#but then in the end her parents said she wasnt allowed to talk to me anymore bc i was 'a bad influence'

[mercymornsimpathizer]

.

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

[noihavenosanitythanksforasking]

tldr: the story of how i figured out im gay and why i relate to byler so much. aka why its good rep

this was not supposed to be this long

my best friend doesnt like stranger things bc she thinks the metaphorical texture of the show is gross feeling(valid) but she follows me on here and has had to block the byler tag bc its all i post about these days and shes not into it.

anyways it made me think about why i love byler so much and it definitely has to do with the fact that as a queer person i relate super heavily to their story. being gay is way more acceptable now and i was born in 07 so its not like its was considered a death sentence to be gay in general. however i grew up in the classical church. my mom was part of a religious cult in highschool and i was my parents first kid and they were super protective of me. Im also autistic and i spent most of my childhood very worried about doing and acting the right way to make people accept me. my parents favorite story to tell people about my childhood is that when i finally graduated my crib and got a toddler bed they were worried that i would never let them sleep again. that didnt happen tho, in fact i refused to get out of bed with out express permission and would lay there until they came told me i could get up.

id like to say that i was homophobic growing up but not in the traditional sense. it was more that i was actually afraid of gay people. No one around me ever really said anything blatantly homophobic or had radical ideas about the subject but we were so deep into the church and i was always afraid of everything. when i was in elementary school we would do drills. call and response cult like stuff. theyd ask us to define sin and wed spout off this memorized line about going agaisnt gods will in action or thought or intention. i didnt even know what a gay meant until i got to middle school and the entire idea terrified me. because thats not allowed and when someone brings it up all the adults get that one look on their face and the pastor says that homosexuality is a sin or wtv.

i had this one friend, lets call her jane, at the time. i really liked her but she was kind of a delinquent, she didnt have the best home life and she was kind if an angry kid so when she came out to our friend group as bisexual in i think 7th grade, we (the rest of the group was v religious ) were concerned about it but not really surprised. we werent supportive but we werent angry either. it was more like we werent sure what to do. she had always been a problem child so it didnt seem to out of the blue for someone like her to like girls so we just kind of tried not to talk about it again.

I was a pretty big drama kid at the time( still am) (i swear i have a point to this) and i became friends with this one girl. lets call her belle. anyways i reallllyyyy liked belle i dont think i had a crush on her but i thought she was really cool and fun and liked hanging around her. we werent really close much to my past and present dismay but when i did hang out with her i always had a fun time. a few years later she told me that she was bisexual. this pretty much broke my little brain. because belle was cool and fun and normal and it was the first time when i realized that maybe there was something wrong with the way my church worked. they had to be wrong because there was no way belle was evil and going to hell. i loved being friends with her and i couldn't accept the fact that her liking girls changed anything. she still felt like the same person. still the topic was terrifying to me, i was so afraid that i was wrong or maybe just not smart enough to see the truth. so many people around me that i grew up being told knew what was right, knew what god was telling us said that it was wrong so maybe i just didnt get it. maybe i wasnt close enough to god to understand what made gay people so bad. still something changed from then and the next year i ended up being close to this girl, lets call her beth, (all my other friends had either moved on or were on different sides of our grade and tbh i was terrified of her but i had no one else). Anyways beth also had a crazy homelife she talked a lot about how she hated her family and how she would kill her dad if she could. she also ate highlighters, just drew on her tongue, and sold pictures of her feet on instagram to make money. needless to say as soon as i hit highschool i never spoke to her again, she freaked me out. anyway one day me and beth were walking at recess and she turns to me and tells me that im gay. i knew she was pan at this point and i didnt really care though looking back on it she was definitely flirting with me. I got freaked out and told her there was no way i was gay and assumed that she just wanted me to like her back but id had a crush on a guy before so i couldnt be gay.

speaking of this guy, he sat next to belle in my science class in 6th grade. i sat behind them and they were good friends. we were sort of a trio in that class and i thought he was really nice and funny. he was the first guy id ever been friends with and i assumed that the fact that i enjoyed hanging out with him and having fun meant that i must have a crush on him. because girls and boys cant just be friends. thats what everyone always said at least. one day we were texting and he told me that he liked me and wanted to go out. i csnt describe the feeling i got then. it was this werid mix of anxiety and fear and knowing that i should be excited but instead i was disappointed. and i didnt know why. i told him i wasnt allowed to date til 16 and if he still wanted me then whe could date then. i cried about it for almost a year. which doesnt make any sense because i rejected him not the other way around. but i felt heartbroken. im still not really sure why.

when beth told me i was gay i p much told her to f off in the most good christian way possible but i still thought about it. the idea felt so overwhelming and i couldnt think about it without wanting to have a panic attack so i stopped thinking about it. then i had a gay dream about jane and honestly i should have figured it out then but somehow i completely disregarded.

i changed schools for high school so i was with a lot of new people. i wanted a fresh start. at the time i felt like id been pretending to be someone else for my whole life and i hoped that starting over would help me find myself or something. I always sort of knew i was different from other kids i never felt like we had much in common or something but i could never put a finger of what it was (it was the autism). when i started highschool my main goal was to make friends on my own and conquer my social anxiety when had been crippling throughout middle and elementary. i ended up meeting this girl, lets call her cassie, (so many people ikik) and we became super close. she had a lot of issues as well bc apparently i attract unstable people. she was by far the worst id dealt with though. she was suicidal, ocd, anorexic and hurt her self a lot. it was a very codependent friendship but we were attached at the hip. she was my whole world at the time, nothing else really mattered more than her not killing herself. one day we were texting after midnight and she told me that she thought she might be bisexual and i told her a didnt care. i really didnt care i was more worried about her killing herself. she said she had a crush on someone but wouldnt tell me who and i let the topic die.

then heartstopper came out on netflix and i got DEAD sick. i couldnt even speak. it was very bad. anyways i had a computer at this point and was looking for something to watch. i settled on heartstopper because id heard so many good things about it and i was morbidly( at the time) curious. i watched the entire show in one sitting. i was scared my mom would find out and when she did find out she gave me this hesitant look and said she didnt love the idea of me watching that kind of stuff. i watched it anyways. i was mesmerized dude. the scene of nick nelson in his bedroom, on the verge of tears searching the internet for anwsers was so powerful to me and it was like something clicked in my brain.

what if i am gay??

id never let myself actually ask mysrlf that before. id never dared to even think it was a possibility because of course im straight. id know if i liked girls. but i sat there dead sick and dying slowly and looked over at my book case at all my favorite books. i looked up on youtube how to tell if your bisexual (bc ofc i like guys duh) and it said something about thinking about how you feel about fictional characters and i sat and i thought. it was a very overwhelming week. i thought back to middle school and the strange possessiveness i had over my best friend at the time, the feeling of hurt i always seemed to have when she hung out with someone else. i hated that part of myself. i felt validated in my feelings at the time but i never knew why i felt that way and it felt unfair to her.

at the time i was talking to a guy. he was nice and pretty chill but i sort of knew i didnt like him the way he liked me. i wanted to though. i wanted to like him so freaking badly. so i kept taking to him. id be on the phone with him for 5 hours just talking about nothing and tell myself that this was what its like to like someone. it wasnt a bad experience, he was nice and i liked to talk to him. but i didnt have feelings for him. one night i texted cassie back and told her that maybe i was bi too. she was from a christian household too and we talked for a while one what we should do.

my parents have always had this policy of being honest with each other when sometbing happens in our lives. which i think is pretty normal but my autistic ahh took it very seriously. almost as soon as i started questioning i told them. bad idea, was not ready. i was so scared that somehow theyd look at me and figure out that i was thinking about it, and that theyd be mad that i didnt talk to them about it. i said it at dinner and there was legit forks dropped. my mom took me on a 2 hour long walk to try and explain myself which was HELL because i couldnt even understand what was going on.

"why do you think you like girls??"

"idk"

they eventually dropped the subject.

soon after that me and cassies relationship started to get werid. after being so codependent for so long we had thsi strange sort of toxic need for each other to be sane or something. she confessed that she had a crush on me and i really wasnt sure how to feel about it. she was so important to me and the trauma and confusion and drama of our friendship got all jumbled in my head and we fell into some sort of homo romantic something. we never did anything besides holding hands a few times, but we did that before either of us came out anyways. we went to summer camp summer after freshmen year and shit really hit the fan and we ended up having a friendship breakup. she told me afterwards that she was a devoted christian now, that god had saved her from herself and that now she was straight. i was really lost the rest of that summer. i wasnt sure what to do at all, who i was or what i was supposed to do now that i left the person i had dedicated the past year of my life and my mental health too. i was really suicidal for a few months after that but slowly i got better.

second semester of sophomore year i had my first real crush on one of my close friends at the time. she was straight which sucked but those 6 months of my life were some of the most terrible exhilarating experiences of my life. thats how i knew i wasnt wrong. bc theres no heterosexual option for wanting to make out with a girl in a dirty school bathroom stall.

it was hard though, being in love with someone you know will never feel that way about you. even if at the time i had mostly gotten over the majority of my internalized homophobia theres still that feeling of guilt. you feel so gross and creepy and unwanted. this person doesnt want you, they dont even want your gender but you cant let it go. its a very lonely feeling.

it was around the same time that i figured out that i was a lesbian. after i felt what it was like to like someone, really like someone. to be able to identify that feeling as romantic feelings, it was pretty obvious that i didnt like guys. i felt really bad about the guy i was talking too. he had no idea and id just heen leading him on for almost a year. i felt super shitty about it.

idk if that was coherent but i guess thats why i love byler so much. it feels so raw and real to me. i watch the van scene and i see myself. i see how hard it was and how much i hated myself and wanted so badly to be normal and to be able to talk about boys with my friends without feeling uncomfortable. i see the way mike is with el and i see myself with that boy from middle school. so desperate for affection and so so confused. this feeling of guilt and regret, the heartbreak of loosing someone that you couldve had but you dont want. i want to want it but i dont and its so heartbreaking.

i almost think its a worse feeling that being broken up with. i fell in love with a girl recently and she ended up ending things. i was super upset about it cried for a long time. but still. its not the same hurt. it hurts but its not the same deep primal hurt. sitting on my bathroom floor at 13 years old sobbing my eyes out because im not with a boy that i rejected. wishing that things were different but not wanting to actually change. i broke my own heart and i didnt even mean too

[camryntheking]

Ok! My thoughts on 7x05!

First, i just wanna say that the whole Hen and Karen storyline is awesome! I love that the show is giving queer people so much screen time, especially a Black lesbian couple! And i think its super sweet that they really want to try for Mara! I hope it works out!

Next, i think that has been my favorite cold open so far. The “ITS MEEE” gets me every time (i have already watched it loads of times). I dont have much to comment on it other than it was funny as fuck

Ok. The date scene. I was hoping to see more of Eddie watching them (especially after the stills), but oh well. The second-hand embarrassment i got was… a lot. But i dont think its necessarily a bad thing. It showed how out of his comfort zone Buck was and how he was trying to navigate a terrifying situation. And Tommy? I might have to retract my earlier retraction. Cos wtf?? Literally had just finished talking about how its hard to accept yourself in a “macho” field, then makes a dig at Buck when he fumbles? Not cool. Then not communicating what was happening until he was getting in the Uber? You dont just abandon someone at a restaurant like that. I understand the “you’re not ready” thing, but that was a dick move.

Also, Buck, baby. Sweetheart. Darling. “I look at hot guys’ asses.” Sweetie. Like Maddie said. You are more than an ally lmao. I also just love how Maddie showed interest in getting to know who Buck was talking about and treating the convo after like a normal convo. Because it is! And i love it! But she also emphasized talking to Eddie, because she knew that Eddie would not react poorly. I feel like that just shows how everyone knows how close Buck and Eddie are. TLDR, Maddie is an awesome sister and Buck is lucky to have her ❤️

Next point, the scene where Buck and Tommy talk over coffee. I do think that the hand holding at the end is very sweet and shows how Buck is really trying to be more open, but Tommy is just really starting to rub me the wrong way. Pretty much everything he said contradicts what happened in the date scene. I feel like him being at the wedding is really gonna spark some Jealous Eddie, tho, so i am excited to see that lmao

And Eddie and Marisol? I feel like the show is going in a direction that leads them to breaking up. Like yes, it is showing growth for Eddie and allowed him to acknowledge that he has Catholic guilt, but theres just. No chemistry. It feels awkward. I feel like her being an ex-nun is gonna bring up some issues with Buck and Eddie will not stand for that. I also wanted to point out that i got even more vibes that Eddie could be demisexual, cos he didnt straight up say that he loved Shannon, just that he loved being married to her. And he knows that he is moving too fast and needs to step back a bit

Finally, Buck coming out to Eddie. I do find it funny that Eddie seemed more shocked that Tommy wasnt straight than figuring out Buck isnt straight. But its awesome that Eddie showed interest and genuinely wanted to help Buck through the issue. And the hug? Finally! Give me men not being afraid to hug each other! I feel like this is allowing Buck and Eddie to become even closer (i do hope for Buddie eventually)

Overall, i feel like this episode was great for setting up the development of Buck and Eddie’s relationship (whether it ends up being platonic or romantic). And i am all for Buck exploring his sexuality with someone that isnt Eddie. While Tommy isnt my favorite right now, i do think that he is great for the progression of Buck’s story. I do hope to see more of Dad!Bobby in the coming episodes and how Buck’s parents might react to Tommy. I dont wanna wait three weeks for the next episode 😢. Im ready for the chaos of the Madney wedding

If i think of anything else ill add on, but i think thats all i have for now. Feel free to share your thoughts!

[hollowwrites]

A Recipe for a Bad day

Ominis x MC

Summary - Ominis' bad day continues as he finds his jealousy towards the new fifth year reach new heights

A lot of this is Garreth and Sebastian I just like the goofy bois. It’s my absolute favourite thing rewriting scenes from the game in more detail. And if you can’t tell I love shoving voice lines and dialogue in!!

Warnings - Mentions of Ominis past and Evelyns past (Her mother has passed) other than that just another PINEFEST!

Word Count - 4668

~

Ominis wasnt sulking. He was not brooding.

No matter what Sebastian said.

No, this was just his face. He normally walked around looking like he was sucking on a lemon. Whilst that was normally true, that wasn’t the case here.

He just couldn’t remove the images he had conjured for himself of Evelyn and Leander.

Sebastian said ‘dragged her away’. Did he mean figuratively or literally? Did he touch her?…grab her? She did look annoyed, but how much can one tell from someone’s gait. And he doesn’t truly know her well enough to make those kinds of assumptions.

However, he couldn’t stop the anger he felt for himself allowing her to slip through his fingers. Quite literally.

So he was back to square one, torturing himself with images of her softly placing a hand on Leanders arm. Giggling to some joke.

She does that for me.

Now he was sat across the room from her. It was almost worse than if she wasn’t there at all. At least then he might possibly be able to concentrate on this awful class. Right now he was much more fixated on eavesdropping into every conversation she had. Desperate for just that small crumb of information about her. Just one more detail.

From what he could gather, she was sat between Sebastian and Garreth.

Ominis was friends with both of them. Good friends. But he couldn’t quell the wave of jealousy he felt upon hearing her laugh.

It was Garreth, of course she was laughing.

But that didn’t stop it from stinging.

Why do you care? Why are you acting this way?

He summised that it was his minds way of replacing Anne. No, not replacing. No one could replace Anne, and Sebastian would never speak to him again if he voiced those thoughts. But he needed a friend.

Just a friend.

After coming back to school, the first year Anne would be completely absent, and after spending the entire summer helping Sebastian and Solomon ‘make her comfortable’, Ominis was left with a friend shaped pit in his stomach.

And this new fifth year seemed just the right fit.

So why was he feeling this protective? He was never like this with Anne, nor Sebastian.

Maybe he was just being sensitive. He’d watched one companion get ripped from him, his other not taking that departure well either. And even though Sebastian’s behaviour had taken a swing towards the positive as of late…Ominis could feel a distance between them. Like it was only a matter of time.

So he would keep this new friend of his close…no matter how possessive it made him feel.

After Professor Sharp set the task of a ‘simple’ Wigginweld, Ominis physically turned himself away, hoping the act itself would put a stop to his obsessive nature.

If anything it made it worse.

Not many people knew about Ominis’ advanced hearing. Whether it came from one of the spells his parents tried as a child in an attempt to ‘fix him’ or if it was simply his bodies way of compensating for his disability, he didn’t know. He had just always been able to hear from across large rooms, even busy classrooms. Such as this.

He was suddenly very thankful for Imelda standing next to him. She silently brewed her potion as instructed, not caring much for small talk, allowing him to listen in on the table at the far end, whilst he haphazardly chopped at his Dittany leaves.

~

Evelyn watched as Ominis turned towards his station and began slicing through the neatly piled assortment of leaves. She couldn’t help the growing need to help him as she saw his fingers glide effortlessly across the chopping board to find his knife.

He didn’t fumble for it, nor did he injure himself upon finding the blades edge instead of the handle. He was perfectly capable. But she felt she could help him. Make his life just a little bit easier.

She just wanted to help.

“Do you think Ominis is upset with me?” She muttered to no one in particular, aiming the question out towards the middle of the classroom as she stared off towards the Blonde Slytherin in the distance.

Garreth and Sebastian looked at each other, a smirk pulled wide over the latters face.

“I don’t think it possible for you to upset him” Sebastian responded under his breath, slicing into his own pile of Dittany “Why do you ask?”

“He just seems…off with me. Since Herbology…” she wondered out loud, absentmindedly cutting and prepping her own ingredients like she’d done this a thousand times “…you don’t think I offended him do you?”

“Oooh interesting. What did you do to offend the powerful and ominous Ominis?” The curly, red head chirped with an impish grin across his features.

Evelyn looked across to his station. Every available surface had been covered with vials of various sorts. Some of them weren’t even ingredients. In fact she swore one was labelled ‘Troll Belly Button Fluff’ but it was empty…She decided not to question it, partly because she was scared of the answer.

Her confused features must’ve been quite obvious based on the amused little chuckle from Sebastian.

“I suppose I should introduce you two. This is Garreth Weasley. Garreth, this is the infamous new fifth year everyone has been talking about. Evelyn Hollow”

“I’d shake your hand but honestly, Merlin’s knows what’s on them now…” Garreth beamed, shaking a vial of thick liquid he’d pulled from his robes.

“Oooookay” Evelyn giggled. “Are you related to Professor Weasley?”

“She’s my Aunt” he replied, pouting like a child whose sweets had been snatched from their grubby little hands “Keeps to close an eye on me for comfort. But she can’t be everywhere”

Something about this red head caused a wave of comfort over her. It’s possible it was the slightly vacant and near constant smile on his features. Or maybe it was the blatant disregard for the rules and his charming and almost arrogant tone of voice.

“So how did you offend Ominis?” Garreth asked.

“She hasn’t. He’s just moping…as usual” Sebastian shot a look up towards Ominis, smirking.

“You sure? I’ve never seen him so…cold” Garreth teased, shivering dramatically.

“Stop that!” Evelyn moaned. “I’m serious…”

“Okay well…what did you do that you think has offended him so?” Garreth asked, genuinely for the first time as well as working on his potion for the first time too, finally adding his chopped Dittany to the Pestle and Mortar and crushing it lazily. He looked almost…bored.

“I helped him in Herbology…” Before Evelyn could continue, Garreth gasped loudly, grabbing the blade of his knife and pretending to stab himself in the heart.

“Godrics Great Golden Garter…you didn’t help him did you?” Garreth said rather unnecessarily sarcastically “…You are indeed a cruel witch”

Evelyn decided to ignore his display, continuing on like nothing had happened

“I didn’t mean to suggest he couldn’t do any of it alone but…” she pouted slightly thinking back to how many times she interjected in his work “…some muggle-born girl comes along and acts like she knows everything. Must be frustrating…”

“It is…” Sebastian smirked, piling onto the teasing with a soft nudge with his elbow.

“…thanks” Evelyn retorted flatly “…I don’t know why I bother talking to you”

“Look…” Sebastian started, placing his utensils down pointedly “…Ominis is a complicated fellow. As his friend of many years, he just…gets like this sometimes. I promise it’s not you”

That satisfied her for all of five seconds, but dropped the subject anyway. Lest she suffer more teasing from the comedy duo either side of her.

Evelyn looked between the two boys as she worked on her Wiggenweld. How she’d landed with these two she wasn’t entirely sure but she felt like their combined charm and roguish behaviour could very easily lead her astray. She smiled easily, listening to the two of them endlessly tease her for her worrying.

At some point, Professor Sharp hobbled over to the other side of the room and Sebastian slipped an old dusty book across the station towards Garreth, who stowed it whilst looking shiftily around the room. She recognised it immediately as the book Sebastian pocketed upon entering the Restricted Section.

Almost as soon as Sharp turned his back, he’d shot back around, his eyes narrowing as they fell over Garreth and their table.

“Miss Hollow…” the old Auror addressed her with a curt nod “…How are you getting along?” He continued, looking towards Sebastian and Garreth, the implication clear in his voice.

“I think I’m doing okay, Sir. I’ve already bottled some” she picked up the tiny corked bottle and held it up for the Professor.

“Hmm…” Sharp inspected the bottle intensely, turning it over in his fingers over and over “…Not an easy potion to brew. Well done…And from what I hear of your recent exploits in Hogsmeade you’d also do well to practise brewing the defensive Edurus potion. Professor Weasley had you acquire the recipe from J. Pippin’s correct?”

“Yes, Sir” She heard Sebastian snort under his breath, clearly amused at how quickly she transformed into the most studious of classmates.

“Good. For the moment you can find the ingredients you need in my office - in the future however you will be expected to provide your own. Some will require you to be a bit more - resourceful. Perhaps your friends can help you with that…” Sharp turned toward Garreth again as he shook a vial of ‘Dragons Blood’ towards Evelyn before hiding it quickly as Sharp stared through him.

“I don’t even want to know, Mr Weasley. Just keep it out of your cauldron…” Professor Sharp didn’t reign in his clear disappointment as he rolled his eyes, though Evelyn swore she saw a vague smirk pulling at his lips “…Come and see me when you’ve finished brewing, and we’ll see if it was luck or skill the first time around”

This time as he left, he shot her a wry half smile and nodded firmly, moving over to the table next to them.

“Speaking of resourcefulness…Did I hear Professor Sharp say that you have permission to go in his office?” Garreth hissed quietly over the bubbling and various other noises of their station.

“He did say that” Evelyn replied tentatively.

“Brilliant! You, my friend, have been presented with an extraordinary opportunity. I’m missing one tiny ingredient from this potion I’m working on” Garreth said looking down at the purple liquid in front of him. Everyone else cauldrons were an array of greens…Garreths’ looked more like an angry bruise than any sort of Wiggenweld she’d ever seen.

“I suspect that’s where I come in?”

“You were right, Sebastian. She is as clever as I’d hoped” Garreth grinned devilishly before continuing: “I simply need a single Fwooper Feather. As you’ll already be in Sharps office - with his permission, perhaps you could grab it for me.”

“I don’t know Garreth. I don’t want to get on Sharps bad side.” Evelyn murmured, eyeing the old Auror from across the way.

“You won’t. Fwooper Feathers aren’t that valuable. Sharp won’t even miss it.”

Evelyn rolled her eyes before flipping to the page in her Potions book labelled ‘Edurus’. She made a mental note of the ingredients and headed towards Sharps office without another word.

~

“And now we add the mallowsweet and…that’s odd. What’s happening?” Garreths eyes went wide as he stirred in the stolen Fwooper Feather and the liquid turned from a deep purple to a bright gaudy pink.

“Wait it’s not supposed to- ah!” Garreth yelped crouching behind his station as the fireworks of pungent sparks fell around him like snow. “Dragon Dung! What happened?”

Evelyn couldn’t help but giggle as Sebastian leaned over into her station and covered her with his robe. A seasoned avoider of Garreths mishaps she assumed.

“What now, Mr Weasley?” Sharp rose from his chair before falling back into it, quickly deciding it wasn’t worth the pain in his leg for another one of Garreth’s failed experiments.

“Sorry, Professor” Garreth pouted and used his perfected ‘guilty’ voice

“That’ll be points from Gryffindor - again. Miss Hollow…a word please”

Evelyn shot Garreth a stern look as she pulled from out of Sebastian’s robes, a long boney finger pointing accusatorily at the Gryffindor. “You said…”

“I said nothing…”

~

“I brewed an Edurus potion as you asked, Professor” Evelyn chirped, trying her best to seem sweet and innocent, like the previous carnage wasn’t completely her fault.

“I’m surprised you had the time…” He snapped crossing his arms like a disappointed father, his tone, for want of a better term, was Sharp. “…You seemed rather busy helping Mr Weasley brew chaos”

“Sorry Professor…” She sighed “…I thought considering you’d given me a more advanced potion to brew, you’d done the same for Garreth. He told me he was quite proficient at Potions…I assumed he was just trying to be efficient. I misjudged the situation. I’m sorry.” She lied…expertly, her brows meeting in the middle out of faux concern. She was perfectly aware of what Garreth intended to do. Sebastian had talked about the shenanigans he got up to in class and despite her not agreeing to get the feather, she decided to grab it when it was just lying in the office. It was begging to be taken.

“Ah…” Professor Sharps posture relaxed exponentially, his arms falling to clasp together in front of him “…well now you are aware of Mr Weasleys intentions I shall also assume this won’t happen again, and that you have learnt a lesson.”

“Of course, Professor” she nodded repeatedly, a practised look of disappointment on her features.

“Taking responsibility for one’s actions does go a long way with me. As for the work you did at your own cauldron, I will say you’ve done well. I confess I was skeptical, but you have exceeded my expectations.”

She immediately felt bad lying to the man. He seemed sweet…even if he did have a rather unpleasant aura around him. One of authority and command.

“Thank you, Professor”

~

“Class is dismissed” Professor Sharp called in the middle of Evelyn taunting Garreth. He smirked when she told him she’d played innocent and dropped him in it, clearly unbothered that he may be in more trouble after her conversation with the Professor. He playfully called her a ‘Typical Slytherin’ and lightly punched her arm as he walked out of the class, one more detention under his belt.

“Mr Gaunt, if you could stay after class to work on your Wiggenweld it would be beneficial” Sharp said after the majority of the students had left the classroom. Only Evelyn, Sebastian and Ominis remained.

She tidied up her station slowly, memorising the ingredients as she packed them away into the drawer below the desk. Sebastian was leaning against the counter by Ominis.

“Miss Hollow, perhaps you can use your natural gift for potioneerring to actually help one of your fellow classmates. Mr Gaunt has a fantastic theoretical knowledge in the field. He just struggles a little with the practical elements”

She watched Ominis turn in her direction, an almost pained look on his face, similar to when she’d overstepped and touched his hand.

Her chest tightened.

“Of course” she agreed under her breath, hoping this after hours session wouldn’t be too awkward after how their Herbology class ended.

Professor Sharp gathered his things piling an extraordinarily large stack of items into his briefcase before picking it up and shuffling over to Ominis. He placed a supportive hand on his shoulder, tapping twice.

“I know you can do this…” Sharp murmured, a gentler tone than she had heard all evening. “…Mr Sallow, you best be off, lest Scribner start looking for you…again” With another tap to Ominis shoulder, Sharp left the classroom.

“He’s right…that Detention won’t complete itself. Thanks for getting me out of it by the way” Sebastian said sarcastically, pulling his robes over his shoulders properly.

“You’re welcome” Ominis chirped, completely unphased.

“Don’t have too much fun you two” Sebastian purred with a suggestive tone, his eyes rolling as he strolled casually out of the classroom.

Oh god…

He knew.

Sebastian knew this was going to be awkward. What else could he mean?

Evelyn gulped as she turned slowly towards Ominis, silently thankful he was blind. She just couldn’t hide the look of apprehension on her face.

There was silence for a long time as Ominis silently read and reread the recipe, his wand illuminating the words as it pressed against the page. The potion he had toiled on, over and over, sat forgotten in the cauldron in front of him, its heavy medicinal scent wafted over them both. With a sigh, he placed his wand down over the recipe book, marking the page with the tip.

“It seems pandemonium follows you” he broke the silence first, with a smirk “First the Sorting Ceremony, then Hogsmeade…now here”

“In my defence, I didn’t actually do anything” Evelyn retorted, falling into a playful tone easily.

It was so easy with him…

“So then what actually happened? I could just hear - and smell the carnage from over here”

“I was coerced into stealing from a teacher” she exaggerated, her voice turned soft and twee. Like butter wouldn’t melt.

“Huh…” he laughed softly “…You’re quite the covert little thief aren’t you? Well done”

Her cheeks burned.

She couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. Whether it was his praise or him referring to her as ‘little’, as he peered down at her gazelessly. She was unsure. But she decided to physically take a step back, hoping some distance might quell the rising blush.

“Oh I…well…” she stammered after she realised she hadn’t said anything “…I wouldn’t say that. Though I’m sure Garreth appreciated it. Even if it did earn him a detention.”

“Yes…” Ominis’ tone shifted, a sudden sharpness cutting through “…it seems Gryffindors have a bit of a thing for you”

. . .

So maybe he was a little jealous…maybe

Though his mind spilled out over his lips without much thought, he knew what he was doing. He fished for any information he could about her little trip to see the cabbages. After she’d disappeared into the secondary greenhouse, Garlick called an end to the lesson and he’d lost track of her completely.

He wanted to know what Leander had said. What he had done…if anything.

“Gryffindors?” She laughed “…Well so far only two have been tolerable”

“Two?” He tried to question innocently but the jealousy rose in his throat like bile.

Leander!

“Who’s the second?” His tone betraying him again

“Natty” she spoke like the answer was obvious. Of course! Charms! Thank Merlin for Natty.

“Ah…have you not met Leander?”

“Oh I’ve met him. I found him to be quite…insufferable” she shivered at the memory of Leander. His clammy hand around her wrist, his blatant dislike for Slytherins, his constant oneupmanship.

Then Ominis grinned. Wider than she’d seen previously. The flash of pearly white teeth and the way he bit into his lip made her stomach flip.

“Sorry…” he mumbled but continued to smile wide “…I shouldn’t smile. But I can’t help but agree”

It was a little white lie. He didn’t actually mind Leander. If anything his stupidity was a constant supply of entertainment. That and his minor fued with Sebastian.

But now he was getting friendly with Evelyn.

And that simply wouldn’t do…

“So…” she cleared her throat “…Professor Sharp says you’re in need of some help.”

“That’s putting it lightly…” he chuckled, his brows knitting together in worry “…My Wiggenweld Potion’s utter rubbish. Wish I could just replace it with one from J Pippin’s” the tiny self-deprecating laugh that left him, broke her heart.

“Mind if I take a look?” Evelyn asked, the fear of over-stepping coming back to her in one tidal wave of paranoia.

“Be my guest…” he gestured towards the Cauldron, taking a step back out of her way. But she didn’t move.

“And you don’t mind me helping?”

Ah…

He’d overheard her conversation with Sebastian and Garreth…

…Well…not overheard…he was actively listening in

She was so sweet to think his sudden shift in attitude was because she had helped him. And not because of some silly hormonal obsession over her that he still could not place. He reigned in his emotions best he could, something he was never very good at. Sebastian often said he wore his emotions on his sleeve…or across his face in the form of an ever-changing mask.

“Of course I don’t…” he almost whispered, his voice far softer than he’d ever sounded. It almost shocked him. If he hadn’t known he’d said those words, he never would’ve believed that was his voice. “Why would I?”

“It’s just I…” she started, shaking her head in embarrassment after she was now confronted with her reasoning…He was sweet…how could she think he’d be upset over her trying to help “…it’s nothing, anyway…”

She rose on her tiptoes to peer into his cauldron, the stand just a little bit higher than hers due to his surprisingly tall frame. It leaned slightly closer to blue on the colour spectrum as it simmered away.

“This doesn’t look too bad…the colour is a little off. Suggests the Dittany wasn’t prepared properly.”

“Let me see…” he says, a phrase that ordinarily wouldn’t cause much fanfare. But as The Blind Slytherin took his wand and dipped it into the liquid, Evelyn stood transfixed.

“Does that let you…see?” She asked leaning into him out of curiosity. Purely…curiosity.

“In a way. It’s how I see colour. For example…” he withdrew his wand, a slight curl of disgust to his lips as he wiped the liquid on a handkerchief he pulled from his back pocket. The light at the tip of his wand turned green as he pressed his wand to her head.

“You have grey hair…” he said matter of factly, before removing his wand from her locks, a strand or two curling around the end as he pulled away.

Sebastian was right. He was perfectly capable.

“That’s fascinating…” she breathed a little too excitedly. Just him knowing that little bit about her made her smile giddily. “…perhaps you could use that to see what a proper Wiggenweld should look like” she said genuinely…but her choice of words earned a smirk and a raised eyebrow from Ominis.

“You don’t mean yours do you? That would be awfully big headed of you” he teased lightly.

She opened her mouth to apologise. She didn’t mean to insinuate she knew exactly what she was doing. For the most part she just read the instructions and applied what she already knew from cooking and baking. But when she saw the way he smirked down at his wand, tilting his head in her direction, she decided perhaps she needn’t be as cautious around him. Perhaps they could be…friends

“Well…Sharp did say I had a natural talent” she smiled back, the act itself clear in her voice and Ominis’ smirk widened to a smile.

She pulled the little vial of Wiggenweld she had made from her robes and passed it Ominis. He uncorked it with his teeth, possibly unwise considered she could’ve handed him anything, and poked his wand into it.

He trusts me!

Nodding, seemingly satisfied, he put the stopper back and passed the vial to her as she looked through her textbook.

Ominis could hear the soothing sound of pages turning as she read through her Potions book. Accompanying the tiny bubbles popping in his bubbling concoction, was the faint smell of Horklump juice. Not entirely unpleasant. It was earthy and warm. The constant breeze coming from the open window made him feel as though he were taking a walk through the woods.

And yet again, he found himself enjoying the smaller aspects of one of his least favourite subjects.

Off in the distance, the gentle hum of students going to their Common Rooms for the evening drew Ominis’ attention to the time. Potions was his last class, and the reminder that it was getting closer to curfew may ordinarily annoy him.

But he was with his new friend…

This is…lovely…

“Let’s start over…see what you may be doing wrong” she offered gently, still trying not to offend

“You mean; Let’s find out what I am doing wrong” he corrected and pulled the spare Dittany from the potions case to his right. Fifth pot in from the left, the lid slightly indented. He immediately began to chop the leaves, knuckles down into the foliage, guiding the knife. Flawless technique! He scooped them in his hand and waved it over to the cauldron…before he felt cold digits grab his wrist.

“Wait…” She guided his hand back to the chopping board coaxing the long ribbons of leaves from his palm.

“Here…” Her fingers weaved with his, flattening the pads of his fingertips against the Dittany.

“Cut sideways as well as lengthways. Smaller pieces disperse better in the cauldron. Even better if you can crush them.” She explained softly, whilst her hand worked against his to shift the ingredient. When her hand was clear, he reached for his knife again as she searched for a pestle and mortar.

He felt the ghost of her hand cup his, even after she’d left. His skin both frozen and on fire in her wake. Her phantom voice still whispered in his ear whilst she read the book again. He could hear her shifting around. And her presence just stood there caused the back of his neck to tingle.

“You really are a natural” he murmured, trying to shake her from his mind and focus on the now.

“Not a natural…” she replies half heartedly “…I cook and bake a lot. Potioneering seems quite similar so…I’m just transferring my skills”

“You like to cook?” He asked gently, ears pricking at any shred of new information. She was muggle-born at the end of the day. She likely had many skills he didn’t. From relying on magic on a day-to-day basis to growing up with house elves, He wasn’t the most domesticated of people.

“Not really…” she exhaled a laugh “…I have to. I live alone”

“Oh?” Ominis inquired almost gleefully. She was opening up! He was learning all about her! Her and Sebastian had spent quite a bit of time together but…he knew Sebastian wouldn’t ask about these sorts of things. He now knew something no one else did!

“Mmm hmm…” she hummed almost hesitantly. He heard her fold her arms around herself, the stiff fabric of her robes scratching against itself “…I never knew my father and…my mother. She passed away just a little over a year ago. I’ve had to teach myself a lot of different things…” she laughed singularly “…and then obviously coming here…it’s a lot of new experiences”

“I-I’m sorry…” Ominis muttered, immediately regretting pushing the issue.

He wasn’t the most…compassionate of people. He found it difficult to relate to matters he had no experience in. And especially when it related to family. He despised his family. It’s all he ever knew. Losing his parents would mean…nothing to him.

He tentatively reached a hand out to her shoulder and squeezed softly. He felt her stiffen beneath his hand and he felt the urge to pull away immediately. But her fingers brushed against his delicately and then dropped to the counter.

“Thank you…but honestly it’s fine. It was for the best” she explained, rather flatly but he took no offence to her tone.

“I understand”

She was quiet for a little while as he continued to work on his potion. He pulled a pipette from his potions set to help him with the Horklump measurements.

Her assessment was right. The only thing wrong with his potion was the Dittany. The moment the last drop of Horklump juice touched the liquid it bloomed a bright, almost neon green.

“You did it!” She chirped, completely different from the somber tone she had just moments previously.

“Well…I had some help. Not as much as I would have liked but…” he teased, a soft gentle smile on his lips.

“It seems you didn’t need it…”

Masterlist

[werrrrrd]

CHARLES XAVIER X READER/OC pt.1

SUMMARY: May is a Mutant. She wishes she wasnt. She has the ability to control blood and after showing signs of aggression and poor control of her powers, her parents put her through treatment at an institution run by Doctor Shmidt. After going through horrendous things at the mutation corrective institution, she is forced to stay with Shaw, the man who put her through those things in the first place. Working with Shaw she explores the many things her powers allow her to do in mostly uncomfortable ways. She runs into Charles Xavier while his team tries to capture and detain Shaw and they have a stand off between the mutants on both sides. Charles and May have an immediate connection that neither can explain and try reason with themselves while also trying to find a way to be near each other. Despite the things that May has experienced and the punishment she will receive if she is caught, all she wants to do is help Charles. With so much happening, May isnt sure how this is going to work or if she can build up the courage to completely severe connections from Shaw to be with Charles

WARNINGS: shock therapy, manipulation, death, suicide, surgery is mentioned including an undetailed description, slight malnutrition, forcive murder, abuse of authority, blood, lots of blood since this is like her power, anger issues, aggression, mentions of murder as well as the actual murder, mind reading, OC is not very kind to herself, let me know if you notice any others. No sexual assault but definitely Shaw being creepy.

AN: First off, this story is VERY loosely based on x men first class and the happenings in that movie. I really don't regard what happens in the actual story line or the accuracy of setting or characters just because I felt like focusing on the romance plot line between May and Charles. I'm guessing you already know what the movie's plot is and you don't want to read another story that just follows along those exact lines. I hope that this doesn't bother anyone. Second, this story has a very long prologue. I wanted to give the character more backstory so that she could be better explained and her behaviors and tendencies made more sense to y'all. I hope that this does not discourage you from reading cause she's pretty cool. Of course you could skip the prologues and read the part where she actually interacts with Charles if you'd like but the prologue helps enrich the story so I hope you do read it. My OCs name is May but of course you could read it as a reader insert if you like, I didn't really describe her too much so this wouldn't be too hard to do. I honestly didn't put too much effort into writing it because I wanted to get it all out before I lost motivation. If you notice spell issues or parts that don't make sense feel free to let me know but most likely I will not be doing anything about it. Bear with me, there are plot points that don't really connect but please ignore because like I said if i don't get this out like RIGHT NOW, I will lose interest and ill have this whole thing that doesn't have an ending and that makes me sad. ANNEEYYWAYYS Tehe! Please enjoy

PROLOGUE I

I grew up in a home that didn't blame me for my mutation. It wasn't my fault that I was the way I was. My parents loved me but that doesn't mean they fully accepted who I was. They said that there was a perfectly good girl just waiting to be cured of my mutation. I fully believed the same. I was sick and the only thing that would make me better was to get rid of the mutation. They didn't really try any treatments until I began losing control. Whenever my sisters would tease me about my mutation I could feel the fury growing. Soon enough I couldn't take it anymore and would use my abilities to make them stop talking. The first time I ever did it my oldest sister Maxine was poking and prodding me

"Mom wishes you were normal, she's embarrassed because you're a freak," she whispered in my ear while we sat together eating breakfast. She was young and didn't really mean it. But I was young and I didn't know that yet.

 In the middle of her next sentence she felt her jaw clamp shut and her voice stop suddenly. Something she had not done herself. Full of fear she burst into tears and ran to my mother. I used my powers to keep her mouth shut but they must have understood what was happening. Soon my mom came into the room with my sister behind her. My mom raised her hand and slapped me, tears springing to my eyes.

"You know better! If you let your disease control you then you will never be fixed!!" She screamed at me. "Now let your sister speak." She pulled Max up towards me. Her eyes were wide and scared but she also looked satisfied. She had pushed me to do what would get me in trouble.

 Serves her right. I thought, my anger still prominent. Hot tears left my eyes as I let her move her mouth again. It fell open and she whimpered and put her hands on her jaw 

"That hurt!" She cried and then pushed my back against the dinner table, before going to my mother who wrapped her arms defensively around Max. 

"Your deformity is hurting your family," my mother said to me. I could feel my face heat up in embarrassment and I ran to my room crying, wishing I was normal like the rest of my sisters. 

After that and a couple other instances where I couldn't control my temper my parents enrolled me in experimental mutation elimination programs. This is where I met Shaw, or Doctor Schmidt. And where I met Louise. 

My parents dropped me off at the White hospital looking building that was only one floor but seemed to wind around like a maze on the inside. I said a quick goodbye to my sisters before they rushed me into the care of the doctors and scientists there. They seemed a little relieved to be rid of me but I told myself that it wasn't true.

"Meet Louise, your roommate. Please let me know if you need anything at all, girls." The woman left the room, shutting the door carefully. 

"Hey, call me Lou," she said, holding out her hand. 

"May," I took her hand "nice to meet you" 

"What's your mutation?" She asked as I walked to set my bag down on the small wooden chair in the corner of the room. 

"Oh umm, I can control blood in a few different ways." I said 

"Like what?" She said, I explained to her that I could control people's body's by moving the blood inside them.

"Wow, promise you'll never use that on me. That's an ugly mutation." She told me 

"I know. I won't."

"Not as ugly as mine." She pointed to her face. It was littered with thick black stripes which I saw were on her hands and arms as well. 

"What can you do?" I asked carefully 

"Watch," she said. I looked around nervously. We weren't supposed to show our mutations to anyone. Or use them at all. But I watched as she bent and twisted into the most beautiful red and orange tiger I had ever seen. Her black stripes matched the ones that were on her human form. I blinked and in just a moment she had already changed back. 

"Wow," I whispered. 

"My mom thought I had been eaten by a tiger when she first saw me like that. It was only after she called animal control that I had changed back. Back then I hadn't started showing my stripes, kinda like baby tigers don't. Anyways after they got dark my mom couldn't hide my mutation anymore. We've tried a hundred different treatments to get rid of it."

"Nothing worked?" I asked 

"Nothing." She said. In her eyes I could see the exhaustion. "my mom doesn't even look at me anymore, my dad left the moment my stripes showed." 

I swallowed. "Maybe this time it'll work and we can be normal." I said. 

"I hope so." She whispered hopefully. 

Soon after this me and Lou became like sisters. She understood me. She never teased me for my mutation even though we both wanted to cure ourselves of them. We laughed till our ribs hurt in bed while everyone else slept. For the first week we only got to know the scientists and doctors working there. Shaw being the head of planning, I didn't see him much back then. The scientists were mostly nice to us. It seemed they wanted to help us just as much as we wanted to be fixed.

After that we began shock treatments. 

"May, please put your hands flat out on the table in front of you." I heard through the intercom. I did so avoiding the wires and straps that were attached to my body and temples. A man sat in front of me with his hands flat on the table like mine. He stared at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. 

"Jared, begin" the voice said.

The man across from me began tapping his pointer finger on the metal desk. 

"May, all we need you to do is use your mutation to stop his fingers."

"What?" I asked "I thought I wasn't supposed to use it" confusion fizzled in my head and I looked at the mirror to my right. 

"Please may, all you need to do is use your mutation and we will use the shocks to train it out of your body."

"Will it hurt?" I was scared. 

"..." There was a long pause before "if we want it to work, then it must." 

I took a deep breath before looking back at the man in front of me, his eyes were full of hatred. 

"Please begin." The voice insisted. 

I took another breath before using my hands to stop the blood in his hands. Fear flashes in his eyes as his fingers stop tapping. He glanced between me and his fingers. His fingers twitching slightly as he tried to resist my control.

Suddenly a jolting shock shook me out of my focus. Pain shot through me like a wave. I squirmed in my chair and my hips lifted from the seat to try and get the shock out of me. I whimpered loudly and my eyes screwed shut. It lasted only a few seconds though.

When it stopped I looked up panting at the man in front of me. His face was turned into a sick smile and his finger was tapping again. 

The voice returned, "Please go again."

[eimoonie]

Soo... like, Genshin impact crossover Bocchi the rock! crossover Honkai:star rail (hsr) HEHE

For genshin imagine (Modern Au, Band Au)

Xiao x GN!Y/N

(IM SO SORRY i dont remember the person who drew this, i hope the s/o who drew it saw this, come here bbg 🫶🏻)

You've known Xiao for being the quiet kid in high school yet you didn't know that Xiao has another side that he wont show to anyone beside the people he felt comfortable with.

You have a fond in music but you cant play any instruments, eventually you found a underground livehouse called "Starry"

Starry was recommended to you by a friend of yours. Starry wasnt so far from your house, its better to get there with a bike or on feet. You were extremely clueless about the live house. in fact, you didnt wanna be inside a band all you want to do is just get a job. You cant rely on your parents who give you little allowance that why working in a place that also plays music is the place to work at.

You just work as the bartender, and no serving alcohol! That was the rule given by the manager, youre underage to be drinking AND serving alcohol.

The manager informed you that a well-known band will be performing, "aye-aye captain, i will make sure to work hard!" You said to the manager, you dont really take yourself seriously.

The backstage crew was setting up the instruments and testing it while you clean up the remaining glasses that was left by a certain band, you saw a similar young lady that goes by the name of bocchi. She slowly sneak to the table that you had just clean up and searched around it, "are you looking for this?" You pointed out a ticket "Hm, yea, thank you." Bocchi quickly rush out with the ticket.

"~what a seemingly nice girl." "Are you washing up the glasses?" The manager took a glance at you, "yup! I've done everything that was on the list." You said, "good, take a minutes break soon the audience will come in." You nodded and sit back, drinking banana milk that you've snuck away, soon the bell rang and you went to the ticket table and wait as the audience came in, you chop the ticket and let the audiences in."Thank you for coming!" You said as the last audience come in, you sighs as reliefs.

You noticed another pink haired lady, that came in with a camera, the girl is no other then March 7th. your, well-known for photography, best classmate in school , "oh, hey March 7th!" You called her out, "Oh! Hey, whats up Y/N." March 7th points her camera to you and took a shot, you chuckles "Aha! Nothing much, just working here as a bartender." You were cutted off by a certain instrument playing,

The song : Fever (By enhypen) playing, The crowd scream as the band went in, the song playing chills you down as you went in the bar just straight away from the stage, you look at the band playing. You saw someone who was familiar. It was your classmate, Xiao. Xiao's has a better style outside in fact hes still wearing the same black hoodie that he wears to school. You slightly blushed at the look of your quiet classmate, "Oh, Xiao. So secretive as always." Talking about the fact that he is secretly inside a band—The crowd screams as it was Xiao's verse.

You wanted to be noticeable so you raise your hand high enough for Xiao to see, you wave to him.

He saw you and got embarrassed real quick. even if you cant see him, you know he's flustered. You chuckles to yourself, white light flashes multiple times as in people taking pictures, Xiao was already flustered but he didnt messed up a single time.

After the show ended, you went to backstage and visit Xiao with the most smugly face you have, "D-dont look at me like that." Xiao stuttered but he managed to show some confidence.

"I can't look at you now..?"

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas <3

cw/tws for medical stuff, complex family relationships, discussion of death

so, for context, im a regulus black kinnie (itll make sense, give me a sec aha). ive got a difficult relationship with most of my family, but most especially my mother and older sister. my sister is a lot like our family's sirius (except if he still had walburga's narcissism, cruelty and manipulation), and she really doesnt get along with either of our parents. my mother is... a difficult woman, in that she likes to victimise herself in every situation, shes homophobic/transphobic/all the phobics, shes also very narcissistic, and likes to make uncomfortable comments without bothering to be nice about it. all in all, i try not to be around her much. im also supposed to be moving out soon, and planned to minimise contact as much as possible once i do.

to the point: my mother was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. my father (hes kind of a neutral party in the family dynamics, btw) was the one talking to me about it, since she's in hospital at the moment. he said they caught it early enough where a bit of chemo over the next few months should get rid of it and she'll be okay, but 'cancer' is a scary as fuck word. he also then told me that this isnt her first time with it — she had a different type of cancer around 20 years ago.

honestly, i feel like my brain is battling itself about how i should feel. on the one hand, ive been looking forward to not having to be around her now for years, and i hold very little love for her at this point. why should i care? she'll be fine at the end of it anyway. but shes still my mum, yknow? and i feel awful having these thoughts about how badly ive always thought of her and how much ive wanted for so long to get away from her and how it almost feels like this is some sort of sick fucking joke from the universe about how i should be careful what i wish for or something.

this whole situation keeps making me think about regulus in best friends brother(? i think thats the right fic) or p much any modern au where walburga dies so tbh ill probably end up writing a fic about it to cope, but still i just... i guess i needed to tell someone? my father asked me to keep it to myself for now so that it wasnt spread around where we live (its a small area; everyone knows everyone).

and the bit with my sister - as i said, she doesnt get along with our parents. i dont talk to her much anymore either because she seemed to inherit a lot of our mothers worst traits, but im afraid that if we do talk about this then she'll have some awful thing to say about it. she makes some really dark 'jokes' sometimes about suicide and death and such, and im nervous that she'll say something about how she hopes it kills her (again, my sister fucking sick, and has zero empathy), because shes made similar jokes about other stuff in the past. i also dont think she'd understand that im still afraid for our mother even after everything shes done, and i hate the way my sister turns on me and rips the piss out of me when she doesnt like what i do.

it all kind of circles back to how im supposed to feel, i guess. part of me wants to not care and brush it off, whatever, but theres still part of me dying for my mothers love and approval and is terrified of losing her, even with the low possibility.

sorry this got so long, and for how heavy it is. i hope youre doing well cas, and thank you for all you do for us <3

Hi hon!

My god, you ARE a reg kinnie.

Here's the thing- there is not a RIGHT way to feel about those things. You have a complex relationship with your mom, so of course you'll have complex feelings about the situation. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling any certain way, because there's no right or wring way to process this. You're allowed to feel scared and neutral and confused and ambivalent. That's okay!

Your feelings aren't a betrayal to anyone, and you have a right to them. You also have a right to any action you choose to take. Remember to do what feels right for YOU, because YOU are important.

I'm here if you ever need to talk <3

Naming you reg kin anon.

[stargirlsuicide]

can you tell me about the impact fascism has had on the current socio political state of italy and why heavily right wing and authoritarian politics are so popular currently?

omg yea of course

a lot abt this but 2 main things : 1 heavy censorship and 2 aesthetic focused politics

for some context italy has a national public broadcast RAI which is state owned and its required to pay for it in your taxes.

RAI is pretty much the biggest media outlet in italy and is known to have very strict censorship laws. they air some of the most important events : the sanremo music festival and the labour day concert.

all the speeches have to be read and approved before being said live. thats not even really a major deal cause these are some of the most viewed events in italy of course they would want to prevent people from saying certain types of things. the issue is in what they choose to censor tho. during the may 1st concert of a couple years ago, fedez (rlly famous italian singer) exposed right wing politicians by quoting homophobic lines theyve stated publicly like smth along the lines of 'all gays should be burned in an oven' and his speech wasnt approved and RAI had issues with him cause they wouldnt have allowed it to be said live if it went through checking first.

most recently a speech that was made to be aired during april 25th (liberation day and end of the fascism regime) was censored and had to be posted on twitter by the author

not regarding the censorship but in the sanremo music festival 2023 volley player paola egonu made a speech (approved by RAI) that resulted in backlash cause according to peoples reactions 'there is no racism cause we let her host for 1 night so she shouldn't complain'

for my second point 'aesthetic based politics' its a bit of a more complicated issue actually. if you watch a speech by the prime minister georgia meloni you would notice she brings up workers, the traditional family and god, all things that were also referenced by mussolini a lot. in the speech that made her gain more traction as a political figure and the speech she made before becoming prime minister she uses fear mongering to turn people to her side, in the first one she says legal documents saying 'parent 1 and parent 2' instead of mother and father means the downfall of the traditional family unit and in the more recent one she says the downfall of the economy will cause a crisis for the workers and the tradional family.

so right win politicians play a lot into the 'im one of you' side of things, that theyre working class and truly care about the people. matteo salvini (who used to be the major right wing politician) also used this for racist propaganda saying we 'cant let immigrants in cause theyll steal our jobs' ultimately it all plays into the same tactic of pretending the 'issue' will harm working class people just to get people on their side which was also a. fascist talking point during the regime

[cosmobrain00]

wanna talk about your ocs some moreee? (plsplsplsplsplsplspls)

DO I. vibrating at incredibly high frequencies rn what better place to start than once again w the yarrow siblings bc WOW. THEY DRIVE ME NUTS!! like. for example ive been thinking of bella again more recently n feel incredibly sick ovr it all, ik I briefly mentioned sm stuff abt her before BUT? shes actually the eldest sister of all time guys n let me explain:

where to even begin. she was the first of her parent's eventual "failures", while being graced w gen love n kindness at first from them they quickly grew "tired" of her n she could never understand why. one day they were indulging her whims, pinching her cheeks n letting her come everywhere w them, n the next she was tugging at her mother's skirt hem n her fathers hand asking to be picked up n they only tiredly looked at her this time n told her to "stop being fussy" n that was that. when she heard they were having another kid it felt like she was being "replaced" n her chest hurt so bad and her eyes welled up n she ended up running to her room n slamming the door n crying into her pillow bc she just wanted her parents back n knew that now she'd really never get to have them again. when her baby brother was finally born tho, her mother made her hold him n at first bella only frowned sullenly down at him bc really- this is what they were replacing her with? but something inexplicable softened inside of her against her will when he softly smacked his little fist against her chest n ended up snuggling closer to her, n she ended up walking around the house simply carrying him for a while until he fell asleep so her mom could rest. when they eventually realized there was something wrong w myer- that being his near inability to see pretty much anything- suddenly he wasnt their cute kid anymore he was something that was "too much work" bc of this, n so what do they do? they pawn him off on bella of course, n u can guess how well that goes over. not only have they replaced her but now they've turned her into myers sole caretaker pretty much bc theyre gone so much of the time (AT AGE 8 MIND YOU.) once, bella shut the door in myers face n told him to go away, only to open it hours later n see him sitting right outside fiddling w the carpet in the dark. she felt so guilty tht she started crying n hugged him close n said she was sorry over n over. like she really felt like he “took” her parents love at first, but now? it feels like he's simply in the same boat as her n she has no choice but to step up for him bc if not her then who else. tht doesnt mean she still didnt struggle w him, far from it in fact, but while she has these mixed emotions, she also knows that despite myer not being able to see her much, whenever he hears her voice its enough to bring him running from the opposite end of the house to her n that means something to her. AND I HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN TO KEITH N LORELEI YET THE FUCK OF IT ALLLLL. when bella once AGAIN hears tht her mom is having another kid, TWINS this time she nearly loses it because she simply doesnt understand why both her n myer arent good enough n why theyve been discarded. when keith n lorelei arrive ofc its only a matter of time bf theyre all but pushed onto bella to take care of, n shes so so tired at this point but she simply steels herself n accepts bc she wont allow them to be abandoned. keith is a sullen little brat who's too angry so much of the time but she understands bc shes like that too deep down still. lorelei nearly never sleeps n her n keith cause so much trouble tgt but shes also the one to hug bellas leg n tell her she loves her no matter if they just fought or not. n bella may feel bitter but she'll still read them the books she found at the dump at night n listen to them all n let them pull on her apron n whine when shes trying to make things n like. they annoy her so much she wishes her parents never had them she doesnt know how to live without them now she'd do anything to protect her broken little family she wouldnt know what to do if she lost any of them, n all of these feelings just explode when the draft comes n her parents abandon them all n now its officially her turn to be the head of their fam. do not even get me started on bella being the one to go to the war in place of myer either bc I will not stop SOMEBODY SEDATE MEEEEE

[teddy-feathers]

I graduated highschool in 09.

I remember wanting to go around topless like the boys as a child and it being akward af when i tried.

i remember making fun of anyone who didn't conform to the norm from my best childhood friend liking pink as a boy to laughing at a boy who told me he was ace in college because that "wasnt allowed".

i remember my parents giving me talks about dating and always being told it was okay if i brought home a girl instead of a boy and me insisting that i was straight because "i wasnt anything special" like being gay.

I remember never being girly but being told Id be so pretty if I just tried.

I remember wishing I'd been a boy as a child to wanting to be one of the boys as a teen to wishing Id been born a gay guy in highschool.

I remember telling the guys who liked me they didnt know what was in my pants to get them to leave me alone.

i remember my best friend testing her girl voice on me for the first time and me telling her it was weird and scared me.

I remember having sex because it was something to check off a list - and then litterally making lists in my head while it was happening because it held no interest.

I remember loving stories where girls disguised themselves as boys and being disappointed when the ruse was discovered or revealed or ended.

I remember hating when people got crushes on me because it felt like my friendship just wasnt good enough.

I remember knee jerk reactions to anything outside the norm and i remember doing and trying things i didnt want simply because they were "supposed" to be happening.

I remember learning about things and feeling small minded and stupid and over compensating.

i remember being jealous no envious of people being trans.

I remember figuring out that being aro and ace were allowed and realizing if i had the words i would have labled myself so long ago and been happy and never gone though the mess of relationships and experiences i did.

I remember waking up every day telling myself that im not special that im not trans because its still happening even though ive never wanted anything more.

"no one labled themsleves or said they were another gender or or or before"

they did

they would have

they didnt but

they were punished for it - in big ways yes but in small ways too.

i laughed at the first person who told me he was ace - im ace

i was scared of my best friend hinting she was trans - im trans

theres so much shit weve internalized. and like i get the knee jerk reaction to people labling themselves differently - people weren't allowed to be these things and even when they were they were considered special (bad) or rare and like were now seeing that it isnt rare its just not been allowed like being lefthanded wasnt allowed

and yeah maybe there are those who are confused or stright up lying. maybe im one of them. but despite what youve been trained to believe its not a bad thing to be special or want to be special

especially in a time where we're trying to change it from special (bad) to normalized.

[barkbarkboy]

its taken me a WHILE to think of any interesting lore lol

- i had to save my sister once when she was really little. she took off her gloves, touched the snow for too long, and started getting a lot of pain in her hands, and the fastest way to get her to warmth was to pick her up and carry her home. we had a huge backyard so imagine carrying like a small 4-6 year old human across a huge field of snow thats at Least 3 ft deep. she had frostbite but i managed to get her inside in time to warm up her hands. she caught pneumonia a while later i'm not sure if it was related.

- i'm the only one in my family who WASNT taken to the hospital regualrly for medical issues. my brother basically lived there (born with a cleft palete and asthma, so, yeah), my sib had asthma and knee issues (their knee would dislocate randomly based on the smallest activity), and my sister had asthma, split her head open and had to get it glued shut, and shes a horse girl now so she goes pretty regualrly to check if she broke this or that. so far every single injury hasnt been worse than a sprain thank god. also my mom and dad both have so many medical problems its insane. i was supposed to be the "normal" one with no problems. needless to say, the only "doctors" i've seen regularly are counsellors for "therapy".

- i have a huge attachment to plushies of animals because i love animals so much i want all of them but i cant have all of them </3 so a stuffie will do. my nanna used to work at a hershey factory in our hometown and they had free reese's and hershey beanie babies for us for easter and stuff :)

- i learned what gay peoole were due to mean girls (2004), i basically saw 2 girls kissing in the background (unsure if this is actually in the movie or i made it up) and i asked my mom why they were kissing, and she said sometimes girls kiss each other! and i remembered telling her that i was definitely someone who liked girls and wouldnt mind kissing them. YEEEARS later (despite having memory problems) she recalled this and found out i had a girlfriend in high school, which is how i ended up coming out. because of this, everyone automatically assmes i'm a lesbian even though i've told them i'm bisexual like 600 million times since then.

- (fucking obviously) i grew up going to catholic school from kindergarten to 6th grade. not because my parents are super religious, just, there were rules about which schools we were allowed to go to. my dad's side was catholic and my mom's side was assimilated into catholocism, but eventually broke away. my great aunt does geneology and traced back our ancestors to native roots, so she basically went from catholic to following native teachings immediately. we were taken to pow wows since i could remember, so, we definitely had it better than they did. despite the whities trying to take our culture from us, we're still here <3 still sharing our language and stories and music.

- i was raised by the tv and computer. quite literally. i had an incident when i was younger that caused my dad to distrust people, so i wasnt allowed over at friend's houses or to hang out with them unless they knew them super super well. because of this, i tried to understand social interaction through tv shows like dawson's creek and charmed. on the internet i would watch smosh and... (sigh) sh*ne d*wson and dan and phil and would treat it more like an entertaining break. i swear i was on the family computer for so long sometimes my dad would tell me to go to bed 900 times and i'd stay on until at LEAST 1 or 2 in the morning talking to the friends i made over the internet that i wasnt allowed to have in real life. those friends actually helped me learn how to talk to people like a normal human being!! i'm greatful to them every day and i still talk to them all the time ^_^

- i pretended to hate girly stuff when i was a kid to overcompensate my masculinity, but theres so many "girly" things i really like! i really liked playing house, i really liked playing with baby dolls, i really liked sundresses and nail polish and stuff, i just never liked when all that made me a "girl" according to others, and i didnt realize that was why at the time. egg moment 🥚🏳️‍⚧️

theres way more fhat may or may not be interesting but ^^; i think thats enough for now

it's so weird to me that everyone on this website is a human person outside of their weird internet niche so rb this with a random bit of your lore

[bad-ads]

ok like major major major trigger warning for below the cut for suicide and self harm but i liek really need advice

so basically i had a really rough start to college ans on the 18th when my parents left me alone at college i was miserable the whole day bc i couldnt make any friends and felt so alone and as a result i relapsed into self harm and cut myself with a razor.

I regretted it by the next day and that afternoon I had a therapy session over zoom with my therapist and told her. she was proud of me for telling her but she seemed kinda rattled, which i thought was weird bc we’ve talked abt my self harm before. the rest of that day wasnt great, still pretty lonely and i sort of panicked over future jobs and majors

the next day, tuesday the 20th, i started classes and i legitimately met some very nice ppl and enjoyed my classes. but rhen when classes were done i spent more time panicking over jobs and started to have this sinking feeling that i am not capable of the basic taska necessary to live on my own or in the world at all. I went to dinner and couldn’t find anyone to sit with so i ate entirely alone and walked back to my dorm room trying not to cry. i burst into tears as soon as i got in and just spiraled and cried over everything, friends, loneliness, and how i felt i wasnt capable of holding a good job or taking care of myself. at which point i started having a massive nosebleed and alone in my dorm room, with blood all over my face, I decided that i should kill myself. as dumb as it sounds, i started googling methods and decided that hanging was the best option. unfortunately/fortunately, i didnt have rope so i took my belt but i could find a place to hang it from that was stable oelr wasnt obvious (ie over the opposite side door handle) but the article i read said rhat all you really needed to hang yourself was leverage, and that holding the belt end thats pulled far above your head would still work. i did that for about 30 seconds, before the tightening arouns my throat started to kinda panic me and i stopped. i tried again but then about 40 seconds in i remembwred that my school has tuition insurance that allows you to not have to continue to pay tuition if an emergency causes you to drop out and that my parents and i had not bought it and as a result if i did die, my parents would have to continue paying tuition (we split tuition but they are in control of most of the money i’ve made cause tbh thats just way easier). the idea of my parents continuing to have to pay tuition kinda pulled me back to earth and i resolved to call my therapist.

unfortunately, ar like that exact moment, one of my suitemates went into oue shared bathroom (you can heat everything in the suite regardless of where you are, its two rooms connected by a bathroom and the noise travels really far). so then i was feaking out cause i couldnt call her because my suitemates wojld hear. i couldnt go somewhere else to call either bc my face was still covered in blood and puffy and swollen from crying for like an hour straight. so then i started crying more bc i didnt know what to do. also then i looked at the clock i realized i had to go to lipsync practice (its a part of our welcome week) and 9 pm and tbh almost started laughing at the absurdity of having to go to fucking lip sync. i desperately wanted to skip and hide forever but i didnt. I waited for my suitemate yo leave the bathroom cleaned myself up and went to lipsync practice.

i came back home after practice and cried more about everything (i had a ton of trouble falling asleep bc my face hurt so much from crying which then made me cry more etc etc). up until this point i had fully intended to call and tell my therapist, honesty between me, her and my parenrs has been massively helpful in my mental health, but then i started to panic bc i remembered that forced paychiatric holds exist ans i was rwally worries that if i told her, i’d have to go to a psych ward, which would be especially bad cause then we are back to the tuition insurance problem that saved my life a little bit.

i finally managed to sleep eventually and throughout the week i took my meds consistently, i made friends and overall felt a lot better. 2 days ago was rhe 29th and i told my parents over a phone call. Im glad i did, but i havent had a therapy seasion since before the attempt so i hadn’t told my therapist yet, and i told my parents i was worried abt hospitalization and they said they didnt think that would happen, but that it might be good.

Its the 31st now and i have therapy this week. i’ve been up all night panicking that my therapist will have to report it and i’ll get put into in patient treatment. i’ve been researching non stop but i cant find an answer on whether aborted suicide attempts within the last two weeks are grounds for hospitalization. i have not been actively suicidal since the day of my attempt and was only passively suicidal like once in befween then and now (which like i have had on and off passive suicidality throughout highschool, just not really in the past year).

SO BASICALLY! i really just need advice on whether i should tell my therapist, have my parents tell her or keep quite about it? could tell her lead to me being hospitalized or would it be okay bc im not presently a danger to myself and i stopped anyway.

sorry ik this is crazy long and traumadumpy but i cant sleep thinking about it

[peachy-sxnrise]

why are people on the internet so mean.

so the sims released the trailer for their new pack today and i was really excited for it, and my favourite sims youtuber, kayla (lilsimsie) was too when i watched her reaction video. in the video tho she missed a little text box that said one of the new items allowed you to summon the grim reaper at will, a feature i knew she'd be really excited about.

so then i went onto twitch and opened her livestream since i knew she was live and wrote in chat "pls tell me y'all told simsie about the summoning the grim reaper at will thing in the trailer after she missed it three times", to which a couple people very nicely replied "yes!" and "she did!", to which i replied "yay! I knew I could count on y'all!". i initiated this because I was excited for the feature and I knew Kayla would be too, and I hoped to spark a conversation on stream about it since I like her being excited about things.

I'm about to close the stream after this when I hear kayla say my username and start talking about what I just put in chat. she was perfectly nice and not targeting me in any way, just pointing out that so many people had brought up that she missed it. but then EVERYONE in the chat is going "people are so toxic" like constantly on repeat everyone is saying it. also, whole Kayla is talking someone says "you've done it now y'all you've broken her". and then kayla says "truthfully I did notice in editing I was just trying to get the video out quick and also I didn't want to take the time to add something onto the end because I had just found out my parents dog had cancer."

meanwhile, people are still yelling in the chat that people are so toxic for bringing this random feature up repeatedly (I'd just opened the stream I thought it would have already come up and i wasnt expecting kayla to respond to my comment if it had cos in that type of scenario she would just ignore the comment if shed already seen a similar one)

so basically the entire chat is yelling at me for bringing something up (in a very friendly way btw) because i thought kayla would be excited about it, and they're all making me feel shit about it and then I get the news that the reason kayla didn't go back and add it in afterwards is bc she found out her parents dog had cancer. which is really sad and obviously im sorry about that and kayla didn't do anything wrong in this situation.

but the CHAT oh my lord why were they so mean ;-; Kayla was perfectly nice about the way she addressed it, as we're the chat mods when they informed me that yes kayla had in fact been told about it, but the rest of chat were so freaking mean ;-; how on earth does this situation make me toxic. I was excited about the new feature. I knew Kayla would be excited for it too. I just wanted to hear her talking about it. I had no way of knowing if shed already been talking about it since I hadn't previously been watching the stream. but I'm toxic. great.

and then afterwards I knew I needed to rant about this whole situation bc it was pissing me off and I can't let go of things until I say them outloud (or type them ig) and I considered my boyfriend, but he was offline, and I considered my mum, but she was asleep, and then I realised I don't have a best friend to rant to. it got so bad I even considered twitter even tho I almost never use it anymore. eventually I decided on tumblr even tho I don't have a following who would be interested so no one's gonna reply to this being like "oh I'm sorry that happened that sucked" or whatever, which is fine ofc, but I just which I had someone in my life who I could be saying this rant to instead of saying it to an empty corner of the internet.

[girinma]

thoughts on avatar 2: avatar for dads (i have many because its 3 hours long)

tldr NO MORE PLOT i want three hours of walking around and looking at fantasy nature. lets go to riven.

nothing like pocahontas 2. 0/5 stars.

story is bad as expected but i had to see it. HOWEVER maybe it is nostalgia talking but i remember the 1st one looking absolutely incredible but this one... i think a marvel film looks similar now. like there were some scenes that were obviously showing off and better than anything else, buuuut it wasnt the whole thing. i did see it in 3d and i did get a headache during but i cannot tell if it was the film or just my fucked up reactions to barometric pressure.

HIGHLY recommend going in not remembering anything from the first one because then youre just like wtf the blue people dont have five fingers??? how many do they have??? PANDORA IS A MOON???

creature design was so fantastic, exactly why i came. dunkleosteus shark, turtle whale, many fun worms. so good. that being said it was really funny that the corals at night were doing the coral fluorescence under UV. 

water looked good, particularly when it was overcast and raining. but like not much to say there.

they made the sea people maori????? hello???? call me a hater but go farther with your alien cultures. i dotn know why i was surprised. 

i vividly remember from avatar 1 that after watching my parents were discussing the parallels in the narrative that i didnt even notice and really taught me about like. critically viewing film. but the parallels here were kinda funny. the whaling ship is whale shaped (which is so fucking obvious when it rolls over and they have water coming through cracks like its blowholes). whaling guy getting his arm ripped off by the whale whose flipper he cut.

the entire movie is a dad movie for dads. its all about dads. sick of dads by the end. do something else. 

i dont understand the whole arc with the human kid because like. he seems to be found family at the start but then at the end they act like its a revelation?!?!? what the fuck????

glad the marines are still bad. hooah.

many questions about how the blue people work. why do the sea tribes and forest tribes speak the same language but have physically different adaptations. what. i think their head tails should be prehensile.

IT WAS SOOOO FUNNY when they killed the oldest son because the whole time i was like “they literally gave him no character wtf” and then when he died i wasnt sad it was just “oooooooh thats why they wrote him so poorly”

they really named the main son character noah while giving the other son a more alien name. shcoking.

i was so mad this movie had the same villain as the first and i was SOO mad when they saved him only to have him be the villain in the next one. BOOOOOO give us a better villain. i was like :O when he got choked to “death” and it just ruined it.

felt weird that the very beginning didnt really show any of the rest of the tribe except the family???? like i get that they dont care about fleshing out anyone but pleaseeeee

mechs were great i like the crabs one the best. the whole whale hunt scene was good, had good emotions. there was chinese or kanji on one of the machines and im unsure if that is because its supposed to be blade runner on earth or just because its a whaling ship????

WHY DO THE CLONE LAB BLUE PEOPLE HAVE TATOOS WHO IS TATOOING THEM IN SPACE IS THERE AN ARTIST AT THE MILITARY BASE

ok. the plot. why are they chasing him down. hes just one guy. with one tribe. why did they add that the earth is dying. what is the point. why is anything happening. why did they even go to the sea people.

i havent been to disney avatar world but i do think its even weirder now. i dont think disney people should be allowed to go to pandora.

PETTY PETTY point but when the chieftess of the water tribe is talking to her spirit whale she is doing space sign language with subtitles, no spoken dialogue, but shes mouthing the words in english?? that should have been in fantasy language.

so like.... they didn’t have avatars in this one? like its just lab blue people, normal blue people, and humans. theres like 2 scenes with avatars. why did they name it avatar. there arent avatars. you forgot the avatars. 

james cameron said put those blue bitches in the titanic. that being said it was fantastic visually.

i HOPE that they have sigourney weaver voicing a teen because it is the original consciousness of sigourney weaver (like how the reborn marine colonel or whatever the fuck his title is sounds like the original) because it is weird. weirder because of the romantic hints between her and spider. maybe cameron is just giving her the check here but i hope they have a reason for it.

the sea tribe home was just riven man. myst guys get their asses.

im just. can you imagine an actually good story set in the avatar world. 

will i watch the next one? yes. im simple. 

[roxyzwritez]

alright lets do this *inhale*

THE BIG DAY

so steven gets up and eats breakfast. they go over to homeworld. steven just goes HEY ROSE IS READY PULL MY GEM OUT🥰 white is like 😦 steven's like no man trust me. white reluctantly does so, rose reforns, gem jabbed into stevo. white says welcome back. rose says hey. she jumps down and hugs steven in an adorable son mother moment. she then realizes "oh right there's everyone else too haha oops" and viciously assaults pearl with a good ol glomp, pearl goes crowdstrike and bluescreens because, yk, the love of her life who has been GONE for 15 years just lightformed back to reality in the middle of The Authority's hand and jumped down and glomped her. i love those two theyre so gay.

garnet is somehow composed. amy is like "bro i wish i wasnt so short" (literally like a third her height) rose goes YOU ARE FINE. SHORTIES SLAY. and essentially hugs the floor to hug her.

after that immediate reunion, she gets a little teary and says sorry for Trying to Childbirth Sewerslide Herself. garnet is like "you thought it was right. you're allowed to make mistakes, stupid."

rose is like "yeah but im mad at myself cuz im stupid and no spine"

steven is like "FYM NO SPINE??? do you forgotted the MASSIVE RELEASE OF ANGER at The Authorities last year?? ppl make mistakes and you're a people too."

big grouphug ensues. white is like "the pals should see this." rose is like "yeah why not"

theyre like WHAT DO U WA- oh my FUCK its the wayward daughter carrying on.

rose is like WHAT'S GOOD, ABUSIVE PARENTS??

i forgot to mention rose said when she was still in the speaker she said she wanted to be called rose. she literally does not want to be pink diamond

anyway then blue accidentally deadnames her. rose is like "yk worse things have happened i don't really give a fuck"

then rose talks about how she took the hard route but hey its all good.. 6thousandyears later than necessary but yk it kinda happens when you have bad parents n shit

pearl, suddenly realizing oh. it really is over. im free. the rebellion journey is over. i dont have to worry about pseudo godlike entities coming down in hand machimes and destroying the planet with a supermassive uncontrollable frankenstein cluster literally just chilling in the MIDDLE OF THE PLANET. and my wife is back!! she just happy sob melts into the floor. rose comes over and hugs her. they have a happy moment and they accidentally rainbowquartz. the diamonds are like "rose. respectfully, what did i just witness. respectfully of course." rose speaking goes "its cool we did this before. multiple times." rainbowquartz goes "don't you get they are hard lesbian for eachother?" diamonds r like "we have been against cross gem fusion for thousands of years and only recently have we started to Change Our Minds you can't just throw this on us. cultureshock."

rose goes listen it was an accident ok we didn't mean to. (oh god that's such a garnet i didnt even think about that when writing it) we're slay and fusion is too so taste the rainbow,bitches.

white wanting to be understanding asks what its like. skittlerock goes "ask garnet. she's the expert here." garnet is like why thank you and explains fusion like garnet would explain fusion. also at the end she drops the line "i am their fury, i am their patience. i am a conversation." and steven is like "I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE!"

the diamonds are like damn... that's what we were hating on?

LGBTQuartz unfuses and rose is like fam... we gotta go back to earth it was nice hanging out and seeing how you arent toxic anymore, ill be back. the diamonds r like "aight go be happy at home we love you child" but white is like "oh also we healed a shit ton of gems, just thought we'd let you know!!!" rose is like IM SO FUCKING COOL (she's actually very happy and is like yay i knew you weren't terrible deep down in there somewhere)

they go back to warp but realize pearl is still just swooning on the floor and steven is like bruh,, are you coming with us?? she's like YEAH idk what ur talking about of course i am its not like i was swooning on the floor over my newly returned wifeyboo.,,

they warp back and rose is like oh i should probably let greg know that im alive again lol. pearl is like go get em queen. rose is like "are you okay???" shes like im fine. i know you love my silly face. go get em queen god damnit. she goes over n knocks on the van and goes "hi lol im back" greg goes holy shit i couldn't tell its almost like i see you with my eyes. shes like do u wanna give me a tour of beach city with the gems and hes like i gotta lay down and straighten out my rattled brain but i appreciate the offer(spoiler: he is realizing he doesn't have feelings for rose anymore and freaks out like oh shit man oh shit man oh sh-)

she's like okay pookie cya mwah (jumnp)

says to steven hey i wanna try a donut and actually meet sadie instead of spectator mode meeting. he says alright bet (oh god mother don't order every single donut sadie will execute me) she takes a strawberry glazed donut and is satisfied with the new unique sensation of Eating a Donut. also sadie is like damn. this revival novelty shit is getting boring real fast. (very just not surprised by any of this. why would you be if you knew steven. you're not surprisable. oh you revived your mother who was spectating your entire existence? ok, aberage tuesday.)

and now the minisode. its literally just self and fan service with pearlrose, the coupling that always deserved to be but god damnit i had to revive her to do that. her and greg talk, very casual breakup honestly, greg is surprised she doesn't get that upset and she's like "im surprised you're worried about that like don't you know i have pearl? im fine man" hes like "yeah you're right i forgot you don't understand human dynamics that's fair" she then goes home and asks steven where pearl is. steven goes OOOOOOOO and she goes stfu hoe, tell me where my wife is. hes like she's been hiding in her room probably looking at you through holograms or something. she goes in and pearl is just on the floor. smiling. just laying there. rose is like "...you good?" pearl is like HI I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE SORRY I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU OBSESSIVELY 😁

they flirt a bit n shit and rose tells pearl abt greg (out of order but im not backspacing, reverse order) and unknown to the lesbians steven was watching and going AWWWW THEYRE ADORAVLE. he says "that wss the cutedt thing ive ever seen" and pearl is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE" rose is like "honey. pookie. calm. people are allowed to know. steven please leave thank you son."

hes like fine ugh so gay and leaves. the two talk and rose is like you dont even know how badly i died inside when you sang that song. if i had eyes to cry out of i would've made a new ocean. im so glad i can finally smash. (didnt go like that but youget the gist) pearl is like sorry for crying uncontrollably for the 40th time i cant help it i love you too much and rose is like stfu you adorable thing and cry into my chest or something. they hug and minisode1 ends.

if this is a "rough plan" then im horrified to think of what a detailed plan would be. shivers

au writing shit idk

heres the Rough Plan for my first few eps:

ep1: the au branches off of canon in the final SU ep, Change Your Mind. renamed to Change Your World. when white yoinks the gem out of steven and pinksteven reforms and whiteasks W H E R E I S P I N K the response is something along the lines of "i am right here, but fuck you im not talking to you." (girlboss) and white gets the "im a child, what's your problem" and has the perfectionist meltdown, then steven's like "sorry but we gotta head out" and they're like "PINK WHAT THE FUCK?" steven goes "im not pink just leave earth alone" the gems agree and give steven The Legs™️.

pearl latches onto the idea that rose is still alive in there. (didn't write that tho just had it cut to this next bit oops) her and greg build a thing to connect to the gem that will essentially connect to pink/rose im just gonna call her rose damnit and allow her to communicate w everyone. shes like "...hey guys. uh. sorry for trying to kill myself i guess that didn't work but i have been minecraft spectating steven for the entirety of his existence with no ability to do anything but think and watch" pearl has a lesbian implosion, everyone's all happy n shit. steven eventually asks about the lying and she's like "yeag i done bad there. i just wanted to keep you guys together" (now that i think abt it there was no mention of bismuth here.. oops,) garnet gives her a Garnet Specil motivational speech and she's like "i missed you too garnet" (i forgot to mention, garnet violently explode-unfuses and ruby+sapphire are just bumbling with happy when rose spoke) amethyst has her own moment (she thought this was all bullshit and started playing fortnite upstairs but between games she heard rose and a p p e a r e d)

anyway rose then is thinking "oh man i gotta talk to so many ppl" and realizes eh guys nothing to worry abt just a HAPPY TO LISTEN, HAPPY TO STAY, HAPPILY WATCHING HER DR- but we should go there NOW" so they do, spinel is understandably distraught and breaks the gemspeaker in half but feels bad about it. she comes with the gang to earth, they show her around, a new gemspeaker is made and they reconcile. yippy! also spinel ate one of ALL. big donut flavors. sadie allowed this just for on e because steven is the LORD AND SAVIOR OF THE STEVEN UNIVERSE haha funny.

anyway she and bismuth talk. bis is kinda like "yeah i wasnt very gamer sorry about that herhee" again ignoring that SHE lied about the bubbling, conveniently forgot to explore that conversation for ease of writing and so i didn't need to go "how do i utilize my 2 iq points to channel these characters and get them to have a coherent, consistent to character conversation about this situation"

peri and lapis are called over by bismuth who doesn't say shit to them for the surprise. lapis is like "yeah ok hit me" peri is more curious. rose speaks, peridot fangirls and lapis is like "oh shit that's historically significant " peri is like "I NEED TO RESEARCH:)))" and runs off. spoiler: gem cloning

bis brings up the idea. rose is like "yeah that sounds legit" (the gem cloning conundrum took me way too long to understand. i drove my friend crazy. "hey can u explain every single quantum detail of this in the most verbose way i dont understand" but eventually i understood it JUUUUST enough to write it lmao i still don't get it)

rose n steven talk in roses room. all happy n shit. greg is told abt the plan and hes like oh shit i gotta clean up and steven is like "you know her standards. she don't give a shit" hes like "yeag"

peri makes progress! she made a little clump!! (explaining the gem cloning: theyre making essentially an empty gem with the powers but no consciousness inside. when its ready, white will take steven's gem out again, rose reforms, and the new gem gets ever so graciously stabbed into his belly where the old one was.)

peri tells steven its gonna take a year. he's like "well okay better than like hundreds of years" then he goes off to talk to the diamonds. he brings the speaker with. rose lets out the thousands of years of distrust and anger at the dismonds and they are humbled even more than when they got pinkd and rose is like "you WILL heal all the shattered ones i don't give a shit" and theyre like "whatever you say little one" (yes they do indeed heal the fallen. probably with regular shipments of steven fluid. that sounded wrong but im not a freak like that hes still 14)

also they go back home and steven talks to rose abt "you told the diamonds you literally wanted to die are you fr?" she explains and hes like YOU FATHERFUCKER, YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT (crying)"

next episode is just year-long filler but i made it actually good by making it essentially a montage of lapis and peri in the barn becoming lesbian for eachother. finally, a controversial move on my part, they decide to overcome lapis's fear of fusion and fuse for stevens birthday. their fusion is turquoise (took way too long coming up with a fucking name) and can corrode (water + metal) and can morph/control metal (liquify n stuff. definitely not taken from a lapidot fusion concept i found on google images.) garnet is like "hey pearl look at these silly lesbians " pearls like "damn relatable" garnets like "yeag"

a week or a few after the bday, the gem is finally ready. everyone is excited until steven asks how this is gonna work. peri is like UHHHHH... 😊 and lapis is just "eh just take that one out, stick this one in!" peri goes NNNO- but after some damage control and telling everyone steven will be fine hes like "well i better get some good sleep then. big day!"

there's more but im done typing my fingers are about to go peridot and fuckin fly away let me know if you want the like 1other episode and the minisode after that