#but tbh i'd rather go back to that

[bunnihearted]

ppl think im bad now but a few years ago i was so fucking dark and sick and depraved like my mind was an awful place

[pigeonclaw]

I haven't felt very motivated to draw lately (what chronic fatigue does to a guy 😔) but I have cracked open my sketchbook a few times. Mostly to doodle TBC.

[thedreadvampy]

My housemate is moving out in January

She told us this a week or two ago, when she sat down and, after sitting with us watching TV for over an hour, said "hey so I bought a house and I'm moving out. We agreed on 2 months notice so I won't move until the end of January."

The last time she talked in the immediate terms about buying a house was in 2021, when the sale she was working on fell though and she was unemployed so it was a "when I'm back in a position to look I'll start looking again." Since then I've occasionally asked her how she's doing on the house buying front and she's been like "oh I'm getting there financially" but hasn't mentioned anything concrete.

She didn't tell us she was looking at places. She didn't tell us she had put in an offer. She told us when the offer was finalised. A week AFTER she emailed the letting agent about getting out of her part of the lease. And, it increasingly feels like, only because the letting agent's response was that we had to agree to change the lease.

The letting agent's response (which our housemate obviously didn't copy us into; we had to follow up separately and they copied us into the email chain) also includes that when we change the lease, they're empowered to change the rent, quote, "no cap". Rent was already going up in January - there's no possibility of Sam and I paying her share of the rent.

The really fucking upsetting thing is we're not strangers. This isn't a casual "housemate we found on flatshare" thing. She and Sam have lived together literally their entire adult lives. Me and her have known each other well over a decade. I lived in her and Sam's flat when I was homeless. We were the first people she came out to as trans. We're not super close but I thought we were fucking friends. And she's literally gone out of her way to not talk to us about this for what must have been months while the sale completed - which means she's lied to my face at least once cause I've asked her about her finances in that time (cause she's in a job she hates that she only took to get the house money, so it's like. when we've been commiserating about work stuff I'm often asking 'are you almost free?'). she literally went out of her way to talk to the letting agents before talking to us about putting us in a situation where we could lose our fucking home.

And she keeps. trying. to pretend nothing's happened. Every time I've seen her since then she's not mentioned anything or apologised or anything, she just keeps chatting away and offering hugs and fistbumps like nothing's happened. Like we're still fucking friends.

All it would take for us to still be friends and to be happy for her would have been one fucking sentence in the groupchat like "hey, just put an offer in on a house" or "I'm looking at properties, just so you know, that might happen in the next few months". Like nobody begrudges her for buying a house! It's very cool for her! She's 31 she's worked really hard to get the money I would love to be happy for her! Unfortunately she decided avoiding conflict is more important than giving the people she fucking LIVES WITH (who btw fronted her a month on the rent here while she was unemployed and agreed to take on a larger proportion of the move-in cost back in 2021, if we're still holding ourselves to shit we said 2.5 years ago), so no, you are not entitled to our friendship or to going back to normal.

like if she'd been honest with us it would have been something to process but we'd have had time to figure out our next steps. instead she's left us in a position where we have to find a new roommate before she gives her one month notice, which means finding someone by the end of December, which oh look that's the middle of the fucking Christmas holidays. and she didn't tell us anything until the START of December, or copy us into her conversation with the letting agent, meaning we still don't know what the rent on that space will be so we aren't yet in a position to advertise it. Has she offered to help find a roommate? Has she fuck. Has she offered to help out by moving her move-out date? Nah, she's moving as soon as she gets the keys because, quote, "that means her finances won't have to change". SOUNDS LOVELY. NOT HAVING YOUR FINANCES SUDDENLY CHANGE. I THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY REASONABLE FUCKING GOAL.

Thirteen fucking years she's lived with Sam. Four fucking weeks over Christmas she's left us to figure out a way to not turbofuck our living situation. And she's got the fucking nerve to try and pretend we should be interacting like nothing's changed. Jesus Christ. What a fucking unhinged way to treat...anybody, honestly. never mind the friends-your-entire-adult-life part. literally cannot imagine a scenario in which I would buy a house without telling the people I lived with.

(haha actually this is what my parents divorced over so apparently it's not unusual. although at least my dad had the decency to tell the woman he shared finances with at the point he put in an offer not the point the fucking sale went through.)

Like we'll be fine. It's a huge city centre flat with decent rent and queer housemates, hopefully even when the rent goes up it'll be an easy sell in a city with a huge housing shortage and big queer community. We've got a couple of people interested already, sight unseen - worst case scenario we have to live with someone we don't get on with. And it's given Sam and me a push to look at our own finances and as of today, we've got a mortgage decision in principle and can start looking at flats in the area - mind, we'll be transparent upfront and tell any prospective housemates that yeah, we're looking to buy and move out in the next 6-12 months, and we'll tell them if we put an offer in, because we're decent fucking people who aren't going to spring that on someone out of the blue.

But it's been I think 2 weeks and I'm so fucking angry I could spit. It's such a fucking betrayal. And frankly you know selfishly like. I just had a breakup a couple of months ago, I'm in the middle of moving jobs, both me and Sam have a history of housing instability and this has been the first decent, stable, safe, not-mouldy not-freezing home I think any of us have had, and this is so fucking triggering and upscuttling I could just start biting. like I was talking to my friend about it last week and it's just like. Can I have One Fucking Thing of the three main tentpoles of survival - home, work, relationships - that are fucking stable right now? because shit has been In Flux lately. and at least the work and relationship stuff has changed because of my decisions. going through all that work to make myself short-term unstable to gain long-term stability has been really hard and draining and then just as I was reaching the crisis point with work stuff BOOM, IT'S HOUSING INSTABILITY WITH A STEEL CHAIR. fuck. seriously fuck this and fuck her. we're going to make something good come of it but what a deeply, unbelievably shitty thing to do.

[cheekblush]

i'd rather be friendless than to constantly have my boundaries disrespected

[beaversatemygrandma]

Interview. Interview. Oh Another interview. Interview. Interview. Guess what's next? An interview that a manager is like "Today at 2pm sound good?" which I took bc yeah, it was good...

I'm tired.

Now will ANY OF THEM ACTUALLY Call Me Back???

[neverendingford]

.

[seaofreverie]

So busy with Sparkstember that I almost forgot that I go back to school on tuesday

[lycomorpha]

It's Monday. Do you ever get up on a Monday, get ready to go, & then immediately just wanna dive tf back into bed?

One of these 2 large yellow underwings decided to have a preen, tried to wake up a friend, then said 'fck it' and ran up my jumper sleeve 🤷

Can't really blame it tho, quite relatable. Still waiting for it to be moth season here to make getting up early seem worth it 🦋💖

[strayslost]

The coughs that erupt violently from Ryuunosuke as he stumbles, barely able to keep his balance, are more painful than anything he's ever felt before.

Ryuunosuke is no stranger to pain - he knows it intimately, and it never leaves his side for long. So for a thought like that to cross his mind is no joke. Fortuately, the agony soon subsides as quickly as it came on; not leaving him entirely, but loosening it's grip on him until it becomes something he's more familiar with once more.

Still coughing, legs buckled inwards and grasping a hand against a wall for balance, Ryuunosuke can't help but feel grateful that Gin was the only one to see this. If it were anyone else... the thought alone makes him feel ill with disgust turned inwards, but if it's Gin - it's different. It always has been.

He's sure she must be worried. And she has good reason to be - the weight of the knowledge Ryuunosuke now possesses and the secrets held within him are heavy, barely believable even to himself, though he knows that they're real as surely as there are bones under his skin and blood in his veins. But he can't say everything at once. Instead, even though his mind is still racing and he can hear the sound of his heartbeat in his ears, he waits until he's recovered and stable enough to speak.

"...Gin... There's no need for concern. I'm- fine."

@memoryextrction ( starter for gin! )

[deactigayted]

they hired another trans person at my work who is years ahead in their transition/passes. can't wait for them to witness how bad my coworkers (who i've been out to for longer than not) are about misgendering and deadnaming me lol maybe finally someone will have my back

[the-punforgiven]

Man, sometimes you just look back on a younger version of yourself and something specific you loved so much with your whole heart and see how excited and passionate and full of love you were and just have that moment of "God, I wish life hadn't ground that passion into dust"

[liebelesbe]

Why am I still awake when it's almost 4am? Well. Um. Goodnight <3

[permanentreverie]

The temptation to call into work sick tomorrow

[the-kipsabian]

idk how many people ever read my tags i leave in my gif posts but if you do thank you <3

[astrxealis]

damn i never thought i'd get into stardew valley this much but here we are !! makes perfect sense tho

[sebastianshaw]

Talk about Tessa (pre-betrayal) and talk about Sage (post betrayal)

(PLEASE LOOK AT THESE AMAZING BANNERS @the-blackened-dove MADE FOR ME) TESSA "The damned best thing that's happened to me besides. . .well, besides Lourdes. It's not simply that she saved my life in Afghanistan; the advice she gave me to stay my course instead of joining Xavier's side was invaluable, and all her advice since has been as well. I don't always follow it, of course---one's one decider must be oneself in the end---but I respect no source more. She is a precious asset, and I provide for her accordingly with whatever she needs; I appreciate that she has yet to exploit this. Many have likened her to a robot, and while I believe they mean this as an insult, I see it as a compliment; computers are precise, unhindered by emotions or their own ideas of morality, and simply do as you ask. I've never had cause for anger or grievance with her, not even once. Even when my endeavors were failures, her part in them was not." SAGE "Who? No, really. I'm not tryng to be facetious or funny. I realize I truly have no idea who that woman is. I tried to get her to be Tessa once by force, and then was foolish enough to accept when she offered to do so willingly, blinded by hope. I paid the price for that, as I should. I really can't say much about her. I suppose however clever and ruthless I thought Tessa to be, Sage is more by far. It does make me wish I held her service still---but I'll never be fool enough to attempt or accept it again. As I said before---like trusting a scorpion. I abandoned Tessa to Bogan, I grant---perhaps I had a plan to rescue her without paying the ransom, perhaps I simply cut my losses, I'll never say because it doesn't matter---and if she had turned on me for that....that I would understand. I couldn't begrudge it, it would only be sensible. But that wasn't it. It was that Tessa was never real in the first place; there was only ever Sage." @emmatriarchy