#but still this is a psa for folks to be more aware when on a road

[fr1day-incredible]

Ahh, the healing power of Pelmeni!

(I scraped up my knee and got no ice in the house so now I'm using a pack of frozen pelmeni)

(I was on an e-scooter on a road with no sidewalk close to where the asphalt of the road ended while it was raining and I was listening to music in headphones while cars were also driving by)

(No shit i almost fell on my face and also scraped my knee and palms)

(Seriously don't be a moron like people)

(but also you got to do what you got to do yk)

[tonydaddingham]

LWA here: I don't take the lockdown video as canon, as it's just too obviously a PSA. I do think there's more to be said about Crowley refusing to hear Chekhov's gun going off in the aftermath of S1, although that may be because I've now back-buttoned out of far too many supposed "fix-fics" in which Aziraphale has to abase himself before his much-abused demon. (Folks, they are equally to blame to the miscommunication pileup at the end! The yin/yang, single-character-split-in-half thing always manifests itself by them simultaneously botching things in their relationship! We are shown and told this explicitly! WTH?!) This is my own sequel to endlessly back-buttoning out of fics for S1.

I guess I'm one of the three or so people on the planet who got to the end of S1 and said, wait, there were two unambiguous betrayals during the course of this season, both related to trust issues, and unless they're discussed and resolved you cannot extrapolate a successful relationship out of this ending. Aziraphale betrays Crowley's faith that their friendship is different by not telling him about the Antichrist; Crowley betrays Aziraphale by manipulating him like /everyone else manipulates him/ by tempting him to kill first Warlock, then Adam. And there was a start to acknowledging the first during the bar scene, but there is no sign in the script that Crowley apologizes, mentions what he did, or even feels badly about it.* Fan attempts to excuse the manipulation usually repeat Crowley's own justification for the act at the park bench, but the script, via Madame Tracy, insists that "you can't kill kids" is a moral absolute. Crowley, and Aziraphale for going along with him, are in the wrong, end-stop. That was just such a massive stickle-burr for me in terms of conceptualizing how Crowley actually sees his own power in relation to Aziraphale's, and this season concretized that they are both suffering from trauma-related superiority complexes that they act out in ways that deny each other agency (Crowley by concealing information from Aziraphale about Heaven & Gabriel, then attempting to demon-handle him back into damsel-in-distress mode; Aziraphale by still being stuck in binary thinking patterns and offering Crowley a redemption plot he doesn't want).

*--I've seen exactly one analysis-in-fic-form that refuses to let Crowley off the hook, "Auguries of Innocence" (https://rainjoyswriting.dreamwidth.org/241857.html#cutid1), written by someone with experience teaching ethics. I think the author makes Crowley much too self-aware about what he did, but her conclusions about why he might be unable to bring himself to apologize are pretty plausible.

sliding this under a cut:

awesome, that's what i was kind of hoping someone would agree with me on (re: lockdown), mainly because from the feeling of the plot in s2 (plus the contextual characterisation already discussed about aziraphale's ability, vs surrender of his will, to protect himself/crowley's compulsion to overprotect), it felt rather extraneous of the canon narrative in retrospect. it felt like a fun, quirky PSA in isolation, but i didnt want to automatically discount it as not having its place in the story either if it indeed had one! so, im glad someone else was thinking what my gut was saying - that it is likely to be the former.

i get that many people are hungry for some kind of comfort following s2's ending (completely understandable), but i can't currently bring myself to read any fanfiction that follows the events of s2 because of this exact reason you've mentioned. frankly, i personally find it a little too uncomfortable that the resolution seen so far - in general terms, there are well-written exceptions - is for aziraphale to metaphorically prostrate and punish himself for the whole breakup, especially when i personally felt pretty much since ten minutes after finishing ep6 that there was more to it than aziraphale seemingly wanting to change crowley "into the angel he wants him to be", and rejecting him when he wouldn't. it's way more nuanced and complex than that. and every time i rewatch that scene, it feels so obvious that they are speaking words that on the surface fit together in terms of dialogue, but they are saying completely different things.

i love a misunderstanding-leads-to-angst trope, it's one of my favourites, and the way the dialogue was written in this scene to have so many interweaving and contradicting layers and meanings was a profound and immersive depiction of this. ultimately my end impression (until a point we get an actual Conversation in s3 that discusses these exact points) of the scene is that:

- aziraphale will always think he should and could do better and be better, even at the risk of sacrificing everything including crowley, and do so with only the greater good in mind... no matter if the greater good doesn't truly exist in the way he hopes or expects it to (and therefore is completely immaterial), and:

- crowley will always continue to keep and bury aziraphale in his own rage and pain, drawing him back in whenever aziraphale shifts to step outside of it, and do so because it's a constancy that has thus far worked in giving him purpose and a sense of being wanted.

there's way more to it than that, but those were the immediate first impressions i got. they may love each other endlessly, beyond understanding, and that's wonderful; but love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship of any kind. there has to be trust, yes, but also mutual respect, support for each others' true wants and needs, and a sense of wholly knowing yourself (even the things you wish you could change, or you dislike) so you know what you are giving to the other person. my perspective on being in a partnership is that your heart is no longer just your own, it becomes the other person's too - if not more - and you have to be someone that can be entrusted with it. neither of the characters give me the impression of having really learnt this yet, and have demonstrated on multiple occasions, including the ones you mentioned, that they haven't.

having a read of what you linked, this is exactly along the lines of why i think crowley doesn't want to recognise, or cant recognise, what he did in tempting aziraphale and manipulating him on the occasions that he did... because what would happen if he did accept it? and opened up the pandora's box that is bringing aziraphale's attention to it? how would aziraphale ever see crowley the same way again? id love to say it was the same lines along which i was thinking when i wrote the below re: saviour complex, but is far more insightful and eloquently put:

and also here, when talking in response to another ask of yours about I Forgive You:

essentially: that if aziraphale were to know why crowley does what he does, did what he did, if aziraphale received an explanation and a genuine apology for it, would crowley only be met with benevolence? or would he be genuinely forgiven in a way that is actually meaningful to him because it comes from aziraphale the person, not the angel? the latter would be too much to bear, i think. the irony however is that in not giving his shortcomings air, taking them out of the locked box he's crafted to hide them, he's occasioning further opportunity for misunderstanding between them.

trauma in whatever form is not a valid excuse to project that trauma onto someone else. it can be empathised with, but not excused. again, as always, at the risk of human-ifying two supernatural beings, it is entirely human to fuck up and do so, it's going to happen - that you hurt someone you love by keeping them in your pain. but it can't keep happening in a never-ending cycle, and has to have a breaking point that all parties actively learn from. this ground, them acknowledging having any feelings for each other, is brand new for them to tread on, but when it comes hand-in-hand with having millennia full of trauma, shame and pain, they also need to tread very carefully.

[always-andromeda]

Today marks eight years since the first time I came out as bisexual. And as part of my personal celebration of this occasion, I’d like to recount some memories and reflections I have from those moments.

If you don’t care to read about all of that, simply take this as an explanation as for why I’m going to be reblogging tons of gay shit today. Thank you for reading this PSA and have a wonderful day, folks. 💛

The first time it hit me that there was something a little bit out of the ordinary with me was when I started developing feelings for my best friend at twelve. At the time, I had no clue what to actually label those feelings. But I could make out the building blocks. For one, I thought she was the prettiest girl in the whole world. Whenever she’d sing to me, I could feel myself falling. And I knew that I would get immensely jealous every time she talked about her boyfriend. So much so that I came up with a fake boyfriend in an attempt to make her jealous too.

This endeavor was an utter failure. And the way I orchestrated the most dramatic DCOM-esque “breakup” with my “boyfriend” (whom I named Graham lmao) really should’ve been foreshadowing my future as a writer.

From there, I was ashamed and embarrassed of my queerness. The only reason why I knew gay people even existed was because I’d stumbled across gay porn. And I’m sure you can imagine how damaging it is when you’re twelve years old and your only concept of queerness comes from lesbian porn made for the enjoyment of straight cis men.

Needless to say…I was confused. And deeply scared. Being raised Christian, I was well aware of the fate that would befall me if I gave into this sin. Every single day for about two years, I woke up and went to sleep knowing that I was alone, unloved, and that I was most certainly going to burn in hell for all eternity. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I don’t remember when I first learned that bisexuality was a thing, but I do remember the day I first came out so vividly. I did it partially because I felt like a liar. I felt like I was deceiving the people that I supposedly loved. And I figured the only way to make that right was to tell the truth. So, I drafted out a long text message that I would eventually send to my three best friends. Over and over again I edited that note, trying to get my words right, hoping and praying that things would go well.

I will never forget the visceral anxiety that flooded my nerves when I finally sent those text messages. To this day, the only time I ever felt a fear that was comparable was a literal life or death experience I went through a few years ago.

My hands shook and all I wanted was to eject the contents of my stomach and sob. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more vulnerable (in the worst way possible) in my entire life.

All three of my friends gave three radically different responses. The first one who was already openly queer told me that they were proud of me, that they loved me, and they accepted me. Unfortunately, it started to go down from there.

My second friend told me that she loved me and cared for me, but that ultimately, she was a Catholic and could never approve of my “lifestyle.” I still find it silly how in the years of friendship that followed this exchange, she wouldn’t hesitate to utilize queer vernacular and turned every queer kid she met into her little pet gay.

Finally, my third friend’s reaction was what broke my heart the most. This girl was my best friend. But she was also a massive Christian and incredibly ignorant and unsympathetic. Her first reaction was that I better not start flirting with her. Right afterwards came the disapproval. I got the classic “love the sinner, hate the sin” lecture.

And as a girl who was still trying to be a Christian, I accepted that. I came away from the whole thing knowing that something in me was deeply, deeply broken. And that not even the fact that I was also attracted to men could “fix” that brokenness. I simply had to accept that for some reason, God just decided I was cursed.

Despite this, my friends thought it was very funny to make my queerness the punchline. I was “jokingly” called slurs, was sexualized by my straight male friends, and forced to come out to the homophobes at my school by my straight female friends. Because I guess putting a target on your best friend’s back is hilarious.

For years I put up with that bullshit because I truly believed I didn’t deserve any better than that. I thought the only way I could hope to gain acceptance was if I, in turn, accepted the abuse. At the time, it seemed like a fair trade.

Now, eight years later, I know better. I’ve concluded that if there is a God, they probably are well aware that I’m just trying my best. I like to think that this God would want me to embrace all the beauty they instilled in me. And I try not to hold too much bitterness for the people who hurt me back then. I try to focus on how grateful I am now that the majority of my friends are also queer and that the ones who aren’t are still staunch allies who are always willing to open their minds up to new ideas.

I’m immensely lucky to still be here. Because there are so many who came before me who aren’t here. And that’s why it feels vital for me to share my experiences. Without this openness, I think it becomes so much easier for us to believe that we are alone and hopeless when that is very much not the case. I am not the first person to feel this kind of pain, nor will I be the last. But the only way that we can have a shot at eradicating that fear is by talking about it; by never letting our voices go quiet. On top of this, I feel it is vital for me to remind all of my queer followers that we’re all just trying our best.

Let me restate it loud and clear: There is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t cursed. You aren’t a pet. You aren’t a punchline. You are a human fucking being who is just as deserving of love and respect and community as anyone else. And as much as this world may try to erase us from existence, we will survive. We will insist upon our existence because it is sacred. I promise you, friend. Your existence is sacred. Please, never forget that.

Love always, Andromeda 💛

[unnecessarycraziness]

Hey so a woman just died in my area after falling into our local creek, so I think I should maybe make a PSA about water safety! Do be aware though that I am not an expert on the matter - although I’ve studied various disasters and accidents, many of which are relevant to this, and am basing much of my information here on outside sources, some of this comes from my own experience and local wisdom, which may be incorrect or misinterpreted. I’m only trying to spread awareness, and if any of my information is incorrect please don’t hesitate to correct me.

Be careful around water, folks, especially moving water. Even if a creek looks small and relatively tame, the current can still be a huge threat (consider, for instance, the Bolton Strid in England); this tends to be worse during rainy periods or, in snowy areas, springtime when the snow is melting, but the hazard doesn’t necessarily go away at other times. Don’t go into water if you’re not sure it’s safe, and on a similar note be careful not to fall in. The banks of rivers and streams can be unstable and might collapse or simply be deceptively steep, and of course it’s possible to just slip or fall while walking nearby (I imagine this is probably what happened to the victim in my area, but I don’t have the full details so that’s more of an educated guess).

Also, immersion in water puts you at risk for hypothermia, even if it’s not especially cold. I live in a mountainous area and the creek comes straight down from the mountains, so it’s extremely cold, meaning there’s an added risk for something called cold shock - a set of involuntary responses to sudden immersion in cold water, including gasping, hyperventilation, and even heart problems - if you fall in unprepared. However, even relatively warm water can lead to hypothermia fairly quickly, as water drains your body heat far faster than air. The best example I can think of is the sinking of the Lusitania, in which many victims died of hypothermia in water that was around 50 degrees Fahrenheit or about 10 degrees Celsius - this temperature is by no means warm, but it’s not something that would immediately make most people think of hypothermia as a cause of death. Due to the aforementioned tendency of water to sap a person’s body heat, even water that might not be considered “cold” can have dangerous consequences, as seen with many of the Lusitania victims as well as those involved in countless other tragedies. Hell, I remember spending hours in some friends’ swimming pool when I was younger, only to get out for a bathroom break and find that my lips had turned blue from the cold despite it being a controlled environment in very hot weather!

Less related to this specific local case, storms are also a major hazard. Storms can and do cause flash flooding, which is extremely dangerous; even if water looks shallow, it can still be deadly, as only 6 inches (15 centimeters) of fast-moving flood water can be enough to knock over an adult, and 12 inches (one foot; 30 centimeters) can carry away cars. A large portion of drowning deaths in the United States occur because people attempt to walk or drive through flooded areas and are swept away. Flash floods are commonly caused by storms or dam failures, and dry or rocky areas can be especially susceptible (for instance, we get them fairly often in my area due to the steep, rocky mountains and dry desert valley). Most flash flood deaths occur because people underestimate the strength and speed of the water; canyons, ravines, and washes can also be hazardous during storms.

So, in summary:

Stay away from fast-moving water, even if it’s just a small creek or stream, unless you’re absolutely sure it’s safe.

Excercise particular caution during rainy seasons and, in snowy areas, warmer conditions that allow for large amounts of snowmelt.

Immersion in water can lead to hypothermia, even if it’s not excessively cold. Be aware of this fact, and of the possibility of cold shock.

Do not attempt to traverse flooded areas, even in a car or truck.

Don’t ignore warnings (both about water and in general).

If it starts to rain while you’re walking or hiking in a canyon, seek higher ground. Personally, I’d take nearby thunder as a warning sign as well, but do exercise caution when traversing high-up areas during a thunderstorm.

Always check the weather forecast before you go out into the wilderness.

Don’t camp or shelter in ditches, canyons, or washes during stormy conditions. This also includes sheltering from tornadoes; as a child growing up in Arkansas I was always warned not to take shelter in a ditch due to the risk of flash floods, although admittedly I’d rather hide in a dry ditch than get torn up by shrapnel.

If someone falls into dangerous water, don’t go after them unless you’re properly trained and equipped (i.e. trained rescue personnel with safety gear and backup). Call emergency services instead - you don’t want to get in the way of rescuers or, worse, become another casualty.

Again, please be careful around water. It’s a legitimate hazard and often gets underestimated. A good way to visualize how powerful water can be is this (admittedly humorous) video of a construction vehicle dumping a bucket of water on a car, destroying it. Stay safe out there, folks!

[sjweminem]

call this a PSA or a call for similar experiences or whatever but. i have to walk with a cane, down the street or just around the house, which seems paradoxical given that i go on those 10-14 mile walks. but for every day i'm physically capable of doing such a thing i've probably got an equal or greater amount wherein i literally cannot walk without assistance or physical aid or, on my worst days (when i can't keep down a bite of food either), someone holding me up so fully they're basically carrying me from one room to another, 5 feet away in my own home.

the truth is unaided i could fall and (re)dislocate something or break my nose or give myself a concussion etc etc so i need a cane to stay upright. my vision is extra impaired during these episodes so it also keeps me aware of terrain. and that's just ONE thing!!!!! you also don't see my huge knee stabilizers often either!! some of my other equally impairing (and PLENTIFUL) conditions can't ever be seen, and even certain "visible" disabilities aren't necessarily visible 24/7.

i still fight that internal voice ALL the time that, because it isn't continuously visibly obvious, that i'm just looking for an easy out in life, that i should be way more Successful than i am and simply don't apply myself enough, that my life and i are a fucking joke. i KNOW i've just internalized this ideology over nearly 30 years but it still feels correct whereas my counter-arguments are wrong!!!!!!! plus i know i don't owe anybody "proof"!!!!!! and YET..

regardless just. please keep in mind that Seeing and Proving; Visibility and Truth, have no inherent relationship. this goes doubly for disabled folks fighting that same internal war -____-

[noa-nightingale]

Queer Watcher 2020

I am looking back on this weird, not-so-wonderful year - and on the ways @wearewatcher made my 2020 so much more wonderful. Originally, I wanted to list all the highlights I could think of, but one of the things I am most grateful for is Watcher’s inclusion and support of LGBTQ+ folks. I am just one queer person but I know there are many more in this fandom.

So, this ended up being a list of things I, as a queer person, appreciate and enjoy, and I am so so happy that I can write this. Buckle up, I have Things to say, and it is going to be emotional.

Ryan’s Pride shoes. I sometimes wonder how many sales Converse owes him. I love my own pair btw.

“Look, all I’m sayin’ is, y’know, hey, uh, love everybody.” - Shane Madej, Gangly Puppet Freak. A PSA from the Weird/Wonderful Shakespeare Theatre vid, regarding bisexuality - he is so awkward with it lmao. Whole video has really great vibes too.

Steve/Stephanos.

Various tweets, including wishing us a happy Non-Binary People’s Day and a happy Trans Awareness week.

Ryan and Shane including their pronouns in their twitter bio. (Little things like this don’t go unnoticed, and they are very appreciated.)

Gay Oars! Ugh, my heart. Their first appearance totally caught me off guard, and I haven’t recovered since. (I also causes me no small amount of joy that the most romantic and tragic song of all time is called “Gore on the Shore”.) I could yell about my love for these guys all day. It is a beautiful thing that these characters exist.

Gay Oars, again - I knew they would show up and I still was not prepared. The song made me cry. I haven’t recovered from that one either. I love the progression from the first, tragic song to the second, joyful and loving song. I have so many emotions about these oars, I probably could make an entire list just for them. (Little fun fact: Even though the song made me cry, my first reaction to that episode was to go on tumblr and yell about it excitedly. Like, I was emotional but in an enthusiastic kind of way. The more difficult emotions hit me about four days later, for some reason. And then I sat in my room and cried my eyes out. Like, as much as I like being queer, sometimes it is just damn hard and the pain seems too much and you have been hurt over and over and don’t know if you can ever recover from it. And it is just really good to know that someone cares about your wellbeing as a queer person. Even if you have never spoken to that someone and he does not even know of your existence. And to be honest, I don’t always know how to deal with that. The kindness? The genuine allyship? I have no idea how to handle that, and it simultaneously heals and breaks my heart.)

Every time the words “his boyfriend” were uttered; I am especially thinking of Are You Scared here.

All the fan art Watcher inspired and continues to encourage and to support. There are many great artists in the fandom! And Watcher’s content inspires me to draw and create more myself! How wonderful!

Toxic masculinity who? It is nowhere to be found.

This... special kind of gentle and kind weirdness? It honestly had such a positive impact on me and the way I interact with other people and let them interact with me.

All of the wonderful people Watcher brought in. I am sure they will work with more amazing folks and I am really looking forward to that. Personally, I am hoping to see Eugene Lee Yang at some point. (Would be really happy to see Thomas Sanders too.)

Here’s What You Do. Just the whole podcast. It was such a delight.

I was hesitant to include this because I believe many of us have negative memories attached to it, and it was not a fun time for anyone (including the lovely people at Watcher themselves). But, yes, I am mentioning it: That one HWYD episode and the follow-up. I can only speak for myself, but the follow-up has an incredibly special place in my heart. To me, it is one of the most important videos Watcher has created. I watched it several times, I journaled about it extensively and it made me a better ally. Hell, I even showed it to my mother and one of my siblings (like, the entire video). I know it was a difficult thing to talk about but at this point: A HUGE thank you to Steven, Ryan, Katie and Shane for handling this in an absolutely fantastic way. I feel welcome and seen and appreciated, and in the end all I want is this: For people to genuinely give a shit about me as a queer person.

On a more lighthearted note, I enjoy it way too much that Ryan is able to say “LGBTQ” without stumbling over the letters. It seems like such a tiny thing but it brings me an unholy amount of joy.

The Professor. I don’t want to call him LGBTQ+ because that has not been confirmed as canon but he IS comfortable wearing clothes that are typically seen as “women’s clothing”, and as a trans/non-binary person I am kind of obligated to mention it.

I think I had an out of body experience when Ryan said “Oh thank you baby” to Steven in Too Many Spirits. Then I had to pause the episode to finish laughing. And then they brought it back in the next episode. Bless them.

Every time they/them pronouns were said.

The entire Hatshepsut PH episode. What can I say, I like it when gender norms/expectations/roles are broken. And even if we can’t call Hatshepsut trans by today’s standards, declaring yourself another gender has such power.

Without giving too many details: I had my struggles and problems in the past with Christianity and ~certain~ Christian people, and it is really good (and I mean REALLY good) to see someone whose faith and integrity are so interwoven and who is inspired by his faith to do good things and to do right by people. I obviously only know the things about his belief that Steven decides to put on the internet but what I’ve seen is almost healing to me, in a way. I am very grateful and happy that he is willing to educate others and to keep working on himself. Warms my heart.

The certainty with which these beautiful people call themselves allies.

Just... the general kindness and compassion, and the willingness to listen and to grow. I promise you, we notice and we love you for it.

I could have expanded on all of these points but I tried to keep this short.

And look. I don’t want to put anyone on a pedestal; that would not be fair. I am just immensely grateful for kind people who genuinely care and who genuinely try to do right by others and to bring joy to others.

And I know we like to have fun here but Watcher’s content is just a lot more than entertaining, meme-able fun (although it is that too, of course).

I had a blast with it this year and I am very much looking forward to the next year. I feel like I can’t adequately put into words the myriad of little (and not so little) ways these people have made my life better this year. Thank you from the bottom of my aroace, non-binary heart.

[selfish-thunder]

I’m a trans man with many niblings (children of siblings).

Coming out to them was a process involving their parents and other family members. My fave response was Lou, a six year old with down syndrome.

The initial response when told was to interrupt the explanation with, “Okay. Chocolate now?” When we revisited the topic, thinking they needed further explanation/didn’t understand, they interrupted again with, “I /know/! Shrek now!” pointing to the tv wanting Shrek. If they understood, at that point, was a toss up.

Turns out this six year old with down syndrome understood WAY better than most adults do.

The transition of my name was adorable. I went from being called Aunt (deadname)/Aunt Bebe/Bebe to Uncle Bebe, Uncle (deadname), Dede, Aunt Dede, Aunt Dean, then finally to Uncle Dean/Dean. The entire process took around a month, and the switch among the names was sporadic. They needed very little correction and mostly self-corrected unprompted. (Albeit, most self-correction was just to another incorrect variation, but if it had either “Dede” or “Uncle” in it, they were satisficed. As was I.)

As far as pronouns, at this stage in their development, they still rarely use pronouns outside school work. However, when they do in regards to me? Always correct, unapologetically and unblinking.

My medical transition (no, you do not have to medically transition to be trans - TERFS FUCK OFF) is slow due to circumstances and health. But regardless, Lou is my biggest and most patient supporter and the most accepting person in my life, all without understanding why that even matters.

Someone uses my deadname? “Who? Hellooooo. Dean!”

Someone uses she/her? “Boys are he’s!”

Stranger calls me ma’am? “No! Uncle Sir!” or “Hellooooo, that Uncle Sir.”

Stranger uses she/her? “Noooo.” *laughs and does hands toward me* “Boys are he, duuuuuuh.”

When I was upset my surgery was cancelled because covid? “Come ooooon. ‘Rona (corona) learn. Dean boy. You see.”

An ignorant rude-ass not even wearing a mask: *looking me up and down* “Wait, you’re trying to be man? You don’t even--”?

Lou: *interrupting him and leaning almost out of my grasp as I hold them to point their finger directly in his face* “No. Stop it.”

You now know, folks. A child under ten with down syndrome can understand being transgender and defend it significantly better than a lot of adults. I’ll be posting all this week. 

Happy Transgender Awareness Week! Or, as Lou calls it, “Aware: People!” Week.

(Nibling name is nickname; they/them/their pronouns of my nibling(s) is to reserve privacy rather than to convey gender. Moreover, PSA: they/them/their pronouns that do accurately convey someone’s gender identity are 100000000000000000000000% valid. Nonbinary, intersex, gender fluid, gender nonconformed, gender queer, and every not-cis genders [and cis if you’re cool] are welcomed, respected, and accepted here. Happy Trans Week to you as well.) 

Tagging friends, blogs, mutuals, and mutually friendly blogs in hope of circulation! Yes, I do take constructive criticism, just please be kind.

@durzarya @hey-pretty-mama-its-johnny-bravo @that-twink-over-there @spaceyspades @chaptersandcoffee @chucktingleofficial @ilragazzoneilibri @dr-gloom @iwilltrytobereasonable @aedwritesfic @rododuille @till-all-are-one @andeverydayistay @thewaywardgryffindor @laughconfetti @i-am-a-fish @i-am-and-proud @punk-crowley ...* deep breath* I will add more later.

[the-mercurial-star-o-vesper]

ITS EYE AGAINST I

... And me against You. Hello random people of the internet, and the select RvB audience I’m intending to talk to. Time for millions to ignore my existence, while a select few look at my fancy garbage. Now, with no sense of decorum, or tact... I present to you. That Red vs Blue seasons 15 through 17 are continuity breaking and noncanon. To be honest, I’m not overly fond of the over all plotlines and more than a few handfuls of episodes were just... dull. And that’s saying something for a series I’ve been attached to for the last decade. That isn’t to say there weren’t parts I didn’t like. There were plenty of things that were just fantastic and launched perfectly. But let’s get to the whys and hows. Let’s set out the point system: First point. The Blues and Reds, our blue visor assmonkeys... were unnecessarily stupid. They were a copypasta team, with a poor excuse to be there, that not only doesn’t fit what is already established but breaks continuity by being there. If we were to take the rest of the 15-17 series, it’d be easier to make them into alternative universe counter parts or what-ifs, from different timelines caused by the series later use of Time travel. Rather than this blessed mess. They spit in the face of Agent Florida’s workhistory. And while you can see where the idea came from, the execution and establishment was lacking. The very fact that it includes Doc already tells you that we’re not with Agent Kansas anymore, and that it utterly destroyed Doc’s history prior to coming to Blood Gulch. Second Point. The Time Travel. [frustrated exhausted ugh-ing] The best I can say is that the series analysis of Time Travel was fantastic. It acknowledged that the inclusion of Time Travel is meant to break continuity and reshape it. The difference here, is that it only broke continuity. In fact it shattered it so badly that we’d have to ask the Homestuck Fandom to pick the remaining pieces back up, and classpect it for good measure. The fact that Human History was so severely fusterclucked by our Teams already shows you how much respect Continuity got in these last seasons, as well as how much respect to Canon. And then there were the “Gods”. Just... Introducing someone for the funny designs and the fantastic graphic and digital movements is nice, but it doesn’t do anything. See every pitfall CGI and 3D ran into for the last few decades. See, RvB is meant to run along side Halo without destroying one another in an “Upstoppable Force meets Immovable Object” sort of way. And if nothing else, its already established that RvB also has ties to Marathon too (which, while muddled up, still works). And while plenty of the shenanigans were fantastic (Loved that Cyclops scene), the reason they got there was Weak, and it just utterly detonates itself like Church and his stomach bomb... Surrounded by people you hate, and being hunted down by the world’s worst player at a knock-knock jokes. The Third Point I despise Jax. ... I kid, that isn’t the third point. But I still don’t like the Jax. His growth into a terrible director was funny, but it doesn’t really save him or his purpose in the series. I digress. Its what I dub the “Super Hero Ex Machina”. In a “Super Hero Ex Machina” situation, reality crashes in, breaks both Narrative flow and rules, for drama. And example is with Spiderman and his web shooting. In his narrative, he can save someone easily from falling with his web shot. But if the Drama Machina Maker is introduced, then the reality of the situation crashes down as the force of the fall would completely shatter the victim’s skeleton if Spiderman caught them. As this is not already established as happening before, its only there to cause drama and not meant for any serious development or character arc. Or if a show adheres to keeping the status quo at all costs. Things that would realistically and permanently mess up the status quo are solved in 1 or 2 episodes. But if Reality crashes because Plot said so, it breaks the established rules of the Narrative (and pacing). Especially if said plotpoint could have already been solved in prior episodes easily. And that’s what they pulled on Agent Washington and his throat injury. Washington is an established survivor. He has survived some pretty messed up stuff, both mentally and physically, and he’s come so far as a character. To a point where he’s almost unrecognizable from when he was first established as the “Noir Detective Soldier Mercenary Man who plays by corrupt rules but still shines that hurting heart of gold once in a while”. Some of the stuff he’s had to survive, and potentially had to survive would’ve killed normal people. Even his writers had to take a step back and say, “No he can’t survive getting cut in half by a car”. RvB is good about changing status quo, and keeping to a rule of “actions have consequences” in order to both forward character and story. So it isn’t like they’re above permanently messing someone up (... Church.) But there are Rules on how its Handled. Story will establish and evolve said rules over time, this is true, but its a “more things change, more they stay the same” situation. And Washington’s injury... breaks that. For easy reason; For one thing, we already have a Freelancer with throat injuries, and he got them in a far worse scenario. Agent Maine was bloody machine gunned in the throat, then tossed off a freeway stories up from a ground we never even saw. And all he got was a messed up voice. There isn’t a good reason to give Wash that injury, realistic as it may be, besides playing it for Drama. And while such a circumstance should be given both the realism and seriousness it deserves, this only works if, you know, don’t play it to make a person or people suffer for Drama. Does this forward Character? No. No it doesn’t. The seasons retreat everyone’s character arcs. What little it does show is how far everyone has come... By making them take 20 steps back, and 5 steps forward. An ultimately useless gesture that neither show cases the human condition of “repeat until you finally get the lesson” or “sometimes shit happens”. Does it move the story? Only for drama. Which is a very weak reason. Even worse, as the series has already established that it can think deeply and use drama as a tool and not a plot point. If not for character or story, is it meant to be a metaphor? Metaphor for what. RvB doesn’t do metaphors. If not metaphor, is it supposed to be informative of the condition itself? RvB has bloody PSAs. No. A story is decent enough if it can mix those questions up without one consuming the other. But there wasn’t a point to do it. Just to see Wash or Carolina or the guys to suffer? To show that sometimes people get injuries they don’t bounce back from? Are you Kidding? We just permanently lost Church, and they set out to find the possibility of his existence again! That right there already Tells you that sometimes folks don’t Bounce Back. There was an entire Arc for Caboose, fer the gods’ sake, talking about it. CABOOSE. What the flyin Fu-- Ahem. There was already a ruling about Actions have Consequences. It was apart of the status quo that went as far back as the Blood Gulch Chronicles. Its filed under “The More things change, the more they stay the same”, and even throughout the Reconstruction series, there were plenty of characters pulling permanently changing stunts that affected them through the rest of their lives, or caused their death for it. [deep breath, lets it out] So. Inspite of my many problems with S15-17, there are things I adored about it. - Donut and Caboose’s arcs. Fantastically done. Caboose getting to the understanding he got in S14 about losing friends was heart breaking and beautiful. Donut’s may seem like retread and flanderization, but that is actually easily explained. When you’re under sufficient stress, your coping mechanisms will boost out from 10 to 100, and just because you’re now fully aware of it doesn’t mean you have the power or development yet to stop. It was a fantastic look into his character. - Sister. They made her into more than just a gimick and Grif’s Sister, which was a problem I had with her in Blood Gulch. Good patch up there. - The Background info and the details in Background Info with our main characters. Ye Gods, we got some backstory! The humor works, the seriousness works, its a beautiful set of puzzle pieces that fit snuggly into both canon and continuity. - Chrovos. Inspite of the time travel plot pitfalls, I actually really liked Chrovos. Wish they did more with them (Him? Her? I don’t remember if they established their pronouns). Did not like Jenkins, inspite of him being created out of a cut character. The Gods didn’t work very much either, and would’ve been better suited as characters that weren’t “gods”. It doesn’t help that they just... had inconsistant rules. - The Freelancers. I love the introduction to the Freelancers and all their nice armor designs. Too bad they’re all feckin’ dead. - Temple. I actually really liked Temple and the idea behind him. However, instead of the malakey we got, and the Time Travel Nonsense that could be theorized afterwards. It would’ve worked better if he had been the leader of a Cult of Personality or sorts, purposely and badly mimicking the hype of the RvB teams’ fame and gathering surviving former stim troopers. The terrorist thing could work, and so could the Church plot. Everything else was stupid. Remove the Time Travel, this isn’t Homestuck Hour. Thanks for you for your continued reading. ... oh Right, I forgot. As awesome as it was to see Locus again, the uselessness of Wash’s throat injury and how he was reintroduced makes him more into a Deus ex Machina (and not that Halo 3 Machinima from way back). Its like fitting a circle peg into a square hole... But getting it stuck halfway and ruining the children’s puzzle toy. ADDENDUM (edited) I hate Hate HATED how Vic parodied Church’s epilogue speech, and I just about wish Church would come back just to beat the shiznet out of him for it.

[bastardsunlight]

//Howdy folks! How’s your dashboard treatin’ ya today? I just wanted to lay a couple of things out for anyone who might be wonderin’ what I’m about.  

[[MORE]]

If we’re mutuals, I trust that you’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a pretty straight up person—you know, fairly honest, open, and maybe even a wee bit pleasant to interact with/see on your dashboard. In general, I do me best to keep as much negativity as possible OFF ye olde dashboard of this blog. I have been pretty transparent about the sideblogs I keep, @reasonable-assholery is the rant blog so I don’t spew vitriol unnecessarily upon aforementioned dash, @puttingfingerstokeys is my throwaway writing blog for ficlets and ideas (99% Mortal Kombat right now; you’ve been warned), and @thunderdilf which is a great URL and I really kind of just wanted but it has also accidentally turned into a Mortal Kombat/Raiden(Rayden mostly lbr) shitposting blog for my enjoyment (and yours, if you’re into that).

This is the ONLY blog I own. Those are side blogs, yes, but THIS, bastardsunlight is my ONLY blog. I used to have a few RP blogs (no more than five at one time iirc, but the PURGE helped me pare shit down—idk HOW this one dodged that nonsense but I’m grateful that it did). As far as I am aware, none of those blogs are even active anymore. If they are, I do not have the login info which ofc is why they’re still around. E.g. I haven’t been ABLE to delete them. Hopefully tumblr has cleaned that shit up if it does exist.

I also do not LIVE on tumblr. I’ve been more active lately, ayuh, but I’m like… employed and shit. I got stuff to do. I click well with people who are similar. I’m only peripherally aware of fandom drama and shit like that and I really only see it when it crosses me dash via one of the few buddies I retain/have gained from/since the olden days. Ye olden days. I digress… My point is this:

If you hear salacious rumors about me, I encourage you, my sweet followers, to look into it yourself. Scroll my whole-ass blog! I don’t really eve have a TBD tag so if it’s there, it’s always been there and I ain’t getting rid of it ‘cause I’m queen “I SAID WHAT I SAID”. You could also question me directly, or ask one of my friends. ANY one of my mutual buddies will speak to you about me. If they’re not a mutual, we ain’t friends, so there’s no point in taking the word of someone who isn’t a mutual, see? So yeah, maybe that IS a bit biased, but why WOULDN’T I surround meself with friends? I don’t like toadies, sycophants, lackeys, or anyone who’d support a mob mentality type situation if I decided to go postal on someone for disagreeing with me. I want someone who will sit my ass down and say “yo Stiles you’re acting like a psycho; stop letting whomever-it-is live in ya head rent free; that shit is NOT healthy”.

Be wary of people who come NOT bearing screenshots (be wary of those who do and LEAD with that ‘cause man ain’t nobody telling MY ass with whom to interact?? Fo REAL?). Follow your gut. Protect yourself. And should you decide that yes, the mun of bastardsunlight is problematique (recall I have never claimed to be otherwise and I wear that particular mantle with pride), please, I ENCOURAGE you to block me. I implore you to, again, protect yourself, curate your online experience. I make no secret of what happens on this blog. It’s in my rules and FAQ, might even be a PSA post (tagged accordingly). I’ll even tell you if you inbox me! I am not hiding SHIT. I’m here to have a good time with what little freedom I have between work and my other responsibilities. If you are too, we’ll get along just fine.

[the-blackest-spider]

PSA

First of all I want to again, express gratitude that one or more persons have taken such an avid interest in stuff that goes on with my muse. I rarely get attention that much, which doesn’t bother me (not why I’m here yo), but it’s very nice all the same.

Now, let me make this very clear.

Patience is a virtue. Please have some because I very much do. Especially with people who write with me. Life happens, and I will always respect that. I also respect muses being more into other threads/plots etc, and muns following that. I do the same sometimes, it’s how this stuff works.

Also, plots for me do not have to be written linearly especially when I and others are aware of an outcome of a situation. Just because something hasn’t been written yet or is still on-going doesn’t mean the aftermath cannot be touched. This way there’s no pressure on anything or anyone, because that’s one of the last things I want to do, put pressure on anyone. Also sometimes you or a writing partner just aren’t feeling a thing or don’t want to write it out, but still want to address the situation as though it happened and that’s fine. Not everything has to be written out, it can be explained another time, flashbacks are great for that or just mentions in other threads.

Also there’s all the before a situation to be explored too, you don’t just have to draw a straight line from point A to B and so on. Jump to point K, or go back to Point D. Start in the middle. Go all the way to the very end and write that first and write the beginning later. It doesn’t matter, or at least to me it doesn’t I’m just happy to be writing with folks.

Role Play does not necessarily work within the same parameters as other forms of fiction. It doesn’t have to, nor does it need to. It works how you and whomever you’re writing with wants to work it and what you and they want to explore or don’t want to explore. Also ideas can change and muses are going to do their thing, and it’s an interesting challenge to figure out well how do we work that into things even though xyz has happened? Or do we make a separate universe for that from this deal we’ve already got established?

But back to what this is about mostly.

I deleted that ask. I’m answering it, yes, but in a general sense of everyone I write with because I’m an adult like that and understanding of people’s situations and so forth.

Let me make this next point also very clear.

Do not come into my ask again asking why someone or someones haven’t replied to me yet. Do it again? I will block you for it. And don’t go into their asks either. And honestly? Just don’t do this to anyone. Ever. Things are not good right now for people in a variety of ways and they need to do them and I respect that and support them for it no matter how it affects anything to do with me and this goes for all the time. In this house we support people taking care of themselves and dealing with life always.

I am legitimately trying not to be mean here, for the record. I’m just explaining and I already had one friend yesterday get some asks that dealt with this subject, so clearly it’s something that needs addressing across the board.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming around here and please keep reading and enjoying what I get the privilege of doing with amazing people who find me worthy of their time and talents, I do very much appreciate it!

[chrsitophwaltz]

MICKEY MEETS FC BAYERN (PART 4/4)

for the entire houston clownery experience click here

psa: if you’ve read the last 3 parts, then you know the drill. i just wanna add that i don’t know how coherent this is bc writing it drained me already. i typed it straight from my garbage brain so this is obviously NOT SAFE FOR WORK. if you’re brave or thirsty enough, or have holy water at the ready, then by all means please proceed.

*matthew mcconaughey voice* alright alright alright

we’ve reached the end, folks! it’s taken me longer than i thought to put this part out. mainly because my brain still can’t comprehend that this actually happened. y’all know that feeling where something happened and you just floated right through it then a few hours later when you’re all alone it hits and destroys you like a fucking trainwreck?

yeah, that’s what it’s been like.

so to recap:

friday: the team arrived. i was positioned nicely near the bus exit and my mind, body, and soul had been buzzing and ready for that moment. i had it all well-rehearsed too: niko steps out, i scream like a banshee for his name, he comes over-- with soft hair and glorious stubble and all-- to sign my shirt and take a gazillion pics. oh, and of course i try not to faint or drool all over him. it was almost fullproof. the problem? he never stepped out. he and thiago went straight to the airport for a press conference and were never in the team bus. i was ready to unleash death right then and there.

but oh well. all hope isn’t lost. i’m gonna be five rows behind the bayern bench the next day during the game anyway. got the tickets within an hour or so after sales opened. i can thirst to my heart’s content over him and his beautiful backside for two hours. and i had this huge ass sign ready, asking for his bottle. it’s bigger and brighter than my life. he CANNOT possibly miss that, right?

saturday: game day! i’ve been buzzing the entire morning and early afternoon. today’s the day! my first time inside a football (american) stadium too. and i was kinda nervous about my sign’s debut too. what if he does see it and give me his bottle? what would i do? do i manage to keep cool or do i smash it right into my eye socket in front of him? until now i still don’t know

so we go down to the stadium. my sign was getting some attention too. people, bayern fans and madridies alike, stopped me and asked what it meant (i had to sheepishly explain to random people that yes, i am indeed asking for his bottle, and no, y’all don’t wanna know why). some guy even got it on his video camera but idk what he did with it sjdfdjkfdjkfsfs

i got settled into my seat and h o l y s h i t i was so close to the pitch and the bench! all the drama? i got it! all the shirt-changing action? i got em too! and all the angry niko antics??? best believe they’re seared into my mind forever and ever!!!!

(dare i say, with full risk of sounding like a downright whore, the man’s got real juicy buns in the back oven. like, fuck me!!!! he’s fit as fucking fuck!!!!!!!! he also loves to whistle and scream instructions and mouth off to hansi on the bench. oh, and to randomly thrust his hips like nobody’s fuckin business!!!!!!!!)

(srsly niko, why do that???? GET OFF MY DAMN NECK!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! my 17-year old sister was beside me and i had to be 110% a responsible, sane adult!!!!!!! even the guy sitting behind us eventually caught on to my thirst since he saw me filming niko the whole duration of the game sddbsjfdjfnsm)

anyway, niko LOVES to hydrate and he probably finished around 4-5 bottles of water. at one point he looked over at where i was and i’m sure as h e l l he saw my sign (it was a huge ass board). but guess what? it’s like he knew just how desperate i was and kept on sexily chugging. god fucking dammit, niko!!!!

y’all know what happened to all those bottles? NOTHING! they’re just piled up on the bench never to be used again. i was right there, niko! A CRUMB! just one fuckin crumb was all i asked for!!!!!!!!!!!! he could’ve thrown that bottle straight at my fuckin face and i would’ve THANKED him

the game ended, we won, and NO BOTTLE. a bitch was sad!!! a bitch was going STIR CRAZY!!!!! the team only had one day left before they left for kansas city. i’ve been trying to get info on how to get into the practice session so i can see him and all the boys. but of course! the training session might as well be in secret because it’s invite-only!!! even the paulaner bbq event was closed. the only events that were open were the mall meet-and-greets. but those wouldn’t have niko or the rest of the boys in them.

please bear in mind again that i decided to shell out extra just to make that one day extension happen. 

i had to see the entire team. i needed to experience niko up close. if i don’t get to do this now, then god knows when i’ll get the chance to do so again.

so, driven by desperation, i made a totally uninformed decision to go to the hotel at some random time the next day. ultimately, it was either the hotel or the carl lewis track. i figured the hotel would be a safer bet since i’d been there before and it was closer to the mall where the meet-and-greets would be (just in case the worst happened and i failed to catch them before they left for practice or wherever).

hotel or track? hotel.

what time? probably 8:30.

did i know what i was doing? absolutely fucking not.

but hey, couldn’t hurt, right? it was bonkers. truly bananas. but what choice did i have? in the end, i just wanted to be able to tell myself that i tried.

sunday:

i’ve been thinking about what to call this part. here’s some of what comes to mind:

1. crazy binch follows crazy idea and it works? it’s more likely than you think!

2. if you like it (i LOVED it) then you should’ve put a ring on it (I MCFUCKIN DID!!!!! in my head at least sksdjfksdfsdfh)

3. the day kathleen krüger probably wanted my head on a spike (and i don’t blame her)!

so the events from parts 1 and 2 happened. saw and greeted kathleen krüger in decent german. it was going pretty well. somewhere in there, during the sven/leon mishap, it finally happened. the moment that i’ve been waiting for. perfection!

*record scratch* eh, not really.

look, i’m 5′3 (and 1/2, i’m gonna insist on that). leon is 6′2. sven is about 6′3 or 6′4? anyway, y’all get it. they’re tall af.

and niko? a very sexy 5′9.

so in the haze of mortification and embarrassment brought about by the sven/leon mishap, i completely missed niko going out of the hotel. the binch literally had to be positioned in between sven and leon and all the other tall german people milling around the hotel. my ass had been on alert for him nearly the entire week (and let’s be real, for months) and when the moment finally presented itself, it completely flew over my head. i nearly ruined my own damn plan.

thankfully though, i’d been chatting with the bayern staff earlier and they knew that i’d been waiting this whole time to meet niko. i wondered out loud, “ugh, when is niko gonna show up he’s usually one of the earlier ones” and the guy in the red audi fcb tour polo shirt frowned and said “what? he literally just went out. didn’t you see him?”

my world literally stopped. i wanted to slap myself. my ears were ringing.

niko, already out? how could i have missed him? had he already gone up the bus???

i literally did a 360 so fast i gave myself whiplash and saw through the glass doors the man i’d been waiting forever for. he was clad in his blue coach kit of shirt and shorts. i could also swear he was glowing like an angel (probably bc of the bright sun or the product of my thirst-addled brain, idk).

there was another problem, though: he wasn’t stopping. he was going straight for the bus. and his leggies were f a s t.

and where was i? still frozen in shock inside the freaking hotel!!!!

i’m not the fastest person in the world but man, adrenaline really does work wonders! thank goodness my brain chose that moment to regain its function and spurred my body into motion. with no fucks left to give, i ran full tilt through the throng of people leisurely heading out, past the security guards who looked at me like i was insane (i was), out of the hotel and into the courtyard where there were about 50 or so fans behind the barriers who had gathered to catch a glimpse of the team.

it was like everything was in slow-mo. there was kathleen, patiently standing near the bus door and taking inventory of the players and staff before they leave. and there was niko, with literally one foot lifted to go up the first step into the bus.

my brain did a quick calculation. even with adrenaline, he’d already be up and inside the bus by the time i get to where he was. they may have let me inside the hotel, but i knew the bus was off limits. i had to stop him before he’s out of reach. and i knew that if i missed him, then that would be the absolute last time i’d see him in houston. that was my last chance.

i already had one foot dipped into the proverbial pool of shame. i was vaguely aware that i had the hotel staff stationed near the door and some fans looking at me bc of my marathon sprint antic. why not just take the full plunge, right?

so i did the only thing i could do to stop him: i screamed for him. throat open, full diaphragm, lungs out screamed: “NIKO! NIKO PLEASE!” my voice and the desperation that it was absolutely dripping with echoed within the walls of the hotel entrance.

i don’t even know the others’ reaction to that anymore, and i don’t really wanna know. all i know was that it worked! he stopped and turned around to look. and god was he. so. beautiful!!!

overjoyed that he paused, i ran straight towards him. there was a body in front of me that i barely dodged in my haste and i belatedly realized it was the team photographer taking shots of the departure. i nearly bowled him over and destroyed his expensive camera but thankfully i somehow managed to do a the matrix-esque maneuver and ducked under his arms and up again straight back to niko. the look on my face must’ve been shocking and horrific (i bet) because as i zoomed in on niko, i saw poor kathleen just behind him, still near the bus door, go tense with her eyes as big as saucers.

look, i understand. if i were the team manager of a popular football team, and some woman was running straight for one of my charges, with A Certain Look on her face, and with the bus door wide open, i’d be worried af. she probably thought i was gonna attack niko (somewhat true, but not in the way she thought...or was it?) and/or infiltrate the team bus. my intentions were pure (ish), of course, but my face didn’t reflect that.

the Queen knew martial arts and could’ve karate-kicked me off the face of the earth and away from niko, but she didn’t. so thank you, kathleen. and i apologize.

safe from kathleen’s wrath (for now), i turned my full attention to niko. i was finally in front of him!!!!! my dream had finally come true!!!!!!!!!!!

my brain and my soul were trying to leave my body and i wasn’t really 100% percent in the moment, but even with the little presence of mind i had left it was too much to bear. niko looked a bit perplexed, like i might attack him or something (with the way i looked, ran, and shouted like an animal i totally get it), but still managed to look relaxed, open, and friendly. he looked at me expectantly and i felt my mouth move to ask for an autograph and my hands give him my cardboarded jersey and sharpie. i wasn’t in control of my body anymore but thank god it knew exactly what i wanted.

niko, a true angel sent down from the heavens above, gracefully took my shirt and sharpie. i’m pretty sure my mouth was wide open and probably had some drool hanging off, and i could feel kathleen’s stare boring holes into the side of my head. as he was signing it, my last few brain cells were roasting.

his hair was soft and ungelled, and was damp (he looked like he recently just came out of the shower) and as his head was bent down, That Stray Lock of Hair flopped into his forehead. it nearly made me pass tf out!!! the sun was also shining brightly and his stubble was already silvery (thanks to bayern’s season of clownery!) so when the light caught it, it literally shone. each strand was literally p e r f e c t i o n. perfect length, perfect texture (from the looks of it; i didn’t dare touch no matter how much i wanted to bc thankfully i still had one fragile shred of dignity left, and i’m sure kathleen would’ve brought out the shotgun), perfect everything. i was about to have a coronary right then and there.

i’ve thought a lot about what i wanted to say to him if i did get the chance to meet him and talk to him. i remembered all the highs and lows of last season and as he finished signing my shirt, i thanked him and said “good luck, niko. and don’t listen to everything they say; you’ll always have people to stand behind you and the team no matter what.” at least that’s what i thought i said. i don’t really remember bc i was half spaced out. but i must’ve said something to that effect bc he looked up from what he was doing and gave me a big, and dare i say, relieved (?), smile. god, his eyes. they were so green. and soft. and really, really kind.

he was probably surprised that i said that to him, what with my earlier crazed stunt. but of course, ever the gentleman, he said “thank you so much” G O D!!!! HIS ACCENT!!!!! if you haven’t heard him speak in english yet, or just speak at all, now’s the time to google that shit. it’s deadly af on video, but goddamn, like everything else about him in person, it’s truly something else live.

mercifully, when he gave me back my shirt and pen, i still had enough life left in me to ask for a picture before i finally passed out. i never would’ve forgiven myself if i forgot!!!

me: thanks again, niko. is it alright if we take a picture?

niko: sure, of course! (god i love him; also, he loves to say “of course” for some reason sjkdhfdfjsdkfh)

so i had my shirt and sharpie in my left hand, and was trying to work my phone with my right hand. niko sidled up real close to my left side and HOLY FUCKING SHIT. he was so warm. and his arm was f i r m. he was leaning really close and my brain was short-circuiting from trying to memorize every single detail and trying to work my phone camera.

(note: my lock screen is niko drenched in beer after they won the bundesliga. thankfully, i turned off my phone’s auto lock just the night before. imagine if he saw me trying to unlock my phone with his wet self plastered on my screen. i never would’ve survived the shame.)

as i was skin on skin with niko, my organs were literally failing. my hands were shaking and sweating, and my camera just. wouldn’t. set. on. photo. it went to video, to slow mo, to god knows what else. it was already getting embarrassing and i was mumbling apologies to niko bc i was sure i’d already taken more than enough of his time. and i haven’t forgotten that kathleen was still there! still staring at us, at me, and witnessing every single mortifying thing!!!!

niko, literally heaven itself incarnate, was so patient though and just chuckled. oh. fuck. me. his chuckle. y’all know his voice is deep af, right? and you know that certain r a s p that comes with it. well, fuck. he did this deep ass raspy chuckle that went straight down to my loins!!!!! christ on a bike!!!! my inner whore was literally about to jump out!!!!! i’ve fantasized about hearing it in person for so long but jesus fucking christ I WASN’T READY. ALL THIS TIME AND MY BODY STILL WASN’T READY!!!! AND I’M DAMN SURE IT WILL NEVER BE READY!!!!!!!!! NO ONE IS READY FOR THIS ATTACK!!!!!!!!

g o d. anyway, he finally took pity on me. he chuckled (i’m on the brink of death here!!!) and reached for my phone to help me take the goddamn photo. he set it on photo (freaking finally, thanks niko) and we posed for the photo. hell, he was so close again. while i tried to smile and look somehow decent, i just had to take away as much detail as i could before we parted.

1. i already said this, but his h a i r. so soft. and houston was freaking humid. while mine was literally about to turn into a bird’s nest from the humidity, the man just couldn’t look fugly if he tried!!! he literally had NO FRIZZ. damn niko, tell me your secret!

2. his stubble was SO CLOSE. every strand? PERFECTION. no words could adequately describe it. and holy shit, his jawline and cheekbones. if i touched it i could literally lacerate my goddamn hand. and he had no pores??? fucking sexy cryptid

3. his c h u c k l e (he wasn’t chuckling anymore, but that shit stays with you till the end of time)

4. HIS S C E N T.

okay. i have a scent kink. i know. TMI. like this whole write up is one big banner for too much fuckin information. but holy shit. HOLY S H I T. until now i still don’t know how to fully describe, and i probably never will succeed in fully conveying what it was truly like (and if my brain embellished some of it; i was really too far gone to know anything anymore), but fuck. f u c k. he wasn’t wearing perfume or cologne, i’m sure of that. nothing too artificial that stood out to my nostrils. probably bc they were going to train under the houston sun and spritzing was wasted and unnecessary. but remember that he was fresh from the shower, so that was basically his main scent. it was very nice, very crisp, very clean. basically, sexy as hell. classy. panty-melting!!!! hell, i don’t know!!!! you know what i mean!!! idk if it’s from the hotel toiletries (if it was, good job post oak hotel!) or if it’s his own (then i need to know niko! what products do you use???). but yeah. clean and crisp. d***y supreme.

and there was also something else. it must’ve been his natural scent. and god. GOD!!!! a bit woodsy (?) and quite sweet. i’ll stop there before i say something that REALLY crosses the line.

so my thumb moves, and we take the photo. ONE FREAKING PHOTO. that’s all i managed. i wasn’t able to look at it until my uber ride to the mall later on, and i really would’ve liked more to take with me and stare at when i’m....lonely. but it was magically HDR, and i looked passable. and niko. again: perfection!!!! now that i know what he’s like in the flesh, nothing else will ever come close. but this does come quite close.

after the photo was taken, i manage to squeak out another “thanks.” niko smiled again (kill me one last time, why don’t you) and squeezed my arm lightly before saying goodbye and finally going up the bus. kathleen could breathe a sigh of relief now.

i don’t know how long i stood there. surely not that long since i still got to take pics with serge, manu, and lewy. but it did feel like forever and i haven’t shaken myself out of it. as i’m writing this, exactly one week later after it happened, i still haven’t shaken myself out of it. i don’t think i ever could.

i’m just thankful to whichever deity made this happen. my houston trip was finally complete (i haven’t met everyone yet at that point, but i just somehow knew deep inside that it would all work out). i got what i came for and more. my extension was not only worth it, but completely priceless. i’ll treasure this whole day and that little moment i got with niko for the rest of my life. that’s for sure.

just to end this, i just wanna say something. i know this was one whole crazy and thirsty post, but seriously. he’s a really nice man. a good man. it wasn’t for more than a few minutes at most, but it felt like forever in my mind. and in that short moment, i just knew he tries his best. i’m a true blue niko stan but even i know he made mistakes. i’m clearheaded enough to acknowledge that. but he tries, and he succeeded. and no matter how calm and cool and collected he always appears to be, you can still see how much it all affects him. hell, he literally grayed in front of our eyes in less than a year. his eyes were a little less bright at the end of the season as compared to his presentation last july. when i gave him that little message of support, i literally saw the relief in his eyes and how much he appreciated it. he and the team have been through quite the ordeal last season, and there are no guarantees it will be easier this time around.

you don’t have to like him, you know. but please. a little basic human respect still goes a long way.

there, i said my piece. and it’s done! thank you, fc bayern, for being so nice and game and all-around wonderful. thank you, kathleen krüger, for staying calm long enough to let me have my moment with niko. and thank you, niko, just for being... you. now here’s the ONE picture i’ll treasure for the rest of my life:

[c-is-for-circinate]

A brief about-this-blog

You may have noticed, I rarely or never post current events/social justice stuff here!  And with the recent influx of followers and the CR community in general, I have two comments about that:

--I’ve been realizing recently that it’s maybe a little bit nervous-making, discovering the blog of someone you think might be cool, but they never post about certain things, and what if they’re secretly awful and you just haven’t backread far enough to realize?  I don’t want to be that person, so: 

I myself am cis and white and female and queer and neurodivergent and probably older than you and still younger than most people who think they’re real adults, so take from that what you will.

Trans women are women, trans men are men, gender is a social construct, and you should take people at their word for what they say they are, whatever they say they are.  This is basic human decency.  Don’t be an asshole.

Asexuality is a thing and I want to see it represented in all of the circles, particularly queer ones.  (I live in a weird, fuzzy intersection of a-spec and bi that I often think I’m far too old to’ve not pinned down further, but it is what it is and it’s okay, and whatever it is it’s sure as goddamn anything not straight.�� People are confusing even when they’re yourself.  More people should get the chance to try more labels and then leave them behind.)

Anti-semitism is an actual thing that exists in the world, and I am aware that this is a true fact, and I think it’s bullshit and terrible.  I believe you when you say something was anti-semitic.

Racism is sure as shit an actual thing that exists in the world, and I am aware that this is a true fact, and I am so white, guys.  I’ve got my own institutionalized privilege that I work through on my own time.  Best thing I can do is try to listen, learn, and not add more noise to the tumblr echo chamber when I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

I’m an actualfacts environmental educator and trained ecologist in real life, so I know exactly how fucked we are--and also how fucked we aren’t.  The future will be neither as okay nor as impossible as most people think it is.  World ain’t ending, folks, it’s just changing a whole hell of a lot.  Corporate greed is The Worst but avoid the plastic straws anyway.

--This will never be an SJW or current events blog.  I will never reblog your angry post, or your scared post, or probably even your calm informative PSA post.  That’s not what this blog is for and it’s not what I want to do.

This is my fandom space.  I’m old, in internet terms, friends--old enough to remember surfing endless webrings and the days when Livejournal required a special invite token.  The world was always wanky, but there used to be more separation between the collapse of the outside world, and this place we came to tell stories and dissect fiction.  I’m not saying it’s wrong that everything is more smushed together these days, I’m just saying that the fandom and internet experience that I want (and that I offer) is a lot more fandom and a lot less, also, your real-life president in the actual world where you live right now would prefer you to die.

This is my day job.  No, I’m not a front-line activist, but I am neck deep in thinking about and working with conservation issues and urban ecology, and how environmental inequality disproportionately affects communities of color, and what happens to the Chicago River every single time I use my dishwasher when it rains, and how I’m a white suburban-raised apartment-renter in a gentrifying neighborhood because I can’t afford to live anywhere else, all the time.  It’s a lot.  It’s exhausting, and it’s complicated, and that’s not what I’m here to keep doing.

This is a noisy, noisy website, and if there’s anything I’ve ever learned as a teacher, the way to guide and inform people is never add more noise to an already noisy place.  If I have anything wise to say or to add to any discourse on this hellsite, it’s that the world is so nuanced, and it takes nuance to understand its problems and address them.  The more everything is signal-boosted, the louder this whole internet world gets  around us, and the more the details and the shades of gray are lost.  I’m glad people are out there spreading information about things, but I don’t actually think my adding more volume to the discussion helps.

This is a real big anxiety button for me on every level.  One of those levels is the very simple, “wait, if I reblog THIS one but not THAT one, am I picking sides?  am I making a statement about what I do and don’t consider important?” sort of terror.  And no, it’s not particularly logical or particularly rational, but I’m not, always.  I’m a person and sometimes my brain tries to kill me.  So I take actions in my real life that I think stand a chance of mattering, and when I’m online, I appease my own inner gremlins of indecision by choosing to just not, ever.

I will sometimes make posts about my own lived experience, with mental health, or queerness, or gender, or economics, or being an aging millennial in this strange world of ours.  Sometimes I’ll reblog posts because they speak specifically to my lived experience, and they resonate on a ‘oh shit, this is me’ level.  I think there’s value to that, and also, this is my blog and I can use it to reflect myself out into the world if I want to.  There’s always going to be the rare exception to whatever I usually do.

But anyway, yeah.  I’ve picked up SO MANY FOLLOWERS in the past couple of months.  I figured it was fair to tell you a bit about what you signed up for.  Hopefully you stick around anyway.

[nonbinaryresource]

Hi, i'm afab and i'm questioning my gender identity. I identified as demigirl a few months ago, but i'm still not sure. I feel like a girl, but i kinda feel like something else? Idk. I don't feel so great in feminine clothes. I've felt uncomfortable about my chest for 2 years, and ever since i identified with demigirl i felt more uncomfortable about it and felt better with a binder. But i still wonder if i'm not actually cis and just feel insecure about my chest and want to look more neutral.

Since you said “I feel like a girl, but i kinda feel like something else?“ I just want to throw juxera out there! It’s a gender relative to female, but on a separate plane and off to itself. It’s kind of “girl-like”. Here’s the post on the coining of juxera, and a PSA about the definition.

But here’s the thing. Maybe you are nonbinary or genderqueer and/or trans or whatever other non-cis gender you connect with. Maybe you’re cis and gender nonconforming.

The only way to figure this out is to let yourself explore these feelings. Use different labels. Try different pronouns. Mix up your presentation.

You don’t have to limit yourself to falling within a certain presentation. You don’t have to exist within a pure binary. Push the boundaries. Explore your limits. Find what makes you comfortable and happy.

And know even within one gender, there can be a lot of variation to how you feel and your experiences. It’s common for dysphoria or other feelings of negativity to be stronger when you’re questioning and figuring yourself out. For me, these feelings were really strong while I was questioning because, well, that’s what caused me to question in the first place. It’s common for dysphoria or other feelings of negativity to be stronger after starting to explore or finding the label you think fits you. It can make folk more aware of cisnormativity and cissexism and the confines of the world they’ve been living in, which can expound how uncomfortable we feel. It’s common for dysphoria to fluctuate and spike.

How you’re feeling changing can be a sign that you need to explore and introspect more and that something about your gender may be different or that you haven’t quite found the right label for yourself right. It can also just be random or triggered by other things, such as stress or hormones.

It’s okay to not be sure of who you are. It’s okay to re-question your gender. But you have to let yourself explore and work through these questions in order to discover more about yourself. It’s frustrating to be confused and not understand. It’s frustrating for your feelings to change and throw you off guard and throw you for a loop. It’s frustrating to think you had everything figured out and realize that maybe you don’t. It’s frustrating to always have to deal with these creeping doubts that you’re mislabeling.

But this is nothing wrong or unhealthy with questioning and exploring. It’s good to take stock of how you’re feeling every now and then and make healthy adjustments that will make you happier and more comfortable.

This is a hard time, but you’re doing great! Try to be patient with yourself. Make sure to show yourself kindness and understanding. Let yourself explore. Trust how you’re feeling and prioritize what makes you happiest and most comfortable. Give yourself permission to exist in the gray areas of the world, in between labels, and figure out your own journey by your own standards on your own time.

[gif of Marlin and Dory from Finding Nemo. Dory is doing a kind of back-and-forth fishy dance while imparting this wisdom to Marlin: “When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”]

You will find the place where you’re happiest. It just may take some more time.

~Tera

[celticheartedfangirl]

I watched a documentary on Trump so you don’t have to -- my takeaway from this . . .

So there was a VERY LONG documentary on the Trump Dynasty on A&E and I watched it yesterday because I was bored and not feeling well so hey why not make myself even sicker.  Plus -- I’m kind of a documentary nerd anyway, and I wanted to better understand how we got where we are.

Here is my general takeaway from this whole thing:

Trump was a monster child who had to be sent to military school because he had VERY serious behavioral problems even at a young age

Trump has always -- ALWAYS -- had a need for the spotlight 

Trump deliberately made choices that would put him in the public eye

Any time something went wrong -- and this is going WAY WAY WAY BACK -- he’d blame someone else.  ALWAYS.  Trump was never wrong.

Trump would call people pretending to be someone else to make sure he was listed in publications as being one of the richest guys in the world, even if he wasn’t

When Trump started the Apprentice his ass was broke as fuck and it was all smoke and mirrors to make him still look like he was rich.

When Trump found out who his target demo was for the show he found out it was A LOT of the same people who watched wrestling, so he got into that to cater to his “fans” who literally had NOTHING in common with him.  It was all theater.  (These “fans” would later be known as his “base”)

Trump’s relationship with Russia goes WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back

Trump ran for POTUS because he was pissed off that he got made fun of at the Correspondent’s dinner

I could go on but these are the highlights.  But here are a few other interesting things:

Trump’s favorite movie is Sunset Boulevard.  He loves Norma Desmond.  A washed up former star with narcissistic personality disorder.  

There were interviews with him and Melania before they got married.  And she . . . . is an idiot.  I’m sorry, but she came off as a total dingbat who was obviously banging this rich guy even though he was an obvious ass because money.  Nothing about her impressed me, so any of you “poor Melania” folks . . . . no.  She signed up for this shit.  

I have never liked Trump.  Even when he was just that real estate guy -- I thought he was an ass.  I have never seen a single episode of The Apprentice, nor do I want to.  Everything about this guy screamed “piece of shit” from the first day that I was made aware that Donald Trump is a person that exists.  And that has not changed even a little bit.  

So all of you pro Trump folk . . . . first of all, why you here?  This blog isn’t for you.  Second of all . . . you are FOOLS.  This man is playing you.  He is a huckster.  He is a conman.  He is basically Mr. Haney in a more expensive suit.  (Look him up young people who don’t get that reference.) 

Also . . . . those of you religious folk (btw I’m a Christian so don’t start with ME with anything on that topic) who think Trump was sent by God or something . . . . there was nothing . . and I mean NOTHING . .. in that documentary that mentioned any kind of faith devotion.  You’d think in a SIX FUCKING HOUR Trumpathon, if religion was so important to him, that it would have been brought up at LEAST once.  But nope.  Cause it’s not.  He is PLAYING YOU FOR A FOOL.  And he knows it and he is laughing his ass off at how STUPID you are to buy it.   So you keep doing whatever mental gymnastics you need to do to convince yourself that this man is in any way a man of faith.  He’s not.  And you are a FOOL for thinking so.  

But the most hilarious thing about this documentary?  One of the MAIN “experts” that was interviewed throughout this thing was ROGER STONE.  Yes THAT Roger Stone.  And he confirmed on multiple occasions that Trump is basically a malignant narcissist.  I mean he didn’t use those WORDS, but the context was there.  It was both hilarious and disturbing to watch him talk about Trump and all of his foibles and personal “quirks” or whatever the fuck.  

Trump is about Trump.  And no one else.  He wants attention and fame and for people to worship him.  And those who continue to believe his bullshit and support him are doing exactly what he wants.  

This has been an anti Trump PSA.  This man is a menace and has been since he was a child.  And anyone who can’t see that is being played for a FOOL.  And that’s exactly what Trump is counting on.  

[chibilostsoul]

PSA: On Gingers

  Hey-o! Just a redhead here to make a little bit of I guess rant? An announcement? Anyways, let me get right to it.

  Natural red hair comes from a genetic mutation in the MC1R gene- you know, fairly commonly known about red hair. What’s not so as well known is that this gene mutation doesn’t just effect our pigment, far from it, and it’s been a problem for me and no doubt other redheads out there.

  This gene mutation also changes how we feel/process pain compared to other people. It makes us more sensitive to it, which means we build a higher pain threshold in most cases. We produce our own vitamin D, as this mutation occurred due to lack of sunlight and colder temperatures. We are also more sensitive to temperature change, 9/10 we will be allergic to penicillin, more likely to get skin cancer, endometriosis (For those that may have a uterus), and a myriad of other things that range from pros to cons.

  Now, with all these aspects of  our body being altered due to this mutation, do you know what else is made rather difficult? Going to the doctor. Most doctors have no clue about any of these mutations connected with natural red hair, and none of my personal doctors ever had. When I tried to talk to my doctors about it, I received disbelief and rolling of the eyes and so on. But, guess what- because doctors don’t usually know about these differences (or believe them despite the proof), they also don’t know that we process medication and anesthetic differently as well.

  That’s right folks, redheads also don’t react the same way to medications as most other people do. We’re more resistant to most local anesthesia or pain blockers, so more often then not, not enough of it is used. And for other forms of anesthesia, studies showed redheads need roughly 20% more for it to have the same effect it does in others. Redheads are also less immune to viruses, i.e. colds, flu, strep, etc. It’s also easier to bruise if you have red hair, though thankfully not easier to bleed from injury- that’s about the same compared to others.

  So, just from this, I think it’s clear how hard it is for a redhead at the doctor’s, whether it be for a check-up or a dental appointment. Every fact I’ve stated here concerning redheads has had multiple studies done to back it, you can literally just google them. However, I still struggle to get these things across to doctors without them thinking I’m just spouting nonsense when in fact I’m not, I’d just prefer to get proper medical care.

  My mother- also a redhead (but more of a ‘daywalker’) has gone to the dentist a few times and had to have some teeth pulled. Each time the dentist yanked out a tooth, she felt everything. She had to sit there and suffer because A.) the dentists weren’t aware of how red hair effects anesthesia tolerance, and B.) the kind they were using even when trying to give her more just didn’t work. At all. Well, not ‘at all’ it somewhat numbed her tongue, but that’s it. So, yeah, because my ma is a ginger, she had to literally bear multiple teeth being pulled out of her skull.

  This also leads into another study that showed redheads were more likely to have a fear of the dentist- I wonder why.

[marigorbital]

Dumb Ducks in the Water: Part 14

IT’S FINALLY HERE. Three actual years later, but it’s here.

A lot has happened in my life for the past three years and, to make a long excuse short, I was doing a lot of life questioning and dealing with events. And once I got out of my dark cloud, I decided to return to this fic while returning with my own writing projects. So I’m here to finish this fic, though I’m not sure how long it will take (I hope within a year?)--I’m just promising not to go MIA again, is all.

Anyway, some notes on this chapter:

- Listen, I did NOT plan on returning when the 3rd season of Free! came. This is pure coincidence, honestly. That being said, SO MANY THINGS HAVE CHANGED. Side characters have personalities now... Isuzu exists (I’ll have to, at some point, change Yukiko’s name)... People are in college now... Anyway, I want to remind folks that I started this fic in 2014/2015 and I’m trying to stay true to that, so anything that doesn’t match up with the current season is kind of like oh well for me.

- This chapter features tweets. Yeah. I used some website that make them look like they were written in 2009, lol, but we’re just gonna go with it. Also, want to give a shoutout to my best friends, who spent like five hours coming up with the twitter handles.

- Speaking of which, trigger warning possibly: cyber bullying (?) and rumors. Now, I generally try to keep this fic lighthearted, so I am also touching the mentioned subjects in a lighthearted manner for the most part, but I also know that if what happens in this chapter ever happened to me in high school, I would have been mortified. So I tried to respect that and take it a little seriously, which also pertains to the rest of the plot--but this is still Dumb Ducks. No PSAs, just some self-awareness.

- I am a little worried the quality is not up to par with this chapter because it’s been a while and I just wanted to get this chapter over with because I’d rather write other scenes, so I’m super sorry if it’s only sort of funny/cute or too serious. It’ll be better next chapter! (Which hopefully comes out by December?)

Anyway.

Start from the beginning or go to the handy-dandy tag page and pick up where you left off.

Enjoy.

------

It was still Tuesday.

But worse yet, it was time for him to face the swim team.

And to be honest, if you asked Nitori, that was kind of bullshit.

There he stood, observing the pool of sharks in the distance just waiting for him to make a move. A whole lot of damage had been done in the past eight hours since Rin shouted a profound WHAT THE FUCK at Nitori and Momo’s dorm doorway, which immediately stirred up a banana telephone game of epic proportions throughout Samezuka Academy. Pair that with the fact that both of the dimwits were publicly announced to head to the principal’s office together and that something amiss had happened in the cafeteria last night—and boy, oh boy, were the rumors trending the social sphere like something straight out of Nitori’s nightmares. They had gone viral, top of the chart gossip among their peers, who were all too ready to roast the couple into infamy.

It all started with a tweet.

Some rando on the basketball team had overheard Rin catching Nitori and Momotarou getting caught in an explicit position at their dorm, and what with the rumors of Samezuka’s swim team having more tea than a J-drama now stirring, this caught the attention of several bored teenage boys before classes had even started.

The sports news network was simple. Basketball passed the rumors around to get some details. One teammate asked who found out about this and were replied to with the captain caught them. Another asked, which one’s the captain?? And another replied, the guy who cries all the time.

Once the rumors spread over to other sports teams at the academy, the Samezuka Swim Team Thot Conspiracy began. It was the volleyball team who mentioned that both Nitori and Mikoshiba were sent to the principal’s office that same day, as sourced by a classmate in Nitori’s homeroom. A peculiar detail because how did the school find out about what the couple was doing in their bedroom? Did someone rat them out?

Then someone on the tennis team who was also in the culinary club mentioned, I heard they got caught doing shit in the cafeteria.

Cue the controversy.

This made folks on the baseball team wonder just how many times the two had done it and bets were being taken about when the relationship started. Someone on the bicycle team hashtagged the gossip thread as #bombezuka, which set off a flurry of well-intentioned, damage control tweets from students who didn’t want the reputations of Aiichirou Nitori and Momotarou Mikoshiba to get tarnished.

Things like who cares if they’re banging and let them live in PEACE to they’re not gay and who are we even talking about flooded social media circles as the rumor spread outside of Samezuka’s sports clubs and into the general student body. Did things get out of control? Naturally. Details were being made up, people weren’t entirely sure who was involved in the cafeteria fucking, and lavish erotic assumptions about who had the biggest dick energy on the Samezuka swim team were battling it out for all of this side of Japan’s internet to see.

One person assumed the captain (Rin) was angry because he was in a secret love affair with “the silver twink” or something. Another person insisted, Mikoshiba-san has been bragging about being with Nitori-san since last weekend. Another student saw them nuzzling faces on the metro train, claimed they were on a date. Oh, definitely, said another, saw them on the beach making out.

Eventually someone had the nerve to try to confirm some things with the swim team by messaging Toru Iwashimizu, who only responded:

But because Iwashimizu had responded, the #bombezuka thread had popped up on the rest of the swimming team’s Twitter feeds, who righteously had mixed reactions of freaking out to defend their teammates’ honor and freaking out because their suspicions had finally been confirmed.

To no one’s surprise, Nagisa Hazuki caught wind of the frenzy, despite being from another school entirely.

And with Rin Matsuoka’s name mixed in with the rumors, it did not take long before six degrees reached his younger sister Gou, who could not believe what had unfurled throughout the day without any comment by her brother. In a desperate attempt to get him to notice the Twitter storm, she tweeted:

The only silver lining of the tweetastrophe was that at least no one was being inherently meanspirited about the potential lust blossoming between Nitori and Momotarou, which was partially due to the swimming team’s notoriety. On paper, sure, the swim team was the pride and joy of the Samezuka Academy, but that’s not why they were famous among their peers. They were famous because the rest of the school viewed the swim team as a group of guys obsessed with swimming. They did nothing but swim. The whole point of the indoor swimming pool was for the team to practice even during the winter—when they didn’t even have to swim—or whenever it rained.

Barely anyone knew anything about the students in the swim team, so many folks figured they had the stock personalities of a school of fish. All going for the same goal to be a professional athlete and not much else. They were untouchable; their schedules surrounding practices, training camps, and swim meets, with not much room for dating in between. The only other thing people knew about them was their annual tradition of hosting a maid café at their school’s cultural festival, which no one could reasonably explain.

That was it. Listen, people figured if there was ever going to be a scandal coming from the swim team, it was probably going to be about some guy shooting up steroids in the locker room or wearing unapproved swimsuits for better aerodynamics in competitions or maybe even something crazy like the students were all brainwashed and manufactured into disciples of Poseidon himself to carry on the legend of Samezuka forever. They weren’t known for actual drama, not even while people heard about Rin Matsuoka swimming for some other school’s team halfway through a competition for some reason last year (that was weird, but okay) or even this year when some folks whispered about Sousuke Yamazaki having a hurt shoulder and, like, that was sad, but he still swam in the championship, so other students figured it wasn’t so bad. Hell, if you even heard about those two so-called incidents, you had to be real close to the swim team—and the fact of the matter was, what happened in Samezuka’s swim team generally stayed with the swim team.

So, when rumors spread about last year’s swim team captain’s little brother possibly dating this year’s captain’s ex-roommate, who some said might be next year’s captain, too, things got a little bit juicy.

To the student body of the Samezuka Academy, this was like finding out the royals were having incestuous affairs behind the castle doors, which got people thinking: maybe the reason no one had ever heard of the Samezuka swim team dating anyone outside of school was because maybe the swim team was dating… each other.

Yet, while folks were reveling in the swim team’s supposed love triangle plot twists, it was all at the expense of Aiichirou Nitori’s dignity. People were quick to forget that. It was one thing to be teased by his teammates about possibly dating Momotarou, but to witness his reputation get warped into being the promiscuous sexpot darling of the swim team was a level of humiliation Nitori had never known. He read tweet after tweet, seeing his name become the butt of a thousand jokes by students who he had never heard of, let alone spoken to.

It was a wild exchange. There were positive messages at first that called him cute, saying no surprise he’s dating someone, remembering him as the second-year breaststroke swimmer, saying how quiet in school he was, saying how small he was, saying well, if he’s still on the swim team, he must be good, right? They said he must be flexible, then mentioned Momo and Rin and Sousuke and Seijuro and damn near any teammate people saw him with at some point during the school year. They got more invasive, calling him relay boy, and assumed he was experienced, assumed he was bottom, assumed he was easy.

He cried about this, locked his dorm room and wept at his desk as he used his laptop to delete his Twitter and turn all his other social media accounts private before the gossip switched platforms. And once it was done and he could finally use his phone again without notifications stalling the system, Nitori stared at his last text message, one from Sousuke that read, emergency meeting at the pool now.

There stood Aiichirou Nitori at the entrance of the indoor swimming pool, with eyes puffed red and swollen, just like his ego.

“I hate this,” he muttered, his voice hoarse.

No one wore their swimsuits, which was good because like hell was Nitori going to do some goddamn laps after all the bullshit he went through today. As he sauntered down the gym in his hoodie and sweatpants, he looked down at the tile floor and listed the day’s events in his head. He woke up at 5:30 in the morning, broke into the cafeteria to smuggle in paper cranes, got caught, kissed Momo, had a nice breakfast, kissed Momo again but in his underwear so Rin could catch them—and thus the downward spiral set off. Today was the first day he started his first relationship. He should have been happy. It should have been a good day, really. But all Nitori felt was tired.

He was so, so tired.

“Honestly, fuck ‘em,” said Toru Iwashimizu, who sat at the edge of the pool with his feet dipped in the water. “Summer break is coming up anyway. They’re going to forget all about this.”

Most of the swim team sat down on the floor as a huddled group, with a few teammates just off to the side by the pool edge or by the wall. Nitori couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with anyone, knowing what had been rumored, but he saw someone approaching him and stepped back.

“Nitori-senpai?” whispered Momotarou, still in his school uniform. Not because he couldn’t get into their dorm room to change clothes, but because he chose not to.

“Where were you?” asked Nitori. He looked up at Momo then, pointing an incredulous glance at his manic kouhai, and didn’t care if anyone noticed their confrontation.

There was no question that Nitori-senpai looked like a wreck. His eyes were bloodshot, his nose and lips cracked at the irritated dry patches he must have wiped too many times, and his skin dulled from exhaustion. Once he found out about all the rumors, Momo’s first reaction was to go straight to his dorm room and talk with Nitori, but when he heard his senpai’s sobbing and how obviously hurt he was, his next impulse was to stop the madness. For the past twenty minutes, Momotarou went to several sports teams and people whose names he recognized in the tweeting threads and made a small statement to each of them in person. He needed to come up with a better solution, he knew that, but it was all he could think of for now.

He told them, you have hurt someone I care about.

“I was trying to fix this,” he told Nitori, even though he also knew the concept of fixing their shattered reputations might have been impossible by now.

“How could you possibly fix this?”

“Oy, Ai,” interjected Rin, who like the rest of the swim team had been taking note of Nitori’s dejected state. “That’s what we’re all trying to do now. Come up with a way to fix this mess.”

Fix messes, huh, Nitori thought. It seemed like he was always caught in some mess that needed to be fixed, at least for the past four days. Eventually the escalation must stop and crash, that’s what he was learning. He just never thought it would crash on him.

Nitori looked up to evaluate the rest of the team, taking note of their worried yet puzzled expressions as they looked back at him. He saw Minami and Uozumi sitting up against the wall, their lips pursed as if holding back their own commentary until they felt safe to do so. Off to the side, where most of the team sat, lied Nakagawa on his back and yet he averted his attention up at Nitori, then began to sit up when he noticed Nitori staring down at him. Iwashimizu took his feet out of the water and turned toward Nitori, sitting cross-legged and cross-armed. They looked guilty, or maybe Nitori just wanted them to feel that way. He wanted to blame them for their casual teasing as some sort of fuel for the rumor fire, even if he couldn’t prove it as the catalyst to the day’s events.

There was a moment when he wanted to blame Rin for shouting so loud that morning, for getting involved, for being so known at school. It didn’t last long, though, because even with everything that had happened, Nitori couldn’t muster up the nerve to blame his senpai for caring about him and his reckless behavior. As he looked Rin directly in the eyes, Nitori noticed the accountability Rin felt for his part of the scandal, how much of a captain he looked during this crisis—if you could call it that, Nitori wondered, feeling dumb. God, he felt so dumb, standing dead center at an emergency swim team meeting—a meeting—over rumors about him fucking—fucking—Momo.

Over fucking Momo.

When it came to Momo, his anger was complicated. It wasn’t the rage of someone who felt betrayed or even the kind of frustration someone felt because of how stupid their friend was. His fury was much more personal, a fury that made him obsess over every bad mistake he made in the past few days because of Momo’s whims and how any sane person would have said no, would have said the line was being crossed, would have realized they were setting themselves up for a messy catastrophe, but not him. Truth was, as Nitori realized it after sobbing at his desk, that he was, in a way, having fun. And the reason he was mad was because it had been spoiled.

He looked back at Momo and weakly raised his hand with his fingers twitching in frustration, pulling the air as he pulled his thoughts together.

“Nitori-senpai,” said Momo, who stepped closer ready to accept any punishment he was about to be given. “I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this.”

Yeah, he got anxious. Yeah, what they were doing was stupid.

But it was fun.

Nitori got mad because he hated how everyone wanted to rewrite his memories. They weren’t there watching the sunset at the beach with Momo while eating ice cream after a day of dancing and shooting water guns. They weren’t there going into downtown to shop for origami paper and eating lunch while binge-watching anime in their dorm room, just hanging out together and enjoying each other’s company for like twelve hours straight. They weren’t there eating breakfast in a little kitchen shop, planning dates and dodging bashful glances on the morning of their first kiss. They had no idea how much of a big deal it was, how it felt, that first time. All they had was this idea of who they were—just a couple of zany kids, off to the side, doing nothing important, just messing around. Who were they to try to tell Nitori the story of (maybe) the first time he fell in love?

Momo and his big mouth, his stupid ideas, his dumb heart.

Nitori dropped his hand. He took one step forward and plopped his head onto Momo’s chest, letting out a deep sigh. First day of a relationship and he was mad. God, he felt so dumb.

“Is it worth all this?” he said to Momo. “How long are we going to hide this secret?”

This secret, of course, referred to the surprise party they were planning, which had clearly become the bane of their existence. What started out as a prank turned sentimental gesture had wildly spun out of a control as the basis of their public outing for all to jest—and there was still another half of the week to go through before it was even supposed to happen.

Yet, given the rumor situation, when the swim team heard “secret,” a slight misunderstanding prompted folks to speak up.

“Oh, well, you don’t have to hide anymore, Nitori-san,” said Minami from the back, a little preemptively. “We’re totally cool with it.”

“Uh,” Momo stuttered, looking down at Nitori, who merely closed his eyes and sighed further. “That’s not—”

“That’s right, Ai,” said Rin. “We’ll make sure this doesn’t get out of control.”

Sousuke also chimed in with a supportive, “You’re not alone.”

And while it was sweet how quickly the Samezuka Swim Team turned into the Momo-Ai Defense Squad, hearing the phrase you’re not alone had channeled the exact reason Nitori was furious in the first place. He wasn’t alone, was quite prophetically forced to not be alone—when that’s what he wanted. He gripped Momo’s shirt, tugged down at the neckline as his silent call for freedom, and whispered into Momo’s ear, “Fix this.”

As more teammates spoke up to lend their support, it dawned on Momotarou that despite the fact that there was no real plan on how to come out as a couple since they were originally just rolling with the team’s own suspicions, this was probably not it. This was not how anything was supposed to go. He wrapped his arms around Nitori, feeling his senpai give in the embrace and start to choke up. Things had gone too far over nothing and no amount of white lies could change the fact that Momo, frankly, messed up.

“Stop,” he announced, then groaned as he gave in to surrender. “We were just trying to plan a party.”

Huh?

Even Sousuke, who was helping plan the party, wondered why the flustered ginger had snapped out and revealed the party plans. Collectively, no one on the team could tie the connection between Momo and Ai’s relationship outing and a… party? Unless, maybe it was a coming out party? Were they gonna be that elaborate about announcing their relationship? Wouldn’t that be a little much? Was that even a thing?

“What are you talking about?” asked Rin.

But the truth had to come out, and so with Nitori still in his arms, Momo exasperatedly confessed, “It started with the bread, but then you saw the bread, so then we couldn’t use it anymore, but I didn’t want to give up on—well, see, I was trying to plan a surprise because, come on, look at this pool, it’s so big! Like, how am I supposed to be at this school and not put stuff in it, so then why not origami cranes? No one can get mad at origami cranes—because they’re beautiful—and it’s barely a prank if there’s 5000 origami cranes—I mean, that’s practically art—like, honestly, I think it’d even be a good idea for the summer festival, just putting it out there because I’ve been working really hard on making them, you can ask Yamazaki-senpai, who—actually—is the reason we started planning a party. Yeah, ugh, because it was just a really good idea and we couldn’t explain why we are on the beach on top of each other—but nothing happened! We weren’t even thinking about that yet! We were just having a good time and then Yamazaki-senpai was like oh, what are you doing, give me my radio back, you’re planning a party, right? And we were like, yeah, that’s a great idea because it was, so then we had to go through with it, which is why we were always together, but then everyone kept thinking we were together together because we took a shower together and like, yeah, okay, so I checked Nitori-senpai out, but who wouldn’t? Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t—no, you can’t, because Nitori-senpai is an amazing person who deserves to be checked out and, you know what? I’d do it again, honestly.”

Momo took a moment to breathe.

“Ugh, not that it matters,” Momo continued, his confession getting louder, “because then everybody was getting suspicious because of how much we hung out and Yamazaki-senpai couldn’t take the cranes to the cafeteria, so we had to, and the freaking cafeteria manager came in too early, so we had to run and run and it was sunrise and Nitori-senpai looked beautiful and, like, that was the moment—I couldn’t just not kiss him, especially after last night’s failure, so I did and it was great and today was supposed to be a great day because today—TODAY—was the first time I’ve ever kissed someone and today was supposed to be special because I asked Nitori-senpai out on a date and he said sure and I was,” Momo panted before he calmed down and finished, “I was really happy about that.”

Nitori looked up at Momo, then softly uttered, “Momo-kun…”

“I’m angry, too,” said Momo, meeting Nitori’s gaze. “I ruined our first day.”

The team stood there, stunned.

It was a lot to digest, particularly since Momo gave no context to anything he said, just spouted out a stream of consciousness that only select people could put together in a coherent timeline. But while some team members were trying to figure out the missing details, Rin—who felt he understood most of the Momo speak—hesitantly spoke up and said, “So, you two were planning a party here in the gym?”

Momo and Nitori nodded.

“And you knew about this?” Rin asked, turning around to Sousuke.

“Yup,” he said.

“But you two,” Rin turned back to the frazzled couple, “weren’t dating until… today?”

“Right,” confirmed Momo.

“But I saw… you both… this morning,” said Rin, trying to make sense of the lewd scene he walked in on earlier in the day. Who hooks up on the first morning they’re together?

“We were trying to distract you,” explained Nitori, who stood straight while still in Momo’s embrace and motioned his hands toward their intimate hug. “And it worked really well because we ended up distracting the whole school.”

“I can’t believe this.” Rin threw his head back, trying to be respectful toward his kouhais’ newfound relationship, but also absolutely using every fiber of his being to contain his frustration over the day’s events. “You guys literally test me every goddamn day.”

Sousuke chuckled, covering his mouth with his hand.

“What are you laughing at?” snapped Rin. “This is a disaster!”

“Yeah.”

Still waiting for an answer or a punchline, Rin bucked his shoulders for Sousuke to continue.

To which he shrugged and said, “Oh, nothing. I just think they’re funny.”

“Oh my god,” groaned Rin.

A sense of freedom washed over the two kouhais, who both took in a relieved breath about not having to keep up the lies anymore. They looked at each other then and sort of smirked at each other. Nothing was fixed by confessing about the party and, now that they confirmed they were interested in each other, the dating jokes were probably only just beginning, but it was their truth and they just wanted to live in it. For a moment, neither of them wanted to feel anxious about what was going on around them, even as the team shouted more questions about why were they throwing a party in the first place or why were they showering together if they didn’t like each other then or why would they go to these extremes, dear god, and why weren’t they answering?!

Toru Iwashimizu, who knew very well that today was the first day of their relationship, called out to the team, “Let them have a day, guys. We’ll rag on them later.”

All Momo and Ai wanted was a simple moment together.

-

They lied on Nitori’s bed together on top of the sheets, facing each other with a quiet acceptance. So much chaos in one day, but for a moment, it didn’t matter. They could just enjoy being near each other. Give them a chance to get used to each other. Be with each other.

“I’m sorry I ruined today,” said Momotarou.

Nitori reached his hand out to Momo, twiddling their fingers.

“You didn’t really,” he said, accepting that fact. “You didn’t start those rumors.”

They scooted closer to each other, enough to press their chests together and nuzzle their necks like swans. Let them feel each other’s heartbeats, that’s all they wanted. Just enough to hear that they were still excited about each other even with clothes on, that their breathing was still deep for each other because they were comfortable in each other’s arms, that when it got quiet it was intimate, not awkward. Maybe they couldn’t have a first day, but they could have a first night.

“Can we kiss again?” asked Momo, who gently tucked some fallen bangs away from Nitori’s face in case he said yes and who noticed the faint blush creeping up his senpai’s ears.

“Sure.”

Their noses bumped, as they realized they weren’t sure how to tilt their heads for a kiss in bed. A soft giggle slipped out as Nitori pointed his finger to the right, and they both adjusted their heads for a second try. A sweet kiss for an evening, involving parted lips and heated cheeks.

Just a moment to relive that morning, that’s all they wanted.

Another kiss.