#but they’re just a little less technically skilled than the third guy

[h0neyfreak]

Choosing a wedding photographer was easily top ten most stressful decisions about how to spend a lot of money on account of all wedding photographers being talented and friendly and fun to talk to and my crippling inability to let people down or reject them. I kind of assumed there would be one natural choice but then there were two and I was ready to call off the whole wedding and fake my death.

[scandalsavagefanfic]

Hello! I am a huge fan of ur writing. I've loved everything I've read of yours. I've read alot of what you've posted, except for a couple of the tags that are squicky for me (so I'm very thankful you tag very thoroughly). No judgement for the squick, it's just not for me. & when I'm having a bad day, I usually just go thru ur ao3 and find something to reread. I think about Therapy's Bruce & Jason every damn day. While I obvs appreciate ur darker more "problematic" content (I really vibe with some of the themes you write about bc of my own trauma, & so it's very cathartic to read about in a fictional setting), I am truly a sucker for ur more happy content. The Happily Ever After verse also lives in my head rent free. Idk more wholesome stuff just seems more special when you write it. Anyways. I would die for you. But the point of this ask is cause I'm curious as to why you don't like Urban Legends? I'm sorry if you already talked about it here or on twitter and I missed it. I was just wondering because I really enjoy your take on things and would love to hear why you dislike it. I've been enjoying it so far personally, but I am always open to DC comics criticism.

Aw thank you so much! I'm so flattered by everything you just said. You're so sweet ❤❤❤❤❤

I haven't talked about Urban Legends here or twitter (I haven't been very active in either place lately. Just a lot going on and no energy 😔) but I'm happy to do it here.

Before I start though, I just want to add a standard disclaimer and make it clear that if you like it, there's nothing wrong with that and you don't have to let me ruin it for you lol. Like what you like.

That said, since you asked...

I said this when I was talking about it on discord, that there is a difference between hope and expectation. I always hope that a new story centered on Jason (or anyone really, but things have been especially egregious for Jay for 15 years) will be good or at least treat the character with a minimal level of respect (to be honest, the bar is super fucking low). But my expectations always temper my hope, to keep it from getting unrealistic. Because my expectations are based on experience.

The long history of Jason Todd, since even before his resurrection, has been one of retroactively trying to make him "a bad seed" in order to absolve Bruce of any responsibility in his death.

I don't even expect DC or their writers to start honoring the fact that Jason was not an angry, reckless Robin (and less of the later than Dick or Tim and definitely Damian). There plenty of ways that retcon can be folded into his history and be compelling and sympathetic. And if they're going to stick with that retcon, I'm only asking that they do it in one of those compelling and sympathetic ways because Jason was 15 when he died, heroically, in one of the most selfless acts in comics, to save a woman who literally handed him over to be brutally murdered. He was 12 when Bruce plucked him off the streets, he'd been homeless and fending for himself for at least two years. I personally think that Jason's story hits harder for him and Bruce if their original, canon relationship, of Jason as starry-eyed and eager to learn and absolutely devoted to Bruce and Bruce to Jason, is preserved. But Jason's origins does leave room for a meaningful interpretation of him as angry and frustrated at the lack of meaningful results of Bruce's methods.

And that's really where my irritation at stories like Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer and Batman The Adventure Continues has it's roots.

Every time one of these stories comes out, I think (or hope, rather) that this will be the one that remembers and respects the origins of the Jason and the Red Hood, that takes into account the changed sensibilities of comics readers in the 30 years since Jason's death and the subtle, 20 year, retroactive campaign to make him the "bad Robin". The "born bad" trope is played out and literally no one likes the message it implies. That some kids are just bad eggs and there's nothing parents or the adults around them can do. Especially when it's played as the kid's fault. If Jason's time as Robin is going to be characterized by anger, then it should be rooted in anger at the social injustices he witnessed as he grew up in an impoverished, crime-ridden, area and the horrors he faced raising himself when every day was a battle for survival. There are topical, meaningful, stories to tell with that backdrop.

But those are never the stories we get.

⚠⚠ Spoilers for Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer ⚠⚠

I'm particularly disappointed in Urban Legends because for the first issue, it looked like that was the kind of story we were going to get. I was put off by the first flashback of Jason being mesmerized by Bruce's guns, and I got that feeling in my gut that it was a bad sign. Jason depicted as impatient and overconfident and the scene with the guns is heavy-handed foreshadowing that got my spidey-sense tingling. I had a inkling then (in the first three pages) of how this story was going to play out, but it was early and I could still see many narrative paths that could lead to a satisfying story. My concerns were soothed somewhat and the little flame of my hope fanned, with the flashback of Alfred scolding Bruce, with Barbara's concern for Jason. A bit of worry returned with the way Jason ruthlessly pursued an addict who didn't appear to be a dealer and with the ending of the issue. The stuff with the addict sat wrong with me but the ending was tempered some by how despicable Tyler's dad was written. The scene was clearly set so that the reader could sympathize with Jason's decision and the scene with the addict could be brushed aside as a side-effect of comics over-the-top need for constant action, so I still held hope.

Issue 2 made me uncomfortable and it's where my hope starts to take a backseat to my expectations. I can dismiss Jason's self-deprecating internal monologue as unreliable narration, except that the flashback reinforces his thought process to explicitly show that it's not unreliable narration, and should be taken at face value. Jason faces physical abuse at the hands of his mother's drug dealer and when the flashback continues later, Jason kills the drug dealer. To be clear, this is a pre-Bruce Jason. His mom is still alive. He's like... 10. He kills this guy for shoving his head into a wall and implying Jason's mother paid for her drugs with sex. This is a scene that serves a single purpose. To show that Jason has always been prone to violence.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there is the small chance the drug dealer might not be dead. But the story obviously wants the reader to think he is, and it hasn't done anything to change that yet.

Starlin already did this story with The Diplomat’s Son in 1988 and he did it infinitely better. AND that’s still technically canon. So now I’m supposed to believe that Jason lost his cool bad enough to kill two douche bags before his sweet 16? Like it’s totally normal for abused kids raised in poverty, who’ve led hard and heartbreaking lives to just... haul off and kill people? That’s bullshit, and when taken with the Jason in the third issue, who is little more than an idiot thug, this story is really doubling down on some fucked up stereotypes.

Which brings us to the most recent issue. I went into this installment with very low expectations. I thought this story was going to be about Jason, through this experience with Tyler, a young boy with a similar background to Jason's, coming to the realization that Bruce's way is the best way and that Bruce did his best by Jason.

That would be annoying (in no small part because it takes increasingly absurd levels of plot armor to keep Bruce's no kill rule relevant, let alone irrefutably right). But I can probably live with that, if only because maybe if Jason officially falls back into line with the Bats crusade, maybe I'll get stories that treat him with respect, stories that don't relegate him to comic relief, dumb brute, or a background body with no lines in a story about the Joker burning Gotham (like Jason would just fucking stand there quietly for that).

And that may still be where the story is going, Jason realizing Bruce is right.

But holy shit do I not have the right words to describe how fucking insulting and gross issue three is.

From start to finish--including the flashback--Jason is written as cruel and fucking stupid. Like straight up dumb.

The entire issue is Bruce explaining the fucking basics to Jason like it's his first day. And Jason flies off the fucking handle and terrorizes a doctor he knows isn't a part of making the Cheerdrops, beats the shit out of some random addicts, and finally, when he can't accomplish anything on his own because he's a dumb brute he calls Barbara for help and rushes in with no information where he's promptly incapacitated and must now wait to be rescued by Batman.

This panel is the least of the issues sins but I can’t screenshot the entire story but it’s representative of the tone for the whole issue (and retroactively tainted the prior two issues).

This is beyond insulting. The only conclusions Jason comes to in this issue are the ones Bruce leads him to by talking to him like he can’t make the simplest connections. And like... in this story Jason can’t make the simplest connections.

This (and the Jason throughout the entirety of this issue) is a far cry from the Jason we fell in love with in Under the Red Hood, who was competent and strategic and intelligent enough to seize control of Gotham’s underworld from Black Mask (who’s no fucking slouch, he’s the first and only person to unify organized crime in Gotham) AND elude and manipulate Bruce until the time and place of his choosing.

This is a far cry from even the Red Hood and the Outlaws Jason who is competent enough to fight the League of Shadows and Ra’s al Ghul (among very dangerous and skilled others) and smart enough to create antidotes for mind control nanotech viruses.

As he should be, by the way. Jason Todd is one of the best, most comprehensively trained fighters in DC’s stable of non powered vigilantes. He’s not irrational or hot headed. He’s pragmatic, tactically minded, and patient. He’s a detective. Right now. Has been since he was 12. Bruce doesn’t have to make him one because he already is. 

Jason is not a stupid thug who uses his fists because his brain doesn’t work. And I can’t tell you how so very exhausted I am by this narrative. 

This is actually the most egregious example of Jason’s skills and intelligence being not just undermined but dismissed entirely. Even Morrison’s Jason had some degree of competency. 

The one, single redeeming factor of this story is the art. It’s beautiful. And Marcus To is a godsend he seems to be one of only a couple of artists who remember that Jason was a child when he was Robin and I’m literally only buying this book because of him. 

Anyway, I’m sorry. I didn’t want that to come out so... um... passionately lol. I’m just very very tired. My intention with this isn’t to ruin it for you, if you like it, that’s fine. 

But this issue shot this story to the top of my "Vehemently Despise” list. 1) Batman: Urban Legends (Cheer), 2) Battle for the Cowl/Morrison’s Batman and Robin, 3) Batman The Adventure Continues.

I hope the next issues somehow salvage this dumpster fire. But I’m not expecting it.

(Damnit. That sounded harsh again. To reiterate, I’m not trying to judge anyone who enjoys it, I just personally hate it and you asked me why lol 😅)

[avaoracle]

Batfam Descriptions pt.1

Bruce "Because I'm Batman" Wayne: Has never moved on from his parents deaths, probably never will, copes by dressing up as a giant bat and pummeling people instead of just going to therapy. Smart as hell when it comes to everything but meaningful communication and how to handle interpersonal relationships, has the emotional bandwidth of a stale loaf of bread. -Is addicted to collecting dark haired orphans/near orphans/probably better off if one or both their parents were dead (lookin at you Talia) Loves all his kids- though he loves Cass most and it's totally obvious.

Dick "You can take the boy out of the circus but you can't take the circus out of the boy" Grayson: A guy who enjoys a pretty casual relationship with gravity for a guy who is technically only human. Pun master, 'third times a charm' older brother- turns out taking out bat daddy frustration on your first bro (largely from being fired from Robin and then replaced), and firing your second bro from Robin and then replacing him (with a demon child that tried to kill him) isn't something siblings appreciate, go figure- He cares though, one of the only bats at least somewhat capable of expressing his feelings with words and actions rather than just repressing them and brooding (Bruce).

Jason "Remember that time I died?" Todd: Angry zombie boy with daddy issues, mommy issues, batdaddy issues and crowbar issues...Really just issues, lots of issues, covers with inappropriate jokes about his own death that make everyone but Roy, Steph and Damien uncomfortable...actually mostly just Dick and Bruce are still bothered by it. Just wants to be loved and accepted for who he is, won't admit it but he still wants Bruce's approval but they're both to stubborn and communication challenged to actually have a productive conversation about their relationship and how to fix it-instead Jason antagonizes Bruce who misses that this is obviously Jason's cry for help/way of getting his attention because he just wants Bruce to love him- and instead somehow always manages to handle it in the worst way possible every single time (like beating him up).

Timothy "More espresso less depresso" Drake: One of the smartest people on the planet when it comes to everything but self care (and realizing his feelings for Kon...Like he tried to clone the guy back to life-that's not friendship love, that's love love). Literally runs on caffeine and spite, probably holds some world record for most shit done on the least amount of sleep. Terrifying badass master manipulator, could totally take over the world if he actually wanted to, probably has more contingency plans than even batman.

Cassandra *Stares directly into your soul* Cain-Wayne: Could beat up every member of the batfamily without even breaking a sweat and they all know it-literally one of the most skilled combatants on the planet. Is more fluent in body language than most people are in their native language. Is probably the only member of the batfam who actually knows how Bruce feels about her, really how he feels about all of them. Totally knows she's Bruce's favorite but isn't a Dick about it (pun fully intended- because before her he was the favorite and he was far less graceful about it)

Damien "You are all imbeciles" Wayne: Started out as a little turd with a massive superiority complex and mommy issues (and granddaddy issues) Is now somewhat less of a turd with worse mommy issues, batdaddy issues and a little less of a superiority complex...I think, he's had some humbling moments in the last few years, my favorite of which was when he started a fight with Jason and Jason kicked his ass into the next century. Still it's not fully his fault he is the way he is, he was raised as an assassin by an immortal lunatic and the world's worst mother (well she might have to arm wrestle Lady Shiva, Sheila Haywood and Shado for that title)

Duke "I'm part of this insanity too" Thomas: Only meta member of the batfam, which is a big deal. Patrols during the day because he's the only one not damaged enough to face sunlight. Probably the most well adjusted member of the family, maybe because he had good parents and didn't loose them until he was older than the others and thus did not spend his formative years with: a.Bruce-Wayne's-C-minus-Parenting, b.on the streets/with Batdad/ getting murdered because of birth mom's betrayal, c. alone in a mansion wayyyy to often by traveling parents/Bruce-Wayne's-D-minus-immediately-post-Jason's-death-parenting/coma-mom/finally-actively-parenting-basically-because-he's-paralyzed-and-his-wife-is-comatose-dad/the assassins trio, d.evil assassin dad who only had you to create the perfect solider and kept you from even learning to speak/Bruce-Wayne's-C-plus-Parenting/assassin mom who wants to kill you for being a better fighter than her, e.Talia, just everything about Talia/ Bruce-Wayne's-D-Plus-Parenting/Dick Grayson doing his best

[shorkbrian]

Prelude - Idek man I’m a sucker for a lil bondage. Reminder!!! Coercive sex, or any sex where there isn’t any consent, is no-no!!!!! that is rape you guys! this type of behavior where a respected authority figure takes is absolutely not cool under any circumstances. I can’t believe that this is something that I have to make clear, but I don’t condone any of these actions, nor do I support this behavior, or any behavior that’s similar.

Pairing - Aizawa X Reader

Warnings - NSFW (no penetration), noncon, dub con, fingering, abuse of power, 

Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/4TQcARE7Fd58akNhr3N7AE?si=ffl2jJviRAyVzK3QtU85Jg

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You’re a hero he’s being forced to work with, even though technically he isn’t supposed to have an agency, and technically, he’s supposed to work alone.

Apparently your superiors decided to ignore those two facts, practically dumping you on top of him the second school lets out.

You’re adorable, all fresh faced and young, full of hope and energy and everything that he’s not. Aizawa tries to get out of it, arguing with your superiors while you just stand there watching, but ultimately, he leaves with you trailing behind him.

Tonight, it would seem he’d be working with you.

The whole way downtown you talk his ear off, chattering just like Hizashi does when he’s extra nervous - except, you don’t seem to be nervous.

No, you’re excited, bragging about your accomplishments, your skills. How many villains you’ve turned in, how many civilians you’ve saved. Aizawa quickly gets irritated by your incessant yapping, how you sit there and boast about how good of a hero you are.

From what he can tell, you haven’t been a hero long.

There aren’t any noticeable scars on your form, and if there were, your flashy, skin-tight outfit would’ve exposed them, just like it’s exposing you. It’s impractical, illogical, leaving your skin open to cuts and burns and any other sort of attack.

Plus, it’s distracting. He figures it’s designed to get better ratings from male viewers, to get the videos of you rescuing civilians or taking down low-ranking villains more views. 

You don’t watch your surroundings as intently as Aizawa does - a woman sniffles in an alleyway as the two of you pass by, and Aizawa’s immediately on high alert at the sound, looking for potential traps or incoming enemies. You didn’t even register the sound. 

Thankfully, you’re not as loud as Hizashi, and when Aizawa holds his hand up to signal you to shut up, you do, immediately clamping you mouth shut with an audible click. At least you can follow orders.

You have no idea of stealth, footsteps falling heavy as you walk, swinging your arms jauntily and seemingly uncaring of who sees you. It makes Aizawa’s blood boil. You sit there, patting yourself on the back about what a good hero you are, yet you’re barely better than a bad sidekick. A sidekick Aizawa wouldn’t-doesn’t  want tagging along.

After the third time of you bumping into him after he’s stopped to listen to the sounds of the city, high on the rooftops, Aizawa wants to give you a pinch, scold you for not being ready for hero work, tell you the truth about your “skills” and how good of a hero you really are.

But he’s a patient man, and he knows how to calm his irritation by taking deep breaths. Lord knows his students test his resolve to resort to corporal punishment, so he should reign himself in from considering using it with you. Still, you’re an annoying, young little thing - excited and prideful, trying to show off to the older hero.

Aizawa can deal with it though, as long as he ignores your blunders.

The way you talk too much, how you don’t pay attention, the way you constantly bump into him because you haven’t realized he’s stopped in his tracks. You’re foolish.

It’s not until you almost push him off the edge of a building with your mindless blundering does Aizawa lose his patience.

The man rounds on you, blood pumping quick and fast in his heart from the adrenaline of teetering over the edge, feeling himself about to fall. He probably could’ve caught himself with his capture weapon, but what if he hadn’t? Your stupid mistake could’ve cost him his life, his career.

It takes him less than a second to have your wrists tangled up in his capture weapon, dragging you towards him so he can tower over you, fisting a hand in your hair.

“You’re a shitty hero.” Is all he says, pushing you to the side. Aizawa knows that will sting more than anything else he could say - it’s obvious that you look up to the older man. He wouldn’t put it past you to be the one who begged your agency to dump you on him for the night, so you could talk to him, learn some trade secrets, gush to your little hero friends how you were “trained” by Eraserhead himself.

He’s expecting you to be indignant, to try and argue your case. What he’s not expecting, is for you to attack him as soon as he retracts his capture weapon back onto his neck.

It’s almost laughable, how bad you are at fighting. He can hear you run at him, anticipates the first swing you take at his back, easily tucks forward and out of your reach. When he turns, you're standing there, chest heaving (Your suit really doesn’t leave anything to the imagination, does it? He wonders if it’s something your agency chose, or if it’s a personal preference) as you stare at him with a fire in your eyes.

“You have no right to say that to me.” You grind out, before running at him again.

Now that Aizawa can see you, it’s even easier to dodge your attack, ducking and blocking each punch or kick with ease. “I wouldn’t even want you for a sidekick. You’re sloppy-”

He jabs his fist into your side, and you let out a pained gasp.

“Poorly trained-”

A quick backhand across your face sends you reeling, and Aizawa sighs. He didn’t even put that much force behind it.

“Dangerously prideful-”

His capture weapon whips around your legs, tangling them and pulling them right out from under you. Aizawa moves to yours side, crouching by your head so he can see your eyes.

“And unfit to be a hero.”

You’re winded, but despite that, you thrash, infuriated by the words. You try to strike out at Aizawa, but you find yourself quickly wrapped up in his capture weapon, immobilized. 

“Instead of doing important work, trying to keep this city safe, I have to deal with an arrogant brat.”

Aizawa stands up, using his capture weapon to drag you to your feet as well. He takes less than a moment to stride to the edge of the building, pulling you along with him, making you stumble.

With a flick of his wrist, you’re leaning out over the edge, the only thing stopping you from falling being Aizawa’s capture weapon wrapped around your wrists, lacing over your chest, holding you back.

He hears you squeak in fear, watches you go completely still as he holds you there, lets you feel the fear of being dangled above the edge, flirting with the height.

“You saw how easy it was for me to subdue you, how easily you yielded. How do you even beat villains?” Aizawa clicked his tongue. “I’m worried about the future of this city if you’re what we have to offer in terms of a hero.”

You tensed up, obviously hurt by the words. Aizawa felt no remorse - he truly was disquieted when faced with the knowledge that people like you were the next generation of peace-keepers.

With a jerk jerk, you were yanked away from the edge, landing on your butt, air whooshing out of your lungs in a gasp. Aizawa crouched down behind you, leaning close, letting you feel the heat of his body.

“Do you know what would happen if a villain had you tied up like this?”

You quickly shook your head, silent. Aizawa almost wanted to laugh, how were you this naive? 

He let his hands rest on your shoulders, let them slowly slide down to your exposed collarbones, further, down to the tops of your breasts.

“Stop... please...” You whispered, frozen.

Aizawa huffed. “A villain wouldn’t stop. You’d be powerless against one. I doubt the “villains” you’ve been taking down could even be classified as such.” 

He let his hands drop even further, until he could feel the weight of your breasts in his hands, thinly covered by your costume.

“Let me guess, they’ve all been petty criminals? Bicycle thieves... pickpockets... People who accidentally let the parking meter run out?” He chuckled.

Aizawa kneaded your tits, the warm flesh pliant, soft, delicious. Your nipples were hardening under his touch, pressing against your suit, peaking into solid shapes against your chest. He let his touch focus on them, rolling and pinching the little buds until you were whining beneath his hands, squirming in discomfort as he played with your tits.

“A real villain would have so much fun with you. You’d be so easy, so effortless to hold down. They could do whatever they wanted to you.” He purred into your ear.

You relaxed when Aizawa pulled his hands away, stood up to circle around to your front. You thought he was done, thought he would let you free from his capture weapon. You thought wrong. 

The man sat down in front of you, leaning back easily onto his ankles. You were quickly pulled into his lap, crying out at the way he jerked you closer to him, until your fronts were pressed together, until he was pinching and massaging your plump rear.

“What a shame, loosing an untrained hero to a villain. If you’re really unlucky, they won’t kill you once they’re finished with your body.” Aizawa watched you shiver. “No, they’ll keep you alive, and in the clutches of evil men? that’s much, much worse than death.”

Your suit exposed your legs, had a short, flashy skirt that barely covered your ass. Underneath, a flimsy leotard protected your modesty, easily pulled to the side.

A panicked whine tore from your lungs as you felt Aizawa’s thick finger ghost along your folds, rubbing the delicate flesh, acquainting himself with the feel of a tender young body. 

The hand on your ass was still groping, squeezing and pulling you impossibly closer, until you have to turn your face to the side, chin hooking over the man’s shoulder. Aizawa nuzzled your neck, breathing in the subtle scent that covered your body, some type of perfume, a scent he couldn’t place, but pleasant nonetheless. 

When he felt wetness slowly beginning to seep from your cunt, Aizawa grinned, rolling his eyes. You would be eaten up by a villain, completely destroyed. 

He slipped his pointer finger inside, circling his thumb against your clit as he did so, shushing your frightened noises at the unexpected intrusion.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if a villain targeted you. With a costume like this? Your obvious inexperience? The way you boast and brag about what a big girl you are, how proficient you are at taking down big, bad criminals?”

Another finger slipped inside, stretching you wide. You were so warm, so soft, squeezing his fingers like you were trying to suck him in. It was almost like your pussy was desperate for more, aching for something bigger. 

But Aizawa had standards, morals. He just wanted to scare you a bit, not ruin you completely. 

With two fingers inside of you, he stroked along your velvety walls, searching for the special little spot he knew would make you squeal. You were trembling, draped against his body like a rag doll, hips twitching ever so slightly when he did something you liked.

He tapped your clit again with his thumb, and you stifled a moan. Aizawa resisted the urge to smile; you were so easy.

As his fingers explored your cunt, probing and stretching and scissoring you open, he let his lips attach onto your neck. He could let himself indulge a little - after all, your agency had insisted you come along, even after he told them no.

With a shrill cry, you bucked into his hand, trying to press your hips down further. Aizawa hooked his fingers again, pressing down on the spot he had just rubbed with his fingers, and you yelped again, rocking down, fucking yourself against his thick digits.

He found it.

Starting slowly, the man began fingerfucking you, making sure to hit the spongy, sensitive spot that had you moaning and crying, shaking in his arms.

He found himself quickly loosing patience, especially with the way you wiggled and fidgeted in his lap, trying to chase the sensation his fingers provided.

With no warning (not that he’d given you one once throughout this experience), Aizawa went from his slow, gentle pace, to one that made his forearm flex, one that made your back arch and your toes curl in those impractical, stupid high heels.

You were quickly reduced to mush, able to do nothing but let Aizawa fuck you to tears with his fingers, driving you closer and closer to the edge. He could feel it, how you were almost there. You clenched down on his fingers, sweat shined across your skin, you were absolutely gushing with your creamy wetness, the liquid sliding down his hand and soaking into his pants.

Messy.

Another few quick, hard flicks of his wrist, and suddenly you were squirting, forcing his fingers out of your pussy, writhing from the stimulation. A stream of wet was forced out of you, spraying all over his pants, his hand, the concrete of the rooftop. 

Your legs shook with the force of it, eyes rolling back in your head. Aizawa knew  you were lost in pleasure, so far gone you couldn’t do much but moan and gurgle brokenly as you slowly came down from your orgasm.

He let you lean against him for a few moments longer, let you pant into his ear, felt your sweaty skin stick to his own. 

But he was tired, and he wanted to finish patrolling, and you were barely more than a nuisance, and he needed to find somewhere to jerk off.

He wasn’t a rapist, after all.

So with gentle hands, Aizawa untied you from his capture weapon, slowly sliding you off his lap and onto the ground. He gave you a few moments to collect yourself, rising to his feet to turn and give you privacy as you righted your costume, smoothed down your frazzled appearance, caught your breath.

He was so hard.

When you finally joined his side, you were meek, quiet, subdued. Aizawa barely glanced at you (If he did, he might do something he’d regret, not that he already hasn’t) before striding forward, moving with purpose towards the next roof top.

Hopefully, you’d learned your lesson, and wouldn’t run your mouth so much.

Hopefully, you’d train harder, try to strengthen your fighting style.

Hopefully, Aizawa found somewhere he could jerk off, before his primal urges coerced him into doing something more befitting of a villain.

If that happened, it wasn’t that big of a deal. It’s not like you would tell anyone.

[salamangreatsunlightwolf]

Masked Singer Season 5 Review

I haven’t gotten to talk about The Masked Singer here in awhile, but season 5 left me with a lot to talk about after seeing how it nosedived this show into being DEAD television by the end of it.

I’m going to put it all past a read more for you here, because I have over 18000 characters in me to talk about how bad of a season this was apparently. There are also some thoughts about Season 3, and Season 4 (which I skipped reviewing because of how uninteresting it was, but boy did it’s bad qualities have a huge impact on Season 5).

So before I get to dissecting season 5 of the Masked Singer, I have to go back to moments of season 3, and a whole lot of season 4. Season 3 is where we start to see the first inkling of bad tropes occur that persist through season 5 to make it worse. It introduces really obviously weak performances that get the performer to skate by when they shouldn't, leading to the biggest upset I have with the season. Kandi Burruss really shouldn't have won season 3 in my honest opinion. within her first 5 performances, she had two clear duds; her cover of Shout!, and her cover of Man, I Feel Like A Woman. Both were covers that had questionable energy (Shout! less so, but Woman was absolutely unenergetic compared to Twain's original vocal performance), and the latter had a key change to the accompaniment that didn't lend any favors to the energy or vibrancy of the cover. I also need to put into context that what I think is Night Angel's worst performance (Woman) somehow won her a face-off round in season 3 (a forgotten show element from the last two seasons? wowie). Obviously I can say that Jesse McCartney should have won season 3 (I just think he had more consistent performances and output throughout the season), but that's a bit off course. What I really want to get to with Burruss cover of Woman is that it's for all intents and purposes just a middling cover. We'll see these happen more in seasons 4 and 5, but they pan out to usually axing off the contestant. Barring the element of Burruss actually getting eliminated, this is pretty much the first notable Punt Song in terms of performance quality. I want to establish the concept of the Punt Song because it plays a larger role in season 4, and season 5. I also need to establish another trope that season 4 introduced which also cursed season 5, which is excusing bad performances. It panned out so much worse in 4 than in 5, but for 4's sake, Chloe Kim should have been out from her first week. Her performance of Big Girls Don't Cry was weak and mildly sobby, but to the panel it's "emotional", and "it's okay, I'm sure you'll do better next week :)". This performance beat out Wendy Williams cover of Native New Yorker. Was that a great cover by Wendy? No, not really. However, whereas Chloe was a weak, sobbing mess on her first swing at bat, Wendy was bringing the comedy and entertainment factor and should have been safe on that alone. This show failure here is especially notable because having comedic factor in an otherwise bad performance actually pans out successfully in season 5, which makes me question the judges consistency in evaluation from season to season (to be fair though, the judges are Robin Thicke, Ken Jeong, Jenny McCarthy Whalberg, and Nicole Scherzinger. They're already a collective 3/4 of a middling joke). The last part of Season 4 I want to bring up is the usage of the term "taking us to church" in regards to it not only being a cursed term by the end of season 5, but also being a poor reflection on the judges evaluation skills. Look, I get it, this is a Fox competition at the end of the day, so it's obviously hokey pseudo sentimental faux entertainment tailored for white audiences, but don't say someone "took you to church" and then immediately axe them off after that. Yeah, I'm gonna say it; LeAnn Rimes shouldn't have won season 4. Was she bad? No! I just think Taylor Dane was better than her during the week where they axed off Taylor, especially after the panel said that she "took them to church". What did Dane lose to you ask? a somehow more intimate cover of a Billie Eilish song. Is that a bad thing? No, in fact it was pretty good, but I don't think it was good enough to beat what was probably the best performance of season 4. ------------------------------------- Anyways, all of those ramblings from seasons 3 and 4 aside, I'm finally getting to season 5. Yes, I know it took me almost 4000 characters to get here, but I really wanted to go off for a minute and preface the bubbling layers of garbage from the previous seasons that contribute to season 5's flatlining quality out of the gate. If you think a bevy of Punt Songs and poor evaluation amped up another level are all that season 5 has wrong with it, then prepare yourself, because it only gets so much more gimmicky. --- So I'm going to go about this week by week because this show basically was committing sins weekly by this point. So week 1, I'm sorry, but yes, I know seeing Kermit the Frog come out of a snail costume was very : 0 worthy, but Kermit shouldn't have lost that week! His performance wasn't even bad! So what did Kermit lose to anyway? Danny Trejo doing a bad, borderline comedic cover of Wild Thing. You couldn't ask for a more "go home uncle Frank! You're drunk!" performance, but we got it. The judges saw more of a comedy factor in the performance than they needed to see, and let that slip by while they just left Kermit to take the fall. Already not off to a great start (especially since Trejo's character is part funny and part cringey for basically pining after Jenny all season). --- Week 2 is where we get to the first big problem I have with this season, which is letting problematic celebrities be contestants. I'm just going to skirt by Caitlyn Jenner's performance and say that it was maybe a punt song, but to be fair, I don't have high hopes for Jenner having any real vocal prowess. I mean, her cover of Tik Tok sounded like your unamused uncle singing it during karaoke at a family party you barely remember when you were 12. That aside, I just want to point out that Caitlyn Jenner was on this show, immediately lost her first round, then went off to do Caitlyn Jenner things this year like try to become governor of California, and whatever else I forgot she got into the headlines for this week. I don't know the worst representation of a trans woman as a public figure (speaking from a trans woman's perspective) getting this big of a "haha, hehe, hi chum : )" spotlight on national television after everything she's done. Barf me out. --- Week 3 didn't matter too much. Trejo finally got booted after a second performance with bad vocals. However, I want to bring up week 3 for the structural change that it brought to the season that ultimately robbed it of some value. Prior to this season, we had 3 groups in seasons 3 and 4, groups A B and C. Starting in 5, we only have a group A and a group B, but now we have "wild cards". These are performers that get to slot into a groups set of performances for the week and stack against them to make even a "just-safe" performer look cannable. I know what you're probably thinking. "In a show where we're trying to see the gradual performance growth of a performer in order to gauge their consistency and quality, doesn't allowing a performer to come in weeks into the show give them the opportunity to progress further along in the competition with little to the no evaluation?" Yes. It does give them the opportunity, but we'll get to that problem when we get to Omarion's character of The Yeti. For right now though, I'm just going to say this. The wild card group really didn't have any reason to exist if they show could get literally 1 more performer this season (which they technically did). A and B were 5 members each. There are 4 wild cards. All you needed was literally one more regular performer, and the wild cards could have just been group C. This feels like the kind of resource scalping covered up as a fun gimmick that only a large corporation could do for why we have wild cards instead of a group C, but that's where we stand. --- Week 4 is notable for the same reason as week 2. Ugh, do I really have to say it? Yes, Logan Paul was also on this season of the Masked Singer. Yes, one of the problematic Paul brothers. Yes, especially my least favorite one because he's a big reason as to why my hobby of trading cards has had a huge boom for the worse. Yes, I'm going to blame the rise in scalper culture on Logan Paul. Yes, I'm going to blame eBay getting more anal about how every TCG single should be PSA/CCG/etc. graded on a listing on Logan Paul. I just don't like the guy. Why is he here? --- Week 5 is where this show starts to cement itself as dead television. So for those unaware, Nick Cannon, who usually hosts the Masked Singer, was absent for the first third of this season. Filling in for him was Niecy Nash. So where was Nick you ask? Why as a wildcard of course! Nick's wildcard performance was pretty meh all things considered (the only other thing that was meh that week was Nick Lachey's cover of 7 Years, but that's less on him and more on how 7 years is just a bad song for the pop music lexicon). However, Nick's unmasking is where the show really starts to be dead television this season. Before I even get to that, I just want to point out that the costume for Nick Cannon's character just looks absolutely atrocious by season 5 standards. The costume for the Bulldog barely looks like it holds to the standards of season 1 of this show! Anyways, back on track. Nick Cannon decides to pull a "trick" from season 4. Back in season 4, Mickey Rourke forcibly unmasked himself instead of getting voted off. Here, Nick Cannon pops in as a wildcard contestant after being MIA for 4 weeks, just to give a meh performance and then forcibly unmask himself for "shock value", and then be like "hey guys! :D" and resume hosting the show the following week. Eat me. --- Week 6 isn't too notable besides the fact that somehow one of the previous wildcards (Mark McGrath as Orca) somehow go integrated into group A as a member during the same week of them introducing another wildcard, Omarion's "The Yeti". I only bring this up because if they're going to integrate two wildcards into a week and already remove the specialty factor from one of them, then what was even the point of the gimmick? The show would have been better off mix and matching members from groups A and B each week for the performance lineup instead of muddying the group lineups with wildcard characters like this. --- Week 7 is upsetting to me. Two hour special. 8 Performances. Two people out. And who you may ask? Why, wildcard from previous weeks Bobby Brown who was given a super obvious punt song (that he did pretty well on salvaging on the back half of the performance), and Tamera Mowry, who gave a solid pop performance that week. I only bring up Mowry's performance because during that same week, Nick Lachey gave us all a very underwhelming, overly clean performance of Foo Fighters "The Pretender". This is really upsetting because the judge evaluation is extremely suspect here, as they were giving Mowry plenty of legitimate praise, while all they gave Lachey was "wow that was solid. haha ur such a rocker :^)". It's just really upsetting to see how the judges evaluation pans out, because for the record, Lachey won this season, and I honestly think he should have been punted this week. This is also coming from a week where Omarion gave us a cover of Justin Bieber's "Lonely", which is another song I hope desperately leaves the pop music lexicon, because like 7 years, it's a sentimental white boy ballad that just doesn't authentically resonate. --- Week 8 isn't super notable besides the show giving Tyrese Gibson a super obvious punt song, and wow, who would have guessed it, Tyrese Gibson was eliminated that week after being given a super obvious punt song. Zzz. --- Week 9 isn't super notable besides another upset to me. So this week, Hanson (who got eliminated) gave a pretty solid performance of "I'm Still Standing". So what did they lose to you ask? How about Jojo giving us a cover of Ed Sheeran's "Thinking Out Loud" with extremely questionable instrumental accompaniment. I can't remember exactly how I articulated it when I first watched it, but to put it in perspective, when LeAnn Rimes aimed for art, she succeeded. When Jojo aimed for art, it just left me confused. I honestly though Jojo should have gotten the boot here, but c'est la vie. --- Week 10 is where Omarion gets eliminated after being given a punt song (surprise). A middle energy performance of "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang isn't much to write home about, but I sometimes get suspicious of the behind the curtain politics of the show. The same week they give Omarion a super obvious punt song is also the second week in a row where Jojo gives us an artsy take on a song that nobody really knows. I'm not saying that Omarion's repertoire coordinator forced him into taking a punt song that week in order to let Jojo get to the finale, but. Wait, no, nevermind, that is what I'm saying. I feel bad for Omarion here. I do think it's pretty bollocks that Omarion basically got to come into the top 8 playoffs off of only one performance (which is a severe abuse of the wild card mechanic from the show producers), but they actually were trying to go for this neat character arc with the character of the "The Yeti" in the song choice. Like, the writers actually put some care into it, and then they give him a punt song on both a writing and performance level, and it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I also just remembered that week 10 is where Donnie Whalberg's character of Cluedle-Doo both performs and unmasks. Cluedle-Doo was another dead television gimmick for the season. See, all the characters get clue packages, but Cluedle-Doo will come in and block certain clues from being revealed to the judges, instead replacing them with clues provided by Doo himself. If that sounds annoying, that's because it is. More so when done by a character pompous attitude that does nothing but interfere. I do want to point out however that when I say that Donne performed, Donnie PERFORMED. There are no two ways about it, Donnie's cover of Return of the Mack was the best performance of this week. The only thing that even came close was the Chameleon. I don't need middling Kool & The Gang covers, I don't need art performances of songs I've never heard, and I don't need a Lewis Capaldi cover done by Nick Lachey (so much emotional white boy music this season. Gag me). I really think that Donnie should have been a regular contest, and I think that Nick Cannon should have been Cluedle-Doo as a gimmick character. It's more obvious, and it makes more sense. Obviously this leaves characters to create and fill slots for, but damnit, don't tease me with one of the best performances of the season just to let it whittle out like that. --- Alright, Week 11...the finale. There really isn't much to say, so I'm just going to cut right to it. I don't know what that cover of "Faithfully" Nick Lachey gave us was. There's an obvious problem with the Masked Singer where the short performance time makes slow burn ballads like faithfully translate poorly. As a result, the emotional arc of the performance feels stunted, and it's capped off with a declaration fest ending in one sustained note for "wow, I don't know anything about a good performance, but I'm easily impressed : 0" bait. This is clearly the weakest performance from the three tonight. Jojo's cover of "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" by Michael Bolton is...better than what Nick Lachey gave us, but it has its own problems. The Bolton original earworms on you because of the anguish in Bolton's vocal tone. Jojo is too clean to give us even a smidge of anguish until after she's unmasked. That more forgivable though. I'm not going to forgive Jojo for littering an emotional ballad for multiple unnecessary pop diva vocal runs. They're not appropriate here for emotional flavor. They don't add anything musically. They just feel like a forced device from the executives perspective. They stand out in poor musical taste, and they really take away from what Jojo was trying to do in the chorus. Speaking of, the short form nature of the performances makes doing a double chorus with a key change from one chorus to the next feel like another arc stunt. Just bad direction right there. And finally, Wiz Khalifa as the Chameleon doing Gangsta's Paradise. I'm just gonna say it. Wiz Khalifa got robbed. Hip Hop performers tend to be pretty middling on the Masked Singer, with Bow Wow just beefing it at the end of season 3, and Busta Rhymes being unceremoniously eliminated week 1 of season 4. Wiz was different though. Wiz knew what he wanted to do with not only the character, but also with his performances. Chameleon was by far the most consistent and quality character of the season, with only one marginally middling performance during his run. Wiz's cover of Gangsta's Paradise isn't a masterclass in voice personality, but contextually for the show, it pushed more for what the character was trying to do right at the end where it counts, and the judges failed to evaluate that correctly. Wiz was actually doing sung parts that week. Wiz was engaging with the crowd and judges far more than Jojo and Nick were. Wiz even gave stage presence and his musical presence a real arc in this performance. On top of his already present cool swagger that he had on stage, this was easily the best performance of not only the finale, but also for the Chameleon. It's even up there for the best performances of the season. Giving Wiz third place for two C tier pop ballad performances shows a super evident lack of evaluation skills in the judges, and really reinforces the super obvious ballad bias the show has. --- So anyways, this has been a long one, but I think I got it all out there. Masked Singer season 5 really took the uninteresting quality level of Season 4 and just elevated it to being obvious and gimmicky on top of that. I've seen shows become dead television in my time, but this is a staggering nose dive into the realm of dead television. I "hope" Season 6 is "better" than this (if we even get one. This season might have been so gimmicky because the ratings could have sucked hard), but I'm certain it will be if this is the direction they opted for within just one season. Sorry to talk your ear off, but as someone who likes to think they know what good musical performance is in a context like this after being in many concerts in popular music contexts, this show has really not sustained itself as being "it", chief.

[radramblog]

Album Discussion- The Fall of Troy

Last week I discussed an album that, more or less, was defined by looseness and empty spaces. This might as well be the polar opposite of that.

(man no-one seems to have uploaded this album art in high res)

Released in 2003, The Fall of Troy is a self-titled mathcore/post-hardcore/screamo debut album made by 3 17 year olds- and in some ways that shows, but it’s not like they were fresh, they’d had two EPs under a different name by that point. The Fall of Troy is probably best known by their song F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X., having been featured as a bonus track in Guitar Hero III, which is notably, not on this album. Rather, their second album, Doppelganger, had a few tracks that were basically retakes of songs from this first album. But we’re not talking about Doppelganger (and I still can’t find a bloody CD of it), we’re talking about The Fall of Troy, by The Fall of Troy, so let’s bloody well dive in.

The first song on here, Rockstar Nailbomb!, is as much a statement of intent as anything I’ve ever seen. It’s starts with hoarsely screamed, incomprehensible vocals over a frenetic set of guitar riffs, that cuts back into a more traditional song structure, you know, after a bit. Like any good opener, it’s introducing what you’re going to be getting from the album- songs that, while extremely energetic, tend to cut between sung vocals and screamed ones at a moment’s notice, complex and overlapping guitar riffs, and a very deliberately unpolished sound. The technical skill on display is incredible considering the age of the band, as well. For such a short song, Rockstar Nailbomb! goes in some real places, closing with a line that would be appropriate to finish off the album as a whole- but of course, we’re just getting started.

The next song is called Spartacus, and it shows off the talent of the drummer in a way that the previous didn’t. Unfortunately, I almost feel like this song was kind of a half-formed idea, considering it’s a minute and a quarter long, and the…squeal…? Near the end is kind of offputting. A mid one.

Oh boy it wouldn’t be a nerd band without ridiculous track names- next up is The Circus That Has Brought Us Back to These Nights (Yo Chocola), and no I don’t fucking know what that means. This one ironically feels the most like a song than the others before it, a slightly more traditional structure, the screaming and singing vocals forming something of a call-and-response that would probably make more sense if I could understand the lyrics half the time. Despite this, it’s no less speedy, frantic, and intricate, mixes between melody and dissonance that are basically the band’s signature.

The fourth track is named Mouths Like Sidewinder Missiles, and it’s one of my favourite tracks on the album. I can’t really describe why, though, so I’m going to take a minute to talk about something else. See, this is one of the tracks that was redone for Doppelganger, and on Spotify, for whatever reason, has the title misspelled “Misssiles”. I let them know about this years ago and they never fixed it, so I guess this is my callout post. For what it’s worth, I think the Doppelganger version is a bit looser, adding in some elements in the empty space (there’s a reverb after the initial riff I really love), but both have their own merits.

Okay, mild rant over, back to regular old rambling. The next track is The Last March of the Ents, Lord of the Rings reference very much intended. This is one of those tracks I always forgets exists to be honest, like the intro started and I was like…what was this one again? And then the bit at like 50 seconds came in and I remembered everything. That section is honestly really strong, though unfortunately the rest of the track kinda feels just like Mouths like Sidewinder Missiles, but like, slightly worse? Which is especially awkward considering it immediately proceeds that song. I will say the part of the song where it slows alllll the way down is really enjoyable, it’s very gradual and smooth, gives the bass a bit of time to shine, before blowing back up again because these guys just can’t bear to play slow for half a minute.

The next track is F.C.P.S.I.T.S.G.E.P.G.E.P.G.E.P. This is the song that their most popular track, F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X. is a version of, and they’ve never actually stated what the acronym is for. A common (and I believe discredited) suggestion is, and I quote, “Fuck condoms, premarital sex is the shit, get ‘er pregnant get ‘er pregnant get ‘er pregnant”, which is A Take. It also has nothing to do with the lyrics of the song itself. This track is actually by far the loosest and slowest on the album completely, appropriate considering it’s first words are “slow down”. There’s really not a lot of screaming on it, left only to the chorus, and they’re actually understandable which is nice (or maybe it’s just because I know it’s “come running home”). This is undoubtedly an emo track, based on the lyrics, but it’s also just kind of excellent, similarly complex lyrics slowed down to a comprehensible tempo and a bridge that builds in a supremely satisfying manner. The comparison to R.E.M.I.X. is of course, inevitable, and I will say the tightening up did help in some places- the very slow section at the latter part of the song probably doesn’t need to go that long, and that’s easily the part that gets sped up most in the redo. Still, the song stands out very naturally, feeling more thoughtful and controlled than its peers.

The next song is titled “Whacko Jacko Steals The Elephant Man’s Bones”, apparently a reference to…a music video where Michael Jackson danced next to a recreation of the skeleton of a famously deformed man. Yeah, ok, sure. I don’t actually have much to say about this one, it’s very scream-led, but doesn’t really stand out to me apart from the naming. It’s play rating supports this, being the second least listened track here, but it’s by no means bad. It’s just kinda long and as generic as something like this can be, I suppose. Honestly I kinda forgot all the directions this goes, some of these sections are really quite excellent, but the song is probably like 2 minutes longer than it needed to be. I’m just saying. Like I kept waiting for this song to try and change my mind and it kinda just didn’t.

Reassurance Rests in the Sea is up next, and god that little riff it’s building around, that just noodles around but at triple speed, is just so sick. It’s a song that spends a lot more time cutting itself down- like F.C.P.etc. it’s looser and slower, but substantially more disjointed than that one is. This song, uh, completely breaks off like two minutes in and just stops. And becomes a different song. Like, I don’t think this is a bonus track or anything, it’s just a part of the same song. And that second half is a really sort of chill (for this album) instrumental, lead by a bassline that slowly gets more riffs over the top of it. And then that bit stops itself, and the main song returns again for like the final half a minute or so. And honestly I was just like, wait, no, go back…….

The actual least listened to track on the album is number 9, The Adventures of Allan Gordon (it’s apparently about a book). Honestly, I’d kinda love to hear this live, because the first minute or so of it is the kind of thing you’d play as an interstitial to keep the audience going while you get your shit ready for the next song. Eventually (and I mean eventually, song’s a third through at this point) the lyrics and such come in, and yeah ok I see why this one isn’t as popular. It’s like, fine? Like, that cut back section is pretty overall mediocre, but when we get back to the screaming and the riffs and the noise its as solid as ever. It’s a little frustrating, because they can do the more lyrical stuff, F.C.P. is right there, but this one doesn’t quite make the mark for me. A shame.

Track 10 is I Just Got This Symphony Goin’, which does not have an actual symphony, but it does present and absolutely killer opening riff, so it’s not all bad. This is one of the songs I most associate with the album, even if it’s one of the ones also on Doppelganger. Its speeding up and slowing down and screaming and singing and lots of interweaving and yeah. I like it. Iunno.

The final song, What Sound Does a Mastodon Make? (I dunno, ask a paleontolgist?), is a full seven minutes, 2 minutes longer than the next longest track. It’s kind of interesting, since the second half of the album going by tracks is much much longer than the first half. It does this really fun bit where the lead guitar and rhythm guitar do their own little call and response thing, immediately followed by one of the weirdest vocal noises I’ve ever heard, and I don’t have a word to describe it, so you’re gonna have to either trust me or listen to it yourself. This song is just really, really long, man, and it goes in a lot of places but none of them are exceptional enough to really justify slogging through a total 7 minutes of it. I’m going to be honest, I’m probably not going to listen to it unless I’m going through the whole album. The extended build near the end is pretty sick, I guess? And the way the last minute just decides to, like, drop everything, and just end with a very quiet, indie-esque instrumental. Like the very “we did it, now we can relax” sort of moment. Lets both you and the band know its over, and you can move on past your energy high to something a bit more chill.

I think the best phrase I can use to describe The Fall of Troy is “ADHD music”. Both in that it feels almost a little distractable sometimes, multidirectional and often not fully resolving its lines, and also in that said lines are great if you’re someone like myself who’s brain needs something to be chewing over while the more conscious parts are trying to do something else. To be clear, I consider this a compliment. Like most music I discuss, this certainly isn’t for everyone, as you’re going to need a tolerance for adrenaline and screaming to enjoy this album, but I do think it’s worth the attempt. Now, I haven’t listened to Doppelganger (or any of the other albums for that manner) in full, so I can’t comment on how the style of The Fall of Troy would evolve over time. But at the very least, this is a very solid starting point for what would become a surprisingly long-lasting act.

[flattired]

(     JACOB ELORDI,   CIS  MAN,   HE / HIM     —     oh  gosh,  sorry  THOMAS  “TOMMY”  BARNETT !  i  didn't  see  you  there !  y'know,  i  can't  believe  you're  already  TWENTY FIVE  years  old;  seems  like  just  yesterday  you  were  tripping  over  yourself,  or  was  that  yesterday ?  just  kidding,  just  kidding  !  anyway,  i  hear  that  you've  been  here  since  1978,  or  so  you  think;  congratulations  !  at  least  that  shining  OBLIGING  personality  of  yours  hasn't  changed  a  bit,  especially  that  LOYAL  +  AMICABLE,  but  FOOLISH  +  RESTLESS  way  about  you.  look,  i  gotta  get  back  to  the  group,  but  i'll  see  you  around  !

        hello,  hello!  my  name  is  rion,  though  at  this  point  you  might  know  be  better  as  admin  jay  on  the  main!  i...  i  just  need  you  guys  to  know  how  absolutely  excited  i  am  that  you’re  all  here.  lilah  will  tell  you  that  basically  every  time  we  got  an  app  she  had  to  listen  to  me  say  holy  shit  again.  we  also  sent  each  other  the  paul  rudd  ‘  hey,  look  at  us  ’  video  a  lot.  it  just  really  means  the  world  to  us  that  you  guys  took  the  time  to  join  this  and  we  hope  you  enjoy  what  we  have  planned.  so  yeah!  mush  out  of  the  way,  let  me  introduce  you  to  the  sweet  but  easily  lead  astray,  tommy  barnett.

full  name :   thomas  barnett

age  upon  check  in :   twenty  five

gender  &  pronouns :   cis  man  &  he / him

trait :   obliging 

personality :   loyal,  amicable,  foolish,  restless

aesthetic :   survival  came  thanks  to  quick  hands,  the  ability  to  stay  upright  despite  the  strikes,  and  an  uncanny  ability  to  find  friends  in  high  places   (   just  like  you  were  taught   )   —   let  them  pull  you  up,  believe  that’s  what  they’re  doing,  and  repay  that  kindness  with  service.  a  well  worn  deck  of  cards  dictates  the  shape  of  your  back  pocket,  the  faces  of  queens  and  jacks  rubbed  soft  to  the  touch  by  your  left  thumb.  brother  was  a  soldier,  you  were  conscripted  to  a  different  brotherhood,  orange  prescription  bottles  standing  at  attention,  waiting  to  be  carried  off  by  you.  marked  body,  both  for  lust  and  anger.  low  expectations  allow  one  to  slip  through  life  unnoticed ;  that’s  an  asset,  not  a  concern.  just  keep  your  mouth  shut,  kid,  your  comforts  come  at  a  certain  price.

WHO  ARE  YOU ?

         tw.  parental  neglect,  toxic  relationships,  verbal  abuse,  drugs  /  drug  dealing

thomas  barnett  was  the  younger  of  two  sons  born  to  eliza  and  charles  barnett,  a  dysfunctional  couple  living  just  above  the  poverty  line.  tommy  grew  up  learning  how  to  avoid  their  often  explosive  arguments,  which  often  spilled  onto  those  around  them   (   skills  include:  knowing  which  way  you  could  walk  pass  the  kitchen  without  being  noticed,  which  window  opened  without  squeaking,  which  headphones  were  worth  saving  up  for  because  they  actually  blocked  sound  like  they  claimed   ).  thankfully,  tommy  was  not  alone  in  this,  he  had  james:  an  older  brother  who  faithfully  looked  after  him  in  ways  their  parents  never  did.  without  james,  it’s  unclear  where  tommy  would  be  now.

he  was  never  seen  as  the  smartest  child.  liked  by  teachers  when  he  was  young  for  being  kind  at  heart,  but  it  took  him  more  time  than  others  to  grasp  concepts  they  were  teaching.  he  struggled  to  pay  attention,  and  as  he  grew  older   kind   didn’t  seem  to  be  enough  anymore  when  compared  against  his  struggles  to  focus  or  retain.  he  skidded  by  in  school,  passing  by  the  skin  of  his  teeth,  his  parents  far  too  preoccupied  with  the  bills  they  couldn’t  pay  and  their  anger  with  each  other  to  notice  how  their  younger  son  was  struggling.  tommy  didn’t  care  enough  to  seek  out  help  on  his  own,  frustrated  with  the  way  academic  pursuits  made  him  feel,  and  while  james  was  doing  his  best,  there  was  only  so  much  he  could  do.

tommy  was  fifteen  when  james  was  conscripted,  and  suddenly  he  was  on  his  own.  that  buffer  between  him  and  his  parents  was  in  one  of  the  carolinas,  attending  basic,  and  tommy  was  forced  to  bare  the  brunt  of  their  anger  that  spilled  over.  they  used  him  as  a  tool  to  wound  each  other,   no  wonder  he’s  failing,  he’s  your  son,   but  tommy  was  the  one  who  ended  up  wearing  most  of  the  injuries.  yet,  it  would  not  be  the  last  time  would  become  a  weapon  for  someone  else.

he  would  find  new  excuses  to  spend  time  away  from  the  small  house  that  had  no  place  to  hide,  mostly  spending  time  at  various  friends’  houses,  but  when  a  teenage  boy  is  seeking  to  find  things  to  do  it  is  often  that  he’ll  find  himself  with  new  and  exciting  bad  habits.  he  started  smoking,  getting  into  fights  when  there  was  nothing  else  to  do,  and  eventually  helping  a  boy  named  davey  deal  drugs.

david,  davey  to  tommy    —    though  he  accepted  the  nickname  from  no  one  else,  was  the  other  constant  in  tommy’s  life  besides  james.  they  met  in  the  third  grade  and  davey  was  seemingly  everything  tommy  wasn’t.  people  thought  he  was  clever,  he  didn’t  worry  about  school,  and  as  far  as  tommy  could  tell,  davey  was  absolutely  loaded.  despite  the  differences,  they  were  fast  friends,  and  tommy  became  extremely  loyal  to  the  other  boy  over  the  years.  that’s  why,  when  davey  got  involved  in  some  things  that  were  less  than  legal,  tommy  found  himself  involved  as  well.

for  all  the  cleverness  davey  was  touted  to  have,  the  scheme  was  rather  simplistic.  maybe  that  was  the  genius  of  it  though.  davey’s  father  was  a  doctor,  a  psychiatrist  specifically,  and  apparently  it  was  easy  enough  to  pull  rx  pads  from  the  desk  within  their  home.  then  davey  would  fill  them  out  in  the  way  he  wanted  to,  forge  his  father’s  signature,  and  take  the  scripts  to  various  out  of  town  pharmacies  to  get  them  filled.  then  he,  with  the  help  of  tommy,  could  sell  them  at  a  premium.  

tommy  was  never  certain  why  davey  did  it,  but  for  tommy  it  was  about  achieving  a  bit  of  freedom,  independence.  the  deal  was  never  something  that  fits  who  he  was  at  heart,  especially  with  some  of  the  more  questionable  things  davey  did,  but  he  tried  not  to  think  about  that.  his  bartending  job  was  something  that  left  him  living  paycheck  to  paycheck,  but   this   ...   well,  it  let  him  move  out  of  his  parent’s  place,  and  it’s  the  first  time  he’s  just  had  cash  on  hand  without  having  to  think  about  it.  he  wouldn’t  like  to  admit  it,  but  there’s  also  something  about  the  excitement,  the  way  it  scratches  that  restless  itch  of  his,  that   (   in  addition  to  his  loyalty  to  davey   )   kept  him  in  the  game.

WHERE  &  WHEN  DID  YOU  CHECK  IN  ?

when  tommy  opened  the  door  to  his  room  the  next  morning  to  find  the  raven  house,  he  knew  instantly  something  had  changed.  it  wasn’t  hard  to  figure  out  considering  he  had  checked  into  a  motel  6  off  of  i - 95  the  night  before.  sure,  it  had  been  a  late  night  and  he  hadn’t  gotten  much  sleep,  but  when  you’re  expecting  to  step  out  onto  a  concrete  walkway   (   red  metal  railing  in  front  of  you,  a  half  empty  parking  lot  that  hosts  an  above  ground  pool  that  is  closed  for  the  season   )   and  are  instead  greeted  by  a  dark  hallway  and  someone  wearing  what   must   be  a  halloween  costume,  it  doesn’t  take  a  genius  to  tell  that  something  has  changed.  which  is  good,  considering  no  one  has  ever  accused  thomas  barnett  of  being  a  genius.  there  were  plenty  of  other  things  people  called  him,  and  he  tried  to  not  let  those  things  bother  him.

but  it  was  1978,  and  no  one  dressed  like  that  anymore.  at  least   ...   he  didn’t  think  anyone  did.

this  wasn’t  even  supposed  to  be  a  trip.  just  a  night  drive;  windows  down  in  his  car  and  recorded  cassettes  with  his  favorite  songs  playing  at  top  volume.  it  wasn’t  his  fault  he’d  lost  track  of  time  and  ended  up  further  from  home  than  he’d  planned.  now  he  was   ...   here,  wherever  here  was.  the  raven  house  didn’t  look  like  anything  he’d  ever  seen  before.  the  luxury  is  almost  off  putting  to  he  who  is  far  more  comfortable  in  dive  bars  and  parties  in  unfinished  basements.  it  reminded  him  of  davey’s  house,  almost,  a  place  that   (   despite  the  years  that  they  had  been  friends   )   tommy  never  felt  like  he  belonged  inside  of.

except,  this  was  even  nicer  than  that.

WHAT  WENT  WRONG  ?

        tw.  drugs  /  drug  dealing

a  flat  tire.

which  would  have  been   fine.   he  knew  how  to  change  a  flat  tire.  so  technically,  what  had  gone  wrong  was  that  he  also  got  a  flat  tire  three  months  before,  and  he’d  never  replaced  the  spare.

tommy  managed  to  pull  the  car  over,  and  upon  discovering  this  and  checking  the  time  on  the  car  radio,  he  decided  there  was  nothing  he  could  do  tonight.  a  neon  vacancy  sign  was  visible  from  where  he  was  standing,  and  he  was  sure  they  had  a  payphone  he  could  use  in  the  morning,  call  a friend  or  call  a  tow  truck.  it  would  be  fine  to  leave  the  car  here  until  then,  right?  of  course  it  would  be.

as  it  turned  out,  it  wouldn’t  really  matter.

there  was  a  bag  in  the  trunk,  something  inspired  both  by  his  occupation   (   occupation?  side  gig,  to  supplement  bartending,  to  help  out  his  friend...  it  was  just  pills   )   and  advice  from  his  older  brother.  james  had  seen  some  shit    —    or,  that’s  how  tommy  would  explain  it.  james  had  never  given  him  any  of  the  specifics,  so  he  had  none  to  pass  on.  inside  the  bag  were  the  essentials,  certainly  everything  he’d  need  for  a  one  night  stay  at  a  motel.  could  you  even  call  it  one  night  if  it  was  already  past  midnight?

WHY  WERE  YOU  BROUGHT  HERE  ?

it  might  be  easy  to  pin  tommy  as  the  extraverted  type,  but  the  truth  is  under  a  somewhat  loud  exterior,  there’s  a  kind  heart:  someone  who’s  loyal  and  easy  going  and  could  certainly  be  considered  obliging.  that’s  the  trait  that  brought  him  to  the  raven  house,  and  if  you  think  about  it  for  even  just  a  moment,  it’s  not  hard  to  see  why.  an  individual  who’s  never  a  leader,  always  the  support,  and  doesn’t  mind  it.  a  good  listener,  someone  who  will  do  anything  for  those  he  cares  for,  or  who’s  happy  just  to  play  the  music  a  little  louder  and  sing  along  with  you  if  that’s  what  you  need.  the  fights  he  used  to  get  into  were  just  something  to  do,  to  assuage  the  restles  spirit  that  needs  to  stay  occupied,  of  something  for  a  friend  wronged   (   though  this  definition  has  become  somewhat  muddled   ),  but  truthfully  he’s  good  natured  at  his  core.  he  knows  what  it  is  like  to  receive  help  when  you  need  it,  and  he’ll  return  that  favor  to  the  world  any  day.

WHICH  ITEM  IN  YOUR  POSSESSION  IS  THE  MOST  IMPORTANT  ?

it’s  just  a  deck  of  cards.  it’s  just  a  deck  of  cards  except  it  was  a  birthday  present  from  james.  it’s  just  a  deck  of  cards  but  they’ve  been  worn  soft  to  the  touch  by  the  repeated  pressure  of  being  rubbed  between  his  thumb  and  fingers.  he  used  to  do  card  tricks  with  them,  but  now  he’s  worried  they’ll tear.  a  new  deck  was  picked  up  in  the  lobby  convenience  store,  but  the  old  deck  is  important,  even  if  it  is  no  longer  useful.

   ...   WAS  THERE  ANYTHING  ELSE  ?

can  be  goaded  into  almost  anything  with  the  phrase   ‘   i  dare  you.   ’

is  the  guy  who  suggests  that  everyone  play  the  black  betty  game  at  parties,  and  feels  clever  when  he  explains  it.

will  kick  your  ass  at  a  game  of  quarters

was  an  obnoxious  car  signer.  his  ability  is  average,  the  issue  lies  in  his  inability  to  truly  focus  on  driving  at  the  same  time.

now  an  obnoxious  hotel  shower  singer.  my  apologies  to  whoever  has  the  room  next  to  him.

to  compound  that,  he  tends  to  keep  strange  hours.  time  isn’t  real  here,  but  his  body  is  still  on  the  schedule  of  his  bartending  job  and  mostly  nocturnal,  if  such  a  thing  is  possible  here.

has  argued  with  the  empty  other  side  of  the  bar  over  how  a  drink  is  made.

hates  the  feeling  of  being  cooped  up  here,  more  than  he  dislikes  the  issue  of  time.  he  used  to  drive  a  lot  and  has  replaced  that  by  wandering  the  floors  of  the  hotel.

[bruciewayne]

(pt 6/? stevetony ocean’s 11 au, ao3 link in bio)

“You’re out of your goddamn minds!”

Steve, admittedly, has to acquiesce to that. “It’s never been tried before…” he says, in an attempt to appeal to Fury’s daring and ambitious side.

Fury scoffs. “Oh, it’s been tried, three times, unsuccessfully. What do you have that the other three didn’t?”

“A divorce,” Bucky mutters under his breath. Nat steps in his foot under the table and he attempts to hide his wince, to no avail if Fury’s raised eyebrow suggests anything.

“I know casino security and these guys… they have enough ammo and people to occupy Paris. And even if you manage to make it out of there, with your money and your life you seemed to have forgotten that you’d still be in the middle of the fucking desert!”

“Would I go to you with a half-assed plan?” Steve challenges, then amends after Fury’s look, “Would Nat let me show you this with a half-assed plan?”

“Fine.”

“They’re Laufeyson’s places.”

Fury pauses for a second. He knows exactly why Steve and his little, soon to be expanded, gang came to him: he has money, an entirely justified vendetta against the greasy little fucker, and incredibly misplaced trust in Steve Rogers.

“If you’re going to steal from Loki Laufeyson you better be prepared for the aftermath. This sort of thing used to be civilised. You’d hit a guy, he’d whack you. Done. Laufeyson… at the end of this, he better not know you're involved, not know your names, or think you're dead. Because he'll kill you, and then he'll go to work on you.”

“I know,” Steve says, simply, “we’ve gotta be careful, precise. Well funded.”

“And batshit crazy,” Fury adds. “Who you got?”

“Well, we’ll need an AV guy…”

Bucky watches the patrons of a coffee shop go about their daily routines, bleary-eyed students amongst immaculately dressed businesspeople interspersed with tired parents desperately trying to console their children, eventually finding Clint despite his seemingly desperate attempts to blend in with the haggard students, if his dress and general demeanour is anything to go by. Clint spots him barely a second after.

“What do you need?” Clint asks, pressing a hot drink into his hand a minute later.

“Can’t I just visit a friend?”

“Sure. Just a little sus’ that you’re making a social call less than a week after Rogers’ got out, don’t you think?”

Bucky grunts and doesn’t even question how he knows that Steve got out, instead, he presses a plane ticket and an address into his hand. “You better make it. He’s planning on taking down Loki,” he tells him before he does a significantly better job of blending into the crowds.

“...a demo guy…”

“Thor?” Steve suggests. Nat shakes her head.

“Overseas.”

“Technically,” Sam interjects, “on the seas.”

Steve doesn’t groan aloud but it’s a near thing, “Don’t tell me he’s with…”

“Hey, last I heard he’s settling fantastically into the pirate life!”

“With a guy who takes advice from his pet raccoon.”

“With a guy who takes advice from his pet raccoon.”

To be fair, Steve doesn’t actively hate Quill and his gang of modern pirate mercenaries, he’s even worked with them before. But he does actively believe that Thor can do a lot better, though, if he’d blown up a small, mostly desolated Norweigian town and was on the run he too would go to sea.

“Well, who else do we have?”

Natasha watches from the safety of a cop car as alarms start blaring and, consequently, a stream of young, pretty criminals get arrested, Carol trailing behind at the end. She waits another minute, lets the real cops cuff her before she swoops in, flashes a badge and tells the disgruntled cop to “go get my partner, tell him we got this.” Under the guise of roughly handling her, she passes a set of materials to her, “That enough?”

Carol nods as Nat reminds the officer to go get her fictional partner. She hears a loud snap from behind Carol and she mutters “Thirty seconds.”

They make their way through the yellow tape, “Steve here?” Carol asks, tossing her makeshift explosive into an abandoned squad car.

“‘Round the corner,” Nat confirms, unlocking her handcuffs and tucking them into her pocket, “ten seconds?”

Carol grunts. “Almost. Be good working with professionals again.”

“Okay,” she says, after a beat, “go!” They both start running as Nat yells to her ‘colleagues’.

“Get down! There’s a bomb! Everybody down!!”

Amongst the chaos and mayhem, Carol and Nat manage to slip away mostly unnoticed; a baby in a strolling blinks distrustingly up at them as they pass them and their father, who appears to be very engaged in a phone call that seems to have taken a turn for the worst, but aside from that, they’ve made a fairly clean break.

“Captain.”

“Major.”

“Matt?”

“Isn’t he still mad at me?”

“He’s also still working pro bono for cherry pie.”

“You knock,” Steve tells Sam when they find themselves in front of a door that grandly declares that this is the location of Nelson, Murdock & Page.

Sam looks only slightly affronted. “Why me?”

“Matt doesn’t like me.”

Before they can carry on bickering the door swings open, and the man in question appears before their eyes. “Matt likes the Steve Rogers that doesn’t make him defend an undefendable case.”

“Aw, you think I’m undefendable?” Steev mocks, electing not to comment on the fact that 1. Matt talking in the third person heavily disturbs him, and he’s been to Jersey, and 2. he plead guilty.

“Ignore him” Sam interjects.

“Often do.”

“We have a score. Big one. Vegas.”

If emotions could radiate from people, Matt would be screaming suspicion and distrust. He doesn’t do well in casinos far too much input, though he has enough faith in Steve that he’s pretty sure he’ll never actually cross the threshold. “I’m the whole list, aren’t I?”

Steve looks in betrayal at Sam, “He’s the whole list?” Sam, as he also often does, ignores Steve.

“Combination of cons. One night. $150 million between us.”

“You’re lucky it’s a slow week,” Matt grumbles, before he shuts the door in their face.

“Well. That went better than I thought it would.”

Sam just rolls his eyes and shoves Steve in the general direction of out.

“Eight should be enough, right?”

Nat shrugs, mentally ticks through their current roster and matches the skill sets to jobs and watches Steve do the same.

“You think we need one more?”

Nat shrugs, tilts her head. She could do it, Matt could probably do it but...

“You think we need one more.”

Nat shrugs again.

“Okay. we’ll get one more.”

Steve doesn’t often get the subway. It brings back… interesting memories. This time, he’s not going particularly anywhere, just watching a guy who looks barely old enough to graduate high school - by recommendation of JJJ. The train comes to a sudden stop and all the commuters sway forth with the air of people who have come to expect it land have given up fighting it, like a child with a broken backpack, with the exception of Parker. He, committing subway etiquette blasphemy, bumps into a guy who looks like he believes he’s too good for the subway, sleek, well-dressed Wall Street type. Steve has fond memories of breaking into guys like his houses. Parker, in one of the smoothest lifts Steve’s ever seen, takes the guy’s Apple watch and his wallet, muttering a shy, bashful, “Sorry,” after.

Steve follows him, unnoticed, as he gets off the packed train into an even more crowded station. He’s not in any rush: he’s done this before. Parker fluidly dodges the crowds with the ease of a kid who grew up here, who grew up blending in without any intention of hiding.

Steve brushes up against him, without acknowledging him in the slightest and forges on, plan fulfilled. All he has to do it wait. Then, out of pure curiosity, he doubles back and follows him through a series of back alleys until he reaches the backside an apartment complex flirting with ‘decrepit’. Parker takes maybe two steps back before swinging himself up 2, 3, 4 floors via the fire escape. A broad skillset could get one very far in this world.

Up in apartment 4C, Peter Parker empties his pockets to find the Apple watch and, instead of the overstuffed wallet, to his dismay, he unpockets a business card with a name, location, and time. Well, if he’s going to be kidnapped at least the culprit has been kind enough to give their name - possibly an alias, the primary location - a relatively popular diner, and the time - dinner.

When he gets to Ditko & Lee, a man, steely-eyed and ruggedly handsome with the beard, makes eye contact with him. On the tabletop next to a half-drunk cup of coffee, there’s the wallet from the Wall Street guy. Against all better instincts, Peter approaches him.

“Who are you?” Peter asks, a name just doesn’t cut it for him.

“Friend of JJJ,” Steve replied. Peter supposes he intended to be vague and somewhat mysterious and elusive, but to Peter’s admittedly limited knowledge, Mr. Jameson doesn’t actually have that many friends. “Sit down.”

Peter sits.

Out of his jacket pocket, Steve brings out a plane ticket and places it parallel to the wallet. He keeps his hand over it. “This is a plane ticket, job offer. In or out, right now.”

“What if I say no?”

Steve shrugs. “We get someone not as good and you can go back to… petty pickpocketing, Peter Parker.”

He considers it. It could be a trap, what for, he’s not entirely sure, but he’s come across many a shady person in his life. Steve is definitely shady, but he feels like he wouldn’t screw him over. Peter thinks it’s the eyes.

He looks down at the wallet and the ticket, equidistant from him. One or the other. Take it or leave it.

Steve, as a test for more his own enjoyment than anything else, decides to signal a passing waitress for a refill. When he turns back to the table the wallet is still there, but the ticket is gone.

“That’s the best lift you’ve done yet,” Steve had, at the very least, expected to feel it. Maybe he’s losing his touch, getting soft.

“Las Vegas, huh?”

Steve shrugs. “America’s playground.”

 “I didn't know you owned casinos?” Steve said rolling over to face Tony properly. It’s stupidly late, a kind of late that’s really far too much into the next day to really, feasibly be perceived as stupidly late and really, is stupidly early, early enough that the sun’s begun it’s daily rise, streaming in soft, pale dawn light through Steve’s loft’s windows. They’d stayed up the entire night, just talking, actually getting to know each other.

“Technically,” Tony said, fighting a yawn, “I don’t. A subsidiary of Stark Industries owns the bank that owns some of the casinos down there.” His hair was messy, not intentionally, black-and-white photoshoot in a workshop that’s actually very well composed soundstage, but ridiculous bedhead messy. Steve rarely found Tony not gorgeous, but right now, curled in his comforter, light casting long, lazy shadows dancing around the room, Tony seemed so vulnerable and trusting and open and he knew it was way too early for words as strong as these, but he was falling, he’s falling hard and fast and all he could think was I love you.

So instead he made a stupid joke. The type that you would only find even the slightest bit funny if you had been awake for over a day and now found yourself in a situation where time moved like sticky sweet syrup, where urgency had never bothered to be invented, where you’re so drunk on intimacy and love you can barely see what’s ahead of you, and honestly, in that moment, in the moment where nothing else exists and it feels like the world was made for you and for them and for you to be together in that moment, you can’t care that you can’t see what’s looming ahead.

“Casino’s are like… fairgrounds for adults. With greater consequences,” Steve wasn’t sure if the sentence even makes sense, but Tony giggled and he found that he couldn’t care for grammatical structure and other such follies.

“America’s playground,” Tony mumbled, far more interested in pressing feather-light kisses to Steve’s jaw, tender and loving. Maybe, Steve let himself think, let himself hope that he felt it too. Hard and fast and damned foolish.

[crystalelemental]

Ranking the Legendary Heroes - Water

Ah, the cursed season.  The season of additional movement, impossible to tank powerhouses, and unparalleled support.  God I fucking hate this season.

Let’s be clear, all of those things count in AI hands.  In your hands, it’s a cute little gimmick, but on defense teams, it’s all just bastardry.  Anyway, 7 Water legends, ranked by combat potential and effectiveness in Arena.

7) Ryoma.  Hey, if you ever wanted to know what a completely useless unit looks like, here you go.  Flying unit, no adjusted BST, only effect from the weapon is DC, B-slot is just Wrath for some reason.  I guess it’s not all bad.  Guidance is still good, and he has that as a C-skill, so like...that’s something to fodder him for.  At least his refine will be good?

6) Eirika.  Listen, I love Eirika, but oh my god with this.  Her weapon has some interesting effects, but only if she’s near more enemies than allies.  So away from team support again, great.  Sped up cooldown charge and extra defense is nice, but overall insufficient to manage her Book 2 cav BST.  Lunar Brace with Luna is hilarious as a gimmick, but that’s all it is, a gimmick.  Yes, you negate all their defense, and hit for her raw attack stat in damage, OHKOing pretty much everything in the game.  Was it worth it to run a unit so thoroughly outclassed?  No.  It was not.  Great speed and the ability to just deal absolute damage is cute, but she lacks any defensive presence, running Galeforce makes Lunar Brace worthless and takes away her entire niche, and Eliwood still exists in the common pool.  Sorry Eirika.  I love you, but there’s a reason you’re not finished as a merge project yet.

5) Fjorm.  Believe it or not, I think Fjorm has usefulness, even now.  It’s not...good usefulness, but it counts.  Ice Mirror is just a shitty Negating Fang, but it does work against ranged foes, which means it works against some of the other Water legends.  Sure, she’s going to deal 0 damage to Chrom and Leif’s second attack will blow her face off.  Sure, across seasons, Alm and Celica will annihilate her, and I doubt she can handle Julia either.  But she’s trying okay? 

4) Leif.  Okay, and like the flick of a switch, we have gone from utter disappointment to absolute horror.  Everything past this point should be considered one of the best units in the game without question, and a reason why Water season is outright intolerable.  Let’s start with our good pal Leif.  Leif is #4, technically the exact halfway point, not because he has any particular flaws, but because he’s not as disgusting as everyone else.  Leif is stupid good.  Brave Bow effect, and a signature special that gives him a second action, but restricts his movement to one.  Yeah, that’ll definitely stop him blowing my asshole out, thanks game.  Leif is stupid versatile, too.  Death Blow 4 with a Lull for max damage?  Push skill or Fury 4 with Escape Route to hit and run really effectively?  Close Counter/Vantage for dual phase bullshit?  Leif is stupid good.  Which makes it all the more horrifying he’s only number goddamn four.

3) Dimitri.  The most recent newcomer, and already making his awful, awful mark on the meta.  I don’t like Dimitri, his toolkit is ridiculous.  Speed-based damage reduction built into the weapon, on top of +5 to all stats, all for the low low price of being above 25% HP, the easiest HP threshold to maintain.  And that’s just the weapon.  Atrocity gives him omni-Smoke and Seal effect, for -5 to unit and all units in 2 spaces after combat.  Oh, and also it does Pulse Smoke.  Oh, and also, he gets true damage based on 25% of his attack stat, which cannot be reduced in any way.  Because balance!  Oh, and we threw in Odd Tempest, which is an infantry and flying skill that gives them an extra movement every odd-numbered turn.  Because why not!  Seriously, why only eliminate the use of armor units in the game when you can also render cavalry completely ineffective?  Just slap this shit on a melee dancer and bam, what the fuck is Duo Sigurd?  Dimitri is obscenity incarnate, a living monolith to everything wrong with powercreep in this game.  The only respite we have is that he can’t run Null Follow-Up, so a unit like L!Edelgard can, and will, body him.  Celica and a fast Julia also handle him well thanks to his low Res, but your options are limited even with cross-seasonal comparison.  Dimitri’s just disgusting and I hate his legendary form so much.  And again, this is only #3.

2) Chrom.  Listen.  Fuck this guy.  No one pisses me off quite like Chrom.  I think it’s the armor effectiveness.  If he didn’t have that, we could talk.  But no, he got armor effectiveness on top of getting like -9 attack and defense on foes all the time.  He’s excellently min-maxed, but has a superboon in speed that actually makes fast Chrom a thing, because god wasn’t dead enough, we had to dig up the corpse and shit on it.  I’ve been Chrom beat L!Edelgard, a unit with color advantage and massive defense.  I’ve seen Chrom beat a +10 Cecilia with her weapon refine.  Double Triangle disadvantage, and he not only survived her Close Foil boosted retaliation, but annihilated her outright.  What actually stops something like this?  When your biggest, toughest green units are bodied because of armor effectiveness, and double weapon triangle disadvantage isn’t enough to OHKO him or stop him from killing you, what works?  What actually stop him?  Well, nothing.  Nothing stops him.  Not even necessarily getting to him first, because Close Counter.  Now even your melee units who got to him first somehow get bopped.  Not that this is all her runs.  Attack/Speed Push 4 for the speedy builds works great.  Mirror Impact shuts down faster mages who could’ve been a threat.  And for all of this, we haven’t even touched on the strongest aspect of Chrom.  To Change Fate.  His signature assist skill, which not only acts as a Reposition that gives him a second action (but inflicts Isolation, which is totally relevant because he can’t just move again and have that status wear off or anything), but gives him Attack +6 afterwards.  As alluded to with Lucina, movement assists that score for Arena are the most devastating thing in the world, and Chrom is proof positive of that.  Oh, but as an added fuck you?  It’s 500SP.  That’s right!  Chrom can score 185BST without even needing a 300SP C-skill!  So if you were looking forward to the day L!Chrom is score crept, keep dreaming, because he’s going to be here forever.  And yet somehow, despite all of this, he’s only #2.  What unspeakable horror could possibly outrank this garbage?

1) Azura.  Take a look at the last three entries.  Now go check the best legendary units across every other season.  Azura is better than all of them combined.  Because she is all of them combined.

Azura is not a fighter.  Not that she can’t kill when needed, but she’s not meant to.  No, she’s support.  A dancer, specifically.  But hey, we’ve had tons of dancers, what’s the big deal?  Sure, she gives infantry and flying units an extra space of movement, and takes any buff in one stat and applies them to every other stat after dancing so not even Panic can stop it.  What’s the big deal?  Well, it’s that every single top threat in every single season is enabled by Azura.  Any level of power they have on their own is jacked up exponentially by her presence.  What was just L!Alm or L!Celica needing to be avoided now becomes a round of The Most Dangerous Game, as Azura can, at any time, send them hurtling toward your team with an easy +6 to all stats, and if they get the drop on you you’re dead already.  L!Chrom used To Change Fate, but didn’t quite reach your allies?  That’s okay, she danced him, now he has three more movement, and now he can, and will, kill something.  Leif got his special off, but at least his attacks are over and he only killed two of my units.  Oh, right, Wings of Mercy, now he’s killed a third, haha fuck me.  Oh hai Legendary Dimitri.

Every top meta threat, in every game mode, is made worse with Azura present.  She is, to this day, the single greatest instance of powercreep in the entire game.  Nothing has even come close.  Surtr was more immediately obnoxious at the time, but a few good red counters get added and you make Null Follow-Up more common, and he’s suddenly not so bad.  L!Azura, though?  We introduced Lulls to counter her visible buffing bullshit, and she’s still supreme.  We included Isolation effects, and she’s still chosen over other dancers due to the power of her effects.  Even now, as new, powerful dancers like Peony and Triandra are added, they have to face competition from Azura.  Peony escapes this by being essential to scoring for AR, but Triandra?  What luck is she going to have?  Why run a less impressive dance to mitigate lift loss when you do lose matches, when you can just bring Azura for a higher win-rate that loses you nothing?  Even as they’re actively trying to bring in other dancers with unique effects and abilities, it doesn’t even come close to the level of devastation L!Azura inflicted on this game.

“But she only scores 170BST, she can’t be that reliable!”  Actually...that’ll do you just fine.  Especially with two matched blessing legendary units.  Especially with Dimitri or Chrom, who score like 185BST.  That’s plenty to even maintain T21, all you need are two higher scoring allies with that blessing and you’re easily hitting 756+ matches to maintain.  Score creep may some day phase her out of the meta, but I can promise you, it won’t be soon enough, nor severe enough.  All but the top-most matches will still spam her.  We will never be free from Original Sin.  Azura isn’t just the best Water legendary unit.  She is the best unit in the entire game.  She’s so dominant that having a forced blessing doesn’t even stop her being run, to this day, on most AR-D teams.  A mode she’s not even optimized for, she still runs.  That alone should tell you how ridiculous she is.  And with each new threat?  With each skill buff to infantry and flying units?  She only gets stronger and stronger.

[ifbrd]

Since the old villains in Word Up have been reformed, mind sharing what happened to them and how they turned their lives around? Do they play any part in Word Up?

Okay, so this time I was smart and decided to type this out in a word document!

Long post warning!

Before getting into each individual villain (or most villains, there’s just so dang many of them! I’m sure I’ll forget someone!) I want to talk about them as a whole.

All of them are reformed, and Tobey was basically the start of it all. He inspired several other villains, who inspired others, and over the years they all slowly gave up villain life. The last ones to quit (either BLHG and Invisi-Bill or Rhyme and Reason or both) did so after WordGirl retired from being a hero, because “everyone else did it and it’s not going to be any fun without WordGirl!”

After a few villains went good, Tobey and Dr. Two Brains co-founded the Anti-Villain Association (AVA), which was designed to be a place where villains, or even just minor criminals, who wanted to go good could go to discuss their struggles and experiences with switching sides (it’s kinda like a villain AA meeting). I don’t have many plans for each individual villain to play a major part in the story, again because there’s so many that would have been hard, but the AVA does play a part and so, by extension, the villains do play a bit of a role. However, I think most of this will go to Two Brains since he’s the co-founder and the other co-founder will be busy with all the other plans I have for him XD.

Many of their old weapons have been discarded, but also many of them are still around. For some, it’s to use in case of emergency (like a break-in), others have found other uses for their weapons (you better believe Chuck uses his condiment ray to make sandwiches!) others just couldn’t bear to destroy them (Tobey still has some surviving robots that were designed to crush the city, they’re happily living deep deep deep in the woods because Tobey didn’t feel right about destroying them for no reason), and some weapons are more difficult to destroy (like Mr. Big’s mind control, I’ll go into that a little more when I talk about him.)

Very few of them had kids, for a couple of reasons. 1. Many were too busy trying to turn their lives around to make a family life a priority 2. Many didn’t think they’d make good parents given their criminal history 3. There’s like 30 something villains and I wasn’t about to create children for each of them that’s just so many characters I would have had to make from scratch and I already had Theo, Julie, Emma, and Daisy, not to mention the new villains I had to make and I wanted everyone to have a little bit of depth so yeah… The ones who did have kids (and I might forget someone so sorry in advance if I did) are Tobey (obviously), Victoria, the unnamed henchman of Dr. Two Brains and The Butcher

Now let's get into them individually. Many of them I don’t have the story (at least not yet, if I get time I may start brainstorming that) of why they retired as villains, but for almost all of them I have ideas on what they’re up to now because I thought that was a little more important.

Dr. Two Brains- Was the second villain to retire. He saw Tobey doing such a great job and realized he missed that life for himself and said, “well if that little shit can do it, so can I!” He knew he could ignore the mouse brain’s evil desires, as long as he could fulfill its cheese desires, so his first step was to find a legal way to get a lot of cheese. So, he and his henchman started making cheese! And because Two Brains couldn’t wait, he decided to make a cheese aging ray. Suddenly he was able to produce quite a bit of cheese in record time. And actually, could make more than he could eat. He started selling his cheese and now is the main source of cheese in the city! The company slogan is “Evilly delicious!” And I was thinking about this today at work and realized he’s probably made a lot of money from this because with the aging process completely cut, he can probably charge less, but there’s something called “perceived value” where people think if something is super cheap then there must be something wrong with it, so you want to shoot a little higher when pricing products, so Two Brains probably has to have his cheese priced higher than he needs, so he probably has a pretty decent turn over rate! Anyway! As mentioned above, his unnamed henchman had a daughter, who Two Brains considers a granddaughter. She is aware of her interesting family’s criminal history and accepts it. She loves cheese but she’s not a fan of helping in the cheese-making process.

Chuck and the Butcher- (their stories are so linked it just made more sense to talk about them together) Were the third and fourth villains to go good and did so pretty much at the same time, for similar reasons, those reasons being “this isn’t fun anymore, I’m not getting anywhere with it, and look at what a great job Tobey and Two Brains are doing!” After retiring they partnered up and started a sandwich food truck, which today is a full-blown restaurant. Chuck does most of the sandwich making, but Butcher helps and he’s the meat supplier (guess where they get their cheese from!). I mentioned that the Butcher had a child. He has one son named Kale and a grandson named Baker. His son and grandson have powers like him, with Kale’s being vegetable related and Baker’s being bread-related (bread, not pastries! Important note! However, Baker does like to bake pastries, he’s about eight BTW). Kale and Butcher’s relationship will have a bit of focus in Word Up, and Kale will be a reoccurring character. Kale is very prideful and independent and will do just about anything for Baker. Kale is aware of his dad’s criminal past, Baker probably is aware too, but IDK maybe not. Chuck being close to the Butcher is naturally close with his family. Besides that, he still spends a lot of time with his mom and Brent, who he has a bit of a healthier relationship with now.

Granny May- The fifth villain to retire, and she basically just retired. She basically said “well I’m done! This is getting old and so am I!” She’s still alive, currently having the honor of being the oldest person in the city and is living in an assisted living facility. She’s pretty “together” mentally (how I describe residents at the assisted living facility I work at who haven’t been taken over by dementia yet). She uses a scooter now but carries a cane with her. Why? To whack people who need to have some sense knocked into them of course! Other AVA members are happy to pick her up for their weekly meetings and drive her back home, despite her claims that she could still drive fine “if they would let me!” (don’t let this woman go behind the wheel anymore, don’t listen to her!)

Mr. Big and Leslie- Mr. Big was inspired by the villains before him turning their lives around and claiming to be much happier. He tried this and struggled a lot. He eventually realized his issue was greed, it was too strong for him. So, he gave everything up, he gave his company to Leslie and basically became a minimalist hippie (again, my love for irony shines through!...also I thought the idea of Big being a hippie was HILARIOUS). Leslie has run the company ethically ever since. Today it’s essentially Amazon with morals. Mr. Big and Leslie are friends and talk all the time. Their mind control tech is still around, the reason I’ve decided is that some of the later tech was so powerful that destroying it might unintentionally send out a mind control signal. I’m open to better suggestions; I just need the mind control tech to still exist and be something someone could steal…hint hint….

Ms. Question- Eventually got a job as an interrogator for the police station! She’s the best interrogator there is! She doesn’t typically use her powers on people to get them to confess, usually, they just break from the mass amount of questions she asks, but in more extreme circumstances she is willing to use her powers.

Learnerer- Like Ms. Question, Learnerer found a better gig with the police force. He’s the city’s detective, and rocks at it with all his “learninging” skills. He looks for clues and learns how criminals commit crimes and uses that information to catch criminals in the act and stop them. He often works with Ms. Question.

Amazing Rope Guy- Actually got decent at rope tricks and is an entertainer now! I won’t say he’s incredible, but he’s alright! The other AVA members often hire him for entertainment events (he’s been to several of Theo’s birthday parties and Theo has politely asked his parents to not do that anymore, so now they’re gonna hire him for Julie’s parties) more to support him than because of his skills

Whammer- is a professional demolisher. You need an old building torn down? Call the Whammer! You need to gut the kitchen of a house you’re flipping? Call the Whammer! Need to clear an area of land for a project? Call the Whammer! Need snow off the street so people can get home? Call the Whammer. He loves his job

Lady Redundant Woman- She kept moving up in her job at the copy place, and eventually had learned to do every position there. With this knowledge and skills, she opened up her own copy place where she and her copies are the sole employees. Turns out your business can make a lot of money when you can have the exact right amount of employees at all times and don’t technically have to pay them because they’re technically you!

Hal Hardbargin- Sold his villain inventions and blueprints to the police station so they could have a better understanding of how certain villain gadgets work and therefore how to stop them. Also has made a few honest weapons for some heroes

Seymore- Hosts a self-made YouTube (or YouTube-like website) show called “Can You Spot the Scam?” where he helps innocent citizens learn how to spot scams

Big Left Hand Guy and Invisi-Bill-I never could think of what they’d be up to, so I decided they are still trying to figure out what they should do next. (because my favorite thing when I have a writing problem is to take advantage of it and turn it into a plot point! …something I did with a very important plot point in Word Up that will be revealed in Return to Fair City)

Rhyme and Reason- again I don’t have too much an idea of what they’re up too, but I like to think they are a QPR because I like platonic partnerships!

I talked about Victoria and Eileen here Thanks for the question! Feel free to ask more!

[thesummerstorms]

Rev Recaps Hard Contact (Chapter 10)

CW: murder, death in combat,slightly graphic descriptions of corpses

TL:DR Recap: Etain and Dar go to one of Jinart’s safehouses and are immediately betrayed, which yet again, kind of justifies Etain’s paranoia. Darman kills a man, which perturbs Etain. Omega steals mining equipment and accidentally captures Guta-Nay. Hokan is pissed that Dar and Etain got away, and reveals that Jinart literally murdered the collaborators and tore them to pieces.

unfortunately, after posting the last recap I saw two Kal mentions in Chapter 9 that I missed, so we’re starting at a Kal count of 18.

Beginning Kal Count: 18 Ending Kal Count: 19

I regret to inform you I missed TWO references from Niner about Kal in chapter 9, so we’re starting at a Kal Count of 18.

I won’t screenshot the opening quote, but it’s basically a notice to the farmers on Qiilura that anyone who has Republic soldiers on their land without knowing will be sold into slavery and anyone helping the Republic on purpose will be shot. It does provide some needed framework for the rest of the chapter. Then we open in Darman’s pov, and IDK, I just kind of like the opening line. He still thinks of Kamino as “home” apparently at this point in time.

Etain is still being kind of unfairly snarky, and Darman’s at a loss what to do about it.

“Darman took is as a sensible observation rather than an insult.” Etain isn’t really being great right now, I recognize that, but I still love that line.

Anyway, they stop at the first safehouse and Etain goes to knock. Darman hates feeling obvious and exposed, and compares his lack of ability to blend in to, you guessed it, Skirata.

Kal Count raised to 19, BUT so far I think that’s the only one in this chapter.

Anyway, the house is empty; the family fled in the middle of a meal. Darman is still overly cautious, and walks Etain through house clearing procedure, even though her Force-sense tells her it’s safe. He points out that she can’t sense a tripwire that would murder them, even though Jedi Danger Sense is an established thing in the EU by this point and-

Sorry.

He also redirects her when she’s peering over his shoulder into the pantry instead of standing guard at the door and watching their gear, although he’s gracious enough to admit it had probably never occurred to her with Jedi senses.  While he raids said pantry with the intent to test the food for toxins later, she goes to fill bottles of water from a pump outside, and he asks why she isn’t using a filter. Again, we were just giving Etain shit a few chapters ago for being too paranoid and now she’s asking if he was trained by Nemoidians, but honestly I’m feeling kinder to Dar than Jinart because it really is a culture clash.

Yet again, I wonder how the Kaminoans can afford to kill that many clones out right when each clone is such an investment to rain and train in terms of both input and time. 

Darman doesn’t know what to make of a Jedi who isn’t the perfect demigod he was promised, which is affecting his trust levels. And Etain hasn’t been helping a lot with that. But she does notice something is wrong with him; she just doesn’t know him well yet, so she assumes it has something to do with his physical injury.

They eventually make it to another safe house, when they meet a woman “with a face like a gdan”, several children, and a few other adults. Dar is briefly overwhelmed because it’s the first time he’s seen this many humans who aren’t clones. I guess the commandos never saw their Sergeants group up.

Darman places mines all around the entrance to the building before he goes in, which I’m sure would win him no love even if the farmers weren’t already under threat of execution or slavery. The family at the safehouse says very little, outside of one woman who wants to know how the Republic is better than the Nemoidians, but they do attempt to feed Dar and Etain, which I have to say, is generous for the kind of place they’re living in. Or would be, if the family weren’t planning to sell them out & use the food as a distraction.

Dar, honey, she’s going to be able to read you in the Force better than anyone else in the galaxy by the time this is over and you’ll like it, so you might as well just buckle up. 

Also, clones are able of discerning thoughts/behavior patterns/moods really easily through minute observation and there’s nothing ruling out Etain doing the same her, but I guess it makes sense he jumps to mind reading the way the Kaminoans built up the Jedi.

Lots of little thoughts here. There’s post to be made based on a conversation I had with rey-skywalkin-away about Etain and food that I’ll save for another day, but for now, let me just say as much as KT tries to present Etain as a picky/snobbish eater, lemme just say that I don’t blame Etain in the least for being suspicious when the last stew Jinart tried to serve her included grains literally picked out of the manure on Etain’s cloak. Also, it’s still kind of sweet that Darman notices she isn’t eating enough and immediately offers her his bread, even though he’s in heaven getting “real” food. It’s generous. 

But good things never last, and Etain pretty much immediately is warned by the Force that someone is approaching unexpectedly. Darman flips out and the family immediately flees, which only confirms his suspicion. Dar and Etain brace for combat, while Etain uses Force-sense to pinpoint the incoming enemy forces. It’s actually kind of a great little action scene for the two of them.

“She put her lips so close to his ear he jumped.” Idk, I just giggled at that.

It’s just kind of a great little moment, getting to actually see Etain use her Force skills competently in an action scene. But of course, it immediately devolved. Darman, being raised to be a soldier, kills the one surviving Separatist, who’s injured on the floor. Etain, being raised a Jedi, doesn’t understand. Again, it’s a culture clash, but given the military focus of the books, we know who the narrative thinks is right.

I STILL WANT TO KNOW... who the hell were the clones supposed to be killing on Kamino? I can’t imagine the Kaminoans would let the clones kill even “worthless” Kaminoans, for fear of the armies they were raising getting ideas. I suppose Jango could have snuck back a bounty that was supposed to be dead every now and then, but that wouldn’t be a lot of people for training with 3,000,000 men. 

Also, Darman literally had his freak out over killing people on page 56 of this same, book, so it comes off as a tad hypocritical, even though this isn’t the last time he’ll not understand what Etain is upset about wrt killing.

Anyway, Darman is shot in the shoulder, though it’s a minor wound, they’re now on the run with no “safe houses” to hide in, and at the end of this scene, when Darman asks if Etain can sense droids, we find out she can’t when a droid starts shooting at them.

We then skip to Niner and Atin and Fi raiding a quarry for droids/explosives/equipment. I’m not gonna lie, I could care less about the plot of this section. This is my third time reading it and I’m still fuzzy on it. But it has a few fun little moments:

Atin is tricky. Also, I’m pretty sure that if this wasn’t a Star Wars book,that line would say “pants-shittingly nervous” rather than “drink-spilling”. With the facility seemingly cleared out, Niner and Atin go in to loot it, and we build some more on the “Atin is the tech guy” thing.

Except the guard shack isn’t empty. Guta-Nay (again, the would be rapist) has been hiding there, since Hokan wants him dead. Guta-Nay tries offering various bits of information if Niner will keep him alive, and KT really, really leans in to the whole “to stupid to function” thing, which is still making me uncomfortable, but comes to a head a few chapters from now. Eventually, Niner concedes that they’ll take Guta-Nay prisoner rather than kill him. Atin is displeased, but starts leveraging it to try and find a technical solution to one of their other problems.

Niner, you should absolutely keep thinking mean thoughts about Vau.

Atin hacks some droids, and they’re going to use them to move the mining charges and smuggle them into the places that need to be blown up, including the Nemodian comm relay in Tekklet. Atin still does not like Guta-Nay.

And then one bit that really makes this scene:

Tiny bit of foreshadowing for Triple Zero and True Colors. GREAT moment of Fi’s typical sass. “Don’t stand there being so ugly, man. You’re scaring him.”

We then close the chapter with Hokan being pissed that Darman and Etain escaped. I’m not going to spend too much time on it, because it’s mostly Hokan yelling at his subordinates.

Things that are of note,  with a CW for a graphic description of mutilation of corpses: this is what Jinart went and did to the collaborators.

As negatively as Traviss paints them, I actually feel really bad for the farmers in this book. She’s not much sympathetic to them, and she explicitly goes out of her way to show why you’d be stupid to sympathize with them, but on the one hand you have the Separatists and Hokan torching these people’s land, selling them into slavery, and executing them. On the other... you have Jinart. 

On top of which, they’re literally starving because of the Nemodian’s financial control of their lives. They don’t even have 21st century plumbing, in Star Wars. Whatever point Traviss thinks she’s making about unworthy civilian/local populations, it rings kind of hollow in the face of that information, because I can understand exactly why the NPCs act the way they do, even if they’re technically in opposition to our protagonists.

Anyway, Hokan pulls all droids out of Tekklet, where the comm is, to guard Uthan’s facility. He tells his men he wants either Darman or Etain alive, especially if Etain is a Jedi. Preferably both of them. Again, remember, he tortured Kast Fulier to death with Fulier’s own lightsaber, so remember what we’re working with here.

And that’s where the scene ends.

[quickspinner]

Hey Gorgeous 7

Part 1| Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 (end) | Bonus Scene 

Sequel: Hey Gorgeous: Under Your Skin

Now on AO3

The order hadn’t come. Luka frowned. His shift was almost up, it was nearly an hour past when Marinette usually ordered. Had he heard her wrong? Depressed and trying not to be, he went through the close out process, barely aware of what he was doing. 

“One more order,” his boss called, snapping him back to reality. 

Luka frowned. “I was about to clock out.” 

The boss man shrugged and handed him the slip and the order. “Eric’s not here yet. Text me when you get there and I’ll clock you out, then you can go straight home.”

Luka sighed to himself but knew better than to protest. His eyes widened slightly as he saw the address.

The sun was setting and there was a chill in the air, burning his lungs as he pedaled. 

Marinette was waiting for him on the steps, wrapped tightly in a knitted cardigan that had clearly seen better days. She came down the stairs before he’d even stopped, beaming. “Hi.”

“Hey,” he said softly, a slow smile spreading his face. “Late dinner tonight?”

“Well, the girls made other plans, but I didn’t feel like going out, ssso I-I-I-l—“ He waited while she gathered herself. “Um, are you off w-work now?”

“Actually…” Luka sent the text to his boss, and got an almost immediate confirmation. “There.” He grinned at her, pocketing the phone. “I am now.”

“Then...do you want to have dinner with mmme?” She motioned to the picnic tables under the trees next to the dorm building. 

Luka tried not to look as pleased as he was. “I’d love to. Let me just lock up.” He nodded towards the bike rack. He handed Marinette the pizza and she took it towards the tables.

There were butterflies in his stomach as he locked up his bike and pulled his few valuables out of the basket, including his acoustic guitar, which he slung across his back. He glanced back towards Marinette and then ducked to check the mirror on the bike next to his, raking his fingers through his hair to muss it into something less helmet-shaped. “Don’t screw this up, Couffaine,” he told his reflection. Then he took a deep breath and jogged back toward Marinette. 

To his complete shock (and utter relief, because he’d really been done with pizza since about his third week on the job), Marinette had a small casserole dish waiting on the picnic table, steaming in the cool air. “I mmmade it at h-h-home and it’s been in the freezer all week. I used the common room kitchen to heat it up. It’s not f-f-fancy, b-but at least it’s n-n-not p-pizza?” She looked shy, twisting her hands together. 

“You’re amazing,” Luka said fervently, sliding onto the picnic table bench. “Oh my God, real food!” 

Marinette giggled. “It’s just a c-casserole.”

Luka shook his head. “You don’t understand. My sister eats like a rabbit and my cooking skills are passable at best. We basically live on salads and fruit and takeout.” Somewhere there was a smooth line about not needing to go through his stomach to get to his heart, but she smiled at him as she handed him a portion of casserole on a paper plate, and he couldn’t quite make his brain work enough to be sure it would come out right.

“Well, I hope you like it.” She sat down and opened the pizza box.

“You’re not having any?” Luka blinked.

Marinette shrugged. “I like p-pizza.”

“Aww, and here I thought you just liked me,” he teased.

Marinette’s cheeks turned pink and she wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I d-do.” Then she cleared herself throat. “Eat, it’ll get c-c-cold f-fast out here.”

Luka’s grin couldn’t get any wider. “I like you too, Gorgeous.” Then he felt his own face heat. “So what are you studying?” he asked quickly as he dug in. “Wow, this is good.”

“Mmmy parents own a bakery,” she told him. “I’ve b-been in the kitchen sssince I was a b-baby.”

She told him about her classes in design and business, and he eagerly asked her all the questions he’d been saving up for months. Luka noticed she was stuttering less as they talked. He hoped that meant she was comfortable with him. He really wanted that to be true. He was hanging on every word that fell from those perfect lips, and everything he heard just made him want to know more. 

Then she pulled out a container of madeleines that she had made and dipped in chocolate herself, and he knew he was a goner. “Careful, Gorgeous, a guy could get ideas from being treated like this,” he chuckled as he bit into one. “Homemade food and cookies--I might think you like having me around.” 

“T-t-technically, they’re c-cakes,” she told him loftily, and picked up one of her own. A hot flush rushed through him as he watched her eat it delicately. He looked away and had to clear his throat before he could speak again. 

It felt like no time at all had passed, but the plates were empty and the cookie-cakes were gone. The sun had vanished below the horizon some time ago, the bright halogen lights on the building washing out everything around them, and the chill air raised goosebumps on his arms, but Luka still couldn’t make himself leave.

“Parkour? Seriously?”

Marinette giggled. “Yep.”

“How do you even get into something like that?” Luka asked, leaning his elbow on the table to look at her.

Marinette shrugged. “I don’t know, I just...nnnneeded to run and I d-didn’t mmmuch care what was in the wwway. I sssstarted when I w-was fifteen. It was a g-good w-way to get rid of frustration. Mmmy p-parents saw me c-climb a wwwall and j-jump across to the next b-building. They t-took me over to the local f-freerunning association and ssssigned me up so I would get p-proper t-training.”

“Smart,” Luka observed. “It’s cool that they did that instead of trying to make you stop.” His smile widened appreciatively. “Although somehow I feel like getting you to quit anything you wanted to do would be pretty difficult.” She wrinkled her nose cutely at him and he laughed. “That doesn’t look like a denial.”

“Nnno c-comment,” she scrunched up her shoulders and stuck her nose in the air, and it was so cute Luka thought he might die. His heart was pounding and he wished he could ask her to go for a walk or something, anything to prolong the evening.

Unfortunately, he had another engagement.

“I’m afraid I have to go soon,” Luka said reluctantly, checking the time. “I actually do have something else I have to do tonight, but...thanks for dinner. You’re just as much fun as I thought you’d be.” He winked.

Somehow that flustered her terribly and whatever tried to come out ended up so garbled he couldn’t understand her. 

“I don’t think I caught that, babe,” Luka said, trying not to laugh. 

Marinette put her hands over her face. gave a frustrated huff. “Sssorry. And here I’ve b-been d-doing all the t-talking, and I hardly found out anything ab-bout you. I’m sssorry.” She made a face. “It’s p-probably frustrating for you, l-listening to mmme.”

“Don’t apologize,” Luka said with complete sincerity. “It’s no big deal to wait until you get it out. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

“Sssstill. Thanks for being sssso p-patient with me. T-too bad it’s not sssocially acceptable to b-burst into sssong.” She smiled at him so sweetly that Luka’s mouth answered without his brain’s permission. 

“Gorgeous, with lips like yours everything you say sounds like music to me.” 

Even so the blush that rose to his face was nothing compared to the shade of red Marinette turned. She made another strangled noise and Luka chuckled, reaching across the table to touch her hand, just resting his fingers lightly on the back. “You okay, or was that too much?” He ducked his head a little, trying to see her eyes. “I promise it wasn’t just a line. I meant it.”

“I kn-kn-know. Th-th-that’s w-w-why it wwworked,” she huffed, darting a shy smile at him. 

Luka bit his lip, and then took the leap. “I really like you, Marinette. I’m sorry if I’ve been asking too many questions, but I’ve been wanting to get to know you better for weeks. You’re the song that’s been playing in my head since the day we met. I’d really like to talk to you more often. Could I maybe give you my number, and if you feel like it, we could text sometime?”

Cheeks still red, Marinette handed him her phone. Luka grinned, and programmed his number. Marinette took the phone back and typed. A moment later his phone pinged with a new message. Luka saved the number under Gorgeous. 

“Come here, I need a picture,” Luka beckoned her, and she leaned in with him and let him take a selfie. It was a little washed out from the lights and his hair was a disaster, but he still grinned when he looked at her sweet smile next to his. “Perfect.”

“Sssend it to me?” Marinette asked, blushing. 

“Sure thing, babe.” He stood up and slung his guitar over his back, offering Marinette a hand up. “Thanks for dinner.” 

She let him help her to her feet. “Ssso do you actually play that th-thing?” Marinette asked, waving at his guitar. 

Luka laughed. “I know a chord or two, yeah. I prefer my electric, but this one’s a bit more portable.” 

“Mmaybe next time you can p-play something for me,” she giggled.

Luka grinned, leaning in a bit. “I’d love to play for you almost as much as I’d love for there to be a next time.”

She blushed a bit but didn’t avoid his eyes this time. “Ssso t-t-text mmme and we’ll pick a nnnext t-time?”

“Absolutely.” It was stupid how much he wanted to kiss her, and he would be stupid to try so soon. He forced himself to straighten up. “Goodnight, Gorgeous. Thanks for the cookies.”

“Th-they’re c-cakes, t-technically,” Marinette tucked a loose strand of hair back and Luka knew he better get out of there before he got any stupider.

He still had the stupid grin on his face when he got home. Juleka looked up and frowned as he came in. “Where have you been?” she demanded. “Hurry up and get ready, we’re going to be late. The rest of the band will be half set up before we even get there at this rate.”

“It’s fine, Jules, it won’t take me that long,” he said dismissively. 

“If I have to smell pizza on top of the club, I’m gonna hurl, Luka,” she complained.

He rolled his eyes. “Decide how big a hurry you’re in, sis, you can either wait for me to shower or deal with—“

“Fine, shower, just make it fast. What the hell kept you?”

The stupid grin came back. “I’m not exactly sure, but...I think it was a date.”

Part 1| Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 (end) | Bonus Scene

Now on AO3

Check out the sequel!

Hey Gorgeous: Under Your Skin

That’s all I’ve got for now, but we’ll see what the future holds...thanks for reading! This whole thing will go up on AO3 sometime today.

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #28: Alexander

Welcome back to Fate and Phantasms! Today we’re building everyone’s second favorite (or most, idk how that drama working out) person named Alexander, the Great! Iskandar Lily is a bad-ass kid with a bad-ass horse, so this build will be part Cavalier, part Oath of Glory Paladin. 

As always, a spreadsheet for the build can be found here, and there’s a level-by-level breakdown under the cut!

Background and Race:

Alex the Great technically has some god blood in him, but you can’t really access it while you’re a kid, so Human it is. That being said, you are pretty great at being a human, so why not be a variant too? This means you get +1 in Charisma, because he’s a precocious little tyke, and Dexterity, because he doesn’t sit still. You also get one skill proficiency, and you won your horse by noticing how much it doesn’t like its own shadow, so you’ve got a lot of Perception. Finally, pick up Mobile as your bonus feat. With this, your speed is increased by 10′, you can ignore difficult terrain while dashing, and if you make an attack against someone they can’t hit your with an opportunity attack. Those first two won’t matter much by level 5 (spoilers!) but that last bit might still be useful, I don’t know exactly how this and mounted combatant works when combined (more spoilers).

You’re most famous as a conqueror, but you haven’t even started soldiering yet, so you’re still a Noble. This gives you proficiency in History, because you’re a part of it, and Persuasion, because you’re just goddamn adorable.

Stats

First, put your highest score into Charisma. You literally have two skills based on how charismatic you are, so you’re naturally pretty good at it. Second is Dexterity; you’re still a kid, so you can run and tumble around like no one’s business. After that is Strength- you have been trained in swordplay by this point, but you’re not swole just yet. Fourth is Constitution; you’re a growing boy, your bones probably heal pretty easily. Finally, put your last stats in Wisdom and Intelligence. You’re actually pretty sharp, but you are still a child. And also we don’t really need those stats.

Class Levels

1. Paladin 1: Your godly bloodline might not be enough to qualify you for Aasimar status, but you can still pull some strings to become a paladin. First level paladins get Divine Sense, letting you see extraplanar entities trying to sneak up on you, and Lay on Hands, giving you a little sack lunch from momma Olympias that you can share with your party if you want.

2. Paladin 2: Second level paladins get a Fighting Style (yours is Dueling btw, makes your shortsword super deadly), Spellcasting (using charisma as your casting ability), and a Divine Smite (burn spell slots for extra damage). Surprisingly, there’s zero smite options that involve lightning damage, but maybe you could talk to your DM about changing that. When you start slinging spells, you have first level slots, so I’d suggest looking at spells like Compelled Duel and Heroism so you can be like your heroes in the Illiad as well as Thunderous Smite, since it’s the closest you have to a lightning sword with rules as written.

3. Paladin 3: Third level paladins have Divine Health, making them immune to disease. They also take up a sacred oath to which they dedicate their lives. You’re following in the footsteps of great heroes, making you a shoe-in for the brand new Oath of Glory from Theros. Glory Paladins gain oath spells that are always prepared, starting with Guiding Bolt and Heroism at this level. You also get two Channel Divinity options that can be used once per short rest. Peerless Athlete can be used as a bonus action, and for 10 minutes you have advantage on athletics and acrobatics checks, a doubled carrying capacity, and an extra 10′ of jump distance on both high and long jumps. Inspiring Smite is also a bonus action, and after divinely smiting someone you can use it to give 2d8 + your paladin level temporary HP split up amongst any number of creatures within 30′ of you; because you’re just so great that people want to keep fighting next to you.

4. Paladin 4: At fourth level, you get your first ASI. Grab the Mounted Combatant feat, giving you advantage on attacks against unmounted creatures smaller than your horse, the ability to redirect attacks at your mount at you, and evasion for your mount. As you’ve probably figured out, those abilities don’t matter at this level because you still don’t have a mount. Don’t worry though, you just have to hang in there for a level. It’s this kind of foresight that made you Lord of Asia.

5. Paladin 5: At fifth level, you gain an extra attack per action, as well as 2nd level spells. This includes the ever important Find Steed spell that lets you summon a celestial warhorse to act as your Bucephalus. As a glory paladin, you also gain new oath spells. Magic Weapon does exactly what it sounds like, making your weapon magical with a +1 bonus to attack and damage, because if you can’t make it electric you can at least make it really cool. Enhance Ability gives one creature (or two, if you target yourself while riding) advantage on a saving throw of your choice, as well as 2d6 temporary hit points if you chose Constitution, 2x carrying capacity if you chose strength, and zero falling damage from heights of 20′ or less if you chose dexterity. Honestly, the fact that you don’t have imperial privilege strikes me as pretty weird, given your freaking huge empire. Just don’t tell Nero that you got this.

6. Fighter 1: Now you may have a horse, but that doesn’t mean you’re good at riding it. To fix that, we’ve gotta take a detour. First level fighters get another Fighting Style, so grab Defense for extra AC. You also get a Second Wind, letting you regain health as a bonus action.

7. Fighter 2: Second level fighters get an Action Surge, letting you tack an extra action onto your turn once per short rest. Show that action economy who’s boss with four attacks in a single round.

8. Fighter 3: At third level, fighters get their subclass. As a cavalier you’re Born to the Saddle, giving you advantage against being thrown off your mount. Falling off your mount for less than 10′ also doesn’t cause falling damage, and mounting or dismounting Bucephalus only takes 5′ of movement. You can also apply an Unwavering Mark to enemies you hit. This mark lasts until the end of your next turn, and forces the creature to have disadvantage on any attack made against someone who isn’t you while they’re within 5′ of you. If they do attack someone else, you can make an extra attack on them as a bonus action the next turn. The attack is made with advantage, and you add half your fighter level to the damage. You can mark creatures an unlimited number of times, but can only make the attack a number of times equal to your strength modifier per long rest.

9. Fighter 4: Use your ASI to round out your Dexterity and Strength scores.

10: Fighter 5: You would gain an extra attack this level, but you already got one as a paladin.

11. Fighter 6: User your next ASI for more Dexterity, meaning more damage and AC.

12. Fighter 7: Seventh level cavaliers learn a Warding Maneuver, letting you react to anything within 5′ of you getting attacked. You can add 1d8 to their AC if you’re wielding a weapon or shield, and if the attack still hits, they have resistance to the damage. You can use this feature a number of times equal to your constitution modifier per long rest. You’re just a swell guy, helping your friends out like that.

13. Paladin 6: Back in paladin levels, you gain an Aura of Protection, adding your charisma modifier to any saving throw made by an ally within 10 feet of you. You’re just so great that even a fireball doesn’t seem like that big a deal when you’re around.

14. Paladin 7: As a glory paladin, you gain an Aura of Alacrity, adding 10 feet of movement to your speed, as well as the speed of any creature that starts their turn within 5′ of you (hint: this includes your horse). Between this and mobile, you almost don’t even need your horse (jk, you need your horse a lot. Make sure he knows what an important part of your life he is).

15. Paladin 8: Use your next ASI to max out your Dexterity for more damage, AC, and sick horseback riding tricks.

16. Paladin 9: Ninth level paladins get third level spells, including your oath spells Haste and Protection from Energy. Both of which will make Bucephalus even cooler than he already is, a mighty feat in itself. Some other spells to check out around this level are Elemental Weapon, the only way to get lightning damage on your sword with rules as written, and Dispel Magic, the Gordian Knot cutting of spells.

17. Paladin 10: As a tenth level paladin, you’re so calm and collected that you and friendly creatures within 10′ of you can’t be frightened.

18. Paladin 11: You now have Improved Divine Smite, adding 1d8 of Radiant damage to all weapon attacks you make regardless of spell slots burned.

19. Paladin 12: You toughen up a bit as you age, so use your last ASI for more Constitution.

20. Paladin 13: Your capstone level brings you fourth level spells, including your oath spells Compulsion and Freedom of Movement. For normal spells, you can use Death Ward to cheat two deaths for the price of one, if you cast it on yourself and Bucephalus. You can also find a greater steed at this level if you really want, but that kind of defeats the whole point of this build.

Pros: You are very mobile, both on and off your horse, and you can spread that goodness around to the rest of the party as well. You’re also great at being on a horse, with plenty of skills to protect your mount and make yourself (and it) greater.

Cons: Being on your horse isn’t necessary, but it is a big part of your build, and there are some situations you just can’t bring a horse with you. You also don’t have much in the way of ranged attacks, so flying or faster enemies can be a hassle. Finally, unlike rangers, paladin’s mounts don’t get better with leveling, so at higher levels you may find yourself pumping more healing and protection into Bucephalus than other members of your party. I totally agree with that decision mind you, but the other party members might get jealous.

[grigori77]

Top 10 Horror Movies, like, EVER (reissued)

10.  THE MIST

In 2007, writer/director Frank Darabont once again proved he does his best work when adapting master of literary horror Stephen King (after The Green Mile and solid gold masterpiece The Shawshank Redemption), this time turning to pure horror with one of the author’s lesser-known early novellas.  The result is another tour-de-force cinematic blueprint, a taut, harrowing tale of humanity pushed far beyond the brink by unexplained supernatural events and the monstrous lengths normal people will go to to stay alive, as a small-town New England supermarket is cut off from the outside world by a mysterious, monster-filled mist.  The Expanse’s Thomas Jane proves a complex hero, beefy yet vulnerable as local artist David Drayton, leading a high-calibre cast of Stephen King-movie/TV regulars – Jeffrey DeMunn (The Green Mile), Andre Braugher (Salem’s Lot), William Sadler (The Shawshank Redemption) and Frances Sternhagen (Misery) – and “newcomers” – Laurie Holden (who must have really impressed Darabont, since he subsequently cast her alongside DeMunn in The Walking Dead), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’s Toby Jones (as one of the most unorthodox action heroes in cinematic history) and Miller’s Crossing’s Marcia Gay Harden, pretty much stealing the film as deeply unhinged Bible-basher Mrs Carmody, who goes from unsavoury town nut to fervent cult leader as the situation grows increasingly desperate.  Darabont once again proves what an exceptional screen storyteller he can be, effortlessly weaving an atmosphere of mounting dread and knife-edge tension, as well as delivering some nightmarish set-pieces featuring magnificent Lovecraft-inspired beasties designed by The Walking Dead’s creature effects master Greg Nicotero.  When cinematic horror was becoming increasingly saturated with “gorno” Saw-derivatives, this was a welcome return to old-fashioned monster movie thrills (Darabont himself was heavily inspired by the monochrome scary movies of his childhood, and longed to make the film in black-and-white – indeed, this is definitely worth watching at least once in the “director’s cut” B&W version he included on the special edition DVD release), and not only proved one of the best examples of King on screen to date, but also one of THE key horror movies of the “Noughties”. Not least thanks to that ending, one of the greatest sucker punch twists of all time – reputedly King was most envious of Darabont on seeing it for the first time, wishing he’d thought it up himself. Coming from the King of Horror, that’s high praise indeed.

9.  30 DAYS OF NIGHT

When Steve Niles, the undisputable master of post-modern horror comics, originally came up with the concept for his definitive work, it was intended for the big screen, but he ultimately wound up committing it to print because he just couldn’t get anyone to produce it.  Interesting, then, that the comic’s runaway success led to its optioning by Sam Raimi and his production company Ghost House Pictures, Niles adapting the first volume alongside Stuart Beattie and Brian Nelson, with Hard Candy director David Slade at the helm. Of course, the concept was always a killer – for one month every year, the sun never rises over the Alaskan town of Barrow, a fact that a coven of hungry vampires have decided to exploit in a midwinter free-for-all feeding frenzy.  Josh Hartnett manfully crumbles in what remains his best role as town sheriff Eben Olemaun, ably supported by Melissa George as his estranged fire-marshal wife Stella, Memento/Batman Begins’ Mark Boone Junior as hard-as-nails town loner Bo, Ben Foster (one of my very favourite actors) as a mysterious drifter with a dark agenda, and Danny Huston, who created one of the best ever screen vampires with nihilistic pack leader Marlow. It’s ironic that David Slade should have followed this with Twilight film Eclipse (although he was an inspired choice – after all, it’s the one that DOESN’T suck) – this is about as far removed from the toothless, blood-lite young adult series as you can get, an unrelenting, gore-drenched exercise in relentless carnage and ice-cold terror.  These vamps wouldn’t be caught (ahem) dead sparkling – they’re man-shaped mako sharks, all dead black eyes and jagged teeth, gleefully revelling in slaughter and playing sadistic games of cat and mouse with the isolated townsfolk.  This is definitely not a movie for the faint of heart, and it takes itself deadly seriously right through the unapologetically bleak ending, but it is nonetheless an endlessly rewarding thrill ride for the faithful, paying respect to all the great conventions of the genre while simultaneously ripping them to shreds.  Brutal, bloody and brilliant, this is BAR NONE the best vampire movie of the post-Interview age, and very nearly my all-time favourite EVER ...

8. POLTERGEIST

1982 saw the release of TWO of my all-time fave horror movies, and the lesser (but no less awesome) of the two is what I personally consider to be THE DEFINITIVE haunted house movie.  Tobe Hooper, director of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, pretty much reinvented ghosts on the big screen with this thrilling tale of a small-town-American family, the Freelings, whose seemingly perfect home comes under the influence of a powerful supernatural force.  At first the effects are harmless – moving furniture and the like – until a night-time thunderstorm signals a terrifying escalation and younger daughter Carol-Anne (Heather O’Rourke) is sucked through a portal into the spirit world.  Long before he was the dad in The Incredibles, Craig T. Nelson had already become a pretty definitive cuddly American screen father as Steven Freeling, while JoBeth Williams is a lioness defending her cubs as mother Diane; then-newcomer Heather O’Rourke, meanwhile, is a naturalistic revelation as Carol-Anne, her innocent delivery of “They’re here!” becoming a genuine geek phenomenon all on its own, but the film’s real runaway performance comes from Zelda Rubinstein as diminutive Southern belle psychic medium Tangina Barrons, whose every screen moment is a quirky joy.  As you’d expect, Hooper’s scares are flawlessly executed, the atmospheric tension ratcheted with consummate skill, even if the director’s characteristic gore is kept to a PG-13-friendly minimum ... then again, this was a summer offering from Back to the Future producers Frank Marshall and Steven Spielberg himself, who was also the main screenwriter. Indeed, his influence is keenly felt throughout – the suburban world the Freelings inhabit is very much in keeping with Spielberg classics like Close Encounters of the Third Kind and E.T. – and there have been consistent rumours that he was all but the de-facto director on set.  The film (along with its sequels) has also gained a reputation for being cursed, with no less than FOUR cast members dying not long after (most notably Dominique Dunne, who played elder Freeling daughter Dana, who was murdered by her boyfriend just five months after the film’s release).  Whatever the truth behind these rumours, there’s no denying this is a cracking film – taut, atmospheric and consistently terrifying while also displaying a playful, quirky sense of humour and lots of heart, it remains one of the most rewarding and entertaining screen ghost stories around.

7.  BUBBA HO-TEP

Bruce Campbell is Elvis Presley!  He really is!  Although maybe he isn’t ... all right, TECHNICALLY he’s Sebastian Haff, a washed-up, long-retired Elvis impersonator languishing in a retirement home who claims he really IS the King (apparently he swapped places with the REAL Haff because he’d grown tired of fame).  Meanwhile one of his fellow residents is an old black man who claims he’s the real JFK, maintaining that President Lyndon Johnson had him dyed black and secreted in anonymity with a bag of sand sewn into the gap in his brain ... confused yet? Well hold on, cuz there’s more – the retirement home in question has been invaded by the malevolent spirit of a cursed soul-sucking mummy, and only these two fallen heroes can save the day ... yup, writer/director Don (Phantasm and John Dies At the End) Coscarelli’s initially criminally overlooked but deservedly seriously cult adaptation of Joe R. Lansdale’s novel is as typically oddball as the rest of his filmography.  It’s also his most moving and spiritual work to date – behind all the supernatural weirdness and quirky, offbeat humour this is a deeply-affecting meditation on the pains of growing old and losing your place in the world.  Bruce Campbell’s Elvis/Haff is a tragic hero, regretting his current lot and pining for former glories, but he still has the odd little twinkle of his former charm and bravado (particularly during his interactions with his nurse, played with spiky gutsiness by Ella Joyce), while screen legend Ossie Davis is stately and charismatic as “the former President Kennedy”, even when he sounds REALLY crazy.  Meanwhile the creature, “Bubba Ho-Tep” himself (Bob Ivy), is a fantastically weird creation, Coscarelli’s skilful use of atmospherics elevating him far above the “guy-in-a-suit” effects – he’s mean, cranky, and just as strong a character as his flesh-and-blood counterparts.  Coscarelli really let rip on this one – it’s chock-full of his characteristic leftfield comic-scariness (Elvis/Haff’s early encounter with one of the mummy’s scarab familiars is a particular zany gem), visually inventive and frequently laugh-out-loud hilarious, but in the end plays out on such a heartfelt, genuinely powerful and moving denouement that you can’t help getting a lump in your throat, even while it is one of those movies that leaves you with a big dumb goofy grin on your face.  It’d be pretty sweet if Coscarelli and his mate Paul Giamatti ever get their long-gestating “prequel” Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires off the ground, but this is one that you can’t help loving all on its own.  See this if you’re a Coscarelli fan – it’s his best work to date – see this if you love quirky, unusual and original horror ... hell, see this if you love MOVIES. This is a true GEM, not to be missed.

6.  DOG SOLDIERS

My favourite werewolf movie is also easily one of the most offbeat – think The Howling meets Assault On Precinct 13 and you’re pretty close to the mark.  Before visionary British horror director Neil Marshall had his big break with masterpiece The Descent, he made an impressive cult splash with his feature debut, a fiendish comedy horror in which a six-man British Army unit on training manoeuvres in the wilds of Scotland stumbles upon a pack of hungry werewolves and are forced to take shelter in an isolated cottage.  With their ammo dwindling and their weapons largely ineffective against the monsters (not a silver bullet between them, of course), it doesn’t look likely that ANY of will survive the night ... setting the humour dial for JET BLACK, Marshall keeps the atmosphere tense and the substantial gore flying (I was amazed when I saw this in the cinema that it was only a 15 – even just ten years earlier stuff like this was GUARANTEED a solid 18 certificate), while the squaddies are a likeably foul-mouthed bunch with a winning, sometimes enjoyably geeky line in spiky banter (Marshall makes frequent references to everything from Star Trek and The Evil Dead to The Matrix and, in one of my favourite nods, Zulu).  Trainspotting’s Kevin McKidd is brawny but enjoyably self-deprecating as nominal hero Cooper, Sean (son of Doctor Who Jon) Pertwee gives great earthy-shoutiness as Sgt. Wells, Darren Morfitt consistently steals the film as mouthy little bugger “Spoon” (short for Witherspoon), and Game Of Thrones star Liam Cunningham injects a strong dose of dark and dangerous as Captain Ryan, the special forces operative with a sinister plan, while Emma Cleasby is far from just a token female as zoologist Megan, who came to Scotland in search of the legend and seems to have found a whole lot more than she bargained for – she’s smart, tough and flat-out refuses to be a love interest, and definitely proved a good trial run for Marshall’s all-female cast in The Descent.  It’s impressively paced – after an initial character-driven set-up so we can get to know the lads (including a fun little scare-on-top-of-a-laugh moment), the action kicks in fast and rarely lets up for the rest of the film’s tightly-packed 105 minute running time.  The set pieces are thrilling and frequently fun (particularly Spoon’s ballsy little distraction technique), and the werewolves are impressively brought to life through physical animatronics created by Image FX (the Hellraiser effects team!) and a talented troupe of stilt-walking stunt performers – no cheesy CGI here!  Altogether it marked a blinding debut for a singular, visionary sci-fi/horror talent who’s still making his presence felt – Doomsday was a delightfully old-school slice of super violent sci-fi in the John Carpenter vein, while tight, gruesome little Roman-era suspense thriller Centurion proved that a historical epic doesn’t have to be 2+ hours long with a big budget to impress, and Marshall continues to garner real acclaim through his extensive TV work on the likes of Game of Thrones. That said, I can’t wait for him to return to the big screen, preferably with more dark, edgy, blood-soaked fun like this ...

5. TREMORS

I’ve always had something of a bias towards horror movies that are also comedies, or at least that have a strong sense of humour throughout, and when it comes to funny horror movies, this brilliant throwback to cheesy 1950s monster movies is KING, baby!  While it snuck in under the radar on its 1990 release, director Ron Underwood’s sleeper universally wowed critics, word of mouth helping it to become an impressive cult smash once it hit home video ... which meant I saw it at JUST the right time, the film quickly becoming a firm fixture in my favourites lists and a major milestone in my own geek development.  The premise is simplicity itself – giant underground worms with tentacles in their mouths terrorise an isolated desert community – but underneath the goofy concept is a surprisingly sophisticated movie that continues to influence filmmakers today.  Kevin Bacon was in a bit of a career slump at the time (Footloose had been SO LONG before), but this gave him both the shot in the arm he needed and one of his most memorable roles ever – odd-jobbing slacker Val McKee, who has to get off his arse and think big to beat the beasties; Fred Ward is the perfect foil as Val’s crotchety “business” partner Earl Basset, while Finn Carter is thoroughly lovable as scientist Rhonda LeBeck, a no-nonsense smart girl who can go toe-to-toe with the boys (and manages to lose her pants WITHOUT losing her credibility), but the film is consistently stolen by Family Ties star Michael Gross as tightly wound survivalist Burt Gummer – this might be Bacon’s movie, but Gross is the real star, deservedly becoming the driving force of the film’s various sequels AND the spinoff TV series.  The film opens with a killer of a funny line, starting as it means to go on – frequently hilarious and smart as a whip, consistently defying character and genre tropes and wrong-footing the viewer almost a decade before Joss Whedon started doing the same with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, all the while balancing the belly laughs with some genuinely scary set pieces.  The worms themselves (or “Graboids”, if you want to get specific) are spectacular creations, some of the most original movie monsters out there, and they still stand up well today, just like the rest of the film.  A cornerstone of the genre that wins over new fans with each generation, this is one of those films that deserves to be remembered for a very long time, and looks set to do just that. 

4.  EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN

Nobody does screen chaos like Sam Raimi, particularly when it comes to his horror offerings – still his first and purest love. His original debut feature The Evil Dead is rightly considered the DEFINITIVE indie horror, and to this day remains the standard blueprint for all young, aspiring directors starting out in the genre ... it’s also a work of pure, unadulterated MADNESS once it gets going.  Raimi upped the ante with this part-remake, part-sequel, the increased budget and proper studio resources meaning he could REALLY let his imagination run riot, and the results are a cavalcade of tongue-clean-THROUGH-cheek, jet black comedic insanity that STILL has yet to be equalled.  Bruce Campbell returns as unlikely “hero” Ash Williams, thoroughly out of his depth and failing miserably to hold it together as the ancient tome of evil itself, the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis (“Book of the Dead”), unleashes a horde of undead demons on the isolated forest cabin he’s brought his girlfriend to.  Wildly expanding on the supernatural back-story of his original, Raimi and co-writer Scott Spiegel also ramped up the humour, playing the horror on the blackest edge they can, albeit cut with a hefty dose of Tex Avery – Ash’s battle with his own possessed, eventually severed hand is like some demented skit out of The Three Stooges, while the absolute comedic highlight is the ridiculously over-the-top “laughing room” sequence, in which the seemingly inanimate objects in the cabin suddenly come to life and begin to taunt Ash; add in the great wealth of re-view-friendly visual in-jokes scattered throughout and this remains Raimi’s FUNNIEST film to date. Campbell clearly had a ball, throwing himself into the action with everything he had, and he’s ably supported by a meaty (ahem) cast that includes a very pre-Slither Dan Hicks as a seriously scuzzy redneck and Raimi’s own brother Ted, virtually unrecognisable as one of the maniacal Deadites (“I’ll swallow your soul!”).  The creature effects from the great Greg Nicotero still stand up spectacularly well today (they remain some of his very best work), from hideous gurning beasts to insane fountains of blood, while Raimi’s direction is pitch-perfect, playing the humour beautifully while still (sometimes simultaneously) building up a near-unbearable atmosphere of unholy dread, and the climax is ingenious, beautifully setting things up for the enjoyably madcap trilogy-closer Army of Darkness: the Medievil Dead.  Raimi has finally brought the trilogy the follow-up fans had been waiting decades for with the fantastically bonkers Ash Vs. the Evil Dead series, but this delirious masterpiece remains the franchise’s zenith.  Groovy ...

3.  JAWS

It may be the oldest film on this list (released in 1975, it’s THREE YEARS OLDER than I am!), but Steven Spielberg’s breakthrough feature has aged incredibly well.  Indeed, it almost single-handedly changed the face of big budget cinema, establishing the idea of tent-pole summer blockbusters and blanket-bombardment advertising campaigns (in particularly it was one of the first to make heavy use of television to drum up excitement and interest), ultimately taking over $400,000,000 on its original release (the equivalent of multi-billion big earners like Avatar today) and paving the way for Star Wars two years later.  Not to mention the film’s famous negative effect on beach-going for years after ... but under all that there’s a magnificent, masterfully-crafted film, still (rightly) considered one of the director’s best.  The plot may be ridiculously simple – New England beach-community Amity Island is terrorised by a man-eating Great White shark – but there’s a stealthily subversive story here, taking old genre conventions and twisting them in new, unexpected directions (which would, ironically, form a template for a great many later horror movies); while the first hour is a slow-burn thriller, the second is more like a light-hearted nautical action adventure with added scares. The French Connection’s Roy Scheider virtually CREATED the everyman-out-of-his-depth hero with his portrayal of Amity police chief Martin Brody, a former New York cop who’s terrified of the water, Richard Dreyfuss is lovable comedic gold as rich kid marine biologist Matt Hooper, Lorraine Gary did a lot with very little as Brody’s wife Ellen, and Robert Shaw effortlessly steals the film as shark hunter Quint, a ferocious, scenery-chewing force of nature in the mould of Moby Dick’s Captain Ahab.  The film is immensely rich in great character moments, from Hooper’s rib-tickling arrival on the island and the dialogue-free moment Brody shares with his younger son Sean, to the undeniable high point of the film, where a humorous comparison of scars (which has itself become a popular homage-magnet in film and TV) leads to Quint chilling account of his wartime experience onboard the U.S.S. Indianapolis (the ship transporting the Hiroshima atomic bomb which was torpedoed in the Pacific, leading to over a thousand stranded sailors being eaten alive by sharks); indeed, this is one of Spielberg’s most well-written films, sitcom writer Carl (The Odd Couple) Gottlieb’s polish of author Peter Benchley’s adaptation of his own original novel still zipping and zinging today, although some of the best dialogue was derived from the actors’ own on-set improvisations (most famously Scheider’s now-legendary “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”).  It’s also one of his most well-directed, with near-hypnotic tricks in editing and bold, adventurous choices in atmosphere-building, often a result of the shoot’s infamous difficulties – the animatronic shark (affectionately named “Bruce” by the director, and “the Great White Turd” by the crew) created by Bob Mattley (the guy who did the giant squid in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea) was impressive when it worked, but this was so rarely that the director had to devise several means of creating maximum tension WITHOUT showing the shark, which ultimately ADDS to the effectiveness of those scenes, particularly the “barrel-chasing” in the second half.  None of these tricks, however, work better than the score from Spielberg’s most faithful collaborator, John Williams, based around a deceptively simple four-note melody that evolves into something spectacularly evocative, which has rightly become the film’s most iconic element.  Humorous, intriguing, intense and still thoroughly terrifying when it wants to be, this is, bar-none, the finest man-versus-nature horror EVER MADE, and surely always will be.

2.  NEAR DARK

I’m a fool for vampires (much like I’m a fool for redheads, but that’s a whole other conversation), so bloodsucker horror is one of my very favourite sub-genres.  I’m also a big fan of Kathryn Bigelow – two of her most recent features, The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty, both pinged VERY LOUDLY on my radar (the former is my favourite war movie of the current decade), while her collaboration with then husband James Cameron, Strange Days (he wrote, she directed), rates high on my list of criminally underrated screen gems.  So what do you think happened when she made a vampire movie?  The results SHOULD have become one of the most celebrated and legendary features in the genre ... except that it came out in October 1987, two months after the admittedly cool and fun but far more glossy and dumb The Lost Boys.  Needless to say in the wake of that, Bigelow’s film got kind of lost in the back chatter, nearly flopping at the box office and all but vanishing into obscurity ... until its subsequent release on video (quite rightly) earned it an impressive cult following.  Myself included, because this movie is RIGHT UP my dark and dangerous alley.  Collaborating with The Hitcher’s screenwriter Eric Red, Bigelow crafted a (largely) deadly serious modern day supernatural “western”, in which cocky farm-boy Caleb Colton (Heroes’ Adrian Pasdar) hits on cute drifter Mae (Jenny Wright, probably best known for her supporting turn in Young Guns 2), only to get WAY more than he bargained for when her kiss leaves him with a crippling hunger and one serious tanning problem.  Pasdar’s all-knowing youthful swagger disintegrates as he tumbles further down the vampiric rabbit hole, while Wright’s fragile beauty compliments her character’s deep, soulful melancholy – the pair make for a compelling, tragic romantic centre anchoring the horrors that unfold as Caleb begins to lose himself to his burgeoning nature; even so, the true dark and twisted soul of the film lies with Mae’s predatory nomad “family” – Lance Henriksen is the definitive “dark father” as nihilistic pack leader Jesse Hooker, while his Aliens co-star Jenette Goldstein is his perfect mate as punk rock femme fatale Diamondback, and Joshua John Miller excels as Homer, the bitter old man trapped in a child’s body ... meanwhile Bill Paxton consistently steals the film as mad dog Severen, chewing the scenery to splinters with gleeful, feral aplomb and stealing all the best lines.  It’s a potent, heady ride, taking itself pretty seriously throughout but deriving a subtle, inky black sense of gallows humour from the situation, and the set-pieces are intense and thrilling (particularly the shootout in a roadside motel at dawn, where shafts of sunlight become as lethal as bullets).  At times it’s also powerful, soulful and bleakly beautiful, Bigelow’s heavily stylised visuals brilliantly augmented by the spiky electronic score from Tangerine Dream. It also subverts the classic vampire conventions with great skill and originality, with nary a cross, coffin or even fang in sight.  Like 30 Days of Night, this is the perfect antidote for anyone suffering from Twilight-overload – the monster can be quite interesting when he’s the hero, but he’s just so much more fun when he’s the bad guy ...

1.  JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING

While I’m sure many will think I’m mad for preferring this over Carpenter’s other seminal horror classic Halloween, this one’s much more my speed, a perfect exercise in sustained tension, paranoia and white-knuckle terror. Critically mauled and under-performing on its release (it was labelled by many as a sort of “anti-E.T.: the Extraterrestrial”, which came out two weeks earlier ... and interestingly this opened the same day as Blade Runner!), it nonetheless became a massive cult hit now rightly considered one of the true DEFINITIVE horror movies.  Faithfully adapting John Campbell, Jr.’s novella Who Goes There? (certainly more so than Howard Hawks’ admittedly entertaining but ultimately very kitsch The Thing From Another World), it revolves around the all-male crew of U.S. research station 4, Outpost 31, in Antarctica, who come under threat from a body-snatching alien entity that can perfectly imitate its victims after investigating the mysterious destruction of a neighbouring Norwegian facility.  Carpenter regular Kurt Russell (Escape From New York, Big Trouble In Little China) is at his gruff best as helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady, the taciturn blue-collar Joe called upon to play “hero”, Keith David (Pitch Black, Carpenter’s They Live) angrily flexes his acting and physical muscles as hot-tempered researcher Childs, Donald Moffat crumbles as ineffectual station commander Garry, and screen legend Wilford Brimley effortlessly makes the exposition compelling as tightly-wound biologist Blair.  The freezing Antarctic atmosphere perfectly complements the razor-edged suspense, the idea that ANYONE could be the creature lending every scene a palpable sense of implied threat, while the science of the fiction is thankfully largely put on the back-burner in favour of the story and scares; meanwhile there’s a cheeky edge of jet black humour throughout, from the scuttling disembodied head to Garry’s explosive reaction to MacReady’s improvised humanity-test.  Rob (The Howling, Robocop, Fight Club) Bottin’s fantastically nightmarish creature effects are a magnificent achievement, still looking as good today as they did back in 1982, while master composer Ennio Morricone’s subtle, atmospheric score is a triumph of creepy, insidious subliminal effect.  For me, this film is the definition of fear – the idea that the threat could be literally ANYONE, that you could even become that yourself, be taken over completely, body and soul, is absolutely terrifying, and Carpenter executes this potential reality with surgical precision from the intriguing, icy start to the bleak, desolate ending.  Perfect.

[quietlysatan]

An Invincible Summer - ShanaStoryteller, AO3

Link: Here!!

Rating: T for read the warnings, but don’t worry too much because of them

Favorite Quote(s): I legit wanna tattoo this next quote on me somewhere

"Oh, the things that can be accomplished through ignorance of their impossibility," 

And this Straight Up Fact

“There’s no such thing as cheating as long as you win,” Natsu says, and the brat’s not wrong.

This one’s just funny

“Chouza,” Inoichi forces himself to say evenly, “Your teachings produced Ebisu and goddamned Gai.”

“Genma’s pretty normal though,” Chouza sighs, “I never could get through to that boy.”

Gently Gai casually caring about Kakashi’s well-being is my entire reason for living, speaking of which if someone wants to come be my Gai that’d be really fucking nice because us Kakashi’s don’t do too well on our own

He hesitates, but says, "Not that I do not find your newfound mentorship to be a most youthful endeavor, but -"

"I don't know," Kakashi interrupts his friend, "I met her while she was taking her genin exam and she, I don't know, adopted me or something. She just keeps showing up."

Gai nods thoughtfully, "Stubbornness is a useful skill to have when trying to cultivate a friendship with you." Kakashi elbows the other man, but doesn't protest besides that. "She's a good cook."

And this one because I love it when people Get It, ya’know?

That's really why he won't say anything, why he won't reveal that the Kyuubi's container and the fourth Hokage's child is still alive: they already killed him once. Naruto and Shikamaru are the same age, they would have been in the same class, and the idea that anyone could want to harm his innocent, precious son makes his blood boil 

And this one, for accuracy

"This sounds like a most youthful endeavor. I will bring Anko! She will fan the flames of youth in our young Konoha blossom!"

Both Itachi and Kakashi look at Gai, horrified. "Please don't," Itachi says weakly, like he knows it'll fall on deaf ears but he has to try anyway.

"Don't worry," Gai attempts to assure them, going into his Good Guy pose, "They will produce youthful flames of feminine excellence!"

"They're going to burn down Konoha," Kakashi says flatly.

Gai's hair and teeth sparkle in the sunlight, and he doesn't attempt to deny it.

Another important one

"The world is a terrible place," she says, and she has to swallow before she speaks again, "and it's full of terrible people. But I don't have to be one of them." 

I love that Natsu-chan has great balance, this is my number one favorite character trope, and I wish more people would write it

She bends down to look at him upside down, and Itachi can feel that she's not using chakra to stick onto him, and sometimes her balance just isn't logical. 

I just love the idea of tiny genius Naruto, and I love that Natsu-chan is a seal master at like, fucking seven and a half lol

Itachi knows it's actually far more complicated than that, but just as he does not tell her minutia of the past shinobi wars in their history lessons, she does not overcomplicate her explanations of sealing. Usually he's grateful for that, but when she appears to break every known law to sealing and chakra, he's not.

"That's," he blinks and he's not going to tell her it's impossible because it clearly isn't, "new," he settles on.

A mood honestly

Inoichi now feels the urge to bang his head against the table top, because 'a huge pain' to Natsu is 'literally impossible' to everyone else.

Another mood honestly

Inoichi watches his former genin dig in with resignation. “When are you guys going to start picking up the tab? Feeding you all isn’t cheap you know.”

Hana swallows her mouthful, “Sensei, I am but a lone healer’s apprentice –“

“I have been a chunin less than a month,” Kabuto pouts, wounded, “and already you seek to profit-“

“Do you have any idea how much sealing paper and ink costs?” Natsu demands.

“Okay, okay,” Inoichi grumbles, but it’s not very effective considering he’s smiling, “I take it back, jeez.”

Okay so, since this is a 100k+ word fic, I’ve been doing this thing lately literally just now on this fic review where I only feature quotes from the first chapter (Depending on length.) but, I’m making an exception because I’ve never seen these three characters and my thoughts on them summed up so well by someone I don’t know which is to say anyone, no one I know cares about my interests really lol

"Maybe a little," he admits grudgingly, "Sakura's really smart, but she acts dumb for some reason. And her endurance is really bad. She probably would have been failed on that alone if she didn't have such good aim with shuriken. And Sasuke's good at like, everything, I still don't get why he didn't graduate earlier. He's just so-" Kiba rubs his hand over his face.

"So what?" Hana prompts, even though she's heard this particular complaint before.

"Sad," the genin sighs, "He's miserable all the time, and he works hard and if you yell at him for long enough he'll work with you, but - crap, I don't know. He's got this really great poker face so you think he's just a big jerk, but I can smell his emotions, the big idiot, and he's just this sad lonely kid who won't listen to anyone."

Hana hums, because if she opens her mouth she'll probably start cursing the Hokage and his dumb rules and his dumb ideas, and that is not the type of thing that leads to a long life.

Just one last quote because dudes, guys, pals, friends of mine it’s important and you should all stop and read it.

 “Thanks for being cool with – everything. I’m really happy you’re not mad at me for not being honest with you.”

“You are my friend,” Gaara says warmly, “and you have always been honest about that.”

Words & Chapter(s): 136,306 words of greatness, and 6 full chapters of nicely done completion

Summary: When Naruto is five, he's gutted by a drunken civilian and presumed dead.

Six months later a girl with ash pale hair and dark blue eyes enters the Academy. 

(Guys I swear on my cool as fuck username, and all around internet personality as practically satan and probably Lucifer and whatnot that nobody we like stays dead or severely injured)

Score: 13, this is one of my favorites for a reason, this is actually my second technically third time rereading this in as many weeks

Pairing(s): Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, background Haku/Zabuza, but don’t worry anything you’re thinking of is addressed quite nicely in the fic ultra background but still there’s a lot of relationships and I’m not going to tag them all

Warning(s): Naruto technically dies more than once because this is Naruto we’re talking about but they also technically don’t??? You gotta read it, but basically temporary character death, only the bad guys stay dead in this one.

Nobody knows that Naru-chan lived so there’s that angst for you, however, to be fair it’s not like this whole story is just characters mourning and crying and whatnot, at this point it’s mostly just passing thoughts and memories which, again, to be fair, does almost feel worse at times... Huh, regardless it’s not overly angsty

Kakashi is adopted whether he likes it or not by Natsu-chan, we love both of our emotionally fucked over fair-haired ninja in this house so you won’t have to worry about that sorta fic coming outta nowhere from me BTW... but anyways, Kakashi freaks out a bit, much like the abused dog he always reminds me of, but Natsu is the sweetest and most gentle, yet forceful person he could’ve possibly caught the attention of. (This is canon)

The Akatsuki are still bad, BUT ITACHI ISN’T technically SO WHO FUCKING CARES!!!! (The Massacre still happens tho...)

Mentions of The Flower District and what that implies, and also things a Kunoichi might definitely do

Oh my fucking god the Hyuga... Who would willingly do something so horrible as that? Of all the things... Warning for... The Hyuga branch family situation, it’s dealt with nearly as soon as we are informed but, gods, my blood ran cold, and my face whited out, my sister thought someone had died when she saw my face haha,,, who the fuck does this? And do they die? In canon I mean? I think I only watched up to the chunin exams or Pein’s attack, I can’t remember which tho...

Natsu cries because people are nice to her sometimes. And honestly that’s fair, I burst into to tears once because I imagined someone kissing my forehead softly so, Natsu is completely valid... Sidenote, I’m touch-starved and have no cure for this beyond younger siblings and my cat because I don’t have the ability to ask my mom for a hug without literally gross sobbing and I have A Thing about embarrassment sooooo... yeah if anyone has some therapy justu for me that’d be nice

Mentions of Gross Men that apparently want to have Natsu’s increasingly growing collection of the absolute most dangerous people she can befriend pay them a visit. And by that, I mean an old fuckwit has the gall to leer at a TEN-YEAR-OLD and a FUCKING THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD!!!!!! Ugh, I hate those kinds of pathetic worms.

On that note, there is technically underaged things going on, but they are also Ninja soooo???? They’ve killed people and are technically in their version of an army, and by the laws of their lands they’re all adults, actually I’m pretty sure by shinobi life expectancy Kakashi is middle-aged, Inoichi is a senior citizen, and Hiruzen is a walking corpse tbh

Alcoholism??? I don’t really think it is but I’m not sure, but some characters do drink often, and usually when stressed courtesy of Natsu and co. but still... I don’t actually know if it is because it doesn’t actually happen much, more like every few weeks/months

Mentions of past sexual assault, and attempted past sexual assault, neither happen in fic or to any of our main characters, the experiences are not graphic though they do talk about it in chapter five, it’s not to graphically described.

Also, a bunch of off-screen lemon

A Thing (That I copy-pasted from the author so that all of you will see it and not say a single word against it.): If you thought Natsu was too mature for her age - she has seen and been through some really horrible shit. But also: my cousin has, since he was like 4, hung out with kids that were about 4 years older than him because those were the kids that were in his neighborhood or whatever. Point being, even after he started school, his main group of friends was consistently older than him. He very quickly adapted to that, and to this day (he's 12) hangs out with that same group, and considers children his own age 'kids' because he adapted to the behavior of the group he was surrounded with. I hardly believe Natsu would be any different.

And also

4. Quick little note because some people mentioned liking my portrayal of the Sandaime. I base his decisions/motivations (and Itachi and Danzo's to a certain extent) around this quote by Clementine von Radics: "It is so hard to live half monster, to hurt everything you love by trying to protect it wrong."

Pros: Watching Natsu just casually disregard the idea of gender with little to no thought is the greatest thing anyone will ever experience beyond, I dunno, the party we’re all gonna collectively throw when soggy Cheeto dies (I still haven’t decided which song we should make chart number one when that happens)

Given that I’ve technically read this three times you should already know the writing is fucking amazing, like, whoa, mind blown type of amazing, like, wow, so good, I usually hate rereading something I’ve read before, and especially so soon after the fact but geez Louis is this fic amazing

Natsu is just as easy to fall in love with as Naruto, and they are still the same people with slightly different personalities as is to be realistically expected with a situation like Naru’s was.

Also, GENDERFLUID REPRESENTATION DONE FUCKING AMAZINGLY IS ALWAYS A PLUS!!!!!!! 

The author manages to convey a very realistic genderfluid character in an incredibly believable manner, while also still keeping Natsu/Naruto themself. They’re still the Naruto that we knew and loved, but they’re different too, as is to be expected. when Natsu is a girl no-one stumbles, she is a girl without a doubt, even the author doesn’t trip up on societal expectations, and when Naruto is a boy there is next to immediate acceptance of this fact with absolutely zero (0) Zero bullshit from transphobes, which, as a genderfluid person myself, is always fucking nice to see. You’ll have to read it to know more though.

Natsu running around creating seals is honestly the greatest thing ever, and the end scene with the village made me cry a lil bit, and dammit this fic is so fucking good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, there’s a scene, where Natsu heals Kakashi, and the way the author handled explaining the intimate not sexual relationship between two of my favorite characters ever is just, so subtly beautiful, the sibling-bond these two have is beautiful, and a part of me wants to cry sometimes when I read it, and usually do cry a little when I get to this scene, and only partially because of what happened directly before it.

I love the way everybody just gets up and moves past their trauma and just decides to politely ignore it, oh they still have it, they still deal with it, but they care, and they are careful about it, and even though it hurts them like a knife-wound to the kidney in slow-motion they still get back up and keep fucking going. That’s hella admirable and I can respect that, I can respect even more that they slowly but surely let themselves heal as time moves on. This fic is beautiful on so many different levels but it is this one perhaps, that is the most magnificent. Perhaps.

Sasuke is adorable and depressing and adorable and I love it. And Ino is still a bad bitch but she’s a kid so we only see it like a handful of times in the first two chapters. The Akimichi/Yamanaka/Nara are all great, and I occasionally pity Inionchicause like, he’s putting up with a well-informed seal genius that’s still hyper, a slightly frightening medic-kunoichi with giant dogs, another slightly more frightening medic-nin who isn’t the greatest fighter but damn can he be intimidating and also really good at pointing out “Certain Things” while judging you about them which, honestly, is my greatest pastime. Itachi is so sweet and then so tragic oh my gods, and Natsu never even considers giving up on him. Kakashi is so sweet, and he slowly becomes less of a beaten dog as time goes on and I just love all of these characters.

Except for Hiruzen. Well, no, I still love this particular incarnation of Hiruzen, for all that he’s got one hell of a pathetically small backbone, I get why he does shit. But that doesn’t make me happy. Still, he’s better than dumbledouchebag. Granted that’s not difficult, and you might have to actively put an effort in to be as bad as that guy, but still. Plus, his hearts in the right place, and he’s less about the greater good then... certain disgraces to teaching and being in charge of a large group of people... Hiruzen is actually kinda sweet and admits he has issues and actually has an excuse that’s understandable for the shit that he pulls which is great, if sadly uncommon.

Anyways, Sakura is terrifying, and I remembered why I had a crush on her. She’s so badass, also, she ends up Princess Mononoke basically which, honestly, is fucking great, and the best thing we could’ve asked for, I love all of these characters so much!!!

Aesthetic: It reminds me off beefy stew (We don’t eat beef, so we used vegan soy beef stuff instead, and it was just as good.) it reminds me of the warmth, and friendship, and home that I felt after my mom and I make dinner together with nothing but a little music on and jokes passing back and forth between us. It reminds me of scraping my knee and having my friends help me to their mom, it reminds me of loyalty and compassion. It reminds me of dancing outside at night, alone in the forest with nothing but the moon for company and wind for music. It reminds me of the first time I realized that I could love someone despite their gender and that I should despite mine. It reminds me of finely spun handmade lace, and all it’s delicate while also reminding me of the sturdiest of steels, it reminds me of so much. It reminds me of acceptance, and understanding, and so much more. If I were to say what food and drink it reminds me of, I’d say chicken noodle soup, and sweet lavender-lemon tea.

Music Aesthetic: So, I made a playlist while I was reading this the first time around, and instead of a gif or twenty like I would usually prefer to do I’m going to add that playlist. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbhXmTSBbAyjk0m1b4BZUp3t0RHL83LDK

But if I were to add a gif or two it’d be these

Because something about this fic reminds me of rainy days with tea and baggy clothes.

Every time Natsu/Naruto decided to fight ever, to be honest.

[luninosity]

2019 writing round-up post!

It's been an interesting year!

Once again, I suspect I wrote more overall than last year - but much more heavily original, and even less fanfic (but still some!) again. But a couple of those have been stories people really love, or seem to, from the AO3 comments etc. I didn't finish one thing I'd really meant to finish, but I did write a 254k novel, which, what even.

So...let's see what all those things are!

Academic (just to get this out of the way first) ~A book chapter on Disney's Robin Hood for an edited collection on Disney & pop culture (my chapter's around 5,000 words) ~The intro/my chapter/overall editorial work/bibliography for the Terry Pratchett book, coming 2020 (collectively, probably around 15k words of my own writing, plus comments on contributor essays) ~The book proposal for the Star Trek book (~3,000 words) ~The in-progress Neil Gaiman and Batman book chapter - currently around 2k, needs to be around 6k including references ~Plus one more successful grant application! Not listing all the conference/unpublished papers, but those too. Fanfic Stucky straight from your heart, E, 10,516 words - ah, yes, my contribution to the Bottom Bucky Fest! It was such a marvelous prompt, about Steve guiltily having a kinky fantasy about essentially rescuing and caring for the Winter Soldier (which also includes teaching him all about pleasure), and Bucky finding out about this, and them then negotiating ways to make this fantasy come true. I hadn't been writing as much Stucky, but this one flowed really well and felt really good, and people seem to like it! Evanstan (hmm - way less Evanstan this year! still some, at least...) Evanstan Round Robin 2019, T, 12,497 words overall, but my chapters total 2,528 words. The annual holiday collaborative masterpiece! So soft and fluffy this year - such a delight sharing this love and creation and fandom with everyone! Extra Sugar - My Evanstan epic fic-baby! I added chapters 30 & 31 in 2019, which brings the total to 107,533 words - which means, doing some math, that's + 4,000 words exactly, apparently! There'll be one more chapter. I know what it is, I just haven't had the time to write it. 2020 goal: finish off this series, completely, entirely, at the end. I'm still so amazed by this whole universe that I somehow made, and by the fandom response to it. *hugs you all* Cherik When It's Time, T, 2852 words - this one's not up on AO3 yet, though I think I can do that now, if it's okay with the @cherikzine  people! This was my story for the Bookends Cherik 'zine, and it's an AU with magicians in a sort of present-day fantasy setting version of the ending of Dark Phoenix, and it was fun to get back to one of my first real fandom loves, and I'm glad I wrote it. we are electric hearts, T,  2,732 words - fluffy little fun universe-crossover in which Erik and Charles meet Kris and Justin, my original Demon for Midwinter characters, written for @kernezelda <3 Original Fic (written and published in 2019) Gingerbread Dreams, M, 23,662 words - holiday m/m gingerbread competition baking fluff! A cranky judge! A cheerful ugly-sweater-wearing baker! The Grumpy One Is Soft For The Adorable One! The story I looked up medieval gingerbread recipes for, for a contestant challenge! Also contains a couple of familiar characters from "October Spice" in supporting roles... This story is also available as part of the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Trio Collection from JMS Books - three novellas bundled together, at a discount! October Spice, E, 3,130 words - the story that briefly made it to #1 Best Seller on Amazon in the LGBTQ Short Reads category! My super-short flash fiction romance for JMS Books, priced at only 99 cents! (Or even less, when on sale!) A first meeting, instant attraction (and some orgasms!), a Halloween-loving baker, and an adorable firefighter. (Evan and Matt (well, Matt in baked-goods artistic tribute) get a supporting role in Gingerbread Dreams, as mentioned above, if you want to know what they're up to...) (Also, Evan's last name is 100% an Ace of Cakes reference.) Bisclavret, T, 11,756 words - technically I had about 5k of this written YEARS ago, back when I first read Marie de France's 12th-century lai in grad school and immediately had to write an adaptation of it. But this version has extensive revisions, and ended up over twice as long. If you like stories about a medieval bisexual werewolf and the demisexual king he falls in love with, and a love of books and cuddling...well, that's basically what this one is! A Leather and Tea Morning, E,6,993 words - the first of the Leather and Tea sequels! (There'll be at least one more, about which more below.) Ben and Simon, a lazy morning, and some emotional comfort sex in the wake of Simon having been in a car accident. He's all recovered and everything - but there're some emotions that need to be dealt with, about Ben and protectiveness and tenderness and care and getting back to a very cautious-but-satisfying kinky scene. Sound the Fairy-Call, E, 5,545 words - the heavily rewritten (like, nearly twice as long, new original characters, world-building, all of that) original-fic version of my old Evanstan fic Glow, and it's basically the medieval fantasy healing-sex-in-a-forest story, with a fairy and a tired mercenary and Eastern European folklore references! Plus I've managed to quote Robert Graves in the epigraph! (To be precise, I wrote the first draft of this at the very very end of 2018 - I had literally just signed the contract before last year's writing round-up post. But then there was editing, revisions, etc, in 2019. So it counts!) This story is also available as part of the JMS Books 2019 Top Ten Gay Romance collection! Come pick up a copy and discover all the bestselling gay romance authors! The Ninepenny Element, M, 12,274 words - my first published lesbian romance! With a lawyer, a witch, some hexed earrings, a psychic younger brother, and a ghost puppy! This is essentially the sequel to Elemental (m/m, E, 12,776 words), since Verity's the older sister of Sterling from that story, but you don't necessarily have to've read that one first. There'll likely be one more - I have a vague idea about weather magic, and there's more to explore in this universe. The Pooka's Share, E, 20,205 words - a weary magical cop, an unruly faerie horse shapeshifter, and some creative punishments for apple-theft! More fun with folklore and sex and two people finding each other and turning out to be exactly what they both need, full of magic and compassion. This story is also available as part of the Legendary Loves Trio collection from JMS Books - three novellas bundled together, at a discount! Original Fic (written in 2019, publication contracts signed but stories not yet published) A Demon for Forever, E, 13,752 words - surprise! I thought I was done with the Demon for Midwinter universe - but JMS did a submissions call for stories celebrating LGBTQ marriage, and, well - I'd written the proposal story for Kris and Justin, so...we should get to see the wedding, right? This one'll be out in February. Justin may or may not wear a wedding dress. A sparkly one. :D Leather and Tea in London, E, 20,909 words - the third of the Leather and Tea stories! Written for the JMS Books BDSM collection call. Simon's brother needs a favor. So Ben and Simon head to London, bringing Ben's retired-spy skill set and also some fun toys for enjoying themselves... Original Fic (written in 2019, not yet under contract or published other than on AO3) Character Bleed, E, 254,099 words. Which means...since last year I had 40,371 words done...that's +213,728 words. In a year. Not even counting the Bonus Scenes (see below) or the sequel-in-progress. THIS STORY, YOU GUYS. I love it and these characters so much. It's the most ambitious thing I've ever tried to write, that whole story-within-a-story, being about actors filming a Regency-era gay love story, and falling in love themselves. I'm just looking at it all...and I'm in awe...and the response to this, oh wow. I've been so amazed and so grateful and so thrilled - the art, the trailer, the comments, the people thinking about these characters and loving them along with me - I'm so lucky to have all of you. *hugs everyone* And now I have to figure out what to do with it, and how and where one even publishes this behemoth, and how to cut it into manageable book-length divisions...! Character Bleed Bonus Scenes, E, 25,697 words currently - there'll be one more chapter, of which I have about a sentence written. I know exactly what that is, too - Colby getting to top, albeit still with Jason giving some directions. :D The untitled Character Bleed sequel, which is Leo's story - not up on AO3 yet, though I might start that with at least the prologue, later today or tomorrow. But it's already up to 15,511 words, plus my outline... Ember and Serenity, E, 20,752 words currently - I added chapter 4 in 2019, so about +5k words in 2019, I think? I do have plans for this one. Oh yes. My librarian-magician and his book-thief...yes. And if you're wondering who hired Serenity, well, there already has been a clue... :D

A few little scenes, odds and ends, plot bunnies like that necromancer/prince opening...not sure what the word count is there, probably a couple thousand. ~~ Okay, I THINK that's everything! Which is...a lot of words. Character Bleed alone...wow. Just...wow. It's definitely tilted even more toward original fic this year, and I didn't finish 'rain on tin,' which means it's been over a year since I've touched that one, so I'll have to get back to it!

But I did get to go back and write a couple things for my old Cherik loves, plus at least some Stucky & Evanstan, so that felt good, and I'm super-excited about lots of those original fic accomplishments - Amazon sales rank, sheer length, fun with medievalism, Top Ten achievements, my first lesbian romance, and of course everything about Character Bleed, which is, I think, my favorite thing I've written - it's so real in my head, and it was so weirdly easy to write, despite the length! Thanks for reading! I hope your year is starting off splendidly. <3