#but the 2019 is also incredible and I wish people would look at it for what it is instead of comparing

[legglessdraws]

started thinking about gerwigs little women again and I just. I have no idea why it won best costume design, that was total bullshit, and I understand everyone around my internet liking the 1994 movie version better for multiple reasons, (especially how it’s obviously *such* a comfort movie and the costumes are incredible) but like. as a person who did not grow up with the 1994 movie and watched both of them back to back

gerwigs little women is an *incredible* film. and based on it’s merits as just, a film, I think it’s better than the 1994 one. liking the 1994 movie more is legit obviously but. the 2019 one is better.

gerwig took this story that is about and for women and looked at it through a contemporary lens and made an interpretation that just fucking floored me. jo’s “women…”-speech at the end of the movie?? the whole scene with lauire’s proposal where it’s so obvious and jo understands that it doesn’t matter how much she loves him, them getting married would ruin everything they have, but saying no *also* ruins it. that they’re both trapped in the roles society has given them and makes it impossible for them to be human with each other. that society makes it impossible for jo to be human - just a person. and it translates so well to modern audiences while still (in my opinion) preserving the spirit of the original. women want and need and fight and cry and love and they’re just… human.

also everyone in it really put their whole pussy in their performances

[ingravinoveritas]

Have you seen his latest tweet? He’s having one of his moments and is blocking people left and right. I got myself blocked for commenting on a comment… TF is this poop? 😒

@phantomstars24 Okay, so...I have seen what's been going on on Twitter with Michael and there is...obviously a lot going on. Let me first put up the screenshots of his other tweets, which followed the initial one in @ourtubahero-blog's screenshot (the first one is most recent):

I think there are a few things (well, a lot of things) that are getting missed in all this, specifically the context for why Michael wrote the original tweet in the first place. It appears that it was meant to be a reaction to this incident, which just occurred today in the UK:

The wording of Michael's tweet was not clear, and I also don't think anyone outside of the UK would readily know what he was reacting to, so straightaway this seemed to lead to a lot of misunderstanding. A large portion of the criticism of that tweet stemmed from people thinking Michael was taking a neutral stance on the situation in Gaza/Israel, which is what then led to him making a clarifying tweet in that regard. For my part, I did not interpret Michael's original tweet as neutral, but rather that he is and does stand with innocent people of every stripe, and wishes for there to be no more bloodshed or further loss of life.

Michael's subsequent tweets only seem to have compounded the problem, as they appear to have been made out of an emotional response on his part, which is not a good thing when it comes across as defensive. Emotions are running incredibly high right now, and sadly that is the time when misunderstandings are most likely to occur. In the interest of clarity, in his second tweet, Michael did not say that he had no time to do research, but rather that he "has no time for people telling him to do research." What I took this to mean is that he already has done research and thought very carefully about this entire situation, and therefore felt slighted at people implying that he had not.

The problem inherent in all of this, however, is that this is an extremely difficult subject to have nuanced conversation about, particularly on social media and especially on Twitter. This then leads us to the issue of blocking. I think what Michael was attempting to say (again, badly worded) in his tweet about blocking people was that he was blocking people due to what he perceived as personal attacks. This would explain people being blocked for saying apparently innocuous things, as Michael was on the defensive and does not really have that button in his brain telling him to stop or back off once he gets going.

It goes without saying that Michael seemingly blocking people indiscriminately is definitely not a good look (though it is not without precedent, as I remember well him doing the exact same thing four years ago, albeit under different circumstances). But what is also not acceptable is people sending him death threats, or tweets such as this falsely accusing him of horrific things. In this instance, it is more than understandable that he would have a strong reaction to being dogpiled and block someone, because no one should have to accept threats to their person on their own social media page.

I think what is also happening is that a lot of fans (not either of you who sent in these asks, for the record) are correlating online activism to activism in real life. Michael has always been about walking the walk and not just talking the talk, to where we know he donated almost all of his money to the Homeless World Cup in 2019. He is also a UNICEF UK ambassador and has visited Lebanon, Chad, and Guatemala to meet and help refugee children. All this to say that we have no idea what he has done outside of social media to assist refugees and victims, or if/how much he has donated to Palestinian charities or other relief funds for victims and their families. And for my part, I would rather Michael be clumsy with his wording on social media (again, not defending the indiscriminate blocking) and taking tangible action in real life than engaging in performative Internet activism that ultimately goes nowhere.

(Also, I cannot help but facepalm at people asking Anna to weigh in, under the assumption that a) She would even care about this; and b) She has any influence whatsoever on Michael's behavior, which it is abundantly clear she does not or else he would have stopped flirting with David years ago. I just really hope people do not tag her or expect her to have the ability to somehow "rein him in," because they will be very disappointed...)

So yes, I think what made Michael make a statement tonight after all this time was the above-mentioned MP. I think his intentions were likely good and that his heart was in the right place--as are all of ours, in wanting to protect innocent civilians and stop the horrific violence that is happening. But I also think that if Michael wasn't prepared to handle certain types of criticism, then it probably would have been better for him to say nothing at all, or at least certainly to not escalate things by continuously tweeting. I am also sorry for the fans who were hurt by his actions, because I know fans who have been there before, and it really sucks.

I am hopeful, however, that we can all step back and breathe once emotions are no longer so heightened and try to find a way to listen to each other and engage meaningfully. Because it is truly disheartening to see how things escalated so quickly tonight, and I want to believe that we as a fandom and as human beings can do so much better. I suppose only time will tell...

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 6:

Because these things will change, can you feel it now?

Masterlist - Previous - Next

TW: sexual harassment, assault

"Damn you look good in all red!" I said and looked at Charles in his Ferrari race suit "I mean Seb looked suave… but you? Damn!"

"Stop it, Lizzie!" he chuckled as he checked himself in the mirror, after a while his look changed and I saw him tear up. I jumped up and stood next to him.

"They’re so incredibly proud of you, Charles! Your dad and Jules wished for nothing more than you making your way to Ferrari one day! And that day has come! I know they can’t be here, it’s only us… or well me right now… but Charles, I’m so, so proud of you! This is what you always wanted and you achieved it! This is amazing! You’re amazing!" I said and Charles turned to look at me, a tear running down his cheek.

"That you’re here means the world to me, ma belle!" he whispered and kissed my cheek before hugging me "Thank you for always being by my side! No matter what!"

"There’s no place I would rather be, than here with you, Charlie bear!" I answered and he smiled at me.

"I always ask myself what I did to deserve you, my beautiful, sweet and perfect Lizzie!" he whispered under his breath and it was so quiet, I wasn’t sure he wanted to say it for me to hear, but he just hugged me even closer and I felt the butterflies fly like crazy.

"And what is it exactly?" I asked and the fellow female drivers around me nodded agreeing.

"It is basically a racing series only for female drivers." Catherine Bond Muir said "It’s our way to show that girls or women do have a place in motorsports. To show inclusion."

"Inclusion?" Jamie asked and Jessica next to me just huffed.

"Doesn’t it only divide? Having a series only for female drivers instead of making a way for us in Formula 1?" I said and Jamie nodded

"This is just the first step, to show that female drivers deliver an attractive performance." Catherine said.

"We’re around 50 drivers? How many of us will race in the series? And how will you pick out the lucky ones?" I asked.

"You have to complete 10 modules that will test your skills in racecraft, fitness, media training and sponsorship pitches, before a final knockout series of races that will decide the 28 drivers that will progress into to the next stage." she started to explain and I scoffed, looking around a lot of other drivers didn’t like what they heard as well.

"I never heard of a male driver to complete modules in media training and sponsorship pitches to gain a seat in F1?" I said and Catherine nodded only.

"It’s simple Miss Doetterer, you’re women, people will have their opinion about you, so we need to find the perfect drivers to represent all female drivers to show that you’re perfectly capable of doing what the men do. And for that we need you to be not just the best drivers but also the most approachable, the most interesting, the most well-spoken drivers out there." she answered and Jamie laughed.

"You mean you need good drivers, who also look good and smile nice into the cameras and say only good things about the series?" she asked and Catherine sighed.

"To put it bluntly: yes. That’s what we need from you." she answered.

"When do these tests begin?" Jessica asked and with that the selection of the drivers for the 2019 WSeries began.

"You made it?" Charles looked at me with big eyes as I hung up "Come on, ma belle! What’s going on! Tell me!"

"I’m racing in the WSeries! 10 races, one in Hockenheim, I’m one of the 18 drivers they’ve selected…" I said and Charles launched at me and hugged me tight.

"I KNEW IT!" he almost shouted it and I began to laugh, as I felt the relieve washing over me "They would be stupid! You’re the best female driver out there! You’re even better than most of the guys on the grid! God Lizzie, you’re a better driver than me!"

"Ok stop, Charlie bear, that’s just not true! But thanks for saying it anyway!" I laughed and he just shook his head.

"You know that I would do absolutely everything to bring you into F1! I was talking with Seb about it, how we could do it but unfortunately we didn’t came up with a plan ‘till now!" he said and I looked at him with big eyes.

"You did what?" I asked and he only nodded "Charles that’s ridiculous! F1 is not ready for a female driver, probably never will be…" I said and he sighed.

"Doesn’t matter, I will fight for you!" he answered and I gave him a kiss on his cheek, but when I looked at him I was blushing at his sweet smile.

"Thanks Charles, really!" I whispered and he hugged me again.

"Always, ma belle."

"LIZZIE! LIZZIE! LIZZIE!" the fans shouted as I got out of the car. Putting on my cap. I looked around and saw a bunch of people with the German Flag, caps with my initials and driver number, all shouting for me. I couldn’t contain my smiling and waved to everyone.

"Hi guys! Thanks for coming! Hi! So good to see you! Thank you so much for your support! You’re amazing!" I said and signed pictures of me, smiled for selfies, signed caps, flags and shirts.

"Lizzie! You’re so cool! You’re like the best driver on the grid! Overall I think you’re the best driver!" a little girl said and smiled the biggest smile.

"Thank you so much! Maybe not the best driver! But it sure means a lot when you say that!" I said and she just smiled even more "Here, for you!" I said and took my cap off of my head and used her sharpie to sign it.

"Oh my god! OH MY GOD! Are you sure?! You’re so, so, so cool! Thank you so much!" she said and hugged me. I smiled as I took more selfies here and there and waved to the mass of fans.

"Charles, it was so surreal! They were screaming my name! MY NAME! Can you believe that? Waving the German flag! They wanted selfies with me! ME! Me signing their cap, pictures of me, random stuff!" I was giddy and couldn’t stop smiling as I FaceTimed Charles before the race.

"Of course I can believe it, Lizzie! I always told you that people will love you! How can they not! I’m so happy for you, ma belle!" he said and his smile made me even more giddy and happy.

The next race would be in Assen and not only my entire family would be there, also Charles and Arthur would come along with my friends. They watched me snatch Pole position with a flawless lap and all stood at the barriers to congratulate me.

"That was a phenomenal lap, ma belle!" Charles whispered as he hugged me and I just smiled at him. I saw Ben and Michael approach me and they both hugged me.

"You did absolutely amazing, Liz!" said Ben and smiled at me.

"Fantastic job, Lizzie!" Michael, his dad and my manager said and I just smiled the whole evening as I went to dinner with my family and friends. I could see Charles looking at me one or two times with a look I couldn’t quite interpret, when I talked to Ben, who joined us and wanted to know all about Daniel.

"You okay, Charlie bear?" I asked him as I sat down next to him and he just nodded and smiled his all consuming, dimples showing smile.

"I’m just so proud of you, ma belle! Fourth race. Fourth pole. And I bet my ass tomorrow you’ll take your fourth win as well!" he said and when he tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear I blushed. Hard.

"We will see I guess." I said breathlessly and Charles laughed a little as he realised why I was so flustered but didn’t say anything.

"I’m 100 percent sure, ma belle." he answered and with that we left the restaurant.

I sat on a stack of tires, gathering my thoughts, calming myself down.

"Lizzie?" I heard a male voice and turned around. It was one of the reporters who I just answered some questions about the season, I couldn’t remember his name but I was sure he was from a Spanish website.

"Uhm, hi…" I began and jumped off of the tires.

"Salva Diaz, Marica Sports Spain." he said, reading my mind "I just wanted to speak to you personally."

"Okay? About what exactly?" I asked a little confused as Salva looked around and stepped closer to me.

"I thought I approach you first, I’ve seen the way you look at me, the way you smile and laugh when answering my questions. You’re flirting…" he said and took another step closer as I was taking one back, bumping against the wall of the garage.

"I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression! But that’s just how I am… I wasn’t flirting with you." I said calmly although I felt not calm at all, I looked around if someone was there but we were alone.

"Oh come on, Lizzie, you don’t have to be shy now. I’ve felt the connection, the chemistry between us. You felt it too, I could see it in your eyes!" he said firmly and stepped even closer.

"I’m sorry, but there really isn’t any kind of connection between us… I’m just polite." I tried to reason with him but he stepped even closer and caged me in with his hands on both sides of my head.

"Don’t be like that Lizzie, just admit it…" he said and I froze, I couldn’t move as he leaned in and kissed me. I didn’t kiss him back, just tried to push him off of me as he pushed me back against the wall, kissing me again. Groping me. Grabbing my wrist with that I tried to push him away.

"No. Please stop!" I said again and again as someone approached us. Salva was distracted and I could finally push him away.

"Lizzie? What’s going on?" Jamie said as she looked at me and then Salva "Dude, fuck off! Leave her alone!" he backed off and with one last look at me and Jamie he walked away "If you ever come near her, we’ll call the police!"

I sank down and pulled my knees to my chest, Jamie crouching down in front of me.

"Lizzie?" she asked and I looked at her "Are you okay? Did he touch you? Or hurt you?"

"No, I’m good! But thank you so much for stepping in, Jamie!" I lied and she smiled.

"I never liked this dude! He always looked at you like he’s kinda obsessed with you!" Jamie shook her head and helped me up "If he ever comes near you again, we really gonna call the cops!"

"Yeah. You’re right!" I answered and we walked back into the garage.

The whole time leading towards the race I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said. Did I really, unintentionally, flirt with him? Even tho I didn’t even know him? Never even spoke to him before? Never even talked to him?

"Lizzie? Did you hear me?" Mike, my race engineer, asked "It’s going to rain around lap 25 on going."

"Yep, rain, lap 25. Got it." I mumbled and jumped in my car, still thinking about Salva and how he pushed me against the wall, kissed me, touched me without my consent. I hadn’t expected my first kiss to be forced onto me violently. I felt the bile rise up in my throat but swallowed it down and tried to focus on the upcoming race. Focus Lizzie. I can do this.

The track was wetter than expected, I had to stay off the curbs, focus on the perfect racing line. But my mind always circled back to Salva Diaz. Pushing me against the wall. Grabbing me. Touching me. Telling me that I’ve flirted with him. Telling me that I sent out signals. Stealing my first kiss from me. My first kiss I only wanted to have with one person. The moment Charles face flashed before my eyes was the moment I hit a curb and lost the rear of my car. Although I tried everything to not lose the car, my race ended in the wall. My head spinning. My thoughts racing.

"Lizzie? Are you okay?" I couldn’t answer. I was furious. How could I make such a stupid mistake.

"Lizzie? Do you hear me? Are you okay?"

"I’m sorry. I lost the rear. I’m so sorry!" I hit the radio button.

"It’s okay. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I’m fine." I said and unbuckled my seatbelt and took my steering wheel out. As soon as I was out of the car I screamed a "Fuck!" out and followed one of the Marshalls behind the barriers.

As I returned back to the pits I saw my family, friends and in front Charles, all looking worried. He pulled me in a hug immediately and I felt some tears escaping my eyes.

"I’m such a fucking disappointment. I drove like a fucking rookie. What a fucking joke." I said and Charles only sighed.

"Well, let’s just be happy that I didn’t bet my fucking ass on your fourth win. Otherwise I would’ve lost it. What a fucking shame!" he said and I laughed.

"Stop it, Leclerc! I’m mad! Don’t make me laugh!" I chuckled.

"I’m sorry, Lizzie! That was my fucking mistake! I’m an idiot!" I laughed and he made me look into his eyes "There it is, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen and probably ever will see!"

"Ha-ha!" I said and rolled my eyes and together we walked the few steps to the rest of my supporting group who all hugged me and encouraged me to do better the next race.

"Can I ask you a question?" Charles asked as we sat on the hotel bed, zapping through the channels, I nodded and he switched the TV of "What happened? During the race? We race together since we’re 8 and I never saw you lose the rear in the rain because you hit a curb? You’re brilliant in the rain? So what happened today?"

"I don’t know, I was so focused on winning my fourth race that I had like a tunnel vision I guess… I don’t know." I lied and Charles was only half convinced, but he didn’t say anything. I couldn’t tell him what happened before the race. He would hunt Salva down and god knows what he would do. This would be a secret I’ll take with me to grave.

"I can’t believe he’s gone. Like… we just talked yesterday?" Charles whispered and I gently rubbed circles on the back of his hand with my right hand. My left hand rubbing circles on Pierre’s back who was laying, his head in my lap, in Charles bed, finally sleeping.

"We always know that something like this can happen, whenever we get into our cars. But when it then really happens?” I whispered back and Charles leaned his head on my shoulder "And you guys really will race? The FIA couldn’t grant you the weekend off?"

"We decided to race. In honour of Tonio. He would’ve wanted for us to race." Charles whispered and I nodded.

"I’m so sorry for Pierre… losing him this weekend after everything that Red Bull put him through the last weeks…" I said and looked down at Pierre’s tear stricken face "He needs us now, more than ever, Charles."

"And we’ll be here for him." he answered and snuggled closer into me. After some time we both fell asleep.

"I’m so proud of you, Charlie bear! Your first win!" I whispered as I hugged him close at the barriers "For Anthoine!"

"For Anthoine!" he whispered back and I smiled at him one last time before I was leaving to look for Pierre. He drove his Toro Rosso at this tough weekend on P9 and I was so proud of him. When I finally found him after the podium celebrations I pulled him into me.

"You did a good job today, Pierre! After everything you’ve been through this week and weekend, you did a really good job! I’m proud of you! He’s proud of you!" I whispered and he choked a little.

"Thanks Lizzie! For everything! Without you and Charles yesterday… I don’t know what I would’ve done!" he whispered back.

"That’s what friends are for, right? You’ll never be alone as long as Charles and I run around!" I said and Pierre laughed "You did amazing, for Anthoine!"

"For Anthoine!" he whispered back and together we looked for Charles.

"You won in Monza, Charlie bear! I’m so proud of you!" I almost screamed it and Charles just laughed, hair still damp from the shower.

"And you won in Nuremberg! Your second home race! I’m even more proud of you!" he answered and I smiled at him.

“So big party tonight?" I asked and he just shook his head "It’s Monza? Ferraris home race? Come on!"

"Yeah we’ll have a drink later on and then go to a club, but nothing big planned. Not after…" he said and I sighed.

"Yeah… I understand." I answered and he nodded.

"What are your plans?" he asked and I just shrugged.

"I’m driving home with Dad. I’m not in the mood for celebrating…" I said and Charles cocked an eyebrow.

"Are you okay, Lizzie? You seem a bit off?" he asked and I shook my head.

"I’m good, don’t worry! Just tired!" I lied and Charles looked at me for a while before he nodded.

"I know you Lizzie, somethings off… you know you can tell me?" he said.

"I know Charles, I know! But it’s nothing! Really!" I smiled at him. Today was the first time since Assen that Salva Díaz was again at a press conference. He kept on starring at me the entire time, he didn’t ask any questions. Just him being there gave me the chills anyway. But I haven’t told anyone what happened between us and I wasn’t planning on doing it now.

"Okay…" Charles sighed and I nodded "I have to go now, the team’s waiting!"

"Have fun, Charlie bear! And hug Seb for me! He needs it after his race!" I said and Charles smiled.

"I will, I promise!" he said before he ended the call right as Dad walked in.

"Ready?" he asked and I nodded.

"Yep, let’s go!" I answered and we left the hotel and got in our car, making our way back home.

"How’s Ben?" Charles asked me as I studied the sheets for my final press conference of the season "I haven’t seen him around in a while."

"Yeah, well he’s studying and I don’t even know if he’s that interested in me racing…" I answered a little confused, why would he ask for Ben? I thought about the last time I saw Ben and how he asked me a million questions about Daniel.

"Well he’s definitely not only interested in your racing!" he answered and I laughed, so I’m not the only one seeing the way he checked out Daniel all the time "I think he’s more interested in something else or should I say someone else?"

"So you realised it too? Then maybe I should encourage him to do the next step…" I said and Charles swallowed hard and I looked up "Are you okay?"

"Yeah! Sure! If you want it to happen then you should definitely encourage him to do the next step." he answered and got up from the sofa "I have to call Sylvia because of some PR stuff. I’ll be right back." and with that he left the room.

Charles POV:

She really has feelings for Ben. And I just encouraged her to encourage him to make the next step. Good job, Charles. I sat on the balcony, shuffling through all the pictures of us on my phone. How could I be so stupid and wait this long before telling her how I felt? Of course someone else would show up! It’s Lizzie. She’s not just the most beautiful and sweet girl I’ve ever met. She’s also funny, bold, caring, loving, smart. She’s perfect. All her little flaws, like the fact that she has not a lot of patience, her chaotic being, her crazy mind at times, it all makes her even more perfect. And I idiot waited too fucking long to finally tell her that I love her. Only her. Always have. Always will. And now I have to watch her fall in love with Ben, out of all people it has to be her managers son, and all I can do is pretend to be happy for her. Good. Fucking. Job. Charles. But on the other hand. Like this our friendship won’t be ruined by her not reciprocate my feelings and also if we would try it together but soon realise it’s not working out, there won’t be any weird feelings. Our friendship would be intact and I would still have her in my life. And that is the most important thing. Having her in my life. As long as I had her, all was good. Now I just had to find a way to stop this feeling eating me up alive. And all would be good.

"Lizzie! Congrats! 6 wins, 2 second places and 2 DNFs… what a season! What are your thoughts on being the first WSeries winner?" Ted Kravitz asked and I couldn’t contain my smile. I just won the WSeries season 2019. I was the champion. I had done it. And it felt amazing.

"It’s an amazing feeling! That’s for sure! I was sceptical at the beginning of the season, creating a series for only female drivers instead including us in the already well known highest series wasn’t showing inclusion, rather then segregation, but now I think we showed the world that we as girls or women can race just as good as our male counterparts and maybe in some years in the future the way for a woman or a girl is paved to make it up into Formula 1 and show that we are able to compete in the highest class of motorsports!" I said and the crowd cheered loudly my name.

This would be a day I would remember forever.

"Who’s the girl who can’t keep her hands off of Charles?" I asked Joris who followed my look and sighed.

"That’s Camille. She went with us to school. She always had a thing for Charles. He never noticed but yeah lately he seemed to get it and for some strange reason he’s not appalled by it…" Joris answered and as Camille pulled Charles face to hers and kissed him and he didn’t pushed her off my heart clenched together for a moment before it shattered into a million little pieces.

"Yeah… he’s definitely not appalled…" I mumbled and downed my Tequila Sunrise and then finished off Charles abandoned Moscow Mule. Then I got up and walked straight to the bar.

"3 Tequila shots." I shouted to the bartender who nodded and poured me my shots which I downed one by one. Then I ordered another Tequila Sunrise for now and told the bartender to serve another one in the next 15 minutes at our table.

"You should slow down a bit, Lizzie. You haven’t eaten much tonight…" Joris said and I just shook my head.

"I’m fine, I can handle it!" I said as I watched Camille and Charles dance together, bodies grinding on each other. I downed the rest of my drink as the waiter served me my next one already "What a nice evening to celebrate the end of the year, Joris!" I mumbled and downed the new drink even faster than the last one. It wasn’t even close to midnight as I got up and grabbed my bag.

"Where are you going?" Joris asked and got up as well.

"I’m leaving. I don’t feel that great. And I don’t want to be the fifth wheel. You have your date and Charles has his new girlfriend. I’m leaving and go home!" I answered and Joris looked at me with a hint of pity in his eyes "It’s fine, Joris." I said and kissed his left and then right cheek before heading for the door.

"You’re not saying goodbye to Charles?" Joris asked with big eyes but I just shrugged my shoulders and left the club, not even caring that I ran into someone.

Outside I almost tripped down the stairs, someone helped me but I just didn’t care, I got in a taxi and drove to Charles flat, where I used the spare key he gave me. Using it never felt wrong, but tonight… tonight it did so I put it on the counter and went to the guest bedroom, packed my bag and wrote a little note for Charles. Then I laid it under the spare key and left the flat while tears were streaming down my face.

Charles POV:

As I saw Lizzie’s bright smile that could take me to another planet every damn time I saw it, I knew I had to do something, I couldn’t stop staring at her beauty and I wanted to just kiss her, so when Camille approached I didn’t dodged her like usually, I let it happen, but after a short conversation where I tried my best not to stare at Lizzie, Camille kissed me and although it felt wrong I didn’t stop her. Maybe this was the way to get over the feelings I had for Lizzie. Maybe this was my way out.

After some more dances I looked over at Joris again, talking with his date, no Lizzie next to him. I walked over and he looked up.

"Where is Lizzie?" I asked and he only shook his head.

"She didn’t wanted to be the fifth wheel and left, she said she would go home." Joris answered and I called Lizzie immediately. The call went straight to her voicemail.

Another try. Voicemail. What’sApp. No answer. iMessage. No answer. Maybe she was asleep already? My heart clenched, this would be the first New Year’s Eve in over 10 years that we wouldn’t spent together. I hated it. And as the clock stroked midnight and Camille kissed me, my only thought was Lizzie. And where she was. Not even 30 minutes later I left the club, telling Camille I had some sponsor meeting early in the morning but promising her to call her the next day. Back home I opened the door, wondering why it wasn’t locked.

"Lizzie?" I whispered when I walked into the guest bedroom to found it empty "Lizzie? Are you in the bathroom?" I knocked on the door but it was unlocked and the room behind it empty. Where was she? I walked into my room. Empty. Living room. Empty. The last stop was the kitchen. But she wasn’t here either. As I turned to leave the room, my eyes were catching on the spare key and the note under it.

"Charles.

I left because I thought you might want to have some alone time with your new girlfriend tonight. Didn’t felt right to keep the key when you’re having her over.

Happy New Year.

Lizzie."

Left where? My new girlfriend? Camille? She wasn’t my girlfriend? We made out a little, which was a mistake, but that was it. I took out my phone and called her again. But this time the call was answered.

"Charles?" my mum asked and I was confused.

"Maman? Why do you have Lizzies phone?" I asked her.

"Uhm, Lizzie showed up here, 20 minutes ago. She’s drunk Charles, really drunk. She didn’t look happy either. And she was half frozen! I made her a hot tea and now she’s in bed! What happened? She was with you I thought?" she whispered it as if not to disturb Lizzie.

"We were, she said to Joris she didn’t felt to good and left, I was dancing with a… with a friend and hadn’t realised that she was gone…" I mumbled and put my shoes back on "I’m on my way."

"No! Please stay at home, Charles." Mum said and I swallowed hard "I’m sorry, but I could clearly see that Lizzie was upset, no sad would be more fitting, and she must’ve cried a lot! So whatever happened, I want to talk to her alone, maybe she’ll open up to me!"

"Ok." I whispered "Take care of her. Love you." I hung up. Taking my shoes off, walking back into my bedroom, got out of my clothes and laid down in my bed. What happened that she left so abruptly? And what happened after that? Why did she leave my place? Left the key? What’s going on? My phone vibrates and I checked it immediately, but was disappointed when it was a message from Camille and not Lizzie.

"Tonight was amazing. Thank you! I’m so happy it finally happened between us!"

I swallowed hard. Camille is a nice girl, but I had no feelings for her. But maybe I could give it a try…

"What happened last night? It seemed like Charles didn’t know where you were when he called?" Pascale asked me and I just shrugged "Oh come on, ma petite fille! You know you can tell me everything, Lizzie!"

"I didn’t like being the fifth wheel…" I mumbled, taking a sip of my tea.

"Fifth wheel?" she cocked an eyebrow and I just nodded.

"Joris had his date. Charles had his girlf… Charles had a date as well… and yeah I didn’t like being the fifth wheel." I answered and Pascale looked at me confused.

"Charles had a date?" she asked and I took another sip of my tea.

"Yup…" I sighed and Pascale stroked my arm "I know I shouldn’t just left the club and walk drunk through Monaco. But yeah…"

"It’s okay, Lizzie. But you can’t do something like that again, it’s dangerous!" she said and I nodded "Charles called like a hundred times, I think he will show up eventually in the next minutes.”

"Ok…" I answered and went straight to the bathroom. After a quick shower I pulled on the leggins and sweater Pascale gave me, checked myself in the mirror and brushed my teeth. I could hear the door and shuffling in the hallway, hushed French.

"I talked to her, she’s ok. She’s in the bathroom."

"Why did she leave? And why was she crying?"

"Oh Charles, you know why! Who was that date of yours? You want to tell me something?"

"Date? I met Camille, from school, you remember?"

"Unfortunately I do, yes."

"Yeah well we hung out a little, she’s nice."

"Whatever."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, Charles. Wait in the living room. I’ll make tea."

I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. I can do this. I can face him.

"Ma belle! I was so worried!" Charles jumped off of the sofa and hugged me "What happened? Why did you leave?"

"I didn’t feel well, I was drunk, bored and the being the fifth wheel sucked. So I left." I said and sat down in the armchair. The farest away from where he was sitting down, he looked at me confused and then scooted closer on the sofa.

"You weren’t the fifth wheel!" Charles expressed but I just scoffed.

"You left to get a round of shots and never returned. The next thing I saw was that girl shoving her tongue down your throat and your hands all over her! Joris next to me was flirting away with his date! And I just sat there alone. So yeah. I drank a bit and then I felt sick and left." I said it fast and Charles just sighed.

"Yeah, about that, Camille and I used to go to school together. We talked for a while and then I don’t know… maybe the alcohol did the rest…" he mumbled and I cocked an eye brow. What alcohol, he barely drank from his Moscow mule. But I decided to let it go. At the end of the day I had no right to be mad at him. So I swallowed the bile down, that began to rise up my throat and nodded.

"It’s okay. I was drunk myself and made stupid decisions… but she seemed nice and she’s really pretty! So if you like her. Go for it." I said it with a smile, trying to sound genuine even tho it hurt saying it.

"Yeah well, we’ll see." he answered as Pascale appeared with some more tea.

"I guess we will…" I said and drank my tea in silence. I had to accept the fact that Charles would have a girlfriend from now on in his life. A girlfriend that’s not me. A girlfriend that is so much prettier than I am, so much more fitting for a rising star in F1 and future World Champion. But if he would be happy, I would be happy too. For him. Because that is what was the most important for me: his happiness.

————————————————————————

Little Note:

I’m back from my little summer break and here it is, Chapter 6 🥰

Pleaaaase leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts! Like seriously! I'm open to any criticism, bad or good, it doesn't matter!

If you want to be added to the taglist, drop a comment!

Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos

All pictures are from Google, Pinterest, Instagram, etc.

[bananaproved]

Top 6 shelved dramas that I would still really like to see

Ranked in no particular order, selection based on my personal tastes.

1) The Prisoner of Beauty

Plot : Adapted from the novel "Zhe Yao" by Peng Lai Ke, it tells the story of the arranged marriage between Wei Shao (Liu Yuning) and Qiao Man (Song Zuer). The fun thing about this marriage is that they both hate each other for complicated family reasons (in the novel Qiao Man's family is directly responsible for the death of Wei Shao's father), so they start they relationship by trying to make the life of the other a living hell. Ultimately, their relationship will develop as they are impressed by each other's ingenuity and discover common interests. There is also an important "let's protect the empire and the common people" plot behind the romance.

Why I wish I could see it : It looks good !! The main duo of actors are both really good looking, but the production in general looks really high budget, with good costumes and sets. I would love to see that. Just look at this trailer !

Why I am not seeing it any time soon : Song Zuer :/ bestie :/ tax evasion is bad !!

Can we have some hope ? : Not really, at this point of time, no c-actors caught for tax evasion managed to make an actual comeback in the industry (even really popular ones like Deng Lun or Fan Bing Bing). Song Zuer is still being investigated, so maybe we can hope to see her name cleared but it's a little unlikely because they don't investigate people just for fun. However Song Zuer was involved in a lot of high budget projects so I am sure a lot of people are really motivated to try to airdrop at least some of her projects if they have the possibility.

2) The Fated General

Plot : Classic high-budget historical drama telling the story of real life historical figure Huo Qubing (Zhang Ruoyun) during the Western Han Dynasty. It follows his military feats that got him the reputation of being one of the best military generals in the history of China.

Why I wish I could see it : First, the cast is incredible. We have Zhang Ruoyun (famous for being really good at choosing his scripts), Mao Xiao Tong, Bai Yu, Li Hongyi, Xu Yue, and others. It's really an all star cast except the drama was shot in 2016, before some of them became really famous, so it can be really interesting to watch ! Plus it's a really high budget drama, most of the outdoor scenes are shot in real landscape and not in a studio and it globally looks really good. For a better impression, look at this nice looking MV based on the different trailers of the show :

Why I am not seeing it any time soon : In 2019 (I think ?) the censorship rules changed concerning historical dramas and established the fact that dramas were forbidden to "distort" certain historical facts. This kind of put an end to traditional historical dramas as they became a way more risky investments, and stopped this one from airing as it already took some liberties in terms of storytelling. Huo Qubing is also a semi-controversial historical figure so it is not helping.

Can we have some hope ? : It's been 7 or 8 years and the regulations concerning historical fiction only got more restrictives in China so I would say no.

3) Immortality

Plot : I'm sure everybody knows the plot of Erha so I don't need to write it but just in case the important tags are : xianxia, dangai, shizunfuckers, reincarnation, blood spitting, stairs, ...

Why I wish I could see it : Outside of the obvious reasons (gay people on my screen, Luo Yunxi spitting blood), it's also produced by the same people involved in the production of Till the End of the Moon and Shui Long Yin, so I have I hopes for the artistic direction of the drama. Also for dmbj fans : did you know Liu Chang played a guest role in this drama ? Idk what he is doing here but I would love to see it.

Why I am not seeing it any time soon : We are all aware of the famous 2021 dangai ban, but in general the chinese government is not a big fan of massive and really agitated fandoms (in the way The Untamed fandom was), so Immortality is in a pretty bad position.

Can we have some hope ? : Yeah !!!!! Hyx TOMORROW !!! Believe in your dreams !!!

For real : Two options. 1) On a random morning of the year 20XX you wake up to danmei fans in your tl losing their marbles bc the 6 first episodes of hyx were randomly airdropped during the night with no promotion and no warnings. You cry some tears of joy and immediately go watch Luo Yunxi spit some blood on screen. 2) After many years hyx is still not out but there were so many leaks that the fans managed to recreate the entire series from scraps and now you can watch it in full. Look, they already started :

4) Night Wanderer

Plot : Zong Yin (Ni Ni) is a forensic expert living in Shanghai in 2021. She met, in her own apartment, a man, called Sheng Qing Rang (Deng Lun), claiming to be the owner of this apartment but in 1937. Together they discover that they can travel to their respective time periods through their shared apartment and start to develop a strong relationship, first as confidence and progressively as lovers. However, the situation get complicated as the Battle of Shanghai broke out in 1937 putting both of their lives in danger.

Why I wish I could see it : First, for lesbian reasons as I would never miss an occasion to stare at Ni Ni for 36 episodes (Wang Yuwen also has a supporting role here and I really like her ! Double win !). Second, it's actually a really nice and original plot for a CDrama and I have full confidence in both actors' capacity to pull off a really good performance to go with it. Look at this trailer ! It looks so promising !

Why I am not seeing it any time soon : Deng Lun !!! Tax evasion is bad !!

Can we have some hope ? : Even less than for The Prisoner of Beauty as Deng Lun is 100% proved to have committed tax evasion. There is often rumors about him coming back to acting but it's unlikely.

5) Winner is King

Plot : Based on the novel "Sha Po Lang" by Priest, set in a steampunk version of the Liang Dynasty. It tells the story of Chang Geng (Chen Zhe Yuan), a young man living in a random countryside village, who discovers after a raid on their village that the closest people around him were hiding a big secret about his identity. He also discovers that the people around him are not who they pretend to be, especially his yifu (adoptive father, played by Tan Jianci), and realizes that his life will never be the same.

Why I wish I could see it : Outside of the reasons already mentioned in hyx's case, Winner is King is also directed by the same director as Guardian and a Journey to Love. I really like his work and he proved that he was able to do really good things even with a really low budget, so now imagine with a decent amount of money ? It could be great. Also I really like the idea of an ancient china steampunk but I am too lazy to read the book.

Why I am not seeing it any time soon : Same reason as hyx and all the other dangais </3 Also I am not sure of how advanced the production was when it was stopped, because I feel like there are not as many content leaks.

Can we have some hope ? : If we can manifest hard enough the end of the ban, it is possible.

6) The Love of Hypnosis

Plot : During the end of Qing Dynasty, a (patriotic) young man named Yen Shen (Jing Boran) meets a fragrance shop owner named Lu Man Sheng (Liu Yifei). Man Sheng has the special ability/ mission to relieve the hearts of people suffering because of love, but it does not mean that her own romantic life is easier to deal with. Together they fall in love and have to navigate the really troubled times of the end of Qing Dynasty.

Why I wish I could see it : If you are familiar with Liu Yifei and Jing Boran acting I'm sure you can see the potential of this pairing ??? Just the poster has more on screen chemistry than some pairings have in 40 episodes. At this point the plot could be written by a cat walking on a keyboard and I would still have hope for a good chemistry. Also the drama has Liu Mintao in a supporting role and I am in love with her so it's a plus.

Why I am not seeing it any time soon : First, there are some copyright issues with the original manhwa author. Second, the second male lead, Zhao Lixin, got more or less canceled a few years back for political reasons (sorry I don't have the details).

Can we have some hope ? : I would say maybe a little. Copyright issues can be solved and I've heard that Zhao Lixin is still shooting in dramas, meaning that there is hope for some of his stuff still being released.

That's all <3

Sorry for depressing information maybe ? Next time I promise I will make a post about dramas I am looking forward to and that are likely to be released sooner or later. 

[mikefaistinfo]

West Side Story’s Mike Faist Wishes He Got to Sing ‘America’

By Nate Jones, a Vulture senior writer covering movies and pop culture

From the very first trailers for Steven Spielberg’s West Side Story, one character popped off the screen — the scraggly John Mulaney lookalike playing Riff, leader of the Jets. Without taking anything away from Russ Tamblyn’s jovial performance in the 1961 film, this new Riff is something different. He’s a true street rat, almost feral with a live-wire charisma. Since the film started screening, viewers and critics alike have been asking: Who is this guy?

That guy is 29-year-old Broadway veteran Mike Faist, whom theater buffs will recognize as one of the newsies in Newsies as well as the depressed teen whose death kick-started the plot of Dear Evan Hansen. (Faist got nominated for a Tony but declined to reprise the role for the movie — a wise decision in retrospect.) West Side Story is his 14th screen credit but his first major film role, and it’s a true breakout performance: Alongside Ariana DeBose’s Anita, Faist’s Riff has been spotlighted as one of the best things about the new film, the personification of Spielberg and screenwriter Tony Kushner’s more historically grounded take on the material.

The praise is a long time coming for Faist, who shot West Side Story back in the summer of 2019. As he told Vulture over Zoom recently, he’s spent the intervening months looking for projects that would live up to the experience, living that #VanLife, and thinking about what he actually wants to get out of acting.

In the most recent interview I read, you’d left New York and were living out of a van.

The pandemic did a lot of weird things to everybody. I was working in Austin when everything shut down. They were going to send us back to New York. I’m in Austin. I have all this space, the sunshine. I’m not going to go back to New York and just hang out in my apartment during a pandemic. So I had my dog, and we drove around the country a bunch. I would purposefully stay away from people. I would find people that had farmland. They were nice enough to let me set up a tent. I actually sold my apartment in New York this summer. Got rid of it.

This is maybe a heavy question for early in the interview, but what did you learn about yourself from that experience?

I didn’t know that I liked being alone. I think it’s important to really get quiet. I lived in New York for 13 years. And when you’re here, it’s just like constant adrenaline. Which I love. But I think when you’re here, you don’t realize the toll that it takes until you leave it.

In that interview, you also said you weren’t sure if you hated acting or loved it. That was six months ago — have you come closer to an answer?

I’m embarrassed by this because everyone’s asking. It’s so strange. I don’t know, man. Ultimately, the issue really was that I had come off shooting West Side Story, which was such an incredible experience artistically. It was everything I wanted to do as an actor in terms of how I wanted to approach the work, what I demanded out of myself. And then I had to leave. Jumping into the next project wasn’t a negative experience. But one was such a fulfilling thing, and the other one, I was going to work.

So I was thinking, To what end do I do this? Ultimately, what am I trying to get out of this thing? Do I really need attention that bad? What are the things that I really want to do? Because if it’s just to go from job to job — which is a gift, so I’m not trying to knock it. But it was more just asking myself all these questions about what my goal was. And ultimately, I came to the conclusion recently that I love it. I love it too much, maybe to a fault. I’m a little precious about the craft of it all. I’m learning not to take myself too seriously. Enjoy it, let things come when they come.

You shot West Side Story two and a half years ago. What’s it like watching it after all this time?

It’s so weird. All that time was passing, and there was this thing floating there in the ether. And eventually, maybe the world was going to see it. I remember calling Steven over the pandemic, and I said, “For me, if nobody saw the movie, it wouldn’t matter because the experience was amazing.” Then you go and see the film for the first time, and you’re in a theater with only five people, and you’re just like, Huh.

How so?

In that initial screening, I wasn’t able to relive the experience of making it. You can’t help but watch yourself, and you can’t help but critique. While I was making the film, I felt like I was giving it everything that I had. And then when I saw the film, I was like, Oh, buddy, maybe you need to go find a different job. We’ve all talked about it as a cast. We drove home back to the hotel, and we were all like, “It’s a good movie. But man, I’m bad.” And everyone else was like, “No, you are great, I’m bad.” And I think Steven and Tony sensed that we were all too close to it to actually see what was going on. So they invited us back for another screening. The second time around, I was like, Stop being such an egomaniac and just watch the movie. And being able to remove myself more, I thought it was a great movie. But still, it was an entire theater with four people. At the premiere, I realized why it’s very important to have a collective experience of going to the theater. There’s something about communal experiences that allow you to see aspects of art that you wouldn’t necessarily experience if you were by yourself. And that’s the same thing for when you’re performing onstage in front of an audience. We’re all co-creators in this thing that’s happening right now.

I know the Bruce Davidson portraits of 1950s Brooklyn gang members were a key bit of inspiration for you. What struck you about those photos?

When I saw those photos, I knew that these were the guys. These are the Jets, visually, for me. I’m not trying to knock any production of West Side in the past, but there felt like there was maybe something missing — a certain groundedness, a seriousness or desperateness, that I started understanding as I was doing research. I think that pops off the page with Bruce’s photos. You see these guys, and they’re emaciated, they’re nihilistic, they just don’t care. You can tell that they cannot see what’s beyond tomorrow. And then as you do more research, you find out they’re all orphans. None of these people have families; the only family that they have is each other. And then on top of that, too, they’re heroin addicts. They’re broke. At the end of the day, they would pool money, and instead of really eating, they would just buy wine and get wasted. They just feel so lost.

Tony Kushner also does a good job of making the Jets the embodiment of 1950s white resentment. I’m curious how you approach that element of the character.

Can you elaborate on that a little bit more?

Sure. I mean the way they’re a community that sees people moving in from Puerto Rico and feels like they are an existential threat. They act out in ways that are, to modern eyes, quite racist. But obviously, it still gets at the fact that these are desperate orphans.

Where Tony really nails that, and Steven as well, is the setup of the film. The opening shot, where you see the demolition of all these homes so that Lincoln Center can get built. Everybody’s getting kicked out. It’s like the only thing constant is change. And that’s why this story’s going to be able to be told over and over again. Humans’ inability to deal with change, that’s what makes this story super fascinating to me.

It’s an interesting thing. There are racist acts that happen in this movie. Are the Jets racist? I don’t know. I couldn’t approach that from my point of view: being the actor, trying to empathize with this character who’s doing these really questionable things.

Because you’d be putting a judgement on it?

Yeah. I can’t do that as the actor. My job is to be like, “No, this guy’s the victim.” Now, I accept that this guy does a lot of racist stuff. But where it’s coming from is the xenophobia of it all. It’s the fear of the unknown. And from Riff’s point of view specifically, his home’s getting taken away. His best friend doesn’t want to be his best friend anymore. It comes down to this weird codependent relationship between Tony and Riff. I keep joking that it’s like Thanksgiving. Tony’s a guy who wants to not be that way anymore, but he’s still trying to be loving and have a conversation. But Riff doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand that.

Some productions of Romeo and Juliet add a romantic subtext to the relationship between Romeo and Mercutio. Was that something you guys were playing around with as well?

Romantic?

I mean, Riff is sleeping with Tony’s ex. I was wondering if there’s a little transference there.

I think it says something more about Graziella: She has to be with whoever’s the alpha at that moment. I’m not sure if it is romantic. If an audience member wants to interpret it that way, go ahead. That’s fine. But for me, I keep going back to the familial kind of love. Tony and Riff raised each other because there was no one else. They were their only line of defense. It spread out among other guys, but it all started within these two. Which is what we see in gangs, right? You don’t have a family, well, we got you. We will do this for you, but you have to do this for us. You don’t have power in that situation, but you feel accepted.

The new movie shuffles around the musical numbers in terms of who gets to sing what. Is there a song you wish you could sing, even if it doesn’t make sense for Riff?

I mean, “America” is amazing. Those dancers are incredible, man. They’re absolutely amazing. I would love to be in that number. I think all the Jet boys got a little FOMO from that one.

One thing that I and many others who’ve seen the movie have noted is your remarkable resemblance to John Mulaney in this film. Is that something you got before West Side Story, or is it Riff specific?

No, you’re not the first person to say that. People have come up to me and been like, “You ever get that you look like John Mulaney?” It’s fun. It would be fun to see John Mulaney as Riff in West Side Story, though.

He’s got the limbs for it.

For sure. He’s definitely got the nothing-but-arms-and-legs thing going on, like myself.

You said you’re trying to be a little more intentional about where you go from here. What’re the ideal next few years for you?

Tony used the word “stewardship.” And that’s very accurate. We had a deep respect for this story and the legends that have told it in the past. I feel like I have a great responsibility here to do this right. And on top of that, to tackle roles that force me to find the pieces of myself that I didn’t know existed.

What part of yourself did you find here?

I was reading this interview from a while back where Tom Hanks and Steven were talking about Saving Private Ryan. And Tom said there was this weird thing that Steven subliminally did in terms of, you have to step up and take charge of the group. I felt that way too. It wasn’t ever explicitly said. It was just an energy thing he was putting out there, like, “You know what you’ve got to do.” I’m in charge of 15 other guys. Some of them have done some movies, and others this was their first time, they’ve never done this before. I guess what I had learned was that I’m able to do that. I demanded of them. When it was time to have fun, it was time to have fun. And when it was time to shut up and do the thing, it was time to shut up and do the thing. And they ran with that. We did this thing together. They elevated me, and I elevated them.

Find this article on: https://www.vulture.com/2021/12/west-side-story-riff-actor-mike-faist-interview.html

[eelhound]

"What would it be like to be truly content with what we have? You can understand that in regard to material things, of course, but I also mean it in regard to our life in total. What would it be like to walk down the street like that? Not imagining where you’re going or where you’re coming from but being content with whatever the street, the world, has to offer at exactly that moment in time.

Dogen said it would be like this: 'The mind and the externals are just thus. The gate of liberation is open.' What? Let me explain.

At the Zen center we have a few beautiful tea bowls made by a Japanese potter, all of which are chipped now, because people wash them and stack them in the metal rack, and they’re very fragile. When I talk to our community members about not putting them in the rack, they say, 'They’re too delicate to use. Why do we even have them?' Suzuki Roshi had the same problem with the teacups in his own Zen center. (It must be a Zen center epidemic.) A student complained to Suzuki about the cups. He smiled and said, 'You just don’t know how to handle them. You have to adjust yourself to the environment, not vice versa.'

This is what Dogen was saying, too. The gate of liberation is always open. Liberation from what? Liberation from walking around in a dream, like a zombie looking for contentment outside your immediate and precious life. If only you could actually recognize and receive what is here in front of you, rather than what you wish were here instead. Why is that so hard? I don’t know, but I do know that I certainly have a tendency to want to adjust my environment to myself, not the other way around. Instead, is it possible for us to constantly give thanks for whatever our life gives us? This is how to practice being truly content with what we have — even when it seems impossible.

One of my heroes of practicing this radical contentment is the 18th-century haiku master Issa, who is a beloved poet in Japan. He has a haiku that goes 'Everything I touch / with tenderness, alas, / pricks like a bramble.' Essentially, 'Everything I touch turns to shit.' He had his reasons for saying so. His mother died when he was 3, and he was raised in part by a loving grandmother, who died when he was 14. He was sent away from his home by his father and stepmother, not returning until he was 49. He then met his wife, Kiku. Their first child died in birth. Their second died as a toddler. Then a third child died, and finally, Kiku herself died. It was after their second child’s death that Issa wrote probably his most famous poem: 'This world— / Is a dewdrop world, / And yet, and yet . . .'

Issa was so interested in that 'and yet.' In a body of work inspired by incredible suffering and melancholy, there is also that incredible sweetness of the 'and yet,' which pervades his writing. It’s a sweetness that coexists with sorrow, and it reminds us that sweetness is always available to us, if we’re willing to fully enter our life, just as it is."

- Koshin Paley Ellison, from "Being Content with What We Have." Tricycle, June 2019.

[bish-plz-haha]

I need to vent; another tangent

I'm watching a video that is making me cry.

So there's a video I just found that was made after Dan Howell came out - back in 2019 or whenever it was - and there's a lot of videos online of Dan answering fan questions on live videos between 2013 and 2017 or whatever where people were constantly like "are you gay?". He used to get those a lot. There's also one video from a live where he is talking about how much he didn't like himself - if you know you know. His story when he came out really hit home for me - still does - but my mind completely forgot about the "I hate everything about myself, ask anyone who knows me" thing until I watched this video. Just, thinking back on a lot of that stuff, a lot of shit Dan has said has really hit home for me.

And I would like to say that Dan is a very aesthetically pleasing person to look at. Like he is a very gorgeous human being. And I'm not sure why but it's just really hitting home and just full on punching me in the face that Dan hated himself so much for so long and a lot of it was because of this thing that he had no control over. And through his childhood, he was told that this thing is a bad thing. As a person who has gone through the fear of questioning one's self, I'm thankful that I never dealt with that. I had people who supported me for who I was and never told me that I couldn't be this thing because it was bad. And to see this guy come out of nowhere - just sort of rise out of the ashes - and be like, "I'm here." But still hate himself so much and try to supress a part of himself and yet have all these people just hounding him and pointing out this thing he hates about himself.

As a part of the phandom, I was never one of those people. I will say that with confidence. I just kind of kept to the shadows, as I do today. I didn't care if he was gay, straight, an alien, a worm - my point is it never mattered to me. And it still doesn't matter to me someone's sexuality. But it just hit me tonight, hard, that the incredible Daniel Howell hated himself for so long over something he couldn't control. And people were constantly hounding him about this thing he was trying to hide about himself... and now he's happy. I mean, happy enough to be who he really is. He's been dealing with depression for a long time, I know, but he's able to be here and be queer.

The recent gaming channel videos have been getting me. Dan has been laughing - genuinely laughing. And just being himself. And it brings me a lot of joy. I just really fucking love Dan.

If I ever get a chance to meet @danielhowell I just wanna tell him how proud of him I am. I've been watching Dan and Phil for, god, 10 years now and I remember a lot of these moments that Dan has had on his livestreams. I was there. And it's only now just hitting me. It's been 4, almost 5, years since Dan came out. And as a fan of his: I'm proud.

I'm so very proud of him and his journey to self acceptance. I love Dan so much, and maybe it's because I've related to him a lot in my life, but I absolutely love Dan - and I will say this as many times as I need to. He's an inspiration. And I wish I could tell him.

[joandfriedrich]

Hope you don’t mind me ranting a little, I was looking for fanfics of Amy and Laurie and I’m kinda sad that a lot of them have him cheating physically or emotionally cheating on Amy with Jo. It’s like people just can’t accept that Laurie grew up (with a little help from Amy) and fell in love with someone else. Jo herself says she isn’t in love with him. And she found a beautiful love with Friedrich, I wish people could let it go. And maybe I’m wrong but with how Laurie was written in the book, I don’t ever see him cheating on Amy whatsoever with anyone. And Jo wouldn’t cheat on Friedrich with Laurie because she was never in love with Laurie!!! It feels so incredibly out of character for the both of them.

There is a way in Archive of Our Own to look for main ship tags. That is what I always do when looking out for Little Women fics. It filters out all the unwanted ones.

For your question, it is what I have been saying in the LW podcast since the beginning, I think the biggest problem is the lack of Laurie's characterization in Little Women adaptations and romanticizing his and Laurie's relationship.

Long loving looks

1949

1994 the non-required kiss

2019 Jo wanting Laurie back out of nowhere, and people even saying that "Gerwig" fixed Jo, for wanting Laurie back. Also Timothee Chalamet and Gerwig both saying the promotional tour that Jo and Laurie should be together.

Those are of course just a few examples, but then there is the actual story in the book. No I don't think Laurie would ever cheat on Amy and Jo would certainly not cheat on Fritz.

I personally believe that LMA planned both marriages years before she wrote the novel. There is a book from Goethe called "Wilhelm Meister's apprenticeship" one of Alcott's favorite books. Wilhelm is very much a Laurie type of character. During the novel he grows as a person. We see, this in the terms of character. He moves on from unhealthy relationship to Marianne to one with Natalia. In LMA's notes, she calls the relationship with Natalia "beautiful". This is both mental and spiritual transformation, it also happens when Jo moves on from Laurie to Fritz.

I think that is one of those things that people miss on Louisa May Alcott's writings. Person "transcends" in this next relationship, and becomes a better person.

In general I think, most of Laurie's characterization is missing from the adaptations. i know I sometimes critizise him, the way he behaves as a young man, but I think that is the point because he grows out of that behavior when he is with Amy. Had she stayed with Jo he would have remained as a man-child, and they would have both been unhappy.

-Niina/Little Women Podcast

-----------------------------------------

I totally understand your pain, because a few years ago I read a fanfic where Jo gave birth to her son Teddy, and pretty much everyone knows that Jo and Laurie had affair that resulted Teddy, and Friedrich was just fine with it even if a little sad. It is one of the worst fanfictions I have ever read, and I wish I never seen it.

I just have a hard time believing that either Jo or Laurie would cheat on their respective partners, or be the lover to someone married, it is just not in their personalities. Laurie had a crisis when he realized that he wasn't in love with Jo anymore, do people really think he'd just be ok with having affair with someone? The guy would be so racked with guilt that he'd confess to it immediately, he'd even tell Amy about how another woman hit on him and he'd apologize.

Jo clearly had no interest in any man until Friedrich (Jo, and even Friedrich, can be read heavily as being demisexuals), and she has made it incredibly clear that she has no romantic or even sexual feelings for Laurie, constantly calling him her "brother", even trying to set him up with her sisters at different points.

It's crazy how desperate the Jo and Laurie shippers are to try and make them work when Alcott is rolling in her grave to think that people didn't get the obvious that Jo and Laurie do not belong together! Thankfully, there is more than enough good fanfics out there to wash the awful taste in your mouth.

-Christina

[arwenadreamer]

Let me tell you a bit about my wonderful, wonderful JiB 11 experiences.

It finally happened! I've met Jared Padalecki!

First thing Saturday morning I went to his auto. I had bought a moose notebook back in 2019 when I got the JiB tickets, and have been waiting to give it to him ever since. He looked at it, then visibly did a double take and started to laugh. I told him "Back when I got the notebook you had this huge hiatus beard!" He smiled, stroked with his knuckles over his own beard and said "I'll get there again!".

Next up was my Jared photo. While I was standing in line for the OP, he made eye contact two times, very briefly, and I almost died on the spot. Lol. I am an aro/ace woman in my fourties, but this man is killing me!

We took the picture, I said thank you and turned away. While I was turning away, his hand stayed on my back, and he rubbed me twice in circles. I don't remember much from this op, but I do remember the feeling of him stroking by back in circles. I also remember the feeling of his chin on top of my head. And how cold that stupid (sorry) Gucci jacket was against my face.

I'm not putting an uncensored picture on here, but believe me, I couldn't smile any more if I tried. I have a look on my face that is completely over the moon, but who can blame me?

With Jensen, I asked him to be hugged from behind, and I really love this photo too. I just wish I had left my jacket on. My bare arms don't look so good on here. But that's just me being self critical. So what the heck, I'm gonna share it with you anyways.

@takikojou and me planned on standing in line for a question at the first panel sunday morning. (A Jared solo panel.) I knew what question I wanted to ask, but I planned on writing it down. Just to be sure I'd get it right.

But while we were sitting in the Saturday evening Jared solo panel, close to the right hand side microphone for questions, the queue on that side was getting shorter and shorter, and suddenly there was no one standing in line at all. On the other side there were still plenty of people queing, and there was also quite some time left on the panel. So I just got up and went up to the micro without thinking. While I was standing there, my heart beat like crazy. I have no idea what was being said during the question Jared was currently answering. I just tried to get the question right in my head. When it was my turn, I asked him:

"At the last JiB I asked Jensen a question for both of you -"

Jared: "I wasn't there last JiB."

Me: "I know."

(That sounded rather rude-ish, but I swear I didn't mean it that way. I was just so incredibly nervouse.)

Me: "I asked Jensen to answer for both of you and he did, but he also said you would probably have this long insidefull answer. So now I'm asking you. What aspect of Sam's and Dean's personality was hardest to act?" And then, because I was kind of besides myself, I felt the need to clarify "Sam, in your case."

Jared said that a lot of Sam came pretty natural to him, and he gives credit for that to the writers who got to know who he is and wrote Sam that way. As an example he mentions Sam's "empathetic puppy dog eyes" written in scripts. He then says that the hardest part to act was Sam's kind of comedy. Because for him Sam's kind of comedy was hard to find. And that maybe that was correct, because Sam didn't think of himself as a funny person. Whereas Cordell Walker's kind of comedy is basically Jared's kind of comedy.

He concluded: "That's my answer. I hope it lived up to Jensen's expectations." Lol.

That's when I messed up completely in my nervousnes. Because I repeated Jensen's answer the wrong way around. Jensen had said for Jared it would be "having a shorter older brother". But I said to Jared:

"Jensen said it would be having a taller older brother."

But Jared, being the intelligent man he is, and knowing Jensen the way he does, immediately made sense of it.

"I guess for me it would be having a shorter older brother. Because my brother is taller than I am. So."

And with that he basically repeated Jensen's answer for him from JiB 12. Lol.

Here's the video, if you're interested. My question starts at around 19:10.

As I've just rewatched the video, I've realised that he was looking at me a lot. Unfortunately, I couldn't really see from my position at the microphone. In a panel on the next day Jared mentions that everybody on that microphone is squinting and shielding their eyes. There was this bright light shining right in peoples eyes over there. They dialed it down a bit after Jared mentioning it on Sunday, but Saturday, I could hardly make him out on stage.

On Sunday came my long awaited J2 OP. I asked them if they could look like Sam and Dean as opposed to Jared and Jensen. They both said sure and we did the OP. When I left I said thank you. Jensen answered in the most Texas drawl "You're welcome!". I loved the way he said it.

I also love the OP! I tried to smile a bit less, to make it more of a Winchester pic. I failed horribly at that. But again, who can blame me?

On my other post someone commented it looks like Sam and Dean are confused that there is someone in between their hug. And that is so true, lol. "Sorry, boy's, I'll get out of your way, now."

When I went to the Jensen auto with my friend, we were waiting in line inside the auto room, even though Jensen was not there yet. But Jared was. He was sitting at the table, giving auto's. I was standing at a point in line that was basically closest to Jared for about 20 to 30 minutes, without my line moving. So I had plenty of time watching Jared from about 3 meters away. And I was blown away by his kindness, his gentle and funny nature. What everyone says about him is absolutely true. He really makes these short interactions for everyone special. And his full attention is at the person in front of him. Always. It's one thing to experience that in person for one short interaction. It's another to witness that with dozen's of people. It's not just one friendly hello after the other. (Which, honestly, would be enough to ask for.) It's that his facial expression changes with every person. With some he laughs, with some he's serious. He's listening intently if someone talks to him. I could't here what was being said (and wouldn't have wanted to eavesdrop anyway), and couldn't see what he signed. But I saw his face. I saw he reacted to that. And it never seemed forced. He just is that kind of person. Genuine. Empathetic. I only saw one thing given to him. And I had to laugh. Someone brought him Haribo gummy bears. He was so FAST taking that and slipping it into the bag for presents he had behind the table. It was a blink and you'll miss it moment. Lol. I guess that's also genuinely him. He loves his sweets.

Then Jensen arrived and I had my autograph. He was really, really nice and attentive too. Jensen also always makes sure to look up at the end of each auto and look people in the eye.

I had so many great interactions throughout the convention, and everything I had hoped for had come true already. There were just a few panels left I wanted to watch.

So @takikojou and I went into the panel room for the Jared and Misha panel. And she points out that there is no-one at the microphone on the left hand side yet. She asked me to stand in line with her. So I did. I quickly came up with a question for both of them. I didn't want to ask a Jared only question at a Mishalecki panel. I thought that would be rude.

So I wanted to ask where in Germany besides Berlin they had been. I thought this would be a short question with short answers, nothing special. But then Jared Padalecki basically had a whole conversation with me, and it turned into the most amazing moment of the whole JiB convention!

I'll leave the link here. It starts at 7:20

You may have seen videos where people stand in the hallway at the end of JiB con, and the actors come out to walk through the people, giving high fives and stuff. There's a small area where people can stand, behind barrier tapes. When my friends and me came out of the panel room, that area was already crowded. So we just left the convention area through a hallway in which no-one was allowed to stand. But at the end of the hallway people gathered again. My friends and I got a really good place there, right at the end of the hallway, where the room opens again. Security quickly put up more barrier tapes. So basically, it was a espallier (? that what you call it? ) of people, then a hallway, and then another espallier of people, forming one long line.

People in the first area where shouting for Jensen to come out, and he did. But he didn't see us down at the second area at the end of the hallway, so the turned around and went back into the green room again. Same with Jared after that. They just didn't see us. I know because I was the first person at the end of the hallway and had a perfect view all the way up. They didn't even look in our direction. And they couldn't hear us over the loud crowd in area one.

Then came Rob, and he saw us. When he realised there were so many more people down there, he just started a sprint and came to us. The security guard accompaniying him was completely taken by surprise and had trouble keeping up, lol. Rob went through our row, and so did every other actor after that.

Matt Cohen was last. He went through our row, and when he came back, while passing me, I asked him:

"Matt, can you ask Jared and Jensen to come down here as well?"

He said he would. And he did.

A few minutes later all the actors came out together, and they all came into our second area.

I thought that was a pretty great grand finale. But then my friend surprised me with a can of FBBC beer she had brought from Austin to share with me. And that was just the crown on top of an overwhelming, amazing, wonderful weekend. I had the time of my life! And I am so grateful I got to share it all with @takikojou and M. It would not have been half as wonderful without you two!

[cannibaldyke]

Crimson Peak Limited 4k UHD

don’t usually do long posts, but wanted to show off all the stuff that came in the new Crimson Peak release from Arrow! they also did a release in 2019, so i guess they still have the rights.

specs-wise, it obviously looks gorgeous, though there’s not as drastic of an increase in quality from the 2019 Bluray as there might be with other films, since Crimson Peak wasn’t originally filmed in 4k, so it’s an upscale rather than “true 4k”. not a slight against it at all, Crimson Peak is already an incredible looking film that obviously looks beautiful in 4k. the audio is also largely the same, which, again, is fine because the movie already sounds great. but if you’re just upgrading for technical specs then that’s important to know. (got all this info from Jeff Rauseo on Youtube, ty Jeff)

but a lot of people are probably buying for the packaging/inclusions! so i took a bunch of pictures. images look a bit more saturated than they do in real life bc i’m compensating for my shitty camera lol.

the casing is really nice, it has a spine to resemble a book, when you open it up you get these cool splash pages. you pull on the ribbon to remove the second case with the booklet in it (not the disc, which i thought would be in there).

from there, we have four double-sided photo cards showing Edith, Thomas, Lucille, and Alan. the front side is the classic promotional art, i think the back side are new renders? i might be wrong, not sure.

also included is a double-sided mini-poster, again with the front being one of the original theatrical posters, and the back being what i think is a new render. (if anyone wants exact size i can measure it.)

then we have the disc itself! not much to say, some nice art that matches the case. it doesn’t come with a DVD/HD Bluray, so if you have the 2019 Bluray, there’s a reason to hang onto it even if you get this new release.

lastly, the booklet! i LOVE the cover on this thing. i sort of wish one of the sides of the mini-poster was done in a style like the casing/disc/booklet cover, because it looks sick as hell, but i’m probably just going to use the theatrical poster side when/if i hang it.

included a picture of the table of contents! has some interviews and essays, pretty standard for these nicer Arrow releases (i also have the Re-Animator and Bride of Re-Animator boxsets).

can’t include anymore pictures in this post, but i can take some pictures of the inside of the booklet if anyone’s interested!

overall, i am obsessed with this release. Crimson Peak absolutely deserves this kind of technical upgrade, and the care that went into this release is obvious. if you’re a physical media collector, or just a big fan of the movie, i would definitely recommend picking this up!

[ambystoman]

Magellany (Redo) (Nebulite)

Move out of the way, here comes the greatest adventurer in the whole damn galaxy: Magellany!

"Just call me Mag!"

She is brave, strong and... acts before thinking. She gets irritated easily, especially when people get in her way, calling them get-in-the-ways. Magellany is very rude and honest, never holding back on any comments.

She is a Nebulite, a peculiar species of sentient nebulae. Her body composition makes it possible to morph into any form as she wishes. She is not confined to a humanoid body. Her preferred weapon is her trusty Scimistar.

This magical sword is a projection of her soul which is located on her chest, in the shape of a crystal. Her power comes from this object and is also her weak point.

Nebulites have incredible capabilities for Cosmic Magic. While not on the same level as someone like Mr. Sky, they are capable of creating spontaneous life. They do so to help with tasks or do jobs that might be dangerous for them. These rudimentary organisms can last as long as the user needs them to. Their intelligence is very limited though.

Nebulites. Mag and her older sister depicted here

She is not good with this ability though since nobody taught her and so the most she can do is use raw life energy to create primitive beings that she uses as weapons.

In Soul Trail, her special attack is making a little dude that goes in a straight line and damages far away opponents. Once I restart development I plan on adding more of this ability to her move set.

She claims to hear voices from space. Her favorite animals are tarantulas and she really likes long sleeved clothing along with robes.

Random works of her made over the years

Backstory

She lives in a solitary planet with her older sister, Nube. Their parents are long gone and so her sister takes care of her and usually does what is best for her. Mag attends navigation classes at some kind of academy and she hates it there. Often daydreaming of what could be is she were able to sail out into space on a ship of her own with treasures to find, foes to defeat, and people to befriend. All in her own way without anyone telling her what to do.

Beneath all her harshness hides a lonely girl who only wants friends and a life she can have control over. Her short-lived creations are the only creatures who stay by her side.

Her creations only live for minutes. She likes to sit on the roof of her house and talk to them

One day something really big would happen that would change her whole life...

Inspiration

As mentioned in the post, she is a nebula; a space cloud. She is meant to be the Magellanic Cloud (hence her name) and her coloration is taken from NGC 2074. The powers Nebulites have of creating life is a reference to how all planets are born from nebulae, this could eventually lead to the creation of life within these planets.

She was the first character made for this project and has gone through some changes over the years.

NGC 2074. Fun fact, this photo was taken in my birthday! (Photo credit to NASA)

As for her clothes and design, I was really into Kirby at the time and so many of my early designs sort of looked like spacey Kirby-ish inspired creatures.

This was a much needed redo of my first post on Tumblr.

Her very first drawing. Made in 2019. She used to have a sort of visible skull.

Mildly annoyed. Drawn by @blaz-art

Addendum

It just came to me her outfit was totally inspired by Toon Link from The Legend of Zelda along with her proportions and body shape. Idk why I forgot lol.

Pretty busy at the moment still btw, but still making stuff.

[bookishardor]

A Last Journey to Lorien~

Or, A Dream Comes True Again.

In October 2019 I wrote a short blog entry about a course of events that I could owe to a book I pulled from a box in eleven years earlier.

The Ape Who Guards the Balance by Elizabeth Peters set the trajectory of my life on that otherwise unremarkable day, and the knowledge that I simply skipped home none the wiser of how deeply it and its author would affect my life still gives me goosebumps.

I have looked back at that moment countless, and at all the moments that stemmed from it, with elated and sometimes stupefied astonishment. Moments that include choosing to attend Hood College because I read MPM lived in Frederick and had an honorary degree from that institution, pursuing my budding interest in archaeology/art history and Egyptology, and even traveling to Egypt.

After graduating college, I discovered and helped cultivate the most amazing community of fans on Twitter, and through that channel TeamRamses and Beth Mertz, MPM’s daughter. The two of them have been such joys to get to know and talk to on social media, the main forum for the MPM fans I know. It’s not often I run across people who know the books in real life, so being able to talk to fans from around the world online is important to me.

Funnily enough, it is rarer for me to find casual fans of MPM’s work than it is for me to find people who actually knew her.

In 2017 with the launch of The Painted Queen, I met the owner of Wonder Book, Chuck, who had been dear friends with MPM, as well as Ray and Jay, Egyptologists who not only knew MPM, but also purchased and moved into her Frederick home a few years after her death.

Eventually I would come to work at Wonder Book, and in that fateful October of 2019, I was invited to see the house and gardens, MPM’s Lorien.

One might suppose with that jewel in my proverbial crown, that this would be the end of a superbly lovely and incredible tale.

Oh, Dear Reader, it was not the end.

At the end of April of this year, I had the privilege to attend Malice Domestic—an annual conference of mystery writers and readers. TeamRamses and myself were kindly invited by Beth to be a part of the fun in honoring her mother, and while I was only able to be there for that Saturday’s events, I had the most wonderful time.  

I brought along my mother and one of my best friends—my roommate from college actually, so you could say I kind of owe MPM even more for the push that had me attending Hood—and we had a blast listening to the panels and walking the book room. You all likely know how hard it was for me to not snatch up a million books to buy in that room…

And then it was time for the panel. And here is where I met TeamRamses for the first time in person. There is something so special about meeting someone who loves a book series and author just as much as you do, even if online, and then to finally be able to hug and talk face to face. And TeamRamses is so easy to talk to, and so insightful about books and fandom. Chatting with her on the balcony outside later in the evening while we waited for the banquet was delightful. We talked books and television, and brought up all of our favorite topic: Who is your dream Amelia Peabody cast? Maybe we can run a panel on that someday. Or better yet, a panel about a show itself! Wishful thinking, I know.

The authors gathered on the panel for MPM discussed her amazing characters and her lasting influence over their own works. As soon as Gigi Pandian opened the discussion on Amelia, with an introduction along the lines of, “Peters’ most famous and beloved heroine” I felt a suspicious tingling in my eyes. As Amelia might say, just a bit of dust, nothing more!

But truthfully, I felt briefly overwhelmed. It’s been nearly 10 years since MPM’s passing, but being in a roomful of people celebrating her and thinking of Amelia and seeing her so vividly in my mind as I have for 15 years, sort squeezed the breath from me for a second. All of this culminated when we all realized that Barbara Rosenblatt, the voice of Amelia, was in the crowd and graciously answered a fan’s question, and illuminated us all on MPM’s more mischievous side.

When it was time for the banquet later that evening, I was seated at the same table as Gigi Pandian and some of MPM’s old friends; her veterinarian and her husband and son. It definitely still hits me in hindsight, how incredibly lucky I was to have gotten that seat. To be able to talk to an author so influenced by MPM. To hear first-hand accounts from the friends that knew her so well, including a riveting tale involving a treed raccoon and some rather presumptuous hunters. I have added each little detail I’ve picked up from her friends to my ever-increasing regard for the woman. In hearing these stories, I know I am beyond fortunate.

At the next table, Beth and TeamRamses sat with Beth’s family and Chuck. Barbara Rosenblatt was also in their set, and when I turned suddenly to find Chuck standing with her at my side…Reader, you should have seen how wide my eyes got. I could feel them become starry saucers. I shook her hand and thanked her—in my mind for all of the beautiful narration she has done for the Amelia books and beyond—though in reality it probably looked like I was just thanking her for standing next to me. Let’s be honest, I kind of was. Chalk one up for me being completely calm and smooth, certainly. If you ever read this, Barbara, I promise I’m more eloquent when I’m not star-struck!

Unfortunately, I was unable to stay for the entire award ceremony that night, but I took with me so much from that dinner and the people I shared it with. To them I also wish to say, “Thank you.”

The drive home gave me time to reflect. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful gathering of people. What a wonderful woman MPM had been. I turned to my friend, not for the first time that day mind you, and asked, “So when are you gonna read Amelia?”

On the following Sunday I was invited, along with my mother and TeamRamses, to visit Lorien again once more before Ray and Jay move.

Now, as I said before, I’d been to Lorien once, in the fall of 2019. But coming around that corner and seeing the house on that little rise again…

At this rate, I feel most everyone has seen photos of the house and gardens. I don’t know if I could paint that same scene with words that can’t be gleaned from those images. If you have not seen the photos, you can likely Google the real-estate listing, or find it on the Facebook fan page: Another Shirt Ruined. I recommend it; they’re a feast for the eyes.

Nothing I say could do it justice, but there are a few things that can’t be extricated from photos, and I’ll do my best to explain here.

Once the visual beauty and appeal of the home has settled around you the next thing you notice is the scent. In fact, you may notice it as soon as you enter the solarium, but the architecture and bright glass walls of the room dazzle, where the smell calms. It permeates the air until you can’t help but pay attention, until it ensconces itself in your memory. Weeks later and I can still recall it; I think I always will be able to.

I’m not exactly sure what it was entirely. Lavender, undoubtedly, as Jay had it hanging in the kitchen, but also the earthy smells of the garden and trees outside. And perhaps, the stone itself imparted a lingering trace of aroma. The overall effect was dreamy and sweet and I could only imagine many a quiet, rainy day in that room, sipping coffee and dozing while the rain ran down the windows and accentuated the smell of the air.  

The next thing you notice is the love.

It’s in the very bones of that house. It’s in MPM’s desk and chair that were still in situ. It’s in the bookshelves and artwork and posters that were still hanging in the rooms and up the stair case. It’s in the custom Egyptian murals of the bathroom and the tiles on the kitchen floor and backsplash. And of course, it’s in the gardens; where beloved pets were buried and where so much time and care was given to creating a paradise. It’s in the stories I heard about gatherings and exploits her friends and family recalled.

And that’s where the love was most. In the people that gathered at the open house that day.

As we all walked the rooms of the home, listening to Beth and asking questions, I know we all fell into pockets of personal reverie. Where we could just imagine the life of the woman who’d lived there, who’d filled each room with her blazing personality. It felt like that I had actually met her before, in a sense. And it felt like I could turn a corner and find her there, petting a cat or tending a plant, or writing away at her desk.

After a tour of the house, TeamRamses, my mother, and I took a turn through the garden, ruminating on all the reasons why it would be so easy to never leave the property. It’s simply idyllic, even in the misty weather of that day.

And love was to be found lastly in the performance given by Barbara Rosenblatt.

As a delightful treat for all of us, before she had to drive back up to NYC, Barbara read an except from The Curse of the Pharaohs, the second book in the Amelia Peabody series. Fans will know the scene well—where Amelia and Emerson return to Evelyn’s to collect their progeny…little baby Walter Peabody Emerson.

Ramses, to those of us who know him best.

It was surreal to stand there in MPM’s home and listen to Barbara read. I’m still in a daze thinking about it. A little teary, too. I never gave audio books the time of day until I thought to try the Amelia recordings as a reread method. And to hear her voice come alive in the home where so many of the stories were written? To hear Emerson bellow and Evelyn laugh, to hear baby Ramses proclaim in somber, serious tones, “it is a femuw. A femuw of a winocowus…”

I have said before that somewhere in my mind and heart, I am always in the desert of Amarna with Amelia and Emerson. The first book in the series is my favorite for so many reasons, least of which is the nostalgia and peace it brings me. My original copy is well loved, and I know pieces of it by heart. Part of me is sitting with them at the fire, looking at the stars and listening to the jackals, chiding Walter and Evelyn’s young love, and scoffing at Lucas. Part of me is always snickering at the feelings brewing between Amelia and Emerson, even as he sets his own pocket on fire and she bosses him around.

In the same vein, I know part of me will always be standing in that solarium with MPM’s nearest and dearest, listening to Barbara read. The smell of lavender, rain, and stone in the air, the sound of all our laughter, and the sense of MPM just out of eyeshot, chuckling with us all.

I write my own story, from time to time. I’m not very disciplined with it, at least, not as much as I used to be. I have varying feelings about it, and I don’t imagine it will ever be much more than a tale of my own whimsy. But I do feel like every time I add even a little bit to it, that I’m adding to a love letter to MPM. And I do think I could add endlessly to a love letter to MPM. Writing my story, reading her books, talking to fans and friends on Twitter—it’s my way of saying thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over to an author I owe so much to.

So does the story end with the last visit to Lorien, the last glimpse into the sanctuary of a woman I can only wish to have met? Maybe. But so many things have happened these last 15 years that can find threads trailing back to my decision to read that book.

I can’t wait to see where she leads me next.

[catboyhizashi]

My freshly collected thoughts about season two of good omens. (Not spoiler free!!)

First off, the negatives bc I need to talk about why I loved this season but before that, oh man.

I think you can really feel a decline in the quality of the dialog. Of course the characters were still fun and the banter works but I just feel like it was much simpler? Not everywhere, but there were some scenes where I did specifically noticed it. I also felt like the pacing was....irritating. The last episode ended up being jam-packed with so many things and some early episodes felt like they were dragged out, without any story happening. I missed some form of look back at the story from season one, it felt a bit disconnected but then again years have passed so it didn't bother me that much. Now the ending. My first reaction was why the hell was it necessary?? My prediction to this season was that through the parallel of Maggie and Nina our sweet sweet ineffable husbands would realize that oh!! they're also in love. I won't go into too much detail about what I thought would happen bc basically none of it came true lmao but I really did think we'd get them a happy although complicated ending. In the last scene, Aziraphale did feel like he regressed right back into his season 1, early season self. I'm not saying his decision and actions feel completely disconnected from his overall character but their arc this season was so sweet, they really showed how much they relied on each other (carved it out for ourselves and everything). And in this context I feel like he wouldn't have abandoned Crowley like that. And I know Aziraphale holds so many complicated feelings towards heaven, they just felt so much closer than that. But alas. The angst is beautifully painful, I have to admit.

Now the good part!

I am so happy we got to see pre-fall Crowley :") (he is never beating the babygirl allegations). Also I cannot believe their meetcute was the creation of our universe 😭. The historical flashbacks own my heart, I was very happy we got so many of them. Especially the Job part, it gave so much more context to their relationship and to me put a lot of what we see even in season one in a new and exciting perspective. They acted so incredibly married the whole season 😔 Crowley taking care of the bookshop, giving him the car, CROWLEY SMILING ABOUT NINA AND MAGGIE ??? he was so adorable. The fact that Aziraphale knows how much it means to Crowley to look after him????? All of these things just made the ending more painful but they were very well done. You also can't analyze this season without talking about the acting. John Hamm was amazing, memory loss Gabriel was so funny I wish he had a little more room to play with this situation but we obviously can't have everything. David and Michael were amazing per usual. Their dynamic is so incredible, the way they use a certain voice for these characters, the little mannerisms and facial expressions I loved in season one absolutely return and are maybe turned up to a 150% and I loved every minute of it. You can really tell that they wanted us to feel how well these two idiots work together, and just how much they care about one another. Their flashbacks and the way they talk to each other still makes me smile, and gives you that sort kf warm feeling. Like it'd be nice to be around them.

To summarize, I'm not completely happy with how this season played out and some of the creative decisions are foggy to me but it got me right back at 2019, being excited and emotional. I missed this show so much, I love these characters so much and I cannot wait to see where season 3 takes us. (BC THERE WILL BE A SEASON 3 STREAM IT PEOPLE STREAM. IT.)

[corneliushickey]

dear @shinelikethunder tagged me to post eight tv shows to get to know me ~

under a cut because a) i did this with director’s commentary and b) i got too into this and it’s embarrassing

this exercise also made me wish that the tag was about eight movies because i really struggled to think of eight tv shows... i have definitely WATCHED more than eight tv shows in my lifetime, but it’s hard to name eight that have had a significant enough impact on me that i would show them to someone as a get to know me exercise, whereas i can think of like a dozen movies off hand that like, showing them to someone else feels like cutting my chest open and letting them root around in between my organs

okay, on to the tag! it’s organized by year the tv show came out because i am incapable of ranking things by how much i like them/they mean to me

good omens (2019); amazon

do you know how embarrassing this is to admit? 

i fully didn’t like the majority of this show because newt and anathema mean nothing to me and i hate being made to look at children

but crowley and aziraphale did something to me, man. on a molecular level. i got got. extremely got. i’m moving this week and tonight had the pleasure of taking everything down off my walls and a solid 30% of my wall space (which is a full coverage collage of stuff) is aziraphale and crowley prints... they inprinted on me in a way that i simply cannot justify nor explain. i have watched the intro to episode 3 more times than i can even attempt to count. it’s heinous. i’m serious.

the terror, season 1 (2018); amc

says tumblr user cornelius hickey...

the terror is a show i feel very comfortable telling people about because while i love it dearly and it means a lot to me, it’s a great example of craft and technical accomplishment, but it doesn’t hit any raw emotional wounds the way a lot of my most cherished media does. it’s just so technically well executed, an absolute masterclass of horror. it says and does so much in such a tight run. it is emotionally devastating and brilliantly written. it is hopeless and painful and dense.

i have a 3ft x 5ft print of an oil painting of cornelius hickey custom framed in my room. its haunting eyes will likely be moving to my office in the new place. he is a character that like very singularly stands out to me as one of the most incredible combinations of writing and performance i have ever seen on film.

i want this url buried with me when i die like digitally encoded onto my corpse

mindhunter (2017); netflix

this is another example where the show is just really really technically well crafted. beautifully written, acted, and filmed. i loooove a period piece and this one really captures a very specific time and place. plus it scratches my thomas harris itch because hannibalverse made me fond of quanitco stories at a young age

bill/holden is a whole ‘nother level

i want to study holden like a bug, and in fact i have!! the fic i’m most proud of is an intense play by play pov of his psychosexual hangups and while i only got halfway through writing it before the hyperfixation left me forever... i am still very proud of its concept and execution

true detective, season 1 (2014); hbo

another absolutely incredible example of television as a craft

this one though does get a little personal so while i recommend it to people often i am needlessly touchy about how people receive it because it hurts my feelings if they’re stupid about it

rust cohle you will always be famous!!

seven of its eight episodes really really really satisfy my need for hopeless, nihilistic media that wallows in its own despair and then episode eight always comes and bites through both my kneecaps with the blinding light of hope, the beatific face of god, the soul barring power of faith

hannibal (2013 - 2016); nbc

what is there to say, really?

if i loved it less i could talk about it more

the borgias (2011 - 2013); showtime

i literally almost didn’t submit my college applications because i was in a horrific depression hole watching and rewatching this show alone in my room in the dark for weeks on end. 

another show i watched at a very delicate time in my life but i have rewatched it since then and it 20000000% holds up, once again, as an exercise in the craft of television

a lot of the themes in this show really helped shape my own interests in media going forward

micheletto corella is really really really precious to me and the one thing i will never forgive this show for is how they handled his and cesare’s divorce because it is thematically inconsistent that cesare’s reaction to finding out micheletto was keeping a long line of secret curly haired brunette boyfriends half his age was anything other than scathing jealousy and extremely loud protest. like it’s just unrealistic that his reaction would have been anything but “why have you been fucking me by proxy when i have been desperate to fuck you for years” and the fight would’ve been really ugly and cesare would have lost because he’s not very good at fighting and then, well :) then 

house m.d (2004 - 2012); fox

absolutely humiliating

i was nine when this show premiered and watched it at a very delicate time in my development

the fucking unreal levels of 2000s homophobia did a psychological number on me as a very very gay child living in a violently homophobic environment

literally one of the worst shows ever put to television, and also, of course, one of the best

hugh laurie can still hit me up whenever

the twilight zone (1959 - 1964)

obviously didn’t watch this one while it aired lmao but back when it was on netflix in its entirety i watched it a few times start to finish

one of the all-time greats of american tv and a lovely comforting thing to have on in the background

rod serling is also welcome to hit my line

this show is still very much a cornerstone of how a lot of sci-fi and horror that came after it are done, and for good reason! being as those are two of my favorite genres, this is of course a staple of my tv loves

i tag @vincentpriceofficial @thegleamoftheknife @daemons @coweyed @awildwickedslip @voxceleste @intomyth @coffeeandorange

[single-malt-scotch]

thinking abt how cleo was saying shed come back to tumblr if she won the poll did have me thinking like, id really hope itd in the end be her own real choice and not just like. something she joked to say and then 'oh oof, now i really do have to return even though i didnt want to' kinda deal. like i wasnt here Around when the 2019 thing happened n cleo left but it hung around this fandom enough i quickly learned about all that.... and i have seen some pretty shit ways people have interacted with hermits on here in the past. incredibly embarrassing to watch! and feels bad knowing they deal w that. and by no means would i ever encourage them to return unless they really wanted to and knew they could avoid the crappy people. its not possible for me to say "its better than before!" because er, it isnt necessarily. because those kinds of shitty people will be around. so many people just do not behave around creators.

but anyways tumblr is not your cool underground fandom club where nothing you say will ever be seen, youre posting on a public platform. it WILL be seen whether you like it or not, and while its anyone responsibility to avoid looking for those things, it also is totally within someone's right to go and look at the thing no matter how much you wish they didnt.

also youre stupid as hell if you decide to get mad at a creator themself for saying they dont mind the shipping and to just not look at it if you dont like it. there is truley nothing you can do about people who ship, it doesnt matter how much you want to fight them. your time is better spent elsewhere bc no ones going to stop the shipping and above all it is very much not a good move to try and shit on creator's themselves for deciding where their stance is on the matter... when the ships Literally involve them

[breserker]

mystery horror theater bre-thousand 1

because if i go on another movie binge without filling this out first i'll have defeated my own purpose

THE OTHER DAY i watched three filmmmsssssss if you can call it that -- Smile (2022), Day of the Reaper (1984), and Savage Weekend (1978). this is my first time doing this under a name and i guess i should give them number ratings but what i may rank very high might get me slaughtered on sight, you'll see what i mean

SMILE (2022) (TW: Suicide, self-harm, THE CAT DOES NOT MAKE IT)

At the behest of a friend, I jumped in to watch this movie -- I enjoy doing that, very little fucks me up and I like keeping an eye out for people horror-wise. Overall? It was incredibly good. It had the tense anxiety of Invisible Man (2020), where there's a lot of focus on the mental deterioration of a woman in a world that doesn't believe her, surrounded in a blanket of the first scene of Midsommar (2019) where it shows a pretty ugly side of certain traits of mental illnesses such as mania and psychosis. And it should, the main character works in a psychiatric emergency hospital, and does so to the point of detriment that I would call self-harm. I've been there, working so hard you wreck yourself, y'know?

By about halfway through it became obvious that was also a monster movie, and while I can see some people turning their nose at that, I think I really needed that aspect to follow through with the movie without feeling beaten down with misery and anxiety. The monster in question operates similarly to It Follows (2014) but instead of being passed on by sex it's passed on through sharing the trauma of witnessing a suicide. The monster itself reminded me a lot of BOB from Twin Peaks, there is a beautiful scene recreating BOB scaling the couch while smiling. It's then that I realized that the first person to die was named Laura. Yeah I see you...I see you...!!!

The theme in the movie is the chain of trauma passed from person to person and viscerally affecting those already with past traumas. I deeply enjoyed its execution and how this was a monster movie...I do wish, however, it ended a little bit differently. While the message that trauma never truly leaves you is there, I was hoping for a different, bittersweet ending instead of the bad end the movie provided. It felt tacked on or changed at the last minute. 4.5/5

~~

DAY OF THE REAPER (1984)

buddy oh man oh MAN BUDDY IF YOU LOVE REALLY SHITTY INDIE HOME FILMS SHOT ON A SHODDY SUPER 8 CAMERA WITH THE WORST ADR DUBBING YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE, with every treat a bad movie has to offer, THIS IS YOUR FILM and you can watch it FOR FREE on YouTube RIGHT NOW and then come back and punch me in the face. I was HOWLING with laughter. I got a friend also enthusiastic about bad movies to watch it and HE loved it TOO. i have to gather more people to watch this gem, and if you stick with it and think it's boring keep going because the conclusion is so wildly out of this world and so strangely done that it'll hopefully bring glee and joy to you too. CLEAR AND AWAY 5/5

~~

SAVAGE WEEKEND (1978)

I was running out of steam by this point because laughing at Day of the Reaper put my lungs in a state, but this is a slasher from the years in between Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th. I've seen many many slashers that follow the tropes of horny teens boning it in woods (but strangely a white girl usually dies first! I donno where the Black guy trope comes from--but then they're rarely in these films ANYWAY so whatever). But here, it's a bunch of really messy adults with crossed desires, separation/divorcees not knowing what they want out of love at this point, horny adult looking for any tail they can get, et cetera. It honestly was a refreshing break from all of the giggly teen stuff--I'd be far and away more interested to see more like this in the future.

The editing was cut really quick in a lot of areas and the film's pacing at times makes it feel like a rushed project, it needed a finer tooth comb on both fronts. The quality wasn't great but I was pleased to see a flamboyantly charming Christopher Allport give the nasty queer bitch role his all. The twist was pretty meh, I wish there was more fallout action between Mac and the divorcee (just get nasty with it! it's the 70's let's go!) I might be interested to see this again but probably not, it gets this score just for the novelty of horny adults with horny adult problems in a slasher film: 3/5