#but the more I’m developing the more actively shitty he’s becoming

[lil-oreo-crumbles]

The more I develop the magic system and magic lore for the Septarsis Dragonfly AU, the more Glossaryck is shaping up to be more and more actively villainous and explicitly antagonistic.

It’s kind of fascinating.

[thereaperisabitch]

My Joel Miller fic recs Volume 2

I wanted to post this before my birthday, but that was more than a month ago - life happened (SO MANY things happened).

As I said on the first part, 2023 was a very rough year and these stories I’ve read were a great solace for me. Sadly, 2024 it’s still being as rough – so I’m holding on my resolution and being more active on here. My original plan was to make a rec list of the year, but not only it’d be huge but it would be a lot of work, so I’ll be separating in volumes. Last year’s will be considered volume 1, this is volume 2.

I want to thank every author in this list @tieronecrush @atticrissfinch @swiftispunk @the-scandalorian @softlyspector and @toomanystoriessolittletime : thank you so much for taking your time and created amazing stories for me and for all the readers in here, you all are very talented and creative, your hard work in crafting the best reading pieces it's very much appreciated, I wish there's more I could do to express how much I value your writing.

Hot & Heavy (complete)

Summary: 3 years, 3 summers - what happens when you can’t get over your sexy older neighbor? The sexiest and sweetest love affair that could happen – but with a lot more between them.

This one is very dear to me, @tieronecrush is the sweetest person on earth (and I love her even more knowing she's Aries too). Sam’s creativity it’s amazing and at the same time she can balm our hearts with her words, she can squeeze it with our lungs.

I think this was the first story I’ve read of hers and her Javier Peña’s “Only Angel” will appear again when I make a list of rec's of our beloved Peña.

From her Joel Miller stories, I also highly recommend Trick or Treat, Secret Santa and Orange Crush.

Meet Me In The Back (on going)

Summary: after a rough shitty day, you just want your drink, but state’s law is against you, what to do? Sleazy gas station clerk Joel shows you he can bend the rules for different ways to pay 👀

This has become my obsession, consuming my thoughts at the most random times and very oftenly. Joel’s kinda weird in this story, but he gets under your skin, etches in your brain in a way that you accept and love. And because I’m a ~romantic gal~, there’s more than crazy ass good smut in this too and so far, I’m loving the development of this story.

I also HIGHLY recommend In the Next Room, ‘cause @atticrissfinch turned an annoying situation (my aunt struggles with neighbors like this and it’s exhausting my family) into one of the sexiest things ever.

Your Summer Dream (complete)

Summary: after a traumatic breakup, you’re travelling to Costa Rica with your parents and your dad’s best buddy, Joel Miller. You know what they say, the best way to heal a broken heart it’s with a good dick someone new, right? Right.

This is one my favorite dbf!Joel ever! The situation between them it’s the most appealing – hot DILF, friend’s of dad, fresh breakup and SUMMER and BEACH –  it’s the perfect recipe for a delicious and thrilling story, but @swiftispunk adds more with her talent, bringing up also the complicate parts of falling in love with your dbf.

I also highly recommend Good to Me, it’s about Joel being a gynecologist – and just that made me BURN, but also he’s a very good and caring gynecologist, which makes everything all better. Say it With Your Hands is set in Jackson Era - Joel Miller in Jackson visits a masseuse and it’s too much body contact for our poor old man. And Snowflakes, a Fireplace, and You it’s a beautiful Christmas tale and it’s also very much sexy and sad, and I foolish hope that next Christmas there’ll be a second part.

Two & Mine

These are one-shots that aren't related.

I love @the-scandalorian and the day I make a rec list for Din Djarin, 90% of it will be all of her pieces. But since Joel’s stills the man of the hour, I recommend both of these one-shots of her. Mine was the first anal fic with Joel that I’ve read in here, and that’s all you need to know to go read it and LOVE it as I do.

Two includes it’s smut with angst, which I LOVE, as well. And it’s perfect smut, in every detail and word choice, because Simone is wonderful and everything she writes it’s perfectly endearing and it touches you in different ways.

If you're also into Din Djarin content, go check her work.

Honeyed (complete)

Summary: the dilemma of someone who can’t stand being touched but finds a connection with the tattooist Joel Miller and his arts.

I’ve used “can’t stand being touched” but you need to know that’s because there’s trauma in the background and @softlyspector explains that in the Warnings. This story it’s very dear to me, I was really involved while reading and Becca builds the perfect relationship of trust between them, while adding some mind-gushing pining.

You know when you read something so good you feel something tingling inside you? That’s how I’ve felt reading Honeyed, that’s how good this story is.

I’ve reread this story before finishing this list and it was a thrill as it was when I've read it for the first time. Becca nailed perfectly with her writing in here and I love it love it love it love it, please go read this and fall in love with this story too.

⚠

🚨WARNING🚨 ⚠ATTENTION⚠ The next story contains beastiality/sexual content with a monster creature. If it’s not your thing or you don’t think you’ll be able to read it, JUST DON’T READ IT. If even you’ve ignored my and author’s warnings and read it still and didn’t like it, keep your opinion to yourself, unless you’ve got some real constructive criticism to share respectfully. Many authors in this place have been migrating or becoming less active in the fandom because of people who think they can say whatever they want without any regards of respect and fuck the receivers of their hate. Don’t make here a worse environment, life outside it’s already awful and unfair as it is. Respect the authors and their work, even if you don't like them.

Claimed

Summary: after being chased by raiders, your savior comes in a form of a strange creature (werewolf). What happens after it’s more than a different way of saying “thank you”.

I’ve felt I needed to add this story here not only because it swept me off my feet and I loved it, but also because this list needs more spice, so thanks @toomanystoriessolittletime for brightening this even more.

Now, if someone asks me if I’m into monster fucking, I’ll say no – but I’d be guilty by this story and other ones (Din Djarin, your time will come). Now that being said, this story it’s HOT, it made me feel hot and I’ve felt good with this story.

I’ve loved the smut, but also how Steph created a perfect atmosphere, I could picture the scene perfectly in my mind. And also Tommy being a werewolf made me hot as well.

That’s it, folks. Next volume probably will come after June. I don’t believe in my promises and neither should you (unless when recommending a fic, then you can trust it’s good).

[olderthannetfic]

You know what obnoxious thing I keep seeing in fandom I wish would stop? This absolute need some people seem to have for their ship to be Representation in some way. Shipping is just imagining scenarios between two characters! You don’t need it to be a Special reason or whatever? I have a ship that is popular and people make weird vague comments about how the fandom is racist because both of them are white and there are other ship options that have poc so the white ship being big is a reflection on how racist the fandom is but the thing is…

Look I’m going to be real with y’all the fandom is for the game Detroit: Become Human and let’s just say the two major black characters are basically stereotypes written by a neocon lib boomer in a story that itself is imho…let’s call it tone deaf and corny af rather than overtly racist but yeah. Black folks on twitter regularly mock this game for good reason. It is very much a boomer white man’s idea of the civil rights movement but with robots. The robots sing actual slave hymns. The main character is essentially a light-skinned Martin Luther King Jr (dubbed Markus Luthur King by blktwt lol) and the religious allegories of him as a savior figure are very on the nose. It is bad lol. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to explore the black characters but the fandom is full of young white people singing the praises of this writing while patting themselves on the back about it which is genuinely uncomfortable to be around. Just my 2 cents but the virtue signaling and insane policing around those two characters makes it unbearable to interact with their content it is deeply sanitized and you WILL get death threats if you attempt any nuance or are critical of the (kinda racist imo) way they were written in canon.

The worst part of this is that Markus has a popular ship with a character a lot of people read or interpret as a more soft or femme gay man and you know what zoomers hate? Femme gay men. So obviously this is made to be ‘problematic’ in some way because these people can’t just admit to being femmphobic/homophobic themselves.

Sometimes it’s easier to stick with the boring white characters in the background because they aren’t being closely guarded by stupid reactionary people who are used to flashing their favorite fictional poc characters as tokens of their own goodness and virtue.

--

The pinnacle of this game is that moment when the black lady lectures her son about why they need to run the robot underground railroad to Canada.

I watched some playthroughs. Unsurprisingly, I liked the buddy cops with the good development, not the cringey activism plot with too many foils and not enough development of any single relationship and not the the Women Care About Babies plot.

But if I were going to do something fannish with Markus, I'd write him having a fucked up relationship with his mentor's son post game—the surrogate son who thought the guy was great and the estranged son who knew he wasn't but who has also done a bunch of shitty stuff himself.

It's especially hilarious when tryhards think the problem is not enough people shipping Markus with North as if the slashers are going to be into 1. het and 2. yet another unnecessary traumatic sex stuff backstory for a lady.

Even worse, half the whining isn't even about that Nines fanon nonsense being more popular than Markus: it's about how Markus/Connor would be better than Hank/Connor because old people are ew.

Sorry, children, a lot of people are here to thirst for Clancy Brown and because they'll turn up for any Caves of Steel ripoff. Other Connor ships were never in the running.

[eddiegettingshot]

Seriously there are a lot of bad buck-centric takes/tropes on here but the one that chris thinks eddie will push buck away is the absolute worst to me like 1. Chris loves buck but eddie is his dad and he wants eddie to be happy and eddie has never actively pushed anyone out of chris’s life nor has chris expressed worry eddie would do so. He actively keeps his shitty parents in his life and is trying to fix his relationship with them so chris can have a relationship with them as well. and 2. Chris and buck’s relationship is actually quite separate from eddie in canon like the only signification chris/buck development that I can think of that eddie was present for was maybe 3x12 ? And 4x14 I suppose. But if (strong if here) chris were ever worried about buck leaving if something bad happened with eddie it is something that would and should be explored via a buck/chris conflict and not a eddie/chris conflict. Because it is a sentiment that is tied to buck and chris in 4x08, not anything that has happened between eddie and chris. (And also if buck ever “left” it wouldnt even be because eddie did something I think. It would be because buck perceived himself as in the wrong and would be giving eddie and chris space) Also 3. chris is like soo much older than he was in s4 now, and is also written as older/more mature in canon and it would be nice if fanon/headcanons could keep up

yes literally all of this and. well honestly i’m not even saying that it’s not a realistic response i guess? like it’s not out of the realm of possibility. but by no means do i believe it’s the most likely AND it has very quickly become THE singular conflict that anyone can conceive of. half the time it doesn’t even come across as being written based on chris’s character but on what people themselves think about eddie’s relationships (and my BIGGEST pet peeve is when people act like he’s been regularly externalizing his issues with shannon when that is quite literally the opposite of what he does!!!!!!). it’s just so unenjoyable like probably my least favorite thing to read about at the moment. and it’s EVERYWHERE. so.

[dykedvonte]

thinking abt what you said with house viewing Benny as a son and I’m obsessed. Like. The man spent most of his life before the war presumably alone, and then after the bombs fell he was alone again, save for AI he himself devised. Then he decides to pull in some Tribes, and one kid shows promise! So sure, treat him well, train him, groom him to be his protege, then next thing you know UH OH he’s got developing paternal feelings towards this guy. Wanting some semblance of a family when the time has long since passed, yet fostering that feeling all the same seems so accurate for him. Benny meanwhile only views him as a boss, and not a particularly good one at that. makes me wonder how House must’ve felt when he found out about Bennys plans

I view it as House blames only himself for this, cause he kind of does in canon (strap in this is a long one).

When reflecting on the issue of Benny, House chastises himself first and foremost for not acting quickly enough when it comes to priming Benny. He describes Benny as being ambitious, ruthless and capable; compliments coming from a man like House. House has an ego and while he is logical enough to understand there was never any evidence Benny saw him as a father-figure, he lacks the humility to admit he let his own views on his relationship with Benny blind him to the activities happening behind the scenes.

I doubt that House was as aware as he makes out about what Benny was doing, he knew early on but certainly not early enough to stop Benny from hacking and obtaining a securitron along with getting the chip in the first place. I take it he was distracted by all the possibilities he was calculating of Vegas' success and growth with him steering and Benny as the new figure head, not because of any normal affection for Benny but the admiration of his capabilities. It's to be noted that House believed menial incentives (likely caps, booze, basic needs, etc..) were enough to keep Benny tame like the other Chairmen but, as evidenced by the Omertas and Mortimer in the WGS, this is not enough when it comes to more driven Vegas citizens. This implies he still undervalued Benny and created a space in which Benny felt the need to rebel.

House in my eyes is not sentimental in the traditional sense. I can imagine his pride was severely scorned as someone he certainly deemed dumber than him was, albeit only for a little, able to out-gambit him. It would definitely hit home seeing how his brother also betrayed him but I feel like that's why he's so apathetic when he tells the Courier to do as they see fit with Benny. I doubt the way he terrorized his brother brought him any emotional satisfaction other than a "Now who's in charge!" ego boost. Putting that same emotional intensity towards Benny isn't worth it because who does it benefit? Wasted time, wasted planning, and most importantly wasted potential are all he gets from continuing to be hands-on with Benny. I say the closest example is not being able to throw out old toys due to the memories attached but knowing it's necessary as they are broken or just taking up space for new ones, and then asking someone else to do it so you don't need to get caught up in the feelings of throwing something you put so much effort into. It's not Benny House cares about in my mind, not in a way that sounds healthy to any non-emotionally constipated individual, but what he could've represented for him, which is why he so quickly offers the same position to the Courier.

As for Benny's view on all of this, it was a long time coming. Benny didn't and doesn't believe House is a completely shitty boss. He admires what he's been shown and admits House knows how to run the strip, but disagrees with the directions. Ideologically, House is an anarcho-capitalist while Benny is just an anarchist. House wants to run the strip to profit, though money is not what he's concerned with being rich with anymore. Benny wants a free state that he wishes to become a place for the people, except for the Chairmen who would be on top (I like to remind people that Benny's motives were selfish but not for personal gain/power as was it for the people he actually saw as family). Benny was never looking for a father but a future. He was not interested in being adopted, or having the chairmen adopted, as bigger names still overshadowed in House's legacy.

Truly, it's easiest to summarize as House feeling strongly and thinking positively enough of Benny to start incorporating him into the future of Vegas (a huge honor actually) while Benny was so disillusioned by House's ego and indifference that he thought the only way Vegas could be the future is with House gone.

[auteurdefeu]

Can I ask to hear some of the thoughts about the crackship polycule

Alright, so. Welcome. This is gonna be a doozy. I will do my best to explain the timeline @turtlelover59 and I came up with and keep it PG-13 because it is A Lot at times. This started off as an idea about Fix&Pasha being FWB with Hunch, who is in an open relationship with Dan, and then it spiraled from there.

(I headcanon Dan as gender-fluid but will be using they/them pronouns in reference to them for this :p)

> Pre-Canon, Hunch and Pasha had feelings for each other in the countless times they crossed paths at work, but they never acted on it, putting their work first. Hunch always asked for her input on his cases when he could because she was so much smarter than her shitty desk job seemed to account for. He was truly fascinated by her, but he never found out her story until much Later.

> Hank made a point of mentioning that The Fix worked for several people at the table of PIs so I’m choosing to believe he was hired on occasion by Hunch, who took up a few important cases that needed someone eliminated. We all know Hunch’s track record in fights, so,,, he calls up someone capable, and their interactions were limited to that.

> Canon Shit Happens, Hunch realizes his feelings for Dan and helps to set up Pasha and Fix before he eventually gets with Dan. Around this time, Fix and Hunch also start getting closer, as a “friendship therapy” sorta thing, talking about their experiences on opposite sides of the law

> Dan learns about Hunch’s former crush on Pasha and teases him about it, encouraging him to follow through on it if she was open to it. Similarly, Pasha and Fix discuss their lack of romantic experiences before getting together and upon mentioning how she used to have feelings for Hunch, Fix gets curious heh. After much discussion, they propose having a few no-strings-attached Meetings to Try New Things (you can guess what I mean) and it’s absolutely fine, things are going well

> Surprise, strings are attached. Pasha and Hunch finally start to develop the relationship they were too scared to try all that time ago, and it’s around that time that Dan is invited to join a few of their Meetings, not wanting them to feel left out. Hunch is beginning to realize just how much he likes The Fix, while Fix is having a time-period-typical crisis about liking Men, and the fact that the last time he liked a man (M. Bition) his feelings were used and manipulated to get a job done

> Communication is hard especially for men so they just don’t talk about it until Hunch gets himself into trouble because of course he does. It's not until after they have him patched up and stable again that one of the Wayward Interests (their name is Skipper, a pirate interest, they'll be relevant later) tells Hunch how scared Fix was. Hunch had no idea Fix could be scared of anything, let alone for him, but they finally talk and realize just how much they mean to each other and make things official between them

> After the last bad injury, Hunch starts using his walking cane! (yes I'm projecting chronic pain onto him) He's had it for a while but was too stubborn to use it and thought people might view him as less capable because of it, but he does need it. His partners actively encourage the use of it once discovering he needs it (and tell him he's very handsome with it<3) and Fix goes as far as to get him a fancy one so he feels more inclined to use it. This means so much to me.

> Uncle Hunch and Auncle (genderfluid aunt-uncle) Fucks. Hunch gets along with all the kids, utterly adores them. He puts on little cloud-puppet shows for them, always having some sugar-coated stories of cases to tell. Dan always pretends to hate them, calling them little shits or rapscallions, but they love playing with them, chasing them and spinning them around, making them laugh. Skipper, the pirate interest, quickly becomes their favorite because the kid keeps challenging them to fight and is incredibly cocky and adventurous. Their stubbornness is perhaps a bit too similar to Hunch.

> While Hunch and Fix are developing their relationship, Pasha and Dan find themselves with more time together. Dan helps out with the kids as much as they insist they don’t like them, but could also be found helping around the kitchen (Fix and Hunch are banned. Hunch gets distracted and mixed together horrible things and then the appliances are all just too small for Fix so he breaks them). Not only that, but Dan’s into fashion and likes helping Pasha find outfits… especially for an upcoming Nondescript Fancy Party. While Fix and Hunch are playing catch-up in their relationship, Dan and Pasha dance the night away tonight and Dan realizes their feelings might be more than just Sexual Attraction.

> Dan and Pasha, as pleasure and passion, aren’t exactly sure what they are but there’s something there. They’ll figure it out in time… as far as they’re concerned, they’ve got all the time in the world. It would be absolutely terrible if something awful were to happen to The Four that deeply traumatized them and set them back from any advancements in their relationships because they had to be more concerned with processing their own shit first.

It gets way darker from there so I’ll leave it with that vague ominous mention. Somewhere in the mess of events, Hunch and Dan get engaged as well, and eventually unofficially adopt Skipper. Their jobs aren’t exactly kid-friendly and they’re both workaholics so they wouldn’t be able to fully accommodate having a kid but in their many visits to the orphanage, Skipper started calling them mama (Dan) and papa (Hunch, of course). To throw in some more fun things while we’re here, Anna has a sort of maternal relationship with Hunch, very much a tired mother making sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid. I’m all about those found family vibes if you couldn’t tell. Hunch also gets a little stray cat! This is not important at all, I just love cats.

Just a. a glimpse at the few things that I am leaving out for the sake of my sanity and the sanity of those who made it thus far in reading. The unmentioned timeline includes, but is not limited to, a near death experience, a brutal murder, extreme manipulation and child endangerment. It got REAAAAL bad and it keeps getting worse unfortunately. I adore these four but for some reason they can’t ever be happy… but! I’m writing something perhaps a bit more hopeful for ao3 to spread my silly gay agenda.

[immunologies]

look at my land developer dawg i’m going to jail 😫

lmao hiiii everyone! i’m anwar (not hadid) + always writing for underused model fcs but anywhooo — thank god for reopening bc i was supposed to app during the first launch but i was on vacation so my activity would’ve flopped real bad BUT… I’M HERE NOW… a lil jet lagged still but fuck it we ball :’) i present to you: iida!

navigate: general info / about / pinterest

sparknotes!

tw / suicide

okawara yosuke, 33 (proud twink death survivor btw he left that long haired era behind in his mid 20s), born and raised in fukuoka prefecture so you know he’s a bearer of the masculinized stereotype that kyushu men have but surprisingly his ego isn’t as fragile as i would expect it to be — i wonder why?

lower middle class to middle class financial status for the entirety of his childhood / it’s one of those things where as a kid you’re like “well, this is it” because you’re not fully aware that your family doesn’t have money on top of being surrounded by other kids who, in return, also come from families without bands so it is what it is / it can’t be that bad when your necessities have always been met

tbh there’s not much to write home about in terms of his childhood as in it was fortunately(?) uneventful for the most part despite starting off rocky: his mom was barely twenty when she birthed him, two freshly married young adults rushed into the hard-bitten chaos of childrearing, do they resent bro in absence of trying to enjoy the beginnings of their married life? probably, but it doesn’t matter by the time his younger brother is born, soo la voo or whatever the french be saying (tiktok reference btw if ur uncool)

yosuke is your average kyushu boy growing up: he spends his time outside rather than inside with his head in the books (it’s the same shit his teachers would always say about his lack of potential, ie: he’s lazy), has boyish fights with his younger and complete opposite of a younger brother, tries his best not to piss off his stay-at-home mom and stay away from his chronically emotionally constipated aviation mechanic drunk for a dad, you get the idea

…UNTIL the voices started to become apparent more than ever and he tells his mother who dismisses it but is reminded of her grandfather who unalived himself from alleged schizophrenia but nobody in her family knows if he ever got tested for it (y’know, if it was a genetic hereditary thing) or if it was just the aftermath of unresolved trauma/ptsd because grandpa fought in the war (you know which war) NOBODY KNOWS A GODDAMN THING. except yosuke as a child hated going to see his relatives in the far village/countryside on his mom’s hick side

lmao but when yosuke told his mom “yeah girly pop dad’s gonna have a shitty liver if he doesn’t stop drinking so much in the next couple years or so” is when she drops his ass off at a mental health facility so she definitely prioritizes her man over a kid that she wasted her 20s raising! (she’s definitely an unevolved libra no shade to yall sorry) but anywho! he’s diagnosed at 17, life is looking brighter(?), but his “schizophrenia” isn’t something talked about much at home because let’s be serious. it’s fucking abe shinzo’s japan at the time, we do not talk about shit like this

yosuke goes on to carry two jobs after high school because his parents didn’t save a college tuition fund for his lazy, non-academically inclined ass so it’s up to him to be the architect of his future / he’s psyched about entering the aviation department of kyoto university after working his ass off by trying to build a humble living but somebody’s bored and filthy rich daughter from a zainichi korean family comes into his life and what does he do? say goodbye to the ol’ pilot dream and traps this woman so he won’t ever have to worry about money like his family did

mind you he actually had love for the old girl! but he’s a gemini and gemini men get bored when you’re not their outstanding type or half as witty or clever as he may be. he knows that he’s settling for what poor lee jiyoung can do for him so after dating in college, yosuke goes on to marry the woman but never goes on to tell her about his “schizophrenia” because he’s scared that it’ll ruin his marriage (spoiler alert: it did)

so uh *scratches head and turns the page* they end up divorcing because his condition worsened as a result of his body becoming “immune” to the medications because he never had schizophrenia in the first place (ie: iida canon) — and he tried saving the relationship for the sake of his position at tk group, he really did, but at the end of the day he’s just some penniless, opportunistic man who failed to completely use up his wife’s beneficiaries. but again, he’s a gemini man who’s good at playing the part of using his “mental health” as a crutch of their failed marriage instead of being exposed for taking advantage of his ex-wife financially

(trust me he’d rather be that Type of Shitty instead of portrayed as the Exploitative Type of Shitty because it gets some pity points on his end. believe the scheme!)

so now? okawara yosuke takes up the tk group’s little passion project proposal with goero because it’s a chance at redemption. he needs to prove one way or another that he’s worthy of his job, that he’s the right man for it, his undying loyalty to the corp (questionable :3), and he’s taken the more political and diplomatic approach of gravitating/winning the trust or appeal to goero’s inhabitants instead of the founding families ‘cause his coworker’s already doing that anyways — he understands his shortcomings as a foreigner (more so as a japanese guy telling yall what to do with the land so goero can prosper financially and commodity-speaking for trade.. and commerce..) so if he can strengthen his morale to the people even if it doesn’t mean the quota won’t be met — yosuke would prefer that for the sake of ethics. he will promise the residents of goero that much: business or not.

that is all. i think. :-) i’ll be yapping for specifics on discord if needed be

personality!

likes to think of himself as an ambivert over being written off as an extrovert which is kinda true? despite being a professional yapper with those he’s suuuuper comfortable with, he finds that people who don’t match or vibe with him tire him out very quickly / genuinely a very friendly person and is emotionally inhibited probably as a result of his career where logic/numbers/analytics are concerned so yosuke prefers to focus on reason over the “possibilities” … even tho he would like to be that optimistic / isn’t one to have an extreme temper, but can be prone to outbursts if incompetence is in question / really. really. hates the notion of being black-or-white on many matters as life usually puts him in the grey area so. u know. atm doesn’t have any ulterior motives because he doesn’t have it in him anymore to be evil or whatever. he ran out of plans. just trying do the right thing from here on out, so, let him help you! bro’s probably a lawful neutral man i know i’m sorry for being boring :/ c’est la vie

connections!

i prefer brainstorming over anything and i’m down for just about everything so hit me

[elisysd]

56. I know you're scared and your pain is imperfect but don't you give up on yourself

Masterlist - Previously - Next

Chapter soundtrack: Hold my hand - Lady Gaga

Her therapist’s office had a view on the harbor. It had been nice, the first time she had been there but today it was foggy and it was raining, a weather she was not used to.

“How are you since our first session, Julia?” Doctor Francis asked.

“Okay… I thought a lot about what you said, I’ve made a list.” she replied, giving it her notes as he started to read them.

“Well, that’s a long list.”

“I have many problems.”

“I can see that. Well, let’s get started, shall we?”

They spend the hour talking about her childhood and her relationship with her parents. How much she idolized her dad and wanted to make him proud. So much that she had developed, with time, a spirit of overachiever, overthinker and perfectionist doubled with a feeling that she always had to prove she was the best. She had put so much pressure on herself since a very young age that as an adult, she always needed to make sure she was controlling everything, from relationships, to career goals and her feelings.

And her traumatic school experience had just accentuated what she was already. In order to protect herself, she had become such a people pleaser that she had never taken the time to fully get to know who she was and who she wanted to become. At the end of the session she was exhausted from having cried throughout the whole hour.

“How do you feel now that we explored who you were?”

“Like a shitty human being. I feel like a gigantic stuck up bitch. I’ve never wanted to be that…”

“We can add to the list, a tendency to self-pity.”

“Gosh, thanks doc… as if I wasn't down enough.”

“When I told you that my methods could be considered as unusual and that some people were finding them brutal, you told me that it was exactly what you needed. I’m not here to make you feel nice about yourself. I’m here to make you feel uncomfortable so you can move forward in your life. The first step is acknowledging your flaws.”

“What is the next one?” she asked, a bit cautiously.

“Forcing you to let go of the feeling of control you feel like you need to have.”

“And how are you planning to do that?”

“Have you ever thought of skydiving, miss Leclerc?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Not at all. It would force you to give full control over your life to someone else. It might be a good wake up call.” he explained.

“I think I’ve had enough wake up calls for the foreseeable future, doctor.”

“Does the perspective of it give you anxiety?”

“Does it give me anxiety? Of course! It’s so risky and there are so many parameters like, is the person I would be jumping with is qualified enough? Is the company I would go to not shady? Is the material safe? Like… we are talking about life -threatening situations, doc!”

“I know, that’s why I recommend you to do that but if you’re not ready to do so… I mean, I’ve already noted that you were a coward when it came to some situations, that would be just one more proof.”

She glared at him, clenching her jaw. She knew he was trying to get a reaction out of her and it was working.

“I’m not a coward. And fine, I’ll do it.”

“Don’t do it alone. I was thinking that you could go with your dad. A way to let go of both your need for control and your need to be perfect for him.”

“He has already done that in the past…”

“Good, so you have a way to feel safe.”

“I would have to admit, feeling safe is not the word I would use when I’m thinking of skydiving…” she mumbled.

When she told her mom what her therapist had advised her, Lyanna laughed so hard that Bailey started to approach her to check if she was alright.

“I’m sorry, darling, it’s just that out of all activities I thought you would one day do, skydiving is far away on the list.”

“It was not even on mine at all.”

Her mom didn’t have the time to reply that her dad was parking in the driveway. As soon as he entered the room, Lyanna started to tell him the news as he joined her into her laughter.

“I would love to go with you. I can have it planned for tomorrow, I have an old friend that would be delighted to make us jump.”

“Tomorrow? This soon?”Julia repeated, stuttering a little. “I’m not sure I’m ready to go this soon and…”

“The goal is for you to stop thinking, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Then stop thinking. We’ll go tomorrow.”

That was how she had found herself the next day, in a plane in the middle of the afternoon. Her heart was beating loud and fast in her rib cage and she felt as if she was about to throw up and pass out. She was holding onto her seat for dear life and refused to open her eyes, even less to move.

“I have to get you ready.” her partner told her.

“I’m not strapping myself to you until you tell me for how long you’ve been doing that and how many jumps you have done in the past.”

“Julia, Antoine is our most experienced guy, you don’t have to fear anything.” explained Luc, the guy her dad had called and to who he was strapped to.

Reluctantly, she let Antoine take care of her. She intently listened to him, asked him to repeat the instructions three times, until she was sure she would know exactly how it would all go. As they were about to jump, she turned to him.

“I’m absolutely terrified. I’m going to scream very loudly, I’m sorry in advance.”

“It’s okay, I’m used to it, don’t worry.”

She was about to add something but didn’t have the time as Antoine just decided to make the jump. She felt like her heart was in her throat. Her ears were ringing as multiple bad scenarios were running in her mind. To her, it seemed like a lifetime until Antoine opened the parachute and when she finally opened her eyes she was amazed. The sun was starting to set, plunging the valley in a beautiful nuance of gold. Up in the sky, floating away, for the first time in her life she felt truly free. She took a deep breath, enjoying the feeling and the cold hair slapping her face. And when they finally touched the ground, the first thing she did was to run to her dad.

“That was so amazing! When are we coming back?”

Charles looked at her bright smile that was reaching her eyes and her red cheeks. For a minute Julia reminded him of the child she once was, full of life, ready to try new things and a bit careless. He laughed, ruffling her hair as she complained before taking her in his arms.

“Next time, I’m taking you to the mountains for ski touring.”

Needless to say that she was very proud of her when she went back to her therapist and told him with a smug look on her face that she had done it, even showed him the pictures the team had taken of her and her dad.

“What did you learn about yourself with this experience?” asked doctor Francis.

“Well… that it was useless to worry about things that were not going to happen. That I could rely on people, that it was not putting me in dangerous situations. That it was okay to give up on control… sometimes.”

Her therapist nodded, writing down a few things in his notebook.

“I’m glad to hear it. We are going to be able to move forward now.”

The next sessions were focused on her relationships. She had cried a lot, refusing to say out loud what she was feeling.

“Why is it so hard to say that you love them?”

“Because then when they leave it will hurt too much. If I keep them at bay, it can’t hurt me.”

“Have you ever told someone that you love them?”

“My brother because he needs to hear it and because he doesn’t feel things like us so I have this need to make sure he knows it. And Ethan… But I had already lost him back then.”

“Never to your parents?”

“I mean, when I was younger I guess? And they know anyway. Same for my friends, they know I do love them.”

“And to yourself?”

She laughed in disbelief.

“Well… who does that? Isn’t it a little egocentric? I have a lot of flaws but being self-centered isn’t one of them.”

“If it can improve your self-esteem, I don't think it’s a bad thing. For our next session, I want you to think about what makes you a good person, the things that you’re proud of.”

Little by little, session by session, hours after hours, Julia could feel herself getting better, understanding herself better and trying to get rid of her bad habits. It wasn’t easy, she still had setbacks and was falling into her old ways easily but now that she could identify them, it made her life a little better. She still had a hard time expressing her feelings, and the first time she had told her mom, on her therapist's advice, that she loved her, Lyanna had not known what to reply. Julia had immediately closed off, finding excuses as her mom felt bad.

“I’m sorry, darling, it’s just that I didn’t expect you to say this… of course I love you too.”

She had even cried to her therapist when she had told him how rejected she had felt which she knew was stupid. He had explained that it was normal to feel that expressing her love was putting her out of her comfort zone and how it made her feel vulnerable. She just had to put herself out there more often, even if it was frightening. As they were talking, doctor Francis could see that something was bothering her and when he asked, she simply replied that her dad was leaving later tonight for the US for three weeks. And she wouldn’t go with him.

“I know it’s for the best but…”

“It doesn’t make it less hard.” Doctor Francis finished at her place.

“Yeah…”

“Have you thought about what you would like to do for the next year?”

“I tried to but I’m lost…”

“Well, is there something that matters a lot to you, that you feel is important?”

“I mean… yeah, but it’s linked to F1 and I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“Do tell.”

“I mean… There is this girl, Audra, who told me that she wants to be like me when she grows up. It warmed my heart, really, it made me feel like I mattered, that I was maybe a source of inspiration for young girls… but I know how tough this world is for girls and even worse for disabled ones. I wish I could do something about it but I don’t know where to go.”

“Isn’t there an organization or someone who works in the federation that could help you?”

“I mean, I guess but I’m not sure I want my name to be out there.”

“It doesn’t have to be if you request it.”

“I guess I just have to think about it some more. Maybe ask around.”

She kept that thought in her head until she got home. She absent-mindedly got back to her room and sat at her desk, opening her notepad to write down her ideas. But facing a white page, she quickly gave up. The dinner was nice, the family was enjoying their last moments together before they would reunite in Vegas.

“You didn’t talk much tonight…” her mom said as they were doing the dishes.

“Yeah, I’m thinking about something.”

“Care to tell me more?”

“I want to help women and disabled people to make it in F1 whether it is as an engineer, in marketing, PR, mechanics… I don’t care. I want to help them. But I don’t know how. I don’t know if I want my name to be associated with it either. I don’t know what I can do, exactly. I just have this idea.”

“I think it’s amazing, Julia. I don’t know how I can help you but I know that Seb and Lewis can. Lewis works in the inclusive department at the FIA and Seb has some contacts that he used to help Romy get into F1 in the first place. You should ask them.”

“I think I will. Thank you.” she smiled, kissing her mom’s cheek as she was about to leave the room.

“Julia, hey…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m proud of you. I’m proud of what you’re becoming.”

She spent the next few days planning out her idea. She wanted to come with an already well thought project, something that was strong enough to be considered and not looked upon. She wanted to be taken seriously, especially after the cheating suspicions, she knew she wouldn’t be trusted that easily. She had spent nights, turning again and again in her bed trying to think about a perfect idea until it hit one day as she was hunting the city center in search of an open bakery. She had come across Audra and her aunt she lived at, after her parents’ death. They had chatted a little and Audra’s aunt had told her that Julia was all her niece was talking about, that she wanted to work on cars later. Julia had blushed.

“The only thing is that Audra is not very good at math, she is trying but she would need private lessons and I don’t have the money to finance them.”

“I can help! For free. I’m not very busy at the moment.”

“I don’t want to bother you…”

“Please, auntie! Please!” Audra begged.

“Well… if you’re sure and if it really doesn’t bother you, here’s my number. Text me your disponibilities and I’ll see if we can find a time that will work for all of us.”

Coming back home, she had sat by her bedroom window and written a whole plan of what she wanted to do.

Now she was hesitatingly staring at the screen of her phone, wondering if she really should call Lewis. She had already texted him to know if she could talk to him about something she had thought of and he hadn’t been far from reluctant when she said she wanted to help on improving the inclusivity and diversity inside the motorsport. But now she was doubting. What if it wasn’t as good as what she had thought? What if he was laughing because he couldn’t take her seriously?

“Come on, Julia… stop overthinking. You can do this. You are smart, your plan is detailed, the objectives are clear, you are passionate, he will see it. It will be fine.” she mumbled to herself, following her therapist advice about hyping her own self up.

She took a deep breath and called the number. He quickly answered and after a little small talk, asking her how she was doing he asked her about what she wanted to talk about.

“Well… a few weeks ago, I met a group of kids and there was this one girl in a wheelchair who told me she wanted to be an engineer in F1 one day. It got me thinking about how this world is not nice with people that are not rich, white and who are not men or to people who have disabilities. You went through it, I did, Romy, Chloe and I could ask every woman in the paddock, I’m sure they will have the same speech as me. And I know, efforts are being made, I know that you are working hard for the sport to be more inclusive but it’s still not it. We are still far behind what we could be. What we should be. And it pains me and it angers me to know that Audra will face so many setbacks or to even think that she won't be able to make it because she doesn’t have the money, she is a girl and she is in a freaking wheelchair. And she is just an example amongst many others? How many Romy, Audra or me are out there? How many of them don’t have the resources to make their dreams come true? So, I gave it some thoughts… Well, a lot of thoughts and I had this idea. Just like every team has their academy of young drivers, what if the FIA had its own academy of young talents, of kids who dream of working in motorsport? What if we were organizing summer camps to teach them what it is like to be in mechanics, engineering, in IT, software departments… whatever. What if we were actively helping them to discover the different sectors, organizing internships in partnerships with teams? What if we had teachers to help them improve in classes they are having a hard time? What if we had conferences with professionals who work in motorsport? And we could follow them from a young age until they go to college and land a job somewhere. Imagine how rewarding it could be. For them, for the sport. Sometimes, they just need a little bit of help to break the glass ceiling. I want to be that help.”

Hearing Lewis' silence on the other end of the line, she feared that she had gone overboard, that it was too much and not doable, that she had made a fool of herself. After all, who was she to tell him how to do his job?

“Do you think you can prepare a presentation of your project? I’m going to make a few phone calls and organize a meeting where we could talk more about your project. See what we can do.”

“For real?”

“If they are on board with it, it will be a lot of work to make your vision come true. How much are you willing to get yourself involved?”

“I don’t have anything to do for the next year, I can go all in. After that… well, we’ll see.”

When they hung up, Julia burst out of joy, jumping around. She ran down the stairs to hug her mom, telling her in detail what Lewis had told her. It was going to be a lot of work but she was ready and she couldn’t wait.

She spent the next few days working on her presentation, adding new ideas to the project like a special scholarship. She started to dream about how maybe one day the FIA could have its own school. She was so invested in it that she couldn’t stop talking about it. She had told her dad who was fully supporting her, Romy had gasped telling Julia how amazing her idea was and how she didn’t understand no one thought about it before. She had even told her therapist who for the first time congratulated her for her progress. The only person who didn’t know it was Ethan. She wanted to have his opinion but for an unknown reason she was scared. Maybe because his point of view meant so much to her that she feared a lack of enthusiasm would disappoint her and make her doubt herself. She wanted him to be proud of her, to see that she was changing for the better. She ended up calling him, right after the media day, in the middle of the night for her.

“Joolsie? Aren’t you supposed to sleep?” he told her, surprised.

“Maybe I should yeah, but… I wanted to talk to you about something important.”

“Is it bad?”

“No! I don’t think so… I just want to know what you would think of it.”

And she told him in detail all about her project and how she actually had her presentation at the beginning of the next week. When she stopped, Ethan was speechless.

“ You will never stop surprising me, you know.” he breathed.

“So, you like it?”

“You know what would be nice to add to your very well thought plan?”

“Tell me. I haven’t thought everything through.”

“Well… motorsport is very competitive, you know that. What about making them compete with each other? And not in a stupid academic way. For example, when a kid is joining the program, you ask them which team is his favorite. Let’s say they answer Maserati…”

“Of course…” she playfully rolled her eyes.

“Shut up. So, they joined Maserati. They meet other kids who joined Maserati too. But some of them answered Ferrari, Mercedes, even Skoda. I'm sure they have their fans, somewhere… And you make them compete between teams, like in F1. You build activities, contests, whatever suits best and at the end of the summer if you are doing a summer camp, the team that wins gets to meet the drivers, team principal, visit the factory and all… And to develop their own competitive instinct, the best kid of each team gets to spend a few days in the factory of teams to see what it is like to work on a car?

“Ethan… you are a genius.”

“I know. It can happen, sometimes.”

“I love when we work together. We are a great team.” she said.

“Yeah… it could have been for real if you had accepted Christian’s offer.”

Julia didn’t know what to answer. Thankfully, Ethan seemed to notice what he had just said as he started to apologize.

“It’s fine. I don’t blame you.”

“I’m just a little tired… I know it doesn’t excuse it but some questions were really stupid.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. They don’t deserve to be talked about. I just got back to the hotel, I’m going to take a shower and relax. And you missy, you have to sleep. You have a lot of work to prepare.”

“I know… I’m just happy to talk to you.”

“I’m happy to hear your voice too.” he confessed.

“How do you feel about the weekend?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure we have the car for Austin. We’ll see tomorrow but I’m not expecting us to be very high.”

Julia repressed a yawn.

“You’re tired. And don’t try to tell me otherwise, I heard you. You have to sleep.”

“I think it would be best, yeah.”

“And don’t worry about the presentation, you’ll rock their world. They would be stupid to not listen to you.”

“I hope you’re right. And don’t worry as well about the weekend. You’ll be amazing. And I’ll be watching.”

“Call me to debrief the race?” he asked.

“I can even call you after the qualifying to talk about strategy.” she replied with a smile as her eyelids started to feel heavy.

Author's note: I had fun writing this chapter! I hope you had fun reading it!

What do you think will happen next? Let me know your theories, I love to read them.

Don't hesitate to leave a comment or an ask, as well as reblogging and leaving a like. Besides the fact that I absolutely love to read you, it helps a lot for the story to find its audience. I also have a taglist for this story, so if you want to be added so you never miss a chapter, let me know.

Taglist:

@herondalism @aundercover @musingsbyshreya @karmabyfernando @reengard @mycenterfold @smoooothoperator

[avatorofthelonely]

Yeah, I wanted the fandom to just accept that none of these characters will see the pearly gates and that's where the appeal of the show is but I know I'm asking too much of a fandom. by the way jmart should have been more shitty

On none of them seeing the pearly gates: so true anon.

This is why I get annoyed when the fandom demonizes the female characters and then blorbos the men. As if Jon isn’t quite literally an eldritch monster who can smite down anyone he wants and eats people’s trauma. As if Elias isn’t literally the villain who orchestrated the ending of the world. As if Martin doesn’t actively encourage his bf to go on a killing spree. I mean as much as I love him — Tim’s slate isn’t even completely clean — he actively agrees with Gertrude sacrificing her assistants (more on that here).

That being said I don’t actually dislike jmart. It’s not my favorite ship for either of them but I enjoy it, I reblog it, I have feels over it all the time.

Honestly the biggest issue for me is I have trouble buying Jon’s insta-love for Martin at the end of season 4. I just think we get too little indication from Jon prior to the “let’s gouge our eyes out and runaway together,” to fully buy it — that said, I’m willing to work with it bc Jon is definitely an ‘all or nothing’ type.

So I solve this with headcanons. In my hc, Jon’s feelings for Martin began in season 2 when Martin confessed to lying in his cv. Afterward, finally understanding Martin, who to Jon had previously been a bit of an enigma, Jon becomes more sympathetic to him. Overtime, given that Jon’s type is definitely “soft but has a nice and knows how to use it,” he started to develop feelings for Martin.

That being said, I do concur that the writing for a relationship that began as “agitated boss and mildly vexing employee,” definitely could have gone south very quickly and they kinda solve too many of their relationships problems too quickly.

[soleminisanction]

Random question because I’m bored lol:

Do you have any favorite Batman fanon? Any least favorite? For example I really like the fanon that Tim has a passion for photography because I think it’s a neat hobby but I really dislike the pit madness fanon because it demonizes mental illness and is used as a way to gloss over Jason’s wrongdoings

I'm with you on the pit madness fanon. I find it much more interesting for Jason to simply grow as a character and realize, "Oh fuck, I was lashing out and using my trauma to justify traumatizing other people wasn't I? Fuck that was shitty, I need to do better." Makes him a much more relatable character.

As for a favorite, I have a soft spot for the idea of Tim following Bruce and Dick/Jay around with his camera even though it's not strictly canon. I honestly think that one's an understandable thing for fandom to fill in for a few different reasons. Tim's introduction in A Lonely Place of Dying is one of them -- he had some decent photography and development skills for a 13 year old working with a film camera and presumably developing the pictures on his own given that he wouldn't have wanted to risk a photo lab seeing what he was up to. There's also the fact that the "Batman and Robin are urban legends" cover introduced by Zero Hour would've eliminated a lot of the newspaper clippings and such that made up Tim's scrap book originally so filling that in with his own work makes sense. The DCAU version was also established as having watched Bruce and Dick fight crime from afar using binoculars while he was living in the city -- and, given that Tim's father at the very least had an inner-city penthouse before moving into Drake Manor, that's not too far off for canon!Tim either.

And finally, as technology had evolved and cameras become more ubiquitous, it makes a lot of sense to me for there to be an entire Gotham based subculture of "Batwatching." Like you could totally streamline a modern adaptation of Tim's story by saying he was active in an online Batwatching community and happened to see Dick perform his quadruple somersault in either a vid posted on one of their sites or while collecting footage on his own. Maybe he even meets Bernard at Batwatchers meet up, that'd make a lot of sense.

So yeah, that's my preference: Timmy the Batwatcher. It just makes sense!

[m00n-pr1sm]

despite me having a 60 slide presentation that is 9k words titled “morgana pendragon did nothing wrong”, I do in fact! think she has done bad things. the main gripe I have with everything is how genuinely shitty her development is, like this point has been hammered in a million times atp and I’m probably not adding anything new to the convo but let me rant, one day I’ll write a polished explanation or whatever but I’m just annoyed + me explaining why she’s not a good person :3 + my thoughts

I think morgana is a wonderfully established character, she’s someone who was willing to stand up for what she believed in and actively call out uther’s actions; as well as being willing to cross morally questionable lines to achieve what she genuinely thought was for the best. she was complex and honestly so interesting in the earlier seasons, we saw her struggles and genuinely empathized with her desire of acceptance and the fear of persecution. Also girlie had nightmares constantly like I can only imagine how tiring that shit is. but then s3 happened and her development took a complete nose dive! like I understand why she did what she did in s2e12, I think it’s a fine episode but I do wish they established the morgana + morgause relations better than they did in canon, like if you’re going to make a character do a complete 180, at least show the time period between that? because morgana was so clearly shaken but what she had done in s2e12, she had shut down basically and was struggling to cope with what she had done through the entire episode. Like I’m sure you could fill in the gaps but it’s just poor writing, show, don’t just imply that morgause became this figure in morgana’s life that she held up with such reverence and how she basically absorbed her values to just become this hollow antagonist that just has silly little schemes every episode in s3. like we already established how she had a desire for acceptance we should’ve show morgause grow into that. Also the fact that she brings up the poisoning like one time??? and never had any heart to heart with Merlin? Like I get that she was too unwilling to compromise on her values (and she’s ne polr-) but it’s far too quick of a shift in her character. She went from feeling immense guilt of her actions to smugly wanting Camelot to fall, like at least show some ambivalence or some kind of self doubt if you’re going to make her turn to evil off screen??? I’ll probably always be upset that they removed that scene in s3e13 where morgana was like “I felt like a monster (bc of my magic) and morgause was the only one there for me”, like that simple line, while implied w/o that scene, just has a lot of depth to her and explains it explicitly (also I feel like that would be the last thing to break uther so yeah I wish they didn’t delete that one). circling back, but I actually really love s3e05 (it’s one of my faves) because it just expands so much on how much she genuinely wants to be loved and how volatile morgana has become to rejection; like she is genuinely so desperate. I think from then on, morgana sorta imprints the idea of being “uther’s daughter”, thus trying to fit herself into that role (but that is very much a headcanon). From s3+ her mission is just “I want to kill Arthur (and emyrs) so I can be queen because I deserve it” but it’s totally about her bringing magic back! I think she comes to see Arthur as nothing more than an extension of uther (something that she does call him out her in earlier seasons) but I also believe that there is envy there! because he recognizes him as her son ofc but denies morgana of that, so she seeks to destroy what she cannot have (sx4???). of course her whole pursuit of emyrs which is just born of self-preservation. I actually appreciate s4 morgana bc of the fact that she’s is more vulnerable than in s3, like she’s just a lonely fool in the woods w/o any real friends bc she’s lost them all. and she contemplates sometimes. silly. also I like that we got a slight taste of distressed morgana who always sought out reassurance in s4e13, like girlie needs someone to tell her that’s everything will be okay and that is why morgwen is the best ship ever + why she is so emotionally volatile bc she is w/o that

Although I do wish they focused on her skill of social engagement, like she had so many ally ships and a clear ability to read and manipulate emotions, but whatever ig. It’s sad to see how much her world has really changed and her world view being so messed up and so black and white (like she also was pretty polarized in the earlier seasons but like those values she held made more moral sense + she felt guilt) also I think it’s important to bring up how her talking to emyrs in s4e06 being like “Arthur will never accept you, magic will only come back once I rule” as a play to distract him. also it’s genuinely so fucked up that she was locked in the bottom of a well for 2 years w/o light or movement like??? That is genuinely such a messed up thing I don’t think the show or fandom talks about enough. It’s literally a complete loss of her agency and freedom which I do believe is something that morgana values a lot, to always do some kind of action, she’s never been a stagnant character and to just. be stuck powerless and immobile for 2 years with the one creature that you’ve bonded with and loved and saw as you’re only campaign, like aithsa saved morgana; just suffer in such a painful and cruel way? LIKE WHY DO WE NOT TALK ABT IT MORE??

I guess I’ll talk abt s5 right now lol or just read my slideshow rant abt one of my gripes lol but yeah the writing takes another nosedive in s5, morgana just becomes really more one dimensional, although I’m glad that they at least addressed her and Gwen’s relationship, albeit in a very messed up way. But yeah her desperation for Gwen finally got the best of her and I truly believe that was the main purpose and not just her being used as a tool for assassinating Arthur. One think they should’ve done more was Morgana’s descent into madness and delusion, like she’s actually unhinged by the final few episodes and ofc that was caused by mordred’s death but I do wish that was just a theme in her character. I suppose it could parallel how uther shut down into numbness but morgana just became increasingly more volatile (it is 2am I am def grasping for straws). One day I write a proper uther and morgana parallels rant. Anyways her death scene is nice ig, she never did get the satisfaction of seeing Arthur die. anyways her entire character from s3+ is the sunk cost fallacy, she’s in too deep and she could never pull out. I haven’t watched bojack but I would’ve loved if they made her like Diane in how she feels like she needs to write her book to make her trauma productive in some way (“if I don’t then that means that all the damage I got isn’t good damage it’s just damage and all those years I was miserable I could’ve been happy this whole time. blah blah “what was it all for?”, from memory so if there’s a mistake that is why). She needs to take out all her years of hurt and rejection and someway by embodying that and doing it to everyone in her life ((for that reason)unconsciously) but I mean it’s not like they really imply that in canon, I’m probably reading too much into it. But yeah she’s selfish and hypocritical. At least she continued in being way too overbearing in her personal judgments (MY ESI WIFE (REAL))

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Whomst’s Predictions for Ep 7 of Only Friends: SandRay Edition (spoilers)

Focusing on the “Rockstar and DisasterKitten” pairing here, because 1.) I’m wary of Boston and Nick’s never ending competition to be the bigger creep, 2.) the lesbians will overcome because they’re lesbians and we are capable of anything, and 3.) I am DYING for Mew’s villain era to take off next episode, so folks…it’s time for me to Overthink about SandRay.

Episode 6…Welp. Ray has hit rock bottom. I’ve been thinking from the start that this might need to happen, that Ray has been going through the motions of life while hurting himself and others for so long, it’s painful and unsustainable and he needs to face the music (IF ONLY HE KNEW A MUSICIAN OR SOMETHING FFS).

And it’s not just him that will benefit! His friend group is already splintered and becoming toxic—as Ray is one of the core members most invested and loyal to it, he is going to need to get his act together if their friend group is gonna survive and evolve to something healthy.

(Side note that while I love, love, LOVE, Mew’s little plot to confront Top about his infidelity alone, which he did in the most unhinged way possible—good for him—I’m also not crazy about Mew deciding to let his least-stable friend be seen as the bad guy by all their friends in the name of this scheme, and I hope he fixes that)

So. While I didn’t want to see Ray hurt, I think it was inevitable (to some degree) that for a big change to happen, he was going to need a wakeup call of sorts. Ray being Ray means this wakeup call would be as a result of his self-destructiveness. But I think this is what is going to turn things around—what I’m seeing in the trailer for the next episode already points to a Ray who is quieter, maybe more thoughtful, passing time with both Sand and his friends.

And as for Sand…sweet baby sunRay’s been barely avoiding havoc for years, and now the worst has happened—friendships ruined (he thinks), love interest pushed away, himself as the perceived cause of it all—so where does Ray go from here? Who sticks around when the chips are down?

AHEM. WE ALREADY KNOW WHO.

The guy who knows Ray’s bullshit and has seen and experienced the worst he can dish out, this is the guy who sees that sopping wet stray kitten in the alley and is like, you know what? I’m feeding him and giving him a bath.

I think we can all agree that Sand is one of the standout characters on this show by virtue of being done with everyone’s shit, but in episode 6, we saw him (along with everyone else) pushed to the limit of good/remotely sane decisions. Sand also needs to recognize that constant mini-dates, meeting his mom, deep emotional conversations and passionate sex have maybe caused them both to grow feelings. Oops.

And that’s why I’m a little worried.

Despite Sand’s maturity, boundaries, and self-care, we can see that he is only human and capable of falling into the same messes as other people. The big difference is that unlike literally everyone else, he holds himself accountable for things and takes responsibility for his impact on other people. And in episode 6, it was his decision to get the clip of Top and Boston, send it to Ray and tell him about his ex and Top, all while trying to maintain an air of distance, that constant refrain of “I don’t care what you do, it’s not like we’re together” in the aftermath of Boyfriend Activities.

The last part I kinda get—what a shitty birthday for Ray, realizing the guy you are falling for, who you maybe thought was developing feelings for you, has nursed feelings for someone else, and you feel too proud and scared and hurt to try to talk through it.

But it’s Sand giving Ray that info about Top that directly precipitates the disaster at Mew’s birthday party—following that, Ray hurls horrible insults at Sand in some desperate attempt to figure out what they are to each other (will Sand stay? will he give up on Ray and leave him? Ray is painfully vulnerable in his anger and confusion here) and drives off, clearly drunk. And yes, it’s Ray’s decision to get drunk and make an absolute mess before storming off into a dangerous situation (which he needs to hold himself accountable for), but Sand isn’t like Ray’s other friends and he feels responsible for Ray, even if he isn’t. So knowing that something bad happens to Ray after all of that mess—I think Sand is going to feel guilty.

For a guy as responsible and mature as Sand, stealing/sending that video and using Ray as the intermediary (regardless of intentions) was a low point for him, and I think he’s going to feel guilt for feeding into Ray’s self-destructive habits. This whole time, he’s managed to keep his hands clean of the Drama, but he decided to engage this time for the sake of revenge and it has collapsed spectacularly, with (he thinks) Mew staying with Top and Ray being the one to get hurt.

My prediction for next episode is that Ray will start getting his shit together—relying on his friends for real talk and support instead of drunken superficial reassurance, hopefully dialing back the substance abuse, taking a look in the mirror and making changes without hating himself. They need to TALK. Without alcohol or pride or insecurity clouding their speech.

So while Ray has hit rock bottom, Sand has to reassess things, too—in the trailer we see him caring for the injured Ray, because kiddo cannot stay away, “oh Ray’s the one addicted to me” uhhuh sweetie keep telling yourself that—and I think it’s time they get on the same page. I think they have the potential to be incredibly good for each other, they just need the chance to be honest and stop hiding.

UGH WHY ISNT IT THE 23RD NOWWW

[findyourrp]

F20+ here! I am: 

an experienced advanced literate | novella roleplayer.

enjoy dark / dead dove themes, explicit content, nsfw, unhealthy/toxic dynamics, and more elements that I’d like to discuss privately!

prefer the pairing MxF (with me portraying the F role) 

Hello everyone! Not a very well-written ad, but submitting it nevertheless. I have over a decade of active experience in roleplaying as well as writing independently, though I have a strong preference for collaborating with others and creating stories filled with twists, depth and intrigue. I write 500-600 words minimum, as I enjoy incorporating purple prose, meaning plenty of description and detail, and I have no maximum word count nor an average length as I love to adapt to my partner and will go as far as 3k. I write only on discord since the server organization there is a godsend, and I’d never miss an opportunity to gush over our characters, spend hours on finding aesthetic pictures and making moodboards, oc playlists, all that. 

Right now, there are two original prompts I’m looking to explore. Keep in mind that both will contain dark, disturbing, and uncomfortable themes that might not be for everyone, to put it simply, but if either of these sounds like something you’d be interested in, don’t hesitate to like this ask and I’ll reach out to you!

Character A is a genius (aka psychopath)—so much so, that his intelligence, academic excellence, and the psychopathic traits of his behavior have made him an outcast and victim of severe bullying. As much as he’s smart, he has never been physically strong enough to defend himself or fight back… until Character B comes into the picture: a rough, tattooed, headstrong delinquent, whom witnesses the bullying one day and saves him. From then on, they slowly develop a friendship as he helps her study properly and pass her tests and, in exchange, she doesn’t let anyone lay a hand on him, and though Character B has only ever viewed him as a friend, Character A’s feelings grow into something more. Eventually they graduate, and due to circumstances, lose contact as life takes them on very different paths… until some years later, where they meet again. How do they reunite? Does Character B apply for a job at Character A’s business, never expecting to be hired or for him to turn out to be the chairman/boss? Does Character A find her by coincidence, working some shitty job at a gas station? Either way, the moment Character A sees her again, the old infatuation he’d felt comes crashing back, and at first, he’s determined to repay her for everything she had done for him in the past and perhaps even rekindle their friendship. But then… How dare she not be grateful? How dare she resist everything he’s trying to give her, to do for her? His obsession becomes sick, disturbing, and as their dynamic starts to shift into something much darker, he decides he’s never going to let her go again. [I would like to play Character B in this scenario]

Character A and Character B grew up in the same orphanage, and were close friends despite being complete opposites. Whilst Character A was quickly adopted by a wonderful couple, thrived in school, and was overall the golden child, Character B always caused trouble and was never wanted by anyone due to his problematic behavior. Eventually, as they grew older, they began to go down different routes, with Character A getting a scholarship and Character B getting involved with gangs, crime, etc. They lose contact, or rather Character A purposely cuts off all connection to him as she realizes that he is no longer the kid she used to know, and so years pass following her disappearance from his life. She graduates, gets married/engaged, has a great job, great friends.. her life is pretty much perfect, until she begins to get strange texts from an unknown number, gifts, things in her house misplaced, an unfamiliar car waiting outside her house at late hours of the night, the feeling of being watched and followed.. is it Character B? [I would like to play Character A in this scenario]

None of the details are set in stone and can be changed or altered to your preference, and I can’t wait to hear your ideas. Minors DNI! ❤️

.

[casliveblog]

Custom Toonami Block Week 193 Rundown

The Witch from Mercury: So this is a “shit hits the fan episode” Guel is gunning for Shaddiq with the Witch Hunters backing him up. This causes Shaddiq to hit the ‘fuck it we ball’ phase of his plan and goes out to confront Guel to stall until they can move his father to a new location. He also lets everyone out of the closet of hostages, leaving Norea to go on a rampage and try and destroy the school while Fake Ceres #2 tries to stop her because he’s suddenly developed empathy thanks to relating to someone that just doesn’t want to fucking die. The school goes into lockdown and Suletta is surprisingly passive during all this since yeah her main weapon is currently literally on another planet, and Petra gives off every death flag in the world so she can die tragically in front of her. Chuchu concludes her struggle with relevance by getting a new mobile suit to fight off Norea’s Gunbits and even reunites with Nika to get it tuned up. Guel and Shaddiq air their grievances and talk about how they’ve always hated each other and Guel’s brother kinda accidentally overhears how he killed their father so yeah. Shaddiq’s just mad that his bloodless coup has become a lot less bloodless and Miorine’s now the scapegoat for all of it and Guel’s sick of his ‘you know if you’d behaved I wouldn’t have had to make you kill your stupid father’ bullshit and the fight ends in a draw with Guel’s suit destroyed and Shaddiq and his supports’ being incapacitated with the Witch Hunters surrounding them. Meanwhile in the school Fake Ceres is trying to talk Norea down and gets her to calm down and think life might be worth living just enough for a sniper to take her out, they don’t call this episode “The End of Hope” for no reason. Ceres goes berserk and everything’s basically neutralized at this point but like half the school is fucking dead so that sucks. The gang tries to talk to Suletta about it but Suletta is the kind of person who processes trauma better through action than communication so they all get to work to help the relief effort. I really liked this one, Fake Ceres’s feelings for Norea kinda came out of nowhere but their moment was nice and the fight between Guel and Shaddiq is really cool and shows how Guel’s grown as a character and has taken his own variation of Suletta’s message to heart.

Castlevania: Lenore continues her griping about not being useful once war is the norm, and how Carmilla’s just gonna keep grabbing until her whole kingdom collapses, the basic stuff we’ve heard before and instead of talking to someone who can do anything about it, she tells Hector which granted he makes her feel heard and shit but he’s literally the only person who physically cannot resist the methods of this place. Alucard leads the town survivors to his castle and we kinda get the speedrun version of him sharing his story with the head lady and them hitting it off but I’m willing to accept he just kinda gets it up for anyone that’s not afraid of him, like father like son I suppose. Sypha’s observing how shitty everyone’s been about putting their lives back together and realizes it’s because they’re still being fucking taxed despite literally not having a bucket to shit in and stands up to the court lady about it before Trevor wakes up a bat demon who plants the court lady with a magical homing device to lead the vampires to the king since they’re probably staying in the same maze of catacombs. Also Isaac is finally here at Carmilla’s place and ready to ransack it and get revenge on Hector. I like how Carmilla’s kind of an afterthought despite her being the one that had to shit in Dracula’s pudding, like it really says a lot about Issac that betrayal pisses him off more than active malice.

Delicious in Dungeon: Kabru and Shura’s group finally get back to the surface and discover the elves are already here to discuss taking the dungeon from them and destroying it by force, not only to get their hands on the soul-trapping spell but also to stop it from doing the eldritch shit dungeons tend to do when they get too big and dangerous. Kabru was apparently orphaned by such a dungeon extermination plan and warns against just rushing in and makes a convincing enough case that the elves decide to slow their roll a little, mostly because Kabru’s smooth and definitely scheming something and they wanna fuck around and find out. Like if the elves can destroy dungeons that easily why don’t they do it sooner before the local genocide shit starts happening? Either way back with the main group, Izu senses Laios’s partner ghost that’s been following him since they saved Falin and that running gag is finally done as he agrees to listen to the ghost and the whole group is teleported to a town that’s been around for a thousand years, coexisting with dungeon monsters and immortal people. Izu’s kinda nerfed and is basically Nezuko during this arc thanks to the monster-pacifying barrier and the group just kinda run around checking out all the cool town shit like the first episode of a One Piece arc. They go on about how Laios is the prophesized hero to conquer the dungeon and beat the mage which will undo everyone’s immortality which they’re fine with because they’re in the later stages of Who Wants to Live Forever. A neat touch is that Delgal who the Mage is currently looking for was originally from this town and received instructions from a chimera to go out and spread word of the dungeon which he was the one who started the whole “Beat the mage and find the One Piece” prophecy but he’s also who the Mage is currently looking for despite the fact we confirm here he died. Now we establish people who leave the town die and become ghosts so he may be looking for his ghost but given Delgal died on the surface that’s probably where his ghost would be and it’s been a few hundred years so it’s probably been exterminated by now. We get some navelgazing about how without death or hunger these guys have no reason to do anything and are just pantomiming living their daily routines so they don’t go insane and it’s really unnerving but also maybe it’s just because I grew up in a modern and overstimulated society but with free time if you’re a whole community there’s gotta be all sorts of shit you can do to entertain yourself like this isn’t Jinako Catagiri getting stuck in a skyboulder for thousands of years, this is a whole town that can evolve however it wants without fear of death or age like they literally have each other and can write libraries of books or invent new technology since they don’t have to put all their resources into just surviving but the “they don’t need to suffer so they don’t have to grow” philosophy never really sits right with me, like I get where it’s coming from but I think people can grow without being on the brink of starvation and death all their lives and that moral’s always dangerously close to saying that suffering is the point of life and that’s not something I’m willing to accept.

Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End: So we actually get a followup on Fern’s staff being broken and her being mad Frieren told her to throw it away since it’s basically a jigsaw puzzle where all the answers are stick. However after Denkin visits Richter’s shop to tell him to rally himself and try again for the next test in three years, Frieren also visits him and gets Fern’s staff repaired. The gesture reminds Fern of Heiter telling her that even though Frieren’s not good with people, having no natural aptitude for socializing does make her extra sensitive to hurting people’s feelings so she’s really quite caring. Meanwhile Serie takes on the proctoring of the final exam, taking over for her student who became the first one to pass the test under her, Serie lamenting that he grew as a match to Frieren but is too advanced in age to be her equal and noticing that even he can’t see she’s holding back her mana just like Frieren does despite it being a huge pillar like hers. It’s kinda interesting that Serie asserts Frieren basically carried everyone through the tests resulting in a weak crop larger than they intended but like Frieren actively made the second test harder for everyone and kinda jacked up everyone’s chances on the first, if anything Denkin’s the one getting everyone to band together and improve their chances. The last test is basically having everyone walk into a room and Serie telling at a glance that they can’t pass because they’re frozen by her power. Frieren comes up and despite not being afraid of Serie, she still fails because Serie’s butthurt that Frieren just goes around doing whatever she wants instead of mastering useful magic, though Frieren gives the story of how she met Himmel as a child and showed him the field of flowers spell and tells her not to underestimate where useless things can get you since her dumb flower spell literally saved the world. Meanwhile Fern comes in and immediately recognizes Serie’s holding back since she’s watched Frieren do it her whole life, impressing Serie enough to try and take Fern off Frieren’s hands, though Fern obviously refuses but still passes overall. Kinda fitting since Frieren didn’t care about titles and shit anyway just kinda funny that Fern outranks Frieren now and is the reason they’ll get to go further North, I mean I guess she always outranked Frieren since Frieren literally doesn’t have a rank since she’s older than the system but yeah.

Revolutionary Girl Utena: It’s a Nanami episode so yeah we’re basically in for the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Her new Team Rocket plot to humiliate Anthy and Utena is to… make really spicy curry and for some reason this… makes them swap bodies… like they don’t even pretend this makes sense in any way. Either way Nanami has to go to India to find the spice she used in the curry and the gag of her getting chased by elephants in increasingly improbable ways just fucking breaks my brain, this show is the stupidest fucking thing ever and I love it. Meanwhile Utena and Anthy have to walk a mile in each others’ shoes and it’s kinda neat, they don’t swap voices or anything so it’s just the VAs doing impressions of each others’ inflections and I would never call the voice acting in this show great or anything (it doesn’t help that the sound quality makes it sound like these lines were recorded in a closet so that’s not the actors’ fault) but they do a pretty good job of conveying the difference in personality with just their tone. Utena!Anthy gets approached by Saiyonji and experiences the genuine love he has for Anthy that almost makes her forget what an abusive jerk he is until he sees him making fun of her in his diary and she rightly tells him off in a hilariously gleeful way, very demure. Nanami returns with the spice (there’s a Dune joke in there somewhere) but thanks to slapstick shenanigans it gets destroyed. Later they discover they never used the super rare spice (because yeah why would they sell something that takes 200 years to make in a fucking store and put a label on it that’s like ‘super spicy, doesn’t swap your bodies at all’) and it turns out Anthy’s cooking just… does that? Like idk if this is plot shit because she’s the Rose Bride Reincarnation of Dios or if it’s just like that because this plot makes no sense and Nanami had to get trampled by elephants six times but I could see it going either way. Anyway everything’s back to normal and ChuChu and Saiyonji swap bodies next, truly the best timeline.  

[writingreadingdaydreaming]

i’m sorry but i need to know more about kane being gay for thomas muller desperately especially with all that’s going on with bayern right now!

So in the omegaverse timeline, Kane has a super complicated relationship with his sexuality. He wasn’t raised in an overtly homophobic household, but British ideals of what a man is - especially a typical ‘east end’ London man - were obviously present and affected him deeply. He always knew he was a bit different to his friends, that he felt feelings and had thoughts he knew other alphas weren’t having. But because of a mix of toxic masculinity and internalised homophobia, he suppressed his emotions all throughout his childhood, teenage years, and his twenties. He tried to have romantic relationships with omegas/beta women, but he could never sustain them.

Obviously, Harry at some point had feelings for Sonny (a beta man). Sonny was one of his closest friends at Tottenham, his strike partner. For a while, whenever Harry indulged his fantasies, he would think about Sonny, then feel disgusted with himself that he was fantasising about his teammate - his straight, beta teammate.

When he went to Bayern, he met Thomas, a man who was so deeply himself. Unapologetically weird and a little crazy, never putting a label on his sexuality but also never dispelling rumours about his sexual activities whenever he was called up on them. Essentially, he’s never stated explicitly that he likes beta men and alphas, but he’s also never denied it when asked. It’s the first time Harry has met someone who even vaguely might understand how he feels, so he latches on. Becomes close to Thomas extremely quickly, their friendship growing from just friendly to best buddies in the space of only a few weeks.

Thomas is not as emotionally stunted as Harry, but he’s also not perfectly secure in himself. So they’re both looking for a way to vent their feelings - so they start sleeping together.

At first, it is basically just that. No romance, just physical actions. But Thomas starts to develop those more intimate feelings for Harry - Harry, on the other hand, doesn’t wanna hear it. He’s still dealing with intense internalised homophobia, and he basically rationalises his hook ups with Thomas by saying that it’s okay, it’s not gay if he doesn’t feel anything.

Eventually, Thomas gets tired of the little routine they have. He’s unequivocally in love with Harry Kane. He tells Harry that he wants to stop doing this, he’s sick of being used as something to sit on whenever he’s feeling shitty about himself. They get into a huge argument and don’t speak for days.

Harry is killing himself with guilt. He knows Thomas is right, but also Harry has been too proud to admit that for so long. He knows he’s in love with Thomas too, and he can’t afford to lose him. So he goes back to Thomas’ house and makes a huge confession and has a whole monologue about how wrong he was and how much he regrets it and how scared he was of losing Thomas. It’s the start of their actual, non-toxic relationship… and they live happily ever after!!!!!!!!!

[roleplay-today]

F20+ here! I am: 

an experienced advanced literate | novella roleplayer.

enjoy dark / dead dove themes, explicit content, nsfw, unhealthy/toxic dynamics, and more elements that I’d like to discuss privately!

prefer the pairing MxF (with me portraying the F role) 

Hello everyone! Not a very well-written ad, but submitting it nevertheless. I have over a decade of active experience in roleplaying as well as writing independently, though I have a strong preference for collaborating with others and creating stories filled with twists, depth and intrigue. I write 500-600 words minimum, as I enjoy incorporating purple prose, meaning plenty of description and detail, and I have no maximum word count nor an average length as I love to adapt to my partner and will go as far as 3k. I write only on discord since the server organization there is a godsend, and I’d never miss an opportunity to gush over our characters, spend hours on finding aesthetic pictures and making moodboards, oc playlists, all that. 

Right now, there are two original prompts I’m looking to explore. Keep in mind that both will contain dark, disturbing, and uncomfortable themes that might not be for everyone, to put it simply, but if either of these sounds like something you’d be interested in, don’t hesitate to like this ask and I’ll reach out to you!

Character A is a genius (aka psychopath)—so much so, that his intelligence, academic excellence, and the psychopathic traits of his behavior have made him an outcast and victim of severe bullying. As much as he’s smart, he has never been physically strong enough to defend himself or fight back… until Character B comes into the picture: a rough, tattooed, headstrong delinquent, whom witnesses the bullying one day and saves him. From then on, they slowly develop a friendship as he helps her study properly and pass her tests and, in exchange, she doesn’t let anyone lay a hand on him, and though Character B has only ever viewed him as a friend, Character A’s feelings grow into something more. Eventually they graduate, and due to circumstances, lose contact as life takes them on very different paths… until some years later, where they meet again. How do they reunite? Does Character B apply for a job at Character A’s business, never expecting to be hired or for him to turn out to be the chairman/boss? Does Character A find her by coincidence, working some shitty job at a gas station? Either way, the moment Character A sees her again, the old infatuation he’d felt comes crashing back, and at first, he’s determined to repay her for everything she had done for him in the past and perhaps even rekindle their friendship. But then… How dare she not be grateful? How dare she resist everything he’s trying to give her, to do for her? His obsession becomes sick, disturbing, and as their dynamic starts to shift into something much darker, he decides he’s never going to let her go again. [I would like to play Character B in this scenario]

Character A and Character B grew up in the same orphanage, and were close friends despite being complete opposites. Whilst Character A was quickly adopted by a wonderful couple, thrived in school, and was overall the golden child, Character B always caused trouble and was never wanted by anyone due to his problematic behavior. Eventually, as they grew older, they began to go down different routes, with Character A getting a scholarship and Character B getting involved with gangs, crime, etc. They lose contact, or rather Character A purposely cuts off all connection to him as she realizes that he is no longer the kid she used to know, and so years pass following her disappearance from his life. She graduates, gets married/engaged, has a great job, great friends.. her life is pretty much perfect, until she begins to get strange texts from an unknown number, gifts, things in her house misplaced, an unfamiliar car waiting outside her house at late hours of the night, the feeling of being watched and followed.. is it Character B? [I would like to play Character A in this scenario]

None of the details are set in stone and can be changed or altered to your preference, and I can’t wait to hear your ideas. Minors DNI! ❤️