#but this just feels like the writing intentionally making him not realize something he otherwise would have a long time ago because plot lo

[recurring-polynya]

a cool thing about writing bleach fanfic is that i have read certain parts of the canon so many times that i feel like i know it really well and then i'll realize there's something i have absolutely no clue about. today's example: in the wake of Ichigo storming Soul Society, how widespread was the knowledge that Urahara had been assisting him?

Aizen knew, obvs, for Aizen reasons, but some of the stuff he mentions, like Urahara's known base of operations being in West Rukongai-> the involvement of known Urahara associates Shiba Kuukaku and Shihouin Yoruichi and other clues probably had a number of characters such as Yamamoto, Ukitake, Kyouraku, Unohana suspicious. I feel like Soi Fon and Kurotsuchi could easily have put it together as well, but I did not get that vibe from them so either they didn't or they were just too distracted or in Kurotsuchi's case, he probably did put it together and just didn't care (or pretended not to care)

When the captains finally show up in Hueco Mundo, we learn that Urahara had been working with the Gotei for some time so obviously his involvement has been known at some high enough level of security clearance.

Did Byakuya ever officially report the fact that Ichigo Hollowified right in front of him, which may not have meant much to him, but probably would have been a big tip-off to Yams. On one hand, it does not feel very Byakuya of him to leave something like that out of a report, but on the other hand, I really feel like he just kept it to himself.

Would Rukia have mentioned Urahara in her debriefings after she was arrested? On one hand, I do not think she understood who Urahara was and would not have thought much of mentioning him. On the other hand, Rukia is a "snitches get stitches" type to the marrow of her bones and I feel like she would have intentionally wiped any mention of him from her narrative 99% on principle and 1% for the purposes of protecting Ichigo

If I were banished from Soul Society and hiding out in the Living World, I would use an assumed name, probably all the time, but AT VERY LEAST for the case of interacting with active-duty shinigami. The only person who actually did this was Isshin and I honestly believe he just changed his name for wife-guy reasons.

Ichigo did, very much, straight up tell Ikkaku that Urahara taught him to fight and it was quite clear that Ikkaku was fully aware of who Urahara was. Did Ikkaku tell anyone this or otherwise do anything with this information? I feel like he did not.

Does Ikkaku have a security clearance???????

I would not give Ikkaku a security clearance

If I were going 100% by the manga, I would assume that Yoruichi ghosted after they failed to arrest Aizen, given that she's still very much banished, but in Honey Dish Rhapsody, she apparently hung around with Soi Fon for a while. Is it possible that she had some meetings with the Gotei higher ups in the interests of re-establishing a relationship/working on getting the banishment reversed? My heart wants to say no, but Yoruichi often makes herself freely available to the Gotei in filler arcs, so who knows?

When the Advance Team first goes to the Living World, Renji goes to stay at Urahara's in the interest of "asking" Urahara why he put the hogyoku in Rukia (I assume "asking" is a euphemism for breaking his nose). I feel like this could be the natural follow-on to the idea that Renji just got handed a file of classified info related to this mission and is freshly Hot Mad at this dude he didn't know existed up until now.

Presumably, Rukia also could have given Renji a more detailed version of her time in Karakura in a non-official capacity

Presumably also, the Karakura kids could have gone around telling anyone who would listen about their Mysterious Shop Keeper Friend

I think the answer I'm leaning towards is that the Gotei higher-ups knew about Urahara's involvement and re-established communication with him, possibly in an obfuscated way so as not to run into trouble with Central 46 (fairly easy to do, since they were dead at the time). It's a pretty poorly kept secret, but on the other hand, Gotei op-sec seems to lean pretty heavily on the assumption that people who accidentally learn state secrets don't know what they are looking at and will most likely forget it in a day or two anyway.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

also I honestly hate Dazai's sudden bullshit theory about Hawthorne's blood bullets to explain how Fyodor killed the soldier at the end of the cannibalism arc, and the fact that this somehow never even occurred to him until now. Normally I do love seeing Dazai be wrong and be shocked/taken off guard for once, it's way too rare and needs to happen a lot more for how goddamn OP he is the rest of the time, but in this case instead of making him feel human from making a natural mistake (forgetting about Q, pinning the wrong person as Fyodor during the helicopter search in cannibalism), it just makes him look incredibly dumb to somehow not have foreseen this before now. Up till this point he's been 5D chess masterminding the shit out of everything, but somehow it didn't even occur to him that Fyodor might not actually be dead for real....... and all it took to make him think that was Sigma viewing his memories? Back when the cannibalism incident happened, the panels seem to indicate that he might know more about Fyodor's ability than he's letting on, but now it's confirmed that he never really knew anything at all, so that part was meaningless I guess...

The Hawthorne theory is so ludicrously out there, but it's in-line with all the other insanely out there things Dazai has been right about before, so it's probably correct lmao; it's just, WHY did he not come up with it until now??? The answer is of course that he didn't realize it until the Plot needed him to, and it's so frustratingly evident. 🫠 As convoluted as this twist is, I honestly wouldn't mind it if it had come from Fyodor himself after he inevitably comes back to taunt Dazai and co — I actually think it doesn't contradict everything else we've seen, because imo there's a difference between the soldier grabbing Fyodor's arm (clear contact), and when Fyodor lightly held his finger over Karma's forehead and most likely used his real ability there, just like he said he did. I think it's neat to think that we were all misdirected by the "Fyodor's ability works through direct contact" thing just because Dazai is the one who first said it, since we're so used to Dazai being right. But I wish Dazai hadn't figured out the truth all on his own so suddenly, doing a complete 180 from like two chapters ago, cause it just makes him look stupid. It doesn't feel like a natural mistake, it just feels like the plot forcing him to be dumb until it needs him to be smart again, which is really noticeable for a character otherwise so insanely smart as Dazai.

[malarign]

situationship

(when you’re not dating yet)

contains: bf!maknaeline x fem!reader | genre: fluff | tw! none i think! | wc: 0,5k

reblogs are highly appreciated!!!

author’s note: promise that after this i’m going to write the rest of reqs in my inbox 🫡 sorry for the wait anons!!

you’ll find hyung line version here!

Kim Sunoo | 김선우

shy

Everybody knew how sassy and confident Sunoo may be, but the moment you’re in the room with him, he becomes pretty shy and quiet. He enjoys admiring you talking passionately about your hobbies and can’t help a smile that tells everybody in the room how interested he is, including you.

To break the initial ice he calls you nearly every day for “school purposes” just to have an excuse to talk to you more. With time, your phone calls became more like a tea-spilling conversation, which you awaited impatiently every evening. It became your ritual, a tradition none of you wanted to break, even when things got pretty serious between you two.

After a while, he would become more and more confident, talking with you wasn’t a problem anymore, thanks to your regular phone calls. As a result, he established his new favorite spot to place his head which was your shoulder. During those energetic days, he would lay his head there to comfortably show you something on his phone, while during those harsh days, he would doze off almost immediately, the comfort of your touch making him extremely sleepy.

Yang Jungwon | 양정원

pretty shy

Jungwon is so shy but at the same time so good at hiding his nervousness around you, you didn’t even realize you’re actually in a situatinship with him. Everything about his feelings for you is so soft, so delicate, just like a feather. His interest in you is not loud, it’s rather like a whisper, but who would mind?

When I say he is shy, I mean too shy to even take your hand. He just can’t help the blush from making his nervousness obvious at even the slightest touch that involved you. Instead, to try to give you some clue, he intentionally brushes his hand on your while walking, just because if he really did hold it properly his heart would jump out of his chest (no lies, straight facts).

He’s very attentive to you and always takes his time for you. You could just mention you wanted to go on a late-night walk but you were too scared to go alone, he’s already putting his shoes on and getting ready to go to your place. Something about those walks specifically helped him calm down, all thanks to your comforting presence.

Nishimura Riki | 西村力　

both shy and confident

Just like Heeseung, when Riki likes somebody he makes sure the person he’s into knows about his feelings. He makes it very clear, not by his words but by his actions, that never were unintentional. Every smile, every laughter, every joke, everything he did was supposed to show you his heart is full of you.

His absolute favorite way though would be teasing you (you can’t prove me otherwise). Playful jokes and sarcastic comments were his default way to say: “hey! i like you!”. The problem appeared when you teased him back. He would be so taken aback by the way you could place a blush on his cheeks with total ease. His eyes would become bigger and his brain would start to malfunction, unable to stop thinking about it.

Riki sometimes still doesn’t realize how big his body grew, overestimating now only his size but also his strength. That would often result in you being pushed away whenever he playfully bumped into you. At first, he got worried, but soon after saw that as an opportunity to catch you.

thank you for reading! back to the masterlist

taglist: (open) @nicholasluvbot, @en-chantedtomeetyou, @skzenhalove, @nfrgirl, @kpoprhia, @redm4ri, @jaelaxies

[itsabouttimex2]

YOOO (❍ᴥ❍ʋ) 🩷 I just wanted to say I like the way you convey and write characters. I also love your takes and perspectives on LMK. I find myself agreeing with you more often than not lol. I feel like some people in the fandom tend to portray Macaque or Mk as whiny hoes or uwu bottoms tbh (¬_¬). Which is whatever bc it’s their life ig but they be pissing and shitting them selves when someone doesn’t agree or align to what they think of these fictional characters, especially with the damm ships but I think that’s a problem in most fandoms tho (-_-｡). Anyway I just want to say I love and appreciate your works and your perspectives/opinions on specific characters, I personally love your blunt way of responding to things bc for me that’s the best way I can understand what someone is trying to say, most times I can’t really tell if someone has an undertone or meaning something else instead of what they’re actually saying y’know, (⊙﹏⊙✿).

You earned yourself a Freakbob🩷🖤🩷🖤🩷🖤🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺

Okay, first of all- thank you so much! I’ve come to enjoy my writing far more than I did at the start of my blog, which makes me pretty happy- and other people enjoying it also is an absolute delight!

Also- LMAOO “Whiny hoes” is like… probably the best explanation for those two act in fanon.

I think it goes even a step further with MK and Macaque with how much I’ve seen people outright project onto them, which feels like a trend I’ve seen in general through fandoms-

Where people sort of “latch on” to a character with some shortcomings or “unrelatable” aspects, like being an asshole or maybe prone to shutting the world away instead of reaching out for help, which to some people makes characters not realistically flawed, but instead “wrongly” flawed, which they then try to “fix”.

MK/Macaque (any conventionally attractive/tall dark and handsome character gets put through this wringer, with Avatar’s Zuko being one I also distinctly recall undergoing it) usually gets whatever personality and identity the author had stapled onto him, and then given a stack of sadsack traits while anything “bad” or “mean” is scraped out because “that’s not relatable”.

Often the only “flaws” that are left are entirely PG and trend towards being utterly out of the character’s control, while simultaneously being “sympathetic” in nature, such as having anxiety, being insecure, being closed off from trauma, etc…

And for villainous/formerly-villainous characters like Macaque, fans start to sound more an abuser’s enablers than actual fans in a distinctly “The Narcissist’s Prayer” sort of way.

“He didn’t do anything bad!”

(Proof is shown of how they did do wrong.)

Okay, he did, but it wasn’t that big of a deal!”

(Proof to the contrary is shown.)

“Okay, it was kinda bad, but he didn’t mean it!”

(​‘He was just trying to teach MK a lesson’ yeah by torturing him and violating the consent and autonomy of three people. ‘Oh, but he just didn’t want MK to turn out like Wukong!’ By beating the kid around and mocking him? When it’s made clear that Macaque doesn’t understand either of them enough to deliver life lessons? ‘…he didn’t mean any of it!!!’)

Where the goalpost is shifted further and further and further back because people are so desperate to cling to that non-existent “perfectly relatable character” that they desperately try to undermine any actual flaws or shortcomings the character they pretend to love as is actually has.

And eventually you realize that at least some of these fans never really loved the character for anything other than their attractive shell, which has been long hollowed out and grifted with “unproblematic” flaws.

And I think this all in general is fueled by the continuous push for “non-problematic” content in general, in which a thing that is “bad” (intentionally or otherwise) somehow becomes “morally wrong” to enjoy.

[genericpuff]

I wanna add to the whole “hades keeping persephone’s things in a drawer” controversy. I watched all her videos the she uploaded patreon and I specifically remember Rachel herself saying that she was VERY aware it was creepy and she would not be okay with this behavior irl. She laughed it off saying that lots of romantic tropes like this would not be okay in real life—but in movies and media they get a pass because they frame it as something endearing. So she IS self aware about the whole thing at least🤷🏻‍♀️

Ugh, that just makes it kinda worse tho tbh LOL Like being self-aware of something being toxic doesn't make that toxic behavior 'okay', especially if you're intentionally romanticizing it or never making the FL in your comic aware of what her now-husband has been doing since day 1, especially in a comic that's trying to be "feminist".

Like I know it's something sold to teenage girls a LOT that it's "romantic" if the guy they "finally" ended up with was holding onto "keepsakes" from them before they dated ("omg, they were in love with me the whole time!") But a lot of people in their 20's and upwards can tell you that it's not so "romantic" when you realize that much of your relationship may have been manufactured or that the guy you're with was essentially stalking you prior to getting with you. It can make the relationship feel far more disingenuous and targeted rather than something that grew organically. Especially when it's really intimate shit that the other party should not have access to like personal letters you wrote in confidence to a friend.

Shit, I know it's not something that's "real life" because it's fantasy, but even Hades going so far as to ask the Fates for a tape of his memories that involved Persephone is a HUGE red flag - they make it VERY clear that you can't just do that, you need consent from the other parties who are involved in that memory, WHICH MAKES TOTAL SENSE, but they give it to him anyways because "aww he's in love and it's his future qween :>"

The irony that LO tries to be progressive with the notion of consent but then stomps on it every time it involves anything that isn't blatant assault. Consent applies to more than just sex. Persephone did not give consent to Hades taking the letter she had sent Hecate, she did not give consent to Hades taking the tape of memories that involved her, and she was never made aware of Hades keeping intimate objects that either belonged to her or were affiliated with her (ex. the mug with her lipstick print).

Like... is this romantic? Really? Because it seems more manipulative than anything else. I know being above the gods and even their own destinies is the nature of the Fates but that's why they typically don't directly involve themselves in the lives of mortals and gods (and in a lot of media that references them, they typically speak in riddles or don't fork over the information plainly) otherwise what would be the point of "fate" to begin with if anyone could walk up to the Fates and be like "hey, tell me something I'm not supposed to know so I can change the path I'm on."

God of War does this better than LO with the Norse equivalent of the Fates, the Norns:

Being self-aware of Hades shitty behavior does not make it okay to romanticize, it doesn't absolve Rachel of writing a toxic romance and selling it as "couple goals". Especially in a comic that claims to be feminist and aware of the importance of consent. If that's the case, Persephone needs to learn the meaning of the word 'no' and Hades needs to learn that he can't have whatever he wants just because he's a King.

[mediocre-daydreams]

𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥, 𝐬𝐚𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐲: send me a character and “opposites attract” duo (ex. grumpy x sunshine, loner x popular) for a blurb!

finnick odair (popular/shy) please! i think it'd be so sweet :)

ok so i just started typing and this emerged and i'm not sure how well this fits the request or if it makes sense but you've got me in my finnick feels and now i have this urge to write for him but bro i have so many WIPs how could u do this to me :(((((

finnick odair x reader // 1.2k

you have an odd relationship with finnick. are you acquaintances? begrudging friends? enemies just for the sake of having someone to squabble with? in any other situation, you’d want a definitive answer. but it’s the 75th hunger games, and in all honesty, you couldn’t give less of a damn about finnick odair.

you’ve only met him a few times, when the capitol invites all the victors for some frivolous celebration for anniversary of a glorified massacre. it’s horrible, you’re more than aware. but some part of you feels a little better that you get to see finnick, because as much as he is confusing and for reasons unbeknownst to you, he seems to have your back.

the parade is twice as busy this year but the capitol spectators seem thrice as enthusiastic. you silently thank your designer for prematurely accepting your death, because it means he didn’t bother to design something extravagant (by capitol standards) and embarrassing (by your standards).

“well, don’t you just look ravishing?” a male voice sounds near your ear and you feel a warm breath tickle the side of your face.

you fight the urge to grab the nearest sharp object and stab your opponent. you turn your head, slowly and intentionally, to the source of the noise and are unsurprised at who you find. “finnick?” it sounds more like a statement than a question.

“surprised to see me?” finnick grins, flashing you those teeth that must’ve been capitol-modified. they aren’t, of course. finnick hates everything capitol, and that’s the only reason you let him stick around. there are no other reasons.

“um, no.” you wish you could come up with a better, wittier, cleverer, flirtier response, but there’s something about the way he smells—luxurious and a little briny and so fresh it’s almost cold, but the heat from his bare chest says otherwise… “no, i’m not surprised. i saw your reaping.”

you cringed, remembering how he’d volunteered for annie and how defeated he’d looked on that stage, standing next to his old mentor and trying to avoid eye contact with his crying ex-lover. annie had never been the same after her games. perhaps you shouldn’t have brought that up.

“i’m flattered,” finnick grins at you again, pinching his lower lip between his teeth. he’s got one elbow on a table and even though his free arm hangs loosely by his side, you feel trapped where you are. or at least you’re in no rush to get away from him.

“okay, well… that’s good?” you mumble, not sure where he gets his endless chain of banter from but wishing you could have some.

“it’s good,” finnick repeats, shaking his head in amusement. he runs his hands through golden curls, meticulously styled and sprayed to look effortlessly tousled, and you’re sure his styling team is somewhere nearby wishing death upon you for being the reason their pretty boy has (god forbid) a strand of hair out of place.

finnick calling your name with that lovely voice of his snaps you out of a daze you hadn’t realized you were in. you blink, slightly caught off guard. “sorry, what was that?”

“i said, see something you like?” finnick’s grin is more smug now, almost feline. he looks like he’s about to pounce and ruin your life with those damn eyes. or, spear you with his trident in the quarter quell. neither seem particularly appealing.

“no!” you deny. “no- i mean, that’s not what i meant-” you stammer, eyes jumping everywhere but his polished chest. had his team rubbed him down in baby oil? he was glowing, all tan skin and smooth planes and well defined ridges and-

“no, you don’t like me? i’ve gotta say, i’m a little hurt,” finnick teases. “and here i thought we had something going on.”

“gah, i didn’t mean that! i’m not ogling you, is all. ‘course i like you, as long as you’re not going to kill me on the first day,” you manage to get out.

“hey, your words, not mine.” finnick shrugs, a smirk gracing his lips. “but just for the record, i am ogling you.”

your eyes narrow in confusion.

“i mean it,” finnick continues, swallowing, and you don’t miss the way his eyes flicker away yours for a moment. almost like he’s nervous. “you look nice. you look really… pretty.”

it’s not a groundbreaking or particularly romantic statement, but it’s the most sincere you’ve ever seen finnick around someone who isn’t mags, and that means something to you. “i think you’re pretty too, finnick.”

his confidence returns. “y’know, i’m told that quite a bit. but it means a lot more coming from you, sweetheart.”

you purse your lips. “don’t get cocky, or i’ll take it back.”

“no take backs!” finnick sighs and licks his lips thoughtfully. you’re not sure if he’s trying to entice you on purpose, but either way, you’re enticed.

the conversation is lulling and it’s really finnick’s fault. you’re not much of a conversationalist. “uh,” you begin, not sure why you opened your mouth when you had nothing to say. “um, your horse is… well groomed. and- uh, your chariot- yeah.” you want to kill yourself. you’re going to die in a few days anyway, so you might as well die before you lose all your dignity to the most gorgeous man you’ve ever seen.

finnick snorts, unattractively horse-like, and you’re only a little comforted to know he’s not as perfect as he seems. “well, i’m sure the gamemakers will be pleased to hear that the procession is up to your standards.” he turns away from you to pat the side of his horse’s face and you get a good look at his high cheekbones and impossibly sharp jawline. you hate this man. 

the horse doesn’t seem to like finnick much. it flares its nostrils and finnick is forced to retreat, taking a step back and finding himself against a small table, useless and meant for decoration. atop it rests a bowl of sugar cubes, which are also useless and probably meant for decoration. you want to scoff at how dedicated the capitol is to performing false hospitality down to the last detail.

finnick turns to see what he bumped into and his eyes light up. he pinches a cube of sugar between his pointer finger and thumb and rolls it around, pretending to examine it. he returns his gaze to you. “some sugar for my sugar?”

you want to gag. finnick is so disgusting and you can’t imagine who would fall for his cheesy pick-up lines. not you, that’s for sure. “no thanks. i’m… allergic.”

“allergic to sugar? really?” finnick frowns, tossing the sugar cube in the air and catching it in his palm easily. “i’ve never met someone with a sugar allergy before.”

you shrug, caught up in your lie and grateful that finnick didn’t call you out on it. you didn’t know if you’d be able to survive the embarrassment of your verbal slip.

the sugar cube really is for show. he places it on the table with disinterest and curls his lip mischievously. “well, i suppose it doesn’t matter. you’re sweet enough to give me a cavity as it is.”

you can’t help yourself. “are you flirting with me?” your mind runs faster than your mouth, it seems, and now you’re pretty sure you’ve screwed up the chance to talk to this man ever again.

finnick looks at you oddly, raises his eyebrows, and purses his lips to hide what would probably be a stupidly smug smile. “no, with the horse.”

[nerves-nebula]

Remembered Mikey dissociates and imagines up all sorts of fantastical stories and adventures in his head, not grounded in reality at all. And I was thinking about how I also did that as a kid, thus none of my art or stories related to my deeply suppressed trauma at all. Except I actually just now realized it definitely did, just in more subtle and hard to see ways. It was stuff like scenes accidentally paralleling all the running away from home plans I made, and deity and angel type characters being exactly what I wanted my parents to be (guiding and safe etc.)

Anyway, are there any sorts of weird consistent themes like that going on in ur Mikey’s daydreams?

dissociation as a term evades me at times. like, I actively and intentionally ignored my surroundings a lot as a kid, especially when things got bad. i'd just spend time thinking of my fantasy worlds and tweaking situations between characters and stuff. i could be snapped out of it, but it's also a reason that I can't remember a lot of my childhood lol. but like, is that dissociation? at the time i thought of it more as just "ignoring stuff" if i didn't want to listen to my siblings fighting or i was bored or tired or annoyed, i'd force myself to think about other stuff. and that other stuff was daydreams cuz its not like i had shit going on as a kid. it was a distraction and one i did on purpose.

though there was a thing called "shut down" which I would do to myself when i was under extreme stress and pressure, which was kind of a further step, and more akin to real dissociation. but also somewhat akin to autistic shutdown so idk. these things overlap.

uhh anyway i think what mikey does is more like the "ignoring stuff" thing. you could probably call it maladaptive daydreaming. that's probably what it was.

I mentioned in one of my earlier Neglected posts that he writes his stories down and has like, a long ongoing epic about him fighting what is obviously a stand in for his dad. I think at the time i said he did that on purpose but I think I'mma change that, because it'd be more likely he does it on accident. I also brought up a character he made called "pizza horse" who learns to love herself despite people calling her an abomination for being half pizza half horse.

i think a lot of Mikey's stuff has to do with people being appreciated for things that make them weird, or learning to love themselves or something. first of all cuz that's an easy and popular thing to write about but secondly because splinter thinks he sucks and is weird and stupid and Mikey. doesn't like that! he doesn't like that his dad thinks he's weird and stupid!! it hurts :D sad thing is that even if you decide to say Fuck The Man!! it won't mean u no longer care that your dad hates you :3

anyway sorry i keep rambling the answer is YEA. there are reappearing themes of like, evil guardians, or maybe princes who were stolen by evil people or thrown out into the rain as babies to die- who eventually reclaim all the praise and power they were supposed to have. Kids getting often killing or otherwise "defeating" the people who abused/bullied/hurt them. typical abused kid power fantasy stuff.

I think there's probably a few edgy oc's in there too, like, shadow the hedgehog type edgy. like black and red with glowing eyes and half angel half demon and they end up killing the evil king who keeps them in the dungeon and beats them daily. and there's blood everywhere.

ok i started rambling again about something else under the cut uhhhh sorry its not relevant to ur ask at all asdfsadf

i like the idea of Mikey snapping at Leo, Donnie, and Raph later on cuz he was the first one to realize splinter sucks and they just kind of didn't listen to him for years haha. I like to think about them sitting in like a gay ass therapy circle or something talking about their feelings and mikey thinking.... "isn't this what I wanted? they all agree with me now. We don't live with splinter anymore. It's great. they're even talking about their feelings and trauma... why am i like. kind of angry."

it's something along the lines of him getting annoyed that they all wanted sympathy and companionship and brotherhood now that they realized Splinter is awful but when MIKEY was the only one saying Splinter Sucks nobody listened. Because they believed splinter when he told them Mikey was stupid. Because as poorly as splinter treated them, at least they were all worth something to him in some way.

Like, they all believed Splinter was an Ok Dad because they had stake in believing that. They didn't want to think their dad was awful, of course, but they also had stake in their identities as the favorite (leo), as someone who was making a meaningful contribution (raph), or as helpful towards someone/something good (donnie) and if Splinter turned out to not be worth all that effort- then that'd mean they all suffered for NOTHING.

but Mikey didn't get that. The identity splinter gave him was Useless, Stupid, Annoying one who wasn't as good as his brothers at anything important. And in Mikeys mind (though the reality is more complex), his siblings didn't care enough about him for the way splinter treated him to be seen as an indictment of splinters character. saying "splinter is a bad dad cuz he says i'm stupid" gets met with "but you are stupid tho." and "splinter is a bad dad because he starves me" gets met with "omg mikey you're not special we're all hungry stop whining"

and now they all want to whine about how bad things were??? AND THE WORST PART OF IT is that a lot of the time Mikey doesn't feel like he as a right to complain- i mean they were all doing way worse than him, right? they're sharing all these horrible stories! Donnie was in mental health hell and constantly getting groomed by ppl, Leo was getting sexually abused constantly and had all these secret rules and expectations, and raph had a hand in both mental health hell and sexual abuse AND he had a ton of responsibility when it came to their houses upkeep. Mikey got ignored and belittled but, like!! so what!! that's nothing compared to them.

but it still hurts :D growing up knowing you were in no uncertain terms that your dad thinks you're untalented and wishes he didn't have to deal with you.

Donnie got to be the weird but ultimately useful prodigy, Raph got to be the strongest, Leo got to be the leader, and Mikey got to be a joke.

[zombubble]

From In Memory; In Truth Chapter 13:

“It’s my job to help make running the sect easier, right?” Mo Xuanyu asks. “Not your job, anymore,” Jin Guangyao says, “but a favor that Gege would appreciate greatly. Do you think you can keep a secret for me?” A jolt of something in Mo Xuanyu’s core, the words familiar in all the wrong ways. Oh, he feels sick. Really fucking sick. “Of course,” he says, closing his eyes. Breathing. “A-Yu? Have I upset you?” Jin Guangyao stops him, grabbing him by the shoulders. “Gege is sorry, he didn’t mean—” “I’m just… seeing things,” Mo Xuanyu says. “Sorry, I—I didn’t want to appear weak, but I…” “Oh. That’s… It’s okay. Gege doesn’t think less of you. Why don’t you rest? I’ll come see you later about everything; there’s no rush.” Nodding, Mo Xuanyu bows his thanks to his brother. Lets a-Zhen lead him away. Tries not to get sick while they walk because his mind is reeling and everything is cold and hot and he doesn’t—doesn’t know what—why—when this happened but something happened. Something that started with words much like those. Not for the first time, he fears the full, unknown extent of what he’s gotten himself into. Not for the last time, he tells himself to stay strong, that he needs to help, that he can do this.

Got this snippet in the post in time, but then I realized this was the perfect moment to go into how Mo Xuanyu is characterized/portrayed in this fic, and it ended up taking me some time to write that up.

Given how little we know of Mo Xuanyu's particular brand of neurodivergence in MDZS, I've decided to put him on the schizophrenia spectrum, he has psychotic episodes, but does not have paranoia, (and believe me, I'm doing literally everything in my power to do this with respect to schizophrenic and psychotic buds out there, I don't want to do any of you dirty with this, you deserve better). He does have auditory, olfactory, and visual hallucinations throughout the fic, which get worse over time as he is under more and more stress.

In this scene, however, he's also lying to his brother and playing it up so Jin Guangyao underestimates him for his own reasons.

CW for nonspecific mentions of sanism, ableism, and various forms of abuse and discussions of consent following this, as I am going into a little bit of detail about how I've chosen to portray Mo Xuanyu, so people know what to expect from this fic with him being such a major character.

The tl;dr is Mo Xuanyu is treated with dignity and respect by those working alongside him, and is given adult levels of agency throughout the fic's present timeline. His mental illness is acknowledged and described, but not made fun of within or by the narrative. It is not considered a character flaw, but a disability, and I've tried to portray it respectfully. While some characters are sanist/ableist both to and about him, they are not major characters, nor are they in control of him. There are mentions of past abuse, but he gets good medical care throughout the fic. He is an important character with major positive contributions, could not be removed or switched out for another without drastic changes, and gets the happy ending he deserves (without a magic cure).

More on how I'm handling Mo Xuanyu after the cut (a little spoilery, but I've kept it as vague as possible. See above content warnings):

I don't want to spoil the plot too much in public, though I'm happy to answer questions privately via message or ask, but I will say up front that Mo Xuanyu is, very intentionally on my part, given adult levels of agency throughout the fic in decisions both big and small.

There are (brief) mentions of him being treated badly in the past, including not giving consent (informed or otherwise) to medicine/medical procedures and other instances of abuse similar to canon, including being relocated and restrained against his will, but within the present timeline of the fic he is under the purview of the Nie Sect and working with a doctor with whom he has a good, mutually respectful relationship.

He makes his own decisions (and has established plans for what he wants done when he's unable to do so safely), gives informed consent to all instances of medication and relocation that happen during the present timeline of the fic itself, and is treated respectfully by the people he's working with. Like Jin Guangyao above, some people make ableist (and sanist) assumptions (and commentary) both to and about him, and he does personally lean into those assumptions for the purposes of making people underestimate him.

Those who are working with him and care about him only play up his mental illness with his prior input, consent and at his behest, and these instances are few, far between, for the purposes of the mission they're on, and never used as the butt of a joke, or done in a mocking way.

Mo Xuanyu has a solid, well-developed personality outside of his mental illness, though does talk casually and frankly about the symptoms he experiences, including hallucinations and his disconnect from reality. He doesn't enjoy having symptoms, but he does not have a self-pitying or self-loathing inner monologue. Though sometimes he tries to hide his symptoms from others (and, at times, fails), he does not make a habit of minimizing them (or exaggerating them) when he's describing them seriously.

When he does speak lightly of them, it's not mocking, and I intentionally avoided anything that sounded like it might come across as "LoL so random omg!" types of humor. Overall, though, he typically refuses to go into details with others, though his inner narration in his pov does, on occasion, describe what he's seeing, hearing, or smelling, without lingering too long on the descriptions.

His visual hallucinations edge more towards abject horror (monsters, things moving that shouldn't be moving in the ways they're moving, people looking dead/like ghosts with unnatural features (pure black, bleeding eyes, far too many sharp, non-human teeth, as a few examples)) instead of utilizing potentially-real facial/muscular/skeletal differences or movement disorders for shock value.

I do not portray him as someone bloodthirsty or irrational when it comes to killing. He wanted his family dead for the abuse they caused, he wants his brother dead (and wishes he didn't) for various shitty actions at various times. With everyone else, he's kind of just trying to keep to himself (or, when he can, be helpful to the people he gets along well with) and not get involved with any more conflict than he has to. He does not kill anyone in the course of the fic.

Jin Ling has a bit of trouble understanding at first, but does make efforts to be respectful and he improves over time. They end up growing close, and Jin Ling is not distrustful of Mo Xuanyu by the end of the story. The other juniors are similarly respectful.

The help Mo Xuanyu offers everyone is a) help only he could give, utilizing his skills and/or achievements specifically (e.g. making arrays/talismans a certain way, other forms of espionage that rely on his ability to lie and/or memorize information) and b) crucial to many of the successes they have. He is an essential member of the core cast of this fic, and it would be markedly changed if I were to remove him or switch him for someone else.

Mo Xuanyu does not die, nor does he get cured at the end of the fic. He ends up in a loving, mutually respectful relationship where his agency is respected, with a man who understands full well that loving Mo Xuanyu includes accepting his schizophrenia, psychosis, and the symptoms thereof. While Mo Xuanyu is doing better at the end than he was just before the end, it's because he's in a stable home and being treated by medical staff, rather than a magical cure.

[the-crimson]

Q!BBH and Generational Trauma

For a long time this has been something I’ve noticed in the halo family that I’ve strongly related to. Idk if it’s an intentional theme bbh and Dapmin (and pommin but im mainly gonna focus on Dapper) put into their characters but it’s definitely there. So heres my perspective on bbh’s character arc so far observed through a lens of generational trauma.

(Quick side note. Writing this post was a journey tm and my initial view of bbh and god’s relationship and what the afterlife scene meant shifts dramatically half way through XD)

Even if a parent does everything right, they will still hurt their children. It’s part of the job. It’s part of life. Even if we choose to be better than our parents, the scars they left will bleed onto our children. I think every family has an element of generational trauma - I certainly do but im not gonna trauma dump on yall - but the severity of it is a spectrum.

Q!bbh was cast from his home due to the conditional love of God/the Father and this has left a clear impact on him. His self worth is in the gutter and he lacked a sense of purpose. According to everything we know of bbh’s life before the island, he didnt really care for much of anything other than finding the next source of entertainment - i mean, he remembers the salem witch trials fondly because of the drama of it all regardless of the fact that hundreds of innocent women were murdered.

Was God being intentionally cruel or abusive? Probably not. From His perspective, he may see casting his angels from heaven as a temporary punishment - like spanking a child for throwing a tantrum - without really understanding the damage such treatment is actually doing. He isnt teaching his children the lesson he thought he was just as spanking a child doesnt teach them to behave, only to fear. Bbh redeemed himself in the eyes of the Father and thus was granted the choice to return home. The Father was doing his child a kindness, he was welcoming his lost angel back home because what fallen angel would ever choose anything other than Elysium? And thats the point of conflict. The Father thinks he is doing right by his child but hes only causing bbh more pain. Bbh has to choose between his own children and eternal salvation (that he knows can be taken away on a whim). His heart has been severed in two.

Bbh’s wounds from his disownment run so deep he doesnt even notice them and thus, doesnt notice how they impact his children. Dapper has taken after so many of bbh’s characteristics and a complete lack of self worth is one of them. Selflessness to the point of self annihilation. The fear of being a burden. The need to feel useful otherwise why am i even alive? Dapper was borderline suicidal because they felt useless and nearly killed themself trying to be useful by farming soul hearts and they learned all of this behavior from Bad. Bbh showed Dapper unconditional love but it wasnt enough. Bbh couldnt save Dapper from his own trauma.

Breaking cycles of generational trauma takes more than just realizing how you were raised didnt work and trying something else. Bbh never healed from the wounds left by the Father and thus they were passed down to his own son.

When i started writing this analysis, i thought that this was the tragedy between bbh and the Father. God was too stuck in his ways to understand what His child needs, what would truly make bbh happy. I thought that the Father had not changed. His love remained conditional. Bbh could only come home if he chose god/heaven. The door might be closed next time. This is his only chance of coming home. But now after laying it all out like this… it made me wonder why the Father decided now of all times was when bbh redeemed himself. My initial cynical reading was that the Father was putting bbh through a test of loyalty. He only truly earned his redemption if he would abandon his children in favor of god/heaven but now… i can see a more hopeful reading.

God watched bbh become a father. He watched bbh become a better person through fatherhood. He also watched as the trauma He caused was passed onto bbh’s child. If the Father wanted bbh to come home because he’d redeemed himself, then the Father could have snapped bbh away at any time. Perhaps thats what He would have done 14,000 years ago when bbh first fell. What if the Father recognized his mistake? What if this was His attempt to fix things after seeing just how much damage He’d done? What if he did finally understand what bbh truly needed?

Bbh was stuck in his trauma because he lacked agency in his current state. The Father still had all the power between them by holding heaven hostage. The only way bbh could ever start to heal from this damage was if he was given back the choice that was made for him. Bbh needed to choose one way or another in order for him to take the first step towards healing even if it causes him anguish in the moment. He needed the choice. He needed the freedom to refuse.

But giving freedom to your children can be scary. What if they make the wrong choice? What if they screw up and ruin everything? For a god who expects perfection from his children, freedom must be terrifying. Giving His children freedom means giving them the option to turn away from him. But that is part of being a parent.

What if unlocking the gates was an apology? Im sorry i hurt you. Im sorry i made this choice for you. I see you. I wont take this choice from you again. Its too late to change the past but you can change the future. Dont make my same mistakes.

What if it was a gift? God relinquished his leverage over bbh and gave him the option to come home. An opportunity for bbh to break the cycle. A chance for bbh to make a choice for himself for once. To free him of the shackles that tied him to God. To heal and stop his own son from continuing the cycle of generational trauma.

After all, the greatest gift a god can give is the freedom to choose one’s own destiny.

[stormblessed95]

Hi Stormy,

I hope you are doing well. I appreciate your perspective and level-headed take on things and I'm writing to share my perspective because I think maybe people forget how hard/tricky it can be to be lgbtqi+ in a society that actively discriminates.

I'm an older ARMY and came out as queer around the time our boys were born. I live in the US, so I came out at a time when there were zero legal protections. Really it was a dramatically different world from how it is here now and, from what I observe, there are similarities to how Korea is currently. I also lived with a group of Koreans for several years in the 90s so got super familiar with Korean skinship and norms. Being older with this experience, I think I just see things a little differently.

When I first got into BTS, I noticed JK & JM having a different vibe than the others. Then, very early on, I came across GCF and I quite literally thought that GCF Tokyo was a coming out video. I thought JK & JM were together and out. My partner (not ARMY) watched it and said, "Aw, he loves him so much." Of course, I watched more and looked into it and realized that they are not out. It was only after watching original content and thinking they were a couple that I discovered shipping which was a little crazy when I look back on it. And, it's funny because the reasons I think they are a couple have little to do with their skinship that are so often shown as "proof" of their relationship. What makes them seem like a couple to me has more to do with their (or other members) tiny moments of panic that point to something more/hidden. I just have not picked up on little panic moments like that with any of the other members. I mean if "real couples" were based on skinship, we have a video of Jin literally sticking his hand through Tae's legs and grabbing his balls, but I don't think they are a couple. Seriously, if it were based on skinship alone, you'd think all of Bangtan are together. (Which is within the realm of possibility but seems very very unlikely to me.)

Anyway, like you, I think Jikook are a couple but I also think it is possible that I'm wrong and that they are just very close friends. If I'm wrong, no big deal. Regardless, one thing I am 100% sure of is that they love each other dearly either romantically or otherwise. I find delight in watching them interact because they are adorable.

On to my real point now! Military service is looming for them and this is a huge deal. It is quite literally dangerous to be queer and entering the South Korean military. If you are out or outed, you can be classified as having a mental disorder and can be dishonorably discharged. Even if you are not discharged, being queer will negatively effect your assignment in the military. Not to mention the risk of receiving all kinds of hate. If you are caught engaging in "homosexual acts" while in the military (on base) you can be jailed for 2 years. Basically, discrimination is written directly into the protocols of the SK military. So, our boys are closeted (assuming we are correct and they are not straight) and entering into this system soon.

In my view, it is 100% normal and expected for them to get more and more careful the closer they get to service. I feel like we are seeing this more with JM than JK. This is not surprising to me - JM fits the, "gay stereotype" way more than JK, so may feel more at risk. Plus, personality wise, he's more a rule follower and has clearly struggled more with self-acceptance. This military stuff may just be harder for him. I think it's hard for both of them, but maybe harder for JM.

I think it is very possible that they are intentionally toning things down and/or that they may be spending more time apart as a way to prepare. At any rate, I think we as outside observers need to remember that this is scary. The fear of consequences when you have no legal protections is hard to explain if you've never felt it. It's intense. They may lie to protect themselves and I would 100% understand that and support them in doing so. I also think there may be some push/pull happening. Like they may act kinda chilly to each other and then forget and act their normal lovey selves and then remember and act chill or stay away from each other when on camera. In things that have been filmed post their Las Vegas concerts, they have seemed a little more camera aware and careful to me than they have been in the years prior to then. All that seems normal to me given what they are facing right now.

Given all this, I think JM has been so brave with his queer coded stuff for Face. (As an aside - as an older queer for whom Maplethorp was an icon, him wearing those pants was AMAZING and meant so so much. Like I can't put into words how powerful that was.) And, JK has shown his love with those JM focused WeLives in a way that is so sweet. And, we've had these little interactions that really would not be happening if they were a couple who have now broken up. But, we have not really seen them together all that much. I think that's intentional and is really best for their safety.

So, yeah, sorry this got so long. I just hope folks think a little about how this current situation may play into what we see from jikook and that we recognize the very real possibility that this isn't a reflection on how they may be doing as a couple but a reflection on their current circumstances. We as a fandom need to remember always that we are not seeing the whole story and there is lots we don't know. These guys have been through a lot. They are strong (individually and with each other) and have a lot of support around them. Let's all send them our love and support, enjoy what they choose to share and remember that they may be holding back for very good reasons.

Thanks for sharing your story. Other than that you are older than I am, our thoughts and story has been pretty similar. I also don't totally agree with everything you've said military wise, I'm not sure honestly where I Land there. Haven't been thinking too hard about it honestly. BUT I do for the most part agree with all your feelings there. I also have multiple posts on my masterlist about lgbtq+ hardships in South Korea right now and among others too. Which touch on alot you said here as well.

Thanks again for sharing 💜💜💜

[ohbo-ohno]

Hi!!!! I love you so much it's literally destroying me from the inside, your writing is AMAZING. I love dark fics and dark romance and all pf the yandere stuff so I finally found the courage to write you!! What would ghoap do with a girl who has VERY strict diet preferences? It's always a big trouble for me in imagining yandere scenarios because I'm autistic and can literally eat like 10 or 15 dishes and they are mostly bland and considered child's food from other people's perspective. I can just imagine our girl literally throwing up and not able to eat not because she is on hunger strike or wants to anger them, but because she literally can't eat what they brought her. Maybe it's some takeout with very weird sauce, maybe it's meat that she doesn't like, and Johnny is freaking out because she was VERY against eating everything he brought to her, but she can't even tell it to him because explaining to your kidnapper that the plane fries and chicken nuggets are the only dish you can eat is more embarrassing that being kidnapped in the first place. I wonder if Ghost would be more understanding or they would all together consider this just a fit because they are Big Military Men who can literally eat garbage for weeks straight, so they don't understand how she can freak out from a little tomato accidentally touching her food. Maybe they are forcefully feeding those things to her when she is misbehaving, like a part of "bad pet doesn't receive her favorite food" dynamic. I just like more mundane stuff because what if her blanket is too itchy and she can't sleep and they think she is just misbehaving but she literally?? can't force herself to touch it?? And she is actually more or less fine with being kidnapped because this is a controlled environment and she doesn't have to worry about working or being overwhelmed in real world, but she needs everything to be perfect because she will literally blow up otherwise and they really don't understand

hello! i'm glad you messaged me, i promise im not scary at all lol but i get real anxious talking to literally anybody on the internet so i get it :)

i've talked a little bit about reader being a picky eater here :)

im not autistic but i've got some sensory issues too, i'm definitely the type of person to not buy a pair of pants i love because they feel wrong on the inside lol. i've ordered burgers and taken like a single bite because i can't handle the texture of the cheese

i've said it a few times but i think they'd be so invested in making you as happy as physically possible, they wouldn't really get frustrated if you had really specific issues. like, they'd want you to tell them so they might get a little pissy when you refuse to eat your food for some reason, but once they realize what it is (and that it's not something you're doing intentionally) they're real careful to make sure you get food you can actually eat, blankets you can actually touch

i think you were onto something with them getting angry and ignoring certain needs, though. as much as he cares i can 100% see johnny giving you the Wrong blanket when he's pissy, petty shit like that. feels bad when you have a meltdown, apologizes and gets you a better one right away :(

[thedawningofthehour]

You remember a few days ago you responded to that post about Donnie being a separate entity from Galois.

Well, you know about OK K.O? that cartoon created by Rebecca Sugar's husband that was unfairly cancelled because CN executives neglect almost everything but TTG? Well (SPOILERS) One of the most important plot points of the series is that the protagonist develops an alternate personality which embodies all the characteristics he doesn't like about himself, but which at the same time is, like, way more powerful than he is. Anyway, at one point the alternate personality takes over and the protagonist becomes a prisoner in his own body, TL:DR at the end the two personalities make peace and merge in a nice metaphor of self-acceptance.

I swear as I was reading I was imagining Galois and Donnie in a similar situation, K.O and T.K.O are the same person, as are Donnie and Galois, except the last ones have different memories. I don't think Donnie would hate Galois, at least not genuinely, but he couldn't help but have negative feelings towards him either, Donnie knows it's not Gale's fault, but the frustration combined with the helplessness, as this version of himself take control of his life and swallow all those lies... I wouldn't put it past Donnie to get to a point where he might hurt Galois just to get to Draxum.

(As I was writing this I realized that the person who helps create the alternate personality of the protagonist in Ok ko is also his father, who also happens to be a scientist specializing in biology, WHO ALSO happens to be Gay, well, bisexual).

Cartoon must have a deal with DC or something to constantly shove TTG down everyone's throat because I have never met anyone who actually thought it was a good show. Even kids in its target age range are at most 'meh' about it. It's just bizarre otherwise.

And you know, I find it real ballsy of them to try and recapture the success and acclaim of the original Teen Titans when they fucking cancelled the first series over a toy deal. It would be like Nick trying to put out a shitty chibi version of Rise in 2030 and whining because no one wanted to watch it. Let people make good shows, coward.

Ah, I haven't actually seen it, but that description does remind me of another character. But mine's kind of like

...Yeah. This is Dog or God, depending on which personality is in charge. He's not a zombie, he's a super mutant (a nightkin, but explaining the difference would involve explaining the plot of Fallout 1) and he's not supposed to look like that.

Dog is the slave of this asshole named Elijah, small-minded and suffers from violent outbursts and ravenous hunger. God is his voice of reason and restraint. Which doesn't mean he's on your side-if anything, God is much more difficult to work with because he actively antagonizes you. He sees Dog as a little brother he needs to protect, while Dog thinks of God as an intrusive voice in his head. All those scars are from Dog mutilating himself, even going so far as to shove his arm into a bear trap to keep the voice at bay.

It's never stated which identity was the original. Elijah thinks Dog is a second gen super mutant, who are intentionally made stupid (for lack of a better word) during the mutation process to make them more obedient soldiers, but God proves himself to be first generation, who generally have human intelligence. Yet nightkin are almost universally mentally disturbed as a result of their mutation and stealth radiation exposure, and super mutants are often shown to have voracious appetites and eat humans. His big finale takes place with Dog trying to kill himself and God frantically trying to save him, and you can either kill him, bury one of the consciousnesses, or reunite them and let him figure out for himself who he is.

...Looking at all that, it looks more like Tigerclaw if Tigerclaw had a split personality disorder.

But in general, Galois is not a split personality nor a separate consciousness from Donnie. He's just Donnie. He remembers things different and yes that's changed him a little, but Leo and all the other characters aren't the same people they were at the beginning either. It would be a lot easier if Galois was just some other guy living inside his head, but nope. It's all been Donnie.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for mentions of sa and rape

How do you deal with nightmares around your trauma? Usually I didn't have many nightmares about my trauma or my abuser who caused it but lately I've been having them almost every night and it's kinda horrifying, it's stuff where it's like normal but I'm always on edge around him and he's threatened me saying he could rape me and other things I forget most of it after waking up but its still bad enough and then I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep and I don't want to sleep

Hi anon,

First of all please know you're not alone. This is something I've been struggling with for a long time. There are a lot of different potential reasons why you may be dealing with this.

Personally one of my problems was that I found these dreams highly important or significant to me. Every time my abuser popped up, I had to write it down and document it when I woke up. It created a vicious cycle where giving it that much space only enabled it to take up more space.

So when I stopped recording dreams with my abuser in it (only just recently) it completely shifted my dreams. My abuser would still pop up now and then but we would just coexist and it would overall be a good dream. It's not easy at all but I think it's about being able to reclaim power over your sleep and dreams, and realize that, in your mind, you can get to say how little he can hurt you.

If you have a psychiatrist, you may want to speak with them about beta blockers. I was prescribed beta blockers (Minipress) for PTSD nightmares, and while they didn't help me, everyone is different. Beta blockers essentially lower your blood pressure that may be spiking before or during sleep, which could be exacerbating the distressing contents of your dreams.

A lot of times we can't choose whether or not we dream about our abuser. But it could help to try and intentionally think about pleasant things as you drift off. My strategy is to just focus on world-building. So let's say I want to imagine going on vacation to a place I've always wanted to visit. I'd imagine looking online for hotels, finding ones with different kinds of hot tubs, maybe a water park, a high class hotel room, maybe imagine the cool food, drinks, amenities, and maybe some things to do in the area.

Go as specific as possible, like imagine they have your favorite food prepared exactly how you like it and imagine the person serving it to you and the super fancy restaurant you're in, and such. Try to ground yourself in this world by imagining the different things you can see, smell, hear, taste, etc, and soon you'll be asleep and hopefully immersing yourself in this world.

I think ultimately it's just about your point in recovery. I've been recovering for almost 8 years and still have work to do but I consider myself mostly healed so this might be something for a later stage. It makes sense if you still feel deeply traumatized by your abuser. While the symptoms can definitely be distressing, there is no rush to heal. At the same time, it's important to address this because for some survivors this can progress into somniphobia (fear of sleep), which can take a huge toll on your health. This article explains this further.

You deserve a restful sleep. Your abuser doesn't deserve to live rent free in your dreams.

If anyone else has any suggestions or comments, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[majicmarker]

Sliding into your inbox to just scream about how much I love Demisexual eddie!

Evryone is entitled to their own ideas for the character but Demi eddie will always hold a really special place in my heart. It just feels so right to me and I love how you write him!

I’m regard to your newest fic I’m obsessed with Eddie’s pov! It’s peak queer experience lolll I relate too well

I will say eddie messed up by not trusting Robin to set him up with Chrissy tho! Always trust your local lesbians!

(the fic in question)

listen. he knows he totally biffed it, okay. he's just a demisexual dum-dum lollipop and he's doing his best with that. frankly he’s intimidated by lesbians, they get too much done too efficiently, he can’t keep up, man.

(if you want to know if this is based on my own personal experience, i will tell you… absolutely yes it is.)

yk—and while you didn’t ask for this, i’m offering it free of charge anyway—also this just made me Think abt, is that it’s weird to think abt now, bc when i first started writing eddissy fic, i really didn’t give much thought to either of their sexualities. i was just getting my sea legs with them and everything, and, for me, i think it speaks to my own experience as a demisexual—the sexual aspect didn’t matter until they were with each other (aside from the jason factor, i suppose, but from my perspective as the writer, even that spoke less to chrissy’s sexuality and more to her sense of “duty” in their relationship). 

the catalyst was largely due to @agentmmayy's og virgin!eddie fic—a definite lightbulb moment for me (the quintessential Oh. moment, if u will). eddie had never struck me as a particularly sexual character, anyway (not to mention he’s only like, 20, tops? why are we out here believing this idea that everyone has vast sexual experience at such a young age? is this because of one tree hill?)—i just hadn’t really examined that bc, again, once i paired him with chrissy, well, all bets were off, he really wants to kiss her, etc.

and, like, okay, bit of a rant abt the larger implications of this topic ahead, whoops my hand slipped—

truly just. bonkers. that the assumption is that you must have experience to be good at sexual activity. idc how many ppl you’ve hooked up with, EVERYONE is different—their bodies, their turn-ons, orgasms aren’t one-size-fits-all. communication with your partner(s) is Far More Important than your track record, otherwise you’re just some asshole who thinks they know someone’s body better than that person does. 

and i really like exploring demisexuality through, like, a male lens—because men are so socialized to be sexual, so what happens to their sense of self when that’s just not their inclination?

like, i am. so sick. of even the most progressive of media making the same tired joke abt how all men want sex all the time, or that there’s something “off” or “not right” if a guy isn’t ready/wants to wait.

it happens constantly in so-called feminist media, and it does such a disservice to what feminism actually is—that one of the tenants of the movement is that men aren’t incapable of checking their baser desires, they’re not wild animals who can’t control it; they’re fully-realized human beings who need to be held responsible for their actions, regardless of their “physical reaction” to their attraction to someone.

so, ultimately, we have these two separate but fundamental ideas here: men deserve to feel validated in their sexuality, and they’re also responsible for how they act on it. basically, toxic masculinity can be propagated by anyone, and it hurts everyone.

and just—god, SO OFTEN aphobia is disguised as sex positivity (maybe not intentionally, but still harmfully; casual aphobia is all over seemingly progressive spaces), but sex positivity needs to also acknowledge that not experiencing sexual attraction, not wanting sex, or only experiencing/wanting those things under certain circumstances, etc., is okay, it’s normal, and it’s not less-than. 

sexuality is not this cut-and-dry thing, you know? like ik glee did a number on our perception of sexuality as this strict dichotomy of “gay or straight, that’s it,” but like. c’mon guys, time to move past that, we can all heal together.

so, yeah. tl;dr there’s a lot to unpack with ace spectrum characters, and that’s def where i want to park my wheelhouse.

[thetrevisostabber]

sorry i saw the 2021 cyrano last night and i have opinions and i am sick so you're subject to them

cyrano (2021) had in its favor a beautiful soundtrack and lovely lyrical work that regularly rose to the occasion of trying to fill in some real big lyrical shoes. there was a lot of fun to be had in the middle of the movie and the dynamic between cyrano and christian was very nicely played out! dinklage rose to the occasion. frankly every actor did. i loved the take they had on roxane becoming so adoring she realized she had stopped wanting infatuation and actually craved intimacy, and christian's actor (plus a phenomenal song) DID make me cry during the siege of arras.

what i felt cyrano (2021) did NOT hold in its favor was usually outside of songwork; the writing not feeling like it could actually show its audience ableism onscreen, and to the detriment of the characterization of their title character.

i sorely missed several times cyrano would push into hilarious and over the top poetic dialogue! especially when cyrano illustrates the ways he SHOULD have been degraded because he couldn't stand a boring insult. especially in the valvert fight. the dialogue choices were clunky to me and i wanted the sheer audacity to intentionally, loudly turn the fight into a poem! and it kind of made me lose excitement it had been building up to.

now i had really been excited about dinklage cyrano because i really wanted to see the transfer from "big nosed poet who is otherwise perfectly able-bodied" into "a man with a legitimate grievance with society" and they largely... just did not deliver on that one. they make the mistake often of telling rather than showing the audience that cyrano is at a disadvantage or regularly given something to rage against that isn't his own ego. they did great showing us where he underestimates himself; they don't give us much in terms of others underestimating him. they nix most of the scenes where cyrano is insulted, and when they do show it they underdeliver with maybe a throwaway line. which is not. what i want to see? no, i don't want to see cyrano get like, subject to ableism torture porn or made into a Feel Good Story, but in the same breath it reduces a lot of his character to take away his anger, which is effectively what they did by removing a lot of the derogatory comments he was subject to in the original text in the name of not putting ableism onscreen. his response to the comments, of course, is to get angry, and by removing the provocation you remove a lot of his anger which only administers insults to both the play and the movie.

and that's the crux of it for me: they took a lot of his anger, which was in large part why i felt cyrano was so compelling as a tragic hero. his own temper and refusal to let a fight go plus his inability to be vulnerable with the woman he loves is what kills him in the end, body and soul, denying him the joy of coming out of his solitude long after his "competition" who wants him to get the girl is dead. (cyrano and christian gay moments. more on that in a different post.) and instead he dies of. a war wound? i think? an old war wound? he dies confessing his pride to roxane's lips when what i wanted was to see him bloodied and calling down his personal demons with his sword out!! i want the furious refusal to let go of his pride down to his last second with his panache clutched to his chest! hey where was his hat anyway

i am being Very negative in this but as a whole i did find it very fun and an inventive take on the original, i just wanted to ramble a bit about what i personally didn't enjoy about it lmao

[awlumii]

afraid to lose you.

can be seen as a pt. 2 to "it stings."

# — pairing: kazuha x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, kazuha

# — warnings: lightly suggestive

# — tags: some angst, fluff, making out, jealous!kazuha, ofc there would be kissing, who do you think i am

# — notes: the word count on this is 5,738. this took... about five hours. i haven't done this kind of writing in months, and holy FUCK does it feel good. like always, reblogs and reactions are appreciated, and i hope you enjoy!

wanna join the tag list?

✧ — 🍁 — ✧

it may seem like you know kazuha inside and out, but there are times when he thinks otherwise.

don't misunderstand — kazuha doesn't hide anything from you. not intentionally, anyway. the only reason why he may refrain from telling you something is because the topic just hasn't come up yet. if someone were to ask you any question pertaining to kazuha's home life before he became a wanderer, you likely wouldn't have an answer. you've never asked, so he's never told you. and because of that, some gaps may exist in your understanding of kazuha.

then again, he's still transparent to you, whether he makes it that way or not. you're terrifyingly observant at times, able to read even the slightest of gestures and decipher how he's feeling before he himself realizes it. there are times when kazuha wonders if you know him better than he knows himself. that fact extends to just about everyone you know, actually — all the members of the crux fleet are aware of your vigilance.

but you aren't without fault; the reason why kazuha thinks you don't truly know him is because there are times when you're... a bit slow on the uptake.

like right now, for instance.

"you don't want to hold your weapon so close to the blade." your voice comes in clear on the breeze. kazuha watches as you step closer to a man wielding a polearm and take his weapon, brandishing it yourself. "see where my hands are? even if the tip is the only thing doing damage, you need to be able to control the entire thing. try again." you hand the polearm back to the man, who stiffly does as you say. you shake your head and step behind him to manually adjust his stance. when you're finished, you step back. "isn't that a little more comfortable?" you ask him.

you're standing behind him, so you can't see his face, but kazuha can. and for some reason, his expression is... irritating.

"y-yeah, a little." the man answers. he swings the polearm as you instructed. "so like this..?"

you sigh. you take the man's arms from behind again and slowly swing his arms for him. as you do, kazuha actually has to look away, lest he look at your student's face again.

you're giving a one-on-one lesson to one of the new sailors at his request. what was his name again? kenji? all kazuha remembers is that he was the only one out of the six new recruits to hail from inazuma. it's not like him to be so forgetful. he'd normally beat himself up for being so discourteous — especially to someone from his homeland — but he isn't quite sure he wants to extend such courtesy to kenji. (if that's even his name.)

because as of late, kenji's been... monopolizing you, so to speak. you were entrusted with the task of training the new recruits. it was a simple enough job at first; kazuha was content to watch as you flattened the three recruits who were the most mouthy. but of the six, there was a straggler in the group — someone who just couldn't keep up to save their life. kenji required extra care, so you took it upon yourself to bring him up to speed. unfortunately, kenji was slower than you anticipated.

kazuha spares kenji a glance. his brows twitch when he sees the pink that's dusted itself over his features. he looks away again.

how can you be so observant, yet so blind to this man's obvious crush on you?

"do that a few more times," kazuha hears you say, "and you'll have a better foundation for when we start sparring some more." you rest a hand on your hip as you watch kenji swing his polearm as you instructed. "good. keep it up if you want to; i'm going to sit down. we're done for the day."

kazuha perks up at that. are you finally done? can he finally take you away from—

"wait!" kenji stops you mid-stride. "um... can you... t-tell me how you got your vision?"

you're silent for a moment. you slowly turn back to face him and kazuha wishes he can see the look on your face. "are you really curious?" you ask.

kazuha grits his teeth. say no, say no—

"yes," kenji says despite kazuha's internal pleading. to make a bad situation worse, you oblige him and walk back over, starting the tale of how you received your vision.

kazuha groans silently and bumps the back of his head on the tree he's sitting against. it's taking everything in him to not get up and yank you away from your starry-eyed pupil in this moment. because archons, the lovesick puppy eyes kenji is giving you is making his stomach twist. how are you, of all people, so oblivious? can't you see that? it's so obvious–!

kazuha reels himself back in. this isn't like him. he needs to get himself in check before you come back.

he takes a steadying breath. maybe he's just on edge because he didn't get much sleep last night. kenji has been doing this for weeks — taking up your time, playing dumb, ogling you... it's safe to say that kazuha hasn't been resting well knowing that come morning, you'd be whisked away to kenji's side again.

you finish your story a bit quicker than kazuha anticipated. before he knows it, you're walking over to him, leaving a dejected looking kenji in your wake. thankfully, kazuha's finished his breathing routine. he gives you his most patient smile when you seat yourself beside him. "all done for the day?" he asks quietly.

you grumble something under your breath and lie down, resting your head in kazuha's lap. like a magnet, his hand finds its way to your hair, idly twisting your locks around his fingers. "i can't believe i still have to correct him on his form." you seethe quietly. "why did he pick up a spear if he wasn't gonna use it right?!"

kazuha tries to bite back his chuckle, but he fails. thank the stars you're at least a little frustrated by kenji's behavior. a little more of that, and you'll be on your way to ignoring him in no time. (hopefully.)

"perhaps he wants to be a vision holder like you." kazuha says. "ambition is one of the main traits of a vision holder..."

you look up at kazuha, your face clouded with thought. "that'd explain his reluctance to give up... hopefully he practices enough to put up an actual fight tomorrow."

tomorrow? "you're going to be training him again tomorrow?" kazuha can't stop himself from asking.

you nod and look out to kenji, who is eagerly practicing the moves you taught him earlier. kazuha doesn't dare look. "yeah. if you're right and his goal is actually to obtain a vision, then... i guess i should help him, shouldn't i?"

...you're so nice that it hurts. and damn if he doesn't love that about you.

kazuha looses a soft sigh and pushes your hair off of your forehead. he leans down and presses a kiss right between your brows, chuckling when you pull them together in confusion. "you're a marvelous teacher." he laughs when you begin to fluster under the praise.

he's not lying; no matter how frustrating this situation may be, he would be remiss if he didn't acknowledge just how effective your teachings are. you practice what you preach, giving kazuha a run for his money whenever he spars with you. if kenji wasn't... well, kenji, he would be the best of the new recruits by now.

you look away and kazuha presses the back of his hand on your cheek. as he guessed, it's warm. you push him away with a grumble, making him laugh again. "stop that."

"shall i praise you more?" he teases, brushing his fingers across your cheek once more.

"...no." you close your eyes at the touch.

after that, a pleasant silence descends upon the two of you. and for the first time in what feels like forever, kazuha has you all to himself. the intrusive thoughts hush, and it's just you, him, and the breeze.

(in the distance, kenji watches the tender moment with a deep frown.)

maybe it's a good thing that you can't sense how kazuha feels about all of this. he can't make much of it himself.

that's a lie. he can, he just doesn't want to admit it to himself. that feeling is beneath him. what a wretched feeling it is. he won't even think it. there's no way he'd be feeling like that over some new recruit. he forces it down — out-of-sight, out-of-mind-style.

but when kenji approaches you while you're sitting with kazuha aboard the alcor, he finds that that feeling is much more difficult to contain than he initially thought.

"would you mind if i joined you?" kenji asks, and immediately, kazuha sees a problem here. why was his question directed solely at you? is he invisible?

besides, you're not exactly the most approachable right now; kazuha is sitting on top of a barrel and you're standing between his legs with his arms wrapped around you. no one has come up to you two for longer than a moment. (probably because they know how to read the room, kazuha thinks.)

you hum in what kazuha can only assume is assent. kenji makes himself comfortable on a barrel across from kazuha, his eyes never leaving your frame. "what do you need?" you ask. your voice sounds distant. kazuha peeks to see you're still staring out at the sea.

kenji flinches. "oh, um... nothing, i just... ah..." he fumbles over his words. his eyes are darting between you and kazuha, his ears turning redder by the second. "i couldn't find anyone else to pass the time with, so..."

kazuha blinks twice in disbelief. as of right now, he can hear four people who are talking aimlessly as they laze about, two of which are the new recruits. which means kenji purposely came looking for you. but why wouldn't he just leave right away when he saw what you were doing? (or not doing, kazuha thinks.)

you take your eyes off of the sea and focus on kenji, who visibly jolts at having earned your attention. (or is kazuha just too observant?) "why don't you tell me about yourself then?" you prompt him. "i don't know much about you outside of training."

and just like that, another moment is stolen from him. kazuha sighs silently, resigned. neither you nor kenji notice as the latter eagerly starts to chat you up. you may be standing in his arms, but you feel miles away right now, your heart and mind elsewhere yet again.

kazuha isn't upset with you over this. he could never be. he knows that you have no ill intent towards neither him, nor kenji, but... selfishly, he wishes you would open your eyes, even if it's only by a little. kenji's infatuation with you is far from subtle; it shows in the way he smiles whenever you speak and gapes whenever you laugh. if he were to be honest, if kenji had done all of this from afar, kazuha would be less inclined to keep you away from him at all costs. kenji is too close for comfort, and it's grating on kazuha's every nerve.

fed up with the lack of privacy, kazuha attempts to remove you from the situation. he taps two fingers on your side three times — taptaptap — a code the two of you created for when you want to make a quick escape.

you don't respond. perhaps you didn't feel it? kazuha tries again, but this time, you tap your index and middle finger on him twice — the code for not right now.

that ugly feeling rears its head. kazuha crams it back in whatever hole it came from.

maybe he felt wrong. again, he taps you three times, and again, you tap him twice. you're serious.

kazuha can't contain that feeling fast enough. he rubs your arm gently and eases you out of the way for him to get off of the barrel. when you look at him, confused, he takes your hand and gives you his most disarming smile. "i won't be far," he says. "you know where to find me, right, dove?"

your worried frown is almost reassuring. does this mean you've picked up on his discomfort? will you end the conversation and come with him? the answer is no — you nod slowly instead. "i'll finish up here and come find you when i'm done, okay?" you rub a circle into the back of kazuha's hand.

not the answer he wanted, but he'll take what he can get. kazuha presses a kiss to your knuckles. "i'll be waiting for you." he murmurs into your skin. you watch the gesture closely, as if you're trying to get a read on how he's feeling. it's obvious that you can't, though. before kazuha walks off, he spares kenji a glance only to find the recruit already looking at him. now, either kazuha is losing his mind, or kenji is smirking at him. for his sanity, it's best that he assumes the former. kazuha takes his leave and heads to the crow's nest, where he awaits your arrival.

the afternoon comes and goes, and kazuha understands that you're not coming and that once again, he's lost you to kenji.

it's become much too difficult for kazuha to not feel that feeling, which is why he traps you in his arms the following morning.

he wakes before you today — typically, this would be considered a rare occurrence, but thanks to a certain someone, he's been rising before the sun. kazuha takes the time just before and during dawn to really admire you. perhaps he took your presence for granted; it wasn't until after you'd been swept away that he realized just how little he'd been appreciating you lately.

(of course you would beg to differ; kazuha spends so much time admiring you that you think your heart is going to fail by an early age. though he doesn't know that.)

this morning, kazuha has his arms wrapped around your middle and his face buried in your chest. he shimmies back so he can get a better look at you. in the dim light of the morning, with the moon saying its last goodbye until the evening, kazuha raises his bandaged hand and traces your features with a feather-light touch. he brushes his thumb over your brow bone and traces your cupid's bow. you look so at peace right now; kazuha silently wishes to see you smile.

he runs his finger across the slope of your nose and smoothes a finger across your eyelids. you scrunch your nose and raise a hand to push him away at that, and kazuha presses his lips together to stop a chuckle. he must be bothering you, no? feeling mischievous, he pinches your nose briefly and sure enough, you quickly swat him away with a sharp inhale.

"can't you wake me up like a normal person..?" you groan, dropping a hand over your face.

kazuha puffs a soft laugh. "did i wake you?" he asks cheekily.

you crack your eyes open to give him a heavily lidded glare. "no." you bite sarcastically. "i'm still asleep."

"then you're dreaming. you should wake up, my love."

you sigh and mush your hand on kazuha's face, ignoring his laughter. "i can't stand you." you mutter. you move your hand to look him in the eyes properly. "good morning, kazuha. you ass."

kazuha takes your hand and brings it to his lips, kissing each one of your fingertips. he revels in the way you sigh, tired yet smitten. the beginnings of a smile curl your lips, and kazuha thinks that this is what love feels like. "good morning, dove." he murmurs. "it's a new day. may the sun shine warmly upon you today."

you look as though you're blushing, though kazuha isn't sure. like always, he rests a hand on your face to feel the growing warmth. you don't push him away; instead, you close your eyes again with a sleepy hum. "the sun's not up yet," you mutter, "but good morning to you too, 'zuha."

kazuha inhales sharply at the usage of the nickname. he leans in close, and you half open your eyes. "dove," he breathes, hoping you understand. you do, and you meet him halfway. he kisses you for the first time in what feels like forever, tender and warm. it's so easy for him to unwind in your presence, when you touch him like this. he sighs into the kiss but you pull away, much to his disappointment.

"why are you awake so early this morning?" you ask. you comb your fingers through kazuha's hair and it's his turn to close his eyes, a shiver running through him. "did you have a bad dream?"

honestly, a bad dream would be far better than reality. for some reason, your words make him realize once again that you're going to be taken from him soon now that the sun is nearly up. bad dreams are temporary — impermanent visions of one's greatest fears. his greatest fear is losing you. and slowly, thanks to kenji, that very fear is being realized. he wishes the past few weeks were just a bad dream.

with you here, in his arms like this, it feels like that's all it was. kazuha sighs softly. "something like that," he mumbles.

you coo something incomprehensible and pull kazuha in properly, leaving no space between the two of you. you feel like home; his body melts into yours like he belongs there. "i missed you," he dares to whisper into your skin.

"i'm right here, kazuha," you say. "i always will be."

kazuha knows he should believe you, but you could be gone at any moment now. he pulls back to leave a gentle kiss on your lips again. you smile this time, still sleepy, but just as bright as the morning sun. "good morning again, 'zuha." you kiss him one more time for good measure. he doesn't let you get very far, capturing your lips once more.

hours pass by and you're still here. neither of you have made a move to get up despite the sounds of other sailors starting to move about the ship. kazuha lies wrapped in your embrace, his heart fluttering every time you press a fleeting kiss to his skin.

but all good things must come to an end. there's a knock on the door to your cabin, effectively waking the two of you up. you'd been starting to doze back off together before this. kazuha doesn't say a word and neither do you, hoping to get the person to leave, but after a drawn out silence, they knock again. and again. and again. clearly, this person won't give up. you cave in and groan. "who is it?" you call out.

the voice that comes from the other side makes kazuha freeze. "it's kenji! you said we would train together today, remember?"

kazuha looks at you. he can only hope he doesn't look as desperate as he feels. he silently begs you to remain silent or to turn him away, to just stay by his side for today. but you sit up quickly — too quickly. "shit, i did," you swear to yourself. you peel yourself out of kazuha's embrace and quickly start to get ready, leaving kazuha cold. "gimme a minute, i'll be out soon!" you call out again.

kazuha sits up slowly, his eyes downcast. "are you... going to train him again?" the question is out before he can stop himself. he's barely got that feeling in check, his control hanging on by a thread. the first tender moment you've shared in weeks — ruined. he can't take this anymore.

you look over at him, but you don't stop getting ready. kazuha's stomach twists. "yeah," you say as you pull your shirt on. "why?"

"this may be presumptuous of me, but could you... stay in just for today, dove?" archons, he must look so pathetic right now.

"i really want to, but i already stayed in longer than i should have." you fix your clothing in the mirror nearby.

kazuha winces, but you miss it. you're right. he may feel a certain way about the person you're around, but at the end of the day, you have a duty to fulfill, and he shouldn't keep you from that. he feels like a liability to you.

you finish getting ready and sit on the edge of the bed. you cup his cheek and make him face you. there's concern and apology written all over your face. "i'll make it up to you soon, okay?" you promise. it's not an empty promise — it's the first time you're saying this to him. perhaps he should believe you. you've never given him reason to doubt you before.

kazuha nods. "i'll hold you to that, songbird." he won't. "go on; i'm sure he's waiting for you."

you surprise him by kissing him quick and rushing a goodbye. in the blink of an eye, you're gone, leaving him by his lonesome.

it's not until you're gone that kazuha realizes that he doesn't know when 'soon' will be.

it was only a matter of time before kazuha lost control of that feeling.

soon never came. for the rest of that day, you were by kenji's side. you returned to the ship sporting a few cuts and bruises, courtesy of your student. he was much more injured than you were, but he was all smiles — you both were. some real bonding must have occurred while you two were at each other's throats because you were inseparable from that point forward. before kazuha went to bed that night, he noticed kenji looking at you with so much fondness that it made him want to bury his head in the sand. that was the last straw; seeing an outsider look at you the same way a lover would — the way kazuha does.

a few days go by before kazuha reaches his breaking point.

he's alone this afternoon. he decided to take to the streets of liyue harbor hoping the hustle and bustle would jumble his thoughts enough so that he could stop thinking. if you were here, you would steer him away from so much activity since you know how much he detests high-energy environments. instead, you're... elsewhere. he actually has no idea where you are. he pretends that that doesn't bother him. he pushes it away; out of sight, out of mind, right..?

he eventually comes to a stop at the docks and takes a seat. it turns out that he couldn't handle all of the excitement. it's quieter here. it allows him to make sense of his thoughts.

as he looks out at the water, he figures that perhaps it's time for him to face the truth.

he's... jealous.

kazuha cringes inwardly. to give that feeling a name feels... disgusting. he feels foolish. how idiotic of him to feel jealous of someone like kenji, of all people. kazuha has known you for so long, and has been by your side for longer. you would actually probably laugh at him if you knew he felt this way — it seems impossible for someone like kazuha to feel like this.

but at this point, who could blame him? how else is he supposed to feel when his heart is being kept away from him? when it feels like his heart doesn't want to return to him? what about kenji has you running back to him all the time? kazuha refuses to question his worth to you — you wouldn't return to your cabin every night if he meant nothing to you — but the fact that you're gone before he wakes makes him wonder if he's at fault. was he boring you? was he too clingy? what did he do?

as he's mulling over ways to try and confront you on the whole ordeal, he hears footsteps approaching. he doesn't dare turn around. he knows exactly who's coming.

"kenji," he greets the newcomer without looking up. "how nice of you to join me. to whom do i owe this pleasure?"

"oh, no one! i just thought you seemed kinda bummed out, so i thought i'd come by." kenji sounds upbeat and, if kazuha strains his ears, seems to be using a dialect used by inazumans in the countryside. is he trying to make kazuha feel comfortable?

"do i, now?" kazuha works his jaw a few times in an attempt to reel back the attitude. he can't go around giving people the wrong impression of him, can he? (even if that person is kenji.) "i appreciate the gesture. but i'm afraid it's unnecessary."

kenji makes a noise of confusion. kazuha still refuses to look at him. "why so? i could've sworn you were upset. you look down whenever your friend isn't around."

his... what? "pardon?"

kenji says your name. "usually you're around them, but lately you guys haven't been together, and i thought you looked pretty down about it. was i wrong?"

kazuha's not sure if he should laugh. surely kenji doesn't think you two were just friends. that can't be right, can it? he decides to drag this out. "not completely," he half-laughs. "there's more to it than that."

"oh, so you like them too?" kenji's quick to sit by kazuha's side, a strange excitement lacing his tone.

too?

"they're amazing, aren't they?" kenji continues. he launches into some kind of infatuated rant about you and your skills, your sense of humor, and things of the like. and the longer it goes on, the more incredulous kazuha's stare grows. who exactly did kenji think he was talking to right now? did he honestly think that you two were just friends and nothing more?

kenji's next words are the nail in the coffin. "if i'm being honest, i'm thinking of making a move..."

kazuha puts a hand up, cutting kenji off. he can't fucking believe this. he needs to see you. now. "as flattered as i am that you thought to cheer me up, i believe i should take my leave now." he says, fighting the urge to clench his teeth.

"oh! so, you're not upset?"

"it's hard to say." kazuha stands and wishes kenji well before allow his feet to carry him to the ship. he lets the wind tell him of your whereabouts — it feels nice to do that after so long.

luckily for him, you're in your shared cabin. you're sitting on the bed, reading something. you jump at kazuha's sudden entrance, but smile when you see him. "hey, welcome back!" you scoot to the side, making room for him on the bed. kazuha takes his spot beside you. "what's going on?"

kazuha has no idea what to think anymore. this whole time, he was jealous of a man who couldn't tell when two people were in a relationship. he spent weeks questioning his worth and putting himself down for this? this... this was a waste of his time! he's been surrounded by two people who just couldn't read a situation this entire time; you, who couldn't tell just how much kazuha was agonizing over this, and kenji, who needed a total reality check.

you pull him out of his thoughts with a light touch to his hand. "kazuha? is everything okay?"

"were you aware of kenji's feelings for you?" he asks. straight to the point. no cutting corners.

you blink. so no then. "his what?"

"it's been painfully evident for weeks that your student has been harboring strong one-sided feelings for you, dove." kazuha's patience is wearing thin.

"i've been knocking him around for weeks, why the hell would he like me?" you shudder, seemingly uncomfortable with the thought. that's reassuring, at least. "plus, couldn't he tell that i'm not available?"

"i can answer that for you." kazuha shakes his head. "he had no idea. he approached me and informed me that he thought of, and i quote, 'making a move'." he chuckles when you reel back in shock.

"i should probably let him know—" you start to get up, presumably to find kenji and inform him of the truth, but kazuha grabs your wrist, stopping you. "hm?"

"may i suggest something else?" he asks. when you nod, he cups your face in one hand and leans in to press a short kiss to your lips. kazuha kisses you again, even slower this time.

when you part, you whisper, "i don't see how this is gonna fix anything."

kazuha grins almost wolfishly. "do you trust me, dove?"

you nod.

"then follow my lead." kazuha captures your lips sweetly, savoring every second it drags on.

it's been quite some time since he's kissed you like this — slowly and without haste. he uses this as a chance to make up for the time you've lost thanks to this whole ordeal. he licks at the seam of your lips and you let him in, tilting your head to deepen the kiss some more.

kazuha's head starts to spin. he's intoxicated by you already — usually, he's able to contain himself for longer. drunk on the taste of you, kazuha inches forward and you lean back, taking the hint and breaking the kiss to lie down. he hovers over you and snakes his hand up your arm, taking your wrist in his bandaged fingers. the two of you stare at each other, exchanging silent words of adoration before your lips meet again, a bit more feverish this time.

there's untapped passion pouring out of kazuha as he licks into your mouth. he drinks in every sigh, swallows every content noise you make and thrives off of them, using your pleasure as fuel. this is what he wanted — what he needed — and it seems like you agree. he breaks away from your lips and trails heated kisses down to your neck, where he lets the frustration of the past few weeks go.

mark after mark appears on your neck, a palette of purples and reds decorating your skin. they bloom under kazuha's lips like flowers of desire, and he feels dizzy. it doesn't help that you're whining whenever he nips at your skin, nor does it help that you have your fingers tangled in his hair.

"kazuha, this is—" your breath hitches. "you're biting kinda hard..."

oops.

that's all kazuha needs to push off of you, but not before leaving a mark just underneath your jaw, dark and obvious, where it'd be impossible to hide. he gazes down at you in all your flushed glory. you're breathing a little heavy, as is he, and your eyes are hooded. you're a mess beneath him. you're stunning.

unfortunately, he knows he should stop. kazuha leans down and kisses you as an apology. "forgive me, songbird," he murmurs against your lips. "you sounded so pretty for me."

you slap at his shoulder, making him chuckle. he sits up and after a couple seconds, so do you. you run your fingers gingerly over the marks kazuha left on you. "so is this how you're letting kenji know what's going on?" you ask, your voice breathy.

kazuha's brows twitch at the name. he almost forgot why he was doing this. "yes." he watches as you walk over to the mirror to inspect them. "i take it you like what you see?"

you glare at him through the mirror. "he's not the only one who's gonna get the message," you grumble. "you left them in the most obvious places!"

"and yet you can't stop touching them. you like them, don't you?"

you throw a brush at him, which he easily catches. "i can't stand you. why don't you admit that you were jealous, then?"

that word. that feeling that he so desperately tried to avoid naming. there's no use hiding from it anymore, is there? kazuha nods. "i was, actually. he took up so much of your time, i..." he feels a sudden tug of guilt again. "i've battled with myself for weeks over it."

you return to your spot beside him. "weeks..? kazuha, i—"

"i thought that i'd done something to repel you." he confesses. "and i didn't want to keep you stuck by my side when you didn't want to be. but truthfully, i... i missed you, petal. very much." he raises a hand to brush over the fresh marks. you shiver in the wake of his touch. "which is why i got so carried away."

to his surprise, you throw your arms around him and bury your face in his shoulder. he wraps his arms around you in kind, holding you as close as he can. "i'm sorry." your words are muffled by his clothes. "i should've managed my time better. and i should've noticed his behavior a lot sooner."

kazuha sighs and melts into your arms just a little more. "that matters not anymore." he mumbles. "what matters now is that you're here, and you're aware. and," he pulls back to look at you again, "when he sees you again, he knows about us."

"you want him to know i'm yours, don't you?" you ask. you sound sassy, but your expression tells a different story. you look sheepish, if anything.

for some reason, your words make kazuha feel the same way. that's the heart of the issue, isn't it? he wants not just kenji, but everyone else who may see you to know that you're completely off-limits. not even he knew he was capable of feeling so possessive.

you don't seem bothered by it, however. you seem... satisfied. you smile. "i'm yours, kazuha," you affirm. "from now until forever."

he leans in and presses a kiss to your forehead. forever may sound like a long time, but it's enough to send his heart aflutter. he's never going to lose you to anyone else.

(when the two of you leave your cabin, you run into kenji. kazuha takes great pride in watching the recruit's eyes blow wide when he catches sight of the marks on your skin. and to the surprise of no one, he suddenly improves in his combat skills. so much so, in fact, that he doesn't need any more one-on-one training.)

✦ i am so SO sorry for all this. the ending is messy, i know.. kinda outta order, but hey, it's done! i'm proud of the rest of it, okay?