#but what about their gothic friend with a big fuck you gun

[a-very-cute-snake]

[thehauntedinfirmary]

Fic Rec Friday Edition 24

Welcome to Fic Rec Friday! We're in the mood for some longfics for this cozy December evening, so settle in and read along!

Hell for the Holidays by ma_malice Complete | 23k words

“There will be no sacrifice,” Shane said for the third time since they’d landed in Illinois. “Not so much as a chicken. Stop being weird.” Shane takes Ryan home for the holidays. It goes about as well as you’d expect.

Santa Daddies by drunkkenobi Complete | 3k words

“I really think we should just tell her,” Shane argued. “Kids find out anyway, might as well have our girl be ahead of the class.” “Shane, she’s three!” Ryan shot back. “All kids should believe in Santa at three!” Or: Ryan and Shane vs The Santa Problem

The Young and the Hopeless by mccxxvi Complete | 54k words

He lifted the towel to wipe his small mirror, when he saw it. There was writing on the mirror, a single word wiped into the condensation, written with a finger, a set of tidy, straight letters. Alexander. Ryan almost screamed. The ghost wanted Ryan to find his murderer and bring him to the light. Alexander must have been whoever murdered him. Ryan sighed, resigned to be the detective responsible for it. “Fine, I’ll find this Alexander you want. But I don’t know what to do afterwards,” he said to his empty room. A 1960s Professor!Shane/PhDstudent!Ryan gothic novel flavored AU fic, because i know a market gap when i see one.

A Ghoul's Guide to Life, Death & Afterliving by MercurySkies Complete | 70k words

'Shane was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that, to quote ‘the’ Charles Dickens with an emphasis on the 'dick'. They didn’t tell you the great Victorian novelist was also a grade A asshole in high school but then again what do they tell you in high school? Shane Madej was dead, as dead as one disembodied soul standing seemingly above his own corpse probably can be.'

The Last Days Of The Bergara Gang by PhyllisDietrichson Complete | 41k words

“Plus,” and he smiles with all of his white teeth, “if we’d left you there much longer to cardsharp that crew, likely your night would have ended with a knife to the throat.” He reaches out as if to graze his fingers over Shane’s clavicle, then remembers himself at the last minute. His hand hovers in the air. “And what a shame it would be, to mar that throat.” “Do you—what do you want, Bergara?” Shane stammers out. He winces at the waver in his voice. “You,” he responds, his eyes sweeping up to meet him with a gaze that pierces Shane between the ribs.

hey boy, take a look at me by weakspots Complete | 18k words

Ryan is 27, for Christ’s sake, and he’s not exactly hideous, so there’s really no reason to spend his money on a dude — a dude — whose face he’ll never see but whose livestreams he’s been jerking off to for roughly 4 months now. He should be going out and partying and fucking random chicks. Or a guy, whatever, just to get it out of his system and confirm to himself that he really is 100% straight. Because he is. This is morbid curiosity, if anything.

Whatever The Opposite Of Lesbian Sheep Syndrome Is by orphan_account Complete | 9k words

Shane was the one who kissed, not the one who was kissed. Shane was the one who did the holding, not the one who was held, and that was fine.

made it so far in time by addandsubtract Complete | 12k words

“I’m, uh. I’m pretty sure the you I’m friends with is older,” Ryan says, and then winces.

use somebody by bodhirookes Complete | 10k words

“You’re the most obnoxious person I’ve ever met,” Shane says over the sound of Ryan’s workout noises, which are equal parts distracting and hideous. “Why can’t you just be a lazy asshole like the rest of us?” “I have a figure and reputation to maintain,” Ryan grits out, not even pausing to look at him. “Can’t be a big, bad ghost hunter without my guns.” Or, Shane has a thing for Ryan's muscles and Ryan has a thing for Shane having a thing.

a child's answer by deerie Complete | 2k words

“You know, it’s kind of sad about the Queen Mary,” Ryan says as they make their way to the mess hall. “That’s where I saw a ghost for the first time.” Shane stares at him incredulously. Ryan can tell that he wants to say something, but is refraining. He’ll have to find the video of the tube of toothpaste being knocked off the counter as proof to show Shane. Ryan remembers the panic he felt in that moment: the revelation that something existed outside of the realm of what he understood. It’s the same feeling that he had when the Kaiju first appeared, thrashing and tearing and ripping buildings and bridges to shreds.

A Symptom of Time by fightingfuries WIP | 12k words

"Sure," Shane says easily like he doesn't believe Ryan for a second. "You're living out the plot of the 1993 Bill Murray vehicle Groundhog Day. Now where does the kissing factor in, exactly?" "You were all like 'I'm Shane, I don't believe in magic but you should find a tall brunette to kiss.’" Shane laughs again, helplessly. "I'm the tall brunette? I obviously meant Andie McDowell." He catches himself. "If I had said that, which I didn't, because time loops aren't real."

Want to learn more about The Haunted Infirmary? Check out our pinned post!

[ellvsun]

Haunting Adeline Review

Where do I even begin? I feel like I’m going to be crucified for posting this review as it seems like a lot of people are big fans of this book. Please remember that this is my opinion only and i wish to not be executed for this.

To start off with, nothing was relatable. Adeline’s weird mum was relatable, I can definitely say i’m in the same shoes BUT it just goes downhill from there. I can’t lie and say her manor isn’t cool as fuck, I want a house like that. She’s living my gothic dream. Nothing really stood out to me in the first chapter.

I’m going to be honest, this review was written a while ago so my memory about where the plot goes is hazy but her discovering her great grandmothers diary hidden somewhere in the attic? Or in the walls like and seeing ghosts? Why do the ghosts never appear again, honestly I wanted to see more of them. I love ghosts.

THEN the stalker appears. Oohhhh so mysterious, so scary so- oh no he was JUST revealed!!! I felt like I hardly had any time to really feel any unease because Zade was revealed so early on. Leaving roses and whiskey glasses on the countertops or places she wouldn’t have expected them, I liked that. A sense of danger but it was all revealed just way too soon and it kind of ruined it for me. I just really wish this was stretched on for longer because I was highly disappointed over this.

And then she becomes hell bent on trying to solve her great grandmother’s affair like girl jUST LEAVE IT ALONE IT DOESN’T MATTER. I could be the insensitive one here but it felt like such a REACH trying to tie her great grandmother’s story to her. She had an affair with a stalker and now Adeline fancies her like history repeats itself but not like this!!! Definitely not Iike this. H. D. Carlton really didn’t give Adeline a fighting chance to begin with.

It also just felt like everything between Adeline and Zade was moving way too fast. One moment, he’s this mysterious stalker who leaves things around, next he’s just being weird and gross and it’s so FRUSTRATING that Adeline just accepts it and her fight against Zade is pretty pathetic. I never rooted for Adeline especially how she didn’t have more inner turmoils when Zade did the things he did to her. Like the gun and always forcing sex on her? It wasn’t consensual but don’t forget my guys she just is into it man I don’t know.

What was also frustrating was her weird sense of “bravery”. I don’t think that Adeline has any common sense at all. I it were a horror movie, she’d be most likely to die first. It always stuck with me how she would just use to danger and then immediately goes “hey god, why did you make me like this?” Like hello?? Miss ma’am? It genuinely was just so hard to read instead of thinking she was funny and cool.

I get with Zane being in his business, Adeline would’ve gotten mixed up in it too but like so soon? I feel like there was a lot during the first book where I just felt so confused about everything. The plot felt like it was moving way too quickly and there was barely anything enjoyable to read and the sex scenes? I get it, it’s a dark book about morally corrupt things and maybe a lot of things we’ve p r o b a b l y thought of but have never ventured into it but like… the book felt like more weird sex scenes over anything actually interesting.

Finding out Zade was taking down pedo rings was pretty cool. Having to become friends and pretend he is also into minors was something that could’ve gone without but I think it was necessary if he needed to retrieve the information he needed. Mark was a sick son of a bitch. I guess all of them are. And then Mark finds an interest in Adeline and just ugh. Human trafficking is honestly so scary to think about especially when it’s real but man, some sick and twisted shit honestly. Sorry, I’m getting off track but Mark sucks and I’m glad he died.

Skipping through everything that didn’t really stand out to me, the last couple of chapters I really enjoyed. I liked that we got more of an in depth look into what Zade does and his mission on infiltrating the Society (spoilers it was a set up)

It also just felt like Zade had too much luck on his side but I guess that’s something you can manipulate in a book. I’m glad that shit went out of his control, if I’m being completely honest here.

Overall, my rating of this book is probably a solid 3.5/10 and I think I’m being generous. The book felt cringe worthy at the best of times, Zade was revealed too early, plot moved too quickly and Adeline’s weird bravery which I didn’t like was off putting. Can I even call it bravery? Anyways I probably would recommend this book to others but I’m on the second book now (promise a review will come through) but yeah, Haunting Adeline was a weird book to read, I probably wouldn’t pick it up again.

[lost-in-the-80s]

Bloodletting part II - Prologue

Words: 1,820k

Summary: Guns n Roses are already known for being dangerous, but how dangerous would they be if they were vampires? Would it be a wiseful decision to fall for one of them?

A/N: Next week the x reader part will start! I’m making a playlist inspired by this (sorry, I just couldn’t hold myself sjdhs). I’ll be posting one part every Tuesday. Also, from now and on, tag list will be at the end of the fic :)

Some initial information: this series will take place in 2020, but without the pandemic. If you already read part 1 (which was posted last year) please ignore any pairs that the boys have had (Slash’s case), here they are all single.

Moodboards | Part I | Part III

Los Angeles, 2016.

“What the fuck died in here?” Izzy asked as he entered Axl’s victorian house in Los Angeles.

It was night outside and all the curtains were closed, putting the entire house in complete darkness. If Izzy wasn’t a vampire, he surely wouldn’t be able to see anything.

The smell of blood and something decomposing had caught his nostrils as soon as he opened the door, making him cover his nose with his hand.

“I did.” Axl’s hoarse voice came from upstairs, he wasn’t yelling, he knew his friend could hear even his breath from the floor below.

Izzy rolled his eyes, starting to climb the stairs. “Yeah, but it was almost a thousand years ago.”

Reaching the second floor, Axl was sitting on the floor, a bottle of Scotch Whisky in his hands as his shirtless figure looked at his friend.

“Shit, when was the last time you took shower?” Izzy wrinkled his nose in disgust.

The redhead shrugged. “Am fuckin tired, Iz.”

“Don’t tell me you’re in that I Hate Myself phase again.” The brunette started walking through the corridors, going in the direction of the decomposing smell that had gotten stronger.

“I fucking do! I hate what I am.”

“It’s useless to hate yourself, we already talked about it.” He stopped in front of a door, the smell was definitely coming from behind it.

“And what am I supposed to do, Isbell?”

Izzy opened the door, covering his nose one more time when he saw the dead body of a girl inside, she didn’t look older than 25 and was dead for at least a couple of hours now. A human would never be able to smell her though.

“Axl, if I know you well, and I like to think I do, this happens every time you’re alone.”

“I’m always alone, Isbell.”

“I told you to go to New York with me last year.” He closed the door, moving closer to the redhead.

“I’m not going to fucking New York.”

“And what are you going to do then? Kill yourself? You know that it’s impossible.”

“Believe me, I know.”

Izzy frowned, squatting down in front of him, a circular bruise on his chest indicated that he had shot himself there, not so long ago.

He shook his head. “When did you do it?”

“Last night.”

“How did it feel?”

“I passed out. Woke up a few minutes later and it fucking hurt, I had to take the fucking bullet out of it. Wasn’t nice.”

“At least it’s almost healed.”

“I’m fucking tired of not feeling anything. Not even this fucking whisky can make me drunk anymore.” He threw the bottle on the other side of the corridor, its glass hitting the wall and breaking in many pieces.

Izzy rubbed his forehead. “That’s it! Pack your stuff, you’re going to New York with me.”

“I’m not fucking daeing that.” He got up, entering his office and getting a cigarette in his wooden box.

“You’re becoming reckless. There’s a body in your house and at some point, someone will miss the girl. It’s not 1720 anymore, they have cameras everywhere now, it’s a matter of days until they find you.”

Axl looked at him, but didn’t say anything.

Izzy removed his blazer, placing it on a chair in front of the desk and removing his tie. “I’m gonna take care of the body, be ready when I’m back.”

---

The flight to New York was quiet, Axl was too proud to thank his friend for helping him and Izzy was in his own world, enjoying the silence in the first class while drinking some gin.

Arriving in the city around midday, they were quite a sight. Izzy in a suit with a long and expensive grey coat over it, matched with his black sunglasses and grey-black hat, while Axl wore a pair of black ripped jeans and a leather jacket, also wearing black sunglasses.

It was winter in New York, as they walked towards the uber who would drive them to Izzy’s new house in the city. A three-floor gothic construction from the XIX century, which he had sent some pictures to Axl via letters, since Axl refused to have a cell phone.

“What the fuck are you doing in New York after all?”

“Business, Axl.”

He knew that Izzy had business in many places, he always knew what to do with his money, no wonders why he was the richest vampire he knew. But the fact that Izzy changed Amsterdam for New York was still something he couldn’t justify.

“And why moving here?”

“There are some cool people around.”

“Since when dae ya care about who’s around?”

“I do feel lonely sometimes too, Axl.”

And then silence was spread in the car again.

After almost an hour, they stopped in front of a huge house, its walls were in exposed brick and the garden in front had some trees that had lost their leaves with the cold weather.

Exiting the car, Izzy stopped on the sidewalk, getting a cigarette from his pack and offering one to Axl, which he silently thanked. He lighted both cigarettes before speaking up:

“There will be some people inside, I want you to be cordial to them.”

Axl scoffed. “And since when ah umnae cordial?” He passed through Izzy, stopping in front of the front door while waiting for the brunette.

Izzy rolled his eyes, but opened the door. The house was in the same way as when he left, the smell of old books and wooden, mixed with a little alcoholic scent, along with a small hint of blood coming from the freezers in the basement.

“Hello, Izzy.” A blonde guy, smaller than them, approached the two of them, he was coming from the kitchen and there was a huge smile on his face. “You must be Axl.”

Axl looked him up and down, scanning his figure. He wore blue jeans and a red bomber jacket.

He can’t be older than 20, Axl thought to himself.

“Ya, I am.” He passed through the blonde, looking at every piece of the house. “Where’s my room, Izzy?”

“Hello, Steven.” Izzy chose to ignore the redhead, moving towards the fireplace room.

“How was your trip?”

“It was good, Steven. Thanks for asking.”

“Is he English like you and Slash? He sounds different.”

Axl averted his eyes to the blonde, with a mortal glare. “Ah umnae fucking English. I’m Scottish!”

“Oh, sorry! Well, but you are all British, so it’s almost the same thing right?” He smiled, trying to start a conversation.

“Izzy, what is this bampot talking about?” Axl started to move towards Steven, but Izzy stopped him.

“Control yourself.” He gave Axl a stern look before taking a long breath.

“You must be Axl. Nice jacket.” Another blonde showed up, he had a pack of chips in his hands and he entered the room. He was taller than the rest of them and looked like he was 21 or 22. He wore black jeans and a denim jacket on top of a grey sweater.

“Yeah.”

“I’m Duff.” He pointed to himself before throwing himself on the couch.

“The guy in the library is Slash, he’s English too.” Izzy pointed towards the library, to which Axl only nodded in understanding. “Come, I’ll show you your room.”

Picking up his suitcase, Axl followed him up the stairs, lots of old pictures of Izzy and his friends were on display on the wall, and Axl almost smiled when he saw a picture of the two of them together.

Izzy stopped at the end of the corridor, opening a door on his right side. Inside the room, the walls were in a cream color and the furniture, the floor was in the darkest shade of wood Izzy could’ve found. There was a huge bed with white sheets and a white big bathroom, with a big mirror inside. The room’s windows gave Axl a view of the front yard and the street.

“Good enough for you?” Izzy asked.

“Ya.” He placed his suitcase on the floor and sat at the edge of the bed, watching as Izzy sat on the white armchair in front of the windows.

“Why did you go after me, Iz?”

Izzy took a deep breath, inhaling the last of his smoke. “I had a dream.” He exhaled the smoke. “You were in a lake and you were drowning, and you didn’t seem to make a move to get out of there.” He paused for a second. “I thought something was wrong with you.”

Axl nodded, staying in silence for a while before speaking up again. “And who are these people?”

“I met Slash on the plane to here, we were sitting next to each other, and we obviously knew what we were. He turned out to be a nice guy, but he had nowhere to stay here, I told him he could stay with me for a while.”

“And what about the other two?”

“Duff’s the owner of a bar, not too far from here, he’s cool, introduced me to some nice music. He used to live in the apartment on top of it, but it needed some reforms, and he’s staying here ever since the reform started.”

“And when will the reform be over?”

“They finished it about 3 months ago.”

“Why is he still here then?”

“Because we’re friends, just like Steven, who’s a friend of Duff’s, he was here all the time, and then I simply decided to tell him to stay permanently.”

“Since when do you care about friends?”

“I know that you’re in a terrible mood, and that the idea of living with other people is strange for you after so many years living alone. But the thing is: we all want the same thing Axl.”

“And what’s that?”

“A family.”

Axl stared into his eyes.

“It’s the only thing we can’t have, and even though we are very different, we are a family, or a clan, or whatever. We miss having people who care for us around, and we miss the feeling of belonging to something. You’ll understand it, not today, but you will some time, and then you’ll be thankful for having these people around you.”

Izzy got up, leaving the room and closing the door behind him, leaving Axl to think about his words.

---

Turns out that Izzy was right. In the first weeks, Axl would stay on his own, only joining during their daily meal and not saying a word. But after a while, he started to loosen up. He and Duff got really along, and he made Axl see the good part of Steven's and Slash’s personality.

And now, after four years living together and being this so-called clan, they learned how to coexist with each other and ended up becoming close friends, or even brothers, Steven dared to say. And in their own weird way, they became a family.

Tag list: @roger-taylors-car @ladieswttda @teasid @metalheartofgold @slashscowboyboots @ginny-rose-sixx @rumoured-whispers @bigdaddylars @dynamitebabe @tuffduff @mitchgrassified @gamsbeans @hooloovooblue @normatural @axlsbabygirl @mudkicker @dazeduchess @izzysjujuhounds @pinkpatiencecreepers @smokeandmirrorz

Add yourself to my tag list :)

[legionofpotatoes]

we decided to watch all story cutscenes from the new resident evil village videogame on a whim, since it’s not really our cup of tea gameplay-wise but seems to be this massive zeitgeist moment that made us morbidly curious. And I know how much everyone cares about my thoughts on things I know very little about, so. let’s get into it huh gamers. and yeah spoilers?

for context, I’ve only played resident evil 4 and a small portion of 5. I also read the wikipedia entry for 7’s plot recently. all this to say I was only vaguely aware of how tonally wacky the series was going in

I also completely gave up following the plot of the mutagens’ soap opera, so that paid off in spades here as you might imagine

anyway so that baby in the intro. that baby’s head is just massive. humongous toddlerdome. when ethan finds the baby’s head in a jar later on. there is no way that head would fit into that jar. bad game design. no not even game design. basic stuff. one hundred years in prison for jar modeler

if I see a single functional hetero marriage in video games I will cry tears of joy. I understand their misery is kind of The Point irt them badly working through the hillbilly romp trauma but like. sheesh. at least set that up as an emotional story goal the plot will help resolve. but nope they start off miserable and it goes nowhere

I know I know the mia thing has a huge wrinkle in it but like. not really in terms of dramatic function?? set up a happy end to the re7 nightmare (miranda can keep up appearances for all she cares) and then take that all away from angry griffin mcelroy for manpain. it will still absolutely work to set up the dramatic forward momentum. why throw in this cliche Hollywood Tension in their marriage if you’re not going to address it oh maybe because it’s normalized as automatically interesting because nuclear families are a self-propagating pit of a very narrow chance at emotional happiness relying on social stigma to preserve their empty function oops my baggage slipped in yikes abort mission

I called him griffin mcelroy because I saw his face on twitter and. yeah. I will continue to do this occasionally. my house my rules

... fuck the reason I’m hung up on this is specifically because the rest of the game is so tonally dexterous (which is a shining point to me! more on that later!), and yet they felt weirdly compelled to create the aesthetic trapping of a family-at-odds trope without following it through too well. a sign of both the good and the bad stuff to come

but listen the real reason why I wanted to talk about any of this is to nitpick the fascinating backwards-engineered nucleus of the entire thing; in that this game essentially creates a melting pot of just SO many disparate horror tropes and then makes a no-holds-barred unhinged effort at weaving thick lore to piece them all together. it is truly a sight to behold. like straight up you got your backwoods fright night situation, your gothic castle vampires, your rural-industrial werewolves, and don’t forget your bloated swamp monsters over there, with then a hard left turn into robotic body horror, and the entire ass subgenre of Creepy Doll writ large, and the bloodborne tentacle monsters, and a hellboy angel bossfight, which rides on the coattails of a mech-on-mech pacific rim bonanza, and just jesus henry christ slow down

almost all of these are textural hijack jobs that don’t really get into the metaphor plain of any of those settings but the game sort-of makes an argument that the texture IS the point and revels in it. It is kind of admirable almost. The same reason why the intro felt boxed in and unmotivated is also why the rest of the game just blasts off of its hinges to the point of complete and self-indulgent tonal abandon. I kinda loved that about it. lady dimitrescu made sure to hold her hat down as she bent forward in mahogany doorways and then suddenly she’s a giant gore dragon and you settle in your temp role as dark souls man with Gun to take her ass down. Excellent??

this rhino rampage impulse to gobble up every horror aesthetic known to man comes to head when the game wrestles with its FPS trappings in what is the most hilarious solution in creating visceral player damage moments. Since most cinematics and the entire game is in first person, that leaves precious little real estate for the devs to work with if they really want to sell griffin’s physical crucible. To wit. This dude’s forearms. Specifically just the forearms. They are MASSACRED throughout the story. The poor man lives out the silent hill dimension of a hand model. by the end cutscene he looks like a neatly dressed desk clerk who had decided to stick both his grabbers into garbage disposal grinders just a few hours prior. like in addition to everything else it manages to rope in that tinge of slapstick violence into its general grievous genre collection except this time it IS for a lack of trying! truly incredible

but wait his miracle clawbacks from everything his poor paws go through are retroactively explained away, yes, but far too vaguely and far too late to console me as I sat and watched everyone’s favorite baby brother reattach an entirely severed hand to his wrist stump by just. placing it on there. and giving it a lil twist ‘n pop terminator-style. and then willing his fingers back into motion right in front of my bulging eyes. this game just does not care. it does not give a shit. and boy howdy will it work to make that into one of its strongest suits

cause generally speaking resident evil was THE premiere vanilla zombie content destinaysh for like a decade, right? and as the rest of the world and mainstream media started encroaching and bloodying its blue ocean it went and just exploded in every single conceivable horror trope direction like a smilodon on catnip. truly, genuinely fascinating franchise moves

yeah the big vampire milf is hot. other news; grass... green. although I do love the implication that her closet is just identical white dresses on a rack. cartoon network-level queen shit

apropos of nothing I’ve said there’s also this hobo dante-devimaycry-magneto man, and I can’t believe this sentence makes sense. anyway he made that “boulder-punching asshole” joke referring to chris redfield and it was probably the only easter egg that really landed for me and boy did it land hard. I have not seen him punch the boulder in re5, mind. I had only heard about how funny it is from friends. and here this dude was, probably in the same exact mindset as me, trying to grapple with that insane mental image. with you on that ian mckellen, loud and clear

I advocate vehemently against the shallow pursuit of hyper photorealism in art direction but I gotta admit it works really in favor of immersive horror like this. the european village shacks especially gave me super unchill flashbacks to my rural countryside retreat in western georgia. I could smell the linoleum dude. not cool

faces are weird in this game. can’t place it. nice textures, good animation, but the modeling template is... uuh strange? and the hair. it has that clustered-flat-clumpy look that harkens to something very specific and unpleasant but I just don’t know what. sue me

griffin’s mental aptitude to take all this shit in stride and end every seemingly traumatizing bossfight involving some fucking eldritch being yet unseen through mortal eyes by essentially throwing out an MCU quip is just. What the fuck dude? I mean that was funny how you casually yelled the f-word at a god damn werewolf that you considered a fairy tale an hour ago but are you like, all right?? it was swinging a sledgehammer the size of a bus at you, ethan

oh oh the vampires are afraid of cold and your last name is winters. I get it haha

Pro Gamer Nitpick: boss fights seemed a bit unnecessarily long?? idk why the youtuber we picked decided the ENTIRE propeller man fight counted towards the vital story scenes he was stitching together, but man mr big daddy lite there really had some get up and go huh??

why are they saying dimitrescu.. like that. is it really how you say that word or is the english language relapsing into its fetish for ending every single word with a consonant at all costs

I’m not saying it’s a dramatic miss of a twist in context of all that’s going on, but the “you died in the last game actually and have been DC’s clayface ever since” revelation is low-key. it’s. it’s just funny to me, I dont know what to say. century-old god-witch fails her evil plan after she mistakenly removes heart from what was definitely NOT just some white guy with eight fingers after all

chris realizing he’s about to become the player character and immediately swapping out his tsundere trenchcoat for the muscletight sex haver sweater

the little bluetooth speaker-sized pipe bomb he taped to his knife was nuclear?? really??? I must have missed something because that is just too good. I buy it though I totally buy it. chris just got them fun-sized nukes in his car trunk for, you guessed it, Situations

anyway this is all for now just wanted to briefly touch on how unexpectedly funny and tonally irreverent this seemingly serious game turned out to be. did not articulate any cathartic story beats whatsoever but my god it had fun connecting those plot points. he just fucking put his severed hand back on his stump and it Just Worked todd howard get in here

[surveyhoursss]

97.

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)

Italics=partially me or used to be in the past.

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. (I quite literally am anorexic tho)

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.

I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay. (oop)

I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...

I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore

I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.

I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO (again, oop)

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas

I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction

I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly... or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff

I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks

I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.

I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black

I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil

I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.

I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon

I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.

I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.

I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.

I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.

I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.

I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.

My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.

I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.

I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.

I read COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.

I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE... So I MUST be a whore myself.

I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse

I'm a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist

I'm a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.

I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.

I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.

I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.

I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.

I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.

I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.

I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep

I'm a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.

I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.

I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.

I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.

I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.

I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!

I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.

I'm WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.

I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE

I'm not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.

I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy.

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.

I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.

I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins

I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan

I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against abortion.

I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.

I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.

I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.

I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.

I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.

I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.

I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.

I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED

I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.

I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish.

I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE. (i mean, 3rd generation immigrant)

I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.

I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.

I'm STRONG so I MUST be stupid.

I'm AUSTRALIAN so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.

I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times

I'm GAY so I'm after EVERY straight guy around.

I don't want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be lesbian.

I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.

I love MARCHING BAND, so I MUST be a friendless freak.

I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.

I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. (oop)

I CRY easily, so I MUST be a wimp.

I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist.

I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake.

I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST play the bagpipes and eat haggis.

[please-call-us-useless]

So, I discovered My Immortal (oh goodness why?), because someone was reading on YouTube. I had notes.

-Dumbledore walks in on them having sex

-he screamed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS"

-Snape is a Christian

-Harry is Vampire and dated Draco who is also goth????

-Draco has big dick energy????

-Voldy has a gun

-Ron is named Diabolo

-HAGRID IS IN THE BAND????

-Dumbledore is always angry

-HE CRIED WISELY?????????

-NO NOT LUPINNNNNN

-NOT my BOYYY

-Wait aren't they dead

-Wasn't he in the band

-imo onto okayo

-Dumbledore always has a headache

-Not the puff

-McGoggle

-I'm having a stroke thinking about this

-VOLDY HAS HIGH HEELS

-i'M GOING TO CRY

-Biology class

-a guitar is draco

-MCR, RIGHT THEN WOW

-GERARD IS VOLDEMORT???

-OOOh drama in the author in raven

-Dumbledore knows about goth shops?

-Tom Rid

-What drama

-god poor naval

-DUMBLEDORE IS A GOTH????

-are they friends again

-OH MY GOD CUSTOM BROOMS???

-hogwarts is goth

-Albert

-Wait is this concert for three days

-LUMPKIN

-you don't tell people that you will blackmail them

-"filth"

-ebony getting all the action

-STRONKULANCE

-tree bark

-crabbe and goyle are here too?

-I want to shit next to her

-sinister

-shes asleepp

-Serious???

-This is a stronkulus

-"perdition"

-McGoonagle

McGongel

-Snoop

-HOGWIZZLE FO SHIZZLE

-McGoogle

-Snoop has the dark mark on his dick

-TIME TUMOR

-this is a stroke

-bork

-Slutborn

-GURL

-Morty McFly

-Socrates

-Cornelio Fuck

-god these preps

-mid pov change\

-dubledork

-PROFFESSOR SLUTBORN

-MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE DIDN"T EXIST BACK IN THE DAY

-this I-

-HOW MUCH ACTION DOES SHE GET

-DOES SHE EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR ARE THEY ALL

-kISSING WHILE DRIVING

-ORGANISM FUCK

-wow get one song wrong

-LUCIUS WITH TWO ARMS AGAIN

-Snape was possessed by Snape?????

-DRACO WAS WITH SNAPE

-LIKE WHAT

-GOTHIC BEATLES THAT ARE TOGETHER IN 1980

-what smoke was being cracked

-this must be in between 1987-1989

-HEDWIG????????

-MCR IS IN THE EIGHTIES NOW????????????????

-that's a perfect reason to not talk to someone

-voldemort and hedwig making out

-his glock touched voldemort's

-"medusa you rok"

-THE LEVEL OF THAT PUN

-oh no not NSYNC

-Diabolo has red hair again

-BRITNEY FREED SNAPE AND HAGRID AND LUPIN FROM AZKABAN

-ope got a bit self-involved did you Tara

-"laughs statistically" *stocks. graphs. statistics*

-oh god an orgy with everyone????

-how does one take underclothes off before the normal clothes

-fred and gorg makes an appearance?

-he slurped

-latin standoff

-accio neville's wand

In conclusion,

What the fuck

[duker42]

May I perhaps request some punk!Levi x reader nsfw fluff please? You can pick the scenario~ ty for the chance

*****WARNING*****NSFW

💜Outward Appearances💜

He had that bad boy charm. The kind that got a girl wet from just imagining how bad he could be. His persona was only amplified by his outward appearance. The tattoos and piercings combined with the black jeans, combat boots and band t-shirts and his ‘Don’t Give a Fuck’ attitude made Levi Ackerman fucking appealing.

At least, Y/N thought so. She was sure that plenty of others had batted their lashes at the handsome man. All the piercings in the world couldn’t hide the startling silver blue eyes and the even features. His black hair screamed to be pulled while he was wrecking her, that lithe and muscular body doing wickedly delicious things to hers.

She wanted him, watched him from the corner of her eye as he worked, his eyes narrowed in concentration as he drew the latest piece that everyone would be clamoring for on their bodies.

He didn’t run a gun, he left that for his business partners. No, Levi was an artist to his very soul. His fingers created magic that his mind could conjure up. He had taken that and built a successful business with his friends. It didn’t hurt that his body was a canvas, a walking advertisement for Farlan’s skill with a tattoo gun.

She had been hired to schedule the appointments and man the front desk, for Levi and Farlan when Isabel was too far advanced in her pregnancy to stay at the shop all day. She and the bubbly red head had bonded, laughing easily as she had shown her the computer system and had given her some tips for working with her husband and her “brother” as she called Levi.

Her little crush had blown up into full on need. Her imagination taking over as she watched the muscles in his forearms flex as he sketched a new rough design, or the way his shirt pulled tight across his back as he walked around stretching from sitting in one position too long.

She knew that he probably had no interest in her. Figuring her too straight laced to even consider. She had no visible tattoos, something that was considerably odd for someone who worked in a tattoo shop. She didn’t even have piercings beyond the earrings she wore in her lobes.

Y/N was less decorated in the jewelry department, but Levi had his lower lip pierced on the side, a piercing in his eyebrow, another in his tongue, plus four in each ear. He didn’t gauge his ears, instead it was a lovely combination of studs and small hoops in his ears. She hadn’t missed the bars that poking through his tight t-shirts, indicating both nipples were pierced. There was no way he would ever be interested in a person like her.

~~~~~

Farlan’s call took less that five minutes. The sandy blonde had gone stark white as he stammered into his phone.

“I’ll be right there!.....No! Isabel, DO NOT THINK OF DRIVING YOURSELF TO THE HOSPITAL. I’m on my way.” His eyes were wide with wonder as he looked down at the screen as it went dark.

Levi grinned as he shoved his childhood friend, taking the tattoo gun out of his hand. “Go, dumb ass. She will try to drive herself if you don’t. I’ll finish up here.” He said, shoving him closer to the door.

Y/N handed him his jacket as she gave him a hug. “Go on Daddy! I can’t wait. Let us know how it goes, okay? I’ll come as soon as we close up.” She said, grinning at his dazed expression.

“S-she’s.....the...baby...” Farlan stumbled out of the shop, shaking his head before running to his car.

Levi shook his head as he looked down at the client, assessing where Farlan had left off. He clicked his tongue before pulling on a set of gloves and getting to work.

~~~~~

Y/N had called the last two clients scheduled and explained the situation and offering to let Levi fulfill the appointment. Both had been willing to reschedule, wanting Farlan to complete the work they had wanted. It allowed them to close the shop a few hours early since they did not take walk-ins unless it was for a consultation.

She swept the floors in the back room while Levi stood at the sink, meticulously cleaning the gun and preparing it for the sterilization machine it would bake in. She moved over to Levi’s drawing table, stopping when she caught sight of his latest creation. It was a beautiful mix of gothic and innocence. Skulls and roses intertwined, the vines holding the bones in place as it threaded up the page.

Levi snorted, drawing her attention. “What?” She asked, her head cocked to the side as she wondered what he found so funny.

“You.” The answer was short, much like the man.

“Me what?” Y/N demanded.

He set the gun in the machine and flipped the switch, the blue light coming on as the sterilization process started. He turned around and leaned against the counter.

“Acting like you’re interested in a tattoo.” He said, folding his arms over his chest and smirking at her.

She gaped at him like a fish as she tried to formulate a response.

“Like a good girl like you would ever be interested in something like that. You’re so straight laced it’s painful.” He scoffed.

“I-I have tattoos!” She exclaimed, wincing slightly at how defensive it came out.

He quirked an eyebrow as he pushed off the edge of the counter, stalking closer with an amused look in his slate eyes.

“Show me.” He demanded.

Y/N blushed as she looked down. “I’d have to...to pull down my pants.”

“And?” He asked nonchalantly. “Show me.”

He took the broom from her, setting it against the table as she gathered her nerves and reached for the band of her leggings. Thanking all the Gods in existence that she had gotten waxed the week prior and she had decided to wear some decidedly pretty underwear, she pulled them down to show the small rose tattoo that she had on her hipbone.

His chuckle was low and a bit condescending. “Oh yes a wild child.”

She turned around to show the ink on her lower back, right above the seam of her ass. A finger reached out to trace the slightly raised ink under her skin, making her jolt and spin back around.

He just moved his finger to the rose on her hip. “This is shit.” He said bluntly.

Y/N opened her mouth to argue, but he continued on.

“I could design something much better for your skin. Highlight the tone and let it stand out as a canvas.” The low words curled heat low in her belly as his finger drove her crazy as it traced the lines of the ink.

“What would you do?” She asked, unable to keep the slight breathlessness from her tone.

His hand yanked her legging down a bit more as he knelt down. Looking up at her, Y/N felt her heart skip a beat as mischief flashed in his eyes. His warm hand rested on the side of her thigh, right above her knee.

“Start here.” He said, squeezing gently before guiding it up to cover the front of her thigh. “It would cover your thigh; big, bright and beautiful.”

She let out a ragged breath, watching his hand on her, the ink covered hand a contrast to the smooth unblemished skin she had.

He shifted up slightly, his had on her hip, fingers curling around it rather possessively. “Coming up and covering this piece of shit with a real rose, in full bloom. So life like you can practically smell it.”

She couldn’t believe the purr in his voice, the low cadence was almost lover like as he stood and his hand slipped under her shirt. It grazed her flanks, making her shiver. “Vines trailing up your side, to curl up right here.” His fingers traced the edge of her bra, teasing the skin with light strokes as he watched her watching him.

Her breathing was rapid and shallow. She felt like her body was wax, melting slowly under the heat of his hand. Y/N couldn’t help her reaction to him, she had admired him for so long, fantasized about him too often to be calm with his hands on her.

Levi’s other hand tightened on her other hip, his eyes demanding as he stared into hers. The silent question passing between them, her answer in the small whimper she gave him.

He pulled her bra up in a smooth motion as he covered her breast with his warm palm. Y/N’s eyes closed as she arched up against him. He chewed on his lip ring for just a second, feeling her nipple pebble in his palm before leaning forward and kissing her.

She loved the feeling of his tongue rubbing against hers as he explored her mouth. The ball of the tongue ring making her shiver. She could just imagine how that would feel against her nipple or on her clit.

He backed her against the counter, lifting her up and sliding between her thighs after he had taken off her shoes and leggings. Her hand roamed under his shirt, lifting it up to expose the ink infused skin. Her mouth watered as he pulled back and lifted the shirt off with a smirk. The tattoos didn’t cover the fact that he was ripped. His hard muscles flexing and bunching under the skin as he leaned back in to kiss her again.

Her hands brushed over the bars through his nipples, his own shiver making her grin against his mouth. He pulled away to lift off her shirt and bra with a quick flick of his wrists, his mouth latching onto her collarbone as he nibbled his way down her chest.

Levi’s mouth on her breast was amazing, the ball of the tongue ring running over her nipple as he lapped at her. Her hands flew to his head and threaded into his hair. Her gasp filled the back room as he tugged on it before switching over to her neglected breast.

Her legs wrapped around him, tugging him closer. He growled against her as he rutted against her. The feeling of his hard cock pressed enticingly against her was enough to make her beg.

“Please.” She breathed, tugging on his hair hard. His fingers dug into her hips, slipping under her underwear and tugging them down and baring her to him.

He pulled away and looked down at the bare, wet folds of skin. His eyes darkened at how wet she was. “Next time. I’m going to taste you.” He growled.

Y/N went for his belt buckle. Her hands shaking slightly as she opened the buttons and slipped a hand inside to grip him. Her eyes widened as she felt something she hadn’t expected at all.

Levi grinned wickedly at her as he pushed his pants and boxers down, exposing the long curved length, a pierce tip with a curved bar in it. Her eyes were fixed on it as he took himself in hand and gave the stiff member a few pumps with his hand.

“Oh....” Y/N’s confidence faltered a bit as she started.

“Hey.” Her eyes flew up to his face. He gave her a serious look, comforting her. “It okay. It’ll feel good. It’s just a piercing. I can take it out.” He offered.

“No.” She shook her head.

“You want this, Y/N?” He asked quietly, moving closer to cup her face.

“Yes.” She breathed. “I want you.”

He leaned forward to kiss her, his hand around his cock as he rubbed it up and down her slit, wetting himself with her arousal. She moaned into his mouth, making his cock jump in his hand.

He nibbled her lip, biting down on it before releasing it with a groan. “I’ve wanted you for months. Since we hired you.”

Her hands froze as they traveled up his back, pulling back to look at him. His slight redness told her he was telling the truth. She yanked him back to her and kissed him passionately, pushing her hips forward to catch on the tip of his cock.

Levi’s hand flew to her hip as he snapped his hips forward, sheathing himself in her core in one hard thrust. Her head flew back, exposing the column of her throat that he attacked eagerly as he set a hard pace.

He hammered into her, the ball of the piercing pushing against her cervix and making her gasp with every thrust. He was making her see stars every time he pushed forward, her hips shifting forward to meet him.

He pulled her closer, pressing the cold steel of his nipple bars against her chest. His hands running up and down her back, urging her on as he kept thrusting with abandon. His grunts and slight groans against her ear making her tighten her legs around her, pulling him deeper into her.

“L-Levi.” His name poured off her tongue with a cry. Her body tightening as she bowed up. He gritted his teeth against the feeling of her cumming around him. He didn’t stop, actually moved faster as he pushed her harder over the edge of pleasure.

His own release tingling at the base of his spine. He hadn’t talked to her about birth control. Hadn’t even thought about a condom. Stupid and reckless, something he never was in sex, it was Y/N that clouded his mind and made him think of nothing else.

“G-gonna cum.” He panted, moving his hands to the counter, ready to push away.

“I-IUD.” Y/N gasped out, her hands moving down to grip his ass.

Levi groaned, loudly as he felt his body stiffen. His thrust deep as he poured himself into her, twitching with every pump of cum he released. “Fuuuuck.”

Y/N sighed as she felt him sag against her. His heavy breathing against her shoulder oddly sweet at she reached up and petted his hair. He might look like at bad boy from all outward appearances, but he was nothing but considerate to her.

He lifted his head up and leaned in for another kiss. “Lets go to the hospital and see the baby. Then I want to take you out for dinner.” He said, stealing kisses between words.

Bad boy punk....more like softy.

Mobile MasterList

[daddysfangirls-marvel]

My Grim Reaper

Request 

warning: language, fluff, mentions death

Summary:  Bucky Barnes x (grim reaper) reader. The avengers are sent out to shut down a Hydra base and find out that all the hydra soldiers are dead and when they venture further into the facility they find a woman in black with a scythe and are surprised to see that Bucky and this women know each other. ( y/n and Bucky met when y/n got Bucky’s name in her death book but when she went to collect his soul his name disappeared from her book) ( y/n is like the reapers from black butler).

“Looks like someone has already hit the place,” Sam said over the comms.

This was a big base everyone was called in even the Spider Kid but now going through it, it seems like a waste of time and energy now because most of everyone was dead or unconscious. It was all early quiet as they slowly made their way further into the base more and more bodies started to appear. 

“Who do you think as done this?” Peter asked as he crawled up on the ceiling above Clint.

“I don’t know but whoever they are they are a badass,” Natasha said as she kicked a dead body to the side. Hey, she’s seen that guy before.

“Yo guys I’ve got someone moving around. Two doors to your left Sam.” Tony said he was flying overhead of the building checking it out everyone on the outside was taken care of just like on the inside. But he was flying around just to make sure.

“How many?”

“Just one it looks like. I’m going in” the others began to protest but he just rolled his eyes and moved forward guns drawn. As he walked into the room, it was the security room, quietly bodies were all over the floor most were died a few others unconscious despite how many bodies there were there wasn’t a lot of blood.

As he round the corner he found someone in a cloak with the hood up sitting down in front of the security system rewinding and watching the footage and writing something down humming to themselves. He could hear the scribbling of their pencil and flipping pages and the little tone that sounded similar to looney toons or Animatics one of the two. Quietly walking up behind them he presses the gun to their back.

“Turn around ...slowly”  and with a quick spin, doing the complete opposite of what he said, he saw the person's face. It was a woman She wore a short black gothic dress with long off the shoulder bell sleeves and in her hands was a little black book and a fancy feather pen. She got one look at him then went back to flipping through her book.

“Sam Wilson. Your name is not in my book” she says nonchalantly and continued to write ignoring the man in front of her and gun aimed at her.

“Your book? Why would my name be in your book?” Sam asked as the other Avengers became to come into the room seeing the strange woman writing away in her book. She Turned back to the screens but then Sam turned her back around. “Hey, don’t look away from me.”

“Yes, that is very rude,” Peter said as he crawled into the room still on the ceiling Clint stepping in behind him.

“Peter Parker, Clint Barton. Not in my book”

“She knows my name she knows my real name. SHE KNOWS MY NAME” Peter fell off the ceiling and began to freak out. As others came into the room she listened off their names and told them they weren’t on her list.

Wanda, Natasha, Vision, Rhodey, Tony (that idiot just came through the ceiling), and Thor. 

“Steve Rogers. You know with everything he has been through and how reckless he is you would expect him to be on my list but no that thick-headed manic has never been in my book” she said as she heard Steve and Bucky’s running footsteps coming down the hall.

“Oh, shit” Bucky whispered to himself when he recognized the voice. He speeds up rushing into the room. 

“Brucie was on my list when he was younger but his named faded away before I could get to him. The only other person who has been on my list in my little black book is -”  Bucky rushed into the room with a large grin plastered on his face. “ BUCKY”

“Doll, what are you doing here?” Bucky said as he quickly went to give her a hug but the others stopped him.

“Bucky you know this crazy woman with the feather pen looking like a gothic victorian manic,” Tony said 

“Excuse me, it’s a quill. You would know that if you paid attention in history class... or watched Harry Potter.” she huffed and went back to writing in her book. She wrote down Tony’s name and pouted when it faded away. 

“Bucky, who is this woman?” Steve asked

“This is (y/n), (y/n) (l/n) and she’s a reaper” Everything in the room stopped, expect (y/n)’s quill, as the process what he said.

“Excuse me but could you repeat that I thought you said reaper as in like the grim reaper like from Billy and Madison cartoon network,” Peter said clearly confused but still managing to add some references to his Panic. Fucking Z generation.

“More like Black Butler but with less subtext and slow burn.Oh, and no garden tools” She said correcting Peter but not looking up from her writing. Peter and Bucky seemed to understand her everyone else looks confused.

“You did this. Why did you do this? why are you here?” Steve asked stepping forward trying to intimidate her. It didn't work. Sighing (y/n) stands up approaching him she steps over a body in front of her careful of getting blood on her heels but not giving two shits about her cloak.

“I’m the Grim reaper I take souls. at least 75 percent of the people in this base was on my list so instead of hunting them down one by one I wanted until they were all here and attacked getting my souls and kicking some Hydra ass. Those who weren’t on my list are unconscious. Mr. Rogers, I came here and did my job. Now shouldn’t you be off talking about your amazing neighborhood?” 

She walked pasted him casually he tried to grab her arm but instead grabbed her cloak as she disappeared in thin air.

“Bucky how do you know that woman? Tell us everything you know about her.”

There were a lot of names on her list today. She was humming the Teen Titans theme song to herself as she walked down the hall a scythe in hand and lollipop in her mouth. Everyone else was running in the other direction they were careful to run around her as well she looked very intimidating dressed in all black dragging a scythe behind her. 

“Awww,” she said as she noticed that the hall was empty but that was okay as she was two-thirds done with her list. She looked up and out the window as she watched the helicarriers crash and fall into each other. “damn... let's get to work.” throwing her scythe on her shoulder and making her way outside.

She smiled happily as she walked along the river bank and crossed the names off her list there was one name left on her list.

James Buchanan Barnes 

She wondered where he was. Looking up she sees a man standing over another unconscious man. She looks down at the book then down at her book then back at the man. Yep, it was him. She approached him.

“Hello, excuse me, are you James Barnes?” she asked kindly “ Bucky?”

“Bucky? I don’t... I’m Bucky?” asked as if he doesn’t know.

”I’m asking you. is that Bucky?” she pointed to the unconscious man on the floor she was very aware that he was actually Captain Amerca but still.

“That’s Captain America... Steve... I don’t know who I am”

She frowned and furrowed her brows. She sighed closing her book not even bothering to look at it. She held out her hand “ Let’s go find out” he took her hand and the two of them walk into the woods disappearing. Giving one last look back to his forgotten friend.

“I’m (y/n) by the way”

“For a good two months, she stuck around and helped me get some of my memory back and avoid Hydra. After a while, she had to go back to her reaping and stealing souls... She explained to me that I was on her list and that she had to take me. I was okay with it I was ready to go and die as long as she was taking my soul was perfectly fine with it. But when she opened her book my name wasn’t there anymore. She left after that but continued to drop in and check on me but that stopped eventually too. I don’t know what happened.”

Bucky smiles as he thinks of the fond memories he has of her and their time together. He had missed her dearly. She was his friend.

He was sitting down in the quinjet as others surrounded him listening to his story, it was on autopilot. 

“When you say reaper”

“she takes souls. She uses to work in hospitals but in recent years she has been focusing on Bad guys such as Hydra. She’s a good person”

“Yes, because good people take souls,” Tony said sarcastically

“It’s her job, Tony, it’s what she was made to do. It’s her purpose. she is a good person” Bucky said 

“Aww thank you, love. I really appreciate the compliments” (y/n) said suddenly appearing from nowhere she draped her self over Bucky. He smiled and hugged her kissing her forehead. Everyone else, however, was armed and pointing their weapons at her. Bucky rolled her eyes and wrapped his arms around her. “ I can see I’m not wanted here” she kisses his cheek.

“Bye, Bye Bucky. Later.” and then she was gone.

“Mr. Stark she’s gone,” Peter says shocked but everyone just ignores him.“Your friends with Death.”

“Reaper but yeah. I don’t get why you guys don’t like her. You know you she can be useful to us.”

“How? “ Clint asked

“She could give us a list of Hydra agents that are already dead so we don’t go looking for dead ends. She also has abilities to find anyone in the world as long as their or someone they know has their name in her book. She could help us.”

Bucky stood up and looked on as the compound came into view.

“You think she’d join us,” Steve asked Bucky shakes his head with a smile

“no, she already has a job. Plus she only does things when she knows she can benefit from it. And we’ve got nothing for her, not now anyway. “

(Y/n) watched from the tree line as the quinjet landed in front of the compound and the team strolled out all going their separate ways to write reports. Bucky strolled out but stopped he turned around and looked to the treelines where he found her she smiled and waved. He laughed a bit turning away and walked away. 

Taking out her little black book she writes something down then tears the paper out and snaps her fingers letting it disappear. She walks away humming the Mickey Mouse Club House theme song.

Bucky Slams his door in Sam’s face he was being extra annoying since he had told his story about (y/n). He waited until he was sure Sam was gone before stepping away from the door he was going to head to the bathroom but stopped when he noticed a piece of paper on his bed. He was sure he cleaned his room before his left.

Picking up the piece of paper he smirks at the familiar handwriting.

How about we have a better reunion than that? Meet me for a beer? 

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[ninety6tears]

More disorganized thoughts on Dublin Murders (eps 3-6)

(As before, lots of books-centric talk and speculation that may be spoilery.)

I feel like I should begin by giving Phelps a bit of credit in that it does seem clear enough, even in the changes from French, that she is an enthusiast and has probably read this series over and over aside from professionally. There are times when I smile because it’s so obvious she’s a fan, but then there are other moments...we’ll get there. 

I feel like it’s always a little...bad or whatever to bag on child actors, but ugh, with the exceptions of some minor ones I just can’t with these miscast kids. I can’t with that cheesy decision to have Adam yelling and yelling when they find him in the woods (the nail-breaking catatonia was so much creepier, come on). This slightly deranged stuff with little Cassie and Lexie is another quick shortcut for the viewers who can’t piece together psychological implications for themselves--it’s that stuff that makes me wonder if relying on a lot of voiceover would have actually been more subtle. Yes, Cassie had an imaginary friend when she was little because she felt alone after her parents died, but that isn’t spelled out in a couple clauses like I just did, or like the series basically does in two minutes with a strangely emotionless scene they were so proud of we had to watch it twice just in case the ins and outs of her formative trauma wasn’t clear enough. 

How depressing to think of a kid buried with their favorite color when kids change their minds about their favorite color every few months. That being said, my mom somehow always kept it straight! Something’s not right in that house, man.

The thing with McCabe being haunted about Knocknaree till his death and leaving crackers notes in the evidence is a little corny but I like it. And like, Rob saying it’s irrelevant but clearly being shaken to hear that...and Christ, that bit later on when he makes up a probable suicide for Adam Ryan...boy.

Oh my LORD can we talk about how Rob is so cold with his mom?? Cassie was more affectionate with her than he was. That scene is so sad, it’s perfect. And no shit, when she told Cassie she wasn’t a good liar, I scoffed at that...and then she told Rob and they both laughed about it <3 <3

It’s been commented on, but Rob has a key to her place? He comes over to wake her up with coffee, and he’s about to leap in his car and come to her after she sees Lexie’s body, because of course he would have (while Sam awkwardly tries to approach her over her shoulder, lolll). Their platonic intimacy, I just... <3<3<3

LOL @ O’Kelly reacting to Lexie the way more people probably would: “Are you all on ketamine?! Am I the only one looking at this?!!?”

“You get to know his tell.” That’s mean for my Cassie but

I gotta say, I’m less annoyed than I was when it happened but still annoyed that Rob and Cassie sleeping together happened with her emotions as the catalyst rather than his. Like it makes enough sense if you believe the whole complication was going to happen sooner or later, but it really backs away from the part of In The Woods where Rob is at his most absolutely naked vulnerability and is clearly capital ‘t’ Triggered and it might significantly compromise how sympathetic he can be, and what his development does with male trauma. At least they do make him cry later, and remembering witnessing the rape works as a stand-in for what brings that on, but it’s undeniably disappointing to not see him go through that raw breakdown with Cassie in a way that feels in multiple ways like a tragically brief lapse in his walls.

Sam? Goading Cassie into admitting she slept with Rob after they’d fallen out and then saying “Fuck you, I have to work with him”? More likely than you think. Nah, I don’t know, these two were practically incapable of being harsh with each other in the novel and it’s...unexpected. It’s interesting because it’s like here we are treating Sam’s idealization of Cassie as more obviously a Problem while it was more just an annoyance in The Likeness, but I don’t really see book!Sam having this level of breakdown like he hardcore has been in denial that Cassie has probably done some stuff she’s not proud of, so they’re very different in my mind.

HOLLY, though. Holly actually knows Cassie like in the fanfic I’d like to read. Frank’s cheesy Dad shirt! This is the shit that makes me feel that Phelps is a Fan. But like, what is her deal with The Likeness because she doesn’t seem to dive into the things that a lot of the fans love about that book at all? I know they’re short on time (because of who’s choice to condense these in one miniseries, I’d like to know) but there’s a reason the book takes its time with the prep of the operation. With this, we mostly get some cursory stuff about where the kitchenware goes and one bit with a videotape and like...I have no clue how Cassie thinks she knows what Lexie is like, and because of that weird-ass talk with Sam where she seems disconnected from reality about where she came from and Frank showing little concern about how to instruct her to do this and the totally anti-climactic way she arrives at Whitethorn House and they just SKIP TO THE NEXT MORNING like it’s all no big deal, it’s almost like we’re not supposed to care or even think about the central fulcrum of suspense and audaciousness that made the premise of the book so fucking good.

But that’s not even half the problem, because the Whitethorn characters are just kinda lost on this take. So far I either haven’t noticed or haven’t much liked the cast’s performances of them, their connections are simplified to who's banging or wanting to bang who right away, and there’s a sad shortage of actual non-awkward warmth before we get to those fissures of ugliness and resentment. And you know, the worst of it is that Cassie doesn’t give a fuck. She wants to nail one of them to the wall, she believes from the beginning one of them did it, and that’s a completely different story that doesn’t really need all this surreal gothic pomp which is already a lot to swallow in the same season as In The Woods. She and Frank are totally on the same wavelength and that’s fun to watch because sometimes that’s the fundamental note of their sense of intense history in the book too, but in The Likeness, Frank has this contempt for the residents that says more than he realizes about himself, and she has this desire to protect this strange family from the inevitable which says something about her and everything she’s been through, and that comes around in so many ways that I doubt they’re going to suddenly establish in the last couple episodes, unfortunately.

I will say though, while I figured that pulling these two relatively insulated high-concept stories together wouldn’t work and it doesn’t seem to be working, I am enjoying how much it emphasizes the thematic threads and imagery shared between them, even things like doubles/twins. Even though at least one of Rob’s hallucination sequences doesn’t land right for me, I love the visuals always emphasizing that insurmountable intrusion of the woods and the feral world, most literally realized in that horrifying car crash in slow motion. It makes me think of Scorcher’s “Wild stays out” bit--inevitably it doesn’t~~

And at the same time, Cassie leaving Rob to go under is a different way of approaching that pile of angst that I’m finding interesting and I look forward to seeing how they tie everything back in.

Though I did kinda like that one scene with O’Kelly, I have a big bone to pick with that “Mackey gets people killed” thing, because...no? Dead operatives don’t get “results.” You’re not a badass like Frank Mackey is supposed to be if you can’t pick the undercover types and teach your cops how to not get killed, because you get to that point by being good at not getting yourself killed. Mackey even says at one point in Faithful Place with some defensive pride that his moles don’t end up dead. Frank is shady and opportunistic and manipulative, but he is not a fucking idiot, and making him hold the bad-guy ball to just shrug about the gun in ordeI’r to remove--even more!--the emphasis on Cassie’s increasingly compromised and reckless decisions is not something I’m happy with (I’ll admit I’m not 100% sure about this, but she keeps it from him in the book, right?).

Hmm: “If anything happens to her I'll fucking kill you” vs. “Maddox is a survivor.”

Also: “She looks at Daniel the way Sam looked at you.” Aww, Frank, you bastard.

I forgot to say last time that Rob having a roommates-with-hate-sex-benefits thing with Heather is just...yeah, that could happen. But what was up with her not even noticing he looks like he needs an ambulance, lol

I stopped at quite a cliffhanger so I think I’ll just end this here.

[jtsodergren]

The Best of 2019

2019, what an exceptional year for movies! A great way to close out the shittiest decade! Here are the 50 best films I saw this year... click on the title to go to the IMDB page, and I’ll try to post a link to where you can see many of them. Also for the first time this year, I’m including MOM WARNINGS! My mom reads this list and sometimes actually watches these movies... so to save her some grief, sadness, or general concern for my psyche, there will be a NOT FOR MOMS!! warning where applicable... here we go!

50. STAR WARS - EPISODE IX: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER (Amazon)

People really hated this movie... I actually really liked it! Aside from the horses running around on the outside of spaceships (which makes no fucking sense... didn’t Leia get all space frozen exactly one movie ago??), it was a satisfying conclusion to a franchise I guess I don’t really care about as much as other people, so I was into it!

49. JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM (Amazon)

Quickly becoming one of the more well produced action franchises of all time. Probably two too many machine gun shootouts in this one for me (I get a little exhausted with gun violence), but the hand-to-hand stuff is brilliant and bloody and badass! Not to mention the deepening of the mythology and Halle Berry and her dogs. It’s a fun time, a welcome addition to the series, and I can’t wait for number 4.

48. QUEEN & SLIM (Amazon)

Billed as the black BONNIE AND CLYDE and from first time feature director Melina Matsoukas, this atmospheric tragedy is gorgeous to look at, delivers a pair of standout lead performances, and proves to have one of the more stressful final 30min of any of the films I saw this year, even if you know the inevitable conclusion is just around the corner.

47. UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (Amazon PRIME)

A wild Los Angeles noir story from the director of IT FOLLOWS. Plays like if David Lynch directed THE BIG LEBOWSKI, a weird, screwball whodunit. It’s a little long, and there are so many loose ends that seem to be thrown in just to fuck with the protagonist (and the audience), but it’s a really fun time and you’ll want to stay to the end to see it all play out. LA looks gorgeous too.

46. KNOCK DOWN THE HOUSE (Netflix)

Truly inspiring. Really shows how if you put your mind to something, believe in yourself and that you can make a difference, you can accomplish anything. Regardless of your political leanings, or how you feel about AOC personally, this is well worth your time and it has a great message for young people, especially those young women of color who might not think they can achieve great levels of success. It made me cry the happy tears.

45. LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (Amazon)

Best known for it’s remarkable 59min-3D final take, this hallucinatory journey through memory and dreams is mind-blowing and breathtaking. Hard not to leave this one feeling like you’ve been put though some kind of experiment that you don’t fully understand, but you’ll want to experience again. Highly recommended if you have access to 3D, or simply have some killer edibles and want to be thrown for a loop.

44. CLIMAX (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of being under the influence, holy shit is this film nuts! From Gaspar Noe, who if you’re aware of his work, you kind of already know what you’re in store for here. It’s been described as “FAME directed by the Marquis de Sade”... incredible dance sequences and audacious camerawork that slowly but surely devolves into hell. It’s a blast!

43. HAIL SATAN? (Hulu)

A fresh and funny documentary about a group of smartass Satanists exposing the hypocrisy amongst bible-thumping Christians who’d rather stomp their feet and be the loudest in the room than listen to anyone else’s perspective. Frustrating and entertaining in equal parts, this compulsively watchable film makes you want to scream at these Jesus freaks as much as you want to laugh along with the antics of these harmless, intelligent and organized troublemakers. An excellent time well spent.

42. FIRST LOVE (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

Director Takashi Miike’s yakuza action-comedy is the most accessible of his films I’ve seen (he’s now made more than 100 movies, which is insane), but that doesn’t mean it’s not a gonzo wild time at the movies. The violence is here in full force, but unlike AUDITION or ICHI THE KILLER, you don’t need a barf bag close by to enjoy it. It’s often hilarious and moves at a breakneck speed. Super fun!

41. THE DEAD DON’T DIE (Amazon PRIME)

Jim Jarmusch’s star-studded, droll zombie-comedy came and went from theaters without much fanfare, but provided me with plenty of laughs. It’s also the second of 3 Adam Driver vehicles to be on this year’s list. Bill Murray and Driver lead the way along with plenty familiar faces in cameos throughout (including the RZA in one of my favorite scene’s of the year). Classic Jarmusch... a meditation on death and mortality in his vintage style.

40. EL CAMINO: A BREAKING BAD MOVIE (Netflix)

Dude, Aaron Paul is a legit GREAT actor. Picks up right where the show left off, and I was on the edge of my seat and filled with anxiety just like I was during the best moments of the now classic series. It was good to hang out with my old friends again.

39. DOCTOR SLEEP (Amazon)

A box office flop due to poor promotion and a title people weren’t familiar with, this sequel to THE SHINING is based on the Stephen King book of the same name, which I read, and I can’t recommend it more. Great suspense, and fantastic performances from both Ewan McGregor and (especially) Rebecca Ferguson. It’s a dark and scary film that is a fun trip back to the Overlook Hotel... provided you wish to return there...

38. THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO (Amazon PRIME)

About 90min into this beautifully shot film I was ready to lock it in as a possible Top 5 contender. Then the bottom fell out for me the last quarter of the movie and lost my confidence. No bother, it’s still wonderful enough to find a spot on the list and carry my recommendation. Young men and women watching their city change before their eyes, and wondering what the concept of “home” really means is a real challenge facing many people here in the Bay Area. This film does a fantastic job conveying that, for most of the film anyway. 

37. THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON (Amazon)

A bonafide crown-pleaser of a movie, and another example of the true talent Shia LeBeouf has and is capable of (more on him later). A young man with Down Syndrome escapes his assisted-living facility to track down his wrestling idol the Saltwater Redneck with the help of an outlaw and a social worker. Sweet, funny, and heartfelt... a feel good surprise.

36. A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD (Amazon)

I didn’t cry nearly as much as I did during the excellent documentary WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR from last year, but if you’re a Mr. Rogers fan, you’ll still shed a few during this heartwarming film. Tom Hanks does his thing, and even though this movie is guilty of borrowing a little too much from the previous doc, it’s still a great showcase for the truly selfless and beautiful force of nature that Fred Rogers was. Bring tissues anyway.

35. CARMINE STREET GUITARS (In Theaters Now)

A love letter to both New York City and the art, joy, and love that goes into honing and maintaining one’s craft. Meanwhile the looming doom of gentrification hovers over the proceedings, never letting you get fully enrapt in the sweetness that these artists (and their many famous customers) exude when talking about and playing their one-of-a-kind works of art. A stunning and lovely piece for musicians and talentless fans of music alike.

34. HOLIDAY (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A tough, cold film with nary a character to actively root for... until after about an hour of icy behavior comes (no pun intended) a scene so shocking in its graphic and disturbing nature, people left the theater without staying for the final resolution. First time director Isabella Eklof pulls off the bold and audacious maneuver, all while making it seem like she doesn’t care whether you like her characters (or her film) at all. It’s a very fine balancing act, executed to perfection. But be warned... it’s rough.

33. AVENGERS: ENDGAME (Disney+)

What can I say? You saw it. It’s good. A bunch of Supermans fly around and blow shit up. A satisfying end (until the next 20 films).

32. MIDSOMMAR (Amazon Prime)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A disturbing slow burn of a gothic horror film. Characters do hallucinogens while ritualistic religious murders and tribal mating practices threaten to ruin everyones existence. Florence Pugh is phenomenal (more from her in a minute) in a very trying roll. Doesn’t pack quite the punch of the director’s last film, HEREDITARY, but it’s still well worth the watch. But yeah, it’s disturbing.

31. APOLLO 11 (Hulu)

A fascinating look at the first moon landing from rarely seen archival footage and audio. Seeing it on the IMAX screen was intense and exhilarating, unlike narrative pictures like the severely overrated FIRST MAN. This isn’t my favorite documentary of the year, but it is an absolute lock to win the Academy Award for Best Doc of 2019. It’s a must see, a must experience.

30. HIGH LIFE (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

French auteur Claire Denis’ bizarre, erotic sci-fi mindfuck about isolation and humanity is not for everyone, but is a brilliant take on the genre, and is yet another showcase for Robert Pattinson, who is quietly becoming one of my favorite working actors. Juliette Binoche also is on fire here and has what one critic calls “the single greatest one-person sex scene in the history of cinema.” So it has that going for it.

29. TRIPLE FRONTIER (Netflix)

A fully loaded heist film with no real bad guy, but instead a group of recognizable badasses in a Netflix-released action thrill ride. There’s absolutely no reason this should’ve worked, or even been half as good as it is, but boy is it good! Compulsively watchable, and rewatchable. If this were on Showtime as much as DEN OF THIEVES is I’d have seen it 30 times by now. It’s one of the most pleasant surprises of the year.

28. 1917 (Amazon)

An unbelievable visual achievement from cinematographer Roger Deakins and director Sam Mendes. The story isn’t the greatest war story ever told (are there great war stories?), but it’s shot to look like one continuous long take, sustained for 2hrs. It’s really an unbelievable feat, but doesn’t come off as gimmicky or distracting. It’s intense, beautifully staged, and sad. A big screen spectacle. 

27. TOY STORY 4 (Amazon)

Woody and the gang are back, and the films continue to keep the dust from collecting. It’s still so much fun to hang out with this group of misfit toys. There was talk that after the incredible TOY STORY 3 this was just a money grab and was labeled unnecessary, but I found it to be a sweet, charming, and nostalgic trip I was glad I took.

26. HONEYLAND (Hulu)

My pick for documentary of the year comes from the mountains of Macedonia, where a woman named Hatidze lives with her dying mother making a living cultivating honey. When a family of shitheads moves into a shanty next door, what seems like a fix for her lonely existence becomes catastrophic as they disregard her teachings and threaten her livelihood. I was an emotional wreck throughout the experience and it goes without saying it’s a must-see. Gorgeous and heartbreaking.

25. LITTLE WOMEN (Amazon)

I have never read the book, nor seen any of the film adaptations, so I went in blind to this lovely film. Director Greta Gerwig follows up the phenomenal LADYBIRD with this Altman-esque rendition of the widely beloved literary classic. I found it exceptional in its execution and performances, including the previously mentioned Florence Pugh, who is a knockout. A wonderful addition to the ever-growing stable of Christmas films I look to enjoy during future Decembers.

24. GREENER GRASS (Hulu)

It’s as if Tim & Eric made BLUE VELVET. Bizarre, outrageous, gross, and a guaranteed future midnight movie favorite. My sides hurt. A satire skewering upper-middle class suburban soccer moms and dads alike. Babies are given away. A boy turns into a dog. Everyone has braces. There’s a creep on the loose. It’s wild and flat-out hilarious literally from start to finish. Almost too many jokes to keep up with. Watch it! Bring weed. 

23. RELAXER (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of gross, this film is disgusting, but in a good way. A satire about lazy consumerism and self-destruction. It’s a short hang, thankfully, but if you can stomach it to the end (remember, it’s nasty) you’ll be rewarded with not only a hilarious dark comedy, but also an unexpected haymaker of sadness you didn’t see coming. It’s a pretty impressive feat, and an overall success. But, yeah, it’s fucking gross. 

22. AD ASTRA (Amazon)

APOCALYPSE NOW in space starring Brad Pitt. If you need more information than that, I don’t really know what else to do for you. 

21. SLUT IN A GOOD WAY (Amazon PRIME)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A black-and-white raunchy French arthouse teen comedy that gives a middle finger to the double standard set by the equally raunchy teen-boys-will-be-boys genre. It’s so much fun, and honest, and the actors are such natural talents you forget the subject matter is at times shocking (only because of said double standard) and just go with it. I think it’s just wonderful. Seek it out!

20. US (HBO)

Jordan Peele’s excellent follow-up to GET OUT. Doppelganger home invasion terror with a killer twist. To describe more would be to risk giving something away. I’ll just say that Lupita Nyong’o is my pick to win her second Oscar, this time as Best Actress, here in a dual role. She’s incredible. If you haven’t seen it, try to go in blind, you’ll be rewarded.

19. THE FAREWELL (Amazon PRIME)

A heartfelt homecoming film about family, culture, and how the things we don’t say can be just as strong of a show of love as the things we do say. It’s sweet, tender, and bursting with personal flare and emotions from director Lulu Wang. Awkwafina also curbs her more manic and loud tendencies as a performer for more quiet, thoughtful, and somber choices. She’s phenomenal. 

18. KNIVES OUT (Amazon)

A clever ensemble whodunit that’s just as funny and smart as it is mysterious. Everyone across the board delivers as the assorted motley crew. The film rewards repeat viewings and Daniel Craig knocks it out of the park, stealing every scene he’s in, reminding us all what a fantastic actor he can be when he’s not sipping the Vespers. 

17. BOOKSMART (Hulu)

The female SUPERBAD is the elevator pitch, but this coming-of-age gem is really unlike any other example in the genre. They’re privileged, uber-smart, and have never partied. Yet they have the same neuroses as any other teen scared to death of what to do next or how to be normal. It’s also fucking hilarious. You wanna hang out with these girls and at the same time bury your head under the covers because you feel their pure terror/embarrassment. It’s a blast.

16. THE MUSTANG (Amazon)

Starring Matthias Schoenaerts, one of the finest actor’s working today, this understated and emotional drama about rehabilitation and redemption floored me upon first viewing. It is a gorgeous film. You’ve probably seen stories similar to this before, but rarely is one told with such compelling conviction. A borderline masterpiece. 

15. HONEY BOY (Amazon PRIME)

Remember a few years back we had the McConaissance, where everything Matthew McConaughey did was solid gold after years of middling bullshit? I’m calling it right now: Shia LaBeouf is about to have the same thing. He wrote the script and plays a version of his own father in a brutal version of his own fucked up childhood as an up-and-coming child actor. It’s heartbreaking and absolutely riveting. I’m hoping he gets an Oscar nod, but regardless I implore you to seek this film out, he’s incredible. 

14. MONOS (Hulu)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A bizarre, bewildering, chaotic, and unsettling film. Some of the most beautiful photography I saw on the big screen this year, yet some of the most surreal and disturbing imagery as well. It’s a militarized, Latin American LORD OF THE FLIES with commentary on tribal behavior and violence. It can be a tough sit, but boy is it beautiful. 

13. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME (Netflix)

What a wonderful, welcome surprise! Eddie Murphy in an awards caliber performance as Rudy Ray Moore, the multi-hyphenate performer who created the alter ego Dolemite, spawning a film franchise and many legendary comedy albums. It’s obviously hilarious, and a great behind-the-scenes biopic, but also shockingly sweet and heartfelt, even between all the cuss words. I even teared up a couple times. The 3rd best thing Netflix released this year (more on that in a minute).

12. JOKER (Amazon)

You already saw this.

11. THE IRISHMAN (Netflix)

It’s far too long. It could’ve done with being cut as a three part miniseries or special. There’s about 45min worth of scenes that are quintessential DVD bonus features (I’m looking at you Action Bronson), but goddamn if it’s not Scorsese doing his Scorsese thing. It’s a gangster film, but it’s also a meditation on aging and death. Pesci is incredible and Pacino steals the show. Sure, the de-aging thing is distracting, the curb stomping scene is embarrassing. But still, I mean... IT’S MARTIN SCORSESE!

10. PAIN AND GLORY (Amazon)

Pedro Almodovar’s most personal work to date, a tale about making art and the loneliness of love. If you are unfamiliar with his work, this is a great jumping off point. His movies can be challenging and dark, but this film has such joy and hope amongst the heartache. The final reveal, while not earth shattering on paper, is nonetheless so moving it left the screening I attended without a dry eye in the place. It is his best film yet. 

9. THE LIGHTHOUSE (Amazon)

From the director of THE WITCH comes another type of gothic horror, this time with the legendary Willem Dafoe and the (already mentioned) brilliant Robert Pattinson marooned on a lighthouse rock alone to drive each other completely insane. It’s hallucinatory, violent, disorienting, and flat-out brilliant. If it weren’t for another guy we’ll get to in a minute, Dafoe would be a lock for Best Supporting Actor here. It’s a slightly challenging film, with the period style mariner dialogue, but it’s just as funny as it is terrifying.

8. JOJO RABBIT (Amazon)

A beautiful, touching, funny, crowd-pleasing comedy about a little Nazi whose imaginary friend is Hitler. Yep, your read that correctly. There are about a million reasons this should absolutely not work. Yet, it’s one of the best theater going experiences I had this year. A must see... ESPECIALLY with Mom!

7. MARRIAGE STORY (Netflix)

The best written and acted film of the year, and the third Adam Driver vehicle to appear here. Sad but honest. Touching but brutal. It’s awkward and a bit of a bummer, but there’s such great work being done here, in front of and behind the camera. Noah Baumbach is a force of nature, and has yet to make a film I was even iffy about. He’s the real deal and this might be his masterpiece. 

6. WAVES (Amazon)

Speaking of auteurs, Trey Edward Shults is now 3/3 on features after the brilliant KRISHA and IT COMES AT NIGHT. Here he follows a middle-class black family, led by a domineering father, through a tragic moment in all of their lives. The first half deals with the son’s story, then abruptly switches to the daughter’s life post said event. It shouldn’t work, yet somehow manages to be one of the most emotionally affecting pieces of art I saw this year. The camera never stops moving, constantly swirling and whirling and you can’t help to be sucked up into it. It’s a beautiful tragedy.

5. LONG SHOT (HBO)

The biggest and most pleasant surprise of the year. An opposites-attract rom-com with more brains, bite, social commentary, and laughs than it has any right to have. Easily the most fun you’ll have with (almost) the whole family... there’s a lot of cum jokes. But don’t let the vulgarity dissuade you! It’s a total riot with just the right amount of sweetness to balance out the saltiness. I love love love this movie.

4. THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE (Hulu)

What starts as a strange, dark comedy morphs into a FIGHT CLUB-esque thriller with allusions to disturbingly toxic masculinity and an offbeat take on what it takes to “be a man.” It is laugh-out-loud hilarious, and expertly made, while really having something to say, and it says it in a way I’ve never really seen before. It’s not surprising this didn’t get more attention, the characters are truly difficult to relate to, let alone root for, but as far as originality goes, you’d be hard pressed to find anything this year much better than this. 

3. UNCUT GEMS (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

The cinematic equivalent of being locked in the brain of a lunatic having a cocaine-fueled anxiety attack. If that sounds like fun (AND IT IS!!!) then this is the film for you! Oh, and Adam Sandler is going to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Actor. For real. It’s a chaotic, stress-filled masterpiece.

2. ONCE UPON A TIME... IN HOLLYWOOD (Amazon)

My favorite filmmaker’s 2nd best film. A personal story about the love of film during the late 60s, a time of dirty hippies and Charles Manson, as well as the passing of the torch from old Hollywood to the “golden age” of cinema. It’s a fairytale of sorts, with Tarantino’s trademark flare for spontaneous violence and mining multiple genres to make his most mature work since PULP FICTION. I’ve been rewarded with new takeaways upon each subsequent viewing, and my love and appreciation for it only grows and grows. Brad Pitt is a lock for Best Supporting Actor, he’s magnificent. It was always going to be my #1 with a bullet no matter what, because it’s just that great...

1. PARASITE (Amazon)

...but then Bong Joon-ho, the master of new Korean cinema unleashed PARASITE. Not only is it the best film of 2019, it’s one of the best films I have ever seen. Like EVER ever. He is in such astonishing control of his craft it’s hard not to sit back and marvel and the sheer skill on display. You can be laughing one moment and then recoiling in horror during the same breath. He’s using multiple genre tropes, incredible set design, pitch perfect acting/writing, and such exquisite planning you can’t possibly know what’s in store for you from one scene to the next. It is an absolute masterpiece and if it doesn’t sweep every category it’s nominated for at this year’s Oscars, it’ll be a travesty. If you have even a passing interest in film as an art form, the power it can wield, and the messages it can convey, you owe it to yourself to see this film. It’s perfect.

Well, there it is. Thanks for reading any part of this. Now go see PARASITE. I love you.

[listen-to-miracles-again]

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists. I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun. I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed. I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat. I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy. I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy. I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS. I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape. I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist. I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch. I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell. I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell. I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat. I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world. I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people. I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible. I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay. I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash. I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants. I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem. I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store. I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage. I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore... I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe. I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut. I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob. I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo. I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend. I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars. I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy. I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore. I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut. I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one". I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST! I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin. I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life. I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention. I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention. I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual. I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player. I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer. I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser. I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that’s how Russians roll. I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi. I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT. I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13 I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent. I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy. I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid. I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat. I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly. I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7 I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals. I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up. I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork. I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty. I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self-control. I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister. I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore. I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border. I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat. I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot. I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis. I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay. I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich. I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino. I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party. I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo. I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy. I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone. I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too. I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't. I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social. I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy. I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch. My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills. I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch. I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs. I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser. I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE… So I MUST be a whore myself. I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual. I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak. I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker. I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted. I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled. I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak. I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant. I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo. I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent. I’m QUIET if I don’t know you so I MUST be emo or anti-social. I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend. I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers. I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare. I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth. I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE. I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid. I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE. I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER! I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth. I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future. I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue. I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex. I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian. I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see. I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE. I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER. I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED. I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST. I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST. I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick. I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY. I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE. I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard. I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean. I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid. I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the time I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian. I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting. I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak. I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life. I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp. I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around. I CURSE A LOT so I MUST be a bad kid and have problems I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems PLEASE READ WHAT'S UNDER THIS!! I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parentshe loves another male. Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it Sorry for the long post. I just think this is important. I got this from Ivory’Lee Lambskank on m.fanfiction.net

[mikami]

Death Note Audio Drama 04

Disc 4: Proof of Loyalty - a summary / partial translation

Prior translations / an explanation as to what the fuck this is.

The plot is still manga-close. This episode is honestly fairly boring, it’s full of homophobic jokes that nobody asked for. But hey, Misa is here now!

_____

We begin with a Sakura TV executive conference. Demegawa wants more features like the one about the witness protection victim in Australia. Demegawa suggests provoking Kira or the cops in order to get a story. The ‘moral standpoint’ does truly not concern him. Then a special delivery comes in.

It’s a letter from Kira.

_____

TITLE MUSIC

_____

An announcement for “Kira Speaks” on Sakura TV. It’s styled as a really dramatic advertisement, with echo features and all. 

____

Sachiko visits Soichiro in the hospital.

SOICHIRO: You’re late, visiting hours are only until 8.

SACHIKO: The nurse is Emi, we went to college together. She looked the other way for a moment. 

SOICHIRO (laughs): My wife... The wife of a policeman....

SACHIKO (also laughs): Do you maybe want to arrest me, chief inspector?

Sachiko notices that Soichiro’s heart rate is no longer monitored. It’s because  he’ll get discharged tomorrow. Suddenly, Soichiro notices the TV transmission and turns the audio up.

Kira asks people to turn to other TV channels to see the people there dying, as proof of his identity. 

____

L and the Task Force are also listening. L wants to stop the transmission. Ukita drives over to Sakura TV. Misa’s Kira II speech continues very similar to the manga.

____

Soichiro gets up and leaves the hospital despite Sachiko protesting and telling him to let his team handle it. 

____

Ukita arrives at Sakura TV. He threatens employees with a gun in order to get to the studio quickly. 

____

Demegawa is THRILLED that someone with a gun is coming to the studio. He lets the security transmission of Ukita trying to get in play on a split screen with the Kira video. Ukita gets a heart attack before he can force his way into the room.

____

L stops Aizawa from also going to the TV studio. The Task Force realize that Kira no longer needs a name.

____

Sakura TV employees realize Ukita is dead. Demegawa goes on air.

DEMEGAWA: My name is Hitoshi Demegawa from Sakura TV. I apologize in the name of the program for the images you just had to witness. We’re not transmitting these news and these messages for any kind of awards or for viewer numbers, but for the good of the populace and to save innocent lives.

[He’s referring to Kira threatening their employees if they don’t send the tape. ]

____

A phone ringing. 

SACHIKO (on the phone): Light? Light, are you awake?

LIGHT: Mom? What... What time is it?

SACHIKO: It’s about your dad. 

LIGHT: Dad? Is he okay?

SACHIKO: He just discharged himself from the hospital. 

LIGHT: Oh, uh, good. Are you two taking a cab?

SACHIKO: He lost his mind!

LIGHT: I get it.

SACHIKO: And he stole an ambulance!

LIGHT: He did what?!

_____

Soichiro crashes an ambulance into Sakura TV, as he does. 

_____

Back in the studio.

DEMEGAWA: What happened to the lights?

EMPLOYEE: Power outage. In the whole building. Someone took us out.

DEMEGAWA: Are we still on air?!

EMPLOYEE: I’d say... no. 

DEMEGAWA: Who is shutting off my power?! 

EMPLOYEE: Oh, someone with a light is coming.

DEMEGAWA: I don’t need a light, I need a transmission in HD!

SOICHIRO: You’ll need a hearse, if you don’t do what I say. Hands up!

______

L and the Task Force want to turn the power off and need Kitamura to keep police away from the building. Soichiro calls.

______

Soichiro informs L that he’s got the tapes. He’s escaped and Watari is going to pick him up by car.

______

News transmission about Soichiro’s break-in. Demegawa is getting interviewed and repeats his ‘I didn’t do it for any awards’ spiel almost ad verbatim. People online, however, are commending Sakura TV and Demegawa. Demegawa also did a big donation for Ukita’s funeral.

______

At Ukita’s funeral. L and Soichiro talk about whether or not Kira is watching the funeral. They assume no, because there is a lot of police surveillance. L is still not wearing any shoes. 

Soichiro informs L that forensics hasn’t found any hints on the tapes and envelopes. L weighs the options of whether or not they’ll say yes or no to cooperating with Kira. He decides they need to decline. 

L also points out that there are two Kiras now, based on the different victim patterns and powerset. L also assumes this Kira is younger than the other.

L wants to play the two Kiras against one another and decides to add Light to the task force for real.

______

L calls Light to invite him to the Task Force. After this, Light and Ryuk watch Kira’s answer to the police refusal on TV. Light literally physically got popcorn for it.

On TV, Kira II demands to either kill L or Kitamura and that the police can choose who.

Light is pleased with Kira II so far, but also knows very much that there is risk inherent in their existence. He wants to stay careful.

______

TV broadcast of the fake Kira I message that the Task Force made. Misa is listening, delighted that Kira answered. She immediately goes to record an answer video, remarking on how it’s close to Valentine’s day.

______

Kira II tape, though not yet live broadcasted. This is the message in which she mentions the eyes and shinigami, as well as sends the fake diary. 

______

The task force discusses the new tape. They wonder about the terms eyes and shinigami. Light meanwhile is hiding out in the toilet. (L: “Maybe that’s where he gets his good ideas.”)

______

Light is FURIOUS at Kira II for mentioning the word shinigami on the tape for public TV. He’s in the bathroom to rant a little while letting water run for camouflage. 

RYUK: Come on, soldier. You have to get back in there.

LIGHT: Before they get suspicious?

RYUK: Before they think that you’ve got indigestion.

_____

They discuss the diary entry. Light discovers that it is a message about a meeting place. L then discovers that the Aoyama and the Tokyo Dome entries are about this year and not the year the diary is from. 

_____

Misa humming while getting ready. She wears Nr. 5 perfume. 

_____

They discuss how to look for a single person in a place as big as Aoyama. L analyses the speech of the second Kira. He suspects Kira II is a woman.

[Once more, I am largely guessing which task force man is which.... ]

MATSUDA?: The second Kira is... female?

L: I think so, yes. Listen. “Tried out JUMP yesterday. I liked it.”

MATSUDA: JUMP is a boy’s magazine.

L: That’s why she never read it before. “Dumbass Musume concert with the squad”...

MATSUDA: Dumbass Musume?

L: Exactly. Why would she be so negative towards a girl group?

MATSUDA: Because he’s a boy...?

SOICHIRO?: Because she’s a girl that rejects and looks down on mainstream.

MATSUDA: Still sounds like a boy to me.

L: Then this one. “Met the guy in the cafeteria. Not my type.”

MATSUDA: That proves nothing. Maybe he’s gay.

AIZAWA? (amused): So we’re looking for a gay serial killer?

MATSUDA: I’m just saying, this form of profiling is a little... heteronormative.

L: Your opinion about gay men isn’t exactly non-prejudiced either.

MATSUDA: Well, I’m not an expert of course.

L: You assume that a man who acts girly has to be homosexual...?

AIZAWA?: He’s not saying he’s walking around in dresses and high heels. He’s just saying some turns of phrase seem more like a girl.

MATSUDA: I can’t believe you’re all becoming holy knights of equality now. Just because I--

L: Gay men are also allowed to be criminals. 

Light hits the table and makes everyone focus again, agrees that Kira II sounds sooort of girly. He sums up that they’re looking for a longer girl who is trying to be social. Someone who is smarter than the people their age but nobody realizes. L says she tried to stick out before by being unconventional. Light jokes about being on the lookout for a punk girl or a gothic lolita. Light also assumes she’s a teen.

_______

MISA: Loves me... loves me not... loves me... loves me not....

Her train stop to get off is announced.

MISA: Oh! He loves me!

_______

The task force is hiding in a van in Aoyama for surveillance. They tell Aizawa to put his binoculars away as to not look like creeps. Light and Matsuda, the undercover agents for the day, come around.

SOMEONE: What the hell is Matsuda wearing?

MATSUDA: I’m just trying to fit in, okay?

LIGHT (laughs): Pride Parade is only in May.

MATSUDA: I am talking about Aoyama. The trends happen in this district, my friend. I’d only stick out with suit and sunglasses.

LIGHT: Just do whatever you want.

MATSUDA: And I will.

AIZAWA: Wait, I got it. Matsuda! I think your cover would work even better if the two of you held hands. Over.

MATSUDA (over the comm): I can’t understand. Please repeat.

SOICHIRO: Forget the order, Matsuda. Those two here had clowns for breakfast.

AIZAWA: Two queens couldn’t do it any better either. 

SOICHIRO: Focus, Aizawa. We’re looking for a killer. Keep the channel open.

L is watching from a roof. L orders the task force to split up and check the cafés. Rem and Ryuk are on the same roof as L, watching. L is cold. The shinigami suggest that he’s pretty sensitive, being able to feel their presence.

______

Ryuk and Rem introduce themselves to each other and chat about ‘my boy’ and ‘my girl’ respectively. Both of them are very convinced their kiddo is going to be smarter in this situation. Rem is oddly tempted to throw L off the roof / or kill him in another way. Then Misa got Light’s name and leaves, so Rem leaves too.

______

Misa bumps into Matsuda by accident.

MISA: Hey, watch where you’re walking!

MATSUDA: Oh, sorry.

MISA: ... cool T-shirt.

MATSUDA: Did you hear that? 

LIGHT: Hear what?

MATSUDA: I’m on eye level with the kids. Speak their language. ... uhm, I’m just saying. 

______

Misa moons over how good Light looks to Rem. She looks him up on social media and finds herself impressed with his grades. (”Just the kind of guy I’d introduce to mom and dad..... if they weren’t dead, that is.”)

______

The Task Force is faced with the fact that their investigation didn’t really do anything useful. Aizawa is pissed he had to work on his free day for this. However, Matsuda comes in with a new tape that Kira sent. The tape says Kira II found Kira and nothing else. That confirms Aoyama was the meeting point. L orders to cancel the baseball game in Tokyo Dome, so that the Kiras can’t meet at a second meeting point, since it isn’t confirmed yet if Kira II contacted Kira I.

They now decide to try and turn Kira II against Kira I by making him sound dangerous to her.

______

Yagami household. Misa suddenly shows up and introduces herself as Light’s girlfriend to Sayu. Light also comes downstairs.

MISA: Darling. You never mentioned your sister is such a beauty.

LIGHT: No! No, I.... this sister?

Sachiko comes in and Light asks Misa up to his room, getting away from the crowded situation. 

SACHIKO: This came out of nowhere... 

SAYU: He kept her a secret from us.... 

SACHIKO: Look at those shoes. It’s a miracle she’s able to walk in those.

SAYU: I like her. She’s got style.

SACHIKO: You’re just saying this because she called you good-looking.

SAYU: Because a rational-thinking human being would never get that idea, right? 

SACHIKO: Oh Sayu. You know exactly what I mean.

SAYU: Of course! No wonder I turned out so meek and shy. 

SACHIKO: Don’t be so melodramatic, dear.

SAYU: My own mother thinks I’m ugly!

SACHIKO (laughs): I didn’t say that!

______

Light and Misa are in his room. She explains how she found Light (”I saw you in Aoyama, with your strange buddy Matsuda. What was he supposed to be? A pirate or something?”).  They show each other their shinigami. 

______

Sachiko is very displeased about Light bringing home such a girl and going up to his room with her to make out. She and Sayu chat about it briefly.

_____

Misa declares her motto is “Live fast, die young... slay all my enemies.” when she explains why she took the deal. 

Light and Misa’s “Make me your girlfriend” talk is fairly similar to the manga. 

Then Sachiko interrupts to throw Misa out (politely) and the episode ends.

[galadrieljones]

The Lily Farm - Chapter 26 (Arthur x Mary Beth)

 AO3 | Masterpost

Rating: M (Mature) - sexual content, violence, and adult themes

To help her process Sean’s death, Mary Beth asks Arthur to take her on a hunting trip, somewhere far away. He agrees, and on their journey to the north, they find quietude and take comfort in their easy bond. They’ve been friends for a while now, but life, like the wilderness, is full of uncertainty and complications, and in their desperate search for meaning together, they endure a number of trials, some small, some big, all of which bring them closer to one another, as well as to their future. But they’ve fallen in love during hard times. With the gang tipping dangerously close to a breaking point in a changing world, Arthur must make a difficult choice. Can he escape his past, as well as the outlaw life, in order to start a family of his own? With Mary Beth by his side, one thing is certain: redemption and second chances finally seem within his grasp.

***Chapter 25 cw: strong violence (canon typical), vague reference to sexual violence **

Chapter 26: Goslings

When Mary Beth was a little girl, her father once shot and killed a pair of thieves—a couple of good-for-nothing petty outlaws who had been rustling around their property, picking off their goats for months. Whenever they came around, he would take her big brother out and arm him with a shotgun. Before they left, he would say, “Mary Beth, you stay inside with your mama,” and so she would stay inside with her mama, and together, they would make clay figurines like dogs and trains and things and cook them in the kiln, or else they would bake a pie or knit or sit by the window and read aloud the gothic tales of Edgar Allan Poe. Mary Beth so loved The Raven. Meanwhile, her mother would keep a loaded shotgun by the door but she did not act as if anything were terrible or amiss.

The night those thieves finally got their comeuppance, Mary Beth had been looking out the window, braiding her long hair. She was just minding her own business when, in the light from the big moon, she saw one of them—a strange-looking man, come running out of the woods and toward the house with his gun drawn and this look on his face like he was an animal. It was wrong. That was all she remembered thinking. It was wrong, and it happened in a kind of slow motion, as her mother was in the kitchen making tea, and the kettle was screaming, and so she had no idea. Mary Beth was alone. She froze in childish fear as she watched the man coming. She stood alone in the window, unable to yell or do anything at all but wait helplessly, as if she were in a dream. He made it all the way to the foot of the porch before her daddy put him down with his rifle from the tree line. Mary Beth closed her eyes and covered her ears. Her mother came running when she heard the sound of the gun but to her it was none the difference.

Mary Beth still wonders sometimes what would have happened if the bad man had gotten into the house. Would her mother have known what to do? Would her father or brother have gotten there in time? Whenever bad things happened to the gang, Mary Beth was typically hidden away with Abigail and Tilly and Jack and Miss Grimshaw and Karen—Jenny, too before she got shot. She longed for adventure but never had the chops or the know-how to exact her longing upon the world until she went hunting with Arthur. She did not want to kill anybody. She was not a killer, and she knew it. He was right about that, but the world was still all full of bad men. Bad men running toward her door with their big guns and their animal teeth.

“You ain’t gonna do nothing to me, Colm O'Driscoll,” said Mary Beth, her gun pointed. Colm was about fifteen feet away, and she was pretty sure she could make the shot. Even if he didn’t die, he’d be fucked up half to death with buckshot, and that was good enough. But her hands were shaking. She was standing at the window trying not to freeze.

Colm still had his hands up, in surrender. “What makes you so sure?”

“Because,” she said, renewing her grip on the gun. “Dutch might secretly relish the drama of a blood feud, but Arthur has no such vanity inside him. If you kill me, he will end you, even if he kills himself in the process, and you know that ain’t gonna be pretty.”

Colm took a step forward, considering. Mary Beth had nowhere to go, but she knew she had a point. “Maybe you’re right,” he said.

“Back up.”

“Maybe I ought to just haul you off like I did with Annabelle.”

“Don’t say her name.”

“But unlike her, I could keep you alive,” he went on, “as bait. I bet I could get Arthur Morgan to do all sorts of mean things to get you back. Though my boys is mighty starved for affection, don’t you forget, and that might be worse for you in the end.”

“Fuck you.”

He laughed. “A fighter? Just like she was. You know, she caught me good, right before I strung her up. Right here, with the blade of a beautiful hunting knife.” He leaned into the light then, showing Mary Beth a fine scar across his right cheekbone. “Those van der Linde boys, they do got feisty taste in women, I’ll give them that.”

“At least they get women.”

“Their primitive weakness.”

“Seems they’re doing just fine.”

He smiled.

Then, there was a sound, coming from the front of the cave. Mary Beth moved fast when Colm turned to see. She wound up and swung that gun like a baseball bat, lit him clean over the head as hard as she could. He stumbled, swore, but when she tried to get past him, he grabbed her by the skirts and yanked her backward, tossing her into the cave walls like a sack of potatoes. It was nothing for him. She hit hard but caught her balance, and she was able to bring up the gun in an effort to shoot, but it was too late.

Somebody else was in the cave.

Mary Beth got distracted. It was footsteps, and in this time, Colm lurched forward and wrestled the gun away from her. She screamed. Then there was a low voice.

“Colm,” it said.

They both turned to see this time, but it was dark, and in the space of a second, a single gunshot rang out from where they were looking, and Colm went down without warning. He cried out. At first Mary Beth thought he had was dead meat, but it turned out he had only been caught in the precise back of the knee. He was writhing. And the gun had gone down with him, making a great big clang, and he did try swiping at her feet, unable to stand, but she stole the gun and backed away from him, unsure of where to point it next but emboldened nonetheless. “Don’t move,” she said.

“It’s okay, Miss Gaskill,” said Dutch. He walked out of the darkness, smoke alighting the barrel of his revolver. He holstered it up, stepped over Colm and his squirming disposition. He was removing his gloves, one finger at a time, looking like a surgeon as he gazed at her through the dim light of the cave. “You can put the gun down, sweetheart. It’s okay.”

She nearly collapsed into the earth, the relief so sudden. She dropped the gun to her side and steadied herself against the cave wall. It was cold and damp and the blood was pounding in her skull like a fuckin freight train. “Sweet Jesus,” she said.

“Motherfucker,” Colm groaned.

“That’s right,” said Dutch. He followed up then with one long stride, a quick swing of his boot, striking hard across the meat of Colm’s jaw. Mary Beth could have sworn that man picked straight up off the ground, flipped inside out and then landed hard on his back, wheezing and coughing, rolling onto his side, spitting blood into the dirt. Dutch tucked his gloves into his back pocket. “It’s me. The motherfucker.”

Mary Beth waited, pressed to the wall. She looked at Colm, and then she looked at Dutch, and she did not move. Dutch had entered a sort of trance, she thought. He circled Colm, as a predator. He took a handkerchief from his pocket, and he wiped the sweat from his brow, and then he put the handkerchief back in his pocket again.

“Did he touch you, Miss Gaskill?” he said then. She noticed he looked very tired and dirty. He had blood on his vest and his sleeves—from the fight at Lone Mule, she expected. She looked away, too scared to ask. She didn’t wanna know. Not yet. “No,” she said. “I mean, he roughed me up a little but nothing like you mean.”

Dutch nodded, cracking his knuckles. “Did he threaten to touch you, Miss Gaskill? Like I mean?”

She blinked, catching his drift. She held the gun close to her chest and nodded. “Yes.”

This seemed to enrage him. He kicked Colm again, in the gut this time. Colm yelped and rolled over but then much to her surprise, he began to laugh, maniacally, as if he had just realized what the hell was going on.

“If it ain’t ol daddy Dutch,” he said, coughing, “as I live and breathe.”

“Living and breathing ain’t in the cards for you too much longer, Colm,” said Dutch.

“I was just admiring—” his breath rattled, like maybe he’d punctured a lung. “Just admiring Miss Gaskill here. A pretty piece, even for you boys. I’m surprised you don’t take them spoils for yourself.”

“Shut up,” said Mary Beth.

Colm laughed.

“You’re like an animal,” she said.

“Don’t waste your breath, Miss Gaskill,” said Dutch, studying. “It ain’t worth it.”

Then, something changed. Without further delay, Dutch got down and straddled Colm and started beating the shit out of his face. It was alarming, like something had snapped inside him.

“This is for Arthur,” he said, hitting him again, and again. Dutch was a big man, very tall, and he was stronger than he appeared. “You tried. To take him. From me.” He then took to strangling Colm with two hands, a veritable death grip. Colm tried to struggle, but it was no use. As Dutch put him out of commission, he got real close, almost nose to nose, and he said, “And this is for them.”

Mary Beth could only watch from the corner of the cave. For a moment, she had forgotten where she was and how she had gotten here. The shock of it all and the speed with which so much change had taken place was so extreme. She could hardly remember. It was like waking up from a nightmare. But after a little while, she realized what was going on, and then she realized that Dutch was still over there, still holding down Colm’s wind pipe even as Colm was already dead and had been dead for some minutes.

She became hurried. She left the gun. She went to Dutch, and she got to her knees and tried to ease his hands away from Colm’s throat. “Dutch,” she said, trying to be gentle. He wouldn’t respond. She picked up his face, using all her strength, and she finally got him to look up, to see her eyes. “Dutch,” she pleaded. “Dutch, he’s dead. You can stop now. He’s dead. It’s over.”

“Over?”

She nodded, trying to shake him out of it. “Yes. It’s okay. You can stop.”

He surfaced, blinked a bunch of times. All the air seemed to go out of him, and he sort of lurched forward a little to try and catch his breath. Then he looked down at what he was doing and he immediately sat back with his hands resting on his knees. He looked at Colm O’Driscoll. Dead. He looked at his hands, and then he looked up at Mary Beth.

“Are you all right?” she said.

It took him a moment to register exactly what she had asked of him. But at some point, he shook his head. “No,” he said. “I’m not, Miss Gaskill. Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” she said. “Where’s everybody else, Dutch? Are they—”

“They’re okay,” he said. He patted her on the back, seeming to normalize, if only for a second and he got to his feet, slowly, dusting his hands off on his slacks. “Arthur is fine. Don’t worry. They were on their way in to free Kieran when I—I saw Colm trying to sneak away. I tracked him here alone.”

“Thank you,” said Mary Beth, in earnest. She was standing too now, feeling eager. “You saved my life.”

“I would never let anything happen to you, Mary Beth.” He sort of stumbled. She caught him. He leaned into her, seeming dizzy all of a sudden. He was heavy, but she could handle it. “You,” he went on, “or Arthur. You’re my goddam family.”

“I know,” she said, trying to steady him against the wall. “I know, Dutch. I know.”

Just then they heard more footsteps, coming quickly into the cave.

“Mary Beth?”

It was Arthur.

She looked at Dutch, then she picked up her skirts and went running. The cave was filling with light as the sun rose outside. It flooded through the skylight, all pinks and yellows. She went into Arthur's embrace, and he held her tightly.

“You’re okay,” she said.

He smiled into her hair. “Yes, I’m okay.”

“Did you get Kieran?”

“We did. He’s a little messed up, but he’ll be fine.”

She breathed.

“We can’t find Dutch,” he said then, pushing her hood down, the hair off her shoulders, “or Colm. I’m worried—”

“Dutch is here,” she said. “He’s in the cave.”

“He’s here?”

They parted. She looked up at Arthur and took a deep breath. He had a shiner on his cheek but it was nothing alarming. He didn’t seem to be bleeding from anywhere. “Something bad happened,” she said.

This confused him, so she took his hand and led him to the back of the cave. Dutch was there, in the pale circle of light from the oil lamp, sitting with his head hanging between his knees. In front of him with the dead body of Colm O’Driscoll.

“Holy shit,” said Arthur, scanning the situation and removing his hat. “What happened?”

“Colm came,” said Mary Beth. “He was—looking for some place to hide. He found me.”

Arthur looked shocked, and he had this wildness then, something unhinged about it, just around the edges, like he might snap. She hadn’t seen it much before. But then he softened when he looked at her. He put some of the hair behind her ear. It calmed him down. “Are you all right?”

She nodded. “I’m fine. He didn’t—it was scary, but he didn’t do nothing to me. Dutch came in time. Killed him, obviously.”

Arthur sighed, real serious. He went over to Dutch then, stepping over Colm'd body. He got down to one knee to try and figure out what was going on. “Dutch,” he said. Dutch was unresponsive. He snapped his fingers. “Dutch. You conscious?”

Finally, he looked up. His head sort of swiveled. He blinked and exhaled. “Arthur.”

“You okay?” said Arthur. He reached around into his satchel, handed Dutch a canteen of cold water. Dutch took a drink, gave it back, wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

“I'm fine,” he said. He got up again. Arthur helped him to his feet. “Jesus Christ.”

“You killed him,” said Arthur, testing the body with his boot. “Colm O’Driscoll. He’s dead.”

“Indeed,” said Dutch, breathing heavily, his hands on his hips. “Did we get Kieran?”

“Yes,” said Arthur. “Everyone’s outside.”

“Good.” Dutch nodded. “Very good, son.” He clapped his hand to Arthur's back, and then he turned around and proceeded to haul Colm O’Driscoll’s body up off the floor of the cave and over his shoulder. Arthur offered to help, but Dutch wouldn’t allow it. “Go on,” he said instead. “Both of you. Get. Let’s not spend another goddam minute in this goddam cave.”

He went out first, lumbering, but sure on his feet. Once he was out of earshot, Arthur said to Mary Beth, “What all happened here, exactly?”

She shrugged, slinging her shotgun over her shoulder. “I’ll tell you later,” she said.

He nodded, then he turned to her again, one more time before they left the cave. It was cold and eerie but they were alone. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he said.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, Mary Beth. I should’ve—”

“There was no way you could’ve known, Arthur,” she said. “I’m sure I was still safer here, in the grand scheme.”

He sighed, pulled her in again, real firm, kissing the top of her head. “You’re too brave, woman.”

She laughed at this. Truth be told, she was still shook up, but having him back, knowing the night was over—it was enough to sustain her. “Ain’t no such thing as too brave,” she said.

They were about to leave then, Arthur with his arm slung around her shoulders. But before they could get outside, Mary Beth thought of something. She stopped him.

“Something wrong?” said Arthur.

“I’m not sure,” she said, glancing around, as if making sure they were still alone. “It’s just—I gotta tell you, now. Dutch said something, while he was…strangling Colm. It worried me.”

“What did he say?”

“Well, first, he was just beating him up. He said it was for you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah,” said Mary Beth. “He said, ‘This is for Arthur,’ and then some other stuff. That part…that’s not what I’m talking about.”

Arthur seemed surprised, a little taken aback maybe. “What else did he say?”

“It was right at the end,” said Mary Beth. “Right before Colm…died. He said, ‘This is for them.’”

Arthur gave her a look. He lit a cigarette, gave it to her. She smoked, took a big, long drag, let the nicotine soak into her blood, calm her nerves considerably. “Them?” he said.

“Yeah, them,” said Mary Beth, exhaling the smoke. “Do you know of anyone else Colm might’ve killed, other than Annabelle? Who Dutch was talking about?”

“No,” said Arthur, shaking his head. He’d lit his own cigarette now, smoked and closed his eyes like he was trying to remember, but it was crickets. “No.”

Outside, Charles had steadied Kieran and they were sitting down on a long piece of driftwood and Kieran was drinking some water out of a tin cup. Kieran was bloodied up in his face, real good, and he looked shook to high hell, but he wasn’t shot, and he was conscious. He seemed to fill with considerable warmth when Mary Beth went over and sat down beside him.

“Hi, Miss Gaskill,” he said, real bashful.

“Hey, Kieran.”

“I’m sorry I—I missed our last reading lesson.”

She took his hand. She smiled, close to crying. She had a real soft spot for him, and she was very relieved. Maybe she knew somewhere deep down he had taken a shine to her, and she didn’t feel the same, but they were friends. She hoped he knew. “I was real worried,” she said.

“Arthur said it was you who lead the way.”

“I couldn’t’ve done it alone,” she said.

When Dutch hauled Colm’s body out into the advancing daylight then, Sadie went right over to him. She was all dirty, blood staining her neck and one whole side of her face, and she seemed full of pent-up rage and excitement. “You did it. You killed him.” She wiped her face on the back of her hand, sheathing her knife.

“That, I did,” said Dutch. “Colm O’Driscoll is dead. But there are many O’Driscolls, not just the thirteen we dispatched of tonight. They won't take kindly to this.”

“What you gonna do?” said Sadie. “If you’re going for more of them, you gotta bring me with you.”

“Calm yourself, Mrs. Adler,” said Dutch, placing his hand on her shoulder. “One step at a time.”

“What now, Dutch?” said Arthur.

“Now,” said Dutch, “we get the hell out of here. Charles, Sadie, the two of you bring Mr. O’Driscoll’s body down to the Sheriff’s station in St. Denis. There’s gonna be a considerable bounty on his head, and we’re gonna reap it.” He looked at Arthur. “Arthur, Mary Beth, the two of you get Kieran back to Shady Belle, and then I want you to…take a break. Take a vacation. Come back, if you will, please, but get out of the swamps for a week or two. Mary Beth, you been through enough.”

“What about you?” said Arthur.

“I’m—I’m gonna stay here,” he said, looking around. “I need to…clear my head. Get my bearings. I need a plan.”

“You can’t stay here alone,” said Arthur. “It ain’t safe. We're mighty close to Blackwater, Dutch.”

"I’ll be fine, Arthur,” said Dutch, looking up at him from beneath the low brim of his black hat. “Please. Take your fiancé, and leave.”

“Fiancé?” said Sadie, looking from Mary Beth to Arthur then back to Mary Beth. “You two engaged?”

This seemed to defuse everything, all the badness from the night and the uncertainty on the beach. It went away in an instant.

Arthur took a deep breath and scratched at his beard. He deferred to Mary Beth. She became self-conscious and blushed. “Yes, we are.”

“Well, congratulations,” said Sadie, real happy all of a sudden, slugging Arthur in the shoulder. She was coming to her faculties again and smiling, looking more like Sadie. But it was always a certain sadness, with Sadie—back behind her eyes somewhere. “When’s the wedding?”

“Wedding?” said Kieran, looking wobbly. He blinked, looked around, bleary-eyed but okay. “I’ve missed quite a bit, I guess. I need to catch up.”

"You need to rest,” said Arthur. “You been through a fair amount of hell back there.”

“And we ain’t���we don’t got specifics, Sadie,” said Mary Beth, shyly. “I’ll let you know.”

Charles patted Arthur on the back in a stoic manner. “That’s good, man. Real good.”

“Thanks, Charles.”

“Anyway,” said Dutch. “Now that we’re all here and together and established again like one big, happy family, it’s time to disperse.”

“We hear you,” said Arthur. “But I just—” He leaned close, lowered his voice. Dutch seemed out of sorts, and with all that stuff Mary Beth had said back in the cave, he was worried. “Are you sure you wanna stay here, by yourself? We’ll stay with you. It’s no problem.”

“I’m sure,” said Dutch. “Tell Hosea I’ll be back in a few days.”

Arthur nodded, hooking his gloved hands over his belt. "Okay," he said, unwilling to argue. He looked around as Charles and Sadie started deconstructing their camp. All seemed clear. It was a new day by now, with the sun up over the lake and soaking their insides with its warmth and renewal. A flock of geese had come down to roost by the water's edge. Some of them were going out and wetting their feathers. A bunch of little babies were waddling in a straight line behind their mother. Mary Beth came over. "Look at them goslings," she said, pointing. "See them, Arthur?"

A breeze came through, blowing her hair around. The air smelled good.

"Yeah, they're real cute," he said, smiling down at her. He asked Mary Beth if she would like to wear his jacket, as that breeze was chilly.

"I'm okay," she said, linking her arm in his, placing her head on his shoulder. "Thanks, Arthur." They watched the birds.

[clockmongler]

i posted this on twitter and  i’m gonna post this here:

#DMC5 and the problem with V, aka Why It Felt Like Capcom Came Into My Living Room, Snatched My Wig, and Made Me Kick My Own Cat: an essay 

obviously spoilers

I see a lot of people rolling their eyes about some players saying they grew attached to V as a character. We should be happy he served his purpose as a plot-point and move on. He was a gimmick character. Itsuno wasn't even sold on the idea of people liking him. Why even care?

I'll tell you why: because he was entirely designed - from visuals, to story, to gameplay - FOR you to care. And not just because his ultimate role in bringing back a fan favorite.

Let's go back to 2005. In the pile of stuff that came spewing forth from RE4's Production Hell Bosom were 2 very important games. One was obviously DMC in 2001, but there was a second, less talked about game. A game Capcom wants to pretend they don't remember. But I remember it.

It was called Haunting Ground. You see a LOT of DMC3 in it, from the gothic set designs to the soundtrack, but in tone it's a completely different beast. Haunting Ground is basically what Clock Tower 3 was GOING to be: a hide-and-seek survival horror and not... magical girls.

You played a hapless, defenseless heroine named Fiona Belli. Fiona is a pretty, tiny creature in revealing clothing and is terrified of her surroundings to the point where her panic is a gameplay mechanic. The only things she can do herself are run, hide, kick, and throw things. You aren't wholly meant to identify as Fiona. You're meant to want to protect her. This is stated immediately in the booklet given with the game, and it's something the game actually pulls off incredibly well.

Instead of a gun, sword, or even magic to defend herself, Fiona is given a pet. She is given a white German Sheppard named Hewie, and instead of singularly controlling Fiona, you need to multitask and use the right joystick to also give commands to Hewie.

The entire game centers around the bond between Fiona and Hewie. You feed Hewie when he's injured. You train him by praising what he's done right and scolding him when he doesn't listen. You solve puzzles together. By the end of the game, the two of you have become partners.

But Hewie's biggest asset is physically protecting Fiona. Stalkers will barge into your happy little puzzle-solving time to mutilate poor Fiona for her Azoth (aka her mystical McGuffin) and pressing up on the right joystick sends Hewie into attack mode. By throwing himself at enemies, Hewie is the only thing keeping Fiona from... all the horrific, terrifying things the antagonists want to do to her. If this sounds familiar to you, it's because you're getting what I'm laying down: V is Fiona Belli.

V is a hapless, mostly helpless hero. He's a pretty, tiny creature in revealing clothing who is the only playable character in the DMC series to show any amount of panic and fear over his surroundings. The only things he himself can do is hit things with a cane or run.

Look at every other playable character in the game (yes, even unlockables like Lady and Trish): they're ALL power fantasies. They're cool. They're unflappable. They're witty and wield weapons bigger than Nero's inferiority complex. You're meant to relate and feel COOL.

V is... different. Yes, he's still cool in his own way. He puts on an air of being unflappable. But he's quieter. His humor is dry. His taunts are either to endearingly goof off and tap-dance, play air violin, or... double-over and go into a terrifying coughing fit. You are reminded at every opportunity just how fragile and sickly V is. It causes a slight separation between player and character, like with Fiona, in a way that forces you to not want to BE this person, but to PROTECT this person and I think a lot of people are missing that.

Like with Fiona, V ends up using pets to protect himself. Giant murder-bird Griffon is fiercely loyal and protective, even when being teasing. Aside from Nero, most of V's conversations happen with Griffon, who quickly establishes himself as V's best friend.

Griffon constantly flies you out of harm's way in the form of a dodge. He banters with V in the middle of fights. He asks after his health, and praises him for doing well in battle with adorable little things like "YER A SUPERSTAR, V!!" And while we as a people are forever robbed of having a Griffon Style Announcer, V has a similar, if less obvious relationship with Shadow, the big giant kitty. Griffon does the talking for the other two familiars, but Shadow is also there in battle and out: helping you move, helping you dodge, and even resting at V's feet like you'd see a guard-dog doing. It even has an idle animation of sitting down and just... watching him. It's quiet, but the care is there. Even Nightmare, who's just a blob of death and destruction, feels like a part of the team.

In your last mission as V, you're stripped of all of your familiars and need to reclaim them one by one. This is the point where you truly see just how weak V is without them: he can't run several paces without collapsing in on himself in exhaustion. Dodging causes him to raise his arm in the air in the expectation of Griffon taking his wrist like he would any other time, only for Griffon to not be there. He can whistle for his familiars, his FRIENDS, to come to his side... and they won't. You're alone. V's alone. So getting them back is important not just for protecting V, but because these things have become your friends. You feel a joy and relief when each one comes back to you. You get the gang back together. The boys are back in town.  And then...

So. Back to Haunting Ground. In the end of the game (if you were nice to Hewie and why wouldn't you be, you monster), Fiona escapes the clutches of the last Stalker, who wanted to use her McGuffin to create a fuller, more perfect form of himself. She and Hewie dump his ass into some convenient lava and eventually watch him burn out after having to defeat the real final boss which was that goddamn falling statue. Fiona is stronger. She refuses to be used as the ends of someone else's means. She's her own damn person.

Fiona and Hewie leave the castle they've been trapped in all game together. If you leave the first stalker alive, he'll catch sight of this woman he spent one third of a game terrorizing and she STARES HIM DOWN. She's not having it anymore. So the guy bows to her. And without saying a word, Fiona turns her back to him and walks the fuck away. BAMF of the year. 10/10. She, Hewie, and you worked your ass off for this ending and you deserve it. Go live happily ever after with your dog, girl.

...but now I want you to imagine something different. Instead of Fiona beating that last Stalker, she loses. Lorenzo wins. She is killed and her McGuffin is absorbed into him and this woman you've spent all this time caring and protecting for is no more. You are then given control of another character who is then tasked with shooting Hewie, your best friend. This creature that has protected you and Fiona your entire journey. Your PET. 

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED WITH V.

Yes, circumstances are different. In order for Vergil to take responsibility for the dumbass shenanigans he'd done, V had to stop existing and reform into him and he merged with Urizen knowing that. V can't have Fiona's happy ending. But the point is that we're SUPPOSED to be sad about this. Anyone trying to call people out by calming this IS the happy ending, that V is just a part of Vergil and technically got as best as he was going to is missing the entire goddamn point.

Capcom designed this character, having successfully done it before, for you to get attached. The loss of not only him, but the things that protected him, his friends, even if it means getting something stronger and shinier, is meant to be a painful sacrifice. People are complaining BY DESIGN. It isn't baseless fan-harping over the cute goth boy (...okay, some of it is that). It's more than that. 

And I'll take a formal apology from Matt Walker for the heartbreak, thank you and good night. 

[butterfly-on-my-love]

Misfits Digimon AU!

No one asked.

I did this with the Creatures and the Derp Crew way way back so why not? I had images for those, so I might do some here but not now.

~Matt~

Partner: Falcomon Digivolution line: Puwamon-Pinamon-Falcomon-Peckmon-Crowmon-Ravemon-Ravemon Burst Mode Crest/Digi-Egg: Reliability

Matt met his perfect partner when a large black egg came out of his computer one late night. He had been editing the podcast, half asleep, and only really realized something was going on when the screen froze and turned whiter than an angel’s wings. The egg formed and appeared on his lap with a small device. He hadn’t been high or drunk, and was almost positive he was dreaming. It wasn’t until all the other guys, and some others online, had eggs, too. He made a joke about turning it into breakfast. “Think we can turn it into breakfast? How do you like your eggs, guys?” “I am not food!” A tiny voice had stated loudly. Angry little eyes on a brown tuft of fur glared up at Matt, then softened with joy. “I’m Puwamon, your partner!”

As Puwamon grew to Pinamon and then Falcomon, Matt learned to care for and love the creature. It wasn’t until Falcomon turned into Peckmon to save Matt that he realized just how much he cared for the ninja bird. Their bond only strengthened as they grew together.

~Jay~

Partner: Gatomon Digivolution line: SnowBotamon-Nyaromon-Salamon-Gatomon-Angewomon-Ophanimon/Mastemon (w/ BlackGatomon) Crest/Digi-Egg: Light

Jay’s partner transcended the regular Rookie stage, going to full Champion. Jay and Mason were the only two to have permanent Champion-level partners. They’re also the only two with partners that DNA digivolve to Mega level together. Jay fell in love with SnowBotamon from the start, especially knowing his best friend had the same Digimon. She only got cuter as she grew, eventually branching off from her sister and becoming a white angel. She and Jay sing together all the time. Like Jay and Mason, Gatomon and BlackGatomon tend to encourage each others’ antics.

~Mason~

Partner: BlackGatomon Digivolution line: SnowBotamon-Nyaromon-Salamon-BlackGatomon-LadyDevimon-Minervamon/Mastemon (w/ Gatomon) Crest/Digi-Egg: Hope

It’s no surprise that Jay’s partner and crest match perfectly, and they match him, but Mason didn’t think his matched at all. He had a black cat that turned into a lady demon, and his crest was Hope. How had he managed that? He wasn’t ever hopeful of shit. Okay, he was, secretly. The little black and purple creature was hopeful, too, but never showed it. They complimented each other perfectly, as they did with Jay and Gatomon. BlackGatomon was the brains to Mason’s brawn, helping him keep a level head and not run head first, stupidly, into danger, like he so often wanted to.

~Toby~

Partner: Lalamon Digivolution line: Nyokimon-Budmon-Lalamon-Sunflowmon-Lilamon-Rosemon-Rosemon Burst Mode Crest/Digi-Egg: Love “Fuck yeah! I get a sexy woman as my partner!” That’s the first thing Toby said as he faced almost certain death in a big fight. Lilamon rivaled LadyDevimon and Angewomon, but Rosemon’s appearance was Toby’s proudest moment. “I’m a proud mother.” He had commented after the fight was over. He and Lalamon are always out shopping together. He often gets her matching accessories. The two are always looking after the others, too.

~Cam~

Partner: Renamon Digivolution line: Relemon-Viximon-Renamon-Kyubimon-Taomon-Sakuyamon-Kuzuhamon Crest/Digi-Egg: Courage

Cam’s perfect partner was a fox, but one that was even taller than him. A small furball grew into a towering beast that he loved more than anything. He enjoyed when she moved to all fours in her Champrion form. He was taller than her again, but her ultimate form and mega form towered over him again. Her “extra-mile” evolution, Kuzuhamon, scared him at first. Had he been too prideful in her and made her dark digivolve? She had become almost scary with her dark color scheme, but she assured him that she could only achieve this form with his help. It was the best form she could turn into, and very few of her kind did.

~Swagger~

Partner: Kotemon Digivolution line: MetalKoromon-Kapurimon-Kotemon-Gladimon-Knightmon-Crusadermon Crest/Digi-Egg: Friendship

As the only member of the group to not have a partner with an “extra-step” in their evolution line, he was lucky enough to get a borderline God as his partner. Despite his pink coloring, Crusadermon identifies as a male that gives no fucks. “I am pink because it’s a cool color.” He always says when Toby asks and when Mason makes fun of him. He shuts shit down like Negan would, proving to Swagger that he is his perfect partner, through and through. It was cool to have a tiny little guy with a mask hiding his face and a stick to fight with. It was cooler to have a little fat knight, and even cooler still to have a bigger knight. Yet, Crusadermon took the cake in all his pink glory. It was like his childhood fantasy coming true.

~Bee~

Partner: FanBeemon Digivolution line: Pupumon-Puroromon-FanBeemon-Waspmon-CannonBeemon-TigerVespamon-Grademon Crest/Digi-Egg: Sincerity

Obviously, Bianca was gifted with a Bee Digimon as her perfect partner. FanBeemon was adorable, but definitely bigger than the average human bee. She and Bee quickly became best friends and did everything together. FanBeemon formed a crush on Kotemon, sometimes getting into trouble just so he could save her. She enjoyed becoming Grademon just to prove she was better than he was, though.

~Brodie~

Partner: Palmon Digivolution line: Nyokimon-Tanemon-Palmon-Togemon-Lillymon-BanchoLillymon-Rafflesimon Crest/Digi-Egg: Knowledge

Palmon and Lalamon were as good of friends as their human partners were. Palmon, however, had quickly formed a crush on Falcomon. Unlike her other friend, FanBeemon, she didn’t try and get into dumb situations to be saved. She admired from afar, but proved her own strength, too. She once saved Falcomon and Matt, but they, too, had once saved them. Palmon would never forget the moment Crowmon had swooped in and saved her, as Matt leaped off of his back to catch a falling Brodie. Lillymon and Lilamon were close in design, but BanchoLillymon was “epic,” according to Toby. She was a gothic beauty that became even more gorgeous when she took the extra step to becoming Rafflesimon. Much like her other female counterparts, all the boy Digimon swooned over her. Except the one she wanted most.

~John~

Partner: Vorvomon Digivolution line: Mokumon-DemiMeramon-Vorvomon-Lavorvomon-Lavogaritamon-Volcanicdramon-AncientVolcanomon Crest/Digi-Egg: Vanity

What’s better than a goddess for a partner? A dragon that is made of lava and smoke. Vorvomon is adorable and fierce, and a little vain. He often steals John’s rings because they are “shiny” and he likes them. The two also have contests to see who can blow more smoke. John’s vape tricks amaze the small dragon, but in his final form of Volcanidramon, he out smokes anyone. He’s proud of this fact, too.

~Jaren~

Partner: Gomamon Digivolution line: Pichimon-Bukamon-Gomamon-Ikkakumon-Zudomon-Vikemon-Plesiomon Crest/Digi-Egg: Desire

What’s more Canadian than a seal? One that turns into both a Viking beast and a mythological Cryptid dinosaur. Jaren refers to Gomamon as “Bappo” from time to time, for no other reason than to piss the little guy off. Gomamon hates the nickname, but he loves his partner too much to truly be mad. He’ll never admit it, but after a while, he gets used to it. The two are a perfect pair, and match John and Vorvomon. Vorvomon is a fire monster, while Gomamon loves the water. They’re perfect best friends.

~Ezra~

Partner: Patamon Digivolution line: Poyomon-Tokomon-Patamon-Angemon-MagnaAngemon-Seraphimon-ShadowSeraphimon Crest/Digiegg: Kindness

Okay, so you’d think the kind of Raccoons would get a Raccoon as a partner. Sadly, none exist, so he is stuck with an orange hamster with wings. Patamon turns into an angel, and by his “extra step,” is dark and beautiful. Ezra jokes he made him this way with his dark humor, but the idea of the angel of kindness and hope forming into a shadowy fallen angel terrified him at first. It made up for not being a Raccoon and for being a literal religious being. Ezra wouldn’t admit it, but Angemon had better hair than he did.

~Grizzy~

Partner: Bearmon Digivolution line: Punimon-Tsunomon-Bearmon-Grizzlymon-Pandamon-BanchoLeomon-Callismon Crest/Digi-Egg: Guts

Nelson was surprised to get a partner at all. But Bearmon, with his cute little snapback, was perfect. He couldn’t be happier to have him. How the little bear turned into a grizzly, then a panda, than a goddamn lion in a suit, and then to a bigger grizzly bear with guns for hands, he didn’t know, nor care. He loved his little buddy more than anything.