#but there's seriously nothing... we have a gay bar but it kinda sucks. and what im fairly sure is a kink club catering to gay men?

[vamptastic]

like i may be a goth communist but i am also a nice jewish boy who cant drink and slaves over my homework all day and goes back home to visit my parents twice a month. parties are fun for watching people you already know get drunk and bad for getting to know people. also i am lame. god bless.

[imlivinginyourtrashcan]

Hi hey hello halloween was 2 days ago so here are my southpark halloween headcanons cuz im a spooky gremlin all year (Possible part 1 cuz i write alot and idk if tumblr has a word limit)👍

Cartman:

His costume is either really extra or really basic because he forgot until last minute.

Its usually inflateable like a dinosaur, pizza or...other things.

Usually the one to pick the route they go on when trick or treating so he can get the most candy, but it backfires because of all the walking.

The type of mf to eat his candy while hes out trick or treating (me too, i get it)

He steals the entire take 1 bowl you cant change my mind. Also the type to grab aggressive fistfuls when someone says to just take one or two pieces of candy

Thinks haybales and haunted houses are gay

Will throw fake decorations at you as a joke, but the realistic ones that make you yell (severed hands, bugs, etc)

His house isnt that decorated since i KNOW Liane is the cool mom who gives out full sized candy bars but its the inside that counts

Takes pumpkin carving VERY seriously. But doesnt do that much, or he tries and gives up.

A dumbass when it comes to candy trading. Always falls for the tricks Kyles got

Kyle:

I love kyle, but you know hes dressing up as the most basic things every year...hes TRYING THO HES TRYING

Takes Ike with the boys when hes old enough

Tries to match costumes with Stan but stan always forgets

The BEST at carving pumpkins. Gut feeling Kyle is an art kid.

Thinks haybales are gay but is "ironically" scared of haunted houses

His mom is extra with decorations. You just know it

Secretly takes 3 pieces of candy from a take 1 bowl

Gives what he cant have to Stan since he cant eat pork n gelatin has pork in it 👍

Cartman tried nabbing his candy once and he whacked him with the candy filled pillow case he had

Expert candy tracker. That man knows which house has what and he is ON IT

Nightmare before christmas enjoyer, will i explain? No

Stan:

Hes like Kyle with the basic costume thing, just worse. Way worse

He is a ghost...almost every single year cuz he forgets to go costume shopping and he just says "fuck it" and uses a white bedsheet

Takes what he can get; he knows Shelleys gonna steal his shit anyway

That doesnt stop him from trying to hide it

Likes haybales but TERRIFIED of haunted houses he will NOT get in one

Mediocre pumpkin carver at best

His house aint decorated nor does it have candy cuz of randys ass. Forgetful ahh

Kenny:

Cant really afford costumes so stan, kyle and cartman help him DIY costumes

Also the kind of mf to grab the entire take 1 bowl

Makes it his MISSION to get all the candy he can get

Kinda eh on Haybsles, LOVES haunted houses

His house is never decorated, his family cant afford that

Good at candy trading cuz he can do puppy eyes

Really good at pumpkin carving, he just cant be the one getting the pumpkins.

Horror movie FANATIC!!! HE LOVES HORROR MOVIES!!!

He dies a lot that day very sad for him

Butters:

Rarely aloud to go out trick or treating, mans is ALWAYS grounded

When he CAN go out he cant ever stay out late which sucks so much

His costume is always something cute/creative, bro would probably go as like, an oc of his one year (projecting so hard i did this in the 4th or 5th grade)

Gets people to check his candy for him, hes scared of getting hurt or poisoned

Wants to go to the houses that have fruit or toothbrushes. It always goes like:

"Can we go to Ms Firkles house?" "The one that gives out apples?" "Yeah!" "Fuck is wrong with you?"

Loves Haybales, thinks theyre so fun

TERRIFIED of haunted houses, will not even STAND in a 100 ft radius of a haunted house

Flinches/Cries/Screams whenever a halloween decoration jumpscares him or is too loud

Horrified of horror moves

Not allowed to carve pumpkins, too dangerous. But he likes painting them!

Obeys the "take 1/2/3" rule like a good boy

His house is decently decorated, nothing extravagant

Craig:

Oh you know he is a "this is my costume" mf

Either that or something space related

Always the first in front in his group (Tweek, Tolkien, Clyde, Jimmy and Himself) cuz hes pretty unphased by everything

Loves carving pumpkins, him and tweek do the cute pumpkin carving stuff couples do

Cant eat most of the candy since he has braces, but he gives it to Tweek so its not a waste

Will hold Tweeks hand during horror movies, haunted houses and haybales.

A six flags fright fest enjoyer

This mf will look you dead in the eye and pour an entire bowl of candy into his bag if there arent any cameras or signs

The kind of mf to joke inside a ghost tour and purposefully try to piss off the ghost by flipping it off

The most undecorated house ever. Its like halloween doesnt exist to the Tuckers

Tweek:

He buys cool costumes but his makeup is so shaky and rushed since his ass cant sit still

Chugging pumpkin spice like a maniac

Terrified of any and all halloween activities. Jumpscare him and he will scream

Doesnt take candy from people or bowls, he stands awkwardly behind everyone and investigates his candy thoroughly before putting it in the bag

Either that or he'll have craig triple check it

His house is always decorated since Tweek Bros always has halloween specials and stuff

Does not sleep for the entire month of halloween, he survives on pumpkin spice and pure anxiety

Helps around the coffee shop by refilling candy bowls and doing halloween chalkboards (they look like scribbled messes but whatever)

The middle man in the group, he doesnt feel safe in the front or back

Carries Pepper spray with him when trick or treating, always very cautious to the point his friends grill him for it a little. Better safe than sorry

Clinging onto Craig half the night, the insomnias getting to him

Legally not aloud to carve pumpkins. He will accidentally knick his fingers

Loves halloween baking though, he does burn at least something and panics.

Clyde:

Oh you know hes the kind of mf to dress up like the glow in the dark stickman

Grabs aggressive handfuls of candy regardless of if its from a bowl or person

An absolute crybaby. Will cry when he sees the decorations

They cant decorate his house since hes a baby

Likes the pumpkin carving tho!

Always runs to thr house with full sized candy bars

Jimmy:

He is def going as an inflateable t rex/banana

Tells more jokes to people in hopes of getting more candy

Carves a wee wee into his pumpkin. He thinks its funny

Pretends to be scared on haybales to make Clyde feel better

His house is the one with custom decorations its so great

Scary movie enthusiast, joking and calling the characters dumb the whole time

He. Fucking. Loves. Frightfest

Hc that when hes older hes a scare actor part time

Admires the decorations

Tolkien

Bro probably got like, a ren faire costume yk? Like a count or something

Tolkien just seems likke the guy to go to ren faire every year

Expert pumpkin carver

Takess his friends to halloween fairs every year

The most overdecorated house (rich kid core)

Always saying the thank yous and happy halloweens when noone else will

Bro printed out a map of their trick or treat route

He takes some of his friends to ren faire too. Craig thinks its gay as shit

Likes the haybales, and the shit rides at the halloween fairs

Creeped out by haunted houses tho

[lambourngb]

This Hard Lie

Fic prompt: “Just trust me.”

THIS HARD LIE follows THIS HARD TOWN an AU that explores what Michael’s life might change if Alex hadn’t joined the Air Force. It’s not necessarily an easy rosy life . This part includes the following warnings : Kyle/Michael, sexual content, a homophobic slur directed at Michael by an OC, Michael’s cynicism about the US military and some more plot musings. This is finished in full on AO3.

***

[UNDER the cut because it starts NSFW]

There was something intensely meditative about sucking cock for Michael. 

Opening his mouth wide past comfort into an ache of effort, the firm press on his palate mixing with the surge of salt on his tongue, the mess of saliva and pre-cum smearing sloppily over his face as he dropped into a state where listening to his partner’s enjoyment was the only thing that registered. The world slipped away as he took measured breaths, his mind finally quiet, until all that was left was Michael being good. 

Michael could just be a vessel to fill with pleasure instead of pain.

Normally skating his hand down to gently squeeze and massage his partner’s testicles was enough to get that hitched-curse and uncontrolled jerk in his mouth that signaled an impending orgasm. The draw and shiver of warm pliant skin before the warm, thick release in his mouth, except that was not happening.

After a firm swipe of his tongue against the slit, rubbing against the edge of the frenulum, another foolproof trick in his experience that garnered nothing more than a sigh and an absent clutch of the hand on the back of his neck, Michael pulled away abruptly to stare up at Kyle Valenti’s face. 

“Wait, why’d you stop?” 

Michael wiped his mouth with the back of his hand rocking back on his heels, his voice rough from his activities, “‘Cause you don’t seem to be into this? Which I gotta admit, that’s a mood killer for me and slightly hurtful to my pride.”

Instead of arguing with Michael over his observation, Kyle sighed guilty and shifted to pull up his lightweight shorts over his erection, signalling the close of the encounter. “Sorry, you know you’re great at that, it’s me. My brain,” he gestured to his head with a twirling motion with his long-skilled surgeon hands. 

Michael couldn’t help but follow the motion with interest, he had always been a sucker for a set of strong, confident hands.

Alex had hands like that.

Fuck, Michael pushed that thought away like he did every time it slipped in uninvited and collapsed next to Kyle on his expensive leather couch. It’s been two years since Michael’s last glimpse of Alex, no contact from him outside of the impersonal birthday and holiday cards that had begun after Michael mailed his ‘I’m sorry I dropped in your life’ letter. They’ve officially been apart longer than they were together and still Michael couldn’t stop thinking of Alex daily.

Perhaps Kyle wasn’t the only one distracted tonight. 

“Listen, I won’t bore you with the details and break our agreement here,” Kyle continued, knocking his shoulder against Michael’s. “I can still do you here-”

“‘Do me’, so romantic, Valenti. I think I’ll pass on getting a disinterested handjob, thanks.” Michael rolled his eyes at the offer and reached for the bottle of water from the coffee table to swish around his mouth before swallowing for effect.

It was Kyle’s turn to roll his eyes but fondly. “I could give you an absent-minded blowjob instead?”

Their eyes met. Kyle lifted his well-groomed eyebrow as Michael pretended to be seriously tempted with a stroke of his stubbled jaw in turn before they both broke and started to laugh helplessly.

If someone had told a seventeen-year-old Michael that one day he would be laughing with Kyle Valenti in his high-end, ultra modern condo after a failed conclusion to a ‘U up?’ text, well he probably would have been interested in the type of pharmaceutical high that would have made that possible. Hell, the Michael of a year ago wouldn’t have believed it either but that was before he met the post-med school Kyle that returned home to Roswell.

It had started one night at the Wild Pony, where Michael frequented more and more for the scraps of news about Alex from Maria. A practice she did her best to discourage, repeating her policy of ‘I don’t play messenger between exes’, which had given Michael hope that maybe Alex had asked about him. He had been one beer in, contemplating a second when Jake Frederick’s sneer had interrupted.

“I hear they’re finally opening a place that caters just for the fags in town.”

That word, not unfamiliar to Michael in Roswell, brought his shoulders up to his ears. Its ugliness brought back so many memories of how it was whispered, spat, scrawled, or just strongly implied whenever Michael and Alex had ventured outside the safety zone of the Crashdown or their own four walls. The Wild Pony once Maria had bought it was eventually added to the list, though some patrons still thought otherwise.

On cue, Maria’s voice barked from behind the bar, “Jake, you use that word again in here and you’re banned for life!”

There was a titter of amusement as Jake’s crowd of admirers teased him for the call out, before an artificial apology was offered in return. After a moment though, Michael could hear him perfectly well pick up his conversation, “it’ll be wall to wall fake wigs and limp wrists there, probably playing nothin’ but Alex Manes’s shitty music.”

The laughter echoed, and Michael started to reach for his wallet to pay for his beer. It was clear that tonight’s entertainment was focused on Michael. He thought at this point, without Jesse Manes drumming up hate for his son, that these bullies would finally move on to something new. Unimaginative pricks.

“Hey Guerin, you off to join your people at that gay bar?” Jake called, noticing Michael’s departure. “Gonna find yourself someone new to ruin now that your boy left you?”

Closing his eyes as he swept his hat over his curls, Michael said a silent apology to 17-year-old Alex for breaking his promise on violence. He turned, noting a few new faces gathered at the table, probably guys from the base with their short haircuts, along with a silent Wyatt Long. For all of Wyatt’s racist blustering, Michael knew he had a queer cousin in Austin. Still, Michael pasted a bright and fake smile, “those are my people at Planet 7, Jake, but how many times do I have to tell you? I’m not gay.” 

“My mistake, buddy. Must have been all the cocksucking you do that threw me off.”

Michael laughed harshly, ignoring the movement in his peripheral, and stepped closer, his smile growing darker, “I’m bisexual, which means, not only will I feed you my dick, Jakey, but I’ll give it to your sister too. Just not at the same time. Unless you’re into that sort of thing? You look like your parents were into it…”

The slam of chairs falling backward as Jake jumped to his feet at the insult. After that it was more blurs of movement, jostling, and chaos as Maria shouted in the background about the police while Michael traded punches indiscriminately. At one point he realized he had help against his back, as the fight spilled outside into the cold, raw New Mexico night.

Dark spiked hair, a nice set of shoulders that gave Michael an inch or two of height advantage was all he could register in the melee. It wasn’t until the breaking of glass that was shortly echoed by the boom of a shotgun that the fight dropped into stillness and Michael recognized his unsolicited ally as Kyle Valenti. 

Maria stood next to the door of the Wild Pony as a lone siren picked up in the background, “All right you assholes, you’re all out of here. Drop your weapons and fucking leave before I have the sheriff lock all of you up!”

“Gotta admit, you’re kind of the last person I expected to be fighting a bigot,” Michael commented, dabbing at a fiercely bleeding cut on his eyebrow. “Kinda remember it the other way around in high school.”

Kyle smiled humorlessly as he caught his breath, grabbing Michael’s shoulder to pull him away from the bar toward the parking lot as the sirens picked up volume. “Well, I remember you as being some sort of secret genius in high school. Taking on five guys seems kind of dumb.”

“It was just four guys, Wyatt wasn’t gonna involve himself or else Maria would have called his uncle and aunt on him.”

“Oh well, if it was just four guys, I should have stayed at the bar, I wasn’t finished with my drink yet,” Kyle quipped sarcastically, as he kept pulling Michael through the parked cars. “You’re welcome by the way.”

“Fuck off, I didn’t ask for help-” He shook off Kyle’s hand, his previous pliancy in following Kyle at an end as he bristled with indignation. Whatever strange amnesia over what a dick Kyle Valenti was in general and to Alex in particular passed at the prod for gratitude. “And my damn truck is over there-”

“Can you even see out of that eye? Yeah, I didn’t think so,” Kyle answered for him and dug out a pair of keys from his pocket as an expensive sounding unlocking chirp echoed. Of course. The dark blue BMW in the sea of modest pick up trucks and domestic sedans was his. At least it wasn’t the bright red Camaro from graduation, that car had too many associations with it for Michael. The hatch popped open on the X1, Kyle leaned in to pull out a towel to toss to Michael. “I’ve got my bag here and I could use the practice in sutures, so?”

Normally the idea of a doctor touching him at all was enough to instill a mix of dread and panic, but Michael didn’t see anything in Kyle’s face other than genuine concern mixed with exasperation. The open air of the parking lot with police on the way seemed like a bad idea. “All right, free medical care is hard to turn down, but I don’t want your dad arresting me, so can we-”

“Your place, it is.” And then as they drove in silence, with Michael still holding the towel against his cut, Kyle spoke gently in the dark. “I was a dick in high school, I was even a dick in college. But then some things changed for me, um, so I’m glad Roswell is getting a gay bar.”

“No, no, high school homophobe does not come out as gay, not happening, no way-”

“No not gay,” Kyle cut his eyes over to the passenger seat, giving Michael a quick up-and-down appraisal. “Just learned the package isn’t really that important to me. I like sex. Med school was a small pool of sleep-deprived, competitive people and I stopped caring if they had a dick or not. I also learned a lot about anatomy.”

The appraising look, the hint of good-natured humor in Kyle’s eyes, and his suggestive words were all enough to push Michael to grunt, “changed my mind, your place instead.” He never took anyone back to his Airstream as a rule.

And that was the beginning of Michael’s almost-friends, only-benefits relationship with Kyle Valenti. It revolved around those unsaid rules from the first night, only at Kyle’s condo, and rarely did they engage in anything more substantive than talk about sports or the general stupidity of Roswell. The sex was easy, the conversation stayed light enough to fill the gaps of loneliness, and if Michael had been a different species, he might have considered it the start of something more permanent.

If only Max had been wrong. If only Michael hadn’t fallen in love with Alex as a teenager. The first year after Alex left had been devoted to trying to make it on his own financially and getting the down payment together for the Airstream. The next year he had tortured himself with believing that now that Alex was successful, he’d come back to Roswell, to him. Then after Isobel’s wedding and that trip east, Michael had to accept the truth. 

Dating in the years since, women and the occasional out man, had changed nothing for Michael. It was still Alex filling his every odd thought, and especially his fantasies at night. Doomed indeed as Max warned him, to drift through life enjoying the surface companionship of others but never anything more.

The reminder of what he did have currently, good sex and the ability to laugh with someone, loosened some of the private rules that Michael had had kept to with Kyle. “So, I mean, you don’t have to, but if you want to talk about what’s on your mind, you can.” Michael tipped his head back against the couch to meet Kyle’s surprised expression. “It would make me feel better about my sexual prowess, okay? You nodding off during a blowjob hurts man.”

“Well, as long as it makes you feel better,” Kyle teased sarcastically before accepting the offer made. “I was thinking about my dad.”

“Kinky, but gross, dude.”

“Ha ha, funny.” 

“Sorry, sorry, that was wide open.” Michael nudged his shoulder more seriously, “what about your dad?”

“He’s been acting weird lately. I actually thought he was drinking again,” Kyle waived his hand restlessly, “it’s an open secret my dad has been on and off the wagon. Most cops have a close relationship with booze.”

The Roswell circle of repeated gossipry was wide enough to reach Sanders, customers often needing to make some sort of conversation as they waited, so Michael was pretty familiar with the rumors about Jim Valenti. Most of them he ignored, like the infidelity whispers, because he could still remember the man showing up to Mimi Deluca’s house to offer Alex that first steady job in the face of Jesse’s smear campaign. An act that Jesse had retaliated by sponsoring a challenger to the next year’s sheriff’s race.

For a police officer, Michael cut Jim Valenti some slack in the character department. He also wasn’t a bad boss according to Max, though his brother’s opinion didn’t sway Michael as far as Jim’s act of kindness to Alex had.

“You said you thought he was drinking again, but he’s not?”

“Well, my other suspicion was he was cheating on my mom.” Kyle met Michael’s concerned glance with a tired, dark smile. “Yeah, not a great thought to have, but he’s been disappearing a lot. Acting paranoid too, he always carries but I noticed he kept his sidearm on him during Sunday dinner. Like he’s afraid someone is going to show up and attack him.”

“You think he was cheating with someone else who was married?” 

“I can’t really figure out what’s going on with him, other than he’s lying. But I followed him today, and he didn’t go to work, he drove a hundred miles north.” 

Michael blinked in reluctant admiration, “I guess you pick up stuff with two cops as parents.” He racked his brain for something more to say, but his conversational skills had never been gifted to begin with outside of charming someone into bed. “Um, in my experience, cheaters stay close to home. Like coworker, favorite waitress, etc. it’s definitely weird for your dad to drive that far for a little something on the side.”

“That’s the thing, he’s all secretive but it's over something nostalgic. I followed him to some old prison my grandfather worked at in the 60s called Caulfield. It’s been shut down for years. I can’t figure it out, and short of asking him directly I doubt I will.” Kyle shook his head again before inching closer to Michael on the couch, with a slow growing knowing smile, “So now you know where my head was when-“

“When I was trying to give you head?” Michael snarked playfully, picking up the change in mood easily. Apparently talking it out loud had released whatever mental block Kyle had been struggling with before. The moment reminded him of how he used to hold Alex at night, listening to him vent over the various customers in his day before he was able to wind down enough to enjoy any intimate touch. 

Fuck. He was thinking about Alex again.

This time he let Kyle pulling him into a kiss distract him fully from the renewed spiral of remembrance. His body warmed slowly as Michael shut down his brain from wandering east again to Nashville. 

***

“Your soul and your heart have been in such opposition,” Mimi murmured, holding Michael’s palm between hers as she gave him a reading at the Wild Pony. It was his way of distracting her while Maria gently soothed two customers that had received a deep lecture about the sins on their souls from her mother. To be fair, Michael could tell from their demeanor and close cut hair that each of them had served or were actively serving in the military, so Mimi Deluca probably wasn’t too far wrong from the mark with her lecture. “I know you’re a traveler, child, but this pull north and east could tear you in two.”

“My heart hasn’t been mine for a while,” Michael replied truthfully. Once he and Alex had moved in with one another, the small family of outcasts with Alex, Maria and Mimi had expanded to include him for a while. And once upon a time it had boasted more members like Rosa and Liz, but his sister’s actions had trimmed those branches in one way or another.

“That’s the east, and while it travels ever closer to you, you’ll never get that back. But north though, if you follow that path, perhaps your soul will find peace.”

“Not sure what I’d do with peace.”

“Maybe pay your bar tab once in a while?” Maria injected as she moved back behind the bar with a gentle hand on her mother’s shoulder. “And not starting a fight in my bar would also be a good start.”

“Come on, Deluca, I have been a very good boy since that last go-around Jake. I swear that kid is a closet case with how badly he seems to want me to lay hands on him,” Michael protested weakly. Truly he had only bent his old promise to Alex a handful of times in the last year and all of them because the Fredrickson kid had brought up Alex in some way. The comments about his job, clothes, and cheap taste in booze could all be ignored, but one word about Alex’s music or success and the gloves came off.

“Maria! Don’t be so mean to Michael, his people aren’t designed to live like this, divided in two.”

Despite the chill from Mimi’s words, Michael knew that Maria didn’t take her mother’s talk too seriously with how often she peppered her premonitions with nineties alien blockbuster movies. She always interpreted her mother’s words as being a romantic metaphor about a lost love. 

Suddenly Mimi straightened, looking over Michael’s shoulder. “I guess good can come from evil dying.”

In the mirror over the bar, he caught sight of what Mimi saw. A grip closed over his heart, squeezing it until the fluttering motion ceased under the force as he watched Alex Manes move confidently through the crowd toward the front where Michael was with Maria. His head was shaved close up the back of his head, leaving a long, silky dark fringe over one eye and his face was bare of makeup and piercings. The black shirt sporting long sleeves made of crisscrossed fabric over a pair of tight black jeans looked more at home on Rodeo Drive than Roswell but the completely indifferent look on Alex’s face showed he didn’t care about fitting in to the locals bar.

Fuck it was so quintessentially Alex’s attitude from high school, before the shed, that Michael was having trouble remembering it had been at least six years. 

“Alex Manes, in my bar!” Maria squealed, vaulting herself over the bar in one smooth motion to cross the distance to throw herself into his arms. 

Michael’s mouth was dry as he picked up his drink to take a sip, feeling awkward and out of place. Should he offer his hand to shake? A hug? Could he pretend to be European and kiss Alex’s cheeks? What were the rules on an ex that he traded Hallmark cards with now? 

A soft cool touch pulling him back from his spiraling thoughts to look up into Mimi Deluca’s clear and focused gaze, “he sings in the wrong key every night, but you know his song. You’re a good boy, you’re not rotten inside like your sister.”

Before he could do more than blink, Alex was suddenly next to them, looking at Mimi’s hand covering his curiously before smiling at Michael. “I would have thought you’d be tired of this place, after all those nights waiting for me to finish my shift?”

“Alex,” Michael took a deep breath, floundering for something more than the obvious, “you’re here. In Roswell.”

“It wasn’t really my idea,” Alex admitted gently, before taking a seat next to him. He reached smoothly for Michael’s glass to steal a drink from before making a face. “Oh man, it’s been a long time since I’ve had Crown Royal.” He fished out an expensive wallet to pull a crisp hundred dollar bill from a stack to lay on the bar, “Maria, please rescue him from this with some good tequila.”

Mimi gave Michael a significant look of encouragement before interjecting, “Maria, honey you should let these two get reacquainted, Alex isn’t going anywhere for a while. Jesse is dying, but he’s not dying today or even tomorrow.”

Michael jerked his head toward Alex, “that’s why you’re here? It’s your dad?”

A small smile of satisfaction twitched over Alex’s mouth before he nodded in confirmation, “Brain tumor. Doctor says he might have a month, maybe less. I’m only here because my brother threatened to go to the press if I didn’t show and my agent is worried about how that would look.”

“Oh.” Michael picked up his fresh drink, a high end alcohol he could have never dreamed of ordering for himself, out of a need to do something with his hands to keep from reaching out to touch Alex. “If I said that sucks for you that he’s dying, I’d be lying, but I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah, it’s good to see you too, Michael.” Alex clinked his glass against Michael’s softly, “I’ve been back for a couple of days, this was the first time I could get away actually. The movies all lied you know, cancer isn’t this quiet death. My dad is ranting and raving all night long, about aliens, about being murdered, about all sorts of random shit about Roswell and the crash and hands that kill. Your name has kept coming up too. I should record it and put it on youtube, make him famous too.”

*** 

[raleighliving]

Raleigh Apartment Culture

So I'm of the mind that Raleigh is a great place to live. It has my favorite things, my favorite people, and I'm too broke to move anywhere else.

Raleigh works for me, but I recognize it doesn't work for everyone. Some people had less than ideal childhoods and wanna escape the state ASAP, some just want to live closer to their dream jobs or have new opportunities. That's all fine, but what if this describes where you are now?

What if, for the sake of argument, you're outside of NC and wanna move in? Moving is expensive, time-consuming, and risky at the best of times; so you wanna make sure that wherever you're landing is at least as good as where you started 90% of the time

"But RL," I hear you say, "you make Raleigh sound like an idyllic dreamscape populated with parks and a diverse kumbayah of peoples living in harmony"

I do talk about Raleigh in a positive light but, like a life saving medicine flavored like ass, sometimes you have to take the good with the bad.

So before you spend thousands of dollars on moving vans, boxes, and grits; here's a crash course on what it's like living in a Raleigh apartment, coming from someone whose majority of Raleigh Living (heh) has been in apartments.

First off, location. Any realtor will tell you that location is 80% of the sale to sound profound, and as anyone who has lived in the middle of ass-backward nowhere can tell you: It sucks having to drive 30 minutes to go anywhere.

Good news: With the Raleigh Beltline and connecting roads, there are very few places in Raleigh where your trip will last longer than thirty minutes one-way. Bad News: where you set down still matters because cutting down on travel is important for car and mental health.

North Raleigh is different from south Raleigh is different from northwest Raleigh, and the locals aren't the only difference you'll find between locations. Each segment of Raleigh has something to offer, with easier access to some attractions than others and neighboring cities for when you need something outside the RDU area.

Using downtown as the center of our wheel, people generally divide Raleigh into North and South Raleigh (with distinction given for NW, SE, NE, etc when needed). N.Raleigh is considered generally more upscale, a slice of suburban living interspersed with plenty of shopping centers for families and the moderately wealthy; but it's boring as all hell.

Want some fun? Excitement in the evenings and a more traditional urban experience with bars, night clubs, strip clubs, and more? South Raleigh is your best bet, at the cost of being the "sketchy" side of Raleigh. That kind of place where you'll see a bunch of auto shops that look abandoned but haven't been closed in the past 5 years and there's at least one customer from time to time.

Of course, this is a lot of generalizing but you'll find that it's still mostly accurate. The main exception in this is Capital Blvd, a highway cutting across north and south Raleigh on the eastern half of the city; a high crime corridor that's undergoing some changes in the northern half that have (somewhat) reduced crime but most people will still associate that area with the majority of Raleigh's crime and debauchery.

More importantly, is the distinction Raleigh citizens put on inside the beltline versus outside the beltline. The I-440 and 540 highways that wrap around Downtown form the mythical beltline, and to a degree what you have access to. Inside the beltline is the majority of workplaces, stores, and shopping centers; while outside you'll still have these things just to a more... dispersed extent.

North Raleigh actually kinda exemplifies this perfectly. Living inside the beltline, you have access to places like North Hills, Crabtree Valley mall, and Triangle Town Center. Live outside the beltline, like I currently am, and you're looking at 10 to 15 minutes to the nearest sheetz for that late night double hot dog fix.

So for point one: How important is it that you're near things? The majority of apartments and rental properties are in or around the belt-line, but if you want to save some cash on rent checks the cheaper properties are gonna extend your trips a bit.

Next, what can you expect in terms of neighbors? Does Raleigh have a hip party scene full of teens renting cheap apartments and blasting trap music at 3AM?

Depends on where you live

I swear not every point is going to be this, but there's an important distinction this time that affects the type of people your complex will likely have surrounding you; are you in North or South Raleigh?

North Raleigh has a ton of pre-schools, k-12 public schools (Leesville, Hillburn, Lead Mine, just to name a few), and office complexes that make up the job market. As a result the majority of apartment renters in north Raleigh tend to be families with a few small kids or so.

As a result, living off of Glenwood North and Edwards Mill I never had any noise problems from neighbors, the worst being kids playing outside at 3PM sounding like they were being murdered (which apparently is a common thing and I apologize to any neighbors I frightened with ghastly shrieks).

What I did have a problem with, however, was the typical Karen's you hear people complain about online. Renting a property now, we have access to our neighborhood's NextDoor page and it's hilarious sometimes to go on and read the comments, but living at a certain property we had a sort of mini-Facebook for residents

That thing was always full of either people who were moving out looking to sell their furniture or people passive-aggressively challenging each other/the apartment managers with comments about things happening around the complex.

Once I logged in to see one man accuse another, without ever actually accusing someone specific ("I know who did it and they should be ashamed" type post) of putting glass beer bottles under the tires of his truck to try and puncture them. Everyone acts civil in public, but then online they'll stir the pot harder than a chef with a hand mixer.

South Raleigh, you have the schools like Shaw University, Meredith, and NCSU; so the people renting down there are typically college kids. You'll see more apartments that cater towards them like University Village or University Woods, but sometimes these places will cater to both college kids and working adults

Avoid these places like the plague, because despite sometimes having a lower cost to live there the neighbors and their shenanigans will drive you up the wall (unless you're the type to join in, then go wild).

I've had friends stay at places like University Village and The Proper (formerly The Vie, formerly Wolf Creek) who've shared horror stories. 3AM parties ending in property damage or vomit in inconvenient places, drug deals not even trying to be subtle, and maintenance workers doing nothing because regardless of the apartment conditions; no school's gonna pull their contract with them unless news articles start getting written.

http://www.technicianonline.com/news/article_898ddf34-82f5-11e7-b3d8-07059d248619.html

https://www.wral.com/vie-at-raleigh-residents-finally-able-to-move-into-clean-units/16887833/

http://www.technicianonline.com/news/article_ea8ed7aa-a092-11e8-a2af-e70af36566d0.html

Otherwise, south Raleigh apartments are largely like north Raleigh apartments; except the crime rate tends to be a little higher and you'll run into more singles and people working full time.

Otherwise, Raleigh apartment culture is like apartment culture anywhere else in the country. You have a mix of apartments catering to those just looking to live versus more ostentatious luxury apartments with fancy pools, exercise facilities, and tech packages to draw people in.

If you're renting in Raleigh, however, do try to get a roommate or two if you can manage. Even with a decent job paying 800+ on a one bedroom one bath apartment can be exhausting at best, but with even one other person that can functionally halve your expenses

So if you're a young professional, or a student, or even if you have a small family, I can safely recommend renting in Raleigh. There's plenty of places that'll accommodate you, and cater towards your needs.

But what about everyone else? Are there people who shouldn't rent in Raleigh?

No

But there are groups who I'd seriously ask to consider their other choices before picking Raleigh as a destination for their new home.

For instance, are you a member of the LGBT community? A trans or non-binary individual? Well then, first off, I want you to know that you're loved and valid. I'm accepting of who you are and appreciate everyone's right to identify how they choose, but I'm not everyone.

Raleigh's bluer than other parts of North Carolina, as I've stated in other blog write-ups, but it's still part of North Carolina unfortunately and as a result, you'll face some challenges.

I doubt anyone's gonna burn a cross in your yard or knock over your mailbox, but Raleigh doesn't offer LGBT protections for housing, jobs, or credit/lending discriminations according to the Movement Advancement Project's website.

We have support organizations for LGBT and NB individuals, plenty of high schools and colleges have Gay-Straight Alliance clubs, and there are numerous businesses downtown that cater specifically to those individuals... but we're also the state that got into a lot of hot water because of a stupid bathroom bill, and our politicians are trying to pass anti-trans sports legislation (because they now magically care about the integrity of womens sports).

By that measure, but to a lesser extent, if you fall outside the Liberal/Conservative political spectrum then be prepared to have no one to discuss your politics with outside of a few sparse networks like the DSA.

Additionally, if you don't have someone to room with or a significant other to split costs with; you may want to try searching somewhere a little cheaper.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Raleigh housing prices aren't terrible for a major metropolitan city, but we're not the best prices in the world.

You can get prices on apartments and rentals lower than say, California or New York. However, compared to other parts of NC like Greensboro or Garner; rentals are still a bit much.

On average, a Raleigh apartment can run you about $900 for a single bedroom and a single bathroom. You can find cheaper, but often times there's some risk associated (Crime levels, quality of the room, quality of the property manager, etc.) Looking for a two bedroom? Then your average price is gonna jump up to around $1,200, and this is all before utilities and cable come into play.

It's true a lot of companies around here will pay more than the $7.25 minimum wage, but most low-skilled jobs will pay around 10-11 an hour.

I guess though, that's kind of an obvious statement. "Don't live in Raleigh if you can't afford to live in Raleigh."

I might expand on these thoughts at a later time, but hopefully for now I've given you some food for thought; or at the very least an entertaining read for a few minutes.

I love my city, and I love the friends I've made in it, but the sad truth is that nowhere is perfect for everyone; leastways Raleigh. If Raleigh sounds like the kind of place you'd like to live in, at least take a day trip to come visit and see how things go that way. Visit some stores, meet some locals, and form an opinion off of more than travel blogs and youtube videos.

[warning-fandom-obsessed]

The Emma’s ranked by how much I can tolerate their existence

Noor Bawens

Noor Bawens. A woman of quality. We stan a pretentious art hoe and her semi-legal extracurricular activities that she brings a date along to only to basically introduce her date’s soulmate to said date. Didn’t end well for her but without her we might not have had sobbe and that’s iconic behaviour. She’s genuinely a very cool person. She didn’t out robbe and while that shouldn’t give her extra points (the bar should not be there) the bar here is low so I’m giving it to her and you can cry me a river if it bothers you. She’s ignorant, sure, but, given that she’s friends with robbe and sander now, she’s clearly trying to be better and she has amazing self-control because (as far as i know) she hasn’t decked Britt for being an asshole yet and idk that seems like a very difficult thing to resist doing.

Sara Adamxzyk

Out of all of the Emma’s, I probably feel the most sorry for Sara. I get why she was so adamant about being with Matteo (even though it was kind of a selfish motivation and not one that should fuel a relationship, though, Matteo wasn’t exactly motivated well either). She was going through a shit time at home and with it being Abi time at school, the stress she was under must’ve been immense; she just wanted something else to focus on and that’s where Matteo came in. Also her and Leonie have stellar wlw energy. Was a dick to Matteo (as were the rest of the Emma’s to their respective Isak at some point) but she didn’t out him and when she accused him of being gay it was something that was just between them instead of in front of everyone at a party (im looking at you Chloé). Also, she seems to have an alcohol problem???? like she says she’s not gonna get too drunk and then is literally passing out an hour later idk that doesn’t seem healthy and I actively want her to be okay. She does genuinely try to be a good girlfriend to matteo despite the fact that he’s giving her nothing. Dear next gen writers, pls let her be happy at university being gay with Leonie thanks.

Rubén

Okay, listen. I just... don’t care about Rubén.... like... at all... and, going by that fact that I could find exactly 0 (zero) gifs of his face when he wasn’t kissing Cris and had to go with his pic from the Wikia, i think it’s safe to say that neither does the rest of the fandom. Or the writers, really, because, like, the guy doesn’t have a fucking last name. Seriously, the amount of indifference we seem to all feel towards this man is genuinely astounding. Like, he’s kind of a douchebag sometimes, kinda entitled, but not in an actively malicious way. He still pursued Cris when she clearly wasn’t into him, but, then again, he gave her a way out and she didn’t take it so he can be forgiven for thinking that Cris was actually into him. Idk I just kinda pity him. And that is the extent of my feelings towards Rubén.

Chloé Jeanson

Initially, I hated her the most out of all of them. Like, seriously, I couldn’t stand her. She was irritating and she fucking outed Lucas and I couldn’t forgive her for that, and I haven’t really. But, after thinking about it for a while, I think I understand her. Lucas led her on more than any of the other Isak’s. I mean, he fucking told her he loved her. I’m in no way saying that that in any way excusing her outing him because I doubt anything could ever do that, but I like to think that she’s since realised that outing Lucas was a severely fucked up thing to do. So, yeah, I don’t like her, but I understand her, fucked up as her actions were, I get it. So I don’t know what to say about her. I don’t like her but I don’t hate her as much as some of the others. Congrats, Chloé, you’re not bottom of the list through the process of elimination, well done.

Emma W. Larzen

Emma Larzen... What can I say about her? Well, as it turns out, quite a lot. Her face makes me angry. Like, whenever she pops up, ruining the moment Isak and Even were inevitably having, her face just makes me angry. I swear she has worse timing than Noora. I think I hate her face because she’s deceptively cute. Like you look at her and you think she’s harmless and then she fucking outs Isak out of spite. Like, woah dude, pump the hate breaks, your cute smile doesn’t get you out of being homophobic. The only reason that she isn’t at the bottom of the list (apart from how much I hate the  other emma) is because I get the impression that she’s actually kind of lonely, despite how popular she is, and that’s why she tries so desperately to be with Isak and for the second years to think she’s cool and i feel kinda sorry for her. Other than that though.... she just.... sucks.

Emma Covitti

I daren’t think about what kind of person Marco Covitti is because if she is nicer than him... god, what kind of a person is he??? I know some people genuinely like her, but.... I just don’t get it. Not only did she out Marti, but, then, when he came to talk to her and apologise for being a dick, she had the fucking gall to insinuate that him leading her on for like three weeks is in any way equal to outing him. Actually, no, she implied that he still fucking owed her after she, and i’ll say it again, fucking outed him. She is petty and so, so full of herself and honestly just the worst. But sure, she’s willing to give him another chance so that makes it all okay (note the sarcasm). I know they’re sorta tentative friends in s4 but like I can’t forgive her, even if Marti has. I swear to god she better treat Elia well otherwise I’m about to get real stabby real quickly. -10/10 would vandalise her car.

[xx-sikki-nixx-xx]

NSFW A-Z

Tommy Lee

requested by @fan-with-issues

Aftercare(what they’re like after sex)

As we all know Tommy is a hopeless romantic so after sex he is very attentive and loving, Kissing your forehead and playing with your hair, he loves to pamper his girl so even though he isn’t always the most affectionate (especially around the band) after you two finish he is the most lovey dovey boy you’ll ever meet.

Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and their partners)

Let's be real here Tommy loves boobs… it's just the truth he loves your boobs no matter what size he thinks they’re as he would say “awesome” he loves playing with them and watching them bounce up and down when you’re on top. He also steals your bras so you have to go braless in public because he likes to watch you when it gets cold (if you get what I mean) 

 Cum (anything to do with cum…basically I’m a disgusting person)

Tommy likes to cum inside of you obviously but when you won't let him because you don’t need a baby any time soon he likes to cum on your stomach, as for your cum when you two are finished he likes to lick you clean because he loves the way you taste and he likes to make you feel like the princess you are. 

Dirty secret  (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Tommy is pretty much an open book but the one thing he doesn’t tell people is that once he had a threesome with none other than Nikki Sixx and some groupie they met on tour… doesn’t seem like a big deal but the thing is some gay stuff may have kinda happened due to intoxication and from that day forward Nikki and Tommy swore never to speak of it again.

Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) 

C'mon we all know that Tommy Lee has had his fair share of experience and for sure knows exactly what he’s doing, it only took him one time with you to know exactly what you like and what it takes to make you cum and he imploys that method every time you two fuck to make sure you have the best time possible because as previously mentioned Tommy is big on making you feel good.

 Favorite Position (This goes without saying)

Our boy Tommy loves doggy style because it gives him all kinds of possibilities, he can grab your boobs, he can pull your hair, he can choke you, he can rub your clit it's perfect for him and he loves how deep he can go in doggy style… not that it’s necessary seeing as we all know about Tommy’s 10 inch situation

 Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Tommy’s a goofball so yeah sex like the rest of his life isn’t very serious, especially because now that he trusts you he feels he can let loose and be himself. His favorite thing to do is look up at you while he’s eating you out and wiggle his eyebrows which always insights a giggle from you. 

 Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc)

Tommy is a little narcissistic so he likes to be groomed, he had pubes but they’re trimmed nicely so that they don’t get in the way or tickle your face when you give him blowjobs. Yes the carpet matches the drapes it's a nice warm tone shade of black just like his beautiful head of hair.

Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Tommy goes all out on romantic occasions, for instance for your one year anniversary he did the whole cliche rose petals and scented candles and red velvet bed sheets, that night after a delicious dinner he managed to cook without burning the sex was like every romantic comedy ever, slow, gentle, romantic, passionate, missionary looking into each others eyes with a lot of kissing. Not something you want all of the time because you also love the rough angry sex you two have but it was a sweet gesture.

 Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Tommy isn’t big of Jacking off because sex is 90% to pleasure you but occasionally he gets an inconveniant boner that he needs to get rid of quickly and you aren’t always around to help so he’ll occasionally finish himself off in his hand but very rarely.

Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Tommy LOVES handcuffs… why? Because when you two are doing doggy style he likes to cuff your hands behind your back to prevent you from trying to put the focus on him because he wants to be in control and keep the focus on you. Another kink Tommy is really into is spanking, when he’s going at it from behind he likes to land a few hard slaps on your ass to watch you jump and squirm, he’s not into it because it puts you in pain he’s into it because he likes to hear you whimper and ask for another because you both know you secretly like it but you’d never admit it to Tommy.

Location (Favourite places to do the do)

ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE… enough said.

Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Tommy is very easy to turn on… even looking at him a certain way gets him like an overstimulated puppy bouncing up and down and begging to be touched, but his favorite thing is thigh riding especially if you are trying to pretend that you aren’t doing it like if you’re out at a bar with the guys sitting on his lap and you suddenly get horny so you discreetly grind down on his thigh to relieve some of your needs, it really gets him going knowing how desperate his babygirl is for him and he will as soon as possible drag you to the nearest bathroom to help you with your desires.

 NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

Tommy’s not into knife play or blood play, he’ll do almost anything else but he doesn’t like the idea of doing that to you because you are his beautiful perfect princess and he would be too scared that he’d cut too deep and seriously hurt you, besides he doesn’t need knives to mark you as his… that’s what hickeys are for. He also isn’t into shit or piss for obvious reasons (that’s just too far for him)

Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Tommy loves to eat you out because as previously stated he loves to make you feel good and the best way to do that is with his tongue and fingers so he’ll suck and lick and kiss you for as long as it takes to make you cum, Tommy also likes receiving I mean how could he not but he usually doesn’t make you and when you try he’ll say “baby you don’t gotta do that, I can get off fucking you, I do it to you because you need a little more help finishing and I love you” and then he’ll kiss your forehead like the sweetheart he is.

Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

It really depends on the mood tbh like most of the time it’s rough but passionate but there are times when Tommy’s feeling extra cuddly and he’ll take his time more kissing every inch of your body and whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

 Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Tommy isn’t a fan of quickies because he always feels guilty after a quickie because he feels like he hasn’t got the chance to pleasure you as much as he’d like to so he rathers to take his time but occasionally like when he’s on tour he’ll resort to a quickie before a show or some similar situation.

Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Tommy likes to experiment but tbh you two have already tried everything because he likes to experiment so much that it all happened very quickly in the relationship. 

 Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

A LONG ASS TIME to the point that if you two decide to have sex one night you two usually finish and realise it’s time to get up for the day. 

 Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Nope Tommy doesn’t have toys because weather it’s on you or himself he likes to do everything his own way by himself without help from toys. 

Unfair (How much they like to tease)

Tommy isn’t a big teaser because he ends up feeling bad and having to make it up to you, but he has his moments where he’s pure evil especially when you’ve been teasing him all day he can be especially cruel. 

Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Tommy isn’t big on noise but he lets out a few cute grunts when he’s about to cum, but he heavily encourages you to be very vocal because he loves to hear what he does to you, his heart swells with pride at every moan, squeal and little grunt you make. 

Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Tommy has this big fantasy of watching you with another man preferably with one of his band mates, he loves watching your movements when you have sex with him and he loves the idea of getting to watch you from a third person angle. 

X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

BITCH IF YOU HAVEN’T CAUGHT UP YET TOMMY LEE HAS A 10 INCH COCK OK SO YOUR WELCOME 

Yearning (How high is their sex drive?

As high as Nikki Sixx in the late 80’s (sorry I’m a bad person) but Tommy is almost always at least a little horny and can spring to action at any moment you need him which is very helpful in your opinion. 

ZZZ (How quickly they fall asleep afterward)

After about 5 or 6 rounds in one night Tommy is out like a light afterwards, of course he’ll take the time to clean you up, make sure your comfortable and cuddle you up in his chest but after that he’s asleep almost immediately but that’s ok because so are you.

[shoujocentral]

Symphogear S1- Now this is MY kind of anime!

Every once and awhile when I'd log onto Twitter, I'd see people saying "watch Symphogear" accompanied by images from the show. From looking at the pictures, I assumed it was just another magical girl show like Precure but with less magic and more... techno. Oh, and apparently they sing while they fight? Sounds kinda dumb...

Buuuut... I have heard that there's some yuri content? Maybe I'll give it a try. I mean, I'm always open to watching new stuff, even if it's just a silly little kid's show 😅

😳

Well........ color me hooked.

I have to say, this show is not at all what I was expecting in the best possible way. It feels a lot more like a Shounen action show along the lines of Fullmetal Alchemist or Neon Genesis Evangelion than a Magical Girl show (if that's even what it's supposed to be). Today, I'm going to be giving my first impressions of Senki Zesshou Symphogear season 1, which will be spoiler free for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

Plot:

So what is Senki Zesshou Symphogear about?

In the not too distant future (next Sunday A.D.), Japan is under attack by monsters known as Noises, the likes of which cannot be killed by military weapons. The only thing that can kill them are girls clad in weaponized armor known as Gears, which is activated and powered by singing catchy techno-pop music.

One day, a girl named Hibiki Tachibana is caught in the middle of a battle, and one of the Gear users, Kanade Amou, sacrifices herself to save her. Two years later, Hibiki discovers that a piece of Kanade's Gear was embedded in her chest during the fight, giving her access to the Gear's powers. Hibiki is recruited by the Disaster Relief Squadron, the organization that created the Gears, to help defend Japan from the Noises.

However, Kanade's former girlfriend partner, Tsubasa Kazanari, sees Hibiki as nothing more than an obnoxious, naive girl trying to be Kanade's replacement. Will the two learn to work together, defeat the Noises, and possibly uncover a deeper plot to all the attacks?

Symphogear's plot might not be the most original thing ever; evil monsters attack, teenage girls transform into superpowered warriors to fight them, evil mastermind tries to take over the world, etc. But what makes this story stand out is it's unique approach to the fights. Having the Gears be powered by music, resulting in every fight being accompanied by a song, is either a genius way to amplify the fights, or a genius way for the producers to sell a techno soundtrack.

I was worried that the constant use of insert songs would become repetitive and annoying, but on the contrary, they heightened my enjoyment! The fights in Symphogear are easily my favorite part of the show: fast-paced, badass powers, lots of screaming, and downright brutal at times! Hibiki has officially joined the ranks of my all-time favorite battle cries, right up there with Goku from DBZ and Souma from Kannazuki no Miko.

If there was one thing I had to nitpick, it would be that most of the fights take away the credibility of the Noises. They're supposed to be this terrifying threat to Japan that can't be harmed by the military, but as soon as the Gear wielders show up, they're reduced to nothing more than cannon fodder as Hibiki and her comrades seem to waltz through them without breaking a sweat.

Thankfully, the versus matches between Gear wielders are much more balanced. My favorite has to be Hibiki vs Chris (see above), but then again, any fight with Chris is an absolute win!

Characters:

Hibiki Tachibana

Hibiki is your typical genki girl protagonist: optimistic, hyperactive, naive, and pure. What makes her a more compelling hero, however, is her slow growth into becoming a strong Gear wielder. Unlike most magical girl protagonists, who seem to master their powers after one line of "EH?! What just happened to me?!", Hibiki takes time to learn how to fight. She starts out with the mindset that she has to be Kanade's replacement and thus tries to fight just like her. However, she eventually comes to invent her own battle tactics that work much more in her favor. Mainly, punching the everloving shit out of everything in sight.

Hibiki is, in my opinion, a flat character done right. She doesn't go through any personal growth or development throughout the show (learning to fight doesn't count), but her belief that all humans can get along if they communicate and desire to protect people just because she wants to is the cause for most of the change in the people around her. The world is in a dark place, and Hibiki is the light. She doesn't need to change, because she's exactly what the world needs.

Tsubasa Kazanari

From what I've learned, Tsubasa is a favorite amongst Symphogear fans. Me personally, though, I have a few issues with her character. Now, I have nothing against brooding, damaged characters. In fact, Tsubasa's recovery from Kanade's death and learning to cherish her own life was incredibly engaging... for the most part. Sorry, but I can only take so much edge. Her constant repitition of "I am a sword, I exist only to fight" grew old after the first 10 or so times.

Also, while I love her overall development, I feel that her acceptance of Hibiki was a little rushed. For the first four episodes, she hates Hibiki for carrying Kanade's Gear to the point where she tries to fight her to the death. Then, after another fight sends her into a coma, she has a (extremely gay) hallucination of Kanade telling her to get over herself. Next episode, she's treating Hibiki as if they've been friends the whole time. Did I miss something? Did Hibiki even apologize for saying she wanted to replace Kanade? Did Tsubasa apologize for trying to shishkabob her?!

Development aside, her fighting style is awesome and unique, and leads to the best choreography in the show. Hopefully as I watch more seasons, my opinion of her will improve.

Chris Yukine

Best Girl. No questions. Anyone who disagrees is wrong. Deal with it.

Jokes aside, Chris is my favorite character of the show bar none. Maybe I just have a weakness for evil-turned-good characters, but I adored her "don't take no shit from nobody" attitude and her soft side emerging as the show progressed. And let me tell you, Tsubasa would have no right to brood if she knew what Chris went through as a child. I won't give anything away, but just a few brief images and harsh words were enough get the picture across and tug at my heartstrings.

She also had my favorite Gear and fighting style in the show. If there's one thing that always gets my blood pumping, it's gatling guns and an endless supply of missiles. Seriously, I could watch this girl fight for hours.

Kanade Amou

A moment of silence, ladies and gentlemen.

......

Kanade would be my favorite character if we had gotten more of her. But alas, she has to die in the very first episode. DAMN YOU, PLOT!!!

Even though we get very little of Kanade, she makes it her mission to leave a lasting impression. Her sacrifice at the beginning sets the tone for the rest of the show, and her flashback is the best of the bunch. I got hard chills when she transformed for the first time. Let's just say she's psychotic in all the right ways.

Kanade died for our sins. Remember that... 🙏

Finé

Our main villain of the show. That's it. There's really nothing much else to her. She's cruel, manipulative, and powerful beyond belief, as most big bosses of these kinds of shows are. She was honestly my least favorite part of the show.

Fine's motivation is incredibly confusing on first watch. I had to go back to pause and read the subtitles multiple times to understand her backstory, but maybe that's my fault for being a slow reader. On the other hand, the explanation as to who she is and why she's so powerful comes right out of nowhere and doesn't seem to connect to anything the story had been building up to that point. Also, by the time I understood her motivation and actually found it a little intriguing, she dropped the dreaded "I'm going to take over the world" line. Aaaaand.... all my interest just went out the window.

There is a twist involving her connection to a certain other character in the show that I genuinely didn't see coming, but in the end, it wasn't nearly enough to make up for her shortcomings.

Miku Kohinata

God bless this little angel. Miku is a precious cinnamon roll who must be protected at all costs. Thankfully, Hibiki's got it covered 👍

Words cannot express how much I love this girl. She may be only a supporting role for the time being, but good lord, does she support! It always broke my heart whenever she tried to spend time with Hibiki or talk to her, but the Disaster Relief Squad kept pulling them apart. I know DRS is classified, but Miku deserves better than to have secrets kept from her! Life sucks when your girlfriend best friend is a superhero...

Well, that was a mouthful. There's a lot more characters in this show, but I don't really have much to say about them. However, while we're on the subject of Miku, let's move on to the reason I checked this show out in the first place, and the reason I'm sure most of you read my stuff.

Yuri:

No sooner did I finish this show did I start looking up HibiMiku fanart 😍

I was expecting a fair dosage of yuribait going into Symphogear, but mother of all that is gay, did I get an overdose!

First and foremost, the main ship: HibiMiku. These two are dating. Nothing anyone says will change my mind. They compliment each other perfectly, with Hibiki's energy and Miku's sweetness... HHNNNGGH! IT'S TOO PRECIOUS! I sincerely hope these two get more time together in the next few seasons. Now if only they'd stop with the damn F word...... 😡

Next up, TsubaKana. This one seems more like it was one-sided feelings on Tsubasa's part, judging by how dedicated Kanade was to fighting the Noise. Regardless, you don't just lose all sense of your humanity and self-worth after your "partner" dies. And all that hardcore blushing in the flashbacks and naked cuddling dream sequences... nah, Tsubasa was hella hot for Kanade. Sadly, our lord and savior was taken from Ms. Brooding too soon.

Finally, there's Ryoko Sakurai, the DRS's head scientist. She was initially hinted to be gay, what with her being all too eager to have Hibiki undress and wanting to "pop her cherry" (yes, an adult said that to a 15 year-old). However, after a certain conversation occurred, it seemed more like she was straight or at least bisexual, if all that dirty talk wasn't just teasing.

I've heard future seasons introduce more potential couples, so I'm keeping my eyes open and my yuri goggles on tight 😋

Conclusion:

I enjoyed the first season of Senki Zesshou Symphogear through and through. As someone who enjoyed Akanesasu Shoujo and Magical Girl Spec-Ops Asuka, I have a soft spot for shows about badass girls kicking monster ass and unleashing their inner yuri. Overall though, I think Symphogear might be my favorite of the bunch so far. It has its fair share of flaws, sure, but I think its positives outweigh the negatives by a long shot. If I got this much enjoyment out of the first season, I cannot wait to see what the following seasons have to offer!

Symphogear delivers a fun, action-packed story with colorful characters, kickass fight scenes, head-banging music and plenty of yuri content. Anyone who loves Magical Girls or Shounen battle shows needs to check it out!

Rating: 8/10

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go binge Symphogear G. See you next time, my fellow yuri lovers!

[loftec]

I was really hoping to update NTW this weekend, but it’s looking less and less likely... so, here’s something else.

I found an alternate season 6/7 thing I started outlining when that whole mess went down, like just ideas for how Ian’s storyline could have worked out after season 5 (I would have included the other characters too, but honestly I don’t know what they’ve been up to since I stopped watching. Fiona bought a building. For some reason. I don’t want to know.).

So I’ve added some stuff for season 8 and 9, and since I’m probably never going to write it I thought I’d just share it for laughs.

May the 4th be with you!

Alt Shameless after season 5

Ian is on his meds and since he broke up with Mickey because he thought he’d be better off alone, he doesn’t go looking for new boyfriends.

He sleeps around a lot though.

He doesn’t have a lot of storyline, because he’s mostly clammed up and moping around, and his family keep assuming that it’s because of his meds.

Maybe four episodes in, something happens at work that makes Ian seek out an LGBT+ group, where he meets Trevor at a charity event. They work together all day and really hit it off, they have some similar interests (interests!), and they end up talking about a lot of things (things!). At the end of the day, Trevor asks him out, and Ian says yes before he’s remembered that he doesn’t do that stuff.

He’s nervous about the date and drinks a couple of beers before Trevor even shows up, he gets piss drunk and wakes up the next day in a strange room.

It’s Trevor’s bedroom, and Trevor comes in with coffee, telling him that Ian was pretty much drunk when he showed up and barely able to stand on his own two legs by the time they left. He doesn’t know where he lives, so he took him home for the night.

Ian tells him about being on meds, and that’s why he got so drunk so fast.

Trevor thinks he could have just told him, and Ian says his mental illness pretty much was the reason his old relationship didn’t work out.

Trevor asks if it was Mickey. Ian wonders what Trevor knows about it.

“You may have mentioned him last night.”

Ian says yeah, and is quick to correct him when Trevor assumes that it was Mickey who left.

“I broke up with him, thought it was the best for the both of us at the time… also don’t think I expected it to last. We usually find our way back.”

“But not this time?”

“He’s in prison. Fifteen years.”

It’s the first time he says it out loud.

Trevor says he’s not interested in starting a relationship with someone who’s clearly still in love with their ex (and Ian kinda smiles, because it’s true and it’s so nice that someone else can see it and accept it and take it seriously). But, he says, you do look like you could use a friend, and not to brag, but I make an excellent friend. He does the cheesy handshake, re-introduction thing (where we find out his last name!) and they agree to be friends.

(Turns out Trevor is estranged from his family, and after maybe a shaky start, he finds a natural spot in the Gallagher clan and becomes part of some of the other plot points throughout the season.)

Ian’s storylines can be about his work, and about stuff happening at the LGBT+ youth center, and they get into hijinks, but nothing super serious (or illegal!!).

Ian at some point has a big moment with Yevgeny, where he comes to terms with no longer being a parent, and maybe even thinking that it’s for the best. (Svetlana and her thrupple storyline can basically be the same, but end differently. With the three of them happy and together, and Yevgeny thinking of Kev as his dad. It’s not ideal, but neither is Yev being sad about his dad being in prison.) Maybe Ian talks to Svetlana about Mickey, maybe finding out for the first time that they aren’t married anymore. We don’t find out what Ian thinks or feels about this.

Throughout the second half of the season. Whenever the Gallaghers gather and Ian isn’t there, they wonder where he is and try to reach him, letting it go when he doesn’t answer.

But after it happens too many times to be a coincidence, they start wondering. Maybe Lip and Fiona talk about it, worrying about Ian having a low, or a high, but not knowing if they should intervene.

Lip talks to Trevor, and tells him more about Ian’s bipolar. Trevor denies having noticed anything going on, and maybe even questions if Lip has any right telling him Ian’s personal stuff.

(Also, I think it would be really nice for Trevor to have a romantic/sexy storyline... so I wouldn’t mind Trevor and Ian starting a friends with benefits relationship, deciding on the terms of it before they start it. Or, Trevor starts a relationship with someone else. Depends on how much drama one wants. Trevor could develop unrequited feelings. If one wants. But personally I think it would be more fun for everyone involved if he was allowed to fall in love with someone else.)

Last episode of the season, they’ve had some big plot point resolved by the Gallaghers getting together and working it out as a goddamned team, and they’re all sitting on the porch steps when a police car stops outside their house.

The officer tells them that Ian is on record as having visited Mickey in prison, and Lip is like, yeah, maybe a couple of times a year ago, what’s that got to do with anything? And the officer says, no, he’s visited once a week for the past six months. And Mickey has escaped. And they have a warrant to search their house.

The Gallaghers sit packed together on the couch watching the news as the officers search through the house, and on the TV we get the whole scoop. There has been a massive prison break and like 40 highly dangerous inmates have escaped, Mickey amongst them.

BOOM. Credits.

Season seven.

Throughout the season, we get like comedic side story lines about the police and the escaped inmates basically roaming the streets. Potentially outrageous and lots of opportunity to oscillate between slapstick comedy and high-stakes drama.

Ian waits for Mickey to contact him, but it doesn’t happen until maybe a couple of episodes in. TENSION.

Ian has other storylines through the season, but mainly it ends up being his secret rendezvous (plural, frequent, in-depth, sexy) with Mickey where they get to spend time together, talk. Bonus if they try to “be friends” for a while, because they don’t talk about the important stuff and they don’t know where they have each other, and they don’t know what’s going to happen. It doesn’t last long, culminating in an explosively passionate love scene.

At some point, Ian is approached by an FBI agent, telling him they have a deal for Mickey if he turns himself in and gives them info on the other escapees. Ian says he’s not in contact with Mickey and even if he was, Mickey would never snitch.

Later on, he talks to Mickey about their future. Mickey explains that the gang he joined in prison are escaping across the border to Mexico, and he has to go with them. Ian says he’ll come with Mickey, but Mickey is firmly against it.

He wants Ian to come with him, of course, but he doesn’t want that life for Ian. No security, a life of crime, on the lam. He kind of gets why Ian broke up with him, now, if this is anything like what he felt at the time, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Ian pleads with him, telling him that breaking up is something he’s only ever regretted since he did it.

Yeah, but what other choice have we got?

Ian tells him about the deal, and takes out two gold bands he’s bought from a pawnshop. If they get married, they can be put in the witness protection program together, and start over.

Mickey agrees, to Ian’s great surprise, and they end the season being shipped off to an unknown location as the busload of prisoners get apprehended on the way to Mexico (cartoonish, but with a little bit of work and research, maybe could be an acceptably goofy and almost realistic plot point).

(For Drama, Mickey could be with the prisoners when they’re apprehended, and he’s shot dead by the police. Cut to Ian being in the ambulance that picks him up, and Mickey is still sitting in his body bag, all bloodied, as they suck face and the FBI drive them to their new location.)

Season 8

Ian and Mickey try to start a new life and it turns completely ridiculous (like, imagine a mix between IASIP where Mac and Dennis are in the house with the Mac & Cheese mixed with like, Suburgatory, or Weeds, or whatever. Two gay South Side kids suddenly trying to make a life for themselves in some middle class suburb somewhere, and they hate it and it all goes to shit. But they love each other and get each other through it.)

The hardship they face in their new life doesn’t come from them, (it’s from situations and circumstance, and other people being impossible) and every time something happens it only leads them to break down another barrier by eventually talking about their feelings and hopes for the future, and thoughts about the past. And I want them specifically to talk about Yevgeny, how hard it was for Mickey to feel anything good about him at first, but now he misses him like he’s missing a limb. Them trying to be a wholesome couple in a suburb somewhere is an unmitigated disaster, but it does help them get a lot closer to each other and work through their problems, and their past.

And then through some Shameless™ retcon, something suddenly makes it possible for them to return back home. Or maybe they’re just like, fuck this, is there anyone stopping us from just grabbing our shit and going home?? No. So they do.

Yevgeny is part of the reason why they return. They move in to the apartment above the Alibi at first, and Mickey can work with Svetlana in the bar and cook up semi-illegal side-hustles with Kev. 

Everybody they know are on their side, denying everything in true South Side style if anyone asks about them, once again solidifying the core concept of the show; we take care of family.

The whole thing where they’re possibly in danger from the Mexican cartel looking to exact revenge for Mickey snitching (if they ever find out that he’s alive) could be played for laughs and brushed off, until it might come back and create more Drama in a later season, if needed, before being permanently resolved.

Characters thinking they’re invincible and being stupid about stuff like this is fine, I think, if they do it for a good reason.

[bigskydreaming]

AU where in the first season of each of their respective shows, Scott McCall and Tyler Lockwood run into each other after they both skip town and go off on their own because literally every other werewolf they know is an asshole. And like, granted, Tyler’s an asshole too at that point, but in a ‘he’ll grow out of it’ kinda way, and I mean...enter Scott McCall. Hashtag Growth happens immediately for both. Tyler’s like “No dude, you gotta be more selfish. Look out for number one, you know?”

Scott squints. “I’m number one?” He says slowly, in classic ‘I’m the hot girl?’ tone and cadence, as though the idea has never occurred to him before. 

“You’re totally number one, champ,” Tyler says affirmatively, because like...he has eyes, and also has known Scott for longer than five minutes now and thus its pretty obvious that this is in fact true. Also, Tyler is at this point still the kind of asshole who says things like “champ”, and like....not even in an ironic way.

Then the next day Tyler’s an asshole to someone who doesn’t deserve it and Scott looks at him sadly.

“I don’t know how to tell you this dude, but like, you gotta care about other people,” he says. Tyler frowns. Contemplates this.

“Okay,” he says and shrugs, and its pretty much that simple because I mean, he legit literally just needed someone to tell him that. Have you met his parents? They’re AWFUL. I mean they were. Haha, they died. I mean oh no. Much sadness.

They form their own pack and its awesome and eventually that gay werewolf dude from The Originals, Aiden, joins up with them - but only because he brings his vampire boyfriend Josh along with him. I don’t really care about Aiden, but Josh was cool, ergo, I guess Aiden can stay. What is it with white werewolf dudes named Aiden anyway? There are other names, guys. Branch out. Live a little.

They then go to Canada for awhile and run into the werewolves from Bitten. 

“Yeah, this seems like a whole mess,” Tyler says, gesturing vaguely in a way meant to encompass every fucked up thing that is wrong with the werewolves in the world of Bitten.

“I just remembered I left the stove on. Sorry, we gotta go,” Scott says, backing away slowly. Their pack turns and leaves *vague hand gestures* All That behind.

They then go to New York and meet the Shadowhunters and Downworlders. Shenanigans ensue, and in the process, they wind up in like, Valentine’s dungeons where they stumble across and rescue Luke Garroway. 

“Wait, aren’t you that werewolf cop?” Josh asks, confused. Luke frowns.

“What? Why the hell would I be a cop? Oh, you must mean that doppelganger Valentine hired to be me to keep any of my old Shadowhunters allies or Clary’s mom to look for me. Wait, he’s a cop? Man, FUCK that guy.”

“Fuck doppelgangers, dude,” Tyler agrees, nodding sagely. Scott cocks an eyebrow at him in query.

“They just really suck,” Tyler says, with feeling. Scott nods. Well okay then. Fuck doppelgangers.

Luke joins their pack and the novelty of knowing an adult werewolf who doesn’t completely suck isn’t wearing off any time soon. Who knew that was a thing? They begin to have hope that being a werewolf isn’t synonymous with turning into a douchebag on your twenty-first birthday. Especially Tyler. He like literally JUST un-douchefied himself.

They then go wherever the fuck that show The Gates was set. There’s a whole pack there, and they don’t seem completely awful, but then there’s this one werewolf kid named Brett. Scott goes still. 

“Do you have a twin brother?” He asks Brett. Brett scowls.

“What the fuck kind of a question is that? No.”

“Oh, sorry,” Scott says. “It’s just you look a lot like this guy I knew back home, Jackson.”

“Well I’m not him and I don’t have a twin brother,” Brett says with unnecessary aggression that is doing nothing to assuage comparisons to Jackson. Like, chill. It was just a question.

“Oh no! He must be a doppelganger! Sorry, we have to go, we left the water running in the sink,” Tyler yells, standing up and sweeping Scott off his feet and over one shoulder while hollering over the other as he runs off into the night. The rest of their pack look at each other in confusion, shrug, and run after them. Because like, that probably means something, they figure. The Gates pack stares after them with varying expressions of wtf.

“Fucking weirdos,” Brett scoffs then. He goes back to being just The Worst Ever.

Then they wind up in Seattle, where they meet the roommates from Being Human. The American version obviously, I mean, not to be US centric but they’re not going to fucking London just to run into more werewolves, An American Werewolf in London honestly just wasn’t good enough to justify the endless jokes about American werewolves going to London, like, get over it already, let it go.

Werewolf Josh is decent enough. They consider inviting him to join their pack. Then his vampire roommate Aidan gets home, and he’s like, a whole serial killer and a half. So.

“Oh no, I left an unwrapped burrito from 7-11 in the microwave, its gonna go bad!” Vampire Josh shouts in horror, throwing Scott over one shoulder, Tyler over the other, sweeping his boyfriend up in his arms bridal style and then backing into Luke until the older man sighs, hates everything, makes plans to buy a gas-economical SUV because being a werewolf suburban soccer mom is still less undignified than being given piggy back rides by their token vampire when he runs out of arms and shoulders. Then Josh sprints all the way outside the Seattle city limits before stopping and dropping his passengers off as the rest of their pack gathers around them.

“What was wrong with this one?” Asks Tommy Dawkins, the werewolf from Big Wolf on Campus. He and Scott make up the pack’s “Wholesome Jocks In Recovery Post Asshole BFF-endectomy” club. Luke told all the teens that home-schooling was fine, but they still needed extracurriculars. This was not what he had in mind, but well. Baby steps.

“Terrible judge of character,” Scott explains. “Has philosophical debates with his vampire roommate about said vampire roommate’s triple digit body count.”

“Ahh.”

“Am I the only vampire who isn’t just ‘oh look at me, I can go homicidal at the drop of a hat and kill scores of people and then click my heels together and go whoops, all better now, man, THAT was a bad decade for me, huh?’ Am I? AM I?” Josh wails, hiccuping between sobs. Like all vampires, he is very pretty 90% of the time, but he’s a super ugly crier. It’s wonderfully humanizing. Gross, and like, dude gets snot everywhere, but there is an Official Pack Rule. Nobody tell Josh about the ugly crying. Plus, its just a cheap shot, you know? Its not his fault 99% of other vampires use their Pretty for evil.

“Josh,” Tyler says solemnly, putting his arms on both the vampire’s shoulders and looking him gravely in the eye. “I hate to have to tell you this, but I think that like. Yeah. You might just be...The One.”

“Wait no, I heard about this one vampire who’s supposed to not be awful? Down in LA I think,” says Mark, from Lost Girl. He’s not actually a werewolf, he’s a shapeshifter who turns into a black panther. They ran into his dad first, a werewolf named Dyson, but they all sensed he was Horrible within the first five seconds. Except before Luke could say he forgot to feed his goldfish, they gotta go, they bumped into Dyson’s non-awful bisexual panther teenage son and well like. They had to save him from the Horrible then. Like, technically they kidnapped him? Whatever, all their role models were terrible people.

Josh looks up, hopeful. He rubs at his face with his forearm but doesn’t really clean up the snot so much as get it everywhere. Several werewolves wince and look away politely. Mark is scrolling through something on his phone, seemingly oblivious.

“Did you seriously just leave that on a cliffhanger?” Luke scolds. Mark looks up belatedly.

“What? Oh, no. Its just supposedly he only has a soul sometimes, and when he has a soul he’s supposed to be like, a pretty decent guy, but when he doesn’t have a soul, he’s like....a maniacal ax murderer on murder-steroids. Its this whole thing apparently. I follow this demon on twitter who owns a bar down there. He posts weekly updates on whether or not the guy has his soul this week....calls it Soulwatch. I guess the last couple times the dude didn’t have his soul he almost ended the world or something? So anyway, lotta people like updates on that, since I guess he and that vampire are good buds or whatever.”

“He doesn’t have a soul sometimes?” Tyler scowls skeptically. “That sounds fake.”

“Do you have a soul?” A nameless werewolf extra from True Blood asks Josh. 

Josh hiccups and gropes around at his chest, frowning. 

“I think so? Nobody ever told me I might not, I don’t know. Like I mean, I feel like I have a soul, I’m pretty sure?”

“He clutches his stomach and goes ‘ow my heart’ when that Sarah McLachlan commercial with the sad puppies comes on TV,” his boyfriend says helpfully. 

“That’s not where the heart is....” someone starts to say, but they’re quickly shushed. Scott, Tommy and Luke are all clutching their stomachs and nodding in understanding. Tyler rubs his temples.

“Josh, you have a soul. You literally burst into song every time you see a baby smile, and last month you guilt-tripped us all into volunteering with you at that pediatric hospital which means we heard nothing but you singing showtunes and Christmas carols for an entire week straight. In July. Mark, does your demon twitter follower say this vampire has his soul this week or not? Are we going to LA next? And someone please hit me for having to utter that sentence in the first place, it’ll make me feel better, please just do it.”

Sophia Donner, the only decent werewolf from the almost entirely werewolf-populated town of Wolf Lake, helpfully kicks him in the shin.

“What?” Mark looks up again, baffled. “Dude, he doesn’t follow ME on twitter, are you kidding? He has like, six hundred thousand twitter followers.” 

“Really? Why so many?” Tommy asks.

“He has this thing where he can like, see your future or your aura or some shit like that when you sing. So karaoke night at his bar is always packed with lots of A-List celebs obsessed with the occult. Its like, impossible to get into cuz of that unless you know someone, but it means everyone who’s anyone in Hollywood follows him on twitter and is always trying to hit him up and get on the list, and so like, of course all their followers follow him too even if they don’t know why everyone follows him, they just figure obviously he must be someone important?”

“Ahh.”

“People,” Tyler barks. “Focus.”

He looks around for Scott, wondering why the hell he’s the only one trying to get a handle on this. He eventually finds Scott at the edge of their little gathering. Fucker’s holding up his cell phone and recording everything. He shoots Tyler a thumbs up and mouths “You’re doing amazing, sweetie” at him. Tyler would be pissed, but like, he was the one who made it his mission to get Scott to occasionally be more of a selfish asshole specifically so....nah. Fuck it. He was gonna be pissed anyway.

“Ummm,” Mark hedges some more, still scrolling through his phone. He frowns then, and shoots Josh an apologetic glance. “Sorry. Looks like he’s soulless again this week.”

Scott decides to intervene then, looking suddenly concerned. “Uh...does that mean he might maybe almost destroy the world again? Should we go to LA anyway and like...I dunno. Try and help?”

“Help who?” Tyler demands, throwing up his arms in exasperation at the whole day. This is what he gets for getting out of bed, like. Ever. Nothing good comes from getting out of bed. When will he learn?

“I don’t know. Don’t get testy with me,” Scott bites out testily. “The people. Who try and...stop him from destroying the world? Obviously world’s not destroyed so somebody must have stopped him the last couple times which means someone’s probably trying to stop him this time too.”

“Or he could just be really bad at it,” Tommy suggests.

“Nope, we’re good,” Mark interrupts, still on his phone. “It says they’ve got him magically locked up in some hotel so he can’t go anywhere while they wait for their witch friend to bring his soul back and put it in him. I guess after the last time they put like, a low-jack spell on it so if it went missing again it’d just go straight to her, since she’s the only one good at putting it back anyway.”

“Well then,” Tyler says after a moment or two to digest the concept of a low-jacked soul. “That was a super efficient tangent. Are we all good here now at least? Can we move on and like....go somewhere not within range of a serial killer vampire who’s probably miffed at us for being rude and committing some hospitality faux pas?”

Josh sniffs and rubs at his face again, this time with more success. “Yeah, sorry. I’m all good now.”

“Well I’m not,” Aiden yells out then, apparently taking the all-clear on his boyfriend’s issue as a go ahead to vent his own drama. “Am I the only Aiden who isn’t just a complete asshole??”

“I mean, you’re kinda an asshole sometimes too,” Sophia says, idly chewing a nail.

“Not helpful, Soph,” Scott scolds gently. She shrugs.

“Wasn’t trying to be.”

“Let’s start a pack, you said,” Tyler growls, glaring daggers at his co-alpha. Scott smirks back without remorse. “It’ll be good for us, you said. There’s probably lots of other teen wolves in the same boat as us, you said. Shouldn’t we help them, you said.”

“I did say all that,” Scott agrees. He saunters off, you know, like an asshole.

Two weeks later they’re not far from LA. The vampire has his soul this week and everyone wants to go celeb-watching at the demon dude’s karaoke night. Luke knows a guy who can get them in, apparently. They stop to help a hitchhiking teenage werewolf in trouble because like, Scott has a sixth sense for that shit. 

“So what’s your name?” Tyler asks the kid.

“Derek Hale,” he says, and Tyler squints. Why does that name sound familiar. Next to him, Scott hisses like an angry cat. Oh. Right. That.

“You’re not Derek Hale,” Scott accuses, and the kid bristles right back at him. Tyler watches, bemused. Was this a Beacon Hills thing? Or did all of them look like that when having like....what was this, a territorial pissing match? Angsty backstory showdown? What was even happening here, exactly?

“I think I would know, dickface.”

“Look, I’ve met Derek Hale, and he’s like, twenty five, and an asshole,” Scott says. “You can’t be Derek Hale, because you’re like, fifteen, and adorable.”

“Fuck you, I’m seventeen, and fuck you more, I’m not adorable, I will fucking rip your throat out with my teeth, dickface.”

“See? I’m supposed to be quaking in my shoes right now but all I wanna do is pat you on the head and hug you and feed you, because that was adorable,” Scott says, pointing at him. “Ergo, you can’t be Derek Hale, because all I ever wanted to do to that dude was kick him in the nuts for being an asshole who’s all like breaking into my house to tell me we’re brothers now or whatever the fuck that was all about, and then breaking my arm and trashing my phone two seconds later.”

The kid goes quiet. Squints at him. “Wait. Is your name Scott McCall?”

Scott frowns deeper and folds his arms across his chest, shifting awkwardly. He has trouble maintaining his like, Righteous Ire even when he’s definitely in the right, and adorable kid being adorable and no longer even aggressive was making his temper go bye-bye.  Ugh, rude. Scotty Rage was hot, and all too rare. Tyler officially hated this kid. Why does he never get to have nice things?

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

The kid fidgets, sullen. “Heard about you. I told you, I am Derek Hale. I just got like, magically de-aged by my pedo ex-girlfriend who’s now even more pedo and creepier and like...whatever, I don’t even know what the fuck that was all about but like yeah. Apparently older me was a huge douchebag and your name came up as proof of his douchebaggery and I booked it awhile ago because like, nobody could figure out how to turn me back and I figured if I gotta be seventeen again at least I’m gonna be seventeen somewhere where people don’t all think I’m a douchebag because of what older not!me Derek the Dickhead did. You know?”

“Not even a little bit,” Tyler says.

“Kinda,” Scott says. He gnaws his lip. “That sucks. Well. You hungry? We were about to go get some dinner. Wanna come with?”

Derek the Littler Dick stares at him before shooting Tyler an incredulous glance. “Is he for real?”

“Unfortunately,” Tyler deadpans. Scott frowns defensively.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Dude, you just hated me like ten whole seconds ago.”

“I didn’t know who you were ten seconds ago,” Scott shrugs, as though that explains everything. Problem is, in his head it probably did. Freak, Tyler thinks affectionately.

“Yeah but now you do know who I am and now you know I’m someone you hate? So....?”

“No, you used to be someone I hate,” Scott explains slowly, as if to a small child. “You said it yourself, you’re not really him. Besides, I decided I’m over it anyway.”

“You decided you’re....over it. Anyway.” LDD repeats, breaking it down slowly. As if to a small child. Oh, this is going to be amazing, isn’t it. The other half of Tyler’s future home entertainment gifts him with another incredulous look, like, are you sure this guy is for real? Tyler nods in confirmation.

“He’s just...like that. It’s so weird.”  

“Fine,” Derek huffs at last, over aggressively because why stray from a theme, yeah? “But this better not be some fucked up elaborate revenge plan for older me being a dick or like...”

“You’ll rip my throat out with your teeth,” Scott says dryly. The kid sulks.

“Well of course it sounds lame when you say it like that.”

“You still have baby fat,” Scott tells him. Derek shifts into an enraged were-porcupine.

“I so the fuck do not!”

“You have like, chubby little baby werewolf chipmunk cheeks.”

“Asshole!”

“I know you are but what am I?”

“That’s so stupid! You’re so stupid! What are you, twelve?”

“No, that’s you. Look in a mirror, short stuff.”

“Oh god,” Tyler despairs, staring after the two of them walking off towards the rest of the pack. “They’re brothers now.”

[pjdredful]

The AV Club

Chapter 4

I know something isn't quite right the second we pull in to the oil stained lot. It's quieter than usual, like ghost town quiet. Even the neon open light seems dimmer. And just as I think it the letters give a few weak flickers and go out. Well that's not ominous or anything. Mo parks the car at the end of the row under the only working light. It too flickers and goes out. "Alright that shit is getting creepy." We all nod our agreement with Orson and sigh collectively. "What if he's not here?"

 "He's here." This is probably the only bar in town that will let him in the door. The roaring of a motorcycle breaks our tension filled silence and I watch as one of the regular patrons pulls in to the lot, parks and heads for the interior. With a start I realize I can see everything about him perfectly fine despite the dark lenses of the sunglasses. Hm. Bonus. "Well at least we know it's open. Let's go." No one moves and I glance around. "What?"

 "You won't get past the door, Evie." It's not the eyes. Well not entirely the eyes. I do have a wee bit of a history with police here. I slump back into the seat with a sigh. "Orson and Mo can go in. I'll go around back and make sure he doesn't try to weasel out. Something tells me he's not going to be too cooperative." Nat is right. Warrow won't help for nothing and even then it's not exactly willingly. "Which begs the question, what do we do once we're face to face with him?"

 Well we can't talk to him here that's for sure. "I'd like to keep this a little more private than an open parking lot. Maybe we should take him to the clubhouse." I hate the idea of taking him there. It's our place and there's no telling what his sticky fingers will relieve of us. It's not like he doesn't know the value of some of our gear. He's sold us a good portion of it. Nat rubs his chin with his shoulder and sighs.

 "I don't like it but I don't see anywhere better. We all good with that?" We don't exactly have committee votes but everyone has a say when it comes to the clubhouse. We're all equally invested in the stuff we've got there. Something that makes me wish we had better security. Perhaps like locking doors. Or you know. Glass in the windows. "Okay then, you and Lirae sit tight." The doors slam shut around us as the boys get out. It rocks the car a little and I'm suddenly aware that we're alone in the dark. Again.

 "So what'd your mom's journal say?" Well that's not any less awkward but it certainly breaks the quiet between us. I raise a shoulder in a shrug and sigh softly.

 "I didn't get a chance to read much. It's a little heartbreaking." She reaches out and squeezes my hand and I give her a half smile of thanks. "Honestly I just want to hide in my closet and read it cover to cover but I don't think we've got enough time for that right now." The pressure in my head gives a nasty throb reminding me that it's still there making me miserable. "You know that feeling I get when something is out there?" She nods slowly. "It's like I can feel everything out there now. Not just flashes, but this overwhelming weight of darkness. And I'm scared."

 Lirae scoots closer and reaches up to turn my face to hers. Her fingers graze lightly over my jaw and I meet her eyes through the lenses of the sunglasses. "Hey, you're not alone. We got your back. Even Orson." She smirks at that and I roll my eyes. But it does make me smile a little and I nod feeling slightly better. Sitting hand in hand doesn't hurt my mood either. She flirts with me a lot. She always has and I've never taken it seriously because Lirae flirts with EVERYONE. It's just how she is and why I never really take her playful seatbelt groping with more than a grain of salt. But right now, and just before I became a giant metaphysical flashlight, I feel like there's something deeper between us than the teasing gestures everyone else sees.

 "You know its dangerous being my friend, right?" It hasn't all been a bucket of cuddly laughs. There have been extremely weird happenings in our town. Ghosts, poltergeists, golems, possessions, imps, oh and even a demon goat. I blame Orson for that one. Needless to say it's at the very least scary being around me and getting caught up in what's attracted to me but my friends are here and none of them seem to mind. Weirdos.

 "Can't speak for anyone else but it's never boring being around you." That goes without saying. She shrugs a bit leaving it at that for a second. "Do you remember when we first met?"

 I've known Nat and Mo most of my life. I've even known Orson since the sixth grade. He was just as much of an obnoxious butthead then as he is now. But I only met Lirae at the start of freshman year. I give her a mild look. "Before or after you stole my lunch money?"

 "You're never going to let that go are you?" Well. No. She stole my lunch money. "Fine I will buy you lunch, will that make up for it?"

 "It's been like four years, you don't think there's interest on that?" She throws up her free hand in exasperation and groans.

 "Fine! I'll throw in dessert but that's my final offer." I'm good with that. I give her a wide grin and relax deeper into my seat. I'm only vaguely aware of other cars finally trickling in to the lot around us. "My whole point was that when we first met I thought you were such a hot mess."

 "Thanks. Very much. Nice to know." She chuckles and reaches out to playfully tug one of my braided pigtails. It’s her thing. Some people hug, some people playfully punch, some people cuddle. Lirae likes playing with my pigtails. It’s probably why I wear them so often.

 "I had every intention of bullying you every day for the rest of high school, or as long as I managed to stay before getting expelled, because you were such an easy target." Oh. Really? Even better. I'm liking this conversation less and less.

 "So what changed your mind?" Because after that first lunch incident she never hassled me. Not even a little. And then one day she became one of my biggest defenders. No reason given just one day she was my friend and that was that.

 "You did. You weren't like anyone else at that school. It's like you didn't care what anyone said about you or your mom. And like all of the gay bullying crap. You didn't care about how anyone treated you, you just…kept being Evie. I know some of the things people said hurt. I probably would have punched a lot of guys in the junk for some of the things they've said but it doesn't seem to faze you. And it doesn't stop you from helping those same jackasses even if they don't deserve it, even if they hurt you. I love that about you."

 She's talking about Orson. He was one of my worst tormentors. His favorite prank was to steal one tire off my bike so that walking it home was impossible. Yeah. He's THAT guy. Sophomore year he thought it would be brilliant to get drunk with the football team and summon a demon. I'm not entirely sure how Mr. Kicks, the school mascot, was involved but he became the newly conjured demon's host. Hence. Demon goat. "Being an idiotic jerk shouldn't be a death sentence." Not that I didn't think about letting that goat give Orson a good poking with his horns but I just shrug it off with a light smile. "People are dicks, Lirae. You know that. Getting hurt is just part of life, it sucks super hard sometimes, but you just have to keep going."

 "I don't want to hurt you, Evie." Somehow I feel like we're talking about something different, deeper now. "You're the only person I trust to get my back. I don't want to lose that or you." It occurs to me even as I close the distance between us that the guys could be back any second.

 "Kinda right here." Just in case she needed the reminder. I don’t know what’s happening. I really don’t. One minute we’re sitting next to each other the next I’m practically in her lap. Our lips touch and I realize I really don't care if they do come back. There's a breathless second where Lirae is still and I think maybe I misread things. Then she sighs almost happily and deepens the kiss.  The uncertainty vanishes and we melt into each other, as if this weren't the most inopportune time to decide to make out. I nibble her lower lip a little, making Lirae's breath catch. It makes me feel just a little smug. And grateful for all those summers I had to be the boy when my bunkmates wanted to play Date Night at Camp Little Hawk.

 Of course that smug gratefulness evaporates the second something heavy crashes in to the side of the car, causing both of us to scream and jerk apart. Something dark and lumpy shaped scrambles over the hood of the car and we scream again when another heavy weight bounces us a second time in pursuit of the lumpy thing. "Hey!! Watch the hood." It's Mo and that's when I realize the lumpy thing was Warrow, and the yellow streak chasing him must be Orson in his favorite hooded sweatshirt. There's the sound of bodies hitting the hard ground and grunts of pain and cursing. I practically crawl over Lirae's lap to spill out the door of the car.

 I'm not entirely sure which limbs belong to Warrow and which belong to the boys because they're in a tangled heap, rolling around on the ground all punching and kicking each other. After a few yelps and grunts Nat and Orson manage to wrangle Warrow to his feet. Mo limps towards us with a mutter and a bloody lip. "Found him."

 "Le' go of me ye brats." Warrow struggles against Orson and Nat but they hold him firmly between them. He looks up then from the struggling and notices me standing there. "YOU! Are ye crazy?! I cannae be seen with ye. Ye'll be me death!" I frown slightly at that but there isn't time to question it now. We're starting to make an awful lot of noise. "The sigil! Put it on fer the love of Mary!" The sigil? Oh! I almost smack my head at my own stupidity. The rune. If it started the light it might be the thing that stops it. "Quickly now!" His panic sparks a deep unease in my guts. For a second I don't know where it is but my mother's journal is thrust in to my hands and I open the book, letting the necklace fall from its pages in to my hand. I haven't so much as looked at it since this all began. I guess I'm a little afraid of what might happen. Quickly I yank the chain over my head and settle the medallion against my skin. The pain in the back of my head starts to dissipate almost immediately and I groan in relief, slumping against the side of the car.

 It's suddenly too dark and I pull the sunglasses off my face. Warrow's heavy brow scrunches down even further and for a second I can see a shadow shape around his head and the hint of nervously beating shadow wings. They're gone when I blink so I almost dismiss it at an overstimulated imagination. Almost. "We had better get out of here. Get him in the car."

 "I'm not going anywhere with you. This is kidnapping ye know. They arrest people fer that…" It's an empty threat and we all know it. I snort at that and shake my head.

 "Oh please like you'd willingly speak to the police about anything." I have him there and he knows it too. We manage to smoosh in to the car, our smelly friend wedged between Orson and I. Lirae wedges herself between the me and the car, our thighs pressed tightly against each other reminding me that just a few seconds ago we totally made out. Warrow glares from his spot beside me and grunts. I feel like he can read my thoughts and I shove them to the furthest corner of my mind for now. "How did you know this would work?" I hold the rune up a little and he goes a little green. We all slam back in the seats as Mo burns rubber peeling out of the lot just as customers start wandering out to see what all the commotion is about.

 "Ye're the damned Beacon. Always knew ye'd find out bu' never thought ye'd be so damned stupid 'bout it." Hey, I kind of resent that and it makes me want to be a little mean. "They'll kill me just fer talking to ye. Ye've signed me death warrant, ye have."

 "I guess we better not let them see you then. Pull over Mo." Mo gives me a questioning look but finds a dark and quiet stretch of road to pull over on. "Put him in the trunk."

 "Hell yeah. This asshole messed up my jacket! You know how mad my grandmama is gonna be? Get up fool!" Orson opens the door and drags Warrow out by the scruff of his jacket. I can hear Nat and Orson struggling with Warrow as they shove him in the back. The trunk slams and faint banging can be heard even over the sounds of the boys getting back in the car. "I dunno what got in to you, Bacon, but I kind of like it." I glance at Lirae out of the corner of my eye but say nothing.

 "We can't just leave him there forever." Mo pulls back out on to the road but flashes me a look in the rearview mirror. I don't plan to leave him there forever I just didn't feel like sitting next to him anymore. He smells.

 "Just until we get to the clubhouse. He obviously knows something I don't." I'm pretty sure the glow is gone from my eyes now judging by the utterly average night vision I now have. The closer we get to the clubhouse the less sure I am about things. I mean. I feel better, my head isn't killing me but, I still feel unsettled and I'm not entirely sure I want the answers to all my questions. What if I find out something horrible? Like I'm not human or something. The car bounces along the gravel track but for the sounds of thumping and cursing from the trunk it's silent.

 At least we know he hasn't escaped yet. It's not long before we're rolling to a stop in front of the shack. It's only now that I realize how tired I really am. Probably I could sleep for a few weeks straight. I scramble out of the car after Lirae and watch as the boys prepare to open the trunk. It's gotten too quiet and Orson thumps the trunk door. "Listen up, we're gonna open this trunk but if you give us shit I will slam the door right back down. You hearing me?"

 There's no sound from the trunk and we all share a worried look. What if something happened to him back there? I saw Jawbreaker, it could happen! Mo slips the key in the lock and twists, the trunk door pops open with a slow creak, raising slowly. With a tense jerk, Orson yanks the lid up but Warrow is faster than we anticipated. And he found the broken golf club Mo keeps for 'emergencies' in the trunk. Orson doubles over as the wind is knocked out of him from a hard jab of the 9 iron to his gut. Warrow kicks out with a stubby leg catching Nat in the chest and sending him back against his brother.

 He's almost free of the trunk when I do the only thing I know how. I swing my leg up between both of his and kick him soundly in his junk. Warrow's face goes purple and he drops to his knees in the dirt, wheezing. "Sorry!" Kind of. Orson raises a hand and for a minute I blink at it stupidly before realizing he’s waiting for a high five from someone. Oh! It’s me. I almost cautiously bring a hand up and slap it quickly against his as if waiting for him to pull it away on me. He doesn’t. Orson just chuckles a little and grabs Warrow less than kindly to haul him to his feet.

 "Nice." I turn my head at the chuckle beside me and smile at Lirae. "You're all kinds of surprising tonight Evie. Like I said. Never boring." The five of us manage to drag Warrow in to the clubhouse without further incident. He glares at us but is resolutely quiet. Even when dumped unceremoniously in the farting beanbag chair. We all find places to sit before I start off.

 "I'm sorry about this Warrow but I didn't think you'd be particularly willing to help." He says nothing but his glare, if possible, gets darker. "You obviously know a lot more than I do right now and the truth is I really need your help. Please."

 I can see the struggle in his beady little eyes. He's torn between staying quiet out of spite and getting something out of the deal. I raise a brow and lean forward a little to let him know I'm very serious. I'm only a little bothered that he leans back away from me. "And what are ye offering me? Hm? Anything of worth?"

 We have some money but not what he'd ask, and we don't really have much else. Except one thing. "Well we could let you go when we're done talking. Then you'd be free to slink away into whatever dank hidey hole you have. You might even manage to avoid whatever is out there hunting me." I pretend to think on it for a second. "Or we can just parade around town with you, make it real obvious how close of friends we are. Take in a movie, or have a coffee…" I'm betting he doesn't want the latter.  He made it very clear the further he is from me the happier he is. "I might could even hold your hand a little." I try really hard not to let it show how much the idea of doing just that bothers me. I can’t even look at my friends because I know I’ll see the same stink faced look I want to make reflected on each of theirs. Just to make a point I start reaching my hand out to Warrow’s and he pulls it back very quickly.

 Warrow gives a horrified look and hisses out a breath. I lean back a little, readjusting my weight on the arm of the loveseat. "A bargain aye? Ask me questions three, on oath of blood against falsehood, three truths to set me free." That sounds…way more serious than ‘I'll take your word for it’. It sounds like a magic binding. What the actual hell? I don’t repeat the words just in case, I only nod my agreement.

 "What are you?" Damnit! I didn't mean to ask that! Warrow smiles at me knowingly and shrugs lightly.

 "Three truths promised, m'dear. I am a gargoyle. My kind has watched over the affairs of men and demons alike. No secrets can be kept from us for we are the very darkness that covers all things."

 "Shut the front door." That is nothing like the cartoon. Both disappointing and super cool at the same time. Well that's what I get for using Disney cartoons as a point of reference for real life. Orson gives a disappointed grunt and I bite back the chuckle knowing he’s thinking the same thing I am. Focus Evie, Focus!

 "Ye don't have much of one do ye?" Lirae shoots her leg out, kicking him on the sole of his boot in retaliation. Warrow raises his hands in a placating gesture and looks around with sharp little eyes. "Not much in the way of security here at all. Weren't for the consecrated ground, ye'd be sunk for sure." Consecrated ground? We didn't actually know that but I'm going to pretend like we did. "Course it won't keep shifters out. They're a bit of the gray area y'see."

 "Or gargoyles apparently." It's not a question exactly and he gives me a nod of acceptance of that but says nothing more. "So you know all kinds of secret things and you aren't bound by consecrated ground. Good to know. Now. What am I? I mean I know I'm a Beacon but what is that exactly?"

 He gives me a disgusted tsking sound and grunts. "A Beacon? More like The Beacon. Ye're the literal light in the dark. Haven't ye always known ye were different? Dark things and the like, drawn to ye with no reason? I know ye've had the nightmares too. How's the sleep stone workin' fer ye by the way?" I haven't thought about it much with all that's been going on but the magic monkey turd must be working because I can't recall any disturbing dreams. I'm not quite ready to admit that because I have a nauseating feeling that he's waiting to collect on his payment for it. I give him a dismissive wave and glance to my friends, silently asking what they think.

 My eyes land on Nat first, his eager face letting me know he wants to know more. I expect that from him, he's the jump in to the fray guy. Mo looks more wary but he gives a short nod of support to me and I smile. I turn to eye the two other occupants of the loveseat. Lirae bumps my hip with her shoulder and Orson jerks his head in a nod. Okay then. I'm careful how I word things so that I get the right answers. "This has to do with my mom, her journal, her sigil."

 "There a question in there lass?" No. I know this has to do with her and most of the answers I'm looking for are probably in her journal. I just have to buck up and read it. So I guess what I really need to know is how safe I am.

 "If I can see them, they can see me. How much danger am I in now that I'm…this?"

 I don't think he was expecting that question and he cocks his head to one side thinking. "The sigil shields yer light. Safe enough until ye learn to control the curse. If ye can. Yer mam never managed, weren't her fault though. Her Guardian failed her, broke their bond and left her defenseless. The power you carry now, was too much for her then to contain. Made her crazy ye see. If ye don't bond with a Guardian ye'll go the same way as her. That's dangerous enough don't ye think?"

 I swallow thickly barely registering the warm hand giving a reassuring squeeze to my leg. "What Guardian?" He stands with a cocky smirk and waggles a grimy finger at me.

 "Tsk tsk. Three truths given. We're done here I think." Nat stands immediately, ready to fight if necessary but I hold out a hand and shake my head. A deal is a deal. Warrow rubs his stubbled chin, giving me a deeply considering glance. "I'll give ye this fer free since we're such good friends. But after this we've no more business between us save the debt ye owe and best remember, I always collect." I give a slight nod at that and he settles his trench coat better on his shoulders. "Ye already know where to find her Guardian. He's been holding all yer secrets all along."

 In a burst of shadow and a grainy mist, Warrow spins, his shape twisting and roiling like an inky black sand storm. Wings and a body the size of a small pony fill the room and we all hit the deck with confused shouts. Black sulphurous grit swirls around us in the wake of Warrow's downdraft. For a second I'm confused by the softness of the ground until I realize that I'm on top of Lirae. And there are boobs in my hands.

 "Well well…what's going on over here…as you were ladies." I let go like I've been burned and attempt roll off of her without being obvious. My body topples awkwardly to the ground with a thump and we both groan and glance over at Orson in mild irritation. I get up carefully and hold a hand out for Lirae. She doesn't let it go once we're both standing so I just go with it. "Alright then. Maybe next time." Keep on dreaming dude, it's never happening for you. "So what's the plan?"

 "Right now? I just want to go home and sleep. I know I can find answers in mom's journal. Maybe even something to clue me in on this Guardian person." I know Warrow said I already knew the Guardian but that could be anyone I've ever met. It's too vague of a clue and I'm just too tired to try and puzzle it out. "Tomorrow is Saturday so I'll probably be here all day. I'm not really in the mood to be at home too much right now. What about you guys?"

 "I've got an early shift at work but I can be here in the afternoon. I'll bring a couple of pies from Delpino's." Delpino's pizza pies. My mouth is watering already and Mo smiles at me. "Knew that'd cheer you up."

 "Me and Nat have the team breakfast for the booster club. Grandmama is out in La Luz with Petey for the Trinity County Science Finals." Trinity County is where we live, specifically in Temple City. La Luz and Blessing Township are the only other towns around. Three small towns in one small county. "I'll have the truck all day. I think we should pick up a few things to make this place a little more secure now that Warrow's been here."

 He's not wrong. Nat nods his agreement with Orson at that. "Yeah I've got some supplies in the garage we can use. We'll swing by after the breakfast. What about you Lirae?"

 "I'm free, I'll meet Evie at home and we can walk here together." Hm. I'm suddenly aware of the fact that everyone is making an effort to be where I am. As if I shouldn't be alone. I eye them questioningly but no one offers any answers. This is one of those times when they've silently agreed on something I was not privy too. I'm too tired to care so I let it go. We can talk about it in the morning.

[justbelustful]

just a misunderstanding

character: kim donghan // jbj

writer: admin love

genre: smut

summary: you unintentionally make donghan jealous, and then it becomes less accidental. however, donghan has a punishment in mind for you.

warnings: jealous!donghan, dom!donghan, rough sex

word count: 1.7k

a/n: i’m a little out of practice for writing smut, i’m sorry! i love donghan and hopefully i did him justice.

you hadn’t seen donghan in six months. first produce 101 took your boyfriend away and then not long after that he was occupied by jbj. of course you were happy for him, you had never seen him so happy, but you missed him. 

 while he was gone you started to hang out with an old guy friend from high school. he had texted you asking if you wanted to catch up and you agreed because you had nothing better to do with your time. 

 you went out for coffee a couple times and then it became a regular routine. you would hang out often and people on the streets would often mistake you for a couple. 

 you were in the middle of getting lunch together when you got a text from donghan. 

 [bby] 

babe? where you at? i’m home 

 [you] 

i’m out with a friend, i’ll be home shortly 

 [bby] 

 come home soon! i miss my princess 

 you blushed at the pet name. it had been so long since he called you that. “sorry that was my boyfriend texting. can you take me home?” 

 “yeah yeah of course,” 

  you hadn’t even gotten your keys in the doorknob before donghan opened the door himself and pulled you into his embrace. “i missed you” he whispered, inhaling your shampoo. 

 “i missed you too, sorry if i took too long,” you whispered back before letting your purse hit the ground. 

 “movie night?” he asked. 

 “of course,” 

  “so how’s b/f/n?” donghan asked, draping his arm over your shoulder.

 “good i think, i haven’t been hanging out with her much” you replied leaning into his warmth. 

 “i thought you were out with someone?”

 “i was,” you hit his chest, “what? you think i don’t have any other friends?”

 “that’s not it. i just haven’t met anyone else. so, who’s the lucky gal who stole my girlfriend?” 

 “oh it’s mason, we went to school together and we’ve been catching up,”

 “oh” donghan said before turning his attention towards the tv.

 nearing the end of the movie donghan pulled his phone out of his pocket. “i’m sorry babe, apparently we have an emergency practice, i gotta go.” he said pecking your cheeks and grabbing his jacket.

 “it’s okay, i’ll find some way to keep myself entertained.”

 “thanks for understanding, i’ll try and be back early tonight so we can cuddle. i love you!” 

 “i love you too,”

 you pulled out your phone, “hey mason, donghan just had to leave for a schedule, want to go get dinner?” 

 “sure, i’ll pick you up in fifteen,” 

 you fixed your makeup and hair a little so you looked suitable in public. you were cold with the absence of donghan’s warmth, so you found one of his smaller hoodies and put it on, smiling every time you breathed in his scent. 

you heard mason pull up and you took your place in the passenger seat, blasting jbj in mason’s ears. 

 “thanks for hanging out with me so much, i’ve been kinda lonely without donghan,”

 “no problem,” 

 the night went on and you continued to crack jokes when mason tapped your shoulder and pointed behind you. you glanced over your shoulder and saw a guy around your age who was leaning against the wall making obvious stares at mason. “ooh,” you cooed at your red eared friend. “go get him tiger.” 

 “are you sure?”

 “yeah i’ll find someone to pick me up,”

 “thanks y/n” 

 [bby] 

where do you keep disappearing too? are you with mason? 

 [you]

 sorry i got bored.. i’m at the bar a few blocks from our house, come get me?

 [bby] 

 why can’t mason bring you?

 [you] 

 he’s kinda busy.. please baby?

 [bby] 

fine

 you could feel the jealousy in his texts. you smiled to yourself staring at the couple picture as your lock screen. “why would i ever leave you?”

 “princess,” you glanced up to see donghan with his window rolled down. “let’s go” you got in and pecked donghan on the lips.

 “how was dinner?” 

 you thought back to his jealousy earlier and thought of a plan. “it was fun! mason’s really funny and he’s been keeping me company when i got lonely!”  

he cocked a brow, “oh?” 

 “yeah, he’s a great guy!” 

 “that’s nice princess. i’m tired from practice so we can save this for tomorrow?”

 “okay daddy, whatever you say” you saw him visibly tense at the name that you rarely called him.

 “babygirl..” his hand rested now on your thigh with the other on the wheel, “i’m already frustrated enough, don’t bring something on yourself you can’t handle,” his hand gave you thigh a slight squeeze, ghosting his fingers over your heat at almost every stop sign, adding some pressure every now and then to make you squirm. he pulled in the driveway and retracted his hand before getting out of the car. you pouted, you were so close to getting the attention you didn’t know you needed. you went inside and changed into some pajamas, laid on your bed and texted mason.

 “how’s your mysterious lover boy?” 

 [mason] 

his name is elijah and he’s great, i’ll introduce you sometime. don’t steal my man tho 

you giggled, “i don’t think that’ll be a problem. you’re a great man”

 “who are you texting” donghan called. 

 god damn you missed this view. 

 his brown hair was wet and pushed off his forehead, dressed in nothing but gray sweats, he plopped next to you on the bed.

 “i know i look great princess but please answer the question,”

 “mason, he-“ donghan took the phone out of your hand and set it on the table beside him. “how hard is it to get your attention, because for mason it seems pretty easy.” 

 “i texted him first, you kinda left me hanging there in the car,”

 “so you text another guy? real clsssy y/n,” he sighed turning away. 

“donghan seriously? i love you,” 

 “prove it,” he snapped turning towards you, his eyes darker than they were a few moments before. “but like i said in the car, don’t start something you can’t finish” 

 you leaned in connecting your lips. it took almost no time for donghan to respond, pulling you into his lap and holding you close. he pulled away and latched his lips to your neck, quickly finding your sweet spot, causing you to let out a moan. his hands rested on your waist, moving you against his thigh, before ordering you move by yourself. his hands found the buttons on your blouse and started to unbutton it, marking the new exposed area. “d-donghan” you moaned, the pleasure from his thigh bringing you to your edge. 

 “i hate to break it to you baby girl but i think ive become more attached to ‘daddy’” he said against your breasts that he had begun to abuse, “plus i don’t think you deserve to cum yet,” he growled, pulling you off of him and laying you against the bed. he began to massage your breasts, whines leaving your mouth as he did so. 

“i was so close” “i told you not to start something you couldn’t handle.” he smirked, “too late to back out now” he leaned back in to revisit your neck as his fingers found your waist band. he pulled off your shorts and panties, leaving you completely exposed to him. he made his way down to your heat, nipping at the sensitive skin every once in a while. his lips wasted no time kissing your inner thighs, taking the skin between his teeth every so often.

 “please just hurry up,” “princess is impatient tonight. what do we say y/n?” you sighed, the teasing becoming too much, “daddy please just hurry up” “good girl,” he practically pitted against your heat causing you to jump. he took your clit into his mouth and began sucking mercilessly, causing you to start moving and moaning loudly. his hands spread your legs, giving him more access to your heat. he gave kitten licks to the rest of your folds before taking your strip back between his lips, grazing it with his teeth. 

 “i’m so close, please donghan” you said with your hands in his hair, pulling him as close as you could. he pulled away, his fingers entering you instead, pumping slowly. 

“i think you messed up again princess,” 

 “fuck” you muttered, trying to grind against his hand. 

 “i don’t think so,” he said, removing his fingers. his hand made its way to his crotch. “god damn it, look what you did. guess i’m done with my fun, i need you baby girl,” he stripped himself of his sweats and underwear, lining himself up at your entrance. without warning his slammed himself in, getting a loud reaction from you. 

he began moving his hips fluidly, as if it was a routine he’s been practicing for and is finally showcasing. normally donghan would keep asking if you were okay because he’s like twice your size and doesn’t want to hurt you, but it wasn’t like that today. his hips bucked against yours at a great speed, focused more on his own pleasure than your own. you came first, screaming as your high was finally allowed. what you didn’t account for was that donghan might take a bit longer than you, his speed not slowly even at your cries for him to stop. 

you squirmed against his member, clawing at his back as the feeling was overwhelming. you felt the familiar feeling coil in your stomach for what felt like the millionth time tonight, when donghan pulled out, and collapsed out of energy.  

“i-“ you breathed out, finally given time to relax, “did you even mean to do it that time?” “well of course, i got what i wanted.” he grinned, pulling your body against yours, draping the both of you with your sheet. he fell asleep not long after and you turned to look at his godly visuals. you thought to yourself, “i love you loser, and only you.” you sighed, “now how am i supposed to break it to you that mason is gay?” 

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ TRUE BLOOD 1x01: STRANGE LOVE SENTENCE STARTERS ※

starters from the first episode of the first season of hbo’s “true blood”! feel free to change names/pronouns/etc.! more true blood

“There is no reason for anyone to fear us.”

“We just wanna be part of mainstream society.”

“You didn’t know that New Orleans is a Mecca for the vampire?”

“Dude, no harm intended.”

“I totally had you guys.”

“That wasn’t funny.”

“I didn’t think it was funny.”

“Seriously, I can pay good money.”

“You ever pretend to be one of us again, and I’ll kill you. Got it?”

“You know Daddy loves you.”

“It was disgusting, although I kinda enjoyed it.”

“Every year you wait, you get more and more stuck here.”

“That’s weird, did she hear my thoughts?”

“We don’t sell that here.”

“I cannot believe you don’t have that stuff.”

“You’re supposed to have everything.”

“Why didn’t you just find it online and have it delivered to your house?”

“You are a very rude young woman.”

“I know y’all have to be stupid, but do you have to be that stupid?”

“She knows not to call me at work.”

“This had better be an emergency.”

“I just quit my job.”

“I can’t work for assholes.”

“Sam is not an asshole, and he’s totally in love with you.”

“You need to lighten up.”

“I’m coming over. I need a margarita. A big one.”

“Don’t let them get to you, chere. They’re not worth it.”

“Do you want a time-out? Cause I can give you one, and I’d be fine with it.”

“When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.”

“They ain’t scared of you. They’re scared of what’s between your legs.”

“Not everybody is gay, okay? Not everybody wants to have sex with you.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“You had sex with a vampire?”

“He offered me a thousand dollars to bite me. What was I gonna do? Say no to a thousand bucks?”

“I read in Hustler that everybody should have sex with a vampire at least once before they die.”

“My life sucks.”

“Don’t you be feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I know for a fact that he supports the Vampire Rights Amendment.”

“You really think that she’s gonna let him bite her?”

“You spoke to him for, like, a minute.”

“We don’t have to get anywhere near that vampire.”

“The vampire can take care of himself, I promise you.”

“You know how to tend bar?”

“You have any idea who you’re messing with?”

“You don’t wanna be on my bad side.”

“I will kill you for this.”

“I am so sorry I didn’t get here faster.”

“You’ll be okay in a minute, right?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Aren’t you afraid to be out here alone with a hungry vampire?”

“You might be a vampire, but when you talk to me, you will talk to me like the lady I am.”

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t share this information with anyone.”

“We don’t like for our weaknesses to be made public knowledge.”

“For your information, not all vampires can take care of themselves.”

“That is just trouble looking for a place to happen.”

���She means too much to both of us to let anything happen to her.”

“You better know who I am.”

“Hey, what time do you get off work?”

“You want to go somewhere?”

“Guess what happened tonight.”

“You want me to kick his ass?”

“You do not want to get mixed up with vampires. Trust me.”

“Just because he’s a vampire doesn’t mean he’s a murderer.”

“Oh my god, you’re so full of shit.”

“Nothing to worry about; everything’s fine.”

“Look at you, you still got a thing for him.”

“That boy is sex on a stick.”

“How come everybody knew about this before I did.”

“I promised him I wasn’t gonna tell you.”

“You’re something more than human.”

“Can I talk to you after work? I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Do you realize that every person in this establishment is staring at us right now?”

“They are staring at us because I am a vampire, and you are mortal.”

“You’re being a very stupid girl.”

“What do you have, a death wish?”

“Don’t you know I couldn’t stand to lose you?”

“Are you out of your ever-loving mind?”

“I am a grown woman, and I am the one who decides what I do.”

[the-real-anywolf]

Choose Your Own Ending

Alright, so for shits and gigs Any and I started texting as Dean and Cas while I was crazy white girl wasted. And Any thought let's post it on our blog and get our readers to write the narrative of what happens next. So let's do this! Reblog this craziness with your narrative, and we’ll reblog it with the corresponding texts between Dean and Cas after your narrative. So on and so forth. No word length requirement or anything, let's choose your own ending this bitch!

Cas: Hello Dean, I heard you are drunk. Do you need assistance to get home to the bunker?

Dean: Nah cas man I'm still drinking but thanks fir pretty texting me. 

You should vine drunk text with me? 

Come not vine 

Fuck you autocorrect you were supposed to have my back l!!

Cas: I'm confused. You want me to come or you want to text me while inebriated?

Dean: Lolol come drink with me cas! 

I'm at a place called bam bam's im peeyyy sure it's a gay bar 

Like all the couples are two dudes or two chicks 

Why do people hate gay people I mean it doesn't make sense

Cas: Humans have always been inclined to fear what they don't understand. Other humans are brave though and decide to love instead of hate. The nice voice on my phone says I can be with you in thirty minutes.

Dean: You're the fucking best man I ever tell you that? The fucking best

Cas: Thank you, Dean. Although I'm not sure why you said that.

Dean: Cuz you deserve yo hear it cas I don't tell you enough 

Oh man a guy asked my drunk ass to dance lol

Cas: What guy?

Dean: No idea some guy. Might have said yes if I wasn't there sheets to the fucking wind I don't think I could stand if I tried

Cas: I see. I thought you're only interested in women.

Dean: Supposed to be but can you keep a secret

Cas: Of course.

Dean: I think dudes are hot too I think about it sometimes 

What it would be like to fuck a guy

Cas: Is that something you want to try at some point?

Dean: I don't know it scares me too

Cas: Why does it scare you?

Dean: Not supposed to

Cas: It sounds like you don't apply the same rules you have for others to yourself

Dean: Right? It's okay for others but I can't because you gotta be tough Dean. Big boys don't cry over scraping their goddamn knees. Quit your crying. You know who cries? Babies. Shut up Dean men are supposed to be men not girls. 

After so many years of that cas I kinda hate that the bigoted words of a dead man still makes me a terrified child

Cas: But you aren't a child anymore, Dean. You are a man that makes his own decisions, has his own life. You are brave and strong and you saved the world a few times. You should do what feels right in your heart. You should do things that makes you happy because there is no one in the world, who I believe, deserves it more than you do, Dean.

Dean: I deserve to get my sick sucked by a blue eyed twink? lol Dick not sick lol

Cas: I only understood half of that, but sure – you should do whatever makes you happy. 

What is a twink?

Dean: I was laughing that you casicslly implied that I deserve to have sex with a dude 

A twink is a like younger dude, smaller frame, at least if you go by queer as folk 

Don't tell Sammy I've watched it

Cas: Of course I won't tell him. So you like men who are smaller than you with blue eyes?

Dean: Maybe

Cas: What else do you find attractive?

Dean: I like nice lips

Cas: Aren't all lips nice?

Dean: Nah man some are like thin and not soft 

Nice lips means better kissers usually 

You have nice lips You probably are really good at kissing

Cas: I don't know. I lack the experience. But thank you. 

I think you have nice lips, too.

Dean: Some people are naturally good at it 

And thanks. Been told a time or two I know my way around a French kiss

Cas: How can a kiss be french?

Dean: Lolol sometimes I forget you're an angel 

It's when you use you tongue when you kiss

Cas: I wasn't aware there was an expression for that. Kissing is nice.

Dean: Right? I mean if I had to choose between kissing and sex I'd seriously contemplate it for a minute before choosing sex lolol

Cas: Good that you never have to choose. You can always have both. I would like to experience that again. 

Preferably without being tortured and stabbed to death afterwards.

Dean: Fuck man yeah sex is supposed to not end in death usually 

You haven't fucked anyone since that bitch?

Cas: No. To be honest I lost interest in it after that experience.

Dean: I'm not surprised but I promise normal sex ends good usually

Cas: I'm not good at this, getting to know people. And I don't want to do it with someone I don't know. And since I'm not human. It's not ideal.

Dean: I get that. Anyone you do actually know you want to do it with?

Cas: Yes. But that person isn't an option.

Dean: Why not?

Cas: Because I don't want to do anything that could risk the friendship I have with that person. I can't lose them. It's not an option.

Dean: I get that man, sex fucks shit up 

That's why I don't fuck people I actually care about 

Not anymore

Cas: It's probably a wise decision. It would make it so much worse to lose that person, once you would know how nice it is to be with them. So now you see why I can't have sexual intercourse with anyone. I don't want to do it with someone I don't know. But I'm also not brave enough to do it with someone I have feelings for.

Dean: Man that's fucked cas but I get it 

I had a sex dream about you once 

Fuck man I must be drunk telling you shit like that 

Sorry ignore me 

How far out are you now

Cas: Ten minutes. Don't worry, Dean. I'm aware that dreams are nothing humans have control over. I know it doesn't mean anything.

Dean: I've thought about it but like I said, I care about you so no sex for us 

Which sucks cuz I bet you're fucking good in the sack too 

Fuck tell me to stop texting you

Cas: Does that mean you would have sex with me if you didn't care about me?

Dean: Weird huh? Maybe if I ever got the balls to pick up a guy? If you and I didn't know each other, yeah. I'd probably hit on you

Cas: I would have let you.

Dean: You said you wouldn't bang someone you don't know lol

Cas: If you and I didn't know each other, I'm sure I would be a different person today. And you were always the only person who I would make an exception for.

Dean: Would work wouldn't it? You could get laid with me since you won't hook up with who you have a thing for. I'd get to see if I even like it. Too bad we're friends huh?

Cas: Yes. It's too bad. Five minutes.

Dean: Well if you ever change your mind 

Fuck it right? 

You only live once? Well, more than that for us

Cas: I thought you wouldn't have sex with someone you cared for?

Dean: I shouldn't Doesn't mean I don't want to

Cas: I understand that feeling more than you think. But Dean, you're not an option for me.

Dean: Yeah I am! You know me!

Cas: Yes, I do. But listen to me, Dean. You are not an option.

Dean: Sorry man I'm assuming you'd find me attractive you probably don't lol

Cas: You're infuriatingly dense when you're inebriated. 

Don't make me say it, Dean.

Dean: Why you scared cas? Am I the person you don't want to lose friendship to

Cas: Yes.

Dean: If we just had sex who's to say we'd stop being friends 

We kept it casual then there'd be no loss of friendship

Cas: It wouldn't be casual for me.

Dean: Alright then

Cas: I'm sorry. I never wanted to tell you this.

Dean: It's fine cas. I don't get it but it's fine

Cas: I have feelings for you.

Dean: No I mean I got that. I don't get why you do

Cas: You really have to ask, after everything we've been through together? After everything you've done for me? After all the times you saved me, opened my eyes, taught me how to live?

Dean: Cas I'm the worst person you could develop feelings for 

For all those good things I've done just as many bad things

Cas: Dean, I can't change the way I feel and no matter how you see yourself and how much guilt you carry on your shoulders, it won't change the way I see you. I'm in the parking lot. I hope you still want me as your friend, knowing this. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable. I'm not expecting anything. I never did.

Dean: You're my best friend that won't ever change. Get your ass in here and let's drink till we can't feel feelings anymore

Cas: I’ll be there in a minute.

Dean: I'm at the bar.

(Five minutes later)

Dean: Cas you bailing?

Cas: I don’t know. I can’t seem to leave the car.

Dean: I'm not gonna bite you

Cas: I’m not afraid of you biting me, Dean.

Dean: What are you scared of then?

Cas: I’m not sure. Mostly of myself. It’s hard to explain.

Dean: Want me to come to you?

Cas: I’m indecisive. Talking like this is somehow easier.

Dean: Right? I'm way more honest in texts And when I'm ducked up

Cas: I’m afraid when I see you now that I would do something stupid.

Dean: That's what alcohols for Let's not think about that shit 

Come have a shot with me and I'll dare you to buy a drink for someone and you'll just do it to shut me up but then you'll laugh and take more shots

Cas: My grace isn’t at its best at the moment. I could get intoxicated, too.

Dean: Hell yeah even better 

Let's get stupid and then you'll not feel as weird about telling me 

You're a hilarious drunk

Cas: What if I try to kiss you? People do stupid things when they are intoxicated.

Dean: You've never tried to kiss me before. And fuck it if you do

Cas: I intended to drive you home. I can’t do that when I’m inebriated, too. How would we get home?

Dean: There's a motel a block over well just grab a room for the night. Get your ass in here

Cas: Alright.

[bottomthedonkey]

My Thoughts on the RPDR Season 9 Queens

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT’S COMING BACK IT’S LIKE FUCKING CHRISTMAS OVER HERE I’M SO EXCITED!

Honestly, thank God for All Stars 2. From season 8, to All-Stars 2, and NOW SEASON 9 SO SOON, I feel like I’m getting hit with back-to-back-to-back RPDR seasons, and for an addict like me, I NEED MY FIX AND I NEED IT NOW. The only unfortunate thing is unless RuPaul decides to completely kill me and release All-Stars 3 as soon as this fall, I’m going to go through absolute withdrawal in the off-season, and that’s gonna suck cuz this bitch has SPOILED ME this past year.

But anyway, this year 13 (interesting number…) brand new queens are sashaying their way into the workroom, and I could not be more excited because for the first time in like, 4 seasons…

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHO ANY OF THESE BITCHES ARE.

Let me explain.

Each year, there are at least one or two queens that I at least know of. Season 8 I had heard of Derrick Barry through America’s Got Talent and I knew Robbie Turner thanks to Capitol Hill (an amazing YouTube series that you should all watch). Season 7 there was Miss Fame, who had an episode of Transformations with James St. James. Season 6 was a clusterfuck, with Adore from American Idol, Courtney from Australian Idol, and Laganja who was Tumblr’s Idol (like seriously, before the show premiered no one on this damn site would shut up about her). And Season 5 of course had Alaska.

This season, I’m going in with no preconceived notions about ANY of these queens. I have only their promo looks and Meet the Queens videos to go off of. I haven’t watched any of their Meet the Queens videos yet, so you’ll be getting my first impressions of them in this blog, no other research included. But as for their promo looks, I am already impressed. I don’t know what the theme was for their promo looks, but whatever it is, THANK GOD for it.

Like seriously, last season’s 1950′s (60′s?) hair salon shoot was TRAGIC. I’m sorry, I fucking hated it. Half the queens were in wigs and dresses that they would not be caught dead in, and it all just looked very unflattering. The whole point of these promos is to get us EXCITED for the season, not set the bar so low that literally whatever you do will exceed our expectations.

SO before we begin, these are just thoughts of a super-huge Drag Race fan, not someone who professionally does drag. And that’s what these opinions should be taken as, observations from the peanut gallery.

ANYWAY - LET’S GET TO THE QUEENS, ALPHABETICALLY.

Aja - Hmm… I could be a bit more impressed.

Don’t get me wrong, she looks STUNNING in this promo look. The hair gives me a weird Naomi Smalls vibe, the color scheme is fantastic, her face is beat for the gods, and I typically cannot stand septum piercings (like I’m sorry, but seriously, for me, it’s just a big bright neon sign for your nostrils, which are like the least attractive facial feature) but she makes it WORK FOR HER.

It’s just nothing I haven’t seen before, but there will be plenty of time for her to push the envelope. Let’s watch her video and make some other first impressions…

Okay, after watching the video, I’ll say that look is much more stunning even with minimal movement, and the Naomi Smalls vibe definitely grew a bit. She did kind of come across… oh how can I say this non-offensively… a bit dim? She definitely knows her fashion at least, but I’m worried she’s going to be a young queen who has absolutely no idea about gay pop culture beyond the late 2000s. Hopefully, she proves me wrong. Again, first impressions are what they are.

Alexis Michelle - I’m not a big fan of this look. I hate to go Michelle Visage here, but the fact that it’s all very yellow-green just reminds me of snot. She definitely needed to combine that chartreuse with a secondary color, instead of just hints of emerald and orange that I’m getting. It’s just not working for me. I see potential though, which is always good.

Okay, after watching the video, I’ll say the photo does the look zero justice. I’ll maintain that the neon yellow is still coming across as chartreuse and it’s just not flattering, BUT the details on the shoulders change with the lighting and it’s so much better in motion than captured still in a photo. Her personality seems like a subdued Thorgy Thor, but I like the idea of a sassy, brassy Broadway queen, we haven’t really had one of those since Jinkx, and that wasn’t really her main focal point. Count me interested, Alexis.

Charlie Hides - I’M SO SORRY I HAVE TO START OFF WITH A READ BUT OH MY GOD.

AND NOW SERVING WILDBERRY POP-TART REALNESS, CHARLIE HIDES!!!

Ah, glad I got that out of my system.

BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS IS A GOT DAMN LOOK. I AM OBSESSED. The bright blue hair, the fascinator that masks her eye, the magenta lip, the simple diamond earring, I’M IN LOVE. UGH. BEAUTIFUL. Not to mention, she looks kind of like the drag version of Renee Zellwegger. Anyone else think so?

Kay, let’s watch the video.

And let’s immediately pause the video, number one, BECAUSE SHE HAS A BRITISH ACCENT WHICH MAKES HER INSTANTANEOUSLY MORE CHARMING. And because she didn’t say her age, prompting me to look it up, and…

She’s 52.

I kinda need to repeat that again, she is… fifty… two. Years old. Years of age. Fifty…. fifty-two. I uhm…

WHAT THE FUCK.

THIS BITCH HAS NO GODDAMN BUSINESS LOOKING THIS DAMN GOOD AT FIFTY-FUCKING-TWO. SHE COMES IN HERE LOOKING LIKE A FUTURISTIC RENEE FUCKING ZELLWEGGER AND MEANWHILE I’M TWENTY FUCKING THREE AND I LOOK LIKE EVERYONE’S HOMELESS GAY UNCLE LIKE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE GODDAMN SHIT THIS IS SO UNFAIR I’M IRRATIONALLY UPSET I NEED A DRINK.

Okay, now that I have a beer, let’s continue…

FAVORITE QUEEN SO FAR.

Made me laugh out loud with the ceiling fan comment, she seems so sweet and nice (I already have her pegged for Miss Congeniality), and I have a gut feeling she’s going to go deep into the competition. She just has to make it past that first round, which for some reason is like a curse among “the oldest competitor of season blah blah blah” (see Porkchop and Tempest for details). But if this look is any indication, I doubt she’ll have a problem. She even said she was a crafty queen! And so was BenDeLaCreme! SO THERE! (Then again, Tempest teaches costume design if I remember correctly, so I could be totally wrong but I’m not going to think about that right now, because this bitch is my new favorite and fuck you if you disagree.)

Eureka - Uhm okay. I like this look, but… she’s kind of makes me think what would have happened if Ginger Minj and Penny Tration kai-kai’d and had a love-child… and that love child happened to inherit Penny’s make-up skills… and hair…

Ugh, like I’m sorry, I really like this look, IT’S INTERESTING, but the last time I saw something similar, it was on Penny, and we all know how that went.

Okay, so after her video, I’m definitely more on board. Her make-up is much more flattering when it’s not heavily edited, and NOW I’m getting more Ginger vibes rather than Penny vibes which is a huge relief. I’m excited to see her dance, because she hyped that up quite a bit, and I’m excited to see what she pulls out in terms of fashion, because I feel like she’s going to push the boundaries quite a bit. I’ll agree with her, a big girl is WAY OVERDUE to win this thing. But is it her? I’m not quite convinced, but we’ll see how that first episode goes…

Farrah Moan - UHM OKAY I MEAN WE ALL JOKED ABOUT HOW COURTNEY ACT WAS FISHY BUT I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS AN ACTUAL WOMAN!

I MEAN, AT LEAST, SHE MUST BE, BECAUSE I’M STARING AT HER GODDAMN KID.

SERIOUSLY, TELL ME THESE TWO LOOK NOTHING ALIKE I’LL WAIT.

Anyway, the look’s a little plain. (LIKE SERIOUSLY, IT LOOKS LIKE COURTNEY ACT’S PRETTY IN PINK LOOK REIMAGINED FOR TODDLERS IN TIARAS.) BUT, she is VERY PRETTY, and like… goddamn that facial symmetry is just uncalled for. I need another drink, this is just unfair. I already have a drink. I need another. I DON’T CARE.

Okay, so VIDEO. I have no fucking clue how to feel about this queen. She’s now kind of giving me Violet Chachki meets Derrick Barry vibes, which meh, okay, villain potential but whatever. It’s interesting that she says she has a fetishy side to her fashion, because I really don’t think this look showed that besides it being made from latex, but whatever, her name is Farrah Moan, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of time for that later on in the season.

Jaymes Mansfield - I… do… not… like this look. Like… at all.

Seriously, sweetie, did you get lost on your way to the season 8 promo shoot? Cuz that’s where this look belongs. 1950′s hair salon. It all seems very dated. And plain. And did she paint her eyebrows like that? I’m just a little bit thrown off. Whatever, maybe her video will help out.

Well… it didn’t. I don’t know, something about her just kind of annoys me. I feel like she’s putting on a character, and not in a BenDeLaCreme fully-finished this-has-been-in-development-for-a-long-ass-time kind of way, I mean in a Laganja way where she thinks this is how she should act because there are cameras in front of her. It’s very off-putting. I don’t want to make any assumptions on who should be the first to go home because I’m usually wrong… but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was her… #sorryboutit…

Kimora Blac - Holy shit did Pussycat Dolls Present come back for another season? Oh wait, nope, new drag queen. Holy shit, this is a look. It really gives me a strange Pussycat Dolls kind of vibe though. I don’t know why exactly. I especially love the color scheme, the pink and black and gold, it all really comes together quite nicely.

Video thoughts: Oh no, SHE’S going to be the villain of the season. Lots of cocky remarks, she’s going to get on a lot of queens’ nerves very quickly, I can tell. I have no problems with cocky queens, but like, you better have the shit to back that up. I don’t think she’ll end up arguing with anyone, she seems more like Willam, completely unbothered by anyone who tries to come for her. But again, I’ll repeat, if you’re gonna be cocky, you better back that shit up.

Nina Bo’Nina Brown - I AM COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH THIS LOOK.

Ugh, it’s like Acid Betty meets Phi Phi’s futuristic runway and I am FLOORED AND SHOOK AND FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. THIS IS GORGEOUS. Everything about this from the make up to the hair to he dress to the earrings I JUST CAN’T. SHOOK. FLABBERGASTED. BLESSED.

Video thoughts: Her personality, I feel like, is what would happen if Dax Exclamationpoint and Bob the Drag Queen fused together Crystal Gem-style, like seriously, it’s like the second stage in a Dax evolution. I’m completely obsessed. I’m really hoping she sticks around for a long time, because I think she’s gonna be a lot of fun to watch; interacting with the other queens, giving witty confessionals, I think she’ll be a big hit with the fans.

Peppermint - I feel like I’m overusing the two queens combine to create trope in this write-up, but fuck it, this is my thing, not yours, and she reminds me of Ginger Minj and Chi Chi DeVayne with this look. Specifically Ginger Minj’s look in the finale when she took us to church with that “Pray and Slay” song. Werq. I feel like I’ve already seen this before though, but whatevs, she looks great.

Ooh, I like her. I think she’s going to make it deep. She didn’t EXCITE me per se, but she definitely intrigued me. She comes across to me as very experienced, but also continually evolving with the times. I could see her making the finale for sure. ALSO, I believe she will be the first openly transgender competitor since Monica Beverly Hillz. Yeah, I know there have been queens in later seasons that have come out as trans after their season aired, but we’re talking openly competing on the show as trans women, and if that’s the case, Peppermint would be the second. Count me excited for this one!

Sasha Velour - I’m definitely interested by this look. Love a bald queen, and if that’s her schtick, I’m hoping that she’s a bald queen that can rock a wig. (Love you Ongina, but we only saw one wigged look from you on the show.) The eyebrow detail in the middle is kind of throwing me, like for me, if you’re going to do something weird like a unibrow, fucking go for it and own it, but this just seems at worst, unnecessary and at best, half-assed.

Video thoughts: If I’m being perfectly honest, I felt a bit bored by her personality BUT what she was talking about did intrigue me. I’m thinking she’ll go deep into this competition as well, but I’m worried she won’t stand out from the rest in acting challenges, or some weird “sell your own product” commercial challenge. Hopefully, she proves me wrong.

Shea Coulee - OH MY GOD FUCK ME ALL THE WAY UP WITH THIS AFRICAN GODDESS REALNESS. I haven’t seen an African-inspired look this on point since Bebe Zahara Benet in season fucking ONE. I haven’t seen her video yet, but I’m hoping that this is her aesthetic and she continues to turn out looks like this one because I am FLOORED.

Video thoughts: Got a little bored halfway through, BUT she seems very talented, and it doesn’t come across as cocky or conceited, it comes across as sure of herself, and that’s gonna come in handy when establishing a fanbase. I can see her going deep into the competition, don’t know if she’s finale-worthy, but I didn’t think Naomi was going to the finale either, so we’ll have to wait and see.

Trinity Taylor - Fuck me up with the cobalt realness, I mean YAS. Queens who can pull off strange hair colors and make it look very natural get an A+ in my book. I will say that it seems just a HAIR much. I could have done with a little less jewelry, or maybe the sequined sleeve could have just been plain latex. I don’t know. Otherwise, it’s FANTASTIC.

Hmm… after the video… now that I can see more of the look, it definitely needed to be edited. It’s not just a hair much, it’s a LOT much. Like one or two or five things needed to go. I feel a little concerned for her. I don’t get that same gut feeling that she’ll make it far in the competition as I am with a lot of the other queens this season. But again, first impressions are just that, and time will tell, et cetera et cetera…

Valentina - You know, it’s funny, this one I can’t really compare to another queen. I’m trying to think of someone she could remind me of but I’m drawing a blank. This is very original, from the mint green to the hair, to the unique way her eyebrows are drawn on, the earrings, it’s fabulous! I’m wondering how she’ll come across in the video…

Hmmm… after the video… it’s weird. I love this look, but again, I’m not getting that gut feeling that she’ll make it that far in the competition. Something is just throwing me off here. She’s probably one of the best, if not the best looking Latina queens they’ve cast for the show, but nothing about that video screamed talent in any other area other than fashion. Again, hoping she’ll prove me wrong because she does interest me…

So based on first impressions alone, here’s how I’m ranking these queens:

Charlie Hides

Nina Bo’Nina Brown

Peppermint

Shea Coulee

Eureka

Farrah Moan

Kimora Blac

Alexis Michelle

Sasha Velour

Valentina

Aja

Trinity Taylor

Jaymes Mansfield

This was actually really difficult. The only one I really could not stand was Jaymes, and the rest of the queens, it came down to look + video = ?. And I’m probably going to be dreadfully wrong on these rankings, I’m thinking all of these rankings are all going to be swapped around drastically over the course of the season.

So, I’m hoping to be back with recaps for the season. I know I quit last season after episode 2, but life happens, and depression happens, and therapy happens and blah blah blah whatever.

[amorremanet]

2, 10, 42, 47

asks for fanfic writers

well, no. 10 and no. 42 are over here, but!

2. things that motivate you

* The stereotype that autistic spectrum people are only good for STEM-related things. Like, for all of the folks on the spectrum who are good at STEM things, that’s great and I wish them all the best — but I suck at math and I can’t do anything science-related without turning it into, “how can I make a sociopolitical sci-fi critique out of this” or, “but do gay aliens believe in me,” so nah, I’m gonna pass on doing anything STEM-y.

I’d much rather give a big middle finger to everyone who has this ridiculous notion that autistic spectrum people are completely and utterly uncreative, and that we are only ever good for STEM things, and I’d like to do it by being successful in my chosen creative pursuits, please and thank you.

* Tangentially? Temple fucking Grandin. I don’t actually have any problems with her, herself — but I have a lot of problems with how allistic people hold her up as The One True Way To Be A Successful Person Who “Suffers From” Autism™ and how about fuck that, no. I want to be a successful autistic writer who is nothing like Temple Grandin, apart from both of us being white autistic women/dfab people who are going to be identified and treated as women by other people irl regardless of any wibbly wobbly messy gender feels on our part.

* Talking with people about my projects. On one hand, it’s a way of getting feelings kind of like validation. On the other, and way more importantly for me? I love getting feedback from people, or hearing the questions they come up with — like, on NYE, my aunt and I chatted back and forth about my novel while playing a weird card game with one of my cousins, and Aunt Kelly asked some questions that got me to put a few ideas I’ve been playing with into words more concretely, which was super-helpful — and I get a lot of motivation to work from getting jazzed up about things through talking with people.

* Totally a petty thing, but? Getting cranky with JK Rowling over all of the Good Ally Cookies she doesn’t actually deserve to claim, or all of the characters of hers who Deserved Better (lol, uh. today, my therapist learned that I get Upset about Percy Weasley very easily and about my longstanding hate-on for his parents, and bless her heart, when I went, “uh, I just over-identify with Percy Weasley a lot and there’s a good deal of projection going on here but I also don’t think I’m wrong,” she kinda smiled and nodded and went, “I can tell :)” — she’s great, I love her)

or how, even ignoring all of the #Problematic things about her body of work in the Potterverse, there’s SO MUCH GOOD SHIT in the HP series but she’s so clearly invested in the plot as she envisions it and the story she wants to tell for Harry, to the exclusion of all else, that she ends up completely short-changing basically every other character who is not named Severus Snape or Hermione Granger (most of the time, but not 100% of the time)

Like, I’ve said it before and I will say it until everyone is completely sick of me saying it, then I will continue saying it anyway: JKR views all of her characters — barring Harry, and sometimes Snape and Hermione — as plot devices more than she views them as characters.

She’s a bit better about some of them (Remus, Sirius but not as much as Remus, Ron and Luna but not as much as they deserve, Neville and Draco but not in the ways that they deserve)

but she’s really bullshit about most of them (this is not a complete list, but: Cho; Ginny; Cedric; Tonks; Fleur; Albus, Aberforth, and Ariana; Voldemort — not in that I need her to be sympathetic toward him but ffs, some 101-level consistency in his characterization would be nice; Kingsley; Percy; Wormtail; James; Lily;

Lockhart — “I’m not bitter about JKR’s ableism and victim-blaming with regard to Gildylocks,” I say bitterly, with a bitter expression, while hanging up informational posters about how bitter I am; Andromeda and Ted — deserved better, this is not a question or a debate, I want to say that it’s not even an opinion, but tbh, I know that it is, so hmph; Regulus; Barty Crouch Jr. because he is my Favorite and I can’t make this list without mentioning him;

Bellatrix — again, I don’t need her to sympathize with Bellatrix because how about no? but Bellatrix Black Lestrange is one of the shittiest villains I’ve ever read, in terms of HOW she was written, and I think a lot of the flaws in how JKR wrote her could have been remedied if she actually did anything to make Bellatrix a fully realized character, which would’ve made her a more effective and meaningful villain, and not a shrieking Saturday morning cartoon caricature;

Molly and Arthur — I’m not going into full detail about why I hate them today, you lot can just go read my tag on the subject if you want to know, and I don’t think that JKR’s “plot device first, people second” method of characterization is the only problem? But I think it’s a major contributing factor to The Problem Of Molly And Arthur, because she presents them as this image of Idyllic Domestic Perfection even when their actions and the internal fabric of the Weasley Family, don’t support that claim, and it sucks)

—basically, JK Rowling motivates me by fucking up a lot, because she was one of my idols as a kid and as a teenager, and she was a relevant and immediate source of inspiration because Oh My God You Can So Too Write Novels For A Living And Make A Difference In People’s Lives, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that she saved my life a few times, albeit mostly in indirect fashions…… but she fucks up a lot, and this is motivating for me because it makes me want to do better than her.

It’s not even exclusive to HP fic, either. Like, she’s one of my biggest sources of motivation to work on my novel and put thought and love and heart into making it the best that it can be — because I want to do better than her and even if I never have her kind of money (which lol, never gonna happen), I still want to beat her at something. Once I earn it, I will happily accept beating her at artistic integrity and commitment.

Is it petty? Yes, definitely. But hey, man, fish gotta swim, dogs gotta eat, and sometimes, I gotta think about my issues with JK Rowling to remember that I need to do better than her and motivate myself to do the work

* You know those, “do it for her/him” memes based on that one thing from The Simpsons that people make with their fave characters and/or celebs? Yeah, I kind of want to make one for myself with Oscar Wilde. Because there’s a lot about him that wasn’t ever perfect (he was a white guy in Victorian England, even accounting for his Anglo-Irishness, so…… yeah), and there are several points on which I don’t agree with him (like, for example: if you are such a shit to your wife that your boyfriend, who is so completely up his own ass that it’s a miracle he hasn’t found a way to Narnia, notices and calls you out on it? I’m kinda thinking that you might want to reassess how you treat people and stop being like that, bub)

—but I also want to be a fabulous gay Slytherclaw social satirist who uses that #aesthetic and the popular tropes of the day to do my own thing and redefine outside the box, and hey, if I ever get a, “wit and wisdom of…” book published with some of my coolest quotables in it? That would be an awesome bonus.

* “Okay, but seriously: how obvious can I be that Yael and Elizabeth are a big, ‘fuck you’ to Marvel about all of their queerbaiting with Charles and Erik before I can get sued for it? Because while Yael and Elizabeth are still characters in their own right, their original inspiration was, ‘hey, what if I flipped the bird to Marvel about all of their fucking queerbaiting with Charles and Erik, and did it with extra lesbians? that’s be pretty fucking cool,’ and I don’t want to be sued, but I also don’t want for my point to be missed here”

—or more generally, “I can’t die before I finish my novel, I have a lot of people to piss off and call on their crap through the magic of the written word *makes a sparkly rainbow with my hands like Spongebob going, ‘imaginaaaaaaaation!!! :D’*”

* So, there’s this one bit in Dry, Augusten Burroughs’ memoir about the early parts of his struggle with alcoholism and addiction. In his rehab, one of their assignments for group therapy is to write letters to people in their lives and feel their feelings about these relationships. He writes to Pighead, his best friend/“it’s complicated,” who is HIV-positive.

Reading the letter at group, Augusten finds himself crying, then shares the whole tangled-up backstory that he and Pighead have together, from how they first met on a phone-sex line, to how Augusten fell hard in love with him, to how they were friends with benefits and then he told Pighead that he was in love with him and Pighead plays the, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” card (that is verbatim what he says in the book, and the way Burroughs reads it in the audiobook kills me every single time), so Augusten dates other guys and tries to fall out of love with Pighead, only for Pighead to come see him first when his HIV test comes back positive and realize that he’s In Love with Augusten only, “after he became diagnosed with a fatal disease”

—which gives us the great line, “Part of me felt deep compassion. And another part felt like, You fucker.”

(Which is seriously one of my top ten lines in all literature, ever. tbh, it’s probably top five, but the top ten list would be hard enough to come up with to begin with, and I’d have to parcel things out into Poetry, Prose [possibly split into Fiction and Nonfiction, at that], and Dramatic Writing just to get it down to ten things on each list, and? It’s just a perfect line, oh my god)

At the end of it, Augusten has a moment with Kavi, another one of the patients at his rehab, who is addicted to cocaine and sex. Kavi tells him about how he left his lover who was HIV-positive after his diagnosis, so that he wouldn’t be the person getting left for once, and about how he feels like cocaine never leaves him. And we get: “Suddenly, I want to drink.… I don’t want to drink in a jovial ‘Highballs for everybody!’ way. I want to drink to the point where I could undergo major knee surgery and not feel so much as a pinch.”

I just.

There is so much about this section of the book that fucks me up so hard, but in ways that I love so much — and there’s a lot that I love about it for a lot of reasons, but like?

Speaking entirely with my writer hat on right now?

That part is just immaculately written. Every word is perfectly chosen, and they are strung together just right. Burroughs chooses the exact right images and scenes to characterize his and Pighead’s developing relationship, and his moment with Kavi, and it’s just

This part of the book makes me remember why I write. Because I have been reading and rereading this book since high school — I have had my battered up and taped together paperback copy with the yellowing pages since Easter 2005 — and this part STILL fucks me up, every. single. time. The audiobook version of it still fucks me up every. single. time.

Back in high school when I first read it, it hit me so hard because I had a habit of falling in love with girls who were straight and/or just did not like me back (and it would get worse, because the girl I was in love with who dared me to write D*rarry just to see if I could? Would go on to put me in the position of being her Girl Friday while I got to watch her love everybody but me, and praise the creative work of everybody but me, and go on about how two of her other friends were totally brilliant and misunderstood creative geniuses because they were incomprehensible and it was totally bourgeois for me to want to write to be understood but it was okay she knows I’m ~mainstream like that, but then still call on me — which made the whole Augusten/Pighead thing hurt so much more for me because I was kind of her, “I love you, but I’m not In Love with you”)

(I will say this about that relationship: I didn’t handle it well, either. I was petty and jealous, and waaaay more damagingly? I hadn’t yet grasped the idea that you sometimes have to just let people be messed up at you about the shit they’re going though without trying to fix everything for them, especially when there’s nothing that you can actually do to fix it. In retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious that I loaned her a copy of Perks of Being A Wallflower that I never saw again, because the whole idea that you can’t just constantly put someone else’s needs before your own and call it love, and the related concept that doing this is actually kind of a form of selfishness, in a way?

………yeah, that was VERY relevant to how I handled that relationship, and she rightfully called me on a lot of shit related to those ideas, and I spent a lot of time having an unfair chip on my shoulder because I was jealous on one hand, and indignant about how her other friends got to be Real Artists™ because their shit was incomprehensible but I got to be a Poser Artist™ because I wanted to be understood and not just fap around with some neo-Dadaist nonsense — and as seen here, I still do have a chip on my shoulder about Dadaist anything, but in fairness, I’d have that with or without any of this story because Dada is the worst — and I’m not saying that I was totally pure or innocent in anything here.

But at the time, I cried a lot over Augusten/Pighead feels because I felt that whole, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” situation and trying to fall out of love with someone only to crumble when they needed you and resent them for needing you but hate yourself for resenting them — I felt all of that so hard.)

My appreciation for this part of the book has evolved and changed over time, and it’s deepened — as I’ve learned more about LGBTIQ history, I’ve come to appreciate the context of the story more and gain more of a sense of reverence for the LGBTIQ people who came before me and actually fought through the early days of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, and it has changed how I read this part of the book more than anything else (c.f., my passive-aggressive addition of the REST of the quote to one post of the, ‘deep compassion vs. you fucker’ part because I was really annoyed with a bunch of straight people who were reblogging it without the full context and acting like they actually had any idea what it’s like to be gay and in a situation like Augusten is with Pighead here) — and I just

The biggest thing about this part of the book that’s made it stick around for me? is that no matter how I’ve appreciated it at any point, and no matter which parts of it have been the most important to me at any given moment, and no matter WHY it’s fucked me up — it’s still fucked me up so hard every. singled. fucking. time…… but in a way that has always made me feel a lot less alone in the world

It’s sort of similar to something that one of my fiction profs in undergrad once said about creating characters: we were talking, in one of our biweekly one-on-ones, about a story I’d brought in with one of my more off-putting characters (his name is Emerson, he’s an abrasive little shit who does a lot of very fucked up things and was kind of influenced by the Kurt/Karofsky plot back in season two of Glee because that was happening on TV at the time and I had a lot of feelings about it that I didn’t have any other way to deal with because I didn’t want to write Glee fic about all of it. He was more similar to Karofsky than Kurt)

I was convinced that everyone would hate him (not least because he an asshole to basically all of the other characters and assaulted the guy he had a crush on while he was high). Instead, he was actually really popular and one of my classmates, who I admired because her writing was so lyrical and confident and she was a great person, said that she found herself identifying with him, especially during some of his worst moments in that draft. While I was boggling about this, Professor Lucy said that one of the reasons why Emerson went over so gangbusters in workshop was that, instead of going the route of creating a tabula rasa character like Stephenie Meyer wrote Bella Swan to be, I’d given him so many clearly defined character traits and behaviors

According to Professor Lucy, the specificity is what makes it easier for people to identify with characters and feel for them, because it makes them more fully realized. (The, “according to” is just for the sake of attribution because this is a point that I’ve taken to heart and that I do totally agree with Professor Lucy about.) And I feel that a lot with the Augusten/Pighead part of the book because it’s so specific and it’s so grounded and it’s so REAL

And that’s a huge part of why it’s always gotten to me emotionally, and why it’s stuck with me after all this time, and why it’s consistently made me feel less alone and irreparably freakishly weird

Anyway, this got way longer than I intended to get, but the ability to affect someone so deeply with your work — that’s a responsibility that I take very seriously when it comes to writing, with regard to all different aspects of how you can possibly do this with the written word — and this part of Dry is such a source of motivation for me because it’s such a great example, for me, of How To Do An Emotionally Affecting Writer Thingy Well

I use technical language like this because I am such a Serious Business Writer, oh yes I am

47. how many unfinished ideas/stories are you working on at the same time?

I usually don’t count, because it’s usually a lot and not all of them are really guaranteed to ever be properly finished, oops.

[brianjameson]

There’s so much to talk about what happened on my trip so in this post I’m going to try and break it all down the easiest way I can so that if you’re reading this you aren’t reading until tomorrow lol.

It’s Tuesday and I’m currently at Bad Owl coffee having a Lavender Latte with only 2 shots because any more than that I’ll go home with the shakes lol.

I’ve spent the entire weekend completely relaxing after last weekend in Seattle. Seattle definitely was beautiful but I’m not sure I could ever see myself living there unless I was like 40 years old with kids. So many people said I wouldn’t want to come back and that it was just so beautiful and sure it was but I absolutely hated the roads. They were so steep and made me nervous and the responsible me could only think about how bad I would fuck my breaks up if I lived there. Every one there rides bikes and all I could think about is how easily someone could completely eat shit going down one of the hills.

Seattle reminded me of a town I’d want to live in if I was older because it’s a more family/business oriented town. It’s home to a ton of headquarters. T-mobile, Amazon, Microsoft etc. etc. they’re all there. Beautiful but in my opinion not much to do and I just seriously hate last call. Since I live in Vegas I truly do not understand it obviously. I don’t like to have a cut off time, I like to have the option of continuing to drink if I want to not having to wait until like 6am to keep drinking or some shit.

But anyways

My really good friend Michelle who I’ve known since I was about 16, got married to the love of her life David!

It’s crazy how you just know which of your friends are going to get married to the people they’re with and such. I always knew they’d get married it was just a matter of when.

A big group of us from town went to the wedding and let me tell you, now I remember why we all are friends and how out of control we are lol.

I flew in Friday night and my friend Aaron picked me up that night from the airport. We met every one at a bar/restaurant in Bellevue Washington called The Pearl. We all had drinks and talked about the wedding and who all was in town for it and such. We were there for maybe an hour and then went upstairs to a nightclub where one of our friends Alex was getting threatened by security to get thrown out just because she was dancing on stuff but it really wasn’t a big deal to me personally but I guess they don’t play that shit in Bellevue lol. So after security threatened to throw her out 3 times we finally left. I was starving anyways so I was ready to go. I had literally gotten off the plane and went so I hadn’t ate anything in hours.

We didn’t have too much of a late night because we had to be up the next day to make it to the out of towners dinner that was from 4-6pm so Aaron and I literally went to go get something to eat and went home.

Saturday

I wanted to go to Gas Works Park and Pike Place before going to the dinner so I figured I might as well get dressed up and head out since I know I wouldn’t have time to get ready before the event. I really wanted to check out Pike Place since every one told me to go there but I definitely felt way overdressed so I was a little uncomfortable.

Gas Works Park was great because Sea Fair was going on that weekend and there were so many tourists out and people out and on the lake with their boats and such.

I saw the “original Starbucks” which wasn’t so original because once I was there I found out that it’s not the exact location where it was opened they moved it a couple stores down to a new location so I kinda felt like it wasn’t the original it was just some bs to get tourists to go. But I definitely was that tourist who bought 2 Starbucks coffee cups as souvenirs for me and my mom lol.

Pike Place was a shit show….

I thought the concept was cool but I feel like I could of gone to downtown LA and gone to the outdoor markets there. I mainly wanted to see the fish throwing at Pike Place but that was it. I think what ruined it for me was the amount of people that were there. It was elbow to elbow people. You could barely walk in the streets. Reminded me way too much of the strip here in Vegas. Millions of people walking to the point you can barely drive and I definitely know what that feels like.

I still had to get a belt for my pants for the wedding on Sunday so I went to Target and then left there just in time to make it to the dinner at 4pm.

I got to the dinner around the time every one else got there and almost the entire time was spent taking photos of each other and with each other since the scenery was beautiful. I got to wear my Moods of Norway outfit that I haven’t wore in forever since I like to only wear it on big occasions since it’s my favorite suit I own.

After the dinner Jessica and I went back to our Airbnb to get ready to go out to dinner and for a night out with Taylor and her friend Mar. I was getting kinda sleepy which sucked because I hadn’t slept well the night before but I had to pull it together! I wanted to see as much of Seattle as I could.

We all had dinner at a restaurant called Japonessa which was absolutely amazing probably some of THEE BEST sushi I’ve ever had. I’m big on Sashimi and their yellowtail Sashimi was fucking off the chain, tender and didn’t smell like the ocean. We were there until about midnight and then we looked up some nightclubs we could go to so Taylor Jessica and I found a gay club called Krewmwork in the area. The name didn’t really register to me because I was just ready to party, until we got there…

  IT WAS A FULL BLOWN LESBIAN BAR.

Totally nothing against Lesbians but I have just never been to an all girls nightclub before. I’m used to gays dominating every single Gay club I’ve ever been to, especially in Vegas. Gay men typically run the nightlife so this was all completely new territory for me. To be so honest I was almost a little scared because I didn’t want any of the girls thinking I was a girl since I’m so skinny and wear tight ass clothes and have bleached blonde ass hair so I was staying real close to my girls lmao. But hey they were playing some really good tunes and I was getting DOWNNNN to the Lil Kim hits.

At one point I had to pee so I go piss and mind you their bathroom doors are like saloon type doors, they just swing open and closed. So I’m going pee in the urinal and I could hear a conversation going on right outside the bathrooms since they were both so close to each other and goes exactly like this.

Girl: I HAVE TO PEE!

Her Friend: Go in the guys bathroom!

Girl: “NO THERE’S SOMEONE IN THERE!”

Her Friend: “SO WHAT!”

Moments later this girl legit comes into the guys bathroom which mind you is as big as a closet, legit pops a squat RIGHT NEXT TO MY URINAL I was just peeing thinking to myself omg this is really happening to me lol. So I walk out and just smile and laugh at her because I didn’t want it to be any more awkward than what it already was. That has never happened to me in my life so I was a little freaked out lol.

We leave shortly after and go to a straight club called Foundation Nightclub where Michelle works so we told security we were going to her wedding and they let us all in. It was so dead but we just had a drink and made the most of it until last call hit and every one had to leave.

We then called a Lyft to go to some other bar called Monkey house or Monkey room or some shit. This place apparently is an after hours place only catch is it’s now 2am and no one is serving alcohol. This random guy asks if he can tag along since he’s going too so he gets in with us. I get the glorious chance to sit next to him and he is POURING NIAGRA FALLS SWEAT SOOOO BADDDD. He was wearing some sort of white fucking track pants with a bandana and T-shirt which made no fucking sense to me if you’re out clubbing. The style out there was wack and I did not get it since Vegas nightlife is 100% different. But anyways we get out of the car and my entire left side of my 100% LAMB LEATHER REBECCA MINKOFF JACKET IS SOAKED IN SWEAT. I could of strangled him for it! So we’re standing outside of this non-serving alcohol after hours place and there’s a massive line to get in so the Lyft driver goes up to Taylor and straight up says “I TRIED TO DO YOU A FAVOR AND YOUR FRIEND GO PEE PEE IN MY CAR”

We all were like wtf this guy just said pee pee to us like we were children lol.

I looked at track suit pants dude and he hadn’t pissed himself he had literally just sweated all over the damn place. So I go over to the Lyft driver to diffuse the situation and tell him that this guy is loaded on drugs and is sweating his fucking ass off so he let it go and left.

After that Jessica and I were ready to leave because the wedding was the next day (Sunday) so we still had to get our stuff ready and get some good rest for the wedding.

We get a lyft driver to take us home and he’s a complete weirdo. We have him make a stop at a gas station since she and I wanted to pick up some snacks and water to get us by and stay hydrated that night so we avoid a hang over the next day and this lyft driver HAD THE NERVE TO HONK HIS HORN AT US TO HURRY UP. I was like wtf? We get back and eat and didn’t end up passing out until about 5am.

Sunday

It’s now the wedding day

Jessica and I wake up for the big wedding day. We had to hurry and get ready because we needed to all meet at Taylors hotel to all go together to this wedding. We stopped at starbucks because we definitely needed to wake up for the big day after a night like the night before.

So we stop by a Starbucks and get coffee and on the way to Taylors hotel I KEPT FUCKING SPILLING COFFEE ON MYSELF. I must had done it literally like 3 times… You could barely see it unless you really looked but I knew that shit was going to show up so I was pissed. This always happens when I wear white! Last time I wore a white shirt to work I got red hair dye splashes all over it and had to power bleach it since it was a $60 white T-shirt that I was not gonna screw up.

Anyways we get to Taylors hotel and her friend drives us all to the wedding which helped because literally everything in Washington is so damn sprawled out.

We got to Issaquah Washington where the wedding was being held. It was at like a farm kind of place with Yaks and horses. We got there just in time for the Tish Roast for Michelle which I guess is all part of a Jewish wedding ceremony where we talk about how we know the bride and some embarrassing stories we have about her lol. It was so funny but such a sweet thing to do.

I’ve never been to a Jewish wedding but let me tell you they DEFINITELY know how to throw a wedding party. It was so full of energy and excitement. I really did enjoy myself at this one and I got to wear an awesome yamaka!!!! I kept adjusting it and clipping it into my hair so it would stay on and look cute. I know the intention is not for aesthetic purposes but I didn’t want to look silly if it wasn’t sitting on my head properly.

We were there until about midnight I believe and ended up going to the after hours party Michelle and David were throwing. We stopped at a gas station to pick up some things where some of the girls decided to have a dance off lol.

Every one was having a great time but there were some people trying to go to bed and it was 2am now but every one on our Vegas side was still ready to keep raging and partying so we tried to debate on what to do for the past 2 hours and mind you it’s now about 4-4:30am and I’m BEAT. I was tired and ready to leave since I know we won’t be getting back to bed until 5-6am since Jessica and I were both hungry too. So on the way out every ones pissed that we all have to leave to go to Taylors hotel where we could hang out in the lobby and finish drinking but I was tired and so was Jessica so we ended up just lyfting back to our place.

Our Lyft driver was cool and all but his breaks were scaring the fuck out of me and just reconfirmed to me how awful Washington is on car breaks lol. They were grinding the worst I’ve ever heard breaks grind. But at least we made it to the gas station to get food and head back to our place, ate and passed out at again 5am lol..

Monday

Monday was the farewell brunch from 11am-1pm but I literally was so tired that I slept through all my alarms and missed the brunch so Jessica and I hurried to pack all of our shit and leave as soon as we could because check out was at 12 and we didn’t get out of there until 1pm since we overslept like fuck.

The final plan before leaving was to go to Kirkland and go to a jet ski and boat rental place out there to go out on the lake for a few before flying home.

Jessica and I got there way before every one since every one was wrapping up the brunch and getting dressed for the lake. I asked what time we were going out on the lake and they said the reservation was for 5:15pm…. Which kind of shook me because my flight was the earliest of every one else’s at 7:40pm meaning I would have to leave by like 5:45 from Kirkland in order to beat traffic and get to the airport as early as possible since it was a Monday and it was Sea Fair so I was afraid the lines were going to be insane. We drank for 3 hours trying to kill time and then finally got on the boat and that’s where the real fun began. I was having such a great time that I ended up calling Nick and having him change my flight and Jessica changed hers to so she could fly with me and we would leave at the same time. So we got to stay out on the lake longer and see the sunset with Michael, Taylor and her friend.

I mean we were RIPPING THROUGH THAT WATER I low key thought I was gonna fly out so I kept sitting on the floor instead of the seats lol. It was seriously the funnest shit everrrrr. But we were going so fast that shit was flying all out of the boat including my “where my beaches at” shirt! :(((((

So sad I lost that shit because it was my favorite vacation/beach shirt to wear lol. But oh well, the memories with my friends are what counted the most to me.

The boat we were on was only meant for us to rent for 2 hours but we were out on the lake for 3 hours lol. We were mainly trying to witness the sunset since it was so beautiful out and let me tell you the sunsets on the lake in Washington are some of the absolute beautiful that I’ve ever seen. It was definitely worth me changing my flight to stay on the lake longer.

After all that it was time for all of us to get our things back from the local hotel nearby and head back to the airport. Mind you I’m still in my swimming shorts and my killstar cut off shirt that I managed to have in my backpack with me to put on for the airport. My shorts were still kind of wet so when we got to the airport I was FREEEEEZING and Jessica was giving me so much anxiety making me think we were going to miss our flight! So my anxiety was so damn bad that I had to take my Xanax to calm the fuck down which I only take if I’m absolutely struggling with anxiety. So I took one and we went to go eat. It hit me faster than normal and I got the Xanax munchies which really is a thing so I had fish tacos at a restaurant in the airport and this lady sitting next to me kept trying to talk to me and tried giving me grapes from her bag which was just too sketch for me so after I finished eating I placed my napkin over the plate so she wouldn’t see that I did not even touch them lol.

We boarded our plane and I was feeling good at this point and luckily there was an open row next to the one Jessica and I were both sitting in originally so she sat over there and watched her shows. I on the other hand pulled down the pull out table from the seat in front of me and knocked out for the rest of the flight and apparently the steward kept trying to wake me up and I would not wake up so Jessica sat next to me and woke me up once we were landing and told me they all kept trying to wake me up and I wouldn’t but that’s what my Xanax does! I didn’t meant to knock out that hard but I made sure to wake up once we were landing because I knew the impact would wake me up which it did lol.

FINALLY WE WERE HOME

Nick picked me up and that was it!

I seriously had some of the most fun I’ve ever had on vacation with all my friends. I think 3 days was plenty of time for me in Seattle though so I’m glad that was the amount of time spent there. I can’t wait to plan something for next year and take more time off to spend more time somewhere. I’m having some serious wanderlust so I want to definitely go somewhere international.

Seattle There's so much to talk about what happened on my trip so in this post I'm going to try and break it all down the easiest way I can so that if you're reading this you aren't reading until tomorrow lol.