#but the best self-care for my mental health is writing.... I just hate that it's the lowest priority in my life...

[mari-beau]

Apparently, my routine has become that Sunday Mornings are for writing fanfiction (smut).

[dogearedheart]

8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)

[lyn-1225]

Tough days

Pairing: Carl Gallagher x fem!reader

Warnings: fluff, depression, self harm, anxiety (a little bit), blood, panic attack, sexual reference. I think that’s about it.

Word count: 2000-3000

A/n: I’ve been absolutely obsessed with shameless lately and Carl is my favorite by far. Of course I had to stay up till 2 AM to write this. I’m currently working on a request sent but if you have a request please don’t hesitate to let me know :) enjoy my bad writing.

⚠️ if you are sensitive to topics of mental health please don’t read this. Your safety and mental health is a top priority. ⚠️

This gif of Carl makes me want to scream 😆

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Your POV:

It was known that life wasn’t fair.

It never was and it never would be.

It seemed like I could never catch a break.

Once life actually seemed good, something would come and fuck it up.

This time depression decided to fuck it up.

I’ve always suffered with it, but this time it was different. It was always manageable and short before but now, it was longer and harder to deal with.

The overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough and that everyone around me hated me was way stronger than it’s ever been.

Normally reading, writing, painting, or listening to music would help but I was too in my head this time.

I couldn’t get out.

Thought after thought filled my head as I held the small cold razor in my right hand.

It wasn’t the first time unfortunately.

It was some sort of relief. At the time that is.

Small droplets of blood run down my left forearm, the pain allowing for a small relief that I’ve been needing.

That relief is short lived when the thoughts come swarming back to my head.

Oh no not again.

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t manage to get rid of the nasty thoughts.

Just one more.

One turned into two which then turned into three.

At that point I gave up. Not on life but on that form of relief.

It was only harming me not helping me.

I stand up from the toilet seat washing off the razor and my arm being careful of the fresh cuts.

The sting makes me wince as the water runs over my skin.

I turn the water off heading back to my room to change and hide the razor.

Spotting a grey long sleeve shirt I swap it out for my current t- shirt. Finding a pair of black, pink sweatpants I put them on taking my shorts off beforehand.

The heat from the shirt and pants envelops me making me feel happy.

I was no longer cold due to the weather that somehow only happens at night around here.

Lately things at home haven’t been the best. My parents are almost never home anymore. They never really cared about me in the first place.

I pick up my phone checking the time that shows up in big font.

11:43 PM.

My mind still runs as I check my recent notifications hoping and praying that Carl texted.

He didn’t.

Carl and I have been best friends for years. We met in school of course.

To be honest I have no idea why he wanted to be friends with me. I’m the complete opposite of him.

He doesn’t seem to care though.

Yes he does he thinks you’re annoying that mean voice in my head sneers.

That’s not true.. right?

Those thoughts plague my mind sending me into a whirlwind of emotions. How pathetic am I to be easily persuaded by a single thought in my head?

The panic in my chest starts to rise signaling the worst thing that could be happening right now.

Fuck.

Immediately I find Carl’s contact, pressing the call button.

Placing the phone to my ear with a shaky hand, I try to take deep breaths.

After the fourth ring he picks up.

“Hello?” He says in a groggy voice.

Shit. I woke him up.

“Hi um” I start before stopping my sentence as I feel a lump form in my throat.

“Hey you okay?” Carl asks on the other side picking up on my hesitation.

“I um. I-is it okay if I um. Come over” I stutter pinching my eyes together trying not to break down.

“Yeah of course, I’ll wait for you outside” he says, shuffling being heard from his side of the phone.

“T-thank you” I say starting to head for my front door.

“I’ll be here” he reassures before hanging up.

I place my phone in my pocket opening the front door. Shutting the door behind me I start for the Gallagher house.

It’s probably a good thing I live a few houses down from him.

The dark cold outside fills around me. The cold somehow creeping through my warm clothes.

Walking fast down the sidewalk, the panic in my chest starts to worsen making my head fog up and my heart rate pick up.

Carls figure appears a few houses away. His body sitting on the steps to his house as he looks out at the road the street light illuminating his face just the right way.

Without even realizing it my pace quickens hoping that I wouldn’t start breaking down in the middle of the neighborhood.

As I get closer and closer the tightness in my lungs starts making it harder for me to breathe.

Shit.

Tears sting my eyes when I reach his calm yet slightly worried appearance.

He immediately gets up noticing me standing in front of him.

Without a word he leads me up the stairs and into his warm and cozy home.

Home.

This felt like home.

The tears in my eyes start to fall as the panic attack starts to take control. Normally I’d be able to stop an upcoming attack before it starts but this one was way to strong.

“Shit y/n” Carl whispers shocked at my sudden emotions. He quickly pulls my body towards the couch as tears run down my cheeks.

It was embarrassing to have him see me like this. Even though we’ve been friends for years, I’ve never been the type to express my feelings openly. I’ve never cried in front of him before.

There’s a first for everything right?

He holds my face in his hands, worry lacing over his beautiful features.

Sobs rack through my body as it gets harder and harder to breathe.

“I can’t b-breathe” I hiccup placing a shaky hand on my rapidly beating heart.

Fear starts to push into my mind.

Not the typical fears.

The tightness in my chest and the lack of air going into my lungs was starting to scare me.

Was I dying?

“Look at me” Carl says trying to get my focus on him. His hand taps my leg enough to get my attention but not enough to scare me.

Everything around me starts to spin making it extremely difficult to focus.

“Y/n look at me” he tries again this time moving my head in his direction griping my chin slightly.

My eyes lock with his, my entire body feeling like it’s gonna give out any second. “Follow my breathing” he says moving my hands to his stomach so that I could feel the rhythm of his breathing.

The rise and fall of his stomach underneath my hands calms me the slightest bit. It’s not enough to stop my internal and external freak out though.

He takes a few deep breaths keeping his hands on mine. His eyes hold contact with mine the entire time. Not in a creepy way of course but more in a concerned way.

Inhale

Exhale

I try to do what he’s doing, failing a few times.

Inhale

Exhale

My heart beats a mile per minute, my mind still racing.

Inhale

Exhale

My breathing starts to get better as I follow his lead.

Inhale

Exhale

I open my eyes for what felt like the first time. No more cloudy eyes filled with tears.

Inhale

Exhale

My heart beat starts to slow down the more I match my breathing.

Inhale

Exhale

The panic attack comes to a slow close, my body feeling drained of any stamina it originally had.

That was the worst panic attack I’ve ever had.

“Good” Carl comments making it known to me that he’s relieved that I’m no longer freaking out. Squeezing my hands in his slowly taking them away from his stomach he gives me a small yet sad smile.

I could tell he wanted to ask me about it but I know he didn’t want to push. Considering the fact that this was the first time I’ve cried in front of him, he was smart enough to know that I wouldn’t immediately talk about it.

My mind starts to clear giving me that much needed silence in my head. The silence I only seem to get with him.

I bow my head a few stray tears falling from my eyes.

“I’m sorry” I whisper, the embarrassment starting to show through.

Everything I’ve bottled up has presented itself to the one person I didn’t think would be there to see it.

“Hey, hey” he says lifting my head wiping the tears from my face.

“Don’t ever be sorry for something you can’t control” he frowned looking into my slightly glossy eyes.

His green eyes stare deeply into mine with an emotion I didn’t quite know. His face shows so many emotions that tell me exactly how he feels about the situation. He seems more shocked and worried than anything.

I nod my head silently saying okay even though I was gonna continue saying sorry even in times where I did nothing wrong. That’s just me though.

After a few seconds of us sitting in silence, he reaches over to the coffee table grabbing the remote before turning the tv on. He slightly lays down urging me to lay down as well.

Grateful that he decided to leave it, I lean down next to him making sure I don’t get in his way.

“Want to watch something specific?” He asks turning to me pointing the remote towards me.

“Um. I don’t know” I answer looking down at my arms. My left sleeve had risen to the point where the fresh cuts underneath where showing. I pull my sleeve further down my arm quickly enough to make sure Carl didn’t see.

I was to busy worrying about my sleeve that I didn’t notice the fact that Carl was starting at me the entire time. With him staring at me meant him also starting at my exposed arm.

I didn’t pull my sleeve down fast enough.

He saw my arm before I could even blink.

His expression changed when I turned back towards him. This time he was more sad and discouraged.

“Oh y/n/n” he sighed leaning up so that he was closer to me.

He takes my arms in his hands slowly lifting both my sleeves up.

The right arm only had a few scattered scars from a while ago, but the fresh cuts on my left arm show in full display, a few of them still slightly bleeding.

He runs the tips of his middle and pointer finger around the cuts focusing on the sight in front of him. The small action causes goosebumps to rise on my arms.

“Why?” He questions lightly going over the cuts now. He was hesitant when asking one of the questions that I’ve been dreading since my depression started.

I’ve been hiding my emotions and my thoughts for so long that everything that should be let out is bottling up in my mind.

I trusted Carl with everything in me. I’ve always been scared to share my thoughts in fear that no one would care or they’d say that I’m an attention seeker. All of this comes from past trauma that has kicked my ass in the past and still does now.

It was time for me to tell him. He’s come to me in the worst times of his life crying at my shoulder. It was time to allow myself to do the same.

“I needed a release” I start, clearing the silence in the air.

He looks up at me a mixture of surprise and sadness knowing that I was about to open up about everything going on.

“My mind won’t shut up. I have these overwhelming fears that everyone around me hates me. That you find me annoying. That I’m not good enough” I explain looking at him for his reaction.

“There’s a lot more shit that I still need to talk about but I think for right now this is a good start” I say showing a tight lipped smile.

His eyes soften at my explanation.

“I don’t find you annoying at all. You are the only person I like talking to other than my family” he says moving his hands back down to mine.

“Truth is. I’ve had a crush on you since we met. I just never had the guts to admit it” he says rubbing small circles into my hands.

Relief and delight fills my body at his sudden confession. Relief that he wasn’t judging me for my thoughts and delight because the crush I’ve had on him for years was reciprocated.

I smile at him squeezing his hand “I’ve had a crush on you too.”

A smile graces his face now at my confession. He wraps his arms around my upper body pulling me towards his chest.

I feel myself melt at his touch as the sensation of calm runs through my veins.

I wrap my arms around his neck, my head finding it way to his chest. Our heartbeats quickens a bit at the interaction.

He kisses the top of my head making sure that I know he’s sincere about his confession before pulling back from the embrace.

“Let’s get you cleaned up” he says standing up from the couch. He reaches his hand out to me wanting me to take it.

“Okay” I smile taking his hand, standing up with a little bit of his help.

My body is still shaky which means my legs feel like jelly underneath me. Exhaustion still evident within me.

He leads me to the kitchen taking his hand out from mine when we reach the counter top and the sink.

I clear a spot on the counter before I hop up on it, waving my legs back and forth like a child.

He grabs a cup filling it with water handing it to me.

“Drink this” he demands handing me the cup while trying to sound stern even though he’s gone soft for me.

“Don’t go acting all mean on me now” I chuckle taking a sip of the cool water.

“I’ll be back” he laughs shaking his head at my statement. He walks up the stairs and out of my sight leaving me to sit with my almost clear mind.

I take a few more sips of my drink as I wait for him to get back.

A few minutes later he walks back down the stairs holding a first aid kit.

“Sorry I took so long, I couldn’t find it at first. There’s so much shit in this house that everything I see is lost the next day” he snickers examining the box in his hands.

I laugh as he sets it on the counter to the left of my body. He opens the box searching through the contents to find the things he needed.

He grabs some ointment and some alcohol spray, placing them off to the side. He then grabs bandage wrap placing that to the side as well.

Walking over to the laundry he picks out a dish rag walking it back over to the sink. He runs the water over half the rag making sure that that water is rung out.

“Ready?” He asks moving to my left side.

“Your not doing surgery on me right?” I ask trying my best to sound concerned for my safety.

I laugh a little to try and lighten the mood considering the circumstances i got him involved in.

He laughs as well placing the cold wet rag on my forearm. Focusing on what he’s doing he gently runs the rag along my arm making sure to clean up any blood or dirt that has built up around the cuts.

The more he looks at it the more I can tell it’s starting to affect him. His once smiley face turned serious as time went on.

“Promise me you won’t do this again” he pleads taking his eyes off my arm. He looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“I promise” I say giving him a genuine reassuring look that both me and him need.

It’s hard to make a promise that you don’t know if you’ll keep, but I know that if I do break the promise he would understand. Of course I’m gonna do everything in my power to never do this again.

His eyes light up at my promise making him smile. Seeing him happy about my promise makes me even more determined to not break it.

Using the dry side of the rag he dries up my arm, placing the rag into the sink for someone else in the house to take care of it.

He grabs the spray from off the counter uncapping it and pointing it towards my arm.

“This is gonna sting” he says spraying it onto the fresh cuts. The stinging sensation flows through my arm making me wince slightly.

It wasn’t the worst pain in the world but you could definitely feel it.

He quickly finished up with the spray giving me a sympathetic look as he caps the spray and puts it back onto the counter.

He looks back down at my arm grabbing the ointment unscrewing the lid.

He applies small amounts on my arm before rubbing it over the cuts with a gentle touch I never thought he’d have.

That alone makes my heart flutter.

I stare at him with loving eyes as he cleans his fingers off and grabs the bandage wrap. He starts to wrap my arm with the bandage making sure that it’s tight enough that It won’t fall off but not tight enough for it to cut off my circulation.

“There, all done” he smiles placing everything back into the kit shutting it closed.

I smile before looking down at my bandage wrapped arm. The white wrap goes around almost my entire forearm. The sight makes it look like I belong in a psych ward.

That thought makes me frown knowing what I did to myself.

I didn’t deserve that.

He didn’t deserve that.

“Hey” Carl says gaining my attention. I look up in his direction as he moves in between my legs.

“It’s okay” he says placing his hands on my hips. He looks at me with soft eyes.

The tears in my eyes start to fall down my face again. I quickly wipe them away trying to make it seem like I wasn’t just crying in front of him.

Carl takes my face in his hands rubbing my cheeks with each of his thumbs. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t open up to me” he says keeping his eyes trained on mine.

“I know you don’t like talking about your feelings but it’s obvious whatever’s going on is hurting you. I don’t want you feeling hurt” he whispers the last part tears of his own starting to form.

“Carl please don’t cry” I say lifting my hands to his face so that I could wipe underneath his eyes. He moves his hands from my face down to my hips again lightly squeezing the fat that is there.

“Things at home haven’t been the greatest” I start about to tell my whole life story to him.

He stares at me intently urging me to continue my words as he rubs my hip bones with his thumbs.

“My parents were never around. I practically raised myself my entire life. Anytime they were home they would constantly yell at each other” I say looking at him then looking around the room.

“I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since I was 9 or 10” I confess. His eyebrows furrow at the age I said. That was a year or so before me and him met.

“It hasn’t been to bad to deal with. I can deal with it on my own, but this time it was worse” I bow my head feeling slightly ashamed at the fact that I couldn’t control it.

“I didn’t think I could go through this one alone so I came here” i finish as I look around the house. The safe proximity helping me feel okay.

I look back to him waiting to hear a response. He looks at me with big eyes and a small sad smile.

Out of nowhere he leans his head forward capturing my lips in a passionate and sweet kiss.

The kiss is soft and filled with the emotions running through his head.

My stomach explodes with butterflies, our lips move in sync with each other.

He keeps his hands on my hips this time squeezing them a little bit more than before.

A little out of breath we pull away our foreheads leaning against each other.

“Im so sorry if I gave you a reason to not trust me with everything you’ve gone through” he whispers to me touching his nose to mine.

“Carl” I start looking into his eyes. “Please don’t let yourself think that I don’t trust you. I trust you more than I trust anyone else in my life” I say.

“From now on I will talk to you anytime something happens. I won’t bottle things up anymore” I promise him taking my forehead away from his.

He smiles at me before wrapping his arms around my shoulders while mine wrap around his waist.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you” he chuckles resting his head on top of mine.

“Trust me. Me too” I smile leaning my head up to kiss the side of his jaw. He looks down at me a huge smile crossing his face.

“This definitely isn’t the right time but is it wrong for me to say that you kissing my jaw is a huge turn on” he says pulling away from our hug.

“Oh really” I smirk purposefully moving my hands to his waist so that I could pull him closer.

“Want me to prove it” he asks maneuvering his hands along my thighs dangerously close to where he wanted to be the most.

I would be lying if I said this wasn’t turning me on as well but instead of giving in I decided to be a tease.

“Nah I’m good thanks though” I say nonchalantly jumping down from the counter grabbing my glass that previously had water in it.

“You son of a bitch” Carl says looking at me as if I spit at him. Putting my glass under the faucet I turn it on filling the glass back up with water.

I point my left middle finger at him while I take a large sip of the water.

He looks at me in disbelief his eyes slightly wide.

I’ve never been like this before but I guess now I’m gonna show every part of me that he never knew.

“So that’s how you want to play huh?” He asks moving closer to me. He has a smug look on his face like he’s about to pounce at any moment.

“Don’t you dare” I say placing my glass down before backing away from him slowly.

He continues moving forward trapping me in the corner of the sink and the refrigerator.

Suddenly running towards me he picks me up making me squeal.

I wrap my legs around his waist while my arms wrap around his neck trying to make sure I don’t fall.

He laughs placing his hands around my back. He spins me around in a circle keeping a strong grip around me.

“I like this position” he comments earning a slap to the side of the head from me. “Stop it” I laugh wrapping my arms around his neck again.

He walks us to the living room lightly throwing me down onto the couch before landing on top of me.

He leans up to place a short kiss to my lips before turning the tv back on to a random channel.

He switches through a few channels before giving up. There wasn’t anything good on since it was practically the middle of the night.

It was some sort of animal channel but we didn’t care.

We only cared about each other.

He cuddled up to my chest pulling my sleeves back down my arms to my hands knowing it was annoying me.

I play with his hair as both of us start to loose touch of reality and start to blink back sleep.

Tonight’s actions run through my head one last time before I fall asleep with him cuddled up to me.

I hope every day includes special moments like what we had tonight.

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A/n: Every imagine I see they say Carl has blue eyes. When I looked it up on google it said that he had green eyes. So that’s what I went with. Hope you liked the imagine :) I had a great time writing it.

[enmmyheavenscg]

GREETINGS !

Hello everyone, it’s been a while, no?

I’m sorry for the inactivity, but I have not been in the best mental state im afraid.

TW FOR SUI MENTION, CHILD ABUSE [neglect, physical & emotional] , SH, HOSPITALIZATION, HEART ATTACKS & INCEST

Now through out the entire month of June, my mental health has gone downhill. I have shared this a couple times, yes but- I have not shared the full story.

On June 1st, my brother had recently gotten out of the hospital, during the time I had been living with my grandma. My grandma is absolutely horrible- she does nothing but make comments about me aswell as make me uncomfortable.

when my brother had gotten out and I was recently back home, all the attention had been on him- usually, I wouldn’t care and that would make the most sense, Yes but- to completely ignore your own kid- me. It’s the whole family that’s been ignoring me overall, which I don’t even care, it’s been like this my entire life and I hate it.

My mothers behavior hadn’t changed, she had even gotten worst, she’d raise her hand and hurt me- she does not understand how her actions affect me, and after she physically lays her hands on me she acts as if nothing had happened and that everything was normal. Her comments about my body, my health- my everything affects me and she finds it oh so ‘hilarious’ I’ve tried to tell her how I feel and she’s laughed in my face before- I hate this family in everyway.

The worst thing that had happened was when I happened to have a heart attack in call- and she brushed it off like it was nothing- we had also just recently been driving back from the hospital because my brothers stomach was hurting- wow because a kid having a heart attack is less important than a stomach ache-

I don’t mean to be selfish im just ? Angry with her, Angry with the whole world. My body is always in pain yet nobody could ever care, im always suffering . I’ve tried to end it 3 separate times and failed, I’ve relapsed multiple times aswell. I’ve been little so often it makes me feel guilty, Yes I know I’ve said before- ‘there is no such thing as being too little’ but I genuinely want to be big for once- I’ve had to mask being big multiple times and I just hate it, i wanna be a little kid. I want my childhood back. I want my old happy self back, nobody understands me- I don’t even understand me, dude.

June 25th- my brother had been in the hospital again during this time. He’s currently on the day Im writing this (July 10th) out of the hospital! He had been since July 1st. He had been in the hospital for a while during this time but- on June 25th I was heading to my cousins house, Finally. As much as I had fun there I was also extremely

Like- EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

My cousins were there- my cousin who forced me into a relationship with her, made me do uncomfortable things with her was there.. and so was my younger cousin, my younger cousin who would touch me in places I asked her not to, unlike the older cousin, I had genuinely told my mother that my cousin was touching me in places I didn’t want. My mother didn’t believe me, she used to be like ‘oh she’s just a child, she doesn’t know better’ which was just disgusting.

June was just. Absolutely horrible, if I had the chance once again, Id truly end it all. It’s not fair, why does everyone hhab it good but not mme I deserve to be happy, Don’t I?

I’d truly start a fundraiser for myself so I could leave this house but, im stuck here. There is no way in hell I could possibly leave- perhaps when im 18, I’ll have the chance to.

But but- this whole post isn’t about me pitying myself, it is about me taking a break.

I will be going on break Yes, I’ll mostly be on in discord, just won’t be speaking to people much, if you decide to check up on me in discord I’ll probably reply, apologies if not.

I wont be away for long as much as I’ve gone through a lot, I’ll probably take a couple days

I mite take like .. 5 days (on discord and all my social media..) and be back. PLEASE. Please try and reblog this if you can.

Remember to stay safe everyone and that i love you all !

This is Emmy signing off ! Bye bye ! 🩵

[princessbrunette]

RULES ♡

♡ this is a given, but minors do not interact! i can’t stop you from doing what you want to do. but respect my boundaries, you will be blocked otherwise.

♡ i will not engage with hate in my ask box about myself or other tumblr writers. its not the place for that.

♡ i don’t open tiktok links or tbh a lot of other links that aren’t tumblr links unless it’s in context soz

♡ please don’t just ask to be an emoji anon without having anything else to say in the message! this sounds harsh, but a lot of people ask to be an emoji anon and i add them to the list and i never hear from them again. from now on i will be mostly ignoring asks that are just asking to be an emoji with nothing else to the message.

♡ i only reply to what i have inspiration for! if i don’t answer the request pls don’t take it personally or spam my inbox asking again and again, it will be ignored!

♡ to add to the point above, please don’t send asks / messages asking if i’m receiving your requests. i likely am ! i will either get to them eventually or i just don’t vibe with it enough to write about it. i kindly ask you don’t take it personally as i try my best to get through as many asks as i can. no i dont hate you!

♡ whilst i’d love to be there for you, i am not a therapist and i have my own problems too. please do not trauma dump in my ask box. to add; please do not request a character dealing with very specific or deep issues as i don’t want to write that kind of thing in fear of not doing it justice esp if its not something i struggle with!

♡ my blog caters to hyper fem!reader simply because that’s who i am, and what i enjoy. therefore, that’s all i will be writing and i apologise if you do not identify this way and cannot connect to my reader! its honestly all i know, as i put myself in readers shoes. other than that however i do not race / weight code my reader, or physically describe them in any way aside from clothes / nails / accessories etc :)

♡ please do not demand i write certain things, demand a part 2, or express disappointment in where i choose to end the piece of writing! pressuring me to write in general generally doesn’t sit well with me n will only motivate me to do the opposite !

♡ alongside this, i know it sounds petty but i get it all the time and honestly it’s quite annoying — if you spam asks saying “i miss *insert character or au that i write* :(” but offer no ideas about them to write, i’m just going to take that as you complaining and not write them for you.

♡ there is dark theming on this blog! for example stepcest / fauxcest. do not reblog or reply with things like ‘i find X part weird but i liked everything else’ etc because i wont take kindly to it ! without sounding like a total bitch, i don’t care what u don’t like ! this is my blog hehe , if u feel like you won’t enjoy a certain fic i have no issue w you scrolling past!

♡ i write for a handful of people, but usually fixate on one or two characters whilst i’m in a certain ‘phase’. if this doesn’t interest you, feel free to unfollow or mute! but understand my blog is catered to my current interests.

♡ i do not write for rape, self harm/suicide, insecurity issues/ mental health issues.

♡ please don’t make your writing, layout of your writing, or blog look identical to mine. i find it disrespectful when my theming etc gets copied so i will probably limit my interaction with you! i can’t tell you what to do and i dont ‘own’ certain things but if you have enough respect for me to be inspired, have enough respect to make your blog your own !! this being said pls credit ideas from me too !

♡ please don’t send requests to my dms or dm me personal questions / anything inappropriate.

♡ please no super long super specific requests. if i see an ask that starts with ‘could you write’ and the ask is multiple paragraphs it will probably be ignored unfortunately !

♡ friendly reminder that i’m not forcing you to follow me !! if you’re upset with me enforcing boundaries i suggest you don’t follow. i will likely not give attention to u voicing this or being rude to me for doing so.

if you have any questions or feel i missed out anything vital, don’t be afraid to ask or let me know! this is a safe space for girls gays and… indy 🩷

[justcallmenikki7]

Hi, it’s Nikki.

I’m writing this to give you all, the ones who are still here even tho I’ve been basically hiatus for a while now, with some posts here and there. You probably all, also, saw this coming, but I’m sadly done writing.

God, im crying lmao.

Anyways, I realized after constantly trying to write something, outline, everything, I couldn’t write anymore. Maybe it’s because I went through a severe abusive relationship at the beginning of April 2022 to the end of November of 2022, and it completely changed me as a person. I lost a lot of love, likes, whatever you may call it, from that relationship. It changed me, and one of the things it changed in me was my love for writing. My spark isn’t here anymore, and I’ve been trying to hold on for the last possible year and a half for you guys, but it hasn’t happened. I’m afraid of change, I’m afraid of letting go, and have a bad time of accepting the fact that i mayve grown out of a phase, you know? My love for the boys will always be there, always.

What has also caused me lots of stress, and is a sign of losing my spark, has been trying to write and come up with ideas, and creat stories for those who have messaged me privately, and I feel terrible for not being able to do that, and I hate breaking promises/not keeping my word because I wanted to make you guys happy, and I’ve failed those individuals. I’m sorry for not finishing those requests, and I’m sorry that I never actually started them because I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to make you happy, but I couldn’t get anything out and so I sat for the longest time, trying to get a good paragraph, or in a general a sentence out, but i couldn’t and I didn’t.

And I’ve sadly relapsed the other night after almost 2 years of being clean from s/h. My depression has been in the dumps, and even tho I have so many positives going on in my life and such amazing people, and an amazing partner, my mental health is deteriorating and I need to focus on myself.

I know I’ve once done a short hiatus before and came back because sometimes a small break is good to have, but sometimes all things must come to an end, and I’m officially closing my chapter with tumblr and writing for good.

I’ve made a couple of friends on here, and those friends I want to address real quickly and say my peace.

@wickizer , girl you know everything and ily

@minniepetals . My gosh, I remember reading your story String of Fate when it first came out, and I swore up and down, still today I do, that it’ll be published in the hall of fame. Despite it being on its hiatus, it’s still the best story so far. You deserve an award for your writing, and your story Cry Me A River is such an amazing masterpiece. I’ve been meaning to read it all, but life has gotten in the way and I’m so proud of you. Even tho we haven’t talked in the longest time, I’m still cheering you on, on here and outside of tumblr.

@aft3rhrs . Love, you’re amazing and I hope you take care of yourself and take time for yourself. Self love and self kindness is a priority and make yourself a priority. Your writing is beautiful and I’m glad we befriended each other. I’m cheering you on, and always will. Thank you for being a kind person.

And every other writer that I bonded with on here, I love you and will be a huge cheerleader for you. To those who I reached out to when I was still new for advice, or for me to fangirl to, thank you for being kind and helpful.

And to my followers, the ones who cheered me on to keep writing when I first joined tumblr, thank you for being kind and supportive. I love each and every single one of you. You made this place a safe place for the longest time, and I’m thankful for all of you.

I’m sorry for the longest apology and me basically dumping my issues on here, I just needed to be honest with you all. I didn’t want this to sound like a ‘poor me’ ‘feel sorry for me’ but I needed to, like I said before, be honest with you.

This is scary for me, but this is me saying goodbye.

Love forever and always, justcallmenikki7.

[infranthrax]

helo. im one they call 🍂 and id like to. make a request. i hope ur doing okay (*＞∇＜)ﾉ ur free to write this or not

i would like to request an angst w/ a good ending type of thing if its okay. a platonic f!reader&heartslabyul (seperately. if its limited to one character, you can go with riddle) headcanon that has the following plot;

mc is a pessimistic person, a very tired, overworked one. all they want is a bit of peace and quiet, but they care about the heartslabyul gang very much. they have kind of become a mom/older sister to the group (kinda like trey). anyway, one day the gang realizes that mc seems more irritable than usual which results in them making a snide remark/get in an arguement about the guy's flaws (like how riddle hurt many pre-overblot, how ace runs his mouth at the worst times, how deuce is not the brightest around, cater being addicted to his little social media sites, and trey ignoring the problems regarding riddle because he didnt want conflict, etc etc) that would hurt them.

they kind of ghosting everyone for a couple of days to calm down, and then they awkwardly come back with a box of sweets (that they managed to purchase by scraping by lmao, girlie's poor as hell...) to apologize, and eat them over tea! mc apologizes directly and wants to make up for their words, but they are not the best at speaking their mind.

ive seen countless fics where the main cast gets to be the agressive and sad, sopping wet cats, and reader comforting them. ngl, i wanted to write a piece where MC is the "sad little pathetic shrimp" but i just didnt have the time. anyway, i hope you like this prompt

oh my god I love this prompt! the mc is definitely the therapist of the group and I can imagine this happening… I restricted it down to just riddle given how detailed this prompt was, the rest of the dorm is self explanatory.☺️/pos (and thank you for your kind words! I hope you’re having a good day/night!)

generating new memory… please, one moment… ✨

𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊!

Heartslabyul x f!reader — headcanons!

sypnopsis: mc has had enough of the anal shenanigans after a near traumatic event, and she lashes back out at riddle, who is left bewildered and heated at the event.

light tw // domestic conflict, implied traumatic event

riddle rosehearts

riddle is just anal and sometimes he comes off as bossy and or ungrateful. that’s not really his intention however. that’s just an act of conditioning he’s been through.

so when he sees that you’re overwhelmed, at first he blind sighted to it. riddle isn’t great per se at emotions— let alone the ones of other people.

he gets on you for being late to class one day and it all piles up. You’re in a dorm full of boys— what girl wouldn’t have enough? at the time it was little around the time in which riddle overblotted, and he just went on with daily life like none of that ever happened.

he fucking hurt your ass. quite frankly that was the first (of many) overblots you’ll have to go through, and that’s how you’re gonna handle it? hell no, especially after the fact that you had to play superwoman to get the goons out of a near death situation.

before this, you had gotten into tiffs with the redhead on numerous occasions, trying to ground him down. never really did it work though as he was always stuck in his perfectionist ways. and you hated that about him because his mannerisms reflected into you.

he expected you to be able to carry yourself in a manner that would suit him. he expected you to dress a certain way. he expected you to follow his orders, his rules, his ultimatum. that you couldn’t stand any longer.

when he got on you for being tardy, the melting pot overflowed… and it wasn’t pretty either. let’s say you were in pain, in addition to your mental health plummeting due to not really having anyone to talk to, and then when mother nature calls upon you for your monthly drain you must attend.

you shouldn’t mess with the wrath of a woman on her period. this, riddle learned the hard way… with you.

“riddle… i swear… on god’s green earth, if you don’t shut the hell up… i’m fucking TRYING. I’M TRYING! FUCK YOU, YOU UPTIGHT PIECE OF SHIT, GO ON SOMEWHERE!”

and then the fire brewed. and then it exploded. (quite literally.) it would be hellish screaming match between you two, despite riddle claiming he is above such things. he really isn’t, he’s got a temper that’s about as fagile as glass. (no, it’s not microwave safe.)

after your blow up with riddle, you both proceed to give each other the silent treatment for the better part of a month. during this time you find comfort in your other classmates, spending time with other students outside of heartsllabyul, namely vil and rook, just for a boost of female empowerment.

and while riddle was contemplating all the bullshit that went down between the two of you, he began to feel a little bit of guilt. mattered if fact, both of you did. you shouldn’t have been so aggressive and he shouldn’t have been so… well, himself.

before class one day you enter your lab room to see a small box at your seat with a little note attached to it.

it was from riddle— a little chocolate potion bottle with those biscuits— the exact ones from the disney movie. little did he know, you happened to pop by sam’s shop to get him some mini fruit tarts and snuck into his class early to put them on his desk. you ate his little gift up, in a little bit of worry. would he accept that?

at the end of the day though, you had to return to heartslabyul to see him. and what a surprise, he wanted to talk to you.

call it him playing kiss ass— no, he’s not. he’s sorry. to be true, he should be more careful and more intuitive as a dorm lead to ensure the comfort of his students, and he does understand that sometimes he can come off as overbearing or, dare i say dictatorial. it’s really not meant to cause harm. it has a lot to do with his upbringing.

and you were sorry too. and you both hugged it out. every couple has their tiffs, right? just something he’s gonna have to work on.

[arinbelle]

So I saw a Nesta anti say they want a normal civil convo on why we like Nesta because they just don’t see it. I can respect someone trying to see a different POV so I wrote an extremely long essay on it and I think since my tags aren’t working I wanted to share this. For context, person said that Nesta is abusive and they have provided textual evidence. They also said Nesta excuses her actions because of her mental health. So they wanted to see what we see different because that is all they see. I thought I’d share this ridiculously long exposition I wrote out, since this is the most writing I’ve done in months.

Addition: I saw this creator say they understand why Nesta lashes out and acts so harmfully but their issues is the stans who excuse her actions. I do see Nesta stans who ignore some of the “bad” things she’s done but that’s really not the majority. Also if your issue is the fandom and not the character itself, idk if you’re really an anti. I hate Rhys stans, I’m not really anti Rhys. I dislike some of his actions but I more so hate his fans. It’s not the same thing.

My reply:

I think there's a lot to unpack here but I'll try my best to explain. I've seen your posts before where you bring evidence of Nesta's abuse on Feyre. And I'll give it to you. Yes. That is abuse. It's verbal abuse, it's mental or emotional abuse, and yes it's wrong. All of it is actually textbook, and yes, lots of Nesta stans like to say it's not because they are siblings but yes, unfortunately, abuse is abuse. (Addition: no one is saying verbal or mental abuse isn’t as impactful or dangerous as physical. It is. Studies have shown verbal abuse can at times register as physical pain and abuse to victims. And yes, Nesta was abusive to Feyre growing up. But my key word is WAS).

That being said, I have never thought Nesta gives her mental health as an excuse for her actions or words. If anything, she is completely closed off about what her own upbringing and traumas were like until we were well into acosf. If you can move on from the first few chapters of acotar, you can see that deep down Nesta loves Feyre and even her father.

It is Nesta who goes after Feyre and tries to get across the wall. It is Nesta who tells Feyre it is okay to go back to her life with Tamlin- and she tells her, don't come back, not in "we hate you" way, but in a, you've taken care of us, you've shouldered this burden, and I'm telling you it's okay and letting you go. It is Nesta and Elain who are turned Fae against their will, and you know, it is unfortunately Feyre's fault. Was that the goal? No. But you can understand some bitterness on Nesta's part. Even so, with all the trauma she went through in the Cauldron, she sees the importance of speaking to the High Lords about what is coming with Hybern and she does. She has a sense of morality and inner self, and she doesn't want to act like a coward even though she admits to everyone she is afraid. It is Nesta who helps in the war anyway that she can with the healers and the scrying, even though her entire life has just been upended and again, this is so scary to her. Everything about this new life is scary to her but she is trying.

Then her father dies and what little progress she had sort of reverses significantly and quickly. I will argue that Nesta has not at all been abusive to anyone past Feyre's childhood and the few first chapters of Acotar. Being mean to people who invade your personal space (Mor, Cassian) every once in a while is not abusive. It's just being a bitch. And honestly, everyone in acotar for the most part has had their bitchy moments.

She never excuses her actions and words. In fact, she KNOWS what she's doing. She's well aware of the hurt she's caused in the past and what her regrets are with her family and it tears her up inside, which is why she so rarely addresses it to herself and definitely not to others.

Why we love her? I think she's so different from all the other characters in acotar because she is so jagged. Because she admits that she's broken and sad and lost and she refuses to make it nice for everyone else's sake. That doesn't mean she keeps punishing people around her even though I've seen many antis say she does. Nesta moves away from Feyre and the IC when she's spiraling and the only times we get references of her being mean is when she's forced to meet them and play nice. Think of it this way- your dad is dead, you're grieving, you haven't had the 500 years plus of experience to navigate this in a healthy way, and people are constantly in your face either trying to get you to play nice or judging you foe it. Many antis love Rhys's quote on how Elain is nice or how Mor is so nice even though she's been through so much. But the reality is this, hurt people are HURT. They are not happy. It's not a realistic expectation for a person going through a major depressive episode to put on a facade to make everyone else feel good about themselves. It's not even in any selfish way, their mind is literally incapable of doing it because they are stuck in grief or numbness.

I think a lot of her stans, myself included love her because we see ourselves in her. Saying the wrong thing and then regretting it afterwards. Being stuck in our own minds and constantly being sad and anxious about everything and having nowhere to turn. Keep in mind that when Feyre was depressed, Rhys constantly tried to help. When Nesta was depressed, Feyre even admits rather than stepping in and doing something about it, she let it go on because she thought it would be fine. Everyone did. Cassian did that, Elain did that, even Amren somewhat. And maybe it would have been but we see it wasn't. I'm not going to argue about how wrong the entire "rehab" bit was, because that's not the point here.

In acosf we see Nesta deal with her inner demons. She reflects on her mother, who we can tell was somewhat emotionally abusive and definitely manipulative. Her grandmother was physically and verbally abusive. We hear her self doubt and we hear her tell Cassian she regrets what she did growing up in that cabin, she regrets how she treated Feyre, and she has no idea how to make it better. It is so much self hatred and it has morphed into something that forces her to lash out on people when they even slightly push. It's not healthy, but again, it's not abusive. Another issue is that besides Feyre and Cassian and Azriel, everyone else around her is NOT helping the situation. You can have your favs too but the fact is, Rhys constantly provokes and goads her. He has a grudge against Nesta and he has in writing admitted that he holds her to a higher standard than Elain. Mor tells her she wants to throw her into the Hewn City, a place known for brutalizing and abusing women. Amren calls her pathetic and a waste of space. This is a woman who is extremely depressed and on the verge of suicidal. None of these taunts and behaviors is kind and it probably does even more damage but we never hear anyone talk about that unless we bring it up in Nesta's defense.

I think there is another thing to account for. Feyre wants Nesta in her life. It is very different if Feyre said, you know what, I resent everything you did to me and I don't want you in my life. And I'll admit it, Feyre would be valid to do that. But she doesn't! That's a key fact. Feyre wants Nesta in her life, she wants this relationship intact. And by doing so, that means accepting that there will be days when Nesta will not be her best self, when she will lash out and say mean things in retaliation. It would be a very different story if Feyre went no contact. But it's not. And to be so hateful towards Nesta never really made sense to me since Feyre herself is her biggest advocate.

It is FEYRE, who stands by her sister when anyone tears her down. It is Feyre who tells Rhys off everytime he makes a snide comment and that's often. It is Feyre who explains to Cassian that she knows how much Nesta cares and how difficult it is for her to show her true feelings (this is Feyre giving not an excuse but an explanation for Nesta's behavior, something Nesta doesn't bother to do.) Feyre defends Nesta more than Nesta does for herself, because Nesta never does. I'd argue that Feyre loves Nesta more than Nesta loves herself. And even by the end of acosf it's not clear if Nesta has a good and healthy self love for herself but she most definitely loves Feyre very much.

One random thing that I see antis love to run with- Nesta didn't teach Feyre how to read. Nesta didn't know. She says that to Feyre, she's very surprised to learn this, and it's in writing. Now Feyre does say she didn't think Nesta would teach her, which also hurts but also surprises Nesta. Because she says no, we would have taught you why didn't you tell us. Because Nesta has not seen the damage she has done to Feyre with her words until they have these moments and talks. To Nesta, she was lashing out because she was so angry at their father for not doing more to keep them alive. And to be clear it did fall more on their father than any of the children. But I do believe that had Nesta realized how truly hurtful and damaging her words were to Feyre, she would have stopped. Each time Feyre admits something that affects her about Nesta's actions, Nesta mulls it over and is shocked. It shows compassion and objectivity towards herself. She sees an error in her ways and she tries her best to correct it.

Now onto the controversial reveal on Feyre's pregnancy. First things first, Rhys has no excuse to lie the way he did. None. And in our modern world, that is indeed considered spousal abuse. Now as to why Nesta said it- yeah, she does it for the wrong reasons. We hear it in her POV. She is so angry at Amren, she is so angry at everyone for lying to her and sitting around discussing her and then saying that she needs to be the respectful one. But, and this is so important, the minute she says it she instantly regrets it. She KNOWS she's fucked up. She hates that Feyre is crying and hurt and it's because of her. A truly abusive sister who's as cruel and heartless as everyone makes her out to be would have relished in the hurt she caused. But she doesn't. She just hates herself even more for what happened. And the fact that Rhys's threat doesn't even upset her, the fact that she is just so done and ready to die on that hike should tell you this is not someone who enjoys hurting anyone. Everything is aimed at hurting herself.

Antis like to say that Nesta saving Feyre and Nyx was the bare minimum. And sure. Yes. It is. But that's not the point. The point of that entire scene and end is that Nesta took from the Cauldron in anger and hate and vengeance for what was done to her. She stole it as a big fuck you to the Cauldron and everything else that forced her to turn Fae. And she fears that power and never touches it, never wants to actually use it, because she hates it. And yet, when Feyre is dying, Nesta is willing to do anything. She will use the power she fears to try and save her and most importantly, she willingly gives it back and says she will give it all back as long as Feyre is safe. The very thing she took out of anger and retribution, she will let that go. She will let it all go as long as she can keep Feyre alive. Is that not love? Is it not growth and healing?

I think one of the issues with SJM as a writer is sometimes she shows instead of telling. You need to do a lot of reading between the lines sometimes to understand her characters. Nesta especially because she is very much so an actions over words person and shes so rarely upfront with how she's feeling. And not just Nesta, we see this issue with Cassian too. Because they both do things to represent and signify love and honor and sacrifice yet their words can be jagged and mean and give off a different impression.

Just to reiterate, there's never been a time that Nesta has actively used her poor mental health to excuse and justify her words or actions. In fact, more often than not we hear more about how angry and hateful she is towards herself and how much she regrets her past. A true villain would offer excuses and justify what they've done. The most we ever get with Nesta is an explanation regarding her upbringing and trauma, and to clear it up, an explanation is not an excuse. Nesta never excuses her actions. When she's being honest with herself and her feelings she admits her errors, she admits to her shame, and she says she wants to do better and be better.

Another thing I think is important to remember is that SJM herself sees Nesta as a strong impactful character. She herself said in an interview, no, you aren't supposed to hate Nesta and she's quite surprised people do because after she re-evaluated her own writing during acotar, she realized Nesta is not the villain in this story. She's a hurt girl who's been through some horrible things and her life experiences have then impacted how she acts and reacts. SJM said sees herself in Nesta. She has denounced Tamlin as an abuser many times and would never put forward a main character with this much impact on the plot of this book and the Crescent City series if she thought otherwise.

This was super long but I'm happy you've tried to see it from another POV. I won't be getting into arguments with people who DM me or message unkindly on this post simply because I don't care. Acosf came out years ago and I'm no longer in the mood to engage with anyone who won't try and keep things civil in a conversation about fictional characters.

Have a good day!

[cross-d-a]

you know… now that I’m thinking about it. I think what makes The Acolyte feel so non-canon to me is that it really DOES seem like someone’s rpg or self-insert fic. Which isn’t inherently a bad thing!! Bc so much can be explored and analyzed and you can have SOO much FUN with those things!!! I guess my problem is that at the heart of it, The Acolyte doesn’t feel like it perfectly fits into the Star Wars canon. And this IS supposed to be canon, which is the Problem, for me. If this was a fic I’d have some questions but be mostly satisfied, because it’s just someone playing with the Star Wars canon and emphasizing the parts of it they like. I’d enjoy their take on it, even if I didn’t agree or it felt out of character for canon.

But again. This is Canon, and it doesn’t wholly feel like canon. It feels like someone who’s extremely passionate about Star Wars focused only on the things they cared about, and waved away certain parts of canon to support their own desired story.

Which is an issue because Star Wars is a Shared story. It’s a shared, beautiful universe that SO many people have had their hands in. And when you’re given the chance to dig your hands into it and shape something of your own, you can’t just think of your own wants. You have to think about the needs of the overall GFFA. It’s your responsibility to emulate the heart and soul of the universe that George Lucas created. You have to respect the already established canon and all the creators who have come before you and all the creators who will come after. That’s what creates a good, strong universe where everything informs and supports each other.

Not that the creators of The Acolyte don’t respect other SW creators, I just think they lost sight of the greater GFFA in the excitement of creating a uniquely placed story within an already established timeline.

I think Darth Plagueis’ appearance really brought this home for me, because after the initial shock of OMG ITS HIM!!!! I realized..Oh. So the creators are doing the fanfic kind of thing where you write in the blank holes to explain what happens in pre-established canon, but they’re doing it with an RPG flare. The creators have a very specific story they want to tell. And it’s this very specific storyline that they desperately want to fit into a very limited number of episodes that makes you realize: Oh. The plot is leading the characters instead of the characters pushing and informing the plot. It feels far less organic this way.

Like “Oh, we need to explain Darth Plagueis and how he led to Palpatine so we’re gonna fit some spunky characters in there to play out a very confined and specific storyline where we get to have some fun with things!!” Except it’s hard to have a successful story when you somehow both limit yourself and give yourself TOO much leeway. Because again, you need to respect ALL of established canon even when you don’t like it. And if you don’t like it, write it so it makes sense to you, write it so you can Explain it to yourself. I’ve done that with plenty of characters and canon plots, where I play with canon rules but expand it in a way that I’m satisfied with (I’ve come away from these fics liking characters I absolutely hated before!).

But I digress. I don’t really want to be negative about The Acolyte, because everyone involved with the obviously has a lot of love and passion for Star Wars, and there’s no way I can resent them for that. Because they did create something amazing and did a lot of super cool things and I did, overall, enjoy it (even if it broke my heart). All the actors were brilliant and I adore them. Every single person involved put so much hard work into it and I don’t want them to feel discouraged. And I really don’t want them getting any hate. They don’t deserve that. We saw what happened with Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen and Ahmed Best and I think it would be really fucking awful if that got repeated. No one’s mental health is worth a click-bait video or hate tweet. Absolutely no one.

So it’s with this in mind that I think the creators did their absolute best, but should have gotten more direction so they didn’t lose themselves in the process.

Ultimately, it’s an enjoyable show for me personally. They explore some cool concepts and I lost my mind over Plagueis. I just wish the characters had time to grow and feel Real. I wish the actors got more TIME with their characters, too, because they really put their hearts and souls into it. I wish it hadn’t felt like they were completely focused on explaining how the High Republic declined while Palpatine and the Empire rose to power. There’s ways you can do that in a story that feels like its wholly its own, rather than something borrowed, or feeling like you’re cramming your story into a very narrow space in the timeline hoping it’ll fit. And even though they clearly plan for a second season, I wish we’d had a much longer season, so we could feel more emotionally connected and involved with the characters and storyline. I wanted a story and characters that feel less contrived and more real and whole and like actual living, breathing people. Like a story I’m devastated I cannot change, because it DID actually happen a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

I have more specific thoughts about the portrayal of Jedi and Sith and the regular galactic citizen— because the use of perspective and bias and unreliable narration is actually SO incredibly fascinating and skillfully used in this show. Though I don’t necessarily approve of the corrupt Jedi storyline, because NO ONE should be blamed for their own genocide and it very much strays from the fact that the Jedi Order is based in Buddhism and not whatever Western religious (probably traumatized) perspective has informed The Acolyte and parts of the fandom. I’m not a fan of “edgy” takes just for the shock value or angst bc! again! please respect the canon as a whole. And there’s a way to handle the fall of the Jedi that both respects them and admits their faults and also!! Talks about!! How the relationship between the Republic and the Jedi warped through unreasonable obligations! And how the Sith were the downfall of the Jedi!! And how they PLAYED the Jedi!!! That’s what makes Palpatine so terrifying!!!!!!!!! But that’s a whole other post.

But I’ll leave it off here. In the end I hope they get green-lighted for a second season and that they learn from this first one. But I also hope they don’t come away from this discouraged and that ultimately it’s a good experience for them. For my part, I also hope I get to have some more favourite Jedi characters and that I get to spend a little longer time with them :’)

[m4dm4yhem]

Hey! Mind if I asked for a darker topic?,

S it okay if I request Gwen Stacy with gnc reader, but like...the suicide/self harm one, just like the rest of the spiders? I haven't seen any, but I liked your writing and wanted to see Gwen's,

It's okay if you don't want to, I understand<3

Have a good time

summary: gwen knew what she was getting into when she dated [name], they always had a issue with self harm and their mental health.. while it was a lot to take on, she was always there.. until.. she wasn’t.

a/n: tysm for the request & enjoying my writing! I’ll try my best to do this right, and if you ever feel like you have no one; just dm me and we can chat and become friends, while this is fictional work feelings like this are very real, if you need anything dm me; they’re open for anyone, of all ages. I am a judgement free blog, and if you ever need me to write something with your comfort character comforting you in particular ( not a reader but YOU) I will not hesitate to write something like that up for you as well, I hope you guys are all okay, drink water and make sure you stay healthy. but once again my reader will always be black, my apologies if someone reading this is not black, but a black reader is the only one I am able to do because I am black.

TW: self-harm, suicide, reader’s death, character death, suicidal thoughts, voices, hallucinations

__________________________________________________

GWEN LOVED BEING SPIDER-WOMAN…

it was a tough job, but it meant she could save people, ever since she had lost peter, she wanted nothing more than to save those she loved, those who cared about her.. whether that be gwen stacy or ghost spider.

gwen loved to save her partner the most. she knew she probably shouldn’t have a favorite person to save; but this was someone close to her, someone who understood her, someone she loved and who loved her.

and that person was [name], her partner.. while it could be draining once she got a second to herself, it was harsh and worrisome when she got calls from her partner.. letting her know they wouldn’t be at school for a week or two due to an attempt on their life, and they’d ended up in the mental hospital.

it was scary, learning when they relapsed and they came to her for help. it was a lot, but it wasn’t too much, it was never too much.. because when you love someone.. their problems become yours. their emotions become your own as well if you aren’t too careful.

___________________________________________________

a tear slipped down [name]’s cheek, the voices were acting up again. telling them they were not enough for their girlfriend.. whispering in their ears in the late of the night that they might as well kill themselves, the poor teen gripped on their hair, and yanked on it; dry curls from the weeks they went without wearing their bonnet and moisturizing their hair were left behind in their palms.

“ jesus.. I can’t do anything right, I can’t take care of my hair.. I can’t do basic hygiene.. “ [name] began; feeling the tears begin to well up in their eyes once more.

“ yes.. you’re worthless.. you can’t do anything.” the voices spoke in their head, mentions of being ‘ useless’, ‘ a burden’, as well as insults on their appearance being thrown around as well.

it wasn’t until the mention of gwen; is when the tears really started to roll..

“ why is she even still with you?”

“ all you do is burden her.”

“ the world would be better off without you..and she’d even be happier if you just killed yourself.”

[name] tried to fight the urge, -after the brain they hated so much began to overwhelm them with the thoughts of how much.. better gwen’s life would be if they just.. were not in it. - but.. the urge to grab the knife and slice their wrist.. where many scars already lay was strong. the need and desire to hurt themselves to give themselves a peace of mind.. to not burden her.. it was stronger than the small voice of gwen’s in the back of their mind..

“ if anything like this happens again, please call me.”

it rang in their head, the voice of their girlfriend begging them to call her if any suicidal thoughts popped up, if any hallucinations or voices were heard or seen. if anything was bothering them, gwen was always there to lend a helping hand.. but whenever she needed anything.. they were always in the hospital, always there because they had made an attempt on their life.

the voices rang loud, they were overwhelming.. and it felt like they couldn’t even control their body as they hurried to the kitchen from their bedroom, and grabbed the sharpest knife that was available; hurrying to push their sleeve up, dragging the blade across their skin, small slits that were slowly dripping blood, their body shook, eyes closing; they couldn’t keep a steady hand. the knife was pressed against their wrist, and it was dragged across.. hitting a vein.

[name] open their eyes, and was met with a white slit against their dark skin, eyes widening. they knew what that meant.

the blood came next, “ oh shit.” they mumbled; trying to find a cloth, the blood was rushing quickly. the only thing they found was a sponge, pressing it against their arm. hurrying back upstairs to call the first person that came to mind, their girlfriend.

___________________________________________________

“ - okay, that doesn’t mean-“ gwen stopped for a moment, she was in the middle of a fight with a villain, “ wait.. hang on.” she sheepishly spoke as she pulled out her phone, picking up the phone “ hey.. honey, I’m kinda.. in the middle of-“

“ gwen.. gwen.. I’m sorry, but I need you right now.. I relapsed and.. I-…I’m bleeding bad, I can’t stop it.” [name]’s voice was full of distress, it was full of cracks and they couldn’t stop crying, gwen could hear the sobs

“ what?!” her voice was loud, worrying dripping from her lips, she turned to face the villain and then looked at her phone. “ sorry.. sorry.” she spoke multiple times, “ what?! fight me spiderwoman!” the villain had yelled, obviously offended from her words. gwen didn’t say much else, but just swung away, using her webs to swing her as quickly as possible to her lover’s house, keeping them on the phone. “ i’m here.. i’m here..” the panic in her voice was obvious as she tried to comfort her sobbing lover, who couldn’t stop apologizing, “ did you call the police?” gwen was just hoping an ambulance would be there when she arrived as well

“ no..i just.. I panicked and called you first.”

‘oh no..no.. no!’ gwen’s thoughts were running crazy, and her vision was starting to get blurry, “ hang on.. ima call you back.. I’m gonna call an ambulance first.” gwen’s voice was soft, and the last ten seconds of the call was her reassuring her partner that they’d be okay, that it was only a few moments they’d be apart before she dialed 911, telling the operator that her partner had cut themselves too deep and needed medical attention. the operator kept her on longer than she originally thought; giving the operator [name]’s address, to send a ambulance, the operator kept asking questions but gwen wasn’t in the right mind to answer them, so she avoided them by hanging up.

when she had finally made it to [name]’s window, her heart dropped, seeing her lover in a pool of their own blood.. shook her to her very core. it was something she would never forget.

“ h-hey…hey!” her eyes were wide, and she couldn’t think straight at that very moment. she quickly pulled the window open and hurried inside, “ [name]!” she quickly pulled her mask off, her blue eyes staring at her lover, gwen rushed to their side, giving them a few quick shakes to see if they were still alive.

they weren’t.

gwen had tried to cup their cheek, the body was still warm but the look in their eyes told gwen all she needed to know, “ oh my god..” she muttered, “ no.. no..” her blue eyes stared into [name]’s. seeing how dull and lifeless they looked, she should’ve been there..

she should’ve been with them, to help them through this.. god why did that stupid villain have to decide to rob that store.. was he even a villain? more or so just a criminal? why was she thinking about this now?

just.. why.

why.

why

___________________________________________________

it was at this time that gwen thought about the song IFHY.. by tyler the creator, not because the song related to her, it didn’t. but the line

“ life without you has no goddamn meaning.”

made her think about every second she had spent with her partner, and discovering their dead body was a lot, it hurt. her mind, body, and soul were affected from their death. she took a deep breath as she looked over New York, it didn’t make any sense to her.. why [name] wasn’t next to her. it would’ve made sense if they lived, they would be in the hospital by now, getting treated for their mental health.. but, they were sitting alone. somewhere, their body cold, she’d never get to hold them again, never would get to kiss them again.

she’d never..

unless.

she looked down at the drop to the ground, it’d be enough to kill her right..?

the thought was enough to shock her, she was never one to think about ending her life, these feelings were so heavy, and it hurt.. but.. she missed [name]..

she stood up, standing at the edge of the building

“ hey gwen.. i love you..c’mere”

“ you’re so funny.. c’mere.. I wanna cuddle”

“ gwen.. can you come over?”

“ come on.. give me a kiss..”

every single time.. her lover had wanted her to come closer to them, whether that be for a hug.. a kiss.. or just to be close together.. and sit in silence ran through her head, it was like.. the voice in her head.. of her dead partner was beckoning her to come to them? should she do it?

she missed [name]..

she missed them so much

but the thought of all her friends back at HQ.. her dad..

but the pain was too much for her.. she just wanted it to end.. she already went through enough.

maybe she’d also see her mother again?

her mother.. and [name].. she missed them.

too much..

she missed them too much not to..

she took a deep breath, deciding she’d actually do it..

she closed her eyes, swallowing any anxiety she had..

it was quite ironic to her, every other gwen stacy variant had died by falling to their death after falling in love with spiderman.. and she had tried so hard to never become the next dead gwen stacy. but here she was.. jumping off the building, letting her body fall.. with a smile on her face, tears fell out of her eyes.. a feeling of anxiety in her stomach.. and fear.. but peace as well…

she didn’t even feel herself hit the ground, but anyone who fell victim to the witness of a teenage girl taking her life knew.. she wasn’t alive, she couldn’t be, not after that ten story drop…

she was gone

[heartilywrites]

Helloooo <3

Can I request a Korra x f! firebender reader oneshot where they're already dating and having a tickle fight? Just cute wholesome fluff <33

Have a good day and thank you!! 💗

،، 𝓢ummer Nights ; Korra

request guide | masterlist

resume: just another normal night with your girlfriend.

content warning: pure domestic and fluff ; Korra x fem!reader ; r is a firebender !! ; no use of y/n

wc: 1.1k

a/n: HI <3 im sorry im taking so long with the requests, im getting stuck everytime i try to write:( but i got yours !!! love me some fluff fics for korra <3 tbh i don't really remember if the avatar could regulate body temperature at will, but for the sake of my mental health let's say they can– HOPE YOU ENJOY, THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING:D

“ She knows she's in control. Turns the heat up, then she lets me go.

A sigh of relief left your mouth after coming through the door and take off your shoes.

That day had been the most busy in the whole month, you were running everywhere and doing multiple tasks asked by your boss that by the time it was clock out you and a couple more of your coworkers could barely stand.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “That bad of a day, huh?” you heard your girlfriend's voice, a small giggle left your mouth. Korra appeared on your visual field smiling big, that same smile you loved to see on her, a small kiss was exchanged. “Hello, gorgeous, how are you?”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Ugh, I feel like I could sleep on my feet.” was answered, both of your arms looked to hug her by the neck. “But I'm so happy to finally see you.”

The avatar's hands rested on your waist and pulled you closer to her, smiling again. “Yeah, you look bad.” she said in a joking manner, you rolled your eyes with a smirk. “I made dinner, fire lady, let's go eat.”

You loved how after a hard day, you could come home to Korra. A couple months before your first year anniversary, you had proposed to her the idea of moving together when she spent almost all week with you. It was the best idea you could've had, she always got home before you and most of the times she was waiting for you with either the dinner made or a gift. The times she usually get home late was when a mission or important task would extend, but she would always call the land-line and tell you that she would be late, they were keeping her captive against her will and how she was so close to escape just to be by your side, you always laugh and tell her to be careful, that you would wait her.

But your favorite thing to do with the other would one hundred percent be snuggle; when winter comes along, Korra loved to cuddle up to you even if she was able to keep her warmth to avoid freezing, she always looked for your warmth better since that meant being as close as humanly possible to you and if you love your personal space, Korra loved it more.

However there was the other two seasons where the absence of cold air was notorious and that was summer and spring. When summer showed its heated ambience in the city, you two usually slept in either light pijamas or directly in underwear, the air-conditioning would be on a perfect number for you two and Korra used to have low body temperature at will.

That night was the hottest summer night by far, so you two were laying down, still to not feel the warmth. But for you it was a bit more difficult, since being a firebender meant having a warmth to hot body temperature. It did had its perks, but you hated to feel warm when the air was also warm.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Hey, human torch, I can feel your hotness here.” your girlfriend said, holding back a laugh. You turned to her with an offended grimace accompanied by a smile.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Well, excuse me, miss 'I can regulate my body temperature at will', some of us have only known feeling warm.” you defended yourself, now she did laugh shaking her head.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Keep your hot self on your side of the bed.” she poked your arms, now you giggled.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “What if I don't want to, chief?” your head turned to her with a raised eyebrow.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “I won't have another option than use the whole force of justice on you.” she said back, raising an eyebrow your way.

With a mischievous smile you took a deep breath in and when you were about to exhale, a small flame came out your mouth. You were doing fire breathing to raise your temperature. Korra's mouth opened a little bit at her sight of you.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Listen, that was hot both literally and figuratively,” she confessed making you laugh again. “But you just challenged me and this deserves my vengeance.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Yeah? What are you going to do?” you asked; not even a second later, the avatar was on top of you, pinning you to the mattress by sitting on your waist and her hands started to tickle you on your sides.

Korra knew exactly what your great weakness was, it wasn’t any blind spot nor weak attack: you were so ticklish to any touch on your sides.

The room filled with loud laughs coming from you while she smiled big, she adored the way you laughed even if it was by tickles. Under her body, Korra saw how you were twisting by laughter, your hands tried to stopped her without any success since you were weak by the whole commotion.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Say you surrender!” she exclaimed loud enough for you to hear.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “N–No! Stop it!” you screamed back, your hands were able to catch her wrists, but that was it.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Surrender and I'll let you go!” Korra tried one more time, your eyes were tearing up already and your head started to hurt.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Fine! I... I surrender!” you finally said, she continued a moment more and it was sudden calm after that.

Your head and stomach hurt by all the laughs, your hands cleaned the tears on your cheeks and eyes. Taking deep breaths in to make up for the air that you couldn’t take well by the laugh, your eyes looked up to your girlfriend who was smiling with satisfaction.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “That was intense, dear spirits,” hoarsely, you took her hands to tangle your fingers together. “I thought I was going to pee myself.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “See? Next time consider your consequences.” she said giggling. Korra got closer to you, still on top. “You look beautiful underneath me.” a soft kiss was left on your lips, one of your hands rested on her cheek.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Don't try to distract me now with your flirting and horniness, I will get back at you for this.” you whispered on her lips with a seductive tone, her smile dropped. “Let's go to sleep, shall we? I'll let you have tonight.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “We should talk about this in the morning,” she tried to convince you while getting off you and hug your body to be the little spoon, you giggled while accomodating yourself on her arms to sleep. “I don’t think there's need for you to do anything, my love.”

[rosesnbooks]

Astrology observations #3

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

-i think it is not difficult to spot someone with scorpio placements/8th house in the big 6 (not that much in the sun tho). their energy appears darker, even when they have more "light-hearted" placements in the chart.

-pisces and leo can get along pretty well, the leo can get pisces out of their shell, and pisces can help them to relax and embrace their strong emotions

-people with scorpio+libra placements are irrestistible to others. they are charming, beautiful and mysterious.

-virgos have a way with words, they are very gifted and super smart. writing down their thoughts and feelings (bonus points if they use other creative outlets to do so) is so helpful for their mental health

-gemini placements can notice someone fake really quickly. i've noticed the same for pisces. geminis tend to really analyze these people, while pisces listen to their gut that is rarely wrong. i know it may sound ironic since many people state geminis are fake, but i disagree with them

-as they get older, sagittarius moons become more interested in spirituality and learning about other cultures; even when these themes are irrelevant to them when they're very young

-virgo stelliums love the color green, a lot!

-i have noticed that some people tend to hate a zodiac sign that is their own moon sign (they're often not aware of this/not familiar with astrology) for example, i know a scorpio sun with leo moon that dislikes leos, and a virgo sun with taurus moon that dislikes taurus people

-as a gemini rising, i do sometimes feel like there's so many different sides of me i present to the public, but that's mostly because i can only be my true self around the people i like, and i also absorb some behavior from the people i adore (even speech, unintentionally)

-taurus/2nd house mercuries have strong opinions on things, especially those that are very important to them. they also dislike people who are not trustworthy and direct

-taurus and cancer placements love food and cooking. when they cook, they put love into it and they like to prepare meals for people they love. they want to give others the comfort they seek themselves. they dislike cooking for people who don't appreciate their effort

-mars in leo can be really good with kids. especially if they also have earth placements, they are nurturing, creative and responsible which is the best combo

-venus in virgo/6th house won't enter a relationship with just anyone, they have their standards

-venus in the 11th really do dream about falling in love with their best friend, they wouldn't have it any other way

-a lot of sister signs can get along, but there is something about pisces and virgo that cannot be described (yet i will proceed to try) they have so much understanding for each other and it feels like they complete each other. pisces help them to dream big and accept their emotions (and to be less harsh on themselves), and virgos help pisces to stay firmly on the ground and achieve their goals

-saturn in the 4th house can have very dramatic and difficult experiences with their family. their parents weren't easy to get along with, and they never taught them how to be emotionally vulnerable and mature. they have the pressure to build a family of their own as well, but they struggle with this. however, this doesn't mean that they are doomed, many people can work on themselves and not make their parents' mistakes.

-saturn in the 6th need to be careful not to work too much. especially if they love what they do, they shouldn't spend 24/7 thinking about work, and should start taking care of themselves and nourish their interests/hobbies

-leo moons are said to be creative for a reason. they want to explore so many things and master all of them, or at least reach a level they can be proud of. art can be in their little finger, but they shouldn't be too hard on themselves when they don't reach their own expectations

-capricorn risings have conventionally beautiful characteristics. some also seem authoritative, so people don't want to mess with them and assume they're very serious. also, people often mistake them for scorpios

-uranus in the 1st in one's chart may indicate that this person needs a lot of freedom and they want to have control over everything in their life. they want to be in the spotlight, but they are sometimes scared that people would judge them. they feel different than others and they want to fit in, so that they can achieve their goals. they need to accept their eccentric side and surround themselves with people who appreciate them.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

[didishawn]

Hey bestie!!!! Your works are chef kiss 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼 uhm I was wondering if you can write angst w Ferran? Idk like there's an argument n he says something hurtful?? Miss ma'am tbh I have no clue what im requesting😭😭 all ik is that I'd like some angst ending in fluff pls??? N ur writing is amazing so 🤌🏼

Broken souls (Ferran x Reader)

Warnings: angsty with happy ending, mentions of Ferran's insecurities and mental health, mentions of the internet being assholes, Sira mention (not in a truly bad way as the girl is amazing)

Masterlist

You know Ferran adores Barça and loves playing in it, it's where his best friends play and 9ne the best club's out there, but sometimes you can't help but wonder if things would be better had he stayed in Manchester City.

Words can bring down even the happiest of people, that person who everyone knows to be the nicest, the funniest, being broken by people on the Internet feeling the need to comment on all his flaws and creating insecurities.

It's terrible for anyone, brings them down, worsens their mental health and makes them sometimes not be themselves.

Your boyfriend, you know is broken, as months pass by he becomes even more of a shell of his true self, he might pretend everything is alright out there, but you know it isn't.

He overworks himself, training hours not enough for him, locking himself in the gym or using the goalie on your backyard to practice until late night hours, then waking up even before the sun rises.

You know he is exhausted, but he refuses to stop, you are worried about what will happen to him, you have told him so multiple times, and the screaming match you both are having right now is a repetition, already happened.

"I just told you to please come to bed, I don't think there is nothing wrong with it!" you shout at him, trying to get your words through that thick head of his, he shakes his head, a smile that is not truthful, almost cruel.

"You don't fucking understand, don't you? How can I go to bed when I fucking suck! Its almost as if you have fun seeing how terrible I am!"

"How can you say that? You know I am your biggest supporter! I just think you should also keep in mind to take care of yourself!"

He gives a dry laugh, face to face with you as he glares down at you, you are not afraid though, you know he would never hurt you -at least not with his hands that he furiously moves around and points at you.

"Really? Because I think you enjoy it, having all culers hating on me, maybe you like that I have no one by my side to have me all for yourself! Always so fucking clingy" he sighs "Sira understood..."

You both tense, his eyes snap into yours, apologetic, trying to reach out for you.

"Love, I'm-"

"Fuck you, Ferran. If Sira was so much better then she can take care of you so you don't fucking die from exhaustion" you are in tears "I fucking care for you and you just treat me as if I was a parasite, someone you don't actually love, maybe you didn't want a girlfriend -at least not me as its obvious you did want Sira, you wanted someone to keep your house clean and all that shit so meanwhile you repay me like this"

You walk away from his, you don't let him grab you a she wants, picking up your purse and intentionally leaving the house keys behind. You stop, see the promise ring on your finger, and go to take it off, his hands stop you.

"Please, amor, don't do that I promise I will try to do better, ok? You are right, I am sorry for treating you like shit, I promise I will listen to what you say"

You laugh "Only when you are about to lose me do you react, how can I believe your words for a second if maybe this conversation will repeat itself in a week"

"It won't, ok? I swear, y/n, I will do my best so there is no repetition on this, I want you, I love you, I won't be able to do this without you. I know I am an asshole, bit the one good thing I have is you and I will make sure to always remind it"

You think it over for a second, dropping your purse you let his arms wrap around you, taking a moment in them, you then go on to whisper.

"You are still sleeping on the couch after that Sira comment"

"Totally worth it if you stay"

[missmielyhoran]

Little Freak

in which Autumn likes her twin brother's best friend, and maybe he likes her too...

(BBF!Harry × reader)

A/N- This is my depressive episode writing, so if it's sad, you know why

[Warning- Angsty, dad went to bring milk, daddy issues, unrequited love?, Harry being his usual fuck boy flirt, depression, anxiety, shitty mental health, mention self harm, body dysmorphia, eating disorder]

Masterlist

*****

Yellow.

A color usually associated with happiness, sunshine, and youth is also a color of jealousy, envy, and deceit.

Sometimes, you felt like yellow.

A sunshine, happy next-door girl who everyone loved, had loads of friends but also a girl who feels gloomy, insecure, and cowardly inside.

He wasn't yellow. No, he was green. Color of nature, safe and happiness, but also jealousy, evil, and envy.

Harry Styles was neither bad nor good.

He was a charming, good-looking boy. He knew that everyone knew that. He was a great friend to have, would let you copy off his homework, let you smoke his weed when you're sad, and would even skip classes with you.

But you got to hate yourself if you ever fall in love with him.

You stood in front of your bathroom mirror, which was a rare occasion, but it was a rare occasion considering your mom had invited her boyfriend over to meet you and your brother and somehow your looking good was important.

Asher didn't care. If he could move in next door into Styles Family, he would. Mentally, you think he already had.

You did though.

Your mom was happy in a very long time, and you were happy for her. It was hard when your dad just up and left one night, and it was especially hard on her, but she kept herself together for you and your brother. Now she was living for herself, and you were happy for her.

You put your half of your hair up in a pigtails and then made a bubble braid out of it, your bangs you recently cut by yourself after a mental breakdown turned out kind of nice considering your eye were blurry from tears. You put on a oversize tshirt which you think would be oversized on your brother also from how wide it was and some baggs jeans and called it a day.

You deliberately went downstairs, knowing your mum will be mad for wearing something like this and not something nice.

"Sweet Jesus Autumn. Have I not bought you good clothes?" Your mum asked standing in kitchen with her hands on her hips.

"Asher is literally wearing tanktop right now," you pointed at your brother. Your mother's face twisted in borderline anger and digust and to be honest you were a bit too cause that tanktop looked like cumrag.

"Asher Bree, you have five minutes to go upstairs and get dressed." Your mum warned your brother who just chuckled. She held up her finger, counting one, two, and no one ever knew what happened after three cause he ran upstairs to his room.

You smiled and started helping your mum by setting up the table. Soft tunes from the radio were filling the room, and you and your mom hummed to the music. The main door opened, and your brother's girlfriend walked in, her blonde hair up in bun, dressed in a pretty dress.

Sometimes, you wondered if you could ever look like her. She would always tell you that it was nonsense and that you were way prettier than her, but you knew it was a lie.

"Hey, kid." She smiled at you and gave your mum a hug, passing her the Tupperware she had in her hand, "I will go see him" She said smiling.

"Yes, please dress him in something other than a tanktop and sweatpants." You mum groaned, making both you and Imani laugh.

You were back in the flow with your mum when Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac started playing. Your mum walked towards you, taking your hand in hers, and twirled you around in the kitchen.

For a second the world looked warm, soft, comforting like sunshine after a long cold winter first touches the thin layer of ice on grass then the door opened, you heard the distinct laugh and the world got a bit more warmer.

You turned around and saw Harry laughing with your brother, who was now dressed in a black shirt and loose jeans counterpart to Harry, who was in grey sweats and a band tee.

"Hey Otter," Harry teased, and your face flushed like always. It seemed like a drop of attention from him made you blush like a pre-teen girl.

"Hey Har," you greeted back. He gave you a smirk and got back to talking to your brother. The world around you seemed like sunshine and glitters. All you needed was a hint of his attention.

Maybe that should have been the first red flag, a single person being the sole reason for your happiness.

You got back to helping your mum when you heard the footsteps going upstairs. Harry was getting dragged up by your brother. You felt a bit sad knowing you wouldn't see him for hours now, at least not until Josh comes.

You were about to remove your eyes when he looked back and shot you a smile over his shoulder. A swarm of butterflies erupted your stomach, heart, everywhere, turning your brain to mush.

Imani, from beside you, nudged her shoulder with yours teasing you, obviously catching the little interaction. She was the only one who knew about your little (huge) crush on Harry. It was pathetic honestly, how a small thing like friendly hi and smile made you react like a mad woman.

*****

Josh was sweet, mostly cause he brought you your chocolates. Childish? maybe, but you loved chocolates, but god, he cracked some bad jokes, and your mum still laughed loudest like it was the funniest thing ever.

"His jokes are worse than mine." You heard him whisper near your ear, his breath causing goosebumps to erupt on your neck, traveling down to your whole body.

"Are they?" You teased keeping your eyes in front, but you could feel his on you for a second, like a flewting moment it was there, then it wasn't.

"My jokes are far better, Otter," He said back with pride. You laughed behind your hand. Everyone else on the table didn't notice your little interaction cause they emerged in their own, and you were thankful for that.

"Like the hola hoop one." You let out a breathy chuckle and looked at him beside you. He smiled and shook his head.

"You're mean Otter and Otters are not supposed to be mean they're cute." He flicked your nose and got back into the conversation with your others. Meanwhile, you sat there eyes wide staring at him. Your body was feeling like you were on cloud, flying on them over them under them.

Did he just flirted with you?

There have been multiple times he had talked to you but calling you cute? the tension? that had to be flirting. With giddy insides, you ate your dinner for the first time. You want to run around and squeal in happiness, but you contain yourself.

"So I wanted to ask you both something," your mum says suddenly, clearing her throat.

Both you and your brother looked up at her, waiting for her to continue. She looked beside her at Josh and then raised her eyebrows.

"You're not pregnant are you?" Your brother speaks first and you almost choke on your pasta. You start coughing and feel a large hand rubbing your back up and down. Your face grows red as you look up at Harry and give him a smile.

"What? No!" Your mum looks at your brother like he had two heads while he just shrugs and sits back.

"I was going to ask if you would like Josh moving in with us," She asks, shaking her head at Asher's bluntness.

"I don't mind," you speak first. Josh was a nice guy, even though this was first time you guys have officially sat down and met you have seen him around, exchanged casual hellos and what not and apart from his knees man didn't have one bad bone in his body.

"Me too. I like Josh he makes nice smoothies, " your brother said with his mouth full of food. You and your mum both roll their eyes while Josh laughs and promises to make him smoothies every day.

*****

Dinner went by nicely, and soon enough, Josh was on his way home. You cleaned all the plates and put them in the dishwasher while Asher cleaned the table and kitchen. Harry had gone back to your brother's room upstairs. You could hear the faint laughter of him and Imani and the sound of a video game going on.

Your brother walked in the kitchen after cleaning the table and sat up on the kitchen counter. He sighed loudly, trying to get your attention, which worked as you looked at him over your shoulder with raised eyebrows.

"Do you like Josh?" He whispers so mum couldn't hear. You closed the door of dishwasher and turned to him and leaned back on the counter.

"He's not bad." You shrugged, "I thought you liked him with all that smoothies, and what not. " You crooked an eyebrow at him teasing him.

"He does make good smoothie!" He said with nodding his head like he could taste it. You laughed and shook your head at his absurdity making him laigh also, "I just don't want what happened with Dad to happen again" He sighed and you did too.

It wasn't like you two were very young when it happened to have a hazy memory. No, you were 10, almost 11. The memory of your mum calling police department and every family member scared of not knowing where your dad left at night was still in front of both of our minds. It went on like that for two months. You and Asher saw your mum go down the rails and drink her mind off. She would never let you know that something was wrong. It was still Saturday pancakes and sunday pizza. It was still friday movie nights, but you could see the smile not reaching her eyes anymore.

She found your dad's new facebook account by accident one day and saw him living his life happily with his new girlfriend in Houston. it was hard, but it was also easy cause all of you were together. That doesn't mean you want to see your mum like that again.

"I don't think so. Surprisingly enough, I trust Josh." You gave your brother a smile while he scrunched up his face. It was no brainer that your dad leaving hurt him the most. They were best friends, doing everything together, going fishing, shopping, anything. You sometimes felt jealous of him getting your dad's affection more, but you had your mum. So, when dad left, it scarred him badly. Not only did he now have trouble trusting people, but he also became overprotective of both you and your mum but especially you.

You would say he was a typical overprotective brother, but it was more than that. It was primal instinct of not wanting to see you get hurt the same way you mum did.

"C'mon cut poor guy some slacks," you said, patting his back while he just rolled his eyes and flipped you off, which you answered back same.

You went up to your room and changed out of clothes. You put on your ratty old t-shirt you didn't know was your or Asher's and some basketball shorts, which were Asher's.

You put your hair in a braid and laid back in bed comfortably. You had a good day in a very long time. Yeah, it was gloomy a bit, but which day wasn't? As long as it was better than others and you didn't go down in the dark path of your mind, it was okay.

You had just gotten settled with your book when you heard Asher yell your name from his room. At first, you decided to ignore it. It was probably some dumb thing like calling you to switch off his lights or fetch him some water cause his bed was warm and he didn't want to leave the comfort. Then he yelled again and again, and you gave up.

You stomped towards his room groaning cause now you had to leave your warm bed for that little shit who could do his own work.

"What is it ya little shit?" You asked in an annoyed tone. He only rolled his eyes, "Call me that again turd face, and you will be grounded for a week," He said, and you huffed, knowing it was true.

"Anyways c'mere and sit on Harry's back" He said like it was a no big deal. You jaw hunged like a comic character looking between Harry who was laying on gound on his back beside your brother.

"Pardon me?" You said in disbelieve and huffed out a breathy chuckle.

"Pardon me," Asher mocked, "Get your little Shakespeare ass on his back. I want to see who can do more push-ups," He said, looking at Harry competitively, who just smirked up at him.

Both Asher and Harry were good looking everyone knew that even they. As much as it pained you, your brother did get the beauty which was annoying cause you two were twins. Harry and Asher both were of same height, built body with muscles and in same basketball team which your brother was captain of.

In school, you and your brother both were popular. The difference was that you were popular for your smartness and good grades, and Asher for his looks and being the captain, but Harry was both. He was a good player, good-looking and good in studies.

You blushed and walked in more inside the room, closing the door behind you. Harry finally looked at you for a second like he always does. It's always a fleeting look, making you wonder if he actually wanted to look or if you were just in his line of vision.

You sat down beside him, considering Asher was sitting near his bed with Imani on his lap, and Harry was lying down near him towards the door. Your hand fiddled with the end of your basketball shorts while Harry and Asher bicker about who would win.

Harry finally rolled onto his stomach and supported himself up on his elbows. He looked at you sideways, "Hop on Otter. Gotta show your brother we're best." He smirked, and your brother rolled his eyes booing from his place

We. He said we. We were perfect. You screamed internally. Whoever's face you saw when you first woke up that day and let you have this beautiful day you would probably see it every day.

You gently sat yourself on his back, which was sturdy as fuck. You put your hand down to cross your legs up when you felt his back muscles, contracting and twitching from your movement. You gripped his shoulder for balance, which again felt so sturdy and muscular.

You knew he was built. You have seen him in revealing tanktops and sometimes even shirtless when it's pool day, and it always leaves you hot and bothered, and it was never because of summer heat.

You were so busy in your daydreaming of his shirtless body that you missed the countdown, and he abruptly went down, which made you shriek and giggle. Under you, you felt Harry's shoulder and back rumble a bit. He was also laughing with you.

Imani was the same on your brother's back. She had more experience, which you really didn't want to think about. There have been many things you have walked in on you wished with all your breath you could wipe away.

You kept a strong grip on Harry's shoulder cause one, you were scared you were going to fall, and second, you didn't know if you would ever get the opportunity to hold him and feel his muscles like this again.

They probably did thirty push ups when your brother lost his balance and fell down, and in return, Harry also stopped without telling you which had you stumbling down beside him on the floor.

You shrieked again and rolled onto your side holding your stomach laughing. Your brother was also laughing with Imani sitting with him as back support.

Harry was sweaty all of you were. His hair sticked to his forehead, and some fanned on the floor like halo. His face had a flush from the workout and a dimpled smile on his face. He gave you a sideways glance and shook his head chuckling.

You were also sweaty, hot, and flushed, but for some completely other reasons, along with the summer heat.

"I won," Asher declared to which Imani swatted his chest. "What? I did an extra push-up than him. " He defended his case.

"Yeah, well, I had extra weight asshole give me my money," Harry said out of blue. You didn't know if he noticed or not. Your brother certainly didn't. You sat up straight and tugged down your already long t-shirt as if it would cover you up.

They were arguing now. It was playful, you could tell. A smile was evident on all three of their faces, but yours was wiped clean like a slate. You stood up and went to your room without being noticed by anyone.

Extra weight.

Those two words rang in your ears as you shut the door behind you. Were you really that heavy? Of course you were, and of course, he noticed it.

You tried so hard to make yourself look pretty, skinny, like other girls, but you could never be. Your thighs were chubby. Your lower tummy won't go in no matter how much you don't eat or work out.

You hated your body, yourself, and you had marks to prove it. There was not a sight of mirror in your room, except the one in the bathroom, which stays covered 90% of the time cause last time you saw yourself, you had a full-blown mental breakdown.

You dared to pull your t-shirt up a bit, curious yo see how your body looked. Shockingly enough, you had forgotten what it looked like, but before you could look down, your bedroom door pushed open. You hurriedly pulled your t-shirt down, scared that it was your mom or Asher and you had to explain now, but it wasn't.

It was Harry.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I should have knocked," he spoke, his hand covering his eyes. You were still in flight and fright mode, thinking he saw your marks, but then you realized he thought you were changing clothes and you sighed in relief.

"It's okay," you said, and he peeked through between his fingers and then removed his hand.

"I- um" He itched the back of his head, "After you left I kind of realized what I said" He cleared his throat, "It was dick of me to make joke like that- um- sorry?" He scrunched his nose.

The last bit came off as a question, but you didn't care. There he was, your brother's cute best friend you always had crush on apologizing. Was it bare minimum? lower than that, your bar was in Satan's ass. But you have never gotten it. No, boys always made fun of you or even girls subtly hinting at you eating a bit much or you gaining weight, and none of them ever apologized once.

You didn't know if it was cause he was standing few inches away from you and you could see his eyes shining from the moonlight or if it was the whole day of giggly flirting or the feelings you had for him whatever it was it made you make that stupid decision.

Before you could think and second guess the act, you stood on your tippy toes and pressed your lips on his.

It was like electricity, like they write in poems and books. Your hand was on his shoulder his holding your elbows. It was quick, and at first, he reciprocated the kiss. For a quick second, his lips were moving with yours, but then it stopped.

It was no more than thirty to forty seconds going by you realized what you have done and that Harry was literally rigid in front of you. Before you could pull back, Harry pushed you with his hands gripping your shoulder.

His eyes were wide, and so you were yours. Horror, pain, sadness, and panic all ran through your body at the same time. He didn't like you like that. All the flirting all the signs were just you in your brain, taking his friendliness for something else, and now you have ruined a good friendship.

You opened your mouth to apologize to say anything, but before that could happen, Harry stormed out of your room, shutting door loudly behind him.

*****

If you suffer from any trauma, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, anxiety, etc, please seek help or talk to your friends/loved ones about it. There are many people who are willing to listen to you, and that includes me also. I'm here whole day much willing to hear you.

I love you, stay hydrated, love yourself and others♡

You can talk to me here♡ REQUEST ARE CLOSED

Taglist- @tiaamberxx @harryspirate

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas, it's smol anon again :)

thank you so much for your last reply. it was really helpful. i really struggle with demonstrating affection but i'll try my best x

writing back to say that recently the friend i mentioned, Si, and I seem to be in a kind of cycle. they start ignoring me for whatever reason, and that really hurts because i blame myself. either they're a bad person for treating me awfully or i'm a bad person for making them hate me. i'd rather the latter any day (i don't really have a very great self-esteem and i'm really struggling to do anything about that either). but they just give me furtive glances or pointed silences and sometimes we do talk but it feels so fake and put on. of my current friends, I've known Si the longest, and we know how to pretend we're fine cos we're both masters of masking. but that's not a good thing, i know.

the first time this happened was in september. we'd had an argument the week before and they'd brought up the "second best" thing (before your advice, obviously) and i'd been really emotionally overloaded at the time and told them how much that hurt me to hear. so then Si thought i hated them and i thought they hated me and that just all spiralled. eventually i got them to talk to me, and we talked it through and then we were great for a while, but then it happened again, we were fine, happened again, you get the idea.

most recently, i hadn't seen/heard from them all week cos they'd been ill, and they didn't message me at all, whereas they had a whole conversation with my other friend E. i'm gonna admit, i'm quite a jealous person so that upset me a lot. but i tried to talk about them and they first had a panic attack (which i felt awful about btw), then tried to explain how they didn't think they were ignoring me (which i hated cos it felt like they were saying i was making up - and if i am, i'm awful, and if i'm not, that's awful to hear), and then just moved on as though the conversation didn't happen at all.

and i don't want to keep doing this. falling out, making up, falling out, making up but the whole time pretending everything's fine because it's not. it's fucking not. their mental health is awful and mine is scarcely better and i need them like they're my lungs and i'm so sick and tired of pretending everything's fine. i'm falling apart but i can't go to them because they're part of the reason, and i want to be honest, to talk it through, but i can't be honest if they're going to have panic attacks when i do. i know it's really hard for them to reach out, or to be honest about their feelings, and they're afraid of confrontation. but i don't want to keep doing this.

Si has this thing where they're super afraid of saying/doing the wrong thing and they always jump to conclusions and think everyone hates them. and i get why, because everyone always told them that when they were growing up and it became ingrained in their mind and i don't know what to do about that. but it's no longer just affecting them. they've dropped out of conversations. they've stopped messaging me. they keep doing this cycle where they ignore me. and they say it's so they don't say/do anything wrong, but i wouldn't judge them if they did. not doing anything makes me feel so much worse. i don't know how to make them see that.

sometimes i can be really understanding about this. i get how much they're struggling, and i try my best to be considerate and patient and always caring because i love them and i don't want to lose them. but i'm just been so tired and stressed recently cos i have a bunch of other things going on too and i'm just getting so frustrated. with the situation, with myself, with Si too and i hate that cos i hate getting mad at Si, especially when they can't really help it. i'm just so lost and i want my little sibling back (that's what they are to me, we're that close). sorry for such a long rant, and thank you cas for always being such a wonderful person, for being able to listen to people like me, and for letting your inbox be somewhere where i can be honest and get my thoughts down so much better than elsewhere 💕

yours truly, smol anon

Hi!

Your writing you sent me was lovely <3

I think you have the right idea by talking to your friend. Things can't go on the way they are, and you need to communicate. But maybe, to try and ease the pressure on them, could you try communicating through writing? That way they don't feel pressured to answer right away, and they can think through their responses. You seem to be good at getting your feelings out in writing, so it might be helpful. Just make sure whatever you write can't be taken the wrong way, as sometimes that happens with writing.

Sending you love!

[loophole03]

What The Hell, Jay?

First of all, this is my first time writing a fanfic ever, so it may be shitty. Also, my first language isn’t english so, hope I didn’t make too many errors.

Female Original Character x Damon Salvatore

TW: Implication of: SA, Grief, Drug use, SUic1d3 attempts

Backstory: Jay-Lee Bennett had just turned 18. Her life in Mystic Falls hadn’t been easy. Her sister Bonnie, died last year. Leaving her, alone with no one to talk to, except Damon. The girl wasn’t just a rebellious punkette, but also a Bennett Witch. The dark haired girl, struggling with her mental health and her powers. Met the Salvatores brothers when she was at her lowest. Being a friend of the late Vicki, Jay-Lee knew all about the town’s vampires.

Today, was the year anniversary of Bon’s death. A full year without my sister, and 1 and a half without my best friend Vicks..

I was thinking about everything that was happening in this town since Bonnie died. She would’ve hated it I chuckled lowly to myself before wiping a runaway tear and sitting down in front of her grave.

I sighed, and lit my joint before putting a red rose on her grave.

-Hey Bones, what’s up? I guess you don’t have a lot on your plate uh? Listen, its hard, without you and Vicki here. We got problems with the tomb vampires, you know.. The reason you fucking died on me?

*A tear made its way down my cheek, while I inhaled a little puff*

-I miss you so so much.. Its hard being the strong girl who have no shits to give. I don’t know if I can keep it up any longer..You usually made it easier for me..I love you Bones, see you soon.

I got up, and left the cemetery, finally putting out my joint.

***

The morning after, I got to school late, again. Mrs. Halpern shooting me a glare as she probably realized I was high again. I sat in my seat, ignoring the usual pity stares I got form Elena and Stefan, and for a full hour, acted as if I cared about Trigonometry. When the bell rang, I quickly went outside to self-medicate. Tyler-fucking-Lockwood bumping me in the process.

-Hey Junkie! Watch where you walk, we wouldn’t want you to get hurt, uh?

He called out. And before I could control myself my powers flaired up and his hair caught on fire.

It didn’t take two seconds before Stefan called out my name again.

So, I left. I didn’t need his morals. I hated myself enough like this.

Walking to the old church, where me and Vicki used to meet, I took a hit on my medicine. It wasn’t the first time that my powers flaired up, Tyler had been lucky that he survived, the last time it happened, the disgusting bastard gropping me wasn’t this lucky.. Elena and both the Salvatores were scared of me, and I knew it. But its not like I could do something about it, trust me, I tried.

As I sat there, thinking about my existence. Something hit me, and I trashed around before finally blacking out.

***

I woke up, and I was in a cage. But what hurt more, was that I recognized the Boarding House. I tried to hear if someone was here, but I couldn’t hear anything. I knew Elena, Stefan and Damon were behind this. I felt betrayed.

Using my powers to escape, I sat on the couch. Waiting for someone to come. And as expected, Damon walked in.

-Oh, you’re out. (Damon called out.)

I glared in response

-The cage was uh, not my idea obviously. But uh it was for uh.. (He stuttered slightly)

-In case my powers flaired up again? In case it became too dangerous?!

-YEAH YOU’RE DANGEROUS JAY! YOU CAN’T FUCKING CONTROL YOURSELF! (He screamed at me). Listen, last time you killed a man, now you lit that Lockwood punk on fire, and as much as I agree that he’s an idiot you can’t do that!! So that’s why we made the cage Jay, just in case..

-In case you had to kill me? But you can’t! And I know because I fucking tried Damon!! (I shouted, getting up from the couch)

His eyes grew dark and the silence grew louder

- Come again? I don’t think I got that right (He fake laughed.)

-I’ll say this once, you.can’t.kill.me.

-No, I got that Jay, what did you say after? (He took a step towards me, head tilted to the side menacingly)

-That I tried? That I wanted to kill myself but failed? Is that what you long to hear Damon?! (My eyes watered while his throat got dry)

He sped towards me and pushed me to the wall by my throat.

-What the fuck Jay-Lee Bennett? Do you really fucking think we would get rid of you? And when did you think that it was okay for you to fucking die on me huh? (He snarled at me)

-Oh come on Damon, no one cares. Stefan and Elena would prefer to have me far, far away from here, ´cause I’m just the crazy junkie who can’t control herself. (I grew quieter)

-Maybe they do, but I don’t Jay, I know you, I care for you.

He softly put my hair behind my ear, grazing my cheek.

-Dam, I can’t do it anymore. (I said, sobbing on his chest)

-The cage was just here so we could have you calm yourself down safely without hurting us or yourself, I would never hurt you. I see you. Behind this strong act you put on. I see you. And.. I l-like you Jay…