#but this looks like some nice silly fun and may be a good detox

[firebirdsdaughter]

Hmmm…

… Everyone's jumping to shipping for Boonboomger, and I get why, but I'm personally feeling more family vibes. Think this could be a good team-centric season.

[patheticwithanem]

2020 in Retrospect

Hey friend,

I know it’s late, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I kind of promised myself I’m writing about the year that was. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe it’s to put things in perspective going in to 2021? And today’s my fourth year anniversary with my employer, so I guess it’s perfect timing? (More on that later)

So I was going through my notes (I have this habit of writing down what happens on a daily basis - be it activities, emotions, drama, name it) and one thing’s for sure. 2020 SUCKED. It did. But I’m committing to this no matter what!

First things first: lots of profanities along the way. Well actually, I was about halfway writing the letter when fucking Tumblr decided to refresh and delete what I’ve been writing for about one fucking hour now. So I have to fucking do it all over again. If this is the Lord telling me to stop being sentimental about 2020, fret not my Lord! I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, so I’m carrying on.

Here’s how the rest of the year unfolded. 2020. Let’s go.

JANUARY. Reunions?

January 1. Had a get-together with a few relatives in Malabon. It was fun! I used to be so allergic to family reunions but I guess age creeping in changes you? You value people even more now? This was also the last time we’re able to spend some time with my uncle from Singapore. He brought his family to spend the holidays here. He’s a sweetheart and a great father who’s missed.

January 9. I attended a college dormmate’s wedding. I remember contemplating whether to go or not only to realize I’m actually lucky to be even invited given the fact that I chose to be distant for them for a long while. I also told myself that not showing up is so far from what I’m trying to be. Although I wasn’t there for the whole thing, I’m glad I did come. I was able to bond with my roommates once again whom I treated like brothers ten years ago and that was nice. A not-so-close dormmate even introduced me to his boyfriend and that’s huuuuge. The bride was beautiful too, and I’m glad she’s in the best place right now after all she’s been through. She’s a strong one, that girl.

January 11. Got invited to a birthday pool party of a colleague at work. I have to say I’m actually quite surprised I was invited to this. She’s always had my back though and always kind of looked after me, so I had to go. It was fun but I didn’t get drunk AT ALL. 

January 12. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. The Taal Volcano erupted. It was awful especially for everyone living near the area because everything was covered with ash. It was also a day before my brother’s birthday and we thought the ashfall would be worse the next day so we decided to celebrate earlier. 

January 19. Went to a fiesta. Did not expect to survive that at all. It was a different kind of neighborhood, but the people were nice. 

January 25. Went to a public market with co-workers to buy clothes, eat chicken wings for dinner and then our regular fix of karaoke. Good times. 

Anything else? I was able to book a birthday trip to Yogyakarta, which I eventually canceled because of youknowwhat. Tragic.

February. Blindside!

February 7. Blindside’s a bitch. Yes, that’s what I had written on my notes. I legitimately felt blindsided. So story: I have a friend who I found out was pregnant (let’s call her Ms. Preggy, sorry) and me and her bestfriend (let’s call him Work Son because he was my work son in a lot of ways) decided to hold an intervention for her. The four of us including a friend I’m going to call The-Now-Bestie (kind of a spoiler) whom I had a misunderstanding and was not in speaking terms with will be coming to Work Son’s place. Essentially, the goal was to make Ms. Preggy open up about her pregnancy and her issues with the douchebag father; make her feel that she has us and she doesn’t need to be alone in this. I think it went well, in that regard. However, the whole thing was awkward in epic proportions. It’s as if me and The-Now-Bestie didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s existence, and when we didn’t have a choice, we were sarcastic to each other. I also really felt like an outsider among the four that time; like I wasn’t supposed to be there and wasn’t really contributing to anything. It was a really lonely feeling. I decided to distance myself to them after that.

February 13. WINNERS AT WAR PREMIERE! Words can’t even express how excited I was to see some of my heroes again on screen! Parvati with that “phoenix rising from the ashes” confessional? Damn, girl! Still a fucking legend! It was also nostalgic Yul working his godfather magic once again. I’ve always seen him as a top-tier winner and someone I looked up to for what he represented to the Asian community and the history of Survivor. It was also nice seeing Kim, Tyson, Tony, Sophie, Natalie and Sandra. But I must say I kind of missed Todd. He was my favorite winner and was a great storyteller, a great strategist and a great character with an amazing comeback story. He would’ve been perfect for a season with this caliber of players. And as much as I hate Jeff Probst for shoving him down our throats, I wanted to see Cochran play with these winners! Caramoan’s my first season (a late superfan, yes) and he’s the very reason I got so hooked with the show. I used to think it’s a game where people like me never win. So to see someone like Cochran who’s awkward in every sense of the word (and owning it) win Survivor, it is very inspiring. I like speaking in metaphors and it’s funny how much metaphorical Survivor can be to how I see life now. I see Cochran and if he can win in Survivor, I feel like I can win in life, as silly as that sounds. Cochran sucked his first season, but he then went on to play this dominant game his second try while still managing to be the adorkable underdog that he is. I love that story. Man, I get so worked up when I talk about Survivor! I wish I had that same passion with anything else.

February 19. Mom slipped and had to be rushed to the nearest ER. Good thing there were no fractures and she was fine. I guess we can thank the fats for that? LOL

February 21 ‘til 23. WEEKEND STAYCATION! I needed this! Drinking at the hotel taproom with a live band? YES! Indian for lunch and surf-and-turf buffet for dinner? YES YES YES! That lamb chops, MY LORD. Thank you.

February 29. Leap Day. I started journaling again. 

March. FUCKING COVID.

March 16. The Start of the Lockdown we all come to love now (punk, sarcasm). 

March 17. Politics is so taboo to discuss especially over dinner. But then BAM. I had a major fight with my dad (and by major, I mean MAJOR in a get-out-of-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-pandemic kind of major). It was basically about a comment he made that’s so misogynistic (towards the Vice President) that I just knew I can’t just let go. It was sooo bad I got all pissed, and when I’m pissed, I can get scary. Maybe it’s the voice or the eyes or both, but the fight got really heated on the verge of getting physical. Which now that I think about it is stupid just because of fucking different political views. Well, I can never get behind the President and they’re huge fans of him and I’ve come to terms with that but it’s just... bleh. I’m not even gonna try to rationalize it because I can’t. It’s just.. disgusting. Oh fucking well. 

April. Wander-fucking-lust.

April 1. I started a 30-day Financial Detox which basically meant no unnecessary expenses. No online shopping, no paying for leisure. None. It was April Fools, but I was dead-set on saving! (Spoiler alert: I failed.)

April 6. Meltdown. I just really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

April 11. Dad’s birthday. After not talking for over a month (which is no easy feat in a tiny condominium unit), we acknowledged each other’s presence. By April 15, it’s like nothing happened anymore. He even gave me a home haircut (which for a beginner, is pretty good). On other news, I started watching The Politician on Netflix and t’was the day I started obsessing on Ben Platt and his music. 

April 16. A year ago, I was enjoying sidewalk pho and almost making friends at Cu Chi Tunnels and the Saigon Skydeck of the Bitexco Financial Tower in Ho Chi Minh. Damn, covid.

April 18. That crazy border-crossing from Saigon to Phnom Penh a year ago. That was fulfilling. Damn, covid.

April 19. A year ago, I was experiencing sunrise at Angkor Wat. Wander-fucking-lust UGH. 

April 30. That Town Hall shoutout from our company’s President because of reaching my quota from last month. That really felt good. As much as I hate to admit it, I like being validated from time to time. It definitely meant a lot especially coming from her who took a chance on me. I was patting my back.

MAY. Endure. Let Go. 

May 14. KING TONY WON. Very well-deserved win. A disappointment of a season if you ask me, but props to the king for dominating an all-winners season. Respect for that. Also Natalie and Michele played great games as well and they should be very proud of themselves. I feel like a proud father to these winners HAHAHA!

May 16. Was pleasantly surprised with Dead to Me. That car scene between Jen and Judy on that ninth episode from the second season? Damn. That’s one of the few moments I teared up because of a TV show. That was powerful. All that tension building up and then that sudden release? I really felt that.

May 26. Why do I always feel all this fucking rage inside of me? I try to think of any triggers but I can’t seem to find one that’s actually reasonable. It’s like the isolation getting the best of me. I initially thought quarantine’s going to be a cakewalk for an introvert like myself, but it wasn’t the case. I feel like I’m losing my shit because I was stripped off of the usual things I have access to whenever I feel uneasy and anxious and angry like this. Endure, let go, I know. But it’s so much easier said than done, right?

JUNE. Breathe.

June 12. So the plan to sell the condo and find a new place is real. We went to this great place in Valenzuela and it was a great house and all but I felt weird. Maybe I was having trouble letting go? Maybe it’s just me being averse to change yet again?

June 15. Slept 6am for that How To Get Away With Murder series finale. That speech. VIOLA. Chills all over my body. 

June 18. New phone was delivered. That was fast.

June 27. First time visiting the village we moved to. We were checking a different house this time and was already picturing us living there. Still felt weird, but maybe less.

Looking at it now, I realize almost nothing happened in this stretch of months. Pathetic.

JULY. Change (that’s not necessarily good lol)

July 3. The Anti-Terrorism Bill signed. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. 

July 10. Doomsday. The ABS-CBN renewal disapproved. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. Also, that first house we checked was bought this day. First heartbreak.

July 22. Decided to donate to one of my elementary teachers to help finance school supplies for his students in the province. That felt good. 

July 24. folklore’s goooood. This is the Taylor Swift sound that I love. (I had to write that down because that was a 2020 highlight to be honest)

AUGUST. Getting older. Again.

August 2. Donated to another cause: to help a really close friend’s mom (who’s a school principal) on financing their students’ lesson modules (they needed more paper so the donation was going to be used to buy more paper). That felt good.

August 3. Started obsessing on Dear Evan Hansen. I mean come on. HOW COME I ONLY KNEW OF THIS NOW?!?! The story, the acting, the soundtrack... it felt like I asked the Lord for a musical for me and he gave this on a silver platter. 

August 9. Lasagna, baked sushi, lechon belly, pansit, cake. Weird combination, I know, but that’s me!

August 11. Discovered the Slowly app. Changed my life since then! I’m not even exaggerating. I guess it has to do with feeling extremely lonely amid the pandemic and getting this platform where you can talk to literally anyone while still keeping your anonymity. And it strips you off of instant gratification you’re so used to because you actually have to wait for your letters to be sent and to arrive. A great exercise for patience if you ask me! And since you have to wait, you make your letters longer and more worthwhile. It’s a platform free of judgment which relies heavily on building actual mental and emotional connections. It’s a gift, truly. NOT EXAGGERATING; YES I’M THAT LONELY.

August 23. The house search continued. This time, the South!

August 24. It was my first time watching a Korean drama and I gotta say I get the hype now. Korea makes great stories and they take their time when telling these stories. The story centering about mental health was definitely what got me to try watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, but the show’s so much more than that. That was a great watch.

SEPTEMBER. Finally some light?

September 1. Second year anniversary. I still really miss her.

September 5. My cat’s 5th birthday! Of course we had to celebrate for her with baked macaroni and burnt cheesecake. 

September 11. Lost uncle. He gave a good fight. 

September 19. SENSE8. It’s a show that doesn’t need any explaining. It’s the BEST. I love this cast SO MUCH. I remember thinking if I ever get a tattoo (which is unlikely), I’ll maybe have the title of that Sense8 series finale inked on me. AMOR VINCIT OMNIA. Love conquers all. 

September 27. After a series of unfortunate events, we were led to this house on the same village we keep going back to, and the moment we saw it, we were sold. This is going to be our house. And it happened.

OCTOBER. Surprises?

October 6. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 12. Booked a trip for next year because I’M HOPEFUL AS FUCK.

October 21. Had the best conversation I had in a long time. 

October 22. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t. 

October 28. Organized a digital event for work. I’m still on the fence whether I’m proud of it or not. It was my first event, and I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. While I enjoyed all the preparation that came with it, from making that tactical marketing plan to coordinating with the organizers and my team, I felt like it was bland. There were lapses here and there and I know that we all tried the best we could, but maybe I just pictured it a little better in my mind? It wasn’t a flawless event and maybe I wanted it to be flawless. But it was fun. I never would’ve imagined me hosting an event, but I did. 

NOVEMBER. Decisions.

November 14. So news came and we’re finally moving. The buyer of the condo got approved and it was only a matter of weeks to settle documents and payment and we’re good to go. I had mixed feelings about it. It took me back to that time we started looking for houses. I wasn’t exactly ready to let go of the place I grew with for the past five years. And I wasn’t also ready to let go of the convenience, and the relationships I only have started building with friends I found along the way. But at that moment I knew I had to be happy because they were happy. My family was happy. I knew I have to be happy.

November 21. Started all the packing. Packing meant decluttering and reminiscing, so letting go of more things which was overwhelming at first, but inevitable. 

November 23. I had something checked in the hospital, and something happened and it wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did and it was so fucking bizarre lol

November 28. HAPPY MOVING DAY. It’s that day of the year. Stress was off the charts because of the time constraint and frankly, the lack of preparedness. Good thing a few people helped us with the rest of the packing. It was an impossible task for me and my sister alone so we were glad we got all the help we needed. I did most of the heavy lifting, so I had bruises all over my body for weeks, but after all was said and done, it felt surreal. Felt like everything coming full circle. That first night in the new home? I’ll never forget that. That was special.

December. The end of an era.

December 2. I went back to the condo to stay for a few more days. Get to feel the place one last time. Also lost a huge deal at work to a competitor. I usually really get depressed with these losses, but for some reason I felt indifferent about it. I guess it was my mind telling me I’ve mentally checked out of work already? That maybe it is really time to move on to something that’ll make me care about what I do again? Make me feel again?

December 4. Met someone (who we can call the Professor) I’ve been talking to for a while now. We’ve had some really great conversations leading to this night; talks at 3AM that’s kind of liberating? I was upfront about the moving and that I only have a few days left in the place which is probably why it happened. Professor was also upfront about leaving the country in a few months for an opportunity to work and do research in Japan for five fucking years. It was awkward at first; but we eventually warmed up to each other and spent the night together. 

December 5. Things escalated pretty quickly. The Professor gave me a shower (that was weird but I was feeling it and I thought it was sweet and sexy?). We cuddled until we slept and there was breakfast prepared when I woke up. I don’t usually get to experience this kind of stuff so I really appreciated that. I was feeling it. I thought I can get used to this! I left the place and was invited back again so I stayed over for another night. We’ve had a few more interesting conversations. I was not expecting some of the things we discussed especially the talk about long-distance relationships. The Professor asked me what I think about it and I was honest; I’m not against it but it’s not something I’ll take a chance on if I wasn’t sure about it. Mantra’s always been connection first before commitment. I’m not the “take a leap of faith” kind-of guy; I needed to be sure. Or at the very least be really mentally and emotionally connected with the person. I thought that made perfect sense. I still do.

December 6. So it was finally goodbye. Me and my sister went to the nearest church to donate a few clothes and shoes and to attend a mass. Bid farewell to the Professor too and promised each other to keep in touch. I also had an awkward encounter with my sister’s “friend” who she sneaked in the condo for God knows what for. Pretty sure they did the nasty.

December 13. We went to our old house (the one I spent my younger years in) to get a few stuff for the new house. I only really wanted to get my old bicycle because I want to be biking regularly for the next year. I want to take that fitness journey seriously! So I got the bike and I got to spend some time with some childhood friends. Good stuff.

December 15. A teammate resigned at work. The funny thing is he did it after getting that 13th month bonus HAHAHA! I can’t blame him though after learning about the salary he gets when he’s performing three functions in the team. That’s insane. But it really made me wonder: am I still in this for the long haul? Or do I move on too?

December 17. So I had my work desk and wardrobe delivered. Felt so nice buying things for my room! 

December 19. We got a new dog! Another French Bulldog. He’s pretty sweet. Someone’s not happy! (MY MOM)

December 22. And then this happened. We were supposed to meet after my dentist appointment (which I only used as an excuse to meet and I thought that was obvious) but the Professor never showed up. I waited for FIVE FREAKIN HOURS. I had like clothes with me because we agreed I sleepover but FUCK. Good thing a friend kept me company, but that was horrible. I thought YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. I deserve better.

December 24. We had our house blessed. It was all super spontaneous; we invited a few friends and relatives over and had an intimate gathering. Mom got emotional (AGAIN).

December 27. So Ms. Preggy (from February - oooh that rhymed) had her son baptized. Since she lives a little father from the city, we decided to have a little staycation with some friends there too. The-Now-Bestie and Work Son was there, and we had beer and homecooked food and a slew of great conversations to cap off the year. 

Also December 27. I knew I needed to get something off my chest. And I just had to say it. 

“You’re so unfair. You shouldn’t have done that. Gave me false hopes. Gave me a “3-day trial period” only to disappear without any warning. Made promises you never intended to keep. You could’ve just told me you’re not interested anymore and I would’ve been fine with that but instead, you ghosted me. For the past few weeks since that weekend, it never seemed like you wanted to get to know me better. Or even just keep the communication going. It’s been one-sided and I wonder: has it always been this way? Maybe I’m remembering things differently. I told you I like you and I meant that. I’m still wrapping around my head why and how it happened to be honest. Maybe it’s that weekend? Maybe it’s the conversations leading up to when we first met? I don’t know. But things changed after that and I should ask you for an explanation but it’s really not the point. The point is I thought we can work something out and you hurt me. You may feel like you’re running out of time because of Japan but it’s no excuse to do that to anyone, really. You seem so sure about what you want so I hope you get whatever that is. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the memories.”

That was intense.

December 28. The Professor responded. “I apologize... I am getting attached... I had to “ponder on its implications to me in the long run”... I decided to slow down... It hurts... “That weekend that we met felt like I knew you before”... I am afraid... “You have no idea how hard it is to leave everything behind every 4-5 fucking years not because I wanted it but because I have to”... I still hope to continue whatever we have... “I will always remember you. Please don’t forget about me.”... YADA YADA YADA. 

I know. You know me. I try to empathize as much as possible. But I mean, come on. These are things I already know. It’s not what I needed to hear.

December 31. I needed to say something one last time. There’s already a lot of uncertainties in the world with COVID and life and everything else. I knew I needed answers; I want the binary. I want the black or white for this one. I’m not taking the gray with me next year. So I asked the following questions:

“What do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? Or we stick with occasional catching up on Viber every once in a while (because that’s what it sounds like to me)?”

“What do you want to get from your last two months here? What are you looking for? Just make the most “fun’? Or look for something that will stick?”

“Have you told me anything you really didn’t mean?”

“That one time we talked about long-distance, were you asking me?”

Fast forward to now: I never got the answer I needed. I guess this is one of those rare occasions where no answer is the answer. And after a few weeks of contemplating about it, I am leaving it behind in 2020. 

I’m actually at peace with that.

So there you have it. The suck-fest that is 2020. The first month of the new year wasn’t so bad. I feel this great energy. This year’s going to be different. I did tell you that this letter’s perfect timing. That’s because I’ve resigned and I’m moving on. A friend told me a while ago that he’s proud of me for finally taking action. The 2018 version of myself wouldn’t have done what I did and he was happy for me. I wanted a clean slate and I took it. That I was finally taking ownership of my life. 

I was elated. My friend usually spoils me with compliments and encouragement and my ever reliable negative self-image tend to disagree with him but for the first time in a very long time, it felt right. I’m not usually excited for New Years, but I guess I am?

I say bring it on, 2021.

Until then,

Patheticwithanem

[omgokiguess]

wow guys i just got out of rehab today

first of all. it was so terrible except for some of the people there. but also a couple of the people there really sucked too.

the staff was TERRIBLE. they were literally so mean and power hungry. i was friends with basically every patient (except for the few shitty ones) and was really nice to them.... like i took in this innocent 20yo girl who started calling me her big sister and i helped this 21yo girl so much with her anxiety..... like i took care of everyone that i could and i stuck up for everyone that the staff treated like shit. and the staff was so fucking rude to me. the whole staff said so many times “we have no problem giving you extra phone time/computer time to take care of things like work, aftercare, legal problems, financial problems, etc” but literally every single time i asked to call work or call my lawyer or anything i got a no. it literally took me two full weeks to get things straightened out with exelon and i literally got let go from anthro because they would just not let me get on the phone so that’s cool. i never once was able to speak to my lawyer or my pre-trial officer. neat. also i got in a pretty heated fight with this one bitch employee who told me i was disrespectful because i asked her superior to open the laundry room for me because i had my period and needed new underwear out of the dryer. we were like screaming at each other and she ended up being sent home for four days. two guys actually ended up leaving randomly and left all their shit including their phones and wallets. that’s how bad the staff was.

the doctor was really good and knowledgeable and helpful and i really liked him. he was really chill. but i do have to say he really was pushing meds on not just me but everyone. i didn’t get on any meds though, and honestly one of the nurses congratulated me for not getting on meds when i left. i thought it was fucked up that i was the only person not on meds. we’re just alcoholics.... there’s no way we’re all fucking psychotic or something. nobody was on less than 2 meds besides me and i would say the average number of different meds was about 4 for somebody my age.

the staff just really frustrated me. it’s rehab so obviously there are a lot of rules for the sake of having rules and i honestly did not have a problem with the rules even though a lot of them were very silly. like you would not find me complaining about the unhealthy food, the fact that they said the gym would be open certain hours but was actually never open because they were “understaffed,” that our bathrooms were locked from 7:30am - 9:30pm and 25 people had to share two toilets, that there were essentially no covid-19 precautions, that somebody checked where i was every 15 minutes, that smoking a pack of cigarettes a day is okay but the juul is not, that i had to get the actual doctor to approve me using contact solution or allergy medication, or any other stupid thing they enforced. i literally only complained about the fact that i couldn’t talk to my employer(s), couldn’t talk to my lawyer, couldn’t talk to my pre-trial officer, couldn’t figure out my aftercare, couldn’t call my therapist, and that the staff spoke to me like i was either an idiot, a delinquent, or like i was a bitch.

i did put up one little stink though. this bitch that worked there, if we were in our rooms, when she checked on us she didn’t knock she just fucking opened up the door, so i decided to just chill in my room and read in the nude one day cause i knew she would just open the door without knocking... and wouldn’t it be fun for her to have to deal with the sight of my entire bush..... so i went for it lmao. she told the entire staff that she walked in on me LOL and the “director of operations” (this woman is truly a dumb cunt) asked my roommate, who was a 45 year old MD from lake forest, if she wanted to switch roommates (???) and dr. nancy my hero was like “um no i actually lucked out with erin and also diana should learn to knock.”

anyway, nancy and brittany my two fave people, left on the same day which really sucked but whatever. then sam left which also whatever... i loved her too. and then..... oh god i hate to admit this so much.... but then michael came in. he made it in 3-ish days before i left.

i literally have NO IDEA why this would be, but okay the protocol is before you go to rehab you go through alcohol detox in the hospital, so i was an inpatient in the hospital for 5 days. i slept through most of that because they put me on valium for those 5 days so that I wouldn’t experience the hells of alcohol withdrawal. i’m glad i was asleep for most of it though because there was nothing at all to do, they had like 3 different crossword puzzles and no TV but as it turns out..... i wasn’t in the alcohol detox section of the hospital.... for some reason they put me in the psychotic wing..... there were only 6 patients total in that wing and i was the only person living in reality. one woman escaped the hospital because she thought her husband was telling her to leave, and the other 4 men were handcuffed to their beds. i was the only person in there with any sense of reality, and i had gotten there in the middle of the night so i was unaware of other wings in the hospital. on my last night there, they moved me to “2 north” aka the normal alcohol detox wing, which probably had 100 people in it. so in the morning we all had breakfast together and i was like WHAT THE HELL..... I COULD HAVE MADE FRIENDS HERE.... and that’s when i met michael. i knew him for like a full 90 minutes total in inpatient but we were literally instant best friends. we met because some old men were telling me jokes trying to get me to laugh and he was sitting nearby and he was like “so how old are you like 35?” and i was like “you’ve got to be kidding me fuck you....” and he was like “yeah lol i’m kidding” and i was like playing back, like “so how old are you like 45?” cause he looked about 30 and he was like “yes” and i was like okay bullshit so he showed me his hospital band and it said 45..... and i was like okay this is ridiculous. anyway he had been to the rehab i was going to before so he told me about it and he gave me a note for sam and i just thought he was really cool. he was getting ECT treatments which is “a treatment most commonly used in patients with severe major depression or bipolar disorder that have not responded to other treatments. ECT involves a brief electrical stimulation of the brain while the patient is under anesthesia.” aka it’s literally where they put those diodes on your brain and shock you. he got 16 treatments. i thought he might end up back in rehab with me. but he spent like 2 full months in inpatient which is super abnormal, almost everyone is there for exactly 5 days like me. anyways

so michael shows up right before i leave and the big question is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME...... i spent like 3 days with him nonstop and we can probably all see where this is going but.... this dumbass of course falls for him....???? there were some cuties in rehab and i had NO INTEREST in any of them but idk michael is just kind of.... the personality i’ve been looking for.

couple problems. 1. i have a boyfriend. 2. michael is 5′6″ .... (???) .... 3. i cannot get his fucking stupid smile out of my head and i’m hoping i was just sexually deprived for weeks and this is just a dumb thing BUT

idk my boyfriend like made all these promises of things he was going to do for me while i was in rehab and he kind of didn’t follow through on any of them. i really basically only told him and my sister that i’m going to rehab and my sister lives in boston and so i kind of assumed he would do the things he promised he would do, which clearly was stupid on my part. i can’t rely on him. i should have learned that by now... if i want something done i have to do it myself. i didn’t even ask very much of him. he basically promised four things. 1. he would take care of my guinea pigs. 2. he would check on my car to be sure it doesn’t get impounded 3. he would clean my room before i get back and 4. he would bring me the stuff i need (contact lenses to fucking see, hairbrush, tampons, other necessities) since they wouldn’t let me leave hospital care between detox and rehab. the only one of those he did was take care of my guinea pigs, which is essentially nothing because he goes to whole foods every day and his MAID cleaned their cage.

and idk, we were allowed 10 minutes of combined computer and phone time a day (which is literally nothing), and i always called him and ignored the computer because i thought he would want to hear from me and i would want to hear from him too, but at least 30% of the time i left phone time upset and crying. i mean i was turning my whole entire life around and it took him 13 days just to check to see that my car wasn’t impounded, and he had the audacity to complain that he was overwhelmed with all the stuff he had to deal with on my behalf even though it was literally just feeding my guinea pigs and then he had his own work shit. i suspect he’s taking more adderall than he should again. but i can’t even complain. his dad found the lawyer that may end up saving my life. 

and anyway. he never ended up cleaning my room (he wasn’t even gonna clean it himself, he was going to hire someone to clean it and he couldn’t even do that even though he promised. i don’t need it i just kind of thought he was gonna keep his promise), and it took him 5 days to bring me the stuff i need. i kept in one pair of dailies for 5 days (i wore my last pair over from detox) and went blind for 2 days. my rehab was only 20 minutes from his house, a straight shot on the never-crowded 294. i left him with all of my debit cards and pins too, and bank logins so that he wouldn’t have to pay for anything i needed. 

and idk then when i talked to him, whenever i complained about rehab he would just kind of be like “this is why you should have gone to PSI” which is where he went to rehab for marijuana.... which costs and arm and a leg because his dad will pay for anything for him and he doesn’t understand that i’m paying for this myself. and i didn’t want some cushy rehab. i mean yeah i didn’t want the staff to be such a load of cunts but i didn’t want his cushy frilly rehab experience. i would have really liked my program if there had just been better people working there. and he wanted to talk about my sobriety so much and like.... i don’t want to talk about it with him. idk in his head i think he thinks i’m taking his exact same journey and like i’m NOT. like it’s not even the same drug. he acts like he totally understands and it’s like... yes there is a lot he understands but there’s a lot that’s different and there’s no way ANY two patients ever went through the exact same thing, ESPECIALLY when it’s different drugs!!!!

and i’ve been with him since about 1p today (he was late to pick me up, it was supposed to be noon, which he promised he wouldn’t be late, and him being late was also something i brought up a lot in rehab because it caused me so much stress..... i just KNEW he was gonna be late and it caused me a lot of anxiety and i told him this so much and he was still late) (and anyway the point here is).... i’ve been with him since 1 and he just keeps saying weird stuff about alcohol. which is EXACTLY why i didn’t want anybody to know i was going to rehab. like after eating hospital food for weeks i wanted to go to a nice restaurant and most nice restaurants serve alcohol.... which is FINE like i was not gonna drink.... but he kept saying things like “we probably shouldn’t go to a pub” or “lake forest food and wine hmm better not go there” and it’s like..... i’m fucking HUNGRY i purposely didn’t eat the hospital food because i wanted to eat good food and it took us till 2:30pm to get somewhere because he felt the need to beat around the alcohol bush.... and every time alcohol came up in conversation (which just HAPPENS because that is how life is....) he’d be like oh sorry shouldn’t mention that and it’s like I CAN HANDLE IT..... i literally finally said to him “wow I’m so glad I didn’t tell anyone i went to rehab because if everybody talked to me the way you’re talking to me that would make me want to drink”

and also right before i went to rehab i told him i was afraid i wasn’t going to like him anymore if i was sober. and boy was i right. and adding michael in did not fucking help. i told myself i would never like somebody fucking shorter than me but i can’t fucking help it. i’ve never liked people for their looks anyway and his personality is just fucking perfect. i can’t get his voice and his smile out of my head. and i trust him to be sober. i really do. this was his first relapse in five years, and he only spent one month drinking before getting help. and i think we could be sober together. 

idk maybe i was just so sex deprived that i was just horny or something. i don’t know.

i start online intensive outpatient tomorrow at noon. this week i have it wednesday thursday and friday but it’s gonna be different every week and somebody is going to at least speak with me every day. i’m doing it through derek’s practice and i told him to make sure i have a lot of homework.

i’m not sure how or when i’m going to get back to work. i don’t even really care though. i can always get another job. and after talking to my sister and working through some therapy at rehab, i almost think it’s best to move anyway. i think it would really help me to get away from my parents.

idk. my life is just so in limbo right now. i can stay on FMLA leave for 3 months and on my upcoming court date, that will mark one month. i think it might be wise to use the whole three months. it also might not be wise though because i need things to do. maybe if i could just get back to anthro.....

anthro terminated me in the weirdest way and i think my lawyer can get my job at anthro back for me with a simple letter. that might be the best thing for me right now. 

not to mention.... i haven’t been back to my apartment yet but.... the gold coast has been destroyed. i don’t know what i’m going back to at this point. this is really sad sad sad to say but i don’t think i will be living downtown chicago anymore, once i find some other solution or once this lease expires, i’m leaving. maybe i’ll stay in chicagoland but probably not. if i do stay in chicagoland i’m gonna be living in the suburbs. but i think it only makes sense to get out of here. i think it makes sense to go to the southeast. florida or atlanta or north carolina or virginia. california is always on the mind too but to move there i think i need to be really really confident in my sobriety.  

[artificialqueens]

Beneath the Amber Moon, Part 2 (Galactica AU Group Fic) – TheDane & Veronica

Heyyy!! Welcome to Part 2 of “Beneath the Amber Moon,” a group fic set in the Galactica Universe. Click here for Part 1and here for some background on this AU.

We hope you enjoy! Let us know what you think!

Summary: Day 2. Courtney shows up at the resort, throwing a wrench into Fame’s plans, and Violet continues to avoid all the tropical fun.

/////

COURTNEY: Omg finally here. I thought I was gonna die on that helicopter.

ADORE: YAY!!! I can’t wait to see you!!! I’ll be back in like 4 hours. Ish.

COURTNEY: WHAT?!

ADORE: I’m on a boat. It’s a long story. Pity me.

COURTNEY: Adore! You’re leaving me alone with these jackals?! I did not agree to that!

ADORE: Calm down, everyone loves you.

COURTNEY: What about B?!

ADORE: Especially B…;)

COURTNEY: ADORE

COURTNEY: THIS IS NOT FUNNY

ADORE: Chillax bro. It’s a vacation. Go get some lunch and a cocktail and I’ll see your sweet ass later when this hellride is over.

COURTNEY: UGHH

ADORE: TELL ME ABOUT IT

/////

Raja closed the door behind her. The nannies had brought the twins along for midday activities, something Raven had taken advantage of straight away to get some alone time in their bungalow. Raja saw Raven, her wife in the middle of the bed, the sheets barely covering her, her leg tugged up so Raja could see the ass she had fallen in lust with, Raven still plush and plum. Raja walked over, pushing her childrens toys aside with her feet before she sat down on the bed, Raven walking at the dip.

“Mmh?”

“Hello sleeping beauty.”

Raja smirked and leaned down, catching Raven’s lips in a kiss.

“Do I have to get up?” Raven’s eyes were still closed, though she did move closer to Raja, holding her hand out so her wife could take it, intertwining their fingers.

“We’re the only ones here.” Raja ran her free hand through Raven’s hair, the black longs almost at her hips after she had stopped modeling. “You look a mess.”

“Don’t try me, I don’t have a hair out of place bitch.”

Raja smiled. “Of course.”  Raven opened her eyes, a snort coming from her, telling Raja she clearly didn’t believe a word she was saying.

“I’m effortless.”

“Your lips and the bill I paid for them says something else my darling.” Raja smirked, her hand coming from Raven’s hair to capture her lip with her thumb. Raven moaning at the touch, though she started sucking right away just like she knew Raja liked it. “Not that I’m complaining. They are worth every penny.” Raja released her, unbuttoning her top. “These too.”

“They turned out pretty good, right?”

“You may not be effortless. But you are perfection.”

/////

Fame opened the door to the sauna. She had been fretting about having anything done to her face while in Brazil, worried they would ruin her hard work, but as Karl had laughed straight in her face, telling her it couldn’t get any worse, she had decided to give it a chance and she was more than pleased with herself that she had. She dropped her robe, the heat already getting to her.

“Hi.”

Fame turned, spotting Patrick who was sitting in nothing but a towel, his skin damp and shiny, his hair wet too.

“What are you doing in here?” Fame smiled. She had been wondering where her husband had gone to, Patrick disappearing during breakfast.

“Taking a break.” Fame sat down next to Patrick, the hot wood nearly burning her skin, but Fame had always liked an edge of pain. “Think I had a little too much to drink, so I figured I’d come here.”

Fame nodded. It wasn’t an abnormality for their group of friends to always be at least buzzed whenever they were all together, alcohol taking the place of the harder drugs they used to snort.

“It’s nice.”

Patrick moved his arm, and Fame leaned into him, their skin sticking to each other, but she didn’t mind.

“So...how do you feel?”

“Good.”

“Really?” Fame could feel Patricks huff of laughter. “I hadn’t expected that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Fame sat up, looking at her husband.

“Nothing, I’m very proud of you. Seems like all the therapy has really made a difference, huh?”

“Patrick, what are you talking about, tell me right now or I’ll-”

“Oh.” Patrick’s eyebrows shot up, a flash of fear and then concern filling his face. “You don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” Fame could feel her anxiety rising with each nanosecond.

“It’s fine, love.” Patrick moved slightly, his body clearly betraying the calm in his words. “It’s just that, um...Courtney is coming. Adore mentioned it to me at breakfast. I thought-”

Fame stared at him blankly for a few seconds before asking, “Courtney Act? Why on earth would Courtney Act be coming?”

“It seems that Adore invited her-”

“Well, uninvite her! I don’t want her here for my birthday!”

“Fame.” Patrick put a hand on her leg, clearly trying to calm her down which only made her panic more. “It’ll be fine. Things have been over with Bianca for years. I’m sure everyone can be civil.”

“Civil isn’t good enough! I want my friends here, my best friends, my family! Courtney doesn’t belong in that.”

“I’d disagree.”

“She’s not family.”

“Really? Because if you ask me, having someone you can’t get rid of because someone you love loves them? That’s pretty much the definition of family.” Patrick squeezed Fame’s thigh. “Remember my Aunt Katherine at our wedding?”

“Courtney is nothing like Aunt Katherine.”

“No, but she’s coming, and you’ll have to deal with it. I promise it’ll be alright.”

/////

Courtney stood in the middle of the room, biting her lip. She had showered, changed, and spent a half hour unpacking - which was unusual. Normally she’d just live straight out of a suitcase for a week, but somehow right now, she was feeling anxious about going to join the group without Adore. Although...the water did look beautifully crystal blue, and it would be awfully nice to feel the sand under her feet.

She stepped outside onto her deck, breathing in the salty sea air, closing her eyes. She’d wrapped on her latest film project less than a week ago, and then spent 3 days in the recording studio, and this vacation was just the most perfect timing.

Even if she hadn’t fully thought through the idea of being in paradise with her ex.

Her ex, who she hadn’t seen in two years, who she still dreamed about, secretly hoping that something would bring them together again one day. No matter how many brilliant and beautiful women she met, how many times Courtney tried, her heart had never fully healed, never fully let go of Bianca.

Bianca, who happened to walk past her open window at the exact moment Courtney opened her eyes. Topless, breasts on full and glorious display as she dropped her towel and tied on a bathing suit. Courtney gulped.

She hadn’t realized how much her pulse was racing until Bianca stepped out of her bungalow a few minutes later, sunglasses in hand. Their eyes finally met, Courtney holding her breath in anxious anticipation. She wasn’t sure how Bianca felt about her being here, and she was fairly certain that the responsible thing would have been to check in before booking her room. But of course, she hadn’t done that. She’d let Adore handle everything.

Now, seeing Bianca’s face, she was 100% positive that she made the wrong decision. Bianca looked like she’d seen a ghost, her face turning nearly white, eyes bulging.

Shit. Courtney offered a sheepish little wave.

It took Bianca a few moments, but then she composed herself and strolled forward, the skirt of her maxi dress fluttering behind her.

Courtney leaned over the railing.

“Hey there…”

“Uh, hi.” Bianca looked up at Courtney with a puzzled expression. “What, uh...what are you doing here? I mean, sorry, I-”

“They didn’t tell you I was coming, did they?”

“Nope.”

Courtney cringed a little.

"I'm...Really sorry. Adore asked me to come, and she's my best friend, and we haven’t seen each other since-”

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m just...surprised. Um, come here.”

Bianca climbed the steps to give her a brief, awkward hug. As much as she tried to resist following Courtney and every one of her career moves, it was nearly impossible. So Bianca, along with everyone else alive on the planet, was well aware that she’d just finished shooting a sequel to Wonder Woman, as Supergirl.

Even from that quick hug, Bianca could feel how ridiculously buff she’d gotten. She gulped, searching for something else to say. Something that wasn’t ‘pick me up and throw me.’

“I knew this was a bad idea,” Courtney said. "She said everyone was cool with it, but obviously-"

“Don’t be silly,” Bianca said quickly. “It’ll be fun.” Bianca looked like she was telling the truth, though Courtney wasn’t sure if she should trust her. “Are you coming to lunch?”

“Um...okay.”

“Okay.”

Bianca offered a smile, dimples and all, and Courtney smiled back, following her down the steps and up the path.

/////

“Courtney! I can’t believe you’re here!”

Courtney felt the brief bliss of happiness, Juju’s obvious delight at seeing her almost making up for the fact that she had gotten herself caught in the strangest situation yet. Walking to the beach with her ex girlfriend, who she hadn’t seen in two years, dressed in a bikini, to go hang out with Bianca’s friends (who she was pretty sure didn’t even like her), while Courtney’s friend had abandoned her entirely.

“Look at you.” Juju laughed, clearly surprised to see her friend. She hugged Courtney tightly, taking a step back, her hands on Courtney’s biceps. “Wow, girl. What did DC make you do? Lift trucks? Detox, look at these arms!”

Detox snorted, his wife already babbling at Courtney at how happy the twins will be when they realise she’s here, when they get back from scuba diving with Alaska and Adore.

“Courtney.” Detox held his hand out, Courtney taking it in her own. “What a surprise to see you here. I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Yeah, I, um....” Courtney smiled. She was clearly nervous, and Detox wanted to dig into it, and he also knew Juju would most likely murder him if he rocked the boat in any direction on this vacation...but would it really be his fault if a small wave or two came up?

“Courtney! Come sit with us!” Jinkx called, opening her arms to give her a hug.

“Jinkxy!” Relief flooded through Courtney as she extricated herself from Detox’ clutches and ran over to Jinkx.

“Hey girl! I want to know everything about Wonder Woman 2. Is Gal Gadot as hot in person as she is on screen?”

“Uh, yeah,” Courtney laughed, sitting down beside Jinkx with a grin.

/////

Patrick had expected the worst to happen the moment he saw Courtney walk into breakfast. Fame had taken forever to calm down that morning, his wife using nearly an hour to get ready for lunch, circling around like a tiger in a cage, and Patrick was not looking forward to the shitshow he every reason to believe would go down.

Patrick wasn’t stupid - he knew what was going on, even if Fame refused to admit it to herself. He hadn’t come to the conclusion on his own, most of his alone hours in therapy spent discussing Bianca, what she meant to his wife and how he could navigate it. Bianca never spared him a second glance, barely talked to him in fact, but Patrick loved Fame, even if they were unconventional. He would always be in her life, as long as he was able.

So of course, Patrick had expected Fame to blow up the moment she saw Bianca and Courtney, the two walking in suspiciously close together, but Fame surprised him, his wife not sparing a single glance at either Bianca or Courtney.

Instead, she continued her conversation with Isolde, the little girl sitting in her lap, examining the stones on her fingers, Fame’s hand on Patricks knee underneath the table as she told Isolde the story of each of her gems.

“Isolde, stop bothering your auntie.” Raven was sitting with Raja, leaning against her wife, the two nauseatingly in love.

“She’s not bothering me.” Fame smiled. And it was true. For now, at least, she was behaving, mesmerized by the sparkling gems. “We’re just having fun, right Isolde?”

“I love diamond!” Isolde announced, and everyone chuckled.

“Like mother, like daughter,” Raven said, holding up her mimosa.

/////

“Where’s Violet?” Courtney asked, looking around the table.

“She’s napping.” Sutan smiled, taking another bite of his food. “She hasn’t been feeling well since we got here.”

“Oh no! Is she sick?”

“Violet doesn’t do well in tropical climates.”

“That’s the understatement of the year.” Karl smirked, taking a drink of his beer. “She’s looked like shit since we got here.”

The comment caused Bianca to get out a guffaw of laughter.

“Karl, what the fuck?” Sutan snorted, looking at his friend with an annoyed glance.

“I’m only telling the truth.”

Sutan looked like he was just about to continue his dressing down of Karl, when Raja cut in. “She’s obviously miserable. I really don’t know why you brought her here, brother dear.”

“Because I love her?”

Raja turned her attention to Courtney, a half smile on her lips. “We went to Indonesia last year, just to say hi to the family that hasn’t seen our twins yet, and Violet was sick from the moment we got there.”

“To be fair.” Raven chimed in. “I’d like to remind you that you were we the one that insisted we all had roadside Gado-Goda and plastic bag wine.”

/////

“Ahem.”

Fame looked up into Courtney’s face, blood pressure rising as the blonde shifted awkwardly. She plastered on her biggest, warmest smile.

“Hello, Courtney.”

“Hi, miss...um…” Why did Courtney always turn back into a stammering, self-conscious 21 year old around Fame?

“Umh.”

What should she even say? Despite Adore’s assurances that everyone was thrilled that she was coming, it was abundantly clear that Fame felt quite the opposite. So Courtney cleared her throat and settled on a lame, “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you, dear.”

“And um...thank you for letting me tag along.”

Fame smiled again. So they were pretending that she’d had a choice in the matter? Well, fine. Fame could play. Especially when she sensed Bianca’s presence so close by.

“Of course, darling.” Fame touched Courtney’s arm, giving an Oscar winner performance of someone who cared. “We’re just so blessed to have a movie star grace us with her presence.”

If prayer worked, a hole would open up on the beach and swallow Courtney right up.

“Th-thanks…” With nothing else to add, Courtney backed away, nearly running to get back to Jinkx’ side.

Bianca leaned over Fame’s shoulder, softly mimicking her voice. “We’re just so blessed-”

“Oh hush.” Fame shivered, Bianca’s breath hot against her ear. “I’m doing my best.” Fame bit her lip, annoyance eating away at her.

Bianca dumped down next to her, rolling her eyes, the same strange vibe radiating from Bianca.

“So. Courtney’s here.” Bianca said to her, trying to keep her voice low. “That’s fun,”

“Fun? Is that what you call it?” Fame asked, adding in an equally quiet but furious voice, “I can’t believe you. This is my birthday, and it’s not like I bop along to whatever pop trash she puts on the radio. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me-”

“Didn’t tell you? I didn’t know she was coming!”

“... You didn’t?”

“No! I almost had a heart attack when I saw her!” Bianca exclaimed, then shook her head. “I’m gonna kill Adore...”

“Can I help?”

Bianca laughed, leaning a head on Fame’s shoulder. “Shit.”

“Are you gonna be okay? I know you haven’t seen her since-”

“I’ll be fine.”

Fame relaxed a bit, thinking to herself that maybe having Courtney there wouldn’t ruin things after all.

/////

{I brought you lunch.}

{You’re doing it again.}

{Doing what?}

“Speaking French.”

Violet looked up from her magazine, the stack next to her chair almost 20 volumes tall. She turned her face up, Sutan giving her a quick kiss, his lips soft against hers.

Sutan had laughed when she had cleared out a Relay at the Charles de Gaulle airport, her old backlog of unread magazines in her own suitcase. Violet tried to make time to keep up. Fashion magazines was what brought her from the New York City Ballet to Parsons, and while studying one of the biggest reasons she had learned french was so she could read L’Official, Numéro, Vestoj, and the french editions of Vogue, Elle and Marie Claire. When she had worked as Fame’s assistant, she had been able to stuff one in her purse and bring it out whenever the was a few moments of quite or waiting.In design Trixie had almost demanded they kept up. At Dior though, they rarely had a moment of not being on their feet, the dresses they produced so much more labor intense no matter if it was for the Haute Couture runway or if it was for a private client. Violet loved every second of it, loved how she was challenged, how she learned new techniques every single day watching the absolute masters of their craft in work by beading delicate patterns or pulling a single thread to make a stunning gown pop from flat fabric into the silhouette it was supposed to be.

“Oh?” Sutan looked confused for a second, before he laughed, the warm sound coming from the bottom of his chest. “I guess I am.”

“Thank you.. You didn’t have to.”

“I did.” Sutan smiled. “Can’t have you starving, right?”

Sutan sat down, and Violet sat up straight, a small smile on her face. Violet looked at the platter of food Sutan had brought her, the fruit looking delicious, though she felt scared of even touching it, another spell of nausea hitting her halfway back to the cabin after breakfast.

“Bon appetit.”

Violet sometimes wondered what it was like inside her boyfriend’s head - Indonesian, English and French all swirling around. She had no idea how he didn’t go into a near catatonic stage with all the sounds of his friends around him, Sutan easily switching to Indonesian with Raja, while Raven spoke Russian to her twins if she felt like it and even Adore and Bianca could go off in broken Spanish, both insisting they knew the language though they could barely cobble together two sentences.

Violet took a banana, peeling it slowly.

“Do you want to go to the beach?”

Violet took a bite out of the fruit, no nausea twisting in her stomach, so she took another bite, the banana sweet on her tongue.

“Ouch!” Violet looked down, Sutan smiling as he had just pinched her toe, her poor defenseless feet laying on the ottoman. “What did you do that for?”

“Are you coming?”

“Was it that good for you?” Violet pulled her foot to her, rubbing her toes. “Because I have to say I’m not very turned on.”

“I promise to inform you if I suddenly develop a fetish for pinching your toes.” Sutan already had all his things packed, his towel slung over his shoulder. “Now come on, we have to get the waves while they’re still good.”

Violet had heard Sutan perfectly well the first time he had mentioned going to the beach, but she had hoped he would have forgotten about it.

“You know I can’t swim.”

Sutan looked stunning, his hair barely styled, his skin already glowing from the sun, not that Violet had any idea how since hadn’t even been in Brazil for a full 48 hours.

“Please?”

Sutan was wearing tan khaki shorts and an open white shirt, and Violet considered for a moment if going to the beach would be worth it just to watch Sutan run around. Hadn’t Detox said something about a volleyball game? Violet was just about to agree, when she felt a small yawn sneak up on her. Besides, if she went, she’d have to change into the bathing suit she had brought with her, which she had barely even been able to look at it, too worried what her body would look like in it.

“I’d rather not.”  

“Fine.” Sutan looked almost defeated, and Violet felt a sharp sting in her heart. He leaned in, kissing her lips. “Last chance?”

“Tomorrow?”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

[leggigoesabroad]

you can leave the light on

12:13 am in Prague in the most beautiful apartment I may have ever been inside.  This apartment has a real reputation in our company for being the best of the best and turns out, they ain’t lying.�� My first thoughts upon walking in were “OPULENT AS FUCK” though I didn’t say it that way, cause you know, #worktrip.  A real theme of the trip is how constantly I have to censor myself around new people who don’t get me.  Which in fact, does remind me of being in Luxembourg, except without the toxic resentment.  Just more of a lowkey “I wish I was experiencing this with my pals, not my colleagues.”  

To be fair, it’s not that taxing.  We mostly eat meals together and go over expectations and upcoming member stays for the summer calendar of stays.  It just feels like a lot of work when most of that work is more emotional in nature as I’m forever aware that this is for work and eggshells must be walked on all the time.  I never really think I’m that weird until I’m around new people who don’t get it.  Like, can’t I just have Kitty who anticipates my every need and makes sure I have snacks at all times and I’m properly rested?? I’m sick of people who think the fact that I worked at a circus school before this job makes me a “carnie” because oddly, they actually aren’t the first to make the joke!  But there’s no good way to say to someone, “you’re the weird one here” without sounding like a defensive bitch, so.  That said, I’m excited for Wednesday (it’s late Monday now) when I’m on my own and will have the whole day in Prague ~quite at leisure.  I booked an Airbnb on the same block and am planning on spending the whole day walking the city, as I’m told it’s quite walkable!!  Podcasts and music and intermittent food/drink alone sound perfect right now.  Thursday I’ll go to Paris where I have no plans except trekking up to Montmarte alone and pining for Rachel and pretending it’s 2012.

Last I left off, we went to lunch in Vienna and then did a city tour with a positively lovely woman named Ilse.  She was 48 but looked 38 and I found her quite enchanting.  She had a great mix of pace, historical facts, fun facts, humor, etc.  I was WOW’ed by the greenery in Vienna - I had no idea it was such a park-filled city.  She told me that over 50% of Vienna is covered in greenery (!!!) and it’s a huge priority for them.  Imagine pristine gardens but just...everywhere.  My colleagues were lightly making fun of me for being so “double rainbow” at the whole thing, but it’s hard to not be positively awestruck on a gorgeous ~65 degree day with blue skies, sun, and incredible parks in a brand new city to me.  These two I’m traveling with have been literally all over the world, so it’s a little hard to impress them.  I asked Gina (boss boss) if there was anything left on her bucket list.  She said, “hmm... probably just Big Sky, Montana.”  QUOI?  We live in Denver and she has been to every corner of the earth and pines for Big Sky, where I went a few months ago with some friends.  I said “Gina, that’s attainable!! It’s a 1 hour flight!!!”  She also said tonight at dinner when discussing London: “you know, oddly, in all my travels, I’ve only been to London like three or four times, and just for a quick stopover so I never really got to see the city.  Oh, well, I guess there was that time I worked there for six weeks after college.”  She literally just forgot about six weeks in a city.  Goodness.  All things considered, it’s amazing to see a new city on a perfect weather day, as we all know how that colors the experience (see: Paris in the bitter cold in January 2011 in which my bleeding heels prevented me from enjoying a lick of the trip, sorry Amy.) I also loved the luxury of having a private guide for a 3-hour walking tour, which I found was the ideal amount of time and also helps see the city in such a local context, rather than just walking around and finding places to drink like I usually do.  Thesis: having money is nice.  You’re welcome for that pearl of wisdom.

We went out for dinner afterwards and I was too tired to see straight for most of it.  Which inevitably meant I came home to a completely sleepless night, re: weed detox.  Now that I know it exists, from the two times I went cold turkey in my later adult life (Thailand, and after the Caps won the Cup... the latter just because I figured my life was already too high, why use marijuana?) I was a little more zen about the whole thing.  The waking lucid dreams/nightmares kept me up until nearly 6 am but I kept telling myself, “this isn’t real, this is just the withdrawal, you can sleep in the car tomorrow, none of these dreams are real, despite how real they feel right now...” Yes, I can feel through the computer how alarmed you all are.  Just be glad it’s only weed!! I don’t know how people withdraw from all the real drugs, sheesh!  Especially after watching Timothee Chalamet have to go through it in Beautiful Boy! 

At 9:30 am this morning, a private driver took us to Prague, which was about a 4 hour car ride.  I promptly slept nearly the entire time, thanks to my Dramamine and completely sleepless night.  Silly body.  We had a welcome snack prepared for us by the new local hosts who will be working this summer for our members, one of whom is my friend/colleague Mckenzie’s close friend from home who happens to live in Prague right now!!  Allegedly we will hang out Wednesday night after the work is complete, after my alone day.  Would be nice to have a friend....she says forlornly.  Jk I know how incredible it is that I get to be here.  I just like a good opportunity to find the negative in anything, while in Europe, as I’ve been known to do.  Will update tomorrow after our city tour and countless meals where I pick out the least foreign looking thing and then justify my picky eating by overcompensating in the explanation!! xoxox

[artificialqueens]

Beneath the Amber Moon, Part 6 (Galactica AU Group Fic) – TheDane & Veronica

Heyyy!! Welcome to Part 6 of “Beneath the Amber Moon,” a group fic set in the Galactica Universe. Click here for previous chapters.

We hope you’re enjoying it! Let us know what you think!

Summary: Sand witches, sketches, jet skis, and baby influencers.

/////

Courtney skipped down the beach, Julia’s hand in hers, the little girl giggling and running to keep up. She was glad that she had an excuse to avoid the huge buffet and endless sugary cocktails. She’d already indulged quite a bit this week, and knew that any more would only make it even harder to get back into Supergirl-shape for her publicity shoot back in LA. Not to mention, Bianca had given her a look as they disembarked that sent shivers down her spine. But she wasn’t thinking about that, not now...

“This looks good!” she said, pointing to a spot in the sand and handing Julia a bucket. “Can you fill this with water? Then I’ll show you the secret.”

“Okay!” Julia took the bucket and ran off towards the ocean, Courtney spreading out a towel and watching her closely. The water in the bay was calm and gentle, and while she knew the 7-year-old would be fine, she didn’t want any accidents.

“Courtney!”

Courtney glanced up to see Violet, walking down the beach towards her, tote bag in hand.

“Hey! What’s up?”

“I made you something.”

“You did? For me?” Courtney smiled. “What?”

“... A sketch? For the jacket?” Violet said, a small smile playing on her face, as if she couldn’t believe Courtney had already forgotten. “From yesterday.”

“Oh. Right.” Courtney blushed, waving to Julia as she scampered back from the water, now able to turn fully towards Violet.

“So, it’s a truly horrendous piece of… clothing, but I think I made something you might like.” Violet reached into her tote, taking out a thick piece of paper, and Courtney gasped.

“It’s a completely different jacket!” Courtney grabbed the paper, holding it up in the light so she could see it. It was drawn in soft watercolors, but Violet had managed to keep the rainbow theme, the new cut she had suggested giving it a much more current and young vibe, while the simple buttons, the denim material and the strategically placed rhinestones somehow aged it up to almost be appropriate for any adult that actually wanted to wear a full rainbow. Courtney was elated at how much better the new version looked. Maybe her new collection would be wearable after all.

“Hi Violet,” Julia said, settling down in the sand.

“Oh,” Violet shifted. “Hi.” Juju’s twins were at that awkward age where they were almost real people, but not quite, and it was very unsettling.

“Courtney’s gonna teach me the secret to making creepy sand witches’ castles.”

“That’s...nice.”

“Get it? Sand witch?” Julia asked gleefully.

Violet blinked down at her, and Courtney stifled a laugh, putting a hand on the little girl’s back.

“Okay, first we need to make a nice tall mound for the base. That’s right, work on that.” Courtney turned back to Violet. “That jacket is amazing. Have you thought about any of the other designs?”

“I may have...made a few more sketches.” Violet bit her lip, clutching the sketch book. “I was gonna work on some more now...do you wanna go over them...later?”

“Sure!” Courtney grinned up at her. “How do you feel about the title ‘Creative Director’?”

Violet laughed. “Sure.”

“I’m serious.”

“Oh...” Violet looked at Courtney, like she was still searching her face for traces of a lie. “Well... We’ll see.”

“Is this good?” Julia asked.

“That is the most perfect mound I’ve ever seen!” Courtney told her. “Okay, are you ready for the secret part?”

“Yes!”

“Um…so...”

“Do you wanna hang out with us and work here?” Courtney patted the towel beside her, and Violet shook her head. “You sure? I’m about to reveal a pretty cool secret…”

“No thanks,” Violet said with a light chuckle. “I’ll see you later.”

“Okay.” Courtney smiled again.

“Bye Violet!” Julia called, then clutched Courtney’s arm. “Show me show me!”

“Alright, pumpkin.”

/////

“Oh my god…” Raven groaned with delight, biting into a sugary, cream-filled donut. With a crispy outside and a soft, pillowy center, drizzled with the perfect amount of doce de leite. Heaven.

“You want me to leave you two alone, or…?” Juju teased, taking a bite of her panna cotta.

“Shut up, I’m having a moment,” Raven said.

“Yeah, I can tell. Let me know if you need a change of panties.”

Raven laughed and punched her lightly on the shoulder.

“Just let me enjoy the afternoon, bitch! I have two babies; I never get me time.”

“You have two nannies, too. Your whole life is me time,” Juju countered.

“Okay, do you know what it’s like managing two nannies and a housekeeper? Because that is noteasy.”

“No, can’t say I do. But if I want to know, I’ll be sure to ask Raja.”

Raven let out an indignant little shriek, then picked her donut up again.

“You’re my real friend,” she said to the pastry, taking another bite as Juju laughed beside her.

/////

“Hey, guys.” Alaska approached Courtney and Julia, who were still busy making tall, drippy sandcastles.

“Look!” Julia cried, happily showing off her creation.

“That’s amazing!”

“It’s a castle for a sand witch!”

“Sand witch?” Alaska laughed at the silly pun, while made Julia giggle.

“Courtney taught me how to do this drippy thing, wanna see?”

“Totally.” Alaska knelt down, watching Julia drip the wet sand through her fingers, adding to her already towering castle. “That is a very cool technique.”

“I know,” Julia said, beaming and hugging Courtney around the waist.

“Is there no end to your talent, Court?”

“I’m just trying to stay out of trouble,” Courtney laughed.

“Trouble?”

Courtney’s eyes shifted over to the nearby lounge chairs, where Bianca was sitting, oiled up, skin already glowing with a healthy bronze tan. She’d pulled the straps of her bathing suit down off her shoulders, giving Courtney an even better look at her cleavage. From this angle, she looked like a 50’s pinup girl, and all Courtney could think about was sinking her teeth into the smooth skin of her perfect thighs.

Alaska followed Courtney’s gaze and let out a little chuckle.

“Having some...self control issues?”

“You could say that,” Courtney admitted, biting her lip. “But I’m trying to take precautions.”

Courtney wiggled her fingers, showing off her decadent stiletto nails, and Alaska laughed, shaking her head.

“Trust me, girl...those are not gonna stop you. But I wish you the best of luck.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Julia asked, head tilted curiously.

“Um, we’re talking about...the tickle monster!” Courtney grabbed her and began to tickle her, causing her to shriek with happy laughter.

/////

The fact that he had managed to slip away undetected should probably have made him feel bad, but honestly, Patrick only really felt ecstatic at the fact that he avoided an afternoon of beach activities and jet skis. He had made his way to the top of the boat, setting up so he could easily see and hear the entire party going on, in case Fame needed him.

For now, however, he was beyond happy to just sit down, the budget his assistant had mailed him and one of the staff had kindly printed in hand along with a red pen, the sounds of everyone floating to him on the wind, as he got down to work.

/////

“Hey, lil bear…” Jinkx wrapped her arms around Adore’s shoulders from behind, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek. “How are you, baby?”

“I’m good!” Adore swallowed her mouthful of paella, picking up a piece of fried calamari. “Trying to sober up so that I can ride on one of those sick jet skis.”

“Mmm, sounds fun.” Jinks settled down onto the bench beside Adore, adjusting her hat.

“You wanna join? They said that Courtney and I could do it after lunch.”

“Uh, no. Not really my thing. But I’ll be cheering you on.”

“Fair enough.” Adore took a huge bite of a shrimp pastel.

“So...do you think we could have a little chat, just the two of us?” Jinkx asked, voice low. “When you’re done eating.”

Adore’s blood ran cold, unfinished pastel paused in mid air. Shit.

“Sure. I mean...I don’t know when I’ll be done, though. Did you see that spread? Ha ha,” Adore laughed weakly.

“I know, it’s fucking awesome!” Detox agreed, devouring a bowl of moqueca like he needed it to live.

“Right, but...look, I’ve really been wanting to talk to you, babe,” Jinkx tried again, tucking a lock of Adore’s hair behind her ear.

“Yeah, too bad we don’t live together!” Adore joked.

“Dore.”

“Be right back, Imma go get seconds!” Adore jumped up from the table and raced back to the buffet.

Jinkx let out a sigh, then saw Alaska glowering at her from across the beach.

“Ugh, don’t start, I tried.” Jinkx knew Alaska couldn't hear her, but she still wanted to say the words.

“What?” Detox looked up from his plate.

“Nothing.”

/////

“Well that looks, complicated.” Fame took a sip of her drink, looking over at Raven.

She was standing in the water nearby, trying to get both of her twins to sit still on a big flat rock. They were dressed in crocheted mermaid costumes and giant ridiculous flower headbands.

“Tanya! Smile for Mommy! Smile!”

Detox stood by, snapping photos, the man clearly finding the entire thing beyond amusing.

“You should see the shopping session.” Raja bit into a strawberry. “They had custom Dolce & Gabbana jackets.”

Fame shook her head. Her friend was truly delirious. She had always known that Raven would go completely overboard, but it was still somewhat unsettling to see toddlers that were only serving as playthings for their mother, though Fame would never dream of saying it. She loved Raja too much, and it was never wise to get in an argument with a business partner. Fame turned away from the beach, the amusement of toddlers in mermaid costumes already passed, as Courtney and Adore rode by on their jet skis.

Raja watched Fame’s face fall. They hadn’t had a chance to discuss the fact that Courtney had showed up, both of them too busy, but Raja could see it as plain as day on Fame’s face that she was unhappy with the turn of events, though she was sure Fame would look exactly the same to anyone who hadn’t worked with her for more than a decade. Raja didn’t care about a lot of people, but she did care about Fame, the blonde somehow worming her way into her heart and staying there.

“So, how are you holding up?”

“Holding up?” Fame bit her lip, so clearly lying it was almost pathetic. “I’m holding up amazingly.”

Raja smiled. “Don’t lie to me. I know you too well for that.”

Fame sighed. “I’m fine.”

“Just know that I’m here.” Raja touched Fame’s shoulder. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

/////

“Augh!” Courtney shrieked, as Adore rode by, dangerously close, spraying her with water. The two of them were tooling around the bay on jet skis, having beelined for them the second lunch was over. Adore could barely listen to the instructions, she was so anxious to get on.

“Is this what it would feel like to ride a motorcycle?” she yelled to Courtney.

“I think this is probably way more fun than a motorcycle!” Courtney shouted back. She sped up, chasing Adore around the boat, seeing Bianca standing on the dock, watching them, a drink in hand.

“B, you’re missing out!” Adore called to her. “Too bad you’re so old and no fun at all!”

Bianca raised her middle finger. Courtney slowed her own jet ski, looking up at her with a cheeky grin.

“Wanna get on?” Courtney asked.

“Uh, I don’t think so,” Bianca chuckled.

“Why… Ya scared?” Courtney revved the engine, riding in a slow circle, and Bianca smirked at her. She sucked down the last of her cocktail, setting her glass down and taking off her cover-up.

“Scared...pffft,” she scoffed, slipping on a life jacket, handed to her by the steward trying to keep them all from killing themselves. “How the fuck am I supposed to do this, anyway?”

The steward beckoned Courtney forward, helping support Bianca’s weight while she lowered herself down, hands gripping Courtney’s shoulders.

Bianca eventually settled in just behind Courtney, pressed into her back.

“It’s probably better to hold onto her waist,” the steward told her.

Bianca swallowed, placing her hands around Courtney’s waist, feeling those abs under her hands.

“Are you good?” Courtney asked.

“I’m good.” She then let out a gasp as the jet ski lurched forward, Courtney accelerating quickly, causing her to hold on tighter. “Fucking hell!”

Courtney giggled, gunning it even faster, loving the feel of Bianca’s thighs gripping hers, arms now tightly wrapped around her waist, lips inches from her neck, where the hair was standing on end. The faster she went, the closer Bianca held her, and so she zipped around the bay like a demon out of hell.

Bianca’s heart pounded, cheeks feeling hot and flushed as she pressed close to Courtney, clinging to her. Why did she think this was a good idea? And why did Courtney always have to feel so fucking perfect in her arms? She cursed internally, kicking herself for letting her feelings run away with her. Honestly, it was unlikely that Courtney was thinking about her as anything more than an ex. Her best friend’s sister.

Of course, then a hand reached down, gently squeezing her thigh, as Courtney asked, “Everything okay, B?”

“Ahem…Yeah. Everything’s fine. You’re an excellent driver.”

Courtney giggled, leaning back into her arms, and Bianca felt her icy heart melt a little.

/////

“Almost seems fun.” Karl looked at the jet skis, the sounds of Adore’s screams carrying from the distance.

“Almost being the keyword.” Sutan laughed. “Remember when we went to Sunny Beach? In Bulgaria?”

“You almost died.”

“And who’s fault that was?”

Karl rolled his eyes. “No one forced you to drink a double whale and go swimming.”

Sutan smiled. “Everything seems like a good idea when you’re high on coke.” They were some of the last to make their way towards the boat, the two friends having spent time at the beach, looking for seashells for Sutans mom, Karl’s pockets filled with conchs of different shapes and sizes. Sutan threw an arm around Karl’s shoulder. “Thank god we don’t do that anymore, huh?”

“Yeah... Thank god.”

/////

“I like your bracelet.”

Violet looked up from her magazine, surprised etched into her features at Fame’s voice, the blonde standing behind her deck chair, a small smile on her perfect face. They had all returned to the boat, the giant ship now cruising through the water to whatever destination Fame planned for next.

“I…” Violet touched her bracelet. “I, umh. Thank you.” It was a thin golden band, the metal woven together, and Violet had fallen in love with it the first time she had seen it.

“Where did you get it?”

“I found it at TILT.”

“Oh, so it’s vintage?”

Violet nodded. She was unsure why Fame was being so welcoming towards her, her mind briefly wondering if Sutan had asked Fame to keep an eye on her, but that didn’t make sense.

Violet stood up, ready to respond to Fame’s question, when her world turned dark.

/////

Courtney climbed out of the hot tub and onto the deck, muscles loose and relaxed. The evening air had turned chilly, sun low in the sky, and she shivered.

“Need a towel?”

Bianca caught her eye, giving a half smile, unable to stop thinking about their jet ski ride.

“Yeah, thanks.” Courtney hugged her arms, and Bianca stepped forward with a large beach towel from the shelf, wrapping it around her shoulders.

The gesture was more intimate than she’d planned. She looked into Courtney’s eyes, lashes wet with tiny beads of water, and gulped. But at the same time, she didn’t really want to look away.

And it appeared that she wasn’t the only one, Courtney holding her gaze, an inscrutable smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

“Violet!”

A sudden shriek pierced the air, Fame’s voice ringing out, snapping both Bianca and Courtney out of their little daze.