#but this left such a weird taste in my mouth. i dunno

[blueberrisdove-sideblog]

Caleb touching and sucking mc’s tits for the first time after seeing her on a low cut top without a bra. He was very nervous but couldn’t help it🤍

．— ℱ）𝓌𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 ：fem!reader ．nsfw．boob obsessed Caleb．tit fucking ．boob sucking ．submissive Caleb ＆ other stuff!

Caleb wasn’t the type to lose control easily. He prided himself on his self-restraint, on keeping a level head even in the most tempting situations.

But when you walked into his room wearing that low-cut top—without a bra—he felt his entire body betray him.

He tried not to stare. He really tried. But the way the fabric clung to your skin, the soft curves of your tits teasing him with every movement, made it impossible. His mouth felt dry, his fingers twitching where they rested on his knee.

You flopped onto his bed, stretching your arms above your head, and his eyes immediately dropped to the way your chest lifted with the motion. He bit the inside of his cheek so hard he swore he tasted blood.

“You’re acting weird,” you teased, tilting your head at him.

He scoffed, but it sounded too forced. “No, I’m not.”

You followed his gaze, then glanced down at yourself, a knowing smile playing on your lips. “Oh…” Your voice was light, teasing. “Are you staring at my—?”

“Don’t,” he muttered, rubbing his palm over his face.

But you only giggled, shifting closer until your knees bumped his. “Do you wanna touch them?”

Caleb stiffened, breath catching in his throat. “What?”

You reached for his hand, guiding it over your chest, and his fingers curled instinctively around the soft warmth. His entire body tensed. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think.

“Fuck pipsqueak,” he exhaled, barely above a whisper. His thumb grazed over your nipple, feeling it stiffen beneath his touch, and something primal stirred deep in his stomach.

Your breath hitched, the sound so quiet yet so devastating that his restraint snapped. He leaned in, pressing his lips to your collarbone, kissing his way down to the exposed skin of your chest. His tongue flicked out, testing, tasting, before he wrapped his lips around your nipple and sucked.

A sharp gasp left your lips, and your fingers immediately tangled in his hair, pulling him closer. He groaned against your skin, his hands gripping your waist as he took more of you into his mouth, sucking harder, letting his teeth graze just enough to make you shiver.

“You—fuck, Caleb,” you whimpered, arching into him, and that was it. That was the sound that ruined him.

His hands roamed greedily, his mouth moving between your tits, kissing, licking, devouring every inch you offered him. He didn’t even know what he was doing anymore—all he knew was that he needed more. More of your skin, more of your moans, more of you.

And from the way you clung to him, breathless and desperate, you needed it too.

Caleb was completely unraveling beneath you. The way his breath hitched, the way his fingers trembled against your skin—it was addicting. He wasn’t in control anymore, and you loved it.

“Pipsqueak,” he groaned, voice shaky, like he was barely holding himself together. “You’re—fuck—y’know what you’re doing, don’t you?”

You hummed, sliding your hands down his chest, feeling the way it rose and fell in uneven breaths. His cock strained against his pants, so obvious, so desperate, and the way he twitched beneath you sent a thrill down your spine.

“I dunno,” you murmured, trailing your fingers lower. “You’re the one shaking, Caleb.”

He let out a choked noise when you palmed him through the fabric, his hips jerking up into your touch. “Shut up,” he tried, but there was no bite behind it. If anything, he sounded needy.

You tugged at his waistband, watching his breath stutter as you freed him from the confines of his pants. His cock was flushed, leaking at the tip, and he twitched at the cool air. You pressed a teasing kiss to his stomach, grinning when he sucked in a sharp breath.

“You’re so hard already,” you whispered. “Is it ‘cause I let you suck on my tits, Caleb?”

His face burned. “Pipsqueak—”

You cut him off by pressing your tits together around his cock, watching as his head fell back against the pillows. His lips parted, breathless, and you felt a rush of satisfaction at the sight.

“Shit,” he whimpered, hands gripping the sheets. You rolled your hips slightly, adding just enough pressure as you moved, and he cursed under his breath.

He was falling apart so easily.

“You’re so sensitive,” you teased, lifting yourself slightly before pressing back down, letting his cock slide between the soft warmth of your chest. “You like this, don’t you?”

He let out the most pathetic whimper, his hips bucking up into you. “F-fuck, yes.”

You leaned in, letting your breath ghost over the head of his cock, and his entire body tensed. His thighs trembled as you flattened your tongue against the tip of his cock, licking up the precum that had gathered there.

Caleb moaned, gripping the sheets tighter. “Pipsqueak—please—”

You smirked. He was begging now?

“Please what?” You dragged out the words, slowing your movements just to watch him suffer.

His head snapped forward, eyes blown wide with desperation. His lips parted, trying to form words, but all that came out was desperate, breathless whimper.

God, he was so easy to break.

And you weren’t done with him yet.

Caleb was falling apart beneath you. His chest heaved, his fingers twitching where they gripped the sheets, completely at your mercy. His cock throbbed between your boobs, slick with his own precum, and every time you moved, his breath hitched like he was this close to losing himself.

“Look at you,” you murmured, pressing your chest together tighter around him. “So needy… you can’t even handle this, can you?”

He whined, actually whined, his hips jerking up involuntarily. “F-fuck, please—”

“Please what?” You slowed your pace, teasing him, watching his face twist in frustration. His cheeks were flushed, his lips parted as little breathless moans spilled from them.

“Please—ah, shit—please don’t stop.” His voice was wrecked, desperate. “I-I can’t—fuck, I need—”

You smirked, shifting slightly to let your tongue flick over his tip again, tasting the heat of him as he shuddered beneath you.

“Need what, Caleb?” You licked up the underside, slow and deliberate, watching the way his muscles tensed. “Say it.”

His fingers flexed, then clenched the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. His body was trembling, barely able to handle the way you had him trapped between your softness, teasing, dragging out every second just to watch him crumble.

“I need—fuck—I need to cum,” he gasped. “Please, pipsqueak, I—ahh—please.”

God, he was pathetic. A trembling mess beneath you, completely at your mercy, begging like he’d fall apart if you didn’t let him have it.

You smirked, pressing your soft tits even tighter around his cock, moving faster, watching the way his body tensed, the way his thighs shook.

“Then cum for me,” you murmured, licking your lips as his breath caught.

Caleb let out a choked moan, his hips bucking up into the warmth of your chest, his entire body shuddering as he finally broke. His grip on the sheets tightened, back arching as he came undone, spilling between your pillowy tits with a wrecked gasp of your name.

You watched him, drinking in the way he trembled, the way his body sagged into the mattress, utterly spent. His breath was ragged, eyes hazy as he stared at you like you had completely ruined him.

And maybe you had.

His fingers twitched, weakly reaching for you, but he didn’t have the strength to pull you close. You leaned over him anyway, pressing a teasing kiss to his sharp jaw.

“You’re so easy, Caleb,” you whispered. “I might have to do this more often.”

His breath hitched, and even in his wrecked state, you could feel him twitch against your thigh.

Yeah. He was definitely yours now.

© 2024-2025 blueberrisdove-sideblog all rights reserved. pretty please, do not steal my dividers, translate and plagiarize any of my works, or either repost my works in any other platform without asking, thank you!

[clorofolle]

I'm seeing so much oceangate stuff on my dash. I can understand why the media got obsessed with this story, but not why everyone on tumblr did. I'm seeing a lot of posts about the 19 yrs old for example - and yeah, of course I'm sorry for the kid. It sucks. And I get the compassion fatigue. I get not being able to be empathetic and grieve and be mad all day for every single disaster that happens. But I feel like the kind of things you choose to pay more attention to, and why you choose them, should be examined more carefully.

Yes, that kid was 19 and scared shitless of the trip, and it sucks he had to die. But... this was one person, who took a bad decision. You remember the boat full of migrants that capsized off the coats of Greece? There were... hundreds of people there, many of them children. And they were also really scared, and died an horrific death. That's without even taking into account the kind of life they had to endure before, if they thought this was a chance worth taking for something better.

Please, do reflect on what kind of tragedies you see talked about more often. And ask yourself why that happens. I tried giving myself answers - I'm still not sure what's the right one. Is it because tumblr is quite americanocentric, and usually uninterested with events happening in other parts of the word? Is it simply because those were rich people who died, and thus they got more coverage, and people tend to only comment whatever headlines they see that are bigger? Or is it some kind of almost on-purpose turning away from actual, preventable tragedies, ones that are symptomatic of bigger than life societal issues - and instead choosing to focus on what amounts to "rich people drama"? Because, let's be honest: 750 migrants left to die on a boat is just heart wrenching, and makes us feel hopeless and powerless. But four millionares dead for their own stupidity? That stops being a simple tragedy, and starts being entertainment.

If you read this post - if nothing else, I hope it could've helped you reflect on why you engage with the sort of news that you do, and if there's any news that you tend to ignore on purpose instead. I know I do. I'm trying to change.

[mrsbarnesblog]

loyalty

masterlist

summary: Rafe comes back home to you after his meeting with Hollis

word count: 2k.

warnings: smut, established relationship, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, jealousy, reader is slightly insecure

You turned the TV in the living room off as soon as you heard the front door getting closed and the familiar ring of Rafe’s keys being thrown on the table. Patting slowly into the corridor, you bit your lip at the sight of him standing in the hallway, looking sexy as hell in that new sweater of his, and focused on something on his phone. 

“Hey, baby. How did it go?” You stepped closer, dragging Rafe’s attention to you as a soft smile stretched across his face. 

“Thought you were already sleeping.” He put his phone in the back pocket of his pants, now completely focused on you, and pulled you in his arms as soon as you approached him. Rafe hummed in your hair before picking you up from the floor and forcing you to wrap your legs around his waist. “Missed you so much, sweetheart.” 

You giggled at his words, your own hands connecting around Rafe’s neck, feeling every single muscle moving under your fingers. “You saw me like two hours ago.” You mumbled, scratching his neck with your nails, relieving the tension you knew was always present in his body. He silently walked back into the living room, one hand firmly holding you under your thighs, and fell onto the couch's soft cushions. 

You were settled on his lap, your worn-out gray t-shirt lifted up, almost not leaving anything for the imagination. He kissed you roughly and unexpectedly, taking a breath away from your lungs. You moaned into Rafe's mouth, gripping the back of his buzzed head to try to keep up with his pace, but he seemed far too eager for you. 

He finally slightly moved away from you, resting against the back of the couch and looking at you with a lazy smile, while his tongue slowly swiped across his bottom lip, tasting you. Your eyes followed the motion and you shifted on his lap at the sudden pressure in between your legs.  

“Couldn’t wait to get home back to you, baby.” You held back your smile but leaned your head to the side, studying his face. You knew Rafe and knew when there was something on his mind. 

“Did something happen?” You lean closer to his face, resting your hands on the cushions behind him. 

“Didn’t sign that yet... I dunno, something seems off, y’know?” He mumbled and rubbed your legs up and down, as he did whenever he was thinking about something. “And she was hitting on me, like tryna hold my hand and shit.” He didn’t break eye contact with you even when your smile slowly faded and you instantly felt a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. A quiet oh left your lips, as your mind filled with the images of them together, alone on the boat, just a perfect opportunity for someone like Rafe to charm the woman to get more money. “No, no, you’re not moving. You don’t think that I did it, do you?” He tightened his grip on you when you attempted to leave his lap.

“I mean…” You casually shrugged your shoulders, which made Rafe actually laugh in disbelief. 

“You mean?” His hand took a hold of your face to make you look him in the eyes. “I may be many things but a cheater is not one of them, baby. Shit, actually, her doing all of this made me realize that I can’t even think about anyone but you.” Rafe looked at you, one hand dragging your body up his thighs until you were sitting chest-to-chest. 

“I know that you wouldn’t cheat but...”

“There’s no ‘but’. I told her that I wanted to sign that agreement for both me and you. I’m not interested in anything else. Just you.” You felt like you were melting under his intense stare, because you knew when Rafe said something, he meant it. “You, um… I want it all together, just us, y’know?”

Your heart was beating way too hard to be considered normal. You never expected to hear it from Rafe, always in the back of your mind facing a thought about not being enough, about him leaving you for a better opportunity. No matter how hard you tried to muffle that voice in your head, it always seemed to find a way to you. Yet Rafe had it right in front of him but didn’t do it. 

This time you were the one who kissed him. Fisting the collar of Rafe’s sweater, you pulled him closer to you, even if it was not possible, grinding your hips into his and moaning at the feeling of his hands sneaking under your shirt. 

“Tell me that you’re in it with me, baby. I need to hear it.” He mumbled into your mouth, tracing your stomach and then pinching your nipples in between his fingers. He buckled his hips up into your covered pussy, making you push your lower body back against his to relieve the pressure. 

“I’m with you, Rafe, I promise.” 

Your hands reached between you two, quickly unbuckling Rafe’s belt and barely even pushing his pants and boxers down. You both were too desperate to feel each other, not even bothering to take the clothes off or move to his bedroom. Rafe lifted your hips with one hand, pushing your panties to the side with the other one, while you stroked his throbbing cock. You guided him to your soaked entrance, letting him easily slip inside with the way how wet you were for him. 

“Shi-i-it, baby.” He hissed near your ear, pulling you lower onto him, until you took his whole length. Your nails dug into Rafe’s sweater, and your brows furrowed in pleasure at the delicious stretch that he gave you. “Takin’ me in so well, huh?” His voice was low and rough, sending a shiver down your spine as he held you steady against him. You could feel his breath hot against your ear, and the way he filled you made your head spin, every inch of him pressing deeper.

“Please, I need you.” Whining and pushing your knees against the couch, you barely moved yourself up from Rafe’s length when he pushed you back down, instead taking control of you.  

“God, you’re perfect,” he murmured, his hands gripping your hips tighter as he rocked you slowly, the friction making you moan softly into his neck. “You feel that? Just made for me, baby.” His tone was a mix of praise and hunger, and each word sent heat coursing through your body. “Don’t need anyone else but you.”

You nodded, pulling your face back and resting your forehead against his. The air between you was thick, your mouths hovering close to each other, moaning and groaning with each thrust of Rafe’s hips into yours. His gaze was locked on you, dark blues possessive and filled with lust, which almost made you spiral. 

“You know you’re the only one, right?” Rafe’s voice was a husky whisper, eyes locked on yours with an intensity that made your heart race. “Forget about her. I don’t see anyone but you.” He tilted his head slightly, brushing his lips against yours, teasing, his hands gripping your hips firmly, as if to prove his point. “She doesn’t matter. You’re all I want.”

You kissed him, the jealousy washing away with every word and touch that Rafe gave you. You held his jaw with one hand, sneaking under the sweater with another to slide your nails down his chest. It felt like kissing you made him even more feral, even more greedy, as his grip tightened on your hips, and he fucked into you harder and harder. 

It was impossible to concentrate on anything besides the way his dick was filling you, making your head buzz with white noise from the pleasure. Your eyes started to water, feeling approaching orgasm. Your body almost tried to move away from Rafe’s brutal strokes, but he grabbed your ass, keeping you pinned down, ensuring you took every inch he had to give.

“Mhm, Ray, shit—” Your hoarse voice cracked as you tried to speak, but all that came out was a broken moan. Your eyes rolled back, your hand helplessly sliding down from his face, as you were no longer able to control yourself. Rafe smirked, clearly pleased with how you lost yourself  on top of him, his pace relentless, fucking up into you with bruising force.

“Yeah? You feel that?” He growled, his breath ragged as he watched your face contort in pleasure. “You’re not going anywhere. This is all for you, baby.” His grip tightened, almost painful, as he rocked into you harder, each thrust sending sparks of electricity through your body, pushing you right to the edge. “Cum for me, c’mon.” 

“Rafe—” You gasped, your voice barely a whisper, lost in the haze of pleasure that blurred your thoughts. His hand slid up to cradle the back of your neck, pulling you down so your lips were just inches from his, your breath mingling as you both panted for air.

“That’s it, baby.” He whispered against your lips, his eyes burning with intensity. “Let go. I’ve got you.”

With one final, deep thrust, the coil inside you snapped, your body convulsing as waves of pleasure crashed over you. Your vision blurred, and all you could do was cling to him as your orgasm hit hard, your body trembling uncontrollably in his arms.

Too lost in the pleasure, you barely noticed him grunting your name and then moanning as his own orgasm hit him. Rafe filled you up to the brim, you felt every throb of his cock inside of you, barely able to hold back whimpers from the goosebumps that the feeling of it brought you.

“Good girl.” Rafe murmured, his low voice full of pride and satisfaction as he slowed his movements, letting you ride out your high while holding you close, his forehead still pressed to yours. 

You didn’t know when exactly Rafe pushed your both to your sides, or when did he pulled out of you and fixed your clothes to look more presentable, or when did he pulled a blanket over you. You blinked slowly, looking at his face right in front of you, feeling his delicate fingers pushing the hair away from your face and tracing your jawline and lips. You smiled at the feeling, relishing a rare moment of him being so soft and relaxed. 

“So what are you gotta do now?” You asked, your voice barely above a whisper as you watched him, curiosity mingling with concern. The playful glint in his eyes shifted for a moment, revealing the weight of the situation.

Rafe leaned in closer, his expression shifting from relaxed to focused. “Well, Hollis thinks she can play me. Thinks I’m an idiot, but I’m not. I’m not about to let that happen.” He replied, his tone low, sarcastic. “I’ll need to keep her close, let her think she’s in control, but really? I’m just waiting for the right moment to turn the tables.”

“You’re not.” You soothed when you saw annoyance start to rise in him. You placed your hand on top of his, giving a comforting squeeze. “I believe in you, and I know you’re gonna do the right thing. Maybe she’ll know better for trying to steal you away from me.”

A smirk tugged at his lips, and he nodded, the tension in his shoulders easing a bit. “Damn right, she will. I’m not going anywhere, especially not with you by my side.” He leaned in, capturing your lips in a soft kiss and bringing you even closer to his body. 

[steddieas-shegoes]

matches my weird

for @steddielovemonth inspired by the quote "we are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - dr. seuss

rated t | 1069 words | no cw | tags: pre-relationship, steve has a crush on eddie, open ending but assume they're gonna kiss later

🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒

Steve knows it’s gross, which is why he never does it when someone else is around. He opens the jar of pickles and the jar of peanut butter.

He scoops out a spoonful of peanut butter because he’s not an animal. He would never risk pickle juice getting in the jar when so many people come over to his house and ransack his cabinets. God forbid Robin try to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and end up with the taste of pickle on it.

She hates pickles almost as much as she hates Vecna. Seriously.

He dips the pickle into the peanut butter and puts it up to his mouth to take a bite.

“What is happening right now?” Eddie’s voice is high pitched and Steve jumps, nearly dropping his snack.

“What are you doing here?” Steve asks. He can’t hide what he’s doing at this point, so he might as well embrace it.

“I left my jacket here last night, remember? I called and told you I would be by to get it before I went to work?”

Eddie is holding said jacket in his hands and looks…not as disgusted as he probably should be. He just looks surprised.

“Oh, right.” Steve does vaguely remember this phone call, but he was half asleep this morning when Eddie called. He can’t be blamed for forgetting.

“Are you putting peanut butter on your pickles?” Eddie asks as he steps closer.

“I obviously am,” Steve replies.

“Bread and butter?” Eddie clarifies.

Steve checks the jar to be sure. “Yeah.”

“You should try it with the dill ones.”

Steve blinks. “Huh?”

“The regular dill ones are really good in peanut butter. These ones are too, but the savory– Oh! And the sweet and sour ones! I ran out of peanut butter once and used chocolate syrup. Wasn’t as good, but got the job done,” Eddie explains as he walks over and takes a pickle from the jar to dip into the scoop of peanut butter.

“Um. What are you doing?”

“I’ve never known anyone else to do this! I did it when I was little and Wayne thought it was gross, but he always kept pickles and peanut butter in the house for me,” Eddie shrugs as he chews.

“This isn’t you just trying to make me feel like I’m not weird?” Steve doesn’t think someone would go to such lengths, especially not Eddie, but who knows.

“No. Who would do that?”

“I…dunno. I didn’t know anyone else did this. It’s kinda weird.”

“Yeah, have you met me?” Eddie laughs. “I’m a pretty weird guy. Wait until you see what I do to my hot chocolate.”

“What do you do?” Steve takes another bite.

“This is Wayne’s fault, but I usually make it with a mix of milk and cola.”

Steve makes a face, but immediately realizes that’s actually probably pretty good. He’s heard of people using cola in chocolate cake before, so why not make hot chocolate with cola?

“I should try that,” he says.

“Yeah, I can make it for you after work if you want. I only have a four hour shift today.”

“I can go get some hot chocolate packets from the store.”

“We don’t need packets if you have syrup,” Eddie says.

“I always have syrup. El and Dustin drink chocolate milk every time they’re here,” Steve sits back in his chair. “But is that really gonna make it sweet enough?”

“Trust me, Harrington.”

“I do.”

It’s a loaded sentence, and Steve recognizes almost immediately that it’s a bit heavy for a very simple discussion about hot chocolate. His face is warm as he reaches over to grab another pickle from the jar.

“So…I can be here around eight?” Eddie continues after a long pause.

“Yeah, man, sounds good.”

Eddie reaches over Steve to get another pickle from the jar. Steve holds his breath as their arms brush against each other. His heart stops for a moment.

“You know, Wayne always says I gotta find someone just as weird as me. I don’t think he meant this, but maybe it’s that simple.”

Steve blinks, staring ahead so he doesn’t do something stupid like stand up and kiss Eddie or pull him into his lap. Now’s not the time to explore the feelings he’s had simmering in his gut for months, not when Eddie has to go to work. They’ve got plans later, maybe he can be brave about it then.

“Anyways! See ya later, Steve.”

Eddie leaves. Steve waits until he hears his truck start up before he throws his head back and groans. He’s ridiculous.

The phone rings and he groans again. He’s almost positive he knows who it is, and her timing is always impeccable.

“Hello?”

“Steve. You have to hear what Keith just told a customer. We would have been fired it it was us,” Robin whispers into the phone.

“Are you calling me while Keith is next to you?”

“Obviously I am.”

Steve huffs a laugh. “What did he say?”

“He told them that if they wanted to watch kid movies as an adult, they should keep that to themselves,” Robin sounds half-crazed. “I promise it sounded more scathing when he said it. The customer left and said he’d never come back. But I always got the creeps from that guy anyway. You know the one who always asks if I turned 18 yet?”

“Gross. Hate that guy. Maybe he won’t come back,” Steve says as he closes the peanut butter jar. “Hey, you know how I have a crush on Eddie?”

“Duh,” Robin says, half-distracted.

“Think I’m gonna do something about it tonight.”

He’s met with silence.

“You there?”

“I’ve been trying to get you to do something about it for a month now. Why tonight?”

Steve looks at the jar of pickles and smiles. “Because our weird matches.”

“O…kayyyy. You’re probably right about that.” He hears Keith say something about getting off the phone. “I gotta go, but good luck with that tonight.”

“Thanks, Robs. Do you like pickles dipped in peanut butter?”

“That’s disgusting, Steve. Seriously.”

“Just checking.”

“Do you?” Robin asks, but Keith starts yelling about personal calls on the clock and she rushes to hang up the phone before he can answer.

Steve hangs up and leans his head back against the wall.

“He matches my weird,” Steve sighs, smiling to himself.

[mgu-h]

a bookkeeper for the people, thank you for your services 🫡

aww im just glad other people are crazy about them too!! i also keep track of things i heard repeatedly from both max and lando, or representative phrases, in order to make their dialogue sound better. if anyone is interested in some nortrell vocabulary quirks (and additional nortrell research and analysis):

phrases they both use:

That’s mint

You muppet

Let’s go!!!!

Waffling

[Anything], mate

Cheers, bro

We’ve sussed it

You idiot

Fuck off

Knob, knobhead

Bloke, brev/bruv

~Very good very nice~

Scavs (Tarkov)

Fluked it (golf)

GGs, chat

lando specifically:

‘Cause

[something], baby

C’mon Maxy boy

Oh my godt

Mega

It smells to / tastes to

Frickin’, freaking (less so now)

[Indeterminate happy Lando noises]

[Annoying tapping or leg bouncing]

Nugget

Numpty

Joker

That's naughty

Why? (demanding)

Moron

Twat

[Criticizes himself in the 3rd person]

max specifically:

Horrendous

Look at the state of you

Fucking hell, mate

For fuck’s sake

Jesus Christ

[repeats himself until Lando acknowledges what he said]

Shut the fuck up, I’m done

That is good, I'll give you that

Normal, normally

Don’t pull that face, none of that

Pal, buddy

Brilliant

No chance

We’ll fall out

That’s crap

What is wrong with you

All right!

It’s doing my fucking head in  

An absolute fucking shocker 

Are you mental

Fair play

Good lad

Honestly

other references (longer quotes, an argument transcript, relative bio of teen years, lando analysis):

Lando, mouth full, trying to communicate through just noises “mmm… mhhph mmmf” Max replies “I normally understand those to a degree, but that was another level” 

Max loses his patience “Stop, like why are you tapping so loud. You know what you’re really good at? Finding a fucking annoying noise to make, and then just constantly doing it.”

Lando said, “I don’t have it, Max.” Max replied, “The fact that you said my name there means you’re trying to lie or something, that’s weird, you don’t normally say that”

Lando said, “One of the things I hate the most is being bad at something.” 

[If you in any way question Max’s fashion or make a comment about his hair he will spiral and say] “Wha’ d’you mean?”

After Max ends the unhinged “golden cock” Sergei/Alexander banter, Lando tries to get back to the game, his voice returned to normal, and Max is incredulous. “Don’t just come in here like "what’s next?" all normal, like nothing happened.”

Max told Lando he would be “back in 27 seconds” because "i needed him to know i'd thought about exactly how long i would be gone before i left, instead of saying 30 seconds, which could mean anything,"

Max saw Lando before he knew him, he doesn’t remember why he was at the karting track, Lando was driving around in a little kart, he was “just tiny, mate,“ nine years old. Max even remembers the black and orange helmet Lando’d been wearing, and he just watched him for a few laps. (“You were just watching?” / “Yeah someone said, that kid won, or something.” / “I never won a race in cadets” / “They must have just said you were fast”) bankai asked: “have you been following bob around since he was nine” and max says “original fanboy”

Max talking about watching an unboxed with Lando, “I like watching them, but it is weird seeing you in them.” “Why?” “I dunno… just, I don’t know. Just don’t see you as that ‘F1 Driver,’ it’s weird. It’s just different for me.”—[Lando laughs]—“They are cool.”

Max taking too long to come back to the game, Lando sounded mad. “Stop fucking kissing her, Max, and hurry the fuck up.”

Monaco argument >> In a Dec 2021 stream, (chat called Max Lando's dog and his wag, he refuted both claims), they had an argument about max moving to monaco, lando insisting he's protecting max from being lonely and max telling him HE'LL get lonely. max claiming being alone in monaco wouldn't even bother him if he's streaming and offering to take care of the house. lando denying him, saying he's taking care of max and max's slightly sullen "thanks mate" and his Jokes like "chat, he doesn't want me there. he's ditched me. it's over. relationship's over. it's done." like the energy of the entire conversation is that they've had it many times before and max is not easy and compliant with lando leaving him behind, but lando is not listening because he's sure he knows better

Lando yelling at Max to kill a scav, Max did, but not fast enough, Lando was muttering under his breath and Max paused to take out an earbud, "Are you giving me attitude?" and then when Lando continued to bitch, mimed throwing the water from Lando's waterbottle on him

Lando ranting on iRacing in Sept 2024 that "people in racing think you never have to back out, no matter what, like that's somehow become a rule" (in iracing? he was asked) "no, in real life as well. Somehow it's become a Thing that you never have to back out, you're somehow always in the right."

Max saying "I don't want to be alone again" about getting into a different heat on iRacing and Lando singing back "story of my life..."

Lando will say things like "Look at my perfection, look at how well I do or did, I was unstoppable," other bragging just to piss Max off

Yes / No / Yes / No arguments (they just say the same statements with different and more pointed inflection each time as if to make the other person accept by force of will without any actual convincing or argument, just emphasis, as if the one who is more certain will win and the more unsure one will yield the point and pivot to a new one or end the argument. one of them always yields and pivots after a few back-and-forths)

Lando says Max is "struggling be cause he's not been kissed in the last five minutes" and that in his group chat "I record every time they kiss in public" (Max protests that he just makes the number up, like the time he said they'd kissed 44 times before 10am and Lando said "I swear it's true") and that he "can't describe how awkward it is going around with Max because he's freaking kissing" and like Lando will be driving the car in the front and all he can hear is wet kissing sounds from behind him.

Lando said about Max kissing "He just goes in so fast, you know like all the nerds you see on the movies where they kind of shut their eyes and like" he mimicked both Max sticking out his tongue and making exaggerated Mwah sounds

Max said Lando often struggles at golf but "every two months or so he'll have a blinder, and then he'll be in absolute turmoil again"

the whole recurring bit with them sharing a wardrobe, the Quadrant video with the "whose shoes are those?" "whose joggers are those? "whose hoodie is that?" bit, something the fact that it kept going even after they moved apart like in singapore 2022 lando claims max is wearing his pants, shoes, and top, and max denies it

Lando listens to the voice notes he gets in DMs and goes through them, sometimes with his mates, to laugh. He says sometimes they're very weird, that "Some people are up to no good in their lives and need to focus on.... other things... but they are funny, they are just weird. The voice notes always make me laugh."

Lando interview with Tom Daley->"I am a competitive guy and I hate losing. So you put that all together and I love being in control. I hate being out of control, so like I hate being a passenger in a car. I really hate it unless I'm like backseat you know headphones on watching a movie. I'm a terrible terrible passenger cuz I don't feel in control of of what's happening."

Random Facts

By April 2023, Max had never seen Star Wars

Lando wears size 9 shoes or 8.5, he said his feet were a tiny bit bigger than Max's, but who knows if he's telling the truth about that as they can share shoes

When asked what animal he would reincarnate as, Lando said hippopotamus and Max said sea urchin (so he can he in the ocean and stab people when they step on you) or plankton 

Lando always tries to get off the plane fast, impatient, walking quickly, doesn’t like getting stuck behind people

Lando said Mcdonalds chicken nuggets may be the best things ever made

Lando used to play around with a lighter

Max drinks tea quite strong

There were periods when Lando was younger where he’d play games for 36 hours straight

Max's eyes are green, Lando's are blue gray (when he built his VR character he gave it blue eyes) but have some golden brown threads in the middle that I think can make them seem greenish in some lights

Lando likes to travel with a book to look smart but he never reads it just carries it around or puts it on the table.

Lando snores loudly and people have complained about it

Max likes cats despite being allergic, Lando likes dogs more

Lando's brother's dog is named Uno. Max had a cats named Lala growing up. His family has a cat named Bobby (not after Lando, allegedly).

Lando likes to wear hoodies because they make his long neck less noticeable

Lando travels heavy with every possible bag, shoe bag, rucksack, all his computer stuff (“Im such a nerd”). He's got a tablet for movies and some games, work emails but he rarely checks those 

Lando smells like Sure deodorant, and a mix of Louis Vuitton L'Immensite, Tom Ford Ombré Leather, and Dior Sauvage. He likes the smell of all of them so he puts them all on.

Lando works harder on strengthening his neck compared to some other drivers, as others can rest their head against the side while turning to deal with the G-forces, but if Lando tries that and gets his eyes off-level, he can't drive. His brain doesn't like it.

Lando will nap and his neck will be at a 90 degree angle

Max's birthday is July 29 and Lando's is November 13, both 1999

Here's the link to the bios of people who show up in Max's chat

When Lando was around 13-14yo he would spend days on designs for stickers for people's phones or visors, and would go around the paddock in karting trying to sell them to earn a little money.

Lando's favorite gifts are really big paintings people have done that he can put on his walls

When asked what kind of dad he wanted to be, he said "strict"

Relative Biographies

So Lando’s dad’s British and his mom is from Belgium, not that it matters but I think he was raised somewhere in the country near Glastonbury in Somerset. He has an older brother and two younger sisters. Max’s parents are also from the UK but he spent his youngest years in Singapore and Malaysia, his dad’s in finance. He has a younger brother.

Max started karting in Asia, and started winning everything there, just like crazy talented and obsessed with racing. His parents decided to move back to the UK largely to let him get on the European karting track (the only one that really matters to get to the highest tiers of motorsport). He moved back to the UK when he was like 9 or 10 to kart.  I think I saw that he was homeschooled, so basically all in on karting.

While Max and Lando started karting together in 2010 with Ricky Flynn Motorsport, Max said he remembers seeing Lando practicing before they met, so back in 2009 soon after moving to the UK. They spent a lot of those formative years of 10-13 together, traveling all over for races and competing against each other. Lando became the youngest karting world champion in 2013, and Max was not, but he was competitive and they were on the podium a lot together at that time.

Lando moved up to car racing in 2014, but Max did not. It took until 2015 for him. Lando was younger than him, but already ahead. It’s hard to overstate just how fast Lando shot up through the lower ranks to the very highest tier of motorsport by the time he was 18, with McLaren putting him on teams with Fernando Alonso and things. He won everything he tried on the first attempt and moved up. Max’s career was respectable, but it wasn’t like that. 

In 2015 Max started racing single-seaters, and Lando won British F4, and started going abroad and started winning there too, in Italy, in New Zealand. Max wasn’t there yet. In 2016 Max did British F4 with Carlin, a good team, winning the championship at the final race at Brands Hatch. Lando won Formula Renault, among other things. He won a couple awards at Motorsport Awards.

In 2017 Max’s first year of Formula Renault was mixed, winning the rookies’ title but was not super high in the championship, meanwhile Lando won F3.

The next year Max switched to a more successful team and did win the Eurocup in 2018, and got into the Renault driver academy. Lando got second in F2, despite leading most of the season, because of some unfortunate DNFs later in the season, George won. He was also on reserve for McLaren and drove in a F1 practice session.

In 2019 Max drove in F3, got a couple of podium finishes, but got 10th overall. 2019 of course was Lando’s first season in F1 and the birth of the Carlando juggernaut, he was a very successful rookie and rising star. He was streaming on Twitch more regularly, and got Max to set up his own Twitch channel in September 2019, to as few as like 15 viewers, playing games and hanging out with chat and Lando’s building a platform there too,

In 2020 Max raced in F3 again, but he dropped out before the end of the season, and has said that he struggled with depression. He moved back in with his parents. Lando got first F1 podium and had a great year, got huge on twitch, and he founded quadrant, became CEO of his little brand media company thing. I think he was living alone in his house in Woking. 

2021 Lando’s career continues to do well, podiums and things. He almost wins at Sochi but misjudged the wet tires and slid in a really heartbreaking final laps thing. I don’t know what Max was up to early in the year, I suspect kind of aimless playing golf and streaming on Twitch and figuring things out, but by the middle of the year, Lando announced him as part of quadrant and had Max move in with him. 

They streamed together and were stupid domestic, sharing clothes sometimes. I think they were both single at the beginning but had girlfriends by the end of their time together. Living together ended at the end of the year before Lando moved to Monaco and refused to bring Max along because he didn’t want to be lonely even though Max obviously really wanted to come and even offered to like take care of the house etc. Just a wild convo they had on stream in Dec 2021. 

Lando Analysis

SO on one hand, lando's a simple guy in his mid-twenties with ordinary human needs, like he needs to eat, sleep, be active, play games, socialize, race, etc. he travels and stays fit, drives the car, parties and rests. most of the time he's not in distress. he enjoys life and gets to do lots of cool things. on the other hand, he’s a seething mess of ego and insecurities with complex emotional needs.

his ego is pretty big, like despite being humble about it, he knows he’s one of the best in the world at an incredibly strenuous and glamorous activity. he has the confidence it requires to get behind the wheel of an F1 car and risk all that danger to defeat legendary champions. he didn't win for a long time, but he bought into the mclaren project and stuck it out there for long enough to win.

he also has the confidence (and money) to start a company, the insight and experience about the internet to build a brand, all his years online taught him a great deal, and he has a large team of smart people around him helping him succeed. he's very young, but has quite a lot of power and authority and attention.

his ego is a bit brittle though, naturally, and there are ways in which he is vulnerable to spiraling. there are lots of reasons for that. he feels inferiority and anxiety about making people happy, and he turns inward and is intensely self-critical.

he definitely used to be small, with a big, cool older brother, in the middle with younger sisters. he has very loving and supportive parents who helped him do what he wanted to do, giving him a bedrock belief that he’s loved and special. while he gained some close friends through karting, but he was kind of a loner as a teen, a gamer, introverted and a little bit weird, until he got older and more social, getting with girls etc.

i think he's said he’s dyslexic, not interested in school, but not at all stupid, which must've been frustrating. he hates being bad at things and will try very hard to avoid it. he wants people to be happy, to please them and be accepted by them. i think he probably learned to be annoying to beg for attention, but he doesn’t want too much attention now he’s famous, or he only wants attention from a small number of people he holds close.

he just didn’t win while for a long time when he was very small, and that was formative. he didn’t really believe he could, but he did the work without having the expectation of success, because he enjoyed it yes but also i suspect as if openly wanting it would make it disappear, almost walking backward into success. even now he doesn't think of the end result, but just about what he has to do next and tries to make that as good as possible.

[analysis of lando's size kink here]

Argument Transcript (from here):

Max reads chat question, “Who’s better at golf?”

Lando brags. “I absolutely dominated today on the golf course.”

“But, would you say, like—”

Lando talks over him. “And, as they say in life, you’re only good, as good, as your last game.” 

Max rolls his eyes and Lando shrugs like the point he made was obvious and he won.

“You done?” Max asks.

“I mean, I have no more… that was like a mic drop moment, mate. That’s like my mic just dropped. There’s nothing else to say.”

There's a long pause. Lando grins like he knows he’s being annoying. 

Max can't let it lie. “But you said I am actually better than you.” 

“Yeah, well you were. Until today.” 

Max smiles with his mouth not his eyes. Lando grins too. 

“I love how you’re actually going to commit to saying ‘Yeah, you are,’ and then you realize—”

“I AM better.” 

“You’re not!” Max slaps his waterbottle against his hand for emphasis. 

“Today, I was better, mate.”

“Today, yes.” 

“If today was the world championship, I won.”

“No, but overall, I win more.”

“Well it doesn’t matter though, ‘cause you’re only as good as your last game.” 

“Yeah, ok, you’re going to be that—”

“I’ve made improvements!”

“Are you going to be that stubborn?”

“I’ve made improvements… I’ve just overtaken you in the game of golf.” 

A pause, but Max just can't let that go. “Well I won yesterday.” 

“That’s yesterday. No one cares about yesterday.”

“We didn’t play yesterday, the day before.” 

“No one cares about that.”

“Yeah, but I, like, if we play ten games, I’ll win seven.” 

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No?”

“Yes!”

“Not with how well I’ve been playing la-today.”

“No.”

“Exactly.”

“No—”

“No, you won’t win.” 

“—I’ll win seven.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Yeah, I will!”

“No, you won’t.”

“I will!”

“No, you sliced every single one of your drivers.” 

Max turns his body to face him, looking at him directly. “No, I didn’t.” 

Lando seems gleeful to have gotten the reaction, crowing, “Yes, you did.” And laughing as he said “not one driver! I think you wouldn’t’ve ended up on a fairway!” 

“Yeah I did!”

“When?” 

Max turns back forward with arms crossed, thinking. “On the…”

“Ok, let’s go, let’s do this, chat. First one? No. Second one? No. Third one? Water. Fourth one?”

Max interrupts his rhythm. “Where were you on the third one?”

Lando ignores him. “Where’d your fourth one go?” 

Max repeats himself. “Where were you on the third one?”

Lando concedes. “I also went into the water.”

“There you go, yeah.”

“Once!”

Max affects a deeply sarcastic accent “Acting like Tiger Woods out here.”

“Once! What about all the rest of my drives? That wasn’t even a driver!” 

“No—”

“That wasn’t even a drive, all good.” 

“You were good, you were good with the drive today, I’ll give you that, but you’re not like that normally.”

“That’s what I said. I’ve improved.” 

“Yeah no, you were shocked.” 

“But I have! Improved!”

“Better, but you don’t, you won’t, if we play again tomorrow, you won’t do that.”

“Yes, I will.” 

“No, you won’t.” 

“Yes!”

“No chance.” 

“Yes, mate.”

“I’m going to video your first drive tomorrow. Guarantee it’s right.” 

“No.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll try to hook it so badly—”

Max talks over him saying something else. “It’s not going to be straight. It’s not going to do that.” Max mimes a ball flying straight ahead.

“It will.”

“No chance.” 

“It will!”

“You were even like… oh my god, woah.” 

“Yeah, ‘cause I unlocked something.” 

Intense eye contact. Max smiles, almost predatory. “Yeah? What was that? What’ve you done? Do you remember?”

“Yes, I do!”

“What was it?”

“I’m not going to tell you, ‘cause I don’t want you to get better!”

Max sits up incredulously. “It’s not going to work for my swing. It’s totally different!”

“Well it is!”

“How?”

Lando throws his arm up miming a ball curving in the air. “‘Cause you’re slicing as well!” 

Max sits back and crosses his arms, looking away. 

“This is Max’s shot shape.” Lando mimes a ball shooting forward and curving in front of Max’s face, almost touching him, twice, laughing between and making a loud, adolescent rocket sound, generally being extremely annoying.

“If you do that again, I’m going to draw my hand left across your fuckin face.” 

“You can just do this.” Lando mimes a smacking motion on himself.

“Bosh.” Max pretends to hit him. 

Lando makes a few more rocket sounds.

Max is unable to let it lie. “Normally, you’re not that good.” 

“Yeah, but…”

“Today you were!”

“People improve, Max! People improve! And today, I was unstoppable.” Lando pulls out his cell phone around now, keeping it hidden, and turns on the keyboard clicking sound to prepare to annoy Max a different way.

Max rolls his eyes and repeats the word unstoppable with utmost derision. “Unstoppable… fucking hell, it’s like you’re acting like you hit nine under.” 

“I was unstoppable,” Lando insists. 

“Beat me by like four shots and I played horrendous. Four shots only!”

Lando begins typing and looks up at Max to watch his face, waiting to see him get irritated.

Max glowers straight ahead. “Is that loud enough?”

It does not stop. Max turns to face him again and glares and Lando gives him an impish smile. 

Max says “Stop!” repressively. He reaches for the phone and Lando pulls it back, smiling widely and in an indescribable tone of voice, all the lower registers gone, sounding like he did when he was younger. “I wasn’t even typing anything for the whole thing I was just trying to annoy you.”

They look at each other. Lando said something coy and inaudible.

Max smacks him. “Don’t. Don’t do that!”

Lando cackles.

[squinch-depraved]

Bro PLZ write something about teds mustache PLZ🙏

here u go short while i work on other stuffs

"i promise you you aren't too heavy, please sit on my face," ted begged.

"your mustache is gonna feel so weird though!!" excuses. to tell the truth, he just made you really nervous. you honestly didn't expect that mentioning that you had never been eaten out to your best friend would land you in this situation. "i dunno, ted..."

"c'mon, please trust me. i promise we can stop if you don't like it but i wanna try to make you feel good at least once. please?" he made that stupid face that gets him whatever he wants and leaned back on to his couch, resting his head flat on a pillow and patting his chest for you to hop on.

with a scoff, you rolled your eyes and started to climb onto him, but he stopped you and pointed to your pants.

"off," he instructed simply. his bossiness left a damp spot in your panties once you slowly, carefully removed them, folding both them and your pants and setting them on the coffee table. "there we go." you could hear the grin in his voice before you spun back around to glare at him.

"you're so annoying, you know that?"

"you love me."

he wasn't wrong. in what way, you weren't sure, but you did love your best friend.

"hop on!" he waved you over, intertwining his fingers with yours when you straddled his chest. "my face is up here," he joked when you hesitated.

"oh my god, fine, i'll sit on your face if it'll shut you up," you teased, trying to hide the nervousness in your voice. ted, who couldn't stop smiling, helped you scoot forward until you were hovering over his face. once he had a clear view of your wet hole, he groaned and wrapped his arms around your thighs, pulling you down and holding you tight while you squirmed.

his tongue worked deftly in and out of your cunt, flicking and swirling around your sensitive bud and drawing frantic wails from you. you had never felt anything so pleasurable; everything he was doing was sending white hot electricity straight to your core.

"teddy, fuck!!" you screamed, bucking your hips furiously on his face. his mustache provided just the right stimulation, brushing against your thighs when he pulled his mouth away from your pussy to plant sloppy kisses everywhere. "feels so good..." you trailed off.

he moaned into your folds as he slid his tongue back in you, the vibrations causing your legs to tremble.

"ted, please, you're so good, so good to me, fuck! why did you wanna- nghh, do this so bad?" your voice was shaky, and he pulled away with a lewd noise to answer your question.

"because i think you deserve to feel good. this doesn't have to be anything more than two friends helping each other, if you don't want it to be. just, shut up and let me taste you, please?" he bargained, brushing his mustache along your skin to soothe you.

"how am i helping you?" you asked, puzzled.

"you think i'm not gonna get off to this for like, the rest of my life?" he chuckled, pulling your cunt back to his mouth. staring down at him made your stomach flip- the way his hazel eyes peered up at you as he worked his mouth was intoxicating.

"teddy, i think i'm close," you whined, rolling your hips forward. his grip on your thighs tightened as he furrowed his brows and began eating you faster, sloppy noises filling the room. letting out a constant string of moans and swears as you tossed your head back, you let him devour you and arched your back.

he guided you through your orgasm, grunting when you began to claw at his arms where they were holding you down. he overstimulated you just a tad, unable to resist his cruel desires, not knowing if he would get to do this again. once you rode out your high, you scrambled backwards off of him, panting, and collapsed onto the couch.

"was that good?" he asked nervously, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. you couldn't form words yet, but nodded solemnly. smiling, he rose from his seat and walked to the kitchen, returning with a water bottle, which you accepted gratefully.

"can we do that again?" you asked quietly once he sat back down.

"uh. yeah, if you really want to," ted offered, scratching the back of his neck.

pulling him in for a deep kiss, you grinned at the faint taste of yourself still on his lips. his mustache tickled your upper lip as the kiss deepened, and soon he was on top of you, kissing between your thighs and enjoying every noise that spilled from your lips.

[snapscube]

i finished AA investigations 1 btw :3 tier list update time!

All in all: Investigations 1 was pretty tough to get through unfortunately. Not that it was like BAD or anything but i really lost the drive somethin fierce with this one. The writing just did not feel even remotely as sharp or fun as the best of even AA1, though i don't think there was ever a low point as low of some of the first trilogy's worst. The very definition of "mid" overall, and I don't mean the new kind of "mid" that actually just means bad.

The last case of AAI1 was actually really good though! Really picked up the pace, it was nice and long and very fun to put the actual mystery together. It tied together the underlying plot of the entire game very nicely, one thing i think Investigations actually did really well overall. I liked how tangibly connected pretty much every case felt, even if the individual stories lost my interest often.

I will say though in regards to the final case, holy shit it goes off the rails near the end. I think there is legitimately 5 instances in a row of the murderer going "okay im going home now" only for some character to rush in at the last second and extend the investigation because of some weird asinine piece of evidence that is infinitely less valuable than everything we've already discussed. I think that final 3rd or so of the case is particularly egregious about treating previous evidence as inconsequential at the slightest bit of opposition in a way that started to really exhaust me by the end. I know that's kinda the whole bit with Ace Attorney, but usually there's a bit of balance in the more well rounded cases. This might be the worst I've seen of it so far, so it left somewhat of a sour taste in my mouth. Still enjoyed it a lot up to that point though, so it gets a solid A rank :)

Sorry I didn't post a lot of screencaps or anything when playin this one, I would have been taking them but my Steam Deck (where i play these most often) has been acting kinda buggy w my controller's screenshot button. It'll work once when I boot up the game fresh and then just not register any of my screenshots after. Hopefully that'll be fixed soon :) Time to move onto AAI2.... sometime in the near future! Maybe tonight! Maybe next week! I dunno! WEEEEE!

[copperbadge]

I guess you probably get asked why you’re converting a lot but I still want to ask,

I dunno, I don't think I really get asked all that much, to be honest. Usually when I do it's like -- I mention I'm converting to a Jewish person and they'll be like "Getting married?" and I'll explain I'm not, which does necessitate an additional explanation.

It's difficult to vocalize, which is interesting because it has really very little to do with faith, and that's usually the most difficult part of discussing any conversion, I think. Often I'll just say, "I heard a call". Which is actually a rather Christian way of putting it, but I think it's probably the easiest way to explain, especially in a heavily Christian culture.

I had...I don't want to call it religious trauma exactly because compared to most people I know who exited Christianity, it wasn't traumatic -- I was just raised in Christianity and had trouble buying the faith in the various ways it was presented to me, and there's a certain type of ardent Christian who comes at you hard if you're in their church asking awkward questions. A few encounters with some egregious megachurches in my youth left a bad taste in my mouth, so in my twenties I really wanted nothing to do with religion and didn't have the time or energy anyway -- I wasn't actively anti-religion, just disinterested.

But in my thirties I had to ask myself, do I wish to be part of a faith community? And once I'd decided that despite being pretty heavily agnostic I did want that in my life, I had to decide what I wanted it to look like. There are churches within many branches of Christianity that are fine, and there are whole branches that are fine too, but I kept tripping over my disinterest in Jesus. I did almost become a Quaker but although I really like a lot of the Friends' attitudes towards social justice and I enjoyed silent Meeting, it eventually didn't feel quite right for me (the Quakers in my life refer to me as "Friend-ly"). I looked into Zen Buddhism but didn't click with it in quite the way I'd hoped.

Judaism didn't feel perfect, but unlike other faiths, after several years of study I have yet to reach a point where it feels "not for me" in the way the others did after a few months; even when I struggle with some aspects, instead of saying "I don't think this is it" I dig deeper, and Judaism is a place where you can just...keep digging. I like the sense of history, I like the idea that you can argue not only with other Jews but with the divine itself and maybe even win; I don't like arguing but I like that the option is there, which it never was in my Christian confirmation classes. I like the way Judaism frames community and family, I like the emphasis on scholarship and exploration. I've had to unlearn a lot of weird Christian and atheist attitudes about the Torah, but that's been educational too. Ancient cultures have always interested me and Judaism is sometimes the practice of actively conversing with ancient history that has been incredibly preserved but not calcified. I like that I can be an agnostic Jew if I so choose, once I finish conversion.

(Sometimes I joke, "Eh, I'm not really a huge fan of pork, either, so it's an excuse not to eat pork chops," but that's a joke for very specific company. I don't keep kosher or plan to, but I like that there is an option to show one's devotion through acts of nourishment, and that food is always such a huge part of Jewish ritual. And I like Jewish food.)

There is something in me that reacts to Jewish storytelling -- the fear and fasting of Esther, discourse on the sacrifice of Isaac, grumpy Rabban Gamliel from the Talmud, even the history of the Piazza Alla Cinque Schole when I stumbled into it in Rome. I didn't care particularly about the story of Moses when I learned it as a child, but I sniffle at the parting of the Red Sea in Prince of Egypt every damn time. Not even because of the miracle! I'm simply moved by the vision of a people going to freedom, scared but going, protecting each other and singing as they go.

Anyway. I'm in a conversation with Judaism that isn't over yet, and either eventually I'll reach a point where it ends, or I'll convert and be in this conversation the rest of my life. Kind of fun not to know yet which it will be.

[heylittleriotact]

WIP Wednesday (except it’s not)

I was tagged by @emmg

I’m having weird writer’s block and am struggling reaaaally hard with concentrating on things for any length of time right now. I blame the state of the world. I dunno. I would like it to go away so I can go back to hyperfixating on sexualizing an old necromancer in horny peace.

I’m still getting over strep and can’t organize myself to tag people, so if you want to share your current WIP please do, and tag me! I want to see!!

Anyway, here’s my WIP of Chapter 4 of my Emmrook vampire AU. Amina wakes up the morning after dying, snuggled up cozily in bed with Emmrich, and feeling relatively fine - she’s just really fucking hungry.

The optimistic trill of a blackbird roused her, eyes snapping open at the sound that pulled her from her slumber: had Emmrich left the window open and some poor bird had found itself trapped in the room?

It sang again, effervescent and bright, greeting the dawn eagerly.

Amina craned her neck: the thick curtains were drawn shut, blocking out the dim sunlight that outlined them - there was no breeze or movement to indicate a window had been left open.

The blackbird’s song continued as though it was perched on the headboard of their bed.

Grunting sleepily, she let her head fall back to the pillow and snuggled back into Emmrich again, returning to the comfort of a dozy, early morning heap of warm limbs and messy hair.

He was still soundly asleep, snoring softly, deep breaths falling from his slightly open mouth. She hugged his arms to her and kissed the back of his hand as he slumbered, turning over thoughts of a terrible nightmare in her mind.

It had to have been a nightmare, right?

Her stomach rumbled in the dark, scraping its talons against the lining of her stomach beseechingly.

Ignoring it, she flipped over and draped her leg over Emmrich’s thigh, nuzzling into his neck and the warmth there. Inhaling deeply, she made a low noise in the back of her throat: he smelled divine. Had he always smelled this good? Of course he used expensive soaps and boasted an exquisite collection of fragrances and colognes: she’d never known Emmrich to smell anything but deliberately nice, but…

She swallowed the saliva that pooled in her mouth, and placed her nose against the side of his neck again, inhaling deeply.

Ohhhh…

Arousal flickered to life between her thighs, warming her further when his scent ripped through her again - olfactory decadence that coaxed a questioning whimper from her: aniseed and wet leather, something clean but complex not unlike petrichor but different - darker; and a salty, coppery tang that brought to mind echoes of vanilla and sex that made her mouth water even more.

He was hard, his cock pressing against her lower belly. Washe dreaming of her? Dreaming of fucking her passionately, uttering filthy words and vulgar poetry into her ears as he so often loved to do?

The blackbird’s morning song became a distant annoyance as the sound of blood rushing filled her ears instead, and she undulated gently against her beloved, revelling in the feeling of his familiar bare skin against hers.

She filled herself with his scent again, feeling somewhat ashamed of how utterly aroused she was by it. Not understanding why.

The urge to wake him was difficult to resist: they could make sweet gentle love, quiet and languid as they twined under the sheets, limbs curling around one another and spreading like graceful tendrils of ivy as it grew over stone, silent but for their shared breath and sleepy gasps of pleasure…

Her lips found smooth, heated skin and the hypnotizing pulse that dwelled there - she felt it pulsating against her tender kiss, and she moaned softly when her tongue flicked against him, her mouth filling with moisture again as she tasted that same enchanting aroma on her tongue.

She sat back on her knees for a moment to shift her hair over her shoulder before returning to his neck, fully intending to kiss her fiancé awake before treating him to a warm, cozy orgasm to start his day.

Her tongue darted past her lips to moisten them absent-mindedly and she flinched, letting out a small cry and lifting her hand reflexively to the sharp pain radiating from her mouth. She felt the familiar sensation of blood beading and dripping down her fingers, over the back of her hand, and heard it pattering against the bedspread.

Drip, drip, drip…

“Ow… fuck…”

She frowned into the darkness, and sucked her lower lip into her mouth, drawing away the blood oozing from the reasonably deep laceration that had appeared there.

“Darling?”

Emmrich had woken, and he stirred tiredly beside her, a large, comforting hand skimming up her thigh and her abdomen until it found her wrist. “Are you all right?”

“I… yes. I just… I think my lip is bleeding…”

She could make out the shift of his features in the dark; brow furrowing as he slid up onto an elbow and the candles on the bedside table blinked to life with a gesture.

“Let me see…” he muttered, voice still thick and raspy with sleep.

She leaned closer as he sat up, bathing her face in the dim orange candlelight so Emmrich could examine the hurt. “See?” She prompted, opening her mouth as his hands drew near so he could get a clear view of the injury.

Emmrich let out a yelp and yanked his hands away, the fear in his eyes piercing Amina’s soul deeper than any weapon ever could as he recoiled from her.

“What?!” She demanded, panic finding her. “What is it?”

He didn’t answer right away, but managed to collect himself enough to sit forward again, his thumb meeting her upper lip as slid it up over her teeth on one side of her mouth, then the other.

He swore softly - a reaction that did absolutely nothing to calm Amina.

“Emmrich!” She snapped.

“Er… hmm…” His eyes darted from side to side rapidly as he seemed to decide the best course of action. Then he grabbed her hand and maneuvered her index finger, guiding it towards her mouth.

The soft fleshy tip of it landed against the smooth, hard surface of her cuspid. Still looking baffled and uneasy, Emmrich slowly and carefully moved the finger down the tooth - far further than it would normally go - and then very delicately prodded the pad of her finger against the point, which felt razor sharp against Amina’s flesh - honed and deadly, and very unlike the shape that particular tooth had been for the entirety of her life until this point.

She let out a clipped scream and brought her other hand up to her mouth, feeling the other tooth - it was similarly distorted under her touch, bizarrely long and just as pointed as the other.

No, no, no… last night was a dream. A nightmare. And besides, my teeth were fine when I’d gone to sleep…

Bolting from the bed, Amina tore out of their room and down the hallway to the bathroom, her feet slapping through puddles of water that lingered. She hurtled into the still humid room and turned left to face the extravagant vanity built into the wall on that side of the room, and screamed again: a blood curdling shriek that reverberated off the walls.

Emmrich appeared at the threshold, sliding into the bathroom, redirecting his momentum with a hand on the doorframe and embracing her as she stared into the large mirror, mouth agape, confused tears flooding her eyes.

“I - I don’t… I d-don’t—” She raised a shaking hand and waved at herself in the mirror. Her face crumpled in anguish and she looked to Emmrich pleadingly with her eerie eyes and fanged mouth. “Emmrich, wh-why can’t I see myself in the m-mirror?”

He did a double take as he glanced from her to the looking glass, then back again, evidently seeing the same thing as she: only himself, naked and at an utter loss for words.

Amina sank to her knees, suddenly aware of the cold that was rapidly stealing back into her bones. Hugging herself as she cried, rocking back and forth, she tried desperately to make sense of what was happening to her: dead was one thing, but fangs where her teeth used to be, and the unexpected departure of her own reflection was too much. She could only bear so much…

Perhaps it was for the best that she couldn’t see herself - she surely looked like a monster if her teeth were as long and sharp as they felt…

Emmrich had seen fit not to waste his breath trying to assure her it was all going to be all right. Instead, he pulled his dressing gown from a hook on the wall and draped it around her naked form, securing it in place before picking her up again.

He carried her back down the hall as she wept, silent and grim.

Their soft feather bed met her back when he placed her down, and smoothed her hair from her forehead, sitting beside her and looking into her eyes, her hand in his.

“I know that this is very frightening for you, darling,” he whispered. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, but we’re going to suss this out together, yes? Now take a deep breath - you can do it.”

“Why the fuck would I need to breathe, Emmrich? I’m dead!”

The sentiment was delivered with the same air of desperate and indignant mortification that ruled her currently. Her world was one of sheer confusion, and the inability to comprehend.

“There’s no need for such language, darling!” Emmrich blustered, looking affronted. “I’m only trying to help!”

“How can you help?!” She bleated. “You don’t even know what’s happening to me! Fangs, Emmrich - I have fangs!! I’m an aberration! I’m… I’m transforming into that… that thing!” She tried to sit up but Emmrich pushed her back down on the bed. She needed to run. Needed to get away from the Necropolis - away from everyone. She went to sit up again, only to be forcibly returned to the surface of the bed. “Emmrich, please!” Tears crashed down her face: why didn’t he understand?!

“Amina. Stop.”

He gripped her tightly by the upper arms, his elbows braced on either side of her to keep her from scarpering. His nose was inches from hers, and his eyes were intense and grave. The dark shadow of the dusting of morning stubble over his jaw added to his intensity and emphasized the serious set of his mouth as his eyes burned into hers.

“You need to calm yourself,” he instructed. “This is undeniably a mess, and I’m terrified as well, but we won’t get anywhere by panicking and falling apart, will we? You are not alone in this, dear. Now do as I say, and take a deep breath.”

Eyes shut tight, she obeyed - forcing a clattering breath into her hollow lungs, fighting against every instinct she had to flee. Her stomach protested its emptiness again, painfully contorting on itself.

“I’m so hungry, Emmrich,” she groused, sounding annoying and whiny to her own ears, but it couldn’t be ignored any longer: she was beginning to feel faint.

“Stay here - I will bring you something.”

The tone it was delivered in made it clear there would be no negotiating.

He vanished from her side and she sagged into the mattress.

[boizandgurlzinthehouse]

𝐬𝐡𝐞 + 𝐢 = ♡ (𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟐)

pairing: lexi x reader

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏

plot: y/n is fezco's younger sister, with all the benefits and risks. she don't use that much drugs, and never keeps it with her since in school. y/n is pretty laid back, loves little things in life —and maybe lexi howard. but she don't have to know that. that's only y/n's secret, but can she keep it when destiny brings them closer to each other?

word count: 3.188k

warnings: mentions of drugs, p*rn, basic euphoria things, fez is the coolest bro in the neighborhood

*i wrote this a year ago?  think? don't mind me pliz, i just binged down euphoria once more, re-read the first chapter and got excited again.*

✿ rue's narrating ✿ since jules —alongside maddy and kat— knew that y/n was in love with lexi, she wanted to meet the girl in private, because y/n didn't said anything to maddy and to kat, even if they said they tried hard to get something out of the girl. "and, what do you think about the guys?" maddy asked as they looked for clothes. y/n stood beside her with a hoodie in her arms, typing something into her phone. maybe if she could see who's the girl talking with... "huh? oh, no... not so much." "oh, and why is that? or you just don't tell me because you have a crush on nate, you little bitch!" she teased, but y/n smiled and shook her head. "never in a million years would i crush on nate, and not just because of you, but because he's exatly not my type." "yeah? and what is your type?" maddy felt the glorious taste of victory in her mouth, but when y/n looked at her like she knew that the three knew, she immediately tried to help the situation. "because, y/n, you never dated anybody." "i dunno what's my type, i don't have one... maybe don't be a human trafficker... but yeah, that's all... and i dated a boy, once! only for two days, but this also counts something... i think." wondered y/n. "why did the two of you break up?" maddy couldn't give up, not right now. "i dunno... he was kinda annoying, sucking me for drugs from my brothers, wanted nudes and stuff... fezco almost beat him in the front of the school, but when i told him that we split up with him, we smoked some real good weed at night. but why are you askin' me these questions?" "because valentine's is close, that's why." "maddy, valentine isn't even in six months." "...time is relative, y/n." maddy was defeated for the first time, and she didn't like the feeling.

the next one was kat —with no better outcomes. "can you add that also to my account?" kat pointed to her electronic credit card, while y/n did it with three simple clicks —at the computer science class, it seemed to be much more difficult, that's why the girl ditched the classes and only went to the tests to complete it with the highest grade not just in her class, but in their entire school. many people tried to reach her level, but y/n was by far the most professional hacker in the area. "i did it. do you want something more, or—" "what kind of porn you're into?" kat's sudden question left the girl speechless, looking away from the screen of kat's computer. "what the fuck, kat? are you high or something?" she muttered, peeking out of her door from her sitting position to check if fezco or ash wasn't listening. "no, i'm just interested. since you know about my stuff, it's only fair if you tell me too, isn't it?" kat tried so hard, really. "first of all, i don't think so... you just take your money physically from me, and your porn account doesn't touch me... otherwise, maddy asked me too that what's my type, what's this about? we gon' watch porn on the next sleepover or something?" y/n joked, and kat's face got a little bit hot. "no, i was just interested... people have weird kinks and you never talk about it. in the end, maybe we find out that you have feet-kink, or something else." "would you shame me if i'd like to watch people's legs?" y/n asked back giggling, and when cat tried to stutter something, she began to get serious. "seriously, kat, would that be the problem? i thought we're friends, you just asked and i answered." "n-no, it's perfectly fine, i mean, me and maddy, we- i was just curious, okay? you don't have to feel ashamed or-" kat was bothered y/n loud laugh, pulling up her shoulders as they shook. the other girl lightened a little bit —y/n weren't a piece of cake when it came to her sexual preferencies. "i just pulling you, kat. why would i want to watch other people's weird arms and legs? sometimes my own limbs scare me." "really?"

"only if i smoke some weed." they laughed at y/n's words, but when the y/h/c girl said goodbye to kat and closed their door, kat got her phone out.

kat y/n is so fucking confusing i hope she won't find this out maddy HA I KNEW now you come for me with 10 dollars girl as jules read the messages, swtiching from 'shyguy', prepared herself for the next day and the class with y/n to set a sleepover for the night or the next —she was the only hope for them.

❀

on that terrible monday, the frst day of the school when y/n went home, she tried not to burst out —it was quite difficult, because her brothers cared about her. like, cared about her a lot. "how as your day, lil sis?" fezco's sound was clearly audible through the fast click of the cash-counter machine, as he heard the front door's banging. y/n didn't answer; it was usual, because she didn't say a word until she showered down and changed into some lazier stuff. ash wanted to go after her, but he knew that this was the first day of school, he went too, but still, y/n was much more vulnerable than him and knew that people from school always pulled on y/n for drugs for the thousandth time. "you think everything's alright with her?" he asked fez, who didn't even look up. "chill bro, she's everytime like this when school begins." after a half an hour, y/n came out to eat something since she didn't eat lunch and her breakfast wasn't the biggest, simply a toast with butter or some piece of cookies. opening the fridge, grabbing a can of coke and some processed spagetti, tossing it into the microwave for two minutes, y/n lumped down onto the chair next to fez. opening the can, she drank a couple sips. "you good, sis? how was your day?" y/n sighed. "i fucked up shit." she mumbled, but before fezco could ask anything with a concerned, sudden look towards her, she stood up to get her food from the microwave before the ping! noise sounded. y/n didn't like that sound, she didn't know why but she didn't. "wha' do ya mean? someone with drugs and stuff, or— "no, no, not at all. only rue came to me." "but she's been into hospital with overdose and then she went to rehab, she ain't a junkie anymore, sis. you 'now dis too, been 'ere, in 'er house." "i know fezco, but whether she was in rehab or not, she's still an addict. don't give her drugs, please." fezco sighed, while y/n eat with one fork from the pasta. "but rue's not my biggest concern yet." "then what, little sis? tell me." fezco stopped in the counting, expecting something really bad, horrible shit to come. "do you know the feeling when you did something bad, but don't know what to do because you feel all you could do is something cringy, and all you can do is avoid the situations, but you can't do this forever?" "wow, that's some... complicated feeling shit, didn't know my little sister can feel so many feelings in 'erself." fezco muttered, but he felt relieved. "who caused you this mess of feelings?" "the girl i crush, you know. lexi." fezco nodded knowingly, stretching his hand out for y/n to hold it. "and what did you to 'er?" "does it matter? i just fucked up shit." "yeah, it matters much, kiddo! it ain't the same if you jus' said a bad word to 'er or had sex with 'er sibling." y/n flinched. having sex with cassie was off to the plate since... she didn't even think about cassie in this way, she was way too hetero and bitchy —it wasn't bad from a view, but for y/n, these were the opposites what lexi was having. "no, hell no, bro! it's just... i gave her advice, because she's friends with rue, like, childhood friends. and... it doesn't matter, but they fought and i gave her, i mean lexi, i gave her advice and... she tried to brush my leg but i just flinched away." "but why did you flinch away? did she try to stab you or somethin'?" "no, lexi could never do something like that! she just reached out, trying to thank me or something, i don't know... oh my god, she probably thinks that i am disgusted by her! or that i just don't want to be near of her, or... i don't like her." after y/n monologue, fez nodded. "so you gave 'er advice?" "yeah...?"

"an' just flinched away 'case of some random touch?" "yeah, but... what do you mean, bro?" "i mean that, and if you take your old big bro's word serious... you're afraid 'ow your body reacts or does things, but you souldn't. you gave 'er advice, who the fuck cares if you jus' aren' ready to be touched? you should be worried if you didn't gave 'er advice." "really?" the corners of y/n's mouth lifted lightly. "word. now come here, kiddo." y/n jumped into fez's arms, pulling her leg up beside his, just like when they were kids and fez comforted her on the couch when he and his grandma got home, with blood on the money they got. fez cared so much about his little sister, he knew that he can't protect her forever, and that her heart gonna want what it wants; hs knew guys were dangerous enough, and adding the fact that everyone know what he and ash did, y/n got involved too, sometimes causeless. but he also know by his grandma that girls can be bad too, maybe even worse. y/n wasn't stupid, but she could fall in love so hard that it can get her in trouble —but this lexi girl seemed nice, so as long as she didn't do anything wrong, fezco couldn't have to sleep with one eye open. when y/n laid into bed, she checked the last time her phone, praying for not to see any messages from lexi or cassie. but it was just one single new message from jules —she clicked on it, smiling to herself. she liked jules, they met when she first went to fez to get drugs.

❀

it was the hottest day in california, y/n was afraid that the roof above them gonna melt and destroy the shop —all the blower fans was at the maximum, but y/n still couldn't concentrate fully on her work. it was pretty difficult, one of her clients asked her to hack into someone's discord account, and since y/n's special password-hacking-machine that could just simply spin out the password was blew off because of the much heat, she had to do it in the manual way; it was easy, but tired as hell because she had to hide all the signs that the account has been hacked, meaning the e-mail and other notifications.

"y/n, could you get me a little speed?" fez asked her, shouting to the back. cracking her back, ribs and knuckles, y/n crawled to the table and the bags, picking out the right yellow bag, shaking it a little bit. "here, i dunno why you couldn't get yourself, busy man" she mumbled, but when she started to walk back, she blinked at the costumer who stood before the siblings. she was really pretty; strawberry hair and skinny frame. not the type y/n exactly liked, but she felt that she would be a good friend. "hi" the girl muttered, y/n looked back and lowered her eyebrows. "hey... ya new here?" "yeah, just came a few days ago. i assume that you live here." "since i've been born" y/n replied while smiling lowly. "going to school on 1st september?" the girl nodded. y/n went for a lollipop. "good luck. i'm y/n, by the way." "jules, jules vaughn." "that's perfect, jewel." "no, jules. like the vape 'juul', just with 's' on the end." "oh, so fucking sorry! you know, i'm shit with names, in the beginning i got to write my friends names' on my arm to not to mix or forget it" shit, why did she say that? that was basically the dumbest shit she did in school —y/n hoped jules won't gonna tell it to anyone. "really? that's—" "moronic, i know, ya" "no, that's cute." "shit, thanks..." y/n muttered, looking down at her shoes. fez came back. "i see you made new friends, you lil misanthrope" he teased her. she never heard fez say anything so cultivated —that's why she began to read some books, and for lexi to notice her by how educated or art-loving she is, but everytime y/n tried to tell her what is in the book, she got tongue-tied, or misspelled things like jules' name. "fuck you, fez" she responded. jules payed, but before she turned around, she passed y/n her phone. "what? juul'?" jules giggled while nodded for the other to write her number down. "you're the best face i met yet in this shitty town. and thanks for the luck-wishing." y/n nodded her head, pulling up her knees as she sat beside the cash register. "you're gonna need it, jewel."

❀

juljul wanna sleep over tomorrow bub?

y/n smiled —maybe jules can help her.

❀

jules' room was y/n's second favorite place beside her own room, the girl even let her to decorate the place with scented candles, crystals, minerals and small plants like aloe vera or a pretty cactus. jules loved how y/n let her do her makeup, even if y/n only used eyeliner, eyeshadow or mascara, but she lied for hours calmly with a joint in her hand while jules did whatever she wanted with her face and her hair, the two telling random fatcs or stories to each other.

but now, something was different.

y/n felt it when she sat down on jules' bed, but when jules went to her gardrobe, she looked at y/n from the mirror more times, what made the other suspicious, but she didn't made drama, just kept srcolling on her phone.

"how was your day, y/n?"

"good, but you were with me all the time, so you must 'now, juul'." y/n shrugged her shoulder. "but i have questions for you, too."

jules looked at her with slightly lifted eyebrows, but kept smiling. "sure bitch, just gonna get some drinks. do you want too?"

"yeah, thank you."

y/n was stressed —she had to ask what's with kat and maddy, and if they suspected something, than cassie could suspect something too —after all, it was her sister who she was in love with, and mayb cassie's not that big mind person, but she could guess things too like anyone else. but the most important thing is that... did jules know?

"we only have gatorade, if that's okay." jules passed her a red cup,

"thank you so much."

"so, what is your question? wait, before we begin, can i practice on you?"

y/n nodded, lying on her back simply, like she always did —she was grateful for her; maybe like this, the conversation isn't gonna be that overwhelming.

as jules collected all her stuff, y/n checked social medias, but everything was silent. throwing away her phone when jules dropped down herself beside her ribs, she blinked a couple of times.

"so, i was wondering... that maddy and kat were curious about my love life. like, you three always ship me with basically everybody i talk to or deal with, but in the last few days, they were like mad men... or mad women, sorry."

"sorry for interrupting, should i make your eyeliner curvier or flatter? both can match your eyes, i hate it that you have so perfect eyes, bitch." jules bragged. she didn't seem so stressed, neither was her hand flinching or shaking —y/n's brain slowly began to work, gratefully the weed wasn't that strong.

"i never mind, juul. so, as i was tellin' you, maddy and kat was... just crazy about my sexual life. and not because i am paranoid or some shit, but this happened after lexi intervened, so... do you know something i don't?"

jules frowned for a second, looking at y/n, she shook her head instantly.

"no, of course not! we are just interested, because... you know, i laid down with men some times,"

"quite severely and often", y/n added with a little shit-eating grin, getting some nose scrunches from jules as she ended up adding little stars on the underline of her eyes, under her under-lashes.

"okay, okay! well, maddy got nate..."

"and their relationship amaze me everyday, with the screaming and pissing off with each other", y/n replied, jules rolled her eyes at the comment without a word,

"...and kat... honestly, i don't know what she does on the internet, but she also talks recently with guys."

"or with men? seriously, jules, i don't want to hurt any of you, and i really fucking appreciate that you worry about my love life, but... i don't want to do things as fast as you... and i don't want to have a relationship that is just screeching and hollering and glaring at each other with teary eyes... and i don't want to find love on the internet, it seems easy, but there's never really affection, it's just two people who imagine each other how they want, and if reality doesn't match the imagination, than it goes shit, always. i don't know when i'm gonna find someone, and if i'm ever gonna find someone."

jules nodded, continuing to do her makeup. y/n sighed suddenly, leaning her leg on jules' waist. the other girl nudged her, making y/n blink several time, and strangely serious. sighing, y/n looked into jules' eyes.

"but... there's something that you should know. i know that your close to rue and shit, so... i trust you with this information... i don't really like guys. at all."

the blonde grinned, covering her mouth with her hand. they could see the sparkles from her energy around the room, as a big confession was in the way.

"does this mean... that you..."

"i already have two guys at home, what is so likable about them?" y/n giggled, confessing her love about girls (too?), then got really surprised when jules lifted her up and hugged her tightly.

"i'm so glad that you shared this with me. i had some thoughts about this, but... it's really different if you say it. with your mouth." she whispered happily.

"with my mouth?" y/n pointed at her own lips, making the two of them laugh again.

as jules was done with her makeup, she turned on the tv to watch some anime and stuff, grabbing her phone, it constantly lighted up with kat's and maddy's notifications. looking at y/n as she walked back from the kitchen, she dropped the phone, waiting for y/n to cuddle her.

y/n's gonna tell them if she's ready. other then that,

one step closer.

i can't believe i post this, seriously. i hope you guys liked this part, and sorry for the waiting )):

leave a comment if you're glad that I came out from my cave hihihi <3 stay safe girliez

taglist: @jdstarkey @mr-robot-x @trikruismybitch

[tactician]

datv spoilers abt how they handled one of the older games' companions under the cut

(also it's negative if you'd rather avoid that sort of thing)

man im not a datv hater by any means, in fact i Love It and i want to write up my general #thoughts about it sometime - both the positive and the negative, yay nuance - but i rly do need to take a moment to rant about how it lowkey did zevran so dirty and that's one aspect of it that i will never forgive!!!

LIKEEEE OK YES. i'll admit that im being dramatic / sensitive bc i love zev so fucking much and i have been steeled by years upon years of listening to the fandom treat one of my fav dragon age characters (literally the reason why i got into dragon age) like some kind of joke but. that experience is a lot different from seeing bioware do it. ik there's some cute shallow references to him sprinkled here-and-there (iirc 'the invitation' gearset is a reference to him which is pretty nice), but there's ALSO a banter that lucanis has w harding which implies that members of house arainai 'died from embarrassment' over a failed assassination contract in ferelden, which is obviously a reference to zevran - and ohhhh when i tell you it grinded my gears.... it really, really got to me...

i definitely understand wanting to keep immersion intact for people who killed off zevran in origins as well as people who got him through it and let him go off and hunt down crows - so making a reference to the actual contract and keeping the fallout of that contract vague makes sense. but being coy about it (a la harding assuming that leaders of house arainai literally just died from The Cringe Of It All and weren't, like, systematically hunted down by a former crow / survivor who went thru years of literal torture from them) is really like... i dunno! i don't like it! it left a bad taste in my mouth + seeing tons of people giggling over it ANNOYS MEEEE!!!! it legit ruins my own immersion bc wdym the crows have no opinion whatsoever on a character who was slaughtering them left and right in my worldstate lkfdgldkfh

and like even if you view it as a clumsy euphemism for zev hunting the leaders down later on, i still rly firmly maintain that it's a poor one. if he survives post-origins, zevran becomes a total thorn in the crows' side. he killed off influential leaders within the org... he even got a title for it (THE BLACK SHADOW. YES I REMEMBER)... and bioware is reducing that legacy to a joke about people dying from embarrassment -_- like please be serious.

furthermore i don't think it's immersion breaking to just... replace those lines with a sentence or two referencing an assassin within house arainai who defected and started taking down talons given how abhorrent house arainai was/is(?), either. a vague foreboding reference would literally do the job just fine. house arainai was not the fandom's ~*~Found Family Vibes~*~ lmao they were taking in child slaves and grooming them into ruthless assassins - but that lore is totally ignored in veilguard, too!!! even with all the fledglings around the crows' base in veilguard... it's just not elaborated on in a way that aligns with previously established lore.

DON'T GET ME WRONG THOUGH. i'm absolutely not part of the section of the fandom who hate on the crows being a "good-aligned" faction that rook can ally with, because obviously all of the houses aren't house arainai - some are scummier than others and some do, in fact, have the ~*~Found Family Vibes~*~. it just sucks so much that datv provides banter and dialogue setups where the #lore is like... talked about and explained to some degree... but those lines are wasted on empty shit like "the crows hire recruits from the military or the trades! :)" or weird trope-based jokes at the expense of previous companions rather than even vaguely implying that different houses do different things, and that some houses are shitty to a truly reprehensible level.

tl;dr imo if bioware doesn't want previous choices to matter or for stuff to be hyper-tailored to specific worldstate choices, that's cool and fine and deeply understandable, but characters should just be quiet about those choices ;LKGFHL;KFDG BUT HEY!!!!! if i missed a banter where zevran IS referenced in a manner which isn't a joke or linked to his sex appeal, i would rly love to hear about it... because as this sudden unplanned Essay that i spawned proves, im Quite salty about this L;FDGKGFHKLGHF

[g0ttal0ve101]

Melanie <3

[a/n]: believe it or not this takes place in MIDDLE SCHOOL ❤️ aka mel is fifteen and lu is fourteen! babies making very bad decisions…. TW: ED SCENE!

“I’ll eat it.”

Melanie smiled brightly as he gave her another pack of Oreos his stepfather packed him, sighing heavily in distraught.

“He always packs me these when we get into a fight…” Lucian said softly, tucking a lock of his pretty hair behind his ear. “I get that I used to like them when I was a kid, but…they’re not even my favorite anymore.”

Melanie watched as he picked at the rest of his food, gloomy as could be — as usual. It made her sad to see him like that, but happy that he was willing to give it all up to her. A part of her felt bad for thinking that way. But not bad enough to stop.

She eyed up the rest of his lunchbox. He sighed and pushed it over in her direction, smiling weakly. “…Have it, Mel. You need it more than me.”

With a faint smile on her face, she hesitated. “You don’t have to gimmie all of it…”

“Don’t feel bad. I’m not hungry.”

He had a way with his tone. Shifting closer to her, he let out yet another deep sigh and rested his head on her shoulder. Melanie rubbed his back while eating every last bit of his lunch, even the things that he had left in there for a few days now — like granola bars and cheap wafer cookies. To her, they tasted like heaven. To anyone else, it was like taking a mouthful of sugary-dust.

Lucian looked off into the distance as she finished up, clearly too wrapped in his own thoughts to care what she was doing. That’s probably why he didn’t see her eyeing up all the notes in his lunchbox pocket labeled For Bunny. She didn’t have the heart to mention it. It was evident from his face that he didn’t like talking about anything related to his stepfather nowadays.

“…Mel, are you okay?”

The question took her aback. She was in the middle of feeling bad for him, so she hardly expected the tables to be turned back onto herself. She blinked in awe a few times before wiping her mouth off and raising an eyebrow, confused as to why he shifted the barrel of the gun.

“Uh, yeah? Why?”

“I dunno. You’ve kinda lost a lot of weight.”

Bullseye. Melanie’s jaw dropped for a moment before she quickly fixed her face, laughing it off as though the comment had no relevance whatsoever.

“Have I? Good, I was looking like a real fatass earlier this year!”

Lucian lifted his head from her shoulder and furrowed his eyebrows. She nervously laughed.

“You weren’t fat at all, actually. And even if you were, it doesn’t make a difference. You’ll always be the prettiest girl I know.”

Melanie’s face grew warm as she swatted him away with her hand. “You’re just saying thaaat…”

“No, I’m not! I think you’re super pretty!”

Their faces were inches from each other. Melanie rolled her eyes and shoved him away, knowing he lost all sense of personal space again. He laughed a little before lowering his head and batting his eyelashes.

“Melanieee…”

“I don’t wanna hear it from you! You’re just blowing smoke up my ass!”

“Nuh-uh! I really do think those things, Mel. And I don’t think that you should concern yourself with your weight as much as you do.”

“W-Well, you’re the one who brought it up!”

Lucian pouted his lips a little. “That’s ’cause I know that you’re losing weight on purpose, silly. Just last week, you kept checking to see if your fingers could fit all around your wrist. Then, you cried the other week when we got our PE physicals done and you were a pound heavier! Plus, you always talk about how you wished you were as skinny as Kai from history class!”

Melanie bit her fingernails with a sly grin. “Okay, but he has the perfect body, right? I’m not wrong about that…”

“I dunno him very well, but I don’t think that figure’s healthy, Mel…”

“But you have to admit he’s hot! That waist is just…oooh, Lu you don’t even wanna know.”

“H-How long have you been watching this guy?!”

“Is it weird to check out everyone in the locker room? I think Mia’s the hottest. Don’t even get me started on—!”

“I’m not getting you started! Stop!”

“Whaaat, you’re telling me you don’t take a peek while you’re getting changed? Not even a little?”

“I think I’d rather die. Honest to God.”

Melanie nudged him on the arm playfully to point out Kai from afar, walking with a pair of headphones on and no lunch. It was a pitiful sight, but Melanie seemed to see way more into it than just a lonely kid.

“You see that?! Lookit!”

Lucian looked away bashfully. “…Do you want David to kill me?

“He can kiss my ass. Anyways, what’s so wrong with me wanting that figure for myself? It’s not like I’m starving or anything. Didn’t you just see me eat all that food like a fuckin’ pig? I’m cool! I’m getting all the calories I need!”

“You do eat well…”

“See? There’s no problem! You’re just worrying yourself too much, babe.” She patted his head lovingly with a cheeky grin. “I’m fiiine.”

Lucian fidgeted with his fingers. “I just wanna make sure, Mel…”

She hated how easy it was to lie to him.

Trying her hardest to shift the conversation without being too obvious and making him poke more, she wrapped her arm around his shoulder and pulled him close. He struggled to break free.

“I don’t get how you can be so skinny when you drink that much! Alcohol makes a lotta people gain weight! That reminds me, are you going to Lindsey’s birthday party?”

Lucian smiled ear-to-ear. “With David! We’re gonna pregame too! David makes these awesome drinks with fruit-flavored vodka, prosecco, and Sprite. Trust me, it’s a life changer…maybe you can come over and try some!”

“No, you jerk. I’m not tryna gain the weight back. Just…don’t overdo it like last time, okay?”

“Well, are you coming to the party?”

“Hell yeah, I’m coming to the party! Trust me, I can have more fun sober than you can when you’re wasted.”

Lucian rolled his eyes with a silly grin spread across his face. “Whateverrr.”

And that’s how Melanie found herself in Lindsey Hall’s bathroom, making herself throw up into the toilet. She stuck her finger down her throat to hit her gag reflex, making sure to have every calorie hit the road before it was fully digested. The cheap school breakfast, Lucian’s lunch, the party snacks, all of it. She wanted it all gone.

It hurt. Throwing up everyday made her diaphragm sore and her stomach upset beyond belief. She figured the pain she felt was really just her body eating itself, slimming down to the perfect waistline and flat tummy she wanted. If she kept this cycle going — eating like a fucking pig then purging — she’d look better. Look thinner.

Become beautiful.

It took her twenty minutes to get it all done. She always packed a toothbrush in her bag so she could brush all the grime out anywhere she wanted, practically making her gums bleed from how much pressure she used to muffle the taste. Amidst her tearful routine of cleaning her mouth out, she finally heard the expected knock against the door. She groaned and wiped her lips, putting her toothbrush back into its original position in her leopard-print handbag.

“I’m in here!”

“Melll, come onnn! We’re gonna take shots!”

Melanie rolled her eyes. Telling by his slurred words, Lucian was already pushing his body’s limits of intoxication. Like usual.

Fixing her hair and lipstick, she pulled herself together and tried to conceal her tears. “Okay, okay, I’m coming.”

[gettingfrilly]

Can't get you out of my Ed

Chapter one of... 39 chapters lmao. This fic will kill me and I'll be damned if I don't take some of you down with me. Read it here or on ao3. Super mega thanks to @fish-bowl-2 for betaing and also for giving feedback on my massive outline.

--------------------------------------------------

“Ppbbbbbbththtbbbhththtthhhhh.”

“Dude.”

“Dude yourself.” Eddy mutters, not caring if Kevin objects to his bored mouth noises. What else is he supposed to do? It’s Wednesday, five pm, and raining. No one's been in the candy store for hours, and ain’t no one gonna show up before they close at six. So he stands here bored out of his skull, full weight propped against the counter with his face squished in his hands, elbows velcroed to the permanently sticky wooden surface. He keeps his eyes where they’ve been glued for the last hour, which is directly on the nostalgic kitsch wall clock with plastic lollipops for hands and pounded sheet metal with a scene from some 50’s style soda shop superimposed on it for a face. It goes well with the completely non-functional jukebox in the corner, the rows of dusty, empty, retro soda bottles lining the shelves on the wall opposite the front door, and the 40 year old ice cream machine behind the counter that’s been out of order since last summer. Eddy had felt giddy when Kevin first got him a job here his freshman year, tickled by his younger self’s hypothetical jealousy over how easily he could pocket a jawbreaker here and there. The garish clashing of the puke green tiles and pastel pink walls had filled him with bittersweet memories of childhood, familiar and welcoming for a first time job.

Now he just finds the whole store ugly. 

“You could, ya know. Work.” Kevin suggests. “Clean something. Stock something. Anything other than standing there with your thumb up your ass.”

“Oh? And you can’t?” He asks while side eyeing Kevin, who is also currently standing around with his thumb up his ass. More specifically, he’s leaning backwards against the displays behind the counter, wide shoulders slouched as his arms dangle at his sides. The clean hairline of his crew cut frames his wide, blocky face with sharp angles. He’s been made up of solid, sturdy shapes since he started playing for the varsity team in his junior year, and his workout regimen has further defined his muscles in the years since. Eddy wouldn’t exactly describe him as beefy, but his build is athletic for sure. He’s also classically handsome, Eddy begrudgingly admits to himself, though he’s not really his type. Too much of a normie for his tastes, with his basic sense of style and outfit compiled of store brand athletic wear. Guy shops at Old Navy for sure. Well, more like his mom shops for him there.

“I’m the boss. I’ve got underlings to do that kind of stuff for me.” An annoyingly smug smile graces his shovel shaped chin, and Eddy can’t help but grind his teeth.

“For your information, bossman, ” he hisses the title, “shelves: dusted. Floors: mopped. Inventory: stocked. Windows: windexed. Hell, I even ordered the lollipops by color out of fucking boredom. There is truly not a single thing left to do.”

Kevin hums and scratches his ten acre chin. “Oh. Well. Pbth.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

‘ Come now, with your cleaning skills, surely you left something amiss. Did you wipe down the floor trim? Deep clean the register? I see plenty of snack crumbs wedged between those sticky keys. And you didn’t even mention the employee bathroom, for heaven’s sake. ’

“Shut up.” He mumbles under his breath. “Huh?”

“Nothing. Hey, how’s Nazz doing?” Kevin’s and Nazz’s shaky relationship isn’t exactly his favorite can of worms to open, but he’s starting to get bored enough to peel his eyelids off of his face, so he better strike up some kind of conversation. 

“ Man- ” Yup, here we go, “I don’t get what’s up with her. Ever since she moved to Buffalo she’s been acting all different and weird. Dunno what happened to the Nazz we used to know.”

‘ She grew up. Which is something you may want to look into yourself, Kevin. 19 years old and no interest in pursuing a higher education or a greater calling like our dear Nazz has. Tut tut.’

“Yeah, it’s almost like she cares about shit now or something.”

“Exactly,” Kevin bemoans, completely missing Eddy’s sardonic tone. “I don’t get all the polisci stuff she talks about. I’m just not a political guy, ya know? Why can’t things just go back to being simple between us? College wrecks people, man.”

On one hand, even Eddy can tell Kevin’s being pig-headed about this. On the other hand, he can relate on a very painful, squishy, sore, and tender level.

‘Well you are quite pig-headed yourself.’

“She just outgrew this small town shit. We all should. I know I’m getting out of here as soon as I graduate.”

“Speak for yourself. I like it here.” Kevin mutters while crossing his arms petulantly.

“Of course you do, mister former high school quarterback nepo baby. You already got shit made here. Doesn’t your dad own the candy factory now?”

“Vice president. But yeah, he’ll own it soon. And he’s thinking of expanding. But what are you complaining about? Aren’t you all set up to inherit your old man’s dealership? That place makes decent dosh.”

“I’d rather eat nails.” The words come grinding out of his mouth as if it were already full of sharp, pointy metal.

“What? No way, man, you used to brag about that place all the time. Said it was your legacy and that you were gonna make it the hottest place in the county to get a used car.”

“Times change.” That’s the only explanation he’s willing to offer.

Kevin just shrugs, much to Eddy’s gratitude. That’s probably the best thing about being friends with Kevin; guy doesn’t ask questions. Makes him a solid person to vent to.

‘Especially if you’re allergic to discussing your feelings.’

With a long suffering groan, Eddy literally peels himself off of the old counter to do another useless perimeter search of the shop. He knows he still won’t find anything to do, but at least it’ll get his body moving. His sneakers squeak against the freshly mopped floors (so bored he even got out the mop, for chrissake…) as he eyes the displays, watching his reflection warp and transform from one glass container to the next, an endless hall of funhouse mirrors mocking him with his own boredom, irritation, and overall misery. His fault for scrubbing them all until they were spotless. The hole punched cardboard pallet that holds a variety of different brands of lollipops is just as hue spectrum oriented as he left it, so this time he goes for ordering them by size and shape instead. Well, that killed two minutes. Walk by the freezers, rearrange  some mismatched soda bottles he missed before. 30 seconds. Scrape a fleck of taffy off of one of the sliding door handles. 20 seconds. Stare at the wall for five seconds. Bang his head against it. Another second. Bang. Another second. Bang. Another second. Bang.

“I’m taking a smoke break!” He calls loudly over the shelves in the direction of the front counter, not waiting for Kevin to respond before frantically scrambling towards the backroom. He nearly trips over a broom as he bursts into the cramped space, swearing at it uselessly as he stumbles over to his locker. It gets jammed as usual, the damn thing, Eddy jiggling the handle with a growl before he finally tears it open. The hood of his windbreaker catches on one of the locker’s internal hooks, causing Eddy to shout obscenities until he finally shakes it loose and shoves his arms into the sleeves. He stomps towards the back door and bumps it open with his hip as he wrestles with the zipper, getting himself encased once he steps outside into the muggy July evening air.

The door slams shut behind him as he huddles under the small overhang of the dirty green awning adorned above the back door, fishing his pack of camel menthols out of the pocket of his windbreaker. The hush of rain against the pavement and rhythmic pounding of droplets plunking against the rusty metal of the awning harmonize well together, creating a nice soundscape to back up the click click click of his lighter. He mutters swears under his breath like a prayer, internally praising glory hallelujah once the cig balanced between his lips lights and he can breath in deep and slow, the mint flavoring tickling his nose hairs and soothing the burn of hot smoke in his windpipe. Smoke billows from his mouth and nose after he’s held in his lungful for as long as he can, his exhale audible and pointed heavenward, smoke catching and lingering on the underside of the sheet metal above. 

‘Those will kill you.’

“The sooner the better.” Eddy mumbles, letting gravity pull his loosening body down against the wooden door behind him, desperate for a paint job. He takes another grateful drag as he watches the rain bounce and slide off of trashbags, forming muddied puddles in the potholes below. The hit of nicotine puts a fuzzy blanket over the constantly firing nerve endings in his brain, making his eyes droop as he fights back a yawn. Double D doesn’t know what he’s talking about, calling nicotine a stimulant. Smokes practically put him to sleep. 

He sneers down at the ground. What’s he got to even do these days other than work, smoke, sleep, repeat? The only thing he has to look forward to are the occasional phone calls he makes to Ed at the military school his shithead mom shipped him off to last summer before they all started their junior year. Double D and Ed were inconsolable that day, clinging to each other and sobbing as Ed’s dad silently packed his red commodore with sparse necessities, the rest of Ed’s belongings in boxes marked for the salvation army. The memory still makes Eddy’s eyes burn, the same way they did that day as he blinked to hold back his tears, repeating to the other two that they’d call, they’d write, they’d visit, and once senior year was done in two years, the three of them would be out of here. Double D would definitely get accepted to some fancy shmancy school on a fancy shmancy scholarship, and the two of them would follow along, working whatever jobs available so that their combined income with Double D’s scholarship funds could net them a nice apartment in whatever fancy shmancy city Double D went to for school. They’d be free of this pimple on the map of America called Peach Creek, free from their families, free from public school, free to be themselves. There’d be a queer scene, he told Double D. They’d be accepted there, he told him. It wouldn’t be like it is out here in the boonies. They wouldn’t have to hide.

Well, his plan may have less people in it now, but he’s sticking to it. He can’t stand the boredom anymore, can’t stand the confinement. If he spends one more summer afternoon staring at his bedroom ceiling, has one more shift during the dead hours of the candy store, has to give his dad one more excuse as to why he’s not dating anyone now that he’s got a paycheck, he’s going to burst out of his own skin like some kind of insectoid, brain sucking monster from one of Ed’s B-rated black and white horror flicks and suck the noggins of everyone in a five mile radius. He’ll get out of this shithole come hell or high water. He has to get out.

‘And go where, exactly?’

‘Anywhere but here.’

‘To do what?’

‘Live. Breathe. Stretch out and run around and scream and cry and shout and kick and hit and go and go and go.’

‘With who?’

‘Ed. Or no one. Who cares.’

‘You’d be alone.’

‘I’ve always been alone.’

‘That’s not true. You know that’s not true.’

Water streams from the corners of the awning, creating a puddle dangerously close to his Air Force 1s. An errant raindrop lands right on top of the toe of his left sneaker, and he grumbles as he bends over to swipe it away, cursing himself for not looking at the weather report before putting these on. He curses louder when a chunk of ash falls from his cig and takes up residence where the water droplet just vacated, grabbing it from his mouth to hold it out to the side as he frantically brushes off his shoe.

‘Please, Eddy, be careful! Think of how much money your mother spent on such a frivolous purchase.’

Eddy snarls, sick to death of this incessant nagging. “Just shut uuUGHH!”

The smack of the wooden door against his ass throws him completely off balance, staring down at his shoes one second then catching himself on his hands and gazing at a puddle inches from his face the next. Adrenaline rushes through his body, making his lungs seize up and his eyes go wide, the rain falling on the back of his head feeling far colder than it should be on a warm July evening. He keeps himself propped up on one hand as he swivels around to identify his attacker, blinking owlishly when he sees Kevin standing in the lit doorway, giving Eddy the same, wide eyed look.

“Dude. You okay?”

Anger quickly intermingles with his gut-dropping fear, gritting his teeth as he pushes himself back onto his feet. “Watch where you’re going, shovel chin!”

Kevin places one hand on his hip while he holds the door open with the other, expression blasé. “Doors are for opening, man. Anyway, we’re closing up. Just wasting money at this point.”

He finally catches his breath, raising his cigarette to take another calming drag, only to feel something unpleasantly cold and soggy touching his lips. Damn it. His hand must have landed in a puddle. He groans and pushes his now wet hair out of his face.

“These ain’t fucking cheap.” He grumbles, flicking the unlit stub to the ground.

“Did you even hear me, man?”

“Huh? Oh.” Calmer and less distracted now, his brain finally catches up with what Kevin said. “Yeah, great idea, bossman!” The title is used in a much more jolly manner than before, giving Kevin a pat on the back and leaving a stubby, wet handprint behind as he pushes past him and back into the backroom to grab the rest of his stuff. He kicks off his nice sneakers to trade them for the ratty back ups he keeps in his locker, stepping into the worn pair as he puts his multi-colored Nikes into his water proof backpack for safe keeping.

Kevin sneers and murmurs something Eddy is sure was insulting as he looks behind himself and at the back of his shirt. “I’ve got to count money and lock up if you wanna stick around to help-”

Eddy’s locker slams abruptly, echoing loudly in the small space as he slings his drawstring bag over his shoulders and puts his hood up in quick, jerky motions. “Bye, seeya later, hasta la vista, sayonara, annyeong.” He half-jogs out of the back room before finishing his goodbyes, ignoring Kevin’s jeering as he slips through the door to the front room. He continues his half jog past the candy displays, snagging a jawbreaker and shoving it into his pocket next to his smokes before heading out the door and back out into the rain.

He breathes in a deep breath of freedom as he stretches his arms out to his sides and then over his head, making his way back to the cul de sac with a skip in his step. The world is his oyster now that he’s off of work. Now he can… he can… well.

The skip turns into a slow trudge as Eddy remembers he doesn’t actually have anything post work to look forward to, mood sinking further and further with each dark and empty store he passes by. Looks like Kevin wasn’t the only one who decided to close up early; all of downtown is dead. And it’s just not the cafe, the butcher shop, and the shoe store that are dark. It’s too early for the street lights to come on, but the sky is thick with heavy rain clouds, keeping the sunlight prisoner behind the bubbling veil of black and gray. His eyes turn down to the wet cement of the sidewalk with its divots and potholes, floating cigarette butts in the puddles that formed within them, scowling at his feet as they pointlessly move beneath him. What’s he even going home to? Another evening zoning out in front of the TV? Maybe lying upside down on his bed and listening to saccharine sweet slow dance songs? Then whatever he does will just be followed by chain smoking in the backyard until he’s tired enough to pass out as soon as his head hits the pillow, welcoming oblivion as an alternative to being left alone with his thoughts. It’s the same damn thing every day. And it’ll keep being the same damn thing every day until he gets out of here or dies. Dying may be the more convenient option at this point. It’d be a lot easier than having to finish high school before he beats it. All he has to do is wait for a car to come by and then jump out in front of it.

But no cars come. No one coming, no one leaving, a town stuck in stasis, the white noise enough to deafen him. His shoes are getting soaked. He’s gonna get cold feet.

Christ, he needs to quiet his fucking mind before he ends up as roadkill. He reaches into his pocket, fingertips brushing against the cool metal of his lighter before he finds his pack of camels, grasping onto it like a lifeline. He takes out the light with it, shaking a cig loose from the pack and into his waiting hand. He balances it between his pointer and middle finger, bringing it up to press it between his lips and under his hood so he can attempt to light it-

Only to immediately pull his hand away when he tastes blood on his tongue.

“The fuck?” He squeaks out, high pitched and startled. He looks at the cig and finds fresh red blood smeared on the paper and filter, but that’s not what’s most alarming; what has him wince and hiss under his breath is the sight of his hand, dark, slimy globules clotted together in the center with dried and flaky trails of blood running down between his fingers, some of it gathered under his nails, in his nail beds, and around the gold band on his ring finger. Rain splashes down into his open palm, the droplets saturating themselves with blood before they roll down the sides of Eddy’s hand and down his wrist, leaving trails of pink behind. He swipes his thumb gingerly over his palm and squints, scowl deepening when he discovers the cut beneath, small but deep. 

Damn it. Must have happened when he fell. Probably glass from a broken bottle. How did he not feel it? Stupid Kevin. Stupid door. He clicks his tongue and keeps walking, placing the cig back between his lips; he’s not gonna waste another one of these. It brings him minimal relief once it’s lit, his frayed nerves further agitated by the site, smell, and taste of his own blood. He’s had e-fucking-nough of that for one life time. Thankfully the shops start to become far and few between, with residential houses looming on the horizon. He’ll walk in through the back door to his room before his mom gets a chance to see his hand and starts freaking out. He’ll clean his hand, dry off his feet, and get out of this fucking rain. That’s something to sort of look forward to. Isn’t it?

When he turns the corner of rethink avenue several minutes later, all thoughts of the creature comforts of home disperse like a warren of rabbits intruded on by a fox. His cig, burned down to a stub at this point, dangles from his parted lips, eyes frozen on the looming portend of the past come to haunt him currently parked in his own fucking driveway. He’s freezing suddenly, all heat sapped out of him like someone pulled the plug, lungs becoming a vacuum as cosmic background radiation burns within them, singed by his only source of heat. It’s like he’s falling again, shoved from behind and just barely managing to protect his face from scraping the pavement. An unknown attacker from behind, the familiar sound of him breathing through his teeth.

He tastes blood on his tongue.

The cigarette butt falls from his lips as he turns away from the sight of the whale shaped trailer in front of his house, breaking out into a jog to the only other house he can think to go to, nestled right on the corner he just turned. His bedroom lights are on. His parents, as usual, aren’t home. He misses him with an ache deeper than anything else he’s felt in a long time.

He hopes Double D actually lets him in.

[thestarsearcher]

alright alright here's the cillian lore because you asked. this shit is crazy.

i met this guy back in 2022 and we weren't super close at first. then found out that we were gonna be in disney world at the same time. so we met up a few times over that trip and it was pretty great. he breaks up with his gf and tries to make me his rebound (i was identifying as a lesbian at this time i had little to no attraction to men so he was getting his hopes up for nothing) he was also close with my cousin and asked her to have sex with him, which her very Christian ass said "bitch fuck no"

he confesses his feelings for me and im like "sorry dude nuh uh". so we're planning our second time seeing each other and while we're there we hold hands and his (his hands were so damn sweaty) and yeah apparently his feelings never went away, and platonic hand holding doesn't exist to him

so in april of 2023 he gets with this aroace person, they break it off bcs well. they're aroace. and im attempting to comfort him and then he ghosts me for 3 days and i assume he's just dead. (this is where my dislike of ghosting first begins so yeah fuck you new person ghosting me WHO KNEW ALL ABOUT THIS. smh and people still try and defend them). anyways uh during this time i grow *feelings* because im left alone thinking he's dead. he comes back, does this whole apology thing, and then i start flirting with him because what else is my 14 year old ass supposed to do?

important uh. he's 3 years older than me. he just turned 19. this is uh. important

ok so during this time he meets my one irl friend and they get close. and he basically forces us into a love triangle. im having on and off feelings for him and become VERY codependent on him. so we meet up again and we kiss. it sucked. would not recommend. AND HE LIKE??? HADN'T SHAVED??? so yeah not a fan. anyways he then goes on to say my one friend is cute and it just puts a bad taste in my mouth.

now here's the wild shit.

after he leaves he sends me this what i like to call contract. in this contract it states that if we were to be together, i wouldn't be allowed to be with anyone else, no one could know until i was 19, and i would have to H A V E H I S C H I L D R E N.

IM BEING SO SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

so i back off and we stay friends for a bit on and off flirting. he's uncomfortable with it though because he's "not gay" and im trans. so he just throws this whole fit about it and it's like. in some weird way kinda transphobic??? like it's weird.

so when he turns 18 he basically ghosts me, and im still very codependent on him and then i start to lose my mind. he's supposed to come and see me, but then cancels a week before. i break things off with him because i just can't do it anymore.

now we're nearly at the present day. in september i find out that he couldn't visit me BECAUSE HE WAS HOMELESS AND HIS PARENTS MOVED TO HAWAII AND HIS DAD GOT ARRESTED. WE THEN START TALKING AGAIN AND HE APOLOGIES FOR EVERYTHING AND IM JUST LOSING MY MIND.

and now. as of today. i find out that he is moving to germany in 8 months and im just like GIRL WHATTTT

and that's the very abridged cillian lore because there's so much more

bro this is so rigged.. dad lore goes crazy for my moots out there.. I dunno what to say, sorry, I'm terrible at this shit. Hope you get better? God, I sound like a fucking jerk but.. GOD DAMMIT I just hope ur better and uhhh stay manly dude!!!

[the-kinfesssional]

So I’m not the type of guy to be against KFFs or doubles. It doesn’t really bother me at all.

Recently, i checked the account of somebody who reblogged my post with reaallly positive reaction to it. But it turns out they KFF me. And I dunno. It just sorta made me feel weird?

I feel bad for feeling that way, though I dunno. It’s flattering that they relate so much to me, but it just immediately kinda left a sour taste in my mouth.

It’s kinda how I feel when a roleplay blog of me reblogs my stuff. On one hand, I have no anger or vitriol towards them. In the other, it’s just kinda funky that there’s a person out there acting like me.

I dunno. Complicated feelings. I’m not gonna say that kinnies or RPers of me should DNI with my account, though. Hhhhhh

Hey, it's okay, you just can always ask them not to, just be nice, okay?

[gloryride]

OC INTERVIEW

tagged by @chevvy-yates ♥♥ thanks! I know who you want, so here baby driver <3

-- Name --

Enzo Angelo Sarto. No, don't call me Lorenzo, i don't like this name, and i don't care was my nonno name. My parents call me like that when i screw up. So it's Enzo, capisce ?

-- Nickname --

Lot of people call me Enzolino because some race commentators called me that when I won my first race at 16. I was the youngest racer for years. Because "-ino" in Italian means "little". And i still have this name, even i'm a tall ragazzo and i'm 24. And so many of my family calls me Lino, some close friends too. But i prefer people call me Enzo. Except Jay who calls me Babe, adn that's really cute in his pretty mouth.

-- Gender --

Cis Male

-- Star Sign --

Born in October 30, i'm a proud Scorpio !

-- Height--

1m89, or 6"2 if you want

-- Orientation --

Bisexual

-- Nationality/Ethnicity --

Italian. I don't care i never saw Italia in my life, but all my famiglia is italian so am i ! Yeah yeah, i know i was born in Arizona, but it's from Free States not NUSA, right ? I can't be American, so i'm Italian.

-- Fave Fruit --

I love prickly pears, because you find many in deserts around New Mexico, when they're not toxic. Mia mamma does pretty neat marmelades with. I like oranges too, when they're ripe and sweet

-- Fave Season --

Spring, when it starts to be a bit hot but not too much. And sometimes it rains, feels so good after a day in a desert !

-- Fave Flower --

Don't see many flowers in desert, except cactus flowers. I had a bouquet of lilies and peonies when I won my last Vegas Race - they smelt really good!

-- Fave Scent --

Maybe i have weird taste, but i love motor oil smell, as like hot asphalt, then refreshed by rain. In more classic, when lasagna just came out still hot, or just citrus smell.

-- Coffee, tea or hot chocolate --

Coffee, that's a basic.

-- Average hours of sleep --

Chaotic and my dark circles speak for me. I go to bed late but wake up early, sometimes i don't sleep, because i start working with my dad at 6am to avoid heat in desert. I take nap afternoon and when i can, but i rarely sleep a long night.

-- Dog or Cat person --

I love dogs, but if i can choose another animals i prefer geckos. You can see a lot in desert, they're adorable.

-- Dream trip --

I travel all the time so i dunno ... maybe going to Italy and see where my famiglia come from ? Or maybe just on the East Coast of NUSA, just to see how it is, and seeing if there are some races.

-- Favorite fictional character --

This guy in Bushido 6 : Street Score plays by Drew Garcia, always forget his name. He's a dick but so cool with his car. Saw the scene too many times ... And i saw many western movies with my brother Virgile, i really love the ones with Terrence Hill. So Nobody in My Name is Nobody and ... what's the name in English ? Vabbè. Lo chiamavano Trinità, where he plays Trinita, awesome too !

-- Number of blankets they sleep with --

Between none and one. If i sleep alone, one. If i'm with Jay, he spreads the blanket away so i have nothing ... except him.

-- Random fact --

It's something I never talk about because I don't have any information. But I have… I had… an older sister. My mother was married and he left to join the Wraiths with their baby. We know that he was killed a year later, but there's no trace of the baby. Mamma searched and never found her, and she still wonders where she is, if she's still alive. It seems that's why she only had me with Dad, the fear of losing me too would have been a kind of psychological block and she was never able to have other children.