#but those reasons have nothing to do with M being my teacher

[swordsoprano]

fuck it.

so at my dojo, as part of your black belt testing process, you had to write a 10k word paper, on a topic that the head instructor would choose for you as an individual.

mine was about my ~confidence issues.~

i don't know what kinds of topics other people were assigned. it wasn't a thing we students really talked about with each other. no one ever told us we weren't allowed to, and it wasn't, like, some sort of unspoken taboo, it just wasn't talked about. i don't have any sense that it would have been frowned upon if i asked people about theirs, but i didn't ask, and they didn't ask me either. i didn't feel any burning desire at the time to know what other peoples' topics were, and i don't feel any burning desire to know now either. it's a personal thing between the student and the instructor, i get that.

but i'm pretty sure other people weren't told to write papers about, essentially, how they were inherently broken for being neurodivergent.

(which is a big part of why my topic wasn't exactly something i was eager to talk about with other students.)

and idk why i'm even talking about this as something i "remembered" when. like. if you go far back enough on my blog you can find me posting about writing this paper. it's not some repressed secret hidden in the deep dark recesses of my mind, or anything, just a thing i hadn't thought about in a while.

actually i went back and looked and remembered more stuff that made me even more upset (such as: how fucking GOOD the paper was. i mean, it wasn't good. it was rambling and had no real coherent stucture and i decidedly wouldn't endorse everything i said in it today. but i'm proud of the delicate balance i struck between bullshit to appease her and crackling simmering rage. the fact that i have my doubts as to whether she even read the damn thing after all that.) so WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF DOING ANY OF THIS LMAO !!!!!! at least i'm fairly certain that the actual paper has been lost to the sands of time so i am physically incapable of going and reading it (because i KNOW that would be bad for me, don't fucking insult me by telling me that when i am well aware)

anyway. idk where i was even going with this in the first place. sure was fucked up that that happened, i guess. that's how most of my Trauma Anecdotes end. "sure was fucked up that that happened, i guess!" and then i just. don't want to acknowledge it until i do. but. like. that can be enough! i don't need to reach back into my brain and beat myself to a pulp until i've Done Enough Trauma Processing to meet some arbitrary standard that i don't even believe in! fuck!

i'm going to shut up now before i start talking myself in more circles

remembered something about karate but. like. what would even be the point of talking about it. like. any catharsis i might get from posting it/messaging someone about it feels outweighed by the fact that the act of such a thing would make it...more real, somehow, rather than something i can just forget about again and go on existing.

i'm aware that i can just write things out and not post them/say them to anyone but for me that's. i need to post it and/or say it to someone else in order to make it feel like it's being released into the void. if i just write it out and let it idk languish in my notes app or some shit then that's. like. the worst of both worlds. it makes it real AND i don't get catharsis from it.

and like. what would i even get out of telling someone?

advice? even if i wanted advice, and i do not, what advice could there possibly be for something from more than ten years ago? it's over. it happened. what the fuck would advice do at this point, besides insult me.

anger on my behalf? i cannot overstate much how much i do NOT want anger on my behalf under any circumstances at all ever.

helping people understand me better? lol no, i don't want anyone to know Everything about me. i'm not a puzzle to solve or a lab specimen to dissect.

sympathy? no, i'm not fucking fishing for sympathy. see, M, you were wrong about this one. you were right about other things though. yes i know that's the trauma talking don't fucking remind me.

it's not even about "i don't want to process my trauma" at this point (although i don't) it's also about. like. what difference would it even make at this point? bc while i don't think anyone truly Finishes Processing Their Trauma there is a lot of shit i have processed by now, actually, and it doesn't have to be Finished in order for it to be good enough. the thing i just remembered is just like. haha well that sure is more of the same isn't it. nothing more than another bullet point to add to the list.

and, of course, i spent longer writing this out than i would have if i'd just. written out the thing i remembered about karate. maybe i'll still do that. maybe i won't.

[wttcsms]

when you know, you know, atsumu miya ;

pairing atsumu miya x f!reader word count 1k synopsis atsumu considers marriage to be a trap, until he realizes that even a lifetime commitment to you isn't long enough content contains fluff, talks of marriage!!!! he's a softie

It starts off like this: nobody sees Atsumu Miya getting married — not now, not ever, not in the foreseeable future, nor in any of the millions of alternate and parallel universes that may or may not exist.

You’re just not the type of person we see settling down. 

Yeah, that might be true, but it still stings a little. It stings when he sees the white picket fences, and the cars with the MY KID’S AN HONOR STUDENT bumper stickers. It stings when he happens to accidentally catch a rerun of those family-centered sitcoms; the ones where they argue during the day and make up at night, with some cliche moral to the over dramatic situations that have occurred onscreen fifteen minutes ago. It stings when he watches his teammates get engaged and he has to congratulate them — he’s genuinely happy for them, don’t get him wrong — but still… 

It doesn’t matter. Atsumu Miya has long since held the firm belief that he’s just not the type of person the whole “fall in love, get married, have a family, cue the domesticity cuteness overload” schtick is meant for. Besides, it’s not like it’s something he’s spent years obsessing over (maybe months, at most). 

He rationalizes his bachelor status (that’s been a part of him for so long that it’s getting to become somewhat of a red flag for potential girlfriends) as him being the only one left with his priorities straight. After all, he doesn't have to worry about things like parent-teacher conferences or crayon drawings on the wall or trying to buy flowers to make sure the wife isn’t too mad when he comes home late. 

After all, he tells everyone, settling down is still settling. 

And Atsumu Miya, under no circumstances, ever settles.

Which is an ideal he clings to with such a tight grip, if it were flesh and blood, it would be suffocating. He doesn’t, he decides after a while, believe in marriage. 

(That is to say: he doesn’t believe that it’s possible for him. 

It’s not what he says explicitly, but it’s what he truly means.) 

So, when he tells you this on your second date, you’re a little stunned, but you’re quick to recover. Okay… So that’s the explanation you’ve been waiting for. The reason why this six feet two inches tall professional athlete with a bank account he generously withdraws money from has been single for so long is because he doesn’t believe in marriage. 

Other than that, he’s been nothing but great. Near perfect. So, all you do is nod and continue on with the original topic of the conversation. Eventually, your budding romance blooms into something much bigger than either of you ever anticipated or saw coming, and while you yourself have never mentioned the M-word after that date, it’s all Atsumu can think about right now. 

Marriage.

The concept of it looms over your relationship; a perpetual gray cloud that threatens to flood this perfect little relationship and have it all go down the drain. You never brought it up after he basically told you he would never marry anyone, and he never brought it up purely because — well — he’s a bit of a coward. 

He’s the type of person who’s set on his own convictions, by the way. If his balls ever drop, and he decides to Man Up, he figures he’ll start the conversation just like that. His stubbornness is nothing new to you, but him figuring out that he might be wrong makes his stomach feel funny. It’s sick and twisted. 

“Hey, what do you want for dinner tonight? I’m at the store right now, and I’m in the mood to cook.” He can picture it clearly: you, standing in one of the grocery store aisles, phone balanced in between your ear and shoulder as you compare the ingredients of the name brand and generic cereal. 

He’s in the locker room, about to pack up his gym bag (that you’ll complain reeks) and head back to his apartment (that’s starting to feel a lot more like yours, with the way your skincare products dominate the bathroom counter), and it hits him so suddenly, he has to sit back down on the bench. 

Atsumu Miya thinks that marriage isn’t for him, and as a defense mechanism, he decides that marriage sucks anyway. But through the tinny speakers of his phone, he can hear you toss something in the shopping cart. He hears the faint crying of a toddler in the background, and then he starts to think about what it would be like to walk around the store with a baby that takes after you. Right now, you’re already sleeping in the same bed with him at least four times out of the week, but it would be perfect, he thinks, to get the privilege to wake up to you every morning.

“Atsumu?” You try to get his attention, and Atsumu tries to ignore the warm and fuzzy feeling he gets when he considers a future with you. Settling down is still settling, he tells himself, and then he thinks of the way you looked when you caught the bouquet at a friend’s wedding. The pleased smile on your face, the triumphant way you held the flowers over your head, head thrown back in glee; you looked absolutely radiant. You caught his eye, and you quickly lowered your hands, giving him a sheepish grin. 

He realizes now that if anyone is settling, it’s you. You don’t know that he notices the way you tear up at weddings, or how excited you sound when you get back from dress shopping with one of your friends. You want to get married, and the only thing stopping you is him.

He’s spent ages deluding himself into thinking that he’s somehow losing if he decides to trap himself into a marriage with someone, but no one can accuse him of settling when it’s you he’s marrying. You’re the prize. You’re the only person in the world he wants to give his last name and an obnoxiously big ring to. 

“Make whatever you want, baby. I’ll eat anything.” He’s checking the locations for the nearest jewelers in his immediate vicinity. “I might be a little late, though. I have to check on something.” 

[ilovecoelacanths]

This is a story about a book that changed my life.

It's also about how amazing libraries and authors and people who care about sharing cool things with curious kids are. Also, fish (especially fish). It's kind of different than what I usually post but it's been bouncing around in my head basically since I started this blog so here you go, I hope you like it. This is the reason I love coelacanths so much, and why I think everyone should know about how amazing they are.

When I was little, I loved going to the library. My little brother and I would pick out way too many books and the librarians always had to come over to override the 30 book limit at the checkout stand (they pretty much knew us on sight and were ready to override it as soon as we started heading over to check out). After we finished getting our library books, our mom also let us look through the free pile that was in the foyer on the way out. It was mostly old library books that the librarians just needed to clean out, but there were a lot of books that people brought when they cleaned out their personal collections too (especially teachers, and there were a bunch of books with old school library stamps inside). The free pile didn't usually have a lot of things that interested me, but one day when I was poking through it I found a book called Fossil Fish Found Alive: Discovering the Coelacanth, by Sally M. Walker.

I loved it. I had never even heard of coelacanths before, but this book fascinated me. It told the story of an incredible animal, long thought to be extinct, that had somehow survived for millions of years! It was nothing like any fish I had ever learned about before. I already had a casual interest in marine biology that I can thank PBS Kids and Wild Kratts for (particularly their episode on sperm whales and giant squid, I loved that episode), but this book took it to a new level. I wanted to be a marine biologist so I could learn more about coelacanths.

Like a lot of things when you're 7, that was a phase. Unlike a lot of phases, this one I came back to. After taking a break from my dreams of being a marine biologist to experience the hell that is middle school, one day I pulled a book off my shelf. I hadn't read it in a while. When I picked it up again, I remembered how incredible this animal was, and how much it had inspired me when I was younger, and those thoughts of becoming a marine biologist started to return. I'm in college now studying marine science, and I brought the book with me to school, where it sits next to two other science books that have inspired me (My Friends the Wild Chimpanzees by Jane Goodall and The Sea Around Us by Rachel Carson).

Earlier this year, I was thinking about how much this one book had changed my life and I wondered if I could find Ms. Walker and thank her. I knew she had many other science books for younger audiences, and even another book about coelacanths, so I was sure she had a website of some kind, and I was right. So I found her contact page and wrote her an email explaining the impact her book had had on my life, and thanking her for it. And to my surprise, she responded! She was very kind and we sent a few emails back and forth. She gave me some excellent advice and even told me about some of the people she contacted while researching her book, including Marjorie Courtenay-Latimer herself, the person who rediscovered the coelacanth when it was thought to be extinct! I'll never forget how she took the time to respond to me and how encouraging she was.

But Ms. Walker isn't the only one I have to thank for pointing me toward the path I'm on right now. If I hadn't already loved reading, if I hadn't seen any show or video to make me interested in marine biology, if the library didn't have a pile of books for anyone to take home, if I had lost that book during one of our many moves as a kid, I don't know what I'd be doing right now. There were a lot of things that happened to make it so that I found this book, but I'm glad for every single one of them. They led to me learning about an incredible animal and changed the course of my life. And now, I love coelacanths.

[clangenrising]

Hey! I sent an ask a while all the way back in February under anon praising your work, and I had been trying to follow along ever since but kept falling behind so I've just been reading a bunch of your pieces in a row in few-day bursts until I'm caught up to present lol. Anyway just now was the most recent burst I had finished, and I just gotta say. Yeah wow. Capital W Wow and the W stands for Winning. The way you're so committed to portraying real, almost tangible nuance in all your characters. How they all have deep reasons why they act the way they do but they start to be confronted and conflicted about the flaws in their views, the journeys they have to take to either change that or figure out if they even want to.

Namely with Ghost in the recent piece. Ever since I was introduced to him I knew there was more to him than just his blind following of his flawed society, that there has always been room for him to question his actions from the very start of the story and it may have always been there in him as a little inkling of an idea. But Fogpaw's confrontation was the moment that had really solidified it for him, driving it home even further since Smokyrose's death which also had to have taken a toll on his ability to trust his own thoughts (Been a while since I've read those pieces though so memory is fuzzy and I'm guessing there). He's someone who strikes me as someone who's always subconsciously suspected he's flawed, but never let it be an actual consideration until those actions he let himself carry out started having terrible consequences. And now he has to look back and face everything he's ever done, knowing full well he may never be forgiven by anybody he's wronged, but he still has the want to change for himself and I find that so inspiring. Having to face all those mistakes, learning just how much of your life you spent treating people unfairly... being confronted with all of that at once AND trying his best to make up for it all WHILE dealing with a new disability and terrible ear pain... it's no wonder he's deathly tired lol.

But the other character I want to highlight is the one who's been here and significant from the beginning - Scorch! A lot of people have talked a lot about her already but I'm in my own analysis flow state and I wanna ramble about how good of a character she is too. The walls and defenses she had to put up to protect herself, the lies she had to stick to to make other people believe things she didn't just to make sure she wouldn't die in the city... Razor's power over her and how nothing she did could convince him to truly loosen his grip on her during her time in the city, or even after she escaped and found RisingClan... The masks she has to plaster on herself and cycle through, and how the people who know her can just see right through them anyway... She's a person with immense trauma and like a solid two-thirds of her entire personality is a complex trauma response, but it served her well and protected her and so she keeps it up, and she even teaches a little of it and the affected worldview it gave her to her apprentice Fogpaw who is more confused than anything else haha. That's a very interesting dynamic too, someone who is thoroughly convinced every interaction is some kind of transaction where the other person always wants something in particular from you, and the other person who can't even fathom why or how interaction would work like that at all. Fogpaw is her perfect foil, someone who challenges her views and all the walls she's had to keep up more bluntly, and it's a very beneficial mentor-apprentice pairing that pushes them both to be better and that's a very amazing and interesting thing to see. How the student has things to teach their teacher in return.

It's just. The way I can read these character's thoughts and FULLY understand why they think in the ways they do and how those ways of thinking make sense to them... It's like I am quite literally transported into their mind in full and that is NOT an easy thing to do in writing at all. Most of the time you're just kind of a spectator, looking into a character's thoughts just to know why they do certain actions. But to understand the thoughts themselves, to see the full picture and possibly even a bit beyond it, to know the characters inside and out and see their worldviews and be like "Oh yeah, I see exactly how they came to those conclusions!" AND have those views be riddled with flaws in a way that makes everything feel SO realistic and tangible... That's like. Not just anyone can do that. Your hard work in developing these silly complex kitties has paid off in full, Rowan. Be proud of yourself, I simply demand it. lmao

AAA Thank you! this ask makes me so happy, I really appreciate you taking the time to say this all, it means a lot to me. 50 RisingBucks to you haha

[starxiasstuff]

Hello! Can I ask for some headcanons for Mikey and Izana with a s/o who's the president of the biggest all-female gang in the city?

OMG YES we love a girlboss y/n I'm just a bit confused on if you want Mikey+Izana×y/n or of you want it individually l, so I'll do all three!

...........................................…...…..................

!!Mikey+Izana×y/n

-How they found out!

-Izana was just having a casual meet up with some tenjiku members, yk just walking around the area and eating street food nothing serious at all, but they walked past an abandoned dump.

Ran was like "ooooo looks haunted we should totally go!!"

and he just dragged everyone there, they were checking the place out and found some gang like markings, which were bloody looking roses painted on significant areas. Getting curious they went further into the dump and started to hear some girls talking about an upcoming gang meeting, now they were kinda taken aback since the largest all female gang has been inactive for almost a whole year, basically no one has ever really heard of them and ppl just thought they were stupid rumours, like please women in a gang?!?! senju side eyeing this.

They got even more curious when they see more girls coming from here and there so they decide to ask a short looking girl who was walking towards a secluded corner of the dump, she was for sure wearing a gang uniform a button up shirt and some pants with some heeled boots the shirt had carefully embroidered bloody looking roses on it, the same type that was painted on the other areas of the dump, she explains that the largest all female gang in the city is having a comeback, they were having a meeting discussing on how to a avenge a member who was unfortunately taken advantage by another gang.

Ran being the idiot he is decided to "cHaRm" the petite girl he got kicked hard .

She then says that they should get utta withered roses (gang name) hide out and that the leader y/n wouldn't be happy with non members here.

Upon hearing your name Izana went into a literal frenzy, you a gang leader he never ever imagined it, he took a picture of the dump and markings and ofc sent them to mikey

-izana's and mikey's chat-

*Izana sent three attachments*

*Mikey is online*

*Messages viewed*

M-HOLY SHIT ARENT THOSE WITHERED ROSES MARKINGS?!?!

I-YES THEY ARE DUM BITCH, ANYWAYS I JUST THOUGHT THEY WERE A RUMOR, BUT THEY'RE COMING BACK!!

M-AYO- I wonder who the leader is, she must be really badass is she's leading a gang that big

I-.....

M-?? what's the matter?

I-i know who the leader is.

M-ok and?? It's nothing to be freaked out about, I think it's nice that gang leaders know eachother.

I-Stupid, we both know who the leader is.

M-the only female delinquent I know of is senju.

M-so spill, who is the leader.

I-Y/n

M-

M-WTF WTF WTF!!!! YOU MEAN THE SAME Y/N WE LOVE AND CHERISH WITH OUR WHOLE LIVES WHO IS ALSO AN ANGEL AND WOULD NEVER WVER HURT A FLY IS ALSO SCARY GANG LEADER Y/N

I-BITCH YESS

I- I THINK WE'RE OVEREATING BUT IM IN SO MUCH SHOCK.

M-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

-------------------------------

Headcanons

-Mikey would literally just say "omg you go girl boss" every time you were the tiniest bit sassy

-both of them would be super concerned for your safety esp if you had fights late at night

-you being so badass would give Izana yet another reason to show you off "HEY OVER HERE EVERYONE THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN HERE IS THE LEADER OF WITHERED ROSES AND IS MY BEAUTIFUL S/O!!!" Mikey would also join in.

-three way alliance

-would totally watch all your fights and cheer you on

"AYY THATS MY GIRL BEAT HER SORRY ASS TO A FUCKING PULP!!"

-both of them would let you in on their battle secrets. "so y/n

This is what you do if you and your enemy have a height difference "

"hm?"

"bite their shins."

"Mikey wtf."

-if you didn't know how to ride a motorcycle they would be the best teachers for sure, girlie you just graduated from "Sano and Kurokawa's school of motorcycling".

-they would cry if you came home with injuries

-you guys would train/spar

-------------------------------

Hello my Luvs and hello to you anon!! This is all I can finish for now, I'll hopefully finish it tomorrow and I hope this is what you wanted anon!

I'm back this time I'll finish it.

!!Izana Kurokawa×y/n

-How he found out!

"Hey Izana did you see my gang uni?"

"Ohhh the uni with roses all over it, it's in the laundry room I just ironed it!"

"wait... THAT'S YOURS?!?!?"

*cue Izana choking on mikey's taiyaki*.

You gave him the news of his life when you told him the you lead withered roses, bro choked on his food and stared at you in disbelief for the rest of the day.

-------------------------------

Headcanons

-Tags along if you have gang meetings

"WASSUP GIRLIE POPS ITS YO' BOY IZANA HERE!!"

-thinks you're so pretty in your uni

-admires you when you take on an opponent who's clearly stronger

-gets worried and calls all your subordinates if you're coming back late from a fight

-brings you to tenjiku meetings more often now that he knows that you can defend yourself against touchy feely members

-if the police bust your hide out he lets you and your top members hang out in tenjiku's hide out

-if your uni needs washing (cause of blood). He'll turn into fucking ayano aishi and clean your uni until it looks brand new

-tries to set your respective members up with tenjiku members for the fun of it

-be ready for extra training hours at the gym

"you have a upcoming gang fight, you need to train more if you wanna win this, y/n."

*insert y/n being dragged into the martial arts training room*

!!Manjiro Sano(Mikey)×y/n

-How he found out!

"Y/N-CHIN"

*practically kicks the door open to find you having a meeting in your room*

"i-... MIKEYY HII UHH THIS ISNT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE THESE ARE JUST SOME OF MY FRIENDS AND WE'RE TRYING TO SUMMON DEMONS!!"

"OMG DEMON SUMMONING SOUNDS SO FUN CAN I JOIN IN!!"

"y/n.. girl no offence but your boyfriend is kinda stupid.."

*cue you and the other girls nodding in unison*

"Oh Mikey you poor poor thing.."

"huh what makes you say that-?"

"you dimwit, your seemingly harmless girlfriend is the prez of the biggest all female gang in the city."

*Mikey passing out."

-------------------------------

Headcanons

-Passes out as soon as he finds out, when he wakes up he will hug you and cry, he's genuinely so scared of someone dying while being a delinquent (baji)

-Takes you to meetings on his bike

"y/n-chin, i have lots of free time, if you have a meeting I can always drop you off"

-you become an honorary touman member, Mikey was crying like a proud mom after the *ceRemOnY*

-if he gets into a petty fight at school he'll just say while being overdramatic

"YOU KNOW WHO *sniff* MY GIRLFRIEND IS, SHES THE PREZ OF THE BIGGEST ALL FEMALE GANG IN THE CITY, SO DONT *over dramatic sob* FUCK WITH ME!!"

-he gets less protective knowing that you can fight for yourself

-he along with chifuyu very politely asked you to punch kisaki's nose

-you'll teach Emma some moves.

-------------------------------

Hello my luvs, I'm done with this post as promised my requests are still open!!

[queenvreads]

REVIEW: One of Us Is Lying by Karen M McManus

*Contains Spoilers*

5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

This is one of those rare cases that I actually watched the tv show, before I read the book. The show was really good, and I figured since I loved it so much the book must be even better.

If you're wondering this book is like a mix of Breakfast club - gossip girl - Pretty little liars - and even revenge.

Its the epitome of YA murder mystery that I ADORE!

There were actually some really big differences between the first season of the show and the book. It didn't alter my rating, I am actually glad we get 2 alternate endings in both. One a little lighter, and one a little darker.

The #1 major difference between the series and the book is the identity of Simon's killer. In the show, Jake and Simon planned a prank where Simon would fake an allergic reaction to peanut oil, but Jake got scared when Simon revealed he had recorded their conversations. Jake stole the epi pens, leading to Simon's death. In the book, Simon died by suicide and involved Jake in his plan to frame others for his murder. The series added the detail of Simon being the mayor's son, which wasn't significant in the book. Simon brought Jake in to take over About That after his death. Jake was pure evil, as he also manipulated a conversation with Janae to blackmail her into compliance after Simon’s death.

I liked Simon’s story better in the series as it was less “13 reasons why” and more a murder situation. Jake & Simon were also more “friendly” in the series than the books and there was no mention of Simon’s funeral & the xbox in the book.

#2 Nate and Bronwyn's relationship had more development in the book. In the series, Bronwyn initially dated Evan but became interested in Nate after Simon's death.

I really enjoyed their romance more in the books. I understand that for tv they may have wanted to drag out them coming together a bit more for ratings, but the book did it well. Bronwyn does sort of ‘date’ Evan at the end of the book, but of course ends up back with Nate. I also liked both characters better in the book.

#3 Maeve in the book was the gang's tech expert but was not romantically involved with Simon or Janae. However, in the series, she had romantic ties to both of them. Bronwyn still had a reason to confront Simon in the book due to an About That post about her sister, and Maeve appeared on the app after getting drunk at a party, not for sexting as shown in the show.

I enjoyed Maeve way better in the book than in the series. In the series she was conniving and at odds with her sister at times. Bronwyn kept so many secrets from her and in the book they were very close, and Bronwyn told her everything.

#4 The detention teacher, Mrs. Avery, played a role in Simon's death in the series by being blackmailed to get the Bayview Four into detention. In the book, Mr. Avery was the detention teacher and had no involvement in Simon's death. Simon paid students from another school to create a fender bender to remove Mrs. Avery from the room.

I was expecting this to be the same in the book as they kept hinting that the police should look into the teacher but in the end they had nothing to do with it.

# 5 Cooper's outing as gay had more significant consequences in the book. In the series, his brother and girlfriend already knew about his sexual orientation, but in the book, Cooper was completely closeted. Cooper's father's reaction was also more homophobic in the book.

I preferred Cooper’s story more in the books than in the series.

#6 Kris, Cooper's boyfriend, had a minor role in the book since Cooper was not out. In the series, Kris knew Nate and attended Cooper's baseball showcase. In the book, Kris knew Cooper was in high school and not out, leading to a temporary breakup in the series. Despite his limited role, Kris was the one who connected the dots about Simon's depression and dark suicide plot in the book.

I loved Kris in the book, but not so much on the show. I felt like their relationship overall was much healthier in the book. Once Cooper was outed he and Kris were basically hanging out with the murder club openly and I liked Kris’ involvement.

#7 Janae knew about Simon's whole plan in the book.

I liked Janae so much more in the show. In the book she knew everything and let it happen. I found it very disturbing she knew Simon was planning on this suicide mission and she try to didnt prevent it.

#8 Jake was arrested, and not killed in the book. Whereas in the show, Addy kills him when he attacked them in the forest after a party.

This is a major twist and is different from the show. Which will make watching season 2 and reading book 2 completely different experiences.

There were other small differences in the series vs the books, I couldn't keep track of all of them but one that stood out was Ashton’s presence in Addy’s life. She was around for everything. She wasn't in the series.

✍️Befriend me on Goodreads: ⭐HERE⭐

[bcbdrums]

I'll Break Your Fall

FFn | AO3

A young Spirit and Stein story.

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A/N: Rated M for one brief graphic description of violence/horror and some vaguely implied gore. Probably the rating is cautionary, but, *Sid voice* that's the kind of person I am. Just being careful. This is a young Stein and Spirit story, full of angst and suspense and I guess even some fluff? Maybe? I've decided to headcanon a three-year age gap. Spirit is 14 and Stein is 11 in this story, and they've been partners for almost a year. I'm an anime person, only just barely started the manga (so excited to read it!), but I do include I think one use of a Japanese honorific just because it seems tied to Stein as a character to use it even though it doesn't appear in the anime dub... I've read enough of the manga to get attached to the term. So...this story was inspired by a song, and by a piece of fantastic art I couldn't get out of my head. Can't reveal them yet, cuz spoilers (they are linked at the very end). But then, as stories go, this took its own path away from the inspiration and my gosh I'm just elated with what happened when I gave the characters the lead. I hope it's not trash. I adored writing this. I hope you'll enjoy it too.

I'll Break Your Fall

Spirit had never paid too much attention to the study of souls. The topic was interesting to him, but not having anything special about his own nor any of the unique abilities that other meisters and weapons had, it simply wasn't his focus. He wasn't bitter or jealous, however. He was content knowing that each soul was unique and exactly as it was meant to be. And if his soul was meant to be average, then who was he to argue?

He never let it dampen his attitude though, especially given what Lord Death had once told him. It had been nearly a year ago that he'd been called to the Death Room for the first time and responded with the anxiety of an innocent called before the headmaster. What in the Reaper's name could he want to see Spirit about, a low-level scythe without a meister?

It was then that he'd been informed of an incoming student, and that Lord Death had chosen him to be his partner.

"I'll have a few more conversations with him before I introduce you, just to be sure, but I think a soul like yours will complement his perfectly," was what Lord Death had said at the time. Spirit never forgot those words—a soul like yours—and had often wondered what it was that the ironically larger-than-life being could see in him that he couldn't see himself.

It had been quite the boost of confidence, and perhaps the reason he wasn't too concerned when they studied soul types and special abilities in class. However average he might appear to his teachers and peers, Lord Death knew otherwise. He'd seen something in him to hand-choose him out of every student to be the weapon partner of possibly the strongest meister in the entire school, and the youngest on top of that. Still, it came up often enough—especially partnering with someone so unique—that his own soul was average and that he had nothing outwardly special about him.

It was this knowledge that had Spirit both confused and alert one night when suddenly he was startled from deep slumber as beyond a shadow of a doubt, he sensed a powerful soul.

He knew it was a soul instinctively, for what else could it be? And the fog of sleep was rapidly leaving his mind as he tried to make sense of the mad feelings that were rapidly pressing in all around him. It wasn't like the kishin egg souls he ate after defeating an enemy, and it wasn't like anything he could recall learning about in class. Or at least, he didn't think so; suddenly he wished he had paid more attention.

No, this soul was wild, electric, and untamed...and it was tearing itself apart.

It was massive, radiating such strength that it caused Spirit to shrink in his bed and pull the covers up closer as if they might provide some protection from the raw power that had woken him. He could feel the soul clawing against itself, trying to burst free from whatever it was that kept souls whole, ripping at its own seams as it warred against the will of the person to whom it belonged. And as the seconds passed it seemed almost as if it would engulf him, the person's breathless fear rising in time with his own and the soul's destruction surely imminent.

And then, Spirit knew. He may not have the ability to truly sense souls, but there was one soul that even an average weapon like him could always see.

His feet hit the carpeted floor too hard and he nearly tripped as he forgot to throw back the blankets, but momentum helped him keep his balance as he ran across the hall and in less than ten steps was at the bedroom door of his young meister, throwing it open before he could stop to consider that he should probably knock first.

He still couldn't see the soul, but fear filled the entire room as he stared in a strange combination of confusion and relief at his partner. The boy was okay, at least outwardly, seated on his knees in the center of his bed but curled down on himself into a ball. He had his hands pressed tightly against his ears and his whole frame was trembling, visible even through the black of the night.

Something had his meister terrified, and his very soul was beginning to rip itself apart in agony.

"Stein!" Spirit gasped, unsure what to do. His thoughts were a maelstrom, still bombarded with an inexplicable torrent of madness which was what he understood now to be radiating out of his partner's wavelength along with the fear, so powerful that they permeated Spirit's soul and had set him trembling from head to toe.

There was no way to tell what had happened, or what on earth he should do to help. All Spirit knew for sure was that his partner was afraid, seemingly of himself, and whatever had happened to trigger this, he couldn't seem to bring his soul back under control.

"Stein?" Spirit repeated, a little louder as he considered his partner may not hear him with his hands covering his ears.

The ever-present hum of resonance between them was why Spirit was able to sense him at all, and he realized that lacking any soul perception ability must mean that whatever was tormenting Stein was dreadfully powerful for it to have woken him and his being able to sense it so clearly. What must this fear feel like to someone with soul perception?

"Stein?" he tried a third time, taking a few steps nearer the young meister's bed. He considered that to touch him might startle him, although it seemed like anything might yield that result with the horrible state he was in.

Spirit thought a moment and then swallowed his fear as best he could and attempted to extend his soul toward Stein's. He didn't have a healing wavelength, but perhaps resonance alone would be able to snap his partner out of whatever horror was causing him to seemingly consume himself.

Spirit found it difficult to keep his feet, his entire frame beginning to shake as he felt like a tiny island standing in the ocean of Stein's soul, struggling not to drown as the roiling waves of his meister's wavelength surrounded and beat against his even more for being so near. But words weren't reaching the boy, and he had to do something to bring him back from...whatever was happening to him.

He pressed his wavelength harder against the dark torrent even as it started to choke the breath out of him, and then suddenly Stein's head snapped up in a gasp. He turned toward Spirit with his eyes wide and mouth agape. The weapon had never seen his meister look so astonished, as if he never expected to see him standing there.

"Stein..." he breathed desperately, still pressing against the chaos of his partner's soul that threatened to devour him. And with that single word, he finally seemed to break through.

Stein blinked, and the darkness that emanated from his soul seemed to lose a little of its strength. Spirit didn't withdraw his wavelength however, feeling that whatever was happening was far from over.

"S...Spirit?" Stein's voice came out small, and uncertain.

"What's happening?" Spirit gasped, feeling even less sure of his footing despite the faint calming of the powerful current in Stein's soul. His meister was still looking at him as if seeing a ghost, and the light was absent from his eyes.

"This...is what is real?"

"What?" Spirit said, starting to feel his knees buckling. It wasn't a fully conscious decision to stumble toward Stein's bed, but as he turned just in time to fall seated upon the blankets, breathless, he knew that the floor would have surely been his destination otherwise.

Stein didn't recoil from Spirit's sudden nearness, only stared at him more intently as the light slowly returned to his eyes.

"It was a dream..."

The words that slowly fell seemingly absently from Stein's lips caught Spirit's attention, and he looked sideways at his partner as he continued to extend his wavelength almost on instinct despite the crushing feeling he was still battling from Stein's chaos. But in catching the boy's eyes he finally started to understand... His meister had had a nightmare.

Most people's view of the youngest student in their class was that he was indifferent at best and callous at worst. He walked around with blank expressions or else out-of-place smiles that put people off, and his default was to be sullen except when in battle. That was when his soul would erupt to life, and Spirit knew what no one else did—that the small, steely-eyed boy possessed more emotion than perhaps all of them put together. But even without resonance, Spirit had started to learn the nuances of his meister's bland expressions; to others the boy may appear without feeling, but Spirit could see through the stoic facade.

However none of that was necessary now as Stein wore no mask whatsoever. He kept glancing at Spirit, ogling him as if shocked by his very existence, but then almost in the same moment his eyes would dart away with a heavy expression of guilt.

Whatever motivated that, it didn't stop his continually looking back at his weapon as if seeing a ghost.

"Do...you want to talk about it?" Spirit asked uncertainly.

"No!" Stein cried abruptly, and in an instant Spirit felt a violent resurgence of the dark dissonance. Right next to him now, faced with the full force of that pressure, Spirit could hardly breathe.

"You're choking me," he managed despite the tightness of his throat, and he knew that even were he not trying to break through with his wavelength, the raw power of his meister's soul would inevitably crush him. It was likely his feeble attempt at resonance was the only reason he was conscious at all.

He watched as Stein absorbed his words in confusion, slowly processing them until his eyes widened in understanding. Immediately, the pressure began to wane, though not as quickly as Spirit would have hoped.

It was such a relief that he fell back upon the mattress, his toes still grazing the carpet where his legs hung over the side of the bed. He gasped for breath though his lungs still wouldn't fill, and he continued pressing his wavelength against Stein's tumultuous one. It wasn't much, but the dark waves were starting to recede again.

As the seconds passed, Stein continued looking at him as if Spirit's presence in the room was the last thing on earth he'd expected, but interspersed were deeply guilty looks that had his olive-green eyes flashing away to stare at any other point in the room. However those looks never lasted long, as it did in fact seem that the weapon's presence was the only thing calming the distressed young meister.

Spirit simply stared back in fear and concern, waiting, reaching out with his soul as he felt a further wavering in the pressure against him. When he at last felt he could draw a full breath into his lungs was when Stein finally made the slightest move, reaching out hesitantly with a flat hand and poking his weapon's arm with his fingers as if testing the veracity of his presence.

This yielded a few results, the first of which was a choked gasp from Spirit that had him leaning up on his elbows to stare back with mouth agape. The slight touch had burned, and the closer contact with Stein's soul had him shaking with fear anew. Stein had jerked away with a gasp of his own, and as Spirit processed what he'd seen—not dark waves, but a wild, tormenting fire that seemed to be consuming his meister from somewhere at his very core—the younger boy's face took on an even deeper look of fear. His lower lip began to tremble as his eyes finally stayed locked on Spirit's, pleading for help.

"What's happening...?" Spirit said breathlessly as he sat up. He instinctively reached out, but then stopped, his hand frozen in the space between them. If he were to touch Stein again, that fire in his soul would surely consume him. It had been a split second, but it was far worse than the crushing pressure in the room that still had him feeling as if he was moving through tar and fighting for each breath.

He wondered again what someone who actually had soul perception would be seeing and feeling in the tiny apartment as his meister's soul tore at itself with the resolute goal of destruction.

Stein was staring back at him, fighting against whatever hell was in his head that had prompted this...madness. His lip was still trembling, and the fear and guilt had settled into a devastated mix in his eyes. It looked as though it was taking everything he had to keep the chaos of his soul from bursting forth, destroying himself and Spirit and who knew what else in the process.

Spirit had never thought to see the stoic boy in such a state, his soul lost and eyes desperately searching for an anchor. And as the two continued staring at one another, the red-head saw the younger boy's gaze flick down more than once to Spirit's hand that still hovered between them. Both of Stein's however had moved to his thighs, his fingers digging into his flesh through his pajamas. And was that red beginning to show against the white fabric in a couple of spots?

"Stein...?" Spirit asked, feeling the desperation begin to wash over him as well. Whatever was happening to his partner wasn't showing signs of stopping as he'd had hope for moments ago. Perhaps he should call a teacher or Lord Death for help?

"I..."

Spirit refocused on the face of his meister, still extending his wavelength from its small, safe haven toward the younger boy. He was shocked that Stein could feel his pathetic attempt at aid at all, given the massive differences in their souls. And for the first time since being partnered with Stein he began to feel inadequate.

"What can I do?" Spirit asked, still struggling to draw air.

"I..." Moisture began to shine in Stein's eyes, and Spirit's brow rose. "I'm sorry!"

Churning waves washed out of Stein's soul even stronger than before, and Spirit grit his teeth as he glanced down to where his meister's fingers were now definitely drawing blood.  When he caught enough breath to look up again Stein was still fighting tears as he sat frozen and afraid. He looked utterly defeated, holding on by a mere thread—grasping for Spirit's wavelength—against whatever it was that had happened to him.

Spirit made a decision.

He reached out and quickly enveloped Stein in a tight hug, forcing his wavelength against his meister's in hopes Stein would meet him in resonance. But instantly, at the contact, into the dark waves roared the fire, twisting and crackling and seeming to draw him down into a pit of darkness as static hummed in his ears, further overwhelming him as the water threatened to drown him at the same time the fire seared his body and mind. He couldn't fight this... He would surely be destroyed by this madness.

But if he fled from it, what would happen to Stein?

He was aware of choked sounds and cries coming from his throat, still struggling for breath as his soul battled the insanity that it had found consuming Stein's. But there were other sounds in the room now... Screaming? Was that his voice? And crying? It sounded worse than that. Which of them was crying?

"Stein," he attempted to say, unsure if the name actually left his lips as some instinct within his weaponhood continued the attempt at resonance with the clamor of his partner's soul.

He knew it was still there, somewhere, not yet fully consumed or else Stein wouldn't have been able to recognize him, speak to him... And then, Spirit realized with sudden clarity that whatever had happened, it was all coming from within Stein. The horrors that threatened to destroy his partner were part of his soul, and seemingly a nightmare had brought them all to the fore.

His brow furrowed as he held on tighter despite how it scorched his entire being to do so and he ran deeper down into the fire. The dark waves did nothing to douse the flames, the pressure increasing and the light fading the further down he went.

"Stein..." he said hoarsely, not sure if he'd spoken aloud or only in his soul as he sought familiarity in the madness. His partner gave neither aid nor resistance, lost somewhere in the war of water and fire. Spirit's heart was pounding as the pressure and heat sent a dizzying feeling to his head. Black danced at the edge of his vision as he ran through the chaos of Stein's soul, seeking anything to grab hold of to bring his meister back.

The flames were all around him, but he couldn't see them for the dark, crushing pressure of the waves. He couldn't breathe. His feet gave way as he began to fall into the pit that raged fire and the blackness began to take over.

But then out of the dark he saw a flash of red. It meant nothing to him except that it was different, and he stumbled toward it even as he felt his lungs about to burst. Red, and the sickly metallic scent of blood. Or was that the taste?

The fire was suddenly swept up around him by a fierce whirlwind, and it pulled the waters back with it. Spirit nearly choked for how quickly he gasped in the sulfurous air, but his breath was taken away again as within the whirlwind images began to appear, flashing past at speeds too fast to process. They were of blood and sinew, the shining edge of a scalpel that morphed into a cleaver, and a wicked smile on a familiar face too young to have fallen victim to something as fatal as the evils displayed before him.

At first the images appeared random, but gradually they seemed to swirl into a narrative. And they only became more violent and gruesome as it progressed. It was more horrifying than anything Spirit had seen on the battlefield, and his stomach turned at the scenes of flesh being rend from bone, of bodies ruined and desecrated, and everything slowly turning to red.

All around him blood had begun to rain, and Spirit realized with a twisting in his gut that the horrors went deeper still. He wanted to retreat, to back out of what was far worse than any nightmare could ever be.

But he still hadn't found Stein.

He pursed his lips and strode forward upon shaking legs into the whirlwind of red, holding his breath as it felt he had walked straight into a wall of blood. His nostrils confirmed the reality as the liquid fell thick around him, but he only closed his eyes and kept going. The fire and water were not so powerful anymore. It had to mean something, right?

There was something new down here in the pit too that he'd felt briefly when he first fell—a hum of static that came and went intermittently, clouding his desperate thoughts. It was like too many voices all at once, dozens or...was it millions? All trying to tell him something but they were too numerous to begin to isolate any, or discern their intent.

"Stein!" he called again, perhaps aloud or perhaps in his soul. "Stein! Where are you?"

To his surprise and relief, he felt rather than heard a familiar voice reply through all the noise. Somewhere in the wash of red, his meister had tried to answer.

"Stein! Wherever you are, take my hand!" He thrust his arm forward, fingers outstretched.

"I can't."

He felt the reply come in a terrified whisper, and it only made him more determined. He quickened his pace, hurrying past images that made him want to vomit and toward where he had felt the faint, frightened answer coming from.

"Stein! Come here!" he pleaded, fairly demanding as he struggled for breath, his arm still outstretched.

He knew he was getting close. Somewhere in this tumult, the wavelength of the boy who had been his partner for nearly a year now was cowering in fear. It was weak, withdrawn, and defeated.

This more than his own fear and pain drove Spirit onward. The madness, whatever caused it, would not claim his meister if he had anything to say about it. He ignored the pain and pressure and focused on the faint feeling of Stein's true wavelength, buried so deep in the pit he was amazed he had found it at all. But it was there, and despite the voiced resistance, he could feel the faint hope in response to his approach.

"Stein! Come here!" he said, more confident this time as he pressed through the wash of red.

"I can't."

Finally, he saw him.

Small and alone in the static-laden center of the whirlwind, Stein looked no different than he had on his bed. He was kneeling with his legs folded under him, fingers digging into his thighs and drawing blood that stained the white of his pajamas, the latter color made more prominent as he was surrounded by a puddle of darkness. It rippled violently, extending outward from the younger boy into the pool of red, and Spirit realized the source of the darkness was his meister's soul.

Stein's eyes were downcast, and he didn't lift his head at Spirit's steady approach.

"Stein. Take my hand," Spirit said as he stopped in front of him, still extending his own.

"I can't," Stein repeated, his tone flat now as he shook his head ever so slightly.

"We have to get out of here. It's...it's not good to be here," Spirit continued, his meister's resignation making him uncertain.

"But it's worse out there," Stein protested quietly.

Spirit was bewildered. In this mad, labyrinthine pit he was nearly blind. He was surprised that he could speak for the pressure against his lungs, and the heat of the flames still seared him from skin to soul even as he stood before his meister in the dark rain of blood.

"How can it be worse!?" he asked with genuine incredulity. "We have to go!"

Stein's chin only dipped lower, almost hitting his chest.

Spirit sighed heavily and knelt down in front of the younger boy, extending his hand directly in his line of sight. The darkness broke against his knees and rippled away from his presence.

"Stein, please!" he urged.

Stein finally lifted his head just enough to meet Spirit's eyes, and the look within the green orbs was pure terror.

"I... But I'll kill you, Senpai."

Spirit gasped as suddenly, some final barrier around Stein's wavelength fell away, and he saw with perfect clarity the path his partner's nightmare had taken.

He saw himself lying on a slab, cut up, eviscerated, and dismembered in ways more horrible than he could have possibly imagined. And worse, he saw his young meister standing over him, a mad smile bisecting his visage as he grinned down into the face of Spirit's dream-self. And then reaching down to the slab, Stein grabbed Spirit's hair and picked up his bloodied, severed head.

Spirit grimaced and shook his head to banish the horrifying images as bile rose in his throat. In front of him, his meister's gaze fell again.

The dark rippling intensified and no longer broke at Spirit's knees, washing through him now as fear began to seep into his soul. Was this truly what Stein wanted? Not just for him, but the other gruesome images he had seen as he strode through the pit to find his partner... Were those more than nightmares?

Spirit was devastated. This madness... It was part of Stein. It hadn't been placed there, or influenced by some outside source. The desire to cut, to tear apart, to desecrate... This, he realized, was the secret that lay carefully guarded behind his partner's dispassionate mask that refused to betray any emotion, that refused offers of friendship and pushed away even the most determined with a sadistic edge. Except that the latter, he knew now, wasn't really an act.

"Now you understand..." Stein murmured. The sadness that emanated from the boy was heartbreaking. "It's okay. You can leave me here. You'll be better off."

Spirit frowned, his jaw setting in stubborn defiance.

"No."

"I'm sorry, Spirit."

"No! You're coming with me!"

He reached down with his right hand and pulled Stein's up from where he was digging his fingers into his thigh, clutching it to his chest. Stein looked up in wary surprise.

"But...you'll be better off," the younger boy repeated slowly, still resigned. "If you leave me here then..." Stein lifted his free hand, but as it shook he dropped it and dug his fingers back into his flesh. He took a shuddering breath, his next words coming out in a frightened whisper. "I'll become a...a kishin... Death will send someone to destroy me. Then... I won't be able to hurt you."

Stein's gaze sank in defeat. The agony and fear radiated out of his soul in heavy black waves, weighing Spirit down as he still gripped his meister's hand to his chest, nothing being returned.

The fire, the pressure, the intermittent static, and the whirlwind of blood and horror... The fear that had finally been exposed, and the madness that was the reason for everything... Spirit ignored it all. It was for another time.

He wanted to question, to mourn, as the realization that he couldn't fix this caused his heart to ache. Not only was the madness borne of Stein's soul, he had probably suffered it his entire life. The grief tore at Spirit's heart as if it truly had been rend in two, not by a blade but with the pain of his partner's fears.

There was nothing he could do.

But his soul swelled in fierce determination.

"No. Stein, you're coming back with me."

Stein did glance up then, but his eyes were hollow, already having sunk back down to somewhere within himself. The boy shook his head slightly, sullen and resigned.

"Don't...don't try to save me," he whispered, an almost imperceptible quiver in his voice. "You can't."

Spirit's fingers clenched on his partner's hand as he blew air out through his nose in frustration.

"Well you know what, Stein?"

The boy's dour expression didn't change as he stared at him.

"I don't give a damn!"

There was something then—a flicker of color in Stein's eyes; something still alive. Surprised. But not enough to stop the dark waves of his soul.

Exasperated, Spirit threw his free hand out in a broad gesture at the thick rain of blood that surrounded them interspersed with images of horror that came and went sporadically.

"Is this what you want? Really!?"

Stein looked down guiltily, and Spirit felt with grave assurance that not only was this madness part of his meister's soul, but it was deeply rooted. This wasn't something new or fleeting that had come over him in a night, but a longstanding battle that apparently Stein was tired of fighting. And it was a battle far, far from won.

He adjusted his grip on Stein's hand and with his other grabbed the boy's shoulder, demanding response.

"Well? Do you!?"

It was an ultimatum, though Spirit hadn't quite intended it to be one. But he needed an honest answer out of the younger boy. And he realized he didn't need it only for Stein, but for himself, given the nightmare he'd witnessed. Did his partner, hand-chosen for him...the boy he'd trusted with his life for almost a year now...truly want to murder him?

Stein looked up. The whispered answer was pained, and offered through trembling lips.

"No."

Spirit sighed in heavy relief, but only gave himself a moment. He began to stand and pull Stein up out of the dark ripples at the core of his wavelength. The boy followed him.

"Then let's get out of here."

Stein's expression, still broken, had gained the tiniest spark of hope. But the wariness hadn't left his eyes.

"But...why...?"

There was far more in the question than Spirit could fully discern in the moment, but he answered what he knew Stein needed to hear most.

"Because you're my meister, Stein. And weapons protect their meisters, even to death."

There was something else then in Stein's eyes—a curiosity—that made Spirit wonder for a split-second if he'd said the wrong thing, but his partner's other hand slowly unclenched from his leg where he'd been drawing blood. Spirit took it as a good sign.

"And...you're my friend," he said, leaning forward to wrap his arm around Stein as he held his other hand tighter to his chest.

And then, finally, he felt Stein's soul come to his.

It wasn't the easy synchronicity he was used to on the field of battle, nor was it the insanity that had been threatening him as he struggled through the pit. No, this meeting of souls was different from every time before.

It was still Stein's wavelength, but it was as if Spirit was truly seeing it for the first time. He realized he'd felt it briefly before, when the madness first woke him that night. A soul that was wild, electric, and untamed. Resistant to control. Coming at him in power. And it pressed against and around Spirit's soul, trying to engulf him in haphazard waves that knew no single direction as they spilled from their source.

The resonance was erratic and barely holding together due to the disparity in their two wavelengths. Spirit's remained smooth and steady while Stein's erupted, beating against Spirit's and attempting to tear him apart. But the claws of madness slid off harmlessly now that Spirit understood.

It was part of the role of the weapon to yield, never to command. But this wasn't a battle against one of Death's enemies. This was just their two souls, Spirit's and Stein's, and as his young meister's seemed desperate to swallow his, to drown him in whatever it was that constituted his partner's daily existence and make him part of the madness...Spirit wouldn't allow it.

"Trust me..."

A small break in the dissonance as Stein considered Spirit's calm appeal. He didn't want to give in. He was afraid to. And Spirit wondered if that in itself was part of why Stein's battle against the madness was so long-lived... Because he'd been too scared to ask for help.

Spirit didn't falter. He only held on and waited as the darts of madness grew fewer and farther between. Stein's soul was still screaming into the darkness of the pit, electricity shooting out like lightning in search of a connection even as he surrounded the offered anchor of Spirit's wavelength entirely. But Spirit held back too. He couldn't allow more until the fear had been beaten back. Or at least, until it had stopped enough to eliminate the threat of falling again.

The flames, he noticed suddenly, were gone; a mere distant warmth somewhere beyond his sight. The waves that had been drowning him had receded. Every now and then he heard them break against the turbulent edge of Stein's wavelength, but they weren't a threat anymore. The static was quieting. And the red he only saw in occasional flashes as he felt a tiring in Stein's soul.

They were rising.

How exhausted must his meister be, if this was what he fought all the time? How had he kept it secret from him for so long? Was it always this awful?

Those questions and more pressed against Spirit's mind without answer, all serving to raise his compassion for the young boy who had been chosen for him. He remembered Lord Death's words on that fateful day again, and rather than feeling them with pride or assurance that his own state wasn't so low...he felt the fierce desire to protect grow even more.

No matter what he thought of his own soul... Stein was his. He had been chosen to be his. And his meister needed him.

His heart was gripped with a pain he'd never known as he continued waiting, stabilizing the raw, wild soul of the younger boy with steady, unshakeable calm.

It didn't even occur to Spirit to fall apart.

They were almost floating now, above the earth, above the clouds. The pit was almost out of sight as Stein slowly but surely let go of the fears that tormented him, the flashes of red fewer and farther between. And then finally, after what seemed an eternity, Spirit felt Stein. Not the blind hunt for something in which to sink hooks of madness or to devour for strength—his meister was finally back with him.

Spirit let crumble the hard shell he'd set around his soul to keep it safe, and instantly the raw power and emotion of Stein's wavelength surged in. It was both familiar and new as now his partner's secret was no longer between them, and with the revelation of madness something about Stein's soul had changed.

He wasn't holding back anymore, and Spirit felt that if he were to lose focus that Stein's soul would still swallow him up—but not to harm him. It was not a loss of inhibition so much as it was a desperate search that Spirit sensed, but this time with so much less fear. How had Stein kept it hidden from him for so long?

Stein's wavelength continued to come at him in a flood, but not one that overwhelmed Spirit. This time he wasn't drowning or choking, his head securely above water, and he lifted a hand to reach for his partner's through the light as their souls slowly found resonance, swirling together in delicate, twisting frequencies that vibrated against each other until merging into one soft song.

The fear faded. He felt Stein's fingers tentatively, willingly find his. Their resonance rate rose, and the light became blindingly bright. Spirit held control, and it was with relief that he felt the faintest frown from Stein. It made him want to laugh, to sense something normal from his young partner. But he maintained the steady pressing of his wavelength, letting his meister find his way in and around it.

Things were getting better. But he couldn't give Stein the lead. Nothing that had happened that night could be solved with resonance alone. This struggle would go on, and Spirit could only hope his partner would continue to trust him through it. He didn't want to think about what would happen if Stein locked part of his soul away again as he'd clearly done for years, tortured by madness, all alone...

Compassion radiated across Spirit's wavelength, and he felt something from Stein in response. A yearning to fall into it, as well as a hesitation. He was afraid of being pitied. Spirit sighed within himself and slowly let more of the shell around his wavelength fall so that Stein could see him as clearly as he saw his meister. And...he let go a small fraction of control.

This seemed to do the trick, showing Stein that he trusted him, and in moments everything else fell into place. The loud waves of Stein's soul slid smoothly between his own, and Spirit guided them into unity. Their souls were as one, reverberating with the electric power of Stein's and held together by Spirit's constancy.

The waves shimmered away calmly in all directions from the heart of their resonance, through the blue sky, toward the clouds, toward the earth, and out of sight. And while Spirit knew that for the moment all was well, there was still the faintest of interruptions in the younger boy's wavelength every now and again.

It was a war far from won. But for the moment, and as much as was possible...Stein was at peace.

Spirit opened his eyes.

It was like waking up but into sleep, to go from the brilliance of their resonance to the dark of the apartment bedroom. But the space was absent now of the crushing pressure and madness, and if not for the ten spots of red that slowly came into focus below him he may have questioned if the descent into the pit of Stein's soul had happened at all.

They were still resonating of course, and as Spirit looked at the place where Stein's fingers had drawn blood through his pajamas he felt a ripple of sadness from his partner's soul. He looked up to find that Stein was watching him, his eyes vacant.

Spirit's hand was in fact holding one of Stein's to his chest, the other wrapped partially around his meister and his fingers gripping his neck. Apparently that hadn't just happened in their souls.

Spirit straightened up slightly and drew a breath...and then he was falling as a swirling nausea and dizziness racked his being. He felt his shoulder brush against Stein's as he fell past him, landing awkwardly and painfully on the arm that had released his partner's neck. He'd managed to keep hold of his hand however, and Stein had twisted to watch him with wide eyes, his grip tightening on the weapon's. Spirit started to panic as the room spun and he struggled to suck in air, but after a he moment realized that the journey through Stein's...madness...had simply been taxing.  His body would need time to recover.

He forced himself to stay calm, and his frame shuddered involuntarily a few times as the tension started to leave him. Gradually his breathing evened, and his heart rate slowed... He became aware of the softness of Stein's blanket under his cheek.

He blinked as the dizziness faded, the room's spinning coming to a slow stop and the churning in his stomach subsiding into a dull ache. He became aware of a slight rise in their resonance rate and lifted his gaze to Stein's face, the younger boy still staring at him with wide eyes. He realized then that Stein had taken the small amount of control that Spirit had relinquished to send him strength.

He was trying to help him.

Spirit shifted, wincing as he wiggled his arm out of the painful angle from under his side and stretched it across the bed. Pins and needles prickled his flesh from his shoulder to his fingertips, but it began to wane almost immediately.

"Are you okay?"

Stein's voice was small and uncertain, his eyes still wide but his face otherwise blank.

Not only Spirit had figured out how to read his partner over the past several months, but he felt he could see even more now after the journey through his soul what each deliberately bland expression meant. And hidden behind the monotone words and still features was genuine concern.

Spirit tried to smile, but he couldn't tell if his muscles responded to his brain's commands.

"I..." he began hoarsely in reply, "should be asking you that."

Speaking hurt his throat, and he was bewildered for a moment until he remembered that he had faintly heard screaming. Had he been screaming when he dove into the fire? He reached trembling fingers up to his cheek and felt dried tear tracks.

"I..."

Spirit looked up to where Stein had glanced away, a guilty look coming over him again. Spirit could see the faint red rimming around his partner's eyes, and he wondered whose crying had prompted the other's during the chaotic resonance.

He felt something shudder across their souls and watched Stein's free hand fall to his knee, his fingers beginning to grip his flesh. Spirit shifted again with a slight grunt and set his hand gently atop Stein's. His meister's eyes flew back to his.

"Hey...stop. You're gonna hurt yourself again," Spirit said softly, glancing at the blood that had previously seeped through white.

Stein looked like he wanted to say something, but pressed his lips closed into a line. Spirit could feel the tension rising rapidly. It felt as though his partner would burst if he couldn't express whatever was still crying out within him for release, and so Spirit concentrated again on keeping their resonance stable, settling the rate into a low but steady thrum, hoping to soothe. If Stein didn't know that they were going to have to talk about what had happened, then the night was far from over.

Either realizing it himself or sensing it from his partner, Stein looked back at Spirit, his lips trembling.

"Stein," Spirit encouraged. They had to talk about it, difficult as it was going to be.

"At least it's better than hurting people!"

The words had burst forth even as Stein's fingers clenched his knee beneath Spirit's hand. Spirit frowned lightly and turned his hand over, forcing his fingers beneath Stein's palm until the younger boy acquiesced and Spirit pulled that hand away too. He made to sit up, but his head started swimming instantly so he let himself fall back again. Too soon.

"Why...?" Spirit asked, searching Stein's tortured eyes. "Why do you...want to hurt people?"

Stein watched him nervously, and Spirit knew he was making a decision between telling the truth or hiding it away again. He understood then...he felt through their resonance, that all of his partner's attempts at telling the truth in the past had ended badly. Very badly.

He frowned and forced himself upright. He closed his eyes against the dizziness as he sat on his knees in a position that mirrored Stein's and let go of his left hand to hold his own to his head as the black danced before his vision. Just how great a toll had the descent into Stein's soul taken on his body?

He looked up again and waited as the young face in front of him stopped spinning. Stein was still watching him uncertainly. He wanted to answer, Spirit could tell. It was burning behind his partner's eyes, eager to come out and be fully known. And Spirit wanted to understand, to make sense of the horrors he had seen down in the pit. He wanted them to mean anything other than that his meister was, at his core, a sadistic murderer.

But what if that was the truth?

"It's okay," Spirit managed. He would keep being brave for both of them. "Tell me."

A hint of hope, a sliver of trust, came into Stein's eyes. And then, a wild ripple across their resonance. Uncontrolled excitement that went every direction without guidance.

"I love to dissect things!"

The smile that had come across Stein's face was too real to ignore, and Spirit simply stared back, drawn in by his partner's unbridled emotion.

"I love to take things apart and see how they're made. I love to see how everything fits together so perfectly and shouldn't work but somehow... Somehow it all does. I need to know why it works! So I have to test things. I'll take the frog and start pulling it apart to see which parts are important and which aren't. What parts can it live without? How long can it go without some parts and not others? What causes instant death and how long can life be prolonged while it's still apart? How soon does it go into shock and what role does that play in prolonging or shortening life? And of course a frog isn't nearly adequate enough, the experiments have to be deeper to achieve any real result. How does a reptile react or a fish or a bird or a mammal? They're built similarly but different. So how do their anatomical differences play a role in what they can live with or without? What gives each of them life? And of course, ultimately it's all just a background to the greatest experiment, because the true mystery of life is in humans because humans have what animals don't. Humans have a soul, and I need to—"

Stein stopped abruptly, a horrified look flashing through his eyes before he looked down, struggling this time to school his features back to the colorless, bland expression he forced all of the time. This time when Stein dug his fingers into his knee, Spirit let him.

Shame. Shame and fear, beginning to build in his wavelength.

Spirit wasn't entirely sure what his face looked like, except that at some point during his meister's chatter his jaw had slackened. And then he felt the darkness, those black waves from the core of Stein's soul, rapidly rising.

Spirit inched forward on his knees closer to his young meister and gripped his hand tighter, lifting it to his chest again.

"Stein. It's okay," he pleaded in a hurry, not wanting to watch his partner fall again.

Stein shook his head. "No it's not."

Spirit sighed and tilted his head back, running his fingers through his hair as his heart pounded. "Yeah, okay...it's not. But it's going to be."

Stein shook his head again. "It won't be. It never has before."

Stein attempted to pull his hand away but Spirit held on tighter. "We'll figure it out together, whatever it takes."

"That's what they said too. But they—!"

Stein clammed up again, harder than before. His frame had started to shake, but he held onto Spirit's hand as if it was the only thing keeping him alive. Spirit pressed his wavelength against the blackness that clouded their resonance, trying to calm his meister, but then he hesitated. There were more truths not yet revealed, and perhaps the only way to know them was in peering into what Stein clearly spent all his time trying to keep buried.

Spirit relaxed his wavelength and closed his eyes to let the dark wave wash over him. And then he saw.

Two faces, a woman and a man, smiling down into his eyes, but concerned. Offering reassurances even as they put distance between themselves and him until they were out of sight. And then suddenly a gray room with windowless walls, painful fluorescent lights above, the same claustrophobic nothingness in every direction he looked. And the itching from the heavy jacket he couldn't take off. Why did it itch? Why was it pulling on his arms, pulling them across his body and pinning them and tying him and—

"Oh..." Spirit breathed as his eyes opened suddenly. "Oh, Stein..."

His meister was crying now, and Spirit didn't know if the tears that stung his eyes were a sympathetic response through their resonance or his own for what he had just seen. The black wave was still surging, washing over his soul, but it wasn't threatening him.

This was Stein's burden. A madness he had been seemingly born with, and a loneliness that had been imposed upon him because he couldn't stop it. A fear of isolation because imprisonment was the only solution to madness, save destruction, even though being set apart was the only protection he had. A struggle to conform in the way that was required to save himself even as his soul screamed for freedom. And the knowledge that those he was supposed to be able to trust over anyone else had let him down.

Stein hated being touched. Spirit wondered now if part of the reason was that dreadful, itchy jacket. But the way he still gripped Spirit's hand the older boy took as permission.

The first time had been quick and desperate, but this time Spirit carefully wrapped his arm around Stein, pulling him closer as the boy's tears turned into sobs. He received no reciprocating response, just Stein's uncontrolled gasps next to his ear as what was probably a lifetime of emotion flowed out of him, and Spirit continued holding his hand between them as the other held his meister tight.

In their souls, Spirit continued offering his wavelength, holding it steady and safe from the darkness but open and ready for Stein's to fall back in once he had resolved at least some of the grief that was pouring from his core.

He didn't know what to say at this point, so just allowed Stein to feel. It was clear the boy spent most of his time avoiding that very thing, in addition to fighting his innate desires. He wondered why, if this was what the boy went through all of the time, Lord Death had said that his soul would complement Stein's. Surely Lord Death knew the truth...? He had to, if what Spirit had seen about where Stein had come from was real. And those memories he had witnessed through his young partner's eyes were unmistakable.

So what was it then, about his soul, that Lord Death saw to be fitting to match wavelengths with...this?

The black hadn't receded, but Stein's sobbing slowed to sniffles. Spirit held on tighter, touching the side of his head to Stein's for just a moment. With that contact, Stein's fingers briefly flexed in his grasp. Spirit took this as a sign to move and leaned out of the hug, moving his hand back to Stein's other instead.

And then, he held his breath in wariness at the strange, condescending look that suddenly came to Stein's face.

"You must be really stupid."

"What...?" Spirit said, recoiling in shock from the sudden, harsh insult.

For the first time his wavelength faltered and he pulled back from their resonance due to the sting. He felt Stein's soul begin to move sporadically again with the absence of his control and regretted his retreat. But he was reeling from his partner's words.

"Why...why would you say that?" he couldn't help but ask, still in shock.

"You think I can be 'fixed.' That you have some power to save me. Nothing can save me, Spirit. I've known that my whole life. Even when I was in kindergarten, and in preschool before that.  They always made excuses to get rid of me, to send me on to the next place. And I couldn't understand why everyone just accepted everything so blindly. Why weren't my questions allowed? Why did everyone avoid answering? Why were they so afraid of me...asking...why? I never found out. After trying so many things they just finally got rid of me for good. But even at the...at the..."

Stein's defensive anger was arrested by the fear of the place Spirit had seen in his memories. What horrors had been committed against the boy there, he wondered with a shiver of unease. And it was with an even deeper queasiness that he suddenly wondered...which of the gruesome images that swirled amid the blood in the pit had been real?

Asking questions wasn't enough reason to lock a boy away in an asylum before the tender age of ten.

"Stein..." Spirit said shakily, his mouth turning to cotton as he was unsure he wanted to continue the path his mind had taken. But he had to know. "What did you do...?"

Stein blinked, the hard facade that Spirit knew well settling back into place easily even with tears still falling down the boy's face.

"Enough."

Spirit searched the green eyes, alight with too much emotion. Stubborn anger and apathetic distrust, fighting to supplant the fear and sadness that he could no longer fully hide.

"Did...did you hurt someone?"

Stein looked away.

Spirit sighed as his gaze fell. Why had he expected a different answer, after everything?

It was then that he noticed...Stein hadn't let go. He was still holding his hands.

Spirit looked up again, his jaw setting in determination even as his frame was racked with a tremor of fear he hoped Stein couldn't blame him for, given everything.

"Sorry, Stein." His partner looked up woefully. "But I'm not like them. I...guess I'm just not smart enough to let you go."

Stein blinked, the mask slipping again as Spirit stared back at him, holding his breath, hoping against everything that his meister would still accept him.

"What...?"

"I...I just have one question, though," Spirit said, hoping the tremor in his voice wasn't obvious.

Stein looked curious, apprehensive. The anger had faded and was being replaced again by that tiny thread of hope. His fingers were clammy between Spirit's, but he was still holding on.

"Do you...really want to hurt me?"

He had emphasized the last word more than he'd intended, and Stein recoiled from the question, glancing away. Spirit didn't take that as answer, simply waiting. Stein's face was hidden by shadow in the dark of the room as he fought a battle within himself that Spirit felt through the tremulous, black waves that still washed loudly across his wavelength.

Stein looked up again. The mask was gone. Spirit's partner was just a frightened child, misunderstood and mistreated, abandoned by the world before his soul even had the chance to try to find its way and thrive. And he had been hurt too many times to trust again.

But Spirit couldn't just let him go. He was his meister. Stein had been chosen for him.

For his friend...he would take the risk. For better or worse, Spirit at least had to try. He supposed he really was stupid like Stein had said...

Spirit released every last small barrier that could separate their wavelengths, letting Stein's soul spill freely into his. And he let go of all control. This startled his young partner and he watched Spirit uncertainly, his fingers fidgeting against the teen's larger ones.

"Stein," Spirit said firmly, demanding his meister's attention. The younger boy stared at him with hesitant, frightened eyes. "I am your weapon. And I'm your friend. I'm never going to leave you."

At this, Stein's lips parted, and a soft, trembling gasp slipped through. Spirit sensed the hope rising despite the darkness that was still so powerful within Stein's soul, and then he felt it again—that shooting electricity, the wild, raw power that was his partner's true wavelength. It was skeptical, testing him and weaving through him, looking for anything that could possibly mean this was a lie. But Spirit responded only with acceptance, with the quiet acquiescence to wherever Stein might lead him.

The fear within the waves calmed as it had before, and instead of the swallowing up that he'd expected from his powerful meister, Spirit felt Stein's soul cautiously nestle up against his. Peace began settling into their resonance but, occasionally there was still a brief dissonance where their wavelengths weren't fully in sync. The sound of it caused them both to wince, but neither withdrew, their souls still entwining ever tighter.

Of course it couldn't be perfect, after everything. But it didn't matter, Spirit decided. They could work on that.

And with that resolve, his body finally gave out.

"Oh..." he gasped as he fell, his eyes rolling back until all he saw was black.

The next thing he knew was panic rippling across Stein's wavelength seconds before he saw his face over him, heard him calling his name out of time with the movement of his lips.

It could have been moments or minutes, but he slowly became aware of Stein's hand attempting to lift his head, the cool feeling of glass against his lips, and the scent of water as the drink was offered. With trembling fingers that seemed not to belong to him, he attempted to steady the glass and lifted his head further to sip from it even as his eyes refused to fully focus.

The water was soothing on his strained throat, and after drinking his fill he gasped in relief and fell back again. A pillow was beneath his head this time, and he watched the ceiling overhead seem to rotate as his senses slowly returned. He listened to the glass being set down on the wooden nightstand, the creak of the mattress as Stein sat down, and then the wavering ceiling was replaced by the wide-eyed face of his meister.

"Spirit? Can you hear me?"

"Yeah... Yeah, Stein," he croaked. His instinct was to sit up, but he decided against it.

They were still in resonance, but it was a soft hum now compared to the brilliant power it was before he'd fainted. He hoped his young meister had managed all right for however long that had been, unsure what the madness might do without the steadying control he'd imposed upon the boy.

"Sorry," he said, trying to refocus. He needed to keep their resonance rate up.

"How did you...how are you doing that?" Stein asked.

Spirit blinked up at him in confusion.

"What?"

"How did you get so deep within my wavelength? No one has been able to find me down there before."

Spirit considered. He hadn't done anything special, he'd just...known he needed to help his meister and gone looking for him. Despite the threat of drowning and the searing pain of the fire.

He could feel it even now and shuddered at the memory as he ran one hand down his arm to be sure there were no actual flames. Yet he could still feel the scorching heat against his skin, and the choking weight of the water. And he could see the horrid visions within the rain of red...

Stein was looking at him, awaiting reply. "I just had to get you out," he said with a half-shrug against the mattress.

"No one has ever...been able to control my soul like this either," Stein said, almost marveling.

Spirit considered Stein's words at the same time he wondered if he could pick up the glass of water. They had been partners for almost a year. Why did it surprise the younger boy that he knew his way around his soul?

Stein was still watching him though, as if waiting for explanation. His wavelength was vibrating with curiosity. Spirit sighed internally. Ever the scientist, his young meister...

"I just...knew what had to be done. So I did it," he said, even though he wondered at the real answers himself. How had he traversed the depths of that pit of pain and horrors? How had he pulled Stein back, brought the madness into complete submission...beaten back his fears?

Stein was staring at him in some kind of awe, more questions racing behind his eyes. They thrummed against Spirit's wavelength, but the meister left them unasked.

"Can I have some more of that?" Spirit asked, taking the chance in the lull to glance over at the water glass.

Stein stretched his arm over and picked up the glass, bringing it to Spirit with both hands. Spirit was relieved that he continued to hold it, as his own fingers seemed to have lost all their strength, and all four of their hands tilted the glass as he drank greedily.

"Thanks," he said when it was nearly empty, his throat still raw. How much had he screamed when jumping into the fire? He was amazed that no one in the rest of the building had woken up.

As Stein set the glass back down, Spirit lifted one shaking arm up to look at in the dark. It was his arm, t-shirt clad and looking none the worse for wear. But Spirit could feel the faint remnants of the fire across his skin. He still couldn't quite draw a full breath.

"Is that...what it's like in your soul all the time?" he asked tentatively.

The rest of what he would have asked he let hover across their resonance, and Stein glanced down as he considered how to reply.

"Does it...hurt you the way it was me? Are you always in that much pain?" The questions spilled forth as the feeling of fire grew stronger in Spirit's memory. Somehow Stein must have known, and the reciprocating steady assurance that was sent back across his wavelength was a stronger control than Spirit would have thought his partner capable of after everything.

"It's okay," was the answer designed not to really answer. "I'm used to it by now. Sometimes it just..."

Spirit felt the familiar, faint ripplings of fear and he increased their resonance rate, bringing each tiny pulse under his wavelength and gently shattering them, one by one. His meister had experienced more than enough fear for a lifetime.

Stein looked up at him. "How are you doing that?" he asked again, that look of awed bewilderment back on his face.

Spirit was confused. He wasn't doing anything. He was devastated that his meister was in a near-constant state of suffering and that he couldn't stop it, and that it had taken him nearly a year and a nightmare to notice what Stein had guarded so tightly. All he could do was meet each challenge as they came, no matter how big or small, and try to help.

He felt his partner's wavelength respond and accept the control as the fear was erased, settling back into the gentle, lulling melody of resonance. He could feel both of their heartbeats it seemed, like thunder in his ears as he realized finally...it wasn't just the journey through Stein's madness, but the effort to keep his partner stable that was physically exhausting him.

He didn't stop.

Spirit shook his head. "I'm sorry that I didn't notice sooner, and that I...that this is all I can do."

Stein's expression, to Spirit's confusion, was still amazement. And then the young meister yawned involuntarily. Spirit had no idea what time he'd raced into his partner's bedroom in a panic, but a quick glance at his alarm clock showed that it was past one in the morning.

"But you're... No one has... Your soul is so..." Stein couldn't seem to find the words, and Spirit still didn't understand.

"I wish I could...I wish I could just fix it for you," Spirit said with an edge of frustration. "Maybe someone else could. But I don't... I don't have anything special. I'm sorry. My soul is just average."

Stein looked more bewildered than ever. "Average...?"

Spirit set one of his hands atop Stein's forearm. "But I meant what I said. I won't give up on you, Stein. I'm your weapon. And weapons protect their meisters."

"Even to death," he didn't say this time, but it flowed through their resonance and he knew that Stein heard. It wasn't what he focused on, however.

"Average...?" Stein repeated, as if the word was foreign. He yawned again, and Spirit considered only briefly before giving Stein's arm just enough of a tug to shift his balance. The boy responded to the unspoken command and lie down facing Spirit, pulling the second pillow under his head. Spirit rolled to his side and set his hand back on Stein's forearm.

"I know I can't really...be what you need. But we can figure it out together, okay? We were chosen for each other. I'm not going to leave you."

From the core of Stein's soul, a small, scared question threaded its way across their resonance until it was almost all he could hear. But the boy left it unspoken, choosing instead to press his lips together in attempt to stay any outward expression of emotion. But Spirit could see the telltale shine return to his eyes.

"Promise?"

It was so desperate, so uncertain—his meister's hope a mere pinprick of light from the depth of his soul. Spirit slid his hand up to find Stein's again and held on tight.

"I promise," he breathed as exhaustion began to have the final word of the evening. "I'm never leaving you."

His eyes had fallen closed of their own accord, but the sound of Stein's voice pulled them open again.

"Spirit Albarn..." his meister said, looking at him as if seeing him for the very first time and looking through his soul all at once. "How are you real...?"

Spirit didn't know how to answer, so he didn't. But the strength of Stein's wavelength entwining with his told him an answer wasn't needed. Their rising resonance was a blessed relief in the face of his exhaustion, and Spirit let all control fall again. This time, he felt the familiar, expected strength as he let Stein's soul overwhelm his. But it wasn't crushing nor diminishing. Stein's soul simply took his in, wrapping him up and keeping him safe.

His eyes had already closed again.

"You have...the most incredible soul I've ever seen..." Stein murmured into the dark between them.

Spirit wanted to protest that, but he suddenly remembered something. Gathering enough energy to speak took effort, his body rapidly surrendering to the exertion he'd taken on that night, especially with his meister's wavelength there now to sustain him.

"You didn't...answer my question," he said, keeping his eyes closed. He decided he didn't want to see the look on Stein's face when he asked again.

"What?"

"You didn't say... Do you really want to hurt me?"

A powerful shudder from Stein's wavelength caused him to recoil, but it was gone almost instantly, the boisterous frequency calming again to hold his head above water.

"No," came Stein's answer, resolute. "I don't."

Spirit wanted to respond, but the words wouldn't come. He was simply too tired, his eyelids heavy and his entire body screaming with relief as he let himself sink into the softness of the bed.

Behind the dark of his eyes his vision swam, with fire and water and flashes of red, and occasional frightening scenes that made his breath catch. Each time he saw one he pressed his wavelength more strongly into Stein's to keep the madness at bay. Or was it simply his memory of the journey?

He felt his partner's grateful response each time however along with the resounding strength that was given in return, slowly restoring his worn body and exhausted soul.

It had been almost a full year. And Spirit felt he knew the reserved boy pretty well. But it was clear now that he had a lot more to learn. At least, the one thing he knew for certain was his meister was with him. The strength of their resonance proved it... Neither of them was going anywhere.

"Spirit?" he heard his partner's voice come softly, somewhere out of the dark. Stein's fingers fidgeted slightly against his own.

"Hmm..." was the only reply he was capable of. The fire and flood were just a memory now, the darkness behind his eyes only occasionally broken by a flash of red. In their place was blinding brilliance, and he soared into it on the wings of their resonance's song, giving himself to its welcoming peace—the peace he and his meister had found together.

He sank deeper into the mattress, deeper into Stein's soul, letting sleep claim him at last. It was time for that terror-filled night to end. They could work on everything with the new day.

And then, a whisper... A faint ripple of guilt across his wavelength.

"What if I already did?"

Spirit tightened his fingers over Stein's. He pretended he hadn't heard.

A/N: So this was stress-relief writing while I coped with something, but it was inspired by a couple of very specific things. First, by this incredible art by the equally incredible wispforever whose Tumblr is full of lovely, funny, and inspiring Spirit & Stein pieces, and whose Spirit & Stein fics on AO3 are absolutely incomparable. (@wispforever your brilliance is a never-ending source of joy and inspiration for me, sorry not sorry for always telling you lol.) Second inspiration was the song "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden which honestly could fit any meister and weapon?? It really could. But. I'm obsessed with the song, and it's my young Spirit and Stein anthem. And it's this entire story. It's just...how I see them as a pair. So yeah, there you have it. Also I snuck in a canon quote; Spirit quoted Maka from near the beginning of episode 45. I'm not telling which line, lol. You figure it out. It was just really fun to have him do that, you know? I think they have a lot more in common than we get to see really... And, if anyone cares... Spirit and Stein slept through the morning and when they never showed up for class, Azusa broke in and found them asleep and started scolding them. Spirit basically told her to buzz off and went back to sleep, lol. Stein lingered till he got too antsy and then went to abuse a frog with his scalpel. Anyway...think I'll take this story as part of my headcanon. Hope you enjoyed!

[tom-bones]

hiya. sorry to bring this to you, but apparently that's where the discourse is happening.

i'm M, i hate social media and i've known Nosferatu for roughly 15 years now. IRL. and i made a blog/profile/account/whatever it's called because the amount of dumbass propaganda being spread about them is fucking ridiculous.

they are severely traumatized, suicidal, have a terrible view of themself because of mental and emotional abuse they've endured for years. and they have multiple fucking personality disorders without a way to get to a professional because their mom can't afford it and their dad is a neglectful asshole who couldn't keep it in his pants and decided to abandon them at age 4, doing only the bare fucking minimum since. and trying to get out of even that however he can. their parents flicker between loving and self-centered to the point where they can't fucking talk to them without their anxiety spiking up.

we've grown up together. i know and trust them with my life. they were the one fighting my homophobic grandmother when i came out. they've been my anchor for years before my family had to move abroad for unrelated reasons, which only let us get on calls and text. i've seen them at some really serious fucking lows. and they are hitting one of those right now because some assholes never bothered to communicate with them and blamed them for everything wrong that happened to them on this fucking website. and because you idiots never bothered to actually ask or talk to them, choosing to believe said assholes.

calling them manipulative is absolutely ridiculous. i've been on call with them multiple times, trying to talk them out of hurting themself while they were screaming and crying. i've got a text from their mom, in a rare "loving mommy" moment at 2 AM last night about how they tried to fucking skin their forearm to get rid of their ghost tattoo. a tattoo that they were so excited about, it was like seeing them healed for the first few days after they got it. but you claim it's "suicide baiting" because they didn't fucking succeed? because they were fucking stopped?

there was one person Nosferatu ever manipulated. a teacher in their high school, who mentally abused his students. despite being one of the favorite students, they put themself against him and then managed to make it look like he was being overly dramatic, making him leave the students alone until they finished school. they only time they ever manipulated anyone, all to defend their classmates. but you idiots would rather believe jackasses who never bothered to try and reach out? seriously?

they're autistic and poorly socialized. they're social awareness sucks, especially with strangers. what they saw as "bullying" was just friendly banter to Nosferatu. and none of them ever bothered to message them and fucking say they feel off. they need to be called out, yes, but not like this. simply informing them that they sound mean to them would solve the fucking situation. but no, it's easier to make a big exit post and claim they abused them and manipulated the rest of the group (who can think for themselves, btw) because it fits your narrative, doesn't it? you people will jump at any opportunity to bully someone, and then when they manage to get pulled back from almost ending it all, you claim they're baiting. and when they try to explain themself, not fucking knowing what exactly they're accused of, you call them a fucking narcissist? for a completely reasonable reaction?

and you know what they did after they found out why you all suddenly started spamming them death threats? reached out to the other group in an attempt to explain the situation. and they did so via discord group chat that i watched through a shared screen, trying to calm them down. and guess what, assholes. they apologized, owned up to everything and explained themself to them. and in return, they got acknowledgement, but nothing else. no apologies for painting them to be this evil mastermind, no clarification, nothing. so i'll throw an accusation of my own and say that they actually wanted Nosferatu to suffer. all because they were too bitchy to communicate, and Nosferatu wasn't. they reached out to them, because suddenly after months of not interacting, suddenly people were accusing them of being abusive and making people quit.

i'll throw in another accusation, actually. in the group chat, they claimed they're not quitting because of Nosferatu, but rather the backlash they were getting from anons. but they failed to mention that in the post, just to make sure Nosferatu ended up looking like a monster who ruined everything for them. they wanted you to hate Nosferatu, all because they got the wrong impression and never bothered with talking to them.

Nosferatu is absolutely fucking harmless unless they have an actual reason to be an asshole. they act terrible to people who hurt their friends, such as when you idiot anons starting shit with the Sister Rose person. they do so because it's the only defense mechanism that works with their family and their own abusers. they do it whenever they break down mentally. they push people away. they act terrible to make sure nobody can hurt them at their moment of weakness.

they had to turn off the ask function completely. they had to back out of roleplay. they're scared of talking to anyone because there's a risk you fucking idiots will go out of your way to abuse the person they spoke to or you'll start spreading more lies like you did here. i'm not going to tolerate shit like this about the person who already struggles with their mental state and emotions and who is only finally getting the help they need because they earn their own money through a summer job. that they have to work for 12 hours a day.

go fuck yourselves, all of you. you lead to Nosferatu almost ruining all their relationships out of fear. you made them want to skin themself, and if it wasn't for their mother, they'd be in the hospital because of all of you now. if not dead. you've ruined a hobby, a passion and a fandom they loved so dearly. you made them despise their special interest, because you've made them feel unwelcome. and why? because the people you've been fighting for decided to manipulate you and make Nosferatu look fucking evil.

funny how you all defend actually manipulative people by calling someone who barely interacted with them a manipulative narcissist. if you ever actually spoke to them, you'd know they're not a monster you all seem to want them to be. they're scared. defensive. because they're getting a bunch of fucking accusations out of nowhere, with everyone expecting them to know what happened when they have no fucking clue.

fortunately, i'm gonna be able to come to visit them relatively soon and you bet your sorry asses i will get them to roleplay again. because it made them happy. they would go on about new storylines and how excited they were. i'm not gonna let you take my friend's happiness away like this again, all because you clearly don't have functioning brains and can't think for yourselves.

you're all abusers. you're all bullies. and the fact that you just believed those people without using your abilities of critical thinking is fucking unbelievable. people like you are why i avoid social media. a bunch of brainless assholes, jumping at an opportunity to be pieces of shit to people just because.

PS: learn how to tell apart a fucking character from a real person. they literally stopped using a name and assigned it to their roleplay character just to avoid confusion, and yet you morons still can't tell it apart.

// please read with caution. i won’t add much commentary, but i feel this post is very important to share so people, especially the anon haters, can get a clearer picture of what’s been happening in both nosferatu’s life and the rp community in the ghost fandom. tobias would be appalled by all this. the people who sent nosferatu death threats should be ashamed. you guys claim she’s evil when in reality you guys are acting like fucking jerks toward them. anyways, this post explains itself pretty well. the anon haters need to get a fucking life.

[cherrrysue]

hey do you have any fics where larry is in an established relationship but they’re keeping it secret for one reason or another ???

yesss here u go

Secret Relationship

the first one contained heavy amount of smut read at your own risk

We Keep Taking Turns by Ropewithnoanchor

E, 69K

The start of the On The Road Again Tour means new anxieties, this time for both Louis and Harry. Between performances, traveling, interviews, family time, and the biggest crisis their band has ever faced, they have to help each other feel better the only way they know how—through domination and submission.

[A relatively canon-compliant story of nights in hotels and bedrooms, starting in February 2015.]

Hands Clasped Tight by afirethatcannotdie

E, 44K

“What am I looking at here?” Harry asks.

“This, my friends, is a ‘proof’ Instagram account, run by your students,” Liam announces.

“It’s got all this stuff about how the two of you are together,” Niall adds.

“I heard about that,” says one of the math teachers. “Confiscated a kid’s phone today when they were looking at it. I have to say, the evidence that you’re dating is pretty damning.”

“Really,” Louis says dryly. “Do you think being married for three years might have something to do with it?”

Or the one where Harry and Louis are high school teachers and their students have been playing matchmaker for over a year. Little do they know, Harry and Louis are already married.

If You Asked Me If I Love Him (I'd Lie) by allyasavedtheday

M, 26K

So Harry and Louis might have fucked up.

The day of their wedding was the single most perfect moment of Louis’ life and every single day since where he’s been able to call Harry his husband has been nothing short of bliss. There’s just one teeny, tiny problem…

Their families don’t know they’re married.

*

Or the one where Harry and Louis eloped but neglected to mention it to anyone. Meanwhile Lottie is getting married and the only way for them to not steal her thunder is by pretending they're just friends for the weekend. Featuring Harry and Louis as terrible liars who don't know the meaning of the word platonic and some Tomlinsons and Styles's who definitely don't believe them.

Into The Midnight Sun by summerwine

E, 63K

Every day without Louis was a never ending blue Monday. Every day went without his sweetness and warmth and the radiant colours of his flame. The tenor of his voice became unfamiliar and muddled between going so long without the sound of it and getting lost with every other voice clouding Harry’s memory.

But he was here now, warming Harry’s bones with lips like summer. Every moment in his arms felt like a Sunday stroll through London. Beautiful and stormy and feeling every bit like home.

or, It's 1983, Harry embarks on his first world tour and Louis is a budding actor in LA. Life spent apart isn't easily adjustable, but somehow they make it work.

Call Answered by vondrostes

E, 249K

The day after his 27th birthday, Harry Styles attempts suicide. Louis is flown to his bedside to unravel the mystery of why he did it after a flash drive is found with a note attached, addressed to Louis. On it are a collection of 78 songs, all written for different dates from their past.

You Watched Me Sink by bananasandboots

E, 38K

They've discussed it a few times - the boyfriend thing. It's not like it's some forbidden, horrific, abandon hope all ye who talk about furthering the relationship sort of subject. They're mature adults. They're in tune with their feelings, their hearts' desires, the way those butterflies swoop in their bellies whenever they so much as hold each other's hands. They like each other. A lot. It's mutual, they know. But for now, they're just content to enjoy the simplicity of what they have, and what they have is great.

When dating in secret stops being enough, then they'll discuss that too.

Or, the one where Harry teaches Sex Ed and sneaks around with the drama teacher, and doesn't realize how out of tune he is with his true feelings until everyone else figures it out for him.

Lover Boy by brightgolden

E, 27k

“I’d love to meet your lover boy one day,” Lottie says suddenly as she pours Louis a whiskey on the rocks after their dinner. OR Where Louis wants to tell everyone about his relationship with Harry, but his boyfriend clearly thinks otherwise.

please leave a like or reblog ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

[k0ri0]

Umm.. M- May elaborate this HC in here? I'd like to explain a bit more why both of them are still on school while being a fucking Disaster over there, and the school hasn't expelled them yet. Like, they can cheat and study, but they can't predict the surprise exams and what subjects will it be. Or what sub subjects will be used for it.

Like, let's put it this way. They're both geniuses. They don't need to study further than read their notes from the class 'cause they'll remember what they have seen on class, yet when they weren't in class, due to some mid day mission, being sick, or smth, they'll just ask for a few pics of the class in specific parts and they'll just do a quick research to be at day and not delayed. Most of the work is Leon's because 'Tello wants to keep on his projects. And Leon doesn't deny it because he both, love to be with his twin, and can use it for favors or early privileges (HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!).

Now, as for why the school haven't expelled them yet. Like, yeah, they're smart, they can keep on track on they grades when it's scheduled, and that helps them when they're on detention, but, what about surprise exams grades? If they fail those, they can be expelled for problematic and chaotic behaviors, bad grades, and public damage (like the explosion on the post I commented). But school can't add the grades one because, these fuckers won't fail for a single point.

Their lowest grade on those exams is of a damn B+++, and their highest is A+++.

They don't need to study much more than a few glasses, and not only that, Leon makes sure that at least twice at month they BOTH give it a quick look at their notes and books to be sure there's nothing missing. And from those quick check, two days later there's a surprise exam with a lot of tricky questions. So, 'Tello always looks at Leon with: *How the fuck did you know?!* Eyes before starting the exams, as Leon just responses with a: "I told you so~" glare.

Their teachers hate that. Specially Story Teacher. Both of the Twins are slept on his class, and when he asks something out of the daily summaries, they answer: "Tricky, we haven't got that far yet, and even so, that wasn't even a possibility back then due to..." and such.

Anyway, sorry for this long ask, I just wanted to take it out of my system. Bye.

No no these bring me such joy 😭, I do rlly like the idea that the school wants to kick them out on the premise of bad grades but just fucking CANT, the mfs won't let it happen

Though I do think that the only reason they wouldn't of expelled them for those OTHER reasons (property damage, bad behaviour etc.) is because they literally can't find evidence, big explosion? What a coincidence the camera has no footage from that time! A fight?? Weird only the students say it happened (he blackmails all the teachers) He just has a bunch of fail-safes everywhere and they can never catch him up on it

And i also think if mikey/raph came to school as well the teachers would see that last name and weep (they have ptsd from the twins)

[thevibraniumveterans]

STAR WARS — The Acolyte

EP 2 — Revenge / Justice

MAIN THOUGHTS:

Another great episode

More conflicting feelings

Great action in unarmed combat

(Spoilers in my notes below)

- On the planet of Olega is a local Jedi Temple.

- Mae pays that Temple a visit, and greets Master Torbin. How does she know him? Unless she was also once a Jedi, who was turned.

- She greets him the exact same way she greeted Indara, and issues a challenge. She charges, but is repelled by an invisible Force-field, pun intended. Torbin does not budge. Mae tries using her daggers, but does not succeed either.

- A Jedi Master enters the room upon news of a break-in, but leaves after seeing nothing.

- TITLE CARD!

- On the Jedi’s ship, Osha wakes to see Jecki troubleshooting the machine, and offers advice, The issue is resolved, and Sol walks in.

- Yord is still unconvinced that Osha did not kill Indara, but thinks that Osha and Mae might be in cahoots simply because they are twins. Sol reminds him to not let fear cloud his judgement.

- Sol comms Vern, who is “inclined to agree” that Osha did not kill Indara but that Mae did. Vern adds that someone looking like Osha (again, could be Mae, but we know it is) broke into a Jedi Temple. And it could NOT have been Osha because Osha has been in custody of Sol, Jecki, and Yord, all of whom have been watching over Osha. Vern points this out in fewer words, leaving only one suspect. Sol is given permission to take Osha to investigate this break-in.

- Yord calls Osha a “prisoner” but Sol refers to her by name. That’s telling of how differently they view the same person.

- On Olega. Mae walks through the town square, a market of sorts. She hardly stands out, and that’s maybe the point.

- She arrives in a shop and asks for Qimir (pronounced kai-meer). He is asleep in a corner, so she wakes him up and requests he make a poison for her. She says she has three more Jedi to kill, Torbin being the first of those three.

- Qimir states, “The Jedi justify their galactic dominance in the name of peace.” (One could clearly see this statement through a political lens, if they so chose to.)

- Back on the Jedi’s ship, Osha tries to sync her PIP droid with the ship, and Sol asks about her tattoo, then gets to the point, asking, “Do you believe that Mae is behind India’s murder?” Osha responds with the affirmative, because through deductive reasoning (Mae is Osha’s twin, and Osha could NOT have been anywhere near where Mae was when Indara was slain), that was “the only way to explain” this mystery. Osha does not know how Mae survived, also having last thought her dead.

- Ever humble, Sol still carries some guilt, telling Osha, “Perhaps I wasn’t a very good teacher.”

- They arrive on Olega, and is greeted by a Jedi Master.

- Sol wishes to speak to Torbin, who is revealed to have taken a vow of silence. Unfortunately for Torbin, Mae is in the room with him. Looks like Torbin knows Mae, and states that he has “been waiting” for her.

- A vision of young Mae distracts Osha and leads her away from the route Sol, Jecki, and Yord take to Torbin’s chambers. Is this vision one of Mae’s powers?

- Osha arrives in Torbin’s chambers and sees him collapsed on the floor. The Jedi Master finds Osha crouching over Torbin’s body, and accuses her or murder; Yord, surprisingly, defends Osha and says she did not do it, as he “followed her when she broke off” from the group.

- Osha describes the poison a tool in hunting that she and her sister Mae were taught to use. She is instructed to go interrogate Qimir, due to her likeness to Mae. Sol, Jecki, and Yord are to keep watch.

- Osha obtains a long scarf to partially make herself look like Mae and trick the unsuspecting Qimir. Osha didn’t even have to say much, and let Qimir reveal his secrets. Yord, Jecki, and Sol corner Qimir, who reveals that Mae will be back the same evening. Yord is to “secure the perimeter” for this reason. But perhaps this would mean that he, Sol, Jecki, and Osha are in a trap, since Mae needs to kill 4 Jedi, and there are 4 Jedi in the room.

- Sol commands Jecki to return to the ship, and Osha to follow him.

- Nightfall on Olega. Yord thinks it’s a trap; it may well be, he doesn’t like the vibes the situation is giving him.

- Sol speaks to Osha. She wants to confront Mae, but Sol, still harboring grief over not being able to save both Osha and Mae, strongly advises Osha against revenge.

- Osha names the 4 Jedi that Mae wants dead — Indara (dead), Torbin (also dead), Kelnacca (we don’t see him yet), and Sol. Osha is not on that list.

- Mae is spotted by Yord and intercepted by Sol. Mae attacks Sol empty-handed; Sol questions the reasoning for this. All of his moves are thus far defensive and deflective, using minimum energy as opposed to Mae, charged up and on the offense.

- She is momentarily bested, and Sol reveals that he has taken her daggers. They clash again, and Mae ends up lying parallel to the ground, suspended in midair by Sol.

- Sol notes that Mae doesn’t even know who her Master is, but that she has one. Mae believes that Osha is dead, but Sol and Yord disagree.

- Jecki, onboard the ship, commands Mae to surrender, but Mae uses the Force to kick up a dust cloud and escape.

- Osha walks through the corridors of the Temple, while Mae tries to flee. She can’t, and sees Osha pointing a blaster at her.

- Osha pulls the trigger but misses, twice. Understandable, there’s no way she could have stunned her sister, and could have made things worse if so. If Osha had successfully stunned Mae, Mae would never forgive her twin. There might not have been bad blood between the sisters, given that Mae has a nickname for her twin, “Oshie”. Osha does not want to make this any worse than it has to be. It may read as Osha allowing Mae’s escape, but this might not be intentional.

- Next morning, Mae confronts Qimir. She uses the slang “hell”, which may have been only mentioned once or twice in the Original Trilogy by Han Solo.

- On Khofar, two scavengers look for parts, and are accosted by Kelnacca.

[maeattemptsateverything]

Arrest

Émile was running, leaving others teachers in awe and a mess of still ungraded essays in his wake. The headmistress would yell at him later but it didn't matter; he would never have left his job if whatever was happening wasn't important. He ran as fast as he could when he saw the troop’s movement.

The only thing in his mind was the Angel.

He still was too slow, when he saw that the heavy forces had already broken down his front door. The neighbors were already peeping through their windows; surely one of them called. His front yard was a mess, nobody minded to have kicked mud and pebbles into his living room.

The bathroom had the cabinets wide open, his medication on the floor while both the kitchen and his bedroom were being ransacked by armed soldiers. Émile was trying and failing to rescue his mother's delicate china and the clothes his sister chose for him.

The soldiers didn't seem to be getting anywhere near the bookshelf; a hidden entrance his father built long ago. A great relief but a useless one. His breathing was almost erratic and that was not helping his case.

"Could you be the owner of this house?" Asked a blond man standing in the middle of the living room, the Captain, with a smirk on his face but a bored look in his eyes.

“What is this? Are you a policeman?” Asked Émile, the same tone when some student causes mayhem on the back seats.

“I do the questions here, mister” The Captain keept a nonchalant attitude but was clearly tired, not wanting to spend more than necessary with yet another civilian.

“You need a permit to enter a person's house; otherwise it is a crime of trespass” the man let out a surprised chuckle, but quickly fell back to composure.

“Aren't you a funny one? But I suggest you mind your tone”

A small noise came from the basement; the boxes falling. His angel friend tends to knock off things with their antlers, especially if they can't calculate the space when they move. If someone checks the bookshelf…

"What do you want?" Émile feigned annoyance, shielding his rising anxiety with anger.

"Nothing much, just want to check around"

"Well you already did! And destroyed my stuff in the process. So. Get. Out!”

“Sorry mister, but I'm the authority here. Most neighbors had reported suspicious activities coming from your domicile” The living room started to fill with soldiers, at least twenty. Émile tried his best to hide his dread "So if you can be so kind to tell us if you are a thief or a drug manufacturer...”

“That’s bullshit you are talking about! I'm literally a middle school teacher, I couldn't be dangerous if I wanted to!”

“Do you also use that language in front of your students?” Laughed one of the soldiers, the rest followed like hyenas.

“I´m sorry, you seem like such a weak opponent that it's usually one of those two options.” he was not going to lose his temper to people that were a head taller than him.

Émile bit his lower lip, trying to not get paralyzed “You already checked and found nothing”

“Why does your bookshelf have hinges?” he froze in his place, watching how the soldiers inspected the hidden entrance.

And finally went down the basement.

“Wait! You can't go down there!” He tried to reason with the captain, grabbing his armor to slow down his pace.

Only for the captain to slam his head against the ceramic floor. Émile was so astounded by the sharp pain in his temple he almost didn't register the taste of his own blood in his mouth.

“‐nestly”

“W- at?” The captain's voice was deafening, but almost drowned by the high pitch whistle at the same time. He was breathless.

“Answer honestly now” the Captain looked bigger, even if he could only see him over his shoulder by the tail of his eye. The other thing he saw was his left elbow held over the captain's knee. One wrong move and it was going to be bent backwards.

“that may save you from future problems”

“"I ca- I can't” I can't breath

“You are talking, you are fine”

The whole weight of the captain was over him, feeling his own ribs threatening to break and puncture his lungs. He was not fine, he was feeling lightheaded and needed to run away. The noise coming from the basement was growing louder in his ears, screams; his eyes burned and itched, and could not make out the blurred figures that hurried back.

Émile's eyes were frozen on the single soldier that cried while climbing up the stairs. She was all confident when her troop invaded his home, not expecting to find a treath. But she collapsed right in front of him. Her helmet was torn to shreds, the sight of her milky white skull against the bloodied tissue of her eye. Multiple slashes and holes ran through her face; wounds that were fast, angry, desperate.

Scared.

“What. are. you. hiding?”

The commanding yet terrified tone of the Captain above him was a stark contrast.

The house was suddenly silent, the soldiers no longer approaching the basement. Instead they formed a defense around their captain, weapons pointed steadily and fully charged. Émile could only see its boots. Émile already knew what was coming when the creature emerged from the dark. The captain stood at the sight of the antlers and drew out a rifle, pointing at the open mouth.

These creatures are naturally meek, Émile knew this. So the sight was enough to make him crawl away to a corner and hide, instead he was frozen in place when faced with the Angel. Its pose was akin to a claim of surrender; hiding its wings making itself seem smaller, eyes wide open. It was scared, repent; He knew it was not going to attack again.

Maybe the only reason the soldiers were able to empty their cartridges.

An ear-shattering yell reverberated through the room. The Angel was taken down, crawling towards him with a body pierced entirely. It cried in pain still, sounding primal and anguished. Émile was always successful in calming it down, soft touches in its hair while humming calm reassurances.

Now Émile could only watch his friend suffer while himself was paralyzed; not even able to move his face.

“Don't let that thing move an inch! Cut the feathers, tie its hands, I don't care! Just wait for reinforcement and call the director! Don´t kill it yet!” the Captain was shouting, the only sound anchoring him to reality.

“And this one-” he was at the verge of panic; the Captain last order only tipped his balance.

“Throw this bastard in the truck”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you hide a feral creature that is at war with humanity in your basement and expect no consequences?

[sentientgopro]

My parents are currently trying to figure out a way for me to not have to share a bedroom with my brother, to the extent of considering a room in the garden. I said its probably just not worth it, Ive managed living in the room with him for many years, Im sure I can make do for another year and a half, and she said to me "You can't just put your life on hold like that for a year and a half until you move out". And she has no clue that had an entirely different meaning to me.

Yes, I DO have to put my life on hold until I move out, in a much more severe and damaging way than she realises, because of her transphobic ass.

But regardless of the twat saying it and the irrelevant context, I've been dwelling on those words. Its already getting kinda difficult a month into cracking doing nothing. Ive still got about another 20 to go before I even START transitioning and thats far from an instant problem fix, isn't it.

And I already wanted to think more in detail about how it will go when they inevitably find out, but this has presented a nice opportunity to think about it a bit more. My Dad will be absolutely pissed, plain and simple, to the extent that I'd have to make sure he finds out from a long distance for my own safety. He's gotten very aggressive over alot less. My mother, on the other hand, is a much more complex question.

She's the only one I've really ever talked to about issues (particularly issues relating to Dad, as well as mental issues), shes a psychologist so she kinda has a bit of idea what shes talking about. and she has said, on many occasions, that she thinks I'm very emotionally intelligent. She thinks I know myself very well. So if I told her about something I know she fundamentally disagrees with, will she just forget all that?

The thing is, she's been locked into conservative beliefs, but she can be reasoned with. One example was of a general discussion over the existance of gender dysphoria and validity of trans people, and I convinced her that gender dysphoria is real, there are scientific explanations behind why trans people feel the way they do. And she cannot find an argument against me so she resorts to "Okay, people like that exist, but I think most just do it because they think its trendy" cool, an entirely unmeasurable, impossible to back up claim that I cant even outright disprove so it pretty much ends up as her being right because she just knows better apparently. But, up to outright convincing her to change her beliefs, she can be reasoned with.

And besides, if Im so emotionally intelligent, surely I should belong to the group of people who aren't faking it, by her logic?

Honestly, if she was just outright never going to accept me like him, itd be easier. But the fact that theres a genuine question here makes it so difficult. Like, her helping cover for me and keep it a secret from my Dad and Brother while I start HRT is a genuine, possible outcome. Its also very unlikely.

But, if I could convince her Im not making it up, which should work in theory, and if she holds the belief that I can't just put my life on hold, its a forseeable outcome. And I don't know how I feel about that.

(Short bit of context for the next bit) One of my Sixth Form teachers has gotten extremely ill, we don't know the details but basically, hes disappearing for a while and we dont know if hes ever coming back. He is the ONLY member of staff in the school capable of teaching the subject. So, my mother arranged a meeting with the head to ask what happens next, and raised concerns over my education. In return, the head tried to ignore it by pinning it on me, saying I'm struggling already, and basically turn it around on me as if our only teacher isnt disappearing.

So I tried defending myself in a few ways, one of them being, since the last round of tests, Ive been feeling like, ALOT better, better motivated, to an extent that is affecting me on a day to day basis and making it easier to get work done, so there should be a massive improvement since my last tests. So after the meeting, naturally, my mother wanted to know what it was exactly that changed, and I realised I fucked up. The thing that changed was realising I was trans and realising that, eventually, I could be happy, and I have something to look forward to and work towards. So now shes gonna keep asking and wanting to talk about what it was. She keeps asking to go on a walk and talk about it.

And it keeps making me imagine, far into the walk, after she keeps poking and prodding, just going, "Fuck it, leap of faith". Because the more I dont tell her, the more suspicious shes probably gonna become.

idk, theres no real end point to this. This is more of a vent than figuring out my feelings. Supportive relatives are great, unsupportive relatives suck, but questionable relatives are fucking anxiety provoking. This is nothing new Im discovering here, really, this is a trans experience thats older than time itself. But I've never been a big risk taker, so Ill probably just take the long route and make sure they find out as late as possible.

[aromanticle]

i just got out of the shower and i have some thoughts to share about something that happened a few days ago

i went, with my sister, to see a psychiatrist. i didnt really want to do that cause deep down i just know that nothing a third party could ever do would truly help me in any way and the only person who can change the way i do things is myself, but that brief period i had with her actually did open my eyes. just not in a good way.

no one irl knows this but i actually have talked to a therapist online for a few months though one of those mental health related apps, a few times for free and i paid two dollars twice which actually ends up being not so cheap for me lol but i stopped because of something that was said to me. the person i talked to seemed to actually pay attention to what i said and she'd always tell me that the main problem i have in life in executive dysfunction which is very accurate. i dont actually know if the people the app provides are licensed or not and idk how trustworthy this all is but i actually feel like i had a positive experience with it for the most part. of course theres not much one can do when i only call them to talk about things that frustrate me and things i wish i could change about myself once every two weeks but at least i felt like there was someone out there who actually understands what i have to say.

my sister and i sat in front of a psychiatrist and told her we wish our mother actually gave a shit about us and did something to help her children have a better life instead of spending the day on her phone and guess what she said? "you cant change her, deal with it"

we were just around 10 minutes into our time together and my sister brought up concerns she had about me and she basically dismissed it completely, saying "but you dont have this trait" that someone would only know if they actually knew me when she had barely even talked to me at all. i always felt like i struggle with certain things that she said i have no problem with when she simply does not know me even a little bit at all. she just heard a couple things about me and assumed i am someone im not.

i said "i actually went back to school because i wanted to avoid trouble with my mom, not because i wanted to" and what she heard was "i loved going back to school". i said i used to want to be a literature professor and what she heard is "i like reading". my sister said i go to sleep too late (which is only partially correct) and she said "ok, i'll give you this so you can sleep"

i told her i gave up on the idea of being a teacher when i was 15 because i know how hard it would be to get there and thats not even what i want to do and she said "well this is a generation thing" like the reason i didn't pursue a goal i knew would lead me nowhere is because im a tiktok brained little gen z child that doesnt want to put effort into things that take time ???????? my dream is to star in a musical, i just dont have the means to do that. i know i dont. im never gonna have what i truly want so i can only chase after these smaller little things i could feasibly do but they dont last long. i know i'll never be happy as a teacher, not even as a literature professor, that's why im not gonna even try. i know this is gonna take years and im not even gonna be satisfied when i get there. im not gonna waste my time and money doing something i only kind of wanted to do, i shouldnt even have brought that up but we were talking about teaching and jobs and i thought it was appropriate to mention i once wanted to teach. not anymore.

i said i changed schools a lot. i liked the first school i went to, but my mom put me in a public school in third grade because well. it doesn't cost anything. but i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it. my mom then put me in a different school. i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it, but i knew if i said that to my mom she'd get mad. when i was in seventh grade my mom "threatened" to take me out of the school because of my grades and because i put no effort into my studies at all (because i hated going to school) so she put me back into a different school. i didnt like going there because i couldn't get used to it but i knew there was nowhere else for me to go. then i finally got to actually choose which school i was going to when i changed schools for the last time for high school. i went with a friend, so i assumed it would be easier. i hated going there. it was only at the end of my third year there that i thought "actually, i like this school. i wish i didnt change schools in third grade and stayed right here". and the psychiatrist said "you changed schools a lot so you clearly don't have a problem adapting to new environments". #girl you have talked to me for a grand total of 7 minutes.

i'm supposed to go back there and talk to her again in less than 30 days now and i am dreading the day i have to open my mouth and say a word to that woman again. i'd rather have my sister go alone or my mom or someone else and talk about me, i think i would be more helpful than if i go there and try to explain myself just for her to misunderstand everything i have to say.

[twilightmalachite]

Poltergeist - Neverland of Grudges 4

Author: Akira

Characters: Madara

Translator: Mika Enstars

Proofreader: Revoltrad

"I wondeeeer… Maybe you guys have gotten rid of the nursery teachers by imitating poltergeists like that—"

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Winter

Location: Maizuru House (Exterior)

Madara: Gooood morniiiiing! ☆

Hahaha! Flustered, aren’t you! When your nursery teacher greets you, you greet them back properly! Are you shyyyy? How cuuuuuuute!

By the way, the character you use to write the “modoro” in “flustered” is the same character used in my name, Madaraaa! You learnt something neeeew!

Now that I’ve given you some knowledge, perhaps you give me some back—

Madara: Whooah!?

Naïve! You threw another vase at me! An idiot masters only one skill![1]

How’s thaaat, maybe you can learn even more proverbs by talking to me! Hahahahaha! ☆

Oh, wow!? So your next strategy is to make eerie sounds while shaking the ground and waaalls?! It’s true, human beings are physiologically frightened of loud noises!

I have a feeling the reason people don’t like me is because I have a loud voice! Can’t think of any other reason! Hahaha! ☆

I wondeeeer… Maybe you guys have gotten rid of the nursery teachers by imitating poltergeists like that—

But it won’t work on meee! What a pityyyy!

Now, now, what’s wrong? What’s next? Show me your skills! Entertain me some more! You’re not making the program very exciting, you knooow!

Madara: (…Hm. Should I be provoking them this much?)

(This is the territory of the Kaijuu Group—the six most dangerous boys here in this facility. Apparently even the real nursery teachers don’t go near this area.)

(They’ve completely renovated the place and turned it into a secret base to repel enemies.)

(It’s filled with carefully prepared traps and weapons! How fuuun!)

(I avoided most of those traps yesterday and instead took the shortest route today to quickly corner the Kaijuu Group children… and I’ve captured them.)

(But, that wasn’t enooough. I get iiit. I’m the same kind of creature as you guys, I know exactly what it’s like to be a little brat.)

(If I am to have a proper conversation with these Kaijuu Group children, they need to understand they have no chance of winning against me—that I am someone they cannot oppose.)

(Who’s the leader of the pack here?)

(It’s necessary to engrave that realization into them using fear.)

(To do that, I need to crush all these predictable traps and attacks that these Kaijuu Group kids prepared with a smile on my face.)

(Caaan’t use direct violence… But it’s necessary to make them understand that no matter what they do, they cannot win against Mikejima Madara!)

(The reason Mikejima Madara cannot be beaten isn’t because they are children and I am an adult. They can’t win against me because I am Mikejima Madara—)

(And no matter how hard they work to improve themselves going forward, they’ll never be able to win against me.)

(I need to break their hearts and have them understand that.)

(Children have dreams.)

(The sense of omnipotence that children hold will allow them to believe they’ll become an incredible prodigy, or the strongest hero, or one of the bravest in the future.)

(Comics, TV shows, games, and the many other things aimed towards children create this illusion—It plants a dream within them.)

Madara: (But, today, I’ll be trampling that dream.)

(Because you are insignificant and small, and will always, always will be. Because turning the tables with a single hit and making it big in this world is impossible—)

(Because you are weak, stupid, and are of no interest to the majority of mankind. Because you’re nothing but a mob in the narrative of reality.)

(I’ll teach you that, children.)

(The nursery teacher Mikejima Madara-sensei will courteously have you understand this!)

(Once you do, then you’ll appreciate and understand why I’m taking time out of my day to do all this for you.)

♪~♪~♪

(Hahaha, they’re using a hand-made weapon to shoot marbles at me now, huuuh! Soooo cute. …Well, the lethal power the weapon has isn’t.)

(Launching stones and other objects with a slingshot is no laughing matter. It’s an attack that could seriously injure or even kill someooone!)

(Are we sure this facility isn’t for training guerilla warriors instead of idooools? The quality of these lil’ tools and traps is quite impressiiive!)

Madara: (Buuut, it’s a problem if these children get the impression that these types of “attacks” are effective.)

(Children who have recognized the practicality of violence will continue to use it as they grow up. I was the same way too, I understand from experience.)

(We end up with a bully, or a gangster-like criminal.)

(I’ll stop you guys before you become like that.)

(I’ll break and crush you with more hostility than you are currently capable of holding.)

(Hahaha! In no way at all is this the job of either a nursery teacher or a teacher, huuuh! My apologies for making you put up with me![1])

[ ☆ ]

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The original phrase here used is “osomatsu” (お粗末), which literally means just “lousy” or “poor”. It’s a phrase to show humility before ending one’s show and/or passing off the show to someone else; utilizing kenjougo, a way of showing politeness through self-mockery. Madara uses it (more often throughout !-era) both at the end of his performances and as a way to show he is done fooling around. You might see it translated in other translations as “thank you for watching”, or “the end”—but the self-mockery of the phrase is important here.

[rawtruth-dare]

My Past Could Help Your Future

I am starting to blog and shit do I have a lot to say. If my life and mistakes can change one persons life or help one soul then I’m doing what the universe is pushing me towards. I am a great person and have just had terrible things happen and even worse when I really have it my all my whole heart and soul I was hurt more then ever. Our world is a mess and our systems are broken but the only way one can hope for change is to speak up and spend time telling your story because my experiences could change your outcome and yours could change mine. Once I went public with my story after being silent for to long I received so many messages from people thanking me for sharing my story. I want to blog I want to write a book and I want to be on every social media platform that’s possible to not only help others but so my daughters can one day read and know I’m speaking my truth from my heart and I never gave up. As parents we all want better for our kids and want to give them everything and sometimes things get in the way of that but it doesn’t make you less of a parent. I messed up so bad in life because I was so messed up from my childhood trauma and I tried everything to be a good mom and to be there for everything the PTA mom always involved. I was and I loved my kids so much and they knew it I did everything for them. They always had what they needed and they always had fun and I never wanted them to know when I was hurting. I spent so much time trying to be the perfect parent for them i lost sight of where I was going in life. I never wanted to depend on a man and have to feel like everything was there’s and that my girls and I existed in someone else’s world not our own. I wanted to show them independence and to stay smart and to work hard and to be kind. All the best things that they are. Losing a loved one is painful but losing the loves of your life and they are still out there living and you can’t see them or talk to them. It’s not even human nature it’s not the way they are supposed to be raised it’s slowly taking who they were away and making them something that I never imagined. So not dealing with my trauma has now caused them their own. Such a sick twist of fate. I’m not ever going to say that I’m perfect but I did not deserve to have my kids taken and they didn’t deserve to have their mom taken and not see their siblings. The courts, people who dislike you, ex husband, ex wife and even your own family have way to much power taking kids away from their parents. My kids were traumatized after all of this and now live with the person who traumatized me and that was my worst fear. They didn’t spend more then a short weekend away from me and I worked so hard to get them back home after they were taken. This isn’t your usual situation where I’m poor me I lost my kids and did nothing wrong but I DID NOT have any rights in those court rooms and every specialist or teacher or counselor said they could see how to loved my kids and I had my inner most trusted person working against me the whole time and I was just to blind to see it because I thought for once she was proud of me and she loved me and I was finally one of her daughters. I was so wrong. The system in place to help protect kids and I believe in that. I did nothing to have them stripped from me to not see again until they are adopted or 18 years old. I lost the most important thing to me, the loves of my life and the reason I got up and wanted more and better. So now all I can do is just move on and hope that they are ok. I will write my truth and I will never give up. I know this is happening to more so reach out to m. Share your thoughts or stories m making sure my daughters know the truth and that they can be better and have a voice. I believe that our bonds are strong enough to be under the same moon and feel safe knowing that someone is out there loving them and fighting for them. So how ever I try to get my story out I will enjoy the people I can help, the advice I can give, an ear to listen