#but the french made it gayer

[the-crow-binary]

So I bought the CoD mangas in french, just to see the differences the translation had with the english one, and if there was some pearls... well, there was <3 (and also big fails such as a succubus saying that Trevor is Dracula's son LMAO) I don't have the will to follow everything with pictures so it's only going to be english quotes VS the french version I'm sorry lol

Tl;Dr: Isaac and Hector have raw gay sex in the French translation

At the beginning of the first volume, in the english version, Isaac refers to Dracula as "chief our clan of the night". But the french version have him say "master of our dark family" instead, that's cute. <3

English Isaac: Humans shall regret their sins, and the glory of god shall fall to earth. French Isaac: They were promised forgiveness for their sin, but all they got is death. Men will end up disavowing their god

That's RAW. (the french translation had such savage lines I SWEAR)

Also I will refer to "English X" and "French X" to separate the english dialogues VS the french versions, because it's much more simple, and also kinda funny.

English Isaac: I beg of you, grant me the duty to hunt down Belmont. French Isaac: Lord ! Let me prove this Belmont that you are the greatest !

Isaac is as much, if not even more of a simp in french. Good for him. Good for him.

In english, when Dracula talks about Hector's disappearance, and think about the possibility that he might have betrayed him, he says "I hesitate to consider the possibility"

In french, he says "I hope I am mistaken" :) Do with this what you will. :)

English Isaac: F-forgive me, I was out of line... French Isaac: Forgive me, master... I dared doubting you.

As @beevean said: "French W. For the "master" and for Isaac admitting he doubted his Lord... And he was right <3"

At some point, as Isaac is on the hunt for Hector with some dudes, said dudes start talking among themselves in the english version.

"But at a critical time like this... to have us search for someone who might not even be alive ? The count must be mad." "That's true."

Isaac is listening to them, because they're like, right here. But they're not talking to him directly... FRENCH TRANSLATOR DECIDED THEY WERE GOING TO WISH FOR DEATH, THOUGH. By making the dudes directly ask Isaac: "Sir Isaac, don't you think Count Dracula lost his mind ?"

THOSE GUYS HAVE A DEATH WISH I SWEAR. YOU DON'T ASK ISAAC SUCH A QUESTION UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR HEAD ROLLING ON THE FLOOR THE VERY NEXT SECOND- On another note, they also refer to Isaac and Hector as "the two wings that leads [their] army". Symbolism <3

On the same page:

English dude: Oh well, it means that the count favored Lord Hector that much... French dude: Hector... He was the Count's protégé, so he-

Do you hear it ? The sound of Isaac's heart breaking under the weight of his inferiority complex ? :) Oh Hector wasn't just "favored", he was Dracula actual protégé. That's worse <3 I love this <3 (for those who didn't read the manga, Isaac gets mad and almost cut the guy's throat for this. Just in case you doubted his inferiority complex <3)

English dude: F- Forgive me... English Isaac: You greenhorns. You can't even sense his presence. French dude: I... I'm sorry... French Isaac: Shut up ! You're nothing but a worthless punk not even capable of feeling an aura !

ISAAC IS SO MAD AND OFFENDED IN FRENCH LMAO

English Isaac: We're going. Hector is not dead. English dude: ! That means.. English Isaac: That's right. He's close. Hector... So after all, he is... French Isaac: We're going ! Hector is not dead ! French dude: ! Do you think he... French Isaac: Yes, he is close. Hector... I tracked you down.

So, in the manga, this is the moment the realisation that Hector is alive and might have betrayed them starts to settle in... And all Isaac can think of is getting to Hector, more than the implication that he is a traitor. He's obsessed. <3

Alright... Hector has a whole speech about strenght. Here how goes the english version:

"Power is absolute. That's right. I used to always believe that. No matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I knelt, God would do nothing for me. In the end, it was about power. Pure power... and when it came to power, there was nothing greater than a demon's power.. Even if it was learned from a demon. Power itself was neither good nor evil... But. But after all, a demon's power is a demon's power. No matter how powerful it is, cursed powers bring nothing but unhappiness. And that is.. the demon's power."

Now, how the french version goes:

"In this world, strenght is power. I've been thinking about this for a while... men can pray with all their spirit, god will never do anything for them. In the end, pure strenght wins. However, there is nothing more powerful than the demon's power. And even if your learned it from the devil... you forgot strenght doesn't know neither good nor bad. So...That I am one of yours or not doesn't matter to me ! The demonic power doesn't make any distinction ! As great as they are... Demonic powers can only bring chaos. This is... The strenght of the devil !"

Do with this what you will. For context, he is in a house rn, with Rosaly, his future love interest, and a little boy, Ted, who asked for his help to kill a werewolf (who went into the house because he was tracking Hector). At the end of the speech, he kills him. Then comes this dialogue:

English Hector: Is this my power that you wanted ? A demon ? French Hector: Was that... the help I begged for ? The help of the Devil ?

Oh yes, Hector asking Ted if this horrible cursed power is what he truly wished for when he pleaded for his help and comparing himself to a demon is great. But Hector talking to himself ? Realising how horrible Dracula's "help" actually was, that he turned him into a monster ? That's the real deal. <3

But this even made Hector's aura known by Isaac and the guys hunting him down with him. In both english and french, the random guys sense it this time (they didn't the first time, only Isaac), as much as they sensed the werewolf dying. They don't want to believe Hector killed him, at first, but then Isaac smirks and says:

English Isaac: It was Hector. French Isaac: I know it's him !

:) And as if French wasn't fruity enough...

English Isaac: Even if you guys can't tell... I can. French Isaac: You, you don't feel anything ! But me, I feel it in the deepest part of my body !

He is literally SO GAY AND I LOVE HIM.

English dude after Isaac slashed one of hem: What are you doing, sir Isaac !? French version: Sir Isaac !!! Have you lost your mind ?!?

French translation doesn't take no shit.

English Isaac There is no need to report... French Isaac: Inform the count ? Pff ! Useless...

I'm sorry but FRENCH ISAAC REALLY WANTS THAT FRENCH HECTOR'S ASS.

Ok so this is the part where we see small Isaac and Julia (because even without a name and a face, I'm still sure it's her), and DAMN

English bapy Julia: Falls English bapy Isaac: What are you doing ? Hurry and get up. English bapy Julia: But I'm so-- English bapy Isaac: We have to hurry. French bapy Julia: Falls French bapy Isaac: What the hell are you doing ?! Get up, come on ! French bapy Julia: Yes but I... French bapy Isaac: Shut up ! We gotta hurry !

FRENCH MADE BABY ISAAC SO MEAN. POOR JULIA. SOBS.

Interesting fact: When a servant comes to teenager!Isaac to tell him that Dracula "summons him to his room", french use the word "chambre". Wich is a word commonly used to refer to the bedroom. :) So he's saying "Count Dracula summons you to his bedroom." :) Mhm. :) Not to mention Hector is already there... So if anyone ships Isaacula or Isaactor or Draactor, that one's for you. <3

Start of the second volume. The french translation is kinda weird. In english, we see (what I assume are) distressed demons' voices, saying Death has been killed and it was the Belmont's fault. They clearly don't like him. And then we see a succubus who says "well, of course, the one coming with Belmont is your son, after all, count.".

But in french... the voices are HAPPY to see Trevor ?? So it seems they're not devils' voices but regular people's ? AND THE SUCCUBUS SAYS "the presence of the Belmont is not surprising, since he is the son of Count Dracula" ???????? Looks the french can't get a W everytime. :(

English Hector: A great many of us will be coming... French Hector: You can be sure he will come !

We're back on Hector, who tells Ted that he has to go to make sure him and Rosaly stay safe. English version refers to the hords of monsters / servants of Dracula that will come (including him in it, because he sees himself as a demon <3). But french Hector doesn't care about them. He only cares about one person, who he knows is on the hunt for him. I guess it's up to the reader to decide if he's thinking of Isaac or Dracula. :)

Then in english, he also says he learned the dark arts in a castle.

"I immersed myself in evil. And I commanded evil. My powers attract the ways of darkness. They are cursed".

While in french, he goes:

"To the east from here, there is a castle where the devil lives. I learned from him. He taught me how to give life to demons."

I just think it's pretty gay nice that he gives credits to Dracula. He almost sounds like he cares about his old mentor... :)

Then comes the Isaactor raw gay sex reunion scene:

English Isaac: I've been wanting to see you, General Hector. French Isaac: I missed you so much, Hector !

FRENCH ISAAC IS LITERALLY SO NOT STRAIGHT I'M OERIGHMSELKGMRESKLGNMSEKLDRNGMN Pretty sure the french translation shipped Isaactor (but also Hecula but also Draactor), because Hector responds with

English Hector: So, they've caught up with me already... Isaac. French Hector: At last, you caught up to me, Isaac !

French Isaac and Hector are so happy to see each other &lt;;3 Kiss with tongue when?

English Isaac (after a little speech to convince Hector to come back): Otherwise... You'll fall victim to my spear right now, Hector. French Isaac: If you refuse... Then you'll be forced to taste the rust of my spear.

Holy FUCK, ISAAC. WAW. That's hot.

English Hector: Ha ha ! You... Did you acquire your powers just so you could become Dracula's pawn ? French Hector: Haha ! I see. So you acquired all this power to become Dracula's pawn, right ?

The change here is pretty subtle, but it makes Hector more agressive and I kinda like it <3 He's like a salty ex lmao

English Hector: I am human. I sought this power so that I could remain human ! Not for anyone's sake ! For me !! For myself !! Not to be the pawn in some ridiculous plot for revenge !! French Hector: I am human ! I wanted these powers to accept myself as a human ! I didn't do it for anyone else ! Only for me ! Got it ?! Unlike you, it wasn't for a stupid and selfish plot for revenge !!

FRENCH HECTOR IS LITERALLY SO RAW.

English Isaac: Damn... You. You dare speak in contempt of your Lord ? French Isaac: That's it ? Are you finished yet ? As you wish ! Let's end it now !

I'm kinda sad we lost the mention of Dracula (because it showed Isaac putting Him over everyone else, himself included), but I'll excuse it because French Isaac was probably so shocked by French Hector's pure rawness <3 (in french, he then says "die!", but in a crude way. it shows how upset he is lol)

And then comes a very interesting part... :)

English Hector: Impossible... does this mean that Belmont has already...? French Hector: No ! Could it be Belmont ?

French so shipped Hecula. Look at how english Hector is shocked to feel the death of Dracula, not because he seemingly cared, but because Dracula is such a powerful being that he thought could not be easily defeated, and it happened so fast, and is the Belmont really that strong ? Did he really get to the Castle so quickly ?

But French Hector literally screams "No !", like he actually cared. Just like a victim of abuse who gets away from their abuser, but still loves them nonetheless. And friendly reminder that the French translation called Hector Dracula's "protégé". <3 I think the french translation shipped Hecula. <3

Anyway, Isaac goes mad, not much interesting fact to note except for some translation fuckery (Hector going "the count fled" instead of "they're out of control" (referring to Isaac's devils) ??? And Isaac "Dracula must lose" instead of "It can't be true, there's no way..." ??? this is an official translation btw, guys), but:

English Isaac: It's your fault, Hector. French Isaac: You are the one responsible for all of this, Hector.

Just a slight difference, but it makes French Isaac look even more salty lol

English Isaac: If... You... hadn't betrayed us... If... You hadn't run away... Then I wouldn't have had to leave count Dracula's side ! If I... If you and I had been there !! Then scum like Belmont would never have...!! Ngh... N- No... That's not it... If I... If I were at his side, at least... why...? why, sir ?! Why ?!! Why can we not even die together ?!! French Isaac: Hector... If you hadn't betrayed us... If you hadn't tried to flee like a coward ! Then I wouldn't have needed to get away from count Dracula ! You and... You and I... And also that Belmont. Us... Kh... Kh... No ! No no ! If I... If I had been by his side.. Dracula and I... why ? Why ? Why ? Why can't I disappear too, by his side ?

I'll let y'all decide wich one is more heartbreaking. <3 (I kinda struggle to properly translate the last french sentence tbh)

English Isaac: Damn you ! You, I will never forgive !! French Isaac: Never ! Never will I ever be able to forgive you !"

Aouch. <3 I don't know why is french making everyone even angrier, but I'm not complaining lmao

Then Isaac says, right before falling off a cliff:

English Isaac: Why...? Why ?! Why ?! Damn you !! French Isaac: Why... Tell me ! Why ! You...

How poetic. English Isaac curses Hector before his fall... Meanwhile French Isaac is only looking for answers. He is so not okay. <3

A bit later on, we see Isaac again, hurt in the forest:

English Isaac: Hector, damn you...! In that moment... Just barely... You missed ! You cut me... But you were being merciful with me !! Generous commander Hector... [The shame of having survived alone... How shall I make you pay for it ?] Hector... You always... You alone always kept yourself looking human ! You possessed more powerful sorcery than I !! And you were able to get closer to count Dracula over me !! You.. French Isaac: Ha... Hector ! During the battle... You only scratched me with the tip of your blade ! You mocked me... Look at how pathetic you made me ! You, the great Hector... [Being the only survivor makes me so pitiful... How do you intend to repay me ?] Hector... Since the beginning, you... you were the only one to act like a human... even though you wielded the satanic powers better than me, and you always were closer to count Dracula than me... You...

Did I say Isaac was not okay ? Every translation included. <3

Anyway, we leave the broken boy to join the healing boy and his future wife. <3

English Hector: You're so very optimistic always... Wait, no, I'm sorry. Why don't you ask me anything ? Didn't that boy tell you anything ? What I did, what I was running away from, how I killed that werewolf ? Who I am, and where I came from... English Rosaly: Your name is Hector. You have pretty silver hair, and you were injured. And you've never done laundry in your life. And you saved Ted and I. That's enough for me. French Hector: Rosaly, you always see the bright side of things, don't you ? I mean... Didn't the young boy tell you anything about me ? Or are you avoiding talking about it ? What I used to do. Who I was running away from and how I killed that werewolf. Who I am and where I came from... French Rosaly: What I know about you ? Your name is Hector, and you are hurt. You never hanged clothes, and you saved Ted and I's lives. All of this is enough for me.

Them. <3 There's a little, painful difference beetween "you are hurt" and "you were injured". Hector sure is hurt, haha ! :D

And now it's Isaac spying on Hector time !

English Isaac: Haha! Don't you seem so very happy... But... Have you not forgotten all about me ? But I've been thinking about you so much everyday since then. French Isaac: Haha ! Oh how happy he looks ! It looks like... It looks like Hector already erased me from his memory... And to say that I think about him all day !

French Isaac is so in love and broken <3

English Isaac: I see. That's right.. You must think I've died ! But I'm alive, all right-- A bit tired, but alive ! I have to teach you. Definitely in a way that'll make you happy. But not yet. First, I have to get a taste of what happiness is for people. That way, it'll be more... fun. Enjoy your temporary moment of peace... Hector. I shall send a gift to a coward such as yourself. You can look forward to it. French Isaac: I see... you are convinced I'm already dead. I might be a bit tired, but I am very much alive ! I will send you signals, and I'm sure you will appreciate it. But not now. First, you have to get a taste of what this famous "happiness" is for people. This way, the follow up will only be more... delightful. Enjoy your little peaceful life ! Hector ! I'm making you a gift that you are never going to forget... you are not going to be disappointed by the journey.

I have no idea what "signals" french Isaac is referring to, but hey, the rest is pretty cool <3 I like that in the french version, he says that HECTOR have to get a taste of what "happiness" is for people. <3 So he can break him harder. :)

There, it's over ! Of course I skipped most of the manga because the differences are not always worth mentioning, when the translations are not just, exactly the same in both languages, but I think I shared the most interesting. <3 I don't know if y'all understand how raw the french is without reading it directly yourself oerighermlgrelmsngmesklng I AM STILL NOT OVER HOW MEAN BABY ISAAC IS.

I hope y'all enjoyed ! I sure did. <3 Y'all feel free to ask questions or clarifications on the french version ! :3

[toasterlock]

If they don't put a dipplin on his rematch team in the second DLC, then I don't know what they even created that creature for

GameFreak is a coward for not putting an Appletun on Brassius's rematch team to match Hassel's Flapple and further hint at the gay marriage between them.

[therealvinelle]

Is it true that Tom Riddle has a different name in a lot of translations because publishers thought making the anagram in book 2 would be super important so they changed the name rather than just letting that one thing not work in the translation? What's Tom's name in your Norwegian copy?

I'll have you know almost everybody have different names in the Norwegian translation. I'm sure Harry would too, if the translator could get away with it, sadly his name was on the title card.

Some of this is for pronunciation, Hermione Granger is made Hermine Grang so we're not all sounding like Victor Krumm trying to make sense of her name, others are given more of an overhaul to convey the pun or vibe from the original name. Alastor "Madeye" Moody is Alastor "Galøye" Bister ("Galøye" is literally "Madeye", while "bister" means "terse").

Other examples of translations include the Black family being Svart (Norwegian word for Black) but by and large keeping their constellation names and spelling (with such exceptions as Alfar ("ph" isn't how we spell the f-sound, and the d would doesn't really work either - it's a phonetic translation of Alphard) and Narsissa (the c would be a problem)), and foreign characters like Victor Krumm and Gellert Grindelwald stay (almost: Victor is now Viktor.) the same, presumably because they're foreign in-universe.

For punny translations we have not just the names, but places and things being made punny to best reflect the original. Diagon Alley is made Diagonalgangen, "The diagonal hallway" that with the -en ending becomes "walking diagonally". Heh. Quidditch is rumpeldunk, the snitch is "snoppen" (a euphemism for penis. I commend the translator for making the game somehow that little bit gayer than it already was), Rita Skeeter is Rita Slita (conveying that she's an exhausting, tireless person), Cornelius Fudge is Kornelius Bleouf (a made-up surname that coincidentally is pronounced the same as "bluff"). It keeps going.

Some people didn't get punny names, simply names that captured the vibe. The Crouch family is now Kroek, Percy is Perry, and Tom Riddle (whom I'll get further into below) is Tom Venster.

(Though, since you've got me talking about one of my favorite niche subjects: the translator did make a pun out of Tom's name that isn't in the original series.

Tom is a common name in Norwegian, but it also is the word for "empty". We have an unrelated idiom, "full av faen" - literally "full of the devil", figuratively a malicious or cruel person. For use in conversation, I could use it about a person but also about a particularly grouchy cat. My friend had a horrible day so now they're full av faen, I tried petting that cat but it's full av faen.

The chapter where we meet eleven-year-old Tom Riddle is titled "Tom, eller full av faen".

I can only imagine the translator had been waiting four books to make that pun.)

In other words, yes Tom's name was trnaslated. In Norwegian the full name is Tom Dredolo Venster, with the anagram being "Voldemort den store" (Voldemort the great). That's right, we suffered even worse secondhand embarrassment in Norway.

I am quite fond of the translated name, as it in my opinion captures the vibe of Tom Riddle very well. An ordinary name with a very nice ring to it, and you don't actually know anybody else with that exact name. Dredolo, the oddball middle name, is as foreign yet fitting with the rest as Marvolo is in English. It's a name that rolls off the tongue.

The Danes, by comparison, have Romeo Gåde Detlev. Which is a very... eyecatching name, I've seen it go viral several times (along with the French Tom Elvis Jedusor), but the problem is that Tom was named for his father, an English gentleman in the 1920's, and this name sounds like a cultural melting pot. Gåde, originally the middle name that stood out and had Mrs. Cole assuming Merope came from an exotic background, is now the most normal name in there.

I want to be lenient, I do, the translator hadn't read Half-Blood Prince at the time and didn't know how much emphasis would be placed on Tom's name being ordinary. But, well, he made the name a different ethnicity, and I can only imagine he must have wanted the first name "Romeo" quite badly. We're left with a name that signals completely different things, which I do think is relevant when Tom's name being painfully Muggle and ordinary, growing up in 1930's London, had such an impact. Being perceived as foreign, which he would be with that name, would change things. His shedding the name to become Voldemort also takes on a very different meaning when he's an Englishmen who spent the first few decades of his life being asked if his parents fled the Soviet Union.

So, not a fan of Romeo Detlev.

As for Tom Elvis Jedusor, that one I have no problem with. Elvis wouldn't become a star until several decades after Tom's birth, and the middle name is supposed to be unusual anyway. The rest of the name sounds appropriately French, no notes. (Though the Danish translator should have taken some for how to give readers a funny, but plausible name).

[lizzypuppet1711]

things about toronto’s production of the great comet at crow’s theatre/musical stage co that i need everyone to know about because i am obsessed with this show.

as of writing i have seen this show five times.

very long under the cut:

full cast listed here. at time of writing, donna garner replaces louise pitre as marya, tyler pearse replaces lawrence libor as dolokhov, and ben carlson replaces marcus nance as andrey/bolkonsky. currently i’ve seen the og cast four times and the replacements once.

the stage is set up with seats on three out of four sides, with front rows at tables, back of house left and right sides at barstools, and a small balcony with some seats on house right. there are balconies on either side, with a revolving platform in the middle of the stage (revolving by being pushed by cast members or stagehands). seats around 200 people or so.

the actors are EVERYWHERE. it is so incredibly immersive

the music is very punchy

during prologue, everyone is taking shots as they’re introduced, except dolokhov, who drinks straight from the bottle and sprays it into the air

i’m a dolokhov girlie through and through and once he nodded hello at me during the prologue and i legit swooned

mary is walking around holding a program showing off the family tree, actors will point to them on tables etc

once anatole pointed at his face on it, pointed to himself, all in a very flirty manner

he winked at me during prologue once and i’m still thinking about it

evan buliung is acting his ass off as pierre

he is definitely is more gruff and acting focused (think dave malloy over josh groban)

at “hours at my screen”, pierre takes an audience member’s phone (from one of the tables… or once out of someone’s hands LMAO) and mimes tapping, scrolling through it etc

two stagehands move things on and offstage (such as the sofa, church props etc) and they are also in little costumes. it’s very adorable

dolokhov’s little soldier walk thing??? during moscow????? i’m sure there’s a reason for it bc both of them do it but i have no clue why it’s there???? love it tho

heeyun park as mary is also acting her damn heart out

private and intimate life has a faster tempo and is SUCH a banger as a result

an audience member gets briefly pulled up on the platform to be the cheap french thing, he typically kisses up their arm, hugs them, and sometimes sits on their lap a bit

pierre is playing the tambourine in the background during natasha and bolkonskys and it is honestly kind of funny

hailey gillis plays natasha very emotional and headstrong. her no one else has a sense of urgency, desperation, and deep longing

the platform is spinning and people are walking around and she is singing like an angel…

basically i want to be hailey gillis when i grow up

actors are rotating the platform during no one else and it ends with andrey standing behind her and pierre standing in front of her. no one talk to me i’m losing it

as the run has continued, dolokhov’s adlibs during his intro in the opera have increased drastically

lawrence libor as dolokhov had such an air and presence (rizz?) about himself i cannot DESCRIBE. the comphet he gave me… i miss him v much. he was also very much giving toronto mans. and he made SO MUCH eye contact. he loves to look at you. i miss him. i need him. who said that

tumblr theatre girlies you would go insane over lawrence libor. if this show had ANY b roll footage i know i would be seeing edits all over the place

i am president of the lawrence libor fan club and everyone should join me

tyler pearse as dolokhov has heavy frat boy energy. he is also gayer, and somehow, sluttier. gives short king energy despite only being an inch shorter than lawrence (apparently)??? don’t ask bc i don’t know either he just does. anyway thank u tyler pearse for making dolokhov bisexual for real

either way dolokhov is doing SO MUCH in this production. he is wild he is a whirling dervish he is arrogant he is a bastard he is everything to me

“YEAH BABEY LETS GOOOOOOO” -lawrence libor as dolokhov, upon his entrance

in one performance he would go YEAH BABEY three separate times in act 1. yeahh

flirting with a girl in the balcony, dabbing up a guy in the balcony, generally being hilarious

and tyler pearse leaning over the balcony, rose in his mouth, wolf howling… i can’t.

basically i can’t with this production’s dolokhov. i’m obsessed

anatole’s entrance… he’s a whore. all i can say

rita dottor (ensemble) does the high soprano bravooooooo and she always sounds so fantastic. live laugh love rita dottor

george krissa, who plays anatole, is probably the most attractive man in ontario. like if you googled hot guy he would be the first result.

“where did they find this anatole. was he made in a lab or something. he was perfect” — my friend after seeing it

tumblr theatre girlies you would also be obsessed with george krissa. like jeremy jordan andrew rannells level obsessed. please love these toronto actors with me

i’d let him ruin my life ANY DAY. it is a fact that lesbians love george krissa. i hope he knows

the way he plays it… my friend described it like “lucas steele is like an alien david bowie, and george krissa is a bridgerton man. just a very charismatic, but normal, guy”

while i would say that lucas steele’s anatole believes he is truly in love with natasha, i would not say the same for george krissa’s. some of the manipulation happening here during the opera is. quite clear

when he is entering the box natasha struggles to open her fan, fans herself frantically, under the arms etc. then when he enters immediately shifts to fanning in a cool and collected manner. hailey gillis master of comedy

“we are speaking of most ordinary things” is especially like. this is a male manipulator if i’ve ever seen one

natasha lost was added back in!! fantastic obviously

anatole checking his hair in the mirror before waking pierre up. fucker

“look dolokhov’s coming around… and we’re off to the CLEURB”

brendan wall (ensemble) walking around during the club scene with a glowstick necklace on is peak comedy to me

i’ve said it but tyler’s dolokhov is an absolute slut at this scene. and for what AND FOR WHAT!!!!

also fun tidbit but all the glasses (other than shots) and any clear bottles have real liquid in them. i am very concerned something will spill one day

when dolokhov gets right up in the audience’s face during “known only to his intimates” i LOVE it idk

during the duel, marya and rita steal off to house left directly beside the barstools and chatter about how bad of an idea this is, they’re so drunk, etc

special shout out to divine’s “he will kill you STOOPID HUSBAND” so good

dolokhov’s adlibs during the duel… i need him. sorry

dolokhov gets shot in the side rather than his shoulder, and unceremoniously rolls off the platform as it’s moving. looks painful

hélène screams when dolokhov is shot but not pierre. so much to think about here

a life changing dust and ashes from evan. i can’t describe anything more just that he’s incredible. i’ve learned so much about acting just by watching him a few times

natasha’s face at “am i guilty…” breaks my heart she is so tormented

we are canadians we are going to pronounce our french correctly! no more charmantay

hélène has started adding some very fun runs into charming as the run has gone on. divine brown marry me

anatole is shirtless during charming. btw.

again i know he’s gay and i’m gay but.

the entirety of this rendition of the ball has been stuck in my head since december

his “don’t lower your eyes i love you” that whole section is delicious i want to eat his voice

plus “BEWITCHING AND I LOVE YOUUU” UGHHH such an ear worm but only when it’s their voices

the choreo going on here is very nice btw

i love the way he says natalie at this part idk. it’s not overly enunciated and the vowel is just right <— vocal nerd

the kiss feels like it lasts forever

music gets very very loud at the end and you can feel it in your skin

also fun fact the house music before and after the show is orchestral but during intermission it’s electronic. bc. anatole. gah details

when marcus was still in the cast you could really hear his voice during letters and it sounded sooooo.

dolokhov’s stupid little thumbs up to indicate he will be ok. pleaseee. i laughed i did

generally lawrence would grab at the place he was shot at a lot; while pushing the revolve etc. loved that detail. (tyler does too but less so)

sonya and natasha just sounds so great. like they just always sound fantastic i love that song

sonya alone. yes i am weeping. yes camille eanga-selenge is everything i want to be and more. she’s phenomenal

dolokhov sitting in a big fuckin chair at the beginning of preparations just absolutely clearly regretting every decision he’s made to facilitate this. is great.

i know i keep talking abt lawrence libor but the image of him at this part is just. really great. to me. sorry

very campy and exaggerated scowling and grimacing from anatole

dolokhov is so sick of anatole’s shit

“here feel how it beats” is NOT entertained he pushes him back immediately

lawrence dolokhov’s “dawdling” business was him tuning his guitar i miss musician dolokhov sooooo much gah

balaga truly does not sing any of his lines. he is basically yelling the entire time. i don’t know how he does it. it’s chaotic and hilarious and so fun

sonya and mary hand out the egg shakers on house right and left respectfully

near the end of balaga, four audience members are brought up to dance with the cast! (i got to dance with mary once!)

dolokhov writhing on the floor during anatole’s long held note thank u

during the goodbye section, anatole comes around to said audience members and interacts with them; dancing with them, booping them on the nose etc, and at “kiss me one last time”, invites a lucky audience member to kiss his cheek. (this once, was me. yup. still processing it.)

once he accidentally knocked someone’s egg shaker from their hand, dolokhov picked it up, laughed, gave it a shake, and handed it back, and yes i’m still thinking about it

when they sit down, balaga and dolokhov will sit on the house right stairs, though once there was an empty seat nearby so dolokhov wedged his way in between two people, guitar and all. so fucking good

anatole will squeeze himself between two audience members on house left, put an arm around each, and look around at everyone sitting in that area, out into the audience, etc. if one is going to make eye contact with him, it is now

once he threw his head back to look at the people behind him, and someone, at the speed of light, took their phone out and snapped a picture of his upside down head. i scream laughed

lawrence’s BETRAYED BETRAYEDDDD was sooooo good. so so so good

hailey gillis is an absolute powerhouse during in my house

usually when “natasha’s whole body shook” she falls to the ground silently but last time i went she YELLED and i gasped so loud

at “i have refused him” louise would go NO in shock and i FREAK OUT ABOUT IT.

and i loved her “what then? would that be alright???”

“NATASHA CRIED OUT! GO AWAY! GO AWAY YOU ALL HATE AND DESPISE ME” sounds SO FUCKING GOOD!!! I LOVE YOU HAILEY GILLIS

when the call to pierre music starts i always get goosebumps

the fight choreo when pierre grabs anatole by the collar is very good

if we’re comparing to broadway, it feels less like anatole’s life is in danger here but like i’m not upset about it

at this point anatole does not seem sad or upset to me more just. pissed off that it didn’t go his way. like annoyed

as anatole leaves during pierre and anatole the staging has him stepping around/over natasha as she is choking from the arsenic and it is such a. show of his shallowness

his petersburg note is fantastic obviously. live laugh love george krissa

marcus nance (andrey) has such a deep and beautiful legit singing voice. it’s sooo gorgeous. any word that raises against marcus nance will fall.

I MISS HIMMMM ok sorry.

i am more sympathetic to ben carlson’s andrey, however. marcus was Incredibly stoic ben has a bit more emotion to him i think

i could swear sometimes hailey is actually crying during pierre and natasha

her “pytor kirillovich” sounds so tiny and fragile ugh my heart breaks

and his “…pierre” is so assuring AUGHH

it’s such a beautiful scene obviously. i love the two of them so damn much i hope only good things happen to them forever

“it was clear and cold” also. chills EVERY TIME

“having traced its parabola” and “like an arrow piercing the earth” hit me so hard i cannot explain

genuinely evan buliung gives the most effective inspiring fantastic mind blowing performance i maybe have ever seen on stage. he is such an incredible actor and he inspires me beyond belief

the end when the lights get really really bright and then fade out. god. so simple and so fucking beautiful

now this post is very long. thank u for reading it all if you did! (will update after seeing it more times if there’s things to say!!)

if you’re anywhere near toronto i BEG of you to go see it!! it’s closing march 24th :(( so if you get the chance i deeply implore you. beg borrow or steal a ticket just get there! best comet production ever in my biased opinion :)

[deathzgf]

( almost ) ALL MY AMREV + FREV WIPS ( 12 october - 5 november 2023 ) ! ! ! ! !

WARNING : long ass post jFDSFLKJSLF ( will all be under the cut )

NOTE : not everything is here ! a lot of my amrev + frev drawings are doodles ive done in class ( which i cant find ) + i Do Not Like a lot of them + Tumblr only allows so many images T___T

ah yes . . . the doodle that started it all . . . my good omens sona in the french revolution ! except i had no idea what i was doing at ALL and had no historical context ! which i now do have and it makes me ENRAGED for how good omens handled that era . . . why are they in the bastille in 1793 . . . ANYWAYS ! YEAH !

aaand because of that doodle , i researched frev fashion ! and guess what ! that robespierre fashion video came up ! wooo robespierre ! and then this was the first fucking thing i drew of him i cant . I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK HE MISSED SO BAD + HOW THE BULLET WOULD LOOK

BECAUSE after that i drew this ! pookie ! ! !

first saint just drawing . i was listening to angel with a shotgun on loop . . . and i thought . . . angel with a guillotine . . . get it cuz hes . hes angel of the terror . and . and . a

i dont have any explanation for this

i hate this . but first robespierre AND saint just drawing wahoo

first frev oc except the hair on that one drawing is red because i went back and changed it cuz i made their name Jules Le Roux and . You know . Red hair . yeah

jules and calixte ! ! ! calixte is @toastytrusty ' s oc and my sweet sweet little baby i love them dearly

. . . saint just doodle i forgor to come back to

JULES AND CALIXTE LORE

miku binder robespierre

saint just painting robespierres nails because :3

WE INTO THE AMREV NOW WOOO . anyways me when ive married and icarus and hes flown too close to the sun lol ( his wings are meant to be burning letters btw . yeah )

jules , calixte , and leonard interaction ! ! ! ! !

which didnt go well

this turned out gayer than intended i genuinely dont know what happened here

i wanted to continue this so bad but i fucking forgot about it but Uhhh uhhhhh uhhh

you know those vamp ! robespierre and vamp hunter ! saint just aus ? yeah

PLEASE STOP SAYING IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK IVE NEVER DRAWN A VIOLIN BEFORE PLEASE LEAVE HIM ALONE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE . anyways he playsss theee violinnn he tucks it right underr hisss chinnnnn

winning the idgaf war . unbothered . living his best life

theres a storytime for this drawing but ill save that for later . john adams ( 2008 ) scene redraw but instead of jefferson grabbing adams elbow its his waist except it looks awful and i need to redo it soo baddd

vamp ! robespierre and saint just ( ? ? ? i guess vamp hunter ! saint just cuz thats usually what goes with vamp ! robespierre but idk man ) . they were meant to be on like some moonlit picnic or some shit but then class ended and i forgor about this

donald trump , alexander hamilton , and thomas jefferson . need i say more ?

the ORIGINAL toxic doomed yaoi ( hamburr )

burr . boobies :3

that one scene from saint just et la forces des choses BUT AGAIN this turned out gayer than intended . why do they keep doing this

hey girl i think theres something wrong with your leg

semi modern band ! gay trio . . . thing . . . ? girl idk . but i gave up

making jules a proper ref ! who cheered !

AAAND THATS IT !

let me know if . you want me to finish any of these because otherwise theyre probably going to rot in my gallery HELP

[cantsayidont]

More bad movies:

LATENCY (2024): What's duller than watching someone else play video games? This tedious sci-fi horror story about an agoraphobic gamer named Hana (Sasha Luss), whose only real human contact is her friend Jen (Alexis Ren), going off the deep end after getting the opportunity to try a new AI-powered headset that she can use to operate game controls and other technology with her thoughts alone. Soon, of course, she's having disturbing hallucinations suggesting that she's being haunted, or even possessed. Luss is not nearly a good enough actor to carry what's almost a one-woman show — particularly one so thinly plotted — and the attempts at spooky reality-bending are rendered completely pointless by the idiotic premise, which recalls terrible pre-MATRIX movies of the '90s about virtual reality. Critics have praised the visual effects, but on home video, even with the brightness turned way up, the film is so underlit that I couldn't discern about half of it. About the only vaguely interesting point is a brief attempt to visualize the experience of having the game TETRIS seep into one's dreams; the finale also has some very weak echoes of MULHOLLAND DRIVE that only serve to remove the story's one remaining vestige of emotional reality. CONTAINS LESBIANS? At one point Jen teases Hana for inviting her into her bedroom without offering her anything interesting to do. VERDICT: Conceptually bankrupt and weakly executed; if there's an intelligent movie to be made about gaming as a phenomenon, this certainly isn't it.

THE OUTRUN (2024): Extremely dreary recovery drama, based on a memoir by Amy Liptrot (who co-scripted), about a young biologist, here called Rona (Saoirse Ronan), who retreats to Orkney after blowing up her academic career due to her struggles with alcohol while living in London. Paapa Essiedu costars as her former boyfriend Daynin. There's a scene about a half-hour in where the protagonist checks herself into an abstinence-only rehab program whose organizer declares, with appalling misplaced pride, that only 10 percent of participants will make it; I started feeling similarly about this movie, which is much like being caught in a heavy rain while on foot far from home, wearing sneakers with cracked soles. Ronan is quite good, but while Liptrot has praised the film as "fresh and authentic," every scene is a miserable slog — not even the scenery is pleasant, and its paean to 12-step programs (which substantial research now demonstrates are statistically worse than useless) made me itch. CONTAINS LESBIANS? No. VERDICT: I'm glad Liptrot got something worthwhile out of this, but you won't. Photosensitive viewers should be aware that there are some flashing light sequences in nightclub flashbacks (the worst starting around 40 minutes in).

THE SUBSTANCE (2024): Unsubtle, frequently disgusting sci-fi horror story from French writer-director Coralie Fargeat, about an aging TV fitness star, Elizabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore), using a mysterious new bio-engineering kit that allows her to create a younger, hotter version of herself, "Sue" (Margaret Qualley) — vapid, selfish, hypersexual, and irresistible to every man she meets — whom she can become for seven days at a time. It doesn't take long, however, before she violates the stringent rules that governs the process, and soon her two selves are at war, with horrific results. The first half is a deliberately paced, unsettling, and potent (if obvious and heavy-handed) statement about gender, beauty, and aging, overlapping somewhat with the gayer but more muddled LOVE LIES BLEEDING, albeit with more, and ickier, body horror. Unfortunately, about halfway through, Fargeat loses interest in trying to be creepy or thought-provoking in favor of escalating grossness, which culminates in an absurdly icky finale drenched in literal geysers of blood. CONTAINS LESBIANS? No, and it's curiously disinterested in the erotic implications of the premise, handcuffed by its own very conservative sexual politics. VERDICT: Visceral and visually striking, but ultimately not as audacious as it would like to be, and very, very gross. Be warned: The squeamish need not apply, and if you struggle with eating disorder, you should approach this film with extreme caution, if at all.

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY (1971): Critically acclaimed but unrewarding and very gloomy British drama about a 30-something divorced mother (Glenda Jackson) and a 50-something gay Jewish doctor (Peter Finch) carrying on separate but parallel affairs with the same younger man (Murray Head), who's ultimately not willing to give either of his lovers the kind of time or energy they want from him. A downbeat, thinly plotted slice of life, its basic thesis is that youthful notions of love and freedom are fundamentally incompatible with the weight of middle-aged responsibility, a point hammered home by Finch in the fourth-wall-breaking final scene. It's (otherwise) realistically rendered, with the basic premise treated with a refreshing lack of nervous tittering, but it's so glum that it's always kind of a drag, and the Head character is never allowed even half the dimensionality of his older partners. CONTAINS LESBIANS? No. VERDICT: Put me off for various personal reasons from the very first shot, and its sexual politics are as cheerless and inflexible as Margaret Atwood's, which is not a compliment.

[alisterix]

in 2016 i picked up duolingo for the first time to learn french because i wanted to read asterix comics in their original language. it is now 2023 and all i learned was that asterix and obelix are even gayer in french. also nice to see a cacofonix enjoyer i love the goofy lil guy

Is that so? It's the "bonne nuit beau gosse" and all the "mon Obélix" isn't it? Oh I'm dying to see the original gayness 👀🏳️‍🌈🇲🇫 I studied french in high school, also in 2016 (lol! the year of french apparently), I don't rememeber much now. But I recently decided to pick it up again on duolingo... take a wild guess why.

I love Cacofonix! Such a pleasure seeing fellow Cacofonix enjoyers around. I started this blog with gaylois shenanigans in mind and while it still is that it's also slowly but gradually starting to become a Cacofonix daily page. I mean, not that anyone's complaining. You know what... I feel pretty beaten down today but your ask made me smile. I decided to draw a little Cacofonix for you as a treat (and for myself, I'm not even gonna lie, drawing him is extremely self indulgent) <3

POV: you give him a much needed compliment that he didn't expect

It was about time I drew him with this lovely pink scarf he was wearing in La Zizanie! Goofy lil guy in his goofy lil scarf for a goofy lil serotonin boost

[dietraumerei]

Episode 5! I have ordered sushi for dinner, and also am actually hoping to get some use out of this little list of impressions, because Iiiiiiii am quietly but gently freaking out over how to write them outta this one.

i know he's a pita and I know he still thinks he can change heaven and he is going to break my heart but I just love this manipulative-ass angel. we cannot help how we are made.

once again, I am a simple creature, the fez made me smile.

i hope miranda richardson had the TIME OF HER LIFE filming this show

hi Eric!!

the running joke of Azi speaking absolutely shit french is honestly funny i love it

as a person who had to sit through meetings not unlike this for several years Nina's desire to talk about the Christmas lights made me SCREAM

crowley everyone thinks you two are married on account of you're married, sorry.

i know he'd bite me, but I want to hug crowley

I think my cat is audibly snoring from several feet away, aw, buddy.

from the credits, the bridges that shift and meet in the middle feel like a nice metaphor.

It really is noticeable that they don't linger over meals together, share a table. Crowley even set up this romantic little moment! At least they are on their proper sides?

TALKING Aziraphale WHAT A CONCEPT MAYBE YOU COULD TRY IT SOMEDAY

there is so much happening here with Crowley interrogating Jim and he loves Aziraphale so much and he's so angry and he has no idea what on earth to do.

real good, not pretendy good.

Crowley, you're so nice

why does this delicate little piano piece make me want to cry so hard

oh!! I love this little pastoral motif from the first season!

Of course Crowley can convince Nina to trust him, she's the Aziraphale stand-in. It wouldn't work the other way round.

JIM'S SUIT IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I WANT ONE I WANT TO WEAR IT EVERYWHERE I'M SCREAMING HE'S LIKE AN EVEN GAYER ORVILLE PECK AAAAA

Maggie, my precious babygirl!!!

oh that's a sweet discworld nod

this dance is so sweet but ngl I'm kind of wigged out by Aziraphale making everyone into...kind of dolls, to perform this evening.

ok, sushi break, played with the cat, and now I am back with water a nice glass of Shiraz.

hang I have to get some goss from a friend

how many awards does John Hamm have he deserves a few more.

shades of Caberet/Stories from Berlin -- they dance, as the world threatens to end around them, they dance and I die

oh this was a terrible angry dance. oh. oh this is what it's going to be like isn't it.

luckily I have [redacted] gossip to distract me I can't wait to watch this season over again without stopping every two minutes, lol.

crowley did you learn that rules-lawyering from Aziraphale or vice-versa or are you just both...like that.

"i won't leave you on your own" "i know" DYINGGGGGGG

also, tbh, the quick-talking is...really encouraging me to not have to write a fucking battle, which fills me deep and lasting ennui. Also I don't know if I want to *watch* a battle next season? They will talk and love and be brave out of this, not lead a platoon.

tbf I think that *does* about cover Miranda rights these days, weren't they kind of lowkey killed in the last term or three?

ok, last one. aaaaaaaaaaaaa

it feels like everything else was just weird dilly-dallying, and this is the episode where things *happened*. They almost properly talked to one another, instead of past each other.

[this-is-a-nice-show]

[ID: Sheet music for the audio above.]

No deep meaning really. I just limited the notes to just A and C (or the chords am and C).

Clarinets -> Use only C's

*French Horn -> Use only A's

Cello -> C and am alternating chord patterns

Double Bass -> Both C's and A's

*This was originally an English horn because (paraphrasing) "Upon meeting Aziraphale, people made three assumptions: he was English, he was intelligent, and he was gayer than monkeys on nitrous oxide." So... just imagine that it is. (But I'm partial a French Horn myself. And E is close enough to F.)

[saltpepperbeard]

girl you know I think you’re the bee’s 🐝 knees (there is no good emoji for knees) but also I’m like

🤩 she 🤩

and am 🙊 🙊🙊 whenever you talk to me so like ... 5/10 because like small Cate fangirled and yet also at the same time 1/10 because 🥔 Jodi 🌪 (that’s a potato tornado for you)

OH HUSH YOU. I’m absolutely not worthy to be greeted by your lovely messages/asks each and every time I return from a hiatus like? Hello??? TOO SWEET TOO PURE TOO LOVELY?????

And euhfjdshdsjkl OKAY YEAH if anyone is ever intimidated by me, I’m just like please look:

This is my essence. This is the Energy I put out compressed into a single gif HA.

[viscerax]

I'm back and gayer than ever

Ok so Vance with a rich boyfriend Vance just finds expensive clothes and jewelry on his desk at school walks home to find his boyfriend there with a nice ass car yelling "GET IN WE'RE GOING SHOPPING" and maybe some Vance mom moments

I need to see Vance get spoiled by a gremlin

thanks for dealing with my hyperfixation

A Rich Man's World

Vance was always surprised whenever he thought about the fact that he had somehow managed to make you fall for him. You were so perfect, always had clear skin, straight A's, a clean record, fancy clothes, and the most expensive cologne anyone could think of. And then there was him. He always thought of himself as scraggly. He was rough, a troublemaker, and while he definitely wasn't living in poverty, he wasn't exactly rich, either.

So whenever you gave him gifts, he never knew how to react. He loved it, sure. He enjoyed being spoiled, but he never knew how to repay you. You always told him you didn't need anything in return.

He already knew something was up when he got to his first class early, finding you already there, trying to act nonchalant.

You weren't a very good actor.

He walked over to his desk in the back of the classroom. Draped atop his chair was a jean vest. It didn't look expensive at first glance, but after observing the tag, the brand was some expensive French brand you had told him about many times. Placed on top was a sticky note with the words "for you, from your secret admirer" written in neat cursive, with a heart at the end. Vance shook his head and glanced over at you, whom was practically shaking at your desk with excitement.

He neatly folded the note and slipped it into his jean pockets before putting on the vest.

The teacher had come in about a minute later, and everyone settled into their seats.

While the teacher was turned and writing on the chalk-board, you turned around to find Vance already staring at you. Vance's face flushed a light shade of red. You smirked and mouthed the words "check the pockets" to him before turning around and facing the teacher again.

Vance sighed and reached his hand into one of the pockets, fishing around until he felt something cold and thin. He pulled it out to find his hand wrapped around a gold chain.

He wasn't sure how to react. He was never used to react when you gave him expensive gifts. One time you had gifted him a 100 dollar bottle of cologne, and he simply didn't know how to react. He rarely ever uses it. Not because he doesn't like it, but because he's scared to waste it all so quickly. You always told him that if he needed more, you would happily buy it for him, but he always felt guilty when you spent so much money on him.

He didn't see you for the rest of the day. The only class you guys had together was homeroom.

He was also surprised when he didn't see you on his way home. The two of you often walked the same route home. But maybe you just stayed behind at school to tutor or help out.

As soon as Vance walked into the house, he found his mom sitting at the dining room table, reading a book and sipping on some tea.

Vance tried to walk past her without saying anything about the new vest and necklace, but was quickly stopped when his mom practically sqeauled. "Oh hun! That looks so great on you. Did Y/n get that for you? That boy is so sweet. He is such a good friend. You make sure to tell that I said hi the next time you see him." Vances mother smiled and placed a kiss on his cheek. Vance just rolled his eyes playfully, a slight smile on his face.

"Yeah, sure ma." He sighed and quickly made his way to his room.

He spent the next hour simply lying in his bed, until he heard a voice call from down the hall.

"Vance, sweetie, get out here!"

Vance groaned and got out of his bed, slipping his shoes on and walking out to the living room to find the good slightly agape.

He opened the door to find you sitting in a fancy car, the kind of car he only saw in magazines. He had never seen one in real life. It was sleak and black. Vance laughed, seemingly stuck to the pavement.

You chuckled, giving him a wide smile and waving at him. "Get in loser, we're going shopping!" Vance smirked and excitedly ran calmly walked over to the car, not wasting another second before getting in. His mother stood in the yard and waved as the two drove off.

As soon as they were out of the line of sight of his mother, Vance leaned over and placed a kiss on Y/n's cheek. "My mother seems very fond of you. Told me to tell you she said hello." Vance sighed and leaned back in the seat, smiling excitedly as he looked around at the interior of the car.

"Wow, I guess I'm just making the entire Hopper household fall for me." You chuckled, moving one hand away from the steering wheel and placing it in between you and Vance. Vance looked down and immediately took your hand, but he tried to play it off like he didn't really care.

Vance was also a bad actor.

"Why'd you have to come and pick me up in this fancy car? I have a car to, you know. And where are we even going?" Vance looked over at you, thankful that your eyes were glued to the road so that you couldn't catch him admiring all of your features. "Not that I'm complaining! It's just, why waste all this fancy shit on me?"

You frowned, glancing over at Vance for a second. "Well first off, its not a waste. If you enjoy it, then its money well spent. If you don't like all the fancy shit, just tell me. I just want you to feel loved. Thats all." You hummed, once again smiling. "And as for where we're going. I figured we could go get something to eat. Your choice. And then we can go to the mall. And then after that you can come spend the night over at my house." As you went over the plans for the night, Vance couldn't help but well up with guilt. Was he being ungrateful? Sure he enjoyed everything you ever gave him, but he knew he would never be able to repay the favor.

Vance picked a local diner. It wasn't fancy, (but Vance seemed to think it was the height of luxury,) but you didn't care. Anywhere with him was good enough for you.

The mall wasn't very packed, which was surprising. Usually, a Friday afternoon was prime time for kids to go and hang out with their friends at the mall.

You and Vance very subtly held hands as you walked around, looking into all the stores. About half the stores you couldn't even go in due to Vance being banned for stealing or starting fights.

Vance didn't find much that really caught his eye except for a pair of boots that he thought looked "kickass" with his jeans.

Just as the two fo you left the mall, Vance looked over at you with a devious smirk that didn't go unnoticed. You turned to face him, tilting your head slightly.

"Can I drive the car? I swear on my mom I will not crash it." Vance gave you the kind of look he always gave you whenever he wanted something. He knew he had a chokehold on your heart.

You sighed and fished the keys out of your pocket, tossing them to him. You got in the passenger seat after putting your bags in the trunk, and very nervously put on your seat belt.

"Vance Hopper, I swear if you crash this car you will never hear the end of it." You mumbled. You wouldn't say you doubted your boyfriends driving skills.

Well, at least you wouldn't say it to his face.

The ride home was filled with many heartstopping swerves around corners, and practically yelling at Vance about running red lights while he just sat there, cackling, with the biggest smirk he could even muster.

You were relieved when you got home.

"I never thought you were a car guy, V." You sighed, unlocking the door to your house (Vance called it a mansion despite it being barely bigger then the average two story home.)

"I'm not. I just think its funny seeing you all freaked out like that. I'm a good driver. I swear." Vance chuckled and you wanted to smack him upside his head if your hands weren't full of bags and if you weren't convinced he would tackle you right here and now, halfway up the stairs.

Vance never really got over how nice your bedroom was. You had your own TV, radio, phone, and any other gadget any teenager could want. Not to mention the dozens of posters hung on your walls, some signed by the singers or performers that was printed on them.

After the two fo you had settled in and changed into more comfortable clothes, Vance simply borrowing some clothes from you, you had found yourself sitting on top of your roof, hand in hand, and staring at the now star-spotted sky.

You leaned over, resting your head on Vances shoulder. Vance smiled and rested his head atop yours. It was moments like these, where you and Vance were alone, where Vance could be truly open, all of his guards down, that Vance valued the most.

"V?" You spoke softly, as to not disrupt the peace.

Vance hummed in acknowledgement.

"I love you. Like a lot. And I know you have trouble sometimes... like saying how you feel. So you don't have to respond but I love you and I hope that all the gift giving shows that because I've never really been good at-"

Vance cut you off by gently grabbing your chin and tilting your head up so that he could place a soft kiss on your lips. It was gentle enough so that you wouldn't slip or start to slide down the roof, but it was still filled with passion. The kind of raw passion you really only saw when he played pinball or beat the shit out of some kid. The kind of passion you saw in his eyes, if you searched hard enough, when he looked at you. It said a million words, but at the same time was so silent and peaceful.

"I love you too."

A/N: hiiii okay ifk why but this definitely feels like one of my worse pieces but anyway I hope you liked this. I had a lot of fun writing it. Vance needs to be spoiled more I get the feeling that poor kid has probably never received a genuine gift in his life </3

[sigurdjarlson]

Is Greg gay?

Canonically? I honestly wish I could answer this with a resounding yes but admittedly I’m not entirely sure.

I hope he is

This got long oops sorry 😅

There’s definitely a lot of things there that could point to it but since nothing concrete has ever been shown/talked about I can’t say for certain:

I think it would make him a far less interesting character if he’s straight

Personally I read him as deeply closeted. Partially because of his desire to distance himself completely from anything that makes him similar to his father. He doesn’t have an issue with gay people but he has an issue with him being gay if that makes sense

That’s just speculation though so back to more canon material

We know Greg is fairly receptive or at the very least tolerant of Tom’s insane behavior towards him which even to Greg has to be questionable at times. (“I won’t let go of what is mine” ?)

The fact he wants to be around Tom after he says shit like “I’d castrate and marry you in an heartbeat” is kind of wild honestly? Requited Tomgreg my beloved

He also has been actively seeking Tom’s company out more and more..which could be out of loneliness but he seems to genuinely enjoy Tom’s presence when he’s not being a dick. And it just seems to be getting progressively gayer

One scene that really stands out tho when thinking about Gay Ass Greg tho is the scene where it really does look like Greg spent the night with Andrew Dodds. He drops Greg off to talk to Tom while jogging and Greg throws “great night!” Over his shoulder.

This isn’t anything concrete. We don’t know what they did. They could have smoked weed and did Ketamine and passed out for all we know but..why show us it? Succession writers are very detail oriented. They don’t usually do things without reason.

It’s also interestingly enough shown right before he talks to Tom who he obviously has this homoerotic relationship with:

But then we come to the whole Comfrey thing.

Ironically the whole dating ladder arc made me more convinced Greg is gay? His interest does not seem genuine. That’s proven quickly when he at the first sign of reciprocation he loses interest in her only to gain it back when Shiv suggests he can get something out of this with Comfrey and/or the Contessa.

It just reads as very fake and forced and I think it’s supposed to? Greg isn’t being genuine with either of them but he wasn’t with Comfrey even before he started his dating ladder crusade.

His original attempts at flirting with Comfrey come across across very much as “this is what I’m supposed to do” and then it’s purely to climb the dating ladder and nothing more

Of course there is the possibility he’s bisexual but his interactions with women ironically make me more convinced he’s gay. Especially when you compare those instances with how he interacts with Tom.

Not to mention the narrative keeps putting him in the position of “other woman” with Tom in a way like they’re framing it that way on purpose I think.

The scene where him and Tom both look at their phones and meet up at a diner? Even Tom’s invitation the first time they hung out “ Shiv is out of town so let me take you out”

And like I said there are a lot of reasons he’s want to stay closeted. His own confusing relationship with homosexuality because of his father and the brat he works for ATN which pushes extremely bigoted material.

(Adds a whole other layer of depth to him not wanting to work there so badly honestly. He clearly did not want to blackmail Tom but he wanted out badly until Tom offered him a significant promotion and he seemingly decides alright I can deal)

His uncle is also blatantly homophobic and has been to his face even though it wasn’t aimed at Greg: (“I don’t want someone to find him at the bottom of some French Fag’s pool” “No..no none of us want that”)

And I’m sure he’s had his share of shit thrown his way for being the guy with the gay dad who ran out on him. Whether it be jokes in poor taste from his cousins maybe or Logan making backhanded comments to Ewan.

Also the environment he’s in in general is extremely homophobic.. Gay sex is constantly being framed as something degrading and wrong. “I heard you bent for him and he fucked you.” I know Greg didn’t hear that line but it’s a good example of the type of talk I’m referring to that’s constantly being thrown around.

At the same time he’s in this homoerotic situation with Tom. Because Tom’s attempts to use this kind of humor to fit in usually falls flat. It comes out genuine, forced or suggestive. (Because he’s closeted too)

And of course we have the infamous

Which convinced me that if he’s not gay then he is at least bisexual. I know Nbraun improvised this line but the fact they kept it in says volumes about what they’re letting be implied here.

And of course we have the Nero and Sporus thing which while coming from Tom..the narrative is pointing at the parallel. Loudly.

The way their handshake is part of ancient Roman marriage

And then we have the costume designers admitting they match Greg and Tom on purpose because “he’s Tom’s real partner on the show”

And I just…we have scenes like this where I have to wonder why is it framed like that

[benoitblanc]

Erebos sounds sick as heck, tell me all about your characters

and THANK YOU MUNDIE! it's got a really large cast so i'm going to put this all under the cut because it's likely going to get really long. for those reading this ask who may have missed the initial conversation, erebos is the crime drama show i'm working on outlining right now. the VERY short elevator pitch is leverage meets peaky blinders but gayer and in modern-day france

our less-than-intrepid not-really-heroes:

lily spence runs this damn town. well, that's not really true. lily spence runs this damn fringe group of four other petty crooks who kind of just rob enough people to live comfortably and not much else. but they are VERY good at it. born into british aristocracy, she was disowned by her extremely traditional parents when they walked in on her kissing another girl. only seventeen, she fled to france to stay with her brother, who was working in marseille, but got waylaid in paris. she was nearly mugged until karim intervened and took her under his wing. and now look at them seventeen years later. criminal masterminds. lily is very very smart and ruthless and also a total nerd. if an episode of doctor who is airing, she will not run a con because she is absolutely insistent on watching it. also, there’s a running gag of how she, as a stereotypical bisexual, cannot sit on chairs properly. she loves her team and she loves committing crimes, but the prospect of going toe to toe with elise archambault terrifies her. (but she'll be damned if she shows it.)

karim ayari acts as lily's second-in-command. he has the least fleshed out backstory of the gang right now, but he used to work for the dutch intelligence force before getting sick of all the bullshit and corruption involved with federal law enforcement and leaving to become something of a vigilante. somehow he ended up in paris, where he met and teamed up with lily. as the oldest member of the team (though only by a few years), he's also the most level-headed and often has to bail the others out of trouble. he's also just a total sweetheart. he spends his free time teaching self-defense to homeless women and children. i love him.

yvette laroche started her adult life as an automobile saleswoman before she discovered that her persuasive skills were much more lucrative when applied to crime, at which point she joined the team as their grifter. she is the only member of the team who is actually french and more or less the only member of the team who is still on good terms with her family (though i'll talk about lily's brother later.) she's a black trans lesbian- in fact, she and lily even briefly dated before deciding they were better off as friends- who adores few things more than eating the rich. these few things include terrible jokes and even worse romance novels.

adrian valenti is the team's resident cat burglar, which is an apt title because he is also my poor little meow meow. (for the record, i STILL have no idea what that actually means, but the feeling it evokes is definitely adrian.) he grew up on the streets of manhattan, which is where he learned to become such a good thief. i have no idea what words in the next big plot detail in his life have been banned by apple, so let's just say for convenience's sake that he also developed a substance problem. adrian has been clean for several years now but still struggles to talk about his time in new york. i'm not completely sure yet how he made his way to paris, but here he is. he's kind of an asshole 90% of the time, but has a huge heart deep down and really deeply cares about his team. he thinks lily is the worst person he's ever met. he's desperately in love with her.

julia ono serves as the team's technical support, which is a nice way of saying she's a hacker. one of the best in the world, in fact. she's from australia, but was in france for a job when interpol finally nabbed her. she was immediately broken out of jail by adrian. van houden, whom you'll meet below, was NOT pleased about the whole affair. the team's condition on breaking her out was that she work with them on a job, but she liked them, though she thought they were the weirdest people she'd ever met, so she stuck around for the next job. and the next. and, well, here she still is. julia has a very sarcastic sense of humor, which is why she gets along so well with adrian, even if she may call him "bitch-ass white boy" to his face in a very strong aussie accent. the youngest member of the team, she is fashionable and unapologetic, though she struggles to overcome internalized stereotypes, and a lesbian with a massive crush on yvette.

la famille archambault, aka The Mob(TM):

elise archambault is in charge of la famille archambault, an organized crime syndicate operating out of paris. she knows exactly what she is capable of and won't let anyone else forget it. as a woman, she has had to work twice as hard to get to where she is. she won't let any transgressions go lightly, so when a ragtag gang of crooks robs her own sister-in-law, she takes it upon herself to wipe them out. they've made their living conning tourists and the wealthy. she, by contrast, is elise goddamn archambault. they pose no threat to her. right?

lucas archambault is elise's older cousin who serves as her lieutenant and advisor. "arwen," you might ask, "what's lucas' deal?" the truth is i still have no idea. this man currently has no personality and no backstory. unfortunately, i can't cut him because he's essential to the plot. *sighs in writer*

olivier archambault is elise's younger brother who might resent his sister's power and DEFINITELY resents lucas' power. shouldn't he be the second-in-command? sure, he gets to be in the field much more, but he doesn't like being told what to do. isn't he the one who knows what's best for lfa? shouldn't he be in charge?

catherine archambault is olivier's wife who kind of didn't know what she was marrying into until it was too late. she loves olivier enough to make it work, though, and with her head for numbers, she all but runs the business side of lfa. unfortunately, that doesn't mean she's impervious to getting swindled out of a sizable chunk of cash by adrian and julia...

friends, foes, and other irritations:

mickey spence is lily's kind-hearted older brother who is the only member of her family she is still in touch with. in direct contrast to his sister's less-than-legal pursuits, he's a respectable businessman working out of marseille. he loves lily more than anything but is a bit concerned about what she and her friends are doing. mickey is my favorite character. my emotional support himbo, if you will. i adore him

marya van houden is a dutch interpol agent working out of paris who has been keeping an eye on lfa and subsequently crosses paths with the team. van houden is very good at her job, so the team should really end up in jail. except... she used to work with karim, and she hates lfa just as much as they do. if it means bringing down the most dangerous crime syndicate in the city, she might just be willing to play ball with the lesser evil

denis gascoigne is another petty thief who has been adrian's biggest rival for years. but in a friendly way, you know? they're frenemies. gascoigne wouldn't do anything like turn the team over to lfa, the police, or interpol, but he'll definitely mildly inconvenience them if he gets the chance. on extremely rare occasions, he might even lend them a hand

madeleine benoit and jacques timonier are the paris police detectives in hot pursuit of the team. they're not exactly BAD to the degree that elise's crew is, but they're just really fucking annoying. and unfortunately really determined. benoit is up for a promotion and by god she's going to get it. you know anne from santa clarita diet? they're like anne, but not as easily swayed into thinking the team are actually messengers of god

tania featherswaite unfortunately might end up getting cut because she features prominently in the season 3 storyline that is teetering on the line between "revolutionary and keeps the show fresh" and "unmitigated disaster." she was lily's first girlfriend- you know, the one lily's parents saw her kissing and threw her out over- but her parents were much more supportive than the spences, so she's still in the uk. she's much quieter than lily but has a genuine and elegant strength, as well as what is possibly the only moral compass on this show. her major story arc is kind of a spoiler, but she basically gets to do a lot of badass spy-esque stuff with lily and mickey that i am REALLY hoping stays in. we'll see.

[marciego]

Okay... top 5 SL moments this far and your top 5 Sl characters (this far)

let's go!!!

SL moments (not really in order)

eres in 01x38 i will NEVER recover from this is was such a cute and wholesome moment and they were just having so much fun, like it's genuinely one of the only soy luna moments i've rewatched quite a few times? man i love lumon

a bit hypocritical from someone who can't stand matteo i'll admit that, but profugos in 01x26, overall that open was so fun and i had so much fun this episode, but this performance is one of my favorite from the whole season, literally the only time matteo was being bi and it didn't make me go through the five stages of grief because i couldn't angrily call him cishet and idk it was just a very fun moment, i also think it was hilarious how the gayer matteo was acting the more eager luna was to get between him and simon like yes girl don't let the bitch hit on your man. also really a fan of the french translation of the lyrics specifically changing for this performance to acknowledge matteo was singing to simon and not to a girl lmao

that moment right after lumon's first kiss where simon asked her out on a date and immediately started running without waiting for her yelling "the last there pays!!!" and she ran after him complaining it wasn't fair like HELL YEAH that's the best friends to lovers content i was looking for!!!!

the roller band doing something nice for ramiro even tho he refused to give them that producer's number and that leading to ramiro genuinely reflecting on his behaviour like hell yeah!!!! ramiro had always showed he responded to encouragment and gentle explanations way better than harsh criticism and like seeing him actually, genuinely, trying to fix his mistakes because people were kind to him and that made him realize what he did was wrong? girl i was SO here for it, i was so happy!!!!!

i wouldn't say it's like. a favorite moment but gaston asking ramiro out stuck with me the whole season and i'm still WAITING to see them interact more so i'll answer that one

also as bonus one, not really a fav either but i was quite fond of gaston and nina's photography class moments

EDIT: forget gaston and ramiro or gaston and nina, i remembered an actual moment i loved with all my heart!!!! i don't remember when but at some point luna and simon danced together (maybe during the daniela arc?) and it was SUCH a wholesome moment, it really showed their love for each other and i was sitting there like UGH i love them so much!!!!

SL characters, not much has changed here but!

5. ambar but girl i feel so bad for this but i almost replaced her with sharon 😭😭 LIKE in the end i didn't do it because i don't love sharon more than ambar but i find her to be such a compelling character? i think she's a good character but yeah in the end it would have felt wrong not to put ambar here, because she's just as interesting and i know she'll only keep getting better so i'm very!! and ESPECIALLY because it's ambar i would never have put sharon before her 😭

4. simon!!! best boy for real, he's such a good soul and i love him a lot <3

3. luna <3 honestly i hesitated a lot to put her second because the more episodes i'm watching the more she's growing on me, like i've always loved her but!!! she's so good!!! i love her!!! she's my baby girl and i want her to be happy!!! i think she's a good mc and i'm glad it's her story i'm following

2. delfi, lately the focus hasn't really been on her you know, which is also why i hesitated to put her third, but when i remember some of her scenes earlier in the season i get all !! she's just such an interesting character and i love her so much

1. ramiro <333 idk he just makes me so happy? like every time he's on screen i get :] and he's truly the only one making me feel that way in the show, i think i truly need more ramiro content if i want to get to the end of this show without losing my sanity because he just improves every scene he's in

[khaleesiofalicante]

I’M DEFINETLY NOT READY, BUT HERE WE ARE ANYWAYS!

I will try to keep this short!!! I swear!! Cause everyone will also be screaming. I can feel it!!

Okey, here we go (I’ll keep myself to the important parts)

Lexi is still having THAT dream?? I don’t like what that means . 

“You sure know how to wake a girl up.” Every day I fall more in love with Lexi💙

“It was an odd sort of pain.” PARABATAI! OH FUCK!

-She looked like she was in pain. Lexi noted the older woman’s parabatai rune was burning too. “The Academy,” her mother said, picking up a seraph blade. “It’s under attack.” (I’M ALREADY SREAMING!)

FUCK! Now I got to go do some things I have been procrastinating about :( And in the middle of this?? Well, guess I’ll come later

I´m back. This day was hard. I may have had a little mental breakdown while finishing some work. BUT I’M GOOD NOW! I SWEAR! And I have my homework and work done finally!!

Lexi didn’t think it was possible, but the sight somehow made her gayer than before.  “Ladies,” Liv smirked. “You’re welcome.” (Firts of all, SAME BRO! Second of all, HOLY SHIT I LOVE HER!)

Sometimes you are just *sigh*parabatai, and thats ok, cause I LOVE LEXI AND GIGI SO MUCH

"If they did, she was going to burn it out of them." As you should Lexi 😉😂

"The bar was extremely low for shadowhunters." Yeah, they have been through some stuff

OH yeah, the other perspective is Rafael!!!

"His parents had even attended the graduation ceremony last month, all glamoured up and teary eyed." THIS FAMILY!

Rafael at university is just an incredible mental image!!

“You’re the kind of guy who loves with his soul, not just with his heart” 🥺🥺 My heart is do soft for Rafe!!

“Now get your ass to that girl and tell her how you feel.” YESS. YOU CALL HIM OUT!!

"He had watched one too many. He actually liked romcoms" I love him so much!!

“El que no arriesga, no gana,” Camilla said now. (Okey, but this girl has some good advice!!)

“Don’t be a stranger, Rafael.” (I dont know why I love when people say that, but I do💙💙)

"Max only ever listened to his boyfriend." I LOVE MAVID SO MUCH!!!

Max is a lil shit 😂

“I’ll bring you some tamales.” Now I'm hungry for tamales :((

“Bonita,” he had whispered when he had seen her. (jshejdhei lil Rafael having a crush!!)

“All thanks to the amazing Isabelle Lightwood,” Jaime replied. “I think I am a little in love with her.” “Who isn’t?” (I mean... They are right!)

OH no. FUCK. Anjali is sick!!! I'm screaming!!

THOSE SIBLINGS!! 😂😂

"To his people, angel blood meant everything. They were encouraged to procreate and increase their numbers." Shadowhunters are sometimes REALLY stupid!

"If it ever came to a point, as it often did in their lives, where they had to choose between themselves and the children – they had promised each other to save the children." 🥺🥺 I'm not crying!!

“I think you are fully capable of making this decision on your own,”, “No uterus. No opinion.” and "Whatever you decide, Alec and I are here for you.” are just *chef kiss* I love them so fucking much!! 💙💙

Jace and Alec are just- 😂😂

Anjali has Leukaemia??? This is bad.. Really bad and now I'm scared

"They really understood the assignment.” "What do we know about this little shit?” and "Three out of three" killed me 😂😂 THOSE PARENTS ARE THE DEAD OF ME

OH god that meeting!!

Izzy!! What??? Wtf??? I need answer!!!

Another perspective!! You really like to give suspense Dani!!

"David put his arms around Max and counted to ten in French. Max controlled his breathing to the sound. He had taught his body to listen to David – just like he had taught his heart." He is just to perfect! 💙

Jdjdkshs I'm worried for Izzy!! And Gigi!!

She was poisoned?? By what?? The Coffee??? I'm gonna trow some hands to whoever did it!!!

"David,” he whispered. “This is Bapak’s coffee order.” ( I just... I will go scream)

God, this was hell of a chapter. I'm loving it!!

The angst, the pain, THEM, I love it. It was amazing. I really forget its not canon 💜💙

I would like to read all the reactions, but unfortuately this is not a great day, so maybe I will read it later 💙

Ahhh thank you 🥺🥺🥺

I really hope your day gets better and you have a good weekend 💙💜 Sending a shit load of love.

The collective reaction for chapter 1 can be summed up with this gif:

Also since you love Lexi - here is a Lexi tiktok 🤭

[toa-arania]

Actual things that happen in Harry Potter

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

The owners of as far as we know the only wizarding bank in britain are a race of hook-nosed goblins who only care about money and keeping it safe, and we literally never see them do anything else.

One of the only explicitly black characters in the series is the star player of the sports team.

Twist villain with basically no setup that I remember because Joanne is into Snape or something idk.

Also the irish guy keeps exploding things.

The name "Severus".

The film renames the title to Sorcerer's Stone in the US for as far as I can tell literally no reason, despite the fact that the titular Philosopher's Stone is (presumably, I've never come across an american copy) not renamed in the story due to being based on an actual alchemical principle.

Voldemort and Quirrell are not a ship because Joanne couldn't stand the idea of anything being gayer than she desperately wants us to think Dumbledore is.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Slave race.

An 11 year old who instantly becomes obsessed with the HPD and basically never stops.

People being racist against Hagrid because he's tall and nice and just a lovely ball of Huffle- oh? No? Oh right, he's a protagonist, of course he's Gryffindor, my mistake.

On that note, 25% of students are deemed evil by a sassy hat and get sent to Racism Jail because they didn't say no.

Another 25% of students probably have gifted-kid syndrome, maybe 50% based on how Slytherin does.

Half of this book is set in a toilet because of a dead bullied girl. The fact that no one ever asks how she's doing is a plot point on multiple occasions and she is apparently so starved for affection that she is relentlessly horny towards anyone who doesn't actively abuse her.

The name “Gilderoy”.

All these fucking 12yos are horny for the same teacher.

I'd say something about the teachers and negligence but honestly we saw how COVID went so fuck knows.

16yo Voldemort being vaguely horny for 11yo Ginny.

This school was built before plumbing was a thing and has a secret snake dungeon built into the plumbing, which apparently no one found when they were building the plumbing.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Chocolate is the solution to depression.

The metaphor for depression gets put around the school and the teachers are fine with this. I'm sure this means nothing at all. A character is called “Remus Lupin” and we’re supposed to be surprised he’s a werewolf.

Harry spends the entire book forming a father-figure attachment to Lupin and hating Sirius, and then basically ends the book by doing a heel-point turn into being obsessed with Sirius as a father figure.

I'm pretty sure you don't execute a horse if it kicks someone irl.

Time travel.

Death by snu snu.

I’m not joking, the metaphor for depression kills you by snogging you.

I seriously need to emphasise that the knockoff ringwraiths genuinely suck you so hard your soul literally leaves your body.

Now seems like a sensible time to mention this series's general treatment of Ron as one of the many Actual Choices Joanne Made because next up is book 4 and it's about to get a whole lot worse.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

"People have died in these games before, so only the 17yos are allowed."

Murder is on the curriculum. So are torture and mind control.

Everyone is horny for the french girls. There are no french men.

Everyone hates the eastern european men because they are men and we hate them. Also they sat at the Slytherin table and that makes them evil, and is definitely nothing to do with what people think of russia.

The russian is also a war criminal, and I think a racist but I don’t remember offhand?

While fact checking whether he is a racist I discovered that actually the entire-ass eastern european school is systemically racist.

Someone illegally enters a 14yo's name into a competition that is supposed to only have three people and he is magically the fourth. We later find out someone is trying to get him killed but it completely didn't fucking work.

Dumbledore asked calmly.

Every single thing about the way Fleur is written.

Ron spends basically this entire book being a dick.

Harry also spends basically this entire book being a dick.

The dragon is just allowed to escape the arena and piss off.

Harry gets sexually harassed by a dead 14yo with the epithet "moaning"

Harry gets gaslit into thinking his friends are going to drown.

18yo Viktor is horny for 14yo Hermione.

The only explicitly asian character in the entire series is called fucking Cho Chang, is in the Smart People™ house, and basically serves no purpose except to stand around and look pretty.

I'm pretty sure this is the book that has a bit about Fred and George tickling the giant squid.

The slave race not only apparently doesn't want to be free, but treat those who are free as pariahs.

Admittedly the twist villain in this book actually was set up, so I'll give her that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Umbridge is based on a real actual person who exists.

Propaganda round 1.

Actually, I'll give this one some credit. This book introduces Luna Lovegood, who I genuinely love, and has some commentary on the school system that I do quite like. It is also one of the only books that punishes Harry for something he actively chose to do in the knowledge it might result in punishment that wasn't just Harry Being An Idiot.

However this is also the first book that has Dumbledore spend its entire runtime gaslighting Harry.

Cho Chang continues to do nothing in this book except occasionally cry.

Umbridge gets kidnapped and possibly railed for being too racist.

Someone gets turned into a baby. I am not making this up. This is a thing that happens because someone gets yote into a stack of time machines and destroys them all because Joanne didn't know what else to do with that plot point.

This section feels really short because honestly this book didn’t actually have a lot going on, yet it somehow manages to be the biggest book. But don’t worry, the next two are also chonky as fuck.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Dumbledore feels bad for gaslighting Harry so much last book that he lets this fucking 16yo join in on the magical quest into other people’s memories.

Horace Slughorn, the only Slytherin in the series who is remotely nice to anyone ever still manages to be a racist at least once.

This book explicitly describes Lavender Brown as white over a year after the film of book 3 already cast a black actress. The films responded by re-casting her. I’m pretty sure she also spends most of the book dosing Ron with love potion but honestly I don’t remember much about this one.

Speaking of which, they teach horny teenagers how to make love potion because there's no way that can possibly go wrong.

The half-blood prince writes up his own spells, which sounds impressive on paper but all of these spells are just shitty latin anyway. It would’ve been more impressive for him to write up his own potions instead of working out that saying levicorpus levies your goddamn corpus.

This one contains a lot of flashback memory stuff. Like a lot. And it is basically all Voldemort backstory exposition. I don’t remember a lot of details but I think he was from one of those rich people incest families that get mentioned offhand in book 5.

Actually this is probably a sensible time to mention that although this series is ostensibly about how who your parents are doesn’t matter, the subtext is constantly smacking you over the head with how much it does actually definitely matter.

I’m pretty sure this is the book where someone teleports herself in half and is just fine.

This is the book where Snape goes from “teacher who is such a bully that a boggart turns into him” to “teacher who is officially instructed to bully harry into learning a thing that Dumbledore later tells him to just not do anyway”.

The death eaters instruct a 16yo child to murder Dumbledore and are surprised when he keeps fucking up.

I think this might be the book where someone eats dragon testicles but I might be misremembering that.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Honestly I don’t even know how much of book 7 I remember at this point, but a lot happened. Like a lot. The main thing being Joanne upending the entire bottle of major character death sauce even though Dobby was the only one anyone actually cried about. Fun fact, Dobby is also the only nonmagical death in the series because he just gets fucking stabbed by Helena Bonham Carter. Even other people who get killed without actual spellcasting are killed by magical creatures, which are- y'know- magical.

Propaganda round 2.

Joanne manages to retroactively queerbait Dumbledore with the prequel to Voldemort, refusing to be remotely gay with them in the text, but then saying they are anyway.

Joanne finally reveals the full extent of her obsession with Snape, and spends I think multiple chapters trying to redeem him and paint him as the secret hero without once even addressing how much of a dick he is to people that aren’t Harry.

In her fervent attempts to redeem Snape, Joanne accidentally makes him an incel.

In fact, Joanne tries so hard to redeem Snape that Harry names a kid after him when Hagrid (basically Harry’s actual father figure since book 1) gets fucking nothing, despite the fact that he is the only one of Harry’s five father figures to survive the whole series.

Cursed Child Bonus Round

Joanne, after having previously whitewashing Lavender, decides to blackwash Hermione instead of just making good poc characters in the first place. I’m pretty sure she said something about how Hermione could have been black all along despite literally describing her as white in the books.

The relentless queerbaiting of Albus and Scorpius.

In a parallel universe where he didn’t die, Nice Guy™ Cedric Diggory becomes such an incel that Voldemort wins.

Voldemort is pronounced with a silent t.

The lunch lady is an eldritch horror.

Hermione is minister for magic despite directly saying in book 7 that she will never run for the position.

Voldemort Day™.

Propaganda round 3, I think?

It’s been a while since I saw it, but I’m pretty sure this play casually kills off Harry at least twice. One of those is definitely a result of Depression Snu Snu.

Oh yeah, the time travel is back, but it’s a d i f f e r e n t o n e so the rules are different.

Voldemort and Bellatrix somehow have a baby for some reason despite Voldemort explicitly wanting to be immortal, so a successor would be pointless, and explicitly being “incapable of love” is like his whole deal.

Speaking of which, the main villain of Harry Potter is the villain because he is “incapable of love”, which I shouldn’t even have to say is intensely prejudiced against arospec (and probably acespec because I don’t think anyone could seriously tell me Joanne will see a difference) people, but it also means that (again, because I refuse to believe Joanne will see a difference) Voldemort has exactly zero reason (or ability, according to Joanne) to have a baby.

This baby is the main villain of the play, and I remember nothing about her aside from this fact.

I'm not doing Fantastic Beasts because I remember nothing about it and I don't want to.