#but truly I would like to evolve from this version of myself already

[realcatalina]

Small updates

For past several months i have been working upon video about basics of gable hood, before finally giving up, and deciding to do several shorter videos rather than one very long one-because apparently my motivation level decreases with lenght of the video.

But as I was doing it, i have decided to finally take proper look at effigies of women wearing gable hood and I have discovered several things. Some are about gable hoods of course, so that i will explain in those videos. But i feel need to update you about the rest of the things I found.

I was wrong about this style of under-partlet being non-english.

It is also present in England. But it appears in english effigies which are from c.1520. Around twenty years prior to Anna's arrival.

Prior to Horenbout, prior to Holbein.

I have also prior told you it is similiar to Alice Brown's underparlet on her effigy-that is true but unfortunately I have misdated that effigy.

it is not from 1540. It is somewhere from late 1510s to early 1520s.

2)We need to significantly stretch chronology of these sleeves

(and I should really learn their name.)

I used to think they were solely early 1510s style-because aside from brasses-the sole depiction of them that knew of (in England) was Westminster tournament roll from 1511.

But then showed up lady Margaret in stained glass thought to be from somewhere in c.1505-1509, and most recently i seen posthumous effigy of Anne Howard(wife of Edmund Gorges) with such sleeves:

The gable hood of such pitch, could be early 1500s.

(could be mid-1500s, but could be earlier also).

It isn't obvious from the picture from front, the angle of the photo is hiding the pitch. I know it is posthumous, but since nothing about the outfit is indicative of decade she died in, i can only presume entire the entire outfit depicts later fashion.

Also, Mary Tudor in 1514/1515, in France, i thought she was wearing narrower version of these sleeves. Thus i thought the style by then has been on decline, already evolving to something else.

But after discovering another illumination from that time, i have to conclude it is not so. The artist struggled to do the proprotions correctly. He has one sleeve narrower and wide upon same gown!

Narrower style is likely not real, thus we are stretching wider style of sleeves up c.1515, hence my new range for these sleeves is c.1500-1515. Let's see how long before i am proven wrong again!

(This happens, i have to get used to it. I keep proving myself wrong as I research.)

Also, would you guys want me to list all the effigies and give you explanation regarding dates?

I am asking beforehand if you are interested, because there is over 50 effigies with gable hoods-that i know of. (only few are too badly damaged that they cannot be dated well).

Just writing them all down, takes a long time. Let alone description or pictures-because stone doesnt really make it clear what you are looking at+plenty of them are damaged to great degree-it would require me to play with pictures a lot to make them any real help to you.

No way we are doing all 50 at once. But potentially we could do them in parts, over longer time. If you wish. Some of them have truly beautiful details, which sadly we cannot observe well in portraits.

Also i am wondering if i should give you just the plain list and see if perhaps you know of some which i missed.

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

What did you think of the Arkham Shadow Scarecrow and Batman?

i’m afraid to say, that they turned out to be rather underwhelming for me. sadly, it’s one of those instances, where i wish that i was more invested in the thing vs what it ended up being. 

overall, the arkham shadow isn’t a bad batman game, but it’s also kinda fairly mediocre at the same time. both story an’ characterization wise. they might have attempted to cover up all the ‘right’ subjects, but they did it in such bland an’ safe’ way, that i cannot help, but feel like it could have been so much more, than this. granted, i had watched it via youtube, therefore maybe, when you actually playing it by yourself, the gameplay is what carries it over, but as a viewer, who was only focused on story aspect, it was hella mid to me. very dragged out an’ almost aimless in nature. as result my assessment of the characters won't be super flattering, i imagine. but i do want to stress, that this is just my personal opinion on the matter. if folks loved the story an' how bruce an' crane were writen, that's amazing. i just cannot say the same about myself, an' i will do my best to explain why.

but oh well, oh well. i’ll start with bruce first. so right off the bat, we were given an indication of what his main inner struggles would be about. he seems to be still fairly ‘green’ in his crime fighting career an’ more often than not, let’s his anger take over. he struggles to find his inner balance an’ not fully sure what exactly he means to represent, since his need for vengeance often times overpowers his sense of morale. on paper, this is pretty standart batman problem, an’ the sort which is hard to get ‘wrong’, but very-very easily to downplay, which is smth that this game does by accident over an’ over again. not to mention, that we had already saw this very conflict being implemented in another arkham game. an’ quite frankly, arkham knight tackled this subject way better than this game did. for one, in ak bruce’s state of mind was established by previous installations, therefore it made sense why he was already kinda teetering on the edge, since every human being has a limit. even the bat. all the stuff that he went through in all previous arkham games, makes it fairly believable, why he would struggle to keep belief not only in his villains, but in what he’s doing. not to mention, that all the villains we see the most in that game are living *or dead, in case of the joker* cases of people, who bruce failed to save in one way or another. they are a reminder of how far-fetched his ideals are an’ it would make sense, why it might weigh him down even more, even if he doesn’t directly address those things. 

in arkham shadows, however, a lot of bruce’s potential tragedies are kinda sterilized. an’ come off as undeveloped. for example, we wasn’t shown any establishing, proper moment between him an’ harvey to know why he would go berserk from the thought, that his friend might die. like, yeah, we know that they are friends from get-go, but the game does nothing to make me truly care about this version of bruce’s an’ harvey’s friendship. so it just falls flat. an’ it truly sucks, bc in that game we have 4 characters, who bruce is close with, but besides, his interactions with alfred, all other 3 are just kinda idk ... exist, i guess? an’ that’s another huge problem with not only the game itself, but also with how bruce given nothing to play off from. 

so alas, next on the chopping block is how everyone around bruce views his struggle with his ‘shadow’. an’ how it just feels like someone caressed the air with useless words, without actually doing anything to resolve / evolve / dive deeper into bruce’s emotions. an’ the first the most outrageous *to me* thing, that comes to mind is leslie’s ‘don’t be angry. be good’ line. she might have had all the best intentions with that one, but even with that in mind, that’s such a condescending an’ unhelpful thing to say in this situation. it instantly downgraded my opinion on her character in that game. bc i can get if it was coming from random npc, or idk, someone who didn’t know who bruce was. but it comes from a person, who supposedly knows him well. an’ this is what makes it so painfully bland to me. like, she could have said smth akin to ‘i know you are angry now, but if you act on that anger, you’ll come to regret it’ or ‘this rage might be justified and in a moment, it might seem like it would solve everything, but we both know, that it’s not so. you are not that kind of person, bruce’. merely say smth that actually sounds like she’s concerned for him an’ doesn’t want him to make a mistake, which would actually ruin him for good. admittingly, i’m not super familiar with her character on main an’ maybe, she’s always talk like that. but if so, this just makes her kinda a very irking sort of character in my book. it honestly, makes her look like she understand the issue itself, but doesn’t understand what it means to bruce nor why it would be an issue for him at all. in other words, she’s acts as a huge downgrade from alfred, who at darkest times, remains the voice of morale for bruce, when he feels himself slipping. in comparison to this junk, alfred's short line about how ‘vengeance is not justice’ is true piece of gold. this line is simple an’ short, but it contains enough substance for me to believe, that bruce will give it a thought. an’ that line also played into the theme of bruce’s problem too. this could have been exlored way more, than it was.

but instead of any development, we get more things just flying into vacuum, bc bruce doesn’t actually go through some meaningful inner journey throughout the game. not really. there aren't any super grand moments, which led me to believe that he’d be fit to fight that boring ass nightmare batman toward the end. out of every arkham game's bruce wayne, this one feels as the most raw an’ undercooked in terms of characterization. i literally learned nothing new about him from the start of the game toward the finish. an’ i really wish, that i could. like, there was one good moment between him an’ leslie *funny enough, in the exact same scene with that other moment that piss me off*, where she told him to speak with her in his voice. an' he does. an’ it wasn’t batman’s voice or any unfamiliar one, it was bruce’s normal, actual voice. like this small moment really gives a bit of insight into both bruce as character an’ how he views leslie. but it’s literally a tiny moment, which doesn’t go anything to improve the bigger issue here. since for a game, which is centered around ‘fighting your own shadow’, they literally do nothing with that concept. you had crane, harley an’ bolton in that game, all of which could have been a perfect fuel to literally every aspect of bruce’s inner battle, an’ he could have learned his own ‘lessons’ an’ navigate what feels right to him via his interactions with them. for example, does he really want to only punish people an’ give them no hope? no chance to better themselves, like bolton does? or can he really rely on his empathy, if harley’s fatal flaw was essentially seeing the best in the worst man possible *the joker* as result twisting her into his number one, delusional playmate? more so, how to find the balance between all of this, if there are cases like crane, who might believe like he ‘helps’ others, while possessing zero empathy an’ while not directly seeking to punish people, still being willing to hurt them for ‘greater cause’? 

bc honestly, i for the life of me cannot understand why we didn’t have a chance to do all or at least some of that. to interact with bruce’s actual rogues, an’ have moments between them, which would have been mutually contributing to all the characters involved as well as driven the story along in a way, that felt connected to bruce’s turmoil, while we also investigated rat king stuff. instead of that, what we get is bruce talking to random prisoners *joe or whatever*, some falcone scenes pack, that idk about everyone else, but i could live without an’ just generally prison life simulator with a bunch of easter eggs. oh yeah, an’ the joker is there for literally zero reason or purpose. he's literally there just to be there. an' this what makes this game feel so overpacked with everything, but at the same time so oddly bare an' empty. it really feels like bruce is just there to beat up goons an' do side missions, the story an' any relationships in it take a backseat to that, to the point where reveal of rat king did literally nothing for me. i know, that i was supposed to feel for bruce *an' if it was properly writen i would have* but i didn't.

an' that's just arkham shadow bruce. now, let’s get to arkham shadow jonathan crane. he suffers from exact same problems as bruce, in terms of characterization, but to make it even worse, he’s not even a scarecrow in that game. not really. he’s not obsessed with fear for one. there are some small crumps there an’ here that allude, that yeeeah, he’s kinda interested in it an’ that it lies in the center of his toxin, but it never explored properly. an’ if you don’t collect all the tapes, you will literally miss even that lmao. an’ sorry not sorry, but to rely all of character’s most known an’ important traits onto technically a collectibles isn’t the great way to go about it. we also get zero explanation how jonathan’s accident, when he fires a gun in the classroom *it was literally done to demonstrate his point about fear* leads to him exploring ‘shadow’. i mean, he kinda used fear toxin to ‘help patients combat it’, but it just feels kinda odd for him to do it. smth tells me, that jonathan crane in his essense wouldn't have cared too deeply about it, or rather not in a way, they framed it. i can't help, but feel like they just make him say stuff such as 'fear smth', 'afraid of', 'what scares you' from time to time, only to literally remind us, that it's scarecrow an' not some dude. maybe, it's just me.

what else? well, bruce saw crane being inpatient, but since he know jack shit about jon on main, an’ don’t even spend time with him, it’s hard to tell if this behaviour is new, consistent or developed due to smth. an' this just kinda so weird to me. bc wouldn’t it have been more interesting for bruce to experience jon’s ‘treatment’ before he became scarecrow? wouldn’t it have been interesting if jon would have accidently helped bruce *even tho he kinda did* an’ then trying to sell this to him as a proving a point? leading batman to realize that crane is clearly unwell, despite seemingly truly thinking that the end justifies the means. an’ then realizing that murdering a murder in some ways is exact same philosophy, an’ he doesn’t fancy it. nor wants to be like that. like, there are bit of jon’s dialogue there an’ here, which suggest, that yeah okay, smth might have been planted, smth might have been brewing. but they never lean hard into any of it. just like with bruce, we barely learning anything new about crane, or get a deeper insight into him as character. or get a better, closer view of his an' bruce's dynamic.

an' the thing is that i'm okay an' even appreciate when writers leave some room for hcs, speculations an' theories. but in here, there is just too many blanks, an' all the details that we actually do get, exist somewhat incoherently. they all just kinda / sorta point at smth, without ever pushing things to needed extremes or new levels.

on the positive side, tho, i do like jonathan’s design in this game. i like how they gave him facial features, which resemble what we see of him in arkham knight. even if his red-rimmed weed smoking eyes make me cackle each time, i see his expression up close. like, man. go easy on your fear toxin snorting, jon. i also kinda like how he an’ bruce accidentally created a two-face lmao. good job, you guys. an' i know that this moment was supposed to be dramatic, but i find it really funny in the darkest way possible. prob bc it was low-key awkward. an’ also while i’m at it, roasting both bruce an' jon for being clumsy or weird, i can’t help but roast their voices too. bc lord, sorry not sorry, but crane’s va just doesn’t sound like scarecrow to me at all. he doesn’t sound like a professor / doctor / mad sientist, he sounds like a student, who is about to ask you if he can go to the restroom. an’ bruce’s ‘interrogation batman’s voice’ unironically made me giggle into my palm. if i was a goon, who he dangled over the roofs edge an’ he'd began yelling at me like this, i would have burst into laughter. i just can’t take him seriously like that. he comes off as someone who tries too hard to sound glowly an’ angry. no offence to either vas tho. but man. they both kinda took me out of a few scenes.

as for scarebat elements, they are literally not there. for me this game was very empty. kinda boring in some places too. i really wish there was more in it, that i liked, vs me constantly catching myself thinking about all the ways, it could have gone differently. or at least, less stale-ish. i truly wish that i liked it more than i do. i really wanted it to give me smth. like, even just a very good story. or some interesting bits about bruce's relationships with other characters. but it gave me way too little, for me to really care about it.

[yua-nism]

Blast it! by RE-O-DO, JOSHUA, JUDAH, 2(YOU), MOMOCHI, A' (en tl)

disclaimer: this is my first time translating a song, so please bear with me if there's any mistakes. by the way, this is the full version.

Blast it! Blast it!

Are you ready? Let’s go

Don’t forget that Innocence

The fragrance of Hyacinth(s), those precious memories

Even if beaten down by weakness, I’ve never thought of giving up on this EXiT

Egoistic, isn’t that nice too

It’s the light that we lit up

Blast it! Blast it!

Definitely not wrong at all

Blast it! Blast it!

Taking the INiTiaTiVe

Blast it! Blast it!

Even if the road ahead can’t be seen

We’re going ahead without hesitation

Believe in yourself and move forward

The night sky is gently shining

The moon is reflecting your beauty, enwrapping it

Being unable to do anything on my own

I realized that I would have been unable to get through this without you by my side

Even if we’re far apart, to you who’ll be gazing at the same night sky

Blast it! Blast it!

This treasured feeling

Blast it! Blast it!

I pray that it can be conveyed

Blast it! Blast it!

Not only tonight

I’ll always be thinking of you

I wanna say thank you for my Dear…

Do you feel the Agitation?

Stop chitchatting and follow up

Something like Retreat(ing) doesn’t suit me at all

Trouble is fine, so bring it on!

Stop saying those annoying words

Use your voice to feel it For real

Blast it! Blast it!

Hitting it cleanly with a straight

Blast it! Blast it!

Roar and shout it out

Blast it! Blast it!

This moment will decide the winner

Now feel my determination

Pointing straight to the New World ahead

Loving each other wholeheartedly

That should be it right?

The Relation between us

What I truly want to do

Has to be decided by myself

No matter when, it’s not too late

Compared to the uncomplete me from yesterday

The me of today is the one You know

Blast it! Blast it!

A red car is driving forward

Blast it! Blast it!

More and more passionate, day after day

Blast it! Blast it!

Aim towards the goal under the orange sunset

That seemingly burning STARLIGHT

Is right in front of these hands stretching out

Those words that are shaking one’s heart

A touchable spirit, asking me for forgiveness

Show me, even just for a moment

If all my heart’s desires can be fulfilled

Understanding this twisted love

Means you have already accepted this life

Blast it! Blast it!

Ephemeral bubbles

Blast it! Blast it!

This illusory world

Blast it! Blast it!

Right ahead of these roaring flames

Searching for a single truth

The trick bird has long since soared away

Blast it! Blast it!

Blast it! Blast it!

Gazing into the mirror in the evening

It should be fine even if I don’t feel any guilt, right?

Witness this four-leafed clover’s magic

There’s nowhere to run even if you’re scared now

Pretending not to hear the S≠O≒S

Dodging the Calling Cat skillfully

Blast it! Blast it!

It’s a kamu kamu miracle

Blast it! Blast it!

An invitation for the future

Blast it! Blast it!

Now let’s become HAPPY

This feeling will definitely get through

No way (it won’t), this is certain right?

Praise our song

Please witness this stage we unfolded

Thank you for accompanying us through this survival

Praise our song

Face the present and future with courage

Thank you for enjoying this stage alongside us

(This story) will always continue

Rock our future Blast!

Let’s go

March forward

Swearing upon the moon

Putting thoughts into song

With my true self

Continuing this dream

And painting the future

Notes

The bold words are the ones that reference other songs. The more confusing one would be Atan's. To explain, no way = massaka, which references Massaka no Massacre. The roaring flames in Momochi's part refer to Guren shinju. Lastly, the "gently" in Joshua's part refers to yasashi no oiru.

Also, the "straight" in Judah's part might be referring to one of his drama tracks' names in Evolve, but I wasn't sure so I left it out.

[bunnakit]

lore anon here, vibrating now, because I must ask, do you read tarot yourself? because I definitely do, (hell, I picked my latest daily draw deck that I've been working with since may by just asking each of the three decks I was trying to decide between what they each thought about ateez and then going with the deck that gave the fondest answer because why the heck not since I was changing decks right before the comeback. so why not, right?)

because, I am not kidding, half the reason I sent the last ask was because I'd been watching Don't Stop on loop for like 3 hours yesterday, (HJ standing on the piano while the room on fire has been a mood for me of late,) and I could not stop thinking about the Guerrilla cane and the Don't Stop cane and the fact that Hongjoong is such an absolute Emperor archetype personality-wise and how the Emperor is generally considered the evolved form of the King of Wands. And he was the one who literally got a wand in the photospread, and then got two canes (wands) in actual mvs. And wands are the suit of actions/passion/communication and they show up in the two mv's where the Black Pirates are finally taking action, and using their passion to communicate their message and start fighting to give people their emotions back, and then the one where Hongjoong has to kind of lose his mind and wreck the place in a fit of passion to get the key to ship back.

but I don't mention tarot because if someone's not into the woo-woo it makes me sound like I'm absolutely insane. I AM SO GLAD TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

(And we've already had one very prominent cups song (Answer with its literal overflowing cup,) and one coins/pentacles song, (hi there WORK, welcome to the canon). ...and a sword song depending on if we're counting the kingdom/stage performances of Wonderland given how iconic Seonghwa's sword is to the song at this point).

Also, also if you want to talk about card associations? Bouncy where they are literally bringing down The Tower, because a system built on corrupt foundations cannot stand.

You could also argue San's toast in Answer relating to the Star card pouring water/healing given how much of an emotional resolution and idea of finding of an understanding between the A and Z pirates Answer is.

Or Yeosang captured by the android guardians and trapped in the glass prison cell as The Hanged Man, forcibly stuck and suspended in time and space and forced into a reflection that does not go well for him before they rescue him.

(Also I have not stopped thinking about that tarot reading all the way back from Codename: Ateez that I basically reverse-engineered the spread positions of based on how the reader lady gave the reading and.... Hongjoong coming up as the Emperor who sees Seonghwa as the Queen of Cups while Seonghwa comes up as the literal Queen of Swords who sees Hongjoong as the ace of wands like aaaaaaaaa. And the fact that she just whipped out the whole husband/wife thing because it seems like the overarching dynamic of their relationship is the 4 of swords, how they are together is 'a stable foundation' with the king and ace of pentacles, all of which if I was reading that same spread I would read as 'they feel like home to each other'. And the outcome of their relationship being 9 of cups/death? completely transform each other while making their dreams come true? aakhgkjhgkrjh hi, yes, they make me insane your honour)

THE TOWER. i stared at The Tower for ages like i KNOW we've seen a version of it and i couldn't think of it but it's absolutely Bouncy!! (The Tower is also the card i always fucking get in readings, thankfully not reversed.)

i don't actually read myself, never really took the time to learn, but i do collect decks (my husband got me the most gorgeous bird themed deck for our anniversary) - i mostly just look up card meanings from time to time and try to remember the iconography in them, but i DO have plans to get the reversed heirophant tattooed on me someday

i truly can't wait to see where the lore goes, while it made me cry for like 30 mins i'm so so curious to see where Golden Hour's lore takes us because it definitely feels like a HUGE pivotal moment in the story

[melestiasworld]

enneagram > MBTI ?? (am I really saying that !?)

I was researching my enneagram type lately and I have a lot to unwrap

Amidst my attempt to organize the endless tabs on my phone, I stumbled upon an old Enneagram test result. It was surprisingly spot-on, articulating behaviors I've long recognized but struggled to articulate.

I'm a 9w1, and I've been watching Dr. Tom LaHue's videos about my type.

He was saying that 9s can, if not careful, mistake the taste, goal of other's for their own- something I know I tended to do a lot when I was younger Back then, I craved uniqueness so intensely I wanted to dress up differently, listen to different music -being like everyone else was disgusting to me. Looking back, I might have resembled a type 4 during that phase

but I'm glad I had this phase, it helped me cultivate my confidence and identity

I've also noticed a pattern where I struggle to voice my opinions naturally. It's something I've had to learn the hard way.

it takes effort for me to really put myself in thinking mode to connect with my true self and figure out what I truly desire Yet, when a topic strikes a chord, I don't hesitate to speak up. Tom was also saying how my default response to a question or a request is always “yes” when it should actually be “no”, so that I accept only what I truly desire

“you can find your real “yes” only by saying “no””

I mean, I already knew that of me, and what really helps me is seeing other people being assertive in their opinions

I love people-watching and seeing people stand their ground inspires me

I've recognized that I sometimes fear expressing my voice because I don't want to burden others. I'm capable of understanding multiple perspectives, making every option seem acceptable—but what do I truly want?

Combining assertiveness with kindness has been a struggle. I've been aware of this aspect of myself for some time, and I'm committed to improving.

We all have patterns that emerge when we're not in a healthy place. and the enneagram helps you see more clearly on this. In the vid, mr tom was going through the levels of health of 9s going from the worst to the best, I've stopped to the first because it resonated too much with me : My brain will do anything to keep me away from feeling any type of negative emotion, this actually has been really detrimental at one point in my life

I will get lost in my priorities and the things I need to get done so I’m doing fucking useless tasks like cleaning my shoes, cutting my bangs, or sorting the tabs on my phone when I have more pressing matters

I became aware of this problem a while ago when speaking to a therapist, did I buy a book to help me regulate my emotions? yes

did I read it? no

when will i read it ? who knows

dr. really putted the finger where it hurts, i think i really got to work on that

that was also said in some of the videos, 9w1’s are scared to be a burden or to be a burden because our biggest inner fear is being rejected by the ones we love

deep down I know that it is very true -nothing can keep people from leaving me

but what’s interesting would be to discover why do I harbor this fear of abandonment? Why do I crave safety so desperately? nobody really abandoned me, nor left me, I never had problems making friends, so where does it come from? I’m going to look into that during the several hours of reflections I have during my nightly reflections

I thought I had myself all figured out, that I’ve spent too much time pondering my identity, my values, and desires Yet life just keeps impressing me and putting me in situations where I have to work on myself again and evolve

its like rediscovering myself, or building a new version of me

I do not want to die knowing I haven’t achieved the final version of me; I want to reach my full potential

but I'm so thrown between the melissa who strives for greatness and has all of those crazy goals and the melissa who wants to rot in bed and do absolutely nothing - a topic for another rant

[storm-of-saturn]

If you could design your dream life for the next 10 years, what would it look like? And be honest—are you actually working on it, or just hoping for a miracle?

It’s a little tricky, I gotta admit. I’ll do my best.

Right now, I’m in a numb state, a little lost about what’s next in my life, but it’s something I’m working on.

My dream life— if I’ve already found my person, I hope we’re living together. So, if everything works out and we’re on the same mindset, having kids, raising them together, dedicating the time they deserve. And if we feel it’s not the right moment, then valuing our time as a couple, discovering a little more about each other every day—traveling, dancing in the kitchen, having endless conversations, from the silliest to the deepest. Just enjoying being and living together, with or without kids.

If not, I hope to be working on something I truly love, where time doesn’t consume me. Enjoying my family and friends, discovering new places, different hobbies, staying true to myself and what I believe in.

In any version of my future, I see myself with pets and plants I’m capable of taking care of, living in a place that radiates peace and love, where, despite all possible challenges, I can be immensely happy. No matter where life takes me, I want to feel that every day is worth it.

Work hard or wait for a miracle?

Sometimes, I hope for a miracle—to wake up at 16 again and suddenly know how to live. But the truth is, as I grow, I keep discovering more about myself, my dreams keep changing, and I keep evolving.

Right now, I’m working on discovering myself, truly listening to myself, so that every decision I make is 100% aligned with my soul.

What does your dream life look like?

In the end, I answered your question based on my reality. I hope you like my answer. If you have more questions, feel free to ask.

[shrutyarvind]

When we meet someone with whom we feel deeply connected—someone who brings us peace in ways we did not even realize we were missing—it is both beautiful and terrifying. There is a comfort in finding a person who aligns with us mentally, physically, and emotionally, but that comfort is always accompanied by an undercurrent of fear. I tend to overthink, and before I can even fully embrace the connection, my mind is already racing with questions: How long will they stay? Will this feeling last? What if I wake up one day and realize that everything I cherished has slipped through my fingers? The uncertainty is unsettling because nothing in life is permanent, and no matter how much I may want to hold on, I know that people come and go. Some departures are gradual, some are abrupt, and some leave scars that never truly fade. I have always believed that everyone who enters our lives is there for a reason—whether to teach us something, to help us grow, or, as they say in anime, to contribute to our “character development.” But the truth is, most of these so-called character developments are unwanted. Growth is often painful, and life has a way of making even the simplest joys feel like they must be earned through struggle. Sometimes, I wish I could just exist in the happiness of the moment without the looming fear that it is temporary.

There are certain people I would love to keep in my life forever, and there are those whose lives I hope to be a part of in the same way. But is that even possible? Life is unpredictable, and relationships are constantly evolving. Some people fade away despite our best efforts, while others remain even when we least expect it. I do not want to become the person who clings too tightly, who suffocates something beautiful by fearing its loss before it even has a chance to flourish. At the same time, I do not want to be indifferent—I do not want to pretend that people are replaceable when they are not. I understand that it is my own burden, my own insecurity, that makes me question things before they have even begun. It is not fair to let my past experiences dictate every new relationship or friendship, and I know that. I do not want to constantly bring my fears into conversations, nor do I want to live in the shadow of past disappointments. It is easy to let old wounds shape our expectations, but I do not want to let them define my future. People are different, and every connection has its own unique story. Maybe, instead of assuming the worst, I should focus on appreciating the present for what it is.

I am trying. I am trying to have a more positive outlook, to trust that not everyone will leave, and that even if they do, it does not mean that the time spent together was meaningless. I want to reach a point where I do not second-guess every good thing that comes my way. I want to be able to stop in the middle of a walk and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the way I used to when I did not carry the weight of these fears. There was a time when I lived more freely, when I did not question every good feeling, and I hope I can return to that version of myself. Maybe the key is not in trying to control who stays and who goes, but in learning to appreciate the moments we are given without letting the fear of loss overshadow them. People will come and go, but that does not mean that every connection is doomed from the start. Some people will stay longer than expected, and some may even stay for a lifetime. I do not know what the future holds, but I want to believe that there are still moments of peace, moments of love, and moments of pure, unfiltered happiness ahead of me. And when they come, I hope I will be able to embrace them fully—without fear, without doubt, and without hesitation.

[lumilasi]

Sorry about the Dad Curse, it sounds very terminal indeed, 6 cases? My condolenses /jk

(gotta love Good Evil Dads thou, they are fun!)

It truly is, I will never escape it. If I ever even consider making a (male) villain, sooner or later he evolves into a Dad. And, actually, typically they lose the whole "being evil villain" for the most part too lmao, so sorry about that!

TBF though, there is kind of a reason for this I think, outside me just having some character story/type preferences that lead to this outcome a lot; since I am not making a story/comic book and just draw stuff randomly, there is no real end to anything, and I personally need villains to get their comeuppance. But, that's just not gonna happen if there is no "End" so to speak, so....I don't feel like keeping villains around lmao (I also find myself not wanting to draw any characters of mine much if they are pure villains? They kind of would need a framing of a consistent story to make me draw them apparently, something I am not currently doing)

It's always been like this for me when I think about it? Like I initially assumed this trend started thanks to my Dad-AFO fics, but I'm now realizing that no, I did this loooong before my fandom phase was a thing lol.

I think the first case like this was probably Alexander.

(this guy)

Bc If I recall right, the first incarnation of his that had kids, was in fact a villain....and I just couldn't keep him that way, this was already over ten years ago. (Also the villain stint was the only version of him that had short hair. Didn't like that look at all, it should've been a sign that take was not it for me lol)

Also, the other cases I was referring to in the tags to that post this tag was about, bc apparently I'm on the mood to ramble about this:

Jurou Alistair Blackthorne - his original take was supposed to be the story antagonist. instead he became the antihero dad, now more of a protagonist dad

Harrow Blackthorne - Jurou's dad was initially supposed to be kind of a bad, terrible father, but instead I ended up with extroverted Theater kid who loves his son, wife, and grandbabies VERY much and is willing to murder for them - and did end up in jail for said murder lol

Lawrence Faydream - started out as an evil, delusional spirit possessing the actual dad of Ava in the OG story, now is the dad, and while he IS the antagonist in a way, he is not villain or evil, just terribly misguided and struggling to deal with his own emotional trauma. Part of the whole deal is for him to eventually repair his relationships with his loved ones.

Amaros/Shaell Amaros - Started out (10 years ago) as kind of an antagonistic evil scientist Deity, now is a more benevolent if mysterious figure - and yes he is a dad. Though his sons don't know he is their dad, them figuring this out is part of that story.

Kuromoya Murasaki - while not an actual dad and was never meant as an antagonist, he has an evil-ish streak, and it only started to soften when I ended up making him the primary parental figure/honorary dad for a teen chimera called Yago. (considered teen among their kind, technically has existed for far longer. Lifespans in their world are often measured in centuries)

Angus Belmont: Started out as one of my more sinister villains in the OG story, (and I still kinda miss that version NGL,) but then Clover appeared, and BOOM, now he's a foster parent turned adoptive dad. And MUCH less evil and actually pretty decent person, even if he doesn't believe so himself....

Latest case: Cornel Sala. He has no actual kids (yet) but with the way his character is developing, I'm starting to think his relationship with Vee/Vincent might end up being different from what I planned, AND I have vague design concepts for Daughters he could have with Camilla in the future. Because ofc my brain would do this.

....Okay I had even more than six, because OFC I did. Guess I'll plop some pics at the end of all the characters mentioned, so this is not just a wall of text: (they are in order)

(Side note: Kuromoya isn't normally blue, that's just his Soul Eater form, or the current one anyway. I need to design him and his sis & dad new ones, now that I have proper design rules established for how they work)

[khloeblair]

Reflection:

So we all start in nonphys, then decide to show up here.

Why would entities who can fabricate any reality choose this brand of uncertainty, of delayed expansion?

Being the version of myself I am right now, I’m pretty pissed at the idea of not having had any say.

But I suspect prior to entering this body, I was highly eager.

I know everyone else was, too.

I just wish I knew why.

The alleged entity of Orin was said to have indicated that we are approaching bodies of light.

Humanity is in the process of making an evolutionary leap. Your energy bodies are evolving; you are gaining a spiritual shimmer and new energies in your aura as you grow spiritually. Because the new human will have a body of light that is able to vibrate at a higher frequency and radiate light, you, your children, and your grandchildren will bring a transformation of consciousness beyond anything you can now imagine.

I have mixed feelings about Orin. I was once under the impression he was trying to take Seth's place in my life, so they must be highly aware of one another.

That aside, I am going to disagree with Orin.

Perhaps there will one day be a version of humans who can radiate light from their bodies as a result of instant physical manifestation abilities.

However, Seth has made it clear that there are many opportunities for rivalry or contradiction in nonphys existence (which makes sense, as we will not lose our sense of preferences).

So it seems to me then what happens upon re-emergence is less about finding excuses to love one another and more about being capable of instant creation.

Interestingly, I do think our nonphys portions are experiencing instant manifestations of our physically-oriented intentions.

If that’s truly the case, then this must be the sandbox where we go to strengthen our existence.

We’re all in a physical gym of sorts. Given a plethora of options, we’re identifying concepts, perspectives, intentions, and emotional feeling places that compose our core being.

In an environment where the option to pursue multiple intentions is especially limited, we are forced to prioritize those intentions which are of greatest importance to us.

It is difficult for me to blend, but I suppose these varieties of epiphanies had to cost someone something eventually.

I will not identify as a martyr, because we share the cost.

I suffer by having trouble getting along with those who walk into a room already hating me, and everyone suffers by my being difficult to manage due to many, many misunderstandings on both sides.

Maybe being nice isn’t the issue anymore.

It’s certainly enjoyable, but expansion would slow down if we were all consistently nice to one another.

I do not know which is of greater importance, and I guess that is for all of us to decide both individually and collectively.

So the last couple of times I’ve been fired were not about me, they were about the people doing the firing.

There’s a specific type of personality I do not mix well with, and that seems to be the variety who is offended by eagerness to be good at my job.

I hope that not everyone thinks that way.

Mostly I hope to be a pleasant energy to have around.

I will have to follow the written rules, and will not be able to decipher anything unwritten.

So if any unwritten things could be verbally communicated with me, I will take note.

Back to the main topic.

We're here to discover more of what we like, more of who and what we want to be as nonphys entities.

And yes, people do change people, because they demonstrate their own behaviors which lead us to identify our own likes and dislikes.

[dawn-of-tomorrow]

Wanshi/Banji : Fate (Voicelines)

Construct Acquisition: Nice to meet you, I’m Wanshi from the Strike Hawk squad. Is this gonna be another troublesome mission…? I’m so exhausted… zzz…

LVL Up: Feeling a bit more lively… I think.

Promotion: If this is how you show your approval, then, perhaps I can accept this.

Evolve: Looks like I’ll have to take things just a bit more seriously now.

Skill Enhancement: Reloaded, prepared, examined, hah-- about time I take a break and sleep.

Equipment: Accuracy, range, ammunition capacity… it’s a reliable firearm.

Added to the squad: Huff-haaaa… time to get back to work.

Appointed as captain: If you’re the Captain, then does that mean you get a longer rest time…? I see, looks like that’s not the case, huh.

Mission Complete: Hah… then, is it alright if I go take a nap now?

Daily Conversation 1: (Yawn)...

Daily Conversation 2: Is there trouble brewing again? Mn...(yawn)… Captain Chrome should be on standby back at base right now, and there ought to be about 5 more minutes left till the next mission starts.

Daily Conversation 3: Reclaim the Earth and defeat the Punishing. What a lofty goal, that is…

Daily Conversation 4: “As long as you have the resolve, then everything will go well”… From whom did you hear this? Kamui?

Daily Conversation 5: I think the location of the base’s break room is… yeah, I remember it now.

Daily Conversation 6: The “wish-granting machine” setting only works for children, you know. Are you a child or what?

Daily Conversation 7: You want to see how I look when I’m serious? It’d probably be for the best if you were to never encounter any situation where I have to give it my all, at least that’s what I hope for.

Daily Conversation 8: What? You want to know… if it’s possible for a Construct to see the Commandant in a dream? …Mn, yes.

Daily Conversation 9: Looks like we meet again, Commandant. Hm? When was that, you ask? It was last night when I was already in bed… ah, Captain, please stop hitting me, I was just kidding; I was talking about my dreams, we met in my dreams!

Daily Conversation 10: Presumably, a Construct has no definite lifespan, meaning that the emotional data within their sea of consciousness will only continue to grow and accumulate. It’s almost like a never-ending, infinitely-expanding dream… rather interesting, isn’t it?

Daily Conversation 11: It’s because of you that this foreboding world I keep waking up to doesn’t seem so bad.

Daily Conversation 12: What incredible recovery abilities… oh, no, I wasn’t talking about Liv; I was referring to you, Commandant.

Daily Conversation 13: … Since I’m usually lazy and listless, when do I usually get serious, you ask? Right now, I’m serious about you.

Daily Conversation 14: You are the beautiful eternal dream I have fallen into ever since the very beginning, and one I do not wish to wake up from. This isn’t an excerpt from anything in the Captain’s book collection, nor is it something I’m saying casually. … I’m completely serious.

Daily Conversation 15: Whenever you’re here… I don’t feel like closing my eyes at all, how odd.

Increased Trust 1: If there’s nothing else at the moment, then can I go to the break room now?

Increased Trust 2: How utterly troublesome…

Increased Trust 3: I can sleep almost anywhere, and at anytime, to the point that… (snoozes)

Increased Trust 4: Do you want me to pass this on to the Captain, or is this for Kamui? It’s for me…?

Increased Trust 5: Whenever I spar with the Captain, I can’t help but get serious, and as a result I end up burning through my energy consumption and get extremely tired afterwards…

Increased Trust 6: I’m truly grateful.

Increased Trust 7: Exhaustion? There’s no such thing. Regardless of how troublesome the problem or the situation is, it’s all just a matter of how time-consuming it is.

Increased Trust 8: Cuddling with you to sleep every day…? … Just how much has Kamui told you, honestly…

Increased Trust 9: Compared to reaching for such lofty ambitions, it’s far more difficult to protect the things you really care about. That’s why, Gray Raven Commandant, you really are incredible.

Increased Trust 10: What you give to me belongs to me alone. That’s why, please don’t give others the same thing.

Increased Trust 11: You look like you’d be perfect to hold close and sleep with… Hm? What’s wrong Captain? [You can’t go and say things like that]? It’s not like I meant anything strange with what I just said… Huh? What did I mean by strange? Well…

Increased Trust 12: What I want? Hm… A new pillow, eye mask, an enhanced version of my resting cabin, and… you.

Increased Trust 13: A wish-granting device, a place to return to (refuge), resting cabins… hah, these are all these features I’d like to add for the sake of a certain someone.

Increased Trust 14: The gift you’re giving me isn’t you this time either?

Increased Trust 15: I've finally found a reason to keep waking up from my lonely dream.

Increased Trust 16: My return gift is right in front of you. Yeah, it’s this tall, and this big… you can’t miss it, right?

Idle/Ignored 1: Zzz…

Idle/Ignored 2: Too tired to even move… eh? The Commandant as well?

Idle/Ignored 3: Seems like the Commandant is also the type of person who needs to take breaks on occasion.

Idle/Ignored 4: Tired? There’s still space left in Strike Hawk’s resting cabins. I won the right to use it for an entire year.

Idle/Ignored 5: I’ve made a recent discovery. Being able to quietly watch over you is also another effective way of rest and recharging myself.

Long time spent online 1: It seems like the Gray Raven Commandant is the same type of person that Captain Chrome is.

Long time spent online 2: How odd, isn’t being able to rest and sleep the best thing in the world?

Long time spent online 3: It’s time to go to sleep now, good night.

Long time spent online 4: Would you please dream of me…? Since you’ve promised that now, then isn’t it your turn to fulfill my wish from earlier?

Long time spent online 5: Have a good night.

Login 1: If Captain Chrome comes here, can you please tell him you didn’t see me at all? Thanks.

Login 2: “It is precisely because you are yourself that [you] are important; you are important, no matter what, even until the end of time.” ...Heh, it’s nothing. It’s just something I’ve read from one of Captain Chrome’s books.

Login 3: (yawns) Good morning, good afternoon, good evening… one of them’s bound to be the right one, yeah?

Login 4: Since the first thing I saw when I woke up was you, it looks like today’s going to be a good day.

Login 5: Maybe it’s not a bad thing to feel energetic and full of life on occasion, is what I just realized. The reason being, because then I’d be able to do and enjoy a lot more fun things together with you.

Login 6: What a wonderful dream. Well, it’s not entirely wrong either way.

Login 7: I’m having a good dream right now.

Login 8: Whenever I wake up, I see you; and even when I’m in my dreams, I always see you.

Long time offline 1: To think that I’m able to only dream of you… how troubling.

Shake 1: Hey Commandant, have you ever heard of the word “wake up”... hmm?

Shake 2: Medicinal malpractice is strictly prohibited, you know.

Shake 3: Alright, alright, quit fooling around now.

Continuous tap 1: Are you doing a physical examination?

Continuous tap 2: Huhm… please don’t cause a scene here.

Continuous tap 3: Behave yourself now.

Activity MAX: Now that I’ve rested up enough, I feel completely recharged. A bit unusual, but I feel like moving around more now.

Battle begins: (yawns) Let’s get this done quickly so we can go home sooner.

Battle 1: It’s time to sleep, you guys.

Battle 2: How fortunate you are to be able to sleep forever.

Battle 3: I will shoot to kill.

Ultimate: Shooting to kill-- close your eyes, and rest in peace.

Hit: I don’t plan on sleeping early this time.

Serious injury: Going to bed early… though it seems like I woke up a bit too early.

Unable to fight: It’s okay, I’m just… gonna get a good night’s sleep.

Support: Backup, assistance, aiming a killshot.

QTE: Let’s quickly deal with this guy, since it’s an emergency and they like to disturb other people’s sleep.

Battle end: Haah, how exhausting.

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 12 FINALE

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for language Warnings: Nope! Notes: How lovely it has been, to go on this journey with you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to every person who has liked, reblogged, or left a kind comment on this story. Combined, you all have genuinely changed my life. I'm writing more than ever, more consistently, and I'm having a blast. So if you like this story, and wish it wasn't ending, well... maybe don't worry too much. There will be a sequel of sorts, same timeline but new reader, instead focusing on Cassandra. Also oops this is hella long. And mostly dialogue. Past Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Toccata, Pt. 5: Poco a Poco, Pt. 6: Elegy, Pt. 7: Harmony, Pt. 8: Obbligato, Pt. 9: Berceuse, Pt. 10b: Hymn AMAB, Pt 11: Cadence

Chapter 12: Cadence (Reprise)

(Cadence: Two chords that mark the end of a song)

Truth be told, she had never expected much of anything to come from this. ‘Twas not that she thought her daughter to be talentless, or that she denied the capabilities of the servant-turned-teacher, rather that she knew just how difficult it was to keep Daniela’s attention for any measure of time. Even as the weeks went by with undeniable progress, there was a part of her awaiting the collapse of it all. How long would this instructor last? How long before they were drained of blood, either for some perceived insult, or merely out of boredom? Surely, in the end, Alcina would not need to lift a single finger.

And yet here she was, at the end of a concert, pride roaring within her chest. What had she missed? What clues had eluded her, what had changed within her child’s nature? She knew that there were hints of deeper affections, fragments of a would-be love, but she had thought them miniscule. Thought that those feelings were doomed to crash and burn, unable to live up to the expectations set by decades of romance novels. Well, maybe they had failed. Maybe, somehow, Alcina had missed something else entirely.

The thought might have sent a shiver down her spine, if she weren’t so readily distracted by praising her youngest child… or by the looming shadow of a life-changing revelation.

“Mother… we need to talk. I… I have a confession to make,” Daniela explains, hesitantly slow, but with a conviction she rarely ever showed. Taken aback by the unexpected announcement, Alcina pauses, silently awaiting some form of elaboration. Instead, Daniela takes her hand, pulling her towards a set of chairs. They sit gingerly, each feeling the weight of terrifying possibilities upon their shoulders. When she at last continues speaking, she does so without a trace of showmanship or false bravado, trading it in for heartfelt sincerity. “I love them. All of this- these lessons, this concert- has been for them. For my sweet, innocent little songbird.” So here it was, the birthplace of her fears, brought forth from her mind into reality.

“I was afraid you would say that,” Alcina muses, leaning back into the chair with a deep sigh. Something itches in the back of her throat, and she yearns for her pipe, or even just a normal cigarette to distract herself. Without one, she is left to metaphorically chew on her thoughts. Realistically, there has to be some way to deal with this, some way that she can convince her daughter of the sheer foolishness of this mess. “Daniela… how can I put this in a way you will understand, hmm?… The two of you have only known each other for three months. There is no chance that you truly love them, or them you. How close can you possibly have become?”

“When have I cared about anything for three whole months? I dedicated myself to-” Daniela is cut off by the sound of the door opening, revealing the rest of her little family. It was guaranteed that they would have heard the conversation from outside, seeing as they were all inhuman, though they perhaps intended to intervene. A single hard glance from both of the room’s occupants convinces them to change their minds. “Wait, Ava, can you get us some tea, please? Something tells me I’ll need a soothing drink soon.” Hesitating in the doorway, the butler in question eyes the both of them, naturally tempted to stay and fill the role of a therapist.

“I do believe my daughter gave you an order, Ava. Don’t tell me you have forgotten the stipulations of your agreement with Mother Miranda?” Alcina interjects. With that said, the butler finally moves, exiting with an apologetic bow. An awkward silence hangs in the air once xe closes the door behind xerself, as Daniela takes a moment to recall her place.

“Three months is a long time for me. I put all of my energy towards both them and what they taught me, almost every single day. Even when their work kept them busy for too long, I still practiced, because I wanted to make them proud! For all my flirting, I’ve never bonded with anyone this way before now,” she says, hating the way her voice gets a little shaky. No matter how much confidence she has in her own writing, it is another thing entirely to be convincing out loud, with a truth she had been hiding for so long. All of her practice had been with lies. Now she had to contest with the hope that the strength of her emotions would be enough. “That song we played together, at the end, they wrote that for me. Doesn’t that mean something?”

“Oh, my dear… I want you to be happy more than anything. But we both know that your ‘history’ is stained with a number of incidents. You have always been absorbed within those books you read, and the fantasies that they provide for you. It is one thing to enjoy these stories on the side, but another matter entirely to let them corrupt your relations with others. As your mother, it is my duty to keep you safe, first and foremost,” Alcina proclaims, sitting up straighter, trying not to let her frown evolve into a full out scowl. Beneath the table, her hands ball into fists, clutched tight to stop herself from breaking the table. In the back of her mind she could think of little other than dismembering that damned piano instructor. Focusing on the discussion at hand, she takes a deep breath before finalizing her point. “You don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, nor what it feels like. Your books are not ideal models for reference. One- or both- of you are going to end up suffering, and that is something I cannot allow, regardless of how ‘happy’ they make you before then.”

“You’re right,” Daniela whispers in defeat… or a feigned version of it. A split second later she’s making eye contact with her mother again, lips curling up into a smile. “I didn’t want to admit it, especially not to someone as attractive, talented, and charming as my Songbird, but I didn’t have to. They understood from the very start. We talked about it, about my expectations and my shitty behavior, and we worked on it. We’re still working on it. Maybe there will be bumps along the way, just like in every relationship, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it in the end. What we have is still real, and they make me want to be a better woman. I know they’ve already helped me make the change.”

Once more the door opens, making the conversation pause, as Ava near-silently brings in the requested tea. If a pin had dropped at that moment, it would have felt as ear-shattering loud as a gong. Every second that passed felt like it dragged on, stretched out by the tension in the room, as though xe was moving in slow motion. The ‘clink’ of ceramic against the table makes xer flinch, almost spilling the tea. Neither Alcina nor Daniela react, or even acknowledge xer presence with anything more than their eyes, instead remaining impassive until xe makes a hasty retreat.

“Use what you’ve learned on someone else, then. Perhaps another one of Miranda’s experiments will someday provide a suitable match. But this ‘songbird’ of yours? They’re nothing. A human, a servant, they are not worth your time, nor are they worth mine. No matter what words or songs they weave, or illusions of grandeur they show you, you will end up getting bored of them. I’m afraid it is inevitable, my dear,” Alcina says, as soon as the door is closed once more. Then she attends to her tea, with the composure of someone convinced that they had just won an argument. On the other hand, Daniela was not so quick to give in, some of her worry melting into anger.

“How can you say that? How can you be sure? We were all human, once! Even Mother Miranda was human. And my Songbird is no mere human- they are wondrous, with flowery prose and lovely melodies, with soft-lipped smiles and reassuring eyes, and don’t even get me started on how beautiful they are!” She rambles, voice getting louder with every word. All at once it is too much for Alcina, who sets down her glass a little too hard, nostrils flaring as she stares at her daughter. When Daniela speaks again, she does so with love coating her tone. “We have weathered each other’s anxieties with no signs of stopping. I promised that we would weather yours.”

“I only want you to be happy. I need you to understand where I am coming from. This may be your longest lasting infatuation so far, but you have yet to honestly convince me that this is any different from your past ‘distractions’. I’m sorry, Daniela, I simply cannot allow this to continue,” Alcina sighs, hating to break her youngest daughter’s heart like this. There was only one thing that Daniela had yet to try. Maybe two, if she was willing to resort to begging.

“Can’t you trust me enough to give us a chance? Cassandra of all people seems to understand. Bela went as far as to lie to you, for our sake! She never does anything she thinks will hurt me, or you, or any of us. Please, mother, please. How can you ever know if what I have will last, if you cut it down now? Are you going to wait forever for some ‘perfect candidate’ for me? And what if that person loves someone else? Or what if the ‘perfect’ person doesn’t exist! What if we’re stuck waiting for them like Mother Miranda waits for another child, hmm? Would you have me spend another century alone, my only memory of genuine romance being poisoned by the thought that you broke us apart?” Daniela’s words ring throughout the chamber, echoing a damning accusation, somehow more bitter than the taste they left in her mouth.

All at once, Alcina’s heart takes a hit like no other. Her hands damn-near tremble, her lungs ache, her lips purse, and her brow furrows. So be it, she thinks.

“Bring this ‘Songbird’ here. Let me talk to them.”

—————————

Goddess, you are practically vibrating at the speed of sound, palms sweaty, nervousness trashing your mind. What the hell had Daniela done? Last thing you knew, she was determined to keep your secret, even if meant being unable to celebrate with you. But now you were getting tugged along by her, while tears threatened to spill from her eyes. She had said something about “mother” and “important”. That was all the context that you had been given. When you round one last corner, pulling up in front of Lady Dimitrescu’s study, you are shown a sight that somehow makes you feel worse: Bela, Cassandra, and Ava are all resting outside of the room. They appear exhausted, and motion for you to be quiet as you approach.

“They’ve been listening in on our conversation,” Daniela admits with a whisper. Then she’s pulling you into the study, ensuring that the door doesn’t open wide enough for the eavesdroppers to get spotted. Something told you that Alcina was already well aware of their presence. “Alright, mother, here is my Songbird. What did you want to ask us?”

“Daniela… leave us. My questions are for ‘Songbird’ alone,” Alcina replies, seemingly confirming the absolute worst of your fears. This was where you would die. By her hand, without your lover by your side, after what could have been the happiest night of your life. Of course. But Daniela is not willing to go without a fight. As soon as the words leave her mother’s mouth, she is moving between the two of you, just as she had when she first called you her teacher. Before she can speak, her mother stands up and stares her down. “Don’t make me ask again- there will not be a third time.” When she still hesitates, it is your turn to be brave.

“Hey, it’s okay, we’ll be okay,” you promise her, reaching out to take her hand. Instantly she’s returning to your side, hand cupping your cheek, eyes filled to the brim with sadness. “Firefly… ‘Tell me love, we shall last until the end of days’. I love you. Nothing is going to change that, not now, not ever. We’ll be okay.” Maybe not now, you think, but you’ll be okay eventually. Cassandra and Bela, and Ava I suppose, will make sure of it.

“Okay. We’ll last until the end of days. I love you too,” Daniela says, swallowing the lump in her throat. With one last kiss she pulls away, wishing that her departure didn’t feel so much like a betrayal. She pauses in the doorway, meeting your gaze, unable to bring herself to move until you give her an accepting nod. The door swings into place with a click, sealing the room and your fate.

“So,” Alcina begins, returning to her seat as she does. For now you stay standing, unsure of just about every part of this situation, especially your upcoming role in it. “You have been deceiving me. That alone is a crime worthy of severe punishment, and yet you stooped so low as to do far, far more. I had hoped you had, somehow, managed to teach my daughter a real lesson, that you had inspired a love of music in her, that you had made an honest difference in the way she learns. But all this time… it has been nothing more than a ruse.” The last word comes out dipped in venom, acidic enough to make you flinch. Thankfully, your beloved was not the only person who had a gift with words. More than that, this was a topic that you had spent numerous nights thinking about, making you as prepared as you could ever hope to be.

“You know, as much as I desire to claim that I am that interesting, or that Daniela felt so strongly from the very start, I can do no such thing. The truth is this: Music is what brought us together in the first place. It was the catalyst for our first real interaction, the first time she ever looked at me as more than just another servant or bloodbag. We bonded because of it, and so when we went to play together, to learn, Daniela honestly did connect to it,” you explain, despite the fire in Alcina’s expression. To your surprise, she does not interrupt you, and you take it as permission to keep going. Which was very good, considering that being nervous only made you ramble more. “Music is something we’ve shared for the entirety of our relationship. Even if it’s not something she would do much of on her own, I know that she’s grown to care for it more than she might be willing to admit. And, well…

“Even if you decide that what I’ve done is unforgivable, even if I’m destined to die within the hour, I know in my heart that everything the two of us worked on still matters. Because, like it or not, she is capable of growth, of change, of progress. And even if I die, someone else will come afterwards. Daniela will get to use music as a way to forge connections for the rest of her life, now that she knows it works, now that she knows how it works. And every goddamn time that she plays, or Bela plays, or you play, she’s going to remember me. She’ll remember every moment we spent together, every piece we ever played. I’ll live on in the melodies we made. In the song that you can’t quite place, that gets stuck on loop in your head. In the song the maids sing to themselves between shifts. In the quiet evening when the rain against the window feels so much like a familiar rhythm that your daughters can’t help but start humming along, without even thinking, muscle memories in sync.”

“Are you trying to convince me that there’s no point in killing you? That, regardless, you will be in my life until the end of time?” Alcina’s eyes are narrowed, but there isn’t even a hint of anger in her tone. Just curiosity.

“No, not really. Guess I’m just making peace with my fate the best way I know how- by remembering the echoes I’ll leave behind,” you answer, pausing to wipe a few tears from your eyes. All you can think about is how much Daniela will miss you. How much pain you think she’ll go through. Because at this point, who are you trying to fool with your hope? Yourself, or the people listening?

“Hmm. I think I understand. Now, tell me… what was that you said to my daughter a minute ago, before she left the room? It sounded familiar, though I cannot place it,” Alcina questions, idly toying with her glass of tea. You’re not entirely sure why it matters to her, but you have no qualms delaying the inevitable by answering. Besides, it was a chance to talk about how much you loved Daniela (and you’d never skip such an opportunity).

“It’s a line from a poem she wrote for me. “Tell me love, we shall last until the end of days”. A promise. The song Daniela and I played together… I wrote it in response. My way of doing what she asked of me, I guess. Like I said, she’ll always have the music we shared,” you answer, unable to stop yourself from smiling.

“Damn this… I can hardly believe I am asking this, yet I feel I have no choice: Tell me, do you love my daughter? Do you honestly, with your entire being, desire a future with her? Or was this a game of survival you couldn’t afford to lose, that turned out to be more ‘fun’ than you had anticipated? Show me your heart, as it is, bare as it would be if I tore it from your chest, this very moment.” There’s no room for argument in her voice, using the very same tone she reserved for maidens who got a tad too close to refusing her.

“Alright. It was a game. At first. Daniela wanted a distraction, something to entertain her. I didn’t want to die, like I had heard so many of her ‘playmates’ did. I can’t tell you when things changed, at least not for her,” you confess, with a shaky breath. Did that make you a monster? One worthy of death? If so, you wondered if it actually made you more fit to date Daniela. “For me… I just remember her smiling wide at me, hand on my cheek, having just cracked some lame joke. Next thing I knew, well, I knew. We had a spark of something, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to make her happy, you know? All the sudden there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I just wanted to see that smile again, everyday for the rest of my life.

“To answer your question: Yes. Goddess, yes. A thousand times yes. A ‘yes’ for every smile she’s ever shown me, for every butterfly in my stomach, for every time she’s held my hand, for every breath she’s stolen from my lungs, and for every single time my heart has skipped a beat in her name. I love her. I know we haven’t been together long, but the things I feel are undeniable. I will give her every part of myself, for as long as she wants me, for as long as I am blessed to live,” you pour your heart out, weaving your heartbeat into every turn of phrase, spilling your lifeblood onto the very conversation.

“And what will you do if she does change her mind? If she grows bored of you, as she has done with a dozen others?” Alcina counters without hesitation.

“I will weep. I will fall to my knees, and mourn this beautiful thing. But I will cherish every memory she leaves to me. Every moment where I am hers is a moment worth living, worth remembering. It will be better to have loved her with all my heart for a little slice of her immortality, than to love another, lesser so, for all of my life.” With that, Alcina sets her empty glass of tea onto the table, eying you with an unreadable expression. Something seems to stir in her chest, and at last the mask crumbles. She smiles.

“I see. Daniela, you may come back in now. Do not bother pretending that you have not been eavesdropping.” Not even a full second passes before the door opens, revealing a shaking Daniela, both of her sisters quite visible behind her (though they quickly move out of frame, leaving behind Ava, who gives a cheesy thumbs up as the door closes in xer face). She rushes to your side, taking your hand, looking stunned that you were still alive. But what shocks her more is what her mother says… “Of all the women I have ever known, family or otherwise, you are, perhaps, the most determined. Normally only in… ‘spurts’. Yet here you are, defying what I have come to expect of you. It almost feels as if I have been fooling myself this whole time, falsely believing that there is more than one possible outcome. So, ‘Songbird’, I say this: Three months ago, I agreed to give you a chance to prove yourself worthy of my daughter, for the sake of her happiness. Now, I suppose it is only fair that I do so once more.”

“Wait. Are you saying-” Daniela is once again cut off by her mother, who seems eager to avoid a trademark rant.

“Yes, yes I am. For the time being, the two of you have my blessing. I cannot say that I am entirely convinced of your chances at success, but, having seen the strength of your affections for one another, I sincerely hope that you will prove me wrong. Now come here, Daniela. I never got to finish telling you what I thought of your concert…”

—————————

In the glowing comfort of your girlfriend’s room, with the fireplace keeping things warm and cozy, you lay with your head against Daniela’s chest. One of her hands absentmindedly plays with your hair, and you release a sigh of bliss. Ava had assured you that xe would let Daphne know the good news, as xe thought that having one of the castle ladies visiting the servants’ quarters might cause a stir (and Daniela was far from willing to let go of you so soon). Now the two of you were just enjoying time holding each other close. Regardless of Alcina’s concerns, you knew that everything would be looking up from here. Assuming that Daniela didn’t have any more surprise confessions to involve you with.

“That was one hell of a surprise, Firefly. But I’m glad we don’t have to hide anymore. I love you, and I don’t know how long I could have survived without being open with it,” you say, a light teasing to your voice. Beneath you, Daniela chuckles, but holds you just a bit tighter. Then she places the softest of kisses to your forehead. “I’m always gonna love you, Firefly.”

“Until the end of days?” She asks, in a delighted whisper, grin practically audible.

“Until the end of days.”

—————————

Elsewhere in the castle, a caring mother takes another long, hungry drink from her glass of wine, staring intently into the fireplace. By her side is a silver-haired servant, who wordlessly watches her every move.

“There’s still a chance that this will all end horribly. Only time will tell, of course… but I can’t help worrying for her, she’s my daughter,” Alcina proclaims, gripping the glass hard enough for a web of cracks to form along its bell. But it does not fully shatter. No, it remains just steady enough to still be of use to her. For now. “Of course, you knew about this all along, didn’t you, Ava?... I know that you value how close you are with my children, and I know that they trust in you as much as I do… but if there are relationships or entanglements that I am unaware of, I expect you to tell me, or there will have to be consequences, regardless of your affiliation with Mother Miranda. Do you understand?”

Sighing, the mute servant pulls a notebook from xer pocket, opening it up to pen in a fresh script. There’s much tension in the air, and it only gets worse when Alcina catches a glimpse at what the note reads. As xe hands it to her, she scowls, and the wine glass fully breaks into countless shards. Immediately, Ava gets to work, picking up the largest of fragments with xer bare hands, refusing to complain about the resulting cuts. All the while Alcina stares into the fire, thoughts racing, wondering if maybe this time she could end her daughter’s problem before it was too late. Beginning to brainstorm ideas, she sets the notebook aside. Inside, in perfectly penned cursive, is a very, very dangerous piece of knowledge. The sort that could affect not only Castle Dimitrescu, but the entire village.

“In that case… there’s something you need to know about Cassandra- and Mother Miranda’s lovely little ‘pet’.”

[thetravelingmaster]

Short Story: A Voice in my Head

For months now, I’ve had this voice in my head... At first it was barely a whisper. Something I confused with my own inner voice, but now I know it wasn’t. It started off so innocently.... Small whispers that felt like my own sub-consciousness giving me little boosts of self-esteem. Most of the time, I didn't even hear the words, but the pleasurable push was still felt. For example, ​I would dress myself in a tight little number to go out at the bar and look myself over. Then, the more I would admire myself, the more I would feel microscopic spikes of pleasure... And a sort of whisper in the back of my mind... Complimenting me... What started as sporadic praises eventually evolved to gentle nudging. Soft words that seemed to stick in my thoughts even if I didn't consciously hear them as they echoed in my mind. 

Pretty soon, every time I sat in front of my mirror and started to apply my make up, I would feel it as it offered different combinations shades instead of the ones I was about to use. I didn't always bother to listen or consider the strange and annoying ideas I felt pop in my head, but when I did... I felt this spark of deep joy...

Without really realizing it, that amazing feeling nudged me to listened to the foreign words more and more. When I finally woke up one morning with the conviction that something WAS happening to me, I started to fear that I was possibly going mad! That the whispers I was hearing were some type of mental illness. But I soon disregarded that fear when I realized that voice was only there to help. It was just guiding me. Praising me... Before I truly realized it, the voice was whispering every day. Especially in the mornings when I got ready or in the evenings when I took care of myself. In fact, I suddenly realized one morning, as I listened to the whispers compliment me on my outfit, that I was starting to rely on the voice to know exactly how I should dress. Especially since the voice always seemed to know what was best. And that each time it praised me for following it’s suggestions, I would feel the now familiar joyful high bubble up from deep within me. Of course, I wasn’t a total dummy... I noticed that the voice constantly nudged me towards sexier outfits and skimpier underwear, but I was a good looking girl so why shouldn’t I be proud to show it off? I work hard to maintain my looks so I figured I had to right to enjoy it right? Maybe it was wrong of me to indulge and start relying on the voice and MAYBE I might have been able to change what was happening to me. But at the time, it just felt so easy and good to listen to it’s words and follow it’s lead. More and more I would hear the voice as it continued to guide and praise me during the day. Before I knew it, I was even letting the voice guide my diet and exercise routines! Why wouldn’t I when listening to the voice gave me such a peaceful and docile feeling of happiness? Besides... Each suggestion only served to boost my health and moral. After months, the voice progressively took over my habits until I would actively wait to hear it’s guidance before taking any decision related to my looks or meals. Even if the voice wasn’t my own, I felt like it had become part of me none the less. I’ve never been healthier or sexier in my entire life! If anything, I was extremely grateful to the strange and wonderful voice for keeping me so focused. And so euphorically happy! Every day the voice urged me on and guided me to be prettier and sexier. I found myself almost addicted to the docile joy I felt when ever I agreed or listened to the voice’s increasing demands. So much so that I never even thought to question it when it started to whisper sexual things when I lay down in my bed at night. The calm joy would buzz in my mind as the voice described erotic scenes while I drifted off to sleep. ​I wasn’t always able to fully grasp the scene it was painting for me, but I felt like I could feel it... Experience it... I would wake up in morning having a deep conviction that I had erotic dreams. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for my nights to get a little hotter than they usually were. The voice gently nudged me to touch myself as I listened to it’s erotic voice and like everything it suggested I do, I didn’t fight it and obliged. Which felt even more amazing than when I listened to it’s wardrobe or diet requests. My dreams became clearer and every morning, I would wake up with the most delicious of arousals as it spread to cover my entire body like some warm afternoon sun. And the more I indulged, the longer that feeling lasted as I went about my day... After a few weeks of this, I found myself spending every waking moment in a sort of deliciously docile haze of arousal has the voice in my head spoke to me more and more. Eventually, I started to realize that the voice never suggested that I let my nightly masturbation session find their release. So of course, I ended up edging instead of chasing my pleasure to its rewarding conclusion. Did it play into my euphoric feeling and constant arousal? Most certainly... But the voice didn’t tell me to indulge and make myself cum so I didn’t. In fact, it praised me when ever I got close and stopped myself before the pleasure became too intense. Which only made me happier because I craved the voice’s praise and the euphoria it brought. Somewhere along the line, I had completely fallen for the voice in my head. It’s constant guidance and praise had transformed my life and I felt incredibly grateful that it had. By listening to the voice, I had gained a killer body and spent my entire day on a cloud of constant sensual arousal. I had never been healthier or as beautiful. I felt incredible good about myself and the incredible sex appealed it all generated just served to prove that I had done the right thing by listening to the voice in my head. I had fallen in love with that voice and I didn’t even know who it was. But that was about to change... This morning, the voice finally asked a question. After months of praise and guidance, it actually asked me a question. It never had before... Even when I would find myself talking to it and asking if it liked the outfit I had chosen. Or even before that when I still worried that I was mad and I would ask it point blank who it was and why it was speaking to me. It had always ignored my questions and simply guided and praised... Until today. “Do you wish to meet me?” it asked seductively. I was taken aback by the sudden change. The voice had never been so clear in my mind and I paused to appreciate just how intense is truly was. But I didn't savor it for long. The voice had asked a question and it always felt good to be nice and docile for the voice. It wanted an answer and I wasn't going to deny it. Of course, I said yes. So I listened and obeyed as it called out to me. Guiding me through the city as I made my way to the source of the wonderful voice in my head. Who ever it was... They had guided and nurtured me for months. Slowly chipping out the bad and refining the good so that I became the best and sexiest version of myself. They had been with me every step of the way to praise and help me become what I am today. And it had all felt exquisitely amazing... So naturally, I was determined to explore what ever they had in store for me. I knew I had already submitted to the voice because it had shined a light on the docile euphoria that was struggling to bloom inside me. I knew that the arousal I felt had nothing to do with the physical nature of sexual intercourse because it went so much deeper. I knew that my happiness and joy had everything to do with the owner of the voice in my head because in comparison, I had never been truly as happy as I was now. And as I listened to the voice and slowly undressed before the door it had lead me to, I knew that I had been craving to give myself to the owner of that incredible voice for the last few weeks... Because deep down, I wanted to give myself over to the exquisite freedom of never having to decide anything for myself again...

[writefightandflightclub]

For the "100 Random Questions. Send me a Part & a Number" Part 2, 1 & 8!

Do I believe in aliens?

Short answer: yes and no.

Long answer: Okay. Do I think it’s plausible that somewhere out there, in the vast expanse of space and time, that another / other life form we have yet to encounter may have evolved? Sure. If there are any out there, I’m not sure whether us humans will ever discover them. I would guess that if we do, it’s gonna be more likely we would encounter simple organisms rather than sentient or complex lifeforms. Of course, I’m speculating, so I’ll truly “believe” it firmly if we ever find robust evidence of that!

I don’t believe we have discovered aliens already, that they are living amongst us, or that green beings are visiting from far off galaxies and abducting Earthlings, for example.

If there is a whole Star Wars-esque civilisation out there in the beyond, however, I’m happy to update my thinking, and I call dibs on their version of Poe Dameron, okay? (Ofc if he wanna 😝)

(Fun fact, I used to have nightmares about a pair of telekinetic aliens who had disguised themselves as ABBA members and moved into the gym on the corner of my street. That’s what you get for watching the X Files too young, I guess 🤣!)

Do I believe in ghosts?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Alrighty. So I don’t believe that ghosts are objectively real, and I don’t believe that there are spirits of the deceased around us or that there is an afterlife. However, reality is partially subjective, and so I recognise that ghosts exist insofar as they are a real cultural and psychological phenomenon. I accept that people have had experiences which they would attribute as an encounter with a ghost, according to their cultural reference points, personal belief systems etc. I don’t personally believe that these experiences are a result of supernatural causes; rather a densely complex web of cultural, social, and psychological factors. Humans have an objective reality but also a subjective reality which is rich with various systems of making and ascribing meaning out of the milieu of things which are observed and experienced (and imagined!). We also have evidence that the brain can “see” things which are not materially there. So, I don’t objectively believe in ghosts, no. I have never seen one. I have never seen compelling evidence of their existence. Avoiding getting all ontological on what constitutes reality when there are multiple subjective realities I can understand that people do indeed have subjective experiences of “ghosts”, based on their personal reference points: societal norms and myths, personal and cultural systems of meaning-making, even contextual factors and the power of suggestion, and of course the power of human psychology. I think the ghost question tells us a lot about human nature and it’s super interesting!

(I do have a good story about a ouija board though 😂 And I do enjoy ghost stories and “haunted” houses - I still freak myself out occasionally - and spooky vibes and Halloween and horror films are totally my jam.)

[comradesummers]

Top 5 buffy characters and top 5 angel characters?

Hi, thanks for asking!

Pretty sure that I’ve answered some version of this before but I’m not going to pretend I’m even remotely consistent about these things, so here we are.

Buffy Characters:

5. Rupert Giles

Giles is one of those characters that frustrates me a lot. He’s part of an inherently exploitative system and I’m not sure that, until the final episode, he ever truly extricates himself from that system. The best parts of Giles are his rebellion against the council and the worst parts of him are his ideological ties to them. But that’s what makes him so interesting. Because the man who defies what he’s been taught and loves this group of misfit children like a father is always at odds with the ruthless utilitarian he thinks he has to be. It’s a fascinating series long conflict, and though it’s not always handled as well as I would like, it does always make for a wonderfully flawed but thoroughly lovable character.

4. Willow Rosenberg

Willow is a character I struggle with because she’s the one that reminds me the most of myself. Some of these similarities are rather superficial: we’re both Jewish lesbians that pride ouselves on our academic merits. But on a deeper level, I find Willow’s insecurity and her desperate need to appear strong and important and worthy at all costs to be so painfully relatable that I have a hard time engaging with her at all. I don’t need to explain how incredible her storyline is over seven seasons, how much she grows and changes and evolves, because you know all that already. There’s no denying she’s an incredible character. And the fact that she resonates so deeply with me to the point that she makes me uncomfortable is maybe the best demonstration of what a good character she is.

3. Faith Lehane

Faith was initially introduced as the dark mirror to Buffy (which is why I believe her to be fundamentally tied to BtVS in a way that she isn’t to AtS). But her great accomplishment throughout Buffy and Angel was her evolution into her own character, separate from Buffy. And that’s also Faith’s character arc. At first, she is only able to compare herself with Buffy. She’s angry and jealous of Buffy because she believes that Buffy has everything that she never had and rightfully deserves. And, in many ways, she’s right to be angry. Yet her choice to direct her anger and resentment towards Buffy, as opposed to the real culprits (the council for one, along with all of the adults in her life) is what leads her to destroy herself. It’s only after she’s able to recognize her own self-worth outside of Buffy that she can truly do good and be good and be with Buffy. It’s a remarkable journey to behold and I love her so much.

2. Tara Maclay

I liked Tara well enough before season 6, but season 6 was when I fell completely in love with her. She becomes the show’s anchor that season as the only responsible adult who’s making good decisions, even when those decisions are extremely painful for her, like breaking up with Willow. And in a season dedicated to every other character fucking up, she’s truly a breath of fresh air. But more than just her function as a contrast to the other characters, season 6 really emphasized for me how beautifully and subtly she had developed throughout the show. Her ability to stand up to Willow is such a stark contrast to the Tara who was unable to stand up to her father (not that I’m blaming her for not being able to confront her abuser, I’m just pointing out how the contrast between these scenes demonstrates amazing growth on Tara’s part). Tara initially has no sense of self-worth, but as she develops, she comes to understand her own value and refuses to allow anyone to diminish it. It’s a beautiful, lovely story, and I will forever be bitter that she didn’t get the happy ending she so richly deserved.

1. Buffy Summers

Buffy Summers is my favorite fictional character of all time, as is evident by pretty much every single post on this blog.

Angel Characters:

5. Winfred Burkle

I have some issues with Fred. This is mainly because Joss Whedon’s obsession with this particular type of nerdy and adorable female characters makes me uncomfortable. But Amy Acker is a great actress and I can’t help but find her charming regardless. I think the episode that really sold me on Fred was Fredless. Like, the idea that she can’t face her parents because she doesn’t want to admit to them or to herself what she’s gone through is really heartbreaking. It’s the first time I was able to see Fred as more of a character than a caricature and I realized that I really liked that character. Also, fuck the writers for killing off their only remaining female character just so that Wesley could manpain about it.

4. Lilah Morgan

Lilah is by far the best villain on the show. She was, with very few exceptions, one of the only bad guys who was actually fun to watch. I particularly love that the writers never felt the need to redeem her in order to make her sympathetic. And she is sympathetic. You feel for her a whole lot, probably because Stephanie Romanov is such a pro. But she’s still a terrible, evil person through and through and I love that for her. Why the writers thought it would be a good idea to kill her off is truly beyond me.

3. Lorne

Another character who deserved better (sensing a theme here). Lorne is such an interesting, layered character with a wonderfully bizarre backstory and an interesting way of seeing the world. Yet, despite how wonderful he is, he was always pushed to the background to further another character’s story. And that’s not even mentioning whatever the writers thought they were doing with him in season 5. Also, why couldn’t he have been openly queer? Anyway, RIP Andy Hallet, who was an absurdly talented man who managed to create this incredible character in spite of all the writers’ bullshit. 

2. Charles Gunn

Gunn was never just the muscle. The man ran a neighborhood watch/vampire hunting ring while he was still in his early 20′s (I assume? Do we actually know how old he is?). He’s a strategist and a leader in his community. He’s funny and charming and a good man and he deserved so much more love and care and development because he’s truly a fascinating character. But all the writers saw was a black guy who made quips and I am still so angry about it. Anyway, I love Gunn, he is, by far, the best man on the show and possibly in the entirety of the Buffyverse.

1. Cordelia Chase

Cordelia was pretty much the only reason I decided to watch Angel. She’s the best part of the whole show, her character growth is absolutely phenomenal, and I love how she grows as a person while still remaining wholly herself. I love her so much and I’ll forever be bitter about what the writers did to her and how terribly Whedon treated Charisma Carpenter.

[littleabriel-blog]

My Problem with Loki

Loki is a character beloved by many people. He has been for a decade now, although some people who read comics before the Marvel Cinematic Universe was a thing were fans of him long before the first Thor came out. Over the years since his appearance in that movie the character has gone through a lot of changes, evolving from a villain to an anti-hero both in the MCU and in the comics, the latter even killing off his original incarnation to reincarnate him in a younger body resembling Tom Hiddleston in the hopes that the comics could capitalize on his popularity in order to sell more books. That move, unfortunately, did not bear fruit, with Loki’s solo series being canceled after only five issues. However, Loki remained popular in the movies, so much so that when he was killed off in Infinity War, people were pissed.

As a result of his enduring popularity, Kevin Feige and company decided to give Loki his own solo series on Disney+ when the decision was made to create a string of MCU tie-in shows to supplement the movies, and boost subscription numbers to Disney’s new streaming service. Fans of the character rejoiced. Finally, our favorite character was going to be in the spotlight, and not be merely a supporting character for Thor and hopefully not a butt monkey for the Avengers like he was in the third act of the movie of the same name. WandaVision and The Falcon and The Winter Soldier had previously had well-received and successful debuts on that same platform, and it was hoped that Loki would do the same. Loki turned out to be the most successful of the Disney+ MCU shows that have come out so far, scoring highest in the ratings. As of this writing, it holds a 93% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and an 8.5 on IMDb.

Those numbers, however, don’t reflect the entire audience and there were a lot of people who were not altogether happy with the product we received. Many people who had been hardcore fans of Loki since Tom Hiddleston first put on the horned helmet were not pleased, myself included.  

The show wasn’t all bad. It did set up the multiverse, introduced Kang, introduced Mobius. The special effects were outstanding, a lot of the gags were hilarious, and we did get some character development from Loki before the spotlight fell away from him and he became all about panting after the real main character...more on that in a few.  

So many things, however, were wrong.  

If you liked the show, thought it was perfect, and were a fan of the romance, that’s perfectly fine. There is no such thing as a wrong opinion on a work of fiction. Everyone has their interpretations, everyone has their likes and dislikes, and there is nothing wrong with liking the show. There is also nothing wrong with not liking the show. This is a concept that people on both sides of the debate fail to understand, and I have witnessed flame wars, harassment from individuals on both sides, harassment of creators on social media from both sides, and various bits of biphobia, homophobia, transphobia, and other assorted types of phobias on display. I have seen people accuse people who have different opinions on the show than them of “not being a true Loki fan” and stating that people who have certain interpretations of the character don’t “truly know Loki”.

I’m not here to do that, and I assure you, if you liked the show, that’s fine. You’re allowed to. I’m allowed to not like it, and I’m allowed to explained why I didn’t like it just as you’re allowed to explain why you did. As long as both of us are being respectful, expressing an opinion is good. There is expressing an opinion and offering constructive criticism, however, and then there is namecalling, trolling, and having a tantrum and accusing someone of being “aggressive” when they don’t share the same opinion you do.

There is a huge difference between saying “I find the character of Sylvie to be problematic, and here is why” and “I think fans of Sylvie are sick and need therapy”, and people need to learn the difference between the two. Unfortunately, you have people who have become very protective of their favorite characters and tend to take any criticism leveled at said characters personally. It’s basically “You don’t like them? Well then you don’t like me, and since you don’t like me, I don’t like you.” Which is, frankly, a dangerous mentality to have. We are talking about fictional characters, not real people, and there is no need to jump to the defense of someone who does not exist. It is those people who tend to demonstrate that they have unstable personalities and immaturity, and they are the ones I have started blocking on Twitter because, being an adult woman, I don’t have the patience to deal with immature nonsense like that.

So, if you read this and then decide you want to hunt me down to give me a piece of your mind, tell me that I’m not a “true” fan of Loki, and accuse me of whatever, don’t bother. This piece isn’t here for that. It’s here because I wanted to compile my thoughts and feelings in a way that would better for me to articulate. It’s more or less a venting mechanism, purely for my benefit. If someone else gets something out of it, fine. If the creators of the show happen to see it, which is very unlikely because A) I’m not exactly going to push it onto them on their social media to get them to read it and B) they already get bombarded with tons of opinions on the show on a daily basis and aren’t going to care about one more voice added to the mix, even one who has basically compiled a novel, then alright.

And it is a novel, because I have a lot to say about Loki. I have been a huge fan of the character since long before Tom Hiddleston began playing him. My first encounter with Marvel’s Loki came in the form of the X-Men comics, specifically The Asgardian Wars run. It’s available in trade, and you should check it out. I read that run when I was around 10 years old, and I enjoyed Loki as the bad guy in the two stories that make up the collection. The first has him creating a special wish fountain that has a monkey’s paw effect in that it imbues mortals with special gifts and powers, and has the potential to make Earth a better place, but at the cost of killing every magical person and being on Earth. The X-Men and Alpha Flight find out about this after a plane piloted by the wife of one of the X-Men happens to crash in the general location the fountain is located. The two teams go to investigate, Shaman and Snowbird who are both magical beings begin dying, it’s discovered Loki created the fountain in order to score brownie points with The Ones Who Sit Above In Shadow (a pantheon of deities who are basically the Gods to the Asgardians), and after a lengthy battle Loki is defeated, he shuts down the fountain under pressure from The Ones, and slinks back to Asgard with tail between his legs.

In the second story, set after the heroes of Earth had helped Asgard defeat Surtur, Loki’s attention is caught by Storm, who at the time was depowered. He kidnaps her and brings her to Asgard intending to use her to replace Thor as the Goddess of the Storm, and use her as a pawn to, what else, conquer Asgard and seize the throne.  

I really enjoyed Loki then, and felt sorry that he never appeared in any other X-Men story, not even in an issue of the New Mutants, and that team boasted an actual Valkyrie (Danielle Moonstar) as one of its members. I was a kid at the time and read pretty much exclusively X-Men since those were the books my father purchased for me. I never felt right about asking him for other books since we were a family with money struggles and I didn’t want to be more of a burden by requesting Thor or Avengers comics--that, and I just didn’t find Thor or the Avengers all that interesting at the time, a sentiment shared by a lot of people until the first Iron Man made us actually care about Tony Stark. I wouldn’t have an opportunity to start reading more comics featuring Loki until I was an adult and able to visit comic book stores on my own. I read several runs that featured him as a character, including Ragnarok, the Broxton, OK run where Loki first appeared as a woman, Dark Reign, and finally Siege. I also went back and read Walt Simonson’s legendary run on The Mighty Thor, which I highly recommend.  

Suffice it to say, I’ve been a fan of the character for a long time, and in fact when Tom Hiddleston was cast in the role for Thor, I remember thinking that he was too young. But then I figured it was Hollywood, of course they’re going to deage Loki so that he appears closer in age to his adopted brother in contrast to the comics pre-Siege where Loki was often drawn to look like he was as old as Odin and therefore could be Thor’s uncle or even father as opposed to brother.  

Over the years I grew to enjoy the MCU’s version of the character, enjoy Tom Hiddleston in the role, and like most other people was greatly saddened by his death in Infinity War. Like other fans, I looked forward to his solo series and had high hopes for it. Hopes that were, unfortunately, dashed.

It Was Rushed

In the MCU, it took Loki years to go from troubled young god, to villain, to ambivalent ally, to anti-hero, to hero. Literally, years. Months had passed between the end of Thor and the beginning of Avengers during which Loki endured who-knows-what at the hands of Thanos. We don’t know exactly what still. The Loki series didn’t answer that, I guess because they didn’t want to devote precious screentime to an interesting backstory for what was supposed to be the main character when they could focus on something else instead. That something else will be elaborated on.

In Episode 1, Loki is still the villain from Avengers, something he would have remained as into The Dark World. It would take him being in Asgard’s prisons for a year and then him accidentally getting his adopted mother Frigga killed in order for him to begin to do a heel-face turn. From this, we can clearly see that a transition from ax-crazy bad guy to anti-hero is not going to happen overnight. For this person I shall call Ragnarok Loki, it was a process that took time. He suffered a complete mental breakdown while in Asgard’s prison, a fragile emotional state that was compounded by the anger and massive guilt he felt at Frigga’s death.  

Even after that, he still hadn’t completely abandoned his villainous ways. At the end of The Dark World we find out that after faking his supposed death earlier in the movie, Loki has assumed Odin’s form and taken his place on Asgard’s throne. In Ragnarok, Loki is still sitting on the throne in Odin’s form, and shows no indication at all that he feels any remorse for giving his adopted father amnesia, stripping away his magic, and abandoning him on Earth to whatever fate he might meet. Loki remains a selfish bastard throughout Ragnarok until the third act, after Thor had treated him to a taste of his own medicine by sticking a taser on him and then giving him a speech about becoming predictable and complacent.  

Loki’s arc was one that spanned four movies and six years, since in-universe there were a couple of years between The Dark World and Ragnarok. That meant that his character development took actual time and was realistic. It was one of the things that drew people to the character, the fact that he had a very relatable and believable redemption arc.

Compare that to Episode 1. In less than a day he goes from being the Loki that we saw in Avengers, batshit crazy, selfish, callous, and untrusting, to making personal confessions to a man he had just met only a couple hours previously and agreeing to help the organization that had arrested, stripped, imprisoned, tried, and almost executed him.

What?

I will give the show this: In Episode 2, he shows that he’s still up to his old tricks when he feeds Mobius and the agents all that horsecrap about how a Loki works in the Ren Faire tent, and then revealing that he plans to take over the TVA when he confronts his variant in the futuristic Wal-Mart. The weeping confession to Mobius, that I can’t really get over. How do you go from haughty, arrogant, and “trust is for children and dogs”, to “I don’t enjoy hurting people” in just a couple of hours? The show never indicated that it was a manipulation tactic on Loki’s part. Instead, we were basically told to believe that they became friends just that fast. That emotionally stunted and closed-off Loki made a connection with another person in a matter of hours. Makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mobius and feel he makes a good foil for Loki. I hope to see more of him in the future. I just have a tough time finding their friendship all that believable.

This would not be the only relationship in the show that happened too fast that we were forced to just buy, which leads me to Sylvie.

She’s the variant that the TVA had been hunting, that Mobius recruited Loki to help capture. And while I normally hate it when people ascribe a certain label onto a new female character because reasons (ones that are usually misogynistic), I think it fits rather well in Sylvie’s case.

Enter The Mary Sue

Mary Sue is a term that gets thrown around a lot. To sum up the meaning in very simple terms, it refers to a character who is too perfect to be believable. Mary Sues are often author-self inserts in fiction, they’re usually the love interest for at least one male hero and it’s usually the male hero the author will admit to having a crush on, their scenes usually are presented much more descriptively than those of the other characters, the story will revolve around them often at the expense of the development and plots for the other characters of the story, and they’re presented as beautiful, powerful, intelligent, beautiful, special, strong, beautiful, and desirable. Yes, beautiful is on the list more than once, and it’s deliberate.

The term comes from an old Star Trek parody fanfic, and while it is usually applied to original characters in fan fiction, the term has been used to describe characters in canon media as well. Some examples of characters who have been described as Mary Sues would include Bella from the Twilight books, Felicity from the show Arrow, Jaenelle Angelline from Anne Bishop’s The Black Jewel novels, Sookie Stackhouse from True Blood, Rey from the last Star Wars trilogy, and Jean Grey from the X-Men comics. Note I do not necessarily agree that those characters are Mary Sues, I have merely heard these characters referred to as Mary Sues, and when I look at them objectively I can kind of see where the accusations come from. Some other terms that can apply are Creator’s Pet and of course Author Self-Insert. Not all Mary Sues are Author Self-Inserts, but a lot of them are. Also, not all characters who can be labeled Mary Sues are female, though they often are. The male version of a Mary Sue is called a Marty Stu, and a couple of characters I’ve seen get ascribed that label include Harry Potter, Daemon Sadi from Anne Bishop’s The Black Jewel novels, Edward from Twilight, and Red Hulk from Marvel Comics. Even Batman and Wolverine haven’t been immune from the Marty Stu stamp, although you can argue that it does apply in their cases especially depending on who’s writing them. Sometimes it is painfully obvious they are author self-inserts...the aforementioned Bella is a good example. Others, you can only speculate on. And while there are theories going around that Sylvie is someone’s self-insert, we don’t have definitive proof of that.

There are good arguments, however, for her being labeled a Mary Sue and Creator’s Pet.

First are her powers. In the show we are told that Sylvie taught herself magic, especially her ability to “enchant”, the power to get into the minds of others and manipulate them. The fact that she taught herself would indicate that her education and skill in using magic should be lacking, right? She should not be as good as, say, someone who learned magic from his foster mother who herself was taught by Asgardian witches?

Yet in the show, Sylvie not only runs circles around Loki magically wise, she even teaches him a few tricks. This is startlingly in contrast to the comics. Loki’s Sylvie is partially based on the character Sylvie Lushton from the Young Avengers, a bad guy who was once a normal girl whom Loki imbued with powers before his death at the hands of the Sentry during the events of 2010’s Siege storyline. In the comics, Loki not only gave Sylvie her powers, but he was the one who taught her how to use them. Now, of course things in the MCU are not going to follow the way things are in the comics. MCU Loki is nowhere near as old as comics Loki and has so far not demonstrated the ability to give other beings powers. And MCU Sylvie is a composite of Sylvie Lushton and Lady Loki, which is also problematic, but we’ll get to that.

But the point is that Sylvie had no training. Her magic is some improvised slapped-together stuff that at best she picked up here and there and at worst she just pulled out of her ass. Now, knowing that, we’re supposed to buy that she can mop the floor magically wise with someone who was formally trained by a sorceress? And that furthermore, she can school him as well?

To make up for her lack of experience and knowledge, Loki is nerfed. Power wise and intellectually wise, he is nerfed. In Thor and Avengers Loki is smart, well-spoken, and a master manipulator. At one point he is able to turn all of the Avengers against one another, and while his magic has never been anywhere near the level it was at in the comics pre-Siege (after his resurrection, he was powered down and is currently nowhere near the powerhouse he had been prior to 2011) he was able to pull off some impressive displays of skill nonetheless. Shape shifting, illusion casting, it was a good repertoire.  

In Episode 3, however...well, he does use teleportation to some impressive affect during his fight with Sylvie, but he still doesn’t get the upperhand. And he should. Loki is a better trained fighter, better trained in sorcery, and realistically should have at the least managed to incapacitate his variant. He doesn’t however, because the moment he meets Sylvie his IQ drops about 20 points. He falls easily for her tricks, makes laughable plans, gets drunk and draws too much attention when he knows that is a bad idea, and manages to get them both stuck on a moon that will soon be dust courtesy of the rogue planet about to crash into it. Loki has made some blunders in the various MCU movies he’s been in, mostly due to his own arrogance and tendency to underestimate his foes, but he’s not that stupid. In fact, in The Dark World he screams at Thor and calls him an idiot for drawing attention to themselves by hijacking an elven ship and crashing into every column and statue within a fifty-foot radius.

Where exactly is that smart, calculating, more careful Loki we know from the films? He’s been transformed and dumbed down, in an attempt to prop Sylvie up. It’s a tired trope, making the male character a dumbass in order to make the female character look good. Well, I should say male-presenting and female-presenting characters in this case, but their supposed gender fluidity really is not represented well and it’s completely contradicted later on, but we’ll get to that.

Anyway, making the male character stupid in order to make the female character look better by comparison is not empowering. It’s insulting. It implies that women are not smart or capable enough to meet men on equal footing, that the only way we can shine is not by virtue of our own strengths, but merely by making us look better than the men.

She doesn’t just outshine Loki intellectually and power wise, she outshines him period. The show from Episode 3 on becomes about Sylvie. She is the show’s main focus, and Loki? He’s relegated to the role of supporting character in the series that’s named after him. Supporting character, and love interest. From Episode 3 on, the show might as well be called Sylvie.

Now, some people will say that since Sylvie is a Loki, the show was indeed focusing on Loki. The problem is, the show is very inconsistent as to whether or not Sylvie really is a Loki or a different person entirely. I will explain more later, but the writers seem to change Sylvie’s identity to suit whatever narrative they want to present to the audience, including the pre-Pixar Disney romance they foist upon us.

The Romance, and why some find it gross

One major characteristic of the Mary Sue is that she always draws the romantic and sexual interest of the main male character, who may or may not be a Marty Stu himself. Oftentimes he’s not, and Loki does not fit the criteria of a Marty Stu by any stretch of the imagination. These romances always happen fast with little to no buildup. There is no what writers of romance call “slow burn”, it’s just throw Mary at the male character, hook them up, and get the audience to buy it. Basically, it’s reminiscent of the romance stories in the Classical Era Disney animated films. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella all fall madly in love with their princes within minutes of meeting them. There’s no getting to know each other, there is no preamble, there is no slow courtship, no real drama to speak of. It’s basically Love At First Sight or True Love. This trend continues even into the Disney Renaissance. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel is willing to make a deal with a witch to give up her fins for a prince she hasn’t even spoken to yet. He doesn’t even know she exists, and she leaves her home and family behind, gives up her voice, all for a mere shot at hooking up with him.

That’s not love, that’s lust. That’s hormones overruling your brain, and it’s an insulting trope, one that feminists have railed against for years. Disney has made a little progress. The movie Frozen took the mickey out of the Love At First Sight/True Love trope with the song “Love Is An Open Door” and the prince Anna wanting to marry turning out to be a major sleazebag who just wants to use her, but we still only have three Disney princesses (Elsa, Moana, and Merida) who have never had love interests and two (Anna and Rapunzel) whose love stories come close to being slow burns, out of 12 official Princesses. There’s still a long way to go, and boy is there a major step backwards in Loki.  

In Episode 3, Loki fights Sylvie and they end up on Lamentis 1. Sylvie spends a good portion of the time insulting and trying to kill Loki, and Loki finds himself having to defend himself from her. That changes once they get on the train going to the Arc. After sneaking aboard the train using a disguise and a flimsy story, the two Lokis sit in a booth, where Loki proceeds to drink champagne. It is then that, out of nowhere, the conversation shifts from how Sylvie learned her powers to the topic of love.

Why? Why would you bring that up in conversation with someone who was doing her best to kill you a couple hours prior?

Then Loki makes things worse by asking Sylvie if she has a beau waiting for her. Why? It doesn’t make sense. The two of you are at each other’s throats, she’s done her best to kill you, neither of you trusts the other, and, completely out of left field, you decide to basically ask “So...are you single?”

Now, enemies to lovers is a trope that can work when done right. Typically, it’s a very subtle, slow progression that the audience witnesses over time in a novel, movie or television series. Weeks and even months will go by in the narrative during which the two people go from wanting each other dead to developing feelings for one another. There’s usually a “will they, won’t they period” that lasts for some time that’s full of teases and flirting before the couple does hook up and gives the audience the resolution. Done in this way, enemies to lovers can work.

This...this is not the right way to do enemies to lovers. Within a couple of hours Loki and Sylvie go from hatred and doing their damnedest to stabbing one another in the backs, to having a connection that causes a nexus event?

By the way, that nexus event makes no sense. In Episode 2, it is established that it is impossible to create a nexus event in an apocalypse. It is why Sylvie was able to avoid capture by the TVA for so long. In fact, just minutes prior to the two of them almost dying in Episode 4, Sylvie flat-out says that she figured out that she needed to hide in apocalypses because she discovered she didn’t create a nexus event when she hid in them.

Now the two of them are able to create a nexus event in the midst of an apocalypse? Why? Their “connection” isn’t going to lead to any consequences...they were about to die. No one else need never have known about the “moment” the two of them shared. It’s very confusing and the only purpose it really serves is to paint Loki and Sylvie as soulmates, which doesn’t make sense in the context of the show. The concept of soulmates is that for every person, there is someone out there they are predestined to be with. Loki is a show that, at the core of it, is about rejecting predestination and embracing free will. In that context, the idea of soulmates is ludicrous and contradictory to the message that we make our own destiny. This is why True Love is unrealistic, and I hate to break it to you romantics out there, but Love At First sight does not exist.

Infatuation At First Sight exists, but that is not Love, no matter what your hormones are telling you. Love takes time to evolve, and it takes work to maintain. It sure as hell doesn’t happen after less than 12 hours of knowing each other, during which a huge chunk of time was devoted to trying to manipulate, outsmart, and murder the person you’re supposedly in love with. No one falls in love in less than 12 hours, period, unless it’s a Classical Era Disney animated movie. They basically turned Loki into a big Disney Romance trope. I have a very hard time buying that Loki, who we have established is emotionally stunted and closed off, would form a love connection in just a few hours, especially with someone who was doing her best to murder him in that timespan.

That is not the only reason this relationship is problematic. The term “Selfcest” has been thrown around, and a lot of defenders of this particular ship claim that the term was very recently made up in social media for the sole purpose of badmouthing this particular romance. That is not the case. Selfcest is a term that has existed among fiction writers for years, it’s just that more people have recently become aware of it thanks to this show. The trope has been used and referred to in various works of fiction, especially in fantasy and science fiction where cloning, alternative universes, and magic occur. A lot of the insults I get from people who can’t stand that I don’t like the romance basically go along the lines of saying selfcest doesn’t exist. No, it doesn’t...in reality. But this isn’t reality, is it? It’s fiction. It’s a fictional world where such a thing could be possible, and even in works where it’s not possible it’s often alluded to.

In A Song Of Ice And Fire, we have the infamous twincest relationship going on between Cersei and Jamie Lannister, and it is heavily implied that sleeping with her brother is the closest that Cersei can get to banging herself and that is why she does it. Jamie is basically everything she feels she should have been and was denied due to being born a woman. In fact, in later books when he reunites with her after having been away from King’s Landing for over a year, during which time he’s grown a beard and shaved his head, Cersei no longer finds him as attractive since they no longer look as much alike.

And with advances in cloning, selfcest might be possible in the future. We already have sex robots, and people with money are capable of making those robots look like themselves. There is nothing stopping them from doing it.

Knowing all of this, the argument of “selfcest doesn’t exist!” falls flat. And it especially falls flat when you’re referring to a fictional universe where a large purple man once killed off half the population of said universe with a snap of his fingers, where scientists turn into giant green monsters, the Norse gods not only exist but regularly interact with people on Earth, and there’s such a thing as a Sorcerer Supreme.

As I have said, the show has been rather inconsistent in stating what exactly Sylvie’s identity is. One moment, we are told Sylvie is a Loki and that she and Loki are the same person. Mobius says it, Kang says it multiple times, Judge Renslayer says it, the director and the writers state it in interviews. But then in the next breath, they contradict it by saying that she’s not a Loki, she’s Sylvie and a different person.  

You can’t have it both ways. Which is it? Either she’s a Loki, or she’s not. The narrative is very confusing and it changes depending on how they want us to see Sylvie, especially in relation to her romance with Loki. It’s so much easier to avoid the selfcest/incest accusations when you can say they are different people. But then they say they’re the same person. Make up your minds!

Since the show first established that Sylvie is a Loki, I’m going with that. Especially since we saw a bit of her backstory. She grew up in Asgard as a member of the royal family, which means she had Odin as a father, Frigga as mother, and Thor as brother. She may or may not have the same DNA as Loki. We never got confirmation either way, and there are people who argue that they don’t to which I have to ask: How do you know? The show never tells us! “Oh, well, there’s Alligator Loki, are you going to say he has the same DNA as well?” Well, we are never told how exactly Alligator Loki came to be. Is he actually an alligator, or is he Loki who somehow got permanently stuck when he shapeshifted? People tend to forget that he can do that. Ragnarok established that he can turn into a snake, and a deleted scene actually had the childhood story go that Loki turned into a rug to cover a hole in the ground and then dumped Thor into it. There is the scene where Doctor Strange drops Loki through a portal, and Thor is left poking at a business card, and it is clear that for a moment he thinks that Loki turned into that. We know Loki can shapeshift, so Alligator Loki can very well have the same DNA. We just don’t know, because the show never explains it for the same reason the show cut out the scenes with Throg fighting Loki...to devote more screentime to Sylki.

Even if they don’t have the same DNA, it’s still established that they are the same person, they have the same family, they’re both the God/dess of Mischief, and even Sylvie herself acknowledges that she is a Loki despite the fact that she changed her name. So selfcest very much applies here, and a good argument can be made that selfcest is the ultimate in incest...after all, there isn’t anyone else you’re more related to than yourself. It is very understandable, therefore, that a lot of people would be very, very uncomfortable with such a relationship. Having the same DNA would merely be the icing on the very gross cake.

Furthermore, just because selfcest does not exist in reality does not mean someone can’t find the concept distasteful. “It’s not real!” “It’s just fiction!” Yes, and people are allowed to have their own feelings and opinions on fiction. If they find the idea of selfcest hard to stomach, that’s their prerogative and you really have no right to tell them they are wrong for feeling that way. They should not have to justify to anyone why they feel that way either. No one owes you an explanation for why they find real world incest or cannibalism distasteful, so they don’t owe you an explanation for this.

“Well, of course Loki would fall for himself...he’s a narcissist!” Is he though? Is he really? Having dealt with my fair share of narcissists in my life, I have to wonder if the fans who say that, along with the writers, know what a narcissist really is.

Is Loki a narcissist?

Bringing up Cersei Lannister again, the novels she appears in establishes that she is an extreme narcissist. She sleeps with her twin brother because it’s the closest she can come to sleeping with herself, and she desires to do that because she is a narcissist. A narcissist is someone whose personality is defined by an inflated sense of self-importance, troubled relationships, lack of empathy for others, and an excessive deep-seated need for attention and admiration. It’s a very simplistic definition, and there are plenty of YouTube videos devoted to delving into narcissists into more depth, as well as videos on how to cope with the aftermath of abuse at the hands of narcissists. Narcissists are so devoted to themselves that they ignore the needs and the feelings of those in their lives, which often results in abusive behavior. There are entire support groups that exist for victims of narcissists.

At first glance, one can see why some might consider Loki a narcissist. He does engage in some pretty selfish behavior, he goes to great lengths to get attention, his relationships to his family are indeed fraught with drama, and he seems to have a pretty overinflated ego. He even goes so far as to write a play featuring himself as the central character, and build a giant golden statue of himself after taking over Asgard in the guise of Odin. But really, is his ego truly that big? Or he is overcompensating for his self-hatred and self-disgust?

Loki suffered quite the emotional blow when he found out his true heritage, a revelation that shook him to his very core. Of course, his relationship with his father suffered as a result...the man lied to him for his entire life. Their relationship really was not that great even before that since Odin found it easier to relate to Thor, who was more like him in personality, than to Loki, who was more cerebral and quieter. Loki’s relationship to Frigga fared much better. He’s quick to forgive her involvement in covering up the truth about his parentage, and it is obvious that they are close. Even his relationship with Thor prior to the events of the movie is not all that bad, the two brothers are affectionate and playful, and when Loki interrupts Thor’s coronation, it’s not just for the sake of creating trouble, but to postpone Thor taking the crown for another little while because he is not fit to rule. At the time Thor had yet to go through his character development arc on Earth and he was still an overly arrogant, bloodthirsty, elitist douchebag, so Loki really had a good point.

A true narcissist would have done what Loki did just for the sake of making life difficult for Thor. Also, he would have done it because he wanted the throne. Loki states repeatedly that he never wanted to rule. A true narcissist would have been all smiles about taking the throne instead of being reluctant about it as Loki was when Frigga handed him Gungnir.

Throughout the films, and in the first episode of the series, we see that Loki does indeed love his family and is capable of feeling guilt over the things that he does to them, intentionally or not. Narcissists typically don’t feel remorse. As far as they are concerned, they are perfect and can do no wrong, so they have nothing to feel bad about. If they hurt you, it’s because you deserved it. You shouldn’t have provoked their ire.

Loki feels bad for getting Frigga killed, and then later on Odin. Then he is in tears when Odin dies, and later at the mere thought of never seeing Thor again when the two brothers talk in an elevator on Sakaar. Those are not the actions of someone who is incapable of loving anyone but himself, as I’ve seen so many people claim about him. And the fact that he sacrificed himself to save his brother also kind of kills the whole “narcissist” narrative.

In Episode 1, Loki breaks down and confesses to Mobius that he doesn’t like hurting people. He does it because it’s part of the façade, and admits that he sees himself as weak. A few episodes later, he admits to a memory illusion Sif that he craves attention “because I’m a narcissist” and admits to being afraid of being alone. That is far more self-reflection than a typical narcissist is capable of in my experience. As I said, narcissists tend to think they are perfect. A true narcissist would never admit to having any flaws, and sure as hell would never admit that they are a narcissist. As far as the true narcissist is concerned, if you find them flawed in any way, that’s on you. The narcissist has no need for self-reflection because they honestly see nothing wrong with themselves, and believe that they don’t need to change...it’s everyone else who does.

A good real-life example from my past is a former friend I’ll call D. D was a self-proclaimed brat who was quite proud of the fact that she could be difficult to be in a relationship with and tended to go through men like tissue paper. She was demanding, self-centered, extremely jealous, manipulative, and prone to wild mood swings. She could and did go from zero to insane at the drop of a hat. In the time I knew her, she left a string of burnt guys behind, and according to her it was because they just weren’t man enough to handle her. She also left behind a string of broken former friends, to the point where there really needed to be a support group for former friends of D who suddenly had her turn them into Public Enemy Number 1 when they either started taking attention away from D, or...well, that was it really. As I said, she was a very jealous person and had a chronic need to be the center of attention, especially if there were men around. Anyway, instead of working on herself to become less self-involved, self-absorbed, and more empathetic, she double downed on her abrasiveness and constant need for attention until she finally wore the poor man down and he either ghosted her or outright dumped her. She never broke up with them, preferring to keep them around for as long as they were willing in order to toy with them as a cat does with a mouse.  I tried to talk to her about her horrible behavior, but instead of taking my constructive criticism and maybe using it to make some needed changes, she completely turned on me and did her best to make my life hell until I finally cut her out of it. I learned two things: Narcissists don’t want help because they don’t feel they need it and they are never going to change as a result, and never, ever try to confront a narcissist. It’ll only end badly.  

A more famous example? Former US President Donald Trump. I won’t get into that, because really all you need to do is perform a quick Google search to see what all he’s done and witness his narcissism on full display. But really, place him side by side with Loki. Do you see any similarities at all? Maybe on the surface, but when you go deeper...no. Loki is not a narcissist. He’s capable of deep self-reflection, owns his faults, is capable of loving others, and feels remorse. I would argue that anyone who says he is a narcissist, either does not know the character, or hasn’t ever actually dealt with a narcissist in real life, to which I can only say: Lucky you.  

I honestly would argue that calling Loki a narcissist is actually doing a disservice to victims of abuse from actual narcissists.

What about Sylvie? Well, in contrast to Loki who does show remorse while Mobius is playing that “This Is Your Life” reel for him, Sylvie shows no remorse or regret. She knows that the TVA agents she kills are as much victims as she is. They are innocent variants who were kidnapped from Earth and forced to work for the TVA after having their memories wiped. She knows this, yet the first time we see her she burns a bunch of TVA agents alive, and she just stands there watching as they scream in agony. In the next episode she says right out that she’s “having some fun” while possessing the body of C-90 and murdering more agents. She is not at all sorry about doing what she did, and we’re supposed to be understanding since she was kidnapped as a child. Okay, but the entire TVA didn’t do that. The agents she kills didn’t personally kidnap her. The only one we see who was directly involved in that is Renslayer. Sylvie “did what she had to do”, fine. But she doesn’t feel bad about it, at all. The flashback to her as a child takes great pains to try to show us what a good person she is when she cries out “Help him!” as another prisoner is being beaten, but I guess she grew out of it.

We don’t know if Sylvie has any other narcissistic traits besides lack of remorse because, well, the show really doesn’t do much to show her personality. Other than killing people, trying to kill Loki, and then flirting with Loki, we just don’t really see much to her. It’s another trait of a Mary Sue. Mary Sues often have bland, one-dimensional personalities. After all, their only purpose is usually to serve as love interests for one or more male characters. Mary Sues break the “show, don’t tell” rule by having the other characters verbally inform us about their traits, usually while singing their praises, but we don’t actually see those traits in the Mary Sue herself.

Loki calls Sylvie “amazing”, but how amazing is she, really? She kills people she knows are victims, she endangers the timeline just to sneak into the TVA, and then she kills Kang despite knowing that there is a very good chance that doing so could unleash something far, far worse than him. Then again, it doesn’t have to make sense when you’re pushing an unwanted and unasked for romance on an audience who was expecting a scifi show, not a romance.

I have spoken in a few places about this. Romance is fine, but in a show that blatantly places itself in the scifi genre, it really should only be the background, not center stage. When I expressed this opinion, I got accused of being dismissive of an essential part of the human experience. Well, first of all, congratulations: You just invalidated the existence of people on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, not to mention people who are celibate by choice. Second, that is why we have the romance genre. To tell stories centered around romance. I like romance, I read romance novels, and I sometimes write romantic fiction. But there are some places where it just is not appropriate.

There are people who say that adding romance makes things more interesting. Nope, in those cases it’s just a smokescreen, something used to hide plot holes and distract us from just how empty the story really is. Writers like to say that if you need a romance to make things more interesting, then you really don’t have much of a story in the first place. And sadly, Loki does have some plot holes. The nexus event on Lamentis is a good example, and the romance is definitely used to distract us from that. People were so focused on “oh wow, they’re having a moment, they’re soulmates!” that they didn’t think “waitaminute...didn’t they say that nexus events can’t occur in apocalypses?”

We really did not need a romance in Loki. Period. It was unnecessary, it was distracting, a lot of people found it disturbing, and it actively hurt a marginalized group.

Loki Is A Queer Icon!...maybe

I am not going to say that the relationship between Loki and Sylvie is not a bisexual one. A bisexual relationship is a bisexual relationship regardless of whether or not the person the bisexual person is with is the opposite sex. Saying otherwise is biphobic. Biphobic people in both the straight and the queer communities have been excluding bisexual people who happen to be in opposite sex relationships for years because apparently one stops being bisexual once they get into a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. This is horseshit. I’ve been in relationships with CIS men, did I stop being attracted to other men, women, nonbinary, genderfluid, agender, and other genderqueer people? No. No, I didn’t, because while I was entangled, I was not dead. Heterosexual people don’t stop being attracted to other members of the opposite sex when they are in relationships, it’s no different with queer people.

So, stop saying that Loki and Sylvie are not a bisexual relationship. You’re not doing us any favors at all, and in fact you’re only helping the biphobes who want to kick us out of Pride and other queer spaces for daring to date members of the opposite sex.

I will address the “Bit of both” line however. In Episode 3, Loki has that response to Sylvie’s questioning about whether there had been any would-be princesses or princes in his life. Again, a conversation that comes out of nowhere. She stated outright that she didn’t trust him, clearly wanted him dead, and now she’s asking if he’s single. Whatever.

Anyway, people went nuts when Loki answered “A bit of both”. It was confirmation that Loki was bisexual, it was celebrated on social media...and it is really biphobic and Kate Herron, who is bisexual herself, really should have known better.

Biphobic people have long tried to sow division between the bi and trans communities (unsurprisingly, biphobia and transphobia tend to go hand-in-hand) by saying that the concept of being bisexual is transphobic. “Bi” means two, ergo bisexual people are only attracted to two genders, specifically CIS men and CIS women. It never occurs to anyone that the “two genders” a bisexual person could be attracted to could be, say, women (and yes, I include trans women in that, since they are in fact women, get over it) and non-binary people, or agender and gender-fluid people, it’s always CIS men and CIS women. This despite the fact that the definition of bisexual has been “attraction to more than one gender” since long before the Bisexual Manifesto was put out in 1990.

Some people have tried to remedy this by adopting the moniker of “pansexual” instead, which A) is basically reinforcing what biphobes are saying about bisexuals and creating even more division and B) doesn’t just mean “attraction to trans people as well, I’m not transphobic, I promise!” “Pansexual” is not interchangeable with “bisexual”. Pansexual is attraction to all genders. Bisexual means attraction to more than one gender, but not necessarily to all genders. You can have a bisexual person, for instance, who is attracted to all genders except for men. If you are attracted to more than one gender, but not to all genders, you are bisexual, and labeling yourself pansexual is lying and basically caving in to the biphobes.

I’m not trying to police what people call themselves...if you want to use the two terms interchangeably, if you want to call yourself bisexual, or pansexual, it’s fine. But just evaluate the reasons why. Are you calling yourself pansexual because you really think you can be, or are you just calling yourself that out of fear of being labeled transphobic? The latter, in my opinion, is not a really good reason, and it only helps deliver the biphobic message that bisexual people are transphobic.

So, by saying “a bit of both”, Loki is really helping to reinforce that biphobic assertion that bisexual people are attracted just to CIS men and CIS women. It’s disappointing, but it is Disney so I suppose that is the best we can expect for now. It just shows that Disney really has a long way to go.

What’s more problematic is the supposed genderfluid representation. Now, I am a CIS woman. As such, I feel unqualified to really say that the representation is shitty and fluidphobic. However, if I’m not qualified to say that it is, then Kate Herron and the writers are unqualified to say that it isn’t. Rule of thumb: If members of a marginalized group are telling you that you did a poor job of representing them and that you are being transphobic or fluidphobic, instead of ignoring and dismissing their concerns like a good portion of the population already does, it’s a really good idea to listen to what they are saying and learn how you can do better.

There have been some genderfluid and trans people who expressed that they liked the show, and good for them. But I have seen a lot of very valid criticisms and concerns from genderfluid and trans people about the representation on the show, and I think they really should be listened to. Kate, you and I are queer, but we are still CIS women. Ergo, we have no say in whether or not the way you attempted to present Loki’s gender fluidity is transphobic. If genderfluid people say it’s fluidphobic or trans people say it’s transphobic, then it is indeed fluidphobic/transphobic. To say otherwise is gaslighting a marginalized community who already faces gaslighting on a daily basis.

I will touch on a couple of things.

First, in Episode 5, Loki asks a bunch of his variants if they have ever encountered a female version of themselves, a question that is met with varying levels of incredulousness and even disgust. If Loki was truly genderfluid, this question wouldn’t have been asked. Genderfluid means the person shifts genders along the spectrum. Loki does this in the comics. Comicbook Loki switches between masculine and feminine presenting on the drop of a dime, especially in his current incarnation. Loki in the MCU we are told is also genderfluid, and should also be able to hop along the gender spectrum on a whim. There should not be a “female variant” therefore, since they are all the same gender. There could be a female presenting variant, but that is not the same thing. They would still be all genderfluid in that case. Also, Sylvie’s nexus event would not have been “being born the Goddess of Mischief”. Okay, the show never actually says that is the nexus event that led to her being arrested, but it heavily implies it. If Sylvie is a Loki, and as a Loki is genderfluid, her being the “Goddess” of Mischief should never have been an issue since they can change genders anyway.

Second, making Lady Loki a separate person is problematic. A lot of genderfluid people felt that this move invalidated their identity by basically showing that the same person cannot indeed be different genders along the spectrum. I don’t feel I’m totally qualified to really get into this. I will just say that if you’re going to write a genderfluid character, maybe at least get an actual genderfluid person to advise in the writing room.

Third, there is a transphobic movement called trans exclusionary radical feminism. You might have heard of it. Unfortunately, it is a very widespread movement that has done a lot of harm to the trans community, successfully blocking funding to organizations that help trans people, blocking laws that would benefit trans people, and the movement includes celebrities like Graham Linehan and JK Rowling.

One of the weapons they like to use against trans women is the concept of “autogynephilia”. It is basically the sexual fetish of becoming aroused from thinking of oneself as a woman.  Many, many of these transphobic “feminists” love to say that trans women are merely men who have this particular sexual fetish.

It’s bullshit of course. Maybe there is a small segment of the male population that has that fetish, but trans women are not included in that. For trans women, things like dressing as women, changing their names, having state and federal issued IDs that say they are female, and being able to use the restrooms and change rooms that match the gender they actually are as opposed to the one they were assigned at birth is not a matter of sexual arousal. It’s a matter of making their external realities match their internal ones. It’s a matter of validation of their identities as women. Sexual gratification has nothing to do with it.

Now, Loki is not trans, but genderfluid people do tend to fall under the trans umbrella. We have Loki, a supposedly genderfluid individual and masculine presenting, falling head over heels in love with a feminine presenting version of himself. Maybe it’s just me, but it just seems like a form of autogynephilia to me.

Way to go, Kate...you just gave the TERFs more ammo.

One more note: At one point, Kate tweeted a list of the different Loki emojis, and “jokingly” included #FiretruckLoki with an emoji of a firetruck. Kate, you do realize that a “joke” transphobes love to harp on is that they can identify as an attack helicopter, right?

It’s his way of learning self-love!

That is not how you learn self-love.

First, the people who are making this argument often contradict themselves by then saying that Sylvie is a different person. Again, make up your minds. Either Sylvie is the same person as Loki, or she’s not. You can’t have it both ways, and you can’t continue to change the narrative to fit whatever it is you want to shove down the audience’s throats.

Second, romantic love and self-love are two different things entirely. Loki isn’t feeling self-love with Sylvie, he’s feeling romantic love. That’s not learning self-love. That's narcissism, and it’s character regression in his case. He’s supposed to be evolving past being a self-centered, egotistical shitweasel, and falling in love with a variant of himself makes him, as Mobius put it, “a seismic narcissist”. It’s not character development.  

Third, this argument tends to come in the same breath as saying that Loki is a narcissist so of course he would fall for a variant of himself. If Loki is a narcissist though, why would he need to learn self-love? Narcissists already love themselves, that is the very definition of the word. If Loki needs to learn self-love, that would imply that he actually hates himself, which is the opposite of narcissism. Again, the writers and the fans who make these arguments when they feel the need to defend this relationship need to make up their minds. Either he’s a narcissist and therefore already loves himself too much, or he hates himself and needs to learn to love himself. It’s once again changing the narrative to fill a plothole.  

Fourth, the whole learning self-love and trust narrative is completely thrown out the window in Episode 6 when Sylvie decides to toy with Loki’s emotions, using his feelings for her against him by kissing him as a distraction so she could grab Kang’s temp pad and toss Loki back to the TVA. To Sylvie, her revenge was more important than the bond she had with him. The move basically set Loki’s progress back several steps. What little progress he made anyway.

TL:DR, is there hope for Season 2?

Whew, this went on for a while, didn’t it? Told you I had a lot to say.

As I have said, if you liked the first season of Loki and think I am completely full of shit, that’s fine and it’s your prerogative. More power to you.  

But, and this is a huge but, that does not give you the right to harass and bully people who did not like it.

I have witnessed horrible things from both sides of the now split Loki fandom on social media. Harassment and even death threats towards the creators. Telling people who don’t like the Loki and Sylvie relationship that they need to drink bleach. Homophobic attacks. Gatekeeping.  

There’s constructive criticism and sharing your opinions, and then there is...this.

Both sides need to chill.

Anyway.

Even though Kate Herron has left the show, Michael Waldron is still the showrunner and as such I am not altogether optimistic for Season 2. I would like to see more emphasis on Loki himself for that season. Yes, it’s a novel thought, wanting a show that is called Loki to actually be about Loki, but here we are.

I would like to see actual character development in Loki rather than the old “true love transforms bad boy and conquers all” trope. There is a reason Disney has started to abandon that trope in their animated movies. They’ve been getting dragged about it for decades.

If Sylvie must return, there needs to be some actual consistency surrounding her character. The show needs to decide if she is a Loki or not and stick with whichever one they decide. And seriously, no more romance. Frankly, after what she pulled in Episode 6, I will be severely disappointed if the writers have Loki crawling back to her. That would make him pathetic, and Loki deserves better.

Really, Loki does not need a romance, period. He’s too emotionally immature, he has a lot of character growth to go through, and a romance would do nothing but be a distraction and an impediment to that growth. Anyone who got married too young can confirm that it is important to learn more about yourself and figure yourself out before you even think of getting involved with another person, who should not be your whole world. The Loki and Sylvie romance was reminding me of Classic Disney in another not-good way in that the two of them, especially on Loki’s side, were starting to revolve around one another and that does not make for a healthy relationship. Again, turning Loki into a Disney Prince (or, seeing as how he’s supposed to be genderfluid, Princess). Stop it.

Again, the romance was a smokescreen. It was a distraction from just how thin the plot was. Please, for the love of G-d, give more focus to the actual plot.

Do some research and talk to some psychologists for healthy ways Loki can “learn self-love" and develop as a character. If Ragnarok Loki can do it without relying on a romance with a variant with himself, then surely TVA Loki can pull it off.

Speaking of talking to people, listen to the concerns of the trans and genderfluid fans. Listen, talk to them, maybe get a couple in the writer’s room. CIS people should not write genderfluid people, and this season is a good example of why.

Please remember that Loki is not an idiot. Yes, he has pulled some fast ones and hasn’t been the greatest planner, but he is not downright stupid like he was in season 1.

And...really that’s all I have. As I have said, this thesis really wasn’t about making suggestions to the creators because I seriously doubt they will ever even see this. This was more less me screaming into the void, venting because I was that upset about what I saw as character assassination happening to one of my favorite characters. Keeping all of this in was proving to be bad for my blood pressure.  

I am attached to the character, have been for years. Loki is just one character in the MCU who I love, who I want to see done right. I had been looking forward to his solo series for a very long time, and the disappointment I felt was something that I just couldn’t keep in. I kept my mouth shut when they killed off Tony Stark for no reason other than that Ronnie Downey, Jr. didn't want to renew his contract. I didn’t say anything at the Russo Brothers’ “happy ending” for Steve Rogers, even though I feel it made no sense and is a massive plot hole.  

What they did to Loki, however...I couldn’t keep silent.

[goodomensficrecommendations]

What are your all time favorite fics?

I’ve been thinking about this for far too long but I think (for now) I have an answer (maybe).

Which stories do you come back to over and over again? Think of when reading others? Made you immediately look up the author and read all their other work? 

In no particular order, here are mine! Please share yours!

1. A Memory of Eden

by ImprobableDreams900 ( @improbabledreams900 )

(link to cover and my recommendation here)

Rated M (for violence) I sing the praises of this series a lot, I know. It’s one of the first GO fics I read and I’ve been spoiled ever since. Prior to this, I’d really only read one-shots or shorter stories. I didn’t even know that “series” existed on AO3 and was so excited to find there was more when I finished a Memory of Eden! Also, some people use “series” more like chapters or unrelated works - this was truly like picking up an amazing novel in the library and then discovering there are more (!) to read. I joined tumblr because of this series - I was really just following different posts about this series at first. This story is intense! I am not a huge crier, but it had me out and out sobbing BOTH times I’ve read it! It is so so good. This is the only one on my list I’ve only read twice, just because I have to be emotionally prepared for it. ;) But I really love the world building, original characters, and the amazingly real-feeling A and C. There are 3 “main” stories that are each novels in their own right, plus some short accompanying stories. 

The author is a graphic designer/book designer and fully designed and printed them (not for sale) with book covers and everything and I am so jealous (check them out, they’re so pretty!). Partially because I’m in marketing and LOVE print design and would love to design books and partially because I would love to have a copy! ;) 

2. Slow Show

by  mia_ugly ( @mia-ugly )

(link to cover and my recommendation here)

Rated E  This one is on most people’s fic rec lists, but for good reason! This one came out shortly after the show and I hadn’t yet read a lot of Human AUs (ha! that’s almost all I seem to read now lol). I remember thinking the premise wouldn’t be my thing, but I had seen it mentioned a few times and decided to give it a try. I tend not to love the over the top parallels to the book/show, so at the first “you gave it away?” I thought it was going to repeat lines too much and almost stopped reading! Thankfully I kept reading!!! I also didn’t realize it was a WIP when I started, so I followed along with updates as they came out from near the beginning. I prefer to read my stories in one go, but it was really awesome to follow along as this story progressed. I’ve read it all again many times and it’s just written so well! Someone also made a printed version of it, which looks amazing, check it out here! 

3. Good Neighbours, Good Fences (and Other Misunderstandings)

by out_there ( @out-there-tmblr )

(link to cover and my recommendation here)

Rated E Another that I see recommended often, but for good reason! It’s just so lovely. I love the descriptions of both Crowley and Aziraphale (”He's not a twenty-four year old twink anymore; he can't get away with hot pants and a mesh shirt” just is so amazing). Their banter is fantastic and so is the natural way their relationship evolves. This one is fairly short (IMO) and I have no idea how many times I’ve read it, it’s one I saved a long time ago and reread often.

4. Anthophilia

by FortinbrasFTW ( @fortinbrasftw )

(link to cover and my recommendation here)

Rated E More Human AU? Yeah, yeah, I know. This one came out before the show so it’s been around for quite some time. Seems like everyone has read this already, but you definitely should if you haven’t yet. Every now and then I search AO3 fics to look for something new and if I sort by total kudos, bookmarks, or comments this one is always near the top. It is so so good. I have read this at least five or six times so far. Love both A and C in this with an awesome Anathema as well.

5. Shotgun Wedding: sometimes a first date requires paperwork

By charlottemadison ( @charlottemadison42 )

(link to cover and my recommendation here)

Rated E Kind of cheating with this one (but I made the rules! Oh wait, no rules, carry on), but this story has captured me since the beginning! I tried valiantly to wait until it was finished, but I’m really glad I didn’t because I get so excited when it updates and I love charlotte’s posts with fun gifs when there are updates. I held out for awhile, but the post with a snippet of conversation at the bar with Aziraphale, Tracy, Shadwell, and Anathema pulled me in (looks like it’s in chapter 10) and read it before I could stop myself lol. I live in New England and I loved the time put into sounding out their accents. It caught my attention and I’ve been hooked ever since! I’ve reread it from the start so many times already! The insights into relationships (in general and romantic) are so insightful! And the premise is superb. I also love the small easter egg things but that they don’t pull me out of the story but are so amazing when you catch them (I’ll be honest, read chapter 30 too fast and the therapist “Herb” went totally over my head! I love Demonology and I didn’t catch it!). The writing is phenomenal! This one’s an all time favorite, I am both excited and already sad about it finishing up soon. 

So what are your favorites? I’m sure I’ll be posting more at some point! It was really hard to narrow it down to five. Basically if I’ve made a cover out of it, then it’s a favorite of mine. ;) But I'd love to hear yours!