#but they've also had a really tough life and I'm one of their few friends left & I see a lot of myself in them

[animalisticallytimorous]

A dumb first-world-problems ramble from an exhausted autistic chick

I know I don't normally make original posts on Tumblr much, but I just need to vent somewhere I can't be followed. The individual in question doesn't have a Tumblr, as far as I'm aware. I feel like an ass about vague-posting, but my patience has been running thin for a while now. And they're not really a bad person, but I can't exactly confront them about this without things escalating into a fight. And I know this is my general account & not my new 14-exclusive account, but I just need to release some steam.

You ever get those moods where, in spite of your best efforts to tune people out & ignore the bullshit, it can be really hard to keep loving your special interests/hyperfixations? Like, it's one thing when it's coming from random strangers you don't know on the internet. But it's another thing entirely when it's coming from the people you consider close friends.

Specifics under the cut, because it's a doozy:

Shit like this has happened to me before. That's how I fell out of love with old hyperfixations like Steam-Powered Giraffe & the Gregory Horror Show, & even Pokemon for a bit before the siren songs of ScarVi & Legends: Arceus lured me back in. People I considered close teasing me about super niche stuff (in regards to the former two) & saying my taste was garbage or that I was a sheep & a shill (the latter.) And you'd think that, "Huh, maybe if I happen to hyperfixate on something mainstream, I won't run into this issue again, huh?"

Well, imagine finding someone in FFXIV to geek out over some of the more obscure & niche questlines with. Of course, I adore the MSQ! If I didn't, I wouldn't be playing this game!

But it is BEYOND frustrating for me to want to be able to enjoy this game while simultaneously acknowledging its flaws & areas it needs to grow without constantly having the mainstream parts of this thing that I love being trashed by this person I befriended.

My mainstream favs being constantly misinterpreted & treated like garbage? The favs of my other friends getting this same treatment? Having the AUDACITY to try & defend them only to be met with such (paraphrased) lines like, "Then perhaps it's just due to JRPGs being so dogshit at writing. Padding out their stories with such convoluted, needless fluff that means either I'm too stupid to understand or I can see right through the bullshit they're trying to hide through their tangled mess." Surgically nitpicking other Final Fantasy properties I bring up out of my excitement for a Gilgamesh cameo while also bashing Keith Szarabajka's voice work because he isn't the guy who voiced him in ARR? Constantly assuming the worst out of all the writers/localizers & even wishing them IRL harm for doing something with the writing you don't like? Demonizing Naoki Yoshida like he's a monolith responsible for personally slighting you every time you don't like something in the story? Hell, they've stated on numerous occasions how much they outright LOATHE the MSQ and all the main characters! Only the side characters seem to escape their ire.

Half of the time, I can't even talk with this person about the niche things we both share without them inevitably bringing up something to complain about. And I just keep telling myself to not engage, ignore it, & walk away.

But this Twitter QRT has just been the final fucking straw.

So, me just wanting to enjoy this game in spite of its shortcomings makes me a simp for a cliche & unoriginal pile of slop.

Me being both excited & nervous for the upcoming expac makes me a simp.

How the fuck dare I enjoy myself. How the fuck dare I not be miserable & let the shortcomings I have overtake my genuine love of this little thing that brings me joy & helped me make so many new friends.

I just keep wondering why this person even keeps playing if it's only the small bits of side content that bring them any amount of joy? And I can't even ask that because it's rude of me. I can't ask them to tone down the constant harping or being more decisive about picking their battles because, "I'd be telling them to suppress themselves, cutting themselves into pieces to try & not be a nuisance."

The thing is that this person isn't stupid. They're not even a bad person. And I do happen to agree with a lot of their points when they aren't being so outright hostile. They just have social struggles & autism like I do, but in the opposite direction. I'm a meek, heavy masker who represses herself out of wanting to not pick or escalate fights (growing up used to having my words habitually twisted by bullies & authority figures, being a chronic mediator amongst past friend groups leaving me with compassion fatigue), while they've taken the opposite approach & are very bold & outspoken with their opinions to the point of jumping the gun with unintended aggression. As well as the aforementioned, "immediately assuming the absolute worst about of everyone involved in this property."

I don't know.

I'm just so tired of having the little things I like be constantly shat on by people whom I'm close to. It makes ME feel like I'm the idiot with no media literacy for finding joy in these things. That I've been gaslighting myself into thinking that the things I like are actually good or hold any modicum of value. It's been 26 years, & I haven't learned to tune out all the bullshit around me. I'm still so sensitive after all this time.

[andy-wm]

Please love me is Jimin's line today

The hardest few seconds for me to watch, were these...

Jimin was absolutely dreading appearing on screen without his trademark beautiful hair.

We know he left it as late as he could and didn't want to show anyone.

He looked like he was barely holding it together when he called attention to his hair being shaved. He must have genuinely been scared of the reaction he would get, even from Kook.

"It looks good on you"

Jungkook, you absolute fucking LEGEND 💜

He knew exactly what to say.

When Jungkook told Jimin he looked good (even with no hair) Jimin turned his face away <those feels choking him up> and when he turned back, the almost desperate look of gratitude mixed with relief was so clear.

Please love me is Jimin's line today.

This is not about vanity, ego or pride.

It brings home how fragile his confidence is. His need for approval and the assurance of being loved is strong. It’s so heartbreaking, but we know he hasn't had an easy road.**

Thankfully he did stand a little bit taller once JK reassured him...

But it wasn't an easy moment for Jungkook either.

Whether because he had to witness Jimin's fear and could do nothing more than pet his head, or because he was facing his own misgivings (probably both) he looked equally lost in that moment.

Remember that these boys have left their home once before and journeyed to a place that was less than welcoming. They've had to face the grim, disproving faces of unkind critics and a system that didn't support or value them.

I don't doubt there were echoes of that feeling on this day, that same sense of trepidation they've known before.

We know how the military treats men like them.

And then...

we got this:

You can take the boy out of Busan but you can't take Busan out of the boy.

(People say this about my home town too...)

The shadow of fear is still there in his eyes but.... he looks like a (very hot) backstreet thug who will absolutely fuck you up no questions asked.

It does occur to me that MS might be the reason Jimin has been learning to fight.

I mean really learning to fight.

Yes he's probably doing boxing too but i suspect something more than that ... you shouldn't get torn knuckles from boxing lessons unless you aren't wrapping your hands properly, just saying.

<Gotta love a person who can hold you and cradle your head, and also knock down an aggressor when they have to.>

If all else fails (words before fists, right?) I hope he can handle himself.

If he must defend himself, and someone (not him) looks like they've had a close encounter with his fists, I saw nothing.

I hope for both of them, their background will serve them well. In any case they will support one another and their love will see them through this. It's exactly why they are enlisting as companions.

🐰🐥

This is no easy journey, for these young men (all seven of them) or for their families, their friends, and their loved ones. Yes, it's reality of life for every person in Korea, but that doesn't make it easier when it's YOU or YOUR person who is going away.

I am seeing them off with an in ache in my chest - I know we all are. But I'm toasting their successful military service, and their quick return.

짠 지민아, 정국이! We love you 💜💛

See you soon, Angels.

** 'Hurry up and be me soon' ...

Some of us know how much it costs to put our authentic self out into the world. The sacrifices you have to be willing to make are huge. You're not only exposing your own vulnerabilities, but the flow on effect for your family and friends is real.

<talking specifically about Jimin here... how many times do you think his parents will have to say 'no, Jimin doesnt have a girlfriend, and no he isn't looking for one... No he doesn't plan to marry'.>

It's a long journey to self love and acceptance...

We know Jimin has been through a number of iterations of himself. He's been through the tough guy phase, the closed book, the siren, aloof and sophisticated, and the gently feminine.

The image he presents to the world is as much a construct as any person's is - and whether you're aware of this or not, all our public selves are social constructs.

"One size does not fit all" for queer people

For cis gendered heterosexual people, society has a few different ready-made constructs you can adopt, and the rest of society automatically understands the message you're sending. Most of them maintain the status quo of heterosexual cultural norms.

For anyone who DOESNT fit those norms, it's honestly never going to feel good expressing an image that isnt really you. Its like trying and make your circle self fit in a square box.

But theres nothing else that's readily available...

You really have to construct your public image from scratch.

When you aren't part of that typical demographic, figuring out how you want to be seen by the world can be an arduous and complex process.

How much do you reveal? How much do you risk?

You'll experiment with styles, behaviours, and social groups until you find a safe space you can occupy.

Jimin's safe space is with ARMY or his members, but it requires looking perfect.

Think about Jimin's hesitance to appear on camera without makeup. How carefully he chooses his clothes - whether for airport appearances, stage performance or out on the street. He usually has a team of people making sure he looks perfect. His hair is a trademark feature. It's always beautiful.

Remember that he's used to EVERYONE LOOKING AT HIM, ALL THE TIME.

Imagine how it feels to go out in public - against your will - with a shaved head.

Without hair, he would have surely felt naked. Plus, he's no longer in the safe embrace of ARMY, and his buffer of security and managers keeping him out of danger is gone.

He's immensely famous, but not universally loved (don't even go there) and bald, and small, and an IDOL, and very gay ... lets go with unlikely to be heterosexual.

No wonder he was feeling vulnerable.

Ngl, it broke my heart to see him so afraid but I'm sure he'll have a substantial group of supporters around him. I can only hope.

💜💛

[bbobpul]

break my heart again 2 — njm

PAIRING. na jaemin x reader SUMMARY.how's jaemin gonna give back for all of y/n's efforts now that he finally can? it's been years—just how much has everything changed? GENRE. angst, fluff, she fell first 🤭 W/C. 3.5k NOTE. hello, part two is here! so sorry i couldn't make a taglist. i didn't have time to make one. nevertheless, i hope this fic make its way back to you. love u all and thankies sm !!!! also, my requests are open !!!

(⁠☉⁠｡⁠☉⁠)⁠!⁠→ my other works !!!!!! part one here!!

i find it hard to picture myself ever being as dedicated to something or someone again, just like how i dedicated my entire college life to na jaemin.

lately, i've been feeling like i forgot what it's like to actually have a dream. back then, na jaemin was my dream, he was my driving force. i would force myself to wake up so early in the morning just so i could see him (or his car) enter the gates of the university. i would go to school even though i am sick and feel a lot better when i get home because i saw na jaemin. but now two years after graduating, i still haven't found a decent job that i actually enjoy.

it's a common experience that many people go through, and i suppose i shouldn't complain about it. maybe i need to put in more effort and push myself harder. part of me wonders if having na jaemin back in my life would rekindle that same sense of dedication that i once had. but as i say these thoughts out loud, they sound absurd, even to myself. why would i wish for my first love to return just so i could find a decent job? why would i long for na jaemin to come back merely to feel that spark in my life again? it's puzzling why i'm even dwelling on thoughts of him and wondering if he holds the key to my happiness and success.

oh, to dream.

oh, for that old dedication to still burn within you.

if only you hadn't acted so dumb that day. could life have taken a different path? are you even happy now? if you hadn't let fear hold you back back then, if you'd actually been brave enough to listen and follow through, would you be happier today?

but no matter how much you keep bothering yourself with that memory, if people come up to you and ask if you feel bad about everything that happened that day, you'd say no. you don't feel bad at all.

deciding to let him go was one of the best things you did. he seemed happy when you left, and after that, you never heard anything about him. he's like a touchy subject in your group of friends, which can be tough sometimes since you share friends. but does it really matter now? him not being in your life probably means he's happier and more peaceful, right?

are you feeling peaceful? is being stuck in a 9-5 job that hardly brought you joy a happy situation? scratch that. did being in that job make you happy? clearly not, as you've just mustered the bravery to quit. and in doing so, you've never felt more joyful.

did you really make the right decision?

just as you were pondering your own question, your phone buzzed on the bedside table. you grabbed it and saw that the caller was renjun, your incredibly patient best friend.

"y/n," he said, his tone becoming unusually serious. "what's up?" you asked. "do you need money?" "yeah?" "here's the deal: our college is putting together a documentary film, and they've chosen your department. but guess what? your old classmates are bombarding me with messages because it looks like you're ignoring them all. frankly, i can't believe you even answered my call," he griped. "wait, hold on. what film? and why would they pick me? are they searching for someone with a post-college life so sad that it belongs in a documentary?" "well, you were practically a legend back in college, so… and apparently, the director specifically wants you, which leads to… well, another issue…" "what's the problem now?" "it's going to be directed by jaemin."

and just like that, you ended the call. but a few seconds later, renjun's call came in again.

"i'm not going to do it." "you stubborn brat." "why him?" "i have no idea!" "why is he even directing? wasn't he studying architecture or something?" "i don't know, y/n. i haven't heard a single thing about him since your graduation." "what do you mean?" "that's not important now, y/n. you're in need of money, right? seize the opportunity. do it for the cash." “so will you do it or will you do it?” “for the cash.”

...

"y/n, you've moved on, haven't you? what's done is done. i'm pretty sure jaemin has forgotten all about it. this chance is coming your way, so just accept it." "i guess i will."

you're drawn in by the idea of making some extra money and the possibility of catching the eye of potential agents or employers. right now, you're at a crossroads, thinking about how this documentary could be a stepping stone to more job opportunities down the line. this situation is different from what usually drives you – this time, it's not about others, it's about focusing on your own goals and aspirations.

you're deliberately avoiding dwelling on your past. just as renjun mentioned, you've moved beyond it. what's done is done. right now, your focus is firmly on the present and the potential that lies ahead in the future.

what's in the past is behind us, including whatever existed between jaemin and you.

from renjun

tomorrow at lunchtime, they'll be going over the schedules and discussing what to film. if you want, you can chat with the director now. his number is 0825 813 2000.

in response, you simply replied with a "okay."

the night before the lunch meeting, a jumble of emotions has you in its grip. the idea of reconnecting with jaemin, who used to be your best friend and is now someone distant, fills you with a sense of awkwardness. you tell yourself that this is about working together and the chance to grow professionally.

after taking a deep breath, you decide to shoot jaemin a text. your fingers hesitate as you type, and the uncertainty you're feeling seems to seep into your message. you finally press send, and your text reads, "hey, it's y/n. heard we're meeting tomorrow for the documentary. just wanted to check in before that."

in almost no time, your phone buzzes with a response: "hey y/n, good to hear from you. yeah, looking forward to our meeting. let's catch up and chat about the project."

the conversation is polite, but beneath the surface, there's an unspoken layer of complexity. you can feel the hesitation in your exchange, a silent recognition of the shared history that's now a distant memory. as you talk about the meeting and the documentary, the easy flow you once had is noticeably absent.

as the texts go back and forth, a sense of tension seems to hang in the air. it's as though the years of friendship you once had are casting a shadow over your conversation. the effortless connection you once shared now requires effort, and both of you can sense the change.

as the conversation wraps up with a simple "see you tomorrow," you're left with a mix of excitement and anxiety. the idea of seeing jaemin again, especially in a professional context, stirs up a range of emotions. this situation is a stark reminder of just how much things have changed – and maybe how some things can't go back to the way they were.

you believed the conversation had concluded, only for your phone to ring once more, bearing yet another message from him. as you read the words on the screen, "i missed you, y/n," a rush of emotions floods over you.

"what's going on with him?" you mutter to yourself, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion. your gaze remains fixed on the message for a moment, your attention drawn to the three blinking dots in the corner – a sign that he's in the process of typing a response. several more seconds tick by, the dots eventually vanishing, and in response, you shut your phone off. you make an attempt to settle into bed and get some rest, but truth be told, it's hard to claim you managed to sleep soundly that night. an undercurrent of thoughts and emotions keeps your mind restless.

the day of lunch lunch finally arrived. you sat across from jaemin, his words forming a distant hum as your thoughts remained clouded and preoccupied. the lingering impact of his recent message kept you in a state of unease, making it difficult to fully engage in the conversation he was leading.

then, something inside you snapped, and you found yourself abruptly interrupting him with a question that had been gnawing at you, "why me?"

he looked at you, his gaze steady, and his response was quick, "why not you?"

your frustration simmered as his words hit you. he was choosing to be cryptic, and it was only adding to your confusion. pushing past your exasperation, you pressed on, "listen, i know we didn't part on the best terms, but why come back now and act like everything's fine? i mean, sure, it's better than hostility, but why choose me? i'm the one who's no longer part of your life."

his expression remained neutral, void of any emotions as he replied, "that's not true."

you raised an eyebrow, challenging him to elaborate. "what's not true?"

"that you have nothing to do with my life, y/n," he stated firmly.

the weight of his words settled heavily between you two, the gravity of the situation growing more apparent. the lunch table had transformed into an arena for confronting unresolved issues.

you scoffed, unable to hold back your disbelief. "jaemin, i made one mistake, and now you're trying to imply that my actions shaped your entire life?"

his eyes held yours, unwavering. "y/n, it's not just about that one mistake. everything that followed, everything that shaped who i am today… it's all connected to you."

your mind reeled, trying to grasp the enormity of what he was suggesting. the complexities of your shared history seemed to crash over you, leaving you grappling with a whirlwind of emotions and a tangled web of unspoken feelings.

the weight of his words left you momentarily speechless, and in an attempt to shift away from the intensity, you sought to change the subject. "where are the other producers? why is it just you here?"

"y/n…" he began, his tone suggesting he wanted to continue the previous conversation.

however, you opted to sidestep the discussion entirely. you pretended as if the profound exchange hadn't just occurred. "i notice you're taking on the role of a director now. quite the career shift, huh?" you inquired, masking your internal turmoil with a casual demeanor. you acted as if there hadn't been a two-year gap in your connection, as though things between you were perfectly ordinary.

he met your gaze, a faint hint of something unreadable in his eyes. "i pursued another dream when i felt i'd lost the chance for my first one."

"your first dream… not architecture, then?" you prodded, curious about the direction he had taken.

he shook his head, a soft chuckle escaping him, leaving you puzzled yet again. "no, not architecture. well, i suppose that just wasn't meant for me back then, but maybe it is now."

the cryptic nature of his response only added to the layers of confusion and intrigue that surrounded him. there was something about the way he spoke that hinted at deeper currents beneath the surface, emotions and experiences that he hadn't fully revealed. you found yourself torn between the desire to push for answers and the instinct to allow him his privacy. the lunch meeting had transformed into a stage for untangling not just the complexities of the documentary but also the intricate web of emotions and history between you and jaemin.

leaving the restaurant, a whirlwind of unanswered questions dances in your mind. yet, for now, you choose to tuck those thoughts away, focusing instead on the looming filming date just a few days away – next saturday.

in the span of time between that lunch and the upcoming shoot, jaemin proves consistent in his attempts to bridge the gap between you two. he regularly reaches out, updating you about his day and proposing get-togethers, which you consistently decline.

the days pass, marked by a series of messages and missed opportunities. despite the undeniable tension, there's an undeniable persistence on jaemin's part, a determined effort to reconnect and reestablish a sense of familiarity. however, your apprehensions and the memories of your past dynamics hold you back, keeping you from embracing his overtures.

as the countdown to the filming day continues, you find yourself in a delicate dance – balancing the unresolved history between you and the prospects of the future. the lines between your personal and professional lives are blurred, and the documentary project becomes a backdrop against which the intricacies of your relationship with jaemin play out.

you find yourself constantly pondering what his intentions could be. his actions leave you wondering, and you can't help but question what he's aiming for. in your perspective, you're merely a negative aspect of his life – a streak of misfortune. you would have expected him to have learned from the past, but his determination remains unshakeable.

as you contemplate these thoughts, your phone lights up once more, bearing yet another message from him. his name on the screen triggers a whirlwind of emotions – a mixture of uncertainty, annoyance, and a hint of curiosity. opening the message, you brace yourself for whatever he might convey this time. the consistency in his attempts at communication only serves to deepen the intricate web of emotions you hold for him, leaving you caught between your shared history and the unpredictability of the present.

"the offer's still there, y/n. :)" "jaemin, let's be real. just because i'm on board with your documentary idea doesn't mean we're suddenly best buds again. a lot has changed." "i want to reconnect, though." "actually, scratch that. i want to get to know you all over again." "jaemin, i appreciate the effort, but let's keep things professional, okay?" “i’m sorry, y/n. goodnight.”

after your straightforward message, his responses ceased. a silence settled in, stretching on until saturday – the day you were set to see him again. the anticipation and uncertainty had been building, and now the moment was finally at hand.

you stepped into the studio and immediately noticed that you and jaemin were the only ones present. your confusion must have been evident on your face, prompting him to address the situation promptly.

"um, the team thought having fewer people in the room would create a more personal atmosphere," he began, his voice carrying a hint of unease. "and, well, they decided to keep me here, you know, being the director and all, and also because we have a history…"

his words trailed off, and there was a subtle vulnerability in his tone. it was as if he was acknowledging the intricacies of your past connection, while simultaneously recognizing the complexities it introduced into your current dynamic. the studio, usually a place of creativity and collaboration, had transformed into a space laden with the weight of your shared history.

"it's okay," you responded, your words carrying a touch of reassurance. as your reply registered, a faint smile tugged at the corners of his lips – a detail you couldn't help but notice. after all, it was that very smile that had ignited four years of your life, a smile that held memories and emotions you had both shared.

"um, i'll just ask you a few questions, and then you're free to go," he stated, his voice carrying a hint of nervousness that didn't escape your notice. this new facet of his demeanor felt unfamiliar to you, a departure from the confident jaemin you had known.

you found yourself disliking this uneasiness, and a thought occurred to you – maybe it was time to rekindle something within him. as he began asking you questions, you decided to respond in a way that would evoke a certain familiarity between you two. it was a subtle attempt to bridge the gap, to draw out the person you once knew.

you had believed that his silence was what you wanted. you had convinced yourself that distancing yourself from him would protect you from the past mistakes. but now, facing the reality of the situation, you realized that perhaps a certain selfishness was ingrained within you. maybe, just maybe, you yearned to erase the distance, to defy your own rationalizations.

in this moment, you found yourself yearning to rekindle what had been lost, to bring back a connection that once meant so much. the conflicting emotions within you painted a complex picture of your desires – a battle between self-preservation and the longing for something more.

however, as you locked eyes with him and saw the lack of any discernible emotion in his gaze, a haunting wave of fear resurfaced within you. in that moment, it was as if time rewound, taking you back to the day of your graduation when your heart and spirit had felt shattered. the memory of that painful experience rushed back, accompanied by the doubts and uncertainties that had plagued you.

if you were to truly confront your own feelings, you'd admit that what you witnessed that night had left you questioning your own worth. the events had stirred up doubts about whether you had ever been deserving of taking risks for, whether you had ever been someone worth fighting for.

"hey, good morning, y/n."

"morning, director."

"how's today treating you?"

"pretty good, thanks."

"hmm, and what's life been like after college?"

"…"

"take your time."

"at first, i felt okay. my friends were all getting closer to their dreams, and i was genuinely happy for them. especially…"

"especially who?"

"especially the person i left behind."

"…"

"i was content being happy for someone else. then another year went by, and i wasn't feeling so great anymore."

"do you really think they're happy?"

"hmm?"

"the person you left behind."

"yeah. and my other friends seem happy too. they've got jobs they love, they're with people they care about, and i only had… renjun *laughs* … but sometimes, i can't help but feel like i'm the one who got left behind, you know? even though i was the one who walked away."

"let's talk about your person."

"oh *laughs* he's not my person."

pausing for a moment, you glanced at jaemin behind the camera. the question lingered in your mind: what was he trying to do? his actions and intentions remained a puzzle.

his expression grew serious, his gaze fixed intently on you. it was as if he had something to convey, something he was holding back.

"the last time i actually saw him was in an instagram post. he was with some girl. it happened on my graduation day. i waited the whole day, hoping he'd appear in the midst of the crowd. when he didn't, i held onto the possibility of seeing him by the gates. but that didn't happen either. my last hope was maybe he'd send me a single message, but by the end of the day, nothing came. then i went on instagram and saw a photo – a warning, i guess. a warning that i should just stop hoping. that… happened a few weeks later, i think. or maybe it was just a few days after our argument, the one where he told me he couldn't love… yeah."

you met his gaze and once again, his face was serious. his eyes were furrowed and his mouth was slightly open. a few moments passed, and he let out a shaky breath. screw it, you thought, it's out there now and i don't care anymore.

your silent exchange was interrupted as he shifted the camera away. confusion clouded your thoughts as you watched him move. he turned back to you, his expression still serious, and then he grabbed a chair from the nearby table. he sat down with his back facing you.

the room felt charged with unspoken emotions, leaving you to question his intentions and actions. it was as if he was peeling away layers, searching for something beneath the surface.

"did you know that…" he began, his voice breaking the silence. "she was his sister?"

"i never told you about her, that's on me," he admitted with a chuckle. "that was her last day, y/n. so i decided to spend the entire day with her. i'm sorry."

you were taken aback. "i'm sorry–"

"it's okay, y/n."

"i know i left you with so many questions that night, but let me tell you… every effort you made, every cookie you baked, i cherished all of it. i loved you. i'm sorry if my actions made you doubt yourself."

another pause filled the air.

"i left when you left."

"you were my dream. architecture wasn't really my passion, you know? i was struggling a lot, but luckily, you were there with me. i decided to chase after what i truly loved when you left, because i realized if i wanted you back in my life, it should be when i'm at my best, right? i wasn't lying when i said i couldn't love. i didn't want to love you when i was broken. i wanted to be the best version of myself for you. i thought that if i wanted you to be with the best person, then that should be me. so i became that person, a director, and then i planned all of this." his eyes finally met yours.

"i was always looking at you."

tears welled up in your eyes, and he seemed to notice. he took a step towards you and enveloped you in his arms.

"i'm sorry for not holding onto you back then, baby. but i promise, i won't let go of you now," he whispered.

"i'm sorry for leaving, jaemin," you sobbed.

"shh, you did what you thought was right."

"do you want to have lunch with me now?" he asked.

a mixture of emotions flooded your heart, and with a nod, you replied, "yes, jaemin."

[the-tarot-witch22]

First of all a big thankyou to you for always cheering me up and making me feel confident within my work, I'm so happy to know that you liked them. And yes it is actually funny because I do get some vibes of you two having same religion/culture yet I was also receiving something about European country/london especially so I was like is it a foreigner? But same culture hmm. But anything is possible so whatever that is you deserve the best and I'm sure you'll receive it. Also your fs definitely wants the best for you and love yourself, i also feel your higher-self would love herself too and as she should!!

Here's a feedback; OMG! Just few seconds in the reading and I'm already tearing up, because please the reading if just so beautiful :)) Okay so hearing about healing and self-love and all I'm just so happy because I've been doing a lot of shadow work and self-love is something very important to me now so knowing that my higher would reach that point of life where she's receiving the fruits of her hardwork I am very emotional, "Go for it" how do I explain i words what it meant to me because I was just thinking about things in life and all, especially about my career and then I hear this. Definitely I'm someone who's still learning to trust herself and all it was a huge sign for me especially for the steps I've been wanting to take/taking. Hearing about friends made me so greatful because I've been kind of unlucky when it comes to friendships especially offline (ik it also had a reason) so that is just so beautiful. Also about luxuries and money, and my higher-self??? She's exactly what i want to be or imagine her to me omg. Yeah like f*ck it, wait last life connection came here too?? And my fs popping up in ng reading again okay this reading is all I needed I am gonna give myself a good cry. And also that's so true I'm definitely the type of even now who looks at past just to remind myself how far I've came and what they've taught me and feel greatful even for those tough moments. "I also feel pink, green (pastel) or dark shades have importance in your life" wow please i should kiss your hands rn because it resonates even with colours, like i really love pastel shades and dark shades, and i would say they do play a role since when i wear dark clothes i feel much more confident and tune within mymasculine energy and with light colours with my feminine energy and I'm sure that maybe these colours play another roles too. "felt you standing in front of mirror and admiring it" *cries again* because I do have struggled with my body since my childhood and very insecure of it because of how skinny I look, and seeing her admiring her parts made me realise a lot. And yes I am a forgiving person and I've already forgiven everyone woah please you picked on the present too!?? Also about job, and career with growth...(Just so very greatful) Literally so very greatful because that's what I've wanting to give myself and even the higher position/business definitely aligns with my goals. And coming to my intuition and the Messages just blessed!! I am definitely gonna start hearing it more and also about the mysteries it makes sense and resonates (I'm surprised) because it's just a huge confirmation to me. Also coming to education, honey it resonates again because that's one of my biggest goals. Also "thankyou for meeting me baby" my pookie baby i already love you so much you popping up in the reading again!!!? Or atleast knowing something about you, it's okay love ik we'll meet when the timing is right. 🤍🫂 Also the moodboard?? Bro it's just so beautiful energetically and the fact I do see so many angel numbers, 444 too. Okay everything literally everything RESONATES!!

How do I explain in words how greatful i feel. Love you so very much honey, i really appreciate each and every moment, really greatful that I met you. Everything has a reason and I'm it had too. Sending my warmest hugs to my sweetheart, you are amazing don't question yourself. You are moving forward and making progress and that's a really huge thing, things take time but ik we'll be okay!!

Proud of you bub. Have an amazing day ahead. Sending lots of love and blessings 🫶🏻🤍✨🧿

You sweetheart!! I love you so so much 😭🌼 you deserve the compliments and your readings work is literally so gooood!? How can I not like it! You are so sweet for giving me both readings and moodboard and they resonated so much with me, it made me so emotional and happy thank you sm, I appreciate you so much that I can't describe in words, my love yes exactly!! Its funny maybe that country has important value in both of our lives I am just so excited to meet him! I love him already! Yess, we will have everything we deserve and I am sure the universe is working our favour!! Amen 🙏

✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼

The detailed feedback?? I am so in love with it , you are so so sweet 😭 the messages I kept picking on it was like everything your higherself wants you to hear and lessen your worries and doubts, your future spouse/soulmate he really wants to give you love and confirmation that he is out there, the way lovers card flew and pop up and I was like he is too excited to show himself to you lol, and it was cute, I am happy for him and for you 😭 I am so glad you liked the moodboard I kept feeling drawn to those pictures and I know they all had something for you, to feel and hear, I am literally smiling and feeling just so emotional?? Like I am so glad for the feedback and they way our energy aligns it just made me so so happy! I am so glad your higher self has everything , she literally is the sweetest, thank you so much for letting me read for you, ilysm!

✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼

Love you more! And I am definitely sure it had a meaning and I am glad we met, thank you so much, sending love and hugs to you as well!! Yess! We both are and I know things will look up for us, I just know it. Yess everything will be~!

✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼

Thank you so much for this and I am proud of you too! Have an amazing day too!! Sending love and positive vibes to you tooo ! 🧿✨️🌼🎀

[justine1268]

Genuine Question About Broppy getting Children In The Future... (long rant incoming)

Am I the only one who really wouldn't like an accidental/"surprise"/ unexpected/unwanted/unplanned/unintended Broppy child in future canon and who isn't really all that overjoyed about the idea of them having one in the future in general? I want to know.

I kind of feel like the only one because I haven't seen anyone else be so genuinely confused as to why the first situation is such a widespread and beloved thing in the fandom. If you do, please feel free to let me know what you find so appealing about it, because I'm not so sure I understand in all honesty and I want to get it.

I want to say that I really don't mean to come across as rude or hateful towards anyone who created Broppy children that would fit into the current canon who were unplanned! I just want to give my own perspective on it and why I personally feel iffy about that scenario.

A lot of my opinion here is also related to my personal attachment towards the ship itself. It's the first one I've had and for more than 7 years at the time of writing this, they've consistently been part of my life during this time. It's the ship I've been invested in the most.

The reason why I'm worried about this is because in Shrek, an other DreamWorks franchise, him and his wife had unexpected children. If they decide to make an other story like this:

Branch and Poppy is one of their few romantic relationships from ongoing franchises and a very popular one at the moment, so it could be with them.

There's a multitude of reasons why I rather have them want and desire a child before it happens and also to have it be almost a last part of the franchise addition. Like, one of the last things we get out of their relationship.

If it happens accidentally, depending on the context, it could likely be because they weren't careful. I feel like this is especially out of Branch's character. We know one of his major traits is making things the safest possible, he's hectic whenever something could be trouble. I think he probably would put action to avoid getting an unwanted egg as much as he could. We know Poppy can be kind of reckless, but she listens to Branch now and I don't think she is enough to not do any prevention and roll with it. She loves to throw herself head first into danger, but when she truly thinks she'll be okay. If she knows her own safety or well-being are really at risk, she takes it more seriously.

Obviously, putting characters through tough situations is the whole point of a storyline, but when it comes to them getting a child, it is something that (I'm assuming because we don't really know much about that yet) they CAN or at least should be able to control so...I think they should.

I don't want them having a toddler to get in the way of their relationship. I want lots more of just them two. A toddler, unless they don't show up for much, would take up a lot of moments that would otherwise be only with them. I want to get a lot more moments of solely them and focusing on their relationship with each other before a baby comes in!

Their characters, if, let's say, an infant or egg is with them during most events of a movie, I believe would be reduced to having to meet their needs. They're now tied down to needing to care for them and they lose that freedom they currently have. They'll have to be like "Ah, no, can't do that, got a baby." I don't want that.

I find it still way too early in canon for them to have children and that they should really be able to enjoy their time together and with their loved ones for now. Considering all Branch has gone through and the years he spent alone, being at such a low point, I don't want him to have the added responsibility, stress and worries of a parent so soon. I want him to be able to just have good times and hang out with his friends, girlfriend and family.

Both him and Poppy are so busy already, not to mention Branch is a person who really needs alone time. Give him a baby and that's going to be a whole lot harder.

It doesn't even seem to me like it's something they want in the future for now. Branch wants to marry Poppy, we already know that, but neither of them have ever mentioned wanting to have kids someday. Poppy already works with little trolls and loves it, but she has never said she wants one herself someday. Branch doesn't seem like it's crossing his mind. All he wants is to be Poppy's significant other.

I don't want a "surprise" Broppy kid and not know what went wrong or why it was so. If it's like Shrek, they'll leave that part ambiguous and I am not going to be happy about that. If they're going down that road, I at least want to know if they were intending on being careful at all. (Obviously brought up in a way that's appropriate for PG content).

Kids being raised by parents who didn't want them to arrive isn't ideal to me. Yes, parents can have regrets on deciding to have children in a way down the line and it doesn't mean they'll do a bad job, I agree the ship would make awesome parents, but it can be a lot more difficult thanks to that.

Look. I love the idea of them having little ones someday, I really do! I just wish it to happen way later on in the timeline than now, and most of all, I seriously want them to intend and want to have a baby before they do (we'll likely know if it's accidental, since, like I said, they did that in Shrek).

Scenarios I'd appreciate in canon:

1- They get married or just engaged in whichever next installment we'll get or stay only a couple and have a child or children that they planned on having years later.

2- They adopt a child/children which they either stumble upon or meet at an orphanage. They still look like their own, their colors being a sort of mix between Branch and Poppy's possible colors and being pop trolls (honestly, my favorite idea for a Broppy child).

3- It arrives at least a couple years after their romantic relationship has started (either still a committed couple, engaged or married), it wasn't intended or expected at all, from an unknowingly failed appropriate prevention method. They would be suggested the opportunity to abort, but they choose to keep their egg/eggs that resulted and raise them.

Scenarios I don't want:

1- It's a Shrek The Third 2.0 where it's left very ambiguous what happened with any time jump or none.

2- Unwanted egg from not trying to prevent it, no time jump at all. They have to raise their child/children as the early official couple they are now.

3- A baby/babies they didn't want and weren't careful for with a truly effective method, years or not after they're made official.

4- The child wasn't really wanted from both sides. Either one of them wasn't actually happy about the idea.

If we mostly get content of them out of the newborn stage (between about 5-18 years old), we get to know them once they already have built a personality. The child also has some amount of autonomy so the parents won't have to impose as much and we can still get only them both interacting pretty often. Kind of like in How To Train Your Dragon where Nuffink and Zephyr were already kids when we met them.

I think that's the idea I'd enjoy the most. Branch and Poppy wouldn't be tied down as much(also yes I'd want to see them getting older. Something so bittersweet in seeing a long time ship of mine age together...chef's kiss with that.) I'd get attached to the child a lot more easily as a character and I'd just love to see how the couple handles their youth.

Like I said: I do see lots of positives. I love the idea of them getting a child to build sweet, deep bonds with. The idea of caring, super invested dad Branch makes me melt. Him getting through that has something that can beautiful and powerful considering his story. It adds another person for him to love. A lot of wholesomeness and emotions to be explored! It can bring more to his relationship with Poppy as well! A supportive dynamic that's always ready to advise each other and to work through when it gets harder...yeah. It's simply great! It's a good foundation for a child to grow up on.

I just have some preferences for how it happens. Thank you for reading my long opinion piece!

[jedusaur]

Recs: Clint/Bucky fics with 200-500 kudos

after going through the entire Clint/Bucky pairing tag on AO3, I did a recs post for my favorite fics with under 200 kudos (a range covering more than half of the works in the tag) and now I've decided to do one for fics with 200-500 kudos (another ~quarter of the tag). there are 36 pages of fic with more than 500 kudos, so I figure most people won't get to these on a casual binge.

What Spring Does With the Cherry Trees, by @bittercape (32k) Bucky moves into Clint's apartment building and starts working on figuring out what he likes. this one has that lovely chill vibe where they both kinda know where their relationship is heading and neither of them is in too much of a rush to get there, which is my absolute favorite kind of slow burn, and there's a lot of focus on reflection and healing and self-care and just hangin out being comfortable with each other <3

You Can Never Go Home Again, by @flawedamythyst (49k) Clint and Bucky get sent back in time to 1939, and Bucky slowly unlearns his internalized homophobia and realizes that the "just two straight buddies helping each other out" handjobs they've been exchanging are not actually straight. I did a literal double-take when I saw how few kudos this had, it is one of my favorite fics in this pairing and it has the single hottest first kiss I have ever read in my entire life

Delicate Tension, by @feedmecookiesnow (53k) beautiful, quiet, sweet, sexy road trip fic, with lots of pleasant imagery in Bucky's photography and a satisfying slow-ish burn that resolves about halfway through so there's some nice early relationship navigation too. the tags are accurate but don't really convey the vibe of it, the trauma stuff is fairly low-key and the general feel is uplifting. also, the choice of tattoo on Clint's ass is INSPIRED, just an absolute *chef's kiss* bit of characterization there

Days That Used To Last A Lifetime, by @there-must-be-a-lock (10k) in which Clint is a dog walker and Bucky is a shameless flirt and both of them are a hot mess and do a lot of recreational drugs and end up murmuring secrets to strangers at ass o'clock in the morning in someone else's apartment

Sequestered, by @lizabethl (38k) in which Clint and Bucky are separately sent off to the same beach house for a much-needed vacation, then hop back on duty just long enough to temporarily acquire a child. deals with some tough stuff but it's mostly about healing and connection and growth

Hydra's Bite, by @flawedamythyst (118k) Buffy AU with a long piney slow burn and great found-family vibes. Clint is the Xander who rescues Bucky from a nest of hydras, Natasha is the Slayer, Coulson is kind of the Giles except undead, Jarvis is the ghost butler, Bruce has a demon living in him, and Tony inherited leadership of the Watchers' Council from his dad. also there's a running joke about all the demons Clint has fucked XD

quickly dream away the time; and then the moon, by @cloud--atlas (16k) Clint is housesitting Tony Stark's mansion in the Hamptons when Lucky gets through a hole in the hedge and makes friends with the hot rich neighbor

Gonna Be My Girl?, by @mightymightygnomepriest (46k) Clint and Bucky hook up while Clint is dressed up as a schoolgirl for Halloween, then they both make some assumptions they shouldn't be making and Clint keeps fucking Bucky in girl mode only. I'm not generally a fan of this kind of miscommunication-based plot, but this one really worked for me

The Middle of the Story, by @lissadiane (13k) look. I know you're gonna read the tag "Clint is literally a unicorn" and immediately want to roll your eyes and close the tab. I know. just... *takes you by the shoulders and looks intensely into your eyes* just trust me, okay

Personal Security (Let's Go Steal Ourselves a Remix), by @supervillainny (8k) Clint develops an inconvenient crush on the head of security at the art gallery he and Nat are about to rob

Boris the Soviet Love Hammer, by @bittercape (11k) the title/tags/summary make this one sound way crackier than it is, it's just a fun get-together fic with a few shenanigans. the part where they're fighting bad guys and Steve goes "Hawkeye, NO" and Clint is just like :D "Hawkeye yes" :D made me laugh very very hard

Universal Constant, by @mariana-oconnor (16k) Clint gets knocked into another dimension where Bucky is a stripper, bangs him, then finds that dimension's Clint and bangs both of them together. A+ no notes

how do you want me, by @feathers-and-cigarettes and @sevdrag (6k) deliciously twisted hookup-turned-attempted-murder-turned-back-to-hookup

All Bark, All Bite, by @hawksonfire (6k) he was a werewolf, he was a vampire, can I make it any more obvious

[practically-an-x-man]

I'm back with an OC ask :3

What would your characters bring for a week long camping trip? Who's actually prepared and has done this before? Who's running out of food on day two? Who's saying 'fuck it' and disappearing off into the woods, never to be seen again?

Ooooh thank you!!

Rae: Hasn't been camping before, but she grew up in a rural town and has spent a lot of time traveling internationally. She'd do some research, bring some decent supplies (but might overpack a little out of first-trip anxiety), and would have a decent if not perfectly streamlined week.

Robin: Probably ends up underprepared and has to send Peter out for a quick resupply halfway through the week, but they have a really good time despite the struggles and hitches.

Madison: Dude, she LIVES for this! She grew up camping, and at one point spent five years living out in the wilderness, so she's absolutely golden here. If she's on her own, she's probably just bringing her knives and the clothes on her back, as a challenge to keep her survival skills sharp. If she's going with her family or friends, she'll bring some more typical camping supplies (and a lot of marshmallows) so it's actually fun and decently comfortable.

Ophelia: Nope. She is a city girl, has been her whole life, even getting her to agree to a camping trip in the first place would take an act of god. If she has to go, she's picking a camping resort with cabins and dedicated trails and organization, and she's still a little miserable with the spiders in the shower stalls and the mosquitos and the lack of technology.

Gia: She's a tough one: she'd enjoy camping itself, and she'd have fun hiking through the forest and looking at all the plant life (especially the interactions between species, like parasitic vines on trees and that sort of thing). However, getting her to leave her shop, and the clover that holds her life force, is a very difficult task even just for a few hours, so it would be hard to convince her to leave for a whole week. In the end, she brings a pot of her clover with her for security, and is anxious and jumpy the first couple days, but eventually settles down a little and learns to enjoy it.

Jasper: Grew up out in the boondocks on the outskirts of New Orleans, so stuff like bugs and wildlife isn't going to bother them. Kyle gets a little uncomfortable (the humidity makes his scars itch, and some of it reminds him of Misty from when he was first brought back), and they end up calling it quits halfway through the week and spending the second half of the trip at a hotel, but it was kind of a nice break from their usual chaotic lives.

Kestrel: Is just disappearing into the woods. I mean, they're a changeling, they already live in a cabin on a magical wildlife preserve, a camping trip would most likely just be a mission to another preserve for them, which they've done hundreds it not thousands of times. It's easy, it's familiar, it's not even a big deal.

Katherine: Has been camping a few times as a kid, but never as long as a week. I could see her taking a little trip upstate with Jace and Emily and turning it into a little friends-trip, but they'd definitely rent an RV and go to a campsite somewhere instead of just going out to the middle of the wilderness. It would be fun! Definitely becomes an annual thing, though not any more than an annual thing, if you get what I mean.

Quinn: Please god no. She would probably die. She's lived in cities her whole life, sleeping on the ground would be an absolute nightmare for her joints, and there's just... really not much for her to do? If there's water nearby, she could swim, but she's not going hiking up a mountain any time soon. If it was some cosmic curse where she has to go camping Or Else, they'll book a camping resort somewhere and spend most of the week just killing time in the cabin they rented.

Eris: Probably brings a few basic supplies, but could also just live off the land if they had to. They honestly don't enjoy camping very much (it's just so quiet, and they've gotten used to the comfort of the modern world), so it's kind of a dull week for him, but he doesn't run into any serious trouble... unless she tries to fight an alligator or mountain lion just for the hell of it, because she would.

Nikoletta: She's a tough one. She knows how to survive on her own, but only in an urban setting, so there's pros and cons to all of this. Pro: she doesn't have to deal with people or social situations or anything like that. Con: she would really rather be back at her apartment, in her bed with her cats and Abner, instead of a sleeping bag in a tent. Pro: she's never been camping before, and finally has the freedom for new experiences like this. Con: she's never been camping before, and has no fucking clue what she's doing. Pro: she could bring Abner and turn it into a nice bit of alone time for the two of them. Con: that just reminds her of Corto Maltese, and he's even more uncomfortable with the bugs and the mud than she is.

Jimmy: I mean... he's a ghost. He doesn't need to eat, drink, or sleep, he can't get hurt by any animals or toxic plants, a camping trip for him would really just be him wandering through the woods for a while and hoping he doesn't get lost. It probably turns into more than a week... he's a city boy in his life and his death, and he definitely doesn't know where he is.

[magicaleraser94]

Hey ya'll ^^

As some of you may have noticed, I've suddenly become very active on this account, reblogging things and posting a few peices of art (some have really blown up, tysm ^^), after being radio silent for about two years. A lot has happened in my life since I had stopped posting. Here's a post to fill you guys in :D

My YT channel hit 1k subs!

...and I haven't really posted since :|

I got into Hermitcraft, the Life Series, and Empires SMP just before DSMP kinda faded. I'm a big fan of Grian and his content, as well as Martyn Inthelittlewood and Bdubs's Hermitcraft 10 series. They've inspired my art and were there for most of my style development. They're my comfort creators.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It's been kind of tough, since most of the therapists in my area are kinda shit. But I'm doing a lot better now thanks to my family, friends, and a good ol medication.

I started playing DND! It's been one of my favorite pastimes. Made a few joke characters, as well as some pretty serious ones. My usual character is Akuji, a half-orc fighter with a past as a psychotic smuggler.

(Due to action surge and a weapon she collected from fighting the dnd equivalent of Elsa, she can deal a max of eighty damage in one turn.)

I began playing Sky: Children of the Light. Made some friends. Lost some friends. The players are gentle and unique, and the community is one of the kindest that I've had the honor to be in. I also became a bit of a lore-addict, and most of my theories have been proven correct through the trailers for The Two Embers. I even created a character with my own lore :3

I became invested in Ish's State Experiments. I've become a pretty popular artist in the State Server, and I was the first to be featured in a special channel dedicated to State Art. While it's not something I should be super excited about, since our community is smaller than most, that very accomplishment has brought me into a group of kind, fellow artists, and funny content creators who I have made unforgettable connections with.

Also, meet "Blob" Soggy, the personified version of my discord username. I draw her a lot, and use her as little reaction images when I'm talking.

Found IMMENSE joy in Indie horror games, such as Bendy and the Ink Machine (and DR), the Little Nightmares Saga, Five Nights at Freddie's, Mortuary Assistant (introduced by one of the content creators in State), and quite a few more. Also, Hollow Knigth got mixed in there, even tho it's not horror

I'm in a relationship :). My boyfriend is a complete gentleman and looks kinda like a skinnier Newt Scamander. We've been going steady for 3 months.

I stumbled upon Dimension 20: Fantasy High, which has been so fun to watch! Brennan Lee Mulligan and his crew are hilarious. Also Riz Gukgak's the best PC and nobody can say otherwise.

And lastly.

MagicalEraser has grown into a full character. Through my friends in State, I was able to develop her past what I ever thought possible. She is what my fellow artists see me as. She's more than just a silly drawing I made based off of a Shel Silverstein poem and a half-baked minecraft skin. I am so grateful that I created her, because she's been there every step of the way.

Love you guys. Hope you enjoyed catching up! Thank you all for enjoying my art :]

[linawritestwst]

Hello(◍•ᴗ•◍)❤ can I request enemies to lovers headcanons or oneshot/drabble with Lilia x FEM reader

Here's my idea : so reader is a general from another kingdom that is in war with briar valley and there they met Lilia on the battle field cuz yk Lilia used to be a general.

So now we have two routes:

Route 1: they developed feelings during the war and kept there relationship a secret, and after a peace treaty was signed they publicly announced their relationship.

Route 2: it has been years since the war happened,reader decides to attend nrc cuz she's bored or something and there she reunites and old friend or should I say foe ? It's an understatement to say that they're both shocked to see each other here and are quite confused on how to feel for one another, on one hand the war was many years ago none of them have any reason to keep hating each other, on the other hand though they've had many unpleasant, to say the least, encounters in the past which ended with each hating the other even more then they already do. So after about a month of contemplating they both decide to move on and get to know each other after a few months of befriending each other they both fell in love and the rest I'll leave to your glorious brain (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)

Pick the route you like most I personally like route 2 but I wanted to leave you some options (◕ᴗ◕✿)

Also could you add jealous/yandere Lilia in there ? 🙏 I'd really appreciate it if you do but if you don't want to that's okay ☺️ so sorry if this too specificಥ‿ಥ

Thank you and have a great week ( ◜‿◝ )♡

lilia x reader who was a general fighting against briar valley (fem!reader)

I'M SO LATE I AM SORRY. i still hope that you like these headcanons though! also it was a bit hard to come up with them, you wrote so much, i didn't even know what to add here, haha. (but your ideas are soooo interesting!) i chose route 2 and i hope you don't mind me changing some details! also the reader character here is a fae, i thought it would be easier for me to write it that way. 

warnings: mentions of war, yandere themes, possible ooc, mentions of obsession, scars and some physical violence (mostly just mentions of you and lilia trying to kill each other in the past and you attacking lilia at some point).

♡ you still remember the war, even though it happened years, maybe even centuries ago. it was a tough one, that's for sure, mostly because of how strong and skilled your enemies were. one of them was especially interesting.. no, you can't call someone who was your enemy a word like that. let's say that he was especially dangerous. honestly, if it wasn't for the peace treaty, you wouldn't be surprised if briar valley won just because of that guy's strength and powers. you're not saying this because you're not confident in your skills or you think that your army was too weak, you're just stating a fact. but to your shock, after it ended, your worst enemy came to you and.. said that if you were given more time, you would totally win? and then he just walked away with that usual mysterious smile of his. well, whatever, you could never understand him and his thought process anyway. 

♡ that war happened a very, very long time ago. your kingdom is safe, you didn't have a war like that in many years and you deserved to finally take a break. however, you had no idea what to do, your whole life was just fighting and trying to protect your kingdom, what are you supposed to do now? hm, maybe you should just.. focus on your education for now? it feels so weird to say it right now, when younger fae can already call you a grandma. but hey, it's never too late to learn something new, right? 

♡ so, you started attending nrc, a school for the greatest magicians in twisted wonderland. you didn't find it that special, really, but it sure was fun to meet so many young students and hang out with them. you almost feel like you're a teenager again. maybe coming here wasn't a bad idea- wait, who's that? why do they look so familiar? it's almost like you've seen that person before.. oh, of course you did. you've literally fought against each other in a war before. but why is he here? isn't he a bit too old for this? though you know you're not the best person to say this  just what is lilia vanrouge himself doing here?

♡ lilia is just as surprised as you are, however, for some reason he seems very.. happy about it? it's like he's genuinely glad to see you again after all these years. you ask him about it and he just laughs, saying that what happened between you two was so long ago, you can read about it in the history textbooks, but now the world is completely different and it doesn't look like there even was a war. lilia even confesses that he always thought that if it wasn't for the war, you two would become great friends. he always wanted to get to know you more, but of course, he couldn't do it because of obvious reasons. but he did admire you and he still meant it, when he said that if you were given more time, you would totally win. 

♡ you want to say that you're surprised lilia is not as serious about it as you are.. but you're not. lilia has always been like this, even on the battlefield, he still had that playful smile and the war felt like a game to him. though that only managed to make him look more terrifying. of course, this guy doesn't think much of it anymore and he's even happy to see you. but to hear that he always admired you and wanted to learn more about you.. for some reason, your heart beats faster after you hear these words. no, you can't think of him like that. maybe lilia is still acting like his carefree self, but you remember just how much you had to go through because of him. and this was supposed to be just a nice and relaxing break for you..

♡ .. you hate to admit it, but for some unknown reason you actually enjoy the time you've been spending with lilia. you still have to stop yourself from punching him every time he says something dumb, but sometimes listening to him talk about random stuff makes all your worries go away. of course, you'd never tell him the truth, he would never shut up about it then. he already teases you way too much, you can't even tell when he's being serious or not.. wait, why do you even want him to be serious? come on, y/n, you know this man, he was your enemy but you know him better than you knew some of your friends. lilia vanrouge will just keep playing with your heart and emotions like that until you finally break. that's how he's always been, so don't you even think of getting attached to someone like him.

♡ you hate yourself for thinking about him all the time. just how can you betray your own kingdom like this? no, you don't care, if the war happened a long time ago, you still can't.. well, uh, you can't like someone who you had to fight in the past! he literally tried to kill you so many times, you can't fall in love with someone like him! he is not a "mysterious and attractive villain who you end up catching feelings for" and this is not an enemies to lovers novel. and even if you do admit your feelings for him, what's next? lilia definitely doesn't love you back, he just sees you as his toy, he expects you to fall right into his trap. and if someone finds out about your relationship.. no, you don't want to think about it.

♡ that's it, you just have to meet someone new. there are so many students you can talk to, why do you keep spending time with lilia anyway?.. wait, maybe you shouldn't think about answering this question. so, you start making more and more friends and you're not that scared of falling for lilia anymore. who knows, maybe you'll even forget about him soon! yes, that would be better for both of you. you start forming an especially close bond with a particular student and you see and talk to each other every day. he's mostly just a friend to you, but.. maybe there could be something more? you don't actually have any feelings for him, but if dating him will make lilia leave you alone..

♡ hm, for some reason that student started acting weird recently. he's ignoring you and whenever you try to talk to him, he runs away, almost like he's scared of you or something. but why would he even be scared of you? you thought you had a pretty good relationship, there even was a chance of it becoming more romantic. so why would he suddenly- ohh, you get it. you get it now. this student isn't scared of you, he's just scared of becoming closer with you. and he doesn't want to talk to you anymore because he knows that someone will be very angry if you two actually fall in love with each other. and you know so well who this person is. 

♡ why is he doing this? does he just want to make you suffer? you knew it, he never truly cared about you. just how could you be so naive? even though you literally fought in a war, deep inside you're still that innocent girl that you were before all of it happened. you find lilia and ask him what he did to that student. at first he looks surprised, but he quickly realizes that there's no point in playing dumb. you are a smart girl, after all, he always knew that. so, what happened between him and that student? oh, lilia just threatened him and said that if he even thinks of dating you, he will regret it greatly. you're sure that lilia said something a lot more scary to him, he probably just doesn't want to describe the details right now.

♡ you grab him by his throat, his short height really didn't help him that much. and for some reason he doesn't even try to resist. you just want to know why he did this. is he just a sadistic monster? or maybe that's his revenge for everything that happened during the war? you're fine with both of these answers, you just don't want him to.. you know, actually be in love with you. oh well, looks like it's time for lilia to tell you the truth. the thing is.. he actually wasn't that honest when you two first saw each other here. lilia was shocked to see you again and he wasn't that happy about it. yes, he does admire you, that's for sure, but he remembered everything you did to him back then. you weren't the only one who got hurt. he still has some scars left from that time you were surprisingly close to killing him. sure, lilia is pretty chill and relaxed most of the time, but he wasn't that glad to see you at first. hey, even though he's kinda weird and he knows it himself, he can hold a grudge too, you know.

♡ but now that you two didn't have to think about the war anymore, lilia remembered just how interesting he found you in the past. though he wouldn't call that interest "love" or anything like that, it was something much more.. twisted. like sure, he did want to know more about you and he thought you were a fascinating person, but he still would kill you if he had to. actually, he would love to kill you, he wanted to find out all of your weaknesses. but now, as he kept talking to you and becoming closer with you whether you wanted it or not.. that interest became something more pure and innocent. wow, he really did get a crush on his enemy from the past! haha, well, that's embarrassing.

♡ he apologizes for what he did to that student though you're not sure if he's being sincere, maybe he still has the same kind of interest in you that he had in the past. maybe his love for you still has elements of obsession. it's just.. it was painful for him to think about you choosing someone else over him. like hey, even after all these years, you two have finally met again! isn't it just fate basically telling you to finally admit your feelings for each other? maybe your love for each other is not that perfect, it's flawed, some people would even think of it as toxic or disgusting, but.. it sure does exist. maybe you two could work on it together? maybe you two have to finally start being honest with each other? what do you say, y/n? 

[mmmairon]

I don't know what level of school you're in, but I wanted to let you know as someone who graduated more than 5 years ago - undergrad was one of the worst, most stressful times of my life. Not only because I felt a world of expectations upon me, but also because I was so deeply depressed that the only thing I could feel was my own crippling anxiety. A lot if the time ppl underestimate the stress that students are placed under. Don't be afraid to reach out to ppl who care abt you, I promise you're not bothering them. Ask your professors for advice or extensions, they've almost definitely been in a similar place. Remember that you mean so much to ppl you've never even met and that they're wishing you well. Lastly, remember that no matter the expectations placed on you or what others feel, it's important to listen to yourself and what your body is telling you. I can't say I really know you but I care abt you, Internet Stranger. I'm sorry things are tough and that they've been tough for a while. Please remember to love yourself and take care of yourself. Even the most tumultuous of storms eventually pass <3 <3 <3

Hello kind friend :') <3 I know you sent this some time ago, but I've since come back to read it a few times. So this time I decided to properly respond to it.

I am an undergrad student [crying face] and a student teacher. I think, truly, I just have too much on my plate and it all decided to suck really bad at that one particular moment. I only have one more exam this semester, so I feel a little calmer knowing that lmao. I think, too, that it wasn't really optimal that I was forced into school right when my whole world was falling apart, but it's been 3 years since then and I'm still alive, so hurray! I don't think anything has been really great since then, as I had to grow up overnight, but maybe once I graduate I will feel a bit more put together. Possibly. Only one way to find out.

Either way, thank you for sending this when you did. It was really, really nice to read. I feel so discredited when I complain about school as an undergrad student because I feel like some people have more reason to feel wrung dry by schoolwork than me. But I guess being handed a cattle operation with no notice will do that to you, too.

[thefirsthogokage]

Criminal Minds 5x12:

'The Uncanny Valley'

Spoilers: Yeah, I guess. Including the following comment on the episode.

Well that feels like an appropriate episode title considering my friend's note of "Human dolls." I've seen human dolls a few times in other shows, I think I can tough this one out.

Reactions/Commentary Below The Cut

This guy gonna die? Feels like he's gonna die. Oh no wait he finds the body, right?

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You wouldn't be able to mouth the words if he was actually reading as fast as Reid was supposed to be able to read.

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I definitely remember seeing this one before. I think this girl ends up fighting back.

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JOHNATHAN FRAKES?! Wait does he direct this too? Nope. He playing the bad guy then?

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This actress playing the ME is very believable. Not just a bit part kind of vibe. Interesting.

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Ugh, another example of "that's not how tasers work".

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(I'm wondering if I should time stamp my comments. Not that many people read these, and probably never will. Idk, if you read these and want me to add time stamps, please leave a comment and I'd be happy to at least try.)

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Oh, he's not the bad guy.

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Oh THAT girl didn't live, but maybe the next one does. Poor women.

Nice job on these actresses at keeping their eyes open. I wonder if when they have the camera pointed away from them, their eyes are actually closed, and the false eyelashes are placed where they would be if they were open.

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This woman's makeup actually takes away from her beauty.

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Oh damn that's right, she had other women.

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This dream/hallucination little scene is different f on their norm.

DON'T LET HE KNOW YOU CAN MOVE!

Oh that smile. She's knows she can get them out of there. Ugh, BADASS!

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I'm surprised they didn't have the woman who spotted the stitching earlier come back to help sort through the samples.

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Ah, yeah, no medical doctor should be willing to do something like that on a kid, unless it's their own parent 🙃 Do no harm, sir. Not that every doctor sticks to that, and many don't, especially if your POC, heavy, and heavy POC.

Oh Frake's is the dad, right? And I guess technically the bad guy who created the bad guy.

And no, you give someone ETC if you want them to forget.

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(I should not be eating this muffin, it's made with eggs, but I'm hungry 😭 I know I have stuff to do tomorrow, in the morning too, but ugh, I am hungry and need something quick that isn't the peanut butter I definitely shouldn't have bought. They've caused me trouble before. UGH.)

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This diabetic is such a badass.

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If she's lost concept of life and death, she really can't tell what she's doing is wrong, right? That's the assumption? Then why is she scared by the police? Or am I getting something wrong?

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There's Frakes!

I love how Spencer HATES child abuse. I assume it's especially from a professional that's supposed to help, supposed to be trustworthy. Matthew does a great job in this scene with the barely contained rage in his voice

But also, statute of limitations. They need to find new victims, but talking to the old ones, getting to come forward, I guess.

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GET BACK IN THE CHAIR!

Oh good! OH THE STUFF!

Sitting up like that for a prolonged period of time, that has take a strain on the spine.

OH DON'T TALK! SHE WOULD HAVE TO REALIZE THAT'S NOT NORMAL!

Nice job, Reid!

I don't think you can promise that, Reid.

The dolls really do look just like them.

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So, wait, no one else who knew the other women came forward to report them missing? Did I miss something?

[designsdefiance]

FOR LOREN:

7, 21, 30, 42 (bonus for 42: what IS his end goal?)

FOR M'SEYLI:

3, 11, 22, 36!

loren:

7. what triggers nostalgia for them, most often? do they enjoy that feeling?

he's got like, extremely strong sensory memory, and it's sensory experiences that trigger nostalgia more often not. often the taste of a specific food or a scent, though sound can be a pretty powerful one too. as for how he feels about it, it really depends on what it is he's feeling nostalgic over? the smell of ul'dahn street food reminding him of the early days of his friendship with adeline is an empowering one, a reminder of how far they've come and how much she's done for him. the absolutely harrowing ache his double-ancient soul feels at the sights and sounds of elpis he could live without.

21. why do they get up in the morning? 

"morning" is a generous one because he's absolutely not an early riser lmfao. but on a more metaphorical sense, it's the people who depend on him that keep him going. he's slowly getting a little better at living for himself, but it's a long, difficult process, and as it currently stands, it's his friends and family that keep his head up.

30. who do they most regret meeting?

haurchefant :) though it's more about. how their first meeting and subsequent interactions went that bothers loren. if he could get a second chance he'd jump at it. as it stands, though, haurchefant was never anything but lovely to him, rivalling even adeline in the level of kindness he was shown, and loren repaid him by being, frankly, a complete asshole. he spent most of his time around the man being cold at best and actively rude at worst, as a release for years of pent up ishgardian trauma that he hadn't really made any effort to work through and had instead just buried and tried to ignore. during his time in ishgard, he did start to come around a little, though by that point his struggle was just feeling awkward and not really knowing how to come back from how badly he'd screwed up. and then the bastard died for him and now he's left with this harrowing guilt that he'll never really be free of.

42. how badly do they want to reach their end goal? 

tough one because this is the sort of thing i'm still sort of figuring out, but where i'm at with him currently: his overarching goal is just. security. prior to msq, though he's mostly happy with adeline + her father, he's aware enough that things could be pulled from under their feet at any moment, and all he really wants is to know that all three of them are safe and cared for. while this changes quite a bit throughout msq- he comes to care for the scions the same way, and the threats facing them become just a little more severe and worldending than "we might not be able to put food on the table today"- the core of it remains the same. he wants to keep the people he loves safe from harm, and safe from having to worry about where their next meal is coming from.

he'll go to... extreme levels to achieve this. at his lowest he literally doesn't care if it costs him his life as long as everyone else is okay. for a long time he also doesn't really care if it's what the other person wants if he believes it's for the best. especially with adeline he's caused quite a few fights with her by being completely blind to HER feelings and desires, and rightfully had his ass kicked for it. he's learnt to value himself a little more and include himself in his desires, but there's still very little he wouldn't sacrifice. he's extremely relieved to be in a position now, post-endwalker, where he really doesn't have to worry so much anymore.

m'seyli:

3. how do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

she herself doesn't really need a whole lot. she's the sort of person who is asleep the second her head hits the pillow. however she DOES have something of a nighttime ritual, in that there's a specific song she always sings for m'kipfhi to help her sleep. she doesn't really need it herself, with one small exception; when m'kipfhi got taken into the first. she would sing it to herself to self soothe, though it didn't really aid her in sleeping much. it just kept her occupied until she got so exhausted that she couldn't stay up anymore.

11. how do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

she'll just ask. she's very direct about this sort of stuff- she HATES not knowing and she's not afraid to just ask someone to repeat or rephrase. she can get pretty frustrated pretty quickly if her attempts to get clarification still don't get anywhere but she doesn't see the point in fumbling around when you could just communicate directly.

22. how does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

she doesn't really get like, properly jealous very often, it's just not really who she is. when she does though she just gets very clingy. not really possessive because that's antithetical to her core approach to relationships but like. very typical cat, you're not paying enough attention to me so i'm going to lay on you. try and ignore me now bitch.

36. do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap? 

romance to her was always kind of like. something she'd like to achieve one day but she wasn't really too concerned about finding it any time soon. she saw most of her tribe mates as like, sisters more than potential romance options so it was just never on the cards for her before she left, and once she left she had other priorities; getting m'kipfhi cured, and then. all of msq lol. she + krile were very much an accident- one that caused her quite a bit of stress, because balancing a new relationship and the stress she was under during shadowbringers and endwalker wasn't exactly ideal, but was ultimately a happy one!

[sierrabinondo]

2023

jesus christ. lmao

well.

real quick- i'm basically never posting the link to these again. either people know where to find them or they don't. i think it's better that way.

for the first week of this year i had only one eye. i had poked my eyeball with my wire brush and couldn't open it without experiencing excruciating pain for days. i think that dumb little injury- unfortunate, yet kinda funny- really set the tone for 2023.

the first few months i was essentially in hibernation. we were hard at work tracking vocals on the with sails ahead record well into april, technically may too. we ran into so many setbacks- joe got sick, then i got sick (or vice versa???), one night i had a really bad crying spell and stayed home, sometimes shit just came up- it was incredibly difficult. and we were losing our minds feeling like this record was taking forever to get done. five nights a week spent tracking vocals, sometimes doing upwards of 60 takes (sry joe) to get my takes as perfect as possible. it was fucking. tough. and there's still things i wish i could have done differently, but we got it done.

it's kind of angering to think about how i've gotten better as a vocalist even in the time since, and i wish i could apply what i've learned to the record. but that just means that the songs will sound even better live, which will be awesome. i'm still proud of a lot of the work i did on the record.

at the end of the day, spending all that time making an album was the best possible use of my time. i don't regret it at all. i wish i could have streamed, but it's okay.

that truly was my life from january to april. i did dry january and it went well so i'm doing it again in 2024. i think i managed to extend it into most of February. the goal is to also continue it for as long as possible or generally abstain from alcohol more since WSA will be so busy. we went to shows here and there, and when we did hang out we got together at joe's since we had already been working. but that was really it. i finally got a new tattoo, which was the digimon sword piece i had been dying to get forever. i got to go to the new kura location in edison, too.

april happened. and then may was also a month.

june was an exceptionally busy month, and in that time we went on tour for WC3. three weeks prior, ryan had to bow out of the run due to an injury and we were SO fucking lucky that cha could step in last-minute. with all things considered, we played well on tour. as weepy and fucked up in the head as i was, that was one of my favorite weeks of this year, and one of my favorite memories. there's a longer, more detailed recap below so i won't go into exacts. but being around my friends all week was bliss.

in june, i also started taking muay thai classes. i had always wanted to go back to taking martial arts classes in some way, shape or form but i didn't think it would happen this soon. i thought maybe in my mid-30's i'd start, but it just worked out that i could start going now. i didn't start prior due to budget and time restraints but, i moved closer to my friends' gym, so i could finally go train. i knew it was going to be way different from cardio kickboxing, but understanding *some* of those fundamentals helped me at least have half a foot forward when i began training. it's taking me so long to absorb everything since i can only go once a week, but it has been fucking awesome. there was one class where emily and i were just throwing each other around on the mat, and it was a blast. not only has it been really fun and incredible to learn, but i have become closer with my friends sean and emily, and made a new friend in our classmate kim. they've all been a tremendous help in getting me through this year; probably more than they'll ever know.

god every month this year was so busy. early july, we finally filmed our music videos for the record and played a couple gigs. the month absolutely flew by. shooting the videos was a blast, and the two fests we played were very fun. sadly, in the midst of those two gigs, i was living a fucking nightmare. any sane person would cancel the shows and all of their obligations but i decided not to. i probably would have been better off for it, but i felt like playing the shows and being around my friends was better than being at home and mourning never seeing my dog again. but in july, i also returned to streaming, and it was so bittersweet going live again. since then, it's been difficult to maintain the schedule i once had, but i'm just so fucking grateful and glad that my community is still here. they didn't go anywhere. and i really don't care if i grow at the moment, because if they keep coming back that's all that matters. they are what makes continuing to stream worth it or even enjoyable at all. it's so much fun.

in august, WSA decided to start giving a shit about tiktok and meeting at joe's to do bits. we had the WC3R weekender, so we figured it was a good time to start getting into the swing of posting. if we want to grow at all, we have to. it really helped with promoting our shows. when we went on the weekender later that month, we got to see detroit and chicago for the first time. i am so blessed to be able to travel with my best friends and see cool shit. we also meet the most wonderful people and get to see longtime friends on the road, many of which we maintained contact with online only. i never hesitate to reassure people that tour is grueling, but it is so fucking rewarding.

the summer overall was awesome. spent a lot of time with friends new and old, longboarded, went to a food festival, spent a lot of time in brooklyn and philly. I SAW TWICE LIVE, FINALLY. top 3 best concerts of all time, it might rival the on letting go 10 year for #1. saw my childhood best friend get married and enjoyed a trip with my family to north carolina. SHOUTOUT ABARI VIDEO GAME BAR IN CHARLOTTE. because of emily, i also got to go to the beach so much!!! girl hooked it up with free badges!! and that was something i really wanted to make sure i didn't miss out on this year. i was sad the summer ended so early, but it was a good one.

when september came, it was like a break before the final arc of the year began. i still had to haul ass and get band stuff done, otherwise i took it a little easier. my month kicked off with a trip to the DMV, which was incredible. the barbeque at adam's was awesome, and i had a blast living with kevin and caleb for a week. it felt wrong to leave to be honest LMAOOOO. i am so grateful to them for their hospitality. basically when i crash there i live in their basement lmao and i work remotely!! and it totally all works out! then we hang really hard at night. karaoke at queen's gambit was. god. just one of the most perfect nights out i have ever had. and even the nights where we didn't do much, it was wonderful. later that month was my birthday, for which my plans got hella derailed due to the storm, but my friends who are local still came which i'm so grateful for. we partied hard and sang karaoke for hours. i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

being single is fucking weird, but i'm mostly used to it now. it's nice to get attention but i rarely feel like actually into anyone. and when i do, it's not reciprocated. also! being on dating apps is fucking weird! i got on them because i was craving physical intimacy but since then i've only gone on one date. that was just two days ago. people are just so weird. i really tried to connect with both men and women- i don't even want anything serious- but people just stop answering. thankfully, i really didn't get discouraged over it at all. i'm not gonna lie, i also just would stop answering people i was initially interested in. it just sucks so much. it's hard to feel anything, even excitement. but i guess i also don't really take it seriously. hence my insane prompt answers lmao

october through december was basically 9 seconds. mostly because of us dropping new music. i spent october scrambling to get everything ready, november was all about darting, then prepping for the rest of the album shit we need and filming content in december. i finally got to see ciara again since we met in LA!! we showed her around philly and jersey. i finally got to see steph and her family, regretfully for the first time in a long time. i'm pretty sure i was there the month prior then went back for brian's birthday. it's been harder for us to get time in together, but hanging out with steph is always just like picking up where we left off, no matter how long it's been. i went to a really fun wedding halloween weekend, and got to cosplay ann tamaki for halloween this year, which is like the 2nd faithful cosplay i've done since going blonde haha. bea kind of counts but not really? i didn't wanna chop my hair or wear a wig so. oops.

november flew. all i had on my mind was darting eyes. we wished there was a more explosive response, but we're still insanely proud of what we achieved. it was cool to see everyone's reactions and have people be really hype about it. i felt proud to see people say it's our best song yet. i think it's up there with some of the sickest shit we've written. i also went back to kevin and caleb's to chill with them for their birthdays and to go see daoboys in baltimore. i would love to make that a yearly trip provided that we're both free that week of november. also i cringe when i think about how i fucked up when i mic grabbed for daoboys BUT it was still an awesome experience and i'm so lucky i can say that i got invited to do that at all.

when december came, i was not feeling festive at all. even on christmas eve, i woke up feeling more normal about it than ever. i've never listened to so little christmas music in my life. it was a really tough month. i missed brawly so badly. but my friends were glad to hang out and do festive shit with me, which helped so much. on christmas, it was just me and my family, no one else, and it was really lovely. it's become one of my top favorite christmases ever.

this year was tough for many reasons most likely obvious, but for a long time i resented being alone with myself. i ran from it as a kid. if i was left out of plans with friends, i would feel sorry for myself instead of dusting my shoulders off and practicing my instruments. and i definitely still did that - but i could have done more, and channeled less negative energy from it. but i ended up doing so much, spontaneously, on my own. and i'm so proud of myself for it. it took time, but i accept what has happened to me and i feel myself ready for a clean slate. i'm definitely just not ready for a relationship yet. i realized yesterday that i'm emotionally unavailable, still. i need more time. getting older sucks but, i'm not too worried about being alone for a little longer at all.

and doing those things alone is totally self care too. speaking of which. I TOOK SO MANY BATHS THIS YEAR. shoutout to my parents' jacuzzi tub. that mf is fam forreal,,,,,, i have a whole set up lmao i throw in a bath bomb, some bubbles, sometimes i grab a mask or some wine, and i throw on anime. it's so therapeutic but one time i got lightheaded from being in there too long so i have to be careful hahaha. i'm grateful to my parents for allowing me to use it so much.

i spent...... so much time with my family and friends this year. i don't remember the last time i have hung this hard with them. our family's bond has taken a completely different shape now that we're all adults, and it's become so much deeper. not only did we go through the breakup together, but losing our cats. i can be a pain in the ass for them all still, which i need to work on, but things are much better now than they have been in the past.

i got so much closer with my bandmates. we hung out way more as best friends, not just to write music and film bits. my lifelong best friends immediately took me under their wing when shit initially hit the fan in april and they haven't let go since. what i went through made me develop an even deeper connection to friends i wished i got to spend more time with. and i just. i had been conditioned to believe for so long that i didn't truly deserve many things, but i no longer have any reason to believe that because of the people who choose to be in my life. i really have such incredible family and friends. i always joke that i didn't ask to be born and shit, but i got the luckiest draw when it comes to the company i have. not that i don't give myself credit for enduring what i had to go through, but i would have been fucked without the support system i have. i am truly so thankful every day.

god i can barely get through finishing this post without crying!!!!

when we went out to dinner recently, my friend asked us what we learned this year. i couldn’t answer because i didn’t even know where to start. i took some time to think about it, and it’s unfortunately a lot. but, here is what i learned in 2023: 

what i thought was love was really attraction, and even comfort. those things are still important in a healthy context, but real love is respect- respecting your partner enough to recognize when you’re hurting them and crossing boundaries repeatedly. and a real apology is not repeating that hurtful behavior. it’s not just words, and it’s not blaming others for your mistakes. it’s action. this goes for friendships, too.

believe the things someone says when they’re livid at you. it’s not that those awful things are true, but they are an accurate reflection of how they feel about you. i am so mad at myself for not seeing this glaring red flag probably upwards of a couple dozen times. I challenged these words and i was still reassured those angry sentiments were meaningless. it all adds up now.

take people at face value. don’t try to prove them wrong about themselves. act as if who they are right now is the way they’ll be forever. that was so fucking hard for me as someone who has always largely believed in people’s propensity to change. my therapist really really tried to drill this into my head when i started seeing her in may. it was tough to follow the first time and it didn’t finally stick until the second time i made the mistake of not listening in september. i had to abandon being a fixer. the second time i was challenged in this way this year, i didn’t so much as try to fix them, but i was praying they weren’t right about the terrible things they were telling me about themselves. i wanted them to prove me wrong. i had to come to terms with the fact that because of their commitment to believing they were no good, and not respecting boundaries, we were not going to work out. i truly believed i could love people into being better. i thought giving grace would inspire them to want more for themselves. it is physically impossible. 

it is so much better to keep your mouth shut about your personal life. as someone who has always been an open book and worn her heart on her sleeve, this has been extremely difficult for me (lmao). firstly, there’s no need to prove yourself to people who are committed to not empathizing with you. not even reacting or telling the objective truth will help, because they will be dead set on denial. it fuels their disdain. second, the reality is, even some (maybe most!) people who care about you will not understand exactly what you’re going through, and how all-encompassing it feels. and it’s not ok to word vomit about your trauma all the time. unless the offer is extended, it’s best to journal everything and use tools like therapy. i am so glad i have songwriting for this. i just had such great cognitive dissonance that i couldn’t even trust myself, and that's why i couldn't shut the fuck up in/on private lmao. i constantly found myself questioning reality and seeking validation. i couldn’t conceive what the fuck was happening to me nor place how i was supposed to feel. i felt tremendous, overwhelming guilt and grief. a part of me died. we all make jokes about gaslighting, but the psychological torment is no joke.

i made a little change where i stopped calling myself stupid and i legitimately felt a small improvement in my mental health. i highly recommend actually speaking kinder to yourself. there are other insults i should stop using towards myself but that alone felt like a positive step in the right direction.

i believed i wasn’t being held back and that it was all in my head, but staying in a place where i was being emotionally and verbally abused was not only worsening my anxiety but my physical health. i went no contact, and i could even breathe better. sleep better. i used to experience acid reflux daily and now it’s on an occasional basis. I am lonely sometimes, and i am still grieving somewhat, but i feel so much better. it’s incredible.

and now i’m so fucking mad that i accepted less than i deserved for so, so long. i am so mad that i held myself back from being truly happy. even being in a better situation mentally for the last decade might have meant i would have been farther along in my goals. now that i understand how fucked my mental health was that entire time, and how it ruined my self-perception, i feel such a well of emotions when staring ahead at the rest of my life. i have no fucking idea what it looks like. in april there was a dark, deep precipice. now, it’s a little less steep, but it’s there. sometimes it’s not. i am fucking terrified of what comes next, but at the same time i wonder how much i can affect by legitimately believing in myself and having zero mental hindrances. what if i can actually will all of my dreams into reality. after what i experienced this year, i feel like i have nothing to lose, now. so if i'm a little delusional in 2024 i'm sorry lmao. i am only this young for so long!!! and i am hellbent on trying to have as incredible of a year as i can. but if it's anything like 2023, without all of the bad, it certainly will be.

[11lights]

August 20th, 2023

0133L

Temp 79° Thunderstorms

Saddlebunch Keys, FL

Okay, I want to preface this by saying that I have had a little bit to drink. And also I may or may not have forgotten to enter anything yesterday. That's mainly because I kept procrastinating and saying I would do it later and later and later. And here we are 1:30 the next day and yesterday's was never completed. Which means I didn't get to document seeing my mother and father's best friends from 1995 visit in Key West, and their child. That was pretty cool. They remembered the piece of advice that I gave to them when their son was just a baby about how they should never try to force their son to be what they want. They should just let their son grow into who he will be. Referencing. How my father always tried to make me the tough guy and to be stronger and to be aggressive and to stick up for myself how he wanted it but I could never be like that because that wasn't me. Super cool that they remembered that. It was nice to update them on how my life is, I feel like I made my parents proud to be doing well and being able to tell their best friends from a long time ago that their child is growing up and doing well. We went back to his sister's house and his sister's husband had a flight simulator that I got to try out. So I got to practice taking off and landing and surprise surprise landing even in a flight. Sim is still very fucking difficult for me! We got to talking about life and careers and flying and all that jazz and then today being Saturday. I guess, I met with them at the coffee shop before they left and took some pictures and then they left and I hope they come back because we can go fishing and they've always been loving and caring people for me. What else happened? Friday was pretty boring. I literally just worked and went straight to going to hang out with them and then I was there till one in the morning. Came home and immediately slept. Today was fairly boring as well. I woke up at about 8:00 late in bed till like 11:00 playing Monopoly and exercising. My addiction to adult content online. Got a fresh cut at like two. Pestered Danny to play. Call of duty but he had a date with his wife so that didn't work. Actually just messaged him a few minutes ago and I'm getting no response so it's safe to say we're not going to be able to have our schedule Call of duty session today, which kind of sucks because that was kind of the highlight of my week. I'd say it's mainly my fault since I had to do this housewarming thing. Hopefully tomorrow will be able to hop on the sticks. After my haircut a showered and then I ended up going to the housewarming party for one of my buddies. My gym bae was there which was terrifying at first. But then felt very, very natural. I got a certain point. I kind of forgot who she was or how much I actually cared who she was and I paid more attention to my friends in the experience than being completely infatuated over her. It was cool. Then my cousin got to see her and he actually doesn't approve of her. Mainly because she's young and she's not ready for the type of growth in life that I'm looking for. And also he doesn't like her face. I think she's absolutely beautiful and gorgeous but that's just me. She is young though, and it does seem like she just wants fun right now, I don't know if that would be for me. I'm trying to grow. But it was cool to hang out with everyone, we started out with this like dirty sex game where you tell sex secrets to each other which was weird to do with a few co-workers and random people. But it ended up being really fun. I had some really good conversation with one of my co-workers Xavier . The food there smelled absolutely amazing. 00 which made life super difficult since I was fasting. Still, I even had someone hold a chip with the sauce on it to my nose. Trying to get me to give in and I couldn't. Couldn't. I want to get over this fast more than I want to eat. Delicious food. On the way home, Gabriel lowered the sunroof during the thunderstorm so we just got rained on the whole way on the highway. What a surreal experience!

[whoslaurapalmer]

fic ask meme: 4, 5, 29

4) how many wips do you have right now?

hmmmmm. tough call bc i have so many wips endlessly vibing somewhere that i would like to get to!! but right now i am really trying to work on planning out college au but i feel weird saying just one wip???? especially because it is still just a plot wall!!! so

-college au. the thing about college au is that it takes a lot of laser focus and i can't work on much else at the same time bc i am trying to rewrite entire plotlines to work in a college setting and i have to try and keep everything together in my head without other work interference. -i have some little thoughts about lemonberry ice family times with the kids that i would like to make into just a fun little fic sometime soon -in terms of 'ones i'd sure like to get around sometime THIS YEAR,' sunny fic is also usually still very close to the surface of Fic Thoughts.

5) what's a fic idea you've had that you'll never write?

this is hard!!! because i want to write all of them!!!!!! i always want to!!!!!!! and even the ones i've said 'oh i won't do that' i've wound up writing lines for here and there, just to have a few things down, like the hamlet thing, my 1957 les girls fic, i've even got some lines for who fic around somewhere but i likely won't ever do more but even that exists, oh BUT

so i'm not writing naruto fic in this the year of our lord 2023 and i wasn't in then the year of our lord 2019 when i was struck by an idea but i will in fact not ever write this. i don't have the energy to naruto anymore. sometimes i wish i did bc i know almost exactly how i'd do this. but i do not. but i am occasionally soooooooooo irritated that no one has written like a...........good, post-og pre-shippuden fic about the genin and their lives after sasuke leaves and naruto goes to train with jiraiya, like just.......some good introspective character shit, not a lot of plot, one of those vibes fics with a nice song lyric title (which, would've been a lyric from one of the best naruto openings, what was it, opening......five? six?? oh it's six!!!! no boy no cry!!!!!!!!!!) with about like, ino being the only member of her team who didn't go after sasuke and having to watch shikamaru and choji come back and CHOJI ALMOST DIED, similarly tenten being the only member of her team who hasn't gone through a life and career threatening injury, i imagine shikamaru has to have nightmares given his emotional state after HIS FIRST MISSION AS A TEAM LEADER WHICH IS, I THINK, INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT AND VERY OVERLOOKED, and like, things about sakura being the only member of her team left in the village now (although i think there's some decent sakura-centric fics out there, but i want, more of all the genin, and them interacting with EACH OTHER) (i've watched a bit of boruto, like the more chill episodes, and the one where sakura says something like, "i just know, the people i was friends with when i was thirteen, they're still my friends now.'" and i think there's a lot overlooked too in the konoha nine/twelve/whatever friendships), just a lot of leaf village life stuff about the trauma these kids have gone through and like.......the ghosts they have to deal with, not just of sasuke but also naruto? even if they've left for different reasons? tsunade probably plays a big part in parts of the fic bc i think tsunade was sorely underused in canon as a character who could've LEGITIMATELY overturned the ninja system. i think the fics that focus on character and trauma and especially life in the leaf village are the most satisfying sort of naruto fic to read, for me. anyway.

29) Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

mayo, for you i must share my who fic lines, which, i don't think i've posted before?? as it turns out i have three little fic ideas?? the first one was My Very Intense Obsession With Letting Companions PILOT THE GODDAMN TARDIS, particularly rose

teach me how to do it, she does not ask, because he's definitely not going to tell her. the tardis is his, it's his thing, even if it should be their thing, but, so he won't, is what it is, not even if she asked. but she's not going to get stuck like that again, either, sent off with no way to get back to him. 

but rose isn't -- he tells her she's so clever, but it's not in the way it counts, is it? she watched the doctor pilot the tardis for, for however long it was before they were back on station 5, and when it mattered, when she needed to do it, she couldn't. and she should have, should have known which button to press, which lever to pull, which thing did what to get her back to him. she'd watched him do it and she couldn't, because she's not clever, not smart, she can't even pay attention right. fat lot of help she is. 

this is...............i think this is about ten, trying to i guess justify ten falling in love at the drop of a hat and specifically inviting them on the tardis which was occasionally in my humble onion not necessarily great but i could get behind it from this standpoint. it's a little repetitive i think bc i was feeling out the vibes

[but he falls just a little bit in love with everyone, doesn't he. how could he not? bright, beautiful people, stupid impossible terrible people, living their stupid impossible lives, impossible boring beautiful little lives, things mean so much to them, so many souls burning with this insistence to live, to help, to be. so important, each and every one of them, just by being lucky enough to be here, now, where they were. how could he not fall in love with a piece of each one? how could he -- how could he not want to hold them all so close to him where he could always see it, where he could always have them?]

i think i've said this before. we all know i want a peaks-style ten+tentoo doppelgangery identity confrontation. in, apparently, second person??

[you are no stranger to seeing yourself -- you've seen plenty of the previous yous, and, on some level, this is really no different, isn't it? if you want, you can think about that you as another one of them, a lesser version of this you, younger, not quite as -- well, good is not at all the word. but this one is just more you than looking at your past, because you are looking at you, this you, the current you, separate and alive and still you.]

[platinumdragonchaos]

Well, it's been a crazy month. Hard to believe it's almost December and only a handful of weeks until 2023. Time is strange. I really do try and "stop to smell the roses" but things still have a way of flying by so fast that it feels like a blink regardless of what's going on. I suppose that's just how things go and a quote I heard long ago about how "life is like a roll of toilet paper as the closer to get to the end the faster it goes" is always kinda in my mind but having dealt with the death of a loved one recently I guess I can't help but think about it more than usual. It's a tough thing and we all deal with it but it hit me really hard.

Grieving is a process, a long one. When you're used to someone being around every day for so long, at least 12 years (not sure exactly, but what is a year or two when you're talking at least a dozen?) it takes some adjustment when they are no longer around. It's something that will just sort of hit me randomly and it hurts but it gets a little better every day. In many ways it's even harder than dealing with a human death...my list of loved ones has always been kinda short and it's not like I don't have friends but it sadly IS a short list and losing even one, a BIG one is really hard. You really can't replace that...

But speaking of friends, I saw some very old ones at a bar Saturday. I went there with some other friends to see a band play and they were just there hanging out. It had been years since I saw any of them and it was good to catch up a little and at least throw the idea around of hanging out again sometime in the future. It also made me very nostalgic for the past. So many good times and these are real and high quality people, which are in my world are very hard to find these days.

Those were some fun times and though I still have them it's a lot rarer and it's just harder in general to get people together. Work schedules, weather, just being busy in general, we all have stuff we gotta do and there are only so many hours in a day/week/etc, esp for those with spouses and or kids. That's part of getting older but it sucks when you just want a bit of companionship and have a few hours after a long week to really decompress but everyone is doing other things.

The pandemic didn't help that AT ALL, obviously and sometimes I still feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time but in the end I have fun when I can and even though it's generally something pretty simple, like having a fire in the woods or playing cards with a few people, it really is the people you care about and that care about you that makes the journey worth taking.

Also music. I listened to hours and hours over the weekend. Having a nice buzz and listening to some tunes is how I generally end my night after hanging out and this long weekend was no exception. A nice family meal Thursday, playing games and such Friday and then going out Saturday. Can't really ask for more than that.

In fact, the only real blemish was Ohio State looking terrible during the most important game of the year and totally choking. I can't believe they've let Michigan beat them two years in a row now. In the end it's just a silly game and I'm no huge sports nut but to have the season end like that is kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, to cycle back to the beginning, it's been a tough month. There were a lot of days I did not feel good at ALL, separated by a few weekends when I actually got to do something with some people and maybe get out of the house for a bit. That's all understandable but it just made everything a blur. The weekdays def weren't worth remembering and melded right into the weekends, and time always flies when you are having fun and then boom, it's back to Monday and starting all over again.

It's been a strange blend of bliss and misery, very polar. Having days when your heart hurts and everything feels so heavy, then times when you're laughing and feeling good. Life is often like that I suppose, esp when dealing with the trauma of death but it's also sorta hard being pulled in that many different directions in such a short time. Not to mention the weather, which for Nov around here hasn't been all that bad but we've had nice warm days with sunshine mixed in with cold and snow so it's just one more thing that's been a little crazy in the mix of it all. Very exhausting.

I'm so thankful for my friends. If not for them being around some lately I dunno that I'd be feeling okay. It's also good to remember that even if years pass, people that you're important to will still have open arms. Times are tough all over and we're all feeling a lot of strain with various things and I've had more on my plate than usual but I'm still trying to remain positive and it's a lot easier when you know some people truly do care, even if most others don't.

So yeah, it was a good Thanksgiving weekend, I prob said some silly things that made people shake their heads but that's not so unusual for me and hey, I think I have a good excuse to be a little crazier than usual. In the end I'm doing all you can really do - you endure the hard times and enjoy the good ones - but damn, I just wish the good ones didn't go by so quickly. I'd love to be able to wake up and have it be Thanksgiving again and do it all over, probably pretty much the same as I did because it was good for me, mentally especially, to be able to focus on the really important things in life. Family, food, friends, fun, etc. I'm well aware that not every day is gonna be amazing and I try to make the most out of all of them regardless, but I feel like it was just what I needed.

I'll still feel sad and lonely at times, and some weekdays will be extra boring and I won't have anyone to talk to and the weekends might be too if people are too busy to hang but I wanna end this year on a decent note so I'm just gonna take it all one day at a time.