#but some of us are really spiraling away from reality rn

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

Ok I’ve seen some doomerism post-election that has clearly lost touch with all reality but this is next-level. If you’re thinking this way:

1) breathe.

2) go get some sunlight and maybe talk to a human being offline and/or not about Trump

3) step away from the go bags and emergency plans, because I guarantee you that whatever you are packing and planning in that state of mind isn’t actually going to be what you need if/when you need it. He doesn’t come into office until January. You can do this tomorrow or next week, once you’ve taken care of yourself. You can’t prepare for anything if you’re spiraling this badly.

4) breathe.

5) there will be history books. I know this because there have been kingdoms, and dictatorships, and empires where accurate literature was outlawed. They all fell eventually, and we know about them because someone somewhere wrote them down.

6) Even if you or I or we don’t survive this, if there are people still left in the world this history will be told and remembered. If there aren’t people left in the world, our stories will still be visible on pages and in photos, even if there’s nobody to remember. The concept of recorded information is not going to disappear. Our records will outlast us in the end.

7) if you are so worried about there being no histories, no truth, no stories left from those who are impacted, then I want you to pick up a notebook or piece of paper or napkin, or open a word document if you know a place (like a public library or school) that offers free printing services. Write now, write later, write what’s happening, copy and paste screenshots from social media, and hell copy/paste whole news articles, and print them. Write in class, write at work if you can, write before bed and when you wake up. This is how stories survive when they’re illegal. Take your pages and notebooks and printouts and put them in something watertight and secure, that you can carry with you, or give them to a trusted person with a house and bury them in old clothes, or make a time capsule. If you are afraid of the history of this time disappearing, it is in your power to change that.

8) or don’t. You don’t have to do it now, or this week, or this month. It’s something you can do, not something you have to do. Do it if it makes you feel better. Do it if it makes you worry less. Do it if it makes you feel powerful. You can also write or draw about things utterly irrelevant. It’s still your voice. Otherwise? Rest, be kind to yourself now.

9) breathe.

[charmedreincarnation]

hi i’m sorry for this small rant. i really hope you reply to it because i’m spiralling so bad. i have been listening to v powerful luckiest girl and get all your desires instantly forced subs and i had two really bad days and overall my life feels so shit and i feel like nobody gives a shit about me feel left out with my friends and am really regretting some past choices i have made as in subjects i chose to study. why do subs not work on me ever? i detach but subs just don’t work for me idk what should i do i want to enter the void and live my better/dream life but i keep failing and i’m so spiraling so hard rn. i am not even seeing small success i can’t even manifest my acne away or to grow a few inches how will i enter the void and magically change my life entirely. please help me out. how do i manifest or enter the void as soon as i can. i am being delululu living in 4d but yes ik if i am truly living in the end i shouldn’t have doubts but it’s been so many months when will i see results in my 3d. manifestion should be instant right. i’m sorry for my negativity i hope you have a great day

Hi love! I feel like any of this could be answered in another ask, but you seem really worried, so I'm going to answer it anyway!

First and foremost, you are allowed to have doubts. Just because you have doubts doesn't mean you're producing those thoughts. From a psychological perspective (which aligns with LOA), our thoughts are not entirely our own. This is a scientific truth, whether you believe in LOA or not. Scientists say that our thoughts are influenced by external factors such as our environment, upbringing, and the thoughts of others. Sound familiar? They also claim that we have the power to change our thoughts and create our own reality by consciously choosing the thoughts we entertain. So, just know that you're going to have doubts until the end, but as long as you categorize them as random thoughts and not your own beliefs, they don't matter! For example, if someone dressed as Chucky the doll jump-scared you and you started having "scary" thoughts about it, that doesn't mean you actually believe Chucky is real and coming to get you. You have psychological responses to certain things that have been ingrained and coded in you for a while now. What LOA does is help us intercept these false messages and reframe them as "useless" instead of messages we encode in our mind and assumption.

I've always been interested in psychology and neurology, and even though it doesn't directly relate to your question, it's important to mention that you do have a brain, and your brain is wired to act in certain ways. Once you're aware of why you're acting and believing certain things, it becomes way easier to understand that the 3D world is malleable. I really suggest reading books by authors like Joe Dispenza so you can understand yourself better. Also, watching YouTubers who explain anxiety and reading self-help books can provide helpful ways to manage your own anxiety.

The second thing is, if you don't believe in subliminals, I don't know why people do this, but if you don't have faith in something or assume it doesn't work for you, just use something you have a little faith in. For example, maybe you're more logical. You can read about brain waves and then listen to binaural beats for anxiety,manifesting, and faith. Have faith in it, because you'll understand and know that those waves genuinely change your brain's alignment. That's just one example, but subliminals are not the only type of audios out there. There are many other methods to explore.

Also, meditation is very helpful. Not just to reach the void, but do you know how many conscious thoughts we have in a day? On average, it is estimated that a person has around 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day. These thoughts can range from conscious, deliberate thoughts to automatic, repetitive thoughts. That doesn't even include the number of unconscious thoughts we have, which is probably 100k+. You constantly have these little things running around in your head, trying to keep you alive, keeping you repeating the same thought patterns, beliefs, and assumptions. You can't consciously control them most of the time, but your brain and mind are working overtime 24/7. It's not your fault, so that's why meditation can help you. Not just to reach the void, though you can tap into that using some form of meditation as well, but to clear your mind and then it’s there it will be better to affirm and believe you can do whatever you desire. If you're not truly embodying the desired state, which you're not because you sent this ask, do you think a few measly affirmations can counteract the hundreds of thousands of thoughts you've been having every day since birth, most of which you don't even know exist? Affirmations do work, but trust me, I've been where you're at and worse. This is not the state to solely rely on "miracle affirmations" because you won't believe them, and when something doesn't happen, you'll just want to give up and confirmation bias will make you subconsciously think, "Well, see? I knew it. It isn’t real" But in reality, your mind is just looking for proof to align with your negative beliefs.

I know you say you haven't manifested anything, but can you really think back to something you thought was a "coincidence" or something you didn't really ask for but it just appeared? We usually brush those off as just the world at play or a small world, but nope, that was you. Maybe you don't have clear skin or whatever your desire may be, but as you probably know, that's because you've put it on a pedestal compared to all the other "small" but great things you've manifested

I know you probably wanted me to tell you exactly what to do, but I genuinely don't know you the way you know yourself - your own self, mind, and behaviors. You know best, fr! I could have said anything I've said before, like imagination is the real reality, the 3D being malleable, if you can see and feel it you can manifest it, try SATs or lucid dreaming lalala. But I've learned that you know what you have to do. Sit and meditate to learn about yourself and your mind, and why you think what you think. What past experiences do you still hold onto, reliving them in your mind and creating assumptions that no longer serve you? They can still affect you, we are humans and emotions cling to us like bees to honey, and that's okay. But we need to start moving those experiences into the past and start creating with what we are now, which is the present. Any given moment is a time to say, 'Okay, this doesn't serve me anymore, and this does. I don't want this life anymore, I want this type of life,' and consciously start creating with those desires instead.

Acknowledge your doubts, they're just doubts, and they're really just an extension of life factors that have been slowly consuming your mind. You may have them, but as a god, do you have them? No. But as a human, you are influenced by them, and who cares? You know who you are and your power now, so if you disregard them, work around them. But I can't tell you what to do because I'm not you! I wholeheartedly believe that you will get through this because I have as well and the lows are just apart of your journey as the success as corny as it sounds. But when you do succeed I promise you’ll back to this movement and just be very happy you didn’t give up despite how hard it was 💝

[oleander-nin]

I'm honestly not sure how to start this without sounding wonky, but going back to the turtles not starting as yanderes, I was trying to think up what would make them snap, because it's a Saturday and I was bored. Anyway, I realized it probably wouldn't actually be just one thing, (and not just because I couldn't think of something for everyone) with normal crushes it's not typically one thing happens and they're head over heels. It feels like in most cases they would have to at least been a bit unstable. For all of them something that would probably factor in, at least a bit, is the fact that they've been kinda socially isolated. For the first 15(?) years of their life the only person they'd consistently interacted with was April, and even after they started meeting new people most of them were villains.

As for them individually Raph

It's pretty obvious the guy is paranoid, factor that in with someone that's often in danger, either because they're hanging with the turtles and come into contact or because the plot demands it, probably wouldn't end super well. I feel like he honestly would snap if someone he was already pretty attached to got majorly injured, like close to death. Or something that I've also seen some stuff with him all krangified and adding onto that I think one of the writers(creators?) said on twitter that he would pick up on some thoughts/mentality which would probably make any sort of yandere behavior stuffs worse

Leo I think sure it's been outright stated that Leo feels useless or at least implied, I honestly cant remember. But anyway, I feel like Leo's hypothetical new friend/crush hanging out with other people and just generally not spending time with him would slowly start to get under his skin.

Donnie Donnie often feels like he's overlooked or just generally misunderstood by his brothers so someone showing any interest in his tech would be amazing for him. While Raph is obviously the more overprotective one, Donnie canonically overthinks things already and he'd probably somehow think himself into a corner and decided to check on the cameras outside their house. Just once wouldn't hurt right?

Mikey Mikey is a youngest child (and therefor feral/j) and probably used to getting what he wants and getting away with stuff. I've seen a lot of interpretations of him Idolizing his S/O and honestly that makes the most sense to me. He starts idolizing a friend or someone he knows and it starts spiraling past anything tethered in reality.

These aren't super great but I'm some random annon and not the one with an actual writing blog ( 〃 ．．) On another note I figured out how to do colors (⁀ᗢ⁀) -🍰

"For all of them something that would probably factor in, at least a bit, is the fact that they've been kinda socially isolated. For the first 15(?) years of their life the only person they'd consistently interacted with was April,"

This. See, you get it. I firmly believe that them having no interactions with anyone other than themselves and April(and then villains) would do them any good. Their entire life is structured around each other and like one human up until they're ~15. Then, they meet some more people yeah, but almost every one of them starts out or just is a villain. I think everyone but April even in ROTTMNT started out as a villain and just got redeemed(but I can't remember rn). That's going to twist their world view sm.

I really like your Raph analysis(?) but I am fixed on the "I think one of the writers(creators?) said on twitter that he would pick up on some thoughts/mentality" part because WHAT. That's crazy. I love that. Putting that in my back pocket even if it's not true because the amount of concepts I can squeeze from that is insane.

For Leo, his object of affection ignoring him would absolutely drive him insane. I feel like throughout ROTTMNT, he is always trying to prove himself in some way, so his crush/friend focusing on anything other than him would not go well.

For Donnie, I have nothing to add because what you said is perfect ily mwah

See, I only half agree with the idolization personally(Which is my bad because ik a lot of people like it). I just can't see him that way, I guess? Mikey's a bit spoiled and he wants to prove he's just as good as his brothers and can do the things they can. He's kind but a little abrasive and stubborn when he gets down to it. He'd see his friend/crush as his muse, but they'd be the top of his world, but I think sometimes it gets taken too far. He absolutely does spiral over it though, mans creates a whole new reality in his head.

"These aren't super great but I'm some random annon and not the one with an actual writing blog" - With love, how do you think most blogs start out? From what I've seen, you have a really good creative burst and your writing is pretty solid. It's not hard to follow what your saying and I like your headcanons and such. You'd do great on your own writing blog if you ever made one. Don't assume anyone knows what they're doing just because they started a blog lol. You're doing fine.

anyways, this was so cool to read! I'm in awe of your brain and your creative drive. I'm wishing you all the best and hope you have a great day/night. Sorry for taking so long to answer this.

[intothecometverse]

what (i think) helped me manifest a lot of stuff recently

HI ITS BEEN A WHILE. ANYWAYS, IM IN COLLEGE NOW YIPPEE [insert yippee creature here].

so basically life's been pretty good (whoa look, that's an affirmation there!). I've been chillin. haven't been too busy. and honestly the peace and quiet's been giving me time to like, flush away the negative thoughts I've developed during hs.

AND GUESS WHAT. i've been having more time to focus on my spirituality. and honestly there's been a lot of good things happening that allowed to be happier with my surroundings. and i basically just used those positive thoughts to spiral into more positive thoughts, and boom life is ✨SPOILING✨ me rn.

here's some stuff ive recently manifested:

2 ikea sharks: the big blahaj and the little blahaj :3

kandi bracelets!! (i put on my ig notes that i needed scene clothes n stuff, and the next day my mom texted me telling me to choose the set of kandi beads that i wanted cuz amazon was having a big sale!)

so basically: i focus on positive things in my reality -> im able to have more positive thoughts and therefore manifest more positive things in my reality

i want yall to try this (esp if ur struggling): find something good about ur reality. it can either be something ur really grateful for, people who make u happy, moments that make u happy, n so on and so forth. and just focus on that, and focus on how it makes ur reality the reality u want it to be. from there, u can think about ur desires and feel the same amount of happiness from ur current circumstances. use that positive energy from ur current happy moments and channel it into the mindset that u already have it all. (if u need me to elaborate more plz comment or something it's late and idk if im the best at explaining this lmfao)

anyways i'll be seeing u guys

-star

[webslingingslasher]

“hey, i might not wait til marriage but you are and that's fucking cool”🥹🥹🥹 this is so cute and made me feel so good AHHH <3

okay I need to SPILL.

first I wanna say i know this isn’t a big deal and when I eventually talk to him about it, he’ll be reassuring but I’m freaking out first and i wanna talk to the girlies first instead, but I do feel like I can tell him (bc if u can’t talk ab these things w someone, you shouldn’t have sex w them in the first place)

but bro I am FREAKING out HDNDNDND. we’ve been looking at rings. he hasn’t proposed because he said he still wants me to be surprised and stuff but we got carried away talking one night and he let it slip that he wants to marry me and somehow we started looking at rings. we went to a couple shops just to get general ideas bc I have no idea what I want!!

ANYWAYS. I was super excited and I had a full blown freak out earlier😀 I’ve been waiting til marriage my whole life (I’m 23) but he hasn’t, he had multiple sexual partners in high school and college and a couple before he met me. I was just thinking ab our future wedding night bc it’s getting super real now and I don’t think it’ll be that far in the future and I was like omfg. this whole wait and it’ll be over in one night. like “that’s so exciting, FINALLY” type thing bc the wait has been hard😭 I’m just a girl and he’s soodkdjdkskskksskso sexy😭

and then I was like…. It’s all over in one night

and I was like, wait. I’m a virgin virgin. he isn’t. even just fingering/head (which I literally cannot WAIT for😭) is gonna be new bc I’ve never had another guys fingers in me and whatever. and I’m not nervous at all, I’m so excited, I’ve waited so long as u can imagine JDJDKDK but I was like realistically, it’ll probably be overwhelming. and then ur meant to do everything in one go? even in most ‘normal’ relationships where people aren’t waiting till marriage, you don’t usually go from 0-100 in a single night😭 that’s kinda insane. like ‘oh you’ve only kissed a boy? well here is literally everything under the sun!”

and I think I just realised today, for the first time, that maybe that wont realistically be what I want. like doing some things and then the rest after. like we’re gonna be married forever (that’s the plan😭) so we have all this time to go it yk. not that I’d necessarily wanna wait super long after we’re married, but I just feel kinda… bad. like, he’s waited this whole time, just for me. imagine we get married and he’s super excited to finally get to hit and in like “actually……..🤣”

idk. I just feel a little alone because even the religious/non-religious ppl I know (who decided to wait just because), none of them felt this way. they were so ready to just jump in and start boning (as they should bc the wait hasn’t been easy😭) but idk I feel… idk. I feel like that might not be me, like I feel like I might need a little more time just to get used to like, everything in reality yk. bc it’s all fun and games saying it rn but I realised earlier, when I started really thinking about it, that I haven’t done anything and realistically, even ppl that don’t wsit need more time yk.

he obviously won’t make me feel bad for this either, he’s not a monster & he’s very understanding but I’m just spiralling.

this might not even be a problem, realistically the second we’re married I might not even make it to the after party and just be like “dick in me now pls” but… ifkdjdjddjdjw

I’m thinking too much lol. I’ve waited 23 years and it’s so real now that my mind is spinning. I’m sorry for the ramble but thank u for listening & for the girlie talk JDJDJDX💗💗💗💗💗💗 i love u so much

(I am sooo ready to get married tho😭💗)

i am so happy for you both!!! i really wish you the best of luck!

i think him being experianced will help out so much in the long run, but girl, there's nothing to worry about! if he's waited this long, what's a little more? like you said, you may change your mind but you said you wanted to wait until marriage. so i'm with you, why does it have to be your wedding night?

it sounds like he's going at your pace and he's in no rush to bed you either. you already know you're gonna talk to him about this so kudos! and coming from me, it sounds like you're ready for sex and that's awesome.

you're excited and that's the most important. (after loving and trusting your man.) trust me, it'll be worth the wait and i can't wait to hear about the proposal!

[nev3rfound]

don't go yet, please : h.z

you shouldn't have followed after your dear friend, but then again, the baron should know better by now that you'll never be too far behind. (1.8k)

masterlist / permanent taglist / etsy shop - requests open!

requested: well I had a request from @geekgirlofarchangels for friends to lovers and this is what I came up with as I'm a bitch for zemo rn warnings: mentions of blood, descriptions from tfatws also a brief attempt at german (I'm sorry if it's terrible)

(everything on my blog is my own writing. if it is shared on another page or website without being credited, it has not been approved to be shared by me. all rights reserved.)

It was one big mistake going along. You should've stayed back in the apartment as Zemo suggested. However, having been friends with the Baron for many years, he should know better by now than assume you'd do as he suggests.

Standing in the warehouse, you were watching Walker carefully. He was becoming twitchy, his patience clearly wearing thin. "It's too quiet." He states, looking over at Bucky who remains silent.

"I could check, but I am preoccupied here." Zemo chimes in, holding up his cuffed wrists, not missing the quiet chuckle from you.

"Tough crowd, Baron." You spare him a glance, noticing how he is already eyeing up the small lock on the cuffs.

"I'm going in," John steps forward, only to be blocked by Bucky.

That was the beginning of the end for things to work out smoothly. Sure, Zemo being handcuffed by Walker was one thing, but you knew Zemo well enough after all these years to know he'd be out of those within minutes. However, Walker himself was becoming a loose cannon, and you know what they say about those.

"It hasn't been ten minutes yet, John. Just sit tight." Bucky comments.

John continues to pace, nearing you and Zemo. "Don't do that, don't patronize me." John spits back, his breathing becoming frantic.

"He knows what he's doing." You speak up, ignoring Zemo muttering your name at the sight of John pausing and turning his attention to you. "Unlike some people."

"You might wanna watch yourself," John seethes, watching Zemo tug on his handcuffs. "and find better people to hang around with, sweetheart." He looks you up and down, forcing a smirk before focusing on the clock.

Stepping backwards, you can feel a hand brush across yours. Without looking, you accept it and squeeze it three times, relieved when he squeezes back.

"I'm goin' in." John marches toward Bucky, only to be pushed back. "This must be easy for you. With all that serum running through your veins." He scoffs. "Barnes, your partner needs backup in there. Do you really want his blood on your hands?"

The question hangs in the air too long, and without needing an answer, John shoves past Bucky with Lemar on his tail.

"Seriously?" You huff, moving toward Bucky and following behind him.

"Y/n," Zemo speaks up, his voice now echoing in the empty room. "you seem to be forgetting my situation." He motions to his cuffed hand.

"Well, Helmut," Slowly you walk toward him, crossing your arms over your chest whilst you try to suppress the grin forming on your lips. "I suppose you'll just have to get yourself out, you're a pro after all." You tease, turning around and leaving him be knowing he'll be right behind you in a matter of minutes.

*

Echoes of gunfire and voices bounce from the walls as you continue to run through the endless corridors, unsure where you're even heading.

Breathlessly, you find Sam who couldn't look more disappointed. "I was so close getting through to her." He admits, shaking his head. "Walkers lost control, Y/n."

"Where is he?" You ask, but Sam sighs. "I'll find him."

"Y/n," Bucky walks into the room. "I lost her." He states. "There's a dozen of them in there."

"This place is a maze." Sam mutters, taking his eye off you for a moment, just a moment long enough for you to slip out of the room and toward a spiral staircase.

If there's anything Zemo has taught you over the years, always look for a distraction. And for once, it's actually working in your favour.

Your feet guide you toward a large open part of the warehouse, lined with dusted windows.

"Don't," Karli yells, another round of shots being fired from someone whilst you remain out of sight, ducking behind one of the barrels.

Daring to peer around it, you swear to yourself seeing the Baron stood with his gun aimed at the young girl.

"This, this is all," Zemo keeps his gun trained on Karli whilst his attention shifts to the vials of serum beneath his feet. "wrong." He smiles to himself as he stamps on the first bottle, ignoring Karli's cries for him to stop.

"Helmut!" You yell, leaving your hiding spot and head straight toward him.

Before Zemo can finish his mission, his eyes widen at the sound of your voice. "Y/n?" He turns around, only to see the shield enter his peripheral a millisecond too late.

Falling to the ground with a dull thud, your out cold.

Unable to focus on anything else, Zemo rushes to your side. Blood marks your hairline from the impact and he lifts your head up, cradling it in his arms. "My liebling," Zemo mutters, brushing his fingers along the crimson dripping down your cheek. "why must you be so reckless?"

"I learn from the best." You weakly mutter, forcing your eyes to open despite the immense pain coursing through your head.

"What have you done?" Walker emerges from the shadows, a darker look across his eyes that Zemo easily recognises. "You'll pay for this," Zemo seethes, reaching for his gun as his hand shakes, crimson coating his fingertips.

John laughs and steps toward the pair of you, noting you trying to stay awake with little success. "I don't think I will somehow." John states confidently, tearing Zemo's gun from his grip and throws it forcefully against the wall, breaking it into pieces. "Have fun, Zemo." John salutes to the Baron before disappearing back into the shadows, knowing what he has to do.

Taking your hand in his, Zemo squeezes it three times in hope of a response, but you remain limp in his arms. "Come on, Y/n," He whispers, bringing your hand to his lips and presses his lips against your palm. "I can't lose you too."

*

When Zemo emerges from the building, the world is a different place. A man's body lies beneath the feet of Captain America, blood staining the shield and you lay in Zemo's arms.

"Y/n?" Bucky hits Sams arm forcefully, averting his eyes from the scene in the middle of the square to a dishevelled looking baron cradling your body close to his chest.

"What happened?" Sam demands, now walking alongside Zemo who remains lost in his thoughts, thinking back to all that time you spent visiting him in prison, trying to provide some level of sanity to keep him occupied for the short while you had alone.

"He did." Zemo spits the words, his eyes remaining glued to your face, dried blood coating the left side that is hidden in the fur of his coat, tainting the pure white. "I'm going to kill him once my Y/n is awake." He mutters under his breath, not caring if either men hear his comment.

Once they reach Zemo's apartment, the silence between the trio is deafening.

Zemo takes you straight toward his bedroom, knowing you'd prefer privacy rather than being under the watchful eyes of your other friends.

"Oh, little dove," Pulling the silk sheets over your body, Zemo lowers the glass of scotch onto the bedside table alongside a damp towel to clean your blood.

As he presses the towel along your hairline, his free hand cups your face. He brushes his thumb across your cheek, humming a familiar tune.

"This is a nice way to wake up." You mumble, feeling Zemo tense momentarily whilst you keep your eyes closed. "Are the blinds open?"

"Hold on." Zemo moves away from you, taking the warmth with him causing a shiver to ripple through you.

Hiding you from the daylight and the cold reality of the world, darkness coats the walls. "Thanks." You comment, trying to sit upright only to wince and have your arm bat lightly by Zemo's hand.

"Don't move." Zemo instructs, perching on the edge of the bed, his coat thrown across the chair in the corner of the room, hiding the bloodied fur from your view. "You really are stupid sometimes, schatz."

"You really want to have this conversation, now?" Quick to retort, you glare up at your friend, having not forgotten what you witnessed in that warehouse. "It's all gone, isn't it?"

Zemo's prolonged silence answers your question, and he listens to you hum in response.

"Du bist ein idiot, Helmut." You state in German, not missing the tug on the corner of his lips. "But you're my idiot, nonetheless."

Stretching your arm out, you take a hold of his hand, squeezing it three times. "I thought I'd lost you for a moment in there, Y/n." Zemo painfully admits, knowing you were slipping in and out of consciousness.

"I know," You rub your thumb across his knuckles, his hands were always so soft against yours. "but I promise you, Helmut, I'll never go down without a fight."

"I don't want you to fight, Y/n." Zemo sighs heavily. "I just want you to be safe."

Scoffing lightly, you force yourself upright despite Zemo shifting closer. "You can't control that, Helmut." You remind him, having visited him once or twice with some minor injuries from smaller missions with Sam. "Nothing about us is certain, I mean," Trailing off, you can feel the mere thought of the conversation is causing your head to thump.

"Come," Zemo rises to his feet and walks around the bed. "get some rest. We can talk in the morning."

As Zemo approaches the door, you interrupt him. "Helmut, please, don't go." You whimper, faintly seeing him turn back to face you. "I don't want to be alone if I don't have to."

Smiling sadly to himself, Zemo removes his shoes and slides beneath the covers. Within a matter of seconds, he holds you close in his arms, your head resting against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"I'm not going anywhere, Y/n." Zemo whispers, kissing the top of your head as your eyes close, tears dampening his shirt. "Not when I just got you back."

"You sure about that?" You dare to ask, glancing up to see the faint outline of a sad smile crossing his lips as those dark eyes remain on yours.

"When it comes to you, I'm certain." He mutters, feeling you shift in his arms.

Your breath fans his lips before you softly kiss him. Zemo reacts instantly, his hand moving to cradle your neck as he kisses you back, desperate to not let you go.

Eventually, you both part. "Helmut," You breathe out, only for him to kiss you chastely. "I,"

"Don't say it, Y/n." Zemo hushes, knowing if he heard those three words leave your lips he'll never forgive himself if anything happened to you or him. "Save them for me, okay?"

Nodding in response, you mould back into Zemo, his fingers gliding across your shoulder creating various patterns including love hearts without realising it.

Yet, as you begin to drift off, you hear those three words from him, hoping that one day you can say them in return.

t a g l i s t (thank you for the support!) link in my bio and at the top of this piece to add yourself☺️(if your user isn’t tagged, it’s because nothing comes up sorry!)

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[slytherflynn]

Old and New | Pt I

Blaise Zabini x muggle!reader

word count: 1971

summary: y/n is new to France on a study abroad trip. Blaise is visiting France post-Hogwarts. rags to riches story of an unfortunate muggle falling for a complicated, ridiculously wealthy person who just so happens to also be a powerful Wizard.

a/n: this started with an idea, became a moodboard, then became an entire fleshed out fic! I thought it would be short but my brain had other ideas. enjoy! note: I did write this from my personal perspective in life. as a result it is not very inclusive. I plan to change that with my next fics, I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and have been writing a lot of comfort fics and/or self-inserts to escape from irl bc irl is rly shitty for me rn

It’s a brand-new start, in a brand-new apartment, in a brand-new city, in a brand-new country... an ocean away from home. I can bring Tacoma to France, right? At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Study abroad is fucking... scary. I kinda regret it. It’s a good opportunity and for someone who doesn’t travel, it should be a fun experience. But I’m currently having an anxiety attack over taking out the garbage, so I’m not sure my positive self-talk is working.

I look out the window of my top floor apartment, wait until someone finally finishes walking down the stairs, and run out my door - I nearly trip about five times going down the spiral of death, my arms feel like jelly thanks to perpetually pushing my garbage deeper in to avoid this trip, and I swing with all my might to hurl my garbage bag into the trash compacting dumpster - only it hits the bottom lip and falls to the ground, splitting open.

“Great!” I say, sarcastically, “First they send my luggage to the wrong location, then they try to say my passport isn’t valid because my apartment was a temporary address, then I’m greeted with a fridge full of rotting food and no power, then I’m bitten up by fleas and now - I just- fuck. Why can’t I just- do anything- right-“ I cut myself off when I hear a screen door slide and blink a couple times to erase the threat of tears that had been creeping up on me while I ranted.

When I look up, I see a tall, dark-skinned guy about my age - handsome. He’s wearing a suit, and expensive jewelry. Combine that with the fact he’s living in the apartment building next to me, which is worth more than my life just for one month of rent, and I put together that he’s probably rich beyond belief. I quickly look away, not wanting to stare. I silently pick up my garbage, piece by piece. As I work, I feel eyes drilling holes in the back of my head. I ignore it. It continues, and I still ignore it as I finally shove my ripped garbage bag in the compactor and slam the door shut. I hear a slight jump up above, and chuckle to myself.

I zoom back up the stairs and almost make it to the top, but I trip 5 stairs away from my door - and fall, hard. Body laid out flat hard. Cheek scraped and stinging from the metal grating on the stairs, hard. Lost the goddamned slide that caught on the stair, and can see it gradually falling, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, hard. I lift my head and see blood on the stair. I feel it running down my face. All I can think is that this really fucking hurts. The tears come, a combination of pain and frustration, and I pick myself up and stumble my way into my apartment, completely forgetting about the attractive rich boy who just watched me be a danger and inconvenience to myself.

I rush to the kitchen and grab a roll of paper towels, and run to the bathroom, I see the markings in the mirror and can tell it will leave a sizeable scar. Do I need stitches? I don’t know. Anyway, I start dabbing at everything and blood is still oozing out of every nook and cranny, to my displeasure. I’m about to start bandaging my face when I hear a knock on my door. “Fucking Christ!” I mutter to myself as I slap a wad of paper towels on my face and sulkily go to fling open my door.

I’m not sure who I’m expecting, but to see the same rich guy on my doorstep, slide in hand, probably wasn’t it. “Hey, um, I saw what happened, and I thought you might want your shoe back.” His accent sounds very British - I was expecting it to sound more like a snooty Frenchman’s.

“Oh. Um. Thanks.” I say flatly.

As my muscles twitch to begin closing the door, he says, “Would you like some help cleaning that up? I have certifications to give medical aid... and stitches. My name’s Blaise, by the way.”

Doctor, maybe? Probably. “Sure,” I say, opening the door wider and standing back so the blood doesn’t drip on his suit. “I’m y/n.”

A few minutes later we’re in my bathroom, me sitting on the toilet, him sitting on the bathtub as he helps me fix my face. “So, Mademoiselle y/n,” He asks, “Do you find yourself in these predicaments very often?”

“Which one? Poverty, flea bitten, or bloody?” I say.

“I suppose whichever you’d like to think I was referring to.”

“Well, in *that* case - I’m usually caught unawares in all kinds of predicaments - though I’d say self-injury due to clumsiness is an uncommon one. And do you usually find yourself in predicaments requiring you to treat someone’s wounds?”

“I used to, though now it’s only on the occasion.”

“Sounds like an improvement,” I note. “I won’t guarantee it, but I think I’ll get the hang of walking up the stairs soon enough, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily mind it if I did worry about you once or twice more. Why were you running? It seemed like you wanted to get away from something. Does your garbage compactor smell that disturbing?”

“It doesn’t smell great,” I admit, “But truth be told, I’m not a fan of human interaction. It’s scary. Especially when everything is new to me.”

“How long have you been In France?”

“A few days, just enough to get myself physically settled.”

“I see. And you are from America?”

“Mhm. Let me guess, my accent gave it away.”

“And the slang, I’ve yet to hear someone from France use certain terms that you seem to favor.”

“Oh, most of my slang is specific to my city, not just my country.”

“Your city?”

“Yea, Tacoma. It’s near Seattle, if you know where that is. Tacoma’s better, though.”

“I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never been there. My mother is a fashion designer, but she only travels where there’s inspiration or a business deal.” So that’s how he gets the expensive clothes. The rest of the money too, probably.

“Must be nice, having a handmade closet.” I muse. “Not that I care for having any more clothes than I brought. They’re pretty reliable, if I do say so myself.”

He laughs. “Yes, well, if the blood stains don’t come out of your jumpsuit you might need a new one. They shouldn’t be too difficult to remove, though.”

“Yea, I’ll just dump a bucket of Oxi-Clean on it and call it a day. That is, if any stores nearby have it.” I frown, realizing I have no clue if France carries any of the products I usually get. This is gonna suck. Hopefully the internet has some answers so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.

“Why don’t I take your jumpsuit back with me? Save you the trip. Believe it or not, I used to have chronic nosebleeds, so I know a thing or two about stain removal.” Blaise offers.

I smile, only just. “Well, if you insist. But I love this jumpsuit practically more than myself, so I expect it back right away!”

He returns the smile. “A fan of fashion? You ought to meet my mother.”

I chuckle. “I’m sure your mom would despise me - I only own seven jumpsuits and some athleisure for going on runs.” I pause, then tack on: “Oh, and some fuzzy pajamas for when I’m sick.”

Blaise cocks a brow at me. “And when you’re not sick?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I grin mischievously.

A wave of recognition graces his eyes, and he very quickly looks away, I assume for being flustered.

“You Americans, always so scandalous.” He tsks in mock scorn.

“That’s what we’re known for, is it not?” I say cheekily, “Beer, boobs and gun barrels. And all the other problems that come with that, but that’s a can of worms I am not looking to open today.”

He ties off his handiwork, and says, “It looks like my job is finished, other than stealing your jumpsuit off your back to fix it. I can wait in the other room, if you’d like?”

“Um, yea, that works. Lemme just, grab my next jumpsuit. Gonna have to do laundry early, I suppose-“

“I can wash your jumpsuit for you. I’m pretty good at reading labels, if I do say so myself.” He jokes.

“Oh?” I say, “Then you must be a real genius! Who taught you, Einstein?”

“No, but it was another white-haired, eccentric man, so you’re not that far off.”

“When all teachers are like that it’s kind of impossible not to hit relatively close to the mark.” I remark, then change clothes as quickly as I can, tossing the dirty outfit into a trusty plastic bag and tying it shut.

When I walk out to the living room, Blaise is toying with one of my sculptures. He’s definitely been meandering and lurking around. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, at which he jumps. “You’re rather skittish, Blaise.”

“And you’re rather quiet on your feet, y/n.” He observes. “But yes, I quite like your eclectic style. If only you had an apartment that let your customization shine. Something more minimalist.”

“Yes, well, it’s something I’ll forever dream of and likely never accomplish. I don’t suspect I’m going to be someone leaving the income level I was born into.” I say, just a little bit cynical.

“And why is that?” He asks.

“Because most people don’t, and the ones who do are the ones who make money. My career isn’t going to make me money.” I reply.

“So why did you pick it?”

I sigh. “Because somebody has to care about the people like me. The politicians don’t, the middle class don’t, and the rich are hell bent on keeping us there so they can have factory workers and have people going straight to prison after they graduate because we’re all desperate and miserable.”

He frowns. “That’s terrible.”

“It’s reality. And I don’t want to be like the people who get rich and stop caring because all they see is the wage difference and pretend it’s justified so they don’t have to feel complicit in the system.” I look him in the eye, my face grim. “Not all luck is by chance. Most of it is by design.”

He nods. “I understand, in a way.”

“Everyone does.” I say. “But understanding in a way and caring enough to do something about it are two different things.” I look away from him when I see his posture change. “I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s impossible not to notice the wealth gap between us when you’re wearing designer clothes and living in what looks like a mansion and I’m living in a building made in like 1900 with no elevator. It’s just the way things are, though.”

“I know.” He says quietly, thoughtfully. “I’d better get going. Your clothes?” He reaches out tentatively for the bag I’m still holding.

“Oh. Right.” I say, handing it to him. Our fingers brush against each other slightly, and it sends chills down my spine. He heads to the door while I’m rooted to the spot, collecting myself.

“I look forward to seeing you again, y/n.” He nods, meeting my eyes with a rather changed expression.

“I’ll see you soon, then?” I ask, not quite sure which answer I’m expecting.

He smiles, only just. “As soon as I am able.” Seconds later, he’s out the door, and I’m alone in my dingy ass apartment. How in the fuck did any of that just happen?

[tomdutch]

I’m in a 4 year relationship and I just wanna say it’s normal to all of those people who feel a lil sad rn. When you like a celebrity and follow their life OF COURSE it may hurt when you see them romantically linked to someone - especially someone who they’ve had dating tumours with and have denied for a long time. It’s okay to recognise your sadness.

For me, I have OCD. My mum died on Monday from cancer but since her diagnosis I’ve had my own little happy world where Tom’s with me that I escape to to cope. I take it really hard when something like this shatters my happy little world in my head, especially because that’s where I go to escape reality.

To me, it does all seem a little odd. Yes, they could finally be giving themselves a go and couldn’t be bothered to hide it but the faces they pulled in that one pic? Or the video where they kiss and then pull away and then it just feels a bit…weird? Staged? Idk, it could just be me trying to make myself feel better but if it is a stunt then I feel so bad for them. If it’s real then I’m trying to be happy for them obviously…Tom is linked romantically with one girl a year lately so I’m trying to make this easier for myself.

first of all, i am so, so, so terribly sorry abt your mother passing away. i cannot imagine how that must feel and i’m so sorry you have to go through that.

second of all, i also have ocd and it’s really tough for me to not obsess abt things that upset me. it’s taken a lot of my energy to step away and not let myself spiral. escapism is healthy to a degree, and in this post-capitalist hellscape we live in, people with mental illness issues indulge to get some happiness. it’s a way to cope and i would never judge anyone for this, so long as they are not endangering themselves and real life people. i’m sorry this has happened while you’ve been dealing with a tremendous loss and now you feel like you can’t properly find comfort.

regardless of how you might be feeling abt yourself, i want you to know that i’m proud of you and that i am wishing you the absolute best. you can always message me off anon for whatever you need. ocd is such a stigmatized illness and i know from experience the judgement people hold against us. i wish you all the best and i truly hope things get easier for you soon. again, feel free to send me an ask whenever abt anything you want <3

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[jackie-think-about-it]

Tempest

Okay so context: There’s a camp au I’m RPing in discord where Davey is a counselor and shit is going DOWN rn bc Wiesel and Snyder are in charge so uh, yeah

TW: Panic attack. mental breakdown, angst

Davey was trembling. In fact, he had been trembling for the past 6 hours. He had been holed up in his room for even longer. The double whammy of an injured and traumatized Jack, then Nick and Oscar? His calm, collected facade had lasted him through their encounters, but once everything was over, it fled. He had been fine at first, but there was an uncomfortable itch under his skin and an irritating hum in his mind, and they only grew stronger as the days passed.

There was no use in delaying the inevitable. He was intimately acquainted with the way his heart raced and his palms dripped with sweat, how his head would pound from the effort of holding back tears. It was going to happen, so he might as well plan around it. Davey let his co-counselor know he felt a bit sick (he may have used Jack’s excuse) and he agreed to take over for a few days, clearing up his schedule for a good, old-fashioned mental breakdown. 

Many words could be used to describe Davey Jacobs, but ill-prepared was not among them. In the days leading up to the event, he stocked his room with water bottles and granola bars. Not much, but they would do. Then, there was nothing else to do but wait. He waited in increasing dread, which really just made everything worse. 

It hit him late at night. Davey jolted awake, chest heaving and body drenched in sweat. He was frozen in place, hyperventilating and shaking violently. There was nothing he could do other than let the wave of panic crash over him, dragging him deeper into the tempest comprised of his thoughts, worries, and fears. He took several deep, gasping breaths, desperately trying to restore some sense of equilibrium to his surroundings. 

Part of him wanted to call Jack, desperate for some kind of reassurance, but.. Davey couldn’t trouble him with his issues, not when he’d just gone through so much. Just the thought of it caused him to burst into tears, his sobs silenced in the crook of his elbow. What were they going to do? They were barely adults, what impact could they possibly have on the entire situation? Snyder and Wiesel, they were dangerous and cruel. What chance did Jack and Davey have?

Hours passed before he returned to himself. Every spiralling scenario, every discouraging and self-deprecating thought that popped into his head, they swirled around him like a neverending vortex, blocking all sense of time and reality from really registering. When the tears stopped streaming and he could finally breathe, it had to be around the middle of the day. Filtered light shone from the window, and it was noticeably louder outside than in the dead of night. Davey found himself hunched over, curled up as small as possible and tucked in a corner.

He wiped away the half-dried tears, took a couple of steadier breaths, and forced himself to use the brief respite to rehydrate and eat a couple granola bars. Davey had no idea how long it would be before this would all be over, so… Might as well prepare for another spell. He took a shaky gulp of water, already feeling the unsteady thrumming of his heart starting up again. 

And so the days passed, sluggish and all too fast at once. Davey lived in a state of half-reality, half-panic, and as the walls of his little room started closing in on him and he felt trapped in his own mind, he still resolved, stubbornly, to wait it out alone. Nobody else deserved to deal with his bullshit, and he would much rather stay in his room, isolated from the world. He would be fine. He had to be. But for the time being, he could shatter and try to glue the pieces back together behind the safety of a locked door.

[oswednesday]

okay sona deeplore

the sona has the same name as me because thats bold and i love that sims did that and thats where im at rn, here’s some Lore:

They're also known as " The Teeth", with the hotel they worked in at times referred to as the "Mouth of Madness" because of its sordid history. Other nomenclatures are the "The Doorman" and the " The Porter". It's not uncommon for them to take on mutliple every-day identities,picking names and constructing elaborate lives for them, during a so-called job; where they hunt the marked victims down. These false identities are just as readily discarded once their purpose during the job is over.

--

An ability they possess is that they are able to open any door, locked or otherwise. There are some conditions though, in the event of a door exist in domains that It Is Not What It Is clashes with. 

They would be able to enter doors in The Web's turf, but only at the start of a machination, or at the very end; times when the shape of the web is unknowable and times when the shape of the web is known, unfurling and caccooning. Spiralling. Otherwise a primary door has to be somewhere within the web in question for them to come and go as they please. This, of course, is also literal and metaphysical so access to Mother of Puppet's victims, spaces like the internet, information and so on fall under this.

The other is the Watcher's domain, which is stricter due to its nature, needing a door on premise of the Magnus Institute and the like to come and go.

Without a door within a web or a temple of the eye, even opening like completely normal unloked doors can become impossible for them, like the door is suddenly jammed or they push when its a pull, etc.  Without a door, they're prone to getting lost in such spaces even if its a "bathrooms just around the corner" sort of thing.

They have this ability passively and those without strong defenses against that sort of thing get lost with them.

---

Extracting statements directly from them is difficult but not impossible, the statement will be transferred all jumbled up, spotted with non sequiturs, long rambles and all sorts of word salad-y things. Those who have just started manifesting abilities may also get side effects based on whatever precognitive mental issues they might have, example someone prone to losing track of time might lose track of days.

Getting a verbal statement is easier, though they have defenses; if there's something "insane" that they can do, they'd feel compelled to take that action (like cutting out their tongue, swallowing some nails, etc). Giving a statement, however, feels like really, really, really good, like the most relaxing, deepest, message ever, and can even grant some moments of clarity, a small bit of time free from the influences of The Spiral.

Getting thoughts straighten out can be addicting, in a sense and its dangerous for both parties, as The Distorting doesn't make seeing any easier. They do not dream of the statement afterwards (though The Watcher has access to the "fractal dreams" and can effect them, like the dream people reacting to the feeling of being watched, so on), depending on how powerful the acolyte of Beholding is, the Minotaur may not remember the statement they gave at all, like once it was made straight and known, it can slip away from their mind like it never happened. And, again depending on the power of acolyte, the statement taker may have dreams(even for the weakest it tends to be a short lived thing) about the mundane "human" things they left behind or never had, like a loving parent, a successful career in an art field, starting a family, pets, friends, a cool car they wanted at 16 but never got, etc. 

Once a connection is made, a door is there as well. But its a door, not a one way mirror, so while future statement and extractions become easier to pull out intact the  fear of "becoming" on the acolyte of the seeings grows.

---- What they do most often dream about is what feels like their fractured reality. The dreams are completely vivid in their mundanity. A single dream might be them getting up, getting ready to leave the house, going to work somewhere else and spending the company of people they never met, visiting family they never had, and so on, sometimes the change can be as small as having a single pair of socks which they don't own, these dreams tend to unfold on themselves as well, they'll dream they went to sleep; woke up, and fell asleep again, only to dream of a dream within the dream they're having. To the Minotaur, this is as frustrating and disorientating as it sounds, sometimes they're unsure if they're asleep or awake.

The second dream they have most frequently is one is a bacchanalia feast where all the abstract beings sit together and feast on the matieral world as equal at a grand table. This is probs just a stress release dream and nothing prophetic in anyway.

As such they're really amicable towards the other cultist, avatars and aspects. They readily give favors and help out when they can and regularly offer bites off a victim to the others, just as long as the Spiral gets the final bite.

Because this reciprocal altruism isn't always returned, the Minotaur isn't above just taking what they want, be it a weapon, a birth record, or something abstracted like a bit of mindless rage. How they take it doesn't seem to be documented anywhere, but it does happen without fail (so it was likely that the target was going to misplace it anyway) They seldom keep what they take and whatever they take can be found in any lost and found that you don't remember the building having.

.----- The hotel they work for functions similar to the Magnus Institution and the like, but due to the nature of The Spiral, the hotel is also moldable. The Minotaur can have it take the shape of a seedy motel, a hospital, an asylum, a prison, a school; anywhere with long winding corridors, tons of a doors that can create the feeling of getting lost.

 And, perhaps, in part because of their want to work with others, there are some structures that are going to look fake to the victim without assistance from other powers. Some examples, books in a library made be empty cardboard shapes with crude crayon titles without the assistance of someone from The Watcher or from The Web, a prison may just be confusing without some help from The Burried to give it a crushing oppressive feeling, or a hospital may be completely pristine or entirely fake without the aid of The Corruption to lend more accuracy to already used medical supplies.Of course, a fake library and whatnot can be just as if not more scary than whatever they were attempting to do. Century old players would know that this gap in power is a hang up in the existing Minotaur and not the "norm".

--- They keep track of favors in such a way that might make someone of The Web evious, but there's no entanglement or devouring at then end, once its made even you're allowed out.

[charmspoint]

I know you said they don't have a concrete story yet, but would you be ok with telling us more about Zan and Ghost? They seem really interesting

Anon you don't know what you unleashed its like past 1am here but I could talk about them forever.

This is gonna be under the cut because nobody has to be subjected to this.

General quick point: Both of these started off as bnha oc's but then reached that point where I was like 'yeah, I want them in their own story' so rn their powers are just powers with no wider context since I aint got that story

I'm gonna start with Zan cuz he's older by creation and my fav oc atm. For him we have TW's of child abuse and neglect, familial death, trauma, drug abuse, depression and anxiety, though I'll be running through this points as quickly and non graphically as I can cuz...I'm not gonna make you read my thesis so it should be fine.

His full legal name is Kazuya Moriyama but he goes by Zan Mori, he's 24. Zan was created to be two things 1. Character design with a fully body tattoo 2. Someone to use a power I came up with but didn't match with a character yet.

Here's that power, yes I have a copy paste off it:

Nightmare fuel is a power that terrorizes everyone, including its user. Zan’s sweat contains a special kind of chemical that when smelled causes mild to severe hallucinations, paranoia and other fear responses by interacting with victims brain chemistry. However, this chemical is only contained in sweat that he produces as a result of fear so, for example if he goes running in the gym, nothing bad will happen. The strength of the power depends on how much Zan himself is afraid and how much sweat he is producing. A weak dose will only result in sense of unease, a feeling of being watched, escalating through general paranoia, with its worst manifestation being complete loss of touch with reality and intense hallucinations. It's odorless and since it’s a chemical can be stored for later use. The last stages of it are very hard to reach because they require for Zan to be at similar levels of severe distress. It affects him as well, often resulting in endless loop of him being afraid, activating his power because of his fear, the power causing more intense fear and so on.

So here is where we start to build.

Zan's backstory hinges on him developing this power very early on in his life, as a result of mutation that his parents were not ready for. Kids get scared of things, a lot, especially when their own power feeds back into that fear. His family quickly spiraled from it, going from trying to figure out how to help him to neglecting him to dying very bloodily in front of him as a result of the constant psychological distress. After that he was cycled through different foster and youth homes with pretty similar result before striking it on his own basically as soon as he could.

Zan's main motivation is to find a way to get rid of his power. He hates it, hates what it represents and how it essentially stripped away his ability to connect with anyone. He doesn't control it, he doesn't activate it, it simply happens to him whenever he gets distressed and as someone with deep seated anxiety caused by that very same power, he gets distressed a lot.

He self-medicates. He self medicates a lot. I don't really have the world planned out but it's very much a world where powers are a new thing and the society just doesn't have systems in place to catch people like Zan. So he basically keeps himself high as much as he can, to numb himself out so he doesn't feel anything so he doesn't get scared so his power doesn't get activated.

When I created Zan, I expected him to be a very jaded, angry, abrasive character and in some ways he is. He's very slow to trust and tends to keep away from people. His first instinct is to mock and insult, he dresses like an emo reject, he's absolutely covered in tattoos, he's a dark humored pessimist and just not the kind of person you want to be around for long. He's also probably one of the most empathic characters I have on the roster atm. He's like, a natural big brother. Any kids younger then him, fuck older than him but awkward and unsure, he's instantly adopting. Fuck everything else, his kids now, he'll make them lunch and make sure they get to school. Zan is more so abrasive out of need than out of actual malice or bad attitude. He does want to be close to people he just knows how that always ends so keeping away is a lot safer. He is genuinely very loving and soft when he lets himself be. He's not great about advice but he's a good listener and the type to throw everything on the backburner to come and help a friend out. He is inherently kind, he just doesn't allow himself to be so very often, unless someone damn well takes a chisel and digs it out of him.

Fun fact time:

He's got a knack for painting and idolizes Van Gogh

He's got a cat named Shikei who he picked up after it got run over by a car, it likes only him and wants to see the rest of humanity burn

Here are his established tattoos, yes I have a copy paste for that too:

Full body tattoo in shape of a jungle of thorns crawling over his entire body, save most of his face. The whole piece is done in eerie, cold colors, with a sudden splash of warmer color here and there, the thorns themselves being colored in misty and muted blues and greens. Over his heart, there is a tattoo of a birds nest, but the nest is breaking apart, suffocated by the thorns clustering around it and breaking into it, its branches drenched in blood, the baby birds in it barely even noticeable. Along the length of his spine and over the width of his hips an ornate cross of st. peter is painted, also crumbling, red spider lilies breaking through the frail rock. His shoulder blades are covered in sunflowers, strikingly bright on the cold surface of the thorns and painted in Van Gogh style. There is a chain of daisies lines across his neck and down to his chest, covering an old scar and a tiny ring of roses over his ring finger. On the nape of his neck, two butterflies are pinned by the thorns, appearing to still be alive and in agony as their bodies are pierced. A silver snake slithers through the thorns on his right arm, though its shade helps it blend in with the color of thorns, it’s body a tiny bit coiled, considering should it strike or not. On the back of his left hand there is a tiny leaf bug, trying to hide amidst the bare thorns and on the outer shell of his ear, mostly hidden from view by his head, is a ladybug, wings spread like it is about to fly away. A swarm of blue butterflies paint the silhouette of his lungs across his skin and two koi fishes circle each other endlessly on his hip. In thorns climbing up and down his neck, there are tiny fireflies, just barely bright enough to be seen. Two thin thorn branches separate themselves from the cluster on his neck and climb across his temples, their thorns appearing to be piercing through his skin and letting blood flow.

The tattoo is still in progress.

This was the brief summary.

Ghost! Ghost is a lot newer than Zan, I only made them at the start of this year so they are a lot less detailed but they hit the ground running. Their tw are mostly prostitution and existentialist feelings but I'm not getting into anything in detail.

Their full name is Ghostown Verb and yes they did name themselves that. They are 27 and their power is Forget me not, as I said previously, as soon as they are out of someone's line of sight, to that person it's like they never existed. The memories of meeting them return as soon as they are back in the field of vision but uhh you can see how it would be super easy to lose a child like that.

Ghost grew up on the street in a kind of do whatever you can when you can how you can attitude. Turns out it's really hard to get help from anyone when they can't remember you as soon as they stop looking at you, which includes but is not limited to social workers, well meaning passerby, police, foster homes and landlords. The name and face for the paperwork doesn't exist and people just find themselves grasping at nothing, feeling like they are forgetting something but not knowing what it is. It works in some ways, shoplifting is a lot easier when you're sure that you can just turn a corner and be safe, but it's mostly just a hassle. Ghost is homeless most of the time and when they were old enough for it their career of choice became prostitution simply because it's pretty much the only job where the customer doesn't need to remember you after they're no longer looking at you and it's not like Ghost has to answer to any boss who would have to either.

They had not had a kind life but they are the let and let live type. They don't stress a lot about things and generally take everything in a fly. They are very extroverted, very loud, very friendly. They form friendships fast because they know they'll lose them fast and same goes with love affairs. They live in the moment because for everyone else the moment is the only place where they exist. Loud fashion, loud words, loud actions, provocative and noticeable, they just want to be seen by people, remembered by people, they want the attention on them even though they know it's useless. Much like Zan they also have no control of their power so all they can do is live with it. At least it doesn't bring anyone any direct harm, they are grateful for that much.

But it does leave them displaced, unanchored. They don't have any support system, no family, no long term friends. The system can't even remember them for long enough to decide it isn't equipped to deal with them. They flitter through peoples lives, there one moment and gone the next. The biggest impact they can hope to have is the nagging feeling of having forgotten something.

It's not like they are exactly sad about it, their main mentality is just not to worry about things they can't change. These are the cards they've been dealt with and play those cards they shall. At the very least they are having fun with their life, doing whatever they want with no one remembering them long enough to stop them.

But it's a lonely existence with no viable human connection. That much does get to them.

Fun facts!

They have a tattoo of a forget-me-not on their shoulder, I haven't decided do they have it before the plot whatever it is starts, or do they get it cuz Zan's influence.

They like to make their own clothes when they can, though having a stable enough place to be for a long enough time is rare.

Their biggest fear is that when they die nobody will remember to look for their body :)

That was a brief rundown of these two! If you made it to the end damn congrats I love you

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 12 | “Beauty got problems and Brawn got problems”- Autumn

wow. just wow. i sure did just do that and im so proud. i proved to myself im a deserving winner tonight. i will fight to the death to get my allies to the end because lets be real i sure am not making it KJSDFLASFLA.

i was going to start this confessional out in a celebratory tone but YOU KNOW WHAT I STILL AM BECAUSE WE JUST DID THAT. I typically like to be my own biggest hater and drag myself in my confessionals a lot just as a way to clock myself and try to see the other perspective, but BITCH I KNOW I SNAPPED THIS ROUND AND IF YOU DONT THINK I DID LEMME HIT YOU WITH SOME FACTS; FACT: I CORRECTLY USED MY ADVANTAGE AND WON IMMUNITY DURING WHAT WAS A PERTINENT ROUND https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: UPON FINDING OUT I HAD IMMUNITY I KNOW DEVON WAS COMING TO ME TRYING TO KEEP ME UNDER HIS WING, OH YEAH ADAM, JUST VOTE IN THE MINORITY, AND GO ALONG WITH BEING AT THE BOTTOM, AND IT WAS M E DECIDING I DIDNT WANT TO DO THAT AND SPILLING THE TEA THAT LED TO GETTING AN OUTCOME I WANTED https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: it was ME who also went to autumn/ali and started planting seeds of doubt in their minds about jake and it's turning out it's helped me solidify my position with them better https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: It's also still me who's aligned with 2 or 3, if you include jake, of the biggest targets left in the game and i already have augusto and amir sliding in my pms trying to play pity me boo hoo hoo like gorl plea im not buying it but yall wanna keep singing kumbaya? well ill sing the encore and be twice as fake as yall (i DO love them both as people just as a disclaimer but from a game perspective? they're beasts!) https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif ok, boasting over, time to hop off cloud nine and get back to reality because FACT: we all just made a big move, so the target on all of us, including myself, just went up, FACT: i could easily be delusional and maybe i had NOTHING to do with this blindside SJDFA but lemme bask in my fake glory anyway itll be funny to read after at least... FACT: The war has truly only just begun, that was a great victory but if me/ali/autumn are really in it like we're saying, we may still have another idol on our side, but we're gonna need more than that, it's kinda funny we're one brain, one brawn, one beauty and i think that speaks volumes i truly love these gals and think this is a good game route for me. some people might think it's foolish of me to align with the big threats and go deep with them, but who's to say im not worthy of being in their company? if it wasnt for my social connection with devon he wouldve never told me the plan, and then autumn is the smart one so she kept us composed and together, and then ali was the brawn he had the idol and got the job done. So im gonna just try and stick with this for now, hopefully they feel the same and dont try to oust me right away because then ill look like a whole fool and a half OOP, and ill plaster my fake smiles on for everyone else and kiki it up we can haha hehe all day long but i wont hesitate to vote them out because trust and believe. 

Last Day 30 was my last day playing TS: Guyana, so this is a nice feeling to still be here. But now the fun kicks in. Jakey helped orchestrate the Devon blindside with the Ali idol, so I guess we're even. And now, assuming Jakey is still actually with me, which I think he is, I think we can run this game for the longrun. He has access to Ali, Autumn, and Adam and I have access to the three Beauties. I truly see this being beneficial for the both of us in terms of keeping one another safe and allowing us to get to the final six unharmed. Final six is important for me. I'm not sure if I've admitted this in an earlier confessional or not, but I have the Legacy Advantage (thank you Jordan Pines!) that I can use at six. So I just need to survive two more tribals. If I can do that, I have a seat in the final five, probably two more rounds to survive before getting to FTC, and then I have a shot. I really need to start building a resume if I want to win this game, but I think I have a chance. I really need to get Ali and Autumn out in these next three rounds. If I can do that, I see myself being able to make the end with the likes of Jakey, Kendall, Augusto, and maybe Adam (Amir will become a threat at five or six I think) and then I have at least a shot at the win, but I really need to keep my head down, keep the social game going, and make a move or two here.

so. i think i have some explaining to do JKLASDFA huh? i was on calls for the like three hours before tribal so i didn't really confess at all.. in fact i think in my last confessional i said that we were voting 4-3-3 which did not happen at all so i think i need to fill in some gaps huh? so... i have known since like 11pm EST yesterday that i was getting votes tonight. devon told, adam told me and then told autumn, but then autumn didn't want to tell me until later in the day which i honestly do think was fair so we weren't spiralling for hours. we were all sus of jake all day (and lowkey i still am?)... like i dont know when his energy because so shady, plus devon may have told adam that jake was in on the plan? plus he kept saying stuff like the vote has gone "back to kendall" and kept pushing me not to play the idol... something does not add up right with that. anyway so that demonic group of five voted for me, and lied SO much to make me leave with my idol? like why not just make me paranoid, leak the vote to adam or jake then vote autumn get me to waste an idol and then autumn leaves? now that would've been a good move hello?! but that group does not know how to blindside, idols have sabotaged their plans twice and amir/augusto should consider themselves lucky that they are still in the game. also kendall fought me at tribal because i was being cocky... but she literally tried to blindside me into leaving with an idol hello?! i appreciate that she thought she was going, but she is zero to too much way too quick. augusto can literally suck my ass our call was him and his bad excuse for jury management, like can he at least be like amir and pretend to want to work with me? anyway so moving forwards, i wanna vote out kendall or augusto this round. amir can stick around because he at least pretends to wanna work with me plus he is a threat too. idek i just want all the fake people in this tribe gone. i will not vote for adam, autumn or jake. i will vote for any of the others, im not fussed about the order in which i do so. im living on borrowed time in this game and im going to make it count

Sorry this is two parts I thought my friend was gonna die lol but she's fine. Remember kids, there's no dick worth dying over and a straight guy rejecting you is a blessing in disguise these days (considering the alternatives). 

Now on with the show hahaha 

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1-AkqQGDYzlccP1VFwpPNo-aCQPFmoj9Z https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bVcBqq0JL2-ybgTiS2vOrYURbCG0kIxh

thots on final 8: augusto: would cut me to win, literal love of my life, super kind and empathetic and genuinely good person, i think his social game is fire and i think he has a way with people, and downplays how smart and cutthroat he really is constantly, but i love the kid so much ali: the brit has to die ali again: okay im kidding i like him a lot but tbh hes a smart fucking guy, i think hes super cool and and also a badass with that idol play, hes a force but he has to go soon autumn: lana stan, coolest girl around, queen of the social game, queen of likability, queen of controlling rounds and letting others take the hit, a damn threat, she could win this game   tj: sweetheart, we need each other in the game rn, i need need need to secure his loyalty adam: hes kinda crazy but he has a good heart, kinda just following ali and autumn rn, not gonna win in the end kendall: i have a soft spot for this crackhead, she deserves the world, probably cant win at the end but im happy i met her, shes on my side and a vote i can use moving forward jakey: love him to death would die 4 him, would beat me in the end and at immunities also the fact that kendall augusto and i are all still here is so fucking funny, like bitch how kejwnfkewjnfkejnwfkjnewkfnewk cockroaches

So numbers on surface Jakey - adam - autumn - Ali Kendall - Amir - Augusto - tj Round 5: Adam - Ali - autumn Amir - kendall - Augusto In the middle: jakey - tj So I just have to work on them 

when i tell you ive been hooting and hollering what the fuck is going on in the survivor on this day, who the hell would've thought id win my third individual immunity in one season, gorl that is probably the most 2020 thing to happen in this game. although two of them pretty much were dumb luck afdjks either that or maybe im doing a little better than i think i truly dont know, and the touchy subjects clocked me on THAT as; what was it they said, 'the person they forget is in the game' and also 'least aware of their place' okay well yes im AWARE ive BEEN lost and asking for help this whole game gorl! But that's great, that's how i want people to view me, because uh... i just won 3 of these things now and that alone is reason to target me, granted im doing my best to play it up like dont worry! im just a dumb dumb! and clearly theyre eating that up like crazy, because it's both just the truth but also strategy if i keep playing it up, so watch out meryl, adam's in town! also LOVE that i knew i was gonna get most likely to have the idol i dont know how many times i have to say it IM INNOCENT AND BEING FRAMED FOR A FOOL and ooh dont even get me started on all the other tea it spilled, i actually got the LEAST of the bad things, i guess i kinda exposed myself because i made most of my chops at amir, augusto, and tj oop, so they probably didnt like that but they really left me no choice strategically, screw with me, i screw back, simple as that. As far as the vote too ummm.....it's been quiet tonight on my end so hope that doesnt make me a fool because this time last vote was a disaster, at this point im still thinking i need to stick with ali and autumn because this vote is so pertinent, after this a solid 4  can take it, or get as far as we can because im always keeping my options open OOP, but for the most part i do want to stay true to my good judys for now, but i know someone between amir/augusto/kendall has an idol and if they were smart theyd use it this round, so i need to convince the others of this because im sure its gonna happen since they dont think ali has one anymore hopefully but who knows, if it were up to me we'd vote augusto or tj this vote. I think amir has the idol and i think he's going to play it for himself this round or i could see augusto playing it for him, so if i can make anyone belive that very realistic scenario, we can get one of the ones theyd least expect just to ensure us the numbers for next round, but what do i know, they just forget im in the game anyway! so hopefully tomorrow someone tries to give me the tea and we get a plan together or else i spilled all the tea last round for nothing which is worst case scenerio 

yesterday was a lot. I went an apology tour to everyone involved in my blindside and honestly it was annoying. the fact that augusto basically got me to apologise to him on our call when he blindsided me was irritating, like he just let me sit there and take fault when the point of the call was for him to take accountability. talking to him is like talking to 2018 me, he has such social ability, but he just takes zero accountability and is just so infuriatingly wishy-washy. he is all of my worst attributes as a player rolled into one. i also... almost won immunity? which is crazy, but I just found yesterday and the way immunity played out so frustrating, but I've spoken about it enough in my host chat enough. just know i feel robbed, slighted and if I get rocked out this round when i should have immunity. i will throw a fuss again SAJDKFLAS. anyway so this vote is gonna be a mess. tj and autumn now have a blood feud, Kendall and jake came to a head this round. so that's four people whose name i hopefully am not their number #1 target, plus i don't think adam is targetting me? but this vote is going to be a mess, because it very very easily could be 4-4, where there is an idol on both sides of the trench. i have a gut feeling amir and his sock puppets are going to vote autumn. it makes sense, tj wants her gone and the beauties need him reeled in. so i think im going to have to idol autumn, but that is risky because if the 4 vote jake... im going to rocks, and if they vote me, im reliant on jake going to rocks. but i just wanna send all these people backing, especially augusto. amir i'm trying to shake him that me and him have to stick together, but i also could vote for him. i literally just want to make F7 and to vote someone who just voted me out. that is literally all i want. if i go home i will be literally devastated

So like… there’s the dream and there’s the harsh reality which is something this round really talk me. The dream is obviously me winning, making all these big moves, and doing THAT. However, my reality? Could very well be that people don’t see me as a winner at all and it makes me a little disappointed but I gotta prove them all wrong. The vote last round being Ali was honestly mostly my doing and I’m proud of that. My ideal boot order is Autumn/Ali then Jakey then Autumn/Ali and that is GOING to happen because I’m putting that into the universe. When it comes to Autumn and Ali, I would rather Ali go but I think the safest bet while still having a target leave would be Autumn. In a way too, I do know Amir wants Ali out moreso alongside Jakey but I wanna separate my game from Amir so yeah. Also Adam calling me a fake ass bitch even tho my drunk ass was telling him I liked him was a gag… but oh well.. Nothing grinds my gears more than people thinking I’m not being genuine with how I feel towards them but if that’s what he thinks, maybe that’s what he’ll get idk… i feel petty and mad for some reason over it… BUT ANYWAY, I just want to survive this vote. I hope Kendall doesn’t go but she also said she wants me to win over Amir so yay?

If I die, I just wanna say I regret nothing and I have full confidence that the right person will win this season. So not TJ, Augusto, or Amir lmaaaaooo. Amir entering the two time winner chat??? Over my dead fucking body. If there's one thing Imma do it's poison a jury

Ali or Autumn... who shall we vote? Stay tuned!

Is Jess really Canadian... stay tuned!

god. today is gonna be another nailbiter and i want to confess first. so the plan is to idol autumn and vote out kendall, which sucks because i do now like kendall. i just think its the safest way of avoiding them playing an idol i guess, i don't even know. i just am sick of fighting in this game every single round me and autumn have had to fight to make it past. the fact jake is throwing a fit in my pms becuase im not idoling him is infuriating because... i'd love to idol myself? like? anyway im over it. if i go home, i hope tj can finally stop his blind fixation on autumn and i, that augusto can actually be accountable for one entire thing, amir can stop his pity party and show awareness for his threat level and that kendall... well actually kendall is fine. i just feel like im a mum trying to get all my kids to fit in a minivan and to put their seatbelts on, like can they get it together.

I don’t think anyone is ready for this round or at least what’ll come of it... I’m expecting an explosion or a mess given Jakey thinks he’s staying, TJ has been lied to, and hopefully Autumn or Adam leave next... its all a mess. If Jakey goes, I’m planning a 2-2-2 split between Autumn and Adam where we maybe get Autumn out but Adam leaving doesn’t hurt either. 

me with biggest villian, biggest backstabber, thinks they are running the game, is running the game, and is gonna win at the end http://prntscr.com/ss4h5q

literally god demolished and brutalized worse than anyone in this game tonight in that touchy subjects yet I’m also the one comforting like half the tribe over their answers even tho I ADKWNWQJN WAS ATTACKT LIKE this cast literally thinks im a psychopath fjebwfjenkn but im not gonna play victim over my superlatives i just have to use this target on my back strategically 

I want destruction AHHHHHHHHHHhhHhHhHhHhHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay so, they think me or Augusto have the idol, so they can vote kendall, to ensure our idol isn’t played and that me and Augusto and tj are forced into rocks, and im just like trying to get everyone to stop replying to ali cuz hes smart and he will psychoanalyze and figure out who to play the idol on and like he has to play it on autumn and not himself so pls pls pls kkjnkjenfs let this work

[hanndleit]

Too Much At Once

[A/N]: Loosely based off of CrankThatFrank’s YouNow stream a few years ago. The way he stopped his stream and immediately went to Eva’s side has stuck with me for I don’t know how long, but it was something that I’ve looked back on and thought; “That’s love.” I used personal experience to make this as realistic as possible, and I think I did a pretty good job on capturing the feeling and mindset. Feedback is greatly appreciated. Requests are open!

You weren't sure how it started.

One minute you were laying on your bed, half-studying and half-watching a live stream, and the next you had your arms wrapped around your knees and the world felt like it was closing in.

Friday nights were reserved for your boyfriend's live streams, where he usually chatted with fans or did something spontaneous, and you usually never missed a stream. You loved listening to him read and answer their outrageous questions, his loud laugh making it seem as if he was right next to you.

Your boyfriend, Matty, was the frontman of a local band that had recently began to collect popularity. Although they had started to gain a bigger following, Matty continued these little live streams because he felt like it prevented him from getting too big of an ego. He wanted the fans to know that no matter how big the band got, he would still remain the same down to earth person he had always been.

So on Fridays, Matty dedicated his evenings to them. It wasn't a big deal to you at all. You knew how much the fanbase meant to him, and you still had every other day of the week to yourselves. Watching him interact with his fans made you smile, because you knew just how happy they made him. His happiness was your happiness, and that's all you really cared about.

It wasn't often you suffered from a panic attack, but when things started to overwhelm you, everything seemed to down spiral. You had been able to multitask studying and watching Matty several times before, but tonight the neighbors appeared to have guests over, and the music was growing annoying. You turned the volume up on your laptop in hopes to drown out the noise upstairs.

"Turn it down, or get some headphones." Yelled a voice from your door, making you look up. Your roommate stood in the doorway with an equally annoyed look on her face, a towel wrapped around her body.

"I don't have headphones." You explained, turning the volume down slightly.

"Then figure something out. You're not the only one in this building." She snapped before slamming your door shut.

"No kidding." You muttered under your breath, resting your forehead on your textbook. Turning your laptop down a bit more, you picked your head up and attempted to focus back on studying, but it was impossibly hard to pay attention to what you were reading with the music above making your head pulse with every beat. "I can't do this." You spoke abruptly, closing your book and pushing it away from you. Sitting up, you slid back against your pillows and brought your knees to your chest, resting your forehead against them. Taking a shaky breath, you attempted to block out everything around you, squeezing your eyes shut and focusing on your breathing. It worked for a minute until Matty's ringing laughter cut the silence and forced you back into reality. Chewing on your lip, you hesitated before grabbing your phone from next to your laptop and unlocking it.

{Matty.} You typed, thumbs hovering over the keyboard. {I know Fridays are your live days but I need you rn.} Sending the message, you watched the screen at the foot of your bed, patiently waiting for him to pick up his phone. After a few minutes, your pounding head was only growing worse and you decided just to call him. Tapping his contact, you brought the phone to your ear and listened to it ring, still watching the screen. Matty's face flashed with brief confusion as he looked at his phone, asking his viewers to excuse him for a moment.

"Hello?" He answered at last.

"Matty." You breathed, sliding your legs off the side of the bed and sinking to the floor, pressing your spine against the mattress. "I KnowThatFridaysAreYourLiveDaysButISeriouslyCan'tEvenBreatheRightNowAndINeedYou." You rushed, squeezing your eyes shut.

"Hold on, slow down." Matty told you, an edge of concern in his voice. "What do you mean you can't breathe? Are you alright? What happened? [Y/N] talk to me."

His concern offered you a bit of comfort, and you managed to take a deep breath before speaking again. "Everything is really overwhelming, my head is pounding, the upstairs neighbors are being loud, my roommate is being a bitch, and I just need to focus, but I can’t and I feel like I’m suffocating.." You told him, waiting for him to tell you to just get over it and stop being dramatic. "You're at your flat? Stay there. I'll be over in five minutes." He responded, much to your surprise. 

"M-Matty no its f-fine I'll get over it." You stammered, gripping your phone tight enough to turn your knuckles white. "It's not fine.” He pressed. “I'm coming, just take deep breaths until I get there." You could hear him shuffling around on the other side of the receiver, most likely looking for his keys that he couldn’t keep track of to save his life. "I love you." You mumbled softly, your laptop coming alive with noise as he sat back down at his desk. 

"I love you too." You heard twice before he hung up. Your phone fell to your lap and you wrapped your arms around your legs, struggling to breathe like he told you to. "I've got to run for a bit, but I'll be back. [Y/N] is having an emergency and I need to help her out. I'll try and be back in an hour." Matty's voice came from your bed. You could hear the worry in his tone, and you cursed yourself for taking him away from his fans. Stupid. Selfish. They had been there for him longer than you had. Who were you to get in between? Pressing your forehead to your knees, you squeezed your eyes shut. "Okay. I'll tell her. I love you all. See you soon." Matty signed off, and once again you were left with the pounding music from above. -- Your bedroom door opened and closed gently, and a pair of feet shuffled across the floor.

“[Y/N]? Darling where are you?” Matty called softly, walking around to the side of the bed where you sat. You probably looked pathetic, curled up into a ball between the wall and your night table. Matty got onto the floor, crossing his legs in front of you. “Love, I’m right here. It’s me. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” He spoke, holding a hand out to you. “Can you come here please? I want to hold you.”

Picking your head up slowly, you scooted out from the corner and crawled on all fours to him, allowing him to wrap his arms around you. You stayed like that for a moment, just sitting in his lap with your face against his neck, his hand brushing over your hair as he tried to stop your shaking. You wanted to push him away. Being this close to him was only increasing the suffocating feeling. You needed to breathe.

“Can we move to the bed, please? I need to lie down.” You asked as soft as you could manage, and Matty nodded, allowing you to move off of him and clamber onto the mattress.

He sat with his back against the wall and your head in his lap, not saying anything. His hand rubbed over your back slowly, and you closed your eyes. The pounding from above hadn’t ceased, and seemed to only intensify as more voices were added as well as the music. Matty shook his head, saying something about how they needed a better taste in music to try and lighten the mood.

After about ten minutes of sitting with each other, you could tell Matty was trying to nonchalantly check his watch. Sighing, you pushed yourself up and sat against the wall, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Go.” You sighed, staring at your feet in front of you.

“What? Are you feeling better?” He asked, putting a hand gently on your shoulder. You shrugged it off, and he realized you were trying to push him away.

“No, but I can tell you’re anxious to get back.” You sighed, moving a strand of hair out of your face. “It’s fine. They’re more important. I’ll be okay, I guess.”

“Is that what this is about? You think they’re more important than you?” You had to be stupid not to hear the hurt in his voice. You closed your eyes again. Selfish. You were guilt tripping him now.  

“No. That’s not what this is about.” You stated firmly, bringing your knees to your chest again. “I’m sorry for making you stop your live. I know how much they mean to you, and I know Friday’s are supposed to be reserved for doing your thing, and I feel so pathetic for dragging you away from them because of my stupid issues.” Tears spilled onto your cheeks and you wiped them away with you palm, not wanting Matty to see you cry over this.

You felt a strong pair of arms pull you into a hug, and you miserably buried your face in his chest.

“My fans mean a lot to me, of course they do, but you come first. If they mattered more, do you think I’d be over here right now?” He asked, resting his chin on your head. “Do you think I’d have answered your call? I know you’d never call me unless something was wrong. As soon as I looked at my phone, I knew you needed me.”

You were openly crying now, apologizing for having thought otherwise. Apologizing for being selfish. Apologizing for being you.

Matty only brought you tighter into his arms, shushing you softly. “You don’t have a damn thing to be sorry for.” He told you. “It’s what I’m here for. Through both the good, and the bad, and I’m not going to leave your side.”

You had managed to stop crying, and gave a halfhearted sniffle at his words. “You promise?” holding up your hand, you stuck out your pinkie. He interlocked his with yours, a soft smile on his lips.

“I promise.”

After telling Matty that you indeed still needed to study, he attempted to come up with a solution for what to do about your noisy neighbors.

“Why don’t you just come to my place?” He suggested, grabbing one of your fluffy pillows and lobbing it at the ceiling. You caught it when it fell back to the bed, tossing it at him.

“Because I actually need to study.” You replied, narrowing your eyes at your easily predictable boyfriend.

Matty only rolled his eyes and placed the pillow along with the others. “I’ll be quiet. Come on.” He held out his hand, and after a moment, you accepted his offer.

Grabbing your bag from off the floor, you tossed the contents onto your bed and replaced them with a change of clothes and your toothbrush. Matty tucked your textbook under his arm and held the door open for you, a warm smile on his lips.

--

“Playboy. That’s a magazine, right?” Matty’s high pitched laughter bounced off the walls of his small bedroom. He sat at the same desk he did a lot of his writing, illuminated by a ring light that seemed to accent his sharp features. “Alright, how about that. She had a face straight out of a Playboy.” He shook his head. 

You laid on his bed with your textbook in front of you, a grin on your lips when he caught your attention. He was right, getting away from the noise of your neighbors eliminated your anxiety, and you could properly focus on studying. You were of course paying attention more to Matty than anything, his voice keeping your gravity centered.

Resting your chin in your hand, you took a break from your book to watch him, his animated facial expressions and reactions to each comment he received was entertaining to watch, and how could you miss the fact that he checked on you every once in awhile to make sure you were still doing alright. 

Matty’s concern for your well being made you feel guilty for ever doubting him, but your mind tended to overthink during a panic attack. You were just glad to have him by your side.

There wasn’t anyone better.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #6 (more frustrations, tribulations and a tiny speck of sunshine)

I don’t know how I’m feeling rn, I just wanna climb into bed and stay there forever. I feel kind of conflicted and overwhelmed, hopeless but a smidgen hopeful at the same time but as always everything is overpowered by doubtfulness and hesitance and fear. I’m spiralling quite a lot, I want to calm down and figure things out rationally but my mind is racing ahead with frustration and the irrational. 

Yesterday’s counselling appointment felt quite different to the others, it was more blunt, filled with harsh truths and realities, eye opening but upsetting. To put it simply, it was a tough lesson and the words hurt and I cried. I don’t mean there was no encouragement or empathy present, it just felt like there was much less of it this time. The counsellor was probably getting impatient because I’m not trying hard enough, needed to light a fire under my ass kind of feeling.

Well, I’m past halfway in the number of sessions I’m allowed, I haven’t been able to move forward as much as she wanted and planned which is probably where the sort of urgency to do things is kicking in. There’s a lot more waiting on trying to get financial help than both of us expected. I mean I did apply for it and I enquired about it, I didn’t just ignore it, so it’s better than the latter right?

I keep wondering if counselling was the right choice for me, like the right kind of guidance because I feel like a lot of my deeper problems are not being considered into why I am struggling or that there’s not anything to help alleviate them. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, or am I..? It’s not the exact thing I wanted, it fills only a small piece of a big complex puzzle, but beggars can’t be choosers :c I know the focus has to be narrowed down, everything is brief because time is short. I don’t want to have bad feelings about it, I don’t want to be ungrateful or butthurt either, it just feels like it’s not enough or it’s missing a step, but I also know that outside help can only do so much, everything is on me to change and improve from the inside. I feel so conflicted.

I know I need to stop moping, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop trying to make excuses and pin blame on things and people around me for my shortcomings and lack of action. It’s just when you spent such a long part of your life having these feelings and being a certain way, it’s hard to just up and go, hard to break the cycle and move on. To try and bring back control into your life when you felt you’ve never had it or lost it so long ago, it feels like you’re a newborn deer with starry eyes stumbling around on unsteady legs trying to get uphill, with the hill being a learning curve that’s actually a tall and seemingly impassible vertical wall.

I keep thinking of all these ‘I’m’ phrases. ‘I’m worthless, I’m useless, I’m ungrateful, I’m such a waste of space’ as afterthoughts to my moments of successful avoidance and it’s throwing me into such a hopeless mood where only grey clouds hang and no light can filter through. If my thoughts were like a message board, all the comments would be insults like these and unhelpful pro life hack troll comments plus the typical kys x 1000 .__.

C’mon me, don’t be so hard on yourself, it isn’t helping, there is hope... or is there..? Yes, there is but it’s just hard to see clearly right now. I’m feeling quite lost again, I need to try and find my way through the fog, I can do it, c’mon, don’t worry so much, you can do it!

I think I’m feeling a little better after getting a little of my frustration out, I’ll try and recall how yesterday went from beginning to end in simple form, I especially wanted to get things down as soon as possible so I don’t keep having to think back so hard and end up muddling stuff up. My memories are already a blur though and I feel like I've already begun to try repress a lot of it, but some good things were also said and some kind of nice things happened after so I’ve got to get to those too. You know, bring back some sun into this grey rainy spell, maybe even make a rainbow somehow :>

Okay, I got to the appointment just on time and sat for maybe 2 mins max, she came and collected me and I went for a quick bathroom trip because the weather that day was bad and I felt a mess. She asked for my weekly depression/anxiety self assessment sheet and I gave it to her and she looked over at it briefly. I think there might have been something small before this but I forgot, but w/e lol.

She asked (rhetorically?) if there was any improvement in the sheets/scores and pointed at one of the scores and asked me ‘what’s this?’. She was pointing to my score of 1 (some of the days) for the statement ‘Thinking you'd be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way?’. She’s never asked me about any of my scores on the previous ones, I feel like maybe she was offended some how that I hadn’t improved under her guidance or that maybe my scores were particularly bad that week idk I shouldn’t assume but she seemed the tiniest bit aghast anyways. 

The thing is though, the scoring sheet is intended for every two weeks but I’ve been doing them for every one week so they probably come across as a stronger representation idk? I’m sure I scored 1 for most other times on that same statement too (or did the lowest 0 score but only because I was trying to seem hopeful and not idk shock-worthy? Bad and inaccurate I know). Well let me just say it was hella awk and that was even after I got in a taxi ride with a driver that didn’t speak english and struggled through that the same morning, the awkward feels just keep rising.

Anyways, back to what I was saying, or well, not saying. She asked me what that score was, and that gave me this vibe that she was idk disgusted or like I said offended... I mean I think she asked why I put that after too but I couldn’t find the words to answer. It’s kind of sensitive topic (especially for me who usually withholds and can’t express feelings that well) and somehow I thought it would be kind of obvious thing, like something that didn’t need to be questioned... .__. 

I mentioned I had depression on the first session, she knows I’m struggling in general and last week was particularly stressful for me with the pressure to do stuff and I didn’t want to bring it up as the reason at the time. Maybe she forgot or got me mixed up with someone else, she probably sees so many people a week and stuff.

It just felt weird and I was kind of confused, I was searching my mind for an appropriate answer but was still just so taken aback that I just blanked. I ended up saying something like ‘you know, when you feel kind of hopeless...’ and kind of cringed inwardly. But then I think she went into a sort of a reassuring and positive sort of pep talk, telling me that I was doing good and all that stuff, it made me feel better for that moment, though I still feel a bit idk traumatised lol... ;; Because I always worry about doing things right, being seen as weird, having that being in school and getting reprimanded feeling it just freaked me out. 

Oh... oh my god, that just reminded me of something... A lot of past experiences influence our current feelings and beliefs right? I noticed I keep mentioning about being told off and I keep wondering why it affects me so much, makes me afraid even now and I remembered in school when I was very young there were times I was told off and felt wronged and it hurt, I was a good kid and I always tried my best but I guess it wasn’t enough sometimes. Those things I was scolded for seemed irrational and unfair and I’ll bet a lot of them actually were, but I was just a kid, I just take it and believe that I deserved it, but maybe it was just me, taking things to heart a little too much too.

I’m so scared of being told off by my parents, by anyone really, just the prospect of it happening alone is enough to make me shrink away into the floor. Remembering the faces and tones of voices of those particular teachers, it scares me and makes me feel so upset, they were mean and strict and I feel there was a hint of some discrimination somewhere but no one is obligated to be nice to me anyways I guess... Idk I’m side tracking again, being over dramatic maybe but those snippets of memories that just came up from their hiding place right in the depths of my mind, to stay with me that long, it’s painful recalling them again. The beliefs I hold from then, they are one and the same as the ones still latched on to me today, probably in an evolved form and weighing me down even more. 

Something that’s been bothering me, am I always playing the victim? Am I actually always in the wrong? Do I really blame others that much? Is there actually no reason to feel any of the things I do? Is everything actually my own fault? These just go on to repeat that cycle of worthlessness and confusion. I don’t even know, the more I think about things, the greater the self-loathing becomes. It’s not healthy, I need to stop it. Wow idek what I just wrote in the past few paragraphs @^@”

Um so, my memory is kinda crappy after the bit about the paper. I remember I had some homework from last time which I struggled really badly with even though it probably wasn’t something hard, but idk I just have a hard time doing any type of task cause I get that foggy head pain and can’t concentrate or retain information and ugh why can’t I function like normal..?? ;^; I quickly scrawled down the stuff the morning of the app but well... I waited for her to ask for it but she never did, I was thinking, I should take it out and give it to her. But I avoided doing so... and later I thought again I should give it, but I didn’t, or well I was too preoccupied with what was going down then. I’ll make sure to mention and give it in next time... I’m scared she’ll be annoyed, or disappointed, tell me off etc etc. but better late than never I guess. Maybe the session would have went differently if I did, maybe we could have focused on that instead, ack it’s my own fault >^<

We talked about what I did last week in terms of going out, communicating and practicing phone orders. Welp, I don’t think I went anywhere other than shopping the same day of the last appointment so there was nothing to discuss there. As for the phone order thing... I managed to do it... but only once. I panicked and stumbled over my words and it deterred me from trying again just like I thought it would. But my mum and sis gave me some helpful tips which I can use next time if I can pluck up the courage to.

I actually did it, even it was only once, which was something. But I did it more because I didn’t want to disappoint the counsellor, because she already wanted me to do it the prior week and I didn’t, so it was done out of a greater fear so to say... I mean, I did do it a little for myself too and for my parents, who were kind of impressed I tried at least. I thought maybe at least me trying, even if only once would be something but she said that really she would have expected me to do much more, once wasn’t enough, but at least I did it. I felt real bad, I’m so cowardly and she is expecting me to have tried doing it everyday lots of times by next week but I’ve already avoided trying for almost two days already :<

I also made it sound like I was making a bunch of excuses as to why I don’t go out that much, I said some inaccurate things and I feel bad about it. She said I should go out more, follow where my sis and parents go and try to immerse myself properly in what I’m doing, as I mentioned being around others makes me anxious and I will often leave what I’m doing without properly looking or buying what I wanted. Eg. if I’m looking at clothes and someone stands next to me looking, I’ll move so they can look or hurry up or cut short my own perusing then move. She said to not mind them, that I was there first and should take my time. I move out of politeness and because often when I want to look at stuff and someone else is there for a long long time or is just blocking the way it kind of irks me (and when I look at things I am really slow I guess), so I wouldn’t want other people to feel that way idk I suck I know. I’ll try follow my parents this weekend or go somewhere with my sis or something. 

She also went over my sort of plan to get a job and was telling me to work under my parents and gain experience from home (work is at home) so I can write it on my CV. I already knew of this but I keep thinking my parents are so set on doing things themselves and their way, that I’ll be in the way, do things wrong, get told off etc. Maybe it’s irrational to think this, no, it certainly is, but I can’t help thinking this way. I told her that I’ve tried asking them to teach me suff before but they were unwilling and she told me not to pin the blame on them. She said I needed to push to do things and asked me ‘what do new workers(of any profession in general) usually do?’ and I answered something like ‘watch’, watching and learning, shadowing. She’s right, I should do that, it’s just my aforementioned fears especially the getting in the way part that’s getting in the way.

Wait, I lie, there’s much more than that. There���s my extreme self-consciousness which makes it difficult for me to be anyone’s view let alone customers (especially the regulars that sometimes ask how mum’s daughters are doing, to which she mostly talks about my sis because well, I got nothing). I didn’t say this to her though... Also my fear of someone I know coming and seeing me, asking how I’ve been, what I’m doing etc... Seriously if I didn’t have such an ugly mug etc. I would be doing much better or maybe I wouldn’t be this way at all... :c

So uh, I have to do some of that experience gathering and skill learning, yeah it’s necessary, it’s a good opportunity and it’s beneficial. The pressure to do things so quickly and so much at a time (for me) is just so overwhelming. 

Stuff got kinda not so great from here...or maybe I got the order of things mixed up but oh well....She said she felt frustrated for me so she couldn’t imagine what it must be like for me. She said that I have to try and do much more, that it’s for me and my life and it won’t affect her at all whether I do things or not and that she has many other people that she needs to see and that’s her job, if I don’t do things then there’s no point of me coming to sessions and stuff like that. She said something vaguely like ‘you’re [age] years old, you should be able to/can do all these things ...[something something] it’s almost like you’re a baby’ this isn’t actually what she said but I remember her saying my age and the word baby because these are things I think about all the time about myself.

There was some other sort of raw truth telling and I can’t remember all of it but it just really got to me and the tone and the words kind of cut me deep and I started crying or well my eyes started leaking and I really really didn’t want them to... ;^; As I expected she is unfazed by it, probably has seen it a million times from others, and I was trying really hard to ignore the water in my eyes too and continue listening to her, but in the back of my mind I was wishing I could just have a moment, maybe even a tiny bit of reassurance or sympathy. I don’t mean to make her sound like a heartless robot and she probably did say some reassuring things I don’t remember properly, but at that time it just felt so bad like... like you know all the stress from the past weeks and just my whole life busted out and I felt like I didn’t matter or something like that.

Oh, I remember one of the things she also talked about/asked was what would I do (in terms of living and looking after myself) if my parents died. She asked or talked about this in one of the earlier sessions but that was if they died like right now, and this time I think she was saying about you know, like people only live so long kind of thing... like the thing about the depression bit earlier, this is a topic I really don’t like, the way it comes out is so blunt and just throws me off so much. I contemplated what to say in return and was really tempted to say ‘die’ but I know that would not be a good idea but I couldn’t think of much else, I said ‘nothing’ instead and she was I guess taken aback (in a bad way, like ‘what do you mean nothing? You can’t just do nothing’).

I blanked so hard to find the answer because the truth is I don’t know what I’d do. She said I couldn’t rely on my sis to look after me forever and that’s true and I already know it. I guess this is just a way to help me put my future in perspective maybe, to get me to take more action now so I would be more prepared to take care of myself then and in general. It still stung a lot though.

Also there was some talk of what my plans are to get to what I want to do and I can’t remember exactly what sparked the next small bit of conversation, but I was talking about how I have some illness that prevents me from wanting to go out/work because I get sick easily in those environments and she told me how she has a friend that has similar stuff and she doesn’t let this get in the way of her doing stuff, that she still goes out and works and lives and while that’s true and very useful to know it kind of felt idk... I didn’t want to sound like I was bringing up excuses, I just wanted to let her know I have other troubles I needed sorting in addition to the ones she knows.

Then I can’t remember how but it lead to me talking about maybe going to the doctor for medication to help with ADD/Depression/anxiety (which I had been avoiding) so that I’d be able to think clearer and do things more quickly in addition to her help but she just said that was something pointless in a way, that medication isn’t a miracle cure to my problems and kept emphasising ‘this is CBT, it’s all about behaviour’ ?^? But the thing is, I wasn’t saying that it was a miracle cure and her disregard for the fact that it could maybe help, it kind of idk... it made me feel frustrated and maybe some time around here is when I cried or maybe I was already crying idk but my voice was weak and I didn’t want to debate it anymore. 

The thing is though, behavioural stuff is her specialism and not medicine and I understand that but why so adamant or against it?  @^@ It kind of feels like when I asked her about whether a diagnosis would be helpful that other time and the answer was pretty much nope. I know medication isn’t healthy and isn’t ideal, and I know it can be unhelpful in terms of side effects, but I was referring more to ADD medication which I read positive things about (but I guess I need to research more). If I could fix things without medication, that’s the obvious choice anyone would choose, but some things are proven to be chemically related and idk why I’m continuing to talk about it... tbh I already take medication every day for my other physical blah but even I feel iffy about taking it for mental related things.

I just felt kind of miffed and upset and actually kind of hopeless by the end of the session and idk it didn’t end with me feeling super motivated like the last few. Tbh on a lot of the other sessions, I just kept thinking I want to go home, but none as much as this one. I kind of almost wanted to just up an cancel the rest of the sessions, but I think I can stick through it, there’s only 4 more, who knows what could happen, what I could maybe achieve and leave with. Or even if there is nothing much, at least I tried, I can learn to be stronger from this experience alone. I have been mulling over a lot of things and yes, there was some useful things and I do see where she is coming from on a lot of things too, it’s just the pressure to do stuff is killing me because my fears are still there and grow even stronger when I’m at home. To put myself in her perspective though, it must be like flogging a dead horse a lot of the time, I feel bad she has to deal with me.

Anyways, after the session I went to the toilet again and tried to put come cold water soaked tissue on my face and eyes to make it less red and calm down. Then after my sis was supposed to come and go run some errands and shop with me like usual but she was running a bit late so she told me to browse around. I was feeling a little scared, but I remembered I used to be okay doing this and agreed to do so. I went to a stationery store and browsed it at my leisure, was a little anxious and had to wait at the till for ages for someone to get there but it was kind of nice, I felt a little proud of myself for going and I did buy some pens I wanted. 

After that I just wandered around outside while waiting for my sis to come over and used the opportunity to take some photos of the things in the area, the weather wasn’t great but it gave me a reason to pull up my hood and have the courage to go around. I wish I could be brave enough to do this without having to feel like I need anonymity and to actually do it properly without rushing and thinking people might be looking and judging, but anyways it was something I wanted to do for a long time and I did it a little bit! I hope I can use this as motivation to go out more and improve my skills ^^

I also went to some other shops, then the supermarket and I asked the store worker about the stock of an item so that’s something! The rest of the day I just kind of sat around thinking about things again. I wanted to go back and do something nice like the posting art stuff but I’m still hesitating and also now I keep thinking that those sorts of things are not important and that I should be focusing on the more serious stuff like the job thing. Other people have jobs and they can afford to do nice things on the side because they have the important things sorted out and prioritised well, I don’t have a job so I shouldn’t be doing nice or meaningless things, I need to be serious... is the kind of thought train I have. It’s true, but I... I don’t know...

Anyways, I used up a whole day to write this post pretty much. It was really difficult and much much weirder but it was useful to get the thoughts out and down which is good. I feel I always keep trying to soften and justify things I say still, I still fear being recognised and perceived as bad and all that terrible jazz. Maybe I’ll get over it someday.

I want to end the post positively like I always do, but I’m struggling a little on this one. It’s always the overthinking, the irrational and the inaction and I’m getting worried about next week because time flies. What do I need to do to just get over the fears...? T^T I really wish there was some magic cure all medicine.

I guess only thinking the logical or not thinking at all and actually challenging the fears is the only way. Do I think I can do it? I might not be able to completely dispel the thoughts but I think trying a little more shouldn’t hurt too much. I gotta ingrain it into my brain some more, that all that matters is I tried, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it’ll get better and easier with practice, it’ll be okay.

Baby steps and more determination is the way to go. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it! Even if not straight away, I’ll get on track and soon be chugging full speed. Believe in myself, be proud of myself and try my best, I keep forgetting. Take care of myself too.

I actually wrote a list of things I want to do, my dreams or a bucket list as such in my drafts, I want to be able to fulfil them and cross them off with a smile. To accomplish this, I just need to do them. More doing, less moping! It’s my life, I should be able to do all the things I want to do and be the person I want to be.

I gotta try harder, just persevere and do and that’s all there is to it, c’mon I can do this, I can do all these things someday or even today! Don’t let the little bumps on your journey throw you off, don’t let other’s words bring you down, keep fighting, keep going, it’ll be worth it! You can do it!! ^^

I think maybe I’ll go try post something for reals now on my other acc somewhere and then I’ll practice some phone order-y stuff! It won’t be so hard after taking the first few steps silly me, go go! C:

Have a wonderful evening and keep going, you can do it!

[everyone-is-lovelyy]

1. If you had to choose, whiskey or tequila? Why? Whiskey. I feel like you grow out of tequilla haha unless you drink it ironically. I’m no expert at whiskey but I like it sometimes, esp during winter  2. While doing school work, do you take your time or do you try to get it done as quickly as possible? I prefer to take time because the quality of my work is much better then and I feel like I am actually enveloped in what I am learning or writing about. Usually during intense exam periods I find myself rushing to finish but it ends up being quite counterproductive 3. When did you last wear a scrunchi? Right now!  4. If you were a writer, what would you write about most? Creative non-fiction I think, I love that genre so much. But I think I’d enjoy writing children’s books too, I’ve always loved them so much. I like critiques and reviews a lot too, it’s such a great form for writing and I love reading that kind of stuff in the mornings. Academic texts are pretty amazing too if you find topics that interest you, they usually end up blowing your mind. Looking at your Haraway.

5. Do you sometimes yell to get your point across? Not unless I’m fighting with someone in which case I get riled up. 

6. If you get a period, what symptoms do you get when you PMS? I get the usual stomach bloating and desire to devour everything IN SIGHT. My physical PMS pains are kept somewhat under control thanks to the birth control I take. However, emotionally I am a mess. 7. Is there anyone at your school with a cool accent? What kind of accent is it? Belgrade is not too diverse so most of us have a similar accent.  8. What is stressing you out most right now? Today is actually the first day in many a days that nothing is really stressing me out too much. Like I am feeling things and they are not all necessarily positive emotions but no stress. 9. Are you more smart and thoughtful or understanding and kind? Oof I really do not know. I think I am more so understanding and kind? I’m not the most thoughtful person but I think I’ve gotten to be a lot smarter in regards to this lately. 10. Who last asked you for a favor? What was it? My mom, to buy her some stuff from the pharmacy. 11. If you had to decide, what do you think people envy about you? Probably my privilege in regards to how I’ve grown up and the opportunities I’ve had, who my father is. I don’t what else, I don’t see myself that way so it makes me really uncomfortable to even think about this haha 12. If you want to get your crush’s attention, what do you do? I...don’t know? Just speak to them I suppose? Try to get to know them? I really don’t know, is there a strategy to this? 13. How long have you been single or in a relationship for? In a relationship for a year and 3 months almost 14. Are you closer to your friends or family? I think it’s a fair balance since I am really close to both

15. Do you know what you’re going to wear tomorrow? No idea, probably something similar to today haha. It depends on what I end up doing

16. Do you use white strips or anything else to whiten your teeth? Nope. 17. Are there any special events coming up? What are they? Nothing really specifically special, just nice everyday life things :3 18. When it comes to strangers, how trusting are you? Not at all trusting, it takes me months to trust friends or partners. Let alone randoms. I am always a bit on the lookout for getting hurt or manipulated. 19. If someone insults/makes fun of you, what do you do?  Use my terrifying sarcasm to slowly but surely destroy their lives. HAH 20. What color do you think represents your personality? something like a pastel blue ranging to a dark blue or a bright, deep red 21. Would you rather drive on a long straight highway or windy backroads? Windy backroads always! 23. What is the fastest you’ve ever gone in a car? Not too fast because my driving is a JOKE.  24. Have you ever seen someone break their bone in real life? No, sounds terrifying though. I have never broken a bone or had any sort of severe injury in that regard so I can’t even imagine 25. If you got to choose an animal to disappear forever, what would it be? Why? Uh, the one in the white house. <– agreed! <--- Absolutely, claps to this kween <3 26. What are the keys of your heart? Animals, laughing, cups of coffee and reading, writing something not shit, love, love, love. 27. Are you sometimes a control freak? If one can be a control freak while also simultaneously letting their life spiral out of control well then that’s yours truly. 28. If you’re online right now, do you have an away message up? What does it say? Yes HAHA it says “Right?? How fragile can your ego be my boy?? Sit yo ass down” HAHAHAHA 29. Do you know what your GPA is? Currently bordering on 9/10 but I still have 3 more exams left! 30. If you got to pick any winter sport to excel at, what would it be?  Skiing! I loved it so much when I tried but it’s so expensive to organize skiing trips. But I would really love to get better at it 31. Does it piss you off when people interrupt you? Yeah, it really frustrates me. I don’t mind heated conversations or debates where people speak over others, that’s fine, but when someone adamantly ignores you using your voice, I go nuts. 

32. What event did you last dress up for? Who went to that event? 
 Going out last Friday night. I mean “dress up”, I just wore new heels I bought. Peca and I, it turned out to be a shit night but oh well.

33. What was the last picture you took with your phone? My mom sitting under a bunch of beautiful trees at kalemegdan

34. Are you a fashion-conscious person? Where do you buy most of your clothes? Somewhat! I love clothes although my style is actually very simple but I love it that way. I adore Zara, I am honestly adorned in Zara head to toe usually. And then I’ll pick up random things wherever I find them. I love Supergas and desperately want a new pair soon! And I like finding old sunglasses in local vintage shops and such 35. Do you have trouble waking up in the morning? What gets you up and awake? Nah, not really. It takes me a little while because I like laying in bed, scrolling through social media (sigh) and esp listening to podcasts in the morning. But is all good :)

36. What’s something fun you’ve done this week? Who was there? 
 Well it’s only Monday but today was fun. Just getting to this cafe early before my friends came, reading this local paper called LiceUlice which I love and it was a lovely day and leaves were falling from the trees but it was warm. Yeah, pretty ordinary but it was fun.

37. What’s the last thing you texted someone about? Planning with Petar what we want to make for dinner tonight :)

38. When and why did you last blush? 
 I’m not sure.

39. Do you currently have a favorite song? What is it? 
 Dusty Springfield - Son of a Preacher Man and Paul Martin - Le troublant temoignage de paul martin

40. What is one thing you and your best friend have in common physically? 
We currently both have blonde hair? We honestly look so different physically so not much

41. Now based on your interests, what is one thing you both have in common? Political opinions, we both love terrible reality tv and rom-coms and she loves mystery novels which I am getting into now too!

42. What, if anything, is hanging on your refrigerator? 
 A sushi menu, a photo of me that my sister took, a bunch of magnets.

43. What is the last illegal thing you did, even the smallest crime? Probably smoking weed in the street? And crossing the street on a red light

44. How much did each individual thing you’re wearing cost? Not too much really, my shirt was on sale for 10 euro and I got my culottes for like 20 and my necklace was a cheap find at H&M

45. Is that the normal amount you spend on clothes? Yeah, it’s standard I’d say

46. Do you collect anything? Have you ever? Stones and seashells! I like postcards as well and mugs or coffee cups from places I travel.

47. What languages do you speak? 
 English and Serbian, a bit of Greek but it’s pretty bad (I can understand more so than I can speak) and a wee bit of Italian

50. Where do your grandparents live? All my grandparents have passed away. Wow. That’s really sad to think about actually.

51. When is the next time you’re going on vacation? Where to? I am going to Holland middle of November! SHOOK-ETH. To the Hague and to Amsterdam for a little little bit if we manage to organize ourselves :D

52. How well do you do in school? How are your grades compared to your siblings? I am a pretty good student at uni, I mean I try hard. And I could have done a lot better too if my attendance wasn’t so shit but oh well, YOUTH. My sister was good at university too so I’d say we are about the same. 53. Does your family eat dinner together? Who does the cooking? 
 Not really but we eat lunch together sometimes! So that’s nice. My mom usually but sometimes my dad orders in some lovely food

54. Are you usually motivated to work or are you a procrastinator?
 Mostly motivated unless I’m going through a bad phase

55. Has the last month been really stressful for you? Yeah even though I technically haven’t had any obligations but I think that’s what has been stressful for me. It’s insane for the first time since kindergarten having this open space ahead of you without any rules or structure. It’s starting to feel liberating rn but was awful the past few weeks. 

56. What do you base first impressions on? (Behavior, clothing, etc.)
 Sadly I do base some of it on clothing and such. Not as a judgement, just that I think that style and such reflects character. But also just the way someone speaks and to what degree they are open, I have a good intuition about that sort of stuff

57. Who do you know that is a vegetarian? How about a vegan? 
 A few people and a ton of my mom’s friends are vegan, effing yogis I love them.

58. When is the last time you went out to dinner with a friend? Where did you go? Who paid?
 Umm peca and I got wok (this thai place) last Saturday. Does that count? We split.  59. What was the last thing to surprise you? Hmm my mama bought me flowers today. Which was surprising because we got into a nasty fight the other day and haven’t really discussed it yet. But yeah, it warmed my heart a little bit.