your feet.

“Y/n?” Hyunjin questioned in time to Jeongins movements as the younger squeezed your waist tightly. Realisation hit him quickly, and before you knew it, he was rushing to your side almost as quick as  Jeongin had.

“Is it really you? Are you really here?” Jeongin asked, his smile brighter than the sun. He barely had enough time to move out of the way before Hyunjin’s large figure came crashing into the two of you.

“Bunny? What the heck are you doing here?” Hyunjin interrupted your reply around a laugh as his hands came up to cup your face so he could hold you still and properly look at you. It was as if he didn’t believe you were actually standing before him in the flesh. He had your face squished so much between his palms that your lips were jutting outwards and you couldn’t form any sort of response back to him.

“Jesus Hyune, give the girl room to breathe.” Jo spoke as she hopped of Chans lap and approached the three of you with a smile. “She’s here to see me, obviously.” 

Hyunjin let go of your face and rolled his eyes at Jo’s words as he stepped out of her way so she could greet you.

“Yes, yes. We all know you two are secretly lesbian lovers.” he dramatically spewed with a shake of his head as he returned to his spot on the armrest of the couch.

“It’s true.” you joked back as you pulled Jo in for a tight hug, happy to see her back to usually cheerful self. “Jo and I are helplessly in love.” 

Chan was right behind her, wrapping his arms around the both of you and squishing Jo between your two bodies.

“We had a feeling you’d show.” he quipped before stepping away, allowing Minho and Ash to come forward next. The two of them hugged you warmly before everyone returned to their seats. Jeongin had grabbed your hand and dragged you towards the couch where he and Hyunjin had been sitting, plopping you down in between the two of them.

“Seriously though, what are you doing home? I thought the tour wasn’t done for another month? What’s going on? And what happened to your arm? Why are you dressed like that? Is everything okay?” Jeongins questions came at you in rapid fire as he began picking at his food once more, a look of concern washing over his features. You sighed and rubbed at your eye, taking a moment to think about how to respond.

“It’s a long story,” you decided. “One we can get into later if you’re really interested and concerned.” you patted Jeongins hand reassuringly. “As for my arm, I fractured it back in Amsterdam. I’m okay though, so please don’t worry.” You reached out to pull a cold fry off the platter on the table but Hyunjin’s hand shot out and grabbed you before you could.

“Uh oh. I’m sensing drama.” he stated, his eyes wide as he looked at you in anticipation. He then went on to ask you the one question you dreaded being asked since your plane left the Amsterdam tarmac. Jo, Ash, Chan and Minho all groaned at his curiosity, though Jeongin looked just as intrigued.

“Where’s whats-his-name?”

You took a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself for the onslaught of questions that would no doubt follow your response. You were hoping you’d have more time before the situation was brought up despite coming all the way here and surprising them. You were too focused on your task at hand to think of appropriate responses while in the taxi ride here, and you mentally scolded yourself for it.

“He’s not here.” you stated simply, surprising yourself with how easy it was to say despite everything Seojun put you through. Hyunjin eyed you as his fingers laced with yours. He seemed to have caught onto the seriousness of the situation and chose his next words carefully.

“Not here as in back at your apartment? Or not here as in-”

“Not here as in not in my life anymore.” you interjected, squeezing his large hand for comfort. Jeongin’s face fell slightly at the news, his lips turning downwards into a frown.

“I’m sorry Noona. I know you really liked him.” he pouted for you. You were quick to wave off his worries as you patted his cheek affectionately, ignoring the way your stomach churned at Jeongin’s claim.

“Innie, please, don’t be sorry. I dodged a bullet with that one, believe me.” you assured him with a smile, mimicking Juho’s words from the other night. Jeongin was half-way through a concerned nod before Seungmin’s voice echoed throughout the small area, his sweaty face lighting up like a Christmas tree upon seeing you sitting before him.

“Holy shit. Y/n?” Disbelief coated his words as he hesitated to move. It wasn’t until you smiled his way and stood up from the couch with your arms open wide did he rush to you like a puppy, scooping you up in his arms and spinning the two of you around. As soon as he put you down a moment later, he pulled you into a tight hug, kissing the top of your head.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice an octave higher as his surprise and joy seeped into his tone. You glanced up at him and smiled before bumping your nose against his chin.

“I just missed you guys so much, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to come home before I lost my mind.” you answered jokingly before a mischievous smirk spread across your face. “I’m actually here to confess my love.”

Seungmin’s eyes widened slightly, his eyebrows shooting up his exposed forehead, his lip quivering for an uncertain moment as he tried to read your facial features. He knew about your infatuation with Jisung, nearly everyone at this point did, so his smile was wary and unsure as your hands lifted to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He swallowed awkwardly, his arms tightening around you as his eyes squinted down at your curiously.

“Confess to who?” he drawled out. Your smirk grew bigger at his inquiry.

“To Jisung, obviously.”

As expected, Seungmin’s face twisted up into a look of discontent and disgust, though his smile never fully faded, his grip still tight around your waist. He knew your heart belonged to his bandmate, but it never stopped him from relentlessly flirting with you every change he got.

“Why would you want to confess to him when your knight in shining armour is literally standing right here in front of you?”

You laughed and scoffed before ruffling his now-blonde hair and giving him a peck on the cheek.

“Seung, you know I love you, but-”

“Yeah, yeah. Not the way you love him.” he waved off your affection with a laugh of his own as he wiped your kiss from his cheek. “He’s nothing but a loser trapped in his own aluminium foil, and for some reason, you’re into that.” he playfully rolled his eyes and frowned as he let you go. A pout sat at his lips as he took your spot on the couch and helped himself to the food you were eating.

“Don’t be pouty.” you mocked.

“I’m not?” Seungmin answered, his frown still present. “I’m just glad it was one of us and not that jackass.”

“One of you that what?” you quipped.

“One of us that you fell in love with. I mean, it should’ve been me, honestly, because I’m irresistibly funny and more handsome than Jisung will ever be, but I won’t hold it against you. As long as you come sit with me.” Seungmin joked around, patting his lap for you to sit down.

You rolled your eyes at him and ignored his invitation, glancing around the VIP section to see if you could spot Jisung. You knew he wouldn’t be up here, it would be obvious if he was, but you still looked for him regardless.

“Where is Ji anyways?” you asked no one in particular. “I need to talk to him before my confidence wears off.”

You didn’t realise you had been bouncing anxiously from foot to foot, toying with the hem of your (Jisung’s) shirt until Ash had reached out and grabbed a hold of your hand, her thumb running soothing circles across your knuckles to help ease your nerves.

“Last I saw he was down on the dance floor with Bin and Felix.” Seungmin answered as he leaned back into the leather couch, his mouth nearly stuffed full with nachos.

Just as you were about to open your mouth and ask who wanted to join you for a dance, Changbin showed up looking sweaty and out of breath. He whizzed past Chan and Jo, who had resumed their intimate acts of affection, and reached for a glass, gulping half of it down before he even noticed you standing there. Upon meeting your gaze, his eyes widened and he nearly spat his drink out across the space between the two of you.

“Bunny?” Felix shouted in surprise as he appeared, pushing past the ropes and coming forward to immediately pull you into a gentle hug before Changbin could. “What the hell are you doing here? When did you get back?”

You squeezed your arms around him for a moment, melting into his familiar embrace before you pulled away and held him at arms length, observing his change in style.

“I got back this morning. But you? What did you do to your hair?” you exclamied upon seeing it, the bright blue color harmonizing his skin tone perfectly. Felix blushed and swiped his hand through the loose locks, smiling down at his feet.

“You like it? I think it looked great. They did such a good job for comeback.”

“It looks incredible!” you gushed as your hands reached up to touch it. You were expecting the strands to be dry and damaged from all the product they must’ve used to bleach it and then dye it, but it was as soft as a feather.

“Yah!” Changbin then interrupted in his loud voice, the tone only slightly annoyed. “Is this why the four of you rushed out of the house so quickly this morning? To go pick her up?” He addressed Chan, Jo, Minho and Ash as he came in for a hug. The four of them nodded in response.

“Why didn’t you tell us she was back!” He asked as he wrapped his strong arms around you and squished you tighter than anyone else had.

“She didn’t want you guys to know she was back until she was ready.” Chan explained calmly, glancing at you before he continued on. “She’s had a lot of shit happen in the last few months and she really needed a rest before you heathens brought more chaos into your life.” He gave you a silent look to see how you’d react to his explanation, but his honestly barely bothered you.

“Because you guys are animals and I needed to fully recharge my battery before facing all eight of you again. I missed you guys a lot, but my time away has dwindled my patience.” you joked as you wiggled in Changbins iron-like embrace. He waited a few more seconds before loosening his grip, allowing you room to breathe. He then held you at arms length and gave you a once over, a look of concern crossing his features before a giggle escaped his lips.

“Your sense of style also seems to be dwindling.” he teased, shaking his head similar to how Ye-jun had. “What the hell are you wearing?” he asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

You rolled your eyes and pushed him playfully away from you.

“Keep it in your pants, Bin. I’m here for Jisung, not you.”

You expected Changbin to dramatically clutch his heart and fall to his knees the way he’d done so many times in the past, but instead, he tensed under your touch at the mention of Jisung’s name. A laboured breath left his throat and your stomach began to turn.

“Fuck me.” he whispered as he closed his eyes and rubbed at the bridge of his nose in distress..

“Bin, what’s wrong?” your voice squeaked. You knew his answer just by the look of sheer guilt in his eyes, but it still stung to hear the words out loud.

“He just went off to dance with some girl.” he admitted shyly as he scratched the back of his neck. There was barely enough time for the information to reach your ears before Jo suddenly burst out in a fit of annoyance.

“Binnie, what the hell?” she sucked in a breath at his words, a look of betrayal on her face. “Remember when I told you guys not to let him do that tonight? This is why. Cause y/n’s back, you idiot!”

Changbin shrugged his shoulders and held his hands up in surrender.

“It’s not my fault! I didn’t know Bunny was back, or I would’ve stopped him! I just wanted to let the kid have some fun!” he tried to justify his actions, but Jo wasn’t having any of it. She nearly growled as she rose from Chan’s lap, causing him to reach out to stop her.

You watched as Chan grabbed her by the waist to prevent her from beating Changbin to death with her bare fists, his hands resting protectively across her stomach. He stood with the momentum and nuzzled his face into her neck, whispering lightly into her ear. He was being overly affectionate with her despite the tension that surrounded the two of them earlier in the morning during the ride back to your apartment, and you were becoming more and more confused.

“Jo, Love, please relax. You don’t want to get too riled up. Think about your blood pressure.” you heard him barely whisper as he tried to talk Jo down, his hands moving to rest on her upper arms.

You knew something was going on but you never expected the next words to leave Chan’s mouth.

“Think of the baby.” he murmured. He thought he had spoken low enough for no one to hear, but you did. Everyone did, and everyone minus Ash and Minho whipped their heads in their direction with matching looks of shock crossing their features, Changbins fuck-up momentarily forgotten.

“I’m sorry, WHAT?” you shouted in surprise.

Chan’s face flushed red and Jo scowled playfully at him. 

“Nice going Chris.” she mumbled as she smacked his arm lightly. Chan just let out a sheepish smile and rested his chin on her shoulder as he pulled her back down onto his lap.

“Excuse me?” Changbin was having a hard time comprehending the news.

“You’re pregnant?” Jeongin and Felix spoke at the same time that Hyunjin and Seungmin let out choked noises of surprise. Jo hesitated for a minute to look at Chan before the biggest smile you’d ever seen from her spread across her face. She looked joyful, ironically like a child, and adoration sparkled in her eyes.

“Surprise?” she offered. Smiles and shouts of joy began to slip out as the initial shock wore off of everyone, each of the members present standing to hug and congratulate the happy couple on their news. Seungmin just leaned forward from his spot on the couch to try and give his leader a high-five amidst the chaos.

“Alright Chan! Fifty points for managing to put a Joey in the pouch!” he laughed maniacally. Everyone except Chan laughed at Seungmins inappropriate joke.

Chan instead just deadpanned at his younger member, the signature disappointed dad sigh making a comeback as he shook his head. He looked as if he was ready to put Seungmin up for adoption.

“Seungmin, never ever in your life say those words to me ever again.”

Seungmin just laughed as he forcefully pulled one of Chan’s hands off of Jo’s stomach and high-fived himself with it, looking mischievous and every bit proud of himself. Everyone shook their heads at him before you brought attention back to Jo and Chan.

“So, how far along are you?” you asked.

“Do you guys know the gender yet?” Felix then chided in.

“Oh God, I don’t know if I’m ready to be an Uncle to two idiots just yet.” Hyunjin cried, earning a smack on the back of his head from Minho.

“If it’s a boy can we name it after JYP?”

Jo laughed at the impending questions and hugged Chan tighter to her chest as she answered each of them happily, her body practically dripping with excitement.

“I’m almost four months along. No, we don’t know the gender, we want to keep it a surprise. And no, Seung? We’re not naming it after JYP?” she scowled at Seungmin’s suggestion. You could practically see the wheels of mischeif spinning wildly in his mind, and you decided then to interrupt his next words with a clap of your hands.

“I think this calls for a celebratory drink for everyone! In honor of the both of you.” you interjected, addressing both Ash and Jo in your statement. “By this time next year, we’ll have a mini-Jo and a mini-Min running around together, wreaking havoc with their parents in tow, and I think it’s best for us all to get a head start on the numbing process now.”

Everyone giggled and cheered at your suggestion. All but Chan. His attention was zeroed in on something past the window and down onto the main dance floor.

“I think the drinks can wait.” he said. When his eyes found yours, he nodded and motioned down to the crowd of people who were dancing and singing to the music. You paced to the window and peered through the glass to see what he was looking at.

At first, you weren’t sure what caught his eye. The flickering lights and hordes of people made it difficult to spot what he did, but after a sudden flash of white light lit up the room, it was hard to miss the silver-blonde mop of hair on Jisungs head as he squeezed his way through the crowd, his hands intertwined with a girls.

You gulped loudly as you watched him pull the female away from the dance floor and towards the darkened corners where the bathrooms were located. A wave of heat washed over you and you suddenly felt sick to your stomach from the sight of him with someone else. Someone that wasn’t you.

Everyone had gotten up and peeked through the window to see what you and Chan were looking at, and then they all looked towards you to gauge your reaction and anticipate your next move. Minho must’ve sensed your sudden lack of confidence because he held the remainder of his drink out to you and waited for you to take it before he spoke softly.

“Remember what I said, y/n.” he clicked his tongue. “You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve him. Now go get him.”

The jealousy that sat idly in your bloodstream flared to life as you downed your drink without a problem, barely tasting the whiskey on your tongue while your eyes followed Jisung. You nodded at Minho’s words, but your feet refused to move.

This was it.

This was what you came here for.

This is what pulled you off your couch and dragged you to this nightclub without a second thought, without a single care at to what you looked like and what the outcome could’ve been. 

Maybe you should’ve changed your clothes.

This was what your heart ached for,

He was what your heart aced for.

And it was time to get him back.

You nodded your head again as you felt the alcohol coat your system with a new wave of confidence. You took a deep breath before you glanced to your right where Seungmin was sipping on his glass of expensive vodka through a straw.

Before he could react, you pulled the glass from his hand and tilted your head back, chugging as much of it back as you could.

“Oh, that’s not-” Seungmin paused and watched in awe as you downed the entire glass. “That’s not water.” he finished quietly to himself as you handed him the empty glass and wiped the corners of your mouth, letting the vodka give you that extra boost you needed to get your feet moving.

Satisfied, you turned on your heel and walked away from your friends without another word. Despite the excitement that still hung in the air at Jo and Chans announcement, all nine of them shotued and cheered for you as you made your way out of the VIP area and down to find Jisung, causing others to send weird looks your way.

Your feet seemed to be moving in double time as you became more and more determined, pushing through the waves of people and making your way to the bathrooms, desperately hoping Jisung would still be in the area.

You weren’t about to lose you chance again.

You’d fight the girl with your bare fists if you had to; anything for another chance.

As the alcohol settled in your system, you felt your head grow tipsy, boosting your confidence impossible more. The crowd grew more and more dispersed the closer you got to the bathrooms, making it easier to breathe.

Easier to find exactly who you were looking for.

He was hard to miss.

He had the girl pushed up against the wall near the corner. Her hands were running ravenously over his body; up his back, across his shoulders, into his hair and down again. His face was buried into the crook fo her neck and her smile was blissful even in the dim light as he sucked and bit at her skin.

Upon seeing him in this compromising position, you almost blushed and turned away to leave them be, accepting the fact that he’d moved on from you, but you noticed quickly that Chan had been right. Jisungs hands were planted firmly against the wall he had her up against, and his body was rigid, still, as if he wasn’t enjoying himself in the slightest. That was enough to make you stay. 

He was wearing one of his infamous sleeveless shirts, black and worn out and distressed, much like yours was, and fitted black jeans. His silver-blonde hair that you’d seen online in the comeback trailer was long and messy, sweat causing it to stick up and out in all directions while the girls hands tugged and pulled at it.

The way his shirt hugged his broad shoulders made his back muscles extremely visible, his honey-colored biceps and forearms flexing deliciously as the pressure he applied to the wall rose and fell in time with his heavy breathing. The shirt clung to his body, slick with sweat, exposing his thin waist.

He looked absolutely delectable.

You watched as the girl raised one of her bare legs and wrapped it around his hips, a moan escaping her lips as she tried to pull him closer to her. It was the most dramatic, unnattractive sound you’d ever heard and you sensed she was most likely doing it for his benefit rather than her own, attempting to gt him to touch her, but he resisted.

You felt a surged of pride as you noted it. Yes, you trusted Chan and everything he told you, but seeing it with your own two eyes made it more real, more special.

Jisung didn’t want anyone but you, refused to touch anyone but you.

It made you shudder in delight.

Then, as if on cue, the most delicious groan you’ve ever heard escaped from Jisung’s throat, causing a shiver to shoot up your spine.

“Bubby,” he whined, his voice hot with lust as he practically cried. “Y/n, please.”

That was all you needed to hear; the only thing that sent you flying towards the two at full speed before you could even register what was happening.

He didn’t want her, he wanted Bubs.

He wanted you.

With more confidence than you’ve had all night, you walked right up behind him and laced your fingers into the belt loop of his jeans. In one swift motion, you whirled him off of the girl and pushed him into the corner, caging him with your arms on either side of his face.

You ignored the girl’s confused huffs of anger as Jisung was ripped from her grasp, and pressed your body against him in all the right places, your leg inserting itself between his, your lips coming up to whisper in his ear.

Jisung wasn’t sure what had happened. One minute he was sucking the neck of a girl he didn’t bother learning the name of, doing everything he could to block the image of you from his mind, and the next he was being pushed into a corner.

His first drunken instinct was to fight against whoever it was who overpowered him, which was futile given how much alcohol he’d consumed already, concluding it was probably one of the bouncers looking to throw him out for god knows what this time. But, when he was met with your familiar scent, when the lavender and vanilla hit his senses at full force, his body nearly shut down. When your soft, sweet voice whispered into his ear, the voice that always seemed to bring him back home, he went nearly limp with relief.

“I’m right here Sung. Bubs is here.” you had whispered against his earlobe.

Immediately, his arms wrapped around your waist as your words hit him. For the first time in almost a year and a half, he felt like he was being saved, like he was waking from a dream, a nightmare.

He felt as if he had been spacebound for decades and your voice was the tether he needed to bring him back to earth. Like he had been drowning for an eternity and your voice alone was all he needed to breach the surface and breathe in the oxygen that was you.

He inhaled and slowly opened his eyes, terrified that he’d come face to face with a total stranger, someone who smelled and sounded exactly like you, the love of his life, but wasn’t.

When his eyes slitted open and they found yours staring back at him with nothing but adoration and lover and wonder, his arms tightened impossibly more around you and he practically lost his breath.

With your hair pulled into the remnants of a messy bun, dark bags under your eyes from lack of sleep, the small mole on your left cheek that matched his almost too perfectly, he thought you looked absolutely stunning.

The freckles that scattered across your nose and cheeks like stars in the night sky, the shirt, his shirt, hanging off your body, your shorts barely poking out from beneath the hem, the fucking converse on your feet.

No one could ever compare.

Maybe it was the alcohol swimming through his system, or simply just the lights from the club behind you, but he swore you had an angelic glow.

His savior.

You had come back for him.

Despite the overwhelming amount of happiness that poured into his bloodstream at just the sight of you alone, despite never feeling so relieved in his entire life, his face turned downwards into a scowl as he made eye contact with you.

He didn’t mean for it, but he wanted, needed, to protect his heart.

“What are you doing here y/n?”

His eyes burned into yours. You could tell by the fire in them that he was still mad at you for everything that happened, but the grip he had on your hips and the ever-growing bulge in his pants that was pressed against your thigh told you a completely different story.

“I’m here for you, Ji.” you spoke calmly, adoringly.

Jisung let out a sarcastic laugh and shook his head as he sobered up and glanced around where you had him cornered. He was fighting an internal battle with himself and wasn’t sure which side would win. The side that was still heartbroken and furious at you for leaving and running off with a man who didn’t love you as much as he did, or the side that wanted so badly to melt into your embrace and kiss you like there was no tomorrow.

“What’s wrong? Seojun couldn’t fulfill your needs so now you’re back here looking for me to do it instead?”

Ouch. That one stung.

You expected a bad reaction from him, but nothing like that. You nearly flinched away from his words. Your first instinct was yelling at you to start a fight and let the tears slip, it’s what you were used to from Seojun after all, but Jisung wasn’t speaking maliciously, at least not completely. He had no sides of the story and you knew that.

That was the only reason you took a deep breath and forced a conversation out of your system instead of the usual screaming match you had grown accustomed to in your time away.

“That’s not what’s going on, Sung.”

“Isn’t it though? You had him and you got bored and now you’re back for me.”

He watched you through hooded eyes as you shook your head at his words, but he didn’t give you a chance to respond before he spoke up again.

“Y/n, I love you just as much as I did the day you left, probably more so now that I know what it’s like to live without you, but I vowed to myself that day that I’d never let myself be anyones second choice.”

A heartbroken sigh shattered your body at his words, causing you to shake your head even harder at what he was insinuating.

“That’s just it Jisung. You’re not my second choice.” you breathed out around the lump that was quickly forming in your throat. You exhaled a shaky breath before continuing, not missing the way his eyes widened slightly at your claim.

 “You’ve never been my second choice. You’ve always been my first. Even when I ran off with some asshole who didn’t give a flying fuck about me, when I embarked on an adventure that left me feeling nothing but lonely and empty inside, when I laid awake night after night missing home and wishing desperately I could go back, you’ve always been my first. And I tried to deny it and I tried to run away from it, but I couldn’t. I can’t anymore. You’re undeniable. You’re the only one my heart has ever belonged to. It’s been yours since day one.”

Jisung went still and silent at that, his eyes observing yours closely as he searched for any remains of doubt or skepticality in your resolve, anything that would tell him you were exaggerating or lying, but he found none.

He was suddenly hit with a brick of emotions as he found nothing but honesty and love staring back at him. He was and always would be your number one. He could see that now as clearly as he could see the universe in your eyes every damn time he looked into them.

“What are you saying y/n?” he whispered out so quietly you barely heard him.

A soft smile curled the corners of your mouth as you reached up and brushed some of his hair away from his face, trying to get a better look at his honey-colored skin and adorable brown eyes.

“I think you know exactly what I’m saying.” you whispered back in the same tone. It was a miracle the two of you heard each other at all over the loud music. But at this moment, the two of you were just lost in your own little world, everything else seemed muffled, unimportant.

A smile then pulled at Jisungs mouth, one that wasn’t mean or sarcastic or insincere. A genuine smile, and you knew at that moment you had him. You got him back, and the utter relief that shook your body was powerful enough to make your knees weak.

He was yours.

“I think I want to hear you say it,” he spoke softly, his eyes glittering in anticipation. “But please, please, don’t say it unless you absolutely one-hundred percent mean it. I can’t go through this again. I can’t lose you again.” he begged.

You dimpled at him, taking your hands off the wall and reaching to tangle your fingers in the long, soft hair that sat at the nape of his neck. You gave him a grin and shook your head in awe.

“I love you Jisung.”

He seemed to be holding his breath as he waited patiently for the words to leave your mouth, because once they did, a sigh of relief left his lips and his head fell forward to rest on your shoulder, his arms hugging you closer to his body. He nuzzled his nose against the skin of your neck, inhaling slowly as he tried to relax his frantic heartbeat.

“Say it again,” he whispered, causing a giggle to leave your chest as you held him close to you.

“I love you Ji.” you told him again.

You could feel him smiling against the skin of your neck as he took another deep breath, inhaling the very essence of you.

“Again,” he begged, relishing in the way the words left your mouth so prettily, in the way it made goosebumps rise along his arms and legs, in the way it filled him with so much joy and happines he felt like he could outshine the sun.

You let out a laugh at his persistent request, but complied anyways, tears forming in your eyes and threatening to pool down your cheeks from the sheer happiness filling your veins.

“I’m in love with you, Sungie.”

He pulled away from your neck and lifted a hand from your hips to hold your face. Tears of joy and relief were falling down his puffy cheeks and his thumb wiped at yours as your own tears began to fall just from the sight of him.

“One more time?”

You giggled again, your head leaning into the warmth of his touch.

You’d tell him as many times as you needed to for him to believe it.

“Jisung Han, I fucking lo-”

You never got a chance to finish your sentence before his lips connected with yours as he spun the two of you around, caging you in the corner and encasing you in everything that was him.

The kiss was gentle and sweet, full of love and devotion and longing. Even though his lips were pressed against yours roughly, they felt feather-light, and you sighed into the feeling.

It finally felt like you had come home.

Jisung smiled against your lips once you finally opened your mouth to take a breath, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue in. The second your tongues touched, it was like fireworks had gone off inside your body.

Every nerve ending in your tongue, in your mouth, in your entire being was on high alert as the two of you slowly and sensually explored each other. You could feel every inch of his tongue as it grazed across yours. The little sparks of electricity that poured from his hands that were holding you so gentle made you feel alive for the first time in months, years even.

When the two of you inevitable had to pull away, breathless and dazed from the intensity of your actions, Jisung leaned his forehead against yours and opened his eyes slightly to stare at you.

“That should’ve been our first kiss,” he whispered as his arms folded around you once more. He was squeezing you tightly, as if he was afraid you’d drift away the second he stopped touching you, and you loved the feeling of it.

“I love you so much, Princess.”

You glanced up at him briefly before you pulled him in closer to you once more, connecting your lips with his in another kiss.

The time, the kiss was hot and desperate, the neediness practically rolling off the two of you in waves. All the years of longing glances, sexual tension, titillating banter and subtle flirting had led up to this moment. The invisible chord that tethered you two together seemed to have finally been pulled past it’s limit and snapped, brining you two closer than ever before.

Jisung slightly bent his legs, his mouth never breaking contact with yours, and wrapped his arms around your thighs, picking you up and pushing you harder into the corner.

As if you had been doing it for years, your legs automatically wrapped around his tiny waist, his pelvis pushing against yours while his chest pinned you to the wall. His fingers were softly stroking the crevice just beneath where your butt ended and your legs began, causing your body to ignite with want.

You ran your fingers through his hair and tugged on the ends gently, pulling away from his lips, a small string of saliva connected yours to his. Jisungs mouth chased you as you went, causing you to softly laugh. You had to put a hand on his shoulder and nudge him to get him to relax and take a breath.

“Wanna get out of here?” You asked breathlessly, your eyes darting from his eyes, back down to his mouth and then back up again.

Like you were a drug he was addicted to, Jisung couldn’t keep his lips off your skin. He planted soft kisses all across your face as you spoke, from your cheek, to your chin, to your nose, and finally back to your lips once more.

“Yeah?” he asked back, taking a moment to stare at you nervously. He bit his lip as you nodded your head yes eagerly.

“Yeah.” you confirmed. Jisung took one of his hands from where he was supporting your ass and brushed a few baby hairs away from your face.

“Are you sure?” he asked, causing you to roll your eyes and let out a laugh in response.

“Just fucking take me home Jisung.” you begged. Jisung smiled at your request and helped you to your feet again. He held onto your elbow as you struggled to regain your composure from the heated kisses the two of you exchanged.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

And with that, with his hand on the small of your back, he took you home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist || @sungshineworld @collisvng @ihrtlix @queen-in-the-shadows @cassidymb121

Previous Part || Next Part

[cuttergauthier]

New Jersey Three

Jack Hughes x Female Reader

This is chapter Three of Four

Can read chapter 1 | 2 here

Warning: Ex, fluff, cursing, Non supportive parents? Let me know if i missed any.

This has been in my draft for a while, I finally finished it.

word count: 1.7k

let me know what you guys think🤍

Today was New Year’s Eve, it’s always been a big celebration in Time Square except I didn’t want to go alone. This will be my first New Year’s Eve I’ve spent alone, ever since I was a kid, I was either with my parents and brother celebrating or in my teenage years I was partying with my friends.

This year was going to be different I just didn’t know exactly how. I talked to Luke earlier this morning and I had told him that I saw Jack yesterday, he was happy that we talk, he started jumping up and down which made me laugh, he even ran to tell his parents. I was happy that we finally talked again, I never should have waited a year to talk to him, but I guess running into him yesterday was meant to be.

I got ready for the day and decided to hang out on my couch and watch some movies. It was around 12 p.m. when I got a text from Jack asking if he could come over, I gave him my addressed and he said he would be right over.

I’m guessing he might want to talk more, we didn’t have a lot of time catching up yesterday, I just thought since it was New Year’s Eve he would have plans but I guess not.

About an hour later there was a knock on the door, it was Jack standing there smiling with two coffees.

“I brought you a coffee, do you still like cold brews?” he asked as he handed me the coffee

“I do, thank you” I replied smiling

We made our way to my living room and sat down on the couch.

“What brings you here? It’s New Year’s Eve I would have thought you’d have plans” I asked curiously

“I only have a team party tonight, I had time, thought I’d come over and we could catch up some more.” He said smiling

I’ve missed seeing that big smile of his.

“I’m okay with that”

“Did you still like going to Michigan? or did it make you want to leave even more?

“It wasn’t bad… but I was miserable, my friends were there but I still was following my dreams”

He nodded smiling

“well I am happy you’re in New York now”

“same here, how’s life been for you since you’ve been in Jersey?”

“pretty great, the team hasn’t been doing well but we’ve got some pretty great guys on the team”

“as long as you guys have a good group, I’m sure you could turn the season around”

“true, I still don’t think we’ll make the playoff’s this year though”

“There’s always next year Jack” I reassured him which made him smile.

“Do you have any plans for tonight?”

“Does drinking wine and watching movies count?” I ask making him laugh

“I guess it does but I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to the teams New Year’s Eve party”

I was surprise, this is only the second time seeing him in over a year, I didn’t expect him to invite me to meet his team already.

“are you serious?”

“Yeah why not, I’d love to have you there plus the guys that saw you yesterday… well more like PK wanted me to invite you”

“well we haven’t really been close in over a year and I don’t want to impose”

“trust me y/n you wouldn’t be imposing, plus everyone will love you, you’ve always been a social butterfly” he said making me chuckle

“Okay then… I’m in” I agreed smiling

“good, I can pick you up before, or you can bring your stuff to my apartment and get ready there if you want? It’s only going be Ty and I. we also have a guest bedroom if you want to spend the night.”

“if you and Ty really don’t mind me getting ready and staying the night it would be great actually, I’m guessing it’ll be hell trying to get an uber on New Year’s Eve” I said laughing

“probably” he chuckled

We spend the next 2 hours talking about our lives, what we’ve been up to since the last time we had seen each other, at around 5 p.m. I grabbed some my clothes for the party and to sleep in along with my makeup stuff, I put everything in a bag and grabbed my keys. Jack droves us his and Ty’s apartment after he picked us up some food.

Once we got there, he let himself in, you could tell this apartment building was new it looked modern. once we got in his apartment it was big, I was not surprise I mean two hockey players live here, there was no way I could ever afford a place like this.

“Y/n this is Ty, Ty this is Y/n” Jack introduced me to Ty

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you” I greeted Ty

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you too, I’ve heard a lot about you” Ty said smiling

I talked with both of them as we ate our food, once I was done Jack showed me where the bathroom was so I could start getting ready.

I did my makeup natural I didn’t want to go all out, since I was going to be meeting Jack’s team along with their families. I also decided to wear Black leather pants with a sparkly silver thank top that I would pair with some black boots along with a black crop blazer. It took me about an hour and a half before I was ready.

I made my way back to the living room with Jack and Ty, I saw Jack staring at me.

“what?” I asked chuckling

“Nothing, you look beautiful” he said making me blush

“Thank you” I smiled

“I ordered an Uber it should be here in 10 minutes” Ty told us

Jack and I both nodded as I joined them sitting on the couch.

Once the uber got here we made our way to the party.

I was still nervous to meeting everyone, but I knew Jack would have my back. Even after all these years I knew he’d always have my back no matter what.

Once we got there PK saw us and came over.

“Glad you guys could make it. You must be Y/n I’ve heard a lot about you” PK said

“It’s nice to meet you too” I said smiling.

“Make yourselves at home, drinks are in the kitchen” he said before leaving us there.

Jack introduced me to his teammates and their other half’s everyone was so sweet. Nico’s girlfriend Jenna (made up name) dragged me with her and the other girls.

“How long have you and Jack been dating?” Clare, Ryan graves girlfriend asked.

“Oh were not dating… I mean we used to when we were teenagers, but we broke up when he moved to Jersey” I said

“Oh sorry, it’s just Jack never brings any so we just thought maybe you were dating” she said embaressed.

“It’s fine don’t worry, were just friends” I said smiling. The girls nodded.

“Well from the way he looked at you, I can tell he really cares about you” Jenna said smiling.

I continued talking with the girl before they all went to find their better half’s since it was a few minutes before midnight.

“Hey” Jack said smiling when I made my way to him.

“Hey”

“You having fun?” he asked

“I really am, thanks for inviting me” I said smiling.

“I’m glad you said yes”

The countdown started

10…

9…

8…

7…

6…

5…

“Can I kiss you?” Jack asked I looked at him

4…

3…

2…

“yes” I said smiling

1…

Jack leaned in a kissed me. Our lips moved in sync. Everyone was cheering

“Happy new years y/n” Jack said smiling when we pulled away.

“Happy new years Jack”

We ended up making our way back to Jack’s apartment

We were just cuddling in his bed, both of us were smiling.

“This is a big city and we still happen to find each other again” I said smiling

“Maybe it was meant to be?” he said smiling before kissing me again.

“Maybe it was” I said smiling when he pulled away.

“I love you so much Y/n” he said nervously.

“I love you to Jack”

“Can we try this again?” he asked

“I’d love that” I said smiling, he smiled back.

“Can I take you on a date tomorrow night?”

“Yes, you can”

“Are families are going to be so happy” he said making me laugh.

“Oh definitely, Luke was begging me to tell you I moved here”

Jack chuckled.

“That does not surprise me one bit”

[thesilvercup]

Oh! Lover Boy!

A Jake Seresin x Reader

Reader finds out she’s pregnant and tries to come up with the perfect way to surprise her husband. But not all things go to plan.

Words: 2.1k

Warnings: none? If there are let me know!

Feel free to like, reblog, comment, not read, not like, or whatever your heart desires. Enjoy and happy reading! Find my master list here!

———————

Do you ever feel like no one has your back except for a few people? Yep, that’s exactly how I feel. Working as a painter while my husband is a naval aviator people always seems to paint me as the “trophy” wife or the dumb but pretty wife. Why won’t people see me for me? Even when I let them in their snide remarks push me further away from feeling worthy of any meaningful love or relationship. And trying to complain to people I get hit with “I wish that was my problem.” I feel so lost in life. That is until I see my husband.

Jake has always been there for me. He has picked me up when days got bad and he’s loved me for me. Not for my body or my looks like so many claim. That’s one of the reasons why I can trust him with my whole mind, body, and soul. However, I have a secret. A secret that won’t be a secret soon but a secret that makes the wait so much better. I, Samantha Seresin, am pregnant with Jake Seresin’s baby. The one catch is that he doesn’t know yet.

Jake’s had an extremely busy past few weeks at work. Which is awful for Jake and puts him under a lot of stress but ideal conditions for this secret. The long hours he has been working gives my gift more time to be perfected. I am painting a tiny little square canvas of us holding hands with me turned to the side to show a bump. Since this piece is so detailed yet really small I need the most amount of time I can get to finish it. Luckily for me, the painting is almost finished. As I paint my mind tends to wander so no wonder I just found out as I gazed upon the clock that I only have about an hour until Jake gets home. I put my painting products away and hide my canvas in a random draw in my studio.

Swiftly but carefully, I go about the house to pick up out of place objects and straighten crooked blankets. After that is done I head into our pantry. I bend down and push the start button located on the top of the roomba so I can focus my attention on dinner. Before I do any cooking in the kitchen I head out of pantry and into our living room. I turn on our record player and put on my favorite record of all time, A Night At The Opera by Queen. As the needle touches the vinyl and the music starts playing my body moves on autopilot. I walk through the doorway and into our kitchen where our defrosted chicken lay in the sink. I glance at my phone. Thirty minutes until he leaves work. Dinner will definitely be a time crunch because we live on base.

I rub different spices into the chicken breasts along with butter to crispen its skin. Along with buttered and salted asparagus i plop them in the oven to bake for 25 minutes. I then get started on the pasta I want to make. Although I follow social media I don’t worship celebrities. However, Jake and I both love Gigi Hadid’s vodka pasta. I hear the music stop so after I finish plopping the pasta noodles in boiling water I flip the record to side B. That’s when I hear my phone chime from the kitchen. Without looking at it yet I know that the text is Jake on his way home. Once I get into the kitchen I confirm that it is and rush to finish this pasta. He’s suspiciously 15 minutes early. I brush it off and continue cooking. 5 minutes later and the pasta is done as well as the asparagus with the chicken still cooking away in the oven, I hear the sound of keys dangling and my beautiful but tired husband walk through the doors. “Hey, Honey,” I call from my spot in the kitchen currently trying to take out our cute sea foam green glass dishes from the highest shelf. It’s evident that Jake can hear the slightest tense in my voice and he’s by my side in an instant, reaching up to grab the dishes but also reaching down with his opposite hand to grab my ass and give me a kiss at the same time.

“Hiya, baby. Missed you today,” he says as he sets down the plates on the counter and hugs me. I let my body relax into his and retort, “I bet I miss you more, baby.” He shakes his head and adjusts his hug to be tighter than before. “At work today, I couldn’t stop talking about you. Even more so than I normally do that everyone joked my call sign should be changed.”

“To what, Jakey?” I ask. I look up at him and his cheeks are tinted pink. “To Lover Boy,” he says sheepishly. I love the name! I start to giggle. “Well lover boy, I think it’s a perfect fit,” I say as I lean up to kiss him. Jake kisses back with extreme vigor but right as things started to get heated the oven dinged.

“Oh our dinner!” I exclaim as I go and get the hot hands from the island. Jake gets there quicker than I do. And manages to get the chicken out of the oven before I can even protest. I smile and kiss Jake as I turn off the oven and start packing our plates with food. As we start eating my mind keeps wondering from our conversation. Jake has to say my name a few times for me to snap out of my thoughts. I truly can’t help it. I keep thinking about the painting two rooms over. I want to give it to Jake so bad right now but I’m not sure if it’s the right timing. But will it ever be the right timing? Probably not. Maybe is should wait for him to shower? I assume he’s already showered before getting home. If not it might ruin the mood. How will he take it? We’ve been married for 2 years and I’m only 24 and he’s 30 so we are still quite young. Oh well maybe if I just rush and do — “Sam,” Jake states, “baby are you okay? You’ve been spacey all dinner?” Oh shit. “Yeah Jake I’m okay. It’s just this big project that I’m rushing to finish.” The concern from Jake’s eyes leave and for once I feel like I could actually lie and get away with it from my husband. Sadly, that’s not the case.

As fast as the concern left his face confusion trickled in. “I thought you weren’t completing anymore projects this month?” My face dropped and my jaw would’ve hit the table if it was connected any looser to my jaw. Trying to keep my composure I try a white lie. “Well actually it’s more of a personal venture than a business one.” The holds over Jake but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. However, he doesn’t push me any further that evening. A few hours later we’re climbing into bed. With all these longer shifts, Jake hasn’t really had the energy or been in the mood to fuck. That’s okay though, I’ve been so incredibly exhausted having our tiny little love inside of me he barely notices how fast I fall asleep now. I pull the blankets up closer to my neck and snuggle in to Jake. His grip on me tightens and we drift off to sleep. With similar topics on our minds yet neither of us had a clue.

On typical weekday mornings, Jake would wake up first, have breakfast, and be dressed ready to go to work before I had even gotten out of bed. Yet today I woke up 30 minutes before Jake’s alarm. From the most awful and tight feeling in my stomach and my throat. I was going to puke! As the clock turned to 4:00 am I was up and in the bathroom spewing out the contents of dinner from the night before. Hearing Jake groan and step out of bed I hurry to come up with a good enough excuse. Should I say food poisoning? No because he’s completely fine and I was the one that cooked. Hmmm how about the flu? That could work I’ll go with that.

As I lean over the toilet to let out more of my stomach contents Jake crouches down behind me and gently rubs my back. “It’s okay baby, let it out. Shhhh, Sammy it’s okay,” he whispers. After a few minutes I feel a bit better and go to clean the toilet and brush my teeth. Jake stops me from cleaning the toilet saying that he wants to help. I oblige, not really having the energy or the urge to fight him on this. Once we get back in bed it’s around 4:20, ten minutes before he has to wake up.

“I’m sorry for waking you up, baby,” I croak out as he holds me in his arms. “Shhh my love it’s okay, I just want you to feel better,” he replies. “I actually feel so much better now,” I state as I hold onto him, the one person in the world that wouldn’t care that I just cost him 30 more minutes of uninterrupted sleep. “I’m so glad, baby,” he gently states. After a while of him hugging and rubbing my sides he works up the courage to say, “I actually liked that you got sick. It made me think of you being pregnant and how it would be like with me comforting you.”

“Hmmm,” I say, “that’s actually quite funny.” Jake furrows his eyebrows. “Why is that funny?” I croon my neck to look up at him. With a smile I say, “give me a second and you’ll see.” I toss the covers off of us and make my way down the steps. I turn into my studio and fish out the painting. Although it’s unfinished it’s close to being done. I also dig around another drawer to retrieve the pregnancy tests I had peed on yesterday, so that I didn’t give him old musty ones. I quickly glide up the stairs to give him his gift. It’s perfect! Impromptu yet cute. Before I enter our bedroom I call out, “Jake close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you too.” “Yes ma’am,” Jake calls back. I peak around the corner to make sure his eyes are closed and once I’m 99% sure I come into the room. “Ok baby give me your hands.” “Yes, baby,” Jake replies. I place the canvas in his hands first, while keeping the pregnancy tests behind my back. “Ok , Jakey you can open your eyes now.”

Once Jake does his eyes widen and he glances up at me. The biggest smile I’ve ever seen from him is plastered on his face. “You want to have a baby, too,” Jake questions. I burst out into a fit of giggles. “Jakey, no. I don’t want to have a baby, too. We’re having a baby.” I show him the pregnancy tests that were hidden from behind my back. I start to tear up, however Jake starts bawling his eyes out. He launches into me telling me how happy he his. “Baby I love you so much,” he manages to get out, “this is the best thing to ever happen to me.” I nod my head in agreeance. My eyes happen to catch the clock as it reads 4:45. “Jake!” I say concerned, “you need to leave for work soon.” Without leaving my side he whips out his phone and agrees that he needs to get out of bed.

“But I really don’t want to leave you,” Jake whines. “I know baby but we’ll be here waiting for you to get back.” Jake’s smile appears and he kisses me all over the face and then shimmies down to kiss my still flat stomach. “I love the both of you so much,” Jake says. “We love you too,” I beam at him. Jake quickly gets dressed and grabs a small bite to eat before heading out of the door. I follow him to it and call out, “Lover Boy! Maybe get off work early for a special surprise?” Jake’s head snaps towards me so fast and he frantically nods. “Will do, I’ll even break orders to get here.” We exchange love you’s as he pulls out of the driveway. Oh how I love my Lover Boy.

[violettduchess]

Clavis: touch prompt # 3, hiding face in neck (f!reader please)

A/N: Dusting off some (very) old requests before all that heartache gets rolling

Clavis x reader, fluff

Word Count: 1337

The sound of a key unlocking the front door of your cottage interrupts the satisfying scratch of your pencil on the cream-colored paper of your notebook. One glance out the window and the pale, rose-colored sky tells you who is entering your home, explains the smile slowly spreading across your face.

You hear the click of the door closing, the muffled sound of clothing as a coat is removed and hung up. And then he walks through the doorway, golden eyes bringing the last rays of the day’s sunshine with him. Your pencil drops, abandoned as you nearly sprint over, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him soundly before he can even say a word, relishing the feel of his surprised smile against your lips. He does not however pull you into his arms as usual and you step back, one brow arched in question.

You didn’t notice the way he had his hands behind his back at first. Excitement had sent you flying straight to him without a care for anything else. But now you see it along with the twinkling glint in his eyes.

“Clavis…..”

Unable to keep it to himself any longer, you find yourself suddenly in possession of something square-shaped and heavy, wrapped in a velvet cloth the color of wisteria. 

“The holidays are over,” you say slowly, head tilted in question.

“This came later. It had a long journey to make, after all.” He sounds eager and smug at the same time. Curious you pull on the silver silk ribbon and then open the marvelously soft cloth to reveal something that makes you gasp.

“I don’t believe it…..”

Unable to play it cool any longer, he gleefully sweeps you and your treasure up into his arms and carries you over to the blush-colored armchair you love to curl up in to read. He drops down into it, with you across his lap, your legs hanging over the plush, rounded armrest.

“How did you even…..Iolite is so far away and I only mentioned this to you a few days before Christmas.” Your fingertips trace the cover of the book. It’s made of rich green leather, the color of a summer forest at dusk, with orchids in glimmering pinks and golds embossed around the edges. The lettering is a language you don’t understand, but it doesn’t matter. This treasure right here? You’ve heard this is one of the most beautifully illustrated books in the world.

“I’m a marvel. Haven’t I told you how wonderful I am? Don’t you just love me?” He tightens his arms around you, his smile sharpening to a grin when you laugh.

“As if I could love you any more than I already do,” you murmur, still engrossed in the beauty of the book. You miss the way your words bring color to his face, the sudden, wild thump of his heart. He swallows, unused to such casual declarations of love. 

“I do have, ah, one question, my love.” He settles you more comfortably against him, his arms locked around you like a dragon hoarding its most precious treasure. “Since it has not been translated and, while you can do a great many things, I don’t believe you can read Iolitian….so why did you want this particular book?”

You smile, almost starry-eyed in your enchantment. “Because it is supposed to be one of the most exquisitely drawn books ever created.” Breathing in, you lift the satisfyingly heavy cover and open to the first pages. What you find is enough to cause the breath you were holding to rush out in a gasp.

“Look….” you whisper. Clavis tries to see what you do. It is an illustration of a garden, full of lush, vivid flowers and leaves in myriad shades of green. On one page is a man, mostly hidden behind bushes, longingly looking to the other page, where a woman is peering at him from around the trunk of a tree, her expression as full of yearning as his.

“Are they playing hide and seek?”

He’s teasing you and you tear your gaze away long enough to shoot him a Look. 

“They are drawn to each other. Look at the details.” Your voice is hushed, soft with reverence. “Look at her eyes, the eyelashes, the shadow across her face. You see how much she wants to go to him in every single line of it. And the plants…look at the veins in the different flower petals. The ground is so detailed you can see each blade of grass.” The tips of your fingers skim the page, admiringly. The beauty of it is almost overwhelming. “And to think, Jin of all people told me about this book.”

You feel Clavis tense underneath you. “Wait, this was a recommendation from Jin?”

“Mm hm.” You carefully turn the page and then blink. The man and the woman have left the protective shadows of the trees and are crossing the clearing to meet one another. And they are both completely naked. Your lips part but no sound comes out. Clavis’s eyes light up like solar flares, delightfully surprised.

“Dearie me, that is definitely exquisite detail.” 

You remove your hand from the page, clearing your throat. “It….certainly is….accurate.”

Clavis reaches around you, poking at the naked woman with his finger. “Just look at those–” You swat his hand away from her, eyes narrowing slightly.

“It is a rare book. You shouldn’t be touching it.”

His grin could light up your entire cottage in the midst of the darkest winter.

“You were just touching all those leaves and flowers on the previous page.”

You ignore that and quickly turn the page. What greets you is not the man and woman embracing. Or perhaps that is in there. Somewhere. Somewhere among the many illustrations of the man and the woman in the clearing. Still naked. But now in various positions. Still in incredibly realistic detail.

You catch a glimpse of raised legs and bent knees and open mouths and tongues and fingers and body parts that usually would not be so readily and merrily exposed to the world.

A squeak leaps from your throat. You turn, the book falling to the floor as you grab hold of Clavis and bury your face in his neck, your cheeks burning. His arms tighten around you, one hand coming up to hold the back of your head against him.

“Oh, darling. That was a bit much. All at once like that. It’s ok. It’s ok.” You hear the laughter winding its way through his words but you don’t care. You simply hold on to him, eyes squeezed shut as if that would remove the images now burned into your mind.

He strokes your hair soothingly, voice still bubbling with amusement. “You didn’t stop to wonder why Jin of all people would recommend a book?”

Clutching his neck with one hand, face still pressed against him, you slowly shake your head, your heart finally coming down from its burst of fluttering.

“I thought….I thought he was being nice.”

Clavis glances down at the book now laying face down on the wooden floor. “Perhaps he was? Didn’t any of that look-”

“NO!”

He laughs again, squeezing you against him in pure delight. “Oh, my sweet little bunny.” With a tenderness most would not think him capable of, he pries your warm face away from his neck, his fingers lovingly holding your chin. “Look at you. Speechless and flustered. All from some drawings in a book.”

You huff out a breath of air, unable to stop the slight pout now on your lips.

“Wouldn’t it be so much more fun,” he murmurs as he leans forward, brushing his lips against your still flushed cheek, the sensitive line of your jaw, “if you were speechless and flustered,” he is now the one with his face against your neck, his lips leaving a line of small, atomic kisses down its slope, “because of me?”

Tagging: @aquagirl1978 @alixennial @alexxavicry @queengiuliettafirstlady @rhodolitesrose @ikemen-prince-writers-posts @bellerose-arcana @thewitchofbooks @redheadkittys @dear-mrs-otome @firestar-otomeobsessed @curious-skybunny @kpop-and-otome @mxrmaid-poet @silver-dahlia @wendolrea @otomefoxystar @neoqueen-sailorvirgo @myonlyjknight @queen-dahlia @aceuuuuu @scorchieart @bubblexly

[pedropascalunofficial]

STORY TIME - THE FANDOM STAIN

My response to THIS post from stainsofpascal/thesweetestdecline earlier today

@thesweetestdecline

I am going to number these since you’re going to get tired.

1.      FAKE IG ACCOUNT

You said I made a fake account in your name on IG? No. That fake stainsofpascal account isn't me. I'm in Ireland. We don't have Threads in Europe. And a VPN can't get around that. Please check your receipts before wasting all of our time with this bullshit narrative you're trying to deflect with.

2.   LONG POSTS

You complained that my posts are long. That's because your bullshit is prolific. I don’t mess around. I like to give detailed accounts of what’s happening with receipts to back it up so ppl can clearly see what's going on in the fandom they're now ashamed to be part of. It's also to prevent ppl like you from deflecting by saying your accusers are "crazy" or "obsessed" with you. The receipts don't lie even though you’d like ppl to believe they do.

3.   “BOT ATTACK” ON IG

You accused me of attacking you on IG? No. I haven’t done shit on IG. I haven’t attacked your stainsofpascal or thesweetestdecline accounts. You realise I’m just the loudest of many, many ppl who wonder why you're in the fandom?! Getting you suspended would only feed your need to be seen as an underdog. I’d rather watch all this play out as ppl wake up to your clout chasing. It's not me or my friends who will be your downfall. You'll manage that just fine by continuing your bullshit.

4.  FOLLOWER COUNT ANOMALIES

You’re gas. Always playing the victim to deflect from your own misdeeds. Are you ever going to explain any of the unusual increases in follows or would you like us all to ignore the fact you can get 400 in a matter of hours and drop 500 the next day? Should we believe your version of accounts because you're...... an upstanding member of this community? Stop trying to compare your jumps in followers on your stainsofpascal IG account with other ppls. Your account numbers go up and down faster than a whores knickers on Paddy’s Day in Times Square. No one else has this but you and your dodgy minions who hid their dodgy numbers in a recent attempt to hide their ratios.

5.      COME CLEAN

What have I done in this fandom? I'll admit it (again). I bought Pedro’s white pages and socials info via a website. That was stupid. I regret doing it. What was really stupid was that I shared some of it thinking it was for a laugh and your mate, (let's call her Ms Peacock) used it to trade with ppl across the fandom to gain clout and to gain more information about Pedro. I've tried to make amends but it's far too late as it snowballed into much bigger information getting traded. So to attempt to make amends, I decided to get closer to the psychos and report back. Shitty, I know, but at least the right ppl know about the stalking bullshit and Pedro can protect himself better.

6.  MS PEACOCK AND STALKER REDDIT

After sharing his old info with you and Ms Peacock, I realised neither of you were looking into Pedro's old info just out of curiosity. You were tracking him and his friends around like they’re characters in a story. It’s my bad for not noticing the crazy when it was staring me in the face.  I shared info which was traded from person to person in exchange for info that has been used to help Ms Peacock not just stalk Pedro online but get physically closer to him. First, driving past his old house and now, three years later, she’s living "#twoblocksaway" from his gym according to a recent post. Zero shame.

I shouldn't be surprised since she used to frequent his actual neighbourhood even though it was a three hour round trip from her town. Before all that, she told us she used his personal email for a project where a group of us had raised money to adopt an elephant for his birthday. I never did get the info on the elephant since she dipped on the group chat after getting what she wanted. Ms Peacock traded info some of us had given her with others in turn for more info and clout. Just like a fandom Gollum. We didn’t realise that stuff we shared was being traded so it could be added to in order to feed her need to feel near him and grow her influence here. You’ve been part of supporting that behaviour too. When Ms Peacock asked you to find out where Pedro was one day, you went straight to the airline staff and lied about possibly being on the flight in an attempt to get the flight details. You ran right back and gave her what you had. I hope you realise we’ve all been played. Some of us learned our lesson and tried to be better but you stayed with her and you guys took it to another level. When you ran out of info, you created a stalker reddit where you share info you gather through lies and deceit with some real psychos in the fandom. I hadn't realised what I fed into until I saw the levels you guys cranked it up to. Now I see what a bit of info in the wrong hands can snowball into. I have a lot of regret about that. (I also have receipts)

Do you regret being part of that? Have you even stopped tracking him?

7.   CHASING CLOUT

Some of us did some of the stuff you continue to do but we woke up and realised this shit isn't a game. YOU and your shitty friends levelled up and are fucking with ppls lives. You treat him like shit for clout and not because you want him to be a successful human being. You need to grow up and admit that to yourself. Impossible though right?! Coz then you might lose clout. That is why you're here right?!

If it's not, then why?

TO CREATE COMMUNITY?

I've seen screenshots of your IG posts and what type of community you're cultivating in your comments. Ppl who shit on Pedro's career, his sexuality, his physical appearance, and you've collected a fine assortment of fandom psychos all sharing your posts. You feed them with likes even when their comments are hate filled. Ppl have noticed.

TO STALK PEDROS FRIENDS?

You've posted about contacting Pedro's friends through social media. Going so far as to add trackers to your Tumblr and watch their online status on Instagram. (I’ve got receipts)

TO INTERFERE PEDROS FRIENDS?

You’ve admitted reaching out to Pedro’s old friends. They’re said they’ve unknowingly given information to stalkers they've had to add extra layers of security to their social media. They aren’t there to be used as “sources” during playtime. (I’ve got receipts)

TO STALK PEDRO?

You guys contact his friends, hotel and airline staff for more info on his whereabouts. (I’ve got receipts) If that's not stalking then what do you call it?

TO SUPPORT PEDRO?

Pedro is the punchline of your account. You encourage ppl to drag him by liking their hate filled comments. What’s that about? It would be cute if you weren’t also stalking him but publicly negging the fuck out of you’re victim is a bit tasteless, no?

8.      OBSESSED

You say I'm "obsessed" with you and you've "done nothing to my friends"? No, try, a lot of other ppl in the fandom and I are sick of your holier than thou act when we’ve seen you abuse and attack ppl competing accounts who did nothing to you. You can't fuck up ppls lives and expect to skip off into the sunset. You do shitty things, refuse to acknowledge them and continue to be the best example of what's wrong with this fandom and why it has the reputation it does.

9. WHY DO I "COME FOR YOU"?

I challenge you because you came at others first and like magic, shit hit the fan for them.

Early on you were copying Aude’s style of posting. It's undeniable that your posts were very similar. No one really cared but ppl talked about it in forums and someone sent an anon to @pedrohub who decided to post it for some reason🤔. You decided to attack her in a reblog and accuse her "friends" of sending poorly spelled hate. Then you gaslight her all because she had....stopped liking your posts as much as before. Like wtf?

Then you blamed Arte for hateful anons you were getting. You said it was her because she had blocked you. You said it was definitely she because she's from Ohio (btw Arte doesn’t talk about being from Ohio so how did you know that?), ignoring the fact another fan is from Ohio and is well known in the fandom to send vicious hateful anons (let's call her Wendys License-Plates Girl). You didn't like Artes reason for disliking you and your account. She blocked you so she just didn’t have to see you. She had never said anything bad about you at that point. You produced screenshots of conversations which were had after you accused her but you ran with them as your "evidence" that she had it out for you in dms and was directing a campaign of hate against you. When nothing came of that, you then blamed her for getting you blocked by Sebastiano Mauri because you.....liked her dog pic? Again wtf. There's a trend brewing here.

You created these monsters in your head and you took your anger out on unsuspecting fan accounts. Meanwhile, you were posting shit ppl just weren't feeling and stalking SM in dms. You were tracking him and baiting him to speak to you so you could see his activity tracker in IG. I was the one who got you blocked for your fucking stalker bullshit coz you bragged about it.

You blamed Arte and Aude for bullshit you made up in your paranoid mind. You were told they were innocent by the person you suspectdd of ratting you out but you chose to doggedly go after both of THEM AND NOT ME. Talking shit in dms with whoever would listen. Spinning your usual holier than thou victim routine.

Now, let’s see….

Who has magically lost their account – pascalisfrenchpunk

Who has magically received a death threat – artedepascal (also runs mh_creatives on IG)

Who was bore witness to your bullshit, Known to be friends with Aude and Arte, Known to have connections to get info to Pedro?

Me.

Why didn’t you ever target me since you had vague posted about me being a rat? You knew I got kicked out of the stalker reddit once the Fleetwoods-rumours blog got published for the guys to read.

But...

I don't use IG so I guess you didn't see me as a threat to your clout chasing on there. You only went for ppl with competing IG accounts because all you want is to be noticed by Pedro and to be the Queen Clout Chaser of the fandom.

NO ONE WAS RUNNING A CAMPAIGN OF HATE BUT I SURE WAS COLLECTING A COLLAGE OF YOUR BULLSHIT TO HELP YOUR VICTIMS.

If you have missed who the fans are that are giving this fandom a reputation for being psychos, please see the Story Time series (so far) below✌️

[atopearth]

Norn9: Last Era Part 1 - Prelude

I have been wanting to play this fandisc ever since I finished the main game, but I had to finish Amnesia: Later first so I literally had to stop myself from dropping everything for it hahaha. Anyway, to say I'm excited is an understatement because I am SO ready. Personally, I'm planning on starting with Senri or Heishi because they're my least favourites but I'll see, I might alternate with guys I kinda like so I don't get bored haha. Nagisa is pretty! I'm actually so glad we're getting more background on Masamune and the island because we basically knew nothing about it in the original game. As for Masamune's uncle, definitely a genius scientist for making the hiyoko-san! Who doesn't want adorable little chicks cleaning and cooking and even navigating a ship?! I mean if it's going to be functional and practical, why not be cute as well?! I believe in the importance of cuteness and I approve. Anyway, it's nice to finally see "adults" in this world aside from Yuiga. Lmao at Masamune being surprised at how many hiyoko there actually were on the ship hahahah. I find it amusing that the Hiyocook wasn't actually good at cooking tasty food until Masamune gave it a cook book haha. It's also interesting but sad to know that the hiyoko actually can't remember too many things and that Masamune actually has to delete recipes if he wants Hiyocook to cook something else. They're robots, but seeing stuff like Hiyocook getting dejected that Masamune didn't like its' cooking and then becoming happy when Masamune said the food is delicious, isn't that enough for you to care about them?

I guess it's nice to know that just as everyone else came on the Norn unsure of what to expect and how to interact with others, Masamune was also worried about talking to people outside of the island. I think it was sweet of him to be considerate towards Kakeru and want him to be able to relax here. Ooh so you have to go through the whole Prelude with all the characters perspectives before you can go to the individual story! I like that because it's very interesting to me right now. Is the sister Masamune is talking about Nagisa, and her brother is Natsuhiko? I never thought about it until now but their hair colour is the same isn't it! I know people aren't that fond of Masamune but I really love him. I love how he prioritises others before himself without any hesitation, and I think it's exactly because of that, that Kakeru can't help but open up and like him for who he is as well. Since there's only nine squares, I assume we won't get to the girls' perspectives, which is sad because I would have liked to see their initial impressions too even if some bits and pieces may have already been shown.

Even though Mikoto is harsh as usual, seeing her so concerned and worried about Sakuya reminds me of how much I liked them together. I can see why Kakeru has always been irked by Mikoto considering her attitude when she first arrived on the Norn, especially when he cooked for everyone and she didn't appreciate it at all and instead said pretty harsh words. I can't blame him for disliking her at all haha😅 Both Sakuya and Mikoto are stubborn, but I like seeing Sakuya who usually dotes on Mikoto and would do anything for her be strict with her and not budge on her ruining her health by not eating. Mikoto is a true tsundere that cares about people too much for her own good even if she doesn't express it well. Honestly, I never really thought too deeply about the story of Rapunzel but I do agree with Sakuya to an extent that the witch was "protecting" Rapunzel in her own way whether those were her true intentions or not. Natsuhiko, Setsu and Ron chilling on the ship together was such a nice CG, I actually quite like their relationship. I didn't expect Ron and Natsuhiko to have known each other for eight years! It's sad to think about how tough Natsuhiko's life was after leaving the island and how his desire to stop the Reset was the only thing fuelling him. Lmao at Natsuhiko being so sweet and packing Ron's bags for him when he leaves for the Norn, it's so funny how he packs stuff like cold medicine haha, he's too cute! Natsuhiko really is like a mother or wife haha, I love how he told Ron to keep his hands to himself and wear pajamas to bed🤣 I thinks it's nice to see that just as Natsuhiko was interested in Mikoto after seeing photos of her during his investigation, Ron was also interested in Nanami even though it's mainly because he knew she had the power to erase memories.

Personally, I will always agree with Natsuhiko's thoughts and feelings towards the Reset because it's ridiculous to control how the world should be, it's egotistic and forces your own ideals on the world itself. Also, in the end, the fact that they keep doing multiple Resets already goes to show it does nothing but merely reset things to a certain time but humans don't change how they act and the decisions they make. If they don't remember, they won't learn and if they don't learn, they will always do the same thing thinking it's the right way. Ron throwing away the bag Natsuhiko so thoughtfully prepared was so sad but so him. I didn't expect Ron's name to come from Mahjong though lol. Lmao, I can't help but love Hiyocook, it's so dedicated to cooking and gets dejected when it's Akito's turn now that he's come aboard the ship hahahaha.

I really enjoy seeing the guys interact and learn things from each other considering their various different backgrounds, especially Sakuya, I'm happy for him that he gets to experience a bit more of the world with Kakeru and Akito teaching him things. Lmao at Akito scared of cracking eggs because he's worried a little chick will come out of it🤣🤣 HAHAHA, Akito being scared of birds because he met a peacock who ended up trying to court him by following him 24/7 and leaving him bugs and stuff on his doorstep is so silly!!🤣🤣 Akito meeting Senri for the first time in six years and not being able to call out his name because Senri didn't remember him broke my heart. It was obvious that Akito was good at cooking because he wanted to cook delicious food for Senri but hearing him say it really warms my heart. He's always done everything he could to protect and love Senri but they were forced to be separated in such a terrible way. It was so sweet how Akito actually talked to Hiyocook and swapped shifts so he could cook for Senri, poor Akito faced his fears did Senri! Even though I do acknowledge that Kakeru can go a bit too far sometimes (also Senri's fault sometimes tbh), when he got Senri to say that the food was delicious louder so Akito could hear it, I was so happy for Akito. And honestly, if Kakeru wasn't so drastic, Senri really might just stay in his room forever being babied by Masamune and them who would bring him food.

I feel bad for Mikoto, can totally understand why she was scared of Itsuki, his first impression is definitely the worst haha. Lmao, I love how Ron's comment about thinking that Itsuki was some sort of prostitute made all the girls avoid him🤣 Legit ruined his reputation with one word. HAHAHA, Itsuki definitely deserved the flying kick from Sakuya when he asked Mikoto to meow🤣 LMAO at Itsuki thinking Senri was a zashiki warashi (child ghost) because he never realised he existed😂😂 I've always wondered about Senri's tattoo on his face but since they never addressed it, I just thought of it as some sort distinction to make him look less plain haha, but knowing that the adults in the village basically did it to brand him and always recognise him so he can never run away just makes me all the more disgusted with them. They tried to kill Akito and branded Senri for their livelihoods thinking that just because they needed them to live, it was all right to do these things because it was a matter of life and death. It was actually pretty funny how when Sakuya wasn't feeling good after seeing the future, Senri got Ron to help and Ron was basically useless and just kept wondering how he should pull himself together and be a proper adult like Senri told him he should hahahha.

I was actually wondering why it felt so quiet, I completely forgot about Heishi! I can't remember if it was ever told, but I really didn't realise that Heishi was part of a travelling entertainment troupe playing the flute before he came on the Norn! I can see why Itsuki cares for Heishi so much in his route now. He was the one who gave Itsuki the push he needed to see his sister's grave and make him realise that there are things more important than just listening to The World and going along with things using excuses like it can't be helped. It's also nice to see Nanami get to break out of her shell with Heishi because he just does whatever he wants. I always felt like Heishi was the one who helped Nanami get out of her shell the most so I was disappointed when I actually didn't like his route, but hopefully this will be better considering I'm really enjoying the Prelude! I really like how the three hour train ride (one way) was how the three of them started playing cards together and getting along haha! I knew Itsuki's sister's body wasn't in the grave but I never thought that it was because her body got incinerated since people didn't know what her illness was and thought it might be contagious. That is certainly something cruel to have to face with every time he visits the grave, it must hurt to think he couldn't stop it and couldn't even save the house or their belongings, that is so terrible. They basically razed everything that reminds him of his life with his sister. I think it was really sweet of Heishi's Grandpa and Seiji to give Heishi so much money in hope that he could run away and live a free life for himself instead of being shackled to The World. It's sad to think that Heishi has nothing important to him so he thinks it's pointless to run away to somewhere he doesn't even know, but I think his decision is right in that by being beside Mikoto and them, there's a chance he'll find a way of life he wants to live, and that by interacting with others who understand and know his powers, he can learn to accept that it's a part of him instead of just calling it an illness. I've always liked how Heishi gave his tie to Nanami, it's so cute. I liked how Masamune scolded them for coming back so late and Kakeru called him a dad hahaha. I think I especially liked it because Nanami, Itsuki and Heishi have never really experienced something like that where their parents would be so worried about them coming home so late and shout at them, it's endearing haha, not everyone gets to experience that normal concern and love.

Overall, I really liked the Prelude! I kinda hoped to see more of Masamune's part with the scientists but oh well, I still enjoyed seeing everyone's perspectives. I personally enjoyed seeing how Heishi, Itsuki and Nanami's relationship developed from the beginning the most, but I think it was also really cute to see how Kakeru always flusters Masamune and what kind of feelings Masamune had as the first one on the ship waiting for everyone to board. But yeah, I really just enjoyed watching everyone pop up one by one filling up the ship as they all became the rowdy bunch they were when Koharu joined. The extra insight into everyone's thoughts and feelings as they all left things behind once they stepped on to the Norn for their various reasons was interesting to watch and I honestly can't wait to see more of their stories!

[aerodaltonimperial]

The Attic Expedition AU

(never heard of this in my life, so... you get this LMAO)

Hook's seen some pretty bad hoarders before, but this...this reaches a whole new level. He surveys the attic, shoved to the brim with so much junk he can't even identify most of it, as his stomach sinks down to his feet. He so is not going to make it out of Louisiana before mosquito season starts.

"Yeah," Ricky says. He winces, but he does not look nearly as apologetic as he should. "This'll be a tough one." He slaps Hook on the back. "Good luck, rookie; we'll call in about a week and see how you're doing."

"I hate you," Hook tries, weakly, which is thoroughly ignored as Ricky tromps back down the steps. He turns back to the mess. Jesus, he's probably going to be buried alive when this shit falls on him.

The first day, he clears out barely a square foot of space and nearly fills the dumpster they'd hauled in. That night, he has to call to get the collection company to come empty it. The second day, he gets a little further, but still hasn't found anything valuable. It's all just junk.

But on the third day, he stumbles upon an old chest at the bottom of a heap, covered with dust and decidedly locked. Hook bashes the padlock off with a pair of garden shears.

Problem is, it's empty when he opens it. "The fuck?" he asks to the stale attic air.

"No swearing," says someone from behind him. Hook whirls, hands up in fists in case he needs to start swinging. There's a guy sitting on a precarious pile of old board games on the other side of the room. He waves a little. "Hello."

"What the hell?" Hook gasps. "Where did you come from?"

The guy nods at the box at Hook's feet. "You opened it."

"What?" Hook asks, thoroughly confused.

The guy hops down from the pile, shoving his hands down in his pockets. He's wearing strangely out-of-date clothes, like he went shopping in the 1950s, but he's got blue eyes straight out of a romance novel. He's good-looking, kind of alarmingly so. "It was locked for a reason."

Okay, creepy. Hook bends down to grab for the garden shears again, and holds them up, hoping he looks like he means business. "Don't come any closer. I'll cut your fingers off."

"Tough guy," the man says. He raises one hand, waggling said digits like an invitation.

"Where did you come from?" Hook demands.

"I already told you," is the answer, along with a shrug. "As for all the other ones you want to ask, yes, I'm definitely dangerous. Can't you tell?"

"You look normal, dude. Nice vintage threads."

This seems to surprise him. The man puts a hand to his face, and then, when he doesn't encounter what he apparently thinks should be there, another. His eyes widen. "Huh. That's a first."

"What am I supposed to be seeing?" Hook asks.

"The demon." The man stares at him, no longer menacing his way forward. "No one's ever seen past that."

These riddles are getting obnoxious. Hook's got a job to do. "What does that mean?"

"I...don't know." The man huffs out a little laugh. "I'm, uh, Danhausen."

"Is that a name?" Hook asks.

"It's the one I've been using since I turned, so, yes. Normally it fits better."

"Sure, right." Hook puts the shears down. He's reasonably sure at this point the guy isn't going to attack him. "Well, I've got a lot of work ahead of me, so..." He gestures at the mess still clinging to every corner of the attic.

The guy, Danhausen, looks around, almost like he's seeing everything for the first time. "I'd say so."

"You gonna help, or just stand there?"

Danhausen blinks owlishly at him. "Help?"

"Yeah, dude. Would be nice if you could assist in some way, y'know?"

"Well, I guess...why not?" Danhausen grabs for the nearest box, and they work quietly for the next few hours, as Hook checks every ten minutes or so to make sure he's still there and that he hasn't turned into some kind of a demon. (He never does. Hook takes him out for tacos at the end of the day, and it's the weirdest not-weird date he's ever been on.)

[adoracora-elizabeth]

The truth always comes out, chapter 24

Rosamund arrived at Dower house. She was not sure how much Violet knew already. Her butler, Alastair opened the door and guided Rosamund towards Violet´s sitting room.

"My lost daughter found the time to travel here once again.

"Mama." Rosamund said agitated. "I come quite regular."

Violet only huffed. "What brings you here today, and did you bring Cora back home?"

Rosamund sat down and took the cup that Alastair handed her. She waited for him to leave the room. You never knew how fast he would tell the story in the big house. "No, she is still in Belgrave square."

"Is she ever coming back, or has she given up?"

Rosamund swallowed, she hated that her mother still spoke ill about Cora. Even after all these years where Cora had proved to be perfect for Robert and the running of the house. "You know Cora came to London for her health. She needed more rest; she was not getting here at Downton."

"Women these days are so weak. A simple cold and she first almost dies and then needs weeks to recover."

Rosamund sighed and decided not to react. "There is another reason why Cora is still in London."

Violet raised her eyebrows. "Oh?"

"Robert, well." Rosamund was not sure where to start. She decided to be blunt. "Robert cheated on Cora and she found out."

It stayed silent, Violet moved the little spoon back and forth in her cup. "How did she find out?"

This question surprised Rosamund. "She found a letter that was addressed to Robert from the other woman."

"So, she was going through his things. I thought their relationship was based on trust, but Cora did not trust her husband?"

"Mama, you know Cora is not like that." Rosamund started to get really irritated.

Violet only looked at Rosamund.

"The letter was brought to her on purpose, opened and all. The reason Cora read it, was because Robert had made a lot of fuss about a letter that he lost that same afternoon. He almost fired Daisy, because of that letter."

"That poor girl, how did she get wrapped up in this?"

"You have to ask Robert that, I only know what they told me."

"They?" Violet asked.

"Both Robert and Cora have talked to me last weekend. I have heard Robert's side and I heard Cora's side."

"And on what side are you now?"

Rosamund thought about that for a second. "I am on neither side. They both made mistakes here, but I understand Cora. I also understand where Robert came from. I only hoped he could had been stronger; he would not be in the mess he is in right now."

Violet rang for her butler. "I think I need something stronger than tea to hear the rest of your story."

Alastair brought in two glasses of Brandy and left again.

"Go on, I know there is more you need to tell me." Violet said after taking a sip of her drink.

"Cora wants to divorce Robert."

"Well, she cannot. Cora just has to learn how to deal with what has happened." Violet said resolute.

"Mama, we are not living in 1920 where women just had to accept bad behaviour of their men. Robert really hurt her and broke the trust bond they had."

"Do the girls know?" Violet asked.

"Not yet." Before Rosamund could continue, Violet said.

"If they do not tell them, I will."

"Cora wanted to come with me today and tell the girls, I told her that she and Robert better wait a couple of days, so they would both be less emotional about it."

"You mean, Cora would be less emotional about it. Her American blood is not helping is it."

Again, Rosamund decided to ignore her mother's words. "The girls already feel something is wrong."

"I need to talk to my son, when is Cora coming back?"

"She has not set a date yet to come here. She is finally feeling better, so I think she wants to travel soon."

Violet got up. "Let us not waist any more time. Is Robert in the house?"

Rosamund also got up. "I do not know, Mama, I came here directly after the train."

+++

"Grandmama, Aunt Rosamund? What a surprise, we were not excepting you." Edith said welcoming them. "Where is Mama?" She asked, looking over Rosamund's shoulder.

Rosamund kissed her cheek. "Your mother needed a little bit more rest, before she will travel."

"She is alright. Is she not?"

Rosamund padded her hand. "She is doing well, her lungs have cleared up, now it is just time to get some of her energy back. She will be here soon." Rosamund knew she was telling a lie, but she had to for this moment.

"Where is your father?" Violet asked brusque.

Edith was taken aback for a second. "I am not sure these days. He is or drinking in the drawing room or he is in Mama's room doing who knows what."

"He is outside with the dog Milady." Carson said.

"Get him inside please, I need to see him in private in the drawing room."

"Yes Milady, can I bring you some tea in there?"

"Make that a whiskey for his lordship and a tea for me."

"Edith, can you show me the article you are working on?" Rosamund said to distract her and get her away from the great hall.

"Oh, Aunt Rosamund, this is so exciting. The magazine wrote back, and they want to publish it."

"How exciting indeed.” Rosamund looked at her mother walking towards the drawing room. She was not sure if Robert was going to get his ears washed, or that she was going to support him. Whatever it would be, he would be in for a good talk. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14247899/24/The-truth-always-comes-out

[titoist]

i guess i find it… sort of embarrassing & baffling - the extent to which my discomfort with the nighttime has recently (by which i mean gradually over the past ~year) exacerbated to an almost childlike degree, reminiscent (if only superficially) of a child afraid of the dark. i feel an almost chronic discomfort at any time after 6 pm. scratch that - i feel a sense of relief when i look over to my window & see that it is still daytime, but this relief is nonetheless perennially underlined by a sort of churning, torturous awareness in my stomach, a kind of dread, a feeling that the current daytime might as well just be an in-between phase between last night & tonight. (for the purposes of my mind's neuroticism, anyway.) even if it seems deeply ungracious to not attempt to savor it just because it is terminally impermanent - a manner of thinking which can be applied to essentially everything.

i guess it could be said that this has been gradually developing like a latent seed in my mind ever since the finalization of the moving-out of the old apartment. 4 stories high in the very centre of the figurative metropole - even in the deep A.M, the outside world was high & alive with lights, drunks, yelling, laughter, the sound of cars & the swaying of the tree directly outside of my window as visual insulation from it all. it never "turned to night" so much as the outside world simply… 'got a few degrees darker', at a certain, almost arbitrary point in time. now, the turn of day heralds the occurrence of 'nothing', the cessation of any continuation. it is an abrupt & invasive absence of anything. it feels, at risk of sounding melodramatic, like the world dies.

this is why i have developed a habit of keeping my curtains drawn until well in the afternoon. the dim light filtering through reminds me viscerally of the experiential character behind "the morning" - so long as i do not pull them back, that experience can last for however long i want it to. but eventually with extended usage i run the risk of simply normalizing it as the default mode of affairs rather than being a way to experience "the morning", so i'll simply end up back at square one. except instead i'll just feel horrible when there's no light behind the curtain.

by no means is it surprising that all of my notable breakdowns took place in the awkward transition between summer and winter, where i am suddenly forced to reacquaint myself with the crushing suffocation of it almost being dark out at 4 pm.