#but the kids wanted to see Danny beat up a big bad demon

[flamingpudding]

I'm so sorry I didn't get to finish but as Dan's Teekl is a Phoenix snake and he takes after Vlad since of dressing

When something big is going on the magical world and they need King Phantom's help he decides to bring along his children this is how the Justice League finds out just like Robin is a past dumb title so is Klarion all the Justice League deal with a bunch of hyper up chaotic children who have been antiheroes let's find out

I wanted this to be just like a we are robbing thing except with Clarion all of them showing off the fact that Teekl have never been a cat would be so funny to me

Anywho I haven't been able to come up with anymore ideas for Dan is Klarion but I did come out with this one hope you find it funny sorry that I messed up on the first part of the writing

Okay... so version one got deleted, per my rant post notices... so here is version two hopes to that it will still be as good... also... i didn't remember how I ended this the first time soooooo yea... sorry again for having messed up in between...

[Link to the first part of the Ask here!]

I hope this will still be as enjoyable....

------------------

Vlad didn't regret a lot of things but he regretted having told Bruce Wayne that he had a way of summoning the Ghost King. Why you ask? Because Bruce Wayne apparently leaked that information to the Justice League.

Well originally Vlad had told Bruce only about this because he was after the deal he had wanted for years with Wayne Enterprise. That man had been able to avoid Vlad for years now, and during his years when he hadn't been a redeemed man it had infuriated him.

But he was a redeemed man now. He had reformed his entire Company and since Wayne Enterprise was contracted with the Justice League, he had felt it was appropriate to boost that his Company had valuable connections too.

He also just wanted to rub it into Brucie Waynes face that he wasn't the only one with big name Hero / other worldly connections department. Okay it might have been a bit of an ego thing left. But he was a redeemed man.

And because he was a redeemed man he had not used his ghost powers to throw Batman out of the window the hero had used to barge into his hotel room at 3 -goddamn- AM only to demand the method on how to summon the ghost king.

No sir, Vlad was a redeemed man, he was nice now, a good guy.

He only grumbled and demanded the reason, which apparently was a demonic thread to the magical world that indirectly could wipe out the entire world itself. Great, little badger will not be amused hearing about that.

Daniel would be cross with him for using the summoning stone in the middle of the night but Batman was giving him a valid reason to use it. Surely Daniel would understand right? Plus Vlad could use that as change to see the little badger again. It had been a while since he last saw him.

Well Vlad regretted agreeing with Batman with the condition that he would be the one to do the summoning. That man in a bat suit did not hesitate to drag Vlad with him then bringing him, blindfolded mind you, to a place where he then was faced with several heroes, including but not limited to the Justice league.

Just great.

At least Vlad got to inform Danial about the situation and the reason for his summon as Ghost King via summoning stone, even if that blond British man had scoffed when he saw Vlad pulling it out, about the situation and what the little badger could expect the moment he stepped out of a portal.

What Vlad did not expect were several RED portals opening and similarly dressed young adults as well as one teen stepping out of them.

"Sup old man! Mom told us you called him about some world ending problem!" Dan greeted him in his Klarion get up, perfectly styled hair and his ghost pet, a phoenix snake, Snape (yes Dan named his pet after a mage from a wizard movie series) on his shoulders. Vlad could feel the distinctive illusion magic around the pet and he was pretty sure everyone without ghost powers were not able to see through it.

"KLARION?!" One of the present heroes yelled.

And of course all of the kids had to answer in reflect turning to where the voice came from at the same time.

"Yea"

There was a brief moment of silence in which Vlad face palmed.

"Ah sorry, that was on reflex. Old habits die hard!" Ellie laughed, she had grown into a young woman and was currently wearing what looked like a black suit crossed with a 90s style witch dress.

"I am the current Klarion, lose that fucking habit already." Dan grumbled annoyed as he crossed his arms glaring at every sibling that had answered to his alias.

"I am telling mom you cussed." Ellie instead grinned instead, before she looked around for a moment before her eyes landed on Nightwing, her face instantly lighting up. "ROBIN! I mean Nightwing! I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Do I know you?" Vlad could feel sorry for the hero, but these where the phantom kids, so he wasn't in the slightest and he was still cross with he heroes for waking him up at 3AM!

"I am hurt! Don't you recognise me!" Ellie gasped and Dan unashamedly elbowed her for acting so familiar.

"Misrule." He warned her. Ellies current Anti-Hero -Chaos Agent- Alias Vlad remembered. A name she specifically chose because it sounded like Miss Rule and she knew that the word play would annoy Nabu. That girl had some serious beef with the Ancient of Order.

"Oh shush little brother! Let me reconnect with the kids I used to mess with!" She shushed Dan ruffling his hair and nearly messing up his horned hairstyle, before turning back to Nightwing. "Don't you remember my lovely Armadillos? Though I only know you were the Robin I first meet because I looked into Grandpa Clock's time mirrors..."

There was a brief moment of silence on the other side where the heroes stood and Vlad swore he could have heard a pin needle drop.

"Oh god..." One of them finally spoke up as apparently some kind of realisation sunk into the heroes. But before Ellie could add anything more the one Vlad recognised as Red Robin cut in.

"Klarion is like Robin!"

"RR what are you...?"

"The title of Klarion got passed down like Robin!"

There was another brief moment of silence before Dan, Ellie and the rest of their siblings burst out laughing.

"It took you idiots this long to see that?!" Dan called them out, laughing as he hugged Snape.

Vlad would probably feel sorry for the entirety of the heroes before him if he wasn't amused by this himself, even he had seen the differences whenever 'Klarion' got passed on.

"For your information, I was the first Klarion, so i could mess with Nabu." Ellie grinned. "I was also the one that used a bit to much eyeliner."

"I never got the the horned hairstyle right."

"I was the one with a fancy black suit."

One by one the phantom kids listed of all the differences in their versions of Klarion until they all looked towards the youngest Dan, the current Klarion.

"What?" He grumbled as his elder siblings grinned at him.

"Fucking fine. I use a suit similar to the old man's style and I like to do more than just mess with Nabitch." He muttered after enduring his siblings stares for.

"And you cuss." Ellie grinned brightly causing the rest of the siblings to to chuckle.

Vlad recognised the look in Dan's eyes and before the kids could break out into an argument or a brawl, depending how violent Dan was feeling, he coughed loudly to get noticed by everyone.

"World threatening situation." He reminded everyone. "Where is your mother? The Ghost King?"

"Oh Mom is already dealing with the situation." Dan shrugged. "We more or less came to watch and see the heroes suck and fail at 'Order' to rub it into Nabitch's face."

Vlad really wanted to scowl the kids and he was going to but then the heroes cut in again.

"Can we get back to the thing about Klarion being a title passed down like Robin? With how many different Klarions did we have to deal with over the years!?"

"Red Robin not the right time..."

"Yes the right time! So many comments from Klarion make sense now! Like the first time he went right up into my face!"

"Red Robin!"

"Oh that was still me! The first Klarion!"

[chenanigans]

I love how none of my dnd characters are consistent. We got:

Rawhide Kobayashi

Albino Red Grung

Gloomstalker Ranger

A himbit (himbo and Timbit)

He raises cattle that are giant woolly aphids and beetles

He’s a little frog cowboy who went to the tundra to save his papa

An absolute cinnamon roll, but could actually kill you

Maridia Fusilli

Rosy Maple Mothfolk

Aberrant Mind Sorcerer

Feral teen who loves maple syrup

She’s a moth sorcerer who’s hellbent on getting revenge on the demons who burnt down her tree, disabling various members of her family

She’s going to magical girl school

Looks like a cinnamon roll, wishes to bathe in the blood of her enemies

Dalrymple “Dal” Iniqine Cyr

Tiefling Werewolf (aka Shifter)

Samurai Fighter

Himbo energy but a lesbian

Loves women and is very lonely

Bffs with Rawhide

Looks like she can kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll

Dr. Maiken Cyraeni Grebella

Blue-Ringed Octopus Simic Hybrid

<Armorer> Artificer

Grumpy scientist who’s good at biology and technology

She cares more about inventing than adventuring

Looks like she can kill you, will definitely try to but probably can’t

Mercy Mousse

Myconid

Spores Druid, <Glamour Bard>

Left her home to become a pop star

Is always cheerfully singing and dancing

Her music and back-up dancers are a bit macabre

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll

Razmi McDazzl

Changeling

Eloquence Bard

Is apparently a good accountant

She loves money and will do anything for it

She is very charming so it’s hard to see through her lies

Looks like she can kill you, probably won’t but will trick ya

Delphinium “Delphi” Speedwell

Blue-Green Grung

Chronurgy Wizard

Biggest and fattest grung from her town

She’s a gentle “giant“ among her fellow grungs, but won’t hesitate to beat your ass if you threaten her tribe

She went from student to headmaster of her school very quickly and she’s very sad about it

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but also can kill you

Sorro Levki

Black Tabaxi

Fathomless Warlock

Drowned and came back because of his new patron

Doesn't like to fight but has to fight and make offerings to his patron

Misses going to sea, but is thought to be bad luck/a bad omen due to being the sole survivor of his shipwreck

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll

Nithi Blightkiller Kalukukané

Orange Grung

Gloomstalker Ranger, Scout Rogue

Absolute grouch

Doesn’t want to be bothered and just wants to steal and murder in peace

She only targets shitty folk

Looks like she can kill you, can kill you

Cherome “Cherry” Sedum

Cape Rain Frog Aasimar

Wild Magic Sorcerer

A very small and sad girl

She grew up in an abusive cult, but now is with a loving party she considers her family as well as her frog family too now

She’s getting stronger and radicalized to destroy parliament

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Celesse Moonstone

Star (aka Fire Genasi)

<Stars> Druid

Came to [insert planet here] because she loved humanity, especially their art

Is a literal ray of sunshine

Looks like a cinnamon roll and is a cinnamon roll

Cheer Sympathy Gritish

Tiefling

Order Cleric, Champion Fighter

Harmacist

She works at Delphi’s school as a guidance counselor and a combat healing teacher

Extremely loud

Looks like she can kill you and can kill you

Dangeline “Danny/Dan“ Wolfsbane

Horned Toad (Zariel Tiefling)

Wild Magic Barbarian

She looks scary and intimidating but she has a big weakness for smaller frogfolk and kids

She cares a lot about getting people out of bad situations

Looks like she can kill you, can kill you, but is also a bit of a cinnamon roll

Lulamin Helianthus

Honeybee Fairy (aka Fairy)

Crown Paladin

Bee who always ends up in a situation

Rode a train and had an awful time, performed in a play and had an OK time, literally trying to get home

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Rulaberri Humwallon Dianthus

Carpenter Bee Fairy (aka Fairy)

Devotion Paladin/Wild Paladin (Homebrew)

Sweetie bee who is 99% of the time unaware of who gods are

Got a cushy seat in Oberon’s court as the God of Flowers

Became queen bee under sad circumstances

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Mimi the Mimic

Mimic (aka Plasmoid)

Beast Barbarian

Will eat people and animals alike and sees no issue with that

No moral code, sadistic, no empathy

Can be swayed easily with food

Looks like she can kill you, will kill you and then eatcha

Wislande Ritha Fanfan

Entler (aka a homebrew race)

Eldritch Knight Fighter

Pure of heart, dumb of ass

She likes art

She’s from Canada, traveling the USA for art inspiration reasons

Absolutely does not know anything about America and how to traverse it

Looks like a she can kill you, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Bonnycastle Funfetti

Ex-wedding cake (aka Plasmoid)

Dreams Druid

A literal and figurative sweetie

Became a Dreams Druid to help other’s dreams come true

Looks like a cinnamon roll (cake), is a cinnamon roll (cake)

Wruth Carol Firhug-Hollyleaf

Christmas Elf (aka Rock Gnome)

Swarmkeeper Ranger

An elf who would rather disappear into the woods than work in a toyshop

Eventually became a forest ranger instead of a toymaker

They miss their birth parents dearly, but love their adoptive family a lot too

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Claudette “Claude“ Sanon

Ghost Ant (aka Thri-kreen)

Assassin Rogue

Likes sugary/fruity drinks, being a flapper, and being a very good assassin

She ditched her anthill for a more self-indulgent, less community-focused lifestyle

Looks like he can kill you, can kill you

Is the only character of mine to die and is now piloted by my DM as a totally normal not remade by a space lich guy

Merino Mittenmere

Tortoiseshell Tabaxi

Artillerist Artificer

She a granny and loves her kittens and grandkittens

Has committed war crimes

Looks like a cinnamon roll, can also kill you

Manon Pastelle

Fierna Tiefling

Life Cleric

She sounds and looks all doom and gloom but says the nicest, most positive shit

A pastel goth

She is a doctor who cares deeply for her patients

Looks like she can kill you, is a cinnamon roll

[robinasnyder]

The unfortunate bit for Danny is that while his prank was cathartic for him, it wasn't a big deal. You know who it was a big deal for? That family of obsessive detectives who can never let things go. Which means they will, in fact, eventually find their way to Danny.

I'm thinking they basically sneak into the Infinite Realms by breaking into Fenton Works and stealing the speeder and just going in. Damian thinks that Danyal has been captured by horrible spirits and won't stop until he can at least get him to a better after life.

(Cause I am a Constantine girlie, I like the idea of him going with them and just like standing in the back entirely unbotheted bc he knows Danny's a good kid and a dumbass, but also overpowered and wants to be there to snap the kid out of this if this goes to hell, as it probably will. The Bats weren't willing to listen to him about much on this anyway.)

So they pull up to the King's Palace, sneak in, and manage to get to the throne room. And there's a "fight" which is basically Danny panicking until he sees John smoking in the back and then Danny just grins and throws these randos around a bit until their eyes are swimming and he can get them calmed down enough to boot them out.

Except that doesn't happen. Damian just gets more and more frantic the nore he's beaten, until he's got ahold of Danny's foot and is literally begging and crying to just let Danyal's soul go. Damian will stay, he'll do whatever the king wants, just let his brother's soul have rest.

Meanwhile, John's in the back like "okay, Fenton, joke's over."

And Danny is like "they weren't supposed to follow me!?!"

And John's like "should have done your research dumbass!"

This convo is confusing but reassuring for everyone else.

Danny just phases through Damian's hold and turns back to looking human. "Hey, dumbass, there's no soul to save because your brother Danyal, who you tried to kill, is the ghost king. I'm also half alive and have a human family who's way worse at trying to kill me than you were, and you fucked that up big time. I was getting petty revenge. I even told you this before I booted you out."

Damian is staring uncomprehending.

John, after taking a drag of his cig, "was this before or after you scared him and made him think you were a devil wearing his brother's skin, to the point that he couldn't remember a single thing he signed or almost anything you said?"

Batman, finally getting together an inkling of what's happening. "Constantine, what the hell is going on?"

"Your ex had twins. Their shitty grandfather ordered Damian to kill Danyal and Damian almost managed if he hadn't fled the scene in grief and their mother got a chance to ship him off. That brat grew up, half died, became a small time superhero who beat back the god of the inbetween, took his throne and is right here. Also, Danny, you know how you have no idea who your biological father is? Well, your dad's Batman and your petty prank was done right in front of him, making him think the child he didn't know about was being tortured by demons." At this point he raises his voice in annoyance. "And no one would bloody listen to me when I told them it was fine!"

Danny sits in the air and hides his face in his hands, groaning and blushing.

"Maybe next time use your words before you scare the shit out of the Bats, kay?"

At which point, Tim can't hold in his questions anymore and is like "how do you know each other."

"I'm on the ghost king's callsheet," John says and doesn't elaborate at all.

Batman has finally gotten up. He pulled off his cowl and walks to Danny, who looks up and does a doubletake, because he's look at himself, himself as Dan (just not green) and he realizes he really takes after his dad.

"Always did wonder why my eyes were so blue." Uncomfortably rubs the back of his neck. "I'm sorry. I was just mad and wanted to get a little revenge. I didn't think it would upset you all that bad, or I wouldn't have done it."

"Maybe use your words next time," Bruce offers with a sad smile. "I'm sorry I didn't find you before. Are you safe? Are you happy?"

Danny makes and "eh" sound. "It's better. My family's crazy, but I like that. Wish they'd chill it with the ghost hate, but honestly, at the point I only haven't told them because I've put it off for so long it's just embarrassing."

"You're still alive?" Damian's finally stood up. He's pulled off his mask too.

"Half," Danny says. "Close enough. I'm still really, really mad at you."

"This is understandable and acceptable," Damian says and then starts to laugh, doubles over with it and then starts to cry. The relief is too much. Nightwing gathers him up and carries him off to the side to compose himself in peace.

Danny's still floating awkwardly, apologizing for getting everyone so hurt and upset. He's really sorry. He really means it. Bruce, managing to rub too emotional braincells together, hugs his kid, which makes Danny cry because he thought his birth family didn't want him at all.

G̴̩͍͆͆̈́e̵̹̣͆t̷̬̋ ̸̻̮̎̒ĭ̸̏̃n̵͙̋͐ ̸̛̳̃t̶̪̣̅ḣ̸̳̇͜è̵̠̲͖̔̑ ̶̢̹̖͗͐̀Wa̵̬̞͝ṫ̴̩̣̣e̶͉̲̯͂̏̎r̴̉

It was a simple mission. Damian was working with Father to confirm the existence of a Lazarus Pit below Gotham, as Ra's Al Ghul speculated. And they had found it, deep in the caves below Gotham. A Pit the size of an Olympic sized swimming pool, bubbling and steaming. He'd only looked away for a moment.

"Kin-slayer."

Standing waist deep in the water stood Damian's reflection. The hair might be white, and the eyes glowing with the waters, but it was his face. But not his face alone.

Danyal's ghost glared at him. "Get in the water."

Father threw a batarang at him, but the metal flew straight through his head like it was air. Danyal didn't even glance at him, his eyes fixed on Damian. "Get in the water," he ordered again. He stepped closer to the shore and the green water sloshed up the bank higher than it was before. "Or I'll raise the tide so high, all of Gotham will die. So get in the water."

Damian's heart jumped into throat. "Wait-"

"Get in the water."

Father shoved Damian behind him, as if it would protect him, as if he could stop Danyal. "Stop this, please-" If he could just explain-

Another step and the waters surged forward, nearly touching Father's boots. "I'll make whirlpools so profound, your entire family will drown," he promised.

"NO!" Not his brother, his kind brother-

"THEN GET IN THE WATER!" Danyal snarled, revealing monstrously sharp teeth and a black tongue from Damian's poison. "G̴̩͍͆͆̈́e̵̹̣͆t̷̬̋ ̸̻̮̎̒ĭ̸̏̃��̰͙n̵͙̝̟̋͐ ̸̛̳̃t̶̪̣̅ḣ̸̳̇͜è̵̠̲͖̔̑ ̶̢̹̖͗͐̀w̵̜͍̤̌a̵̬̞͝ṫ̴̩̣̣e̶͉̲̯͂̏̎r̴̉͜!̷̡͔́̀̽" He lunged and Father pushed them back down the passage they'd come. "Don't mistake this for a bluff, brother. You've lived more than enough. Just get in the water." Damian swallowed, throat dry. Was this Danyal's revenge? Did he finally have to face what he had done?

"Robin, who is this?" Father snapped, trying to keep retreating down the cave. But Damian wouldn't let him; the waters, and Danyal with them, would only follow.

Danyal looked between them, scowling. "G̴̩͍͆͆̈́e̵̹̣͆t̷̬̋ ̸̻̮̎̒ĭ̸̟̰͙̏̃n̵͙̝̟̋͐ ̸̛̳̃t̶̪̣̅ḣ̸̳̇͜è̵̠̲͖̔̑ ̶̢̹̖͗͐̀w̵̜͍̤̌a̵̬̞͝ṫ̴̩̣̣e̶͉̲̯͂̏̎r̴̉͜!̷̡͔́̀̽" he snapped again. "I'll take your father and gouge out his eyes, unless you want to stop being a coward and choose to die. Now... get in the water."

[moxfirefly]

So @teenage-mutant-ninja-freak wanted some Halloween headcanon’s for the lads, so let’s hop to it for one of my faves on here!

_________________

• our resident violent teddy bear is pretty neutral when it comes to old hallows eve, he does in fact enjoy the candy

• speaking of candy, will eat pretty much anything even try out that obscure shit nobody likes

• he does also LOVE when you feed him said candies

• will show up at your window and say “trick or treat” with the most cocky grin

• say Treat and he’s gonna give you the MOST SENSOUS SMOOCH

• say Trick, he’s gonna steal a kiss

• send him pics of you modeling potential costumes

• the skimpier the better

• will lowkey Windows Shutdown if you dress up as a boxer. The shorts, the sports bra, the gloves, the whole shebang. rapahael.exe has crashed.

• prefers cheesy horror movies think: Army of Darkness, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy’s Dead etc

• if he could give out candy he’d def be the guy who high fives the kids and gasses them up and addresses them by their characters

• “oh heck Batman! You better get back to Gotham!”

• oh he’s also the guy who would give out extra candy to the kids

• pumpkin carving king

• Mikey loves scaring the shit out of him

• he claims he was ‘merely startled’

• won’t dress up, will be moody while having a pair of cat ears on his head that you insist upon because Dammit Raph we are all taking this picture and you are participating somehow

• Halloween Lover™️

• honestly our resident nunchuck bean loves all things spooky

• loves watching the NYC Halloween parade

• loves watching shows, movies, videos anything regarding to it

• will dress up

• will eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE PLS HIDE IT FROM HIM

• has defenatly said that famous “they are coming to get you Barbara” line, it’s drives Raph up the wall

• decorates the lair starting September honestly

• resident scare champion, seriously he has snuck up on Leonardo

• Halloween baking goods, join him this boy will feed you well

• will o.d on sugar cookies

• dress up as his fave superhero or game character, expect heart eyes all day and lots of handsy caresses, this boy will gas you up so much (he already does on the regular)

• cheesy horror films but he’s surprisingly high key into the Based on True Events ones. Think: The Conjuring, Blair Witch Project, Exorcism of Emily Rose, etc

• boy gets extra frisky on Halloween night

• will want to try and get into a party with you

• but if case not be he will throw a rager in the lair with the bros, you and the close friends

• y’all banging while a horror movie plays in the background

• “man if we were in that lake, that pissed of goalie would so kill us”

• “Mikey focus”

• “shit my bad, babe”

• Our blue boy enjoys Halloween surprisingly enough

• has to be forced into the party tho

• will end up having fun

• but will micro manage because Virgo™️

• actually won’t complain if asked to dress up

• sour candy lover

• old school horror movie lover: White Zombie, House on Haunted Hill, Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, Creature of the black lagoon

• absolutely loves when you hide against his arm, he will purposefully find the goriest movies just so you could watch it basically buried on his chest

• humors Mikey because Big Brother Duties™️ so he helps decorate no matter how absurd it gets

• speaking of brotherly love 🥺 they love Hocus Pocus and watch it together every year cause Danny and Max reminds them of their relationship

• this precious brainiac loves Halloween perhaps rivaling Mikey

• he loves ghost stories, loves reading up on crimes and crazy events that happened around the time

• spooky podcast play all month long

• spooky playlist plays as well

• from old school Monster Mash style to more modern takes like Black No. 1

• will eat everything Mikey bakes, boys got a sweet tooth

• bring him seasonal coffee and he’s forever in your debt

• send him your Halloween costume idea, this lad will even help you MAKE it like legit even better than store bought

• Sci-Fi/Horror/Suspense/Psychological lover: It Follows, Predator, Alien Resurrection, Heredetary, Event Horizon, Splice, Martyrs, Suspiria, etc

• knows little know facts about certain scenes and effects

• “Did you know how many gallons of fake blood that took to make? Speaking off did you know you can make fake blood out of-“ Cue you screaming bloody murder at a graphic kill

• Resident DJ at the party (I have this headcanon that Donnie likes to make beats, remixes on his spare time when he needs to take a break from a project) Mikey says his transitions are so satisfyingly smooth

• Happily dresses up, begrudgingly helps his brothers with their costumes. They get so diva about it to a point where he’ll just mutter about not being on fucking Project Runway stop horsing around while wearing it of course it’ll tear!

• referees the games

• disqualifies Raphael almost every time

• once put on Halloween special effects noises

• splinter thought they were being attacked

• scared shitless of horror stuff? Let this adorable boyfriend of yours explain why “it’s illogical that a burned demon man in a striped sweater will invade your dreams and kill you my love....Now the monthman though-“

• “DONATELLO WE TALKED ABOUT THIS”

• “No conspiracy theories after midnight yes my apologies”

• once left a fake bug on Raph’s bed, spent the entire afternoon in a headlock

• Donnie and Raph actually spend time playing horror games though. Raph likes to play commentator. “Told ya that door was suspicious genius, but by all means get killed again�� Cue Donnie rolling his eyes for the tenth time

• Loves seeing you all dressed up, especially if you dress up as a character he loves like Ripley from Alien.

[ladylynse]

Chapter 6 [FF | AO3] of Down the Rabbit Hole: Wirt had heard a lot of stories about college, but somehow, he still wasn’t prepared for one of his roommate’s crazy friends to smuggle a hatchet into their dorm room.

beginning | previous

-|-

Toby had hung up without giving more of an explanation, but from the look in Wendy’s eyes, Wirt knew she didn’t need one.

“You grab the kit from the kitchen,” Jazz said. “I’ll get the one from under my bed. Danny, there’s one in the top drawer under the bathroom sink.”

“On it,” he said, not questioning why they would possibly think they’d need three first aid kits between the two of them.

When they were all back with the kits and Wendy was pulling on her shoes, Wirt saw Danny glance at Jazz and Jazz’s answering nod. “Wirt and I can catch up,” she said without even looking at him for confirmation even though they were all gathered near the doorway now. “Wendy?”

Wendy paused long enough to look at Danny. “If it’s safe for me, then yes.”

“You’ll be fine,” Danny said, handing Wendy the other two first aid kits when she finished getting her shoes on. She cradled them against her chest as he picked her up with ease—how the heck was he so strong when he looked so slight?—and then they vanished.

Just like Danny had back in the library.

“H…how—?” Wirt could see Danny being able to do that with himself. Lab accident. Okay. Fine. But with Wendy?

They hadn’t even opened a window, let alone a door, but Wirt knew they were already gone.

“Lab accident,” Jazz said, as if that explained everything. “That was your next show of proof, by the way. Now come on. They’ll be there by the time we get out the door at this rate.”

“When…when you talked about Danny flying in earlier,” Wirt said as Jazz shooed him out the door and locked it behind them, “was that supposed to be literal?”

“I would’ve meant it literally even if I had meant on a plane,” she said, which Wirt supposed was answer enough. He just….

“What else can your brother do?”

Jazz was already heading down the stairs, but she glanced back without missing a step. “How much research did you do on Amity Park?”

“Um….”

“Just give me the cliffnotes version.”

“It’s a nice place to live?”

“I’m serious.”

“Ghosts attacks are common.”

Jazz made an irritated noise and started moving faster, forcing Wirt to take the stairs two at a time to keep up with her. “Read anything about our town’s protector?”

“The ghost hunters, you mean? Your family?”

There was a beat before Jazz answered, “I don’t just mean Mom and Dad.” He joined her on the landing, and she immediately turned and led the way out the door, setting off at a quick clip for the residence hall he and Toby had been assigned.

“The other one, then?” He had to practically jog to keep up with her. This was ridiculous. This was not a fast walk, whatever she made it appear to be. “The one with the jet sled?”

“I’m talking about Phantom.”

“So there really is a ghost that fights other ghosts?”

“Yes.”

“And that matters right now because—?”

“Danny Phantom.”

“What?”

“That’s his name. Danny Phantom.”

“So—?”

“My brother is not very original.”

“What does Danny have to—?” Wirt broke off as Jazz’s meaning sunk in.

This had to be a joke. She couldn’t seriously mean that.

Even if it would explain her brother’s cryptid remarks earlier. And the reason he could turn invisible and get into locked room and apparently fly.

But…but Danny was solid. Real. Wirt had touched him, seen him touch other very real, very solid objects. Jazz’s brother couldn’t be some spirit clinging to this world after a tragic lab accident, however dramatic he’d tried to make that seem. Ghosts weren’t tangible—

—except in Amity Park.

“Danny’s dead?” Wirt hissed.

“Not exactly.”

That made even less sense.

“So he’s a demon?”

There really wasn’t another option. Plus, it might be the real reason Jazz never came to any of Wendy’s apocalypse training sessions with them. Wendy wasn’t big on demons. Not that Wirt would have expected her to be, but—

“No.”

Okay, he was completely lost now. “Then what the heck is he?”

“Just think of him as a human with ghost powers. It’ll be a lot easier on your head.”

“How is that supposed to be easier?”

“Do you really want me to launch into a spiel about what I think Danny’s molecular structure looks like right now?”

“I—”

“Because it is all speculation. I haven’t exactly put him under a microscope. I don’t even need to ask him if he’s comfortable with the idea because I know he isn’t. Who would be? We have no reason to believe he’s in any danger; not more than anyone is who does what he does, anyway. He’s stable. He’s not broken. He’s different. That’s not a bad thing.”

“He’s dead.”

“Not dead. And not demonic. Just because that was your experience, doesn’t make it Danny’s. Or mine.”

He’d played along with this whole thing for too long to ask if Jazz really meant that Danny had been the first person to give Phantom a name, hadn’t he? Because somehow being the reason Phantom took the name Danny—whether Danny Fenton gave him that name or if Phantom fancied it and adopted it, in honour of Fenton or not—didn’t explain anything. That would just be wishful thinking, especially after what Jazz had said.

Besides, Wirt knew that things that couldn’t be explained could actually happen.

He had simply never expected that they had genuinely happened to anyone else.

Particularly while they were still in this dimension.

“I just can’t….”

“You wanted to help Toby, didn’t you? So stop saying you can’t. Just roll with it and do the best you can. Life gets weird sometimes. You should’ve learned that by now.”

“I was fifteen!”

“Danny was fourteen.”

There was no way he could argue this like a sane person and actually come out ahead, was there?

Wirt swallowed his retorts, deciding to save his breath as Jazz picked up the pace again. Geez, that girl could run. By the time they got to the residence hall, he could taste blood and was gasping for breath in between coughing fits that somehow made the stabbing, burning pain in his side worse, and she wasn’t even winded.

He was still fumbling for his keys when someone else walked out, giving him a weird look but holding the door long enough for Jazz to grab it. Wirt pretended that his face was flushed only from exertion and not the fact that he was pretty sure that kid lived just down the hall from him and that he’d have to live with the fact that this guy was always going to remember him as this out-of-shape weirdo who—

“Come on. You can catch your breath when we get to your room. Probably.”

Jazz didn’t bother knocking when they got there. The knob turned when she tried it, and she shoved him inside before following and locking the door behind her.

Wirt wasn’t sure what he expected to see when they got there.

Someone injured, sure. That made sense. Toby had asked for a first aid kit.

But somehow, Wirt had never expected that said injured, uh, creature would not be human.

A quick glance told him that Jazz wasn’t the least bit fazed by the giant thing sprawled across Toby’s bed. It looked like it was dressed in armour, too. Without a helmet but with horns. Wirt shuddered, too reminded of the Beast not to immediately think demon despite the vastly different horn type. He looked for Wendy, but she was just perched on his desk, digging through the first aid kits, one balanced on her lap and two open beside her; she showed no signs of going for the hidden hatchet and trying to kill the thing, so that had to be a good sign.

Not that that gave Wirt much of an idea of what the creature was if it wasn’t a demon.

He didn’t really want to ask.

It did explain why someone had covered the window, though. Not so much as a shaft of sunlight was peeking through, so there was no way someone from outside could just happen to glance in and see…that.

“What—?”

“Jim and Claire are hurt,” Toby said, and Wirt tore his eyes away from the beast and finally realized that Jazz stood with Toby over a figure on Wirt’s bed, this one in that purple armour Claire had been wearing.

Was still wearing.

Toby was still wearing his armour, too. Wirt was pretty sure he wasn’t imagining the blood on it. He shivered, suddenly cold despite the fact that he knew he was still sweaty from that run. There was just…so much here he hadn’t known. And that creature….

He hadn’t realized that anything could give him chills like this. Since the Unknown, horror movies and such had never given him the creeps. They weren’t real, and he knew that, so he just never let himself be bothered by it. But this?

This thing was real.

And definitely not human.

And probably not a demon, since Wendy had no problem with it. At least, it wasn’t glowing. Its eyes might be, if they were open, but they weren’t, so—

No. He couldn’t go down that rabbit hole now. This one was bad enough. Wirt swallowed. “Badly?”

“Bad enough,” Wendy said as she hopped off the desk to give Toby whatever she’d been looking for in the kit. “A home stitch job isn’t going to make a concussion go away.”

“Let me, I’ve had a lot of practice,” Jazz said, reaching for something from Wendy. It wasn’t until she’d ripped open the package and fished out the contents that he realized it held sterilized needles. That wasn’t standard for first aid kits, right?

“This is crazy,” Wirt said. “We need to get her to the hospital.” He moved to stand at the end of his bed and tried to ignore the monster who lay on Toby’s in his peripheral vision. He stared at Claire’s armour instead, noting the smoothness of its joints and trying not to see what the others were doing. A quick glance had told him entirely too much. “She needs actual medical care. Last I checked, none of you guys have graduated med school.”

“No, but I’d wager we’re all experts in home treatment,” Wendy said. “Toby never flunked that part of the apocalypse prep courses, if you’ll remember.”

“I thought that was just your idea of first aid on steroids.”

“We don’t need an audience,” Jazz interrupted, and Wirt didn’t need to lift his head to know she hadn’t looked up from threading her needle. “Go help Danny.”

Wirt hadn’t actually seen Danny, so he glanced around the room again. “Where is he? Trying find someone to help?”

“He’s checking over Jimbo,” Toby said quietly. He was still looking over the piece of armour that was jutting out of Claire’s arm. Her arm. Speared by what Wirt could only assume was her own armour, though he couldn’t imagine how. He could see her losing a piece of plate, sure, but having it come back, sharpened to a point and tearing through her flesh— No, he couldn’t think about that right now. He quickly looked away, staring at Toby’s helmetless head instead and realizing how much sweat had plastered down his hair. “He and Claire got it bad. Jim can shake off a lot, but there was some dark magic in this mix.”

“Jim,” Wirt repeated. He remembered that name. “He was that other kid you were close friends with in high school, right? Tall, lanky? I think you raved about his food?” In truth, the last was the only thing Wirt remembered. Toby always raved about Jim’s food. Apparently, he made a mean omelet. “Did you at least drop him at the walk-in clinic or—?”

Toby finally met Wirt’s eyes. He looked…drained. That was the only way Wirt could think to describe it. “He’s on my bed.”

Wait.

What?

Wirt looked. The monster was still very much there. And now that he looked a little higher, he could see Danny hovering above him. Literally hovering. Maybe two feet from the ceiling. He’d paused in whatever examination he’d been doing to stuff his hand in his mouth and try to stifle his laughter, but he lost that battle the moment he realized Wirt had seen him.

“This is a prank,” Wirt said, coming to that conclusion again. That was the only thing that made sense. They’d finally done it. He didn’t know how they’d done, but they’d gotten him good, and he’d admit that. “Good one, guys. You really had me going.”

“This blood isn’t faked,” Wendy said bluntly. “Trust me, Wirt, if we were going to prank you, we’d all be laughing.”

“Sorry,” Danny whispered as he dropped down to Wirt’s eye level. “I just…. When I realized you hadn’t seen me, I couldn’t resist.” The smile dropped off his face as he added, “They’re right, though. This is serious. Definitely worse than the time Sam got hit by some of Skulker’s shrapnel.” His feet finally hit the floor again, and he pointed at the mon—at Jim. “Look at the way the armour impacted. It’s like he ran into a wall. Which he wouldn’t do, because when his eyes are open, they actually function. My guess is Jim has a lot of internal injuries, even with that stoneskin of his. Plus, y’know, the sheer amount of magic it would’ve taken to knock out him out. I’m surprised they were strong enough to bring him back here. He would’ve been dead weight.”

He turned away from Wirt, leaving Wirt to stare at the creature’s—Jim’s?—face and try to see something other than solid stone.

And trying to see the human face of the kid he’d thought had been Toby’s friend Jim in there somewhere.

However, Wirt was not so absorbed that he didn’t hear Danny’s utterly ridiculous question. “You guys can open portals to the Ghost Zone, right?”

How could this be real? It shouldn’t be real. It was even more insane than the Unknown, because he could pretend that that had just been a dream, complete with singing frogs and magical curses and nearly dying ten times over. There was a legitimate nightmarish monster lying on Toby’s bed that was apparently Jim, the amazing cook, and Jazz’s little brother had been floating, and—

“I mean, it doesn’t look like the Shadow Realm,” Toby said slowly. “Have you ever heard a name for it?”

“No,” was the hissed response, and Wirt blinked. He hadn’t realized Claire was conscious, even though he didn’t know who else Toby could have possibly been asking. “Haven’t seen anyone else there. Wouldn’t ask them where we were if I had.”

“Wait,” Wirt said. “What are we pretending happened here?”

“We’re not pretending anything because we’re not telling anyone else,” Wendy said without looking back at him. “But you should be able to guess what happened. Claire came to get Toby because they needed help. It went poorly.”

“Can I just see your staff?” Danny asked. “If I’m right and it does open portals to the Ghost Zone—and I really think I am—then I know someone who might be able to help Jim.”

“I’m willing to try anything. Claire?”

“Yeah.”

“Wendy, can you—?”

“I’ve got you covered,” Wendy said, smoothly swapping places with Toby.

Wirt backed up until he hit the door and tried not to think about how much blood was on Toby’s hands right now. He felt…out of place. More out of place than usual. Even more out of place than he’d felt in the Unknown, and this was the real world.

His friends were all taking this easily, like they’d known each other’s secrets all along, but his gut told him they hadn’t. His gut had been wrong before, admittedly, but this time it was backed up by how Jazz and Wendy had reacted to each other’s bits of dropped knowledge earlier. There had been curiosity and consideration, but there hadn’t been doubt.

“You know how to work that thing, right? I can carry Jim. Heck, I can carry both of you if you can’t manage a portal to a specific spot in the Ghost Zone.”

“Claire’s the one who really knows how to work this thing, not me, and getting back here took enough out of her. I can make it open a portal but I’m not good enough to do a place, especially not to somewhere I haven’t seen.”

“Okay, I can carry you piggyback so I can hold Jim and you can have a hand free to work that staff. Just let me know when you’re ready.”

Toby reached over Claire to grab something from the bed, and Danny…changed.

Wirt had closed his eyes against the bright light, but when he opened them, he recognized Danny Phantom from the pictures he’d seen while researching Amity Park.

“Awesomesauce,” was all Toby said before lifting up some kind of baton that glowed and grew into a staff and—

That was definitely a portal in their room, opening up as quickly as if reality were tissue paper that Toby had just stabbed through with his finger instead of gestured at with that staff.

It was a huge, vividly green portal that pulsed brightly enough to make the overhead light seem dim, and it apparently led into the Ghost Zone, of all places….

Jazz’s little brother, who was none other than Danny Phantom, with Wirt’s armour-wearing and staff-wielding roommate Toby on his back, picked up and cradled the giant monster that was somehow Toby’s friend Jim in his arms before flying all of them through that portal.

It winked out behind them as it had never been there.

“Wirt, Danny put some ice in the bathroom sink. Can you wrap some in a towel and bring it here?”

Where had Danny gotten ice? It wasn’t like this was a hotel and there was an ice machine down the hall or something. The cafeteria was in an entirely different building, but maybe he’d gone there for some. Even if it was winter, there wasn’t exactly a lot of ice or snow outside.

Then again. Danny Phantom. Wirt had a vague recollection of a reference to ice powers.

Wirt moved robotically, trying not to be surprised by the fact that the sink was full of perfect ice cubes that weren’t melting, or at least weren’t melting enough to stick to each other yet, and scooped a handful into a hand towel that he hoped was clean. Those had never gone missing like the socks, but they weren’t always remembered come laundry day, either.

He came out and handed the homemade ice pack to Wendy, trying not to stare at Claire’s pale face or the bruises already beginning to blossom on it. There was no sign of the helmet she’d been wearing earlier, though that cut that came entirely too close to her eye might be the reason for its absence, if someone had gotten in a lucky strike with a spear—

“I’ll be fine,” she hissed between clenched teeth when she noticed him. “I’ve had worse.”

Having had worse didn’t mean she was fine now. She shouldn’t be conscious. Well, she at least shouldn’t be this coherent, shouldn’t be able to read his expression and know his thoughts so easily. Was he really that transparent? Wendy had been worried about a concussion. Maybe—

“Go get some air,” Jazz said. “We don’t need you fainting on us, and we can handle this ourselves.”

He hadn’t been thinking about fainting. If anything, he’d been debating running away from here and just never coming back. This kind of stuff was supposed to be reasonable and stay in dreams and stories instead of invading perfectly logical or rational realities. Or maybe he just needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t judge him for what would sound like wild fantasies. A real therapist, not Jazz.

“Hey, you still with us?”

That was Wendy. She would not appreciate Wirt saying no. “Yeah,” he croaked out.

“Good. Then go. Get yourself a drink. Take a moment for this to sink in. Then you can come back and we can talk.”

He didn’t want to talk.

He didn’t want this to be real.

Why did this have to be real?

The Unknown was just supposed to be a dream. He didn’t want to admit that, yes, he’d actually travelled to another dimension or stumbled into some limbo between life and death or whatever it had been—

Maybe he really was losing it. Maybe none of this was real and it just felt real. Though, if he was delusional, this went way beyond his friends supporting him. This was…. Either this was enabling him or none of this was real and—

“Wirt.” Jazz again. “Seriously. Talk to us. What do you need? Would you rather just lie down for a bit instead?”

Right. Lie down where the monster that was Jim had been. Since that bed was free now that he and Toby and Danny had left through a portal in reality.

“Yeah, he’s not okay.” Wendy. “Hold down the fort. I’m going to wash up and get him out of here.”

He didn’t register that Wendy had moved until she was steering him out the door with still-wet hands. She paused only long enough to close the door behind her before pushing him forward.

It took entirely too long for him to realize that they were going to her favourite hidden corner on campus, a bench on the path that passed the bio and chem buildings that was half-hidden by bushes and trees in a little alcove by the northwest entrance to bio that Wirt had never seen anyone use.

“Sit.”

Wirt sat.

Wendy dropped down beside him. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

There was really no point in lying. Wendy would call him on it. He spoke in short, halting sentences, not so much because he didn’t know what he was thinking as because he wasn’t sure of a sane way of wording any of it. But that was the crux of it, really. Sanity didn’t factor into any of this. So, he just told her the truth, as best he could.

Wendy, being Wendy, never laughed at him. Never denied any of this. Never reassured him that it wasn’t real or that she hadn’t seen what he had.

“Yeah,” she said when he’d stopped for long enough that it was clear to her he didn’t intend to continue. “That about sums it up, I guess.”

“How does this not….” He swallowed and tried again. “Did you know?”

“About what, Jazz and Danny? Not really. I never bothered doing research on her or anything. I just knew she could take care of herself, and that was enough for me. I learned the details when you did.”

“Toby?”

She grimaced. “I knew something was there. I didn’t know it was this big. Trolls weren’t something I’d encountered in Gravity Falls. Don’t get me wrong; they’re probably there. And from what I know about the Gremloblin, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s related.”

“The what?”

She shrugged. “Half-gremlin, half-goblin. Makes you see your worst nightmare if you look it in the eyes. Dipper captured it once. Or at least one of them, if it’s a species and not just a rare hybrid.”

She didn’t look like she was kidding.

Wirt groaned. “This can’t be real life.”

Wendy raised an eyebrow at him. “You are lucky Mabel isn’t here for this conversation or she’d take that as a cue to start singing.” When Wirt didn’t say anything else, she continued, “Look, I know this is a lot. You’ve obviously been in denial for a long time. But if we’re going to be able to help Toby and Claire and Jim, you need to pull yourself together. Like it or not, this is real life. It’s your life, it’s my life, it’s all our messed up lives. You can choose to walk away from this. I know Toby won’t judge you for that; he’s a better person than I am. But if you want to walk away, you need to be prepared to either cut us off completely so you can ignore everything that’s going on in our lives or cover for us when this stuff does come up, even if your involvement ends there. It’s your choice, but you need to make it soon.”

“But—”

“This isn’t me trying to pressure you into making a decision. It’s me telling you that we don’t have time for you to weigh every pro and con about every feasible scenario you can think of. We’re in the middle of this now, and we need to know if you’re in or out.”

“I don’t know—”

“That’s why I’m going to let you think it over and figure it out. Unless you want me to stay here and listen some more?”

She was more use to Claire than she was to him, so he shook his head.

“Okay. Text me if you wanna talk one-on-one with someone before you come back. As far as your decision goes…. We’ll do what we can to protect you either way, but I’m not going to promise you that you’ll be fine. I don’t know if you will be. I don’t know if I will be. I don’t know enough about what’s going on despite what Toby told me when Danny and I got there, but even if I did know, I still couldn’t make that guarantee. We’ll never be able to give you that guarantee.”

“I just…. I don’t know if I’m ready for any of this.”

“No one is. Well, I like to think I was more prepared for my first apocalypse than the average person, but for the most part? No one is.”

“Wait, what do you mean, first apocalypse?”

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I helped save the world once. And I don’t think it’s a lie to say I’m not the only one, so it wouldn’t be a stretch to think I might wind up helping stop a second.” Wendy got to her feet. “Just think about it. Take some time to clear your head and sort things out. We’ll be in your dorm room until Toby gets back, and one of us will text you if we leave before you show up.”

“I don’t think I can do this,” whispered Wirt, looking away so he didn’t have to see Wendy’s face when he admitted that.

“Then you don’t have to. But don’t give up until you give it some real thought, okay?”

“Okay.”

He didn’t look up as she walked away.

(see more fics | next)

[ziracona]

On a scale of one to ten (one is your screwed and ten is your gonna destroy them) how would you do in a fight against the dead by daylight killers. First rules though. 1. No prep for either side (suck it Danny) 2. No guns! Only weapons found around your house. 3. It's to the death one being leaves an that's it. 4. No help from friends or pets. 5. Whether legion is four teens or just one combined is up to you.

Uhh, this depends drastically on if you mean I one v one every one of them, or if I’m trying to fight a mob. Because if it’s me vs all of them, I’d just die. Like I’m sure I’d have decent odds of killing at least one, maybe two, and taking them with me. But I’m not John Wick—I cant 1v23 a bunch of armed people with some degree of experience with their weapons given no prep time, allies, or special weapons to save me. I like basically anyone else die sadly to the mob.

If this is one v one though, bc it’d be hard to get them all to work together anyway, and that’s the only way like anyone stands a chance?

Evan: I give me 50-50 odds. He’s way bigger than me and his weapon has a longer reach than any known, even the swords. I’m pretty good at thinking on my feet though. I feel like I have about a 50% chance of living or dying (I’m getting gravely injured regardless), but if I die, I am taking him with me, 80% chance. I was not always proficient at winning fights, but I was very good at not losing them. I’ve been known for taking a sword to get a kill hit at cons a lot. I give me a 6 at simultaneous KO or victory.

Philip I refuse to kill. Even if he was trying to kill me. I would defend myself though. Much bigger threat than Evan to me because I /don’t/ want to hurt him at all, which puts me at disadvantage and liable to freeze up or make mistakes even trying to deal nonlethal damage, he’s bigger and taller than me so height and weight advantage, and I don’t have long enough weapons to help me overcome that, plus on top of that, he’s a tactical fighter, which is what I am. And I think it’s harder to beat someone at your and their own game than just to beat another style most of the time. I mean skill is skill in any area, but I’d take a really strong tank in a fight rather than a planner any day of the week. I think he’s smart, probably smarter than me under pressure, definitely more experienced, and would kick my ass tactically if his heart was in it. If it wasn’t though, I’d have a chance to catch him off guard. I think Vs Philip I get one chance to use a tricky move, and if I mess that up, I die. If I do it right, maybe I can knock him out. It’s a one shot long shot at disadvantage. I give me a 4 if his heart isn’t in it, 3 if it is.

Hillbilly has a chainsaw and hammer, but those are both unwieldy and slow weapons. I’m faster than him, and I’m willing to get hurt. Also he’s killed a lot, but he’s not a /fighter/, which gives me an edge. Being tactical works really well vs someone whose edge is brute force. And he doesn’t have as massive a height or strength advantage. I also have tricks and home court advantage. So long as I don’t fuck up, I give myself an 8.5.

Sally isn’t that scary. I would try to incapacitate her. I feel I could easily take her as a ghost or a person. I have good ghost fighting supplies, salt, chalk, talismans, knowledge. I’m prepared for this. I think I’m coming in for this one at a solid 10.

Michael Myers would kill me. I mean, he’s got like X-Man semi invincibility, good skills, and I don’t really want to kill him. I’d try to talk him down while defending myself. I’d probably fail, but I’d try. Best case scenario I get him to hesitate, but also I’m being generous and giving me a 12% chance of that. Realistically, best case is I pull out a rug, trip him, and temporarily escape. A fight in an enclosed space, most likely outcome is I try and fail to talk him down, and I die. I feel very sure I cannot take him in a fight unless Ishtar herself blesses me with god like abilities. I’m probably dead. At least it would be quick. I give me a 1.6.

Lisa is tiny and not that strong. I could easily break her little glass bones. I’m taller and stronger than her, and she had worse weapons than me. I would try not to kill her though—just incapacitate. I feel I could do this while sustaining only minor wounds. Not to give you a look beyond weird ghost shit into my personal arsenal, but I definitely have supplies for that. I give me a 10.

Herman is tall and strong but he’s not a fighter. He’s a scientist. I’ve been shocked before, and I know what to expect from him. He’s getting blasted by a power washer at range until his weird face apparatus comes off and he’s down and out. I have more precise weapons than him and can easily neutralize his abilities and turn them against him. Also have rubber to wear. He’s big though, so for that alone I give me a 9.6 in case I mess up.

Anna would destroy me. She’s good at ranged weapons, I am not. I would try to look as young as possible and convince her in my very bad but slowly improving baby Russian to please have mercy on me. We’re back to the Michael scenario where I know I have no chance of normal survival and would have to try and talk my way out. My odds are higher here though. I’m pretty cute and I know a little Russian. I give me a 4. But the 4 is not me winning it’s my odds of surviving through begging for my life. She’d kick my ass in a fight.

Bubba isn’t that good at fighting and has a big and cumbersome, if scary, weapon. I feel I could easily use terrain, weapons, and strategy to my advantage and kill him, unless I’m in a place with no terrain or furniture. In which case it’d be a lot worse for me. If I was not, though, I give me a solid 9.6 at owning that fight. I have a good throwing arm and plenty of stuff that can blind a foe, and a lot of weapons. A lot of weapons.

Freddy. Okay this is hard. I know how to kill him about as well as anyone does? So comparatively my odds are good? But. Also he’s a demon and a bit of a heavyweight in this arena. Sadly. If we’re in-realm rules, I have a /very/ good chance of kicking his ass. Give me a 10 to win, although I might not survive either. Probably would. If he’s like /film/ loadout? I give me more like a 6. It would be a battle, but I have a lot of knowledge and determination. Also I’m taller than him and bigger and could break his arms.

Amanda. Easy fam, that’s a 10. No, 11. Injured recently drugged Eric Matthews almost kicked her ass while toting a smashed foot. She’s like, 5 foot 1 and 30 pounds underweight. It’s not gonna be hard at all.

Kenneth I give me a 10 too. Easy fam. Even if he gets realm rules where he’s not tripping balls on his own drugs, I know what he’s got. I’ve got better weapons, I’m young, fast, strong, and smarter. I hold my breath, and run him through. Quick jabs from a dagger, take him down. Use my agility. He was never a fighter anyway—he used drugs to prey on people who couldn’t fight back. You know what? Give me another 11.

Rin? Uhhhh, I know as much as about anyone how to deal with her, but my odds of succeeding /before/ she killed me are...not great. And if we fought, there’s no way I have the ability to kill an Onryo. I put using my supernatural beings knowledge to hold her back long enough to stop her in the realm of improbably, but potentially doable, and give myself a 2.7. This is not to kill her though. Just to make her stop killing me. I have no way near the power or spiritual knowledge needed to kill something like that.

Legion I’d not really want to kill. They’re all teenagers or baby 20 year olds. I don’t want to wail fatally on kids, even ones who suck. That said, I think I could take them in a fight. If it was four and I got to fight them one at a time, easiest, four in one body back to back is medium, four at once is hard. First two options I could potentially fight to not kill. Third option only choice would be do everything I can to even /maybe/ have a shot. I have less experience stabbing people, but I’m more ready to take pain, and more motivated, so I give myself a 6, 5, and 3.5 to those scenarios respectively. I would be badly wounded regardless.

Adiris I don’t have healthy enough fear of dying of bubonic plague, and that would give me an edge. I think I have a good sword and shield combo to deal with the mace. She’s tall, but I have her beat in strength and stamina as well as agility bc she’s emaciated and dying. I would not want to kill her though. Might try to talk to her in my fucked Akkadian. Try to incapacitate if that failed. I give me a solid 8 if she’s treating this like a 9 to 5 or distracted by me, give me a 4 if she wants me /dead/. Either way, I probably have to run to the CDC and pray I survive scarred after.

Danny is just some sneaky dick with a knife. He doesn’t even know how to get stabbed. Slightly harder than a few other knife fighters bc he wears so much damn leather, but the eyes and mouth of that mask are vulnerable, and I feel sure I can drive a knife into them before sustaining any kind of fatal wound. He doesn’t have much edge on me in any area, I have him well beat in conviction, and I’m smarter than him by quite a bit. I give me a 9.

Uhhh, Demo isn’t that hard, and I love fire. Probably gonna get a little hurt, but I’m not worried about this one. Easy 10.

Kazan is interesting. He has me beat in size and strength, but his weapon is unwieldy and slow. I have quick weapons and am more agile, and I’m ready to fight dirty to save myself. 7 probably. It’s a luck thing. I have the edge, but if he really lands a hit on me even once, it’s all over. So. Not the /best/ of odds. Maybe a 6.8, actually.

You said no guns but I assume Caleb still gets his. He only gets one shot before being vulnerable though, and he’s much older than me. I’m faster and more agile, and stronger. He’s got really good endurance too though so I don’t have the edge there. It’s gonna be kind of a game of chicken to see who blinks. If he misses his one shot, I win. If he gets the shot, he wins. However, I think my odds of baiting the shot and getting my opening are decent. I give me a solid 7 here.

I still don’t even know which Pyramid Head he /is/. Why does any version exist here and want to kill me, can he smell, can I use that, can electricity hurt him, can he use my guilt against me? There are so many unknowns for both of us, I give us both a 5.

Talbot is an easy 10 unless he gets the jump on you. But you said no planning, so no surprise attacks, so I give me a 10. His body is literally falling apart, and all the blight serum in the world can’t save him from me forever. I have a bunch of tools at my disposal, and he’s fast, but he’s not accurate. Edge, me.

Victor and Charlotte. Interesting one here. Don’t want to kill them either, but I would to save myself I guess if I couldn’t stop them. Not scared of Victor. I bite too, and I go for the throat. Charlotte is more of a problem. Finally it’s a tall killer with a short range weapon though, so edge: me, in weapons. I think I have decent odds of beating them, but I would not get out unscathed. Give me a 7.5.

Jo-Woon. Depends wildly. He throws tiny knives that do too little damage. If he takes me seriously as a threat and tries to go for the throat before I can get close, edge: him, and I’m in for a really rough fight even with a shield. If he wants to fuck around with me though, I’ll win. Because I am prepared to suffer immensely to get a kill shot. If he was smart, I’d give the fight a 6, but I feel extremely confident he’d be cocky, so I give me a 9 to survive, a 10 to at worst get a simultaneous K.O.

[ganymedesclock]

So... What do you think about revisiting Danny phantom in general? Revisiting the fandom I've noticed a lot of fanfic that have Danny's parents finding out his deal rather violently, or generally having more violence/angst than the original show..

I’m assuming you’re sending me this ask because of my recent burst of Danny Phantom art, so, it’s probably not a surprise to say I’m doing a certain amount of revisiting myself, and certainly not about to shame anyone else for it. It was a very dear cartoon to me in many ways and left some enduring hallmarks on my own writing, and I can absolutely understand people feeling the same way.

That said, as someone who’s been in this fandom for a while, albeit quietly- there certainly is a thread of macabre interest in fandom spaces, one I don’t always know that I agree with, especially when it comes to the Fentons.

My personal verdict on the Fenton parents specifically is I think they are not handled fairly by canon. This is a problem that Danny Phantom as a show shares with Fairly Odd Parents, though I would argue the Turner parents in FOP are quite a bit worse at this.

Roughly, I think how the Fenton parents are canonically depicted suffers from a phenomenon that affects many parts of the show: DP, as a series, has a bit of a sense of confused priorities between comedy and drama, and as a result, what’s 'real’ in-universe and what’s “just supposed to be a joke”. The kind of humor that DP tends to spring for is exaggerated or shocking behavior- it also tends to be a humor that hinges on the idea that other people are generally inconvenient to the main character. So humor-characterization is inconsistent here- Jack is negligent until it’s more inconvenient to depict him as overbearing (see: Girl’s Night Out and other cases he desperately wants to bond with Danny) he’s a recluse only loved by his wife until it’s more inconvenient to depict him as having an active social life (Masters Of All Time and that he and Maddie are going to a themed party so they’re dressed ‘weirdly’ in public)

A big victim of this is Jack’s sense that ghosts aren’t people and his desire to dissect them. Because here is the thing: it’s all talk, in the worst way. It hinges on the idea Jack- someone who knows enough of what he’s doing that along with Maddie and, in the past, Vlad- ripped two different holes in reality hard enough to permanently alter someone’s relation to undeath- has never seen a ghost before the series as he says in Mystery Meat.

The series has a big problem where it hinges on the Fentons’ inventions and expertise but also wants to treat them like idiots constantly. And if you notice how much I’m talking exclusively about Jack- that’s part of the problem. Maddie, in many ways, outside of episodes that throw her a bone, despite constantly being told by people she’s too good for Jack, is really treated as an extension of Jack. Masters Of All Time even suggests that her choosing Jack in the first place was just a path of least resistance between her two college friends, and she’d have married whichever one stuck around. 

The Fentons are not respected as experts, so Jack is given his ignorant line about dissecting a ghost. The Fentons need to remain exaggerated, ridiculous, an inconvenience to Danny- so they threaten his alter ego and point guns at him, but this is funny and not serious and not a reason to be worried about them as parents, because they are not on Danny’s level. Nobody is ever on Danny’s level. There is literally an episode called The Ultimate Enemy. The antagonist is an evil future Danny. The only person who could ever be Danny’s ultimate nemesis is Danny himself. 

And when the series stops milking the Fentons for jokes about how they’re so stupid and how Jack is an idiot and Maddie married that idiot but even she doesn’t respect him even though she loves him and dutifully follows him everywhere and god how can these people care about ghosts they’re so ignorant and out of their league- 

-then it kinda shuffles its feet awkwardly and goes, yeah. the Fentons love each other, and love their kids.

Yeah, Jack has framed photographs of Maddie, Jazz, and Danny on his personal workstation.

Yeah, in Mystery Meat Jack was seriously debating walking away from his lifework because it upset one of his kids. 

Yeah, every time in canon the Fentons find out Danny’s secret they’re immediately all in supporting him.

Yeah, even not knowing it’s Danny, Jack has an amiable conversation with him in Million Dollar Ghost and the ghost containment units designed by the Fentons get some jokes about that they’re a little cramped but they aren’t horrifying prisons of inhumanity- and as soon as Danny Phantom the ghost boy has a good point, Jack lets him go on purpose. 

Yeah, Jack is a competent ghost hunter who can take on Skulker and win as well as beat down the giant lake monster Skulker brought with him in Girls’ Night Out and would do this in a heartbeat, no jokes and no sidetracks, because that monster just chewed on his baby boy and nobody does that to his baby boy.

Yeah, Maternal Instinct is an entire episode of Maddie throwing hands with (or deceiving and manipulating) literally anything she thinks was responsible for getting Danny in this dangerous situation.

...And then the series says “but that’s not funny! Here, have jokes about the Fenton Stockades, that exist and have spikes and Jack wants to put his kids in them for time out, when the spikes apparently don’t hurt given Jack is not injured for being put in there. Here, have a joke about Jack attacking Jazz with a vacuum cleaner because he gets hellbent on the idea she’s possessed for no good reason. Here, have an uncomfortable joke about how badly Jack Fenton wants to vivisect a ghost while it screams. Funny funny funny. Why- why are you flinching?”

It basically creates a comedic situation where the show is constantly winding up like it’s gonna punch you- with the idea that the Fentons are bad parents and this has consequences for Danny and Jazz personally- and then laughs in your face if you flinch. It’ll never actually punch you- but it will sure keep swinging its hand really close to your face and laughing at your reactions.

This is, I’m just gonna say- one of the worst elements of the series, this weird relationship it has with “hahaha are we depicting an abusive family or not? ;)” where its actual point is that Jack Fenton is a person who should be shamed for being overzealous, for caring about this niche field, because nobody cares about ghosts! (unless the entire premise of the show does) Nobody wants to think about ghost science! That’s LAME! (unless Vlad does it)

So I think ultimately this creates a polarizing experience in the fandom. What part of this information do you take?

Do you take, say, my personal approach, which is: 

“Hey, so it’s pretty clear and consistent that the Fentons love their kids and wouldn’t hurt them. The Fentons are nice people. They can be obsessive or headstrong but there’s nuanced and salient ways to examine this in the basic framework that they care, both about their family specifically, and in general- and while I think they can have flaws or conflicts with their kids, and with ambient ghosts in the world, I really don’t think they’re in danger of torturing a sapient entity in their basement and it frustrates and annoys me that canon ‘makes a joke’ of them doing these things because it thinks they’re so incompetent that these things are not really malicious actions, when- whether or not you successfully shoot them, it takes a certain kind of person to point a weapon you know is dangerous at something that looks, and talks, like a fourteen-year-old, especially when you’re a parent who has probably at least once in your life worried about something happening to your kids, and the ghost of a teenager means something happened to someone’s kid, in a general sense.

So my end conclusion on the Fentons is I think they are being depicted in a kind of metatextual bad faith, that they are not cruel or malicious people, and in my personal take or understanding on the series, I’d massively dial down those elements, and if any remain, take them seriously as problems they have in their relationships with other people.”

Or do you take an approach more rooted in,

“If the Fentons are shown to be negligent parents they are negligent parents, I’m going to examine and depict them as that, and I find this very hard to forgive, so it’s going to have real and nasty consequences.”

Both are basically valid. The place where I tend to get a little uncomfortable is twofold:

First, I think sometimes people just really want some fictional tragedy to either create or consume, and to that end, you aren’t going to get much juicy drama out of the Fentons being reasonable people. This isn’t evil or unforgivable, but for me, it’s definitely my least favorite fannish content to create or consume. I’m no fan of angst for angst’s sake, and I feel like there’s enough misery and heartbreak in the world that I’m not interested in wallowing in it unless it’s got something interesting to say.

Second- and this is a point I’m gonna be saltier: A lot of abusive Fenton fics that refuse to forgive them for the poorer-taste jokes the series makes, simultaneously give Vlad a blank check, when he has done targetedly malicious things to Danny. 

Now- do I also have a more sympathetic read on Vlad, and feel like canon also gives him a bad rap? Yeah! But you can’t have it both ways. You can’t say, “I can’t forgive the Fentons for stuff that was tagged onto them because canon thought it was funny, but I’m gonna editorialize Vlad’s depiction to lionize him as the ideal parent figure for Danny to run into the arms of.”

And the main reason I get so worked up in this, is I feel like Jack in particular (when Maddie is characterized as subordinate to Jack, following his cues, etc., and that’s its own demon) is... characterized as kind of a mocking caricature of traits that I personally recognize as an autistic and ADHD person.

Because the reality is? In many practical ways, I am Jack Fenton.

I like a bunch of weird stuff people find unacceptable or gross, like bugs

I’m hyperlexic (that means I talk, a lot)

Scatterbrained, forget words or where I left something or, sometimes, to do something important

Passionate and excitable including and especially in situations where it’s not normal, or expected, to have this much energy

I absolutely can forget birthdays, even for people I love dearly that mean the world to me! It’s horrible! There’s almost nothing I can do about it! My brain refuses to hold onto this information reliably and no amount of caring fixes it.

And being this way, living like this? My worst nightmare has always been that people think I either don’t care or that I’m just too much of a stupid, flippant buffoon to get right.

The thing about Jack is he’s “a person like me” and he’s “a person like me” who was designed to be a joke. We’re clearly expected to view him as untrustworthy, stupid, just like a big dumb dog of a man who barks in the wrong directions, who sometimes, when it counts, fetches a stick like he’s supposed to. Good job, Lassie. You got little Timmy out of the well.

And I am going to say with certainty and confidence that feeling like this is how people see me is the most unbelievably crushing feeling I have ever experienced in my life. That my excitement and passion means I’m unprofessional, stupid, don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s nearly painful for me, as an adult, to watch Danny Phantom because the show can never get off Jack’s case. And the few times it does, he hauls overtime arduously to make a difference, to help, to build something that will protect others, to put his own life on the line to stop hostile ghosts.

And immediately, then he goes back to being stupid stupid dog man. ha ha. why does his wife love him? no wonder his kids don’t ever want to be seen with him. no wonder his best friend is trying to kill him and he doesn’t even know, the big idiot.

(never mind that we see a scenario where he does know. and admits he would’ve forgiven Vlad anyway. but he can’t forgive Vlad hurting Danny.)

So to rein in this wild tangent: I’m not saying all must love Jack Fenton and despair. I’m not even telling people to hide their angst. If I have a sincere request, it’s this:

If you’re inclined to thinking of Vlad as a cool, troubled, complex person (as I do!) and are haunted by the implications of The Ultimate Enemy specifically for Vlad, that when Danny lost everyone else in his life that Vlad really genuinely tried to help, and was not gloating and happy and victorious to have Danny as his protege, and when that went badly, he was haunted to the end of his days by not having been able to help-

-but immediately turn around and think Jack is just a rotten awful person who’d absolutely hurt his own kid in spite of canon to the contrary (when there’s just as much, if not more, canon of Vlad being willfully hostile)

It might be good to examine why you’re feeling this way, and if this might not come down to the fact that even when canon has people call Vlad a desperately lonely fruit loop, it has a lot more respect for him than it does for Jack, and this isn’t because it’s actually taking a stance against any of the qualities it gave Jack that someone might find disagreeable- it’s because Jack’s just “a big old fat idiot nobody likes, right?”

and that’s... not something comfy to buy into.

[asterekmess]

S3A - E5

AAaannddd, we’re back, with another episode! Wow, this rewatch is gonna take for-fucking-ever isn’t it? Yeah, I thought so. Anywho, on with the show.

Read More’s Are Polite

Thoughts:

Boyd and Isaac sharing a bus seat, even though there’s clearly empty seats available. I love it. I love the packness (I will cling to the barest hints at pack until the day I die)

I think this is the most I’ve ever heard Boyd talk. I want MORE BOYD.

Also, all these fucking twenty-somethings riding the bus, tryin’ to pretend they’re just wee little 16/17 year olds. HA. They look so uncomfortable.

This is also the most I think I’ve heard Danny speak. I want MORE DANNY.

Oh god, this episode is gonna give me a headache. I don’t even know how to start going about writing this. Do I follow the show, with the flashbacks every ten seconds? Or do I actually follow the timeline and try to piece together all these lil bits? Oof.

Why why won’t Scott talk to Stiles about the Darach thing? This is literally the exact thing that Stiles said was happening, and now Scott’s beloved Deaton has confirmed it and Scott just...refuses to talk to him about it?

As usual, I’m on Stiles’ side. Why the fuck are they going to this cross-country meet after what happened?? “safety in numbers” what does that mean? NONE of you should be going???

Also, injuries from an alpha take longer to heal yeah, but like, not days? There’s no reason that Scott should think that’s normal. Surely he went to Deaton with his injury, right? Did Deaton tell him it was normal?? ALSO, just to get that whole anti-scott thing out of the way. If Scott’s becoming a real Alpha, then there’s no reason the injury shouldn’t have healed way before this. It’s almost like he only has a few cosmetic traits of Alphas, but none of the biological ones. Hmmmmmmmm.

*slides in from the left* also, side note, it’s canon that wolves in a pack are stronger and faster “better in every way” which includes healing faster. So It makes total sense for Boyd and Isaac to have healed way faster than Scott. Scott’s an omega, while Boyd and Isaac have a pack. They’re literally automatically more powerful than him.

That was such a random way to introduce the premise of the episode. “I can’t believe he’s dead” where is that line coming from? We were talking about the slash in your side and werewolf healing abilities.

wow. that’s literally the first time I’ve heard Scott say ‘i looked it up.’ I’m actually....impressed? He actually did research...of his own volition? I’m fucking flabbergasted.

where the hell did he hear about that agreement between Allison and her dad? Did Chris tell him? Did he say it in the last episode and I can’t remember?

I...okay hear me out. I see the tension/teasing they were going for between Allison and Scott, but like...I still don’t vibe with it? Like, the point of the conversation is “Is Allison capable of fending off a werewolf” and it’s like....yes? Obviously? When she says “I have skills and training” she doens’t just mean with the bow, dude. She was specifically taught how to fight someone who is far faster and stronger than her. Her training included how to deal with claws. Your argument is just ‘I have all the same traits as what you were taught to defend yourself against’ and it doesn’t actually lend itself at all to him being too capable an opponent?

WHERE? Where does Scott get these moves from? I’m not sorry, but hand to hand abilities are not innate. Scott doesn’t get to just be a fighting genius because he’s a werewolf. Derek was trained. Isaac and Boyd were trained. Allison was trained. So what the fuck is up with Scott suddenly being able to do all these things? Reflexes don’t cover that. It’s the fucking lacrosse thing all over again. Being a werewolf isn’t a replacement for actual skill. And why are they so desperate to show that she’s not capable of fighting him? What is romantic about her spending months training to fight a werewolf, only to be immoblized by a fucking omega? That’s terrifiying?(not to mention it makes no sense for her training to have sucked that bad when her family is one of the most deadly hunter clans in the world?)

for that matter...how does he know where she lives now?

....did he have do the creepy “looking up through eyelashes” thing with the ‘and they should scare you too.” he just looks fuckin demonic with the grr face. It’s almost as bad as that nasty grin they gave Derek at the end of S1.

also, WHY are all the camera angles tilted diagonally? That’s how I take instagram pictures, not how to shoot a fucking tv show. everybody looks like they’re in a fun house??

Do the argents know that there is an entire pack of alpha werewolves living above them? Did anyone think to tell them?

Derek. STOP just telling people that they’re going to help you. You’re supposed to ask. Peter’s a horrible influence on you. I also kind of hate the implications of this fight Derek is planning. I hate that it’s more than just them killing Erica. It’s Derek trying to do what his sister wants him to do. She was pissed at him for not attacking them, and he tried to explain they weren’t ready yet, but she was so fucking angry at him. So now he’s doing this, to prove to her that she shouldn’t be disappointed in him. Can you imagine the pain of finding your long lost sister alive again, and the first thing she does is tell you that you’re a complete disappointment and you’re weak and she regrets coming to find you?

*snort* in these random slow-mo flashes to the mall fight, it’s so easy to see how fake the fighting is. Like, obviously I don’t blame them, cus’ it’s not like they could actually beat each other up, but watching Derek’s fist completely miss is hilarious.

Dude, obviously he’s listening. You’re two seats away from him. JARED is listening. The both of you, get some fucking volume control.

How’re you plannin on stopping them, Scott? Hm? Boyd’s been able to take you down since day one, and Isaac is a beautiful lil vicious boy.

Why is the default plan always murder? Um, because these are literally serial killers and there is no form of human law enforcement that could ever take them down? God, the idea of ‘reasoning’ with them is literally like reasoning with Hitler. Every one of them personally murdered their entire pack to be a part of Duke’s group. They killed Erica. There is No Reasoning with them.

Oh how I love Cora. Yes. Good girl. And No, Derek...he didn’t? He followed you into the vault begrudgingly and then enlisted the help of a fucking hunter who helped more than he did. Like...? I don’t get it? PLUS. What do you mean save her life? You already know that the Alphas intended for them to get out and they weren’t planning on killing Cora. They wanted her to kill other people so you would have to kill her. Which you were never gonna actually do, so how did anybody have to save her life? Derek? Wtf?

They already made the first move by kidnapping your sister and your betas, then killing one of them, and then injuring another. Honestly, they’ve made like five moves and ya’ll are super behind.

.....dude what is with this whole ‘Scott suddenly gets all the literary references” thing? I mean, i get that he’s supposed to have gotten all enlightened over summer break, but why tf was he reading the myth of Herakles? Also, spoiler, the Lernean Hydra was defeated by Herakles working with Iolaus to cut off its heads and cauterize the wound before more could grow back. So cutting its heads off still fucking worked. (Fun side-fact: Only two of the Hydra’s heads did the double growback thing. The middle head was completely impervious to Herakles’ weapons and was immortal, so he chopped it off as close to the body as he could and just buried it. Worked pretty well.)

God, I’m still just so disgusted with this whole Lydia/Aiden Danny/Ethan thing. Like, I saw someone somewhere say that Aiden and Ethan were well over eighteen...but then...how did they get enrolled at the school? Whatever, even if they were seventeen/eighteen, or hell, even nineteen, My issue is with the MURDER part. THEY ARE MURDERERS. WHY has no one explained this to Danny or Lydia?? WTF?

Ew. Why would Lydia ever wanna bang in a school office? She has standards, people.

Scott, this is the one time when you could actually say ‘i can smell it.” or ‘i just know” Because that’s LITERALLY how chemosignals work. and instead you just point out his claws?

why is this elevator so fucking big???

...i do not know what to think about the whole Deucalion is blind, but only when he wants to be, thing. Like...why’d they give him a disability and then just make it so he could turn it off anytime he wanted? It would’ve been so much more badass if he was always blind and had just learned to use his actually hyped up senses to navigate the world instead? It would’ve been even more badass if the only physically disabled person they have on the show weren’t a goddamn villain.

Okay, but like, Peter and Cora. His greeting to her, such a quiet, unassuming introduction to her? Clattering something to announce his presence. Keeping his distance. “it’s just me, your uncle.” But then, it intrigues me that he specifies. “Your uncle Peter.” DID THEY HAVE MORE THAN ONE UNCLE???? And Cora’s instant tension, but keeping a sass that sounds so much like something she would’ve learned as a kid, mimicking that terminology. “Uncle Peter who killed Sister Laura.”

I WANT THEM TO HUG SO BAD.

Okay, but timeline-wise. why didn’t anybody go to the bodies right after the fight? They all watched Derek and Ennis fall, but no one went to check on them? Huh?

what is with this voiceover??? You have no idea if Derek’s going to get them all killed! Them not doing anything is definitely going to get them all killed! “Don’t stop them, lead them.” GAG. Fuck you Deaton.

????I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Why does Boyd just randomly back down?? Is it supposed to be seeing that Scott’s hurt? Why would that matter? Is it supposed to be hearing that Scott cares? Cus’ that’s bullshit. Even if Scott does care, it’s not like he’s the only one? It’s not like Boyd’s all alone? Isaac’s RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and Cora and Stiles have all made clear they care about him. Even PETER is around.

Yes, Stiles, you do have a very perceptive eye for evil. It’s fucking wonderful.

.....when did Stiles get danny’s number? ARE THEY BROS? I see a previous text bubble from Danny above Stiles’ first message which means THEY”VE TEXTED BEFORE THIS. I”M CLAIMING IT.

Is anyone else like..super depressed that Ethan is showing more of a pack bond with Ennis than like...anybody else has with Derek besides his actual family? Like, yeah, Stiles has worried about him plenty and Boyd’s clearly fucking pissed off, but the actual fear in his eyes, that quiet worry, that’s so much more pack-like than anything else we’ve seen?

I am SO confused about why they can’t fucking hear this shit. Why can’t ethan hear them talking about it? Why didn’t Scott hear Ethan telling Danny? Just PRETEND for a MINUTE that these are fucking werewolves.

THey’re going after the others ANYWAY Morrell! Helping save Ennis isn’t going to change that. They’re gonna kill Scott ANYWAY.

Also, why can’t Morrell just open the gate herself?

why is Jared so nauseous? They’re at a standstill? I thought the point of car-sickness was the movement??

God, that moment with Lydia on the phone? I love it. I love it so much. Just the chill “Heyyy Stiles.” “...okay.” So good.

“Do I have a PhD in Lycanthropy?” I’m CACKLING. Fucking snorting like a pig, why is this so funny to me? God, Dylan your delivery is so perfect.

I can feel Stiles having a fucking aneurysm while Coach whistles at him. I can feeeeeell it.

“hey Jared. How ya doin?”

Dude..that is not...that’s not what happens when you don’t heal out of guilt. That’s just not. We see IN THE NEXT EPISODE that that’s not what happens. Their blood doesn’t turn BLACK. That’s a POISON thing. GUYS COME ON.

....i’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel bad for ennis but I like REALLY don’t feel bad for him.

Allison honey, this’d be easier if you laid him down on the floor.

JEsus CHRIst. HOw fucking toxic was her relationship with her mother than Allison hallucinates getting SCREamed at? Also, Allison seriously needs a doctor bc these hallucinations started way before the nemeton. This is so unhealthy.

Putting aside my fury at Isaac going to Scott after what happened with Derek, I hate this whole “you’re not going alone” thing. Like...what the fuck is this supposed to be? If Isaac knows what happened, then he wouldn’t insist on going for Scott’s sake. he’d be doing it for BOYD. HiS PACK. He’d be doing it for ERICA.

I love how chill they let Lydia be. “Ah, screw it.” God, it’s so nice for her not to have to be the hyper-feminine “better than all of you” character anymore. She’s allowed to have some depth.

duke you’re not...you’re not fucking blind. Also, how exactly did Kali GET up there?? and WHY DIDN”T ANYONE NOTICE? Scott’s just fucking useless at this point, but ISAAC? PETER? DEREK? BOYD? CORA? COME ON.

WHY ARE THEY SHIRTLESS? WHY NO SHIRTS?

God, what the fuck is wrong with these people? WHy do they insist on making ethan and aiden masochists? It’s literally disgusting, having them fucking laugh every time they get the shit beat out of them.

NOpe. NOPE. NO. Scott does not get to do the Alpha thing. NO. I SAID NO.

I love Cora’s normalcy like yeah, she’s all wolfy, but she’s also so well-adjusted? KNocking on the door. It’s so fucking nice.

“Out cold,” Deaton says, and then Ennis immediately opens his eyes. Love it. Some vet you are. Deaton, what the fuck happened to “difficult for someone like Scott to cause me any trouble” “Not in here you won’t”?? Why is Duke suddenly able to kill his own packmate in your fucking office? And why can Duke leave with blood on his hands and no one realizes he’s the one who killed Ennis? Why didn’t Kali HEAR that??? Why Didn’t Aiden and Kali notice Peter and Cora hiding behind a CAR?

ALSO peter’s holding cora’s HAND. I LOVE FAMILY. (i’m complicated, okay?)

Yes, Allison THANK YOU. That’s the kind of shit I LIke “Sounds like saving your own ass” YES.

BUT. HOw the fuck does ALlison know where to go????

....Allison, the first three flashbombs helped. After that it’s just a light show. YOu could literally have killed the ALphas RIGHT THERE with an Arrow EACh to the heart. WHy were you aiming at the floor??

nobody questioned ALlison and lydia getting on the bus? Finstock? No? OKay, sure, fine.

I like Stiles getting to actually talk to someone about the Darach, since scott refuses. Lydia’s got his back.

for once, it’s true. That wouldn’t have been Scott’s fault. Slicing up the back of Ennis’ leg doesn’t make it his fault that Derek fell.

Shaky cameras are so gross.

NO. NO NO NO. NO. Fuck you.

Last Thoughts: This episode was just...bad. Like, it was just this constant contradiction of (Still flimsy) baseline abilities and behaviors set up for the characters. It’s even more Scott centric than all the other episodes and it’s SUPPOSED to be about DEREK DYING. How do you have an entire episode about Derek’s death without actually giving him any real scenes?? God, it’s so frustrating to get more satisfaction out of a three second scene with Peter and Cora than it is with any scenes with Scott in them.

Also, sorry I took so long to put this one out. This is slow going my dudes, it’s hard to get up the mental fortitude to watch these, make notes, and also make real notes about what I’m changing/adjusting in my rewrite. Oofta.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: The Rogues Gallery of the Powerpuff Girls

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

There are few rogues galleries I hold in higher esteem than that of the Powerpuff Girls. Aside from Spider-Man, Batman, and Danny Phantom, there are few heroes who can claim to have a more colorful and creative set of foes than the crimefighting superheroines of the city of Townsville. Previously I’ve talked about their archenemy, the wonderfully devilish Mojo Jojo, but they have a lot of other great villains worth talking about… so, why not just talk about all of them at once?

This one’s gonna be a little different, and will be divided into two sections: MAJOR ANTAGONISTS and MINOR ANTAGONISTS. Major antagonists will be villains that the girls fought most frequently, while minor antagonists will be notable one shot villains and lesser foes.

MAJOR ANTAGONISTS

These are the foes that the girls face most frequently in the series, and the ones that will likely come to mind when you think of the show’s rogues gallery. Aside from Mojo Jojo, and according to TVTropes, the major antagonists from the series are Him, Fuzzy Lumpkins, the Gangreen Gang, Princess Morbucks, the Amoeba Boys, Sedusa, and the Rowdyruff Boys.

Motivation/Goals: The major antagonists all tend to vary in what exactly they want to do, but they all have one thing in common: their motivations are broad enough that they can fit into a wide variety of plots. Him is the best example, because his goal tends to be a vague mix of “take over the city/world” and “be an absolute dick,” which leads to all sorts of battles such as the bad future where he rules the Earth or the episode where he sends the girls out on a series of ridiculous riddles as part of a bet with Professor Utonium to see if he has to pay his full tab at Him’s pancake restaurant. Considering Him is supposed to be a stand in for Satan himself and is the ultimate evil of the show (even if his power level doesn’t always reflect that), it makes sense he’d constantly be doing crazy, tricky schemes like this.

Of course, not all of these villains are massive threats like Him; others are simply nuisances, like the Gangreen Gang, who just love going out and committing crimes for the fun of it in between their leader Ace moonlighting as a member of the Gorillaz. While they are still dangerous, they tend to be motivated to do things just because they find it amusing, like when they snuck into the mayor’s office and crank called the girls into repeatedly harassing the other villains. Then there’s Princess, who is basically just a snotty superpowered bully who decided to turn to a life of crime because the girls wouldn’t let her become a Powerpuff Girl. She’s motivated entirely out of jealousy and spite, but she never really rises to the level of a truly world-threatening threat, though she did almost screw up Christmas one time to the point Santa decided to slap her on the permanent Naughty List. The final major antagonist who falls into this category is Sedusa, who true to her name, seduces men. That’s… about it. She also has prehensile hair.

The Rowdyruff Boys are kind of a mix of being super serious dangers and just being jerks, as they were created by Mojo to be the opposite of the girls and so have all of their powers but none of their good qualities aside from maybe their love for each other (which they rarely show, but it’s there). They’re mostly just jerks and love to cause chaos, but sicne they have all the same sort of abilities as Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup, they’re a lot more dangerous than the typical foe would be, and that’s not even counting the fact that their two “dads” are Him and Mojo, which means they have the cream of the crop when it comes to bad role models.

The last type of major villain is perhaps the funniest, because these are the villains who are just so bad at being evil that it’s comical. Fuzzy is a lighter example, as he’s not exactly bad at being evil; he’s just more not evil to begin with unless provoked or manipulated by other villains. He’s entirely content to just sit about at his shack, strumming his banjo, but if you piss him off he’s gonna grab his gun or a big old rock and cause some mayhem. The crown emperors of being failure villains, however, are the Amoeba Boys. These guys are the most utterly inept dumbasses you will ever see, a group so utterly bad at being bad that no one in the show is able to take them seriously. Since they are amoebas, albeit rather large ones, they don’t have the mental capacity to do much more than the most petty of crimes such as – GASP! - standing on grass when there’s a sign that says not to! Or even… LITTERING! Those fiends!

Performance: Tom Kane portrays Him, and alternately is able to make him hilarious and terrifying. It’s pretty amusing to think that the guy who played Professor Utonium and Mr. Herriman is capable of playing such a messed-up villain (ok, maybe not so much for the latter, Mr. Herriman was wack).

Fuzzy is portrayed by everyone’s favorite Trump supporting Pooh bear, Jim Cummings, and that good ol’ ragin’ Cajun accent he’d use in The Princess and the Frog and Zombie Island fits this southern hick quite well.

Ace, Big Billy, and Grubber of the Gangreen Gang are voiced by series MVP Jeff Bennet, who manages to make all three characters very distinct and unqiue in their voices, capturing the lovable oafishness of Billy and the smug leadership of Ace very well, and obviously whatever it is Grubber is doing. Lil’ Arturo and Snake are Tom Kenny, though the former was in his first appearance voiced by Carlos Alazraqui, which means twice now Tom Kenny has usurped Alazraqui in a voice role (the other time being the title character of the Spyro the Dragon franchise). Tom Kenny, being Tom Kenny, does a great job.

Princess and Sedusa are both voiced by Jennifer Hale, but I’m gonna be honest, neither of them are my favorite roles. Princess just has a really shrill and unpleasant voice - which is the point, mind you, I just don’t love it. Meanwhile, Sedusa is just forgettable.

The Amoeba Boys are Chuck McCann, and he gives all of them the exact sort of goofy, cartoonish Chicago gangster accent you could hope for, though each boy has a distinct voice. The other boy group, the Rowdyruffs, are voiced by Rob Paulsen for Brick and Boomer (the man behind the legend that is Carl Wheezer) and Butch is Roger L. Jackson (Mojo Jojo himself). As can be expected, the RRBs have very distinct voices, though I can’t say they’re quite as memorable as the characters they’re directly copying. 

Best Episode: So yeah, this time instead of individuals scenes, I’m highlighting the very best episodes of the various foes of the Girls. First, let’s get the obvious one out of the way: if we’re talking altogether for Him, Fuzzy, and Princess, their appearance alongside Mojo in “Meet the Beat Alls” is just utterly hilarious, ESPECIALLY Fuzzy’s rock, their breakup bickering, and just how they decide to come together and cause chaos. As far as villain teamups go, you can’t get better than one that is nothing but a constant string of Beatles references (though they lose some points for not drawing attention to the fact that Him is based on the Blue Meanie from Yellow Submarine).

Individually, for Him, it really depends on what you’re looking for, since he’s a very versatile villain. If you want him at his best and most serious, “Speed Demon” is the way to go, as it shows a bad future where he has completely won, which goes a long way towards establishing him as the single most dangerous enemy of the girls. But if you want funny Him, well, “Him Diddle Riddle” is an absolute riot which leads to one of the most shockingly ridiculous punchlines in the show. It’s a real treat.

For Fuzzy, I’d say his main series debut “Fuzzy Logic” is a great solo showing, firmly establishing the character and how he has changed from the initial pilot. Fuzzy is an amusing character to be sure, but I feel his best showings are in ensemble pieces, which is why I say his debut is his best work.

For the Gangreen Gang, the obvious answer is, of course, “Telephonies,” because this is them at their most hilariously petty. They just sneak into the mayor’s office and crank call the other villains, and in the end, the day is saved! ...By Mojo, Fuzzy, and Him. Even the narrator is baffled at this one, but you’ll probably be laughing too hard to care about that.

Princess gets one of the best Christmas specials ever with “’Twas the Fight Before Christmas,” where she scams Santa into giving her superpowers while every other kid in the world gets coal. Of course, the Girls don’t take this lying down, and Princess gets the most awesome comeuppance ever, courtesy of Santa: she gets her name carved into the Permanent Naughty Plaque which has such notable figures as Adolph Shicklgruber, who you may know better as fucking Hitler. That’s right, Santa came right out and said Princess Morbucks is as naughty as Hitler is.

The Amoeba Boys have their main series debut, “Geshundfight,” which does a firm job of establishing these guys as such utterly incompetent morons that you can’t help but love them. It also establishes that these guys could only ever be a threat by complete accident. It’s good to see the boys got better after the girls threw them into the sun in the “Whoopass Stew” pilot!

Sedusa has “Something’s a Ms.” While Sedusa herself tends to be a rather dull antagonist, this episode rules and is her best appearance for one reason and one reason alone: we get to see Ms. Bellum kick ass. Hell yeah!

“Custody Battle” is the best appearance of the Boys because, let��s face it, having Mojo and Him argue over who has the right to be called their dad (Mojo Created them, Him resurrected them) is absolutely hilarious, and a great use of the characters.

Final Thoughts & Score: Alright, let’s go one by one here:

Him

Him is easily the best of the bunch and, aside from Mojo, is the definitive Powerpuff villain. I think part of it is, much like Mojo, Him is capable of being a hilarious jerk or a genuinely intimidating threat in equal measure. You get showings where all he does is try and make the Professor pay a full tab on his breakfast or give everyone tooth decay or even just hang out in his house and do some aerobics, and then you have episodes where he decimates the earth in the future or torments the girls in their dreams. He kind of really fits a lot of the old folkloric tales of the devil, where he could be anything from a prankster to outright malicious, for all it’s worth, and being based on the Blue Meanie certainly doesn’t hurt either. He’s just a very fun character who fits into so many different situations, and so he easily gets a 10/10.

Fuzzy Lumpkins

Fuzzy is an odd one, because as I mentioned earlier, he’s not really a true villain in the sense that he goes out and commits crimes for the sake of it like the others. He’s more of a chaotic neutral force than anything, who goes on angry rampages or gets swayed over to the dark side whenever the mood suits him. It’s kind of interesting how he was a smarter and calmer character in the pilot, where he invented a gun that could turn things into meat… but in the show proper, he’s just a dumb, irritable hick. While he’s certainly not the best member of the rogues gallery, there’s something charming about Fuzzy, and I definitely love his design and voice; I think he gets a 7/10.

The Gangreen Gang

These guys are some of the more enjoyable antagonists in the rogues gallery despite typically not being a huge threat. I think, really, that’s what makes them so fun; they’re a lot more low-key and just in general more prone to just being dicks than doing anything on the level of Him or Mojo. They’re the fun kind of villains where you don’t ever really need to take them seriously, to the point you can fully accept their leader Ace joining the Gorillaz, which is a thing that actually happened in real life and it’s amazing. I think that alone is enough to edge these guys into a 9/10.

Princess Morbucks

So out of all the major antagonists, I think Princess is probably my least favorite, mostly because she’s just a snotty, entitled, rich little brat. That being said, I’m not overly opposed to her, nor do I hate her; I really can’t hate a character that Santa Claus deemed is the moral equivalent of Hitler. I can’t stress enough how much I love Santa came right out and said “Rich lives don’t matter” and just slapped this little girl with the most grievous punishment you could give. Overall, Princess functions as a casual reminder rich people suck, and I’m okay with that, even if she’s not particularly high on my favorites. 7/10 is a solid score for her, I feel.

The Amoeba Boys

Idiot villains wish they could be these guys. Literally, as far as idiotic harmless villains go, these lads are the absolute cream of the crop. The fact these are giant amoebas wearing fedoras and talking like stereotypical gangsters and yet are so incompetent they don’t even know how voodoo dolls work and think that littering and standing on grass is the greatest crime of all is just… amazing. These guys are perfect. And yet they are so incompetent and harmless that it’s almost unfair to call them villains, despite how desperately they want to be villains. The fact everyone in the show treats them as a mild annoyance at best really goes a long way to making these guys endearing. They’re certainly not the best foes in the rogues gallery, but I think an 8/10 is a good score for these single-celled suckers.

Sedusa

I’m frankly not sure why she’s considered a “main antagonist” on TVTropes; when I think of PPG villains, she really doesn’t come to mind. Frankly, if she is a “main” antagonist, she’s one of the most boring and forgettable ones there is. Sure, she has a couple of decent episodes, and of course the one where Ms. Bellum gets her time to shine is a classic, but overall Sedusa is just a mediocre villain who doesn’t do enough to stand out among the crowd. I’d say she’s a 4/10. I think if they had gone with the concept from her third appearance where she had all those cool Egyptian powers from the start she would have been a far more engaging and fun antagonist. But hey, she gave Ms. Bellum her time to shine, so I can’t really say she’s all too abysmal.

The Rowdyruff Boys

So… these guys. I’m not particularly sure what to really say about these guys. They’re some of the most popular antagonists the PPG have, and they have great interactions with Him and Mojo. But they’ve never quite struck me as being as amazing as others have hyped them up to be. Maybe I just don’t quite vibe with their concept. All that being said, though, they’re not bad antagonists in the slightest, I just kind of find them uninspired as a concept. It won’t keep me from giving them an 8/10, so don’t worry about that, I just don’t find the idea of evil versions of the PPG to be particularly interesting.

And now we go on to the lesser rogues, the one-shot or minor antagonists! They don’t have the major presence the villains above do, but remember, you don’t have to be a major reoccurring villain just to make an impact; sometimes you just gotta be good at what you do.

Also, this is by no means an exhaustive list; I’ve left off some minor antagonists and probably forgot some, and then there’s some that just don’t have enough info to talk about. Like, I would love to tell you all the wonders of Salami Swami, but there’s just not enough… oh well… let’s talk about these guys. And they aren’t going to have a best episode listed, because… well, they’re minor one-shot characters. By default their best appearance is their only appearance.

Motivation/Goals: Unlike with the major villains, there’s a lot more variety in the one-shot characters, with their goals ranging from simple robbery to revenge to chaos for the sake of it. And yes, sure, their major villains do that stuff too, but they tend to have a solid theme, whereas these folk tend to have one gimmick that they run with for a whole episode before vanishing, never to be seen again. For instance, Femme Fatale is a raging radical feminist; Abracadaver is a lich who seeks revenge for his violent, untimely death; the Gnome is a cult leader who commits mass genocide of other villains so that he can create a utopian society; and Mr. Mime is a mime.

What I think separates them from the major foes is that they have a singular gimmick and they need to really excel at it, because if they screw it up, they’re gonna go down in infamy. Femme Fatale is not a villain who is recalled fondly, for instance, because her gimmick was horribly botched. Meanwhile, characters like the Boogie Man or the Gnome are looked at more fondly because of their silly and cool gimmicks that make them stand out (being a disco-themed monster under the bed and being a gnome with a beautiful singing voice that sounds like a certain lead singer of Tenacious D, respectively).

Performance: Let’s go one by one on these:

The Gnome is voiced by none other than Jess Harnell, who you may know as Wakko Warner or the current (as of 2020) voice of numerous Crash Bandicoot characters, including everyone’s favorite Wumpa-loving title character. They couldn’t afford the real Jack Black, but I think that Harnell does a very impressive vocal imitation of JB, to the point where you’d be forgiven for assuming that it was JB in the first place. The fantastic singing voice is no shock if you’ve ever watched Animaniacs, but boy is it good to hear.

Jeff Bennet may be the MVP of the lesser rogues, as he voices Major Man, Dick Hardly, and Harold Smith. This is quite a variety of characters each with different personalities and goals, so it’s pretty great he was able to give them all the exact sort of vocal characterization they needed to be distinct. On the subject of the Smiths, though,

Femme Fatale is Grey DeLisle doing a very generic voice. Like, it sounds like a less cheerful Daphne or a less evil Azula. I think she may have just been talking in her normal voice for this one? It just doesn’t really have anything to it to make it stand out among her more notable roles.

Boogie Man is voice acting god Kevin Michael Richardson, who has voiced numerous characters I really should do a Psycho Analysis on such as Chairman Drek and Gantu. There’s really nothing else to say here, really; Richardson gives exactly the sort of glorious performance you’d expect for a funky blaxploitation pastiche boogeyman. Talk about black excellence!

Lenny is Tom Kenny. Tom Kenny really does a good job with weird geeks like this, and so what else can I say but he did a good job with this creepy neckbeard. Abracadaver is played by legendary voice actor Frank Welker, who is in literally everything, but who you mostly know as Fred from Scooby-Doo. Much like with Kenny, he kills it in the role.

Finally, our last speaking villain is Roach Coach, and he’s most notable because he is voiced by Roger L. Jackson, who would graduate from this starter one-shot to become none other than Mojo Jojo. I don’t find Roach Coach quite as memorable a performance, but Jackson certainly doesn’t half-ass it.

Final Thoughts & Score:

The Gnome

I think the Gnome is one of the single most fascinating one-shot villains in the series, and not just because “See Me, Feel Me, Gnomey” is a gloriously cheesy rock opera where he gets to be the villain. His philosophies are incredibly intriguing and are sort of the focus of the episode, and his effectiveness is frankly unmatched as a villain; he succeeds in killing every villain in the series for a time. And while he is a bit hypocritical in that he too wanted to rule over Townsville and transforms it into a cult, he does ultimately realize that he was in the wrong and not only graciously accepts his defeat, but allows himself to die to return the world to its natural order, stating:

“"As I descend to the earth and I view the universe above me, I realize that life evolves, revolves, and dissolves completely around the opposites. Therefore, I conclude that I cannot exist in my...utopian...mind."

That’s a low 9/10 if I ever saw one. They didn’t need to go and make this Jack Black gnome in a rock opera such a fascinating character, but there we have it.

Dick Hardly

Dick Hardly is one of the most “love to hate” characters in the show’s entire run, and it’s not hard to see why; he is the lowest of the low, the scummiest scum there ever was. Look at this excerpt from the PPG Wiki, which was a godsend when writing all this up:

“Despite appearing only once in the 1998 series and never in the various spin-offs or the 2016 series, Dick Hardly is among the franchise's most memorable villans [sic]. This is because he's the only member of the PPG Rogues Gallery who has absolutely no redeeming or comedic qualities. Most villains have lines they will never cross. However, Dick is ruthless enough to kill anyone in order to achieve his goals, even his own ex-friends. In fact, he actually manages to make HIM (who is nastier than Mojo Jojo) look like a saint in comparison.”

He’s a slimy, ruthless, unrepentant bastard, and the fact he’s one of the few villains to bite the big one just helps him stand out even more. Throw in his incredibly cool monstrous transformation, and despite his single episode it’s not hard to give this Dick a 9/10.

Femme Fatale

So not to be lazy, but I did kind of do a Psycho Analysis on Femme Fatale back when I did an Episodyssey on her sole appearance. And yeah, I stand by what I gave her there; she’s a 2/10. She’s just a really preachy, obnoxious, and poorly executed moralizing villain. I’m also gonna go out on a limb here and say that she probably hates trans people. I suppose that’s just a headcanon but… come on. Look at her. If this show was TV-14 and came out today, she’d be even less subtle in her contempt for trans people than every episode of South Park that featured Mrs. Garrison. Enough headcanons though; she doesn’t get the lowest marks possible because, quite simply, she has a pretty nice design and her voice acting is good enough since it is Jennifer Hale.

Mr. Mime

Oops, wrong picture.

There we go! Anyway, Mr. Mime is a really cool character with a frustrating resolution. Through no fault of his own, Rainbow the clown accidentally gets hit by a bleach truck and loses his color, becoming the evil Mr. Mime, gaining the ability to sap the color and sound from the world with a touch. He’s actually a seriously awesome concept, and the episode itself is good… and then comes the ending where, despite turning back to normal, Rainbow gets the crap kicked out of him and sent to jail, which is strangely cruel for the Girls to do. Apparently they later made amends, because Rainbow shows up at their birthday, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A 7/10 is a good score for this guy.

Boogie Man

The Boogie Man is arguably the greatest villain in anything ever. He is entirely built around one of the most groan-worthy puns imaginable and plays that pun up for all its worth, being a monster under the bed who utilizes a disco theme to the point he blocks out the sun with a gigantic disco ball. The dude has funky style and if that’s not enough, he’s voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson, who gives him the exact sort of voice he needs. The dude is just like something out of the craziest blaxploitation film ever, and he certainly brings the funk to the point where even though he only got one appearance in the series, I wouldn’t hate to bump this guy to an 8/10. What else is there to say but “Blame it on the boogie!”

The Smiths

These guys are just a very funny concept. I kind of like villains who do stuff for the pettiest, mundane reasons, and these guys take it all to the logical extreme. The patriarch of the family decides to dress up in a tacky supervillain outfit to get “revenge” on Professor Utonium because… he envies his perfect life. The rest of his family turn to villainy to avenge him, and are just as pathetic and ineffectual as he is. It’s so funny in a sad kind of way. I think a 6/10 is what they deserve, because while they aren’t particularly effective or groundbreaking, they’re at least good for a chuckle or two. Ultimately though they are a less impressive version of the Nelsons from Minions.

Major Man

Major Man is very interesting because he is very clearly an homage to Johnny Bravo; they’ve got the same hair, the same muscular body type (though Major Man is certainly beefier), the same voice actor! And yet, they couldn’t be any more different. Johnny, as much of a dense womanizer as he is, does have a hidden heart of gold beneath it all and usually means well; meanwhile, Major Man is a self-serving jerk who wants to play superhero. You know, he kind of reminds me of Homelander from The Boys in some ways. Anyway, I think a 6/10 is fair enough for him; he’d get higher if he wasn’t such an interesting concept for a major villain relegated only to a one-shot appearance. He’d have been a better entry in the rogues gallery than freaking Sedusa, for instance.

Abracadaver

So I wanna know how exactly this one got by the censors. This guy is unrelentingly dark, from his origin (he died onstage in front of a crowd which included children) to his absolutely ghastly appearance in which it is very much clear he is decaying and rotten. I honestly kind of love him, despite the fact he only ever appeared once, mostly because I can totally understand why they never used him again. This dude might actually be too scary. I’m giving him a solid 8/10, because I just love how unrelentingly dark he is. It’s definitely a low 8 since he never appeared after his initial appearance (for good reason!), but damn if he isn’t effective and memorable.

Lenny Baxter

Lenny is actually kind of impressive. On the surface, he’s just a gross, exaggerated take on Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons and loony dudebro manchild fans, which is all well and good, he’s pretty effective at being a “take that” and has stood the test of time pretty well/. But, I think what truly makes him memorable is the fact that he actually did manage to capture the Girls and would have won if not for the meddling townsfolk. Then of course there’s the Professor’s wonderfully tranquil takedown of Lenny’s ideology:

"Let me tell you something, Lenny. You may have all of the toys, all of the merchandise, all of the so-called “collector’s value.” But one thing you don’t have, Lenny, is true fandom. For a true fan wouldn't want to selfishly keep the girls to himself. A true fan would want them to be free."

I think that for a disposable one-shot villain, Lenny is surprisingly relevant even today. I think he deserves a 7/10, though obviously he’s not a very high one because ultimately he is just still a normal (albeit very greasy) guy.

Roach Coach

Look, not all villains are created equal. This guy? He’s not too impressive. Sure, he predicted the ending to Team America, and sure, he made a Papa Roach reference, but frankly I don’t think that’s enough to really elevate him into being an impressive one-shot villain. I’d say he’s a 4/10. He’s not lower because he is the starter villain, and his voice actor would go on to bring us the much better and more memorable Mojo Jojo. We all have to start somewhere, right?

The Robbing Leech

This guy is probably one of the freakiest one-shot villains in the series. Unlike Abracadaver, there’s literally nothing explained about this guy. There’s no origin, no explanation, he doesn’t even talk, and hell, the guy might not even be human at all! We the audience are never clued in, and the guy is never seen again, so we’re only left to ponder what exactly this guy is up to. I don’t think he’s quite as disturbing as Abracadaver, but he’s certainly got something going for him in terms of mystery; a 5/10 is fair enough. It would have been neat if they explained something, but I guess he’ll just have to be one of those riddles for the ages. We will never truly know how and why this man was capable of giving people the succ.

And just when you thought it would end...

Salami Swami

Ok, did you honestly think I was going to miss the opportunity to talk about this guy? His name is SALAMI SWAMI. And look at him! He controls MEAT! He only ever appeared once in the episode “Slave the Day,” where his mighty meat powers are no match for the appetites of the reformed Big Billy (formerly of the Gangreen Gang). But like… LOOK AT HIM. The idea and concept and literally everything about him is just so patently absurd and creative that I’m legitimately angry I didn’t come up with it first. He never spoke a single word, but he still managed to find a way into my heart and mind. Can I legitimately rate this guy who had a single joke appearance in the show? Damn right I can! 6/10, baby! If he appeared more or defined his personality a bit better I’d rank him higher but, come on. SALAMI SWAMI. Sometimes all you need to be great is a really incredible, stupid gimmick. And Salami Swami has that in droves; hopefully we can meat him again someday, and he can reignite his beef with the girls while remaining inextricably linked with sausage. 

Ok, I’m done. Goodnight everybody!

[kiingbiing]

bro Please show us ur ocs what

gladly

just know that names will change bevause i have too many characters woops (im a bad character maker lol)

i made them children who murder but now i dont know what to do with them, soon i will make a story for them

king and jester raise a baby and fall inlove :]

theyre originally humans but with a potion gone wrong, they end up as animals and now they have to work together to turn themselves back, also the snake works with the law and the mouse is a crook

dnd character, but i never got to play him cause i never played dnd, lol, one day, i will

ethan works at a cafe and got turned into a vampire, carter is a monster hunter and wendy is his assisstant. carter has the hots for ethan and ethan doesnt want to acknolwedge his existence. maggie and callie is ethan’s friend, barry LIKES wendy

the triplets were inspired by moosop ngl, but i do remember making triplets in 5th grade lol

inspired by tarzan, but i changed the story cause i made these characters when i was younger and i cant abandon them. meriam raised talia (i changed her name) when she decided to leave london and live in the jungle. talia barely speaks because her speech isnt good. mark comes to visit his mother and to try and see if the island can be used for good money, mark and talia hate each other for this fact.

made this in 4th grade cause my first lesbian ship was bubbaline and i was like, i dont have enough lesbian ships, gotta make my own then,

no name for them but its set in the philippines, inspired by our monsters :]

a fellow monster has to be in love with their food

fairly odd parents oc, josh and penny got adopted by this rich couple, and everything was fine till they figured out that they only got adopted because the parents would get more money from their parents if the wanted kids, this warrented a god parent and francis is here. francis HATES children and is onyl doing this because its good money. penny is too energetic, josh is the quiet kid and francis hates kids, but he can handle one, hes not gonna be able to handle 2

theres 2 stories for this, bt judas and merith were in an arranged marriage and percy became merith’s crying buddy when judas is mean, they can be in a threesome, still dont know. still have to upadte this story

dominic goes savage during the full moon and his sister is the only one who knows this secret. the two rodents have a thing for dominic

these were just random ocs with no actual plot line, dino and cloudy are buddies and they go everywhere together

the colony of ants have a thing for the ant eater, not the tables have turned lol

dad is forced to raise a baby and he cant cause hes sad depressed, and he just doesnt know what to do but he can abandon her. jerry is like, buddy, BUDDY, if u let me crash, i can help out, hes helpful, 

used to be an adventure time oc but i scrapped it, 

princess aya runs away from the royal family to find her missing sister cause she doesnt want to be queen 

she meets with red, a thief who dabbles with magic, which is illegal, 

due to unfortunate events, red helps aya find her sister

animal crossing ocs. kenny and lola are dating :]

one and two are childhood friends? one was mean and two got depressed, but now one is trying to make up for it

kylan is failing his class, so richard has to tutor him to make sure hes on the right track, kylan just doesnt want to do anything with him, and when he realises that richard has a hard time making friends, he makes it his task to help him make a friend, in return, richard has to leave him alone

just two teenagers coming to terms about their feelings for each other.

braden never gave romance a thought until he reached middle school. he started to crush on george hard and he doesnt know how to handle this and he tries to deny it.

george is straight and is just vibing, and he thought things were fine until braden confessed his feelings.

braden is demisexual (im demi, hes very special to me)

this ones old, (also i made another oc thats named carter WOOPS)

no name (teddy) got kicked out from home when his mom figured out hes gay, and carter is a rich art student that needs a model and he ask teddy to become his model. carter pays teddy a good sum of money, (i need to work on this story woops)’

melissa is a rich blind girl and shes not allowed to party and go outside if she doesnt hire a body guard (thanks dad), she hired danny, an ex underground boxer to help her around the city. 

in this world, magic welders are getting killed because only officials are allowed to use magic. momma summons demote, a demon, with a deal that he keeps her daughter safe. demote and harper hate each other and they have to tolerate each other in order to get away from the hunters. dewey is a forest entity that latched onto harper

my little pony oc 

madison loves flowers, she tends flowers and honestly? flowers only.

valentine is a match maker and she stumbles upon madison, and her match making skills dont work on madison, just ponies being ponies :]

characters made with my friends but i lost contact with them and one day, ill work on their stories

david is in his first public school and he meets molly and he doesnt vibe with her cause she doesnt talk to him and it didnt settle with him right, so he bullies her, and when he figures out that shes deaf and maliciously bullied her, hes just, not happy and tries to make it up to her, and shes not having it

life and death, my friend wanted me to make a comic bout life and death,

just ur standard life and death ship

used to be an adventure time oc but i changed it

andrew grew up in a religious household with strict parents, making him study. hes not allowed to be with friends

margee is raised by her uncle because her dad died in a car accident,

dally has a strained relationship with his dad, his dad being an alcoholic and not taking care of his health

they were all childhood friends and then they got seperated, when they got older, they all saw each other and got together for support

(ok imm a fool and i try to make a webcomic but i keep not not finishing it so, woops)

bunny ocs when i was younger, i need to work on their stories, sorry, no other info except they want to beat each other lol

cupid accidentally shots an arrown at ching and now they fell inlove with mar, and mar just wants to vibe and be ignored but with ching contantly trying to woo mar, cupid thinks thats enough and tried to help mar because that wasnt suppposed to happen lol

girl realises that the monsters under her bed and in her closet are real and tries to get her mother to help her.

her mother abuses her and the girl is just scared and she doesnt know what to do

(im getting lazy)

baintly wants to be a good wizard but she sucks at everything

butters(the broom) is accidentally made when she tried to summon her animal

she was about to get kicked out of school but out of sepretation, she promised her school that she’ll go get a gem from a feared dragon in order to prove her place in the school

she got lonely and got a pet bunny and fox

terry accidentally summoned perry and she doesnt know how to handle a demon in her room, ralph is terry’s friend

set in space and theyre all animals

the top are a bunch of criminals and the bottoms arer in the police forces

and they both have to work toegether to get rid of a dangerious villian set to destroy the galaxy

ok so i lost their names but basically, big demon goes to the human world and befriends a child. other demon is the right hand and he follows his master and hes just a ball anxiety. the older sister is a monster hunter and she tries to kill the big demon living in her house

[dappercritter]

You have been granted the oppurtunity to recast your favorite animated movie! The only catch is that each of the characters in said movie are animated characters from different shows/movies (X from show/movie is Bob, X from show/movie is Larry, ect.)

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boi. You have no idea what you’ve just unleashed, my friend!

Once long ago, before the Cringe Ages, I loved recasting my favourite and sometimes least favourite movies with characters from my favourite shows. But then I started taking storytelling more seriously and sentimentally and… art-y, and I started acting as if I was above the stuff somehow. To this day, I still don’t know whether to blame the masses or my own hubris.

But now! Now, the floodgates of my childish, innocent mind are open once more! And I have just the idea: The Nightmare Before Christmas but with Villainous and Batman* characters! (With a few CN villains on the side.) So, I guess you could call it…

The Villainous Nightmare Before Batman! 

(No, wait. Uhhhhh…)

The Dark Knight Before Villainous!

Ok, yeah, that should do.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Dapper Critter, what are you doing this? Sure, Batman meets Villainous could work, but why are you bringing The Nightmare Before Christmas into this? It’s not even Halloween or Christmas! What are you thinking?!” Well, first of all, Christmas and Halloween aren’t just holidays, they’re states-of-mind. Second, I think it’s time you guys learned something important: I’m a big ol’ lowkey goth baby, baby! If it’s spooky or gothic, I’ll soak it up like a sponge in sink full of soapy water. And nothing says gothic like the hero of a city literally called “Gotham,” a show with a grotesque monster hiding behind the guise of a well-dressed man, and the classic story of Jack Skellington himself! What’s more, all three of these hold a special place in my heart, as they all played a huge part in helping me develop and realize my interest in gothic culture. Lastly, I can see the worlds of these three stories coming together quite easily. Behold, this plot pitch I just made!

“Another Halloween has come and gone in CN City, and another cheerful Christmas is on its way. Black Hat, unofficial master of all that is dark and evil, is thoroughly disgusted that the multiverse will soon be returning to it’s obnoxiously cheerful and wholesome state. He morosely tears a hole through time and space to talk a walk through reality, miserable that he’s stuck living in such a wonderful place. That is until he stumbles upon the city of Gotham, where no matter what time of year it is, the streets are filled with misery and malicious mayhem. Delighted, he sets out to celebrate Christmas his own way: by taking a certain caped-crusader out of the picture and making Gotham his very own holiday vacation home! Little does he know, there’s one special girl who thinks he can celebrate right where he is, as well as a certain clown who’s got his own sinister Christmas party in mind…”

So now that I’ve convinced you, I think it’s time we got down to the actual recasting! Let’s begin, my darling children of the Hot Topic night…

Black Hat as Jack Skellington: This couldn’t have been easier—they’re both creepy gentlemen with excellent taste in fashion. Yes, I know Black Hat is a lot less nice than our dear Pumpkin King, but let’s just say this story takes the odd liberty here and there. Not to mention, Black Hat could easily match Jack’s enthusiasm, intelligence, style, and obsessive inquisitions. Plus, he could totally pull off an evil Santa suit. (Though to be honest, I’m not sure if his snarling, slimy, cockney-accented voice could match Danny Elfman’s melodious singing.)

Demencia as Sally: A devoted, mildly ghoulish, and totally cute fangirl who’s always pining after their darling idol, and who may or may not have been made in a lab? It’s like this fancast is writing itself! Demencia might be a bit more proactive—and scary—in the plot, but I can see her a lot Sally’s dilemma in her as she tries to get Black Hat to notice her and not to abandon them in pursuit of a crazy dream. (Well, that I’m filthy Lizardhat trash.)

Dr. Flug as Dr. Finklestein: Flug, being the only mad scientist who’s employed by Black Hat, as well as the only to survive this, seems like a good pick. Sure, he’s not in a wheelchair and, no, he’s not as creepy as the bugger, but he could still work as our horrid hero’s right-hand man. Plus, since a big part of his canon character is putting up with Demencia’s BS (tell my family that means “baloney-sandwich”), he’d also do great as the one trying to keep the free-spirited love interest under control. Only here, it would be because he’s trying to keep Dem out of trouble so she doesn’t make his boss mad and try to kill him, as opposed to… whatever Finklestein’s problem is. And of course, he can still be menacing if need be. (Just watch the Lost Cases of Townsville and The Tree House…)

5.0.5. as Zero: A cute animal sidekick is a cute animal sidekick, I always say! And 5.0.5. was basically designed to be the ultimate cutesy animal sidekick. Therefore, he can be basically do anything Zero did. Try to cheer up Black Hat? Check. Pull Black Hate’s sleigh? Why couldn’t he? Yeah, he can’t be a flying ghost dog with a glowing nose, but I could just throw bedsheet on him (it was just after Halloween after all) and maybe say he swallowed that anti-gravity device.

Batman as Santa Claus: For Santa Clause, I needed someone who could be the absolute good guy in a world filled with bad guys and weirdos, much like Santa was in the movie. Likewise, since Jack kidnapped Santa to take over Christmas, Black Hat would need to kidnap the guy in charge of Gotham in order to take it for himself. So, of course he’s going to go after it’s #1 protector. I can also see Batman being the voice of reason in this madcap story. Not to mention that he could pull off a Santa suit even better than Black Hat! (In fact…)

The Joker as Oogie Boogie: This one I had some trouble with. I kept asking myself stuff like, “who would be brave enough to usurp Black Hat?,” “who could match Oogie’s siz—er, presence?” or “who would want to kidnap Santa Claus?,” and “Who would be into gambling and crazy funhouse stuff?” And then it came to me: The Joker. I mean, he’s got charisma, a sense of menace, he’s a cutthroat who loves to play with his enemies, and almost always has a big ol’ amusement park deathtrap on hand. Sure, he wouldn’t have the creepy demise like Oogie, but he could get a good beating and traumatizing from Black Hat and/or Demencia (who’d really hate being a damsel in distress, I imagine).

The Delightful Children from Down the Lane as Lock, Shock, and Barrel: At first, I thought of using other Batman villains or Shannon, Darrell, and Ernesto from OK K.O.!, but then I thought it would make more sense to have child villains from a CN show who could do bad things for slime-balls like Black Hat and Joker with pleasure. I instantly thought of these scheming, little monsters from Codename: Kids Next Door (an old favourite of mine). Although they’re usually talk and act in unison, they could have some comical bickering now and then. (After all, “Lenny is an idiot.”) Likewise, I can see Black Hat using Batman’s affinity for young people to get him while his guard’s down. They could make for great trick r’ treaters as well!

Lord Boxman as The Mayor: The mayor wasn’t a very important character, but he was definitely a memorable one, and the first character I thought of who could match his dual personality was Lord Boxman from OK K.O.! They both act like leaders but are really terrible at their jobs, suck up to better villains, and throw a whimpering tantrum like nobody else. (Also, I get to imagine Jim Cummings singing lines from The Nightmare Before Christmas songs, so that’s nice.)

Various CN Villains as The Citizens of Halloween Town: Like with The Mayor and the Trick R’ Treaters, I like to think that the various CN villains who cameoed in the Villainous Orientation series would show up as the denizens of the seedier side of CN City which—as you probably guessed—would be standing in for Halloween Town. Unfortunately, I do not have an encylcopediac knowledge of either Halloween Town residents, nor CN villains, so I’ll just list the ones I can remember and am the most proud of without offering any real justification.

Nohyas as Mr. Hyde: I couldn’t think of anyone besides Black Hat with a fancy hat or smaller versions of himself. Nohyas just so happens to have a suitable villain’s hat, and Handre (his hand puppet) could work in place of tiny clones living under his hats. (And yes, I like Mighty Magiswords. Deal with it.)

Zombozo as Clown with the Tear-Away Face: I don’t believe all creepy clowns look the same, but a ghoulish clown could easily stand in for another. Plus, I used to be a big Ben 10 fan, so I thought I ought to work something in.

Donny as Behemoth: This grass ogre from Adventure Time was more of an outright jerk than Behemoth, but he has a softer side so that would make him a great candidate for a resident gentle giant.

Loony Toons’ Dracula, Billy and Mandy’s Dracula, and Count Spankula as The Vampire Brothers: Do I really need to explain this one?

The Red Guy as Devil: I sure don’t need to elaborate on this one.

The Gangreen Gang as the Zombie Band: The Gangreens were basically based off edgy bands of the late 90’s, and thanks to Gorillaz, we know Ace can play the bass like a boss. Also, I can totally hear Ace saying, “Nice work, bone-daddy.”

Earl (AKA Dopey Black Hat) as Igor: Earl doesn’t get enough to do, inside or outside of Villainous canon.

The Beast as The Hanging Tree: Yeah, I know, I’m messed-up.

HIM as Harlequin Demon: Seriously, this one cast itself!

The Queen of the Black Puddle as Undersea Gal: I don’t watch Courage the Cowardly Dog much, but I remember seeing this villainess once before and I instantly thought she’d be a dead-ringer!

Morbidia and Gateaux as The Witches: Another natural casting derived from my soft spot for Mighty Magiswords. Although Gateaux is a male and a tall one at that, he’s perfect for being a huge suck-up. (I originally considered Miss Endive from Chowder and Duchess from Fosters’ Home for Imaginary Friends, but then I remembered that no matter what they dressed-up as, they’d be unlikeable.)

Monstrous Black Hat as The Monster Under the Bed: Like Earl and the other Black Hat clones, he doesn’t get enough love. (Though this may be a good thing, since he seems too nasty to receive or return it…)

Rob as The Melting Man: There aren’t a lot of CN villains who are melting, per se, but I figured this poor bad guy from Amazing World of Gumball and his unique media-mixed malformity could work.

Biowolf as The Wolfman: Because they’re both well designed wolfmen and I refuse to forget Generator Rex.

The Robins, Batgirl, and Alfred as the Elves: If Batman’s going to be Santa, then his support staff/family might as well be his helpers. Not to mention, they’d look great in cute little elf outfits happily working on Batman’s gadgets in preparation for the big Christmas crime wave.

The Justice League as The Army: Someone needs to show up to shoot-down Black Hat and his idea of Christmas at the end, and since he’s kidnapped Batman, I think it only makes sense that the Justice League would retaliate and come to clean up Black Hat’s mess. He’d also get a reminder that he isn’t just in Gotham City, he’s in the DC universe.

Unikitty as The Easter Bunny: I have my reasons. Them being, Unikitty is good at being sweet and innocent, the episode “Batkitty,” and her world is one of the few Black Hat has interacted with so far. I like to think that’s because he’s too repulsed by her cuteness to touch it. So imagine his reaction when the Delightful Children bring him to her by accident while she’s cosplaying as LEGO Batman or something.

And there you have it! I had a lot of fun making this recast. It was a great way to step out of my comfort zone and to have some fun. Not to mention, I had an excuse to listen to the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack early. I sincerely hope you like it as much as I do, @good-guy-is-alive!

Now I just need to make sure Black Hat himself doesn’t see this, or else he might find me and—

Oh no.

No, please, Mister Black Hat, sir, you don’t understand. I just was doing this for fun. I wasn’t trying to make you look—

OH NO.

NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOjglkajgflkjdshGH;LJF’W abfklghlfuGFARGTADS!!!#%RQ#@!

…

…

…

*Since DC changes their Batman shows like people change their socks, we’ll just say that this is your standard DCAU/Bruce Timmverse Batman.

[sdog1blog]

Susan

Danny had left a message with my roommate that he had the guitar and would have it at the shop. The guitar, a Gibson J45 was a model that I'd been chasing, so I was interested, that he believed it was from the 1940's piqued my interest.

Susan had spent the night with me and I asked if she wanted to join me, warning her that Danny worked in a porn shop. She shrugged indicating that was not a big deal, but she wanted to stop at the house she was crashing at to shower and change clothes. So off we went.

I waited in the van, while Susan took care of her hygiene. This was Minneapolis in July of 1980 and the house was a crash pad for left over hippies and misfits that were what was left of the 60's counterculture. I preferred to keep my distance.

Waiting, gave me a chance to ruminate on Susan. We had met a month before, she had just landed in town or maybe it was returned to town after having lived in California for a couple years. She had only been here a few days when we met and I'll admit I was smitten. She may have been the only woman who sent a shudder through my body when I touched her. I had it bad, but there was something about her that bothered me.

To start with, she was pretty vague about where she was from, saying only it was New Jersey and Delaware, why she originally came to Minneapolis and what she did in California. When I say vague, I mean at times she was even evasive.

I looked up to see Susan coming down the walk, I licked my lips in appreciation. She had fixed her reddish-blond hair in the usual pixie bob, a colorful halter top over cutoff jeans that showed just an inch of her ass cheeks all supported by those lovely, long legs on platform sandals. She'd give the regulars at the porn shop an image to masturbate to in the video booths. And looking back, I bet she knew it.

The porn shop Danny worked at was at 5th and Hennepin on the street level of the Lumber Exchange building, a Victorian era survivor. I don't remember who owned the porn shop, it was probably Ferris Alexander, who owned several similar business in the Twin Cities. It was across the street from a couple of the cities oldest gay bars, so the clientele tended to be gay, often seeking anonymous sex.

Before leaving my house, I called my local Gibson guitar expert, who gave me information on what to look for on vintage J45's and importantly, what would be the rough range for the serial numbers. Danny's guitar played well and sounded great, but it wasn't vintage, it was probably 10 years old. It was beat up, lots of pick scratches and the odd ding in the wood, but no real damage, just a well used instrument.

Given that Danny was the seller, it didn't surprise me that the goods, didn't fit the description. Danny reminded me of a friend of my father’s, Chuck. Chuck like Danny were perpetrators of the small con, they never lied, but they'd lead you down a path and like Chuck, Danny always had something interesting to sell.

When we were kids, if one of us wanted something, a TV, a stereo or as teens, something for our cars, Dad would say, he'd talk to Chuck. Chuck being one of those guys who sold merchandise out the trunk of his car, the car always being a several years old Cadillac. The stuff was stolen of course, but you didn't ask questions. Once when I was fresh mouthed teen, my mother told dad that she needed a new refrigerator, he offered his Chuck line, to which I snarkly replied, “Yeah he probably got one in his trunk”. The old man had been drinking and in a bad mood, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when he cuffed me with the back of his hand across my face, the phony ruby ring he wore, opening a crescent shape gash in my cheek. A scar that a surprising number of girls have found sexy. Go figure.

Both Danny and I are from north of Boston and when we met, we both engaged in the game of what city. I guessed that he was from Medford or Malden so I asked him to say Medford, it came out as Mefford, I smiled. It took him a bit longer to figure me out as I has spent the years since high school suppressing my accent. But given a few beers the dese, dems and doses of mill city Merrimack Valley came pouring out. Yeah, Lawrence, but more specifically identifying South Lawrence in a futile attempt to distinguish my origins from the rest of that decrepit place. But Danny could see through that.

While I wandered to Minneapolis after college in search of a fertile music scene away from my family, Danny came earlier when his mother remarried and moved the family to her husband's home in Worthington. To get to Worthington, you go out to Bum F@ck Egypt and take a right. Danny was 15 then and bolted to the Twin Cities right after high school.

Danny's reaction to Susan coming through the door was predictable, he straightened up, wiped the bread crumbs from his chin, brushed off his clothes and ran his fingers through his hair, all in an attempt for him to look presentable. While I looked over the guitar he flirted with Susan, playing Johnny the Dunce and asking her lots of questions, often repeating the same ones, all punctuated with him saying, "we've met before, haven't we" and "where do I know you from?"

After playing the guitar for about 15 minutes, I told Danny, that it was a nice instrument, but I needed to think about it. But I had already decided not to get it.

Out on the sidewalk, I commented to Susan, that it seemed that she and Danny had hit off. She allowed he was kind of cute and a pest. That made me laugh and I followed up with, "Well do you know him from somewhere?" Her denial wasn't completely convincing, just before the no was to leave her lips, her eyes, that were meeting mine, darted away.

Danny called a day or so later, he had another buyer, but wanted give me last dibs, i.e., he wanted to see if I would pay more. Before we hung up, he started, "Ya know, but the way. That chick, the one you were with." "Susan?" I interjected. "Ya her" he replied, "I know'd, I know'd her from some place." I didn't respond and let him continue. "After youse left, I browsed through a few magazines and there she was in the centerfold of Ass Magic, taking a big old dick up the shit pipe." "How can you be sure that the girl in magazine was her?" I asked. He came back with "Oh it's her. I bet she has a small tatoo, maybe a star, about the size of a quarter near her pussy, just to left of her pubes. She also likes suckin cock."

Susan did have a small tattoo on her pelvis, though it was the symbol for anarchy not a star. She did like giving blowjobs, when we first slept together she played with the tip of my cock with her tongue occasionally, sliding down my dick. For a moment she stopped and looked at me mischievously and said, "I have no gag reflex," then consumed me. She swallowed the jizz as well. But anal, no, every time I tried the backdoor, she'd wave me off.

I filed Danny's report in my mind along with her surprise announcement a couple of weeks earlier that she was going to take a few shifts at Augie's to supplement the secretarial work she took from a temp agency. There was more to my lovely friend than met the eye.

In those days I made my living as a musical Paladin, Have Guitar, Will Travel so to speak. Plus banjo, fiddle, bass, mandolin, piano, pretty much if it had strings, I played it. Rock, jazz, blues, country, bluegrass, it didn't matter. What was the progression, which key and hum me a few bars for the melody and I was ready.

Most players I knew formed a band and headed out on the road. Been there, done that and hated it. So I eked out a living sitting in with bands who were missing a player, some solo acoustic work on the folk circuit and serving as a band member for faded rock and country acts who no longer could afford to take a group on the road. Add to that, a bit of session work, mostly commercial work tied to TV and radio advertising and I made a living. After a while I stopped worrying about where the next dollar would come from and just knew that it would come. I was also pretty smug that I'd manage to scrape together enough money to put a down payment on a little house on the wrong side of the tracks in So. Minneapolis, something my friends couldn't dream about.

The following Tuesday, I sat in with a blues band at the Cabooze. Kate, who headlined the band was touted in the local music press as someone who should be the next Janis Joplin. It, if, she only got a chance. Well there were reasons Kate wouldn't go pass being a regional name, but it was impolite to discuss them. Anyway that week she was in tough position as she was missing 2 band members and had firm gigs in the next fourteen days.

Tommy, her lead guitarist, had turned himself into detox and would be spending the next two or three weeks at Hazelden, trying to get straight. Tom was a good guy and while it took about five or so attempts, he finally conquered his demons and was sober for nearly twenty years before he was killed riding home from work on his bicycle by a drunk driver. Cal, her drummer was sitting in the county jail unable to make bail after being arraigned for raping a fifteen year old, he went away for a long time. For me, I had eight paydays coming and a girlfriend with whom I was love struck. Life was good.

Before the show, a friend, Kevin, came by to show me a guitar he just bought, it was the J45 and it was of 1940's vintage he raved. Kev was a bit naive, I chose not to break his bubble. Later when Danny showed up, I confronted him about the lie and he shrugged saying, "people will believe what they want to believe," looked hard at me and walked away.

We started at 9, the crowd was small, but by the end of the set, respectable for a Tuesday and there was energy in the house, Kate could rock. At sets end, the substitute drummer and I headed for the bar, while the rest of the band went off chasing white lines.

Before my beer arrived, Susan came out of the crowd followed by a friend, who's name I didn't catch. I knew she wouldn't be staying as this was a dancing night and I'd pick her up at close. I and every other guy watched her leave, it was those legs and the tight, slut length mini dress, we were entranced. After they left, a guy who drives a cab, mentioned that the other woman looked an awful lot like a hooker that he'd driven around the previous week.

Augie's is also on 5th and Hennepin, across from the Lumber exchange building. Hennepin was a one-way then, heading toward the river with lane for buses and cabs going in the other direction

I came down 5th and was caught at the light. She was waiting in front of the club, the Augie's bouncers standing out front chatting with the bouncers from the Brass Rail. She saw me flash the headlights and walked the 50 or so feet to the corner. She got in, we kissed and I asked her where she wanted to go. "I'm hungry," was her response. "Mama's OK," I asked and she nodded affirmatively.

Breakfast at Mama's was on Riverside, just off Cedar on the West Bank. It opened at midnight, on the weekends, after the bars closed, the line would stretch around the building, But on a Wednesday morning getting a table was easy.

We got home around 2:30 and she went right to bed and by the time I went to join her, she was sleeping like a baby. "So much for a bit of nooky," I thought. Not really tired, I poured a glass of brandy, rolled a joint and went out on the porch. Being alone, in the dark started me thinking, about her of course. What I knew and the new info, that she worked in porn. Also there were other photo shoots and movies in which she appeared, and the possible hooker friend. That last snippet of information was making me paranoid. The coming weekend, I'd be playing with Kate's band in the far northwest suburbs, while Susan would be dancing at Augie's on Thursday and Friday, and then on Saturday working a private party with the suspected hooker.

A couple of years earlier, I'd sworn off stripper girlfriends due to the drama they were bringing into my life. Probably because I had a defective selection procedure, the dancers I dated were emotional toxic waste dumps. Susan wasn't that, but I suspected something that would have been worse, that she was emotionally hardened.

The previous week, I was to meet her at the end of her shift at Augie's after I finished playing a recording session at a nearby studio. The session had gone sideways, when one member of the duo what we were backing showed up too stoned to work. So I went by the club a couple of hours early.

Augie's opened in the mid 40's as a caberet and night club, at some point strippers were added, then the live music faded away and the strippers were what was left. In the early 80's the interior seemed quite like it must have been in the dives hey day. As you came in to the right, was the bar and in the back corner a stage that connected to the back bar and the main bar allowing the dancers to walk up the bar if they chose. In the center, there were tables, but it was once a dance floor and to the left small tables were arranged on risers, each row a bit higher than the one in front.

I entered as she was finishing her stage set, collecting her money and disappearing into the dressing room. The bar stool, closest the street was empty, so I took it. She came out a few minutes later to work the room, having changed to a sheer nightie and a g-string.

She didn't notice me as I watched her work the room. This was in the days before private rooms for lap dances. Working the room consisted of a few things, table dances, company, sitting with a guy and letting him paw you and convincing the mark to buy a $3 bottle of champagne for $30, for which the dancer received half.

She had told me she had never danced before and I'd believed her. But watching her work that night I began to doubt her. She was simply, to efficient and cold. While most of the girls would look away when groped, Susan could look them straight in the eye and smile as some loser felt her up. She sold a lot of champagne.

I was convincing myself that I should enjoy the ride while it lasted but not to become to invested.

Epilogue

A couple of months later, Susan announced she was going back to LA for a while, but would be back. She was gone about a year, when I got a call from her asking if I could pick her up at the airport and could she stay with me till she found a place of her own.

I'd very recently had begun dating a woman, a nice stable person with a normal professional day job. I asked her if she minded, I won’t say she didn’t but didn’t make a scene. We'd eventually marry and she still puts up with me.

Susan stayed with me for about a week and she was clear she had no interest in rekindling our romance. She had set her sights on marrying a doctor and got a secretarial job at a local hospital to facilitate it. She was successful, a nice guy but it lasted only a few years. After that she began meowing and scratching at my door again.

Mostly, but not entirely could I resist her and then she went off and found another husband, who either ignored her behavior or was willfully blind. I guess they're still together.  Susan drifted in and out of my life for about 20 years till we had another falling out and I decided to say good riddance.

Danny married one of the girls who worked the peep show, moved to the burbs and had a couple of kids. He left the porn shop and took a job selling cars. He was good at it and eventually opened a used car lot of his own. But larceny and Danny ran in tandem and he was busted for title washing and dealing in stolen cars.

While on Covid-19 lock down, I was browsing a vintage porno tube and low and behold came across an orgy scene that featured her. There was no credit, but using the name of the star(s) I found several more. It seemed her specialty was blowjobs, anal and gang bangs. Never could find a stage name, but she showed up in a few dozen clips. Her memory triggered the urge to write this down.

[nottooldforthisship]

Because some people asked ;) I'll try to make one a month with all the fics I read (and like!) in the last month okay ? Also fair warnings : 1/ these fics recs will contains some classics because HELLO newbie here  2/ I mostly read rated M or E fics.

  ☾  The Price , by theroguesgambit : Stiles must surrender the most important thing in his life to protect the town… and no one can figure out what it was. (18k, M)

  ☾   Can't rely on me , by  Littleredridinghunter : Set at the end of season 2, Gerard beats Stiles up, but it's a lot worse than anyone knows. The pack let him down, that's not really a surprise lately.When Danny finds Stiles nearly bleeding to death the next day it's the start of a beautiful friendship.Can the pack make amends before it's too late? Will Stiles ever forgive them for not being there for him when he needed them the most? (116k, E)

  ☾   Didn't See That Coming, by knittersrevolt : Stiles leaves Beacon Hills in the dust after he catches his husband cheating on him. He finds his way to New York where he starts working for the Hale House Nursery, accidentally adopts a werewolf baby (through no fault of his own thank-you-very-much), and somehow starts training to be an Exorcist Emissary. So, in general, life was going good.Then he hears that demons have found their way into his hometown. Can he face his inner demons and go back to save the day? (83k, E)

  ☾  Human is Just a Word , by lady emebalia (emebalia)  :  Getting claimed by a werewolf has so not been on Stiles' agenda for the night. But at least he can choose whose human pet he's going to be. That's a plus, right? (173k, E)    

  ☾  Just Act Normal,  by  zosofi  : If someone had told Stiles back in high school that he would be an Oscar winning actor by the time he turned 25, he would’ve probably told Scott to punch them. The thing is, though…they would’ve been right.Which makes returning to Beacon Hills, center of all that is supernatural and better left avoided, all the more awkward. (79k, E)

☾  Sense of Home,   by  siny : Home can be a place, but it can also be a person.After the events with the Nemeton, Stiles starts suffering the consequences of their sacrifice. A journey he attempts to make on his own, but only becomes worse with every step he takes. In the process he seeks comfort in an unexpected place and it draws him toward an unexpected person. (53k, E)

  ☾  What I Did On My Summer Vacation , by grimm  : There's something weird about Beacon Hills that Stiles can't quite put his finger on. The way everyone in town knows his name the day he arrives. The way they insist the melancholic howling that echoes through the forest every night is just a dog. The way his dad denies getting a dog, even though Stiles comes home to find one sprawled across his bed, some big black thing whose eyes gleam red in the right light. The way that massive oak tree out in the woods vibrates under his touch, pulsing with sickly life. There's something weird going on in this town, and Stiles is determined to get to the bottom of it. (118k, E)

(It’s damn too long ! More under the cut)

  ☾ The Undisclosed, by Taila_Tai : For once the pack doesn't panic when a new hunter arrives. The gleefully sadistic man has labelled himself a collector of all things rare in the supernatural world and wants one of the rarest creatures; a werefox. Content that the pack is safe, the wolves focus on why their human member is acting so strange, ignoring the fact that Stiles only started once learning who the man wanted... (109k, M)

 ☾  A Californian Werewolf in New York, by  dancinbutterfly, knight_tracer :    When Derek finally realizes that there's nothing left for him in Beacon Hills, he goes back to New York, gets a life, falls in love and finds his home. (16k, E)

  ☾   Insane Chemistry (with Derek Hale) , by theroguesgambit : Derek is the popular, varsity jock, prom king of the school, and Stiles is not going to be the cliche that ends up falling for him. (It’s not a cliche if no one else knows about it, right?) (14k, M)

  ☾  You Can Call Me What You Want , by  secondstar : Stiles Stilinski specializes in giving his clients exactly what they need.He knows what to say and how to act. It’s easy and he’s good at it. He never breaks. (69k, E) 

  ☾  Stick Around , by siny  : Stiles and Derek are always arguing about stupid silly things, but it gets worse every time Stiles gets hurt.orThe first time that Derek admits that he loves Stiles. Will Stiles ever admit that he loves him back? (9k, E)

  ☾  The Walls Are Breathing In , by  secondstar : Nothing could go wrong.  It was just supposed to be a safe   trip to the Nemeton. But this is Beacon Hills and things are rarely that simple.  Welcome to the life of Stiles Stilinski. Or, that time that Stiles accidentally became a sorcerer against his will. (41k, E)

 ☾  And The Oscar Goes To, by 42hrb : Being publicly in the closet means Stiles can't go to the Academy Awards with who he really wants, but it's not like he's going to win so he doesn't have to worry about slipping up and thanking Derek in his speech... right? (2k, T)

  ☾  The Accidental Hale Brood, by Julibean19 : Or, the one in which Stiles and Derek have been BCPD partners for years when they are assigned Halloween duty and run into a couple of kids from the orphanage.  One fake marriage and two real adoptions later, they somehow become a family.  (42k, M)

  ☾  The Socioeconomic Repercussions of Mutually Assured Destruction , by alocalband : "The trouble with having the kind of brain that likes to write essays on male circumcision for an Economics class, is that it also likes to turn PowerPoint presentations for Biology into odes on the perfection of notorious bad boy Derek Hale’s backside." (15k, E)

  ☾   Knot the Average Alpha , by blacktofade : Stiles’ favourite porn star, Derek Hale, moves into his apartment block and there are inappropriate facial jokes, broken bones, and a staggering amount of threats in a tiny elevator. (20k, E)

  ☾  Around the Bend, by lupinus, uraneia : Derek can't stop staring at Stiles, the bendy new yoga instructor at his family's gym. Stiles thinks Derek's a repressed homophobe who hates Stiles for making him want the D. They fall in love. (15k, E)

  ☾  Hide Of A Life War, by  Etharei : “We have received confirmation that there is a hostage situation in progress at a warehouse compound two hours out of Los Angeles, following a multiple-vehicle pileup on Highway 101 this morning...” The one in which Stiles has lived to (legal) adulthood and, along the way, become a bit of a badass himself. (26k, E)

[praphit]

The Conjuring 3: Licking and Stabbing

Hey, white people! - quit conjuring shit! 

STOP!

You'd think that playing around with demonic forces once would be enough, but... idk, it's like that woman or guy that you know who is toxic, but you can't stay away from them... in this case that “woman or guy” is the devil.

I've really enjoyed this franchise.

The 1st Conjuring - few possession movies have gotten it right, since "The Exorcist", but this movie was on point. I remember seeing this while on a hot date; this movie scared her right into my arms (classic). Thanks, Conjuring!

The 2nd Conjuring - there were more creepy visuals that time around

Then, there was also "Annabelle" ( a few of them), 

and "The Nun". 

Like the world needs more reasons not to want to go to church.

I have enjoyed most of these movies!

They've been about story, making us care about the characters (The Warren's), mystery.... I always have to bring up how the actors here are so much sexier than the real life people. It makes me laugh.

A more accurate casting would have been Danny DeVito and Catherine O'Hara (not that they’re not sexy, cuz they are, but they look more like the real people). 

Picture these two in a serious horror movie. Yeah... so I get it:)

But, The Conjuring Universe has never been about jump scares, torture porn, and blood-thirsty monsters (though I love those:).

Let's see if they continue on that path.

Once again, this movie starts off with a possession. Can you imagine if  demonic possessions were this common?

"Stacey couldn't make it into work today. She's been possessed. I know, I know... it's the third time this year. I keep telling her to get her life right with God, take her vitamins, and quit eating at McDonald's (demons love fast food ridden vessels), but she won't listen."

There are so many possessions that The Warren's need a company. They need to become like Orkin.

There are lessons to be learned with this recent possession:

Don't leave anything around that could be turned into a shiv. No hard objects, in general... during this exorcism, a plate flies from the kitchen and hits some priest in the head. It was frickin hilarious, but easily preventable. No mirrors, Heavy on the demon insurance (you'd think there would be in this universe), and always be ready for a physical fight.

Again, they should all know by now.

If it were ME, i'd roll up there with a gun (rubber bullets, I guess... not trying to kill the vessel), rosary beads wrapped around my fists like brass knuckles. Idk about a wooden bat (again, not trying to kill), but maybe a wiffle bat dipped in holy water. Ooo, and a pack of smokes! Gotta look cool like Constantine.

Towards the end of this exorcism, there's a young man trying to impress this young lady by being the hero to save her possessed brother.

He says LOUDLY "Take me!"  Yeah, so another lesson, no woman/man is worth being possessed over.

It also seems like they would have had this young man (dummy) under surveillance after this. They kinda show you why they didn't, but... the reason doesn't fly with me.

And the young lady! - you just watched as some demon goes from your brother into your boyfriend, and life just goes back to normal for you? Back to school, back to work, hitting up the clubs and ball games? No, she sees her brother stab people and contort his body into a pretzel, then transfer evil into her lover (it just dawned on me that they were probably getting it on with the demon inside him... that's some next level perversion). Point being, several months of therapy, with not wanting to leave your room, TOPS!

So, after the first act, I'm still really into this! You've got the story, the characters I care about - the possessed dumb dumb, his unfazed girlfriend... (who also looks REALLY young. I mean he looks like he's in his late 20's, but she looks like she's 16. Anyway...)

Lorraine Warren who's normally doing most of the work. And Ed Warren, who's normally getting his ass beat by demonic spirits.

The big problem here is the lack of thrills. This third installment is mostly story, and that would be fine, if it were a solid tale, but it's SOOOOOO SOOOOOO hauntingly boring. Like the boredom stays with you after watching the movie; you'll still sense its presence for a few hours afterwards.

I had to cleanse my palate, so I turned on "Adventure Time". 

Nothing wrong with that (i like that cartoon), but picture watching this boring movie with people. Your friends leave the room, but you remain in that room, totally silent. And when they come back you're randomly watching "Adventure Time". I think they thought I was possessed, and maybe I was... the  boredom was real.

It was like a bad lunch date. You get stuck with someone who is immensely boring. You feel like you're stuck in quicksand. It feels like 3 hours have gone by, but it's only been 10 minutes. That's this movie!

Like I said, the story is bad. Big Possessed Dumb Dumb did something awful as a result of, well, being possessed, and now The Warrens are looking for evidence to convince a judge that 'the devil made him do it'. What kind of evidence would that be exactly?!

The only thing that might work would be the devil himself walking into court (looking stereotypically devilish), 

admitting that he made him do it, and then theatrically disappearing. And in a world where we can't agree on facts anymore, I don't even think THAT would have saved the kid. They would have believed that they've all been drugged or something.

There IS an old ghost lady lurking about -  licking people, cursing them... and sometimes stabbing them. You'd think that this would make the movie exciting! But, you'd be wrong.  It could have been cool and kinky (well, not so much the cursing in the name of beelzebub - not MY thing), but the ghost lady was shy with it. Gotta own your weirdness, Ghost Lady! 

It's pretty bad when licking and stabbing becomes yawn-worthy.

Grade: F

The most exciting part of this movie (the ONLY exciting part) is a couple of appearances from a dirty, white, fat, naked guy who appears out of the shadows, and chases people around. I'll remind you that this is based off of a true story. Though, like The Warren's, I'm surprised that he wasn't made to be sexier in the movie. Imagine a clean, naked, ripped, Chris Hemsworth trying to hug people to death. That would be a totally different movie.

[comic-movieheroesranked]

Cinematic Comic Characters Ranked! (Year 2012) Part II

After the explosion of new characters introduced in 2011′s list, this year’s list is a bit more calm. Returning for the last time is Dark Knight Rises, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, and Men in Black 3. We also get a fresh new face for The Amazing Spider-Man and a prequel of sorts in Prometheus. This year also debuts The Avengers, Marvel’s mega blockbuster. Without further ado, here’s #42-21!

*SPOILERS FOR ALL THE HIGHLIGHTED MOVIES ABOVE*

42. Colonel James Darrel Edwards Jr. (Men in Black 3)

At first Colonel Edwards just seemed like a military officer who ended up coming through and helping our agents save the world from a ridiculous alien man. The twist was showed after he ended up dying however, something that was hinted by Griffin the entire time. He's Agent J's dad! Who knew Agent J would be able to reunite with his father even after his death.

41. Erik Selvigg (The Avengers)

We saw at the end of Thor that poor Erik was being possessed by Loki the entire time he was working with SHIELD. So it's no surprise when he helps Loki gain control over the tesseract and then help it create a portal that would allow the invasion of an entire alien army in the middle of New York City. Luckily, even a mind controlled Erik created a way to close the portal, which the Avengers were able to do at the last second.

40. Roarke/Mephistopheles (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)

The devil is back disguised as another man and ripping off even more people with the promise of something great in return for their souls, and then going back on his promise as soon as he get what he wants. This time he manages to convince a woman to carry his demon child so that he could posses the kid and take over the world. Of course Ghost Rider shows up to stop everything before he really does any damage, just like last time.

39. John Daggert and Philip Stryver (The Dark Knight Rises)

There's always got to be someone working at Wayne Enterprises that wants to take everything from Bruce and take over the company. John Daggert, with the help of his assistant, kinda ends up doing just that by hiring Bane to get Bruce's prints to mess with the company and get Bruce to lose all his fortune. However, he DID hire Bane, who of course betrayed him in favor of starting his new world order and killed him. His assistant, Phillip, doesn't get off the hook. He gets sentenced to exile by Scarecrow and is forced to walk on the frozen waters surrounding Gotham City. They're not too frozen and with one wrong step, Phillip sinks to his death.

38. Peter Foley (The Dark Knight Rises)

After Gordon starts losing popularity with the Mayor, Foley decides he's going to try to take Gordon's job from under him. He does this by doing whatever he can to catch the Batman and also ignores all the warnings Gordon and Blake tried to give him about Bane's army hiding in the sewers. He doesn't listen, and when Bane takes over Gotham he goes in hiding until Gordon calls him out. He participates in the final confrontation against Bane's men, but dies when Talia orders her driver to shoot him down.

37. Fifield and Millburn (Prometheus)

Even though I didn't care for Millburn, I was kinda rooting for Fifield. He's the only one in the entire team that just doesn't like the idea of finding the Engineers at all. He knew better than to mess with things he didn't understand but his mistake was traveling with Millburn, who ends up messing with an cobra-like alien. Of course said alien ends up attacking them but when Fifield tries to cut Millburn loose, the aliens blood burns through his mask. The alien then goes inside Millburn's suit and enters his body through his mouth! The next time we see Millburn he's dead but Fifield ends up showing up as an infected psychopath and ends up killing most of the crew in a blind rage before he's taken down.

36. Peter Weyland (Prometheus)

Weyland is the old rich guy who's company is funding the entire expedition because he wants to secretly join the group and hopefully find a way to stay alive forever. Even though the guy looks like he's seconds from dying, he manages to somehow walk his old ass to the crashed ship to speak with an Engineer, but nothing goes as planned as the Engineer beats him to death as soon as he wakes up.

35. Moreau (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)

Even though Moreau was the only likable character in this god forsaken movie for me, it just wasn't enough to save it. He pops in every now and then as an ally to Ghost Rider and Danny and he even has the ability to change Ghost Rider into a blue flamed spirit but of course he dies after that so I guess thanks for the assist, Moreau.

34. Chance and Ravel (Prometheus)

The two pilots under Janek and were probably the most loyal members on the crew. They never got out to explore the dangerous new planet they landed on so they pretty much stayed out of harms way until the very end. When Janek must sacrifice himself to crash  the ship into the one controlled by the Engineer, Chance and Ravel elect to stay behind and help him.

33. Maria Hill (The Avengers)

Maria Hill is a SHIELD agent that's mostly seen side by side with Nick Fury. Even though it was pretty easy to forget her when she's surrounded by billionaires, super soldiers, and Norse Gods, she does have some pretty cool moments that proves she is not someone to mess with.

32. Johnny Blaze/Ghost Rider (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)

I'm just gonna say it, Nicholas Cage frustrates me as an actor. There have been so many times where he makes me cringe and I feel like I'm the only one who feels that way. Even though his weirdness sorta kinda worked for the first Ghost Rider, it was the complete opposite for this one. It was just so bad. His ridiculous screaming was just the cherry on top to this once-decent character that is now absolute trash.

31. Lucius Fox (The Dark Knight Rises)

Unlike the last two films, Lucius doesn't get to show off some awesome new gadgets for Batman because he's busy running around trying to make sure Bruce's company doesn't end up in the wrong hands. Of course, none of that matters once Bane takes over the city and Lucius is spent mostly as one of the hostages the freed prisoners have recently taken. He plays a big role in trying to stop the reactor core and afterwards takes over the business after Bruce's supposed dead.

30. Griffin (Men in Black 3)

Griffin was fun to watch and he really showed a different side to someone who is clairvoyant. Throughout the entire movie we watch as he sees every single outcome that could happen, some even have drastic differences based on the if Agent J drank chocolate milk or not. Despite all this, he knows that SOMEONE has to die when stopping Boris, something he just can't bring himself to watch. Ending with him in the diner was a bit weird, but this was a weird movie.

29. The Engineers (Prometheus)

From the beginning we knew that the Engineers were a big deal. Not only were they thought to be the creators of the human race, but they were also the creators of the alien virus meant to destroy them. The Engineers tasked with releasing it accidentally set it loose on themselves though and ended up dying out. Except for one. This last Engineer is in a cryo sleep until Weyland's team wake him up. They think he's going to have all the answers, but he ends up just killing most of them. He's only stopped when Shaw releases her overgrown alien baby on him, which is revealed to be a super-sized face hugger. Through this Engineer we see the birth of the first alien as it rips out of his chest, but thank goodness it's on a planet all by itself.

28. Miranda Tate/Talia al Ghul (The Dark Knight Rises)

If you read the comics you wouldn't be surprised when its learned that Ra's al Ghul's child isn't actually Bane, but Talia al Ghul. It did take me a little longer to figure out that Talia was, in fact, Miranda Tate, Bruce's business partner that he was trusting with the energy core. I thought her little plan of revenge was a bit much just because it didn't even seem like she had a relationship with Ra's anyway, so why was it a big deal that Batman killed him to protect a city of millions? Unlike the comics she isn't as deadly physically and is really only a good schemer so when her plan went to waste, she died pretty easy.

27. Agent K (Men in Black 3)

Boris the Animal goes back in time to change one thing, and that's Agent K. With him dead there's no one stopping him from having his alien creatures invade Earth. It's also why Agent J goes back in time to help save younger Agent K. This younger version is similar to the agent we know but also a lot different. They're both share their deadpan faces but Agent K actually has no problem opening up to Agent J as opposed to the older version who always changes and/or ignores the subject. With the help of J, his father, and Griffin, Agent K is able to change history back to normal and save the planet.

26. Clint Barton/Hawkeye (The Avengers)

Out of all the Avengers that were featured, Hawkeye was the one that came out with the short stick. For most of the movie he was under Loki's control, and even though he is extremely talented with his bow and arrow, most of the time it felt like he was just a nuisance. Once Black Widow knocked some sense back into him, he joined the other Avengers in fighting off Loki's army. But the problem with being a skilled archer is that eventually you're gonna run out of arrows. Luckily the others were able to defeat Loki before things got really bad for Hawkeye.

25. Meredith Vickers (Prometheus)

So the whole movie I thought Meredith was on board because she had a really twisted evil plan, but her motivation was pretty simple. She wanted the crew to fail so Weyland could finally die and she could take over the company. Knowing that, it makes perfect sense as to why she did not hesitate to burn Holloway, because she wasn't risking anything that would kill her. The entire time she was doing everything she could to save herself. Too bad she just didn't roll to the side before getting crushed by that falling ship.

24. Charlie Holloway (Prometheus)

So Charlie got screwed over because he kept making fun of David, not knowing the robot dude was already plotting on him and gave him the final push to infect his ass. I'm honestly not sure if anything different would've happen if he treated David with a little decency but he didn't and the virus quickly spread. Charlie did have enough time to get it on with Shaw the night before the virus really started kicking in, which ends up spelling bad news for Shaw. When the team tries to help him, Charlie knows whatever it is he's infected with isn't going to stop so he allows Vickers to burn him alive.

23. Agent J (Men in Black 3)

Agent J tackles the biggest mission of his life: going back in time to stop some ridiculous looking alien from killing Agent K. Agent J is a comedian so watching him interact with the past, where Andy Warhol parties were a huge thing and where Agent K was a lot more loose about his personal life was funny to watch, but things got pretty real. He had to deal with an even worse case racial profiling with police and he had to watch how his dad's death came to be. But still, the sweetest thing was him getting to see that the first person to comfort him was Agent K.

22. Janek (Prometheus)

I really liked Janek but like, everyone on the ship liked Janek. Even Vickers liked him and she hated everyone. He was someone that just liked flying his ship in space, he didn't care about meeting his creators or anything like that because he didn't care about the validation. He's a simple man but he still has no problem doing what he needs to do to save Earth. So when Shaw mentions that an Engineer is flying off to destroy his entire planet, he bravely sacrifices himself and crashes his ship into the Engineers.

21. David (Prometheus)

I knew something was up with David. It's just a bad combination to put a robot who is starting to develop curiosity about his own life and whether or not he has meaning mixed with a bunch of crewman who treat him like shit. You know what that equals? Him plotting their demise. Like he really infected Charlie just to see what would happen. Luckily he was taken out of the game early when the lone surviving Engineer ripped his head off, but since he's a robot he didn't die and he convinces Shaw to take him with her when she leaves.

[gokinjeespot]

off the rack #1159

Monday, April 17, 2017

 I'm back. Missed posting last week while I was vacationing in Cuba. It was a nice break to be totally unconnected. I managed to read two week's worth of comic books for today's deadline so this will be longer than usual.

 Weapon X #1 - Greg Pak (writer) Greg Land (pencils) Jay Leisten (inks) Frank D'Armata (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). That was a very promising start. This new mutant team book opens with Old Man Logan chillaxin' in the wilds of Washington state and ends with him teaming up with Sabretooth. The age old enemies must work together to fight a common enemy. I look forward to seeing how they hook up with the other three mutants featured on the credits page.

 Superman #20 - Patrick Gleason & Peter J. Tomasi (writers) Patrick Gleason (pencils) Mick Gray (inks) John Kalisz (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). Venom was all over Marvel variant covers recently but I didn't expect to see him in a DC comic book. Part one of "Black Dawn" is a World's Finest team-up that has Batman visiting the Superman family on their farm. Seems the neighbours are not what they seem. It's stories like these that make me appreciate the biweekly release schedule.

 Godshaper #1 - Simon Spurrier (writer) Jonas Goonface (artist) Colin Bell (letters). This is the story of Ennay, the godshaper. He travels around reshaping gods for people in a weird new world where personal gods make life easier. See, natural science doesn't work in this world so gods are what helps people live. I like Ennay. He's a hustler with a conscience who is just trying to get by

and not a con man. Jonas's art is vibrant and colourful and Ennay's little god sidekick Bud is cute.

 Deadpool vs. Punisher #1 - Fred Van Lente (writer) Pere Perez (art) Ruth Redmond (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). Well, that's one way to start a feud. Frank hurts Wade's accountant and the battle is on. I know that neither killer will win this fight but I might read it to see how they settle the feud.

 Action Comics #977 - Dan Jurgens (writer) Ian Churchill (art) Hi-Fi (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). Part one of "The New World" starts off with a rehash of Superman's origin story going right back to when his parents put him into a rocket ship to Earth just before the planet Krypton explodes and Ma and Pa Kent finding baby Kal-El on their farm in Smallville. I found the retelling tedious but there are a few pages peppered in showing a mysterious new super villain that almost made up for that feeling of reading a rerun. This new villain will keep me coming back for more.

 Riverdale #1 - This new Archie publication is based on the new "hit" TV series. I have not seen the show but I have a long time love of these characters, especially for a certain blonde girl next door. There are two short stories. The first by Will Ewing (writer) Joe Eisma (art) Andre Szymanowicz (colours) Janice Chiang (letters) features Archie going through the varsity football team's hazing rituals. I am impressed that Will made me like this version of the redheaded teenager. The second story by Michael Grassi (writer) Joe Eisma (art) Andre Szymanowicz (colours) John Workman (letters) features my gal Betty Cooper as she endures hazing by Cheryl Blossom, the wicked witch captain of the cheerleading squad. This book made me want to tune into the show now.

 X-Men Blue #1 - Cullen Bunn (writer) Jorge Molina & Matteo Buffagni (art) Matt Milla (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). This is the original young X-Men team with Jean Grey/Marvel Girl as leader. It reads like a straight up super hero comic book with Marvel Girl, Cyclops, Angel (with flaming wings, when did that happen?), Beast and Iceman fighting Black Tom Cassidy and Juggernaut on a luxury yacht. Not very interesting until the surprise twist at the end. The twist bothered me more than intrigued me because the character is also in other X-books and I'm wondering are they good or bad in this one? The back-up story looks like it features Wolverine but this guy is a blonde. I liked the art throughout, especially the cover by Art Adams but my opinion is that these kids should be in their own little world to make it interesting for me and that isn't this.

 Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #18 - Robert Venditti (writer) V Ken Marion (pencils) Dexter Vines (inks) Dinei Ribeiro (colours) Dave Sharpe (letters). The Green and Yellow Lantern Corps working together would be like the FBI and the CIA working together. Things are going to get testy at times. Having Guy and Arkillo make peace after almost killing each other in a slugfest is hokey but it kind of works for this comic book. This is a good issue to jump in on as it starts the new story "The Prism of Time". I don't know how long I will stick with this story as it involves time travel. I know because the surprise guest star on the last page gives it away.

 American Gods #2 - Neil Gaiman (writer) P. Craig Russell (script & layouts) Scott Hampton (art) Rick Parker (letters). I have a mild obsession with time. I like to know how long something lasts. I put a date label on Bic pens to see how long it takes for the ink to run out. We rarely lost one at the Snail and one pen would last just over a year. A can of my shaving gel runs out after just over a month. The number 44 is bad luck in Chinese culture so I wear an analogue watch rather than a digital. It always seemed that whenever I looked at the time on a digital it was 44 minutes after the hour and I would get anxious. I kid you not. There's an incident in this issue that relates to a certain time and now that I am aware of it I am going to see if it happens in real life. This is the kind of stuff that makes reading comic books a lot of fun for me. Seeing the incident unfold in three panels made the impact on me even bigger than just reading about it in a novel.

 Jessica Jones #7 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Michael Gaydos (art) Matt Hollingsworth (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). This issue starts and ends with Maria Hill and leads to a new case for Jessica. There's a touching scene with Jessica, Luke and their daughter Danielle but not a resolution to their damaged relationship. I really hope Luke forgives Jessica.

 Batman #20 - Tom King (writer) David Finch (pencils) Danny Miki & Trevor Scott (inks) Jordie Bellaire (colours) Deron Bennett (letters). The finale to "I Am Bane" was meh. It's a fight between hero and villain that I've witnessed many, many times. This one is just brute force versus brute force and how Batman puts down Bane (because we all know that's what will happen) was very mundane. I hope the next story ends in a more interesting way.

 Rat Queens #2 - Kurtis J. Wiebe (writer) Owen Gieni (art) Ryan Ferrier (letters). The main story has the Queens landing the demon Canada goose to tie up another quest. The back-up story by Patrick Rothfuss (writer) Nate Taylor (art) Ryan Ferrier (letters) is a nifty little campfire story that was very clever. Fooled me.

 Guardians of the Galaxy #19 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Valerio Schiti (art) Richard Isanove (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). This issue is "Bendis' big-time bye-bye blowout!" and it is an artists lover's dream. The guest artists here are Phil Noto, Andrea Sorrentino, Ed McGuinness & Mark Morales, Arthur Adams, Kevin Maguire, Mark Bagley & Andrew Hennessy, Sara Pichelli and Filipe Andrade. It's basically a big fight between the team, a few of their friends and Thanos. My one complaint is that Gamora did not act like I thought she should but it was an expedient reaction to seeing the Mad Titan in that situation. I loved Brian's run on this book so writer Gerry Duggan has a hard act to follow.

 Wonder Woman #20 - Greg Rucka (writer) Bilquis Evely (art) Romulo Fajardo Jr. (colours) Jodi Wynne (letters). Veronica Cale has exhausted all medical means for getting her daughter Izzy back from the clutches of Phobos and Deimos so it's time for the mystical option. I like Greg's incarnation of Circe. She can give Loki a run for his money.

 Paper Girls #13 - Brian K. Vaughn (writer) Cliff Chiang (art) Matthew Wilson (colours) Jared K. Fletcher (letters). Time travel makes my head hurt but I have an emotional stake in these girls now and want to know what happens to them.

 Champions #7 - Mark Waid (writer) Humberto Ramos (pencils) Victor Olazaba (inks) Edgar Delgado (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). That's twice that the team has tussled with the Freelancers and the super villains have given up too easily. There's a good reason for that other than because they're cowards and bullies. There's more than one way to hurt the good guys besides beating them up. Time to call in Matt Murdock.

 Kingpin #3 - Matthew Rosenberg (writer) Marc Laming (layouts) Ben Torres (art) Jordan Boyd (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). Sarah the biographer gets chummy with Wilson Fisk which leads Sarah the reporter into very deep trouble with Tombstone. Can Wilson protect her from harm? I like this portrayal of the Kingpin.

 Savage Things #2 - Justin Jordan (writer) Ibrahim Moustafa (art) Jordan Boyd (colours) Josh Reed (letters). Ruthless terrorists who have no qualms about killing women and children make for some very nasty bad guys. It's interesting that the good guy Abel trained with these same men. I am anticipating the much larger threat that Cain has planned.

 All-New Wolverine #19 - Tom Taylor (writer) Leonard Kirk (pencils) Cory Hamscher (inks) Michael Garland (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). The 3-part "Immune" starts here. Laura and Gabby take down a human trafficker while an alien craft crashed on Roosevelt Island, New York. That crash has consequences for Laura. I am waiting to find out what the connection between the alien and Laura is. I really like Gabby and I hope she plays a bigger role in this book.

 Red Team: Double Tap, Center Mass #6 - Garth Ennis(writer) Craig Cermak (art) Vinicius Andrade (colours) Rob Steen (letters). This issue adds some true romance to the true detective plot of the story. Detectives Mellinger and Giroux break the cardinal rule of workplace romance and that never ends well. Garth will get back to blood and mayhem soon I'm sure.

 Amazing Spider-Man #26 - Dan Slott (writer) Stuart Immonen (pencils) Wade von Grawbadger (inks) Marte Gracia (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). Plenty of action in part 2 of "The Osborn Identity" with Spidey and Silver Sable fighting Norman's henchmen. Some mild intrigue with Doc Ock in the background. I don't get S.H.I.E.L.D.'s stance on what Parker Industries is doing to help Symkaria. Dan has made up some political drama for the sake of the story that doesn't make sense to me.

 Star Wars: Doctor Aphra #6 - Kieron Gillen (writer) Kev Walker (pencils) Marc Deering (inks) Antonio Fabela (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). No killer droids this issue made it a lot less fun but I did like how the story ended.

 The Unstoppable Wasp #4 - Jeremy Whitley (writer) Elsa Charretier (art) Megan Wilson (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). I really like this energetic and slightly naïve super hero. She did try to reason with a super villain but when she had to kick butt she did. I hope she can save her old Red Room mate.

 Spider-Man #15 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Szymon Kudranski (art) Justin Ponsor (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). It's time for Miles's mom to find out about his secret identity. She's not taking it as well as the Ultimate Universe Aunt May did when Peter's secret came out. Szymon's turn on the art for this book is okay but I wish he wouldn't copy panels so much. I feel like I'm not getting my money's worth when artists do that.

 Uncanny Avengers #22 - Gerry Duggan (writer) Pepe Larraz (art) David Curiel (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). The team de-powers the Red Skull of Professor X's super powers and Charles Xavier can now rest in peace. There's a page in this issue where Rogue is thinking about Professor X and the major decision that she made that Pepe and David did a beautiful job of expressing. I'm sure when Gerry wrote the scene he could not imagine how well rendered it would be.  That page choked me up and stopped me reading. I had to send Pepe a message right then to let him know that image is burned into my memory like John Romita Senior's Peter Parker walking away down an ally with Spider-Man's costume in a garbage can in the foreground. Some comic book art is unforgettable and their page qualifies. Geez Pepe, you outdid yourself.

 Spider-Man/Deadpool #16 - Joshua Corin (writer) Scott Koblish (art) Nick Filardi (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). I did not leave the best for last. This is a tie-in issue. "'Til Death Do Us…"  part 4's only interesting thing for me was seeing who Deadpool teams up with in his other book Deadpool & The Mercs for Money. This did not make me want to read that book nor the grand finale in Deadpool #29 to see what Wade and his monster queen wife Shiklah will wind up doing. I anticipate it will be the divorce from hell. I hope we get back to the silliness that I have come to expect from this book soon.