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keltonwrites · 3 years ago

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I bought a house in the middle of nowhere

“Yeah, I loved it, but she’d never move there.” It was something akin to that, at least. He didn’t mean any mischief, no deceit or planning. It was an honest take on what, at the time, was true. I saw the road into town on Google Maps, noted that it was closed during the winter, acknowledged the reality that a person can own a snowmobile, and I said, “we are not moving there.” But, all good truths are just dares in the making.

And here I am, living in the “there” I said I would not. Two years ago, I left my job at Headspace for a life reset. It was pre-pandemic, and Ben and I were planning a big road trip. Our perfect paradise in Topanga, CA, had crystallized itself as many people’s perfect paradise, and those “many people” all had more money than us. Our options to buy a home were nil, and home-buying was essentially all we wanted. Ben’s a builder and I’m a world builder, and we wanted somewhere to invest that didn’t belong to someone else. We packed the car with the tent and the bikes and the dog and all the things that come with tents and bikes and dogs, and off we went on our own Tour de l’Ouest, looking for a place to call home. We knew what we wanted, knew our odds of finding it, and hit the road anyway. Here was the dream list — concocted by two pie-in-the-sky dummies who married each other:

Not rainy or consistently windy

Notable access to the arts

Remote and challenging to get to/close neighbors

Wild West influenced architecture

Progressive community

Exceptional trail access out the front door

High-speed internet

In our budget

And my personal favorite: had to “feel right” Good luck to us with a list like that, but thus began our hunt. We camped in the snow, tried every dirty chai in the Rockies, and explored every town we could. Whatever a good time it was, it felt useless. Every town Ben was OK with, I hated. Every town I was OK with, Ben despised. And the few places we both loved required money we just didn’t have. We came home with our sails down, limping into the harbor of our rental. But as is the way with romantics, our dreams began to slowly eclipse our reality. Books fell victim to Zillow and Trulia. TV was replaced by the MLS. All writing time was dedicated to Realtor.com. Hours were spent pouring over maps, county records, and updating spreadsheets that tracked price per square foot compared to beds and baths. Over time, all that internetting led to one singular town of 180 people at 10,000 feet in the San Juan Mountains of Colorado with a road that said “Closed Winters” on Google Maps. Look, I don’t know what happened. Ben found this town on a map, I said don’t be ridiculous, and after a year or so of him telling people I'd never move here, here I am, being ridiculous. Was it reverse psychology? Maybe. Was it the charming “town plan” that mandated all houses be rustic cabins and forbade AirBnB? Could be. Was it the fact that when I looked at Strava’s Heatmap, it showed what seemed like thousands of miles of trails just out the front door? I mean, yes. All these things played a part, but all I know for certain is that one day I woke up and said, “we’re going to move there.” Ben doubted this conviction (and the realities behind it) thus cementing it into place in my head. In a town of 180 people there’s only ~60 houses, which means maybe 2 or 3 get listed per year — but my spreadsheet had the proof: we hadn’t missed our chance yet in this tiny town. The data showed a strong likelihood there would be at least two houses listed within the calendar year. This, however, was also our last chance. The spreadsheet also showed that if we didn’t find a house this year, we wouldn’t be able to afford one the next. We called a realtor, made our case, and harangued her until she believed us that we were truly the kind of yahoos who would move to an avalanche field and stay there. And then it happened. A pocket listing. It was a darling home built in 1890. It had the beds, the baths, and the views. We were the first and only to know. We put in an offer, they agreed, and we would come to see the house in a few weeks. But in those few weeks, the circumstances changed. The sellers lost their own sweet deal, and they couldn’t sell yet. Their agent promised we had right of first refusal, it was only a matter of time. Ben lamented, I preached patience, and we went to see the house that was no longer for sale anyway.

It was a quiet winter morning in Covid when we drove across the packed snow to meet our realtor outside the house. The sun was out and the 13 degrees Fahrenheit felt warm. I unzipped my jacket, mask on my face. I took long videos and talked about where I would set up my office and where we’d put the bikes. As we closed up and I settled into a future where this house would eventually be mine, our realtor told us there were comps in the area — other residents quietly interested in potentially closing out. Would we like to see them? Sure, let’s.

One home came with an incredible commercial kitchen. The whole house was a whopping 3500 sq ft if my memory serves me correct, which falls under the category of “houses too big to find your cat in."

Another home had an open-air-to-the-kitchen bathroom.

The third was dark and overpriced with cracked windows and open beer cans scattered about.

And then, plans changed. “Hey guys, there’s actually one more house we can see.” The last house we saw was a log cabin, nestled in the hillside by itself, with massive A-frame windows looking out onto the peaks beyond. Inside was a labyrinth of a life lived long and large. The cabin was built and loved by a man we’ll call Jack. Jack was 82, and as we walked toward the front door on that sunny winter morning, he exited with two beers in his pockets, headed to the mountain to ski. Jack was an attorney — in his life he’d been both criminal and defender — and from the stories, somewhat interchangeably. There were artifacts from running in the same scenes as Hunter S. Thompson and Willie Nelson; there were stuffed birds, bad books, sheet-covered couches, smoked spliffs, and piles and piles of mouse shit. Every inch of the house was lived in, and not just by people. You think millennials like plants? No. This man likes plants. The biggest monstera deliciosa I’ve ever seen, spanning some 10 feet wide and 15 feet tall. Draping cactuses, spider plants, massive aloes, and an ambitious hoya carnosa clawing its way to the top of the massive fireplace. But there were problems. I’m trying to be diplomatic saying the house was lived in. The wood by the door handles was dyed black from years of hand grease rubbing against it. The carpet in the upstairs was soiled almost everywhere with bat scat. Newspaper was stuffed between the massive logs to keep the wind out. There was cardboard taped over almost every window, blankets nailed over the others. Half the doors wouldn’t open. It was unnerving to touch the crusted light switches. It was early enough in the season of Covid-fear that touching anything felt like gambling. On our way back to our rental in the bigger neighboring town, we shared our awe and our no-ways, lamenting how long we’d have to wait for the little 1890s fixer upper. That night, I sent the video I took of the cabin to my parents. “Can you believe this?” I asked. And do you know what my dad said? “Great log construction.” After that, the cabin was all we could talk about. “Could you believe those plants?” “Did you see how big those logs were?” “I just googled Jack, look at this.” “Do you know what the insulating factor of logs is?” “How much did he say he was asking?” It came down to the plants. Amidst all the chaos in that house, the tender care of those decades-old plants sung the clearest. This wasn’t just a place Jack lived in, it was a place that wanted to be lived in. We made an offer the next day.

Jack had six months to clear out his 30 odd years of collecting, and the town had six months to speculate about the worrisome Californians moving to their high-altitude, high-risk town. The town itself is an old mining town. It rests in a high valley, surrounded by peaks over 13,000ft, and is over six hours from the nearest major airport. Five people died around this town in avalanches this past year. The dirt road into town is littered with avalanche fields, warning visitors to not stop when driving in. The other way out is a pass road, only drivable in the warm months, but you could skin out if it was dire. Most August days, the high is in the mid-60s. The valley is blanketed in wildflowers, and the aspens littering the mountainsides suggest a promising fall display. The town had a heyday, a low day, and now it’s a community of preppers, adventurers, appreciators, and “get all these idiots away from me”ers. We don’t know these people yet, but the ones we’ve met have the same like to live hard attitude we do. Heli-ski guides, ex-CIA agents, woodworkers, bakers, teachers, just a general can-do group of people. The kind of people that see a California license plate and peer with skepticism between the thin gap over their sunglasses and under their caps.

You might say I’m romanticizing the place, but the residents are worse. Like all good old-timers, they’re full of threats: “wait’ll you see the snow drifts,” “let’s see how you do outrunning an avalanche,” “good luck with the winds,” “the last Californians didn’t last a year.” God, what does that remind me of?

“Yeah, I loved it, but she’d never move there.”

With every taunt, my teeth ground more enamel, fingers rolling into a clench. And maybe Jack recognized this intensity, because on the day of closing, he hosted a gathering for us in the town's open space. He had us introduce ourselves to the skeptical locals, and I made my case in court, eyes narrowed and lips curled. “I’m the daughter of a smokejumper and wildlife biologist. I grew up watching the wind and the door. I’ve lived in big cities, small boats, and more than one cabin. I always take the stairs, I never use air-conditioning, and I’m a very good shot.” I’m just a girl, standing in front of a town, asking them to give her a fucking chance. Jack stepped forward to speak. “You know, I had my doubts about a couple Californians coming to look at my house. But these people? These are the nicest people you’re ever gonna meet.” And then I helped Jack set up his cot so he could spend his last night under the stars in the town that kept him young. Cooper ran circles with the other dogs. People brought homemade cocktails and bowls of dip and we felt welcomed. Even the mayor, a fellow writer, came and she struck up a conversation. “I hear you’ve got a little bit of a following on social media!” She teased. “I guess, nothing wild.” “Well I just wanted to let you know if you ever geotag this town, I’ll drag you out of it.” She grinned. This was a special place. And every visitor who couldn’t handle the realities of being here threatened the very wellbeing of the people who lived here. This town survives on a delicate balance. They source their own water, manage their own roads, and fervently protect the land and the people around them. Their stories about racing avalanches, snowmobiling in the dark of night to the doctor’s house, hunkering down in each other’s homes as the storms pass — these stories were bylaws. You can join when you’ve proven you’re ready to join. By their own projection, they are hardy and steadfast people, and when they see a Californian, they see something fleeting. Many years ago, I worked in the British Virgin Islands. The people born and raised there were called Belongers. At the customs office, the placards above the lines literally read, “If you belong, stand here” and “If you do not belong, stand here.” Whether or not we belong isn't up to the town council, and it's not up to these residents. It's up to years spent drifting my old Mustang in the snow on the way to school, up to Ben's months and months spent in the backcountry, up to my years of reading fire reports and assisting with evacuations, up to Ben's ability to read the landscape and the weather, up to my doggedness, his diligence, and our pathological love to do difficult things well. It’s up to us, to these old logs, and to this valley. Doesn't mean we'll belong, but it does mean we'll try. And for the record, the road is open in the winter. But do these sound like the kind of people who’d tell Google that? Next week, a tour of the house that we get to call ours — stuffed with newspaper, run by plants, and filled with mice. P.S. Here's where we get our mail.

Subscribe to the newsletter here. Follow on Instagram here.

#newsletters #amwriting #relocation #home renovation #cabin life #cabin living #colorado #log cabin

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theplacesshesees · 3 years ago

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Bag•yo (Baguio) • 122021

I will always be in awe of the cold breeze that chills me literally down to my core, the warmth and kindness of the locals, and the beautiful city lights at night that rests on top of the hills. Too dreamy, I know!

En route to the city is a five-hour drive from Manila. Since moving here for work, we would sometimes decide to go to Baguio on the day, pack our bags and go (lol). We’d come back every year, just to explore the city, move in a different environment just for a bit and then spend the night. We even went one time without securing a place to stay (please don’t do it, it was so stressful!!! i swear!!).

They say that Baguio City has this kind of a “curse” where couples’ relationship won’t last long if they visit the city together. Back in 2018 when we were just a new couple, we visited the city and we fought at that time when we were about to go home. LOL In 2020 pre-pandemic, we came back in Baguio as 2 people who were trying to fix their broken relationship (we broke up in new year lol). I really thought the curse would work on us at that time. 😵‍💫 Fast forward to 2021, we planned on going for our fourth anniversary and since we’re travelling during a different situation (with travel requirements, QR Codes, Vaccination cards and all), we really have to sort everything — from Hotels, to bus tickets and travel registrations. Tbh, I wasn’t the one who organized everything, it was Ferny 😋 (syempre, may plans pala! 🙈)

This trip is definitely the most memorable. Ferny got a reservation in one of the most romantic yet chill restaurant for our anniversary dinner date, I got tipsy from a margarita that I drank in Kamp, and got engaged in the middle of Session Road. Crazy, I know!!! Just like that, I’m getting married (but not too soon) with my person!!!

Anyway, I’m posting this a day after our first monthsary of being engaged lol 😂 It’s funny how things just works. Four years ago, I didn’t think that I will trust someone and love again, let alone believe in marriage but here we are. I guess things that are really meant for you will find you. God-willing, it will. 🤍✨

So here’s me and Fern just minutes after I said “yes, of course”. Our eyes tell 😅

••••

dear you,

remember those nights when you’ve cried so hard over a heartbreak? you thought you won’t get over it but you did, you got through the pain and you survived.

may this post be a reminder that every rejection is a redirection. you are meant for something greater and better, just trust the process and put your faith in the Lord, He will not fail you.

••••

#spilled ink #scribbles #blogging #for the love of words #love post #tumblr blog #travel #travel blog #film stills #film phogoraphy #love #loveislove

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toplinetommy · 4 years ago

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Redefining Home - Matthew Tkachuk

Synopsis: After spending months with Matthew in his childhood home in St. Louis, it’s time for him to go back to Calgary, and the reality of your normally long-distance relationship settles back in.

Words: 2k

A/N: very brief mention of the pandemic, gif credit @matthewtkafuck

Three months - almost four; that’s how long you had spent close to every second of every day with Matthew and the entirety of the Tkachuk family. It was a huge change in the way you and Matthew experienced your relationship. Over the past year and a half of your relationship, the entire of it was spent as long-distance.

You had met Matthew when you had just started your career in Chicago, working for your dream company, living in an apartment your younger self could only dream of. Matthew had been in town for a game against the Chicago Blackhawks. They had won, the younger guys on the team opting to go out to celebrate, while you and some of your roommates were celebrating a birthday. One thing led to another and you had quite literally bumped into Matthew’s tall and broad frame while chasing your extremely drunk friend.

That night your friend ended up finding the rest of your group and you seemed to be glued to Matthew’s side the second you guys made eye contact. Sure you got yelled at by your friends the following morning about how you ditched them, but in the long run, no one could complain. You had gotten the handsome, curly-headed NHL player’s phone number with absolutely no intention to ever use it. That was until a few days later a text from an unsaved number popped up, saying it was Matthew from the bar a few nights ago.

With him being a professional athlete in not only another country, but a different timezone, your guys’ relationship had started off with what most people would classify as a friendship based around your clear attraction for one another. Texting each other a few times a day turned into texting all day, every day, which then turned into facetiming any chance the two of you could get. Whether that be during your lunch break at work, him on the team bus to the airport, when you were walking down the city blocks of downtown Chicago, or him skipping his pre-game naps to just to hear your voice.

Your relationship started to shift from two friends to two people that were clearly interested in one another trying to figure out how to discuss those feelings when you were never in the same city and rarely in the same timezone. After weeks of pestering and some convincing from your roommate, you had agreed to get on a plane when Matthew had a string of home back-to-backs one weekend. He convinced you to come to see him play in person and then he could officially give you the wine and dine experience he told you you deserved.

That one weekend trip turned into you visiting him any weekend you could when he was in Calgary and even some when he was in various other cities. It was weekends away with him in his Calgary apartment and him flying into Chicago to spent time with you and your roommates with the very little free time he got.

Weeks and weeks of flying around the North American continent and late-night facetimes when you weren’t together passed by before he had asked you to be his girlfriend to which you excitedly said yes to that one night in his Calgary apartment.

Those weekends spent flying in an out of Chicago were worth it though. Now, here you both were, in Matthew’s childhood home in St. Louis planning for what your guys’ next move was once he got on his flight back to Calgary to start training camp before the playoffs.

You’re sitting on the large sectional in the family living room, your feet laying across Matthews’s lap as he mindlessly rubs his thumb along your shins. You shiver at one particular stroke of his thumb causing Matthew to giggle and playfully squeeze your leg. You kick him playfully while sticking your tongue out, hoping to pull his attention from the tv show playing in front of you two.

“Matthew,” you try, sticking out your bottom lip in a pout. He turns his head towards you raising his eyebrows as he hums out his response. Even though he’s facing you now, his gaze is still focused on the tv in front of him so you try again.

“Matty,” you try again, this time dragging out his name in a whine.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Give me attention.”

“Y/n, we‘re watching tv there’s only so much attention I can give you,” he reasons. He moves one of his hands further up your leg, reaching out to grab one of yours. He pulls your hand, making you sit up from where you’re leaning back against the couch. He continues to pull you until you’re curled into his side, head on his shoulders and legs still in his lap.

He places his hand atop your head, flattening the stray strands of hair before placing a kiss there. Once his lips leave the crown of your head, he keeps his hand there as he continues to push his fingers through your hair and watch the show playing on the tv screen.

You mindlessly move your body around, faking uncomfortableness in order for Matthew to abandon the show and give you his full attention. Once you’ve moved your hand across his chest for what felt like the 50th time in five minutes, Matthew grabs the remote next to him pausing the show.

“What’s on your mind?”

“You’re leaving again in a few days, just wanna spend as much time with you as possible.”

At the admission, Matthew pulls your body further into his lap, maneuvering you so you’re straddling him. He looks into your eyes, noting the soft expression on your face as you look back into his blue eyes.

“Baby,” He starts, his hand wrapped around the side of your neck, thumb resting on your jaw. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“But you’ll be back here and I’ll be back in Chicago.”

“And I’ll come see you when the season’s over, just like I did last year.”

“I don’t know if that’s what I want anymore.” You let out barely above a whisper. Matthew jolts at your response, slightly pushing yourself body away from his as he leans back into the couch cushions trying to put as much space between the two of you he can.

“What?”

“No, not like that,” you smile. “I love you, you idiot, you aren’t getting rid of me that easy. I just meant being apart.”

Matthew sighs heavily at your clarification, his thighs relaxing underneath you. You place your hands around his neck, leaning your body into him.

“I thought you were okay with us doing distance? It’s been working so far, hasn’t it?”

“It was, yeah, I don’t know. I just had this plan and then this whole pandemic hit and you let me come stay here these past few months and it’s just been so nice being around you all the time. It was working before, it just doesn’t seem like the ideal choice anymore.”

“But you had your plan. You’re gonna work your ass off until you get your promotion, then we were gonna talk about moving in together.”

“I know but my perspective has changed,” you start. “How am I supposed to just go back to Chicago without you, not knowing when we’ll see each other again when I got to have some of the best three months of my life with you here in St. Louis. It’s like I didn’t know how amazing it would be to be around you nonstop and now that I know what it’s like I’m not sure I can just go back to Chicago and how we were.”

Matthew tilts his head to look more directly at your face that’s now laying on his chest. He moves his hand to your head, tilting it upwards to meet his gaze. Instead of responding right away, he opts to lean in and place his lips on yours in a gentle kiss that expresses his love for you.

“I love you, so much, baby.” He assures you.

“I love you.”

“So you’re saying that you don’t want to do distance anymore?”

“I don’t think I can, especially not after knowing what it’s like to live with you.” You reiterate.

“I don’t want you to put me before your career, especially when I’ll be gone half the season on the road,” Matthew speaks lowly. He knows the weight of the decision you’re pondering and wants to make sure it’s the right one.

“I want to be with you Matty, all the time, no matter what.” You move away from him, trying to get a better look at his facial features as you speak. “I’ll start looking for jobs in Calgary tomorrow even.”

“You’re serious?” Matthew laughs, eyebrows raised.

“100 percent.” You smile widely, leaning in towards Matthew’s face to touch your lips to his. His eyes stare into yours until your lips meet in a very giggly and teeth-filled kiss. A kiss that’s full of pure elation at the decision the two of you just made.

“It’s more than just getting a job, it’s in a whole new country.” He breathes against your lips.

“We’ll figure it out.”

“Instead of you just moving into my place, let’s find a new apartment. My lease ends in November, you can come up then and we can look for a new place. Our place.”

“Can it at least have the same floor-to-ceiling windows you have in your place now?” You request with glee.

“Anything my girl wants, she gets.” Matthew laughs, giving you one more quick kiss and a squeeze at your waist. “Is it selfish of me to say I’m thankful for this quarantine, then? I get you with me 24/7 now.”

You laugh at his suggestion, “How did I get so lucky?”

Brady and Keith both walk in the room as you finish talking, Brady instantly chirping his brother. “You’re the lucky one? I’m pretty sure Matthew’s the lucky one in your relationship.”

Matthew pushes your body away from his, grabbing the decorative pillow next to him and throwing it at his brother’s moving figure. You laugh as the pillow missing Brady and hits Keith instead, who instantly scolds his oldest son.

“You guys look awfully happy.” He comments.

Matthew looks back at you, silently asking for your approval on sharing the news before you nod your head yes. “We’re moving in together.”

“Three months with us and you’re still choosing to move in with him?” Brady chirps once again. “I’m surprised he hasn’t run you out of St. Louis yet.” Keith looks at his younger son at this, giving him a stern look telling him to shut up.

“Congratulations guys,” Keith smiles. “Y/n, whatever happens, don’t get roped into doing his laundry all the time. Despite his complaining, he does know how to do it.”

Matthew rolls his eyes at his family members’ chirps, still basking in the excitement that was your guys’ relationship’s next step. You couldn’t agree more with his earlier statement - you had to be thankful for being stuck at the Tkachuk family home for three months. It took your relationship to the next level, even with the very close encounters where you were sure Matthew was getting under your skin just to piss you off. Matthew was your best friend and you couldn’t wait to be a part-time Canadian, something he liked to call himself with his career. Being with him all day for the past few months only reaffirmed your deep love for the curly-headed boy who sat underneath you.

#matthew tkachuk imagine #matthew tkachuk #alex writes #nhl imagine #chucky the rat

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matthiasschoenaertsdaily · 4 years ago

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Matthias Schoenaerts full interview for De Morgen Magazine (original in Flemish, translated into English by @matthiasschoenaertsdaily)

Interview by Els Maes, published on November 28, 2020

Even a global pandemic will not destroy the optimism of actor Matthias Schoenaerts (42). Because he knows from his own experience how much beauty can emerge from the most hopeless situations. "I've had my back against the wall often enough, I'll always find a way out."

A bleak autumn day on a concrete square. There is lukewarm coffee, lukewarm Chimay and rolling tobacco. At dusk we see the silhouettes of fat rats that shoot past our ankles. And yet Matthias Schoenaerts will tell us in a glowing argument that this, here and now, is the very best place to be. That there is so much beauty to discover, he says. Le paradis c'est ici. As long as we want to see it.

"It's strange to say in this unpleasant period, but I've enjoyed the past few months enormously. It's the first time in ten years, since Runskop actually, that I'll be home for a long period of time. This is so beneficial: I am photographing, painting, writing. I can devote time and attention to the very simple things we'd otherwise race past."

"Seriously, look at that," he says, picking a leaf off the ground. "Those colors, that pattern. I can spend hours looking at the pure beauty of the things that surround us."

Above us a pigeon is wreaking havoc between the thinned out foliage. "While you are singing about the wonderful beauty of nature, that animal is going to shit on our heads," I say. "And that too will be a s-p-l-e-n-d-i-d moment," Schoenaerts answers.

Matthias Schoenaerts is Belgium's most successful international film star. But here and now, on a bench in his hometown, he is a technically unemployed actor, an all-round searching artist, but above all: fighter of cynicism. "I refuse to go along with all negativity and fear. The true battle today is cynicism versus courage. And I always choose the latter."

We're on the Oudevaartplaats, the square that everyone knows as the Antwerp Bird Market, and where Schoenaerts' childhood memories are waiting to be picked up. It comes into the conversation just like that: Brando, the cute chow chow that little Matthias got from his mom on this square, when here on the bird market puppies were still sold. "My dogs were my great loves. The home situation was often difficult, and with my dogs I found security. We had three chow chows, those fluffy lion dogs with a blue tongue. Brando was the first, I loved that animal."

"We lived in a small apartment with three dogs, anything but ideal. One day we let them go, to people with a large estate. That was heartbreaking."

There is a beautiful lesson in that, about love and letting go. It would have been selfish to keep your dogs if you could give them a nicer life elsewhere, wouldn't it?

"Absolutely, but I obviously didn't process that departure properly. Brando still appears in my dreams, after all these years. Then he returns home unexpectedly, and am I mad with joy.

"I often dream about my parents too: that reunion is so intensely beautiful and warm. Oh, there you are, finally! Those dreams are true to life, and the awakening is rock-hard."

Is that one of the reasons why you like being here in Antwerp, because here you feel more connected to the people that you loved?

"This is my home, my zero, I can't imagine a place in the world where I would rather live. When my mom was alive, and especially when she got sick, in between filming I tried to be with her as much as possible here in Antwerp. In the meantime I have an apartment here, my first permanent place of my own, but I've hardly been there in recent years. Now I can finally enjoy my home, I find peace, tranquility and inspiration there. I have seen fantastic sunsets on my roof terrace in recent months. So much beauty, and you can just admire it there, every day, for free. As long as you take the time to enjoy it.

"Normally I would have started filming again in April, and left for a hectic ride of at least two years, with projects that would follow each other quickly. I was at my limits, sooner or later I was going to bang my head against the wall. I feel how beneficial it is to slow down for a moment. David Lynch said that: 'Just slow things down and it becomes more beautiful'.

"As an actor you have to work in a big machine, according to a tight schedule. I have now discovered the pleasure of creating things for myself very spontaneously in my own cadence."

Is that work something you ever want to go public with?

"I want to do something with my photography someday, but I'm in no hurry. I'm also writing a film script, I've had an idea for a trilogy for a long time. It's a very personal project, and it takes time for it to crystallize into something very pure and proper. Maybe those films will come within ten years, maybe never.

"The most important thing is to keep busy. You have to look for something, anything, on which you can focus your passion, love and attention. Of course I would like to return to set, and those projects will come back later. But if I can't change anything about a situation, why worry about it?

"From a very young age I learned that there are not many certainties in life, I adapt easily to unexpected circumstances. There is one thing I can't stand, and that is feeling powerless. I never want to be the victim of a situation, I will always think: what can I do myself? Which way can I go? I have often enough stood with my back against the wall, I will always find a way out and take matters into my own hands."

So Schoenaerts decided to use this period to put Zenith - his artist name as a street artist - to hard work. Since the lockdown he has already created nine impressive murals, including one in the courtyard of the Oudenaarde prison, and one at the beginning of this month in the Antwerp Begijnenstraat, on the bare walls that form their furthest horizon for the prisoners. A moving event, he says. Not only by the touching conversations with inmates, and the forty-minute applause with which the prisoners welcomed him. "The mural contains a poem by my father. While I am there painting those beautiful words of my dad on the wall, I suddenly remember that my mom used to give meditation lessons to the prisoners there in the Begijnenstraat. I had completely forgotten about that until I stood there. How beautiful that is. Suddenly I felt my parents very tangible, very close to me."

It's a bit funny: a long time ago you were arrested for graffiti, now they invite you to prison to make a mural.

"I used to tag a lot, but I really don't like the vandalism that sometimes comes with graffiti. Defacing a facade, that's just ridiculous. But trains, bridges, tunnels.... frankly I think that's the max. Soon I'm going to do another oldskool graffiti wall, with some friends, back to the roots. But with permission, yes."

Scary dudes

The problems of the Belgian detention system are well known: outdated infrastructure, overcrowding and a system of pre-trial detention which means that some people are innocently stuck for years. Schoenaerts: "These are human lives that are destroyed by the Belgian state, isn't that scandalous?"

Schoenaerts' engagement started years ago, after meeting Hans Claus, prison director in Oudenaarde, who contacted him when he wanted to organize a screening of Le Fidèle, the film by Michaël R. Roskam starring Schoenaerts. Claus has been fighting for many years for a reform of our detention system, among others with the non-profit organization De Huizen, small-scale centers that are more focused on rehabilitation and reintegration of the detainee. How does Schoenaerts see his role? "Those murals are a kind of lubricant for me, to get attention for this problem. I am not the expert and I am certainly not a politician. This injustice touches me as a human being, and my message is clear: please listen to the people who have been working hard for decades to reform the system from the inside."

In The Mustang, your last feature film to be seen here before the lockdown, you take on the role of a prisoner who learns to tame wild horses and his demons. Has that role changed your vision?

"That rehabilitation program with mustangs really exists, and the chance of recidivism is almost zero percent. I had a conversation in the Begijnenstraat with the minister of Justice Vincent Van Quickenborne (Open Vld, ed.), and he told me that the chance of relapse here is 40 to 50 percent. Isn't that madness?

"That's what fascinates me most of all: what do we do with those detainees while they're stuck? How can we help to break the destructive patterns that put them in prison? Imprisonment is a punishment in itself, but someday we'll send those people back into society, so let's mainly support them in their self-development.

"In preparation for The Mustang, I visited prisons in the U.S., and talked to men who had been detained for 20, 30 years. Heavy guys: Aryan Brotherhood (powerful crime syndicate of neo-Nazis in American prisons, ed.), Mexican gang leaders... real scary dudes. You know what those say to me? That they live in fear every day, but they must not show weakness. Psychological counseling and things like that have their value, but that's often very cerebral. I especially believe in the healing power of art. Imagine that inmates can express all those fucked up emotions through art: I think that there is an enormous potential in this."

I heard you're playing with the idea of giving acting lessons to inmates?

"That's not a concrete plan yet, but I would love it if people from the creative sector would commit themselves to this: musicians, sculptors, dancers. Or writers who help prisoners put their own story into words.

"The cultural sector needs to start sticking its neck out. The sector is lying flat, and that's terrible. But we have to keep moving. We can all do something for the community, without being paid for it. Planting small seeds, doing something good for your fellow man, something beautiful always comes out of it."

Had you been to a prison before The Mustang?

"To visit friends, yes. In Merksplas, Hoogstraten, Hasselt, Dendermonde... We shouldn't talk about that any further. A prison is deep tristesse. Who dares to call that 'a hotel', shame on you."

This summer you painted an impressive mural in Paris in honor of George Floyd, murdered by American officers. And in Ostend last week a new mural was unveiled, with a 'decapitated' Leopold II. Is activism an important part of your street art?

"Graffiti used to be more of a style exercise for me, you want to create things that get noticed within the scene. But gradually I felt like communicating with a wider audience. I like to incorporate a lot of symbolism in my paintings, such as the cracks I photograph all over the world and then magnify them in another place. And the praying hands, a universal image of hope and faith in yourself. Art has the power to speak to our deepest emotions, and that is what binds us to the other. Connectedness, empathy, harmony, solidarity, that's the essence for me."

The corona crisis is one big exercise in empathy and solidarity. Sometimes we seem to lack that.

"I refuse to surrender to cynicism, and I surround myself with positive people who do beautiful things for others. This period would lead us to insights: how do we deal with each other? Do we help each other, or is it every man for himself? A human is such a wonderful creature, but we mess it up so much for ourselves.

"Yeah, I know. Some people who read this will think: this guy is smoking too many joints. (laughs) I don't smoke joints, and I'm not an unworldly idealist. But I will always focus my attention on the good, in spite of everything."

If you always want to see the good in people, are you sometimes disappointed?

"Yes, of course. I'm not a naive brat, I've learned to guard my boundaries. I can't please everyone all the time, and I don't let anyone rush me. I react badly when people put pressure on me because they want things from me. The perception of me that others have of me, I can't control. I don't let myself put out of balance easily anymore."

I saw that on your Instagram Stories you warned about fake profiles on social media, of people pretending to be you. That made you visibly angry.

"Really, that makes me angry. Every day I receive screenshots from people who have been tricked by crooks who approach innocent victims with my name and my pictures. There are stories of fans who have paid thousands of euros because they were promised a meet-and-greet with me. How disgusting is that? One person has transferred 14,000 euros to someone who pretended to be my manager.

"Of course, that raises questions about how gullible some people can be. But I've seen those chat conversations for myself: those criminals are terribly sneaky. They know how to play on the vulnerabilities of their victims in a very cunning way. This is manipulation and swindle of the filthiest kind.

"Really, I get physically unwell when I think about it. How can someone be so mean? If I ever catch these guys, I'm gonna bash their skulls in, I'm not kidding. Sorry."

Or: those crooks get a jail sentence, where you're going to give them acting lessons.

(laughs) "Okay, let it be clear that I think everyone should be punished for their crimes. My commitment to the prison system is not a plea for impunity, and I certainly don't want to romanticize crime.

"But when someone abuses innocent people's trust in such a cunning way, the question is: how did you derail so morally? And above all: how can we initiate a transformation in that person? Surely you can't lock someone up and expect that person to suddenly make better choices years later? First such a person has to take responsibility for his own actions."

Do you have something criminal on your conscience?

"No." (Thinks for a second) "No. Thank God. I couldn't live with that.

"I've probably hurt people in my life, like everybody else. Sometimes we just hurt people because of who we are, or because we can't fulfill what others want from us. But I have never harmed anyone consciously or criminally, no."

As a teenager you sometimes came into contact with the juvenile court, for vandalism. Do you think you could have ended up on the other side of the bars?

"Probably, a life can take strange turns sometimes."

What made you sit here today, and not get on the 'wrong' path?

"Wait... that's a good question. There's the one terrible dramatic event that caused a total turnaround in my life: when my dad went into a coma after a psychosis, and I was told he only had 24 hours left to live.

"I was 21 then, thrown out of school for the umpteenth time. I was doing graffiti and wanted to find my way creatively. But I was messing around, going with friends who... Anyway, there was latent danger, it threatened to go a little bit the wrong way.

"And then I got that phone call: come and say goodbye. Bam. The relationship with my father had been sour for years, we hardly saw each other. Until I stood there at his deathbed in intensive care... I only felt love, a wave of emotions that I had pushed down very deeply. That realization was rock-hard: this was it. My father and I will never get the chance to figure shit out, I thought.

"Long story, the rest is known: after 72 hours my father woke up from a coma against all odds. Like a plant: he could not speak, reacted to nothing or nobody. According to the chief psychiatrist, we had to accept that his condition would never improve. That was without the fighting spirit of my mother and me.

"It's because of that unlikely event that I've changed my whole lifestyle. For eight months, my mother and I went to visit my father every day. We talked to him, but he seemed to look straight through us. For hours we sat with him at the psychiatry department of Stuivenberg, how desperate those first months were also. We continued to fight, taught him to talk, to eat, to walk. A miracle, the doctors called it. Bullshit of course. It was love, dedication and stubbornness. Especially thanks to my mother, the lioness who kept fighting for him. And see how much beauty came out of it. My life then received an entirely different impulse.

"I suddenly think of an anecdote I've never told before. After a while we were allowed to take my father to the cafeteria once in a while, or to the garden. But he was absolutely not allowed to leave the hospital. Fuck it. I hid a bag of clothes for him, secretly dressed him in the toilet and took my father to the city. By bus, because I didn't have a driver's license. I wanted to stimulate his senses, test if any memories would come back. He was fond of Our Lady's Cathedral, so that's where I wanted to take him."

Matthiaske, why am I crying?

He plays it out. The written version here is only a dead script compared to the lived-through performance, right there on that dark square, just around the corner of the Arenbergschouwburg, where Matthias made his stage debut as a 9-year-old boy next to father Julien, as The Little Prince.

Matthias shows how he supported his frail dad, and how they shuffled in small, careful steps towards the cathedral. Dad looking at the ground to be sure not to fall. "I say, 'Dad, look up'. He looks up, and I see the tears rolling down his cheeks. I had never seen my father cry. 'Matthiaske,' he says, 'can you tell me why I'm crying?'

"I had already decided then that I would take my father into my house. Overconfident, yes, at that age, but they have become the most beautiful years of my life. Mom came by every day to help. Suddenly we were a bit of a family again, something we had only been for a short time when I was young."

It was at that time that you decided to become an actor. Why did you decide to become an actor?

"I had always resisted following in my father's footsteps. In my youth I mainly wanted to break away from my father, and seek my own path. I didn't want to have anything to do with him and all those loudmouths around him in the theater world. But most of all I was terrified that compared to the great Julien Schoenaerts I would never be good enough.

"Only now do I understand why I then decided to go to the conservatory. Not to become an actor, but to understand my father. We had so many years together, and now that we had been given a second chance, I wanted to get to know him as well as possible. By acting, maybe I could get closer to him." (pauses)

Sentimental fuss

He banishes the tears. It's one of the many things he has in common with his father, he says: they're both very emotional, but they hate sentimental fuss. "Come on, Matthias: breathe," he commands himself.

"Voilà, see how much beauty can come out of misery. What a chain of beautiful things came out of the fight my mother and I put up in the most hopeless situation. Who knows how differently my life would have turned out?"

"There are so many lessons in that. If we just talked about the rehabilitation of detainees, for example. It takes commitment. Not a workshop of two hours. You have to persevere, even in the event of a setback, with no guarantee of a happy ending. That's why I think it's so important to keep telling that story about my dad. Those are the values I believe in: dedication, stamina, attention, love. You can apply that to everything in life. Love is the fuel."

You often talk about your parents as if you want to keep them alive with your words.

"Because my mom and dad are the people I've loved most. With them I shared the most important moments, built the most beautiful memories. That loss is enormous. Life has been really fucking tough since they've been gone.

"That's what grabs me so much in this period. How many people have died of corona in Belgium?"

According to Google, today, on the day of the interview, the counter stands at almost 14,000 deaths.

"Fourteen thousand! Imagine how many people that has an impact on? How many people have suddenly lost their mother, father, brother, sister, best friend or neighbor? Behind those figures lie tens of thousands of poignant stories, of people who see a loved one torn from their lives. That is a mountain of unresolved grief, and far too little attention is paid to it."

Earlier during our conversation a guy had walked past coughing and maskless. It pissed Schoenaerts off: "And whining about masks or strict measures. Grow some fucking balls. Having to say goodbye to a loved one, that's the worst thing."

"Isn't that what this period teaches us? That our time here is limited? And what really counts in life: sharing moments of beauty with the people you hold most dear. All the rest is wallpaper. Having success, making movies, that's all fun. But the day you lie on your deathbed, you really don't think about the professional successes on your resume. No way."

#matthias schoenaerts #interviews #misc #by us

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halsteadshailey · 4 years ago

Text

A little too much fun

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Upstead, Mancel and Stellaride at Molly’s oneshot

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Set sometime after last week’s eps (all of them are pre-established)

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*slight language*

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can also be read on ao3 and wattpad

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“Are you coming?” Hailey called up the stairs to Jay who was taking an abnormally long time to grab his shoes.

The couple had moved in together just over a month into dating, anyone on the outside may think that they were moving too fast, but to them, they’d waited long enough. So over the past few weeks Jay had slowly been moving his things into Hailey’s apartment and now that they had finally sold his place, it was official.

“Yeah I’m ready, sorry” Jay replied as he came down the stairs.

“What took you so long?” his partner questioned.

“I couldn’t find my shoes” he said honestly “I guess I’m still getting used to living here”

“We’ll get used to it, I don’t plan on letting you leave anytime soon” Hailey responded with a light chuckle and placed a soft kiss on Jay’s lips.

“Oh, don’t worry, wouldn’t have it any other way” Jay said as he reached for Hailey’s hips to pull her closer and kissed her again.

After a moment they broke apart and Hailey checked her phone for the time.

“Come on, we gotta go, the others are probably already there” she stated as she laced her fingers between Jay’s and pulled them both through the door, locking it behind her.

—

Stella was just waking up from a nap when she got a message from Hailey.

‘Sorry we might be a little late, but we’re on our way, see you in a bit’

“Shit” the firefighter whispered under her breath as she nudged her sleeping boyfriend awake. “Kelly, we gotta get up, we said we’d meet Hailey and the others at Molly’s”

The pair had been on shift the previous day and got home from one of the longest nights of their life that morning. Call after call they couldn’t seem to catch a break so, naturally, when they got home they slept.

Luckily they had both already showered so all they needed to do was get changed and go, they also happened to live a lot closer to the bar than Jay and Hailey did so time was on their side.

Once they were both changed and Stella had put a little bit of make up on they were out the door and on their way, due to the location of their apartment, they would actually be on time.

—

Natalie and Crockett made it to Molly’s first out of the three couples but they weren’t there long before Stella and Kelly showed up, closely followed by Hailey and Jay.

Nat had told Crockett about Hailey’s invitation to meet her and the other first responders at Molly’s last week and at first he was hesitant, simply because he still felt like the new guy but he quickly accepted when Nat talked some sense into him saying something along the lines of ‘Well the best way to change that is to get out and spend time with your friends, otherwise everyone will see you as the new guy forever’. He knows that he’s not technically new anymore anyway, but because of the pandemic it had been hard to be social. This meant he had made few friends outside of the hospital and despite being there a whole year before the pandemic hit, back then he was actually the new guy meaning he was just trying to get settled and wasn’t too focussed on making friends.

The group of six however had grown fairly close after spending a few long nights at Molly’s together. Stella and Hailey had become friends very quickly after Hailey helped the firefighter out when she got a bad feeling on a call and together they found the abducted kids.

This naturally lead Kelly and Jay to spend some time with each other once the detectives’ relationship was out in the open. Natalie and Crockett seemed to fit perfectly into the group, Nat being good friends with the girls already and as for Crockett, he fell into conversation easily with Jay and Kelly, all three guys having a similar sense of humour and a shared love of sports.

This was the first night that they had actually planned that all six of them would spend together and it was an idea that Hailey and Nat had when the police officer brought a victim into Med.

“Hey guys, sorry we’re late” Hailey said as her and Jay made their way to the table where their friends were sitting.

“It’s all good, nice to see you guys” Crockett replied.

Jay smiled and offered to buy the first round.

The six of them sat together at the table for the better part of an hour, sharing stories, laughing, talking about anything but work. It was like a breath of fresh air that none of them knew they needed.

Eventually the guys split off from their partners as the game started and made their way to the bar to watch it on the TV.

The girls remained at the table, looking over at their boyfriends occasionally and not being able to help but smile.

“So how are you and Jay doing?” Stella asked Hailey “ya know, with living together and being out in the open and all”.

Jay and Hailey has revealed their relationship to their colleagues just a few weeks before they started to move Jay’s stuff in. They figured it was time to tell everyone (if they didn’t already know) and they knew there was no way they’d be able to hide it once they lived together anyway.

They went to Voight first, he told them he’d known for a while but as long as it wasn’t affecting how they worked, which it wasn’t, he didn’t plan on saying anything until they did. They signed all the HR forms that they needed to and Voight told them he was glad to see them both happy and that they deserved it after everything. The partners were very relieved and grateful towards their boss and how he reacted to this new level of their relationship.

Like Voight, the rest of the unit were very congratulatory towards the partners when they were told the news, and they all payed up when Kevin reminded them that he had guessed the closest therefore won the bet. The team had had a bet on when the detectives would get together since Jay got kidnapped and shot trying to help Angela, they knew it was only a matter of time until the detectives admitted their feelings that everyone else could see were there but seemingly they had no idea about.

“It’s going great” Hailey responded “living together has been really fun and our relationship has never been a problem at work” she finished with a smile and a quick glance at her boyfriend who was now on the edge of his seat which she assumed had everything to do with the game they were watching.

“How about you? How are you guys doing?” Hailey added referring to the slight mishap that Stella and Kelly had made it through.

“Yeah is that all over now?” the doctor at the table questioned.

“Yeah yeah, we’re doing fine. You know, Kelly’s Kelly and I wouldn’t change him for anyone, but sometimes he can be a real piece of work” Stella said.

“I hear that” Natalie responded receiving a laugh from her friends.

“And what about you Nat? How’s your hot surgeon boyfriend?” Stella asked in a teasing tone with a chuckle.

“Ahh he’s good” she replied with a smile “funniest guy i know” she added receiving an ‘aww’ from both Hailey and Stella.

The three girls carried on chatting, often gazing over at their boyfriends when they celebrated something in the game or when one of them said something causing the other two to laugh loud. All three were beyond happy right where they were in that moment.

About half an hour later the game was over and the guys made their way back over to the table.

“Hey guys, how was the game?” Nat asked no one in particular as her boyfriend took a seat next to her and she leant against his side.

“Great! We won” Kelly said as he placed his hand on Stella’s neck and sat down beside her.

“We could tell” she replied, referring to the loud cheers that came from the bar when the game finished.

Jay took a seat next to Hailey and put his arm over her shoulders with his hand hanging down by her side, the perfect place for her to play with his fingers. This was something she did very often when they were eating or drinking together, whether it was across the table or leant against his side it still sent a spark through his arm to his heart.

As it got later and later the bar started to empty and eventually the group decided to call it a night. They all grabbed their jackets off the back of their chairs and made their way outside once they’d thanked Herrman who had been serving them all night.

Once they were outside they all parted ways. Kelly had his arm around Stella as she was attempting to keep him steady since he’d maybe had one too many to drink. Seeing as she still felt pretty beat from their last shift she, on the other hand, hadn’t had much to drink so was still able to drive.

Differently, neither Natalie or Crockett had held back on the drinking since they were both coming off a week being on call and not being able to drink at all so after Nat and Hailey hugged goodbye, Crockett grabbed his girlfriend’s hand and helped her into the cab he’d called.

Hailey and Jay were also probably ok to drive but decided against it based on the fact that they didn’t actually live that far away and it would definitely be safer to walk.

It was a cold evening so Hailey was hugged closely into Jay’s side as they started walking, one of her hands in her pocket and one around his back, his in a similar way but due to their height difference his non-pocketed hand was over her shoulders not around her back.

—

‘Tonight was really fun, thanks for inviting us all Hailey’ Nat sent to the group chat with Hailey and Stella that they had made one evening for a reason they can’t remember as her and Crockett made it back into her apartment.

“Hey, thanks for making me go tonight, I really do love spending time with the guys” Crockett expressed to his girlfriend as he took his shoes off and hung up their jackets.

“Is it only the guys you wanted to spend time with?” Nat responded in a flirty tone.

Crockett smiled and decided to play along “Yeah, well, there is this one girl that I wanted to see”

“Oh yeah, who would that be?” Nat said as she looped her arms around his shoulders.

“She’s a doctor at Med actually” he continued the joke “brunette, really pretty, funny too” the surgeon continued as he placed his hands on Natalie’s hips.

“Hmm, she sounds great”

“Oh, she is”

And with that, the couple connected lips and he lifted her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Their kiss deepening as they made their way into the bedroom.

—

Stella and Kelly’s arrival to their apartment was a different story. Stella parked her truck outside and they steadily made it up the stairs to their door. Keeping Kelly close to her side, she unlocked it and made her way straight towards their bedroom where she lay her already half-asleep boyfriend down.

She attempted to keep him awake long enough to get him changed but she very quickly gave in to just removing his shoes and his jacket then laying down next to him after getting herself changed and falling asleep too.

—

“Hails?” Jay called from their bed as he heard the shower turn off.

“What’s up?” his girlfriend responded as she walked out of the bathroom towel drying her hair.

“Your phone’s been going off, Nat and Stella saying thanks” he explained, handing her her phone.

“You reading my messages huh?” Hailey prodded playfully as she folded the towel up and put it down, climbing in to bed next to Jay and taking her phone from him.

He couldn’t think of anything witty to say in response so instead he gave her a quick kiss on the lips and pulled her close to him.

On their walk home they had both admitted that they weirdly weren’t that tired so Jay decided to find something for them to watch on TV while she checked her phone as they lay side by side, his arm behind her head and their legs tangled together under the bed sheets.

Hailey let out a quiet laugh as she opened the group chat and saw a picture of Kelly passed out in bed that Stella had sent followed by a message saying, ‘some of us maybe had too much fun’.

Her laugh caused Jay to turn to look at her phone too, the picture making him chuckle. “I’m honestly not sure how Kelly had so much more to drink than me or Crockett” he said, causing Hailey to laugh.

She put down her phone and hugged closer into Jay’s side, placing her head on his chest. He placed a kiss in her hair and they both turned their attention to the TV and fell asleep pretty quickly, clearly a little more tired than they had originally thought.

#one chicago #upstead #stellaride #mancel #chicago pd #chicago fire #chicago med

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askcarlislecullen · 4 years ago

Note

this isn't really a 'question' question, but how are you doing? with the state of the pandemic it can't be easy both mentally and physically, so hope your doing ok :)

This is a very thoughtful question and it caught me more than a little off-guard. Thank you for asking. I wish I could say that yes, everything is swimming along, and I am optimistic and hopeful, and I am enjoying my work and am lovingly resting with my family. That is not true. I am overworking and I know it; I am exhausted and worried and quite frightened and sad. That’s a good part of the reason I’ve answered far more questions here than I ever intended to after whatever happened in August which caused people to take such a renewed interest in my family. I find answering them encourages me to dwell on happier things and lets me be reflective in a way that helps my mental health, even if periodically I have to step away from the questions for long stretches to work or to be a fully attentive husband. Vampires don’t become tired in body the way humans do; exhaustion manifests for us as a shortened attention span and restlessness. To combat the restlessness, I am right now working at two medical centers which are two hundred fifty miles apart. With my commute time, I am usually away from the house for around ninety to a hundred twenty hours a week. When we moved here, it was because the pandemic was absolutely out of control in these counties; I was signing between five and ten death certificates a day. That has slowed down significantly, thank goodness, but I still lose patients to COVID on more shifts than I don’t. Esme has been restoring the home we live in. It’s one of our former homes, and I suppose I was remiss in the question I answered not so long ago about not having given any anniversary gifts yet. This wasn’t an anniversary gift per se, but I did surprise her with the plans to return to it. She was overjoyed. Its construction pre-dates both electricity and indoor plumbing, and while it had been retrofitted for both even when we lived here last, it was nevertheless always retrofit. So we spent the better part of November living with no interior or exterior walls, and for one forty-eight hour period, no roof, while Esme ran entirely new systems in the house. Living like actual vampires does not suit either of us well and I regret to say that we (mostly me) were snippier with each other than is usual. But we have lights and plumbing and even things like crown molding now, and it will be a long while before I again take for granted the ability to enjoy a steaming shower. I haven’t hugged my children in nearly ten months. I talk to them frequently—Edward and I phone almost daily—but it’s not the same. I ache with how much I miss them. And last week I watched in horror as the seat of government in the country I consider my adopted home, the country where I truly found my freedom, was brutally ransacked by insurrectionists at the urging of the sitting president. That was beyond heartbreaking. I believe in this country. I am angry about where we seem to be right now. I am confident we will recover, but I am unsure how many human lifetimes that will take. That all being said: Part of the reason there’s need for me to work is that we are keeping many more patients alive than we were eight months ago. One of the vaccines I worked on has now been administered to millions of people. My children and granddaughter are safe. And I am living in a home I cherish and have wonderful memories of with the woman I adore more than anyone on this Earth. When I wanted to relocate back to the U.S. to help with the pandemic, I was adamant that she stay with the children, knowing how busy I would be. She was equally adamant that she come with me. Esme has possessed the ability to see straight through the lies I tell myself since she was an injured sixteen-year-old girl, and thank goodness for that because this would all be so much harder without her. We share at least one passionate kiss every time we’re together, no matter how short a time span; I make love to her as often as I’m able; I cry on her shoulder when I need to. I’ll be all right, in the end. We all will be.

#carlisle cullen #esme cullen #covid #history #family

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imagineclaireandjamie · 4 years ago

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Shielded. Chapter Four

Happy Sunday all, back to the usually scheduling this week. I hope you enjoy the next week of lockdown with Jamie and Claire <3 Mod MBD.

Anonymous said to imagineclaireandjamie:

It does not matter what you bear, but how you bear it. [Seneca]

CHAPTER FOUR: WEEK TWO - Home and Away.

As Monday rolled around again, the weekend having passed by in a blur, Claire sat at the breakfast table with a fresh cup of coffee in her hands. Having ventured down during the day on both Saturday and Sunday, she had hoped to bump into Jamie and pass on her thanks to his generosity but he had been out before sunrise each day and she had been asleep before he’d returned home.

Resolute, however, she chose to spend her day downstairs and hopefully get something on for dinner before he came back so she could at least start the week off right.

Fate, however, wasn’t on her side. By 10pm, with the lasagne tucked away, wrapped in foil, in the fridge, she covered her mouth with a yawn and pulled herself up the stairs to bed.

The crash and smashing of a glass bought her out of her sleep as the clock beside her bed clicked over to 3am. Pulling herself from beneath the sheets, she crept downstairs, eager not to scare him as she approached the kitchen.

“Couldn’t sleep?” She asked, knowing full well he had only just returned home.

He was stood by the sink, cold lasagna on the countertop and his mucky boots still on his feet. With the fork held to his mouth, he smiled as he took another bite of the pasta, chewed and then shook his head. “I havena ever been the best sleeper but it’s lambing season, aye? One of them got into bother and I couldna leave her until I knew she was safe.”

“And she made it?”

“Aye. I was luckier tonight than I was at the weekend.”

“Oh, dear...that doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s the job, I’m afraid. If I didna lose at least a handful a year I’d be shocked.”

It was the first real (and longest) conversation they’d had since she’d arrived and she was suddenly grateful for the company. He was calm, grounded and relaxed in the way a lot of city dwellers weren’t. She could tell in the slump of his shoulders that it didn’t matter how long and awkward his day was, how messy or how little sleep he had gotten the night before, he was still weightless almost, free of the constraint modern living brought to most.

“I wanted to say thank you,” she broke in, remembering the reason she’d half-blindly stumbled down in the middle of the night, “you’ve been so amazing - to get me materials for a garden, that’s...above and beyond the call of duty.”

“Ach,” shaking his head, he finished the last of his supper, balled the tin foil up and placed it in the bin, “dinna fash yersel’ about that. It’s no’ a problem.”

He was embarrassed, she could tell. Abashed, his accent had become incredibly thick and almost impossible to understand. But it was quiet enough here that there was no background noise to blot out his sentence and luckily she didn’t have to ask him to repeat himself.

“Well, nonetheless,” ignoring the slight reddening of his cheeks she continued, “I am very grateful to you. For everything.”

With nothing more to say between them, she waved, smiled and backed off, feeling strangely pleased with herself for breaking the silence between them. Hopefully, she thought as she climbed the stairs back to her room, there would be some evenings in the future when they could eat together and she could show her appreciation by making him something warm and fresh.

-- --

By mid-week, she had yet to see Jamie again. His work was intense, and yet, despite that, he had still managed to begin construction of her tiny garden.

In her haste she had forgotten that she wasn’t allowed outside the house and, as she’d watched the greenhouse foundations being laid, she had become almost inconsolable about the fact that she probably wouldn’t get the chance to tend to any of the produce grown in it.

She knew, however, that safety was more important than new hobbies and she chose, instead, to make detailed lists of the daily needs of each of the seeds and plants Jamie had procured for her.

She started with the tomatoes and grapes, which needed to be contained within the glass walls in order to collect enough light and heat to survive. She noted water levels, soil PH and balance and daily rituals which would need to be abided by in order for the best crop to be formed. It filled most of her days and when the sun went down, she’d swap her notepad for the computer as she researched all the differences she might see in her fruit and veg determined all by the way they were treated as they grew.

Though she had never been an artist, she started to search for youtube videos on how botanical art could be created. Having no coloured pencil crayons or watercolours, she stuck to pencil sketches and began to leave more post-it’s, this time with future predictions on what the garden might produce for the household.

Once again Jamie enjoyed coming home. There had only been a few days lapse in her communications but when he didn’t see her for days, it was the one thing he could rely on to buoy his spirits.

They were different, in so many ways, but on a subconscious level, he pondered to himself at night as he held the drawing of some rare cabbage in his hands, Jamie felt as if they had very many similar quirks. He’d been pleased that his idea to leave her be for as long as she needed had been a success and was grateful she felt at home enough to reform her life around his. Her asking for the garden made him realise how easy it might be for someone else to fit into his own life without causing him much grief.

It was only a small thing, but to him it had made a huge difference. Having lived alone for so long, he had almost forgotten how malleable people could be. Though, he thought as he rifled around in the fridge for more pre-made meals, he had probably just gotten lucky with Claire.

The thought also occurred to him that she had been inadvertently raised more suited to this life than her old one, but he didn’t know enough about her to advance on the notion.

It wasn’t until late on Thursday when they came face to face together. After another heavy day and late night, Jamie finally toe-ed off his work boots at nearly midnight and made his way, quietly, through to the kitchen.

He had not expected to nearly bump straight into Claire has she dished up what looked like a very tasty stir fry.

“I thought you might be sick of reheating pasta dishes, so I thought I’d try and wait for you this time.”

“Ye didna have to, it’s very late.” He scratched the back of his neck bashfully, even she couldn;t find the truth in his words and she smiled as she placed a fresh bottle of soy sauce in the centre of the table. “But this does smell delicious.”

“It’s taken me a few attempts to hone it, but I’ve been practicing most evenings this week to try and get it perfect, flavour as well as how long I need to cook the veg for.”

“What’s the meat?” He asked, watching as his stomach rumbled audibly.”

“I used the duck, I hope you don’t mind. I used chicken earlier in the week but I couldn’t seem to get it as tender as I wanted it and a few forums online suggested that duck might be a better substitute if I wanted meat with a bit more moisture.”

“Perfect. Use any meat you want from the freeze, for anything. Honestly, I forget most of the time what I’ve got in there.”

Placing several bowls filled with various meats, vegetables and sides, she went back to the sink to wash the remaining stickiness of her hands before beckoning him to start without her. “I had hoped you weren’t saving anything for a special occasion.”

“Ach, I think the virus has put pay to anything like that for a while,” he began, filling his plate with noodles, duck and beansprouts, “my sister - she lives in Canada now - had planned a summer visit, but we’re no’ sure of anything at the moment.”

“Is she the one in the photo,” Claire enquired, taking a mouthful of her own concoction and swallowing back the relief when it tasted nice - a mixture of sweet and savory that wasn’t as overpowering or as dry as it had been earlier on in the day when she’d made the first of the final tests. “The one with brown hair?”

“Aye, she is. Her partner, Ian, got a job out there a few years ago and they emigrated. We talk as often as we can on Skype and FaceTime but it’s become sporadic recently wi’ my erratic work hours. She’s a nurse, ya see, and works odd shift patterns too. But we try and keep in touch at least once a month.”

“Do you miss her?”

“I didna really think about it, we were close....until we werena. Then they moved away and I fell into a new routine.”

He had begun to speak without thinking, filling up the silence with answers to her questions as they ate in between conversation. He had, though, had the forethought to stop before giving too much away. The thought hurt his heart and he had to inhale between a bite of his dinner to gather himself back up. He knew, given time, that he would be alright with sharing his past (as he hoped she would be with hers) but tonight wasn’t the night for revelations.

Sensing his reluctance to continue, she moved on, understanding that she herself wasn’t in a place to open up about her own family life.

“I can imagine Skype is about the only way most are communicating at the moment.” Sighing, she started to collect the empty dishes and load the dishwasher. “I’m quite grateful, actually, that I don’t have anyone to keep in touch with. It’s all...quite scary.”

It was the first time Jamie had consciously thought about the pandemic, being cut off from the outside world had its benefits and he felt relieved that he could separate himself from the constant barrage of news that he supposed others would be exposed to. He realised that both he and Claire were unique now, part of a smaller section of society where being remote was almost a blessing rather than a curse.

“If you ever need to talk, lass,” standing, he helped to clean up the remaining mess from dinner, his hand almost brushing against hers as he wiped the countertop down, breaking only to hover for a second before returning to his job, “ye know where I am. Please dinna think you have nobody...if yer concerned, aye?”

“Thank you Jamie.” Pulling her fleece cardigan across her chest she walked slowly to the kitchen door, pausing for a second in the doorway just to make sure she’d left nothing out to go cold and mouldy overnight. “The same to you. I’m a good listener, I promise, if you ever need to talk, or if you need any help.”

She’d been thinking about his life on the farm for a few days now, watching the rolling hills out of her window, seeing the sheep and cattle on the horizon and -very occasionally- seeing the silhouette of him roaming his land. There was little she could do from indoors, she knew, but there had been chores around the house that she could potentially complete. Putting herself to task, she had learned new basic kitchen skills but only this morning she’d noticed the beginnings of a hole on the seam of his trousers as they dried on the rail in the courtyard and she thought it might be something she could tend to...should he be alright with it.

Leaving with the quiet settling calmly between them, she noted the relaxing of the muscles in his face as he smiled and nodded as she turned and carried herself to bed.

Resting against the faux-marble worktop, Jamie closed his eyes as he waited for the soft slam of her bedroom door before he followed her up. She just might, he thought to himself as he undressed himself, taking a towel from his radiator and making his way to the shower, be better equipped for this life than I am.

#anonymous #ask #shielded #Jamie X Claire #;mod mbd

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yessoupy · 4 years ago

Text

i think i have to unstan harry styles.

best weekend of my life (so far)

it's been a week [a fucking year] and I still haven't posted my review. at this point y'all know the show was awesome. hannah is posting her pics after a week straight of actually working (let's take up a collection to hire hannah to go to harry shows and produce exclusive content for us, what do you say?). after a week [a YEAR] away from the harrie commune all I can say is.... I don't know if I can continue on this way without it. i might have to stop altogether. [somehow, i’ve made due.]

after the last show of the 2018 tour I had such a fierce feeling that I'd missed out on something I would have really loved. there was nothing to do for it, since it was my sister's wedding day, so I moved on pretty quickly. but I also made the decision that for harry's next tour, I was going to go all out.

my dudes, what a way to ring in the new era. [and present me needs to interject here that i think i knew that something was going to go horribly wrong in 2020. even with tickets in hand to such faraway shows as phoenix, denver, and raleigh, i could NOT book flights or hotels as late as february. i knew about coronavirus in late december because i was traveling abroad and acutely aware of travel warnings about wuhan province. and in early february we had our mardi gras party and franny showed up kind of sick and i hugged her but cautiously, mentally cataloguing her symptoms. so when it finally happened i think i was just ... resigned. and that’s why i wasn’t as upset as i would have been if nothing had changed from the time i started writing this review.]

this kind of show always seemed like something that happened to other people. getting the actual tickets was rather stressful (though not as stressful an experience as others had...) but once everything shook itself out i couldn’t even think about the weekend or else I’d implode. thank god for @chasm2018‘s organizational abilities.

we missed a measles exposure at LAX by 2 days (bless). my first harrie commune™ experience of the weekend was riding the connections shuttle to pick up @papiermachecat at terminal 6 like she was a conquering hero (she is). we rode the connections shuttle to pick up @stylesinthewild and found a little table at starbucks in the baggage claim to wait for the bay area harries to arrive in their rented minivan full of goodies.

we piled in and hannah got us to our two hotel rooms, one with three queen beds, and somehow we got to the forum twice, once to buy pre-show merch and then the final time for the fine line show. we all dressed up and then took just ONE picture. one.

you know how the show went. i’m trying to cover ground that the squad hasn’t already posted [a YEAR AGO]

here is the note I DM'd to harry the next morning, which i think sums everything up nicely:

thank you for the show last night at the forum. I flew in from Houston and met up with friends from all over, only one of whom I'd gotten to hug in real life prior to yesterday. today we're sharing beds and toothpaste and fond memories. thank you for being you and bringing us all together. 💜

i don’t remember WHEN i sent it, maybe 3am, but later that day i took an uber to a vegan tattoo artist’s backyard studio to get a planned tattoo that @papiermachecat had sketched for me and my impulse tattoo of a fine line around my left wrist. while i was doing that, the squad finished up eating breakfast with other harries and then went to stand in the pop-up shop line.

you’ve heard the line stories. i fucking LOVE standing in a line for something because of the people you meet. in front of us we had a personal DJ who’d play what people wanted to hear and airdropped a picture of harry’s dick from WMYB. we’d break off in pairs to go to CVS or visit other people we knew in line. and this hasn’t been written about before, but one of those times hannah and i were walking around the block we saw some men standing by some cars near the entrance and we kind of stopped.... and i think at the same time realized who we were looking at ... and after looking around and realizing that no one else in the fucking line recognized jeff azoff hannah went in for the kill. we thanked him for taking such good care of harry, answered questions he had for us, thanked him again, i had the presence of mind at the end to tell him our names, and we took the pop-up shop merch menus that hadn’t been passed out to anyone yet, and then walked back to our spot in line silently, processing that moment. sometimes i’ll think about that conversation and get all warm and fuzzy thinking about that show and how well it went and how much LOVE there was for everything and harry and between all of us and it sustains me through a shitty, shitty pandemic day at work.

eventually we got through the line and got our merch and looked at all the things they had set up and after moving our reservation back we got to cafe habana to sit at a very familiar table and i took off my bandages to show my tattoos to everyone (to this day i regret not having the presence of mind to show jeff my brand new fine line tattoo, he would have loved it) and we ate and laughed and had the server take our picture and that’s probably what i miss most about the weekend, being in that place imbued with such silly meaning to us and all FEELING that gravity of where we were and being able to recognize it in each others’ eyes and smiles. perfect weather, amazing food, the best company.

the early morning saw our three queen room breaking up, and @papiermachecat left a single zyrtec in the middle of the room on the floor, bringing me to tears laughing even without her physical presence. @chasm2018 and i went to randy’s donuts (where we met up with @treatpeoplewithnice again) and GOD i want to eat donuts that good again.

it was sad to leave LA that afternoon, wearing my new tpwk oversized hoodie. it wasn’t the last time i was around a big crowd of people, wasn’t even the last concert i attended before all of this happened (that was in vienna on december 30), but it was the last time i was going to be full of unbridled joy. that weekend was the real ode to joy.

we’ll get back to it, it’s just going to take some time.

@stylesinthewild, @papiermachecat, @greeneyesharry & emily, @treatpeoplewithnice, @aggresivelyfriendly, and @chasm2018: fine line forum squad forever in my heart. that weekend will always be so special to me for so many reasons and it wouldn’t have been the same without each and every one of you.

@accidentalharrie and @styloff - ONE of these times we’ll be in the same place for long enough to do more than hug and grin at each other.

@ferryboatpeak and @ticklefighthockey - it was great to meet you! and la who would have thought then our next meeting would be in the backyard of an airbnb sitting six feet apart because we don’t want to spread a disease?

to harry, who isn’t reading this but i need all of you who ARE to know my heart ... thank you for bringing these people into my life. this experience of being your fan has changed me in such profound ways that there’s really no way to express it. it’s less about you and more about those who love you like i do, and i love them. and you.

to jeff, thank you for taking such good care of harry and having his best interests at heart.

to anne, thank you for raising such a good person and giving him to the world.

to camille, thank you for fine line. without you, that weekend doesn’t happen the way it did and i love that weekend.

#fine line live #one night only #my 'review' a year later

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lunarr-rrose · 4 years ago

Video

Our Latest Fix and Flip Deal - Fernando Angelucci, The Storage Stud

https://u109893.h.reiblackbook.com/generic11/the-storage-stud/our-latest-fix-and-flip-deal/

In this video, Fernando will talk about his Fix and Flip deal in Schaumburg, Illinois.

It is a very interesting and unique property because it has a lot of lessons built into it.

The property has been stuck in probate for more or less 7 years. When the owner finally moved the property from probate she decided to sell it. At the same time, she is also building a house in Florida and expected to move- in into that home on December 15, 2020.

Although before she could move in, the builder of her house in Florida required her to pay all the cost by December 14.

Thus for the need for Fernando’s team to sell the other property in Illinois.

The house was built in the 1970s. It’s a 3,000 sqm floor area property with five bedrooms and two and a half bathrooms. It has a full basement with a pool table and bar. It also features a spa room with a hot tub. It has an outdoor pool as well. It sits on 1.2 acres in the middle of forest preserves that gives a very secluded ambiance.

The only issue with the house is it’s super outdated and a lot of things are not up to code which brings a lot of safety issues. This gives Fernando’s team a lot of work to Fix and Flip this house.

If you want to learn more about how and how much Fernando’s team spent in fixing and flipping this house, just continue watching this video.

Fernando O. Angelucci is Founder and President of Titan Wealth Group. He also leads the firm’s finance and acquisitions departments. Fernando Angelucci and Steven Wear founded Titan Wealth Group in 2015, and under his leadership, the firm’s revenue has grown over 100% year over year. Today,

Find out more at

https://www.TheStorageStud.com

https://titanwealthgroup.com/

Listen to our Podcast:

https://thestoragestud.podbean.com/e/our-latest-fix-and-flip-deal-fernando-angelucci-the-storage-stud/

---------------------------------------

Hey! Guys and gals, Fernando Angelucci here, wanted to go deep dive on a few deals that we've done in the last couple of weeks. We've been getting a lot of requests for us to go a little bit further in detail on both our wholesale single family business, also our fix and flip business and some of the commercial assets we do. So, the first property I want to talk about is a fix and flip project in Schaumburg, Illinois. Very interesting deal, very interesting unique property, and has a kind of, a lot of lessons built into it. So, originally we had met with the seller and the property had been stuck in probate for something like seven years, something ridiculous. And she finally got it to clear through probate and was ready to move on with her life.

So, she wanted to sell it. And then, simultaneously she started building a home down in Florida and was slated to move into that home on December 15th. But to be able to move into that home, the builder required that she wired all of the proceeds by December 14th. So she said, Hey, Fernando, really like your company, like the options that you bring multiple investors to the table. But I'm telling you right now, I have to close on December 14th, no matter what. I said, okay, that's no problem. We've got plenty of time. So, we walk through the property. It's an old property built in the 1970's. It's gorgeous. It's 3000 square feet. It has five bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms. It has a full basement with a pool table and bar. It has a spa room with a hot tub. It's got an outdoor pool.

It sits on 1.2 acres in the middle of a forest preserve. So it's, even though it's only five minutes from the highway, it feels super secluded. When you get in there, there's tons of huge growth trees, old growth trees all around the house. So as you know, this should be no problem. The only issue with the house was that it's super outdated and everything was kind of hodgepodged together. So, the person that originally built it was an HVAC contractor. So, they kind of did all their little, you know, twists and turns in it, dual zone, heating, dual zone cooling some things weren't really done up to code. And then, when the seller bought it, her husband was also very good with his hands. So they would do a lot of, you know, let's just say not up to code changes to the house running, you know, 120 electrical under the ground without a guide wire.

So, that's pretty dangerous if you accidentally hit it. When you're excavating, they had gas pipes that were running all over the property to heat the pool and, you know, to do the old lights when they're still gas lights. So that's also not very safe as well. We also found a ton of just safety issues. There was two major gas leaks that were going on in the house. One from one of the furnaces, another one from the garage heater, the property actually has three garages on it. So just super interesting house, very large lot, gorgeous areas, just outdated and needed a bunch of work. So I said, okay, we did the analysis on the property. And I figured that there'd be anywhere between a hundred thousand to $150,000 worth of work, depending on the level of finishes that you wanted to put into this property.

We ended up going under contract for 325,000. I originally offered her 300,000. But when she ran through her number and said, Hey, you know, for me to get this done today, I really need 325,000. I said, all right, that's no problem. So, we took a few things off of our budget. Got the property signed over. I told her, Hey, you know, there's a good chance, probably 80% chance that we're going to sign this contract over to one of the investors that we work with. All the terms will be the exact same to you. The closing date and timelines will be the exact same to you. But it's just going to be a different entity. That's going to be closing on it. And the reason for that is we either will partner with our investors. So they'll put up the funds or if the deal doesn't have enough meat on the bone for them, where they don't want to split the profits with us, then they'll actually ask to buy us out through an assignment and we'll make an assignment fee.

So, that was the original plan on this. Had a couple investors walk through that were ready to you know, fix and flip the house. I ended up getting an offer at 380,000, to take down the property, to do the rehab. The only issue was, this was, it was one of the highest offers I got, out of the seven or eight offers that are received on the property, all ranging from 335,000 all the way up to 380. So, it was the highest offer. So we decided to take a chance on these investors, because, you know, usually I like to to have a pre-established relationship, somebody that I've done business with before, however, it's a catch 22. I can't have a business relationship with you if I've never given you the opportunity to close on your first deal with us.

So, this was one of those types of situations, where I gave them the opportunity to prove to me that they're a good investor and they follow through on their work. So fast forward. It's about, I think it's around December 1st at this point. So we're 14, 13, 14 days from closing and the investors. They saw that we had the property under contract for 325,000. Originally I told them, I said, Hey, we're, we have an under contract below 380, and we're going to keep the difference. And they said, that's fine. But then when they saw how much we were making, they started to get a little greedy and started counting our pennies. Which, you know, I don't count if you're going to make 150,000 or $200,000 on a rehab project. I'm not going to ask you for a portion of that. So, I expect the same level of professionalism when you're working with me.

Why does it matter? I have it under contract. Well, they didn't see it that way and they want it to tarnish the relationship. So, on December 1st, they decided to redact their offer and resubmit an offer at 330,000. They thought that because closing was so close, I'd have no other way to go with a back up offer. And, that they kind of had me in a corner. And I said, listen, you know, I'm not, I'm not bluffing with you. Not only do I have seven other buyers behind you, but I'm also willing to do this project myself. And again, they thought that I was bluffing. So, they tried calling my bluff. I said, all right, you know, that's it, we're just going to cancel the contract. So, I ended up closing on the property myself on December 14th, we ran the scope, just hired the contractor today.

So, I'm super excited about it. And so here are the basic numbers. So, we have it for 325,000. We can spend anywhere between a hundred to 150,000 in rehab, depending on the level of finishes that we're going to put into the property. And then, that will allow us to sell it anywhere between 580 to 610,000 plus, depending on the type of buyer. I think that $600,000 number is going to be super fair. We're in a market right now, where there is super low inventory. Every property that I send out to my investors, every property that I list on the MLS is usually getting anywhere between seven to 15 offers within the first two weeks. So, truly is a seller's market right now, just because of the low inventory. I think that was because of, you know, the pandemic is really causing people to kind of hold back, slow down on any major costs, slow down on any transition.

So, to sell a property, you usually have to have another one lined up to buy as well. And because not a lot of people want to do that. There's low inventory, it's causing an artificial price increase. I think this artificial market's gonna last probably until the, probably the end Q3 to Q4 of 2021. And then at that point, I think we're going to start seeing things kind of normalize again, but because they're super low supply we're just in a perfect time to do this. So, get with the contractor, we should be able to finish this project in about eight weeks. He's a really good friend of mine. He does amazing work. He's actually one of my investors, that also buys properties from me. And so I know him really well. I have a great with them and I'm just super stoked, really excited to start working with him. In the end of that eight week rehab, we're going to go ahead and sell the property or listed at least with a whole set of professional photos, professional videos.

We're going to do a 3d virtual reality experience where you can, you know, on your computer or even put on these virtual reality goggles. You can walk through the entire house, look all around, look at the ceiling, look at the floors. You can measure things. It's going to be super cool. So, this was very like just opportunistic deal for us to take down. And again, like I said before, there was a lot of lessons learned in this, you know, number one, if somebody says that they are willing to close on the deal, if a wholesaler says that they're willing to close on the deal, number one on the wholesaler side, they better mean it because this seller had a drop dead date of December 14th. If, the money was not wired to the builder in Florida on December 14th, when she got down there with her rental truck that she's paying, gosh knows how much money for, I mean, it's a huge truck to fit 3000 square foot feet worth of house into, you know, they wouldn't have given her the keys and now she's got to pay additional holding costs.

Now, she has nowhere to live. She's down in Florida with nowhere to stay. It's just, it's one of those things that we see all the time, some of our competitors, you know, they're not equipped to close on these deals and they truly are, you know, just trying to flip contracts with no backup plan. And sometimes it causes sellers to be left in the dirt. It's really a shame. The next thing is on the buyer. And the lessons learned from the buyer end is, you know, when someone says, Hey, I'm not bluffing. I'll close on this myself. You know, you gave us your word that this, this number worked for you. And then all of a sudden, once you saw how much we were making on the deal, now it's no longer a good deal for you. That's, you know, when you allow greed to guide your decisions, you end up losing out on good deals and not only good deals, but, you know, future relationships, I'm never going to send this buyer deals again.

We removed them from all of our marketing list. And now they are going to miss out on one of the premier deal sources in the Chicago land area for deeply discounted real estate investment deals. So, that was another huge lesson learned on the buyer side is, you know, do what you say you're going to do, act with integrity and don't let greed get the best of you. Then at the same time, it was also a great opportunity for our equity partners. We had a few equity partners that wanted to get involved in the deal. They really like it. They're newer to real estate investing. So I said, Hey, here's what we'll do, whatever amount you want to invest. That's totally fine. I can cover the difference. So both me and my partner, Jason are also investing in the property through our individual, entities, as opposed to from our trust or our fix and flip business.

And what we're doing is for all those investors, we're offering them a 10% return on their money and that's 10% absolute. So, what that means is, you know, this is about an eight week rehab project. I'm assuming that we'll be able to get it on the market within three months. So, about 12 months in that it'll sell within a month after that. So, we're looking at about a four month project from check to check if you will, from closing table to closing table, but just to be safe, I decided to take out a fix and flip loan that will actually give me an entire year of leeway, it's interest only. And the nice thing is with that 10% absolute interest rate. If, we finish in 12 months, you get 10% on your money. If we finish in six months, you get 10% on your money, but once you apply that to an annual percentage rate, you're actually making 20% APR because we finish it so quickly.

And then same thing with, if we finish it in four months, now that number goes up again, and now you're going to be making anywhere between 25 and 30% return on your money from an APR standpoint. But again, it's just a 10% absolute. And the way we structured this with our investors is, you know, no payments, no debt payments until the property sold. And once the property sold, the investors get paid out first, after the investors get paid out first, then we go ahead and take the rest of the profits, into the fix and flip company. So super cool deal, really excited about it. Like I said, it's on, in the middle of the forest preserve it's 1.2 acres, five beds, two and a half bath, 3000 square feet in an area where properties basically never come up for sale.

It's a property in this little area, comes up for sale, once every 10 years. So super, super excited about that. So that's the first deal that I wanted to talk about in Schomburg. Now, let's switch gears and talk about some of our wholesale deals and how to work with a wholesaler to really get, you know, the fast lane, really to get the deals first. So the first one we're going to talk about was a property in South Holland. It was a small investment property. It worked both ways to either go as a buy and hold property, or as a, fix and flip. And let me go ahead and pull up those numbers so that we have them here in front of us.

#Real estate #Real Estate Investing #the storage stud #storage stud #Fernando Angelucci #self storage #alternative funds

13 notes · View notes

dcbbw · 4 years ago

Note

Hello, I have been going through a lot lately and would like to request OTP with SGL x Riley B where Liam takes it as a challenge to make her toes curl 😏 within a 24 hour period. How many times can he send her over the edge? Thank you for all you do to bring a smile to my face and smut to my tumblr 😂😂😂

Thank you for the ask, @umccall71! Firstly, prayers and positive vibes your way that you make through your storm unscathed and much better for it. Secondly, I cannot give you full on SGL x Riley B smut because that is coming in the DC AU series. I promise!!!

I know we discussed Liv x Max replacing your original pairing, but I think I have come up with a compromise to make us both happy.

This takes place within DC AU’s COVID Universe.

HUGE thank yous to @burnsoslow, @bbrandy2002, and @ao719 for pre-reading and helping me with the sticky part! (pun not intended)

THIS ASK IS NSFW!!

It was 6:42am, but Riley’s apartment was still dark despite it being daylight savings time. It was due to a combination of no lights being cut on and the dark clouds and heavy curtain of rain pouring from the sky. DC was experiencing an early morning thunderstorm, a common occurrence during the summer when the same weather forecast was issued day after day: hazy, hot, humid with a chance for strong storms.

But it wasn’t the rain that woke Riley up; it was Liam’s hand cupping the side of her breast. She kept her eyes closed, squeezing them even more tightly shut. She had no idea what to do, even though she had been expecting this. It was a natural next step.

The pandemic shutdown had accelerated the trajectory of what Riley had planned to be a slow-going process. What was supposed to be a 2-week shutdown was now entering month three. Three months of togetherness on a level Riley still wasn’t sure she was ready for, but it was … nice.

There were kisses: light and playful, deep and sensuous.

They had established a domestic routine that included cooking, cleaning, and laundry.

Once a week, Liam and Riley went to his apartment to empty his mailbox, check the food in the fridge, and visit with Urthula. They then went to Riley’s office so she could check the mail, upload documents for telework, and make a check deposit. From there, they went to Liam’s office so he could scan documents to clients and supervisors and check his mail. Their last stop was at the grocery store, where Liam would look up recipes and videos for ingredients needed for his daily meal planning. Riley stocked up on liquor and junk food.

At some point, Liam stopped sleeping on the sofa and began sharing the bed with Riley. They were both nervous: Riley was still skittish and didn’t want to rush into anything; her nervousness no longer stemmed from Drake; it was Liam. If Liam hurt her, she wasn’t sure what she would do.

There wasn’t enough ice cream in the world to heal the hurt that would cause.

Liam’s nervousness came from a fear of giving Riley B. the wrong impression of him and of pushing her outside her comfort zone too soon. How to let her know they could be best friends and lovers? He was willing to sit back and let her lead the show.

And now, here it was. Would she continue to deny them what was natural? Or would she let go, even if just a little bit?

She recalled the night before: They had fallen asleep on their sides, Riley the little spoon to Liam’s big one. His arms were wrapped around her waist, her hands laying on top of his. Then she had to use the bathroom; then he did. She woke up to take her thyroid medication; he woke up to make sure she did. They talked a little, Liam commenting on the strong wind that had picked up. They finally fell back asleep, and now … this.

She exhaled a deep, silent breath at the feel of his hand against her there.

She wanted more.

Behind her, Liam’s eyes were closed as he held Riley B.’s breast in his palm. It felt heavy yet soft; it was driving him mad.

He wanted to see it. See her.

He hadn’t planned on feeling up his best friend at the crack of dawn; hell, he hadn’t planned on touching her in any way she was uncomfortable with, but at some point when they had fallen back asleep before the storm came in, Riley’s tank top had ridden up. Liam’s hands had gotten tangled in soft cotton; in extracting himself, he found himself cupping the side of her breast.

And now he wanted more.

But he needed to know she wanted it also.

“Riley B.?” his voice rumbled in her ear.

She moaned softly as she arched her back into his chest. “More,” she pleaded.

Liam’s eyes flew open. “Are … are you sure?” he asked cautiously.

“Yes. But no sex, Liam!”

“Whatever you want, Riley B. I just want to make you happy.”

Liam kissed her shoulder before rolling her onto her back. He angled his body over hers as he searched her eyes before his lips tentatively brushed against hers. Her tongue swiped his lower lip before he pulled it into his mouth. Their tongues tangled slowly at first; this was no ordinary kiss. The promise of more that accompanied their usual kisses was being replaced with the certainty of more. Liam’s hands impatiently pulled at the sides and hem of Riley’s sleep shirt.

A brilliant flash of lightning lit up the room as they separated so the shirt could be lifted away from her body. Her breasts lay bare before him, the heavy globes of flesh flashing golden in the brief illumination. Her nipples were a dark chocolate brown, erect and begging to be suckled.

He shimmied out of his pajama pants; his erect manhood sprang forth. Riley’s eyes grew wide; her center pooled.

She gripped Liam’s shoulders as she pulled him back down to continue the kiss.

Their first morning breath kiss. It was delicious.

Thunder rumbled in the sky as Liam’s mouth moved down Riley’s body. He kissed her jawline, her nearly invisible surgical scar. He reached her breasts. He gazed at them in awe, memorizing their details: Each breast had a prominent vein running through it. Her areolas were dotted with moles. He hefted them in his hands; one had a chicken pox scar on its underside.

His thumbs flicked across her nipples; the brush of his skin against hers elicited a low moan from Riley.

Riley watched him as the fingers of one hand fisted in Liam’s dark hair; the other slowly stroked along his very erect, very impressive length. Her hips rolled against his hand as she softly moaned between heavy breaths.

Liam’s lips were firmly attached to Riley B.’s nipple, his tongue circling, licking, and flickering across her puckered flesh. He let out a shaky breath when he released her, only to have the length of his tongue lick her breast from underside to nipple.

The wetness of his tongue against the warmth of Riley’s skin caused an eruption of goosebumps to break out across her creamy skin.

“Oh, God … Liam!” Riley moaned as her hands tugged at his locks.

His eyes lifted to take in her lust-infused features as he resumed his suckling. “Hmmm?”

One hand held her breast as the other began drifting down her curves; he reached her center. His cock throbbed as it leaked pre-cum onto vanilla scented sheets. He placed his hand between her thighs to push them apart, but she spread them for him.

Offering herself.

Liam reluctantly released her nipple; the cool of the air on the wet skin made it stiffen even more. He slid down the bed so he could see Riley B.’s most secret place. The smell of her arousal greeted him first; faint, sweet, enticing.

Once again, lightning lit the room to allow him to see her essence-dampened skin.

She shaved down there.

He spread cocoa-colored lips to reveal her pink. He bit his lip to hold back a groan as he slowly pumped two fingers in and out of her slippery entrance. His slightly opened mouth hovered over her clit, willing himself to not taste her.

His tongue swiped her from clit to entry.

“No sex! You promised no sex until we dated.” Riley’s protests were uttered in a desire-filled voice.

God, she wanted this, but she had to stick to her own boundaries, her own standards. She wanted him. He wanted her. For so long. But Riley wanted what this could be to be different; she wanted Liam to want more. More than this.

Liam’s lips released her bud and began traveling up her body. His lips pulled at the side of her neck; she smelled of sleep and yesterday’s perfume. He captured her lips, his tongue slowly rolling with hers.

His fingers still pumped within her.

“We’re not having sex; it’s a makeout session!” he corrected her.

Riley’s hand gripped Liam’s cock more firmly in her hand; her strokes sped up.

“You know exactly what you’re doing, Liam Daniel!”

Liam’s hips rocked rhythmically in Riley’s hand. “Don’t be middle-naming me, woman!”

Silence as they continued to jack and jill each other. Liam let out a moan. “Yes! Yes, Riley B. … just.like.that!”

Riley’s eyes were closed as she felt the thick meat wrapped in her fist; they opened when she felt Liam’s body pressed atop hers. “What are you doing?”

“No sex,” Liam promised. “I just want to grind against your body. Can I do that, Riley B.?” His eyes were wide with hope, dark with lust.

I want to put the tip in.

“God, yes,” Riley moaned as their hips humped and ground against each other. The bulbous head of his cock pressed against her clit; Riley’s neck arched as her head pressed deeper into her pillow. Liam pulled back to stroke himself against her length. It was wet, slippery.

She was so beautiful. He loved her so much.

A clap of thunder so loud it shook the bedroom walls exploded in the sky as Riley’s body quaked with orgasm; Liam’s body shuddered and jerked with his release.

The cries from their shared crescendo echoed throughout her apartment.

Afterwards, they lay on their backs, catching their breaths as rain continued to pound the earth. Liam washed them up, smiling at Riley B. the entire time. When he climbed back in the bed, he grabbed his phone and began tapping keys.

Riley hid her disappointment; she wasn’t sure what she was expecting. Cuddles, conversation, falling back asleep? Whatever it was, Liam getting on his phone after such an intimate experience and ignoring her wasn’t it.

Maybe if there weren’t so many layers being added to a decade-long friendship; maybe if she could just let go and trust; maybe if she just lowered her fucking expectations.

Maybe if she just stopped overthinking everything.

Riley let out a sigh as her hand fumbled over her bedside table, searching for the remote. Liam heard the clatter and looked up from his phone.

“What are you doing, Riley B.?”

“About to cut on the television,” she replied tersely.

Liam smirked, but inwardly, insecurity was running rampant.

Did I move too fast? Maybe I didn’t please her?

“I need to step my game up if all you want is television after our wake-up.”

“You wanted your phone, I want television,” Riley replied as her hands curled around the remote.

“For breakfast ideas!” Liam said, holding out his phone.

Riley reluctantly glanced at the phone screen: pictures of something called baked Sicilian eggs. Her eyes widened slightly.

“We have a routine: I do breakfast, you do dinner. I wanted to make you a special breakfast because you know … thank you,” he explained in a rushed voice.

“You were looking for … breakfast?” Riley asked in an embarrassed tone. She hung her head to hide both her embarrassment and relief.

Liam nodded. “What else? You wanna help me look?”

Riley released her hold on the remote and scooted across the bed to lay her head in the crook of Liam’s shoulder. His free arm wrapped around her as he positioned the phone between them.

“Yes, please,” she replied eagerly as Liam’s fingers stroked her hair.

Tagging: @sirbeepsalot @wannabemc2 @jared2612 @katedrakeohd @hopefulmoonobject @custaroonie @jovialyouthmusic @thequeenofcronuts @amomentofsinclairity @bobasheebaby @ao719 @sashatrr @marietrinmimi @ladyangel70 @gardeningourmet @umccall71 @angi15h @romanticatheart-posts @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @blznbaby @tabithacarlisle @bbrandy2002 @ab1901 @janezillow @debramcg1106 @radlovedreamer @lodberg @thecordoniandiaries @ramseyandrys @caroldxnvxrs @princess-geek @burnsoslow @annekebbphotography @merridithsmiscellany-blog @queenjilian @emichelle @indiacater @loveellamae @forthebrokenheartedthings @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @glaimtruelovealways @zaffrenotes @bebepac @liyanin @dibberdipper @choiceslife @ac27dj @the-soot-sprite @gnatbrain @seriouslybadchoices @sanchita012 @anotherbeingsworld @atha68 @aworldoffandoms @hopelessromanticmonie @princessleac1 @amandablink @yungnayque

#ns*w #lemons #sgl #riley b #dcbbw writes

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bbrandy2002 · 5 years ago

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The Devil Wears Denim

Part of @emceesynonymroll ‘s Wacky Drabble’s #35/36???

Part 2 of 3 from the Little Sh!t series

Summary: Drake and Alyssa are stuck with Nikolas for the night.

Wacky Drabble Prompt: Aren’t you going to read the instructions

Using Friends Prompts from @loveellamae In fact, I’m undercover right now. I’m a whore and What’s the worst that could happen? I could die.

A/N: Thanks @burnsoslow for letting my little menace torture your couple and pre-reading. I’m fairly certain that one part was written more for your enjoyment (it wasn’t supposed to be that long Burns... lol).

Look Enna! I wrote two drabbles in less than a month :) And we have a worldwide pandemic to thank for that.

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“Hell no! That little shit is not staying in our house.” Drake spat at the small boy who had his father’s boyish looks and his mother’s witty charm.

“Drake. He’s just a little boy,” Alyssa defended. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could die.”

Alyssa chuckled and wrapped her thin arms around Drake’s waist. She was somewhat amused by what was perceived to be her boyfriend being overly dramatic. “You are not going to die. I’ve been with him most of the afternoon and he’s been a perfect, well-behaved child. And besides, it’s already getting late and Riley could really use a break to deal with her … post-mortem detention.”

“Baby, I love your kind heart. I really do,” he said while tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “But, Liam and Riley have a nanny who can help out with the kids. He doesn’t need to stay here.”

Alyssa shook her head. “No. Nik said she got fired.”

Drake furrowed his brows at his young god-son. “Your parent’s fired, Hilda?” he interrogated.

“Nope. I had to let her go, Uncle Drake.” Nik replied while opening a can of soda he helped himself to from the Walker fridge. “She wasn’t following my rules.”

“What damn rules?” Drake scowled.

Nik took a sip of his soda and made a sour face before he dumped it whole into the trash can. “You know … don’t be a snitch. She ratted me out to my dad about running over the Countess of Genitalia. And you know what they say about snitches, Uncle Drake … they get stitches.”

Drake gave Alyssa a knowing look who doesn’t even seem to notice due to her own shock.

“Oh my god, Nikolas! What’d you do to her?”

The young boy flashed her a cocky wink and a smirk. “Nothing a long wig and pair of sunglasses can’t cover-up, my love.”

Alyssa snapped an astonished glance at her boyfriend who simply shrugged. “Told ya.”

She followed behind Nikolas who pulled out a chair at the table and started coloring.

She crouched down next to him and took a deep breath. “Okaaay. Look, Nik. I had a lotta fun hanging out with you today, I really did, but it’s probably best if you go back to your home for the night.”

Nikolas stopped coloring to look at her; his face crestfallen, and sighed. “I understand, Miss Alyssa. Just know that I will never forget you. Your smile … your laugh … your lovely lady lumps. That kick-ass grilled cheese you made me. And how you taught me to make useless shit with yarn and pipe cweaners … you make me want to be a better boy … a better prince for Condomonia.

Drake rolled his eyes and pulled his cell phone from his back pocket. “Give me a fucking break. I’m calling Liam right now and having him send someone to pick up your ass.”

Alyssa stood and leaned into Drake. “You probably should watch your language around him.”

“Seriously, Alyssa? The boy just said shit and that’s one of his milder ones,” he scoffed while placing the phone to his ear. “He once made the entire Royal Guard cry after bitching them out.”

Alyssa winced and scratched her head as Drake walked away to make his call. She was somewhat confused, having met Nikolas’ parents during a few social gatherings. Liam was always very courteous and respectful; every bit the compassionate leader she had heard of him. Riley appeared to be a loving mother who doted on her children and husband.

As she watched this child, with his little tongue sticking out while he worked studiously on a drawing of an anaconda that appeared to be squeezing the life out of the man she loved, Alyssa pondered whether he was just misunderstood. She was pulled from her thoughts when Drake moved up beside her with a fake laugh.

“Well...Apparently the entire palace is on a damn lock-down after they found the German Prime Minister hogtied in a linen closet. The German security forces won’t allow anyone in, or out until they catch the supposed midget in tactical gear that apparently waterboarded her. So, of course, Liam is busy dealing with that shit and Riley’s phone went straight to voicemail. Got anything you wanna confess kid”

Nikolas continued to color, completely unfazed. “I told her she could come out when she agreed to my dad’s trade steal. She smelled like an old lady anyway .. she wouldn’t have been missed.”

Drake ran a hand down his face, trying to keep his cool.

Alyssa pulled him to the opposite end of the kitchen and lowered her voice.

“Look, baby. Listen .... we’re not going to panic, okay? I will keep him busy and out of your hair. He seems to respond well to me and we’ll just make the best of it, alright?

“Lyssa … we had plans for tonight, remember? I really wanted to spank that sexy ass in those new restraints.” He flashed a devilish grin with a pinch to her backside

She bit her lip, returning a sultry gaze. “Oh that shit’s still happening, Drake Walker.”

“Promise?”

She stood on her tiptoes to place a peck on his lips. “Promise. As soon as he falls asleep.”

Feeling a gnawing burn in the pit of his stomach, Drake ran his fingers through his hair and glanced at the little prince. “You really think you can handle him where we both don’t wind up in a shallow grave in the backyard?”

Alyssa stood up straighter with a confident smile. “I believe so, yes.”

Drake sulked as he sauntered back across the kitchen and Alyssa began pulling pots from the cabinet.

He towered over the boy. “Okay, kid. You can stay.”

“Really?” Nikolas beamed.

Drake gave him a stern look while he lightly gripped the back of Nik’s neck. “Yeah. But, you try any funny shit, Nikolas and I swear to god I’ll bust your ass.”

Nikolas tried to stifle a laugh that he hoped his uncle noticed … and Drake did. “God, you’re such a little asshole. I’m gonna go feed the horses,” he dismissed.

“Alright Nik, how about you help me with dinner … spaghetti and meatballs!” Alyssa called cheerfully for him as she filled a pot with water.

“Anything for you, my queen!”

Alyssa was right in her assumption that Nik would not cause any problems for her. She didn’t say anything to him as the meatballs he formed were in the shape of penises; it was obvious he was fishing for attention. Drake, on the other hand, was quick to refuse to eat the “little dicks staring at him” for dinner, especially ones that had Nikolas grubby paws on them.

And after playing an hour of Grand Theft Auto, in which he tried to teach her how to get the hooker to slash the throat of a pimp, he took a bath, brushed his teeth, and settled into the guest room.

“Good night, Miss Alyssa,” he croaked in his sleepy voice. He tucked the stuffed dragon his father gave him into his chest and closed his eyes.

She smiled as she flipped the light switch by the door. “Good night, Nikolas.”

Drake was still alive and in one piece, and Nikolas, surprisingly, hadn’t disturbed him the entire evening. Now it was time to retire the babysitter cap for the night and try out the new toy that she and Drake had been waiting for hours to use.

“He.Is.Out.” Alyssa proclaimed as she entered the master bedroom; her arms animating each word she spoke.

Drake, who was standing on the top rung of a ladder wearing nothing but denim boxershorts, clipped a chain through a metal hook in the ceiling. “It’s about damn time!”

Alyssa gawked curiously at the contraption as the rest of the chain fell. She tugged on the bottom where two leather wrist cuffs were attached an arm’s length above her short frame. The last thing she wanted was a heavy strand of steel crashing down while Drake made a bad girl out of her.

When she felt confident the chain was secure, she performed a sexy striptease while her lover’s hands roamed over each newly exposed section of skin. Drake unsnapped the metal buckles on the leather cuffs and fastened her wrist into each one.

“Wait! Aren’t you going to read the instructions?” Alyssa’s eyes flashed to Drake as if the idea suddenly popped into her head.

“Baby, I think I know what to do with these. Your hands go in here … and my hands …” He slid his fingers between her moistened folds. “go down there.” Alyssa shuddered at his husky voice and the feeling of anticipation that pooled inside of her.

Drake raised his brows. “You remember the safe word?”

“Hmm-mm. Bertrand,” she replied with a quick nod.

A smile dangled on the corner of his lips. “Very good.”

Drake slapped the leather flog across his hand and prowled like a wolf, ready to pounce its prey, around his girlfriend. Her arms outstretched tightly above her head.

“Somebody’s been a verrry bad, girl.” Alyssa teased. Her blue eyes shifting between the leather and his denim bulge.

“Oh yeah?” He licked his lips while continuing his sensual stroll.

“Yeah. In fact, I’m undercover right now. I’m a whore … a very naughty whore.”

Drake halted his movements and raised the flog. “I suppose I’ll have to punish you then … my very naughty undercover whore.”

“Ohh no, Officer Walker! Please don’t hurt me! Me so horny, me love you long time!”

Meanwhile…

One, beady blue eye popped open from a disturbance occurring on the floor directly above him. It was a sound he wasn’t that familiar with. For the last year, he had memorized the sound of pain, yet this particular scream was unlike anything he had heard before from any of his usual victims.

“Drake! Fuck that hurts!”

The second eye popped open. He heard her yell out again and again. The sound of torture and agony reverberated through the ceiling and fell upon his perked up ears.

Was his Uncle Drake murdering Alyssa?

“Oh my god, Drake! You’re killing me!”

It seemed so.

But, would he actually murder his own girlfriend?

“Devereaux, I’m gonna shove this thing in you so hard.”

Likely.

Nikolas tossed off the covers and crept out of his bed. He slithered across the room, flipped on the lights, and retrieved his backpack that lay on top an old dresser.

It was time to put a plan into action, save his woman and make sure Drake Walker regretted the day he’d ever been born.

#wacky drabbles

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revol-lover · 4 years ago

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i hope today was a good easter for julia. she loves holidays and we always made the biggest deal out of everything pre-covid and always had family over etc and she’s felt it over the last year, as in, felt the lack since we can’t do things like we used to. it sucks. we try our best but i feel like she always seems a little disappointed. but we’re trying. we did an easter egg hunt in the backyard. one half of our family decided to pretend the pandemic is over and have a food gathering anyway and acted salty about us not going (as if we’re in the wrong..) and the other half, we learned, does not plan on getting vaccinated even though they’re now eligible because they don’t trust the vaccine “yet”. sigh. it fucking sucks. the side of our family that had the gathering was great until one of them got vaccinated and then they just stopped caring about wearing masks for the rest of us and it makes me extremely angry because well ok i’m trying to be vague here, for no necessary reason, but its my husbands family. and i’m not close to my family. but his family has never disappointed me on such a grand scale (tried to do a social distanced visit for his mom yesterday for her birthday and she refused to wear a mask even though she works with the public every day)... and its like... her husband is vaccinated. kevin is. but julia and i are not. and neither is she. so it feels a lot like she doesn’t give a shit if we get sick and that obviously rubs me the wrong way x10000. i’m fucking over people’s irresponsibility. then my parents did a socially distanced visit to give julia an easter gift and it’s fine. they at least always wear their masks. but they’re not planning to get vaccinated any time soon. and my mom just blurts out things that just.. ok. i had a miscarriage in november. and i’m not expecting other people to know how i feel, alright, but, i have been having a really hard time lately with it. its getting closer to what would’ve been my due date and i’m sad, ok? like its fucking hard. and i’m not pregnant again yet. and i gained a few lbs. and i’m not feeling great about anything and i just wish i hadn’t lost my baby. i think about it all the time, how they stopped growing the week we moved into this house and all i can think is, what if it was because of the move and all of it was my fault? because there were no abnormalities according to tests, so what was it? and it just sucks. but my mom was like “oh your cousin is pregnant. shes due in september. and did you hear about “_____”’’s daughter? her baby was born dead” .. and it’s like... can you fucking not. and right before she came over i saw a pregnancy announcement on instagram. and its just too much. and too many feelings today. between feeling inadequate on the holidays for my daughter, who also told me i’m boring today and dad is fun (a long story and she’s 3.5 i know kids say stupid shit but, i’m a sensitive asshole and it hurts ok. because i try so hard and i feel like my efforts are invisible. to everyone and everything.) and just feeling plain sad today because not only can i not spend the holidays with any extended family i almost feel like i dont know who they are anymore, with how they’ve been acting in regards to covid and all that. and holidays are just hard for me in general, i’ve noticed since covid. like i used to feel sad around the holidays because it always meant seeing my mom and now that i’ve had a full year of holidays where i dont have to interact with her all day long, i’m still fighting this overwhelming sadness that i don’t fully understand.

i’m just so tired. and now it also feels like there was no weekend because the last two days were so hectic and overwhelming. and i’m thrown back into another long and probably boring (she’s right) week and grasping at strings of things to do to keep julia happy and entertained when all she *really* wants is to socialize with people other than me and her dad ( which i understand ). and tuesday i get my vaccine (and i’m incredibly thankful for this) so i know i can count on potentially having at least two fatigues days this week on top of the norm. i just need a break.

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