#but the intimacy of their friendship? the pain they shared? THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER SO MUCH | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

obaex · 1 year ago

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pinch me - jj maybank

summary: when you turn 17, your body begins to mirror anything that happens to your soulmate, but with so many marks and bruises, why is yours so hard to find?

word count: 2.9k

a/n: happy obx writing week! this is for day 1: au with jj! thank you to the lovely @surftrips for planning this event. this fic's a little different, but i am simply a sucker for a soulmate au. italics are jj's perspective. ♡

The flowers bloomed on your skin like a tattoo, delicate but dark. Large roses, orchids, lilies and daffodils tangled with leaves to form a winding pattern that started on your hand before appearing on your arm. You lifted your shirt to see them swirl on your ribs, near your stomach. It was mesmerizing to watch, beautiful, hypnotizing even, the sensation felt like a pleasant tingle beneath your skin that now danced on your cheek, around your eye. You lay down on your bed, closed your eyes, and willed the patterns to disappear by morning.

You knew when you turned 17 that this could happen, that your body would begin to mirror any impact on your soulmate’s skin, so you weren’t necessarily surprised. What did surprise you was the frequency with which the marks appeared, their breadth, their size. Your chest ached with the knowledge that whoever your heart was tethered to underwent physical pain on a regular basis.

You searched for your other half eagerly, knowing they wouldn’t be hard to find: a split lip, a black eye, bruised knuckles, but of course there was no one that looked like that on Figure 8. Your friends sought out their matches based on the occasional skinned knee, maybe a broken finger playing lacrosse; when they asked you about it, you lied and said you hadn’t felt anything yet, too heartbroken to share the truth and the fact that your person was nowhere to be found.

When your best friend Sarah Cameron found her match, you couldn’t help but be happy for her, even though she had found him on the wrong side of the island. She and John B began spending every day together; you were lucky if you could steal her away for an afternoon at the beach, and even then, she spent every moment gushing about him. Before long she was begging you to come hang out with him and his friends. You were undeniably skeptical, but by now your own flowered marks had stopped appearing and even though you knew that was a good thing for your other half, in a way you missed them, missed the connection, the reminder that someone out there was meant for you. You needed something to distract you, and John B and his friends proved to be the perfect distraction, especially JJ Maybank.

You and JJ fell into an immediate friendship that was unlike any you’d had before. Frankly, it shocked the other pogues – what could a marina rat and a kook princess possibly have in common? On the surface, the answer was nothing, but it’s like you just clicked right from the first day you met. You were always laughing at each other’s jokes, tears brimming your eyes, unable to catch your breath no matter how stupid they seemed to everyone else. You would finish each other’s sentences, you could read into each other’s emotions, able to understand one another when words fell short, ready with a hug or a smile when they needed it most. You had a casual intimacy, your head resting on his shoulder when you watched a movie, him always needing to have the seat next to you whether in the twinkie or in the back yard at the chateau, you permanently wearing at least one article of his clothing at any given time. You were having fun, your time with JJ distracting you from the loneliness you had felt before.

Everyone had become so obsessed with this soulmate thing - JJ didn’t think it was even real. He had never felt a thing, grateful at least that that meant his soulmate had a life very different from his own. But, why did people care so much? He had seen and heard John B go on and on about it, but all he wanted to do was ignore it, convinced that that kind of thing just wasn’t meant for someone like him.

He never knew if his parents had had it, and even if they did, what good had it done them? His mom left and his dad was gone now too, having finally taken off for the Yucatan months ago. Good riddance.

No, JJ preferred to focus on what he could control, to believe what was right in from of him, and for now that was Y/N. He wasn’t sure what a girl like that was doing hanging around with a pogue like him, but he wasn’t going to question it, grateful for every day he got to spend with her. He loved the way she made him feel, like he was always the center of her attention no matter what was going on around them - he’d never had that before, had never been someone’s first priority. He loved the way she would laugh uncontrollably with him, how big her smile got, how her nose would crinkle. He loved the way she curled into his arms when she had a bad day, seeking him out for comfort and reassurance; he loved knowing he could be that for somebody. He loved when she leaned on him when they watched movies, how sometimes her eyelids fluttered closed and she’d breath heavily against him, wrapping her arms around him in her sleepy state – that was his favorite.

The funny thing was, she didn’t seem to believe in this soulmate thing either, never chiming in when the inevitable conversation came up. And that made him feel like maybe he had a chance. He tried every day to muster the courage, to find the right words to say to ask her out, which is where his mind wandered while he spent the afternoon at work at the marina, pissed that he was missing a day on the boat with her.

The HMS Pogue bobbed gently to the rhythm of the waves as John B and Pope cast their rods into the water. You, Sarah and Kie were lying on the bow, soaking in the scorching rays of the sun as sweat dripped down your body.

“OK, I’m getting in the water, it’s too damn hot” Kie said resolutely, standing up.

“Yes please” you said, jumping up, pulling off your sunglasses and diving in, beating her to the punch.

The salt water cooled your skin immediately, bringing instant relief. You let out a sigh as your head breached the surface and you began to float on your back. It was only a moment before you felt something slimy and looked around you to see you had jumped right into a school of jellyfish. You tried to swim away, shrieking, before they began to sting you, their barbed tentacles attaching to your side as you tried to knock them away and scrambled back to the boat. You pulled yourself shakily out of the water, tenderly feeling the burns on your skin as tears overflowed in your eyes.

JJ was spraying down the latest kook yacht to pull into the marina, washing and rinsing mindlessly, his thoughts drifting to you and back again when he felt an itch on his side. He scratched it absentmindedly, attempting to ignore it when it persisted in a tingling feeling. He rubbed it harder before finally lifting his shirt to see a tattooed pattern of vines winding up his side. He shoved his shirt down and looked around, hoping nobody had seen. He dropped the hose in his hand and stumbled inside before he pulled his shirt off to inspect his skin more closely. He was mesmerized by the sensation and the pattern on his skin, his heart racing with excitement until he realized what this meant, his joy waning as his sympathy grew for this person he didn’t even know. He pressed his hand against the vines, like he could make them stop, but they persisted. He could hear his boss yelling for him, so he quickly pulled his shirt back on, his head spinning as he went back to work.

The rest of the afternoon and evening you walked around gingerly, icing your side, putting ointment on it, but nothing seemed to quell the burning sensation of the barbs in your skin. You pulled on one of JJ’s soft, oversized sweatshirts and a pair of shorts and joined your friends in John B’s backyard, trying to focus on anything else to forget the pain you were in.

Thankfully, JJ showed up right after his shift. You had missed him all day, wishing he had been out on the boat with you; he would have known just what to say, how to make you laugh, exactly how to make you feel better, and that’s all you wanted right now.

He settled into his chair beside you, but didn’t meet your gaze, didn’t acknowledge you at all; he looked a thousand miles away.

“Hey, you okay?” you asked, picking up on his demeanor immediately.

“Hmm?” he said, glancing at you quickly before looking away. In truth, he couldn’t stop thinking about the tingling on his side, which had started to fade, but that he could still feel. He looked back at you, examining you. You were perfectly fine. No one had hurt you, you weren’t in pain, and he was overwhelmingly grateful for that, but at the same time, selfishly, he knew that that meant that you weren’t his, weren’t the one for him and it crushed him.

He looked at you with sad eyes, his ocean blues scanning yours, opened his mouth like he wanted to say something before shutting it, shaking his head and ignoring you, choosing to focus on the beer in his hand instead.

You scrunched your face in response, hurt by his dismissal, especially after the day you'd had. You had been so sure he would make you feel better, that he would pull you into his arms and tell you everything was going to be okay, and now he wouldn’t even talk to you.

“Okay then” you said, standing up quickly, wanting to put some distance between you before your emotions got the best of you. “Anyone need another drink?” you asked as you made your way inside. John B shook his near-empty can in the air and you nodded, turning quickly so no one would see the tears in your eyes as you slammed the door behind you.

“What was that about?” John B said as he looked over at JJ.

JJ just shook his head and shrugged, trying to shake off your reaction, his feelings, and failing miserably.

“She seemed upset” Kie pushed, not used to seeing the two of you at odds with each other, ever. “You could at least try to be nice to her, Jayj, she had a shitty day.”

“Pfft understatement of the year” Pope agreed as he took a swig of his beer, “she put up a tough front but I’ve never seen stings that bad before, had to be the man-o-wars, she jumped right into them.”

JJ’s ears perked up. “What?” he asked, trying to catch up.

“She got stung, asshole, like fifteen times” Kie replied, gesturing to her side.

The same side where JJ’s skin still tingled.

JJ’s mouth ran dry and he could feel his heart start to hammer in his chest. It couldn’t be… could it?

He stood up, dropped his beer at his feet and ran after you.

“Y/N!!” he called as soon as he was inside, nearly tripping over the furniture on his way to reach you in the kitchen.

You were leaning with your back against the counter, your eyes meeting his as you wiped at your tears, not wanting him to know how upset he’d made you.

“You’re – Pope said – you – today –“ he stumbled over his words as he gestured outside and then to you.

You looked at him, utterly confused.

He shook his head, trying to clear it as he ran his hands through his hair, willing his heart to slow down just enough for him to get his words out.

“Today. You got stung. A-Are you okay?” he said through labored breath.

You shrugged, still angry with him. “I’m fine” you said.

“Nah, don’t do that, don’t play it off, Pope said it was bad, worst that he’s seen in a long time. C-Can I see?” he asked.

You didn’t know what good it would do at this point but you set your drink down and tenderly reached for the bottom of your sweatshirt, lifting it up to expose the angry red skin on your side, wincing slightly as your fingers grazed it.

JJ stepped closer to you, one hand on your stomach, the other on your hip, careful to avoid touching your wounds as he looked closely at it, then at you. He felt his breath hitch as his emotions overwhelmed him at the thought of this happening to you. You immediately registered the sympathy in his eyes and the fact that he seemed completely distraught, his own eyes nearly brimming with tears.

“Hey, I’m alright, it’s alright, J” you said, not fully grasping the look in his eyes.

He took his hands away, but didn’t step back from you as he lifted his own shirt. You could make out the faint remains of a twisted pattern of vines that ran up his side. Your hands flew to your mouth in shock.

“JJ…” you cautioned. Despite how much you desperately wanted this to be true, you both knew that this could be a coincidence, that that happened all the time. Your eyes met his and you could see the longing shining in them as they met yours, unwavering.

“Pinch me” he said, holding out his arm.

“What?” you asked.

“Pinch me, hard, do it,” he said again, pushing his arm closer to you.

Part of you wanted to know the truth, needed to know the truth, but a larger part of you was scared, horrified for this be a coincidence, and what that would mean for both of you. The idea that JJ might not be yours had your chin wobbling as you looked at him.

“Please, gorgeous, I need to know” he said, his voice a hoarse whisper.

You reached out tentatively and pinched the skin on his forearm hard enough to leave a pink mark where your fingers had squeezed. Within seconds you could feel the tingle on your own skin, your emotions bubbling up as you laughed and then cried, JJ grabbing you by the shoulders, desperately trying to read your emotions as you pulled up your sleeve to reveal the rose that had bloomed on your own arm, matching his own. He looked down as tears welled in his own eyes.

“D-Do it again” he said, now that he could see it, holding out his arm.

“JJ” you said through your tears, urging him to accept what was in front of him.

“Do it again” he said, and as you pinched him a daisy bloomed next to the rose, leaves tangling together. He watched the pattern, willing himself to accept that this was much more than a coincidence, to accept that he could have this, have you, that you were made for him.

He pulled you into his arms, burying his head in your shoulder as you shook, your arms circling him and hands grasping the back of his shirt like a lifeline, unwilling to let him go.

“My God, oh my God” he muttered next to you as he rocked you back and forth.

“W-wait” you said, pulling back reluctantly to look at him. His eyes were blown wide, totally focused on you.

“What is it, beautiful?” he asked and your heart skipped a beat at the nickname.

Your hand came up to cup his face. “Last year” you whispered, tracing your finger under his eye, across his cheek, running it over his lips, tracing all the places you seen flowers on your own skin. He hung his head, pressing his forehead to yours.

“My dad” he said simply in reply as he realized, reluctantly, that you now knew better than anyone what he had been through.

“I’m so sorry” you whispered.

“It’s okay. I’m okay now” he reassured you as his hands reached up to cup your face. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

You nodded as your eyes met his, your mind still reeling, trying to piece together what was in front of you: this boy, with his long hair, his tender eyes, his perfect smile, his infectious laugh, his warm hugs was it, was yours, forever. You smiled at him and he smiled at you as his mind pieced together the same thing.

“How did I get so lucky?” he asked and you laughed in response. “I wanted it to be you. From the moment I met you, I wanted this” he said. You nodded vigorously in agreement, your instant connection so many months ago making so much sense now.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked quietly.

You nodded more vigorously as he brought your lips to his.

He wanted nothing more than to lose himself in you, but was reassured by the fact that he’d have eternity to do so as he pressed his lips softly to yours, savoring the feeling, and the way you pressed into him, opening up to him almost immediately, grasping his shirt and pulling him against you, against the counter as you hummed in response, your pain long forgotten as the pleasure of his body, his heart beating against your own took over. He ran his fingers into your hair as his tongue tangled with yours and he swore nothing in the world would ever compare to this.

taglist: @ietss, @gillybear17, @palmwinemami, @sweetestdesire, @softcoremaybank, @one-sweet-gubler, @m-indkiller

#jj maybank #jj maybank fanfiction #obx jj #obx jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #obxweek23 #jj maybank fluff #jj maybank x you #jj maybank imagine #jj obx #outerbanks jj #jj outer banks #jj x reader #obx fanfiction

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queerfables · 1 year ago

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Taking away the glass?

Oh gosh I'm actually so keen to talk about this so thank you for the opening!

Context: Responding to akaitsukicat's artwork of Crowley and Aziraphale separated by a glass wall, I said that the reason we're all such wrecks over their kiss is because after 6000 years in canon and 33 years in real life, that kiss was "taking away the glass".

The glass is a metaphor that media scholar Henry Jenkins uses to explain the appeal of slash, originally published in 1993. Here, "slash" refers to queer re-interpretation of heterosexual media, including transformative works exploring those readings.

This is what Jenkins says about the glass:

When I try to explain slash to non-fans, I often reference that moment in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan where Spock is dying and Kirk stands there, a wall of glass separating the two longtime buddies. Both of them are reaching out towards each other, their hands pressed hard against the glass, trying to establish physical contact. They both have so much they want to say and so little time to say it. Spock calls Kirk his friend, the fullest expression of their feelings anywhere in the series. Almost everyone who watches the scene feels the passion the two men share, the hunger for something more than what they are allowed. And, I tell my nonfan listeners, slash is what happens when you take away the glass. The glass, for me, is often more social than physical; the glass represents those aspects of traditional masculinity which prevent emotional expressiveness or physical intimacy between men, which block the possibility of true male friendship. Slash is what happens when you take away those barriers and imagine what a new kind of male friendship might look like. One of the most exciting things about slash is that it teaches us how to recognize the signs of emotional caring beneath all the masks by which traditional male culture seeks to repress or hide those feelings.

The vid I refer to, inspired by Jenkin's comments, is The Glass by thingswithwings. It's a beautiful vid, sad and hopeful and empowering, with a very moving commentary on fandom history. It was originally published in 2008, which is relevant to understanding the position it takes in the dialogue around queer relationships in media.

Here's thingswithwings' summary of the vid, as it appears on YouTube:

Henry Jenkins, speaking of the Spock death scene from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, said, "slash is what happens when you take away the glass." It has been said, in response, that death also happens when you take away the glass. ie, if you took away the glass Kirk would die of radiation poisoning too; the barrier between desiring men cannot be removed on pain of death. Homosexuality, or just loving touch between two people of the same gender, is equivalent to death in this media narrative. One of the interesting things about slash is the way it takes away the glass, then puts it back, then takes it away, then puts it back, often pleasurably. I think this is both problematic and powerful. It is problematic because it reasserts the impossibility of the touch (it fetishizes oppression in a negative manner); it is powerful - and good - because it dwells on and thinks about and removes the glass (it fetishizes oppression in a transformative manner). One of the interesting things about mainstream media is that it continues to put the glass back up, no matter how hard we try to tear it down. Queer desiring touches have been, and remain, imaginable but impossible. TL;DR ALTERNATE SUMMARY: THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME KIND OF INVISIBLE BARRIER IDK WHAT IT MIGHT BE

In regards to Good Omens, it's relevant that this entire conversation about homosocial relationships in media takes place within the 29 year period between the publication of Good Omens the book and the adaptation of the story to screen. The vid was created 15 years ago - which is to say 18 years after the book was published and 11 years before season 1 was released - and it talks about realised queer desire in mainstream media as being so impossible that it is equivalent to death. That is the kind of resistance that queer representation in pop culture has been up against, these last three decades.

Crowley/Aziraphale, as depicted in the book, is such a classic example of slash. I've seen some people who read the book in a contemporary context saying they didn't necessarily pick up on any subtext between the characters, and I suspect this is a mark of cultural expectations. Firstly, because the cultural references that the intentional subtext relies on have become obscured over time - see Neil Gaiman's explanation of the "consenting cycle repairmen" line. But more importantly because the audience's frame of reference for unintentional subtext has shifted, too. What is unsayable and which silences are emotionally loaded has changed over time. Even if you are intentionally using a queer lens in your reading, you might not see subtext in the same places that someone would even 10 years ago.

For example, take this passage from the book:

On the whole, neither [Aziraphale] nor Crowley would have chosen each other's company, but they were both men, or at least men-shaped creatures, of the world, and the Arrangement had worked to their advantage all this time. Besides, you grew accustomed to the only other face that had been around more or less consistently for six millennia.

On it's face, this line suggests that the relationship between the two of them is a matter of convenience more than desire. Maybe that's the intended reading and maybe that's how it started or how they justify their association to themselves, but taken together with how deeply they know each other and how they are always each other's first thought in a crisis, suddenly "neither would have chosen the other's company" sounds like an extremely British way to say they care about each other far more than they were supposed to. Plus, this is Aziraphale's take on their relationship, and it plays rather beautifully against Crowley's much simpler expression of the exact same sentiment:

Aziraphale. The Enemy, of course. But an enemy for six thousand years now, which made him a sort of friend.

To go back to Henry Jenkin's wise words, what we're seeing here is Aziraphale thinking about Crowley through the glass - through the "aspects of traditional masculinity which prevent emotional expressiveness or physical intimacy between men". If you came up in slash fandom at a time when seeing queer relationships in canon was unthinkable, you probably find it easier to identify the gap between how Aziraphale thinks about his relationship with Crowley and how their relationship actually functions. That gap was where a lot of slash lived.

You might say that the book shows Crowley and Aziraphale watching each other through the glass, and season 1 is them pressing up against it. They're still prevented from showing the full depth of feeling between them, they still hunger for more than they're allowed, but they are reaching for it. We see the history of their relationship developing through the ages. The unsayable is still left unsaid, but we feel the weight of it in everything they do. They come so very close but they still can't cross that threshold.

And then there's season 2. Within the text, Crowley and Aziraphale are not just pressing against the glass, they're actively trying to dismantle it. They're searching for a door to the other side. They're inspecting for weak points where they could cut their way through. And then suddenly they're out of time and out of options and the glass is still between them, and there's nothing they can do.

As the audience, you feel that desperation. You feel that grief. And if you're someone who's been watching the glass go back up on every relationship you thought might stand a chance of tearing it down, it hits hard. You're longing vicariously with the characters, but you're longing for yourself too, to see queer desire made possible. To see queer touch made not just imaginable but real.

And then, with all hope lost, Crowley throws himself through the glass. It doesn't matter that it doesn't save them. They kiss and it changes everything. Queer desire is no longer up for debate. Queer touch is no longer impossible. They kiss and the glass shatters, entirely and irrevocably.

This is why it matters so much that they did kiss, even though the love between them was already undeniable. For thirty years, Crowley and Aziraphale were part of a media landscape that relentlessly reinforced the glass at every turn and flooded fatal radiation through any crack they couldn't fix. In a different context, that kiss would be less vital to affirming their relationship. But in the world we live in, with the specific history that this story has, I don't think anything else could have done what it did. The glass between these characters had been reinforced over decades, in a culture that made the barriers to open intimacy between men inescapable. Their kiss was what it took to break it.

And by shattering the glass, this story has fundamentally rewritten what is possible. It proves the rules preventing true affection between people of the same gender can be defied. Queer people are already becoming more visible in pop culture; we're no longer reliant on slash reimagining queer longing between heterosexual leads. But Crowley and Aziraphale's kiss is cathartic and vindicating in an entirely different way. It turns slash into intentional queerness. It takes a fetishisation of oppression vacillating between problematic and transformative, and finally stands up on the side of powerful, empowering transformation. It confronts the barriers that once rendered this desiring touch impossible, and breaks through them once and for all.

That's what taking away the glass means. That's what Good Omens did.

#good omens #good omens meta #taking away the glass #fandom history #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #fable talks good omens

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cialovesklopp · 1 year ago

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𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐀 𝐌𝐀𝐍 ➺ k.mbappé

��𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 — realizing that one is actually in love is a process being done with your best friends

𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 — kylian mbappé x amara imani (oc)

𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 — 6.2k

𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆 — actually don't know why this chapter was so difficult to write so i hope it turned out fine. it's kind of a filler chapter but only preparing you for what's about to come also wanna thank my bestie @cl16version for helping me write this chapter, don't think i would have finished without her

mon amour — masterlist

every relationship is built on love and trust. both so different and yet, deep down, are based on the same fundament.

the history of love and its different types went back decades; maybe even centuries. in definition, english literature has found it to be a simple feeling of deep affection and intimacy. but it was also the same english literary, that had given the word « love » a much important, higher meaning.

shakespeare’s romeo and juliet had opened the world to different types of love, erasing the standard of the typical love scenarios known to the world and making place for the difficult and painful ones. but whether it was the most powerful one, had never been known to humans.

were feelings of hatred and disdain turned into passionate feelings stronger than the love, built up on years of friendship? the affection that grew after years of true care for each other? the true kind of love could not find its veritable definition. the connection based on the free will of two people somehow defied physics when it was analyzed deeply.

but trust was not any easier. in fact it turned out to be even harder because how could one person be able to trust another person blindly? when one doesn’t even trust himself, how would one be able to trust another human, with the same flaws as itself?

for amara, love had always been somewhat suspicious to her. the idea of sharing herself to another person, letting that person into the deepest parts of her did not seem very appealing to her. she could never truly let go of her. if you wanted to love her, you had to satisfy yourself with the 90% she allowed you to have. and yet, even with her carefulness and high-alert to it, she had trusted and given 95% of herself.

she couldn’t trust anymore — how could she? not when the additional five percent she had allowed evan to have, had been used against her. he had humiliated her before breaking her heart. the stepping and trashing of it did not help her very much. but the trust she had given away and it had been misused, she would always cry after it.

evan and her had lived in completely different worlds and yet a whisper of media and suddenly they found themselves on the same platform. maybe if she never had gone to that beauty event, he wouldn’t have talked to her. and her so-called friends could have never pushed her to seek after him if they hadn’t been captured by the press. the moment she would have tasted the poison of him — the moment she should read the articles of him and her instead of crushing on him — she would’ve spit him out and left his radar at the first chance she would have got.

she had been naive back then. a child thrown into the celebrity world with no one to guide her, fresh meat for the hungry wolves, just waiting for a weak lamb to stumble upon them. it was clear that he had used her — the young rising star, being thrown into the industry without any knowledge — it was easy to use her. to amara, evan represented the false friend, the crisis of her faith when she had not been sure whether to even accept his invitation.

amara had seen the red flags and deliberately chosen to ignore them — her first mistake. she knew she should have left him when he had started downgrading her but she stayed — her second mistake. another door had opened when she had met his parents and they had undermined her, racist side marks the entire evening and she had taken them all and yet she had stayed. another mistake. there had been so many signs that she had chosen to ignore — simply, because he had made her feel loved, desired. and the bullet had hit her when her safety bubble had burst.

it had never been clear to her what had been her motive. why she couldn’t have just gone on her way instead of blushing and attire his attention. evan had never made it worth staying, amara realized as she looked back even though deep down she knew the reason. why she had never left.

evan had always given her enough to make her stay, ignore the bright red flags and issues he had. she had been young, a fresh adult with no experiences on love. he had realized quickly, he had enough good to make her stay through the bad. to never even question a leave. she endured cheating scandals because he knew how to win her back, he knew how to make the bad outweigh the good for a moment before all began again.

in the end, she celebrated his love and he tolerated it.

she regretted a lot of thing but mostly, the loss of her innocent adult years. where memories used to be things that made her smile and not emotions that could be used as weapon. every touch he had left on her had turned out to be a scar, ugly and dark, carving her for life. she had not planned on trusting again.

and then life introduced her to kylian.

he somehow made the idea of love less disgusting. showed her the kind type of love that also existed. that next to painful and unstable it could also be reassuring and calming. still it wasn’t sufficient for an “us”. and kylian was left, picking up the pieces.

the longer she stayed in her relationship, the smaller the pieces got, her heart breaking so many times, some pieces would never be found again. but kylian had found a solution — he would fill the gaps with love. and somehow it was working and she found herself falling again, the easy part of love.

their relationship was blooming like the first flower fighting her way through after decades of ice growing over its ground. he broke the high walls that had built around her, had formed a security wall. a new bond had been created between them, building and strengthening over their deepness and the easiness of being vulnerable in front of each other.

that they knew where they were standing with each other, made it even easier for amara. she could be open with kylian, there were no overthinkings with him, no contemplating. her relationship with kylian allowed her to be her own true self.

and the changes of it were quickly recognisable, with smiles becoming more and more frequent. gloomy eyes were replaced with bright grins and her eyes were slowly starting to regain their twinkle back, the origin of her success and career.

with kylian waiting for amara to get her trust and confidence back, the singer started to open up more, go back to her old sunshine-self as she had been known as. the balance in her life was restoring, equalizing her career and private life again. and amara could go back to living in bliss, actually experiencing the innocent feeling of amore, she had not been allowed to feel during her time with evan.

she was falling hard like a plane flying straight-down to the ground. the overwhelming rush of emotions flooding her heart, becoming more and more each second she passed with the french striker. the realization had struck her at night, as she had worked on her song, hitting her with the speed of lighting: she was undeniably in love with him.

she was swimming in a sea of emotions, with no shore or land in sight. her eyes viewed kylian in a different light now — he wasn’t the charming footballer anymore, with easygoing and playful character. instead he had upgraded to the man, who had giving her inspiration again. her muse and for amara, this held higher significance than anything else.

how she had ever lived without him, she didn’t know. how could she have made all these days in Paris without the air in her apartment spreading the scent of love and comfort, the certain safety that looked everywhere whenever he was there. she cherished every second spent in his presence, treasuring each moment as if it were a precious gem.

Amara had given kylian everything. she was willing to repeat her mistake, let him have a part of her she had never given away before. all the times she stood in front of the mirror and since the entry of his life, all of sudden she saw herself different. as if she had never seen herself before.

and kylian knew she was scared. he was aware she was hoping to be spared of all this, the process of falling in love again, afraid of all those dark feelings returning from her previous failed relationship. but she wasn’t alone in her feelings. deep down, he was scared too, angst sometimes lurking in his mind as he thought about her and their growing relationship. but just as quickly as those feelings came, they were gone again and it all started to make sense to him again — he would take the leap of faith anytime again.

they would never admit to each other just how much the other meant to them — both afraid to overstep boundaries.

it was the reason why kylian would never know how much it meant to her when he would hold her, press tiny kisses on her temple when they sat down to watch a movie. how it was able to change the way she saw herself when he complimented her. she was willing to give herself to him if he accepted the part of her, she had never let loose before.

and amara would never know, she was the reason, he was being himself again. she would never hold the knowledge that the night they had met, had been for him to grow out of his misery after his own failed relationship. how her messages transferred smiles onto his faces that even his teammates started to grow suspicious.

a certain vulnerability loomed over them, their hearts exposed to the other. and that same vulnerability was covered with soft smiles, silent confessions of love, glimpses into the depths of each others’ souls. love had the power to transform, to shape and create. it was able to bury insecurities, flaws, hatred… love had the power to give new beginnings to old things.

especially in her case, love had given her something so important, it had given her inspiration, a new muse for her music. kylian fitted her in every way possible. even more because he loved her just because she — in his eyes. in his eyes she wasn’t amara imani, and he had fallen in love with her plain self, with her just being amara.

she didn’t need to be more to make his world lighten up, her laugh was enough. and she didn’t need to wear makeup to be the most beautiful girl in the room — she could wear a potato bag and still win miss universe in his opinion.

sometimes even the simplest of loves were the most beautiful ones. the one, where one could see how trust and love were built around moments spent with each other, finding your soulmate, best friend in your loved one. world’s could never describe how this was an entire different feeling from just falling in love. and loving every part, every flaw and still seeing beauty was another different thing.

even to herself, amara couldn’t explain why kylian’s laugh attracted her so much. it could have been his body, after all he was built very well, his face, his status — but no, for amara the most attractive thing on kylian was his smile.

she started to drown out, not even listening anymore but just memorizing his smile to the finest detail. the way, kylian couldn’t help but to laugh before even recounting what had happened that made him burst into laughter like this. she gazed at him with so much love in her eyes, adoration, fondness. his giggles filled the air, tearing all of amara’s attention to them as he recounted with animated gestures. the last thing she remembered was that something funny at training session had happened today but what exactly it was, she didn’t know. by then she had already completely spaced out, staring at kylian instead and his smile.

the time passed with amara and kylian are still lost in each other’s company. they both enjoyed the moments where they did not have to wear a mask, could be completely themselves. they were only amara and kylian with each. two normal persons, trying to navigate their way through life. but of course, they couldn’t escape it forever, time and responsibilities always caught up.

glancing at the clock, she gasped when she saw how late it already was. truthfully, for their standards, it wasn’t really late but she knew kylian had an away match tomorrow and couldn’t afford to be tired there.

“kylian,” she began softly, nudging the french forwards’ shoulder, “it’s late. you need to go.”

“are you trying to get rid of me?” he retorted jokingly, grinning at her.

she rolled her eyes, amusement clear on her face, “never. but you have an away match and i kind of don’t fancy you being benched.”

he gasped, putting a hand on his heart dramatically. “omg, you actually care for me.” he exclaimed, his grin spreading wider when she lightly slapped him neck this time. “but are you actually going to watch my match this weekend?”

“you’re acting as if i haven’t watched your last two matches.” she replied sarcastically.

kylian waved dismissively, “yeah but we lost those. and i’m really sure we’re going to win this one. and, i don’t mean to brag, but i kind of am a big deal so it should be really entertaining.”

amara bursted out laughing, placing a hand in front of her mouth to stop her but it was useless. “sure…,” she trailed off, a mocking tone distinguishable in her voice. “it’s not like i have anything better to do this weekend, no of course not. i can already feel how excited i am to watch you run after a ball for one and a half hours.”

“glad to know this is how you feel about me,” kylian replied, his face scrunching up which made amara laugh even more.

“you should start selling tickets just for people to watch you, not the team but just you.” amara suggested, “it’ll be called the donatello experience, after all you do kind of look like him. but the wish version.” she added, squirming when kylian suddenly started to tickle her.

her laughter rang through the entire apartment, her begs going down in laughs as kylian tickled her all over. it was perfect. this moment was everything her and even were not and for the first time in a long time. amara was not thinking about her worries, the only thing on her mind was kylian - her kylian. she knew that god was a woman, but her favorite angel was definitely kylian.

“you think it’s an insult, i take it as a compliment,” he stated proudly and amara raised her eyebrows, an incredulous expression on her face at his words. “but you know, you’re kind of right. i should definitely start the mbappé experience. i mean after all, who wouldn’t want to see this beauty,” he let a hand run down his face, posing extravagantly which started another small laugh flash of amara.

“people would start reclaiming their money if they spent it to watch you fall every twenty minutes. but what’s money when you can watch the imperialistic, majestic, phenomenal kylian mbappé try to score goals, right?”

“ha ha,” he replied dryly, glaring at the singer in front of him. “aren’t you funny?”

amara smirked, mischievous glint in her eyes, “i know i am. you don’t have to remind me.”

“and people say, i have a big ego,” kylian muttered under his breath, but still loud enough for amara to hear, “they clearly haven’t met you.”

“your ego is bigger than france itself,” amara retorted, “i’m just trying to match your energy.”

“glad we’re on the same page.”

“of course we are. if it wasn’t for me, who would remind you of your frequent moments of mediocrity and knock you off your high horse?” amara explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “i’ll be here, sitting on my couch, cheering you on as i watch you miss a penalty by a mile.”

instead of answering with another sarcastic comment, the french striker stood up and pulled off the blue psg-hoodie he was wearing. amara’s eyes widened as she spotted his abs, clearly visible through the tight white shirt he was wearing beneath. he threw it into amara’s lap without another word, the smell of his cologne immediately picked up by her nose.

“you’re giving me your hoodie? what for? i can easily order myself a psg jersey,” she questioned, looking at him confused.

he shrugged dismissively again, “faut que je encourage mon plus grand supporter, tu ne trouve pas? without whose words, i probably wouldn’t have scored my incoming hattrick.” — don’t you think?

she pulled the sweatshirt closer to her chest and put it on, laughing as she saw how big it was on her body. “aww, thank you. you thought of me. to how many girls have you already given this?”

“none,” kylian replied deadpan, nodding in affirmation when amara raised her eyebrows. “you’re the first.”

“i feel honored, thank you so much. maybe, i’ll sell it on ebay.” she said cheerfully and threw a last glance at the time on her phone. “kylian, you really need to go now if you don’t plan on warming the bench tomorrow.”

he held his hands up in surrender. “d’accord, je m’en vais déjà.” — okay, i’m already leaving

kylian lifted himself up from the sofa, reaching for his belongings. amara quickly put on some slippers and accompanied him to the door, in a way it felt like this was a death march. as if amara would never see him again, which was quite the opposite in reality. they had spent the whole day together, yet it felt like it wasn’t enough. to the two of them not even forever could fill their need for one another, and with kylian going away for a match. their need to be close to each other had never been stronger.

they stood at the door, looking at each other, their regards completely enamored. his hand brushed gently against hers, surroundings entirely drowning out. for some reason, this goodbye felt different. the usual warmth was discernible in his eyes, the smell of his cologne filled the air, intensified this time because of his hoodie that was gracing her body, a comfortable atmosphere laid around them. and yet, neither moved. they were caught in their moment.

it reminded amara of their first meeting, the morning after. when they had been at his apartment and she was in kylian’s position. they would have stayed there too for hours if her phone hadn’t rang. but this time, there were no distractions. it was just the two of them, waiting for the other to make a move and yet neither of the two wanted to disrupt the moment.

he contemplated in his head, mind running high — was this the moment he had longed for? when she would finally make a step forward instead of her three steps back each time something like this happened? all he wanted to do at the moment was to take her head into his palms and press his lips on hers. but he also knew that it wouldn’t be fair towards her.

she needed the time to heal and move forward from her insecurities, her doubts about love. and he had sworn to himself several times to give it to her. he could wait for years, it would be okay. she was the only woman in his thoughts at the moment. they didn’t need to rush. for him, it was the most obvious thing that he liked her in every kind of way. they could be in a room full of diamonds and yet she would still shine the brightest.

he leaned down, close enough to hear amara’s heart beat pound quickly, his lips brushing her skin swiftly as he pressed a soft kiss on her cheek. for a second everything stood still, the earth stopped in its tracks. and it was just them, as the innocent gesture made them both freeze. was it the wrong decision? maybe. was it too soon? maybe. but all kylian could say was he did not regret it.

the kiss did not leave them unbothered. the sensation of his touch, his skin on hers sent shivers down her spine, the spot where he had kissed her burning with heat. and yet she felt a bit of disappointment. a part of her had thought it would have been more, longed for more.

and kylian somehow sensed it. he could feel her bit of disappointment that was going through her. he placed her hands in his, smiling at her fondly, so much love in his gesture, “i know you’re disappointed. but i did not want our first kiss to be a goodbye kiss. i promised myself, i would make our first kiss unforgettable and wait till you’re ready for us.”

as he spoke, how could she be mad at him? when he was that considerate of her feelings; when he was able to read her like an open book? she looked up at him, eyes reflecting every of her emotions that she currently felt and a smile broke out on her lips.

“will you wait forever?”

“if you want me too, i will.”

“you’re too good for me, ky,” amara muttered, still playing with the footballer’s hands.

he shook his head, her smile mirroring on his face, “not too good. just perfect.” he leaned his back towards the wall, watching their reflection in the mirror. “he didn’t deserve you. he never did.”

as they slowly, with lots of reluctance let go of each other’s hands, another atmosphere built up. they didn’t have to say anything, they knew what they thought. next to the warmth and love filling the air, there was also a sense of safety. they felt safe with each other. she wasn’t just amara anymore, the person he fell in love with and wanted to show her his love. she had changed into amara, the person he felt safe with that he loved.

the first time they had been in this situation, the roles were reversed and he had to hold on to the hope of it all, that they would meet again. that she wouldn’t push him back, and she hadn’t. so even though she had never been his, he had lived for her. given things up for her because his sense of amore had been so innocent, so hopeful that their faiths would intertwine.

“so… i can count on you cheering me on from your couch?”

she nodded firmly, “no place i would rather be at that time,” she replied in the same cheerful tone, her soft smile still decorating her face. “by the way, it wouldn’t have been a goodbye kiss,” she added as kylian stepped through the door, her words making the french forward stop and turn around.

“well, this isn’t a goodbye, cherié,” he responded, “just a, see you soon.”

both were grinning widely when amara closed the door behind her. a cocktail of emotions rushed through her, her mind replaying the past few minutes in her head over and over. her hand reached for her cheek, the touch of his lips on her cheek still recent. even as she sat down on the couch, her mind still thought back to the moment they had shared at the door, their step forward.

even kylian couldn’t wipe the smile of his face as he made his way home. he ignored the questionable look from his chauffeur, his mind still thinking back to the moment that had just happened. the soft and gentle kiss he had left on her cheek held much more significance. it was a symbol for their step forward.

𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄:

AMARA: i kind of miss you guys scratch that, i actually miss you so much

LIYAH: this bitch drunk again?

r u drunk again? you’re only emotional when you’re drunk

AMARA: can’t a girl miss her besties

GRACE: nah, she’s definitely drunk we literally talk to each other over the phone every day in case you forgot, i’m your pr-manager

AMARA: choke i’m not drunk i just miss seeing you, it’s been weeks

GRACE: aww, we miss seeing your beautiful face too

GRACE: but she’s kind of right, it’s actually been kind of long since we all saw each other

AMARA: paris is lonely without y’all next girls night out is on me

LIYAH: we’re sorry not everybody can go into hiding immediately

AMARA: acting as if i did this on purpose anyway i’m bored by the way, did you see the article about e*an and his girlfriend at the MTV awards?

LIYAH. i thought we agreed not to talk about this asshole anymore BUT LIKE SAME AND THE WAY THEY’RE SAYING, YOUR THE ONE LEFT BEHIND

GRACE: we can always sue them if you want this was more than just talking about henderson and his new trophy girlfriend they woke up and chose violence

AMARA: it’s the part where they say ‘i pale in comparison to her’ like, i’m sorry my job is not to just sit still and look pretty

LIYAH: that nepo baby has probably never worked even lifted a finger to work for something

GRACE: don’t worry i’ll take care of it and e*an will definitely eat his words “not truly working between us” THAT BITCH

AMARA: his text messages say different but who cares?

GRACE: do me the favour though and don’t go on social media rn, it’s shitty there

LIYAH: gracey’s kind of right, it does look bad at the moment AMARA: dw wasn’t planning to anyway, i’m over it already so liyah, how was fashion week?

LIYAH: great lots of free alcohol and great clothes

AMARA: where was it again?

LIYAH: in the south of france monaco = lots of casinos and alcohol

GRACE: speaking of monaco…

LIYAH: yesssss

AMARA: liyahhhhhhhh

LIYAH: amaraaaaaaaa

AMARA: WHAT’S THIS GRACE JUST SEND ME PRIVATELY? YOU HAVE A NEW MAN? YOU BAGGED CHARLES LECLERC!!!!

GRACE: AND SHE PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE TOLD US IF WE DIDN'T ASK AFTER FASHION WEEK

LIYAH: guys….

AMARA:

THIS YOU?

LIYAH: i didn’t know it spread this quick but let me add, his ferrari collection>>>>> and he feeds me pasta everyday

GRACE:

SPILL BITCH

AMARA: yess, we wanna know the deeds how did this shit happen

LIYAH: well, i was supposed to go on blind date but asshole never showed up charles ordered me a bottle of wine and joined me later than, apparently he saw me being sad

GRACE: omgggg

one night stand??

LIYAH: nahhh we went on a few days before he popped the question and he’s literally amazing skilled everywhere

AMARA: damn, girl not even james made you swoon like that

GRACE: she deep in

LIYAH: james could have never let’s not disrespect charles like that james would have never let me drive his pista

AMARA:

PISTA? A FERRARI PISTA

LIYAH: he has a customized one

AMARA:

JEALOUSSSS (don’t you dare quote my song now)

GRACE: but like, how’s it going?

LIYAH: he’s so charming and cute and perfect. i feel like every adjective i try to use does not fit, it’s too good. and his smile — his smile is adorable. especially with his dimples. impossible not to fall for him.”

AMARA:

WE NEED TO MEET HIM ASAP

GRACE: he got our girl down bad

AMARA: she’s actually in love

LIYAH: but like jokes aside, i really like him like him and me are

there are no situationships, no toxic exes it’s perfection — well, more like he’s perfection and brings out the best in me

AMARA: she’s in love let’s hope he doesn’t screw it up like james did.

GRACE: if he does, ferrari red won’t be the only one he’s seeing

AMARA: but we can’t wait to meet him in person

LIYAH: how about we stop talking about my man and focus on the reason, amara’s hyped again

GRACE: YES CAUSE WHY IS THIS BITCH CALLING ME AT TWO O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING

LIYAH: AND DON’T EVEN TRY TO DENY IT WE’VE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS

GRACE: SPILL THE BEANS

AMARA: don’t know what you’re talking about there’s no one

LIYAH: at least try to sound convincing

we’re your best friends your soul sisters

GRACE: by definition it’s our job to pry into your life

LIYAH: TELL US, WHO GOT YOU DOWN

AMARA: fine so there’s this guy, kylian and we met here

LIYAH: SHE ACTUALLY HAS A MAN

GRACE:

AMARA: not gonna lie my heart is going crazy for him like he is kind of perfect

GRACE: OMGGG WHAT HAS THIS BITCH BEEN KEEPING FROM US

LIYAH: SPILL what’s he like?

AMARA: he’s incredibly talented firstly and his smile could literally light up a room

LIYAH: IT’S GETTING GOOD

AMARA: idk how to describe but like we just click, we don’t have to say anything but immediately understand each other and he’s actually making me laugh and keeps up with my sarcasm

GRACE:

LIYAH: SHE IS DOWN BAD

GRACE: does he know you feel bout him that way?

AMARA: he knows like, we both know that we have feelings but i told him, i’m not ready and he understands that said, he was willing to wait for me

GRACE: KEEP HIM

LIYAH: HE’S PERFECT

GRACE: what does he even look like?

AMARA:

LIYAH: WHO IS THAT? WAIT I THINK I KNOW HIM

GRACE: DAMN AMARA WHAT THE HELL BITCH HOW COULD YOU KEEP HIM FROM US

LIYAH: HE’S THAT PLAYER FROM PSG RIGHT? THE FRENCH STRIKER SCORED THREE GOALS IN THE WC FINAL??

GRACE: A FOOTBALL PLAYER? AMARA??? INCOMING FACETIME CALL:

giggling, amara accepted the call quickly, her smile widening as she stared at her two best friends. her laugh intensified, looking at liyah’s serious face.

“usually, i am the first to veto football players but if he’s anything like what you told us,” liyah trailed off excitingly, “if you don’t go for him, i will personally smack the shit out of you.” liyah threatened jokingly, “that man literally has you smiling like the cheshire cat and—”

“is that his hoodie?” grace cut her off, pointing at the navy blue sweatshirt on amara’s body. their eyes immediately spotted the small number seven, engraved at the top corner of the shirt.

she looked away shyly, nodding and instantly laughing at the shocked faces of her friends. “he gave it to me, sort of support. said that, if i can’t come to his matches, then at least i’ll be supporting him through my phone.”she explained, smiling brightly.

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” grace questioned her incredulously, while liyah was still looking for words to describe the behavior of their friend. “HE IS DOWN FOR YOU.”

“girls, it’s not that easy. i like him, i truly do but things are not the same for me as they were for you and charles.” amara muttered, her smile shining less. “i can’t just go for him.”

their expressions were soft, a certain fondness for their best friend recognizable as they looked at her. liyah spoke first, “if this is because of evan, i can promise you, it’s not going to be like that the next time. this time, we’re here and not those fake, backstabbing snakes. and the moment we see a red flag in kylian, we’ll make sure he never ever plays football again.”

she sighed heavily, hands running frustratingly over her face. “i am a mess at the moment. i can’t even step outside because of this stupid scandal. and he’s kylian, france’s golden boy. he doesn’t deserve to be dragged down because of me.” she confessed, a heavy weight falling off her shoulders.

“amara, the last thing you need to do is think of yourself as a burden.” grace told her in a scolding tone, “kylian is old enough to choose whom he wants to associate himself with. and if chose you, that’s because he likes you. you literally said that he was willing to wait till you were ready to move forward.”

“men like them only come once in a lifetime,” liyah added to support grace’s statement. “and sometimes you just have to trust. don’t take this as me pushing you to get into a relationship but we want you to figure it out. you’re the only one who knows when you’re ready or not and neither your reputation nor your career are going to change that. it’s just you.”

“is it even a good idea for two celebrities to date? i don’t need a repeat of what happened with evan. this thing escalates again and i’m done,” she explained worriedly. “i am trying to rise from the ashes. i can do it once but if this fails, i can’t do it twice. and the risk of it is too high for me.”

amara jumped when suddenly a pillow was thrown towards the camera, rolling her eyes lightly at liyah’s antics. she was known for her way of always overdramatizing everything.

this time was no different.

“mar, honestly i don’t really know if kylian is the right guy. the only thing I know though is that he cares. and maybe he’s not the right person. but at least you’ll have tried.” grace assured her, smiling softly at her while liyah held her thumbs up. “sometimes you have to kiss several frogs to find your prince.”

“you’ve got no idea how thankful i am for this,” she replied thankfully, accepting grace’s advice. “truly do not know where i would be without you two.”

standing up from the sofa, she rummaged through her notebooks till she found the one she had opened recently and wrote her newest song down. she brought it back to her place, sitting down again and listening to her two best friends talk as she edited her lyrics. she must have spaced out very quickly since suddenly, a high pitched scream was heard through her phone.

“OMG, SHE’S WRITING!” liyah exclaimed, making amara look up in shock. she was met with a gleeful expression on liyah’s face, looking at the camera and a similar looking one on grace. “NEW MUSIC IS COMING!”

grace shook her head at liyah even though they were used to it by now. “is that the project you told me about? the one from two o’clock in the morning?”

amara gave a nod and smiled at the excitement in her friends’ faces. “songwriting is on again, i guess.”

“you said, you were taking a pause.”

“no, i was just in a slump because of my mediocre second album,” amara objected quickly, “but now i’m high on motivation again and i’m keen on beating those critics and haters, who called me forgettable.”

“is the song already finished?” grace asked her curiously. “do you want me to arrange something for recording or?”

amara closed the small notebook, placing it on the table in front of her. “no, i want to write several ones before i even think of going to the studio. like i said, this time i need to exceed. not just reach my expectation but exceed them. and i’m going to do that.”

“damn, where’s the inspiration coming from?” liyah exclaimed.

amara smirked, mischievous glint apparent in her eyes. “he gave it to me.”

𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄:

AMARA: kylian? u awake?

KYLIAN: always

AMARA: i actually wrote a song today

KYLIAN: it’s mine right?

AMARA: score a goal for me and we’ll see

KYLIAN: this is torture

AMARA: writing a song is not for everyone takes time and patience not that you’d know

KYLIAN: can i at least know what it’s about?

AMARA: about a certain football player who thinks he’s the best in world and needs to be humbled with a disstrack

KYLIAN:

a disstrack? when have i ever offended you

AMARA: i rate constantly stealing my food as a crime by the way, shouldn’t you be asleep right now you have a match tomorrow

KYLIAN: one we’ll easily win

AMARA: boy, you’re not man city get off your high horse

KYLIAN: your ego is just as bad as mine i never even asked you what’s your favorite team?

AMARA: olympique marseille a shame, they’re always losing in classicos

KYLIAN: fr now

AMARA: liverpool fc ynwa always cheers me up and now go to sleep before i block you i expect a hat-trick tomorrow

KYLIAN: i’ll even score four if that makes you happier

AMARA: don’t tempt me mbappé

KYLIAN: don’t block me pls

AMARA: then go to bed

KYLIAN: fine maman

AMARA:

165 notes · View notes

blush-and-books · 6 months ago

Text

short darvey drabble that i wrote awhile ago and feel like impulsively sharing!!! canonverse, a little over 1k word count, just... tension and pining and a little dash of angst!!

She remembers it happening for the first time – and, consequently, last time – after her and Mark come to a disappointed and inconclusive end.

Harvey calls her, he calls because he hates texting with the stupid little keys on his phone and hates how any message he types out sounds like he’s pissed off unless he adds a smiley face like Donna tried to tell him to do, so he calls her instead. First for business, then to joke about Louis and hear her laugh over the phone, and then–

“How was your night with Mark?”

It was so easy for him. After the other time, how he just slipped into being her best friend and boss while she warded off a demon of a crush, it all seemed so simple. Ask about her boyfriend, ask about her mom and complain about the recent episode of Survivor, all the while she still feels like she is miles from normal. Something about him – between licking whipped cream off of her collar bone and sweeping her away to a shiny new law firm – rooted itself inside of her head.

She dates and flirts and goes out. She acts normal.

She starts turning on the intercom to his office just to hear his voice.

“Well, uh– We broke up last night, actually.”

There’s a moment of quiet. Donna kind of hopes that Harvey can just say “well, his loss” and get over it, but instead: “What’d he do?”

Donna blinks at her cup full of steaming coffee and somehow comes back into herself. “What do you mean?”

“I mean what did he do? You didn’t just decide to end it.”

Her response patiently sits at the tip of her tongue. Any hyper-specific and borderline ridiculous cause of death for her and Mark’s relationship that would be believable to Harvey, make him laugh, make him drop this–

But Donna has a problem.

A couple problems, actually. The first being that she doesn't like lying to Harvey. Sometimes, the intimacy of how she knows him and the increasing realization that he knows significantly less about her gives her the urge to open it all up – diaries and locked memories and she just wants him to know everything, she’s dying for it, to be understood by him. She knows everything about him and feels adoration flush with every fact – if he knew her in the same way, in the dark corners and sparkled eyes and coffee orders, couldn’t he love her just like this?

Love her with everything, because of everything?

The second problem is that even though it burns her, she likes to stick her hand into fire and see how long it takes for the pain to register. Donna will bait him and open doors for him and he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings so he does not take it, but she’ll keep trying until he gives her something new to hold onto.

So here she goes, again.

“You’re right, because I didn’t. He did.”

It’s just a friend telling a friend about the end of a relationship.

It doesn’t have to be–

“Oh.” Yeah. “... Was it because of me?”

The fire stokes. Donna’s heart blisters, because yes, it was fucking because of Harvey, and how dare he even have the nerve to ask her a question like that after everything?

She loves him with so much rage that it sours to venom for her to spit out.

“Not everything is about you, Harvey.” It’s not even true.

Looking back, Donna does not even remember what Harvey said in response to that. But she knows that she would remember if he ever asked about her dating life again – she draws a blank, because he never did.

–

It’s the kind of question she never has to ask him, because the women in his life come and go for their own reasons. Donna sees how it wears him down. His want to make things work with each woman almost seems to outweigh his actual care for them at all – he charms himself into relationships and then recklessly realizes he doesn’t know where to go from there. Even though she’s never had a true friendship with Scottie, Donna knows that the end of Scottie and Harvey was all him.

But then there’s Paula.

Donna seethes at the thought of them – at the thought of a companionship that brings Harvey peace she’s never seen, the thought of a woman with him that knows his favorite restaurant and can read his emotions without needing a translator.

She’d just barely broken down in the office – home was where the real show started. Wine and When Harry Met Sally and so much anguish that it found itself shattered in glass shards on her kitchen floor.

Over and over and over, a new woman who isn’t her, a new woman he wants to make it work with, he’s serious about this one–

She’s only ever been serious about him.

An ultimatum is set, and suddenly, Donna’s world shifts.

In all her time working for him and working with him, the most constant facet of her life that she’s ever known was that he would never not be there. She never even doubted that that wasn’t reciprocated – what else is she supposed to think when he brings her with him to his job at Pearson Hardman, when he faces a health crisis in her absence?

The only thing she thought she knew was that wherever she was, Harvey was supposed to be there too; and she wasn’t going anywhere without him.

And then she was told that his new girlfriend demanded otherwise, and that he was actually going to listen.

That was the final nail in the coffin. Donna knew it, then and there, that her love would have to be packed with her things in a box and dragged kicking and screaming through those elevator doors because Harvey was calling the shots like he always did, and he was calling that Paula was more important than her.

When she got in that cab, she told herself she was finally free. And it felt like sinking.

But then he’s at her door.

He’s there, frowning, pissed off, holding her affectionately-penned resignation letter and shredding it between his fingers. He’s there and he’s telling Donna that Paula is no longer an issue, because they aren’t together anymore. He’s there and she realizes that she’s not free at all, but she’s flying, because he’s there.

“Are you okay?” She asks him, because she might be flying, but he doesn’t have to be. He wanted this one to work, she reminds herself.

“Will you come back?”

It hurts in the most pleasurable way possible, because suddenly his wellbeing is tied to her, and not the other way around. Paula’s gone. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t want Donna to be gone, too.

She’s sticking her hand into the flame again when she invites him inside for a drink, and gets burned when he tells her it won’t be happening that night. At this point, she doesn’t even feel the sting – but that’s dangerous, because she’ll just keep trying, no matter the damage.

Donna remembers hoping he gets home safely and forgoes a glass of wine to just drink some cold water and sit in this feeling for a moment, sober and sensitive.

He chose her.

How tightly can she cling to that thought without it tearing?

The next day, she goes into his office to thank him. His shoulders aren’t tense. It’s beautiful.

As she’s leaving, she can’t help it–

“It was because of me?”

She tries not to sound prideful. She doesn’t even mean to, but she fears she does, anyway.

Harvey nods, just once. “It was.”

Not everything is about you, Harvey. Lies from a version of herself that was tired of the fight.

“I’m sorry,” she offers. She means it. He knows she does.

“Don’t be.”

And then he smiles at her – a small, Harvey smile, the kind that has always been there to remind her that he’s never going to let anything happen to her. That no matter that, they are okay.

#suits tv #darvey #darvey fanfic #donna paulsen #harvey specter #suits fanfic

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thyhonesteheorte · 1 month ago

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growing pains in friendships~

personal rant about friends, friendships, romantic attraction, being sapphic, aromanticism, etc...

have't even thought of it before but god it's so easy with her!! haven't laughed as hard as i did today for a long long time. we just got so comfortable with each other so quick so easily. we clicked you know! third day of school she asked if she could sit next to me (it was one of the only available spaces in the class). soon discovered she liked the same books and has the same opinions and the same introverted awkward nature as me. but we're different too. she's an older sister, i'm an only child. she likes her books neat and unblemished, i really don't gaf. she lets me borrow her books and obviously i'm careful asf with them cuz they're not mine duh! we banter and tease each other and give each other hope & help in academics. we sympathize with our different parental dynamics and joke about the similarities to hide the anxiety and i think she'd be okay if she knew i was queer. tbh i think i just fall a little in love with every single person i become friends with or at least have a nice conversation with. it's mostly the girls tbh. no actually the rush of love always comes for the girls and the people who just aren't boys. not being a misandrist (just never been a girl who's been friends with boy, except that single one i can only compare to and draw my conclusions from), idk if it's shared sisterhood or plain awe but it's always fucking confusing that's what. one sided homo-erotica you could say? or maybe it's just amatonormativity combining with my media-induced obsession with romance? there's always this thing in the back of my mind that i might just be aromantic (not demi as how i currently label it, maybe gray?). oops i spiraled, i meant to just talk about this one particular friend from my school. it's not a real romantic crush or anything but once i get it in my mind i can't seem to let it go easily, it's already happened with a few people recently. how do you even differentiate between romantic & platonic attraction?? aren't the most beautiful "romances" between best friends actually (reminds me of how i should call my best friend. actually we don't really call each other that, we're each other's closest friends tho.. i think so? we don't go to the same school or study together or talk everyday, not anymore, but i really think so.. i mean she said it herself on the phone the day before my birthday). growing pains, particularly in relationships - new & old - are really fucking complex & confusing aren't they? isn't the height of intimacy in laughter and honest shared conversations? or is that just my youth & naivety speaking? i act like i know it all but i know absolutely nothing. i act so mature except i'm just another barely sixteen year old who wants to be unique and wants to feel the soul-shattering love that everyone else does. idk.. i love them all. i love you just a little a. i definitely love you n. and i think i'm falling in love with you too r. i just don't know what the fuck to label it as, feels like you've all got it figured out and i just can't tell the difference between it all.

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biggayenergypod · 2 months ago

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Heartstopper Season 3: Exploring Mental Health and Identity in a Queer Ensemble

Heartstopper Season 3: A Preview Without Spoilers

Heartstopper has always stood out for its gentle yet powerful exploration of love, friendship, and identity, and Season 3 is no exception. As we return to the world of Nick, Charlie, and their friends, the stakes are raised, the emotions are deeper, and each character faces new, personal challenges that will resonate with viewers. We were lucky enough to get an early look at the entire season, and while we can’t spoil the details, we can give you a taste of what’s in store for these beloved characters.

Navigating Identity and Mental Health

Season 3 tackles mental health head-on with unflinching honesty. Charlie’s struggles with his eating disorder intensify, and the show doesn’t shy away from portraying the importance of seeking help. This journey is heartbreaking yet hopeful, offering a look at the emotional complexities he faces alongside his relationship with Nick.

Darcy’s character also goes on a journey of self-discovery this season, and fans will be moved by their exploration of identity. Darcy’s realization about their gender identity is a beautifully portrayed arc, showing the importance of self-acceptance while navigating the challenges that come with it.

Elle faces her own struggles, particularly when it comes to intimacy and body image. Her relationship with Tao hits a deeply personal moment, and watching them communicate through these challenges is a reminder of the power of love and understanding.

Isaac’s Journey of Self-Understanding

For those who’ve been rooting for Isaac, you will appreciate this season. As the only one in the group not in a relationship, Isaac grapples with feeling out of place, especially as he comes to terms with and finds who he is on the asexual spectrum. His journey touches on the exhaustion of constantly educating others about his identity, and his quiet pain adds another emotional layer to the season.

Imogen’s Growth and Reflection

Imogen, who has often played the comic relief, takes a more serious turn this season (while also bringing the humor) as she reflects on her past relationships. She shares an eye-opening conversation with Nick that might just be one of the most authentic moments of her story yet. Her personal growth is both surprising and heartfelt, showing how even the most confident people can have moments of self-doubt and realization.

Tori’s Silent Struggles

While Charlie’s journey is front and center, his sister Tori quietly grapples with her own challenges. Season 3 highlights how even those who seem strong can be hurting inside. As she supports Charlie through his difficulties, it becomes clear that no one is looking out for Tori in the way she deserves. Her blossoming friendship with a new character, Michael Holden, offers a breath of fresh air, and their comedic dynamic brings some much-needed levity to the season.

Nick’s Tough Decisions

Nick’s emotional turmoil continues in Season 3, as he tries to be there for Charlie through his recovery while facing his own worries about the future. His struggle to navigate the delicate balance of being supportive without overstepping is something many viewers will relate to. And with college looming, Nick faces an agonizing decision: should he follow his heart or his dreams?

The Power of Friendship

Tao, ever the goofball, continues to provide comedic relief, but this season shows how deeply he cares for his friends—even if he doesn’t always pick up on the signs when they’re struggling. His way of coping with the chaos of life? Creating short films that make his friends smile. Tao’s unwavering support and big heart shine through in every scene, solidifying him as the friend everyone wishes they had.

Tara, too, has her moment in the spotlight as she navigates new challenges, including her first panic attack. With the weight of supporting Darcy through their own personal battles, Tara's journey is a poignant reminder of the toll that emotional caregiving can take on someone.

A True Ensemble Season

One of the standout elements of Season 3 is how every character gets their moment. Whether it's navigating first love, personal growth, or emotional hardship, this is truly an ensemble season where each actor shines. There’s no “side story” that feels insignificant—every arc weaves together into a rich tapestry of experiences, making the season feel both expansive and intimate.

The Healthy Guide to Navigating High School as a Queer Teen

If Season 3 could be given a title beyond Heartstopper, it would be “The Healthy Guide to Navigating High School as a Queer Teen.” The show manages to tackle issues of identity, mental health, and relationships in ways that feel both realistic and heartwarming. Watching these characters support one another through difficult times while still finding joy in the small moments is truly uplifting.

Final Thoughts (Without Spoilers!)

Season 3 of Heartstopper is a masterclass in balancing emotional depth with feel-good moments. It’s a season that will make you laugh, cry, and reflect. Every character’s arc brings something meaningful to the table, and the show continues to be a shining example of positive LGBTQ+ representation.

We can’t wait for you to experience all the twists, turns, and heartfelt moments this season has to offer. So, get ready—there’s a lot to look forward to. And once you’ve watched, come back and share your thoughts with us. We’ll be waiting! You can also look forward to reaction videos of the entire season on our Patreon, with some highlights on YouTube, plus discussion episodes digging into the details of season 3 with our resident Heartstopper expert, Alayna. It’s going to be perfect!

#heartstopper netflix #heartstopper season 3 #preview #lgbtq #representation matters #nick x charlie #tara x darcy #darcy x tara #charlie spring #nick nelson #heartstopper

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johnprine69 · 2 years ago

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ok i really want to complain about the word situationship and the hold that the concept of situationships has on my peers and i’m going to do it by talking about relationship anarchy bc it’s something i’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on recently. a situationship, in the common vernacular, is when two people have been dating, sleeping together, and/or sharing some kind of emotional intimacy for an extended period of time (usually a few months at least), without commitment or exclusivity, although one member of the situationship wants commitment/exclusivity. relationship anarchy is the practice of removing hierarchy from the way we relate to others, and unsubscribing from the predetermined labels and categories that exist to categorize relationships. this is a helpful graphic:

every relationship we have can be composed of one or more of these building blocks, and none of the building blocks are inherently more valued than the others, nor do they require exclusivity. a relationship with someone who we share sexual and emotional intimacy with does not have to become the one central and most important relationship of our life, it does not mean we must aspire to eventually move-in with and center our life around this one relationship, and it does not mean we can not have emotional or sexual relationships with other people. the idea of “partnership” is so tied up with the idea of ownership, of having exclusive control over who our partner can love, when i don’t believe love to be a finite resource. furthermore i think that understanding relationships in this way will inherently lead to jealously, as inevitably your partner and yourself will experience attraction to other people and develop emotional intimacy with other people, and if we believe that our partners owe us their undivided commitment, resentment and jealousy can grow, and we isolate ourselves from the great web of people who we have to capacity to relate to and love, and confine ourselves to this limited experience of love.

anyway i’m in what some would deem a “situationship” with a guy who i met here in france, and at first i really tormented myself with the idea that i was doing something wrong bc we have sex, spend a lot of time together, are emotionally intimate, and have a romantic dynamic, but have not defined our relationship or declared each other as “partners.” the messaging prevalent on the internet tells me that i should demand commitment from him and if he doesn’t want that, i should leave him. but i know, for a number of reasons, that i don’t want these things, and moreover i’m HAPPY as things are. i broke up with my ex, who i was exclusive with, in september on account of moving to france. the thing is, i still love him, and i find it bizarre that people who ask about him expect me to have completely stopped caring for him just because i moved away, or because i’m now seeing someone else, who i also have genuine feelings for. the idea that i can’t love multiple people at once is bizarre to me, especially as this dynamic isn’t applied to friendships or any other kind of relationship.

lastly, with my ex, exclusivity was something that brought up a lot of pain and conflict, as he knew that i was still very close to our mutual friend, who i used to have a sexual relationship with. he was jealous whenever i spent time alone with this friend, and he didn’t trust me when i said that nothing sexual/romantic happened between us, because i was honoring our exclusivity. but because of our exclusivity our relationship became a site of bureaucracy, where we had to regularly have conversations to determine which ways of relating to other people were allowed within the terms of our relationship. i was allowed to relate to other people in this way, and he was allowed to relate to other people in that way. but I was often troubled by this, as i still felt romantic feelings/sexual attraction for our mutual friend, and the friend still felt those feelings for me, but now i restricted our relationship in order to honor a contract with my “partner,” who didn’t even believe that i’d stuck to my word. although we had mutually agreed to the terms of exclusivity, it did feel like a reinforcement of the idea that partnership is ownership—he alone had access to certain parts of me, even when it was unnatural.

so back to the situationship. it seems to me that my generation is so preoccupied with demanding exclusivity and commitment that they are more obsessed with the pursuit of a “partner,” someone they have exclusive ownership of and control over, than the pursuit of organic love and connection. what would loving other people look like if we abolished ideas of ownership? how many beautiful and nuanced ways could we find to relate to the people we love if we were less preoccupied with eventually settling down together and starting a nuclear family unit? of course, the average person has a lotttt of work to do in unpacking hierarchies and understanding all of the hegemonic ideals that shape our relationships (myself included!), because monogamy and heteronormativity are the unchallenged cultural assumptions we are steeped in from birth. and i understand that the average internet-user complaining about a situationship is a young woman whose emotional needs are not being met by the man she’s sleeping with, and i have a lot of empathy for anyone in that position. i probably should have put a disclaimer a long time ago that i’m also not anti-monogamy. these ideas are all really new to me and i wouldn’t say i’ve ever really practiced polyamory or relationship anarchy before. i’m just reflecting on my experiences and trying to use my imagination to understand a different way that we could relate to people that’s less fixated on ownership and control, and makes room for our infinite capacity for love, and i really want the people around me to think about it too.

the graphic i used at the beginning is from a video on youtube called “The Relationship Anarchomb” by AnRel, and i can’t link it here but i would recommend checking it out if you’re curious

#this one probably should have just been a journal entry but sunken cost fallacy. i already typed it out #relationship anarchy #polyamory

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misshoneyimhomeagain · 6 months ago

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Chapter 6 -

Summary; a night out of town once again stirs up some complications between William and Julia, which might actually brew their friendship just a tad closer;

Tags; William NylanderxOfc, jealous!William; “We never go out of style”

Warnings; as always, swearing/language; foreign language (Danish & Swedish);

A/N; introducing *drumroll* Frederik Andersen; what can I say, I just love jealous!William; personally, I have a love/hate relationship to this chapter;

Words; 4K+

“Why, why did I ever let you go?”

Saturday, 5th - Hockey Fights Cancer: TOR 2 – BOS 1

Julia was absolutely exhausted, and her legs throbbed with pain. She couldn't help but mutter to herself about how sore they were, a direct consequence of the ice-skating adventure she'd embarked on with Tyler and William the day before.

williamnylander: How are you feeling? 😂

jjonesss: I'm not okay... and it's all your fault! 😉

williamnylander: What did I do now? Nobody twisted your arm to skate 😂

jjonesss: Yes, YOU did! 😂

williamnylander: Alright... well, in that case, I'm sorry 😂

jjonesss: No, you're not 😂

williamnylander: Nope, I'm not 😂

She couldn't help but smile as she thought about the previous night's event. It had been nothing short of amazing, and a small part of her had secretly cherished the soft intimacy she and William had shared when he'd encouraged her to join him on the ice. A decision she was glad she'd made, at least until her legs reminded her of the physical consequences.

After a quick errand, she was back home, ready for hockey night; but not just any hockey night. It was a special night where NHL teams came together to show unwavering support for those battling cancer.

For Julia, this initiative held deep personal meaning. She had lost a dear friend to cancer only a couple of years ago, so she felt a profound connection to the ceremony as she watched the match from the comfort of her home. She had decided to dedicate the evening to some much-needed self-care, pampering herself with a home-cooked dinner, spa treatments, and some quality "me-time" on her sofa with a glass of wine.

A brief call with Camille was also much-needed, and Julia filled her in on everything that had happened in the past week.

Her week had been a whirlwind of activity, filled with work and spending time with Tyler, Phoebe, and William. While it had been incredibly enjoyable, Julia also recognised the importance of a quiet night to recharge.

However, even in the solitude of her living room, she couldn't help but become engrossed in the hockey match. The Toronto Maple Leafs were facing off against the Boston Bruins, and with each save and shot at goal, Julia found herself passionately cheering, despite being all by herself.

As the match concluded with the Leafs securing a hard-fought 2-1 victory, Julia exchanged a few texts with Charlie. Charlie, on the other hand, was at the arena, passionately cheering for her partner, Auston, alongside the other wives and girlfriends of the team.

Charlie had spent the day with Stephanie and the others, planning a surprise trip for the players scheduled for the following day, Sunday. The team had an away game in North Carolina against the Hurricanes, and the partners had organised a tour without the players' knowledge. Surprisingly, they had extended an invitation to Julia as well. Although she wasn't romantically involved with any of the players, her special friendship and bond with William had made her feel like an integral part of the inner circle, so she wholeheartedly accepted the invitation.

And little did everyone know; Julia had an unexpected surprise in store.

Sunday 6th – Away game, CAR 1 – TOR 3

In the morning, the group og girlfriends and wives assembled at Toronto Pearson International Airport. They had all packed their overnight bags and were ready for take-off.

Julia hadn't been heavily involved in the planning; she was more like a tag-along, but to her comfort, everything was very well-organised. The partners had booked flight tickets, arranged coaches for transportation, secured hotel rooms (where they knew they players would stay as well), and even had secured good game tickets, all by themselves. Well, it's possible they received a little assistance from the staff team.

The Toronto Maple Leafs fans had a reputation for being exceptionally passionate and dedicated supporters of their beloved hockey team. Throughout the NHL, they were known for embarking on long road trips with the team, bringing high levels of energy and positivity to arenas across North America. So, it only made sense for the wives and girlfriends to want to be part of this supportive community.

The atmosphere was lively among the women as they embarked on their journey. They shared stories and adventures they had experienced as part of the Leafs' extended family, and they were all welcoming and warm, and extending their genuine hospitality to the girlfriends and wives of new players on the team.

"So, what's the surprise?" Charlie curiously asked as she and Julia were unpacking in their hotel room.

"Well, please don't laugh, but..." Julia's voice came from the bathroom. "I sort of did a thing," she said as she emerged.

Charlie turned to look at her, and a broad smile crossed her face.

"Oh yes, JJ!" she exclaimed when she saw her friend standing in a #88 Nylander jersey.

"Do you think he'll like it?" Julia asked a little nervously.

"Like it?" Charlie chuckled. "Babe, he's going to be thrilled."

"It’s not too weird, init?" Julia asked curiously, but Charlie simply shook her head and shrieked in excitement.

The girls shared moments of laughter as they got ready for tonight's game dancing along to music and casually enjoying a drink or two. They had both taken Monday off from work, so tonight was all about enjoying themselves.

The group gathered in the lobby, before they together in all excitement headed to the PNC arena. They had been fortunate enough to secure excellent seats close to the ice, and as the players stepped onto the ice, their faces lit up with delight. All of the players couldn't help but break into wide smiles when they saw the enormous group of passionate Leafs fans, among whom were all the partners, standing together to cheer for their significant others.

The sight of their loved ones in the stands, wearing jerseys and waving banners, was a heart-warming moment for the players, and it filled them with a sense of pride and motivation as they prepared to give their best on the ice. The atmosphere in the arena was electric, and the players could feel the overwhelming support from the partners and fans alike. It was a special moment that added an extra layer of excitement to the game.

And the Leafs won a solid 3-1.

Following the match, the players were beyond excited as they were met with the very energetic group of significant others. Barely any of them had the time to do any media work, as they were just so happy to see the women’s faces and how they sported their jerseys. Even the single lads found the situation amusing and were easily embarked in the exciting atmosphere.

Trying her best to squeeze through the crowd in the hallway, Julia made her way to William, who was also trying his best to do the same and find her. For a brief moment, they simply stood and looked at each other, sharing a laughter, as he took in the image of her in his jersey.

“So, you like it?” Julia offered William a slightly concerned yet excited smile.

“Of course, JJ,” he chuckled as he came closer to embrace her into a hug. “You look amazing – you couldn’t have picked a better number,” he said, which made her giggle.

"Yeah, well, all the other numbers were already taken," she teased, pulling away and giving him a cheeky wink.

“Woohooo,” Rasmus said loudly as he joined William and Julia along with Timothy. “I thought this was only for wives and girlfriends - and I didn’t know you were a girlfriend, JJ,” he cheekily remarked, wrapping an arm around William, who was laughing along – and perhaps lightly blushing?

“Well, Sandin – I am a girl,” Julia said offering him a joking smile. “And I am a friend, so…”

Rasmus and Tim were simply laughing at her comment, and they all shared this moment of amusement.

Of course, Rasmus and Tim had teased William about his relationship with Julia. They had obviously noticed how they acted around each other, and especially how their fellow Swedish friend's behaviour had subtly changed over the past couple of months. Not in a bad way, just that he wasn't as flirtatious and outgoing with other girls as usual. He was more reserved and had also come up with some great tips on how to build good connections with ladies. Thanks to William, Timothy had even managed to flirt with his long-time crush.

"ALL RIGHT, WHO'S UP FOR KARAOKE?" Mitch shouted, and almost the entire group responded with an enthusiastic 'Wooo' to his proposal.

Julia chuckled. "He does this a lot, doesn't he?" she asked in an unimpressed tone, to which the Swedes simply replied with a simultaneous 'yes'.

And once all the lads had wrapped up in the locker room, a group of people set off to a nearby karaoke bar. Mitch, of course, had done his homework and found the perfect spot.

As the group made their way into the bar, they were all sharing laughter and discussing today's game.

“Hey JJ,” Mitch shouted, “don’t go too far away.” Julia paused for a moment as Mitch approached her. "We've got a little surprise for you," he said.

And as if on cue, another man entered the bar and headed towards them. It was Frederik Andersen. Mitch and Auston had invited him to join for a spontaneous get-together as old teammates.

“We would have given it to you when we got back, but since you’re here now, we thought this’d be even better,” Auston said as Freddie came to greet them.

"Hey," he said, and Auston and Mitch exchanged friendly guy-hugs.

"So, JJ, meet Freddie – Freddie, this is JJ, our new Danish friend," Mitch introduced the two of them.

“It’s nice to meet you,” the very tall red-headed Dane spoke as he extended a hand for Julia to shake.

“It’s lovely to meet you too,” she smiled, accepting his hand.

"So, I guess this is for you," Freddie said, holding out a paper bag in his other hand and passing it to her as they all settled down at a table, joining the rest of the group.

Freddie took a seat at the very end of the table, with Julia between him and William. Mitch and Auston sat across from her, and Charlie and Steph occupied the seats next to Auston, while Rasmus and Tim sat alongside William. Mo and Tessa were at the opposite end with John and Aryne.

"What is it?" Julia asked, curiosity dancing in her eyes.

"Just open it and see," Auston chuckled.

With eager anticipation, she reached into the bag and pulled out a #31 Andersen jersey – signed.

"Oh, shit!" she exclaimed with excitement. "Oh my god, you guys; thank you! – thank you so much," she said, looking at Freddie and the boys, who responded with hearty laughter and smiles.

"I was told it was for your dad or something," Freddie chimed in, and Julia nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah, he's kind of a massive fan of yours," she replied with a huge smile.

Across the table, the group continued their lively conversation, and the room was filled with the cheerful sound of people enjoying each other's company.

"So, you're Danish?" Freddie asked, leaning a little closer to Julia.

"Well, half Danish and half English," she replied with a warm smile.

"Taler du så dansk?" (So, you're speaking Danish?) Freddie asked, and she nodded.

"Ja, selvom jeg nok ikke lyder helt korrekt," (Yes, although I probably don't sound quite right) she chuckled lightly.

"Du lyder helt perfekt," (You sound absolutely perfect) he said, offering her a friendly smile, which made Julia slightly blush.

Her Danish was actually surprisingly good, especially considering she had spent most of her life in England. But Julia had always been eager to explore her Danish roots, so Freddie's compliment held special meaning for her.

Freddie, she thought, was quite the handsome man. A vibrant red beard framed his masculine facial features, his eyes shimmered with deep honey-brown hues, and his pink lips formed an endearing smile.

Their conversation flowed effortlessly, and they delved into getting to know each other better, as Laughter filled the air while they shared jokes and anecdotes about Denmark and their upbringing.

Meanwhile, William sat beside her, making a half-hearted attempt to follow the conversation. Though he couldn't catch every word and detail, he grasped the gist of it. Julia's laughter, almost instinctively, brought a smile to his face.

“So, Char and JJ, you’re going next,” Mitch excitedly shouted.

“What?” Julia exclaimed.

“Oh, come on, JJ – we’ve got to do our gig” Charlie laughed.

“You have a gig?” Auston asked curiously. “Please explain,” he chuckled, and the girls nodded, giggling.

“Well, long story short: when JJ’s been here for, what about a week or so, we had this international/cultural night at work, where we sang karaoke, and even though she had made it very clear, she was from Denmark, someone put on ABBA for us to sing,” Charlie explained, not able to contain her laughter, and the rest of the group joined her.

“Seriously, those bastards,” Julia joked. “First of all, ABBA’s bloody Swedish, not Danish, and secondly, I’m from England! We’ve got the greatest music artists of all time,” she laughed. “They could’ve chosen anyone!”

“Well, that’s the thing, JJ – you only need one good number-one band, and everyone remembers,” Rasmus cheekily chimed in.

“Oh, fuck you Sandin” Julia joked, making the entire group laugh.

They took the stage, and as the music started to play, they both embraced the delightful atmosphere.

‘I've been cheated by you since I don't know when So I made up my mind: it must come to an end Look at me now, will I ever learn? I don't know how, but I suddenly lose control There's a fire within my soul’ (Just one look) and I can hear a bell ring (One more look) and I forget everything, whoa

As the girls sang their hearts out, William found himself captivated by Julia's cheerful demeanour. Her voice was surprisingly good, and her energy drew him into the lyrics. And he couldn't help but wonder if there was a deeper meaning to this song.

Mamma mia, here I go again My, my, how can I resist you? Mamma mia, does it show again My, my, just how much I've missed you? Yes, I've been brokenhearted Blue since the day we parted Why, why did I ever let you go? Mamma mia, now I really know My, my, I could never let you go

The girls, did an amazing performance for the lads. Their voices weren’t overly perfect; however, they did manage to harmonise and keep the tune. Not to brag, but they did sound fucking amazing. And they danced and did it all in true ABBA style.

They guys cheered, clapped, and whistled throughout the entire song as well as they finished and re-joined the group.

"Wasn't half bad!" Rasmus shouted.

"Thanks, Sandin. I'll take that as an almost-compliment," Julia teased as she took her seat.

"He doesn't dare say anything else; he's too afraid of getting a punch in the face," Timothy quipped, sparking laughter from the group.

"It was an accident," Julia playfully defended herself, but the laughter persisted. She shook her head smiling, then turned her attention to Freddie, who curiously asked her what had happened. She proceeded to explain the situation, which elicited a hearty laugh from him as well.

As the conversations continued to flow, Julia and Freddie found themselves pulled into deeper discussions. Freddie's friendly nature and easygoing charm were undeniably captivating, and Julia couldn't help but sense a growing connection between them. She found herself increasingly intrigued by the affable Dane.

Despite her efforts not to read too much into their interactions, Freddie's warm smile and charismatic personality had a way of enchanting her, and Julia secretly hoped for more opportunities to spend time with him.

However, as the evening wore on, William couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. He discreetly observed the two Danes interacting, even though he knew that he and Julia were just close friends and not romantically involved. Yet, something about Freddie's friendliness stirred this irrational feeling within him, and a part of him entertained thoughts of interrupting their private conversation.

Realising the irrationality of his jealousy, William scolded himself mentally. He acknowledged that he had no claim over Julia's conversations or potential friendships. So, he redirected his attention to Tim and Rasmus, making a conscious effort to dispel the unnecessary jealousy that had briefly gripped him.

As the night came to a close, the group agreed that it was time to head back to the hotel.

"Wait, I've gotta hit the loo, real quick," Julia announced.

"I'll join you," Charlie chimed in, following Julia.

"Yeah, me too," Stephanie added, and the girls made their way to the ladies’ room.

"Why do girls always go to the bathroom together?" Mitch asked, making the rest of the group chuckle.

Taking advantage of the waiting time, Freddie and William struck up a conversation.

Having observed the way William had been looking at Julia and how she had been sitting close to him throughout the night, Freddie couldn't help but wonder about the nature of their relationship. He believed Julia was flirting with him, but maybe he’d misread the situation and she was simply just being friendly because of the jersey.

"So, just to be sure, is there anything going on between you and her?" Freddie asked curiously.

Taken aback a bit by the sudden question, William shook his head lightly. "No, we're just good friends," he assured his former teammate.

"Alright, just don’t want to step on any toes," Freddie said, wearing a faint smirk.

"But, you know, she's not looking for anything," William suddenly blurted out, feeling a bit surprised by his own words. "Like, she's not looking for a hook-up or something like that."

Why did he even say that? He once again mentally scolded himself.

"Uh, okay, good to know," Freddie replied, nodding, acknowledging that he then must’ve misread the situation.

As the girls returned from the ladies' room, the group made their way toward the exit. Stopping briefly outside, Julia and Freddie stood a little apart from the group.

"It was really nice to meet you, JJ," Freddie said in Danish, looking down at the blonde woman.

"It was really nice to meet you too," she smiled up at him, keeping the conversation in his native tongue. "And thanks for the jersey, it's very much appreciated."

"No problem," Freddie offered her a soft smile.

Julia looked at Freddie, wanting to say something more. A small part of her desired to invite him to her hotel room, suspecting that Charlie might spend time with Auston. However, her insecurities held her back, and she hoped for him to take the first step.

"JJ, I, uh..." Freddie began, biting lightly onto his lower lip. "I wanted to ask you if maybe you'd like to spend some more time together... But Willy told me that you weren't really up for anything like that, so..."

What?

"Willy said what?" she asked, her surprise evident.

"Well, he explained that you weren't looking for anything, so I just wanted to tell you that I had a really good time with you tonight, and if you ever want to talk again, I'd very much like to as well," he offered her a friendly smile.

Julia was left momentarily speechless but nodded in response.

"Well, thanks again for the jersey then, Freddie. I had a great time as well," she smiled before they parted ways, and Freddie went to say his goodbyes to the guys.

William, on the other hand, avoided Julia for the entire walk back to the hotel. He had a feeling that he might have screwed up again.

And he was right.

Julia was a little pissed and very disappointed.

Why had he even talked to Freddie about her?

Back at the hotel, most of the group gathered in the hallway before heading to their respective rooms. Charlie, of course, went with Auston, and some of the other guys congregated in a room to play a few rounds of video games.

William was chatting with Rasmus when Julia spotted him and decided it was time to sort things out. He sighed as he saw her approaching and knew he had no other choice.

"Hey," he simply said as he and Julia were the only two left in the hallway.

"Hey? That's all you have to say..." she spoke with a calm but firm voice.

He simply shrugged.

"Why did you talk to Freddie about me, Willy?" she asked.

William shrugged again. "I don't know..." he mumbled, trying to avoid her piercing gaze, but Julia kept her eyes locked on him.

"You don't know?"

"I mean... well, I just..." he trailed off, fumbling for words. "I just wanted to help."

"Help? By pushing away an interesting man I was having a pleasant conversation with?"

"I just didn't want you to make a mistake," he said, his voice firm and resolute. "You know, like you did with me..."

Julia, slightly baffled, blinked a few times. "You think I consider you a mistake?" she asked softly.

"No... I mean, yes – I don't know," he struggled to articulate his thoughts. William was confused and conflicted, unsure of what he truly felt. All he wanted was to prevent Julia from getting hurt again. Not that Freddie was the kind of guy who would hurt women, but William worried that Julia might do something she'd later regret.

"William, I don't think of you as a mistake..." she said gently. "Do you think that of me?"

"What? No!"

"Then why would you say something like that?" Julia's emotions were a whirlwind of bewilderment, anger, surprise, and confusion.

"I don't know, I just wanted to protect you, or something," William raised his voice.

"Why? I'm not yours to protect, Willy!" Julia practically shouted.

Silence hung between them.

And they both let out a deep sigh.

"Well, then I'm sorry, I guess..." William finally muttered.

"Yeah, so am I," Julia replied before she turned and walked away from him; still feeling slightly pissed off and annoyed that he’d had the audacity to interfere with her potential night with Freddie.

"Shiiit…" William mumbled to himself as he went to enter to his room.

Lying on her bed, Julia couldn't help but replay the evening in her mind.

Why did she and William end up in situations like this?

Their friendship was precious to her, and she didn't want to be angry with him. And deep down, she knew he had acted out of care.

Reflecting on it, he might even have been right. She had been drawn to Freddie, and yes, she had been flirting with the kind Dane, but realistically, it would never have evolved into anything more. The distance alone made that improbable, and she didn't truly know him well enough.

It would have been a spontaneous fling, and Julia might or might not have regretted it in the morning. In a way, William had protected her from a potential mistake. Just like he’d said.

‘Fuck,’ she thought to herself. 'I hate it when he's right.’

Glancing at her phone, she opened their chat.

jjonesss: I'm sorry… you were right, thank you for tonight 💛

She then put down her phone and settled in for the night.

Across the hallway, William was in his own room, preparing for bed, where Rasmus was already nestled under the duvet, engrossed in his phone.

“Hey, jag hoppas att det är okej att jag lånade din laddare?" (Hey, I hope it's okay I borrowed your charger?) Rasmus asked, looking up from his phone.

William simply nodded. "Sure, man."

He was exhausted, not just from the game but also emotionally drained. It wasn't typical for him to feel this way after a game, but he knew he had expended a considerable amount of energy keeping an eye on Julia throughout the night.

Something she apparently didn't appreciate.

In a way, he was disappointed with himself. All he had wanted was for Julia to be happy, which was why he had tried to help her. Instead, it seemed like he had messed things up again.

'Well done, Willy,' he thought to himself before drifting off to sleep.

The following morning, Julia woke up to no reply from William, and a twinge of disappointment pricked her chest.

So she got up and got ready to leave.

And an hour later, still no reply.

'Shit,' she thought, wondering if their friendship had been irreparably damaged.

The girls had breakfast and said their farewells to their partners before heading to their transportation for the airport.

But William was still nowhere to be found, and Julia's heart felt heavy.

She realised just how much her friendship with William meant to her, and all she wanted at that very moment, was for them to talk and sort things out.

But she’d have to try and let it go, as the group had to leave.

"Hey, man, har du sett min laddare?" (Hey, man, have you seen my charger) William asked as he ransacked the room.

"Den ligger bredvid sängen”,” (It's right by my bed) Sandin called from the hallway. "Kom igen, Willy! Vi har redan missat frukosten,” (Come on, Willy! We've already missed breakfast.)

"Shit," William mumbled as he gave up the search. "Jag har inget batteri på min telefon,” (I’ve got no power on my phone) he explained as he grabbed his bag and joined Sandin, heading downstairs to meet the rest of the team.

#archive #we never go out of style

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jainanibjiya · 8 months ago

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WHY DO PEOPLE OFTEN HURT THE ONE THEY LOVE?

In relationships, we expect to find support, understanding, and above all, love. Yet, paradoxically, those closest to us—those we love the most—are often the ones we hurt the most. This contradiction is a prevalent theme in discussions about interpersonal relationships, manifesting across romantic partnerships, familial bonds, and deep friendships. This article delves into the complexities behind this phenomenon, exploring psychological theories, emotional dynamics, and social factors that explain why hurting the ones we love is a surprisingly common human behavior. Nowadays there are even many bollywood movies and hollywood movies based on this.

The Psychological Landscape

Projection and Displacement:

One psychological theory that helps explain why we hurt loved ones is projection. Projection involves attributing one’s unacceptable feelings, thoughts, or impulses onto another person. For example, if one is feeling insecure or inadequate, they might accuse their partner of not caring enough or of being indifferent. Similarly, displacement involves redirecting emotions or reactions from the original source of distress (which might be too threatening to confront) to a safer target, often someone close to us.

Familiarity and Emotional Safety:

People often feel safest showing their true emotions, including negative ones, around those they trust the most. Loved ones provide a 'safe space' where one feels they can express anger, frustration, or disappointment without the fear of abandonment. Unfortunately, this can also mean that loved ones bear the brunt of our emotional outbursts.

The Dynamics of Intimacy

Intimacy and Vulnerability:

Intimacy involves sharing the most private and sacred parts of oneself, which inevitably increases vulnerability. The closer someone is to us, the more they know about our weaknesses and pain points, and the more likely it is that they can hurt us, intentionally or not. Conversely, we are also more likely to express our most hurtful thoughts and feelings in an intimate context, precisely because it is where we feel most exposed.

Conflict Escalation:

In relationships where high levels of intimacy exist, conflicts can escalate quickly because both parties know exactly what to say or do that will hurt the other the most. These conflicts, though often starting from minor disagreements, can lead to severe emotional injuries that are disproportionately painful, given the intimacy of the relationship.

Behavioral Patterns and Social Conditioning

Learned Behaviors:

Many people replicate relationship patterns they observed or experienced in childhood. If someone grew up in a home where parents or caregivers exhibited hurtful behavior towards each other but stayed together, they might subconsciously believe that such behavior is a normal part of love.

Stress and External Pressures:

External pressures such as financial stress, work-related stress, or the demands of parenting can significantly strain personal relationships. Under stress, individuals might lash out at those closest to them because they are at their most vulnerable, and their capacity to regulate emotions effectively is compromised.

Communication Breakdown

Poor Communication Skills:

A common reason for relational discord is poor communication. Misunderstandings and miscommunications can lead to frustration, which may manifest as hurtful behavior. Without the tools to express themselves effectively or to navigate conflicts constructively, people often resort to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, all of which can deeply hurt their loved ones.

Feedback Loop of Negativity:

In some relationships, cycles of negativity develop where one hurtful action begets another, creating a feedback loop. In these dynamics, it can become difficult to break the cycle of hurting each other, with each person reacting to the pain inflicted by the other.

The Role of Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence

Lack of Self-Awareness:

A significant factor in why people hurt loved ones is a lack of self-awareness. Without a keen understanding of one’s emotions, triggers, and behaviors, it is challenging to regulate actions and reactions effectively. This lack of awareness can lead to the inadvertent hurting of those around us.

Emotional Intelligence:

High emotional intelligence can act as a buffer against hurting loved ones. It involves not only being aware of one’s emotions but also being able to manage them effectively, empathize with others, and handle relationships judiciously and empathetically. Those lacking in emotional intelligence might find it more challenging to maintain harmonious relationships.

Conclusion: Understanding and Healing

Understanding why people hurt the ones they love is crucial for healing and improving relationships. It requires a commitment to personal growth, including developing better communication skills, increasing emotional intelligence, and breaking negative behavioral cycles. Therapy and counseling can be valuable tools in this process, helping individuals and couples develop healthier ways of relating to each other.

By addressing the root causes of why we hurt those we love, we can begin to foster more nurturing, supportive, and loving relationships. Recognizing that this behavior is often not a sign of diminished love but rather a complex interplay of psychological and emotional factors can provide the insight needed to start making positive changes.

#nostalgia #love #relationship #feeling

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selfhelpchampion · 1 year ago

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#Booksummary | When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön

Life inevitably brings pain, loss, failure, fear, and other challenges that we naturally try to avoid. We all face periods when things seem to be falling apart, yet we usually resist these situations in unhelpful ways. Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chödrön wrote When Things Fall Apart to provide a compassionate approach to life's difficult times based on ancient wisdom and mindfulness practices. This beloved and award-winning book has offered solace and guidance to millions worldwide for over 25 years.

In her trademark down-to-earth style, Chödrön helps readers view painful experiences as opportunities for spiritual awakening rather than problems to solve. She explains how embracing vulnerability and imperfection fosters deep inner strength and how cultivating compassion for ourselves and others creates joy. Chödrön guides us to develop the resilience and resources needed not just to survive but find meaning when things fall apart.

The Book in 3 Sentences

Life is constantly changing, and we often face difficult or painful situations that we wish we could avoid.

Instead of resisting life's challenges, we can develop inner resilience by learning to accept impermanence, lean into discomfort, cultivate compassion, and live fully in the present.

Embracing our fears and vulnerabilities allows us to find hope and meaning even in the most difficult times.

Book Summary in a Nutshell

Understanding fear leads to self-understanding. Rather than avoiding our fears, we should investigate them to uncover deeper truths about ourselves and our relationships. Often our first reaction when facing a problem contains an element of truth.

Loneliness provides opportunities for self-observation and self-love. Instead of considering loneliness as negative, embrace it as a chance to rest, recover and know yourself through meditation. Develop unconditional friendship with yourself.

Hope keeps us stuck in fear and anxiety. Question the hopes and fears that cause feelings of perpetual dissatisfaction. Fear of death prevents us from accepting mortality as natural.

Impermanence, suffering and selflessness are core truths of existence. Observing how we react to change, pain and letting go of fixed identities allows us to appreciate each moment.

Compassion for others enables self-compassion. Building relationships with people at the margins of society fosters acceptance of disowned parts of ourselves. Tonglen meditation turns pain into pleasure.

When facing challenges, employ the tactics of stopping struggle, using poison as medicine and revealing awakened energy. Stay present through meditation rather than fighting thoughts or hiding from problems.

The key message is that by developing mindfulness, self-compassion and embracing the ups and downs of life, we can find meaning and resilience even in difficult times. Accepting our fears and vulnerabilities is the path to inner freedom.

Detailed Book Summary

How understanding fear can lead to deeper self-understanding

Fear often arises when we encounter something new, unfamiliar, or outside our comfort zone. Examining our fears can reveal our habits, assumptions, and areas where we lack experience. This allows us to grow.

Facing our fears helps build self-awareness. We learn where our confidence falters, our sensitivity lies, and our triggers exist. This knowledge makes us more conscious.

Behind fear is often old pain. Exploring our fears with curiosity rather than judgment can uncover past hurts, traumas, or unmet needs that still affect us. Healing these creates growth.

Fear can protect over-inflated egos and false images of ourselves. Looking inward to find what the fear is safeguarding reveals illusions we hide behind.

Reacting in fear exposes what we care about most. Our fears reveal our values, passions, loved ones, and deepest insecurities. All pave the path to self-understanding.

Sharing fearful experiences forges bonding and intimacy. Voicing and exploring our fears with others builds connection, compassion and mutual support.

Observing our fears without reacting or avoiding them builds equanimity, patience and insight. This clears the way for truth.

The bottom line is that fear protects the inner self. Turning toward it with openness and care illuminates who we are at the core. This understanding empowers us to grow.

How loneliness can provide opportunities for self-growth

Loneliness allows us to get reacquainted with ourselves. Without the distractions of everyday life, we can tune inward and focus on our thoughts, emotions, and needs.

Solitude gives us clarity since no one else is influencing our perspectives or decisions. We rely on our own inner wisdom.

With loneliness comes freedom to structure our time as we wish without having to accommodate others. This space fuels creativity.

Being alone often lowers inhibitions and walls we hold up around others. We act more authentically to our natural rhythms.

Loneliness can remove external validation sources, challenging us to develop stronger self-esteem without others' praise.

Dealing with loneliness builds resilience, self-reliance, and the ability to enjoy our own company. This fortifies us.

Solitude provides conditions ripe for meditation, introspection, and spiritual growth through practices like yoga.

Extended loneliness allows us to contemplate life's purpose and meaning from a philosophical perspective.

Times alone force us to reach out and forge new connections when we're ready. This expands our world.

The key is to proactively embrace solitude for self-discovery rather than desperately avoid it. Alone time nourishes us when used wisely.

How hope and fear keep us stuck

Hoping for a certain outcome makes us anxious about achieving it and scared of failing. This stops us from enjoying the present.

Baseless hopes lead to disappointment when reality invariably diverges from expectations. Accepting impermanence saves us from this.

We hope to satisfy the ego's desires, but these are ultimately insatiable. This creates perpetual dissatisfaction.

When hopes are unfulfilled, we often turn to fear-based strategies of manipulation or control. This harms us and others.

Fearing death causes us to cling to life rather than accept it as a natural cycle. Making peace with mortality liberates us.

Fearful ego invests identity in jobs, status, youth - anything impermanent. This leads to suffering when they inevitably change.

Hopes and fears cause addiction to thinking about the uncontrollable future/past rather than living fully now.

Fearful people shy away from challenges needed for growth. Hopes make people complacent in comfort zones.

Excessive hopes and fears are rooted in lack of self-knowledge. Knowing oneself dispels irrational expectations.

The key is to balance hopes with equanimity, take inspired action mindfully, and release fears by understanding their roots. This helps us avoid stagnation.

Impermanence, suffering, and selflessness as truths of existence

Impermanence is evident in aging, endings, deaths - no thing is permanent. Noticing our resistance and attachment to permanence fosters acceptance.

Suffering pervades life - no one escapes sickness, heartbreak, loss. Observing our aversion teaches equanimity with pain.

The self is ever-changing - physical forms, roles, beliefs all evolve. Watching our grasping at fixed identities gives freedom.

Seasons end, youth fades, jobs change - appreciating impermanence makes us cherish each fleeting moment.

Pain is part of growth, loss opens us to new beginnings - working mindfully with suffering develops resilience.

No identity endures; we're ever-morphing - shedding inflexible labels allows authentic living.

Impermanence and uncertainty can excite and inspire - embracing them awakens our spirit of adventure.

Suffering connects us all - bearing pain mindfully makes compassion blossom.

Selflessness liberates us from ego-clinging and opens us to our interconnectedness.

The more deeply we comprehend change, sorrow, and empty selves, the more we uncover the beauty and joy underlying this ephemeral world.

The connection between compassion for others and self-compassion

Serving marginalized people we'd normally avoid forces us to confront our own prejudices and fears. This cultivates humility and empathy.

Bearing witness to those suffering hardship makes us appreciate our own good fortune. This breeds gratitude.

Relating to outcasts and criminals awakens awareness that we all make mistakes. This fosters self-forgiveness.

Volunteering to help the disadvantaged requires surrendering our own ego. This teaches selflessness.

Helping anyone in need builds moral courage, resolve, and faith in human goodness. This uplifts our own spirits.

Listening deeply to anyone's woes engenders solidarity with the human struggle. This bonds us to our shared humanity.

Putting aside our complacency to aid underprivileged groups expands our compassion's reach. This is spiritually nourishing.

In tonglen meditation, breathing in others' pain transforms it into wisdom and purpose. Their challenges become our teachers.

Breathing out comfort, relief and happiness to others heals our own pain in the process. Their joy becomes ours.

In summary, true compassion must include ourselves. Serving others in need collaborates with them to mend our shared brokenness. This fills us all with love.

Three tactical concepts to face life challenges

Stopping Struggle:

Fighting against challenges creates more suffering. Flowing with difficult emotions allows them to pass through us. This saves energy.

Battling fears gives them more power. Accepting and investigating fears dissolves their control over us.

Resisting pain amplifies it. Acknowledging pain with equanimity softens its edge.

Judging ourselves for negative thoughts causes more negativity. Allowing thoughts to come and go without reacting tames the mind.

Forcefully suppressing problems strains us. Addressing problems with balance and care brings real solutions.

Using Poison as Medicine:

Lean into destructive emotions mindfully to glean their wisdom, rather than pretending they're not there.

Use negative experiences to cultivate insight into how suffering arises and how to avoid causing it.

Transform painful feelings into motivations for growth and contributions to others.

See failures and mistakes as vital learning lessons that improve future chances of success.

Revealing Awakened Energy:

Every being and experience holds latent joy and magic waiting to be uncovered.

The present, just as it is, contains all the energy we need to achieve tranquility and find meaning.

When we stop chasing fantasies, we appreciate the beauty and completeness already present.

Each moment, no matter how difficult, can deepen wisdom, compassion, and inner quietude.

The key is not to wage war against problems or defects, but to revealing the opportunities for light even in darkness. This alchemy creates peace.

Conclusion:

When Things Fall Apart illuminates how life's painful and frightening times can help us shed limiting beliefs, awaken our hearts, and uncover our inner freedom. By learning to meet life's inevitable challenges with mindfulness, hope and compassion instead of denial and struggle, we develop the inner fortitude to weather any storm. Pema Chödrön shows us how cultivating spiritual wisdom and practicing meditation in the face of adversity leads to greater peace and joy. This timeless book provides an encouraging and practical roadmap to awakening that we can apply throughout all of life's ups and downs.

#booksummary #selfhelpchampion #selfhelp #Selfhelpchampion

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kaesileigh · 2 years ago

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I so often feel so alone

in how I see the world

In how I’m feeling and what I need.

I recount the times that I’ve tried to share these intimate and very vulnerable pieces of my inner world with people--even people who love and care about me deeply, but who (on the most innocuous end) couldn’t understand or support or (on the most traumatic end) reacted negatively--rejected me, ghosted me, used these things against me.

There are things that have stuck with me from experiences over the years...

I had an ex who read a diary. I had recounted an incident that had happened to me in a park in San Diego. He later wanted to fuck me in a public place and when I expressed my discomfort with this, he became angry (in the quiet, psychopathic way) and manipulative saying I’d “let someone do this to me before”; he wanted to have the same access. (That was the tip of the iceberg with him). This is when it came to light a. that he had invaded my privacy and b. what a fucking bastard he was. Although, it took years to untangle that attachment and, in some ways, the process of healing is ongoing.

I was involved intimately with someone who could not meet me emotionally in the vulnerable space of sharing our inner world. We were both broken. Badly. In retrospect, he was responding from his own trauma. We actually met in and bonded in our individual deeply traumatic spaces...which created this unique (addictive) intimacy -- which I have come to realize was more illusion of depth and connection (or maybe this is the narrative that I’ve landed on in order to accept and better cope with the pain of loss)...We hurt each other. I was deeply hurt by his checking out in the midst of my sharing my vulnerabilities and needing emotional support. My way of coping with this --suppress it in attempt to maintain the superficial connection...resulting in outbursts of “truth” (with very sharp and aggressive language) in moments of anxiety or intoxication. Patterns that created more and more of a chasm between us...our connection--a manifestation of natures’ inevitable evolution--everything deteriorates, alchemizes, death and rebirth...forest fires--nature’s way of regenerating through death and destruction. Ultimately leading to the present where, after months of trying to navigate a friendship, we are no longer connected in any way. There are levels of grief.

Very recently I was talking with a guy who, in all first impressions and deductions based on social media inquiry is far from aligned with my soul-being...yet triggered my enjoyment of attention and desire for sexual empowerment and exploration. (Holy run-on sentence)...I have a tendency to operate in extremes--working on living and dancing in that middle-ground. I test the waters (by waters I mean him) by seeing how he responds to my “neuroses” (the things that freak people out, my intensity...even though I recognize that even the most capable and decent people often don’t respond well to bombardment...most are more receptive to gradual introduction...but then that gets into the territory of how we modify and moderate and “tame” our personalities to better suite the masses...but in doing this, are we actually limiting/preventing the attraction of and manifestation of the better-aligned because they are the ones who are drawn to that intensity? Another bit of shadow discovery--I do the EXACT things/react in the exact ways that I find so hurtful when people come at me with the energy that I’ve just described. Aint that some irony. I shut down. Or ghost/avoid. There’s something that repels me. Like it instantly kills the attraction. And perhaps because this is my experience when confronted with that energy in another person, I assume that everyone will react that way to me. And also, because I respond that way, there must be a part of me that rejects these aspects of myself.

How do I heal that?

And, I suppose, until I heal that, I will continue to reject [arguably] some of the most important aspects of myself and thus prevent the attraction of people who will accept these aspects. Or at least keep people at a “safe” distance.

I remember thinking for most of my adult life that I was incapable of forming deep connections--of getting close to people. I didn’t know how. I was in a pattern of such self-rejection and loathing that I couldn’t fathom letting people into that inner-world. And the people who I actually let in, further solidified that this landscape was grotesque and shameful. Why did I choose THOSE people to let in? We accept the love we think we deserve?

In enneagram speak, I am recognizing the deep sense of inadequacy from 4, my core type. I recognize the perfectionistic, fixation on what is wrong and needs to be fixed from my 1 arrow. The manipulation in order to get affection, attention and “love” from my 2 arrow.

I desire to live in a space of deep love and acceptance of myself. I noticed this morning as I was walking into the grocery store, I was hyper-aware of how “frumpy” I looked--I was rolling in fresh out of bed to get some cream for my coffee. And was struck by how often it’s my experience to be living in the “not enough” energy. In constant comparisons. That’s a 4 tendency as well--everyone is superior or inferior...

I’ve tired myself out.

Time to get out of my head and into my body

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nevermindtheweights · 2 years ago

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chubbykanmuses:

“…”

Hacchi fell silent for a moment, merely listening to Hibiki’s words. She could… feel, that they were weighed by the Destroyer’s own experiences and problems, of which she could glimpse every now and then within these moments of intimacy, sharing in each other’s trust.

She held Hibiki close, fingers carefully, slowly rubbing at her arm, gaze slowly rising to meet her partner’s own, worried about the swirl of thoughts going on inside of her head. Hacchi panicked inside for a moment upon looking at Hibiki’s grave expression… yet she didn’t pressure her.

“I… know of that, mein fraulein. Truth be told, she eluded me for years, decades even. After our break-up, I felt worried about her, my affection never to subside no matter the passage of time, even if our love did… but she made sure to kept her whereabouts hidden… It was but a coincidence that we found each other here…

…but by the look of things, it does not seem like she reciprocates my willingness to rekindle our friendship. No matter how much I want for things to work out, I cannot force her,,, and it’s a bit frustrating, I must admit.”

Hibiki was... trying. She wanted to try and help, to provide advice. It wasn’t her sorta thing. No-one wanted aid from a girl like her, she was sure of it. Her perspective and general malaise to her manner tended to taint her view and much else she could do. While she knew not the guilt in which Makigumo carried, she was someone who also carried that sort of baggage. She knew what would appease her soul if possible, that being able to talk with those and know in that moment she didn’t owe them her life, that her being here was allowed and okay.

That she could move on instead of feeling as if her mere existence was not allowed and that any joy she earned from this borrowed time was an affront to those she cared for and loved. It.... she hated it. Hated herself, even.

The aspects of relationships like this were new to here too. Love of comrade and family was one thing but this was romantic love. Of bonds deep between found souls... Hibiki couldn’t really relate and perhaps that made this harder to accept. She swallowed.

“.... True.... But....” She hesitated. “Sometimes we have to force things.... sometimes we... have to take that step... we have to... talk while we still can. Hiding solves... little. You both ended up here, be it providence or... divine will... You’re here and... if she knows you as well as you know she does.... she knows that avoiding will work because you... won’t force it.”

She didn’t like saying that it should be forced. That it needed to happen. It felt like ash upon her tongue. Life was hard though. Things had to be done, even if those involved didn’t like it or seek it. Sometimes things HAD to be done.

Like talking to your ex who bares the weight of perceived pained experiences. Like.... accepting yourself and walking beyond the base....

"Looking lovely today, as always mein fraulein. What are your plans for the day~?"

She's squeezing her closer, enough for the destroyer to feel Hacchi's pudge against her.

"Hmmm.... No plans. You're going to make us some plans."

A simple and very typical style of reply for Hibiki.

#Muse: Hibiki

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rrogueamendiares · 4 years ago

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So @mondfuchs and I have a lot of feelings over these two and this is the result: Eskel and Geralt reunite after not seeing each other for a long time -

#ok i forgot the scars again #we'll just ignore it #but the intimacy of their friendship? the pain they shared? THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER SO MUCH #a brief summary of our conversation #eskel x geralt #geralt x eskel #the witcher #the witcher fanart #the witcher 3 #geralt of rivia #eskel #geralt fanart #eskel fanart #my art #art prompt #gereskel

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rosepetalmark · 4 years ago

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it was good until it wasn’t

↬ pairing: kim doyoung x reader ↬word count: 3k ↬ genre: angst, mentions of fluff ↬warnings: mentions of sex, it’s pretty sad (you may shed a tear or two i’m v sorry) ↬ synopsis: breakups suck, especially when you’re still in-love and don’t understand where you both went wrong.

he makes it look so easy.

ignoring your texts, coming home late, barely saying a word to you when you’re together. you can’t hate him for it though, you’re the exact same.

you wonder why he doesn’t break up with you already. your relationship was basically hopeless at this point and you both know it isn’t going anywhere- it hasn’t been going anywhere for months now.

it pains you seeing him not stare at you lovingly anymore. you grew so fond of the idea of spending hours on the phone talking about the dumbest things, staying up late watching reruns of your favourite shows, even making him do face masks with you when you wanted to do self care days. you knew he loved it of course, but he always played it off as something he detested because seeing you pout over his lack of interest in a sheet mask always made him love you ten times more.

you haven’t felt his touch in two months. it was like you were living with a ghost, the feeling of his presence ever so prominent, but the actual feeling and embracement of him completely diminished. every morning he’d wake you up by kissing both your cheeks, quiet laughter humming from his chest as he admired your sleepy presence in his quest to get you to start your day.

now you wake up to the sound of him sighing as he leaves your shared bed, his empty presence filling the quiet room, causing you to feel lonely.

never in the several years of knowing doyoung did you ever imagine that his presence would become something that no longer brought you happiness.

you’ve both drifted, but you’re still together- too stubborn to admit to yourselves and each other that this relationship has run its course, forming a cohabitation with one another rather than maintaining a loving, healthy relationship.

it’s complicated, you like to believe. trying to puzzle together when everything went wrong. but you can’t because all you remember is that one day you were both madly in love with one another and the next you acted as if you were strangers.

deep down you’re scared. you’ve spent so many years and time and effort in your relationship with doyoung that you don’t truly know what life outside of him is like.

you may not have long talks anymore or stay up late watching movies or even have sex- damn you missed the days where you both would divulge in sex multiple times a week, but gosh did you find solace in his presence.

when he’s not there in bed beside you when you wake up each morning you feel empty, like a piece of your heart has been ripped out of your body and hidden halfway across the world for you to find.

he’s all you’ve touched and laughed and connected with in years and to have that ripped away from you is beyond frightening.

he’s all you know.

you yearn for the days when you were fresh in love and could never keep your hands off each other, wanting to be in each other’s presence 24/7. sadly the days of two twenty years olds having quickies in the backseat of a car and drunkenly singing karaoke at three in the morning on friday nights at the local bar were long gone. you’re not two college kids in love anymore, just two completely different adults who fell out of it.

it hurts reminiscing about the way his hands would find your waist and how his chin dipped into your neck when he found you speaking with your friends at parties; the way he would sing to you when you had trouble falling asleep, bringing you to his piano to play you whatever melody he created earlier in the day just to bring you comfort, even if it meant he was losing sleep in the process.

you especially miss his attempts at making you iced coffee in the morning. it was such a mundane act, but no matter how hard he tried and how closely he followed the instructions you gave him (not as if making iced coffee was hard anyways), he’d always make it too bitter. but you still drank it anyway, because you loved doyoung with every fibre in your being, and anything he did for you made you appreciate and fall in love with him even more. everything he did for you showed how deeply he loved and cared for you.

now you don’t get any of it. no obnoxious flirting when out in public. no beautiful nights falling asleep to his soft, angelic voice, wrapped up warmly in his tender arms. and especially no bitter, watered down iced coffee.

you’re lucky enough if he holds your hand when out in public with friends, not wanting anyone to clue in on the lack of intimacy and love that ceases to exist between the two of you.

you used to be that annoying couple who couldn’t get enough of one another, always finding ways to be in each other’s presence whenever you went out together, wanting to show the world that you were his and he was yours. now you can barely look each other in the eyes for more than five minutes without an unnecessary argument beginning to brew.

you wish you could have that all back. the routine. the peace. the love you both shared. you’re just two adults who can’t even be mature enough to break off a six year relationship because you’re both too comfortable with the thought of one another; too scared to leave what you’ve built as a couple to realize that this once great love affair has turned into something so sad and toxic, pulling you back from what you both deserve in life.

your friends have been telling you to sit down and speak to him about your feelings, his urging you both to call it quits for months now, claiming you’re making your friendship dynamic awkward, and in the end only harming yourselves. but they don’t understand what it’s like to have something so beautiful ripped from your hands without a warning, because that’s what this all felt like. as if someone swooped in and stole your bond with doyoung, when in actuality it was just the two of you growing apart-one thing you never thought would ever occur.

those four dry months eventually turned into a fifth, and that’s when you knew you had to pull the plug. you couldn’t keep living like this- wasting your life and heart and energy on a relationship that ended so long ago. it was draining the life out of you both and it was painfully evident in your faces.

the days of crying over him have long passed, making it much easier to process that you won’t ever be with him again, mentally checking out after the first two months this distance became a regular occurrence. that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt ending a love that once was your everything.

you remember so clearly the day doyoung asked you out. it was a monday after a lecture you both shared, the both of you walking alongside campus, too invested in your conversations with one another to say goodbye. you both knew you had feelings for one another, every interaction between the two of you held an abundance of smiles and rosy red cheeks.

he bit the bullet and asked if you wanted to grab dinner some time, just the two of you and away from your chaotic friend group, wanting it to be an actual date and not a group outing.

that was six years ago, and the butterflies you felt in your stomach the moment he said he wanted to date you still linger when you think back to such heartfelt innocence.

when you finally decided enough was enough and the words eventually left your mouth, he wasn’t even upset. he showed no sign of emotion, a stoic expression stuck on his tender face, only a nod of agreement following your difficult confession.

he knew he didn’t have to say anything and you didn’t expect him to. there was no fighting for something that didn’t exist anymore. doyoung may have been your boyfriend by title, but these last few months he was just doyoung. not your lover. not your best friend. just doyoung.

a stranger you know who’s smile and laugh and kisses you’ll forever have ingrained in your brain, but have not come into pure contact with for an unreasonable amount of time.

and you can’t even hate him for this breakup because he hasn’t done anything wrong. you simply grew apart, and you hate how you drug it out for so long where it got to the point where you can’t even look him into the eyes without feeling some sort of pain and resentment. the only thing you wish you could go back and change was to talk about it, because who knows, the both of you could have either resolved whatever underlying issues you had, or you would’ve been broken up by now- not stranded and confused as to where your life and relationship is going.

you never pictured you’d end up like this, assuming by the time you were in your late twenties you’d be engaged, with a dog, constantly looking at homes online for you and doyoung to one day grow your future family in. you so desperately wanted to be his forever, the one he turned to for everything. the father of your children, the greatest love of your life the entire world had to offer.

that was all in the past now.

the entire “official” breakup didn’t even hit you until doyoung was moving his stuff out of your shared apartment, little pieces of him vanishing as each minute passed.

the picture of your two year anniversary is no longer on display in the living room, the frame facing the table to signal that the once happy couple in that old photograph are no longer together and madly in love.

the pastel flower magnets doyoung loved to collect and place on the fridge ceased to exist, leaving your kitchen slightly less colourful and fun as they were tossed away in one of the many random boxes he got from the hardware store earlier.

even the ugly rustic coffee table you hated but he adored- something that totally clashed with the aesthetic of the apartment but reminded doyoung of his childhood, all removed from your shared space and never to be seen in your presence again. you begged doyoung for a new one years ago but he always managed to convince you it had charm, always flashing you a wide grin in his process to win your heart over. you never thought the day would come where you’d miss seeing it in your living room.

everything was so clean and spacious. everything was gone.

it was weird seeing your once cluttered home look so different. yet despite all the space, every single memory and experience you shared with doyoung was ever present in your mind, overwhelming you all at once as no future memories between the two of you will be made.

it felt like just yesterday you both signed the lease, accidentally spilling red wine on the brand new white rug doyoung bought an hour after you got the keys, knowing you were eyeing it for months online, refusing to buy it until you officially had a place together. you were both so excited to start your lives here. to be young and to evolve and to explore your relationship in a manner more romantic and mature than you had the last few years.

all his instruments and songbooks that were once scattered in the corner of your living room are gone, packed in their cases and in doyoung’s car, awaiting their new home once he takes his remaining items and leaves.

it hurts the most when thinking about the bedroom. you haven’t slept there since he started packing his things four days ago, not wanting to get emotional over half the room and its belongings disappearing with what felt like a snap of the fingers.

but you had to make your way in there now, because all you could hear coming from the thin white wall down the hallway were soft, hiccupped sobs- such emotion you weren’t familiar with in months.

part of you wants to let him be and pretend like you hear nothing just so he can gather his thoughts and belongings and be on his way.

but you can’t. because despite how much you tell yourself that this is for the best and you’re past everything, you’re not. there’s a huge part of you that still cares so deeply for doyoung and you wouldn’t ever wish pain on him.

quietly walking into your bedroom towards your once shared bed, you sit beside him. grabbing his hand, you can feel the warmth radiating from his body, reminding you of the days you’d go on long walks, him never letting go of you because he never wanted to break physical contact.

“hi.” you whisper, not entirely sure how to spark a conversation with him. you haven’t been this vulnerable with him in what feels like forever, the last time you saw him cry was over two years ago when your relationship was seemingly at its best. he hasn’t been this upset was when he thought he lost taeyong’s dog, but it turned out that it was yuta’s day to watch him while he went to work.

“hey.” he says, his voice raspy and shaky due to the tears, his face red with anxiety.

“so we’re really doing this, huh?” you ask, your voice beginning to shake as well. seeing doyoung cry always breaks your heart, and the fact that he’s doing so after you both ended things makes you want to crawl in a hole and never leave.

this was hitting you too hard. so much harder than you could’ve ever imagined. you thought that because you both just fell apart and seemed unbothered by such a drastic change in your lives and relationship that he’d pack his things and you’d both be on with your lives. but now that you’re both separating from one another for good when all you’ve known was each other for years, it’s soul crushing.

doyoung is here in your once shared bedroom holding your hand and crying with you because you both failed to make your relationship work despite having such strong feelings for one another.

you love this man so much, yet you know there’s nothing you can do to bring you both back to the state you were once in. you’re different people now, and you can’t mold back into the two young, horny, and madly in love college sophomores anymore thinking you’re going to be together forever.

“god i hate this!” he yells in between sobs, his face getting more and more red as the tears stream down his face. and you hate this too, because you didn’t think this whole process would cause each of you to bawl your eyes out because you don’t want to leave a love and comfort you’ve both outgrown.

you wiped his tears with your fingers, caressing his cheeks to reassure him that none of this is his fault. you needed to be strong for him and yourself, because unfortunately this is life and even the shittiest things happen to good people.

falling out of love unfortunately falls into that category.

he places a kiss on your forehead and wraps his arms tightly around your frame as a final goodbye, embracing all of you within these last few moments as a reminder of how much love and respect he has for you.

“so this is it.” he whispers softly, slowly getting up from the bed and untangling himself from his previous hold on you, acting as if his emotional outburst didn’t even happen, composing himself to make this already hard process the slightest bit easier.

matching his actions, you get up as well and follow him out of the bedroom, glancing back at your half empty room and feeling your heart shatter.

no more stealing his sweaters when you’re cold and want to be comfy. no more late nights of talking or making love. no more doyoung.

“this is it.” you whisper back, not having much to say, the tightness in your chest growing further as you continue to relish in such heartbreak together. you were each other’s first serious loves, and not having that constant in your lives will be such a heart wrenching adjustment.

“i love you, doyoung.” you say, needing to remind him that there will always be a part of him in your heart and that you’re sorry things ended this way.

“i know, love. i’ll always love you. i’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“i’d like that.” you nod, the emotions filling up your chest, suddenly making it hard to breathe knowing this is all happening now. “be safe getting to your apartment.”

“always.” he winked, tears evident in his eyes as he began to turn his body away from yours and towards the final box beside the front door, turning the knob and leaving for good- gone from the love and home you’ve both invested so much time and warmth into.

you’ve spent so much of your life with this man, planned so much and anticipated such a beautiful future just for it to end and for you both not to know how to fix the broken pieces you left each other in.

maybe someday in the future you and doyoung will get back together and plan that beautiful wedding and have those three beautiful kids in a big house with a pool and a baby french bulldog.

but as for now you are letting go.

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct 127 scenarios #doyoung scenarios #doyoung imagines #nct 127 imagines #nct smut #kim doyung #nct #nct 127 #nct angst #kim doyoung scenarios

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