#but still it's funny to imagine the person who decided this was necessary

[myaccountexistsiguess]

Finally, a character customizer that suits my needs /j

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM SHREK 2 *  assorted dialogue from the 2004 film, adjust as necessary

it's so good to be home!

aren't you two a sight for sore eyes!

look at the time. i guess you'd better be going.

don't you want to tell me about your trip?

we need a little time, you know, to be together. just with each other.

you don't have to worry about a thing.

i will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.

i'll see you sunday for a barbecue or something.

royal ball? can i come?

don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?

stop it. they're not like that.

you could at least give them a chance.

who says i want to be a part of this family?

so that's it. you won't come?

we are not going. and that's final.

are we there yet?

that's not funny. that's really immature.

this is taking forever. there's no in-flight movie or nothing!

so... you still think this was a good idea?

happy now? we came. we saw them. now let's go.

quick! while they're not looking, we can make a run for it.

i'd like you to meet my husband.

what do you mean, "not on the list?" don't tell me you don't know who i am.

thanks for waiting. i had the hardest time getting into this place.

i suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children.

it's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

i only did that because i love her.

i'm here to make it all better.

i don't want to leave. when did you decide this?

do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what i wanted?

i've made changes for you, [name]. think about that.

i knew this would happen.

i think you're taking this a little too personally.

you act as if love is totally predictable.

is that you? my gosh! it's been years.

you've forced me to do something i really don't want to do.

my diet is ruined!

use your imagination.

i need to have someone taken care of.

who dares speak to me?

for this, i charge a great deal of money.

i was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier.

i don't know what came over me. do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over?

we passed that three times already!

don't get huffy! i'm only trying to help!

almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.

i do believe we can make this work to our advantage.

i would think you'd be happy for me.

i'm just thinking about what's best for you. maybe you should do the same.

pick me! i'll be your true love!

for you, baby... i could be.

if you really love her... you'll let her go.

just leave the bottle.

it was all just a stupid mistake.

i hate mondays.

i can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you.

he's gorgeous! he has a face that looks like it was carved by angels.

you know, shockingly, this isn't make me feel any better.

you better have a good reason for dragging us down here.

perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off?

you can't force someone to fall in love.

you're supposed to say i have the right to remain silent. nobody said i have the right to remain silent!

i am wearing ladies underwear.

we're going to need flour. lots and lots of flour.

i'm just playing the part.

is that glitter on your lips?

will you honor me with a dance?

let's crash this party!

you were supposed to give her the potion!

i'd hoped you'd never see me like this.

i just wish i could be the man you deserve.

if you kiss me now... we can stay like this.

whatever happens, i must not cry.

[desultory-novice]

Hi hi! I'm going to answer a couple of different video based asks all in one post because they all follow a similar theme~!

EDIT EDIT: I realized that no one could actually access the links because I took screenshots and added links to the video following each ask!

[VIDEO]

Oh yes! It was one of the first videos I watched when I decided to be brave and finally join the fandom! I remember really liking it, though I don't remember the video contents itself well...!

:cues up for a rewatch:

Heh! Heehee! It's still quite a lot of fun! Years later, I can notice clearly now that this video relies very strongly on what I understand is a controversial/outdated interpretation of Void lore based on the EN translation which is...well, it's the Star Allies English Translation... (As for the details of WHAT it got wrong, o~hhh, I'm not going to get into the Void stuff ~ You'll have to go to other Kirblrs for that! I'm too busy with fixating on my personal blorbos! XD ) However! The end bit about who Kirby is and what Kirby represents? That part of the video remains golden and is something I am 100% in agreement with!

Edit: I realize now you said "videos" and if they're the ones I'm thinking of, then I think I did watch the whole series back then and enjoyed it very much! Sorry for not giving my modern day thoughts on them individually. I didn't want to make you wait too long on this!

[VIDEO]

AH! I just saw this one a few months ago and YES! Yes yes yes! Ohhh, yessss! I agree! It's funny to watch this one back to back with Designing For's video about how the early games were kind of empty fluff compared to the lore-heavy Kumazaki era when Star Warper highlights one of my FAVORITE things that's been gone for so long!!

...I would be SO happy if they focused more on this kind of "natural" world building and character exploration. I suppose, if I have one criticism of Kumazaki, it's that he maybe TOO MUCH of a writer? It's okay to focus where he specializes in, and he's really good at it, but I hope that Star Allies "micro cutscenes" mean we might get them back in a new title, rather than a "last nod" to Kirby history...

This reminds me, I never did anything with this (got swept under by RL) but I came away from this video thinking that I would LOVE to make a series of cutscene animations for the games that don't have them! Just imagine what silly things Kirby or the rest of the characters are getting up to before handing the action back to you!

(Gosh... I don't think I have the experience necessary for this but... with all these collabs, I wonder if anyone would be interested in forming up a collab to make cutscenes for the games that don't have them? I don't know if there's that many animators in the fandom, maybe splash images would be enough? ...Interesting thought?)

But one last enthusiastic yes! As an outspoken fan of, "Show us the daily life of the people in Dream Land PLEASE" this video speaks to me. And I'm glad others feel this way!

[VIDEO]

I KNEW THIS WOULD BE THE CAKE SCENE! I LOVE THE CAKE SCENE! Honestly, I don't know anyone who doesn't just burst into kittens when faced with the cake scene...! It's so cute...! vvv

Speaking of the 25th Anniversary Concert, I have to share my other favorite moment and unfortunately I can't find the full video to refresh my memory (...pulled down for copyright, maybe?) but there was one silly moment when they asked Kirby how old he was, like HIM not the series, and he's like "...I'm 25! ^o^" and of course, it's silly and ridiculous and everyone laughed and for those fans who see Kirby as a very young child, it is just the picture of a child being silly and saying whatever but...as someone who always saw Kirby as growing up with me, I beamed a little with pride? XD

And I think that's the way it should be, maybe? The things Kirby says can be as interpretable as Kirby themselves! ...Reminds me of another quote from Kumazaki that he didn't want Kirby speaking (in Japanese) in the globally streamed 30th Anniversary concert as they did in the 25th because he wanted everyone across the globe to "understand Kirby equally." That if he talked in just one language, a limited number of people would understand him, and everyone should be able to see themselves in Kirby!

It was a very sweet gesture - even though I myself missed hearing Kirby talk in Japanese! Ahh well, at least I'm surrendering my bilingual priviledge card for a good reason! XD

[VIDEO]

OH! Ni~ce find, Anon!

I've seen the fan animation of the phone skit and one more but I was wondering where I might find the rest...! Thank you, video anon!

These are soo~ooo cute! And you're so right! Kawata-san's Kirby really is perfect! I say that feeling the same way about Oomoto-san's Kirby too though...! They're all perfect! This kind of voice (and short skit style) would be perfect for a series of official shorts imo! The kind of ones that occasionally get released on Twitter and the like. (Not that I don't already love the animations made by Courtesy!)

And ahhhh, it's so nice to hear Kirby speak full sentences too~ I really, really enjoy this interpretation of Kirby! I can't believe it's from as far back as 1994! Amazing! Truly amazing!

-

Thank you, anon(s) for the fun video links! And I hope everyone has fun watching them too if you're not familiar with everything listed here! If you ask me, everything here is worth a listen!

[tribbles-the-lesbian]

WH Instrument Headcanons/AU(???)

Ok,, okokokokokokokokokokok

This idea has been cooking in my brain nonstop for some time now and I'm finally going to post about it (i was putting it off for some reason??)

I decided a while ago to assign the neighbors a musical instrument based on their personalities/attitudes and "roles" in the neighborhood... so here it goes:3!!

⬇️The neighbor's instruments + my reasoning⬇️

Julie Joyful: flute and (possibly) piccolo

flutes players are often very high energy and also very sweet, so Julie is a perfect candidate in my eyes

the flutes are very hard to miss when everyone is playing, with their high melody ringing above it all

Sally Starlet: saxophone and trumpet

trumpet players are (more often than not) very egotistical, though this isn't always bad per say (saxophones can be this way depending on the person)

I feel like Sally would always try to take the spotlight in every song by playing louder than necessary, much like how trumpets and (occasionally) saxes are

Poppy Partridge: french horn

french horns are always extremely nice to everyone and (usually) kinda quite, both in playing and in personality, so our quite bird would be perfect for such an instrument

the french horn is also a more particular instrument, meaning the way you hold and the position of your hand in the bell it is very important and will change the tone

Poppy would take great care on the positioning of her wings in the bell, making sure not a feather is out of place to get the perfect pitch possible

Frank Frankly: clarinet

honestly, he's a clarinet because he reminds me of Squidward sometimes but Frank is ACTUALLY GOOD!!!

clarinets are also relatively normal, ya know, band-wise~

Eddie Dear: euphonium and french horn

the euphonium sounds deep and beautiful when the player practices and puts in the work, something I feel that Eddie would do (same with french horn)

it is often very hard to hear the euphoniums when all the band is playing, but you begin to notice their absence when they aren't there

Wally Darling: oboe

when there is an oboe in the band, they are who everyone tunes to, so it makes sense why Wally would play one (oboes are also notoriously difficult to tune themselves and it would be worse for Wally bc he might be a touch tone-deaf)

there aren't many instruments in bands that are like the oboes, considering they have a double reed (the only other instrument with that reed-type is the bassoon)

Barnaby B. Beagle: trombone and tuba

trombones are often very weird and goofy, sometimes in a bad way but sometimes in a good way

trombones have a lot of potential to make sounds that might be heard after a character in a show does something dumb or funny, so I imagine Barnaby just walks around with his just in case such a moment happens

I feel like Barnaby might play the tuba on the occasion, but it's not often

Howdy Pillar: tuba

tubas are a vital part of any band as they are the base/backbone of just about every piece of music; felt this fit Howdy since he's the only food market in the neighborhood and even though they're puppet, they still gotta eat, right??

tubas are also very large and Howdy is also very large and strong, so he can carry it pretty easily

[electronicwitchcollection]

Hey. So, I read accidental mate in the bleach tag and I wanted to tell you you’re insanely awesome. I have never in my life read a Y/N fic because it’s not my thing but you’re phenomenal. I’ve been visiting your page daily to see if you’ve been updating and saw your post which said you’d been too occupied by too many ideas which I completely understand and relate to so I’m waiting patiently for the day you decide to upload the rest of the chapters. They’re worth it. Like that scene when you understood that Grimmjow hadn’t kissed anyone ever and she adapts her kiss to suit him. What kind of genius was that? It was wonderful to read. Also, your Y/N is soooo not annoying. I always expect the MC to be too innocent or unaware but honestly I kinda love her and wish her and grimmjow a happy life at this point. I’ve been thinking about messaging you for a week but yeah. You’re a wonderful writer. Very engaging. Every character, particularly female, you write them superbly well. I’m in love. Thank you for writing. I can kinda see just why it’s necessary for people to write what they want because if you hadn’t published it I’d never have read it and that kinda makes me sad. So, yeah.

So I have read this about a dozen times, and I’m still yet to come up with any combinations of words to accurately describe how this has made me feel. All I can really say is thank you, thank you for your kind words and support. I’m literally blown away with your praise, I haven’t been able to take this grin off my face for the past two hours.

Honestly, I never imagined the amount of people this story would reach, and how many of those would love it as much as I do. I’m aware I’ve indulged heavily on Grimmjow’s more animalistic/hollow part of his personality, but I’ve seen so many amazing fan fiction that didn’t delve into it, that I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Reader figuring out Grimmjow had never kissed before was one of my personal favourites, but when I take the time to think about it, of corse he has never kissed anyone like that. He has been driven by his primal survival instincts for as long as he could remember, when would he have indulged in the practices of humans?

I once saw someone compare him to beast from beauty and the beast, and while it made for an interesting read, I could t associate the character with Grimmjow. The beast was a human, a prince. Grown up human and then transformed into a best. But he still has a man’s heart, his human brain. Grimmjow IS a beast. He has a hunters mind, a survivors heart, he’s only now learning about humans and their customs and adapting through it.

I also sometimes struggle with female OC’s / YN. Only because so many of them are either absolutely useless damsels in distress or some incredibly over powered, bad ass that it no longer makes sense with the fandom. So thank you, for realising how much effort I put into making a believable YN, someone who I hope most readers could associate with on some level. Is she so amazingly strong that she could take down Aizen with the snap of her fingers? No, of corse not, but that doesn't mean she doesn’t have her own strengths. Does she have flaws? Absolutely. Doesn’t mean she is powerless to help herself and others.

I actually loosely base all the female character off myself, as I find it easiest to put myself into the scenarios and decide how I would act. So the fact others are reading this loose representation of me, and like it! Finding her funny, relatable, kind and everything else, it honestly makes my heart want to burst.

Thank you again for reaching out, for making me so incredibly happy and proud of what I’m writing. Thank you to everyone who takes time out of their life to read what I write, to like share and comment on it. I love interacting with everyone and hearing what you love and other takes you have on the situation. I’m eager to write some more accidental mate tonight, encouraged by your love for the story. thank you 💜

[ladyjanesta]

A lot of the horror that's missed in 'modern' fiction is that the 'good guy' think's they can't do evil because they're the 'good guys' and I wish there was more of a focus on it.

With Good Omens, Aziraphale has been there in that spot for 200/250 years, and Maggie inherited that shop from her grandmother, could you imagine the dawning horror as Maggie finds pictures from 100/150 years ago with Mr Fell in them (as he is now). You'd write them off at first, he looks just like his grandfather! genetics are amazing aren't they.

Then seeing other pictures from Victorian times, not even posing shots outside the shop, Soho was always a bohemian hub so there's lots of area shots, just because...and Mr Fell is in a lot of them, because you can't lie to yourself now, that is Mr Fell, he still wears that waistcoat, that jacket...his mate Crowley is also in some of the shots, always wearing those dark, dark glasses.

Come to think of it, you've seen him in the coffee shop, around the bookshop, just in the area, for years and years, you've spoken to him, but you can't remember if you've ever seen his eyes...and isn't that weird...and at the next shopkeepers meeting, you sort of, bring it up, as a funny little thing...and the other shopkeepers go quiet and one by one they share their stories of...encounters with Mr Fell and his friend.

Lucky coincidences, sudden spates of extreme bad luck, conversations where they wanted to say one thing but suddenly find themselves saying something completely different and at first, they write it off, asking themselves why they said that, why they did that and there's a little mote of worry about their mental health...but it keeps happening, not all the time, but only when dealing with Mr Fell and his friend.

Then Aziraphale is himself, talking about past events like he was there, talks about truly miserable historic times like everyone was having a little row with one another and being bad sports, like the people in those times weren't real, like they were being difficult.

He asks for confirmation from Mr Crowley, who also talks like he was there, (and you can't see his eyes, you've never been able to see his eyes) and you decide to google the details and it all lines up every time and you see a Mr Fell in old, old books...or a Mr A Felle, or a Mr Afelle and that sinking feeling grows and grows...but, what can you do, who'd believe you, is it you? are you going mad? but that moment with the other shopkeepers, the little horrid club you suddenly realise you belong to fills you with a heady relief and a stomach dropping dread because what are they? what are they?

There's a few fics out there that touches on it and I've read a few of them and really enjoyed them! but they're always positive, or at least neutral about the whole situation and now with season 2 introducing the 'miracle blocker' it adds a whole other element of horror to it.

The 'miracle blocker' wasn't made specially for A&C, that's a establishment procedure, possibly to stop any demon or angel from messing in a specific area when there's a small plan in place (and we know there's small plans happening with A&C's little jobs around the world). We know that sometimes, other angels/demons go to do small/medium jobs on Earth which would make the blocker necessary...but what if A or C was casting a small emotional/mental changing miracle and they didn't notice it didn't quite work, or the blocker kicked in mid-miracle.

The person/s they did it too probably wouldn't be, at all okay for a long time, possibly forever...they start watching A&C, they start noticing things but what can they do? Who can they tell? A occasionally makes gangsters disappear (book cannon), what will they do to you!

[imjustabeanie]

Exchange for @frostfall-matches

Sorry for the long wait but here it is!

Your JJK match is....geto!

Your JJK match was actually very obvious. You’re someone who’s laid back and enjoys having fun with the right people. You’re a no BS person so you need someone playful, that can give you space and understand your point of view. That’s why Geto is in my opinion a great match.

I don’t usually give Geto for one reason, he’ll only bother to know you if you’re strong or someone from his past. While he was rather empathetic before his betrayal, his life crisis turned him to be rather cruel and manipulative. In result befriending him becomes difficult, you’ll need some mental gymnastics once he starts becoming genocidal….Let’s hope being morally grey helps it. That’s all for the realistic and depressive part of the relationship with geto so let’s get down to business shall we?

I also usually believes in friends before lovers so it’s a good thing tbh. I believe that Geto has flings but to get into a serious relationship you’ll need to befriend him first if you see what I’m getting at. You and Geto got to know each other after Gojo unlocked his technique and started working alone. Geto tried many teammates but seemed to get along with you the best. That’s why you became his non official teammate. It was obvious that you’d become rather close. At first he was put off (but pleased) by your independence and introvert nature. He felt like you would be a tough nut to crack which you were but then you gradually became more laid back. He appreciated you more after that because it was he went back in time when everything was easier and his goal was to have fun. He started to look forward to your missions because spending time with you was a breeze. That’s what made him fall. Having someone who can look after themselves and still be reckless like him? Heck yeah. He confessed rather spontaneously. It was after a fun mission and out of the blue.

Geto is a laid back boyfriend. He gets you and isn’t romantic in the traditional term. Yes he brings you flowers, chocolate and gifts on special occasions but he shows love by getting into your interest and acts of service. He makes missions a little bit easier and is always available if you want to talk. He’s the type of boyfriend to notice your mood from miles away and just brings you your favorite snack with a playful remark. He’s a gentle soul with his lover, especially once he lets his walls down. His favorite dates are on the extreme. He either takes you to explore dangerous places or have a domestic date. He likes to go hiking with you cuz it helps him destress. He also has a goal, to go to every dangerous attraction in each place you go to. Speaking of domestic dates, Geto likes cooking. And you like baking. Your date nights are delicious that’s for sure. They actually happen quite often because each night is a date night with enough determination. He likes unwinding by watching anime with you and playing with your piercings. And he definitely learned skin care from you and Gojo. Enjoy playing with his hair.

One thing Geto learned to carry with him is a first care kit. You’re clumsy and bring bad luck. While it’s funny he doesn’t want you to die cuz unlike Gojo you don’t have infinity shield. He also definitely tried to learn another language besides English (I imagine him trying French and it’d be so funny to hear him use the slangs..). Both of you need your alone time, you two agree on that so there’s absolutely no issue with it. Heck it’s necessary in my opinion I can’t even handle people on a bad day…Personal headcanon but I believe Geto sucks at anything hand related. He can mess up the easiest DIY and his creativity ends at black. He will try for you but it’d be the equivalent of a kid giving you a handmade gift. He really tried to make those aesthetic clay pancake holders but they came out so weird you don’t dare to bring it up again. Actually, you tease him about it and he just decides to carry hello kitty aid bands with him while teasing you about your height. You definitely steal his clothes and he calls you Raccoon. I am not joking but it’s better than monkey. Geto likes to tease you a lot. He even pranks you sometimes! He once messed up your latte and you messed up with his shampoo in return…a peace treaty was made that day. The only banter you two have is about cheese. He’s probably lactose intolerant due to his ethnicity and he calls it smelly. Geto drops it quickly cuz it’s more to mess with you, especially when he refuses to kiss you after you ate cheese.

Frankly, I totally see Geto having a tattoo on his body. Matching tattoos for you two I guess. He also doesn’t mind if your shared house becomes a jungle as long as it’s taken care of.

Your HSR match is...Jing Yuan!

In HSR, Jing Yuan is basically what you look for.  He’s a pretty boy. A playful and independent pretty boy who has all the time in the world for you to accept him. He’s patient and caring to his loved ones.

With his specie I wouldn’t be surprised that a fling for him is a slow burn for us…Just kidding. What I meant is Jing Yuan will definitely wait for you. He’s patient and determined. Once he knows you’re the one he knows. And he’ll have to trust you first before even falling in love.

Let’s be angsty, you reminded Jing Yuan of someone he met in the past. A dear friend who passed away. That’s why we can say that he got to know you purely out of nostalgia. That’s why he wasn’t fazed by your introverted nature and was patient enough for you to open up. After you opened up and showed your playful and troublemaking side, he felt really guilty and slowly let go of that nostalgia to fully focus on you. Having Jing Yuan act himself and stop trying to compare you to someone else really made the two of you closer. Especially when he confessed why he first befriended you. Thankfully you were understanding. Anger is normal in this situation and he completely understands that you might distance yourself after this. It was a long process but he somehow managed to convince you that it’s not the case anymore. That he stayed for all the fun and laughter you bring him. It was an indirect confession from him. To be honest, you and Jing Yuan acted like lovers before officially becoming an item. You two first avaient tester le terrain and then you put on the label.

Jing Yuan is a fun and traditional lover. Yes he’s the type to pamper you with gifts, especially when he’s away on business. He supports all your hobbies and would be happy to fund your lifestyle but understands that you’re independent so he doesn’t propose it. He’s not doing it to be condescending, it’s just his way of showing love. What an old man. Jing Yuan is busy so he believes that leaving things for you is a suitable remplavement till he can spend time with you. His favorite dates include walking in forgotten parts of Luofu and talking with you. He doesn’t mind you being reckless because it actually gets him to loosen up and have fun. Life is trilling when you’re in danger I guess. Fun fact, you two once wore a disguise so you can have fun without anyone recognizing you. It was a very nice day and you still do it from time to time. Jing Yuan also really likes your baking. He sucks at cooking so…Yanqing is very thankful for you. Your house is always lively with your banter. Jing Yuan often wakes up early just so he can admire you while you sleep but shhh.

This old man sucks at video games in general. He’s very good at anything strategy oriented but don’t count on him for pvp or even open world. He’ll try for you so it’s good. Ironically, he’s very lucky in all games. BUT! He’s good at arts and craft. He likes making DIY with you and often tries to make things for you when he’s away. He succeeded at what Geto failed.

Jing Yuan likes how independent you are but still worries for you given how clumsy you are. He insisted on teaching you some self-defense in case you get yourself in trouble and he can’t help. He also likes receiving gifts from you, he often fiddles with them when he can’t see you. He actually loves physical affection that’s why he gets restless when he can’t see you for a while. What a dork.

You and Jing Yuan talk each night, be it while cuddling or over the phone. The conversations are long and he shares his troubles with you. The best moments are when you talk about Luofu history together because he has a lot to share and in many languages. Be it the juicy gossip or the angsty moments. He even speaks about his dear old friend who passed away and explain why you reminded him of them. PS, his lion likes you. Cat people assemble.

Your twst match is...Floyd!

Your Twst match was quite complicated. I hesitated between Jack, Floyd and Jamil. As you can see they all have some flaws you don’t really like that’s why I asked you of it was alright with you. In the end I picked Floyd because Jamil has a lot of fake people pleasing behavior and hates being made aware of it. Meanwhile Floyd is fully aware and doesn’t care.

At first, Floyd didn’t notice you at all. You’re an introvert who’s content with their cycle of friends, plus you’re not in his vicinity. He caught wind of you when you got into trouble and used your smart to get away with it. You didn’t get away from his eye and he started bothering you like he bothers Riddle. You can’t blame him, you made him curious! Your behavior surprised him and he has to know more. You called him out but he wasn’t fazed, Floyd just wants to have fun. It was only once you relented and gave him a chance that he calmed down a little. He spent more time with you and encouraged you to be even more mischievous if we can say. And you somehow managed to tame him a little cuz he got into less trouble (with you around he even accepted to just watch anime, draw and you got him into video games). It was Jade who notified him of the changes which made Floyd self-reflect. You ever got a 6’4 super strong eel run at you to proclaim his love? He’s determined and willing to wait for you…good luck. Hey it’s coming from a good place.

Floyd is a….peculiar? boyfriend. He’s very moody, clingy and has room for more growth. You can’t say he’s hot headed, he’s…spontaneous. I believe that Floyd lives life as it is. He does what makes him happy without much a second thought. It does hurt some people in the long run but believe it or not he tries to make it better. He knows he won’t always get away with it that’s why he’s getting better at controlling himself I guess? Your presence definitely helps with this because he takes exemple of you. Floyd now thinks through more of his actions to avoid unnecessary drama. Octavinelle thanks you for this. He acknowledge that he’s a bit clingy towards you but thankfully you love physical touch. Floyd also needs his space on bad days that’s why he let you have alone time when you want. But you have to tell him or he’ll think you’re just teasing him.

Floyd shows his love through acts and physical affection. He’s very big onto PDA and genuinely believes that giving you guard dog privileges is actually a sign of love. Oh and he also brings you random trinkets he made, or bought (he buys you high quality shoes for your birthday since his father said that shoes are important and you have to get good quality to be perceived well). When I said made, it’s cuz I believe Floyd is very good at DIY. His attention spawn is short and as shown in the game he’s good at anything if he puts his mind to it. I can totally see him building something for you out of the blue because he feels like it. He also makes sure to always stock up your favorite foods and bring you a free latte from the lounge each morning (he wants your sweets in exchange). Floyd loooves being with you in the kitchen cuz it always turns into a little food war! You still get to eat delicious food in the end and he gets to tease Azul with your delicious baking (he’s dieting leave him alone).

Dates with Floyd are spontaneous. If you want something planned you better organize it because he’s the type to just grab your hand and go on an adventure. He promised that you two would explore the whole sea together one day and is planning to keep this promise, he even keeps a journal with all the places you visited so he can keep track. In exchange, he wants you to show him all activities you two adrenaline junkies can enjoy. It’s a win win. At home, he wants nothing more than to cuddle and watch animes/movies with you while snacking. He also likes playing video games with you (he once missed revising for a test cuz he was playing all night. Azul wasn’t happy with both of you but jade found it funny). Fun fact, you and Jade get along due to your interest in hiking and plants. While Floyd joins you for hiking he is absolutely ready to shove his brother off the cliff if he continues talking about mushrooms. At least you got a terrarium gifted by Jade I guess.

After Floyd saw your piercings, he was determined to get one and he did (probably a nose then tongue one but he takes them off often). He also wants to get a tattoo but doesn’t know what or where (and if it’ll appear well on his merform). I headcanon that Floyd and jade are polylingual due to their upbringing so you two definitely can have fun with that. Heck he might even be willing to learn a new language so you two can talk shit about people without them understanding. Speaking of talking shit…Floyd has all the tea curtesy of Jade and Azul. He’ll share everything. In general, a relationship with Floyd is very playful but also requires patience because as I said he has a lot of room for self-growth in certain aspects that can be perceived as childish by some.

[urfavtata]

I want to introduce to my male OC

faceclaim: Rudy Pankow

Basic Info

Full Name: Alex Matteo

Nickname: Alex

Age: 23 years old

Date of Birth: July 15, 2000

Place of Birth: Los Angeles, California, USA

Gender/Pronouns: Male (he/him)

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Relationship: Single

Species: Human

Ethnicity: American-Italian

Blood Type: O positive

Likes:

Music (playing guitar, going to concerts)

Movies and TV shows

Sports (basketball, soccer)

Traveling

Spending time with friends and family

Dislikes:

Injustice

Arrogant people

Crowded places

Standing still

Routine

General Appearance:

Light blonde brown hair

Blue eyes Average height (1.75 m)

Body Athletic

Casual and laid-back style

General Personality:

Extroverted and sociable

Funny and playful

Loyal and protective

Determined and ambitious

A little impulsive

Hobbies:

Playing guitar

Watching movies and series

Playing sports

Traveling

Reading

Occupation: Film student (aims to become a director)

Strengths:

Creative and imaginative

Communicative and persuasive

Born leader

Determined and persistent

Good at solving problems

Weaknesses:

Impulsive and impatient

Stubborn and proud

Sometimes gets carried away by emotions

Can be a little self-centered

Lack of experience

Physical Traits + Appearance

Alive/Dead: Alive

Height: 1.80 m

Weight: 80 kg

Hair Color: Light Blonde Brown

Hairstyle: Short and messy, with some strands falling over the forehead

Eye Color: Blue

Body Type: Athletic and muscular, with broad shoulders and a slim waist

Other Physical Characteristics:

Wolf tattoo on the right arm

Scar on the left side of the face, the result of a motorcycle accident

Wears tactical and functional clothing, such as cargo pants, a t-shirt, bulletproof vest and military boots

Backstory

Childhood and Adolescence:

Alex Matteo was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. He is the son of Italian immigrant parents who worked hard to provide him with a good life.

Alex was always an active and adventurous boy. He loved sports, especially basketball and soccer. He was also a brilliant student and had a special interest in history and literature.

During his teenage years, Alex got into some trouble. He was a bit rebellious and would often get into fights. However, he also had a good heart and was always willing to help others.

Enlistment in the Army:

After graduating from high school, Alex decided to enlist in the army. He wanted to serve his country and make a difference in the world.

Alex underwent rigorous training and became an elite soldier. He was known for his courage, determination, and leadership skills.

Alex served in several missions around the world, including Iraq and Afghanistan. He saw the horrors of war firsthand and it changed him forever.

Return to Civilian Life:

After several years of serving in the military, Alex decided to return to civilian life. He enrolled in college and began studying film.

Alex was still traumatized by his experiences in the war, but he was determined to move forward with his life. He joined a support group for veterans and began therapy.

Alex met Sam, an army medic, and fell in love with her. Sam helped him overcome his trauma and find a new purpose in life.

Return to the Army:

When a new threat emerged, Alex decided to return to the military. He knew his skills and experience were needed to protect his country.

Alex joined a special operations unit and was sent on a dangerous mission. He and his team had to infiltrate enemy territory and eliminate a terrorist leader.

The mission was a success, but Alex was seriously injured. He spent months recovering in the hospital, but eventually made a full recovery.

Present:

Alex continues to serve in the military and is determined to make a difference in the world. He knows that war is a necessary evil, but he hopes that one day the world can live in peace.

Alex is a decorated war hero and a respected leader. He is a role model for all who know him.

[rexscanonwife]

3rd AU! Also could I "steal" (with credit) this idea from you, I also have several AUs I would like to talk about 👀 - clownie

@circusgoth-dotcom yes ABSOLUTELY you can take it! And I invite anyone else who wants to do it to feel free :3

send me a number between 1-7 and I'll tell you about a self ship AU!

Number 3 is...ROYALTY/BODYGUARD AU! 👑

UGH this is one of my favorites that I really wanna do more art for sometime soon! Essentially in this AU, Brea is not a Jedi but instead the force-sensitive queen of a planet that I've decided to call Helios (subtle, I know). They're a neutral system, but due to being rich in valuable resources, probably some sort of hydrogen-like element that can be refined and used for weapons or money, Count Dooku and his army invade and intend to bully them into submission.

Enter Anakin and the 501st!

After arriving, however. they find that Dooku's forces were a little more well-equipped than they were prepared for 😅 the boys in blue are overwhelmed and the planet is taken, but they manage to rescue the queen! She obviously doesn't want to leave her citizens behind, but they insist that she accompany them to Coruscant so that she can plead her case to the Senate for more assistance in liberating her planet. In the meantime, Dooku could potentially still be after her or even send his minions out to make an attempt on her life...so she'll need to be guarded, right?

Palpatine probably personally asks Anakin to spare one or two of his own men to guard her, his BEST if he can part with them...and Anakin would never refuse Palpatine directly > _ > not sure what Palpie's endgame is, maybe to weaken the 501st a little bit to give the separatists an edge, maybe just for a laugh and to see what happens! Who knows, but Anakin asks Rex to be the one to look after her who, albeit reluctantly, agrees.

You can imagine he's none too pleased about it either 😅😅 he's extremely formal and professional at first, only speaking when necessary and following close behind her but not TOO close. It's not that he isn't honored and stuff but he feels that his place should be on the battlefield! He can't help but think about his men out there without him, putting their lives on the line. And after spending quite a bit more time together (basically 24/7 being that he stands outside her door while she sleeps) he realizes that she feels the SAME way about her people, who she'd do anything for. That's when the feelings start to develop :3c

I think it starts one night while she's having dinner, she's invited him to join her at the table before but he usually insists he's fine standing and having rations instead. This time she kinda ORDERS him to sit, and for the first time like...ever he takes off his helmet and she sees his face for the first time. I don't think she's seen a clone's face before, so she probably mentions that he's very handsome and he probably shoots back like "what, did you think I looked like a Hutt under there?" Which shows he has a funny side, and they finally start to connect on a deeper level. From there you know how slippery a slope it is to romantic feelings and longing gazes and probably even stolen kisses!! I haven't thought too much about all that yet but I want to, and I've rambled on long enough > u <

[winstein-nin]

Logical Lookalike

It's a reference to Mario Party 2, where in Mystery Land, the Koopa Troopa thought the silhouette looks like a cow, and personally, I can see how Bowser and a cow can look very similar.

This is from one of my observations that I have made on Bowser when I did the Mario in Garfield artsyle, which will eventually be submitted in a separate post. What I found out is how much Bowser resembles a bull, which is no doubt because Miyamoto wanted the villain to be modelled after the Ox King. It must be why he retains a lot of characteristics of bulls, particularly his head shape that includes the horns, which reptiles do not have, and if they do, they would be the same colour like the chameleons. Even his snout is rather bull-like. The only thing that I recently learned that is inspired by something else is the nose, which is tiger-like instead. In any case, I just decided to finish the cartoon.

The artstyle for this specific cartoon is experimental and not my regular style of drawing. I decided to do this because my quick sketch of Daisy yielded a satisfactory result, which is why her faces are so different from my regular fare. Plus, Bowser with a funny face is something that comets from it, where instead of using his face to produce the necessary expression, a less-regular expression is used to convey annoyance. And then there's Kamek who withdraws in his shell that you can't see, which he never does officially but I imagine that it is possible to do.

The colours are given a slight cream filter to give it a faded look, though it's only the colours (the lines are still black). The result, in my opinion, makes it look a bit classic, but maybe I should have added a noise filter to make the effect more pronounced.

Thank you for reading.

[hebimoonlightwrites]

Hiya, can I request headcanons for Rokuta, Ryu, Kenta, and Kantaro with an S/O that's constantly tired and they carry around a pillow and blanket just to sleep on the floor if necessary?

Apologies if this is an odd request and thanks.

Writer's corner: Hi, sweetheart! I had my requests closed when your request arrived, but I felt too much sad to decline it, so I decided to keep it and to write it after a while! So sorry again for that! Hope you'll enjoy this and please, let me know if you want me to change something! Also I'll make it gn!, hope you're fine with it! Enjoy~

Warnings: none

⋆𝐑𝐨𝐤𝐮𝐭𝐚, 𝐑𝐲𝐮, 𝐊𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐊𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨⋆ 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐠𝐧!𝐬/𝐨 𝐰𝐡𝐨'𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰

⋆At first Rokuta looked at mc with a surprised but curious expression

⋆He didn't really understand why they had brought a pillow in the train

⋆After a while, when he saw them slowly falling asleep on it while they were still sitting in the train beside him,

⋆He giggled and decided to move their head until they had it against his shoulder

⋆People were looking at them with a curious and embarrassed expression

⋆So Rokuta even decided to grab that pillow his lover had bought with them and to put it away

⋆He didn't understand why people were looking at mc that way

⋆It was cute to see someone as adorable as them sleeping in a train

⋆But he didn't want them to be embarrassed at all

⋆He loved them, after all

⋆After some weeks together as a couple, though, Rokuta started playfully joining them

⋆He considered that lazy part of his lover as the funniest and sweetest

⋆He loved when they fell asleep and he could caress their hair and cheeks

⋆It was lovely

⋆But Rokuta has always been such a giant kid

⋆So it's not awkward to think that he'd join mc without feeling embarrassed

⋆He would even bring a pillow for himself as well!

⋆So he could fall asleep with mc when they are out!

⋆I cannot stop headcanoning them both falling asleep on a couch, hugging each other, during a party

⋆Maybe even during Dope Show-

⋆Okay, it would be funny

⋆I also imagine Rokuta hugging mc while sleeping 'cause he's a GIANT, MY GOD-

⋆He's tall as f6ck! Lol!

⋆In conclusion, he'd be the first person mc would see after waking up, no doubt.

⋆"Good morniiiinggg! Are you hungry? Can we get karaage? Pleaaaaaseee~"

⋆Ryu-kun looooooves funny stuff

⋆So we can all agree with the fact that he wouldn't think that it's strange

⋆He would laugh, of course, seeing his babe falling asleep and carrying around a pillow

⋆But I'm sure he would soon join them

⋆'cause it's said that Ryu-kun's routine is basically playing with pets and sleeping

⋆Sooo..

⋆Yeah, I guess both mc and Ryu would be a great couple!

⋆They both would fall asleep even when they're out

⋆"AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH, Babe! Ryu-kun thinks it's funny to see your sleeping face against that pillow~"

⋆He'd even try to make some pranks while they're sleeping

⋆And, I'm sorry but I totally imagine him waking mc up pouring some water on their face

⋆Poor little mc! They were trying to sleep but Ryu-kun decided to annoy them!

⋆"AWWW COME ON, BABEEE... Let's do something fun~"

⋆"I can't, I'm dying-"

⋆If you know this meme, well...

⋆Those are definitely mc and Ryu during days

⋆When he wants to do something fun and mc is sleepy and carries around their usual pillow

⋆Well, I can imagine Ryu gently grabbing that pillow

⋆"AHAHAHAHAHAH take it if you can!"

⋆And then starting running, chased after by an angry mc who only wants to sleep in peace

⋆When Ryu-kun doesn't have intention to bother mc with his pranks

⋆I think he'd simply lay beside them, pocking gently their cheek and smiling softly

⋆"How can Ryu-kun's babe be so adorable? You better being dreaming of Ryu-kun~~"

⋆Kenta seriously thought it was annoying at first that mc carried a pillow around only to sleep

⋆He thought it was stupid

⋆Oh well..

⋆That's what he used to say

⋆Actually in deep he thought it was cute

⋆When mc went to visit him in prison and then while Kenta was randomly talking about hacking they fell asleep on his bed with that pillow..

⋆Kenta couldn't help but loudly sigh while he was looking at them

⋆Then turning again to his PC only to say:

⋆"What a fool and lazy b1tch.."

⋆But his heart was actually beating faster and his mouth was breaking into a soft smile

⋆He actually really loved to see them sleeping peacefully

⋆They weren't scared of him..

⋆They slept peacefully, truanting their hacker boyfriend

⋆An hacker who was the smartest in the world

⋆Who was a prisoner..

⋆They were soooo fool..!

⋆So adorably fool he couldn't hold a giggle when he saw their adorable sleeping expression

⋆Kenta didn't join them sleeping when they were outside

⋆But did join mc when they fell asleep ob his cell's bed

⋆He wrapped his arms around their body, only to get lost in their scent, closing his eyes

⋆In the middle of the dark he opened his eyes, trying to look at mc's face

⋆They were still sleeping

⋆"... God-.. You'll bring me to become fooler than you one day... Heh..♡"

⋆Kantaro is always so amused by the fact that mc always carries a pillow around!

⋆I'm sure he would have asked them the reason at least once!

⋆"Oh! That's because you're always tired?.. Ahaha! It's funny!"

⋆Of course I don't think he would consider it to be awkward

⋆He would break into a laugh each time but not because he wants to make fool of mc

⋆But because he thinks it's adorable how his partner quite reminds him of a baby needing to sleep

⋆Also I'm sure he had taken some pics of mc sleeping at least once!

⋆But not with the intention to post them

⋆But to keep them all secretly into his smartphone's gallery

⋆Kantaro would keep those photos jealously

⋆So it'd be troubles for people who'd find that secret pics folder!

⋆Oh well..

⋆It's actually pretty difficult to get Kantaro's phone but..

⋆You know, just in case~

⋆I'm sure he would look at those pics when he's far from mc, maybe during one of VISTY's tour

⋆He would break into a:

⋆"AWWW THEY'RE SO CUTEE"

⋆each time he'd see mc's sleeping face

⋆When he's about to go on a vacation with mc, he'd care to bring that pillow

⋆Since he loves mc a lot and knows how that pillow is important for his lover

⋆Kantaro would ask mc:

⋆"Sooo we're ready to goooo! Yaaayy!.. OH. BABE.. Are you bringing your pillow? Don't forget it~"

⋆Besides I totally headcanon that Kantaro would crawl into mc's arms while they're sleeping

⋆He would definitely fall asleep there, relaxed by mc's body's warmth

⋆"Heh!.. Sweet dreams, love..!"

©hebimoonlightwrites_tumblr Please, do not copy my contents nor repost it without my permission.

[dkniade]

Hidden Strife Dialogue Editing Exercise

I feel the dialogue between Adelinde, Traveler, and Paimon at the beginning of Hidden Strife is too wordy, so this is an editing exercise to make it as concise as possible while still retaining the scene’s original purpose.

I thought to myself “Wouldn’t it be funny if 30 lines of dialogue could be expressed in 5”, and lo and behold:

EDITED DIALOGUE / OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT / NOTES

EDITED DIALOGUE

PAIMON: What a hot day. A glass of ice-cold fruit juice would be the perfect thing to cool down with... Ohh, but we seem to keep missing out on the discount grape juice at Dawn Winery. 

TRAVELER: If we leave right now, maybe we'll get there in time.

.

(Approach the front door of the manor)

ADELINDE: Good day to you both. To what do we owe the honor today? 

PAIMON: We always miss the Winery's discount grape juice. Can you reserve a bottle for us? 

ADELINDE: Of course I can! But I'm afraid you may be in for quite a wait. Dawn Winery's discount grape juice takes a long time to make, since Master Diluc hand-picks two barrels of the finest grapes every summer.

PAIMON: So is Diluc picking grapes right now?

ADELINDE: Not yet. He has a few more issues to sort out first. 

TRAVELER: What "issues"?

ADELINDE: As you know, whenever Master Diluc catches wind of any unsavory guests in Mondstadt, he goes and, ahem, "greets" them in person. 

PAIMON: "Unsavory guests"? 

TRAVELER: Guess it has something to do with Diluc's part-time job. 

ADELINDE: He should be somewhere near Falcon Coast, though I'm not sure how long he'll be...

TRAVELER: In that case — We can't sit here and do nothing.

PAIMON: The sooner Master Diluc is free, the sooner we can get a taste of that delicious grape juice, hehe. Come on, (Traveler), let's go to Falcon Coast!

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT

PAIMON: What a hot day. It sure feels like summer now!

PAIMON: A glass of ice-cold fruit juice would be the perfect thing to cool down with... just saying...

PAIMON: Speaking of which, we seem to keep missing out on the discount grape juice at Dawn Winery.

PAIMON: Paimon has a hunch that today will be the day... If we leave right now, maybe we'll get there in time!

PAIMON: Shall we get going, (Traveler)?

.

(Approach the front door of the manor)

ADELINDE: Good day to you both. It's been quite a long time. You're looking well, as ever.

PAIMON: Hi, Adelinde!

ADELINDE: To what do we owe the honor today? Important business to discuss with Master Diluc, I presume?

TRAVELER: Grape juice, actually…

PAIMON: That's right. Adelinde, since we've run into you, maybe we could just get you to help us with this one?

PAIMON: We always miss the Winery's discount grape juice, so this time we decided to come here early...

PAIMON: Can you reserve a bottle for us? We'll pay a deposit, just name the price!

ADELINDE: Of course I can, and no deposit necessary!

ADELINDE: But I'm afraid you may be in for quite a wait. Dawn Winery's discount grape juice takes a long time to make.

ADELINDE: Every summer, Master Diluc hand-picks two barrels of the finest grapes to turn into juice.

PAIMON: What? Why sell the good stuff at a low price? Shouldn't the best grapes be the most expensive?

ADELINDE: Master has never explained his reasoning. If I had to guess...

ADELINDE: The discount could be a marketing technique. Special deals always attract customers.

ADELINDE: Perhaps Master hopes to increase the popularity of fruit juice, so that people have more options when it comes to drinking.

ADELINDE: It makes an ideal alternative for the heaviest drinkers, because they won't get drunk and start causing mischief. At the same time, those who don't drink alcohol get the chance to try something new.

TRAVELER: Wouldn't that harm the Winery's business...?

ADELINDE: Master Diluc isn't all about money. I think he would prefer to see people drinking in moderation than chase bigger profits at any cost.

ADELINDE: Imagine if everyone could just enjoy a nice glass of wine and have a good time while keeping their wits about them and not creating trouble for others... Now wouldn't that be a miracle?

PAIMON: Wow, Master Diluc's such a thoughtful guy...

PAIMON: So, is Diluc picking out this year's grapes right now?

ADELINDE: Not just yet. He has a few more issues to sort out first. He'll start the process as soon as those are out of the way.

ADELINDE: If you're interested, I'm sure Master Diluc would be delighted to see you and hear your thoughts.

TRAVELER: What "issues"?

ADELINDE: As you know, whenever Master Diluc catches wind of any unsavory guests showing up in Mondstadt, he takes it upon himself to go and, ahem, "greet" them in person. It's the same story today.

ADELINDE: He should be somewhere near Falcon Coast. I'm not sure how long he'll be... In the meantime, would you like to take a seat inside?

ADELINDE: I have to stay here and wait for some other guests, but Hillie and Moco will be glad to take care of you.

PAIMON: "Unsavory guests"? What is that supposed to mean...?

TRAVELER: Guessing it has something to do with Diluc's part-time job.

PAIMON: Huh? You mean the Darkn—

PAIMON: Uhhhh... the dark 'n' evil Abyss Order are up to no good again?

PAIMON: In that case — Master Diluc's our friend, we can't sit here and do nothing!

ADELINDE: If you're happy to help, that would be wonderful. Master trusts you, after all, and you're both very capable.

ADELINDE: I know he'd appreciate a helping hand.

PAIMON: No biggie! The sooner Master Diluc is free, the sooner we can get a taste of that delicious grape juice, hehe.

PAIMON: Come on, (Traveler), let's go to the Falcon Coast!

NOTES

My objectives are as follows: 

cut out as many lines as possible while keeping the original meaning clear and concise

distribute some of Paimon’s lines to the Traveler

make minor grammar edits but no rewording dialogue

assume the official English translation is accurate

pick one dialogue branch

Before editing, I read through the original conversation and noted down what the three characters want to do: 

Paimon wants grape juice

the Traveler wants to know what Diluc is up to

Adelinde wants to explain the grape juice isn’t ready yet because Diluc is dealing with enemies at Falcon Coast. 

The Traveler’s goal was hard to pinpoint since they don’t speak much in the conversation, but it seems they’re concerned with issues Diluc runs into, in terms of the winery’s business and his dealings with the Abyss Order. 

What else is there to say… I’ve always felt it’s really odd for Adelinde to talk about the Dawn Winery’s business plans for so long when she only needs to inform Paimon that the discount juice is not ready yet. She also hints at Diluc’s work as the Darknight Hero against troublemakers in Mondstadt, meaning Adelinde, Paimon, and the Traveler are all aware of his identity as the Darknight Hero. It’s unnecessary for Paimon to bring it up again.

Paimon also says a lot of things that the Traveler could just say by themselves, even if I portray the Traveler in a quiet manner.

It’s quite amazing how much I can cut out without the dialogue sounding too choppy. This was a fun exercise for the evening.

[notdoneintentionally-blog]

Conversations in the dissection room.

Rating: 18+ Explicit

Relationship: Ann/Aguni (yes, as weird as it seems, THERE’S A POINT TO IT OKAY)

Tags: explicit description of corpses, gore, body horror, angst 

Notes:  THIS WAS DONE FOR A CHALLENGE. my friends and I decided it’d be funny to put all the AiB characters’ names in a roulette, spin it twice and write a fic shipping those two characters AND I GOT AGUNI AND ANN. I DO NOT ship them personally but the winner of the challenge got a free meal and as a college student that sounded like heaven to me so enjoy (or don’t) this monstrosity.

The light is buzzing in the dissection room; the skin on his chest splits easily under her scalpel, allowing the two necessary cuts for the T-shaped incision. He’s still beneath her touch, as any dead person should be, though she believes that even if he were alive he’d be equally unresponsive.

She’s told Hatter she’d be embalming his body, but that’s not something taught in med school and Hatter won’t care as long as she disposes of him afterwards, so she’s doing the only thing she knows and dissecting him like any other person who’s had the misfortune of arriving to her dissection room. It’s the only way she knows how to say goodbye, too.

Ann had never been bothered by working with corpses, but she’d never been able to get used to watching the disrespect they were treated with. Med students throwing small balls of fat at each other and laughing. Forensic doctors commenting on how ‘she had such an ass’ or how ‘he was fat as hell’. Beach members looking as though they’re about to be sick every time they have to fetch her from the dissection room and they catch a glimpse, just a glimpse, of a corpse.

She’s taking him apart now. Her fingers twitch slightly as she separates the flaps of skin to expose the layer underneath, feeling how malleable he is under her touch, how in death he’s softer than he ever was when he was alive. It’s more ironic that she might be gentler with him now than she ever was when he was alive.

‘I hope you’re still here’ she thinks. ‘Looking at me and waiting for me to treat your body before you move on’.

“I’m going to take care of you,” she whispers, her voice camouflaged amidst the buzzing noise. “You deserve someone taking care of you even if it’s too late now, Aguni.”

The blade digs into his chest.

    —----

“Aguni,” she whispers, breaking the silence of the room. They’d been pretending to sleep for a while now, an arm was draped around Ann’s body more out of habit than comfort, as if by following familiar patterns they could be convinced everything was alright. “There has to be something we can do.”

The sheets shuffle, and the hand on her waist stiffens. “Sleep. Just sleep.”

“You’re the leader of the militants and they respect you, maybe—”

“Ann, just go to sleep,” he says, voice gruff. ‘Let this go,’ she hears. “This doesn’t concern us.”

“If not us, then who?”

There’s a sigh coming from the other side of the bed, just a second before he stands up to raise the blinds. Aguni knows she isn’t one to drop a subject. Neither like talking at night with the ceiling lights on, and there’s enough illumination coming from the window; the moonlight and the spotlights from the nearest games mixing to create a silver-bluish glow on Aguni’s skin, accentuating the lines of his muscles and reflecting on his eyes. They’re usually so dark and stoic but now that a sliver of light crosses them, almost coinciding with the line of his scar, they seem more candid, more innocent. The look he might have had during the early Beach days, if only she’d been paying attention at the time to notice.

She would’ve liked to see him like that. Less guarded. More careless. Hopeful. It was nice to imagine him like that, though he seemed the kind of person that had the weight of the world thrust upon him from an early age and he refused to put it down. As if by letting it go he’d collapse too.

Until now. She could hear the pleading in his voice. ‘Let this go. We’ve done enough.’

“The militants are getting harder and harder to control each day,” says Aguni. “Niragi and Last Boss are psychopaths, pure psychopaths, and they’re starting to get away with everything. You saw what happened with the climber girl down at the pool—”

“And it was resolved immediately.”

“Because she was lucky,” he snaps. “The runt of her boyfriend stepped in to protect her and before Niragi could shoot the idiot, Takeru appeared to save them both. They were lucky, Ann. If it had been anyone else you’d have two more corpses in your room.”

“Have there been any more incidents?” she asks, and he scoffs.

“Do you think Niragi’s going to tell me how many girls he’s tried to rape this week? Or do you think I talk with Last Boss about what he does with the.. the livers or whatever the fuck that freak likes to eat from dead bodies?”  

Ann looks away. “Aguni, you’ve worked in the yakuza. You’ve been around men who hold a disregard for rules and work in an environment where this is rewarded rather than punished. You can imagine the kinds of things these men would do to people if they were in the borderlands, what they’d do to women, especially. Morality only exists in masses. That’s why we need the Beach, why we made it in the first place, and why we can't abandon it now.”

Suddenly, the chair creaks from the force he uses to stand up. “Are you hearing yourself?” asks Aguni, incredulous. “Takeru’s killing everyone he thinks is a traitor. The militants do whatever the fuck they want to. None of the other executives gives two fucks about anything. The Beach’s gone to shit.”

—---

Ann pauses, taking a second to admire her handiwork. She’s removed all the layers of adipose tissue from the anterior side of his torso and now she’s met with the sight of his exposed muscles, his pectorals and the external oblique of the abdomen.

The corpse is fresh, so when she presses a finger to his left pectoralis major it squelches, oozing liquid that trickles across the union of both pectorals and slides down to the fascia. His muscles are hard, yet pliant under her touch. In a few days they’ll start to dry and lose mass, until someone like Aguni, who once punched a tiger, will have muscles no thicker than a piece of paper. For now she can place both of her palms against them and feel how full they are, how there’s parts of him clinging to remnants of life. It’s exhilarating.

There’s a certain intimacy in being able to see facets of him that will remain exclusive to her. Not even Aguni will hold the knowledge of how he looks from inside. She’ll be able to reach beneath the abdominal aponeurosis and find out if he has a pyramidal muscle, lacking in about 20% of the population. She’ll be able to finally find out whether his frequent complaints about his feet aching are caused by plantar fasciitis or overpronation.

The best part, though, will be his arms. Ann can barely contain her excitement when she thinks about getting to his forearms and pulling at the tendons in them, making this lifeless body move for her, his fingers flexing under her control. It’s a good thing she’s leaving them for last, because that way, there’s no risk that in her frenzy she’ll skip over other parts. Aguni wouldn’t deserve that.

It’s a two-way deal, an equivalent exchange. Ann gets to know him like no one ever will, gets to handle him however she pleases, and in return, Aguni is cared for. There’s someone waiting with him until he crosses the border that separates limbo from death, taking their time to honour him. His body is safe, respected. He can let go. She’s got him.

This does not quell the feeling of guilt curling insidiously in her stomach.

—----

“You were fully aware managing the Beach wasn’t going to be easy,” she replies, accusation evident in her voice. “We both knew, that’s why we started this whole ordeal. The first time we met to talk about the Beach’s internal affairs, do you remember?”

He shakes his head and looks away, his shoulders stiffening. “Vaguely.”

She doesn’t remember all the details either. There had probably been a meeting, one she’d exited feeling exasperated and frustrated, at Niragi’s malice, or Chishiya’s apathy, or Kuzuryuu’s detachment, or at the fact that every single one of the executives clearly had their own agenda and Hatter either didn’t notice or pretended not to. She just remembers the subtle gesture of Aguni’s head after the meeting had finished, his eyes fixed on her with an expression she couldn’t quite place before he disappeared into the hallways of the annex, only to find him later in the dissection room, his dark clothes and tan complexion a startling contrast to the brightness of the ceiling lights.

“You came to see me and told me I was right about how lacking our health system was. I offered you a plan, and you offered me resources. I asked—”

“Ann…”

“I asked,” she carries on, impatiently, “why you cared about the Beach’s health system, and you told me—”

“You don’t have to remind me, I was th—”

“You told me ‘someone has to run the Beach, because Hatter isn’t going to do it’. Isn’t that still true? Aren’t we still allies?”

“Allies,” he spits out the word like it’s an insult. But that’s what they were.

No one had known about them. She wasn’t even sure there was something to know, since they weren’t actively hiding anything. There wasn’t a secret code they used, they didn’t communicate outside their visits and if Aguni ever took precautions to come down to the dissection room when the rest of the executives wouldn’t notice, he never told her. Were they subtle? They must have been, for Mira or Chishiya not to pick up on what was happening behind the scenes. They exchanged looks during meetings, Ann ran her finger across the rim of her sunglasses and Aguni crossed his arms over his chest whenever there was something they didn’t agree with, but neither said anything until they arrived at the dissection room, where a light was cast over their true intentions.

She’d never expected to have Aguni as an ally, of all people. She’d seen how, eventually, the rest of the executives found a companion to serve their purposes, but she couldn’t see how any of them truly considered each other allies. Niragi and Last Boss’ relationship was tenuous at best, two people with shared sadistic tendencies who found safety in numbers away from the judging eyes of the rest; Kuzuryuu and Mira seemed to share an unspoken tolerance to each other — better together than alone — but still lacking something to even be called companionship, and Chishiya’s bond to Kuina ran deeper than whatever he had fooled himself into believing. She wasn’t interested in all the added complications of these not-quite-allyships, and even if she found someone who did interest her enough, she knew herself enough to know she’d never be able to trust them fully, especially in such a place as the borderlands were. Her wary nature would always cause her to look behind her shoulder, defeating the singular purpose of having an ally.

But there was no other way to define them. Allies. Not in the games, they’d never met at one, but in the far more challenging hotel resort. Sometimes it felt like they were continually living in a hearts game, balancing how their plans could be viewed by each executive and figuring out ways of getting past the scrutiny of their leader while still reaching decisions that could benefit the lower-ranking Beach members.

However, it wouldn’t be accurate to say it hadn’t gone beyond that at times. There were nights when Ann returned from an especially hard game and her fingers dug like claws into his body, nails hooking into the spaces between his ribs and lips attaching themselves to the pulse point on his neck. His heart hammered against her tongue and every feeling she kept locked inside her welded into a jumbled mess she couldn’t make sense of until she released them with a cry and Aguni’s name. But those things happened at night, when everything was blurry and choppy and the rush of adrenaline made it easy to forget any specific details, so they treated them as nothing more than dreams and went on about their day normally.

“Allies,” she repeats, mouth suddenly dry.

Aguni steps forwards and kneels in front of her, taking her hands in his, gripping them tightly in his thick fingers. There’s shadows underneath his eyes and his shoulders are sagging; something inside him is beginning to crumble.

“Then let’s leave. You and I. As allies, as whatever you want, we could leave this godforsaken place behind and focus on the games. It’d be easy for us. We’re used to dealing with so much shit.”

Ann looks away. She feels dizzy just by looking at him, unstable from the desperation that rolls in waves from him and tries to pull her in. She can’t give in to it, can't take this hand that reaches out for her for fear of what it might entail. Allies, not-quite-allies, whatever she wanted; it’s impossible to think about.

“You can leave if you want, Aguni, I won’t stop you. If you want to leave, I’ll respect that”.

—--

Had she known he wouldn’t leave? The question runs itself on a loop through her head as she traces the blood vessels on his legs. They had no commitment to each other. They hadn’t even agreed in the first place that they were allies, the word flew out of her mouth one day and before she could take it back or dilute it with meaningless verbiage, he’d simply nodded and kept talking. But there hadn’t been a moment where they’d laid down rules or boundaries. He wasn’t obligated to stay with her. Even if they had agreed on it, she’d been abundantly clear. ‘If you want to leave, I’ll respect that.’

Her thoughts were distracting her. She shouldn’t be thinking about herself. Exhaustion must be sinking upon her, she’s been here for hours and she’s mistaken a few arteries with nerves, but she can’t stop until she’s done. It’s important that she check for any blood clots on his legs; he’d once had a mild episode of thrombophlebitis and it could’ve been caused by that. Her exploration, her hunt for knowledge, must be rigorous.

Perhaps she’ll leave his nerves be. It’s amusing to think that they had a purely decorative function on him; never would he admit to being in any pain or make any gesture that gave him away. She’d once treated a wound on his arm that required stitches, and since neither Chishiya nor her knew much about anaesthesia, she’d warned him he’d have to push through without anything to palliate the pain. Besides, she was used to working with people who were already dead, it’d been a long time since she had to check how gently she treated a patient, and, as she explained this, he’d laughed. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I’ve probably had worse.’

Ann couldn’t ignore the question any longer. She’d known. Aguni would’ve never abandoned her. She’d known in the way his arm wrapped around her every time she spent the night, holding her even after she’d given his back to him; in the way she’d always find him in the hall of the annex, observing the people who’d just returned from games and leaving after he saw her. In the way his eyes stared at hers that day, resignation and acceptance and something soft in them.  

It was easier for him to endure than to give up. She should’ve known that. She should’ve stopped pushing.

And she didn’t.

—--

“I’ll talk to him,” says Aguni, with resignation and acceptance and something soft in his eyes. “Takeru will listen to reason.”

“Do you think it’ll work?”

“It’s the only thing I can think of trying,” he says, sighing and leaning back on his heels.

Ann nods. Not exactly a meticulously thought-out plan, but it’s a start. If there’s anyone Hatter might be willing to listen to, it’s him, his oldest friend, someone he knows would never betray him. Aguni had obeyed every order since the beginning, perfectly managed the militants, and he’d never once complained. Though Kuzuryuu was listed as number two, he’d been the one Hatter went to first every time there was a change in the way the Beach had managed. Hatter trusted him, and they could only hope he’d trust his judgement too. “We can try that. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll think of something else.”

Aguni nods too, looking at her wordlessly. She doesn’t know if she’s imagining it or not, but she’s become aware of how he’s gripping her hands and it feels firmer, even though his thumbs are gently running circles along the back of hers. Maybe not firmer; steadier, like he’s anchoring them to one another, bonding them in ways words never have. She can’t figure out what he’s planning, but whatever it is, he doesn’t seem in a hurry.

He bends his head to kiss her hands, not exactly a swift gesture but brief enough for her to realise it’s happening after he’s already standing up and staring at the door. The imprint of his lips burns against her skin and makes her heart race and her muscles tense. ‘Do something,’ they’re screaming at her, her heart, her muscles, her whole body, pushing her to the edge of the bed until there’s only a few centimetres left until it ends and she’d be standing up.

Aguni’s reached the door by now, but just as he’s about to cross the threshold he stops, placing a hand on the doorway. It’s the only time she’s seen him hesitate. For a moment, it looks like he’s about to tell her something he’s forgotten as a mixture of expressions take turns showing on his face; earnestness, contrition, regret, until they finally settle again on resignation and acceptance and something soft, and the next second he’s disappeared into the hallway. Leaving Ann a few centimetres off the edge of the bed, almost standing, almost going after him, but ultimately, she stays rooted to the spot.

—-

She’s down to his viscera, almost done. There’s little left to do; aspire the contents of his stomach and intestines to remove all traces of uncleanliness, check his coronary arteries for any anomalies in their disposition which might have caused sudden death after intense exercise (there are none), and his liver for any inflammation or fibrosis (also none).

Cutting open his lungs isn’t a big effort so she does it anyway, even though she knows she’ll find nothing because he wasn’t a smoker nor ill when he died, but maybe it’ll be interesting to see the mottled black pattern on them, the result of living in a city for years. And it’s justified, too, to check his ribs one by one because given his line of work she might be able to spot a badly healed fracture. However, by the time she finds herself with the scalpel against his pancreas, where she knows she’s not going to find anything, she comes to terms with what she’s doing.

She’s stalling. For all her big speech on waiting with him until he was ready to pass on, she’s the one keeping him there. She’s not ready for him to leave.

But there’s nothing she can do now.

—---

“It’s really a pity,” says Hatter. Eight people are huddled around the table in the conference room, all focused on the person lying on it. Hatter’s at the head of the table, the position fit for their leader, Niragi and Last Boss (surprisingly, he’s left his usual place by the door and he’s the closest one to the table) are on its right side, both looking equally perplexed and both doing a really bad job at attempting to hide it. Kuzuryuu and Mira are at a prudent distance, cautiously sneaking looks at Hatter when they think he won’t notice, and Chishiya is behind them, ignoring Arisu’s gawking.

Ann can’t really say where she is. She could see Kuzuryuu’s back at one point, yet the next she was staring right at Aguni’s lifeless eyes and at some point she swears she might have had her hand on his chest, right beside the bullet wound. No one is looking at her, so it’s possible the ataxia is only in her head and if she’d walked over to gape at his corpse she'd have written it as examining the wound. She’s lucky she decided on wearing her sunglasses this morning, because if she barely feels in control of her body, she can’t imagine what her eyes show.

“There’s no one more affected by this than me, but I have to be fair,” continues Hatter, in his grating voice. He’s apparently talking like a politician now, and it’s intriguing to say the least how he’s chosen his supposed best friend’s death to enact this little change in speech. “‘Death to the traitors.’ He was there the day this rule was created, and Aguni knew no one is exempt from it, or from any of the rules of the Beach. It’s sad to see someone so close to us betray us—”

Ann stops listening. Bullshit, she wanted to yell. This man did more for the Beach than you ever will. He died for the fucking Beach and you’re calling him a traitor. And Niragi and Last Boss look more confused than distraught, Kuzuryuu has the same expression he has when it’s raining outside or when he sees there’s beans for lunch, which is the same fucking expression he was born in and will die in, Mira’s smiling and she isn’t even going to turn around to look at Chishiya because she can already picture the apathy painted on his face.

“Ann?” Hatter calls. “You’ll take care of the body, yes?”

She nods, wordlessly.

“Good. You’ll need someone to take it to your room then,” says Hatter, turning around and raising an arm. “Aguni! Take the body to— oh.” He seems disconcerted for a moment, as if he’s forgotten the literal reason they’re all standing there, and he takes a quick glimpse at the corpse on the table before composing himself, all in the span of a single second. “Not anymore, I guess,” he corrects himself, ending the sentence with a laugh that feels more like a shriek. “You two then, Niragi and the other one. Take the body to wherever Ann tells you to.”  

—---

His body is stitched back up and there’s nothing more she can do now. It’s done, he can move on now. She can, too.

However, she stays rooted to the spot.

“Aguni,” she whispers, just because she wants to say his name while looking at him one last time, but she can’t bring herself to raise her voice above a whisper in case someone could hear her. It’s maddening that in the quiet and the solitude of the dissection room, she’s still afraid someone might see them, find out about their allyship and use it against them, even though the responsible for Aguni’s death had been her. Not Chishiya or Mira, blackmailing or puppeteering them for their plans, not Niragi or Last Boss overthrowing their superior so they could run without a leash, not even Hatter, because she couldn’t blame a madman for his actions when it had been her who’d pushed him to the guillotine.

He wanted to leave, he was begging her to, and she refused because she was too determined to protect the Beach from the rot that grew within. It was ironic how, after he’d died, she wished the rot would overtake the Beach, making everyone realise what a grave mistake they’d made when they killed this man, the only barrier of protection between them and a room full of psychopaths and lunatics.

She’ll stay, she thinks, running her hand across the stitches holding Aguni’s chest together, just to fuel this fire until it consumes the entire hotel, decimating the executives and everyone else inside. Burning her alive, preserving her nerve endings until the last possible moment so she’ll feel every second of the excruciating pain. She deserves nothing less. She killed Aguni for this place, it only makes sense she’ll die by its hand too.

A knock on the door distracts her from her thoughts, a good thing too, because one of her nails is digging dangerously close to a stitch and might ruin it. “Am I interrupting anything?” asks a feathery voice, light and flimsy despite being in a dissection room with a corpse inside it and the stench of formaldehyde impregnating it. “Oh, you’ve finished already, good,” says Mira, without waiting for Ann to reply.

“Actually—”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure you’d rather be alone,” she interrupts, waving dismissively as she finds a stool to sit on. “But there’s something I wanted to talk to you about, and it’s terribly time-sensitive, I’m afraid”.

She reaches inside her pocket and takes out a card, showing her its back first so she can see it follows the same design as borderland cards do. Then, with the same enthusiasm as if she’s performing a magic trick, she flips it with a giggle, revealing the suit and number.

The ten of hearts.

Mira smiles maliciously. “See, I have an offer I think you’re going to be interested in.”

Notes: if you’ve made it to the end I am so sorry for what your eyes have seen. Shoutout and huge thanks to @hatterstan-shameblog for putting up with me and my 3AM crisis, for writing fics that inspired me for Aguni’s character and for reviewing and annotating my work. Here’s to hoping one day we might talk about something other than the most aberrant AiB couple ever written about. You’re awesome man. 

[thehellishtrinity]

1-7 and 17 for whoever you wish! -🎧

Hmm since you didn't specify who I used a random generator to pick a random Trinity character to answer for each question!

1. If your oc was to host a TV show, what would it be about? Would your oc be good at it? What sorts of guests would appear?

The Hierophant Honestly, I think if Hiero were to host some type of TV show, it would be something like Blue's Clues where she has some sort of kid-friendly educational show that encourages the kids to solve whatever puzzle with her. Her guests would be like.. other people from other popular kid's shows... like she probably would've had a Pikachu mascot as a guest star at least once.

2. Can your oc play any instruments? Have they ever wanted to learn how to play any? Why?

Novel I've decided at this very moment that this man knows how to play the harp only because I think it would be funny (his weapon is wires). I imagine he doesn't have a strong inclination to learn new instruments or anything but back in the Good Ole Days, he probably picked it up to learn with Remy and Fable.

3. If you were to choose another name for your oc, what do you think it would be? Did you choose it for how it sounds or for its meaning?

Page Hmmm..... Page's name was originally chosen because he was supposed to be Book Squip, so I chose a name loosely related to books. If I were to choose a different name for him back then, I'm sure it would've still been something book related like Scribe or Scroll or something... If I were to pick a different name for him now...... maybe Phylas which, according to behind the name dot com, means "to maintain, preserve".

4. How does your oc fare in the dark? Are they scared? Do they trip over things really easily or navigate like they have night vision? (Or do they have night vision?)

Muse He does relatively well in the dark! Muse is afraid of very little things in this world and the dark is certainly not one of them. He navigates the dark like he has night vision. Lore-wise, this is because he is good as sensing his surroundings and he has a good intuition. Meta-wise, this is entirely because he is cat-coded and cats can see in the dark.

5. How well would your oc fare as a teacher? What subject would they be best at teaching? What about the worst?

Melissa and Wallis, the twins They would be awful teachers. They are children. They would be so bad at teaching. I think they'd be great at making like How To Play XYA Game tutorials and playthroughs but anything else that's academic? No chance.

6. What was your oc’s relationship with their parents like? If they didn’t have any parents/didn’t know them, who in their life was the closest to a parent to them?

Dov Really good, actually! In universes where he has parents, he's a little bit of a mama's boy. He's the type of person who'd visit home every holiday and text his parents regularly. One of the very select few who actually has a healthy relationship with his parents. In canon, he's pretty close to his creator and they keep in contact!

7. Does your oc have any allergies, intolerances, or other sensitivities? How dangerous is it? Does this affect their daily life in any way?

Fable Probably a boring answer but Fable doesn't really have any allergies! He can eat almost everything and he will eat almost everything. His spice tolerance is pretty high (no where near as high as Virus's but who's keeping count?) and he's the type of person who likes to try new dishes all the time!

17. How well can your oc keep secrets? Is there a difference between how they handle their own vs someone else’s? To what lengths would they go to keep something hidden?

Script He is very good at keeping secrets :). In fact, there is a big secret he kept in old Trinity canon that was never unearthed (the rewrite doesn't have the same secret tho but it's the thought that counts). He will go to extreme lengths to hide things that he deems necessary! He's a bit looser with other people's secrets though because, I mean, they're not his secrets. While he does his best to keep the secrets, he isn't losing sleep or going to extremes trying to keep them hidden for other people.

[mylawcitrus]

Updates

I took a blood test this morning. We had very little to eat. My buddy sent me 50 bucks, I did the test, stopped by the bakery at the corner of my house and ordered a classic ham and cheese thing with orange juice. And that probably made a huge difference in how I'm feeling. The test was because my doctor thinks I'm having vitamin deficiency, and she's probably not wrong. I don't eat very well and barely go out, which my dad will always remind me that's necessary because the sun makes you process vitamin D.

Then they did something downstairs at the condo, they changed the electricity grids which were many years old to more modern ones. It took like 6 hours, can you imagine? But I'd been watching Bloomberg and stuff, I think I stopped because it was all a bunch of crap that they were talking about, at some point the journalist interrupted the commentary on Gaza to say "I have to come back to a point because we are a financial network after all, how is that going to impact the numbers" and I was just so fucking done, slept for 3 hours, went to draw blood, ate something, bought a pack (I spoke a bit about the harms of cigarettes and it just piles up as "one more controversy from Ivo"), and then I woke up and everything was uper boring, and still is, but I think there's like, people pissed about soccer or something.

Except that I'm wondering and wondering, and I decided that although I don't have many options in seeking out friendships and stuff like that, I wanted to come back to a certain network, and I had a moment of assessment and thought that they all could end up harming my mental health... but I came back anyway and I still have to figure out why people are so instantly triggered by my presence on there. It's funny because I know that like many other networks, there's a huge trolling userbase and a few people who are trying to roll with it, avoiding the bad actors, maybe calling someone out, but there's been a bit of misunderstandings and mystery, to be frank, around how my country sees this network, which I believe it just doesn't... so I wonder how the hell people would be informed that I'm on there. Doing nothing, by the way. There's a whole list of spammers, and eventually someone with a creative username that I may wanna try to approach, and this one person added me, but now it's like: "what's he gonna do?" -- but not the way you think, cause it feels like there's gonna be like 3 cars parking on my street if I'm not wearing pants, and I'm like... is this what Nazis are doing now? Cause it has come down to this in discourse but we have to start noticing that the climate changes and we're not supposed to live scared...

If I could be on Boo, the network I'm advocating for, I would. But they hacked my phone (the frontal camera works, I've seen it come back many times, it's a hack indeed, but if it's not then it's just sad) and I can't verify to talk to more people my age... so everybody's out there calling me all sorts of things but what I'm actually doing is producing high quality pedagogical content, and getting out of the most exploitative, unethical work environment of my life...

So I'm wondering if people are gonna be fucking supportive, because this shit isn't funny. The level of manipulation of narratives, it's so ugly, and these are people who don't even speak English and wanna say they know shit about my life better than my therapist, my parents, my close friends...

Worst part is to think that I can't talk about my ex's nipples, this is just pure insanity lol sorry bro, I sucked on them for 10 years, youo didn't, are you jealous? lol bunch of pieces of shit, cause when it's a girl they got to bang they're cool with me suffering... when I write a sad song about me being happy in the past I don't have the right to have happy memories, even if it's explicit that I'm not happy...

What a legion of fucking losers...

[lolosrollercoaster]

Grief is fcking weird.

TW: DEATH, GRIEF, MENTAL HEALTH ETC (take all the TW and run away from this now, I rambled and went to it all and the last thing I want is for this to trigger someone. I only wrote this to express myself not to hurt anyone with my pain). Welp. Let me just start this off by saying - If anyone ever finds this - It's 7:51am and I haven't slept a wink... it's also the 1yr anniversary of the death of my favourite person... which is probably why I haven't slept a wink. So if this gets super incoherent then let it - because I just need to ramble for a moment. I tend to prefer creative writing to this blog/letter/diary type of style, and man is that probably why I suck at dealing with certain things (read: most things). In fact its probably one of the reasons why I've been so fucking frozen in time for almost 3 years, guess all the years of overthinking amplified and brought things to a complete halt. so yup - I've been completely stuck. And there hasn't been enough media, enough imagination or creativity etc to get me to do anything. Was it the pandemic? was it my penchant for overindulgence in all of it that finally stopped working as a coping mechanism and became one of the beams that now holds me down joining the rest of my collapsed psyche that now pin me to the ground? honestly who knows - but maybe I'll address that in another post- because today is about one issue, and that is GRIEF. what a fun little word - and yet so bad at encompassing what it can mean. I mean I feel like we're honestly just starting to get each other despite the fact that I think I've had it in my bag all these years. And man can it mean so much even in the same context if it's with different people? like you think you know what to expect but really (trust me) you don't. I feel like it should be in the human starter kit - the manual - that you absolutely don't know anyone until you've seen them grieve...or even worse- had to grieve alongside them. Like the fact that you never have felt closer yet farther from those people that share this common loss. Oof - if you had told me the whole "anger" part could mean "you're never speaking to this B*tch again" and part of it is mostly because you're angry on the behalf of someone who is already gone or because they made you bring that negative energy to them during their last few hours? I would've thought you were exaggerating. But nope - here I am, 365 days later still thinking - ONE DAY - I will let this person know how fucked up they are- but not today - because the person who died was my abuelita, and the b*tch is my tia - and honestly I can just see my abuelita being mad at me for being mad at my tia. Actually that's a lie - my abuelita could hold grudges when necessary, but she never got mad at me - I think she'd be more disappointed which is somehow worse. But see, anger, grief, rage? they make no sense. Because here I am still pissed af at my tia, a whole year later, and still I haven't called her a b*tch to her face - because my dead abuelita wouldn't like it if I said it. Even if she was actually being a b*tch ( that being said I'm human - so of course I've vented to everyone I know and gotten reassured) and everything she did prior to my abuelita's passing was cruel, stupid, wrong, and absolutely not ok (glad I can at least say that with certainty).

But anyways - Grief is cruel - and aloof, and odd. Grief has pulled me further from my mom than closer to her. More resentful. And it's funny because it's like it's brought out every quality I know my Abuelita would not want out of me. Honestly I might be in my villain era (or at least it feels that way - since I've decided to be strong and set boundaries - and enforced them... in a family where boundaries are non-existent... I might as well be).

But see the grief of her death came at me at the worst possible time. I know, come on universe? can't you check my calendar before you set me up for another one of these eternal redirections/world flipping moment/life "lessons" - and can we please discuss a maximum quota per decade? or at this point per year? I don't think I have the bandwidth for anything else at this point. (please don't take me typing that as a taunt or invitation! I'm good, I swear!)

You see, for some reason I guess the universe decided 2022 ( a year of my favourite numbers) was meant to be my most tested year yet - so much so that it started off with a serious accident for my dad, which happened on the day I was home after quitting the job from hell, on the first month of the year and didn't truly let up from there. By the 3rd week of 2022 I was catatonic - see, I guess 2 can play at that game and my brain+body+soul all collectively decided I needed a time out... so I just clocked out. for a month (?) I still cant tell you. but I guess I had what y'all call a little mental/nervous breakdown? ... anyways by march I was talking again, so I guess that's good - I mean at least basic communication, I wouldn't say I was out in the world, nope that took some more therapy, and A LOT of convincing from pretty much anyone who could try. And of course, given that I was bed bound, and not actively taking care of myself everything afterwards felt pretty much exactly how you'd expect it. Which was incredibly demoralizing - feeling like a zombie, unsure as to why you're alive to find that what little you appreciated about yourself is also not in shape atm - had to cut off all my hair, so that was fun... then more little issues came up, dental problems, and health problems, etc. Oh and on top of it all I had finally caved and filled one of those little mental health assessments (obviously had to lol I had stopped functioning- that was probably not a good indicator). And that led to seeing how much stigma still exists in the medical field for patients. Truly loved that. (I've worked on my mental heath for years but never fully put it all on "paper" fearing the stigma. preferring to have it be known but not written down for fear of how it could affect me - and unfortunately not even 6months later I got to experience it - gotta say it was also lk just the full meal: super fun & humiliating, y'know? even worse than what my overthinking brain had dreamt up so 11/10! great job to all involved!) But anyways, grief! that was also something I gained from my mental breakdown! who would've thought! ... definitely not me!

so anyways, I'm unemployed, living @ my parents house - parent's who definitely don't know how to deal with my mental health, they didn't know for the first decade, maybe its too much for me to expect them to know now going into the 2nd one 🤣 but yeah - idk they somehow kept me alive and here, so they definitely did something right. I gotta give props there! this is one crisis they didn't purposely start and stuck through to the end and provided what I actually needed at the time so 🎉 ( I know I sound like an asshole, but this whole mental breakdown and previous # of mental shithole years have provided me with an insane amount of introspection and reflection on my childhood which... surprisingly 🙄... didn't give me less to be angry about but more 🎉 I'm still unraveling it all, but I've definitely got enough content to keep a therapist employed for a while.) WHICH is a fun next point... access to mental health services ... why is is so fucking hard? man also so expensive when you're employed, even if you live in a country with "universal healthcare". The therapist my mom helped me get with (yay mom!) was with a service that didn't charge me too much, based on a sliding scale, and well I was unemployed and mentally broken, so income was low (thanks for 2021 Lolo for keeping some savings) so at least I could afford it ish but it turns out they worked based on "goals" and my goal in March was to get up from my bed... and hopefully make it outside my room, then eventually outside my door to actually breathe non-recycled air... maybe actually see some other human beings outside of the ones that live with me (or see them more often at least!) eventually be sort of a functioning human again.

And then my teeth got fucked and my abuelita was sick all at once - and my family is not in this country, so we thought ok - lets fly home (10+hrs air journey)... and also lets bring my 13yr old pupper - because my abuelita loved her, and this might be her last chance to go home and see that fam. Also she has separation anxiety and all 3 of us were going (yeah I'm also an only child, unless you count the pupper as my sibling, which sometimes we do). So anyways - here we go - Four anxiety ridden overthinkers on a sad journey to see their fam - it was as insane as it probably sounds - my mom thinking about her mom, in denial of the situation, and also forgetting she had promised to take responsibility for the puppers, me trying not to break down again bc ppl, airports, anxious/stressful parents who always freak out during travel and turn to you for calmness but now you're the stressed one - overwhelmed pup bc its a long ass air journey and she doesn't love being confined to a carrier and would rather be on our laps or roaming the cabin.... yup. Also I needed a root canal - so I was in PAIN. But my tia is in dentistry and it would be a much better job + price back home anyways so it was worth the craziness.

And then I got home - and I saw her. And I lost it. And my dad lost it and that's also when I knew ok well we're fucked. Because my mom is the one that had kept it together this year - she was the one who had to care for us and now it was her rock who was about to leave her. But my mom was in DENIAL. See my mom believes in miracles, but to the point where she expects them to happen regardless of reality and if there's one thing she was never going to do was give up hope in this particular case. But that also meant we had absolutely no idea how it would hit her once it happened - and as much as my abuelita and my mom taught me to believe in miracles, I unfortunately couldn't see one here. See life beat me into becoming a realist, and I worked in healthcare for a while too so there was only so much my brain would allow me to deny or have any type of hope.

Hell, I thought I would be able to handle it better because I'd seen death now more than once. But nothing prepares you to loose your favourite person, specially not when they're suffering and slowly withering away. And I think that's what pisses me off the most still. I held the hands of strangers, I sat with them through their worst times, their last few days. But from the moment I saw her - I knew I couldn't. And in some act of bravery, or dumbfuckery - I did it again - I talked my brain into compartmentalizing it, into rationalizing it, into ensuring I would be present for her. I don't regret that, don't get me wrong - I would hate myself more if I had walked away that first day and never gone back. But in shutting myself off from my feelings regarding it - in minimizing it - because I just told myself "how could I do this for strangers and not for her?" I shut myself down emotionally enough to survive it, but I think it might come back to kill me later.

You see, I make myself useful - because I was taught that's what I should do. so I did. I helped wherever I could, I drew knowledge when I needed it from people who had it, I became the voice of reason when necessary. I organized and learned all I could about what she was going through, I researched what it could all mean. That was the hardest- knowing she was like this because she fell through the cracks of a broken healthcare system. I helped by learning and arming myself with what I could to fight for her, to do what I could to make things better, or less painful for her if possible. But it still didn't feel like enough (and yet it all felt like way more than too much). And then we finally had to bring her into a facility - you see my grandfather was also a victim of the healthcare system - in his case a mistaken dose of a medication not meant for him meant instead of going home that day... he went to a funeral home instead. So of course my family, my mom, my abuelita all feared ending up in a situation like that again. She never wanted to die in a hospital, but even in her pain I think she did it because she didn't want us to deal with what it would entail for her to die at home. So she agreed and asked to be taken to the hospital. And to make it about me again - "everything happens for a reason" is a sentence I hope to never hear again because what do you mean the one they sent us to was the one I was born in (not the usual hospital she would've been sent to, but that one was too full so they sent us to my birthplace) and in that same building 48hrs later after being admitted almost to the minute - she took her last breath ....( just 2months and 1 day before my 26th birthday) So 25yrs, and 10 months after I took my first one in that same building. I now know 2 dates/events to the minute.

my birth and her death.

I'm not angry about that - I'm just confused but not mad - I just still don't understand the meaning of it all if it is supposed to have one. I do remember the last ~14hrs of her life. Since I was the one who was by her side for most of them. So much for that schedule I made (she needed to have someone with her at all times), some would've thought I made it on purpose to get her all to myself one last time. And I don't think I regret a single minute of it -even if it was one of the most painful nights of my life. if not THE most painful. I remember my mom coming to take over and my abuelita looking like she was doing better - like she was giving me permission to go - but I didn't, because I still had stuff to do, I was doing some paperwork for her, and then trying to get an extra visiting pass for my cousin, and then, and then... and then... I found the chapel - by chance, took a wrong turn ended up in that hallway. (you should know, my abuelita was one devoted woman, and the only reason I still had some faith in all of that - but she never pushed, she wasn't a fanatic, she just had true pure faith and it was so pure she did witness miracles and had them happen to her and around her and all of us.) And I sat down and I prayed. I hadn't done that in years. but I did - and I just said one thing: "if its her time, and that time is now - then don't let me or my connection to this hospital be what holds her here. I don't want to be the reason she suffers, I don't want to be what's holding her here if it's her time. I'll figure it out, I'll deal with it all, just please don't let her suffer any more. She doesn't deserve that" And 30 min later she was gone.

My mom held her hand in the end. I saw her face because of course I had to come back for something I forgot and I walked in as she was taking what I now know were her last breaths. I didn't run to her - I'd said my goodbyes in a way when I switched with my mom - I ran to switch with my cousin who was outside so she could go in and say hers.

she didn't make it.

I barely walked the 5 steps outside to my dog's carrier (who was there waiting for me as we exchanged) before my mom called only saying"she's gone" and I dropped.

if you asked me what happened after that I'd tell you flashes of it. I wailed. my dog wailed. I still feel guilty for that - she saw me drop and probably thought I'd been shot or something.

** Oh yeah I forgot to mention we had to extend our trip but my dad couldn't stay bc of work so he had to go home, and it was now just my mom, my dog and I (with the rest of our extended family of course). I eventually managed to start calling ppl - because right - we're the ones that know. my phone was at 16% and dying fast. I'd forgotten to charge it the night before, more focused on her care and not messing any of it up. I remember calling my cuz and just wailing "she's dead" then "sorry gotta hang up and call the others, my phone is at 15%" before hanging up. Still glad she doesn't hate me for that.

my dog stopped breathing and her tongue went purple/blue for a second on the taxi back to her home. we don't know what it was - grief, anxiety, the hand sanitizer my baby cousin was sniffing to keep from throwing up. it was only a second but my life flashed before my eyes again and I somehow got her back with some type of crazy cpr. My mom only found this out a few days ago - she was in the hospital with the body arranging it all. I helped pick out an outfit for her to be put into.

I helped my 19yr old cousin who lives where we live get plane tickets and helped her break the news to her mom (my tia) who was on holiday in Europe... they were supposed to come see her on Oct 4th, but they didn't make it in time. I heard their flight home kept getting delayed and she passed out in the airport.

I had nothing to wear - not that it mattered -but at one point they offered I could wear a set of her shoes and it kinda felt wrong - like why would I wear her own shoes to her funeral. it just felt wrong.

her funeral turned into 4 days of viewing - waiting for my poor cousin and tia to arrive because we couldn't get them there any faster. I don't know if it made it easer or harder to delay it. I stopped sleeping the moment she went into the hospital and didn't start again until ....still unsure. maybe a week after? when exhaustion took me out. I helped organize the funeral, deal with them trying to overcharge us, informing ppl, etc. I even managed to get her interred where she wanted her final resting place to be before our flight back (which when we'd managed to push it we'd changed our return date to Oct 15). I pushed to make it happen so my mom and I could leave knowing she was finally where she had to be. I stopped crying maybe 2 days after she died? ... I only cried 3 more times after. one being when I was a pallbearer.

My mom went... I want to say insane but that feels mean. She definitely did not handle it well, and absolutely pissed ppl off, also said some horrible things that she didn't take back - and hasn't taken back to this day.

I can't say how I was, but I do know I wasn't that bad? I think I spent more time ensuring my relatives saw me as an adult and separate from her so I wouldn't loose relationships than I did trying to offend ppl for no reason, so that was a win. and as far as I know I haven't been blocked by anyone yet - so clearly I did something ok.

I wish my dad could've come but with his health scares + being 70 + having done the journey there and back already it kinda made sense as to why he couldn't - rationally I know that. Irrationally I'm still mad I was left to deal with my mom on my own.

we got back and halloween no longer felt joyous (it was my favourite holiday). I still dressed up for her because she loved that. Apparently she always told my baby cousin that Aurora from tangled reminded her of me so I dressed up as her and watched the movie again and cried it out with my parents.

My dog survived the journey home and actually is now more of a fan of airplanes - we survived somehow.

(my biggest fear was my abuelita and dog dying at the same time, leading to my mom either dying or breaking down like I did and then me having to deal with it all on my own practically. I was sure I would not survive that.)

I tried to talk to the therapist I'd been seeing, he told me I had to reapply to the program... because its goal based, and when he took me on the goal was to get up from bed and leave my house. which I had. Grief however was a different goal and I had run out of appointments for this session set.

I stopped going to therapy.

**somewhere around here was when I had my first stigma filled experience with a GP I went to for a health problem I had. My birthday sucked. despite a bit of a time difference - my abuelita was always the first call I'd get that day. I didn't have enough time to prepare for that one since it happened so soon after. I decided to make my birthday nonexistent. I felt I had nothing to be thankful for and I definitely had nothing to celebrate. I didn't even feel like myself.

I got a job, it was supposed to be a good one. I was excited. I would start it in the new year.

Christmas - sucked. It is(was?) my mom and abuelita's favourite holiday. Not last year. We didn't even put up a tree.

New Years Eve felt like more lk YOUR YEARS GRIEF. I rang in 2023 half conscious as the absolute train wreck of a year finally hit me - and I could not stop crying or being angry or passing out from crying so hard then waking up again to be annoyed again.

And that's when it hit me I had two types of grief.

I'd completely lost myself.

and

I'd lost my true North Star.

see the one thing that questionable therapist got right was that I'd become such terrible people pleaser my entire identity crisis was happening because of it and it had helped push me into that freaking mental breakdown. I had no sense of self bc I would make myself whatever or whoever I needed to be to fit into where I needed to fit. so much so that now I had no idea what part of any of it was actually me and what was just me adapting to survive.

fun, eh?

And then my favourite person, the centre of the most joyful perfect memory in my mind - died. aka the unthinkable.

And now here I am 365 days later - with a fuckton of unfelt grief because I just COMPARTMENTALIZED IT LIKE A PRO. To a concerning degree according to just about everyone who knows me or asks about it. I mean I can't talk about it, or her. I can't read things about grandparents, or death, I definitely have almost broken down at seeing numbers like 82 (her age) anywhere. But nope, I somehow kick it back - shut it down. it almost feels like when you're about to sneeze and then you just don't? y'know that feeling? that's the closest I can compare it to. My eyes start to fill with tears and then suddenly they're dry as a desert and <I'M FINE> (read that like Ross in that one scene in friends). Anyways what's happened in the rest of those 365 days? had a job, left a job (toxic environment - so yay!) put some of that money in savings, spent the other. fought a lot with my mom. Went home by myself this time - took cuz who's my fav adult and also the one who took care of my abuelita all throughout that last year on a much deserved vacay with the liquidated vacation days I got *thank god for our birth country's currency being devalued. I feel terrible about it for my people but since I don't live there it makes it easier to do things like that one - visited Abuelita for Mother's Day. didn't cry. So clearly still repressed af.

but what's new.

Saw Beyonce at the Renaissance Tour with my friends- of course we got tickets back in February so I only realized months later that it was on my abuelita's birthday - but hey - Virgo's groove almost got me to cry in her honour since Bey asked all her Virgo's to get up and dance.

Saw a couple of plays. (Mom got a volunteer gig there and can get me tickets, also she thinks it's a bonding thing. it is kind of fun as long as it's not forced.)

Tried to challenge myself to reading 200 books - pretty sure I've only read 3 so far. BUT I'm trying and that's what matters, right?

also there's a fucking recession apparently? and finding a job is SO FUCKING HARD. that I'm spiralling harder than before. it's been fun - I'm so unmotivated and idk how to fix it. I'm back to hermiting tbh. Also my financial anxiety is at an ALL TIME HIGH. because I only calculated to have fun off work for a couple of months, and it's been more than that - I was so hopeful that I'd get a new job a lot quicker than I did.

Also for another healthy form of *🤡DEALING🤡* we're about to go to Cirque du Soleil with my parents- because we couldn't get tickets for another date (quite literally. these were the only left and we got a special deal with my parents' job). and isn't that funny? or fun. Y'know back when I had lk hopes and dreams, and I was a naive little girl I used to have these ridiculously grand ideas ahah like having acrobats at my wedding ... and that was when I'd only heard about cirque du Soleil which I'm actually only seeing for the first time today. But I don't think I ever thought "HEY- here's a thought - lets watch them for a deathaversary instead since you're so into the dark side nowadays"

But y'know what? I'm just going with the flow at this point.

Because apparently that's grief. And that's life. And that's the universe.

anyways if anyone has a treatment for repression - I'll take it - because this constipation of feelings has me down bad.

also pls pray for your girl to find a job. Her mental health is in the shitter bc living at home is not ideal when they're part of the reason you got shit mental health.

I pray to one day be a mentally healthy individual and actually maybe hopefully have a healthy (or as healthy looking as possible) relationship with my mother. and maybe even my father . but that shit aint happening with all of us under the same roof. that's just a fact. Despite how bad the real estate market is out there, in this case braving it is a life saving measure.