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gremlin-writes-angst · 4 years ago

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The Life of an Ackerman: Chapter 1

Jean Kristen X FTM!reader

3k words

My longest chapter so far ( I think)

Trigger warning: Transphobia( No slurs or deadnaming, just ignoring new name) mentions torture and death ( no death or torture but the words are used)

Let me know if I missed a trigger or if you spot any spelling mistakes.

Feedback is encouraged!!

I haven't said happy pride month so happy pride month and I thought it was fitting to say here because this is both gay and trans.

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Being born an Ackerman wasn’t easy, especially when your father was Kenny the ripper. Your father never had much restraint, for booze or women, when the two mixed Kenny had no problem, most of the time the booze amplified his pleaser. It was no different the night you were conceived, Kenny had his booze and women who worked at the bar. They didn’t love each other, they might not even like each other. You could describe their relationship as a drunk flirt and a waitress who was tired of it, and knowing the best way to get rid of the man was to do what he wanted. She was partially right, because, after one night together, Kenny left her alone, and which was exactly what she wanted. Then three months later she discovered she was pregnant, and Kenny was nowhere to be found. While she was pregnant she investigated Kenny and where he could have gone, and by the time you were born your mother knew where Kenny lived and she had no problem doing the same thing Kenny did to her, she disappeared.

Kenny wasn’t thrilled to find a baby at his door, with a note claiming it was his own. Though he wasn’t the best person, he wasn’t going to leave his own infant, so he raised you, more like trained you. You learned how to protect yourself and others, how to hurt and kill people at the age of 10, you never killed, you just knew how. You missed the innocence of only knowing how to kill because you couldn’t go about life as Kenny the Ripper’s child without killing someone.

At twelve you started to change, you had discovered why you felt so disconnected from your body. You slowly began to change your appearance to be more like the boy you were, even if your body was a constant reminder that you weren’t. You told your father about these feelings when he questioned the change in your appearance. You know he would catch your lies if you tried, so you told him the truth. Telling him that you wanted to go by Y/n instead of the name your mother gave you, you wanted to be called he/him like the rest of the men instead of she/her that you’d been for the past twelve years. He never called you by your old name again, but he also never called you y/n, he called you a nickname which is how he addresses most people. To him, you were now ‘kick’ short for sidekick cause that’s all you were to him.

Being his son and being trained since you were a child, you became a member of the Anti-personnel control squad. Even though you didn’t agree with his stance, you were still forced to work for him. He had told you almost everything about Reiss family and the Ackerman family, and what he hadn’t told you, drunk Kenny told you. So you knew more than most and you formed your own opinion. All for nothing though because you were still forced to work for him and against the scouts. Though being his son and learning the skills of Kenny the Ripper, and being forced to work with him, brought you to working with the scouts, so how angry can you be.

After Kenny died, you grieved and then healed rather quickly, it was important to be able to get over people, you learned that from your dad. After healing you came up with a plan, you hunted down Levi Ackerman, a man that your dad had mentioned more than once. He was an Ackerman along with the captain of the survey corps, you need to meet him. There was a lot your late father had taught you, like manipulation, or blackmail, and because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut you had enough information on Levi to do what you were taught. Though your plan underestimated Levi and fell to pieces when the man caught you.

You were sneaking around the survey corps base, when you felt someone pull you back along with the feeling of a knife against your neck, you knew it was him when he spoke.

“You have three seconds. Who are you and why are you here?”

“ I’m y/n Ackerman”

“Bullshit.”

He pressed the blade further into your neck, it reminded you of your father’s signature move.

“It’s not. I’m the son of Kenny Ackerman, your uncle. Making me your cousin.”

Even with the information which should be shocking to him, I can’t feel any changes in his heartbeat or the pressure his knife has on my throat.

“What proof do you have?”

“I know you are from the underground. I know your mother’s name, Kuchel. I know about your mother’s job.”

You could have continued but Levi didn’t seem to like what you already said and stopped you.

“How do you know that information?”

It was a stupid question, you expected a smarter man. But it must run in the family cause calling him stupid out loud is just as dumb as his question.

“That’s a stupid question, Kenny Ackerman, my dad told me.”

You now felt a change in pressure of the knife on your neck, shockingly it didn’t press deeper but released just a little.

“Did you just call me stupid?”

It was a rhetorical question, and the tone sent chills down your spine. If he hadn’t moved the knife away you would except he was going to murder you. After seconds of torturous silence and stillness, Levi fully removes the knife from your neck. You weren’t free though, he still had the knife ready, now aimed at your back instead of your neck. You weren’t so stupid to try and move, you would be dead in a second if you did such a thing.

“Smart cookie arent you.”

He was testing you, he wanted you to move so that he could strike. But since you didn’t he had no reason to believe you would later.

“Move forward, and don’t make any movement that I don’t instruct you to.”

You start to move down the corridor, trying to determine the right speed knowing that if you move too fast or too slow you’ll be in trouble.

“You are going to turn and enter the next door on your left. Then you’ll turn right and wait by the door.”

His voice was more demanding than before. You spotted the door he talked about, and when you reached it you turned left then right, stopped, and waited at the door as instructed. Levi was right behind you as you entered the room, but he now stood to your left, right in front of the doorway.

You were afraid to make too much movement cause his eyes and kife were still trained on you. Without moving anything but your eye you survived the room, noticing that multiple scouts were cleaning the room.

“Connie and Jean come here.”

Levi yelled into the room, two men approached him. The short one with almost no hair, stood in front of Levi ready for instructions. Then the taller one with brown hair and a long flattish face, stood slouched as if his sergeant wasn’t in front of him. The shorter one hit the taller one, who then straighten his posture. It was funny in an attractive way. Levi turned to the short one and began to give him instruction.

“Connie, go inform Hange that we have an intruder in custody who may be lying about their identity, they’ll know what to do.”

Connie left as soon as Levi was done talking and had now turned to the taller one, and by process of elimination you figured out that he was Jean.

“Jean I need you to find something to confined this intruder with, rope would probably work best.”

Jean moved to a cabinet right next to you and pulled at some rope.

“Good thing we just organized sir or else it would have taken me ages to find this.”

It wasn’t a super finny joke but it was funnier than what you had heard in the past month, and a laugh passed right through you. The was quick shuffling and you realized everyone’s eyes were on you. They all know how strict Levi was and that you laughing wasn’t something Levi instructed. When they realized Levi wasn’t going to do anything they got back to work.

“Jean tie this man’s arms behind his back.”

You had never been called a man and once again your emotions slipped through and a smile reached your lips.

Jean approached you and put his hand on your shoulder, turning your body so you were facing the cabinet the rope came from. He began to tie your arms, tight enough to restrict your movement but not the blood flow. While he works he talks, whispering so only you hear.

“Thanks for laughing at my joke, no one does, it also takes balls to laugh at one of my jokes when your under Levi’s knife.”

Ironic. His hands finish tying yours and he guided you back to Levi.

“Sir I’ve tied the intruder, where should I take him.”

“That won’t be necessary, I got him for now. Everyone finishes cleaning this room, it better be spotless when I return from the torture chamber.”

He takes me from Jean and pushes me out of the room, and toward what I can only assume will be my death or wish for death.

“See you soon, or maybe not.”

“Jean!!”

Jean calls out from behind followed by others yelling at him for the insensitive joke. I smile even if it is a joke at my possible death.

You know sat on the floor of what you assume is a torture chamber, it’s dirty, which isn’t a shock. Suddenly the door opens and Levi walks in and behind him comes a taller person with glasses and a determined face. They seemed to be at the end of a conversation.

“Oh another Ackerman, exiting!”

The taller one practically jumps closer to you.

“We don’t know if it’s true. That what you are here for.”

Levi closed the door behind the two of them still trying to take away your last name.

“Oh come on, what would a poor thing like this lie. Especially lie about being related to you.”

The person stood over you, staring at you intensely, but they talked as if you weren’t there.

“I don’t know, but I do know that Kenny isn’t the father type.”

“I can’t argue with that. I never claimed he was the father type.”

You laughed at the idea of your father acting like a father to you.

“Pipe down brat. Only talk when we ask you a question.”

Levi silenced you.

“Wow, no kick to the stomach. Have you gotten soft?

The person mocked Levi, they also started to investigate you, but never touched you.

“Non-sense.”

That’s all Levi said in defense of the person’s accusations of his emotional strength. You found it Ackerman-like, Ackermans don’t need to defend them selfs over stupid accusations.

“You’re pretty good at spotting lies. So I want you to tell me when the little twerp lies.”

“So no torture, why bring him here then? I think I was right, you’ve gone soft. But no complaints here.”

The person finally addresses you.

“Hello I’m Hange, and it might be your lucky day, As long as you don’t lie, we won’t touch or harm you.”

You weren’t sure if you were allowed to nod so you stay still, Hange continued.

“So you claim that your and Ackerman, to be specific y/n Ackerman. Are you sticking by your original statement?”

You were tired of the constant questioning of your true identity.

“Yes, I am y/n Ackerman!”

You snapped a little.

“Feisty, that’s the Ackerman attitude!”

They turn back to Levi.

“I don’t think they’re lying but I’ll continue.”

They turn back to me.

“Is your father Kenny the Ripper, also known a Kenny Ackerman?”

It was only the second question but you were already sick of the interrogation.

“Yes.”

Hange turned back and walked to Levi.

“Still no lie detected, I don’t have any more questions, because you won’t tell me the rest of the story.”

They nudged Levi with their whole body.

“So you believe he’s an Ackerman. Their little proof of what he says”

When Levi finished, Hange added to what he was saying.

“And less against it.”

They sounded smug.

The two of them left, you were left in the gross dark room. You were also left dark in the sense that you had no clue what they were discussing you knew that what they decide will be your future.

Eventually, the door opened and Hange came in, more excited than they should be.

“A new friend!”

They grabbed you and lifted you onto your feet and began pulling you out of the room.

“Oh sorry, I was supposed to ask before touching you.”

Even though they sounded sincere, they continued to pull you around.

“The cadets and others always tell me that I should respect others space”

They continue to pull you until you arrived at a room, they opened the door and pulled you in, then sat you on the bed.

“Welcome to your new room, it took some convincing but we agreed that at the very least we should keep you in our sight. So your kind of trapped here now, but I promise it won’t feel that way!”

They left and closed the door, but before you could relax they rushed back in.

“Whoops, guess I should undo those restraints.”

You had forgotten about the restraints, they had been on practically all day. You stood up from the bed and turned around so that Hange could undo the rope. You thought back to the person who did the restraints, you thought about his face and his hands and his voice, his laugh that was caused by his own joke. You tried to remember his name, it rhymed with bean, and started with J.

“Jean!”

When you remembered his name, it slipped out, not quietly.

“Yeah, that’s what I said,”

Luckily for you, Hange was talking about the very person you were thinking about. Either way, you became embarrassed. Soon enough Hange left, and you were alone with your thoughts.

You stayed cooped up in the room you were given. There was one door, zero windows, one bed one dresser, and a mirror. There wasn’t much for you to do, the only clothes you had were what you were wearing. You had no reason to leave, no birds to watch and you didn’t even consider looking in the mirror. The boredom had finally reached you, and you couldn’t think of a way to cure it. Luckily for you, someone came to the rescue.

The door open and as it opened Jean came into sight. He had a towel slung across his shoulder and a bucket in hand. He scanned the room and upon seeing you he froze, then coughed a little, while a blush crept up his cheeks.

“Sorry, I thought this room was empty.”

He didn’t make any movement to leave or enter, he stood there staring at you.

“Well, now you know. So are you going to leave or come in, or have you become a statute?”

He started to move inside your room, you had expected him to leave. He must have noticed the confused look on your face, deciding to explain himself.

“Levi’s strict about the cleanliness, so either you clean this room or let me.”

He has a stupid smile on his face as he offers the bucket and pulls the rag off his shoulder, also offering it to you.

“I’m not cleaning, so have fun.”

“That’s what I expected.”

He started to clean the room, but he eventually became tired of the awkwardness of being watched in silence.

“So you have no worries that I’ll snoop on you or steal from you?”

You changed your position on your bed, now sitting legs crossed.

“Yeah cause the man who makes terrible jokes is going to steal something from me. No, I just don’t have anything for you to steal or snoop.”

You responded sarcastically but also felt there was no reason to hide the truth so you told him, in the end, to clear up any confusion.

“Oh so you think that I wouldn’t be able to steal from you, you must be confident. You are you that you are so confident.”

He was joking with you, your glad a strict scout wasn’t the one who was cleaning your room.

“Someone who you restrained less than five hours ago.”

You thought it was weird that he was acting so normal around someone that was labeled as an intruder.

“You’re clearly not much of a threat if they let you in such a nice room.”

You laughed at his detective skills.

“Real though who are you, intruder.”

Without knowing your name, he only knew you as the intruder and decided to use it as a nickname.

“I’m y/n!”

He waited for you to continue but you never did. You didn’t think Levi would want you exposing yourself as an Ackerman.

“No last name?”

He questioned, but you’ve been here before and always answer with something that shuts most people down.

“Lots of people don’t.”

He took your answer, as most people did.

“Yeah, I guess you right.”

The room went quiet again as he continues to clean. Every once and a while one of you would strike up a conversation. You need to stretch your legs, got up, and walked to the door and back, which earned you an earful from Jean about making the floor dirty when he just cleaned it.

Eventually, he was done and had to leave. He opened the door about to leave but stopped when he heard your voice.

“Before you go, can I have my sock back?”

He turned around with a slight shock on his face.

“I guess you have a right to be confident. And you really did have nothing else for me to steal.”

He dropped the sock next to your shoes. He grabbed the door handle and began to close it while saying goodbye.

“See you around, Intruder.”

You assumed that this was going to be a countenance thing, and you don’t mind.

#connie snk #jean kirschtein x reader #ftm reader #levi akerman #ackerman family #hange zoe #tw queerphobia #tw mention of torture #tw mentions of death #attack on titan

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qobiin · 5 years ago

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when i fill them, they’ll shine forever | ch 1

pairing: todobakudeku (bakugou x midoriya x todoroki)

genre: fluff, angst | abo au, growing up au, canon-compliant

warnings: swearing, trans male character, mentioned instances of transphobia, coming out, gender dysphoria

word count: 3152

summary: Katsuki being an omega from birth changes a few things.

day four of @bnhaomegaverseweek (hoping my love will keep you up tonight)

chapter one of when i fill them, they’ll shine forever

“Wow, Kacchan, your quirk is so cool! I hope my quirk will be as awesome as yours!”

Katsuki keeps her gaze forward, a wide grin spread across her face as Deku allows her to lead. It’s not often that people let her lead, unfortunately. How she longs for the chance though! She would show everyone a thing or two about proper leadership. But she is an omega and none of the alphas at school would ever let her take control. No matter how capable she’s proven herself to be, no matter how much stronger and cooler her quirk is than anybody else’s.

Well, none of the alphas except for Deku. He always lets her.

Her alpha always lets her do what she wants. He has never held her back and has never Ordered her around. She has always been the one to take charge between them and he never gets mad at her for it. In fact, if she didn’t know any better, she would say that he wants her to be the one in charge.

She tightens her hold on the large net in her hands and strides forward confidently. “I’m sure it will be, Deku!”

Of course, neither of them know that they’ll be wrong, but they continue onward anyway, smiling as if nothing could ever disrupt the dreams they have built up around each other.

Katsuki has known Deku as long as she has known her own parents.

He’s been a constant in her life for as long as she remembers. Her mom likes showing off the multitude of photos of them in the bathtub when they were babies. Katsuki would probably find it embarrassing if she didn’t still take baths with Deku now. The collection only continues to grow to her dismay, but Katsuki doesn’t say anything.

She doesn’t mind it. Not too much anyway. Deku is her mate and her alpha after all. He likes bathtime with her, so she doesn’t complain.

Even if she feels weird whenever she notices that the bottom half of their bodies aren’t the same, she keeps her feelings and words to herself. It’s something she’s actually quite good at.

Of course, she does explode at school. A mess of curses and bloody fists as she fights all those that try and hurt her alpha or any of the other quirkless kids in their class, but that’s a given.

No one hurts her alpha. No one is allowed to hurt her mate.

She still remembers when they both knew they were mates because it was Deku’s third birthday and when she came over for his party, their eyes met and glowed gold. She couldn’t forget the way the light glimmered on his face and made his freckles stand out so much. She swore to herself after that no one was allowed to hurt what was hers.

Heroes are supposed to protect those that can’t protect themselves and she wants to be a hero.

And she’ll be one. With a quirk like hers, with an alpha that lets her do what she wants, she can do it. She’ll surpass All Might and be number one. Deku will be her support or maybe he’ll take up her offers on training together and become a hero himself. It doesn’t matter if he’s quirkless.

They can do it.

They can do anything if they're together.

“You’re just a useless Deku! You’ll never be a hero if you’re quirkless!”

“Who the fuck are you calling useless, you piece of shit!” Katsuki yells, running forward to pin the beta to the wall.

Deku still stands where he was before, pressed against the other wall and trying to look as small as possible. Katsuki has told him over and over again that the bullies will leave him alone if he fights back just once. Just one punch, one shove back, one mean word in their direction to make them back off. Katsuki can’t be the only one holding off bullies for the rest of their lives after all. But she knows he won’t do it.

He’s too nice, too kind. Too soft and forgiving for any of the crap he gets. And he deserves none of the venomous words spat his way. Katsuki is more than sure of that.

She hates the fear that is wafting off her alpha in waves. It makes her hackles rise and something primal in her howl for blood, to protect, to defend. She shakes the beta in her hold and lets him fall to the floor unceremoniously when he nearly pisses his pants. She knows just how scary she can be when she wants to be, especially thanks to her explosive quirk. People know better than to go after Deku when she’s around, but sometimes, there are the stupid shitheads like this beta. The ones who think they have any fucking right to tell her alpha what to do.

The way Katsuki sees it, if she isn’t allowed to push Deku around, then no one is.

“Don’t talk to my alpha ever again or I’ll make you fucking regret it!” Katsuki yells at the beta’s retreating back, glaring at him and all those around them that stood by and did absolutely nothing, the spineless bastards. “What are you shitty extras looking at!”

The other kids scatter, spooked and terrified of her anger. Katsuki watches them go then turns and takes Deku’s hand. She coaxes him away from the wall, gentle only for him, and leads him down the hall until they enter the playground. They’re both silent as they walk, but Katsuki doesn’t let it remain that way for long.

“Why do you let them treat you like that?” Katsuki asks once they have reached their tree near the edge of the schoolyard. “You know I don’t like it.”

Deku shakes his head and sits between the tree roots, his feet laid out in front of him. “I don’t know. I just freeze up every time it happens.”

Katsuki wants to say something. Deku looks so small at this moment, so lost, and all she wants to do is vow to always look after her alpha, but it wouldn’t be appropriate. She’s an omega and she knows that Deku would never get angry at her for this, but it just isn’t her place. It’s not.

No matter how much she wishes it was.

So she sits beside him instead and stays silent until Deku asks, “I’m not that great at protecting myself, but… You’ll protect me, right Kacchan?”

Katsuki sniffs, trying not to let her pleasure bleed through. “Do you want me to?”

“Always,” is Deku’s solemn answer.

“Then,” Katsuki begins with a grin that slowly grows until it is spread wide across her face, “I’ll beat the shit out of anyone who tries to hurt you, Deku!”

She pumps her fist into the air to show she’s serious and has to fight back a laugh when Deku smiles at her. It’s her favorite smile, the one he reserves solely for her and her alone. It’s sweet and cute and always makes Katsuki a little nervous to look at, but she keeps his gaze anyway and startles when he leans in.

Deku’s lips are soft on her cheek and only stay there for a moment before he pulls back. She presses a hand to her face and feels it warm underneath her touch. Katsuki hopes she isn’t blushing tomato red like Deku sometimes does. That would be embarrassing and Katsuki doesn’t do embarrassing.

They continue on like normal, but for the rest of the day, Katsuki catches herself subconsciously raising a hand towards the cheek Deku kissed.

Katsuki holds still as Deku rubs his face into her neck.

He has started to scent her every time they come back from school. The first time, she had held so still she barely thought to breathe before he abruptly pulled away and reminded her.

She knows that the scenting is a form of comfort. That it’s to make his scent lay heavy on her, to drive away other alphas and betas that might be interested. She learned that much from her father when Deku turned six and said he was surprised that Deku hadn’t tried scenting her earlier. She knows what it’s for and that it’s to reassure Deku, but she can’t help but feel uncomfortable.

Because it leaves Deku smelling of her in return, which normally she wouldn’t mind, but she doesn’t like the way she smells.

Her scent is too floral, too sweet and sugary and makes her insides twist into knots. It makes her want to bury herself in Deku’s scent instead, but that wouldn’t help much.

And, of course, Deku notices how stiff she is, how she forces herself not to react when he scents her. He isn’t stupid. Her alpha is one of the smartest people she knows. How else would he be able to remember so much about heroes and their quirks?

So Deku asks if he can scent her. He always asks and if she hesitates for too long, he steps back and gives her space. He never crowds her and he never tries to force anything. He is always so good to her, even when she feels like she doesn’t deserve it.

Something in her twists and coils at the barest hint of her scent. On some days, she feels sick just being in her body and having to smell herself every second of the day.

She starts showering a lot more often than what is necessary and sprays her father’s cologne on herself in the mornings. It calms her, more than she ever realized.

Deku doesn’t comment on it. He doesn’t press her for answers or asks questions. He simply accepts it as a new part of her and smiles every time she allows him to scent her.

It doesn’t solve everything for her, but it helps. It helps her start to feel comfortable in her own body again and that’s what matters.

When Katsuki is seven, he knows.

He knows and no wonder he has never felt right. No wonder he hates his natural scent and his stupid long hair.

No wonder he hates his body so much.

It’s the wrong one.

He was born in the wrong kind of body.

A few weeks after his eighth birthday, he tells Deku.

It has been eating away at him, his alpha not knowing. Deku knows everything about him. Katsuki has never held a secret from him. His alpha has always been his sole confidant. Always.

And it’s about time he tells him. For his own sanity at least. Maybe it will help or maybe it will not, but Katsuki won’t know until he tries.

“I’m not a girl,” Katsuki murmurs, for once on the verge of tears as he admits his darkest secret to his alpha. “I’m not.”

Deku stares at him, confusion on every line of his face. “Then what are you?”

“A boy.”

Deku nods but says nothing. Instead, he taps his fingers on his chin and studies Katsuki like this is the first time he has ever seen him.

(And well, it’s not like that analogy is wrong.)

“I’m sorry.”

Deku frowns, his confusion growing. “What for?”

Katsuki hates the fact that his alpha is acting so dense. Of course, he has to know what for! Deku is one of the smartest people he knows. He knows Deku knows what he’s talking about.

It’s clear though that Deku is waiting for him to say it. For him to lay it all out there and open up for once.

He groans and rubs a hand through his hair, his fingers twisting into the ends of it now that it is a lot shorter than before. “Because we’re mates and you wanted a fucking girl as your mate, right? And I had to go and fucking ruin shit by being born in the stupid, wrong body.”

Deku’s expression cycles through a myriad of emotions. First anger, then confusion again, then irritation, and then a steady calm that does absolutely fucking nothing to settle Katsuki’s nerves.

“Kacchan, I want you,” Deku finally says.

Katsuki feels his head snap up in surprise, meeting his alpha’s gaze without meaning to. Deku doesn’t falter, doesn’t let any hesitation or uncertainty slip into his voice as he continues and in the back of his head, Katsuki is grateful for it.

“You can be whoever or whatever you want to be. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially not me, Kacchan,” Deku says, reaching out and taking Katsuki’s hands in his own. “I’m not in charge of your body. You are.”

“But, you’re my alpha. You have the right to tell me what to fucking do!”

Deku steps closer. “I am. I am your alpha and I will always be your alpha if you want me to be. But it’s not my place to tell you what to do. I would like to go our whole lives without Ordering you. You make your own decisions for yourself, Kacchan. That isn’t mine to take away from you. It wouldn’t make me a very good alpha and I want to be the best alpha for you.”

Shit, he really is going to cry, isn’t he? Fuck.

“I want to be the best alpha for the best version of you, whatever or whoever that might be. I’m not going to take your free will away, not ever,” Deku continues, his stupid green eyes already overflowing with tears. “You deserve the best kind of alpha, Kacchan.”

Katsuki buries his face in Deku’s shoulder and tries to stifle his sobs, but ultimately fails.

Later, once Katsuki is sure there is no trace of his stupid tears, he pulls away from Deku’s embrace.

Deku watches him warily, waiting to see if it really is the end of their crying fit. Or Katsuki’s crying fit, at least. Deku never really seems to run out of tears. He has always been a huge crybaby and that alone would irritate Katsuki if he was any other person, but Deku is Deku and Katsuki doesn’t have it in him to find his alpha annoying or irritating.

At least, not usually anyway.

“Do you want to tell Auntie and Uncle?” Deku asks, his voice still warbled by tears.

Katsuki stomps down the heart-wrenching fear that question brings with it and makes sure his voice is steady when he says, “I don’t know how they’ll react.”

“They’ll support you,” Deku says without missing a beat. “They love you.”

“They love their daughter,” Katsuki hisses, unable to stop his voice from shaking and cracking in multiple places as he does.

Deku’s face is still wet with tears, but his voice doesn’t waver and neither does his resolve. “No. They love you, Kacchan.”

Shit. He just finished crying too. Fucking hell.

Katsuki ends up telling his parents.

They don’t make a big deal out of it and they don’t disown him like he feared they would. Instead, his father goes out and gets him a boy’s uniform for school. Katsuki is wary but wears it anyway.

The first day he goes to school in it, people stare at him. Sometimes it looks like his teachers are going to point it out and say something, but for the most part, people are quiet. They don’t say anything to his face yet that doesn’t mean they don’t say anything at all.

Which is something he quickly learns when Deku gets suspended from school for fighting.

Katsuki storms into his apartment afterschool - spares a moment to politely greet Auntie Inko - and then barges into Deku’s room where he is lying on his bed.

“Who the fuck did you fight?” Katsuki spits out.

Deku sits up slowly, surprised to see him. “Oh! Kacchan, I didn’t think you’d hear about that so soon.”

“Of course, I fucking heard about it! It’s all anyone wants to talk about at school. The stupid extras wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone, asking why you did it and a whole bunch of other shit.”

Deku hums, like that in itself can be an answer, but Katsuki steps forward and jabs his finger into his alpha’s chest. “So why the fuck did you do it, huh? Did you finally snap?”

“I guess you could call it that,” Deku replies, his head tilted to the side as if this entire conversation is difficult. “I mean, I sort of did?”

Katsuki growls, “What made you snap? You’re full of fucking rainbows and sunshine and other mushy shit. What pissed you off so bad you finally fought back?”

“Do you really want to know?” Deku asks, oddly serious.

“Yes! I wouldn’t be fucking asking otherwise!”

Deku smiles at him, like what he just said was hilarious. The little shit. Katsuki exhales and fights the urge to tackle his alpha. He knows how well that would work out and he doesn’t want to be pinned down right now.

Something in him tells him he is going to need space after Deku finally fucking answers him.

“Someone pointed out your uniform and said some things I don’t want to repeat.”

Katsuki freezes, his breath caught in his throat. “What the fuck.”

Deku shrugs. “I know that I’m a pushover most of the time, but something in me didn’t like the way that other alpha talked about you and before I knew it, I had kicked him in the face.”

“What the fuck,” Katsuki repeats.

“Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have done that, but I’m your alpha and I know I don’t really act as an alpha should, but you’re my mate. You’re mine and no one gets to say the kind of stuff about you. Especially not in front of me,” Deku says, his eyes darkening for a moment before he exhales and his usual bright smile greets a stunned Katsuki. “I know you don’t like it when others help you. I’m sorry, but I won’t hesitate to do it again.”

Katsuki watches him, confused and pissed off, but pleased too. Way too pleased actually. Pleased enough to not act on his anger, to not go after that alpha himself, to not fight his own alpha. Beyond the pleasing feeling is something else much more fragile and shy swooping low in his belly.

He just fucking fell in love right now, didn’t he? Is that what the swooping feeling is? Did it really take Deku finally getting violent for Katsuki to admit this to himself? Fucking hell. And fucking Deku and his stupid, gigantic, good heart too! His stupid gentleness and understanding and unfalteringly support. Deku’s dumbass bright smile, the scattered freckles on his face and the way the stupid fucking sun hits his eyes sometimes. Shit.

“You’re an idiot, Deku,” Katsuki finally manages to spit out.

Deku only smiles, his stance beginning to relax as he does. “Yeah. I know.”

a/n: if you’re interested about how this is all coming together, check out my #progress-report tag (:

thanks for reading! please remember that my requests are open

#bnhaomegaverseweek #todobakudeku #bakudeku #todobaku #tododeku #bakugou x midoriya x todoroki #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha #chaptered #f:bnha #g:fluff #g:angst #t:chaptered #p:ot3 #p:bakugou/midoriya/todoroki #wifttsf #s:hmlwkyut #m: fic

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acrobaticcatfeline · 5 years ago

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The Fear of the Dragonwitch (Triplets RoLoRem AU) Chapter 3!!!

Word Count: 2329

TW: This is chock full of them! Remus, violence, blood, broken bones, bullying, homophobia, transphobia, swearing I think that’s it, LMK if I missed anything!

Notes: OK!!! Third chapter is... rough. It sorta comes out of nowhere, but all will be explained in time. There’s a little more closure from last chapter before everything takes off to the violent bit. I really wanted to play with Logan, I’ve been trying to keep him close to his canon self, but that means hes really really apathetic most of the time, and doesn’t want to confront his emotions. I played with how it manifests in this chapter. I also wanted to introduce Logan as another main character, because all of the triplets are, and they have their own arcs to complete. I see the Dragonwitch as nightmares and fears in general, so now from the title you might get where end game might be. They all have to face their biggest fears and grow from them, and that’s really rough in particular for Logan, who isn’t afraid of some trivial everyday fear like being alone or stage-fright. anyways I’ve gone on too long, last chapter is here, first is here. I hope you enjoy!

Pairings: Logicality, Joan X Talyn, OC X OC (vivian X mimi)

Summary: “The next day at school was interesting to say the least.” Roman goes to school after his whole crisis and rocks it! Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Logan. The boy is walking hand in hand with Patton when a bully walks up and decides to go much further than throwing simple insults. Logan is only so much of a distraction to them, who have targeted Patton in particular. In essence, people are assholes and it can end up with you in a whole lot of pain.

The next day at school was interesting to say the least. Roman had gotten thrown headfirst into rehearsals. Valerie and Terrance ran lines with him the whole time before school, after he had sufficiently made sure Joan was ok without him. He hadn’t even really quite remembered what he was performing as. It was a shock to be reminded that the musical was kinky boots, and that him being the lead meant he was Charlie price. Heck, he was playing the same character that the absolutely legendary Brendon Urie did, and that was a revelation. They were singing songs and Terrance had begun singing sex is in the heel, and roman could immediately see how perfect his casting was. He giggled at one part in particular.

I'm black Jesus, I'm black Mary, but this Mary’s legs are hairy!!!

They continued and he danced like a dork with the other two as he sung step one, twirling Valerie around dramatically with a wide grin. He couldn’t stop laughing when Valerie sung a history of wrong guys, her silly accent she was exaggerating was absolutely killing him. They ran through the script once before the bell rung and they had to split.

By the time it’s his lunch period he's gone through the script another 3 times and he thinks he pretty much has the lines down, to the shock and awe of the others.

Just put One foot Onward and forward I used to be a zero but now I clearly feel that I may be the hero who reinvents the heel I may be facing the impossible I may be chasing after miracles And there may be the steepest mountain to overcome But this is step one!

At that, Valerie had stopped him. She stared at him with wide eyes.

“Terrance, how have we only just been let in on this magical voice and impossible memory of our boy?”

“I mean he is pretty shy most of the time”

“… guys I've been the one to train understudies for the past year because of my memory for scripts.”

“what???!!!”

“I guess it makes sense that you wouldn’t know that, I don’t think you two have ever been understudies.”

“TOMMY WHEN DID YOU PLAN ON LETTING US IN ON THIS???”

“if you had asked, I would have told you.”

“gosh, you already have your lines memorized, could you help us?”

“uh, yeah sure? I mean if Joan needs help, I’ll have to bail, but sure.”

“don’t worry about me Ro, its mostly finished, I just gotta fuss with the rollers so they roll straight and quietly.”

“ok then! Then let’s get to it!”

Logan on the other hand was having a less than optimal day.

He flinched as his head hit the lockers and the hand holding his shirt lifted him off the ground. His own arms clung to the other, legs kicking futilely.

“what's wrong fag? Having trouble? Good, you disgust me. You and your fucking tranny boyfriend.”

Logan was dropped, and he fell to his knees, his head bobbing forward. He stumbled back to his feet; a determination set in his jaw. Patton had a bruise forming on their cheek, a black eye and more matching marks on their arms. Patton said nothing, silent tears flowing as their head fell forward. Logan turned his attention back to the bullies, he knew Virgil had ran to get a teacher, and he knew how slow some would be, hoping that they would get back before he and Patton were both blacked out from the assault. He balled his fists, wincing slightly as he felt a large pain shoot through him at the action. He ignored it and swung.

Roman flinched as the theatre doors slammed open louder than normal. He flinched again at the yell that came from it. He turned to see Virgil and only heard Logan and hurt, and he was standing. Thomas had turned and was rushing to the doors just the same as he was. Joan, Talyn, Terrance, and Valerie followed behind them. Roman silently hoped that they would be fast enough, he had no idea what was happening, but he knew it was bad.

Logan wanted to scream. He was an idiot! He swung and his hand, his right hand thankfully, was grabbed, and he felt the bones in his wrist crack. He merely winced again, continuing to fight back, refusing to leave Patton there defenseless. He didn’t hear the door to the hall open, didn’t see the bully and his group turn and try to leave, he saw red. He didn’t see Remus roundhouse kick the main guy and apprehending him as Mr. Sanders came through the other side of the hall. He just couldn’t see anymore. He DID feel himself collapse, however, and the screaming of his wrist. He knew he had apologized, didn’t feel it escape his mouth, or hear it ring through his head, but he knew he said it as he passed out.

Next thing Logan knew, his vision was blurred and white. He had panicked, where was he? Where was Patton? Did his teachers know what had happened? Would he be marked as ditching? He was seen by several people that morning, what would they think? He tried to push himself up to get his bearings and when his wrist protested, he let out a quiet whimper. He continued to sit up, supporting himself on the other hand, quickly snatching his glasses off the counter and slipping them on.

He was in a bed in the nurses office. He looked for Patton and frowned when he didn’t see them. He swung his legs off the bed and went to stand but crumpled to the floor with a yelp. He steadied himself against the wall and assessed his legs. They were thoroughly bruised; he could tell from the constant throbbing pain. He also saw there must’ve been spots that he had broken skin, big blood stains scattered on his jeans indicated as such. He leaned on his good hand, pressed against the wall and stumbled painfully to the bathroom he knew was just down the hall. Once he had gotten there, he grimaced at his reflection. It was covered in dirt from the school’s floors and his blood mixed with it. The nurse must not have gotten to him yet, which meant he must have only been out for a bit, that was good. he carefully rinsed his face, then his arms with a fraction more pain and struggle. He then stumbled back over to his bed, leaning heavily against it as he grabbed his phone and shot a text to his mom and roman, basically a formal apology at the trouble he had gotten into, not to worry about him, that his writing hand was unharmed and that he was fine to continue the school day. He didn’t look back at it to see their crazed replies telling him to absolutely not continue with the school day. Instead he wandered to find Patton.

He saw the nurse turn and leave and then stumbled over to Patton who looked about ready to yell out his name when Logan raised a finger to his lips. He hated the tears that stung their cheeks. He placed himself on the bed and carefully wrapped them in a hug. He also noted, that he hated how Patton's shoulders shook while they cried.

“Lo… Lo why are you up and moving? The nurse said that your wrist is broken, and you have a bunch of bruises and scars, Logi why did you do all that?”

“Pat, what did you think I would do? I wasn’t about to leave you to get attacked, you could have died”

“so could you!”

And Patton's eyes flooded again. Cries about how stupid he was for protecting them and just cries of fear in general fell from their lips. Logan stayed silent and held them, letting them vent. When they couldn’t cry anymore, he placed a kiss on their forehead.

“its ok Pat. We’ll be ok. I'm gonna head to class though, I don’t want my teachers thinking I'm ditching.”

At this, Patton clings to his arm with an annoyed look.

“Logan, Mr. Sanders got us here, our teachers know we’re here. You are hurt, you are absolutely not going to class, or I'm getting up myself to stop you.”

At that Logan’s will crumbled. Patton looked miserable, there was no way he would let Patton get up and stop him. He was right, he was in a lot of pain, his legs and wrist kept screaming about it. His partner had a hardened gaze and he knew there was no way he was going to be going through with his plan. On top of that, the nurse, frazzled and confused had just found him and he got reprimanded for leaving his bed. He had been granted his request to be over next to Patton, if not for anything but it hurt too much to walk back. The nurse brought his things over and had just began setting his wrist when Roman, Remus, and Mimi had burst in. Remus was over immediately, his movement sporadic, but he didn’t speak. He sat on the edge of the bed staring at Logan’s broken wrist being fixed. He faintly heard the nurse explain to Mimi that what she was doing was only temporary, and that he would have to get it set at a proper doctor’s office. Roman walked over and Logan could see the words forming in his head getting held back. He merely smiled, and Roman started crying.

Mimi walked over soon after, her eyes brimming with tears as she gently held his hand that wasn’t broken. He frowned slightly.

“why are you crying?”

“because you got hurt you idiot!”

Logan was shocked to hear Remus say it. He looked at him and was shocked again to see tear stains on his cheeks.

“… it happens Re, its not that bad, pr-”

“don’t lie. I hate it when you lie to make us feel better. You always do it. It is bad, I was there, he broke your wrist, he kicked the shit out of your legs, I'm surprised they aren’t broken as well. This isn't fine this is bullshit. The kids aren’t even getting expelled, they have a week suspension and its so dumb! They assaulted you and Patton, why aren’t they in jail? They could’ve killed you and they're still staying here that’s unsafe and it’s bullshit!!!”

Logan couldn’t help the swell of anger at hearing his assailant’s punishment. Remus was right, it’s not fair. The world isn't fair, he knows this, but he had hoped that at least the school would do what's right. In the corner of his vision he saw Patton's eyes filling with tears again.

“Remus calm down. Me and your mom have already reported it to the police and pressed charges. We’ve also already called the school board to reverse your suspension.”

Logan’s eyes widened and he gaped at Mimi and Remus both.

“wait, you got suspended?”

“yeah. Apparently, roundhouse kicking someone who was trying to murder your brother falls under the same category as trying to kill someone to the school.”

Logan was furious. Remus had been working so hard to keep his record clean, he had punched a few kids when he was a kid, broken a few noses, but he had been getting better, he had been handling his anger responsibly and hadn’t had an incident in years, to have this ruin his record had Logan fuming.

“I… I heard from the nurse that we almost got suspended too. Um, apparently someone on the board had said we did damage as well, and that there was no proof that it wasn’t just a normal fight. They grabbed security footage and they were out-voted, I guess. I think they were the kid’s parent. That’s probably why.”

Logan hissed at Patton explanation.

“what? They- those fuckers broke my wrist, I barely got a hit in there, what the hell?”

“we are going to deal with this Logan. Your mom already has a line of people who are willing to take this to court for us.”

Logan felt both a little more at ease, and much more filled with anxiety. He really didn’t want to have to take his school to court.

“it’s- it doesn’t matter that much, like I said I'm fine, its Patton that I'm worried about. He was the one they targeted.”

“Logan, they broke your fucking wrist.”

He flinched at that. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that. He said it himself. But Patton saying it, Patton didn’t curse. They never cursed. And they seemed so angry. It scared Logan, he wouldn’t admit it, but he was. He was really scared. People attacked them for their gender and sexualities. And they got away with it. Logan’s legs were in complete and utter pain, his wrist was broken, and he was almost suspended for it all. His significant other wasn’t always with him, what would he do if he wasn’t there? He couldn’t imagine it, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to confront this, he just wanted to go to class, at least go home and sleep, be somewhere safe.

He was scared of his mortality, and knowing he was in danger in one of the few places he's ever felt safe was sending him into a panic attack. Mimi had left work to come and see him, maybe he could go home. But- but then Patton would be here alone. His head was swimming when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Logan. Breathe. You're coming home, and when Viv gets home we’re taking you to get a real cast. The nurse just said Patton's parents are here to pick him up. He’ll be ok Hun. And so will you.”

Logan breathed in… and out. He would be ok.

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams @fandomloverangel @demented-dukey @karmels-stuff @demented-dukey

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing!!!

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!!!

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stimmyvillainarchive · 5 years ago

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hey actually I know I’ve been joking around but I’mma. explain a few things cause I’ve been internally avoiding this topic for awhile cause I feel like I’m being an attention seeker if I go into detail about things. But uh friends are starting to notice lately I’ll explain. I’ll put it under the cut for anyone who doesn’t wanna read my icky stuff. Also y’all started sending in fun/chill asks while I was in the middle of writing this so sorry if it seems like it’s come out of left field.

(tw for religion/christianity/religious abuse and LGBT+phobia/transphobia/panphobia)

First I wanna say I’m sorry for my eratic, often non-stim related activity on this blog. I’ve mentioned being depressed but I haven’t really gone into detail. Some of y’all know the situation with my dad leaving and me having to work to pay for the bills. Good news is that shit has been for the most part resolved. my dad’s actually back and we patched up our relationship. I actually talk to him and communicate with him and him and my mom have worked things out. Which is nice cause now we’re all working and we’re all getting along better. So that’s nice.

But uh, during this time I started going to a church my mom and grandma attend. And I was kinda. a big deal there. I don’t wanna get into specifics but basically a lot of people know me now for it. And they made me feel special and good about myself. This part I know I talked about here before but uh. I wanted to be baptized on easter. And the guy who was going to do my baptism basically told me that either I break up with boo and go through what is essentially THEIR version of conversion therapy or he won’t do the baptism. that may not sound like anything to you but that. that shit fucked me up. really bad. I really trusted the people there and I opened up in a way I hadn’t before and now I just feel. like I’m disgusting when I’m openly queer or don’t conform to cis standards. Which was an issue I had worked out and now I’m going through all over again. I can talk about it some days but then others I feel like I gotta. shut up about it. It’s easier to talk about it online but irl it’s been much harder. And unfortunately the people at the church know where I work so on top of working a job I absolutely hate with a manager that DOES NOT like me, I’m constantly paranoid that someone’s going to walk in and recognize me (it’s already happened, but I’m scared to death someone like the person who was going to do my baptism will show up. I can’t tell you how fucking scary it is when the guy who would only speak to you privately and in a secluded area that you need to give up your gay in order to truly be a Christian knows where you work and where you live.) and honestly, I’m just plagued with neverending anxiety at this point. And it’s affected how I just. function. I don’t eat much anymore and I rarely get more than an average of 2-3 hours of sleep. I just realized today that for the past two days I’d eaten nothing but a hot pocket and a slim jim. Most of the time my anxiety makes me so sick to my stomach that eating feels impossible so I just. don’t. As for sleep I don’t really sleep because I’ve had constant and repeated nightmares so every time I hit rem I’m not in for long before I’m jolted awake. Last night was the first I’d actually slept for an appropriate time in months.

I’m dealing with a lot of shit rn, a lot of it is just. self loathing. So I’ve lost enjoyment in doing things that makes me happy cause I just don’t feel I deserve to be happy. Saying it out loud should make me. idk. know how to deal with it but it doesn’t. There’s been more than just the shit with the church and I’ve realized I’m kinda an idiot! and no one wants to deal with me because I’m too depressed and because I don’t act allistic. And before you throw in your “I like you!” asks 1. I’m not looking for sympathy and please don’t take this as a pity party, I’m just trying to explain things and 2. I don’t need people to lie for me or exaggerate things for me. Y’all don’t know what I’m like irl. I don’t follow social situations well, I mess up a lot, I’m too clumsy, I’m too much of a downer, I don’t wanna do anything anymore. It’s fine, I wasn’t cut out for this shit and I wouldn’t wanna deal with me either. No one owes me their time, affection, whatever. I’m not entitled to anyone’s praise. So, it’s cool. I’m just coming to grips with how much I really don’t like myself.

And uh. After that experience with the church I lost my faith. I no longer consider myself a christian and losing my belief in the one thing I felt I could always trust has further ruined me. Every christian community I’ve tried to participate in has rejected me for who I am. And I’ve just come to realize I don’t believe in the same stuff that Christianity teaches. I won’t go into super big details about my beliefs but yeah. These people would consider me a godless heathen at this point. And now I feel irrational anger or want to cry at christianity/topics about it. Which when you live in a Christian household with gospel music constantly playing and reminders about how much this god wants you to die for being a nasty faggot well, that shit is hard to deal with.

So yeah. I know right after this I’m gonna act more chill and more like my “who gives a fuck” self or. whoever the fuck he is. But people have noticed I don’t talk much anymore and that I haven’t been very active here. And I’m sorry about how inactive the blog’s been lately. Idk if this’ll forever be on a hiatus, I’d like to do more here again. But I don’t do anything anymore. The most I’ve done is draw something for elly and that’s about it. Cause now every time I try to make something I enjoy all I can think about is how stupid it is and how stupid I am for wanting to enjoy it and then I end up doing nothing all day or I go to work and then come back and do nothing. so in the meantime I’m sorry if all I do is bitch or make stupid posts, I’m trying to communicate more before I eventually lose the will to try. and I’m sorry if this post makes things awkward because I’m about to answer more positive asks and act okay right after I post this, but I’ve been avoiding being honest about this for awhile and my anxiety got so bad today that the only thing that’s alleviated it has been writing this. So, I’m sorry to the people who I made worry or that it seems I’ve ignored. I’m not trying to ignore anyone, but I honestly can’t muster the energy to just simply interact with people lately. I don’t think I’ll be abandoning this blog but idk if I’m ready to manage it properly like I used to. idk when I’ll BE ready but I’m sorry to those who’ve had to deal with my bullshit and lack of stims lately.

TL;DR: I’m in a deep depression because the church I attended/was passionate about/was a big deal in rejected me for being queer, I’m in a constant state of anxiety and/or despair, I no longer enjoy doing anything, I hate myself, I work a job I hate, and I’m going to go back to acting like shit’s okay but people were suspecting something was wrong and they’re starting to worry so here’s my explanation.

#not stim #Joker speaks #vent #long post #religion tw #LGBT+phobia tw #transphobia tw #panphobia tw #ask to tag #Mod Joker

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d3sertbaby · 6 years ago

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To Whom It May Concern: Everyone is entitled to an opinion, you are allowed to believe whatever you may wish. You’re allowed to think that transwomen aren’t women, you’re allowed to think that transmen aren’t men, you’re allowed to think trans folk are just looking for attention, running away from something, or trying to invade spaces of the opposite gender. You are allowed to think, to breathe, and nobody should wish anything poor upon you. You are a human being, no opinion, phrase, nor anything else can change that. However, it doesn’t mean everyone else will agree with you.

Trans folk calling anyone who disagrees with them a terf, or a transphobe is not right in my eyes, but to others, there’s no problem with it. Letting all transwomen into any women’s only space is not right in my eyes, but some people think it is. It’s all a matter of opinion, but when it comes down to things like someone just showing pride, accepting who they are, and loving themself? No matter what, I will never be accepting of someone who thinks that way. You still deserve to live, you’re still allowed to have opinions, but that doesn’t mean that I like you. Being polite is one thing, being rude is a completely different realm. Having a calm, mature conversation with someone can mean the world to them, you might even transfer them over as well. Out of my own experience, my past actions, I can tell you now, calling someone a moron, or just outright insulting others will get you nowhere. Obviously, this is primarily aimed at the trans discourse community, but it falls under pretty much any.

That being said, I would greatly appreciate it if anyone who is a terf, radfem, or anything of the sorts to actually read through what I’m going to say. I’d also encourage you to even interact, though not with mindless hate, and instead your side of the argument. I know no matter what, I’m going to get negative things. I accept that fate. It’s completely fine, even if stressful and saddening. I am going to put this under a cut, just because it’s super long and I don’t want to interrupt anyone’s scrolling.

I am a transwoman. I have lived my entire life in complete and utter shame. I have copious amounts of internalized transphobia, and I own up to it. However, logging onto Tumblr, only to find that people are suddenly insisting that others like me are vile, disgusting, and just downright terrible, only worsens said transphobia. I’ve grown since I was younger, I’ve learned to accept my identity and who I am, but it’s so incredibly hard to see people denying that identity, calling other people in the same situation as me men. You might think that transwomen are fetishists, or trying to break into women’s spaces, and sure, some probably are, but not all of us are like that.

Most transwomen struggle immensely in their daily lives, and I must admit, every single time I see someone use “Suck my girl dick” as an argument or insult, it hurts me. It triggers my dysphoria. It reminds me that until I have the courage to come out, if I ever come out, everyone is going to see me as a man. The internet is one of the few places I’ve actually ever felt safe. I grew up in a house of boys, with a single father who were so hooked on ideologies that I got bullied and ridiculed for being girly, for liking ‘girl things’ so standing in front of a mirror, teary eyed and anguished, realizing the reason I hate my body, that I’ve always hated myself is because I’m not a man is incredibly painful. It’s scary, it’s scary realizing you’re different, the type of person that your family continuously mocked. It doesn’t feel good.

Then the pain continues, it worsens and grows. It’s like a disgusting monster growing and itching to get out. You have to shower? You end up sitting in the tub and sobbing for an hour because you look down and get disgusted with yourself. Change clothes? You panic, you panic and wheeze because you look in your dresser and see only things from the men’s aisle, you look down at your chest and get that sinking sense of wrong all over again. Have to go to the bathroom in public? You feel like you’re going to be sick, walking into the room clearly labeled for men, and it’s even worse when you’re met with urinals.

It builds up. All that pent up agony stacks and stacks until you break.

I’ve broken several times. At times I got angry, I took it out on others. At others? I got sad. I got so unbelievably sad. Times where my dysphoria have broken me have been the worst in my life. Dysphoria is not a matter of just feeling connected to the opposite sex, of liking colors ‘girls’ should like. It’s painful. It’s one of the worst thing’s I’ve ever experienced. It charges depression, it fuels hatred, it makes you cynical and in a constant state of wrong.

It’s not just your junk, or your face, or your voice either. Most people with dysphoria I’ve found hate a whole lot more than that. I could just be sitting, trying to relax, only to find that my hands look too big, my legs are too built and blocky, my torso is too straight, my wrists, oh god my wrists. Everything. It’s everything. Then, in the one place you feel safe, someone points out that you, you of all people have a penis, and therefore, no matter how much you try to pass, you have a penis. You do not have a vulva, no uterus, no breasts. You are a man.

You don’t realize how much damage you do as an outsider. You don’t realize that organ you’re pointing out has made someone want to die. And that’s okay. You don’t understand and that’s not your fault, but it’s different when someone expresses that they are a woman, and you point it out.

That, that is being a jerk.

Terfs with good intentions are fine by me. I believe that transwomen shouldn’t be allowed in some places, that rape centers for women should not be shut down for stupid reasons, that some people do things and it damages women.

But if you purposefully misgender someone, that’s where I draw the line.

If it’s out of ignorance, sure, that’s okay. If it’s to be a jerk and trigger their dysphoria, it is not. I have suffered my whole life, I do indeed have problems that radfems like to ignore, it is not because I am connected to women.

It’s because being a man makes me wish I never existed.

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