#but tali just captured my heart

[ridragon]

Tali not being a femshep romance option is actually a crime against fucking humanity.

[la-petite-lapin]

Double the Love | Part Six*

Double the Love masterlist

Simon "Ghost" Riley x Johnny "Soap" MacTavish x female civilian!OC Word Count: 2.5k Series warnings (may change between chapters): 18+ Minors DNI, angst, mentions of death, mentions of violence, injury description, explicit sexual content, polyamory, M/M/F, Tali meets Simon, oral sex (M+F receiving)

The guys let off some steam

I stare up at Ghost's face, intense hazel eyes narrowing at me through the holes of his balaclava. For once, I'm almost scared of him. Almost.

"Ghost..." Johnny says, his voice hushed. My gaze darts across to the Scotsman to find him crossing the living room. He slows to a halt next to Ghost, placing a gentle, comforting hand on his shoulder, "maybe we shouldn't do this tonight, eh? You've just got home. You need to let off some steam."

Ghost's eyes darken, not once leaving mine. "I'll let off some steam alright."

My heart is pounding in my throat now; my palms sweating and my legs quivering with anticipation. I press my thighs together, seeking some kind of relief. But it's not enough.

No. I want to know what he has in store for me. Even if I regret it later.

"Ghost..."

Johnny moves to Ghost's side and they share a look, Ghost's heavy gaze finally releasing me from its hold. A whole conversation is exchanged between the two of them in silence - a series of head tilts, and meaningful looks.

"Ask her nicely," is all Johnny says.

Ghost grunts and nods, turning his full attention back to me. "Alright, Tali - nicely - will you let us take you to bed?"

There's nothing nice about his tone. It's rough and gritty and entirely Ghost. Full of quiet, masculine rage, and bold, lustful promise. And it's oh so appealing.

It's been so long since I last had sex with anything other than my own hand or a fancy plastic toy. And it doesn't seem like Ghost is in the mood to be particularly gentle. For a split second, I start to doubt if this is really what I want.

But then I look at Johnny; his bright blue eyes full of hope and adoration. I know that he won't hurt me. Neither of them will. And I've never been surer of anything in my entire life.

I nod and - with a shaking voice - I say, "Yes, you can."

"Perfect." Ghost's voice is gruff and smug as he presses in closer to me, crowding in until we're standing chest-to-chest and I'm craning my neck up to look at his face. "Johnny?"

"Hmm?" there's a vacant hum from him as he steps up behind Ghost, bracketing him between our bodies. He drops his head to press a kiss to Ghost's black-clad shoulder.

Ghost turns his head, capturing Johnny's lips in a chaste kiss through the mask. "Go sit down. I think I need to make Tali understand a few things before we get started."

Johnny's eyes widen for a second, a look of surprise flashing there for a second before his eyelids lower. Lust glitters in his blue irises as he looks down at me, leaning across Ghost to drop a kiss to the top of my head. "I'll be in our room when you two are ready. Don't make me wait too long though, aye?"

The apartment is completely silent as Johnny pads out of the room. I can hear the muted thud of their bedroom door closing, and then it's just us. Just me and Ghost standing out in the living room, the dark promise of making me understand hovering in the air between us.

If I wasn't wet before, I definitely am now.

"So," Ghost starts, drawing my full attention back to his towering frame, "apparently we haven't been clear enough, princess. Apparently, you think we're just playing with you, or we haven't been open enough about what our relationship is... but that ends now. Got any questions?"

I bite my bottom lip and his eyes trace the movement with a predatory keenness. "Are you and Johnny bisexual?"

"Bingo. Anything else?"

"You... you want to fuck me?"

Ghost barks out a gruff laugh, pressing himself against me. Oh. I can feel the steel-hard length of him against my stomach. It eliminates any lingering traces of doubt I might have held, filling me with a calm, confident certainty.

My eyes are half-lidded, my lips parting as my breathing starts to get heavier. He presses himself against me for a couple more seconds before easing back, eyes pitch black and his own breathing fast and rugged. He's made his point, and he knows it.

"Does that answer that one?"

I nod, pressing my thighs together even harder.

"Ghost..."

His eyes flutter to a close, and he shakes his head, tipping it back. "That's not my name, Tali. Don't call me that anymore." His eyes open once again, and he fixes me with a look. The fondness and warmth there almost floors me. "Call me Simon. Please."

My breath catches in my throat.

"And take off my mask. Please."

My hands rise up to his jawline, slowly but surely in case he changes his mind. My fingers find the edges and I pause, waiting for his go-ahead. With a gentle nod, I dip my fingertips under the thick cotton and slowly pull it away from his face.

I don't look immediately, feeling the weight of the mask in my hand. It hangs limp in my fist, still warm from his skin.

And when I do look... God.

He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen. My eyes find his; the only familiar feature in this new landscape. But then I start to branch out. His eyes are surrounded by a hasty smear of black paint, fading out around his thick, straight eyebrows, and crossing the bridge of his slightly crooked nose. It looks like it's been broken a couple times, but it's charming and adds to the rugged appeal of his face. His jawline is sharp and prominent, covered in a light dusting of dirty blond stubble that matches his hair; the slightly curly locks dipping down onto his forehead.

And then there's his mouth. Plush, full lips that would look almost feminine if not for the thick, harsh scars curving up from both corners, each about an inch long. They stand out; pearlescent against the rest of his skin. There's another scar trailing from his left cheekbone to just above his eyebrow too, and my eyes snag on it before dropping down to a smaller one bisecting his bottom lip.

He is perfect. To me, he is flawless.

I raise a hand to his face, placing a single finger on the tip of his nose and dragging it down to the centre of his bottom lip. I don't dare touch the scars; fearful that I might trigger a horrible memory for him. Instead, I cup his cheek in my hand, running a thumb along the curve of his cheekbone.

"Simon," I say his name, testing it in my mouth. It's going to take some getting used to. I exhale a long, slow breath, trying to tamp down my horniness and appreciate how significant this moment is. For me. For him. For us. "It's nice to finally meet you, Simon."

"It's an honour to meet you too, Tali. It's been too long."

He covers the hand resting on his face with his, pulling it to his mouth and pressing a tender kiss to my palm.

The warmth and urgency comes rushing back to me with that one, simple gesture. Sucking in a short breath, I lock my eyes onto his and drop the mask onto the floor. His eyes flicker with interest.

"Now," I say softly, "should we go and find Johnny? I think we've let him wait long enough."

I can't get down the hallway quick enough, Simon hot on my heels as I giggle, amused as he gives chase.

I throw the bedroom door open with a thud, barely crossing the threshold before Simon gathers me up into his arms. My feet leave the ground as he growls playfully against the shell of my ear.

"Nice to see that you two talked," Johnny offers from the bed, his tone drenched in amusement.

I look up to see that he's reclined on the bed, stripped down to a pair of grey joggers. The thick gauze bandage that covers his injured ribs stands out against his tanned skin, and there's a cocky smile playing on his lips as he watches the two of us. He makes no effort to move from his position.

"We did," I confirm, still trapped in the cage of Simon's muscle-corded arms. "You have a very pretty boyfriend."

"Pretty," Simon grumbles next to my ear. I turn my head to see that his eyebrows are raised, and I soak every inch of his expression in. Seeing him without the mask is going to take some getting used to, but I love it. "Fucking pretty, love?"

I nod shamelessly.

A beat passes before I lower my tone, batting my eyelashes at Johnny as I say, "So are you guys going to fuck me or what?"

"Yeah?" Simon growls.

Johnny licks his lips. His palms run down the lengths of his thick thighs, drawing attention to the impressive tent in his pants. My eyes are locked on his as I exhale a breathy, "Yeah."

With that, I'm on my back on the bed. Johnny sidles up behind me as Simon approaches the mattress with slow, methodical strides. He pauses at the edge, stripping himself of his black tactical gear and trousers. He stands there in black boxers and a t-shirt, the thick length I felt pressed against me in the living room standing proud, straining against the material.

The room is dim, illuminated only by the warm glow from my bedside lamp, adding to the relaxed atmosphere as Johnny trails a hand along the side of my body, trailing over my breast. He stops when he finds a nipple, peaked and stiff, in the absence of a bra. I hear the sharp intake of breath he makes, followed by, "You'll never guess, Si. She's not even wearing a bra. Teasing us like a naughty lass."

Simon's hands find his waistband, yanking his boxers down. His erection is on full display, standing to attention. It's thick and long, curved slightly upwards; the tip flushed and pink. It makes my throat dry, all the moisture heading south.

"Can I come over to the bed?" he asks, voice soft and respectful. It makes me even hotter.

I nod my consent, but he still doesn't move. "Yes."

That does the trick. Slowly, he makes his way to the edge of the mattress and kneels on the bed. "Come here," he commands, pupils dilated. "Take off your shorts and come here."

I shimmy out of my shorts and flimsy lace underwear but stay at the head of the bed, relishing in the feeling of Johnny's hands roaming all over me. "You come here," I command, feeling more than a little bold.

Simon growls. "Demanding little princess. Putting me through my paces, yeah? Showing me who's boss?"

I nod as Simon crawls up the bed, leaning over me to kiss Johnny. I tip my head back to watch, soaking at the sight waiting for me. Their mouths are locked, tongues flickering into each other's mouths as Simon grabs Johnny by the back of the neck, pulling him even closer. After several seconds, they release one another and Johnny goes back to running his hands over me. This time, there's the addition of his mouth sucking marks against the skin of my throat - nipping with his teeth then running his tongue over them.

Simon eases back down my body, turning his attention to my legs; my knees drawn up towards my chest.

"I wonder," he grumbles, tone dripping with desire, "if you'll sound even louder with us than when you're alone."

And, with that, he parts my thighs with firm hands and bows his head.

I want him. Gods, I want him.

He presses a soft, open-mouthed kiss to each thigh, taking his time in a thinly-veiled effort to drive me insane. His breath is unbearably warm against me, my own exhales leaving my mouth in small, shallow pants.

"Fuck," I groan. In a moment of desperation, I reach a hand down and tangle it in the golden strands of Simon's hair, pulling him into me. His dark, answering laugh vibrates against my already-sensitive pussy and I let out a tortured whine. "Please."

And he obliges. Pinning my hips to the bed with one strong forearm, he's a frenzy of teeth and lips and tongue. He's like a man starved, giving me exactly what I want.

My skin heats and I claw at the neck of my shirt while Simon works away, not slowing down for even a second as I barrel towards an orgasm at break-neck speed. Chuckling indulgently, Johnny helps me out of the fabric's confines, leaving me completely bare and still all too warm as I writhe against them.

I come in a blinding haze of ecstasy, shouting my pleasure with a loud moan.

When I come back to my senses, Johnny is stroking my hair, brushing it away from my face. Simon is kneeling over me, his mouth and chin glossy with moisture and eyes wild.

"That was so fucking hot, Tali."

"Think you can go again?" Johnny's voice rings out from behind me and I realise that I'm slumped back against him, his other hand still resting lightly on my breast.

My throat tightens and the tingle between my legs makes itself known once again. I can so go again, but first... there's something else I want.

"Can... could I watch you guys?"

Simon's jaw slackens. His eyes meet Johnny's - who offers him a shrug - before they both turn to me, looking amused.

"What do ye want to see, lassie?"

"I want to see you suck Simon's dick."

Johnny smirks, pressing a bold kiss to my lips before rising up from his spot. I lean back against the headboard, watching on as Simon settles into a seated position at the edge of the bed. Johnny kneels down between his legs, and a look of adoration passes between them as I angle myself to get a better view.

Johnny places a loving hand on Simon's bare thigh, squeezing once lightly. "Are ye ready, darlin'?"

Simon barely has time to nod before Johnny's head is dipping down, taking the base of Simon's erection in one hand to steady himself. His mouth follows; his lips wrapping around Simon's length and taking inch by inch into his throat with ease.

Simon's head tips back, a deep groan spilling from his throat as Johnny works him reverently. His tanned fist moves in time with his mouth; occupying what Johnny can't fit. I lean back into the pillows, my hand falling between my own legs as I play with myself in lazy, unfocused motions, enthralled in them.

"Fuck, Johnny. Just like that." Simon's groan echoes around the room. His hand drops to Johnny's hair, not to push his head, but to tangle in the longer locks of his hair. It's loving and tender; beautiful and intimate.

I can't tear my eyes away from them - not even for a second - until Simon throws his head back and lets out an Earth-shaking moan. Johnny's head stops bobbing and he resurfaces, swallowing and running the back of his hand across his mouth. When he's done, there's a cat-like grin on his lips and a hazy look in his eyes.

Simon crawls back into the middle of the bed, laying down next to me. His chest heaves, spent from his fun. "Want to stop?" he asks gently, his skin dotted with sweat and carrying the beautiful, heady scent of salt and wood-smoke.

A smile finds my lips and I find myself shaking my head, locking eyes with Johnny as he rises back to his feet. "I never said I was done."

"Jesus, you're fucking insatiable," Simon groans, his tone only half-teasing. His head meets the pillow with a heavy thud.

Johnny, on the other hand, only smiles; a hungry glint in his eye. "I'm not complaining."

a/n: hey guys! happy monday :) hope you enjoy part 6 and the shameless smut. I figured the slow burn has ran for long enough, and we deserve some of the good stuff! what would you be interested in seeing in the next part? - much love, lapetitelapin

[wellthebardsdead]

Clockwork heart pt14

Part 13 here

———

Wyrm: *seated in the Vilemyr inn writing down what his new companions want to order as they pool their coin* I don’t know if they’ll have Horker this far inland but I’ll ask, if they don’t will beef or venison do?

Kaidan: aye, honestly anything will be an improvement from the mouldy bread they force fed me…

Wyrm: *feeling queasy at the mere thought of it* I-I’ll ask to make sure the bread here isn’t mouldy. Tali you just want a baked potato and some leaks with slaughterfish if they have any?

Taliesin: *combing out his hair after a bath* yes please I’m starving after fighting off all those bandits.

Kaidan: I can’t imagine you fighting off anybody without crying over a chipped nail.

Taliesin: Oh yes and who saved you from the thalmor again? The thalmor that managed to capture you? That’s what I thought.

Kaidan: *huffs* I was asleep when they jumped me.

Wyrm: *ignoring their bickering, in truth not even registering their distaste for each other as he picks up the paper and the menu before walking over to the counter* m-mr wilhelm?

Wilhelm: *back turned to him talking to the bard* Lynly I told you to stay away from that accursed place for a reason! It’s haunted! I promised to protect you…

Lynly Star-Sung: I know I know I just wanted to see if the rumours were true I- *pauses seeing Wyrm waiting* oh I’m so sorry.

Wilhelm: *turns to see the small pearl eyed dunmer staring at them* Oh uh, forgive me sir I didn’t see you there. How can I help you.

Wyrm: *offers him the paper and menu* I-I’d like to order now please. What’s haunted?

Wilhelm: I, Ah, it’s… the barrow. There’s a ghost terrorising the village from it, at night you can hear the most dreadful of sounds and see it walking behind the stones.

Wyrm: a-a ghost? *looks at the bag of coin in his hand, having counted only enough for their stay at the inn* m-maybe I could investigate it for you?

Wilhelm: y-you will? Are you sure? I’d appreciate the help but please be careful.

Wyrm: *nods* I’ll talk to my companions about it.

Wilhelm: Thank you, *takes the paper and menu, reading his note* ‘Fraid I don’t have any horker available but I can make a sandwich with deer if that’s alright?

Wyrm: y-yes that’ll be fine. Thank you. *hands him the gold before walking back to the table*

Kaidan: it go well?

Wyrm: there’s no horker.

Kaidan: damn shame.

Wyrm: how do you guys feel about catching a ghost?

Taliesin: *chokes on his wine* excuse me?

Wyrm: a-a ghost is haunting the barrow. The innkeeper asked me to investigate it.

Kaidan: Pffft, lot more than just ghosts to worry about in Nordic barrows. I’d be more concerned about the Draugr, an who does he think he is asking you to handle it?

Wyrm: I mean, the Jarl of whiterun asked me to kill a dragon, a ghost seems a-a lot less scary than- *remembers the dragons maw opening up and fire erupting towards him* that.

Kaidan: Has he gone mad?! You got one arm, a rock for an eye and you can’t even swing a sword.

Taliesin: *getting irked at Kaidan taking a jab at Wyrm, unintentional or not* and yet he still obliterated it.

Kaidan: by doing wha-

*sniffle*

Kaidan: *looks at Wyrm to see him visibly trembling as tears prick at his eye* I- hey it’s-

Wyrm: t-teacup- *sniffles and hurries off to the room they’d rented before his hiccups can start*

Kaidan: teacup? *watches him run off* oh fock now I’ve done it. I was only joking- OW!

Taliesin: *stabbed a fork into his hand* He can’t tell, you imbecile. You’re as blunt as you are thick in the head! *gets up and walks off after Wyrm to calm him down knowing the state he’s most likely worked himself into*

Kaidan: … *sighs and gets up grabbing his sword before walking outside and to the barrow*

*a few minutes later*

Taliesin: *brushing out Wyrms hair for him* don’t mind him, he’s more trouble than he’s worth.

Wyrm: n-no he’s right… h-how am I meant to be the dragonborn if I can’t even defend my- *hiccups* self. *rubs his eyes*

Taliesin: You certainly looked like you were defending yourself when you incinerated that dragon. Don’t let him bother you, the only thing he’s got going for him is his muscles and ‘decent’ looking face.

Wyrm: *looks back at him and blinks* y-you think he’s pret-

*BOOM!!*

Taliesin: What in oblivion was that?!

Wyrm: *practically jumps into taliesins arms out of fright* an illusion spell being broken?? *shakily stands up and runs out of the room to see Kaidan stepping back into the inn picking a poison dart out of his neck and holding a now dead elfs body along with his journal*

Kaidan: Turns out the ghost was pretty alive- *grunts plucking the dart out* Oh aye, can I apologise to you now friend?

Wyrm: *staring at the dead dunmer, his mind suddenly going black as memories belonging to someone else swarm and buzz in his brain like thousands of flies bringing a plague. A plague that saw thousands of dark elves turned into mindless ghouls, bloated masses of the living dead, all of them festering in undeath as their walking corpses rotted with the corprus* …T…teacup… *staggers back as blood leaks from his nose and he passes out from shock*

Taliesin: *drops to his knees catching Wyrm in his arms* WYRM?! WYRM WAKE UP!

Kaidan: …oh shite.

*a few hours later*

Taliesin: *sitting beside Wyrms bed, cleaning his face from sweat as the small dunmer tosses and turns in his sleep, visibly uncomfortable and stuck in his own body as nightmares plague him* …

Kaidan: *walks in with their dinner* how’s he-

Taliesin: Shh.

Kaidan: …how’s he holding up?…

Taliesin: he’s not… *wipes under his nose as a bit more blood escapes* he said he’d been suffering nightmares a lot recently… but he’s been blacking out too… whatever he saw when he looked at you or… that body… it set him off…

Kaidan: *frowns looking at him then at Wyrm, watching him tremble and writhe like he’s in pain* …I’m sorry…

Taliesin: it’s not me you need to be apologising too. It’s him.

Kaidan: I know… *looks at the food quietly, not wanting to tuck in and seem insensitive* …what does teacup mean by the way?… heard him say it a lot… he said it when we first met too…

Taliesin: it’s his safe word. He says it, and I come to his aid. To protect him, to comfort him, to fight for him… to let him know I’m here.

Kaidan: …do you love him?

Taliesin: What?!

Wyrm: *whimpers a little*

Taliesin: *quickly quiets down* no, I’m just taking my role as his protector seriously. He asked me to get him home and I am… we just keep running into detours.

Kaidan: you think he’s really the dragonborn then?… that why you decided to take this path instead of going directly to winterhold?

Taliesin: as far as I’m concerned it’s most likely nord superstition, something strange did happen after he obliterated that beast… but I’ve never seen a dragon or a dragon be killed before so who am I to say what he is or not. So we’ll go up this mountain and see what these old men want.

Kaidan: *holds out his plate to him* alright, never thought I’d make the pilgrimage to high hrothgar myself but, there’s a first time for everything.

Taliesin: *takes his food from him and sets it aside as he turns his attention back to Wyrm* hopefully… he’ll be alright to make the climb when he wakes…

Kaidan: …hopefully he’ll accept my apology too.

———

???: lord seht please! Please help us!

???: my son! My son is sick my lord please!

???: my wife! Her eyes! Her face! It took her face!

???: it’s the mountain! It’s coming from the mountain my lord!

???: it hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It H̵̙͚̃̕ũ̴͓̃ͅr̶̪̞̄͛t̵̘̯͘͝ş̸̣̀ ̵̜̥͑͝h̴̲̊u̷̖̔̈r̵̜͛͘t̶͛̏͜s̴̛̲̙ ̶̡̛̉h̷̜̀̿u̸̘͂r̵̫̋͗t̵̗̬͛s̸̺̜͌͌ ̶̡͓͒͗h̷̫̎ṷ̸͗̆r̷̘̮̉t̴̛͉̔s̶͍͛ ̶̧̲͝h̶̏͜u̵̳̣͗̎r̷͕̬͂͊t̶̖̒s̷̼̈́̃ ̷͖͎͊h̸́͂͜ṷ̷̯̇r̸̦̂t̵̰̲̿š̵̨̯ ̸̡̉̃ḥ̷͑ủ̴̦̇r̷̻̃̌ṭ̵̘̐͋s̷̪̙͛ ̸̜̅͛h̷̬̓͗ủ̶͚r̶̖̦͑̂t̴͎̾s̸̛̗ẖ̴͕̀̓u̸͓̦͑͝r̸̠̱͠ṯ̷͆͝s̶̪̔͘h̶͈̻͆̒ù̷̡͇͂r̴̜͘t̸͉͖͆̏s̷͔̖̎̋h̸̡̫͊u̸̢̙͛r̶͓̤̔ṱ̶͑s̷͍̍̆h̸̥̲̏u̵͈̖̓̋r̵̩̝̈́͝ẗ̵̫ș̴̪̑͝ḩ̷͌ͅu̸͚͒r̸͖̮̊t̸̳̉̄s̸̤̞̎h̷͓̆ů̶̼r̶̠̞̈́̈́t̶̺̉̌s̴͈̗͠h̶̢̝͂͝u̸̿ͅŕ̵̻̦t̵̮͊s̵̝̚̚͜h̸̫̦̓̀ų̵̫͝r̷̳͕̐̆t̶͇̖̊s̸̡̼̈́͘h̴̬͚̀u̵̫̗͠r̸̜͑t̷̯͙́s̸̲͑̓ḩ̷͓̏ṵ̷̫͝r̸̻̝̈̀t̸̝̆̅s̴̨͖̑

…

…

…

Wyrm: *trembling as he looks around the space before him, only to see a mass of wires connecting to him in an empty chamber, his limbs replaced with metal and his flesh rotting* wh- what? Where- am I- *blinks again and nearly screams as the bloodied skinned face of indoril nerevar appears inches from his own*

“Wake. Up.”

Wyrm: *jolts awake and immediately screams and panics as he’s suddenly grabbed by two gentle gloved hands* LET ME GO! LET ME GO! HELP ME!

Taliesin: *easily keeping him restrained with a gentle hold* Wyrm, it’s me Wyrm! Come back to me…

Wyrm: *blinks and looks around frantically, vision splotchy with white flashes and the memory of nerevars face* Wh-what? I? *shivers feeling a cold breeze brush against him before finally resting his eyes up on taliesins concerned face, the moon reflecting in his eyes… they were outside* what h-happened?…

Taliesin: You were having a nightmare then you started sleep walking… *gently strokes his cheek drying his tears*

Wyrm: I?… I did? I?… *shivers at his touch and the night air blowing through his thin night shirt and trousers* …teacup… p-please?…

Taliesin: *removes his robe and places it around the smaller elf as he lifts him up and takes him back to the inn* shhh, it’s okay, it was just a bad dream. It can’t hurt you.

Wyrm: *hugs onto him trembling* b-but what if I hurt somebody instead?…

*the next day and an extremely long climb later*

Wyrm: *walking from high hrothgar* th-thank you for teaching me Mr Arngeir.

Arngeir: Don’t mention it dragonborn. It is our duty as the greybeards to teach you. But are you sure you wish to leave just yet? It’s very late. There is always beds available in high hrothgar.

Wyrm: oh I w-wouldn’t want to impose- *pauses looking at the steps to see Kaidan & Taliesin practically crawling to the steps, groaning and whining*

Kaidan: just- push me down it I’ll try and steer*

Taliesin: my legs- I can’t feel my legs-

Wyrm: a-actually yes I think we’ll take you up on that offer. G-guys? We’re staying the night!

Kaidan & Taliesin: *both collapse onto each other with a relieved sigh* ughh!

*meanwhile*

Ancano: *skulking about the collage writing his report, nose fixed back into place but now very bruised after being broken by Urag*

???: Out of the way out of the way!

Ancano: …Hm? *looks back in time to see Tolfdir and Enthir running back into the collage, both carrying Urag on a stretcher, the old orc freezing and suffering from hypothermia after getting lost in the blizzard trying to find his son* …Hm. *walks off with a sly smirk on his face, hoping Urag passes away and leaves Wyrm vunerable for him to steal away back to the isles* what, a, pity.

[existentialmagazine]

Existential Magazine’s September Roundup

With September coming to a close, we’re sharing just a handful of our favourite new releases from the month! Sit back, put on our New Music Friday playlist and spend a few minutes falling into the journeys of each track below.

Tali Flynt - I’m So Bored

Beginning our roundup for the month is the pop-rock queen Tali Flynt, with her eighth single ‘I’m So Bored’ released earlier this month, the singer-songwriter has created quite the whirlwind of a journey to explore within it. As it commences with delicate electric guitar strums and Tali’s soft but dominant vocals atop the intimacy, ‘I’m So Bored’ immediately sets a tone of brightness with hints of deeper melancholia to be unpacked. As things pick up further with added synths and steady drum beats for an atmospherically colourful chorus, Tali captures the essence of joy and freedom that comes with breaking out of the norm. As backing harmonies litter the proceeded verse, this well-built up soundscape doesn’t stop offering new snippets of sound to enjoy as you journey through its ebbs and flows for yourself. ‘I’m So Bored’ took inspiration from Tali’s longing to travel the world, experience new things and learn a wider array of cultures, all whilst embedding in her own personal touches too. Covering her displeasure with the stalemate she seems to have met within her life and the repeated structure of every day, lines like ‘I feel it all but I’m not satisfied, and I checked my phone because you crossed my mind’ capture her almost depressive state along with hints of a broken heart. All together, ‘I’m So Bored’ offers a bright sound alongside a narrative that’ll leave you wondering how you can bring new colour to your own life.

Moonroof - Maybe Crazy

Indie-pop band Moonroof may have met in their college days, but they’re now garnering an audience that thrives off their catchy belters and newest single ‘Maybe Crazy’ is no exception to that. Sitting at just under three minutes long, ‘Maybe Crazy’ captures an electrifying tempo and addictive beat that’ll leave you hooked on the bright soundscape yearning to be enjoyed. As a gorgeously vibrant electric guitar riff leads us in before swiftly fading away for the verse to commence, the sound leaves a little intimacy in the subtle bassline and fast-paced beat that sit alone as the vocals lay atop. Kicking up the energy as the chorus jumps into full swing, melodic guitars pick up the volume alongside clashing drums and the singing that takes centre stage with a woefully heartbroken offering. Just as things seem to fall into place, the vocals interestingly fall into more of a spoken-sung delivery for the second verse, displaying more of a raw tone that carries more of the emotion within its grit and adding just another flavour of delicacy paired with catchy sing-along goodness to the journey at hand. Delivering upon a narrative that fits the blended intimacy and colourful sound, ‘Maybe Crazy’ captures someone in the depths of heart break whilst still holding on for hope, wonderfully paralleled by the contrasting sounds that jump from uplifting to melancholic throughout: ‘Staying in, even if it’s just pretend.’

Boxteles - Relevant

Hailing from West Yorkshire, thundering indie-rock band Boxteles have been reigning as an underestimated powerhouse for far too long, and their latest single ‘Relevant’ is sure to get all eyes on them. Immediately bringing the energy and the undeniable gritty domination, ‘Relevant’ falls straight into place as aggressive electric guitar strums pace the way. Leaving the verses for the tense, quickly paced drum beats and vocals to get your heart thumping and your adrenaline building, it’s not long before the crashing chorus brings the climax you’ve been waiting on. Exploding with angsty guitar, clashing drums and vocals hoarsely making their confidence known, this short but sweet interval urges you get off your feet and listen to ‘Relevant’ the way it was intended - with head banging, moshing and jumping around in your room as if you’re at the sweatiest live show. As Boxteles aim to deal with subject matters that are close to them personally whilst still striking a chord with listeners, ‘Relevant’ certainly comes straight from the heart with an impassioned delivery to match. Whilst open to interpretation, we felt that much of ‘Relevant’ nodded towards the age of social media and feeling the constant need to stay relevant in an ever-evolving digital-scape, leaving listeners with not only a fiery song to dance along to but a reflection on their own digital creation and consumption.

Harry Orme - Me & Simona

Collaborating with Frankie Harper, songwriter Harry Orme’s latest single ‘Me & Simona’ delivers a beautiful debut insight into what the pair both have to offer. Lying at just over two minutes in length, this heartfelt and minimal release bottles up nostalgia within its softened layers and reaches out directly to your own heart in every simple but dear sound. With just prominent guitar plucks at the forefront of the journey, there’s a certain delicacy and closeness that ‘Me & Simona’ surfaces, as only atmospheric background sounds accompany this raw instrument and the emotionally evocative vocal delivery that melancholically lies atop it all. The intimate sound is, of course, tied into the personal and heartfelt narrative of ‘Me & Simona’, intertwining your own emotion within its dainty sounds. As Harry explores family, childhood, and the struggle to see yourself within those memories of the past when your present self feels so unaligned in comparison, ‘Me & Simona’ feels like a pained offering that seeks to let go of the past as to no longer feel so sombrely unattached to the person and experiences they once had. Fleeting childish joy, freedom and ultimate creativity all feel ever-so lost as we enter adulthood, and ‘Me & Simona’ seems to hauntingly capture the youthful self-expression and simple enjoyment we all once held that seems so distant to the people we all ultimately come as the world shapes us: ‘Grown now we’re older, we’re asking for more, but what more could there be?’

Sïan Able - The Ones Who Don’t Sleep

With a haunting dark pop, edging on classical single, Belgian based artist Sïan Able shares her newest single ‘The Ones Who Don’t Sleep.’ Rich in melancholic tones and a downbeat sway, ‘The Ones Who Don’t Sleep’ commences with deep piano notes filled with a tenderness and intended closeness. Only a simple beat lays in the background, with the occasional distant atmospheric sound and haunting backing vocal, allowing for the true depth of ‘The Ones Who Don’t Sleep’ to be found within the expressive piano and Sïan’s absolutely gorgeous vocal performance ebbing and flowing from impressive highs to sombre lows. A spoken audio clip overlays midway through, whilst Sïan continues to serenade the listener beside it, adding just another flavour of uniqueness and nightmarish eeriness to a sound so incredibly lingering. Written as an ode to all artists and creatives, especially those suffering with insomnia, ‘The Ones Who Don’t Sleep’ feels like a song of the nighttime that is too sincere and intimate to dare grace the light of the day. With such poignant tones and striking lines, the track speaks of insomnia almost as though it were a feeling, devoid of colour and resonant in its multifaceted powers. Whilst insomnia can be as dark and damaging as the moonlit sky at 4am, it also offers a light within yourself to view even the deepest of thoughts whether that be destructive or revealing, leading to some of the most insightfully personal music an artist could possibly write: ‘We can turn our hearts into flashlights… we are the ones who don’t sleep.’

Jameson Tabor - TOUCH

Freshly spinning pop and its emerging sub-genre, bluestep, Los Angeles based artist Jameson Tabor just released his latest serotonin-pumping offering ‘TOUCH’ that’s sure to get you in the groove whether you’re out with friends or home in your room. Capturing a funky beat at its core, ‘TOUCH’s nu-disco soundscape is filled with bright, colourful sounds and atop it all rests Jameson’s soulful vocal performance absolutely laden with clean, smooth charisma and a flirty edge within the lyrics. Sitting at three and a half minutes long, ‘TOUCH’ somehow feels like it ends just as quickly as it begins, wrapping you up inside its addictive beats and delectable tones and urging you put it on repeat for just one more loop around. Perfectly setting the scene of the flashing lights of a club, along with a thumping beat beneath your feet, ‘TOUCH’s lyricism pulls you right into the youthful nightlife scene just the way the sound pleads for: ‘Went so hard last night, at that party all night, saw you dancing with another guy but you were looking at me the whole time.’ Energetically spirited and embedded with the nervous butterflies sparked from young crushes and those glances across the room that say it all, ‘TOUCH’ is the perfect song for partying or just to capture some good vibes when you’re sitting at home wishing to be doing something just a little bit more exciting.

The UNCRTN - Forget About Me

Beginning as college friends jamming during in their free time, The UNCRTN quickly turned into a legitimate band taking over the NYC scene with their latest single ‘Forget About Me’ showing just why. Capturing a vibrant soundscape, the verses are slow but defined by a steady beat and twinkling backing sounds before the chorus picks up the thrills. Raw electric guitar strums reverberate through beside clashing drums and of course their vocalist’s undeniably bold and haunting presence, adding a refreshing clean tone against a soundscape of angst. As the chorus speaks of getting away from everyone’s toxicity, it’s clear that ‘Forget About Me’ is a song that at its heart reflects upon letting go of friendships that no longer serve you, whether they’re fresh or those from childhood that you don’t connect with anymore. As you find yourself changing over the course of your life, The UNCRTN speak of how those around you should change to reflect those same values too, as we often feel guilty cutting out people that bring us down when they’ve been in your life for such lengthy periods of time: ‘I don’t seem to relate and I can’t bear the weight, they’ll never see my side.’ With ‘Forget About Me’ covering all of that and more, it really urges the listener to use this single as time to reconsider their own relationships and perhaps redefine them, or just stick around to enjoy their energetic alternative rock sound always laced with a meaning to be remembered.

nina gala - tangerine

Bedroom pop dreamer nina gala has been releasing hazy music since 2016, but her recent end of a six year partnership mid-pandemic has only made her more recent music all the more intimate and raw, with new single ‘tangerine’ offering a short but lingering insight into her own delicate experiences. Leading with slow, reverberating electric guitar strums, ‘tangerine’ marks its place as resonant and atmospherically bold, as nina’s hauntingly sweet vocals overlay this sunny journey. Ethereal in its delicate tones and simple soundscape, ‘tangerine’ immerses you within every echoey tone and captures your heart in its slow build. Intimately unfolding a personal yet universal experience of her own, ‘tangerine’ simply reminisces on the safety and warmth that comes with being held closely by someone you love and admire. With only a few lyrics, nina allows for the words and sounds that are there to paint a picture in the most achingly poignant of ways, as lines like ‘bittersweet, your arms around me’ explore both the reality of longing and the comfort of being. Speaking of ‘tongues’, ‘bodies’, ‘sweet perfume’ and ‘light in the room’, ‘tangerine’ expresses itself best in the little details, not overdoing any explanation and instead transporting you to the scene with scents, sights and sensations, reeling you in through your own nostalgic bursts. Sitting at just over two minutes, ‘tangerine’ is the perfect short snippet of brightness and warmth, always there to embrace you in its world of colour even when the real world can feel so bleak.

Paul Vinson - I Can’t Go On (Without You)

Indie rock artist Paul Vinson just released his latest single ‘I Can’t Go On (Without You)’, an undoubtably resonant release right from the beginnings slow and melancholic tones. Leading with subdued guitar strums, the occasional steady beat and Paul’s haunting, clean vocals, this atmospheric tune builds upwards as we progress to create an environment urging you go from swaying along to singing along at full force. As the chorus picks up in volume and mildly in energy, it seems to offer a moment of more vibrancy and colour than the verses somber tones. ‘I Can’t Go On (Without You)’ lyrically offers a lingering take on mental health struggles, something that even if you haven’t been through personally, you likely can still connect with in some manner. As Paul focuses particularly on the intrusive thoughts of political and religious discourse, and the mental struggle of that weighing on your conscience, ‘I Can’t Go On (Without You)’ takes a solid stance on being wholly object to the corruption of our biggest establishments that take advantage of the poor and helpless. This vast meaning doesn’t immediately point towards such a narrative of depth however, with lines like ‘I’m feeling nothing for the seventh time this week’ resonating regardless of whether you’re as distraught by the state of the world as Paul and others find themselves to be. Perhaps even Paul’s tormented takes like ‘politicians on the tv screens… no one’s gonna change a single thing’ may leave you turning towards the world’s political state and seeing it more in its realistic, bleak shades. With a chorus that holds love at its centre however, Paul ensures that despite the verses aching for the world to be a better place, we can all still do our best and carry on as long as we’re surrounded by those we love.

Teasley - Ain’t No Way

LA based alternative pop and R&B artist Teasley thrives within his tropical, upbeat soundscapes that emulate the vibes of a setting sun after a long summer day, and new single ‘Ain’t No Way’ doesn’t falter in transporting the listener right there too. As smooth electronic beats set the tone for an easy-listening sound, Teasley builds an addictive groove in the atmospheric journey of ‘Ain’t No Way’, urging you sway along to the funky synths and closing reverberated guitar plucks. As twinkling bell sounds add a distinct yet distant ring in the distance every so often, it’s clear from the start that Teasley has incorporated a real mixed bag of eclectic sounds into the track that leave ‘Ain’t No Way’ feeling as unique as it possibly can with every sound interweaving seamlessly. As Teasley’s elegant and agile vocals deliver upon a clean and bubbly performance amidst it all, ‘Ain’t No Way’ is a track that more than pleads to be on repeat and heard just one more time, deserving your full attention. Resting at two and a half minutes long, ‘Ain’t No Way’ offers a lyrical message that’s as smooth and easy to listen to as his sound. Whilst showing that Teasley is finding some trouble in love, it ultimately pens as a romantic piece of how he won’t give up on the one he wants, no matter how long it takes for them to realise he’s not a player at the heart: ‘I’d rather just be lonely if you say you don’t want me.’ Authentic and original at its heart, ‘Ain’t No Way’ sets Teasley up for great things to come, championing the pop and R&B sounds with something refreshing to hear.

Jonathan Shapiro - Get A Grip

Sitting at just under two minutes long, Jonathan Shapiro’s newest single ‘Get A Grip’ blends alternative pop and emo rap into a catchy yet incredibly raw little gem of a song. Leading into things with a delicate electric guitar riff and building atmospherics, ‘Get A Grip’ from the beginning feels to be intimate and personal, with emotion lingering in every one of Jonathan’s words pushed to the forefront of the single. As a thundering beat harshly makes its presence known in ebbs and flows, the soundscape seemingly parallels the tracks feeling, jumping from anger to sadness both in lyrics and the instrumentals delicacy flipped to harshness. As Jonathan champions both juxtaposing states with his vocals, there’s a tormented realness in his delivery that carries a hoarse strain for the angsty moments and a haunting softness, interweaving an emo rap style with his impressive clean singing. Uniquely made over Facetime with his ex girlfriend, it’s no surprise that the lyricism of ‘Get A Grip’ comes from a place of pain and heartache. As a self-proclaimed breakup anthem for when you just want to be alone, ‘Get A Grip’ embodies all the post-breakup blues amidst the racing thoughts over-analysing every little detail: ‘I’ve been in my head too much, she said I’ve been leaving her on read too much, maybe if I wasn’t such a mess I’d love.’ Showcasing a mass of potential and plenty to love in just over a minute’s worth of music, Jonathan is sure to go far and ‘Get A Grip’ is just the beginning.

Kid Apollo - Smokescreen

Channeling rock pop acoustics, Kid Apollo’s newest single ‘Smokescreen’ offers an uplifting soundscape with a more lingering message. Reminiscent of early Arcade Fire and Sam Fender, ‘Smokescreen’ incorporates gorgeous acoustic guitar strums, a steady soft drum beat, synth sparkles, a deep bassline and vibrant chimes all cohesively blending to create a package of colourful energy and rhythms. Slowly building in volume and intensity, ‘Smokescreen’ progressively becomes more enchanting and bold, capturing intimacy and delicacy before coming in full-force with a renewed confidence. As Kid Apollo’s vocals complement these tones with elegance, there’s an authenticity behind every word sung, delivering not just an exceptional range of notes but also a cathartically stirring story to be heard. Written earlier in the year after a bad dose of what he believed to be COVID, Kid Apollo found himself penning all his worries and dislikes of the experience into this four minute journey as to keep himself occupied when the future seemed so unknown. With much of the lyrics allowing for a vagueness that can relate them to more universal struggles, the chorus line ‘I took one step forward and fell ten steps back, I'll be lucky if I ever get my senses back’ especially carries Kid Apollo’s personal struggle whilst still allowing for the listener to pair their own misfortunes and fears of falling behind. Warm and comforting, ‘Smokescreen’ feels like a reassuring embrace from someone you love, reminding you that despite it all you’re not the only one feeling like they’re behind.

Alex Su - Self Destruct Mode

Building a dedicated following since he began writing music at the age of 13, multi-genre spanning artist Alex Su leaves storytelling to be the heart of every one of his releases, connecting them despite their differences in sound. Sitting at a little over four minutes long, his latest single ‘Self Destruct Mode’ is again packed with Alex’s raw experiences and heartfelt thoughts right at its core, building an anthem perfect for the isolated, the sad and the destructive. Yearning, if not begging, for someone to stay even when they no longer love you, ‘Self Destruct Mode’ explores losing yourself in the complication of not being able to let go, losing your confidence and identity just for the sake of gripping onto someone you no longer recognise: ‘I stare deep into your eyes, trying to find myself in you, all I see are empty blues.’ This resonant narrative is of course paired with a melancholic electric soundscape to match, as addictive beats, echoey sounds and electric guitar plucks all linger in the vast sonic atmosphere that keeps things simple for a more intimate journey. Alex’s vocals explore a powerful range interweaved within the aching of the instrumentals, stirring previously dormant emotion right to the surface in every hoarse crack and wistful high that captures the depth of his own emotional entanglement.

Brooke Stilla - not over getting over you

Heavily inspired by Adele’s classic ‘Someone Like You’, upcoming pop artist Brooke Stilla penned her own track of heartbreak and longing in ‘not over getting over you.’ Beginning with an intimate piano intro, Brooke’s eloquent vocals explore a height of ranges beside the sombre notes ringing out beneath her, accompanied by soft backing hums. Just when you think you’re gripped by the heart within this pained tale of heartbreak at just under a minute in, Brooke ingeniously instrumentally switches things up, changing to chirpy piano notes, an addictive beat and a confident switch in her vocal delivery. Blending modern pop touches with contemporary elements, ‘not over getting over you’ doesn’t falter in offering something refreshing to the genre, whilst also bearing another pained breakup commentary. Finding herself still longing for a partner who’s already moved on, ‘not over getting over you’ is filled with torment and longing, as Brooke comes to the realisation that even when relationships physically end, mentally there will always be a tie between you whether it be good or bad. As she convinces herself they miss her too, yearning for them years after their breakup, ‘not over getting over you’ is a reassurance to everyone struggling to get over their ex that it’s perfectly okay to still find feelings residing long after the fact: ‘it’s not that I wasn’t over you, it’s that the feeling still lingers.’ Going as far as to say ‘it’s been a decade since I saw your face, but you know I’d never miss your Birthday’, Brooke doesn’t hesitate to open up and aid her listeners with a new perspective on heartbreak whilst they heal too, sharing that perhaps you don’t need to get over every heartbreak and instead can find solace in the love that will always be within you.

Chargr - Glitterball

Began by longtime artist Charlie Wood, lo-fi indie-pop project Chargr has been in the works since 2020, set up after Charlie found a renewed love for making music since the disbanding of his previous alternative pop band The Retro Spankees. With his latest single ‘Glitterball’ now out for the world to hear, this quirky piece of art is sure to start turning heads and re-sparking a sound reminiscent of long ago. Incorporating distorted electric guitar, a groovy bassline and a steady drum beat as the main funk-esque heart of the track, ‘Glitterball’ carries a nostalgic flair amidst its modern flourishes perfect for losing yourself in an abstract sonic plane. Offering plentiful addictive hooks and eclectic touches of vibrant sound, ‘Glitterball’ carries an upbeat, feel-good tone under its sound that feels lost in time, renewing a similar sound to rising stars I Don’t Know How, But They Found Me yet with an authentically original edge that makes Chargr’s sound entirely his own. Written as a mantra to remind you should check in on yourself when times are tough, ‘Glitterball’ reassures the listener you are the nicest person you’ll ever know, and you deserve to give yourself a break instead of beating yourself up. With the gorgeous, colourful sound paired with such a message of calm and comfort within yourself, ‘Glitterball’ doesn’t fail in lifting you mood and giving you a message to take away to close our roundup for the month: ‘No one manifested me, I make me myself, I’m everlasting.’

Give a listen to these songs and more in our New Music Friday playlist this week, or see our Roundup Recap playlist for every song previously featured in one of our monthly roundups that you might have missed!

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

[h0neyjaehyun]

☁︎ 𝐒𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 ☁︎

Mark

Mark loves hugging Talia for some reason, something about her aura makes her seem so lovable

He likes her sitting next to him so he can hold her hand and play with her hair since its really soft

Another things is he likes to sleepover and cuddle her to sleep over at her room since it smells nice

When they hangout in his room when she is over at the 127 dorm he likes to have her laying on his lap in silence

When hes nervous he plays with her fingers or rings and lays her head on his shoulder and lays his head on hers

He whines when she leaves the hug to do work, especially in the winter since it cold

When he says he doesn't want to hug anymore she leaves to do something else, he captures her right back

"Im hot I dont wanna cuddle anymore." "Okay" *gets up to leave* "wait nevermimd COMEBACK PLEASE."

Pats her head a lot when she does a good job

When he backhugs her, he grabs her hips and shakes her back and forth it, amuses him

During fansigns he likes to sit next to her having an arm around her or holding her hand when they are not with fans, and claims her for a good couple minutes not before other members fight him

"Ya Mark hyung stop hogging her." "Am not" "ARE TOO" "AM NOT" *fight ensues*

Or in the waiting room, waiting to start a performance you can see Mark having a hand around her waist with his head on her shoulder looking at videos.

Renjun

Hugs her a lot on and off camera

When he grew more comfortable with her he likes to kiss her cheeks since they are squishy and when he is feeling mischievous he lightly bites them

"Squishy" *kisses them* *Tali thinks nothing of it* *not satisfied* *bites* "Ah NO-"

Likes it cling on to her when she wears cute things since he finds her adorable.

When she tries to hug him he playfully denies but when she doesn't continue (because she doesn't want to make him uncomfortable) she goes to another member then he grabs her and hugs her saying he wants them now.

Has a limb around her at most times unless the other members beat him to it.

Then if she is wearing something revealing he likes to hide her by a big hug when he doesnt have a jacket.

When she's nervous she caresses his birthmark on his hand and lays her head on his shoulder

Gives her piggy back rides when she is tired and honestly worried that he is able to since she is really light and wants her to gain weight

During dream promotions they nap together in the car, lounge etc.

Likes to braid her hair or do her makeup and he does it pretty well

Sometimes gets jealous of other members when they hug her first or too long

"AY You hugged her enough come here Tali." "NO DONT LISTEN TO HIM" "HAECHAN LET GO OF HER" "NEVER-"

Jeno

Likes to pick her up a lot since she is smaller than him

*looks down at Tali* *Tali minding her own business* *picks her up* "ah wait-" *spins* "NO-"

Likes to squish her cheeks a lot when she pouts

When they are sitting he likes to either have her on his lap or between his legs so be can backhug her

Then he likes to kiss her head for when she is feeling down, or when they are in a peaceful place.

Likes to hold her hand a lot as her hands are smaller compared to his and he finds it adorble

*holds hand* "hm?" *( ◜‿◝ )* "cute"

When he has trouble sleeping he likes to go to her side/room and sleep with her as she cuddles him to sleep or sings.

And in airports he likes to engulf her in a bear hug so fans won't pull her away/she wont get lost/ just to keep her safe.

She likes to squish his cheeks when he smiles.

When she cant reach something she says up up and he picks her up by the waist so she can grab it

Then when ever she is bored she would poke Jeno's mole which makes them both smile

Then he has his hand on her back guiding her during award ceremonies

Lots of piggy back rides between these two.

One of her pillows

Nap in the lounge all the times together if not with Jeno then she goes to Renjun

Haechan

Has a limb on her at all times, or just a member away from her.

Loves to kiss her cheeks and vice versa, she find his skin so pretty she finds it hard not to kiss it

Hugs her all the time front/backhug/side etc

Always kissing her hand aswell, holds it with Jeno fighting for it when she is working and using her other hand to write or type something

My girl is just unbothered

He likes to specifically kiss her pinky for some reason

Has this thing for her legs, likes to lay on them, message them, when hes protective as a hand on her thigh and glares at the guy

Always jealous when a member has her for "too long"

"Ya Jisung GIVE HER" "NO I ONLY HAD FOR FOR 10 MINUTES SHE JUST GOT BACK HOME" "IM OLDER" "SO?" "SO?!"

Tali gives him a lot of head pats which he enjoys since he feels accomplish

Then when Tali tries to leave their cuddles session to go to a schedule not with him he whines

"Haechanie I have to go-" "Nooo" "Yes I have to go-" "NooooOOOO COMEBACK PWEASSE-"

Then he gets so dramatic when she leaves for a tour for Blackpink since he won't see her a couple months or weeks.

During tours she rooms with Haechan or he whines so much to the members dislike and if he doesnt room with his noona he will break in and take her.

During Mv shoots she usually goes up to Haechan and huddles up to him when its cold, he takes advantage of that time.

In the waiting room you can see if Tali is not sleeping Haechan will be sleeping on top of her, while she is softly scratching his scalp relaxing him to make him fall asleep

Jaemin

Let me tell you....this man is clingy to her.

Like he treats her like a princess and knows how to treat a girl, but he cant hold back

Like Haechan, he likes to kiss her cheeks and etc and thats how he shows his love to her

This man got them in a scandal on how he treats her but some people can't blame them its precious

He likes to tackle her with hugs, for example the level of aggressiveness he tackles her in different situations

One level is when she is back from a tour without them he tackles her to the ground another is when she leaves without a word then its when she loses balance now thats a 50% chance she will fall

He likes to use her as his personal pillow in the dorm/ in the louge when he takes a nap/ in the car etc

Will be one of the people to be right next to her when going somewhere to protect her

When he feels clingy he goes to her because he KNOWS she doesn't have the heart to deny him but knows she has a limit and doesn't cross it

This boy is possessive with her and cuddles, so he always fights Haechan or...all members

"Haechan let go, give her-" "No" "I- LET GO" "NO." *Haechan gets tackled*

When she wears revealing clothes he is always behind her either hugging her/covering her and sometimes tugs down the clothes

Or goes infront of her and button ups the clothes because if she does it she will get scolded

Then for fan service or to amuse him since he sometimes does it in the dorm he grabs a piece of hair and kisses it then smirks at her while she gives him either a blank or a flustered face

Likes to tickle her to her death doesn't stop until she says yes to her eating dessert with him when she is on diets.

Chenle

Was very very clingy towards her during trainee and debut years but got less but still clingy

A lot of hand holding an Chenle putting his head on her lap or shoulder

Fights anyone who tries to steal her away from him like Jaemin, Haechan ...well everyone

"Jaemin Hyung, no shes mine!" "No" "No?" "No" *silence* *fight breaks out*

When she gets quiet its not like she's never not he would always go next to her and accompany her while the chaos ensues

When she is over at his house he is always had a limb on her as he wants to spend as much time with her before the members come in

Always admires her eyes, so when she makes eye contact its hold for 5 minutes until she gets embarrassed which makes him hug her and say sorry

*makes eye contact* *gets embarrassed* "Oh IM SORRY, your eyes are so pretty...cute."

When he takes naps its usually with him on her

Will literally drag her out of bed so she can go out with him

Likes to mess with her hair and put ping tails which he finds adorble

When they are out together, they either have pinkys intertwined or hands, and if in a more crowded place has his arm around her shoulder or waist

Will cling on to her during hard times to feel reassurance that shes there

Jisung

He LOVES head pats from her

Its usually goes Tali laying on her bed and her hand is in the air fiddling with her rings

Then Jisung comes in and outs his head under her hand which makes her look at an adorble jisung wanting her attention which she starts petting his hair

Then he climbs on the bed and has trapped her in his limbs, unlikes Haechan she cant escape from his hugs

*put his head under her hand* *tali pets his hair* *traps her in his limbs* "i feel like this was a trap" *cutely nods*

Random ik but she made a baggett for him once when he asked Jaemin she just offered since she was making bread anyway and was waiting for the dough to rise

Likes to backhug her a lot since she smaller compared to him in height factor and honestly just wants to protect her like she protected him

Backhugs are the main part of this relationship, when she cooks for him its like a thank you

Likes to kiss her head since its more subtle then kissing her cheek

Tali loves squishing his cheeks and he lets her, since it makes her happy it also makes Jaemin jealous

"Squish squish" *smiles down at her* *Jaemin sulking in the back*

They fix each other hair, but mostly him fix her hair and him feeling accomplished afterwards

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Duplicity

An AU where Kaidan joins Cerberus for the events of ME2.

Chapter Nine: Of Explosions, Traps, and Thresher Maws

"Who did you blow to get access back?"

Mary looked up from the safety of the relatively stationary floor of the shuttle. This wasn't a day where the nausea meds worked to full effect, but she could suffer through a grin, "Illusive Man didn't appreciate Leng's interference with our mission."

"What a bosh'tet."

"You should still avoid him, if possible."

"Come on, Shep! Give me a reason to smear him against the cargo bay walls," Jack retorted with a smug grin.

Tali huffed, "I can take care of myself!"

Mary rubbed at her temples, focusing again on the grooves in the flooring, "we might be pushing it already."

"As I said," Jack sighed, "it's an empty facility. Since when did you give a fuck about what Cerberus thinks? Did you drink Cheerleader's kool-aid?"

"I jumped at the idea of blowing up this facility if my urgency was not noted," she retorted, "and only if it was cherry flavored. Unfortunately, it tastes like watered down orange."

"You're fucking weird."

"I'm sure someone likes orange flavoring."

"And they would be wrong, and besides, have you ever tasted orange?"

"That's beside the point, Shepard."

"Why is the bastard even here?" Jack interjected, becoming the voice of reason.

Mary puffed out her cheeks, "he was elusive about it. Leng mentioned something about a confidentiality breach. Tali, did you try and hack their systems?"

Tali shook her head, "if I did, they wouldn't have caught me."

Shepard grinned.

"Cerberus has the entire Normandy bugged, and not to mention that AI. I wouldn't do something like that without you knowing about it."

Mary nodded, "I thought so. If I wanted to get rid of those bugs, what would I need to do?"

Tali went silent.

"Way to ruin your plan," the biotic gently mocked.

"Who is Kai Leng to you?"

Jack leaned back in her seat with a growing scowl, "him and some Cerberus bitch tried to capture me. It didn't happen, but some mercs got me instead."

"That explains how you got to Purgatory," Mary murmured in response.

Jack shrugged, not interested in further explaining that particular defeat.

"Please be careful with him; even Miranda seemed spooked," she cautioned gently.

"Cerberus has really got you by the balls."

The blond flinched, "I'll have you know I ignored an urgent message from the Illusive Man to bring you here." It was a poor attempt at a deflection; everyone aboard the Normandy knew about her history with a certain crewmate. Worse was the presence of nearly every friend she had left in the galaxy. Most brought in by her. She had no doubts that the Collecter threat was overly sensationalized, but for the time being, it what her only option in stopping the threat. Anderson had seen the threat for himself, but whether or not he could help remained unknown partially because she was afraid of a formal admonishing.

"I forgot how much I hate this place."

~~~

"Shepard-- we caught a break."

Predictably, the break was a trap. Mary wasn't liking the new habit of trampling through her ship in armour fresh from a fight. Or how annoyingly composed the Illusive Man always was, even in her impromptu meeting, he was waiting with a cigarette and drink in hand. The bastard knew what he had done. Worse, he was ready for her to explode.

"In the meantime... I suggest you tell your crew I didn't risk their lives unnecessarily," whether or not the microscopic curl of his lip was imagined in the end, "it would make things easier going forward."

"I'll tell them the truth, screw this half-truth bullshit," Mary leaned back on her heel, folding her arms.

"Our reports missed the petulant child side of you," he took a long drag, flicking away the butt, "can't you see this was necessary."

"Not in the way you handled it."

His pupils narrowed as he stared at her, mouth kept in a thin line. Boldened by this slip, Mary pushed it, "you'll be lucky to have my crew after this."

"Who, exactly, is going to help you? The council already dismissed you once. The Alliance doesn't care about the humans in the Terminus Systems," his posture and blank expression returned, "unless you don't care about the abducted colonies and the Reaper threat anymore."

"Fuck you!"

He issued a long and drawn-out chuckle, "I expected better behavior from you, Shepard. Be an adult, and put aside your petty grievances. You need me to stop this threat."

The coldness pierced her heart first, spreading through her veins with incredible speed until it froze the tip of her fingers. The frigidity of her body forcing her face in a neutral expression, "Akuze was no petty grievance, you conniving prick."

She couldn't lose much more face, so stomping off without a pause was well within her wheelhouse.

"Mary?"

Kaidan knew that look, not that he had to be blocking her way to read it. The emotionless mask was there for only a select few emotions, and all urged him to reach out. Whatever it was, at least meant he wouldn't have to explain why he hovered around the briefing room. He stood his ground, allowing her the time to breathe before he attempted to pry it out of her. Eventually, her shoulders dropped for the briefest moment before squaring back up.

"Talk to me," Kaidan murmured gently, "what happened out there?"

Shepard's posture had corrected, but the mask had yet to fall. Moving him into unfamiliar territory, so he waited for her to speak. Timidly, slowly, placing his hand on her pauldron once the time elapsed into the space of no response.

"Shepard," he called.

First, her body lurched forward, he instinctively moved to pull her in, but the arm that reached around him corrected course and shoved him aside. Perhaps a little harshly, as his back met the metal wall of the hallway. Finally, the mask slipped, catching the moment her eyes filled with regret that morphed with the half-assed raising of her arms, "it was a trap."

Mary spun away to the right, sputtering another few choice words as Mordin collided with her across the opening doorway.

"Go get Grunt ready; we're headed to Tuchanka."

~~~

"You've had a lot more poker practice, Alenko," the turian mused in defeat.

"Back then, I was never invited," the biotic returned snidely.

"Only because Shepard took you everywhere," Tali added wistfully, "you were both so moony-eyed."

"Is that your excuse for always losing, Vakarian?" Kaidan grinned, fighting a bittersweet blush, "careful Tali, you'll start slipping."

"You were all formally crewmates?" Thane finally decided to speak from his corner of the mess hall table. His gaze lingered longer on the human. The other two were obviously connected to Shepard. His short time aboard the Normandy, he hardly saw the Commander and this man in the same room.

The human's next smile a little less forced, "yeah. With Joker at the helm. Those were crazy days."

"Much simpler times, just chasing a rogue spectre across the galaxy."

Tali hummed, "it felt more heroic back then."

"To hell with Cerberus," the man muttered.

Thane stood from his seat, this talk of the past making him feel further like a stranger in this group. Why Officer Alenko had invited him in the first place was a mystery, he hadn't attempted to speak with anyone. Not out of malice but out of desire. Shepard's words about him socializing with the crew to find meaning the sole reason he attempted this game.

The three looked up at him in unison.

"We can change the game."

"You can just stay and talk if you want."

"Look at you guys scaring away the new blood."

Thane glanced between the group; they were a good sort. He shrugged in an effort not to disappoint them, returning to his seat; he had little else of import to do.

"How about a game of go fish?"

The turian turned to the man, "isn't that a children's game?"

"I thought keeping your credits would be an enticing offer," Kaidan returned smugly.

"I already owe you a small fortune when you do decide to collect," the turian drawled, "might not be wise to encourage you to do so."

"I'm banking on interest too, Garrus."

"You would," Garrus chuckled, his eyes sweeping to the quarian, "but Tali, I've always wondered why your faceplate is tinted. Doesn't that distort your vision?"

"Garrus my e-"

Grunt barrelled by the table, taking the L2's attention with him. Adding biotics to the already large Krogan only increased his appetite, especially after a fight. The youngster looked pleased, settling down at the table with whatever was easiest to sweep into his arms—tearing into the still bagged loaf of bread sideways, the group watching with mixed reactions.

"Grunt," Tali was the first to scold, "you should be a little more careful."

"He's just a growing boy, Tali," Garrus replied.

The krogan looked up and around the table with a sheepish grin, "I am a boy no longer. I have passed the rite, and with my battle master, have defeated a thresher maw! You should be in awe!"

"That's no small feat-" Thane finding himself suddenly the chatty one.

"It was glorious! A worthy opponent. So big and in your face," Grunt continued to gloat through mouthfuls of bread and plastic.

"And Shepard?" the man dared to ask.

"The best battle master. Our enemies should be afraid!"

"Was she upset?" Tali pressed.

"No- she fought bravely."

Garrus was next to speak, "nothing odd?"

The krogan groaned, "she fought well. So well, she was too tired to speak."

Kaidan shuffled from his chair, hesitating as the turian and quarian took turns locking eyes with him, "am I supposed to sit here and do nothing?"

"I wouldn't test her patience."

Tali folded her arms, "what could you even do? Guilt trip her again?"

"Ouch," Kaidan flinched, running a hand through his hair, "I deserved that one."

Grunt looked around the table, cocking his head to the side. Thane went still, achieving a far better understanding of the situation than the confused krogan. Until Miranda, followed by Kai Leng burst from the second officer's office, both beelined for the elevator. Garrus, Tali, and Kaidan moved to intercept the pair.

"Out of our way," the Cerberus assassin seethed.

"Do you have a death wish?" Garrus tried to defuse him with humor and a well-intentioned claw on his shoulder. It did not work; the man's eyes only narrowed the anger held in his posture, doubling.

"Keep your dirty talons off of me, bird!"

Tali pulled Garrus back, allowing Kaidan to get in the way.

"That wasn't necessary," the biotic stated bluntly.

Leng rolled his eyes, "and neither is whatever fit Shepard is having in the elevator."

"So you're going to make it worse by demanding she stop?"

"Kaidan, we can't let her damage the ship," Miranda added gently.

"Yeah, I know," Kaidan sighed, rubbing at his temples, "but she won't. I don't think she will, anyway. It's her way of coping."

"By letting off biotic charges?"

"Yeah, I know, but has she damaged anything?"

EDI piqued up, "damage remains cosmetic."

Miranda placed her hands on her hips, "well, this is why we hired you, Alenko. Make her stop, or we'll be forced to act."

"Next time, a little warning after she's faced a Maw would help."

~~~

Riding through the elevator of the Normandy was an old pastime. Something about being crammed into a small space with blank walls let her think. About the good, about the bad, about anything that needed her consideration, really. She had spent hours in the old elevator; they moved much too quickly in the new ship. With more floors and staff came more distractions.

Usually, it involved much less biotic discharge, but this time that display kept the peace. The strain to keep it contained and from flaring too brightly occupied her mind pushed out the thing... the creature... that kept trying to wedge back in her mental space. Pulling it all back in, only characterized by a faint aura around her form, was another challenge. She kept her back to the person.

Ignoring it until the crinkling of a bag pulled her attention.

The opened bag revealing the light reddish-brown contents within, "I thought you might be hungry."

She looked Kaidan up and down, resting on his gentle gaze. Why was she so stubborn? Was he really so different? Did who he worked for matter? She couldn't pretend that all she saw of Cerberus was bad. She trusted Jacob- he had many of the same qualms she did about the organization but continued under their banner without compromising his morals. Her work was good fighting to protect the galaxy from the Reaper threat. Sure at the moment, it felt solely based on saving humans from the Collector threat, but they were only a tiny piece of the problem. She saw no shift in Kaidan, despite the things he had done after she passed. The same integrity, the same aggravating calm, the same compassion.

Perhaps she was unfair. What would she do to bring back the man she loved?

Huh, love was a funny feeling—a light but at the same time heavy notion.

Fuck this.

Fuck the forced distance.

If they were going to die, why waste what could be their last moments together?

"Kaidan."

Pushing the chips aside, she wriggled her way into his arms. A hand threaded through her still damp hair, his nose pressing into the top of her skull. The other arm supported the small of her back, cradling her in gently. Mary breathed in his familiar scent, no different than the man she knew two years ago. It was this easy. Some, but not all, of her worries faded into the background. She had missed physical comfort.

"Wrex was there," it was all she could offer.

Kaidan's chest rumbled, the patch pressed against her forehead an unwelcomed annoyance. A reminder. Hot and blinding, the logo was all she could focus on as it rubbed against her.

Maybe she was weak, but she could not separate the horror from the uniform.

He let her escape without a fuss, leaving him empty-handed.

[hunnybadgerv]

Hold On | Mass Effect | Guardians in the Darkness | Nyx Shepard x Kaidan Alenko

Summary: Nyx tries to apply some reason to the changes in their rekindled relationship and that she remembers of their last chance at the free expression of how they felt for one another.

a/n: This was supposed to be a smutty little thing for @painterofhorizons, then Nyx and Kaidan got all feelsy on me.

Read on AO3

Hold On

The hot water dribbled over his shoulders and down his back in speeding rivulets. Nyx wondered if she’d ever really get used to the sight—Kaidan Alenko in her shower, in her bed, in her life, again. It hadn’t felt like this the last time. Those few weeks of leave on Earth, holed up in his apartment, invading his home and his life. It became so easy. A peck good morning then a run that turned into a race back to be the first to get into the shower. Sometimes negotiations were involved as who got there first. Almost every time they ended up in a stalemate, making out under the waterfall of hot water—hands teasing as much as washing.

Nyx patted her cheek and chin with the towel she held up in front of her, remembering how she would just waltz across the room and fall onto his sofa. She would drape her legs along the cushions and prop her feet in his lap as they read the few reports that filtered into their inboxes during the repair and resupply of the Normandy. She never saw it ending, even knowing that it couldn’t stay just like that. She had basked in the comfort and relative normalcy of it, of having him right there whenever she turned around, of them having the chance to just be them, together.

Kaidan still ameliorated the chaos. And together they were moving toward hale and cozy in this new chance at a relationship, but she didn’t find the same kind of calm they had when it felt like they had all the time in the world.

Maybe that’s it, she wondered as she smiled at him.

He’d looked over at her and caught her ogling him. Kaidan smirked and kept his warm gaze on her as she mostly just stared back at him; Nyx didn’t even make a play at drying off or having anything better to do than look at him.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, grabbing the shampoo off the inset shelf near the water controls.

“Trying to figure out why I can’t take my eyes off you.”

He smiled at her again. “Well, rumor has it I’m a rather handsome gentleman.”

“That’s truth, not a rumor, hon.” Shepard managed to turn and actually moved to drape the towel around her, finally breaking eye contact with him as she fussed with the corner and tried to tuck it tight enough to hold itself up.

He chuckled at her, tipping his head back to rinse the shimmery suds from his salted black hair. Complete hard, honest truth. Her mind distracted itself again by the subtle hints of difference between then and now—her hazy memories and the reality of the man standing before her.

Nyx traced her index finger through the condensation on the counter. “It’s not the same as in Vancouver,” she finally admitted.

He’d been reaching for the knob when their eyes locked in the mirror’s reflection. When he turned it, the bathroom was bathed in a near deafening silence. She watched him still. Observed the way he pushed the towel through his hair then down his chest as he closed the distance between them with drippy, sloshing footsteps. Tucking his towel around his waist, he never dropped her gaze. Not even when he stood right behind her. Even then it didn’t really drop so much as shift when he just turned and angled her chin to get her to look up at him.

“I hadn’t lost you yet,” he said so quietly that she thought her heart might break.

Oh, there is that, too, she remembered. That part was too easy for her to forget. It wasn’t the same for her. The attack on the Normandy bled into the attack on Lazarus Station, like no time had passed between. Even though she knew it wasn’t like that for anyone else, not him or Tali or Garrus—any of her friends and family. She couldn’t help the guilt that cropped up at once again having forgotten.

“I sold that place so fast,” he admitted, his thumb grazing her jaw.

Nyx couldn’t say anything she just stared up into his face unable to look away. He hadn’t told her that.

“Couldn’t turn around in there without seeing you.” Kaidan rested his forehead against hers. A gruff sound played in his throat. “You’d only been there two damn weeks and you were everywhere.”

Again her voice failed her, her throat too tight to even contemplate anything more than breathing. Besides, what could she really say. All she could manage was tilting her chin enough to brush her lips against his. Her hand cupped his cheek as she closed her eyes and kissed him again. It was the only solid communication she could muster in the moment, the only apology, the only comfort.

Finally, she found her voice again. “I thought maybe—” she started but she didn’t know how to say it, not without being blunt and impolitic. “With all this. The threat. I mean. This might be the last moment we have.”

“Damn, Nyx.”

“There were a lot of things I didn’t get to say … before.” The last word came out smaller.

Kaidan just stared at her, his hands tightening on her hips like he might somehow be able to keep her from drifting off into space if something happened right in that moment.

“But it wasn’t because I didn’t have the chance,” she argued, staring up at him like somehow the words falling from her mouth could change the past. “I just … I thought—”

“There’d be more time,” he answered, finishing the thought that got stuck in her throat.

The curve on her lips showcased the traces of anguish that still twisted deep in her chest. “I keep wondering why I stare every time I look at you, like I’m trying to memorize every angle, every curve. Why I can’t not touch you when you’re near. Why I need to hold you so close and so tight all the time. I wondered if it was the Reapers, the inevitability of … all of it. I mean—”

Kaidan’s mouth landed on hers. It was less a kiss and more just away to stop everything for a second—her mind, her voice. The quiver in his lips told her more than she really wanted to think about. Eventually, the silencing technique evolved into a proper kiss, one brimming with desperation and passion. His embrace crushed her to him; Nyx didn’t want him to let up, she welcomed this pressure. Maybe an anxious little piece of her hoped that they could anchor one another right in that spot long enough to hold back time and steal a moment from the universe, a moment all their own.

Like all moorings, their embrace could bear no permanence. Inch by inch, in increments, they shifted apart, trading a tight grip for gentle caresses. Desperate kisses gave way to delicate longing.

“I don’t want to talk about the Reapers,” Kaidan whispered against her mouth. “Not here. Not now.” His hands curled her damp hair behind her ears; his fingertips traced the line of her jaw. “I only get you all to myself for a little while. And I don’t want to spend it talking about the war.”

Nyx nodded. She understood, seconded that opinion, even. Her head tipped back to meet his kiss when he leaned closer. She had to rise onto her tiptoes in order to drape her arms over his broad shoulders.

Grazing her neck in their retreat, his hands dropped from her face. He grabbed her bottom and used the counter for leverage to get her off her feet. There was no hesitation in the way she wrapped her legs around his hips, locking her ankles at the base of his spine. The bathroom door swished open, the warm humidity giving way to the dry chill air of her quarters. He knew the route by heart, which was lucky because she wasn’t about to miss one kiss along the way.

The tight squeeze of his arms around her waist inspired her to loosen her leg lock on his torso and she stood up on the edge of the bed. It changed the angle of their kiss, giving her a rare moment of height advantage. She kissed him, smiling against his mouth as she held his face in both her hands.

“There is something to be said for being taller,” she teased.

Kaidan chuckled at her. His hands smoothed down her hips to the edge of the towel. The gentlest of tugs was all it took to dislodge it. She gave him a chastising look when it pooled around her feet on the corner of the bed.

“That it does,” he hummed in agreement glancing down at her chest which was just about even with his mouth.

Her grip on his cheeks tightened when he moved toward her skin. “Ah, ah, ah.”

Kaidan’s hands moved with purpose, dropping his own towel then scooping her legs out from under her and back into his arms. After a few steps on his knees, he laid her gently on the bed like some kind of princess, at least that’s how it made Nyx feel. He was careful with her, treated her as if she were delicate and precious despite the fact she’d proven over and over in her life just how tough, how unbreakable, and how strong she was.

Of course, he didn’t need her to be strong for him. He always seemed to be the one who was strong for her. Nyx kissed him harder. Only letting it break long enough for the two of them to wrangle the sheets down and back up. Kaidan barely even had a chance to get himself covered before she pressed herself against his side, dotting his chest with soft kisses. One arm slid beneath her head, under her pillow as he cradled her closer.

A quiet hum settled in his chest as she continued to dot quick pecks and lingering open-mouthed kisses over his pecs, collarbone, and toward his neck. His fingertips danced lightly at the small of her back. A needy groan parted his lips when her hand skimmed up his thigh and slipped between them.

“So much for sleep,” he chuckled against her hairline as she stroked him again.

“Who said anything about that?” Nyx blinked up at him, and Kaidan captured her lips in a deep kiss. She shifted against his warm skin, draping her leg over his hip.

The hand at the small of her back traced the back of her thigh down to her knee, then shifted direction again as he nibbled at her lips. A soft gasp parted her pink lips when he grazed her center. “Not me,” he agreed.

He thickened in her hand and she pressed her hips toward his teasing fingers, chasing temptation. “I want you so bad,” she whispered against his chest as she nuzzled against his skin, leaving kisses here and there. “I mean always,” she admitted, blinking up at him.

“Really?” he purred, wearing a smirk.

“God, yes,” she moaned when he slipped his finger inside her. Her hips stuttered when he traced the same digit through her folds to circle her clit.

“Like, when?” he taunted, leaning forward to suck her earlobe into his mouth.

Her hips shifted in a languid rhythm, chasing his touch; her hand moved with a similar, firm pace and particular purpose. Nyx hummed, a mix of excitement and contemplation. “You and Joker were talking about vectors the other day. And when you leaned over the console …” Her eyebrows flashed upward.

“Yes?” he prompted.

Nyx grinned at him. “Well, it wasn’t your back I wanted to put my hand on.”

“Commander!” he said, feigning shock. “Are you suggesting you wanted to grab my ass on the bridge?”

She gave him a look that suggested he was close, but not quite on the mark. “It’s terrible, I know. Sometimes you flash that sweet smirk my way and the only thing I can think about is getting you out of that uniform and under me.” Nyx keened when he slipped his fingers inside her again. Kaidan held her gaze as her head tipped back with the sound.

“You clearly don’t know how inappropriately I’m thinking when you drop armor on the flight back,” his mouth closed over her throat. “When you tug that suit half off and tie the arms around your waist.”

She hummed and gripped his cock a little tighter. “You’re not the only one thinking just how easy it would be for you to push me against the wall of the shuttle and just fuck the adrenaline out of my system.”

Kaidan bit down on her shoulder hard with a low growl. Using his forearm, he positioned her leg higher on his side and shooed her hand off his cock. Her breath quivered when he pressed it against her. Her hips swirled, rubbing her clit with the plump tip before Kaidan guided himself against her. He teased them both, coating himself in her wetness before he slipped into her with the slightest shift in his hips. Each stroke pressed her clit against his shaft as he pumped into her shallowly.

“I don’t think Cortez and Vega would approve,” he finally said, thrusting sharply into her and making Nyx gasp.

“Cortez might be forgiving.”

“Garrus wouldn’t,” Kaidan teased.

“Never can tell.” She rocked against his languid movements savoring the way his body moved into hers. He gripped her ass tightly, pulling her toward him each time while keeping her leg up and out of the way. “You feel amazing,” she told him, clinging to his neck like she might fall through the hull of the ship if she didn’t.

Distance was not something she wanted or needed. “You were wet so fast.”

A blush raced across her face. “Told you. It takes less than nothing to get me thinking about you in compromising positions.”

Kaidan kissed her hard. “Fuck,” he growled against her mouth. She knew he was on the edge before his rhythm went jagged; she felt that telltale stretch that telegraphed his orgasm. His hand tightened on her rear; so much so, she knew she was likely to wake up with bruises. He pulled her forward, burying himself inside her as he came. Nyx stroked his neck, while she kissed him slow and deep.

His grip on her eased as he thrusted in and out of her a few more times until he softened enough for her to lose the stimulation. Then his hand shifted, moving between her legs in as close a manner as he could mimic. He teased her clit, sliding back when her hips rocked in order to dip his fingers into her. Kissing her the whole time.

“I want to hear you come, Nyx,” he announced against her mouth when her breathing reached a fevered pitch. “You to come apart. I’ve got you.” His voice was thick with need, as his deft fingers urged her onward.

She would have liked to come with him, but even when she didn’t he never let her go without. Kaidan refused to even contemplate her being unsatisfied.

“I know,” she said, petting the back of is head as she held onto him with every ounce of strength she could manage.

“Damn, I wish I was inside you,” he groaned against her neck before biting her. She knew he wasn’t anywhere close to the end of his refractory period, and there was no way she could keep this up.

“I’m close,” she gasped against his cheek, a part of her wishing she weren’t, a part of her wishing she could hold out for those few extra minutes until she could have him inside her again. “Kaidan,” she purred. “Kiss me.”

He didn’t miss a beat, his lips were on hers and his tongue in her mouth an instant later. That hum in her throat, built to a moan. Her hips worked against his hand. Kaidan held her tight against him as he inched her toward the precipice. A wave of warm electricity washed through her limbs when the proverbial dam broke. She shuddered against him, one hand shooting to his wrist to keep him from pulling away before the sensation faded.

They finally shifted apart, both their bodies slicked in a fresh sheen of sweat. “Maybe we should have held off on the shower,” he teased, stealing a kiss from her before he flicked the sheets off of himself. “Don’t you move a muscle,” he ordered before heading to the bathroom.

“Yes, sir. Major, sir,” she replied in breathless teasing.

Kaidan shot her a playful look over his shoulder. A little voice in the back of her head kind of hoped he might make her pay for that little gibe. She bit her lip and watched him walk back across the room; it was then she realized that one of her earlier observations had been completely correct. She was trying to memorize every detail. When he knelt on the edge of the bed, she bolted upright and grabbed him by the neck to pull him into a kiss. He caught himself on one hand, which kept him from toppling onto her completely—not that Nyx would have minded at all.

He kissed her without question, entirely consumed by it as she was. Once her grip eased up, Kaidan shifted.

“Missed you, too,” he chuckled. Tenderly, he eased her legs apart and swiped the cooling wet fabric between her legs. It wasn’t a shower, but it would work. He folded it and did it again, lingering a bit longer than necessary as the pattern of the hand towel’s fabric pressed and slid against her still swollen clit. When she looked up at him, he was watching her reaction.

She smiled at him and leaned up to steal another kiss. “Kaidan?”

“Hmm?” he replied, setting the towel on the bedside table.

“Would you rub my back?”

He grinned at her and kissed her on the tip of the nose. “It’d be my pleasure.”

Nyx let him lie back against the pillows, then fitted herself against him, with her head tucked into the crook of his shoulder. The lights dimmed, and the only sound other than their breathing was the quiet barely there hum of the filters for the fish tanks. Kaidan’s fingers traced across her bare skin until he was sure she was asleep. Even so, his hand only fell still once his own sleep cycle stole his consciousness from him.

[dianapocalypse]

Alright y’all, with the release of Mass Effect: Legendary Edition, it’s time for me to share my playlist for the entire trilogy.

I’ve refined this over like six years so scientifically speaking it’s probably good right. oh also it’s four hours long. so if you have a road trip or a boring job, this one’s for you. disclaimer, it’s entirely possible I have garbage taste in music. I also missed some characters and moments because there’s 65 songs here and I am merely human.

If you don’t have the patience for four hours, I recommend starting at track 45 and listening to the end, as the Mass Effect 3 portion is the strongest in my opinion.

UNDER THE CUT FOR DESCRIPTIONS WE GO!

FIRST MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 1

1. Atlas - Coldplay Eden Prime

“Sometimes the wire Must tense for the note Caught in the fire, say oh We're about to explode“

I really like the atmosphere of this song. It’s ominous, but also somehow hopeful, and makes me feel like Something Huge Is Coming.

2. I Will Not Sing A Hateful Song - Constantines Paragon Shepard

“But I was also born and raised To always speak and listen clear To know the last sound that I make Could be the last sound that I hear“

OK, listen, I think this song is about vampires, and I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a metaphor or not. But I think this is a great song about controlling one’s temper, about knowing that you have to Rise Above the parts of you that want to lash out sometimes to get things done and have peace. Seeing as how paragon Shepard, to me, always seems like they’re three deep breaths away from snapping, but manage to keep it in check, it fits them to a T.

And also maybe they’re a vampire.

3. Hard to Kill - Beth Crowley Renegade Shepard

“So I let the rumors Turn me into a legend 'Cause I'm only human But a good myth is hard to kill”

This one’s a recent addition, but holy cow, I love it for Renegade Shep, particularly an Earthborn or Ruthless, but it works for any of them.

4. We Own the Skies - Five Iron Frenzy Joker

“My hands are bleeding where they often crack The stars will sometimes burn with longing Through the choking black Of night shifts piling each against the next”

This really vibes with Joker’s backstory for me, his super driven serious self in flight school, contrasted with who he is when he can fly a ship. He’s the best pilot in the goddamn fleet and I love him.

5. I Just Wanna See - Smash Mouth Kaidan Alenko

“Mister moon checkin' on how y'all livin' The stars all winkin' at the day that's dimmin' I just wanna see”

This song fits into his reactions to first showing up at the Citadel and his former romanticism about living in space. Ironically, it’s a song about Earth, but I feel like it works well for him. Also, Smash Mouth absolutely sounds like the kind of music Kaidan would listen to, no I will not be taking questions or constructive criticism.

6. Don’t Give Up - Noisettes Ashley Williams

“She's got a talented face and a suitcase Ain't got no desire to go no place In her case she's got no desire with her hand in the flame say's she don't feel the fire “

The energy of this song is just perfect for Ashley’s no-nonsense chip on her shoulder attitude.

7. About As Helpful As You Can Be Without Being Any Help At All - Dan Mangan The Council

“I was thrown in the boat/Cast out to sea Friendly with waves/There were sharks below Hungry for me/So I dangled my leg”

I mean, the title says it all.

8. The Captain - Guster Anderson

“Courageous, just like the captain Marching forward with no doubt in his head”

I have adored this song ever since my friend played it for me, and it’s the ultimate mentor-protégé jam for me.

9. Secret Agent Man - Johnny Rivers Garrus Vakarian

“Here's a man who leads a life of danger To everyone he meets he stays a stranger Oh, with every move he makes another chance he takes The odds are he won't live to see tomorrow”

I have to poke a little fun at Garrus and how seriously he takes himself in Mass Effect 1. I romanced him across four playthrus, I’m allowed!

10. I’m Getting Too Old For This Shit - Kill Lincoln Urdnot Wrex

“This random apathy/I swear it's killing me But I guess it's all the same, till the devil knows my name”

I don’t know ANYTHING about this band, but this song fits Wrex’s disillusionment with the Krogan well, plus, like. The title. (And also, that he secretly DOES care what happens to the Krogan.)

11. Bird Song - Juniper Vale Tali’zorah nar Rayya

“I want to dance on the horizon line But there is something I am caged behind I have a heart made for take flight But I'm low, so low”

I adore this song and the sound of Juniper Vale in general. The etherealness of this one, combined with the youthful optimism, feels very Tali. The line about ‘something I am caged behind’ works well for the suits, too. This one’s especially good if you’re a Talimancer!

12. 11. Green Garden - Laura Mvula Liara T’Soni

“And I’ll fly on the wings of a butterfly High as a tree top and down again Putting my bag down, taking my shoes off Walk on the carpet of green velvet”

I really like this song’s vibes and I feel like Liara fits it well, particularly in ME1, before all her youthful optimism is stripped from her. The scenery descriptions feel very Thessia, too.

13. Feed Me (Git It) - Little Shop of Horrors The Thorian 

“The guy sure looks like plant food to me!”

Do you get it. Do you get my joke. It’s because the Thorian is a plant that eats people. (I’m not funny)

14. Blindness - Metric Matriarch Benezia

“I was a blind fool, never complained All the survivors singing in the rain “

I don’t love the use of blind here as a negative, albeit metaphorical, descriptor, but I think this song fits Benezia’s indoctrination and death well. If you have suggestions for another, though, let me know!

15. Technologic - Daft Punk Saren

“Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it”

I just think it’s Neat

16. Watershed - Vienna Teng The Reapers

“ While you were building your empires I was still sleeping”

I think this is the song that inspired the entire playlist. Vienna Teng sat down and decided to write a song from the perspective of a natural disaster, and it’s so ominous and gut-wrenching.

17. Hourglass - The Hush Sound Virmire

“This is how it ends We believe every lie and say we'll be friends How long will it last? Before we scratch all the scripts and we rework the cast “

hahahahah rework the cast get it because you have to pick who DIES

Seriously tho I really like this song for Virmire and that moment of choice that feels like it lasts 100 years on some playthroughts.

18. Pompeii - Bastille The Siege of the Citadel

“ And the walls kept tumbling down In the city that we love”

Throwback to when this song was on the radio like three times an hour. Which is around the time I made the first draft of this playlist, incidentally! It’s such a good Final Battle Jam for the Citadel, and the part about “if you close your eyes/does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all” I think work really well for Shepard in this sequence. Shepard knew the Reapers were coming, had been fighting them all along; this attack on the Citadel is just retreading familiar territory for them, as horrifying as the war being brought to their doorstep is for the Citadel’s citizens and the council. James Vega has some good dialogue about that kind of thing in ME3.

INTERLUDE THE FIRST

19. Starships - Nicki Minaj The Normandy Crew

Starships were meant to fly Hands up and touch the sky

I like to have a little fun OK

20. Gravity - Yoko Kanno The Death of Commander Shepard

“Am I alone? is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet still the road keeps on telling me to go on”

Welcome to mood whiplash, it’s my specialty! This is the part where you die. I think it also works for her coma very well, when she’s just drifting between life and death, not sure what’s going on, but something keeps trying to pull her back to the world.

SECOND MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 2

21. The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy The Lazarus Project

“Hey young blood, doesn't it feel like our time is running out? I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix “

this song has no right to go as hard as it does and if  you think it’s melodramatic shut up

22. My Body Is A Cage - Peter Gabriel Commander Shepard

“I'm living in an age Whose name I don't know Though the fear keeps me moving Still my heart beats so slow “

This works particularly well if you romanced The Virmire Survivor, but this song captures the energy of Shepard freaking out bc they are trapped with Cerberus, because Cerberus rebuilt their body from the ground up. That jarring, caged feeling is so palpable in ME2 that when they gave me back Joker the first time I played, I BURST INTO SOBS from relief.

23. The Lady is a Vamp - The Spice Girls Miranda Lawson

“That's all in the past, legends built to last But she's got something new”

Listen. She’s a bond babe. Handbags, heels and pistols rock. She’s got class. This is a song about Miranda. That is all.

24. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down Jacob Taylor

“ I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon After all I knew, it had to be something to do with you “

This one’s about the Vibes for me. Also can apply to his past relationship with Miranda. I’m also super showing my age on this song, oof haha.

25. Stable Song - Death Cab For Cutie Colony Abduction

“Rows of deserted houses all Our stable mates highway bound “

I really like the mood of this one for showing up on the very first abducted colony, the eerieness and sadness of it all and Shepard’s resolve to do something about it.

26. Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn Kasumi Goto

“I'm so very hot that when I rob your mansion You ain't call the cops, you call the fire station”

THAT COUPLET ALONE MAKES THE ENTIRE SONG. I love how playful and cheeky it is.

27. Seven Nation Army Glitch Mob Remix - The White Stripes, Glitch Mob Zaeed Massani

“And I'm talking to myself at night Because I can't forget Back and forth through my mind Behind a cigarette”

Pretty sure we all had this on some playlist or another when it came out, and it’s the perfect Badass With A Grudge song.

28. Science is Real - They Might Be Giants Mordin Solus

“ And when a theory emerges Consistent with the facts The proof is with science The truth is with science “

This one actually got added by my wife to replace a song that wasn’t on Spotify, but that has the same energy; Hank Green’s “I Fucking Love Science”. I get more into the emotional side of Mordin in the ME3 section, but I also really just love his Hamster On Coffee energy and this song captures it really well.

29. Prove Yourself - Radiohead Garrus Vakarian

“I can't afford to breathe in this town Nowhere to sit without a gun in my hand Hooked back up to the cathode ray

I'm better off dead “

The absolute rock bottom mental state Garrus is in when you get back to him in ME2 is so heartwrenching. Might not always agree with my boy’s methods, but he’s one of my favorite fictional characters of all time.

30. Rat a Tat - Fallout Boy Feat. Courtney Love Jack

“We are professional ashes of roses, this kerosene's live You settled your score, this is where you come to beg”

It helps that Courtney Love sounds exactly like Jack to me, NGL.

31. Defeat You - Smash Mouth Grunt

“Hey I know what you've done It makes it that much better to defeat you “

Only I am brave enough to put two songs by Smash Mouth on the same playlist, to be shared in 2021

32. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New Horizon/The Virmire Survivor

“If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand Hope you find out what you want Already know what I am “

Hits harder if you romanced the Virmire Survivor. Mostly from Shep’s perspective. This is a Shep that feels Bad after that encounter rather than Mad, so Your Mileage May Vary.

33. Violet Stars Happy Hunting! - Janelle Monae Tali’zorah vas Neema

“I'm an alien from outer space I'm a cyber-girl without a face a heart or a mind”

I just like the vibes of this one for Tali! I know it’s more about an actual AI but...IDK. I like it. So there.

34. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd Thane Krios

“There is no pain you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon”

This song works both on a Literal level with his Kepral’s syndrome struggles, but also Metaphorical re: his Battle Sleep. Plus, Thane is a dad, so he gets Dad Rock.

35. My Medea - Vienna Teng Samara

“For I have made her prison be Her every step away from me And this child I would destroy If you tried to set her free “

Mom of the year award, here

36. Toxic - Britney Spears Morinth

“There's no escape, I can't wait I need a hit, baby, give me it You're dangerous, I'm loving it”

If Morinth weren’t so under-utilized after recruitment and didn’t get killed off in the background of ME3 I’d probably actually recruit her sometimes. I almost did on my most recent playthru bc that Shepard just HATES SPACE COPS. Anyway the song explains itself

37. Turn me On - David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj EDI/The Collector Attack

“My body needs a hero Come and save me Something tells me you know how to save me”

I know this song is a metaphor but also it works really well both literally and metaphorically for Joker saving EDI

38. Robots - Dan Mangan Legion

“Robots need love too They want to be loved by you “

The Geth just want to live peacefullyyyyyy 

39. Be Still - The Killers Love Interest Theme

“Be still / someday you’ll leave fearlessness on your sleeve”

This song works so well for the night before Omega-4. If you had an ME2 love interest, anyway. Also “fearlessness on your sleeve” is one of my favorite set of words ever written.

40. No Cars Go - Arcade Fire The Omega-4 Relay

“We know a place no spaceships go We know a place where no subs go “

This one’s pretty literal.

41. Rocketman - Elton John Suicide Mission

“ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home “

I like sneaking some Classics onto my playlists, and I think this is how I generally approach Shepard’s mindset during the Suicide Mission, mostly the chorus. I’m also a sucker for ballads during action sequences. This one isn’t a perfect 1:1 but the Vibes check out.

42. Blast Off - David Guetta feat. Kaz James The Normandy Crew

“Got all my people with me And none of us give a fuck So put dem hands up higher Let's smash this party up”

You have to imagine they partied HARD after recovering from Suicide Mission, but before Shep got arrested, right??? This is the Starships for ME2.

INTERLUDE THE SECOND

43. I’m Not Your Hero - Tegan and Sara Liara T’soni

“ Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart Learning all I know now, losing all I did I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead “

This feels like a good coming of age moment for Liara, as she copes with the choices she made in the 2 years of Shepard’s death (giving them to Cerberus), losing Feron, etc. This is her coming into her own as the Shadow Broker. She’s not meant to be an uncomplicated Big Damn Hero, but she can do good from this position.

44. The Well and the Lighthouse - Arcade Fire The Alpha Relay Incident

“I'm serving time All for a crime I did commit You want the truth? You know I'd do it all again“

These opening lines I feel capture the Alpha Relay Incident really well, and how Shepard did what they HAD to do there, and would do it again, but it still feels like shit. I always wished there was more choice on that mission, but also, having something like that happen without player agency is interesting. Shepard is at their most interesting, I think, in times where we DON’T have a say in what happens to them.

45. Reignite - Malukah Commander Shepard

“Crush my heart into embers, and I will reignite”

Is it cheating to use a Mass Effect fan song on my playlist? I certainly don’t think so, and this is the best Mass Effect fan song ever written.

THIRD MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 3

46. This Is War - Thirty Seconds to Mars Leaving Earth

“It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie The moment to live and the moment to die The moment to fight, the moment to fight To fight, to fight, to fight “

It feels Too Easy to use this here but I’m gonna anyway. You’ve seen AMVs of this set to everything. It’s the ending song of DA:O. It’s the quintessential World At War song.

47. Battleborn - The Killers James Vega

“Up against the wall There's something dying on the street When they knock you down You're gonna get back on your feet”

James Vega is massively underrated and I will love him til I’m cold in the ground. Aro icon.

48. Handlebars - Flobots The Illusive Man

“I can hand out a million vaccinations Or let 'em all die of exasperation Have 'em all healed of their lacerations Have 'em all killed by assassination”

The way this song escalates fits TIM and Cerberus’s fall back into being Just Full On Evil really well. Perfect song for a power trip.

49. Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - The Decemberists The Virmire Survivor

“And I am nothing of a builder But here I dreamt I was an architect And I built this balustrade To keep you home, to keep you safe From the outside world”

I like this song for how the Virmire Survivor feels about their survivor’s guilt and also about Shepard. I honestly wish they were both more heavily utilized in ME2 and 3, but I realize it’s hard to write a ton of content for characters who just aren’t in half of all peoples’ playthrus.

50. Heaven Knows - The Pretty Reckless Grisson Academy

“One, two, three and four, the devil's knocking at your door Caught in the eye of a dead man's lie Show your life with your head held high“

This song is so perfect for Jack and her biotic kids that she’s one of the only returning characters that gets her own song on this playlist

51. The Great Fire - OK Go Javik

“But when the flames die down, and everything is gone, Will there be fire under the ashes still?”

Self explanatory. Javik is the fire remaining under the ashes.

52. Bring the Hammer Down - Paragon Priority: Tuchanka/Kalros

“ Hammer strikes the anvil A rage that breaks the chain Strikes down like a lightening In our ranks “

KALROOOOOS

53. Wake Up - Arcade Fire Curing The Genophage/Mordin Solus

“If the children don't grow up, Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to Rust I guess we'll just have to adjust”

I just really love this song as an image of Mordin’s spirit looking out over Tuchanka as the genophage cure is dispersed, and watching over future generations. If you didn’t cure the genophage, how dare you. No song for you.

Anyway started tearing up listening to this one while writing the description don’t look at me

54. Ballad of a Politician - Regina Spektor Councillor Udina/Priority Citadel 2

“A man inside a room is shaking hands with other men This is how it happens/Our carefully laid plans”

traitor

55. Cyborgs vs. Robots - Ludo The Geth-Quarian War

“But your iron fist will never knock me down 'Cause I'm powered By a conscious right to conduct my life without fear.”

This is probably a bit silly for this awful war. But also. It does fit. You can’t tell me it doesn’t. Just save them both at the end and you can feel fine having some fun with it!

56. Artificial Heart - Jonathan Coulton The Geth

“It's not a real heart It is a real artificial heart”

Just a little fun with the Geth! This works best with Reaper Upgrades.

57. With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Anderson, Jim Sturgess The Citadel DLC

“What do you see when you turn out the light? I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends”

I happen to prefer this version to any other because of how much fun it sounds like they’re having

58. Dark In Here - The Mountain Goats Priority: Earth

“Steal away at sundown, pick a place to hide Check for signs of ambush, hunker down inside Tired of running, tired of never standing still Hear them riding up the hill“

You know I had to get the Goats in here. Would it be a fan playlist if there wasn’t one?

59. Adieu - Yoko Kanno Leaving your Love Interest/Shepard and the Beam

“My love for you burns deep inside me / So strong Embers of times we had And now, here I stand / Lost in a memory I see your face, and smile”

...do I need to say more than that?

60. My Way (Minor Key) - Chase Holfelder The Indoctrination of The Illusive Man

“Regrets, I've had a few/But then again, too few to mention I did what I had to do/I saw it through, without exemption“

This cover takes this song from something I tolerate when I hear it to one of my FAVORITE songs. The frenzied way he sings the “through it all” verse is PEAK Indoctrinated TIM.

61. I’m Alive - Disturbed Refusal 

“There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice To change myself, I'd rather die/Though they will not understand”

Honestly I didn’t “get” the Refusal ending until I heard this song, then I was like, OH, I SEE IT ALL SO CLEARLY NOW. This is my favorite in-universe Shepard take on the Refusal ending. I always got it from the player’s perspective of being dissatisfied with the options, but this one puts it into the world for me. This is a Shepard who does not trust the Starchild. This is a Shepard that chooses to end things on their own terms rather than submit to their designs.

62. Machine - Regina Spektor Control 

“I collect my moments Into a correspondence With a mightier power Who just lacks my perspective And who lacks my organics And who covets my defects “

I used to have Adieu here, actually, because like Refusal, I didn’t used to GET the Control ending. Now, I do, in part thanks to hearing this song. I mean, just go look at the full lyrics. If this song hadn’t been written years before the end of Mass Effect 3, I’d swear it was a fan song for it.

63. Maybe Tomorrow - Yuki Kajiura Destroy 

“The moon is gone And the night is still so dark I'm a little bit afraid of tomorrow“

I’m a Destroy Ending person, I won’t lie. Full on “the starchild is a liar and my synthetic friends are FINE” indoctrination theory level destroy ending. But this song is not about that. It’s about the canonical destroy ending, and if you prefer a Shep that survives it, this song’s for you.

This song captures the exhaustion and melancholy of the end of a long journey so well. Shepard is afraid of what comes next, the collateral damage resulting from their actions. But they know that, at least, it’s over now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

64. Waiting For the End - Linkin Park Synthesis

“ I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got”

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. The hardest part of ending is starting again. Oof. Gets me every single time. Shepard finding the resolve to sacrifice themself for the hope of something better, of things not going how they planned, ever, of learning to make peace with that and the people who loved them learning to carry on without them? OOF.

65. Shine - Vienna Teng Epilogue

“Shine with all the untold Hold the light given unto you Find the love to unfold In this broken world we choose“

Vienna Teng is a master of capturing life’s softer emotions, and this fits perfectly with the epilogue scene for me. Tell me again about the Shepard.

“Find the love to unfold in this broken world we choose” has to be one of the greatest lines about the human experience ever written.

[duchesschameleon]

codependent idiots

an ajf playlist for @winterscaptain

hello tali! and everyone else reading this.

music is something incredibly important to me, as a musician and as someone who hates existing in silence. I always need something in the background. so, what better way to celebrate 100 ajf fics than with a playlist? tali, I am so incredibly proud of you for 100 ajf fics and so honored to have been part of the journey. and to be your friend. seeing the hard work that goes into this universe and how much you love it is just incredible. I cannot wait for what comes next and to see you continue to create and grow this universe that I love so, so much. you are amazing and wonderful and I love you to bits and pieces darling.

so without further ado, here’s the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0RpXkdEbsdMqX6l5daBdaL?si=bae62e4556674c84

These songs make me think of ajf or just fit the universe - it’s not about one specific moment or one specific relationship, it’s ajf as whole. So I’ve included a little explanation for each song, considering there isn’t a cohesive sound.

paper rings - taylor swift

this one is pretty self explanatory. it’s a song about loving someone so much you don’t care how, when, or why you marry them. considering meraki, I think we can all agree this fits.

I will follow you into the dark - death cab for cutie

this is a song that screams going to the end of the line for someone. and we’ve seen time and time again (and I’ve referenced it in many a commentary) that aaron & mom lean on each other for everything. they are so reliant on each other for everything and I feel like this song captures it. 

be my baby - the ronettes 

another classic love song. and just the right amount of sweetness for aaron & mom I think. their love, to me, is a deep and everlasting love that endures and as we’ve seen in the fic, is filled with sweet moments between each other. and there’s a lot in this song about knowing you love someone from the start.

can’t keep on loving you from a distance - elliot yamin

this fits into berry hill/mean it ajf I think. it’s the yearning guys. it’s the not being able to love someone from afar anymore and wanting to do something about it. yeah I threw in a little angst, but this is one of my favorite songs. it’s good and it fits. it’s a crossroads.

die a happy man - thomas rhett

pretty self explanatory, listen to the lyrics. it's all about needing just the love of the person you love the most in this world. that is aaron and mom to a t. 

unforgettable - thomas rhett

okay an upbeat song! this one is not forgetting any detail from when you met the person you love. again, aaron and mom. also it’s one of my favorite thomas rhett songs. it’s about inevitability, knowing that you’ve found your person, and not forgetting a single thing about them. 

this will be (an everlasting love) - natalie cole

aaron always gives me classic song vibes, he likes the oldies and what he was raised on. this song is...it is happiness personified. it is happiness and joy in a song and you cannot convince me it wasn’t played at the wedding. 

make a life, not a living - brett kissel

okay so first off: brett kissel is an amazing canadian country artist whom I love dearly. this is his newest song and it was released just in time for this. this ENCAPSULATES ajf for me - this aaron that allows himself to live and love again, to have this happiness and joy. it’s all about making a life, and making a good one. this is ajf for me. 

between you and me - brett kissel

and this one is for all the 18+/nsfw moments. listen to the song and it's pretty self-explanatory. 

at last - etta james

it took them like 6 years (? I think) to get together and another 2.5 to get married. someone played this at the wedding and you cannot convince me otherwise. again, it goes to inevitability and how everyone was waiting for this to happen. we knew it was gonna happen, it was just a matter of when. so when it does happen, everyone’s screaming “AT LAST!”

kiss me - ed sheeran

okay this album came out in 2011, mean it happened in 2011...it fits. and this song screams mean it to me. that’s really all I have to say

give me love - ed sheeran

same reasoning as kiss me. I just couldn’t decide which one fit more. but they both work.

growin’ up - bruce springsteen

this song is less mom & aaron and more ajf in general. it’s rebellion and doing what you want - hello bau - and it’s just a great song about learning and growing up and doing things your way. also it’s me, there had to be springsteen on here somewhere

mary’s place - bruce springsteen

run with me on this one: you’re driving in the car with your family, people you love, and this song comes on. you can’t help but smile and sing along and it is happiness personified. this one is all about the vibes, not the lyrics or meaning of the song. this to me is a bit of a party starter and something that could play at every bau party. familiar faces, laughter, gathering people together….this is all about having a good time with people you love. 

we take care of our own - bruce springsteen

last springsteen song I promise. this one is similar to above, it’s all about a family and being there for one another. looking out for your own, looking out for each other. 

some day one day - queen

this is a great soft, sweet song talking about hope for mom & aaron. much like this is early in queen’s discography, it fits into the early years of ajf. 

you’re my best friend - queen

self explanatory. they are codependent, they rely on each other so much, they are best friends and lovers. it fits so well. and this song will always put a smile on my face.

another one bites the dust - queen

another unsub bites the dust because the bau is great at their jobs. and, this screams hotchner’s dancing around the kitchen or the living room. they seem like the kind of family to dance around and film each other for….no ulterior motive whatsoever (/sarcasm)

my wish - rascal flatts 

so this fits for the wedding vows BUT ALSO - during enough when aaron is thinking about how he’ll fit into reader’s life. he just wants them to have a good life, to find happiness. that is his wish for them. 

danger zone - kenny loggins

we all know the hotchner’s love top gun. they absolutely, unabashedly love this song and blast it for a dance party. 

landslide - fleetwood mac

maybe it’s because we sang this at my camp as a last night campfire song, but I can see this being a song sung to the littles to get them to settle down. the lyrics might not make total sense but it’s a bit of a vibe. 

this is it - scotty mccreery

it’s a great love song and I love it. it gives me ajf vibes for many reasons and many moments in the series

not alone - mcfly

OH ITS TIME FOR MY MCFLY SOAPBOX. mcfly is a band that yes, I mostly know because of the close geography of the internet and early 2010s british youtubers. they are a big band in the uk and they were in an early 2000s movie called just my luck with chris pine and lindsay lohan. I love the movie, I love mcfly. seriously, they are one of my favorite bands ever. not alone is a great song and one I think can be the background for many ajf scenes. and yes this is about to start a few mcfly songs on the playlist

I wanna hold you - mcfly

it’s just about being close and wanting to hold the person you love. how many times during ajf do we see mom & aaron with a hand on each other and reaching for one another? 

it’s all about you - mcfly

I tend to find this is the most well known mcfly song. it was written for one of the band members’ wife and it’s so good. and yes, again, it encapsulates the love aaron and mom have.

being alive - company

I kinda had the realization that this song screams aaron to me. that for so long he fought against his feelings and was almost content with being alone, with not having anyone. he sort of holds himself at arms length, like bobby does throughout company. and then at some point, there’s a switch. and he realizes that being alone is not the same as being alive and he wants to have someone to hold and someone to be alive with. and that’s what this song is about. 

louder than words - tick, tick, boom

there are so many times where aaron and mom just look at each other. they use their actions, their body language, and their eyes to communicate and forgo words. they don’t need words. and it’s not just with one another. it’s with jack and the littles and the whole team. actions truly do speak louder than words in this universe. 

always will - bright star 

it’s a mean it & mistletoe song. “we’re supposed to be/together it’s true/I’ve had my doubts/but not about you.” these lyrics SCREAM ajf and this is one of my favorite songs from bright star - WHICH IS AN UNDERRATED MUSICAL.

dirty little secret - all american rejects

okay so it’s never a dirty secret, but this fits in during the mean it arc. they’re so secretive and sneaking around. we needed one unhinged song here okay???

the power of love - huey lewis & the news

this is a song that fits the relationship, but is also something that could play in the hotchner house and get everyone singing and jamming. or could be played at dinner at uncle dave’s house to get everyone up and dancing on the flagstones.

sharp dressed man - zz top

it’s aaron hotchner. also, this is a song I can see aaron making his kids listen to (yes my dad made me listen to this a lot growing up)

I want to hold your hand - the beatles

yes we need a beatles song on here and yes this is one that always makes me think of ajf. there’s always some way people are touching - linking pinkies, holding hands, a finger through a belt loop, hands on the top of someone’s chair - touch and contact are important here so yes this is the requisite beatles song.

the heart never lies - mcfly

one more mcfly song. just listen to the lyrics and you’ll know why it’s one of my favorites. for as long as these two fought their feelings and denied them, the heart never lies. and their eyes can give it away.

[indestinatus]

Planting Seeds

my entry for the @giveusourtivaprompts​ September prompt challenge!! 🌼 inspired by the amazing art of Pascal Campion.

prompt: soft // 1k-2k words // “you matter to me” // home

read it on AO3 :)

“What about this one?” asked Ziva, taking a pot from the ground which held a rather large leafy fern and balancing it on her hip.

Tony eyed it for a moment, trying to see what was different in that one to the other potted plants she had asked his opinion on earlier. 

“Great,” was all that he could come up with, looking at Ziva apologetically. 

She lifted a brow. “Are you going to say that to everything I ask?”

Tony studied how composed she looked with that potted plant on her hip among so many others in the nursery, a place he never saw himself entering in the first place. 

“Hm… pretty much, yeah.”

She eyed him for a moment then chuckled, shaking her head as she returned the clay pot to the ground. 

Tony watched her walk further ahead, Ziva’s gaze darting from the grassy flowers sitting on various wooden racks around them to the hanging ivies that cascaded from the glass panels towards the floor. She looked calm, surprisingly in peace with the arduous task of decorating their house—something he’d been struggling with since he stopped living by himself almost three years ago.

It was the end of winter, which marked a whole season they’ve spent together without having to worry about Sahar, and the breezy March air was somewhat peaceful on itself; but Tony couldn’t shake the restless feeling that now bubbled inside his chest. 

“Are you certain about this?” he asked carefully, following her steps close behind. 

Ziva chuckled again. “That house looks haunted without any plants. I know you don’t like greens, but some nature is good for the spirits.” 

Unable to control the agitation growing inside, Tony took a grassy leaf as he passed by and snapped it, only to realize when an employee shot him a disapproving glare that they were there for sale; which made him instantly turn red from his mistake. 

After mumbling some horrible apology, Tony turned to Ziva again, making sure to focus on her instead of the enclosed green surroundings. 

“I know, it’s just… Are you certain that’s what you want?”

She looked over her shoulder, brows pulling in. “The plants?”

Tony swallowed. “To live here,” he cautioned. “With me.”

Ziva stopped, turning to face him with a sad look in her eyes. 

“Tony,” she said, and even if her voice had a bit of sympathy, there was no pity in it. 

She raised a hand to squeeze his arm and her eyes met his, searching for an understatement that went far beyond words could capture. 

“Sorry,” Tony replied, shaking his head. A plant nursery wasn’t the right place to have this conversation, and he knew that. “After... well, after that, I’ve been questioning things.”

Ziva eyed him with concern, her hand still resting just above his elbow. 

“Are you having doubts?” she asked, eyes skimming his face. 

“No,” Tony breathed out. “God, no. It’s just… my ego has been bruised.”

“Good thing it’s big enough to take a beating.”

She offered him a small smile, but he didn’t have it in him to return.

“Tony,” Ziva said again, eyes searching his until their gazes met. “Just because I don’t want to marry you right now, it doesn’t mean I don’t want you. Or our daughter.”

Remembering the night the conversation about marriage had been brought up, the uncertainty must have been clear in Tony’s eyes, because Ziva raised the hand that held his arm to cup his cheek instead. 

“Quite the contrary,” she said. “Now I don’t want anything else.”

His pulse calmed down a little when he raised a hand to hold her wrist, reminding himself once again that she was real, that they were there together. 

“I want what you want.”

“I want a home,” she said with sympathy. “A place where I can just be. For a while.” Her hand drew back from his face to squeeze the one that held her wrist, eyes still locked with his. “To breathe, that’s what I want.”

Thinking about the things she had to do to be there with him in the first place brought back a wave of guilt, and Tony suddenly felt ashamed to be asking that of her so soon. 

“Sorry,” he offered.

Ziva shook her head. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I know, it’s just…” his eyes darted to the sunlit roof, now unable to meet her gaze. “You matter to me, Ziva. And you’ve been through so much, I’m—I’m never certain if what I can give you is enough.”

She brought her other hand to rest against their already joined ones. 

“Why do you say that?”

Tony clenched his jaw. “The ring… it was silly.”

“It wasn’t silly. At all.” He felt her fingers turning his chin so she could look at him, and found a surprising steadiness in her eyes. “If you want to marry me, we can do it right now. Or five years in the future. Or next month. It doesn’t matter.”

Ziva eyed him for a moment, skimming his face again for signs of worry before bringing their joined hands to rest just above his heart.

“Tony, I want you,” she said low enough for only him to hear. “Not a ring. I just… don’t think now it’s the right moment, that’s all.”

He watched her wait for his reaction, his heartbeat slowing down as he let himself get lost in those pretty eyes. He remembered why they were there in the first place—to decorate a new home—and saw Ziva visibly relax as he raised a hand to brush a loose strand of hair out of her face. 

“I know,” he breathed. “Me neither.”

She must have sensed there was more to it than he’d let on, though, because Ziva’s gaze stayed on his for a moment too long before she leaned in to press a soft kiss on his cheek. 

“Thank you,” she said, knowing him too well for his own good.

With a small smile, Tony let her go, and they continued to walk across the aisles filled with plants from both sides again.

“Do you want a white porch at least?” he asked, pleased to see the heaviness of the air had decreased. “So I can fulfill half of the American dream?”

Ziva gave him a warm chuckle, replying, “only if you help me choose the plants for it.”

“Just don’t put them in the bedroom.”

She turned to him, an eyebrow lifted. “Why?”

“Isn’t there something about them killing you in your sleep because they steal all your oxygen?”

Ziva laughed then, her smile making his heart skip a beat. 

“You think this is all just a plot for me to kill you?”

Tony pursed his lips. “History made me not trust you.”

“Hm,” she hummed, sounding amused. 

“And you don’t want to marry me, so I have the right to think that.”

The look she gave him made Tony regret his words immediately, and he found himself apologizing again before he could think better of it. 

“Sorry.”

Ziva waved a hand in front of her face, dismissing the matter quickly. 

“How about trees?” she asked. “Big trees, so that Tali can climb them?”

That made Tony laugh, surprised by the question. “Oh, she would be obsessed with it. We used to go to the park twice a week only for me to have constant heart attacks whenever she yelled before jumping down.” He was fond of that memory. “I’m sure that child was a monkey in a past life.”

“Really?” Ziva turned to him, a new sparkle in her eyes that made him question what she was thinking. She chuckled right after, leaving him to his own thoughts. “You could make a swing to go with it.”

“I could.” Tony mused on the idea. 

“So we can watch her from our white, American porch.”

A smile started to twitch on Tony’s lips, and he took the seed envelope she was holding to keep from looking at her, skimming over gardening instructions even if his attention was elsewhere. 

“That will take a long time, though,” he said, feeling her presence at his side. “Trees can take years to grow.”

A moment passed and he felt Ziva carefully take the seeds out of his hands, their fingers brushing as she did so. He glanced at her then, amused to see she had held back on the seeds to keep them. 

“I know that.” 

Ziva cast him a knowing smirk—and as her words sank in, Tony just couldn’t hold back the grin that stretched on his face. 

They started walking again, being interrupted only by Ziva turning on her heels to throw something his way. 

“If you can’t help me choose them, do something useful at least. Hold this.” She gave him her purse, and Tony was still smiling when he caught it in the air. 

And as she drifted towards the checkout with nothing more than an envelope of seeds, Tony realized his American dream wouldn’t have to tick all the boxes to still be a pretty good one.

[benditlikepress]

texted you a picture where you looked pretty

@indestinatus @coffeedepablo @ncisjes

all day long I waited for my phone to ring

I counted every glow star on my ceiling

texted you a picture where you looked pretty

and wondered if you saved the ones you had of me…

[illuminati hotties – (you’re better) than ever]

The first time Tony sent Ziva a picture, she’d only been gone a week.

He hadn’t left the apartment for anything other than work since getting back - first because of jetlag, and then out of plain exhaustion. It didn’t help that both work and home were full of things that reminded him of her, of them, so much so that it was beginning to feel like a strange form of self-flagellation to stay cooped up there.

It was easy to convince himself he wasn’t thinking about her, talking himself into thinking about any and every other topic on the planet until he was lying in bed wide awake staring into space wondering where it had all gone wrong. It was then, and only then, that he allowed himself to obsess: to think over things he should’ve said, things he never said, or ways he could try and fix what he knew deep down was unfixable.

This particular night was worse than most – someone at work had stopped him in the elevator and asked him what was happening with Ziva, and if she was coming back – and he’d found himself seeking out reminders of her rather than pretending he wasn’t hyper-fixating on them. His phone was a great source for that: text messages and phone records and her name, over and over and over. His photos and videos, too, were full of her, and his tired fingers paused on one she’d never known he’d taken. The most recent one he’d taken of her - asleep, wrapped in sheets, the Israeli sun hitting the bare skin of her shoulders and back. Her hair was spread out over the pillow and her hand was spread over the vacated side of the bed, as though reaching out for him.

He couldn’t bring himself to scroll past it even when it caused a ball to form in his chest that made it hard to swallow.

It was 2am and he found himself opening a conversation thread and dropping the photograph into it, pressing send quickly.

“I really miss you”

He typed the words with nervous fingers and pressed send even quicker still before throwing his phone in a drawer and turning away from it.

He woke up three hours later and saw she hadn’t opened the message yet. He deleted it, and thanked the gods of modern technology that she never would.

———————–

The next time was a month later, and he thought he’d been doing better until he found a stack of old photographs piled at the back of his top desk drawer. They had been collected over the years and though some pre-dated her arrival in the States, she was a prominent feature in most of them.

Though they still hurt, he was finding himself increasingly able to appreciate them for what they were. He found one, near the bottom of the pile, that even had a smile threatening on his lips. A doctor-themed party from a lifetime ago that had to be up there with the more ridiculous ideas of his life.

The picture had been taken not long after Gibbs had left for Mexico and Tony had relented into Abby’s plans for a surprise party for Jimmy’s birthday, still keen to make sure that people didn’t stop seeing him as a friend instead of just a boss. It was him and Ziva, posing, with Jimmy’s drunkenly sleeping head face-down on the table inbetween them.

He remembered everything about that night: how her hand kept brushing his leg under the table, and every time he’d snapped his neck up to look at her but found her looking in a different direction. How they’d shared a cab home and he’d insisted on walking her to her door, in spite of her drunkenly listing a handful of ways she could kill any man who approached her with only the costume on her back. How she’d invited him upstairs and there was no pretence but he’d said no, trying to be diplomatic, though they’d only lasted another week of summer before that had all came tumbling down.

He opened a message again and snapped a photograph, the edge of his fingers visible holding it up to the camera.

“Remember this? Do you still have that picture of me piling stuff on top of him?”

He didn’t get a reply. Then again, he hadn’t really been expecting one.

He flipped the photograph over and placed it back on the pile.

———————–

The next time he sent her a photo, it had been over 9 months since he’d last seen her and she’d been on his mind all day.

It wasn’t unusual for him to get wrapped up in thoughts of her but it had been plaguing him in a way it hadn’t in a while – starting with a dream in the middle of the night that woke him up startled and coursing through his brain all morning. When it wasn’t better by night-time he’d gone for a drink with the team to take his mind off it, and when that hadn’t helped he’d found himself scrolling through old messages and photos and videos that he’d sworn he was going to delete (or at least put on a flash drive, out of sight out of mind).

When he still had that feeling that something was missing, that he was categorically in the wrong place right now, he got out of bed and walked into the living room in search of a cure.

He remembered, later, one photograph he’d never been able to take down. He lifted his head upwards to the top of his DVD shelves and grabbed for the card, bringing it down and sitting on the sofa with it in his hands.

A Paris street. Years ago now. She looked like a 50s movie star, frozen in time, and he could remember how enraptured he’d been as he’d approached her - watching her in her own world, flicking through postcards and wrapping her coat tighter around her.

Him capturing it in a photo had been what alerted her to his presence, but instead of asking him to delete it like he’d expected she’d simply rolled her eyes and told him with a smile that he was late.

He thought so fondly of that weekend even now. They’d both been overcompensating in the dust of everything that had happened, nervous and eager and hurting deep down, and Paris had come along at the perfect moment to show them both that the thing they’d been orbiting around for four years wasn’t lost. Could be stronger, even. And it was.

Before he could change his mind he went to grab his phone and snapped a photo of the image, opened the long-gone conversation thread and ignored his previously unanswered message.

“Weird day - you’ve been on my mind. Hope everything’s good. Open invitation: call if you need me.”

———————–

Almost two years down, he got a social media reminder of something he tried not to think about.

He didn’t have a photograph of the actual day Ziva became an American citizen. In spite of his promises he’d be there, he’d ended up in another country entirely as she swore her loyalty to his.

He’d felt sick even now that he’d missed her ceremony, knowing how much it had meant to her, even if she tried to play it down when he’d told her. He looked at the photograph that had popped up in his notifications, the two of them smiling with her certificate, and ran his hand over it. Her eyes were so bright and he could barely remember her looking so young.

He remembered how proud she’d been. Wondered if she still was, after how it had ended.

He found himself wondering, selfishly, if he still crossed her mind sometimes too.

“Happy anniversary Miss America”

Part of him was worried it would sound spiteful, but hoped she still knew him well enough to see the good meaning behind it. He pressed send and turned off his phone.

———————–

The first time he thought about sending a photo but didn’t, he was holed up in a small Paris apartment wringing his hands.

He’d known he wasn’t going to hear from her often – she’d took great pains to explain that, voice shaking, reminding him over and over that it was for his own safety. But Tali had been asking for her for days and Tony couldn’t stop looking at the photo they’d taken in Cairo, the one he swore he’d destroy soon, where Tali was curled up in Ziva’s lap and Ziva was looking down at her like she’d hung the moon and stars.

It was the same night, as if by magic, that his phone beeped. He scrambled around for it in the dark, heart in his mouth. A  withheld number flashed on screen.

“Checking in. Everything is OK. On my mind tonight and always.”

———————–

The first and last time Ziva sent Tony a photo, he hadn’t been able to sleep all night.

When Ziva had been away he’d been non-negotiable on work trips and conferences. Now she was back he’d considered it a miracle he’d managed to get 18 months out of the way before being offered a spot on a 3 day conference that was taking place in London. Two hours in it became clear that nothing being shared was particularly relevant to his role, and any number of other members of staff could’ve been sent in his place. He knew he had no more right to be at home than any of them, but it made being away that much harder.

It was 3:18am in London and he knew it was even later in Paris but he couldn’t help himself as he flicked his screen on.

“Still awake? x”

“You sound like a teenage boy.”

“Take that as a yes”

The photo she responded with was a simple one from her slightly pixelated front-facing camera on the phone she refused to upgrade. She was sat up in bed, hair tipped over one shoulder. Wearing one of his t-shirts.

“How is it possible you’ve got even more beautiful in my absence?”

“Hush.

We missed you today”

“Never leaving again. Can’t wait to be home.”

“Pizza and movie night. Your pick.”

“Marry me?”

“Maybe the gigantic block on my finger in that photo did not give it away, but unfortunately I am already getting married 3 months from now.”

“That’s too bad. Lucky guy.”

“Yes, he is.”

“(Just so you know, it’s a rock. Not block.)”

“Goodnight, Mr DiNozzo. X”

“Night Mrs DiNozzo”

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Ahem... Hewwo 🥺 I have questions.. 8, 21, 22, 23, 27, 41, 51,

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?

lmao uh, so star wars huh. I did technically start watching the mandalorian in nov 2019, but i only got two episodes in and then i never finished b/c of exams. I read @damerondjarin‘s fic, show me the stars (TUMBLR WON’T LET ME LINK TO IT, I’M SO ANNOYED) in march 2020(?), after i had finished a long day of outlining for criminal law. i had never had the slightest interest in star wars. but  the gif and summary caught my attention so i read it. and i was hooked. after that, i fell into a rabbit hole and i have not found myself out of it. 

But seriously, find that fic and read it. its amazing. also all of taylor’s work generally

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote?

this is really embarrassing. Oof, it was when i was 13? i think? it was uh a kakashi x reader fic. i did not finish. it was so bad. i also still have it. unfortunate. 

22. Is there anything you regret writing?

on this blog? no. in general? no. b/c everything i’ve written had gotten me to this point, and i don’t ever plan on stopping. 

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.

oh god, i’m a really bad judge of what i’ve written. I guess Ceasefire, my one and only javier fic, comes to mind mostly b/c i like the jealousy trope and i’m proud of how i pulled it off (also how easily it came to me). can i say a WIP hahaha. i’m really proud of this obi fic i’m working on that takes place at the end of ROTS, and i’m so excited to share it. 

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading:

oh god i’m not reading any currently - i’ve been really busy with family stuff and now preparing for classes next week, but i’ll link a few i’ve enjoyed recently: 

berry hill (Aaron hotchner x reader) by @winterscaptain: this is part of ‘A Joyful Future’ series which i love - this fic has everything - yearning, bedsharing, fake dating, i love it. and i love how tali crafts such an intricate and loving relationship b/t hotch and reader. I love it so dearly. also reader’s inner dialogue is just A++++. 

Marching far away (Din Djarin x reader) by @writefightandflightclub: this fic broke my heart into pieces. Luna does an amazing job at tearing apart my feelings, but still leaving you with a sense of hope for din. She does such an amazing job at capturing such a complex character in such a terrible situation.

ive right back into you (obi-wan x reader) by @milleniumvalcon: ok this fic had me both laughing and also completely enthralled in obi and reader’s relationship. Val has a really unique voice that both is elegant and colloquial that just pulls you in. just the push and pull of a love/hate relationship is so hard to get right and in this fic it’s done perfectly. 

Curriculum Vitae (Javier Pena x reader) by @tiffdawg: ok i’ve admittedly fallen behind on this series b/c i’ve just been so busy. but god, Tiffany does such an amazing job at crafting Javi and reader’s relationship. It just pulled me from the very start, set in the backdrop of academia, which somehow perfectly suits Javier (who knew?). Every chapter makes you want to read more about these two. I cannot wait to catch up.

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

mistagging really irks me. i hate scrolling through a tag or looking for a gif and only seeing mistagged things gkjsfndn, i’m sorry reid i love you, but i don’t want to see you when i’m looking for a hotch fic or gif MY GOD. 

[ladylynse]

For @zutara-dumpster-hours​ (since I’m assuming this is the relevant blog). Happy birthday, Tali! You wanted to see something in the ATLA role reversal AU with Sokka trying to join the Gaang, so here you go.

Sokka wants to make up for his past actions, to join the Gaang, and Azula is having none of it. 

Also on FF and the AO3.

-|-

“We’re not alone,” Toph said, stopping in her tracks and nearly causing Zuko to bowl into her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Azula said sharply, and Toph pointed a finger at the wall of rock ahead of them. Azula had thought they were safely within the Earth Nation, far from any patrols the Water Tribe might have sent out. They were walking now to give Appa a break from flying, but they weren’t on known trade routes; they were specifically avoiding the paths on any map she’d ever seen. As far as she could tell, they were a day’s walk from the nearest village, but—

“There’s someone in there.”

“Inside the cliff?”

“We’re in the Earth Kingdom. It’s not just a cliff. Someone built rooms inside. I’d guess it’s an old bunker if we weren’t so far from the old front lines.”

“So someone’s home? Whoever built this place?”

“Maybe. Or maybe it’s abandoned and we’re not the only visitors.”

Azula looked at Aang. “We can’t risk the Water Tribe finding you. Zuko can check it out.”

“Hey!”

“Don’t hey me,” Azula shot back. “If they’ve sent that crazy old blood bender after us again, you’re going to need my lightning to neutralize her. Unless you’ve suddenly figured out how to do it?”

“Crazy old blood bender?” Toph repeated. “What happened to you guys?”

“It’s…kinda a long story,” Aang said, the apology in his tone, but Zuko snorted and contradicted him.

“It’s really not. Her name’s Hama, and we think she’s the one who taught Katara to blood bend. It’s exactly what it sounds like. She can turn you into a living puppet. We’re lucky she didn’t kill us all the first time.”

“Uh, guys?” Toph interjected, but Azula wasn’t going to let Zuko leave it at that.

She sniffed. “I wasn’t with Zuko and Aang when she ambushed us, which gave me the opportunity to catch her by surprise, and the old hag is as susceptible to lightning as everyone else.” She turned back to Zuko. “Which is why you need to investigate.”

“Because I’m suddenly the most disposable?”

“Guys!” Toph stamped her foot, and the rock in front of them split. She pointed ahead of them again.

Azula followed her finger, and her heart jumped into her throat. She moved in front of Aang, knew Zuko was doing the same to guard his other flank, and both of them readied themselves to fight.

“It’s okay,” Aang said. “He’s alone. Right, Toph?”

“Right.”

“I’m not here to hurt you,” Sokka said, sounding remarkably put together for someone who’d just fallen through a window that had once been a wall of rock. Azula supposed it said something about his composure, about his upbringing, the way he simply stood up and dusted himself off as if it were nothing, but she hated him for it. And I’m not here to hurt you? Azula nearly sent a lightning bolt at him for daring to presume that they’d fall for a trick like that after everything they’d been through.

“Sure,” she bit out. “Of course you aren’t. Because you’ve never tried to kill or capture us before. That was someone else, like your crazy sister.”

“Katara’s not…. Well, she wasn’t always. But I’m not here to make excuses for her or for me. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, and I want to make up for it.” He hesitated. Another acting job. She kept her anger under control, ready to let it lash out all at once. “I…I came to join you, if you’ll have me.”

“We won’t,” Zuko said flatly before she could open her mouth. “Now how did you find us?”

“Consider it a show of good faith,” Azula snarled when Sokka didn’t immediately volunteer the answer.

“I was guessing,” Sokka started, and she sent a small burst of flame past his shoulder—a warning shot, and it was with some satisfaction that he flinched away.

“Try again,” she ground out.

“Look, I…. I know what you’re doing. I know you’re trying to get in touch with sympathizers in the Earth Kingdom to get enough supplies for the next leg of your journey. I know you’re making your way to the southernmost peninsula before you set off over the water—”

“So that’s where your sister plans to ambush us?”

“Azula,” Aang said quietly, “let him talk.” He glanced at Toph and added, “There still isn’t anyone else around, Toph?”

“Just us. He really did come alone. I think he fell in through the chimney, too.” A grin grew across her face. “Unless you got yourself stuck inside on purpose?”

Sokka’s answering smile was sheepish, and Azula didn’t trust it for a second. “I was rigging something up. I would’ve gotten out soon.”

More likely, he was strategizing and trying to catch them unawares. She still couldn’t believe he’d found them. They’d been so careful not to leave a trail. It’s another reason they weren’t flying everywhere they could, even though they’d be able to cover more ground that way. So what wasn’t he telling them?

Before Azula could say any of this, Aang had stepped forward and was gently nudging her and Zuko to the side. “Why do you want to join us?”

Sokka picked at the wrapping around his left wrist for a few seconds, not meeting their gaze, before finally whispering, “Because I don’t think I’m on the right side of things.”

“Well, you aren’t,” Azula spat.

Aang put a hand on her arm, and she bristled but quieted. “Go on,” he prompted.

“Life was always…hard,” Sokka said, ignoring Azula’s snort and Zuko’s bark of laughter. Instead, he raised his eyes to meet Aang’s. “Katara is strong, the strongest water bender in our tribe to be born for generations, but the expectations placed on us, her especially, are unachievable. She’s never seen to be as good as she needs to be, so she keeps working, and she gets better. You won’t be able to beat her without help. Especially not if you come to fight her on her own turf.”

Azula couldn’t keep quiet anymore. Did he think they were idiots, that their planning was for nothing? She wasn’t about to tell him their plan, of course, but he really didn’t think anything of them if he thought they were going into this without any sort of plan. “Because she’ll just turn us into puppets and kill Aang when he can’t move to defend himself?”

“Katara can only blood bend under the full moon. She’s good, but she still needs to be at her strongest to do that.”

Azula blinked. They hadn’t realized that. Sure, Hama had ambushed them at night, and it had been a full moon then, but they’d assumed she’d struck at night to try to catch them off guard. They’d assumed she’d wanted the moonlight not just for the strength it gave her but for the light it would give her to move around. If she hadn’t had that argument with Zuko, if she’d been in camp with the rest of them….

“I can help you,” insisted Sokka. “Aang, you still need to learn how to water bend, don’t you?”

“You’re a non bender,” Zuko said. “How can you teach water bending?”

Sokka crossed his arms. “I know the forms.”

“Bending is about more than just forms,” Azula snapped. “Not that I’d expect you to know that. It’s about feeling and intention as much as it is form.”

“And I sat through the same classes as Katara when we were younger,” Sokka countered, “and watched more even after it was clear I wasn’t a water bender. I can teach Aang if he’ll have me.”

“You should give him a chance,” Toph said quietly. “You need a water bending teacher, and we can’t afford to be picky.”

“We can’t afford to trust him, either,” grumbled Azula, “after what he’s done to us.”

“I don’t expect you to trust me,” Sokka said. “I’m only asking that you give me a chance to atone. How much do you really know about the Water Tribes? Do you know anything about our strategies? Our weaknesses? You don’t even look like you could make it through our defences. You don’t need to worry about Katara if you can’t make it that far.”

“We’re not telling you what we know,” Zuko said. “How stupid do you think we are? We’re not going to—”

“We don’t need to tell him our plans before we find out everything he has to offer,” Toph interrupted, “but you two don’t need to keep shutting him down before we—or at least Aang—hears him out. This isn’t an ambush. I’d know. He’s alone. And if he found us this time, he could find us again even if we try to leave him behind.”

“I can’t believe you’re going along with this!” Azula exclaimed, throwing up her hands and hoping Toph had half an idea of how much she was glaring at her right now.

“I’d say I can’t believe you’re not letting Aang have a say in this when he’s the Avatar, but you’re you, so that would be a lie.”

“Toph!”

“Toph’s right, Azula,” Aang said. “I need a water bending teacher.”

“Your water bending teacher should actually be a water bender.” Azula saw Sokka flinch at her words, but she didn’t care. So what if that was a sore point for him? It was the truth.

And for a non bender, he was dangerous.

Something Toph and Aang seemed to be forgetting.

That boomerang of his wasn’t just for show. He could use it and use it well, potentially incapacitating a bender who didn’t see his attack. She had never let him get close enough to get into any hand to hand, but she didn’t doubt his combat skills on that front, either. For all she knew, he was as good as Ty Lee, or nearly so.

And trusting him just seemed to be such a phenomenally bad idea.

Aang was too soft, too trusting, and she couldn’t let him make this mistake. She turned her head slightly to find Zuko already looking at her. He gave a slight nod, his lips pressed tight in an expression with which she was painfully familiar. He was ready to fight, just as she was.

They’d have to separate Sokka from that boomerang of his first. She didn’t want to doubt Toph’s skills after what she’d seen her do, but Azula wasn’t going to risk Sokka taking out their earth bender. Aang was pretty good now, but Toph was far better. Azula didn’t plan to sacrifice any of her friends, but the truth of the matter was, she and Zuko were more expendable than Toph. There were two of them, and if they had to, one of them could see Aang through this. He didn’t have to have two fire benders by his side.

She shifted her weight to adjust her form and saw Zuko mirroring her. Sokka noticed but was too late to react. And by the time the cry of protest left Aang’s lips, fire and lighting were already racing towards the relentless hunter who’d dogged their steps for so long.

If he wanted to come along, well, he could do that as their prisoner—their hostage—instead of as their friend.

It might have worked if the earth hadn’t suddenly closed around Sokka, protecting him, while simultaneously swallowing her and Zuko until they were up to their armpits in sand.

“I’m calling a time out,” Toph said as the earth around Sokka shifted, freeing his face but still trapping the rest of him. “Aang, you can let these guys out once you have your answers. I’m going to get some water. See if you can figure this out while I’m gone.”

Struggling got her nowhere. “Toph! This isn’t funny!”

“Neither is frying people we need on principle.” Toph raised one hand in a wave as she walked past. “Have fun.”

“Aang, are you going to get us out of here?”

Aang shifted on his feet. “Um, soon, but maybe, ah, Toph has a point. About talking. And I really do need a water bending teacher.”

“I can’t believe this,” Azula muttered, except that wasn’t true. She could believe it. This was Aang, after all. Even after everything Sokka had done to them, Aang would be willing to give him another chance. That’s just the way he was.

Whether she liked it or not, Sokka was going to be Aang’s water bending teacher. And she and Zuko might not trust Sokka as far as they could throw him, but if he was going to join them, at least she could count on her brother to have her back—and have an extra of eyes on Aang’s, just in case.

(see more fics | part 2)

[tivaholic4]

Dead Weight Revised

Dead Weight. He wasn’t dead weight. He thought that maybe just maybe she would think of him as something better than that. But no, she referred to him as Dead Weight. As they made their way to the plane, he wouldn’t look at her, wouldn’t speak to her. He just wanted to get this over with. But no matter how much she upset or angered him, he wanted to go with her to ensure her safety. No matter what, he was still in love with her and would make sure that she was okay. He sat on the seat opposite of her and wouldn’t look her way.

“Are you okay, Tony?” She asked about an hour into the flight. He nodded his head, still not making eye contact with her. She let him be, seeing as he wanted to be left alone.

He just couldn’t help but feel like shit. This was the woman that he went to the ends of the earth for. The woman he was willing to die for. And she considered him as dead weight. Something that would ultimately get in the way. That hurt him. That she thought that he would get in the way of the mission. When has he ever done that? Whenever it came to missions, he was always serious. He wouldn’t ruin this.

As they landed, he walked off the plane and followed Ziva. They were given a car to a “hotel” if that’s really what you want to call it. When he met Monique he played it off that he was impressed. He did what he does best, he flirted. He could see the glare from Ziva out of the corner of his eye.

Trading Ziva stories made him laugh a real laugh for the first time since they arrived. He didn’t trust this Monique but he wasn’t going to say anything as Ziva looked up to her. He didn’t need her calling him any more names or insulting him anymore.

As they were shot at he had to protect the chaplain, even when he would rather be protecting Ziva. Seeing that she was okay, she looked his way, he nodded that he was fine. On the video call to Gibbs, he voiced his concerns that Monique couldn’t be trusted, which ended with a yell from Ziva. Monique knew about the attack before it happened, yet she didn’t warn them. That leads to mistrust and Tony wasn’t down for that. He didn’t speak to Ziva for the rest of the day.

They found their missing pair and the missing chaplain. It was time to go back home.

Tony still sat opposite from Ziva, still not wanting to be alone with her just yet. He still couldn’t get over the “Dead Weight” comment. Did she really think so little of him? About 4 hours into the flight, she walked over and pulled on his arm, tilting her head, telling him to follow her. ‘Great.’ He thought. She wanted to speak to him. What did she want to tell him now? That if he disrespected Monique again she’ll kill him with a paperclip? This is not what he needed right now. She pulled him behind some crates for more privacy. Once she checked that they were alone, she turned to him, looking him in the eye. “What is going on with you, Tony? You have barely said a word this entire trip unless you were spoken too. Did something happen?” Her tone was soft. He looked her in the eye when he spoke. “Oh, I’m sorry. Have I been a dead weight?” Ziva sighed and looked down at the floor. She knew that was going to come back and bite her in the ass. “Tony,” She started but Tony cut her off. “You know what, no. I’m gonna talk. That hurt Ziva. For you to think of me as dead weight. I have gone around the world for you more than once. I do everything that I can for you and suddenly I’m dead weight." She looked up at him, not saying a word.

“So sorry for ruining the trip, Ziva. But I’ve had a lot on my mind.” He turned to walk away when she grabbed his arm gently and pulled him back to her.

“Please, Tony.” He was looking anywhere but her. After all their time together, he would think she would have more to say.

“Tony, please look at me.” He hesitantly looked at her. It was then that he noticed she had tears in her eyes, one pooling out, running down her cheek. His thumb moved on its own accord and wiped the tear off her cheek. Noticing that she leaned into his touch.

“I am sorry, Tony. I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t want anyone to come with me on this trip.”

“Why? Tell me? What could possibly be so important that you would insult me?

“Tony.” She said softly, making him look at her again. She was beautiful. No matter the tears and her hair sticking in multiple directions in her ponytail.

“I never intended to hurt you with my comment.” Tony huffed, why couldn’t she tell him? Why was this so important to keep inside?

“That’s not good enough for me, Ziva. I don’t know what’s going on inside your head right now, but I can tell you one thing. This isn’t you. I can’t even look at you right now. And quite honestly, I don’t want to talk to you.” he moved to move away again. Ziva grabbed his arm to pull him back again.

“I haven’t seen Monique in a very long time. I could sense that something was wrong on the feed in MTAC. I wanted to talk to her, but if anybody else came, she wouldn’t. She doesn’t trust many, Tony.” Tony didn’t look convinced, giving her a glare as she spoke.

“No. That’s not true. You said it yourself, you’re a terrible liar. I’ve always been able to tell when you lie to me, but I let it slide. Not this time. I want the truth or I’m walking away.” Ziva’s eyes were glistening with tears. She knew he deserved the truth.

“I have spoken a lot to Monique about my life in America. About the people I work with, the people I care about.” She hesitated and looked down at the ground.

“I spoke mostly of you, Tony. How much you care. She has always said that she wished to meet you and I was scared of what would be discussed.” Tony’s eyes narrowed.

“You think I care about what she says of you? I have my own opinion of you Ziva. Have for a while now. Nothing is going to change that. You have changed. What she says about you will not make me run. You’re my partner.” Ziva shook her head.

“You do not understand.” She tried to reason.

“You’re right I don’t understand.”

“Tony, when I met Monique, Tali had just been killed. I was hellbent on revenge and I didn’t care who I hurt along the way. It got to the point where Monique had to step in and stage an intervention. I was ruthless, Tony. I want to bury that part of my life. I am a different person now. I have changed for the better. It is ridiculous. You have every right to be mad with me. I only said it to try to deter you from coming. It was never intended to be hurtful but it was and for that, I am sorry, Tony.”

“Even if you tried everything in your arsenal, Ziva, I still would’ve come. You’re my partner. My best friend. I have your six, Ziva. Always have and I always will.” Ziva nodded, another tear running down her cheek. Tony, again, brought his hand up to her cheek and wiped it off.

“I am sorry, Tony.” Tony nodded.

“I know but...it hurt me, Ziva. I have been thinking for the last couple days that that’s really what I am to you, just Dead Weight.” Ziva brought her hands to both sides of his head, bringing his eyes to look into hers.

“No. You are my partner. Someone that means a great deal to me. I know it was the wrong thing to say and if I could take it back, I would. But I cannot, no matter how much I want to. All I can do is try to make it better and I will try my very best to do just that. I promise, Tony.” Tony smiled, he knew she meant it. He could see it in her eyes. He had always been able to read those beautiful brown doe eyes.

“What hurt the most was that the woman I love said it to me.” He blurted, not meaning to. He bolted up to look at her. He just revealed something that he had kept close for so long. Something that he was scared to let out. Ziva met his eyes, looking at him with an intensity he had never experienced from her before.

“You love me?” Tony smiled, tears now forming in his eyes now. He nodded, he couldn’t bring himself to speak at the moment, afraid of rejection.

“I love you too, Tony.” She smiled, tears running down her face as she spoke. His smile was as wide as it could go. She loved him. Even after all this, his heart fluttered with excitement at the fact that she loved him back.

He moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her. He could see the guilt and the love in her eyes and he just wanted to kiss her senseless. God, what this woman could do to him!

He leaned his head closer, capturing her lips with his. They both closed their eyes and reveled in how good it felt. He gently pushed her against the wall behind them. They were behind the boxes, blocking them from view to everyone else on the plane. He deepened the kiss by mixing his tongue into the mix, making her moan into his mouth. He pulled back and placed kisses along her neck, hearing her whimper in his ear made him pull back and smile. She looked back up and smiled her Mona Lisa smile, almost making him kiss her again. He knew that he would lead somewhere else and he didn’t want their first time to be like this. On a plane in the middle of the ocean, people not even 15 feet away, and behind boxes. She deserved better than that. The gentleman in him wanted to take her on a date first, a real date. No take out, no movie, that all could come later. He wanted to show her how much he loved her, how much he adored her.

They needed to get home. He wanted to start right away.

[gingerstorm101]

Healing

“I got a GPS signal, Headly and Bruins are at Tom’s Junkyard.” Kasie says over the phone hastily. Gibbs thanks her and McGee hangs up the phone as Gibbs speeds up.

“What is the plan Gibbs?” Ziva asks, leaning forward in the middle seat so her head was between the boss and senior field agent.

Gibbs is quiet as he thinks of a plan, it wasn’t until Torres’ “Boss?” comment that he finally says something.

“Bishop and I will go around to the west, McGee and Torres will go around to the east. I trust that if you go by yourself, you can take the south without getting caught?”

Ziva scoffs. “Oh please, you know me better than that.”

McGee is about to say something when his boss cuts him off. “Just don’t get yourself captured Ziver.” No one notices the pain in his eyes, but she knew it was there.

***

“They’re still there.” Kasie says with an update 30 minutes later. The team gathers around the trunk to pull on their bullet proof vests when Ellie notices a problem.

“Gibbs, there’s only four vests in here, one of us is going to be without protection.” Gibbs sighs, handing his vest over to Ziva.

“Here, take it.”

Ziva gives him a questioning look. “No Gibbs, keep it. I have worked without one for years and not been killed. I will be fine. You need it more than I do.”

The team stares at the confrontation between the father and daughter, but they choose not to say anything.

“Please Gibbs.” Ziva asks one last time, pushing the vest into his chest. “I can’t lose you too.”

He gives her a look, one that screams that she better be careful with herself. One that says he can’t lose her again. Neither one loses eye contact with the other, each vowing that they will not die today. And with that, everyone gets ready.

When Gibbs makes the signal, the team leaves the car, drawing their guns, and splitting up.

Ziva ducks down low and makes her way to the back of the yard. She sees the two men they are looking for, along with three other men with them. This was the team that’s been tracking her down ever since she got onto American soil again, trying to out her to her enemies that could decide to go after her. It was time she was going to end them so she could be free. So her value to them would be useless.

Into the earwig, she tells the team, “I count five of them.”

“Expect them to be carrying.” Gibbs’ voice says over the ear piece.

Taking one last look, not spotting any more, she slowly makes her way to the back. She only has to sit with her gun drawn for a moment when she heard Gibbs shout from the other side of the clearing. “NCIS, put your hands up!” On cue, Ziva charges towards the clearing, her gun trained on the largest man of the bunch.

One of the men spots her and starts yelling. “It’s her! She’s here!” Ziva instantly aims her gun at him and the man pulls out his own gun, but before he has a chance to shoot, she double taps his heart. Before the body hits the floor, the four men pull out their guns.

The fire fight starts.

She swerves through the commotion, just missing each of the outsourced surveillance team for the splinter terrorist group. These were the last of the people who could give away her location, who would sell her out to any group in the world. This was it. This was the end of any connection to Sahar, even after months of her being dead. Ziva can finally live her life again.

A shot goes off to her left and she feels sudden burning but ignores it. She turns to where the sound came from, spotting a young man hidden behind some old tires. She aims and gives off one shot, shooting him between the eyes, killing him.

Behind her, a man charges, his hands covered in blood. “ZIVA!” Ellie shouts, firing her gun at the large man. She spins on her heels till her gun was trained on his chest. He continues to charge for her, not slowing with each bullet digging into his back. Shocked that he’s not faltering, she hesitates. It takes her a blink of an eye to bring her back to the moment, with only a meter in front of her, she shoots him in the chest and he finally falls. Only, he lands on top of her. Ziva yells out, dropping her gun beside her, staring into the cold dead eyes of the large henchman.

“ZIVA!” Gibbs yells to her once the gun shots stop. She turns her head, her vision blurring, to see Gibbs and McGee running to her. She pushes the man off her body, grunting as the burning in her stomach intensifies. “Ziva!” He yells again, helping to pull the body off of her. She takes a large gasp of air as she gets free.

Together, the two agents help her to her feet, wavering she leans on McGee for support. “Are you okay?” He asks. She nods, glancing over at the body behind her.

Gibbs cups her cheek, looking down at her bloody clothes. “Is this all his blood?”

She nods again, glancing over at Ellie and Torres, both whom were walking her way with their guns in their holsters. “Yes, Gibbs.” She confirms even though she has a strong sense that she was going to throw up any second now. She gulps down that feeling, placing her hand on her stomach, and winces in pain.

McGee looks down at her when she flinches, watching her hand as she pulls it back. “There can’t be that much fresh blood of his on you.” He says, but she can hardly hear him. He was faint, Gibbs’ face in front of her was becoming harder to see.

She barely makes out the words “I made a mistake” before she falls unconscious into McGee’s arms.

***

She throws herself into a sitting position with a gasp, finally able to breathe again, and thankfully, the burning pain was gone. She looks around her, no longer was she in the clearing at the junkyard, but she was at her childhood bedroom. The same one Tony met her in over six years before.

“Ziva, ahuvati, aren't you going to come out and say hello?”

Ziva’s heart stops at the voice. One she hasn’t heard in nearly two decades. “Ima?” Slowly she lifts herself from the bed and makes her way to the door of her childhood bedroom. She peeks into the living room, her eyes widen at the sight. Before her was her mother, years younger than when she last saw her, kneeling before a three year old Ziva with a bundle in her arms.

The young girl looks down at the tiny white blanket, curiosity in her eyes. “Ima, who is it?”

Her mother laughs softly. “Oh ahuvati, this is Ima’s baby.”

“From Ima’s tummy?”

“Ken ahuvati.” She tells the young one. “Her name is Tali, and she is your baby sister.”

Stepping closer, Ziva watches her younger self play a hand on the baby’s clothed head. “Tali…”

“Can you make me a promise, Ziva?” Rivka asks her daughter.

“Ken Ima.”

“Promise me that you’ll protect your sister, you’ll protect Tali, for as long as you can?”

“Ken Ima,I will protect Tali forever and ever.”

Ziva watches from her bedroom, her heart beating rapidly from her hiding spot.

“Breaks your heart, doesn’t it, sister?”

Ziva reaches from her gun, only to find she doesn’t have it, and turns around to find the last person she was expecting to see. “Tali?” The teenager smiles at her from her bed, her legs crossed up on the covers. “Wha- what are you doing here?”

Her little sister smiles at her, rocking back and forth. “Why I have come to see you, of course!” Ziva looks her sister over, the innocent little girl she was before she died was present on her face. No cuts, no gashes, no lifeless eyes. It was the sister she remembers, the Tali she loves.

“Am… Am I dead?” She gulps, looking over her shoulder to find her mother has disappeared.

Tali doesn’t answer her question, instead she unfolds her legs and walks over to her, her eyes soften. “You grew up, dear Ziva.” Ziva lifts her hand to reach for her face, but hesitates. The young girl takes a step forward, lifting Ziva’s hand with her own, and places it on her cheek. “I’m here.” She whispers. “I’m really here.”

“I miss you, every day.”

She smiles, looking up into her eyes. “I have been watching over you, saw your accomplishments, your angst, your happiness. Your daughter. In which, I got to say, quite honoured to have my name carried on.”

“You do not mind?” She whispers, feeling her throat starting to catch.

Tali places her hand on her sister’s cheek, stroking it. “Not at all.” Ziva presses her head to her sister’s, missing this closeness that the two of them shared, the secrets they never kept from one another. “I have watched Tali her whole life. She is happy with her Abba, but she still misses her Ima.” Suddenly Tali lets out a laugh, shaking her head. “I still cannot believe you are an Ima!” Ziva feels her eyes start to well up. “Last time I saw you, you were getting ready to go on a mission for our own Abba.”

The tear runs down her cheek. “I lost you that day. Our father still wanted to see if I could go undercover. Instead…” Ziva’s eyes harden at the memory. “Instead I went after the people who murdered you. I vowed to avenge your death. As I vow I will protect my daughter.”

“And you have.” Tali whispers, wiping away the tears. “You have protected your daughter from the harms of evil.”

“But I have failed.” Fresh tears well up in Ziva’s eyes. “I have died. I will never see my daughter again.”

‘Ima!’

“No you have not, dear Ziva.”

“Ima!”

“Tali?”

Her sister takes her hand into hers, holding it up to her chest. “Mazal tov laakhoto hayeqarah.”

“Ima!”

“Tali!” Ziva says with a gasp.

The grasp of Tali’s hand on hers, she holds on tight. “Ziva?” Suddenly she’s aware of where she was. No longer was she in her childhood bedroom with her baby sister. But she was in a hospital room. She looks over to the one beside her, staring deep into green eyes. Her mouth moves to say something, but suddenly it’s too dry. “You’re awake.”

Her eyes wide, she watches as he brings her hand to his mouth, kissing her knuckles. Finally, she's able to get a single word out.

“Tony?”

He smiles. “It’s good to see you.” She looks him over, noticing how much he’s aged in the years they’ve been apart. Watching her family from a distance keeps her from noticing small details as such.

She works on wetting her mouth, glancing over to see a glass of water beside him. Without saying a word, he parts a hand from hers and gives it to her, letting her drink it through the straw.

“Tony, what are you doing here?” She whispers weakly.

He touches her cheek with one hand and holds her hand against his cheek with the other. “I guess I couldn’t live without you.” His words echo in her mind, taking her back to that unforgettable day all those years ago. “I didn’t think you were dead. I had that feeling, not to mention the clues. I never saw you, but I never gave up hope.”

Ziva raises her fingers, brushing her fingers against his lips. “Tony, I am sorry. I-I-“

“I should be angry with you. I want to yell at you, ask you how you could keep my own daughter from me. But seeing now, knowing that you have been kept from your own daughter. Our daughter. I couldn’t yell at you for that. We’ve both been kept apart from her, and from each other.”

“Tony…” She feels the tears well up in his eyes. “I am so sorry.”

He opens his mouth to say something when the door opens to the private room. Breaking eye contact, the two look over to the nurse that walks into the room. “Ms. David, it’s good to see you awake dear.” Tony drops her hand on the bed and takes a step back to let the nurse see to his friend.

The nurse closes the curtain and checks all her vitals before pulling her blanket back. Tony takes the queue. “I, I’ll just step out…” He says, pointing to the doorway. Neither one say a thing as he leaves the room.

Still drugged, Ziva watches him leave before her eyes were averted to the nurse as she lifts her gown, only to show the bandage on her stomach where she was shot. “You were very lucky Ms. David, the doctors were able to stitch you up nice and good.”

“I should have been quicker.” Ziva mumbles, looking down at the bloody bandage. The nurse works on placing a fresh one on, cleaning her up. “I could have lost everything today because of it.”

“But you were not alone, Miss. You had someone looking out for you.”

Ziva catches her eye. “I did.”

The nurse leaves a few minutes later and Tony walks in. “I talked to the boss, he agreed to let us talk. A real talk, Ziva.” He walks over and sits at her hip, careful to not pull on the sheets covering her stomach.

“Where is Tali?” Ziva asks after many moments of silence.

Tony smirks. “I was wondering when that question was going to come up. She’s with Palmer and Victoria. Our girls are about the same age, so whenever we come to DC, the girls have a sleepover.” Ziva’s heart swells. “Do you want to see a picture of her?” She opens her mouth to say something, but second guesses herself and closes her mouth and nods.

She didn’t expect him to have the photos open so quickly, she would even suspect that he already had them open, ready to show her.

“Here.” He says softly, holding the phone up to her. Before her eyes was her not-so-little girl. Her throat hitched when she saw her outfit. “I put her into ballet when she was showing interest in dancing.” He let out a short laugh. “She would take me to the piano and just say ‘muziqah’, so I’d just… play whatever song came to mind. Tali would just sing and dance.” He looks down at the picture. “I thought of you, and what you wanted to do before your training… So I did it, I put her in classes.” He turns her head to look at her. “And she loves every minute of it. This photo was taken after her first recital.”

Ziva smiles up at him. “You are a wonderful father, Tony.”

“Half the time I don’t know what I’m doing. I just go with the flow and try not to do what my own father did.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a worn piece of paper that has some dried blood on it. “Gibbs’ pulled this out of your pocket before the ambulance arrived at the scene. I noticed someone in the background.” He gave her the look. “You couldn’t keep away.”

“No I couldn’t. I have thousands of these photos. All of them with you and Tali in the background in Paris.”

“Why didn’t you say ‘hi’?”

“I was being watched… Hunted. I couldn’t put your life into jeopardy. I kept you in the dark, and I didn’t want to hurt Tali’s feeling all over again by leaving. It was hard enough the first time.”

“They are gone now.”

She reaches out for him, taking forearm in her grasp. “Yes they are.”

“And?”

“And I can come home… If you’ll have me?”

He leans forward, placing his hand on her cheek, stroking her lips. She raises her hand from his arm and places it on his chest. He rests his forehead on hers and whispers. “Do you promise you’re done running?” She closes her eyes, raising her hand to his cheek.

“Yes.”

“Then, please, come home with me.”

[expertmakodriver]

30 Day Mass Effect Challenge: Day 5

5. Favorite character?

Surprising (hopefully) not a soul: Garry Vakary himself

(Disclaimer: I’m going to be talking about him in the context of the first two games while disregarding the third. Also, while Femshep technically is my favorite character, I already made a post about her, so I’m making this section about Garrus.)

Strap in, folks, because this is going to be a long post. 

When I first encountered Garrus, I immediately felt a connection to him since he seemed like one of the few people on the Citadel who actually gave a shit about stopping Saren. Despite being a C-Sec officer bound by red tape, he proved that he was a man of action by leaving all of the bureaucracy behind and getting some real work done with Shepard and the Normandy crew. Since turians and humans had a few remnants of tension between them as a result of the Relay 314 Incident/First Contact War, which was still somewhat recent, it was nice to see another turian, besides Nihlus, act civilly towards a human. 

Garrus was so eager to step up and take action against Saren; of course I let him aboard the Normandy. His struggle and Shepard’s struggle with politics are very similar; they both don’t like being told what to do by clueless politicians/higher-ups who try to prevent them from solving problems. This comes into play when Garrus and Shepard begin conversing more and more on the Normandy. I’ve always felt that Garrus’s interactions were a bit more profound than those of any other crew member; they don’t just talk to each other, but exchange opinions and feedback and really try to understand each other. They eventually develop a sort of mentor-protégé relationship to the point where Shepard really has a deep effect on Garrus in terms of his way of viewing the world. I had Shepard lead Garrus down the Renegade path while enforcing a few Paragon ideas (such as being cautious of the thin moral line that any Spectre walks as someone with nearly unlimited power in Citadel space), and I still do to this day.

I’ve always found it funny that Garrus is always super respectful to Shepard despite being a bit of a jerk to pretty much everyone else. Seeing him thank the commander at the end of the game for letting him in on the action and teaching him some valuable lessons was heartwarming, too. It made me kind of sad to think that he would go back to C-Sec after the war with Saren and Soverign was over, especially since he seemed to be so miserable there, but it was nice to know that he would follow Shepard’s lead and train to be a Spectre later on. 

Fast forward to Mass Effect 2, and I was so upset when The Illusive Man said that Garrus had disappeared a few months after the Normandy was destroyed. I kept wondering what had happened to him and if he would ever appear in the game again, but when I took a closer look at Archangel’s dossier and noticed the line “omni-tool expert and noted sniper” on it, I became very suspicious despite not wanting to get my hopes up.

Throughout Archangel’s recruitment mission, I kept worrying. Hearing the mercs talk about how Archangel had been cornered and put through hell for the past few days didn’t sit well with me. I think that was the one point at which I hoped that Archangel wasn’t Garrus, because I didn’t want to imagine Garrus going through all of that on his own. When I saw that Archangel had blue armor, I knew for sure it was him. Taking off his helmet and revealing his identity to Shepard made me so happy that I wasn’t at all bothered by how little I was surprised. I wasn’t entirely relieved, though, because Garrus was still in immediate danger. Seeing him so tired and damaged was rough; he was fairly different from the enthusiastic C-Sec officer that I had brought with me on every mission in the previous game. Even though he was exhausted and didn’t exactly have sufficient energy to physically display his emotion, you could tell just how happy he was to see Shepard alive and kicking. “Yeah I shot at you, Shepard. I wanted to get you moving so you could come get my ass out of here.”

When Shepard was forced to leave his side to close the shutters in the base’s lower level, I was in full panic mode. I didn’t trust Jacob or Miranda enough to leave them alone with him. Then when Garrus was nearly killed by the rocket that blew half of his face off, I literally had to pause the game and calm myself down because of how pissed I was. Of course I was distraught at the sight of his motionless body bleeding out on the ground, but I was also upset with the possibility that the game would give me a surprise reunion with my favorite character just to kill him off so quickly. I was, for the second time, overjoyed when I saw that he was alive a few moments later, but hearing him gasping for breath and choking on his own blood with Shepard, who is almost always composed and level-headed, freaking out while trying to help him was heart-wrenching. 

Then, right after I see Shepard looking very nervous and upset as Jacob explains the extent of Garrus’s injuries to her back on the Normandy, the smug bastard himself walks out of surgery and just casually waltzes up to Shepard like, “It’s only a flesh wound, I’ve had worse” and I literally thanked BioWare out loud for not killing Garrus. Shepard’s look of absolute relief and joy when she saw that he was okay was very touching, as was the fact that Garrus expresses that he’s more worried about Shepard than himself even though he nearly died a few hours ago. Garrus was so eager to fight alongside Shepard again that he put himself right to work at the Main Battery, and that really demonstrated how much trust he had in Shepard and her motives though I wish there was an option to have Shepard tell Garrus to focus on relaxing and getting some rest. Poor guy just went through hell and already wants to bury himself in calibrations. 

While Shepard and Garrus were catching up later on, Shepard was so gentle with Garrus while she asked him about his team and what he had been doing while she was gone, and I could see how broken he was by the death of his team and the betrayal of his former teammate. I felt bad for him. When he asked Shepard to help him find Sidonis a few hours of gameplay later, I knew it was because he wanted the moral support - he wanted Shepard to be there with him while he sought closure with Sidonis (regardless of how he gets it). 

Seeing Shepard and Garrus so synchronized while they tracked down Harkin and obtained information about Sidonis was great. They seem more like partners than mentor and student, and that was exactly what the writers were going for. 

When it came to allowing or preventing Sidonis’s death, I let Garrus shoot him, and I continue to do so during every playthrough. There are three main reasons for this, the first being that I felt that Shepard shouldn’t be involved in the situation as both a separate party and a non-turian. Turians have their own culture and deal with responsibility and leadership a bit differently than humans do; they pride themselves on taking ownership over their choices and putting the safety and interests of the whole before the individual. Sidonis broke both of these cardinal rules. Garrus, as both a turian and the leader of the group who Sidonis had betrayed, felt obligated to serve justice to Sidonis, another turian, and that is inherently something that Shepard cannot fully understand as a human. It wouldn’t feel right to let Shepard deny Garrus the right to deal with Sidonis in the way that he saw fit.

The second reason is that Sidonis was more than just a coward; he had the opportunity to warn Garrus of the trap set by the mercs for his squad, but he didn’t. Garrus says that he learned through some old contacts that Sidonis “booked transport off of Omega just before the attack” and disappeared. He didn’t even try to make things right with Garrus by confronting him afterwards and apologizing. This is why I’m not bothered by Garrus wanting to kill Sidonis. If I felt that Garrus was being too destructive or going too far, I would have had Shepard steer him back in the right direction. He kept himself in check well enough (like when he didn’t kill Harkin). 

And finally, the third reason: If Shepard came back to the Normandy one day and found that everyone - Garrus, Joker, Mordin, Tali, etc - had been slowly and painfully killed by an enemy group because, say, Jacob had been captured and sold Shepard out (and didn’t even try to warn Shepard or stop the attack), you know damn well that most, if not all, players would bring the fury of hell onto him. 

Now for the juicy part: Garrus’s romance. When I was innocently exploring Garrus’s dialogue options after his loyalty mission and stumbled across the “We could ease stress together” line, I lost my freaking mind. The game is going to let Shepard sleep with Garrus? Is this for real? I didn’t immediately realize that “easing tension” would turn into “making love and wordlessly declaring mutual feelings for each other”, so I was a little disappointed at first, but I was willing to take what I could get. Garrus was so flustered by Shepard’s proposition, to the point where he seems like he wasn’t expecting her to be interested in him at all, and seeing badass vigilante, merc leader, and hero of Omega turn into a shy softy around her was cute. 

Through further dialogue, Garrus began to hint that he had feelings for Shepard, and ugh it was so endearing. He made subtle remarks about wanting more than just “blowing off steam” with her without making his feelings obvious, probably because he didn’t want to chase her away with his heart, and when I combined this with the fact that despite these feelings, which he has had for who knows how long now (maybe even the first game?), he isn’t the one to make the first move, I realized that Garrus was probably too afraid of approaching Shepard with any sort of interest that he had in her because he didn’t want to be rejected and/or feared ruining their relationship. That was the final straw for me: I was super attached to his character at this point. The little dork wanted to watch porn to learn how to properly satisfy a human woman and thought that playing shitty club music was a good idea. The nerd. The doofus. I love him.

I’m just going to admit it: the first time I saw his romance scene with Shepard right before the Omega 4 Relay, I went from laughing as he awkwardly played techno music and tried to woo Shep with his bad flirting skills to tearing up as he confessed to her that he wanted their time together to be special and that he wanted to do things right. Notice how this is different from something he said previously about how if their romantic rendezvous goes south due to species incompatibility, fighting the Collectors would be “a welcome distraction” and wouldn’t be a big deal. Oh, no. It would be a big deal. Garrus wants to give Shepard the best final moment of peace he can before they take on the Collector base, and when Shepard shut him up and they touched foreheads (which I suppose is like the turian equivalent of a kiss given that turians don’t have lips to kiss with) I just lost my mind. I cried and I’m not ashamed to say it. It takes a lot to make me cry, since I’m not easily moved, but seeing Garrus and Shepard so happy in such a tender moment was too much for me. My two favorite characters enjoying peace and joy that they deserve. Beautiful. 

The suicide mission - I have all my upgrades, all loyalty missions complete, and I’m still freaking out about who is going to die and who is going to survive. I made the right choices in terms of who I assigned to what, but even with Garrus at Shepard’s side the whole time, I was again in full panic mode. I had like three separate heart attacks thinking that Garrus was about to be killed. I was literally shouting in horror as this happened: 

Everything worked out in the end, though. The whole crew survived, the base was destroyed, and Shepard got to snuggle with Garrus in her cabin afterwards. I was very, very happy.

So yeah, Garrus having such a profound character and being not just a likable badass but also Shepard’s most loyal companion is why I love him so much. Evidently, this is also why he’s one of the most, if not the most, popular characters from Mass Effect. Archangel owns all of our asses.