#but thats is an whole other bag of issues which would needs its own post

[norsesuggestions]

renoku replied to your post “mood trying to watching swedish news”

What are the issues around Swedish schools? Is it similar to the politics in America (minus the violence)?

no, not at all. i think anyway. i can’t say i got a perfect overview on usa school politics really. but because the swedish school system is very different form the usa i doubt its the same debate.

the arguments are all about which type of structural approach the different parties want to have to swedish school system. it should be noted, all schools in sweden are financed via tax - money, and therefore to different degrees under direct state control (although there is a difference between kommunal skola and friskola, but that is for the advanced course of swedish school system ;P).

so ANYWAY

there is some basic differences to the approach to school politics in the different swedish parties. now the swedish parliment got 8 parties (i think... honestly, i am bad at remebering numbers, dyscalculia), so going through all of their stand points would be. too much and too long.

simplified, and with no regard to whatsoever to what some swedish politicans or another said last week about this forever over - talked subject, but on basic ideological outlook

the democratic socialists (and the enviroment party which can never make up it mind of were they stand)

socialdemokraterna (the socialist democrats)

the social democratic party typically want the same school system for the entire population. no private and/or indepent schools. but most important, everyone should go out with the same knowledge from school EVEN from secondary school (which is not obligatoric). the core value here is that all kids should be able to use the grades from their secondary school to go to uni. therefore the social democratic party is traditionally against things like secondary school which teaches one a (working class) proffesion, because the consider that too deepen class divide among the population.

the socialdemocratic ideal of the school was (historically, this is kinda oldish now) to use the school to minimaze class. that (used) to be the core of their politics. therefore private schools was actually ,with a few exception, illegal in sweden in the past. also, one were not allowed to choice which school your kids went to blahblah

(this was like 20+ years ago. it should be noted that the socialdemocratic party both build AND then later deregulated the school system. they kinda, changed their view majorly on this subject in the 1990s..... but god lets not get into THAT. so messy, so much. they were actually the ones that made the school go from state goverend, to locally goverend forexemple... also there is so much Problematic Things to discuss about the difference between the social democratic parties officals ideals about education and their actual politics historically, but i digress)

ANYWAY LETS MOVE ON

vänsterpartiet (the left party)

after deregulation of the swedish school system the schools can now be run by capitalist companies which earn profit. and because all swedish school is tax financed it means that that those indepent schools (börsnoterade friskolor) get their profit from swedish tax money. this makes, vänsterpartiet (=the left party. also democratic socialists, but more socialist than the democratic socialist.), mad. so mad. 

vänsterpartiet party leader Jonas Sjöstedt thinks the entire “private capitlist companies making profit from tax money that should really be spend on the kids” thing is the worst thing that ever happened (well, second worst, after being betrayed by prime minister löfven, that backstabbing player). i do agree with this. but they have been saying this now for about 8 years, so. i am not feeling up for hearing it again, even if jonas sjöstedt got a very calming voice.

Miljöpartiet (the enivorment party)

miljöpartier (the enviroment party) which is also in the goverment (with the socialdemocrats), most likely have some kind off view, i have not looked it up. historically they used to support the existence of independ schools (friskolor), which vänsterpartiet heavily disliked (vänster historically wanting all schools to be in the same state goverend system. but i  am not up to date on their current view on this).

the liberal and conservative block, the right - wing parties. (its considered the same block in sweden yes....)

more grades, more possibilites to make profit in school, even more grades, tougher school, dreams about a “golden socialdemocratic” epoch of education that never existed.

becuase of this, that they are conservative in such a way that they want to GO BACK to the past of education, they amusingly sometimes sound MORE socialist about education than the social democratic party.

fellow peoples of sweden, remember that time the liberal party wanted to make the school state run again? (the liberal party in sweden has a problem with remebering the meaning of the word liberal.....) 

as swedish satirist ola söderholm said in the podcast lilla drevet: “because the swedish right - wing is competing in reconstructing a false image of 1950s sweden, they are starting to sound like classic communists. now they are suggesting to build up class rooms in such a way that there is a totally even amount of kids form different socio-economic classes in the class room. if a school has too many poor kids, just close down that school! if there goes no upper class kids in a school, just grap some of those kids and move them to a school with poor kids.

at this pace, the socialists do not need to do anything, just sit and lean back, while the liberals tries to build one of those really ineffective state - controlled detailed plans for the entire school system”.

the liberal party (folkpartiet, liberalerna)

the have a very hard time remebring what liberal means, appear to believe it means “conservative, really fucking conservative”. Jan Björklund, their party leader, is obsessed with school. OBSESSED. i hate him intensly, he was the school minister in sweden during my teenage years, and his face brings rage to my heart.

he is also into “more grades, more demands on kids, more homework, more everything”. his own merits for having all these views on school? he is a former soldier in the swedish army.............................................................

(he got no clue what he talking about)

the centre party (centerpartiet)

called the centre party, is actually the most neoliberal party in the swedish right - wing. confusing. former farmer party.... an oddball party

their view on school? i have no idea. a educated guess “making profit from school via tax money is an utopia”. thats a guess but *shrug*

the moderate party (moderaterna)

moderaterna, who are called the moderate party but are liberal - conservative, be like: “same education for EVERYONE in sweden? EVEN the working class? working class at university? what is this?”

ok, if i am being a bit less biased haha, there big thing is that one should be able to choose if one wants to go to a secondary school education which gives one acces to university or not. basically, they want to have 2 school system, one secondary school if one wants higher education afterwards and 1 secondary school if one wants to learn a trade. in their model trade secondraty school do not give acces to univeristy. in the social democratic model trade secondrary school still exist, but it ALSO gives you the same acces to university as not going to a secondrary school that teaches you a trade.

the christian democrats (kristdemokraterna)

i have no fucking idea, this party sucks and i refuse learning things about it. (also i have getting tired writing this up haha)

the neo - nazi block (who would like us to call them “nationalistic social - conservative”. pfft. they are neo - nazis)

swedens democratic party (sverigedemokraterna)

they are neo - nazis, they probably have some populistic and racist idea. who cares, fuck sverigedemokraterna and their 13% in swedens parliament.

and that is a very messy and quickly typed describtion off school politics in sweden.

oh also i forgot, the reason they are all so very obsessed with school politics? sweden is not number 1 in “the best schools in the world” ranking by blahabla whatever their name is. such things, swedish politics consider UNACCPTLE and a FAILURE, and CRISIS. seriously, we are not even close to the bottom. and way above usa in ranking forexemple. but swedish politics always want to be the literally number 1 in the world. (finland is number 1 btw, which just makes swedish politician ever more obsessed with the entire thing)

basically swedish politics won’t let any of us rest form swedish school discourse, until swedish school kids are ranked as number 1 in the world. before then, they will talk talk talk talk about it.

*me falling over from pure boredom just thinking about swedish school discourse*

@renoku

[lucy90712]

Dream- face reveal

wc- 1971 

Warnings: use of dreams real name

~ I have been friends with this guy on the internet Dream for about 5 years now, we talk all the time but we have never met in person and I have never seen his face. He doesn't show his face on the internet and I've never asked so it just never happened, he knows what I look like all too well because I like sending him stupid selfies and we FaceTime in the middle of the night all the time.

We have been trying to meet in person for years but things keep getting in the way and changing our plans first family issues, then a hurricane and then a whole pandemic. Despite all of this we have finally set a date to meet which is not going to change not for anything or anyone. It's going to be a big day or should I say month, as insane as it sounds I'm going to move in with Dream and Sapnap one of our other friends for a little while to really make this trip worth it even if it only lasts that long.

The process has been difficult because for me to get to Florida I need to get a plane which requires me to get tested before I fly and for my own piece of mind I have been strictly quarantining for the past two weeks but its finally here. I fly out tomorrow morning. I went and got tested yesterday and got my negative result today which I need to get on the plane.

I've been packing all day today because to be there for a month I need a bunch of my set up and cameras so that my content doesn't just stop but then I also need clothes and I can't seem to get both things to fit quite right.

At one point my phone started ringing but there was a mountain of stuff everywhere so I had to dig around to find it and when I did I saw that it was a FaceTime call from Dream, I picked up and immediately put my phone down to get on with my 5th attempt at packing.

"Yo hows it going?" Dream asked

"I'd say pretty average right now I'm super excited for tomorrow but my bag is giving me a hell of a fight" I replied

"Prop your phone up and I'll try and help" he said

I did as I was told and got my small tripod to rest my phone in where you could see what I was looking at. Honestly it was a mess and I was kind of embarrassed but Dream didn't need to know that and besides my face wasn't in frame so he couldn't see how embarrassed I was. I attempted putting everything in a slightly different way to last time which seemed to work until it came to fitting in my tripod and my wash bag of which there was no room for.

"Fuck sake I thought I had it then" I raged slightly

"Ok take out the webcam and forget about the tripod because I have ones that you can use and then try because I think that should give you enough room" he said

"Hell yeah thanks dream" I said after zipping up the suitcase

I flopped back on the floor tired from the minimal amounts of effort I had put in today which just shows how incredibly unfit I am. I recovered before getting up and moving my phone to my desk where I sat to talk to Dream.

We talked for a while until Sapnap came in and I talked to him for a little while, he's been living with Dream for a few months so he warned me about a few things like you don't wake Dream up which I took note of and he told me that Dream will just come and sit in your stream. Eventually they had to leave so I was left on my own to just kind of chill until it was an acceptable time to go to sleep.

Skip to the morning

I woke up at 5am when my alarm went off, I have a love hate relationship with my alarm because I only ever use it when I have something going on which is exciting but the sound makes me want to throw my phone out the window. Despite my annoyance I got up and went straight to the bathroom to shower and get dressed, I thought about wearing something nice but then I realised I had a 5 hour flight and I couldn't bare the thought of being sat down for that long not in comfy clothes. My comfy outfit consisted of leggings and one of my ex boyfriends hoodies because I never gave it back and I'm over it enough to just wear the hoodie whenever I want.

At just before 6 I got in my Uber to head to the airport seeing as my flight was at around 8 it would be wise to get there early. I wasn't sure how busy the airport would be seeing as you aren't meant to travel but I don't think I've ever seen an airport that wasn't busy.

I made it to the airport and as I assumed it wasn't heaving but there was still a fair amount of people around. I made my way through the crowds and checked in for my flight before heading through security and then making it to the main part of the airport. That part was less busy as there is more space for people to spread out into which made me much less anxious about people being too close. I had a little while to wait for my flight so I went and got some food because I haven't eaten today, and I don't want to end up with a headache.

When it was time for my flight to board I went to the gate and got straight into my seat watching as more people boarded but not as many as I expected, it was clear that all of the people on the flight had a good reason to be going to Florida and not just going on holiday and no one was sat together so all rules were being adhered to.

My flight landed 5 hours later and everyone filed off the plane going there own way leaving me kind of lost in a place that I wasn't used to and with the anxiety of going to meet Dream for the first time. I had a bit longer to wait because I had to get an Uber to the house even though dream offered to come and pick me up I told him not to because the less people at the airport the better and just incase people recognised me I didn't want him to accidentally face reveal.

I collected my suitcase and went straight out to the car park to get in my uber who was waiting just outside the doors in the designated area for taxis. As soon as I got in the car I text Dream letting him know I was on my way and sharing my location just in case things went south.

My uber stopped outside this one house and I got out walking up the drive taking in the house number to make sure I was at the right place which I was. Thats when the nerves really kicked in, I was about to meet one of my best friends in person for the first time. This is so insane to think that after all there years we get to do all the stupid things friends do.

I got to the door and rang the doorbell waiting the few excruciating seconds before I heard movement behind it indicating that there was someone there. It opened slowly and the first person I saw was sapnap who of course I was excited to see but we have talked properly on FaceTime before so I already know what he looks like.

Next another person popped up behind pushing sapnap out the way and giving me a hug straight away I knew it had to be dream but he ran over so quick that I didn't get to take in anything other than the fact he was hugging me. He pulled away and I got to look at his face, he looked pretty much exactly how I thought he would from the descriptions I have heard. As much as wavy length doesn't sound like a thing it somehow fit his hair and his eyes were also super green, he was definitely taller than I expected though this man towered over me like it was nothing and could definitely push me to the ground in a second but he looked kind just how you want a friend to be.

After a few minutes of freaking out that this was actually happening they let me inside and gave me a tour of the house showing me my room and the set up they had put together for me with a webcam and tripod just like dream said. They finished off the tour before I was made to sit and play whatever game they wanted with them.

We played an assortment of games for hours on end before we ordered food for dinner which we ate all chilling on the sofa. I almost forgot that my followers didn't know I was here but when I remembered I stole patches from dream and got him to take a picture of me with her to post on twitter and Instagram because people would get it without me having to explain. Not much of a grand reveal considering Sapnap did the same when he got here but I didn't really have any other ideas I mean its not like I can just do dream's face reveal for him with a picture on my twitter can I. The response to my tweet was insane within minutes people had got it trending and they were freaking out with all sorts of theories of if I'd officially moved in or if I was just visiting although both were kind of right.

Having spent a few hours here now I feel very at home they boys are really welcoming making sure I'm all good and not too tired after my flight which of course I am but sleep is for the weak so I'll wait. I have been told to call the two of them by their real names unless its on stream which feels kind of odd because I'm use to calling them what their know by despite knowing their real names the whole time. They have given me a nickname which I now go by to make it fair.

It was sad when the day came to an end when we all decided it was best to get some sleep even though I think their going to stay up and they said it for my own sake because I've been yawning non stop for the past 2 hours but either way I'm going to go to sleep and this day (one of the best days of my life) will become that of a memory.

Although I don't think this day could have gone any better its consisted of everything I've ever wanted to have in a friend but none of my friends back home if you can call them friends are into the same things as me so it never works out. Now I have two friends who share the same interests and have the same god awful sleep schedule so we can stay up messing around together if we want to which is what life as a 20 year old should be like. Fun.

[sepialunaris]

Besides the crazy stupid plot twist and dumb character actions I think the big problen why Jurassic World is a failure of a narrative is that it constantly confuses its own tone and what idea it wants to convey. And as a whole it just sounds like singing praises to capitalism and pinning problems on other aspects instead of the root of the problem.

So JW is said to have been open for 15 years, and its said people are bored with classic InGen retrosaurs hence initiating the creation of Indominus, and yet from the other perspective people are enjoying the retrosaurs just fine? It is not even hinted a bit that they did not not enjoy them besides that bit of exposition.

And our audience perspective character doesn't work. Gray and Zach seems to come from a middle-upper class family and yet they never visited the park for years despite having a family member as a high level staff? Knowing their son is obsessed with dinosaurs? And the only reason they were sent there was because it was an excuse to cover up their parent's divorce? In the case of Darius Bowman from CC it makes sense, but this is weird. It's kind of nitpicky, but okay my point is, what makes them ineffective is that they are new eyes to the park and Zach cannot represent "ahh ppl who already seen this many times get inspired to see the beauty of ugly 1993 retrosaurs" because he has never been there either. So its just weird to include their POV when it deosnt complement the Indominus narrative and if it does it feels forced and loose.

And its more bizarre when the movie seems to be more obsessed with showing "oh my god look at this capitalist paradise! John Hammond's gentrification deeam fulfilled!" and panning on random buildings and starbucks with the Jurassic Park theme. Besides "do you have dinosaurs in your dinosaur park" it just wooshes the anti-capitalist social commentary of JP, more crazy when its loads of product placement. I know that they did plan a panning shot with dinosaurs which would've been effective and narratively fitting rather than *pan to giant building* so idk why they even did that. And so idk if this movie wants to criticize capitalism and consumerism combined with the privatizing of the genetics could give way to ethical and environmental issues or do they want to say "god powers are allowed for capitalists if they are nice" (ahh and based on leaks for JWD, its the latter. They made John Hammond a messiah for protecting his unethical business from the 'bad capitalists' omg)

There's also the issue of 'authentic' dinosaurs (hence why I keep mentioning retrosaurs from the start 😂, i want to talk about this too). The scene with Wu and Masrani works, but ultimately the whole movie fails it. It is lifted from one of the few good scenes from the oroginal movel with Wu and Hammond, and concerns about how ALL dinosaurs from this park are genetic hybrids from the start. And well it would've worked well to explore the ethics and capitalism approach but honestly with the whole movie as comparison it just sounds like "guys this is the reason why they are not realistic and feathered please dont ask us about it again." The fact that they are hybridized retrosaurs get ignored and thrown under the rug besides that one scene, and we never again explore how unnatural all of them are as the movie time to time again keeps promoting a division between "legit" dinosaurs and Indominus, the character Lowery keeps pushing. And the latter... aslo shows how much they want to praise the first park and John Hammond despite it being a metaphor of capitalism failing from wanting to conquer nature, despite it being the exact same thing as modern JW. "They didnt need these hybrids they only had real dinosaurs" is already an errornous statement since all of them were frog hybrids, so if its wrong... what was the point of bringing it up? JP didn't just fail because Dennis Nedry sabotaged it, it was bound to fail for its attempt to control nature as Ian said. However JW attributes the singular creation of Indominus as the reason for its failure (and by attribute hoo boy how many plotholes did they engineer to pin it the blame. Suddenly it knows its being thermally monitored? Or does it just releases electromagnetic energy to make ppl around it dumb or jam cellphones, god im rambling), and if they continued making retrosaurs it would've been fine? So what was the message? "Its okay to mix dinosaur dna with frogs but don't add to much to the mixture"? "Its okay to play god with capitalism but dont go too far"? Instead of mentioning both concepts as unethical and the concept of Indominus as an already flawed concept pushed even more unethically, the increasing level of tolerance for playing god already shows a shift of morals from the JP and JW. So once again its 'capitalism is actually good, its just the evil ppl thats the problem'

It honestly just erases the brilliant potential of how that narrative could be engaged. Of course its obvious the park would want to promote their retrosaurs as legit and Indominus as a different flavor despite both being hybrids but the latter being pushed to the max, so both of them are bound to have intersecting problems. However not everyone would've been fooled by such promotion. And yet from our POV only Wu was aware of it; the view of them as retrosaurs is treated as an understatement to be ignored as we are only allowed to see things and agree with opinions from the POV of Lowery or the kids against Hoskins' cartoony "lets convince our president to use dinos to steal oil" idea.

It could've honestly touched on many aspects of de-extinction or concepts like the Chickenosaurus, as well as the complex moral dillema around many genetic issues, but the movie just wants to shy away from it and impose a black and white morality of "Indominus bad unnatural" and "retrosaurs good natural." Not unnesary military commentary that doesn't work (dinosaur's effect in the environment would be more devastating than them acting as military weapons so pro-US imperialists can be proud (one bullet will kill them, I swear yeah ik this is a 'scifi' franchise, but the logic hoops you need to jump from that. One raptor died from getting hit by a rocket launcher as they should. So what US wants to use these bags of flesh as weapons to steal oil? There is nothing they can do that dogs or dolphins can't do better). The only time its kinda shown is when Indominus is killing Apatosaurus for fun, but... real animals like humans, dolphins, chimps do that too. And the movie treats this as something unnatural or makes it evil. Scorpios rex despite being ugly actually accomplishes the ecological horror of having an invasive creature invade an ecosystem (despite the ecosystem itself alr being flawed and superficially created) and being able to reproduce through parthenogenesis). And I doubt they would touch on this in JWD despite the variance of animals they will show, as even Atrociraptor is not going to be called out by name in that film, that they can change its name in post production.

[wlw-lovestruck-fiction]

This is the last ask ill send because im honestly tired of this whole thing

I dont know why you brought up the anon hate you got when that’s no part of the discussion. Even if it isnt your intention, you’re making yourself out of to be the victim when you arent. You say you want to get better but each time something gets pointed out you get on the defensive. I dont know why you decided to bring it up, but now that you have: Piama is indeed whitewashed on your drawing. “Warm lighting” doesnt change peoples undertones like that. Compare it to Piama’s last two cgs if you really don’t believe me.

Even if you aren’t affected, you need to be able to recognize it without poc having to tell you in order to be a good ally. I wouldn’t want a straight friend that lets people make homophobic comments about me in their presence and then hear them say “it doesn’t affect me so i couldnt tell it was homophobic so thats why i didnt defend you”. If you aren’t able to recognize it then you’ll inevitably repeat the same rhetoric. Racist rhetoric is everywhere and spewed every single day so you cant expect poc to be with you all the time and take you by the hand to tell you whats racist or not. Those are the reasons why you need to learn how to identify it by yourself, be listening to poc, by developing critical thinking skills, by not surrounding yourself with only white people. If not there’ll be more unchallenged asks such as one i saw recently that pinned poc that complained about yet another white route “stupid because they dont get that lovestruck releases routes by demand”. As if we have no concept of nuance.

No one is obliged to accept an apology, especially after what happened. I dont know where you got that idea from, especially when it concerns something that hurts people this deeply. And I didn’t point it out what happened just to be petty, I pointed it out because it isn’t an isolated event but a pattern of behavior of unchecked racist comments. That was simply the worst case: It was handled poorly, considering mod viv herself never apologized and again, swept it under the rug. The apology I saw from mod wrath was vague, didnt address the situation directly, was posted on this blog so no one knew what was going on, and was later deleted. So yeah she can apologize ten times and it still doesn’t mean we have to accept it. Especially if it’s that catastrophic because it looks like its more about saving face rather than feeling remorse, even if she did feel bad. You’re too eager to call it just “a mistake” and pin me as the unreasonable one.

And I want to ask you, have you truly seen with your own eyes an interaction where someone said to the other “if you like vinca you’re racist” and was completely serious?Or have you heard it from someone else saying that they were told that? Because considering that other anon watering down a woc’s criticism of lovestruck as “she doesnt like white people or this blog” then yeah i wouldn’t trust anything else coming from their mouths. People are getting too pressed over the millionth white woman in the app. Hell even if it happened, it’s probably what, one, two people? But you’re lumping all of us together as if its been a wave of saying that. The valid criticism surrounding Vinca is interconnected with Nahara’s release (one of the few dark-skinned women in the app) considering people kept saying they’d rather have a Vinca route when Nahara’s was announced. They’re not even willing to support it just because they want Vinca’s and that sends a message to voltage. So it simply doesnt boil down to “well its a difference in personalities”. Im gonna go as far as to say that if a woc had the same attitude as Vinca, people wouldnt be frothing at the mouth for her or they’d delve into the realm of fetishizing (as some people are bordering the line with Piama). But thats a whole other topic. And since people want to act stupid: all of the white characters in lovestruck are white because voltage made them that way. They could’ve quite easily made them a poc, but they rarely do. Think about what that means then, if youre really trying to defend yourself by saying “well they put out whats popular”

Lastly, you should really evaluate the content and beliefs you put out when racist people are still comfortable following and interacting with you. This is why i want this discussion to be public: your followers need to read this and apply it to themselves. Because considering the amount of anon hate you said you got yesterday towards the other blogger, theres a bunch of your followers who need to get off their phones and learn to care about other people and stop being racist assholes.

Believe me, I’m tired of it as well.

I brought up the anon hate because I didn’t want you to wonder why I was posting your asks in this form.

And no. Piama is not whitewashed. I took a dropper tool and took the color directly from her sprite, and if you’d looked at my blog, you would’ve seen that I sent screenshots as proof in response to that ask. But you obviously didn’t, so I’ll send them here again. (1. Without lighting. 2. With Lighting.)

If you still don’t believe me, you’re welcome to call me on Discord and I’ll share my screen and show you the entire process. And as an artist: You’d be fucking surprised what lighting does to colors.

Well, yes, I need to be able to recognize it indeed. The thing is: I can’t always. I try my best on this, and there will be moments and issues that will come up, mistakes I will make because I’m not perfect and not a machine. And in those moments, I’d love to have a friend that affectionately slaps me and says “JD, that was shit.” So I can apologize and notice it the next time. I have had multiple friends be transphobic to me in certain ways. I’ve informed them about it. They apologized and haven’t done it since. We’re still friends to this day. I do try to educate myself on racism and put in some work. I don’t expect POC to do all the work for me and explain to me how to be an ally correctly, and still - I hope they help me just as I help my cis friends with trans stuff. I can’t magically change all my behaviors and overcome internalized societal racism with the snap of a finger. If I could, I fucking would have already done it multiple times. The way it is, I’m working on it. Again - I’m sorry I didn’t point out the racist comment in the ask. I should’ve done that, and I’ll make sure to do it in the future.

You’re right no one is obliged to accept an apology. You’re right this hurts people deeply. And as I said - Mod Wrath apologized three times, including one on her personal blog which was a lot less vague. Mod Viv also apologized - to the person in question, in private. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And the thing is - if you refuse to accept her apology, that’s one thing and fully your right. And the thing is: If an apology is not going to make you forgive her, if ten are not, what do you need in order to forgive? Will you never forgive? Will you always argue it’s going to be an apology to save face when you don’t know the fact she does feel remorse? How will you see that she does?

I did hear the Vinca thing from a friend of mine. Whom I trust. Because seriously, why would you make things like that up? Who would even get the idea? I’m against the idea of believing my friends would lie to me for attention or whatever. And yeah, the criticism of that anon was unfitting - I’ve visited the blog they claimed was doing that and I found nothing of the sorts, so that comment was unfitting unless I missed something. I never intended to say that it’s all of you saying that. I intended to say that some people are handling the issue wrong. I’m sorry it came off that way. I do believe though that it’s people’s full right to say they’d have preferred Vinca over Nahara. I would’ve preferred Vinca. I still read Nahara tho. However, it’s not yours to dictate which routes other people have to support and which not. I will however agree with you that people should give Nahara a chance - it’s quite the sweet story. And I for my part would enjoy a POC Vinca just as much as a white one. (Also, side note, you’re making it appear as if everyone would either fetishize or rage over her, which is very much putting all of the “white” fanbase into the same bag, the same thing you critizised me for earlier. It’s understandable from a psychological point of view, tho, so I’m not gonna comment further.)

Yeah, Voltage makes the characters white, and that’s an issue people can only fix by demanding more POC in the ask posts and comments. Which many do, btw. They put out what is popular indeed, they put out what is demanded, and I fucking demand more POC. I want it. They could’ve made so many LIs POC and they haven’t and I’m fucking unhappy about it too! I’m not even trying to say anything else.

Yes, making this public to arouse thinking is a good policy. The followers need to read this indeed. And we didn’t get anon hate for the other blogger. We got anon hate towards us. Tons. Comments that went as far as telling mods to kill themselves. And while I agree with lots of the things you say - some of the ways you’re acting actively spark this type of hate. There is being loud about the issues you face, and then there is calling people racist assholes based on a comment they made instead of talking to them personally and telling them that’s not okay, giving them the chance to improve themselves instead of always having them stamped as a racist. Just because you’re the one who’s hurt, the one who’s morally correct, does not mean anything you say or do is good behavior. 

You told me I whitewashed Piama when you, with a minute of research, could’ve found proof I didn’t. You obviously wanted the internet to see, maybe hoped I’d get exposed? Could I get an apology for that? And I promise, I’ll accept it because I’m willing to believe you’re a good person.

Summary of everything:

You’re right with lots of things.

I behaved wrong and I’m sorry.

Lovestruck has an issue with racism that we need to change together. 

Together. Without toxic behavior from any side.

- Mod JD

[autisticstarseed]

👐 Hand washing guide when you have sensory issues 👐

tbh. we shouldve been talking abt this a long time ago for many disabled ppls sake but ive put this post off for like a million years out of pure solidified fear of ableist harassment/kneejerk ignorance and also generalized cringe idiots but now that we got so much covid-19 fear and autistic ppl actually tend to have weaker immune systems than most people lets jump the shark;;;

i have autism and i physically struggle with washing my hands as often as i want to, having wet hands, drying them, the temperature difference, bad soap smells/textures, etc. are all genuinely painful. the good news is that ive dealt with water aversion shit since birth (its a common sensory issue), so ive had time to figure out alternatives and coping skills that still help reduce risk of disease and spreading it in ways that i can personally manage. (ie. not lazy or selfish or gross. genuinely putting more effort into this every day task than most other people would even think about. just disability lads) so heres the guide i have to offer if you’re in a similar boat, with some keypoints about hand hygiene and tips addressing the most common sensory struggles ive noticed with it;;;

1. hand sanitizer

i love hand sanitizer, i can get it in almost any scent i want and it dries down very very fast. the problem is; hand washing and hand sanitizer do different things. it only kills certain types of germs. which is all fine and dandy, but because of this, using only hand sanitizer wont actually keep you from catching or spreading many illnesses. so what its good for is times you cant wash your hands (out in public, sensory overload, no spoons, etc), thats fine, but it should not replace all hand washing if at all possible. it is supposedly effective to covid-19, but so little is currently known that it should not be considered your go to for this, and the only unanimous statement straight from the CDC is that hand washing works best at preventing its spread.

temperature - if you have trouble with it being too cold, conveniently keeping it in your pocket or closely against your body in some way warms it up and makes it much more comfortable. 

scent - they come in almost any scent you can imagine, but if you have trouble with strong scents, there are ‘scentless hand sanitizers’. they usually have a faint chemical smell, so if there are any testers available, you should check to make sure it can work for you before you buy it.

texture - if gel doesnt cut it, they also make foamy hand sanitizers and liquid sprays, but theyre harder to find and might be a little more pricey.

and remember; always buy hand sanitizer that says it contains AT LEAST 60% alcohol, the higher alcohol content the better, but try to keep track of how high it is and how much you apply it so you dont dry your skin out. and right now price gouging is pretty bad, so dont be surprised if you cant find any for a while, and dont buy any small bottle that costs over a couple dollars, its a rip off.

2. hand washing 

so what does hand washing do thats better than sanitizer??? soap and water lift up the dirt and oils that are carrying the germs and actually wash them off, and not only that, it also gets rid of all the things sanitizer cant, such as dust/dirt, spores, chemicals, and the previously mentioned viruses that are harder to kill. ik to an outside perspective it might not seem that hard, but obviously when you have autism and these tasks are split down into bigger ordeals and sensory nightmares, it can feel impossible. 

soap - there are so many different kinds of soap! scentless soaps exist, and they very rarely have any lingering chemical smell! theres also soap for sensitive skin, and baby soap also works well for that issue. bar soaps can come in all different shapes and sizes, with many different ingredients and additives to choose from (independent soap makers are an amazing source for customized soap btw), and liquid soaps can be pure gel, frothy, mousse-y or even have tiny exfoliating or moisturizing beads in them if thats a sensory experience you enjoy. this is my number one rec for people struggling with hand washing bc of sensory issues;;; mix up the soap. finding one that gives you an okay or even a GOOD sensory experience can completely turn around an otherwise meltdown inducing task

temperature - this is the one thats always been hardest for me. cold water straight up hurts me, and our plumbing is Terrible, so the trick i have for slow pipes is to run the hot water on high as Soon as i get into the bathroom. leave it going and by the time you’re done there should be at least lukewarm water. if this still takes too long for you, try out the various sinks in your house, usually one is able to get hot water faster than the rest (for me its the kitchen sink) and that can become a designated station for you if need be.

texture - some ppl just hate water. if thats the case, it rly doesnt change much abt the process if you use less water, ie work the soap into a lather, and then only use as much as you need to rinse it off. you dont have to keep your hands under the whole time, the soap clings to the dirt, the water takes it off all together, as long as you scrub well and rinse till you see no suds, you’re good 

If it really comes down to it, a washcloth with water+soap, a disinfecting wipe, or even literally just a rinse with plain ol water is better than nothing, but the stream of water and act of rubbing the soap in is the most effective combo against disease. soap/disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizers are your second best option. if theres a time in your life where an issue is so disabling for you that you truly cant keep any of this up, rly the most important thing is to limit your direct physical contact with your face and commonly used objects as MUCH as possible until you can figure smth out. (you kno those old ladies that grab a wipe and open the doorknob with it between their hand and the knob? become that old lady) and if push comes to shove, if a safe and accepting therapy setting is something accessible to you, hygiene struggles are actually something many mental health professionals understand Very well and can help you cope with personally and directly, without shame.

3. hand drying

this is also. my personal hell. and what most people say is the hardest part of the sensory experience. but ya cant just walk around with wet hands right

towels - the obvious choice for most, but to me they actually dont dry enough. i always end up damp and with lint stuck to me. this kills the man. but hand towels do have some variety to them, you can find em with really long fibers or really short/flat, really fuzzy or really stiff, etc. sounds silly but its smth a lot of ppl dont think about that can change a lot. you can also try super absorbent towels (yes like a shamwow), and again baby bath towels are also an option if you want something gentle.

paper towels - yeah a little more wasteful and expensive, but imo much more absorbent. theyre also pretty thin so you can get between your fingers (MY BANE), and under your nails if you use a corner. 10/10

blow drying - ik this is the kind of shit you only see in like movie theaters and malls and they are definitely LOUD AS SHIT, but if you happen to have the money, and struggle more with Textures than Noise, ie a stream of warm air seems worth the sound, you Can actually find a small basic one of these items for your own home. 

4. public restrooms

everybody hates em!!! but you can make em more tolerable;;;

soap - bring your own! little travel soaps you can keep in your bag are a godsend for ppl with sensory issues, sensitive skin/allergies, and if you just prefer not sharing soap.

temperature - most public places i notice actually do get hot water pretty fast (like,,, too fast,,, like,,, it bur ns me) so if there are no faucets and its too hot or too cold, once again you can try different sinks and one might be more comfortable. if there are faucets i recommend grabbing a paper towel to turn it off, so you dont have to touch it again with your clean hands.

sound - WHY R AUTOMTIC FLUSH TOILETS SO FUCKEN LOUDD..... honestly if you have noise cancelling earmuffs or earplugs or w/e pop em in. if you dont have any of that i just literally plug my ears with my fingers when i stand up. if you struggle with the sound of the blow dryers, they almost always have paper towels as well, but its a great idea to carry something like that around in your bag with you just in case. if its really packed and people chattering is getting to you, sometimes the ‘family’ bathrooms are actually smaller and less full. if its bad enough and you feel comfortable asking, an employee might be able to direct you to a single stall bathroom or at least a different one than that.

and though its convenient, try not to use your sleeve to touch things like doorknobs, toilet handles, etc. instead use something disposable like a paper towel or wipe, bc the germs will simply transfer to your sleeve and still risk infecting you. 

5. schedule

the number one suggestion is to wash your hands literally as often as possible during a time like this but like. even for allistic/nt/abled/ ppl thats just not always an attainable schedule so the Best times to wash your hands are;;;

after using the bathroom - the most important time and generally the easiest to get used to. its smth you have to do multiple times a day that already has a schedule, and if you were to forget or go into sensory overload its usually immediately accessible as soon as you can. as i mentioned earlier, if you need help remembering, you can turn the water on when you first get in and leave it going.

the doctors - ANY KIND of health facility should be avoided right now unless really necessary, places where sick people would frequent is the quickest way to get sick but like. ya rly cant help it sometimes right. you cant stop dealing with your own illnesses just bc theres another one floating around. so, this is time to go apeshit on the handwashing. if your health issue involves coughing and sneezing, ask for a face mask. bring a scarf in case they dont have any, its not as great but better than nothing. otherwise, you honestly dont need it, face masks are more for these people bc they keep germs in better than out. whether you’re worried abt getting sick or infecting others, this is a time to use hand sanitizer, avoid physical contact like shaking hands [autistic cheering], and when you first arrive and right before you go to leave are the most important times to remember to wash your hands. 

preparing food - not as commonly spoken about, but also easy to work into a schedule. i personally dont care unless its food for somebody else or if im going to be putting my hands on it a lot, but if thats the case, a lot of the time thats produce you already want to wash in the sink, so you can kill two birds with one stone there. dont just get the germs off your own hands, get em off the fruits and veggies before you eat em. carpool

after grocery shopping - not very common. most ppl just slap some sanitizer/a wipe on there or dont think abt it at all, but if you just got home from walmart thats a great time to wash. you just touched a bunch of items other people touched, including the cart, money/credit cards, and all the products people will pick up and put back, so its prime germ time babey. But again, sanitizer or a wipe will help if its all you can manage after a trip out like that.

before self care - also uncommon. ppl always say ‘dont touch your face’ and ‘apply this product with clean hands’, and what they mean is that one of the fastest ways germs get into your system is through your mouth, nose, eyes and ears. if you’re simply washing your face theres not as much concern, but applying a mask, moisturizer, makeup, etc. should all be done after a gentle rinse of your hands (and face). very hard to get into the schedule of, but if you consider it a Part of your ‘self care’ or use a special fun cleanser, it can stick a little easier.

6. stim items

STIM ITEMS!! if you have stim items, its a good idea to clean them regularly, but even moreso during an outbreak like this.

rubber/plastic - if it goes in your mouth, hot water (not hot enough to melt!) and dish soap, if it doesnt, look up how to safely make a diluted bleach solution.

silicone - silicone is usually dish washer safe.

fabric - if its light, add bleach to the washing machine, if its colored, you can use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide which are less likely to discolor any dyes. lysol detergent is also super great. small items you’re worried about losing, or items with details/loose parts, you can usually wash inside of a sealed pillow case. 

‘squishies’ - for ‘mochi’ squishies aka the rubbery ones, soap and water + some dusted baby powder or corn starch (optional) to keep it from grabbing lint for a while. for foam squishies, they can rarely be deep cleaned without the risk of growing mold or taking paint off, but a disinfecting wipe every now and then should keep it clean for a while.

slime - cant be disinfected, sorry. also a breeding ground for mold if you arent careful, so its always best to cycle through these quickly.

technology - cant really be completely sterilized, but there are many places to get sprays and cleaning wipes for the devices you use that can at least keep the areas your hands frequently touch a little cleaner.

BUT of course if your item comes with instructions on how to wash it, always follow that instead. this is just a general idea.

and as a final note;;; disabled ppl should not feel guilty or dirty for struggling with this. like. man idc abt ur cringe feels or your ignorant blame or your lack of understanding/sympathy for what goes into these tasks for us. if u dont wanna get our struggles and sensitivities when we’re working twice as hard on functioning tasks which personal ease you take for granted, thats on you. @ disabled people if you struggle with maintaining the same standard of hygiene as nts you arent gross or bad fucking person, you’re disabled and by definition that means your level of functioning will be different, and you deserve sympathy. its just that germs dont discriminate, they wanna cause problems for everybody involved (especially you!!!), so Anything you can manage is Great and if anything from this post can help make it a little easier for people in any way, i feel its absolutely necessary to talk about with respect and dignity. people with autism/adhd/sensory processing disorder/similar neurodivergencies/literally anybody else this could benefit, pls feel free to add on any tips you might have or send me questions. let disabled ppl help disabled ppl do our personal bests

[mikenewtonhateblog]

My oc’s aka too long of a gd post

The “BL” Crew (does not stand for boys love I’m just a moron who made that abbreviation before knowing what it stands for). My main crew and main series, a lot is a big WIP right now as I’m slowly redoing the first book and all the lore. Why? I love torture. Book is fantasy type but I won’t specify what.

Lacie, the protagonist. God tier idiot, bisexual bipolar depressed MESS, insomniac, former theater kid, doesn’t know what she wants out of life but currently it is not This(plot of book). Hot headed, impulsive, crude, rude, Mommy IssuesTM, would rather be taking a nap right now, rules are made to be broken, absolutely fucking FERAL, more bags under her eyes than the airport lost and found. 5’5, 130lbs, Aries, age 18, white as shit like literally the whitest human you have ever seen, strawberry blonde hair in a 2011 Hayley Willaims haircut with long bangs, the darkest brown eyes you’ve ever seen that stare directly into your soul. Lanky, no curves, body of a 12 year old boy but works out so she can and will kick your ass and thats a threat. Not human?

Josh. Soft boy, smart, Lacie’s cousin and only friend for like the first 18 years of her life, autistic anxious mess who’s special interest is anchient egyptian history, is in honors classes, despises math, passes out when his girlfriend looks too cute, just needs a hug. Can eat a whole carton of easy mac if left alone, whole wardobe is the same outfit just different colors/hoodies, sensory issues, seriously can someone give this guy a hug. 5’9, 150lbs, Pisces, age 18, mixed (half whatever flavor of white Lacie’s family is [they don’t even know its just some scandanavian shit and irish], and half mexican on his mom’s side), medium olive skin with freckles and moles, dark chocolate brown hair that’s a bit of a 2009 Beiber cut, warm brown eyes, not beefy, a lil thicc and self concious about it but squishy boys are GOOD. Gets bit by a werewolf so now he is one his mood on it is “thats a lot to unpack but let’s just throw the whole suitcase away”.

Zander. There is not one braincell in this man, himbo KING, pansexual dumbass with undiagnosed ADHD, no impulse control, head empty and full at the same time, PTSD, his fashion sense should be an actual crime, gets in fights to feel something, basic requirements for him to be attracted to you: kick his ass. Drinks his respect women juice, sees a folding table and must immediately launch himself on it, chaotic, cannot drive a car and will not, food aggression and eats enough for 3 people but never gains weight which is ILLEGAL, him and Lacie may be a couple.....but in this house we stan slow burn, he talks in caps and every sentence either ends with a question mark or exclaimation point, likes romcoms. 6’2, 190lbs, Sagittarius, age 19, austrailian roots and has the accent but is from [REDACTED FOR STORY REASONS], white, dorito shaped with long legs, blueish black hair that’s long and messy, dark navy eyes that match his hair, bigass neck scar from [REDACTED]. Not human

Peter. Gay dad friend who is TIRED of having to be in charge of a bunch of teenagers, only one with full functioning braincells, lowkey a genius who loves engineering, mixes magical technology with human technology because he likes to play god, is he ever sober? No one knows, will kill for a bottle of single malt, his fashion sense? Tastefully expensive suits perfectly tailored. Likes building his own weapons that no one else knows how to even use, generally non-threatening but can get scary if needed. 6’4, 140lbs string bean man, Scorpio, age 179 but looks early 30s, I know I said Lacie is the whitest human but he’s even paler like a literal sheet of paper with scandanavian roots/ancestors were vikings or some shit, blonde hair styled like 2013 Brendon Urie lmfao, light crystal blue eyes. He’s a vampire and was born one.

Danielle. Tiny, sweet, queen of girls supporting girls, comments on all her friends instagram posts with 20 emojis, LOVES fashion and has a wardrobe that would make anyone jealous, oozes feminine energy, only child and parents are in love still, gets exactly 8 hours of sleep each night and wakes up looking like a disney princess. Just because she is small and cute doesn’t mean you should underestimate her she WILL fuck your shit up. Quiet when angey which is terrifying. Josh is her bf and she loves him so much but also loves teashing the shit out of him. Legally cannot cuss, polite, used her high heels as a weapon once, speaks like 5 languages because studying them is her hobby, gardens, hugs everyone. 5’0, 110, Taurus, age 18, mixed (half french-american, half Korean-american), glowy skin always, PETITE frame aka the friend everyone can pick up when they hug, long past her waist curly brown hair, bright green eyes. She’s not fully human as she has fae blood in her and this gives her the ability to talk to and control plants. Flower crowns for everyone

Becca. Theater kid who would die to sing in Wicked and has the vocal range to do so, cannot wait to graduate and go to her dream college which she got into and a scholarship, closeted lesbian bc her whole giant family is extremely catholic and she feels like not dealing with it, “no boys allowed in bedroom” rule is her favorite joke, chill, middle child of 5 siblings and just wants some peace and quiet for ONCE. Her fashion sense is “I’m dropping subtle hints I’m gay but only to other gays”, has a black belt and took self defense classes. 5’6, 145lbs, Virgo, age 18, Latina (cuban and mexican mix), darker brown skin with light freckles over her nose, athletic build, eyebrows on POINT, bright caramel eyes, short light brown hair cut in a bob, has a tiny nose stud, always wears a blue friendship bracelet her gf made her. Human

Anika. Calling her a bitch/slut is a compliment, bisexual, a bit of a mean girl but she grows out of it give her time!!! Is always Too Much, the horny friend, favorite color is red so thats almost all of her outfits, loves to show off her body as much as she can because she’s hot and knows it and thrives in her own confidence. Her mom is literally like Regina George’s mom from Mean Girls but married a rich man 20 years older than her, Anika doesn’t know her bio dad but thats fine neither does her mom and her step dad is nice and does his best to be a dad. Becca’s gf, always hanging out at her home so Becca can get some quiet because Anika’s an only child and has a pool. 5’9, 135lbs, Gemini, age 18, white, long layered dark reddish brown hair, teal-blue eyes, swimmers body type (I normally do not mention bust size but she would want the internet to know she was blessed with big bahoogles so there you go), can sprint in heels. Half mermaid (boy was that a surprise considering her mom doesn’t know who her father is LOL)

Rex. Nb uses they/them he/him pronouns but honestly will respond to any, goth lite, only attracted to men and ace, can read minds so knows all your secrets, mischevious little shit, great friends with Zander and enjoys his dumbass thoughts and that he’s basically a human version of Jackass, wears too many rings, goth boots for kicking and fashion babey, always has the freshest memes and will not hesitate to roast in the group chat, hangs with the girls most of the time. Chaos god who loves making art, be gay do crime, skateboard and spraypaint. 5’8”, 165lbs, Leo, age 18, Native American, masculine frame, dark brown skin, blue eyes, firetruck red shoulder length hair that’s usually in a ponytail, knock-off gucci sunglasses just for judging their friends. Has magic in their blood so not entirely human and can cast spells and shit (don’t roast me its a wip and I’m doing my research)

Sam. Boho goddess, aromantic, makeup and nails are always instagram worthy, quiet and stoic type but losens up around close friends, Rex is her best friend, has some trauma and doesn’t want to talk about it, emotionally numbed out a bit and wants to purely vibe. Has seen some of the worst parts of humanity and wishes she hadn’t, finds no point in being bitter or resentful though because that won’t change anything, loves cats and once she moves out shes adopting one or three. Has wine aunt energy. 5’4, 200lbs PLUS SIZE QUEEN, Scorpio, age 18, Filipino (her parents are immigrants fun fact!), really olive skin sometimes has a grey/green tinge to it, dark brown almost black shoulder length hair, gold-hazel eyes. Sam’s the victim of a family curse that requires her to consume human hearts to survive, she can transform into a pretty scary looking being and uses this curse to hunt down pedoph*les, r*pists, murderers, and abusers. The less often she feeds the less human she looks, hence the constant grey/green tinge to her skin. 

Andy. Baby of the group, must be protected at all costs, 100% didn’t sign up to be in a friendgroup of 90% monsters but highkey loves it, trans, bi, anxiety MAXED, just wants to draw comics and cosplay spiderman, has to babysit his two younger sisters a lot because his parents are....not great, and as a result now knows all the lines to Tangled and The Little Mermaid. Big nerd energy, has to draw on everything including homework, gets inspiration for comics from his friends, awkward and socially anxious, drinks way too much tea and will accidentally steal your pens. Fears include: crowds, thunder, tall angry men, tiny spaces. Just trying his best. 5’2, 100lbs BEANPOLE BOY, Leo, age 16, white (irish and scottish roots), freckles absolutely EVERYWHERE, orangey red hair thats in desperate need of a haircut, chocolate brown eyes, braces, chronic nail biter. Human and kinda wishes he wasn’t.

That’s it for now if you read all this bless u thank u here is my whole heart. Please no discourse, literally these are fictional people I’ll never publish the books they go to.

[kevkesblog]

Translation: Kai Havertz portait in ZEIT newspaper (January 2019)

NOTE: Hey guys! This time I tried something new. I translated an exclusive portrait the german weekly newspaper DIE ZEIT did with Kai in January. They interviewed him as well as Kai’s family. Its very candid and has alot of details. I hope you guys like it, since DIE ZEITs writing is usually very difficult - even for germans. And I apologize for spelling errors as usual. 

The original text in German

Kai Havertz: the peace itself

 (January 23, 2019)

People praise Leverkusens national player Kai Havertz, 19, for his serenity with the ball which put him on the radar of many European top clubs. His parents start to realize that he is likely becoming world famous.

By Jörg Kramer

The most promising german football talent these days picked a table very far behind in an restaurant somewhere in Cologne to order himself some spagetti gnocchi – inconspicuous.

There is no star posturing with Kai Havertz. The 19 year old could even go through as a normal university student; with his bright hoodie and somewhat cheap and not even special occurence.

And with his voice, which has this typical regional dialect, without the typical empty phrases that young football player use to often in order to cover up their meaningless sentences. But people know his face by now. So thats why he doesnt sit right next to the entrance.

He belongs to the celebrities of the football scene. European top clubs are scouting the young men in stadiums, team mates from Bayer Leverkusen praising him and forecasting him to have the potential to become a world star.

He already scored nine goals this season, decided some games by his own and played his first games for the national team. Havertz became the centre of his clubs game by playing at the centre midfield. His role only changed slightly and the importance of his role not at all, since Peter Bosz took over as head coach. He views this very relaxed and talks in an restaurant somewhere in the Belgian Quarter of Cologne about Leverkusen being the „perfect place“ in order to develop as a young player. And thats where he wants to give his all for the last half year ahead. Ooops!

His last half year? That was a slip of the tongue of course, he meant to say the next half year. Because his contract with Bayer is still running until 2022 without an exit clause. But things now are developing in a rapid way which runs parallel to his explosive performance currently. Its just a matter of the perfect timing that someone like him will end up going to Barcelona, Manchester or at least Munich – a choice between summer 2019 or summer 2020 maybe.

Havertz walks over his misspelled sentence like nothing happend. Once in Nuremberg in the middle of a turmoil of an rainy game, it seemed as if he stopped – as if he was reconsidering the situation with him having the ball. Like if somebody pressed a ‚Stop‘-button. And he chiped to ball in an cool and unemoitional and scored.

Coaches and team mates are citizing his body language, he says. So he works on looking more aggresive. He even participates on useless discussions between his teammates and referees after controversial decisions on the pitch, in order to get a penalty for the other team or some revenge. But it doesnt really look good him when he does it, he admits – even after a though tackle or when going after the ball. „I’m a player that shines with his tranquility.“ A nice sentence that gives away his elegante style of play.

Havertz remained an artist on the pitch. Every foul is a sign of weakness. Everytime he gets the ball, which is his job as an offensive player, he never runs into his opponents – he anticipates. „I try to imagine, which options my opponent has, what he would do if I were him.“ He then runs with a planned pass way and he gets the ball.

Havertz learned in the past almost two and a half years all systems and tatics of modern football. Starting with a radical system, almost a raid-strategy under coach Roger Schmidt, by which the goal keeper kicked the ball high and it flew wide over the pitch – almost always directly aimed at Havertz‘ head – because he is 1,88 meters tall.

Then the mixed system under Heiko Herrlich. He always had to look for his team mates before he passed. Now with Bosz, a planfull offensive style with flat passing. He runs through all the chapters. The first began on October 15, 2016.

It was a Saturday. A day where the Havertz family from Mariadorf near Aachen still couldnt realize that their youngest son, will probably end up living off football and perhaps even become famous. They cant really believe it up until today, says Anne Havertz, his mother.

On that day – October 15 – Kai was a youth player, in a big house next to the woods in Mariadorf having breakfast – when suddently coach Schmidt called. Lars Bender, professional Bayer-player who was supposed to play against Werder Bremen that evening, got injured and had to quit. Kai had to come to Bremen, immidiately! His mother drove him to Leverkusen. A special shuttle took him to Bremen. His whole family was sitting in front of the TV that night.

Kai was sitting on the bench as expected. Then, during the 83th minute, the commentator saw already more than the viewes and said: now we are experiencing a debut. Kai Havertz was ready to get subbed. In the real Bundesliga. Anne Havertz said: „Oh my god!“.

(Credit: Instagram: kaihavertz29)

Kai’s mother, who worked as a lawyer until she got pregnant with her eldest son, came to the restaurant in Cologne one day after Kai to talk about life as a family of an future world star. She brought her husband – Kai’s father, and her daughter Lea, Kai’s sister. The sister is studying marketing and digital media in the city.

People can reach his father in an emergency by dailing 1-1-0. He is a police officer working at the police station 3 in Cologne-West. He says he is really impressed, about how cool and routinely his football playing son manages post-game interviews and how we stays cool when people recognize him in public and everybody is watching,

The Havertz family is still perplexed about a football world where colleagues of their son, order their own cooks to cook for them at home. And whenever he puts his legs into an special bag in order to regenerate. Almost the whole family – except his oldest brother and the dog – are having apple pie and salate and looking back at the stages of his career, which started at Alemannia Mariadorf. Kai skiped two age-groups. He then played with older players than actually intended. Then he transfered to Bayer Leverkusen. All because the scout was tough but not intrusive like the other scouts. By the age of ten, Bayer drove Kai to training sessions three times a week.

4 year old Kai Havertz (Credit: kicker tv)

He was still among the smallest players in the team by the age of 14. Then suddently - a growth spurt which resultet in issues with his knees and his back. They were responsible for Kai loosing his fixed spot on the team. This was also the hard time because he left home and moved to Leverkusen. The club doesnt have an academy so he stayed at a guest family – the family of the stadium announcer from Bayer, together with two other players. A year later he moved into an apartement with his older brother, until Jan had to move to Nuremberg – he has a marketing job at adidas now.

A lasting memory: endless discussions within the Havertz family about the overarching question: does the boy need a german high school diploma (Abitur)? Will he pass the tests when he is travelling around with his professional teammates?

Kai Havertz attended the Landrat-Lucas-Gymnasium. An elite school of sports where he could skip classes in the morning for training. But he always had to catch up school stuff from the day. Once he played with Leverkusen at the DFB-Cup at Sportfreunde Lotte. He was subbed late, it went into penalities and after the team was eliminated from the cup he arrived home late – at 3am. At 8am he had an English exam.

The family became a team. His mother and sister helped him with biology exams. One day the young football player said to his family, he has no power left anymore. „But he never said: I want to quit!“ his mother insists. This was a breaking point by which his parents thought about quitting and stop pursuing the Abitur. But suddently coach Roger Schmidt intervened and said Kai should pull through. The whole Bayer team will support him.

The Abitur became a factor of will power, a test of life. The school supervisor of Bayer, a former athlete herself, said something memorable: it will shape his whole life if Kai quits school now. Whenever something becomes difficult, if something goes beyond your pain barrier, he will always have this option to quit in his head, that you can just give up.

Kai Havertz choose the pain, the Abitur. Now he will always choose the hard way if the theory of his supervisor holds.

On this January afternoon in Cologne, he is being asked what other job he would have picked if it wasnt for football. He likes the job as a barber, for men’s hairstyle. He smiles. Some curls are hanging on his forehead from left to right. A Barber. He wouldnt have needed an Abitur for that.

He is a genius at football. He won the German junior championship with Bayer and scored 19 goals in 29 games. He got awarded as a Under-19-player as the best of his age with the Fritz-Walter-medal from the DFB. Kai made it onto second place on his position after Marco Reus from Dortmund in a list of the football magazine „kicker“ which they publish every half year – but seven spaces in front of Munich’s Thomas Müller.

Coach Heiko Herrlich says Havertz reminds him of Toni Kroos. Football critic Reiner Calmund compared him to Franz Beckenbauer. His head goals remind him of Michael Ballack. Mesut Özil was always Kai Havertz idol, because of his tranquility with the ball and his ability to read a game. Sometimes Kai misses the final conciseness in front of the goal, which was visible after the recent 0-1 loss against Borussia Mönchengladbach.

Having the ability to remain calm, even when you get tackled is the result of a deep confidence in your own strenghts: screen your surrondings – in short time if necessary – and then make the right decision. Joachim Löw praises Havertz „good orientation“, something he said about Özil years ago. What he means is a certain sense of space on the pitch – an inner compass. Something that has to do with attention and memory. Havertz, who is a master of navigation, doesn’t even need practice. Some creatures have special senses and are able to find orientation on earth through a magnetic field – like migratory birds for example.

Kai Havertz likes watching Champions League games. And while watching them, there is always a wish inside him to participate as well whenever the big games of the quarter- and semifinals are on. „I think you can only reach that level by going to a top club at some point“ he says.

Mother, father and sister Havertz say, they don’t expect things from him. Something they never did in his career. But if someone asks them, who will follow Kai in a foreign country to get used to everything – they start to think about it. They would alternate. One week his mother would visit, next week his sister and then his grandmother maybe.

Kai Havertz still has a room back home in Mariadorf. Back in the day he used to have posters from FC Barcelona. So it could happen maybe one day, that youngsters in Barcelona will have posters with Kai Havertz on them.

++END++

[editorandchief]

This Just End |Sweet Pea

Summary: Reader is a popular social media star (YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat whatever you want) and is reporting on the injustice of the raid at southside high.

Sweet Pea x Female!Reader

Warning: None

“Hello my loyal and lovely fanbase this is Y/N Y/L/N reporting from riverdale once again.” You greeted your fans. “Where here at Riverdale High it is just a normal day.” You say walking down the hallway.

“While just moments ago on the southside the police lead by Riverdale’s own mayor was raided and many students wrongfully arrested.” You expose walking into the student lounge. “Now it’s no secret that the government in Riverdale has been corrupt for years but some say that the deception has reached an all-time high with the arrival of the Lodge family.”

”umm excuse me?” Veronica's voice sounds from behind you.

”ah, Veronica Lodge.” you smiled turning the camera. ”Do you feel any remorse for the student at Southside high that were arrested today?” you asked.

”Absolutely not, the Lodge family strongly believe that committing a crime deserves to be punished. And drugs are a serious offence.” she smiles at the camera.

”Yeah, that why Mr. Lodge is pushing for a prison on the southside. Archie added.

”that's interesting.” you said reaching for your tablet and pulling up a video. ”because this video would suggest your stance on drug use is completely different from your previous statement.”

‘Calm down Nicky, I’m just getting going.’ Veronica’s voice plays.

“Which show you and many of the people in this very room consuming the highly addictive and illegal drug know as jingle jangle.” You exposed.

Around the room you could see the shocked faces of those in the room.

“Where did you get that?” Archie asked reaching for the tablet causing you to pull away.

“An anonymous source.” you replied tucking the tablet back into your bag. ”but fear not you'll be able to see the whole thing when I post it later.

”what you have nothing better to do with your life than this?” Kevin asked.

”I would watch it, Keller this video has also been sent to the District Attorney's office. Bringing into question why an unlawful raid was performed at Southside high when the children of Riverdale, who were actually caught doing the drugs, have nothing but community service.” you inform.

”also Reggie Mantle who admitted to, and I quote, ’hooking it up.’ with said drugs.” you continue. ”only Betty Cooper had the common sense not to partake in the devil's sugar.”

Turning the camera back to yourself.

”so there you have it riverdale a town with a system so corrupt even the major and sheriff would arrest innocent teens to protect their own children, while it appears nothing is being done about the serial killer on the loose.” you said. ”this has been Y/N Y/L/N wondering when are things going to change? Until next time keep it Sweet like the water.”

Turning off the camera you turn back to Kevin

”Nothing personal but something had to be done.” you said.

”something like my dad losing his job?” he asked.

”if your dad was doing his job, you and your friends would be in jail.” you replied. ”not a group of serpents that did nothing wrong.”

”that's not our fault.” Archie argued.

”oh it never is, is it? Nothing is ever your fault when you shift the blame to others. I'd watch out Archie your Lodge is showing.” you shot.

”No one conspired to do anything.” Josie said.

”really so your parents didn't have a secret meeting to discuss the event of the part organized to entertain the son of a deathly inverter for the Lodge prison?” you asked. ”If it were anyone else an appropriate punishment would have been issued.”

”why do you even care?” Reggie asked.

”Well unlike you people I'm sick of the corruption and injustice in this town, and I'm gonna do something about it.” you answered. ”its just a shame that instead of being a solution some of the most powerful families in this town is apart of the problem. Now if you'll excuse me I have somewhere to be.”

“Maybe you should be more careful, Y/N that speak is sounding very Black Hood to me.” Veronica added.

“Oh silly Ms.Lodge know that if i were the Black Hood it would be you that would want to be careful.” You smirked. Taking your leave.

🐍

“What is it today Ms.Y/L/N?” The sheriff asked as you walked into the station. “Did you see the Black Hood J walking?” He joked.

“Very close but no,” you said with a fake smile. “But funny you would mention the Letter ‘J’” you said pulling out your phone and showing a snippet from the video you had shown previously at school.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but is this it is this not you sons Mr. Kevin Keller consuming Jingle Jangle?” You asked the rhetorical question. “Yet I dont recall him being dragged out of school like many students on the southside this morning, care to explain?” You asked pulling a tape recorder out of you bag and holding it to his face.

“What do you want?” He asked getting straight to the point.

“ release the Serpents. Now.” You said smile being wide off you face as there was no longer any need for false plesentries.

🐍

“Wow, Sweet Pea when you said Y/N had it handled I didn’t think it would accually pan out.” Toni said walking out if the sheriffs station with the rest of the serpent.

“Well that’ll teach you never underestimate my girl, she can be scarier that any serial killer out there.” He bragged slinging his at around your shoulder. “That’s why I always say if you only have one phone call, call Y/N.”

“Noted.” Fangs said falling into two beside you and sweet pea.

“Oh you haven’t seen ow scary I can be, but you will.” You said. “After what they did to you guys I’m bout to rain down a hell storm like non Riverdale has ever seen. Now lets head to pops I’m sure you guys must be starving.” You offer.

“Wow, She’s a mind reader to lets go.” Toni said quickening her steps.

You say all in all today was pretty productive, now all thats left is to down some cheese fries and then destroy the upper class and governmental system of a small town. You’ve had better days but this one was okay.

[tumblunni]

Hhhh bunni legs pain accomplishment day

I HAVE FINISHED THE SHOPPING OF HELL

Tfw u only get paid 4 days before christmas and have to rush everything aaaa

It was bad enough today so i'm so glad i got it done before it got even more busy!

Misc boring essentials i bought for myself: new phone charger cos broken, new trousers cos i spilt hair bleach on my only two pairs, new shoes cos my left shoe literally snapped in half down the middle like wtf even happened there, cheap pink hair dye from a discount store cos i wanna try different colours but in a thrifty way

Now for EXCITING CHRISTMAS PRESENT TIME!!!!

First off SO MANY pc and xbox 360 games from Every Charity Shop In Cardiff, St Mellons, Rumney and Llanrumney. My sis has been trying to find some games to play but was like 'dont worry about it i can just wait til the charity shop gets something good'. So i thought i'd get some stocking stuffers via all the charity shops on my side of town. By our powers combined we will blitz the entire vale of glamorgan's discount gaming scene!!! I found SO MANY good stuff for £1/£2/£3 like holy shit i love when charity shops dont know the proper price for shit XD

speaking of which i also found a WEBCAM for £2! If its that cheap it probanly isnt great but itd still be fun to play around with! :D and the same store also had an old vintage G1 My Little Pony coffee mug in excellent condition. Oh god the nostalgia! My support worker gave me a lift to llanrumney so i had to awkwardly explain why i had an armful of weird 80s mugs and big teary eyes!

Speaking of vintage, i found this new vintage toys and games shop in cardiff called Galactic Attic! The name hooked me in and then they actually DID have pokemon inside! As well as all sorts of stuff ranging from 40s to 90s, wow! There was even a lil pile of old 90s gaming magazines in the corner, covered up by a bunch of boxes. I'm glad i noticed them! I got the announcemt issues for pokemon diamond pearl and platinum in a weird old pokemon fan magazine that i loved as a kid. Im kinda sad that nowadays we just have one official magazine fpr each console and not the wild madness of amateaur journalists failing horribly to get news from japan. Shame they didnt have Beckett Pokemon cos that one was infamous fot drawing its own terrible interpretations of pokemon sprites to avoid copyright. And speaking of terrible, they even had bootleg pokemon!! I talked to the cashier and he was like "you know those are fake right" and i was like "yeah its so nostalgic thats why i want em" and he was like "lol yeah they actually sell pretty well so i'm not mad my supplier ripped me off". It was a pretty good and awesomely terrible fake at the same time? There was this exact replica of some japanese display stand for the product and then the actual pokeball toys looked perfect BUT the mini pokemon inside were.. Really not. I am so damn happy with the surprise inside my one, surprise inside has never been more accurate! I can't take a picture now cos my phone is charging but REGICHEETO. Just..just imagine that, and whatever you're imagining it is probably worse. I love it so fuckin much. Also less hilariously there were some bootleg mini pika plushies with actually (as far as i can tell) their own unique design? They have cute lil winter scarves and an art style that reminds me of the Magical Pokemon Adventure manga. A really cute and good bootleg that i would have loved to see as a real product! The only way you can even tell its a bootleg is because there's no marking on the tail. I dunno, maybe if i still have some brown fabric in the cupboard i could fix it? Or maybe its unique tail makes it even more special! I mean there's Cosplay Pikachu with its double tail marking so maybe this is her cousin Accessory Pikachu with no markings? He just likes wearing scarfs and hats and stuff. OMG HE'S THE POKEMON GO EVENT PIKACHU!!!!!!

Along the miscness of finding a few things for myself, i also found: cute lil pokemon pencilcase, kingdom hearts blind bag, cheap copy of Fruits Basket volume 1 cos the new remake is coming out soon and i wanna Get Hype! The KH blind bag was really weird cos i didnt know they now have an entirely different set as well as the keychains i bought before. Its kind of a shame the art style doesnt match cos vexen is only in the keychains, alas! But i do really love these ones! Theyre apparantly made by funko pop but dont have the art style AT ALL, they just look like really accurate versions of the characters in mini form. Its kinda like the 'distance animation' style in steven universe? (Incidentally they also do SU ones but they missed the opportunitu to actually use the distance style, lol) I got a Sora in his kh2 outfit and i'm decently happy with that, its not one i really wanted but its not a bad one either. But i think now i've tried the fun of surprise once i'll just buy the actual ones i want off ebay later. They have roxas in his organization outfit! With a happy smile!!!

Oh oh and then EVEN MORE XBOX GAMES OF THE WILD THRIFT STORE VOID! i managed to find the whole fable series, two assassins creeds, saints row, gta, some misc shooter games and racers that she wanted but i dont know much about, mass effect 2 and ff13. I think maybe one or two others cos i cant fully remember right now. Theyre all in separate bags strewn across the room and my shoulders feel like death so i'll sort through them later.

Aaaand i wrote up like 14 paragraphs more but tumblr didnt save my draft fpr some fuckin reason and now im way too tired to do it again

Briefer summary:

* had a huge horrible panic attack getting stuck in a skyscraper shopping centre clothes place full of screaming and every perfume smell and WHY DO I HAVE TO NAVIGATE THIS HELL MAZE TO FIND THE ESCALATOR and seriously i was my most primal animalistic self and i went full fight or flight on this bitch

* had a lovely time visiting Cool Shop Grandma and rambled the story of how i met her and how we became friends but hhh too tired to rewrite. But anyway today i gave her a christmas pikachu plush as thanks for everything and cos her shop is moving on to its next location soon. She got really teary and gave me a big hug! She's gonna be at a comic con in march so i hope i'm able to go to that and see her again.

* went on a wild goose chase looking for harry potter merchandise and eventually found a gold plated replica of the movie prop version of the time turner and HELL YES my sis will love it!

* rambled about several market stalls that were cool but i can make a separate post about that in the morning when i find their contact details to advertise them

* got a plushie delibird and decided to take selfies with it everywhere to try and fight my social anxiety somehow. We went to a neat lil restaurant and had cheesy fries and a coke float!

* asked for a refund on an item for the first time ever and im proud of myself

* went off on a mystery bus trip to buy a preowned 3ds and pokemon games from a lady in an online preowned stuff facebook group and it didnt go horribly and i am glad! She was really nice and i witnessed A Good And Smart Parenting Moment and man it healed my heart and i wish i'd been raised that way. Again i'll probably ramble about the details later when im less tired, it really touched my heart seriously! And now i have MANY GIFTS FOR SIS!

* in total i was out present shopping from 9am to 8pm and i clicked my shoulder out of its socket for a split second from.all the heavy bags. Now im in a lot of aches and i need a sleeps

The End

[time-2-vent]

So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

.

.

.

.

Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

[i-hate-lloyd-garmadon]

@bemmiecake k den lol if you really werent talking about me and it was just a, coincidence then shit my bad lol

im on mobile so i cant add a read more sorry hoes its a long post

EDIT: finally there’s a read more

skybound is a bad season because of how poorly it treated its characters and trying to be "progressive" but instead just recycling the same harmful clichés and going nowhere with the problems it supposedly wanted to tackle.

the biggest issue i have with it is yeah, nya, this is by far her worst season, and i dont mean it as nya herself, or wherether she kicked butt in this season or not, but instead how the writers practically gave her no choice over her actions. she even says she didnt have a choice over becoming the water ninja, but its the writers who decided that, it wasnt wu, it wasnt jay, theyre fictional characters with no real life power. the writers ripped nya off all her will to choose, back in possession when they introduced her as the elemental master of water, she DIDNT have to become a ninja, her powers are not tied to lloyd in any way and she couldve stayed as a samurai just fine. but instead they decided to add more drama, because nya is a girl and girls are all about drama! right? they treat their only main female character SO badly, she's the writers punching bag for whenever they want to shove romantic drama in our face, neither pixal or skylor had it this badly (although each have problem of their own)

its not like the production doesnt know what theyre doing is bad, they do. if they didnt, then, skybound wouldnt have actually adressed these issues.

anyway, at the very start of the season nya's initial conflict is being treated in a very misogynistic way by the media. being seen only as "the girl ninja" or "jays girlfriend" and the whole love triangle bs instead of her own person.which is a very legitimate problem that not only happens to her or other fictional characters, but to women in real life, i was slightly impressed they even /tried/ to confront this concept. but of course, they had to go ahead and tie this conflict to a man, they just HAD to un-develop jays character to make more drama. im not saying nya should be isolated from men lol, but every. single. woman. in EVERYTHING EVER MUST BE IN SOME WAY INVOLVED WITH A MAN. Its not progressive to say "girls its ok to date men!", nope, no. what we lack of instead is a positive "girls its ok to be on your own!" message.

so it INFURIATES me that they tried to add "feminism" (if u can even call that shit feminist lol) by making dareth say ooc shit like girls can only cook and do their makeup so nya can tell him how WRONG he IS and that girls are STRONG and INDEPENDANT!!!!!1111(SEE WE'RE SO OPEN MINDED LOVE US) and making jay obess over getting back again. they didnt solve anything, everything felt as if some unknown forces (bad writing) forced nya to just accept everything that happened to her. in the end she didnt do anything that she wanted to do, she stayed as a ninja and her and jay got together again, even when she literally said she WANTED TO BE A SAMURAI and that she DIDNT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. ugh, the writers made her complain about how wu didnt let her choose and then they didnt let her choose what to do about it lol.

and of COURSE, they had to make it even worse, they just HAD to kill her off at the end. one of the oldest and most boring clichés in everything ever, and a misogynistic one at that. killing a female character just so her male love interest can grieve over her death is nothing new. and its even worse when you consider what happened to her in that entire season.

first she gets poorly treated by the media, she feels like shes not even a person of her own, nadakhan wants to kidnap her so he can marry her, then her ex gets obsessed with getting back together (jay was shit in this season), then she stays alone with said ex which probably influenced her decision on getting back with him (the whole "i knew from the moment we met" thing is so forced), later she gets kidnapped, forced to marry nadakhan and gets possessed by delara, only to die after in a failed tearjerker scene. how did her character develop? it didnt, she was used to develop jays character instead. all the things happening to her where to see how jay would react or act, not to make nya grow as a character. even after she was "part of the team" now they still treated her only as jay's love interest.

theres literally no lesson to be learned from nya dying lol we DONT need dead women in a kids cartoon, specially one that is directed at young boys. it being all erased at the end didnt make it any better tbh it just felt like this season was a waste of time.

tldr; the ninjago writers tried to be progressive but failed miserably

so yeah nya being poorly treated is what bothers me the most, ofc theres other things i also mentioned like jays un-development, dareth's ooc lines, and the bad messages this season gives to girls in general. but this post is already long as it is and my hands hurt from typing for almost an hour lol.

idk if im missing something but its almost 3 am and thats p much why i hate skybound, bye

[jessiewre]

Day 61 & 62

Thurs 5th & Fri 6th Mar

Written April 2020

How did our Africa trip end I hear you ask?

Can’t believe how much has happened since my last post. Strange to look at that. March 4th seems like a year ago! And like only yesterday at the same time. We had just arrived at Arusha town in Tanzania after Phil’s Kilimanjaro half marathon and we were trying to get ourselves organised for some safaris.

Little did we know back then that we would be landing back in the UK less than 3 weeks later...

But before I go into all that, lets start off back in Arusha...

We had arrived at Arusha and hit a bit of a slump. Phil’s big race was over and we were being slow and unproductive in organising ourselves. Maybe he was suffering with a bit of post race blues (I, on the other hand, certainly was NOT and was positively thrilled our lives were no longer centred around RUNNING and we could stop talking about it. Ok not quite, start talking about it less).

I also got a broken tooth which used up a lot of time and energy. Two things we arguably had quite a bit of I appreciate, but still - finding a dentist on google in a random foreign country is not fun (and its not the first time I’ve done it either - shout out Mexico 2018). Our Dentiist criteria went something like this - Which Dentist looked the most like an actual real dentist, and Which Dentist had reviews that looked the least like they’d all been done by the same person. One Dentist had reviews by 10 people all with the same surname I kid you not.

Luckily the Moldovan couple at Dentist Tanya gave, at the very least, a reassuring smile on arrival. I stared at their teeth wide-eyed to try and get an idea of their standards (thats a Densists CV right there isn’t it), but it was too quick and suddenly I was in the chair agreeing to some sort of drilling and digging. Then somehow agreeing to not only going back the next day, but also 10 days later for a check up. Brilliant.

Oh well, at least we knew that we’d actually be there 10 days later, as Phil’s friend Chet’s arrival date of March 16th was edging closer. 
However this was definitely one of the main reasons we’d hit a bit of a wall.

We still hadn’t worked out the best plan for Chet’s itinerary. We were going back and forth with companies each day, talking through options and prices, then checking the options with Chet. We would spend the whole day doing research, then he would reject them based on price being too high - so we’d ask him his budget and he would simply say ‘Oh well you know me, I’m super chill go with the flow kinda thing, whatever is a good price’.

Yeah, not very useful mate.

So while not doing much in Arusha, apart from trying to work all this out and decide what safari’s we would fit in before Chet arrived (while eating a lot of Hot Plate curry), we met a nice Irish couple in our hostel. Sean & Jane*. We were all chatting away nicely and they mentioned they’d booked a pretty good deal for a 5 day safari. It was with a tour company that had been recommended by another traveller they’d met. Bingo! This was exactly what we’d needed! We were procrastinating with all these safari options and getting all mixed up, so this was a really useful tip off. They were only on a 2 week holiday so had got themselves well organised and done a lot of research for the best price too. Almost like they’d done all the hard work for us! We took the details of the company and decided we’d get in touch ourselves and see what was available. At some point. No rush like, as we still didn’t know what we were doing with Chet yet - so no point booking anything else!

And we were quite busy trying out all those curries right.

However, we soon realised that the issue with Chet’s itinerary was potentially our own doing, not Chet’s.

We realised we were acting like we had a tour company of our own and needed a 5* review at the end of it, so we were treating Chet like he was an actual client. We were trying to make his trip super duper crazy magical and therefore we were trying to do too much. In more detail - we were trying to take him to the Ngorongoro crater park, an incredible once in a lifetime experience to visit a sunken volcano national park FULL of nature. We figured we should give him the best possible considering he only had time to visit one park!

But it was actually not practical in the time we had, plus it was really expensive, and PLUS Phil and I were probably going to visiting there before Chet arrived anyway, as you had to go through it to visit the Serengeti park. That would have made it a twice in a lifetime trip for us then, which would have been fine if it wasn’t for the extremely hefty price tag that went with it. I won’t bore you with any more details.... but yeah, maybe Chet wasn’t the problem at all. We just needed to stop pushing him to do the crater tour.

By the time we’d realised all this and Chet had given us the go ahead to sack off the crater for his safari, it was the evening before the Irish couple were heading off. They were really excited for their big safari trip the next day and we sat chatting with them that evening while Phil sunk a ton of beers and sung some tunes with the hotel manager. We eventually went to bed promising we’d be up the next morning to wave them off.

It was my first thought the moment I woke up. Why weren’t we just going on the same safari trip with them?? We’d been hesitant to do it initially as we didn’t really know them and didn’t want to seem weird, but we all seemed to get on fine, so why not?

I nudged a snoozy Phil and told him my idea, but his response was a slurry ‘Don’t be ridiculous’ before rolling over to face the other way. But I looked at the clock - we still had an hour before they were being collected. Was it really that crazy? Looking back at Phil who was already snoring again, it seemed like it was.

So I got up and showered and pottered outside to see if they were up yet. I had a brief chat with them while they polished off some spanish eggs and sort of joked that I was jealous they were going and that I wish we’d booked it too. I glanced at them to gauge their reaction. They politely agreed and said Yeah, we should have.

Hmm...that seems fairly inviting...was there still time?

I went back into the room and saw that unbelievably, PHIL WAS AWAKE and getting into the shower. There was a glimmer of hope...

It was approaching 8am when Phil made it out of the room to the communal area and then he also said to them that He wished he was going on safari that morning too.

I think we were both sort of sounding them out to see what their reaction was, if they would mind us gatecrashing, even though neither of us were convinced we should definitely go...
But they just said ‘Yeah give the guy a call and see eh. They’re not collecting us for another 20 minutes’ anyway.

Phil looked at me.

‘Should I?’ he said

I looked at Phil.

‘Should you?’ I said.

We held the gaze for about 3 seconds before I interjected

‘Screw it, just call him and see’.

Well, 2 minutes later, Phil and I were scrambling our stuff into our bags, throwing clothes around the room like crazy and desperately trying to prep for a 5 day camping safari! Nothing like a bit of last minute spontaneity to make you feel alive!

Or make you sweat profusely and want another shower, knowing you probably won’t get a proper one for the next 5 days.

Or both those things.

Luckily the drivers were a touch late and I kid you not, the guy collecting us walked in literally as we zipped up the final bag. Our hotel had even prepped our breakfast for takeaway for us those lovely legends (on my request obvs, never one to miss a free meal me).

We all headed outside and there were two jeeps instead of one. Didn’t expect that.

Then the guy said ‘Two in one, two in another’

Oh. So we would be in separate vehicles? That was a shame. Hopefully wasn’t for the whole trip.

It still felt like we were the ones gatecrashing and we didn’t want to bulldoze in, so we shrugged at the Irish couple and said ‘You guys pick then. We’ll just go into the other’.

Well. They got in the front jeep, we got in the back one.

And it was the best decision we never made.

*Those are not their real names. Considering everyone in Ireland knows everyone then I figured I’d keep it vague before Phil’s family realise one of them is actually a friends uncles nephews boyfriends cousin’s cousin.

[andseperand]

thoughts

ive been sitting on this post for the better part of a year. i tried to read through it and make edits, but im going to have to post this as is. maybe ill be able to edit it someday. anyway, this is completely composed of spoilers.

tl;dr: i mostly wrote bitterness about “kung food,” “origins part 1,″ and “reflekta.”

these are my thoughts on what ive watched of the first season of miraculous ladybug (i have watched most of every episode except the last three).

i may be confused or misinformed on some points. some of this is not as serious as other parts, and the writing style is disjointed because i didnt write it all in one go. any links are formatted within brackets (as in [text]).

ordered by the order i initially watched (parts of) the episodes in and indicated by villain name somehow (english, korean, french, french translation, etc.).

stormy weather/climatika

why did alya just toss manon like that? she couldve hurt something just being thrown around with her tiny little bones and joints that lack any significant cushioning. not to mention that her neck is completely unsupported. safety, much?

the bubbler/le bulleur

so the record is fully functional but also survived getting smacked off a building on its edge? wow.

copycat/l’imposteur/the imposter

i get that alya is supposed to be that “go-getter” friend who pushes marinette to be brave, but honestly, if she had waited another minute for marinette to be more ready for making a phone call, this wouldve been less of a mess. yeah, i get the “pushing boundaries to build confidence,” but honestly we could have waited for marinette to stop stalking adrien, too.

i gotta say: marinette is truly fearless. my phone is so suspicious. i would not have the confidence to deliberately touch it with my face and risk contact with who knows what has been on it.

the “moral” or whatever of this episode is kind of unclear? steal someones phone and run into issues with security but then also somehow break into it and get what you want anyway? no, thats not okay. its not that funny that marinette legitimately stole someones phone, and she doesnt even get seriously reprimanded for this.

timebreaker/chronogirl

one of the most pressing questions i have for this episode is why no one thought of using pockets or a bag or something to hold this important watch. hand perspiration is pretty bad for a lot of older and newer mechanical objects alike. why is this clearly-important item treated any different? ive considered both the “tikki is in the bag” (doesnt mean it has to be marinettes bag) and the “girl pockets” (marinette designed her own clothes, though) possibilities, and im still stumped.

mister/monsieur/mr./m. pigeon

how did chloe know what the colors were or even what the embroidery pattern looked like from a pencil sketch? it looked like chicken scratch.

lady wifi

im not sure that “dont violate other peoples privacy” was very well stated, seeing as alya was landed with an unfairly harsh punishment due to corrupt politicians. and how did that get resolved, anyway? was she still suspended? was there even supposed to be a moral in this mess?

the pharaoh/le pharaon

the villain is a pharaoh, continuing the ages-long trend of pretending ancient egyptian culture is just ~so interesting~ and that its portrayal isnt exploitative at all. i cant really say much about this, but i dont like those special ancient egypt episodes of anything.

rogercop

a mess

im pretty sure that this was to save animation budget or something, but why was marinette picking up those croissants off the floor and arranging them so nicely as if it really mattered what she did with them besides cleaning up the spill? i guess ill let it slide if shes trained that way as an advertising thing (though advertising doesnt get a free pass by default just because its strange).

the evillustrator/evil artist/le dessinateur

off topic, but could that tablet also erase or create living beings?

dark cupid/le dislocoeur/heartbreaker

this was still technically a kiss without consent? doesnt really feel all that romantic and whatnot. i cant really get behind this as shipping material.

horrificator

side note: i really liked how chloes english voice actor delivered the lines mockingly announcing mylenes “award” in the beginning.

im not a fan of the “you must kiss as part of acting” plot point. it always gives off those peer pressure vibes from other people and opportunistic vibes from main characters who want to actually kiss the other person.

darkblade/le chevalier noir/the black knight

sabrina is honestly super lucky that marinette made her box have a hole big enough for super tiny animated character wrists or else she wouldve been in a world of more pain.

alya had a platform? im so confused about how this election worked. did they do ballots or some sort of “heads down” in-class vote thing?

the/le mime

seeing as people dont lose their memories of being attacked by the villains, i really dont see how tearing down the eiffel tower (even in an animated show where people are not in the structure at the time) is the best way to minimize traumatic experiences. i get that it was supposed to be a “wow” moment for the plot and just visual effects but not the appeal.

kung food

the second i ever laid my eyes on this name i knew it would be bad, i just didnt know how bad because there were just so many ways it couldve gone with that phrase and i didnt know what to expect until i actually watched the episode. more on this in a bit.

there was literally no point to having the famous chef be related to marinette other than contrived circumstances to get adrien into this episode. im using this as a launching off point for talk of other stuff.

why didnt marinettes parents do anything about a relative coming to their house? this really baffles me because they have their daughter meet an effective stranger with no help.

why didnt marinettes parents tell her what languages the relative spoke? honestly, it kind of seems like they just didnt even care if this would cause her extreme anxiety or anything. you would really think they would have at least discussed this as a family because it was made pretty clear that his visit was actually expected. i thought way higher of their characters until it seemed that they pulled this crap move.

i know it was supposed to be all cute and a bonding moment when adrien came over to translate, but it was even more of a disaster. why did they take a car literally around the corner to get to the hotel? why didnt the chef go directly to the hotel if it was so close? was that adriens car? who was in charge of organizing this event and making sure the contestants didnt end up in the wrong place? how in the world did the chef even get to the bakery? because of the close proximity of the hotel to the bakery, it doesnt make sense that he would go to the bakery instead from an airport or something? unless he was supposed to meet his relatives? which, in this case, was not facilitated at all? so many questions are raised.

i dont speak nor understand mandarin, but im pretty sure adriens wasnt good enough for him to actually be complimented for it. then again, its nothing new to see white people getting complimented for deigning to learn a ~foreign language~ while i get interrogated about my lack of “authenticity” for not speaking “my native tongue,” so i guess the writers were just being realistic.

he bowed...funny story, at least one time i went to a restaurant with other visibly asian people and the apparently-white waiter kept making this weird head bobbing motion every time they left the table and what im saying here is that i know adrien has presumably been learning about culture stuff, but i also know firsthand that creators really love to shove bowing into media whenever asian people show up. (that waiter did give us extra mints, so i guess that was nice.)

sarcasm alert: i love when ~asian~ people have ~asian~ accents. its not like this is a tired gimmick that i dont need to see literally everywhere i turn (oh, wait! according to the english version, it is! hooray for me! this is probably the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me ever! im not being sarcastic at all! or overly sarcastic to the point where im sarcastically putting in that everything ive written in this paragraph is sarcastic because im just so mad! or maybe it definitely is! it probably is all sarcasm!) [bonus sarcasm here]

the chefs english/default dub language fluency was either inconsistent or this was just a straight-up rude portrayal of a nonnative speaker of a language, because adrien didnt seem to wait five seconds (for the chef to even consider the question about what he was cooking) before talking to the chef (and naturally, being a polite person, the chef listened to what adrien was saying), and i feel like it was only for the sake of adrien being ~useful~ because right after that, he talks to the chef in english/whatever language? dont think i didnt notice that his english speaking got “better” after becoming a villain. you know, if they hadnt faked the accent in the first place, they wouldnt have had to hastily cover for the fact that their voice actor couldnt even execute it well.

im sure adrien and marinette tag-teaming to argue with chloe and her racist comments was supposed to be this whole “wow look at that team” deal, but it felt like adrien was shoehorned into this mess sloppily. woohoo for the white boy defending marinette because she cant do it herself or something! i do appreciate when white people help stand up for me, but in this context, it feels off.

i have such a big problem with the “pep talk” adrien gives marinette when she thinks the chef doesnt like her. first thing, white boy explaining things about a person of color to a person of color, and the two people are actually literally related? i think the bouquet misunderstanding was really bizarre, and when did adrien have time to gain all this extensive exposition? the interview when they first arrived was short, and i dont think that both adrien and the chef would be so rude as to exclude marinette from their conversation in the car on the way over. this just comes off as a way to have adrien ~encouraging~ marinette, and its not a very good one.

this supposedly super prestigious competition literally has no security to make sure no one is mucking around behind the scenes, let alone ensure that the contestants arent up to any funny business. because why not. and no cameras around either, because cooking-based television programs never show any cooking, just the tasting and subsequent subjugation by a villain (this is a sarcastic sentence). even if this is supposed to be a featured dish and thus one they dont want to showcase the recipe behind, they could still have those little soundbites interspersed with candid panorama shots (can you tell i have no idea what any of these words mean?). im just going to have to chalk this one up to animation budget and move on.

i know this was just a sort of (intendedly funny) visual thing, but i highly doubt that the objects chloe put in the soup could just go unnoticed, especially since i presume a chef would thoroughly stir (and taste) their cooking, and the soup didnt appear to have properties of decomposing things touching it. otherwise that tasting session would probably have turned out a little messier (i am completely kidding here).

why is the chef being upset about being sabotaged made into a ~cultural~ thing? why is a white boy telling marinette about her ~own~ culture? sheesh, its like you cant just be upset because your shot at a world title was ruined on live television and you have confirmation that you were deliberately sabotaged. yes, chloe did it because shes petty and racist, but the results of her actions could upset anyone! its not just because the chef is chinese! what is the point of saying that? its a pointless throwaway comment! why dont you just find some other way to get the chef alone so he can be become a villain that isnt a) nonsensical and b) making sweeping generalizations about people? (granted, i cant speak to the validity of anything said about cultures, but i sure can comment on why saying such things about them isnt okay regardless).

“kung food” oh my god. this is such a piece of crap name. it is racist. you can literally try to argue against this until youve gone far beyond oxygen deprivation and in a grave but itll still be racist by the time youre done. aside from the pharaoh, there arent a bunch of ~ethnic~ names (not that it would be okay for that to be the case anyway) running around, and yet we get one with this specific villain whose ethnic and national origin is talked to death? okay.

and ive seen this pointed out, but the villain appearance seems to have a kind of anime-inspired design, which is honestly a good laugh because who was just talking about not conflating china and japan again? weeaboos and sinaboos are often in the same boat.

okay, not related, but adrien just had to taste a suspicious substance off the floor. why. there are so many ways to figure out what a substance is before putting it in your mouth. or you could just not do that at all. before this point, they did not appear to suspect a food-related villain, so this couldve ended badly.

another side note: i dont know how that receipt retained its integrity long enough for ladybug to wrap the villain up after dipping it in the soup. do the magical items just have super special properties like extra toughness that allows them to defy the reality of paper receipts? i wonder how many of the things ive talked about in this post have been me marveling at the sturdiness of lucky charm items.

of course this turns into an ~accountability~ lesson for marinette. and chloe doesnt get reprimanded? yeah, she got booted off a panel she didnt even want to be on and no one actually clearly articulated to her that the things she said were absolutely unacceptable? then again, this is a “diversity episode,” so i dont know why my standards are so high.

wow, marinette really needed to have adrien encourage her before going to take a picture with her great-uncle? im going to be generous and allow that she wanted to make sure he would be okay with her ditching him for her much cooler great-uncle because she didnt want him to feel bad about how not-cool he is in comparison. there, you see what i mean about making up story elements? (though im really not much of a writer, oops.)

im so over people making fun of how others dress as a joke. before i realized that i am autistic and reflected back on my life, i didnt realize that i gravitate toward clothing i find comfortable rather than fashionable, and ive always gotten negative comments, ill-intended or otherwise. so i really didnt appreciate marinettes jab at chloe, even if it was to defend herself. it was just unnecessary.

i want to talk about the whole ~chinese representation~ thing in this show. yeah, i know marinette is one of the very few chinese and mixed main characters out there (and there are barely any that are both), but im going to be super honest about this: i dont think shes all that great. i am a big fan of her and this show, but that doesnt make it infallible. the fact that adrien of all people is telling her about her own culture is a huge failing in itself. i dont know everything about my own cultures, but its not cool to have a literal outsider being shown to be the expert on someones culture and be the one to guide them through that. theres barely any portrayal of sino stuff in the show as is, and i hate the way this is only shown as a kind of special episode topic. i would be way more fine with this if this wasnt basically the sole instance of discussion of marinettes heritage. and no, the fact that her mother wears stereotypical clothing doesnt count. at all.

okay, this has been a huge issue for me before and after this point, but it was in this episode that it was made abundantly clear just what we are dealing with. i know that it is completely possible, genetically speaking, for a mixed chinese and white person to have blue eyes. its also completely possible for a chinese person to have gray eyes even without being mixed (i say this because i dont know if her mother is monoracial). however, if you only have two confirmed recurring characters of chinese descent, and their eye colors are ~special~ colors...well, thats kind of iffy there. why is it that the minor chinese character has stereotypical eyes? theyre basically just expanded pupils for all intents and purposes, which is not the problem, because its possible to have irises that are so dark as to make figuring out whether they have a distinguishable brown tint to them really hard. anyway, i suppose i dont want to talk about things ahead in the season, but why is it that the background asian characters get the stereotypical eyes but the main characters who are asian get the special eye colors? (that was a rhetorical question. i know exactly why.)

im pretty that at some point in the creation of this villain name, someone patted themself on the back for being so ~clever~ like “haha kung food geddit? its like kung fu but with food because im actually not that creative and more racist than i would like to openly admit.” okay, i know im being a bit harsh. but its really annoying when one of the few things people “know” about sino people is that kung fu exists. and honestly, i kind of suspected this, but ive seen other people say that the villain more resembles a villain from anime, so...thats kind of disrespectful there...

the/le gamer

i really disliked marinettes combo move names. they all had ~asian~ words like lotus, jade, oriental, etc.

animan

i find the sniffing scene to be kind of creepy. personal space much?

the city has really high quality buses. i cant believe the bus didnt end up backfiring on their plan because if i know anything about buses its that the ones ive seen are probably way older and more decrepit than me.

antibug

how do the earrings work in this setting? as far as i can tell, it would make sense for chloe to have pierced ears and a pair of ladybug imitation earrings that she could put it, but how is it possible that ladybug was able to just pull the earrings off? because that could be a really, really messy situation if they are actually piercings with backings and everything, but is there an explanation for this? magnets, clips, anything?

the puppeteer/le marionnettiste

can that glowing bright red effect that comes from her yo-yo and the power cord being swung around just for the viewers, or can it actually be seen in-universe? or is that a null point because both items are generated by ladybugs magic?

reflekta

this show really didnt need any “haha look a ~guy~ in a dress” jokes. and honestly, this was ill handled (though arguably, its very existence was ill handled). first of all, im not the best judge of this kind of thing, but to me, ladybug felt out of character while mocking chat noir? honestly, marinette doesnt strike me as the type of person to find that kind of situation funny in the first place, so the premise doesnt really hold up in my opinion. i know marinette can make mistakes, but youd really think she would be more open to not thinking this way because she knows what its like to be bullied for other things. moving on... [though, to reiterate]

the way this was not addressed? at all? yeah, ladybug apologized for that one comment at the beginning of their conversation, but then she continued to make jokes at chat noirs expense, and it just wasnt as funny as it was probably intended to be?

i know the whole thing about ambiguous chronology, but there is no reason ladybug wouldnt take chat noirs opinion into account when planning for things anyway. it felt like that part was written specifically so he could “prove” his worth to the rest of the episode and ensure that, yes, he is still allowed to be in it after being turned into a reflekta lookalike, and the whole thing smacks of trying to write out of a corner...that was written into in the first place. if it hadnt gone the route it did with the mocking of appearances, i dont think it would have had to be as convoluted as it ended up being.

i personally dont care for high heels, but i dont get the kind of “fashion cracks” that were being made about them. like yes, high heels can be hard to move in? yeah, it isnt fun being turned into the appearance of someone who isnt you against your will? i just dont understand this gag.

guitar villain

did ladybug really honestly just full-on spray someone in the face with the contents of an aerosol can? im aware that the point was that the hair was in front of his face, but what if some had gotten into guitar villains eyes? dang, what if someone tries to emulate this in real life? ouch.

digital/numeric

kind of done with the spotlight on stalking behavior this show has.

marinette still shows no fear of suspicious screens. she continues to use parts of her face to touch one multiple times, never mind that she literally flings her yoyo all over the place.

stoneheart/coeur de pierre i

did marinette have pierced ears in the first place? shes not shown taking any earrings out, and we dont get that clear a view of her earlobes anyway. that might be deliberate for modeling budget and all.

master fu has brown eyes. so thats like four ~chinese~ characters that are in this show, and the main character and her mother have the special eye colors, and the minor character who is somewhat important to the plotline has non-black eyes, and the minor one-episode character has the black eyes. what a shining example of diversity (no).

anyway this is a good point to say that some things are just not for you. there are things that you just cant be a part of no matter how much you want to be because it just doesnt work that way. and the mess that is the miraculous “mythology” is definitely an example of this. i myself have very little knowledge of anything sino, but i sure as heck can spot that this...”history” thing is so off.

at this point i should probably mention i really dislike master fu as a character in general. just as a single point, apparently hes based off the teacher character in karate kid? i saw somewhere that the creator said he basically made marinette mixed because he was dating an asian person when he was thinking about the show and that marinette is basically his idea of their mixed kid? and back to the eye color thing (again), ive even seen someone with green eyes and blue hair suggest to him that they could be the child of marinette and adrien, and he said theyre like his grandchild? (im not really inclined to try to dig up an iron-clad, indisputably genuine source for this right now, but if youre honestly searching for completely serious, well-researched information in a really good quality post, this is not the post you are looking for.) i have no idea where i was even going with this paragraph.

stoneheart/coeur de pierre ii

why is marinette so invested in her crush on adrien? this couldve been a sweet crush, but no, she has to make it so creepy? leading up to this episode, i really didnt know what to expect because i really thought there would be some sort of explanation for just how extreme the lengths marinette goes to are, but from what i can tell, shes just being super invasive? the ambiguous timeline doesnt really help with this, nor does the fact that the origins episodes were aired at the end of the season. whatever characterization was supposed to be inferred from this feels choppy and unnecessary.

simon says/jackady/jacques a dit

i dont really blame her, but ladybug totally could have reduced the level of adrien distractedness going on here. shes previously shown signs of compartmentalizing ladybug and even having to face the fact that it isnt worth using up her power over adrien, but gosh golly, what gives?

princess/princesse fragrance

ive seen criticisms of how ladybug was written to be overly competent in this episode, which i think is fair since it keeps happening, and its so late in the season by this point that its gotten tired.

volpina

i try not to be too judgmental, but frankly, adrien is not that great of a prize.

anyway, from what i can tell about this episode, i think that there was too much on marinettes flaws, which i really think is a bit much to have in the last chronological episode of a season. its already been established that she makes mistakes with her decisions, but i just thought her unequal prioritization of adrien was too much. it just seemed contrived to squeeze in scenes that the creators wanted to animate regardless of overall context in the show, which is really unfortunate because of how the show becomes a little less chronologically ambiguous at this point.

[flockofdoves]

wait ok maybe a bad time to start this at 1:30am (<- started this post last night lmao) but i’ve been thinking so much (for a long time but this week i think maybe prompted by jonny saying stuff in the s5 q&a part 3 about fanon character designs getting more homogenous as the fandom gets bigger its really been on my mind again) about my thoughts on the magnus archives character design stuff

(this turned into such a fucking long post my god sorry lol. just writing this for my own purposes really but i feel ridiculous i spent like a good portion of the past day writing this out dkjfhgfd)

like i already said on that other post character design stuff is full of so much under the surface both really silly and almost nonsensical (like ‘oh this character just feels like they have a lot of triangles incorporated into their design’ or the slightly more connected to reality arbitrary ideas people have about what type of character might wear glasses) and stuff thats incredibly loaded and very much connected to real life systems of oppression. so its like. idk. i like drawing people and fashion and harmonizing shapes and the idea of coming up with people who dont exist through abstracted drawings that somehow click and that can feel cohesive even with different angles/expressions/poses/etc is really fun to me conceptually but Character Design(tm) as a thing even outside of established tropes and schools of it that really lean into elements that can uphold gross shit as shorthand just inevitably theres so much to consider in the implications of making a person (visually) and ascribing traits to them (or i guess in this case largely the opposite)

so thats not something id call fun its just important and inevitably a big factor if i’m going to put any of this to words and can only hope i do so non-clumsily when i wanna talk about this on the whole just bc i find the process of how fanon designs get homogenized interesting (and the purpose of it understandable and maybe a bit inevitable in certain contexts) but also regardless of any actual potential problematic implications in any of that just bc i like the creative process of coming up with character designs i like trying to see when it comes to practicing that through applying it to characters in non-visual media i care about how i can break my guides for what they could look like down to their bare essentials between canon description, things i vibe with personally, etc so that if i have all that written down for myself it can be a good starting place for just experimenting with designs (i dont have any desire to settle on any one design for these characters but its just good general practice for this stuff) and maybe pushing a bit against some things that seem to be generally defaulted to mix things up or w/e. so yeah i’ve just wanted to write all this out for myself for a while, so after that long fucking intro fdkgh here goes!

jon!!!

ok so canonically hes born about 1987 and is like roughly 28-31 throughout the series but looks older to the point where he straight up lies and says hes a decade older at one point, he has graying hair, has been described as looking like he hasnt slept in weeks

(this bullet point contains spoilers up to early s4) depending on what part of canon youre describing him in he canonically has scars from worms probably all over his body (post ep 39), a burn scar on his hand (probably right and probably roughly shaped like a handprint) (post ep 89), actually i’m checking on the wiki now and it specifically says melanie stabbed him in the shoulder? but rereading the transcript and another couple parts that i thought potentially could mention it i dont believe it ever actually specifies (maybe the person who wrote that is conflating how both melanie and daisy’s first injuries from the slaughter are on their shoulders? so even if not canon good guess i guess that his scar from thats on his shoulder) (post ep 125) plus also probably on his throat from daisy (post ep 91), somewhere from michael stabbing him (post ep 47), and who knows maybe even something from mike crew (probably not it was just the height part of things not a lightning strike but i saw fanart of him getting a lichtenberg figure scar once from that which was interesting) (post ep 91)

has been described as ‘scrawny’ and ‘little’ which may just be more of a insult but because of that i support manlet jon lol. also because of that tend to think of him as skinny and not very muscular but i’m def not opposed to him being fat i think its really fun when i do see interpretations of him as such esp in juxtaposition with martin its nice having stuff sometimes where its two fat characters in a relationship. but if i’m leaning on every little word to narrow down character design i’d say hes most likely thin and probably short too.

getting into stuff with no real canon basis, i am a fan of him having long hair like a lot of fanon has him with. its a very tangential justification because i know its more the specific events surrounding this this was describing but when he was described as a “grubby jesus” that helped lol

but! my jon hair opinion that seems to differ from fanon is that i think maybe itd make sense with him being described as looking older and stuff to give him a bit of a receding hairline

not sure about glasses either way i think it just comes down to the specific design whether it looks good or not. there is something conceptually funny to me about giving an avatar of the eye glasses and debating whether that “makes sense” or not lol. one time i saw someones design where he stopped needing to wear glasses later on and i thought that was kinda fun

i don’t really care for like. idk. glowing green eyed jon or multiple eyes or w/e. like i get it. idk probably somethings happening when hes doing like the ceaseless watcher thing or like that one scene where he forced a statement out of that person who described him as “all eyes” like the phrase but maybe not just that as a phrase. so that plus the cover art of the show being green and making people probably theme stuff on that color i guess i cant blame people for doing that but idk just like. it feels kinda just Blah and not that novel to see a lot of the time and a bit too tropey or w/e for my personal taste unless people mix it up a bit. so i tend to prefer him just looking like some guy even later on usually. also with just like brown eyes or w/e

okay so this next part is for both jon and martin because i cant fit this into either of their sections because i feel like i cant adequately talk about this without doing it in juxtaposition to one another

this post summarizes basically anything i’m reiterating here far better but basically by nature of this being a podcast written by a white person for whom most of the first characters voiced (who included most of the most frequently appearing characters outside of those described by others because they were reoccurring avatars or w/e long before voice appearances) were from a small pool of people at a majority white company and their family members, even if that wasnt “intentional” of course that pattern happens so much and more productions should be conscious of that from the get go and reach outside their immediate circles to cast more actors of color from the start of their productions if they have the resources to properly compensate them. so basically from there theres no real totally satisfying solution for portraying “aracial” characters acted and written by white people’s race, because the situation just isn’t ideal in the first place

so like, with that in mind, i know its a bit of a mixed bag with jon in fanon being pretty consistently either ambiguously a person of color or specifically south asian, because i know people of color who were excited from fanon going in for him to be a person of color only to realize hes written and voiced by a white guy and has no canon race (which might just somewhat default to him being written as white since theres no active thought to how him being a person of color, let alone any specific race or ethnicity, might affect anything), but then on the other hand, characters with no race given being defaulted to being portrayed as white is absolutely another common issue in fandoms of things like books and podcasts. so personally because of that i would feel weird portraying him as white in my own designs in contrast with how consistently hes depicted as a person of color, but i would be interested in potentially depicting him as other races beyond the default fanon of him being south asian too (although theres def stuff to consider there that doesnt prevent any interpretation but just is there regardless like his dynamic with daisy in like s4)

and then this post expresses things better than i could ever rehash, but because of the stuff outlined in there in my own attempts at character designs i try to avoid making martin white because of the juxtaposition between that and making jon a person of color in their dynamic. not as pertinent and not something i’ve taken in from any fan of color saying it so i’m definitely not dictating this just talking out my thought process, but by extension of this i’ve also tried to consider how colorism in juxtaposition between them might make it sit better to have martin have darker skin than jon. this does get a bit weird though when balancing how martin has a couple really goofy lines implying ignorance about police abusing their power (i guess charitable interpretations could be that hes plenty aware but nonetheless vocalizing shock in the moment of it actually happening in front of him), so even if as one of the few characters i’ve posted designs of before i drew him as black, when i remembered those lines i guess its just an issue of an “aracial” character being defaulted to being written as if hes white, so even if he certainly could still be black (or any race besides white who might not have the luxury of ignorance about police brutality) it just makes clear that by him being written the way he was nothings ideal because theres not necessarily much depth that can be taken from canon to make certain depictions of him as satisfying or well fleshed out as they could be. oh also so inconsequential to the rest of this and i dont care about this at all beyond just latching onto any scrap to base things off of but the fact that martin maybe knows at least some polish i feel like thats not a language most people just know from school (esp as someone who didnt go to college) or w/e so maybe his mom is polish so probably hes part white at least to wildly extrapolate from there? idrc tho its just one more thing to note on the subject depictions of jon and martins races

martin!

canonically the same age as jon (so approximately born 1987 and roughly 28-31 throughout the series)

theres at least like 4 things in canon that can be used to say hes canonically fat, and some of those lines also more just generally describe him as “big” or w/e so while i dont care about sticking to this as much its easy to argue hes tall too (esp that one point where he says a worm “jumped literally 6 feet through the air at my face” which i guess could be approximate or the worm like. arcing lol and also iirc jonny says he doesnt remember writing that line but regardless its another thing to latch onto to narrow down design stuff)

melanie!

canonically has a scar on her shoulder (as of late 2016), probably on her leg too (if not by early 2017 then by early 2018/ep 125), and is described as skinny

(spoilers for late s4) (also eye trauma mention) post ep 155 she’s blind but trying to research what exactly she might look like like would the results of the damage she does with the awl after going to the hospital would her eyes need to be eviscerated vs enucleated? idk. thinking about lydia saying in a s3 extra in retrospect talking about this where shes like ‘it wouldn’t work like that with [an awl]!’ bc . lol yeah idk. or like would she have scarring on her eyelids or anything, would she have glass eyes, would she feel a need to wear sunglasses to protect her eyes or as a visual cue that shes blind (bc idt shed be the type to just wear it to hide her eyes) or not, etc. i’m not sure! one thing i do know for sure though thats a pet peeve in art is that people make her cane have a red stripe on it when it the UK especially a red striped white cane is for deafblind people, so her cane is most likely just plain white (also theres different styles of white canes but from researching i think shed probably make use of a long cane imo)

my biggest non-canon appearance thought about her is just. melanie king butch 💗

i do think its fun when characters get drawn with unnaturally colored dyed hair for no real reason and do think people should have fun with that more but simultaneously the contrarian in me gets annoyed with how common blue grown out roots straight hair bob melanie is. like the fun of the novelty of being ‘fuck it dying this characters hair’ gets sucked out of it from it being so consistent in fanon. also while she def could be a long haired butch or w/e regardless i just wish fanon of her was way more masc for my own self indulgent reasons

basira

i think the only canonical appearance description is the implication that shes not thin by jared when describing her, melanie, and martin, distinguishing melanie as “the skinny one”

hussain specifically as a surname spelled that way while i’m def no expert, from people i know personally and looking online too seems to be most common specifically with pakistani, indian, and bangladeshi muslims so it makes the most sense to have her be depicted as south asian. considering her VA, her being part black could make sense too but also i feel like its kinda a Thing in a lot of media where they’ll barely have black characters but when they do they’ll make them cops so like idk that’d def require more thought to it.

definitely not on authority on this of course this is just me talking through my own thoughts but i feel like maybe the common fanon of her being a hijabi feels a bit just like . theres not much thought behind it for a lot of people doing it? like it feels like ‘she has a muslim name’ -> ‘she’s muslim’ -> ‘she wears a hijab’ and not much else. like theres just like a whole lot that would need to be unpacked with any main character being religious in this series and actually specifically iirc theres a part in season 5 or something where her and jon reflect on the implications of all this on human religion? and both seem a bit agnostic in their approach. and of course theres people who wear hijabs who arent particularly religious (just like obviously vice versa) but for adults in places that arent majority muslim i feel like a main motivator for that would be connection with ones wider community? but basically all of the main characters in this story like necessarily with the themes and how all this was able to happen to them they feel pretty atomized from any real community (she specifically is paralleled with martin in how she latches onto daisy) none of this is at all to say she couldn’t be practicing islam and/or a hijabi but just that if thats how people want to depict her i think it deserves more thought than just drawing her as such (like for one example of how people have done cool things with making characters muslim i appreciate this artists comics about muslim jon (1, 2, 3)) but yeah! idk just something i’ve been thinking about but very much is not something i can act like an authority on of course. because being a hijabi is something stigmatized i do nonetheless feel slightly weird if i were to go against that fanon but idk

part of me is like ‘we dont need more butch cops’ but then the other part of me just defaults to wanting to make every woman gnc lol. for w/e reason i tend to picture her dressing pretty practically in like khaki cargo pants and hiking boots and flannels and such

daisy

canonically theres here starburst shaped scar on the back of her shoulder

(spoilers for mid s4) i dont care to find it now but i feel like once she was described as scrawny or skinny or whatever (not sure how much focusing on muscle vs thinness if so) but if so that was after she came out of the coffin so i dont think that really implies she always looked like that and i think maybe even by contrast could be implying she was muscular before

def think it makes sense to make her white. generally i do see her similar to fanon depictions of her although i do kinda wish in juxtaposition people would make more women look butch besides her. i think when i first pictured her before seeing fanart or anything it was pretty similar in build and hair color and demeanor such as most of fanon but i pictured her with like . you know like the tight bun women in the military wear lol. so its more ambiguous if her flavor of powertripping “tough” white woman is gay or not. but idrc regardless i dont plan on making much art of her

tim

uhhh i think the only canonical description of him beyond his worm scars (post ep 39) is that basira called him hot in comparison to jon and martin lol

ever since i started listening i keep defaulting to picturing him vaguely like tim from marble hornets lol. so like idk i think its fun when he has defined eyebrows and sideburns and stuff. but not even that i’m really Set on i think theres a lot of fun potential designs for him

sasha

canonically has long hair, is tall, and has glasses

(spoilers for either end of s1 or end of s2 depending on if you’ve figured out something. if you know you know lol) like obviously theres weird stuff in juxtaposition if you make not!sasha a different race than her. i think probably regardless theyre the same race considering melanie didnt note that when describing what sasha looked like. idrc about figuring out what not!sasha looks like ig if i ever make art of her i’ll just figure it out

i think this was the first art i ever saw of her like right around the week or so i started listening to the show that was posted and a mutual reblogged it so i think from basically the start thats how i pictured her essentially. but the main parts of ‘long dark hair, glasses’ i internalized from that are so close to just canon so maybe not saying much

georgie

uhhhh i dont think theres any canon description of her? and i dont have very many opinions on what she does look like honestly except that i think she looks very bisexual lol. i like the idea of her presenting pretty gnc but still maybe having some fun with feminine aesthetics too, but honestly making her present totally masc is really cool too

oh also wrt body type stuff. part of me is a bit tired of how sometimes it feels like fat characters only get to be in romantic relationships if its with skinny characters and rarely are there character designs of two fat people together and melanie is canonically skinny (which doesnt really matter i Could ignore it but i like latching onto descriptions just to narrow things down) and jons maybe implied to be which makes jon/martin like that too. but on the other hand idec i care more about just having fat wlw characters so if melanie in all i project on her cant be that then georgie will be

oliver!

only canonical description of him i believe is “tall, black and careworn, deep lines of worry etched into an otherwise handsome face”

uhh beyond that idk.. not really set on this at all but i feel like maybe he dresses like. business goth lol. like idk. well put together casual clothes like nice quality short sleeve button ups and chinos or nice cuffed jeans but maybe darker colors and a bit of a vaguely edgy but not tacky flair (like fucking idk. raven pattern button up or something lol)

i saw some art of him once where he had long locs and also just idk he was like doing that ominous floaty thing which included his hair and that had a nice rhythm in the art together with the black tendrils in the background so i could appreciate him having long locs/braids/twists or something. but def not set on that and ofc theres like a lot of years to depict him between he could have various hair styles

this is hard to really judge but ive seen posts where people are like ‘haha i draw oliver just like i drew kravitz in the adventure zone’ which is like vaguely annoying to me idk lol. but of course i cant Really know if thats what people are doing from depiction alone bc theres no set appearance for kravitz himself but sometimes i get the Vibes thats whats someones doing and its just like. whatever idk. branch out and design another character!!

there are literally soooooo many more characters i really thought i could make a short-ish thing for each character beyond a few necessary addendums but god even on inconsequential shit this post is already SO fucking long lol so i’m giving up for now i’ve done most of the main people plus my favorite side character so its fine i can get back to this later if i really want to

[rantsbymiriam]

Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.

I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)

I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me. 

Then I woke up. 

How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!

 I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is 

1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu. 

Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality.  Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..

You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.

I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...

So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50. 

I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it. 

I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.

For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet.  I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later. 

You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there. 

Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.

And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.

It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later. 

Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage.  You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.

Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....

Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.

Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must. 

For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating. 

If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....

Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)

Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....

(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day. 

[kimboly27]

People are strange........

I’ve been meaning to get back on here and just say whats on my mind and so im going to start with the interesting world of people and us as humans. Some of this may not make any sense to anyone and thats ok but for me, i like to just talk and see what happens.

But before i get to where i am now with people,i sort of have to go back to where my thoughts on people sort of changed over the years......

November 4th 2011 and i lost my dad in one of the most horrific traffic collisions to happen in the UK. The first 3 to 4 years from that were hell and i can easily admit that. From that day my whole life was turned upside down and changed. Going through court cases,enquiries,the press hunting you down,people either being there for you or not being there at all. Something like that effects people differently. I’ve seen the best in people over the years and I've also seen the worst for whatever reasons. But my attitude to people has changed since then and continues to do so.

With all that going on as well i also went through a real shitty relationship with a right bastard. Im not sorry for saying that either as he really was. He was a narcissistic wanker who took full advantage of me going through some real shit stuff to then being his punching bag. Thankfully only mentally but the damage was done and its taken me a few years to get over such a person who treats another person like shit. When you are one minute made to feel like the most important person in the world to then the shit on the bottom of someones shoe,oh boy does it mess you up. But saying that,the best thing that asshole ever did was end it with me and F off somewhere up north. He will forever be a F up and continue to abuse people/woman because he is just pure evil and will never get help for his many many issues and will NEVER be happy and that tbh makes me happy,but of course i dont think about that waste of breath anymore,but soon it’ll be i think 5 years since he ended it and i got away from all that bs and i could not be happier. Yeah sure i had to start from scratch mentally on myself as that f***er took every bit of confidence i had in me and destroyed me, but i can now at least say i have never been happier.

With becoming happier and more confident again i see the attitudes and responses i get from people. After dealing with a narc my view on people,male or female is well lets say guarded i guess. If you know me well enough,you’ll know i’ll talk to anyone about anything,but for me it takes me a while to make sure whoever this person is,is a good person and actually will have a positive vibe for me to go with. That might sound crazy and like ‘’Wtf kim you cant judge people like that’’ but actually i can. Its a simple thing of i dont have time for bull shitters,attention seekers,time wasters,two faced assholes,backstabbers etc. Within a short space of time i make up my mind about people pretty quickly on if i want to spend more time with them or not,and its shame we live in world where people get so bloody upset by this notion. Its simple really. If i think you are an idiot or not someone i want to spend my time with then i wont and there is nothing wrong in that. Relationships will always facinate me and amuse me because my life is so different from others. Example point - Actually being someone again. I am very independent nowadays and tbh for anyone to try and break through that then bloody good luck lol But i am single by choice because i do actually really love being on my own but also i know deep down i cant commit to anyone due to being a full time carer to my mum. If anyone special came into my life they would have to deal with being second best as my family come first and foremost before anything else. If they can deal with maybe seeing me once or twice every few weeks and stuff like that then go for it. But i dont think there is many people that could deal with my lifestyle. I am use to the crazy of it but its wrong to ask others to be in my life with all that i have on. Yeah sure i’ve met some wonderful people i thought maybe it might work out with but sadly it was not meant to be and im ok with that as they are still very dear friends to me.

This may sound crazy too but i have rules,as it were,when it comes to people/social media things like that. Now yes social media to me can be a blessing and a curse. I have all sorts of pros and cons over the years of it,but normally sadly it does come down to the stupid people on the other end of it. One example of many. So i go to a lot of comic cons and have done since 2015 when i first met Matt Ryan at Wales comic con and fell in love with the Assassins Creed games. Since then i have been so lucky to meet a few of the Va’s of the games from older to newer games and continue to do so and also support them in any other work they also do. Anyway coming back to social media and at cons if there is an AC guest there i will,if i can try and get said guest(s) involved in AC cosplay meet ups and i have been SO lucky to have had the chance to work with some fantastic VA’s over the years and make it happen. Sometimes i’m not even holding the meet up myself but the VA has asked me if its ok to go along and i take them which im so so humbled by. But anyway back to the example of idiots and social media. Before the last AC game come out,i had taken a little time away from gaming all together due to home life taking a more important role to play that needed my time and attention. Now any normal human being would actually understand this and respect this but i did try and keep people posted on any cons and events the AC cast were appearing at. I was in one AC group that sadly was run by some real ego maniacs and people that cant organise a piss up in a brewery and also just very bitter and jealous people when it came to others achieving something in the AC world. Like my god the attitude some of these assholes would show, was just disgusting and it killed my passion and excitement for the new game. They would make fun of cosplayers that had worked bloody hard on their cosplays in the messenger we had set up for the FB page that i was apart of and just talk shit most of the time,and other times not even AC related. But anyone like i said last year was a bloody hard one for me mentally with things going on at home and i had no time or patience for idiots. 

Last May just as i was on my way to London MCM i found out on the bus itself,that the game shop i was working in was going to close and i was gutted. Now i had ONLY decided to go to MCM to see the lovely Victoria Atkin and Patrica Summersett who are fantastic ladies in the VA world and have been in many games over the years so having been asked by Vic herself to be there and also part of the meet up that was happening,i got myself a friday and saturday ticket. London mcm is always a manic one but ok if you know where and when you need to get done things like that. The friday was more of a chilled day con wise and time to see Victoria and meet Patricia for the very first time and she was just fantastic! (More on that later) also some other VA’s as well that i hadnt met before or had seen and wanted to catch up with. Now before Vic and Patricia were announced i wasnt actually going to attend but was basically asked to by Vic so should and Patricia could come to the meet up. Great! No problem at all i though.........

I was nervous about telling the idiots in the fb group i was with,that i was going to be bringing along special guests because my god this lot dont have make easy things more bloody difficult. So it was about maybe 3 weeks before London MCM and i dropped in the messages that even though i was being quiet i was catching up when i could and that a guest was going to join us for the meet up. Now this fb group were so bloody anal about who ran meet ups. They always had to be done by someone on the admin/mod team (which i was so against tbh. If people wanted to meet up then bloody well let them) so whilst i was with this group i did mcm birmingham and a couple of wales comic con as i was a mod. I was keeping Vic updated on things once timings and location had been sorted and also to make sure she could come along as well. The time for the meet was basically decided a few days before the meet when the mcm schedules had gone up which was fine,but before this the miserable lot didnt want many people knowing that really this meet was happening. Tbh no one in that sodding group had great social skills as all they ever did was make it more stressful then it needed to be. On the years i didnt go,so many people told me how messed up the meets were and lots of shouting ect went on and tbh i wanted none of it. It was my first (and thankfully last) meet up being in that group of last year. Back to no one wanting people to know about it. Their reasoning's were they didnt want every tom dick and harry to come along unless they were in the AC group,they didnt really want anything on social media said about it either but i was very against that as Vic was so good at letting people know when meet ups were happening on twitter and instagram so that more people could join in on the fun and rightly bloody so too! So anyway the day of the con and the admin decide to change the sodding location of the meet so they think less people will turn up from where they normally have it. Bad move as that would later unveil. So i am at the event on the saturday and im messaging Vic to say about the new details and she is sharing away as well so thats fine by me she can do what she likes. Anyway on the saturday before the meet,there was a AC panel with Vic and Patricia and it was great and really fun and right at the end Vic announces that the meet up was happening right after the panel and to come along and follow me and two of my friends. I wont lie this next bit looked amazing haha. So the girls come off the stage and then Patricia asks me if its ok to come along which of course i say yes more then welcome. We wait for security who were fantastic btw,and really enjoyed the walk to the meet up. So at the front of this parade was my two friends in their ezio and jacob frye cosplays,then me in my frye twin mash up holding my prop up so the girls could see me. Then two security guards,then the girls and their handlers and then more security. The way that people moved out of the way for us was just fantastic. It was like parting of the waves and peoples faces were like so in well surprised at what was going on but also followed along to the meet which was cool. Anyway it was a bit of a walk but we soon get to the meet up and i introduce Vic and Patricia to everyone and there was some very happy faces and really lovely people asking me how on earth i keep getting VA’s to come along lol I dont do anything special i just ask them haha. So anyway pictures are done with the girls and cosplayers and its all good fun and they were with us for about 15 mins if that and we did cosplay stuff and also admin/mod photos with the girls too which was fine and social media stuff for the girls as well which was fun. They soon leave and i feel like collapsing to the floor after tbh weeks of stress trying to sort things out and it was a huge relief things went ok for them and i thought everyone else. There was a few omg moments but not to do with me thankfully but it didnt look very well lets say professional and that was bs because the meet had moved and others didnt know so some shit kicked off but yeah that was not my problem to sort.

Anyway i go back into the venue not long after the meet to basically see some folk and also was asked by the girls to swing by again before i left the con as i was only there the friday and saturday due to money and having just lost my job i wasnt in the best of moods but they did help so much. A few days of the con pass and pictures are posted up as usual blah blah but the messages within the group about the meet up are well not great. The vibe i got was basically they werent happy with how Vic was somehow but they werent saying that exactly so i basically said in all the times i’ve met any voice actors and got to work with them there has never been any ego’s or bs just a lot of fun. They didnt really see what i was getting at as i know they didnt get my involvement with who i had worked with so far and were beyond jealous it was so damn easy to see. But yeah their slight digs at Vic pissed me off so again went back to ignoring the messages coming through as it was just all nonsense chat.

Another thing this pathetic group didnt like was other members being in other AC groups and this is what finished it for me cos it got so stupid. Now before the bs happened which i’ll explain next, i am and still in over 30 plus other ac groups or ac cosplay related groups and have done meet ups in other countries ffs so you should not be told who you can and cant do that with. Anyway what happened was a little before MCM London i got asked on twitter by the lovely AC United Kingdom page if i would like to help them out on their social media sites to which of course i said yes. This group have been so amazing to me since they asked me to join and its been a blast with people that are so supportive and love what i do to help promote stuff for VA’s and things like that. I was very honoured to be asked. Anyway the older group found out i was added and also another mod and f*** me did they kick off. When i then explained how i ended up in this group they soon shut up for a while and backed the F off. Now i know the other mod didnt like getting added and thats fine as being added to groups can be annoying so she left the new group i was now apart of as well and thats fair enough. Again i said my piece and left the chat as it was all going back to more rubbish talk.

 A few weeks went by and i had saw that the guy who added me to the new AC group i was in was blocked from the old group i was i and i asked why. Oh boy that shit storm hit hard. Because i hadnt been that involved in the group chat or on the fb page they basically started on me which was hilarious to be honest. Now they booted my friend because he was adding their members to his own fb which was a big no no. I had also added members because i asked them if they would like to be apart of it. When i said this they were quiet for a little time and then went on this pity party of ‘’Well it doesnt matter as it seems lots are jumping ship and so we are going to close the group anyway. We’ll keep it open but no more meet ups or anything blah blah blah’’ It was literally like they had a toy taken from them and they were reacting like a shitty child. With that,and watching the melt down this lot were having my last message was something like ‘’well its been nice knowing you all take care’’ and that was it. Soon enough i was booted from that chat and kicked out of the group hahahaha. I was then informed they put a post up about closing the group as people were leaving and they couldnt be bothered with it anymore and just really stupid stuff tbh but they sounded so butt hurt it was unreal. So now comes in one of my rules. The second anyone walks out of my life,that is it for them. I dont chase people or find out answers i just let them do what they got to do and i do my own thing. I then deleted and blocked all of the admin and mods but one off of my fb because i wasnt going to let them kick me out of the group for their tantrum and then think its ok to watch what i do with me life. I dont f***ing think so. The next day a good friend had sent me a pic of one of the admins trying to play the victim card and butt hurt again that they had been removed from my life. Its simple. You walk out you never get the chance to come back or watch what i do. F*** no! So yeah i easily cut stupid people off.

I have other rules too and another is that if i have had no contact with someone on line or on the phone in over 6 months i delete/remove/block them from all my social media and also if their number is in my phone book i delete numbers too. Now tbh this should not need explaining to anyone but here is example two of why people just f*** me off.

Now i get on with anyone and everyone as i said and blokes especially as i’ve always been a bit of a tom boy and so girly girls i dont really get on with. Now i’ve made some great friends from the netherlands the last few years who are just wonderful and mean a lot to me and i will always do my best to go see them if i am over there or if they are going to festivals things like that i will go and support them. Anyway last may something happened at an event which was just blown out of proportion it was unreal. Lets use person A and person B as i dont like to use names. Now person A is from the netherlands and person B is from the UK. I have known for a long time that person B has liked person A and thats fair enough. Person A is still a great friend of mine and person B is no more. Now then at an event last year i got a little drunk with person A and it was a good laugh. Whilst walking together i happened to trip over something and my friend caught me and then heald my hand to help me walk as i was pretty drunk. That was nice of him. Now then at the same time this happened person B saw this happen and knowing the sort of person they are (a complete and utter immature asshole btw) i then get a message from a outside person saying i was a bad friend because i know how person B likes person A and what i was playing at blah blah blah. I laughed at the message as it really was BS and replied politely the event that had happened with the falling over and also hello im gay so back the fuck off im not interested in person A. Said messenger soon backed off and that was it. Thankfully i didnt see said messenger rest of the event. But anyway there was no need for that. What happened was a laugh between two friends nothing more nothing less.

Event ends and everyone goes their own way and back home and funny enough Person B does not really talk to me much after and tbh i didnt care. Yes i get they liked person A but ffs grow up and maybe ask what happened before getting someone else to fight your battles for you. I think it took a few weeks before i heard from them and they were still in a piss when they really had no right to be and left it at that. Move on about 3 months and i knew what was coming and it was the usual messages of ‘’Oh im so sorry for being a tit back then it was so silly of me blah blah blah hope we are ok’’ i explained to person A that i had no bad will towards them at all and its all over and done with and forget it and move on.No problem at all. That was the last time i heard from person A. Going back about 8 months now.....bare that in mind......

Now last November i went to the Netherlands for a gig and to see person B and his new gf who i had got to know over the internet. They had taken me in for a few days and it was lovely before i went to amsterdam. Now when i got back to the uk i did a instagram post saying thank you to my friends for a great time. I was scrolling through fb not even an hour after my post and i saw a shitty post from person A saying ‘’Oh looks like i’ll have to take some people off of my fb as i dont want to see things like that as they hurt’’ and some other bs. I knew instantly this was aimed at me and low and behold the next day after their fb post i was taken off of their instagram. Why you ask? Well because i had had a lovely time with my friend and his new gf!!!. This was now also 6 months after the BS at the said event before as well. FFS get over person B already as its been 6 bloody months and you knew he also had a sodding mrs and no interest in you and you didnt even talk that much. I get it feelings for someone can mean so much but to be so petty against someone else because they hung out with your crush and their new gf is f***ing stupid! So there comes into my rule of if you walk away from me or out of my life in anyway you do not get to see what i am up to anymore so i blocked person A from my instagram after that immature bs and at that time also muted them on fb as i no longer wanted to see the shit they were posting. Xmas and new year comes and goes and no messages. Not a problem i had already moved on with my life.

Same event comes around this year where shit kicked off last year but this year i didnt go. I knew plenty of folk that did and are in the same clicky group and noticed person A was hardly in much pictures which i thought was amusing tbh as they are all such attention seekers. So i went onto Person A’s fb page and saw that i had been removed from their fb page. Fair enough i thought not a problem at at all since it had been 8 months since we talked and they had already walked out in one way so the trash took itself out which was perfect for me. Again i had no problem with this due to their behaviours before hand and also i had moved on so didnt care. So with that and knowing how creepy they are on social media i block them as well. Done and dusted i thought.........

A few weeks ago i suddenly get messages from person A (comes up as unknown number on the app it was on but i knew who it was) asking if i had taken them off of my social media and why. I didnt reply to the message as i feel  no explanation is needed for such a thing. Life moves on and people grow apart its pretty normal tbh. So anyway another week goes by and i get another message asking the same thing but this time less jokey about it and more demanding. I ignore and delete the messages again. Another few days goes by and the third message is 1) damn creepy 2) proves my point on how crazy they are. The message basically said person A can see me on another accounts i have and so know i am online still and that they have talked to other people about things and they have said to let it go but they cant do that because they want answers. I literally lol to this message because it was just so needy and whiny but also damn creepy. Ffs who watches someone else from other accounts to see if they get a reaction or not?! Like grow up but the main thing that actually pissed me off about this was the pure nerve this person had to ask for answers when they were the first one to walk away many months back. Now did i go to them asking questions and why? No i did not as i dont care and still dont. Yet here is person A demanding to know why i have blocked them?! F*** right off. Again it comes back to you do not walk out of my life and expect to then keep an eye on me. Thats just all sorts of messed up and their messages just proves how f***ing crazy they are for checking up on me other profiles. If i could find these profiles i would block them too but tbh i dont care. I am happy and living my life. But how f***ing dare anyone demands to know anything from me when they f***ed off first. Not going to happen. I am hoping person A soon gives up and just leaves me alone but time will tell. If i get one more message i will then block them from what app they have contact me on.

You may wonder why i’ve wanted to rant about this and i’ll tell you why. The last few weeks i have got friends who have gone or going through life changing things. One has brain cancer and has maybe 2 years to live,another her ovarian cancer has come back and dont know the full scale yet and another a family member went through something horrific and its made me stop and think about life in general. I knew that life was short after i lost my dad but with all this happening and also more going on its made me think that again and gone bloody hell you never know what will happen to you. It makes you think about the important stuff and things that actually are important and not the BS of social media and things like that. I want my life to be filled with good people that are there for me and also support and love me for what id do. Not whiny pathetic people that moan about sweet f*** all when they should be more thankful for what they do have. I dont have time for people that have no positive effect on my life anymore. I wanted to be lifted up not heald back. I want to be pushed forward,not worried about other peoples opinions. 

So now i am taking time out from a things again for my well being and looking forward to the future :-D