#but then I found him and he ended up overdosing and dying LMAO

[introspectionera]

tomorrows a really weird day lol

[nyxx-nth]

Wowie zowie !!!

Have a few more, my good sir. Fair warning though that some of these are gonna start getting very specific.

Okay this actually ended up delving into a bit of a timeline of some headcanons LMAO

I feel like he definitely plays an instrument. Haven’t settled on what feels Right—maybe even more than one, I have a lot of interpretations. Maybe it’s piano from childhood lessons he was forced to attend but would sometimes skip to hang out with Ghost. Maybe it’s guitar he picked up later in his life of his own volition. Those two feel the most Right to me currently.

For some reason, I specifically headcanon that he went to France with Mary while they were married, and then later with Ghost. Toast isn’t the kind of guy to run away from everything like Ghost, but I feel like if he ever were to… France is where he’d go. One of the few times in his life he ran off and cut everyone out for a bit was after Mary died, and he went to the same place they once stayed together. All he would do is mope, reminisce, and drink while he was there.

I feel like he is definitely a momma’s boy. And that his mom was probably a really warm and sweet woman—but a very fragile one. Meanwhile, I feel like his dad was more cold and detached and not one to show affection. Growing up, Toast would strive for academic achievements to gain his approval (and keep from upsetting him).

In his teen years is when his rebellious phase sorta started—the emo phase, dying his hair, skipping som classes, starting to dabble a bit in drugs (probably just marijuana at this point, and maybe trying a cigarette once but he hated it). However, he always did his best to keep his father from *actually* finding out about his rebellious feelings and actions.

I headcanon that he and Mary both got married during college—and probably pretty quickly into their relationship. Still in college & after her death is probably when he started getting really into more hardcore drugs. Cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, opioids—you name it. He probably reached a really really bad point and almost died from an overdose or something drug-related, and that was his wake up call. After that, he decided to finally go back to America because that was where the one person who would deal with him in this state lived.

I say “the one person who would deal with him” because, well, I feel like his family is very,,, strict about certain things. I feel like he’d be shamed and shunned by most of them if they found the extent of his doings. The only options would really be his mom who he would be too worried about disappointing or upsetting, his sister who would be very very disappointed and disapproving of his choices, or Ghost back in America who would get on him about it but largely be otherwise normal—which is something he really needed, normalcy. Being treated like he was *different* or like he required some sort of special treatment or that people had to tiptoe around certain subjects would be the LAST thing he’d want. And Ghost is everything opposite of that.

Things obviously wouldn’t just be all sunshine and rainbows as soon as he decided to make those changes, to try and improve himself. It’d be an uphill battle and he has a ball and chain weighing him down the whole fight. Over and over he’d stumble, relapse, reset his progress. But he would never give up, and he had someone by his side who wouldn’t give up on him either. And eventually, he does get better, and he swears off drugs for the most part.

As for drinking, well. He’s definitely still an alcoholic. He does try and limit himself more, but he definitely hasn’t cut it out of his life at all. He’s a functional alcoholic, and even though he knows it’s still not *good* it’s at least better than where he used to be, and he’s proud of that.

I’ll end this one off by mentioning that I actually have a bunch of different interpretations of timelines and events and characters, but this one is probably the most basic concrete one I tend to stick with for Toast. Maybe eventually I’ll get real silly and get into my Mary Lives au lolol

I love Ghost x Toast do not get me wrong but I wish I saw people develop Toast more OUTSIDE of Ghost. It almost seems like everyone has it to where Toast doesn’t have any personal motivations they all revolve around Ghost. And that makes me SO SAD because I love Toast as his own individual person OUTSIDE of the ship/friendship and I want to see more of him by himself.

[yandere-romanticaa]

This isn’t a request, I’m actually writing something myself and just wanted your opinion. In this fic, Dazai has fallen for this sweet little bakery owner who has been nothing but kind and caring to him, even fussing over him everytime he shows up wounded, despite knowing he’s involved in some shady shit. When everything goes to hell and Dazai leaves the pm, he decides that his darling is the one thing he can’t leave without, and kidnaps them while they sleep.

For the next few weeks he keeps them heavily drugged as he moves from place to place, keeping them unconscious for most of it, and only really letting up so that he can keep them fed and healthy. Thanks to the drugs, they remain dazed and docile even when awake, and though they seem to vaguely recognise his presence, they don’t seem aware of much else.

It’s not until he finally gets a chance to settle somewhere to lay low for a while, that he realises that something has gone terribly wrong, and that his darling isn’t snapping out of their docile drug like haze, even though the drugs are no longer in their system.

Unfortunately this is where I’ve found myself stuck, and now I don’t know what direction to take it in. Any suggestions?

Once you're done writing this beauty, tag me! 🥰🥰🥰🥰

And aaaaaaaa, I'm stuck too, these suggestions aren't too great but this was these were the first things that came to mind:

1. Dazai may have accidentally killed his darling by giving them an overdose of the drugs but he didn't realize it until he was too late. Perhaps he underestimated darlings health and thought that they could take it but darling ended up dying as a result. Dazai is inconsolable and ends up committing suicide in hopes of reuniting with the love of his life in the afterlife.

Or maybe 2. Darling sort of became addicted to the drugs?? Like, they won't respond to anything unless Dazai sweetens the deal by giving them some drugs and they will do literally ANYTHING in return, Dazai could tell them to do a backflip while jumping off a bridge and darling would so go for it. It's amusing for a while and Dazai is satisfied with the outcome. If he wants to punish darling he just threatens them that he'll take away their stash and he's so smug about it lmao

I hope you found some of these ideas okay, but I really want to see what you will come up with!! 😍

[holdvns]

hi friends ! i’m farah nd im coming at u live frm the pst timezone to bring u a new muse of mine. so excuse me as i ramble abt holden under the cut. like this post and i will come bother u for plots?? that or u can im me on here or on my discord (farah#1263), whatever works rlly! anyways, super stoked to be here and to get to write with u all!!!!

(TOBY WALLACE, CIS MALE) - Have you seen HOLDEN DONAHUE? HOLDEN is in HIS JUNIOR year. The PHILOSOPHY MAJOR is 21 years old & is a TAURUS. People say HE is QUICK-WITTED, DARING, IRREVERENT and DETACHED. Rumors say they’re a member of CALLOWAY SOCIETY. I heard from the gossip blog that HIS FATHER PAID OFF THE SCHOOL TO CHANGE HIS GRADES AFTER HE FAILED FOUR CLASSES LAST SEMESTER FROM NEVER SHOWING UP.  (FARAH. 22. PST. SHE/HER.)

pinterest board / tag

holden grew up between upstate new york and manhattan in an extremely wealthy family. from the outside, his family had the appearance of perfection, but underneath that facade lay years of shocking and hidden family secrets that one way or another got out into society, even if his family tried to put them down as merely rumors.

his father is a highly respected but also deeply feared business man/media magnate known for his cutthroat attitude in his business dealings and personal relationships. he had an extremely difficult childhood, having been orphaned at a young age and passed from relative to relative around europe, many of whom were not very kind to him. still, he was incredibly intelligent and wanted to make something of himself, having this belief in the american dream and wanting to move there if he ever got the chance. after attending college on a scholarship, he was able to use his connections and move to new york, where he founded his own start-up that eventually led to him building his own personal fortune.

his mother was very much a hustler. she grew up poor in new york and at an early age, learned how to use her good looks to manipulate men for the finer things in life. she had a short stint as a model before she met holden’s father, charming him enough to call it quits with his first wife. underneath her obvious beauty, however, was a fiery temper and substance abuse problem. the thing about her was that she really wasn’t made to be a wife and mother. holden’s father thought he could turn her into this perfect socialite/housewife (marrying her and then proceeding to have his older brother, cal, and holden in a very short span of time), but the task proved impossible. she was always only looking out for herself and didn’t enjoy being tied down, certainly not with kids to take care of despite the nannies his father provided. they fought constantly, and their home life was extremely unstable. it was a normal occurrence for holden to see his mother being dragged off to an institution by his father’s security guards or for his mother to use him and his brother as bait to get his father to give her money for drugs, to leave him, or sometimes just to try and get back with him.

eventually, she finally did leave, having told holden and his brother the three of them were moving to los angeles, but leaving without them and dying of a drug overdose shortly after. holden was about six at the time and thinks he has successfully hidden this entire episode from his memory, but it’s definitely something that affects him whether he likes it or not.

although his family claims this was merely just a rumor, it was often said that there was some foul play behind her death and that his father had some involvement, not wanting her to ever leave him and move on with her life. while holden deep down may admit that this could be the case, it’s never something he would really say.

at this point, his father rarely talks about his mother and when he has, he has poisoned her memory so much, holden feels like he never really had one. when he was younger, he’d often make up stories about her in his head, which were far different than who she actually was. it helped at the time, but after a while it was easier to just forget her altogether.

while his father cares deeply for his children and has provided them a life of ease and luxury, he’s certainly not innocent in all of this mess. he’s extremely manipulative and often psychologically traumatizing to them as well. he often finds his children to be lazy and ungrateful and resents the way they’ve been raised (even though it was his own doing), while he suffered from poverty and abuse in his own childhood. he often pits the two of them against each other, always trying to see who’s the stronger, smartest, who will do whatever it takes to be the best, especially because there’s always talk about who’s going to be the one to be the one who’s going to take over when he retires. it is usually said to be his older brother, because it’s no secret that he’s his father’s favorite.

because of this, holden and his brother never really got along. or so it seems. they did when they were younger, but their hatred runs so deep that the even thought of that feels like a distant reality. they’re only two years apart, but they couldn’t be more different. while his brother is a complete perfectionist and will do just about anything to please his father, holden gave up on that idea along time ago. it didn’t matter what he did, he never seemed to be able to measure up against his brother. maybe it was because he was younger, maybe it was because he was more sensitive and seemed to feel things at a deeper level, maybe it was because he wasn’t as competitive, or maybe there was no explanation why his father simply liked cal better. holden’s never seemed to figure out. he’s always felt like the screwup of the family, so eventually that’s what he became.

he started drinking and using drugs at an early age, basically trying anything to mask his pain and trauma. while his brother excelled academically and in sports in high school, holden never applied himself. he fell in with the wrong crowd and gave up his spot on the football team to run around the streets of new york and engage in all kinds of debauchery. it was common for him to disappear for days on end, spending his father’s money and racking up drug and gambling debts. obviously his father wasn’t happy about this and would constantly remind him of that, but he didn’t exactly do anything to stop him either. if this was a cry for help or attention, it didn’t exactly have the desired effect and only left holden feeling empty. 

he started dating this older hippie girl who was in college while he was a senior in high school who influenced him to want to detach from his family and money and the crowd he was running in. he kind of... took it to the extreme and started talking like timothee chalamet in lady bird lmao, even though he reeked of privilege. honestly, it was just another way to annoy his father and brother, which was always his goal at the time. they ended up breaking up because he cheated on her, but he kept some of her ideas and mindset afterwards.

after high school, he wasn’t really sure what he wanted to do. so he ran off to europe for a year and didn’t talk to anyone from home. just traveled around by himself with little money and getting into all kinds of trouble. he probably would’ve stayed longer, but one morning he came across an american newspaper while he was in greece reporting on how his father had suffered a heart attack. he rushed back to the states and luckily his father has survived, but in that moment of weakness he manipulated him into attending college. his father pulled some strings and got him into yates, and while it isn’t exactly his idea of fun, he’s taking it day by day and looking it as another way to push back actually having to enter the real world.

~ personality wise ~

acts like he hates his family, new york, and everything that comes attached with money and privilege, but completely reaps the benefits of all these things when he can. claims everything having to do with high society is vapid and that he wants more out of life.

a bit of a compulsive liar. will make up fake identities and pretend to be other people or tell people he doesn’t know some sob story about growing up poor. rlly just gets off on stuff like that and doesn’t tell the truth. like ever.

doesn’t always like people knowing how rich he is or who his father is. for those that do know, he doesn’t like to talk much about his family. probably won’t ever say a word about his mother.

has no real ambitions in life or any sort-of life plan. has switched his major at least 10 times and never goes to his classes.

very much a hedonist. likes to party and hates being alone. hooks up with too many people and finds it very difficult to be in any sort of real relationship. he’s just not reliable or faithful enough.

also goes through phases where feels like he doesn’t connect with people? or that he hates everyone?

always attracts chaos of some kind. black eyes from a fight over kissing someone’s girlfriend or owing his drug dealer money.

lives life day by day. doesn’t plan for the future. usually always drunk or high.

kind of... morally ambiguous. with the way he was raised, he doesn’t see life as black or white. it’s sort of grey. usually doesn’t do the right thing, usually doesn’t feel bad about it... but there is a heart there somewhere. he just doesn’t usually care enough to use it.

rlly tries to avoid feelings as much as possible. he’s actually quite a sensitive person, but after being constantly told that makes him weak by his father and having a robot of a brother he’s always felt ashamed by that. so he uses his vices to try and not feel things.

wanted plots

hook ups, fwbs, exes, someone he cheated on, friends, enemies, someone he owes money to, someone who knew him grew up and knows his family, someone he actually rlly cares about (romantic or platonic)...i’ll add more to this when i think of more things!

[theperksofbeingbarbie]

The Empath (Pt.5/?)

Summary: Time has a way of healing itself, as many time travelers have pointed out. In this instance, the apocalypse is back on and the Umbrella Academy is scrambling to save their sister and the world. 

Word Count: 2,135 - decided I had to split it in two parts lmao

WARNINGS: Blood; Death; Language

Pairing: Diego x Reader; Platonic!klaus x Reader

Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3 Pt 4 Pt 5 Pt 6

A/N: We’re getting to the end! Do you guys want more after this? We know they go back in time, so perhaps reader goes with them and helps the team figure out how to right the wrongs? I hope you guys like this chapter. I’ve had some ideas for these specific scenes since I decided to start writing the Empath and was really excited to finally get it down.  

(=♡ ᆺ ♡=)

You held onto a crumbling pillar as the house continued to shake, explosions coming from the bedrooms. You could feel the fear coming from the members of the Umbrella Academy but from Vanya? That was new feeling you had never felt before. There was an anger, a feeling of contempt, but it was... Calm. Full of power. It seemed to creep through your veins slowly, making you feel like you were swimming in a pool of molasses. 

You almost didn’t hear Klaus calling your name, but his anxiety brought you back, frantic energy coursing through you again. “[Y/N]! Get out!” 

“What about you?!” 

“I’m finding Diego and mom! Just go!” 

You considered following him for a moment but ultimately deciding running was the best option. You weren’t sure how Vanya’s anger was going to affect you and you couldn’t stop the apocalypse if you were dead. 

You tripped over a crack in the foyer, groaning as you tried to push yourself back up. Out of all the ways you imagined yourself dying, getting crushed by a falling building by a woman with newly discovered powers was definitely not what you expected. Multiple overdoses managed to not kill you, of course it would take getting crushed to finish the job.

Large hands grabbed your own, pulling you from a dip in the floor before helping you back to your feet. “Luther!” He didn’t reply as he gently guided you back outside. Allison wrapped you in a hug when you joined her, wiping a bit of blood off your brow. You reached up to gently run your fingers over the cut, pulling them back down to inspect the warm blood that coated them as if you could see whatever Vanya was feeling that caused you to feel like that. 

“Klaus,” you realized, running down the street to look down the alley between the Umbrella Academy and the next business. “Klaus! Diego!” You gasped as the building finished falling, Diego screaming for his mother. 

--------------------

You held the cuff of the sleeve of your cardigan to your cut as you watched Diego try to search through the rubble for his mom. 

“Diego,” Klaus said softly. “Diego.” He stepped up to grab his brother, pulling him back. 

“Let me go! What are you doing?” 

“Stop! Stop! Mom’s-” Klaus shook his head sadly. “Mom’s gone. She’s gone.”

“What do you wanna do? You wanna-- wanna... w-w-w-w-walk away from this?” 

“No.” Klaus shook his head again. The pain and sadness hung on you like a weight, and there was nothing you could do to allieviate it. You wanted to comfort the men in front of you, but as close as you and Klaus were, was there anything you could say to him to make this better?

“What about Pogo?” Diego asked with a little more force in his voice again. 

“He didn’t make it,” Luther announced when he and Allison finally joined the rest of the group. “Vanya killed him.” 

Klaus shared a look with the empty space beside him. Diego shook his head in disbelief. “But Vanya wouldn’t--”

Luther interrupted, “No, I saw it. Just before we got out.” Allison looked down in shame, dragging her eyes over the ruins of their home. 

“Mom. Now Pogo.” Diego slowly lowered himself to sit on a vaguely smooth piece of a former wall. 

Your heart ached as you watched Diego. You wanted to comfort him, hold him, something, but after your fight earlier you wondered if he would allow it. 

Five jumped over the ruins, a newspaper in his hand as he shouted, “Guys!” Everyone looked at the youngest appearing member. “This is it. The apocalypse is still on. The world ends today.”

You huffed, dropping your hand from your forehead in defeat. Of course the world was still fucking ending. 

“I thought you said it was over!” Luther reminded, taking a few steps forward. 

“I was wrong, okay?” Five held up the newspaper in his hand. “This newspaper, I found in the future the day I got stuck. The headline hasn’t changed.” 

Diego shook his head, refusing to look at anyone, jaw set to keep himself from crying. “No, that doesn’t mean anything. Time could’ve been altered since that newspaper came out this morning.” 

“You’re not listening to me!” Five grumbled bitterly. “When I found it, I assumed this place came down along with everything else. But here we are! The Moon’s still shining, the Earth is in one piece... But not the Academy.” He waved the newspaper to accentuate each word. 

Klaus quickly lunged forward to snatch the paper from his brother’s hand. “I’m confused,” he mumbled as he started to look at it, angling himself to use the light from a nearby fire to illuminate the words. 

“Then listen to me, you idiot!” Five followed him for a second. “Vanya destroys the Academy before the apocalypse.” He let out a huff. “I thought Harold Jenkins was the cause, he was the fuse. Vanya is the bomb. Vanya causes the apocalypse.” 

Everyone looked up when they heard the blades of a helicopter, the search lights starting to graze over the destruction. 

“We have to find her. Regroup at the Super Star! Go!” Luther demanded, everyone taking off in different directions. You followed behind Klaus and Ben, though you weren’t totally aware of the other. 

-----------------

“Look, I hate to be the one to say this but everyone needs to prepare,” Luther began once everyone had taken a few moments to clean up and rent a lane. 

“For what?” Diego growled. 

“To do whatever it takes to stop Vanya,” Luther answered. Allison smacked Luther in the chest with her notebook. “We may not have a choice, Allison!”

“Bullshit.” Diego glared at Luther. “There’s always a choice.”

“Yeah? Like what?” Five questioned. 

“Not killing your sister is an option,” you suggested sarcastically, confused grimace on your face, holding up your hand as you did. 

“You’re not even part of this family,” Luther reminded, causing you to roll your eyes. “Look, whatever we decide, we have to find Vanya.” Luther stood up with a sigh. “And fast, okay? She could be anywhere.” 

“Or, right here,” Klaus spoke up from where he was flipping through the newspaper. “Look at this.” He leaned foward so everyone could catch a look at the ad. 

“That’s right. Her concert is tonight,” Diego remembered quietly.

“Hello,” the worker said cheerfully. “I hate to intrude but my manager says if you’re not gonna bowl, you gotta leave.” 

You huffed as you stood up to get out of Luther’s way as he grabbed a ball, tossing it over his shoulder, still managing a strike. 

Allison scribbled on her notebook before holding it up to Luther. She’s our sister. 

“We’re the only ones capable of stopping this. We have a responsibility to Dad.”

You and Klaus rolled your eyes in unison, but Diego snapped. “To Dad?! No, I’ve heard enough about--” 

“He sacrificed everything to bring us back together!” 

“Did he, though? He sounds like a dramatic bitch,” you whispered to Klaus from where you stood behind him, rolling you sleeves to cover the blood on the cuffs. 

“I’m with Luther on this one,” Five decided, leaning forward to rest his elbows against his knees.  “We can’t give her a chance to fight back. There are billions of lives at stake. We’re past trying to save just one.” 

Klaus looked over at the table where the bowling balls were stored, nodding slightly before looking back at the others. “Hey, you know guys, uh.... Maybe I could help,” he suggested. 

Luther huffed and Five rolled his eyes. “Now is not the time.”

“No. Let him finish.” Diego took a few steps toward Klaus. “He saved my life today,” he clarified when Luther gave him a questioning look. 

Klaus looked directly behind him with an apologetic smile. 

“Is that true?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I did... Take credit for it.” Klaus motioned awkwardly to the space beside him. “In fact the real hero... Was Ben.” 

Everyone silently stared at Klaus in disbelief. 

“Look.... Today. Today, he punched me in the face.” Klaus pointed at his face as he walked to stand beside Diego. “And earlier at the house, he was the one who saved Diego. Not me.” 

“You are unbelievable, Klaus,” Luther huffed. 

“Ben did punch him! I saw it,” you defended, Klaus holding his hand out toward you as proof. 

“Forgive me for not trusting the junkie in love with Klaus.” A flash of fire took over your hand for a second before dying out just as fast as it came. 

“You want proof, is that it?” Klaus grabbed a bowling ball, turning it over in his hands a few times. “All right. I’ll give you proof.” He sniffed, mimicking throwing it a few times. “Showtime, baby.” 

Everyone watched the ball arch in the air, and it bounce on the floor. 

You closed your eyes, scrunching your face as if you were in pain. “Oh, babe,” you whispered with a huff. 

Klaus pressed his lips into a tight line, ruffling his hair as everyone glared at him. 

“Is there anyway you can silence the voice in your head that screams out to be the center of attention?” Luther growled. 

Klaus turned to look at his brother. “You know, I liked you a lot better before you got laid.” 

Luther and Allison’s eyes both went wide at that. Luther glanced at the woman in fear. 

“Which was a complete.... It-- It wasn’t his fault, ‘cause he was ridiculously high, right?” Klaus tried to explain to Allison. 

“Klaus,” you tried warning. 

“And-- And the girl, she thought he was a furry--” 

“Stop!” Luther finally interrupted. 

Klaus folded in on himself, mumbling an apology. 

Luther followed an annoyed Allison outside, Klaus and Diego sitting back down. 

You sighed and started to pace a bit, wondering how you were going to help stop Vanya when she made you feel like that. You were distracted by a woman and her son coming up to your group. 

“Excuse me! Excuse me, it’s my son Kenny’s birthday today, and... Uh... Wouldn’t your son be happier playing with kids his own age?” She looked between Klaus and Diego. “Assuming it’s okay with your two dads.” 

Klaus and Diego shared surprised looks with each other. Diego quickly reached out to grab your hand as you had stopped pacing beside his seat, pulling you beside him so he could wrap his arm around your waist. “I’m okay with it if you are, baby,” he said up to you with a playful smirk. 

You placed your arm across his shoulders with ease, making note of how natural this felt. You heard the woman mumble an apology for assuming the wrong two people were the couple. “I’m fine with it, darling. Go have fun, Five!” 

Five grimaced at you both, grinding his teeth in annoyance. “I would rather chew off my own foot,” he snarled at the boy and his mother. 

Kenny and his mom recoiled at that, quickly walking away back to his party. “I’m so sorry!” you called after her. “Teenagers, am I right?” 

Five stormed off and it was a moment before you and Diego figured out that you were still connected. You took your hand back and tried to take a step back, but Diego kept a firm hold on you. “I want to apologize. For earlier. I was being a dick,” he said softly. 

You could feel the regret for his words and it made you feel a lot better. You smiled, replacing your arm on his shoulders. “We’re okay,” you assured. “I know how rough lost love can be.” Diego let you go then, but you left a kiss on his scar before pulling away the rest of the way. “You can always talk to me, you know.” He just smiled a bit in response. 

“You’re bleeding again,” Diego pointed out, standing up to look at the gash. He held up his finger to get you to wait for him, running to the food counter to grab some napkins. You sat in the spot he just abanoned, smiling fondly when he came back. 

“You wanna go out after all this?” 

You flinched when he pressed on the cut, Diego offering his other hand for you to hold. “You really think we’re gonna survive all this?”

“Hey, Klaus?” Diego asked over his shoulder. “Can ghosts date each other?” 

You giggled, punching the vigilante in the stomach. 

“That’s not how you should treat the guy who is trying to make sure you don’t bleed out,” he pointed out, giving your hand a squeeze. 

You rolled your eyes, hitting him again just out of spite. “Fine, we’ll go out. Either on this plane of existence or the next.” 

(=♡ ᆺ ♡=)

Tag List: @misspygmypie @mischiefnevermanaged94 @stars-cant-be-broken Message me or reply if you’d like to be put on the tag list!

[pekorosu]

re: the 20-page interview with fujimoto yukari and yoshida akimi

it covers a wide range of topics including her other works which i’m not familiar with and a bit of her personal life, so I’ll only jot down some bf related parts. note that this isn’t a proper translation… consider it a rough one with lots of paraphrasing, interspersed with my own thoughts.

- we begin with the most pressing question: why did ash die? lol

- yoshida mentioned that she had made up her mind for him to die from the very beginning itself. she did get conflicted about going through with it as the series was approaching its end, but the reason for that was river phoenix’s death. she was worried it would be in poor taste.

- fujimoto: how would the ending where he’s alive be like?

yoshida: well nothing much, he’s just not dead (laugh).

fujimoto: so nothing in particular will happen with eiji and they’ll remain separated…

yoshida: yes, that’s how it would be. but in the end i felt like what i decided at first would hit the mark just right.

- (note: this sounds like the 2nd last chapter to me...)

- yoshida started out with the concept of ash dying young bc she thought it would be sort of cool. an average person would live up to about 70 yrs while ash only lives up to 19. but in reality, dying young is p cruel so she wondered if it might a bit not good. but in the end, ash is still a killer. he spilled the blood of others to survive, so no matter what the reasons were, he would have had to settle that debt with his own life. so eventually that’s how she decided to conclude it. she also felt like he wouldn’t have had a long life anyway.

- fujimoto: did news of river phoenix’s death shock you?

yoshida: it sure did! (laugh). it felt sort of like,“why did you have to die now?”

fujimoto: and the fact that it was because of a drug overdose… it must have felt like too much of a coincidence.

yoshida: that’s true. […]

fujimoto: but there are many ways of dying, did you originally plan for him to die that way too?

yoshida: yeah it was pretty much like that. like in “ashita no joe” (laugh).

fujimoto: feels like “the fight’s finally over”.

yoshida: well it’s not exactly like that, but i did plan to have him die in a way that looked like it was for nothing.

- fujimoto then brought up yoshida’s older work, “california monogatari” where a character dies in a similar fashion. she said that there are many great deaths in shounen works, but the protag or deuteragonist always end up dying pointlessly. she asked yoshida why she thinks the reason for that is? yoshida said that in her case, “midnight cowboy” had been a very impactful movie. it’s the reason why she started drawing manga too. there’s a shocking death scene in there and she wondered if maybe she’s heavily influenced by that “imprinting”?

- fujimoto asked whether the shock came from seeing a character die such a death, and yoshida said that’s not it, it’s more of an overall thing. the idea that you’ll die if your partner isn’t there with you. it’s that sort of connection between two souls that’s on the brink of something. it’s not just a physical death, but a spiritual one, or a death of one’s self, or a “total” death when you’re connected to someone a certain way, which is what the movie is about.

- yoshida mentioned that a friend she went to see the movie with just casually went “what a dark movie” so she doesn’t know why she experienced such a huge shock either.

- (note: i know nothing about that movie so maybe i’m getting some wording wrong here >< but it’s definitely a vital piece of context as to why she writes things the way she does lol)

- fujimoto mentioned that some creators find that it takes a lot of strength to kill off characters even if it’s all fictional. she asked how yoshida personally feels about it. yoshida said that she’s not really bothered by it. esp for ash, if it weren’t for river phoenix’s death she wouldn’t have thought much of it. to her, dying young is not necessarily a sorrowful thing. whether a person was happy or lived a good life isn’t measured by how long they lived.

fujimoto: that’s true. but i think it’s hard to say that ash’s life had been “happy”. but, he died while reading eiji’s letter so maybe to ash, that was enough.

yoshida: that’s why i thought, isn’t it the happiest way for him to die? i mean, it is because he died that he gets to have eiji for eternity. eiji will never be able to forget him. it does feel kind of unfair (laugh).

- fujimoto asked if writing the story became more difficult considering that many world affairs have changed during the course of the series. yoshida said that it was. from the start, it’s been about the cold war between the east and west, so it never had much of a sense of realism to begin with. but after the soviet union dissolved, it got even less realistic and harder to write.

- (note: i think by “realistic” she meant like… it didn’t really feel close to home for jp readers?)

- fujimoto went on to ask how yoshida came up with the setting of “banana fish” as a drug that takes control over a person’s sense of self. yoshida explained that it so happened that she had an interest in drug-related stuff in her school years. read lots of books and stuff on the topic, also stories about the cia wanting to achieve mind control, us-russia competition, etc. she found that stuff fascinating.

- fujimoto: by the way, i heard that in the beginning, it was planned for eiji to be a girl.

yoshida: that’s right. i think it would have been fine if he had been a girl, but for me… i actually dislike the kind of girls who immediately go all kyaa! during action scenes, or to get in the male protagonist’s way and yet end up in a romantic relationship with him (laugh). it’s irritating, and a total nuisance. that’s why i didn’t really want to have female characters. better make it a guy then, i thought.

- (note: DOESN’T EIJI DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS THO??? LMAO IM WHEEZING also this makes eiji a trans guy in spirit i don’t make the rules :x)

- fujimoto: you also explored this sort of relationship between men in “california monogatari” in the form of heath and yves (sp?). yves had sexual feelings, but heath didn’t. it felt like ash and eiji were walking quite a fine line there too (laugh) but was it your intention to portray it that way?

yoshida: well, somewhat. eiji being a girl would’ve been fine by me, but if that were the case, the drama would get really predictable, wouldn’t it? if it becomes romantic, that would be it.

after all, there are just different emotions involved in relationships between guys or between girls. of course, if they were lesbians or homosexuals it would be the same as a romantic relationship between a man and a woman, but how is it like to be connected by feelings that are not like that? to me, that’s an enduring theme to explore, after watching midnight cowboy.

fujimoto: so, you wanted to explore connections that aren’t sexual in nature?

yoshida: well, sexuality is definitely still a part of it. more like, what is a connection between souls like?

fujimoto: in other words, for you, a soul contains sexual elements.

yoshida: that’s right.

fujimoto: so you meant something different from the idea of the soul and the body being separate.

yoshida: that’s different. it’s all lumped together, you see. i’m not adept enough to explore that.

- (note:  honestly this part kinda stumped me. i’m confused bc on one hand it sounded like she chose to make this between 2 guys bc she sees that the feelings involved are different from a typical gay relationship (bc of the implication that romantic relationships are all similar regardless of gender). but at the same time she’s also saying that sexuality is still a part of ~the soul~ and she wants to explore this connection between souls… so…………?????? is she saying that the connection itself isn’t sexual even if the soul has those elements? damn i wish i had a better grasp on the language @_@)

- mention of yoshida being a tomboy as a kid and that she often went into the hills and stuff where there were pit vipers. apparently she had a cousin living with her at that time, a frail little city boy. fujimoto made a comparison that yoshida was like ash and her cousin like eiji. yoshida's like, yeah exactly! she found him extremely irritating bc he kept following her around and getting in the way. but if she didn’t look after him, she’d get scolded by her parents lol

- yoshida: eiji has the tendency to be indecisive and masochistic, but eventually when that reaches a breaking point he’ll tear everything down to shreds. he’s the kind of character who gets surprisingly bold when that happens. 

ash is the type of character who is like a tough, solid tree when facing a storm. he would go head-on against it. but eiji’s more like a willow (laugh), all soft and limp like grass. but in the end the one that can outlast the storm is the willow, while the tree gets knocked away. that’s why between the two of them, i get the feeling that eiji is the stronger one… or at least the one who’s bolder.