#but sometimes the transition can be hard
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
guys guys
its okay, no need to panic
i think its pretty clear that mumbo just made a mistake, he tried using an older skin that existed pre-waffle instead of editing his usual one
to put it into character terms, its not a breakup, its the equivalent of mumbo accidentally deleting grian's phone number
and maybe he doesnt notice it right away, because sure, they havent been calling as much as usual, but eventually he gets a call from a random number and when he picks up he realizes that it was grian! And oh dear that was an error, he should have noticed sooner! but its okay now! Because grian is back in mumbo's phone, nothing permanent was lost. Only time. And maybe mumbo gained something as well, after not noticing that he had deleted such an important number. He gained guilt
luckily friendships dont require constant contact. No strong relationship does. They arent like they used to be, tied at the hip. And there's guilt there, for letting them drift, and grief for what they had. But its not the end, and its not something to mourn over. Because theyre entering a new stage of friendship, one far more mature than the one they used to have. One built on safety and trust, on comfort and satisfaction rather than hunger and need. They can rest easy knowing that the other will always be there when they need each other, and will still be happy when theyre apart. They can live their own lives and when they pick up its like they never put anything down. Its new, its different, but its just as strong as before, just as valuable
#hermitcraft#grian#mumbo jumbo#grumbo#waffle duo#this went from cc to c real quick sorry for muddling it#The older you get the more of these kinds of relationships you gain#they arent as intense but they are just as needed#moreso even because they are stable and eternal#but sometimes the transition can be hard
70 notes
·
View notes
Text
i've been kinda dysphoric the past few days but my own weird version of dysphoria where i feel "like a girl" in a bad way and then have ocd about it where i'm like "ok yes this is making me miserable but: what if i'm cis."
aside from that i've actually been feeling awesome but yknow. if that wasn't happening it would be fucking nice.
#i think part of it is like. silly as it feels. i wanna daydream about meeting cute guys obviously#but i feel like i default to the 'girl scripts' bc of personal experience#like i went to prom before transition etc#so it kind of sucks sometimes#i want other guys to be interested in me as a guy but nobody really reads me as one irl so it can be hard to imagine how id be treated#which is i guess where the dysphoria comes from
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#I just feel so like. idk how to even describe my state of mind.#it's like I've gone from depressed in a dull helpless way to depressed in a hysterical way but sometimes for a#little bit I'm also normal. i feel like the most boring person in the world & also like I'm losing my mind.#i genuinely never thought i would actually really get to this point in my life ever. not in that i thought I'd die per se it was just never#real to me it never felt like something i could feasibly accomplish & now I'm there i feel like i just stepped off into the deep end of#some alternate universe world i shouldn't even exist in like i don't belong here.#like when i pictured my life as a kid reality just ended here & everything else was fantasy I realistically knew I never could do#& I'm Trying so hard to get myself a job so i can do smth with my life beyond sort of stewing in boredom & existential terror mixed but#i do not feel like a real person who could feasibly do that. like i just thought I'd disappear or something I don't know what I thought.#like someone would just close the picture book of my life because I'm not someone whose capable of living a normal life.#like I've failed the test (just like I always expected to!!!) but I'm still stuck here they forgot to take me out of the experiment.#<- sorry I'm okay mostly I'm just. really going through it w the transitional stage of life thing
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
We’re okay 95% of the time but sometimes we remember that we likely won’t be able to transition until we’re like 20-fucking-5 and get the insatiable urge to Throw Things
(Cw for some trans-related rage/desperation in the tags)
#the nhs#can go fuck itself#free healthcare is great#but not when the waitlist is practically longer than my own fucking age#(an exaggeration)#but fr guys I want to Bite Shit#these two fellas in a human trench coat just want to be fucking people#and I don’t get why we have to wait five years to perfrom to some fucking doctor so they can decide#ahh maybe this one shall get to live#and the cis people in my life are lovely about me being trans#but Kinda Weird about me wanting to transition#barbra why you look so horrified when I say I want to grow a beard#geoff i appreciate that transitioning is a huge decision#but consider that fact we’ve been thinking about it every day for the past three years#this is not spontaneous#it is a fundamental part of why i am the way I am#and like#the people that are Okay with the idea of HRT#don’t even like talking about surgery#they’re nice about it but I can tell that they’re horrified#this thing I practically yearn for terrifies them#and I know I can’t wait until I medically transition to start living#but that’s what it feels like sometimes#I’m waiting to fucking live#im sitting in a body that is dead in a life that is dead#waiting to live#and it’s hard#it’s so fucking difficult sometimes#im here for the people going through this shit too#skull’s ramblings
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
haha god listening to music and having scenarios in your head is so fun, yes the scenarios are about a hypothetical good relationship with my parents why do you ask
#vent#idk i feel like i have no one to turn to#like my parents are there but relying on them feels like walking on eggshells and hiding the effects of my transition#also one of them is just a plain Disney movie antagonist to be honest#hi also i am not depressed i swear! just very sad for some reason#im content with my life#in a sense i dont want to have to see anyone ever again#just rot away in my flat forever and ever and not have to worry about conflict or agression from the people in my life#maybe im selfish idk#the earth is the home of everybody on earth#not just me#also human connections? so hard!!!#i think i may be on the spectrum but im still waiting for the official diagnosis next month#but its like im always uncomfortable around people? like im some sort of strange social parasite who does everything ever wrong and is reall#y awkward and nobody liked me ever but also when someone says they do#there's simply nothing? as if they were inly words to me#and it's not only that i dont believe it possible#but also that i just dont know the feeling#it just makes me uncomfortable to hear that despite my friends possibly believing it#it's not their fault#but i just feel like there's a barrier between me and everyone#or maybe that I'm like just some minor occurance in all these wonderful people and i disappear from their lives as quickly as i arrived?#i dont know how to feel content truthfully#walking znd listening to music can only keep me pensive for so long#i just want to be comfortable sometimes#spend a few minutes not worrying#actually accepting care and love#being deadweight if only for one short while#and not hating myself for days afterwards
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
ramen dinner with the girls tonight 🤩❤️🔥
#i'm so excited !!#and also nervous bc we haven't hung out in forever 🥹#which means yay lots to catch up on & that's always fun#but also means they might bring up -certain- things that 😭 i do not wanna talk about ever again lol#that's the problem with not seeing each other as often is having to discuss things that happened months ago..#but what are ya gonna do 🤷♀️ it's hard to hang out regularly since we all got full time jobs#+ we live and work far away from each other & the weather always sucks & eating out gets expensive 😫#our vacations are on different times too#and now it's getting darker earlier so... yeah#it's getting less and less safe to hang out at night here and even in broad daylight too man 🙃#we gotta find more activities to do lol but usually i'll see one of them for coffee and walks & those are my fav#man i just wish i lived closer to my friends it sucks#cause even if it's easier now than it was years ago bc i can drive to them#there's alwayssssss construction and traffic the city is horrible#like we mostly just hang out in the suburbs now bc of that. sure there's less options here but at least we can drive peacefully and PARK#that's also another major issue in the city ugh#and it's not even like public transit is a solid option there's always problems there too 🙃#get ur shit together montreal !!!! i wanna love you but you're so hard to love sometimes !!!!!!!!#anyway. i do miss the city i can't even lie. i never go downtown anymore 😢#and i miss my friends !!!!!!!! 😭😭#i'm so excited we're hanging out i hope we can do it more and more often#**#update: ok they didn’t ask about any of the things i was worried about so we good 😇
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Some au antag doodles
#keese draws#eternal gales#decided to finally try my hand at drawing au fydd#and decided to also draw the two I’ve already designed#I kinda chickened out hard with this au fydd design but that’s mostly because I don’t know how I’d go about implementing the big thing I cut#I wanted to include a nod at my old tazian (the species I recycled for fydd) worldbuilding by giving him some rainbow ‘hair’#but I definitely am not capable of drawing my vision well enough for my standards rn so maybe one day I’ll go for it but not rn#but long story short in the original version of the species those who were more middling height would have strands of or even entirely#rainbow hair which was like 90% me bullshitting but I have thought of a retroactive excuse#long story short most tazians would either be super tiny or like stupid tall and more middling height ones were rare#but one thing I realized lately is that all my tall ones had white hair and all my short ones had black hair#so the retroactive excuse is that the rainbow is a transitional period that usually indicates young age but can sometimes be permanent if#they don’t end up becoming properly tall#and I wanted to nod at that concept with au fydd since he’s 15 and is what would be considered pretty middling height#but that would mean figuring out how I’d wanna go about coloring that and that would make me lose it#for context fydd’s hair is supposed to be a smidge feathery#and also I like to keep my characters having somewhat manageable color pallets#not that I’m particularly good at that but I try#oh also second biggest failure of this drawing I made it so I couldn’t draw his other eye rip#he’s missing his other eye due to basically completely destroying it in the process of blowing up his original universe#the other two aren’t missing any major design elements that I can think fo fortunately#these three are all favorites of mine amongst the au antags they’re so silly#and by that I mean one of them is a grown ass adult torturing teenagers and the other two are heavily traumatized teenagers that are#helping said grown ass adult torture teenagers#well only one of them is properly helping owl is just here to meet her crush#she genuinely did not think the others would get as far and go as hard as they did#au fydd was the first member of the squad au bloom recruited and he is easily the most loyal to her#he’s also the only one au bloom even mildly gives an actual shit abt#au fydd went through a Lot in his original universe and is very ‘let’s burn it all down’ with his approach to helping#owl also went through a lot but she came out the other end just desperately wanting to stop fighting
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
if I think abt the state of trans politics in the US for more than .2 seconds I start wanting to sob god I hate it here
#damien.txt#obligatory obv this is not the worst place etc etc but like. crazy that i feel WAYYY less safe than i did 3 yrs ago!#like bro what the fuck happened. we were like...... vaguely making progress. why the fuck are we here#it really makes me feel sooo nauseous like i have so much anxiety abt it#so much that my brain starts convincing me that Maybe Im Not Trans bc i get so anxious abt it#literally hitting the 'maybe it's not worth it' mindset even tho like. id-ing as a girl makes me want to throw up#idk. idk idk idk. it's so shitty#unfortunately im a person that really values comfort. and like. it can be really hard for me sometimes to like#decide that those types of risk to personal safety/comfort are worth it. idk.#but also literally ive known i was trans since i was like 12. so. haha. what the fuck would i even do#also! this really has me delaying like. doing certain things with like transition#like lowkey im soooo scared to get top surgery with the current climate#even tho i might have the money for it in abt a year 👀#and like. really truly i cant see myself regretting it. like even if i didnt commit to other transition stuff.#i think i would like top surgery. like forever.#but man!!! im just so scared of getting hate crimed. ugh.#i need to learn to not be. so scared of things like this. like i need to learn to live life like how i want to#but also MANNNN this shit is so scary i cant handle it#yeah. idk what the solution here is. this has literally been on my mind for like a year
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
palliative care is so fucking weird
i don’t know how to feel
#idk.#I’m hugely uncomfortable which I think is the point#it’s just hard to transition#I take a lot of pride of not really being phased by anything#but it’s no longer about trying to be the smartest person in the room#it’s about connecting and listening and slowing down#and Jesus it’s so hard I want the safety of the icu back sometimes#it’s so simple when I don’t have to think about all this shit#I just. idk.#I’m so soft to be a great icu doctor but too dead inside to be a great palliative doctor#where exactly does that leave us?#it’s ok. I’ll do what I can. but my heart feels heavy. idk
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed
#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the#guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over#and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO.#because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed.#but i wish we could#my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him.#i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too#vent#SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist#my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them.#i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it#AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room#and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes#baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying#and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it#but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie#and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much.#i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me#also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
morality in the world of good omens
so i wrote another (admittedly very messy) essay on good omens not long ago right after watching season 2 but after finishing that, rewatching all of both seasons multiple times, and reading through the book, i have a couple more distinct ideas to get out...somewhere...if only for my own sanity. this is me throwing my thoughts into the internet before i pop, if you will. just 3 sections, below the cut.
1. environment, characters, & transformative fandom creations
to start this post off a bit more broadly, i've been thinking a lot recently about transformative fandom and the reasons why we write fanfiction/create semi-original works in the first place, as well as why certain aspects of fandom (writing, art, analysis, etc.) will be more appealing to me for certain shows/series than others. correct me if you have a totally different view of this, but in my experience i've found that i tend to naturally gravitate towards different parts of fandom depending on what the original medium of the story was- podcasts tend to lead to some of the most interesting art trends, for example, since there's more room for interpretation and character design tends to be more of an ongoing community project than something set in stone like for a tv show with live human actors.
in my own observation, i've noticed that a lot of the really big & excitable fandoms, the ones that generate tons & tons of fanworks more naturally (a.k.a. just because of the story itself & not other factors like a pre-existing franchise or hype about new great gay representation, etc.) tend to surround stories that fall into a kind of "sweet spot" that makes the creation of fanworks really appealing. if you've ever wondered why there are so many ravenous artists bending over backwards to draw gorgeous fanart for stuff like homestuck or south park or even minecraft youtubers, it's likely because those stories all fall into a sweet spot for drawing, with character designs that are recognizable at a glance and yet still simple enough that there is plenty of room for personal creative touches. (think also, if you're familiar with such kinds of homestuck terms: hyperflexible mythologies, A4:1524, and/or this archive link cause the official thing is down now for some reason)
the conclusion i've come to is thus that even something as basic as the original medium of a story can dictate a lot about what kinds of fan activities are more common or popular within said story's fandom.
so, back to good omens- for me, this all relates back because of a question i've been messing with in my head recently, about why i've been less interested in fanfiction for good omens than i have been for the last few fandoms i've been, almost all of which have basically broken my ao3 bookmarks.
this question has been fucking with me for a while now, largely because i'm not entirely sure what's motivating it. a lot of times i can figure out pretty easily why i might personally not be interested in some parts of fandom, but that's not really the case here. from what i've seen this fandom seems to be pretty mixed in terms of age, & the writing that i have read is certainly no worse than i've seen elsewhere, perhaps even better in some places- and yet, i can't seem to get entirely into it, even getting frustrated as i can't find something to my tastes for an ao3 bedtime story as i've grown so accustomed. what caught me off guard is that this was an issue that i ran into while watching season 1 as well, back when the series was still quite popular but not blowing up like it is right now.
a lot of this may seem like (and likely is, at least in part) basic overthinking, but i mentioned it all here because the answer i eventually came to is reminiscent of my previous reflections above on the nature of fandom & how/why fanworks are created.
a couple paragraphs above, i used the example of art as an example of how fandoms that generate a lot of original artwork will often do the most when the original story falls into a sweet spot of character design, but notably i think that this sentiment applies to a lot more than just art. if you've ever seen the copious amounts of kpop & hockey rpf fanfiction that lives on ao3, it should be clear that this applies to writing too.
i wrote this essay a while back responding to an observation about the lack of a more extensive symbolic language in fanfiction & i've toyed around with the idea more since, particularly in considering the question of why a lot of what we see as the staples of fanfiction exist in the first place. in that post, my response largely revolved around an argument of why we create fanfiction- namely, that fanfiction is created as in tandem with deeper analysis of the original story/series, as a way of trying to practically apply character analysis to a new context.
the key part of that last sentence to me is how a lot of this revolves around character analysis (and shipping, but really it's the characters that motivate the shipping in most cases so. same difference).
i tend to instinctively separate fanfiction into two separate categories: fanfiction that is based out of the original world/canon of the story (including but not limited to fix-its, deeper analysis fics that take a scene & extrapolate from it, continuations, etc.) and fanfiction that takes the characters from the original story & plops them in an alternate universe/AU. while i separate these out as two distinct categories of fanfiction, i should also clarify that i don't think these two groups are necessarily equal in terms of number of fics- rather, the vast majority of fanfiction tends to be AUs, keeping the original characters & changing any & all aspects of the world around them. again, this may vary depending on the story & Vibe of the fandom at the time, stories like game of thrones or harry potter or homestuck might have a lot more in the canon category by nature of any major dissatisfactions the fandom has with how the original story was told, but in most cases AUs are more popular. this was a lot of the basis behind my argument that fanfiction is created as character analysis in fact, since the characters are the most important part that carries over from original story to fanwork, as well as can end up being one of the most debated/scorned parts when it comes to fandom drift (i.e. "that's out of character"/"he wouldn't do that"/and all other such arguments about fanon vs. canon characterization).
basically, my conclusion in this case was that i was a lot less interested in gomens fic largely because i have a really hard time separating the characters from the world in the case of this particular story. aziraphale & crowley being an angel & a demon and dealing with all of the bullshit of their world when it comes to heaven & hell are such integral parts of their characters in my mind that i have a much harder time getting behind AU fanfiction that plops them in a totally different context. it's just a much harder sell for keeping the characters in character for me. (i also tend to not like s2 fix-its just cause, idk they're just not my style, which is where a lot of the recent blast of energy has led us.) to clarify, this is not a judgement, just a matter of personal preference and a reflection of why, even if a lot of fandoms will look the same from the outside/involve the same things like art, fic, etc., an individual's mileage can vary wildly when it comes to how they interact with different things online.
*additional note, also for clarification: i do want to acknowledge that a lot of this depends on pure popularity as well, popular fandoms will often end up with basically everything in terms of fanworks just by nature of how many people are interacting with & thinking deeply about the story. my point here is more along the lines of the fact that even within the more well-populated fandoms, certain types of fanwork will often Stick Out more to me than others, or even be visibly much more common than in other fandoms, due largely to the original medium/structure of how the story.
so, speaking of aziraphale & crowley in more depth now- why does the world of good omens feel like such an integral part of their personalities when it comes to characterization? up next, let's talk about morality within the context of good omens' perhaps surprisingly secular take on heaven & hell.
2. the amorality of heaven & hell (ft. the crowley quote apples you know the one)
(warning in advance that this section may be a bit limited since i'm not going to get super far (or very far at all, really) into the whole religious-analysis aspect of good omens.)
i've been binge-reading the original pterry & gaiman book for good omens over the last few days and it's been very fun seeing all the slight changes between the tv show & the original. you can really see the hand of the original creators in how the tv show was translated, even just by looking at which parts made it and which parts were deemed worth cutting out. i suppose having one of the original creators right there helping build everything really helps make a book -> show translation work, since the ASOUE tv series was also pretty well received- something about knowing what's the core of the series & truly important to keep in, and having more time to tell the story itself?
anyways, i have a short list of notes that i've been taking as i read, conversations that stand out to me or footnotes that particularly amused me, but i keep coming back to one line that stood out to me quite early on. in context, this line comes from crowley during the conversation where he is first attempting to fully convince aziraphale about stopping armageddon, specifically when they're talking about exerting equal forces on warlock to make him normal:
"You're saying the child isn't evil of itself?" [Aziraphale] said slowly. "Potentially evil. Potentially good, too, I suppose. Just this huge powerful potentiality, waiting to be shaped," said Crowley. He shrugged. "Anyway, why're we talking about this good and evil? They're just names for sides. We know that."
(pg. 67)
"They're just names for sides." if i had to pick one line to sum up the view on religious morality of this series, this would likely be it.
on the one hand, i tend to interpret a lot gomens' take on heaven & hell within the context of its political stance, something that is particularly obvious through a line from gabriel in s2e2 where he tries to clarify to aziraphale that heaven isn't trying to hurt job directly, but instead is just not stopping hell from doing horrible things to him. while there may be some additional nuance to add to this take within the context of british politics that i don't really know well enough to add about, i'm inclined to see this from the side of my own familiar american politics, which might hold some weight considering how long mr. gaiman's lived around here. point is, my current interpretation of that line is that it helps in more clearly establishing the analogy of heaven & hell as the story moves forward into newer seasons and thus more contemporary politics, equating heaven with mainstream liberal politics & politicians and hell with conservatives.
this stance seems to be emphasized even more in the tv show than the book which makes sense considering its been coming out more recently, and especially in season 2 which is still quite caught up in a lot of quarantine-based reflection. (the tv show puts a lot more emphasis on heaven & hell in general, actually, perhaps initially a byproduct of actually being able to see those environments in their entirety and all the angels & demons that populate them- but we'll get to that.)
the book takes a slightly different stance that, fittingly, seems more reflective of the time it came out. in particular, i was struck a lot more when reading the book by adam's rise (fall?) to power, and how much of it was motivated by a burgeoning nervousness/pessimism about climate change and the anxieties of younger generations that comes with inheriting an earth that feels so fucked up. honestly if anything it's only gotten more relevant in that respect, what with the current vibe on the internet & the hopelessness of the doomer gen z gang, but it also has a distinctly different flavor to me from the tv show, which i think is largely because it's less connected to Formal politics since again we see a whole lot less of heaven & hell as such distinct, bureaucratic entities.
instead, there is a very distinctly amoral aspect to heaven & hell that we get through lines like the one above and especially from characters like crowley. this is why i argue that good omens, despite having so many religious elements, is such a deeply secular take, especially when it comes to its ethics & morality- Good and Evil, notably with the capital letters in this case, has very little to do with actual actions and much more to do with the name that you stamp on top of said actions. heaven & hell and the angels & demons that we see directing and watching and generally fucking with aziraphale & crowley throughout the story are distinctly separate from humanity, and as we see even more as the story progresses, distinctly unaware about what it even means to be a human, in both a deeper philosophical & very basic and literal sense. Good and Evil is simply another name for the sides- and thus the true ethics is something separate, and based in a deeply human experience.
in my opinion this is also why aziraphale & crowley, lovers of humanity and also to some degree spokespersons of it from how much they've "gone native," tend to be so deeply at odds with both heaven & hell and always end up agreeing with each other over their own supposed sides. what makes aziraphale & crowley so distinctly different is that they ascribe to the same ethics & morality that humanity does, or at the very least are trying to figure out ethics & morality & How to Be a Good Person in the same horribly messy way that humans do, separating them from the black & white "this side Good & this side Bad," logic that the rest of heaven & hell instinctively ascribe to.
there's a lot of nuance here, which is also why i think there is such an emphasis on moral ambiguity (and love, but we'll get to that) throughout season 2. the story of job, grave robbing, & questionable attempts at matchmaking- aziraphale is working through a lot of Shit right now when it comes to trying to figure out what the Good thing actually fucking is, and i think it's key that a lot of that is motivated by crowley himself. crowley might'e been cast out of heaven for asking too many questions, but aziraphale is there & listening to them & giving them the serious thought they deserve, and that can't be overlooked.
sidenote: i couldn't figure out a place to shove this in, but i also wanna point out that a lot of this is tied to the idea of growing over time too. on the same page as the quote transcribed above is another line from crowley leading up to aziraphale's question that puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that warlock is going to be a product of nurture, not nature. again, this is an argument against basic black & white assigned-at-birth morality for the ability of humans to grow & change over time and be influenced by the people around them.
it's notable that despite adam's supposed origin as a Son of Satan, what really gets him to stop the apocalypse in the end is the fact that he doesn't really give a shit about all this big plans but instead just wants to hang around his friends. there's a lot of emphasis in the book placed on how beautiful & nice tadfield is as a place for a young kid to grow up, how well loved & fiercely protected it as as something beloved to adam. while he might be overwhelmed when faced with the full picture of how horrible the world can be, ultimately what he cares about is loving & taking care of the people & places that he grew up learning were precious, and the only way to do that is to keep growing & changing yourself within that world and trying to help it also grow into something better, not throw it all away just for the slightest chance that you could restart. a message worth taking the time to think about, at the absolute very least.
3. finding morality w/in humanity: crowley & aziraphale and speculation for s3
i have complicated feelings about both aziraphale & crowley throughout a lot of the show and especially in season 2. i think a lot of people, myself included, are inclined to see crowley as the voice of reason in this season, and for good reason- as i mentioned before, a lot of aziraphale's deeper questioning of the status quo and goodness (Goodness) as a whole is motivated by questions from crowley.
i kiiind of mentioned this in my previous essay, but to state it more clearly, my take on crowley is that he's arriving at the right answer for the wrong reasons, and, conversely, aziraphale is arriving at the wrong answer for... kind of also the wrong reasons but also slightly for the right reasons. let me explain.
crowley is clearly much more aware of the flaws in both heaven & hell than aziraphale is, which seems to be the basis behind a lot of his motivation in asking aziraphale so many questions in the first place. he's also, as maggie & nina point out in s2e6, deeply lonely, often running away or getting ready to fight literally anyone that isn't aziraphale (or humans, but that's a little more complicated). from his reaction to beelz & gabriel getting together, i think it's pretty clear that he still hasn't entirely given up on the whole alpha centauri idea, and it makes sense- as i said in that last essay, crowley basically won the argument at the end of the previous season when it comes to aziraphale & crowley, "making [their] own side," so he doesn't have much reason to face any of his personal fears until maggie & nina basically point out that they exist directly to his face. once they do point it out, however, he's very motivated to act & does so almost immediately, even after hearing what aziraphale has to tell him and being pretty thoroughly devastated by it.
my point here is that crowley is correct in seeing the toxicity of both heaven & hell, he's just flawed and largely motivated by fear (up for debate if that's all it is, but i certainly think it's a big part of it) in his desire to run away from it all. it's not quite armageddon, again he's going more flight > fight here, but he's still ultimately giving up and that's not a great conclusion.
on the other hand, as some others on this site have pointed out, aziraphale is certainly showing a lot of strength in his willingness to keep fighting & try to change things for the better, but it's not hard to see how that belief has been twisted. one of aziraphale's biggest flaw in motivation at this point imo is that he doesn't just believe in goodness but Goodness, the kind that's tied to heaven always being right & all actions being morally Good so long as they're done under the name of heaven, and that clearly also isn't great.
thus what i think the both of these two really need ultimately is that deeper connection to humanity, and the ethics born from humans interacting with humans. we can already see how strong these two are when they collaborate, even when they're doing their absolute best to be as subtle as possible, but what i think they need is to once again be grounded by humanity, not to get so caught up in the bullshittery of heaven & hell and Good & Evil, but once again find a goodness defined by the world that they mutually love so much and stick with it.
i keep tossing a question around in my head about whether or not aziraphale & crowley are going to end up human by the end of this series. it feels natural that they would, they're already so at home and in love with earth & around humanity, but i'm also not entirely sure if that would be a happy ending for them considering how long they've watched & loved the world as it's changed. perhaps taking this post into account is another push towards humanity as a happy ending, not running away to a cottage to get away from the world (i just can't see running away to a cottage to be together as as happy ending, sorry- it might work for beelz & gabriel but not for aziraphale & crowley), but choosing to settle down within that world that is so dear.
#'just three sections' LAFFS. YEAH#astronaut rambles#good omens#gomens#no but i like this one a lot better than the last attempt at a gomens essay#this one feels a lot cleaner. more focused?#got a bit sappy at the end but i don't mind humanity is always worth loving#also off topic but i read this really interesting paper at work the other day#about pratchett’s writing in discworld & zizek & religion#forget what it’s called now but it was an interesting take on how fiction/fantasy can allow for deeper insights/reflection of reality#got some discworld books today so looking forward to reading those once i slurp up the last hundred or so pages of good omens#also thanks to my dad for having some interesting commentary on the job interpretation in s2e2 today#i all but literally slept through sunday school so i think a lot of the more noteworthy religion takes in this show go over my head =3=‘’#man i am so very much looking forward to how season 3 continues this story#i feel like a lot of the big conclusions there are really gonna be important for the direction of the story’s main message#season 2 is just. such a transition season it’s hard to get super distinct conclusions sometimes#like it’s still going somewhere there’s shit developing#it’s not like sherlock where it just teases deeper meaning forever but gives you nothing#but. it’s just so obviously Not Over Yet and I Need More#anyways much love i need to go to bed now arghfjdkd lots of shit to do in the future but all i wanna do is keep writing gomens essays. sigh#brainrot central#oh yay my phone’s at 69% now ☺️ wheeee#good omens meta
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
i tried so hard to be kind and sweet and all of these things that are supposed to be good? and valued? but im alone again and i dont think ill ever not be
#if you recently asked me how i am doing. sorry#i do remember and value that. its just very hard to trust that as something i could ever actually lean on#like even to say that feels like maybe i am overstepping. so. yeah thats where im at haha#ive just gotten burned way way too many times at this point#forged in fire??? burnt to ashes#i used to think phoenixes were relatable but not really anymore#the vibe has changed completely#and really im on my way out. not in like a super depressing way im not about to kill my body but when i say#im transitioning to a p zombie its . not a fucking joke im done here#my support group of all things went to shit yesterday too so i really have nowhere to stand im just breaking breaking. breaking. breaking .#dissolving. dying. and im like kind of hurt that nobody even cares enough to know these things about me#but how can i blame people for not knowing that asking me how im doing is not enough#or like how can i blame people for not caring#ppl got their own lives or whatever idk how this shit works.#man im just so so so done.#my friend told me about some future worries today and i was just sitting there like man. how do you even.#talk like you will have a future#like anything matters like any of this is real#because to me it's pretty clearly not#i didn't say that shit to him obviously#id like to keep a friend or two around just in case idk#someone to go on a walk with#sometimes he asks me what i think about stuff#i like listening to myself talk. so i benefit from that#anyway the point of this post was that while im done being a self im also very fucking done being selfless#acting like i think i can help people or something. i cant. i dont want to. i dont care.#i just dont fucking care anymore.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
sittin' here crying over a bottle of men's perfume that my dad gave me
#its always so hard to tell how supportive my dad really is of my transitioning cause he gets weird and dismissive if I ask him questions-#about say how to shave....#but when Juni was visiting me he said (about me) 'he's a good kid' and i haven't forgotten about that.... it still brings tears to my eyes#and today.... when i was in the middle of stealing one of his old pc screens he suddenly appeared holding-#a bottle of men's perfume and men's deodorant and asked if I wanted to have it#i was honestly abit flabbergasted like 'are you serious?' but he genuinely wondered if i wanted it#WHICH I DID#i just.... sometimes he shows the smallest gestures that he's trying to come to terms with it and it just.... the fact that he's trying#it just makes me so goddamn happy i can't even express it#insane how these small things can mean so much
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
rrrrrrrrr im so frustrated with my writing. its just been weeks of struggle and whyyyy. idk i think i need to rework or rethink what im going for with this one or something, its like i can feel the threads of the themes i wanna do are sooo close to tying together but it just isnt quite reaching yet and so it reads like a stilted bland mess but the more i stare at it the further away it feels aaah
i know it can get there i kNOW it can, the ending and like aha moment is so cleaaaar that i think its almost too solid and thats why my beginning feels so fucked—like i just keep asking myself 'well if hes gonna get there in chapter 5, whats stopping him from getting there now in chapter 2??' i tHOUGHT i had reasons but now that im there i just keep instinctually writing him to have the connecting/realization moment anyway and like. if that's how it is then what even IS the story??? i need a break
#leaving for my parents for christmas tomorrow and while its always a little lowkey stressful there esp during holidays#itll be nice to at least have a different stress than this one for a few days lmao#mandatory writing break coming at a good time ig#anyway a lot of the real problem is that a big reason i wanted to write this fic is bc i wanted to explore tsukkis mental space during#the ball boy arc bc i feel like its an interesting transitional time for him in terms of like being after his big moment but then#he slightly regresses in that post match bathroom scene until yamaguchi sets him straight and like. i love just how furudate is showing#that growth isnt linear and so i wanna explore how tsukki would feel during the camp (which he didnt seem stoked to go to)#and in contrast with hinata who couldnt go but weasels in anyway and like how does tsukki deal with#that intensity of stupidity and passion in regards to how he feels about his own relationship to volleyball now#like i dont think its a straight line from blocking ushijima -> admitting yeah sometimes volleyball is fun#i think theres some wavering in there and oooo i wanna explore it but FUCK its hard??#why furudate why does tsukki deny extra practice the first night of rookie camp but accepts the second night??#i know why he accepts night 2 im excited abt that. i'm big time struggling with pinpointing why he says no night 1 in a way#that doesnt come off like 1 hes fully regressing 2 like im having him say no purely bc thats how it is in canon so magical ~plot reasons~#truthfully furudates reason is probably just 'was funny to have tsukki and kunimi say no in unison' and it isnt out of character for#tsukki to say no either but i also can feeeel it i can feeel the threads of a solid character developmental reason that will fit with#all the OTHER stuff im also trying to do lmao#i just need to piece it together in the right way in the right order and right emphasis#and its so cloooose rn but ugh it just feels wishwashy atm#and so. i struggle lmao#eesh anyway fun tag rant yay#heres to hoping not thinking about this for a week will help#x#....who wants to take bets on whether ill delete this later lol
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
See I would try to socially transition for a few years first, except no one refers to me as he/they
#ignore me i'm journaling in another tab lol#when you look like me and say you go by all pronouns it's always “she” lol. sometimes the rare “they”#and the one that always makes me laugh: 'her pronouns are they/them'. like thanks mate very helpful#and i do go by all pronouns so it's all good! i just wonder if i should try these two out exclusively for a while#i say this as if i didn't do this a few years ago. ......shut up.#i'll say that the last time i went out with pals and my partner i asked them to refer to me as he/him for the night and it didn't feel weir#but idk. i think it only sometimes feels weird because 1) it's so binary and 2) i clearly do not look like a cis guy so it's hard to pictur#i.................... think i HAVE been socially transitioning for three years. damn it.#i wish pronouns just didn't exist lol. it's too hard to decide#and every time i get excited about transition and ALMOST decide to do it i suddenly remember aaaaaall my partner's family members exist.#mostly their SIL's family. very very big and traditional. that wedding this summer was dysphoria HELL. absolute hell.#i understand why people start hrt without telling anyone. my god it's so much easier and no one can try to convince you not to do it.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#sometimes u just gotta have a cringe fail weekend. is what i tell myself bc i let the fact that i forgot to check my new#email completely obliterate me. also i haven't been sleeping enough. also just the normal thoughts in my head#by which i mean the part of my brain that demands consequences for inattention by means of suffering. devine punishment.#which is irrational and annoying but knowing that doesnt seem to help. so ive just been laying here in the hopes i come unspooled and start#to disintegrate. which is annoying bc ive got stuff to do#specifically bc i am supposed to b a TA this semester. which is what i figured but also feared#so. thats gonna b a lot. tho not as much as my old school bc they dont make TAs do literally everything here apparently#but. itll b a lot. and also i have to finish signing up for classes. bc i didnt do that back in April by my brain was melting. also i have#to keep doing my job and dealing with my data. ugh. well. being a TA isnt so bad. i do like to help ppl learn even if im not very good at it#like. i struggle with thr talking to ppl part. like the transition of ny thoughts to something thst makes sense#oh well. hope i end up teaching something im not too unqualified for. i could do soils. Ecology. uhhh. maybe intro bio but i never even took#university level biology. i just skipped upper level courses. that's probably it. anything else would b a lotta faking it#ugh. im tired. i should go to sleep at 9pm. thr sun hasbt even set and i should sleep#tomorrow i have to get my shit together. but also i wanna email my new professor like hey bro like what do u want me to do???#like how do i start in this lab? when do we start talking. like just not to b pushy but whats thr procedure?#i like Structure but also its like weeks until the semester starts so we got time. im just a lil nuts#jesus. its gonna b an interesting semester. hopefully fun but uh it is sorta like taking a boat out when u can see big ominous clouds#like im sure ill b fine but also i might get dumped over into a watery grave. i just. i have a lot of papers to write#and its gonna b hard to b a student on top of that. partly bc what im gonna b doing now is almost completely unrelated#which is probably y ppl stick to the same track they stsrt on. that awkward moment when ppl ask u if ur gonna keep working with bi0crust#and ur like uhhhh no fuck that actually the work ive done in the past 4 years makes me hate myself✌️#so we r back at square 1. well not 1 bc its sorta related but its a pretty big reset#itll b fine once things start. its just thr anticipation that kills me#unrelated
6 notes
·
View notes