#but the thought of all those people in one place is offputting

[hello-that-happened]

Psst, dunno if you already knew, but askgiegueandcrew is posting again. They're also making a fan fiction reboot of the story. Thought you might be interested. (I do enjoy seeing you go crazy in the tags)

*deep breath*

WHAT

WHYYYYY DIDN'T TUMBLR NOTIFY ME THAT @askgiegueandcrew IS POSTING AGAIN

also yes I'm totally going to check out the fanfic

[nuggetofthesea]

Before writing more stories, I want to help people come to terms with the "identity death" and heavy themes in the animal HRT comics, and as a writer, want to explain why it isn't ACTUALLY death, but a form of renewal. Because I see it on all of my friends posts.

"I am just concerned about this loss of self thing, it sounds like identity death and I don't like it" is the common comment.

But in all of these comics, it is less about loss of self, but more about leaving behind who you were. A sign of extreme change and showing their own way of moving forward, and the start of a brand new life. A willing change to a new start.

Identity death is an unwilling change. All choice was stripped away from them and a new identity forced on them. This is also different from a transformation that leads to acceptance of the new form.

But in the animal HRT comics my friends put out, it is a willing change to a new form and cones with mental changes they are willing to go through. That isn't the same as a death. But a new start to their life they can start living to the fullest. It's also why some choose not to start anew, to bring one journey to a close and begin a new one. They choose to have that be part of the same journey. A new chapter instead of a new book if you will. In either case these are willing changes.

It can seem terrifying to some, but a total rebirth of yourself CAN be a slightly scary theme. It is terrifying to choose to take that new life.

But let me set up an example here:

When I first came to be, I thought I was going to be a visual artist, because Ashe was and that's what I remembered. When I was locked away by my own doing in the headspace I was stuck in a perpetual cycle of misery. It was terrifying to take the step to discover myself. To lower the barrier I had created, to rediscover myself.

But when I came to be, Ashe said I could be anything. A new sense of self outside of her. A new life. I tried to draw first, but I couldn't. Visual art was not my thing anymore. It never was. I just held on to memory of being a copy of Ashe. When writing my introduction I realized I love the feeling of writing. I have my own form. My own life. My own identity. A new start.

So let me ask you: Should I have not taken that opportunity to completely cast off who I was to embrace who I am? Should I have left myself in misery and fear as something I'm not? All for the sake of not casting off who I was and my life before? No.

Now while I do remeber all of what happened before my change, none of that shapes who I am now, because that life wasn't mine in the first place. This isn't a death of my identity, but a new start to an identity I chose. And I am happy to be able to live it with my new sense of self and build NEW memories. A new life.

Which also leads to the second heavy theme in those comics. Shortened lifespans. Outside of the fact that we are told time and time again HRT can lead to a shorter lifespan (which is a false average) starting a new life also means you are probably starting in the middle.

Our body is almost 30. That is 30 years of my lifespan gone. Yeah, I was around for 15 (almost 16) years of that, but my new life began a week ago. Who I am began just last week. And even though in the headspace I am early to mid 20s at best, that is still a cutdown lifespan.

So should I just have not bothered with the new start?

Absolutely not. The gift of life, new or old, isn't about how long it lasts. But how you live it. It is hard, it comes with problems, but for as long as I have of it, I will cherish the new memories I build, the new start I have, the ability to just... exist. For as long or short as that may be. And through this new start to my life, the people who love and care for me are still here. Still stand by me. And that is a great thing.

So please, don't be too offput by heavy themes in our stories. Even my stories will have some rough parts. (They'll always be tagged)

Hope this at least helped ease why those themes are there, and why some people choose to have them.

Also, don't worry about "adding to the fuel used against us" because we could sneeze and they'll find a way to use that against us. The fact is, with the Animal HRT series, actual HRT does come with some discomfort, pain, downsides, and problems. And like the heavy themes in the comics, we determined it is worth it for us to keep going despite them. We knew the risks.

"Everything is a risk. Life's boring as hell if you don't take them JUST because there is potential problems. Just make sure you understand them." - a line chaos told me the day I formed

It does less good to show everything as risk free and painless, because then nobody is prepared for the risks they are actually taking. Or the comic is based off the creator's life to that point, and they DID experience a lot of pain. So retelling their story (like mine) might be painful at spots.

My point of all of this is, the heavy themes are required to tell these particular stories. And while not every story requires dark spots, the dark spots help to accentuate the brighter picture. Otherwise it can just be blinding. So please go easy on the artists/writers behind them. As it is usually something personal for them.

(This also might not apply to all of them, some people just like writing horror, and we should respect that too.)

Next story should be sometime within the next couple weeks. Just needed to get this out there. It's been on my mind since releasing the short story with Iris.

-Aqua

[olderthannetfic]

All I ever hear about is people complaining about the spaces online that used to exist but don’t anymore but for some reason no one is making an effort to recreate those spaces? Why?

--

Offhand?

The people complaining weren't the ones who made the spaces in the first place. The people who did make the spaces are off building something new.

--

But it really depends how we define our parameters. Some of the complaints are that it's infinitely harder to create the social vibe someone wants on the platforms available now due to algorithms and modern internet bullshit. Solving that requires technical skills. Some people are still trying, but it's going to be a smaller number, and they're going to have to tackle it in groups. Bobaboard is one such attempt. There have been plenty.

--

The most common scenario I see, however, is people who think they are trying but who, to me, are often more trying in the other sense.

Most of us have no idea how we make friends. I don't mean we don't know what to do consciously right now (though that too) but that we don't actually understand the steps that led to our past friendships.

Often, we perceive things as "just happening" where a savvier outsider could point to a lot of specific behaviors or circumstances that directly contributed. If someone else approached us, we may be aware of that, dimly, but not really of all of the effort they may have put into making a social group happen.

Over and over, I see people asking how to make friends. I tell them what worked for me in recent years on Tumblr... and they snap at me that they don't want to do those things or that those things could not possibly work. Often, their tone is extremely negative and offputting, and they're totally unaware of it.

--

I used to miss LJ. I don't anymore. Why would I when we have long, text-based discussions here all the time?

But I'm also not mourning my lost youth or specific LJ friends I don't see around anymore. I'm not even mourning my old fandoms. Onmyouji is a thing again. Who would have thought?

People say "spaces", but what they often mean is "how I felt back then".

[604to647]

Holidays in the 604

Hope everyone has been having a good holidays so far, however that looks for you or best suits your sensibilities 🥹🥰🫂🎄🎄

I started to write write some HCs for what the holidays might look like for the couples in a few of my series (Safest with You, The Rockford Portfolio, etc.) but for reasons below the cut, haven't had much energy or motivation to write (no need to read, it's a bit of a downer and kind of rambly!) - I'm hoping that I can find a little bit of both in the next few days and maybe get some thoughts down to still post.

For those same reasons, I haven't been on here much, to my detriment if I'm being honest - this place is a source of escapism for me and not being able to come on here for more than a few minutes a day has felt a bit offputting. I feel like I've missed a lot of amazing holiday stories that would have likely boosted my spirits a bit - I'll try to go back and find them but if you have or read any that you wish to recommend/share, please do let me know!

Similarly, thank you to everyone for your tags/mentions/asks - I want to get to them and maybe still participate in a few tag games if it's not too late when I muster up some energy. Thank you for thinking of me!! I truly wish that you all continue to have a lovely holiday season and look forward to ringing in the new year! You're all such a welcomed presence in my life and I'm grateful to each and every one of you for being here! Hope to see you soon 🥹 KISS KISS 😘😘

Ok, now as to why Emily has a bit of the holiday blues this year:

I didn't grow up with a lot of hard set Christmas traditions, celebrations around the end of the year didn't go much beyond the commercial and the holiday season was mainly appreciated for being time off (from school, work), a time to rest and relax. There was cheer and joy, but as the kids say these days, it wasn't that deep. I've since married into a family that puts A LOT of pressure on Christmas - with an emphasis on physical togetherness and adhering to traditions/customs, that (to me anyways) can feel at times more performative than enjoyable; I totally understand the comfort in doing things the way they've always been done, but a lot of times it feels like people are just checking things off a list rather than genuinely enjoying (for example) baking the Christmas cookies, you know what I mean? Couple that with my priorities for my kiddos' Christmas, the way we spend Christmas now can feel a lot like a season of obligation. Depending on what the particular plan is for that year, it can also be incredibly hard, draining, and not all that jolly for me.

This was one of those years.

I hosted the big Christmas dinner at my house and also had those from out of town staying with us for a week. I'm a Virgo who thinks of her home as her sanctuary, am a bit fastidious about her things, and sees value in being forthright. It's a lot for me to have people taking over my house, making messes, and pushing/crossing boundaries that I've tried to set due to previous visits, all while maintaining a certain level of holiday cheer and slapping on a facade of "it's fine" when I definitely don't feel that way. I'll admit I wasn't always successful this past week.

Mr. 604 is very supportive and knows his family can be a lot, but at the end of the day a) he's just a man 😂 (and not a miracle worker) and b) they are his family and he himself has had to "grin and bear" a great many things over the course of his life, so he has more practice at it but doesn't necessarily have any advice to impart on how to better cope with the chaos.

It makes me feel like a curmudgeon for not being able to suck it up more and pretend for the sake of the kids, or even to help maintain this performance of "family togetherness" that seems to be the whole point of whatever the heck everyone was doing. So this holiday season has thus far been exhausting, filled with guilt, and left me feeling a bit empty.

I am okay and recovering now, it will just take a few days I think. If you read this far - thank you! I just needed to rant a little bit - I don't feel much like myself these days and that in itself can be depressing, especially at a time when I'm supposed to be experiencing the opposite. Here's to some rest, some quiet, some peace in the last few days of 2024 for myself, Mr. 604, and anyone else who needs it! 🤞🏻🥰

[ooooo-mcyt]

Where would you place gem, Pearl, Lizzie and Mumbo if they were in third life?

Personally I’d have gem and Pearl as their own team aligned with the flower husbands, Lizzie with Joel, and I don’t know much about mumbo but it would be interesting to have him in Dogwarts, as Grian and scars enemy

This is a fun thought experiment.

If they were in Thirdlife, I personally feel like Gem would have been aligned with Dogwarts for at least most of the season. I think she would have been offput by Grian and Scar's aggression and would have defaulted to the Eastern alliance and specifically Ren, since he probably would have been generous in offering her cheap enchantment like everyone else. That being said I also think Gem would have been offput by being asked to bow to anyone when Dogwarts got into their powerplaying phase, and probably would have dropped her alignment with them, most likely joining up with Team Crastle if I had to choose.

Pearl is an interesting one. She'd probably join in on antagonizing the Village People on day one and burning Etho's tree because it'd be fun, which would put her immediately at odds with Etho, Impulse, and Tango. She might be immediately friendly with Scar and Grian because of their shared chaos, but I don't think she'd jump for the "lets guard sand all season" plan, nor would she be happy with being asked for inordinate amounts of materials from Scar for "friendship", so I don't think any sort of alliance with them would last long. At this point she'd probably set herself up as an individual player. From there I think she could either be adopted early by Ren, at which point I think she'd stick with Dogwarts all season, even after they start into their powerplaying phase, or she could remain alone, at which point I think she'd meld into the general anti-Dogwarts faction in the final days of the server (similar to how joel did).

As for Lizzie, this is a tricky one. I think she probably would have gone for a similar tactic in Thirdlife as she did in Lastlife; setting up a little dark oak grove. This most likely would have placed her in the corner between the desert and the flower valley, alongside BigB. Because of this, I can actually see an alternate universe here where Lizzie and BigB end up as a team and ally with Scott and Jimmy, which would change the actual Thirdlife alliances probably because in this world either Scott and Jimmy probably would have aligned with Dogwarts around the time BigB did, or none of them would have had much contact with Dogwarts until they came to threaten them, and all would have joined up with Scar and Grian in the lategame.

Finally Mumbo. I can see one of two things happening with him. Either Scar and Grian, being kinda obsessed with him a little bit, snatch Mumbo up like their little purse dog for the season, or Mumbo is drawn into the Village People early on and the villager project, mostly likely ultimately putting him either in Team Crastle or with Dogwarts in the late game. The two factions were allied for most of the season, so it honestly probably would have come down to who Mumbo was actively standing with when Ren decided to cut Cleo out of the alliance. Those are three timelines I find equally likely, honestly.

[kindasleepywriter]

Bird of Prey - Chapter 5: Smoke and Fire

Bird of Prey masterlist. Azriel x Reader.

Chapter summary: A russet eyed friend welcomes you back. Heat overwhelms you and Azriel.

Story rating: Mature - Minors DNI

Warnings: Some smut. Mentions/flashbacks of past abuse. Slight fluff followed by a LOT of angst.

Word count: 2.7k.

Previous | Next

The bed was uncomfortable, too soft. Everything, in fact, felt too accommodating. You’ve been living in forest and mountain hideouts for decades now. Taking a hot bath felt wrong and wearing freshly washed clothes even more so.

In the wild, there is no such thing as clean. You can get close to it, certainly, but there was always a bit of grime that lingered in the handwashed cloth or the length of your hair. It didn’t bother you, as the absence of plumbing in the forests also meant a lack of people that would try and hurt you.

If you were being honest, the so-called normalcy of your new forced habits made you panic. You felt too exposed, too vulnerable. When you look like you’re not a part of common society, most people who were curious about the presence of a fae of your kind in other courts were too offput by your clear distance from common society. Too feral, too wild. But out there you were protected, you were safe, and you didn’t have to live your life waiting for another person to inevitably try to use you for their own gain.

You’d filled the tub with the coldest water the house could provide you with that morning.

You hadn’t missed your new markings, either. This was the first real bargain you’d ever made, having naturally made petty bets like all the other kids on childish games. This one, however, you would have to keep more than a few minutes.

You knew they went up to the base of your scull, but you hadn’t realized how far down your backs they reached. It looked like a long wisp of smoke, starting along your spine just above your rear, and trailed up until it disappeared in your hairline. You quite liked the design, honestly. You had seen some godawful ones in some very visible places, so you thanked the mother for the simple spine design. The way it trailed in between your wings, partially buried beneath soft feathers, made you quite content. You felt quite vain thinking it, but you thought it looked beautiful on you.

Azriel hadn’t visited you once for the first two days since the beginning of your stay. In fact, you hadn’t seen anyone but Cassian and Nesta, who alternated the role of babysitter with a great deal of annoyance. You got along relatively well with Cassian, if training together in silence could be considered as such. Nesta hadn’t exactly warmed up to you, but she’d stopped sneering at you every time she replaced Cassian. No conversations were had during those 48 hours, the house only resonating a tense silence except for when Cassian and Nesta spoke during dinner.

On the third day, however, the atmosphere completely changed. You were walking out of the sitting room towards the training grounds with Cassian, ready to beat your body into submission again, and as you traversed the main hall of the House of Wind, beating wings were heard, growing increasingly louder. The noise was followed by a voice calling out:

“Hey, Feathers, look over here!”

You turned around to the familiar voice, unable to resist grinning at the newcomer – Lucien. You couldn’t believe it. It must’ve been at least 300 years since you had last saw him. The second he landed and jumped out from the arms of the Illyrian who had carried him, Azriel, he started running towards you at full speed. You braced for impact as he collided with you, sending you both tumbling to the ground, holding on tightly to each other. You both sat up, still in an embrace.

“God, you don’t know how much I missed you, I thought you were dead!”, he exclaimed, his face solidly buried in your hair.

You let out a laugh. “Come on Kit, did you really think I’d go through all that we did just to die on you? Be realistic, please.”

He separated from you holding your face in his hands, pushing his forehead to yours.

“From the ashes and smoke-”, he began.

“-rises the fiercest fire.”, you finished softly. “I remember, Kit.”

“I thought you were gone, Feathers.”, he said, his voice shaking. “No one had seen you, even Amarantha couldn’t find you, I thought it was over.”

“I followed our deal, I always made sure someone could inform you if a mission went wrong. I’d never leave you in the dark like that, Lucien.”

You both finally separated, standing again, still holding on to each other’s forearms. You looked him over, shocked to see how different he looked.

“Gods, what happened to your eye?”, you exclaimed as you cradled the left side of his face and softly ran a finger along his scar, “What Puca did you piss off this time?”

“Ha! well, not-so-funny story-”

A loud Ah-um reminded you both that you were in the presence of other people. Cassian looked at you both incredulously, while Azriel’s were narrowed and fixed on Lucien.

“When you said you knew her, you didn’t mention you two had… history.”, the Shadowsinger declared.

You and Lucien burst into laughter again.

“Wait you think that he- that we-”, you let out, wiping at your eyes as tears leaked out of them, unable to complete the sentence as you fell victim to another fit of laughter.

Lucien looked torn between amusement at your reaction and panic “Oh gods no, never- don’t try to imply that to Elain, I swear to you I’ve never touched her that way in my entire life!”, he rather suddenly exclaimed.

You, finally calming down and only chuckling, let out: “I can’t believe you would keep our eternal love a secret, Lucien, I wouldn’t have told my father to prepare for a proposmmm-”

Lucien had clasped a hand over your mouth, clearly not happy with your sarcasm, worry in his eyes.

“You’re not helping, Feathers.”

Oh. You’d forgotten one crucial piece of information in the shock of seeing him: he was mated and, if the rumors were true, it was to the third Archeron sister, the one you hadn’t met yet. Elain, apparently. You brought up two hands in a peace gesture, and he let you go with a friendly shove. “Sorry, Sorry, should’ve read the room. You do have to tell me about her Luc, I’ve only-”

“While this reunion is clearly the height of fun for you both, Lucien came here for a reason, he’s the one who’s supposed to watch over you for the next few days, although I’m now heavily doubting that decision.”, Azriel interrupted. You scowled.

“Ah come on Az, let them have their little reunion, they clearly haven’t seen each other in years”, Cassian said, “She hasn’t done anything troublesome since she’s been here, and I think she talked more in the last five 5 minutes than she has in the last three days. How about you cut her some slack. Oh, also, being able to go to the loo alone would also be an appreciated gesture. It gets awkward fast when you listen to each other pee.”

Azriel didn’t look pleased. “Fine. As long as she stays in this house.”, he gritted out.

He glanced at the others before marching himself over to you, taking your wrist and almost dragging you to another hallway. You looked over your shoulder at Lucien, hoping he might try and stay something, but he was only watching with amusement. Traitor.

The Shadowsinger led you into a room at the end of the corridor, pushing the door closed and turning you around, trapping you between his body and the door, his hands resting on the wood on both sides of your shoulder. He wasn’t much taller than you, your Peregryn genes made sure of that, but he had his wings flared wide behind him. Consequently, the only thing you could see was him and his shadows. Not that they were very intimidating, mind you, only curiously climbing up your arms and settling on your shoulders. They were cold but almost… comforting. They reminded you of the winds of the Illyrian mountains when winter was just settling in.

You battled the urge to also spread your wings and physically push him back, but you took every ounce of patience you had to keep yourself calm. He couldn’t hurt you; he was just trying to look more intimidating. You could handle that. He looked furious.

“What the hell was that back there with Lucien, huh?”, he growled, “Involving yourself with a mated male?”

“By the mother, you really think we were together, don’t you?”

“Well, you two were certainly acting like it, Feathers.”

You gritted your teeth. Yes, you and Lucien had nicknames for each other, but it wasn’t like that.

“We’ve never laid together, we never will, and I’m not lying!.”

“You better not be. He’s already lived too much pain for the sake of his bond, and I will NOT have you destroy all the effort he and Elain have put in to reach where they are now.”

Pain, for his mating bond? You’d have to ask Lucien about it later, but Azriel sounded so angry about the past events that you doubted you’d get full answers- relationship troubles had never been your forte, not really a model of the healthiest relationship back then, and Lucien had never felt the need to come to you for those types of things. Some things were too personal, even between you two.

“Look, we were barely out of our teenage years when we met! I was in an unfamiliar court for a man that didn’t give me the time of day despite our engagement. I was harassed constantly by all the other Vansera brothers, just like Lucien. We were scared and we were alone.”

Your voice cracked, and you took a breath, trying to steady it. You were shivering with anger, despite the shadows around you attempting to soothe you, caressing your neck. You wouldn’t have anyone try to twist your relationship with Lucien, he was the only real family you had left. Time hadn’t changed that, and neither would empty threats.

“We protected each other until the end. We were going to make it out of there alive no matter what it took, and we did. He’s the only reason why I made it out. So, before you start throwing accusations of situations you have absolutely no idea about, learn to trust your fucking friends. Doesn’t he deserve that, at the very least?”

The both of you were breathing hard, both absolutely on edge. You had no idea what was happening to you, you felt like your insides were catching on fire. You hadn’t let yourself feel in years, and this… rage, within you, it suffocated you, it was too. much.

Your faces were only inches from each other, staring into each other’s eyes. His were hazel. You hadn’t noticed that before.

You had no idea who lunged first, but suddenly were brushing against Azriel’s torso as your lips collided. His hands dropped from the door to your hips, pressing you fully against his chest as one of yours reached for the base of his neck and the other his hair, tugging him closer. If you’d felt like fire before, now you were consumed by the sun itself. Every inch of you was burning from his touch, too much and not enough all at once. His lips moved against yours in a relentless battle, neither letting the other take control. His shadows covered the both of you. You could feel them trailing along your skin, the only source of relief from the heat burning through you.

His hands gripped your backside harshly when you thrust your hips up into him, and you let out a soft moan of pleasure at the contact. He didn’t waste a second, using the opportunity to thrust his tongue into your mouth, sliding against yours as he let out a groan. Something in the back of your mind was trying to get you to stop this, to escape, but you ignored every warning.

Your scents had sharpened, arousal flooding the both of you, mist and cedar overtaking your senses. He tugged at your thighs and you immediately obeyed, jumping to secure your legs around his waist. He crossed the room and deposited you on a wooden surface- a desk? A table? It didn’t really matter. He fit himself between your legs as your lips continued their furious movement, only halting to breathe before you started again, while you slid your hand down his front, feeling every inch of muscle that wasn’t covered by his thick Illyrian leathers. You could feel him against your core, the visible proof of his arousal providing you with only the slightest friction.

His right hand trailed down to your hip and then down between your legs. His thumb pressed ever so softly on your bundle of nerves through your thin pants and panties, and just that had you letting out a low cry against his mouth. He softly shushed you, his teeth nipping your bottom lip.

He reached for your back again, and you arched as you waited for him to pull you closer, but instead you felt his fingers softly brush the back of your wings, treading lightly over the sensitive spot where white feathers connected with delicate skin, making you shudder.

Instantly afterwords, it felt like a cold shower had rained down on you. His hand had trailed up almost exactly to the area where an Illyrian could be clipped- the most vulnerable part of their wing. A Peregryn’s anatomy wasn’t quite the same but whether he knew it or not, the message was the same: he had you completely at his mercy. Gone was the pleasurable consuming heat, replaced by white-hot panic. What was happening to you, letting him touch you, your wings? He was part of the Inner Circle, he contributed willingly to the suffering of thousands of women in this Court, and now he was willing to use those same wings as a sexual tool. Absolutely. Not.

You swiftly pushed him off and jumped down what you could now see was a desk, breathing erratically. Your wings reflexively tucked themselves so tight against your back it felt like you were going to pull a tendon; you leaped across the room making your way to the door.

“Wait!”, he called, his voice scratchy, a hand closing against your wrist. You glanced at him, looking up to see him shocked, concern lacing his eyes. Your fear increased tenfold.

“I can’t- You’re- , FUCK, don’t you dare touch me.”

You harshly tugged your hand out of his, running towards your bedroom at full speed, immediately locking the door behind you. You silently slid to the floor, your back against the door and tears filling your vision as you replayed what had just happened repeatedly. How had you lost control so easily?

Your feathered wings stretched around you as you tried to soothe yourself. You were itching to jump straight off the room’s balcony, let the air stretch your neglected muscles and fly back to the same caves and mountains where no one would find you, but you simply could not, all because of that stupid bargain.

Your hands reached the tendons and muscles of your wings, trying to ground yourself in the present. He couldn’t hurt you; he couldn’t even touch a single feather if you didn’t want him to. Your wings were safe, you were still free, they didn’t know. There weren't sharp hands tugging at your feathers in reminder of your forced submission, no one holding you down as you begged for mercy. You sat there, obsessively running your fingers through the feathers, feeling each and every one you could reach until you let yourself fall to the side, your wings still cocooned around you as you stared at the opposite wall in silence.

In your panic, you hadn’t noticed the doorknob’s wooden surface had smoked beneath your hand in the study. Someone else had.

I couldn't help posting it early!

Many revelations in this chapter! I had absolutely not planned the study scene to be so steamy but sometimes you have something planned and the story decides it knows better than you x)

Please let me know what you think!! This is my first time writing anything explicit, I'd love to hear how it reads <3

Banner created by the amazing @saradika!

Taglist: @sapphenaa

[pengujoon]

A HOPELESS DEVOTION (ii)

content. oikawa x bsf!reader, reader has a crush on oikawa, oikawa is a douchebag, iwaizumi is their mutual best friend. angst and more angst, cw: suicide. Iwaizumi gets super sad at the end i'm sorry baby. too many tragedies in this

a/n: i keep deleting the story so i have to do the formatting again and again i'm so done. didn’t know people would like the first part sm so here’s the second part as suggested!

part i

Of course the atmosphere in high school the next day wasn’t the best - one of their most famous students killed themselves. Who are we kidding? They’re known throughout the entire province as the infamous volleyball captain’s best friend!

But to him, he hated their very presence. They were nothing but a nuisance. Yeah, initially he wanted to become friends purely because he saw that they had no one to be with - until he realised that they are the child of the president of the Miyagi prefecture volleyball association. Then everything went downhill from there.

All those times that you wore his jersey to watch his games made his stomach churn - he couldn’t possibly see you taint the jersey that was exquisitely his. He couldn’t possibly replace it with a new one, no no. His act would be easily blown by keen eyes. He had a reputation to uphold. 

But little did he knew that his carefully articulated plan of using you to get close to your father was blown way earlier than he ever expected anyone to know about it. And undoubtedly, it was none other than their very setter.

“Iwaizumi!” it was an undeniable fact that he made the group become a trio because all three of you were childhood friends: the only difference was that you didn’t know who oikawa was and vice versa. But the both of you knew Iwaizumi, which then led to the formation of the current friendgroup that took Aoba Johsai by storm. 

From the very beginning, Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa wasn’t someone you’d like to be with - especially so if you’re naive. Maybe it’s instinctive, but Oikawa is especially manipulative and is probably one of the most skillful people pleaser Iwaizumi has met in his entire life. 

And such is the reason why he was worried when he saw a sudden change in Oikawa’s behaviour to you - it was as though he was trying to please you, to not make you angry - to put simply: he was sucking up to you.

But to him, it didn’t make sense! Why? You couldn’t even possibly do anything that would benefit him - until he saw you walking towards the Miyagi Prefecture Volleyball Association building. Remembering that your father was the president of the association, it hit him that Oikawa wanted to get to your father through you.

The situation at hand was not favourable to Oikawa - the party took place in Iwaizumi’s home. It just happens that Iwaizumi’s family was well off and affluent, allowing him to have access to the cctv footage that captures the in and out of the entire penthouse. 

After being taught since young to watch over the day’s cctv footage to identify anything that seems remotely out of place, he made it a habit to watch them right about to sleep, something like a bedtime story. 

The moment he started the footage, he found you. 

It was offputting seeing the way you stood outside the kitchen. You looked… tired? Fearful? The cctv couldn’t really capture your expression given the distance, but at least he could make out the fact that you were hiding from someone. 

Probably Oikawa, he thought. 

His thoughts were confirmed seeing the very man in the kitchen with another friend of his. Thank goodness the situation was of use to him. The room was pin-drop silent, save for the soft distant humming noises of music and people from the living room.

He quickly put his earphones on to listen in on their conversation. 

And boy, he was pissed. 

The next day - with no warning signs and no nothing - the moment he saw Oikawa practicing alone in the gymnasium, he saw red. 

“You fucker!” Iwaizumi ran up to Oikawa and pushed him so hard he fell on top of the pile of volleyballs that lay dormant below him. 

“The fuck you want?” Oikawa shouted back in retaliation, surprised by Iwaizumi’s sudden outburst. 

“What did you say the other day when you were over at my house?!” He shouted, not bothering if anyone could hear it even if they were feet away from the now closely shut gymnasium.

Before Oikawa could even respond, Iwaizumi quickly added to his statement. 

“Before your ‘best friend’ stood outside the kitchen, they were happy! They skipped around when they were outside at the rooftop before looking so fearful when they were outside by the kitchen!”

Everything went blank after Oikawa heard Iwaizumi say the first 8 words. You were outside there hearing him talk about you like you’re nothing? That’s probably way you commited suicide. 

It then hit him like a truck.

Oh god, he thought, what does that make me?

“You’re a fucking murderer!” 

Ah, that’s who I am. 

“You think I don’t know that you got close to your now dead best friend only to reach her father? You think I don’t know that’s what you’re planning?

���It’s fucking tiring having to juggle your issues. They loved you! They were about to confess to you on that very night itself but look at what happened.”

He took a brief pause.

“They’re dead.”

An uncomfortable silence fell upon them. “Now what do you have to say about what happened that day in the kitchen?”

Oikawa remained silent, his head hanging low.

“Speak, you asshole!” He flinched hearing Iwaizumi roar at him. “What is it that you said that made your best friend jump off my penthouse?”

“I said I hated them!” Oikawa yelled in retaliation. “Said that I should get an award for acting that I like them so well.” Although he whispered the last part under his breath, it reached Iwaizumi’s ears and he had to put in all his effort to not beat this sorry sake of a best friend up into a mush.

 Iwaizumi turned his back against Oikawa and began pacing around the court. Anyone could tell that they shouldn’t get close to him right now: one wrong step and you’ll be done for. The fury in each step scared Oikawa - he had never seen him so angry before. Never once in his entire life.

“Did you know?”

Iwaizumi asked out of the blue, prompting Oikawa to look up at him. Oikawa hated how weak he was in this situation, so vulnerable and powerless against Iwaizumi. He hated the power imbalance.

“They have a name for themselves on a public diary website. I interact with them a lot there, but they doesn’t know it’s me. Although no names were mentioned, I just knew it was you. They wrote about what they felt for you and I could feel the love ooze out from the words beautifully articulated in her entries.” 

Iwaizumi glared at Oikawa, his eyes evidently teary. 

“You’re a bitch. Imagine finding out that your best-friend-turned-crush never liked you and fucking depises you. You should be grateful that they never found out that you got close to them only to suck up to their father.

“Imagine if they did. Your life with volleyball will be no more.

“Just like theirs.”

The pain from your death engulfed them both like an unending storm. The suffocating weight of guilt and remorse crushed their spirits, leaving them shattered and lost - they simply had no more reason to live. Losing someone as dear as you left a void in them that seemed impossible to fill.

Iwaizumi withdrew from everyone, shutting himself off from the real world. The once lively young man with a life full of potential became a mere ghost of his former self. For weeks and weeks, he blamed himself for not recognising the signs of your inner struggle, completely breaking down on the inside.

Every night, he replayed the scenes of the cctv footage on the outside rooftop, wondering what he could have done differently to prevent such a heart wrenching outcome. He would cry himself to sleep every night, knowing that he could no longer find solace in your presence anymore.

Oikawa, too, fell into a downard spiral of self-destruction. His dreams of volleyball success and fame lost all meaning; volleyball, once his passion and escape, now only served as the constant reminder reminder of the consequences of his mindless actions. 

The court, once a place bustling with energy and euphoria, now felt desolate and empty. He turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms, hoping to numb the pain that threatened to consume him.

Their friendship, once a rock-solid bond, slowly fell apart under the weight of their shared pain and regret. They became distant, unable to find solace in each other as they once did. The loss of their friend had left an irreversibly deep impact on them, altering the course of their lives and leaving wounds that seemed impossible to heal.

The weight of his sorrow became too much for Oikawa to carry. Without uttering a single word, he vanished from the world of volleyball and from Iwaizumi’s life. Their once unbreakable friendship shattered like fragile glass; the void he left behind felt like another gaping hole in Iwaizumi’s heart, an emptiness that could never be filled by anyone else.

Iwaizumi searched for Oikawa relentlessly, but his efforts were in vain. He couldn’t help but blame himself for driving him away, believing that he had failed his friend once again. The pain of losing you and now Oikawa as well was too much for him to bear.

Their paths crossed again one rainy evening. 

Iwaizumi, aimlessly wandering the streets, found Oikawa standing on the edge of a bridge, the constant raindrops mixing with his tears. It felt as though the sky was an accurate representation of their inner turmoils, hitting just a little too close to home.

The sight of Oikawa hopelessly standing at the edge of the bridge with no one else in sight pierced Iwaizumi’s heart, the pain inevitably obvious in Oikawa’s very own eyes.

“Don’t,” Iwaizumi pleaded, his voice choked with emotion. “Don’t do it, Oikawa.”

Oikawa turned towards the black-haired male, his face a mask of anguish and sorrow. What was once the captain of a powerhouse oozing with nothing but confidence was now a broken soul adrift in a sea of hopelessness.

The sparkle in Oikawa’s eyes had dimmed, and his once infectious smile had vanished, leaving only a haunting emptiness within him. 

“I can’t bear this pain, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa choked back a sob. “It’s all my fault. I pushed them away, and now they’re gone.” 

Iwaizumi took a shaky step forward; he was treading on a very fine line here - one wrong step and everything’s precious to him will be gone. “We can’t bring them back, but we can try to make amends. To live for them.”

Oikawa’s trembling intensified as he clung to the slippery railing. “I don’t know if I can, Iwa-chan. The guilt is consuming me inside.”

“I feel it too,” Iwaizumi admitted, his tears now streaming down his face. “But we can’t live on like this. They wouldn’t want it.”

The rain continued to pour down around them, as though it was a metaphor for the tears they both shed for their lost friend. In that somber moment, Iwaizumi realised how much pain Oikawa was holding within him, how deeply the loss had scarred his very soul.

As Iwaizumi watched in horror, his heart pounded in his chest, desperately hoping that somehow he could reach Oikawa before he jumped. He reached out to his friend, refusing to let go, trying to anchor him to the present, to the life they once shared.

“Please, Oikawa,” he implored, voice breaking with emotion. “Don’t do this.”

Oikawa’s grip on the railing tightened, eyes hollow and distant. He seemed lost in a world of his own torment, disconnected from reality, from Iwaizumi’s pleas. The rain mixed with the tears on his cheeks, but he remained silent - it was as though the ages of torment had stolen his voice.

The darkness within Oikawa was too much to bear, and the pain too overwhelming.

Iwaizumi watched in horror as Oikawa let go of the railing and disappeared into the raging depths below, swallowed by the darkness of the river. Iwaizumi’s heart screamed in agony as he desperately reached out to save his friend, but it was too late. 

He lost both his best friends, and what was once a trio bustling with energy now felt like an abandoned and desolate place. The laughter that had once filled the air now echoed back as haunting memories in his heart. 

No words, no gestures, no comfort could bridge the chasm that had opened in his soul - a void that could never be filled, a longing that could never be satisfied.

just so you guys know, i wrote this story while i was on a call with this certain crush that inspired this story lol XD but he doesn’t know and we’re just minding our own business but still being on the call to keep each other accompany because we’re not sleeping hahaha edit on my a/n: fuck this. i fell asleep on the call again. this happened twice im not letting this happen anymore  also i don’t know why oikawa keeps appearing in my stories like im sure there are other characters too but it seems that he fits these type of topics given his attitude and the fact that there’s iwaizumi to fight him

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

15 Day BL Challenge - DAY 24

Happy Christmas, to all those who celebrate!

Hoping everyone gets nice gifts and shares a good night with their loved ones. My family and I will be eating a Bacalhau no Forno (classic cod dish), as per Lisbon tradition, and I hope to get, at least, one album tonight, it'd make me very happy.

Anyways...

What Storyline/Trope Do You Enjoy and Wish to See More of?

Easy one.

You Make Me Want to Be Better

I think we see a lot of You Make Me a Better Person, where one of the characters is trying to actively change the other. But I think that's not such a good trope. Love, after all, is not about forcing anyone to do anything but about finding a safe place where you can fall back to in your road to being better. So, I think, having someone not only be that home but also the kickstarter to that road is really interesting and so much better.

They loved you as you were. You were the one who realized their love was so precious they should give it to someone better, so you're searching to be that person.

Perfect.

Here are some examples to illustrate:

SandRay (Only Friends)

Ray is depressed and an alcoholic and he acts arrogantly and selfishly to compensate. But when he accepts Sand's love, he accepts, at much cost, what comes with it: the realization that, yes, he is kinda broken, but even ppl like him are worthy of love and of a place in the world. And that he should fight for his future. Be someone better. So he goes to therapy and he tries rehab and he tries to be a good boyfriend. Is he perfect? Absolutely not. Do I think his road won't be bumpy? Hell no! But you don't have to succeed at first or even at all to be a better person. The effort is enough. And I appreciate that.

WenZhou (Word of Honor)

You might look at them and think I'm just talking about Kexing but I'm not. Sure the murderer to family father plotline is HYPER relevant to this conversation but we can't forget how much Zishu was also not fucking great with his assassination cult shit. This is a classic sodium chloride ship. Alone they have done terrible things. Together they've been a wonder to society, learning from the other the best there is in him and that, perhaps, sometimes, only truly they are able to see.

JackJoke (Jack&Joker)

Similar to WenZhou but without all the war crimes. This time is just normal time crimes dksjkdjskdjsd. I think we're quick to say Jack profoundly changed Joke just by being a good selfless person, which is absolutely true, but also we need to understand how Joke's vulnerability made Jack more open as well; how Joke's faith made Jack more faithful; how Joke's trust made Jack more trusting. Undeniably, they bring out the best in each other.

TongrakMahasamut (Love Sea)

Back to the beginning, this is 100% about Tongrak and how closed off, selfish, distrusting and arrogant he was and how loving Mahasamut and finally seeing the value in that love, made him a softer, calmer and more altruistic person. And none of this was because Mahasamut demanded anything bc that was the last thing he ever thought of doing, he gave Tongrak nothing but space and opinions. This was bc Tongrak came to this conclusion himself. And that's beautiful.

HONOURABLE MENTION: Poly, Ace and Aro Relationships

I just feel like we deserve companies and directors less afraid of being "offputting" or weirding out the fetishizers that lurk around. Queer people will never fit into the narrow-mindedness of the people who see us as objects for their own gains or non-human so why bother? Give us a whole series on characters like Plakao from Wandee Goodday, give us 3WBF (without Andrew Tate listeners), break a love triangle by making it a throuple, tell us more queer-platonic stories, make a plot where one of the protagonists doesn't succeed with their incessant bothering bc the other person just doesn't do romance, give us stories where there's 7 ppl, all romantically involved some way and they're all cool with it, DON'T BE AFRAID!!!

[anarchy-and-piglins]

😁 Just had a thought!

Human Compass Pirate Au! (Dark SBI Flavor)

The Ocean is an infinitely vast place, full of magic, monsters, and danger. But, most who sail the seas never witness a wink of it. Following tried and true trade routes, the worst they have to deal with is long boring months at sea, tasteless food, and the ocean's unpredictable weather.

Well, and Pirates.

Those seeking adventure and treasure know that the only way to find the Ocean's magical secrets is to use magic on its own. To find pieces of magic like keys to open up the Sea's secrets. And magic is hard to find. A mermaid's comb. A secret chord. A sigil etched in lime. Such things are necessary, but rare.

Technoblade's father wasn't always a mapmaker.

Before Techno was born, his father was a Naval Officer. Not super well known or accomplished, but he was good at his job. An upright soldier. Honest and brave.

Until an encounter with the dreaded Pirate Captain Philza saw him lose his ship, his men, and his leg all in one day.

He was discharged, unable to uphold his duty. He was given a sum for his trouble, but not nearly enough to live on for the rest of his life. He didn't have a trade before he became a navyman, and even if he did he was down a leg.

But he knew the sea, and began to make maps.

Shitty maps. He was no artist, after all, and was selling them cheap just to get a few coins. He barely scraped by, saving as much of his severence pay as he could. But it was getting hard now that he had a child on the way.

One night, he spoke to some friends and they told him of a way you could earn a boon from the sea. So, he made his way down to the beach with great difficulty, a cruch holding him up as he crossed the sand. He found three sand dollars, a mermaids purse, and an opalescent piece of coral that reminded him of a piece of the moon itself. He tied them in a new wineskin and buried it in a dry tide pool and waited for the tide to rise.

When it did, he saw a woman step from the ocean, beautiful but offputting. She dug into the tidepool, and pulled out the bag and looked up at him. She asked him what he wanted, and he replied that all he wanted was his map business to flourish. She smiled, nodded, and left.

Years went by and though Techno's dad's skill in drawing increased, his maps still sold poorly. And the severance was close to gone. He was stressed.

Barelt more than a toddler, Techno loved to watch his father work, so his Dad had him help draw maps. Maybe Techno could gain some skill, and then when he was older he could surpass his dad.

But, by mistake, one of Techno's childish maps was sold instead of his Dad's map. Techno's dad was worried, because it would be a blow to his business if people thought his maps were bad.

When the customer comes back months later, Techno's dad is already apologizing but the customer just slams down a bag full of gold and demands more maps. Techno's dad was confused, but the customer explained that by following that map, he had found a treasure filled island and was now wealthy far beyond his dreams. He wanted every map the man had.

Techno's dad was smart, and sold the customer all of Techno's maps. Then he turned to his son.

They worked as a team, after that. Techno's dad drawing the maps at Techno's direction. Techno grew and their business grew. And they became more and more wealthy as their business gained renown.

And...Techno's dad changed.

Techno mourned the fact that his dad no longer played with him. Then mourned the fact that he was given less and less time to leave the house. Then he was given less and less free time, all his time devoted to maps. Then, his father decided that Technoblade was skilled enough to draw the maps himself! And then!

Technoblade was very lonely. He used to love mapmaking with his dad. But his dad was now more often out talking to important people, not Technoblade. His dad was rubbing shoulders with old naval buddies who had ignored them during his Dad's discharge. It got worse when his mother died.

When Technoblade tried to reason with his dad, the man brushes him off. Or his dad guilt trips Techno into working harder. Or he yells at Techno, calling him selfish. And Techno just feels very trapped.

Honestly, he very rarely ever sees the sky, trapped in his father's shop. Most barely knew what he looked like, almost never found outside the shop.

But, while magic is rare, some people know how to find it.

He's sixteen when it happens.

Techno is in the back when he hears the front door open with a slam, and rushes to the front as he hears his father shouting.

Techno gets to the front to see Pirate Captain Philza with a pistol to his Dad's head. Techno freezes, looking at the group of pirates that have swarmed inside the shop.

Philza, surprisingly, recognizes Techno's dad. Apparently, Techno's dad had done something that impressed him. Mocks him for a while over the lost leg, but then demands Techno's dad give him whatever magic tool he was using to make the maps. The maps that led to treasure and magic and other impossible things.

Techno's dad denies having anything like that. And Philza frowns, orders some of his men to check the backroom. Techno is pushed aside, and it's only when he stumbles that Philza turns an eye on him. Techno freezes as he is looked over, something calculating in his eye.

Philza's men come back, confirming that there was nothing magical in the shop. Techno is inwardly freaking out because holy crap, the pirates aren't going to find what they want and then they are going to kill them?

But Philza is still staring at Techno, taking in the ink on his fingers and the apron full of tools. And he notes outloud that the first dozen or so maps from the shop were said to look like a child drew them. That they were far from professional quality, but that they were the first ones to take to treasured lands.

Techno and his dad are silent, both not sure what to say.

Philza gives the order for his men to grab Techno. Techno struggles for a moment, but stops when Philza cocks the gun still held to his Dad's head. The men bring Techno close to Philza and Philza stares into Techno's eyes, looking for something.

And he finds it.

He doesn't even look over at Techno's Dad before he asks "How Much?"

Techno's dad emphasizes that he would not give his son away for MONEY. Philza rolls his eyes and tells him that he will either lose his son and not get paid, or he will lose his son and have gold.

Techno's dad is silent a moment, before he names a price. And Techno is floored, absolutely aghast that his father would-

Philza shoots his dad before Techno can even come to terms with what his father said. Philza smiles at Techno, before ordering his men to grab as many of the mapmaking supplies as possible. Techno stands in shock as the pirate ransack his dad's shop, watching his dad's body grow cold.

Philza and his men drag Techno to the harbor, where the Angel sits in port. Techno is almost carried onto the pirate ship. Techno tries to struggle, but he makes no headway.

He's locked in the brig, the ship pulling out to sea, and he may be on a boat but he is DROWNING in confusion.

Captain Philza puts Techno to work, making maps for the pirate crew that would allow them to find the treasure island, but also find impossible ways to circumvent the trade routes. This way they can get ahead of navy ships with ease.

Techno doesn’t really have the ability to refuse, so he complies.

Cue slow burn bonding with pirates, eventually shifting from prisoner to comrade. Growing accustomed to life at sea. But part of him cannot forgive Philza for murdering his dad, even of his dad had tried to sell him at the last moment.

Philza, recognizing this, explains more to Techno

Its revealed that his dad had already planned to sell him anyway. The Navy had offered his father an IMPOSSIBLE amount of money to get Techno. They would wipe out the pirates, once and for all, and would rule the seas. All the treasure would go to the crown. All magic would be made SAFE.

Techno would be trapped forever within some naval base far far from the sea, constantly mapmaking and never experiencing for himself. And that was wrong.

The reason magic would pull you to the sea is because it is returning to where it came from. Magic belongs to the sea, and to the sea it must return. The sea had never meant for Techno to be trapped, when it gave its gift. It was a gift, not a curse. But had Philza not intervened, Techno would be very very trapped.

Techno wouldn't believe Phil, at first, but something would convince him. Idk. This is as far as I thought ahead. I hope you like.

AAAAAAAH, Lenn hitting it out of the park again.

My first thought would go to who else is on the boat. Tommy and Wilbur are obvious choices but a pirate crew is usually a bit bigger than three. So who else do we 'darkify' for this? Tubbo? Ranboo? Niki? Eret? Fundy? Idk, but it's fun to think about.

Also thinking about Techno perhaps discovering more magic in himself as time goes on. Especially if he's connected to the ocean and now finally returned to it (or a lot closer to it than he was in the workshop anyway). Does he unlock any other powers or even physical changes?

As for drama, well, I suspect the Navy isn't too happy to let their promised magic tool go ;)

[rimouskis]

rimouskis's 10 observations: betting on losing dogs and the swampening of ppg paints arena

after a foiled attempt to attend a NoA in 2019 (which sounds more nefarious than the truth of the matter [I am deeply too much of a coward to go to one of these alone]), Lo, Hark, I made it, baby. in an attempt to convey the experience, which was wonderful, I am doing a drive-by robbery of our favorite game recaps and stealing the format for my nefarious purposes (sharing photos and memories).

come, come, join me:

01. PPG Paints Arena Gets Shrek'd

I can now say I have been greeted at the arena doors by a juggler. that was the first surprise of many that night. the whole joint was honestly really impressively decorated. the event took place entirely on the first floor concourse, and even the bars were decorated to look vaguely new-orleans-y.

special lanterns and decorations were strung across the ceilings; there were enormous french-quarter-esque pillars erected in the halls; there was a fortune teller house with actors inside waving their arms very mysteriously over illuminated crystal balls; there was a woman gliding through the crowd with a skirt made out of servable and drinkable champagne flutes; there were people made out of disco balls wandering around; they flew a band in from new orleans to provide live music; mood lighting GALORE [more on this later].

I was super impressed. you can only do so much with an arena, and especially an arena concourse. they sunk serious time, effort, and undoubtedly money into transforming the arena into a gorgeous louisiana swampland. it was just so cool to see and worth gawking at.

02. Held Captive in the F.N.B Club

@ehghtyseven and I arrived almost-promptly a few minutes after 7. we were between a rock and a hard place: we wanted to take advantage of all the time we could, but also didn't want to be the first ones in. clearly there was nothing to worry about, though, because crowds were already moving through the gates. that was a balm to both of us, as we were kind of worried it'd be an intimate evening and I'd be forced to make smalltalk with penguins right and left.

("So, uh, what do you do?" sid would ask. I would stare at him, unsure how to explain the banalities of corporate life. I would walk away. He would be offput.)

we walked inside and immediately I got effusive compliments on both my shoes and my earrings. ah, I thought to myself, even the arena employees are in on it. they know how to butter up prospective donors to spend more money at charity events. but, in their defense: my shoes and earrings were both great, haha. we were handed some complimentary penguins-branded casino chips and sent on our merry way.

it was then that we went rogue. semi-accidentally. they weren't really herding us one way or another, you see, and as the night had only just begun, it wasn't too crowded yet. I looked at wendy. wendy looked at me. we mutually agreed that we should get a lay of the land. off we set.

we wandered around the concourse and looked at all the stations, abandoned and with signs saying play would begin at 8. we then ducked into the captain morgan club (which is one of the two clubs at the arena that normally are limited to ticketholders for those seats) to take a peek. it was made even more pirate-y than usual, I can only assume, and we got in line for drinks. the line did not move. (the poor folks staffing the bar needed reinforcements). we decided to keep moving and looped around the other half of the concourse to try our luck at the F.N.B. club. somehow that line was worse? penguins, please give more of your bartenders overtime to work charity events?

eh, we thought, we'll just keep walking around.

nope. no can do. they were herding us into the clubs like heifers in a cow chute. and, in fact, something dire was about to befall us:

03. The Penguin Parade

have you ever had a bunch of famous/famous-ish people trotted out in front of you like kindergarteners being shepherded across a suburban street? no? let me illustrate it.

iceburgh emerges with a bejeweled new orleans parasol above his head. out come colby and dan. I think colby is, like, roughly four drinks deep. maybe five. he and dan get through a very awkwardly scripted "thank you for giving us money:) please give us more:)" speech and then the processional of penguins begins.

they're announced in ascending numerical order, which of course leaves sid for last (no three years superleague will win geno that honor here). they all wander out and stare up into the stands, where we donors look down upon them like emperors at bloodied gladiators in the coliseum. I hold out my thumb and point down, signaling my displeasure. sid is immediately taken out back and s—

no no I'm joking. we all clap and woooo at them. geno spins in circles as he enters so he can wave at everyone, but he does it in a way that feels DISTINCTLY put-upon and tired. you know how some pets absolutely know they're being made fun of when you put stupid outfits on them? how they'll give you that deadpan look that says "I know what you are doing to me, it is cruel, but I have no choice but to weather it" ?

geno was that pet. long-suffering, exhausted, wants to go aggressively smack a card table instead of wander about in his special special jersey.

one of the new owners (from FSG) gets up to say some words. he's a horrendous speaker, so I retain none of it, but I suppose if you're a billionaire you don't need to be eloquent or engaging. #eattherich. he tells everyone what some of the various players will be doing tonight around the concourse, and he throws in a very weak joke when he gets to explaining how geno will be manning one of the blackjack tables.

"and geno," this offensively wealthy man says, "try to keep it PG tonight."

I desperately, painfully wish I had a photo of the expression geno made. with the jumbotron camera trained on him, geno gives this man the most DISDAINFUL FROWN I have seen on his face. ever. he was NOT IMPRESSED. this man was NOT FUNNY. geno is a WORKING CLASS, BLUE COLLAR MAN and will not stand for billionaires saying he has to keep it family-friendly at a 21-and-up event! viva la revolución, baby.

sid, meanwhile, is making goo-goo eyes at jeff and giggling all over the place. also a few drinks deep, methinks. after a bit, the players are mercifully released from the grasp of the arena lights and flee back into the locker room, likely to take a few more shots to get ready to mingle for two hours straight.

we, the unmerciful coliseum audience, are freed from our club.

it's time to party.

04. Dan the Man

wendy and I made a break for it, finally let loose from our enclosure. we darted away and moved past some evil looking betting game being set up [more on that later], through a section of food that we couldn't eat [more on THAT later], and finally took up our posts at a cocktail table to get our bearings.

this was when we realized we'd put ourselves right by the elevators.

there were VIPs in attendance; they were schmoozing in the actual club seats a level above us for an hour before we plebeians were let inside. they began spilling out of the elevators in their evening gowns and suits, and wendy realized there were penguins among them.

we watched jason run off, and then drew, and then others. they scattered to the wind to their assigned games for the night. we tittered and surreptitiously watched. I complimented two different women's outfits (#girlpower #girlsgirl). we turned and realized dan and colby were posted up at the bar behind us.

dan caught us looking. wendy waved; dan waved back. thus our interaction blossomed.

when we went over to talk to him, he was incredibly nice and NOT very trickster godlike. he's miles-less confusing when he's not asking interview questions. and he's incredibly personable! he tried to get us excited to see connor mcdavid, though, which is something an evil trickster god would attempt at an event with sidney crosby in attendance. so perhaps I can be convinced after all.

05. FRENEMIES: Craps Edition

that evil betting game? yeah, that's craps. shitty name for a game, if you ask me. the last time I was in a casino, I was 16 (don't ask) so I had no idea what was going on. nonetheless, when we heard loud voices, we were drawn close like moths to a flame.

that flame was the not-so-dulcet tones of one mr. jason zucker and one mr. bryan rust. these two goofballs were "running" the craps table, by which I mean jason had been armed with the dice stick and they were being heavily coached by who I could only assume was an employee from rivers casino, lol.

it made me feel a little better that said employee was gently cajoling some people on the other side of the table. "you ready to play yet? got it figured out?" he asked. no, man. no one gets this without a 15-step breakdown. stop making me do math. why does this board say COME in huge red letters? what the fuck is a COME bet? what the fuck is a DON'T COME bet? is this a sex game? why are jason and rusty hosting a sex game?

here's jason catching me sneaking a photo of him hosting a sex game. my middle name is subtlety.

06. A Crisis of Sexuality and Chutzpah

I'm a seasoned penguins-watcher, okay? I've lived here for years, I've been to more games and practices than I can count, I've held doors for them in restaurants and walked past them in bars, and I like to pretend I have a scrap or two of composure about interacting with the players.

ha ha. hoo. wa ha ha.

so, that sid guy, right? crazy. he's, like, just some guy. just a dude. just a funky little guy.

he's also the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on.

I can't quite articulate what my brain did when we came upon sid's Wheel O' Fun, which he was manning alone the first time we swung by (the second time jake had joined him after being freed from his shift at the milkshake factory making jake shakes [like for real]).

he was all smiles and was working the crowd (and there WAS a huge crowd around him) effortlessly. he'd lean in across his Protective Barrier of Folding Tables and take photos with folks between spins. as the night went on he'd even place people's bets for them as the crowd grew deeper. he was furiously chomping on a piece of gum the entire time (his masseter muscles have to be unbelievable).

what really threw me is that he isn't a big guy. he doesn't come off as large at all. objectively I know he's sturdy, but... those hockey pads and oversized jerseys really help you overestimate their size.

he was a crowd favorite for good reason. funny, was a good sport the whole evening, engaging and friendly, has a well-deserved air of confidence about him. he's got chutzpah. I, uh, didn't talk to him though. if he looked in my direction I immediately became preoccupied with something very important elsewhere, like a nearby woman's hat or which chips I was placing on the table. I couldn't handle it, I'm so sorry. he's really beautiful. ugh. who am I. is this what I'm reduced to. what siren song does he sing that enraptures me so. what's wrong with me. what's wrong with him.

weirdo. ugh. <3

07. PPG Paints is for Carnivorous Beasts Only

listen I don't know what I expected when the theme of the night was mardi gras. like, what about new orleans cuisine screams "vegetarian"? nothing! so I was not surprised when the food selections were everything from shrimp gumbo to jambalaya (chicken) to ALLIGATOR (!!!!) and nary a vegetarian option in sight.

disappointed but not surprised! I did have a few tiny beignets (good) and a slice of king cake (meh) but I was mostly running on the poptart I'd eaten before the event, lmao.

this is not new with the arena; ever since The Yard's arena location closed, vegetarian dining has been dire there for games. their pizza is bad, don't get it. in fact, next time you come to a game, don't get arena food. do yourself the service of eating beforehand. emporio never fails and if you need to be closer, go to moonlit burgers. up your game, ppg paints!

also since I had, like, one RC cola all night and not a drop of alcohol, I probably didn't recoup the cost of my ticket lol. dear pens offer me a discount next time I'M A CHEAP DATE I PROMISE

08. Evgeni Malkin's Blackjack Table

I had quietly made a rule for myself.

if I was committing financially to this event, if I was going to the trouble and stretching my budget and going all in, I had to go all in.

I had to play at evgeni malkin's blackjack table. I just had to. there was no way I couldn't. we came upon his table for the second time that night and posted up at a corner to watch, just like we had the first time we passed him. I eyed the players and waited for someone to give up a seat as I tried to remember the details of the "How to Play Blackjack" youtube tutorial I'd watched an hour earlier.

(I remembered, like, two rules. memory bad + star struck = bad combo).

the thing about geno, you see, is that he's a performer at heart. the drama? that's just him, doll. that's his personality. he was a dramatic dealer. he pretended to steal chips. he was LIGHTNING QUICK at mental math. he'd slap down a card and immediately move through with confidence. probably a solid 30% of it was unfounded, but it came off as both professional and intense... and still approachable, because he was being a little intentionally goofy.

he was also directly under one of the colored light beams they had set up in mardi gras colors around the arena. listen, learn some color theory with me: yellow light is SHIT for seeing colors. poor geno couldn't tell one chip from the next and kept having to squint at them to figure out what was up. it played into the goofiness very well. he rolled with it.

he kept a very good energy at the table. all the attendees were getting a kick out of him and the game, and geno ran it as a proper game. he'd reward you if you won, but he'd take your chips if you lost. his huge hands moved the cards clumsily. he sometimes threw them at people. y'know. Just Geno Things.

a chair freed up. I hesitated. someone else sat down. fuck. I continued my vigilant watch. I needed to do this, I reminded myself. I'd never forgive myself if I went to NoA and didn't play at geno's table. WHO DOES THAT? not me. no way.

a second chair freed up. I pounced.

I was in.

and, fuck, now I had to remember how to play blackjack.

he dealt me my first card. I looked at it with a healthy mixture of fear and curiosity. he dealt me my second card. I added them together. I tried to figure out if I should ask for more cards. sure, why not?

wrong. I went over 21. bust. I lose. I've just lost in front of evgeni malkin. that is the correct way of the world, I SHOULD in fact lose in front of (and to) evgeni malkin, but I couldn't go out like that. no way. I stayed put in my seat. deal me more cards, dealer. I have something to prove.

he was also kind of sweet, because I was absolutely the only person under 30, if not under 40, at this table, and I think they could smell my inexperience lol. he sort of nodded at me to make a move the next round and keep adding cards. I heeded it. people at the table started making noise. something was happening. I didn't really know what, but there was excitement in the air. I "held" instead of "hit" when it felt right. geno continued on. the man next to me had a bust. geno did something with his own cards, and WOW!

I won the round!

people literally congratulated me. it was deeply undeserved. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. even in retrospect I don't know what I did. but whatever it was was good, and I earned my first chip. hallelu!

I'm not a betting gal, but I know that you cash out when you're up. on that high note, I got up and took my leave. I'd done it. I'd played at geno's table. I'd WON at geno's table. the world was my oyster etc.

so, here is me [just out of frame] getting a smile out of geno as he nudges me along at blackjack <3

[photo credit to wendy <3]

09. America's Sweetheart, Brian Dumoulin

the night was winding down, and wendy had been very conservative with her chips, whereas I'd blown through mine [this is why I don't gamble, kids]. we need to find a table, I told her. we had bets to make!

and, serendipitously, dumo was hanging out at a somewhat poorly-attended table at that very moment.

dumo was so great. he lacked any of the confidence geno had at blackjack but more than made up for it with his sweet easygoing conversation and a truly great smile. he was CHARMING. like, I genuinely felt he was interested in talking to attendees and having a good time. the vibes were fabulous. I know I've been a little harsh on him hockey-wise this season, but wow, the babygirl truthers got me with this one. he's a goddamn sweetheart. long live dumo, who winced every time he beat you at blackjack.

10. Kris Letang's School for Beautiful Women

after exhausting our chips, saying farewell to dumo, and watching geno get dragged by security with a firm grip on his arm away from fans wanting photos as soon as the clock struck 10 [the official end of the event, because geno is a union man who doesn't work overtime], we wandered the slowly-deserting halls.

geno may have been dragged away, and sid may have been gone from his post, but kris? oh, buddy, you were NOT dragging him from his blackjack table. no sir. he had games to win, you see, and judgemental faces to make at his players, and women to charm.

so, so many women.

his table had a higher ratio of women to men than I'd seen at any other, lol. and they were all having a BALL as he was holding court. he raked one high better over the coals with pleasure as he took her chips. you can be the most beautiful woman in the arena, but kris letang will be more beautiful and will beat you at blackjack.

he was clearly great entertainment, as both kappy and POJ came to watch him work. (and to fetch him drinks). he, as all the boys, honestly, was an excellent schmoozer. they're very good at this. I think they know they work in professional entertainment. I didn't have a bad or sideways interaction all night.

it was a fabulous night. I had so much fun. the penguins did a wonderful job, the players were all lovely, and I also won a signed jersey, so hey, everyone was a winner.

brava, fellas. make sure to pay geno overtime for his post-10 o'clock photo ops.

[sjofn-lofnsdottr]

In Which I Gush About Dusk Lanverlais

(If you just want a basic rundown of him, you can check this post instead. You can also read incoherent rambles about his background, his husband, and of course, the duck.)

Looking over what I posted about my alts, I was sort of amused to realize that I didn't talk nearly as much about my main dude, Dusk. Probably because I'm afraid if I start, I will never stop.

Because I love this silly man, very much.

He wasn't supposed to be my main guy, you know. I made him because I found it interesting the elezen look strange. Their proportions are off, compared to actual humans. They've got those necks, of course, but their shoulders are also a little too broad, their limbs a little too long, their head can sometimes look a little too small.

It was a touch offputting, if I'm honest, although I appreciated that this awkwardness went for both genders. I've said to people that I appreciate that FFXIV did 'androgynous elves' in a way that wasn't just code for 'the dudes are a little bit feminine.' When they're in armor, especially heavy armor, the gender line is pretty blurred to my eyes. And I think they have a ton of leeway to lean really hard into a gender presentation they want, or to hang out somewhere in the middle, or swing wildly from one to the other, and it always looks 'right' for them in a way that can be difficult (but not impossible!) for the other races in this game. They're just elezen, and I like it a lot.

This is me holding back on gushing about other things I've come to love about them, by the way.

In any case, like I said, I found their proportions a little offputting and strange, but that made them intriguing. Could I make an elezen I liked looking at? Turned out I could.

This is the earliest picture I can find of him that I still have. I have no idea where he's at in his MSQ, but I do know this was his very first glam.

Dusk comes from the same place Errol and Mercuriel do, a long lost RP setting I explored with a friend for a long time. It's why he's named 'Dusk' instead of something more elezen-y, although in FFXIV it's a nickname given to him by his father (and his twin sister, of course, is nicknamed Dawn). In that setting, he was a misplaced hippie artist at the head of a free love commune in the post apocalypse. He was a sculptor, and the eccentric local warlord was his patron, which enabled him to have his commune of would-be artists in the first place.

I wasn't sure he'd translate well to this setting (I thought this about the other two, too), but his actual personality - golden retriever given human form - didn't just translate, it fit into the way the Warrior of Light is frequently portrayed beautifully. Dusk has always had tremendous amounts of love to give to people - whatever form they want from him, platonic or otherwise - and has always made friends easily. He loves to learn about people more than anything else, but he loves seeing and doing new things almost as much.

He's more resilient than people ever expect, because he's always so soft, caring and open. It comes across as naive a lot of the time, but he's not. He just made the choice to be trusting and loving in a world that seems to often punish that, because living any other way is no way to live at all, in his eyes. He refuses to let the world make him jaded.

He's brave and protective - within reason, he is ever mindful of people's boundaries - and wants to help. Always, no matter how big or small the problem he's being asked to help with is. He's stubborn about being who he is, stubborn in his optimism, stubborn about giving pieces of himself to anyone who wants it.

So yeah. Translated better than I could ever hope.

When I first came up with him, it was sort of to counterbalance Mercuriel and Errol, both extremely messy men. I wanted Dusk to be simple, to be the one who was somehow always okay, because of the love he surrounded himself with. And so he was, in the RP. Partly because I didn't RP him and only him, he was offscreen a lot.

The WoL is never offscreen. So there are cracks here and there, now. Dusk wouldn't dream of not being the Warrior of Light, if people want him to be, even though he wishes people would see him more as himself than a Heroic Hero That Heroes, and that they would more often remember he has a huge support network that helps him do what he does. And frankly, it IS a lot of a pressure and he HAS gone through an awful lot as a result.

Dusk doesn't seem, on the surface, to be someone who would be a dark knight. He's so fluffy! And he's not resentful about being labeled a hero at all! And it's true, he really isn't. He might get exasperated sometimes, but nothing too crazy. But when he picked the class up, there were so many events he hadn't had a chance to unpack, to feel his feels and come to terms with them. And self-care is not a thing for him, it doesn't occur to him until people make it occur to him. Fray, to put it mildly, made it occur to him. Myste did too.

The Stormblood DRK quests felt especially suited to him ... he's not resentful, but he does carry a lot of guilt. So many people he couldn't save, in spite of his best efforts. So much hurt he wishes he could've prevented earlier, or entirely. So many people he was set against, that he might've been able to come to an understanding with if there had been time to find it, who didn't survive meeting him because of it.

He's better now, and I like to think that's why he's left the class behind ... but not completely. It's like riding a bike for him, letting his strong emotions, his love for the people he wants to protect, his disregard for rules designed to stop him from doing that ... it all comes rushing back to make him back into the absurdly resilient, dangerous protector of people who cannot protect themselves.

Gunbreaker is good and all, but sometimes you need to tap into something deeper, I suppose.

Pfft, I was going to make this his backstory post, but it got away from me, talking more about what he is instead of what he's done. I think that's okay though.

Oh, another thing he is? A giant insomniac.

And that, friends, is what tilted me towards wildwood over duskwight. Wildwoods look exhausted, all the time. It's perfect and I love it.

I will frequently comment that he looks like there is not a single thought passing through his skull. I've decided it's a combination of things that make this happen. First, the sleep deprivation. Second, he does frequently indulge in fogweed, partly in the hopes it will help him sleep, partly because he is self-medicating all the anxiety he refuses to acknowledge exists because again, self-care is not a thing for him a lot of the time. And third, his brain never shuts the fuck up. He doesn't have no thoughts, he has all the thoughts.

He's also ... startled a lot. Which I love so much.

Don't let the lack of glasses fool you, he wears them all the time now. I just didn't start doing it reliably until after he finished Shadowbringers, and I'm avoiding posting Endwalker shots of him at the moment.

Okay, see what I mean? I got started, and I have rambled about this dude AT LENGTH. This isn't even close to as much as I COULD say about him, either! But I will stop here instead of actually talking about his 'lore,' and try to make things more, uh, bite-sized going forward. Thank God I found the 'read more' link option thing, am I rite?

[nomsfaultau]

Long and kinda dumb questions lol, sorry if you already answered them before

What’s the survivability rate if a reader ever got sucked into the Fault Universe? Considering F!Philza had that meta moment of seeing the reader’s eye so he might recognise the reader’s presence(?), along with the void more than ready to devour anything from the real world, etc. How many seconds would a reader survive before dying?

What would happen if you put an Everything Bagel (like in EEAAO) into the void?

depends where you drop. If it’s inside the Foundation, they’d probably do some testing and figure you’re human and were just caught in the effects of an unknown anomaly. That is, sorta assuming you don’t register as an incomprehensible eldritch being akin to a 3D object showing up in Flatland due to being a full person instead of a character. I think potentially you can see the words woven into all characters and objects and setting. But the characters are made to act like people and it’s not like they’d know hey you actually have an independent and vibrant inner world whereas they only exist in their actions, so I figure you’d still register as human. As long as you reveal know knowledge of what’s happening or the story at large, best case scenario they amnestize and catch and release you. Now they will also try to recruit you, since a good chunk of their recruitment is people who witnessed anomalous events. But if you’re adamant but not suspicious you can walk out a very confused but free man. Past that just avoid Indiana/Illinois and you’re golden. A reader could survive Fault an entire lifetime with no/little impact from the plot. Potentially could run into a random anomaly, but like due to it being a story it may be that those don’t exist outside of one’s directly introduced in text. People might not exist unless mentioned, or may only be cardboard cutouts with decreasing resemblance to independent functional humans the further you get from characters that have agency in the plot.

……..at which point it’s a good question to ask things like, do places exist if the POV characters haven’t been to them? Is there a line scratched across the world from their journey, the rest of existence lost in a fog of war style? Or is it only in islands of when a scene occurred? Does the world only render around where a scene is currently happening, vanishing the moment the main characters move on? What happens if the world around you stops existing and you’re left there, the only thing real in a sea of words. Do you starve if left in a void? Or did eating ever serve you to begin with, each bite tasting like ink? Does your body need air? Can you even breathe in a story or is it only sentences and syllables pretending to be air? What is pain if only a description? Perhaps you’re the only one that can even die in a story, the rest never alive to begin with, revived every time someone starts at the first page.

haha anyways Phil would not recognize the reader since you’re not the reader anymore, absorbing his inner thoughts and consuming his story. Also not very very cosmically big anymore, more people sized. I suppose if you explain what’s happening to Phil he’s very offput, but mostly because he wouldn’t believe you. And if he did his existential crisis would be so strong that he turns into a little pile of letters since his body is defined by his internal perception. Oops. Buh bye Philza!

And if you run into the void they just will eat you no matter what. Wilbur won’t be able to stop it or even have time to react. You’re like…a five star Michelin meal after eating pictures of food ones entire life. Just an absolute snacc. So if the world doesn’t exist around the main characters and the moment you’re close the void eats you, you die immediately!

As for the Everything Bagel, the entire universe of the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once would be devoured. Shame. I hear it was a great movie

[sonadowkismesis]

tell me about the gun commander! I need to hear your opinions I am deeply curious

hi! i really apologize for taking this long to respond. truth is, i didn't know where to start. given how bare bones the writing is when it comes to the commander, it's difficult to talk about his character without immediately dipping into speculation territory... and i'd end up asking myself things like "is this an actually widely accepted hc or just something i've thought about?"

so, i'm gonna lay my cards on the table here and say that this will mostly me sharing my thoughts (some more speculative than others) about unexplored aspects of his character, or things i think would have deserved to be expanded upon.

but first off, i'd like to advertise this post (the one that got me thinking about this in the first place!) so you can see where it is i'm coming from, and so i don't have to reiterate the points touched upon there

the first thing i noticed about the commander is how... he feels like a near perfect mirror to shadow, in a way that i don't think many people have noticed.

they're two people who lost the one most dear to them and thus blames the other for this tragedy, determined to take their revenge on those who wronged them. shadow blames gun, humanity -that of which the commander is a part of, meanwhile the commander casts gerald and the black arms, and therefore shadow, as guilty. while the commander has sat with his anger and sorrow for decades, shadow still holds the memory of the massacre fresh in his mind.

do you ever think about the fact that they might be the only people still alive who knew maria? the commander literally says he saw maria as an older sister figure. not friend, a sister. when you take into account that shth is the same game where shadow and maria are first referred to as siblings, it's hard not to see this detail as... deliberate.

it's almost like sonic team looked at shadow's grief and revenge arc from sa2, and thought "what if we did that again, but from the other side of the equation this time?". i'm not crazy it's right there dude. it's compelling as fuck and probably why i'll never think of the commander as the flopburger character others see him as.

something people might bring up as a plothole is the fact we never see the young commander on the ark before shth. if he and maria were this close as kids, how come we never see them together in sa2?

the commander is an obvious retcon (and not the only one in this game tbf), but that elephant aside, the shadow and maria scenes from sa2 are short and few enough that i don't think it's asking too much from our suspension of disbelief to imagine that young commander just. happened to be away during the duration of these scenes. in fact, i can think of at least a few good reasons for why it makes sense for him to not be around them at this time.

given his status as a top secret project, it's reasonable to think shadow would have had limited contact with anyone on the ark who wasn't a scientist. maria being an exception speaks for itself as she is gerald's granddaughter, and to some extent the person shadow was "made for".

but above all, i think when taking into account young commander's apparent terror from seeing shadow... i could easily see him try to avoid the hedgehog as much as he could. not yet out of hatred (the way i see it, his grudge against shadow and gerald would only grow after the ark raid happens) but more out of suspicion, distrust, and especially fear. he's so offput by the fact maria keeps hanging out with this guy, that he declines any of her suggestions to spend time with them.

sidenote: although it seems silly to us, i like to think most children would be scared of shadow, and the commander was no exception (especially considering black doom was like, right there which probably made the scene feel a lot more sinister). maria would then be a rare exception, as her bouts of compassion/sympathy towards the experiments on the ark seem to suggest. i could see her as the type of person to catch a bug and show it off to you for a bit, going on about how cute it looks... if she's a creature enthusiast, it would make sense why she clicked with shadow so well, in contrast to the commander.

i could imagine that in the event where shadow and young commander would have to pass eachother down the halls, yc would immediately try his best to put distance between him and the (dreadful) creature. switching lanes, changing directions, walking very close to the wall, you name it. (in my mind, shadow doesn't pay much mind to yc, but the fact that this kid seems to be that terrified of him is somewhat amusing)

anyways, it's that tendency to keep shadow at arm's length that leaves me thinking that his confrontation with shadow 50 years later could very well have been his first time... actually talking to the guy. because he never actually got to know shadow personally, his entire perception of him was built on unchecked biases given space to fester for decades on end. in these conditions, is it surprising that the commander ended up holding that grudge against shadow for all these years? how easy it is to project all the evil in the world onto someone you know next to nothing about?

the semi-hero story is the only path where the commander actually gets to talk to shadow face to face and... the shadow he meets feels lightyears away from the monster he had made him out to be, from his quiet and measured demeanor, to the graceful acceptance of his sins. and worse, shadow doesn't even remember the massacre the commander had been so eager to blame him for.

it's a brutal clash between reality and the fragile narrative he's constructed, one that literally leaves the commander to collapse on his knees. in that moment, it doesn't matter if shadow truly is responsible or not when the commander's biases and resolve have been shaken regardless. how could the hedgehog who spoke with so much truth and integrity be the evil demon he's been chasing after for so long? it just doesn't make sense.

i think for the most part, the commander's change of heart about shadow as it is depicted throughout the game does the job, and that string of dialogue where he invites shadow over to make amends is really sweet (although you can only hear it when playing the expert mode).

the commander hasn't been utilized again as a character after shth aside from a few scenes in chronicles, which is kind of a shame... because if there's one thing that i think should have been explored further, it's the commander's involvement with GUN. while we get a somewhat substantial exploration of his perception of shadow and its evolution, the same can't be said for the other side of the coin.

think about it, do we ever actually see him reflect on the fact that GUN was the one responsible for the ark raid all along? how does he feel about working for the organization who literally killed his family? does he even know about it for that matter??

personally, i often feel like a lot of the complaints about this plot point are done somewhat in bad faith? i've always held the opinion that young commander likely didn't know better or was misled on GUN's involvement on the ark, deliberately or not. i don't know about you, but to me, an 8yo child trusting a human-led organization who we know to lie to the general public in order to cover their tracks, over a scientist whom he personally saw create an all powerful creature with the help of an even more terrific alien demon kind of... speaks for itself. listen, my point is, it's not that hard to think of a reason why the commander would have this perspective on the events that transpired, especially given he was a small child when they happened.

but.

even putting sonic fans' obtuseness aside, the fact that none of this is touched upon in the actual game is such an oversight... like, it's a setup that never sees a pay-off or is ever called into question, and i understand shth is about shadow's character first and foremost, but jeez if you're gonna create a brand new character from scratch with their own backstory and motivations maybe don't leave a huge blank space right in the middle of it? it's sad because by diving into the circumstances of his enrolment at GUN, they could have covered some interesting themes like that of military indoctrination. and it would have added another layer of parallels between him and shadow, who is also deceived throughout the game and struggling to find the truth...

i think i've exhausted all the points i've wanted to make, so here are some dumb hcs i came up with that i didn't know where to mention

- since the commander was a child on the ark like maria, he might not have seen a lot of the earth so it's totally possible that shadow is the first mobian he ever saw, which would add to the spook factor

- the commander's parents were scientists who brought him along on the ark when he was little more than a toddler (i'm thinking around 4yo?). they were killed by GUN as part of the initiative to stop project shadow (afterwards the young commander would be told it was because of a freak accident involving gerald's roaming experiments, something he would believe for most of his life)

- after the ark raid, the young commander would be sent to live with distant relatives back on earth, all while being closely monitored by the organization (as they must have done with the other rescapees)

- the grandchild he mentions in expert mode is a little girl named alice, aka alicia. she was born on 30th october 2005, a few weeks before the game takes place (her parents were trying for an halloween baby and missed the mark by a day) (i may have kind of designed a whole family for the commander? if anyone's interested, maybe i'll post them eventually)

- the commander was granted access to a secret safe after rising through GUN's ranks. it has a ton of memorabilia that was locked in there after the ark shut down, away from prying eyes. as part of his effort to make peace with shadow, he invites him to go through it so he could recover some of his memories. among the countless toys and photos of maria he thought he'd never see again, there is no mention or pictures of project shadow at all, which was likely destroyed forever.

[darchildre]

Came home from work and finished reading At the Mountains of Madness - here are my wrap-up final thoughts.

Thing One. I read the last 30 pages or so aloud to myself - it was great. Truly, my favorite way to experience Lovecraft is by reading aloud. I highly recommend it, especially if it's one of the ones were someone screams or dissolves into incoherent nonsense at the end. (I mean, make sure you're alone or warn the people you live with before you do that, obviously.)

Thing Two. I would like to apologize - I have been misquoting Lovecraft's adjectives about penguins from this story for years. The penguins are not 'sinister'. They are 'grotesque', and the 6-foot blind albino ones are 'monstrous'. No malice is ascribed to the penguins.

Thing Three. I mentioned Wilmarth getting namechecked in an earlier post. It's not just the once - he is all over this story, which is fascinating because I'm pretty sure this is the only example of a Lovecraft character continuing to show up in a major way after the story they star in. I desperately want to know what Wilmarth has told his colleagues about his experience in Whisperer. I also want to know if Dyer found him vaguely creepy and "unpleasantly erudite" before those events, or if it's a more recent development. Did he only get weird after meeting the Mi-go, or has he always been offputting? What is the faculty breakroom discussion at Miskatonic like? How many of the faculty have read the Necronomicon? Because it seems like it's a lot of them - hell, even the grad students get to read it.

Thing Four. God, I feel so bad for the Old Ones the Miskatonic expedition dug up. Fortunately, Dyer has also developed a lot of sympathy for the Old Ones by the end of the book, even if he does express it really weirdly:

...what indeed had they done? That awful awakening in the cold of an unknown epoch—perhaps an attack by the furry, frantically barking quadrupeds, and a dazed defence against them and the equally frantic white simians with the queer wrappings and paraphernalia . . . poor Lake, poor Gedney . . . and poor Old Ones! Scientists to the last—what had they done that we would not have done in their place? God, what intelligence and persistence! What a facing of the incredible, just as those carven kinsmen and forbears had faced things only a little less incredible! Radiates, vegetables, monstrosities, star-spawn—whatever they had been, they were men!

And then they return to their city to find it broken and frozen over, all their people killed or fled, and monsters dwell in their sacred places, carving mocking words on their walls.

Seriously, this is like Gimli in Moria only multiplied by about a hundred. If Gimli was a barrel-cactus-starfish creature with wings who had been asleep for millions of years.

Thing Five. Except that this is also a robot uprising story (kinda) so you have to feel a little bad for the shoggoths too.

Like, yes, shoggoths are terrifying protoplasmic subway trains* that suck the heads off their enemies, but they are also sapient beings that were designed and created to be slaves. That sucks, and you have to root at least a little for the robots in any robot uprising story.

I'm not saying the Old Ones all deserve to have their heads sucked off by horrible jelly creatures, but I am saying that the horrible jelly creatures have a reasonable point.

(I am currently hoping that the shoggoths that work with the Deep Ones are doing so consensually.)

Thing Six. Oh my god, this is such a better response to Arthur Gordon Pym than Sphinx of the Ice Realm! Lovecraft manages to echo and rhyme with Poe's imagery and ideas - Antarctica, huge white birds, strange ominous vapors, ancient carvings that contain secret languages, final mind-altering visions, "Tekeli-li" - while telling a story that is wholly its own and is neither overshadowed by Pym or carelessly refuting Pym.

Good job, Howard.

Thing Seven. It is hilarious that Dyer spends this whole book going, "Look, I get it, it sounds fascinating but you can't go there and you can't try to do more research on the Old Ones - it's too dangerous, you'll go crazy and get your head sucked off by a shoggoth. Absolutely no expeditions to Antarctica." And then quietly at one point turns around and says, "But I will shortly be publishing a monograph on the customs and institutions of the Old Ones that I learned about through their extensive carved murals which only I and my grad student have seen."

A) Tease. I want to read your monograph. B) Just, "You can't go there, but I already did, and I'm going to write a paper." Hilarious. I love every academic from Miskatonic.

In conclusion! I had never actually read this one all the way to the end before - it's pretty great. A bit of a slow start and a tad too much geological terminology, but the tragedy at Lake's camp is a great horror-mystery set-piece, and the journey through the Old One's city is generally really fun. A very fun time - highly recommended.

*I love the subway train imagery so much, you guys.

[dalekofchaos]

Why 2024 was the year I stopped being a fan of Taylor Swift

I was a fan of Taylor Swift from 2015-2024.

Fell in love with her music and was captivated by who I thought she was as a person.

In 2023-2024 it feels like the person who I thought I loved isn't the person who I thought she was.

The Olivia Rodrigo credits claim is when things started to go bad in my eyes, but I still persisted.

Midnights, the vibes were off, but I still liked the music

I feel like the Eras Tour, 2024 Grammys and TTPD showed us who she really was.

Taylor's lack of self-awareness or care for the fan who died in Brazil and only speaking up when it was too late was so tone deaf.

Taylor's behavior at the Grammy's to me showed who she really was. Loud, ignorant and vain. Dragging Lana to the stage against her will, not acknowledging Celine and announcing her next album.

Propping up Sabrina to compete with Olivia, only for Sabrina to get bigger than Taylor wanted

Re-realeses variants's to block other artists off the charts(Billie, Chappell, Charli, Olivia, Halsey and Sabrina)

I put off listening to TTPD for an entire year because I just didn't have the time to listen to a 31 song album and as someone who struggles with mental health, the whole imagery of a mental institution being used for an aesthetic was just so offputting and I felt repulsed.

This post also says it better

Also the 1830 line. How tone deaf are you? Taylor, in the 1830s, you would have BEEN one of the racists. Aside from the obvious cringe… like, what the hell was going on in the 1830s that would be so appealing in the first place? Who the hell is nostalgic for the Andrew Jackson administration and the Panic of 1837? It feels so random. Even if this is just vacuous nostalgia for the aesthetics of the past, the 1830s were such a bad decade for fashion. Who's nostalgic for leg-of-mutton sleeves?

She stopped speaking up for the LGBTQA+ community in 2021. She had all Pride month to speak up and could've used the Eras tour to speak up for us, especially in states that were heavily anti-trans and anti drag queen. But she didn't. Instead she propped up her precious racist Matty fucking Healy. She can have Trans performers in her music video and drag queens, but she can't speak up for them? One token speech about pride month, but nothing to speak up for the plight of Trans people.

Taylor the climate criminal. Do I need to say more? I mean how vapid, vain and shallow do you have to be. Do you really need to fly those jets ALL THE TIME?

Taylor has cultivated a toxic parasocial relationship with her fans. From attacking her exes and critics to just bafflingly unhealthly attachment to her. Letting them think they have a chance to be brought in and meet her, putting out terrible merch she knows they'll pay money on and honestly? This relationship she has with her fans is on par with how Onision had with his fans. What Andrew Tate has with his incels I mean fans.

Taylor the Billionaire. No one person should have this amount of money and it needs to be talked about more and honestly Taylor in 2024 is starting to feel like the female Elon Musk.

Taylor's selective activism. This to me is the biggest issue. Not one word of support for Palestine. Not even wearing a Artists for Palestine pin. She went out of her way in speaking out against Trump and Blackburn, but she can't tweet or speak out ONE ounce of support for Palestine.

Instead of using her platform for good, like she promised, she entered her Football girlie for one of the most racist cultural appropriating football teams since the Washington Redskins during her Bread & Circus era.

Questionable associations. David O'Russell. You can't tell me with a straight face that Taylor's team do not run background checks. Either they didn't do said checks or they did and Taylor did not care and would tarnish her image to work with a predator just for an Oscar. The Matty Healy fling. A brief fling and it was brief because everyone showed their complete disgust and contempt for it. Brittany and Jackson Mahomes friendship. Jackson is on video assaulting a woman. Taylor is a SA survivor. Brittany told the victim to "get over it" Taylor is shown high fiving Jackson, Taylor is shown for months with Brittany despite being a SA apologist and even having dinner with Brittany after the charges are dropped. Revolting. Taylor doesn't care about SA unless it's about her or how it can benefit her.

MAGA Barbie era

Associating with Brittany Mahomes(after Trump PERSONALLY thanked her) Dave Portnoy, a man accused of SA and a avid Trump supporter and the right-wing Hunt family.

She "endorsed" Kamala Harris, but nothing after that. And after Chappell said this "If someone is publicly endorsing a political figure, that doesn't even mean that they're gonna fucking vote for them." I'm starting to think that Taylor voted for Trump. With all the MAGA crowd she hangs out with nowadays, makes you wonder if they talked her into it. You don't hang around a cult for so long without being sucked into them. And her silence since Trump's victory really doesn't fucking help things. Also, the way that Trump's tax cuts for the rich are gonna benefit Billionaires, you can't tell me with a straight face that she won't benefit from this. I mean, Taylor Swift is STILL hanging out with Brittany despite Trump's victory. She is a well known friend to MAGA and conservation therapy believing Hunt family. You cannot in good faith try to tell me she is not one of them now.

Travis. Travis has a problematic past. From racist,misogynistic and islamophobic tweets to cheating. The only reason why Taylor would tolerate his past is because they are both using their new found fame as the new "it couple" Taylor broadens herself to a new audience even garners a more conservative fanbase, while Travis expands his audience for his post football plans. He loves the spotlight as much as she does and doesn’t care if the relationship exploited, he’ll do whatever she asks of him or whatever she wants and that’s important to her/her brand - pap walks every day, jump on stage and be part of the act. The connections and fame she’s brought him were everything he wanted but failed to reach on his own by that point, she delivered quickly and he’s seen near immediate returns.

Travis is a famewhore and knew the circus he’d sign up for with Taylor, and probably figured the business opportunities that would come with “dating” her would pay off. He def loves the photographers and flashing lights as much as she does.

This is a business relationship. He gets entertainment opportunities in Hollywood, she gets exposure to a new audience, gets to flaunt and rub this in Joe and Ratty’s faces, and gets to live the facade of dating “the boy on the football team.” And the NFL gets to up marketing and ad dollars, and reach a new football demographic: young girls and women. The 2024 SuperBowl was the most-watched in history.

Like this woman is 35 and is still acting like a high school bully. She is proud of having a boyfriend from football team which is fulfilling her dreams from high school. She loves the attention, loves to play a cheerleader role as a gf. She got a platform like Times magazine’s person of the year where she could talk about serious issues in the world but she'd rather talk about how independent she feels being in a public relationship like this.

Continued silence on important issues when she said she would use her platform and voice. BLM? Nothing. Abortion/women's rights? Nothing. LGBTQA+ rights? Nothing. Palestine, absolutely nothing not even the bare minimum. The closest she'll get to using her platform is telling her fans to vote. Nothing but the bare minimum white feminist centrist rhetoric. But even THAT was too much to hope for during this election.

And before anyone comes at me and says "Taylor is not an activist" yes, but she specifically made Miss Americana to tell her fans she would use her platform and voice to speak out more on important issues. She has done nothing. At this point I wish Miss Americana was never made, and I'm pretty sure Taylor wishes she never made it as many of her fans are disappointed in her silence throughout the years.

At best, Taylor is a coward. At worse, Taylor doesn't care beyond the glass house she has built her career on.

At this point all it feels like is she cares about the fame of her success and from her relationship with Travis and the profit of her brand and nothing else. Nothing about her is authentic, everything is performative. It's all about control and profit to Taylor Swift.

And, from this subreddit, I've seen that everything Taylor's said about her beginnings was a lie, all the controversies and lies throughout the years and the shameful Kennedy fling just makes me see the person I was suckered into believing never existed. She's just Regina George of the music industry. Someone who tries to present themselves as good, relatable with humble beginnings, when in reality she's a bully billionaire who grew up in a mansion.

'You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me' you lived in a mansion and had a career handed to you on a silver platter. Sit your ass down.

Speaking about her upbringing, I found this

These two articles sums up my growing issues with Taylor more than I ever could

article 1

article 2

This post says better than I ever could why Taylor's "female rage" is just badly worded

It feels as though she's ostracized everyone in her audience who isn't white or heterosexual and made it clear we need to find a new guiding light and I think we should.

And in her own words she is telling us who she is

“i just think it’s so frilly and spineless of me to stand up here and say ‘happy pride month!!’ while people are coming for their necks.”

"My entire moral code is a need to be thought of as good"

" Spineless in my tomb of silence "

'I never had the courage of my convictions, as long as danger was near.'

"I've never heard silence quite this loud"" You should find another guiding light "

"You're on your own kid"

"Do something, babe, say something" (Say something)

"Lose something, babe, risk something" (You're losing me)

"Choose something, babe, I got nothing" (I got nothing)

I'm glad the veil has been lifted and I have better people like Billie, Olivia, Halsey, Miley and Chappell to admire, who are genuine people and never felt the need to fabricate their life to make a career.

[elegyofthemoon]

I WILL THROW U THE LANDAU SIBS FOR BINGO :DD

WE LOVE LANDAU SIBLINGSSSSS I'll be shorter with the blurb here because three characters but :> thanks nick <3

blank character bingo

I LOVE SERVALLLL SO MUCH okay so you know Huosen. When I got to Serval's companion quest??? I FELT LIKE I WAS JUST SITTING HERE WATCHING HUOSEN'S WHOLE CHARACTER STORY IT WAS ASLKDJFASLKJHLK

So when I say that I relate very deeply with Serval, I really mean that I do. Like I love Servalia, and tbh I would also kiss Serval if given the chance, but also. She's too much like me sometimes that I'm like :I that's weird

I think it hits even more now because she also got Booted out of the research team because she would have stopped the Stellaron with her research. She wanted to help people and I just KNOW she could, but she got booted by her Best Friend (girlfriend/wife) of all people to do it. The person who was your right hand, and the person whom you've blurred yourself into. That kind of betrayal Hurts like hell.

But honestly, good for her for creating the workshop, and eventually finding her own place again in Belobog when every bit of that tiny city reeked of Cocolia. And even making Mechanical Fever? I admire her so much. She's so strong and I love her so much. My love <3

GEPAAAARD LANDAUUUUUUUUUUU I feel bad for this guy because I took one look at him and then I blasted him with my Gender Beam.

In which I project like hell on Gepard. Familial duties, insecurity/anxiety? You name it he's got it LOL

Admittedly when I first met Gepard, I DIDN'T LIKE HIM (it was about the part where we had to fight him to stop the Stellaron), but once I did Serval's companion quest, I actually started to like Gepard way more lmao He's a caring brother all things aside. He's just. Very Duty Bound. And I get it for his character (esp when you think, oh wait this is also because of the Landau name and how the name seems almost tainted by the way their FATHER IS I HATE THEIR FATHER MR LANDAU SQUARE UP 👊🏼💥👊🏼💥👊🏼💥👊🏼💥)

When it comes to Gepard, I always think about how he reflects on the day he got awarded as Captain and thinking of all the sacrifices he had to deal with to get to where he is. How offputting it felt to be awarded when so many lives got sacrificed to get here. And how he's actually had to face ghosts within the Fragmentum of former comrades in arms.

The Angst Potential Is There. I like eating it a lot. But if I think too hard about it then I just curl up on the floor like GEPAAAARD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (mauls him even more)

...Okay so. I feel really bad....but I genuinely have no thoughts on Lynx. Like I like her! And I think in my head, when you compare to Gepard and Serval to Lynx, I feel that Lynx kinda gets the "youngest sibling treatment" within the Landaus and just gets away with doing stuff.

I think she's funny and I also think her design's ADORABLE. But that's as far as I think of her. Just as the youngest sibling of the Landaus.

I thought maybe I'd have more thoughts on her, but her companion quest got overshadowed by Pela (WHICH ISNT A BAD THING BTW I did want to get to know Pela more since I felt like I knew nothing of her), but I will say that I did kinda like how Pela's story in turn pushed Lynx to kinda accept how much Gepard and Serval love and care for her. Like yes, they can definitely stop babying her about adventuring out to dangerous areas, but Lynx learns that they both do that because the two love and care a lot for her (and maybe that's just like the counter of the upbringing of the Landaus huh? I feel that the father seems so cold only caring about the prestige of the Landau name, and in retaliation the siblings seem to create their own love for each other. And I think that's nice haha I've said this before, but when I see the Landaus, I see a lot of me and my sisters, and this is also one of those little things that reminds me of my sisters. eheh)