#but today is one of those days where i'm really upset about being sick

[greghatecrimes]

.

[gatheredfates]

Playerscope, modding and the hunt for aesthetic: why you should be more upset about mods and community expectations than you already are.

I love that this sounds like an academic paper but HONESTLYYYY. I need to put my thoughts to paper in regards to my burnout with xiv, otherwise I think I'll go insane. This is a controversial yet brave post. I am well aware that I partake in some of the things I'm going to be critiquing; aka, "thank you, dinklebottom, we live in a society." I'm also not critiquing mods from a space of offering more accessibility to people and/or facilitating representation not currently offered within the context of the game. There is nuance to every discussion and I'm coming at this from an overarching view around mods and community expectations/standards rather than player joy. I hope this makes sense. I'm also predominately writing from a roleplay perspective, though I'm sure a lot of what I end up saying can reflect in the art party/social space. Just know if I haven't mentioned the latter it's because that's not my scene and I don't pretend to know otherwise.

Anyway. For those who don't know, there's a new mod that's causing some strife in the xiv community called Playerscope. Here is the reddit thread about it. I'm not going to be talking too much about the mod in general because that's not the point of this post, but seeing discussion around it today just made me feel more exhausted than I already am when it comes to modding and the xiv community around it. It made me realise... I'm actually really sick to death of mods. I'm sick to death of what they're doing to the community when it comes to gatekeeping, policing and in general the interactions we have with each other in the community.

Let me explain: I wrote a post about the roleplay mod on bsky that kind of articulates at a surface level what I mean.

I think what makes me sad, which I'm sure is echoed by a lot of people, is that mods feel like the standard now rather than an option and that there's a certain expectation for people to have them if they want to engage with facets of the community—whether intentional or not.

Unlike XIV, WoW has a supported mod scene (within reason) and TRP 2 and the like have been accepted for years now. In a space where people can't slap on an RP tag, having that tool readily identifies you as a writer/roleplayer and you can include as much or as little of your character as you like. The general idea is if you have one of these tools enabled, you're a roleplayer to some capacity. You can dress up the profile to a certain degree, you can add links and supported pictures, but you're mostly reliant on what you put to paper in regards to your character. Even then, I find filling out what my character is doing currently and marking the rest as a WIP doesn't necessarily exclude me from roleplay if I want to find it. A lot of people will do that and a super simple description to incite interest around their oc.

These days in XIV... I don't know. I do think communities have gotten more insular—it's why I'm so pedantic about trying to find them for the Compendium—but I also think mods and, to a certain extent, the 'nightclub' scene have gotten in the way of it as well. My argument is such.

I want to go to an event (for example sake, I'll call it Seascape). In order to fully participate, I may need:

Their discord.

A roleplay addon.

A carrd/google site/etc.

Their synchshell (including mods, mare and everything else)

Potentially a mod of some description so people know I can see theirs (and vice versa).

Also that your mod isn't made by a shitty person.

Appropriate understanding of the scene/social space.

Some luck and a prayer that it's an inclusive space and not a closed rp group advertising as being open and/or a mod showcase advertising itself as something different.

Like??? Holy shit you guys. If you are someone who doesn't want to mod because you're worried about repercussions it really just feels like a big 'fuck you, good luck'.

And let me be clear, not every community is like this. I'm incredibly lucky to have found fantastic roleplay within my own rp event/community, I have great friends who run awesome, inclusive events for people of any skill (writing or otherwise) and I do fully believe you can just enable the rp tag and find fun, fulfilling roleplay. But I've also found the above a lot of times, too. I've had people point-blank get mad at my partner because he won't install mods and try to exclude and/or circumvent him in spaces. It's weird. I've been to events where the only time I felt like I got proper interaction(s) was when I joined the aforementioned, even if I have my character's profile linked in my about. It's weird.

Honestly, no wonder new roleplayers feel overwhelmed. Not only do they have to learn roleplay etiquette, they have to be a mod expert overnight? It feels less about what someone can bring to the table as far as a story but what mods they can install to either look cool or pass an unspoken social barrier. As much as I'm down bad for aesthetic and looking the part, I hate it being at the cost of accessibility and fun for someone else.

Arguably it's the same for gposing and the like as well, which contributes to my exhaustion alongside all the graphical changes and I just. I'm gnawing at the bars of my cage.

I don't think it's going to change and arguably it's more of a Twitter/X issue than a Tumblr, one but Tumblr lets me write mini essays and Twitter will tell me to kms.

Ergo, I'll go with the essay-writing platform.

Anyway, I guess this is just a reminder that you don't need 4596419651 mods to be in the community and that people should be more vigilant on including people who don't have them for whatever reason, provided they operate in good-faith and want to contribute. I think we're careening to a slippery slope of expectation for something unsupported and I don't like it.

[wolls-angel]

୨୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅flu season - j. woll⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧

pairing: j. woll x fem!reader summary: It's flu season in Toronto and Joseph gets pneumonia. Oh no !! This is just a little snippet of Y/N taking care of him while his body fights against this virus. request: since woller is sick at the moment would you be able to write something where he’s not feeling well and you’re taking care of him? word count: 1019 warning(s): kinda short, not proof read notes: i had pneumonia over the summer and it was the worst experience of my life. i was dead for like two weeks and it took my 4 months to fully recover. really channeling that energy into this fic. i hope you love it !! xoxo

Your favourite grocery store was empty on this Thursday morning in January. It's cold but there is no snow on the ground. It's about 9 AM as you wander around the produce section, grabbing things to make soup for your sick boyfriend, who is currently lying at home with pneumonia.

Chicken, got it. Celery, got it. Carrots, got it. Noodles, got it. Might as well grab some cold medicine while you're here.Y ou stand in the checkout line and wait for the young girl (maybe no older than 18) to finish scanning your groceries.

"I can bag them, love, don't worry," you say, pulling out your debt card to pay. She smiles and says, "You have a lovely day".

"You too".

The drive home is long and tedious. Downtown Toronto is bustling now. People on their way to work, getting coffee, dropping their kids off at school. These are mundane moments you cherish. Dating a pro athlete is hard when all you want is some peace. He's always gone or busy. Sometimes it's nice to not have to rush home after work to head to a game or dinner or the gym.

You took work off today after Joseph's diagnosis yesterday. He was upset that he would be out of the Toronto Maple Leafs line up for the next few games. Taking the day off to take care of him was the least you could do to cheer him up. In fact, he practically begged you.

"Joey, baby, I'm home," you open the door to you shared condo and hear the tv from your bedroom. After setting down the grocery bags and your purse, you take off your coat and hang it up in the closet. Nothing has changed since you left your apartment earlier. You wander down the hall and into you bedroom, seeing Joe half-asleep, tucked into bed watching Big Bang Theory. Exactly how you left him.

He turns on his side slightly when he hears the door open. "Hmmm, you're home," he blinks slowly and smiles softly, sighing. It's good to see that he can take deep breaths without coughing a lung up. You make your way over to the bed and sit down beside him. He leans on you. "How are you feeling, sweetie?", you ask, running your fingers through his tangled hair. He just nod, "I'm feeling ok". You nod.

"Eat anything yet?"

He nods his head and points to the empty bowl on the nightstand, "Oatmeal with banana". "Good," you say in response, "I have the thermometer. Open wide". He does as he's told. The thermometer beeps after a few seconds under Joe's tongue. It reads 100.5 degrees. "Still have the fever," you say. You put your hand on his forehead, leave it for a second and then trace your fingers over his stubble covered cheek. "Ok, now antibiotics," you hand him two pills and a glass of cold water from his nightstand. He sits up a little bit and tosses back the pills. As he swallows, you give him a quick kiss on his warm forehead.

After being in a few long term relationships you have learnt a few things. One of those things being that when men are sick, all they want is someone to take care of them. They will listen to anything you say as long as you are helping them through their ailment. Whether it be a cold or cancer.

"I got your mom to send me her soup recipe. I'm gonna make a whole pot of it for the next few days," you open your phone and show him the recipe, "It's chicken noodle". He nods, "Sounds good". You get up to leave and get started on the soup, but Joe grabs your hand.

"What?" you turn, a confused look on your face. "Stay with me, baby, please," Joe looks up at you, his big blue eyes boring into your soul, like a little puppy. "I just ate. I'm not hungry and..." he fake coughs, leading him to cough very hard for real, "I'm sick".

You sigh. You really should get started on the soup, but he looks so sad and sweet, lying there waiting for you to lay down next to him. He pats the white comforter beside him as if to beckon you into his warm embrace. You smile and say, "Only for a bit, Joe. I need to start on the soup," while climbing in beside him.

About 45 minutes go by and Joe is fast asleep on your shoulder. You laugh slightly at the sight of his open mouth and the sound of his snores.

You called his mother yesterday to see if you could do anything to make him feel more at home (because Toronto in the winter is very different than St. Louis) and she said, "No, sweetheart, he just needs to rest. I'm a firm believer that sleep is the best medicine but that's especially true for our Joey. Been like that since he was a kid". Your remember the smile on your face when she said "our Joey". You had only met Shelley, his mom, once or twice, but she had been so welcoming that you felt like you'd known her for years.

Joe looks so peaceful while sleeping. He always does, but because he is sick, he looks it even more. You lean down slowly and go in to kiss him, but before you can, he wakes. "Hey there, Joey, feeling ok?" you say, with a small smile. He groans, stretching his back and arms, "Yeah. I feel better". He takes another deep breath and rubs his eyes. You smile and kiss his cheek, "Wanna come help me make the soup now?".

"Sure. Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for taking care of me. You're the greatest girlfriend ever. I'm gonna marry you one day. I promise."

You are slightly taken aback by his comment but, nevertheless, you smile. How lucky could you possibly be? Getting this perfect man and being able to call him yours. "Of course, Joe, I love you."

"I love you too, Y/N"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being too close to my childhood best friend?

(This is so long I'm so sorry, there's just a fair bit of info.)

Me (22F) and Jake (23F) grew up together. Our mothers were friends for years and got pregnant around the same time, and we've basically been side by side our whole lives. We consider each other platonic soulmates and siblings.

Jake has had a girlfriend (Lucy, 23F) for the last seven months. I really like Lucy, she's so funny, so interesting, and she clearly makes Jake happy. There's been one or two awkward moments between us, but its never been anything that lingered or caused problems.

Now I know how people generally act/think about "the girl best friend" so when Jake said he was thinking of asking Lucy out, I made sure to back off a bit. Instead of having a brate (bro date, just hanging out doing something like bowling, Maccas, movie theatre, ect) once a week I said we should have one once a month, I don't call him just to hang on the phone together anymore, I make sure to not message at all on the days I know they have dates planned, ect.

I've really, really done my best to not get in the way, to make sure Lucy knows he really is just my brother, and I've tried to give them both space as someone who is not involved in their relationship.

I thought I was doing really well because its never really come up until this week. It was Jake and I's brate day and we decided to go to the mall so I could shop for clothes and he could get the slushies he likes there. Lucy knew where we'd be, and "happened" to show up, which was fine. Like I said, I like hanging out with her, and I actually thought it was cool I could get another girl's opinion on my outfit.

Jake decided to try on some clothes too while he was there and it turned into something of a mini fashion show of both of us showing off our possible choices. Lucy seemed to alternate between really having fun and going quiet. She refused to try on any herself but grinning and laughing while Jake and I were, and while we were taking turns playfully hyping each other up.

Jake tried on a pair of jeans and I was teasing him and said "damn dude, look at all that ass" trying to make him embarrassed. This was when Lucy muttered something I didn't quite hear, and politely suggested I should leave. Both Jake and I were really confused and taken aback and Lucy kind of shrugged and said things like this were things couples should do, and it was really inappropriate of me to make a sexual comment about her boyfriend while she was right there.

I didn't want to make a scene so I said I'd go, but Jake argued back and said it was clearly just joking around and he's sick of her getting upset at literally anything I do, or he does with me, which was surprising because it was the first I heard that she's had actual complaints.

We all wound up sitting down in the food court to talk and Lucy basically said that she's growing more and more uncomfortable with how close Jake and I are as her and Jake get closer, even though Jake and I's interactions have drastically dropped since they started dating. She thinks its weird we have friendship bracelets (our families went on a double vacation when we were 14 and me and Jake bought those cheap seaside shell bracelets in matching colors, that's literally it) and we hang out alone once a month (even though she's been invited multiple times and always refuses) and she thinks its even weirder than our families are so close and call us siblings.

I won't lie, it killed me inside, but I offered to back off entirely and only be around Jake in group settings, if at all, but Jake cut in and said that wasn't a compromise he was willing to make, and asked Lucy to talk more in private. They left together and trying to be respectful, I haven't reached out at all to either of them while they talk it through.

Jake's mom came over today to hang out with mine, and wound up telling me the last few days Jake has been stressed out, miserable, and isn't sure about staying with Lucy. She said it was a shame because Lucy seemed so nice, but she also said she was proud of him because I was family and Lucy's insecurity wasn't reasonable.

It made me feel sad and like I was hurting Jake by interfering with his relationship again, so I asked some of my online friends from a game I play and the opinion was kind of split. They all agreed I've never spoken about Jake in a way that hinted I liked him, but also that as girls, they'd feel weird anyway about knowing their boyfriend had this close bond with another girl, and they'd be wondering what the future would look like and if our friendship would get in the way of choices like moving, starting a family.

Now I feel completely lost and honestly a little scared of both losing Jake and apparently ruining his life by being so close to him. None of the rest of our IRL friend group has ever brought anything up about it, and I don't know if this is Lucy being jealous or if this is my fault.

What are these acronyms?

[myloveleeknow]

just for anyone wondering (life update)

no, i did not shift on that thursday. no, i'm not angry in the slightest. i unfortunately had to face one of my extreme fears (heights) because we were going on a trip to ZA the 26th. i failed every single time after thursday, but i wasn't bothered a bit! the two plane rides were much more underwhelming than i thought, and i managed to stay positive throughout the beginning of my trip when i felt most out of place!

i would get that feeling like "oh my god i want out", "this isn't where i wanna be", "i don't wanna live this life", and immediately i would remind myself i could shift! it was like those negative thoughts didn't affect me anymore.

anyway by this point in my recap it's a happy new year! even though that day i was so drained and sad (i had just lost a friend in my shifting friendgroup who turned out be an awful person). now the next 3 days are just bringing back the bond i had with my other 7 friends and just having a ton of fun. and now, we make it to today! the day i realized i had no reason to be upset about how i had failed my attempt at manifesting my dream life, despite being extremely motivated and all the circumstances being perfect. (i even wore my most comfy pjs 😭)

i was helping one of my friends by introducing her to shiftblr (someone from the shifting fg) and i put her on to a lucid dreaming method that u could use to enter the void state. she'd also entered the void state once before which was nice. anyway i'm kinda yapping this part doesn't really matter but the method does! i had another shifting realization that took me an INSANE amount of time to realize.

i was way too obsessed with my first official experience being perfect.

and how do i know this?

i refused to believe that i could shift on my period.

i also refused to try to shift when i got sick.

i thought if i was sad i couldn't shift.

i was obsessed with awake methods and i thought if i moved or scratched an itch i would be taken out of the trance (this hardened into reality unfortunately)

you see the issue? and i think what makes it even worse is that i KNEW none of this played a role in whether i could shift or not. when i would help baby shifters i would tell them they could feel any way they wanted, they could move anytime they wanted, hell, one of the first shifting experiences i'd seen someone put in a tiktok comment section involved her shifting to escape her period cramps! (she was already on it)

now! what does this have to do with the lucid dreaming method i spoke to my dearest friend about? with lucid dreaming, we know this but i'ma say it again. you are already not aware of your cr. you dont need to do extra steps, you don't need to be extremely relaxed, you don't need to affirm until you fall asleep or any of that! even the method i planned to use that i said was really gonna get me this time, is still harder than simply lucid dreaming! i was worried about all these variables, when i completely forgot that the lucid dreaming method is the ultimate lazy method of all time! i could lucid dream while being sad, on my period, sick, and after moving around a lot! you wanna know how i know? take this morning for example.

today jan 5th, i woke up at 4am and stayed up till somewhere around 9. i was watching one of my comfort movies (bratz, specifically the live action), and talking and giggling with that same shifting fg on discord. i made ramen for myself and had a brief interaction with my mom. i finished the whole movie and realized how tired i was, and went back to bed. now the wbtb method is usually for 10-50 minutes, and you're not meant to use screens. i was awake for nearly 6 HOURS, and by then the wbtb method is null and i'm just awake. i didn't intend to do anything besides sleep, and i had a vivid dream at first, but then i had a false awakening and started realizing what was going on. i don't really feel like explaining the full details of my dream, but know that at some point i realize "wait... i could use this to-" and i cut myself off with a brief "nah" and decided to kill the creature in my room (it was probably gonna become a lucid nightmare).

i'd completely forgotten i naturally have vivid dreams and lucid dreams! and that singular conscious thought helped me take control of my dream. if it isn't obvious by now, i tend to overlook and underlook and it's KILLING ME. but, i'm much happier now knowing that i had a kinda sorta shifting experience while being in ZA when i'm usually extremely hot and uncomfortable in my room (i also have to share a room with my sister).

yea guys i'm pretty happy now! i feel just as motivated as i did then, but i know for a fact that none of those things i was worried about can stop me! (also i've disproved the moving while shifting and swallowing while shifting before, so i have no idea why i still thought i couldn't shift after doing that!!)

byeeee next time i post directly it will likely be my success story!

[derrydyyke]

Letters.

tw; drug/alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation/attempt.

Monday, March 6th, 2017

Eddie,

I don't really know what to say here. My therapist (Ben & Bev finally got me to go. I don't really think it's working.) told me to try journaling, and I really did try but nothing came out. Imagine that, huh? Me, with absolutely nothing to say. So he told me to maybe try writing to a specific person. Like letters, I guess. That it might make it easier to come up with things to say. And I guess that part does make sense, I mean there are about a million things I wish I could say to you. Mostly just that I really fuckin miss you, man. He told me to write whenever I felt like drinking, or using. I told him that I don't think he understands that I'd be selling novels like Bill does if I wrote every single time I feel like that. So we agreed to at least try it on the extra hard nights. And today was six months since... Well, you know. I don't think I can say it yet. I feel sick when I try to talk about it. That's another thing we're working on. Um. Anyways, I guess I just wanna say that I miss you. I wish we had more time together. That fucking clown stole thirty years we all could've had with each other and then as soon as we found each other again it had to take you away from me for good. It's not fucking fair. Fuck this. Therapy and journaling is bullshit. It's not the same, It's not like I can actually talk to you. Now I'm just writing AND drinking. Shit. It's midnight already. At least that awful fucking day is over. Hey, Happy Birthday to me. Who thought I'd see 41? Not me, that's for sure. Especially after these past few months. Fuck Paul, dude, what am I even paying this guy for? I'm wrapping this up. There's a bottle of vikes and a bottle of Makers Mark calling my name. Goodnight, Eds. I can't fuckin' tell you enough how badly I wish you were here. You'd smack the shit out of me, maybe knock some sense into me. I know you would. You're the only one that could.

Thursday, March 23rd, 2017

Eds,

I read (some of) my last letter to you to Paul. Out loud. It was super uncomfortable and I hated it just like everything else about therapy. He said it was a good start (didn't know I was being graded???) but that I stopped and gave up as soon as I started to talk about what happened and like. My feelings and stuff. He wants me to "delve deeper" into some of that. I guess. I don't know. Who talks like that? I don't know how any of that is supposed to help. I spend 90% of my time trying not to feel those things and he just wants me to make casual small talk with my dead friend about it. Where do you think he got his degree? WebMD? Because I'm 100% sure that this letter alone will fuel my next bender. Let's see. I have.. a lot of feelings about everything that happened. And not a fucking clue on how to talk about a single one of them. I guess I'm still pretty angry at our friends, but if I say that then I'm somehow the asshole so I just don't. I'm sad, obviously. I mean you.. died. Jesus. I just realized I said it earlier too. That you're dead. That doesn't feel like progress, I think I'm gonna be fucking sick.

I'm back. Good thing I'm not really sending these to you. You'd be pretty upset about the vomit stains on the paper. You'd probably burn this. Anyways. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a little fucked up over watching you get shish-kabobbed right on top of me. I only see it every time I close my eyes. And I always wake up half expecting to be right there again. Like. Like part of me never moved from that spot. I've walked around feeling kinda hollow my entire life. And when I saw you in the restaurant, it was the first time in so long that I felt whole again. And you were gone again so fuckin' fast. And now it's like. I have never felt more empty and alone in my entire life. Like it physically hurts somewhere in my chest when I think about you but at the same time I'm so afraid I'll forget you again. I don't want to forget you this time. No matter how badly it hurts to remember. I won't. Never again. I think I have to stop for now, I can't even see what I'm writing anymore. On the bright side, I'm so emotionally exhausted I don't even need to get high to go to sleep tonight. Goodnight, Eddie. I miss you. And I love you. Like really fucking love you. I've never told anyone that. But I guess that's for another letter. Night.

Wednesday, April 12th, 2017

Eddie,

I'm writing you from the hospital because our "friends" are a bunch of fucking assholes and so are these doctors. Ben found me asleep on my bathroom floor and called 911 (I know it sounds bad but I swear I just partied too hard, I would've been fuckin' fine with some water and a pop-tart.) The hospital wanted to admit me involuntarily, but apparently Bill called my parents and I mean how am I supposed to argue with my mom while she's crying because Ben opened his stupid mouth and said my lips were blue when he found me? It's all a bunch of dramatic bullshit and I just wanna go home and instead I'm stuck in here until the psychiatrist with the douchey haircut says I'm not a threat to myself. I haven't even spoken to my parents in the longest time. I didn't want them here. I don't want anyone here. The look on my mom's face when I told her I'd only stay if they left will probably stay with me forever. But hey, I'm not the one who dragged them all the way out here. Bill is such a dick.

Saturday, July 15th, 2017

Hey, Eds.

Sorry, I know it's been a while. I'm a little bit fucked up right now. Shit has been not so great. Rehab was fucking miserable, and a waste of time and money (as you can tell). A lot has happened these past few months. I completely bombed a couple of shows. I don't even remember the second one. But I saw the video. Pretty sure everyone has. It was pretty bad. That's okay though. I'm starting over. I fired my manager, Steve. He's a good guy, and when I fired him we'd been in the middle of an argument, but I guess he was trying to be helpful? I don't know. Everyone is on my ass about the drinking like I'm 16 or something. I'm an adult. That's not the point, it wasn't the reason I fired him. I fired him because I finally realized why I liked him so much. He reminds me of you. Like. So much, Eds, I can't believe I didn't notice sooner. I was searching for you even when I couldn't remember who you were anymore. I know I said it in my letter a few months ago, But I never really got to tell you so now all I can do is try. I love you, Eddie. I love you. I'm in love with you. And I don't know if you would've thought that's weird, or gross, or if you would've even ever spoke to me again if you'd known. But I still wish I told you. You deserved love that wasn't also manipulation or control or abuse. And I have so much love for you, always have and always will. And I was too much of a pussy to tell you. If I'm being honest, I still am. I don't think I'll ever come out. If you were alive, I probably wouldn't tell you even now. But I wish that I would. I wish I had. I don't think you ever would've looked at me that way but it's nice to imagine sometimes. The life we could've had. Maybe one of these nights I'll dream about that and not about what actually happened. Goodnight, Eddie, my love.

Wednesday, September 6th, 2017

Eddie,

It's been a year. Today marks one year since we lost you. This has easily been the worst year of my entire fucking life. I wish we would've just left. I wish we didn't listen when Bill and Mike came back and spewed all of that bullshit about a ritual that didn't fucking work anyways. You died anyways. And I'd give up the rest of my life for ten good years with you even with the "horrible death" that Bev saw. I don't care. I'd take it. I'd take anything over this. I'm so fucking lost, Eds. I don't know if I said this in my last letter, I stopped going to therapy. I fuckin' hated it. I hated therapy. And I'm still writing in this stupid little notebook to someone who will never even read it just because I am that lonely and pathetic. I'm all alone and I fucking miss you so god damn much. I miss you so much. I don't talk to any of our friends anymore. I think they're sick of me, and I don't blame them. Bev said she didn't want me around when the baby comes. Not like this. But I don't think there's another version of me in there anymore. I think this is all that's left.

My mom died. She died last week and the last time I spoke to her was in the hospital back in April, when her and my dad flew across the country to come be here for me and I told them to fucking leave or I would refuse treatment. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here. All this time I've wished that I had more time to know you all grown up but now? Now I'm glad that at least you don't have to know me. I'm a horrible fucking person. All of our friends think so, and my mom died wondering where she went wrong. I hope you thought I was cool for those couple of days, even if you were wrong.

"Hello, This is Beverly Marsh. Thank you for calling. I sincerely apologize for missing your call..."

"Hello, you've reached Ben Hanscom at Hanscom Architecture. I'm unable to come to the phone right now..."

"Hi, you've reached Mike Hanlon. Leave a message..."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Bill, H-Hey, It's uh. It's Richie. Call me back, man."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Bill? It's Richie again. Call me back when you get this. Please. I know it's been a while and things have been.. Just call me."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Bill, It's Richie. I'm suh-sorry. I'm so sorry. Please pick up, man. Please call me back, I really need you."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Come on, I'll do anything. I'll do anything, Bill, just please p-pick up the fuckin' phone. Please. One more chance. Please I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I can't do it. I ruined everything, and I'm all alone and I'm fuckin' scared, man, Can you just--"

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the--"

"Fuck!"

Friday, January 12th, 2018

Eddie,

You would be so fuckin' mad at me right now. Like for a lot of things but especially for this. I just want to say that I'm sorry. When you died, For a whole day before I left Derry I told myself that I wouldn't let you saving my life go to waste. That I would live my life to the fullest because you couldn't anymore. That I owed it to you. And at the time I really meant it. I really wanted to honor you. Like I said, that lasted about a day. Life without you in it when I couldn't remember you was pretty miserable. Life without you in it now that I remember, now that I know you existed and that you're gone now, it's fucking unbearable. I've become unbearable. I can't stand it here, I can't stand myself, none of the people I love can stand me anymore. I'm never going to move past this and I've fought everyone who tried to help me move past it tooth and nail. I'm not going to get better and that's on me. I just don't have it in me. And everyone who tries to help me just gets hurt because I'm a fucking prick. So.. I think I should probably just do the world a favor and wrap things up here. I think it would be best. I hate the world and the world hates me back (at least we have that in common.) Nobody really knows what comes next. But if there is a heaven and a hell, I'm afraid I might not see you. So I guess this is goodbye, again. I love you, Eddie. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I wanted to get it right. I don't think I ever stood a chance if I'm being totally honest. I've never really felt like I belonged here anyways. Not in a long time. I was scared earlier. Called Bill, and Bev, and Ben, and Mike a bunch of times. They don't answer anymore, and I guess I understand. I do. I do understand. I wouldn't want me around anymore either. But anyways, I'm not afraid anymore. I actually feel kind of relieved that it's over, or about to be. No more nightmares, or withdrawals, or making my friends or my parents cry. It'll finally all be over. And when I drift off, I'll think of you, Eds. I'm always thinking of you. I love you. I'm sorry. Goodnight.

"Bottoms up." Richie sighed. Not bothering with a glass this time as he tipped the bottle of bourbon back and practically chugged it, chasing a few Vicodin. He spent the next few minutes crushing the pills against the coffee table in the hotel room into dust and snorting them. Occasionally stopping for another swig from his bottle. Once he was all out of Vicodin, and half way done with the bourbon, He stood up.

"Woah..." He stumbled, Catching himself on the dresser. He felt everything coming back up, but he swallowed it again. Shaking his head stubbornly.

"No. No, It's time. I'm fucking-- I'm doing this. Don't fuck this up." He said to nobody in particular, voice slurring. Taking a few shaky breaths and stabilizing himself. He turned on some music to try and distract from the ringing in his ears, drinking some more. He drank until the room was spinning, and then he kept going. Hardly making it across the room to get to the balcony, knocking things over on his way. His hands were shaking so hard, lighting a cigarette took more than one try, but he managed. Staring at the midnight sky and rocking back and forth where he sat on the balcony, letting the numbness overtake him. Originally, when he'd stood back up, it was to try and head back inside. Maybe draw a bath, or curl up and drift off to an eternal sleep in the king size bed. Instead, He used the railing of the balcony to pull himself to his feet, stared at the sky for another minute, wiped his tears and climbed right over. And then he let go.

There was a loud, gut wrenching, sickening crack. And Richie awoke with a start, gasping. Jolting awake in the hammock across from Eddie, limbs flailing as he tried to catch himself before realizing he wasn't.. falling? Not only was he not falling, He wasn't in California and he was suddenly years younger than he'd been a moment ago. What. The fuck?

"Richie. Hey. Are you okay?" Richie's eyes went wide as he turned his head towards the voice that couldn't possibly belong to,

"Stanley.." He breathed, disbelief, breath starting to pick up. Eyes immediately shifting to the boy pressed snugly into the hammock with him.

"Eds.." His voice cracked, breathing faster, tears spilling over before he could even feel them coming. Hardly noticing the way every pair of eyes in the clubhouse was on him, full of concern.

"Woah, R-Richie, Hey. W-What's--"

"I'm sorry, guys. I'm so fucking sorry. God, I'm so sorry for everything, for all of it, I--" He cried so hard it was difficult to understand him.

"What are you t-talking about?" Bill asked, genuinely baffled and extremely worried.

"Yeah, Rich, What's going on?" Bev asked softly, hand going to rest on his shoulder. He jumped the second it made contact.

"Don't-- Don't touch me, please, don't touch me. I'm sorry. I'm-- Jesus fuck, I can't--"

"Richie, breathe.." Stan soothed.

"I'm not supposed to be here.."

"What?"

"I thought I was gonna die." Richie sobbed.

The others looked at each other in concern and what was slowly becoming panic. Not sure what prompted this or how to help. Seeing Richie cry was pretty rare. But this was.. It was more than his occasional sniffly, watery eyes, wobbly pouted lip and abrasive attempts to deflect. This was a breakdown like they'd never seen before, Especially not from him. He was crying so hard, he was literally gasping for air as Stan tried to soothe him and help him breathe. The other thing that didn't sit right with a single one of them was how the most physically affectionate of the group of them had suddenly reacted to physical contact like it'd burned him. Nobody knew what to do.

Least of all Richie. Was this some kind of sick joke?

Or was it a second chance?

[gremlintheslut]

Forever theirs

Redone

Chapters 4, 4.5 and 5

(i wanted to make up for missing 2 posts but i would of posted 4 and 4.5 together so heres 3 chapters)

Master list

Chapter 4 safe?

Finn thrusts in and out at an inhuman pace. I feel the coil in my stomach tighten for the 9th time today. We have been doing it like rabbits in my boss's office all day. Then I hear a timer go off. "home time baby girl" Balor utters against my neck and before I know it I'm in well... Somewhere else.

We're laying down on silk sheets, the place looks like a sex dungeon and my mind is going a million miles an hour. "calm down we're at my place" he says as he continues to fuck me. I nod my head and try to focus on how good I feel but the weird stomach feeling is back.

A part of me wants to tell him to stop or to take us to my house but nothing will come out of my mouth. The coil in my tummy finally breaks and I come undone for the 9th time. Next thing I know Finn is painting my walls with his seed. He pulls out and lay beside me. "I know I probably should have asked before I took us here but I think you will have a lot of fun here," he says and I look at all of the toys surrounding us.

I know what he says is true as my eyes lock onto a toy I recognize. "not today baby get some rest your gonna need it for tomorrow" he chuckles before getting up and returning a little while later with a washcloth.

After cleaning me up he kisses me and climbs into bed next to me. "I'll never take another client again" he whispers. I don't know what to say. Obviously he means not me included. I decide to stay silent and try to fall asleep. It's hard to ignore his previous words but after a few minutes, we fall asleep but I can't help but feel upset when I wake up.

I'm home. In my bed. Alone. He has left and I wonder if he tricked me into thinking he cared so he could fuck me and leave. His euphoric effects are quickly canceled out by anxiety and fear. My head is still foggy but I'm no where near happy. this has never happened so quickly before i never knew the euphoria could leave so fast. I Get ready for work and check the date to make sure it wasn't all a dream. it wasn't. All of it was real and I guess I'll find out if he really cares today.

He hasn't gone a single day without popping up and fucking me or at least trying to. When I get to work I'm shocked that my boss isn't waiting for me so she can ridicule me. Then I'm even more shocked to find out that everyone is looking for her.

The last time anyone heard from her was yesterday when I was in her office for half the day with the door locked. The only excuse I can think of is that she was screaming at me for violating the dress code and wouldn't let me flaunt myself around the office so I had to stay with her the whole day.

I told everyone that story and that she looked pale and she might be sick and being her normal bitchy self by ignoring everone. The whole day I can't stop thinking about what Finn said. He was sure she wouldn't be back soon. What did he say to her? What did he do? Those thoughts distract me for most of the day until I leave my desk to go to the bathroom. Usually, Finn would pop up and try to have a quickie in a stall but he doesn't.

He hasn't shown up at all today. Or maybe he has and I haven't noticed. No. I would know. he hates being ignored and he wouldn't leave me alone if I didn't notice he was there. Wait. He hates being ignored. This could just be pay back for not saying anything last night.

Then the tears fall as i think of how stupid i was to say yes. Then i know this isn't pay back. If he wasn't a liar than he woupd pop up to comfort me. He'd never want to make me this sad. I was right. He used me and now my boss is missing and people might think I did something to her. No one saw me or her leave. I am filled with anxiety, sadness, and confusion. I wipe the tears from my face and leave the bathroom.

Warning: omorashi(piss kink) there will be an alternate version after this

The second I sit back down I realize that I didn't pee and I need to go pretty badly. The office is full and everyone would notice if I got back up. I sit silently squeezing my thighs together. The need gets worse and worse but my shift is almost over and it is nowhere near an acceptable time to go back to the bathroom.

I might actually piss myself on the walk home. I check the time and I can finally leave. "hey y/n can you stay a little longer?!" I hear the co-worker that's covering for my boss call out. "no!" I reply quite loudly and scramble to the door.

I get out of the building and begin to run. Then I leak. A decent-sized wet patch is left on my panties and I'm forced to slow down. At this point, it's dribbling out of me and I hobble as fast as I can into the ally I use as a shortcut. Another spurt comes out and it goes down my legs.

Then I bump into someone knocking me down and making me lose control for a few seconds. I'm sure there's a wet patch on the butt of my skirt. "you alright there love?" I hear a very familiar voice say. One I've been wanting to hear all day but suddenly want to be left alone by.

He's been watching I know he has, he always does before he pops up. There's no way he doesn't know I'm about to piss myself. He grabs me by the arm and pulls me up. He is holding most of my body weight as my legs are shaking and I can't keep myself up. My face is red and I grab onto the wall with one hand and push Finn away with the other.

He lets me and steps aside as he watches me try not to release the liquid in my bladder in front of him. I keep trying to hobble down the ally with my hand pressed hard against my cunt eyes glued to the ground.

He creeps up behind me and grabs my right leg bringing my knee to chest height. I use both of my hands to hold myself. But he moves his hand from underneath my knee and replaces it with his inner elbow. Now both his hands are free he can restrain me properly. "no" I whimper out as I lose control again for a few seconds but I can barley gain control. There's a mini puddle growing beneath me.

I hear a chuckle in front of me and I look up. There are three people in front of us watching me piss myself slowly. 2 men and 1 woman. The woman gets up from the crate she was sitting on and walks towards me. She has a big grin on her face as she stares at my terrified one. She has sharp fangs and I know immediately she is Rhea. I take notice of the fact she's as pale as a ghost.

She puts her hand out and her fingers poke at my bulging bladder. Her smile widens her fangs more visible as she watches drops of piss go down my leg and into the puddle. I can hear the 2 men laughing at me but I'm too scared to look at them. I can hear Finn laughing at me too.

I squirm and whine as she puts more pressure on my bladder. I can tell they love what they see but I haven't gotten a single confirmation from Finn that I am safe. I think about my missing boss for a second before I'm brought back by the feeling and the tall woman's palm squeezing my bladder.

I lose control fully and for 2 whole minutes, I pissed and moaned at the relief. Whilst They all laugh at me.

Words-1408

Chapter 4.5 safe? Alt

Finn thrusts in and out at an inhuman pace. I feel the coil in my stomach tighten for the 9th time today. We have been doing it like rabbits in my boss's office all day. Then I hear a timer go off. "home time baby girl" Balor utters against my neck and before I know it I'm in well... Somewhere else.

We're laying down on silk sheets, the place looks like a sex dungeon and my mind is going a million miles an hour. "calm down we're at my place" he says as he continues to fuck me. I nod my head and try to focus on how good I feel but the weird stomach feeling is back.

A part of me wants to tell him to stop or to take us to my house but nothing will come out of my mouth. The coil in my tummy finally breaks and I come undone for the 9th time. Next thing I know Finn is painting my walls with his seed. He pulls out and lay beside me. "I know I probably should have asked before I took us here but I think you will have a lot of fun here," he says and I look at all of the toys surrounding us.

I know what he says is true as my eyes lock onto a toy I recognize. "not today baby get some rest your gonna need it for tomorrow" he chuckles before getting up and returning a little while later with a washcloth.

After cleaning me up he kisses me and climbs into bed next to me. "I'll never take another client again" he says. For a moment I'm shocked. Obviously he means me excluded. I don't know what to say so I jsut try to fall asleep. Of course it's hard to ignore his previous words but after a few minutes, we fall asleep but I can't help but feel upset when I wake up.

I'm home. In my bed. Alone. He has left and I wonder if he tricked me into thinking he cared so he fuck me and leave. The euphoric feeling he gave me is quickly canceled out by anxiety. My head us still foggy from it but I'm no where near happy. I never knew the euphoric feeling could leave so fast. I Get ready for work and check the date to make sure it wasn't all a dream it wasn't. All of it was real and I guess I'll find out if he really cares today. He hasn't gone a single day without popping up and fucking me or at least trying to.

When I get to work I'm shocked that my boss isn't waiting for me so she can ridicule me. Then I'm even more shocked to find out that everyone is looking for her. The last time anyone heard from her was yesterday when I was in her office for half the day with the door locked. The only excuse I can think of is that she was screaming at me for violating the dress code and wouldn't let me flaunt myself around the office so I had to stay with her the whole day.

I told everyone that story and that she looked pale and she might be sick. The whole day I can't stop thinking about what Finn said. He was sure she wouldn't be back soon? What did he say to her? What did he do? Those thoughts distract me for most of the day until I leave my desk to go to the bathroom.

Usually, Finn would pop up and try to have a quickie in a stall but he doesn't. He hasn't shown up at all today. Or maybe he has and I haven't noticed. No. I would know he hates being ignored and he wouldn't leave me alone if I didn't notice he was there. Wait. He hates being ignored. This could just be pay back for ignoring him last night. No if it was pay back he'd be watching and he'd pop up when he noticed how upset i was.

Then the tears fall. I was right. He used me and now my boss is missing and people might think I did something to her. No one saw me or her leave. I am filled with anxiety, sadness, and confusion. I wipe the tears from my face and leave the bathroom.

The day passes slowly. I finally get to go home. The walk is lonely and I keep getting the weird stomach feeling. I turn into the alleyway where all of this bullshit started and I fight off the urge to turn around and take the long way home. Then arms wrap around my waist. "miss me, princess?" the Irish voice reaches my ears and for a second I am happy before I remember everything about today.

I want to pry his hands off and slap him. Then a second set of hands rest on my shoulders. I look up and see a tall unfamiliar woman. "I have been dying to meet you, sweetheart," she says staring into my eyes and smiling. I can see fangs where 2 normal teeth should be and i know this is rhea. I feel one hand leave my shoulder but I am too afraid to look at what it's doing. 

A wet cloth is then placed over my mouth and I try to hold my breath. I feel lightheaded and I am forced to breathe in. Then I feel relaxed and weightless. My knees buckle and the 2 sets of arms catch me. I am slightly aware of 2 other people standing near us. I close my eyes and they dont open for a while.

Words-933

Chapter 5 unknown and uneasy

I wake up in a small dark room. It's cold but not freezing. I can feel eyes watching me but my body is so sore from sleeping on concrete I don't bother to look. I have been kidnapped. By a demon. of all things a demon. I can't leave. I probably never will.

"I know you awake," a deep voice says unlike Finn's from the corner. I turn my head and look at the man. He's tall as fuck and hairy too. if there was any chance of me getting out of here there isn't now. "what do you want?" I snap. There's no point in being nice they're going to kill me.

"Excuse you?" fangs on the top and bottom if his mouth show. he stares at me and I shrink back. The words 'I'm sorry' get so close to leaving my mouth but I stop them. He continues to stare at me expecting an apology. I turn my head away from his cold frightening eyes. He scoffs at me astonished that I had the nerve to not answer.

I hear him leave his spot in the corner. "let me rephrase that for you-" he grabs me by the hair pulling my sore limbs up. I grab at his hands and he swats me away with the other hand his slightly overly long nails scratching me. "apologize. or. regret. it." he says through his teeth. "I'm sorry" my voice wavers. "I won't say anything like that again." he drops me to the floor. "good bitch" I can hear the smile in his voice.

"This is how this is gonna work," he says grabbing my arm his nails scratching me again and pulling me up. He turns me to face him and he squats down in front of me. "you call me sir or daddy nothing fucking else got it?" he says sternly I nod my head. He grabs a hand full of my hair. "Got. it?!" he says louder. "yes" I squeak. He pulls harder. "yes who?!" he yells in my face and I flinch away. "yes sir" he lets go of my hair.

"you've met Finn properly, i guess you met Rhea but you still need to meet dom" he says "is rhea the woman I saw the other night?" He slaps me in the face. "that's not what you fucking call her you hear me?" he says. "yes sir" I repeat the same phrase from before. "you call her mommy, you call Finn master and you call dom Papi," he says and I nod my head to show him I'm listening.

"you can call any of us daddy we know you're into that," referring to the fact I'm a little. They must have been stalking me. They wouldn't have to for long before they figured it out but still. I can feel my face get hot and I look at the ground. They don't want to kill me. Do they?

I'm hesitant to ask. "sir?" "yes sweetheart?" my stomach churns at the nickname. "are you going to kill me?" I ask the question. He chuckles. "we don't want to. We really don't but, if you become a problem we can't just take you home" I look at the ground again. He puts 2 fingers under my chin and lifts my head. "we'll take good care of you" he says. Then he leans in and kisses me. I don't kiss back. I don't pull away I'm too scared to.

This is my life now. All the way until the end this is what it will be like. My eyes glass over with tears. When he pulls away he sees my fear and looks at me disappointed and seemingly disgusted. I try not to let the tears fall. I really do. But they fall. I cover my mouth with my hand as i begin to sob. But when Damian sees this he does something unexpected. He sits down, pulls me into his lap, and hugs me. HUGS. ME.

I'm sorry but what the actual fuck is going on. I cry harder and try to pull away. He holds me still and shush's me. Then the door opens.

Words-732

I know this is the shortest chapter yet sorry love ya-gremlin💞💋💗

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary395

10/21/24

monday

a guest is coming over tomorrow...

i think i am going to show him fear and hunger 1 and maybe 2, while we just bullshit about everything else, hopefully he won't be painfully tired or anything, from graveyard.

today i have been rather depressed, but i wrote a lot. i got an idea for a new story, or... not so much a new story? it is but it isn't, it absorbs something i wrote a while ago, and couldn't figure out, now that is an ending section written from a separate perspective, and i've roughly written the first. it is maybe rushing a little. i'm not sure. it probably is but it's also about someone who doesn't like, matter. something about sitting in a vc where people just talk about twitter people stuck something in my craw i suppose, writing about a guy i knew or an extreme distortion of him is one way to get that out, having that out of me, it lets me think about the turn necessary to make the story anything beyond complaining or shallow cruelty. it also is coming from thinking about how people always touch me when i don't want to be touched, or i guess a couple men and those experiences, i sat in the shower thinking about that and felt rather unhappy. it was really strange. it made me think of how a friend of mine seems to feel a lot, they get so upset sometimes, it's less the content of what we get upset over and more that specific wave of unhappiness seems to express itself, an animal kind of feeling almost, for them they get rather mad, and talk about being pissed at nothing, i wasn't pissed really, i just felt locked up in a weird cage, while in the shower. or the shower soothed it, a little, because hot water soothes all kinds of things.

i listened to this song a lot today:

very miserable song.

i wrote some other stuff too, just some other sundry tiny pieces, a little edit in something i want to submit, i want to do another full pas through that, i think i can sharpen that into something very interesting, i wonder how to best work with how it disintegrates.

i keep thinking about how he says menstrual blood in that song, 'a delicate mixture of sweat and menstrual blood', a very beautiful line. as is 'stains and scars i can't explain'.

what else... oh, i don't know. i feel like a huge failure, today. i don't know why, it just feels like i will never be much. i don't know what much means. i just think i want more peers, i feel so alienated from most people, i don't know how to talk to most people. that's my own fault. usually, you just talk. i know some people are bad at it too, but i just should know how to do these things by now. i guess i just wish my writing were better. my close writing friends tell me it inspires them, but they know me. it means a lot, no matter what, i'm just really never going to be satisfied, that's the real issue. i want to be better than i am, and this is good, it makes me try at least. but sometimes it's exhausting to feel behind, or to feel, this is an ugly feeling, that i am behind people who simply know how to have a personality in the right places. it's irritating, but the fact i feel that way probably expresses that there is something wrong with my personality and people are right to avoid me when they do, or be put off.

what do i even mean by personality? it's not personality so much, just being able to put oneself out there, continuously, to post, in the ways people post these days. i can't because it makes me a little sick. i like posting here because people really don't read these crazy long posts normally, outside of a few people, which i always appreciate. and posting my art felt good, i'd like to get better at coloring and all the things people do to make stuff something anyone wants to look at, but nobody seemed to hate it or whatever, which is good. i just can't do things that feel like lying. being funny in the way all those people on twitter are, i can't, they're so unfunny normally... that's the real wound in everything, so much of what goes on is mediated by that platform, but it's just something that seems to make people... i dunno. i have a friend who complains about people making the internet a kind of tv. but twitter is the most reality-tv thing ever honestly. it's like freebasing real housewives.

it just bites idk. the world bites, and i have no one to blame but myself since i'm stupid enough to try and befriend people who are just, stuck there, i suppose. trying to make peers out of people i don't really want to even be around. but i hate that. i want to be friends with them, i want to be nicer and better, in every way. so why can't i be?

i dunno. maybe i'm wrong about not wanting to be around them, sometimes they're fun. it just baffles me. it baffles me how they are i guess. it sucks that sometimes all i can seem to do is be quiet, that's all that exists, be quiet and listen to people or be moved around.

the other day, when i went out, did i forget this anecdote? i can't recall, we were eating pizza, and i was daubing off the grease because it's gross when there is way too much, and this person we were there with who kept touching my head and grabbing at me to try and make me dance with him, called me chris chan for doing that, and then i said "that's ulililia who did that you faggot". he looked so sad. i guess this is the feeling inspiring what i started writing. at least it is a potent feeling. this person is so depressing.

i hope no one finds me too evil for saying faggot, i think i'm allowed, maybe the way i used it was evil though. i don't know. maybe i'm being too much of a cop to myself. i'm really just loopy right now or something. maybe just the or something. my mom texted me today, and asked if i have a social media she can follow, and i said i don't really want her to... too much to explain since i'm not really a man which is what i guess she'd expect. or a boy. either way, i'm clearly another thing. or i think i am. or i guess i know i am. is it annoying that i'm like this? i can't tell. i feel so stupid and depressed. she is worried about me becoming estranged, it's not that, i just don't know how to tell her, i'm not really your son, i don't need to be your daughter though, since i know you didn't want one, i'm just what you had. which has mostly been 'disappointing'. ha ha. not that she expresses or even thinks that anymore. she's very kind to me, she's a good mother, i just feel like i really did disappoint her through my development. i guess "i'm not really your son but i don't need to be your daughter," is as good a statement as i can get but i think she'd feel like i was being cryptic when all i mean is exactly that. i don't think she'd really be upset about it. i think she'd worry she's upset me... but i let everyone call me whatever they decide to call me, or what they used to call me before i decided to try and look different and be more how i felt inside. it's strange, every time i'm sad, i always end up talking about my gender. it feels less like it's got to do with it triggering the same emotions, and more it's just something i can ruminate on rather safely, because as time goes on, i only become more myself, and more comfortable with all the feelings i've had for years, feelings and experiences/methods of experience.

i sort of feel like i've been gutspilling too much lately, things aren't that heavy, i'm just going a little crazy i guess. i dunno why. i'm almost very happy sometimes, other times i just space out. i guess i'm just feeling something come over me, a new compulsion, which is always painful, and a lot of hating men. i don't want to really, i miss when i trusted them more. but they keep... i dunno... i say they like it's a bunch of them. really it's just very pathetic kinds of people, and sometimes friends who have taken jokes too far. my friends are easier to forgive because there's always drinking, earlier i felt so upset about that, but now i feel like whatever, the pathetic people fuck me up more, i don't know how you end up being someone who constantly negs women and then starts touching a femme person just because you know they're, i don't know, because i'm not cis or whatever it's like i'm a toy you can be more rough with and because you don't want to believe you can hurt anyone you keep doing the same things over and over because it's like you think you can prove you're not bad, to yourself and to this other person, but you're just making things harder, you're becoming more grating, gracelessly digging a pit.

whatever, though, it's all fine. i'm not a victim of anything really. i shouldn't act like it i'm just histrionic and stupid.

i should sleep now, i think that's all i really need, that and to write and be rid of these stupid thoughts, plus talking to a friend i haven't seen in a while will be helpful for me. hopefully i don't get waken up early like i did today too. maybe that is contributing to my mood.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rosenallies]

For a possible hurt/comfort prompt, maybe Sasha is having a difficult day and anetra and Marcia help her?

I know we've been on smut vibes all evening but I am going to bed rn feeling slightly melancholy </3 🤭 so hurt/comfort bc <3 well, I'm me <3

---

When Anetra came home, she wasn't greeted by both Marcia and Sasha waiting to kiss her and welcome her home, but instead only Marcia stood by the front door, anxiously wringing their hands together. It didn't put Anetra's intuition to the test to figure something was the matter.

"Marc, what's wrong, love?" she cooed, tucking a strand of hair behind their ear, "where's Sash?"

"She won't come out of the bedroom, she's been in there all day."

Anetra was slightly taken aback, it wasn't like her to lock herself away like that. If it would have been any of them, it would have been Marcia if she was being honest with herself. "Did she say why she was upset?"

Marcia shook their head. "Nothing other than that she wanted to be left alone for a while. I didn't want to bother her but-" Marcia sniffled, wiping at their wet eyes. Anetra pulled them in for a hug, rubbing their back and hushing them.

"It'll be okay, baby, let's go see how we could make her feel better, okay?"

"Okay," Marcia replied softly, following Anetra by the hand to their bedroom.

Anetra knocked softly on the door. "Sasha, can we come in?"

Barely audible, they heard a gentle 'yeah' from the other side of the door. Pushing through, they found Sasha, still in the sweats she wore to bed the night before, curled up underneath the duvet.

Marcia sat on the edge of the bed, taking her hand in theirs, rubbing slow circles on it like she did to them whenever they got anxious or overwhelmed.

"Hi, dollface," Sasha said quietly, smiling tenderly, but both Marcia and Anetra could tell it didn't reach her eyes all the way.

"What's wrong, Sash?"

She shook her head. "Nothing's wrong, I'm just kind of tired today."

Both Anetra and Marcia could tell something was tugging at her, they knew just being tired wouldn't have tied her to the bed all day. Maybe she was sick? Even that seemed far off as they recalled the time she had the flu and refused to even sit on the couch until Marcia sat in her lap all day to keep her there. Marcia was just as sick the following week, but still, it was the only way she would stop and slow down. She made up for it by going the full nine yards when taking care of Marcia the next week.

"I don't believe you," Anetra replied, rather matter of factly. Her voice softened as she sat next to Marcia, "you can tell us what's the matter, we won't judge you at all."

She took a shaky breath, smiling sadly, eyes misty. "Just one of those days, I guess. I don't even really know if I know what's going on, just that I'm," she breathed deeply, "really sad. I'm sorry I said I wanted to be alone earlier, Marc, I just don't know why I feel this way."

"Oh don't be sorry," Marcia cooed, "we all have bad days for no reason sometimes. And you're always there for ours. Will you let us be there for yours?"

Sasha's lip wobbled as she nodded. "Yeah."

"I'll get started on dinner, Marc, will you draw her a bath?"

"On it!" Marcia exclaimed as they scampered to the bathroom to gather all their fanciest soaps and bath salts, anything to make her bath warm and inviting.

"How about I make saimin? I'll have to go to the store really quick to get some stuff and I'm sure it won't be as good as it is back in Hawaii, but-"

"It'll be perfect," Sasha said, sighing blissfully at the thought of a little taste of home made in her own kitchen, a whole ocean away from the one she grew up in. She grabbed onto Anetra's hand and squeezed it gently.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Anetra leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Anytime. Marcia and I are always here for you, okay? Just like you are for us."

Sasha sat up in bed and wrapped her arms around Anetra, squeezing her as tight as she could manage. Just as she did so, Marcia came back into the bedroom, joining in on their embrace happily.

She kissed both of them tenderly. "I love you both, I'm so lucky to have you."

[xb0rder-7inex]

We had an argument but I think we actually got somewhere.

He made me realise that it's not really fair for me to be telling him he's going to lose me when he isn't even supposed to be seeing me at all. He also told me that he would like to give me everything I want but we just can't right now and that was a really good point. I told him I just get confused about what he wants and he said he just wants to get through this part first before we think of anything after.

I heard him and I understand where he's coming from.

He doesn't express himself a lot so I actually really appreciate that he said those things and told me what he needs in order to give me what I need, even if it was an uncomfortable topic. And it was a really uncomfortable conversation that neither of us enjoyed. We talked a little bit about why we don't trust each other and he's only ever known me sick so he doesn't know that I'm better and that one of my other 7 or 8 personalities will come out and for a minute it felt like we shouldn't be together and he got upset and wanted to leave but he didn't. I got upset that he wanted to leave and only asked him once to stay but he did. That was a rough minute.

Later he set up a hammock for us and he got upset that I was worried and he asked me to stop because he was stressed out too and he told me this is why he has a hard time being excited to see me and then he rolled us a joint. I took his hand and told him I love him and I think he felt better. I asked him to hold me and he did.

We smoked a lot of weed and we ended the day with a lot of love and he promised me "once a week, just like I said" and I believe him. Then he said "bye baby. I love you" and it felt okay again.

I think we both heard each other today and that going forward things will get better. We both have to relearn how to love each other and that's okay.

[the-firebird69]

Our son is used his card several times not that much but it's over $100 and it did not register on the new bill what kind of upset with these people already so now there's a big fight going on at MasterCard and Visa and synchrony and everybody is there wondering what the hell he's doing and they are viciously attacking them it's massively annoying what they're doing and they are checking these cameras where the stuff is that they want to try and take and they are going after them for information and I guess they were finished with the ones that died today and that's what happens when you open your big mouth John remillard you give it up and you're gone

Thor Freya

It might seem stupid to you and this is of course it does you're this idiot running around as an idiot screwing around with me getting your men killed and losing your stuff that seems stupid doesn't it. So I figured out something their experts watching and for a long time and I didn't handle it this guy knows about it he doesn't bother me too much I'm running around bothering him it says every time you do that someone gets nabbed and I can't stand it anymore I guess I was talking to it and it's taught to bother and it's not true. I had them at work and was paying him money and stuff now I'm just like a huge ninny running around doing this and he says it's getting you killed and your people and when I say this boy that's bad so I'm trying to stop now I'm sick as a dog and he's saying you're getting a radiated cuz you're happy to be here with me and you're trying to make me sick along with your assholes that is going to go up not down in red pretty soon too they say three for a few days and that's pretty bad that's very high and we won't survive it so I don't know what to do but no we should get out of here I'm going to sit in there and a shelter being in a jerk running around trying to mess with a favorite optics so I can intercept and those dumb s*** needs as people have a picture of the card and you dumb f****** crap. Doesn't mean they're free to do anything because they go after anybody that does because it's permission on our side and their side too so I guess it's kind of a waste of time picking up on a conversation now I guess I don't have anything to say but he's saying you're sitting here making me angry all the point is a three that one is a three and you've been doing it forever and it doesn't get you anything and I can see how you're trained to do it it happened like once a week you're probably making some sort of major killing and then run around they clean out 75% of them and you're coming in you mess up like some weaklings that makes sense I am saying something but he really needs out of it and I do too it's saying it's got to be something you can think of you should be doing let's think about that you have people that all your stuff you're not taking ships out you're not really trying you have a fleet to break out and sleep to feed and they're going to bring heavy and and wipe out whatever you have left because you're forcing it and bja is too it would look like you're coming to the rescue fair enough for this s*** I probably figured out to do that it's like the only thing you can gun bases hard to see us already and we're trying to grab some but it's not working out and we did pretty good with those ships so there's an option it says yeah before everybody takes them over cuz they're probably the caverns whether you know there's others and New Zealand and they're going there

Trump

Then you're going to try and go for Venus and people take your ships and we demand to have each and every one of them that tries that and we've been doing it. Too heavy use number of things to do but really we are so sick of hearing from you but he wants you to get out of here and that's really what you can do and you have to but you think you're going to sit here being a dick and saying it works cuz you're damaged beyond repair

Thor Freya

Olympus

And of course you're so lame the new song by Carl Simon it's coming up in the airways and yeah you said it has to be a guy version and Dave probably made it a while ago.

But really we're horrible and disgusting and losers and it's poor and he hates us and it's what we're doing is dominant is unproductive and I started doing it when I had a bunch of stuff and now I have nothing no but I don't have too little yet and oh yeah it's stupid but really looking for a Lucky strike

John r

[emometalhead]

.

[bludwurld]

Okkaay I'm gonna request, can I request Stefan Salvatore x male reader! youngest Gilbert, Possessive sex, and probably blood play (biting and marking stuff). Where Stefan and the reader spent years with Stefan and being a couple through the supernatural drama, making him want to propose to him. So Stefan proposes to the reader at the mystic grill (where he and Stefan first met) then Stefan tells the reader that he's getting them a drink and he saw someone flirting with the reader so he's gonna mark you later. (the next plot is up to you) 😥

"Power Over You"

⛧ Warnings: (18+) MLM smut, bareback (unprotected sex), blood play, blood drinking, marking kink, dirty talk, possessive!stefan, edging, very soft exhibitionism (ex: getting off with your partner in a public setting), brief mention of violence, drinking, language, sexual harassment (?, pls read A/N for more details on it) ⛧

⛧ Pairings: Stefan Salvatore x Male!Gilbert!Reader ⛧

⛧ Series: The Vampire Diaries ⛧

⛧ Summary: Your boyfriend of 7 years, Stefan Salvatore, sees someone flirting with you that makes him feel this overpowering possessiveness for you ⛧

⛧ Masterlist ⛧

⛧ If you want to be added to a taglist, make sure I can tag you in posts, and signup here! ⛧

⛧ Taglist: @jokababy , @crzymadness ⛧

⛧ Word Count: 7.5k words ⛧

⛧ Requested: Yes ⛧

⛧ A/N: I’m so sorry this took so long to get out, I literally got sick while starting this and I really just let my extra gene write this bitch for me bc omg I drug this out longer than I wanted to. But thank you for sending a request!! I was actually really excited for this since it’s my first request on this account :D I hope I did your prompt justice! Also the (?) in the warnings means that I’m not entirely sure how to describe it, it’s very brief and not detailed, like unwanted & excessive flirting (VERY brief touching, the only actual touching is around the face) but it’s still a warning in case it can be triggering to some readers. I am not a writer who will ever go into full detail on that topic as it upsets me and I see no point in writing it. ⛧

⛧ ⸸ ☽ ⛧ ⸸ ☽ ⛧ ⸸ ☽ ⛧ ⸸ ☽

Stefan Salvatore, a Vampire and your boyfriend. Actually, he has been your boyfriend for seven years, seven beautiful, long years. Stefan has been the best boyfriend you have had in forever, although you were still human but that didn’t mean you and Stefan never had ‘the talk’ about becoming a Vampire but never really got down to that part. Stefan knew it was scary for you so he never pushed that on to you, he wanted you to make that choice for yourself and you would make it for yourself.

But, of course, with your boyfriend being a Vampire comes with some very big consequences and having to be extremely conscious of the dangers you were constantly in. But you did trust Stefan, you knew he would do everything in his power to keep you safe. You endured all of the drama and dangers with Stefan, you loved him and have loved him for over seven years. Even though all of the Vampire drama was exhausting at times, Stefan would make it up to you in the most romantic and blissful ways possible.

Today was one of those ‘make it up to you’ days, as in a romantic evening with just you and Stefan. Although, Stefan never told you where you two were going until you went down a very familiar highway to none other than Mystic Falls. Stefan and you had long fled this godforsaken town but it was your true home as well as Stefan’s other than all of the amazingly strong beacon for the supernatural since it was also the birthplace of the Vampire curse.

You look over at Stefan after seeing the familiar road into Mystic Falls, your mouth a bit agape in amazement from the surprise. “Mystic Falls?” You question your boyfriend, watching him give you a glancing grin that makes you weak-kneed.

Stefan looks at the road but pulls away one hand from the wheel to take your hand, holding it as he relaxes back in his seat. “Oh c’mon, Y/N..it’s not the worst place in the world, afterall it is the town we met in..” Stefan glances at you with another loving smile.

You chuckle and shake your head, looking ahead at the road and watching cars pass you by as the crescent moon holds overhead. “You never cease to amaze me, Stef..” You whisper, looking back at the handsome Vampire.

Stefan rubs his thumb over the back of your hand, smiling to himself. “Well I do try to be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had..” Stefan smirks a little, eyeing his gorgeous boyfriend from the corner of his eye.

You roll your eyes playfully and rest your legs up on the dashboard, pulling Stefan’s arm into your lap as you listen to the radio. “You are the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, Stefan..” You whisper, leaning your head back against the seat while looking at him lovingly.

You watched your boyfriend stare at the road, looking extremely focused on the road but his hand was telling a different story. You stiffen up a little from surprise as you felt his strong hand grip your inner thigh possessively, your cheeks becoming very flushed and warm. You rest your hand over his and trace his large yet gorgeous daylight ring, trying to conceal your racing heartbeat. Even after all these years, Stefan still made you so very nervous and he found that extremely adorable.

You look out the window and look around at the barely changed little town that you grew up in, smiling to yourself at the sight of the town you still did love. You look over at Stefan once he pulls up to the Mystic Grill, becoming more dumbfounded by the evening. “Stefan Salvatore, what are you planning?” You smile at him as he parks the car and turns over to you.

Stefan smiles at you, leaning in towards you as he cups your cheek, rubbing it with his thumb. “Well it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you now, would it?” He whispers, glancing at your lips as he bites his bottom lip.

You feel your cheeks warm up a bit, chuckling a little. “Fair play, Mr. Salvatore..” You say as you were pulled in for a kiss, your lips pressed perfectly against the Vampire’s very soft lips.

You jump a bit as you hear a knock on the window of the car door, looking over to see your older sister and brother Jeremy and Elena Gilbert. That’s right, you were the youngest of the Gilberts and still very much treated like a baby by both of your siblings, but you still loved them nonetheless.

You smile excitedly before opening the car door and jumping out of the car, being pulled into a family hug by the two. “Oh it’s been so long, Y/N! How’s my baby brother doing?? I hope the big bad Vampire that’s in the car has been taking care of you well..” Elena giggles, glancing at her ex boyfriend who was closing the car doors and locking the car.

That’s right, Elena and you have both dated Stefan, but Elena didn’t hold anything against you towards you dating Stefan and you knew that. Elena could see how happy Stefan made her little brother and she herself had moved on to another anyways so it wouldn’t even be her place to judge Stefan for dating her brother seeing as she moved on to the other Salvatore brother, it was almost ironic.

You snicker as Jeremy laughs at Elena’s comment. “I’m not a baby just because I’m younger, Elena.” You remind her for the millionth time but it will forever be her ‘insult’ to you.

“Oh please, you will always be our baby brother, Y/N.” She smiles at you, tucking her brunette hair behind her ear, she now styled it to curl like her doppelgänger yet it did suit her.

“How did you two even know I was gonna be here before I did?”

Jeremy smiles over at your boyfriend, Stefan giving your older brother a wink. “Well Stefan wanted to surprise you so we called over everyone else to come back to Mystic Falls for a…reunion I guess you would call it?” Jeremy gives you a confused yet amused look, probably mostly with himself.

You smile widely, looking back at Stefan then over back at your siblings. “So everyone is here??” You ask them excitedly, feeling Stefan���s arm wrap around your waist as he kisses the top of your head.

“Mhm, including my insufferable brother.” Stefan teases, you chuckle while playfully rolling your eyes at his comment. “God forbid he accompanies his girlfriend.” You reply.

Jeremy claps his hands together, rubbing them quickly. “Alright! Let’s hurry inside before everyone gets repelled by Damon’s antics.” Jeremy laughs and leads the four of you inside the Mystic Grill.

You smile and walk into the nostalgic building, remembering all the good memories..as well as the bad. It had definitely been a few good years since both you or Stefan have ever stepped foot inside of the Grill. It wasn’t like neither of you wanted to, you both did but neither of you needed to stay in Mystic Falls for both of your sakes. But this was a good sight, you missed this place too.

Because this was the exact place you and Stefan had met. You were sat over at the pool table with your ex-boyfriend and his parents, but you were putting on a good face to appease his parents so later your ex could get drunk with his friends and fuck the girl he cheated on you with at the end of this dreadful evening. And Stefan was on the other side of the Grill drinking through the Grill’s supply of alcohol to cease before his eyes landed on you.

You clearly looked unamused, bored, and annoyed. Stefan could see that yet, what he assumed, your boyfriend couldn’t. He saw you talking to your boyfriend before your boyfriend grabbed your wrist roughly, immediately Stefan got up, finishing his beer before walking over to you two and looking between you two.

“Is there a problem here?” Stefan asks, looking between the two of you.

Your ex boyfriend looks over at Stefan with a very annoyed look as you jerk your wrist away from him, rubbing it since it stung now. “None of your fucking business, get lost.” He rolls his eyes, annoyed with Stefan’s presence before pushing you towards the bathroom so he could probably yell at you for just wanting to go home since you two weren’t even together anymore.

Stefan grabs your ex by his shoulder, roughly pulling him back as if his body weighed nothing. “If you don’t want it to be someone else’s business then don’t make it clear to everyone else here that you’re making your boyfriend uncomfortable…” Stefan gives him a very fake smile, patting his shoulder before your ex shoves him off.

“Like I give a shit, he’s not my boyfriend anymore.” He glares Stefan down, passing by him while very roughly ‘bumping’ Stefan’s shoulder but Stefan didn’t move an inch even with the clear rough way your ex tried to push him off his feet.

You stand there awkwardly, feeling embarrassed as you see his parents glaring you down while going after their shallow son. Stefan watches him leave then looks over at you, walking up to you. “You okay?” The Vampire asks, although at the time you didn’t know he was one.

You nod, clearing your throat as you lean back against the wall near the bathroom door. “Y-Yeah, just fine, he’s just an ass..thanks, though.” You look at Stefan, admiring his features as nods, smiling at you.

“No problem,” He holds his hand out. “I’m Stefan.”

“Y/N.”

You snap out from the memory as Stefan squeezed your waist, looking at you with a slightly concerned look until he realized you were probably just reliving the past. You, Stefan, and several other people from your circle consisting of the supernatural or at least knew about it. Bonnie, Jeremy, Caroline, Elena, Damon, Alaric, Matt and Tyler. Most of everyone was here and it felt almost like a dream because usually all of you were either halfway across the world or just too caught up in your own drama to be able to meet up like this again.

You absolutely missed this, all of you in one spot, laughing, talking, sharing the new stories all of you had to offer as well as the new drama. It felt so nostalgic, like you were back in the Gilbert house seeing your sister’s friends everyday.

Stefan watched you most of the time while you reminisced with your departed family and friends, he enjoyed seeing you happy and loving the life that you probably always wanted if he wasn’t a Vampire with Ripper problems. Seeing you as happy as you are in this moment just for an hour or two was more than he could’ve ever asked for, it made him happy to see you happy. And that’s why he was going to propose tonight.

Everyone here tonight knew you were going to be proposed to by Stefan tonight, you were the only one who didn’t know but that was the plan until Stefan popped out the ring that sat in his jacket pocket. Stefan was nervous of course; who wouldn’t be proposing to their partner?

You smile to yourself, sipping your soda from the glass cup as you look over at Stefan who was still staring at you, but it wasn’t as creepy as it sounded. “Yes? Do you need something, Stef?” You smile at him, tilting your head as he scoots closer to you.

Stefan glances at Elena and Jeremy who were eyeballing you both the entire time, probably wondering when Stefan would finally pop the question. Stefan looks back at you, leaning on his elbow on the table all while flashing that gorgeous smile at you. “Yes, I do need something from you, actually..” Stefan looks down, confusion washing over you as your friends and siblings start to stare at you two.

You clear your throat. “Stef? What’s going on?” You chuckle nervously, shifting a little uncomfortably from all the staring from the people closest to you.

Stefan takes a deep breath, slipping his hand into his jacket pocket and gripping onto the little red velvet box. “You, Y/N, are the bestest boyfriend I’ve had in a really long time.. Of course, like every other relationship we’ve had our highs and lows, yet, you always seemed to make those lows really fantastic after those frustrating days..” Stefan chuckles at the memories of all the make-up sex after those really frustrating and raging arguments.

You blink a few times, your brain going into full panic mode as you thought of every possible scenario but somehow you were still stuck on ‘oh no, is this it for us?’. “You’ve been the highlight of the past 170 years that I have been on this earth, you’ve introduced me to several new things, given me countless chances and still accept me as what I am today; a Vampire. And you know who I am, I’m not proud of those Ripper years, you know that and yet you still chose to be with someone who still struggles with something that could possibly threaten your life..” Stefan clears his throat, starting to choke up. “And for that, I love you. I love..absolutely everything about you. Flaws and all, you are still the best person in my life, the best person I’ve ever spent time with. And I will never in a million years ever be ashamed to call you my boyfriend, Y/N.” Stefan looks into your eyes longingly, destroying all those intrusive thoughts of how tonight could go wrong.

“So will you… Y/N L/N,” He pulls out the velvet box, opening it up and showing you the beautiful diamond ring resting inside of it. “Marry me?” Stefan smiles widely at you, your heart pounding in your ears.

You were shocked, dumfounded. Stefan Salvatore just proposed to you.

You nod quickly, without a second thought you blurted out that word you knew he would love to hear. “Y-Yes! Yes, Stefan, I-I’ll marry you..” You choke up a strangled laugh, tears running down your cheeks as you watch the love of your life slip the ring right onto your finger all the while listening to everyone in the Grill cheer for you two.

Stefan chuckles and cups your cheeks, pulling you in for a long and passionate kiss. You relax against his lips, slipping your arms around his neck while deepening the kiss. You feel his smile against your lips, your cheeks flushed with all the cheering in the background until you block out the noise from the warm tongue slipping into your mouth. Stefan wraps his arms around your waist, his hands starting to slip underneath your shirt until you pull away from his kiss giggling.

“Not right now, Stef..” You whisper in his ear, feeling his grip on your waist tighten. Stefan groans and reaches down, gently squeezing your ass. “Fine, fine.” Stefan smiles at you and you snicker at his eagerness to fuck right after he just proposed to you.

Caroline eagerly goes over to you, admiring the diamond on your finger. “Gosh it’s so pretty, Y/N! Stefan has good taste, for sure.” Caroline giggles and she smiles at you, Stefan rolls his eyes playfully.

You smile and lean back in your seat, feeling this warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach. “Okay, I think we’re all ready for some drinks.” Elena chuckles, Damon’s arm wrapped around her shoulder.

You see Stefan start to get up. “Oh no no, I’ll go get the drinks, your taste in alcohol is terrible.” You slip out of your seat and smile at Stefan, kissing his cheek.

Stefan puts his hand over his chest, pretending to act hurt. “What? I just have gotten used to the taste of good whiskey.” Stefan grabs your hip, eyeing you but you just roll your eyes. “Uh huh, more like it’s good chemicals-”

“Well, I mean technically it-”

“Shut up, Mr. Salvatore.”

Stefan laughs and pulls you into his lap, looking into your eyes. “Soon you’ll be called Mr. Salvatore.” Stefan smirks, cocking his head all while making you blush.

You chuckle, shaking your head and pecking his lips. “Okay okay, I’m gonna go get us some drinks.” You say as you get up, ruffling Stefan’s gelled hair.

You walk through some small crowds of people before getting to the bar, raising your hand to the bartender who was busy serving other people but nodded in return. You bite your lip and lean against the bar, turning as you feel a tap on your shoulder only to see a taller male. “Oh- uhm am I in your way? Sorry-”

“No, no..” He chuckles lightly, biting his lip as you notice his eyes raking over your body which makes you cringe inside. “I’m just here introducing myself to the pretty boy in front of me..” He hums, placing his arm next to you against the bar while leaning closer to you.

Okay, yeah, you were uncomfortable. “Look, I don’t know you if you’re just deaf or stupid but I literally just got proposed to not but a minute ago..” You give him a confused glare, Tate rolls his eyes.

“Oh c’mon, it was so obvious that you wanted to get away from him..” Tate reaches to graze your face while leaning in close but you pull away, your body telling you to run. “I mean, look at you, dating that skinny boy over there?” Tate tries to grab your face again but you jerk away.

Stefan laughs at Jeremy’s comment on Damon being a prick towards Tyler before he looks over at the bar where you were. What he saw very much angered ever being in his body, no thanks to his heightened senses he wanted to break something. Stefan hadn’t looked away from you but a split second before you were being preyed upon by some unsuspecting ass who looked like a rejected drummer from some indie ‘underground’ band.

Stefan gets up, his jaw clenched as he tried to push down his rage and intrusive, murderous thoughts. How could this douchebag not possibly know that you were already taken by him. Like, c’mon, Stefan just proposed to you in front of everyone in this bar. Could it not be anymore obvious that Stefan had practically claimed you?

Stefan quickly walks over to you, grabbing you by your hoodie and practically making you slam your body against him. You felt Stefan’s arm wrap around you possessively, looking at him as you saw the rage in his eyes. “Stef-”

“You must be a dumbass trying to flirt with him, he’s clearly fucking mine..” Stefan growls, about to snip the string that was holding him back so he could just rip off this guy’s fingers one by one before shoving them down his throat.

You watched Stefan’s chest heave, rage clouding his auburn irises. You would be lying if you didn’t think this sudden possessive side of Stefan wasn’t hot. Stefan’s body pressing up against you as he pretty much shields Tate’s lingering eyes, his grip tightening. You swallow nervously, feeling your pants tightening at a painful amount while feeling your heart pound. You watched Stefan as his eyes followed Tate while the man left, muttering to himself.

Stefan looks at you, pressing his thigh against the bulge in your pants. You whimper quietly, feeling a rush of blood go down south and thankful for the loud drunken idiots tonight. Stefan wraps his large hand around your throat, the cold metal of his daylight ring pressing against your hot skin. “You’re mine, understand?” Stefan leans into you, his face pressed against your cheek.

You nod quickly with a small whimper, taking in a sharp breath as your boyfriend leans down towards your neck and bites down onto the space between your neck and collarbone. You saw his face for a brief second, seeing those red eyes and those pulsing veins underneath his eyes. You wince from the stinging feeling of Stefan’s fangs sunken into your neck while he took only a little bit of blood from you.

You close your eyes and arch your back a little, moaning softly as Stefan bit into your neck and drank from you slowly yet sensually. You’d be lying if you didn’t say you didn’t like the pain of his fangs deep in your skin as he drank from you, your heart pounding as you also felt your cock throbbing painfully in your pants. You close your eyes, feeling Stefan’s large hand wrap around your throat, rutting against you as he bit a little harder into your neck. You gasp shakily, realizing what Stefan was doing to you, Stefan was marking you. Not only by scent but by bite.

It was a strange thing, if a Vampire marks you, you couldn’t be touched by another Vampire unless said Vampire was looking for trouble. Mostly it was done by scent but it could also be done by bite if the Vampire wanting to mark you slipped this ‘venom’ into your bloodstream while feeding off of you. It wouldn’t harm you, it would just make your blood smell sweet to the Vampire who marked you and bitter, tasting like poison to other Vampires.

You whimper, clinging to Stefan by his leather jacket, your mouth agape as you bury your face into his neck. “Mm~” You moan quietly out, your legs a little shaky from the blood Stefan had taken.

Stefan pulls away from your neck, licking his bloody fangs as he looks at you with his darkened irises. “Shh..we don’t want to make a scene now do we?” Stefan whispers, gently grabbing your face as you look at him through hooded lids and shake your head.

Stefan smiles, wiping the rest of your blood off his lips and forcing the urges down as you watch his facial features turn back to their human state. You chew on your bottom lip, wrapping your arms around his left arm and leaned on him for support since you were a little weak from the blood withdrawal. Stefan chuckles and he kisses your head gently, covering up your fresh bite and helping you gather all the drinks.

You two make your way back to the table where all your friends and family were, setting down the drinks. No one seemed to notice or really care what you two were up to back at the bar, good on that too because you didn’t have a rehearsed story with Stefan about what you two were doing anyways.

A few shots later and most of everyone was drunk but you and Stefan since you had already been drained that night, you didn’t want a massive hangover in the morning while feeling weak and Stefan had to at least keep some of them in check so they could get a drive back home later on.

You sit next to Stefan, feeling his arm tighten around your waist as you look up to see Tate staring at you. Stefan saw him staring at you, he knew Tate had been eyeing you this entire time which only made him wanna mark you more. Stefan slips his hand along your bulge, your cheeks turning a dark shade of pink as you tried not to squirm underneath his touch and make it obvious as to what you two were doing. But Stefan wanted Tate to know what he was doing to you so he could bask in the glory of being the only one who could make you feel good and scream out only his name.

Stefan pulls you closer even though you both sat in separate seats, resting his head against your temple with his nose nuzzled into your cheek. You close your eyes as you feel him rub along your throbbing bulge that you’ve had for the past hour from an encounter with Stefan’s possessiveness earlier. Stefan smirks, unzipping and unbuttoning your pants with just one hand before slipping said hand right into your boxers.

You felt your cheeks heat up quickly, trying to contain your embarrassment and fear of getting caught but Stefan continued to push his luck as he toyed with your pulsing cock. He looks back at Tate, glaring at him but also giving him a look that said, ‘he’s mine and only I can make him feel good’. You, however, were subtly grinding to your fiancé’s hand as you tried to control your expressions even though Stefan was literally rubbing his thumb all over your very sensitive and swollen tip that was covered in precum. Fuck, why was this so hot to you? Stefan’s utter desire to make everyone show how good he could make you feel all and making your body hotter by the minute, but also making you wanna hide from just the thought of getting caught.

Stefan turns his attention back on you, looking down as he watches you squirm as subtly as possible yet also trying to get the friction you desperately needed. The Vampire smirked, coating his hand in your precum for lube as he gently twists his hand very slowly and gently along your twitching cock. You let out a very soft and quiet whimper but luckily it was too loud in the Grill for anyone to even catch on to what you two were doing besides pervy Tate over there.

You started to feel a tight sensation in your stomach, immediately knowing you were close to the edge and you finally opened your eyes. “Stefan, p-please~” You beg in his ear, gripping his thigh tightly but it barely phased your Vampire boyfriend.

Unfortunately for you, Stefan had other plans for tonight.

Stefan pulls his hand away, watching your cock twitch with need and listening to you whine. Why does he have to be such a damn tease? You fix yourself and zip yourself up before pulling your hoodie down over your raging hard on. Glaring at Stefan, you promise yourself to get back at him one day, but Stefan just snickers at you. He loved to tease you, getting you riled up only to drag out your aching hard on until he could rip off all your clothes and fuck you good later.

“Well, thank you all for coming tonight, it really means a lot to us that you guys could come out this far to see us.” Stefan smiles at your guests, playing off the interaction with you just a second ago.

Caroline smiles widely. “Oh no problem, Stefan! It’s been so long since I got to see Y/N or any of my highschool friends so..really..thank you.” Caroline was so sentimental that it was just oddly adorable.

Elena raises the bottle of bourbon into the air by its neck. “To a happy marriage for you both and a healthy life to my baby brother.” Elena giggles drunkenly while Damon pulls the bottle down, trying to hide his smile. “Okay, sister, you’ve had one too many.” Damon teases, prying the bottle from her hands and watching her pout.

You giggle and get back up, hugging your siblings and your old friends goodbye. You hoped it wouldn’t be so long again where you all could meet up like this again even if Stefan had gotten you incredibly hard not even an hour into it.

You and Stefan leave the Grill, going in as boyfriends and coming out as fiancés. You quickly got into the retro car with Stefan, watching Stefan quickly start the car and drive off to the nearest hotel. After a few long fifteen minutes, you both were eagerly scurrying to the hotel room Stefan had just paid for, it definitely wasn’t cheap either but you didn’t mind.

Stefan grabs you by your arm and pushes the keycard in, unlocking the door and rushing into the room as Stefan slammed you up against the door to shut it. You whimper a bit, your chest pressed up against the cool wooden door as Stefan’s body was pressed up against your backside. 

Stefan keeps you pinned to the door, his hands roughly grabbing your wrists on either side of your head as he keeps you still with his inhuman strength. You pant softly, pressing your ass against his very noticeable bulge, grinding back against it like a desperate slut. Stefan chuckles, kissing along the back of your neck as he pushes your wrists together above your head and keeps them placed there. He could feel the urge to mark you deep in his stomach before he let go and bit right into your nape.

You let out a soft moan, clawing at the door from the slight stinging pain in your neck and the almost overwhelming feeling of Stefan pressing you further into the door as he ruts against your ass. Stefan reaches in front of you, feeling underneath your hoodie along your stomach then unzipping and unbuttoning your pants once again tonight but this time they would stay that way. He slips his cool hand into your boxer briefs, pulling out your pulsing cock as he listens to your begging whimpers for his attention to fuck you roughly, but he wasn’t ready to give you that satisfaction yet.

So, he continued to rub his fingertips teasingly along your desperate cock, his thumb rubbing sensually over your slit that was dripping precum. Stefan continued to feed slowly off of you, careful not to make a mess since he wouldn’t dare waste a drop of your precious blood that tasted sweet like honey almost. You whine and buck your hips to his painfully soft touching of your cock, looking back at him over your shoulder to see those blood-red irises, making you shudder as he made eye-contact with you. 

Stefan pulls his fangs out of your neck, licking up the remaining blood dripping from the bite wound he made. He grabs your cock fully with his hand, gently squeezing as he feels your writhe against him. “S-Stefan..please~” You whine out desperately, your cheek squished up against the door while your cock is gently being pumped. “P-Please fuck m-me..”

The Vampire chuckles, kissing along the recent bite marks he had given you and leaning into your ear. “No..” He whispers. “I won’t because it’s so..adorable how you’re begging for me and not that arrogant ass from earlier who thought you were free to take from me..” Stefan growls in your ear, your body shivering as you feel his hot breath fanning your face.

You look into your fiancé’s eyes, seeing this lust residing in them. He smirks as he buries his face into your neck, pulling his hand from your swollen cock to the back of your pants. He nips at the skin on your neck, his hand slipping both your boxers and pants down just enough to have decent access to your ass. You wondered if suddenly he had a change of heart, before he shoved two of his fingers into your mouth and forced you to suck on them.

You whine loudly, instead of fighting him you work your tongue around his very long and slender fingers. Your eyes closed as you sucked on them roughly, spreading his fingers apart inside your mouth with just your tongue. You breathe in sharply, saliva slipping from your lips and dribbling down your chin while he slowly pumps his fingers into your warm mouth.

Once Stefan decided his fingers were wet enough, while still very much nipping and toying with the skin on your neck, he slipped his fingers out of your mouth then shoved the saliva-covered fingers into your puckered hole. You gasp from the slightly strange feeling, pressing a bit closer to the door from the cold liquid pressing against your hot inside. But that was definitely a mistake since Stefan now was right back up against you and giving you no real space between you and the door, so now your cock was pressed against the cold platform.

Stefan hums softly, swirling his tongue over your bite mark before pulling the skin in between his teeth and sucking on the skin roughly, making sure to leave the darkest hickey he possibly could. You whine and feel Stefan’s fingers slowly pumping inside of your tight hole, his fingers searching around deep inside of you all the while making you whine and beg for him to go faster instead of this slow and tortuous pace. But for Stefan, this was just amusing for him, especially since you sounded absolutely desperate for something more but he wanted, no, needed you to be reminded that only he could give you the satisfaction of riding out your orgasm.

You flutter your eyes open, looking up at the ceiling of the room, still begging him. “S-Stefan! Pl-Please just f-fuck mm-mmngh-me! P-Please, i-it hurts a-and I-I wanna c-cum..” You pant softly, but you weren’t tired, you were just sexually frustrated and desperately wanted the feeling of release and feeling full.

Stefan chuckles darkly, biting down on the skin while hearing you whimper from the pain and pulling at the skin before letting go. He looks at you, curling his fingers upwards right against your prostate. You take a sharp inhale, a tight feeling in your lower tummy as well as the sharp yet quick sensation like you needed to pee but you didn’t. You whine loudly, trying to stand on your toes but Stefan forced you back down so his fingers hit your prostate roughly again yet the sensation came a lot harder onto you.

“You’ll get to cum when I say you can and only if you obey me..now stay still..” He growls in your ear, his face pressed up against yours. You whine, looking down as you watch your cock leaking heavily with precum and jumping at the pressure against your prostate. You hated when Stefan did this, but loved it at the same time, because it made you feel so desperate at the feeling of wanting to get away yet wanting more of this feeling at the same time.

Stefan continued to pump his fingers right into your prostate, rubbing his fingertips along the sensitive area for a small period then pumping them right into your prostate again all while keeping you on edge. You pant softly, sweat beading down your body as you felt your orgasm quickly sneak up on you, you were so close and the sensation was almost unbearable that it really felt like you were going to do more than just cum. But Stefan was having none of that, he quickly pulled his fingers out of your clenching hole and watched it as it clenched around nothing.

You tear up a little from the frustration, wiggling underneath him and practically grinding against the door for some kind of friction. “St-Stefan please!” You cried out, your legs shaking a little as you looked back at him with a tear running down your cheek.

He snickers and grabs your face roughly, letting go of your hands as they fall to your sides and slamming you against your back on the door. “No, because I own you, pretty boy. And I am the only one who gets a say about when and where you get to cum… Understand?” He grins at you, your heart pounding as you nod quickly.

“Good..now stop being difficult and do as I say..”

Stefan picks you up and carries you to the bed before throwing you onto it. He grabs your face roughly as he crawls on top of you and smashes his lips against yours, slipping his tongue into your mouth. He moans against your lips, sliding his tongue along yours and enjoying the feeling of your warm mouth with his tongue. You wrap your arms around his neck, snaking your fingers through his brunette locks and tugging at his hair roughly just to hear his hot grunts.

Stefan hums into your mouth, feeling up under your hoodie along your soft skin and rubbing his finger over your nipple as it hardens. You buck your hips as a reaction, whimpering and feeling Stefan’s large hand run back down your torso straight to jeans. He pulls out of the kiss and yanks off your pants, eyeing your body like a hungry animal.

“God you’re so hot..” He whispers, running his hands over your thighs and lifting your hoodie over your head.

You whimper, watching him strip out of his clothes before you and staring down his large cock. You start to reach down to touch yourself but Stefan grabs your wrist roughly and gives you a stern glare. “Nuh uh, no touching, only I can touch your pretty cock, baby boy..” Stefan whispers as he grabs you by your throat.

You were pushed into the sheets, forced to lay on your stomach as he grabbed you roughly by your hips. You whine, still wearing your boxer briefs although they were already pulled down a bit from just earlier. Stefan hovers over you, his chest pressing against your back as he pulls your ass into the air, kissing down your spine. He reaches underneath you, grabbing your cock and softly pumping you as you moan into the sheets, muffled by them.

Stefan groans, his cock twitching from the sounds slipping from your lip. He presses his hard cock against your ass, his shaft throbbing against your hole with precum dripping down the base and spilling right onto your desperate hole. You whine, feeling him grind against your ass as he forces you to spread your legs roughly apart with his free hand, his precum spreading along your hole and his cock as he grinds against your.

You whine desperately, gripping at the sheets and biting down on them. You pant softly, your hips thrusting into Stefan’s hand as he pumped your cock. You were desperate for friction, for him, and it felt like you were going to explode if you didn’t get to cum tonight.

“Good boy~ You want me don’t you?” Stefan comes back up, whispering in your ear and squeezing your cock to see your face scrunch up in pleasure; you nod. “You wanna feel my cock inside that pretty hole of yours?” He whispers, reaching over and grabbing something before you feel a cold wet feeling rub against you; lube.

You nod eagerly, pushing your hips back before feeling something wet, very big and very hard slide just barely inside of your tight, clenching hole but still stretching you out. Your loud whimpers muffle from the bed sheets, you scratched desperately at the soft blankets underneath you as Stefan chuckled at your reaction. Although it was amusing to see you grinding on his cock for more, it almost turned him on more from the desperate sight of your slick body begging for more of his cock.

Stefan growls, his face distorting again with bloody irises and dark veins underneath his eyes before he bit into your shoulder and slammed straight inside of you; your screams erupting throughout the room. “S-Stefan!” You moan out, gripping tighter at the sheets as he starts ruthlessly pounding into your warm hole, his hand against your face as he pushes it further into the sheets while drinking slowly from you.

Fuck, this felt so good. Your mind was beginning to go fuzzy from Stefan’s mindless fucking, his hard cock slipping in and out of your wet hole while you heard his soft grunts and moans and small slurps from his drinking. He groans from the feeling of your warm and soft insides clenching and basically pulling him right back into your ass, wanting his cock to stay in and fuck you as merciless as he was. Stefan drinks only a little of your blood at a time, switching from that to leaving countless hickeys along your back.

You let a string of strangled moans slip from your mouth, drooling a bit onto the sheets as you were pounded into at an inhuman pace from the Vampire behind you; bitten into, marked up and practically fucked down like his toy. It was euphoric and made precum dribble from your tip, falling and wetting the gray sheets underneath you. Your whimpers jumped from the incessant pounding into your ass, the sound of skin slapping against each other along with your pathetic moans and Stefan’s breathy grunts filled the hotel room. You knew someone might complain but you really didn’t care right now, all you could think about was your cock being toyed with and your ass being fucked into by a hungry, possessive Vampire you called you fiancé.

“F-Fu-uh-uck! St-Stefan~ M-Mo-oh-re!” You pant out, just barely getting out your drooling mouth.

Stefan was definitely listening too, because after you spoke he grabbed your right thigh and pushed it right underneath your belly, only pausing for barely three seconds before slamming right back into your tightening hole. “F-Fuck you feel s-so good, baby~” Stefan moans out, licking over your bleeding wounds as he listened to your beautiful loud moans of his name.

He growls and starts to move his hips a bit in a circle as he fucks your insatiable, wet hole. You moan erotically, your body trembling from the feeling of Stefan’s cock penatrating you and feeling his balls slap against your ass. Your vision began to blur from tears and your mind began to become quite foggy, unable to speak much anymore as you felt your orgasm coming on fast from the frustrating edging Stefan did earlier.

Stefan moans into your ear, gripping your hand and interlocking your fingers as his thrust began to get sloppy but he was still fucking you with incredible speed. You embrace the feeling of his warm body up against your slick, hot and steaming body, your cheeks flushed and your hair messy. You look at him, tears running down the bridge of your nose and onto the sheets as he rests his face against yours, his hot breath fanning your sweaty face. Stefan could feel your hole convulsing around his cock, letting him know you were very close to your climax before he whispered raspily into your ear, “Cum.”

“Cl-Clo- Oh f-fuck, baby!~” You scream out in pleasure as Stefan slams straight into your prostate, causing you to spill and squirt your load all over the sheets. You let out breathy moans, your body twitching and convulsing as Stefan continued to fuck you out through your high, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as your tried to wiggle away from him from being over stimulated by your orgasm.

Stefan roughly grabs your bruised and bitten throat, pulling you back into place as he continues to slam over and over into your prostate, causing a second orgasm with cum spewing from your pulsing cock. You scream out, gripping tightly at his hand with tears running down your cheeks and hot flashes rushing over your exhausted body. He let out a throaty growl, panting in your ear. “S-Stay still, baby~ A-Almost nngh~ th-there..” Stefan grunts and squeezes your cock as he moans raspily into your ear and spills his hot, warm load deep inside of your hole.

You both relax, panting heavily with little grunts and soft moans leaving your lips. Stefan groans, laying down on his side while still inside you, pulling you onto your side against his chest. Whimpering, you bury your face into your fiancé’s chest, relaxing a little as you get used to the feeling of Stefan’s slightly hard cock resting inside of your cum-filled hole. You pepper kisses along his chest, cum leaking from your hole and making you blush profusely. Stefan smiles down at you, cupping your cheek and kissing you softly for a few blissful seconds.

You hum, pulling out of the kiss and looking into his eyes. “I love you, Y/N Salvatore” Stefan whispers, brushing your messy hair out of your face.

You smile, pecking his lips softly with a soft chuckle. “I love you more, Stefan Salvatore..” You yelp out as Stefan smacked your ass, running his hand back up your side and running his fingers over the bite marks and hickeys he left.

“No, I’m sure I’m the one who loves you more.” Stefan teases, grinning and you roll your eyes. “Hey, I was the one who got us all back together in one place to see each other again like old times.” Stefan reminds you and you smile widely.

You nod, letting him win this one time. “Okay, yes, you did..” You look into his auburn irises longingly. “And I love you so much for it..” You whisper, cupping his face.

“You better..”

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary51

11/1-2/2023

wednesday - thursday

today sucked but that's okayyy.

not really but whatever. it's not because errands themselves were stressful. but first i should list off positives of the day, i made a guitar sound just now, it's crazy feedback freakshit, really cool to me, kind of really gets the pv stuff down too, which is mental. i recorded vocals and re-wrote lyrics for that song, and i'm sure i'll need to go back in, but it's huge to have that idea down and stuff.

anyways, today sucked because my gf's mom decided, while she and my gf were out together separate from me, me in the laundromat, laying into her about basically random bullshit, from me not having a job (i try! no one wants to hire me, there's huge gaps in my employment history, i can't act right in interviews or something i guess, sometimes i accidentally put "would prefer not to answer" for questions of gender on the questionnaire things, and it's apparently not something you're meant to do) and then getting into how we behaved on the trip, she believes for some reason that i think there is no war in israel when what i said to her, days ago in arizona, was that world war 3 is not going to start and china is not looking to invade america or use a nuclear weapon on us because one why would they start mutually assured destruction, unless they destroy america totally and just america (and what would they get?? no land, no resources, they are extracting all the capital they could want because they have beaten us at manufacturing and basically everything (we still have to see if they will achieve communism tho (i hope they do))), and two like i just said, they have beaten us industrially, america wants to stoke hate for china to start something because one: america is racist and evil and two: humiliated about not being number 1 (and all boomers are too thus the china is evil fantasy). i was also pro palestine and said that israel is obviously to blame here in every way, because they hold their people hostage essentially feeding these deaths to justify greater and greater strides towards genocide. in the car, she was agreeing with me, but she just does that. she also kept talking about how she had family who were in the military, and a husband too, and like wow who cares, the first place they test all the propaganda, where all the red scare cold war bullshit hit first, panic over those paper tigers that are kept to just destroy the world if we wanna. stupid. she also brought up multiple times that i am uneducated because i didn't get my degree because i could not justify going to school during covid virtually because i would be so bad at it and stuff, so she thinks i am like a stupid uneducated hick, something she loves to use against all kinds of people!!!!! she's so classist it honestly makes me sick.

she also brought up bill maher, and how disrespectful we were, and how she was so upset hearing us make jokes, and my gf asked if she thought i liked hearing him make bathroom gender jokes, and her mom was like "well he's just a man. it's a choice. he isn't one of them right." and a bunch of other shit, so my gf came in to tell me all this, she sees her telling me, and then she just calls my gf to say that if she's going to have a conversation then at least include her, and then she literally abandons us in the fucking laundromat for a while until my gf calls her, and during the call she begins ranting about bill maher again, and how he's making jokes for a different generation and how we don't understand, and also how i need to "pick a side, he's either transgender or not." and more stupid nonsense, but she at least comes to get us again. the whole rest of the day she acts like nothing happened, and that she isn't an abusive/manipulative bitch. my gf cursed her out during the first go around, and she was so pathetic, she acted like she was being abused and had to get away from her evil daughter defending her partner and getting upset her mother is literally a stupid and bad person who can't get over gentle banter over fucking bill maher. i can't believe he's developed into this great a problem in my life. he is a demon that looms in my existence now until i die, or he dies. not that i am wishing for his death (sincere, it feels awful to wish for people to die unless they are intensely rich demons like bezos who have so much funding behind them they are literally impervious to wishing (i think my superstitious sectors of my brain are over active in unfun ways that can rule my life sometimes but whatever (just washing my hands of intent and telling everyone my intent is perfect and good and i would never hurt anybody i am just nice and happy and not evil)))

it's so whatever, literally too stupid for earth.

this isn't even all the news of the day though, my gf's brother had a party last night, and he had a friend over who was on acid, coke, weed, and booze, and he had an ego death moment, obsessed over his own death a while, shit himself, ripped his clothes off, screamed, slammed his head into their mirror and broke the thing into one million pieces or whatever, climbed on the countertop of their kitchen totally naked, screamed about dying more, and ran out of the house to beat a cop up and steal his car and drive it 5 miles out into a car with 2 people in it. there is a video.

needless to say he is traumatized, his friend is in the trauma unit, the people he crashed into are in the trauma unit, no one is going to come out of this even half okay.

hearing that, and the thing with her mom insulting me behind my back (not new but it sucks and this is the worst it's ever gotten), today is kind of a stupid nightmare. but i feel okay basically. i was more pissed earlier and my gf left a drink in the laundromat, she mentioned it in the car ride to the grocery store, and i said "another one of today's disappointments" and her mom said something and we just said it had nothing to do with her, the statement. maybe that sucked of me. whatever, kind of. i don't like being mean but how else is she supposed to take the hint that she is being not a good or even likeable person when she acts like this, and is only being delusional when she believes she's in the right.

and i totally am grateful she drives us around to help us run our errands, she doesn't have to but, like, she does it because she thinks she's going to get payment from it some day, and she also does this because literally, i hate to bring it to him again, but she has fantasies of her daughter going on bill maher or cnn, and hoping her daughter would agree with anything she says in her head, she'd get to finally have her genius thoughts spat out in the most meaningless information streams the general public are exposed to, hoping her daughter will be an 'expert' that can be used by the media to bludgeon people with basically because they are wrong and she would, being her daughter and hopefully (but in actuality she disagrees with her entirely) agree with her, and prove that she, ******a, is right about everything. she would like to reduce her daughter that she has beaten, manipulated, called an accident, into a mouth piece and robs her of herself totally in her daydreams. a miserable excuse for a parent. i am grateful though. i try to like her. sometimes she is a very kind woman, or she makes the effort which counts i guess, but my gf is beyond ever being convinced that she really is nice, rightfully so, i'm just on my way there, i am going to lay down in a sea on the other end of some mountains and let the sea take me away, the wash whispering oh well a million times over.

some people only have ressentiment. that's how her mother is. the wasted life. she hates that i don't work because hard work is all that matters, she doesn't see the ways i work hard but all her hard work has given her is arthritis and misanthropy.

i should put some images here about this vague malaise.

yanase masamu - a length of capitalist's drool.

combatwoundedveteran - this is not an erect all-red neon body

mark mccoy - wound

hans bellmer - la poupee

ilona jurgiel (idk if she called this anything, striking though)

jean cocteau (tragically i do not know where this is from, making me feel stupid, but it strikes me right now as meaningful).

i don't know if these images connect at all really for anyone else but they are pretty things to adorn myself with, little resonant chimes that harmonize with right now distantly, or maybe in detuned 5ths, some kind of gamelan tonal array.

i always feel like anything where someone has their guts out though, re: mark mccoy + the cwv album cover.

anwayssssssssss ughhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhh:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sublimecatgalaxy]

Brown Eyed Girl- Part Three

Pairing: Elliot (Euphoria) x Reader

Summary: The Reader finally tells Elliot about their predicament, needing his support and to know how he truly feelings.

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: Mentions of sex, pregnancy, swearing, sex and angst.

!TW! for those who have etemophobia, the reader is pregnant so there is mentions to throwing up and nausea.

A/n: Hello all, I'm sorry this took so long to get out once again, I really have been struggling the last few days financially, emotionally, health wise. Literally everything's falling apart :D

Number one worst thing about the first trimester of pregnancy; the nausea.

I always thought people were exaggerating when it came to throwing up and how often, thinking that maybe it wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be. I know that everyone’s different when it comes to pregnancy symptoms and I know that there’s even a superstition that certain symptoms can indicate the sex of the baby- I don’t know. My mom told me that she wasn’t nauseous at all with Cassie but with Lexi and I, she wanted to live in the bathroom all day, her stomach was a mess. 

Even just thinking about it being nauseous makes me nauseous, thinking about food, stressful situations, Cassie, all of it makes me physically ill and sick to my stomach. But today, with Elliot on his way, there’s a small garbage can firmly planted beside me, a towel on my bed, covering my fluffy blankets just in case. I hate being nauseous, I hate the feeling of wanting to just rip the bandaid off and get sick so I could potentially feel better but the doctor told me to get used to it, that this was just the beginning and that I was ‘in for a treat’. I know it’ll just come right back and that my brief, fleeting moments of normalcy will be exactly that. But now it’s especially bad with the conversation I’m about to have with my loving, understanding boyfriend.

But there’s only so sweet and loving one person can be, right?

I knew that deep down he would try to fix the situation, to help me feel as better as I possibly can, understanding that this is the type of situation where I could possibly freak out and blow up with different kinds of emotions. But he’s just so calm. The calmest, most steady person I’ve ever met, but right now, I needed him to react. I needed to not feel so alone with my emotions, I almost wanted him to be afraid with me, instead of just handling everything like he always does. And I’ll be honest, I do feel a bit like a ticking time bomb, my nails anxiety picked at, my lips cracked and bleeding from biting them, and the nausea. He was in for a real treat, wasn’t he? 

I can hear my mom talking downstairs, I assume to Lexi now that Cassie stormed out of the house the minute we got home. She seemed almost angry to hear that my baby was perfectly healthy and thriving inside of me, her fury spilling over as she slammed the front door on her way out. She would have to get over it and suck it up because she’s going to be an Aunt whether or not she likes it or not. And maybe it would take me having my baby for her to see it, for her to understand that we didn’t need to have this anger between us, that we could just move on. The issue is, I have no idea what we’re moving on from. I don’t know why she’s angry other than the fact that she’s furious that I got pregnant.

My ears tune into the conversation downstairs as much as I can, listening to my mom laughing, someone replying to her but it’s not just my mom and Lexi’s voice downstairs, there’s another. And it’s definitely Elliot. My stomach drops at the sound of his quiet, timid voice, knowing how nervous he gets when it comes to talking to my mom. Who could blame him? 

Suze is crazy and we’re all well aware. 

I know that she’s not upset at me or angry at Elliot for getting me pregnant, knowing that we tried our best and that it happened because it was supposed to happen. That’s at least what I’m going with, not trying to overanalyze what we could’ve done better or if I failed as a daughter and as a human. She had the same mindset, trying to keep everything more positive and on a lighter, optimistic note, not letting Cassie’s sour attitude take over what’s supposed to be one of the biggest learning experiences of my whole entire life. 

Hearing footsteps climb the stairs, I pull my blankets further onto my lap as I turn down the volume on my TV, happy to have something playing in the background but needing to be able to hear myself think while he’s here. Especially since I’ve never done this before and I know he’ll have questions. The quiet knock on the door makes my stomach lurch, my small hum of acknowledgement echoing in my quiet room as the door cracks open. Elliot peaks his head in, a soft smile on his lips at the sight of me, slipping into the room silently as I take a deep breath.

“Hi sweetheart.” He moves quickly over to the bed, slipping down next to me with a soft smile. His eyes are worried as they flicker over my exhausted and drained expression, his lips pulling down in a sad frown. “Talk to me.” He reaches up,  cupping my cheeks, his cool hands soothing my heated skin, loving the feeling of him so close to me. “You’re kind of freaking me the fuck out, bug. Telling me we need to talk and that I need to drop everything and come here makes a guy panic.” I sigh, a forced smile taking over my expression as I lean back into my pillows, my fingers intertwining with his as he takes a deep breath. “If something happened, just tell me and we’ll figure it out. But I’m tired of feeling like you’re ignoring me and the look on Suze’s face scared the shit out of me, babe. She means fucking business toda- are you breaking up with me?” He gasps, false realization passing over his expression as I shake my head, squeezing his fingers as I silently reassure him.

“No, I don’t want that, never. I’m not breaking up with you.” I whisper, relief washing over him as I play with the rings on his fingers, thinking of a way to phrase the news in the best way possible. I had been going over it in my head for the last few hours, not realizing that all of my ideas would just escape me the minute he’s in front of me.

But apparently that’s the situation. 

“I just need to tell you something and I don’t want you to be upset-”

“You’re pregnant.” He cuts me off, my words stuttering as my brows pull together, confused at his assumption and how he managed to know that without me telling him. “Is that what this is? Why you’ve been sick? Why your mom looks green?” My words and breath get lodged in my throat, my stomach lurching once more as I try to think of something to say, anything to say. Anything would be better than me just staring at him blankly, not expecting him to literally take all of the work out of coming up with something to say. He looks almost calm, a bit confused, but he’s still breathing, he’s not yelling or crying- he’s responding the complete opposite way I thought he would. In fact, he’s blowing all expectations out of the park. “If you’re pregnant, just give me a nod or a yes so we can talk about it, alright?” He asks, scooting closer to me as tears bubble in my eyes, tumbling over as quickly as they come. He smiles sadly and silently, pulling me into his arms, cradling my head as I let myself relax completely into him. 

“I’m pregnant and I want to keep it-”

“Alright, then we’ll keep it.” I whimper at his simple reply, making something that I was working through in my head, worrying over, sobbing over, so easy. Is this how it should be? Should love and relationships, even big, scary things be like this- it’s all supposed to be comfortable and you don’t have to be afraid? Because all of my fears and all of my concerns are seemingly so trivial now, his calm smile, his slow heartbeat all calm me. “You should’ve just come to me, sweetheart. I’ll never be mad at you. This is our thing, not just your thing. We’re young but we’re not incapable of learning and figuring this shit out, okay- hey, look at me.” He cups my wet cheeks, brushing away my cheeks as his eyes flicker back and forth between mine

“How are you not freaking the fuck out? Elliot, I’ve been dying over here, throwing up, sweating, crying- I’m so sensitive and you have the audacity to not cry or get upset-”

“You want me to be upset-”

“No!” I pound my fists against his chest as he laughs, pulling me back to him as I deflate, my tears stalling as I listen to him laugh. 

“Sensitive and dramatic.” He coos, raking his fingers through my hair as I nod, humming in silent agreement. “I love you, Y/n. I get that’s the simplest thing you’ve ever heard but you know me, I’m practical, these things happen. So I’ll let you panic for the both of us and for now, I’ll stay calm and later on in the pregnancy, you can calm me down.” He laughs, laying me back down against my cushions, my bottom lip jutted out in a pout, the opposite of his put together smile as his eyes flicker down to my exposed tummy. “It is kind of crazy though, I’ll admit that- how many pregnancy tests did you do before you actually started to believe it?” He asks teasingly, knowing me better than anyone, understanding that, even though the results were in front of my eyes, I didn’t believe it until I got the results back from the blood test.

“Can you just come here and lay with me and like go over everything with me?” I ask quietly, reaching out to him as he grins, moving quickly to slip under the covers with me, his legs intertwining with mine. 

“Does this mean I have to stop smoking weed cuz shit-” I smack his chest playfully, giggles spilling past his lips as I tuck my face into the crook of his neck, loving his arms around me. I missed him over the last few days, happy that I finally got to see him and hold him, not worried about our relationship or if we would even last. But now, after his openness and understanding, maybe to a fault, he’s made all of my worries vanish at once.

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[gremlintheslut]

Forever theirs

Chapter 4.5 alternative no omorashi

Do not repost or translate my work without my permission.

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Finn thrusts in and out at an inhuman pace. I feel the coil in my stomach tighten for the 9th time today. We have been doing it like rabbits in my boss's office all day. Then I hear a timer go off. "home time baby girl" Balor utters against my neck and before I know it I'm in well... Somewhere else. We're laying down on silk sheets, the place looks like a sex dungeon and my mind is going a million miles an hour. "calm down we're at my place" he says as he continues to fuck me. I nod my head and try to focus on how good I feel but the weird stomach feeling is back.

A part of me wants to tell him to stop or to take us to my house but nothing will come out of my mouth. The coil in my tummy finally breaks and I come undone for the 9th time. Next thing I know Finn is painting my walls with his seed. He pulls out and lay beside me. "I know I probably should have asked before I took us here but I think you will have a lot of fun here," he says and I look at all of the toys surrounding us. I know what he says is true as my eyes lock onto a toy I recognize. "not today baby get some rest your gonna need it for tomorrow" he chuckles before getting up and returning a little while later with a washcloth.

After cleaning me up he kisses me and climbs into bed next to me. After a few minutes, we fall asleep but I can't help but feel upset when I wake up.

I'm home. In my bed. Alone. He has left and I wonder if he tricked me into thinking he cared so he fuck me and leave. Get ready for work and check the date to make sure it wasn't all a dream it wasn't. All of it was real and I guess I'll find out if he really cares today. He hasn't gone a single day without popping up and fucking me or at least trying to. When I get to work I'm shocked that my boss isn't waiting for me so she can ridicule me. Then I'm even more shocked to find out that everyone is looking for her. The last time anyone heard from her was yesterday when I was in her office for half the day with the door locked. The only excuse I can think of is that she was screaming at me for violating the dress code and wouldn't let me flaunt myself around the office so I had to stay with her the whole day.

I told everyone that story and that she looked pale and she might be sick. The whole day I can't stop thinking about what Finn said. He was sure she wouldn't be back soon? What did he say to her? What did he do? Those thoughts distract me for most of the day until I leave my desk to go to the bathroom. Usually, Finn would pop up and try to have a quickie in a stall but he doesn't. He hasn't shown up at all today. Or maybe he has and I haven't noticed. No. I would know he hates being ignored and he wouldn't leave me alone if I didn't notice he was there.

Then the tears fall. I was right. He used me and now my boss is missing and people might think I did something to her. No one saw me or her leave. I am filled with anxiety, sadness, and confusion. I wipe the tears from my face and leave the bathroom.

The day passes slowly. I finally get to go home. The walk is lonely and I keep getting the weird stomach feeling. I turn into the alleyway where all of this bullshit started and I fight off the urge to turn around and take the long way home. Then arms wrap around my waist. "miss me, princess?" the Irish voice reaches my ears and for a second I am happy before I remember everything about today.

I want to pry his hands off and slap him. Then a second set of hands rest on my shoulders. I look up and see a tall unfamiliar woman. "I have been dying to meet you, sweetheart," she says staring into my eyes and smiling. I feel one hand leave my shoulder but I am too afraid to look at what it's doing.  A wet cloth is then placed over my mouth and I try to hold my breath. I feel lightheaded and I am forced to breathe in. Then I feel relaxed and weightless. My knees buckle and the 2 sets of arms catch me. I am slightly aware of 2 people standing near us. I close my eyes and they dont open for a while.

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Thanks for reading love ya-gremlin💞💕💋