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letarasstuff · 4 years ago

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Can I stay with you?

(A/N): This is based on this, this and this post. I really hope you are ready for the feels, because they are there and they are heavy-

Summary: Following the events of Emily's death, how will Spencer and his daughter cope with it?

Warnings: Angst and lots of it, mentions of drug use, contemplations of drug use, mentions of needles, we also got some bittersweet fluff

Wordcount: 2.5k

✨Masterlist✨ _______________________________

A hospital is not a place where a child should be, Spencer knows that much. But he picked (Y/N) up on his way for two reasons:

The first one being the simple occurence that the babysitter is not able to keep her any longer, because she has classes in the next morning. The second one is selfish and the father knows that, but he needs her presence, the comfort she brings to him.

“Daddy”, the child breaks the silence in the waiting room, “Is Auntie Emily going to be ok?” She sits in his lap reading a book before looking up at him. Her eyes hold something he wishes to never see again: Fear. The fear of losing someone she loves dearly.

“I hope, Baby. But let’s not forget one important fact: Your Auntie Emily is one of the strongest women I know.” Spencer gives her a kiss on the top of her head and cuddles her closer to him, seeing (Y/N)’s eyes dropping. The rest of the team watches the interaction with aching hearts.

The girl is asleep for half an hour when JJ enters the room. Everybody gets up crowding her. Spencer is careful to not disturb his daughter as he moves her head to his shoulder and hooks his arm under her legs.

“She never made it off the table.” These words echo in the genius’ mind, seemingly being the only things he can think about. “I-I never had the chance to say goodbye.” JJ hugs him, trying to give some sort of comfort. In this process (Y/N) wakes up. As soon as she spots her father’s tears, she knows not to ask a question. Instead she loops her arms around his neck.

“It’s fine. It’s gonna be alright, Daddy”, the toddler recalls the words he says to her whenever she is upset in hopes to cheer him up.

The next couple days are hard on the whole team. They try to grieve together, especially while the funeral takes place. (Y/N) notices that the color black is fitting, since her Auntie really liked to wear it. She likes that they do the same to pay their respects that way.

“Auntie Penny, is she watching?” The blonde woman carries her while the casket is walked down the aisle. Since her death, (Y/N) doesn’t dare to say Emily’s name. She thinks if she avoids it, she is going to inflict less pain when she is talked about.

“Of course. Emily is in heaven and watches this beautiful beautiful ceremony we hold for her. So wipe that frown off and put on that smile she loved so much. Alright?” Confusing to her, the adults want (Y/N) to smile all the time. But they are frowning and crying more often than not.

“Can she hear us? Because I want to say I love her. I forgot to say it the last time I saw her.” Trying to distract herself from seeing the casket lowering into the grave, the girl plays with Penlope’s hair. She in turn has to fight tears back. Only now she realizes the impact the whole thing has on her.

“I’m sure she does. What about when the majority is gone, we go to her grave and talk to Emily? Do we have a deal?” (Y/N) nods.

As soon as the ceremony is over, Spencer takes his daughter, cradling her close to him. As if she senses his sadness, the girl is petting his back in a comforting way. He squeezes her closer to him, leaving her not much room to breathe.

“Daddy, I wanna talk to her. I need to get down.” (Y/N) wiggles in his grasp after she whispers this into his ear. Reluctantly Spencer lets her down and she toddles over to the freshly made grave. A little plastic card sticks out of the grass in place of a headstone.

The adults try to give her as much space as possible, they have to let grieve on her own.

“Hey, Auntie Emily. I-I wanted to say I love you, and I forgot to tell you this the last time so I say it a second time. I love you. And I miss you. I think Daddy misses you too. He is sad since you are gone. I’m too. I think it’s because we miss you. But I hope you like Heaven. Maybe you see my Mommy. When you do, can you say I love her?

“I’ll try to see you soon, Auntie. Goodbye!” (Y/N) goes back to her father and makes grabby hands towards him. Gladly Spencer picks her up again, putting a kiss on her head. “Wanna go home, Daddy.” The child mumbles, exhausted by all the stress and emotions from the day.

The father is relieved to have an excuse to skip the meal with the team. He is scared that the evening at the little restaurant is clouded by sadness and angst. Spencer doesn’t need that right now, a nice sit in with his daughter sounds way better.

After saying their goodbyes the little family sits in the car on their way to the apartment. As soon as Spencer starts the car, (Y/N) is fast asleep. He looks at her through the rear view mirror, happy to see her at peace. It gives the father time to sort through his own thoughts. Since Emily’s death (Y/N) tries to be around him constantly, which he is thankful for, because she keeps the darkness away.

Her last hours play again and again before his eyes. The different ways he could have stopped all of this. Why didn’t he say more when she began biting her nails? When she said “Laura Reynolds is dead”? Maybe all of this is his fault?

His forearm begins to itch. Exactly where Tobias Hankel injected the needle same as he did several times. Maybe, maybe it would make everything better? Just this one tim-

“Daddy? When are we home?” The small voice cuts off his train of thought. Spencer needs a few seconds to clear his mind. Did he really think that? Taking dilaudid while the reason he fought his addiction literally sits right behind him? “Just a few minutes, Sweetheart. Do you want to go to bed after dinner?”

As if she knows that the father can’t be left alone in this state, (Y/N) answers: “No, I wanna watch a movie with you. Can we watch Alvin and the chipmunks? I love Simon so much!” This places a smile on his face, the excitement in her eyes scare his dark thoughts away. “Sure, Peanut. We can watch whatever you want.”

It's the fourth evening in a row that the girl sleeps in her father’s bed. She either falls asleep there or climbs next to him in the middle of the night, so he figures he lets her sleep there right away.

“Good night, Sweetheart”, he tells her as they lay down. Even though it’s quite early for Spencer to go to bed it’s (Y/N)’s time. “Good night, Daddy”, she tells him while snuggling closer, “I love you. Soooooo much.”

The young doctor decides to take the next few days off from work in order to work through the events. The first one he spends coloring in books with her the whole day. While she works on her own books gifted by various members of the BAU, Spencer has his own extra made for adults. He can’t deny the soothing effect it has on him. The repeating moves calms the storm of thoughts inside his head.

The next day the two of them sit the whole day on the small couch in the living room, (Y/N) on his lap, and read. Sometimes they read for themselves, others the father reads outloud from his own or (Y/N) from her own. It’s kind of therapeutic to hear his child doing something he enjoyed his whole life.

“Daddy, do you think she feels lonely in heaven? There is nobody she knows, she has to wait for us to follow her, doesn’t she?” Not prepared for such a deep question, Spencer is caught off guard.

He clears his throat before answering. “Uh, Auntie Emily isn’t that lonely up there, you know. You can’t remember him, but Uncle Gideon, a friend from work and someone I looked up to, is there. He surely greeted her with open arms, happy to see her. And your Mommy is also there, she certainly asked lots of questions about you.” “A-are you sure? I told her to say Mommy ‘I love you’ when she sees her.” (Y/N) looks up to her father with big eyes.

He is not sure if he is lying right now to her, but he sees that his daughter needs the reassurance. “Yes, I’m sure.” To lighten the mood he begins to tickle her, which ends in a tickle fight which in turn ends in tiring the girl out and falling asleep while watching a Disney movie.

The next day is by far the worst since it all happened. Both (Y/N) and Spencer haven’t slept much due to nightmares from both sides (him comforting her as she tears him from his own), which results in a grumpy toddler and a non stop coffee drinking adult.

“Sweetheart, you need to put that shirt on. Auntie JJ is expecting us in ten minutes. Please, stop fighting me”, he begs, but she continues to cry. As Spencer tries for a third time to put it on her (Y/N) throws herself to the other side of the bed.

“I don’t want that, Daddy!” She finally gets out through her sobs. Spencer halts in his movements. “Why? That’s your favorite, Baby.” While (Y/N) begins to cry louder, he leaves the clothing article on the bed and gathers her in his arm, rocking her back and forth additionally to whispering sweet reassurances in her ear.

“She gave it to me. I don’t wanna make it dirty or ruin it”, the toddler says between shaky breaths. For what feels like the trillionth time, the young agent’s heart breaks over this statement. He has a bigger vocabulary than the average English speaking person, but at this moment Spencer is at a loss of words.

“Sweetheart, I apologize for not acknowledging this right away. I’ll get another shirt out for you, ok? Thank you so much for telling and helping me.” Just a few minutes later the little family is on their way to the next metro stop. It’s then that Spencer realizes his day won’t be any easier.

“(Y/N) you can sit in the seat next to me like you always do. Why do you have to sit in my lap today?” Normally he isn’t someone who denies his child physical contact, but the seating chart has a logical purpose. Being on a train with a child means you have some kind of luggage with you, which leads to occupying a four seats compartment. In order to prevent somebody taking the seat next to him, Spencer places his daughter there. It’s a win win situation for everybody, really.

Unfortunately for him (Y/N) is extra clingy today and won’t stop crawling onto his lap. With a sigh he accepts his defeat and tries not to think about the amount of germs that fly around.

Another problem that torments the father: Over the last few days his cravings grew. Especially today the feeling, the need, for another shot and another high is undeniable for him. As if sensing this (Y/N) sticks by his side throughout the whole time, keeping his mind off of the drug that changes him.

While they are at the Jareau’s and Lamontagne’s household, his daughter refuses to play with Henry. “I wanna stay with you”, she murmurs into his shoulder. Again Spencer accepts his defeat and sits down on the couch next to his best friend.

“Sweetheart, you need to let me go. I have to go to the bathroom, you can’t come with me.” This is followed by a tsunami of tears. While JJ tries to console her, he slips out of the room discreetly.

Due to (Y/N)’s current grumpiness and Spencer’s fatigue they quickly call it a night, even though he could use some more comfort from his friends.

“Good night, Sweetheart. Sleep tight and dream nice. I love you”, he says after tucking his child in and giving her a kiss on the forehead. “Night night, Daddy. I love you, too”, her small voice echoes back to him and makes him smile softly.

Spencer finds his way back to the living room and sits down with a book in his lap. As expected he doesn’t get much reading done, too distracted by his own thoughts. The events of the night of his colleague’s, his friend’s, death replay themselves over and over again.

What if he made his conclusions faster? He is supposed to be the smart one, the one the team relies on for making important connections. But he failed once so who knows what happens when he fails again? Next time it could be the whole team dying. He could die. He would leave (Y/N) alone with the team gone. His mother isn’t capable of caring for her and his father doesn’t even know she exists. She will go into foster care, into a home with too many kids. She will be looked over, too small to be seen. Her potential will go to waste and she will never achieve anything she is capable of. And all that because he hasn’t made a conclusion fast enough.

Spencer’s scars on his forearm itch worse than ever. One shot. Only one shot to make the thoughts go away. To make the guilt go away, the bad feelings. He needs it. He needs to cure himself from the symptoms of being a human.

Before the young doctor even registers what he is doing he already put his jacket on and looks for his wallet when a voice startles him.

“Daddy, i can't sleep. Can I stay with you again?” (Y/N) stands in the doorway, clutching her stuffed animal and her blanket, shielding her eyes from the light, oblivious to what her father was about to do.

“Oh Darling, of course. Do you want me to read to you? Or we drink hot chocolate and watch a movie?” He suggests, ready to distract himself from anything that’s going on in his mind. A few minutes later his daughter cuddles into his side while watching once again Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Spencer is just happy to have his light in his life all the time and is ready to tackle any task to keep her there, may it be once again the weekly visits for anonymous narcotics or time off from work to process the events together in therapy.

Taglist:

All works:

@agentshortstacc

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl

Spencer Reid x child!reader:

@ilovetaquitosmmmm

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x daughter!reader #spencer reid x child!reader #spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #fanfiction #x reader #reader insert #x daughter!reader #x child!reader

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write-orflight · 4 years ago

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Settle Down: Chapter 2

**Gif Not Mine**

Prev - Next

Pairings: SpencerXReader (kinda enemies to lovers)

Rating: M

Words: 2K

Warnings: SMUT!! (fingering, sexual content, small breeding kink i guess), cursing. things of that nature

Request: OPEN/CLOSED

Summary: Y/N and Spencer don’t get along but turn to each other for the one thing you need someone else for… A baby. You can plantonically start a family, right?

AN: Unedited. This chapter has smut, not intense smut but it is to further the plot. comment on this chapter or message for taglist. much love Cia!

Chapter 2: Would it help if I dressed up like Spock?

You never want to thank serial killers for anything but you were slightly grateful that they decided to chill for a week. You and Spencer didn’t really want to have to put this off another month and you very well couldn’t go to Hotch like “you mind if Spencer sits this case out so he can knock me up?”

You decided that you wouldn’t tell the team what you guys were doing until you were at least 4 months pregnant, which getting Garcia to keep it a secret was proving to be its own task. You thankfully had been able to intercept her before she could tell Derek.

Spencer was over every night after work now, cuddling you on your couch watching a new Disney movie. For a man who seemed to know everything, his classic children movie knowledge was lacking. Right now, you guys were watching Ratatouille. He was sitting on the couch and you were on the floor beneath him between his legs, his hand aimlessly raking through your hair. You were on the verge of purring like a cat. You had forgotten how it felt to be comfortable around someone.

“I don’t understand. If this movie is supposed to be about a rodent in a gourmet restaurant. Why is he making a peasant dish?”

“It’s called Ratatouille. Why do you think?” You say, looking up at him. “It’s a pun.”

He smiles down at you. “Well, it’s a play on words. Not a pun.”

“Whatever, nerd.” You go to turn your attention back to the screen but his hand slides from your scalp to around your chin, forcing your head to stay up.

“Tomorrow’s the day, you know.” Spencer says.

“Trust me, I know.” You say.

“Are you…. nervous?” He asks, eyes kind of shifting.

“You don't make me nervous, Spencer.” You say, turning so you can look at him fully. “But something tells me you are. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“It’s just…. Idontwantittobebadforyou.” He rushes out.

You look confused for a second before you realize what he’s saying to you. “Oh, Spencer you don’t have to worry about that.” You say, tapping him on the leg. “After all, you are kinda the only one it needs to be good for.”

“Actually some studies have been showing that women are more likely to become pregnant if they also achieve orgasm.”

“Now that’s something I didn’t know.”

“I just… it just feels selfish. You’re not getting anything out of it.”

“But I am getting something out of it, Spence. The best thing, our kid.” You laugh. “That’s what we’re doing this for, right?”

He hesitates slightly. “Y-Yea, it is. Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Hey, it’s alright. Caring if I orgasm already puts you above like 90% of the guys I’ve fucked.” You shrug. “Now, shut up. I’m trying to watch Remy.” You say, turning your attention but to the kitchen antics on the screen before you.

———————————————

You had been antsy all day. Penelope tried to pry out of you what was making you so jittery but you never told her. As far as Penny was concerned, you and Spencer were going through the clinic. She didn’t need to know the details of how you were getting pregnant.

After work, you and Spencer piled into your car and drove to your house. Once inside, Spencer waited in the living room while you went to the bathroom and took an ovulation test. Not exactly the sexiest thing to set the mood but what are you gonna do? You come out some time later brandishing the test before tossing it in the trash.

“Well, I’m ovulating.” You say. “How are you feeling?”

“F-Fine.” He stutters before clearing his throat. “I’m fine.”

“Ok so you’re clearly not fine.” You say. “We don’t have to do this tonight if you’re having doubts. We can wait as long as you need.”

“No, I’m fine, just nervous.”

“This is probably the wrong time to ask but you’ve…. Done this before right?”

He looks at you incredulously. “Christ, Y/N. I’m not a Virgin.” He exclaims. You hold your hands up in surrender. “It’s just weird. You’re my coworker.”

“We can pretend I’m someone else if you want. Like I’m someone from the bar? Or where do you even meet girls? The library? Comic con? Pen gave me a Star Trek shirt last year. Would it help if I dressed up like Spock?—“

“Can I just kiss you?” He cuts you off. “Can we start there?”

Your face can’t help but soften at that. “Yea, Spencer. That’s fine.” You say, stepping into his space. You feel his hand cradle your face before he leans in kissing you softly. You go at his speed for a while, slowly letting your tongues meet in the middle as you wound your hands into his hair. Soon a gasp is leaving you as you feel hands circling your waist pulling you closer as his kisses become rougher. Soon, you find yourself pressed against your wall. You let out a small yelp not expecting that at all. Spencer slots a leg in between yours, rubbing it against your clothed sex slightly. You groan when you feel his erection against your hip. Spencer’s now kissing you extremely rough. His hand drifts from it’s hold on your hip to the bottom of your jaw, fingers spreading slightly so he's almost gripping your neck like he wants to but is trying to hold back for right now. You’re a little surprised at that, you would’ve never thought Spencer Reid was into that. He pulls away for a second, hand still on your jaw looking at you with hooded eyes.

“Bedroom?” He asks. You nod.

———————————————

The two of you didn’t even have time to have an awkward moment because as soon as you’re in your room behind the closed door Spencer is on you, his lips finding your neck and that spot behind your earlobe that makes you moan. You reach to start unbuttoning his shirt, he helps you and you feel the slight smirk against your jaw. As soon as he’s undressed, you take off your clothes and sit on the bed. You look up and see Spencer still standing up at the end of it, watching you.

“What’s wrong?” You ask.

“Nothing.” He says. “You’re just- you’re beautiful, Y/N.”

You don’t like the way your heart flutters at that. You need to get a grip and remember this is just a one time thing, a business interaction.

“So do something about it.” You say.

Spencer is on top of you at the speed of light, trailing kisses down your neck and chest. You moan loudly, back lifting off the bed when his lips circle around your nipple, fingers playing with the neglected one. He looks at you softly as he starts to pull your underwear down. His fingers ghost above your sex, waiting for your permission. You nod, moaning when you feel the first digit slides across your wet folds. You had thought about Spencer’s hands before but nothing could prepare you for how they’d actually feel inside you. He says nothing, just gently pumps the two fingers inside you, smirking at how much you’re falling apart under him. It’s somehow hotter than when guys talk to you in bed. You feel yourself getting closer and closer to the line you had set for yourself as you get closer to the edge. You shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as you were. Your moans got more and more loud as you felt yourself falling over the edge, praising Spencer’s name all the while. He still says nothing, just studies you with a look of wonderment crossing his face as you ride out your orgasm.

“You ready?” He asks. You nod, helping him pull off his boxers before he settles in the space between your legs. You feel the tip of his member press against you before he looks you in the eye again, silently asking for permission. You push back against him, granting it. The two of you groan loudly at the feeling as he presses inside of you. Spencer gives you time to adjust to his length, he was definitely a lot bigger than you thought he was going to be, then again you never really thought about any of your coworkers genitalia before. You nod when you're ready and he starts moving, slow at first but quickly picking up pace when he hears the groans and moans escaping your body unintentionally.

“Fuck, Spencer. R-Right there.” You stutter out, Spencer moves your legs higher up on his waist as he started fucking you faster, hitting that spot inside you nearly every thrust. You went into this expecting nothing, really just the most mediocre sex possible. Which was fine, you were only doing this for your baby. You certainly weren’t expecting Spencer to actually be good at this. But here you were, moaning like a pornstar underneath the man she didn’t even like just weeks ago.

“Fuck, Y/N.” He moaned, head dropping into your neck. You could feel him panting into your ear. “Fuck, you feel so good. You’re so tight, baby.”

You don’t know where that baby came from but you were too caught up in it to care. Your moans get louder and louder and Spencer drops a hand to your sex, rubbing circles into the bundle of nerves that had your back arching off the bed. You were so unbelievably close you and Spencer could tell by the scratches you left down his back. He placed a small bite on the small patch of flesh behind your earlobe and that was all it took back over the edge for the second time that night. You felt Spencer’s thrust start to falter shortly after.

“Shit, you feel so good, Y/N.” He groans into your ear. “Fuck.”

You knew it wasn’t wise and if you could take it back you would. But you got swept up in the moment and still reeling from the two orgasms you had that you turned your head and whispered directly into Spencer’s ear.

“Give me your baby, Spence.”

Spencer’s leans his head up to look at you now, an almost feral look crossing his face as he starts fucking you harder. Looking you so intensely in your eyes. He brings a hand up to your neck squeezing the sides slightly and gripping your head so you can’t even look anywhere else if you wanted to.

“Fuck, Y/N. You want me to fuck a baby into you, don’t you?” He says, fucking you impossibly hard. You moan loudly, gripping his wrist attached to the hand around your neck. “Fuck, I’m gonna--” He cuts off, and you watch him shake as he releases inside of you, thrusting shallowly as he rides out his orgasm.

A minute passes and he separates from you, placing another pillow under your hips. “I’ve seen some studies say it’s better to keep the hips propped up for five minutes after sex to increase chances of fertilization.” He says. “I’ll be right back.”

He leaves you alone in the room for a second and you decide to spend that time gathering your thoughts. This could not be good. Spencer just gave you the best sex of your life for what most likely, was going to be a one time thing. You don’t even know how to go about working with him and raising this child knowing what he was like in the sack. This was a bad idea, but it was also a little too late now.

He comes back in with a cold water bottle, prompting you to drink it which you happily accept. He goes and runs a hand softly through your sweatshined hair.

“Sorry for… doing that, I know you said it wasn’t necessary before but you seemed close and it felt cruel to just not.” You look at him confused for a second before you realize what he’s saying.

“Are you…. Apologizing for making me cum?” You ask. Spencer looks down awkwardly for a second. “Spencer, trust me it’s fine. In fact, it’s more than fine. Thank you for this. I know it was less than ideal for you.”

Spencer playfully ruffles your hair. “It was not as bad as I thought it would be.”

You roll your eyes at that. “Gee, thanks Casablanca.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.” He laughs. “I should get going.”

“It’s already late. You could just… stay if you want.”

“I don’t want to impose--” He starts but you cut him off.

“Spencer, stay with me.” You say again, looking him in the eyes. “Please.”

He looks at you back for a second, decoding if you were serious before nodding and crawling into the bed next to you. You immediately turn and toss an arm over his torso.

“Goodnight, Spencer.” You say.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” He says back.

You can almost swear you feel a kiss at the top of your forehead before you drift off but you’re so tired.

You probably hallucinated it.

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elisaphoenix13 · 3 years ago

Text

Once Upon A Summer (Ch.7)

Tony didn't really remember going up to Peter's room, but that was where he found himself. Sitting in the darkened room as the boy napped and watched him sleep. He always treated Peter like his own kid, but now it was actually, biologically true. Now all he could think about were the what ifs. And did May know? She didn't give any indication that she did, and now Tony was going through the fifteen years of his son's life in the span of a few days because of a wonky spell.

He supposed it was fate's way of giving him another chance to be in his son's life from infancy. And Peter had been a complete angel so far. Tony was actually a little jealous that he wasn't there when he was born...but he could understand why he might not have been told. He was a notorious playboy back then.

But Tony knew now and he was even more determined to give Peter everything once his mind wrapped around the fact that the boy was really his. It still didn't feel real.

Everytime Peter seemed to fall asleep, he grew just a little bit more as the magic wore off, and now he was about eight years old if Tony had to guess. In fact, he looked surprisingly familiar. Like he had seen Peter like this before. It was an itch he couldn't quite scratch, but it was easily pushed to the back of his mind when Peter finally stirred. Sleepy brown eyes blink open and the boy yawns before pushing his blankets away and sitting up.

"Hey Underoos. How was your nap?" Tony asks after clearing his throat.

"Good. I'm hungry." Peter mumbles as he rubs his eyes.

"It's not quite dinner time yet. How about a snack to tide you over for now?"

"Cheese and crackers?" Peter asks hopefully.

Tony laughs. "Sure. I think we can do that. If not, I'll send Mom to the store."

"I heard that!" Stephen calls from downstairs.

"He knows everything." Tony stage whispers, making Peter laugh.

Peter gets out of bed and Tony immediately stops him and looks down at his...diaper. It didn't grow with him this time and looked more than snug on the boy. Uncomfortable to say the least.

"Hang on kiddo. Let's get you out of that." Tony says, leading Peter to the master bedroom. "Friday, order something for Pete to wear. One outfit should be fine since he'll grow out of it tonight." He requests as he looks through his dresser.

"Yes Boss."

"Does he have his regular clothes here?" Stephen asks from the doorway and Tony looks over.

"Hmm...I think there's a few things I bought for him." Tony answers. "He still needs underwear that fits him though doesn't he?"

"Just stick him in a pair of those and a t-shirt." The sorcerer shrugs.

"T-shirt for now until the Underoos come." Tony snickers and pulls out one of his band shirts and helps Peter into it.

It was big and slipped over his shoulder, but it covered him more than adequately and Peter must have agreed since he peeled out of the room shouting about cheese and crackers. Stephen chuckled as he watched the boy go and his smile dropped a little when he looked back at Tony. The older man must have had a look on his face if the sorcerer was concerned.

"You alright?" Stephen asks softly.

"As much as I can be." Tony sighs. "I get this bomb dropped on me and while part of me is ecstatic, another is terrified."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"...when he's back to normal. I just hope he's not disappointed or thinks I abandoned him." Tony heaves another sigh and rubs his eyes.

"I've only seen the two of you interact for a few days, but I think it's safe to say that he adores you." Stephen assures. "And I'm not talking about idolization. He sees you as a father figure. Even proved it by calling you his father."

"He called Mom-" Tony smirks and Stephen rolls his eyes.

"We're not talking about me."

"Maybe we should." Tony says abruptly.

Stephen looks at him in confusion and Tony steps closer. This was a long time coming right? This talk? Or maybe he was mistaken and these feelings he formed were one sided? He wasn't one to question himself though. Tony didn't test the waters...he just jumped right in. So why was it different this time? Was this what it was like to be serious about someone? He only knew Stephen for a few days but he wanted to know more. He wanted to know if the sorcerer slept on his side, or if he snored (something told him there was no chance of that), or if he was the type to watch medical shows just to nitpick at the inaccuracies.

Tony would bet half his company that he was.

"What's there to talk about?" Stephen asks carefully.

"First of all, you stuck around. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I expected you to only check in once a day...but here you are. Vacationing with us."

"As you pointed out, it was because I'm the one versed in magic and-"

"You know what I meant." Tony interrupts and steps a little closer. "Point two...Peter called you Mom and you didn't nip it in the bud." Stephen opens his mouth but Tony continues. "He was old enough to understand if you didn't want him to call you that. So why?"

Stephen swallows and Tony watches as the younger man's throat bobs with the motion. "I…"

"Point three…" Tony says, leaning closer. "You didn't send me to some weird dimension for doing this--" Tony pinches Stephen's ass and the sorcerer jumps. "--earlier. So either you didn't have the energy to care or...the curiosity isn't one sided."

Though it was brief, Tony saw Stephen's eyes widen for a split second before his face fell into neutrality again. Bingo. Tony's hopes flew to the heavens because Stephen was interested too. But he knew this wasn't just anyone else. He couldn't buy dinner and then expect to fall into bed with Stephen. Besides, he'd already done that the past few days. No, Tony wanted to properly woo the sorcerer. Make sure Stephen didn't feel like another one of his conquests... because he wasn't.

Tony could see a long future with him.

"Are you gonna kiss?"

Both Tony and Stephen startle and look down to find Peter standing by them and staring curiously up at them. When Tony saw how close he and Stephen ended up, he couldn't blame Peter for asking because he was so close to the younger man that if he hiccuped, he would have found himself lip-locked with the sorcerer. Tony was actually a little exasperated with Peter's ill timing but he did promise a snack for him. Who knew how long he and Stephen had been standing in the doorway of his bedroom.

"How about we get you some crackers?" Tony deflects and leads Peter back down to the kitchen.

"And cheese!" The boy declares, successfully distracted from his earlier question.

Tony looked over his shoulder at Stephen, who was descending the stairs behind them, and winked. The blush that adorned the younger man's cheeks was proof enough that his earlier assumption was correct and he really wanted to get back to that subject once Peter was properly occupied. Maybe a movie? No, it would probably have to be when the boy went to bed for the night. Tony still wanted to get every little bit of Peter's "childhood" while he could.

He decided to even make the lasagna he had mentioned earlier for dinner. While he got to work, Stephen helped Peter clean his shells and find a home for them. Even helped him get some underwear on when they arrived. Peter was given free reign of the tv until dinner was ready, which Tony was making the quick way, and Stephen sat on the couch to read. Tony would make the pasta from scratch another time, when he had time to prepare, but dried pasta would do for now. He, of course, took advantage of the sauce by asking Stephen to try it, and beamed when the sorcerer obliged him and was even impressed with the flavor.

When dinner was finally done, they all sat at the table with the lasagna and some garlic bread and Tony nearly laughed when Peter nearly inhaled a piece bigger than the flat of the spatula. The boy was suddenly growing quickly and Tony had to wonder if his mutant appetite was coming back. He would have to keep a closer eye on Peter.

"Enjoy dinner?" Tony asks Peter when he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

Stephen had to grab a napkin to wipe his hands and face the right way, and made Peter grimace.

"It was yummy!"

"I'll make it even better next time." Tony promises as he gets up with his plate.

"I'd like to try it when you make the pasta yourself." Stephen admits. "But it was good."

"A dinner date? I accept." Tony smirks when Stephen blushes again and gets up with his plate as well as Peter's.

"Peter, go watch tv before it's time for a bath." Stephen says. "You need to get washed up before bed since we went to the beach."

"Okay!" Peter gets down from his chair and races back into the living room to watch a Disney movie.

Tony and Stephen cleaned up in the meantime, and Tony refrained from over flirting with Stephen. He'd already made the man blush at least twice in one day, but Tony would probably start up again once Peter was in bed. When everything was cleaned up, Tony herded the little boy up the stairs after his movie was over and ran a bubble bath for him which he helped Peter into once Tony helped him undress. To think just a few days ago, he would have been wildly uncomfortable with this situation. But now it didn't bother him. Maybe it was because Peter was actually his kid, or maybe it was because Tony had changed his diapers for the past week...or maybe it was both? Parenting wasn't easy by any means, but once he got into the groove of it, things didn't bother him as much.

"You alright by yourself while I go find you something to sleep in Underoos?" Tony asks after helping Peter into the tub.

"Uh-huh."

"Alright. Wash up." Tony leaves the bathroom to find another shirt and clean pair of underwear for Peter, content with the fact that Friday could tell him if anything happened in the couple of minutes he was gone.

Which was known to happen with kids. It admittedly made Tony nervous when he came across the potential accidents babies and kids could have while unsupervised. He had read that a baby could drown in a teaspoon of water and while he wasn't sure if that was accurate, he sure as hell didn't want to find out. He was glad for his AI for an entirely different reason.

"Alright Pete. Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin?" Tony asks when he walks back to the bathroom with the two band t-shirts.

Peter looks over and tilts his head in thought. "Sabbath." He finally says.

"Good choice."

Tony helped him wash his hair, and Peter helped unplug the tub while Tony grabbed a towel to wrap him up in. The drying process was obnoxious and made the little boy giggle, and even Tony laughed when he pulled the towel away to find the mop of brown hair askew.

"Can I have a bedtime story?" Peter asks as Tony helps him get dressed.

"A bedtime story? What kind?"

Peter shrugs. "Dunno."

"Hmm…" Tony takes Peter to his room and helps him into bed. "Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Peter who went to bed. The end."

"That's a terrible story." Peter complains and Tony chuckles.

"How about the three little pigs? I think I can manage that." Tony offers and Peter nods and squirms under the blankets to get comfortable.

Peter was using the other guest bedroom since neither Tony nor Stephen expected him to grow back to normal like this. In all honesty, Tony thought he would just spring back to his teenage self, but it ended up being gradual. He didn't see the point of kicking Stephen out of Peter's actual room all of a sudden. They would deal with that tomorrow. At least an adult was still nearby in case Peter needed one of them.

Tony told him the fairytale of the three little pigs with his own spin since, in his own opinion, the original story was a yawn fest. By the time it was done, Peter was half asleep with his eyes almost closed and part of his face pressed into his pillow. Tony leaned forward to tuck him in and then kissed his forehead before moving away and standing. He quietly made his way to the door and turned off the light after making sure to keep a night light on, and as he started to slip out of the bedroom, he heard Peter talk.

"Love you Daddy."

Tony stops and looks back into the darkened room and smiles genuinely.

"Love you too Pete. Good night."

#supremefamily #stephen strange #ironstrange #tony stark #baby peter parker #peter parker

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killing-all-joy · 4 years ago

Note

Analoginceit with at least one of them being ace and that causing them a lot of anxiety about being in a relationship with the others and they keep it a secret for a long time until it builds up so much it just comes out all at once and they are like "I know you won't want to be with me anymore and that's okay, I get it. I love you guys but you deserve each other and not me" or something and yeah (it could be a different ship but you wanted prompts for them and that's all I could come up with)

A Sun That Doesn’t Burn

cw: heavy self-deprecation, swearing, food, kissing without consent (sorry), mentions of sex and innuendo

Roman knew quite well that it wasn’t his job to be the overly anxious one of the relationship. That was Virgil’s job. However, anxiety is inevitable if you are hiding a grave and important secret from those you love; a secret that, if revealed, would end your romantic endeavors with those people you love.

This is the situation that Roman was in.

He was asexual. However, there was no indication that his partners were as well. Even worse, said boyfriends didn’t know about his asexuality. As far as they knew, he was allosexual, just like them.

Roman couldn’t help but be awed at how long he had been able to go without telling them. He, Virgil, Logan, and Janus had been dating for nine months and he hadn’t had to say anything yet. He had always been able to weasel his way out of a situation if he thought it was starting to go...that way. He had a button on his lock screen he’d press that played the same ringtone as the customized one he had for his mother. He could escape any heated situation with no trouble. Hiding his asexuality has been an elaborate deception, as well as perhaps the hardest deception he’d ever involved himself in (which is saying something), not in no part to his guilt about these repetitive lies.

The situation couldn’t stop becoming worse; he could feel the repressed truth start to well up in his chest like a lake does during heavy rainfall, and there was no dam to let it out. It felt almost as if that in every conversation he had with his loves, the truth was begging to be revealed—and almost was on many occasions. He had to restrain himself, and it felt like holding someone back from a fistfight.

This brought him to where he was now. The four of them were in their apartment’s living room. Roman was currently panicking for two reasons:

1. He was currently engaged in a heated kiss with Janus—one that had just progressed into a make-out session (something he had no aversion to, but he didn’t like what could come after that). Virgil and Logan were kissing beside them in a similar fashion (except just a bit less heated).

2. He left his phone in the guest bedroom, and the door to it was now locked.

Roman was currently living in the build-up to his worst nightmare.

Of course, he didn’t let it show. He continued kissing Janus passionately, because kissing Janus was incredible and Janus was quite skilled at the activity. But even while his mouth was having the time of its life, his brain felt like it was about to explode.

There was no way out, at least not one that he could see. His brain was frantically considering anything, some way to get out of this situation without confessing his asexuality, which would make his loves hate him and/or break up with him.

Roman did not want to break up with them. They were the loves of his life.

Any efforts to conserve that final statement weren’t working, though, because Roman was at a loss. He couldn’t think of a way out without them breaking up with him. He’d have to stop Janus, tell him and Virgil and Logan everything, and then leave.

However, when Janus’s thumb started to creep under the hem of Roman’s shirt, the doorbell rang. The sound was the prettiest of all music, booming through the house and interrupting everything happening. It was a miracle; an angel sent from above. Roman could not believe his luck.

His brain was happy to remember that Janus had ordered pizza for them to eat while they watched a movie. They had chosen Disney’s Hercules, a mythologically inaccurate movie that was entertaining to at least three of the boyfriends nevertheless.

Janus pulled away from Roman’s lips slowly, giving him the most annoyed look. Roman snorted even though his brain was still in panic mode—that look on Janus’s face was always funny. Janus pulled away from Roman and grabbed his wallet off the table.

“It is with my deepest regrets that I say that we have been interrupted,” lamented Janus. “But since I ordered the pizza, it is I who should retrieve it. If only it hadn’t been me who ordered...” Janus grazed his thumb, index finger, and middle finger across Roman’s chin lovingly. He then turned away from Roman to walk to the door.

Roman exhaled in relief, running a hand through his hair and readjusting his shirt. While he could revel in that miraculous stroke of good luck for a moment, he could not afford to be happy any longer. This escape may not have been a lie, but every time before this was, and his brain had been conditioned to the guilt that came after the de-escalation and/or escape of a heated encounter.

He now almost wished that this time had been a lie. Sure, ultimately it was nice to know that not every time he’s avoided sex with his boyfriends was by his own deceptions, but that did nothing to dampen his desire to curl up in the guest room and cry while listening to his playlist he made for the times after he’d lied to his boyfriends to get out of a passionate encounter (yes, this had happened so often that he had a playlist). That would be suspicious, however, and at least one of them would probably hear his crying.

So he stood from where he was backed against the table, hand to his mouth in pure awe of his unbelievable luck, before realizing that he should probably move to the sofa to get ready for movie night.

He slipped off his shoes and socks and left them by the door. He proceeded to walk over to the sofa. He sat on the arm of the sofa—legs on the cushion and arms wrapped around his knees—and watched Janus interact with the delivery guy.

Virgil joined Janus at the door and held the two pizzas as Janus paid. He carried them over to the living room and set them on the coffee table. He then joined Roman on the sofa.

Roman saw Janus pay the guy (as well as tip generously, lord knows those workers don’t get paid enough). He looked away as soon as Janus turned back around, pretending to be focused on the pizzas instead. He saw Janus approach the sofa and stop in front of him.

“Are you hungry, dear?” Janus asked, tracking that Roman’s gaze was fixed on the pizza.

“Hm? Oh, um, yeah. I barely had much of a lunch, so pizza is sounding wonderful.” This wasn’t a lie; he hadn’t eaten much for lunch and his stomach was looking forward to the pizza.

Janus tsked. “What have I told you about eating all three meals?”

“That it’s essential.”

Janus nodded. “Precisely.”

“See, I had some lunch-”

“But not enough,” Janus interrupting with a knowing smirk. “It’s okay, Roman. Just eat dinner.”

“Okay, Mom,” Roman said with a roll of his eyes.

Janus gasped in fake offense. “I am your boyfriend, Roman! I resent being compared to a parental figure!”

Roman shrugged, starting to get up to retrieve a plate.

“Ah ah ah,” he heard a voice say from beside him. Roman looked up to see Logan holding four plates. “I have retrieved us plates already, Roman.”

“Thanks, Logan,” smiled Roman, taking a plate from Logan’s stack.

Roman spotted Virgil frowning in his peripheral vision, but his gaze was focused on Logan as he handed out the rest of the plates and sat on the far left cushion on the sofa.

“You seem so comfortable sitting like that, sweetheart,” Janus said sarcastically. “It wouldn’t serve you at all to sit on the actual cushions.”

Roman rolled his eyes at his boyfriend for the second time in the past minute but conceded and leapt off the couch.

Their sofa was rather large and could fit all four of them onto it comfortably. So, desiring (without any anger at Janus) to stray from Janus’s piercing gaze for a little while, sat on Virgil’s left and Logan’s right. He opened the box of pepperoni pizza and took a slice and placed it on his plate. He spotted Janus frown at Roman moving away from him in his peripheral vision. Janus opened his mouth, and Roman could tell he was about to ask Logan to move so he could sit next to Roman (Roman, Virgil, and Logan were well aware of Janus’ tendency to want to be close to the last person he had been engaged in intimate actions with (which was primarily kissing), especially if they were interrupted for external reasons). So, Roman curled into Logan’s side, ducking his head under Logan’s arm. Logan complied with this effort to cuddle easily, although he was a little bit taken off-guard from the suddenness of it. Roman smiled. Even if this hug wasn’t an escape from the negative feelings that came with being close to sex, Logan’s comfort was something he treasured above most things.

“Are you tired, Roman?” Logan asked curiously.

Roman nodded. He saw Janus bite his lip, finally settling to sit on the end cushion, away from Roman. Roman couldn’t help but feel a heavy weight of guilt settle in his gut at making Janus do something he clearly didn’t want to do. Roman hooked his right arm around Virgil’s left, though, just in case Janus tried to ask Virgil to scoot over. Virgil’s head turned at this, and he flashed Roman a loving smile. He picked up the television remote with his free arm and started to play the movie.

There was silence as the movie started, despite all of them except Logan having seen it before. They were all eating their pizza and paying attention. Except Roman, of course.

About five minutes in, Virgil broke the silence. “You haven’t started eating, Roman. Are you-”

Roman laughed. “I’ve been busying cuddling you and Logan, Virge. I know my pizza will get-”

“You should eat,” said Janus sternly, sounding just a bit distant. “You said you barely had lunch.”

Logan’s posture started to stiffen. “If that’s the case, love, you should definitely be eating.”

Roman rolled his eyes but uncurled from Logan and removed his arm from Virgil so he could eat properly. He sat up and allowed a couple of inches of space between himself and his boyfriends seated beside him. A part of him felt that he didn’t want to be touching them anymore (mostly because the loss of comfort has allowed his negative thoughts to resurface).

He trained his eyes on the movie so his boyfriends wouldn’t notice his lack of focus, but he continued to think about his guilt and lies. He took a bite of his pizza as well, so they wouldn’t be suspicious of his lack of eating.

Roman knew that eventually, they had to know about his asexuality. The truth would inevitably spill one day and Roman would be left alone, miserable. He didn’t tell them yet because he wasn’t ready for that; he wanted to spend and savor as much time as he could with Logan, Virgil, and Janus. Even still, the day would come when Roman would have to tell them he was ace.

He both wanted to and he didn’t. The weight in his chest, the pain, the guilt, the lies—they hurt like hell. He hated it all. He felt like he was betraying and misleading his boyfriends by not telling them, he felt like the weight in his chest would one day become so heavy that it would make him collapse, and the lies were becoming harder to keep track of and harder to create. If he could be rid of it, he would.

But, he still wanted to date Logan, Janus, and Virgil. He loved them to the end of the universe and back, and he didn’t want to imagine what his life would be like without them. There were many times when he would think sincerely about how they could be his forever one day. Except...the one thought that kept annoying him in the back of his mind kept stopping that wishful thinking. He was asexual and hadn’t told them yet. He wouldn’t be their forever.

He took another bite of his pizza.

Roman had to acknowledge that Janus, Virgil, and Logan were wonderful and kind people. If he were being purely logical, Roman would be able to say with complete confidence that they wouldn’t hate him. Roman wasn’t being purely logical, but he was still able to admit that they wouldn’t hate him just for being ace. They would break up with him for being ace, but they wouldn’t hate him for such. They would hate him because he lied to them. Misled them. Crafted elaborate deceptions just to shield them from the truth. That would make them hate him.

His brain couldn’t help but entertain another, perhaps even scarier thought: what if their relationship would be better without him in it? Sure, his asexuality of course made that true, but he couldn’t help but go further: did his personality bring the four of them down too? He had to admit that the answer to that question was ‘yes’. He was too much: too dramatic, too loud, too insecure. It hurt, but it also calmed him; his boyfriends wouldn’t be missing anything once he told them. Roman’s asexuality brought them down. It was comforting to know that it wasn’t just a part of Roman bringing them down: that it was all of him. It made the problem less of an “if only” and more of an “it’s better this way”. But was this really true, or was this just a false comfort?

He brought his knees to his chest when the guilt started to course through him again. He has been holding those he loves down and hurting their relationship? On top of lying to them at every turn and being asexual? He couldn’t help that his shame increased tenfold.

Roman looked at his pizza again, suddenly with contempt instead of hunger. His thoughts had ruined his appetite and he didn’t want to eat anymore.

He tried to stop thinking, deciding instead to focus on the TV. But he couldn’t process what he was watching. He just stared at the screen, trying to repress his deafening thoughts.

That didn’t last long, though. Virgil reached for the remote and paused the movie. Roman was surprised to see that half an hour had already passed. Virgil turned to look at Roman.

“Roman, can I-”

Virgil and Janus stopped talking. They looked at each other curiously.

Roman shrunk in on himself. They both had an issue with him. Because he just couldn’t do anything right, could he?

Roman saw Logan’s face contort with sympathy. He wrapped an arm around Roman and pulled him to his side. Roman was too scared to do anything to resist or lean in further.

“Roman, can we talk?” Virgil asked. “I had something to ask you about. Janus seems to as well.”

“Sure, Stormy Knight, what is it?” Roman asked, trying his best to look okay.

Virgil rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, you haven’t been eating much of your food, for one.”

His last two words worried Roman, and yet he laughed. “I’m just distracted, my haunted heart. Disney is my life, of course I’m too invested to remember to eat easily.”

He took a bite of pizza for good measure.

It tasted sour. The bread felt state; the sauce tasted like it was expired; the cheese felt like glue in his mouth, sticking to every corner of his mouth and all across his teeth and tongue; and the pepperoni was like thin cardboard left out in a rainstorm. He forced himself to plaster on a contented look that showed none of those thoughts.

“Um, okay...but like, you hardly had lunch. That’s still...” Virgil continued.

“Disney can make me do anything. We all know that,” Roman said, accompanying his last words with a chuckle.

Virgil bit his lip, clearly not finished. “Number two, your speech patterns are a bit different. You called L by his full first name earlier, which is rare for you because you always, always use a pet name for him...”

“...Thirdly, you sat on the arm of the sofa before I advised you to move to the couch cushions,” Janus added. “Quite unusual, since you always insist that a princely man such as yourself deserves to always sit in the most lavish of seats. Fourth, well, you know how I am after a...” Janus trailed off. He never liked to talk about his ‘weird’ or unusual habits, such as his tendency to cling to the last person he was engaged in intimate action with immediately after their ‘moment’. “...yeah. I’m, I’m not mad or annoyed at you or anything...you just always are attuned to that and tonight you actively-”

Roman felt a huge wave of guilt pass over him. None of this was Janus’ fault. He felt terrible for making him hurt, but Logan’s arms were unparalleled when it came to comfort. Being in his arms was grounding, warm but not too warm, kind (always, his arms were always kind), and simply one of the best places on the earth to be.

“Sorry, m’ love, I was just craving a Logan hug,” Roman said quietly, which wasn’t false, but wasn’t the truth either. “I haven’t had one in a while.”

Janus nodded, looking back down to his hands.

“Did I-”

Janus and Virgil stopped talking. They looked at each other, and Janus nodded at Virgil to let him speak.

“Did we do something wrong?” Virgil asked, sounding small. His eyes were cast to the floor.

Roman’s face fell into one of sadness. He slowly pulled away from Logan and put a hand on Virgil’s jaw. He gently had Virgil face him and stared into his eyes which held the whole world. (See, he had it all worked out. Virgil’s eyes held the world, Logan’s eyes held all the stars in the sky, and Janus’s were precious gemstones that could see into the depths of his soul and read him like a picture book. He had planned on telling them, but he figured he would never be able to.) He cradled Virgil’s jaw like it was glass and stared into his purple and green eyes with all the love he could muster.

“No, my purple prince, of course not,” Roman almost whispered, thumb brushing under Virgil’s eye. “You have done nothing of the sort. What could make you think this?”

“I-” Virgil tried to find words but couldn’t. “I don’t know. You just seem...distant.”

Roman frowned. “Sweet emo, I’m right here. If you mean I’m invested in the movie...”

“No, just...your mind seems to be in a place outside this apartment.”

“His mind is in his head, V, I don’t think that’s the issue,” Logan cut in.

Virgil rolled his eyes, a small laugh leaving his lips, a sound that Roman wanted to hear every day for the rest of his life. “No, Lo, he just doesn’t seem fully focused on our current activities.”

“Oh,” Logan said in realization, nodding. “Well, certainly. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It is natural to have wandering thoughts.”

Virgil nodded. “Sure, L, but Roman said earlier that he was too intently focused on the movie to remember to eat. That suggests him being present. But...”

Roman was tempted to run to the guest room. They were now accusing him of lying, albeit subtly and not with anger apparent in their tone. Despite that, it hurt. He wanted to curl up and cry to his playlist.

It was as if Janus sensed this (or maybe it was just because he was well-versed in anything relating to deception), because he put a hand on Virgil’s arm, pausing his words.

“Let’s not psychoanalyze our dear boyfriend, especially since he’s right here and is able to answer your questions without us making assumptions, hm?”

Virgil stopped dead in his tracks, looking at Roman with guilt once more. “You’re right. Sorry, Ro.”

Roman gave him a half-smile, waving him off. “Don’t worry about it, Virge. What do you want to ask me about?”

Because sure, that question was risky, but to Roman, it was better than hearing his boyfriends call him a liar like he wasn’t even present.

“Oh, um...why are you so distant?” Virgil asked, getting straight to the point.

Roman frowned. “I didn’t think I was. I’m simply invested in the movie. Of course, I’ve seen it before, so my mind will think up tangents to some of the things I’m seeing, like things I would change to the movie and whatnot. Could that be it?”

“Um, maybe...”

“If you feel like I’m, like, neglecting you or somethin-”

“No!” Virgil exclaimed, practically a scream, that threw Roman into a shock. Virgil covered his mouth with his hand, eyes widened. “Holy shit that was so loud, sorry, but no, oh god, please don’t think that. You’ve been cuddling Logan and you had your arm in mine before I told you to eat. Of course you’re not neglecting us. No, please don’t think that.”

Roman’s shock dissipated, remembering how Logan used to have anxieties that he was neglecting them a few months back. Logan scared all three of them with his drastic offers to leave their relationship and such, so any mention of something relating to that made Virgil think something similar was happening.

“I don’t think that, V, but I wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling that way,” Roman reassured him, hand running across Virgil’s cheek lovingly. “I want to give you all that you want, and if you thought that I wasn’t...”

That, that right there, that was the crux of Roman’s guilt. He wanted to give his loves the moon, stars, and universe, but most of all, as much of himself as he could. But he was ace, and he didn’t feel comfortable with that one tiny, minuscule, outrageously important thing, and that hurt his heart so much. He was a prince, a romantic, and a lover, but not in the way his boyfriends would want him to be. He knew he didn’t owe them anything, but he couldn’t help the guilt that came with not being able to give them what they wanted. He didn’t deserve them; it was as simple as that, and he knew that they should leave him.

“No, Roman, you give us so much...” Virgil said lovingly, putting a hand on Roman’s waist. “You just feel a little absent this evening, which is fine since we all have those days. But it could be something we need to talk about, something eating at you, and we want to be there for you to help you.”

The truth, less a lake or river and more of an ocean, was rising and it wanted desperately to come out—but he pushed it down, building the levees higher and higher so the saltwater wouldn’t spill and poison their relationship. He swallowed it back, refusing to be honest for what felt like the trillionth time. The ocean in his heart wanted to break the cycle of lies and deceptions, but his mind and loving heart couldn’t bring itself to.

He was just so in love with these men...so in love, he couldn’t bring himself to do what was best for them and leave them.

If he left them without providing any reason, it would break their hearts, but it would be easier. He wouldn’t have to disappoint them, to admit to lying to them, and they wouldn’t hate him. He didn’t think he could deal with them hating him. He just couldn’t. Leaving them with no explanation...that seemed easier to accomplish.

“I’m perfectly fine, Virge. I may just be tired.”

“You’re tired?” Virgil asked curiously.

Roman shrugged. “I couldn’t really sleep last night. It’s no big deal, though. We all know my thoughts tend to run wild.”

“Yes,” Janus cut in, “but you say that our presence usually helps with that.”

Logan waved a hand. “Sure, usually, but it makes sense that sometimes it won’t work. Just like you said earlier, Janus. We don’t have to scour Roman’s claims for subtext or things he is neglecting to tell us. A bad night is normal for people.”

Roman silently thanked Logan. He didn’t want to have another sudden uncontrollable urge to run to the guest bedroom. Roman almost reached for Logan’s hand, but his mind told him not to, that one day he would leave his boyfriends, so he didn’t deserve that comfort.

Roman nodded. “Yeah. My mind was just a bit more active last night. Sorry.”

Janus reached across Virgil, seeming like he wanted to touch Roman, but his hand hesitated above Virgil’s knee and fell there instead. “No, no. It’s alright, Roman. I apologize for doubting you.”

Roman shook his head. “You’re fine, J. Do you all have any other questions?”

Virgil and Janus looked at each other, clearly unsatisfied, but shook their heads to indicate a negative.

“No,” Virgil answered. “I have nothing else to ask about.”

Roman kissed his cheek and then grabbed the remote, pressing play. He leaned back into the couch. He made sure to press a lingering kiss to Logan’s jaw before watching the movie, though. He smirked when he saw Logan blush and hold a hand to cover his jawline. Roman then fully focused on the movie.

Well, fully focused wasn’t a good way to put it. He fully focused for a grand total of eighteen seconds before his mind started to yell at him again.

That whole conversation...they knew something was up. Virgil and Janus were unsatisfied with the information they received from him. He could tell there was a sneaking suspicion between them that he wasn’t telling them the whole truth, that something else was going on.

Roman didn’t like that he couldn’t tell what Logan was thinking. He figured that he, the smartest of them, knew that Roman was hiding something, but just wasn’t as determined to figure out what it was. Roman respected him for that and valued that he didn’t care to participate in the interrogations, and was very thankful that he served as comfort for that very reason.

However, Roman couldn’t take that comfort presently.

His mind was a whirlpool of anxiety, guilt, and self-hatred. He wished that with a snap of his fingers they could know and they’d accept him for his sexuality, continuing to court him. Roman knew that it was unrealistic, but he could hope.

And so, hope he did. He imagined being able to love and be with his boyfriends without any worries of rejection of who he was. He imagined telling them all the little things he’s figured out about them when he can’t sleep in the early morning hours or when he’s away from his loves and can only dream about their presence. What their voices sound like, what their eyes are to him, what color he perceived their souls to be. He couldn’t confess such romantic thoughts that make him vulnerable to the clutches of love, not when he wouldn’t have them for much longer. So he’d take it to his grave, wondering what it would have been like to be with them for the rest of his life.

His chest burned with the shame of his lies. He knew they’d break up with him eventually, and yet he continued with the falsehoods. He still lied to them, deceived them, and crafted elaborate schemes to throw them off his trail of black, gray, white, and purple. Who was he to hold on to his own selfish desires when his boyfriends would hate him for what he withheld? What kind of greedy thief? His heart was screaming: screaming at him for his lies and screaming at him to reveal the truth.

He brought his arms around his knees again, squeezing himself into the smallest ball he could muster. (He did it quietly, though, so no one would be suspicious.)

“Roman?” Logan whispered, leaning closer. “Are you alright?”

Roman easily concocted another lie. “Just a little cold.”

“While we can fix the thermostat, I find it to be quite a comfortable temperature.”

“I have a tendency to get cold when I don’t sleep well enough. You don’t have to do anything.” Something that wasn’t a lie, not really, just not relevant to his current actions and situation.

Logan nodded. “If you believe you would benefit from human warmth, I am always an option to turn to.”

Roman couldn’t help but smile. He would miss Logan’s hugs.

A life...without Logan’s hugs.

Roman shuddered.

“Would you like a blan-”

Roman shook his head immediately. “No, no, Logan. You needn’t help me.”

Roman’s wandering gaze allowed him to watch the smallest of frowns start to possess Logan’s face. This made Roman want to hug the living daylights out of him and kiss him until the frown was a smile, but he couldn’t let himself be selfish anymore.

The selfishness had to go.

And when he allowed himself to mentally let go of the selfishness in his motivations, just for the shortest of moments (because of course he couldn’t let go of it for long), he was finally able to realize the excruciating apparency that his mind and heart were also suffering from his neglection of himself. He was neglecting who he was.

And suddenly, when the selfishness came back, the desire to love and be loved, to take what he didn’t deserve nor would be allowed to have if his boyfriends knew the full truth, it wasn’t strong enough.

Look at what you’ve taken from them. You’ve lied to them. They won’t leave this situation without trust issues. They won’t want you after this. You’re a liar. An asexual liar.

You want to be loved, but do you really deserve it? When you’ll go to such immoral lengths to stay loved by those who deserve so much better?

You neglect and scorn a part of yourself because it won’t have the approval of those you love? You love them, even though they’d throw you out the second you come clean. You are so desperate, too desperate. Your asexuality is a part of you. Why do you chase after those who won’t love you once you let them pull back the curtain?

Why have you waited so long? It won’t make a difference. They’ll still see the same thing. A pleading, pitiful dog they’ll leave.

Look at all that you’ve taken from them.

They deserve better.

You’re ace, own up to it. You can’t lie to them any longer.

What happens when there isn’t a pizza delivery guy at the door?

Can you be honest then? Or are you too used to lying?

This can’t go on forever.

You’re asexual, Roman!

The levees broke, the ocean spilling out onto the surface. It ran through his body feeling like salt to an open wound, and he grabbed the TV remote. He pressed the pause button.

His boyfriends turned to face him. Roman realized he was shaking violently as though he had caught frostbite. He didn’t have the mental ability to stabilize himself, though.

“I have to tell you guys about something.” Roman was shocked to notice that his voice was hardly shaking.

Logan nodded. He put an arm around Roman, Virgil doing the same. Janus reached to put a hand on his knee. Roman shook his head, though, and tried to shake them off. They hesitantly complied, but looked very worried about doing so.

“Are you sure, Ro?” asked Virgil.

Roman nodded, pulling a hand from around his knees to repress a sob. He couldn’t cry. Not yet. “You won’t want to hold me when I’m finished, and I don’t...I don’t want to feel your arms leave me.”

“Roman,” Logan started, but stopped when Roman waved an arm at him.

“Please don’t,” he said. “Just let me tell you what I need to.”

They retreated from his trembling figure. He swallowed, letting his eyes fall shut for half a second before fixing his gaze on the television screen.

“I know you all won’t—” Roman’s voice cracked, “—want to be with me anymore after I...after I tell you this. And that’s o-...” he choked back another sob, “...okay. So, if you want me to, I will make it easier for you and say that I’m leaving.”

Roman felt everyone flinch in some form. Even when Logan had his “you all should leave me” issues, he didn’t say he was actually leaving. Roman felt his soul laugh bitterly when it registered that his loves didn’t want him to leave...not yet.

“I have lied to you,” he started, focusing on making his voice stay steady. “I have deceived you. So, so many times. I should have said something ages ago, but I didn’t...and I’m sorry for that.” Roman cursed his past self for not saying anything eight months back when he realized he was ace. “I’m sorry for everything. The constant lies, the complex and repetitive...impulsive deceptions.

“But I can’t lie anymore, and the truth is killing me.” He gasped for a breath of air. “I wish...I wish it wouldn’t have to end this way, and I wish I-” He stopped himself, not wanting to tell them he wanted them forever and make them feel guilty for leaving him. They didn’t deserve that. “I wish I talked about this with you all eight months ago when I was still figuring things out, but I-” He stopped himself again. No excuses. “I’m sorry to spring this on you, in the middle of a movie, but it’s just breaking past and I can’t keep this from you all anymore.

“I’m asexual.”

Roman inhaled sharply, feeling the need to explain himself. “Again, I’m making it easier for you and I’m...I’m leaving—” his voice broke in the middle of his last word, “—so you don’t have to leave me. And...it’s probably better this way...’cause I don’t want to hear y’all tell me you’re leaving me.” A sob slipped past his lips. “I love you all so much, I couldn’t take that. I’m fully owning up to my-, my lies and mistakes. So it’s okay. I’m leaving, so you all can be...happier. Because-, because I know you don’t want me anymore.”

There was a moment of silence. It was somewhere around a minute, but Roman lived that minute like it was a hundred hours, and it would always be the longest minute of his life.

He couldn’t help but wonder what they were thinking. They were surely realizing that all of his ‘calls from his mother’ were faked. They were angry, disappointed, hurt, and maybe even disgusted. What kind of boyfriend lies for eight months to hide information that would make his partners leave him? A bad one.

Roman no longer wanted to run to the guest room and listen to his playlist. The guest room wasn’t enough. He wanted to summon his phone, crawl underground, let the earth envelop him, and spend the rest of his days in a dirt cave trying not to think about the only three people he could fathom loving romantically for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to face them. He didn’t want to hear their anger, their hatred, their loss of love. He didn’t want to see it either. He didn’t want to see or hear—or feel, he didn’t want to experience the pain of heartbreak or never being able to feel their touch—ever again. He just wanted to love his boyfriends and be himself at the same time; he wanted the impossible. The earth swallowing him whole seemed like the best comfort for that issue.

Roman felt a head duck under his right arm, abruptly stealing him from his thoughts. His head snapped over to find that Virgil had forced himself under his arm and was now pressing himself into Roman’s side. Roman frowned in confusion, especially when his Virgil didn’t say anything after a moment of continued silence. Roman looked away, not wanting to think about the meaning behind Virgil’s actions.

He felt something shake through Virgil’s body for a short moment. It brought his gaze back on his boyfriend, eyes now tinted with worry. He wanted to ask what happened, if something was the matter, but he didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want to act like he still had any right to address him.

Virgil readjusted his position, face momentarily removed from Roman’s shirt. Roman was able to see his face and was horrified to find that he was crying. What shook him earlier must’ve been a sob. Roman wanted to lay down, pull Virgil on top of him, dry his eyes, hug the life out of him, and place kisses all over his face until he smiled or laughed. But Roman didn’t get to do that anymore. Besides, Logan was better at the hugging and comforting thing than him anyway.

Roman suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over him. He realized that it was his fault that Virgil was crying. Roman had made someone he loved cry. Virgil was crying—sobbing because of him. The guilt was incredible, and accompanying it was the disgust. Roman leaving them was the right thing to do. Virgil deserved a boyfriend that didn’t make him cry during movie night, who didn’t cause him to sob because Roman confessed who he was.

Roman was now twistedly satisfied with his decisions. Normally, he would never allow someone who made Virgil cry within three feet of him. Now, Roman would never be allowed to step foot into their line of sight ever again. He couldn’t hurt them anymore. This was good.

He felt Virgil’s left arm snake behind his back. Virgil’s right arm threw itself across Roman’s stomach.

Virgil was hugging him? What?

He desperately wanted to open his mouth and question Virgil’s decisions, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. It felt wrong. Roman had spoken already and knew internally that it was time for his boyfriends to speak next.

“I-I, I am so—” Virgil choked, “—sorry.”

Roman’s face fell into one of confused shock. Things weren’t right. Virgil shouldn’t be apologizing.

“We are so sorry,” Virgil rephrased, voice cracking all over the place. “I know we all are. I’m so- so sor-”

Roman expected Janus to put a hand on Virgil’s back and comfort him with a low and whispered ‘shhhh’, but nothing of that sort came. No one did anything as they let Virgil cry. Roman was too scared to comfort him, but oh how he wanted to.

“Roman,” Logan started slowly, the cracks and unsteadiness in his voice not going unnoticed by Roman, “Virgil’s sentiments echo mine. You have my deepest, most sincere apologies.”

Roman thought he couldn’t get more confused. He was wrong.

It must have shown on his face, because after Virgil glanced up at Roman for half a second, he started to talk again.

“You...you do not deserve this,” Virgil started, keeping his bloodshot eyes on Roman.

Ah, this is what it was. His partners were empathetic enough to understand that this breakup would devastate Roman and were apologizing before finalizing it. This made sense.

“And I am so, so sorry to be a cause,” Virgil said with utmost sincerity. Despite the tear tracks and puffy eyes, he kept eye contact with Roman.

A cause? How did he cause this?

“I just- I wanna know—” he removed his arm from Roman’s stomach, “—what we did...to make you think that.”

Roman’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He had no idea what Virgil was talking about. Roman’s asexuality was not caused by anything, especially not any person. He intended on clearing this up for Virgil.

However, Logan spoke instead. “What Virgil’s asking is,” started Logan with a sniff, “what could- could ever make you think th- that I, that we-”

Logan put a hand over his mouth. He couldn’t finish. Roman knew that Logan couldn’t talk and cry at the same time if he wanted to keep composure while crying, so he would stop talking when his lungs stopped supporting his vocal cords.

“What did we do to make you think that we could ever stop loving you?” Virgil completed.

That was the last thing Roman expected to hear.

Virgil was implying that he, no, that they still loved him. That wasn’t right. That wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. Roman suddenly felt scarily unprepared for the rest of this talk.

“V-Virgil, you don’t understand,” said Roman, looking away from Virgil’s eyes so he wouldn’t lose his nerve to speak. He spotted Virgil opening his mouth to reply, so Roman rushed to continue. “I’m not just ace, I’ve been hiding it. And I’ve been hiding it by all sorts of- of crazy deceptions. I mean—“ Roman laughed bitterly, a sound that made all of his boyfriends flinch, “—I’ve even given my mom’s ringtone the same ringtone as a sound on my phone just so I can tap it easily and get out of any vaguely sexual situation, lying that I’m on the phone with my mom and driving off to- to a hotel or something to cool down. That’s- that’s crazy high level lying right there, and all because I was too selfish and wanted to keep you all so bad that I hid something that would end us. Something that you would hate me for, and that wasn’t fair to you, to any of you, and-”

Virgil roughly grabbed Roman’s hair and pulled his lips to his. Throughout the kiss, Virgil was practically hitting his stomach as well as sobbing in a way that sounded...angry?

“Shut up, just stop talking,” Virgil mumbled against his lips, body shaking. “Please.”

Logan put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder, pushing him back. “V, let him go.”

Roman was so, so confused. His brain could only figure that Virgil had given him a kiss goodbye, a pity message of ‘this is your last one’. Roman wished he’d savored it.

“B-but Lo,” Virgil protested, trying to hang on to Roman as Logan pushed him away. Virgil stopped struggling when Janus’ arms encircled his waist from behind and held him still.

“Stop it, Virgil,” Logan commanded quietly, as calm as he could manage. “Look at him. You really think we should be kissing him right now?”

Roman couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped his lips. He covered his mouth with his hand as soon as he heard it. Logan was erasing his confusion. They were breaking up with him.

“I apologize again, Roman, that is not how I meant it,” said Logan, removing his attention from Virgil. Roman could tell he was doing everything to seem and sound composed. “I simply didn’t want him to overwhelm or confuse you. Virgil should have asked, or withheld, considering your current fragility.”

Roman could not believe this. A part of him was starting to become angry. One second, he has everything straight, and then someone talks, and he’s confused again. He wanted to know what was going on.

“He’s angry though, Roman,” Logan continued, explaining Virgil’s actions. “I can’t blame him for that. He just loves you so much...he couldn’t hear that talk from you. He wanted those thoughts and assumptions to stop, but he should have asked. I believe that after he composes himself, he will be sorry.”

Virgil gave a dissatisfied moan but didn’t argue.

“On the topic of your hesitancy to come out...” Logan started, putting a hand to his chin.

“I was lying, Logan, you don’t need to sugarcoat it. I’m sorry for it, I really am, please believe me. I don’t like-, no, I hate lying to you all, it sucks and it hurts and I knew I was a terrible boyfriend every time I lied...but I was just so selfish and wanted you all to stay with me but...but that’s not possible. I should have realized that earlier, that I would have to say something eventually, and that waiting would only make the confession hurt more.”

Roman eyed Virgil to see his reaction, worried that he would be angry at him again. He found no arms holding Virgil back, which made him quite anxious.

Suddenly, he felt two hands touch his knees. His gaze shot over to see what was in front of him.

And Janus, who hadn’t spoken during this entire conversation, was kneeling at Roman’s feet, gazing into his eyes with the most confusing look Roman had seen. It was gentle, sympathetic, loving, understanding, all while looking like a guilty man about to beg before a court of law. It should have been unadulterated hatred.

“Roman,” said Janus softly, lovingly. His thumbs traced a circle on the sides of his knees. “I don’t have to look outside to see the Sun. You shine brighter than any elemental concoction that could light up the sky, and unlike the one we have in our solar system, you do not burn us with ultraviolet rays. You shroud us in love, beauty, and so much color: things that I thought I had seen before but never really experienced.

“I do not need your body in the early hours of the morning to love you. I do not need your sexuality to revel in your presence. We do not want you for your body, for what you can give us. We want you for who you are, because we think that this wonderful personality you have is the most beautiful of all creations. Sex...is minuscule, unnecessary, and separate from romance entirely. You really think I care about sex, something so insignificant, so much as to break up with you? No. I want you for your love, and I want you to be loved by me. By us. I don’t understand how you thought that your lack of desire for sex would make me not want you anymore, but that doesn’t-”

“Why else would I-”

A hand left Roman’s knee and pressed against his lips, quieting him. “Don’t do that, my songbird, don’t think like that. I just explained why. Your smile, your interests, your cuteness, your kindness, your stupid bravery, and I could go on forever. Your everything. We love you for who you are, not for what you could give us sexually. Therefore, we will still want you with your asexuality. Roman, you are one of my three favorite people in existence, and since your asexuality is a part of you, I love it too.”

Roman put a hand in front of his mouth, feeling tears starting to come. He couldn’t cry, though, not when Janus was looking at him like that. So lovingly, and gently, and so, so sincere.

“I have to repeat the words of our partners and say that I am sorry. I am sorry that we gave off the impression that if you told us you were asexual, we wouldn’t want you anymore. I am disappointed, so disappointed in myself that after nine months of love, you still thought that this could make me fall out of love with you. I was able to make you think that I would hate you, that I, your boyfriend, wasn’t a safe person to come to.” A tear slid down Janus’s face. “I am sorry. No words that exist can fully deliver to you how sorry I am. Because darling, you looked so scared. Of me, of us. I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s not your-”

Janus’s finger moved back in front of Roman’s lips.

“Onto what you were saying...about your hesitancy to come out.”

“Don’t sugarcoat it like Logan did.”

“I’m not. That’s what it was. That’s exactly what it was.” He took a deep breath. “I lie. A lot. I’m a compulsive liar. I have been working on that since our relationship began, using methods like obvious backwards speak to satiate my desire to twist the truth. This means that I know what lying is.

“You should not confuse lying with being in the closet. They are not the same. We do not want you to think that you not being ready to come out is the same thing as lying or being deceitful. Those words come with an underlying twinge of malice—something that is not at all to be associated with being in the closet. You not being ready to come out is fine. It’s not something you need to apologize for. The last thing we want to do is push you to tell us something close to your heart. Coming out is not a responsibility. A lack of readiness is fine and normal. We’ve all been in the closet too, so we all have experience with hiding who we are to people we love. My concealing of my homosexuality early on in my life was the only part of my long career of hiding the truth that I know had no moral wrongness in it.

“I will go a step further than rationalize your hesitancy to come out. I am glad that those ‘deceptions’ happened.”

Roman couldn’t help but widen his eyes a bit. His jaw dropped an inch, but he closed it when he remembered Janus’s finger resting on his lips. Janus’s finger drew back anyway, almost like he forgot it was still there. It went back to Roman’s knee and Janus’s thumbs resumed their activity of tracing circles onto the sides of Roman’s knees.

“I shudder to think about what would’ve happened without them. If you hadn’t set your phone to easily play your mother’s ringtone...is that why you looked so terrified earlier? Didn’t you leave your phone in the guest room?”

Roman nodded.

“Right. I am so glad that you had these escapes on-hand. I do hope you understand that you don’t owe us sex-”

“God, no.”

“Good. Nevertheless, I am so thankful that you had these outs. I wouldn’t want you to feel forced to come out when you are not ready to do so, either. So, I am glad you have made use of your clever mind to keep yourself safe.

“Those ‘deceptions’, as you call them, are none of the sort, honey; they are tools. Protections. Things that kept you safe and comfortable. I am even happier that you no longer have to use them. What I am trying to tell you is, you should not apologize for them. Virgil, Logan, and I?” He gestured to their boyfriends which were now cuddling while crying and listening in. “I’m sure they are thankful as well.

“I want to apologize for tonight, too. I pushed you a bit far earlier, before we got pizza, and was unable to notice your discomfort. I know that I wasn’t aware of your asexuality at the time, but I still feel very guilty for engaging in such an intimate activity that you were uncomfortable with. And, I know I get clingy after I kiss one of you, especially if we get interrupted by a third party. I was a bit sensitive about your refusal of my presence when I should have respected and not have come close to questioning your desire for space.” Janus looked very ashamed, and to Roman, it was quite painful.

“No, no, J. That habit is a piece of vulnerable knowledge we’re lucky to have about you. I should have at least explained I was in need of space, but I also didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Either way, don’t apologize. You didn’t know.” Roman gave his love a comforting smile, hand raising to touch his cheek but lowering out of hesitance. He still couldn’t believe Janus wanted him.

“Please touch me,” he whispered, watching Roman’s hand go with longing.

Roman complied, almost immediately running his fingers over Janus’ features. Janus was a work of art, and Roman intended to admire him as such.

Apparently, that sentiment showed in his eyes, because Janus’s cheeks flushed and he glanced down. Roman was able to catch the faintest of smiles before his lovely boyfriend’s face was shrouded from view.

“No, hey, let me look at you,” Roman muttered in protest, trying to push up Janus’ head so he could see his face again.

Janus slowly complied, blushing up a storm. “See what I mean?” Janus whispered, definitely surprised about his composure while being the focus of the most admiring gaze. “You treat me like I am some...work of art—something I am at a loss to find the reasoning for. You think we only want you if we can have sex with you? When you treat us like this?”

In order to repress his growing blush, Roman answered the rhetorical question. “I am not treating you like you are a work of art. I am admiring you because you are a work of art.”

“Thank you for strengthening my arguments,” responded Janus, definitely not looking like a tomato in any shape or form. Nope. “I hope I have properly demonstrated that we love you, all through this, and we still want you.”

Roman didn’t know if he could respond to that. He just bit his lip and ran his hand through Janus’s hair. When he finished admiring Janus’s brown curls, he returned his hand to Janus’s cheek.

Janus slowly removed Roman’s hand from his cheek. He kissed the top of it, lips lingering on his skin longer than any normal hand kiss. He slowly turned his head back up to face Roman after the kiss.

“Thank you for hearing me out, my prince.” He nodded his head in respect.

A moment of silence occurred—almost awkward, but Roman was too elated to notice whether it truly was awkward or not. He then frowned. “You’re still on your knees.”

“I am on my knees because I have had to apologize to you twice tonight. A sign of respect while doing so, isn’t it?”

Roman shook his head. Roman being known as the dramatic one of the relationship, it was easy to forget just how dramatic Janus could be. “I forgive your unnecessary apologies on one condition,” said Roman, with a glint of playfulness in his eyes that he hoped was communicated to Janus.

Janus’s posture straightened. This made Roman realize that Janus’s symbolism intended with being on his knees was sincere and not just for the dramatic touch. “Yes?” questioned Janus, a pure expression of hopefulness betraying his desire to look formal and composed.

“Cuddle me.”

Janus’s face broke out into the happiest of grins. He got up and sat where Logan used to be sitting (but who was now in Janus’s old spot, cuddling Virgil), and opened his arms. Roman fell into them, tangling himself with Janus as much as he could, wanting to be as close as possible. Janus reciprocated such actions and made a noise of contentment. He was finally getting the close proximity he had been desiring from Roman for the past hour.

Virgil and Logan scooted over to them.

Virgil cupped Roman’s face. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

Roman leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on his lips. “I forgive you.”

“I am glad Janus was able to convince you, Roman,” said Logan. “I fear Virgil and I were too...upset.”

“I am so lucky you all love me so much,” Roman replied, holding out a hand for Logan to take. “For you all to express such love and sadness for me...it is unimaginable. I didn’t realize just how loved I am. But...please trust me when I say I reciprocate every ounce.”

“We know you do,” Virgil replied, snuggling into Roman’s stomach and making the mess on the couch a proper cuddle pile. “We love you so much.”

“I love youuuuuu,” said Roman in response, resting a hand in Virgil’s hair that he intended to keep there as long as possible, and holding Logan’s hand with his free hand. He turned his head to kiss Janus’s lips.

This kiss felt much more real and genuine. He no longer had any lingering anxieties relating to where a lengthy kiss could be heading.

It was the best kiss he’d had.

“That felt different,” murmured Janus after they parted. “You feel-”

“No more anxiety.”

“It’s wonderful.”

Roman smiled against his lips, slowly retracting them. He pulled Virgil up to kiss him like he did Janus, and then the same with Logan.

When his lips parted from Logan’s, completing one of the three best kisses of his life, his head flopped gracelessly onto Janus’s chest. He grinned up at him.

“You look like pure ecstasy, darling,” Janus observed, brushing a hand through Roman’s hair.

“I am,” answered Roman.

They loved him. They knew who he was and loved him. He confessed his lies and- no, he confessed his hesitancy to come out and what he did to hide his asexuality, and they weren’t angry. They were supportive. They were thankful.

Virgil was upset because he was appalled that he could’ve made Roman think he could ever fall out of love with him and because he heard Roman talk so horribly about himself. Logan was sad for similar reasons. Janus was sorry, so incredibly sorry, but things were better now. They were in love, and nothing was hidden anymore.

Virgil loved him. Logan loved him. Janus loved him.

Roman was asexual, and that was okay.

“Are you okay, honey? You’re crying,” asked Janus in worry, wiping a tear from under Roman’s eye.

Roman was surprised at this news. “I’m so lucky you all still love me,” he explained.

“No, you’re not,” Logan objected, drawing Roman’s gaze to his. “We obviously still love you. It is the four of us who are fortunate to have found such incredible love in each other.”

“You’re so fucking sappy, L,” Virgil remarked, pressing a kiss to his nose.

Logan whined in protest. “I detest that statement.”

“Virgil has a point, sugar. You’re a lovebug,” Janus agreed.

Logan shook his head. “No. No, you’re wrong. This is insulting, especially considering my reputation.”

“Your reputation doesn’t mean shit in this apartment,” said Roman lovingly, kissing Logan’s forehead. “We all know who you really are.”

“Doesn’t mean you get to tease me about it.”

“What are you talking about?” Janus asked innocently. “That’s precisely what it means.”

Logan groaned and buried his red face into Virgil’s chest. The rest laughed.

The movie was completely forgotten.

Taglist: @somehow-i-got-an-account @justanotherhumanstuff @neo-neo-neo @fander-fic-recs

This is the longest prompt I have filled. Period. I’m almost sorry for that, but this is one of my favorite ships and writing this was so fun! I hope you liked it!

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dnarez · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 7 - Autumn Coat

It's been a few months since you started to work as a caretaker, nothing grand happened, but the times you left for your break once every 14 days, you always come back to a crying Keigo, and a missing mother.

The last time he wrecked the house, there was glass on the floor, footprints on the ceiling, walls painted with... wine? jelly? blood? You don't know, but it was hell to clean, which of course you made lil birb help too.

By questioning him after cleaning everything and then cleaning him, you discovered that his "mother" gave him coffee, and A LOT of it, and went her merry way to meet with someone.

---

To say that you were pissed was a mistake, you were furious, but the commission didn't let you reprehend her, so you had to teach him to not eat and drink something that his mother gave to him, without knowing what it was, and that if he drank coffee he would stop growing, which made him cry, but you promised a day outside with him, where they would eat out, maybe go to a mall, and he could have anything that he wanted.

It was his first time going out to have fun, instead of just going to the gym, or the doctor appointment, so with the 'okay card' from your boss you took him for a stroll, which is why there is a very excited Keigo jumping on your bed at 6am.

"COME. OOOOON!!! WE STILL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY AHEAD OF US!" he shouted while jumping up and down on your bed, his wings flapping behind him.

"Hun, what time it is?" you yawned and sat on the bed.

"It's 6AM! On a Monday!!!"

"I wish you would be this easy to wake up every day, it would make my mornings easier" you huff and got up. "Go wash your face, I will get changed and come to help you change yourself."

"I don't need help! I'm a big boy! I can change myself!" he pouted and crossed his arms.

You smiled at him, seeing how much he opened up to you in comparison to the first day, when he would tremble form how scared he was, and how he talked so little. "I know you can, but you need to put warmer clothes than normal, and it would be better if you didn't pick that awful t-shirt again"

"The one that his written 'Daddy's little boy' with the Endevour's face?" he tilted his head a little.

"Exactly, that one! Now go, we will eat breakfast outside today."

"Woo-hoo!" he raised both hands and was about to jump down to the floor when you held him back and fills his face with kisses "Let me go mommy!" he giggles a lot, and you keep doing it until you decide to release him.

"THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!" You shout and jumps up "If you aren't on your bedroom in 15 seconds the world is going to END!" You say dramatically and open's the door to the laundry room "1... 2... 3... aaaaaand... he's gone" as soon as you opened the door and started the countdown he flew off your small home to his room.

After fixing your bed and washing your face, you went to get changed and choose something comfy, some black jeans, a long sleeved red shirt, a black purse and your favorite beige coat that had white fur on it.

You went to his room to get him ready when you were surprised by the scene, him, Keigo, your baby birb, the cute little shit that was getting more confident with each training, that had the most beautiful smile you had ever seen.

On the floor, curled up in a ball, with a few drops of blood on the ground of the floor, and his mother with her hand in the air, like she was about to hit him...

The world was turning slowly, almost stopping, after three movements of your finger, the one that the nail was always painted black, the dame that had cut the wall.

As the world was moving slowly, you were moving like normal.

5... you calmly walked to Keigo

4... you took him on your arms

3... you put him on the bed

2... you took the pillow case from the pillow

1... you tied both of the hands of Keigo's mother.

The world was back to normal, and Keigo blinked looking at what was now his mother on the ground and you on top of her mobilizing her, while he was no longer on the floor, but on his new fluffy bed that you picked for him "so quick..." he mumbles and look at you with admiration.

You took your phone from your purse, and sat on top of her back "Hello? You saw from the cameras, didn't you? Yeah... I think she needs a few days of vacation... about a week? Okay I let her on the couch then? Thank you, good bye" you turn off the cellphone and look at Keigo who was mouth agape looking at you with shiny eyes. "Let's go?" You smile and pick him up.

"YOU WERE SO AWESOME!!! And didn't you told me to change my clothes?" He hugged your neck

"We can just buy it on the mall but... outside is really cold..." you put him back on the bed and took off your coat "here, I'll lend you my favorite coat, please take good care of it"

He sniffs the coat and is meet by the soft smell of lavender and sweetened coffee.

He looks at you with shiny eyes, "okay!"

You pick him up again and hold his mother's ankle while you drag her to the living room. "Tomorrow is your trainer's day off, so today you can sleep later"

"Woo-hoo!!"

You chuckle and let the woman on the couch, then you go out with him.

"Let's have breakfast and then go out and about"

You carried him to the car, and there you put him on the backseat and when you were going to buckle him up he stopped you.

"Let me do it! I'm a big boy" you nod and watch as he struggles, but after some time does it.

"Good job" you kiss his forehead and goes to the front seat.

As you drive around you put some kids pop, which he sang along to the Disney songs from the movies you showed him.

As you stop at a café that you liked, "Let's go?" He unbuckles himself, and you open the door to him, picking him up again

"I can walk!"

"Not with that bare feet of yours" you tickle his feet which makes him squirm and giggle.

Walking in you take a sit and sat Keigo beside you. "You can get anything, ask away" you took the menu and give it to him "since you learn how to read better I'm sure you can pick what you want"

"Okay!..." he spends 20 minutes choosing his food, which ended up being a chicken breast sandwich and a soda, you immediately told him no soda in the morning.

"How about some juice?" You offer

"What are you going to drink?" Keigo tilts his head to the side.

"I want to go out and by sweetened coffee from the vending machine, it's my favorite, and no you can't have some"

He giggles and nods "I want strawberry juice!"

"I'm gonna go order it to the cashier, two chicken sandwiches and a strawberry juice"

"Can I pick a dessert?"

"After you eat everything, sure, here play a game on my phone while you wait, I'll be right back" you give him your phone unlocked and go to the cashier.

Keigo is playing on your cellphone when someone approaches him, his little trained feathers don't recognize this person's vibrations, so he looks up and sees a dude with a scary look and long black hair.

They both just stare at each other "sup" Keigo say and discreetly send a feather to you and taps your feet.

You come back to the table and is surprised to see your oldest friend, you give him a big smile "Shouta-niisan!" You hug him, but he only pats your head.

Keigo looks surprised at the interaction, you don't talk about yourself, only the basic and vaguely gives information about what you did before him.

"Is this your kid?" The man looked at Keigo, the man looked like it was around 23 maybe 25.

"Yeah! I'm his-... mom, yeah! I'm his mother" you smile breaking the hug and sat down "too busy to stay?"

He nods and put a can of your favorite sweetened coffee in front of you "You're doing a good job, just be careful, you never know"

You nod back at him and give him a big smile "I will, at least I'm no longer doing patrols, don't forget to call me once a week"

"I never broke a promise, won't start now" he pets your hair and goes away.

Keigo watched the weird transactions extremely curious "Who was him? Is him your older brother? You don't look alike. Why didn't you say goodbye to him? Why does he look like a bun? Why-"

"Enough!" You put your hand on his mouth "He's an old friend, I call him nii-san because I always called him that, no we aren't blood related, he always looked like that, and... we promise to never say goodbye to each other"

"Why?"

"Because a goodbye can be forever, so we just don't say it" a waitress comes to you both and puts everything on the table.

You open the canned coffee and drink it, smiling at him as he eats, you both eat and then went shopping.

...

Keigo could fit in anything, and he would look cute you just loved the way he looked on yellow or beige, they fit well with his red wings.

"Hey mom... I wanted to know if-..." he was scared, uncomfortable maybe? About something.

"You can ask me anything Birb, there is no way that I will not answer" you kneeled on the floor besides him and looked at him through the mirror.

"What's your quirk?" He looked at you while fiddling with his hands.

You smiled at him "It's kinda hard to explain, It's better if I show it to you" you took his hand and paid for the clothing, now that he was with some clothes that were good for the Autumn cold weather.

After getting to the car you drove off to the training gym.

"Why are we here?" Keigo recognized the building quickly.

"My power can be a little destructive, its1better to do this in a place that no one can get hurt" going in you went to your private training room with the little boy following you like a baby duck.

"How destructive?" Keigo held your hand and you held his.

"Very, now stay back" you pressed a bottom on the wall "My quirk needs ink all the time to do anything, and I always have it around me, most likely on my point finger, here I can do almost anything" you made a straight line in the direction of the dummies and cut 3 at the same time, cutting through them.

"Woaaah! What else?" Keigo's wings fluffed up at your awesomeness.

You walk to the middle and make a dot next to him, a huge tree appears from nothing surprising him, he falls to the floor shocked.

"I can also make a path of flowers, and the tree will only stay there for a few seconds, but it can surprise the enemy enough to take them down" you move your finger around under Keigo's feet and there grows some flowers.

"My ability is called Celestial Brush"

"THIS IS SO COOL!" He runs to you, and you pick him up when he's close enough. "MOM YOU ARE AWESOME!"

You look at him surprised and hug him tightly "My son, you are awesome too"

You two stay like that for some time, until he bugs you to show more of your ability, which you do, you show him each trick and technique you learned until now.

https://youtu.be/BRcfqu3hQkY (your quirk)

(Yes this is your quirk, and everything you can do with it)

After showing him everything you picked him up and you both go back home to take a shower, eat and sleep.

Those moments in his life were the happiest that Keigo had ever been, always protected by you, he was given the love and affection that he always wanted, he didn't care for everything else, he just cared about you, because you were his true mother, the woman that he would run to when he got himself hurt, to ask about life, to ask about anything really, since you also were his teacher. When he had nightmares you would hold him until he calmed down, would kiss his head, would compliment the small things he had done, and would scout him when he did something wrong.

Keigo loved you more than anything in his life, and Hawks miss you dearly in his, because in the end, you still worked for the commission, and he too didn't have a choice when you went away for an important mission.

The day before your departure you both made a pillow nest in the living room, you induced him on his bird instincts, HD wouldn't have such luxury after you went away.

Neither of you talked about you leaving, instead you showed him your favorite movies, snacks and old latin folktales, the feeling of sadness was there the whole moment.

You tried to give as much advice you could, and only took him off your arms to use the bathroom.

Keigo also didn't wanted to let go of you, both sleep hugging each other, you promised that you would come back as soon as you could, that tou would ever forgive him if he died while being a hero, that you knew he was build for greatness.

Only when you had to leave that you allowed yourself to cry, at the door with only a backpack in hands, you put your coat on Keigo while he sleep, also letting your diary on his bed, to let him have you all the time.

After tucking him on his nest, you kissed his forehead and kisses his toy's head, going out of that house took a lot of strength, you didn't wanted to go, but duty called, you just hopped it would take less then a year.

. . . . .

But it didn't took a year, it took 18 years to take the ring leader down, and just now you were finally going back to Japan, and to the now number 2 pro hero Hawks.

.............. As you can see there is more to this book

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blaineandsamevanderson · 3 years ago

Note

What's in your WIP folder?

Oh boy, that’s a big ask! I tend to start writing a fic and get distracted. Some of these are super old and I keep meaning to get back to them, but the muses are fickle.

Hawaii Five 0

On the Right Track Babe ~ When a case leads to an undercover assignment, certain things are uncovered (Mcdanno)

Untitled ~ Danny works a detail at Honolulu Pride cuz he figures if there’s gotta be a police presence at Pride that some of the cops should be part of the community (Mcdanno)

9-1-1/9-1-1 LoneStar

The Date ~ Buck gets ready for a date after his shift at the firehouse...and a hot guy show to pick him up. Hot guy is Dylan, the hot EMT played by Nyle DiMarco on a Station 19 episode where they were fighting wildfires in CA. (Buddie)

Chopped ~ Buck competes on a firefighter edition of Chopped (Buddie)

BBQ ~ Carlos takes TK to a family BBQ (Tarlos)

Untitled Buddie Soulmates fic ~ When someone falls in love, they are marked, a signal appearing on their skin to commemorate that their heart was connected to another. Many couples bore marks for one and other, but only in rare occasions, do they wear the same mark. When two people loved each other and were true soulmates, they shared a mark. (Buddie)

Special Report ~ The news runs a story about the Tsunami on the anniversary (Buddie)

Untitled ~ Buck offers to go as Josh’s plus one to a wedding (undecided ship)

Untitled ~ Eddie hurts his hands and is frustrated. Buck is a good friend and lends a hand ;) (Buddie)

Untitled 9-1-1/Prodigal Son Crossover ~ What is says on the tin

Glee (All Blam)

Running Mates ~ When Blaine Anderson becomes the Democratic nominee for the presidency, he has to pick a VP. A Glee/West Wing fusion

Let’s Marvin Gaye ~ So, idea: In Senior year, Artie decides to get some more directorial experience by making music videos of his friends covering songs. One in particular is a hit, Blaine and Brittany’s cover of Charlie Puth/Meghan Trainor’s song Marvin Gaye…but unlike the actual video, they don’t share a kiss. Both Blaine and Britt have their own storylines in the video, Sam and Santana acting as their respective partners, culminating with kisses like in the video…though Artie doesn’t fade to black fast…It quickly goes viral :)

The Smell of Fresh Cut Grass on Sun Soaked Skin ~ Summer before S2, Sam’s family has just moved to Lima and he’s making extra cash by doing yard work. Gets hired by Mrs. Anderson and he and Blaine meet.

The Most Magical Place on Earth ~ Sam is called to a meeting by Blaine's parents. They sit him down and say that of all of Blaine's friends, Sam is the most reliable, the most trustworthy and the nicest. So they have chosen (maybe even hire) him to keep an eye on Blaine because Blaine tends to go crazy when he takes this annual trip. Cooper couldn't handle him. Kurt couldn't take it. But they think Sam can. When Blaine does his annual week-long trip to Disney World, Sam goes with him. Oh what could possibly happen?

Mutual Admiration ~ Famous male model Sam Evans is on Ellen to promote his new GQ magazine spread and when asked about celebrity crushes he reveals he’s crushing on Broadway star Blaine Anderson.

Friends, Love & Homecoming ~ S2 AU ~ Post 2x03 – Sam joined glee in 2x01 and is not dating Quinn. Not dating anyone at McKinley, cuz he’s with Blaine. When Homecoming rolls around, he wants to take him, so he tells the club. I want reactions!

Drunk on A Plane ~ After being left at the altar, Blaine decides to use the Honeymoon tickets himself. AU ~ where Sam never moved to Lima and he and Blaine meet later in life.

Cruise Ship Coincidence ~ Future fic slightly AU (no Klaine engagement or Samcedes stuff or they broke up already). During a cruise, Kurt and Rachel bump into newlywed Blaine and Sam, who are on their honeymoon after haven’t saw them in years

DCTV

Crossovers

Untitled Bake Off AU ~ DCTV characters on Bake Off (Captain Canary, Winnara and others)

Stretch Right Up and Touch the Sky ~ Camp STAR is one of the North East’s most popular science camps. Every year, young minds arrive to learn and explore. Unfortunately, a few weeks before the camp was to open for the season, a large explosion in one of the labs and the ensuing fire made the camp uninhabitable. Not wanting his campers to miss out on their summer, Owner Harrison Wells called up Joe West, Owner of Camp Superflarrow, who he knew was looking to expand the science discovery program at his own camp. (Captain Canary, Winnara and others)

Untitled Beach Town AU ~ Beach Town AU: Sara Lance (16) and her sister Laurel (17) are invited to spend the summer at the summer beach house of Laurel’s friend Oliver (17). There, they meet a variety of people, townies, other vacationers, etc…and one townie in particular, Leonard Snart (17) catches Sara’s interest :) (Captain Canary, Winnara and others)

Untitled Actors AU ~ An AU where the Legends of Superflarrow characters are actors playing heroes (or part of the crew for the tv/movie) and Sara is one of the heroes and Leonard is one of the villains and their chemistry inspires the writers to give his character a redemption arc… (Captain Canary and others)

Captain Cold Comes to National City ~ Based on a thread started by this tumblr post: I’ve got it! Due to the Oculus’s destruction, Len Snart is blown through the time-space continuum. He awakens in a universe not his own, with a girl in a red skirt… not to mention a red cape… standing over him (Captain Canary, Winnara and others)

Legends of Tomorrow

A Tale of Two Snarts ~ A familiar face returns in an unexpected way (Captain Canary)

Land of the Lost ~ The Legends try to figure out how they’re going to fix time and find a lost friend along the way. Spoilers for the Season 2 Finale!!!! (Captain Canary)

Marvel

Rewinding the Clock ~ In the Marvel world, even old age isn't a constant...

We’ve Come A Long Way From Where We Began ~ Picking up where Infinity War ends….

Star Trek

Georgia Time ~ A follow Up the The Journey Home and Beyond set right after Kirk et all graduate but before they ship out. (McKirk maybe?)

Teen Wolf

Finding Home ~ After the Battle of Beacon Hills, life goes on. (Thiam & Mahealahey & Others)

Model Behavior ~ Isaac gets a job as an Abercrombie greeter (before the ban) and Danny's his trainer. (Mahealahey)

The Full Moon Job (Crossover with Leverage) ~ An alternate version of Teen Wolf Season 6. Wet after the pack pretends to leave Beacon Hills, but after that, all timelines are chucked, characters are brought back and fun is had (Thiam & Mahealahey & Others)

Stay All Day in the Sun ~ When Theo isn't around, the pack starts to wonder where he's going off to.... (Thiam & Mahealahey & Others)

Untitled Actors AU ~ Liam and Theo are actors on a hit tv show. Their characters are enemies with crackling chemistry, but no one suspects it cuz they’re together off screen (Thiam)

Untitled Actors AU 2 ~ What if Danny was one of the cast of a popular show about werewolves? Possibly called Teen Wolf, for the fans of the Meta and, in Season 2, they bring in some new characters, including one played by Isaac. Their characters aren’t supposed to have too much interaction initially, but soon everyone sees the chemistry… (Mahealahey)

#McDanno #Buddie #Tarlos #Thiam #Mahealahey #Blam #Captain Canary #Winnara #McKirk #The Avengers #Fic #WIPs

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katsuflossy · 4 years ago

Note

(anon who requested the sleepover hc) i wanted it to be separate. i forgot to clarify when i asked, i’m sorry. 😭💕

Sleepover hc with their S/o

Original ask: hey boo! can you please do a sleepover hc with bakugou, shoto & shinsou? thank you so much! 💕

Pairings: Bakugo Katsuki x reader, Todoroki Shoto x reader, Hitoshi Shinso x reader

TW: obscenities, a lil drug talkin

A/n: Heyyy~~ I really had fun making this hc so thank you for giving me this ask💖 hope ya like it!

Taglist: @sunset-novice-writer @goatsenpaiultimate

💥 Expect gourmet snacks

💥 Tf Bakugo looks like eating those high-calorie, sugar filled shits with msg.

💥 He made Oreos...that are better than the actual Oreos.

💥 But you’re not gonna eat them all in one sitting because he’s watching you like a hawk.

💥 “That’s it! I’m hiding the snacks because you ate 6 Oreos in under fifteen minutes!”

💥 “But Bakugo they taste so good~”

💥 Allowed you to eat more because you kept complimenting on how his creations were amazing.

💥 Sometimes stroking the ego gives you privileges.

💥 Y’all watching a movie? It ain’t no chick flick...except Mean Girls or Bring It On!

💥 Only the two with Gabrielle Union and Solange tho.

💥 You had to force him to sit down because he was getting mad at the whole racism and shit.

💥”Did she just call the squad pathetic?! They’re insects, why don’t they squash them!”

💥 “Because unlike you, you can get arrested for hitting someone, Bakugo.”

💥 Gauges your reaction every time, he wants to see your laughs, smiles and anger because he believes you can’t make an ugly face.

💥 He’s just obsessed with you man.

💥 Just don’t incite a pillow fight with him.

💥 You throw a pillow at him he’ll boomerang it right back with force x2.

💥 Your vision will go back and all you’ll hear is a thud on the ground then Bakugo’s ugly ass laugh. And he will not apologise.

💥 However, he’ll rub your sore tailbone as he wraps his arms around your figure, pressing your body to him as close as possible.

💥 The best part of the night is not Bakugo’s overly cuddly nature but the interactions of a spying Mitsuki and her son.

💥 At times she’ll walk in, first using the “Did you forget a blanket?” excuse to the “helping clean up” excuse.

💥 She knocks on the door, about to ask you if you need anything before Bakugo shouts “Shitty woman! She doesn’t want anything from you, go brush your shitty dentures!”

💥”You little shit, I wasn’t talking to you!”

💥 Masaru simply comes into the door frame, under his wife’s arm begging. “Dear, please just come to bed.”

💥 The rest of the night was you and Bakugo just enjoying the movies as he rubbed whatever flesh on your body he could find.

🧊 We’re making this clear; there’s no sleepover at the Todoroki's residency. He gonna be one shady, miserable mf because of everyone interrupting y’all time. From the sweet Fuyumi asking if you’d like some food to Enji busting the door open, inappropriately asking who you are and what are your affiliations with his son.

🧊 At your house the sleepover turns into a mukbang, you have Todoroki trying out every childhood snack and new snacks that are quite popular too. Thanks to you he’s obsessed with ring pops.

🧊 Mukbang + trying out tiktok dances and transitions

🧊 Shoto’s got some rhythm, the rest needs extra hard fine-tuning.

🧊 “No Shoto, do it like this. It’s like crossing your two arms in your face and then reversing it as you hit the middle.” You demonstrated for the umpteenth time doing the woah so you can carry on with the rest of the dance.

🧊 “So like this?” His right arm horizontally aligned, making an actual cross, before they returned back to their original position. You took the biggest inhale to avoid groaning out loud.

🧊 “...We’ll just work with it.”

🧊 (Introduce him to alt tiktok...I’ve said this before just do it please)

🧊 The rest of the night consisted of watching reruns of old Disney shows like That’s So Raven, eating more nostalgic food and ignoring the big burly fire man’s calls.

🧊 Shoto wants to turn off his phone but how could he when he wants to take a bunch of horrible beautiful pictures of you and posts them to Snapchat.

🧊 He’s touch starved so every pic is close up and his hand or leg can be seen draped over apart of your body. Plus, he can’t take a good picture for shit.

🧊 You both catch the Itis and fall asleep with you curled in his chest, leg crossed on his stomach and his hand caressing your thigh.

🧊 He says “I love you” however you were far too sleepy to even register the confession.

🧊 You better say it back in the morning, bitch.

🔮 Party at his house woohoo~.

🔮 Denki will try to crash your sleepover but was tricked by Shinsou to walk his ass back home.

🔮Thus your night begins

🔮 The best host even though he’s embarrassed by the compliment.

🔮 Got a bunch of snacks you like, a couple new movies he bought to watch.

🔮He made a pillow fort 👀.

🔮If you don’t like horror movies then you’ll watch some action.

🔮May even put on Little Rocky Horror Picture Show because he’s into old horror, comedy and musicals.

🔮 He will laugh a little at you if you scream at the little jumpscares.

🔮 Just when the shadow popped up on the screen then disappears, he sees you in the corner of his eye twitch away from the screen. He chuckles at your reaction causing you to face him.

🔮 “You thought that was funny?” He raises a thin eyebrow at your confrontation.

🔮 “No, I thought it was hilarious.”

🔮 “I wished I had your quirk so I could’ve made you dunk your head in the popcorn.” The smirk on his face stretches wider as he wraps in arms around your frame and draws your frame closer to his chest. You could hear heart beating faster than normal.

🔮 “Don’t worry, it scared me a little too.”

🔮He would really like to wind down and be chill so if you allow it, he’ll smoke that banyan. But if you don’t like it, he’ll just take it easy.

🔮 Regardless, if you start a pillow fight, he’s going ham.

🔮 Turns into a fortnight battle and the throw pillows are used as ammunition.

🔮 He wins because HE CHEATED you somehow knocked down your fort and claimed defeat.

�� The night ends with you guys climbing on the roof, admiring the stars and trying to find different constellations and planets.

🔮 His head lays in your lap as you stroke his purple strands. His consciousness losing control by your soft movements, ready to fall asleep on the roof then and there.

🔮 You persuade his sleepy body back inside where he could actually get decent rest in the warmth of your lap.

#bnha bakugo katsuki #bnha bakugo x reader #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugo headcanons #bakugou katsuki #bnha todoroki shouto #bnha todoroki x reader #todoroki x reader #todoroki shoto headcanons #todoroki shoto #bnha shinsou x reader #bnha shinso x reader #bnha shinso hitoshi #shinso x reader #hitoshi shinso headcanons #shinso hitoshi

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rai-jin-andro-jin · 4 years ago

Text

Intimacy: An Aromantic, Queer, Storyteller's Perspective on Raya and Namaari's Relationship in RatLD

Ok, I know people have lots of opinions about Raya and the Last Dragon. (Please go watch it if you're able to, it's fantastic.) I'm not here to step on any toes, nor am I here to deny that Disney has work to do on openly queer representation. But I wanted to give my opinion on the subject because I've already seen some thoughts flying, and I've got my own too.

Note: potential Raya and the Last Dragon spoilers ahead!

Now, I'm here for queer women. (I'm so here for queer women that I'm queer for them.) I love Raya's depth, design, and arc. I love Namaari's depth, design, and arc (and oh my god, her face shape). I love the way the narrative treated these warriors: like warriors! I could talk all day about how this movie is such a brilliant step toward treating women as people on screen.

But I'm here to talk about the queer aspects.

Any queer person watching that movie saw a couple of baby gays. Anyone saw the tension between Raya and Namaari as adults, their distrust for one another, but also their recollection of how close they once were, how close they could have been, how similar they actually are, but they both don't want to admit it for one reason or another. I think that tension is done beautifully.

I also want to take a second to remind everyone that romantic attraction is not necessary to make something queer.

Sure, maybe you could view their interactions as having romantic undertones. I don't think that's necessarily wrong, but I also don't think that the movie needed a romantic subplot to work. The subplot was platonic, even queerplatonic. The subplot was about Raya learning to realize how similar Namaari was to her, in all the uncomfortable ways Raya wasn't ready to admit. Raya wanted to remain focused inward; she wanted to protect her goal from destruction, she wanted to bring her Ba back. And she didn't want to trust anyone again. She didn't feel like she could, and she didn't want to try, especially not with Namaari.

And yet, during their interactions, there is a sense of intimacy. No doubt, over the six (6) years after the gem broke, Raya and Namaari have run into each other on several occasions. It seems like they still know each other well enough to banter mid battle. Raya knows Namaari well enough to be able to easily "push her buttons" and distract her. There is an intimacy here that strays easily into frienemy territory. It has the potential of being romantic. It also has the potential of not being romantic at all.

And, as someone on the aromantic spectrum, I want to reiterate that romantic queerness is not the only queerness. Aromantic affection, queerplatonic affection, allosexual aromantic affection — all of these are valid and real queer identities and queer expressions.

So, while I agree that "Disney is a coward" and that queer people deserve genuine, wholesome, and healthy representation in movies — I also want to emphasize that you can remove romanticism from the equation and still retain the queer narrative (or, what we the audience read as a queer narrative).

(I personally think there is nothing straight about these two characters, but I also respect the possibility that cultural norms and expectations can change how queerness manifests, or what is even considered queer. I'm a white person from the USA; the way I read or express queerness may not be the same as the way someone of Southeast Asian descent would read or express queerness. That topic in itself is worthy of an entirely different mega post. But that is very important to note.)

Furthermore, I want to add that while, again, seeing Disney explicitly tackle a queer relationship on screen would be so amazing, I also don't think this particular narrative had room for it.

Raya and the Last Dragon has a beautiful story filled with strong cultural tradition and Southeast Asian communal values. Love for one's community and family is especially important, as the writers have expressed, and this value was purposely woven into the narrative as a centerpiece.

Disney has a long history of making that centerpiece romantic love. Movies in general, Disney included, have a very long history of using romantic love as an easy subplot. It is such a common thing to do in the industry.

Stepping away from that norm is a breath of fresh air, in my opinion. And I'm not saying that because I'm aromantic and I "hate romance"—I don't, by the way, and I'll show you why.

I have written romance in fiction for a long-ass time. I love writing it. And in my (self-proclaimed) professional opinion, adding romance into Raya and the Last Dragon would have been really forced. I don't think the movie needed it. It would have been narratively unnecessary, and the catharsis we received regarding the mending of Raya and Namaari's relationship was more than enough. Any romance would have been extra, and, more importantly, would have been distracting from the actual main theme of the movie. Remember, the takeaway from this movie is communal trust: building bridges to unite families and communities of people. This narrative values familial and communal love first and foremost. (This is not to say that romantic love can't intersect with familial, communal, and platonic love, but I'm making the distinction here because the story writers intended to make this distinction, too.) Putting communal love first also does not devalue any romantic or queerplatonic love that might exist under that umbrella — but that's just it; communal love is the focus here, and I'm glad the writers made the decision to keep the focus of the narrative grounded and organized. It keeps the story from wandering off in too many directions and becoming confusing. It keeps us from having too many loose ends. And it keeps the runtime from being too long — or worse, it saves the narrative and all it's subplots from feeling cut short.

And here's where I jump into my main gripe. Yes, Raya and Namaari have chemistry. At the very least, when they met as kids, they formed a nice first bond: they had a lot in common, they related to each other on several things, and they had empathy for each other. That's a good foundation for a lot of things: friendship, queerplatonic relationships, romantic relationships, business partnerships... What I'm saying is, they had a good beginning. But it was just one day. And they were kids.

They were both kids who were vulnerable to the opinions and desires of the adults around them.

Namaari was influenced by her mother to betray Raya in order to gain the Dragon Gem (ultimately to give her people the prosperity they lacked). Before coming to Heart, Namaari likely saw Raya and the people of Heart like her mother/chief did: Heart was rich solely because they hoarded the magic of the Dragon Gem, and they would lie and say the Gem didn't give them prosperity only so they could continue to hoard the gem.

Raya was influenced by people in her village too, though we don't explicitly see those influences. When her father mentions that the other lands are on their way to Heart, Raya immediately believes they are coming with evil intent. When her father asks her what she knows about the other lands, Raya lists qualities about each land that portray them in a dangerous light. She views them explicitly as enemies and outsiders, people to fear and distrust in order to maintain her and Heart's safety and prosperity. Namaari included.

When Raya and Namaari meet, there is a lot going on under the surface of their interaction. Certainly, they are both kids; part of them likely has a natural urge to trust and connect with each other, as they eventually did that day! But clearly, especially for Namaari, there still exists a level of distrust and divide. Perhaps because Raya had the influence of her father, who encouraged her to see the other lands as friends rather than enemies, Raya's guard was lower than Namaari's. It's doubtful Namaari had that kind of influence, as her mother consistently displayed distrust for other lands, and focused more on the protection of Fang's people. Namaari clearly experienced quite a bit of internal conflict during the time before her betrayal of Raya, trying to balance her own desires for connection and friendship with her desire to please and protect Fang. Having a connection with Raya at all, especially a deeper connection (rather than a false pretense of connection), was likely not the intention of this subterfuge plan. Connecting with Raya likely felt good, but it also felt like a betrayal of Fang; a betrayal of Fang felt like a death sentence, especially since not obtaining the Gem would mean that Fang (according to Namaari's mother and the people of Fang) would likely perish. Namaari chose to resolve the conflict by returning to what was most familiar and comfortable: distrusting Heart for the good of Fang. For Namaari, it likely didn't dispel the discomfort of knowing that she betrayed a friend, someone who felt so close and genuine, someone who was just as obsessed with dragons as she was (which seems like it was rare for Namaari, and thus valuable). But her choice to betray Raya did, in Namaari's mind, save Fang, a strong value instilled in her from birth.

The betrayal hurts Raya a lot more openly. She sees Namaari firstly as a potential friend, a connection. Raya was taught by her father to value connection with others more than preemptively distrusting them in order to protect herself. This is likely why we see their interactions mostly from Raya's perspective. Namaari's behavior is very conflicted in intention, bouncing back and forth between deception and genuine connection, and trying to balance those two in a way that remains faithful to Fang and herself. Raya, on the other hand, is fully genuine for this interaction, save for maybe a couple moments of brief, minor hesitation. But, that hesitation is short-lived and the desire for friendship ultimately wins over for Raya. She fully trusts Namaari (to the level that she is able to, given that they just met that day), up to the moment the betrayal occurs. She is blindsided, and in response, she also returns to the comfort of her original views (before her father tried to teach her to trust the other lands). This decision to abandon the friendship is not comfortable at all for Raya; it is forced. She must do it to protect not only her land, but ostensibly the world. She is fighting between protecting her "clan" and protecting outsiders. She is struggling to view other lands as part of her clan/community, and Namaari's betrayal only solidifies Raya's eventual choice to mistrust others completely. Once her father dies, so does Raya's trust. To her, (misplaced) trust caused the downfall of the world, and more importantly, the death of her Ba. And to her, that betrayal is embodied and personified by Namaari. Namaari becomes a scapegoat and a punching bag for all that went wrong with the world, and this is a consistent mindset Raya has throughout the movie, until it is openly challenged by Namaari during the climax. Raya is comfortable in an "us versus them" mindset; it rids her of blame and responsibility for her actions, her role in problems. She, like Namaari, chooses to believe that everyone else is to blame for her downfall, while excluding herself entirely from that equation.

It goes without saying that these characters are well-written. Their emotions, motivations, and actions are complex and whole. I could (clearly) write analysis for days about these two. But here's my point.

Romance is only a potential part of their relationship at the start, no more. It is budding at best, and not fully realized or invoked. It is not ever made explicit or agreed upon. And the foundations of trust between these two, for a massive portion of the movie, are severely damaged. Any intimacy they had as children is put on hold, if not destroyed. They only trust each other as far as their blades reach, and as much as they've crossed paths during the six (6) year time-jump (enough to banter, manipulate each other, and predict each other's strategies to a degree), and and no further than that. Where they left off, they still have a connection, even while they don't trust each other with their deepest values. This foundation is clearly not enough for either of them to warrant a more intimate relationship, be it in the shade of romantic, queerplatonic, sexual, sensual, or otherwise. If it was enough, they would have done so already. Their closest intimacy is for the purpose of evading each other's attacks and maneuvers in order to get the upperhand. Their main goals are not each other, even though they both likely desire deeper connection, like they once had as kids. That childhood connection was genuine; no one is arguing otherwise.

But, by the climax of the movie, these two are not in a position of full, deep trust and connection. At the climax of the movie, when the Gem has finally been restored, their relationship is effectively back at the beginning, right where they left off as kids: budding and new, unsure yet hopeful, and with initial chemistry. That may read as potential romance, potential queerplatonics, potential you-name-it. But it is still potential, not active, not existent in the moment. They still have work to do in terms of building a deep relationship. Trust is a first step — one of many, many more steps. They're still working on the friendship and trust by the end — they just reunited as peoples from different lands, and as old ex-friends. They're relearning to see other lands as friends and not enemies, and that includes the way they see each other. They've come a long way, no doubt, and they still have a long way to go before they're remotely deep friends with established trust. They're effectively rebuilding that damaged trust by the end of the movie.

I mean, seriously. Expecting a full on romantic relationship, or even the explicit beginning of one is a massive stretch. Like, did you watch the movie? They have a lot of things to work through and talk about together! I don't care that they worked together and sacrificed themselves to save the world together. That's step one. Step one going well does not equal the kind of deep intimacy seen in romantic, queerplatonic, or deep platonic relationships, especially not the kind of romance that some audience members expressed they wanted to see from the movie. Did we forget that a genuine, hurtful betrayal happened? Did we forget that a betrayal happened very early on in the relationship? That sort of behavior doesn't scream "healthy relationship," and Raya and Namaari's subsequent reactions to said betrayal and following said event don't scream "consent to intimacy." Like, sure, they were both kids when it happened, especially Namaari, who was partially manipulated into that betrayal. But being young doesn't dilute or negate any of the very real trauma and pain felt by either of them, nor does it take away autonomy and responsibility for actions. She may have been manipulated and taught an incomplete view of the world, but Namaari also made that choice to betray Raya herself, no matter how mis- or un-informed she was about the world at the time. She still made a decision that hurt Raya, and in the process a lot of others. That can't be glossed over if we're talking about the formation of genuinely deep bonds. If the movie had made Raya and Namaari explicitly a couple of any kind, I strongly believe that any romantic, queerplatonic, or any other type of intimate social behavior would have made their relationship and conflict-resolution come across as forced, rushed, inauthentic, and unearned. Gestures of romantic intimacy especially tend to imply (in narratives that want to portray a healthy romantic relationship) a sense of depth, bond, and trust that is developed over long periods of time, marked by continuous and explicit efforts toward mutual trust. Raya and Namaari might have cultivated genuine trust for each other, but they lack a history of that trust that would realistically allow for a believable and genuine romantic/queerplatonic relationship at the level of harmony most "romance-lacking" audience-complaints demand. Raya and Namaari are not at that point yet. Rushing them there doesn't make that bond authentic, nor does it create healthy and realistic queer representation, much less healthy romantic/queerplatonic/intimate representation in general. Furthermore, rushing that sort of thing on-screen and portraying it as perfectly healthy perpetuates pre-existing, unrealistic, and unhealthy ideals of romance, human intimacy in general, and amatonormativity. Preliminary trust is not enough to give someone access to you in totality. We shouldn't portray that idea to kids, and this movie is careful not to. Trust is an ongoing process, and teaching kids that intimacy is developed over time and through consistent respect and communication is paramount. I seriously wish this movie had existed when I was a kid. I wish I had learned what this movie teaches. Romance isn't the answer to everything; it's not the highest form of love; and it's not the highest form of queer representation either. The highest form of love is the kind that is genuine and realistic and respectful.

Plus, on the subject of amatonormativity, I want to restress that queerness is not defined by romance. No one is made queer by their queer relationships, or even their visibly queer relationships. No one is suddenly not queer when they're single. Raya and Namaari can still be queer representation without ever having a romantic, sexual, or even queerplatonic relationship. Does Disney still have a record of cisheteronormative-flavored cowardice towards positively portraying explicitly queer people on screen? Absolutely. But I also don't think the answer to cisheteronormative amatonormativity is queer amatonormativity. Queer people are still queer, regardless of their relationship status, and especially regardless of their romantic orientation. Queer people are queer by virtue of existing.

TL;DR:

This should be more than clear: I'm of the strong opinion that both Raya and Namaari are queer. I don't think any of my regular readership will disagree. But forcing a romance (or any sort of deeper, unearned intimacy) onto this particular relationship and narrative only has the capacity to muddy and ruin this valuable and beautiful storyline and it's themes. Such a careless choice perpetuates some very harmful and prejudiced cultural norms regarding love and it's expression, and such a choice runs the risk of directly teaching children to view the world — to view their relationships — in a limiting, destructive, and isolating way.

I wouldn't change any part of the way this movie portrays Raya and Namaari's relationship. Every ounce of their interactions: from their words to their body language, facial expressions to actions, motivations to desires, conflict to resolution — they all make sense and are fully earned in this movie.

Yes, they'd look super cute together. Yes, it would likely be super cathartic for my gay little heart to see them kiss. Yes, they have the chemistry and potential for really meaningful and fulfilling growth and intimacy down the line. That is kind of the entire message of of the movie: potential; growth seen as a process made up of steps, the first being the catalyst towards making that potential a reality.

Raya and Namaari are a queer-coded microcosm for the rest of their world. They are one of many microcosms teaching a lesson about the importance of valuing and developing communal, cross-border trust.

Please stop yelling at Disney to make them kiss. They're together in a way that matters just as much, and they're together in a way that, for once, doesn't make romance the highest and truest form of intimacy. Write your fanfiction, enjoy them as a pairing, write letters to Disney and tell them we deserve explicit and normalized queer representation (because we do). Do what you wish, and do what makes you happy! Enjoy your queer pairings! I encourage you! I implore you!

But please, please, please don't discount the importance, validity, and power of the connection they do have. This connection is no less intimate and no less important than romance, sex, or anything else. They don't need romance to be queer, and they don't need any label at all to be a beautiful, realistic, and healthy portrayal of human relationships, queer or not.

And for the record, they are very, very gay, and nobody, not even Disney, can change my mind.

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watch-talk-fixate · 4 years ago

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The Humility of Family and Being a Hero: A Darkwing Duck and Drake Mallard Analysis.

Special thanks to @stoopakoopa @mighty-ant @drakepad because they inspired me.

Ducktales 2017. A show that a lot of people saw a simple cash grab and the exploitation of nostalgia of 80s and 90s kids alike. But it was a true surprise. A show of adventure and family and exploring yourself in the family name. This show brought so many characters from the golden age of Disney Channel called “The Disney Afternoon Era” with faces from shows like: Gizmoduck, Talespin, Goof Troop and Darkwing Duck.

The whole concept of Darkwing Duck is quite silly really. A parody of Batman, superhero tropes and even James Bond but with a duck in the suburbs of the fictional city of Saint Canard living with his boyfriend sidekick Launchpad and his adopted daughter Gosalyn. As someone who watched the show in reruns back in the day and recently rewatched it on Disney Plus, I didn’t think I would have appreciated this show as much as I thought I would. Dry and witty humor that caught me off guard and it truly doesn’t seem as dated as other shows from those times.

But I’m here to talk about Drake Mallard and what it means to be a superhero and a parent.

(For the sake of the analysis, I will be referring to Drake Mallard from the Ducktales 2017 reboot as “Drake Mallard!17” and the Drake Mallard from the OG Darkwing Duck show as “Drake Mallard!91”.)

Ducktales 2017 for a long time was alluring to bringing Darkwing Duck into the universe of the show. Many fans didn't know how this was possible until a certain episode that was the rise of another superhero and Darkwing Duck’s long time rival: Gizmoduck (now voiced by the guy who wrote a Broadway musical that won many awards-- Bring It On the Musical. I’m kidding. Lin Manuel Miranda). In the episode ‘The BUDDY System’ we are shown what looks like a fight scene between Darkwing Duck and his villains, MegaVolt and QuackerJack. But then it’s abruptly cut when it’s revealed to be a video. An episode. Launchpad explains to Dewey (the blue duck nephew of Donald Duck) that Darkwing Duck is his favorite TV show’ meaning that Darkwing Duck is a TV show in the Ducktales 2017 universe. A show inside a show.

Weird, right?

But what does this have to do with being a superhero and a parent and how family humbles you? Well, in the OG Darkwing Duck show the character of Drake Mallard is shown to be a late-20s to early-40s nobody in his two-parter episode debut-- “Darkly Dawns the Duck”-- who spends his days locked inside an abandoned bridge tower and out fighting small-time crime at night as a purple masked weirdo. And I say this in the kindest way ever but Drake Mallard!91 is an asshole. It’s later revealed in the show that he wanted to be a superhero not because he wanted to protect the people in his city -- that is a parody of Batman’s Gotham -- but because he wanted the praise and attention of being a hero. He’s a hero for a selfish reason.

But how is it possible to have an asshole for a main character that lasted 91 episodes? Drake Mallard!91 has a child. It isn’t his biological daughter really but she is his daughter. In his two-parter episode his first real ‘save’ is the granddaughter of a scientist that was murdered by the mafia and now they are after the granddaughter because she has the code for a machine that they are going to use to rob banks and release mayhem across the world. Darkwing Duck!91 goes to save her and they start to have a bond that makes my daddy issues burst into tears.

Hiding her in his secret hide-out, she isn’t comfortable and Gosalyn needs to sleep so as a way to calm her down he sings her dead grandfather’s lullaby to her. I won’t reveal the rest of the episode or the “plot twist”(?) because I think it’s a cute episode. But here we see that Drake Mallard!91 does have the ability to care about others that isn’t himself or his reputation.

At the end of the episode, he goes out of his way to adopt Gosalyn and officially makes her his daughter. Throughout the series, you see that Drake Mallard!91 bonds with Gosalyn. Taking her to school, talking to her about emotional things, and doing everything in his power to protect her from the harm that comes with him being a superhero. But in one of my favorite episodes “Toys R Czar”, Drake Mallard!91 has come to the conclusion that he can’t both be a hero and great parent after one of Gosalyn’s teachers points out that she has been causing a lot of issues at school. He blames himself for not being a good parent, reading parenting books and following them to the letter. Cleaning, baking cookies and even being the director for a play where he made Gosalyn the star.

He gives up being Darkwing Duck. He gives up the one thing that he worked so hard and was so proud of. Drake Mallard!91 put his ego aside to be a good parent and was ready to throw away his cape and pick up an actual job to raise Gosalyn. He did the toughest thing about being a hero, a figure of salvation: having a family.

I think that the reason that I enjoyed the OG Darkwing Duck a lot despite me being a bitch to the pain character’s ego and pride was that yes, he would probably be a terrible parent but he has Gosalyn and Launchpad to guide him. He has them to ground him and not let his ego overrun him into believing he’s such a big-shot hero because he stops supervillains with only a gas gun, smoke bombs and a purple mask. His family makes him human-- despite him being a duck.

Now moving onto Ducktales 2017. In the episode ‘The BUDDY System’ when Launchpad is telling Dewey about Darkwing Duck being his favorite TV show and growing up on it he mentions an actor’s name: Jim Starling.

Jim Starling plays Darkwing Duck. Remember that.

(Fun Fact: the actor who voices the OG Darkwing Duck/Drake Mallard!91 does the voice of Jim Starling.)

In my favorite and comfort episode “The Duck Knight Rises” we are shown that Jim Starling has suffered the same fate of Bo Jack Horseman: a washed out actor from the 80s/90s that is living on the steam of his former success. Jim is no longer as popular as he was back in the day, making money off of signing autographs and openings of less-than-desirable stores. It isn’t until Dewey mentions the fact that there is a Darkwing Duck Movie ready to release that we see Jim Starling happy and ready to jump back into the role.

The Role of a Hero.

We discover that Scrooge McDuck is the one producing the movie and after watching the trailer both Launchpad and Jim Starling agree that this isn’t faithful to the character. Yet Jim doesn’t really care, he wants to be back into the light and have the attention and adoration of an actor. Of being a hero. How very of Drake Mallard!91 of him.

The director of the Duck Knight Rises movie tells Jim that he isn’t playing Darkwing Duck. A younger actor is. Outraged, he attacks the actor and is kicked out alongside Launchpad. Jim Starling believes that he is owed this role. That this role only belongs to him and no one else in the world. Roping Launchpad into his plan, here we see that Jim Starling never truly let go of his past when he slips on his old Darkwing Duck costume to play hero again.

It is Launchpad that begins to question him when Jim starts to ramble about revenge, Launchpad still looking at his old idol with nostalgia tinted glasses and goes along with the plan.

Here is where the analysis begins to pick up again. When LP sneaks into the actor’s trailer and immediately panics, locking himself, the Actor comes to his rescue. After some light fighting we see that the Actor is a big fan of the Darkwing Duck; possibly bigger than LP himself. LP does have a connection with the show but it seems that he Actor here takes it up more personally. That his whole ideologies and all of his morals came from a silly little show from his childhood and is the reason he is the way he is today. This whole movie is his big shot and a dream come true.

Immediately after this, we see Jim Starling running around and knocking people out. Actually hurting people just to get back into the role he’s clinging on to. Paralleling the Actor’s acceptance of the role and Jim ready to draw blood because he can’t let go.

Finally, we see the Actor and Jim Starling have a “sane” interaction. That it’s a huge honor to be here with him, says the Actor. That he wants to play the role of Darkwing Duck with Jim’s blessing. That they can do this together.

But Jim wants this for his own. All for himself.

After knocking the Actor out, we see a glimpse of how gone he is. How attention thirsty he is and that he will literally stop at nothing to get back on screen.

The whole climatic fight of the episode is the Actor putting on his new Darkwing Duck costume and heading off face first into danger to save people as Jim Starling just snaps. The new confronts the old. With the trademark, goofy Darkwing Duck openings of I am the terror that flaps in the night but more modern.

As they fight, it’s LP that finally gets to Jim with him telling him how much Darkwing Duck means to him and what it means to be a hero like him. As a power beam prop is ready to fall on top of LP, Jim does what a hero is supposed to do. Sacrifice. By pushing his biggest fan out of the way, he completes the role he has been yearning to play.

They don’t find the body. (Yes this is a kids show). But here is where we learn that the Actor’s name is Drake Mallard.

Drake Mallard!17.

Launchpad is the one that convinces Drake Mallard!17 to be the true Darkwing Duck. For Jim.

Jim Starling is what the OG Darkwing Duck was. Egotistical, wanting fame and attention, having all of the qualities that would make anyone doubt that he is truly a hero. The thing is that if Jim Starling only played Darkwing Duck, not Drake Mallard (because in this universe he is a real person), then it means that he didn’t have a Launchpad or a Gosalyn to ground him. Jim Starlings is what happens when a hero is isolated and is only a hero and not a person.

Drake Mallard!17 is a person who becomes a hero while Jim Starling is an actor who pretended to be a hero. Jim was stuck in his own vanity, not having anyone truly reminding him that he isn't’ the roles he plays; that he isn’t Darkwing Duck.

Drake Mallard is Darkwing Duck.

#darkwing duck #ducktales #ducktales 2017 #drake mallard #launchpad #launchpad mcquack #scrooge mcduck #jim starling #gosalyn mallard

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wolfpawn · 4 years ago

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The Nicest Asshole in Hollywood

A story I made up last year but only finished today.

Summary - Tom is known as one of the nicest men to work with and when he finds himself on the set of Loki for Disney+, doing a few scenes with Ben Cumberbatch when his friend speaks with a member of the behind the camera crew who is openly hostile to him. Curious as to why that is, he learns she has a nickname for him, the Nicest Asshole in Hollywood.

NOTE - Swearing. Niamh is pronounced Neev. 10K words.

Tom Hiddleston had a reputation as the nicest guy in Hollywood, in film and the world in general, as of course, he did not simply do Hollywood films, he did shows on the West End, Broadway, etc, he would do anything for the fans, do ComiCons even though he had done all the required ones from his Marvel contract, he was happy to meet the fans and allowed his agent sign him down for more. He knew everyone on every set’s name, from the incredible directors he worked with to the catering staff and errands crew. He personally thanked them all after every production with a bouquet of flowers, or chocolates and a card or something similar that he knew they liked from some passing comment. Film crews were elated to hear when they were working with him, from the camera crew to the costume department. He was always polite and good-natured and the only reason he was ever tardy is because he was being nice to his legions of fans and did not wish to say no to them and when he did arrive, he would be perpetually apologetic with regards to the matter.

Benedict chuckled as Tom relayed a story of how Bobby decided he seemed to require a bath in one of the ponds of Hampstead Heath on their last walk there by the manner in which he circled his lead around Tom’s legs and seemed to be trying to cause him to fall into the water. “No offence Tom, but your dog is not an evil genius.” Ben dismissed.

"No, he's not but there are days I am convinced he's not as innocent as you'd think either," Tom countered. He stretched slightly. "I'm getting old," he groaned as he felt his body creak slightly.

"It's the hours sitting around in make-up and costume that's the hardest part, I think." Ben rubbed his Dr Strange goatee before getting to his feet. "I can't believe they dragged me here for this."

“We work too well together,” Tom sighed. “We’re our own worst enemies.” “Yes, I...Well, hello, Stranger.” Ben got out of the chair and embraced a woman who had walks towards them smiling brightly at him. He kissed her cheek as she stepped back. “How are you? I have not seen you in some time.”

“Not since Hal was about to turn two, I think. I’m great, How are you? How is everyone?” She looked directly at Ben as she spoke.

“Good, they’re great. Wow, has it been that long? No, we’re great. Sophie will be elated to hear I saw you. She told me you emailed her last week. We were wondering where in the world you were these days.” “Well, Kate asked me for some help on this and who am I to say no to her?” She smiled. “No, I am starting to get a few new jobs around these parts so I jumped at the chance to get into the MCU again.” “Right, yeah, you helped with the first few movies didn’t you?” “Back before this juggernaut came about. In ye olde days of Paramount doing them. God, if I’d have known this when Favreau asked me onto the first Iron Man set that it would turn into this...it’s insane.”

“You did a few of the first ones, didn’t you?” “Everything up to and including Avengers Assemble, then they went for bigger names when Disney bought in and left little old me to go do my own thing elsewhere,” She confirmed.

“So you know Tom, then?” Ben turned slightly looking to Tom who seemed to realise where he must have recognised the woman from, though he would have thought he would recall her better if she was something to do with directors and they had, at the very least, worked together on two projects with Thor and Avengers. He stood forward slightly to say hello to her but stopped when she looked at him, or more actually, the way she barely even glanced at him.

“Yes, sure I was on War Horse too, you twat, or did you forget that?” She laughed at Ben.

Ben winced. “Fuck, you did. How did I forget that?” “You’re getting senile, what are you now, nearly fifty?” “Fuck off.” He growled. “How dare you? What about you, hit thirty yet?” “Sadly thirty and I met and parted ways a long time ago. I guess I had to grow up and act like an adult at some stage.” Her face was stoic and her eyes flickered to Tom for a moment again before turning to Ben and smiling again. “Well, I best leave you both to get ready for work. It’s great to see you again Ben, hopefully, we’ll have a chance to catch up before you are dashing off again somewhere else for whatever great new thing you do next is.” Her face became more neutral before looking at Tom and giving a slight nod before walking off again.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Ben turned to Tom. “What was that about?” “What?”

“The look she gave you.”

“You’re asking the wrong person there. Why are you asking me as though I’ve done something wrong?” “No one who has worked with Niamh that is in any way nice has ever had a bad word with her, the only ones that she is cold to are the assholes, so why is she cold with you?” “I have no idea. I didn’t even remember her until you mentioned she worked on War Horse with us. Who is she?” “Niamh Murphy, Irish, obviously. She is the ultimate in producers. She can juggle anything, blockbusters, Indie movies, anything. She knows her shit. A director wants something, she has it sorted in nanoseconds, she is literally the best I have ever seen and going by the way you’re looking now, you know the name as well.” “I’ve worked on several movies with her but she never seems to be on set. I only get given scripts and such by her assistants.” Tom recalled seeing her in passing a lot but she rarely seemed to be around.

“I...Niamh is incredibly hands-on. I mean, Spielberg always tries to have her on his work. She was on 1917, she never missed a single day. Same with Imitation Game. She is great. I remember when I was on Atonement, she was the one to help me deal with the scenes where I had to be creepy with Juno Temple. She is great.” Tom frowned slightly. “I don’t know…” “Now I’m curious. Did you shag her once?” “Considering I didn’t even know her name, what do you think?” Tom scanned his memory for the limited times he met her. He recalled sending the thank you card and a small box of chocolates to her assistant on every production he did with her, which albeit did not seem as many as Benedict but he always made sure to think of her, even if he could not tell what she looked like. “I don’t think we even ever shared a conversation.”

“That’s peculiar, I thought you would have gotten on with her, she is a very amiable person. Light-hearted and well-read. I genuinely thought you two would be good friends.”

Ben’s bewildered frown caused Tom to see that this was the honest truth. “I don’t know.” Tom wondered about what he had done.

* “Is that everything, Kate?” Niamh walked over to Herron, handing her the permits she had secured for the use of the town the next week.

“Yes, I...where are you going?” “I have to sort the scripts reprint, there was an issue with Wilson’s, three pages were missing.”

“Just so you know, I am never letting you leave.” Herron declared.

“You know me, I won’t until the last roll of film is packed off to the studio.” Niamh walked around the corner laughing before accidentally colliding with someone. “Shite, I’m sorry.” She pulled back to see who she had crashed into. Her apologetic face became neutral once more on realising who it was. “Sorry.” She sidestepped and made to walk off.

“No, apologies, I…” Tom watched as she did not even look back and walked off without so much as another word, making him wonder what her problem with him was.

* Tom studied the manner in which Niamh Murphy reacted with those on set. It was clear she was well-liked. Everyone she interacted with smiled brightly. Ben was only around for a few days but the interactions he saw between them indicated to a true friendship. Wilson and she rarely spoke, but when they did, it was with smiles and laughter. He watched as she interacted with Kate Herron and again, the pair seemed to get on incredibly well, yet she rarely found her way into his company. A script with the added pages that were missing from a previous copy was handed to him by a set hand yet he watched as she gave Gugu, Wilson and everyone else theirs. He felt equal parts offended and genuinely hurt that he did not seem to even be considered to speak with by her. He wondered if he should mention something to Feige on his next visit to the set but knew better than to do so, there was no chance of getting to the bottom of it if he did. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding on her behalf. He did not wish to risk a woman’s career on something so simple so he decided to see if he could catch her for a moment sometime and see if there was something that needed to be aired. He could think of nothing, he genuinely rarely recalled seeing her. He knew her name but not the face as they never really interacted so he could not think of any such even. She was pretty, not what many would accuse of being a supermodel but she was not ugly by any means. He tried to recall if he drunkenly made a fool of himself in her presence or attempted to come onto her, a recollection of either scenario did not come to the front of his mind.

* His first two attempts failed miserably. She seemed to have an extra sense that seemed to know when he was around and would swiftly scarper on the sight of him in some other direction or if they were on set, she would find herself quickly in need of discussing something of some manner of importance with someone to prevent him from being able to speak with her.

Finally, he decided to grasp an opportunity while she and Ben were saying their goodbyes to one another. Tom walked over purposely before Niamh could realise he was there. When she ceased speaking to Ben for a moment, he smiled politely at the pair. “Ben, I know you need to speak with Ms Murphy, but I was wondering if I may have a moment of her time?” He gave his friend a pleading look.

Ben, knowing Tom’s attempts to get to the bottom of the Irishwoman’s lack of time for him, nodded slightly. “I’ll…” “That’s alright, Ben. You don’t have to go anywhere. I cannot think of anything Mr Hiddleston has to say that cannot be said in front of you.” She looked at Tom challengingly.

“I would rather…” He decided that it did not matter. “Very well, I must ask, Ms Murphy, have I done something in our time on set here to offend you in some manner?” Her face was unreadable for a moment before she answered. “On this set, no, nothing.” Tom studied her words. “And on previous sets on which we have shared employment?” She did not answer which in itself was her answer. “Can I ask as to what I did to cause you to do everything in your power to not have anything to do with me?” She seemed to contemplate saying something as she chewed on her cheeks. “Please. I only wish to right a wrong if there is one. I cannot recall such an occurrence but since it clearly had a lasting impression on you, I rather just understand how best to rectify it.” “And were I to not wish for any such rectifications?”

“Please, I just want to know what it is that caused this animosity towards me, surely if you are to actively avoid me, I should know as to why?” Tom felt himself get slightly annoyed by her dismissiveness. The look she gave him made him see that she genuinely disliked him. Part of him hoped it was she had some form of crush or something on him and was keeping her distance as a result but such thoughts died a swift and brutal death on seeing how she looked at him.

“Of course, you would not even remember. I need to ask, Mr Hiddleston, do you recall working on Thor with me, do you remember me being on set? Do you recall that I was there the day you came in for the Thor audition before Ken suggested instead that you try for Loki?”

He frowned and tried to recall those that were in the room, the casting director, Kenneth Brannagh, and two of the screenplay writers, Ashley Miller and Don Payne. There may have been more but he could not recall them odd the top of his head. He shook his head slightly.

“I recall you, though. I remember saying to Ken that you’d be a terrible Thor but you could be dangerous as Loki. You’d give the character sympathy from the audience. To this day, Ken reminds me how right I was.”

Tom did not know what to say to that. Her clear pride in her prediction was blatant.

“Then came time to actually film it, you and Hemsworth, no one knew who either of you were, not unless they watched Home and Away or that show you did with Ken, the name eludes me now. I came to you to give you your schedule, not usually the duty of a producer, I know, but I stated I was heading to the costume department, which was quite close to your trailer and Ken asked me to do so. I was too new to the career to decline such an easy request and Ken is a lovely man, why would I decline such a reasonable one? I get close to your trailer and hear you talking through an open window of it and am elated to know I won't be waking you from a nap or anything only to hear you speaking to Megan, one of the makeup girls. Only I was accidentally made privy to a little conversation between yourself and Ms Reynolds, more accurately, your combined thoughts of those you found yourself working with for the production.”

Tom swallowed slightly, he could not recall the conversation itself but he recalled the very pretty make-up artist he had slept with early in production, something he regretted later. He did it because he had broken up with his long-term girlfriend not long before and was feeling a little lonely over in the US by himself and she was beautiful and fun. He worried about what was to come, he glanced slightly to the side to see Ben looking at him very curiously to see if he knew what was to come next. To his shame and worry, Tom didn’t.

“So Hemsworth got a pass, Hopkins, Russo, Portman, all lovely things. Ken got a glowing review, as did the writers, then you came to, and I quote ‘That girl who looked like one of your little sister’s stupid colourful ponies from when she was a kid’.”

Tom bit his lips together. That was why he did not recognise her as well as he should have from Thor. When she did Thor, she had bright-coloured hair, pink with purple and blue. Most of the set thought it odd. Such hair was common now but she did it before such was popular but he remembered saying it now, he remembered his bed partner laughing as she had made the initial comment on Niamh but he had added to it. Looking at the face of the woman he had so rudely ridiculed now, he could see she had clearly been hurt for a time before she turned such hurt to utter indifference of him. “I…” He looked at Ben who seemed both shocked Tom would say such a thing and slightly angered that he had. He could not think of something to say bar the obvious. “I can only apologise, wholeheartedly. I’m sorry.”

Niamh said nothing in return.

“Niamh,” Ben interjected. “It was years ago, please don’t allow one stupid remark taint working with him. He’s not usually that much of a twat, I can assure you.” “I didn’t. After all, when Steven mentioned what he wanted for Captain Nichols, who do you think recommended one of the most talented emotionally expressive actors they had worked with for the job once I saw the name on the list of potentials? I pleaded with him to listen.”

Both Tom and Ben did not know what to say to that. Working with Spielberg was something Tom had only dreamed of, doing so when he had only been working in Hollywood for a mere moment seemed surreal yet he had and it remained a defining moment in his life. To think the woman he had insulted so horribly had fought for him to get the roles. He could not even force himself to speak.

“Tom is a great gentleman, Niamh, I know you have been exposed to something to the contrary, but he is.” Ben gave Tom a slight glare as he spoke but beseeched Niamh to consider not being so focused on the past.

“Yes, hence my nickname for him.” Niamh gave a false smile.

“Nickname?” Ben knew her cutting wit, he feared what was to come.

“Yes,” She turned to look at Tom, who was considerably taller than her in the eye. “The Nicest Asshole in Hollywood.” With that, she turned and walked away. “And stop giving me cards and chocolate when we work together, don’t waste your money.” She called behind her as she walked off.

Tom and Ben remained in silence for several moments before Ben turned and looked at a suitably embarrassed Tom. “Well, there’s your answer.”

Tom looked at his hands. “I just...I never knew…” “It was unfortunate for you that when you were ridiculing someone, she just so happened to arrive.” Ben was forced to admit it was terrible timing. “I didn’t put you down as someone to bitch people.” “I don’t, you know me.” “I do and the guy I know wouldn’t ridicule a woman in her early twenties for having some fun by colouring her hair, yet you did that. I can’t imagine how hurtful that was, then to add insult to injury, you gave her cards and chocolate after saying those things, acting like it wasn’t a big deal all while she recommended you to Speilberg and in turn, began our friendship even though she was insulted so deeply by it.” Ben shook his head. “You never even remembered saying it.”

“I didn’t recognise her.” Tom tried to justify himself. “Her hair was short and rainbow-coloured before.” “She dyed it back to normal about six years ago if my memory serves me correctly. That doesn’t excuse you saying it though.”

“I need to make this right.” Tom paced back and forth for a moment.

Ben eyed him warily. “How do you mean ‘make it right’? Tom, I love Niamh, she is a wonderful person and a true friend, but she is the most incredibly stubborn person I have ever met. If she doesn’t want to know you, then you are not going to change that, especially with her reaction just there, I don’t see her warming up to you any time soon.”

Tom’s head fell slightly. “I have to do something.”

Ben said nothing more but slapped Tom’s shoulder before walking off.

“I have the permit right here.” Niamh pulled out the required piece of paper and looked it over. “Yes, it has the times specifically on it and states we can shoot at that hour, stamped and everything.” She turned slightly to see a shadow beside her, when she noticed who it was she gave a polite smile. “Yes, I will fax that over as soon as I can so you have a paper copy but I will email it to you this second as well so we are all set. Great, thanks, bye.” She took the phone from her ear. “One second, Ben. I just need to sort this, then I am all yours.” “Don’t let Sophie hear you say that.” He joked causing Niamh to laugh slightly. When she sent the email she wished to send, she looked at him to show he had her undivided attention. “This is a great script, but is it the one I was supposed to get because it matches no one else’s? Is this like the movies where we all don’t know what anyone else is doing?” “Shit, let me see.” She scanned the details on the second page. “No, this was actually the original plan for the episode but it was changed because, as much fun as it is, it makes about as much sense as an elephant on a unicycle.” Ben chuckled at her analogy. “This has been missing and an aide is at risk of losing their job because of it so it is great to have it back and for it to have been with you so we know none of the details will get out.”

“The secret is safe with me.”

“Your lines were one of the few things not changed, so if you’ve learnt them, great, if not, I will deliver your actual script to you myself in half an hour. I just need to find the Gaffer and threaten his life first because he is giving lip about doing his actual bloody job.”

“No better woman.” Ben paused for a moment. “Niamh?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She didn’t look at him as she spoke.

“I’m sorry, for what he said.” “You don’t have to apologise for other people’s words, Ben. When we met, you joked about my hair to my face, with a playful smile and no malice. You know I don’t care about other people’s opinions, I never cared if anyone else liked my hair or not, it was the two-facedness of it I had an issue with. Lovely to my face before, saying that and polite smiles and cards after. No, you know me, I am completely okay with people not liking me. I respect honesty.” Ben conceded it was true. He had heard her talking to Sophie before about a director that she worked with that was professional with her at work but made no effort to pretend they were amicable outside of it and she was entirely happy with that, she knew where she stood and was alright with it. “It’s not like him.” “It doesn’t matter. I will murder the Gaffer, hide the body and have that script to you in the half-hour, alright? Excuse me, and if you’re talking to your wife, tell her I will post them to her tomorrow, she knows what I am on about.” “Stop buying our sons everything you see, you’ll be broke and we’ll need a bigger house,” Ben pleaded.

“Never.” She laughed before walking off.

Ben could only shake his head.

* “Coming.” Niamh rushed to the door and opened it before even looking to see who was on the other side, when she saw who it was, her light smile became cold. “Mr Hiddleston, is there an issue that cannot wait until set tomorrow?” Her voice was professional but very much making it clear she was not overly interested in speaking with him.

“I just wished to ask you something on the third page of my script…” Niamh stepped to the side to allow him to enter. Tom did so, noticing that, unlike his big suite, she was in a normal small room which startled him. The small table and chair by the window were covered in all sorts of paperwork as well as binders and folders and paper trays filled with different sheets and booklets and the small desk area that held the tv and tea and coffee supplies was set up like a desk with a laptop, a tablet and a printer, along with further paperwork. “Excuse the mess. I apologise, the man on scripts is new to the scene so he is still finding his feet. It has led to more than a few errors. What seems to be the issue?”

Tom was startled by her professionalism even with the new knowledge that she was anything but fond of him. “There is a significant portion missing. I go from being confronted to being in handcuffs without any form of explanation or even a scene cut.” He pulled out the script. “I apologise for bothering you but Karen is dealing with another matter and asked that I come to you.” “It’s fine, it’s my job.” She took the script from him and scanned through it. “Yes, this is indeed missing an essential part of the scene, I can only apologise for that.” “So this isn’t the only script with issues?” Tom took the small moment to speak with her.

“I wish. No, we are just having a few speedbumps with him being so fresh. I am not sure how he is doing this so early but he isn’t a bad guy, just inexperienced.” “Weren’t we all at the beginning?” Niamh paused and looked up, noting the smile on his face, it was polite and friendly. “Indeed.” She found another copy of the script for the entire episode and scanned through a few pieces to see if they were all there. “That should be correct. I can only apologise to you, Mr Hiddleston for the cock-up.” She extended her hand with the script in towards him.

“It’s fine, you don’t have to apologise, it’s not even your job. You’re just the one cleaning up all the messes.”

“Well, that is the role of the Producer.”

“I don’t know how you do it. We learnt behind the camera roles in college but seeing what you do...I could not do it.” “Perhaps it is fortunate, then, that they fall to my lot instead of yours.”

Tom paused for a moment as he thought of where he knew that phrase from. “That’s...Pride and Prejudice, isn’t it?”

Niamh’s brows rose, impressed at him for getting it right. “You are correct.”

Tom’s chest puffed out slightly in pride at being correct. He saw at that moment what Ben had been saying when he said that he would enjoy Niamh’s company, she was an intelligent and able woman, someone he could genuinely enjoy the company of.

Niamh watched Tom’s reactions carefully, something she had done after hearing his mocking words about her years before on the set. He had been so polite which angered her all the more. Even now, after being told why she was not overly fond of him, he was being sickeningly polite. “If that is everything…” She half regretted saying it the moment she saw his face alter slightly.

“Ms Murphy, I feel I need to apologise…” “I honestly do not wish to hear it. You apologised already.” “And you do not accept it?” “I’m not obliged to. I accept it, I simply do not wish to be overly friendly with you, Mr Hiddleston. We have very different ideas as to how to interact with people. I have no time for two-faced people, never have.” “But you recommended me…” “My personal thoughts on you do not take from your abilities as an actor. You were ideal for the role.” “Thank you. I...With everything that happened, you may not realise it but you caused me to fulfil a life’s dream to work with Spielberg.” “Steven is an incredible man. I can’t imagine that many would not wish to work with him.”

“I’m sorry,” Tom repeated.

“I honestly don’t know if you realise how much you apologise.” It had been something she realised he was prone to doing.

“I think it more warranted now than ever. I sincerely apologise for saying such horrible things about you. I know you don’t believe me, but I never should have said them and my reasoning for such makes it all the worse.”

That caused Niamh to frown. “I know I am going to regret asking, but why did you refer to it like that?”

“I was never the most attractive person.” Niamh’s brow rose. “No, I am serious, I only had two girlfriends in my life before I became famous, well, even fewer now but I was never overly popular with them. I broke up with my only ever serious girlfriend before Thor because our lives went on different paths and I did not wish to hurt her. It was clear after Wallander, she did not want to wait around, you know?” Niamh found herself nodding, wonder if he would ever get to the point. “Then suddenly, women were interested in me, very beautiful women, and I thought I should entertain their thoughts so they would remain so, even when they were unfounded and wrong.”

“Wow, so you had no issues with my rainbow, or as it’s called now, my ‘My Little Pony’ hair, but said you did because you wanted a good ride?” Tom nodded ashamedly. “You’re an even bigger asshole than I thought.” She walked over to the door. “What makes this worse is I actually liked working with you before that. Ken spoke so highly of you, I looked forward to it. Having to politely smile as Ben spoke of you with nothing but the highest of praise, knowing you were an ass behind it, now to know it was only so you could get some cow into bed that I know from hearing it with my own ears that Ms Reynolds thought little of you too, only the size of your dick preceded you and her curiosity got the better of her. You’ll be glad to know she seemed satisfied with your size.” She put her hand on the handle of the door. “If there is nothing more.”

“I’m sorry.” Tom walked forward. “So you said.”

“But for the added insult also.” “Well, I always wondered why. I wished to find out why me but as they say, be careful what you wish for,” She opened the door slightly. “But I appreciate your honesty, even if it is ten years after.”

Tom felt worse. “I’m so sorry. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“Can I ask why this matters to you now? In ten years, you never cared, why now?” “Something Ben said, about how he always thought we would have got along well.” “He said that over the years to me also but such is life. I doubt you will lose too much sleep over it.” “Well, it made me realise something, how I lost out on something great.” “I am not an easy lay, sadly. Unlike Reynolds, I tend to choose my partners with some manner of standard, she simply goes for everyone.” “It is not that I wished to sleep with you.” “Then what about me could ever have possibly interested you?” “Your friendship. Ben swore you were a true friend and I truly feel like I messed up my chance to have one in you.” He walked towards the door before looking at her. “I honestly feel terrible for what I said and for their effect on you. I should never have said them. I apologise for my insulting you further with my gifts of thanks when I had been so callous so unjustly. I am sorry.” He swallowed hard. “I wish I had been a better man and not been so stupid, I let my crotch dictate over my mind and I hurt you and ruined my chance to make a true friend and for that, I don’t think I will ever stop apologising.” He toyed with the script in his hand and walked closer to the door. “I am sorry for taking up so much of your evening.”

“It’s fine.”

Something came to Tom at that moment as he went to walk past her. “I don’t recall see you at Ben and Sophie’s wedding.”

“Perhaps you were not looking well enough. I was there. We actually were staying in the same hotel. But then again, I am good at blending into the background.” She opened the door. “Good evening, Mr Hiddleston.” “Good evening, Ms Murphy.” * “Mr Cumberbatch, I come bearing gifts.” Ben turned and chuckled on seeing Niamh holding a takeaway coffee tray in her hands. “One oat milk latte, ethically sourced, no cow, children or ants harmed in the making of this coffee. Only the environment from shipping it from South America to our pathetic asses here.”

“Thank you. And what about your drink? I would wager you negated all my good work with that. Is that cow’s milk I smell?” “Full-fat cow’s milk.” Ben’s nose scrunched at the thought. “Hey, I don’t shit on your diet, you have no right comment on mine.” “You mock mine all the time or are you forgetting the time you actually paid money to have a bag of rabbit food made and my portion requirements printed onto the damn thing?” Niamh snorted at the memory. “That was brilliant. I am so glad I was able to finally use those stupid maths from school and put them to some use.” “How did you get my weight?” “Your lovely wife.”

“Was she in on it?” Ben asked, remembering Sophie’s reaction to the bag he showed her.

“Hell, no. She’d never have been able to keep it quiet.” Niamh laughed for a moment before noting someone close by. “Mr Hiddleston.” She saluted politely. “I am not aware of your coffee preferences, so I hope you don’t mind if I only got you a plain black coffee.”

Tom frowned, unsure if it was some sort of joke but seeing her extend her hand with the beverage in it, he took it. “Thank you so much. I take a little almond milk usually.” “Oh God, don’t tell me you’re a vegan as well. Has he forced you to?” She indicated to Ben. “Blink twice for yes. I know he’s a pain for that.” “No, thankfully he sees me as half trying.” Tom chuckled, noting Ben’s frown at the two of them.

“I don’t even try. My mother is okay with a lot. My lack of partners has even had her sit me down and ask if I am and I quote “more interested in women” and how that would be fine but if I went home to my beef and dairy farming father and said I was a vegan, I would be disowned.”

“I really don’t know if you’re kidding when you say that,” Ben commented, drinking some of his drink.

“No, I’m serious, even vegetarianism would not be overly welcomed. I wouldn’t do it anyway, dinner is not dinner if it doesn’t have some form of meat on the plate in my opinion.” “My father says the exact same thing. One of my sisters is vegetarian,” Tom didn’t know why but speaking to her seemed so easy. Usually, his guard was up when speaking to new people at first but she seemed so honest.

“Smart man.” Niamh didn’t even look at him before taking her own coffee and throwing the cup holder in the recycling bin. “I better go and pray to some ancient God that no one is looking for me to perform miracles today. I mean, I am probably more likely to find gold or the secrets of the universe, but I can dream, right? See everyone later and if you have a script issue, I don’t actually care anymore, ad-lib it. You know the general gist of the scene at this stage, just wing it. Just don’t come to me about it.” “Was the coffee merely to tell us that?” Ben laughed. “Yes, yes it was. In the kindest way possible.”

Ben chuckled again. “Tom wouldn’t say no to my drink next time, just so you know.” “I’ll keep that in mind,” Niamh called back.

“You’ll need to start a tab though,” Ben warned.

“I’ll just add it to yours. I think you owe me circa two hundred thousand at this stage.”

Ben scoffed as she left. “I think that to be a conservative estimate.” He turned to Tom. “Right, explain.” “What?” “Don’t ‘what’ me. Why is the woman who as she likes to put it ‘Wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire’, getting you coffee?” “I honestly have no idea. I had a script issue, a genuine one and I was told by Herron to go to her about it, so very coyly, I did. There was some talking, mostly me apologising and her indicating that she was not interested and then I left.” “What exactly did you apologise for?” Ben asked.

“I said that I regretted my actions, how I should never have been so shallow and that I wish I had not cost myself the opportunity of such a good friend. That you never stopped singing her praises, how she is a true friend and I messed up the chance of such, for no good reason and that was a pity.” Tom regaled him. “She seemed more annoyed than anything at my explanation.

Ben did not know what to say. “It appears to have meant something to her if she actually acknowledges your existence now. Look, Niamh likes honesty, no BS. She’ll be entirely honest with you. She has a saying she picked up somewhere. ‘I can be honest or I can save your feelings, I can’t always do both’ and she means it and not maliciously. Sophie always feels her opinion means a lot because it’s never out of wanting to hurt you or placate you but actually being honest with you. You don’t get that much on our lives. It’s refreshing, really.”

Tom nodded. Through most of the worst decisions he made, people around him had mostly remained silent. When said bad decisions erupted or fell apart, they then made comments about how they knew such would happen or they had seen it coming but yet had said nothing to him. When asked why they had not said anything, they mostly said that they were his mistakes to make or that they didn’t see it as their place even when more than once, he had specifically asked for their opinions. He wanted a friend like Niamh, who would tell you to your face that she loved you deeply, cared for you and would be there for you as a friend but that what you were doing was fucking stupid. More than once he had heard of her saying that to Ben or Sophie and was envious, he hoped the day would come he could have such words with her too.

“Ms Murphy.” Niamh was visibly wincing as she turned to face him. “If I could have a moment of your time, please.”

“Is it about the script, because I honestly was not joking earlier when I said to start ad-libbing.”

Tom chuckled. “I gathered such, and no, it’s not about the script.” She sighed in relief. “Then how can I assist you?” “It’s about my dog.” She looked at him curiously. “I am needed to film on the next location soon, as you, of course, know since you booked it but I don’t want to leave him behind here in a strange kennels in a strange country for a fortnight, it’s not fair on him but according to some of the staff, he is not insured to be on the next location and I was told that if anyone could sort that...” “Okay, get his details for me, age, breed, name and I will have him added but I am going to have to warn you, if you’re easily offended, you’re not going to like that he comes under the same category of property as your laptop and phone and such and I know he’s a living breathing thing and family and all but he is legally classed as property. Also, you will have to sign a form stating that should he become harmed on site, it is your responsibility as a dog is the responsibility of the owner, so he has to be in your control at all times and if he bites, you are entirely liable, not the studio. Understood?” “Perfectly. He’s a great dog, you won’t have to worry. Thank you so much.” “It’s fine, email me the details. “ She handed him her business card. “And I will have that sorted immediately. I will print the form there now, in a minute.”

“Thank…’now, in a minute’...that makes...that doesn’t make any sense.” Tom frowned at the words she had used.

“Nope, not to your lot but in Ireland, it’s a completely acceptable sentence. Welcome to your first class in Hiberno-English.” She shrugged before making a note of what Tom needed.

“Hiberno?” “Comes from the Latin, Hibernia, meaning…” “Winter, well, hibernus, hiberna, hibernum, pending gender of it.” She raised a brow. “I studied Latin in college, sorry. So what is winter-English?” “I studied it in secondary.” She shrugged. “And yes, they mean winter, but Hibernia is the Latin for Ireland so Hiberno-English is a subsection of Irish specific English language.” She explained.

Tom, having never known that, decided to check if that was true or if she was pulling his leg as soon as he was alone. “I didn’t know that.” “They don’t teach you everything in your fancy posh English colleges, in fact, they teach you nothing when it comes to Ireland, hence the blissful ignorance of most British people to your close neighbour.”

“I cannot argue that, my knowledge comes from my brother-in-law who was born there but moved to Britain when he was young and the one time I was there for filming a movie, High-Rise.” “J. G. Ballard’s book, right?” “Yes.”

“I read that, very...obscure.” “Definitely, but fun to film.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it.” She received an email on her phone. “I won’t take up any more of your time, Mr Hiddleston. I will have that matter dealt with immediately so to ensure your furry friend is allowed to join you and I will again reiterate, don’t bother me with scripts. I am at risk of going sniper in a belltower at this stage from it all.” She joked.

“I will run and hide. And thank you for sorting Bobby, and for the coffee earlier.”

“It’s my job so don’t worry about it.”

Tom found that slowly, Niamh was not avoiding him as noticeably. Her assistant handed him the form for Bobby and when he had signed it, told him that if he had any concerns, that Niamh would deal with them directly. A definite step in the direction he had wanted. Slowly, the small talk started, then some joking. Her initial hesitation decreasing and her smiles and playful looks increased.

When it came time to go to the new location a month later, the jeeps were being packed and he was surprised to go to the one he was meant to be brought in only to see the Irishwoman in the driving seat. “Hello.” “How are things?” “Good, thank you.” Tom opened the back door and told Bobby to get in before using the harness he was wearing to clip him into the centre seat. “Is it okay if I go in the front or would you rather I sit here with him?” “Are we the only two for this car?” “I think so. I think Natalia was meant to come too but she hates dogs so she is going with Kate instead.” “As long as he is okay in the back by himself, I can’t see why you can’t.” Tom ensured Bobby was secured and then went to the front seat, securing his own seatbelt as he did. “He is used to being in the front seat next to me but he’ll be fine. Thank you again for securing his coming with me.”

“Sure, it’s not fair on him to be shoved into kennels.” She looked back at the dog who seemed to be incredibly eager to get on the road. “He’s cute. Bobby, wasn’t it?” “That’s him and he’s great.” Tom beamed brightly. “Aren’t you, Boy?”

Bobby sneezed and continued to sit with his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth immediately after as his response.

“I think someone needs some air conditioning. It is sort of hot here for four-legged passengers.” Niamh started the car and turned on the air. “Fix it according to his needs, it’s only fair.” “Thank you.”

“Any time.” * The journey to the next location was a good five hours long, made longer by Niamh getting out of the car every hour or so to stretch her legs and to allow Bobby a few moments to relieve himself.

“He can hold it a little longer between stops.” Tom offered. “It’s not nice for him. He needs a drink and some stretching. I wouldn’t do it with my own.” “You have a dog?” “Yeah, he’s with my parents on the farm while I’m here. Long-haired German Shep. Too used to his temperate Irish climate for this hellish climate. He likes to lie on frozen grass, not scorching heat so I thought it would be cruel to bring him over.” “Do you miss him?” “More than I could ever miss a person.”

Tom smiled at how she spoke. It was the same for him with Bobby. When he had a few days of work that he could not bring him on, he only cared about that first moment they were back together again, Bobby excited to see him and that rub and kiss to the top of his head. “I understand that. They’re honest. They like you or hate you. No…” He stopped and realised the irony of his words.

“Don’t you dare apologise again or I swear, I will leave you at this rest stop,” Niamh growled. “I couldn’t be listening to you. I get it, you’re sorry.”

“I am.” She glared at him. “I didn’t say it.” “Say what?” she challenged.

“I am not falling for that.” Seeing the playful grin on her face as a result, he chuckled. “Ben was right about you.” “Ben tends to be right about a lot of things, other than food choices.”

Tom laughed. “I am not disagreeing.”

They got Bobby sorted back in the car and started their journey again.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Tom enjoyed comfortable silences. He did not need to fill every minute with chat and noise for the sake of it but he did want to learn more about Niamh. They had worked together more times than he had realised. She had gone out of her way to actually push his name forward for more than one role and now that she was not giving him hate-glares, she seemed genuinely very interesting.

“That sounds incredibly dubious.” “It’s about your career, not your intimate personal life, I promise.”

She glanced at him for a moment. “Most people would assume my answer to have meant ‘go ahead, ask about my intimate relations with others’ or something to that effect rather than reassure me it is not as worrisome.” “I pride myself in not assuming the meaning of a non-straightforward answer.”

“Well, so long as it is not about my very personal parts of my personal life, you may.”

“How did you manage to get into producing and get so far so young?” “You mean how did I get to achieve what I did before being ancient with no actual links to Hollywood?” Tom nodded. “I actually do. My godfather.” Tom frowned. “My mam’s big brother is a Dublin man by the name of Brendan Gleeson, you may know him.”

“Ah, yes, I know of him. Large red-haired fellow. His son is in a lot of movies too.” “Yes. I got into a film school back home, studied what I needed to, then was very fortunate to have worked with Uncle Brendan and Domhnall when they did a few bits and was able to learn what I needed to learn on the job and was very lucky that a low budget movie wanted someone with a bit of cop on and a small price tag, I was recommended and it snowballed. I was very lucky. Right place at the right time to get my name in the hat and the fact I actually get shit done means I got great names liking me and boom, here I am, no dodgy black leather casting couch moments, thank God.”

Tom’s eyes widened at the reference she made.

“Yes, I know that may seem crass but I know how many people are forced to do such things just to get their name in the door and I was so lucky that Brendan promised my mam he would look out for me. It’s not always the nicest industry.” “Sadly not.” Tom acknowledged. “I know for women especially, there’s a far shadier side of the industry.” “Now, of course, I am accused of nepotism by some, but I obviously have a different surname and my dad’s brown hair negated my mam’s ginger so people don’t realise it but Uncle Brendan just kept an eye on me, he never had the big enough name to demand I get work. People just realised the working our asses off is a family trait when they realise we’re related.”

“It’s not like you can help that he’s an actor. A producer is different.” Tom pointed out. “As I said before, I did some of this in college and being honest, I cannot, for one-second grasp how you do it. Looking at a camera and running lines seems so easy in comparison.” “I couldn’t do that, I love organising too much. My dad used to laugh at me for how I organised the calf registration every year. Apparently, the local vets were gutted when I moved to London because my dad’s forms went back to making no sense and don’t even start on the Department of Agriculture, I got more calls about those forms the first Spring I lived in Britain. I had to actually start taking a week off in Spring to go home for a week to help Dad. Especially when they put everything online, he was gone altogether then.”

Seeing her laugh at family memories, Tom smiled. He had absolutely no knowledge of farming practice, he was not of that background, but clearly, Niamh loved it. “Do you find your name causes issues?” “Only for idiots. I mean, when I first start on a set, there can be a few mishaps. I have been called. Nie-am a lot or Nie-am-huh but when you tell people your name a few times and refuse to acknowledge incorrect versions after that, you find they learn it very quickly then.”

“I find Irish names fascinating. They don’t sound like they are spelt.”

“It’s not a phonetic language.” She shrugged. “My cousins, my family, all of us, we all have Irish names. My brother Aidan, most people get that. Then there’s my idiot cousin Domhnall, you all know him from the few things he is in, he’s sound. Tara is my sister, her name is easy too.”

“Yes. I’m afraid my mother and father kept it very simple. Emma, Tom and Sarah.” “Nothing wrong with that either. So, now, my turn. How does the son of a pharmacist or something to that effect, according to Ben, become an actor?” “My mother was a stage director for years.” “Ah, that explains it. Got the bug from that, then?” “Yes, was it like that for you and your uncle?” “Yes, we went to see them filming Michael Collins when I was a teenager, it’s an Irish film and I was behind the camera watching everyone running around. I am shit at acting, I can’t do the small nuances needed but I love behind the camera and there was this man by the name of Stephen Woolley, I worked with him a few times since he explained to me what was going on. He knows Uncle Brendan and he saw I was interested so he explained what was happening. All growing up, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I got the usual nudges you expect from your Irish farming parents, nursing, teaching, you know but they never appealed to me and that day, it all just clicked immediately. I figured out what I wanted. I did all the research, my mam literally drove me to Uncle Brendan’s the day I told her and he had me go through everything. Domhnall is the same age and he already had it in his head that he was going to be involved in film too so we both ended up studying filming in college and both ended up on opposite sides of the camera in the end, both very happy with our respective decisions. He started in directing and writing but found his way in front of the camera while I am still incredibly happy behind it.” “That’s great that you have family support, I found that important too. Though, my dad took some convincing.”

“I suppose he blamed your mum?”

“Yes, actually. That and my flair for dramatics as a youngster. Dad’s side are…”

Tom began into his background, keeping an eye on Niamh’s reactions to see if she was merely placating him or bored but the polite questions from time to time implied she was paying enough attention to spur him into speaking more.

“I am sorry if I bored you.” “It’s fine, I actually liked getting all this dirty lowdown on you so I can now force you to do as I say on the sets we share in the future.”

It was clear that she was joking causing Tom to chuckle. “So, that’s your secret.” “Yes, people don’t like me, they fear me and being actors, they hide it well.”

Tom laughed again before shaking his head. “Ten years, I missed ten years of your sense of humour for a stupid comment.”

Niamh threw her head back in frustration. “God, I am going to go back to not talking to you if you keep harping on about this, I swear to fuck.” Tom looked at her guiltily. “I’m serious, Elsa, let it go...I...oh, I am definitely going to call you that from now on if you don’t stop apologising.”

Tom hoped she was not being serious but he was grateful it was better than her last nickname for him and he looked forward to seeing if she was because she genuinely seemed like a good friend and it was unusual to feel as though he could be open with someone. He had not felt he could leave his walls down to a new person in years.

When they arrived at their destination, Tom made a slight joke about her driving.

“You know you’re an asshole, right?” She scoffed.

“I may be, but at least I am the Nicest Asshole in Hollywood.”

#Tom hiddleston fic #Tom Hiddleston #The Nicest Asshole in Hollywood #Long fic #one shot

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