#but unfortunately i feel i am about to make it everyone’s burden now too
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syblei-art · 12 days ago
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I will stop redesigning 2012 3DS game characters when im dead
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sorryimananti-romantic · 1 year ago
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Aurora
strategist!yunho x spy!reader
falling in love with the enemy?au
genre and warnings: some fluff, loads of angst, slow burn, suggestive, manipulation, betrayal, lies lies lies, blood and violence warnings, swearing, human lab rats, mentions of self-harm (picking at old scars), lmk if i missed sth.
word count: 26.5k
synopsis: you're finally working at halaland's most prestigious research centre as a skilled cryptographer. reality is, you're a utopian spy trained by the crescents to uncover the suspicious activity in the medical research department. to get there, you must first become a part of jeong yunho's strategy team and win his favour. however, as you both get closer, the presence of secrets burden you both and you know you're up for eventual heartbreak when you fall in love. you dread when he'll learn who you truly are.
manager-nim: @eightmakesonebraincell (made sure i got my ass working on this and yeah couldn't have done this without her <3)
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You didn’t know what you were expecting when you stepped within Halaland, legally, for the first time. One could argue about the legality of your admission into the country but as far as everyone was concerned, you were a Halaland native returning from Mist Island after training.  
“The wind is not different. The land is the same. I wonder why we have so many differences?” You wondered out loud and Seonghwa shot you a warning look, making the others in the car squirm.
“No matter how much this place feels like home, remember what you are here for,” Seonghwa looked at all three of you as he said. Everyone nodded in synchrony. “As of this moment… we’re strangers and I’m just the poor Mr. Park who was unfortunate enough to be collecting young female researchers from around the continent. Now… I hope you all remember who you are?”
“Aurora,” you called your new name, the way it rolled off your lips feeling foreign even to you. “For the cryptography team.”
“And the strategy team if you’re lucky,” Seonghwa reminded you of the first step towards your ultimate goal and you gulped, nodding. While he talked to Byeol and Nami, you resorted to watching the apple farm pass by as you drew closer to the Capital.
If someone had asked you a few years ago- before the war with Utopia began- what profession you saw yourself in, you’d say teaching in a breath. Teaching maths. Your original dream, before Halaland announced war on your home and snatched everything from you- family, friends, and dreams.
It was ironic that you were now in the very land you hated to the core, as their researcher. As the notorious Halazia Research Center- home to the most dangerous weapons on the continent- came into view, you couldn’t help but wow at the endless array of towers and buildings that must make up half of the Capital. It looked plain enough for the horrors it had been producing for a decade now. You straightened and put on a practised smile before you stopped at the gate for identification.
Thankfully, none of you held your breath as they went through your tags and got a good look at you. Seonghwa said a few words to the guards and then they let you through, leading the car to the Security Office.
You got off and took a quick glance around at the grey structure and the signs in their native language before greeting the middle-aged man who you very well recognised.
“Ladies, it’s a pleasure to finally have you here,” he took off his hat and tipped his head in greeting and the three of you curtsied. “I am Dr. Eric Cho, co-director of Halazia. I hope your journey wasn’t too troublesome- I understand you had to travel through land due to the circumstances…”
“Not at all,” Byeol passed her trademark gummy smile, one that charmed not only men but women as well. “I always wanted to see what Utopia looked like. I have to admit it wasn’t much.”
Dr. Cho seemed to like that attitude and he laughed out loud. “I’m sure it’s got some hidden gems too.”
“We travelled around the border so they probably don’t have much to share about the sights,” Seonghwa dug out cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the doctor and you watched them light each other’s cigarettes, sharing a moment which made rage simmer in your throat but you tightened your smile- Seonghwa was only acting. “Shall I take them inside?”
Dr. Cho motioned for one of the officers to escort you inside the Security Office and you weren’t surprised by how thoroughly you were all checked- they didn’t spare one inch on your body, which made you feel a bit uncomfortable. When you were done and came outside, Dr. Cho scanned you.
“Are you the one who decrypted our code in the shortest time so far?”
“3 minutes and 28 seconds, Doctor,” you saluted. “Aurora Han at your service.”
“That’s a whole 2 minutes shorter than the previous record-holder,” his eyes twinkled and you passed a proud smile. “Do you know what can happen in 2 minutes?”
“The world can change in 2 seconds.”
“I like her,” Dr. Cho laughed. “Cryptography Department, is it?”
“Keep an eye on her,” Seonghwa nodded. “Puzzles are not the only thing she is good at.”
Before the doctor could ask more, Byeol and Nami were out and the five of you had lunch where the doctor briefed you about the ambitions of this research centre and what they were striving for. It was pretty well rehearsed and felt like something he had narrated multiple times so you just listened to every word and nodded like a schoolgirl. After that, you followed an officer to the Cryptography Department where you filled the paperwork so you could get a pass and start working from tomorrow.
“Shall I ask one of those guys to give you a tour of the department?” The officer asked, looking pretty tired.
“It’s alright, I’ll just find my way to the dorms, I think the fatigue is finally catching up,” you said and he bowed before leaving. You picked up your belongings and exited the office, taking a deep breath.
This was it.
After 3 years of training as a member of Crescent- a group of spies in Utopia that infiltrated into Halaland to find something, anything to win the goddamned war, you were finally here. As you walked along the corridors, peeking into the labs and memorising the path, you couldn’t help but feel both terror and a sense of accomplishment. You weren’t afraid, no. You were terrified of the fact that whatever you did here could turn the tide of the war.
You were looking at the picture of the alumni of the department, recalling their names in your head. You remembered what the Captain- the mastermind behind the Crescents- had said time and time again:
“The easiest way to get wherever you want is to get into your senior’s good graces. The easiest way to get caught, however, comes after that.”
You were staring holes at the picture of the person you wanted to approach first when someone cleared their throat behind you, making you nearly jump out of your skin.
“You seem to know them.”
You turned around with a hand on your heart, greeted by a tall figure in a uniform you very well recognised, the black outfit producing a striking contrast with the gold medals and red details. The Strategy Department.
“Of course I know them,” you managed to say as you took a careful step away. “Who doesn’t?”
He smiled, standing beside you. “Are you the new recruit?”
“I thought that was obvious,” you couldn’t help yourself and he grinned. You stifled a smile- he had quite a friendly face. “Do you work here too?”
“I work… around,” he said and you didn’t probe further. “I’m mostly on the field though. I bring data back. So… Miss?”
“Han. Han Aurora,” you told him and he nodded.
“Aurora,” he tested, a subtle raise of his brow as he scanned you and you licked your suddenly dry lips. “Do you need help finding the dorms? I reckon you’d want to get rid of your bags before you memorise every face on the frames in this hall.”
“Sadly, yes,” you replied. You could return his humour if that was what he wanted. He seemed to be pleased and offered to hold your bags but you insisted you were fine.
“Let me have my gentleman moment, please,” he laughed and you finally handed him your bags. 
“I thought you’d have quite a bit of those moments on ‘the field’,” you commented as you walked beside him. 
“Not really,” he shook his head. “I’m only a gentleman when I’m not on the field.”
You ooh-ed dramatically at that, making him grin. After walking to the third floor and taking a few turns, you finally arrived outside the rooms.
“Men on the left, women on right,” he pointed. “You could probably choose your own room there. We don’t have many women in this field.”
“Well, I’ll take my bag from here,” you smiled. “Thank you, Mr…?”
“Jeong Yunho, from the Strategy Department.”
—-------------------
The lab in the Cryptography Department was going to be your workplace and it was everything you had expected- a bit tense, occasional jokes to lighten the mood, some of them scribbling while the others typing endlessly into the computers. You weren’t surprised by the vibe.
However, you were surprised when Jeong Yunho from yesterday introduced himself as a member of the Cryptography Department.
“He’s everywhere, you’ll get used to it,” Dr. Takashi, your team leader, said dismissively.
“When you’re from the Strategy Department… you need to be everywhere,” Yunho explained with a grin.
“Sounds fun,” you made a face and began setting your things on the desk, glancing around. “So what are your contributions to the Cryptography Department, Mr. Jeong?”
“Call me Yunho,” he smiled. “I’ll admit, not much. It’s you guys who will be cracking all the codes. Meanwhile, you, Miss Aurora, will be reporting to Dr. Takashi there with all your findings at the end of the day, and if you’re good enough, who knows? You might be assigned to my team.”
“He’s just pulling your leg,” Kate, who sat nearest to your desk, rolled around in her chair and looked pointedly at Yunho. “He’s the Strategy Department’s ace. Anyone who comes under his wing either ends up losing it or begging to quit, because once you’re assigned to him? Your life gets harder.”
“Ah, is that why you’re purposely slacking off these days, Kate?” Yunho raised a brow in challenge and Kate pursed her lips guiltily.
You remembered every detail about Jeong Yunho from the files you had read on him. Skilled cryptographer though he was playing humble here, very skilled strategist and you supposed the title of ‘ace’ fit him since his contributions stretched across multiple departments, including the Medical Department- your end goal. You knew in your bones that this man was dangerous and you could not afford a single mistake around him, but the fact that he was so… relaxed? Cheerful? Quite a contrast to the otherwise tense environment in the lab.
It put you off guard, and you did not like it.
“Shall I… try then?” You asked, drawing their attention. “I’ve been told I’m not that bad a strategist.”
“Hmm, my team has grown smaller in number in the past few months,” Yunho considered. “I like that ambition. Dr. Cho had a lot to say about you, so if you prove yourself, I might personally put in a request for you to be on my team.”
“I’m suddenly not sure if I want that,” you laughed nervously and Kate snickered.
“Yunho, you’re scaring the new kid! Get out of here, it’s only her first day, don’t overwhelm her,” Kate practically pushed Yunho out of the cubicle, his laugh ringing in the lab and the others present smiling faintly as he passed by. You frowned a bit- it was only a few hours into your first day but it was already full of surprises.
The rest of the day passed by with you studying the codes that came in for the day- thankfully, Halaland hadn’t cracked Utopia’s code of communication yet. You, of course, knew exactly what it said, being one of the masterminds behind the code creation, however, you knew you were going to be treading on dangerous waters here. You remembered what the Captain had told you-
“It’s harder to pretend that you don’t know anything than to pretend you know something. So when you see our code, how will you blend in? If you don’t provide a meaningful contribution, they’re going to transfer you out of the Capital. That means you’re done for. However, if you crack the code entirely, that means you’ve studied similar codes, which means you might be acting as a spy. So what will you do?”
“Lay low for a while and then plant an idea in someone’s head,” you had replied. “When the person gets closer to cracking the code, I’ll step in and steal the spotlight. They might call me shameless for it but in the end, what will matter is that it would be me who eventually cracked the code.”
It was only a matter of ‘when’ now, and you would thankfully be getting that message through this very code soon, by the Captain himself. Before that, you were going to start putting your plan into action and build your background so that you coming to the solution wouldn’t seem out of the blue.
And that meant you had to trick the entire Cryptography Department. That was easy- they lived in their own heads.
But could you trick Jeong Yunho? 
Later in your room, you changed into your nightgown and sat at your desk, peeking out of the window to see Dr. Cho conversing with some strangers. You shut your eyes, recalling the lesson you had learnt every day for the past two years- 
“You’re my asset, Aurora,” the Captain said and your eyes widened in surprise- the man rarely ever complimented anyone on their skill, let alone call them their ‘asset’. “You’re everything I needed.”
“And what’s that?” 
“An innocent face with a deadly brain and a frozen heart,” he patted your arm, looking down at the scar that ran down from your elbow- an ugly gash that was a sign that you were a survivor. “You’d make my perfect little spy. You’re my ace, Aurora.”
You picked at the scar as you told yourself what you were here for. 
Revenge. Plain and simple. Revenge for the people you lost, the home they took from you, the families they broke. 
All hail Utopia, you whispered to yourself as you met eyes with Dr. Cho through the window.
—----------------------
You let a few uneventful days pass by before you took your first step- which was to steer your colleagues further away from cracking Utopia’s code of communication by pointing them in a similar but totally opposite direction. 
It was simple enough- creating notes from the past few attempts of the Cryptography Department, reading books and books of code and puzzles in your spare time which you would spend either in the lab or in the cafeteria, anywhere where you had eyes. You immersed yourself in codebreaking like your teammates but with your progress, you proved everyday that you were better than the others by a good margin.
It was to the point that even your colleagues like Kate, who had initially cared if you were eating well, stopped caring altogether- you could clearly handle yourself. However, as soon as they stopped, you made sure to slack on eating, to doze off while working or scratch your hair out in frustration when you came upon a dead end. That certainly prompted some of them to ask you to take a break, reminding you that a burdened mind would be no good here.
Yunho visited twice- once with confidential information that only Dr. Takashi had the privilege to hear, and the second time to ‘glance’ around, as he put it.
He fired two people that day.
You were standing by a window and recalling the events of that day when Yunho spotted you and joined.
“What are you looking at?”
“The sky’s clear,” you replied casually.
The sky is clear. No aircrafts. No smoke. No cries of the mourners filling the seemingly permanent darkness of the sky.
“I hope you weren’t too surprised by the events of that day,” he glanced at you and you wondered if he had read your mind. “You should have guessed by now that whenever I visit, I’m actually evaluating.”
“I’m… not exactly surprised, I expected that,” you laughed nervously, not meeting his eyes. “I’ve heard enough about you and your fellows from the Strategy Department. I’m just… wondering why Strategy holds the authority to do that. I thought the Head of Cryptography did that?”
“You’re right,” Yunho nodded. “But your Head of Department is far too busy for such meagre tasks. He lets us handle it. Why do you think we hold that authority?”
You looked at him this time. “Because every second is valuable, and you cannot afford to entertain people who’re not contributing?”
“Something along those lines, but to be exact, we cannot afford the people who waste our resources. We’re few in numbers but we need maximum output. And for that, we need people who do not slack, or who at least try. So my next question is, how much are you trying, Aurora?”
Your heart sank despite all the training you had done before arriving here. “I cannot be the judge of that.”
“Exactly. You said you’re not a bad strategist. I see potential in you, but so far I haven’t seen output, Aurora. So if you at least want to stay in the Cryptography Department, I’ll need to see something significant soon.”
Asshole, you thought. You cleared your throat. “I do have this notion that I'm entertaining. I won’t spill until I’m at least 51 percent sure, but I think it could turn the tide.”
“Is that so?” Yunho raised a curious brow. 
“I’m just trying my best… Sir.”
Yunho laughed heartily at your sudden use of title and you almost glared daggers at him though his hearty laugh forced your lips to curve a bit. “I’m not pulling rank on you- that was not my intention. But… you keep working on that, okay? I’d like to hear what you’re thinking, even if you’re 49 percent sure.”
With that, he walked off and you watched his tall figure until he paused and turned, catching you staring at him.
“And Aurora?”
“Yes?”
“It’s Yunho for you,” he smiled, disappearing into the shadows. You found yourself stifling a smile at the man who could be both ice cold and warm as the sun.
Who could either unintentionally push you to success in this mission or destroy you if he learned of your true identity.
—---------------------
It was your first day off since you arrived at the facility, but you weren’t going to waste it roaming around. You had a number of tasks for today and you couldn’t risk getting caught.
You woke up at the crack of dawn and went out for your usual jog but to meet Seonghwa this time and exchange information. A few days ago you hid a letter behind one of the tires of his truck and you were going to get your answer today. You spotted Seonghwa and said hi.
“I hope you’ve adjusted well,” he asked, not daring to glance around. The people here may not have their eyes everywhere but they sure had ears.
“I’m managing,” you said with a short laugh. “Did you just get back?”
“No, I’m leaving,” Seonghwa said and you nodded slowly. “I think I’ll be on the road for a while this time.”
“I see… have a safe journey, and may the fates be with you,” you said- the farewell greeting of Mist Island. “And may you not have a problem with the tires. That one looks flat.”
“Yeah, I called someone to help me out with that,” Seonghwa scratched the back of his neck tiredly. 
“Well, I’ll be resuming my jog now.”
“Go along, and good luck with whatever the hell you’re doing here,” Seonghwa laughed lightly. “If I get praised to have found you, I’ll assume you’ve succeeded.”
“Of course, I’ll make you proud,” you saluted sarcastically before going back to your jog and analysing the conversation you just had in your head.
You had talked in code- subtle hints on what to do. Seonghwa was going somewhere far but would be travelling through Utopia- the reason he said he’d be on the road for a while. You had pointed out the flat tire where you had sneaked in a note for him a few days earlier. He had answered your question- you were doing good and now you needed to play the cards right- you needed to proceed with the plan.
So later that day, you went to Dr. Takashi and asked him why everyone in the department was analysing Utopia’s code according to maths and logic, rather than language itself.
Dr. Takashi looked at you in confusion. “What exactly are you implying?”
“I’m saying,” you swallowed, pretending to gather your courage- you knew Dr. Takashi rarely bought anyone's bullshit. “Yes, codes are usually connected to maths. It’s some simple formula, some calculation. But what if Utopia’s code is a play on language itself? Utopian language? What if, for instance, this word-” you pointed at what seemed like a random scribble, “-what if this word is a made-up word from different words, or even languages?”
“I understand what you’re implying, but I’m sure someone has already entertained this possibility before you. What makes this time different?”
“If we can crack even one word…” you began. “We could decipher the entire code. We just need to focus on patterns and repetitions and check the similarities with Utopian vocabulary or other languages.”
Dr. Takashi thought for a moment, running a hand through his salt and pepper hair. He looked at you for a few moments and then picked up the phone. You raised a brow in confusion, watching him click 2 for the Strategy Department.
“It’s- it’s just a possibility I was wondering we could entertain- are you gonna fire me?” 
“Relax,” Dr. Takashi chuckled and then cleared his throat when the line connected. “This is Dr. Takashi from Cryptograph. Could I have someone from Strategy? I think we might have something worth checking out.”
This time your surprise was a bit genuine- you hadn’t expected him to immediately ring the Strategy Department. You prayed Yunho would come- you had met another person from that department and he really wasn’t pleasant to be around.
But when Yunho entered, he had a knowing smile. “I knew it had something to do with the newcomer.”
“You’re quick,” Dr. Takashi commented. “You should hear her out.”
“51 percent sure?” Yunho asked and you nodded, the doctor looking between you two, lost. “Go ahead then. Surprise me.”
You showed your own framework and explained how with an approach that targeted repetitions and patterns in the Utopian language and worked on unjumbling it might work better and resultantly, shorten the workload. You explained that the focus should be on lingual patterns instead of mathematical ones. If you manage to crack some part of the code, you could at least make some sense of the whole message.
“That’s actually not such a bad idea. Why hasn't anyone entertained this possibility yet? It’s not a new approach as far as I know,” Yunho asked. 
“A similar approach was suggested by someone a few days earlier, but they weren't sure just how to implement it. Aurora here, however, seems to have built her own code as a set of guidelines. Certainly makes work easier.”
“I wouldn’t call it ‘guidelines’...” you faltered but the two weren’t impressed by your lack of confidence.
“You built this code in how many days exactly?” Yunho asked, grabbing the document and checking it out. 
“One day. 14 hours, to be exact.”
“And this is new? I haven’t seen something like this before, have you, Dr. Takashi?”
“I don’t think so either,” he peeked at the table. “I think you’re not meant to be here, Aurora.”
“What do you mean?” Your heart skipped a beat.
“I mean you should be creating instead of cracking,” Dr. Takashi was clearly impressed, glancing at Yunho as if to dare him to contradict his statement. Yunho, however, remained quiet until he had finished reading the code.
“I think I’ll have the team split into half- one of them can go with this approach while the other continue with their progress. I’ll have you manage that, Dr. Takashi. As for you, Aurora…” he glanced at you, face void of expressions. “Continue entertaining more possibilities- don’t waste time merging with a team unless you’re sure you’re onto something. And this time, I’ll have your ideas that you’re only about 40 percent sure as well.”
You nodded eagerly and he finally smiled. “Good work there.”
“Thank you,” you smiled and Yunho asked Dr. Takashi if he could have a word. You went back to your seat and watched the two talk in hushed voices, glancing at you. You pretended to get back to work, glad that you were the only one who could hear the thumping of your heart.
You’d done it. You had diverted the attention when they came close to actually cracking Utopia’s code. And you might just have landed a seat in the Strategy Department- you were pretty sure the two were discussing it, though you knew the type of person Jeong Yunho was, he would wait a good while and test you a lot more before ever giving you access to the facility’s perhaps most important department.
—-------------------
You stood outside the Medical Department- the largest building in the entire facility, and you sure felt like an outsider in front of the enormous doors. You showed the guard your permit and identification card and he let you in, handing you a pamphlet with a map and requesting that you follow the directions instead of roaming around.
You ignored that. You came to roam around. 
You stood in the hallway, a stretch of white and gold leading to glass doors on either side of you, the one on the left for emergency (ICU) and handling outdoor patients (OPD). Most of the traffic was around there, but-
The Medical Research Department was on your right, a semi-restricted area that you needed to get access to. The one the Captain told you about. Your origin as a spy and your end goal.
The war was going to turn 10 this year. Halaland’s war hadn’t always been with Utopia- in fact, Utopia had once been Halaland’s strongest ally, until some political strife that was unknown even to the most trusted agents of Utopia caused Halaland to ‘unwillingly’ turn their weapons towards Utopia- which happened about 4 years ago. 
The Captain had told you that the strife was born due to some disagreement in Medical Research. Utopia and Halaland had worked very closely there, and now it was your job now to see if it was just a coincidence that none of the Utopians made it back alive after being expelled when the two went against each other.
You wondered if the Captain was right. What could be in Medical Research? Drugs? Did they finally discover how to extend their life? Or some unexplainable discovery no one could ever begin to comprehend the notion of?
You waited until someone started going towards the right, following a middle-aged woman through the hallway until she turned towards a lab, leaving you alone in the corridor. You hid the map in your pocket and walked until you reached the sign with the layout of the building- Level 1 being the ground floor which contained labs for testing the official samples, Level 2 being the experimentation labs, and Level 3 being the restricted section. You knew all this from the information the Captain had gathered from ex-employees of this facility.
You also knew you could get access to Level 3- the restricted section- if you become a part of the strategy team. That wasn’t the end, though. Your priority was the basement that they called Level 0. The one that not even the residents of the Medical Department knew of.
The one that, if still in operation, might have something that could lead Utopia to salvation.
You heard someone come and you pretended to be lost, looking at them for help. It was a man about your age. “Looking for someone?”
“I’m wondering if I should give my blood sample here or in the OPD,” you let your voice shake nervously. 
“Cryptography Department? You must be here for your monthly exam,” he asked and you nodded. “Well, you’ll have to go to the OPD for that, but if you’re already here, I’ll save you the trip, follow me.”
You thanked him, walking a few steps behind him and he asked if you had received the map or instructions before entering. You told him it was your first month here and the guard was too busy eating snacks to provide help. The man shook his head, telling you this wasn’t the first time someone had strayed here.
After giving your blood sample, you walked back to your department slowly, calculating the outcome of each move you could make from here on. There were a number of paths the Captain had sketched for you, but he had trusted you as long as you reached your goal with minimum damage. But no matter what, you had to win Jeong Yunho’s favour and get yourself in his strategy team if you wanted to get to Level 0. 
And maybe it was time you showed Yunho just what you were made of. 
You went straight back to your lab and started working on another code-cracking framework you had been building for the last two days. Once you were done, you analysed it with a few samples of Utopia’s code.
If anyone could actually figure it out (which you were sure no one in this lab would) it could break at least half of Utopia’s code language. For days, you had built everything for this exact moment. With your heart skipping beats to the point you had to sit down and shut your eyes for a few seconds, you got up and walked to your colleague Sam.
“Can I have a moment?”
He looked up, pushing his glasses up and his tousled washed-out hair away. “Sure. What’s the matter?”
You took a seat next to him. “You specialise in the structures of codes, right? I was wondering if this framework makes any sense to you- I thought an external opinion would be good because my brain’s a mess right now and I don’t want to dump this away without being sure.”
“Ah, let me see,” Sam started going through the document and you watched him look unimpressed until you pushed at the Utopian code’s samples you had been working on, which was when he detected the pattern and looked at you in surprise.
“Where did you get this?”
“The framework? I built this-”
“No, the samples,” he began, opening his drawer and pausing to check the date on your copy of samples before rushing through his drawers, creating a mess and then asking Kate to get two copies of the samples from all the dates you had already analysed. You pretended to be nervous but you were actually sweating visibly.
“Is everything… okay?”
“Yeah- yeah, everything is okay,” he nodded, his pitch uneven. “I just need to make sure you have the right samples.”
Kate arrived, looking intrigued and you both watched Sam double-checking everything and even calling the linguist in the room. You kept scratching at the skin around your fingernails until Sam finally took off his glasses and looked at you in disbelief.
“I think you’ve done it, Aurora. We’ve never been closer to cracking the entire code.”
You almost cried out in disbelief, looking around to see the rest with genuine smiles on their faces. Sam told you to follow him to Dr. Takashi’s office where the two of you briefed him on your progress and he immediately pulled the codes that had been intercepted today and let you work on it. You decrypted about 25 percent of the code.
“It makes sense,” Dr. Takashi studied it. “Unless we’re all gaslighting ourselves to believe it does. I think we should still get Strategy to see it- if they can get this to the engineers, they might be able to feed this format into their machines, which would make decryption a matter of mere seconds. We could win this war, Aurora, because you sit holed up in a corner with those stupid gummy bears and your codes, do you understand?”
This time, your tears of happiness were real, though not for the reason they thought.
I can win this war.
“I guess it’s a battle of who falls first- Aurora’s teeth or Utopia.”
“That’s a bad joke, Sam,” you rolled your eyes, laughing. “My teeth are perfectly intact. Gummy bears are harmless.”
“Says who?”
You turned to the familiar voice- Yunho, entering and looking just as surprised to see you. “Don’t tell me you called me because someone has cavities.”
You turned to Dr. Takashi- when did he call him? Or did someone else?
“Those gummy bears might have contributed to the decryption. Take a look at this, Yunho, and tell me what you make of it.”
Yunho looked sceptical as he glanced at you before sitting down. You gulped involuntarily as he analysed the document faster than even Dr. Takashi who was supposedly the expert here. He checked the decrypted sample.
“You broke the code?” He glanced at you.
“A bit of it, it seems?” 
Yunho stared at you as if he had figured you out, scanning every bit of your face and your body language. When he finally got up, you almost sighed in relief. “I’ll get this to the Department. Aurora, follow me please.”
You gathered up the rest of the documents, arranging them as you followed Yunho who looked even taller in his uniform- perhaps he had just returned from the ‘field’. He turned as if he had felt you staring at him and smiled encouragingly, allowing you to fall in step with him.
“So what’s it about the gummy bears?”
“I may have a severe addiction, Sir.”
Yunho grinned at the way you formally put it. “And that addiction may have contributed to this outcome? If so, I might send a request to the government to send funds for… ‘snacks’.”
“Definitely,” you grinned but it fell when you felt another nervous cramp in your stomach. “Can you please tell me what to expect? I might fall down at this rate, I’m very nervous.”
“I’ll catch you if you fall,” Yunho said and your heart lurched at the way he so casually said that. “Well, Strategy is nothing like the Cryptography Department. I’m not saying your bunch is relaxed but everyone is always tense in our department. You’ll see what I mean- just try not to speak unless you’re spoken to, and try to… stick with me.”
You made an impressed face. “Thank you.”
“Thank me later,” Yunho said and you exited the building, the evening sun casting a golden glance and making Yunho’s skin glow beautifully.
“Try not to stare at anyone if you can help it,” Yunho caught you looking and you felt like you could disappear- so much for training to be subtle. Yunho always caught you looking at him and that did nothing but worsen your unnecessary want to keep looking at him.
 “I don’t stare at just anyone! What do you take me for,” you almost mumbled. “You stare more than me.”
“That’s because I’m figuring you out.”
“Who says I’m not looking at you for that reason too?” You countered.
Yunho paused, stifling his smile. “Figuring people out is a part of my job, Aurora.”
Sure is.
“Figuring people out is a part of my personality,” you simply said.
“And would you say you have me figured out? With the amount of times I’ve caught you looking at me, I bet you have…”
“Are you…” you laughed. “Trying to flirt or something? And no I haven’t figured you out, you’re a hard nut to crack.”
The sound of Yunho’s laugh warmed your heart. “That wasn’t my intention, I’m just pointing it out!”
“Sure. Your ears are very red, by the way. You might want to do something about it before we enter your department.”
Yunho shook his head in amusement. “You… you’re really something, Aurora. Before we get in there, I’m offering you something- would you like to be a part of my team?”
You raised a brow. “Just like that?”
“I think I have figured you out enough to be able to make that decision,” he got serious. “Honestly, I almost did this a few days ago when you presented that framework. I found that it made things much easier. I think with your current findings… we’ll definitely have something.”
You considered for a moment, trying to figure out what the glint in his eyes meant. Was he actually impressed? Even if he was, which you supposed everyone was at this point, he definitely had some plans for you. You weren’t sure if you wanted to join his team or someone else’s in Strategy, but goodness, was he a breath of fresh air in this land that suffocated you to the core.
“Can I tell you my answer after we’re done for the day?” You asked and he nodded earnestly, motioning for you to follow him.
The first thing you noticed when you entered the department was the noise. There were people freaking out, to put it simply. Messages exchanged across the room, people rushing around with documents in their hands, superiors barking orders- a stark contrast to the comfortable silence of Cryptography. To reel you in from that mess, Yunho put a hand on your back to guide you across the hallway, leading you to the office upstairs.
“We’re meeting the supervisor. She’ll know what to do with you, and she might offer you something better as well. I know I would too, if I was her.”
“Well, that’s certainly relaxing,” you shivered and he grinned. “Let’s get it over with.”
With a knock, Yunho entered and bowed with you following suit. “This is Aurora from the Strategy Department.”
“Ah, the one you can’t shut up about?” The supervisor said- a very elegant middle-aged woman. You turned to Yunho who was yet again blushing from his ears. “I’m Dr. Angela Choi. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”
“The pleasure’s mine,” you said and took a seat.
“What do we have now?” Dr. Choi asked.
Yunho handed you whatever files he had and urged you to go ahead and explain. You straightened and knowing now was the time you needed to impress the Strategy Department, you fell into explaining the background of your approach first, briefing her about whatever progress you had made up until now.
“That’s certainly one way to look at it- more plausible than what we had so far,” Dr. Choi studied your framework. “I like this. Even if it doesn’t work, the approach you’re taking is fresh. Perhaps because you’re young?” She laughed.
“Come on, you’re not too old yourself,” Yunho laughed along and you could sense they were comfortable with each other. “Aurora, she’s… quick. Intelligent.”
“Yes, I think someone like her shouldn’t be hiding in Cryptography,” Dr. Choi seated back, looking relaxed. “Perhaps she should join our department. Maybe with the computer scientists? They’ve been trying endlessly to make their decryption devices more efficient. They just don’t have the right data to feed in. I’ll hand them this data- it could change the course of this war. You understand that, Aurora?”
“I do, but,” you looked around. “I expected this conversation to be more… tense.”
“I understand. I must seem very laid back, huh?” Dr. Choi smiled. “I haven’t sat in my office in ten days. I was occupied at the field, at the heart of all operations. Strategists have to be able to work well under pressure.”
“Not just the strategists…” you sighed. “It’s just very different here than in Mist Island.”
“Ah, yes, Mist Island. They were losing the war, weren’t they, until they joined us?” She asked and you nodded. “Those who have more to lose, they break under the idea itself. We have a lot to lose too, yes, but we’ve been winning this war for years now. It’s only a matter of time until it ends.”
You were genuinely impressed by her confidence, even though it disgusted you to the core how little they cared about the losing side. Dr. Choi continued. “We’ve created a somewhat relaxed and peaceful environment so our cryptographers, engineers, doctors and nurses don’t feel burdened. We give them deadlines, yes, but we, the strategists, take all of their burden. We don’t want anyone else to break under pressure or we’ll lose. So, how well can you handle pressure, Aurora?”
You looked at Yunho whose smile didn’t quite meet his eyes. You wondered why. “I can handle it well, Doctor.”
“Very well. Consider my offer but if you want to stick to your current department, that’s alright too. Mr. Jeong, if you can escort her back?”
“Yes,” he got up and bowed and you followed him outside, navigating out of the hustle until you exited the department and Yunho exhaled like he could finally breathe. 
“Care for a drink?”
“You must really want me to join your team,” you smiled and he shook his head in amusement. 
“I’m just really thirsty, but I’m also wondering what’s on your mind.”
You accepted and he took you to the cafeteria, taking the window seats. You looked at him. “Halaland must have an ace up their sleeve. I’ve seen what the losing side looks like and this is far from it.”
“Perhaps,” Yunho’s tone was cryptic. “Isn’t it good to be on the winning side?”
“That’s debatable too, but that’s also the reason I’m here,” you told him. No lies there. “What does your team offer?”
“Field work. Assessing the situation and taking steps accordingly. Guiding the cryptographers and the other departments. We make the decisions that could save lives, but our decisions are not always in our favour. And most importantly, in war there’s sacrifice. You understand what I mean, don’t you?”
You nodded, eager. You were so close to your destination now. “I like that, but tell me… do you always scout people like this?”
That took Yunho by surprise and he laughed and you couldn’t help but join. “You’re the first. I’ve never had to practically beg someone to join my team. Usually the higher-ups make that decision for me and I only decide if I want to keep them.”
“You might change your mind later,” you shrugged.
“I won’t know until I work with you though,” he sipped his coffee, scanning you. “So? Do you like Dr. Choi’s offer more?”
“I’ll join your team,” you said and watched how he relaxed a bit. “I don’t want to be holed up with the machines. That’s not my forte.”
“Do you mind me asking… who trained you before you came here?”
Your heart skipped a beat as the face of the Captain flashed behind your eyes. But you had another name to give- another mentor who was just like you, a spy who made his place here. “Dr. Kang who, I believe, is in the Medical Research Department here?”
Yunho raised a brow at that, surprised. “Dr. Kang trained you? He must have trained you for the Strategy Department then. Why begin with Cryptography?”
“He wasn’t sure I could handle it,” you placed your cup on the table. “And he might be right. We’ve all lost something in this war, haven’t we?”
Yunho unconsciously glanced at what was visible of the scar on your arm and you caught that, tugging your sleeve down which took him out of his trance. So he had noticed. He cleared his throat, meeting eyes with you. 
“We all have,” his voice was thick with emotion and you could tell he had lost something- or someone important too. “Well, let’s hope you can show Dr. Kang that you can handle more than he thinks.”
“Do you know Dr. Kang personally?” You asked, actually curious. There was no way-
“Kang Yeosang, right?” Yunho was smiling. “He’s an old friend. He got me here.”
Your heart sank. Yunho was Kang Yeosang’s old friend? Was he also a spy then? But… there was no way you could confirm that. And if he was not a spy for Utopia…
That meant he was more dangerous than you had thought. 
“Wow… what a coincidence,” you exhaled. “Yeah, it’s been a while since I met Dr. Kang. I hope I can see him soon.”
“He’s quite busy these days. Very hard to run into him now,” Yunho finished his coffee. “But tell you what- next time I have business in Medical Research, you may tag along.”
“Sure.”
“Is there a reason you aren’t mentioning that you have medical experience as well?” Yunho asked and you sighed internally- he really was testing you at every point. You wondered why. “I mean… I looked at your resume before making the decision to offer you a spot in my team. But you haven’t told me anything about your previous experiences at all.”
“Does it matter?” You asked. “Everyone in Mist Island was trained to gain some medical experience. I don’t like to go into the details, but the one who found me insisted it be mentioned.”
“Is there a reason behind that? You don’t have to tell me exactly what, I just want to know if you’re okay with medical field work if we’re required to do so in the future.”
“Yes, there is a reason why I don’t like mentioning it,” you told him. “Dr. Kang knows my history. If you trust him… you can trust me, can’t you?”
The way Yunho did not immediately agree told you he must know something- either about you or his old friend. You cleared your throat. “I’m okay with medical field work. I’m not the best but I can certainly assess the situation and act quickly.”
“That’s good enough,” Yunho grabbed his things from the table and you started getting up as well. “I won’t pressure you to do anything you do not want to, so when I offer you an assignment, you don’t have to worry about me firing you if you do not accept it because you’re uncomfortable. I only fire people who are-”
“A burden, a waste of resources, yes, I know the drill,” you finished for him and he grinned, walking with you outside.
“Well then. Pack your stuff, and I’ll see you tomorrow in Room no. 8 of the Strategy Department. Sleep well, Aurora.”
He was about to go but you grabbed his arm lightly and he paused, turning in surprise. “I haven’t thanked you for your kind offer.”
“Thank me later,” he winked and ran off, making you wonder just how you were supposed to thank him ‘later’.
—----------------------
Yunho was nothing like the person you had come to know in the past month when he was working. If you thought you knew him, you were so wrong.
You weren’t sure what surprised you more- the switch of character or the fact that you misjudged him. Perhaps because it was your first time interacting with someone outside of work first. Perhaps you should have expected it-
No. He was different.
He was a natural leader, you were finding. He was respected and possibly even feared by the fresh recruits- your fellows from Cryptography weren’t wrong about him. He took charge of the room, barked orders, maintained punctuality down to the seconds and wanted results. Quick. And anyone who couldn’t deliver was given an earful in private.
He told you he would cut you some slack only on your first day, like he did with everyone. You were no longer ‘Yunho’ and ‘Aurora’. He was ‘Sir’ and you were ‘Miss Han’ which put a strict distance between you. He did not joke around while working at all. You learned that he was right when he said he had to be on his toes, had to make important decisions and choose what to keep and what to sacrifice. 
It had been over a week now- you had shifted your dorms, the current room giving you the view of your former workplace but blocking the sun, which you didn’t mind. It was a bit more luxurious too and gave you better room for optimisation, but you had nothing much here anyway.
The emptier the better.
Yunho was the leader of your team- Team no. 8. He reported to Dr. Choi who reported to the Head of the Department. The decision-making usually fell to the higher-ups and the team leaders, and the working dynamics were good. You wondered if that was the reason Halaland was winning.
You wondered how Utopia was handling things- you missed home. You missed the smell of citrus in the air, back before the smell of smoke and blood became a norm. You missed the constantly cloudy but blue sky before it took on an eternal darkness- you were beginning to hate the sun here. 
You missed your family who were no longer here, gone together in the dead of night, leaving you forlorn in this world. You missed the new family you had found among the Crescents- even though they insisted attachment would do you no good, the Captain himself had been like a big brother to you. Perhaps because all of you had bonded over mutual loss that you found yourselves unable to not depend on each other, not find comfort in each other. They were home, no matter where you went after that. 
You didn’t realise how long you had been standing at the end of the corridor where the dorms were, at the only window in the building that faced west towards Utopia, scratching at the scar on your arm until you felt gentle fingers lace through your hand and place them softly on the window sill. 
Again, you were surprised for many reasons as you looked up at the man who was always there when you least expected him, whose footsteps were so silent yet presence so filling, whose gaze was so warm even when he put distance between you. He stood next to you, his hands right next to yours as he looked outside.
“I’m curious what part of this view exactly is so captivating that you’ve been standing motionless for so long,” he commented, peeking out with an unimpressed face. “All I see is barren land and a boring sky.”
“That’s exactly what I needed,” you said, glad your voice didn’t crack, glancing at what you had done- you never let the scar heal. You were always picking at the long gash somewhere. A reminder, you told yourself, though you didn’t need to hurt yourself to be reminded. It already hurt enough. “I didn’t want to be distracted by a pretty view.”
“Makes sense,” he turned towards you, glancing at the bleeding scar again. “Does that hurt?”
You didn’t expect him to inquire directly about the topic you both had danced around since you met. “Not really.”
“Doesn’t look like it,” he tsk-ed. “Do you have a first-aid kit in your room?”
“No?”
“You should have,” he looked disappointed. “I’ll ask someone to give you one. If you’re going to the field, you should definitely have a kit with you at all times.”
“But I’m not… or am I?” You narrowed your eyes and he stifled a smile. 
“I thought I’d ask you how your first week had been before offering you to join me,” he put his hands in the pockets of his black slacks. “Was it too much?”
“Not at all,” you glanced down again- it was starting to sting a little especially with the blood wanting to trail down-
“This won’t do,” Yunho sighed. “Come with me.”
“Where?”
“Just… stop questioning me for once and come with me,” he said and you thought you heard the tiniest bit of frustration in his voice so you followed him to the other end of the hall and realised he might be taking you to the men’s dorm. He unlocked the door to his room and you immediately felt like you were being hugged by him- the clean, almost aquatic scent of whatever product he used filled the room.
It was nice.
Yunho motioned to the couch and you glanced around before taking a seat- it looked as empty as your room, the only sign of living some clothes hanging around or food in the kitchen from where Yunho got his kit and came to sit beside you.
“I can do this-” 
“Let me,” he insisted, looking at you for permission and when you nodded, he took your arm and examined it, drawing your sleeve up hesitantly until it was above the elbow. He dipped some cotton in alcohol and cleaned it, the sting drawing your focus and when you winced, Yunho shook his head.
“You should stop picking at your scar if you want to work in the field,” he began, his voice low and thick now that he was so close. “It would be a shame if it got infected. I want my members in top condition, you understand?”
“Yes, Sir,” you answered and he grinned.
“I told you, it’s just Yunho for you- when we’re not working,” he insisted and you nodded. “You can ask me now. I can see you have questions.”
“What exactly will we be doing?”
“I cannot tell you until we’re on the mission,” he finished cleaning. “But we might have to travel a bit and transfer confidential data.”
“I guess I’ll join? I have nothing better to do.”
“Ay, are you saying your time at the department is a waste?”
“I mean- yeah, I could keep working but this would be better-”
Yunho laughed, wrapping a bandage around your arm and you pouted when you realised he was back to being the goofy senior you had come to know in your duration here. “I know what you mean, you don’t have to explain yourself. You’ll learn a lot from the field but you should know that everything we see, everything we observe is strictly confidential. You understand that, don’t you?”
“I do, and that’s why I am working here,” you told him and he liked your answer.
“There,” he tied the bandage. “I don’t want to see you picking at your scar again. If you feel like doing that again… come find me and I’ll distract you, okay?”
“Come find me,” you quoted back with a scoff, surprising him. “When you’re the busiest person I know? I thought you were friendly with me just to get me on your team, and then suddenly there’s this distance between us and you’re ‘Sir’ and I’m ‘Miss Han’ and you keep ordering me around and pushing me-”
You stopped when you saw how he was smiling, head resting on his hand, elbow propped on his leg. “What?”
“Carry on,” he urged. “I’m enjoying this.”
“I’m not,” you sighed, your heart suddenly aching at the sight of him- you were getting really annoyed at the way he made you ramble and had you expecting more when in fact, you should be anywhere but here-
“Just say that you missed me, Aurora.”
“As if,” you scoffed. “Thank you for the help. I’m going,” you said and got up but he grabbed your wrist, making you sit right back and you gaped at him as he failed to hold his smile, the smile that changed his entire face and made his eyes curve-
“Well, I definitely missed this,” he said but his eyes changed as he locked them with yours. “You can find me anytime you want. If it’s too much, if anything’s bothering you, you can find me, okay? I won’t let you down.”
You raised a brow. “Do you offer this to everyone?”
“Maybe? Some of it?” He wondered out loud, indicating he might not have offered this to anyone at all, for that matter. “My point is… I know we all have scars, Aurora. Not all are physical. The physical scars? They hurt more here, don’t they?” He pointed at his heart. “You’re… a part of my team now. I want your wits gathered. I want you relaxed because you’ve seen how tense the rest of my team is. I think I can depend on you if you can depend on me- and when we go on this mission, I’d be glad if I’m right about this.”
“Just say that you missed me too,” you laughed and he joined, realising he was still holding your wrist, letting it go gently. “Okay. I’ll try to find you next time.”
“Good,” he nodded, satisfied. “...good.”
You realised he was spacing out as his eyes travelled all across your face. You stared right back- at his kind eyes, at his incredibly charming face, at the way his hair fell on his forehead and when his eyes met yours, he held your stare for a moment too long before clearing his throat.
“Well, I’ll brief you tomorrow about the mission so you still have time if you want to change your mind. Think it over tonight, okay?”
“Okay,” you finally got up, straightening your clothes. “Thank you… for everything.”
Yunho smiled at that and you left for your room, staring at the bandage until you fell asleep.
—---------------------
It was two days later that you found yourself on the road with Yunho, travelling in a military car escorted by soldiers. You two were the only ones facing each other in the backseats but Yunho was currently busy going through some documents and you recalled the conversation you just had with him in the office.
Your colleague Hani, who had field experience, had briefed you about the clauses in your contract- what to do in case you found yourself in a compromising situation or if your life was being threatened in exchange for information. You had a strict non-disclosure agreement already signed, but this was a fresh reminder that anything could go wrong. 
And that your life had little to no value so you shouldn’t bother saving yourself by exchanging information. It was like this everywhere, but since it was the enemy you were now working for, you hated the idea of even getting a scratch for them, though the Captain had told you that you would be put in such a situation eventually. Today, you were going to play your part in a rehearsed skit. And today was all about your acting skills.
You touched the locket around your neck that Yunho had given you before leaving. He caught you tugging at it and you put it inside your uniform- all black with red details like Yunho’s. He cleared his throat. “Nervous?”
“A bit, but I’m fine,” you admitted. He was probably inquiring because the locket was your death sentence- a cyanide pill you could use only if all else failed. You recalled the moment when he had secured it around your neck himself and then put his hands on your shoulders, making you lock eyes with him.
“I’ll pray you never have to resort to a situation where you have to use this,” Yunho’s voice was firm. “If you’re in pain, you live through it. Think about your family, your friends, or whoever you’re fighting for. You make it back alive no matter how hard it is, you hear me?”
“Yes, sir.”
“But,” and this time, his voice was steel and gaze so harsh that you wondered if this was the same person who told you he could ask the government to provide funds for your gummy bear addiction. “If you think of betraying your team and someone loses their life because of you? I’d rather you have eaten the pill.”
Your heart sank dangerously and you recalled when the Captain had held you just like this and told you what fate you would meet if you ever betrayed them. You nodded firmly, once. “Of course.”
Immediately, his gaze softened and he patted your arm as he let go. “I know how hard it is to make a decision, especially when they have something on you. But the enemy, no matter how appealing their offer is, you do not give in, okay? If the pain really is too much to handle… I wish you’d live through it instead of opting for this solution.”
“I understand,” you nodded, pursing your lips. “I really do.”
Now, in the car with Yunho who scanned your face as if trying to figure out just what was going through your head, you decided to ask him. “What if we lose each other in the middle of the mission?”
“Glad you asked,” he sighed. “I’ll show you the points where we can gather as soon as we’re entering the town.
And when you did, he sat next to you, pointing at 5 random points that were chosen for today’s mission. He told you their strategy was to always have new points to gather at during every mission so nobody could snitch on them. When you finally reached Sector 1, Yunho made sure your bulletproof vest was secured under your uniform and you had no bugs on you- ‘protocol’, he called it, though you made sure he saw you scowl. You stopped at an old hospital that was now abandoned and got off, the harsh sun making you flinch and immediately wear your shades.
“This hospital used to be the heart of this town, before a bomb struck here,” Yunho told you and you nodded- you recalled that. It was a few years ago when Neverland managed to strike here and you always wondered how someone could be heartless enough to target a hospital.
It made sense later- Neverland, now Utopia’s ally but earlier the enemy, probably also got a whiff of whatever the hell was going on with Halaland’s Medical Research Departments. Innocent lives were lost but you hoped at least something had come out of it.
“I always wondered why anyone would target hospitals,” Yunho said out loud as if he had read your mind.
You cleared your throat. “Halaland targeted hospitals first. I hope you haven’t forgotten your history… Sir.”
Yunho glanced at you, eyes unreadable behind the shades. “Of course I remember. That’s why I said ‘anyone’. What do you think? Why would someone target the hospitals?”
A test, perhaps. You pretended to think. “Doctors… They’re the backbone of any war, and perhaps the most precious asset especially in war.”
Yunho nodded, satisfied. “It’s a low move. I don’t support that, but like I said, sometimes when you strategise, sacrifices must be made.”
“And what came out of sacrificing doctors?”
“That’s not for just anyone to know,” Yunho pointed to the backdoor and you followed him.
“So am I ‘just anyone’?” 
“As am I,” he sighed. “I’ve only heard something did come out of it, and something valuable was lost when this hospital was targeted. Pretty sure they weren’t talking about the doctors or the patients.”
You wondered if he really did not know or was pretending. You spotted a shadow behind the door and Yunho confirmed it was the man you were supposed to meet. He led you inside and the man met both your eyes before handing Yunho an envelope- the contents inside you referred to as ‘the key’. He turned to you and you handed him your key. With a nod, you parted ways and exited the hospital.
“That’s about it,” Yunho exhaled in relief. “A simple exchange of information. No words spoken. The information is not for our eyes nor can we interpret it. We’re only couriers.”
“So was that man a spy then?” You asked. “Do you receive information from other lands?”
“I don’t know who that is,” Yunho admitted and you believed him. “But I reckon he must be. You wouldn’t make such a fuss for a local.”
You started driving back, pretending to be relieved that the mission was over when in fact, you were counting the minutes.
And then it happened- you heard the sound of a gunshot and you flinched even when you saw it coming. The soldier escorting you spoke in the radio to make sure everything was clear, but-
“We have a tail, Sir- 2 SUVs. We’re waiting for your orders.”
You looked at Yunho who dared to peek outside before calling in his radio, “Turn west. We’re taking Route no. 3. Provide cover-”
Another gunshot and this time you had to cover your ears and crouch down out of instinct as the windshield shattered. Yunho’s eyes were wide with horror as he took in the sight of the shot driver, the soldier frantically trying to steer the car while putting one hand on the wound on the driver’s chest. You straightened and looked at Yunho.
“I can either drive or provide medical attention- or fight back. What do you want me to do, Sir?”
“How good is your aim?”
You let the faintest hint of a smirk grow on your lips. “Good enough, Sir.”
With that, you dragged the driver’s body to the backseat with the soldier’s help who immediately put pressure on the wound and checked the pulse. Yunho crawled to the driving seat and you borrowed the soldier’s rifle and examined the situation- one of your escort cars was down and you only had one at your front and on your right now. 
So you waited until you sighted the tail- a black SUV. You aimed for the tires and shot once, twice, hitting the mark on your second shot which gave the escort car behind you a chance to shoot at the passengers. You broke the rest of the windshield with the butt of your rifle to clear your view, surprising Yunho, and sat on the frame to take another shot, managing to break their windshield this time. They fell back and the escort cars provided cover. The soldier honked and the three of your cars picked speed, the one behind you shooting aggressively. It seemed to have worked and you lost your tail, managing to follow the designated route.
You slid back to your seat, turning to check if you could assist in any way but it was too late- the soldier looked grim as he met eyes with you.
“He was gone within a minute.”
You bit your lips, wondering if you could have saved him had you not been selfish and hesitant about practising medical attention on people anymore. You glanced at Yunho who was clenching his jaw. With a sigh, you rested on the seat as you calmed yourself down from the adrenaline and braced yourself for whatever was about to happen next.
The drive was pretty much silent until you reached the Research Centre, a medical team ready to take the people who lost their lives in the mission. You learned that two other soldiers had died. After paying your respects, you escorted Yunho to your department where the supervisor, Dr. Choi was waiting.
“I heard it went well,” she said and you raised a brow, glancing at Yunho who appeared tense.
“We lost three soldiers today.”
“But you have the key?” She asked, referring to what you had received from the supposed-spy.
Yunho didn’t say anything, just handed the key to the doctor and she didn’t open it. She looked at you. “Report.”
You swallowed. “We had no tail until after we left the hospital. About 800 metres on Route no.1, we received the tip from Escort Car no. 3 about the tail. As soon as Mr. Jeong ordered us to embark on Route no. 3, our driver was shot and we had to improvise. The soldier with us went on to provide medical attention to him while Mr. Jeong drove and I attacked. I managed to puncture their tire and shoot through their windshield which Escort Car no. 2 informed us, helped eliminate one of the 5 passengers in the black SUV without a plate. That’s when we lost them and continued our return.”
“I see. Anything you’d like to add to that, Mr. Jeong?” 
“I’ll let you make the conclusion,” Yunho answered, looking like he could kill her. “I don’t know if it’s my position to say this but maybe you should take a look at who’s friend and who’s foe again. No one other than me knew our meeting point. Me and the person we were meeting.”
Dr. Choi shifted in her seat, looking amused. “You’re telling me that I should look into that person and you?”
Yunho shrugged. “I think you know exactly what I meant.”
You poked your tongue in your cheek as you looked back and forth between them. They were practically having a stare down and Dr. Choi finally nodded slowly. Yunho said he would take his leave now, leaving you alone with the supervisor who simply smiled.
“He gets like this when a mission doesn’t go smoothly.”
“I see,” you nodded slowly. So it had happened before. “Anything I should do, Dr. Choi?”
“Let’s see,” Dr. Choi opened the envelope and skimmed through the contents. “Not for now, no. You can take the rest of the day off. You did well.”
—-----------------------
Though your mission today had gone exactly the way you had wanted to- a successful exchange of information followed by an attack, staged by the Crescents just so you could prove you were indeed someone who could be trusted- a test, you realised now, from the Crescents as well- you still felt unsatisfied for a number of reasons.
Firstly, you had not expected the driver of your own car to get shot. You could very well have been hurt as well. You still felt guilty about not caring enough to provide medical assistance- the soldier, you were sure, only knew the basics. You could have saved him. You felt partially responsible for that loss.
You were also worried about just who in Crescents lost their lives in the mission today. You prayed it was no one you knew, but the thought that they were risking their lives like this upset you even when you had seen them go to more dangerous missions and not return. Now that you were a part of this, it stung more.
And then there was Yunho. His reaction to the dead soldier didn’t surprise you- you knew now that he was a compassionate soul no matter how stern and cold he might seem at times. But it was his behaviour with Dr. Choi that surprised you more- was it her nonchalance towards the lives lost that put him off or was it something else?
You had roamed around after getting the day off when it was already almost time for dinner. You met your teammates from Cryptography and checked their progress and they had a good laugh over how far you had come and if you’d last any longer. However, when you headed to your room, you spotted Yunho standing by the window you had met a few days earlier. Your heart tugged at the sight and you considered ignoring him and heading to your room but you wanted to know what was going through his mind right now.
You wanted to figure him out so bad that it was driving you a little crazy, and that was not good. Not in this field.
Cautiously, you walked to him and though he sensed you coming, he didn’t move until you stood next to him, hands on the sill right beside his, so near they could touch. You looked at the view.
“Not a very captivating view, is it?”
A trace of a smile danced on his lips though he maintained his composure. You stifled a sigh and dared to look at him- he looked so very tired and you wondered if he was exhausted due to the events of today or just tired of wearing his mask. Whatever it was, this was the first time you saw such emotions in his eyes.
“I know you offered to me that I could come find you whenever I felt like picking at my scar again,” you began, ignoring your subconscious that sounded a lot like the Captain cursing at you. “I thought I’d offer you the same. I should have offered it that day, but…”
“Thank you, Miss Han, but-”
“That’s Aurora for you-”
“-I’m not picking at my scars-”
“Scars of the heart,” you reminded him before he could tell you to bug off. He looked at you, hair a mess and over his eyes, still in his uniform with quite a few buttons undone and wondering just what your deal was. You gave him a tight-lipped smile. “Have you had dinner yet?”
When he didn’t respond, you tsk-ed. “Do you want to have some ramen? I’ve heard I make killer ramen.”
Yunho finally gave in and scoffed, urging you to lead the way, following you to your room and you almost shut the door behind you when you realised he was still waiting outside.
“Aren’t you coming in?”
“I thought you were going to take the ramen or whatever to the dining hall?”
“Just… come in. I have better snacks,” you told him.
He shook his head. “Of course you do.”
You asked him to make himself comfortable while you went into the kitchen and started cooking. Yunho took that as a sign to roam around in your space- empty walls just like his, the only sign of life the clothes on one chair-
And the unholy amount of the unhealthiest snacks he had ever seen lining the kitchen shelves. He sat on the two-seater table next to the kitchen, watching you cook. “Do you even eat normal food?”
You glared at him, not bothering to respond, focusing on the ramen while he rested his chin on his hand as he watched you until you settled down, scooping some ramen for him and cracking open two beers. You clicked your drinks and ate in silence. He was probably still sorting his thoughts, you reckoned. 
It wasn’t until he was finished, drinking his second can of beer that he finally exhaled deeply. You didn’t push, just relaxed back as you swirled your can lazily.
“Thank you for the meal, Aurora. It’s very kind of you.”
“You sound way too formal, Yunho,” you sighed.
“And you sound like me, I’m realising,” he put his head in his hands as he laughed a little. “I must have sounded like this that day, huh?”
“Now you know,” you teased.
He sighed again. “I don’t know what went wrong today. It’s happened before and I’m not even surprised,” he admitted and you nodded. “I’m just… I should have known that no one would give two shits about the lives lost today. All they care about is getting their hands on whatever information can cause the most destruction.”
“‘In war there is sacrifice’,” you quoted him and he lifted his head to look at you.
“I know. But I’m human too.”
“I understand,” you said and he wasn’t surprised at your grim tone.
There were a few moments of silence as you both sorted your thoughts out. “It’s not your fault, about the driver. You couldn’t have saved him even if you wanted to- not with that wound.”
You looked at him- how could he know just what you were feeling when he himself was a mess?
“Neither was it your fault about the events of today,” you countered. “We’re simply couriers. It’s the higher-ups who gave us the orders, knowing the risks. They should feel responsible about the loss.”
“They never do,” Yunho clenched his eyes shut as if a memory pained him. You let him have a moment and he opened his eyes, locking them with yours.
“Listen, Aurora. What happened today should not have happened, but this was your first mission. I’m proud of how you handled it.”
Your heart sank in guilt but you nodded. “Thank you.”
“I do want to keep you as my teammate, but… it’s only getting uglier as the days pass. The higher-ups have stopped caring about the lives lost as long as they get what they want. If you do not want to do this at any point, you let me know, okay? I don’t want to take you to a mission and risk losing you because you didn’t have a clear head.”
“Why can’t you do the same?” You dared to ask and he looked confused. “You could stop going to these missions too. Clearly this has happened before, and you look distraught. You could hang back too, Yunho-”
“I can’t-”
“I’m sure there are other teams that could go-”
“I really can’t,” Yunho locked eyes with you and you paused. 
He can’t? 
“Why?” You asked and when he remained silent, you knew then.
You knew that he was bound. Just like you, or maybe worse. You were bound to the Crescents and even though they had good intentions, they had promised you hell if you backed off anytime during your stay here. But what was holding Yunho back?
“Then don’t bury it in,” you countered. “I don’t want to go on another mission with you if you don't have a clear head.”
“Look at you ordering me around, Aurora.”
You matched his glare and he ended up looking down, his smile widening. You shared a chuckle as well. “I’m just looking out for myself, Sir.”
“There you go,” he scoffed in amusement. You stared at him for a few moments before you got up and started clearing the table, coming back to pick the cans but Yunho caught your wrist, folding your sleeve up to examine your scar that was still healing from all the scratching you had done before Yunho had bandaged it for you two days ago.
“This better be healed by the end of the week,” he muttered, tracing the skin near the scar from the elbow all the way down. 
“This will heal on its own,” you said. “But how do we heal the scars of our heart, Yunho?”
“I wouldn’t know that,” he barely whispered and it was the most broken you had heard him, or anyone, sound. Your heart ached deeply and with your free, now trembling hand, you touched the side of his face lightly as if to tell him that you didn’t either. That you understood it all too well. He kept staring up at you, his grip on your wrist loosening and you brought that hand up as well as you held his face, taking your time as you caressed the strands of his hair away from his face. You were positive your loud heart could be heard for miles but you didn’t care, not at that moment. 
When you were done shifting some of his hair away from his forehead, you leaned down and kissed his forehead, the first time you had kissed someone in years, the first kiss of affection after the tragic event that took your family’s life. Yunho sighed deeply and when you drew back, you rested your forehead on the top of his head for a moment.
“I know something is eating you up and making you do things you do not want to, but,” you drew back, locking eyes with him. “I want you to know that I’m with you, beside you, wherever you go from here. You’re not alone, Yunho. Don’t lose yourself. You can get through this and I’m here for you whenever you need me, understand?”
There was wonder in his eyes. Wonder and an incredible sadness. He nodded slowly and you smiled slightly, patting his cheek before turning away and picking the cans up, going to throw them in the trash can. Yunho got up, straightening his clothes.
“I- I should get back now.”
You raised a brow at the stutter and noticed his flushed cheeks and ears. “Sure. See you tomorrow.”
Yunho nodded, unmoving for a good few moments before he awkwardly turned to go and almost reached the door when he turned again.
“I might be asking too much but can I have a pack of your gummy bears? I feel like I’ll need them tonight.”
The laugh that left you came from somewhere so deeply buried that even Yunho couldn’t help but join, smiling widely at the sound that filled the room. You nodded and brought him a packet, still recovering.
“You can stop now, you know,” he said, embarrassed.
“I just,” you sighed, chuckling again. “It was so out of the blue, it caught me off guard. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t look sorry, Aurora,” he countered and you laughed a bit harder, putting a hand over your mouth as you waved at him to leave already. He thanked you before leaving, saying he wouldn’t want a madman on his team and you went to your room, your laugh fading with each passing moment until it turned into an unknown feeling so overwhelming that you sat down on the floor, burying your head between your arms and crying silent tears.
—-----------------------
Something between you and Yunho had shifted ever since that night.
You were still Mr. Jeong and Miss Han during work hours, and he was still the same strict boss of your team, however, he had a hint of affection in his eyes whenever he looked at you. Maybe it was from the shared experience from that mission. Maybe it was the way you now knew you had secrets that you kept from each other, only allowing the other to know there was, in fact, something. Maybe it was something about that night when you shared a moment of vulnerability. 
You didn’t know what exactly it was, but it was messing you up and that was not good. You remind yourself every night that you are a Crescent. You answer to the Captain. You’re on a mission, and your goal is to uncover what’s going on in the Medical Research Department through any means necessary.
Involving yourself with Yunho is only a risk, and yet… you couldn’t help but be selfish. You could justify it as a means to get to Medical Research as much as you wanted, but you knew deep down that there was another factor and you could not dismiss it. It didn’t matter, you supposed, as long as nothing was done about it, but Yunho’s words rang in your ears:
“But I’m human too.”
Those words tangled around you like a spider’s web that you couldn’t shake off. They haunted you at night when you tried to sleep. And they were following you like a shadow right now, on your way to meet Seonghwa in the darkest hour of the night, this time in the Cryptography Department’s cafeteria where you could always come up with the excuse of ‘missing the food’ if someone spotted you. 
You sat at the far end of the room, waiting for Seonghwa to come as you opened a pack of gummy bears, already plagued by the memory of Yunho- you seemed to be associating a lot with him these days. Seonghwa entered, silent as a pin and settled across from you.
“I hope you’ve been doing well,” he asked.
“Thriving, really,” you muttered and he raised a brow at that attitude. You cleared your throat.
“All well at home?” You dared to ask.
“Seems so,” he was chewing gum rather loudly. “All well at yours?”
“Seems so.”
“How long till you can get to your goal?”
“If you don’t push some strings, maybe a while,” you thought out loud.
“We don’t have the luxury of time anymore, Aurora.”
You paused. Something had happened. “Then push some strings.”
He glared at you for a few moments before sighing. “Prepare yourself. You’ll be meeting your mentor soon.”
“Got it,” you got up, ready to leave.
“And Aurora?” He called.
“Yeah?”
“Keep your distance from the enemy, will you?”
For a moment, you wanted to scratch at his face and ask him who, exactly, was the enemy here. It was the same in Utopia, the same here- the higher-ups not caring for the lives lost as long as they could get something out of it. And what were they doing to contribute to the war other than add more fuel to the flame? You were starting to question who exactly you were working for. Of course, you were ultimately doing this for Utopia, but you wanted to gut the people who sent you here too. Not the Captain, no- he only trained you. The ones who controlled him, and the ones who controlled them. 
The Captain- he only dared to question them once, and you remember seeing him at his lowest then when they took away something precious from him. You didn’t know what- you didn’t need to either. You could see it- everyone could. And it was the same here, with Yunho. He was just a puppet in this horrible, horrible game.
“I am,” you practically spat, knowing he must have spotted you hanging around with Yunho casually. “And you remember who the enemy is, will you?”
With that, you left the department, feeling like you were being choked and when you entered your department you paused-
Was someone following you?
You turned but there wasn’t a soul in sight. You didn’t dismiss it as just a feeling though. You could never be too careful around here. 
Someone had seen you come from the Cryptography Department, which meant you were being watched. You scoffed to yourself as you went inside your room and resisted the urge to peek out of your window. 
No more meetings with Seonghwa. You were on your own now.
—-------------------------
Things were getting tense at the department, to put it simply.
You were starting to wonder if it was simply because of the information you and Yunho had received that day which was somehow important enough to shift the power balance of the war, or if it was because Yunho had dared to question the higher-ups on their lack of regard for the sacrifices in this war.
You were positive it was the latter- especially with the way Yunho was starting to look so weary. Your seniors were also being harsher on your team, going as far as to cut down on your break hours. Yunho kept looking apologetic which made your suspicions stronger. Nothing seemed to cheer him up anymore.
You were staring at him from across the room, ignoring the pile of documents in front of you as you binged on your usual choice of snack, wondering if you should go ahead and ask just what was going on when a knock sounded and Dr. Choi entered, looking grim.
“Prepare for a group mission- we have to retrieve a person now, so make sure you gear up properly- 2 of you on the field while 3 of you stay back and monitor.”
Yunho looked as confused as the rest and when he got up to ask, Dr. Choi raised her hand. “I just got notified moments ago. Apparently they’re not pleased with what happened on your last mission, though I hardly believe that’s the reason. Just… get it over with and then we’ll speak.”
“Not pleased with what happened on our last mission,” Yunho repeated with a scoff. “All we did was follow orders and stick to protocol.”
You could see the slightest hint of pity in the doctor’s eyes before she sighed. “I know. I’m only obeying orders here too. You’ll be briefed on your way there. You have 20 minutes.”
With that, Dr. Choi exited and Yunho met your eyes. You pursed your lips, shrugging. It seemed like you had no choice. Stuffing the unfinished gummy bears in your pocket, you stood and went to him.
“You and me on the field. Who else are we taking?”
Yunho hesitated for a moment. “I’d rather you stick back as the monitor this time.”
You slumped, bored. “You know I can fight, Sir. Come on, make a decision.”
“I-” he hesitated again and your heart ached as he looked down. You wished you could ask him what the matter was. “I don’t want to see any of you get hurt if things go south.”
“Dr. Choi said two on the field, Yunho, in case you were thinking of going alone this time.”
Yunho raised a brow at the way you called his name and how you knew exactly what he was thinking. He gave in, nodding. “Fine, but you only cover me, okay? No offence.”
“Can’t promise, but okay,” you shrugged and he shook his head, getting up and calling Hani, Jongho and Chris- his most skilled. “You remember the drill, right?”
“Definitely,” Jongho grinned and Yunho seemed to relax a bit after seeing his teammates in better spirits than himself. He set the timer and all of you disappeared in the locker room, getting dressed in the uniform with bulletproof vests underneath. You checked your guns and were about to leave when a knock sounded on the door. You opened it expecting Hani but were surprised to see Yunho instead. 
“Done?” He asked and you nodded. “Can I come inside?”
Your heart sank and you gave him some space to enter in the relatively tiny room. Yunho wasted no time, digging into his pocket and producing a bunch of bullets and placing them in your palm. “This could get me fired or worse, but I need you to take these in case things don’t look good. Hide them on yourself.”
You raised a brow, counting them- 5. “This isn’t official,” you said and he nodded. “And what makes you think I won’t snitch right now?”
The way Yunho simply smiled- almost smirked- told you that there was a reason he needed you on his team. “You can go ahead and do that if you want to.”
Something unspoken passed between you two as you stared at each other and you finally hid the bullets in your inside pocket, making him roll his eyes in amusement before he left. For extra measure, you stocked more on the daggers before following him outside.
You learned on your way that one of the doctors from Medical Research had gone missing a few days ago and was reported to have been sighted in the west in a cabin near the enemy lines. You suspected it was the Crescents again, and to confirm your suspicions you spotted Seonghwa on your way out who saluted mockingly when he met your eyes. You had not expected it to be this soon after your previous mission and you wondered if something had truly gone wrong this time.
During the half an hour drive after which you were to travel on foot, Hani set up the radios and Jongho and Chris prepared to defend the rest in case they were attacked. This time, there were no escorts, no military cars, no soldiers- nothing that would alert the enemy. After reaching the end of the road, you and Yunho stepped out and Hani checked your equipment once again.
“If I lose your signal, I’ll assume you’re in trouble and wait exactly 2 minutes before I send one of them to inspect,” Hani said and Yunho nodded in approval. “If you lose our signal, you should proceed with the mission and come back when you’re done- if we’re under attack, you’ll know- I’ll fire a signal. In that case…”
“In that case, we’ll abort the mission,” Yunho said and Hani shook her head.
“Dr. Choi specifically asked us to retrieve the doctor at all costs. You do know what they mean by that, don’t you?”
“I don’t care what she said,” Yunho countered. “I don’t think we can make it back if you all are under attack anyway.”
Hani pursed her lips, looking at you for help. “Knock some sense into him, will you, Aurora?”
You shrugged. “If you’re under attack, I can come and help. You, Sir, can carry on with your mission- or we could switch these roles.”
Yunho sighed in disbelief. “I can’t believe I’m the one being reminded of protocol.”
Hani grinned. “We all have our times, Yunho. Now get your ass on the field, both of you. I’m starting the clock.”
You whistled at the friendly banter. Yunho checked on his weapons one last time before motioning for you to follow him and you took a moment to run your eyes over the expanse- all dead trees and barren ground. If you squinted, you could see the faint silhouette of the marked border between Utopia and Halaland, with armed officials prowling in the area.
“Aurora?”
Home. So near yet so far away.
“You coming?” Yunho asked and you realised you were still staring in the direction of your homeland. You jogged to him, matching his pace when you fell in step with him, peeking at the map in his hands.
“Are you sure you have a clear head right now, Aurora?” Yunho asked.
“Yeah, sure, I was just… admiring the scenery.”
“Admiring the scenery?” Yunho scoffed, craning his neck to see just what about the scenery was so interesting.
“I was wondering,” you changed the topic. “Why send us to the field to retrieve a doctor? Why not the soldiers?”
“Aren’t we all soldiers, fighting for something?” Yunho mused and you narrowed your eyes at him. “Okay, they usually don’t send the soldiers so the other departments don’t get a whiff of what’s going on in Medical Research.”
“What exactly is going on there?” You asked, finding Yunho with a strange, knowing expression on his face. You gulped. “I’m assuming you know if they sent you?”
“I don’t know either,” he sighed deeply. “I just know there is something. I’ve heard it could help with winning the war. Only the higher-ups know. I’m nobody.”
“Well… that certainly sounds suspicious, but then again, there’s always some secret in every department, I suppose,” you let out a short laugh and he agreed. “So they’re afraid the doctor might snitch? Will they even let him live if we manage to get him back?”
“That is… a very good question. We might be taking him to death’s door if we retrieve him,” he clicked disappointingly. “But we don’t know anything, so we can’t assume and make these decisions. I think the Strategy Department, us, we’re trusted enough to retrieve him. We have the skills, and who would we snitch to anyway? Pretty sure they’d know if there was a spy among us.”
You shrugged and Yunho pointed in the distance, spotting a couple of cabins bordering the town. “That’s our destination. You ready?”
You nodded and walked in silence the rest of the way. When you reached the first cabin, you were about to go around the structure to inspect when Yunho grabbed your wrist.
“You’re only covering, remember?” 
“That’s not how this works-”
“That’s an order,” he insisted, looking slightly amused that only confused you further and you rolled your eyes, snatching your wrist away with a pout that he chuckled at before taking the lead.
With guns out, you went around the first cabin and then inside, finding no signs of life. The second cabin was just as empty and you were inside it now, watching the third from the window when you spotted movement.
“Uh, Sir?” You called and he turned around. “I’m spotting movement in that cabin.”
Yunho urged you to follow him, asking you to go around and stand by the window so the target couldn’t escape- if it was indeed the target. You signalled your team about the cabin. Yunho motioned at you that he was going inside and you provided cover as he unlocked the door-
“No-”
You turned at the strangle of a voice that left Yunho who ran towards the man- the target- who had just swallowed something you were assuming must be a pill, and before you could help them or react, you spotted someone else in the next room and pointed your gun at them.
“Drop your weapons, right now-”
You paused when recognition flashed across the man’s face and your heart sank dangerously. Before you could signal one or the other, the man moved his aim from you to Yunho and prepared to shoot.
Maybe it was instinct or something else that possessed you to take the bullet for Yunho, you mused, as you wondered why the person you had once called friend and had trained with- spared you. Out of familiarity? Out of regard? 
Burning pain overwhelmed every other sense in your body as the bullet lodged into your arm and Yunho was quick to shoot at the man, missing by an inch but probably grazing his leg given how he seethed before hiding. You clenched your eyes shut and opened them, forcing the cloud of pain away. “Save the target, I got him-” 
“No, you’re hurt-”
“I said, save the target.”
Yunho frowned at your tone and you didn’t give him another option as you loaded your gun and started for the room the man had hid himself in- he was at a dead end- this room had no window or other means of exit. You spotted him standing in the corner, gun aimed at you.
“It’s been years-”
You shot at his leg before he could speak further, earning a howl from him. One glance at Yunho to confirm that you got this, you moved towards the man and pressed the muzzle against his forehead.
“What are you doing here? What did you do to the doctor?”
“I was saving him,” he spat on your boot and you clenched your jaw. “You know that.”
You glanced behind and got closer. “Did the Captain send you?”
The man scoffed. “And what if he did? Why are you here?”
“He got me here, in case you forgot,” you seethed. “And he got you in this mess. Remember that.”
“What are you gonna do, huh? Kill your old-”
You heard the familiar footsteps of Yunho and with your eyes closed shut as if that could undo everything you were about to do, you shot your old friend, his body going limp and falling with a thud against the wall. You finally opened your eyes, bending down to shut his eyes with trembling hands.
The footsteps grew closer and you felt a pair of hands on your shoulders. You didn’t care at that moment. You turned to him and said, “Call the team, please. I’ll stay here.”
Yunho nodded, giving you space and leaving the room. With glazed eyes, you placed a hand on your old friend’s cheek, noticing a silver glint around his neck and you dug out what was a necklace with his code name carved on it- KB. You smiled at that, recalling when he had showed you the necklace a few years ago, very proud of it. You searched his pockets but found nothing significant so you just slumped next to him, ignoring the pain in your arm until Yunho came again, having alerted the team.
With his dagger, he cut a piece of his shirt and tied it around your arm where you were still bleeding out. You only stared into the distance, your ears ringing with the sound of the gunshots. When he was done, he patted your arm again.
“Come on, they’re here.”
With a deep sigh, you got up and exited the room, noticing the doctor with foam around his mouth. “Cyanide pill?”
“Seems so,” he said. “I’ll tell you the details later, okay? You should get treated first.”
“Just tell me this was not a waste,” you turned to him, lips quivering. “Tell me all of this was not a waste.”
Pain flashed across his eyes but he nodded. “It was not, trust me. I cannot tell you right now,” he glanced behind him at his team approaching them and you understood. “But I have something. And it’s not for the higher-ups to hear. You understand?”
Somehow, the cloud of pain cleared then. You understood. You looked back at the doctor. “Mind if I check something?”
“Go ahead,” he said and you checked his neck for something similar to a chain. Yunho coughed and you looked at him- he patted his pocket in answer. You nodded and proceeded to check the room, taking anything you thought would prove significant while Jongho and Chris packed the bodies and loaded them in the car- protocol. Proof that you were not lying, though you were pretty sure one of them directly answered the higher-ups and it was not Yunho, which meant-
You almost ran outside and looked into the distance, running your eyes across the expanse and it was then you spotted the tiniest movement in the cabin in front of you.
Eyes. They had eyes and ears everywhere. Both the Crescents and Halaland’s own spies. The question though, was…
Just who had watched everything that had just happened?
—------------------------
You had a few scenarios of how you could get into the Medical Department- either infiltrate with your ‘spy skills’ and risk getting caught, or have Seonghwa pull some strings so you could go for something like an ‘inspection’, or the personal favourite- attack. 
However, you never thought you’d get access simply because you got shot during a mission. 
It was surprising because every department did have their own little emergency room with the basic first aid stuff. It was probably because you had to report, and what place better to report the death of the doctor than the very department he worked in?
“Let her get treated first,” Yunho insisted, “And then we’ll report.”
“We don’t have time to spare, Mr… Jeong, is it?” The middle-aged man with an arrogant look that had to be his staple shrugged. “Besides, it looks like a simple gunshot wound.”
You could feel that Yunho was mentally and physically reaching his limit as he tried to reason with who you recognised was the supervisor of the Medical Research Department- both the restricted and the secret one, the restricted being his cover for the public. You cleared your throat, wanting to get this over with. “I think we can report first- I can hold on for a while-”
“No,” Yunho said with a tone of finality and glared at you first before glaring at the supervisor. “My partner will be treated first and foremost. You, of all people, Dr. Kim, should understand that.”
Dr. Kim groaned before ordering the staff to escort you to the treatment room. You got stitched up after being administered painkillers and you had to stuff a few gummy bears in your mouth for the instant sugar rush or else you were positive you would have fainted. You were just being administered another IV when you heard a very familiar voice. 
“I got this from here, thank you.”
You watched the nurses leave and a familiar blonde come closer, checking on your IV. You almost gasped and he stifled his smile as he checked your vitals. 
“Not how I expected to see you but oh well,” he whispered and you grinned. 
“Not how I planned to get here either,” you said. “It’s so good to see you, Yeosang.”
“Likewise, Aurora,” he smiled before glancing around. “Tell me what happened.”
You briefed him as quickly as you could, handing him the necklace that belonged to KB. He nodded grimly and when you told him about spotting someone who must have been watching you, he nodded in confirmation.
“It’s been a while since Yunho fell out of their good graces. I bet they’re making sure he doesn’t make more mistakes.”
“What did he do?” You asked.
“He tried digging into the secrets of the Research Department after the Utopians were expelled from this centre,” he revealed and you were genuinely impressed and confused. “He had many Utopian friends and some of them disappeared without a trace.”
“Are they messing him up on purpose?” You dared to ask. “First the attack on our previous mission, and now this…”
“That’s not how they mess you up,” Yeosang tsk-ed. “That’s just misfortune. Anyways, your report better match Yunho’s or you’ll be the one who might become their target. And Aurora?”
“Yeah?”
“Stay safe. Remember your motive. Don’t trust the enemy. And… we don’t have much time. You barely have a week before we sign Utopia for a loss it will never recover from.”
Your heart sank yet again and you nodded furiously, understanding the gravity of the situation now that you heard it from someone who worked in the secret lab himself. He was about to leave when you called him and mouthed ‘stay safe’. 
Thankfully, Yunho gave his report in front of your team and all you had to do was follow up with your story, omitting the part where you knew the identity of the man you killed. After signing a few documents, you were allowed to leave and Yunho said he had someone to meet, asking Hani to make sure you go right to your room and rest.
Hani did just that, going as far as to help you take off your clothes so you could wash up while she cooked you some ramen, commenting on the lack of your healthy food choices. You smiled- she was such a mother not just to you but to everyone in your team. She did leave when dinner was ready and you had time to sort your thoughts out, enough time to recall what happened today.
You took a bullet for the enemy.
Could you call Yunho ‘the enemy’? Yunho, the person who cared with all his heart, the person who did serve the enemy, the one who would have taken a bullet for you too just because that is who he was. And Yeosang’s revelations had only confused you further about him- you should have just asked him if Yunho was the enemy.
But perhaps, he was just as confused as you were. Yunho had dared to dig into something so big. What stopped him? You understood that he was brilliant and after losing so many skilled Utopians, they couldn’t afford losing their own. But… what, exactly, made him stop? What did they have over him that was eating him alive because he could do nothing about it? The fact that these unsuccessful missions were simply misfortune (though one was staged) meant that they had something else over Yunho.
What could it be? A secret? Blackmail? Family?
You shut your eyes as you tried recalling his file that you had memorised, just like every other file on the employees of this department-
A knock sounded and you opened your eyes, wondering if your ears were still ringing. But when another knock sounded, this time louder, you got up and hesitantly opened the door-
To reveal Yunho. 
“You look like a mess… Sir,” you scanned him- messy hair, buttons undone, uniform torn from where he had cut it earlier for you, smudges of dirt and possibly blood on his exposed skin. “What brings you here?”
“Just wanted to make sure Hani didn’t kill you on her way here,” he scoffed. “Can I… come in?”
You nodded and he stepped in, awkwardly glancing around and you urged him to take a seat. You offered him dinner but he refused and you wondered if you could insist but handed him a chocolate bar instead and he accepted it, asking you just what happened during the mission.
“I found these,” you put your hand under the sofa and extracted a few pages. “Not sure what they mean but they might make sense to you.”
Yunho finished eating and examined the papers. “Medical terms I’m not quite familiar with. What do you reckon they say?”
“I don’t know, all these terms seem foreign to me,” you admitted- it wasn’t the entire truth. “You have someone who could translate it for us?”
“I’ll think about it. Shall I take these then?”
“Go ahead,” you said and he folded them neatly before putting them in his pocket. “Did the doctor say something before he… died?”
Yunho sighed deeply, rubbing his face. “I asked him why he gave up on his life at the sight of me. It’s my uniform- he recognised it. He only said that he did not want to go back and that he would prefer death.”
“‘Prefer death’,” you repeated. “That’s… something must have happened?”
“Yeah, I don’t know anymore,” Yunho slumped back. “I’m not sure I can investigate either.”
“Why?” You dared ask.
Yunho looked at you. “Do you have something to lose, Aurora?” You shook your head and he smiled. “Then you are very lucky.”
“What will you lose?” Your voice was almost a whisper and he looked down.
“Four years ago when we declared war on Utopia,” he began, “I lost a lot of friends. Some moved. Some went missing. When I tried tracing them, I always found myself at the Medical Research Department. I asked myself- why would someone missing be there when they didn’t have any relationship with the Medical Department whatsoever?”
“Oh, goodness,” you sighed and he nodded.
“I still don’t know why exactly- what exactly is going down there. I don’t know who to trust. When they realised I was digging in, they drafted my brother into the army so they could hold that over me. And after the previous mission, they threatened to place him within the enemy lines, where the war and the bloodshed is the thickest. I suppose they’ll do that now.”
“That’s… inhumane,” you breathed. No matter if Yunho was the enemy, that was still inhumane- to hold family against you. “They’re controlling you.”
“They’re controlling everyone here,” Yunho scoffed. “You cannot trust anyone.”
You raised a brow and he looked at you as if having realised just what he said. He locked eyes with you until you asked the inevitable.
“Do you trust me?”
“I don’t know, Aurora,” his voice was low and he shifted towards you. “You clearly have secrets you keep to yourself. I don’t know why I’m here- maybe I’ve doomed myself tonight.”
His eyes were expectant and they tugged at your heart with their warmth and vulnerability and… trust. Trust without knowing who exactly you were.
And you realised how deeply done you were for him when you found yourself saying, “I trust you. With all of my heart.”
Yunho blinked as if he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Stomach in knots, you leaned forward a bit as you locked eyes with him. “I trust your judgement. I trust your motives, and I wish I could share your burden because I do not like to see you like this. I wish I could be your strength… if you’d allow me to. And I have nothing to lose anyway. I could do this for you-”
Perhaps you had signed yourself for your doom, you wondered, as Yunho grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you, bringing you in for a kiss so urgent as if you were on stolen time. Stomach in pleasurable knots, you leaned forward into the kiss, running your hands through his hair and pushing them away as you kissed him better, tasting the longing and pain in the way his hands cupped your face so delicately, in the way they later traced the outlines of your body-
And made you hiss in pain when they accidentally touched the bandaged spot on your arm. Yunho immediately drew back with concern on his face and you laughed a little when he examined it.
“I’m okay, just… it took me more by surprise, I guess.”
Yunho licked his lips, eyes falling to yours as he caught his breath. He forced himself to look at you. “You shouldn’t have taken the bullet for me, Aurora. Do you know how much it pains me?”
“I know you would have done the same,” you said and he looked away as if he did not want to believe that. “I’m fine. I know what I was doing.”
“I’m sorry-” 
“No,” you cupped his face this time, caressing it lovingly- you couldn’t bear the look in his eyes. “I would do that for you again,” you pecked his lips. “And again,” you kissed his cheek, trailing your lips up the side to plant another kiss on his temple. “And again,” you joined your forehead with his, his large hands going to hold your waist, making you feel so very safe as he buried his face in the crook of your neck, out of breath. You let him have his moment, caressing his head.
“What are we going to do, Aurora?”
“We’ll figure it out,” you kissed his head and he looked up at you. “I’ll make sure those bastards pay for what they did to you, you hear me? That’s a promise, Yunho. And I keep my promises.”
You sealed that promise with a kiss, so slow and sensual this time that it had you both wanting more. You unbuttoned Yunho’s uniform and tossed it on the floor, leaving him in a half-sleeve fitted shirt- oh, how beautiful he was. You traced his shoulders down to his arms and he snaked his hands up your waist, the sensation of his cold hands over your bare skin making you squirm a little which made him laugh, and then he was pulling you in for another kiss, this time as heated as it could be, tongues colliding and bodies rocking against each other in a rhythm that made you one.
You kissed each other for the longest time, affirmations and promises exchanged and then you lay in his arms, tired. You traced the multiple scars on his bare upper body, limbs tangled and breaths mingling as he fell asleep and you stifled in your tears, because-
Because this was love, in its pure and raw form. It took you so long to get here but you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else. You wondered if all that happened was so that you could be right here, in this moment, feeling so complete-
But still, with the guilt of the lies you had said, with the secrets you kept. He was going to find out, and he would hate you, perhaps with all of his heart. But…
You’d keep your promise.
You were going to make Halaland pay for not only what they did to your homeland but what they did to their own. How they broke their own.
You chanted it to yourself along with the beat of Yunho’s heart.
—-------------------
Yunho was right about his brother being drafted to the enemy lines this time. He hated that he was right, but he could do nothing about it-
Or so he thought, because something had indefinitely snapped inside of you. Your hatred for Halaland was not only because of the fact that they took away your home and family, but because they took away the families of the ones who laid their lives for the cause. What for, you wondered? Halaland couldn’t even protect its own. So now, you were hell-bent on doing something about it. 
Each day, you pretended to be serving Halaland with utmost sincerity, urging Yunho to put on the same act. He tried his best and you prayed that it would mislead the superiors and whoever was watching. Every other night, you and Yunho gathered in either of your rooms to discuss whatever you found during the day- stealing from the database (Yunho was quite skilled) or picking information spontaneously (your forte). You’d match your findings but-
Whatever was going on in Medical Research was very, very serious if it was kept this confidential. You always found yourselves at a dead end- anyone you could contact was either still an employee or wiped off the map without a trace. 
So each night, you held Yunho in your arms and assured him that you would make it right for him. You caressed his face and kissed his head in promise, and each night he would ask you why you were doing this for him, just like he asked you tonight.
“Call me ungrateful but I don’t understand why you’re doing this for me, Aurora,” he was tracing the outlines of your face with one finger while you rested in his lap with a thick bundle of files you had been going through since the evening- the information of all the Utopian employees in the Medical Department. “I’d really like to know what the other reason is. You can’t simply be doing this for me.”
“What do you think it is?” You asked absently, reading the data of the person Yunho had pointed out earlier- Song Mingi. One of his oldest friends here who used to oversee some business in Medical Research before he went missing without a trace. The one, Yunho had told you, who made him embark on this journey.
“I don’t know,” Yunho’s arm was a comfortable weight around you and his lips on the bare skin of your neck were welcome. “I’m not sure I want to find out.”
“You’re pretty insistent for someone who doesn’t want to find out,” you mumbled, frowning as you read Song’s supervisor’s name- Dr. Kim- the same doctor who took your reports in your previous missions. “Is it strange that every missing person is somehow connected to Dr. Kim of Research?”
Yunho stopped nuzzling into your neck to look at you and think. “He is the supervisor.”
“That file over there,” you pointed at a file on the floor. “It said that Dr. Kim became the supervisor after every Utopian was expelled. A promotion at such a sensitive time is rather strange, don’t you think, given how ‘saddened’ you all must have been having lost a valuable ally in the war.”
Yunho shifted under you, making you face him, limbs still tangled. “You’re saying the feud must have begun due to something that happened in Medical Research, right?”
“It’s a possibility we should consider,” you planted the seed, knowing very well that it was a fact. “The timing of it all is strange. Do you think we can have someone confirm this fact? Or at least give us a hint?”
“I could ask Dr. Kang, but I’m not sure where his loyalty stands now,” he faltered.
“I mean… if they still haven’t erased him off the map, probably with Halaland?” You said and Yunho chuckled.
“Not that part. We’re all answering to someone. I don’t know if he’s answering to the right person.”
“I think we can trust him,” you offered. “When he trained me, he always insisted I put my ‘moral values’ before any order, no matter who it came from. It always stuck with me.”
“I can see that,” Yunho smiled, caressing the nape of your neck. “It’s probably why I’m here too. You don’t give a shit about rules, do you?”
You shrugged and smiled when he looked a little proud. “I could say the same for you. Do you know how dangerous it is to dig into information again? Haven’t you learned anything from the last time you did it?”
“I can’t let you carry this burden alone, can I?” He asked and you pouted because you’ve had this conversation with him just about a dozen times and he always insisted he do the dirty work and risk getting caught even when he was the one who had something to lose now. Yunho pecked at your pouted lips. “I want you to come with me when I meet Dr. Kang. He could be of help, and if he’s not…”
“If he’s not, all you have to do is say the word and he won’t breathe any part of it to anyone else,” you promised, heart dipping with the lie and he chuckled at your confidence before he kissed you.
His kisses, you were finding, could be soft like feathers when he wanted them to be. And right now, that was it. And these moments always put some hesitancy when you tried returning the sentiments because with each night you spent together like this, you were certain you could never bear being apart from him, never bear if he ever looked at you with hatred in his eyes- when he would eventually find out the truth.
Yunho’s hand cupped your face and tilted it, his hold tighter near your neck. You kissed back, but-
“Why do I always feel like something is holding you back when you’re with me, Aurora?”
You bit your lips as you drew away, finding it incredibly hard to open your eyes and face him but you did.
“The only reason I hold back,” you told him, shifting in his lap so you could face him, “is because I am so, so afraid of losing you, Yunho. I’m so afraid that you’ll hate me one day.”
 “I could never hate you,” his grip on your waist tightened and you looked down, not wanting him to see how vulnerable you were right now. If he pushed the right button, you would spill everything-
“Look at me, Aurora.”
You did and you couldn’t take the look in his eyes- you physically couldn’t, not when you wanted to tell him so much and risk wasting everything you’d built so far, so you kissed his lips with an urgency that told him to shut up for now and just kiss you back and make you feel good, and oh, did he return the sentiment.
“Don’t look at me like that again if you don’t want me to break,” you whispered in his ear.
“What about me, huh?” He stifled a pleasured groan when you rolled your hips on his lap. “Do you want to watch me break?”
You drew away and smiled and Yunho thought it was the most sadistic smile he had ever seen on anyone and it turned him on so bad. He picked you up effortlessly as he stood, making you scream a little and wrap your arms around his neck so you wouldn’t fall, laughing into his shoulder as he placed you on the table, hands on your thighs spreading them apart so he could fit between them as he looked down at you.
“You’re gonna be the death of me,” he said and then he was bringing you flush to his body and kissing you, rolling his hips along yours as you wrapped your legs around him. He wasted no time turning the kiss as heated and frantic as the movements of your body, his hands in your hair and one still on your thigh, thumb playing with the waistband of your shorts. You were lazily running your hands along his upper body and it was driving him crazy-
“Isn’t it about time we take it to bed?” You offered, looking at the clock. “It’s way past your bedtime, Yunho.”
He didn’t miss the suggestive glance and with another sensual kiss where he pulled at your lip, sending butterflies in your stomach, he let his fingers graze dangerously close to the skin between your thighs.
“Not before I have a taste of you right here.”
You shut your eyes in pleasure as warmth coursed through you at those words and you became lost in the bliss as he started trailing his lips down your body. 
Taking it to bed could definitely wait.
—-----------------------
It took you both a few days to perfect the plan to meet Dr. Kang, and you were now wondering if Yunho was turning into you as he started setting the stage so the act could play out effortlessly, so that someone would come and tell him to go to Medical Research for some dealings or strategic planning. And you wondered why Yunho hadn’t done it earlier- he was so good at it that you were a little scared and had started to wonder if he wasn’t who he pretended to be.
Yunho laughed when you asked him that during your break when you two were alone in the cafeteria. “I obviously needed a partner, right?”
You shrugged, not buying it. “You’re doing just fine by yourself. I haven’t done anything.”
“You, Aurora, pointed me in the right direction,” he told you and you looked at him. “I’m simply preparing a ride so we can go there.”
And the ride was arranged in the matter of a few days when Dr. Choi herself assigned you and Yunho, the most skilled strategists in the department, to help sketch plans for the future course of the war and Halaland’s stance. Yunho asked Dr. Choi why they were doing the planning in the Medical Department- was it to plan the placement of medical camps? Dr. Choi answered that she believed so, but even she sounded unconvinced. So, together with Yunho, you were finally going to the Medical Research Department officially. 
What you hadn’t expected was to be escorted to a storage room at the end of the Medical Research section and to be confronted by the same Dr. Kim who was pretty much in your blacklist now. 
“Your seniors swear you’re the smartest of the bunch so I’m going to trust them and have you sign this non-disclosure agreement,” he began, keeping it simple. You and Yunho met eyes in confusion. “I’ll tell you the details after you have signed.”
When Yunho didn’t move, Dr. Kim scoffed. “Your old friend Kang swears you’re the best strategists, both of you, so I took his word for it. Want me to call him?”
“No, I think we’re good,” Yunho said. “I just need to look at the clauses before I sign. Can I have a moment?”
“Sure,” Dr. Kim relaxed back in his seat and Yunho tapped at your arm in question. You nodded- if Yeosang had really been the one who pulled the strings, you weren’t going to complain. In fact, even if he wasn’t, this was your chance to see just what was cooking here. Yunho seemed to understand that and you both read through the terms and signed.
“Very well,” Dr. Kim got up, taking the documents. “You’re being led to Level 0 of Medical Research- the lab only the selected few know about.” 
Your heart sank in nervousness- this was it. Dr. Kim led you to the stairs and continued. “We’ve recently made a breakthrough and we think it’s about time that we get some input from the strategists. The war could end within days now, do you understand?”
Yunho looked as surprised as you had expected. Dr. Kim unlocked the door and immediately, you were hit with the stench of strong chemicals and cleaning alcohol. Dr. Kim asked you two to wait while he went inside a lab and you turned to Yunho.
“Listen to me- no matter what you see today, you do not react, understand?” You said, realising fully well that you were risking your identity. “Even if you see a familiar face or something inhumane, you play along and make the decisions they would like to hear. You cannot play the hero right now, okay?”
Yunho looked genuinely confused now but he understood that there was a high chance something immoral was going on here. “I’ll try.”
“You will, for your brother,” you whispered. “And I will too. For you.”
He squeezed your hand in assurance and before he could say anything else, Dr. Kim was back. “Follow me.”
—--------------------------
You two had just gotten back to your room from Level 0 of Medical Research, and you were staring at the walls as you tried to make sense of the horrors you had seen.
You were pretty sure it was as much of a blur to Yunho as it was for you- if you tried replaying it in your head, you recalled going inside and Dr. Kim explaining the background of how they got here, but then he led you inside and showed you-
A human experiment.
A man not much older than you, tied to the bed with steel chains as if he could break them apart. What was more surprising was that Dr. Kim confirmed he very well could. He was in a confined space and you watched through the glass.
“This seems to be our first successful prototype. Since a decade, we have been playing with the idea of a specialised human army- better strength, better skills. Quicker reflexes and better impulses. Utopia was our ally back then, and we usually discussed it as a fantasy until one of our doctors made a breakthrough in his research and created a drug he thought could do something similar.”
“So Utopia is doing the same as us?” You had asked casually, putting a hand on Yunho’s back and caressing once to assure him you were playing along.
“The whole reason Utopia and Halaland fell apart was disagreement on this- they have better morals, I’ll give them that,” Dr. Kim chuckled loudly and Yunho seemed visibly uncomfortable but passed a weak smile. “They changed sides. We continued to test our drugs, but we fell back- most of our skilled doctors had been Utopian. We lost many, hence the slow progress.”
“But now- you seem to have succeeded?” Yunho said.
“We’ve almost finished the testing period with this one,” he motioned at the man who seemed to be sleeping right now, looking very normal. “If the trial is successful, we’ll use the drug for others.”
“If you don’t mind me asking,” Yunho cleared his throat. “Where or who exactly are the others?”
Everything after that was a blur- Dr. Kim had revealed that there were only a few volunteers for this programme right now but they had a few Utopian employees and soldiers they had detained over the past few years. He had asked for strategic advice and you had set the trap for him- if, in case you lost the mission to expose them and they went ahead with their human army, you wanted them at the western front first- you knew Utopia would have something up their sleeve too- but Utopia would never stoop so low. 
Yunho had done his best to play along. You two spent a few hours in that department, even met Dr. Kang who Dr. Kim claimed was one of the researchers for this programme and when you finally got to leave, Yunho followed you to your room.
You turned to him, still not believing what you had seen. “Is this real?”
“I don’t know anymore,” Yunho took a deep breath, hiding his face in his hands. “I’m surprised I didn’t throw up at Dr. Kim’s feet.”
“Glad you didn’t,” you muttered. “What are we going to do, Yunho?”
“I honestly don’t know anymore, Aurora. I now know why my brother is fighting at the enemy lines- so I have no choice but to participate in this… massacre. Massacre of lives is what this is, Aurora. It disgusts me how they’re handling humans there- aren’t they humans themselves?”
“They’re not,” you almost whispered. 
“I don’t know how many unfortunate souls have been wasted because the trial failed. That drug is basically a human-control drug. It could cause so much destruction in the war. What’s the point of winning now, though?” He scoffed, shaking his head. “I understand now, why the doctor we went to retrieve didn’t want to go back- death is a better option than becoming a human lab rat.”
“Can’t we expose them?” You wondered out loud. “I don’t know- even to the enemy?” You looked at Yunho but the guarded look in his eyes- he had to think of his brother too. “I could do that, Yunho. I have nothing to lose- you can play along while I expose them and end this inhumanity-”
“You won’t do it alone,” Yunho shook his head furiously. “I won’t let you do it alone.”
“You have your brother, Yunho-”
“And you,” he turned to you and you almost cried, overwhelmed. “I can’t risk losing you too.”
“And I can’t risk losing you, either, please,” you joined your hands and rested your forehead against them. “Please let me do it alone.”
“What are you not telling me, Aurora?”
You looked at him, finding a knowing look in his eyes. You shook your head and he sighed. “You still can’t tell me?”
“Not yet,” you finally muttered and he nodded, planting a kiss on your forehead and you let the tears fall, realising this might be the last moment Yunho would look at you with such love. 
“Why do you cry, love?”
You only hid your face in his lap and he held you as you cried silent tears, caressing your head through it all. When you stopped, he made you look at him as he wiped your face.
“I don’t know why you don’t believe me, I don’t know what you’ve done or at this point, who you are, but I know you’re not as bad as you make yourself to be,” he had the gentlest smile on his face as he ran a thumb over your lips, locking eyes with you. “And I could never hate you, because you’ve saved me so many times now. You don’t even know how.”
“I’m sorry,” you almost whispered and he shook his head, leaning in to kiss you deeply and you responded eagerly. When he broke back, he joined his forehead with yours. 
“No matter where we go from here, I love you, Aurora. That’s the reason why I won’t let you do this alone, and I would hate it if you put yourself in a situation where you get hurt and I lose you forever, do you understand?”
You smiled at that, wrapping your arms around his neck and hugging him good and tight. “And I love you, Yunho. That is why I’ll still insist that I have to do it alone- because I can’t bear to lose more people.”
“This argument will never end at this rate,” Yunho laughed as he rocked you back and forth. You drew back, pushing his hair away.”
“I know one way it will,” you suggested and he immediately understood, attacking you with an urgent kiss, making you arch into it and soon, he was on top of you on the couch, taking off layer after layer of your clothes, of the mask you wore around him, until you were bare. Until you wished he would call your real name when he kissed every inch of your body and murmured sweet nothings. Until you broke in every way possible, wondering how you could ever recover from this.
You had to do this alone.
—---------------------------
“You’re always alone. And you always will be.”
When the Captain had said those words, you had wanted to tell him he was wrong. Yes, that was the loneliest period of your life, but even then you had a few people who were with you. You had simply nodded and let him believe his words were wrapping around your heart.
However, now that Yunho held Kang Yeosang at gunpoint and looked at you with absolute hatred in his eyes, you couldn’t help but think back to that moment. You could practically feel the Captain’s hands on your shoulders as he whispered it in your ears-
“You’re always alone. And you always will be.”
Before you knew it, you were pointing a gun at Yunho’s head too and Yeosang stopped struggling in his grasp as he looked at you in surprise.
“We don’t have to do this, Yunho,” you said and even though your tone was harsh, your voice still quivered a bit.
“We really don’t, Aurora,” he said, tightening his hold on Yeosang. “I don’t know who you are anymore or why you’re doing this, but I can’t let you take these people.”
Everything had gone horribly wrong tonight. Seonghwa had provided you with the big plan- a distraction that would give you and him enough time to vacate Level 0 with the people trapped in there. Yeosang and Dr. Seo Yuna- a Halaland native who strongly opposed the idea of human experiments- were on duty tonight so all they had to do was sneak you in and show you the emergency exit. It led to a restricted parking area where Seonghwa would be waiting with an ambulance-
An ambulance because the Medical Department would be set on fire tonight. Dr. Kang and Dr. Seo were trained just like the other doctors in Level 0 on the evacuation process in case of an emergency. What the higher-ups wouldn’t expect would be everyone in Level 0 disappearing without a trace. Level 0 and all its data would turn to ashes tonight.
The plan was seamless, however, Yunho’s presence was something you didn’t expect and it caught you off guard when he arrived at the basement. He spotted you transferring his old friend, Song Mingi, on a stretcher and ran towards him, making you freeze momentarily as he examined his state.
“What happened?” Yunho asked you.
“Do you… recognise him?” You were going to play dumb for as long as you could. 
“That’s Mingi- my old friend,” he sounded broken as he brushed the hair off Mingi’s face, finding him all ragged and pale. “What are you doing here, Aurora?”
You glanced around- Dr. Kang and Dr. Seo were not present. You turned to Yunho. “You can’t be here- I was assigned to help evacuate the members of Level 0 because of the fire. Nobody assigned you, as far as I know.”
“And who assigned you?” His gaze was hard and you bit your lips, about to make up an answer when you heard footsteps behind you and saw Yeosang appear from the tunnel, look at you both and take out his gun to point at Yunho, who scoffed in disbelief.
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave- you cannot be here,” Yeosang drew closer and for the first time, you couldn’t make a quick decision, only glanced back and forth like a confused child. 
“Why is my presence such a big problem here?” Yunho straightened, gazing at both of his friends long and hard. “I’m authorised with access here, just like Aurora, am I not?”
Yeosang glanced at you and your reflexes kicked in- you knew that look. He was going to shoot Yunho. When his hand shifted on the trigger, you immediately grabbed a tray and threw it at Yeosang, making Yunho duck as he shot. Yeosang gaped at you and you ran towards him but he pointed his gun at you, making you raise your hands.
“Please, Yeosang, not him,” you begged. “He can help- just listen to me-”
“The Captain only allowed you to save his brother,” he whispered. “He said nothing about Yunho.”
You were about to protest when Yunho pushed you to the side- you didn’t even hear him coming this time. He was on Yeosang in a second, startling him and wrestling him until he was in his grasp and Yunho had him at gunpoint.
And so here you stood, pointing your gun at him. You caught your breath and shut your eyes when the tears started to sting. When you opened them, you spoke. “You have two choices, Yunho. You can either let me go and meet your brother at the same cabin the doctor died that day, or you can kill me right now and lose everything you love.”
“I’ve already lost everything I love,” his voice was strangled and you shook your head in denial. 
“You can save your brother,” you pleaded. “Please.”
“Where are you taking them?” He asked.
“I can’t tell you that,” you shook your head, knowing what it would cost you if you told Yunho everything right now- not only your life but Yunho’s as well.
“Is this who you are, Aurora?” Yunho scoffed. “A true Halaland loyal?”
You didn’t respond though his words felt like a stab. “You have 10 seconds to make a decision.”
The sound of those seconds being ticked off echoed within all of you and at the 9th second when you were about to pull the trigger, Yunho let go of Yeosang and you exhaled in relief, but it died down when his eyes met yours, full of betrayal. Hatred. Confusion. And so, so much anger.
“It’s funny, now that I think about it,” Yunho pushed his hair back. “All those times we interacted. Your sole purpose was to use me to get here, wasn’t it?”
This time, the tears did leave your eyes. Yeosang shook his head and asked Yunho to exit the premises and go through the emergency exit unnoticed if he wanted to save his brother. Yunho passed you a sad smile before he left and you sank down to your knees, fisting the ends of your shirt and screaming your heart out. Yeosang patted your back once before muttering that you had already lost precious time. 
You helped transport the members in a daze. When you set fire to the lab, you didn’t feel one ounce of regret. You told yourself you would set a similar fire some day and burn your feelings for Yunho as well. 
But tonight? Tonight you would let them consume you and drive you mad. Only tonight.
So when you spotted the Captain in an abandoned building that you were going to use until you could go back to Utopia, the cracks of dawn illuminating the ruins, you didn’t bow like you would have. You ran to him instead and hit his chest with your fists repeatedly, crying and screaming, not caring who witnessed the moment. The Captain made no move to stop you, raising a hand to stop Seonghwa instead who was pulling out his gun. He let you have your moment until you were tired and rested your head against his shoulder, crying your heart out.
“Who broke you, Aurora? Who melted that ice-cold heart of yours?”
“I hate you for doing this to me,” you cried and he tsk-ed. “I won’t forgive you.”
“I told you, Aurora,” he held you by your shoulders and you looked at him- hair styled an odd way- half bleached and half natural. It made him look fiercer than ever. “I told you that you will always be alone in this field. It is your weakness that led you here. You can blame me all you want, but it’s on you.”
“Just tell me it’s over,” you said, feeling drained. “Tell me my job is done.”
“It is,” he nodded. “When we go back to Utopia… you’re a free bird if you choose to be.”
You looked beside you at Seonghwa and Yeosang, shaking your head. “I’m going to head inside first then.”
—----------------------
Yunho didn’t know what he was expecting when he broke into the cabin, but his brother laughing with someone else looking unscathed and free just wasn’t it. 
He frowned in confusion. “Gunho?” 
Gunho gasped audibly before rushing to hug his brother and Yunho almost cried in relief. Gunho looked at him. “You’re finally here!”
“Were you waiting for me?” Yunho scanned him, making sure he was okay.
“Of course I was,” he patted his arm, drawing back. “Wooyoung here was kind enough to get me- he won’t tell me who he is but apparently he holds the authority to discharge me from the army. I’m free now.”
“No way,” Yunho breathed, looking gratefully at Wooyoung who shook his head.
“I was simply doing my job.”
“Who assigned you?” Yunho dared to ask.
“I think you know that already,” Wooyoung winked, getting up and straightening his army uniform. “I’ll be taking my leave now. My last message for you is ‘don’t go back’. Oh, and I have something else-”
Wooyoung dug in his pocket and produced four bullets, placing them in Yunho’s extended palm. Yunho recognised the bullets- the one he���d given Aurora, but-
“There should be one more?”
“She kept one,” Wooyoung smiled knowingly.
Yunho sighed deeply. “Tell me where to find her- or someone who can give me answers.
Wooyoung considered for a moment- he had seen the way Aurora had nearly broken when she begged him to save someone she knew nothing about except the name. And the fact that this person was here and still looked sceptical…
Wooyoung took out a piece of paper and pencil and scribbled an address. “Seven days from now, you can find us here. I don’t know if Aurora will still be there by that time.”
“What do you mean?” Yunho asked.
“We’re going back home, Yunho,” Wooyoung smiled. “The war is ending soon. There will be no victory, simply a treaty.”
“Home?” Yunho couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Wooyoung simply saluted mockingly before exiting the cabin.
—---------------------
The past week, Yunho had replayed every moment since Aurora came into his life. Every single time he had seen her, had interacted with her or heard about her from someone else.
He realised he had been blind. The answer was so painfully obvious- Aurora wasn’t from Halaland at all. He was pretty sure her name wasn’t Aurora as well. 
She was a spy, he knew. And now that he thought about it, she hadn’t really done much to hide it- at least not in front of him. From always staring towards the west, not at the setting sun but towards her homeland, to almost cracking Utopia’s code so easily- he wondered if she was the mastermind behind the code. The way she questioned every move Halaland made, the way she put a distance between them-
Every night, he held the four bullets in his hands and wondered why she kept the fifth one. It made him so, so restless.
And every night, Yunho always ended his train of thoughts with the same question every night-
Did she actually love him, or was all of it to get to Medical Research?
Was he simply a rung on the ladder to get to her goal? Or was he not meant to be part of the equation at all, a mistake on her part?
Yunho didn’t realise how long he simply stood in front of the cottage until someone creeped up behind him, patting his back and scaring him a little. It was Seonghwa- yet another surprise.
Just how many people in the Halazia Research Facility were spies? Were they only Utopians or were they from other nations as well?
“I almost killed you because I didn’t recognise you,” Seonghwa lit a cigarette, offering him one but Yunho declined. “So you’re finally here.”
“What do you mean ‘finally here’?” Yunho asked. “Were you expecting me?”
“We placed bets- don’t tell Aurora,” Seonghwa snickered. “Yeosang owes me 10 now.”
She was still here.
“Where is she?” Yunho gulped.
“Not so quick, mate,” Seonghwa scanned him. “You’ve been travelling quite a bit, haven’t you?”
“Have you been spying on me?” Yunho scoffed.
“Weren’t you looking for a place to keep your brother safe?” Seonghwa simply said. “Have you found one?”
“Not yet,” Yunho admitted. 
“You could come with us, you know.”
Yunho considered that. “I don’t know who ‘us’ is. I can’t blindly follow you to god knows where.”
“Well then, I guess you should meet the Captain. He specifically asked me to bring you to him if you came. He’s quite interested in seeing the face of the person who broke his dear Aurora’s heart.”
Yunho raised a brow though his heart sank at his admission. “Where is she, Seonghwa?”
“Out on a mission- she’ll be back by dawn,” Seonghwa urged him to follow him inside and took him to a room where Yunho spotted a man with unique hair standing by the fire. Seonghwa knocked on the door and he turned.
“This is Jeong Yunho.”
“This is him?” the man scoffed as he came forward, a cane in his hand that Yunho wasn’t entirely sure was for mobility purposes. Probably a weapon. “I expected something else- I don’t know. I can’t believe this is the face that melted her frozen heart.”
“And who are you?” Yunho countered, watching Seonghwa take his leave. The man motioned for him to take a seat and Yunho did after a moment of hesitation. The man followed, sitting in front of him.
“They call me the Captain around here. Captain of the Crescents- a group of spies who were born for the sole purpose of taking revenge on Halaland after they betrayed us. Betrayed Utopia.”
Yunho let that sink in. “What revenge?”
“I think you know that already,” the Captain sighed. “Honestly, when I learned that Aurora had told you more than you should have known, considering you don’t have an ounce of Utopian blood in you, I was ready to kill both her and you. But, that brat…” he scoffed in amusement. “She got on her knees for you, Jeong. Do you have any idea what that means?”
Yunho looked blank so he continued. “Aurora is one of the best spies I’ve known in my life. I had to break her to make her bend. But you… what did you do? What sweet things did you mutter to turn my strongest spy into such a hopeless mess? All these years of training her into becoming a cold-hearted thinker and assassin, and she melts because apparently you looked, really looked at her with those eyes of yours.”
Yunho looked down, each word hammering a nail in his head. “If she had told me… I would have joined her. I was never in favour of Halaland’s unethical methods, and after I discovered what was really going on…”
“If she told you, you would have exposed her. She understood that, because she would have done the same. You’re only human, after all,” the Captain twirled the cane in his hands. “Why are you here today?”
“To get answers,” Yunho replied. 
“You’ve got your answers now, haven’t you? Scoot off, then,” he relaxed back, glaring at Yunho.
“Who are you, really?” Yunho asked. “How come you knew about the Medical Research Department?”
The Captain’s smirk fell and he looked wistfully into the fire. “Because I’m one of the masterminds behind Level 0, and to this day, I regret being a part of it.”
Yunho was positive his heart actually dropped to his feet. “You’re a Utopian?”
“The only Utopian who escaped at the right time before they turned against us and stole our ideas,” the Captain looked at Yunho. “Kim Hongjoong, in flesh and blood.”
“Kim Hongjoong is dead,” Yunho couldn’t believe his ears. “We held a funeral for you.”
“A good cover up by Halaland, I’ll give them that,” he shrugged. “They needed to do that to take over and turn on Utopia- they’ve been on my tail ever since. I wasn’t sure if they had the brains to continue with the experimentation- testing on humans was never my idea either. It’s why I sent Aurora to finish this once and for all. We’ve met with your higher-ups and we’ve agreed to not expose their dirty deeds if they end this nonsensical war. The official end of the war will be announced soon.”
Yunho definitely felt something like a heavy burden lifted from his shoulders at the revelation. “And where are the members of Level 0?”
“The ones who were actually doing the dirty deeds will be secretly tried in court. The ones who were spies, like Yeosang… they’re going home. I understand you had a few friends there? Mingi, for instance? He was my closest junior- he’s in the next room if you wish to see him.”
Yunho nodded, letting all of this digest before he got up. “Thank you for what you did- I’m not sure I quite understand the gravity of it yet- it’s too much to process right now, but… thank you.”
“No need to thank me, I did what I had to,” Hongjoong looked at him, an unspoken agreement shared.
He needed to thank Aurora.
He needed to see Aurora.
Yunho spent the most part of the night with Mingi, catching up and confirming the facts, learning that the ‘lab rats’ were now being treated by the doctors and realising how brutally his people had treated even their own. His heart felt tight in his chest by the time he was done chatting with him and he went outside for some fresh air.
And a few minutes later, spotted two figures walking towards the cottage.
He could recognise you even from your silhouette, and he thought it was crazy that he did. He recognised the exact moment you saw him and paused for a mere fraction of a second before continuing to move like nothing had happened. He knew your mannerisms, he knew you inside out, and yet-
He knew nothing about you.
He didn’t even know your name.
This time when you met eyes, he waved awkwardly at you and you felt your heart sink again. You wanted to scream at him, shout at him, but you were far too tired. Your companion took leave, disappearing inside and you walked slowly but surely to Yunho.
“You’re here.”
Yunho passed a tight-lipped smile, wondering where to begin. He scanned you as you took off your mask and hat, looking-
Fatigued. 
“Are you- have you been well?” Yunho asked, hating how he sounded.
You shrugged. “Did you meet your brother?”
“Yes. He’s safe now…” Yunho took a step forward but you backed away and he paused, muttering a ‘sorry’.
“Well, I guess that’s it, then?” You began, looking up and scanning him- you had no idea where he had been the past week but he looked the most weary. “You heard everything, I’m assuming?”
Yunho nodded. “I should have seen it earlier. You didn’t really hide it from me, did you?”
A faintest hint of a smile crawled to your lips. “You don’t always see what’s in front of your eyes, Yunho.”
Yunho’s heart tugged at the way you called his name. “What are we going to do, Aurora?”
You passed a weak smile. “I don’t know. All I know is that I’m going back. I cannot spend one day longer in this wicked, wicked land.”
Yunho felt the jab good and well. “I’m sorry for what it took from you.”
“Are you?” You sighed when hurt flashed across his eyes. “I’m not even mad at you, Yunho. I’m just… disappointed in myself. I’m disappointed that my love didn’t seem real enough- that you doubted my intentions so quickly.”
“And wouldn’t you have done the same?” Yunho challenged. “If I turned my back on you? Wouldn’t you have questioned every moment that we shared?”
“Maybe not-”
“You could have told me, Aurora,” Yunho almost yelled in frustration but clenched his eyes shut to reel himself in. “All you had to do was trust me. You didn’t trust me enough to tell me who you were. I keep calling you Aurora but that’s not even your name.”
You felt the very familiar sting in your eyes. “I had people to protect.”
“And so did I,” Yunho’s gaze was hard. “And I had you to protect. I would have laid my life down for you, if only you had allowed me to.”
You turned away, wiping your eyes. “I couldn’t allow that.”
“So we’re even then, aren’t we?” Yunho’s voice was also quivering and you dared to glance at him. “Please… look at me.”
You did and this time when he stepped towards you, you didn’t back away. He put his hands on your shoulders, rubbing them just like he used to. “Tell me your name.”
You passed him a sad smile as you told him your name, buried somewhere so deep inside you, uncalled for years. He said it twice, testing it on his lips. It felt right.
“Y/n,” he smiled widely and you laughed through the tears. “I want to know who that is. I want to learn about you again, if you’ll let me. If you forgive me for doubting you and for being an asshole-”
“No,” you shook your head furiously. “You gave me so much, Yunho, and I returned nothing in comparison. I would have lost myself there if it weren’t for your presence always grounding me, even when we were as good as strangers. I- you gave me love when I thought I’d never find it again, when it had become a foreign concept to me.”
“Do you love me still, y/n?” He asked, his eyes expectant.
“I do, you fool,” you laughed, finally earning the grin you so loved to see. “I hope you don’t hate me.”
“How could I?” Yunho’s hand shook slightly as he cupped your face and you leaned into his touch. His gaze was so strong as he caressed the angles of your face- you were positive your knees were actually turning weak and perhaps they were, that’s why his other hand travelled to your waist to bring you closer. “How could I hate you when you look at me like this? Like you could break me? Like you’d break in my touch too?”
He planted a kiss on your forehead, lingering there and you breathed in the scent of him- the scent that was your home now. Yunho didn’t waste any more time, leaning in and capturing your lips in a kiss that absolutely shattered you the way it was so cautious yet so, so demanding. You brought your arms to wrap around his neck, standing on your tiptoes with your body flush against him as you kissed back, deeper, making him loosen up with every movement until you were simply making out, exchanging all the feelings too deeply buried, all the words unspoken, all the apologies and the promises.
“I missed you so, so much, y/n,” Yunho breathed against your lips when you broke apart for breath, tugging at your lower lip with his teeth that made you dig your nails into his skin. He pecked your lips again. “You have no idea.”
“I do,” you kissed him. “I know all too well.”
Yunho drew apart, tucking your hair behind your ears as he gazed at you lovingly. “Take me with you this time, will you?”
“You want to come with me to Utopia?” You raised a brow.
“I mean… all my friends will be there,” he glanced back at the cottage and you understood who he meant. “Besides… I’m quite sick of Halaland too. Pretty sure they have a wanted poster back in the facility for me.”
You laughed at that. “Basically you want to come with me because you’re dead meat here.”
“I’m dead meat anywhere if I’m not with you-”
“Stop!” You put your hands over your ears, laughing as you ran away because his goofy side was back and he went after you, making you squeal.
Hongjoong and Seonghwa stood watching from the window upstairs. Hongjoong tsk-ed. “An absolutely disgusting sight, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely,” Seonghwa clinked his drink with Hongjoong’s and they both cursed under their breaths as they drank-
To love. To victory.
To going back home.
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loverickyys · 6 months ago
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. ݁𖦹₊ ⊹ Professor Hanbin!
minors dni (answering an ask by anon, can't include it unfortunately!)
- frankly speaking you were not a bad student. always able to keep up with the burden of assignments in uni but it all changed when your psychology professor had to leave mid semester, a younger professor coming in to substitute him.
- you never thought the new professor will turn out to be so hot that from being a top scorer your grades will plummet so badly, all due to him of course.
- don't get it wrong, hanbin is a great teacher. he listens well, he never discourages anyone, helping everyone around with his ever pure and angelic smile. in your eyes he is literally an epitome of gorgeous.
- and that's where the problem starts. he is so hot and pretty that all you can do is stare at awe, blushing when he smiles back at you so beautifully or your stomach exploding in butterflies when he bends down slightly against you to help you with a question.
- no wonder all you think about before, during and after his class is him. your head is filled with him. hanbin, hanbin, hanbin cluttering in your mind even at a glance of him.
- exam season comes and you fail badly. (who else can be blamed other than your sexy professor of course). while distributing the results hanbin's eyebrows furrow with disappointment as he asks you to stay back after the class to have a chat. the sadness from the awful result already vanishing as your heart beats with excitement getting to spend some time alone with him.
- "i wouldn't lie to you. i am pretty disappointed, you were among the top students earlier the semester. makes me wonder if my teaching methods are not helpful to you. do you need any help, you can always ask me." hanbin sighs, leaning back on his desk with you standing in front of him. the class is empty and only the soft music he plays during the sessions can be heard in the background. he looks displeased and confused, staring at you for some reason.
- you look in his deep black eyes. he is looking even sexier today, wearing a white shirt, left unbuttoned to show his tattoos, brown trousers that fit make his thighs look delectable and glasses sitting at the bridge of his nose.
- "it's not my fault professor, you are always distracting me." you smile a little, a weird confidence overtaking you (probably directed by the horniness you feel looking at him) as you stand up straighter coming on his eye level. hand moving slowly to pop open a button of your pink blouse to show some cleavage.
- hanbin gulps slightly seeing your movements, eyes not so shyly going to your boobs. "i am not sure what you mean by that. and if it's what i am thinking it is, i'll have to say that is highly inappropriate of you." he tries to fight back. he has now rolled up the sleeves oh shirt, hand flying to open another of his shirt's button as if to mimic your actions.
- you know he is clearly not backing away. pushing yourself more you lean towards him, palm coming in contact with his chest, your index finger tracing the lines of his tattoo. "and what are you going to do hanbin, report me? you want this too, accept it."
- there is a glint of surprise in hanbin's eyes but he regains his composure almost immediately. smirking as he grabs your chin pulling you closer, lips inches away from you. his arm wraps strongly around your waist, trapping you in his hold. "what do you want? just say it" he scoffs and let's go of you leaving you a little frustrated with the want to connect your lips together and taste him. your thighs rub uncomfortably, panties sticking due to how wet it feels underneath your white skirt.
- "i want you to pass me in this exam" you cross your hands across your chest. hanbin chuckles darkly, eyes now filled with lust. "and why would I do love?" he smiles at you, taking off his glasses and putting them on the desk. "because if you do i'll let you use me as your personal cumslut, professor"
- he doesn't need to be told twice, picking you up immediately, nails digging in your thighs as you yelp and hold on to his shoulders. he throws you on his desk not caring about the mess he is making. "you really shouldn't be talking like that you know?" he grabs you by the neck pulling you in for a messy and rough kiss, tongue sliding in your mouth instantly. your hands tug at his hair pulling him closer and closer while his pry your legs open, now standing between them.
- you let go to catch your breath, a string of saliva between you both as hanbin attaches his lips to your neck, nibbling and sucking harshly. you moan at the sensation and feel one of his hands sneakingly going inside your skirt and underwear. his fingers excitedly rub circles at your clothed core and he slips his index inside your hole, hooking it up and teasing your sweet spot. "fuck i- hanbin i-" you groan out as he fingers you slowly. "cat got your tongue now huh?" he teases you adding another finger.
- the way his fingers move in and out of you and the added pleasure of his mouth marking your neck and collarbone has you cumming in no time. he helps you ride the orgasm, cooing at how pretty you look practically screaming his name. he pulls out his fingers to pop them in his mouth, groaning in satisfaction at your taste before taking them out and pushing them in your mouth for you to suck on.
- you suck on his fingers delicately then instantly drop on you knees to return the favor. looking up at hanbin as he stares at you with pure lust and awe in his eyes. "let me help you professor" you give him an innocent smile and unzip his trousers. there is a patch on his boxers, cock begging to be freed from its confinements. you palm him gently as he grabs your hand. "don't be a tease now love" he says and you follow his orders, pulling his boxers down with the trousers. cock slapping at his stomach, tip red leaking with precum. it looks pretty just like he does all the time. your mouth waters as you lick a big stripe from the top to the bottom of his cock, sucking the tip lightly.
- hanbin grunts when you take him fully, mouth wrapped around him and hands playing with his balls. your tongue swirls around his cock, loving his taste. "you are such a whore, aren't you love" he groans in pleasure fingers tugging your head as he starts to fuck your mouth. you moan around him, the degradation making you rub your thighs together. you take whatever he gives you, now speeding up as tears well in your eyes, spit gathering at your chin.
- hanbin cums with a low groan, eyes blown, shirt all messed up, not letting your mouth leave his cock for one bit. when he is done he lets go off your hair and pulls you back. you still sit on the floor diligently, opening your mouth to show him you have swallowed everything. he smiles, his whisper dimples showing at his cheeks, "such a good girl, my little cumslut. consider your grades up love." you smile back at him, never been more satisfied.
(Had to repost because my account likes to get on my nerves sometimes :)
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fangsandfeels · 1 year ago
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I still can't get over the fact of how supportive Jaheira is to Astarion, to the point of calling people who consider vampires merciless and power-hungry ignorant when he chooses not to ascend. It could have been part of the same rewrite Saarevok and Viconia went through, but I know that's not the case since everyone loves to have Jaheira back, which means writers nailed her character and personality.
Why am I so fascinated by it?
Now, I know very little about Baldur's Gate 2, I admit, so feel free to correct me, but there was one vampire companion in the enhanced edition - Hexxat. Unlike Astarion, she was a full vampire. Like, Astarion, she too stated that everything she did was for her own survival and never failed to mention that she was merely a victim of unfortunate circumstances.
According to her dialogue, she never stirred conflicts: she was polite, reserved, respectful, loyal, and didn't mock or belittle any good-aligned characters.
Meanwhile, the said characters hated her guts. To the point that they would either literally attack her (Aerie, Anomen, Mazzy, Keldorn, Valygar) if they walked together for too long or demand the MC to kick her out of the group - just for being an abomination. Jan was the only companion who, among general distrust for vampires, had a very personal reason to hate Hexxat (she lured and killed his niece). But others just hated her for being undead. Among them, Jaheira and Minsc were the least aggressive in regard to her, yet remained on high alert around her.
But then came the resolution of Hexxat's personal quest...
...where it turned out that all that time, she was trying to find a way to stop being a vampire. To go back to her human form. Yes, even if that meant she would literally crumble to dust because her mortal body was going to feel the weight of centuries. And yet, Hexxat still agreed to this - she wanted to die as a human instead of continuing to live as a vampire, despite having a cloak to walk in sunlight and genuinely never revealing how she really felt about her condition (mostly because the kind-hearted characters weren't giving her any reasons to tell them how she feels). Of course, the MC can talk her out of it, but she only agrees if they promise to end her life as soon as she asks them. Which is kinda telling that Hexxat was never enjoying her life as a vampire and only considered delaying her death because she found a company worth living for. She also refuses to make the MC a vampire, claiming she can't give them what they desire and that she is done "using them" - while it's mostly attributed to scrapped content, it can also be the sign that Hexxat could have turned the MC into her spawn, but chose not to out of respect, or that she could have made them a full vampire, but refused to - because she felt like they didn't understand what they asked for and saw vampiric existence as a burden, not a gift.
Now, I know that there were no mentions of Hexxat in BG3 and that she is only a BG2: Enhanced Addition companion, but still, I have that headcanon that Jaheira was affected by her story. She promised Hexxat to overlook her nature (acknowledging that she wasn't turned voluntarily), but still remained pointedly wary of her - only to find out that all that time, the only thing Hexxat worked towards was her own death. Not getting more power, not finding a way to live in luxury while draining every pretty girl she could find, no - just ending her existence.
It probably went against everything she knew about vampires - creatures who clung to their immortality and reveled in spreading misery.
Hexxat wasn't a good person: she put her needs first, she killed a lot of innocent people; she lured in and drank girls because she was attracted to women and chose victims based on her preference - and she never failed to remind that she was the victim here while showing superficial regret for the killings. But, given that she was doomed ever since she was Turned, and the only "help" she could expect from a random paladin was a searing smite, she probably learned that it didn't matter how much regret she would show or how hard she would lament about her fate - she will be treated and murdered as an abomination. So, in the end, she only sought death on her own terms - all while having to hear how much everyone wanted her dead over and over again.
These are some dreadful shoes to put yourself into. And while some might say "If I was Turned, I wouldn't kill anyone! I'd walk into the sun at once and end myself!"...would they really do it, without knowing what's happening to their soul?
It's a big deal in Faerun. IIRC, there is no official statement regarding what happens to vampires after they die and DMs usually get to decide that part. It means you have no clue if you're a Turned vampire without any background knowledge on the matters of sould and spirit.
What if the god you worshipped rejected you for being undead (no matter how much of yourself you managed to preserve somehow), and your soul would go to the Wall? What if you won't even make it to the City of Judgement? Would you take that chance if one of the outcomes would be your soul slowly getting absorbed into the Wall while you feel every moment, all your hard work of serving your deity or just being a decent person gone to waste? What if you go to the Abyss just because your soul got tainted?
In a world where the afterlife is very much real, such uncertainty is terrifying.
Yes, while vampires aren't supposed to have a soul (it's part of the curse), games diverge from the DnD rules in that regard (especially BG3, with the spawns).
I think this, along with general jaded observations, made Jaheira more accepting of many things. No, of course, she would be a menace to Cazador's spawns or any vampires who dare to approach her house - no bloodsucker comes near her cubs and lives. No, she won't automatically cut all the undead some slack. But, sometimes, she watches and observes before she makes a verdict: especially when a particular undead is a part of a group she works with.
Of course, she would sass Astarion (and he'd gleefully sass her back). But she never gives him the same warnings she gave to Hexxat - or admonishes him for his nature. At best, she calls him an immortal, but she'd rather poke fun at his gremlin side, than his undead side.
(Mind that she would have ripped him a new one lest he gave her a reason, and Astarion was smart enough not to do that)
It seems to me, Jaheira really believed that Astarion had it in him to reject the ritual. Some of our companions are surprised that Astarion was able to refuse the allure of power, but Jaheira isn't one of them. She is the one saying that maybe people who think they know everything about vampires are actually fools who don't know shit. It's not possible she isn't speaking from experience.
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banquetwriter · 8 months ago
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this might be too angsty 😭
but can you do one where the reader has chronic anxiety and is literally house bound most of the time because of how bad it gets and johnnie just helps them through it
୨୧ brittle breathes ୨୧
pairing: Johnnie Guilbert ♡︎ Reader
warnings: ୭̥⋆*。 panic attacks, extreme anxiety 
summary: ʚ reader’s chronic anxiety binds them to their house but Johnnie is able to save them ɞ
Words: 1452
An: sorry it's taking me so long to write i can't help it lol 
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Every day has felt the same to you. You wake up and immediately doom scroll on your phone. Your brain is hyper-fixating on every bad comment you receive. You eventually get off Twitter and turn on YouTube. The torment doesn't end there.
You turn on someone who has consistent uploads, better looking than you, and overall is just better at your job. You feel so sick. Constantly nausea, your hands and feet are freezing, and your brain seems like you mushed it into pieces. 
It had been weeks since you had last uploaded on your channel. It wasn't so bad at first. You felt less anxious at home so you just stayed in more. Unfortunately, it has its talons in you. You could never leave the house anymore.
You were sitting on the couch in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. You hadn't gotten ready in weeks either, posting the occasional post on your Instagram story of something random. 
It wasn't like your fans hadn't noticed, hell everyone in your life had noticed. Your boyfriend Johnnie had asked what was going on with you lately, and he saw it. Of course, he saw it. The light in your eyes slowly dimmed. 
The way you wouldn't do anything anymore. Your interest didn't excite you anymore, you never ate anymore, and the most worrying thing was you'd stopped hanging out with him. 
He knew how hard anxiety could be on a person and how he wanted to help but he also knew how fragile people can be in this head space.
You had dried tears staining your cheeks as you scrolled through Twitter. You were looking at any tweet with your name involved in it. You were just a sad little lump on the couch. It was pathetic really. 
Your heart jumped as a notification went through that Johnnie started a live stream on Twitch. You had forgotten he was going to stream tonight. You clicked on it saying hi in chat. 
“Ahh fuck my settings are all messed up hold on guys,” Johnnie mumbled moving closer to his screen and clicking around. You giggle watching his fans say hi to you in chat. “Alright sorry guys,” he says, sitting up and looking at the chat. 
“Wait, is y/n in chat? A bunch of people are saying hi,” he says looking at the chat zoom bye. You smile to yourself already feeling calmer just by listening to his voice. “Yes, I am ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” you type in the chat. You watch him read the chat and smile to himself. 
He hides his blush by putting his hand over his mouth. The whole interaction made you giggle. He was the only thing that ever made you feel good anymore. You knew that wasn't healthy but you couldn't help it. You texted a black heart emoji to Johnnie.
You sat and watched the stream for a bit longer at some point while Johnnie stopped for a second to respond to your text. ‘Love you nerd’ he said with a heart emoji as well. He smiled down at his phone before realizing he was still streaming and had to keep them entertained. 
He came to a slow point in his stream so he looked over at his chat. “Why isn't y/n posting?” he asked, reading a fan’s words. Your heart skipped a beat. “Um, they are just having a hard time right now. They will be back soon though don't worry,” he answers, it was a true statement.
It just stung that your fans were reaching out to him about you. Johnnie would never make you feel guilty about this of course he understood, it's just you felt like such a burden on him because of this. 
You snapped back into reality, Johnnie had continued his stream and the chat slowly moved on from the topic. You had to do something about this. It was consuming your life.
You swiped away from Twitch and pulled up your messages with Johnnie. ‘Can you come over after the stream?’ you asked. If you were going to get out of this you were going to need help to do it. You had the stream pulled back up again. 
Johnnie was looking down at your phone. ‘I will get an Uber right now.’ was a text Johnnie sent you. You sat up reading the message on the top of your screen. “Hey guys I'm actually going to have to end stream early,” he said looking up from his phone.
You watched the chat as they started to freak out at the sudden end. Well, this wasn't how you wanted things to go. “Everything is ok. I just realized I have something to do.” he murmurs closing all the tabs on his computer going to full screen.
You turn the stream off, your heart pounding. Guilt flooding your veins. You stood up only worsening your dizzy state. You fumbled into the kitchen grabbing a glass of water. You failed, however.
You never made it to the sink. Your brain is racing and your mind is melting. A panic attack flows over your bones and into your soul. Your phone is lost somewhere you don't remember. 
Your breath in rapid paces as you can't make anything out. The lack of oxygen fuels your state. Tears start to pool out of your eyes, you start to sob. The crying mixed with the rapid breath causes you to lose all the air you had.
You can't breathe anymore. Any semblance of being able to return to normal is gone. You fall onto your hands and knees scratching at your throat in immense panic. You try to scream or kick or anything that can save you. 
You don't even hear when Johnnie uses the key you gave him to enter your home. Finding you thrashing on your kitchen floor, tears falling from your eyes. “Y/n?” he yells dropping to the floor with you. 
“What's wrong?” he yells trying to see your face. He manages to grab the side of your face and hold it up. “Can't… breathe,” you mumble, your face starting to lose color. 
“You're ok,” he says looking at you. He isn't able to say it with much conviction. His words betrayed his face as it flooded with worry. You try and fail to return your breathing to normal. Johnnie sees you struggle. 
“Try and follow mine,” he says, unsure of how to help you. You nod your head trying to listen to his breathing. It wasn't any use if you couldn't hear him properly. You hold your hand on his chest, you can feel his exhale and inhale. You could feel his lungs fill with air. 
You tried your best to mimic him. Closing your eyes eventually works. Eventually, you feel your worry melt away, like snow when the weather warms up. It leaves and melts from your body.
Your body relaxes and the tension falls. Johnnie watches as you slowly return back to normal. He brings his hand up to your face and holds you close. You lean into his touch. Your body is slouching.
He wraps his arms around you, holding your body up. “Johnnie?” you ask quietly. The tiredness ebs its way into your body. “Yeah? I'm here. I'm here.” he says slowly. “I need your help. Or someone's I'm not sure. I don't think I can trust anyone else with this.” you whispered to him.
“What's wrong? What can I do?” he asks, moving the hair that fell into your face away. “I have been rotted away by anxiety. I can't leave my house, I can't eat, I cannot do anything anymore. I haven't posted in god knows how long.” you cry standing up and away from him.
He sits up to watch you pace through your apartment. “I can't eat or sleep or talk to anyone without my entire world collapsing. Which isn't helping, it's just making me more anxious.” you cry, pulling at the sides of your face in frustration. 
“What can I do? How can I help you?” he asks while walking up to you. You stop your pacing, before abruptly pulling him into a hug. “I need to start seeing a therapist or something else, I need you to help me,” you whispered into his ear. 
He pulls away, only a little, to see your face. “We can do that for you. I'm sure it's going to get better if you start slowly, ok?” he whispers back. You smile at him sweetly. 
It was going to be hard but little by little you were going to take your life back. You were going to be able to do it with Johnnie. 
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pocketmania · 5 months ago
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🎨🔫☁️ ❤️‍🩹👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨
Hey. Im Kirbop.
I would like to request some Marie x Reader stuff.
i have been struggling severely with my self image and feelings of not being good enough along with depressive slumps, something to help with those would be wonderful. If its not too much to ask.
Hi kirbop! I'm so sorry all of that's happening to you. But, I hope you know that you are good enough, even if it doesn't feel like it. You are just as capable and amazing as the next person, and I'm so proud of you for making it this far. And, as always, it's never a burden to ask for anything.
Now onto the thingy
‧₊˚✧[ The Love You
Receive ]✧˚₊‧
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(🎨🔫☁️❤️‍🩹👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨) - splatoon comfort
(reader type) - gender neutral /
androgynous
‧₊˚ ⋅ 𓐐𓎩 ‧₊˚ ⋅
- - - - - - -
To put it plainly, you felt like shit.
You were currently rotting away in bed, lying on your side and swaddled in your blankets, facing the wall. You knew everyone thought you were worthless. You knew everyone would throw you away the given the chance.
You couldn't stand looking at the person you saw in the mirror. You couldn't think anything positive of them, either.
Just then, you felt a hand caress your shoulder. You turned your head and saw Marie standing over you. "Hey, you okay over here?"
You didn't want to be a burden. So you lied.
"I'm fine, yeah." you mumbled, plastering a fake smile onto your tired face. Unfortunately, for you, she saw right through your little facade. She gave your shoulder another little rub and squeeze.
"Be honest with me," she said to you as she said down next to you. "Are you feeling okay? You can tell me anything, y'know." You felt guilty for lying, so you eventually spat out the truth.
"... Do you regret meeting me?" You finally asked, turning your upper body to face her. Her expression softened, and she sat next to you, letting go of your shoulder.
"Of course not. What makes you think that?" She asked, glancing at you. You didn't feel like sharing all your thoughts, so you cut your explanation short.
You sighed and stared at the wall. ".. I just feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm worthless.. I know that you pity me." All Marie did was stare ahead and nod. You knew it probably annoyed her a lot when you were like this. You couldn't help it, but you wished you could-
"You're very wrong about that last statement." She turned to face you as she talked. "I will never pity you. I am and always will be very proud of you. You are capable."
You looked over to her. "And I mean that with all of my heart. You are the light of my life. I'm glad I have you." You began to tear up and give a small smile. You wiped away your tears with the covers.
You came out of your little blanket ball to give Marie a tight hug. You began to sob and say things like, "I'm just worried you'll leave," to which she responded with things like, "And you know I won't". It continued until you were reduced to just crying.
"You don't know how much that means to me." You finally said in between your cries. She dug your face into her neck crevice and nodded. She held the back of your head and scratched at your scalp with one arm. The other was wrapped around your waist to secure you.
You were still kinda iffy about your feelings and hers, but if what she said was true, then you could rest easier at night. Because you could rest easier together.
- - - - - - -
‧₊˚ ⋅ 𓐐𓎩 ‧₊˚ ⋅
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darlenicy · 10 months ago
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Winx Club Trix Aesthetic inspired by my rewrite: It could've been us
Icy ~ Witch of eternal Ice
Darcy ~ Witch of Darkness
Stormy ~ Witch of Storms
Lilith ~ Witch of Earth (oc)
I tried to put their hobbies and features in it. Gonna explain for those who are interested :)
Icy: Yes, she is doing horseriding in my rewrite. It was her way to calm down and forget about the unfairness in her life. The horse's name is Imbolc. As mentioned in my rewrite, Icy's family had fallen from grace and became impoverished so it wasn't actually Icy's own horse. In fact, after most of the land of the Whisperia's was taken, they had to sell all their other properties too including the horses. However the new owners allowed Icy to still care for and ride it. She always lived in the fear, that they would eventually sell Imbolc. Then there is her passion for playing the piano. Unfortunately she isn’t able to take piano lessons anymore but whenever she has to calm down, she will go and play the piano no matter what time it is. Sometimes there will fly the sound of a piano melody through the deserted corridors of Cloud Tower at midnight.
Darcy: She has a thing going on with divination. Actually, she suffers from visions from time to time. Some of them come true, others not. It's always shown to her what could happen. She can't control the visions and was especially as a child afraid of them. So she decided to learn about them and make visions and, connected with that, divination her own specialty. This is also how she got into mind-reading and mind-control. She searched for a way to control her powers and the visions. It's not possible to really control the visions though but the way she embraced the powers helped her to manage to control the rest of her powers and use them as a weapon.
Lilith: Now Lilith is a secret actually, but I am willing to share a bit about her. She comes from a royal line in exile and Lilith stills sees herself as royalty and having the right to do what she yearns for: the dragon flame. Her powers are earth based because of her origin and connection to her (former) country (or planet in this case). Just like Stormy she likes testing her limits by going all out. Everything she does is extreme, everything she feels is extreme. There is nothing more she hates than to stand still and accept the status quo. She will only accept what she thinks is right. However, she shoulders a heavy burden and tries to numb it with drugs, sex and alcohol at some points. As said above, she goes all out to reach her goals and will always to whatever she likes to fulfill her own pleasure. And she’s hungry for it. Pleasure and power are the things she’s living for.
Stormy: She’s a rulebreaker. Given being the youngest sibling, she was always cherished and never really learned limits. She has problems in controlling herself and wants to taste every bit of life as best as possible. She too was an outsider in school as a kid but not because of the same reasons as Darcy and Icy (Darcy being the mysterious weird girl with the intense stare and Icy being cold and cruel so that everyone feared her). Stormy was the one who beat the other children up. Sometimes for fun and because she could, sometimes because the others dared to talk dirty about her family. She got called out by teachers a lot but she didn’t care. As said above, she doesn’t know any other limits than herself. So she does what she likes whenever she likes. She's smoking because she likes to, because it shows her rebellious side. She also has several tattoos, simply because she fkn can. She won’t surrender and behave, nor bow to anyone. That might become a problem though and a lesson she will learn at some point.
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cocomintcat · 11 months ago
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Hazbin Hotel x Seraph! Reader (platonic)
Info and get to know her
My first small oc idea that I'm making an x reader type deal! Info:
Reader: angel name Eliora, fallen name (y/n) || 150 years old? (aka 15 in human years ?? I'm guessing cuz Charlie presents like a 20 year old while being 200+ ) aka child seraph that is smaller than emily and around a few inches shorter than lucifer || blended Blush on the cheeks and nose, little heart nose
Angel form looks: gold halos around her neck, wrists and ankles along with above her head, eye on her collarbone area and one on the back of her hands, pastel/soft colors for this form, dress is a flowy yet comfortable gown with ballet flats || 6 wings from her head, can transfer them to be bigger wings on her back
Fallen: horns sprout from her forhead like Charlie and lucifer (because she's not acclimated properly to hell she can't hide them) || her gold halos are now black and slightly broken/bent) || she now has a heart tipped demon tail || more red colors but still light, colors darken with anger/negative emotions || main outfit is an sweetheart topped a-line dress with a black headpiece with an attached veil (your imagination to what you want the headpiece to be), for shoes she has simple black heels over some black tights || has both set of her wings (head and back) showing most of the time, her head wings act like ears now moving to her emotions
More notes: sweet, innocent but not necessarily naive (she knows things but is more innocent as inexperienced), shy, kind, sometimes there's not a thought behind those eyes (innocent puppy look), affectionate, can fight only to protect others, She is aroace (because I am and I said so)
Likes: chocolate, Saf, animals, Lucifer and Charlie, red and purple, lemon rasberry soda, hugs, seeing those she cares for happy
Dislikes: cruelty, unfair punishment, pure evil, the dark, being alone, the cold, others crying, herself crying in front of others, burdening others
Readers angel pet: a small seraph (just an eye with wings, basically acts like a bird + a puppy) named Saf (short name for a small seraph, get it, I'm not sorry)
Eliora is known as God's little princess, she's favored among the elders as she is very innocent, Adam likes her too (takes on older brother role). Though everyone thinks she's too sympathetic towards sinners and hellborns (alongside lucifer).
The fall, it wasn't really a fall as much as it was banishment. She got wrongly accused by a jealous winner who wanted to rise in ranks, she befriended Eliora only to betray her and frame her. Unfortunately no one believed Eliora's innocence even with proof that she was (fearing she had become too much like lucifer). She was banished to hell, she can't become too demonic since her sin wasn't true nor actually done that's why it lightly affects her appearance but the longer in hell she is her body will change to adjust.
When she was sent, Lucifer witnessed it, immediately taking her under his wing. He gave her the name (y/n) to help her try to move on. After a while of taking care of her he let's Charlie know of her existence. Of course this becomes found family and well you get it... It's a new adventure of reader joining the Magnes family to bring sinners to redemption!!
I'll do a more indepth Prologue but for know this is your summary and info to know!!
Spoiler-ish but the dynamics I plan:
Heaven
Adam- older brother
God- "bio" dad type feel (daddy issues anyone)
Lute- kinda mean cousin but cares deeply about you
Sarah- motherly friend
Emily- 100% big sister vibes
Bia (bee-uh) treh (tre-ey)- BFF (not for long)
Hell
Lucifer- adoptive dad that made everything better (actually her brother but acts more like a dad to her)
Charlie- she adopted (y/n) no choices allowed you are her sister now anyone who hurts you gets a first or second death (she's also technically ur niece but is that really a big deal?)
Vaggie- sister in law to the rescue (she knew you in heaven and is pissed for you)
Angel dust- big brother (he treats you like Molly ain't gonna let anyone forcefully take your innocents)
Husker- same as angel but more of a 2nd father figure (he got claws that he will use)
Alastor- weird uncle that becomes like a distant father figure (he trying to avoid soft spots but it seem you happen to remind him a bit of his mother [in the loving kindness sense])
Sir pentious- Weird cousin that is also weirdly a younger siblings that's actually older than you (immature older person with mature and caring younger)
Nifty- she is like a young aunt that acts like your older sister in a weird way and we love it
Rosie- Mom (need I say more lol)
Cherrybomb- your her Lil sister and she is going to bring you into all the chaos
(That's all I can remember atm I'll add more later)
Hopefully I feel motivated to do the prologue and parts soon (struggling rn)
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raamitsu · 7 months ago
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PERSONAL THOUGHTS ON JJK CHAPTER 261 ⭐
Sorry for the fact that it took me a VERY long time to share this and yes, it was pretty long so just scroll if you do not want to read it :")
one thing about me that took me by surprise after chapter 261 leaks came out, was that I was one of many people who quickly adapted and accepted the chapter itself. even at this moment, I am so hyped to read everyone's thoughts and opinions regarding it. maybe I don't care anymore or maybe I was so confused plus tired but most importantly I wanted to see how the story progresses from this chapter. now, it concerns three people at once: Yuta in Satoru's body (considering Yuta is one of my favorite characters too and there is a highly chance he will die), Yuji who was punched and tossed aside once again by Sukuna and Todo who reacted weirdly. The chapter itself was too interesting for me to get emotional but then when I looked at Satoru's face, suddenly it feels like an open wound.
as a long time fan of Gojo Satoru myself, I won't lie to you that even I wished he would return but at the same time I didn't expect him to. had a quick realization and said to myself, "wait- maybe he should have not? because then he will have to get his ass back to the battlefield and fight Sukuna, and then what? he will die again. why would he have to repeat the same shit all over again? yeah that's enough of a burden already." and here we go... again.
seeing how the chapter has turned out, you can say that it is as if my wish was finally granted but it came with a gruesome, brutal twist behind the anticipated awaiting. if you think me seeing Satoru's physical body being used [as a weapon] once again is painful to death, imagine the heartache I had to go through realizing that Yuta was the one who took over his body; and again learning the fact that HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE DID NOT WANT TO COMMIT SUCH INHUMANITY MOVE ON HIS BELOVED TEACHER 😭💔 and yet, Satoru consented him - mental breakdown after another, I must say. I almost passed out (not really) while reading the chapter but surprisingly I have read it at least five times. I felt sick to my bone, however, it was an unbelievable experience and I respected Gege for that (still, it does not mean that I won't hate him ☺️👊🏻)
now... I do not want to undermine the advantage of criticism but as what I have seen/read during the break week on twitter, there are nothing but nonsense. for example, there was this one person expressed about the way they felt [as an Asian] to witness Gege implementing JJK with dark element and claiming that treating a deceased body like a playground was seen as "taboo" in Japan - meanwhile the "taboo" in question here does not only apply to one specific Asian country. while their opinions and feelings were somehow valid, it was still not applicable to speak for everyone especially the majority of Asian JJK readers who love this chapter and has no issue in understanding the points that Gege wanted to come across through his readers.
since I am unfortunately not in a great shape right now- I will do my best to make it short: the hate train against Yuta and Shoko should not be warranted in the first place. all they did for the past few chapters was trying their best to come out with alternatives in order to defeat Sukuna - and that included using Satoru's physical body as their "last resort" as we have learned in chapter 261. you can deem it as "not morally right" which indeed it is and still able to look pass at it rationally for the fact that it was not a baseless desperate move, and Satoru was not being forced by a third party to give consent for his corpse to be used - even if it was not Yuta. to be fair, re-reading the chapter again after I have done posting leaks, I cannot help but found it so tragic for my man and for my beloved boy to make themselves out to be a monster out of their own willingness - and this is why I am deeply thankful for the fact that the one who "inherited" Satoru's memories was Yuta instead of another villain.
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no one, not even a sorcerer, can remain their sanity until the end - not when the situation they are in requires an unprecedented decision making thus resulting them into putting aside their morality and humanity to "level themselves up" against a calamity that knows no limit. even if it costs the lives of many, they will execute the only alternative they had left. a dire situation will tell you, show you exactly what human beings are capable to do. you should be able to understand the sentiment while still being judgmental upon it.
and lastly, the amount of uneasy feeling I have even after looking at these panel for couple of times already like LORD-
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that is all. after this I will do another re-read to form a separated post with different opinions. Insha'Allah.
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matcha-lemonade-enthusiast · 4 months ago
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i’m going to give a comprehensive list of songs that hit way too hard for me or that i cry to, because im little lonely (only child syndrome) and have no one else to tell 😁.
Liability by Lorde
i so vividly remember listening to this song for the first time, and it was like someone put how i felt every single fucking day into a song. i just felt like a huge burden to everyone and everything. especially since i had to whole sad clown thing going on (being the life of the party and silly until i had to be apart from anything that happily distracted me). so many nights were spent laying on the ground and staring at the ceiling, or sobbing in a dark closet to that song. thanks lorde 😍! (/s)
Stay by Post Malone
by far one of the most embarrassing songs on this list 😭. sorry unfortunately i dabble in hating mainstream artists (particularly yt men). however, an old friend of mine showed me this song as one of her fave sad songs to cry to, and i was like thanks im stealing this for my playlist 😁. once again just a song that put my thoughts into words (omg i love art), and i really just needed someone to hug me and tell me everything would be okay. also strangely, it’s a great song for if you’ve had a rocky relationship with your mom or anyone you love so deeply you’d do anything for but shit happens and you both fumble the ball, so now everyone is pissed off. like post simultaneously asking someone to (hopefully figuratively)put their cigarette out on his face, but also stick around for him and love him and tell him everything is okay? yeah real.
I’m Not A Mountain by Sarah Kinsley
fully almost cried when i saw/heard this live, because Sarah almost cried. *defeated* yeah. just another lonely girl who can’t set a boundary to save her life so she runs from her problems and has a sharp tongue song. i’ve said things that i didn’t mean out of anger and so deeply regret because i caused a friendship to end. i have people i (sort of) want a relationship with that i can’t get back because i’ve learned too much and im living in the past in some ways (rightfully so imo) (yes im contradicting myself ik). but yeah sometimes i wish i was a mountain too.
Last Time We Never Meet Again by Sarah Kinsley
sarah kinsley you will always be famous.
but fr this song was simultaneously a swift kick to the gut, but also a breath of fresh air. i was fresh off of calling it quits with a guy (like a month lol), and i had a lot of firsts with him (first serious relationship, first music festival, first time traveling without family, etc) not s*x though someone else beat him to it lmao.) so basically i was ranting to my mom and friends about him and everything i didn’t like that he did, because everything around me reminded me of him and it PISSED ME OFF to no end. then this album (Escaper) dropped (thank god), and once again this song was just everything i felt. like i can’t stand you, i never want to see you again, but hope everything works out how you want it to (im not a monster guys cmon). he called me tho like last week to make small talk and then ask me questions about his personality and stuff. so then that re-pissed me off bc i deleted his number while i was drunk on vacation, and i don’t follow him on anything anymore like pls take a hint.
Casual by Chappell Roan
self-explanatory.
Magnolia by Laufey
let me preface this by being a butthole and let everyone know how cool i am, because i was into laufey before she was uber famous. like im talking tickets to her show were $30. anyways!
basically a girl strung me along, and then left me for a mid yt man 😁. this song was there for me when i was too embarrassed to tell my friends what happened. didn’t cry, but definitely gazed out of my window on a rainy day and listened to the song on repeat for an hour or two (yes this is a part of my villain origin story) (yes i know im a terrible villain fr, more sad and lazy than vengeful)
Baby by Brittany Howard
feeling like i wasn’t enough and didn’t measure up (especially romantically)
Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple
my mom actually played an old fiona apple cd for me while we packed up our house to move. this song really stuck with me bc that whole summer (‘22) was a blur. the second half of the song genuinely sent me into shock because it gave me war flashbacks of childhood trauma that i try to repress 😍. then my mom told me, she pictured me as the sullen girl during my lowest moments and i cried and we hugged.
Cellophane by FKA Twigs
self-explanatory. especially if you’ve seen anania’s tiktoks to this song (doing mundane tasks, deadpan thousand yard stare, and this song blaring). i feel the same way girl, me too. also that music video is literally stunning.
Prey by The Neighborhood
ahhh an old classic. honestly the whole Wiped Out! album is good to cry to but this is a personal favorite. sobbed for two hours then fell asleep because why not. i felt like a waste of space that couldn’t do anything right (i still feel like that sometimes). you are so right jesse rutherford i do feel like something is wrong (i have extreme anxiety, everything feels off and i will freak out at any moment) i feel like prey (i will be chastised and ostracized the moment i do something wrong, and everyone is watching, also i was unmedicated).
okay besties this was a really short little playlist and long thoughts i randomly wanted to get out. thanks for letting me be annoying and reading 😍 (i say to my 5 followers, 2 of which are bots)
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jacksdinonuggets · 8 months ago
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Why Won't You Let The Burden I Am, Starve?
Summary: Charlie tries to help out with Blake's eating disorder but ends up making him purge instead. he regresses afterward aswell.
Tw: Eating disorders, sh mentions, vomitting
Blake sat at the mess hall in the hotel. He was scrolling through his phone, looking at his “inspo”. He basically just made multiple collages of photos and affirmations to help him lose weight. Charlie didn’t know he had this. If she found out he made them almost every day, she’d probably take away his electronic privileges. Today he had nursery school too. He just hoped his stomach would stay quiet during it.
Charlie watched her little from the other side of the mess hall. She hoped he would eventually give up and go grab a plate but she was wrong. She was talking with some of her littles and their caregivers but excused herself so she could walk over to Blake.
“Hey, sweetie, how’d you sleep?” She sat down next to him. He quickly shut off and hid his phone when she sat down. It got her suspicious but she didn’t think to question it too much. She didn’t want to seem like a helicopter caregiver.
“I slept well. I just, uh, finished my breakfast early,” He nervously laughed. Charlie knew he was lying, never once seeing him get food. She knew he didn’t want to seem like a burden to her, no matter how many times she’s told him he’s not. It was just upsetting that he barely accepted any help.
“Come on, lets grab you a plate,” She stood up and gestured for him to follow. Trying to be a good little, he followed.
“You want eggs? Or my dad’s famous pancakes?” She asked. He fidgeted with his fingers. He tried to think about which one would be easier to throw up later. 
“Uh, Eggs, please,” He replied.
Charlie put a small amount of eggs on his plate.
“Do you want bacon?” He shook his head. Bacon was mostly fat!
“How about a biscuit?” She asked. He sighed but nodded.
They sat back down at the table. Blake picked up his fork and stared at the food in front of him. Charlie noticed him struggling to stab the eggs.
“You can do it, sweetheart,” She encouraged. He didn’t want to disappoint so he picked up a piece of the egg and put it into his mouth, chewing on it, before swallowing. It was actually really good and he wanted more. His cravings got the best of him and he finished his whole plate.
“Great job, buddy! I’m so proud of you,” She petted the back of his head. It was comforting and he did feel proud!
However, that proud feeling ended soon. When he attended nursery school, He was too busy focusing on how much better everyone looked rather than focusing on playing. Then, he felt that awful full feeling. He could feel the food in his stomach. He hated it. It was causing him distress. He really wanted to purge, cut, anything! Anything to make this feeling stop. Regressing wasn’t working for him right now!
“Ma- Chawlie?” He wanted to avoid using the ‘Mama’ caregiver name because he didn’t want to make others feel bad.
“Yes, Blake?” Charlie focused her attention on him.
“Can i use the potty?” He asked.
That was strange. Blake never went to the bathroom. He usually used his diaper. Maybe he had to use the other kind of bathroom use.
“Uh, sure, sweetie, you can go,” She gestured to the bathroom inside the room. He got up and walked in, locking the door. Finally, he could purge.
He stuck his fingers into his throat while leaning over the toilet and threw up his breakfast. It didn’t all come out in one vomiting. He had to do it again and again. Unfortunately, his fingernails had tickled the back of his throat. He tried to fight the urge to cough but he was too late. He fell into a coughing fit before loudly retching. The coughing made him throw up in a way he couldn’t control his volume.
Once Charlie heard this, she immediately jumped out of her chair. She should’ve known he was gonna do this!
“Blake, Baby, I’m coming in,” She warned before barging inside of the bathroom. 
“M sorry, mama, M sowry!” He cried when he had been caught. He didn’t want to be beaten with a glass beer bottle again. He knew what he was doing was bad. And if you’re bad, you get punished. 
“Sh, sh, it’s okay, I’m not mad, sweetheart,” Charlie slowly made her way towards him, to not scare him.
He cried apologizes and pleads for mercy. Charlie could tell it was a trauma response and tried to comfort him the best she could. She sat on the floor with him and rubbed the back of his head. She held the clean hand that hadn’t been in his mouth and squeezed it.
After a while, he seemed to have calmed down, realizing that Charlie was not going to hurt him.
“Wh-why aren’t you huwting me?” He asked, looking up at her.
“Because you shouldn’t be punished for this. Sure, I wish you would’ve told me you wanted to purge, but I’m not gonna punish you if you don’t,” Charlie explained. His lip quivered and his eyes were glossy. No parental figure was ever this kind to him. He didn’t feel like he deserved it. It was overwhelming that all he could do was cry into her chest.
“Sh, sh, you’re alright sweetie,” Charlie rubbed his back and kissed his forehead. 
He slipped younger and younger until he eventually stopped crying, too young to fully understand why he was crying. Charlie had her phone in one hand and was texting Lucifer to see if he could take over for the next couple of hours, as she would need some one-on-one little time with Blake.
“Lets get you cleaned up, okay?” She said, putting her phone away. She tried to help him stand on his own but him feeling about the age of a newborn, it was kind of hard. So she leaned him up against the sink and helped him wash his hands after flushing the toilet.
Charlie walked out of the bathroom, holding Blake close to her chest. Lucifer was already there, putting on a magic show for the kiddos. She carried Blake all the way to his room. Once they were there, Charlie summoned a bottle filled with water for him. He was bound to be dehydrated after throwing up. Blake sat in her lap on the bed and snuggled up against her chest while she bottle fed him. It felt nice and relaxing to just get some one-on-one caregiver and little time. She was always so busy and he felt like a burden just by asking.
Once the bottle was empty, she put it on his nightstand to refill later. Putting his pacifier back in, she tried to move him off of her lap but her just clung to her, not wanting her to leave.
“I’m gonna get Spikey for you, sweetheart,” She tried to explain. But he just wasn’t having it.
“NuAaaGh!” He whined. 
Charlie sighed and picked him up. She went over to his toy hammock and lifted him up so he could pick Spikey, the Raptor, off. When he got his favorite plushy, he gave it a snuggle. It was his first ever plushy from Little Town in hell.
“You like your raptor, Blakey?” Charlie asked, lowering him so he’s against her chest again. 
“Mhm, mhm!” He nodded happily. If he was feeling a little bit bigger, he would be telling her all the raptor facts he could but he was a little too tiny to talk at the moment. 
Blake had regressed for the whole day. Charlie didn’t want to keep him inside, so she got out the stroller and they went for a walk. He made happy noises when they walked past a few flaming ducks. It was adorable how happy he was. And of course, Spikey came along with them. 
They stopped by the bathroom of the park so she could change Blakes diaper. Since they were in Little town, every bathroom had sized up changing tables so it was very easy to change him. She felt a little guilty leaving him in a wet diaper all morning but hoped that he would forgive her. He had a bit of a problem when asking for changes, so Charlie would have to check, which is why he almost never wears pants.
Once he was in a fresh diaper, she buttoned his snap-crotch onesie and they washed their hands. She wanted to make sure he was being at least a bit sanitary. 
They arrived back to the hotel shortly after Blake had woken up from his stroller nap. Charlie put on the tv so he could watch some cartoons and baby shows so she could get a little break to be on her hellphone.
Blake had regressed from the morning to the end of the night. The day was filled with ups and downs. Although it was a bit bad in the beginning, it doesn’t mean that it was fully a bad day.
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wishing-stones · 2 years ago
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Nightmare! What is your favorite thing about your guys and your least favorite thing?
(this one is a doozy, so I'm not writing it up to take a screenshot. You get quotation marks)
"Well, there certainly is much to consider, isn't there? Everyone has their strengths and their weaknesses, both in character and in combat. It is only natural for a leader to notice the drawbacks and perks of the people he leads.
With all of that in mind... Perhaps I ought to start with the traits and behaviors that I am not as fond of.
I will start with Killer, since he thinks himself so important. He lets his pride get the better of him more often than I would like. He is easy to rile if his sizable ego is injured in any way, and takes far too much far too personally. Pride cometh before the fall, and when he falls, he falls far, hard, and fast.
Dust is unpredictable and has difficulties with his own emotions. He tries to keep himself in a state of neutrality, but it does not take very much for it to boil over in a fit of very dangerous rage. He tries to emulate Killer in that he pretends that nothing he's done bothers him, but he lets that guilt and self-loathing gnaw at him until he breaks down, and all but refuses help up until the point that he does. Stubborn to a fault, if I were to sum it up.
I am very mindful of Axe's condition when considering his shortcomings. That being said, when he is provoked, he gets unnervingly aggressive. He occasionally still has issues with being territorial and resource guarding, although it is more around those he cares about now, and less about food. I suppose that could be seen as a good thing, but it makes it very difficult for negotiations sometimes.
Cross, like Killer, is far too proud. Beyond that, he keeps his issues to himself, even if it is permissible to share them. He torments himself, allows his own past mistakes to haunt him and hurt him, and refuses to let anyone near for fear of being hurt again. It was understandable at first, but as time has worn on, it has become... problematic.
From the time I've spent around doctor Baggs, His own pursuit of science blinds him to his own needs, and the needs of others around him. If someone is looking out for him, it is slightly better. If he is on his own... It becomes a greater issue. He is also an incredibly proud creature, slow to trust and difficult to read, even for me. I hope this aspect will get better with time. It seems to be.
Ren... Is eager. They are perhaps too eager, and while it is understandable, they must also recognize that progress is not achieved overnight. Certainly, they have become an invaluable asset and talented with a sword and shield, but this alone will not be enough to protect them from unfortunate circumstance. They learned that the hard way. From what I can sense, they feel beholden to be as good as any one of my other subordinates insofar as combat and magic is concerned, else they become a burden. It would be beneficial to them if they spoke these concerns aloud rather than trying to tamp them down.
With all of that being said...
Killer is clever and quick, and is my right-hand man for a reason. He's excellent at strategizing, a magnificent team leader, brilliant in the field, and knows when it is time to play and when it is time to be serious. He is also loyal, and once that loyalty is earned, it is earned for good. Aside from that... he is alarmingly intuitive.
So is Dust, for that matter-- he appears to have a sixth sense for if someone else is not perhaps in the best of moods, or too deep in thoughts they ought not to be in. He's an attentive listener, offers fairly sound advice if it is wanted or needed, and offers no judgement if things are told to him in confidence or in moments of weakness. He cares more than perhaps he would like others to think, but that is a good thing. It means that everyone has at least one other person looking out for their well being.
Axe is surprisingly gentle and kind. He is a good listener, good at comfort, and will do all he can to try and remedy whatever might ail an ally. One might think that these are traits that I would frown upon-- on the contrary, it makes for a stronger team dynamic. It means that he can be trusted, and without trust, we are nothing. Despite his condition, he is eerily skilled at remembering the finer details of those around him, doubly so if it involves food.
Cross is loyal and unmoving. His resolve is iron-clad, and he works every day to better himself. He might not trust everyone as much as I think he ought to, but that does not mean he will not go to every length possible to protect them. He is also a very strong team leader, and an incredibly skilled warrior in his own right. He is masterful at making decisions in the thick of a battle.
Baggs is unwilling to tolerate anyone's pettiness or feed into their attempts to get a rise out of him. He shuts down any malicious tomfoolery with an almost enviable amount of skill. He is not, however, unkind. Despite some of the disagreements he has stepped in to stop, or any hostility shown towards him, he is a patient doctor who leaves all of that at the door to his lab. He treats all with the professional air and carefulness I hand-selected him for. He is good for the team. It is refreshing to have stern backup.
Ren is astonishingly skilled, and surprises me more every day. They have learned quickly and trained quickly. Their dedication is inspiring, and it makes me immeasurably proud that they have shown such loyalty and willingness to become more than they were for the sake of the team and I. They will be very dangerous indeed once they have a finer grasp on their skill and strategy.
I imagine that the rest of my team has their own opinions on what they like and dislike about one another, but so long as we recognize these faults and exalt these strengths, we may continue to grow better as a collective. Unity is necessary when so much is at stake. Even when the pressing conflict is over, we must continue to work tirelessly at becoming the best that we can be."
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strawberrystepmom · 7 months ago
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hiiiiii kendy 💕 I hope you’re having a lovely day! all of the astrology asks are piquing my interest. got any spare thoughts about about a cancer sun, gemini moon, leo rising (with like. an alarming amount of gemini in their chart) ?
I’m always so curious about everyone’s Astro takes and I’m loving reading yours!
WURMY!!!!! I hope you are doing okay right now, I’ve been thinking about you so much. sending lots and lots of sweet vibes and happiness to you. (is today your birthday? I feel like I remembered it being your birthday and if so I’ll come back around with another wish!!!)
so, refresher on basic functions of each placement. sun - life’s motto/goal/mission and your message of This is Who I Am, moon - internal emotion and desires, rising - how you seem to other people!
cancer sun is one of my favorite placements overall. their mission in life is “how can I make your life better?” there is so much good in a cancer that is truly just for the sake of goodness. they’re the true nurturers of the zodiac in every way and while I tend to disagree with most Astro stereotypes bc individuals matter more than the alleged whole, positive cancer stereotypes tend to always be true. the friend who always has tylenol in their purse and will make sure you get home safe and well after a night out. the one who listens and always has a way to gently reassure.
I always call cancers the virgo of the water signs and it confuses people but there are similarities in life’s missions between the signs, the biggest difference is how it’s accomplished. a Virgo will push you to change yourself, perhaps too strongly sometimes, meanwhile a Cancer will cross their arms and raise their eyebrow until you realize you need to change and then they’ll gently guide you through it. both signs are big on intuition at the end of the day, cancer just has a more sensitive approach.
Gemini moon isn’t a difficult placement mostly bc I don’t believe in difficult placements but it can sometimes invalidate the softness of a cancer sun because again, Gemini more than anything wants to just float above it all. your internal world may feel chaotic sometimes because cancer is practical in their approach but it’s more emotional than Gemini likes. “Keep it light” is the Gemini MO and I feel you may have some issues with invalidating your emotions as a whole because Gemini is so “it’s nbd.” but sometimes it is and I would encourage you to ignore that little Gemini shrug it off voice occasionally to really honor your feelings. A water sun is an emotional burden unfortunately because we feel so much and it can’t be ignored forever.
Leo rising suits you so much it truly made me grin to read this. You likely (and do) come off as cutting edge as far as fashion goes, everything you wear gets people talking, you listen to great music and have great parties, you’re a people person even if your temperament occasionally leans more introvert (that’s a water sun trait tbh water suns don’t tend to be terribly socially energetic even if they are liked and good in social situations) and an individual and proud of it. People see Leo’s pride as something to criticize them over, I feel like it’s the thing about them that deserves the most praise. A prominent Leo placement holder is always going to be proud of who they are, sometimes too much to even ask for help, but the independence and self confidence that it lends is just so fkdkdkkdkddk
Overall I think that your big three makes perfect sense but I will once again advise when it comes to all that Gemini to not let it drown out the echoing emotion of cancer. If Gemini is a breeze, cancer is a summer sea and they can work together well if Gemini isn’t allowed to blow wildly.
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6ofwandz · 9 months ago
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The Codependant's pain part 1
Oh the pain of being the one who always sees the good in other people, hoping that if you love it strong enough there they might be able to see it themselves. The pain of desperately wanting to do whatever it takes to achieve this goal, thinking that you are just seeing the person for who they really are, thinking that maybe they just need to put the right glasses on so they can see themselves. So, you go over to the mirror and you select the pair you think is them, and you show them who they are but the sight is so shocking to them that they throw the glasses on the floor and step on them.
This is what it feels like to be in love as a codependent. More often than not, we tend to attract the same type of person and find ourselves, over and over in the same situations where we are sacrificing who we really are for the betterment of others because we believe ourselves unworthy of actually getting the recognition and love we deserve. It's even worse as a healer because it's like stumbling upon someone injured and wounded and you see them for their pain and you want to help them. I hear their soul crying and it echoes in my heart. I used to think for so long that it was just because I had too much empathy for someone else, but I also see now that it was a combination of both my need to constantly control the situation and me not realizing that I was unknowingly tapping into their energetic field and taking it on as my own. The problem is that I was not only carrying the weight of my own issues and unpacking the trauma that my parents passed down to me as my birthright, I was consistently finding myself wrapped up in someone else's thoughts and opinions about themselves, about me, about what they thought about the world around them. I was carrying the burden of everyone around me so they didn't have to feel it. They couldn't actually understand who I was or see me for me because the intensity of my brightness was so great all they could do was focus on keeping it off of them. And, in the end, they were only able to recognize the cold they felt when I was no longer present in their life and they missed the warmth I brought to them by being there.
I have realized that for people like myself, it can be very easy for me to understand the pain of other people, wish for them to not have to feel that themselves, and then do my best to take whatever damage of theirs I can take so that I can rest comfortably that they didn't have to experience that pain. The problem is, as an autistic person I'm not always good at picking up on other people's intentions. Add on to that the fact that I did grow up in the most isolated conditions and you can gather that my perception has not always been present. I have had to go through some of the most vulnerable, painful experiences to know what it feels like to be human, for me to be able to understand and comprehend the human experience as a soul, and unfortunately only through the depths of the darkness I found there was I able to know how to tell when someone has ill intentions. I am not saying that I am perfect at this practice, but I am saying that in a way I kind of traumatized myself to see how much I could take only at the time I didn't realize these were my intentions.
This relationship was proof to myself that I could love something so much and believe with all of my heart and every single intention inside of my healer's body that they would grow by being with me, but I realized after much heartache that you cannot sacrifice who you are for the betterment of someone else. I gave every single part of myself to another man thinking that if I did he would be able to see me for the entirety of myself and who I really am. But in the end all he did was use me for four years, cause me so much stress I broke several teeth, sexually assaulted me multiple times, continuously make excuses for what he did to me because he thought that if he said his intentions out loud to me that was enough to have completed that task. I didn't understand that wanting to be the other half of his whole left me open to being sucked into his orbit of hidden anger, aggression, and pain.
When I left him it's like a fog was lifted in my brain. I could finally disconnect from the never ending loop of negative intentions he had waiting for me. It's like all the darkness inside of him had just been sitting there so long that it slowly turned into a goop and it's been slowly leaking out of him the last four years and somehow being with me meant he felt safe enough to show those parts of himself. Unfortunately, I know that I am not the only person he has done this stuff to, no matter how much he denies it, because nothing adds up. He is not a person to learn from his mistakes. Instead, when he realized that I needed help packing up the apartment two weeks after I kicked him out he thought it would be the perfect opportunity to convince me that he would like to help me clean and pack up the house.
I really hesitated. I didn't know if I wanted to give him the chance at coming back into my life after I spent two weeks doing everything in my power to distance myself from his emotional vortex, but every single plan I had for after the breakup fell through. I no longer had someone to watch the cats or other major obstacles solved and instead the help I thought I might get after we split I never got. Truth be told, I was too proud to ask for help, too embarrassed that I had let myself stoop so low for a man who clearly didn't love me outside of the things I could do for him, all the ways in which I was able to bring him warmth while he pretended to fight the shame in his mind. So, I let him help me. By day two he was already suggesting breakup sex and to be honest, I was so touch starved the last half of our relationship that I fucking fell for it. I did my best to maintain an air of composure and not give back in because I knew it could be a trap and yet still, as soon as he was back he was back in my mind again playing games with my head and talking me into us in bed.
To be honest, I knew it was a risk to go ahead and give in but I waited two whole days of ten hours days of packing and cleaning and purging the house with him. Two whole days of him constantly being flirty at every chance he could and I missed the way it felt when he touched me so much. I had spent those two weeks going through a huge amount of downloads myself and when I saw him I was just so proud of how far I had come that I was completely blindsided by the familiarity of our emotional dance and I was swept up into the drama of it all. We spent that entire weekend in bed, bouncing between doing just that and having these deep, intense conversations I had longed for the entirety of our relationship.
Unfortunately, two days turned into two months and he metaphorically had me by the throat again before I could even tell what was happening. I wanted so badly to believe that somehow those two weeks had been a catalyst to his growth; that somehow in those moments of disparity for him he could maybe see how much he cared and loved for me. I had no comprehension that what was actually happening was that he had simply figured out that he didn't like the lack of warmth he felt when I wasn't around. It is so hard shining so brightly all the time, of not ever being sure if people like you because of who you truly are or simply because you make them feel better about themselves just by being yourself. I process slowly as well and having to take the time to realize that someone isn't as good for me as I think they are takes time.
I think the reality of the situation, truly, is that I felt bad for him when we reconnected. I'll continue this in another post because this is already starting to get very long.
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dave-cobb · 6 months ago
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LUCY LAVERICK HIRSCH, 5/10/40 - 7/11/24 My mother, Lucy Laverick Hirsch has passed away at 84. I was in the ER with her when she left us.
She developed extreme Osteoarthritis in her hips and shoulders and had been having mobility issues for the last six years, including a spinal compression fracture. These issues accelerated over last two years with her being unable to walk more than a short distance or stand without discomfort. On Friday, June 27th she woke in severe pain, unable to stand up or walk at all, and went to the ER who evaluated her physical condition and transferred her into a skilled nursing facility.
She was there for two weeks, with no change in her mobility. While her memory had been declining the last few years, it had been getting noticeably worse the last few months, with a sharp decrease in her mental acuity while in the skilled nursing facility. In the last few days, she’d also been fighting some sort of rapid chest infection, which is what ultimately made her body shut down completely on Thursday, July 11th 2024 at 12:44pm; she was heavily sedated and sleeping when her body finally succumbed.
Her passing was a release to her, definitly a burden lifted — it happened quickly, without pain or prolonged suffering.
Per Lucy’s wishes, there will be no memorial service. In lieu of flowers or condolences, we hope that her passing can shed light on and help de-stigmatize Borderline Personality Disorder — a mental health diagnosis that Lucy sadly rejected and unfortunately never sought treatment for. I truly believe she would have been happier had she been able to seek help. You can make a donation in her name to Emotions Matter, a non-profit resource for families impacted by BPD: https://emotionsmatterbpd.org
____________
Upon her passing, my feelings about her are, to say the least, complicated. Any grief I have about losing her was processed a long time ago, alongside a decade of therapy trying to understand and accept a mental illness that she denied and never sought treatment for. While I had managed to establish a boundary that enabled me to have a functional relationship with her, she was never the mother I wanted or needed. I have a lot of anger and resentment about her decades of emotional abuse; that’s not to mention her decades of serious financial irresponsibility as well, which was a burden to both of her husbands, and ultimately me. She had pushed pretty much everyone in her family away, spent all of her money, and I was the last man standing.
I’ve pushed through years of painful therapy to really understand that her behavior was largely beyond her control and came from a place of fear and deep depression. She was a very unhappy woman, who took out her unhappiness on the people closest to her, while putting on a happy, likable face to the rest of the world.
Jason and I have spent the past seven years trying to make sure she was safe and comfortable amidst her limited mobility, even amongst constant, ongoing patterns of gaslighting and lashing out. I had resigned myself over the last few years to hold both truths: that my feelings for her involve a lot of pain, and that she’s also a human being to whom I can offer grace and dignity as she passes.
It’s been awkward when people console me during all of this — I’m not particularly sad, and I feel pangs of guilt when people expect me to be sad. It’s too complicated to fill in all the blanks with people, so I am trying to be gracious. But it weighs on me.
She was completely sedated with her in the ER for about four hours. Hilarious side note: I put on a movie on the hospital room TV to pass the time until she was gone, thinking I picked something light and innocuous and dumb with A DOG’S PURPOSE — which was absolutely the wrong choice and I was a total sobbing mess but for all the wrong reasons? Forced catharsis perhaps? Regardless, the stupid dog movie helped.
Eventually I started softly whispering to her, “it’s okay, you can let go now, don’t be scared.” I gasped as I literally watched her vitals start to drop slowly as I kept talking to her softly and gently, encouraging her to move on. “You can let go now. It’s time.”
I even joked with her, “and you know, you were a total pain in the ass.”
I don’t believe in an afterlife — so I don’t mourn her loss, but instead mourn that she had a lifetime of pain and confusion. I mourn that I never truly had an authentic mother-son relationship, but rather had to craft myself into a theoretical “good son” version of me that fit her mercurial needs. I mourn not really having positive family memories with her, but only ongoing drama and heartache that, as the “good son”, I often had to placate and soothe.
As I kept speaking to her softly and watched her vitals nearing zero, I said “I hope you can find peace.”
I truly hope that my mother actually heard me and somehow found peace when she passed.
I know I finally have.
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dododan · 7 months ago
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Forgotten Perseverance - Chapter 9
Masterpost
Previous
The confrontation with Doggo, made Kath realize how great hatred of people can be. The girl can't deal with it and doesn't want to burden the Windings family with more worries. But Sans sees that something is wrong. Although he himself does not know how to help Kath, he knows a person who will do a great job in this role.
I've already lost count of the time. I don't know what day it is. In the Underground they have a different calendar. The days are the same, but the dates are different. I am not able to tell what day it is on the Surface. Just is it important now?  
Sans repeats that I should not lose hope. Someday I will come to the Surface. He says this when we are alone. So that no one can hear that I am afraid. I don't know if I will get my future back. Whether I will ever see my friends again. They probably blame themselves for what happened that day. So do I. I regret so many things. I feel like I'm carrying more and more weight, and it's slowly starting to overwhelm me. Sans doesn't know it, but he sees that something is happening. He just is. It's like he's giving me some silent support, but he doesn't expect me to open up.   
I think he just wants to show me that way, that I'm not alone. He usually starts talking about the stars. I guess it's his way of warding off bad thoughts. Stars. Hope that keeps him in his senses. Probably like most of the monsters in the Underworld.   
The dream that one day they will see the Surface. These conversations somehow help. I would like to one day tell him how I feel. I have a feeling that they understood me. Only for now I can't gather the courage.   
Everyone is trying to make me feel wanted. I guess I'm not as good at hiding my emotions as I thought. Or they are just trying to be nice to me. That day as we returned from our “excursion” I was able to find out what Mr. Gaster had talked about with Sans in the morning. We came back tired. Mr. Gaster was waiting for us in the kitchen. He was peeling about the plat, sipping coffee. He put the cup down as soon as he saw us.   
"And how was the trip?" Dr. Gaster asked, coming up to us.   
We looked at each other a little confused. No one knew what to answer. What could we supposedly say? We almost started a fight in the middle of the road? Sans fighting with some monster? The guards don't give a damn about their duties? Fortunately, Papyrus saved us. He immediately started telling what good hamburgers he ate from Grillby. Too enthused to say anything else. Unless the little guy is smarter than I thought and well aware of his innocence. Dr. Gaster lifted his younger son in his arms.  
"So I am to understand that you enjoyed it,” he announced, and Papyrus hugged him." Well, I think it's time to clean up the studio,” Dr. Gaster added, putting his son down. Slightly disappointed Papyrus stepped back." Perhaps you can help me?”  
I didn't have time to answer anything. Honestly, I would rather rest then help. Unfortunately, it is not appropriate to refuse.   
"Sure" replied Sans, heading towards the stairs." Come on, we'll make it quick and we can watch some movie,” he added, walking up the stairs.   
"Let's go,” said Gaster, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Come on Papy! It won't be so bad!”  
"Okay,” replied Papyrus, dragging his feet.   
Mr. Gaster's cabinet was located between Sansa's room and Papyrus' room. My parents also had such a cabinet. They usually sat there in the evenings, instead of sitting with me and my sister. The four of us walked to the door, when suddenly Sans put a blindfold on me.   
"What are you doing?" I asked, stretching my hands forward reflexively.  
"I'm putting on a blindfold,” replied Sans, tying it off. I also heard the creaking of the door and Papyrus' quiet laughter. I didn't really understand it. I didn't even guess what they did for me. I didn't expect it.   
“Just why did I need it?" I asked when Sans put his hands on my shoulders.   
"Because it's a special cleaning,” he replied, walking forward. I took a few steps forward." Watch the threshold." I took a bigger step, avoiding the obstacle.   
"Should I be afraid?" I asked uncertain of what they wanted to show me. It must have been something big if they couldn't show it to me downstairs.   
"I don't know. It can make you ashen with electricity if you're careless,” Sans said, letting go of my shoulders.   
 “Sans,” I heard Gaster's stern voice from the side. I knew that Sans was joking. I had provoked him to it myself. I laughed under my breath." You can already take off Kath's headband,” Gaster added softly." I hope you will like it.  I took a deep breath. I put my hands up and then untied the headband from the back of my head. Did he have to make such a knot? Instead of struggling to untie it, I simply slipped it off my head. I took a few steps forward looking around. I saw a room with light-colored walls. Cream-colored. The ceiling, on the other hand, was dark. Navy blue. Small lamps were located on it. They seemed to be hung in messy patterns. I had the impression that they reminded me of something. By the window stood a bed. There was white bedding. Next to it was a tall wooden closet. Opposite it was a desk. On it stood a cup with pencils and pens. There were also several shelves. Part of it was empty, and on the rest stood several books. The same ones I had read with Sans.  
"I guess this silence can be taken as admiration,” announced Sans, leaning against a cabinet.   
"It's amazing,” I said, continuing to admire the room.   
"And you haven't seen the best yet,” said Sans, walking over to the switch.   
He turned off the side lights and then turned on the small lights on the ceiling. He was right. It was impressive. The lights were arranged in constellations. There was a big car and a small car. A polar star. Orion and several others. It didn't necessarily reflect the night sky, but it was still wonderful.   
 " Incredible,” I repeated.   
I couldn't find another term. Sans laughed quietly. And Gaster stood at the back with Papyrus.   
"Why didn't I know anything?" asked reproachfully Paps, looking at his father.   
"Because you're a talker,” replied Sans, walking up to his brother." You don't know how to keep your mouth shut.   
The brothers teased like this for a few more minutes. I was grateful to them for this gift. I didn't know how I should repay them. I felt really happy. A corner of one's own is always important. I had a little more privacy with it. I was also able to be alone when I needed it. I was happy, but also sad. I know that Mr. Gaster didn't want to nail me. But my own room made me painfully aware that I would be staying here for a while. Maybe for longer or....  
I can't think about it.   
...  
A few days have passed since the unpleasant encounter with Doggo. Somehow I didn't feel like leaving the house anymore. At least for a while. I didn't want another fight because of me. I bring enough problems to the Windings family anyway. I don't want to add more to them.    
I glanced toward the door of Kath's room. She was spending a lot of time in it. Not that I minded. She would just lock herself in there as soon as we started the topic of the Underground tour. She says she's tired or something else. Papyrus didn't notice. He didn't understand it yet. Father was too busy to notice. He said something about the core. They seem to be having trouble stabilizing it. This could have explained the small earthquakes in Hotland and around Waterfall. Unfortunately, no one wanted to say anything. Neither my father nor any of his employees. I didn't really know what to think about this. On the one hand, I was afraid that it was something serious, and on the other hand, my father ran secret projects and was under no obligation to tell me about them. He took his work really seriously.   
As time went by, even if I knew about his idea of stabilizing the core I still wouldn't have done anything. I wouldn't have been able to save him and others. I was a child. I don't think even my father predicted that he and his team would die as a result of the accident. They failed. It was the Alphys who managed to find a solution. This is another thing that monsters prefer to keep quiet about.   
Katharine really didn't want to leave. Her earlier enthusiasm had dimmed.  I understood that, but she couldn't sit in the room all the time. I thought I could get her out somewhere less popular. If she could be persuaded. I didn't want her to lock herself away. She was already lonely enough. I decided to talk to her. Maybe somehow a simple wringing of hands would help her.   
At the time, I didn't know what it meant to lose my family. I thought that talking might somehow help. However, all Kath needed at the time was understanding, time and space. The latter I didn't give her much. I thought that occupying her thoughts would somehow help. That's why I talked to her about the stars. I simply tried to be there for her. Nevertheless, I was not successful in persuading her to go out. For this reason, I invited Aplyhs to join us. She was going to drop in for dinner. The doorbell rang. Papyrus immediately broke away from drawing and ran to the door.   
A blast of cold air rushed in. I heard Paps and Alphys cheering from the living room.   
"Why don't you close this door?" I shouted to them, without taking my eyes off the cookbook. " Do you want to make a snowman in the house or what?   
I heard laughter and then a slam. I turned around for a moment glancing at the living room. The lizard and my brother were heading toward the stairs. I guessed that they were going to Katharine. A moment later I heard them all walking downstairs. Alphys poked Kath from time to time, whispering something in her ear. Maybe it was some kind of girl thing? I don't know. She never wrote down what Al told her.   
After lunch we spent time in the living room. We mostly changed channels. There was nothing interesting on TV. We had only seven channels in the Underground. Four channels with regional news. One historical, science and children's. After the second round, we decided to play VHS tapes. Papyrus sat at the cabinet, taking out some cassette every now and then.   
“And can we watch E.T?" asked Papyrus, holding the cassette in his hands. Looking out of it was a gray wrinkled alien.   
“You've already watched it about five times. Aren't you bored with it?" asked Sans, picking himself up against the back of the couch.   
“Please!" said Papyrus, making buttery eyes.   
At this time Kath and Alphys were talking about something. I paid more attention to them when Kath went upstairs. Papyrus had already managed to put a cassette into the player. He was setting the right parameters without turning his head to us.  
 “What did she go for?" I asked Alphys, straightening up.   
 “To get the phone,” said Al, reaching for her bag, which was lying by the couch.   
 "Whose?" I asked, not knowing what was going on.   
I didn't know at the time that Kath had been carrying a phone from the beginning. None of us checked her backpack at the time. We didn't know what she had with her.   
 "Her,” said Alphys, without even looking at me.   
She took out a small pocket knife from her bag. A moment later Kath came down, holding a phone in her hand. She ran over to the couch, handing the lizard woman her phone.   
 "Are you sure you can fix it? " Katharina asked, looking at Al.   
The lizard woman looked at the phone carefully. It had a cracked glass and several dents. Alphys picked up a pocket knife, sliding out a screwdriver. She levered up the back casing, beginning her work.   
"Why didn't you ask me to do this?" I asked, leaning back. I looked into the eyes of Kath, who only shrugged her shoulders.   
"You know about the stars, I didn't think you also knew about electronics,” replied Kath, straightening up.  
“You could have asked,” I said, following the teenager with my eyes. She sat down next to me in an armchair, tucking her legs under her chin.   
"You can be quiet,” Alphys silenced us, taking her eyes off the unfolded phone." I'm trying to focus.   
Both Kath and I shut up. I wasn't angry that she didn't ask me. I was more a little offended.  It was hard for me to say why. However, I had no reason to be angry or anything like that. It was just... It's hard to describe. Maybe I was jealous? I myself am not sure to this day. I just wanted her to come to me with this problem. I was pulled out of my musings by Alphys' voice.   
 "Fixed,” said the lizard woman, looking at Kath." And what do you think of some improvements?" She asked." For now you only have basic functions and I connected it to our telephone network.   
"How much will it cost to use this network?" asked the teenager, looking doubtfully at me and AL. I was surprised by her question. So was our friend. In The Underground, the telephone network is completely free. The King recognized that communication is one of the most important things. Everyone in the house has a landline, connected to a switchboard." Forget about my question. Let's get back to these improvements,” Kath added after a while, seeing our faces." What do you propose?”   
“First and foremost UnderNet,” said Alphys, tapping the glass with a screwdriver." This is our social center. Most monsters have it. You could chat with whomever you want and none of the monsters would guess that you are human,” she elaborated on her statement." You could find out what's going on in the Underworld and where you'd better not go if you wanted to take a little trip. We can upload it right away if you want,” concluded Al.   
It was clear that Kath was seriously thinking about it. I myself don't know if it would be a good idea. The girl could run into some group that feeds hatred of people. And such things are rather not nice to read. Besides, what would she do if some monster wanted to meet her? But on the other hand, she would have an easier time dealing with Alphys or Saera. I glanced out of the corner of my eye at Papyrus. He was completely engrossed in the movie. He was in no way disturbed by our conversation.   
 "I don't see any objection,” Kath smiled, leaning over the phone.   
Within minutes, the Undernet app was ready for use. The girls quickly tackled setting up an account and setting up privacy. The only problem that arose was choosing a race.   
 "And what do you suggest?" Kath asked, looking through the list with races.   
 "Rather some common one,” replied the lizard woman, looking into space." Maybe a dog monster or a cat monster. They are quite a numerous race,” she added, turning to Kath.   
 " Maybe, and what do you think Sans?" The teenager asked me.   
 "It's your choice. Most monsters don't pay attention to it anyway,” I said.   
 "You help us a lot,” said Alphys with a wince, turning to Kath." Then how about a dog?   
In response, Katharina only nodded her head. After a while I received an invitation from BlueMoon. I accepted it right away.   
 "Why BlueMoon?" I asked.   
  "Why LazyBones?" Kath asked with a smile.   
 "Point for you,” I replied." Then what other upgrades do you want to upload to her. Because apart from Undernet, the rest of it is not too worthwhile,” I added glancing at Al. The rest of the functions required the use of magic, so their upgrades rather ran out.   
“I was thinking of upgrading the camera and the multidimensional clipboard....”   
"After all, she doesn't have magic, so how would it work,” I interrupted her.  
The multidimensional clipboard or pocket didn't work without using the user's magic. It was enough to point the camera at something and use magic while taking a picture. The item immediately went to the phone's clipboard. It could be summoned at any time. The capacity of the clipboard depended on the user's magic, but no one used it to move houses. Because why would they? Usually some small things were stored in it.   
 “You don't know that,” replied a slightly indignant Alphys. " People may have forgotten how to use it, but it certainly couldn't disappear.   
"Unused magic stagnates. You know this well yourself,” I replied.    
There are monsters that don't use magic for everyday life. Even if we are made of it doesn't mean we have to use it. Monsters that consider magic superfluous or have very little of it don't use it. Because of which it thickens and cannot be formed at will. It cannot materialize outside the monster's body.   
"This is the case with monsters. Maybe it is different in humans,” replied Alphys.   
She had many theories about magic. Among them about human Determination. However, without the right equipment, she could not test them. At least at the time. To this day I find it hard to believe that most of them turned out to be true.   
"Then why don't we check it somehow?" Kath interjected. “I may not know what stagnant magic means, but we can check on your phones if I can open this whole pocket,” suggested the teenager, watching us.  
I looked at Alphys, and she looked at me. Trying to open the pocket on either of our phones wouldn't hurt her. And it would end our little argument. As kids, I always argued with Alphys about various aspects of science. We each had a different point of view on an issue. Maybe that's why we worked so well together in the lab.   
“Why not?" said Alphys, putting Kath's phone down on the table." We can check it on mine,” she added, taking her cell phone out of her pants pocket.   
She went into the applications of the large-size pocket. She opened it and handed the phone to Kath.  
 "Choose what object you want to summon. Some small, tiny thing,” the lizard woman instructed her. Kath listened carefully to her occasionally nodding. When she selected something she showed the display." A keychain. I think it can be for a start,” Alphys explained further, while gesturing with her hands." Now the most important thing. You click the keychain icon and have to imagine magic flowing through your hand. Then imagine that your magic....  
 "She has no magic,” I interjected.   
Alphys immediately turned to me with that deadly gaze of hers. I smiled slightly. I liked to annoy her from time to time. And it was quite a challenge, because she was one of the few who could ignore my jokes.   
"Coming back,” Alphys began again, no longer paying attention to me. " Imagine this object appearing in front of the phone. It's like it's forming from magic. You don't have to rush or stress. If necessary, I can explain it again,” finished Alphys, waiting for Kath's reaction.   
The teenager took a deep breath. She acted as if she was preparing for a tough crossing on which her life depended. In my opinion, she was exaggerating a bit, however, for me it was an everyday occurrence. Magic had existed forever and ever. But for her, this was something new. Even though she had already spent some time in the Underworld and had become accustomed to telekinesis many things continued to be new to her. She was like a child who sees snow for the first time. Eyes full of curiosity and a certain ray that is hard to extinguish.  I fully understood this. However, I also needed time to understand that what is normal for me is something magical for her. Literally.  
"Are you ready?" Alphys asked, watching her friend closely.   
Although she didn't show it, I knew Al was stressed too. Seemingly people didn't have magic anymore, however, you never know. The people who ended up here were not ordinary people. Bravery somehow passed the traps in the Ruins and broke into the laboratory. No one knew how. In the same way, Kindness handled the Ruins without a problem. Many of the traps required magic. Maybe people possessed something like it? And if someone can't control their magic then they are a danger. Magic is the soul. The soul is magic. At least in monsters. It is subject to all kinds of emotions. Virgin magic is dangerous because it is untamed. That's why young monsters are watched over to master the basics as quickly as possible. Concentration and calmness. Uncontrolled magic can do a lot of damage, more so than its unskillful use. I glanced at Kath. She had closed her eyes. I guess she wanted to help herself somehow this way. To visualize what she wanted to do. It must have been really strange and stressful for her. However, what happened most surprised me. I think it surprised all of us.   
A purple glow appeared around Kath's fingers. Barely visible, but still. I straightened up. Alphys looked at me. In her eyes I could see that familiar gleam. The flame that had just flared up and tormented her for many years. Neither of us dared to speak up. We didn't want to distract Katharina. We could see that she was concentrating as best she could. She still had her eyes closed. The glow around her hand shone stronger than before. With much more force and intensity. Even Papyrus, who was busy with the film, turned around. He wanted to say something, but with a hand gesture I ordered him to remain silent. I think he was as amazed as we were. He, too, realized that people DID NOT HAVE MAGIC. Then a purple glow surrounded the phone. There was far too much of it, but the possibility of breaking the phone didn't matter to us at the time. We had discovered something that was a phenomenon in monster science. Human magic could open up new possibilities for us, and most importantly get us out of the Underworld. Or at least contribute to it in some way. Maybe we didn't need human souls at all?   
The purple magic soared a few inches above the phone. It began to form into a flower-shaped pendant. After a while it appeared. It was surrounded by magic. He levitated a few centimeters above the phone.   
"Amazing!" shouted Papyrus suddenly.   
It knocked all of us out of the situation, especially Kath. The purple magic instantly disappeared, and the key ring fell on the table with a clatter. The teenager looked at us and then at the key ring on the table. She herself could not believe what she was seeing. She was totally shocked. Probably more than we were. She opened her mouth, but after a moment she closed it. I don't think she knew what to say at the moment. She looked at Alphys, then at me. She waited. This was one of the few moments in my life where I didn't know what to say. However, I knew what had to be done. My father had to know about this.   
"This is fantastic!" exclaimed Alphys, snapping everyone out of their reverie." Can you do it again?" She added quickly, watching Katharina closely.   
The teenager was slightly abashed looking at her friend. It was clear that she herself was surprised, or perhaps more terrified, by what she had done. She had used magic. The question was whether it was her own, or some side effect of the treatment. I couldn't risk something happening to her.   
 "Yes!" shouted Papyrus joyfully."Repeat it!”  
"No!" I interjected. Everyone looked at me. Alphys was probably a little angry. Paps was puzzled, and Kath relaxed. She rather didn't want to repeat it for now." We don't know if it's her magic or maybe a side effect of the magic treatment,” I replied." She might as well pass out to us in a moment or....  " What if it's just her magic? That's normal then,” interrupted Alphys. She stubbornly stood by her point. I understood that she had her theories. She understood them and insisted on them, but there were other options." The treatment could have awakened her!  
 "Exactly.  Think. Unstable awakened magic that will take years to stabilize,” I replied. I hoped that the gravity of the situation would reach her. Either magic poisoning or unstable. And it's hard to determine which is worse." Either magic poisoning and any use of magic can lead to harm,” I added.   
Either theory could have been plausible at the time. However, magic poisoning is easier to cure than to teach someone who has never had with magic. The gravity of the situation seemed to be slowly getting to Alphys. The initial excitement was giving way to doubt.   
 " It's best to investigate it right away,” I began.   
 "How to investigate?" Katharina asked in a slightly hoarse voice.   
 We visibly frightened her with our theories. She probably didn't understand much of what we were saying at the time.   
"It's nothing scary. It's enough to bring out your soul,” replied Alphys casually, turning to Kath.   
The teenager momentarily turned pale. We didn't know that people can't see their souls. And even more so that some don't believe in their existence. Not all information reached the Underground.    
 "Kath, it doesn't hurt,” Alphys added quickly, seeing the horror painted on Kath's face." I can show it to you on mine,” suggested the lizard woman.   
“Maybe we should tell Mr. Gaster about it, though?" Al's assurances did not particularly convince her.  
She preferred to see it with her own eyes. I don't blame her a bit. None of us came up with the idea of explaining the course of the battle to Kath. Between people or monsters, souls did not appear. They didn't come out. Only during mixed fights did human souls appear. It is not known what is caused by this difference. When a monster and a human fight, the human soul appeared before the human. It's just that the last human hit the Underworld several years ago. We simply forgot to tell her about it. Somehow there was no need. Alphys pulled out her soul. Above her hand levitated a small inverted heart. The essence of existence. Crystal white. Filled with love, pity and compassion. Delicate and fragile. Next to it were numbers. One spoke of the current level of HP life and the other of the level she had. However, human ones are different.    
"Now, can I check yours?" She asked while hiding her soul.   
Kath looked at her. She took a deep breath. She nodded as a sign that Alphys could begin. The lizard woman brought her hand close to Katharina's chest. A yellow glow appeared around Al's fingers, and a faint purple glow surrounded Kath's chest. Then a purple heart appeared. Katharina's stats looked okay. The level somehow cared little for us, we were more concerned about HP. With magic poisoning, it drops slowly with each use of magic.   
If it was indeed poisoning then the HP level should have dropped a few points, but it was within normal range. There should also be some visible cracks or discoloration indicative of foreign magic.  
This meant only one thing.   
 "Congratulations,” said a proud Alphys, smiling slightly." You have just awakened your magic. 
... 
"You are idiots," announced Gaster, facing us. We sat on the couch, listening to his lecture.  
He saw us pull out Kath's soul. Surprised, he asked what was going on. Then Papyrus replied that we suspected Katharina of being poisoned by magic. We didn't have time to say anything. Father immediately told us to stop. He said how dangerous it was, that we should call him right away. He still said something about the effects of taking out the soul during poisoning. However, I stopped listening to him. Instead, Katharina grew paler and paler. Father was able to beat a lying man. Not only was Kath horrified by our theories" at which one could still be wrong, but father's theories were another matter.   
"What's done is done," Father said, wrinkling his forehead. He always did this when he was upset about something. He walked around the room." Katharina, come on. I'll take you to the lab," he said, walking over to the coat rack. He took a bunch of keys out of his pocket." I will examine you properly," he added this time, looking at me.   
I was a little ashamed. I could have thought this through better. I didn't want to put Kath in danger, and I did it unconsciously.   
I stood up abruptly, heading towards my father.   
"I will go with you," I replied. However, my enthusiasm was quickly dampened by my father." I will give her encouragement together with Paps.   
  "No," Gaster said sternly. Fastening the buttons of his white apron.   
 "But..." I began, but my father silenced me with a hand gesture.   
At this point I had nothing to say. Father could not be persuaded when brought to the brink of patience. Neither I nor Papyrus knew any such trick.   
"I would like them to come with us," she said shyly." Alphys, too.”   
I guess Kath's terrified face and her glazed eyes convinced him then. He sighed heavily.   
 "So be it for you," said Gaster in a tired voice, creasing his eyebrows again.   
Alphys smiled. She stood next to Katharina, touching her shoulder as a sign of comfort. Paps ran up to Kath and grabbed her hand. He pulled her toward her father. Gaster put his hand on my shoulder. He tightened his fingers around my arm. I supposedly knew how to teleport on my own, but it was a long way from Snowdin to Core. I might not be able to make it. It was better if it was Father who teleported us all. He had no problems with it. After all, he was a Boss. A high-level monster. Father had many fights to his credit. However, he never told us about it, and when we started the topic he kept quiet. After a while we let it go and didn't ask about it again.   
 But going back.   
 In the blink of an eye we found ourselves in Father's laboratory. The light came on automatically. I squinted to avoid being blinded. A tall room with lots of pipes near the ceiling. Most of them were connected to the Core, but I don't really know what they were for. Part of them were responsible for cooling the Core, and the rest I don't know. Somehow I never took any interest in it. The rest of my father's workshop was occupied by tables collapsed with a mass of papers. Some of them were notes on his research. On one of them, in addition to the papers, were tools and some strange-looking devices. I didn't quite know what they were for. Against one wall were glass cabinets. They were all full of even stranger devices. All of them locked. Father walked away from us. He approached one of his posts. Paps and I had been here several times, so the appearance of this room did not surprise us. However, things were different for our female friends. They looked around, admiring everything. Alphys looked at everything with bated breath. She seemed to have forgotten why we came here. Kath, on the other hand, despite her initial interest, anxiety began to accompany her again. She tensed up. I approached her, putting my hand on her shoulder.   
"Hey, you don't have to worry about it so much," I said.   
She, in response, only smiled unwillingly.    
 "Kath, come here," my father called out, not even turning to us.   
 The teenage girl looked at me. I smiled encouragingly. We both approached my father. He pulled most of the papers to one side, so that there was relative order on one side. A microscope was lying there, as well as several syringes. Before either of us had time to say anything, Father began to explain to Kath what it would consist of.   
"It won't even hurt I'll just take your blood," Father said, taking the syringe out of the package." There is magic in the blood, but it is not visible to the eye. It is examined under this microscope. The magic particles in the blood resemble red blood cells a bit," he tapped his finger on the microscope, then took the syringe." Put out your hand," he instructed Katharina. The teenager rolled up her sleeve, giving her hand to Gaster. The man efficiently inserted the needle and drew blood. He removed the needle, handing Kath a cotton swab." And after a shout." He added by placing the blood on a glass plate. Katharina applied the swab to the wound, looking at her father in front of her shoulder.   
"What does an infection with magic look like?" asked the teenager timidly.   
"Magic in a healthy monster should flow freely. The magic particles should be the same size and shape," the father replied, continuing to work at the microscope." Infection, on the other hand, is the mixing of foreign magic with one's own magic. Foreign magic that is incompatible with one's own magic causes the particles to merge and become deformed, the father said.   
 "It's like with people and their blood types," Katharina stated.   
I honestly didn't really know what she meant by these groups. I was not very familiar with human anatomy. Such basics I knew, because several species of monsters had a similar structure, but none of us had blood. The father looked at the teenager for a moment. He looked as if he was trying to remember something.  
"In short, yes," he replied after a moment. He looked back at Kath's blood sample through the microscope. "Hm...”  
"What is that squint supposed to mean?" I asked.   
Father had a mannerism. When something caught his interest he would mutter under his breath. He had to be brought to the ground to say what it was about.   
"It's not an infection," he announced, pulling away from the microscope. At these words Alphys, who had been looking at some large machine in the corner of the room earlier, looked in our direction." It's a theory for now, but the magic treatment has somehow awakened Katharina's magic. I'll have to do more research," he added, getting up from the table. He headed toward one of the closets.   
"Wait!" I said, following him. "After all, it's impossible for people to have magic!" I replied." After all, you yourself thought so before!”  
“Sans" began his father. Whenever he started like this it was known that a serious conversation was preparing."Theories are theories. Some are subject to change. Others are undermined, and still others gain confirmation," said father, opening a glass cabinet."When you don't believe something and you have the facts in front of you then you have two choices", he continued his argument, looking for something. "You can deny the facts and pretend they don't exist," he said, turning to me."Or Accept them and expand your horizons", concluded my father, walking back toward Kath.   
She stood by her side excitedly. She was saying something about learning and getting excited about magic. Papyrus, on the other hand, was running around the lab looking at everything. Somehow he had little interest in what we were doing. Seemingly father was right that I should accept that Kath has magic. However, I was afraid of what was involved. Human magic apparently was in them all the time, but dormant and forgotten. Maybe that's why their souls could break the barrier.   
King Asgore had several human souls. They were to be used to open the barrier. The most my father knew about it. I doubted that he would do anything to Katharina. He was not that kind of person. But the discovery of magic in humans created new opportunities to destroy the barrier. I didn't want Kath to feel obliged to help us somehow. The barrier was our" the monsters'" problem. Even if Kath was stuck here, we couldn't use her that way. Besides, we didn't know how her magic would develop. She might as well have been very weak. I approached the rest. Father was explaining to Kath what he had found in her blood.   
"It is possible that the magic we gave you when you got here awakened your own. I don't know yet in what way. Maybe it was compatible with her to some degree," my father announced, placing some instruments on the table." It will take me a few days to determine as well as to check that your magic itself is not harmful when used," added Gaster, looking at the sample through a microscope." It will be safer if you don't try to use magic until then.  We should still have magic stabilizing pills at home.   
"Stabilizing magic?" Katharina asked, probably not fully understanding what my father was talking about.   
"When monsters have their magic awakened it is unstable. Young monsters can't use it," I began to explain." Magic is affected by their emotions and they can destroy something by accident. Therefore, until they learn to control it they get pills that do it for them," I added.  
"That's right," my father supported me, not taking his eyes off the microscope. He only looked at the sheets of paper and wrote something on them." One a day should be enough.  
...  
Today was a strange day. No. Strange is an understatement.   
I discovered my magic. It sounds so unreal. As if it's all a dream and I'm about to wake up. Only nothing like that is happening. This is now my new reality. I have to get used to it. Mr. Gaster told her not to try to use magic for now. He wants to study it better and find out if I can use it safely. I didn't understand much of what Mr. Gaster said about the stability of magic. He said he could explain it all to me again if necessary and answer any questions I had. Alphys is very excited about our discovery. She was very fascinated by it. She told me many of her theories about human magic and something called Determination. However, she didn't explain it to me. She was too caught up in her theories to be able to talk to her in any way. Papyrus didn't understand much of what happened in the lab. He's only a child, so it's normal for him not to be interested in such things. However, he was happy that he would be able to teach me magic.   
Sans, on the other hand...  
I'm not sure if he wasn't disappointed sometimes. Maybe more worried?   
When I asked him about it he would change the subject. I don't know what it is about my magic that makes Sans so worried. Maybe later he will tell me when he himself is ready. For now I'm not supposed to learn magic. Alphys convinced me to give the Underworld a second chance. We were to go to a less traveled place in the Underworld than the town of Snowdin. Alphys wanted to show me the Dump. It doesn't sound very inviting, but the name is supposedly misleading. The Dump is supposedly where things from my world go.   
Al reportedly found many interesting things there. She also managed to put together a computer from parts she found there. Sans also likes to go there. She finds new books on astronomy there, and Papyrus looks for new movies and toys. Some of these things are broken, but no one bothers to fix them. They have made me curious. I can't wait to go there.  
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