#but we’ll see if i’m ever able to commit to actually doing it

[littlelovelyspiderling]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhmaxinggg I loved your newest chapter update!! I took my time reading er as not to rush through it too fast 🫶 cherish all the sweetness within. Ugh Tony bein a total goofy dad walkin in like “so whos this LaDy you have a CRuSH on son” like dad go home. And teasing shmoozin Johnny is back full force 😍😫😍 I cannot wait until he gets to bask in the full force of spideys blushing once he see’s him face to face 👯‍♂️👯‍♂️ gonna need some sun screen from them cheek rays ☺️

Very excited for the next instalment ☺️ I would truly and happily read a book you’ve wrote with yer own characters and everything, such a talented author i stg 🙌

Anywayyyyss have a good night! ✨⭐️🌠

YAAAY MORE LONG RANTS MY FAVORITEEE 😍

heehee thank you for all your kindness 🫶🏼 tony is trying his best to be supportive but at the same time is a dumbass who accidentally screwed everything up lol

i have a very big & dramatic moment planned for when peter is gonna reveal himself to johnny and i cannot WAIT to get to that part you have no idea 😫😫 but i suck and like to drag everything out for as long as possible cuz im a slow burner at heart

who knows - maybe after i finish this story ill write a book 🤷🏼‍♀️ i think once i get thru this, i’ll have the confidence to flesh out my own world and characters without the crutch of using ones that already exist & people already know & love. we shall see

yall are too sweet & big big thanks again ☺️

[exopelagic]

auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr

[buttered-milky]

https://youtu.be/XqXZ0tJppok?si=kF5httv3agxyOzqe

Messmer can actually turns into a snake it's his original form, and he looks soo abused and neglected maybe because of the seal?

Eeeee okay so. The summon he uses a: appears to have more blood and/or burn wounds on it. and b: otherwise has most of its scales and doesn’t have the transparency effect I thought it had like the winged serpents!! Also there’s a bunch of eyeballs all over the place but we’ll get to those later.

Burn wounds are pretty straightforward and also interesting since they imply either the serpent fucked around and found out (Messmer burned it) or the serpent fucked around and found out (burned itself like an idiot, not surprising in the slightest for snakes since they miss prey strikes all the time and are, in my humble snake owner opinion, some of the dumbest creatures you’ll ever meet. Curious yes. But also. Idiots)

The snake Messmer turns into has much deeper wounds and scarring on it than just the summon of the abyssal serpent. This snake also appears to have a blind right eye (note for any reptile keepers who care: not the temporary blindness that comes with shedding). Its body is very misshapen and there are scales trying to protrude along the spine, and in several places where there don’t appear to be any wounds the scales are just…missing. This is as expected not good for snakes! They need those scales! I am honestly not quite sure how to interpret the overlapping layers of scales in some places. Like sometimes it looks like a shedding issue but also it seems like it’s the attempts of two souls trying to occupy one body? Also missing shed transparency effect! Idk what the hell was going on in my brain or if it was just lighting but I was sooooo fucking sure of the shed buildup. I was also really tired though and don’t care. The visual read was still fun. It can be a headcanon to me <3

So on those thoughts of it being two souls trying to occupy one body. What strikes me about this design is that some of the wounds look like bite scarring you’d see from live prey fighting your snake back. Again, this is a thing entirely avoidable with good husbandry (don’t live feed unless absolutely necessary). The scales to me still imply shedding has gone very wrong at some point. You’d expect to see shedding heal and scar over these wounds, but they’re all fresh. Very symbolic. You can’t heal violence by just pretending it doesn’t exist.

Ideally when a snake is wounded, you do routine care to help them with sheds and make sure the wound is clean. The scales will grow back and the wound will scar, but it will take several sheds and consistent work! You cannot, as Marika tried to do, just put a bandaid on it. You also can’t just lock a snake in a cage it will hurt itself trying to get out of (ie messmer himself) and expect that to go even remotely well.

Some of this feels like visual symbolism of self-hatred. Like I said, the base serpent looks like it’s gotten in a fight. With its host. Some of it also feels like visible neglect (ie the wounds not being healed, missing scales)

I’m gonna discuss the eyeballs bc I fuck w them immensely. First of all congrats Messmer on having an Eldritch Horror in ur body. Second of all, all these eyes appear to have lids. Actual snakes don’t. They have hard eye caps instead and cannot blink. Some of the eyes seem like they might not be able to blink, but the scales around them are still more closed than you’d expect? I fuck with it. Fits with Messmer’s blindness motif which maybe I’ll make a post on eventually. But in regards to the base serpent specifically, of course violence can afford to close its eyes and be blind to who it chooses to hurt. Violence is also something that, when committed, always seems to haunt you. Its gaze will always be there.

It’s interesting that Marika replaced Messmer’s eye to seal the serpent off, and so maybe it grew more eyes? That could be why the scales around them aren’t correct—they’re trying to protrude from the body. This occurs in both the summon and the physical snake form Messmer has. Repression of identity = Eldritch horrors? Sure I’ll take that fromsoft.

Final thing on the eyes. They’re red, not green. The winged serpents have green eyes, Elden Ring’s color of endurance. Super fitting! The abyssal serpent’s eyes are all red, the color of rot and death in this game. Red to me also feels primordial given its use in lightning by the dragons, but I digress. It’s pretty obvious why a base serpent would have base powers. This thing is old as fuck.

Okay. I’m sure you all thought the post was done but one last note on snake biology! So, snakes’ tongues retract into their mouth. When a snake opens their mouth you won’t see a forked tongue just curled up, hanging out. It’s in a little pocket for safe keeping :)

Neither of the base serpent’s forms appear to have the anatomy for this, since there are eyeballs replacing this anatomy. This is problematic for Messmer in a snake form specifically since he’s blind, and real snakes compensate for shitty vision by having an incredibly strong sense of smell. Messmer’s snake form also doesn’t have the heat pits that the abyssal serpent has. Heat pits are another part of snake anatomy, usually located below the nostrils, and are what they use to “see” heat and locate prey. In pythons (like the winged serpents) you’ll see multiple heat pits all in a row above the lip as opposed to the single very deep pit behind and below the nostrils in vipers. This single pit is what the base serpent (summon) has. Neither Messmer’s base serpent form nor his winged serpents have heat pits which is…interesting. It could be a modeling error but I don’t think so given base serpent has very clear heat pits.

My point is, Messmer is somehow even more blind than you’d expect from a snake. Maybe this makes sense given Messmer carries an internal fire, which would likely fuck with infrared? Still interesting nonetheless.

In summary: The base serpent alone (summon) seems overall in better shape than its other form (transformation). I think this is pretty straightforward symbolism—as a being on its own the serpent would probably be fine. It’s just that it uses Messmer as a host and this causes issues. Fuck around and find out I guess, base serpent.

And holy shit Messmer Cannot fucking see. Good luck with the seeing eye snakes babe because snakes notoriously have shit vision !

(Also just an aside both of the base serpent forms kind of have narrower faces than you’d see on a real snake? Like they’re more eel like to me. Anyways.)

[kairakeiji]

“i don’t think anything i’m gonna tell you is going to convince you to stay.”

“then you know me well my love,” kazuha smiles as he takes his hands in yours. “you know i won’t be gone long though.”

and you can only sight as he meets you meet his shining eyes and small smile, reassuring as always. “i’ll be back before you know it, the crux stops by pretty often after all.”

at least it would be, he said that the last time he left liyue.

you knew how kazuha’s been ever since you met him. he’s never been tied down to one place, more or less seeing where life takes him. it’s something you love about him. his free spirit allows him to see the sights your strict schedule doesn’t allow. he’s able to go where he pleases while you’re stuck working your nine to five.

it’s inspiring in a sense, and it seriously makes you contemplate actually quitting your job.

“i’ll miss you,” he mumbles as he pulls you close, wrapping his arms tightly around you.

“i’ll miss you too,” you whisper into his skin before pressing a kiss to his cheek. “i wish i could come, but my job,” your voice trails off with a small sigh. it’s an idea you’ve thought of countless times before. traveling around with the crux and kazuha felt like a dream come true. but you had your commitments, your schedule built up with the qixing due to ningguang keeping all of you busy.

maybe if she pulled some strings…

no, it’s too late to think about that.

“it’s okay,” kazuha starts, snapping you out of your thoughts. “you have commitments here,” he smiles.

that’s kazuha for you, reassuring as always.

“how long do you think you’ll be gone?” you try.

and he only looks towards the boat, the last of the crew members taking their stuff on. “i’m not sure,” he tells you softly before turning back to you. “but when i come back, i’ll find you immediately.”

and you can’t help the way your heart cracks at not seeing your lover, much less for an undetermined amount of time.

your eyes move towards the ground, silence serving as your response. kazuha’s gaze turns back to the boat, catching sight of ningguang and beidou now approaching. his time with you was slowly running out.

“this might be selfish of me to ask,”

your breath hitches when his hand takes your once more, giving it a light squeeze.

“what if you came with me?”

you look up at him instantly, “kazu what?”

“i know you have your commitments with the qixing, but ningguang is right there if you want to try asking.”

you swallow when catching sight of the tianquan standing with the captain. “i couldn’t-”

“you could,” kazuha cuts in. “you used to tell me about how you dreamed of traveling the world, how you never got the chance to do it because of your schedule and your career.��� he holds your hand up to his lips, giving the back of it a kiss before meeting your gaze. “what if i were the one who got to show you the world?”

your cheeks flame up as your heartbeat spikes. “i couldn’t possibly.”

“you could,” he reaffirms with a nod. “let’s do it, you and i, together. we’ll see the world just as you’ve always dreamed of doing.”

“i,” your gaze turns to ningguang who’s now smiling at you as beidou calls for kazuha. but the boy keeps his eyes on you, searching for some kind of answer in your eyes, sign in your lips telling you that this was something you were willing to do.

“i have to ask ningguang first,” you tell him.

“and we can do that,” he nods, smiling at the fact that you’re even considering doing this. “you work too hard anyway, we can just say it’s a good vacation.”

you can’t help but laugh at that before you hear beidou call kazuha’s name once more.

“so what do you say?” he tries once more, “let’s give it a try.”

and a smile breaks out on your lips.

“let’s do it.”

tumblr’s still being annoying with the content warning on my pinned sob sob...i’ll make a new one with my masterlists on it soon sigh :/

thanks for reading! reblogs/interaction are always appreciated <3

[crescentpaws]

OK CAR RIDE QUESTIONS 4 U (you don’t have to answer all of them im just also bored rn)

do you like to listen to music/podcasts on a car journey?

if so any recs?

favourite gas station snack?

hmmm…. what do you think fintan would do on a road trip… he seems like a doritos guy 2 me…

GETTING OFF TOPIC. what’s the best fast food place/place for road trip lunch?

worst road trip Event that makes you wanna commit arson

(like him… IM GETTING OFF TOPIC !)

ok man i give up i canf think of anything else roadtrip related. do you have a favourite fintan line/moment?

do you think he qualifies as doomed by the narrative?

whats your ideal shannon-be-damned fintan endgame (purposely vague— death/redemption/yaoi/all at once/secret fifth thing whatever you desire)

whats the funniest theory you have for unravelled? personally ithink keefes gonna meet alvar at the pride parade

when you rotate fintan in your head is it like a smooth 3d animation or the pear wiggler or a washing machine or?

1. yes i am an avid music enjoyer

2. idk man i just listen to set it off

3. can’t go wrong with candy & potato chips

4. i dunno about snacks but. he would be the guy in the passenger seat that props his feet up on the dash…. but in an annoying & distracting way. if he had the back seat all to himself he would sprawl out dramatically. & if he was the one driving he would definitely do random swerves & sudden accelerations/breaks just to annoy other drivers/the other people in the car. he is an asshole.

also i think any elf on a road trip would be complaining “are we there yet” because they’re too used to light leaping and don’t know how to wait more than a few minutes to travel somewhere.

but fintan would definitely prefer car drives over plane flights…. specifically because he would find it agonizing to be that high up in the atmosphere (therefore closer to the sun & everblaze) without being able to use his ability. he would squeeze himself into the tiny plane bathroom and have a breakdown.

5. augh i don’t know….. i’m a picky eater so there’s not many places i’ll go tbh….

6. any bathroom inconveniences…. i will kill someone

8. fav fintan line has got to be “sorry i’m late. the security here is murder” bc he had no right to say that wtf 😭😭😭 actually worst person ever he sucks so much. other fav peace summit lines are “there’s no need to be offended. being superior isn’t all it’s cracked up to be” and “how predictable of you” because i love it when he is an arrogant sarcastic bitch.

top 3 fintan scenes are the peace summit, his memory break, and his healing i think (not in any particular order). but also i love his “surprise” when he reveals that he’s still alive in book 4 becahse WHY IS HE SUCH A SMUG LITTLE FUCKER. hate that bitch (i love him so much)

9. i think it depends on how you look at it. young baby councillor fintan is definitely doomed i think. but evil bitch neverseen fintan has deliberately chosen all his actions and therefore i think is more doomed by himself than the narrative if anything. obviously though the series hasn’t ended yet so. we’ll have to see.

10. ALL AT ONCE‼️💥💥 in all seriousness though i have conflicting opinions…. i wouldn’t like a redemption arc because i know all that would mean would be him helping out the main characters from within his prison…. and i am not content with him rotting in prison for all of eternity. but i KNOW if he breaks out the series will have to end with him dying… which i also don’t want…. but i’d be more ok with his death if it was actually intense and emotional and dramatic unlike literally all the other neverseen deaths so far……. i think bronte should kill him homoerotically i think that would be neat.

11. keefe gets rabies 🔥🔥 maybe he somehow gets a british accent also…. idk. also if i’m forced to read a whole keefe book he better mention fintan at least once… just for me…….. (i need him to recap his time in the neverseen pls that would actually make me excited to read the book)

12. low quality image of him spinning around like he’s on a spinny chair (but there is no chair & he is just floating)

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 3/30

What am I feeling today?

Kinda frustrated and annoyed. There’s this guy and I want to lose feelings for him. I just don’t think anything could ever happen between us so for my sake and sanity I need to move on. But every time I think I’m fine, I see him again, and all the feelings come rushing back and it’s so frustrating! Anyways, I’m just feeling this way because I briefly saw him last night and then I dreamt about him and it brought back memories that I’m trying to put out of my mind because I just can’t take it anymore. I wish to be free of him.

Luke 14 NIV

(v. 3-5) “Jesus asked the Pharisees and experts in the law, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath or not?” But they remained silent. So taking hold of the man, he healed him and sent him on his way. Then he asked them, “If one of you has a child or an ox that falls into a well on the Sabbath day, will you not immediately pull it out?””

There’s not much to add to this other than it was kind of Jesus to heal on the Sabbath and tried to show how it would be similar to saving someone or something you love. You wouldn’t just let them suffer for another day but you would immediately try and rescue them!

(v. 11) “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.””

Jesús used the parable of a wedding before he said this. That if you are a guest, you wouldn’t take the place of honor (like bridesmaids) otherwise you’d be escorted and embarrassed. And if you take the lowest place, the host will bring you up and take you to a better spot. All in all, it’s to support his point right here. We should not value ourselves so much higher than we are because we’ll be humbled. Rather if we already humble ourselves, we will eventually be exalted.

(v. 13-14) “But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.””

This applies to us now in who to love and care for. We should constantly be aware of the fact that there are people in need, people less fortunate than ourselves. It should be put on our hearts to care for them, to offer what we have, because we’re all human at the end of the day. Our lives are not more valuable than theirs.

(v. 26-27) ““If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”

This verse does not actually mean that we should hate our family or ourselves (we need to love them and us!). But instead, our love for Jesus should be far, far greater! Our love for Jesus should be so evident that all our other relationships appear as hate because of how great our love is for Jesus. Also, as disciples, we all need to deny ourselves and carry our cross daily!

(v. 28-33) ““Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.”

This scripture goes over what it’s like to count the cost of being a disciple. Before you become a Christian, you have to see whether you can be. Are you willing to commit the rest of your life to Christ? Are you willing to keep his commands every single day? Will you preach the word and evangelize? fulfilling the great commission because that’s what all his disciples are called to do, not just the ministry? there’s a lot you need to consider and if you’re not willing to give it all up for Christ, you can’t be his disciple, he says so himself.

[molinaskies]

When do you think Sonic decides he's ready for that relationship, if you think he does/will?

I don’t think we’re that far off, to be honest, but I’m not sure we’ll ever see it in the series because Sonic exists in a floating timeline. Ages don’t exist anymore, but if Sonic’s 15 now, then I think he’d consider something more significantly by ages 16-17.

I’m gonna tag this as a spoiler post to be safe, but to speak as vaguely as possible, Sonic Frontiers ends with Sonic in a bit of a state of longing for his three best friends. He seems more open and ready to let them into his life, right when they’re all getting really busy. I don’t think this will result in any kind of conflict in the series, but I think it’s setting the stage for Sonic to start working on deepening his relationships with people—and that includes Amy.

That said, though, I don’t think it’s gonna be a formal thing for him, at all.

This post sums up the current state of them now, after sonic frontiers (spoilers)

This post sums their dynamic up in general

This post expresses why their dynamic works

If you wanna skip the homework: Sonic and Amy are both thoroughly aware of their feelings for each other, but neither of them are really doing anything about it because they don’t feel the need to. They’re both still kids, so there’s no need to rush into anything. So, they’re just two little hogs in love.

With this in mind, I think the way Sonic falls into a relationship with Amy is entirely accidental. There’s no conversation about it. Instead, as time goes on, they start gradually acting on their feelings more and more (and not really with intentions to, either). They spend more time together, give each other the cute couple affections (like handing holding and other physical affections, more overt flirting, and other things as they become more comfortable expressing them to each other), and kind of slip into a more legitimate relationship. I don’t think it would have a “label” for a long time, but they wouldn’t need one because they’re not playing games with each other.

Relationships are complex and scary, and a huge part of this big, scary thing we call “commitment” is not just “tying oneself down” (as that’s not really relevant in this relationship), but being able to articulate one’s feelings clearly and confidently. (This, at its core, is what I Love You-Come With Me is about). I have a strange anecdote to make my point, so bare with me.

In my Canadian high school health classes, growing up, one of my teachers taught me that “if you can’t walk into a pharmacy and buy condoms or other contraception (and not at self-checkout—at an actual register with a person) without feeling embarrassed, you should not be having sex.” Why? Because you’re not ready to handle the emotions, risks, and consequences of sex if buying condoms is too stressful for you.

Not only is this good advice, but it applies to relationships as well. If you’re unable to express your emotions for someone you love in a comfortable, confident way, you’re not ready for a relationship because you’re not able to show the love and affection as liberally as a relationship requires. Sonic (and Amy) are aware of their emotions, but they’re not perfectly able to express them, yet. Amy’s more well-along than Sonic is on this path, but they are BOTH well on their way.

So, TL;DR—Sonic commits soon, but it’s not deliberate. And that makes it better, in my opinion!

[sirowsky]

--Judgement--

--Part 2--

Description: Marcus' declaration doesn't take him where he might've expected. So, he now has to try again. Marcus Moreno x Original Female Character named Lucy.

Rating: Mature Warnings: Angst, longing, just very strong emotions, Marcus POV. Word Count: 3100 Author's Masterlist

Link to Part 1

-=¤=-=¤=-=¤=-=¤=-=¤=-=¤=-

   For a long moment, she merely stares at him. Making him wait, although not deliberately.    She carries so much pain, which makes her cautious, needing to shield her heart as much as she can. Plus, she has every reason not to believe his words, after so much time spent being friends, with not one hint ever given to suggest that he might want more.    But he does, which is why he waits so patiently.

   He doesn’t move, despite how much he wants to pull her into his arms and hold her close where she’ll be safe, and he’ll be able to feel how alive and warm she is.    The memories of her too cold skin and unresponsive, heavy limbs will never leave his mind for as long as he lives, but that’s also why he now appreciates her warmth and restored strength so very much.

   She meets his eyes without faltering, and he tries to show her only how much he cares for her, how important she is and how deep his affection really goes.    But her gaze is still pained. Still so disbelieving. And he doesn’t know what he could possibly say that would help her hear the truth of his words.    He can’t make her believe it. She must come to that realization herself, even if it means that he has to step back for now.

   However, it doesn’t mean that he can’t continue trying.

   “Why don’t we have dinner on Friday,” he suggests, unwilling to let her slip away without committing to seeing him again.

   It’s a bit manipulative, perhaps, but he feels like she might need some help to remember that she can always trust Marcus.    They used to always have dinner together on Fridays, before the attack. It was their time to hang out, the three of them, and he knows that Missy’s been longing to pick it up again. That she misses her terribly.

   “Pizza-night?” she finally asks, confirming that she’s onboard, which makes him smile.

   “Absolutely. Why don’t you come to our house this time?” he offers, because he knows that she’s trying to sell her house and that she hasn’t been staying there for the past year.

   “Sure, that sounds good,” she tries to smile, but it comes out a little wonky.

   “Great. Then I’ll let you get back to work.”

   He smiles as he begins to back away, and seeing that seems to put her at ease somehow, because suddenly her smile turns into a real one, although he feels certain that there’s a smidgeon of relief in it as well.    As if she really needs him to leave right now. A thought which isn’t all that strange, considering what just happened between them, but it still tugs at his heart to see it.

   She needs space. He keeps telling himself that as he heads back to Ops, trying not to let himself consider this a rejection, because it technically wasn’t.    Just give her some space, let her come to it on her terms.    Don’t panic.

   “Hey man, that took forever,” Miracle complains as soon as he steps into the control room again. “So, what’d she say?”

   Marcus just stares dumbly at him, because he’s completely forgotten that he actually did have a reason for bothering Lucy in the first place that morning.    Seeing the confusion on his face, the other Heroic rolls his eyes in annoyance, and for once, it’s a justified gesture.

   “Seriously? You forgot to ask about it?    Damned it, Moreno, you were the one who delayed the briefing to go talk to her!”

   “Yeah, I know, I’m sorry… We’ll make do without it.”

   “Dude-…”

   “Miracle, shut the fuck up!” he cuts him off, a lot more forcibly than he’d intended.

   He rarely cusses, and almost never at people, which everyone at HQ knows, and which is why the entire room is suddenly staring at him with nervously darting eyes.    Marcus is the leader of the team for a number of reasons, but one of them is that his electromagnetic abilities are sensitive enough that he can vibrate molecules apart for short bursts at a time, making him one of the most powerful supers to ever have lived.

   He tries to avoid that level of destruction as much as possible, but when he loses his temper, it can happen against his will.    And everyone at HQ knows that too.

   “I’m sorry…” he says while trying to calm himself, abruptly wondering if maybe he shouldn’t be working right now at all.

   He didn’t think that Lucy’s reaction to his declaration had upset him this much, but clearly, he’s not as serene at heart as he should be for an operation.    Closing his eyes, he puts his hands down on the desk before him, leaning heavily on it while he tries to come to his senses and focus on his job.    Friday is two days away. He has to be able to work until then.

   “Would you please go and ask for the missing data?” he asks Miracle, who can’t help but scoff with irritation.

   “You mean, the same data that you just wasted thirty minutes not getting?”

   “Yes. Please,” Marcus answers between gritted teeth.

   Without another word, his colleague stomps out of the room, and the leader sighs deeply at himself.    It’s gonna be a long two days.

-=¤=-

   He hasn’t seen Missy this excited about anything in quite a while, and it makes him happy to know that she’s looking forward to spending time with one of her oldest friends again. But the man himself is mostly just nervous.    The conversation that Wednesday seems like it happened weeks ago, at this point, and he can’t help but wonder if tonight is simply going to confirm what he’s begun to fear.

   That she might just try to pretend that that conversation never happened.

   She certainly has every time that he’s run into her at work for these two days. And yeah, it’s probably just because she’s being professional, but he can’t keep from worrying that it might be because she’s trying to turn him down easy.    It makes him terribly uneasy, and his daughter can tell. She knows that it’s more than just about having someone over, which doesn’t happen often.

   “Did something happen between you two?” she asks while he’s setting the table, and her tone is more concerned than nosy.

   “Honestly… I don’t know,” he replies, feeling strangely disoriented about the entire subject.

   “How do you mean?” she presses, undoubtedly trying to help him get his thoughts in order before she gets here, but he really doesn’t know how to explain it.

   “Uh… I may have… confessed something to her, but I-…” he starts, but then Missy’s sharp intake of breath cuts him off.

   “You told her, didn’t you?!” she almost squeals. “You told her that you love her.”

   Oddly enough, he’s not at all surprised that she’s picked up on his affection for the woman, what shocks him is hearing how happy it makes her.    He can’t think of anything to say, but he also doesn’t get the chance before she’s suddenly running to the kitchen counter, grabbing a plate and throwing three slices of pizza on it before darting off towards the stairs.

   “Have fun, dad! I’ll be in my room all night with a movie on!” she calls out while she disappears around the corner, leaving him stunned into silence as he dumbly stares at her now redundant cutlery on the table.

   And of course, before he’s even begun to recover, the doorbell rings.

   “God damned it, Missy. You were supposed to be my wing woman…” he mutters under his breath while nervously wiping his hands on the seams that run down the sides of his jeans.

   On the way to get the door, he needlessly fiddles with his hair and tugs on his dark green shirt, even though it’s already smooth.  �� Get a grip, man. You’ve met her a thousand times before.

   “Hey, come on in,” he greets with a smile once the door falls open.

   And it’s a good thing he started talking before he’d had a chance to really look at her, because once he does, his tongue goes dry.    Not because she’s dressed all fancy, but because she’s wearing a summer dress, something he’s never seen her in before. Not once in over ten years of friendship has he ever seen her in anything but trousers, shorts, or the occasional skirt for a party.

   Her preferences at home are soft leggings and big hoodies, or if it’s too warm for that, shorts and well-worn t-shirts or tank tops.    For a moment, he wonders how he can remember those kinds of details about her, but then she’s inside and he has to remind himself to close the door behind her before he invites her to the kitchen.

   “Uh, have a seat anywhere. Missy ducked out at the last minute, so it’s just the two of us,” he admits, feeling extremely exposed suddenly, so he busies himself with the pizzas that are still sitting on the kitchen counter, allowing him to keep his back to her for a few moments longer.

   “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I was looking forward to seeing her, it’s been a while,” she says, and her voice is soft and steady, not at all as nervous as his own probably is.

   “I’m sure she won’t mind you poking your head in later,” he suggests, hoping to keep the conversation flowing because that’s likely the only thing that’s gonna keep his nerves in check tonight.

   He brings the plates to the table, having loaded two slices onto each for starters, and before he takes his seat, he goes to the fridge to take out the pitcher of water he put in there earlier.    She doesn’t like soda, or any kind of fizzy drink, preferring water or juice to her meals. If he’d had the time after work, he would’ve made her some lemonade. She loves that.

   “Thank you,” she smiles at his thoughtfulness, before picking up a slice.

   But Marcus is gonna need help to calm his nerves tonight, so he grabs a beer from the fridge too, and then he finally sits down at the rounded little table.

   “How’d it go with the whales today?” she asks, knowing that the team had been sent on an emergency call, to rescue an entire pod of beached north Atlantic right whales, while Marcus had stayed behind, monitoring the mission from Ops.

   “It went well. They were able to save all of them,” he answers, and then tries to think of something to add to keep the conversation flowing, but his head is filled with nothing but the question that she has yet to answer, and he can’t just barrel right in with that one.

   “Oh, good. I’m glad to hear that,” she says between bites, and then seemingly effortlessly jumps to another subject. “Hey, if it’s not too much trouble, I could use your help with something.”

   “Helping you is never trouble, Luce,” he warmly admonishes, knowing that he doesn’t need to remind her of how much she’s helped him over the years.

   “No, I know, it’s just that I also know you’re a busy guy and I don’t w-…”

   “Stop that right now,” he cuts her off, but not harshly. “Just tell me what you need.”

   She cocks her head to the side in an expression which means that she’s amused but annoyed. A look that he’s well familiar with.

   “I need a new car. And I’m too trusting to trust myself not to let a car salesman talk me into buying something that isn’t right for me.”

   “Oh, I can definitely help you with that. Most salesmen get really flustered around Heroics,” he smiles and winks at her, and she huffs a laugh.

   “Don’t we all?”

   She says it softly, but he can hear nervousness in there, and it makes him wonder if perhaps she’s not at all as relaxed about this evening as she’s making it appear.    He could let it pass without remarking on it, but pretending that everything’s fine between them isn’t going to work much longer.    So, he decides to let the fake ease fall away, and let her see how nervous he is at just having her there beside him.

   “Do I make you flustered?” he asks quietly, knowing how loaded that question is, given what he’s already told her about his feelings.

   He just hopes that whatever happens, she’ll leave this house feeling happy.

   “Yes…” she admits, just as quietly, but doesn’t offer anything more, and he can’t leave it like that.

   He has to know.

   “Please, Lucy… Just tell me how you feel. Tell me what you’re thinking. It’s driving me crazy not knowing if I should just let it go, or try harder.    I’ll do whatever you want me to, just tell me what that is?” he pleads, unable to hold back any longer, because he really is losing it.

   She puts her slice back down on the plate then, and like before, in her office, she suddenly won’t look at him. As though she’s ashamed of something, and he can’t fathom what that could possibly be.

   “You’ve been such a good friend to me, Marcus. All these years. I’ve always been able to count on you.    But… that’s not why I called you that night,” she starts, and hearing that surprises him.

   He doesn’t interrupt, though. No matter how much he wants to beg for the answers, for her to just let him know if he should give up and let his heart break into a million pieces and go hide away for the rest of eternity… he simply waits.    Because even now, she needs space. She needs to find the answers on her own and if he pushes, she’ll recoil, and then he might never know.

   “Anyone from HQ would’ve reacted to help me, had I called them. But the only number I could see was yours. And that wasn’t because of the trauma or anything that had happened that night.    You’re always the one I want to call.”

   Trying so hard not to run away with those words, Marcus forcibly reminds himself that she could mean any number of things, that her mind might not at all go in the same direction as his, hearing that.    He freezes in his seat, staring at her bowed head, unknowingly holding his breath through the purgatory that is the waiting game.

   “Every time I’m sad, or angry, or happy… it’s always you I think of. Your company I wish for. And it always has been, from the very first day I met you… when Maribel was still here.”

   The trapped breath falls over his lips in a silent and sort of de-energized huff.    All the nervous energy in his body is suddenly just not there anymore, because in those last five words, she’s changed everything, and he’s now struggling to rethink their entire relationship.

   The first day they’d met had been over three years before his wife had died. Back when Missy was just a baby.    If she’s had romantic feelings towards him from the start, then chances are, she feels undeserving of his affection now, which would explain her shame.    But she’s wrong. So utterly wrong…

   Because she never did anything. She never once did anything inappropriate, before or after Mirabel. Never made him feel uncomfortable, never even hinted that she might like him as more than a friend.    In her infinite kindness, she’s kept every grain of her passion hidden, even when she was broken and had lost hope, trapped in a hospital bed with little chance of making a full recovery.

   She’s locked that part of her heart away so completely that even now, when he is the one asking for it, she can’t bring herself to give him her love.

   “Lucy…” he beckons, reaching for her hand on the table, and she lets him take it, but she doesn’t raise her head. “Look at me, please.”

   When she does, her expression is exactly the same as it was in her office. So filled with pain that it stabs at his chest to see it. Because that pain is her absolute belief in her own inadequacy.    The conviction that she can never be good enough.    And finally, he sees that it was never about the scars. That it’s her entire being that she feels is ugly, all for a forbidden love that she never had any control over.

   “I want your heart. All of it. Set it free and let me have it, and I promise that you will stop feeling like this,” he says, while gently tugging her hand closer.

   He feels her fingers tighten around his, and a moment later, her eyes fill with tears.    It quickly becomes a torrent of them, but he doesn’t ask her to stop. Instead, he rises to his feet and pulls her up into his arms, holding her firmly against his chest while the pain flees through the ducts in her eyes.    And as soon as she begins to still, he pulls back and captures her lips.

   In her surprise, she tries to break away, but he doesn’t allow that, because he can’t let her be ruled by her fears this time.    The only way that she’s going to accept his love, is if he makes her feel it in a way that her mind can’t rationalize or explain away.    So, into that one long kiss, he floods her senses with himself, making her not only feel, but hear, smell and taste only him.

   And it works.

   It takes only seconds before she succumbs, too desperate to feel something good after all these years of longing, yearning for the impossible, to have any hope of keeping those walls up against this torrent of adoration.

   He keeps her mouth too preoccupied with the need to breathe in between kisses throughout that night, for her to have any chance to say it, but she does the next morning.

   “I love you.”

   Three little words. Simple, yet infinitely complicated. And so beautiful.    They’re the first thing he hears as he wakes up with her warm body against his, and it makes him so happy that he wants to dance on the ceiling.    But instead, he asks her if she’ll say those words to him every day from now on. If she’ll promise to let her heart stay free and open for him and Missy, forever.

   And without hesitation, she agrees.

THE END

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Thank you for reading and have a lovely day <3

Tags: @startrekkingaroundasgard @deadhumourist @tintinn16 @suttonspuds @tanzthompson @shsoba05 @f0rever15elf @justnat15 @lowlights @spishsstuff @harriedandharassed @i-love-movies @tiffanypooh @chaoticfestninja @insomniamamma @pedrostories @littlemisspascal @bilibiche @hnt-escape

[doodling-doodle]

Through The Eras (Ch.4)

It was time for Jack’s show at Scarlet’s! Wanderlust was really excited, he had convinced his parents to come, along with Brezziana and Mihaly.

Jack had been a lot looser ever since it got out that he was in the city, which was really fun! They’d been able to do a lot more together, to mixed reactions from the press and public. But whatever, they didn’t need anyones approval to be friends.

He just wanted to have that friend.

…

“How you feeling about tomorrow?” Wanderlust asked, sitting across from Jack in his apartment.

“Good… A little nervous.” Jack said, “I think I just got used to bigger crowds… it's weird going back to the crowd of maybe a hundred. But I think it’ll be nice to just have a calmer show.”

“It probably will be!” He said, “People have been talking about it for about a week, people are really excited!”

Jack smiled, shrugging, “It’s nice to see I’m still… someone. I’m excited, don’t get me wrong.” He said.

“I honestly can’t wait!! I’d love to see you play live!” He said, standing, “It will be awesome.”

Jack stood with him, sighing softly, “I take it you have to leave?”

“Yeah… I can come see you and take you to Scarlet’s tomorrow?”

“Sure.” Jack said, leaning in to hug him, “Thank you.”

Wanderlust hugged him back, smiling brightly, “It’s no problem, Jack.” He said as he let go, “See you tomorrow!” He said as he opened a portal back to the hotel, running through it as it closed behind him.

He had already planned his outfit and makeup- sorry, but this was a big deal to him! He wanted it to be a bigger thing for Jack.

Was he obsessing a little?... okay, maybe, but Jack was a really good friend and he really wanted to help him and encourage him.

He just loved having a good friend group. He was able to bring Sara back for a while, too! He had been the happiest he had been in months, honestly.

He found himself looking back at the note that Jack had given him with the necklace, which he was now wearing daily… He had actually gotten one for Jack to give him after his show.

He sighed, smiling softly as he changed to crawl into bed and go to sleep… tried. 

For the past few nights, he had been thinking about a lot. He and Jack had been doing a lot together, and that picked up a lot of attention from press and paparazzi. They really didn’t care, they were having a good time together and just pretended no one was around them.

His father said that as long as they weren’t doing anything illegal, he didn’t care. Which was both encouraging and a little concerning. But, fuck it, they were having fun and were just walking around and checking out Danceverse’s 90% of the time. 

He truly loved all the times he hung out with Jack. He loved talking to him, learning about his life… for the first time, he wanted to genuinely come up with a plan to commit murder, and he would have happily killed Night Swan. Discoball stopped him, of course, but he would have done it with no hesitation.

But both of them had opened up a lot to each other. They even got to learn about Brezz’s and Mihaly’s lives a little.

It had been a little over two months since the first time he met Jack… and he wanted it to have it forever.

He would make sure of it.

The next day…

“So you're going to see Jack before his show?” His father asked after breakfast.

“Yep! Gonna bring my clothes and makeup, get dressed there, pick up Brezz and Mihaly, and we’ll head to Scarlet’s. I’m planning to spend the night with him.” Wanderlust replied, smiling.

“Alright. Then I’ll see you tonight- oh, by the way, there’s a ball next week at your mother’s palace… You get a plus one, and if it's not Jack, she’s inviting Jack separately. I think the invite might have gotten to him by now, but if not, just tell him. Brezz and Mihaly get invites, Sara if she wants to.”

Oh shi- when was this decided??

Okay, whatever, it was fine. At least Jack was going to be there, that was great!

“Okay, I’ll let them all know.” He said, “See you in a bit!” He said as he ran back up to his room, getting out a duffle bag to pack his things- his good clothes, his crown, clothes to sleep in, his makeup, makeup remover, and the gift for Jack. 

Discoball happily beeped, flying around him as they went through the portal to the rooftop of Jack’s apartment building, running down the stairs to knock on his door.

“Wander!” Jack said as he opened the door, smiling brightly and immediately hugging Wanderlust. Which was a shock, that was the first time he was the one to fully initiate the hug… progress.

“Hey!” He said, smiling and giggling a little, “I’m still good to spend the night, right?”

“Yeah, if you're fine with sleeping on a fold-out couch. I don’t have a guest room fully set up yet.”

“That’s fine.” He said, walking in as Discoball tried to nuzzle Jack’s neck softly, making happy noises, making Jack chuckle.

“Hey, buddy, how you doing?” He asked as he sat in his chair at his desk, Discoball resting on it.

“So what’s the plan?” Wander asked, setting his bag on the couch next to him as he sat down.

“There really isn’t one.” Jack said, shrugging, “Just going to get my guitar, maybe people will start shouting things for me to play and I’ll do it. If not, I have plenty of songs that I can just play in a random order, you know?”

“Honestly, I love that.” Wander said, chuckling, “sounds like you.”

Jack smiled, “You come up with anything new lately?”

“Uh… Not really. Been focused on other things.”

“Fair enough- But damn, I wanna hear you play piano again, you are really good at that.”

He giggled, “Thank you… It was what I had growing up, managed to get good at it.”

“That’s fair. I actually haven’t properly played it in a while… maybe I will the next time I’m there.”

“Happy to let you!”

Jack smiled, “Thanks…” He said, sighing, “How’s your parents? Is The Traveler still pissed?” 

“Eh… Not pissed, just a little off-putted. He’s fine with it now. Mom’s still pretty happy about it- Oh, speaking of-”

He was cut off by a knock at the door, and Jack stood, opening it to see that his letterbox had things in it.

“As you were saying?” Jack said as he sifted through the mail, sitting back down, “Wait, why is there something from the palace?”

Wanderlust smirked, chuckling, “For full transparency, I didn’t know about this until this morning.”

Jack quickly opened it, eyes widening at what it was.

“The fuck you mean I got invited to a ball at the palace??” He asked, completely stunned.

“Mom said that you would either be my plus one, or you had your own invite. Your choice on that one now.” Wanderlust said, smiling.

Jack stuttered, chuckling in disbelief softly, “I… do you have anyone else to have as a plus one?”

“Nah, If you didn’t want it, I really wasn’t planning on anyone else.”

He smiled, “I’ll be the plus one. I don’t have anyone either.”

“Cool, it’s settled!”

Jack chuckled, smiling softly, “Tell her I said thank you… I’ll find a new suit for it.”

Oh, he was so excited!! He’d find out the theme, maybe match Jack’s suit, Get Sara and figure out if she wanted to come, figure out what Brezz and Mihaly wanted to wear- he needed to calm down, he was getting way too far ahead.

…

It was about an hour before Jack’s show was starting, and they both started getting ready, still listening to music and talking and laughing with each other. 

Jack was wearing a dark maroon suit, without his cape of feathers but with his pendant. Wanderlust was pretty sure that he either got it himself or a friend gave it to him, because he actually liked that one. He had his classic lipstick, a bit of eyeshadow and liner, and he let his hair get a little curly.

Wanderlust had put on a suit like Jack’s, a vest without a coat, and a slightly different crown, still weaved into his hair, but a little more comfortable. His makeup was similar to Jack’s, he just added some glitter and rhinestones.

He had just gone to get Mihaly and Brezziana, who were equally as dressed up, Brezz in a nice, dark purple evening gown and Mihaly in a green and blue jumpsuit, and he dropped them off at Scarlet’s.

“Alright, you ready?” He asked as Jack picked up his guitar.

“Let’s hit it!”

He smiled, opening a portal for the both of them to walk through, right in front of Scarlet’s, where there were a few signs in the windows, Jack being on one of them. There was another show going on right now, but, the place was packed.

“Good luck!” Wanderlust called out as Jack rushed his way badstage, turning around to give him a thumbs up before shutting the door.

He went to get himself a drink before finding Mihaly and Brezz at a VIP table against the wall, which he joined them at.

As the time and the show before Jack’s went on and that was almost over… He found himself looking for his parents… He swore to Selios, if they fucking ditched…

No. Who was he kidding, he wouldn’t do anything. He couldn’t.

He decided to just wait. The stage was quickly cleared, and the colors of the lights started to change to reds and blues as props were put up, a few pots of roses, a red couch, a mic stand and a chair…

He got a text from Jack a few minutes before he was supposed to come out.

“How’s it looking out there?”

“Packed. Very packed and there’s people still coming in. Scarlet’s practically vibrating.”

“HA! See you in a few.”

He smiled, sighing softly as he looked to the door and- oh thank Selios, his parents just walked in. His mom waved to them as they walked to their own table.

And thats when the music quieted again, and everyone looked to the stage as the curtains went up, and the spotlight went to Jack as he came out on stage, smiling and holding his guitar as the crowd lit up in cheers and applause.

He put his mic in the stand, smiling as he sighed.

“So. It’s been a while.” He said, and the crowd lit up again as he sat in the chair, strumming his guitar seemingly mindlessly.

“So, let- let’s talk about this a little, actually, I don’t care anymore!” He said, chuckling a little, “So, as you all know, about two months ago, my- unfortunately- Mother’s ways of ruling Eternyx was made public. What didn’t get out was her ways of raising me, which were equally, if not worse then what she did to the residents of Eternyx and her servants. I won’t go much further then that, but long story short, I’m in therapy now, realizing how much fuckery I’ve been through my whole life, recovering from that, unlearning 28 years of trauma and abuse, and more.” He shifted slightly, sighing and shaking his head, “Maybe one day, I’ll truly speak about it. Today is not that day. But, since things have calmed down quite a bit now, I wanted to unwind, and Scarlet offered this to me, and I figured why not! And clearly you all liked that.” 

The crowd laughed, clapping again as he smiled, still mindlessly playing his guitar.

“That said, I actually didn’t have a setlist for this, this is just going to be playing random songs for two hours! So, that said, toss a random song at me and I might play it. Anyone got anything?” He asked, and Wanderlust looked around the crowd, seeing if anyone was going to say anything. Which they did. Someone yelled, not even five seconds later.

“Play Lose Yourself!!”

Everyone lit up again, and Jack looked shocked but SO happy.

“Damn, people remember that album?” He asked, “Okay- okay, do you mean anything from the album or the song itself?”

“The song, damn it!!”

Everyone laughed, and Jack smiled, shifting again and looking way too happy.

Wanderlust would admit that he was even really excited. He had found a single, low-quality video of Jack performing it when he was so young.

“Oh, it’s been so long.” Jack said, retuning his guitar slightly and starting it as the crowd clapped and cheered again.

“Look. If you had one shot. Or one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment. Would you capure it? Or just let it slip? Yo!”

Wanderlust found himself grinning, looking back at his parents, who were talking with each other, seemingly not really paying attention.

Whatever, he’d have a good time!

“His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already: Mom's spaghetti. He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready, to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud, he opens his mouth, but the words won't come out. He's choking, how? Everybody's joking now. The clock's run out, time's up, over, blaow!”

Wanderlust looked around, realizing people had started clapping to the beat, and he found himself doing it too. Brezz and Mihaly also picked up on it, both of them smiling.

“Snap back to reality, ope, there goes gravity, ope, there goes Rabbit, he choked, he's so mad, but he won't give up that easy, no, he won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes, it don't matter, he's dope, he knows that but he's broke, he's so stagnant, he knows, when he goes back to this mobile home, that's when it's back to the lab again yo, this whole rhapsody, better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him, and-”

That’s when Wanderlust realized that he was singing along, along with almost everyone else.

“-You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo! You better lose yourself in the music, The moment, you own it, you better never let it go, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo! You better…”

Jack looked so incredibly happy, but managed to keep his voice even and how it was when he was younger…

“His soul's escaping through this hole that is gaping, this world is mine for the taking, make me king, as we move toward a New World Order, a normal life is boring; but superstardom's, close to post-mortem, it only grows harder. Homie grows hotter, he blows, it's all over, these hoes is all on him, coast-to-coast shows, he's known as the Globetrotter, lonely roads, God only knows, he's grown farther from home, he's no father. He goes home and barely knows his son has a brother. But hold your nose, 'cause here goes the cold water, these hoes don't want him no mo', he's cold product. They moved on to the next schmoe who flows, he nose-dove and sold nada, and so the soap opera is told, it unfolds, I suppose it's old, partner. But the beat goes on: da da dum da dum da da da da.”

Okay, now that he thought about it… It was in plain sight that he at least had a brother. But, the more he thought about it, the more heartbreaking it got. “Barely knows his son has a brother”- Selios, maybe he needed to track down Jack’s father, too, it sounded like Night Swan wasn’t the only bad parent.

“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo! You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo! You better…”

“I’ll admit, I’ve never thought of him being good at rap, but damn.” Brezz said, looking a little shocked.

“He’s really good at a lot of genres.” Wanderlust said, “It’s impressive.”

“No kidding!” Mihaly said, shaking their head in disbelief as they watched Jack.

“No more games, I'ma change what you call rage, tear this motherfuckin' roof off like two dogs caged. I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed, I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage, but I kept rhyming and stepped right in the next cypher, best believe somebody's paying the Pied Piper. All the pain inside amplified by the fact that I can't get by with my 9-to-5. And what if I can’t provide the right type of life for my family? Cause man, I know those goddamn food stamps don't buy diapers. And there's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life, and these times are so hard, and it's gettin even harder, tryna feed and water my seed, plus teeter-totter. Caught up between being a prima donna and my mama’s drama, screamin' on her, too much for me, don’t wanna stay in one spot, another day of monotony's gotten me to the point I'm like a snail, I've got to formulate a plot, or end up in jail, or shot. Success is my only motherfuckin' option, failure's not-”

Wanderlust would admit, if there was one thing he was thinking of that could happen, he wouldn’t say a lyric change that Jack definitely thought of on the spot and went with while laughing about.

“-Mom, I hate you, and that trailer's got to go-”

It was said so nonchalantly, like it was the lyrics all along, and everyone started laughing with him as Jack somehow kept going.

“I cannot grow old in Cygnus’ Lot, so here I go, it's my shot: feet, fail me not, this may be the only opportunity that I got!”

Wanderlust could see the utter satisfaction on Jack’s face.

“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go! You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo! You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go! you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo! You better…” 

The crowd had already started applauding him, and he smirked again.

“You can do anything you set your mind to, man…”

He still played the beat for a few more seconds before he started talking again.

“So fun fact about this song…” Jack said, starting to mindlessly strum his guitar again, “Uh… back when I was seventeen and in my rebellious phase- we all had that, right?- I was always wandering around The City of Cygnus late at night, and a lot of my old friends were from a little rap club in a run-down area just outside the city, and… the opening and closing lines were actually said to me by a really nice guy in that club. I won’t say his name for his own privacy, but he was kind of the ‘parent’ of the group, he helped a lot of us- we were all kids, he was the only adult…” He sighed, “I haven’t heard from him or of him in years. Wai- Scarlet, this is still live, right?” He called out, and they laughed as they gave him the thumbs up and pointed towards one of the cameras, which he looked towards.

“Sir, if your out there, you know who you are, and I hope your doing well.” He said, pointing towards the camera and smiling, “Okay, back on track-”

Wanderlust chuckled, but before Jack could do anything else, he heard from the crowd.

“Do I not get any love, Jack??”

His face dropped, eyes widening as he slowly smiled.

“Nah… You- your joking.” Jack said, standing and stepping towards the edge of the stage, “Are you kidding?”

Wanderlust watched as someone walked past their table, up to the stage as Jack knelt down. He tried to listen to what they were saying, but he couldn’t hear it. He just saw them hugging each other, and Jack probably said something along the lines of “We’ll talk later.” Before going back to his mic.

“Well, I was not expecting that!” He said, “That was a friend of mine from said club I went to!”

There was a bit of applause, and Jack laughed, smiling and shaking his head slightly.

“Alright, now back on track, what next?” He asked, then had a look of realization, “WAIT- wait, how do we feel about Fearless?”

Wanderlust lit up- yes, that was actually probably his favorite album! He pretty much immediately just screamed, “DO IT!!”

“That was all I needed, thank you.” Jack said, “It’s been forever since I’ve actually done the proper country songs, this should be fun. Let’s do Fearless, I haven’t done that in so long!”

“THANK YOU!” Wanderlust yelled, now almost shaking wih excitement.

“You want Fearless itself, don’t you?” Jack asked, and he nodded frantically.

“Okay, I got you.” Jack said, “Wait- nah, we’re doing this the way Baby Jack would have done it!” He said, standing and moving the chair, accidentally knocking it over, “Well, I didn’t need that anyway, thats fine.”

Everyone was already dying of laughter, and Jack sighed, shaking his head as he put the chair back up.

“One second!” He said as he ran to the back of the stage to do his galloping run back up to the mic.

Oh, he was excited for this one.

…

Si’ha would admit to listening to a few of Jack’s songs recently, so she was really enjoying this! She kept giggling whenever she looked at Wander, seeing him and his friends dancing and laughing together. She found it interesting, how he seemed different recently, mainy with his new friends… he seemed happier. And she was so happy for him.

“Okay, what album haven’t we done yet?” Jack asked after he finished a song, “We haven’t done Speak Now, have we- Oh, wait, speaking of that, no, I didn’t know that Wander was going to do Enchanted at Showdown, I was just as shocked as everyone else. That said, it was a very nice surprise!”

“I still don’t know how I feel about that one.” Her husband mumbled.

“It was a good thing, they both enjoyed it.” She said, “I think it was probably for the best.”

He sighed, still glaring up at Jack and shaking his head.

“Dear, haven’t you noticed how different Wander is now?” She asked, “Look at him.”

“He’s been different. He’s not home as much. He’s always with someone. It’s either Jack or its all of them…”

“It’s because he’s happier.”

“I know he is- I can see that… I just don’t know how to feel.”

She sighed, holding his hand, “Please, just… let him live? Don’t bring up Night Swan to him, I know you hate her, and you can. But look at him. Look at him and tell me he is even remotely like her.”

“He’s not… Which is what amazes me.”

Okay. Getting somewhere.

“Anyway, I was getting side tracked, where was I?” Jack said, “Oh yeah, Speak Now! What are we feeling from that one?”

“Haunted!! Do Haunted!!”

Jack cackled, smiling brightly and looking so excited, “YESSS!!! I haven’t gotten that one in so long!” He said, grinning and happily bouncing in his chair.

“You haven’t done anything in a long time though!” Wander yelled, and Jack glared at him.

“That’s beside the point, Wandie, shut up!”

“I’m sorry, did he just just say, ‘Wandie’?” Her husband asked.

“Cute.” She said, watching as Jack started his guitar again.

“Have I mentioned that this was one of my favorite songs that I made in general?” Jack asked, giggling slightly.

“You and I walk a fragile line. I have known it all this time, but I never thought I'd live to see it break. It's getting dark and it's all so quiet, and I can't trust anything now, and it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake.”

She blinked quickly, slightly stunned, “I’m sorry, is that the same voice we’ve been hearing this whole time?” 

“I’ll admit, that boy has some range.” Her husband said, sipping his drink.

“Woah, holding my breath, won't lose you again, something's made your eyes go cold! Come on, come on, don't leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out. Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted.”

Si’ha smiled softly, seeing the smile on Jack’s face, especially when he kept glancing to the table with Wander and their friends.

“Come on, come on, don't leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out. Can't breathe whenever you're gone, can't turn back now, I'm haunted!”

“And this was one of his earlier albums?” Her husband asked, “Did he… write this one?”

“I’m going to assume, I think Speak Now was written almost entirely on his own… He hid it from Night Swan.” She replied, and he shook his head slightly.

“Stood there and watched you walk away, from everything we had. But I still mean every word said. To you. He will try to take away my pain, and he just might make me smile. But the whole time, I'm wishing he was you instead.”

She realized that her husband was actually properly watching Jack now, he was actually listening-

“Woah, holding my breath. Won't see you again, something keeps me holding onto nothing!”

 -and he actually looked in awe a little.

“Come on, come on, don't leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out, something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted. Come on, come on, don't leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out, can't breathe whenever you're gone, can't turn back now, I'm haunted!”

“I’ll admit…  He has a good voice.” Her husband said, “Just… wow.”

She smirked, chuckling quietly, “Knew you would like it. Thanks for letting me drag you here.” She said, and he sighed as he watched Jack intently.

“I know… I know… I just know. You're not gone, You can't be gone, no! Come on, come on, don't leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out! Something's gone terribly wrong, won't finish what you started!”

“I normally just don’t enjoy a lot of the shows here. But he’s a good singer…” Her husband said.

“Come on, come on, don't leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out! Can't breathe whenever you're gone, I can't go back, I'm haunted!”

She sighed softly, looking at her husband as he shook his head, still in awe as Jack hit his high note.

“You and I walk a fragile line, I have known it all this time. Never ever thought I'd see it break. Never thought I'd see it!”

The crowd applauded again, and Si’ha smiled when she noticed her husband was too.

“Speak Now was fun, wasn’t it?” Jack said, “next to 1996, probably one of my favorite tours that I’ve done…”

“No love for Red?” Brezziana asked, and Jack chuckled.

“Red was fun and all- throwing chairs around was very nice. But I just liked Speak Now and 1996 more. Speaking off, we really haven’t touched that one yet, have we?”

“Wildest dreams, how about that?”

Jack cackled, “Sure, why not?”

…

The Traveler would admit… He really didn’t want to come here at first. Si’ha practically dragged him here, saying it was important to their son, so they should go. He thought he’d regret it- maybe he would later, but… He was actually enjoying it, as much as he hated to admit it. Jack had a beautiful voice, and even better songs. Wanderlust was clearly enjoying himself, along with his friends, and he found himself smiling at that. 

“Alright, how much time is left?” Jack asked, looking at his watch, “We have an hour left, what haven’t I done yet?”

He seemed to think for a second, going back to mindlessly playing his guitar, then had a look of realization and smiled.

“Okay… I’m shocked no one has thought about this, this was the song for Red.” He said, now playing it seriously as the crowd seemed to realize what he was doing, while The Traveler was still thinking what it could be. 

“I walked through the door with you, the air was cold. But something bout it felt like home somehow, and I left my scarf there at your sister's house, and you've still got it in your drawer even now…”

Oh. He knew what it was now…

“Oh, your sweet disposition, and my wide-eyed gaze. We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate. Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, and I can picture it after all these days.”

He’d admit to, unknowingly, listening to a live performance of this song a long time ago, but more recently heard Wanderlust singing it in the kitchen one morning.

“And I know it's long gone, and that magic's not here no more, and I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all…”

He always thought this sone was probably one of the most heartbreaking things he’d heard. He understood why it got so popular, but he just… never bothered with it. Or any of Jack’s music more then he had to…

“'Cause there we are again on that little town street. You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me, wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well…”

“Is he crying?” Si’ha asked, and he tilted his head, trying to see…

It looked like it.

“Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red. You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed. And your mother's telling stories bout you on the tee-ball team, you tell me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me. And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, and I forget about you long enough. To forget why I needed to…”

He glanced over at Wanderlust, seeing him quietly singing it while also seemingly holding back tears. He knew they had gotten close. How could he not know, they were around each other all the time. They had been going all over the place… Maybe that was where his anger stemmed… it reminded him of… her. What they used to do together…

“'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night. We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light. Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well… Yeah”

… He would never forget the betrayal. Never forgive it. And Jack was only a reminder… But, as much as he didn’t like it, he was obviously sticking around now. He’d keep an eye on him. Even if it looked like Wanderlust had been, apparently, getting more sleep, been happier, had more energy, that could have been from a number of reasons. Maybe he just got over whatever happened. Anyway…

“Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up, running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well… And you call me up again just to break me LIKE A PROMISE. So casually cruel in the name of being honest, I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'cause I remember it all, all, all... too well.”

“Wow…” Si’ha mumbled, “He is crying…”

Sure enough, Jack was crying now, but he had done a good job of keeping his voice even… He was impressed. He wasn’t sure he could do it that well himself.

“Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it, after plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own. Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone… But you keep my old scarf from that very first week, 'cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me. You can't get rid of it. 'Cause you remember it all too well… yeah.”

The Traveler looked back over to Wanderlust, who was wiping his own tears away and sighing… it was clear just how much he cared about Jack- how much all of them cared about Jack. They had been singing and dancing all night, smiling, laughing… They had really only met a couple months ago, but they all seemed really close now.

“'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so. Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known, It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.”

The only other person that he was really worried about was Sara. He didn’t have great experience with humans. He was weary. 

“Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all. Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all. It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well…”

But he would tolerate it. If for anything, it was for Wanderlust’s sake.

He watched as Jack sighed slightly, seeming to quickly wipe his face as the crowd cheered again, and he smiled.

“That song will always break me, and I really can’t say I have much shame anymore.” Jack said, “Have I ever mentioned that I had to shorten it by, like, six minutes to actually put this out?”

“This was an eleven minute song??” Si’ha asked, shocked, and Jack cackled.

“Closer to ten, but yeah. Shortened it a lot, but it was hard to choose what to keep in it. And it became one of my most famous songs.” He said, “Anyway, let’s lighten the mood, shall we? What next?”

“22, that’s upbeat!” Brezziana called out, and Jack smiled.

“You got it, girl!”

…

There was about thirty minutes left in the show now, and Wanderlust was seriously enjoying it. He had been singing, dancing, doing the chants for each song- he was having a blast, honestly.

“Okay, there’s only so much time left… How about some covers, that might be fun.” 

“Do it!” Brezz yelled, and Jack smirked.

“Well, if you insest.” He said, “Umm… Let’s see, what songs do you all like these days?”

Wanderlust was about to shout something, but Jack had a look of realization, and cackled.

“Ya know what?! Wander, if you get to cover me on Showdown, I get to cover you, them’s the rules!” he said, and the crowd cheered.

He chuckled, shrugging as Jack smiled.

“Okay, how am I gonna do this?” He asked, semi talking to himself and strumming his guitar until he figured out the right beat. “Damn it, Wander, you made this difficult!” 

“Your welcome!” He called out, smirking. He still didn’t know what exactly Jack would do, but he was excited!

“Okay, there we go.” Jack said, chuckling and shaking his head as he started actually playing.

“Life's alright in Devil Town. Yeah, right, no one's gonna catch us now. Dad has bought a new car now. We're fine, no one's gonna catch us now!”

Oh… Oh fuck, oh no-  

“You said something dumb again. She's mad, at least that's what he said. Mom and daddy aren't in love. That's fine, I'll settle for two birthdays!”

This was the song he wrote years ago, when he was fifteen, when he was just mad. Mad at the world, mad at what he was going through, mad at what he was hearing everyday…

“Devil Town is colder in the summertime, I'll lose my mind at least another thousand times. Hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night-”

He first performed this at a Showdown, no one knew what he was doing, not even his own parents. He remembered that day clearly, down to what he was wearing, how his hair was, his crown… He learned to play guitar just for that.

“-I still get a little scared of something new, but I feel a little safer when I'm with you. Falling doesn't feel so bad when I know you've fallen this way too!”

He remembered his dark red shirt with ripped sleeves, his ripped up pants and his boots, a spiked, short, red crown… His golden electric guitar, the black mic…

It was all he could see now, he could only see his fifteen-year-old self performing it as he could see the horrified face of his mom, and the pure anger on the face of his father. 

“We're all dead in Devil Town. That's fine, 'cause nothing's gonna scare us now! We're all in our dressing gowns, mine's white and stripey, yours is green and brown.”

He remembered just sitting in his room for hours, writing that song. His father had aways preferred him playing piano, and his mom always preferred his lighter songs. Quite a few of their fights had stemmed from him. He had a different idea for what he would for the opening of The Picty’s that year, but after he wrote that, he changed the plan. He wanted to get his feelings out, why was that a crime to so many people? The worst part was… it felt like a crime to him at the time, too.

“I forgot my name again. I think that's something worth remembering. Spiders in your favorite shoes, just leave them be, 'cause they're more scared of you!”

He was grounded after that day. For a month.

“Devil Town is colder in the summertime, I'll lose my mind at least another thousand times! Hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night!”

… Fuck it. It didn’t matter anymore. He got a damn Picty from this song- it was his first one. He should be proud of it. People loved it, Jack- Jack fucking Rose loved this song. He should love it too. 

“I still get a little scared of something new, but I feel a little safer when I'm with you. Falling doesn't feel so bad when I know you've fallen this way too!”

He finally came back to his senses, looking back up at Jack on the stage, who was glancing down at him.

“Devil Town is colder in the summertime, I'll lose my mind at least another thousand times, hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night! I still get a little scared of something new, but I feel a little safer when I'm with you. Falling doesn't feel so bad when I know you've fallen this way too!”

He found himself smiling as the crowd cheered, and he looked back at his parents, who were both looking a little off. Maybe upset, maybe angry he couldn’t tell.

Whatever, he really enjoyed it. He hadn’t gotten to perform it since he was sixteen, it was nice to hear it again.

But, he’d admit to thinking about remaking it. He had a lot of ideas for it, and Jack had actually encouraged it and helped him with it.

“You wrote that?” Brezz asked, and he blinked out of his thoughts.

“Yeah… I was fifteen.” He said.

“Damn… you okay?” Mihaly asked, holding his hand, and he smiled softly.

“I am now.” He replied, standing, “I’m going to get another drink, either of you want one too?”

…

Jack found himself almost constantly smiling now, sitting back down and laughing after he performed Shake It Off.

“Alright, there’s only enough time for one more, we got six minutes!” He said, “Let’s see… what do we have…?” He mumbled to himself.

If he was honest… He already knew what he wanted to do. If there was no other requests, he would do it.

He waited five seconds… Nothing.

“Well… I guess there’s really only one proper way to send this off.” He said, smiling, almost tearing up, “The song that, for me, will always be about all of you…”

He started playing his guitar again, and everyone cheered again as he smiled. He noticed how Wander’s face quickly lit up and he was already dancing in his seat… he looked quite adorable, honestly.

“I said, ‘Remember this moment’, in the back of my mind. The time we stood with our shaking hands, the crowds in stands went wild…”

He saw Brezz and Mihaly smiling, laughing at Wander’s energy and dancing while he sang along, going with the crowd as they all started clapping to the beat.

“We were the kings and the queens, and they read off our names. The night you danced like you knew our lives would never be the same.”

He noticed Si’ha smiling brightly already, and The Traveler was still looking emotionless. He had seen him actually smiling, laughing, or at the very least showing some emotion through the night. A few times… very few.

“You held your head like a hero on a history book page. It was the end of a decade… But the start of an age.”

He smiled, standing back up as he decided to do one more of his old chants for the night. He would always start the chorus with two arm pumps timed with the words…

“Long live the walls we crashed through, how the kingdom lights shined just for me and you! I was screaming, ‘Long live all the magic we made’, and bring on all the pretenders! One day, we will be remembered…”

He found himself looking back at Wander, who was looking so unbelievably happy… He found himself looking at his old friend. Khloe, was her name. Just as he was called “Feather” in their club, she was given the nickname, “Thorns”.

“I said, ‘Remember this feeling’. I pass the pictures around. Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines, wishing for right now.”

He’d keep his promise. He’d talk to her after the show.

“We are the kings and the queens. You traded your baseball cap for a crown… When they gave us our trophies, and we held them up for our town!”

She was definitely trying to stay a little hidden, but was singing and dancing in the back. He had noticed her talking to Wander, Brezz and Mihaly earlier, so they had likely introduced themselves.

“And the cynics were outraged. Screaming, ‘This is absurd!’” He mockingly rolled his eyes, making a playfully disgusted noise- which is what he wanted to do to the people who were actually like that, but that’s beside the point-  “'Cause for a moment, a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world! Long live the walls we crashed through, how the kingdom lights shined just for me and you! I was screaming, ‘Long live all the magic we made’, and bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid!”

He saw Si’ha talking with The Traveler, though he really couldn’t tell what it was about. He could only imagine, it looked like the man really did not want to be here. Whatever, he probably only came for Wander. Which was something, he guessed.

“Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you! I was screaming, ‘Long live that look on your face’, and bring on all the pretenders! One day, we will be remembered!”

He did his little spin that he would do on the tour, still smiling brightly as he came back to the mic.

“Hold on to spinning around. Confetti falls to the ground, may these memories break our fall…”

… He found himself looking at Wander, Brezz and Mihaly, almost talking directly to them. Which was what he wanted to do.

“Will you take a moment? Promise me this. That you'll stand by me forever. But if, God forbid, fate should step in…”

He could tell that Wander picked up on it, as he stopped singing, looking at him thoughtfully. His eyes were innocently wide, almost like a doe, and his lips stayed slightly parted…

“And force us into a goodbye.” He waved slightly, trying to stay straight foward to the crowd, but his eyes kept wandering back to them, “If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures… Please, tell them my name…” 

He caught a smile on Wander’s face before he started singing again. He could hear his voice above the rest of the crowd. It was beautiful. It always was.

“Tell them how the crowds went wild! Tell them how I hope they shine!” 

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to reset his mind and look back to the crowd… Until he realized that this lyric would always have a new meaning to him now.

“Long live the walls we crashed through, I had the time of my life…”

It wasn’t just about his fans and the people that came to the Fearless tour… it was about his friends now, too.

“...With you!”

He smiled, holding back tears as he did the arm pumps again, noticing several people in the crowd doing it too, just as they did the Heart Hands for Fearless.

“Long, long live the walls we crashed through, how the kingdom lights shined just for me and you! And I was screaming, ‘Long live all the magic we made’, and bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid!”

He truly wasn’t. He wasn’t afraid of what would happen anymore, now that he had people that cared about him.

“Singing, ‘Long live all the mountains we moved’, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you! And long, long live that look on your face, and bring on all the pretenders! One day…!” 

He stepped away from his mic briefly, jumping around slightly before doing what had become one of his signatures… lifting his guitar up above to him, leaning back into the mic. 

“We will be remembered…”

He felt a single tear go down his face, and he smiled, chuckling in disbelief as the crowd lit up for the last time.

“Thank you… Thank you all for coming tonight, this was… magical.” He said, “Goodnight, everyone!” He yelled, waving as he walked backstage, hearing how the crowd was still cheering up until all the props were removed from the stage.

He quickly took his phone out of his pocket, seeing a text from Wander before he could send one first.

“THAT WAS AMAZING!!”

“I am so happy right now, I’ll be out with you guys in a few minutes.”

“Khloe is also hovering close to us, kind of ominously.”

“Eh, she’s harmless. Mostly.”

He chuckled, quickly putting his phone away and walking out, wishing Luke goodluck as he went out on stage and he went back out to the main floor, going to the table with all of his friends, and Wander stood first to hug him as he put his guitar down, then both Brezziana and Mihaly stood to hug him too.

“Thanks, guys…” He said quietly, smiling.

“That was great, Jack!” Mihaly said, smiling brightly.

“Right! I loved that!!” Brezz said, shaking him sightly, and he chuckled, seeing Khloe walking up slowly as he pulled away from the three of them.

“Hey…” She said quietly, and he smiled, hugging her tight.

“You okay?” He asked, pulling away, but still keeping a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m fine… We all are, just…” She sighed, “Shit got worse. But Cygnus has been trying to help us, so… physically, yes.”

“Good…” He nodded, sighing, “I’m sorry.”

“It was never your fault. I don’t think there’s anyone to blame but The Swan.”

“She’s right.” Wander said, and he turned around, “You were just kids… how can you blame yourself for being a kid?”

He sighed, shaking his head as he leaned against the wall, “I genuinely risked lives the day I was caught… She would threaten to hurt you all to make me obey.” He said, “Now I know it was bullshit what she was doing to me… But what could I do at that point?”

“You couldn’t have done anything. And that’s okay, Jack.” Khloe said, “Honestly… we were all just glad you were okay.”

“And I’m glad your okay.” Jack said, smiling at her.

“Well, who’s this?” Si’ha asked as she and The Traveler walked up, and she turned around.

“Khloe. I’m an old friend.” She said, shaking their hands, “It’s a pleasure.”

“Khloe…” Si’ha repeated quietly, “Nice to meet you.” She turned to Jack, “You did great, dear.”

“Thank you.” He said, smiling and chuckling softly, “Uh… Kinda feel bad for asking but-”

“I’ll send Khloe an invite for the ball.” Si’ha said, finishing his sentence, “If she would like to come, that is.”

“There’s a ball?” She asked, “Where? When?”

“It’s at my palace, Saturday.” Si’ha said, turning to her, “Your welcome to be there.”

She smiled softly, “I’d love to.”

“Wonderful!”

Jack smiled, sighing softly to himself…

Yeah. He was alright now. It’d be okay in the end.

…

It was about an hour later when they all left to go back to their homes. Wanderlust sent Brezz and Mihaly off, and Khloe told Jack how to reach her before they left to go back to his apartment.

“You okay?” He asked as he took his makeup off.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Jack replied, “Glad their all alive, honestly…”

“I’m sure.” He sighed, “I’m… sorry about my father. I know he looked… less then thrilled to be there.”

“Eh. It counts as something. He was there for you.”

He shrugged, “I just… Wish he put in a little more effort sometimes…” He groaned, “I just wanted him to… you know, actually be there for me when I needed comfort. Or, show any type of emotion towards me. I can only think of so many times I’ve seen him smile at anyone other then mom… I don’t think he really cares about my birthday anymore either, he’s never around for it, and barely gets me anything. The staff care more about it then he does.”

He didn’t even realize that he had kept ranting. He talked about how he was yelled at for Devil Town, how he was grounded, and even had Discoball taken away from him. How his father threatened to smash the Picty Award into pieces. 

“I just want him to just show he cares…” is what he ended it with, “He could at least listen to me when he asks what I want for my birthday. Because now its always clothes or something… Sometimes cologne, but he somehow always gets something that gives me a headache.”

Jack nodded, staying silent for a for seconds before he sighed.

“I think I know what you need to do.” 

He looked up at him, tilting his head.

“Why don’t you pop back home in the morning? Get the things that you don’t like, or want, and bring them back? Then we’ll go to the beach.”

“And… do what?”

He saw a slightly sadistic smile on Jack’s face.

“A nice, little therapy session.”

The next day…

The Traveler sighed as he saw people in the lobby of the Hotel, walking through and talking amongst themselves. He was just waiting at this point. He had texted Wanderlust earlier, asking where he was, and the response was just, “Sun Horizon at the beach.” That was that morning. 

He had just finished lunch when he got another text.

“I’m going to spend the night at Jack’s again, I’ll be home tommorow. He’ll be spending next weekend in the palace. We’ll both get our suits for the ball drafted up today.”

Great…

“Alright. Have fun.”

Jack was really going to be one of the biggest points of their lives now, wasn’t he? He felt bad for how he grew up- of course he did, he wasn’t heartless. But he had no mercy for what Night Swan was going through. He hoped it was hell for her to hide, to not be the center of attention.

He had a meeting with Icona today. He had a lot of questions for her… maybe he’d stop by Sun Horizon. Check on Wanderlust and Jack.

He needed to go see Si'ha and ask her about the ball, he needed to get his suit.

The theme was “Fairy Garden”, he was sure people could work with that. Wanderlust would probably enjoy it, at least. He had an idea to bring out the piano for him, he could play a few things. It had been a while since he’d done that.

…

Okay, it was pretty late at night now, nearly 10:00. He had gone to Sun Horizon, looked around for a while before heading to the Beach and walking fro a while before he heard voices in the distance.

“Wait, that’s the last one of those?”

“Yeah?”

“Save that, and a shirt. Toss the rest.”

Yeah, it sounded like them.

He walked closer, seeing what seemed to be a small pile of things on a towel, and he saw something gold in the moonlight… Wanderlust’s crown.

He walked slower, seeing Jack and Wanderlust standing next to each other, a duffel bag next to them, which Jack was reaching into, handing things to Wanderlust as they both tossed things onto a small pile. He looked down at the towel on the sand, seeing some clothes with the crown, plus two bottles of water, and two tall glasses that were half-empty.

“Why’d you want me to save these?” Wanderlust asked, turning to Jack, holding two things… A bottle of something, and a shirt. 

Jack took the bottle from his hands, chuckling as he pulled something from his pocket… a small knife, it seemed.

“For this!” He said, breaking the top of the bottle off and taking the shirt, ripping it and taking a small strip of fabric, stuffing it in the bottle before giving it back to Wanderlust.

“Light it.”

Wait, that smelled like something… cologne?

“What…?”

“Light it, throw it into the fire. Trust me.” 

Wanderlust took it, looking at it for a second before flicking his wrist, making a small flame from his hands. When did he learn fire magic? He didn’t think he had that.

He held it for a moment, looking at it as the liquid in the bottle caught fire.

Then he threw it on the pile of things, setting it ablaze very quickly.

He stared in utter shock, that part of the beach now lit up brightly. He could see what Jack and Wander were wearing clearly now. Jack was in a long-sleeved shirt and shorts, while Wander was in a short-sleeved shirt and sweatpants. Both stepped back from the fire as it instantly grew.

“Woah!!” Wanderlust yelled, but he was chuckling, and Jack started cackling, “Look at that! It’s so cool!”

“Told you it would feel good!”

“It feels great!”

He still didn’t know exactly what they were doing… but he yelled.

“What in Seilos’ name are you two doing?!”

They both turned around, and he saw what looked like spray-paint stains on their clothes. Wanderlust still had on the necklace that Jack gave him, but now, Jack had one on too. A sapphire was the jewel in it, it seemed.

Wanderlust grinned, “Why, what does it look like?” He asked, happiness in his voice, “We are committing-” He proudly pointed back towards the blaze, “-Crime brûleè!”

What now? 

“Crime brûleè-?” He repeated quietly to himself, “Arson??”

“Relax, it’s not actually illegal.” Jack said, smirking, “We checked, we’re cleaning up whatever doesn’t disintegrate.”

He supposed he couldn’t argue with that, but- what even was this about??

“Why?” He asked, “Why… What was the reason?”

“Needed to let off some steam, and he suggested this.” Wanderlust said, shrugging.

He stuttered, taking a deep breath.

“You know what, it’s too late at night for this.” He said, “Just clean up and go to bed when you're done.”

He opened a portal back to the hotel, groaning as he got to the lobby and closed it behind him.

“Are you alright, sir?” Someone from the staff asked.

“Just fine… My child just decided to start a fire with Jack, is all.”

“Did they at least bring marshmallows?”

“Quiet.”

It really shouldn’t have been an issue… but he’d deal with what this was later.

He had other things to deal with now. Like sleep.

---

I can't take credit for the Crime Brulee joke, that was made by my good friend @angstkings and it was too funny and perfect (If you actually read this... Hi, Kings :3)

[soullessjack]

How'd it go!!!!

It was amazing!!!!!!!! Alex was so lovely and funny to meet and such a sweetheart. I was also at Mark Sheppard’s panel and he is fucking hilarious, I almost got a headache from laughing so hard. He should seriously consider standup.

I sat through Rob and DJ’s panels as well before my meet and greet with Alex, they are both just so absolutely amazing and wonderful. And the meet & greet!!!! So much fun!!!! We were all really nervous, even Alex, so the conversations kept bouncing around but it was very much enjoyable! He started it with a whole bit about being a corporate bringing us in to fire us and give us a compensatory pizza party (also a funny bonus, we got on the topic of worst jobs and one of the people seated said “corporate hell,” and Alex said “but isn’t that all corporate?” love it so much).

I ended up missing the photo ops for lunch of all things lmfaooo, but we did a group photo with the meet and greet and airdropped the photos from other phones. If I ever get the chance to meet him again at another con I’m completely committed to getting a selfie with the stupidest angle possible tho.

I wish I could relay what he thought of the gifts and the written messages note but I could only be there for the day, so it’s possible we’ll never know unless he brings it up today or at another con. But I think he seemed to like it! He seemed most interested in the books I gave him, The Westing Game and an essay collection about identity psychology called Who Am I.

I also gave him ice wine teabags because that’s one of my most favorite teas ever and it’s actually ironically a Canadian brand! And he told me that ice wine is like a Canadian dessert drink but he didn’t know about the tea. And at his panel I grew enough balls to take the mic and actually ask him something! I can’t remember the full wording just from sheer excitement and exhaustion but it was something to the effect of, “Firstly I wanna say I really appreciate how much passion you have about what you do, and it really means a lot to me as an artist that you still care, so from one artist to another thank you for caring about your work, and what are some other things that inspire you to keep caring.” Sadly I don’t remember what he’d answered, but I’m sure once the panel goes up on YT I’ll find it again and be able to absorb it in the quiet peace of my cave

(It’s honestly a little embarrassing how much of this I actually don’t fully remember, but supposedly that’s a natural experience for people going to such exciting events like concerts or cons. Too much excitement and joy it all just blots out in your brain or something).

I truly enjoyed every bit of it, but for me the absolute highlight of the day was just being given his bracelet in exchange for what I’d given him. Not even kidding, I sobbed over it in my brother’s car almost six hours later after we’d left. And towards the end of the M&G (which was sort of rushed to make time for Osric’s panel but that’s ok) I asked if I could hug him and let me tell you. Hugging is one of my favorite forms of love language ever, and I’ve been told that I give very good ones, and I’ve wanted to give him a hug (I’ve wanted everything in this day practically) for nearly six years, so it was just amazing.

I never once doubted anyone who’s said he’s a sweetheart, but really being there and seeing him and talking to him and seeing that in the flesh. . It’s something else. I also had some very lovely and interesting conversations with some stand runners, like this one guy who has a comic series about the first werewolf and we got into a convo about Superman and BTAS vs STAS and actually met the first black writer/editor/artist/everything for Superman in DC, Christopher Priest, and a wonderful old lady and her (presumably) daughter who sold exclusive-yet-expensive figurines and made their own sterling silver SPN jewelry for JIBCONs. Artists meeting artists. Loved every minute of it!!!

I also talked to this sweet attendee lady who’s been to eight conventions beforehand and got some wonderful con advice from her. And one woman in the meet and greet circle who makes kandi bracelets and gifted me one of the many SPN themed ones she’d made! Right after the M&G finished I met my brother on the balcony and he’d been talking to another attendee from Canada who told me about her meeting alex yesterday and how sweet he was with her! She hugged us both and wished us a safe travel and yeah.

Overall it was such a wonderful experience and I can really see why it’s considered its own family and such a staple of the fandom. If I could ever go to any more in my life or even have my own stand set up someday I would honestly be set for life!! I hope you and anyone else who’s never gotten to go to one before has the same chance, because it really is so life changing and amazing. I talked to maybe like, 12—20 people of the entire attending population but I still felt so…connected with everybody there.

♾️/ 10 would absolutely no hesitation impulsive decision reckless spending do it again, especially to meet Alex again!!!!!!!

[nordic-language-love]

Language Learning Log 2023 Week 18 (01/05 - 07/05)

I've started watching Pokémon in Japanese again. I’m trying really hard to pay attention to the language while watching and not just focus on the subtitles, and while I’m not at a stage where I’d be able to understand things without context, I can definitely understand (short) full sentences. As in, I’ll read the subtitles and hear the language simultaneously and be like “oh hey I probably wouldn’t have needed the subtitles if that’d been said slower and I’d had like maybe 2 minutes to process it instead of half a second”.

How’s N4 studying going? Ehh badly 😅 I’m doing my best to force vocabulary/grammar into my head through flashcards, writing sentences with target language and just consuming media as much as I can, but as always it’s resistent to my efforts. I’m hoping to get most vocabulary/grammar notes copied onto my phone by the end of next week so I can maybe cram once a day on top of reading/listening practice (hardly the most effective way to commit anything to memory long-term, but it’ll work well enough for an exam). I’m trying to find material specific to N4 because most of the grammar/vocab I need for it just isn’t in the type of content I normally consume 😅 Why did I agree to do this again? I stg JLPT is the worst language test I’ve ever been exposed to and doesn’t even remotely reflect language ability.

On the plus side... Sunday’s italki lesson was perhaps the closest I’ve come to having a lesson fully in Japanese without using any English at all. My teacher even used Japanese to explain the differences between two words and I understood 😁 And I actually felt semi-confident speaking! As usual my grammar was all over the place and I was repeating the same sentence structures and words a lot, but I managed to actually speak with a degree of fluency and almost just babble a little bit.

I’ve not had much time for Norwegian, but I started reading another book. It’s... not the best thing I’ve read by a long shot, and I may well dnf it, but we’ll see what happens. It’s relatively short, and part of the reason I’m not enjoying it is it’s so similar to the last book I read by this author that I’m not entirely sure if it’s supposed to be a sequel or not. The writing style is different but the character concepts are just. the exact same. A self-centred girl with an ED and self-esteem issues has a boyfriend from a band and he plays music in the US. Except this time they don’t have names and it’s told from 3rd person and feels entirely impersonal. Maybe it’ll pick up, but my expectations are low right now.

[empireofash]

𓄿 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 𓄿

GENERAL

Will this book be standalone? Or is it part of a series?

Flight of the Raven is the first book within a trilogy, titled Empire of Ash, and it’s the lightest book out of the entire series; at least that’s what currently is planned.

How long do you think this book will be?

I’m not quite sure to be honest, but the scope of the story is quite a large one. We’ll just see where the journey takes us! Be prepared for a long ride though!

How often will updates come?

Realistically? I can’t even hope to guess: I have a job, go to school full time, and have other commitments to take care of. BUT, I’d like to at least get something out every two or three months.

Do we have to romance someone?

Yes. That’s a big facet of this series, I’m afraid. If romance isn’t your thing then I highly recommend reading something else that aligns with your views on it.

What’s the rating for this game?

Flight of the Raven is rated 18+. Minors shouldn’t interact in the slightest.

Will this game be free?

Yes! Flight of the Raven, and the subsequent books within the trilogy, will be free from start to finish. Though, I will accept donations to help support the story, but that’s completely optional.

LOVE INTERESTS

Will any more love interests be added?

No. The four will be the only ones as each one plays an integral part within the story as a whole.

Will you ever add polymances?

I don’t actually know. As of right now? No, but that could very well change in the future. We’ll see what happens!

Can we choose a different RO?

Once the romances are locked in, or you’ve gotten enough points with a specific love interest, then you won’t be able to choose a new RO.

How do we gain points for the ROs?

Spend time with them. Interact with them. Actively try to get closer to them. They wouldn’t fall in love with a person that’s barely there or doesn’t show them interest in return.

BLOG

Can we ask NSFW Questions?

Yes! However, I retain the right to not answer said question.

How often will you post updates on here?

Whenever I have something to share!

[iwriteweightgainbullshit]

The taste of us

Benoit Blanc x Marta Carbera

This is just part 1, there will be more chapters.

Words: 1019

Warning: weight gain, chubby benoit blanc, love, drunk, alcohol, let me know if i missed anything.

“This will be the last time I'll see Marta” Benoit Blanc thinks. 

It’s the last day of court and they just heard Hugh will be getting 40 years in jail. He should be happy, but he can’t help but feel sad. 

“Detective Blanc” 

Benoit turns around and there she is, looking as beautiful as ever. 

“Miss Cabrera” I say with a big smile. 

“Would you like to join me for a walk?”  

“There’s nothing I’d rather do” 

Marta blushed as they started walking. 

“So how are you darling?” I look at the innocent girl walking next to me and God she is beautiful. 

“I’m fine detective Blanc how are you?” She looks down which is a bit odd to me. 

“Please call me Benoit, I’m quite alright. But are you sure you fine?” I hope I’m not overstepping with this. 

“I’ll call you Benoit if you call me Marta” She smiles. “Yes, I’m fine, I just... Well... I’m just gonna say it. I am a bit sad that this is the last time I’ll see you. I feel very connected to you.”  She looks away shyly.  

I can’t believe my ears. She feels connected to me. My heart does a little jump.  

“Well Marta it certainly doesn’t have to be the last time we’ll meet” I say with a big smile. 

“Are you telling me to commit a murder to meet you again, Benoit?” Marta laughs.  

“Well, that was definitely not what I was hinting at. And not be mean but you don’t make a great murderer so maybe a date would be better Marta.” Oh god I shouldn’t have said that. There goes my one chance. I hide my face in my hand. 

“Ehm... You mean... Us? On a date?” Marta looks at the ground. 

“You can obviously say no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep, can we just forget about this?” I look at her hopefully. 

“No, actually I’d rather not forget.”  

Oh no, I’ve ruined it. 

“I don’t wanna forget cause yes, I would love to go on a date with you Benoit.” She holds my hand in hers. 

“Heavens to Betsy! Really? Well then, I'm quite a lucky guy Marta.” I say shocked and Marta laughs. 

We plan to go on a date the next day. Marta gives me a kiss on my cheek before she leaves and my heart skips a beat. 

. 

The next day: 

We agreed I’d pick her up at 5, so at exactly 5 I’m at her front door. Wearing one of my nicer suits with flowers in my hand. 

She opens the door and waw she is beautiful. 

“Good evening, ma’am, you look as pretty as a peach” I say looking stunned. 

Marta giggles “Thank you sir, you like quite handsome yourself” she winks. 

We drive to the restaurant just talking and laughing. I wish everyday could be like this. 

The restaurant is pretty nice, it’s cute and small. I figured Marta would like that better then some big fancy restaurant.  

We take a seat next to the window where we have a view of the lake next to it. 

“So do you already know what you’re gonna order? I don’t know that much about food if I’m honest.”  

“Oh I love food, let me help you pick something out!” I say excitedly. Which makes Marta giggle. 

“Alright thank you Benoit.”  

After Benoit asked Marta a ton of questions about what kinda food she likes, they finally picked something.  

They get spaghetti, since Benoit insisted that they got great spaghetti.  

The waiter brings their food quite fast. 

“It’s quite much, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to finish it all” Marta says with a guilty look. 

“Oh, that’s quite alright darling, we can take home what we don’t finish” I reassure her. 

“Hmmm that’s so good” I say 

“You really like food huh?” Marta chuckles  

I can’t help but feel a little insecure. I look down at my belly, which is not much, but a tiny bit more than there used to be. 

“Heh, yea I guess” I say a bit self-conscious. 

“I think it’s quite cute” Marta says happily.  

I blush. 

Marta finished half the plate, but I finished it with some effort. But damn I’m stuffed. I certainly hope Marta doesn’t notice. 

They decide to go back to Marta’s place. 

Once there, Marta gets them something to drink. 

They talk for hours, laughing and drinking. 

“Oh no” I suddenly say. 

“What’s wrong detective?” A tipsy Marta says. 

“I forgot I have to drive still, and I had way too much to drink. So, I shall have to take a cab.” 

“You can stay here Benoit” Marta puts her hand on mine and gives it a little squeeze. 

“I wouldn’t want to trouble you Marta” I hold on to her hand. 

“Please stay, it’s so lonely here. Stay for as long as you want Benoit. I mean it.” Marta says seriously. 

“I wouldn’t want to leave you here alone, I can stay for tonight. Then we’ll talk about how long I’ll be staying tomorrow when you’re sober young lady”  

Marta takes a big sip of her wine. “Okay, sweetheart” she says and my heart stops for a second. If only she knew what she does to me. 

“Let me take you to bed” she is clearly drunk, so I think that’s for the best. But then I look at Marta who looks at me with a smug look and I realize how it sounded. 

“Okay detective” she winks. 

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re flirting with me darling” I say with a smile. 

“What if I am?” Marta looks really serious all of a sudden. 

“I think you need to sleep and sobber up, we can continue talking tomorrow” I carry her upstairs. 

“You can take one of the guest rooms if you want” I get a little bummed out by that, but of course I totally understand and it’s probably for the best anyways. 

“Okay darling” I kiss her forehead. “Goodnight darling” 

“Goodnight, thank you for the best date ever” she smiles cutely. 

[isntthatwrite]

Famed Professor of Ephemerality- Trader Joe Keeps us all guessing!

Life is short. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do. Many conflicting things can be true at once. Going to your local grocery store is supposed to be so predictably monotonous that you put it off until all you have at home are random leftovers that can no longer be edibly combined. You should be able to sleepwalk the aisles and know with absolute clarity what lives where — brands of bread, similar swaps in case your preferred is out of stock, knowledge of the parameters for what is and isn’t to be found at your grocery store. Stop & Shop does not celebrate time. They may put out some decorations or pumpkin pies when the season beckons, but you’ll always be able to buy the ingredients for that pumpkin pie amongst the aisles in the offseason. There is no punishment for wanting what is seasonal while in limbo. Safeway will provide you with the materials for making s’mores in the dead of winter, Giant will sell you turkey stuffing in the dog days of summer, and I’m sure those beloved local grocery stores in places I’ve never lived will also allow you to defy time. Trader Joe’s does not live in the same universe.

Trader Joe’s has one agenda. Not to sell groceries, not to flirt with their customers about their purchases at the register, but to teach non-attachment. Everything else is accessory. There is no anguish quite like seeing a product that is in no way seasonal flee the shelves, just when you got comfortable incorporating it into your day-to-day food preparations. Right when I perfected the pre-marinated shawarma chicken, we lost the avocado tzatziki. Right when I recognized the Restaurant Chocolate Cake (you know the one they always have on the menu at a restaurant that clearly forgot to make a dessert menu) for what it was (incredibly nostalgic and actually pretty delicious), it has not been seen in years. Right when I told my friends to try the Hatch Chile Chicken Wrap and would legitimately put 4 in my cart each time I went through the freezer section……. you know the rest.

I believe in experimenting. In all arenas in life, I think things can always be improved upon. Something new can always bring us perspective we did not have before. Even something utterly divine and seemingly without flaw can always be tried a different way, just to prove that the first way was actually perfect. Try new things, take note of what happened, what worked, what didn’t work. Try it again, using what you learned. Learn more, make more mistakes! Your variables are constantly changing. They say you can never step in the same river twice, but I remain convinced that I can get pretty close if I factor in enough of the variables. Trying new things keeps our brains from checking out, makes things exciting, gives us more data to work with for future endeavors. Having a steady stream of new products to try and potentially love is exciting and I know they work HARD over there at Trader Joe’s HQ coming up with new things to try. Sometimes they work too hard. I just don’t see why we had to get rid of the hatch chile chicken wraps in the process.

Embracing change is a bit of an imperative in 2022. Nothing is as it was. The new world is struggling to be born, etc etc. I now pay twice what I used to for the same groceries. Given the option, I would pay triple for the hatch chile chicken wraps to come back. There is a lot of change in my life that I am ultimately thankful for! I often chafe at it in the moment and end up incredibly thankful that it happened. It is often hard to know at a glance what is serving you or holding you back in life, and we may feel beholden to commitments we did not necessarily want to make. We are creatures of habit that value predictability and attract each other based on our ability to demonstrate this predictability to one another (even if that demonstration is simply that you will act irrationally). In the first pandemic winter, I made coconut milk overnight oats so much that I had to take an indefinite hiatus from oatmeal so I could one day return to it with excitement. Stop & Shop could never stop me from making the same meal over and over. I could buy those same cans of coconut milk and plain oats every day if I wanted. Trader Joe’s had a near constant revolving door of new products entering and old products leaving that kept me from wearing a groove in my palate. Love and loss reminds us we are alive! How great it was that I bought the hatch chile chicken wraps in such excess when I did. I suppose some love stories are only meant to last for a season. Why is it better to last than to burn? When I enter this grocery store, I am reminded to seize the day — it might just be the last time the banana pudding ice cream is ever on the shelves.

[mech-bull]

Various fandom rambling.

This is long-ish so it's going under a cut.

It has been more than 2 years since I posted any fic, and that was a purposely incomplete one. The last finished fic I posted was almost 3 years ago. In that time, I’ve also received 108 comments on various fic, and it just seems so daunting to even begin replying to those and I’m sure most of the commenters have long since moved on, anyway. This inactivity has been partly because of stressful job and other real-life situations, and partly because I just haven’t felt any sort of creative mojo. The only fandom-related things I’ve been able to do are watch things and read things.

So, I really want to commit to writing again this summer. I still have stressors and obligations to deal with but I want to get back into being a creator and not just a consumer again. I’m going to start small – I have on-hiatus fics for The Old Guard* and Breakfast with Scot that I think I’m far enough along in, I’ll be able to complete them. After that, we’ll see. I do have lots of bunnies. Just turning them into actual fic still seems harder than it has in the past.

I’m not going to write 9-1-1 fic. I’m NOT. The fandom, frankly, both scares and annoys me. I simply refuse to be a part of it.  Oh God, I’m going to write 9-1-1 fic, aren’t I?

* Are we EVER going to get The Old Guard 2??

For the 25-some years I’ve been reading fanfic, and I have said this before many times, I have always wanted versatility in my smut. Mostly because I don’t think fantasies should be limited and also to the extent that porn serves plot and characterization, it’s vital to a story’s needs to be as flexible as some of the positions I put my OTPs in (hey-oh). But also, because as much as people like to shout otherwise, fandom as a whole is not all that progressive or open-minded when it comes to gender and relationships (and I have my own hang-ups and biases here, to be sure). Certainly, some individual writers are, and certainly fandom can often be better at it than many other parts of society, but there is still a strong tendency for an overall fanon to try to fit pairings (of any gender and sex orientation) into bizarrely conservative heteronormative dynamics. Slash fandoms in particular have a real hard time separating activities in the bedroom from individual character personality traits and relationship dynamics. To me, there is a difference between saying a character is a bottom vs. a character prefers to bottom, if that makes sense. [*PLEASE NOTE that I am not saying that a person in real life can’t identify as such or have a strict preference/role. I'm talking about fictional characters whose explicit sexual activities are typically being made up entirely by fandom.] So, because of all that, I aim to write and read as many variations as possible and often even try to contrarily go against fanon trends.

That said…Buck prefers to bottom, as far as I'm concerned. Most, if not all, of his girlfriends topped him. And Taylor definitely pegged him. I assume the same is or will be true for his boyfriends. I will read other things, and YMMV (Seriously I am not looking to fight anyone on this. Have I mentioned the fandom scares me?). I think Buck would not only willingly but actively, enthusiastically, joyfully do anything his partners want to in bed. But when he has his druthers, dude wants to get fucked. Hard. Sigh, I’m going to write 9-1-1 fic, aren’t I?

[mothrasecretaccount]

Truly I think I’ve just accepted that I won’t find someone to build a life with and I’ll just have to build it with only myself in mind.

I have struggled for so long with not feeling like I’m good enough for others to want me in their life or to support through hard times. I don’t have anyone. I don’t feel hatred about it just deep sadness.

I’ve always wanted to belong somewhere and feel wanted by someone, like I actually mean something to them, but it looks like I’m just meant to alone.

I’m working up to asking my current bf to move out.. we could date casually but I just can’t do anything monogamous if there isn’t any commitment or a want to grow a life together. I could give up having a big wedding and everything else but I want to be a mother so badly, that if he truly does not want kids then that’s a hard line for me.

I’ve love so deep and so much I feel like a fucking fool. People like the way I make them feel, but I don’t think I will ever have someone love me with that same level back. I’m a placeholder until they find what they really want out of life. A fun time.

I’m almost 28. With no plans or anyone in my life that wants that and it really doesn’t seem like anything will change anytime soon. I always hoped I’d at least have one kid by time I was 25 and it’s not even like I spent my 20’s parting and having a great fucking time, it was the biggest waste of my life ever. And now everyone around me is either married, has kids, or are over going out cause they were able to actually get it out of their systems in their 20’s.

I’m fucking miserable. I’m just struggling to survive every fucking day and idk if I can do this much longer. It’s clear I’m not going to receive help or support. Guess we’ll see how much longer I can keep treading. Maybe things will get better. Maybe I’ll feel satisfied with my life one day. Maybe I’ll matter enough to someone for them to stay around..