#but then also feel miserable and hateful towards yourself because what have you ever done to deserve all of it?

[niadotcom]

.

[criminalamnesia]

everyone’s asking for a part two so here is more angst bc cedar by gracie abrams is perfect for this [ also inspired by what @shotmrmiller said in their reblog :)) ]

part one here

part three (aka version 1 of the ending) here

part three (ending version 2) here

it’s odd coming home to an empty house. unnerving, even. he doesn’t like it— dislikes it even more than he did your celebrations. fuck, he’d kill for those damn streamers right now.

“love?” his voice is soft as he calls out into the dark, once lively little flat. it hasn’t felt this big since before you had moved in.

he takes a few more steps inside, toeing off his boots and letting his backpack fall to the floor. by now, you would’ve been launching yourself into his arms. where were you? you’d never missed the day he came home. ever. you would have it marked on your calendar from the day he left, exclamation points and stars decorating the date.

“love?” he calls again, his voice a little louder. he keeps moving; notices there’s no smell of freshly baked goods or a home-cooked meal.

he rounds the corner, his eyes instantly finding the little note propped up on the dining table. eyebrows furrowed, he approaches. it’s addressed to him, clearly in your handwriting.

he reads it, and he really should’ve seen all of this coming.

he doesn’t cry. doesn’t even feel sad, really. it’s not like he hadn’t loved you— he had, but sometimes you made it really damn difficult to. your constant touches and words, doting on him, talking his ear off about this and that. he’d loved it at first, then came to tolerate it, and eventually he found himself hating it.

it wasn’t fair to you. he didn’t hate you, he hated the naivety. the unconditional love. partners were supposed to show each other that kind of love, were they not? so why did he come to despise it?

perhaps it was some deep rooted self-hatred. something dark and twisted inside of him that had done too much and taken life. killed and killed and killed. watched his comrades die in a number of ways. slowly. quickly. suddenly. brutally.

it hollowed him out, but it was his job. it was his job to do what he could for the damn world— get his hands dirty so people like you would never have to worry about a damn thing.

he should’ve seen it coming. you had been acting a little odd the last time he was home, he realizes now. detached, almost. quieter. he had cherished the quiet then.

now it was weird. he didn’t know how to feel.

he placed the note back down onto the table before making his way into the kitchen. some utensils were missing. some plates and bowls. the colorful dishrags you’d hung from the stove handle. the little plant you’d stationed in front of the window above the sink.

all the pictures of the two of you remained on the fridge. he could see in the photos how he slowly became detached. but you— god, you wore that dazzling smile in every photo.

he turned around and headed towards the bedroom.

——————————————————————

there wasn’t really any defining closure. you’d left the note, sure, but he hadn’t gotten to speak his piece.

would he have begged you to stay? told you to leave?

he didn’t know. all he knew was that it wasn’t fair to you, how he acted. what he did.

he also knew that if you called, or if you showed up and said you forgot something, or hell, if he saw you on the street, he’d say something. apologize at least, because that’s the least you deserved.

but you didn’t, and after a few days, he stopped thinking about you. what you’d be telling him right now if you were there. stopped thinking about how you sang when you cooked dinner. how you would reach for his hand when the two of you were in the grocery store.

how you would throw those damn ‘welcome home!’ parties.

he fell back into who he was, and your memory became nothing but a minuscule dot on a large piece of paper.

but for you? you had been miserable when you’d shown up at your friends apartment. cried into her shoulder as you told her about the note. sobbed as you realized that he didn’t care about you, and how you’d wasted so much time on this man who didn’t give a damn.

but even still, when you stirred in the middle of the night, you expected to feel his hands around your body. expected him to press a kiss to your head as you drifted back to sleep.

you woke up and expected him to be there. you forgot that he wasn’t yours. you found yourself missing him, even though you’d starting doing that far before you actually left.

it took the man you loved days to move on. it took you months— almost a year. he put you in fucking therapy, for god’s sake, because that shit messes with someone.

loving someone so completely, so wholly, only to finally realize it’s one sided? it’s crushing. he crushed you. but you picked up the pieces, and you put yourself back together.

you move on. find someone who actually cares for you— someone who communicates and doesn’t lose interest. someone who appreciates your enthusiasm. someone who returns it.

and when the man that broke your heart several years ago tries to stop you on the street one day,

you keep walking.

[atinyniki]

big heart, little actions.

group: stray kids !

pairing: idol!lee minho x f!reader

genre: angst, fluff

warnings + additional info: reader is referred to as y/n, established relationships, horror movies, nightmares, crying, reassurance, love confessions.

authors note: had a thought... so i wrote it ! this is also not proofread. english is not my first language, so please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors. happy reading :)

wc: 919

everyone knows how minho is, even his members. ever since you started talking, you’ve had to learn to get used to it. it was a little difficult to rid yourself of your habits, but you wanted to be as amazing of a girlfriend as you possibly could be to him.

unfortunately, that meant almost no touching. sometimes he’d hug you or hold your hand, but that was just about the extent of it. he did show love in other ways, of course.

he’d buy you gifts, help you make dinner, spend lots of time with you, but you crave more. it feels selfish to want even more than the things he had to offer, but you can’t help it. 

you’re big on skinship but he isn’t. you need to respect that, so that’s what you do. you show affection in the same ways he does, as to not clash with any of his boundaries.

today though, it became incredibly difficult. work has been getting incredibly exhausting, and you’re thinking about quitting. although it isn’t the best option, you’re miserable there. 

your boss hates you, as do your coworkers, completely confused as to why you’d work so hard with a rich boyfriend. things only got worse from there.

“jagi? i’m home!”

you turn your head slowly towards the door, giving him a light smile. “hey…”

“bad day?”

you nod your head lightly, and minho walks to the kitchen to fix you a plate of the food he brought home. 

he brings it to you once he’s done, sitting on the couch next to you but keeping a fair distance. “you wanna watch a movie? just to get your mind off it?”

“sure.”

the two of you sit in silence while the movie plays, jumpscares coming from every which direction. you flinch every time you see one, curling closer into the corner of the couch.

you don’t want to say anything of course, as it seems like minhos enjoying this. you try to suppress your little whimpers, squirming in your seat as to not disturb him. 

the movie ends, but you don’t even notice it, still too shaken up. “you okay?”

you only nod, scared that if you talk you’ll just spew out your fears along with word vomit.

you stand up, “i’m a bit tired. probably going to go to sleep…”

minho is a little confused, he knows how much you hate going to sleep early. you climb into bed, minho not far behind. “i’ll sleep too, then. i have nothing better to do anyways”, he giggles.

you smile at the sound of his laugh, missing the way his face would always scrunch up and show his perfect bunny teeth.

still too exhausted to speak, you lay down onto your side of the bed, facing minhos back.

you want to reach out so badly. you want to tell him to come closer, to hold you. to kiss you. but you can’t. the two foot long distance between the two of you still remains, but you’re too tired to cry about it now. 

you slowly drift off to sleep, trying not to think about it.

the peace didn’t last for long of course, and your slumber is broken by a blood curdling nightmare. maybe you shouldn’t have watched a horror movie tonight.

you suppress your sobs, keeping them down so that minho doesn’t hear, but it’s already too late.

he turns around, looking you in the eyes with a concerned look on his face. “why are you crying…?”

“oh, it’s nothing. just a nightmare.”

he nods in acknowledgment, thinking about ways he could possibly comfort you. you can tell he’s thinking just by the look on his face, but you don’t know what it’s about. 

you continue thinking about what happened in your nightmare, your sobs getting a little louder. minho didn’t notice it before because he was thinking, but it breaks him out of his trance.

almost immediately, he grabs your arm, pulling you flush against him. your eyes go wide, incredibly confused as to what’s happening right now.

he swipes away one of your tears with his thumb, his actions tender. “why don’t you ever touch me?”, you whisper.

he looks down at you, a little confused. “is my touch not comforting?”

“what? i- no! that’s not it, don’t worry. i just don’t like much physical contact.”

you nod your head, finally accepting the fact that these things aren’t gonna happen often, as much as your truly want them to. 

he cups your cheek with his hand, looking at you with stars in his eyes. “i love you.”

he catches you by surprise once again.

“what?”

he pulls you closer to him, nuzzling his nose against your cheek. “i love you. i’m sorry i don’t show it.”

before you can say anything, he cuts you off with a kiss. more specifically, the best kiss you’ve ever had.

the first kiss he’s ever given you.

“minho? is something wrong…?”

“no? why would anything be wrong?”

“i don’t know, you’re just… acting all sappy”

his heart clenches, he knows you don’t mean it in a bad way, and that you’re just confused. “i… i don’t like seeing you cry.”

he pulls you even closer again, kissing over your eyelids and gently rubbing your back with his hand.

you start crying even more, finally giving in and wrapping him in a hug. “thank you… i really needed this.”

“i did too.”

a moment of silence.

“minho.”

“hm?”

“i love you too.”

<3

[totally-not-here-for-the-smut]

So, @arcanavoid made me thinking about Lucio in their post

WELL THEN LETS TALK ABOUT LUCIO YOU BITCHES

Pleas keep in mind that I'm right now very drunk and I'm not a native speaker and the autocorrect for this phone can only do so much Also I'm in a different time zone so if you see this at, like 10 in the morning or whatever, no worries bc now is definitely night here and I also program my posts I have not a drinking problem thats why I cant hold my f-ing liquor

WELL THEN MY DEAR LUCIO and

WHY

as a person who is very close to people with serious mental illness, like i legit live with them

I THINK LUCIO'S ROUTE IS SO GREAT

Let's start with an assumption: we're all assholes. Somewhere in our life, maybe in the past, or present, or future, we are huge AH. It's not like we're evil and condemned to hell, it's just that as humans we're small, petty and miserable so we behave badly and are very selfish when big difficulties challenge us. Like, sometimes we manage to scramble enough willpower and common sense to act decently as we're afraid and suffering, but lots of times we don't and make shitty things. So here's my first point:

1. We all are a Lucio sometimes. Or often.

Like, way more than we want to admit. We're afraid, we're too full of ourselves, and we behave in petty ways. We're mean towards strangers, we feel happy in humiliating them and showing the world how better than anyone else we are. We need something bc we live in a world that doesn't grant basic human rights (food, shelter, health, safety and human connection), so we strain to get those things, sometimes at others' expenses. Then we tell ourself that those people deserved our scorn and malice because they're bad, and we tell us such lies because facing the guilt of what we've done is painful and complex.

We need to show ourselves we're better, so enjoy picking at others' mistakes without caring who they are in a whole (this is super easy on the internet). All this while low key ignoring what bad we're more or less responsible for.

And we are. Like, if you ever did buy something on sites like shein, you are actually exploiting poor people who are basically slaves. And you're keeping a blind eye on it.

But you know what? You're not evil for this. We're weak sometimes, we're tired, we have little time and really don't have the lucidity to think whether this stupid chicken breast is full of hormones and antibiotics or not. We're humans and we're small. Often we're sad, afraid and tired and we need a malicious self esteem bost.

Often, we're Lucio.

2. A flaming piece of trash can change. And doesn't need others' forgiveness to do so.

Did you notice how everyone is so eager to show of other people are wrong and bad and evil? That's because they, and we as well, need reassurance about how we're the hero of the story.

That's because we can't tolerate being the flaming piece of trash, because the the flaming piece of trash can't change and everyone hates them.

This idea is stupid.

It doesn't matter how low you fell. How many people you hurt, how many times you made the same stupid mistake or how many people deeply despise you. You still can change.

That's why is

So

Important

To have a Lucio route where it's shown he can choose to be better, no matter how deeply wrong his past deeds were.

The moment we understand this concept is the one our guilt becomes less heavy and we start being less judging of others. Granted.

This doesn't mean you're entitled to people's forgiveness - but the fact that YOU are willing to forgive yourself means that you can really change and forgive others. If some people won't forgive you, it will be fine, no need to hate them: you can always find new people to gift your better self to.

This is what happens to Lucio. Will Asra ever truly forgive him for making him and orphan and killing you? No. But this doesn't mean that Lucio will be a villain forever. He will be still able to change, become a good man and gift his goodness to the MC.

As MC says to Julian: you can always come back.

3. What it takes to change

Now, I'm in general rly humble when talking about mental health bc I'm no doctor nor therapist. But living with people who went through hell and managed to survive (and knowing people who sadly didn't), made me able to figure a couple of things. So, brace yourself. I'm about to give you the ultimate recipe of healing.

It takes two things:

Compassion and Accountability

When all is said and done, this things are the two main things it takes to change and heal. Compassion for believing you can change and deserve happiness, seeing the world through other people's eyes and accountability to motivate you into stop being a dick and owning the shit you did (so yeah, maybe you should stop blaming your parents for who you are, sry, but it doesn't serves your cause).

and there's one and only one way to get them:

Positive human connections.

That's it. When you go to the bone to it, that's how one can change, heal and survive.

It's reduced to the very bone, simple idea: the whole process is much more complicated and it's ok if you get lost in it. But at the very root, this is it.

And this is WHY Lucio's route it's so great:

MC shows compassion, because they don't recall him doing anything bad to them.

MC helps him being accountable. They doesn't shelter Lucio from his guilt, never.

MC believes in them but NEVER puts up with their shit

MC doesn't believe his lies and doesn't lie to them either. No games: they talk through everything, they're kind but firm and true.

MC helps him accept other people's scorn towards him

I love this route because it's the one where the MC is the most clever. There's a murder mistery? Let's ask the ghost of the murdered one who did it. Everyone is mad at him? Let them be. Not bc "he deserves it", but bc people are entitled to be mad at him and to their idea about him. He has troubles with his mother? Don't get between them. Listen, understand, let them unravel their shit. Ghosts are mad at him? Sit with him, but don't do his emotional weightlifting. Mc puts Lucio in front of his deeds and holds his hand as he deals with them.

Folks: THIS is how it's done irl.

4. No dumb justification & the danger of privilege

There are a lot of shows about "why villains are like this" that paint them as a poor misunderstood saint who was mistreated by their parents. Like in Once Upon a Time or the Disney Villain's Live actions. I hate that stuff because they distort the plot to make the villain a misunderstood anti heroe who was a victim all along, so he's justified.

Guess what: they're not. If you actions are evil there's no justification. No retelling of your story: you made very bad choice and were an AH and that's it.

This is what happens with Lucio: in his route his story doesn't gets to be retold. It's an honest story about how Lucio, the villain, can choose to be the better man and benefit from it. It's a story about the inherent dangers of Privilege:

Lucio's story shows how dangerous privilege can be: he wasn't hold accountable for his actions while he was alive, bc he was pretty, powerful and rich. He loses his privilege, he gets his ass kicked, he find motivations to change in his desire to be loved. I know irl folks who got to adulthood without having to face how shitty they were bc of social privilege. It literally kept them from changing, healing and be happy. So beware, folks. Your privilege might be harming you in the first place, and the day you will face who you truly are without it WILL come. The later, the worst.

So, this is why I love Lucio's route. It's relatable and helps us to find the courage to face our demons, knowing that we can change. Knowing that we can forgive ourselves and accept others' scorn. It WILL be hard, it WILL be painful, there WILL be consequences, but eventually it will be worth the hassle.

So, long live the goatman, for he can change. And so do we.

[piliberry]

Demon Slayer Headcanons

Genya, Tanjiro, Inosuke and Zenitsu x GN reader (Orange cat behavior)

Request of @miserable-homo-momo

Genya

💜 At the beginning he didn't like you at all, he couldn't stand your behavior is so childish and he hated every single prank you played on him.

💜 You enjoyed seeing his exaggerated reactions and you did it just to get him to notice you, even if he couldn't understand it right away.

💜 "You're really unbearable! I swear I'll punch you" and you consequently looked at him amused "so why haven't you done it yet? Do you care about me so much?" his would turn all red and he would leave pissed off.

💜 After the fight against Hantengu, You noticed that he was changing and had become kinder towards you...at least he tried.

💜 "I'm sorry for answering you badly... even if you exaggerated every single time" he said it slightly annoyed, but in reality it seemed to you that you were bothering him too much "you're right...I'm sorry on my behalf...although it's fun to do haha! "

💜 Little by little you got closer and closer, and Genya started to better understand a feeling that he had hidden for a long time that he felt for you... and one day he wanted to be completely honest with you.

Tanjiro

❤️ Tanjiro thinks that you are very nice, maybe you exaggerate every now and then but he forgives you easily. As he got to know you better, he realized that he had feelings for you and when he sees you he ends up stuttering and blushing.

❤️He is very present for you, he will do anything to help you and you find this generous and kind-hearted side of him adorable. Without being seen, he tells every single detail about you to his sister because he knows she wouldn't tell anyone.

❤️When you tease him, he gets embarrassed very quickly but it manages to be too honest to be funny.

" In your opinion... do I have nice eyes? I want you to be sincere " you look at him smiling "Um...um...um...yes...t-they are so beautiful..." he replies not looking you in the eyes and laughing nervously, you look at him blushing " oh...thanks".

❤️When he goes on a mission, he brings you some little gifts and tells you happily "when I saw it I thought of you!" and you immediately think it's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done to you and you always accept it willingly.

❤️One winter night, you were together chatting about everything and on that fateful day Tanjiro decided to confess "I...I have something to tell you...I hope it's the same for you too..." you immediately answer him " do you want to go out with me?....oh I'M SO SORRY " but he smiles at you confused "uhm...actually yes...you're right ahaha..." there was a minute's silence.

"Anyway yes...I would really love to go out with you "

❤️Ever since you got together, everyone thought you were a really nice couple, in fact later you got married and your love has always remained faithful between you.

Inosuke

💙You really hate each other a lot: on the one hand you can't stand his wild character and his constant shouting, on the other hand he can't stand it when you always make fun of him and laugh at his outbursts.

💙You also tried to get along with him, but every time he calls you "stupid cat" you feel like punching him and you almost didn't succeed. Every time he thinks he's better than you in everything, especially in combat, and you try to ignore it but when it crosses the line you can't control yourself.

💙 "You can't compete with me you stupid cat! "

"You're the stupid one here! You don't even have a brain and you just end up getting us in trouble"

" WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY YOU BITCH!? "

" YOU HEARD ME YOU UGLY IMBECILE "

" Tanjiro please stop them"

" No no...you do it Zenitsu"

💙Over time he became friendlier, he started to have more respect for you and you did too...everyone was amazed at your behavior... but obviously you continue to insult each other.

💙For your birthday he gave you a gift... quite strange... like...a bag with your face badly drawn on it...he's not good with gifts but at least he gave you one.

💙 "Do you happen to know what a kiss is? "He looks at you confused " Um yes...don't you? " he pretends to know "of course of course I know! In fact I always do it" you look at him amused "and would you give it to me?" Inosuke laughs nervously "could you...give me one actually...because...I heard...um..." you didn't understand what he wanted to do but when in doubt you please him, you give him a kiss on the cheek and he is shocked.

Zenitsu

🧡 " (Y/N)!!!! How are you? You look so cute today haha...do you want to..."

" Please don't talk to me ".

🧡Ever since he developed a crush on you, he never left you alone, you liked him a lot but...it was really oppressive and just made him a loser (who deep down you liked that way).

🧡He was such a coward that every time he would hide behind you and beg you to help him on some difficult mission.

"You have to help me! There's no way I can do it alone! "

" Okay...but you owe me a favor"

" I'll do anything you want I promise! "

"perfect...first we have to go through this road...ZENITSU DID YOU ESCAPE???"

Obviously he would go back because he couldn't abandon you like that.

🧡You happen to find some love letters from him, he wrote a lot of poems for you but they're so sappy it gives you a stomach ache.

" For my dear (Y/N)~ I hope to marry you one day! "

🧡You've seen him in his "fight" mode more than once and it makes you wonder how he does it (you find he so cool! But you're ashamed to tell him and pretend nothing happened).

🧡“Are you going to marry me or not?”

"Don't you think it's a little early? And then I never told you that I like you"

" DO YOU LIKE ME!? "

"But why are you screaming like this...anyway...I don't know"

" Please I need to know! I'm madly in love with you! "

"what a pain...yes I like you...are you happy now?"

" I'M SO HAPPY AHAHA "

"...stupid..."

[inkblot22]

Shattered Glass

I have been putting zero effort into these titles lmao help me

TW for yandere, captivity, sadism, physical abuse, condescending behavior. Yandere punishments are something I'd like to write more of, so this is what that is.

You hate it when he takes off his glasses.

You don’t even know what you did wrong this time. Why is he upset? He always does the same few motions, same few things before he “disciplines” you, and you always hate it.

First, he takes off his glasses and places them calmly by his side. He always does so, never faltering once in his tradition. Is it because he doesn’t trust you not to break them when you inevitably fight back, or is it because he doesn’t want to risk them falling off of his face or getting fogged up or something similar? You don’t know, and you’d argue that you don’t want to know.

Trey slips them off of his face and tucks them in his pocket, giving you a wan smile, his eyebrows furrowing ever so slightly as he takes a few steps closer to where you sit on your makeshift bed in this dumb gardening shed.

His voice is neutral when he speaks, “Honey…” That’s the other thing he does. Step two. Trey uses some pet name to refer to you, his voice betraying no emotion as he steps closer towards you. It makes you feel tense, triggers that primal fight or flight reflex into freeze. When he crouches before you and cups your chin, that thin smile falling into a disappointed frown, you do the same thing you’ve always done.

You shove him away and try to run. You would imagine after however many months you’ve been here, you would have learned your lesson on trying to fight back or get away, because it plays like it was rehearsed. You kick backwards after shoving his hands away from you, sprawling out onto the thin mat you’ve called a bed for the past three or so months before you regain your balance and swivel your body so you can run.

Trey is sweet. Trey is sweet and kind, he has this warm, brotherly personality and a generous heart. But Trey is also a sadistic asshole, which is why he always waits until you’ve taken one step, only one step away from being out of arm’s reach, to grab your ankle and yank backwards as strongly as he can.

Trey isn’t a small guy either. When he does it, every single time it plays like a twisted slapstick cartoon, with you crashing to the ground with a resounding thud, rattling the old rakes and shit in here. And every time it happens, he always makes this smug little face, especially when you start kicking at him.

“Aw, c’mon, honey, don’t do that. You’re only gonna hurt yourself.” He says it like he’s talking to a child.

When he says you’ll hurt yourself, he typically means that he is going to hurt you, but it’ll be your fault. You learned that the first time you had an “argument,” but you suppose you are lucky because he isn’t brutal. He doesn’t derive sick pleasure from the simple sight of you in pain, he derives pleasure from the broken look in your eyes when you give up for the moment. 

With his hands clamped around both your ankles at this point, he smiles briefly and step three begins. He yanks you closer in one swift movement and slaps you hard across the apple of your cheek. It’s always so loud, and you imagine to an outsider you just look more like a married couple in the 50s when it happens. His hands are solid, likely as a result of kneading dough for basically his whole life. You usually have to fight back the tears after it happens, often failing miserably.

As you recover from the blow, that single, stinging blow, he pulls you up by the shoulders and leans close to your face, close enough so you can feel the breath puffing out of his nose on your face. He smiles again before step four in the punishment process occurs.

He calmly explains what you did that caused him to get upset. 

“Why did you think that freshman would help you?” It was a one in a million chance. The gardening shed you’ve been holed away in has been abandoned for a while since Heartslaybul got a much larger, much nicer one, but sometimes the freshmen get the two mixed up, especially since they’re both fairly easy to find and look near identical, the only true difference in peeling paint and other weathering.

Trey’s eyes are sharp when he asks the question. It isn’t why you asked for help, since his denial of the situation he has put you in is nonexistent, and it isn’t how could you ask for help, because he doesn’t expect you to be so irrational that you think you belong here yet. No, he wants to know what you expected would happen, why you thought that your plan would pan out.

His glasses are still tucked securely in his pocket, he’s cupping your chin, and you think you’re out of luck. Because despite all, despite him being a sweet, kind man by nature, Trey is a sadist, and he won’t stop until you break.

[imsleepmhm]

CHAPTER ONE

*Yoongi isn't a idol in this story

TW: abuse, mentions of murder

* if I missed any tell me

_____________________________________

Love, a beautiful but treacherous thing.

It can be sweet and gentle or harsh and bitter, with the right conditions, it could make you feel happy or miserable. It would bring joy to your heart but will leave you empty if things don’t work out for you. It can make you feel like shit when everything is going well in your life. Love can bring people together and fill broken pieces.But most importantly, love is also cruel. Love has hurt people, broken hearts and stolen happiness. But more often than not, it’s the best kind of pain. For every hurt you receive you can get rid of any burden you carry, and give yourself a chance at what you truly desire.

Pain, in all its forms are just manifestations of something better that lives deep inside us. We cannot see it but we can feel it. Sometimes the pain hurts so badly that we feel as though our own soul is being torn apart and we wish to scream and cry. We want to give up all hope on ever finding someone who loves us back.We need to learn how to forgive ourselves too, because there is no cure for the suffering we have caused ourselves. No amount of time, energy, effort nor money can ever repair the damage we have done. Some say forgiveness is easier said than done but we must face the truth; some wounds may never heal. It might take years, maybe even decades but in the end, our pain will become something else, and we won’t even realize it has been taken away until it is gone.Sometimes we find a way to live past the pain. Sometimes we find a way to love someone again. Other times the hurt takes a toll on us, we lose our strength and sometimes we don’t feel whole anymore, we just don’t know whether to smile or frown anymore, whether to laugh or weep. Some people are lucky and others aren't. The only thing one can do is look forward to the next day.

..........................................................................

" y/n, I'm not playing with you. if you walk out that door you're going to regret it.", Jay says as I walk towards the front door with my things.

" I can't stay with you...I can't keep allowing myself to stay in a relationship that is toxic and abusive.", I say. It has taken me long enough to be able to get up the courage to leave him and I wasn't going to let him scare me our of finally leaving.

" Abusive? I have never put my hands on you." , he says and I can feel his glares stabbing me in the back.

" Abuse can be verbal to.", I say finally reaching the door. " We're over."

" I didn't agree to that."

Suddenly he's behind me, pulling me towards him by the hair.

" You wanna be abused so badly, huh?", he says throwing me to the floor.

" I got you."

" Leave me alone, Jay", I yell trying to hurry up and out of here. At this point I don't care if I had suitcase or not because those things can be replaced unlike my life.

" No, you want to leave me? You think you can live without me, huh? I got you.", he says and for the first time in our whole relationship I finally realized just how bad he was. I hurriedly got up and rushed to the door. But once again before I could grab the knob he grabbed me by my hair

and pulled me toward him, moving his hands from my hair to my arm. This time it hurt a lot, his grip was hard and his nails dug into my skin, making me bleed a little.

" You're mine." he growls holding his arm up high as he punched me in the stomach.

I fall on the ground, unable to breathe . I tried to push him off me, but he held me down by my neck.

" Do you hate me?",he asks looking at me while still holding my head up.

" N...no?.", i manage to choke out.

He laughs coldly before grabbing me and making me stand up. He threw me to the couch and I landed on my back. He was looming over me, smiling evilly as he leaned down, placing his hand on my chest.

" Then why are you trying to leave me?", he says slowly caressing my collarbone with his thumb.

" I told you, I refuse to allow you to continue to verbally abuse me. We're supposed to be in love, but this...this isn't love.", I say looking him in the eyes as tears started coming out of mine. There was a time when I was in love with him but now all of our good moments are tainted by the newer version of him.

" What do you mean this isn't love, huh? You want me to drop everything for you all the time? You want me to sugar coat everything you do so that your pride won't be hurt?", he says looking at me with disgust, " This isn't a fairy tale this is the real world. You of all people should know that. You should be lucky that I even want to be with you because no one else ever wanted you."

" Your're going to far. I.."

" No, you're going to far. I gave you everything and yet you act like you're better than me? Without me you would be nothing...without me you are nothing.", he says interrupting me saying the same words he always said when things didn't go his way.

" Do you really think that I would let you walk out on me like that? After all that we have been through? Who was there for you when your dad tried to kill you, huh? Who helped you get away from him? I did...I was the only one there for you...I'm the only one who cares about you...you don't even deserve it but I still deal with you." , he says wrapping his hand around my neck, his hold growing tighter until I couldn't breath anymore and I struggled to move out of his grasp.

" Let...me...go...",i gasped out.

" You deserve to die...just like your father", he said squeezing harder on my throat and pushing me further and further down. I could feel myself suffocating, black dots dancing on my vision. All I could hear was his voice, whispering all the things he did to my father and all the things he planned for me.

" Please...stop...", i whispered in between breaths. But I knew he wouldn't stop. He just kept talking to me, and soon he started hitting.

" You deserve this y/n"

"y/n"

"y/n"

" Y/N...Y/NNN!", I hear a voice say waking me up. I look up to see my friend, Jennie, looking at me worriedly while shaking me.

" Are you OK? It looked like you were having a really bad dream.", she says helping me to sit up.

" Yea, I'm fine. I'm sorry I made you worry.", I tell her hoping that my smile looked natural and not forced.

" You know, when your ready to talk I'm here, ok", she says and I just nod my head and lay back down, knowing that Iost likely won't be able to fall back asleep after that.

[randomsebs]

You really are one of the worst humans alive. Imagine trying to sell your hate for an actress (bc she fucks your celeb crush) as some sort of morally driven public service. Nobody needs this. Nobody cares about the past dirty laundry of some B list actress, except for jealous fangirls like you who are looking for ammunition. Nobody needs you like this. You are useless, a burden, with what you are doing. You could use the time and effort that you put into this into helping your local community instead (and don't lie "I AlReAdY dO ThAT", we all know people like you don't gaf), or learn a new useful skill, literally ANYTHING that'd be a net positive for society or even just for yourself, instead you do this. Delete this blog, ask yourself what is mentally wrong with you that you feel and think the way you do, go get help and actually live a life worth a damn.

The fact you all still defend Annabelle, so fucking funny.

You all are sick Zionists who have found their personal idol.

What the FUCK?! What brainwashing did she put you all through? You all are suck-asses. Sick.

The terrible things this woman has done: racism, fat phobia, lying to her fans, supporting her deluded fans to dox her “boyfriend”, supporting Israel (and lying by saying she supports Palestine, you cannot like both sides. That leaves you in the wrong, I’ll get into it later.), posting photos of random people (she doesn’t know) without their consent, and is rumored to be mean towards her fans in real life (speaking from RESEARCH), etc.

About the Palestine issue:

All of Seb’s fans (as I know of) support Palestine. The specific fan pages I am talking about are Soorwellystan and Wintersbucky, they claim they support Palestine yet don’t do shit after she posted about how the Israel people were also being attacked too. Like no shit they’re both being attacked, it’s war. And it’s sad. I support and stand by Palestine, whilst she all of a sudden supports both?

You guys go back and forth like with a man with a fly swatter.

She could commit any crime and you’d all take it and say: “She’s just letting her anger out from all these problems she has going on!”

Wow. Who knew?

You all cower at her feet like a bald chihuahua.

You’d kiss the ground she walks on just to get noticed by Sebastian.

You guys seriously hate him this much, that you hate all his GOOD exes (that did nothing wrong - except for ale), and all of a sudden worship Annabelle like some type of mythical being.

When his next girlfriend comes you all are going to scream and scream, hate and hate, until he breaks up with that girlfriend. You guys all know he isn’t happy with Annabelle, you all know it, you only like it because he’s very visibly miserable!!!

(80% of the time on his phone or having a forced smile for pap)

This man made multiple comments on how New York changed his life, made him the man he is, how he adores it, and how he could never dream of leaving it. All of a sudden, in the most toxic relationship I’ve EVER seen, he supposedly moved there? No he didn’t.

He is still in NYC he’s just busy currently, currently on jobs, interviews, conferences, Q&A’s, and photoshoots.

In 2020 he switched to the agency: CAA (who is known for making their clients/actors/celebs in the business do PR relationships)

Ale was supposed PR he seemed way happier with her then with Annabelle, body language. It’s all about vibes and body language, not to mention the photos that give his miserable emotions away.

You either are all hired, all just want him to yourself, hate him, or you’re just a brainwashed sheep.

You guys barely do ANY research on it before starting an argument about her so called “innocence”. Talking to you guys seriously melts my brain, I have no clue on what you guys are talking about.

At this point it’s always the same excuse:

“You’re just jealous”, “you’re crazy”, “you need help”, etc.

Here’s my answers to these.

1. I’m taken and in a very healthy, happy relationship. I love my partner and I do not plan to ruin it for a dream that will NEVER happen because he’s a celebrity.

2. I’m not crazy or schizophrenic. My father has BPD and schizophrenia, so thanks for reminding me of that. I got evaluated because I DO have issues going on (as everyone does, and I’m a human being with emotions) and the mental disorder i do have isn’t schizophrenia/psychosis/ASPD. Plus I’m a well-educated person. I don’t speak up about things unless I’m positive about it.

3. I think we got it wrong here. YOU GUYS need help, sending me death threats, insulting me for giving PROOF, other threats, fat shaming me (when you guys have no idea what I look like?), calling me ugly (again, you guys don’t know what I look like), and calling me a narcissistic/schizophrenic weirdo. You all have the proof in front of your face, you all ignore it and take your anger out on us (fellow exposing accounts), because it makes you have some sort of closure.

Anyways…

The photos that we have of them together, Sebastian looked tensed and like he smelt something rotten. I’ve never seen this man act this way before towards any of his girlfriends.

You all hated Margo, Ellie, Leighton, Jennifer, Dianna, and even ale (but ale was also a bad person either way) because he shown adoration for them. You all wish that was you.

You all claim that we’re jealous but in fact we’re not, we’re not kissing Annabelle’s ass to get some kind of “recognition” and “thank you” from Sebastian. It’s desperate and pathetic!! I’ve never seen anything more cringe. You guys are the type of people to be insulted by Annabelle and say: “It was such an honor to be insulted by her”, while tears stream down your faces in happiness.

You guys are the types of people to say: “he won’t ever fuck you” to an exposing account and then open twitter to read thirst tweets about him, read Y/N x Sebastian Stan ao3/wattpad, not to mention the LOADS of thirst edits.

You all claim you support Palestine, yet when Annabelle posted that post for Israel, you ignore it and dare to keep your Palestine flags in your bio?! You stick up for this woman, who is VERY problematic with 10000. POUNDS. OF. PROOF. POINTING OUT SHES HATEFUL (racist, rude, fat phobic, alcoholic, narcissistic, egomaniac, liar, two-faced, Zionist, etc) AND A LIAR, AND CLAIM YOU SUPPORT PALESTINE ?!

You all need to get your ducks in a row and understand what this woman does is on purpose, she made the decision to do this shit, she wants fame, she wants attention. She’s an attention seeking, leech, of a whore. She grew up privileged, she grew up in the business, she knows how to get attention and fame and she knows WHERE to get it from.

The fact she acts like a spoiled, whiny, un-disciplined 13 year old says it all. She’s served shit to you shippers on a platter, you guys would dare to eat that shit. Literally.

It’s so annoying to see you suck up to her as if she’s some type of Greek God. You guys would hold her 100 inch dress up for her if it dragged on the floor. She could bat an eye at you all and you’d scream because she’s the “girlfriend” of Sebastian.

But we all know why you do it. You all do it to be a suck ass.. you all do it for brownie points with Seb. It’s not happening. He doesn’t give 2 shits about her, let alone the attention she’s getting from all of you zombies. You don’t care about her, you guys just like her because he’s visibly miserable with her. You all like that because when he was with Margo, he was visibly obsessed with her, posting her (and captioning it the sweetest things), caught kissing, his eyes would sparkle looking at her, his smile would reach his eyes (and scrunch his nose) with her, and etc.

The fact that she could do/say anything… and you’d all adore her because she’s Sebastian’s girlfriend, it’s disgusting. You all like him with this rude, hateful, and problematic girl because you all know she’s the polar opposite of everything this man stands against. We all know he’s unhappy but the fact I have to personally come out about here like this and point out the flaws of this - forced relationship - out to you guys, is truly funny. You all know what you’re doing, you all are just too excited.

I hope he has a secret girlfriend behind the scenes and I HOPE some people expose that (if it is true).

This is how some of you seriously act:

[v0idtalking]

July 1st, 2023

angry angry angry angry. hate this man angry angry hate hate hate him.

can never get rid of him either bc we are so fucking poor and have no choice I hate this country. i hate the supreme court too are you fucking kidding me not only do i have to deal with this fucking situation even though they are fucking divorced and im an adult (theres a child in the mix and i have to watch her suffer like i did and provide for her where he doesnt) but i also have to deal with increasing hate crimes and the descent into fascism and my country actively and legally discriminating against me. dont even get me started on the isolation and neglect and my powerlessness when it comes to both those things. i fucking hate.

it is so hard to keep going toward a future where i might be happy because i simply might be too poor or i might simply get fucking killed or simply fall into a depression again and again and again. it never ends. never a way out. i can only keep going and i will keep going for her because I have no choice no fucking choice never a choice and on the rare chance i do im sure I usually make the wrong one. even if i make the right one im always fucking in a rut. doomed since birth because of who and what and where and when and it never leaves and tends to get worse even under the illusion of getting better.

so angry so angry its already so hard and im just about in the most vulnerable and difficult and disheartening position out of all of them and he then goes and makes it fucking harder and im powerless and cant do anything EVER! im a fucking kid again and I will never forgive him. i never have. ive only been civil unlike fucking him.

i love parts of him but mostly i dislike the whole of him. I know i dont have to justify anything he knows what he's done over and over and how he's purposely and directly and to our faces hurt all of us. I dont have to justify but i am not as heartless as he is and i need to keep with that. i dont wish him ill will but i want him gone for almost forever and when he is gone from this world i will mourn but i will dually feel relief and if that isnt the saddest thing.

you miserable little man. are you proud of yourself. is this all worth it. you're pathetic. Yeah I will keep fucking going and it will suck the whole time but at least one day ill get us away from you and your power over us.

the power which is only financial. men like you have no power. there is only ash in your mouth where you convince yourself there is the sweetness of superiority, the sourness of being a victim. you delusional pathetic ass. one day you will be entirely alone. I will get us out from under you, out from under this scheme you pulled.

and you will have nothing. you will be nothing. and it will be your fault. and you know that. you perpetuate it for your insecure delusions. and we know it too. so go ahead and wait. god knows I am. im really just biding my time here. you may have the advantage now. but that will change and when it does you will never hear from me. i will be gone and in my absence there will be power. fuck you.

you know how this ends. enjoy your selfmade condemnation. it will feel a lot worse than how youve made us feel and what im feeling now. live with it you miserable old shit. try living with yourself and see what happens 🖕

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #150

What kind of movies are you drawn to? Horror for sure, and I also like those with complex fantasy worlds. Well-written, interesting stories are what I care about most, though. Wholesome stuff is also excellent, like I'll always be a Disney and Pixar fan.

What breakfast are you most likely to have? I tend to go through phases where it's almost always cereal or a meal replacement shake.

What career field could you see yourself in? Something involving artistic expression.

What section do you drift toward at bookstores? Young adult fantasy stuff.

Do you like fried chicken? I actually hate it.

Do you think your parents are proud of you and what you do with your life? Mom tells me she's proud of me for how hard I fight and try to improve, but I feel like a disappointment regardless. I don't know how Dad feels.

Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad and his wife do.

Do you enjoy classic rock? I definitely do.

How do you discover new music? Primarily YouTube recommendations, but also Girt.

List three things that you love about your favorite season. The variety of leaf colors, the temperature, Halloween and its whole aesthetic.

Zombies or unicorns? Unicorns. :')

Candy corn or conversation hearts? omg I absolutely hate both, but candy corn is still worse imo, it's fucking wax

Brownies or cookies? Brownies, generally, but there are times I'd prefer cookies.

What are three of the most disgusting foods, in your opinion? Balut, escargot, clams.

Have you ever had a migraine? UGH yes, it's a fucking miserable experience and I'm VERY grateful they are extremely rare for me.

What’s one medication that you take every day? I take a whoooole lot more, but Wellbutrin is one.

Who was your third grade teacher? Her name was Mrs. Britt.

What’s the weather like today where you live? It's rainy all day on-and-off, and it's quite chilly for this time of year (65*F).

What is one thing you like that a lot of people don’t? Vulture culture, which is basically the use of naturally deceased animals and their parts for artistic creation. I do think it can be done distastefully, but there are breathtaking VC pieces created with much love from the artist.

What is one thing that everyone else seems to like that you don’t? Television. I've started liking it more when I'm watching stuff with Girt, but in general, it really doesn't interest me.

When was the last time you went swimming? Recently, because I did some aqua therapy at PT versus always on land.

Do you have other identities/words you relate to/associate with but don't necessarily identify as? I guess somewhat nonbinary, like gender just means nothing to me personally and I'm definitely a mix of both the traditionally feminine and masculine, but I'm perfectly fine with being a woman to myself and others, I have no interest in transitioning.

How do you want to be perceived as, aesthetically/socially? (i.e dainty, mature, strong, child-like, ethereal, etc.) Uh, strong is definitely one. I'd like to be less skittish and jumpy, and able to stay calm in tough situations. I always want to be seen as a caring person.

Does your partner share your orientation? (Do they identify the same as you?) No, I'm pan and he's straight. We're both cis, though.

When was the last time you experienced a pleasant surprise? Girt showed up with flowers when he came over last as a congrats on finishing physical therapy. <3 I had no idea, but it was really sweet.

When was the last time you were in any amount of pain? This is super super minor for now, but I'm definitely feeling my period incoming because of cramps.

What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed inside? How about outside? Hell, weeks. Maybe even around a month. Outside, I'm really not sure, but probably sometime as a kid.

Who was the last person to hug you? Do you hug this person often? Girt, and yes, every time I see him.

What was the last show you watched? Have you seen it before, or is it something you’re watching for the first time? Girt and I finished watching Dark the other day; we watched all three seasons so it definitely wasn't the first time haha.

Do you enjoy Jim Carrey movies? I do, he's a really funny guy imo with fantastic and very recognizable acting skills, and from what I've heard he's a hell of a good guy too.

Do you remember what the last kind of gum was that you had? Not really, but I thiiiink some mint thing.

Do you enjoy watching shows about survival? Why/why not? They can be interesting; my mom likes watching Naked and Afraid a lot, and while you can learn some cool things, for me personally I've always found these kinds of challenge shows pointless just because of how miserable the contestants always end up. Like the psychological and physical toll you take just to say "yeah I survived in the jungle for a month despite not actually needing to" is SOOOOOO not worth it imo.

Do you have any nicknames for your significant other? Well "Girt" is already a nickname, it's just how I've always known him. He gets the usual partner petnames as well.

Have you ever set up your best friend with someone? Yes and then we flirted behind her back and he eventually broke up with her because he wanted to be with me despite not even ACTUALLY knowing each other christ I would kick 12 y/o Brittany off a fucking mountain lmfao

What’s the worst car accident you or a friend has ever gotten into? I'm not sure. Seeing the picture of my little sister's old car when she got in a wreck with a fucking 18-wheeler makes me want to say that, like the car was entirely totaled, but Nicole - thank fucking god - came out with only seatbelt bruises/scars and I think a headache and general body soreness. You would NOT have expected her to come out even alive; that was a super fucking scary day, I can still hear in my head my mom sobbing on the phone with Ashley finding out where she was and straight bulleting for the hospital. It took her a LONG time to stop crying, long after seeing that Nicole was fine. I don't think I have ever in my life seen my mom that scared and upset.

Has one of your exes ever been the cause of a breakup between you and a boyfriend? No.

What’s something that has made you realize just how much you care and love someone else? When I went into the hospital last March, I was once again freaking out over if I liked Girt in a truly romantic way, but let me tell you, the night he called me while I was there just to talk to me like I was a normal person that he cared to speak to, I fucking knew I loved him, like it was the flip of a switch. Even the staff, who knew me as the gravely depressed patient, could tell how different I was after that. I think the reason it worked that way was I just remembered calling Jason at the hospital right after the breakup when I needed to get stuff from his place, and he was just so "I don't want to be speaking to you whatsoever" and it cut me so deep, deeper than I realized until this phone call from Girt, because it was as if that suddenly healed the wound and shoved in my face, "See? This is how someone is supposed to love you." He called me almost every day while I was there, making time for me even on his work days, and it was always the highlight of that day. This guy just never gives up on me and I owe him so much for that.

What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? My sweet Teddy boy.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without talking to someone when you were mad? A few days.

How long does it take you to normally take a shower? Somewhere around ten minutes. I've never understood how long some people can regularly stay in the shower, like I'm getting clean and getting out.

Have you ever burned incense before? Yes, I like doing that.

Ever been on a picnic? No, but I really want to one day as a date with Girt, once doing so is reasonable with my legs. He was all for it when I brought it up and it made me so happy lol

Do you live with your parents? Only my mom.

What do you call them? Mom/Mama/Ma and Dad/Daddy.

Do you know one of your best friend's major secrets? I actually don't know just how much of a secret it is to his family, but I do know something he certainly doesn't openly share or brag about.

What does your best friend look like? He's tall, slim, pale Caucasian with naturally black wavy/curly-ish short hair but it's graying early like his dad (he hates it, a lot), brown eyes, and he wears pretty normal glasses.

Describe their personality in 3 words: Loyal, reclusive, and funny.

Are you weary of displaying signs of affection for your significant other around adults? Why or why not? Not at all, but also we are adults. I just don't think showing love for someone should be something you should be ashamed of.

Have you ever had red velvet cake or carrot cake? Have you ever made either of those? I enjoy both, but red velvet cake is absolutely on top. I don't bake or even just cook.

If you could see any band/musician in concert, dead or alive, who would you see? Rammstein; not only because they're my favorite, but because their concerts are legendary for how fun and impressive they are.

Are the members of your favorite band still alive? I'm stunned Ozzy is still alive lol, immensely grateful for that, but still. I know he's had at least one bandmate in his solo career to die, former guitarist Randy Rhoads, but I'm not sure about others. Rammstein's lineup is still what it's always been since they started in the 90s.

Who is your favorite rapper? Eminem is the only rapper I know of whose music isn't unordinary for me to like when I hear it.

Favorite country singer/band? Tim McGraw, probably. I do love Carrie Underwood's voice, though.

Favorite female solo vocalist? Honestly not sure, I'd have to think for a while and I don't feel like it.

Favorite male solo vocalist? Again, not so sure on the solo part, so I guess Ozzy by default. His voice is entirely recognizable, like you're not gonna mistake him for someone else, so that makes him stand out, but he's not my favorite voice ever from an audibly pleasing perspective.

Favorite female-headed band? Otep.

Favorite male-headed band? Rammstein.

Who was your favorite musician when you were a kid? Backstreet Boys were first, then Jesse McCartney.

If you had to get a tattoo based off of a movie, what would you get? I actually want a Simba tattoo one day, y'know, the art Rafiki does of him on rock with the addition of his mane and the quote "remember who you are" on it, and I'm even very into the idea of a "hakuna matata" tattoo as someone with such severe anxiety.

What book series do you like? Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland is my reading thing now.

Name one biography you’ve read? I read Ozzy's autobiography as a teen.

Do you have any reading disabilities? No, thankfully.

Who are your favorite artists? I have many, I adore Emil Melmoth's sculpture work, Mothmeister's pictures, Anastasiya Dobrovolskaya is my favorite photographer, and for actual drawings/paintings, I fucking love NukeRooster, Puffygator, Maquenda, Sandara, and Culpeo-Fox, all their social account names bc I don't know personal names.

What is your favorite period of art? I don't really have one.

Do you prefer classic art or modern art better? Both can be fantastic, I don't have a strong preference. I WILL say that I very much enjoy the sheer physicality of classic work, no tablets or fancy Photoshop brushes, etc.

Do you have any art or prints of famous artworks on your walls? No famous work, no.

If you are good, or were good, what kind of things do you/do you think you would paint? Primarily meerkats of course, probably mostly OCs in various RP scenes or just incorporated into cool concepts. I would love to be able to do this, well.

Do you consider architecture an art? OF COURSE, you can't ask an art history student this question and expect them to say no, architecture is some of the earliest and most grand forms of art.

Are you good at photography? I sure hope so seeing as I'm trying to build a career off of it. I do genuinely think I'm better than average at it, but I've still got skills to hone in and also further train my artistic eye from a technical perspective.

Do you know anyone who has ODed or died while high? Well, I didn't know him, but I know of him and care very much about it because this person was Girt's nephew's father. It's an absolutely heart-rending story.

Is weed really the gateway drug? It can be, yes; I know people who started with weed and went worse, so you can't convince me it never is.

Who are your closest friends right now? Besides my boyfriend, Mazzy and Tez.

Have you ever become legit friends with someone you met at work? No.

[broomswept-thoughts]

Ugh, my head is kinda a mess right now. I feel really out of it and bad... my interview on Monday with Harvard is just weighing down on me. I know I’m just in my head about it, but it feels fake. Like I just don’t understand why they would want to interview me or want me when I’m such an average person and student... Like I’ve. Literally and truly. Done nothing of the Harvard-level sorts, nor have I overcome some kind of amazing Harvard-level difficulties or anything at all like that. I don’t know, and I don’t even know if I want to attend given the fact that I wouldn’t be able to work towards a PhD either... Like what. I don’t know. But also maybe this feeling is tied to wanting to run away from this level of pressure and expectation?

I think I’m also stressed because my research is absolute crap and it makes no sense for what I’m doing, I hate it because everyday feels bland and empty and just like I’m waiting for things to collapse and for people to abandon me. I’m just waiting for abandonment, for someone to say “Well I knew you were a disappointment after all. Maybe you were always just doing research because you didn’t know what else you wanted to do with yourself and you didn’t want to deal with the fear and anxiety of not having another goal in front of you. You never even liked research, you never even found research to be that interesting and it’s clear that you have no idea of what you’re actually even doing. I don’t understand why you wasted your time like this, you’re a mistake and you need to go back and figure yourself out before applying. I think you’re going to honestly just waste your life by doing this, honestly, and I’m just telling it to you straight, you were never meant for science or medicine. Why are you even here, aren’t you just pursuing medicine and research for prestige or social capital or to be accepted societally when you’re not even that passionate about anything you do, it’s so clear you find this all to be a stepping stone and you’re just such a superficial person who does things just to be liked but you have no personality or worth on your own. Get into Harvard? Do you think we’re a joke? Do you think people come here to play around? How serious are you even about this, clearly you don’t take anything seriously and you’re just lazy and what you’ve done so far is a fraud. People play you up because they don’t know how you really are, which is to say a manipulative lazy bitch who can’t do anything on their own, someone who’s weak and gives up easily, who never struggled ever and despite that, is still such a failure despite all of the chances and niceties that were given to them. How dare you be so ungrateful and a miserable failure even when you’ve been so blessed with all of these things in your life. You grew up in a suburb, you can manage your health enough to look just like a normal person, your parents could pay for your college degree, you live in a house with internet and utilities and kind housemates, and they and your friends are somehow patient witih someone like you. You have all this, and you’re still a failure? You still can’t do any work? You still can’t even be real with yourself when the reality is that you don’t know anything about anything you do and you continue to be a miserbal failure who fails and, even worse, never does any work to make up for it or to try to alleviate it, you just give up and don’t care. You think that’s the calibre of student we have or want here? Why would we want someTHING like that at our school, do you think we’re a place to harbor failures?”

And so on.

It’s all the insecurities that I feel and harbor based on what Simo told me months ago that I can’t let go because I feel like nothing I do in the lab I am in can let me. I can’t see the end to the crapwork that I’m doing, I’m just confused and lost but also trapped. I’m just praying for the time to go by faster. But I wish that I could enjoy research. But I hate it. I hate it and I feel like I’m wilting, as a person. I don’t remember when I last enjoyed a day doing work at lab, like maybe when I first histogrossing? Because that felt like I was learning something. I enjoyed learning IHC with Subhadeep and Erin, but that wasn’t even in our lab. I feel like crying, I hate that I’m at a point where I’ve basically already given up emotionally and I’m just a deadweight trying to make the time go by faster because I hate it so much here. I hate that I want to try my best but I. What do I do? Where do I go? I’m trapped by wanting to do the 5xFAD project but not even seeing the light or purpose for anything of it other than trying to get my lab results to be as close to perfect as possible. Which is also sort of stupid in my opinion, a bit, but I’m just so stressed about what the purpose of anything of this even is. I’m so tired with it. Maybe I’m just ramping up the stress in my head, but conversations with Simo usually end up being either fine or a months long traumatic experience where I relive the nightmare of having my insecurities constantly replayed throughout the day everyday, for a long long long time.

Had to sob for a bit.

Ugh, I don’t want to go back to lab at all. The pain that I carry from the words said to me just won’t go away, and it’s hard for me to overcome them, no matter how many times I’ve said nonchalantly how I’ve overcome them during my interviews. No matter how many interviews I get, the emptiness and fear of failure is always crawling overhead and around me. The only thing that gets me through is just loud music, I swear. It just hurts, the insecurities that I have about my work when I know that this career path is so intense and will be so much of my life. I’m so scared that I’m making a big mistake, that everything I’m working towards is just for a life of pain and meaninglessness. I’m scared that I’m just going to end up a failure and never amount to anything, that I’m just going to fall to the side because I gave up and things will just never work out because I didn’t try hard enough. I’m scared that maybe this lab is actually just the reality of graduate training, that maybe I’m the one who’s wrong about expecting things to be different or better, that I’m the one who’s lazy and that’s why nothing like work is in the way that I was expecting. Maybe I need to be more confident, callous, or whatever, to get what I want? I wonder if things will just never get better in this way. I wonder if I’m wrong in wanting to pursue research when these past two years have shown me the dirty underside to research in academia and the disgusting powerplays and dynamics that make me want to scream and cry because I feel so trapped. I hate that I see people on my level or the next above me as postdocs be subjected to being used and disregarded in any and every way. I wonder when the fuck it’ll end, how many years you need to commit to being someone’s bitch before you can do what you want. I hate being subjected to the faint restriction of misogyny and racism in the lab where I have to work differently and be treated more harshly or just not seen at all because I’m not a white European American man. I’m so sick of that and also of seeing people that I genuinely care and admire being treated similarly because of that too. I’m so sick of it, I’m so sick of it and I’m sick of also feeling that I need to be accepted to someplace prestigious in order to finally be respected too. I guess maybe the last part is whatever, I can’t care anymore because it actually doesn’t matter how prestigious where I go is when the students these people have liked have gotten interviews and have gone on to places that are maybe not as prestigious. I’m done. Because it doesn’t matter at all, none of it matters because none of it changes how the lab perceives people of color or women/ non-men. It seriously does not matter.

I guess in the end it comes down to playing the game by the tooth and claw by being better than these horrible people and gaining recognition through pain and blood. But I also don’t want that life really either. I don’t want to gain recognition through pedigree or something like being a toxic masculinite. I don’t want people to respect me because I’ll disrespect them more.

[kessicasrps]

I could physically feel my heart breaking when hearing what Eleanor said to me, hating that I wasted all these years on her and Brooke when it was all based on a lie. "Fuck you, Eleanor!" I was so sad and angry at the same time, wanting to blow up at her but also feeling like I wanted to cry. I stayed with this woman so I wouldn't abandon another child and it was all nothing but a waste of my fucking time. I could have been with you and Haley so much sooner. "You are such a fucking idiot and the worst fucking person on the planet. You wanted me all to yourself, you say, but yet you kept fucking cheating on me?! You let me believe your child was mine this whole entire fucking time?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! I fucking hate you and I hate that I wasted so much fucking time on you and your daughter! You are a miserable, cold person and I hope you have a very unhappy life. You remember Jessica and Haley's names and they are way better than you will ever be!," I yell at her, never having shown so much anger towards her ever. Even when we fought in our marriage, I never swore like this or glared at her the way that I was now. "Do you know how fucking diabolical you have to be to let someone believe for years that a child is theirs?! Why would you want me to let Brooke believe she was important when she wasn't even mine?! You are despicable," I spit out at her, just wanting to be away from her and back home with you and Haley right now.

---

"Well, then, since there's no custody to take care of, everything else is settled, and this divorce is now finalized. Louis, you're free to leave," -Lawyer

"I have nothing else to say here, so I'm done as well," I say as I stood up and walked out of the room, making my way to the car and driving off. -Eleanor

I had a feeling that I needed to check on you, so I sent you a text just to send you some support. "I love you. Haley and I are here when you get home :)" I texted you. I was done for the day at work, wanting it to be a short day since your divorce was final today and we wanted to be home for you. Haley was upstairs in her room, playing with her dolls since she had finished up her school work and I was cleaning up around the kitchen, wanting to prepare you something for when you came home. -Jessica

__

"Oh yeah, baby? I give you boners? Tell me more..," I smirk playfully at you as I flirted with you. As I spent more time with you, I was feeling more secure in what was going on between us instead of dwelling on my ex. You made me happy and I was so into you that it was impossible to hide it. "Well, I know after we film those scenes, I am definitely going to need to either cool down or sneak away with you to play out those scenes for real because I am going to be so worked up having you naked with me," I admit to you, running my fingers through your hair. "Are we still on for tonight, babe? We can drop by your place and you can pick up a few things to spend the night at mine again. Just don't pack too much clothing because I promise you won't be needing it," I tease you, staring at you with dark blue eyes.

---

"You do more than give me boners," I smirked at you as I squeezed your bum a little harder than I already was. "That's why I said I can always fuck you for real without them knowing," I say seductively. "Or we can always go home together and have all the sex we could possibly have until it's out of our systems and we've cooled down," I smirked as I nibbled at your ear. "We're more definitely still on for tonight though," I grinned. "That sounds like a good idea to me," I say to you. "Oh I know I won't need much clothing," I winked.

[dearhargrove]

Heat

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: basically the sauna scene from season 3 but with you. Also, I changed the events a bit so beware

ʙɪʟʟʏ ʜᴀʀɢʀᴏᴠᴇ x ғ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

𝔱𝔴'𝔰: violence, Billy being an asshole ;(

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 2,974

reader is Billy's age, reader has powers bcs I love that concept

𝔞/𝔫: you don't know how badly I've been wanting to write this but didn't have the motivation... so enjoy! Though this is more for me than anything ngl

masterlist

navigation

Planning how you were going to free Billy from the Mind Flayer was a lot different from executing it. You were as excited as you were scared, having had your lover be distant and hateful for the past weeks. All in all, you were tired of it. You take a deep breath, standing behind the kids and waiting for Billy to realize he'd been locked into the sauna.

You watch as his face contorts into anger and he clenches his jaw, stepping to the glass. The boys back up a little, Billy's presence more than scary.

"You better get me out of here right now, you shitheads." he threatened, his voice low. You gulped, looking around. Lucas was checking on Max, who's been the most hurt from this - along with you. Max gathered herself and raised her head in a brave way.

You turn back to your boyfriend, just as he starts banging his fists on the door, waiting for what he still thinks to be a prank, to be over. You bite your lip, taking pity on him.

You couldn't describe how badly you wanted to open the door and take him in your arms. It'd been so long since he even looked at you with a fond look in his eyes. You missed him. So fucking badly.

You flinch when he falls down, seeing Lucas and Mike cast nervous glances at each other. What's happening?

You can't help but slightly freak out when he starts sobbing. You dig your finger nails into your palm and try to take deep breaths.

The moment he starts whimpering about it not being his fault you break. There's a short moment of no one doing anything. You take a step forward, fully convinced you could go in there and calm him down right now.

Will holds you firmly by your wrist, shaking his head. You breathe heavily, scared.

"It's not my fault, Max." Billy whimpers and you wait for him to say more. Max starts walking towards the door and you get nervous. She couldn't get hurt. You don't think you'd ever be able to forgive yourself if any of them got hurt - but Max especially. She's been somewhat of a little sister to you since you met Billy, so obviously you cared for her a lot.

She stops in front of the window, head tilted downwards, probably to where Billy was sitting.

It was a bit hard to understand, the blood rushing in your ears making it harder to hear. "I've done things, Max. Really-" your heard him gasp through a sob, "really bad things. I didn't mean to. He made me do it." You frowned. While you were all aware of the Mind Flayer taking over Billy's mind, you had never taken into consideration just how fucked up this really was. Sure, you didn't take this lightly. You'd be stupid to.

But the realization that Billy couldn't control what he was doing, that there was something in his mind, was horrifying. And if Max and El had been right and he was the one to abduct all the people, you couldn't imagine the terror he was going through knowing he did that.

"Like a giant shadow." Billy described the Mind Flayer. Max continued asking about what it had made Billy do, but he broke down again - understandably. This was probably his first time since being the host that he had a clear mind, so this must be a fucking lot.

You feel miserable. How did this happen? How could you let this happen to him? All because you got drunk one night and he had to pick you up. Except he'd never arrived and you got a vision later of his car crashing and some big shadow taking him over.

Billy begs for Max's forgiveness and you see her start crying, too. A silent tear rolls down your cheek but you stay silent, waiting for what would happen next.

In the next second Will touches his neck and Billy breaks the glass of the small window, screaming at us to let him out along with other insults.

You gather in the middle of the room, just as Billy starts grunting and lights flicker.

Black veins spread over his torso and he starts throwing his body against the door.

The second it breaks, El steps in front of you, her hand held up.

You have half a mind to push her towards Mike, stepping closer to Billy.

"Billy..." you slowly say, catching his attention. For a second there's a flicker of recognition in his eyes, before the eerie emptiness takes them over again. He clenches his teeth, taking a step closer to you.

"I don't want to hurt you, please..." you cry, tears already running down your cheeks and your hands shaking.

While El was only able to lift things and move them telepathically for a limited period of time, you were a lot stronger and more trained as well as experienced. She had made it out of the lab before she became a teenager, but you had been captured there until you were 15.

He falters for a moment before stepping so close to you, you felt his breath on your face.

"Billy..." you pleased once more and in a moment of weakness you missed his hand shooting forwards, grabbing you by the neck.

You choked on a breath, hands gripping his. You could use your powers but you weren't ready to hurt him. Not him, not when didn't deserve it. "Please..!" you coughed and saw out of the corner of your eye as El's hand lifted and something started tugging him backwards, away from you.

"y/n! Do something!" Max screamed, wanting to help but not being able to. You tried looking at her and realized that you'd have to hurt him in order to rescue him. Taking a breath you turned to him, glaring. You loosen your hands on his wrist, his grip around your throat having lessened due to Eleven helping.

You know he noticed when he tried keeping you in place, but didn't succeed. You raised your hand, closing your eyes. You couldn't do this while looking at him.

The familiar feeling returned to your hands and you closed one to make a fist. You hear him gasp for air before you feel him letting you go. Your eyes start watering as you open them trying to steady yourself.

There was nothing more torture than having to hurt him like this. You sobbed and let your hand fall, whispers of 'I'm sorry.' and 'please forgive me' falling from your lips. You didn't register Billy getting up again and moving towards Eleven.

"No! Get away from her!" you hear Mike yell, picking up discarded pipe and hitting Billy over the head with it. You gather your strength as you see Mike getting in front of El.

"Don't hurt her, you piece of shit!" he grunted at your boyfriend.

You saw it as your opportunity, getting up and lifting both of your hands this time.

You let out a pained noise as you see Billy starting to levitate, his arms stretching and the black of the Mind Flayer flooding his body once again. You walk around him until you're in front of him. "Leave him alone!" you scream, your voice breaking. You watch as the black shadow that had caused so much pain and anger starts coming out of his mouth, that was forced open.

You hear him choking and breathe in desperately, the air coming to you less and less as it was starting to take a toll on you.

You fell to your knees, trying to win this fight that would only last a few more minutes. You didn't feel Eleven helping you out, but you hear as she falls to the floor, passing out in Mike's arms.

The help that she gave leaves abruptly and it all becomes too much as you momentarily lose consciousness.

The friends watch helplessly as Mike and Lucas try getting El out of the way while Max rushed to your side. "No! Wake up!" she sobs histerically.

Billy laughs in the most frightening way so far and lunches forward, Will barely able to pull Max into his arms and out of the way. Billy takes you by the neck just as you'd woken again. He throws you against the wall, the contact making you wheeze as the air leaves your lungs once again.

You try getting up, but before you're able to, he grabs you by your throat and pushes you against the wall. "Not so brave now, huh?" he grins, the empty look back in his eyes.

You see everything as if in slow-motion, Will trying to keep Max from getting back to you, Mike crying while El lays unresponsive in his arms and Lucas.

You see Lucas just as he loads his arm sling with a piece of Metall, fixates it and- it hits Billy right on the back of his head.

But doing nothing.

He only let's out another chuckle, choking you more. "Billy-" you cough, barely managing to raise one hand. You place it on his cheek and a small smile takes place on your bloodied lips. "I love you..." you whisper, dragging your hand to where his heart is.

He blinks a few times, seemingly fighting with the demon inside of him for control.

He misses your other hand moving to the back of his head before you grip his hair and pull his head back, hard.

You close your eyes, nervous as you hadn't done this more than once because it had drained you so bad that you'd slept for two days straight.

You conjure up a picture in your mind. A picture in which the Mind Flayer leaves Billy's body, and instead...

enters yours.

Opening your eyes, you watch Billy's body become numb as the Mind Flayer leaves his body and he falls to the floor. It rushes inside of you and you throw your head back, gasping for air.

You close your eyes once again and start fighting the mindset of the Demogorgon that's threatening to take over yours. You scream out, memories of Billy and the party filling your head. You remember the day he'd taken you on a trip to California, having wanted to show you the beach since forever. The way his hand had felt laying on your thigh the whole ride.

With horror Will and the others watch as your body starts being lifted in the air, the black of the shadow monster surrounding you in an unnerving way. Billy lays knocked out on the floor, and Will makes sure there's no black features left on him before he let's Max go.

She rushes to Billy and shakes his shoulders. "Wake up!" she yells in desperation. When he stats stirring she just hugs him closer. "Max..." he grunts. "Yes, yes, I'm here." she confirms and starts crying harder.

Billy curses under his breath before sitting up and taking in the scene around him. That's when he notices you.

You, as the horrible dark shadow that had been inhabiting his mind for weeks tries doing the same with you. "No..." he whimpers, completely shocked at the situation.

Through the rushing in your ears you hear him. Hear him pleading for you, begging for the Mind Flayer to let you go.

The last thing you feel before passing out is fresh air entering your lungs.

With horror, the group around you watches your body fall to the floor and the shadow flee through the wall, breaking it in process.

-

When you wake up, it's two days later.

As you weren't... normal, they weren't able to bring you to a hospital and Dr. Owens worked too close with the Lab and Brenner for them to trust him.

You open your eyes slowly, looking around. You see the small kitchen and table with chairs, discarded Christmas lights littering the floor.

You then your head to the side and see all of the party sleep on the floor around you. While Dustin and Steve, yes the Steve Harrington who'd become more of a babysitter than anything, were sharing a mattress (with Dustin on the floor while Steve had the blanket wrapped around him and was comfortably taking up the whole mattress), Max was sleeping on the love seat, Will, Mike and El all in sleeping bags in front of the TV and finally, Billy.

He was seated on a pillow, his head resting on the couch close to your stomach. His hand held yours tightly and you smiled. While he didn't look like it, he loved nothing more than cuddling during the night.

You silently sit up, seeing some light on the veranda. Joyce or Hopper probably. You can't keep the small wince from escaping you as sharp pain spreads through your whole body.

Billy wakes startled, looking around before seeing you. You, with a sheepish smile on your face and his hand held tight in yours.

Before he can say anything you put a finger on his lips, motioning him to stay silent. "Baby..." he whisper, emotion flooding his voice.

You nod, a smile on your face. Slowly you get up, tugging him after you towards the guest bedroom where you had slept more times already than you could count.

You two tiptoe through the house until you open the door. He picks you up with care and closes the door with his foot.

When he lays you down on the bed you reach up and tangle your arms around his neck, tugging him down. He grins happily, letting you place kiss after kiss on his lips.

"Y'know, you really scared me when you passed out back there." he mumbles, letting his lips wander over your neck, placing kisses here and there as you brush your fingers through his hair affectionately.

"No way," you acted shocked, "I spooked the Billy Hargrove?" he pouted, moving his head back up and lightly knocking his forehead into yours. "Don't tease~" he whines.

You just chuckle happily. "Really missed you, baby." he murmurs with his deep, rumbling voice.

"Couldn't think while... it was there. Felt like.. I dunno. Lost all control over my body and had to watch as he- as he slaughtered all those people." Billy's voice wavers a bit and you shush him, trailing a hand down his back.

"And none of it was your fault, my love." he just huffs, obviously blaming himself. "If you don't stop blaming yourself I'm going to start blaming myself for not protecting you from this." you raised an eyebrow, knowing very well that in his eyes you could never do anything wrong.

"No, baby, don't say that." he warns. You make a 'really?' face, watching him realize what you actually meant by what you said. He groans, dropping his head next to yours. "C'mon you missed out on me for weeks, there's no way you can resist my charm now." he says and you're quite sure that logic makes absolut sense in his head.

"Billy, I don't know if you've noticed but we're dating. You don't need to charm me anymore, yeah?" he rolls his eyes at you and you weakly punch his torso. "Don't be so rude." He acts like you shot him, dramatically falling next to you and holding his chest.

"You killed me." he deadpans, "only a kiss can make it better~" he grins lazily. Well, not like you mind. You lean on one elbow, laying a hand on his cheek and stroking the skin under his eye. "Have you been sleeping, babe?" you ask, taking note of the dark circles under his eyes.

He frowns, shrugging. "Y'know I can't sleep without you..." he replies, putting one arm over your waist and pulling you closer.

"Well then, it's time for bed, Eh?" you chuckle and he looks at you like you're crazy. "I just got you back from sleeping for days and you're tired again?"

"Hmm..." you pretend to think, "yep." popping the p you turn to the alarm on the nightstand on the side, reading 12:43 AM. You nod towards it and lay your head on his chest, off which he had yet to pull his muscle shirt. "damn, didn't even pay attention to the time."

"Realized that. Now get rid of the shirt, it's bothering me, and then we're going to sleep. No discussions." he grinned, placing a slow kiss on your lips. "God, I missed you so much, baby. You can't imagine." he slides one of his hands under your shirt and just holds you, feelings his skin against yours.

"Me too. Missed you a lot. A small town is kinda boring when there's no one to scandalize the old ladies." you joke and he chuckles.

"Alright, let's get you to sleep, princess." with that he pulls the shirt over his head, leaving his torso and abs free to you. And wow had you fucking missed this.

"You're injured and need to rest so get those thought out of your mind, idiot." he remarks, pinching your waist lightly.

"Cockblock." you pout, even though it was you who'd wanted to rest initially. "Alright, enough insulting your poor boyfriend." he grumbled and pulled the blanket over your bodies.

While you got comfortable on his chest, he already had his nose buried in your hair while enjoying the warmth he'd missed out on for so long.

And here with you and all the people he appreciated, he thought that maybe someday you could all forget about the traumatic events that had taken pace in this cursed town.

very probably going to write a part two with more fluff for this :') anyone else think billy would be the biggest softie secretly?

[havin-a-wee]

If Only She Knew

pairing: dad!harry x cheerleader!reader

word count: 4.2k

warnings: smut (fingering + unprotected sex), cheerleading position implies readers weight, 20 year age gap

hi! ive been having some really bad writers block but i wrote this and even though its def not my best work i like it enough to post it :) also, i totally didn't mean to imply the readers weight, i only realized afterwards, so im really sorry about that. also the age gap is kinda big, so if ur uncomfy with that you shouldn't read this <3

PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU ENJOY

“Geez watch where you’re going!”

You don’t even look up at the girl, recognizing her nasally voice easily from how annoying it is. You were nose deep in a book while walking down the school hallway, and of course your worst enemy had to be walking down the same hallway, at the same time, in the opposite direction. You are both at fault for the collision, considering Ella had her eyes locked on her instagram feed. But knowing the girl, there is no way in hell that she will take any responsibility, even though you are the one who has coffee dripping down the front of your white blouse.

Since middle school, Ella Styles has always hated you. You have never known why, but she seems to have a vendetta against you, and tries her best to make your life miserable. You never let her, always refraining from giving her the explosive reaction that she was looking for. And that makes her hate you even more.

High school is over in 2 months, and although you are going to miss the freedom of being a child, you most definitely won’t miss the people from the tiny town you’ve lived in since you were young. You’ve always been the type of person to have a small friend group, only 4 people in your circle. But that’s how you like it, because crippling social anxiety makes it difficult for you to meet new people.

“I- sorry.” You still don’t look at her, instead peeling the soaking wet top off of your stomach.

“You better be sorry.” She flips her blonde hair, ensuring that the fluffy locks hit you right in the face. You are lucky this time seeing as she didn’t take it further, because sometimes she would purposely embarrass you after small incidents such as this one.

Tears well at your waterline and you run into the nearest bathroom, pushing open the blue door and locking yourself in a stall.

After all these years of torment, Ella rarely was able to get to you. But sometimes, she does something that pushes you off the edge, leaving you with red, tear-stained cheeks. The final straw this time was her ruining your brand new shirt, the one you were anxiously waiting to debut at school.

But now there was coffee dripping down your chest and staining the bright white fabric. Your only saving grace is the cheerleading uniform in your backpack. In fact, you were walking to the locker room to change for practice, and then for the game at 6 tonight.

You had been excited for the game, knowing that Friday night games always led to parties and fun afterwards. You rarely go to parties of course, but the buzzing energy never fails to rub off on you. But now that stupid Ella had to go and mess up your day, you’re dreading seeing her smug face while she asserts her dominance as cheer captain.

You untie your top and rip it off in a haste, frustrated tears running down your face periodically. You could’ve put a jacket on and gone to the locker room, but Ella would be going there soon, and the last thing you want to do is run into her with teary eyes. She can’t know that you let her get to you.

You brush your hands down your uniform, pulling down the skimpy costume and stuffing your old clothes in your backpack. Once out of the stall, you pull your hair up into a high ponytail, reapply your lip gloss and walk back into the hallway, having already done your makeup that morning. You’re happy that it’s a home game today, because the home game uniforms are two pieces and the skirts are smaller than the ones on the away game uniforms. There is a certain someone you are looking to impress, and the way your tits spill out from the top of the outfit will most certainly help you in your mission.

It’s not like you need to impress him, because he’s shown time and time again that he finds you sexy no matter what you wear. And when he doesn’t tell you, he shows you, by pressing his hard on up against your ass after you just woke up, despite your messy hair and bare face.

However, he also loves when you tease him. And that’s exactly what you’re planning to do.

You sling your heavy backpack over one shoulder and trudge down the hallway, the old fluorescent lights practically blinding you on your journey. The locker room is dingy, smelling of cheap soap and Victoria’s Secret perfume. At least it doesn’t smell like the boys locker room, which smells like sweat and more sweat.

It's already bustling with people, your teammates scrambling to get ready in time as to not get yelled at by the coach.

“Y/N!” The familiar shout of your best friend Rose is like a breath of fresh air, and you bound over to her. She’s standing in front of your lockers, the two of you obviously picking ones next to each other. “Wait, why are you already changed?”

“The bitch spilled her coffee all over me,” you grumbled, your eyes shifting over to where Ella and her little goons are giggling.

“I keep telling you, anytime you want me to beat her up I will gladly do it.”

“Not that I doubt your abilities Rose, because I know you would have her on the ground in a heartbeat, but I can’t let you do that. She can’t know that she upsets me.” You lower your voice for the second sentence, irrationally fearing that she can hear you over the loud chatter echoing through the room.

“I still think you should let me beat her up, but you do you I guess.” Rose shrugged her shoulders and turned back to her locker, bursting out into laughter with you after a beat of silence.

The rest of the getting ready process goes smoothly, Rose distracting you from the girl side-eyeing you in the corner. Soon enough, the whole squad was in formation outside, and you have your hands on the shoulders of Rose and another girl named Bethany. You are a flyer, meaning that you’re the one who the bases support while you pose and flip in the air. Its a hard job, but you are one of only three girls on the team who is advanced enough at flying to be safe doing it in routines. One of the other three girls is Ella.

Ella is the flyer for the middle group, seeing as she is the captain. You are on the right and the other group is on the left. Luckily, Rose is a base in your group, so you feel a lot better putting your safety in the hands of someone you already trust with your life.

“ELLA! YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” Coach Habbiths voice is piercing, her angry shrieks bouncing off your ear drums. Ella audibly huffs, displaying her frustration with the critiques she has been receiving since we learned the routine weeks ago. That’s one of the biggest problems with Ella, she believes that she's always right.

Every single practice she has done a needle instead of a scale at the end of the routine. It's aggravating for everyone, and that frustration is amplified everytime she makes the same mistake over and over. “Alright, everyone down. group 1 and group 3 take five, Ella and group 2 stay on the field.

The team obliged to her instructions, and you are brought down from the air.

“Okay Ella, I want you to watch how Y/N does the last move, because she’s actually doing it correctly.” Coach is standing in front of you now, and she emphasized the word ‘correctly’. This is much to Ella’s dismay, and much to your excitement.

Nothing brings you more joy than seeing Ella’s face when you one up her, and this time is no exception.

Aside from a few eye rolls and nasty looks, Ella corrects the move without much fuss. By now there's 15 minutes until the game, and the players have been warming up on the field for about half an hour.

“Did you see her face!” Rose tugs on your arm while you walk back to the locker room, water bottles in hand.

“I know! I should’ve taken a picture!”

“We can only hope that it knocked her ego down a peg.”

“I doubt it” Rose nodded in agreement and you continued your chatter, talking about the random things that best friends talk about.

“It’s go time ladies!” You jumped in surprise when Coach Habbiths yelling booms through the locker room, the hefty amount of metal in the room enhancing the echo.

In a blur, your entire team rushed out onto the field, the crisp air cooling your warmed skin. There was a huge crowd. probably the biggest the teams ever had. But that makes sense, because this game was against your school's biggest rival. Luckily, despite the huge crowd you were able to lock eyes with those piercing green irises you have gotten to know so well over the past couple months. Everytime you see him he gets more and more attractive, and this time is no exception.

At this point, the teams routine is muscle memory and you’re done with it before you can blink. Most people would think that being thrown in the air is memorable, but your main concern is the growing wet patch on your panties that spreads each time you squeeze your thighs together. Just the thought of the man is enough to turn you on, and now that you’re sitting on the cold metal bench your imagination has time to go wild.

The only thing that snapped you out of your daze was the eruption of appaulause from the audience, and the realization that the other cheerleaders were standing up and running towards the players. You breath out a sigh of relief, recognizing the cheering as a signal that the game has ended.

“Hey, you coming?” Rose tugs on your arm, looking down at you still on the bench.

“Um, actually I don’t feel so well, I think I’m going to go home.”

“I should’ve known. You know, one day you’re going to have to go to a party.” Rose places her hands on her hips, giving you a sarcastically annoyed stare.

“And today is not that day.” You grab your backpack and sling it over your shoulder, turning back to Rose for a second. “Have fun and be safe.”

“I always do.” Rose places a chaste kiss on your cheek before turning back to the gathering crowd on the turf.

Instead of heading to the sidewalk and walking home, you duck under the bleachers and walk down the gravel path, pushing open the fence that separates the field and the school. The contents of your backpack slosh around while you sway your hips as you walk. Finally, you make it to the back wall of the school, leaning your back against it and plopping your heavy backpack down by your feet.

And now you wait.

Much to your convenience, the wait this time isn’t long, only five minutes passing before you see the familiar man following the same path you did earlier.

He has a pair of brown slacks on, pressing against his waist courtesy of his black belt. A button up white shirt hides the tattoos on his stomach, but he's rolling up his sleeves as he walks over to you. He's walking with intention, hungry eyes zeroed in on you.

When he’s only steps away, you cheekily bite your lip and use your finger to push up your skirt a little bit more.

Your actions have the intended effect, his eyes blowing wide and hands grasping at your waist.

“Y’can’t do that.”

Before you have a chance to ask what he means, his lips collide with yours, his tongue slipping in only moments after the initial kiss. But as soon as he started, he pulls away.

“Y’can’t be teasing me on the field like tha’, had me hard next t’my friends.” His hand is on the wall above your head, and his other arm is wrapped around your waist pulling you into his chest. He’s panting, and you are too.

“Sorry Mr. Styles,” you push your bottom lip out in a pout, giving him the most innocent look possible. “Just wanted to wear it cause I know how much you like it.”

“Aw, my babygirl wore this f’me? Well I guess y’can be forgiven. Now let’s get t’my house before I fuck yeh right on this wall.” He places a soft kiss to your lips picking up your backpack from the floor and turning to the direction of his car.

“But it hurts!” He turns around again, giving you a sympathetic look and caressing your cheek. The rings on his fingers are cold, but you’re used to the feeling.

“I know sweet girl, but I can’t take care of yeh here, s’too risky.” He pauses for a moment, thinking of a solution to your not so little problem. “How bout I give y’my fingers in the car? Hows that sound hm?” You nod eagerly, pulling his hand down from your cheek and holding it. He takes the signal and begins walking to his car while you follow him.

You never planned to sleep with your bullies dad. But a few months ago your parents dragged you to a family friends housewarming party, and that friend happened to be a friend of Harry’s too. There were no other teenagers there, so your focus was on the attractive older man who had been checking you out since you first locked eyes, and after ending up in the upstairs bathroom together the two of you have been fucking at least twice a week. You only learned that he’s a dad when you saw him for the first time outside the party. He didn’t look the part, and you actually thought he was in his 20s until he corrected you. He’s 38, having become a parent at only 20 years old. Your relationship is a bit taboo, but you’re a mature 18 year old and you and Harry get along well. So well that your time together has developed from casual sex to a mutually exclusive relationship. (Neither of you like labels, but you’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend).

He makes you really happy, and when you have to face off against Ella, it helps knowing that you have power over her, even though she doesn’t know it.

“Did she do anything today?” Harry is walking beside you, hands still intertwined.

“Besides spilling coffee on my shirt, nothing much.” Harry sighs in frustration and squeezes your hand as a show of affection.

“M’so sorry, I wish y’didn’t ‘ave to deal with her.”

The thing about Harry and Ella is they can barely be considered family. Ella’s mom is, for lack of a better word, a bitch. She’s snobby, conceited, and rude, and those behaviors have rubbed off on Ella. Another thing that rubbed off on her was her mom’s hatred for Harry. Being young parents put strain on their already struggling relationship, and they split before Ella’s first birthday. Harry said he tried his best to make it work for Ella’s sake, but her mom was looking for someone to pay for her life, and Harry had just started working his way up as a businessman.

Now, he’s a CEO, but luckily Ella’s mom already found a new beau with plenty of money, so she didn’t come crawling back to him. However, the success Harry achieved only a few years after their breakup made her jealous, and so she instilled that anger in their daughter. So currently Ella spends most of her time with her mother, and when she is with Harry she doesn’t treat him kindly.

“It’s not your fault Harry, you don’t have to apologize for her actions.”

“I know, I jus’ hate tha’ she treats yeh like that.” He sighs again, reaching into his pocket to grab his keys. In a few more steps you’re standing outside the sleek black suv, walking around to the passenger seat and sliding in once you hear the click of the door unlocking.

You both take a few seconds to breathe, an unspoken gesture to prepare for the night's events. Harry turns to you, a sexy smirk plastered on his face. “What d’ya think about fixin’ that ache darlin?” You nod eagerly, sliding down a bit in your seat to give your legs room to spread. “Think yeh can take off y’skirt fo’me?” Your head bobs once again as you nod, hooking your fingers under the elastic waistband and shimmying out of the skirt. While you’re doing that, Harry turns the car into the deserted street, using only one hand to steer.

You toss the tiny skirt into his lap, giving him a signal without distracting his eyes from the road. He reacts immediately, his free hand coming down to squeeze your thigh. You mewl at the contact and bite down on your lip, trying to stop your hips from bucking up in search of relief. His squeezes move up your thigh, and finally his fingers press against your weeping cunt. Swiftly, he pushes your soiled panties to the side, swiping his fingers up your folds collecting your juices. You shriek and buck your hips up into his hand, but much to your dismay he removes it from between your thighs. The car comes to a stop at a red light, and Harry takes the moment to look at you, his eyes wandering your squirming body. He’s practically drooling when he places his fingers in his mouth, tasting your sweet wetness.

“Sorry pup, jus’ needed t’taste yeh.” He chuckles again, and you whine softly in desperation. In one quick motion, he dives his hand back to your pussy, pressing his thumb on your swollen clit.

“Fuck!” The pleasure shoots up your spine, goosebumps raising across your body as he rubs circles on the puffy button. “Harry- please,”

“What d’ya want puppy? Want m’fingers?”

“Yes, yes,” you breathe out, words barely comprehensible through your panting.

“Alright, alright, I gotcha.” And with that his two fingers press into you, filling your tight hole perfectly. There is no hesitation before he begins pumping the digits in and out of you and his thumb never lets up on your bundle of nerves. “Such a needy puppy, got yeh soaking f’me from out in the stands hm?” His eyes are still on the road, but you can picture the lust filled eyes that are undoubtedly on his face.

“Get so wet jus- just thinkin’ about you,” you gasp, writhing as his fingers slam in and out of you.

“Yeah? This is my cunt, m’the only one who can make yeh this wet, isn’t tha’ right?”

“Only Harry.” At your confirmation he speeds his hand up, your vision clouding with white spots as the knot building in your stomach grows tighter and tighter.

All of a sudden, he pulls his fingers out of you, leaving you empty. “Wha-” You begin to question him but you realize that he’s pulling into his driveway. Instead of complaining, you sit up quickly and unbuckle your seatbelt, pulling your skirt back up your legs to avoid being nude on his front lawn.

As soon as you feel the little jolt your hand yanks on the handle and you hop out of the car. Your brain is fuzzy with need and all you are focused on is alleviating the aching between your thighs. You hear Harry lock the car while you're on the steps, and you turn back to ensure that he’s behind you. And sure enough, he’s hot on your trail, just as eager as you to get inside and onto his bed. Your foot is tapping on the ground anxiously, waiting for Harry to unlock the front door. After what seems like an hour, he is next to you again, fumbling with the silver keychain in his hand, eventually unlocking and pushing open the door. You both practically run inside, hands roaming each other's bodies and lips locking as you shuffle through the hall.

You disconnect breathlessly when you reach the stairs, subconsciously wrapping your hands around Harry’s neck so he can pick you up bridal style. He does so hastily, barely a second passing before he’s plopping you onto the fluffy mattress. “Finally,” he pants, hands fumbling with his belt buckle. There’s a prominent bulge in his trousers, and although you’ve seen it plenty, you are always in awe at how thick and big he is. While he’s busy removing his clothes, you are practically drooling at the sight of his bare cock, full, heavy, and dripping precome.

“Harry?”

He looks back down at you with his emerald green eyes, simultaneously dropping his recently-removed shirt on the floor. “Can I ride you?” The look he gives you is indescribable, a mixture of need, lust, cockiness, and beauty all rolled up into one.

“Whatever y’want puppy,” His hands scoop under your ass, and he lifts you up and switches your positions. Now it’s your turn to undress, and Harry makes himself busy by running his hands up and down your torso. “So gorgeous, y’know that?” You nod quickly then pull your shirt off of your head. “Most beautiful girl in the world I reckon.” You blush at the compliment, butterflies being added to the many sensations occuring in your body. You straddle his thighs, wrapping your hand around his length and tugging a few times. A loud groan rumbles through his throat, and you smile knowing you’re the one who made him feel like that. “Thought- thought yeh said y’wanted to ride me pup.”

“I do.” You keep your hand on his cock, sitting up on your knees and lining him up with your weeping cunt. All at once, your body is put at ease as his cock fills you up perfectly. He bottoms out inside of you, both of you moaning and groaning while you adjust. “So big-” Your words come out in choppy pants, the syllables being cut off by your heaves. You suck in one deep breath and move upwards, sinking back down onto him quickly. His large hands hold a tight grip on your waist, guiding you up and down his member. His lips attach to your neck, suckling on the supple skin just enough so that it doesn’t bruise.

“What a dirty little puppy you are,” he growls, eyes focusing heavily on where your bodies connect, watching himself disappear inside of you as you bounce up and down on his cock.

“Feel so full-” Tingles ricochet down every part of your body, and your legs are becoming weaker with each movement. Harry can feel your movement faltering, so his hips thrust upwards to meet yours, fucking you from underneath. “Harry!”

“I know pup, I know.” His thumb strokes your cheek and he leans in for another kiss, devouring your plump lips and swirling his tongue around yours. “So fuckin tight,” The words tumble from his mouth in a low growl, which sends the butterflies in your stomach into a frenzy. His cock twitches inside of you, encouraging you to muster all your energy and finish both of you off. Adrenaline kicks in and your strength returns, riding him faster and harder than before. “Let go f’me Y/N.” It only takes a few more thrusts for you to come undone, Harry’s orgasm following suit. The waves of pleasure roll through your body, and you throw your head back in ecstasy as you allow the feeling to overcome your body. Spurts of his hot cum cover your velvety walls and you ride out your orgasms together, resting your foreheads against one another.

You end up sleeping at his house, feeling safe knowing that Ella is staying with her mom today. It’s normal for you to sleep at his place, seeing as both of you are usually so tired that you pass out before you can leave. What isn’t normal is for you to be woken up in the morning by Harry’s phone ringing. Harry is a deep sleeper, and you laugh at the sight of him conked out while his ringtone blares on the nightstand just a few inches away. Carefully, you reach over his sleeping body and grab the phone, planning on hanging it up and going back to bed. However, when you saw that it was Ella calling, you changed your mind. Making a split second decision, you slide the icon to the right, holding it up to your ear.

“Hello?” Her whiney voice rings through your eardrum and you wince. Not the nicest thing to be woken up to.

“Hello,” you answer, your voice not reflecting the cocky grin that spread across your face.

“Who the hell is this!” she shrieks, and you make a mental note that she must not be a morning person.

“A friend of your dads.” Your response is once again calm and monotone, trying to stifle the laugh that is bubbling in your throat.

“Ugh! What’s your name?”

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N”

[winter-soldier-vibes]

just a wittle request, could you do something where bucky comforts the reader who has mommy issues after she has a panic attack over the thought of turning out like her mother?

Hi there, sorry this took so long! I still haven’t processed my own so I had to take a few breaks. I apologize if this is off the path of what you meant, I’m going off of my own experience but I know it’s different for everyone.

You're nothing like her.

Bucky x reader

Word count: 3219

Warnings: mommy issues, toxic childhood, talk of divorce, panic attack/anxiety, negative self-talk

A/N: This takes place in a timeline where Bucky is retired

-------------

You did everything you could to avoid it. To avoid her

You left home as soon as you could. When you were in college you were surrounded by people who were homesick, people who wanted to go home, people who finally had to take care of themselves. Things you couldn’t relate to.

You had been supporting yourself most of your life. Not that you had much of a choice. Your dad left when you were younger, your mother blaming it on you. If you had been better, maybe he wouldn’t have left. You, being young, believed her. What else were you supposed to do, growing up in a world that preaches ‘mother knows best’?

Load of bullshit to you.

You knew better now, being an adult, that she didn’t know best. She worked or went out with friends and left you to raise yourself, telling you it was your fault when she neglected her responsibilities. And when you would get upset she would play the victim, crying ‘woe is me’ because you were so ungrateful to the person who raised you after you drove her husband out.

“You know it’s your fault right?” she had snapped at you one night at dinner. There was a graded paper, a B written on the top of it.

“What?”

“You’re the reason he left me. He just couldn’t stand you. You’re the reason why he left and why I’m so miserable now.”

You had felt tears in your eyes.

“Tears, really? Tears aren't going to change the fact that MY husband LEFT.”

Her husband, not your father.

No, you knew better now to know that what she had done and said was wrong. But that didn’t make you forget. It didn’t make it any easier for you.

You went to college, saved up as much as you could, and gave tight-lipped smiles when people asked why you didn’t go home on weekends or vacations. You tried not to talk about her much, but that didn’t stop you from thinking about her.

You had stood at your college graduation, caps thrown and loud laughs and cheers echoing around. There were a bunch of people celebrating around you, taking photos, but you had stood on the outskirts. You had a small smile on your face for everyone else, but you couldn’t help but feel empty inside. You hadn’t made many friends, not close friends, but that was a good thing. You could take the photo so no one was left out.

Not so much of a text from her. She hadn’t come, she hadn’t called or anything.

In a twisted way, you were glad that she hadn’t. She couldn’t make a big deal about how you weren’t the top of your class or how you didn’t deserve to be. How you didn’t have a job set up to start the next week even though you already were planning on submitting your resumes. There wasn’t a way to please her, so it was almost better that she wasn’t there.

You had texted her after a few days and she made up some bullshit excuse that she had forgotten to put it on the calendar.

She liked your Instagram photo though. So thoughtful

You worried you would turn out the same way. Or that she had rubbed off on you in some way. You kept to yourself as much as you could, staying in, keeping your emotions to yourself. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust people, maybe it was, but more so you were worried that you would seem like you were playing the victim.

You didn’t want to bother anyone or make anyone feel obligated to listen to you. You worried that behind your back they would complain about you being emotional or making everything about you.

You worried they would talk about you the same way you thought about your mother.

People are supposed to look to their parents to teach them what to be, yet you found yourself wanting to avoid everything your parents did to you. They taught you exactly who you didn’t want to be.

Your father left. Your mother hated you.

You didn’t share your opinions because you didn’t want to be told you were wrong. You didn’t want to force your ideas onto anyone. Not like what you said would make a difference anyway, not that it mattered in the first place.

You remembered all of the sentences you would start but not finish because no one had heard you. Trying to jump in a few times and eventually giving up when the conversation had moved onto a new subject. All the times people would interrupt or interject, making you feel like you didn’t have something to say that was worth hearing.

You thought it would get better when you got a job. But the pressure you put on yourself to do well in school was transferred to the job you had gotten. You still were afraid that people saw yourself as your mom used to and that you would never be good enough for anyone. You thought that achievements would make you feel fulfilled.

But if you didn’t believe in yourself, what were a few “job well done's” supposed to do?

It made it hard to get into a relationship. People say that “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else,” but that didn’t feel so true to you. It was more that you didn’t trust yourself to love someone else. You worried about hurting whoever you were with, and you told yourself that if you didn’t get close to anyone, you couldn’t hurt them.

But then you ran into him.

He was on a morning run and you were walking home from a night shift, both too tired to see each other coming. You because you had just finished a shift, him because he was running off the nightmare he had had the night previous. Both of you craving a sleep that seemed just out of reach.

You were very apologetic, as was he, both afraid that you had hurt the other. You avoided his eyes even though they were trained anywhere but your own, as he fiddled with his gloved hands and you scratched the back of your neck.

It was the first time either of you had seen someone as unsure as yourselves

You had parted ways with only each other's names. Bucky and y/n.

The two of you crossed paths a few times in the following weeks, eventually getting each other’s phone numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee rather than hoping the other left at the right time. Eventually, the subtle nervous tics each of you had died down as you got to know each other.

For the most part.

You still overly apologized for everything. If you were a few minutes late, if you spaced out...you took the blame for everything.

Traffic had been bad, a storm and an accident causing you to be 5 minutes late rather than 15 minutes early. You had run into the coffee shop, scanning the restaurant with wide eyes when you saw Bucky sitting there casually.

“I am so so so sorry, I should’ve left earlier, there was an accident, I’m so sorry I’m late -”

“Y/n, don’t worry about it,” he had said, a smile on his face and a slight flash of concern on his face. “Seriously, it’s a couple of minutes. It’s literally fine.”

“No, I’m really sorry, I should’ve known or called or something.”

“Relax. It’s totally fine, I promise,” he had said, concern a little more present on his face. “Are you okay though?”

“What? Yeah, I’m good. How have you been with everything?

You wouldn’t let him talk about you. The same way your mother never let you talk about yourself.

Don’t think about her.

He had started opening up to you but you still kept your personal life under lock and key. Your name, how work was, and your physical well-being was about as personal as you got. Even so, if work had been a shit show or you had to pull an all-nighter would go unspoken. He didn’t need the burden of your personal issues. Not when there was nothing he could do about it.

The past was the past, you just had to learn how to get over yourself.

You couldn’t change what your mother had said over a decade ago.

You worried if you talked about yourself at all then you would be making the situation about you. You worried you would project your anger or sadness onto him. He didn’t deserve that. Plus, it wasn’t like he would be able to do anything, right?

You promised yourself you wouldn’t let him get too close. That if he didn’t get close to you, you couldn’t hurt him.

But damn, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t start developing feelings for him. And from the way he had started acting, you thought maybe he was too.

The hugs that were ever so slightly too tight or when he smiled at you a little longer than normal. He had opened up to you about many things in his past, and from the way he talked about it, you could tell he hadn’t talked about it much with anyone else.

You found comfort in your friendship, the way he trusted you. You liked being there for him, and you were honored that he trusted you enough to open up to you. Yet it also made you uneasy that you would ruin it in some way or drive him out.

The same way your mom drove out your father.

Goddamn it don’t think about her.

The closer you got and the closer you and Bucky had gotten, the more nervous you were. That you would turn out like your mother. You were having a harder time keeping to yourself, keeping up the façade that everything was all bright in your world. You wanted to be a light for everyone.

But at some point, days turn to nights and the light gives way to the darkness.

And you weren’t sure how much time you had left before you cracked.

Bucky had started making small moves towards you, and you were trying your best to deflect them in efforts to not fall flat on your face for him. He came over Wednesday nights for a movie and take out with you, and what started as being on two opposite ends of the couch had moved to being next to each other to him having his arm wrapped around you. Sometimes you felt he was a little too close and you would either shift away or get up to grab another drink or ‘use the bathroom’.

When you came back you would make an attempt to sit a bit further away.

Sometimes when Bucky would say goodbye at the end of the night he would hug you. That was nothing new, you were both big on hugs, but lately, he had been hugging you longer or tighter, lingering a few moments longer than could be platonic. You had started ending the hugs earlier, giving him a small squeeze before pulling away.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be with Bucky. It was that you were so scared that you would drive him away, leaving you as soon as you had started calling yourself his.

Which is what brought you here. Bucky had come over for another one of your movie nights and had his arm behind the couch rather than around you. An invitation for you to curl into his side, but he wanted you to make that choice. Eventually, you had found yourself curled up with him, his arm wrapped around you, and you could feel the tension.

You wanted to move away before you found yourself in too deep, but you couldn’t resist. It had been a long day and you found comfort with Bucky. Bucky turned his face slightly towards yours, kissing the side of your temple and you felt butterflies in your stomach. Your mind told you to shift away, to not let him get too close, but you found yourself turning your head towards Bucky and he leaned forward to kiss you gently.

After a moment you broke away, emotion taking over you. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I - I can’t do this,” you said, resting your forehead against his.

“Why not?” Bucky whispered, looking into your eyes.

Because I’ll hurt you.

I’ll disappoint you.

I’ll drive you away and I can’t lose the best thing that’s happened to me.

You sighed, standing up and moving away from Bucky. You couldn’t say those things to him out loud. Not without the entire story. And you weren’t ready to share all of that with him.

Bucky stood up with you, afraid he had just ruined the friendship or whatever relationship he had with you. “Y/n, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

You had already left the room and couldn’t really hear him over the sound of your thoughts.

This wasn’t supposed to happen

I wasn’t supposed to let this happen

How could I be so stupid?

You were feeling tears in your eyes and Bucky followed you, afraid of what he did. Your breathing was picking up and you had started mumbling some of these things to yourself.

“Y/n, what’s happening, what did I do?”

You shook your head “You didn’t do anything, but I need you to leave, please,” you said, trying to hide your emotions. You hated being like this.

“I’m not going anywhere y/n, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of here Bucky! I don’t want your help!” you snapped suddenly, Bucky looking taken aback before your eyes widened.

“Oh god…”

You shook your head and started crying harder, stumbling over your words. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t mean to yell, I’m so sorry Bucky please don’t leave I'm so sorry.”

Bucky came forward and hugged you gently and you cried into his shirt. He whispered comforting words into your ear as you tried to breathe, embarrassed at how vulnerable you were being.

Bucky kept his breathing slow and even, trying to get you to match him. He had no idea what was happening but he knew he needed you to calm down before he asked. Whatever it was had to be something deep, and you weren’t in the space to talk about it right now.

He brought you over to sit on the corner of your bed, still hugging you as you cried. You were mumbling out apology after apology but Bucky wasn’t having any of it. He kept hugging you, telling you that he wasn’t going anywhere and that you were safe. He had never seen you so upset, or upset at all to begin with.

After you had calmed down a bit, Bucky asked you again what had happened. You shook your head, not knowing what to say.

“I’ve opened up about so many things to you, right?” he pulled back to look at you.

You nodded slightly.

“And you’ve never judged me for any of it.”

You shook your head this time.

“Then why can’t you let me do the same for you?”

You took a deep breath, fiddling with your hands. “I don’t wanna hurt you,” you said, not meeting his eyes.

Bucky drew his eyebrows together, still confused. “Y/n, you’ve been the nicest person I’ve ever met. How would you hurt me?”

You were already shaking your head. “No, see, that’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna be nice and sweet and...and I’m gonna fall in love with you, and you’re gonna fall in love with me. A-and then I’m gonna let you down over and over again and snap at you for things that aren’t your fault and...and you’ll get sick of it and leave and I’m going to hate myself for it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, slow down,” Bucky held your shoulders as they started shaking. You brought a hand to cover your mouth, Bucky hushing you again. “What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

You took a shaky breath as you ran a hand over your face. “I’m just like her, Bucky. I told myself I would never let myself be like her…”

“Like who?” Bucky asked, blood already boiling at who made you feel like this.

Her.

You weren’t supposed to think about her.

You promised yourself.

“Y/n, stay with me here,” he said, guiding your face back to look at him. “Who?”

“My mother.”

Bucky looked at you for a moment. “What?”

“You know, mothers bring you into the world. They say a mother knows when something is wrong with their kid, that babies are put on their mother’s chest because the skin-to-skin contact starts the bonding process. They’re supposed to protect you, and love you, and take care of you. But then you start to get older and it’s your fault that you were born when you didn’t ask, or your dad left and it’s your fault before you even knew he was gone. All I wanted was to be told what to do and all she would do is tell me what I did wrong. I can’t be like her and the older I get the more scared I am that I’m going to hurt everyone the way that she hurt my father and me.”

You had started crying again as Bucky looked at you, both broken-hearted and furious that someone would make you feel this way. Not to mention it was your own mother.

You took another shaky breath. “I thought the world of her when I was younger. And she barely even gave me the time of day. I keep telling myself that I’m not what she thought of me, but what if I am?” you shook your head again. “And I am so scared that I’m just like her.”

“Y/n, look at me, I need you to look at me when I say this, okay?” he cupped your face with both hands, wiping away your tears with the pads of his thumbs as he looked into your eyes. “You are nothing like your mother.”

You let out a small sob. “You don’t know her.”

“I don’t need to,” he said firmly. “You are kind and gentle. You work hard and you make sure that everyone is taken care of before you even consider yourself. You aren’t going to scare me away or hurt me.” He wiped fresh tears from your eyes. “You are your own person, your mother has no say in who you get to be. Who you are. You are not your mother, and you never will be.” he said, still holding your gaze.

You held his gaze a little longer, knowing he believed what he was saying. You didn’t, not quite yet, but maybe if he believed in you, you could too. You nodded slightly, giving him the smallest of smiles. “Thank you.”

Bucky returned the small smile. “You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too,” you said, smiling.

You meant it, and you knew he did too. And maybe one day, you would love who you’d become too.

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tags: @babydaddy-buckybarnes @buckys-blue-eyes @buckys2thicc @broadwaybabe18 @peggycarter-steverogers @im-sick-of-failing @barnesplums @bucks-bunny @mardema @abitgryffindorky @freigeistundanderes @thatfangirl42 @strawberrimae @sup--ernova

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[jslittlebirdie]

Here Without You

Pairing: Soft!Ledger!Joker x Reader

Summary: Your last days have been really bad and exhausting. There are always new problems you have to take care of, you feel tired and burnt out, and on top of that, J hasn't shown up for several days. That was until today.

Word count: 1,344

Genre: probably a bit angsty / fluffy comfort / self-insert

Warnings: Reader has a bad day, low self esteem

Notes: A very big thank you to my dearest best friend @fan-of-pretty-much-2-much for encouraging me to post this fic. What would I do without you, your support and love? I own you so much🥺😭 Also, thank you so incredibly much for this simply beautiful title💜

Well, this fic is a total self-insert😅 I basically wrote it for myself as a comfort. So it's probably too cheesy and my characterization of J is way too soft and ooc. But maybe someone will like it anyway, I don't know. So read at your own risk lol🙈 Also, the text is unedited and English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.

Taglist: @ajokeformur-ray @sacredempressnatlyia @rommies

It had been days now since you last saw your clown. News reports were your only clues as to his whereabouts and well-being. You didn't blame him, he was a busy man - a free man who came and went as he pleased - and you wouldn't keep him from his business. Even though, if you were honest, you would love to not let him leave your apartment ever again, and instead keep him with you where you knew he was safe; not that he couldn't take care of himself.

But you missed him terribly. And on top of that, your doubts and insecurities were getting worse with each passing day. You probably weren't good enough for him, too boring and annoying with all your worries. Would he ever come back to you? Was he tired of you? Had you perhaps upset him without knowing it?

And today... Today was a particularly bad day. Already early in the morning the day had started with bad news, new things you had to take care of. Problems kept coming up, there just seemed to be no end in sight. Once you had taken care of one thing, two new things popped up. You felt overwhelmed, burned out and tired. You longed for a break. You longed for him.

A familiar noise. But you only heard it very distantly. You were far too lost in your sad and gloomy thoughts. You sat on your bed and stared at the wall. Your eyes hurt because you tried to hold back your tears as hard as you could, even though you knew it was wrong. But you wanted to stay strong, not show any weakness.

The noise came closer, heavy footsteps. The door to your room cracked open and a face painted with makeup peered in, looking for you. When J spotted you, he grinned mischievously. But his good mood soon changed when he saw you in this miserable state. He immediately noticed that something was wrong, even if he didn't quite know what it was yet. So he entered your room without waiting for you to give him your permission. And even when J stood right in front of you and looked at you with his beautiful dark eyes, which actually showed a hint of concern, you hardly reacted, which admittedly only worried him more. Because you normally ran up to him at the first sign of his presence. But today was... different. And he didn't like it at all.

"What's the matter, toots, hm? I'm back, I'm here."

You stared at him, but you couldn't see him. You hadn't quite realized yet that he was truly standing in front of you. It seemed more like your mind was playing a trick on you - an evil trick to torture you even more. "I'm so sorry, J," you finally uttered. It wasn't so much directed at him as you were talking to yourself.

"You're sorry for what?" He frowned thoughtfully. He couldn't remember anything you had done that you needed to apologize for. But it wasn't a surprise that you apologized in the first place. You apologized for the smallest things, sometimes even for apologizing. But this time, he was a little bit confused.

"I don't know. That I annoyed you with... with me being the way I am. I don't know, okay?!" That was the moment you snapped back to reality. You saw him. Standing in front of you, in his usual slightly bent posture, his head tilted to one side as he tried to figure things out. And that's when you couldn't hold back your tears any longer.

Intuitively, J leaned down towards you and reached out to cup your face with his gloved hands. But you flinched away from him, too ashamed and insecure. "No, J. Don't!"

But he didn't let that stop him. Even though you had said the exact opposite, he could tell by the look in your eyes how much you wanted him. And it caused a strange feeling to rise in his chest - he wasn't sure what to think of it, so he just shrugged it off and focused all of his attention back on you. He sat down next to you, wrapped his arms around your body that was trembling with tension, and gently pulled you to him. This time you let it happen; the second he touched you, you were like putty in his hands. Moments later you found yourself on his lap and you couldn't help but cling to him as tightly as you could, your tear-streaked face buried in his broad chest, inhaling his scent between heavy sobs - a mixture of burnt rubber, gasoline and sweat (he had been out there for days, of course, he hadn't had time to worry about such trivialities) and something so specifically J that your heart ached. Oh, how much you had missed him. All you wanted and needed was him. Your J. It was kind of ironic. While others ran away from him in sheer panic, you longed for him. You had never been like others, you saw so much more in him than just a criminal. To you, he was your charming, sometimes pretty grumpy, but still in his own special way caring and loving clown - but you better not say this out loud. You just loved him. This realization hit you so hard that a new wave of emotions washed over you.

"Shush. I'm here, I gotcha." He shifted beneath you, loosening his grip around you, causing you to sigh in frustration. Rustling of expensive material and then suddenly you felt all warm - he had wrapped you in his royal purple coat and then put his arms around you again like a vice. You were in the warmest, safest embrace you could ever think of. Immediately, your body relaxed, your trembling finally subsided. You listened to his steady heartbeat and mimicked his breathing. J hummed and smiled to himself as he noticed your reaction.

When you finally felt calm enough, you lifted your face off of him so you could look at him; your eyes were bloodshot and dark rings stood out beneath them. He hated to see you like this, but he said nothing; he waited until you were ready to talk. And you were ready. You took a deep breath and finally murmured, "Today was just a shitty day. There's so much to do and it seems to never get any less. Everything is too much. And I... I missed you so much... I thought you weren't coming back."

"But here I am, right?" He squeezed you a little tighter to put emphasis on his words. "I know you've got a lot going on right now. But ya got this, toots. You're tougher than you think you are. Aaand..." A huge and devious grin formed on his lips. You could literally see him thinking about all the things he had done in the past few days. "I need to lay a little low for the next few days."

"Yeah, I picked up something like this on the news. What is it this time?" You're no longer able to suppress a weak giggle. And a yawn. You were so very tired and exhausted, you hadn't slept well since J left, when he wasn't by your side. But now that you were cocooned in his protective warmth... Your eyes grew heavier and heavier. "So does this mean you're staying home, J?"

"I'm not going anywhere, sweets." He moved you both on the bed until you were in a lying position, you still on top of him wrapped in his coat. Even though he would never admit it, he had missed you too. And holding you in his arms like that - feeling you, knowing you were safe and relaxed - made him aware of his own exhaustion. He pressed a sloppy kiss to your forehead, leaving a beautiful reminder for you when you woke up in the morning, and then closed his eyes himself.