#but the point is that its entirely a me problem and i cant shit on writers for not writing fic that caters to me

[ganondoodle]

i have seen people talk about how hard it is to draw anything if you have aphantasia (which is good to talk about and true and valid and also intersting to read and this post isnt to devalue that, two things can coexist etc etc)

i personally struggle with the opposite; i have incredible imagination, i'd say it's my best and only "inate talent", (this is not a brag ..) all stories i think about are movies, i can stop them, change camera angle and poses, rotate ever object however i want, place lighting sound and voices, even styles, i switch from ghibli to botw to fortiches style, even into the style of a comic i recently read which wasnt even animated, the only thing that only works half the time is music-

and that all might sound fantastic, but its a mess, it goes too fast and too quickly, things never play out one way, theres interruption, involuntarily sudden changes to other subjects, i feel like struggling to keep an angry horse on one path, it makes me waste HOURS each day just reversing and redoing a scene like im a movie director wizard in my head, theres no ONE finished version, it changes everytime yet i go back over and over again to make it better, i forget most of it within a few hours anyway; even IRL when someone tells me about a memory and they are not sure if i was with them during it once they start to explain trying to make me remember it instead i will imagine it, in the end i wont be sure if i actually remembered or if i just imagined it too real, it scares me how much i forget and cant remember only for my mind to make shit up, makign me doubt my own memory (its weird how it works, i have horrible geographical memory, when i drive somwhere i have known my entire life i need to remember the path to it by imagining driving it, i remember significant things but not the path to them or how they connect or in what order, i have to go through it in my head every single time)

by far the worst part though is that extreme disconnect between whats in my mind and what i can do, just because i can imagine things like that doesnt mean i can draw it (god i WISH), nothing i have ever drawn is how it was in my head, the few things you get to see are the ones i won the fight against myself with to keep going and say 'good enough' at some point the speed is a problem too, the things playing in my head, sometimes even multiple at the same time, play like, again, a movie, whatever im trying to draw is rarely ONE thing, its a whole scene that plays over and over, i want to draw it all but it wont work bc my mind is too fast and i am too slow, it makes me try to skip ahead and get things done as fast as possible, it NEVER works (also too much, theres so many things in my head, i have almost the entirety of the totk rewrite in my head already, novels worth of lore and story for my other projects, its overwhelming how much is in there that i cannot get out and on paper)

its why comics take me so long to make, why detailed paintings are so rare, its the rare times i can force myself to try and tune out my mind and just work on what is in front of me, usually works for a few hours .. if i can manage to reach that sort of focus at all, its why basic sketches of characters are so much easier to do bc i dont have to fight as hard to just draw a character doing nothing- as soon as i want to make it a sketch page of things and scenes the movies are back and are there to haunt me until i cry and give up after hours of trying to keep up with my mind that i will never be able to catch up to (and this is only about drawing .. )

i know skill and speed increase over time, but i wont ever get to where my mind is, its always ahead and trying to skip and jump towards it only makes me stumble and fall flat on my face- maybe its ADHD, maybe its the autism, maybe its the depression, maybe its just me, maybe its just all of that

what im trying to say is, head full, too much thought, too fast, never able to translate it into viewable things in the way and speed as my head works, i explode

[electoons]

my psychiatrist was trying to explain that a lot of my depression and anxiety probably stems from my trying to force myself into a (neurotypical/allistic) mold that i wasn't made for and that it's nothing to be ashamed of and she listed elon musk and bill gates as my fellow autists and that made me cry harder

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[dylawas-reblogs]

Genuine question @ me: why can't you get it together (rant in tags)

[akascow]

the more posts i see about tua4 the more im convinced none of the writers went back and watched the previous seasons because literally so much is wrong dude HAHA

annoying words under the break and spoilers !!

for starters since when has allison ever helped klaus in the previous seasons🧍🏻‍♀️ it was always diego man. im glad he got to be the fun but very cautious uncle for claire but allison rarely helped klaus with anything except in s2 where they just got drunk together on the kitchen floor HAHA

also lila 'i dont like bracelets' pitts who was already shown making bracelets in 2 (with diego), losing her bracelet at the end of 2, then diego giving it back to her in 3 (and she wore that shit !!) all for it to be thrown away for whatever the fuck happened in the strawberry timeline lol

this ones a throwaway rant but 1) why did none of the fives in that diner experience paradox psychosis and 2) whyd they all look the same lol u cant tell me every five chose to wear the same exact suit with the same haircut (and the same age appearance wise!!)

someone already said this one so dont credit me but five wouldve 1000000% recognized his apocalypse that second he stepped outta that train (by the smell) and would not need to look around for 10 seconds at the debris he spent like 40 years in to clock it as ".....i know this place,, its my apocalypse" lmfao yeah man

not gonna get into this one but raymond "id rather spend a day with you than a year without you" chestnut would never fuckin walk out on allison and claire lol WHAT

anotha one that ppl have already mentioned but ben wouldve told klaus what happened to him when he died right? like he stuck around for 15 years because he wasnt ready to leave his siblings he for sure woulda mentioned it at some point right 🧍🏻‍♀️

and biggest of all (for me bc its been bugging me) but if lila had to be there in the end "otherwise itd just reset again" then why the hell didnt the other oct 1st people need to be there too are we just supposed to forget about them (RAHHH) if the reasoning is that they shouldve never existed (awful reasoning btw) then why do the others get a free pass HUH?? unless theyre like "well the cleanse took over the entire world so they got slorped up too" or "the others died a while ago these 8 are the last marigold kids" which is a stupid cop out and i will not accept it lmao.

also they never went anywhere with reggies alien self HAHA not a problem w me bc i do not care about him at all but like,, why was he an alien (i cant remember if they explained it in the comics but) HAHA whatever man

[ourtearsofrain]

Feel Good (D.R.W)

Summary: You help your boyfriend release some energy after a long day.

Pairings: Danny Wagner x reader

Genre: Angst, Smut, Fluff

Word Count:  3.2k

Warnings: cussing, smut (18+ minors DNI), oral (M receiving), M!sub 

A/N: Could not get the image of Danny looking like this as you suck him off out of my head so I had to write something. Also, please read the smut psa section in my masterlist post!

As your boyfriend smashed out his last drum solo of the night on the stage far in front of you, signaling the end of Highway Tune, lights began flashing as his brothers added to the cacophony of sound by playing random notes on their bass and guitar, the crowd erupting into a roar of cheers. With one final “Thank you everyone, and goodnight!” from Josh, the lights cut from a fiery red to a deep blue, and the four men waved their goodbyes as they set their instruments down and walked off stage. As soon as the stage was clear, the arena’s overhead lights came flickering back on, basking the crowd in bright white light as people shuffled their way towards the exits. You held back, figuring you were in no rush and the security would give you less trouble as you made your way backstage after the swarms of dedicated fans asking for copies of the set list had died down.

After 10 minutes, you figured enough people had left and began your decent to the floor, beginning to regret your decision to sit in the nosebleeds directly across from the stage as you attempted to step around the pools of spilled beer splashed across the stairs. Danny had offered you a spot at barricade, front and center directly in front of him, or off to the side of the stage in the wing, but you had declined both offers. You didn’t want to spend not only the entire opening act as well as the show, but also an hour before the show started, cramped in between screaming fans that had camped out the night before to get those spots, or chance being in people’s videos and pictures as you watched from the wing.

You made your way across the arena floor towards the barricade and show your backstage pass to a security guard standing by the gate; he takes it and lets you pass after thoroughly examining it for longer than you thought necessary. You make your way through the twists and turns of the corridors, attempting to remember where the dressing rooms were, eventually giving up and asking a stagehand to point you in the right direction. After thanking her profusely, you make your way towards where you hoped she had said they were.

Too lost in thought attempting to remember the exact instructions given to you, you suddenly run head first into Sam as he exits his dressing room in a hurry. “Shit, I am so sorry.” He starts, not realizing who he ran into. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Wow don’t sound excited or anything, good to see you too Sammy. Great show tonight.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to sound disappointed that its you or anything.” Pressing his fingertips into his forehead firmly, he squeezes his eyes shut and sighs. Opening them again he continues, “And thanks, although your boyfriend seems to think otherwise. He’s being a real piece of work right now so just tread lightly. You looking for him?”

“Yeah, I am actually. Could you point me in the right direction? I cant seem to find my way around this place at all tonight. And wait, what do you mean? What’s wrong with Danny?”

“I think he tried a new brand of drumsticks for tonight’s show and they kept breaking, something about them being ‘Cheap pieces of shit’. I don’t know, he was pretty fed up after his third pair snapped at the very end of Highway Tune.” He begins walking away from you backwards, towards where you thought the performer’s entrance must be. “Anyways, I’m too tired right now to try and talk to him more so, and I mean this with all the love in my heart, he’s your problem now. His dressing room is 2 doors back, good luck.”

You throw a weak smile in his direction as he continues backpedaling. “Thanks Sammy, goodnight.”

“Night kid.” And with that, he turns around and disappears down the corridor.

Walking over to the door Sam had said belonged to Danny, you take a deep breath, attempting to release all the tension from your body before bringing your fist up to the wood and knocking three times. “Who is it?” You hear your boyfriend’s voice snap, although muffled by the barrier between the two of you you noticed he sounded strained and angry.

“Just me love, can I come in?” You ask softly, hoping your calm responses and tone will help deescalate your boyfriend’s mood, or at least not further frustrate him.

“It’s unlocked.” He replies, and you try the handle, slowly opening the door to find Danny standing in front of the dressing room’s vanity, still shirtless after the show and bent at the waist to look in the mirror, aggressively scrubbing at his eyes with a makeup wipe.

“Hey hey hey love slow down, you’re going to rub your skin raw.” You say as you close the door behind yourself and briskly make your way over to him, grabbing his hand to stop his attack at the smudged makeup surrounding his eyes. “Let me help you, sit down please.” As he follows your instructions, taking a seat in a chair closest to the vanity, you grab a new wipe, leaning down and cupping the side of his face with one hand as you begin to gently take his ruined eyeshadow off.

Closing both of his eyes, he lets out a long sigh, and you can see his body relax under your touch. After a few quiet minutes, he says, “Thank you.”, voice barely above a whisper.

“Of course, love." You discard the used wipe and grab a new one to begin on the other eye. "I ran into Sam in the hall, he told me about the drumsticks. I’m sorry they were frustrating tonight, is there anything else bothering you, or was it just that?”

He takes a sharp breath in, irritation painting his features as he recalls the events of that day. “It was that and its just been a long day. The twins have been bickering all day over the smallest things, and I think Sam has been instigating for entertainment. Either that, or he can’t read a fucking room. I’m running on like 5 hours of interrupted sleep, so I guess I have been more easily agitated. Like I said, it’s just been a long, frustrating day.” He opens his eyes after you finish wiping the last of his makeup off, tossing the stained wipe into a nearby trash can and taking a seat in his lap, straddling him. You place your hands on his shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze as he brings his hands up to your hips. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to complain about everything today. Really, I’m alright now.”

“It’s alright, I don’t mind listening, and I appreciate you telling me what’s bothering you. Is there anything I can do to help?”

He sighs, letting his forehead fall forward to your shoulder. “No, I don’t think so. Venting helped, like I said I’m alright now. Just want to get back to the hotel and take a hot shower.”

You move one hand to the back of his head, and begin lightly smoothing your hand over his hair, playing with some of his curls. “Alright, then let’s get your things and head back to the hotel. You can take a nice hot shower, and then we can curl up together and pass out. How does that sound love?”

“M’not tired.” He mumbles into your shoulder. Pulling away, he looks at you with a slightly defeated expression. “You’d think I would be after getting shitty sleep and having a long day but, as much as I want to, I don’t know if I would be able to sleep any time soon. I don’t know, I feel like I still have so much pent-up energy left over, I need to do something to get it out.”

As you look down at your boyfriend beneath you, you remember how you felt tonight whenever the screens on either side of the stage showed him; how the light caught his sweat-soaked skin, how his arms looked as he played, how his tongue poked out from behind his teeth whenever he was caught up in the music, and how he threw his head back, mouth open as if an unheard moan was escaping him, as he pounded out the finale. A mischievous smile crosses your face as you bring your hand at the back of his head back down to his shoulder and continuing its decent, joined by your other hand as you slowly run them down his pecs and out to his sides. They come to a stop on his hips, just above his belt. You lean forward until your lips are centimeters away from his. “I think I know how we can fix that.” you whisper, lips brushing his.

“Oh? And what-“ he starts, before you cut him off with a searing kiss. As the kiss becomes more desperate, his hands grip your hips and you grind your hips down onto him, causing his mouth to fall open slightly as he lets out a quiet moan. You draw back, letting your eyes roam over him, from his flushed cheeks and blown out pupils, down his chest, and eventually landing on the area of his metallic pants just below his belt buckle that's becoming more and more strained by the second. You bring your gaze back up to meet his, as he looks at you with a needy want painted across his face.

He clears his throat, attempting to clear his head as well. “How about we… uh how about we head back to the hotel now and… and continue this there?” he breathily stutters out.

You lean forward once more, catching his lips with your own quickly. Keeping your face mere inches from his own, you reply, “Sounds like a plan.”, voice laced with desire. You stand up and begin collecting his belongings scattered around the room, finding a sweater and tossing it towards him, still seated in the chair. “Well?” you ask expectantly, “Are we leaving or not?”

He zones back in, having been lost in his thoughts of what you could possibly have in store for him, and frantically pulls the sweater on, getting up from the chair and making his way to the door with you by his side. “You sure you don’t want to change into sweats or something?” you question, letting out a small laugh of amusement from how eager he was to leave the arena.

“Nope, I’m alright.” He insists, despite his failed attempt at discreetly loosening his pants by pulling down on the fabric at his crotch.

“Alright,” you shrug, “Your choice.” He holds the door open for you and as you pass him you lean in, whispering, “Doesn’t matter much anyways; they��ll be coming off sooner or later.”, continuing out the door and towards the hallway you had seen Sam go down earlier.

“You coming love?” Looking back you see Danny still standing in the doorway, face flushed and lips slightly parted. He snaps his attention back to you and nearly slams the door, quickly making his way to your side, slotting his hand into yours as you exit the arena.

-

The second the door to your room closed and both of your shoes are kicked to the side, your hands are planted firmly on his chest, shoving him against the nearest wall. He lets out a surprised gasp before you connect your lips with his, one of his hands coming up to tangle in your hair and the other on your lower back, pressing you flush against his front. You playfully bite down on his lower lip and feel his hardening dick twitch as he lets out a groan. Your hands roam downwards to the hem of his sweater, and your lips leave his long enough for you to pull it off his arms and over his head. He replaces his hands on you as you begin nipping at the sensitive skin on his neck, eliciting a soft sigh as Danny leans his head back until it hits the wall behind him.

You start to trail your lips down his neck, over his collarbone, between his pecs, and down the center of his abdomen, stopping yourself on your knees at the base of his happy trail, just above where he needs you most. With his chest already rising and falling rapidly with shallow anticipatory breaths, you slowly run your hand from where it rested just above his knee upwards along the top of his thigh. It comes to a stop on his dick, and you run your hand back and forth over it, squeezing gently. His moan is followed by a breathy “Please...”. You stand and bring your lips to the shell of his ear, relishing in his small shiver from your breath on his skin.

“Please what?”

“You…” he pants, “You know what. Stop teasing.” You turn away from him, beginning to walk across the room, leaving him whining at the loss of contact. He grabs your wrist, stopping you about a foot away from the bottom of the bed. “No, wait!” he sighs. “Please… please make me feel good, love.”

You turn, giving him a wolfish grin. “Now, was that so hard?” Pulling him towards you, you turn the two of you and lightly push him towards the bed, causing the back of his knees to hit the base of it. You move your hand to his cheek, holding the sharp edge of his jaw and bring his face towards yours, keeping your eyes locked on his blown-out pupils. “Don’t worry baby, I’m going to make you feel so good.” you whisper before shoving him backwards onto the bed.

He lands on his back and slowly moves up until his head is resting against the headboard as he’s propped up on his elbows, one leg bent at the knee. You gradually make your way up the bed on your hands and knees, coming to a stop between his legs as you begin another attack on his lower abdomen, lightly sinking your teeth into the soft flesh there before soothing the sting with soft kisses. His fists grip the sheets as you pull your mouth away and leisurely undo his belt buckle, undoing the button of his pants and drawing the zipper down. You maintain eye contact with him as your hands find his waistband and hook your fingers under the hem of both his boxers and pants, taking your time pulling them down his legs as his cock springs free of its constraints. Once free of his clothes, you grip his thigh with one hand and take him in your hand with the other, causing him to gasp at the contact. You look him in the eyes as you lick a stripe up the underside of him from base to tip, swirling your tongue over his already leaking head. You finally wrap your lips around him, sinking down and taking him all the way despite your gag reflex screaming at you to stop.

“Oh my fucking god.” he moans, squeezing his eyes shut and letting his head fall back. You pull yourself off him completely, causing him to open his eyes in surprise and groan in protest.

“I want your eyes on me until you’re cumming down my throat, got it? You’re not getting shit if I don’t see you watching how good I’m taking you.” You wait for a response, cocking an eyebrow when you don’t get one. “I said, got it?”

“Yes. I got it, I won’t look away I promise. Please keep going.” His whine turns into a loud moan as you sink back down onto him, his cock hitting the back of your throat. You bring your head back up, your hand pumping his base as you hollow your lips around his head, bobbing up and down. He struggles to keep his eyes on you, but keeps his promise as you continue fervently sucking him off, his knuckles turning white as he fists the sheets below him. “Fuck baby, that feels so good.” he gasps as you let out a hum of satisfaction. “Just like that, oh fuck I’m so close.”

You moan at his words, the vibrations sending him over the edge as he screws his eyes shut, his back arching off the bed as his head loudly hits the headboard and he lets out a string of moans and curse words, and you feel his hot release coat the back of your throat. His arms give out and he collapses fully onto his back, panting heavily as you pull off of him, cleaning any remaining cum off him with your tongue.

You move up the bed until you are laying on your side next to him and gently brush a stray strand of hair behind his ear, cradling his cheek with your hand and turning his face towards yours as you place a gentle kiss on his forehead. “How about we go take a shower and get you better cleaned up, love?”

He opens his eyes, squinting at you in blissed-out confusion. “What about you? You took care of me, now it’s your turn to feel good.” he half-whines.

“Tonight was about making you feel good, baby. You’ve had a long day, you need rest. We can cuddle up and fall asleep right after we shower; I’ll be alright tonight, I promise I don’t need anything right now.”

“Fine…” he grumbles. “But I’m gonna repay the favor sometime soon.”

You laugh, “Sounds like a deal.”, gently kissing him before getting off the bed and pulling him to the edge, leaving him sitting there as you strip your own clothes off. Once undressed, he wraps his arms around your abdomen, pulling you in between his legs as he peppers your stomach with soft kisses. You let him, placing your hands in his hair and playing with his curls for a few moments. “Alright, c’mon. Let’s go.” you say as you grab his hands and unwrap him from yourself before tugging him to a stand. You let go of one hand as you make your way towards the bathroom, pulling him along behind you.

You shower in comfortable silence, finally finishing 30 minutes later after frequently interrupting your routines with short, lazy make-out sessions. You dry off and change into your PJ’s, him in nothing but a pair of loose sweatpants, and you in light shorts and one of his T shirts, and complete your nighttime routines side by side. Once finished, Danny crawls into the bed, holding the sheet up for you as you crawl in next to him. He wraps his arms around you, drawing you into his chest in a bear hug and you bring your hands up to rest on his chest, forehead against his collarbone as you tangle your legs together.

You’re the first to break the silence; “Love you.” you say, voice barely above a whisper as your breath fans across his chest.

The last thing you hear before drifting off into a warm, deep sleep is his sleepy response of, “Love you too.”

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

not to continue beating a dead horse but i saw the og post earlier ( got curious when i saw your posts ) and the line about the comparison with shizuo is so funny to me. like yeah it is absolutely true that shizuo is doing his best to carry on with his day and people keep fucking with him etc etc BUT. unclear how to phrase this but the underlying implication that shizuo is "better" less so because of his actions themselves and more so because the "negative" things about him ( his anger issues obvi ) are beyond his control and therefore not to be held against him entirely whereas izaya's action are entirely in his control and of his own volition ( which does such a disservice to both characters imo ) no sir absolutely no impulsive poorly calculated decisions that have consequences for him later. you fell for the character's facade meant to be dismantled by the viewer etc

we love beating dead horses in this house. say something stupid and we get to clown on you forever. those are the rules

ALSO YEAH LITERALLY TEXUALLY IZAYAS ISSUES ARE OUT OF HIS CONTROL. like.

literally right there. and you cant even be like "uuuhjffnfnbut in the anime" LOOK CLOSELY. duarara rewards reading between the lines and izaya as a character starts off with a facade that slowly crumbles and if you still believe the facade by the end then you're stupid point blank.

which like, its Fine to not be able to analyze a show, its whatever, its not a thing everyone can do ESPECIALLY as they watch a show in real time for the first time. but dont act like you had some kind of Grand Revalation about the show and then talk down to people who have been here for YEARS, decades even, because they disagree with you, and then insult shit like their age! this guy just made something up about izaya and then "dunked" on his fans because of this imagined attribute

and yeah treating shizuo as Absolved bc he Didnt Mean To does a huge disservice to him as well, wether or not he Meant To, things still happened and people were still hurt, the NUANCE behind it is whats important!! i do strongly believe that if you want to truly understand this show you need to do away with the idea of "good people" and "bad people." novody is a wholly Good Person and nobody is a wholly Bad Person and people are COMPLICATED, especially the people in durarara, and if you try to slot them into Good Person and Bad Person categorization then all youll do is do a disservice to the characters and the writing itself

and i have talked about this EXTENSIVELY on here but izaya is important to me because he seems to be intentionally coded to be a sociopath. like, i said this in my other post:

he was a young boy with clear mental problems, to the point where his father instilled that people love into him in order to prevent a worse outcome and help him be more normal. the way this is framed, as a young boy exhibiting a concerning disconnect from other people to a point where it scares a usually neglectful father into acting- is very reminiscent of media depictions (and real life examples) of parents worrying that their child is a sociopath. this could very well have been intentional, and narita EXPLICITLY makes a POINT to state that izaya is the way that he is because he has a fragile heart- any sort of genuine effection and a betrayal of it could shatter him.

and it means a lot to me that in a show full of subverting Tropes About Bad People, "the sociopath" as a trope was one of them and it ended up making an incredibly raw and honest portrayal of what having aspd is like- both in the hurting other people sense AND the suffering of the person actually with the disorder, which is something not really explored at ALL in Media About Sociopaths. i talk a lot more about izaya's possible coding HERE if youre curious, but izaya as a character is very important to me because its a kind of portrayal not really seen. so it sucks when people completely disregard any and all nuance behind him bc he makes them ~uncomfy~ and then has the audacity to make it our problem as well

also this is just an aside based on my own dislike of him at age 16, plus i earned the right to be a jackass tbh: a lot of people hate izaya bc on some level they know theyd be one of those suicide girls that has no real answer to why they want to kill themselves and flouder when asked about it, not understanding the weight of suicide in the slightest and yet still saying that theyll do it

(know or at least THINK; i was pretty insecure back then but i really wasnt Like That, i knew full well what suicide meant. but i wanna be mean so im built different. just me)

anyway yeah fuck that hater ass bitch

ALSO the idea that shizuo is in the clear bc "people keep fucking with him" is LAUGHABLE bc that includes people like. asking him a question or being mildly annoying or in the wrong place at the wrong time. dumb to the fucking ass!!!!

[thesmpisonfire]

this might be a bit bitchy to post lol sorry if it is

i think its CRAZY that lea basically shit talked richas for no reason, especially when it was common knowledge that at least at one point the pomme dapper and richas admins were really close????????? and richas was NEVER obligated to step away even if pomme and dapper did even if they were close friends, and from what we know of his irl situation, it is probably very different to the other admins! like, hasn't he literally said in the past he doesn't go out much because of his health issues and the qsmp was something he could do like a lot of the time because of it and he really enjoys it so like i dunno it makes sense to me that he would still wanna do it if at all possible????

and on the other end of the spectrum, do we even have confirmation his admin is still involved/wants to be? for all we know he's no longer on the project either and just didn't make a public statement (entirely valid) in which case what she said is just... really lame??? an admin who leaves isn't obligated to say anything about it, so there is literally 0 reason for people to speculate about any of the people who didn't make a public statement when theres an infinite amount of situations that could be going on the behind the scenes.

ricardao is chronically ill and said that the server was the only way he was making friends bc he cant really go out much. and on that i gotta say i hate how twt babies ricardão and puts all the blame of his health problems in the server. even the fact he only eats rice most of the time they said its qstudios fault for the play time when he fucking > said he had to have a restrictive diet bc of his sickness < (I think he said once he cant eat gluten so he might have celiac disease). its crazy how its either hate him or baby him

the only confirmation we got was Lea saying Richas wasnt in their server and also didnt leave QStudios bc he was loyal and had special priviledges

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[kings-highway]

i've got quite a lot of fics written but they don't seem complete or cohesive enough to leave my docs,,, i don't know how to outline fics so everytime i get back to them im all over the place and end up doing things from the beginning do u have any advice :⁠,)

so... mhm... this is an interesting question. First of all I GREATLY appreciate you asking but unfortunately this installment of King's "advice column" is going to be half rant, half pep talk, and like maybe a sneaky 3% advice because the truth is... I don't know.

first off: I don't outline anything. Never have. The few times I do outlines it's for the sake of "trying to outline" and never because i wanted to. If you ever see me say the phrase "my outline" what Im actually referring to is the dance-break hallucination of the characters I've set to whatever Top 40 song Im listening to at the moment. I... cannot help you with outlining. Not really.

But I have some things that may help you overall. It sounds like the problem you have is with editing, not writing. Which... if you're new to editing or haven't edited a lot, can be entirely tedious and confusing and you might be saying "ach, but whats the difference!" - the difference is everything. I, personally, love editing. editing is where a story comes alive and can be perfected. If you have a finished full draft of a story, and you truly dont know where to go next... the next step is to be done with it. Literally. I've been working on a personal novel for about 2 years now, and half that time is spent waiting. Put away your draft, write something else. In 2 months, 3 months, come back to it and read it again, change anything you're no longer satisfied with. You'd be SHOCKED how much just taking a break from a story can improve your understanding of it. You may think of things to change in this waiting period - hold off. Hold it in. Let it stew. consider it caramalizing onions. there's simply no way to rush it. NOW - you expressed the sentiment of "i always end up doing things from the beginning-" I say... no you dont. That IS editing. My story has fully changed from front to back multiple times. That new draft you wrote from scratch? congrats, thats your second draft. Not your first. then you do it again. And again. Until the edits become smaller and smaller and smaller. And then when you hate it enough, you say "i cant possibly touch this anymore" and thats when you let someone read it.

And the truth is, they should have been reading it before. Feedback is infinitely important, in the editing process. You cannot expect to only ever show the best product. I have friends who have read drafts of my novel that wouldnt even be able to recognize what it is now. but I could never have gotten it to this point without their feedback. You have to be okay with letting someone - even just one person - see your bad first draft. THEY will be able to tell you where your cohesion is or isnt and how to improve it.

BUT that brings me to a second point, and the idea that this is probably fanfiction. Now, your initial ask was a little vague, so consider the first response there me being under the assumption you were interested in completely finishing a novel or short story with incredibly serious intent. Now Im going to assume you might be looking to publish chapter by chapter or take it "less seriously" because its just for having fun.

And to that i Say:

if youre publishing chapter-by-chapter (and writing chapter by chapter) your cohesion is gonna be shit!!! thats a first draft youre putting out into the world, babe, its gonna be ass! but embrace the chaos!!! I have learned and developed SO MUCH as a writer by publishing chapters one at a time, namely how to "punch through" that lack of cohesion. Consider your first draft a challenge. no matter how many errors you make, you are NOT allowed to go back and change it. that thing you committed to chapter 2? well its chapter 18 now and you either need to address it, or ignore it and hope your readers dont comment. You are beholden to your own writing and theres nothing you can do. Make it work. Its probably not as bad as you think.

Which brings me back to my initial point - dont trust me on cohesion!! Or, maybe, don't trust *yourself* on your judgement of your story. I'm assuming if you're asking you like at least 1 of my stories, so here's that aforementioned peptalk bit from the beginning:

if we're talking about incohesive stories and bad choices and things that REALLY should have been edited, I'm the (hehe puns) King of them. (I sometimes just vaguely think about Paranormality and want to tear my hair out - and yet this is one people seem to love the most!) here's two facts from my stories that are currently still available to read on ao3:

1. In "The Island" Jasvir and the rescue team make a 24 hour journey in about 6 hours (Because I forgot where New Zealand was and didnt fact check before)

2. In "Soulmake Adventures" Tendou describes how Ushijima stays at his apartment when he's "in the city" despite that city being Tokyo and the home base for the Adlers and Ushijima really should, like, have a home. (It did not occur to me to even check)

And Honey, if you think I had a plan for even one goddamn second of Paranormality you're mistaken. Holy shit it's just nonsense after nonsense after nonsense. I REALLY should have like, at least at one point, like... thought ahead. I just kept shoving stuff in and backpedaling and doubling down on things. But it was FUN to write. And people had a lot of fun reading it. I could edit it into something cohesive, but I dont think it needs that. I think if youre writing fanfiction, maybe its okay to just let it be a little bit loose and fucked up for the sake of the joy of it.

here's.... uh.... 3% advice:

1. have an ending. the stories where I know what my last scene (or my last line) will be always get drafted easier and with less stress. I dont mean have an ending idea. I mean literally mentally map out the last paragraph. Really helps me keep on track

2. talk to people. Walk them through your premise and your themes and what you want it to be. saying it out loud almost always will start clicking puzzle pieces together.

3. learn editing. unfortunately im not talking about grammer and spelling, i mean proper content editing. You have to build this skill seperately from your writing.

4. accept that your first draft is for vibes and fun. Push forward and do your best to "force it" however you need to, but;

4.5. understand that deleting work is part of the creation process too. If you do scrap an entire draft and start over, youre not "starting over" - youre starting draft 2. Thats editing!

[ganondoodle]

i talked about why i find the argument people love to use as an excuse as to why shiekah tech is all gone in totk that "they destroyed it bc they were afraid of it" dumb before many times so i wont go over my past points in detail again

- i was just reminded of that and thought of new points to rant about going from that, no evil intentions in mind just when sth is mentioned again after some time i think about it again and can come up with more stuff-

(past points being- how?? shiekah tech seemed pretty indestructable, especialyl the big structures; it seemed like it was a literal holy thing for alot of people in the game; that it would be pretty damn stupid to spend so much energy and probably endanger people to dismanlte it since that time and energy would be better used rebuilding important infrastrucutre instead; if it stopped working why wouldnt you just kinda .. leave it there; why in hells name would you get rid of the shrine of life .. and i guess monk miz kyoshia with it???; shouldnt they be MORE afraid of sonau tech then??)

new thoughts

wouldnt it be logical to research and develope shiekah tech MORE so you can make sure it cant get corrupted again, like a security measure idk anti virus if you will lol

on the specific idea of zelda using it ... shouldnt she be the BEST person to use it bc she could, if it somehow got corrupted again, cleanse it/instantly deactivate it more easily than anyone else??

on the point of people not beign afraid of sonau tech ... that is still like the biggest problem for me with that argument bc .. i get beign afraid of shiekah stuff going haywire again, but then if suddendly alien tech from a literally fully unknown group of people started to appear out of nowhere at the sAME TIME AS MALICE COMES BACK BUT WORSE in the form of miasma shoudlnt that ring your alarm bells and make you flee for your life?? i wouldnt trust that shit after knowing what happened to the tech that we DID know shit about

i know theres like researchers for it but also they really all meddle and play with it immediately like its for them just as much a toy as it is for us the players (also a point that made me feel weird about it ngl), they build businesses around it, made minigames out of it with civilians, use it for transportation with no thought or concern about it, its really weird when this is supposedly takign palce after BOTW where FAMOUSLY ancient barely reasaearched tech got corrupted by evil goo and nearly destroyed the entire land of hyrule (man are they LUCKY gan suddendly has zero interest in ANY tech)

(and i know theres the possibilty that sonau tech is somehow not able to be corrupted but it just seems so dumb anyway bc the people cant KNOW that for sure right of the bat??? and it DOES get possessed with the broken construct too, like .. wouldnt the possibility alone .. esepcialyl with waht had happened in botw make you NOT want to use that alien tech like a toy?? especially with WORSE malice being around suddendly too?? that just smells like a recipy for disaster)

(... man totk realyl is just botw but worse ... the more i think about it the more it feels like that)

[megatruxfr]

Me talking about the only Dinotrux episode that REALLY pissed me off & why i hate it

Dinotrux is really good at handling mature concepts. I was pleasantly surprised with it and i love it so, so, so much. As good as Dinotrux is at reflecting personal problems that the characters have, there is just this one episode, Sandstorm.

God, i hate it.

Never thought i would say that about a Dinotrux episode, but sweet jesus, this episode pissed me off. Now i'm not the type to explicitly slander or hate on something, especially if its about Dinotrux, so this is gonna be an honest review.

Problem 1: Dozer is NOT comfortable in the entire episode & no one cares

(Dozer when he hears for the first time he will be stuck in the garage for days in the picture below)

The first thing i noticed was that Dozer specifically wasnt comfortable with the idea of being in the garage for days. Everyone else was like "okay, we are gonna be locked in this house where we can barely drive a circle, with 4 dinotrux and 4 reptools, thats okay", but Dozer is not only not comfortable with that idea (and he seems to be the only one) he also distances himself from everyone, he mostly sleeps, he just wants to be alone. Its important to note that Dozeratops are naturally herd trux - so they usually live, sleep, eat and drive around in a group. Dozer shows multiple signs of being straight up uncomfortable. But NO. ONE. CARES!!! No one gives a shit and cant seem to regocnize some obvious signs, Ty doesnt even question anything...

WHEN DOZER LITERALLY ALMOST HAS A PANIC ATTACK!!!

Ty asks Dozer if he's okay, to wich Dozer wants to respond, but he literally starts panting and breathing heavily before actually responding, thats how stressed he is! Can you believe it!? Then he almost says his frustrations out, but Ton Ton interrupts them, Ty understands Dozer and he takes Ton Ton to play a game so that he leaves Dozer alone, but through the episode Ton Ton continues to annoy Dozer, and he is aware of it. Ton Ton knows that what he is doing annoys Dozer.

Problem 2: everyone blames Dozer for getting angry at Ton Ton, even though Ton Ton literally annoys Dozer thoughout the ENTIRE fucking episode

(Another pic of Dozer being stressed & everyone is around him but no one cares)

Now heres the most frustrating thing about this. Ton Ton is aware, but so is Dozer. Ton Ton knows that hes pissing Dozer off and he is pushing Dozers buttons of purpose. But Dozer is intelligent. He has at this point been working on his anger, and he almost lashes out to Ton Ton, TWICE, but keeps it in, because he knows everything will only get worse if he gets angry.

Dozer is actually such a saint. Being stuck with his friends in the garage, getting super uncomfortable and stressed, one person keeps pissing him off but no one cares, he is very stressed, almost has a panic attack and is straight up not comfortable but no one cares, keeps his anger (wich he already struggles with) in bc he knows itll only make things worse but no one cares, and when he finally does lash out... he gets blamed.

Seriously, i hated it. I hated it so fricking much. I hated how Ty didnt look at the meaning of the fight like he usually does, for context, Dozer eventually lashes out, looses his cool and attacks Ton Ton, they have a physical fight and Ty jumps in and pulls them apart. Now Ty knows Ton Ton has been getting on Dozers nerves, alright? He saw how annoyed Dozer was by Ton Ton.

And yet, he tells Dozer to back off.

Wow.

And one sequence later, after Dozer literally tries to escape the garage, Ty tells him: "Don't make me roar again."

TY, FUCK OFF. IF YOU ACTUALLY PAYED ATTENTION AND WERE ABLE TO NOTICE SOME OBVIOUS SIGNS THEN MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE PICKED UP ON THE FACT THAT TON TON WAS AN ANNOYING SHIT THAT KEPT PUSHING DOZER. TY I LOVE YOU BUT I HATED THIS WITH MY ALL.

3. Dozer isnt praised whatsoever for keeping his cool

This i dont just hate, i dont understand it. As i said Dozer has anger / agression problems for a long time now (Dozer is approximately 27 - 28). So being able to keep his cool like that twice is a great job. But yeah, i have to say it again, because it in fact does happen in this episode: NO. ONE. CARES.

4. It hits me on a personal level

In this episode i felt even more how Dozer feels. I strongly relate to Dozer. If u didnt know, i used to have anger and agression problems too, i was very explosive, and i have spent a long time in a center where no one listened to me, and if i lashed out and i got angry after trying to keep calm, i was blamed, i was locked up, and i was told to stop yelling, no one asked me if i was okay, i had no say about my care plan and i was just a kid. I think thats the biggest reason of my dislike for this episode - i know how Dozer feels, i know how it feels if no one, even your best friends, dont listen to you, how it feels if no one cares that you are clearly uncomfortable, stressed or scared. I know how that feels. I do.

And trust me when i say: It really hurts.

This episode overall just SUCKED. I felt terrible for Dozer throughout the whole thing. So yeah, this was my honest review of the only Dinotrux episode i truly hate ☹️ so yeah byeeee

[kazu-naito]

some random rc opinions cause its 2am and i cant sleep:

• revealing that kingu was ultimately the reason why nikkal's problems (that affected her entire life) started - even if he didn't know/mean it - IN THE LAST SEASON was a very low blow. like after all this time you're telling me my man had been using her since she was a child and ended up being the reason why she became an orphan?? WHO APPROVED THAT—

• kazu is the best li on the entire app. period. idc if you have other favourites you can't find a single flaw on the dude. he set the bar too high no one's ever gonna come close everything about him makes me wanna SCREAM i honestly can't believe he was written by a MAN

• theodora is top 3 best books. the characters, the stories, the feelings??? unmatched. i felt so many emotions reading it i actually sobbed through a third of it. it's not in my top 3 favourite books but it's undeniable its one of the best written (i would go as far as to say theodora and lotw share the throne)

• s1 of heaven's secret 2 is the worst. i'm sorry but it was such a challenge to get through it i can't even- it's not badly written, that's not what i'm saying, it's just SO MISERABLE, every single character is miserable !!and i know that's the point!! but ughhhhhh

• vying for versailles has the best mc idc what anyone says or thinks SHE'S THE HBIC!!!! no one's doing it like her truly an icon

• dals has one of the best/most compelling stories. the ottoman storyline is extremely heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time cause you know from the beginning its ending in tragedy. striking a deal to protect your loved ones only to see it ultimately fail and you're forced to live through 600 years of agony until they reincarnate and you get a second chance with them?? just inject it on my veins. now now i do think they're dragging it a little too much and it's now a bit boring but oh well

• i'm lowkey tired of the mc always being "inferior" to others, they're either inexperienced, poor, powerless, caged etc while the other characters are the opposite so the mc always depends on them in some way

• a book is only as good as its lis. there, said it. idc if you're writing the best piece of literature of the century if the lis are boring i will not be that interested oop and if its a shitty cheap book but with the loml in there you can bet i'll be even replaying that shit

• psi is like a gold mine. the beginning is bo-ring but once you get past like half of s1 you'll be simply amazed by how good the book is and once you get to s2 it's over for you like congratulations now you're hooked and there's no turning back welcome to the club!!!

[roxyzwritez]

pearlrose content

wanna see how ive been writing all these episodes? spoiler: it was not written with the intent to be read. but its really cute if you can get past and decipher my writes. (also im not 100% sure i like how i did this. may redo this one.) pls feedback. also @rosenotactuallyquartz i think you may like this ((im sorry abt the near daily tags))

under the cut so dashes don't get flooded

greg wakes up. gets coffee. gets breakfast. sits outside. frown.

rose floats over.

rose: good morning greg!

greg: hey rose.

rose: what's the matter? :(

greg: i was hoping you wouldn't ask.. im not doing great.

rose: why is that?

greg: i thought i'd be so happy that you're back. i thought i'd still be completely in love with you like i was before, but.. i just don't feel it anymore. im sorry.

rose, frown: that's okay, greg. we can be friends. i understand. i disappeared for 14 years- not that long to me, but that's a long time for humans. i understand if your feelings changed. especially with all my.. mistakes… revealed. im just glad you told me.

greg: are you sure? its okay to be upset, rose.

rose: i dont follow human relationship dynamics. im a little sad, sure, but you're still a friend. its not the end of the world.

greg: as long as you're okay.

rose: i am. don't worry about me, greg.

greg: okay.

she looks at him with a smile before flying off back home. she walks in.

tumblr note: im really unsure abt the breakup thing honestly. it feels weird especially how she just instantly goes to pearl. tell me ur thoughts yall!

stv, eatin chaps: hey mom.

rose: hi steven. wheres pearl?

stv: ooooooo-

rose chuckles: oh, stop it.

stv: i think she went to her room. she's been in there a lot recently.

rose: huh. alright, thank you steven.

stv: no problem.

rose goes into pearls room.

rose: pearl?

pearl quickly gets up: y-yes rose? sorry, i didn't know you were coming.

rose floats on over: i would like to talk to you about something.

pearl,���: o-okay.

rose: i know how you feel about me. but im not entirely sure you understand how i feel about you.

pearl looks away: but- greg.

rose, chuckling: pearl. i talked to him just now, and he told me he doesn't feel that way towards me anymore. and from what i understand about human relationships, being with multiple people is a bit of a problem. ive always loved you, pearl. i knew either this would happen, or he'd… reach his time at some point. this was always going to happen, pearl. i don't need future vision for that.

pearl: i-

rose tacklehugs her to the ground and they roll around happy. pearl happycries

rose: ohh, my beloved pearl. not my pearl, but my beloved pearl. does- does that make sense?- oh my- (starts laughing)

pearl, chuckling softly: i know what you meant, rose.

rose: okay. good. le smoochie

pearl: i love you, rose. so much.

rose: i love you even more.

pearl: no, i do.

rose, chuckling: oh, pearl.

they smile at eachother.

stv: that was the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life.

pearl extremely embarrassed: STEVEN!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE-

rose: pearl, its okay. they're all allowed to know. we don't need to be a secret. besides, garnet probably knows anyway.

pearl: o-okay. but steven please don't do that again.

stv: it was so worth it. i will never forget this.

rose: alright, steven. can me and pearl talk in private again?

stv: aww mann. okay. (leaves)

rose: you don't know how badly i wanted to be with you. always. it hurt that i couldn't be there for you for those years.. trapped in his gem. i wish i could've done something, but i just couldn't. believe me, i tried.

pearl: its okay. its not your fault. you're here now, and that is enough for me. (squeeze hug cry) im sorry for crying so much i cant help it.

rose: let it out, pearl. its okay. (soft hug n comforts back, headpats and otherwise adorable shit)

[cinefairy]

i personal feel that this the problem a lot us are probably facing and thinking. i feel this is a topic to be discussed rather than saying "you have it now, the 4D is the only thing that matters, 3D is a reflection... blah blah blah". we should also consider the people who's struggling and suffering from serious mental health issues even though they know the LAW OF ASSUMPTION.

let's say they want to manifest good grade and their test is tomorrow they have nothing prepared so they just 'try' to manifest, claim it and sustain in that assumption and the next day they go to school with full hope and they doesn't know a single thing in that paper and yep they get a bad grade and get discouraged. i know i know, you be like circumstances don't matter it's because that is what you assume. if they were so passionate and hopeful about that why did they get a bad grade? many of them haven't even manifested a thing so far they get easily discouraged and give up. then they be like "let me revise it" and nothing is happening again, this shit is going on loop.

WE NEED TO STOP THIS SHIT!

the blogs and stuffs say that the 4D is real and the 3D is not important it's just a reflection. let's say your bills are due in an hour or so days and you gonna pay the 4D money? hell nah. what's the point of having it in the 4D if you're homeless and your stomach is empty. you say manifestation is instant, if it is so why isn't my assumptions not hardened into facts? we assume a lot of things and not seeing them get real pisses us off.

now let's take an example, i want a complete 360 turn of my entire life like nothing is same as before. i want to be in a different country, have different name, have different job, have different appearance, have different personalities, have different friends, have different family ...... everything is just different. and then I assume like "okay, I'm going to count to ten and when it reaches one when i open my eyes my reality is completely changed" (assumed) and then i do that and nothing changed and i gave up.

this is what is happening for a lot of us and it's even harder when they're a beginner to concious manifesting or haven't consciously manifested anything before on will.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THIS THE CASE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH? WHAT WILL BE YOUR PIECE OF ADVICE.

if i make rules and if I assume that thing it's going to be like that why isn't it changing?

as someone who has personally struggled with mental health i can only give you advice & what i’ve personally done. it is truly up to you about what you’ll do.

when i first discovered into the law i wasn’t happy. i was having the worst times of my life, therefore (and i feel like a lot of us have been through this too) we attach ourselves to the law. we see it as the light to a brand new world and we depend on it to save us. we give all this power away to the law that we forget to shine light on our roles, and how we are the ones that actually have the power.

when struggling i wanted joy- and joy for me was something large, something bold, something outstandingly amazing when actually joy can mean having a cup of hot chocolate with a few extra marshmallows than usual. joy can mean opening the window and just letting the wind past you by. listening to old songs that played a part in my life and evoking all those feelings again.

so please take care of your mental health in the way that feels comfortable be to you. in the way that feels right to you, we cant continue to abandon ourselves when we’re struggling.

and im not saying that it’ll be easy. i struggled so much when i was releasing the pain of my past, releasing the pain of what i was currently going through. but i still did it. it didn’t hurt to try.

okay now lets move onto manifesting but before that can i just say something that irks me a little?

idk anything about you or personal circumstances but its such a common trend on here (and other loa spaces) to see people be like “okay but what if i was homeless???/what if i was in an extremely toxic environment” and it pisses me off to see people use serious issues prove a point. its so unnecessary. homelessness etc are your not your points to use against manifesting blogs

anyways

imagination creates reality, look all around you. this was all made imagination first before it became a physical being.

the law asks you to do something not a lot of people want to do and that is drop the old story. you cannot continue on if you want something new in the old self, in the old set of beliefs, in the old state.

how do you intend to manifest a whole brand new life when you still dwell in the assumption that it is not here?

how do you intend (for example) to manifest a successful business when you still dwell in the assumption that you’re businesses will always be unsuccessful?

you cant measure your success through the 3D. that is the biggest mistake people do. you’ll always be stuck in the loop of manifesting, looking at the 3D, then thinking you’re failing

and you can’t depend on blogs constantly and get mad

do you accept your desires? do you feel they are yours? do you know they are yours? do you realise that now that you have claimed it in 4D it is yours.

you’re so hungry for the physical manifestation of your desire that you dont fulfil yourself inwardly. why not make yourself feel great in the inside? and the cherry on top is the physical of your manifestation.

[cluescorner]

Thoughts on Canto V

Spoilers ahead. Also, disclaimer that I did not play it but instead watched it because I really like the story but I don't play the game anymore. I do not think playing it through would have impacted my experience, but do keep that fact in mind and let me know if you think my feelings would change if I had played it.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I REALLY LIKED IT! The characters were solid (though there are some problems), the theme of hoping for the future and allowing yourself to discover it for yourself rather than holding onto the past, and there were some incredible fucking moments.

Firstly, Ishmael. She was pretty stellar throughout. Watching her slowly degrade into becoming a mirror of the very woman she sought to destroy was heartbreaking, I felt like she actually had a real arc this canto that helped her become a less burdened person, and some of her deepening bonds with the other sinners were awesome. I particularly liked watching her interactions with Outis because Moby Dick and the Odyssey/Illiad are the two literary works from Limbus that I know well, and based on that info it makes sense that they would both understand and annoy each other. The moments with Heathcliff were also incredible because they've always had a really cool dynamic. Ishmael's relationships with her crew were also interesting and I feel like that could have easily been the best part of this cant, but ultimately that didn't end up happening (more on that later). I felt like the sudden character development 'Oh the other characters are my friends and they are my compass' thing was a BIG JUMP especially for Ishmael, but it's not a bad idea. I think it just needed more time in the oven, let Ishmael interact with the other sinners inside the dungeon and have her work together with them to get through things. Fortunately, Ishmael's VA + the Mili song really carried that ending so I still wound up getting caught up in the moment regardless. Speaking of Ishmael's VA...HOLY SHIT WHATEVER THEY ARE GETTING PAID IT WAS NOT ENOUGH!! Singlehandedly made me like this Canto so much more than I otherwise would have. An incredible performance all around, stand out moments include but are not limited to: Her ranting at the pirates about them not knowing what shame is, the euphoric hatred in her voice as she fantasizes about finding and killing Ahab, the grief as she discusses Queequeg and the hope as she sees Queequeg again, and OF COURSE WHEN SHE GOES AHAB MODE! Bravo Jang Ye-na, you carried this Canto through its weaker moments and helped the best ones become my favorite moments in this game.

Next, Ahab. I liked her a lot, fucking awful captain woman who reminds me of my old pastors. GOOD JOB MAKING THIS A FUCKING HORROR GAME THIS BITCH SCARES ME! I wish we could have seen more of her (and maybe we will in the future) because what we got was incredible. I was expecting a shitty boss but instead got another fucking cult leader. Her design is also a solid mirror to Ishmael's, further emphasizing the point that they are becoming more alike as this stuff goes on AND making the moment where Ishmael breaks the cycle of hatred more impactful. She is an incredible mirror of what happens where you allow hatred to consume you entirely, and the VA really reflects that. The only complaint I kinda have is that she probably should have been a lot more morally grey than she was. I feel like we just kinda got Kromer version 2 in terms of the role she played in the story and in Ishmael's life, granted that might change in the future so I will be very happy to be wrong if that's the case. But after Dongrang, I was expecting something a little more sympathetic or at least nuanced than 'evil cult leader captain lady hates that fucking whale and will kill her crew and makes that abundantly clear'. Again, I do like what we got so I can't complain too much but still.

I LOVE THAT BIG FUCKING WHALE! SCARY FUCKING BIG WHALE COMETH! ELDRITCH WHALE!

The Indigo Elder is so fucking cool. I wish he were here for more than 3 minutes and actually had something to do. They really introduced a man by having him tear the arm off the guy who we were struggling to survive against, said he was a Color and that he killed another Calamity, teased this really cool plan, and then...he's just waiting outside presumably 1v1-ing the whale but we get to neither see nor hear about it at all. I hope he comes back and we can see him do cool shit, because we had an incredible set-up with mediocre pay-off.

Ishmael's crew...I loved them so much I wish they were in the Canto for more than 1 level. They should have been introduced MUCH EARLIER in order to have their deaths have more of an impact. We should have been in the whale for longer, even if it meant shortening other parts of the chapter, just for the crew. Because those are Ishmael's ties and these are the people who Ahab's hatred is robbing the world of. What we did get of them was very strong, but Starbuck and Pip got nothing in terms of character moment and time. Queequeg got a little bit more (by the way I love that Queequeg actually looked like the design team at least LOOKED at a Polynesian person, I'm so jaded from other gacha games that I'm thrilled somebody actually looks like they're from the culture they're inspired from. She looks like a buffer, female version of one of my Polynesian neighbors it's great.) and it made her feel a lot more developed. She was a solid adaptation of Queequeg and her relationship with Ishmael was so sweet. The moments we got of them together were some of the highlights and it made me really want them to manage to escape together. Of course that was never gonna happen, but still. I also don't like how we don't even see Queequeg and Starbuck die. Are we supposed to assume Ahab killed them to manifest the ego? Did we kill them? I see some criticism around the fact that they stood by Ahab's side at the end and wondering why they did that. And I get that criticism because it is weird, but also that's just kinda what cult leaders can do especially when they're the only reason you've been alive for however long + you're slowly being overtaken by BAD WHALE JUICE. I 100% buy that they chose to follow the Captain because the Captain is always right and even when She does horrible things Her understanding is elevated above ours. And if Her fight is our fight, then surely it is ok for us to die here.

I feel like this is also a criticism that only I care about but why is the story suddenly like 'oh revenge is bad don't do revenge'? Like, I get it revenge is bad and that was kinda the point of Moby Dick. BUT WE HAVE LITERALLY DONE SO MUCH REVENGE AND REVENGE WAS KINDA SINCLAIR'S WHOLE THING AND IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE HEATHCLIFF'S! Why is revenge suddenly bad and 'oh no it makes you just like the other person' no it does not Sinclair did not suddenly become genocidal because he kept trying to murder Kromer. Is revenge only bad when it's successful? IDK, I just hate narrative inconsistency and this immediately jumped out at me.

Overall, I really liked this Canto! I have my problems with it, but they are relatively minor compared to all it does well.