#but this job is also extremely difficult to transition out of because i am a senior team member and my employer requires 1 months notice

[tarotnoob]

Jimin reading 6/14, 10 p.m.

Basically I wanted to do a reading for Jimin because well I'm being nosy. I was confused by his recent post on weverse so I wanted to see what was up.

I do think that I did a reading for him on the day that he was discharged and I got a bunch of negative cards. But I was like shouldn't he be happy so I didn't really look into it or try to analyze them. 

My first thought is that I have always heard that the transition from military to civilian life is really difficult. So I'm sure they're working through that in their own ways. And I'm glad that he has other people to go to that would understand how he feels. But everybody deals with situations like this similarly and I think we know that where he was stationed was a little bit more difficult than the other place is as it was on the front line and was extremely cold and he had a pretty serious job. 

It's definitely made me even more thankful that he had JK well that they had each other going through that experience. 

So these cards are a little bit better than the last time. Which when I did it the day of honestly it was like all the worst cards from the deck at once. There's still this ten of swords and I have this oracle card for seasons and they both kind of give that same vibe of a cycle and changes. I personally think he is still really stuck in that routine mindset. Like it must be difficult to wake up and not be in that environment that he had become accustomed to. You would think that there would be a lot of relief because now I'm not in the military anymore but he must have really gone through a mental transition to kind of cope with that and got used to that and probably now when he wakes up and he doesn't have the same routine or he doesn't have much to do or trying to separate his new celebrity self with not just who he was in the military as like an ace or a person who has a lot of responsibility but also you know who he was as a celebrity before he went into the military.

So I think he feels a little bit lost in terms of identity and you know who am I compared to who I was and probably as an air sign as we tend to do we get very analytical about things and so it can be confusing sometimes for us when we become somebody new or we've been attached to our older persona or whatever. Especially if he is concerned with how other people perceive him like people want me to go back and be the jimin that they know… without realizing that fans would be okay with who he is even if he has changed. Nobody expects him to be the exact person he was before he went into the military because that would be unrealistic right 

And I do think with the ten of swords that the experience was difficult and I don't want to stay traumatizing but with that kind of energy it is feeling that way. Having it next to the four of pentacles also makes me feel like there's this stuck feeling and that's why I feel like he's still stuck in that routine. A lot of people think four of pentacles is also about protecting your energy so he could be holding back or pulling back which might be why he deleted that post. And again when we move into the Queen of pentacles and strength and these are the order that the cards came out I just feel like he's really just reflecting on what he just went through which is kind of what you would expect after a situation like that but maybe it's a bit more difficult for him to process 

I think with the strength card I can tell that he has a lot of willpower. And I just feel like he endured a lot. I know during the live they alluded to going through more than they can even say right now but the first four cards definitely just make me feel really drained. Like let me compare it to doing the iron Man or like being on a marathon that lasts for a week but not a week obviously because he was gone almost 2 years. And it is it feels like a general who went off to the war and then they're coming back and now they have to adjust to civilian life right 

Then we have the page of wands which has this new kind of fresh creative or exciting energy we have the Queen of swords who comes out for him quite a lot anyway because he can be very analytical, he can get caught in his head, this can be about communication or decisions or somebody who's being detached or trying to detach from a situation and then the knight of pentacles which is slow and solid action… 

Him having so many pentacle cards is kind of interesting although I guess really there's only two but I just get a lot of Earth energy. And again I just think that comes from somebody who had to build a routine to survive and intellectually and mentally deal with their situation. And then you know the oracles besides the seasons card which also reminds me of the Naruto seal on his stomach and then the worker which has this worker bee.

So on the one hand I do feel like he's still kind of caught in the military energy and so that must have been really go go go and ironically also didn't he get stung by bees so that's kind of interesting but I feel like he's trying to take the energy that he put into the military stuff and now he has to transition it into BTS stuff and for some reason that's kind of difficult for him? Or like it's strange for him like he can't turn off the military him right now. 

I think he needs to accept that he's changed and that that is okay. I feel like he's really worried about being perceived as having changed and having people or like he's perceiving that people will be disappointed that he's not the same as he was before. And then maybe that makes him feel like okay what can I do to be that person which I think intellectually he would know that that's impossible right so maybe he feels like he's letting people down by not being that person anymore or not knowing how to go back or knowing that he can't ever be that person again. 

And again this is just his perception I think it's realistic to say that's an experience that will forever change somebody but it's also about you know how you handle it. Like when you were even more about other people's perception and then you're also worrying about your own internal confusion then I think you just get even more stressed out and upset. Granted my understanding he was also drinking when he posted that but people drink to cope if you drink that much that you are drunk texting or drunk messaging online then well that's concerning. I also kind of wondered if given that JK apologized for the hat if maybe jimin gave him the hat and was actually apologizing for that or if he was kind of apologizing on behalf of JK too for whatever reason he might have felt responsible. I don't know that for sure and that's not in the cards or anything but it's just something I thought was really odd 

I can tell you some other little traits that you'll probably already know he's clearly a hard worker. He's very intelligent. Especially when it comes to math and science. I guess I also sends a little frustration maybe he feels like he's going in circles. But let me kind of look at the cards because there is something here right we have one card that indicates somebody at the end of a painful cycle and maybe even energy of feeling stuck in that kind of energy. Then we have the four of pentacles where somebody is holding on to something and then the Queen of pentacles next to that card which looks like she's also holding on in the same way as the four of pentacles guy 

So we know he's stuck on something. He could be protecting something, he could be holding on to something that might not necessarily be a material item but a belief that's hardened over time. And to me it feels like it is that a little bit like I'm holding on to this persona that I needed to become to be strong in those circumstances. I know I've pretty much already said that but that's just what I keep getting like he had to be a certain way to be strong maybe not just for himself but for JK or the younger people that were there so it's like he took on this responsible persona. Like a dad? Or a protector. And I think he really felt responsible for other people and maybe something about that kind of mess with his head 

It makes me think that advice would be to allow himself to be in a relationship with friends or family where he allows them to take care of him for a while instead of him trying to take care of other people. He needs to remember that he doesn't have to be in that leader position. That he can let go of it.

Yeah that's a lot of what I'm getting like this really heavy sense of responsibility and maybe it's not even just weighing on him now but it's the whole 18-month experience of having that weight on his shoulders. 

We're about to enter Leo season so there could be also something happening for him during Leo season since we have the strengths card here I do think he's thinking about a project or work because we have somebody who's thinking and maybe writing and intellectualizing and then with the other cards there's a sense of creativity and maybe a new project and that it's being thoroughly worked on. This could be just what's happening during July he's working on something it could be that he will actually have something to release but I don't think so. This feels more like thinking and planning energy but then again we have like a creative inspiration energy and then we have somebody who to me looks like they're actually writing with this Queen of swords like this is either either you know writing a song or it could even be a message that he's going to deliver. 

But since I have the page of wands here it does make me think this is more about a song than just you know he has something to say. You have like the stages happening here with the creativity and inspiration and then okay now we're putting it on paper and now it's become like an actual song so he will be working on stuff and hopefully the things that he's feeling and going through it would be most beneficial if instead of just taking songs from other people that he write a song about his own experience I'm feeling more like he needs to process this through writing and not just performing or dancing or singing somebody else's song so yes I do see him working on a song or album starting July and could he have or could he release something or do a cover yeah sure but I'm not really feeling that because I'm feeling like a restlessness okay to do something that allows him to express something about the way he's thinking. And if I had to guess you know what the topic would be about, it could be about overcoming something. It could be about change or cycles or life moving on 

I mean it would be more like face again where it could be about negative thoughts or depression or being sad or being insecure. I don't know if he is actually going to do this but to me the cards are saying the best thing for him would be to channel whatever he's feeling now into music 

The song or project if it's not just talking about the next BTS album, the song could be a collaboration with one other person. It could be one of the BTS members it could be somebody who's a Leo 

I also think in order to preoccupy himself he knows or will anyway throw himself into work. I would worry about him not being able to sleep very well right now. I see some insomnia. I see insecurity. I see self-doubt. I see worrying about what other people think in particular I mean fans and like I said it would be related to feeling like he would disappoint them by by not being who he was or not being like happy-go-lucky and smiley like not being allowed to have these difficult feelings or be depressed.

I kind of almost want to grab another oracle card so hold on.

So my little witchy Oracle the back of the deck is nurture. And then three cards came out which are centered, prosperity, focus 

I think that makes sense again with the other cards like there's a sense of kind of closing off. I won't say it's like isolating because there could still be people around him but he would still be isolating his energy. Not that I think he's autistic but to just use an example of you know when you are so pulling inward that you can't have people touching you or you have sensory overload like even a tag on a shirt really bothers you. It's kind of making sense now like when I watched the live that he kind of like pulled away physically from JK sometimes or like didn't like to be physically touched unless he could initiate it. And that has nothing to do with his relationship with JK this is all internalized stuff that I think jimin is going through 

Like you know you just are in such a bad mood and everything irritates you or like that's just what I'm getting like the fabric feels wrong I can't sleep in my bed because like the sheets feel rough. And it's just his mental state. I feel like he's really hyper fixated on his thoughts and he's really stuck in his head right now and I think he realizes that he needs to put that energy somewhere and I think he'll put it into his work. He's very self-focused is the thing I'm getting and again I feel a bit of depression and I feel that depression comes from thinking about life and the phases of life and again like this is what I was like when I was younger and I'm not this anymore and then this is what I was like in the military but now I'm not that anymore and now I'm this new thing that I haven't figured out yet. 

So I think trying to figure this out is kind of what's setting him off but at the same time he knows like change and getting older is normal and he's just processing how to get through it. You know how some people can be so optimistic that they're like oh yeah this is normal like I won't be like this in a few years he's more of a person that is I don't know how to get to the next stage or like we'll worry that it won't ever pass even though intellectually he knows it will pass. But like it just feels so long for him like and also he doesn't don't know how to get there so rather than focus on that which is making herself depressed and kind of crazy, he's going to do probably what he's always done which is throw himself into work. Even when he was younger you know when he was stressed out and he's talked about being more angry when he was young, that was the time when he worked the hardest right.

He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping he was just working and I think he might fall into that kind of cycle because he's just in his head right. And I think probably the people around him are going to be worried but I think at this point the other people around him also know how to take care of him and watch out for him. But I think he's so used to being a caretaker and responsible for other people that now that he's in a place where he only has to be responsible for himself, that's difficult for him that's a hard transition. And I think that people closest to him will notice that he's withdrawing from them a little bit and they might get kind of worried. And maybe the BTS members know him well enough to handle that when he withdraws they're like okay well this is what he has to do to deal with it and I don't think that they'll be that worried about it 

And I don't think any of them will be hurt if he does withdraw into himself to figure out himself right he should be allowed that time just like the other guys should be allowed to process what they went through and who they are now. You know j-hope seemed so well adjusted and so did Jin but j-hope has also thrown himself into work and so did Jin… 

So I guess what I would say is as a fan you just have to send him love and have patience as he kind of figures out what he needs to do so maybe he'll write a message and delete it or he'll want to post something and then delete it again like on IG or he'll second-guess himself and not be as confident at this moment but that's because he's just really vulnerable right now and I don't think he knows how to be that. I think he always feels like he has to be really strong and if he's not then he's disappointing other people 

So I don't know I mean I hope he eats well and he will try to sleep I don't think he really will I think he'll just work really hard for a while until he wears himself out and so he doesn't have to think about everything but if he does produce something like writing based off of those feelings again it will be another really personal album where either it deals with darker thoughts or he tries to like use that energy but create something more hopeful out of it I guess. Not fake but like almost more like how Muse felt after face. But I'd be fine with another face album personally I really loved face.

If I could talk to him the things that I would suggest would be well first of all therapy. He really needs somebody objective to talk to and then I would also tell him to besides working out or writing, to do more mindful activities like yoga stuff that is good for the body but also clears his mind like the Ariel yoga would be really good for him right now. 

I don't think things like boxing or anything more aggressively physical would be great he needs to be doing Pilates or yoga or back to ballet or contemporary dancing. I guess maybe you could even say what I'm saying is you know how before he was a blend of masculine and feminine energy and maybe even more toward feminine energy. I think he's really been in that masculine energy and so he's a little unbalanced so it's interesting that in my mind if he goes more toward activities that are of that soft and gentle and feminine energy that I think he would go back into that balance. I mean I'm just speculating but that's what it feels like. I feel really like worked up and I have like testosterone and I'm like aggressive and kind of temperamental and Moody. And I just feel like I would need to be soft again. I need people to take care of me. I need to do activities that are gentle on the mind and the body. Dancing would be really good for him right now. Taking some time to be alone would be good for him right now and not feeling guilty about that 

What else can I say. I also think he's really proud of his achievements. I think he'll always be proud of his achievements and know that he's cared about billboard stuff and those kind of physical achievements that you can have or trophies. But also I see that he's really proud of his achievements in the military maybe he's always been like this cuz probably when he was in Middle School or high school or whatever when he was the president of the class, he would have been an overachiever. Like getting a certificate or getting a medal would have meant a lot to him. And this is not a big deal it's just a side note I'm seeing with all these pentacles that He's always proud of his accomplishments. Maybe it means that he thinks that his self-worth is based on achievements or accomplishments and if he's not achieving something maybe that's a scary thought for him 

And yeah what I'm saying is like he's going to be wanting to stay in this worker beat energy and the hope is that he can transition from the go-go of military into working on a song or an album or going on tour because again like if he doesn't have anything to show maybe he feels like he's not accomplishing anything so he has to move on to the next thing where he can have something physical to show people that he's doing stuff so I do feel like there's also this sense of panic. You know when you get to a certain age and you feel like your time is running out even though you're still very young or I feel like those are kind of the feelings he's thinking about. Maybe because he is around 30 and 30 is a very weird birthday if you are still younger than that. It's kind of the age where you start feeling like okay I'm old and life is over which doesn't make sense right because people live until they're 80 or 90 like so it's all just mental…

I'm curious because I guess I'm curious about his relationship with JK. When I watched the live I could tell that they were even closer than before. And this has nothing to do with how either feels about each other but I just really feel like even for how close they are and what they went through, I can anticipate JM kind of pulling away. Not just from JK but from everybody. So I'm really hoping that JK keeps him grounded and is patient with him. I think at this point they know each other well enough that they know what they need or when they need space or when even if they think they need space they need somebody to say no I'm here for you but I'll give you space. Without being offended but somebody wants to be alone or maybe a little bit more snippy. But yeah I really think those two especially know each other well enough and have been through these stages in life before that they can anticipate the others needs without smothering them or without judging them or whatever. I feel that way about all the members but those two especially always seem to be on the same wavelength 

But yeah for some reason I just think this transition into civilian life is a little bit more difficult for him than the others although I think RM experienced that too but I don't think his issue is about the transition. I don't think he ever really transitioned into military life it was more about how awful the experience was for him and probably how it wasted 2 years of his life. Whereas I really think jimin became a different person for a while because that's what he had to do to survive and because that was his job although he's always been a caregiver for BTS but this was like somebody who even probably felt like he was responsible for other people's lives that's how seriously he took it is what I'm feeling. And I just don't think he's let go of that energy and maybe he never will and maybe he needs to find other ways to channel that. He could do that through philanthropy through mentorship through helping others especially children or people in need. 

Not just give money but I feel like physically he needs to have something like that and yeah. I just think there's a lot going on in his mind and he should be allowed the time to figure it out and everybody should give him the patience and love that he deserves as he figures it out and hopefully he's able to channel it into a personal album without exhausting himself. And the other interesting thing I can say I like the first cards that I pulled the figures are either like looking at the present or the past but then the three next cards right which probably deal with the future are all looking ahead. Thanks so he just needs some time to process the past and what he went through and then he will transition and into thinking about the future and going in that direction but just allow him this time to think about it and be stuck in the past for a little bit and stuck in his feelings. He'll come out of it eventually and he'll probably be able to process it through work 

You know when I look at the bee card… I also see these little honeycombs as metals as well so it's like he's collecting things. Besides talking about collecting achievements or medals or money or whatever or abundance, I wonder if he's started collecting something. If he is, it would be something kind of goofy like figurines or what comes to mind are like little military guys. You know those plastic army soldiers but maybe they would be figures I just get the sense that he is now or will soon start collecting items. And it feels obsessive so that's why it makes me think it's like a weird sudden hobby of collecting something physical but small. I don't think it's art although I guess it could be it feels like small figures it really is coming off like figurines or I wouldn't say snow globes but like that kind of thing. Little mecha robots or something…

I guess it could be like watches or rings but it doesn't feel like it's material in that sense it feels like little objects 

And also the oracle cards show a lot of emphasis on night time and the moon so again I'm feeling like he's not really sleeping he's got insomnia and he might be trying to work during the night time. It could indicate also you know More about feelings, somebody who has really strong intuition but yeah I see him becoming more of a night owl again. And I feel really drawn to the bats on this witch's outfit for one of the later oracles that I pulled. But I don't know why that would be relevant to him. But there's something very dark about this card even though it says prosperity it also indicates maybe this is about the fall, it makes me think about face again and like that kind of darkness and then also the outfit he wore for his photo book that kind of like BDSM black outfit so he might go back to that kind of dark side of creativity or The duality I guess because I have one card of a kind of witch in black and then I have another card of somebody in white looking out white flowers and then this other card that says centered which has a bunch of moons on it so it's like again probably somebody trying to come into balance when they have a dual side and I think his Moon is in Gemini anyway so doesn't that make sense 

Okay I think that's about all I want to say about that. There's no point in really trying to predict the future especially the long-term future for him because I feel like I'm so stuck in my head and so stuck in the present that he's not completely open to the future yet even though he has said that they've talked about the future I still think like I'm stuck in a Whirlpool and I'm going around and around in circles and even if we talked about the future during military now that the reality has set in it's overwhelming and I don't know what to do with myself and so I'm ready to go back to my old patterns which is throwing myself into work so I don't have to think about it and I'm thinking about okay well I need to be doing something because if I'm not doing something and I'm not able to show something then people will forget me or I'm not of any value. And that's of course not true but that just seems to be his way of thinking. And I think probably he found a lot of value for himself in the military and they have obvious achievements as you work your way up in the military and he might be used to that and now he's come back and he's like okay I liked that and I want to do that and I think he was doing that even before the military 

And that's not to say he still won't be goofy or he won't smile or go back into his old like cute self but there's just more you know he can't really go back to that exactly because he's probably seen too much but he'll come to find a balance again of of who he was and who he is now and who he is going to be in the future. That's just part of life right we don't stay the same. Experiences affect us in different ways and we carry them and they change us and that's just life 

I think too I don't really know what this means and this will be the final thing that I talk about that these things that he's holding on to that I've talked about could be achievements or collecting figures also I feel like there is a person. It could be one person or it could be multiple people. As in it could be all of BTS. Or it could be all of the fans. There is something very precious that he is holding on to and it's something physical and there's a sentimental feeling here. I'm more drawn to the idea of fans than a person although there could be that you know somebody in his life who is very meaningful that he is afraid that he'll lose. I guess it could also be that plus you know losing himself. I don't feel that as much this feels like something outside of himself. Something he's fond of or someone he's fond of. I mean he could be going through a situation in his personal life where he feels like distance between himself and somebody or he's worried about somebody leaving him. 

But given his message. It also would make more sense that this is about the fandom. I don't know what triggered him to feel this way. But there is a sense of like holding on to the fans and being sentimental and caring deeply about them and seeing somebody as a companion. And maybe that's what he was talking about for some reason he is holding on to us because he's afraid that it will go away. This feels layered to me though like when someone feels this way and you're like okay so it's just about feeling like the fans will go away no I mean there has to be more to this. There was probably a triggering event that we may never know what that is. And then it feels like it's more than that like it could be holding on to the past or a fear of abandonment or not even just being a fear of abandonment like the fandom forgetting about him I actually feel like it's a reverse fear where he sees it as losing touch with fans like you would think okay he's thinking about fans abandoning him. I think it's the opposite and he is worried about him abandoning fans 

Like do you know when people realize that they have a pattern of getting into a relationship and eventually they just push the person away. That's more like what it feels to me. He can say that it's about you know or maybe you would perceive it as being about fans leaving him behind or getting tired of him or moving away from him. I think it's him. Maybe whatever he's going through or the time away from the fandom or changing his perception about the fandom, has made him feel like he is detached or doesn't know the fandom or is drifting apart from the fandom or is changing his feelings about something to do with being a performer. This could just stem from insecurity or yeah that's more of what I get. And maybe he perceives how he is or has been distancing himself from fans. Like he chose to while he was gone even though they updated us a little bit that he chose and wanted that distance and that time away to be a person again. 

And maybe he also feels a little bit guilty that he felt like he need distance from the fans and so now he's like I hope you don't think I'm fake or if I say I miss you even though I pulled away. And it's like no you're just a human and you were entitled to feel like a person again because being a celebrity and especially with the way the fandom tends to treat him in particular. I don't know if that has ever affected him or just subconsciously he's been like why do I work so hard and then people on this fandom treat me like s***. He would never say that or probably think that exactly but I mean how could you not eventually harbor just a little bit of resentment and then that resentment becomes guilt. Or not even just guilt but maybe even like okay what am I doing wrong it must be me if that's the way people feel about me or perceive me as opposed to thinking that maybe it's the fandom. Fault my personal opinion is that yes it's the fandom the fandom has become very toxic. 

I mean it's always been toxic but it's really become toxic in the past few years. Like but I guess when you don't have the perspective that the fans do, maybe he sees it differently. From the way he talks about his weight, how he is perceived even after all these years is clearly very important to him. I mean he didn't even want to be seen in public while he was having that bigger build or not having hair. So yeah I think some of his friendships or even with family or if there's any romantic entanglements, it's going to be a little bit rough and there could be a little bit of fighting but I think that's because he's rejecting and he's insecure and what he probably craves is reassurance. I mean we're air signs we do that. We test people we get insecure and we get into our heads. So I hope he's surrounding himself with people who are just like I don't care I'm just here for you and I love you and I know that this isn't going to be like this forever 

Also I don't know if he has a dog or some kind of pet but probably a dog although a lion is a cat right and I'm looking at this strength card but like something that would be beneficial for him too would be working with animals like an animal foundation of some kind or having a pet around whether it's a cat or a dog actually I do think maybe you'll see a picture in the next couple of months of him posting an animal that could be a dog or cat or it could be a picture of him with bam. But I do get the sense that there's a dog or cat around I just can't tell because the lion is making me think cat but the lion and the strength card looks like a dog and it's about a companion but then I'm still getting cat energy. So I'm just going to say an animal and when he's looking for just like fun activities I see him playing with a dog or cat or both but probably a dog. And I think he'll get another tattoo. I saw that maybe he had a new tattoo which I thought looked like an acorn I don't know if it is or not but I see him getting more tattoos and I just saw something kind of weird in TMI but like I think he's pretty kinky. 

I'm sorry that's random but I'm getting that from the strength card. Like somebody who gets off on disciplining. Not the reverse in case you're interested but no he would be the one in charge but anyway. Cuz I see him training this lion and making the lion be obedient but anyway none of my business. And also you know I just think he probably has control issues too. And maybe those things came out a lot in the military because you can be rigid and have control and then you leave that situation and do you have control over anything anymore? I guess what you would have control over would be work and achievements and acknowledgement and again I'm seeing like training a dog. There's a lot more rigid energy around him than you would expect and I hope he's able to relax and have fun again and remember that life doesn't have to be serious. It kind of reminds me at the end of are you sure when it's the morning where they're going back to the airport and he's barely talking and JK is trying to get him to laugh but he's like sad and he's not even talking a whole lot which is really unusual for him. But that's the kind of vibe that I'm getting where he's in his head like that and yeah okay well that was a lot so I'll leave it there 

[welcome-to-sparkys]

Mike with POTS Headcannon

Now I don't think of this hc as my truth (unlike the au I adore where Ness replaces Vanessa plot wise and is this cute little investigator) but Mike is definitely disabled. And so am I!!! In fact, I have POTS and EDS

POTS (Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) is a condition that causes a number of symptoms when you transition from lying down to standing up, such as a fast heart rate, dizziness and fatigue. [Via Cleveland Clinic]

It is why he is always so sleepy!!!!!

With money being tight, he always puts Abby first. So his diet is... Extremely lacking. He needs more salt in him (sodium greatly helps diminish symptoms)

He does exercise though, which helps keep his heart healthy and helps with symptoms.

But POTS certainly wasn't well understood in 2000. It also presents more commonly in women. It wasn't until our pandemic 20 years later has medicine started to tackle and understand the disease.

He's in the majority where he experiences presyncope [dizziness with no fainting/dizziness that preludes fainting] but never syncope [fainting] unless the conditions are extreme.

He should use a cane on his severe flare up days, but refuses to

He enjoys his security jobs because he can sit when he needs to (standing for long periods of time can be difficult with POTS).

He did pass out once when he worked at the mall but he told HR it was heat stroke or some lie he pulled out his ass because he felt like he was having a heart attack (he was having palpitations - extremely common with POTS) but didn't want to go to the ER for that. Can't afford the ambulance 😩

If he ever does get diagnosed it's later in life and he stresses to Abby to see if she also has it (it can be genetic).

[saturnatdawn]

In the past two days the public transit bus driver sped past my stop. This has costed me more money that I’d care to spend on Ubers, and has meant I’ve gotten home so late that I cannot even get a full 8 hours of sleep before my next shift. This has been extremely frustrating and scary given that I live an hour away from my job and it’s 10:00 at night, so the bus that I have to catch home is the last one scheduled. The bus didn’t come again tonight, and I was stuck on the curb outside my job, it’s sweltering outside and I didn’t have the funds to take an Uber so i’m waiting for my partner to drive all the way out to pick me up—not to mention she also needs to be up at 8am the next day and I am now taking 2 hours away from her time to rest over this— well the bus showed up nearly an hour and a half past the scheduled time. A guy steps out of the bus with a cigarette in hand, and I take it as an opportunity to ask about my stop being skipped. He gets wide eyed and becomes so apologetic. My bus stop is in the parking lot of a university, so I found this to be a little frustrating because he didn’t enter the parking lot, and I saw him drive past the school.

HOWEVER. I understand we are all human. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never half assed one of my jobs before. Casual cruelty is so normalized in American culture and I truly try to not partake in it. I didn’t yell at him. I didn’t get snippy or angry, and I talked it out with him. Although it was too late, he offered to take me to where I needed to be despite the fact he was off the clock. I just want to remind everyone that most people are not intentionally trying to fuck you over, nor are they trying to make life difficult, or be inconvenient. It would have taken more effort for me to yell at him than it did to just have a civil conversation. Please don’t subscribe to the American norm of being cruel simply because you were inconvenienced.

When I told my mom about this she got mad at me for not being more angry, but here is the thing: I was exhausted and pissed off. Yelling at this guy would not have made my night better and to be quite frank, it would have made me feel even worse. I probably would have been crying in the Arts & Science building after a long day if I had been mean to him. But there I was being chastised by my mom for not being meaner. What a miserable mindset to have.

[supermassivebutthole]

I am autistic. For me, this means I have heightened sensitivity to stimulus, problems regulating my emotions, problems completing tasks in a timely or "usual" manner, and trouble presenting myself to people in a way that might feel natural to them.

Because of this, the wage labor that is available to me is technically possible, but really lessens my quality of life. It's difficult for me to do the same thing every day because I don't always have enough energy for the work I'm required to do. Some days, I can do the wage labor, take care of myself, AND find time for things I enjoy. Most days, I have to pick and choose. If I work every weekday, that means that 5/7 days I have to make really difficult choices about how to spend my time.

When I have a job, sometimes I have to choose between showering or sleeping and going to work, or between making dinner or avoiding a meltdown that might derail my day.

Meltdowns happen for a lot of reasons. I might have a meltdown from an unpleasant sensory experience (my environment being too loud; feeling too itchy or hot; being hungry, tired, or sick; feeling confused about my surroundings or a social situation)

For me, a meltdown feels like a panic attack, if the panic were replaced with dread, sadness, fear, and shame, with an uncontrollable need for intense, sometimes physically harmful pressure on my body. During a meltdown, I might cry, scream, pull on my hair, hit or scratch myself, lose the ability to speak, or try desperately to find a small, dark space like a closet or under furniture to hide.

Meltdowns can make me feel physically sick, ashamed, and they are exhausting even once they are over. A meltdown might mean that I have lost some energy that I critically need, especially if Im participating in wage labor.

But it isn't only the energy management that's difficult for me. The jobs themselves are often confusing, demeaning, and exhausting. I have a hard time following directions that might seem clear to other people, so sometimes I need to ask for more direction than my managers are comfortable providing. Customer service positions drain me completely and leave me dangerously tired, confused, and disoriented at the end of my shift. Food service positions present me with stressful time constraints, unpredictable situations, and unpleasant sights, sounds, and smells that can trigger meltdowns. Socializing with coworkers is often confusing, distracting, and disorienting. Transitions to and from work cause me extreme distress.

The longer I work in environments I find untenable, the more energy I have to give toward surviving those environments. This results in a downward spiral that eventually ends in me leaving the job.

Luckily I have a partner who works, but the money we make isn't enough for us to have the quality of life that everyone on the planet deserves to have.

I am useful at home, where the environment is predictable and safe, and I can complete tasks in my time and my own way, but no one pays you for doing your dishes or laundry, cleaning the house or making dinner. These are things you're expected to do on top of everything you do to make money, which is untenable for me because of my autism, but I also recognize is just plain untenable.

Domestic work is work, necessary work, hard work, and for a lot of us, the only accessable work that we have. My partner performs better at her job when she doesn't have to worry about laundry, dishes, dinner, maintaining the house, checking the mail, taking out garbage, or the million other things that have to be kept up with at home.

But she doesn't make enough money alone for it to be acceptable for me to not participate in wage labor. And worse, if we complain about our position in life, we're met with comments suggesting that we deserve this lesser quality of life because we didn't go to college, because I don't have a job, because we are on foodstamps and public healthcare, because we aren't trying hard enough.

But we don't have a choice. There's only so hard I can try before I actually, literally, and actionably end my life. There are only so many hours that my partner can work while coping with her own disabilities and personal problems. There is only so much we can do. And predominant social structures would suggest that if we really aren't capable of doing more, than we deserve to fill all of our idle time with suffering. It's just such bullshit.

[karlmarxmaybe]

Ok so: MUSCLE MAN FROM REGULAR SHOW IS A WOMAN I WILL NOT BE SILENCED Muscle Man is weird in that she goes around all playing the obnoxious dunks-on-you shitbro BUT the dunks have the dadaist twist of being "MY MOM!" instead of "YOUR MOM!" which makes them more baffling than anything? It's fragile asshole masculinity... a little to the left. A little weird. That's the first sign.

Now the big guns: STARLA. Muscle man treats Mordecai and Rigby like shit and does not respect them in the least. They're her friends, but they're worms to her. And she genuinely likes them! But her only way of showing that is insulting and demeaning them. So classic asshole man, no? No. Because SHE TREATS STARLA LIKE AN EQUAL. Mordecai and Rigby? They're below her. Starla? Shoulder to shoulder. Their relationship is one of if not the healthiest in the show; they listen to each other. They understand each other.

There's an episode in which they watch a Generic Pretentious French Movie about a couple who cannot remain apart and that destroys them (via explosion) and Starla decides that, to prove their love, they need to remain apart for a week and gets really melodramatic about it. Now this is one of the show's misogynist jokes of "oh, women and their demanding attention and commitment and weird lovey-dovey shit." Starla is the butt of the joke here; Mordecai and Rigby are like "dude, it's only a movie dude, that's a stupid idea duude." But not Muscle Man. SHE TAKES IT 100% SERIOUSLY. FROM MINUTE ONE. WHEN STARLA IS LIKE "WE NEED TO DO THIS TO PROVE OUR LOVE" MUSCLE MAN IS LIKE "ALRIGHT. I LOVE YOU. I WILL DO THIS FOR OUR LOVE, NO MATTER IF IT HURTS." THEY'RE IN THE SAME MELODRAMA WAVELENGTH. THE MYSOGINISTIC JOKE IS ALSO TARGETING MUSCLE MAN. SHE IS BEING AFFECTED. BY. MISOGYNY. DO YOU SEE IT!

(tw sa implied)

The episode in which Muscle Man tries to be "normal" so she gets an alienating office job, only to discover they're tricking her to use her Masculine Strength as fuel. Pretending To Be A Normal Man Only Leads To Her Body Being Exploited For Its Percieved Male Physical Prowess Without Her Consent. Kill me.

The episode in which she has to care for a baby and the cartoons they watch (offbrand Teletubbies) attack her in her nightmares with their extremely cringe Love and Hugs powers. She Has To Maintain A Façade Of Masculinity She Has To She's Terrified Of Being Girly She's Nothing If She Isn't "Muscle" "Man"

The episode in which we find out why she's called Muscle Man. That's Not Her Birth Name(!). She went to her father's gym as a teen and found out she was good at weightlifting and excercising and contorsionism and such so the Bros at the gym welcomed her as one of their own and she found comraderie but eventually she left that world behind (!) to slouch in her couch (!!). And in the episode she has to beat a jackass at a contorsionism competition by doing the incredibly difficult pose "the shredder" which her dead father left her a tape about and she has to reckon with who she used to be to reach inner peace and be graceful enough to do it and OH MY FUCKING GOD GIRL PLEASE TRANSITION YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO I AM YELLING AT MY TV THE LOWEST WILL GET JUSTICE

If you see this post you’re legally required to tell me at least one trans woman headcanons you have for a canonically male character, I never get to see transfem headcanons like that, give me them, and for equality of my own please know estrogen could have saved Insector Haga and Dinosaur Ryuzaki I will not elaborate, also Yuya.

[cglacia]

Eh, let's do this. This'll be days 1 and 2 in one post.

April 1st:

Do you have trouble recognizing emotions in either yourself or other people? Do you ever find it hard to tell how you're feeling or even to describe how you're feeling to other people? Have you ever had trouble properly expressing your feelings? Do you have trouble recognizing what other people are feeling?

Yes, to all. Well, I can tell what people might be feeling if it's very obvious, but I don't really feel confident in my guess unless they outright tell me (and even then, they might be lying). And I feel so disconnected from most of my feelings that I wonder if they're so confusing that I don't know how to put them into words, or if it's delayed emotional processing, or both.

Journaling has helped, but only if the feeling is strong enough for me to remember by the time I'm able to write it down.

How does this make life difficult for you, if it does?

Well, I fear that if I can't judge how someone is feeling, I might say or do the wrong thing and wind up hurting them, which I obviously don't want to do, even accidentally. It's one of the many reasons why I withdraw from people.

April 2nd:

Dependence. How independent are you? Are you able to live alone? Have a caretaker? Live with a relative?

I live alone, and almost completely independently. In fact, I'm a solo homeowner. I work a six figure tech job, I drive (public transit in my area is nonexistent), I run all of my own errands, I cook most of my meals and do all of the housework, I pay all of my bills and manage my finances with no external assistance, and I handle all of my own appointments and other obligations. I say I'm "almost" completely independent because my dad insists on mowing my lawn and I get his help with home improvement projects as I slowly learn to do them myself. Also, my dad still does my taxes, but now that the house purchase is out of the way, I'm definitely going to learn how to do that for next year, too.

How well do I handle all of that, though? Not well, haha. I'm physically able to do it all, technically, but it drains me a lot. But it's worth it to me; I absolutely could not stand living with my parents.

Also, owning a house is great and I love the freedom and privacy, but I want to stress that it's not all fun and games. My finances feel more precarious than they've ever been because if something breaks, it's solely up to me to fix it; I am now the landlord. For example, my HVAC system is old and weak, and will need to be replaced, which will cost thousands of dollars. I made sure to save up the money for this and it won't hurt my day-to-day financial situation, but ouch!

Is there anything you need help with in your daily life? If you live alone, does being autistic make anything about it more difficult?

I don't need help with anything specific; it's more the quantity of things and their combined mental load combined with the constant exhaustion of being autistic while existing in a neurotypical world. I've been contemplating hiring a professional cleaner to do a deep clean of my house maybe once a year.

Do you wish you lived with someone?

I've joked before that I need a housewife (I'm aroace, lol). It sounds nice in theory, but knowing that someone else is in my vicinity turns on my stress and I just can't unmask or fully relax. (One of my current stims is very loud singing and echolalia that would be extremely disruptive to do in public, and trying to do it more quietly does not have the same effect for me.) Also, I don't know that I'd want to share my home with someone else at this point after almost five years of building my life to my exact preferences. It could be nice to find a life partner who is fine with potentially zero sex or romance, but finding that person also sounds like a ton of work that I don't have the energy for.

The fact that I'm a solo homeowner and have built this life that's so completely reliant on me living completely alone makes me feel like the stakes are a bit higher for me to find a way to keep all of this going. Living with my parents was incredibly dysregulating for me, and if I underwent burnout or major skill regression and could no longer work or care for myself and had to move back in with them, I fear that I might never recover.

April 3rd will be in a separate post, because that's going to be a bit of a doozy.

[landofwindandskyscrapers]

C/L What I learnt from writing a short story

So, I set for myself the goal of writing more than 10.000 words in February and I did indeed manage to do so! The story I produced was not perfect (far from it), but I also have a full time job and other obligations in my life. I’m quite happy I managed to stick with you (thank you, saint Beeminder, I couldn’t have done it without you), but after having gone through it I don’t think I’m gonna quit my day job. The Beeminder graph for my goal. Note that by the end of it I was really treading water Because writing in a serious fashion is a hell of a lot of work! (also, water is wet). My previous attempts at writing at a somewhat good output level (see - around 700 words. Would’ve been 500 but I start out when February had already started) were when I was either in university or I was single, and so I had a lot more free time to burn. This time, the goal didn’t seem so daunting - I mean, writing a short story in a month doesn’t seem so impressive, but there were a lot of days when I came back from work, had dinner, impressed upon my wife how important this was to me, and sat down in front of my computer with dread choking up my throat. And yet, there were a lot of rewarding moments. Figuring out that I could just put in a scene break and a timeskip, in the moments when there was a transition between scenes I just couldn’t figure out how to write was a bit of a relevation. Knowing in my bones that the story could go in any single way I wanted depending on what I needed it to be (and changing the backstory of any character on a whim) is also nice, and something I wish was more appreciated about being a writer. The story can be whatever you want it to be!! You just have to justify!! Surprisingly, the parts that gave me most trouble were the “meat and potatoes”, actually doing descriptions and stuff. Also, because I could only manage to do this by chaining myself to an arbitrary goal (see graph above), all the editing I did was extremely minimal, and even thinking of changing something (and there are a lot of places which deserve changes) makes me nauseous. It’s also incredible, finding out how difficult it is for people to somehow manage to read your mind when you introduce concepts into the story. (To be fair, the genre I wrote in is exceptionally dense in concepts alien to the average reader, my own vocabulary is disgustingly broad, wide and deep, and explaining things is a bit of a weakness of mine). I’m still tempted in making everything into exposition, but that probably wouldn’t make for a good story. I don’t know if I’ll write semi- (well, quarter-) seriously any time soon, but I *am* going to publish on Royal Road just for the hell of it and see what the reception is like there. Overall, happy I did it, but writing is probably not for me. Which makes me a bit sad, but it is what it is; nobody has time or opportunity to do everything they’d like. Subscribe now Made with ChatGPT. Quite apt in how it describes my feelings at the end, actually via https://ift.tt/hdgFn1i

[dr4kenlvr]

𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑 !!

feat. mikey sano, draken, baji keisuke, chifuyu matsuno, mitsuya takashi (reader is mentioned here and there too!) - crack/humour/fluff (1.2k+)

nana's note: can toman boys drive cars?? no keep reading to find out about the boys and their driving habits!! spoiler alert: in no way should you drive like them please don't listen to this post LMAO

MIKEY

to mikey, the written test wasn't too bad—he went in, sat in his little cubicle, and got through the questionnaire without too much issue

dude couldn't lie though, he was sweating bullets at the demerit point questions FR

but of course, mikey boasts to everyone (especially baji but we'll get to that later) about his success, and is very excited to hit the road

didn't realize just how small being behind a car wheel feels until he sits and needs to bump the seat up a few notches LMAO

baji teases him: "you need heels on to reach the pedals, too? HAHHAHA"

is constantly driving with an :0 expression

"oh my god, the car is moving ken, im making the car move—ken, look!"

"yes mikey, your foot is on the gas pedal."

cheers when he does a left turn successfully, because fuck are those a pain in the ass sometimes

sometimes forgets to signal, and has been flipped off a few times for almost crashing in front of the car behind him

"oops!"

mikey absolutely has a snack stash in his trunk too—it's filled, and always being refilled, with sweets, savoury treats, and drinks

"y/n, could you grab me a bag of chips please? any flavour!" he yells from the front

???? what ????—you crane your head back to a fucking kitchen of snacks like it's normal for anyone to have that much

occasionally gets extremely tired at the wheel, and shuts his eyes for two seconds at a red light

it's either a honk waking him up or ken profusively cursing at him

"oops!" x2

DRAKEN

now i don't wanna be bias (user dr4kenlvr, am i right), but ken is probably the second best driver on this list

written test wise, he passed on the first try

wasn't too difficult, and the lady at the desk even congratulated him with a warm smile, to which he happily returned

he got use to the mechanisms of the car pretty quickly

all of these gears and switches were like second nature to him, considering how much he works with motorbikes on the regular

likes to play music as he drives, it varies depending on the time of day it is

nice r&b on a night drive is always his favourite though

once draken gets really comfortable with the wheel, he'll have an arm hanging out the window

heavenly sigh—he looks really good <3

never drove alone with just his G1, despite his delinquent reputation

good job ken!!

one thing though: he has an oddly high level of road rage LMFAOOO

draken thinks it's probably because he's in a car—surrounded by 4 walls—rather than being out in the open like on a bike

people can't hear him curse the living hell out of them with the windows up so...

"what the FUCK, ASSHOLE?—CAN'T SEE I'M TRYNA FUCKIN' PASS?"

"SIGNAL NEXT TIME, YOU BITCH."

"ARGHHH—QUIT YOUR HONKING YOU DICK! I HEAR 'YA"

"WHY IS THIS GUY UP MY FUCKING ASS."

yeah, he gets loud LMAOO and vulgar

with his viens popping out and shit, he probably looks crazy if you pull up next to him in the adjacent lane

just don't look over, you'll be okay

HELP

same ken

BAJI

this mf spent months studying for the written test

he was extremely keen on doing well too, because he wanted the luxury of being able to finally drive a car

baji also wanted to be able to drive his mother to and from work, so that she "wouldn't have to take public transit all the time"

love you keisuke

created study nights with chifuyu, where the boys would quiz each other on repetitive shit like signs

"okay, what's this one?"

"uhh.. there's like a merry-go-round ahead?"

"wha—? d'you mean a ROUNDABOUT???"

he had the right spirit, so chifuyu gave him a point either way AHSDHDSHF

time rolled around and baji declared him finally ready to take on the test and..

...he passed!! yay keisuke !!!

dude wanted to explode from the sheer relief, he literally picked you up and spun you around 18 times out of happiness

BUT THIS MF ON THE ROAD IS SO FUCKING WILD—he's good with the wheel, but like there's always something going on in his car

you could get whiplash by how fast he goes sometimes

he doesn't even mean to

50 maximum but he's going 80

"YOU'RE GONNA GET PULLED OVER OR KILL SOMEONE, KEI' SLOW DOWN."

"oH—FUCK, SORRY! sorry!"

also is a huge multitasker - and isn't too shabby at it

he could be calling someone via bluetooth speaker, while eating, while scratching his back, while signalling into the right lane ALL AT ONCE

miraculous how he doesn't have even a scratch or dent yet to be honest

idk man, just make sure you have your seatbelt on at all times, kay'?

CHIFUYU

i think he gets a little too excited every time he gets behind the wheel

like hes giggling with every lane change or right turn

literally fucking SCREAMS when he sees a cat walk on the road

"NOOOOOOOOOOO—"

"chifuyu, it's fine! it walked back. K-KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!"

has a cushion specifically for peke j in the back seat where no one can sit or move it to sit

"ahh no. that's peke j's spot, you can sit in the trunk or something."

baji: "are you fucking kidding me."

LMAO

speaking of peke j, he has a component in his trunk filled with toys and cat food for him

it's honestly really sweet, how much he cares and cherishes his little cat

you can't find the heart to be too angry with him when you find cat fur stuck to the seats

i think chifuyu has a lot of fucking fast food garbage in his car too

his mom (and you) is always up his ass about it:

"CLEAN YOUR DAMN GARBAGE MATSUNO. THIS IS A CAR, NOT A LANDFILL."

like, you would sit in the passenger seat and at your feet there's just wrappers and straws and shit

you look at him with a look that just speaks volumes of "really?"

and he's all (｡╹ω╹｡)

it's an honest mistake <3

MITSUYA

oh god—the most responsible driver out of his friends by FAR

he is so so happy when he passes, because he is able to get things done quicker with a car than by walking

dropping/picking up his sisters from school, escorting his mother to places, getting groceries, visiting his friends, just about everything in his life is made 10x easier and faster

mitsuya's car ALWAYS smells good

he's always got a new car freshener hooked onto his rearview mirror when the scent runs out

his favourite is lavender <3 and his sisters like the fruity ones but they make his and your's nose tickle

DRIVES WITH ONE HAND ON YOUR KNEE !!!!!

and he does that fucking cute side smile when he talks to you but also needs to pay attention to the road

AHHH <3

LOVES to bring his sisters on drives around the neighbourhood once he gets his full license

plays their favourite songs and sings out loud with them

it'll be cartoon openings and disney soundtracks but he doesn't mind

not when the grin on your's and his sister's faces are so bright and genuine

omfg - picnics where you two set up food in the trunk and watch luna and mana play at the playground

and they rush over when they're hungry to eat and rest

HOW FUCKING CUTE AND PERFECT

MITSUYA TAKASHI IS PERFECT

taglist: @dai-tsukki-desu @kazuhoya @gwynsapphire @sscarchiyo @reiners-milkbiddies @smileyswifeyy @bontensimp-blog @thisbicc @megumisemo (send me an ask or dm to be added!)

reblogs and comments are very appreciated!

[randomimaginesforrandompeople]

Little sister pt. 2 | Riven imagine

Summary: This is a part two of Little sister so if you haven’t read that I advise you to do so! In this part Riven finally asks you out.

A/N:  I  wanted do a part two to show more of ‘your’ thought process but oh well, I really like writing big brother Sky haha. So don’t hesitate to send me request about that I really like big brother Sky! but if there is interest I can always do a part 3? I got some people in my inbox with ideas already so please let me know!

You were interested in Riven, very obviously so. Which Sky hated, making it even more funny to you. You had explained plenty of times that it was none of his business and that you were grown enough to make your own decisions. Sky then often sighed, knowing you were right but just wanting to protect you. You appreciated Sky, you really did, but he needed to loosen up a little.

You had a day off today and you and some of the girls decided to go to the second year specialist training to watch. You had told them about your good bond with Sky but you hadn't told them about your family bond with Silva. You were happy that the others wanted to go to the training as well because you needed an excuse to watch Riven. It was really hard to find moments to be around Riven without Sky basically dragging either of you away.

Riven had tried a million times to tell Sky that he was only joking when he said he just wanted to screw you, he tried to explain that he had actual feelings for you but Sky was extremely stubborn. However, Riven was too and he was not giving up because of his annoyingly protective best friend who would rather have you locked down somewhere than have you date anyone for that matter.

Sky had never seen Riven act this polite and eager before. They were sparring and Silva was giving tips. Riven was acting like never before. He thanked Silva multiple times, asked for help and even wanted to volunteer. "Suck up" Sky laughed after Riven had thanked Silva for the 100th time. "Gotta get him to like me" Sky rolled his eyes "You're joking right?" Riven smirked "Nope, want him to like me for when I start dating y/n" Riven knocked Sky down "Good job Riven!" Silva exclaimed loudly and Riven looked at Sky with a proud grin on his face.

The girls arrived at the training grounds where Sky was currently knocked down. You chuckled "I thought you were supposed to be training, not napping on the floor" Sky growled as Riven laughed. He winked at you and you smiled, blushing a little. Sky wanted to hit his head, this is exactly what he had tried to avoid.

It's not that he didn't trust Riven, he did with his life. It was just hard to see you grow into an adult, who dates. And why did it have to be his best friend? But he noticed the way you were around each other, and Riven even wanting to impress Silva told him that Riven was actually trying.

Sky sighed in defeat as he pulled Riven to the side. "Fine" Riven looked at him confused "I know I am, but what is it?" Sky rolled his eyes "Don't make me change my mind" Riven still looked confused "Could you please just tell me?" Sky sighed once again "You can ask y/n out, but if she says no you stop bothering her" Riven grinned "Thanks" he patted his friend on the back "Oh but she won't say no" Riven laughed as Sky looked at him with a sour face.

Riven wasted no time, stalking right over to you. "Good to see your pretty face again y/n" you smiled "Likewise" He smirked and sat down next to you "Would you maybe like to hang out? Just the two of us" He nodded at Sky and you giggled "I would really like that" He rose up with a big grin on his face "It's a date" he winked at you and got back to Sky "told you she wouldn't say no" Sky rolled his eyes, he was already regretting his decision. ‘’You better treat her right dude because I swear to god-’’ Riven cut Sky off ‘’Come on, I told you this is not like anyone else, I really like her’’ He looked over at you talking and laughing with Musa and Bloom. 

Sky saw the way he looked at you and he realized he spoke the truth ‘’Sorry for being such a pain about it. She’s just..different’’ Sky also looked over at you ‘’I grew up with her, she’s basically my sister and one of the most important people in my life’’ He sighed ‘’But that doesn’t mean that I should hold her back, it’s just a difficult transition’’ Riven patted his back, he was glad his friend was opening up. He didn’t have a sister-like relationship of his own but he could understand where he was coming from and he was happy that Sky was finally telling him about it. ‘’I can see that, I promise that I will treat her right Sky’’ Sky nodded ‘’I know you will’’ the two hugged it out. They walked over to the rest of the group ‘’But I take it that you don’t want details about our upcoming sex life?’’ ‘’Christ Riven, just shut up’’

Taglist: @novawrts @americaswritings​ @voidmalfoy​ @blahhhhhhhaaa​ @reader101k​ @criesinlies​ @artsyle​ @fandomwalflower @teaandcoke​ @glowingatdawn​

If you want to be added/removed from my taglist please let me know!

[prof-peach]

Hello professor, I have a pretty heavy question I’m afraid, but I’m running out of people to ask, so I’ll try my best to keep it PG13.

It’s my Mienshao, Daisy. Up until recently, she and I were members of a police task force tasked with rooting out illegal Pokemon smuggling rings and underground high stakes tournaments. We’ve been partners for a long time, me and Daisy, we grew up together, and I dare say we made a great team. But then things went wrong.

For the sake of security I can’t go into too much detail, but we were participating in a raid when we got ambushed. Someone must have tipped the smugglers off, because they were waiting for us when we got there. During the firefight, there was an explosion, a gas tank got set on fire by a charizard, I believe, and Daisy and I happened to be close. She got out with a few minor burns and scrapes, I... Did not.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but I have been confined to a wheel chair ever since, and I am due to be fitted for a prosthetic leg next week.

I won’t lie, the transition has been hard for everybody, me, my friends, my family. My other Pokémon have been hovering around me like over protective nannies for weeks. But I think out of all of us, Daisy has been taking it the hardest. Half of the day she spends locked to my side like a bodyguard, threatening to punch anyone that gets too close into oblivion. And the other half, well...

She’s started putting herself through some kind of hellish self training routine. Doing katas until she all but collapses from exhaustion, running laps for hours, fighting every Pokemon she can convince to fight, wild or trained. Daisy’s always been tough, and she’s always loved training, but this... This isn’t training, it’s a death march. I’m getting extremely worried, and that’s not even everything!

She’s stopped eating her favorite foods, deliberately choosing ones I know she hates, she won’t let me pet her anymore, she just steps out of reach, trying not to look at me. But most worryingly, she’s started cutting off her whiskers. She’s always been so proud of her whiskers, she groomed them every day, always got grumpy when I teased her for having a big ol’ mustache. Now anytime they get longer than an inch, she slices them off with her claws and throws them in fireplace, like some kind ceromony.

I’m almost certain Daisy feels guilty for coming out mostly unscathed, when I didn’t. She’s always been a bit protective, even before we joined the police, and she’s saved my life multiple times out in the field, but now she feels like she’s failed me, I think. I’ve tried to convince her that it wasn’t her fault, but that only seems to redouble her efforts. I’m terrified she’s going to burn herself out if she keeps going like this, and I don’t know what to do.

I know this is a pretty heavy question, but I I’m not sure who else to ask. Is there anything I can do to convince her that she doesn’t need to hurt herself like this? Or, something? Just anything to help! Losing my leg was jarring, but losing Daisy would be unbearable!... I just... I just want my best friend to be okay.

I am sorry for what you’ve been through, I cannot begin to understand what it’s like to be in your shoes, but like all recovery, physical or mental, this will take a fair bit of time to get past, you both may never fully return to how things were, but it can get better and you can both return to a full life together with work and dedication.

I’ve certainly seen Pokemon go to extreme lengths after dangerous incidents to protect their loved ones or themselves, in this case it would be wise to assume your pokemons suffering with a hefty bill of PTSD, and needs some actual therapy to handle the feelings and thoughts they’re having. We have facilities to accommodate that if you’re local to Johto, but most Pokemon centres will be able to put you in contact with reliable and certified practices to begin unravelling the issues that now plague Daisy.

That she considers herself to have come away reasonably unscathed is not true, yes your life has physically changed, but she needs to step back and take a look at her life too. Everything’s different now, and more specifically how she’s treating herself and handling her feelings. If that’s not trauma and injury, I don’t know what else it could be. You both came away with damage that day, physical or not. The first step is to help her see that, and to begin to understand that despite this all, you can both continue to move forward together if you can overcome the injury together, it is an event you shared, and you two can aid each others recovery with time and care.

There’s some seriously gifted therapists out there, those who study for years and can help far more than me, they’ll take time to break down the events, and start to really get into the feelings that your partner is going through. The cycle for Daisy right now comes around to self-punishment, and seems to be stuck on a loop. She needs time and space to process her feelings of guilt, grief, fear and loss, facing them instead of burying herself in her rigorous training. While it is difficult to discuss, you two have a strong bond that means you could talk with her. Try to remind her who’s truly responsible, she may be blaming herself, which is pretty common in these situations, but at the root of it, you were doing your routine job, and the bad guys, the Pokemon smugglers and goons are to blame. THEY caused the issue, not her, and while it may not sink in right away it’s worth saying, and sticking to. You said you told her that it wasn’t her fault, which is the gut reaction, perhaps giving her a logical target instead of herself will work better for now. Reiterating the true issue, and taking the heat off of her may help with other tasks such as self care, later down the recovery road.

Her guilt will feel terrible, but it kind of works as a protector, keeping her distanced from the worse, more overwhelming feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. In fact the guilt that masks this all will slowly make things worse over time. That underlying intense emotion below the guilt is what you both need to work through, but more than anything, she needs to face it, in her own time, come to terms with it, and eventually (hopefully) come to an understanding that life is an endless cycle of events, things will happen, but you have to pick yourself up and turn the lemons into lemonade. She could have lost you that day, that you came away with your life is a miracle, and now you two get more time together because of that. Luck isn’t something that runs out, it’s not like there’s only so much of it to go around, it is like wining the lottery. Sometimes 20 people win, other times no one does. It’s hard to accept, but there’s no greater order to stuff that happens, but when we can come to this conclusion, it’s oddly freeing. I’ve seen a fair few Pokemon in a symilar state who can move on when they realise there’s an odd randomness to the world and everything that goes on.

This is a job for someone with far greater skills than I, but you must help her by also looking after yourself, laugh when you can, show her that your life is still very full, and that you have loved ones, and joy to share with others. You mentioned that you’re due a prosthetic, and though the transition will be long and no doubt a little difficult at first, getting yourself back on two feet (kind of) will show her, and your other Pokemon that you’re willing to move forward. I think there’s a lot to be said about talking during this all. She wants to fight, to be strong, if this is how she’s going to cope, fine. If she’s out training, sit with her, spend whatever time you can by her side, as she’s taking this the hardest. You don’t have to say a thing, just try to do your best, without putting yourself in too much discomfort or pain. Reminding her who would be devastated if it had been her who got hurt, if she was not around, may help ground her back in reality a bit. You both got granted a gift that day, you came away alive, if she works so hard she burns out, that gift was wasted. She can use her kindness, and strength to help you, she can pass her knowledge and skill forward, but it’s hard to help others, and do your best if you’re exhausted beyond reason. Kind of like trying to give people bread from a basket but the damn basket is empty yknow? You got to take time to refill so you can help those around you again, so you have some bread to give. I know, probably sounds a little dumb but it’s always been the way I remember it.

Another very useful thing I’ve found with trauma survivors would be meeting others who have been in the same position. There’s plenty of support groups for both people and Pokemon who have been through events that left them in a difficult situation, emotionally and physically. Even here at the lab we have many species who have been left without limbs, with life changing damage, and a lot of them also have the emotional trauma too. She would probably do well to spend time with them, you can send her to a resort to retreat and recoup erase, mix with others who were just as angry as she is now, or you can take time to go with her to groups to interact with others. It’s one thing to have humans help, but it’s a whole other level of connection when Pokemon can help their own. They bond quicker, trust faster, and generally are more open to listening when it’s coming from a place of mutual experience. If she had time to talk to pokemon who actually lost their trainers, or parts of themselves, she may find some peace, even if only temporarily.

Don’t mention the whiskers, and where possible don’t offer her foods she actively likes, but also not ones she actively dislikes. Just for now. Start the ball rolling with just plain simple things that are neither good or bad. Indifferent is better than bad right now, the punishment she’s inflicting on herself will need addressing further, so contact a therapist, they use Rotom or porygon to translate from poke-speech to human language, and the repair can begin with a registered professional. My advice is not sound proof, I certainly feel like I have missed something important, it’s a big response, but it’s a start in the right direction, and should you come up to any further issues, message back and update us with what’s going on. With work you two will be on track to recover. Remember, patience is the biggest thing here, you two have history, and a therapist will no doubt take the sessions as a pair, and work with you to help Daisy feel less guilty over time. I hope you both find peace, and that both of you repair in due time. Good luck with the new leg, a step towards recovery for sure.

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS MORE, BLOOD OFFICIAL VISUAL FANBOOK ー Interview Vol. 2 feat. Nao Nakamura

Source: DIABOLIK LOVERS MORE, BLOOD Official Visual Fanbook

Release date: 2013

Huge thank you to @keithvalentinex​ for providing the raw scans!

SECTION 1: Q&A

Q1. When was the series’ sequel decided on?

A: Around the time the first game ‘DIABOLIK LOVERS’ was released in stores. We were fortunate enough to have already received news of an anime adaption at the time, so at some point we played with the idea of creating a fan disc to go along with it. However, if possible we wanted to hype up the series even more in anticipation of the anime’s release, which is how the production of a  ‘DIABOLIK LOVERS MORE, BLOOD’ series came to realisation.

Q2. Did you plan on introducing a set of 4 new characters during the early phases of development?

A: The initial draft we received from Rejet-sama mentioned four characters. We figured that with that amount, we could pack it into one game and create an equal amount of content as we did for the Sakamaki’s, so we proceeded with said idea. At one of the first brainstorm sessions, we casually dropped the idea of creating a game with 6 Do-M characters... (lol) However, that would stray too far away from the core concept behind ‘DIABOLIK LOVERS’, so it obviously got rejected. (lol)

Q3. How did you go about writing the characters’ dialogue and actions?

A: I believe that the previous installment can be regarded rather groundbreaking within the genre of otome games. However, the boys coming across as too strong to the point where it would prevent someone from delving deeper into their character is something we reflected upon. We wanted to make up for that this time and created this game with the intend of exploring them even further.

Q4. What did you struggle the most with while writing the script?

A: This doesn’t apply solely to the script, but the fact there are so many romanceable characters in this game is what made it so difficult. However, we did not want there to be a difference in quality between the different characters’ routes. Despite our strong wish to please the playerbase, it made the distribution of time very difficult. The writers would first pen down the script, then Rejet-san would do the proofreading and make adjustments and then pass it on to us. However, reading a script while playing a game or simply reading it on paper is still different, so we were making minute changes down to the very last minute of development. We ran through the same process for the last game, but this time around, the total amount of content was just very large. We once again felt the struggle of putting in so many characters to choose from. However, we did this to create an even better game, so it was worth the struggle. 

Q5. Which character caused you the most problems while writing the script?

A: All of the Sakamaki’s. The four Mukami brothers who make their appearance in this installment may be Vampires, but they were once human just like the heroine, so in terms of emotions, they tend to sympathize with her more. As a result, it only makes the Sakamaki’s seem even more like they are the villains of the story. While this may seem obvious given their original setting of being both ‘Vampires’ and ‘extreme sadists’, it makes it very easy for the otome game element as well as the feelings they end up developing for the heroine to be lost, in which case they would no longer be the six brothers we wanted to deliver. Therefore, it was very difficult to convey to the player that the love they harbor for the heroine eventually makes them change, while still preserving the sadistic tendencies which stem from their nature as Vampires at the same time. The player base has spent quite a bit of time interacting with these brothers, and I am sure it was not always easy, but I hope said message was delivered to those who played our game.

Q6. Is there a character who underwent drastic changes compared to the last game?

A: All of them are still the same at the core, so my impression of them did not change depending on the scenario. I believe minor changes were done to the way some of the characters are drawn, but personally I perceive each character as a mix of both their previous and current representation. 

Q7. In this game, each section is divided into a ‘Situation Part’ and ‘Story Part’. Could you explain your intentions behind this?

A: When collecting feedback on the previous game, we received many complaints about the different chapters feeling inconsistent and all over the place. However, we always intended ‘DIABOLIK LOVERS’ to be a game in which the player gets to enjoy these different kind of ‘situations’, so without losing this part of the enjoyment, we figured we had to make the plot progression easier to grasp, which is how the current structure was implementend. To make it even more clear to the player, we divided it into two sections and gave each of them a title, changing the names as well. 

Q8. What are parts which have greatly improved or parts you want us to focus on in comparison to the first game?

A: To ensure the player gets to enjoy the development in the heroine and characters’ thoughts and feelings, we applied small adjustments till the very last second. We hope that the people playing the game will take notice of this as well. 

Q9. Why do you think the series has received such a great amount of support?

A: I believe the impact of the ‘Do-S Vampire’ concept, Satoi-san’s eye-catching illustrations and the charm of the cast who voices the characters all play a big part in this. Furthermore, I also believe that the simultaenous announcement of both drama CDs and a game which took place during the early stages of development had a large influence as well. We were able to make a smooth transition from the release of the CDs to the release of the games, which made it easier for the fans to follow along with the franchise. We truly are grateful for that!

Q10. Were there any ideas you wanted to incorporate in this game, but were unable to do in the end?

A: This game features the same selection segment as the previous one in which scenario’s 1 ~ 6 raise your love meter, while scenarios 7 ~ 10 raise the SM meter. However, we implemented the distinction between the ‘situation part’ and ‘story part’ this time, so it might have actually been even more enjoyable if the situation part raises the SM meter instead...I think. Those kind of features may vary depending on the vision of the director and staff members, so I would like to use this experience to think of various possible routes for future installments, as well as to settle on an end product which is fitting for the franchise. Furthermore, this may seem like a task without an end but I believe that the voicing plays a big factor in delivering the story. It is a vital element of conveying the message you want to tell, in a way that whether or not the player understands the plot is often highly dependent on the voice work. Every time I find myself wanting to perfect this, but it is difficult to supervise all of it just by myself...However, there’s always next time, so I’d love to squeeze in the time to thoroughly check this!

Q11. Do you have any more games planned for the series at present? Would you personally like to create more sequels?

A: We do not as of now, but if there is a strong demand for it, we might just be able to develop another game. Personally I would like to make a stereotypical ‘fandisc’ but the very first thing that comes to mind with those is a 'sweet, romantic story’ so I do struggle a little envisioning how that would play out with a cast made out of nothing but intense characters. 

Q12. Please leave a message for the fans.

A: Thanks to the support we have received from all of you, we were able to create so much content for this franchise. I put my heart and soul into this game, so I sincerely hope that many people will enjoy it. Your impressions and encouraging messages are a great motivator as well, so I am eagerly awaiting those! The series may deliver new installments in the future, and to ensure that you all can continue to enjoy ‘DIABOLIK LOVERS’, we will continue to try our hardest together with Rejet-san, so we’d be happy if you could send us your heartfelt support. 

SECTION 2: THEIR FAVORITE EPISODES

Sakamaki brothers: The final few chapters of Ayato’s route left a strong impression on me. I couldn’t help but wonder if somebody could truly be that stubborn and in denial about their own feelings, insistent on calling the girl they love ‘a prey’ till the very end. I felt so frustrated when the heroine’s feelings just wouldn’t get through to him, tears welled up in my eyes. 

Mukami brothers: The part which gave me the most goosebumps during the development stages has to be Ruki’s Manservant Ending. Takagi Sakurai-san did a magnificant job portraying his silent madness, it was truly wonderful. Second place would be Azusa’s brute ending, even though I knew how the story would go, I still ended up feeling a little depressed by it, so please be careful when you play this scenario...

SECTION 3: NAO NAKAMURA CHOOSES ー SITUATION-DEPENDENT CHARACTER SELECT

Who would you choose in these situations? What’s the developer’s opinion?

S1. To sleep together with?

Best: Subaru, I feel like he has a good sleeping posture.

Worst: Subaru, he might not move around much in his sleep, but it’d still be uncomfortable and narrow in that coffin, huh? 

S2. To go on a trip together with?

Best: Shuu, I’m sure he’d just loaf around the lodge all day, so I get to enjoy the trip in whichever way I want!

Worst: Laito, I’d rather keep my distance from him. 

S3. To eat together with?

Best: Kou because I’m sure he’d happily gobble it up.

Worst: Kanato, I feel like the food would be lacking in nutrients.

S4. To study with?

Best: Ruki, I think he’d do a good job explaining everything accurately.

Worst: ???, honestly all of them...

S5. To go on a date with?

Best: Yuma, I actually think he would make for a great boyfriend.

Worst: Shuu, because everything would be a chore to him...

S6. To play a video game with?

Best: Ayato, he just seems like the type of guy you can always have fun and make some ruckus with.

Worst: Reiji, he seems super fussy.

S7. To play sports with?

Best: Shuu, I don’t really like exercising so...I’ll go with the person who seems unlikely to exercise in the first place.

Worst: Ayato, I don’t like exercise after all...

S8. To go on a drive with?

Best: Ruki, I’m positive he would look handsome behind the wheel.

Worst: Azusa, it’d be bad if his bandages were to get stuck around the steering wheel or the gear stick...

[lilyrachelcassidy]

Summer Nights (2)

A/N: Is that... is that...? The unbridled enthusiasm I’m hearing? Or are you trying to reach me with torches and pitchforks for being so untrustworthy? Assuming the first option.

Anyway -- Yes, as I promised, this is the second part of the Summer Nights which you would hopefully enjoy. Waiting for your feedback. It’s the INDEX if you need a refresher.

ALSO, I give a lot of credit to @drawlfoy and @bored-and-botheredwho helped me with editing this chapter and steamed off my emotional breakdown related to my writing (lmao). I love you so much gals and a big THANK U once more!!!

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: coarse language; alcohol; Narcissa turning into a shitty-mother (lol)

Tags: @war-sword @paradigmax @winnsmills @idkatee@bforbroadway @okaydraco

The next thing Draco knew, he was being woken up with a massive hangover in the snuggly, way-too-comfortable bed by the high-pitched squeal of his mother.

"You, darling, made a lot of trouble for yourself yesterday," Narcissa admonished her son, a glacial cool look on her face. Entering Draco's hotel apartment, she walked over to the window and opened the drapes with one swift movement, splashing an annoyed Draco with light. He groaned, not yet daring to complain due to his mother's livid mood, to say the least.

"You have no idea of what happened yesterday, do you?"

"Yyy-" was the only sound he could make. God, where to the fuck was he? He hadn't been this plastered in forever.

"Of course you don't." Narcissa shook her head and laughed nervously, although she made it plainly obvious there was nothing humorous about the situation. "You blacked out so hard in that sleazy bar there is no way you can recall anything from yesterday. Look at you -- you are squinting at me like I'm the sun!"

Draco nervously ran his finders through his disheveled hair. He was definitely not in the right mind to provoke the conflict. "I left you the note at the reception," he informed her, trying to slickly get out of the unenviable conversation. "Told the receptionist to hand it over."

Contrary to his mother's accusatory ascertainment, he actually had some glimpses of the previous night (or should he say an all-night rave?). There were for sure drinks -- a lot of drinks; a variety of kinds he didn't recognize from the magical world but still guzzled delightfully. The second recollection was dancing --which wasn't his intention, but with some luck of his -- got invited by some hot-looking chicks from across the table. And yes, he definitely remembers the swaying and the rhythmical moving of the hips along with some cheesy muggle vibes mixed with the smell of booze and weed. Maybe he even hooked up with one of the girls? The last thing he recollects before passing out, almost like through a haze, was seeing Narcissa's furious face screaming something incoherent at him. Overall, that's his all night wrapped in one.

"Do you think the mere note 'I will be fine' was going to calm down my shattered nerves? Draco Lucius Malfoy, I swear to our dear ancestors, I did not raise you to act so irresponsibly." She waved the finger at him warningly. “We come from rich history. You are the descendant from a line of successful forefathers who put their effort into building up our reputation. Do you think Lucius would approve of such unrestrained behavior? I’ve been already hearing of letting you be too careless. Is tha-"

"Mother, could we skip the lecture?" Draco snapped angrily, try as he might to suppress it. "I've heard it too many times. All I’m trying to have is a peaceful life. Without the prying eyes of the media and the meddling of my family..."

"And all I’m trying to have is an integrated, happy family to offer you support and love.” Draco opened his mouth to cut her in, but she shushed him with a wave, clearly suggesting 'Don’t even get me started’ meaning. “I’ve been- been trying  to get a job, going through the infelicitous job interviews and looking for a solution to help our household through the post-war crisis. Have you shown any interest in that? Any?"

"But mo-"

"The last thing I want to have on my mind is dealing with your ignorant, boyish transitional stages, and let me tell you -- you do not make it any easier for me," she said without taking a breath. She exhaled slowly and continued, this time forcing a softer tone. "I ask you one thing for this summer. Let it be an enjoyable time without unnecessary conflicts. We have come to the beautiful country as France. Let's make a good thing out of it."

Draco, who was already wide awake by the buzz of adrenaline, looked at her with a serious expression. Scanning her face made him suddenly realize how hard must it have been for her to bear everything, and seeing the bags of tiredness under her beautiful, hazel eyes stopped him from retorting. "Mother, no matter what happens, I'll always support you. Remember that."

Narcissa smiled. “Oh. I know, honey, I know.” This time she lowered her voice by two octaves, slowly sitting at the edge of the bed. “It’s just… people have been gossiping behind our backs lately, partly throwing the blame at us. All I’m trying to do is protect us from those tormentors. But your binge drinking is not making the deadlock any better, and it drives me mad.” She chortled a little bit and patted Draco’s palm. “So, until the rumors die down, all we can do is raise our chins high.” Narcissa ended, her voice encouraging yet plaintive.

The last thing Draco liked is seeing his mother on the verge of emotional exhaustion, like in this moment. He felt an instant surge of sympathy, so he quickly found himself locking Narcissa in the supportive embrace. She responded to the gesture by wrapping her arms around her son’s neck and stroking his cheek delicately with the back of her hand, just like in the old times. Both of them yearningly wished to come back to those years of frivolity.

"I promise I'll try to be better," Draco said with certainty. Seeing Narcissa’s eyes light up in gratefulness and the smiley dimples form on her features, he assured himself it was the right thing to say at that mother-son moment.

“How could I be so lucky to have such a wise boy,” she muttered proudly, kissing Draco at the top of his head. “But perhaps you should not restrain yourself too much during the holiday. I give you the partial alibi per se. Just keep it under control.”

Smiling, Narcissa got up, straightening up her impeccable posture as in the habit of the high-status woman. For the first time in that day, Draco noticed how elegantly she was dressed up: the black, partly lacy dress stopping at the level of her knees; the shiny-white pearl jewelry perfectly matching her entire outfit; dark yet not defiant high-heels; andhair fixed up in the tight bun. In Draco’s opinion, she looked too prim...even for herself.

"Mother, are you heading somewhere?" he asked curiously.

“Well…” she started, blushing. “I’m going to see my old friend in the coffee shop. I haven’t been there for ages, so it’s one of the chances to meet up with them. Hopefully, you are going to take care of yourself for a few days.” 

"Days?" he asked, shocked.

“You didn’t expect me to travel from town to town, did you?” she laughed lightly. “Bordeaux is quite a route to overcome. So I might be settling there for a few nights. Do you mind it, darling?”

Was he positive about the information? Did he mind? Partly yes. He didn’t imagine the prospect of wandering around the alleys of France on his own, especially on the first day of being there. But from the other side, seeing the joy painted on his mother’s face as she told him about the planned get-together made him feel less skeptical. Plus, getting rid of the extreme supervision for a few days wouldn’t be such a disaster as well.

As he calculated now, the ratio about the idea was 90% pro and 10% against.

"Of course not," he said simply, smiling at his mother.

"I knew you would understand." The crease of uncertainty on her forehead disappeared, and she let out a sigh of relief. "Meanwhile... I have already booked you the brunch downstairs but seeing as you are not in the wholesome state, I might order a delive-"

"Don't..." Draco opposed, rising from the bed and throwing the nearest shirt he could find over his head. "I'll come down. Some fresh air may be a cure for a hangover. Oh, and speaking of hangovers -- do you happen to have an anti-hangover potion?"

Narcissa let out a quiet chuckle and clapped her hands, seemingly satisfied with herself. Her tranquil gaze landed on the cupboard. "As a matter of self-preservation, yes, I do. Try searching inside the bedside cabinet."

He thanked her and then they talked with each other a little bit longer until Narcissa took the pocket watch out of her handy purse, noted the time ("Merlin's Beard, I am so tardy! I'm going to be alone on the platform if I stay here a minute longer!), and –a little startled with her inadvertency – hurriedly declared she should get going ("I really should get going Draco!”). Pecking her son twice on the cheeks as a farewell, she rushed towards the door and, for the last time, turned around to blow a brief motherly goodbye kiss. She left in such a hurry that the only sign indicating her presence in the room a few seconds ago was her familiar perfume lingering about in the air.

Draco gathered his clothes, and after half an hour of very difficult preparations while dealing with the consequences of yesterday's actions -- because the potion finally hits after two to three hours -- he found himself in front of the hotel's restaurant. As he walked in, he had to admit the room enchanted him with its lovely atmosphere, which brought back the memories of his first Hogwart's magical feast as an eleven-year-old boy.

With the large windows allowing plenty of light in, the entire space was in the classical style. The whole floor was clad with marble tiles in the white-like color; the walls were purely white and, apparently, someone must have put a lot of effort not to let a single dust spot appear in there; the ceiling was created in the concept of the sky resemblance making an impression of the real clouds hovering over heads. Three enormous chandeliers made a very good fit with carved wooden tables and similarly-looking chairs.

"Sir, would you like to make an order?" The decently looking waitress walked over to his table, with a white apron around her waist and green, deep eyes staring at him. "I'm Laura, by the way. I'll be serving you today."

He nodded, not really paying much attention to her primitive attempts of having a chit-chat. Cursorily glancing at the menu, he decided on having a french bagel with melted cheese and a coffee which was a specialty of the house as was written in the recommendations. The waitress scribbled something sloppily in her notes, smiled briefly, and then strode away.

The restaurant was almost fully emptied, and the only things heard in the background were a heated discussion of the couple beside the table and a composition of french, old songs prepared specifically for the guests.

Draco let out a small sigh of boredom, thinking yet again about the scenery of today. The only ideas that crossed his mind were either lounging in his stuffy hotel room or finding another hang-out spot to drown his sorrows.

After the War, he had found out it was pretty easier not to give in to any of the memories, blurring them out with the support of Scotch as a coping mechanism. Pansy and Daphne, his childhood friends, had tried to talk him out of it, kindly offering some tenderness and a chance for a conversation. But he had eventually stopped caring about any of that bullshit anymore.

That's why perhaps he'd just--

"Hi!" said a cheerful voice behind him, making him jump slightly at his seat with surprise. At first, he thought it was a mistake; that he must have been deemed as someone else considering he didn't know anyone around, so was in the opposite way. Turning around, however, made him realize it wasn't entirely the truth. "Do you remember me?"

"Hello." Of course, he remembered her. It was the receptionist from the previous day, whose name he didn't bother to memorize. Although he planned on avoiding potential candidates for a talk today, he said truthfully, "Yes, I do. You work here, right?"

"Yeah," she confirmed, smiling. "Can I join?"

For a moment, his sluggish brain did not process what she was asking about, and that made him frown. The girl probably comprehended what it was about because she explained, reading his confused expression. "...the table".

"Oh," he said, feeling more than embarrassed for his dumb reaction. "Yeah, help yourself."

"Thanks," she mumbled, pulling out the chair to make some room for herself. "Tough night, huh?"

The inquiry made him suddenly realize she must have witnessed the whole scene yesterday -- him asking her for a favor, Narcissa drilling her out for any clues about his disappearance, his arrogant attitude, and scurrility as he spoke to her. For sure, if she were smart enough, she would deduce what the situation was about.

He couldn't help it, but a wave of shame pierced through his body, and his stomach rolled slightly.

"A little," he answered minimizing a dimension of the spree, almost like a lie, and then he shook his head. "Listen, sorry about yesterday. I might have been...rude."

A small smile of courtesy formed on her lips. "I presumed you were a little off. Happens..." she said tentatively, gripping both of her hands together. "Oh, and about yesterday -- you lost this at the lobby." She took his wand out, and Draco's stomach made a second roll, the heartbeat hastening like a speed of light. He quickly tried to bring his face to the natural expression, but the girl had noticed that, and curiosity filled her eyes. "I thought I should give that back. In case it was valuable or something."

Fucking great... How was he supposed to elucidate that?

His throat felt so dry he couldn't let out a word of excuse. The moment was so mortifying to him he just reached for the familiar wand and nodded politely in gratefulness.

"Mhm..." Draco hummed, barely audible and momentarily deflated. "It's just... Something I've been training with..."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean, dolt?!

"Oh," the girl unconsciously flipped her hair off the shoulders, probably trying to make sense of the information. Furrowing her brows, she put her hand under the chin. "Are you a magician?"

"Kind of..." he agreed, not happy about the reputation he had just created for himself, but at the same time satisfied he didn't have to make up more explanations.

Luckily for Draco, the uncomfortable pause was rescued by the arrival of the food -- thank Merlin -- and even though he hadn't been hungry at all, now he felt an unexpected appetite to eat up the awkwardness. The girl probably caught a hint it was about time to end an encounter because she grunted.

"Listen," the girl started, clearing her throat yet again. "I better get going. But..."

The next thing Draco knew was that she was reaching to her pocket again, this time taking out something similar to a quill, only without ink. He assumed it must some kind of muggle invention, only a mechanical-like version. The girl uncorked it and suggestively drew out her hand, clearly signifying he should bring his hand closer as well. He obediently did.

"France is a big city," she said, glancing at him and sounding serious. "If you ever needed someone to show you around, let me know."

Without any preamble, her soft, delicate fingers grasped his forearm (he made sure to give her the right one), and with a few scrawls on his skin, she looked at him merrily, blushing slightly, and then left a table.

He stared after her for a while, looking at her curls bouncing behind her back as she walked away at a slow, monotonic pace. After a few seconds, she disappeared out of his sight, letting him finally peek at the note she had left:

'Call me, Y/N,' and a nine-digit number attached.

XOXOXO

A/N: I know this part might have contained too little Draco x Reader momento, but I promise it’ll get better as a plot develops. Also -- is it only my impression, or is Narcissa as changeable as the weather in Germany lol.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

"Life" Update - May 2021

This is the last of the three updates I have to post at the moment. If anyone actually reads these, especially in one go, you really do deserve a medal and I have no idea what I have done to deserve your kindness and support but THANK YOU SO MUCH (to all of you who are here, you are all truly wonderful and amazing) Okay, let's get going....

I suppose the title is a bit, well, overkill. To say that anyone has been had any sort of "life" over the past year would be a huge misuse of the word. The global pandemic has, quite literally, turned life upside down for the vast majority of people and I know that lockdowns, especially in the UK, have meant that anything other than what was deemed "essential" has been off the cards, which has hit us all hard.

I personally found it quite difficult whilst I was in hospital as although on the one hand it was good to know that there wasn't much that you were missing out on whilst locked on a ward with 15 minutes fresh air (if you were lucky), it did make it hard to find/hold onto motivation at times. Coupled with the fear of how my dad's condition would progress, whether he would make it and what sort of home life I would be going back to; the world suddenly felt even noisier than it had before (which I didn't think was really possible). The situation seemed to further heighten my fears as well as add to them. I found my mind was swamped with so many questions and fears, to then be asked about my future/what I wanted to do with my life (that classic question) and what my motivations were to get better, was too much. I fell blank.

I had completely lost myself and any shed of hope that was left inside of me. I tried to put on a smile; paint a different picture to the outside world but inside I was dark. I was hollow. I was empty.

What was the point? You never know what is waiting around the corner; everything can turn upside down overnight. What kind of 'life' would there be going back to anyway? Would it be possible to go to University anymore or would there still be multiple restrictions in place? would that make the huge financial costs worth it? What sort of society will we be coming out of the pandemic anyway? Will we even come out of this? Will people ever go back to offices again? Will we be able to see friends soon or go out to places? What about travelling? Fun? LIFE?

I found depression swamped me more than ever after dad's accident. I was trying to hold myself together for mum but I was losing all hope of anything ever being 'the same' or 'okay' again. In the end, the only reason I accepted the admission was for mum - I wanted to be able to support her with dad in hospital and us not know what the future held; as much as I wished I could be there all the time, I knew in the state I was that I couldn't. Initially I was told the admission would be a short one, that I could then go back home to support my mum through the family trauma...but that 4 weeks soon turned into over 8 months, which I still can't believe.

Gosh, I am sorry, I seem to have got a little distracted. This was meant to be the POSITIVE update. So let's get to those bits...

NEWS ONE: I HAVE A JOB (starting in Sept)

So whilst in hospital my consultant kept trying to get me to think about what I wanted to do with my life (just the small questions you know *lol*) - in her eyes she thought it would be risky to go back to University to do neuroscience/a degree so intense, and that instead I should think about doing something more creative, taking small steps to get a part time job and then go from there - which, as much as I hated to admit, I agreed with. However after one particularly bad run-in with the nutritionist when she decided to tell me that she didn't think I could achieve a life beyond Anorexia (it must have been mid-way-ish through my admission) blah blah blah (I get that she could have been trying to motivate me but there is a way to go about it and then there are ways to really not go about it and she chose the latter). Anyway, I was rather angry/mad and ended up doing basically trying to prove everyone wrong and started doing some research into my different options...

Long story short: I ended up applying to a degree apprenticeship scheme in business management...I've never really considered something like this before, perhaps partially because at school they drilled into me that business was a "soft" subject as it would not be looked upon very highly for Oxbridge applications *rolls eyes*. Thankfully I did a lot of research into Degree Apprenticeships a few years ago so I knew where to look online. Anyway, back to this application. I ended up going through the process/tests, somehow managing to make it through the initial online stages, then just before I was discharged I was invited to a online interview!

I only had a few days to do the interview before it timed out so I actually ended up doing it In the end the day after I was discharged (not ideal) and I was convinced that I had messed it up as it was one of those ones where you get shown the question for around 30 seconds before being given 2 minutes to respond - i.e. stress.pressure.anxiety.stumbling over words. HORRENDOUS.

I somehow passed the interview and the reviews before being invited to an online assessment centre in Feb, which spanned a whole day and included multiple interviews (the first was a strengths based interview with 2 interviewers for just over an hour - yuck!!!) as well as a presentation which we were given 24hrs in advance to prepare for (we were given 4 'topics'/questions and had to answer all of them in a 15 minute window using aids if we chose to, again to 2 (different) interviewers before having a 45 minute further interview - double yuck!)

Dare I say that I actually enjoyed the preparation for the presentation and the interviews?! It was so nice to have a focus and something to be working on that I was actually really beginning to connect with/want/see myself doing. The interviews and presentation themselves? HORRIBLE but the process reignited something within me. After the assessment centre day we were told it could be 7-10 working days to hear back from them - waiting for anything like this is just the worst so I wasn't looking forward to it and tried not to get my hopes up as these schemes are ridiculously hard to get into... Well, I got the call the next day saying that they were so impressed and out of something like 14,000 applications, I was offered one of the spaces on the scheme!! - I honestly still can't believe it and imposter syndrome is v real -

I know at the beginning of this I sounded very blase about the whole thing but as I progressed through the process, as I read more about the scheme and the business and what it would entail, the more I began to get excited. The more I realised how interesting it was and what an amazing opportunity it would be for me.

Despite this, I was also at the time, finishing up yet another an application to University (for the millionth time, I swear I must be a pro at these personal statements by now) this time for psychology and behavioural studies. This was before I got the offer of the degree apprenticeship scheme, which I knew was a long shot with only a handful of places given for thousands of applicants, so I felt I had to keep my options open (Neuro is still an area of fascination to me but not so much with the INTENSE LEVEL of physiology and pharmacology that I was doing at Bristol. Yes bits of it were good and interesting but that degree was ridiculous and, again, I felt far more drawn towards the behavioural studies and psychology when researching into Universities). I ended up getting 3 offers, 1 interview for Cambridge and 1 rejection (ironically from Bristol, even with my recommendation/support being from my previous personal tutor at Bristol!) - so I suddenly had options. And then the offer from the degree apprenticeship came through and there were even more options to choose from.

It honestly felt so surreal (and still does).

In the end, after a lot of thinking and debating and researching and talking, I decided to withdraw my University application and I accepted the degree apprenticeship role. Overall it is such an incredible opportunity that I knew I couldn't turn down, whereas University will always be there. I am actually getting a little excited about it (as well as extremely nervous, but I must say that the company has made a really positive/good impression thus far, even as far as creating MH podcasts with a psychologist for us and offering things like zoom baking sessions!).

So what is this degree apprenticeship? In short, it is a 3 year course during which I will have a Monday to Friday job at the company (for which the office is actually commutable from home - it is about 1hrs drive, which is not the best but it does mean that I can stay at home for at least the first year and there is a train I could get if I was too tired to do the drive all the time. As much as staying at home is not my long term plan it might help with the transition back to work/education to have a bit of stability and the support). During the first 2 years at the company we do four separate 6 month rotations in different areas to get lots of experience (marketing, supply chain, sales etc) whilst in the final year you get to put in a preference for where you would like to work for the year long placement. During this, every 6 or 7 weeks, we have to spend a week at University (which is not in commutable distance at all so the the company pays for our accommodation, travel and food during this time). As far as I have been told, we also get time during the working week allocated to do Uni work as well as our standard 'desk' jobs. Oh and not to mention one of the biggest sellers for degree apprenticeships....the company is basically sponsoring you so pays ALL of your tuition fees PLUS a basic salary! This means that you come out, in this case, with a Chartered business management degree, 3 years of hands-on work experience, as well as you being pretty much guaranteed a job within the company AND no student debt!!! How incredible is that? PLUS one big perk of the job is that they allow dogs in the office - I mean how could I say no to that?!!!!

So yes, by some magical miracle I actually have a job lined up for September! It still doesn't feel real and I am yet to fully process it. They don't know how it will be affected by COVID but the company did continue the programme last year (unlike some that postponed) so fingers crossed all should be going ahead. I have 'met' the other 4(?) who are on the scheme at my office as well and they seem lovely (including one other person who is my age/slightly older - which was such a relief as I was worried about it being only people just out of college).

I realise that it is going to be tough, I do not underestimate that at all, but I couldn't let anorexia still yet ANOTHER life milestone and opportunity away from me. There was a lot of questioning as to whether I should take it or not; I went back and forth between many spreadsheets that I made but I think this opportunity far outweighs going back to University. I have tried that route twice already and had to leave because of everything/haven't really coped (I think in some ways, being at Uni there is TOO MUCH free time and it allowed my perfectionism to run riot as I always felt like I was 'behind' in one way or another?). And that is not to mention that if I was going back to University, I would need to spend another 3-4 years studying, I would leave with little work experience or job in mind at the age of 29/30 with a mountain of debt.... And as I said before, I can always go back to University if I want to in the future/re train if I decide to, but this opportunity with a global company, well, this will never ever come my way again.

So yes that is my BIG BIG news. But I also have one more bit of news....

I'm getting a kitten. Yes, A KITTEN!!!!! I have so much more to say on this but for now you will have to wait and see. Photos will come when SHE does (a couple of weeks now)!!!

[avvocarlo]

my work is giving me the absolute shits at the moment. I genuinely want to be able to work, except the problem is they're doing it in the most irritating way possible. I've been saying No near on 95 % of the time because it'll be one or more of the following: asking at 9 pm tonight if I can be somewhere tomorrow for 8 am - 3 pm, only a day or so notice, a few hours prior to the shift - this is including sleepovers - somewhere I haven't been to before on that very day, asking me to do back to back shifts while I was already on shift or soon after finishing, offering only a few days in advance to do a 24 hour shift at a place that's over 50 km away. also keep in mind that this is unpredictable work, I genuinely could get a knife in the neck one day for all I know

like no I'm not going to accept these anymore. I was going completely mental for all those months I had long weeks that were at times an upward of 60-70 hours, sleeping in a house that wasn't my own, doing stressful work in a multitude of locations, frequent texts and calls from multiple people (org rostering, coordinators, supervisors, agency staff) every single day demanding that we remove, add, or alter shifts by location, hours etc. that then culminated into some insanely stressful shifts that were utterly cooked by a horrific level of mismanagement. to mention these events in detail would be a whole post by itself I'm sure.

not too long ago they caught on to me that I was essentially burnt out, I told them the last minute shift offers were significantly bothering myself and my partner, they seemingly listened. I'm not sure if my regular coordinator is gone, but that had soon been disregarded. they probably believe I'm difficult or possibly lazy, but their logistical and organisational skills are so mind blowingly incompetent that it will inevitably beget this kind of outcome. what do you expect to happen?

I'm agency at the moment, and we're in the process of moving me somewhere else organisation-wise that will provide consistency, except idk man... I'm feeling incredibly jaded by the whole situation, there was a period I wanted to leave my agency and transition over to the organisation I'm still at, the organisation then seemed to take it upon themselves to use this as a way of pushing my boundaries. increased calls, ridiculous expectations, etc etc.

some people might argue that's to test my worth! that I needed to stick it out! why? what to blindly follow the promise of dangling keys above me like some kind of chump? come on man, there's no way I'm going to fall for that, nor am I going to be some performing bitchboy who puts up with that type of behaviour. I've been called a great worker by my agency/organisation, except it's increasingly difficult to even tell how genuine they are. it does seem like a lot of smoke and mirrors, truly. if I'm so great then why did you treat me that way? I'm better than that, I suppose if I wasn't an asset in their mind they wouldn't be fighting to keep me within the agency + organisation. which again, I don't overly trust. they seem to believe I can't catch on to how facetious many aspects of this industry are. Self Care, Therapeutic Responses, oh did you do this? Ahhh always follow the planner! Be the Gestapo for the love of god, except don't. you know what I mean?

anyway, feeling pretty frustrated about this situation. having time away (as you can all tell by the increased posting over the last month) certainly helped me realise what was important and how I truly felt, unfortunately that only helps me by personal perspective rather than an actual subsequent change with financial compensation, job security, or career pathways... hopefully things will be on the up soon? a sense of structure is extremely important to me

[madi2112]

The next step

I have been trying to find an alternate platform to connect with people beyond this Blogairy.

Not that this Blogairy is so extremely popular that it screams out for more exposure.

On the contrary. I have purposely kept the hashtags and things off of this to keep it low key.

It was always just something I did to vent, to get my feelings down and if others found it interesting then great, all are welcome here.

But things have shifted a bit lately.

Partly because of the -yet to even air- television show I'm part of. Partly because I'm getting a steady string of private messages from people commenting on my posts or asking questions.

Some though have thanked me for my honesty, openness and inspiring story.

Which leaves me honored, humbled, shocked and somewhat taken aback.

I have struggled with the decision on weather or not to expand (or at least attempt to expand) the reach of my blogairy.

I tried podcasting having taken inspiration from the wonderful Sigrid Dufreimont, but until I get my voice better trained I don't really like what I'm hearing.

I may dedicate a better effort to podcasting sometime in the future as it allows a much more expressive way to communicate.

Someone also suggest I get on TikTok. The videos are short, the making of them simple and there is already a thriving "community" presence on there.

Not knowing anything about TikTok other then the name I will have to investigate further.

I do have a perfect medium that will allow me to express myself better, tell my story better and hopefully inspire others that may be in similar circumstances as I am.

But more on that soon.

One recent event though has really gotten the gears in my head turning faster concerning my visibility and how I can use it better.

I had completed a tour of the Magic Kingdom with one of my favorite co-facilitators, Darlene, for a group of 40 new Castmembers when one of them waited behind to speak with me after everyone else had left.

They were noticeably nervous, shy and tentative while speaking with me.

They first thanked me repeatedly for a fun, informative and interesting tour. Which is always nice to hear.

But I could tell they wanted to say more.

So I lead them over to a quiet corner of the conference room where the final parts of the tour had concluded.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Are, are are you trans? They stuttered.

I replied as I usually do with "Yes. Although I don't advertise it. I'll never deny it"

" I am too" they said sheepishly.

I thanked them for trusting me enough to share that information with me and asked if they had any questions or needed my help with anything.

They said they really wanted to try to transition on the job but were so scared it wouldn't be possable and that Disney might not allow it or make it difficult to do. They also had no idea of who to talk to about it or even that there were other trans people working here!

I assured them I would answer everything I could and if they asked me something I didn't know I would get an answer for them.

After talking for a little while longer and addressing the questions they had, I gave them my work email and asked them to send me messages anytime about anything.

It was a great interaction and I was so happy I could help.

But it was their parting comment that moved me to tears.

"I didn't think it would be possable to be the real me at work, but seeing you here. Doing this [leading the tour] not only tells me it can be done but tells me I can do it too"

How I managed to keep the tears at bay until they walked away. I don't know, but I did.

But as soon as they were gone the waterworks were in full force.

To think that me, just doing the job that I enjoy, made a difference in this person's life. It made me think deeply about what I can do to help as many people in similar situations as I can.

So to help more people you have to reach more people and be more visible.

A task I feel I'm ready for.

Finally.

~Madison

[emerald-studies]

Diverse Perspectives | Discussion 3

I sent some questions to @jasperwhitcock​ for her perspective as a POC woman and daughter of an immigrant.

[ It is required to participate and watch/read these discussions, in order to follow me. Participate or get tf out. We aren’t performative in my lil’ area on Tumblr.

This discussion isn’t representative of an entire population or meant to be super professional. It’s to share different perspectives and also is an opportunity for me to practice what I preach: intersectionality. If you’d like to participate in this series please send me a pm or an ask and I’ll get back to you ASAP. We can do a written, audio, or video interview.]

As a mixed person, do you feel isolated from your community?

J: If you mean community as in the community I currently live in, I’m fortunate enough to live in a very diverse place. Surrounding the city of Houston, there’s a lot of prejudice integrated into a lot of the suburban neighborhoods, but in terms of the city itself, I think the POC communities really uplift and support each other. I’m a concert photographer when there’s not a pandemic, and I’ve always appreciated the way latinos and black artists are respected in the indie community. Houston’s a very rap/hip hop/R&B city, so black artists are especially celebrated. There’s also great latinx bands that I know, latinx venue owners/employees, and latinx brands connected to the indie community. We’re very well represented in this area.

If you mean community as in the latinx community, I wouldn’t say isolated, but depending on the day, I might say that I can feel distanced at times. This isn’t particularly due to the latinx community itself, so much as it may be a distance that I create in my head. As a mixed person, I think there are times where you can feel confused on where you belong. I’ve brought up the quote before from the Selena movie, where Selena’s father Abraham is speaking on the potential difficulty of Selena being accepted in Mexico because of the fact she is Mexican American: “We have to be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans, both at the same time! It's exhausting!” It can be difficult at times to navigate your sense of belonging when you are in between two cultures because you want to recognize that you may have privileges someone of full Mexican descent may not have, but at the same time, your life is still very much defined by being Mexican and having Mexican blood while living in America too. You’re definitely not absolved from having latin experiences. Latina stand up comedian Anjelah Johnson made a joke in her stand up about there being a Latinx hierarchy. She said that Spanish speaking latinos are better than the rest of us who are not fluent in Spanish (such as herself), and it was funny because sometimes you do feel that that can be true. My tías will always ask me why I’m not fluent in Spanish, and my mom will be like “yeah, why don’t you?” and I’m always like… because y’all didn’t teach me! My parents speak Spanish to each other at home. My father is not only fluent in Spanish, but his Spanish is oftentimes superior to a lot of Spanish speakers according to my mom and my tíos. He used to teach English in Mexico, so there is no reason that my sister and I shouldn’t have been perfectly bilingual. The reason they didn’t teach us as children is because they didn’t want us to be speaking Spanglish. (Spoiler: it happened anyways). Around white people, I definitely feel that I am not a white person. I feel very much latina in a group of white people. But then around latin people, I sometimes feel white enough to feel a sense of shyness. I definitely feel more at home with latinx people, but overall in both groups, I definitely feel that I am mixed.

It doesn’t happen often, because I think although the majority of latinx people have pride in their background, the hyperawareness of our identities right now is relatively new, but there have been instances of latinx gatekeeping the latin identity. Growing up, I didn’t think about what I was labelled as or think about how my family structure is different to other families. I didn’t consider how in some areas, it is an abnormality to have an immigrant parent or a parent with an accent. I definitely noticed that my family was different, but I didn’t understand why until much later. My mom, her sisters and brothers, and my primos… They don’t live their lives with the awareness of being defined as Mexican immigrants. Of course, they again have pride in where they came from. They live as Mexicans and engage in Mexican culture, but overall, the way the youth today has really grasped onto the labelling of our identity is kind of a new thing. There are some young latinx people who do try to quantify and measure whether or not your experience is valid. I know it comes from a place of protectiveness of their own experience, but it’s ridiculous to gate keep because something that really characterizes latin culture is our warmth, our sense of family, our willingness to embrace other people as part of that. If you’re of latin american descent, you have a place in the latinx community.

Since your parents don’t have college degrees, do you believe college is important and/or necessary?

J: I think it depends! I think a lot of immigrant parents really push for their children to get a college education because they see that as opportunity, particularly when they did not earn college degrees themselves. I think college can be important depending on what you want to accomplish, but I also think it’s not completely necessary. For my career path as a photographer/videographer, I chose not to do college. I do think I would have enjoyed college because I like learning, but because it was something unnecessary for my job, I couldn’t justify the time invested or putting my parents into a difficult financial situation. Especially because my college education would have overlapped with my sister, and I saw how difficult it was to juggle handling my sister’s student loans. For my sister’s career path (she is studying to be a nutritionist/therapist to help teenagers with eating disorders), college was necessary.

Your Mom has been stuck in the US, unable to return to Mexico for awhile, has your Mom’s experience with immigration changed your views in some way?

J: As context, my father lived in Mexico for a decade and married my mom in Mexicali. They hadn’t planned to move to the United States, but when they came to the US to marry here so that she could have citizenship and be able to visit his family, there were complications that made it to where she couldn’t leave the country. Luckily, the time she was unexpectedly stuck in the United States didn’t last super long! Long enough to become comfortable enough to decide to settle down in California, but we have been able to travel to Mexico often. I think it really highlights how unnecessarily complicated a lot of the processes regarding immigration are. The people in the country who are very malicious about undocumented immigrants love to jump to saying, “well, why can’t they just become an American citizen?” when the reality is that every process in place has a lot of complications. Not everyone has access to the resources to be able to make these transitions happen smoothly. Also, the time it takes to acquire your visa is not an overnight thing. People severely underestimate the difficulty involved.

What do you think about the “hard-working immigrant” stereotype?

J: I hate the idea that immigrants work hard because they’re low-skilled, but I do love that there is a lot of pride in how motivated immigrants are. It’s always been a ridiculous claim that immigrants are taking American jobs. Immigrants work the jobs that the majority of Americans have no interest in doing, especially the people that make this complaint. For a country that prides itself on working to make your dreams come true, Americans neglect to recognize that immigrants have a drive that most Americans don’t have.

Which parent do you feel more connected to? Your Mother who’s an immigrant or your Father who was born in America?

J: I really do feel that I am a coalescence of both my parents, so I think I feel equally connected to each of them. I feel a very strong emotional connection and concern for my dad because his mental health suffers a lot. His mother had bipolar depression at a time where mental health was even more stigmatized, and she endured a lot of ridiculous, merciless treatments that are no longer utilized today. When he was nine years old, his mom committed suicide, and this was an event that really defined his life forever. I think that kind of heaviness passes down through your family. When my dad is not doing well, I feel really imbalanced and emotionally impacted even if I’m not home to witness it. It’s kind of like that idea of an invisible string tethering you to someone, and it’s a weight that I carry always. However, overall, he’s a very positive person. When he is going through his kind of manic highs, he’s a lot more of what I recognize of who my dad is. He’s creative, a musician, and deeply caring for other people. His mother’s death has empowered him to really try to make a difference and “paint a picture of a better tomorrow.” I’m a lot like my dad in personality, but in disposition, I’m so much like my mom. She’s tough and outspoken at home, but in public, it takes awhile for her to open up. My mom’s very selfless, kind, and very much shy and quiet. She definitely exemplifies a lot of the sacrifice that you see many immigrants make. I do like both sides of my family, but I definitely feel more at home with the Mexican side. My dad’s side is loud, vivacious, and very much funny, but I feel extremely shy around them. My sister and I have always felt a tiny bit left out. I think they’d be hurt to know we feel this way, but I definitely don’t think they do anything to intentionally enforce this division. But I think it developed because there is a bit of a cultural disconnect between my aunts and my mom. It’s also very interesting to me that when they first met my mom, my mom didn’t speak any English. It’s fascinating to consider how it might change your perception of someone to go from not being able to communicate with them to watching them learn your language. My mom enjoys the time that we do spend with my dad’s family, but she’s kind of the odd one out in that her humor isn’t the same and her experiences are so different. I think that my dad’s sister and brother’s families were able to connect in a stronger way, so sometimes my mom, my sister, and I feel just a little isolated. In those moments, I feel the most aware of my Mexican background. With my mom’s side of the family, it’s a lot more comfortable. My dad’s able to develop his humor in a way that translates well into Spanish, so he fits in very easily.

You’ve lived in a “Blue/more liberal” state and a “Red/more conservative” state, which state has affected you more?

J: Definitely the red state. Seeing how intensely and ridiculously conservative some southern people are has really radicalized me in a way. I feel overwhelmingly liberal because there’s a defensiveness that develops when you’re in a space like this where you have this intense disbelief that people hold the ideas that they do. Especially because in Texas, black and latinx culture is a major contributor to southern culture. There’s a lot to be said about how black culture shapes the south, but because I’m latina, I’m focusing on latinx culture with this question. White conservatives want our food, they want our work, but they don’t want us. I don’t understand how anyone can be all #TacoTuesday one day, and then the next, be anti-immigrant. If you really want Mexicans out of your country, then maybe you should start living your life without any Mexican influence. Stop eating Mexican food. Clean your own pool and mow your own lawn. It’s ignorant to speak down on immigrants when their life would be so altered to be rid of immigrants. They rely on immigrants. Their lives are shaped by immigrants and built by immigrants.

(I had to chime in here: )

 Are you proud of your parents?

J: Absolutely. As a young teenager, I had a lot of problems with my parents. I think I still have issues I’m working through as a result, but now that I’m older, I really do feel a deep sense of admiration and respect for them. Growing up really makes you view your parents differently and understand them as people rather than just as parents. I held onto a lot of anger and resentment, but I’ve come to truly see how they really did do their best. They’ve worked very hard, and I think not having everything that kids around me did really helped me grow into a more grateful person.

Have you faced discrimination for your race?

J: Of course, but in all honesty, it really rolls off my back. I think hate that is personally directed at me doesn’t bother me, but the discrimination that does affect me is anything directed or related to my mom. I remember my parents had a customer who made a really ugly complaint to my father about my mom’s english. My mom essentially handles most of the written communication with their business, and she still speaks and types in broken english often. The majority of my parents’ clients are latinx, so it’s typically not an issue, but it’s unbelievably offensive and ridiculous the assumptions people will make about your intelligence based on your english. The customer had no idea that the woman she’d been communicating with was my father’s wife rather than just an employee. It’s really sad how someone can see someone as unworthy of respect until they’re tied to a white man, and then they’re suddenly apologetic. This is another extremely mild example, but I’ll get a few laughs when I mispronounce something or don’t know how to say certain words. People always find it funny as though it’s embarrassing –– and it definitely can be –– but people forget I learned english from a woman who speaks two languages.

As the child of an immigrant, how has the anti immigrant talking point affected your mental health?

J: I think the toll the anti-immigrant bias in the United States has on immigrant children is a relevant conversation to have, but I think I’m very lucky in that I feel very tough in the face of that ignorance (which is not to say anyone whose mental health suffers as a result is not tough!) If anything, I feel pity for the people who are so hateful that they see other human beings in such a derogatory and entitled way. Similar to what I said before, my outrage really comes from a place of defensiveness for others. The talking point doesn’t hurt me, but it hurts me that people can speak about my family and my community the way they do. It hurts me that there are other immigrant children who have to work as hard as their parents to make their sacrifices worth it, and people are so insensitive as to not respect that. I’m pretty strong, but it does break my heart when my people are disrespected. If someone were to say something to me, that’s fine, but if i saw someone mistreating a little mexican lady in the store… I may be 5’3 but that don’t mean I won’t come for your ass. Okay, in all honesty, I’m really not a violent person. I’m more of a rise above kind of person because the hate someone has in their heart is not worth our time, but some people do need a chancla thrown at them to learn some respect.

In your opinion, in what ways does the Latinx community need more support?

J: I think because the latinx community is so much so composed of hard workers, people really need to support latin businesses more. That’s a direct way to impact latin lives. There’s an abundance of latin small business owners in every category. So many white kids love going to Cozumel for Spring Break and love wearing sombreros on Cinco De Mayo, but then the rest of the year, they have no care or respect for the authentic culture. For every dollar a white man makes, hispanic women still make statistically less than white women, asian women, black women, and native women. We gotta back up these businesses. Choose local taco shops or restaurants over chains. Choose online shops and Mexican boutiques over fast fashion. And this applies to everybody. We can always support black business or asian businesses over large competitors. It really does make an impact. I also think a lot of latinx children need access to better mental health resources. I’m lucky in that because my father struggles with mental health issues, mental health in my family wasn’t exactly a taboo, but in a lot of latin families, mental health is something that is hard for older parents to validate. Latin children need those resources. A simple google search of “latin mental health resources,” bring up a bunch of organizations that you can support. I think every POC community needs to be boosted right now because although we’ve been under attack, conversations about minority communities are being had by white people right now. We have their attention, and we do need their support to enact change because they have the power as the oppressor. We need to be going to bat protecting black people right now because of the insane damage the community has been enduring at the hands of police, and we need to be protecting immigrant children from what’s happening to them at the border. I know the election is extremely controversial right now, but I would urge anyone who has the ability to vote to really consider the importance of doing so. People love to be cynical about how our votes don’t matter, and I understand that cynicism, but a lot of immigrants don’t have the luxury of voting when the results of the election will directly impact their lives. I hate that there is no option of a president that will perfectly support POC communities, but there are options whose party is far more aligned with supporting and protecting POC communities than Trump is. Trump spews hate and fuels racism and prejudice. He calls Mexicans rapists and black protestors thugs. He encourages the blaming of the coronavirus on the asians in our country. He does not need any help winning the election. We need to get this hateful man out, and I strongly encourage anyone who can vote to do so.

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Let’s have a discussion! Did you learn anything new from this conversation?

Let me know here.

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To close out each post, I’d like to write a lil’ paragraph about the person I talk with:

I’m so lucky to have you as a friend darling. You always bring a smile to my face when we chat. You’re funny and so smart. I admire you deeply for being able to share your perspective in a clear way. Thank you for putting up with my 2 am messages lol 🖤🖤🖤🖤Your continued support makes me feel safe and very, very, loved. I hope I encourage the same feeling with you. 

You’re the best babe,

-Faithxx