#but they couldn't stop becky-may

[jewishbarbies]

the way that people on social media now expect you to take everything someone says online as fact and that's how you should get your information is so fucking infuriating. i'm not trusting some random twt or tumblr user (or, god forbid, reddit) to give me accurate information on ANYTHING when we literally know how many fucking bots and disinformation campaigns exist on our internet. genz prides itself on being "the most politically aware" and act like they're going to start a fucking revolution from their iphones with hashtags, and then turn around and believe what someone says on a fucking tiktok with absolutely no sources or fact verification at all. yeah, y'all are real aware - of bullshit. do fucking better.

[helaelaemond]

For your Kinktober, may I please request Billy fucking his ex-girlfriend? They see each other again somewhere (maybe a party with mutual friends). Clothed sex, some dry humping if possible, Billy being possessive. You can make this dark if you want. Thank you, ily ♡

HELAELAEMOND'S KINKTOBER

Pairing:  Billy Washington x ex girlfriend!reader

Word count: 3.5k

Summary: it's the first time you've seen Billy since you've been back in the UK. It's an old friend's engagement party, and the love of your life - the one you lost - is there.

Part of It's All For You Billy!verse - reader and Billy were childhood friends, and on the cusp of adulthood, they took their friendship to a deep and meaningful love. However, as the years went by, reader tried harder and harder to build a better life despite life pushing back, whilst Billy let it overwhelm him. Despite their good relationship, reader wanted more from life than what he could offer, and she took a job overseas that he couldn't follow her to. In the years apart, he found Becky, and things got worse. Much worse. Cransted happened two years ago now, and reader is back in London, ready to continue her better life.

Dry humping, breast worship/nipple play, praise, penetrative sex

Content warning(s): infidelity, rough sex, choking, spitting, dubcon elements, angst

KINK CATEGORIES: Infidelity, clothed sex, possessiveness

Rating: E

Masterlist

"Hey, here she is!"

You laugh in delight as the front door is opened by your old friend Tommy, and he throws his arms around you. "Alright, mate?"

"God, you're a sight for sore eyes! Come on in! Party's started!"

You remember this house. It's where your afterprom happened, ten years ago now. In the front room is where Billy kissed you for the first time. Tommy used to live here with his parents, but they sold it to him a few years ago for a steal, and so it's here that his engagement party is happening. How so much can change. How so much stays the same.

His girlfriend - no, fiancée - is one of your old friends, too, and Sofia greets you. She remarks on how much the Balearics have agreed with you and you laugh at the praise. You hand her the bottle of prosecco you've come armed with and she thanks you cheerful. Together, you go to the kitchen and begin pouring it into plastic flutes. She tasks you with passing them round the guests, many of whom you know from back in the day, and you do it happily.

It's been years since you've seen most of them, but here in this house, in this time of joy, it feels like no time has passed at all. All the faces blur into one after a while. It's nice, but it's also a little overwhelming. Thankfully, most people are gathered in the kitchen and garden, and you slip into the front room for a moment of solitude. Without looking, you close the door and press your forehead against it to take in a deep breath.

"Oh. Um. Hi."

You freeze.

It's him.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Swallowing, you turn around and plaster a stiff smile on your face. "Billy! Hi!"

There's a can of Stella in his hands and he's doing his best to appear relaxed on the sofa, but the way that he taps the top of it gives him away. "How's it going?"

You could die right there, you really could. After everything, he's asking... how it's going? "It's good, it's good!" The sweetness in your voice is sticky. "Just got back, so it's kind of crazy, moving into a new place, you know, but it's exciting!"

"Hmm." He lifts his eyebrows as he nods slightly. "Yeah, heard you were back. Mum told me you stopped by hers looking for me."

You grit your teeth. Hopefully, your smile doesn't turn to a grimace. "I didn't know where else to look. And as you blocked me on everything, there wasn't much else I could do."

"You didn't have to look for me."

"I can go, if my presence is really bothering you." This is not the Billy that you missed - bitter, miserable. This is the one you tried to stop him from becoming. Maybe the old Billy is in there somewhere, but...

"Wait!" Your hand is on the doorknob when he stands up suddenly. "No, don't. I'm sorry. I just... it's a bit much."

"I didn't know you were in here, I swear," you reply softly. "I just needed a moment to myself."

He nods in understanding. "Sit with me. I won't be a dick, I promise."

"Don't make a promise you can't keep." But your words are kinder now, the grimace gone. You sit down on the sofa together, and he offers you his can. You take a grateful sip from it. It's bitter. You haven't had a Stella since you left him. God, the taste makes a whole world rush back. The tears in your eyes are sudden and stinging; you blink them away as best you can.

"I regretted it for a long time, you know?"

"What did you regret, Billy?"

His head is against the back of the sofa and his eyes are closed. The slope of his throat is smooth, the line of his Adam's apple so familiar. Memories of kissing him there flood your mind, making it hard to concentrate. His hair is the same as it always was, dusky blond and soft, flopping over his forehead. How sweet he used to sound when you pulled it.

"Not trying harder for you."

"Oh, Billy-"

"I shouldn't have let you go."

"It's all in the past now."

Licking his lips, he looks over at you. "Is it?"

You nod sadly. "Too much has happened."

"Like what?" And then, he takes the beer from your hand and puts it on the floor, and his knuckles brush your thigh. "Looking at you now feels like before."

You stand up as anger rises in you, sadness, too. "It's a memory you want, not a future."

"No, it's not."

"I know you, Billy. You want something that's easy, and memories are easier than reality."

"Don't be like that."

You face him, standing in front of him, and any softness has left you now. "I know about Becky, Billy. I know about it all."

He looks down. He's not wearing a ring. "I don't wanna talk about that."

The thin grasp on your emotions breaks. "I waited for you! When I left you, I told you that one day, I'd come back, and until then, I'd wait for you! That I'd build a life for myself that you can be a part of if you waited for me, too! And you didn't wait!"

"I wanted to. But-"

"But what?"

"How could I have believed someone better wouldn't come along?"

You blink and straighten up. "You wanted someone better?"

"No!" he says in alarm. "No, I mean someone better for you! God, I mean, look at you! You're... you're everything, and I'm just... just-"

"You were everything to me, Billy. And I waited, I fucking waited. There's been no one since you, not even a date. And yet I come back home after building the life I promised you, to find that you're married and with a kid!"

His eyes are getting red. He licks his lips and nods almost nervously. "Yeah, I'm married. To a woman I don't love, with a kid that's gonna grow up to hate me."

"Is that supposed to make me pity you?"

"I don't need anyone's pity, least of all yours."

With his words ringing in your ears, you turn on your heel and storm out of the room, slamming the door behind you. He kissed you for the first time in that room. It's not the first time he's broken your heart, though.

Sofia catches you on her way to the loo, and sees the anger in your face. She drags you upstairs into her bedroom, and you tell her about Billy. She comforts you, reassuring you that yes, this is her engagement party, but you're her friend, and she doesn't mind that you need her now.

When Billy appears in the doorway, she stands in front of you protectively. Assuring her it's alright, she reluctantly leaves you to it.

"But if you make her cry," she warns on her way out, "I will castrate you, William."

The use of his proper name makes you smile faintly. But then his gaze is on you and you're alone again, and he locks the door and it makes you shiver.

He locks the door.

He locks the door.

"What more is there possibly to say?" you ask defensively.

"I need you to understand."

"Understand what?"

This time, it's you that's sitting and him who's looming over you. He's so fucking tall, it could kill you. He used to be so heavy atop you, and you used to wonder if he would crush you. What a way to go, you used to think.

"What happened with Becky."

"Why do you want me to understand?"

He looks at you darkly. "You know."

And you do. It sends a thrill through you. "Then talk."

"The day you left, it's like... it's like something died. I knew you'd have this great life, and I'd never be a part of it again, and that killed me. Do you get that? You were the best part of me, and you left."

"I told you I'd come-"

He holds up his hand to silence you, and you hate how easily it works. His hand is so big. It used to wrap so easily around your throat. You swallow.

"So I fucked my way through the next year to forget you. And you know what? Every single girl I got drunk enough to fuck turned into you. I don't know how many of them heard me say your name. Every single one of them had the same colour hair as you, so when I took them from behind, I could imagine you."

It should make you sick. It's warped, but it makes heat bolt between your legs.

"Then Becky came along. Opposite of you. She looks nothing like you, acts nothing like you, too. We hated each other, but loved each other, too. You and me, we... we were stable. Steady. Becky offered something different. We shouldn't have stayed together, and we broke up for a bit, but then... Cransted."

"You don't have to talk about that." Your voice is softer now. "Your mum told me everything."

"No, no, it's good for me to talk about. That's what Lana says. And my therapist." He takes in a deep breath and continues. "I wasn't ready to die. And in that car, so many thoughts were running through my head. Of course, you were one of them."

You look down at your hands in your lap. What can you possibly say to that?

"Me and Becky got married a month after that. I didn't know what else to do with myself, and we were both fucking scared. We weren't careful and she got pregnant."

"You always wanted to be a dad."

"With the right woman, yeah." He sinks to his knees in front of you, and it's impossible not to notice his dark expression.

'You shouldn't talk like that. She's your wife."

"I wish she wasn't."

He rests his forheead on your bare knee. He pushes the skirt of your dress up. It makes your thighs tense. "Don't."

"I'll do whatever I want."

You stand up angrily. You'll leave him here just like you did in the living room, you don't care-

Before you can unlock the door, Billy presses you against it, his face inches from yours. "You didn't want anyone else but me, did you?"

"That's over now."

"No, it's not." He presses his knee between your thighs and you try not to shiver at the pressure.

"Let me go, Billy!" You hit his chest and try to push him away, but he catches your wrists and pins them above your head.

"You belong to me, don't you?"

"I belong to myself!"

"If that's true, why didn't you look for anyone else? It's been years, baby."

God, how much you used to love that pet name. He'd call you his baby girl, his pretty thing, his sweetheart, while you sucked his cock like you needed it to breathe. Even now, it makes you suck in air.

"Because I was waiting. There's nothing to wait for anymore."

"Liar." And then his lips are on your neck. He lifts up his leg, and your hips grind down. It's instintive. It's desperate.

"Fuck you," you whimper.

"That's it," he encourages. "Let me give you what you need."

"I don't need anything from you."

"Hmm. Such an attitude now." One of his large hands easily pins both of yours above your head, and the other wraps around your neck. Slender fingers find their old place against the vein under your skin, and he presses against it until you feel light-headed. Your eyes droop slightly, and he lets go with a smug smile. "That's it, baby. You gonna admit you want this, now?"

"I don't."

"Don't say that," he whispers against your ear. "It makes my dick hard."

Shivers go through you again. You grind harder against his thigh. "You're sick in the head."

"Sick for you."

"What about your wife?"

And then, he kisses you.

It's rough and deep, his tongue on the inside of your teeth, his lips hard and demanding. You both moan, both your hearts are racing. He forgets about the hand keep you in place, and instead, he uses both of his to yank down the neckline of your dress.

"Fuck, look at you." It's uncomfortable for a moment as he pushes your bra down, but you shrug your shoulders free of the straps, and then his hands pull you free and his fingers are squeezing you just like they used to. Your head drops back against the door, and his familiar mouth finds its way over your breast. He kisses your soft skin, biting and licking across the swell of your flesh until his lips find your hard nipple.

"Remember how I used to make you come from this alone?" he murmurs around your breast.

"No," you protest half-heartedly. Of course you remember. Over the years, you've tried to make yourself finish just by playing with your nipples, but it never worked. Not like it worked with him. "Stop it, we can't-"

"We are."

"Billy-"

"Fuck," he grunts. He pulls away his leg from between yours before grabbing your hips and lifting you up. "I need more."

"Please," you beg. Your body responds before you can even think about it, and you wrap your legs around his waist. He bends down his head to suck on your nipple against as he begins thrusting against you. Through your underwear, and his soft trouers, you can feel his hard cock grind against your cunt.

"Oh, my God," he moans. "God, you feel so good, baby."

"We have to stop!" you beg. But your legs are too tight around him. He grinds against you desperately, like a man possesesd.

"Mine. My pretty girl, you're where you belong. Look at me, now."

Dropping your head against the door, you look at him with heavily-lidded eyes. His cheeks are flushed, his forehead damp. His lip twitches as he thrusts against you.

"Open your mouth."

"No."

"Yes."

"No," you hiss.

With one arm still holding you firmly against the door, he grasps your face and presses your cheeks. It hurts so fucking much and it forces your jaw open. He spits into your mouth. Disgusting. You swallow gratefully.

"That's it," he praises lowly. "You're gonna make me come just doing this, baby."

"Don't call me that." Pleasure is mounting in you already. Just from dry humping, like you're teenagers again. But he makes you feel like a virgin again. And him calling you that doesn't help cool your passion.

"Why not?" He stills his thrusts. "Does it make your clit hard?"

It's impossible to hold back your moan. "Let me go."

He obliges - for a moment. Billy lets you go only to set your feet back on the ground, and then he spins you to press your face against the door, and he pushes up your dress. When he can't push your underwear to the side as much as he wants, he yanks it down. When you refuse to comply with taking it off, he just tears it. It leaves red marks on your thighs, the violent action, and you almost come from the senstation alone.

Fuck Billy Washington.

"God, I can smell you," he groans against your ear. "Did you think about me when you touched yourself for all those years apart?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Glancing over your shoulder, you can't hold back a choked moan. He only pushes down his joggers - couldn't even wear a nice pair of jeans for his mates' party, pathetic - enough to free his cock, and it's as perfect as you remember.

He notices how your mouth hangs open at the sight. "You want it in your sweet mouth, baby?"

"No," you whine.

"Do you suck on dildos and think of me?"

"No."

"I think you do," Billy whispers. Into your hair he presses his forehead, and he looks down as he bends you forward. You resist only a little - and then he's there, pushing you open. "Fuck, you're so perfect."

Tears spring in the corner of your eyes from the absolute need he's driving into you, body and soul. He's not yours anymore - but, God, you're still his. "Billy!"

"I wish you could feel how good you feel," he praises with a strained voice. Once he's fully sheathed inside you, he pauses, as if to drink it all in. "So fucking wet for me. So relaxed. You need this, don't you?"

Resting your head on the door, you shake it. "Fuck you."

"Hmm." He bites your ear and then blows into it, making goosebumps rise along your flesh. "Try again, baby."

"Fuck you."

"You want me to stop?"

You don't reply. The only response he gets is your strained breathing. And then, after a long moment, "no."

"Let me hear it."

You shake your head.

"Please," he whispers, nearly shaking from the restraint it takes to not lose control. "Please say those words I've missed. It'll be so good for you, my sweet girl."

Sweet girl. Baby. It's ridiculous, you know, but those names undo you. "Please," you beg. "Fuck me."

And he does.

He fucking does.

The pace he sets is relentless and brutal. He has to clamp his hand over your mouth to keep you quiet as he pounds into you again and again, pushing you higher and higher. You bite his palm and fingers in an attempt to stay silent, and the pain you cause makes him hiss.

But it doesn't matter. He's buried inside of you, his hands are all over you, and he's here, he's here, he's here. Billy, your Billy.

"Never again," he grunts between thrusts. "Not letting you go."

"Not leaving," you promise against his hand. Tears are rolling down your cheeks from the stinging pleasure of his cock, from how brutally high he's pushing you, from the years of frustration without him.

"Who do you belong to?"

"You," you babble mindlessly. "And you're mine."

"God, yes, I am," he promises.

The sound of your wet skin slapping together fills the bedroom. Downstairs, the thumping bass of the party hides your noises, you hope. He pushes two fingers into your mouth and you suck on them greedily. He gags you on them just for the delight of hearing you choke. Then he runs them, wet from your spit, down to your freed breast, and rolls your nipple between them. Carefully, he pulls on it, and it's a stark contrast to how hard he's fucking your pussy.

"Close," you moan. "Billy, yes, yes, don't stop, please-! Please-!"

His hard and fast pace is so much. He grunts against your ear, and then his nose is in your hair, and he bites your ear. "C'mon, baby, come on my cock!"

"Touch me," you beg.

And then his fingers are crooked around your clit, flicking and squeezing just how you always liked, and it has you higher and higher and tighter and tighter and the feeling won't let up and you're close, so close, there can't be anywhere else to go-!

"Billy! Billy! B-!" Your orgasm crashes over you in waves that spread through your whole body. You're spiralling, falling, writhing with it, your heart racing and pleasure exploding between your thights, up your chest, over your scalp. Your choked noises make your throat raw, the intensity makes your cheeks wet.

With your cunt still clenching and relaxing in increible aftershocks, Billy pulls out just in time to spill. Roughly, he bites your shoulder to keep quiet, but his name is on your lips. You feel him tremble behind you, how his knees are going weak.

You both stand there for a long moment, your back against his chest, his head in the crook of your neck. Slowly, he pulls your dress back down, and he pushes himself back into his trousers. After that, his hands find your waist. You try to pull away, but he won't let you go.

"Stay," he whispers. "With me."

"Billy," you murmur. The reality of what has just happened begins to sink in. "This... can't happen again."

"It will, though."

When you turn to face him, there is no regret in his face. "It can't."

He strokes your hair back from your face in a gesture that feels just as intimate as what just happened. "I won't let you go again."

"You're married."

"I'll leave her."

"You have a child."

"I love you more."

You shake your head. "You don't mean that."

He doesn't smile. 'What if I do?"

"I... you shouldn't. It's wrong."

"Don't care."

"Billy. You can't leave your wife."

"So you're happy to let me cheat on her with you?"

You wince. "This was a mistake."

"The only mistake either of us made was me letting you go. And I'm never, ever, doing that again." His blue eyes are intense, bearing into you as if he's searching your very soul.

"Never?"

He kisses your forehead. "No matter the cost. Never again."

[thatbitchyoulivewith]

I noticed something when I saw the ed for Spy x Family Season 2. I kept putting it to the back of my mind because I assumed that I didn't find it. But with each new episode I would always look. But no matter how many times I watched the ed I still couldn't find it. What am I talking about? The grenade pin of course!

Take a look, the grenade pin can be found during this entire segment until Yuri shows up. In this first part, it's next to Anya. The second, it's next to Emile. Third, next to Fiona. And in the fourth part, the grenade pin is no where to be found. Probably due to Yuri's hatred towards Loid for "stealing" Yor. Yuri wants Loid and Yor to divorce, even though he is no longer explicitly stating it. The absence of the grenade pin is most likely because of Yuri's refusal to acknowlege Loid and Yor's marriage. Now you may be wondering, "Well if that's the case, then why is the grenade pin present with Becky and Fiona?" Despite both of them having a crush on Loid, Becky actually respects Yor and states that she wants to be strong like her (even if that's because she thinks she'll then have a chance at getting with Loid). As for Fiona, despite her hating Yor and knowing that the marraige is fake, she still ackowleges the fact that Loid and Yor are TECHNICALLY married. And unlike Yuri, who refuses to see any development between Loid and Yor, Fiona sees it. She sees it all. She hates it, but she sees it. A part of Yuri knows that Yor cares about the Forgers, but his sister complex refuses to accept it. He stopped telling Yor to divorce Loid when he saw how determined she was to learn how to cook for Loid and Anya. Despite this, he still doesn't approve of their marriage. And that's probably the reason why the grenade pin is seen with Fiona but not Yuri.

Sorry this turned out so long, I just had a lot of thoughts on this.

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

Do me the honor? (Tierna Davidson x Reader)

This is just a cute little something that took a couple of hours to write, inspired by Tiernas first game back. Hope you enjoy :)

Words: 880

---

You got this baby, I'm sorry I can't be there.

It's okay, I understand.

You're nervous aren't you?

A bit yeah. It's been a long time since I've played at that level

I know baby, it's okay to be nervous and it okay to ease back into a little bit. Just try to enjoy it, you've worked so hard to get back, you deserve to have a bit of fun.

Thank you Y/n/n. I have to go, the bus just got here. I love you so much, I'll call you later tonight if you're still awake.

I love you T, go kick some ass.

Once Tierna hung up I started getting ready to head to the stadium. It was her first national game back after tearing her ACL. It may have been a small lie on my behalf that I couldn't make it to the game. I was going to be there and I was planning on proposing to her after the game. I probably could have gotten away with her knowing I was there, but it would have been harder to sneak away to set up the conference room for after the game. We were pretty private with our relationship so I knew she wouldn't want a public proposal. She wanted one with either just us or with friends and family.��

I had been planning this with Tiernas family and team mates for a few months now. They had helped me keep it a surprise, get permission to use the conference room, get me into the game and pretty much anything else I needed. I spent the time when they were warming up and before Tierna was subbed on to set up the room. I set it up to look like a celebration of her return, with welcome back banners, balloons, champagne, and flowers. 

Tierna played amazing as usual. There were a few times that she held back a bit, but she was having fun and that was what mattered the most. It allowed her to build up the confidence she lost after her injury. Once the game ended, I waited in the conference room with her family while the girls celebrated and showered. Knowing them the celebration would continue on for hours if there wasn't someone to stop them. For that reason I had tasked Ali with the job of reminding them of the plan. 

Her parents where waiting up front when Tierna walked in. She hugged them tightly before her eyes locked with mine. "Y/n?"

"Hey T."

Tierna threw her arms around me, burying her face in my shoulder, "You're here."

"I wouldn't have missed it for anything. You did amazing baby, I am so proud of you."

She finally looked around the room properly, a small smile appearing, "This is why you told me you weren't coming?"

"It would have looked suspicious if I kept disappearing. The girls helped me pull it off."

I let Tierna catch up with her parents and celebrate with her team for a while. She had missed them like crazy during her recovery. It was hard enough not being able to play, adding in not being around some of her closes friends didn't help. They had kept in touch through text and the occasional facetime, but it wasn't the same. It had been a rough year, mostly for Tierna, but it was hard for me to see her so down. Especially at the start when she started to become withdrawn from everything, ignoring everyone and tried to push me away. So seeing her laughing and joking around with the biggest smile I've seen in a long time, it warmed my heart in a way I didn't think possible. All I wanted was to see Tierna happy. 

After about half an hour, I decided I couldn't wait any longer and got everyone's attention. 

"While I did plan this as a celebration for Tierna because well I'm biased. I did want to also congratulate those of you who have also recently made it back after injuries. And a special congratulations to Becky for making 200 caps. You are all amazing." Ali discretely handed me the little black box, "As you all know, well except you Tierna, I have a surprise for you T. When I first met you, my life was pretty messy, I was pretty messy. You could have ran, I wouldn't have blamed you, but you always stuck by me and supported me in the good times and the bad. Even when things are rough, it feels easy with you. You're my bestfriend, my person and I can't imagine my life without you. So with that being said

Tiernas eyes shone with tears as I sunk down on one knee, opening the box, "Tierna, will you do me the honor of marrying me?"

Tierna pulled me up, connecting our lips in a long, slow kiss that quickly became wet with tears, "Yes, yes of course I'll marry you Y/n. I love you."

The ring slipped easily on her finger, "I love you T, more than you will ever know."

"Ditto. I can't believe you did this for me."

"It's nothing really, you deserve to be celebrated."

"You flew my family here, that's not nothing."

"Well I would do anything for you. You deserve this and more baby. I'm going to do everything I can to give you the life you deserve."

[yesshewritestoo]

Ungodly Hour, ch. 1

Fallon sat in one of the recording studios with her father and Anika, notebook in hand. She wasn't sure why she was there, since she wasn't the one who would be inside the booth. The one inside the booth was V, one of the artists signed to Empire. Fallon rolled her eyes as V started singing. She didn't have anything against her, she just wished Lucious would actually let her sing the song she helped write. He said it would be a duet, and here Fallon was, on the outside of the booth, listening to V sing solo.

I would tell you that I love you tonight, But I know that I've got time on my side, Where you going? Why you leavin' so soon? Is there somewhere else that's better for you?

"That's not balanced," Lucious told the sound guy, adjusting the levels as V kept singing. Fallon sighed, resting her chin on her fist. It wasn't the sound, it was V. The song lacked emotion. Seemed like Lucious felt the same, since he stopped the track in the middle of her singing. "I need you to sing like you are going to die tomorrow. Like this is the last song you will ever sing. You hear me? Show me your soul in this music." He looked at the sound guy. "Hit it again."

He started the track again, and V picked up where she left off.

I would tell you that I love you tonight, But I know that I've got time on my side, Where you going? Why you leaving so soon? Is there somewhere else that's better for you? What is love, If you're not here with me? What is love, If it's not guaranteed? What is love, If it just ups..?

V stopped singing, waiting for a reaction from Lucious. He was quiet, spaced out. Fallon stood up, putting her hand on her father's shoulder. "Dad." He finally came back, noticing the eyes on him.

"You okay, boss man?" the sound guy asked.

"It's not there yet," Lucious said, standing up.

"Still?" Anika asked, watching him walk.

"Bunkie, wake up," Lucious told his cousin, who was currently having a power nap on one of the couches. "Wake your ass up!" He walked into the booth with V.

"Nik," Fallon called, getting her attention. She stood next to her. "Is Dad okay?" This wasn't the first time Lucious has zoned out in the middle of something. In these last few months, it seemed Lucious had been paying no attention to her at all. He didn't do much of that before, but now he didn't even do the bare minimum.

Anika looked down at Fallon, arms folded. "You know how your father is. He's just stressed," she dismissed. Fallon didn't think that was fully true, but didn't say anything.

"Yeah, I heard we were going public."

"How'd you find out about that?" Fallon looked at Anika with a knowing look. "Becky?" Fallon nodded. That girl couldn't keep a secret to save her life. The two chuckled as Lucious walked out of the booth, telling the sound guy to hit it again, for the third time.

And there it was. The emotion that was missing. She finally pulled it together. She sounded good, as much as Fallon hated to admit it. But V was her friend, so she was happy for her.

"Wow," Fallon smiled.

"She is truly magical," Lucious mused. "I mean, her voice, her lyrics–"

Fallon didn't hear the last part of his sentence. Her lyrics. Her lyrics? Most of the lines V was singing were written by Fallon, and he had the nerve to call the lyrics hers?

"Right," Fallon scoffed, leaving the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't like it," Imani put her hands on her hips. She and Jamal were playing around, making a beat for a song Jamal wrote. Empire was throwing a yacht party, and all of the Lyons were there, enjoying themselves. Andre was walking around with his wife, Ronda, Hakeem was preoccupied with women in bikinis, feeding him shrimp, and Fallon was probably somewhere with Anika.

"What?" Jamal asked, letting the headphones rest on his neck. "You think you can do better than me or somethin'?"

Imani nodded, "Absolutely. May I?"

Jamal chuckled. "A'ight," he nodded. "Go for it."

Imani pulled her locs up into a ponytail as Jamal slid over on the seat in front of the piano. "I would do something like this." She played a few notes as Jamal held the headphones in between them so they both could hear the music. She smiled, seeing her brother bopping his head to the new beat.

Jamal nodded his head, smiling. "Okay," he nudged Imani. "I like that."

"You're welcome," Imani stood from the seat, seeing Hakeem coming down the stairs.

"Don't get cocky, now," Jamal chuckled.

"Empire state of mind," Hakeem started, making his way down the stairs. "Let's go!" He danced his way over to the soundboard. Imani laughed as the two shared the soundboard, moving in sync as they made a beat together.

Things are looking up, I'm ready for tonight, I feel good, real good, Can't nobody hold me down, I'm gonna take advantage of, All these flashing lights, Cause it's the best time, the best time for it, We can do it,

Imani laughed, moving away from the soundboard over to Jamal. She pulled her phone up to her lips, using it as a makeshift microphone.

Can't nobody tie me down, If you want I got it, Tomorrow's not promised,

Jamal laughed, looking up at his sister. She just read the lyrics for the song five minutes before they started playing around. And there she was, singing it like she wrote it. Just completely care free. He loved to see it.

So live inside the mo...ment, Tell me, what are we waiting for? Oh, what the hell are we waiting for?

Imani looked up at the balcony, seeing the oldest Lyon, Andre, standing there, looking over them with Ronda. She smiled, throwing them a wave. Andre gave a nod, and Ronda smiled down at her.

Hakeem moved away from the soundboard, adjusting the hat on his head. He stepped around Imani, starting to freestyle.

Yo, Mal, Yo, when I was five years old, I realized there was a road at the end, Pretty girls, cars and bank rolls, Gold and platinum plaques...

Imani danced around, making her way to the front of the piano. She sat down next to Jamal, watching his fingers glide across the keys. Hakeem continued freestyling.

Gotta believe in yourself and gotta know your worth, I did it clean as a whistle, stayed away from dirt, Ah, I told you I'mma get it, Everybody, they talkin' I dreamt about how I'm livin' Reality was written, I put effort in my vision, That's why I hustle so hard, To be the best that ever did it, oh!

Hakeem snatched the sunglasses off of his face, looking at his siblings. Those three were a force to be reckoned with whenever they sang together. If Fallon was with them, she'd add a whole new dimension to the sound with her enchanting, almost siren-like voice. Those four together would send Empire off the charts, if Lucious ever gave Jamal, Imani, and Fallon the time of day.

[tasam1075]

Search Abandoned

Jeff put the latest FBI report concerning his son's disappearance on his desk after reading the contents in dismay.

After almost six months of fruitless searches the FBI believed that there was no longer any real chance of finding Scott alive and they should be looking for his body instead.

His watch and other belongings, including blood-stained clothing, had been found, scattered across four states but no other trace of Scott had ever been discovered.

Lady Penelope, along with every IR agent, had been unable to find any trace of Scott.

The latest update from her was full of her frustration at the inability of her sources to locate any sign of Scott, she firmly believed that they should have found something by now.

The FBI had already scaled back their efforts, ready to call the search off.

Jeff wasn't ready to give up on his son but he didn't know what else he could do, where else could they look?

How was he supposed to tell everyone that the FBI now believed that Scott was dead, they would hopefully find his body eventually, that it was now a murder investigation rather than a missing person.

Maddie and Virgil were both blaming themselves for Scott being taken even though they couldn't have known what was going happen when Scott and Virgil left the hotel that evening, both ordered to take a break by their respective partners.

Only Imogen and Valerie, the twins whose early arrival had been caused by the stress of events, were giving them both a reason to carry on day after day.

Chloe, who now stayed close to her beloved Aunt-Bec, had the rest of her uncles reading with her, whenever IR requirements allowed them to do so.

Even John had been on the island for the entire time that Scott had been missing.

Five was on automatic, monitored by Brains, so John could fly Thunderbird 1 and act as Field Commander, a role that he excelled at even if it wasn't his preferred position.

Jeff knew that they would have to make other changes, Five had never been intended to be remotely operated for a prolonged period of time but they may have no choice.

He decided that he would tell the rest of the family about the latest news after the evening meal, once the children were safely in bed.

That discussion did not go well. Rebecca, Scott's heavily pregnant fiancee, broke down and had to be comforted by Maddie and Tintin.

Along with Grandma they escorted Rebecca to her room, not before notifying Jeff that someone would stay with her overnight.

Jeff was relieved that Becky wouldn't be alone, the last thing that anyone needed was another, stress induced, early delivery.

Scott's brothers wanted to drop everything and take over the search themselves, not wanting to stop until they'd found Scott, even shutting IR down.

Jeff, although he agreed with his sons' sentiment, knew that they couldn't do that. It was a heartbreaking decision to make but he knew that there was no choice, IR had to continue even if it meant that the active search for Scott had to be stopped.

It wasn't until John pointed out that Five could be running continual searches for any mention of Scott automatically, without any detrimental effects on IR operations, and that Penny would still have all agents looking for any clues that the others relented.

IR would continue operations, the search for Scott scaled down but never abandoned.

Two days later the FBI publicly announced that the search for Scott Carpenter Tracy, eldest son of billionaire Jefferson Tracy, had been downgraded and the investigation was now classed as a murder inquiry, despite the fact that no body had ever been found.

The Tracy family, publicly, declined to comment on the decision.

****************************************************************** "

All the chapters that I've posted here belong to the same fic.

I'm seriously stuck on the next two scheduled chapters - the characters will not talk to me.....

[asha-mage]

Tagged by: @gunkreads (thanky!)

1) Last book I read:

The Scottish Boy by Alex de Campi. I really really love me some historical fiction that digs into the actual political complexities and realities of the feudal system. Defiantly one of the spicier books I've read recently, which made it fun to listen to when I was doing mundane activities like shopping. The audio book narrator is absolutely stellar though, and I would recommend to anyone who likes feudal politics.

2) A book I recommend:

The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune has become my Swiss army recommendation: a light contemporary fantasy, full of warm vibes and a sweet story at it's heart. It's still got teeth for tackling social issues- beneath the sweetness it is primarily a criticism of our Foster/education systems and how they fail the most vulnerable. I seem to recall that one of the praise quotes floated on this one a lot is 'feels like being wrapped up in a big fluffy gay blanket' and concur.

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

In Other Lands by Sarah Reese Brenan. A Narina pastiche about a annoying know it all who gets taken too a fantasy other world. It's incredibly funny and compelling and weird, and I couldn't stop reading it. Brenan is a master at making her characters both three dimensional and frustrating and so easy to love, and while I wish I knew more of the exact details of her world- she engages with the ideas and conflicts she sets up in a such multifaceted way that I don't really think I mind the lack of a map, or timeline, or political flowchart.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more)

Eye of the World by Robert Jordan. I've lost count of how many times I've read it exactly- more then thirty and at least once every few years since I first read it. This one is a core memory for me, or maybe a load baring pillar of my personality.

5) A book on my TBR

Oh man. A lot. Like. A lot a lot. But I really am hoping to get to Ocean's Echo by Evrina Maxwell this year. I adored Winter's Orbit so much, but Ocean's Echo has just been sitting on my nightstand, waiting.

6) A book I’ve put down

I really tried with Dark Rise by C.S. Pacat. I just couldn't get into and I don't know why. I may swing back to it when I find the time. It feels like I would like it a lot if I could get far enough in.

7) A book on my wish list

Lava Red Feather Blue by Molly Ringle. It seems very up my alley.

8) A favourite book from childhood

I've always had as soft spot for the Artemis Fowl books. I fell off them in a way I didn't with the likes of Percy Jackson and I wonder if I would feel the same way if I circled back around to them now- probably not but they'll always have a special place for being the books to introduce me to the heist genre and predispose me to liking things like Ocean's 8 and Leverage.

9) A book you would give a friend

As a gift? It would depend on the friend. A Psalm for the Wildbuilt by Becky Chambers probably- since it's short sweet and pretty impossible to hate imo. I have problems with Becky Chambers's brand of....warm cynicism? Their is an undercurrent to a lot of her works that boils down to 'humanity is screwed already short of some kind extra-human intervention', especially her Wayfareres series. I feel like Wildbuilt is one of her books that engages with that idea in a more thoughtful and interesting manner. It has some of the most thoughtful and interesting conversations about humanity and nature that I've run across in a long time, and it's short which is always a plus for a gift book.

10) The most books you own by a single author

Robert Jordan baby, at a cool 11 (or 14 depending on how you count the last three). I adore Jordan's Wheel of Time series more then I can put into adequate words. Core memory. Load bearing pillar. Canon event. Etc etc.

11) A nonfiction book you own

Not many. I'm not a big nonfiction reader to be honest. I think I have a copy of the Sawbones book, by Dr McElroy hanging around somewhere.

12) what are you currently reading

I'm currently revisiting the Percy Jackson series. I intend to probably take a tour through the whole thing- the original five, HOO, Magnus Chase, Trials of Apollo, etc etc. Partly it's a desire to watch the show but also a desire too reexamine my relationship to these works. I read them while I was in their target audience, and while not as foundation for me as WoT, I would say their still pretty important.

13) what are you planning on reading next?

I think I want to try and give Heaven's Official Blessing another go. It's the only MXTX work I've bounced off of, which is weird since I'm pretty sure consensus is that it's her best work. I've been meaning to get back to it for a while. If still bounce off it, I'll try something off TBR- either Ocean's Echo or Lava Red Feather Blue.

Tagging: @highladyluck @veliseraptor @ace-and-ranty

[brick-a-doodle-do]

I will def be sending more but a lil tied up atm so here is the first one I thought of.

Why is it that Humans always end up with odd socks?

Could it be that perhaps a small tiny finds humour in watching the Human bend over backwards trying to find the missing sock?

(You can do any characters but I think a tiny Tommy stealing socks to prank people would be hilarious! Or maybe even tiny bench trio stealing everyones socks :3 go wild Brick!!!)

ahhh becky thank you! this is a very cute idea :D i'm tackling all the fluffy ideas first because it's easy to keep those short dsfjfsfjd

(might make this a multi-parter or an au because i think i jumped the gun with how quick tommy was found. lmk!)

i'll be unclean, i'll be obscene

cw: swearing, brief panic

wc: 784

—–—

One, two, three, four, five, ah, so on—he's bored now.

Point is: he's doing good. While his little sock-stealing hobby had begun when he'd simply needed the material, he had lived through the humans' frantic responses to when he took only one, and he found the scene to be rather amusing, which immediately struck up an urge to do it just purely for the hysteria it caused.

Now, five months down the line, he's got a healthy stash of mitch-matched socks that sit in unused hallways until he's ready to give them back. His decision to is always spiritic; one day he may decide to toss it somewhere, another day he'll return it to it's exact place, and occasionally he'll keep it to give into his greedy urges.

Tommy usually only does it because a human pisses him off. He can't say he particularly knows the human he's housing with, and he can't say that he can tell them apart all of the time, and technically, he doesn't really know their names apart from an occasional yell that's too incoherent for him to make out, (Techno? That couldn't be right), but he does know who irritates him: all of them.

Living in a house with a middle-aged man and two young adults drew a tough situation; things were either too messy to be considered his time, (Seriously, how is he meant to make a beeline to the thing he wants if it's blocked off by fucking mountains of clothing and trash? Gross as shit.), or too tidy to be able to be hidden in case of an emergency.

Which is why they get on his nerves, hence why he doesn't find it harmless to steal a few socks every now and then!

As of late, a human had obscured his view of the house with a shopping bag, (Which he used for safety), , but not for food—for clothing. The tall one. Wil? Wilba?

So, off he went, down the ramp leading to his spot in the walls and straight through the dim walls, where he followed the path from muscle memory, (The brown-haired human pissed him off a lot), until he saw an opening.

He steps out, smothered by half-darkness and half-light. The hole in the wall was under Wilbur's bed, hidden behind where Wilbur usually kept his guitar.

It was risky, but the stand was enough to keep it hidden, and plus, it was easy to scale up it and find footing on Wilbur's nightstand, which led to the windowsill, which led to a series of shelves, which led to his dresser.

So, he follows that path, digging his nails into the foamy texture of the guitar stand and making a determined move to the nightstand.

He traces the length of the tabletop, then pulls a hook from his cloak and gathers the rope attached to it, winding it carefully and making sure his shot would be easy.

Tommy moves his arm back, then throws the hook overhand. It catches onto the end of the windowsill and he tugs, before moving closer so he can start climbing. His arms lack good strength,(Although at this point they really shouldn't), and he struggles to get up.

He curses out as he slips, but catches onto the windowsill before falling any further. Tommy pulls himself up and gathers his hook from it's spot in the wood, then continues on. He climbs up to a shelf with practiced ease, then jumps down to the dresser.

Sock drawer, next stop. Fortunately, it was the highest drawer in the thing, next to another one that he had little interest in. Socks were his expertise.

He shifts to kneeling down, where he peers over the edge at the handle, which is positioned down, as it often is. Ah, well, he can pry it open.

Tommy does simply that, putting a hand in the crease of the drawer and using all of his strength to creak it open. It's a slow and agonizing process that leaves his arm screaming from the usage, but it gets him what he needs.

Fucking prick will think next time before leaving clothing in the kitchen.

He climbs in, making a quick glance to the door as he does.

Unfortunately for him, as he makes the gesture, a large and impending shadow is bestowed upon his thievery, and he's left gazing up, and up, and up, and...

Ohfuckingfucktheresahandcomingrightforhim—

He yells out as two fingers pinch at the back of him, holding him up by the hood of his cloak as the brown-haired human stares at him in mild disgust, brief curiosity and seeping amusement.

"Ah, you're a pesky fucking thing, then, aren't you?"

—–—

[sussoro]

hello!! please tell me more about your detective for M who’s gonna freak out when they say ily because that reaction and the aftermath is going to be so so good 💆🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️

hello to you too! hope you're doing well 💕 i'm really sorry it took me so long to reply, but i needed to sort through my very confusing thoughts to give them some sort of consistency, sjksjks. if you guys ever find yourselves curious about any of my ocs (which you can easily find here) please, do not hesitate to ask! i just love talking aimlessly about them and receiving these types of questions makes my heart all fuzzy and warm, so thank you for taking an interest in one of my wayhaven detectives!

okay, you didn't ask for my stupid rambles (and i swear one day i'll stop — *insert the 'today is not that day' meme*) so here are some facts:

RUE PARKER

‘the wayhaven chronicles’ canon

personality stats: sarcastic, easygoing & charming (also: not really a stickler for the rules and authority in general);

professional skills: deduction, science & combat — no matter what she's doing or how many times she's done it, the results will always be perfect and spot on;

rebecca → relationship status: not overly bad. honestly? could be better, but it could be much, much worse (personal note #1: rebecca is not my favourite character in the series and i'd probably be happier if she had died already — fingers crossed for book 5, sorry-not-sorry, becky — or, at least, if the narrative/characters would stop forcing the readers/mc to forgive her);

tina & verda → relationship status: best pals. her ride-or-die squad;

felix → relationship status: best friend. she found a mischievous kindred soul to relate with and if you ever encounter them together... run (there's this scene at the beginning of book 3, where adam/ava asks why the werewolves attacked them and rue answered with: "i may have made one teeny sarcastic comment", causing adam's/ava's soul to leave their body, lol);

bobby → relationship status: ex-boyfriend (personal note #2: i've always hated that the mc's gender/sexuality is what determines the ros' and bobby's gender) — she's not bothered by him at all, but since her responses are very sarcastic, well... rest in peace, robert marks;

mason → relationship status: a big, bright question mark;

personal canon

if i have to choose a few words to describe her, i'd say: naturally talented, wild card & big dick energy;

hyperactive little kid — couldn't stay still at all. always exploring the world around her, climbing up some tree/furniture or hiding somewhere in the house/backyard to play (the sitters tasked with keeping an eye on her went batshit crazy all. the. time);

as i said here, rue is extremely smart, often prone to boredom if something is not mentally challenging/stimulating enough (which can also be applied to her romantic relationships);

if you ever need someone to cut out some tension (or spike it up even more), she is the right gal for you. unfortunately, 99% of the time, the saying 'taking things seriously' is not part of her vocabulary (e.g. in book 3, when finding out about the trappers' bounty, she says: "how much am i worth?"). what can i say, she really likes to have a good time;

sarcasm is her default mode, plus she always downplays her feelings/emotions by either ignoring them or making badly-timed jokes;

rarely bothered by anything (e.g. in book 3, during the 'fight' with mason/morgan at the bakery, rue replies with: "me being naked is way more important to you") plus, not a jealous person ever (alima included, when she'll make her appearance);

was in an on-again/off-again relationship with bobby. after a while, though, she got exceedingly bored by the monogamous lifestyle and decided to dump his ass;

never had serious relationships/fell in love before — this is partly because: a) she's a free-spirited person & b) she's scared shitless of commitment (mostly caused by rook's death and seeing what that did to rebecca). in a sense, she and mason are quite similar;

just thinking about the word 'love' has her panicking really bad (i.e. after the 'date' at the antique shop), so when mason will inevitably confess his feelings to her... the only way i can see this going is with rue assuming it's all some kind of prank but, once her huge brain will catch on the fact that mason is not exactly the joking type, she will get cold feet and blearily say: "uhh, thank you, i guess?". after realizing what she has said/done, she will skedaddle so fast that the only thing people are going to see is an indistinctive, blurry form (later, she will definitely wish for an asteroid to hit her);

likes to sing everywhere: in the shower, at her workplace, inside the car, you name it (and she's also very good at hitting those high notes too — while she was attending the police academy, 'the karaoke incident' happened and no one beside her and tina knows the truth about it. verda is still trying to unsuccessfully bribe them to know what took place);

excellent chef — loves to cook/bake when she has some free time (she just thinks the entire process is pretty neat, starting with a few ingredients to achieve a full-on meal);

[demi-kitty]

Off antidepressants: a short mindramble about finding my creativity and then realizing that antidepressants "muffle" all I feel.

Personal experience with depression compressed over years finally being let out like a spring in a can. So many emotional experiences written about, so little time.

You can probable skip the paragraphs of recipe-level personal anecdotes. This is mostly metaphorical pseudo-poetic stream of consciousness about medicine and audhd *as my personal experience*.

I recently went off my meds

Just antidepressants

Not by choice really

I had started intermittently forgetting to take them

I don't know why

I started experiencing intrusive sleep

I was starting to unmask as I learned I might be AuDHD - ADHD and Autism

Things I had done years previously but had nearly forgotten now made sense. I cringed. Laughed at my child self, and moved on.

But my mind was hell, intermittent feeling muffled, intermittently my emotions threatening to break through.

I think it cost my my job

I smoked weed to hide the pain

I couldn't tell my mother

I stopped being a good employee

I stopped being a model human

My head was a mess

I'm praying for a dream to make me fall out of this world. Not stop, no, just make the world stop.

I need a break.

I'd like off this rides, the ups and downs are making me sick.

But I'm technically the only one at my job that can do what I do. I can't go off without worrying they'll be backed up. I'm barely needed, but needed at least once daily.

So I'm let go because the empty nothing of the day was dulling my mind and I couldn't think straight.

So I stop being insured

And I was out of zoloft substitute

And I was scared of the beast that had since been pacified

Three months of my medication being gone awaited me, three months of weekly "may I please have my medicine" and not hearing back anything but "we need insurance to schedule you".

Everything was chaos. Everything was bubbling over.

The smallest change in plans sent me into a meltdown.

I forgot that I was attending a family get together, and my mom being kind and reminding me a few hours early made me break down.

Full meltdown, fully sobbing and crying "please" in the shower, while scrubbing myself down and telling myself I'll feel better in a few hours.

Begging, pleading, my whole skin and bones wanted to just plop onto my computer chair and play the games. Easy dopamine was better than leaving my comfort zone.

I dried myself off with my musty towel, don't mind the cat box needing cleaning in the same room. I throw on clothes the cats have slept in, pretending I can hide the wrinkles. I sneak some weed without thinking. Maybe it'll make me think clearer.

I text my mom and ask if we can get something from the store for the potluck. Mom agrees. I get something for the kids, and something I known I'll eat. Suddenly Becky's store-bought cookies make more sense. I'm fighting tears and feel like an infant the entire walk from mum's car to the store and back. The kids play Bocce Ball and I can't stop reminiscing.

It's a lovely gathering, everyone behaves like adults. My grandparents expressed sympathy about the housing market last time we met, a few months ago. I forgot to tell them I'm unemployed now. Might as well tell them here. We talk about how to get a job like adults trying to be logical about the job market. I bite my tongue about autism as much as I can.

My mother who has made ends meet during a financially abusive father chimes in, she's looking for a part time job. Her apartment is unaffordable, and she lives with her partner now. They're happy, but things are looking rough even from there.

We discuss activism. I tenderly ask about the house my grandparents lived in before they moved back into their trailer.

I'm back home before I know it. I've had a real meal. I've had some real socializing.

And the days before, and the days after, it's hell. All blended together. These 3 months. That was just one event.

But for once something else pushes through. A huge sensation of spite.

Motivation.

Motivation pushing something old from inside me.

I want to make

I'm an artist again

I'm seeing colors.

The difference between the hues, the structure of the bones to the muscles to the skin to the hair and clothes.

My the skills are rusty. It's clunky.

I'm able to pour my soul into something again. I'm ready to learn and grow again.

I start to make. I draw.

I get a glove for my tablet.

I play with colors.

Lineart.

I finish a piece.

It sucks.

I hate it.

And I love the feeling.

I understand what it feels like to have rekindled something.

I found my passion, my soulmate.

My best friend from toddlers to highschool found me again and it was the best.

But my old best friend still hadn't shaken their best friend.

The painful emotions that are expressed in creativity. Uncovered at last, hand in wonderful hand.

In between meals and cleaning up my apartment, I feel it.

So much pushing to the surface. I don't control it. It's not even tangible.

Layers upon layers of painted emotions to mask the real pain underneath.

All different colors in hindsight, blues and reds.

So many memories, so many emotions I've forgotten to feel. In moments I'm jubilation itself, dancing across my apartment and whispering sorry when I stomp.

In a split second tears are pouring down my face.

Agony courses through me.

I'm sobbing and wretching out my heart because there's too much overflowing.

Spilling colors and rainbows of emotion.

Van Gogh's madness makes perfect sense, and it hurts.

When you need to stretch a muscle you haven't flexed in a while, it tends to feel like you remember how to move it, but it hurts or it's stiff. It pops and hurts. You push it beyond its current means so it remembers to support you.

I could almost feel my mind reconnecting the wires as I sat back and painted on my iPad and on a canvas.

Like Viktor Frankenstein, I was gripped with creative madness and could not stop painting.

Pouring blues and blacks for a night sky, hoping to sieze the creative urge in the moment.

An old friend you suppress the urge to kidnap because you're scared you'll never see them again.

I remember why I studied art, studied Japanese.

Wow.

The world has so much color I forgot about.

So many details stick out, like I've been given glasses and the world is clearer.

The world's on fire, but I'm appreciating some of the smaller things again.

Things I forgot I could appreciate.

Vibrant sunlight filtering through leaves.

And anger. So much. So much anger.

It's foreign, it's lovely. It's overwhelming.

Love. For my little fictional characters. Their world is still there.

Ready to be made

The brain muscle flexes and my chest tightens.

And I sob for the years past boiling over.

And then it ends again. And I'm still sobbing.

Daily, my emotions pour out onto the floor. I'm mentally in the second grade reliving a memory, then I remember I'm here in my 25 year old body. Then I'm a teenager and it's 2014.

I can't even leave my house. I'm in shambles. Facing a demon I knew would attack one day, but hoped would never experience.

Medi-cal goes through. The one thing I wanted, needed, pleaded, was for a refill of sertraline. Make the pain go away. At any cost.

I can't even go for it myself. I feel like a coward as I text my mother, I'm too scared to leave the house. It's been too emotional.

"How are you feeling?" She asks as she worriedly gets me my sertraline.

Facing down eternity and every possibility to a single answer, I'm overwhelmed, and cry again.

Never better, I'm creating like it's an old friend.

Never worse, it's been months without a job and everything hurts.

I'm catching up on games I missed out on as a kid, I'm painting, I'm facing a normal, refreshing sleep schedule.

I can't interact with a human without turning into an emotional puddle of mental nonsense.

I should probably not be facing these moments alone, but I don't want my loved ones to see me like this.

Layers upon layers of my love and hate and pain are overflowing

Observations in antidepressants

For a split second it's magical

I'm able to make the calls I need. The most important things I can't stop pushing off are done.

I can read through a single Geronimo Stilton

Then it settles back again.

The emotional turmoil was there. It was just more muffled.

Like a jaguar that got out. It pounced and attacked. It was caged outside its habitat after all. The zookeeper put it back in. The zoo has started cleaning up.

The jaguar is still there, and it hungers for it's freedom.

I tasted freedom. I want to feel it again.

The antidepressants begin to cloud my abilities.

The world fades and blurs.

I stop painting again.

My passion projects fall out of my motivation and reach.

And I'm finally able to put words to how I feel.

The antidepressants feel like sludge.

I'm wading through the sludge of my mind. It all slurs together.

A blanket of sludge plopped on a problem. The pain is still abundant, so it's producing in excess.

The emotions had to try so hard to be heard, so when the dam was released it flooded the town.

The creativity is dimmed and the motivation is beyond my reach.

I sleep for hours because I can't remember how well-rested feels.

No wonder I felt like a robot.

What I crave most is being drip-fed on the wrong frequency and consistency. Everything is muffled, to the point the backup upon compressed backup started pushing things through.

A pressurized canister went off and I had years of pain and creativity to make up for.

I think the antidepressants kill my creativity.

They kill my motivation and create a block to both my emotion and the rest of myself.

I found the me I was happiest with in those moments of unmedication.

I found the me who couldn't stand reality and refused to partake another second.

I found the creativity I missed.

I found the suicidalmind I had fought so hard to forget.

But now the spigots are back to being identical.

Slow dripping.

I don't have much motivation to exist, to create, to feel.

I only feel motivated as I'm falling asleep late late in the night.

Then I'm convinced tomorrow I'll conquer the world.

After a nap.

A sludge blanket has compressed my world again.

It was great when feeling apathy could get me through the day, but now my skills are withering like non-native plants in the desert and I'm staring across a longer distance trying to reach out to that happiness I used to be able to grasp.

I'm not "me" on my medicine, because it keeps me from feeling the energy and joy that I've tied myself and my soul to.

But I'm "me" on my medicine because it stops me from feeling the pain that whispers "just a bit. You're so small, you could stop existing for a bit."

My creativity wants to be loud, but it's logic knows I won't get far.

I'm resigned to that, but my medicine makes the logic too loud it stops the rest of my creativity from keeping on.

There must be a way these coexist.

"I'm" pushed down like garbage, but it needs to be unpacked and sorted, otherwise everything I accidentally tossed in there will rot with it.

My brain is tired of wading through sludge. It's been focusing on pushing through for survival, it forgot that it was inhibited and started giving up.

It has so much boiling out from under the surface.

I think I need to look into taking a different antidepressant.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Two Word Fic Titles (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

Blank Canvas - rosegoldjh

Summary: Dan is an extremely talented but unrecognized tattoo artist, his body a black and white masterpiece. Phil, on the other hand, has everything against tattoos. When he’s dragged along to his sister’s addition to her collection of ink, he realizes that perhaps turning one’s body from a blank canvas into a work of art is something to find beautiful instead of repulsive.

Breaking Free - gorgeousdan

Summary: Phil’s somehow stuck with the task of auditioning new freshmen for drama in his art school. When he meets Dan Howell, the boy with the beautiful voice and even more beautiful face, his opinion of freshmen may change.

Beautiful Liar (ao3) - withawhimper

Summary: A devastating revelation from a cute stranger sitting in the bar where Dan is supposed to be meeting his boyfriend rocks Dan’s world- but it turns out that might not be such a bad thing

Cloud Watch (ao3) - howelllesters

Summary: pastel!Dan hates his new journal but writes in it anyway, and accidentally just ends up recording his feelings on punk!Phil, in a suitably melodramatic way.

Falling Flat - the-squirrel-queen

Summary: Dan is a pianist. A recent graduate from Juliard, he finds himself at a job playing music for school children. Phil is a music teacher at said school. They have a rather interesting relationship in class. A rather flirtatious relationship. The children see the interactions between the two and begin to wonder if they are in a relationship. Soon, a work relationship blooms into a romantic one through a love of music and each other.

Gay Fairies (ao3) - moonythejedi395 (orphan_account)

Summary: Everyone knew of Phil Lester’s deep hatred for Dan Howell. Everyone knew that Dan Howell was the gayest gay man to ever gay. Everyone assumed that Phil hated Dan because Dan would not stop hitting on Phil, and everyone agreed that even they would be irritated by that much flirting, however everyone did not know or even guess that Phil Lester really hated Dan Howell so much because Phil actually wanted to make out with him.

Heaven’s Gate (ao3) - danfanciesphil

Summary: Phil Lester, better known by his Instagram handle AmazingPhil, is an acclaimed UK tattoo artist on the hunt for the perfect muse for the latest instalment of his subject series ‘Heaven’s Gate’. His focus is on the celestial, so when an utterly angelic creature strolls right into his shop, Phil knows he has to have him. But could there be more to Dan than meets the eye?

Imaginary Friends - adorkablephil

Summary: Nothing’s AU … except that Dan and Phil have been appearing in each other’s dreams since childhood without realizing it because they’re soulmates. Everything on the outside looks like the reality we’re used to irl.

Love, Becky (ao3) - husbants

Summary: At a We’re All Doomed pre-show Q&A, Dan gets a question about his old characters Becky and Jessica.

He has a dream about them. And sometimes dreams inspire in peculiar ways.

Midnight Garden (ao3) - silentdescant

Summary: He who plants a garden plants happiness.

In which Phil is a gardener at the palace and Dan is a reclusive prince.

Missing Pieces (ao3) - amczingphil

Summary: When an accident occurs in the middle of filming a new video for the gaming channel, Dan finds himself becoming more reliant on Phil than he was comfortable with. Unfortunately, Dan needs the help and can’t push Phil away, but he can feel the situation beginning to dredge up feelings that Dan had pushed away years ago and buried deep within himself.

Vampire Moon (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Phil knew it was foolish to stay out late on the night of a full moon. It was even more foolish to agree to take a walk with Dan who was never up do any good. But Phil couldn't admit to himself that he had a blind spot concerning the vampire, and now he was going to pay for that.

Opposites Attract (ao3) - Do_it_with_the_Howell_Lesters

Summary: Pastel!Dan and Punk!Phil are complete opposites. Dan is a pastel, popular, fuckboy with a lot of confidence. Phil is a quite, reserved punk who is surprisingly shy. They have one thing in common; they don’t particularly like each other. What will happen when a class project has the two boys paired up together?

Project Poliwag (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Phil hadn’t intended for his garden to become a haven for rescued Pokémon, but it had happened accidentally. This particular rescue wasn’t that different, even though he had never rescued 117 Pokémon at once before. But he couldn’t leave the Pokémon eggs to be destroyed, and he was willing to raise a whole army of Poliwag on his own if he must.

What Phil hadn’t counted on was a stranger with a lost look in his eye turning up on his doorstep and offering to help with the project.

Purposeful Permanence (ao3) - artbabe

Summary: Dan hates doing his laundry at the university laundromat, so he takes his dirty laundry to Phil’s place.

Redemption Arc (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: classic, slightly dramatic rags to riches au

Separate Pages - sin-n-city

Summary: Dan finds it nearly impossible to think he never noticed Phil Lester. His note book is filled with doodles of lions and planets and stars and maybe the fluttery feeling Dan gets in the pit in his stomach isn’t such a bad thing

Summer Love (ao3) - outphan

Summary: Dan on a holiday meets a stranger who changes his whole life.

Theatre Class (ao3) - Star4545

Summary: Dan Howell is the new drama teacher with a classroom the size of a jail cell, students who won’t stop singing Hamilton, and the English teacher who won’t stop giving him bedroom eyes.

winter winds (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: coffee shop au

Yellow Love - botanistlester

Summary: The deal is to make bamf!Dan Howell want to date Nerd!Phil. But how can he go through with it when Dan’s eyes are the colour of chocolate and he has a dimple that makes Phil’s knees weak? He decides he can’t go through with it because he’s too afraid of falling in love before Dan ever will.

[dualnaturedscientist]

"Breathe... breathe. Look at the stars, kid."

Becky found herself pacing around the house once more. Thoughts wouldn't stop flooding her head. Where was her dad? He hadn't been home in days. Both Alex and Tristan had been searching everywhere they could for the mad scientist yet they unfortunately couldn't find a trace of him anywhere. It only made the dread she's been feeling grow even more so. Carl and Matthew had been keeping a watchful eye on her so Tristan and Alex could continue their search without having to worry about leaving Becky and Bob alone in the house. Though it gave her little comfort as questions whirled about in her mind. Who could've taken him? Did he leave because of her? The poor girl couldn't help but think of what happened just before her father had went missing. Bob looked at her with a worried expression. Knowing just how much she was tormenting herself over it. The monkey wasn't the only one to worry for her. Matthew had been watching her for a moment before going to her. Placing a hand to her shoulder, finally stopping her from going around in circles. "Oh, Grandpa. Sorry." He shook his head. Knowing just how worried she's been. Knowing how wild her imagination would be especially when it came to her father. "Don't be. Hey. It'll be okay, they'll find him. When they do, you'll be the first to know. I promise." Tears welled up within her eyes, lip quivering. Shaking her head at him. "But what if they don't? What if I never see him again. What if I drove him away?" Matthew frowned, he absolutely hated seeing his grandchild so sad. Weighed down by this. "You could never drive him away. That's for sure. He loves you. He loves you so much. You're the world to him." Tears began to roll down her face. "Before he went missing, I had a fight with dad. The last time we spoke. I shouted such horrible things to him!" Poor Becky began to hyperventilate, tears flowing down her cheeks. Matthew held out his hand to her, causing Becky to look down at his hand in confusion. "Come with me." She had no idea what he was going to do but took his hand. Allowing Matthew to lead her outside. It was already dark out. "Breathe...breathe. Look at the stars, kid." She proceeded to do so even though it still puzzled her. Sniffling as she looked up to the sky. "See those stars? Your father is under those same stars. Seeing those stars as you do. He may not be able to enjoy them with you right now but I promise you. He'll come back. I know for a fact he'd never let a silly squabble come between you two. He loves you too much. He'd move the heavens for you. So please, don't blame yourself for this." Becky couldn't hold back her sobbing, immediately clinging onto Matthew for comfort. He held her close and warmly.

[chvmpisms]

the fact was, seth was fairly confident he could beat the demon now. before ? evidently, he hadn’t. had come up short in almost every aspect … except for that championship gold, now slung over seth’s shoulder. not finn’s. really, finn couldn’t sling much over his shoulder. a fact seth was very, very well aware of. truthfully, he did feel a little bad for what he had done. or, he would, if he didn't see finn as such a dickhead. they're standing around, waiting for the show to start, and it had been one conversation with becky. one. something about how it was gonna be a good one. before seth knows it, he's being spun around, face to face and chest to chest with finn.

“ come near her again, and i will personally see to it that i not only take MY CHAMPIONSHIP back from you but that you find yourself ... permanently retiring. ” and he'd gladly deliver his head to triple h on a spike.

it does very, very little to scare seth off. he wasn't allowed to talk to his coworkers now ? bullshit. who did this guy think he was ? " think you'll find it's my championship. my logo on the sideplates, my name when they ask who the champ is. you may have had it first, but you couldn't hold onto it. sorry, not sorry. " seth isn't looking for a fight, especially not an unfair one. but he's pissing him off just enough that he'd be willing to get there. " and i'm not into your girl, so you can stop looking for reasons you think i'm the devil, or whatever. " / @dmndvtt

[literalcyborg]

I got you, but they’re mostly fix-its and not very smutty.

1. Bound To You by Chipper99

Rating: G

Ships: Destiel and Saileen

Word count: 128,103

Summary: “Faced with death, Dean makes one last ditch effort: praying to an Angel he knows wont hear him. Deans prayers are answered when a vessel-less Castiel forces himself out from the Empty, taking possession of Dean's body in order to heal him. Castiel's grace is running finite however, charged down after saving Dean's life. Now Castiel resides within Dean's mind, too weak to survive a transfer to another vessel, leading them to a desperate search for a way to rebuild his body. Time is of the essence, with Castiel's grace burning out with every passing day...”

Finale fix-it and possibly my favorite Destiel fic ever

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27845665

2. the sky is still blue by KweenRatKing

Rating: E

Ships: Destiel

Word count: 44,450

Summary: “When did it get so dark? Dean can’t even begin to guess how much time has passed. The world stopped the moment the light inside Castiel had gone out for good. He remembers sitting there on his knees, in complete shock and denial, for a long time before reality collided with him, far sooner than he ever would've expected it to. Far sooner than it ever has. And suddenly, just like that, all the pain had unraveled from him in a huge, revolting tangle, and he couldn't get it back in.”

S12 Ep3 fix-it

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22251388

3. 15x19 "Empty" by AreYouReady, hal_incandenza

Rating: T

Ships: Destiel and Saileen

Word count: 10,477

Summary: “Still reeling from the loss of their loved ones, Sam, Dean, and Jack try to regroup before the final battle. But Chuck is always five steps ahead -- and this time, he's brought an old friend with him.

The real 15x19, featuring dog-snapping, man-objectifying torture, "Juice" by Lizzo, and meta-commentary from our best friend Becky.”

Finale fix-it in a script format

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35224573

4. Carve a Palace from Within by norahastuff

Rating: M

Ships: Destiel and Saileen

Word count: 75,950

Summary: “The world is saved, Chuck has been defeated, and with the help of Amara and Jack, they managed to rescue Cas from the Empty. It's over. It's all over.

So, what now?

Sam wants to continue on as a Man of Letters and help other hunters and Dean and Cas want to open up a Roadhouse-style bar, but old habits die hard, and it’s surprisingly easy to fall back into their established routine of monsters and hunting - that is until they run into trouble on a case and have to take a step back and evaluate what’s truly important.

Just when it seems like things are finally falling into place, an old friend returns and they discover there's still one of Chuck’s messes they need to clean up. The cosmic forces at the top may have a plan to fix it, but it’s Dean who will have to play the pivotal role.

In order to do so, he’ll have to confront his past, face up to who he really is and acknowledge just how far he's willing to go to get the job done.

One thing’s for sure, though: this is their story and he refuses to let it end as a tragedy. They deserve better. They’ve earned the chance to be free.”

Finale fix-it

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34579165

5. All The Words That I Saved In My Heart by BexTra

Rating: M

Ships: Destiel

Word count: 33,974

Summary: “Dean is still mourning the loss of his best friend, when something decides to drop the Castiel from 2008 right into the bunker. Now Dean is not only confronted with a pissed off angel he can barely look at, they also have to find out what brought Castiel into their timeline. And especially, what's the reason behind this?”

Time travel finale fix-it

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34449301

6. we can’t last tonight, so how do we last forever? by everydayistuesday

Rating: T

Ships: Destiel

Word count: 12,695

Summary: “Dean has always thought the idea of soulmates was kinda depressing.

Yeah, it sounds great to have someone who was meant for you. It sounds great to think that you weren’t going to be alone. But the fact of the matter is, you don’t know who your soulmate is until the last time you hear their voice. That was what showed up tattooed somewhere on your body.

Dean’s words? The last thing his soulmate would ever say to him?

Goodbye, Dean.”

Soulmate AU and finale fix-it

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33140665

Alright hit me with your latest favorite destiel fics. Mama needs fictional situations to keep her awake at night.

[why-do-i-ship]

A little Damianya story that I made at 1 am

I think that Anya as a teenager would like to write fanfictions of her favorite shows (mostly spy wars).

And she actually writes so many fanfics that over the months her grammar and English... Japanese... German... whatever language Anya speaks, is improving, so she is getting better grades at school.

Obviously Damian would notice and thinks it's a little suspicious so he ask her what the hell is she doing to get better all of the sudden, but Anya wouldn't want to tell Damian that she writes fanfics because she thinks he would just bully her for it.

One day, they are at the library and Anya left her notebook where she usually writes her fanfics at a table. Damian, telling himself that he is only doing to see if she writes his name in little hearts or something, grabs the notebook but it's intrigued about the title of what it seems to be a story and just out curiosity starts to read the first paragraphs... And he loved it. He read page after page and chapter after chapter and the more he read the more amazed he was.

The next day at school, he pulls her aside and as he shows her the notebook asks her: "Is this yours?". Anya's red cheeks answer for her, but before she can start thinking of an explanation Damian says: "So it is yours".

..."Did you read all of it?" Ask the girl who honestly has so in shock she didn't know what to say.

"Of course I did, I'm sorry if I invaded your privacy but you actually have a really interesting writing style so I just couldn't stop myself. Really, this explains why your essays we're getting so good all of the sudden".

Anya just couldn't believe what was happening. She had never told anyone about her stories, not even Becky or her parents. This had always been a something that she had never though anyone will understand or even care about, and she got used to the idea of writing stories just for herself. But this guy...

This guy, who was the last person she wanted to know about her stories, it's the same guy who is standing right in front of her and it's telling her that her stories are amazing. And it was just a lot to process.

Damian, noticing how she seems conflicted, said "Listen, if you don't want people to know about this, then I won't tell a soul. But you have to promise me something".

'And there it is, I knew this was to good to be true' though the girl with fear of what may happen now.

"You will let me read your stories whenever you're done with them". Offered Damian.

'Well, I was not expecting that'. "You... actually like them that much?"

"Yes, and I think that you are to good of a writer to just have this hidden. Writers always need a fan, let me be your first one" said Damian with the softest voice he could mustered.

And right there, in the middle of a random hallway, Anya finally understood what all of those girls in Becky's love dramas said. Her heart actually skipped a beat and time seem to stop for a second as she agreed to his proposal.

After that day Damian always ask Anya for her notebook once she was done with a new story, and she might have developed a new interested in more romantic stories after that.

[nerdygaymormon]

I've been at odds with my parents since coming out and only recently have been able to make progress with my mom as far as understanding and empathy. Sometimes I get a step forward but usually very quickly end up hitting a brick wall for a net zero sum. I spoke with her recently about how I believe the Apostles are flawed beings just like the rest of us and can hold biases and prejudices that carry into their teachings and church policies. I was rebuked in response and was told that that is an apostasizing attitude and if our leaders truly said/did something untrue of God then they would be removed immediately. This came after a long discussion about Holland's "musket" speech and it frustrates and hurts me to see them shrug off his words and the hurt it brought as just being a "metaphor" and "heavenly truth". If you have any thoughts or advice, it'd be appreciated.

From your parents' point of view, church and their family were a perfect fit. Their dreams and hopes for you were/are tied up with church.

You coming out is at odds with how they understood the gospel. It's a process for them. With each step forward you take to discover and express the part of you that you hid in the closet, for them it is another step that creates dissonance they have to reconcile.

I think there should be a conversation that includes the goal is for us to understand each other. I want to be open and authentic with you, and I truly want to understand your viewpoints and where you're coming from. I think for that to happen, we can't judge or dismiss the other person's feelings.

If I say that Elder Holland's "musket" speech hurt me and here's why, that is important to me. It may seem like not a big deal to you and even seems inciteful. We can each try to understand why the other views it that way.

————————————————————

I am frustrated on your behalf that your parents expressed the idea that the apostles can't make mistakes because God wouldn't allow it. That robs our leaders of the opportunity to be authentic and real with church members, it robs them of the opportunity to learn and progress. It seems so contrary to the way God works.

There are many examples in the scriptures of apostles getting things wrong, disagreeing with each other. They also learn & grow. They aren’t denied their humanity. 

There's many things we once did as a church that we changed. Do they really think it was God's will to deny priesthood & temple blessings to Black members? They are correct in that if you aren't allowed to question the apostles then it's unlikely a person will fall away from the church, but that's to deny yourself the use of your agency, intelligence, and reasoning. That's not how we learn & grow

————————————————————

You might suggest your parents read the Mackintosh's story. It's on the church's website, so that should give it some extra credibility with your parents. If they respond positively to that, they can get the book Love Boldly: Embracing Your LGBTQ Loved Ones and Your Faith by Becky Mackintosh.

I think their story is good for parents for several reasons. The Mackintoshes were initially uncomfortable when their son came out as gay, but prayed and got the answer to love him. They eventually became comfortable with the knowledge they had a gay child. With each step their son took, whether it was dating or changing his beliefs, it was hard for the Mackintoshes, and each time the answer was to love their child.

The Mackintoshes couldn't make their child not be gay, couldn't stop him from dating or changing his beliefs, that was not in their control. Their child is an adult and gets to make decisions for his life. What was in their control is how they would respond, whether they would continue to invite their son to be part of their life or to exclude him. By being willing to understand their son and acknowledge he gets to make choices for his own life, they are able to maintain a healthy relationship.

I think many parents in the church view being a good parent as their child checked off all the boxes--baptized, mission, temple marriage, and so on. That's a mindset that hard to set aside. But in reality, a parent does a great job when they prepare their children for life, raise them to be kind, helps their child develop their talents, and be a good person.

Another part of being a successful parent is allowing your adult children to be adults. Be there for advice, be there to support and encourage them, celebrate their milestones. Being friends with your children is a tremendous reward and too many parents miss out on that because they can't adjust in their role as their children grow up.

————————————————————

I know it's not easy. I am not able to have honest conversations with my parents about my life and so we have a superficial relationship. We love each other but for my own well being I no longer discuss a number of topics with them. I wish it wan't like that, but they aren't willing to accept I have different opinions and experiences from them.

I don't share with them about the conversations I have with apostles & Seventies, I don't share with them about being on podcasts or having my words printed in books. I also didn't share with them about being suicidal and going to therapy and the things I learned. They are willing to be supportive in certain areas, and so that's where I keep our relationship and they miss out on the rest.