#but since we know thats an uphill battle

[year2000electronics]

What is your take on Relativity Falls Fiddleford?

SO. UH. i very much still do not have any sort of concrete, finalized take on relativity falls (there are just so many possibilities to do) but i think fiddleford specifically i always like to highlight in that au when im talking about it because to me he can kinda start one of my favourite conversations, which is "just what are the 'swapping' rules when you make a 'swap au'?" when do you break those rules, if there even is the point of making rules in general, and is there swap aus where you only swap one thing and so everything follows that change in tandem?

and i bring this up specifically because a lot of the time, in relativity falls, fiddleford's role i'd specifically classify as just

"isnt he a stand-in for candy/grenda when he's the stan twins' friend?" NOT NECESSARILY. because even when they play it the most straight and have fiddleford swap with, like, candy. right. everybody really likes fiddleford! most of the time, relativity falls fans and old mystery trio fans DIRECTLY overlap. so fiddleford isnt just candy or grenda, because he is implied to have so much more screentime/serious moments than candy and grenda do. because we like fiddleford and want to see more of him!

but that begs the question, do you just pretend really hard that fiddleford is just a direct stand-in for candy & grenda, or do you acknowledge that when one cast of characters swaps ages with another cast, and by extension, swaps stories, it's not going to be an exact even split?

and once you get over THAT, you can REALLY start having fun with aus like this. because if youre like "well fiddleford doesnt necessarily have to be a direct parallel to candy and grenda, it doesnt always have to be an exact 'character swap'"! you end up going from this sort of uphill battle of having to do things like making dipper and candy be portal partners to something like, i dont know, PACIFICA filling in fiddleford's role while she also takes on a bit of a lazy susan role! and fiddleford can just be the kid friend of the stans' since YOU CAN JUST DO THAT!

...but if you asked ME, what i would do with fiddleford? well, i would make him the stans' friend, obviously, but i think i would make him the handyman of the mystery shack. ...yes, taking soos' role.

why? well, soos is the best tritagonist for dipper and mabel, usually! he's also someone who tinkers with stuff, just like fidds! it feels like a natural fit for mystery trio-esque shenanigans, no?

but of course, that begs the question "mothra, fiddleford is 12, mabel couldnt legally HIRE him, right??" great point! fiddleford basically begged mabel to let him work there so he could have access to power tools. you wanna know how they cover up the fact that mabel is kinda letting a kid work at the mystery shack?

yeah. thats what i would do.

so where does that lead soos in "portal incident" story? is he the equivalent to mcgucket? i dont really know. he doesnt necessarily have to be. he could be anything. maybe hes the mayor. i dont know

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 17: SAINTS AND SINNERS

WC: 5560

warnings: death, blood, mentions of 🍇, sa, violence, drugs, murder etc.

prev chapter

***

Yaera

"santo falcone made me give anya the drugs that killed her."

im sitting in my living room with my parents, with our legal representative sitting beside me. i knew this would happen, my parents quizzed me all night on my whereabouts and demanded to know the truth. even though the "truth" was not what they liked, i kept calm and let myself be questioned. the entire stance is that i have nothing to hide after all.

but that doesnt mean they believed me.

it was an uphill battle, getting to this part. even as they sit and look at me, i see the cloud of doubt in their eyes. they dont believe me at all.

"and what was your relationship like with the deceased?" the investigating officer asks me.

"they simply modelled together," my mother butt in before i could answer. "anya was three years yaera's senior. they did not see each other often."

the investigative officer looks at me for confirmation. i nod.

"and the last time you saw the deceased?"

"at an organized event," i say. "my parents and everyone was there. its where santo made me give the drugs to her. she took some infront of me and was fine."

"what was the behaviour of the victim like?"

victim? my parents told me anya's death was immediately ruled a drug overdose. she had that shit all in her veins. why is it that we're using words such as "victim". it implies someone other than herself was involved.

but i guess now with my story, thats the angle we're going with.

"she was like herself...a little more erratic than usual. she was excited to see me."

"and why is that?"

"we were friends?"

the investigative officer hums and writes something down on his notepad. i look to my lawyer who shakes her head, assuring me we have nothing to worry about.

"i thought you didnt know each other that well?"

"it feels like youre trying to look for a story where there is none, officer min. my client has done nothing wrong. shes an 18 year old girl who was coerced by a man in position of power," my lawyer says firmly.

"miss irina muñoz and miss claire galizia alleges that miss marino sold miss jelavić bags of pills that she mixed with cocaine, which then resulted in her death. that is a serious claim which has to be looked into. drug trafficking carries more of a weight than possession."

"i dont know why they would say that. ive never been on any drugs," i say. "ive done some underage drinking, but thats it. santo manages those girls, he feeds their drug habits. i dont know anything about this!"

"according to mr and mrs marino, both miss muñoz and miss galizia have been admitted for drug abuse in the past. they were forgiven because mr and mrs marino have known them since they were girls. it is possible that they have relapsed and fed lies while under drug induced psychosis. they are models and are often overworked, im sure you know how things are, mr min?" my lawyer added in.

"hmmm." the officer gets up from my parents couch and tucks his pen into the pocket of his suit.

"i'll be in contact, mr and mrs marino. i'll have to contact mr falcone for his piece on this. so far we have opposing accounts from both parties, which proves there is dispute. we'll open a docket soon."

the officer leaves our home, and i swear my parents breathe for the first time. my father is pinching the bridge of his nose. i dont know how to feel. they're going to open a case.

i cried when i realized anya was really gone. of course i cared about her. the tears stopped when i realized irina and claire ratted me out for no goddamn reason. i didnt feed her those fcking drugs. she was on hard shit regardless of my involvement.

"dont worry, they have nothing on you," my lawyer says and smiles at me. "the most he can do is apply for a warrant to search your house and the judge loves me, i'll make sure it doesnt get approved. as for now, dont go anywhere, you might be under surveillance, your hang out spots may be under surveillance as well. if you have any digital footprint relating to the sale of paraphernalia, let me know immediately."

my digital footprint was an old nokia phone with no gps, untraceable calls and no real existence because i smashed that phone to bits in san's apartment and scattered its remains on my way home.

"can i talk to you ms kim?" i ask her.

"call me dahyun."

"speak infront of us," my mother demands.

i shake my head. "no, im sorry. i really need a moment alone with her."

my mother looks at me enraged. "a moment alone–?"

"its fine, mrs marino," dahyun says with a smile. "im sure she just wants peace of mind."

i take her up to my room, where ive started to fucking stress. she sits down on my bed and looks at me with concern.

"are you worried about something, yaera?"

"no ones gonna know what we speak about, right? even if you find out im guilty?"

dahyun straightens herself and gives me a stern look. "there is complete confidentiality between a client and her lawyer. if you are guilty, i will always act in your best interests. its my job to always secure the best outcome for you, yaera."

"okay. can calls be recorded? on an old nokia phone?"

"no, but cellphone records can be kept and found through the nearest cell tower. this only gives you a general location of where the call was made though, not who its from or what was discussed on the call. they're usually kept for 6 months to 2 years. why? is there something youre worried about?"

im relieved, but tears start to pool in my eyes from i dont know what. i flick them off my cheek quickly.

"i had a call with the girls about the drugs on a second phone, which i destroyed after i found out anya overdosed. i just dont wanna look more guilty," i say weakly.

"its fine, yaera. thank you for being honest about it. you dont worry about looking guilty, that man coerced you. and coercion is a valid defense. is there anything else i should know about him?"

i tell her about that night. i let it all spill out. his attempt to assault me, what he did to me and my sister for years. by the end of it, dahyun is looking at me like i gave her a solid case.

"thank you for that, yaera. im sorry to hear about what happened with you and your sister. i should get working on this case as soon ASAP," she says, picking up her briefcase. "i'll keep in touch."

dahyun leaves my room and my parents are quick to barge in. i dont know if they were close by the entire time, but they were properly angry by the time they got to me.

"do you have any idea what you have gotten us into?" my mother says. "we will have to go against santo!"

there it is, the rush. the rush of getting out of here. the glimpse of hell that is being under their scrutiny and scope once again. ive had a good streak of behaving so far. its a pity anya had to break it.

my mother looks at my hopelessly. "really yaera?" she sighs. "please, please if you gave that girl the drugs, just admit it to us."

"this is going to disappear in 2 weeks anyway," my father adds on. "you might as well tell the truth."

they really think i did it. its laughable. i havent once had a run in with drugs. ive had a problem with smoking and drinking, but not once have i put my nose to a counter or even touched a joint. they know this, and yet they think its still possible.

"so you think i did it?" i smile bitterly. "you really think im capable of it?"

believing seasoned druggies over me. god, they hurt my heart.

"for what reason would irina and claire have to lie, yaera? they are your friends!" my mother snaps, fed up. "for gods sake! please, just spare us all and tell the truth, yaera. i dont know what to do with you anymore, really. you have hurt this family over and over."

"we give you EVERYTHING!" she cries out, actual tears rolling down her face. "and you do this to us. every single time its like our name means nothing to you!"

seeing my mother cry fills me up with rage i didnt even know i could pull out of me.

"fuck your family name," i seethe. my parents stare at me in utter shock. "your family name meant nothing when you chose santo over believing me. so many fucking times, you refused to go against him. you dont even realize how much YOU have hurt us by putting us under the eyes of that man. that fucking predator, do you even know what hes done to me? to US?"

"he tried to rape me. he tried to fucking rape me the night of that event. he had a whole relationship with yasmine when she was alive. when i stopped modelling, it was because he kept fucking molesting me. and you didnt see it, OVER AND OVER IT WAS INFRONT OF YOU. MY SHAME. MY FEAR. I WAS IN PAIN AND ALL YOU CARED ABOUT WAS THE FACT THAT I DIDNT WANT TO MODEL FOR YOU ANYMORE. FUCK YOU!"

throughout my rant, my screaming just got worse until i was left a sobbing mess. my parents just stood there like the lackluster humans they are. useless. disappointing. utterly unhelpful.

"what do you say now?" i laugh through my tears. "nothing to say about your perfect little santo?"

"he...he tried to..." my father stutters. and its the first time in my whole life he doesnt speak with conviction.

"yes, pàpa. he tried to hurt me. he almost succeeded."

and he would have. if san hadnt walked through those doors. and after that, i would have honestly killed myself.

my mother breaks down sobbing and drops down on my bed, holding her head in her hands. it isnt enough for me to see her like this. i feel nothing towards her.

"why did you never tell us?" my father asks. "really yaera, why?"

"why would i tell you anything. ask yourself if you are really good parents. if i can come to you for anything besides money and a way out of jail."

"that is not fair," my father says, shaking his head. "we have given you everything."

"but you did not keep me safe," i whisper defeatedly. "not from him. not even yasmine."

my father finds a spot on my carpet to stare at and i see a single tear drop stain the folds. i cant stand to see them process it. if they cant handle it, imagine how i felt.

all those times. over and over.

i wipe my face with the back of my hand and straighten myself. "i told dahyun everything. she'll use it to take him down," i say and walk to my door, grabbing a jacket off the hanger and shrugging it on.

"dont wait up for me. im not coming home tonight."

they dont try to stop me from leaving. i dont think they'll be able to, ever again.

***

san

wooyoung and i hang out on the rooftop of mao's club, overlooking the dried out city infront of us. wooyoung leisurely sips on a beer as he leans on the parapet, staring at the late afternoon sun over his sunglasses as though we're in some movie.

that's the thing with him really. he romanticized this gang life so often that i think he forgot how far things can go. how bad it can get. wooyoung was never the kind of guy to think things through till it was too late. he thought things wrapped up on their own, just like in the movies.

i used to get angry as hell at him. he was in this gang longer than me, yet we didnt see things the same way at all. its like he never really feared for his life, because in his head he'd never lose it. he was the main character with plot armour.

watching yunho die was the nail in the coffin. that illusion shattered completely.

"are you sure with taking on everything yourself?" woo asks me. "i dont want that shit on your conscience man. i fucked up, it shouldnt have to be you."

me doing it myself was the only way i'd be satisfied that we'd have a job well done. "i told you it wont bother me. i just want to get this shit over with, i'll get over whatever guilt i feel."

thats to say if i'll even feel guilty. i think the world would be safer without that hongjoong fucker walking around.

woo takes a swig of his beer, gulping it loudly. he takes off his glasses and tosses it aside, turning to look at me solemnly.

"im sorry for everything man. i know i probably ruined your life."

i pat his shoulder lightly and sigh. "dont take all the credit. you know that's my old man's work. we cant take back what happened. lets just work on making it out alive."

woo looks like he wants to cry with how his face scrunches, but no tears come. "i didnt think we'd separate so early. i knew you'd have to leave me to do some big boy job...but this isnt how i wanted things to end."

wooyoung in hong kong and me in cuba. i think its safe to say neither of us are ever going to see each other again. it makes my chest hurt.

"i'd rather have us apart than have us both dead over some bullshit like this," i say, hoping it comforts him. ive never been good at this whole talking about your feelings thing.

woo snorts and looks at his hands absentmindedly. "at least you won't be alone right? i guess this girl must be the real deal, sticking with you till the end."

i dont even want to smile about it. it comforts me a lot, knowing i wont be alone. knowing she'll be there till the end.

but then i imagine a few months from now. we make it out alive. we make it to cuba. yaera and i are together there. somehow shit goes sideways and she ends up in deeper shit. a crossfire she shouldnt be apart of.

that night when i left her, i pictured her dead body full of stab wounds and bullet holes. it made me physically ill. i couldnt even speak to her normally after that. my fear was paralysing.

"if i could, i'd leave her behind," i admit. "just to keep her safe."

knowing her, she'd kill me for it. and possibly never forgive me. just like me, yaera doesnt have much to live for here. ive seen her life and i'd run away from it as much as her if i had to go through all of that. our current reality was already considered the past. and even if we returned to it, nothing would be there for us anymore.

her and i were each others futures. despite everything, the way we started off and where we were now, i cant say i regret meeting her. i think shes the only thing that saved me from ending it all as soon as things were going bad. the one person who cared enough to bother me in every way, yeah she had her motives, but i know at some point, things like that stopped mattering.

we saw the worst parts of each other and yet...yet we still chose to go through all of this together. she had a choice. she couldve left whenever she wanted. but she never did. that soothed something in me. something i didnt realize i was always afraid of.

i think yaera marino saved me.

"you love her, huh?" woo hums. i know just from the mention of that word that my face is red because it feels warm. "i think she loves you too."

"i dont know. all i know is, i'd kill anyone that tried to hurt her. she'd do the same for me. thats what i know."

woo rolls his eyes at me. i know he thinks im a lost cause emotionally but hes not the one that gets to talk. i dont know what half my feelings are, all i know is i have them, they choke me up sometimes. sometimes they make me feel really weak and soft. i wont go slapping a label on everything, like that label would make things more sensible to me.

"i want you to see me off," woo says, thankfully changing the subject from yaera. "at the abandoned shipyard. after everything. least we should be able to do is say goodbye."

"so i get to see you off but you wont see me off at the airport," i halfjoke. "you're a real leech, you know that?"

woo smiles, its something of a defeated one. because thats really what we are–defeated. once we leave, everything will go to shit. im just glad i wont be leaving any family behind to possibly get hurt. and the one person i care about is coming with me.

"damn. after we do this, Miss A is going to get so much shit from the Black Dragons. shit is going to be all out war."

"no turning back now," i sigh. i cant say that i care too much about inconveniencing Miss A. she ruined my fucking life. she kind of deserves to sit with a mess. "plus, im sure she can find another lackey to help clean up whatever when we're gone. our errand-boy days are clean over."

woo shrugs. "we're helping her though, right? taking out the 2 biggest problems in the Black Dragons. this is the only way we'll send a real message."

fuck the message. i couldnt care less. i just wanted to give that witch what she wanted, take the money i made then disappear.

"no matter what, we're in this together. we started this mess together, that's how we'll end it," i tell him. wooyoung smiles at me, holding out his beer toward me. i dont resist, taking it by the neck and gulping down the rest of it. it burns my throat and i toss the bottle to the ground.

"hong kong is gonna be lame without you," woo whines. "mao's boys are gonna have me speaking fucking cantonese. im gonna have to roll with a whole new crew. you know how batshit those triads are?"

"hey, just imagine it'll be just like that video game you like," i tease him. "whats it called? watch dogs?"

"sleeping dogs," woo corrects me with a glare. "and fuck no. the main character's friend dies at the end, i am not trying to be like him."

well that was dark. "you'll play the story differently. way better."

"shut up. youre trying to hype me up when youre gonna be out there playing house with your woman. fucking cuba? you're knocking her ass up in a few months, i can already tell."

"i cant have kids right now," i mutter. though, it wouldnt stop me from trying. "i think the both of us just want peace. i'll see if she still cares about me when i dont bring any danger to her life anymore."

woo snorts. "if you're still looking for proof, you're a blind and deaf man."

my phone buzzes in my pocket. i completely wanted to toss it but i knew Miss A would start tripping and sending minions of her own after us if she couldnt reach me of all people. i expect messages from her, but all of them are from yaera.

i feel my head spinning reading it. she tells me that one of her friends died overdosing on our drugs and that she'll take care of everything. she has the nerve to tell me not to stress afterward, she booked the flight tickets, and that shes sleeping at my apartment tonight. at the end she tells me not to come home because theres a chance she might be under surveillance.

what the fuck?

"did she tell you shes pregnant or something?" woo nosily asks. i look up from my phone and scowl at him. he shrugs. "hey! i know you guys have been going at it like rabbits. i can see it on your aura."

"shut the fuck up woo, oh my god," i groan and show him the messages. woo shakes his head, looking both impressed and disturbed.

"i gotta say man, ive never seen two people more compatible. both your lives are absolutely shit. with the way you guys live, i can never guess what the hells going to happen next. least she gave you a heads up."

"you're one to talk," i fire back. "and as if that makes me worry less."

now i would have all of that in the back of my mind. one of mao's gangsters comes through the roof access door and calls for us to come down. our movie bonding cinematic scene was over i guess.

***

yaera

santo has never stopped trying to contact me since anya died. he probably heard i was throwing him under the bus, and now he wanted the truth. i'd give him that and more.

my phone rings again while i loiter around san's apartment, looking around for anyone suspicious. theres a telephone booth nearby, and i walk to it, punching in a coin as i dial his number.

"pronto?" santo answers.

"hey, its yaera," i say, and for a moment theres a brief pause before santo starts breathing heavily.

"tesoro..." still calling me that, arent you? "im so sorry for what happened at the gala...but what you are doing now...it is unforgivable. i cant allow it."

"you're right, santo," i sigh into the speaker, watching the cars blankly pass me by. "i really am sorry. my head is a mess, i cant handle anya's death and everything is confusing."

"why did you blame me?" he sounds hurt. what a fucking lunatic. "i would never hurt her. or you, or anyone?"

i smile, my hand gripping the phone tighter. "i want to fix things," i tell him. "can i see you, please?"

he pauses. i can imagine his fucked up smile behind the screen. "did it really take anya dying for you to finally say you want to see me?"

"get me at the old park tonight at eleven. on 78th avenue. i'll explain everything."

"why at a park? let me take you to dinner."

"i might be under surveillance, santo. and you might be too. i want us to talk with no interference, im scared of what it will look like if anyone sees us."

he sighs. "yes you are right... i will see you tonight. i look forward to sorting this out, tesoro."

"me too. ciao." i dont wait for him to answer back and slam the phone back into its holder. some old guy behind me looks at me strangely and i make my way up to san's apartment.

when i get there, i start making myself some eggs. when im in the kitchen, i noticed some of his fish died. san's been gone for a while so he hasnt replaced the water or fed them, and only one is left swimming around the tank. i watch as it slowly cruises in the greying water, all the dead mollys floating at the top of the tank.

tragic.

with all the bad shit thats been going on, i feel as clearheaded as can be. its scary to me, how calm i am at this very moment. a knock on the door holds back my foreboding thoughts and i go and check who it is.

i open the door slightly, seeing an asian man behind it. immediately as im looking at him, i know hes bad news. probably one of san's other gang members. fuck it, i know hes going to get mad at me for not listening to him about coming here.

"hello?" the man says, sounding confused. "sorry, does choi san live here?"

"no sorry," i smile despite my growing nerves. "i think you have the wrong apartment."

"huh..." the guy smiles, and its unsettling. "so you live here? whats your name?"

"i cant just give out my name to strangers, amore," i flash a flirty smile to throw him off. "i'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

"my name's hongjoong," the guy's smile grows and i have to stop mine from fading. i know hes not one of san's guys. in fact, i think hes the reason they have to go missing.

showing straight up to his apartment? was he going to kill san? does he know about me?

"thats a cute name. im marina," i hold out my hand and he shakes it firmly. "well hongjoong, i cant help you. but i hope you find who you're looking for."

"i hope so too, sweetheart. you have a good day."

hongjoong starts walking away and i dont go back into the apartment until i see him disappear into the lift. when hes out of view, i quickly lock the door and call san. it irritates me when he doesnt answer, and i decide to drop it because i know hes going to force me to leave the apartment.

that guy was going to kill san. but what the fuck did he think was going to happen, was he just going to show up and shoot him? come in and have some tea first?

god we have to get the hell out of here. these problems are becoming bigger than us. throughout the night i check the door to make sure hongjoong doesnt return, having done my research on him on san's slow ass wifi. the fact that i was flirting with someone who would have driven a machete clean into my gut is insane, but probably on brand for me.

san answers me when im getting ready to leave. i put on his hoody and mask, along with his black beanie. he calls me persistently right as im about to leave.

"hello?"

"why the fuck are you still there yaera?" san snaps at me instantly. "god, cant you listen to me for once? what if hes waiting for you there? what if he follows you?"

i cant guarantee that he wont, but i cant let him feel right. "he wants you, san. not me."

"hes a gangster!" san sounds like hes going to burst a vein. "a ruthless killer. and you're close to me, you dont think he'd rip you away from me on the spot?"

i sigh, at least i know he gives a fuck on whether i live or die now. "i know, i know. im leaving right now."

"its almost eleven, where the hell are you going?"

"to meet santo."

"what?"

san's voice in deep in confusion and its because i havent told him. was never planning to. this is something i needed to do alone.

"i want you to come get me tonight. can you do that?" i ask hopefully. "i cant go back home. not with everything going on."

"yaera..." san groans. "fuck. fine. where should woo and i pick you up?"

"outside the park. i need you to come as soon as you can."

"what are you going to do?"

"you'll know once i see you. bye, take care."

i hang up, and i know its fucked up but i need to be in the right head space. sans been my grounding force for a while, but i know i'll never be at peace with that fucker still being around. i need to end it all.

the park is dark and quiet, the faint light of the streetlamps barely making a dent in the darkness. the sounds of my converse crunching on the grass are accompanied by owls and the chirping of crickets, and the full moon is the the brightest thing in the sky. there arent even any clouds.

i take my seat on a bench near a lamp that looks like its on its last life. no ones around. i figured there'd be at least one ranger roaming, but i guess tonight was my lucky night.

no witnesses. just me and him.

santo emerges from the darkness, wearing a suit and his shitty fade is the first thing i see. he pauses in his tracks when he sees me, his face unreadable. i stand up and lower my mask, then i tuck my hands inside san's hoodie for warmth.

"tesoro," he says breathlessly. "how good to finally get you alone."

"you too," i say but dont move. neither does he.

"i didnt want things to be this way," he says. "really, throughout everything i just wanted to love you. and i wanted you to love me."

"like yasmine loved you?" i scoff with a wry smile.

his face falls. i cant believe he thinks i dont fucking know.

he laughs, genuinely shocked. "and where does that come from?"

"you were seeing her the whole time you were molesting me. only difference is, she fucking liked your attention. unlike me who'd rather die than be under your filthy gaze. i know everything. you probably killed her, didnt you?" i daringly say.

he stands there, his face darkening with my every word. its like hes remembering it all.

"so why did you do it?" i ask when he doesnt respond. "did she threaten to expose you for the trash you are?"

"i would never hurt anyone–"

"you tried to fucking rape me!" i scream. "more than once. you're capable of fucking anything!"

"i was trying to love you," he corrects me and starts coming closer. he stops right infront of me, his breath almost fanning my face.

"but you were always an ungrateful bitch and could never accept anything good. you deserve nothing. at least your sister was an angel. you? you are rotten, yaera. your eyes are empty. you have no light inside you."

"you took it from me," i seethe. "you took fucking everything from me."

he chuckles lowly, daring to smile in my face as he looks me up and down. "not everything. i still havent made you feel like a woman."

crazy how he thinks someone as hot as me is still a virgin.

"you've made me feel like nothing," i say. "you ruined me. youre a fucking rapist and a pedophile."

"really?" he tilts his head to the side. "well, if youre so ruined, then we must throw broken toys in the trash, dont you think?"

in a flash, santo grabs my face, maneuvering me around so he can choke me out with his elbow. i gasp at the sudden movement, clawing at his arm as he applies pressure.

"you want to know what happened to your sister?" he grits through his teeth. "fine, i'll take you to the same place as her. maybe you'll be happy with me then."

i reach back for his clothes, kicking the air hard till he swings me wildly. santo smacks into a tree with his back and momentarily loses his grip on me, and i grip the back of his suit into a fist before flipping him over my body and onto the floor. he tries to stand up but i stomp on his chest, pulling san's gun from the pocket of his hoodie. santo freezes when he sees the mouth of the gun pointed at his face.

"yaera..." he chokes, his hands going up in surrender.

"you fucking cunt," i growl. "i almost killed myself over what you did to me back then. now, i know the only one who should be dead is you."

he stares at me blankly, his breathing hard and erratic. he tries to quickly get up but i pull the trigger on him, grazing him in the arm. the first shot goes off and breaks the silence of the park. santo lets out a crushed scream, and i kick him across the face with the tip of my converse.

"you wouldnt..." he starts laughing erratically. "you wouldnt kill me. you're a fucking child. you dont have the heart–"

i aim for his head, firing another bullet, hitting the centre of his face.

smoke drifts from his mouth as his blank eyes stare into the sky. i see a pool of black appearing on the side of his head. its over.

its over.

i fire another bullet. and another. and another. i fire until the gun stops me with an empty click, till santo's face is full of leaking holes. then, i walk away, stepping over his body, pulling san's mask back over my nose.

***

tagslist: @mountiiny @brown88 @sansonlygf @mingkisbitch @yutaslaugh

if i missed anyone in the tagslist, please let me know.

next chapter

[suvaan]

I dont think she will ever realise how much i cared.The effort i tried to put in. I mean who am i kidding. It was amazing but it takes two people. She lost the spark, fought with me, found ways to push instead of pull and we both know if its worth fighting for you do it. Yes i believe in destiny, but you still have to choose that person. Because its rare. Unless you connect with everyone that deeply, or care so pure, its hard to see it let go. God expects me to wait until her voice fades from my head, and her looks from my mind, all the while not realising the minute i saw her i was done. That was mrs shunmugam. It was her decision not for that to become. The hole remains in my chest. The one ive had since i was a kid. But im not waiting on her to fill it. Im doing my own thing. I know my worth. Im an amazing man. But ill go my whole life not knowing why i wasnt enough, in what life did we meet in person, and how did it turn out? So i prayed a final time. I wished for her and her brother to find happiness. I thought about her finding another guy but honestly whats the point. I don’t know if thats what she wants or needs but i know its not me, cos if it was shed be with me now. Life isnt as complicated as she made it out to be. I should know. I faced a million uphill battles. Ill face a million more. But you know youve found the one when the uphill battles are beautiful when shared with someone. Thats what i hope for her. She finds that thing, that person, that little bit of hope to cling onto. I listened to everything she said god. I gave my heart, soul and more to her, never looked at another girl cos my breath was taken by her. So i know she once said she felt cursed. That she would never get a life of happiness. And you know what, i thought the same thing, until i met her. I think she will feel the same one day. Lifes not so bad when you get to spend it in the company of that person who spent their life looking for you :)

I know youll never read this so i write freely. My words once meant the world to you, so did my voice face and presence, and as they become nothing but mere memories, all i can say is i tried my best with you. I hope one day you see it, i dont know if youll regret it, but i hope you dont regret it enough to not say hello. Lifes too long to live it in pain.

Inshallah. If not in this life, in every other.

[solarvh]

actually this question has a lot of moving variables so i gotta lay down some questions to determine it

are we using ramsey's AC kit (specifically his “ehh you guys got this” passive lets him just not take damage that targets multiple people) or are we just going crayons and gold? that would make quite a difference

on that note, is ramsey fighting in a party or solo?

is dark world buffing in effect? dark worlds buff pretty much everything to be more exaggerated and more fantastical. if kris's pencil becomes a sword, ramsey's gold crayons could become something like throwing spears. thats pretty big

is spamton NEO or regular?

if spamton is regular, ramsey could win against spamton but i wouldnt know who would win (ramsey and spamton are both not that physically strong but i could say ramsey is fitter since ramsey likes to just punch/people's elbow people which is an advantage), and if 3 is yes, ramsey wins easy. regular spamton is not a challenging fight, id say ramsey could do it even if he's fighting solo.

if spamton is NEO though, i would say spamton definitely has the advantage. He's a superboss. and if ramsey is fighting solo he would definitely get smoked. if ramseys in a party, id say its an uphill battle but theres a chance of victory. i wont be placing any bets though. and if dark world buffs aren't in effect, yeah ramsey's losing.

so in the end it pretty much comes down to "which spamton are we talking here" and "are dark world buffs in effect"

[mokutone]

yo i would love to hear some of ur trans yam headcanons :) (also ps ur art is breathtaking and whenever i see it reblogged on my dash i always come here anyway to read ur tags bc they r so! good!)

thank u 🥺🥺🥺 god im sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a couple days ksdjghsdkjgh not only have i got a LOT of thoughts to put here (this is only a selection of the bigger thoughts skdjghsdkjhg) i was also super busy the past few days!!!! ty for ur patience, ur compliments, and for inviting me to ramble abt my favorite guy!

maybe the one constant in all trans people is just like. our decision to intentionally and purposefully create ourselves, to forced into an identity by outside forces and to turn away from it in search of something else, and that’s ultimately what makes captain yamato read as a trans character to me! He goes through so many identities, and they are meaningful to him, but you can also clearly tell that he’s searching for something that really fits him.

I don’t really have a lot of firm thoughts on what his specific identity would be, I’ve seen some great nonbinary yams, some lovely genderfluid yams, trans guy yams, there’s a great variety and i delight in them all! 

I tend to imagine him as transmasculine and nonbinary but male aligned (which means he’d feel at least a partial connection to or comfort with masculinity) and while there are a bunch of labels for this experience of gender (demiboy, bigender, etc etc) i don’t see him as somebody who would use any specific labels, I feel like he’d keep his own experience of his gender fairly private! He’d prefer and be fine with masculine-coded terms of address, and happy enough passing as a guy.

AHH and on names...

I think Kinoe is the only name that I really see as like. a genuine deadname. It’s a name that means “The First” to my understanding, and so like, probably refers to him having the genetics of the first. Therefore, it’s kind of. literally a name referring to him as his biology...boy thats as deadname as it gets, huh? kill that shit and also danzō

Tenzō is also a name thats given to him, but to my understanding (all I know about the anbu arc is picked up thru osmosis lol) it’s a name that’s given to him twice, with affection. Once from Yukimi, who sees him as her brother (not a vessel for the first hokage’s powers, probably for the first time ever—even if it’s still another person’s name) He takes the name, gladly! Unfortunately danzō. anyway,

Later, when he starts to introduce himself to the non-root Anbu as Kinoe, Kakashi cuts him off and names him to the anbu as Tenzō. To my understanding: it’s a name at rest, not a name for one singular mission, but a name for his entire time in Anbu. It’s the name he keeps the longest. Again, it’s a name that’s given to him to him by somebody else, but it’s one that is given with the intention to free him of Kinoe, and all that Kinoe had to be. 

(A note on him getting annoyed with Kakashi for calling him Tenzō in main-plot:

Most of this is of course based off of personal experience, but I find it hard to believe that he would actively dislike Tenzō as a name since it was given with such sweet intentions—most of my names have been gifts, and the only one I’ve actively taken out of rotation has been bc i cannot stand the person who used it, and the way it was used, and while Anbu was certainly bad for Yamato...I don’t think it was quite that bad. I think him telling Kakashi to stop calling him Tenzō has more to do with the use of it where it doesn’t belong—for example, while it’s not exactly a name, I am happy to be called “mokutone” here, and you may notice my friends calling me by another name, but if any of those friends called me mokutone in DMs, I would be bothered by that.)

Yamato starts off as an empty codename, given to him for the purposes of his team 7 mission by the Hokage, but I think it gets such a loving and warm association from just...using out in the sunlight, with these kids that he comes to think so fondly of (he’s such a dad. god. he’s such a fucking dad) and with the friends he makes going out drinking and actually having time to socialize—and that means a lot! I think Yamato is probably the name which becomes most meaningful and like a home to him by the end of the series. This is the active name, the name where he is most himself. It’s vital for him to have that space to grow into! 

But that said, I personally feel like, if he were to continue beyond the edges of the story, this would not be the final name he bears. He’s probably well aware that a single name cannot contain who he is, or who he wants to be, and while being Given a name can be a beautiful thing (like i said, most of my names are gifts! i treasure them.) I think that, for his character arc, I would like him to name himself at some point. Even if it’s a name that only exists for private spaces, I want him to complete that self determination, to at least try it out, even if ultimately Yamato is the name everyone else will know him by.

Physical Transition Stuff

i will confess i hurt to imagine these shinobi binding 😭😭 even if an individual is binding safely (well made binder, no more than 8 hours, AND No Physically Intense Activity) they stand to risk hurting themself! In real life we gotta balance out the physical pain and the pain of dysphoria, but this is naruto and I’m Gonna Play Some Headcanon Games!

If chakra is both a kind of spiritual energy as well as directly connected to the body (as we learned in the hyūga fight) then it stands to reason that by manipulating ones own chakra, they can manipulate the body, or at least the way the body changes (such as naruto’s healing factor) 

This probably is not the safest thing to do unless you’re a mednin or following the directions of one, LMAO

The second the hell of puberty started up for Tenzō he tried to hold it back by sheer force of willpower + chakra manipulation alone 

but, manually controlling one’s chakra is like trying to prevent a stream from flowing with your hands alone, which is to say: an exhausting uphill battle.

 He’d probably only be doing it on his down time and not on a mission, but even still the most I bet he could make it doing that without getting figured out is two months.

Luckily blockers are readily available, Tenzō just had no idea and, gender being a private experience for him, was trying to handle the whole thing entirely on his own. Soon after attempting to self-regulate hormones him-fucking-self like a very valid but desperate fool, he gets an appointment, gets a prescription, and can chill out and not have to be as hellishly aware of his body constantly.

 Konoha mednin will say trans rights even if the village itself is garbage, this series is so god damn weird already, nobody can tell me a ninja taking hormones is somehow weirder than a ninja taking his dead best friends genetic superpower eye.

TWO WEEKS, THREE SPARS, AND ONE VERY EMOTIONALLY DRAINING CONVERSATION LATER:

u might think kakashi is passing him a water bottle and they both look so exhausted bc its post spar but no. physically theyre fine, but the emotional toll of having to talk about something either of them care at all about? miracle they survived.

[emi1y]

u like irish gaelic? i love u

YEAH YEAH YEAH im ""irish"" in the sense that im american but like, five generations back my family came from ireland, but when quarantine began i started looking into traditional irish culture just for funzies and the more research i did the more i felt connected to this idea of how if i go back in my ancestry, thats my FAMILY. i am a part of them even though we are seperated by time and an ocean. and it felt really really nice because i wasn't raised with any particular cultural ties and so this was the first time i felt this opportunity to reconnect with something meaningful

so anyway i got into the language cuz my last name is a very obvious irish american surname and i wanted to know the non anglicized version of it cuz i figured that would help create a clearer connection to that culture and it DID because i had a very big Holy Shit moment when i found it and i was like!!! what if i could feel like this all the time!!!!!!!! so since then ive been trying to learn the language on and off 🥰 ive been having trouble finding a good language learning website that works well for it cuz there arent as many resources as there are for like, french. duolingo is not it, it feels more like its the online equivalent of opening a translation dictionary and trying to memorize it and it doesn't help at all with grammar construction. plus im dyslexic im already bad enough with reading the language i actually know lmao so its been an uphill battle. but im still trying!!!!

[atlantisthorn]

Its been 3 years. Sometimes i feel like im still there. The completely irrational voices that i know were actually other people but at the time didn't, the level of fear involved that i had to overcome on a nightly basis. I guess i really am a type B personality at my core. That i'm usually ok with, but maybe that's why i think others think my adulting, 'tough guy' persona is so hated, why there's always such bad things said about it wherever i am. I've lost so many times in this uphill battle, in this horrible game i never wanted to play, but have to, i dont feel its spiritual unless i actually feel. But my sensations are so different than the status quo. I can be hard headed and hot headed. I can seem cold hearted but really im heartbroken. I've always been this way. Through all the trials and tribulations. Since a very young child. On a very regular basis I can still reach "god" I'm still having nightmares. I feel like I need to address my ptsd more in therapy and feel very disrespected sometimes by my counciling agency. I also have routine existential revelations. Or what they would probably see as delusions. If you want to find something wrong with someone you always can. Im trying to heal some of my shadows. Its tough. Some of them seem like they'll never change. They can show me stuff I haven't heard since middle school and refuse to associate with. I've been thinking about going on vacation. It's like i can't ever stop 'working' I really try to calm down, try to take breaks, but my memories haunt me. I've been working on making a new friend for 8+ years with no real luck. Man, 2012. What a year. I still believe in a loving and unified world and future, although don't understand... if as a society if we'll ever get there. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. But that show was great wasn't it? How did that happen? That's right. Unity. Perseverance. Thats what we all need. That's how its always been.

[kari-izumi]

Reblogging because the replies in comments from non black fans are fucking stupid as hell and this really deserves discussion. As a black woman, I agree all "cancelling" does in instances like this is shut conversation down and reinforces the idea that they shouldn't even try. Granted, I don't think this is true of Stevenson as she's made genuine efforts to hear her fanbase and not take undue credit for rep she didn't make explicit in the show (ie, Catra's nationality as one example) so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. As far as racial stereotypes go, this wouldn't have even registered for me if not for the "working the field" line.

And lemme just point out the big honking elephant in the room: a good number of the non-black fans pitching fits came to THIS show specifically because of a certain other DreamWorks property that didn't live up to their high expectations about a ship they were never making canon, disastrous last season or not do their homework on sensitivity. And one of those creators also gave an "apology" that rightfully got shreaded to pieces. I mean, compare NS's " I take full responsibility" to this rank ass bullshit dedicating two whole ass paragraphs about why they went that route of killing a gay man when all anyone wanted was a reason why they over hyped that nonsense in the first place.

And even now, it's taken nearly a year and a half for this SAME producer to clue in a smidgen on why killing off a black princess was not good. And still no apology for that, a decision that had far more direct impact on children fans than this admittedly ill-advised joke that came at the absolute worst time.

I won't lie, I have well meaning white friends off of Tumblr who stumble to understand shit, too. I had to tell as a trans white woman from the south for days after she defended Biden's gaff about "real black folks will vote for me". She said she calls out her conservative trans friends (what few she still has as to her credit, she purged nearly all her contacts from the state of Mississippi alone) as traitors. I had to say, point black, that she is trans and that is entirely her place to drag them for that. I'm cis. No matter how repugnant I find their views, I don't get to call them a traitor to the queer community. Ever. Said friend finally got it. If I had just unfollowed and blocked, nothing would have been learned.

And no, not everyone deserves that energy. But this is a friend I remember being a Bible Thumping pastor 15 years ago. It took years to work through bad conservative ideals even after she transitioned. She's done 80 percent of the legwork, far more than most white progressives I grew up around in California FFS. So why would I toss all that out over one bad take?

This is all a lotta words to say we need to choose our fights a bit better. Noelle is not perfect, but I've seen honest effort from her to make people feel seen. And unlike other DW creators who leaned in on their fanbase's admittedly rabid, batshit behavior as an excuse to dismiss some very valid criticism, I sincerely hope she'll learn from this. I'd rather she'd use her voice to fight for creators of color and give them space moving forward, but telling non-black fans that she doesn't want to be defended is a promising start.

And if she becomes the animation equivalent to Ryan Murphy after this, then...welp. Fool me once and all that. In 2020, there's a lot of other issues that deserve my wrath way more than this.

Okay, y’all I have a geniune question.

Where do we go from here? 

Like put whether or not we as individuals decide to forgive Noelle aside. 

In this situation where do we go? In a situation where someone has made a mistake and has genuinely apologized. Whether or not you accept the apology or not, you have to admit. They apologized “correctly”. They admitted fault, did not center themselves and told non-black fans not to defend them. 

So where do we go? Is there no room for growth? Is everyone just now waiting to be cancelled because they didn’t fully think about the implications of the words that they are saying? Because y’all, I don’t know if I like that trajectory. Like we are all humans, we make mistakes. So what happens when we make them? Is there no road to redemption? 

This is not me saying that you have to forgive Noelle. This is not me saying that you can not have been hurt by their words. I know that we are in a very very scary time and that we have been in a never ending cycle of trauma since June (before June if I’m being honest, but you know what I mean.) but i don’t know if this trajectory is sustainable. 

I don’t have an answer for these questions as I am not a monolith of the black community, but I think it’s a conversation we need to have. 

[floatingpetals]

Peace and Quiet?

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Angst-ish, language, the reader makes a poor decision, fluff as well  

Word Count: 5900+ 

Request: “I seriously love your longer one shots! Could you please do a Cap (or Bucky) + reader, where the reader is kinda loud/outgoing because of not wanting to be forgotten or something? And the reader figures they make him uncomfortable and shuts everyone out, leading to him confessing he likes the reader? Fluff please?” @homeybadger

A/N:  Wow so uhh, this has been a request that’s been sitting in my inbox for sooooo looonnng. No seriously, like super long. I feel so bad that it’s taken me just now to get to it. I wanted to do something nice with it, but I just couldn’t get it right, then I forgot it was there and then I remember and scrapped the whole thing. I hope you enjoy this story and I hope the length makes up for it! I did not mean to take so long on this! I hope you all enjoy!! 

**I’m also debating on doing a second part, but it all depends on the feedback I get. So please let me know what you think! ❤

Gifs not mine, credit to the creator!

“Oh, bad luck. You landed on Boardwalk,” Sam smirked, a giggle beginning to bubble in his chest as the rage that was settling on Y/N’s face across the table. She glared at the double dice, a freaking snake eye, that had been against her the entire game. “And if my math is correct, with my three houses you owe me $1400. And from the looks of your very sad pile, you’ll have to sell everything on top of declaring bankruptcy.”

“I hate this game!” Y/N screamed, throwing down the $300 hundred she had left.

“Hey, don’t hate the game!” Natasha shot back, grinning behind her beer bottle. Y/N shot her glare.

“Oh, shut up! You and Clint have been cheating the entire time and you know it!” she growled. Clint gasped but was cut off by a sharp jab in the ribs by Bucky. He grumbled and pulled out the chance cards he had stashed away, and nudge Natasha to pull out the money she had hidden away. “See! This game sucks!”

“Now, now. No need to go all green on us.” Tony grinned. Bruce made a noise before letting out a puff of air. Irritated with both the game and how smug everyone was acting, Y/N exploded with a primal battle cry.

“Fuck this game! You people are all cheaters!”

Everyone had enough time to grab their drinks off before Y/N flipped the table, the pieces flying everywhere. Bucky and Wanda both doubled over in their seats, howling when Y/N began to scream at Tony, who jumped up and was yelling back at the same volume. Clint and Natasha were grinning like idiots as the mayhem grew. Bruce rolled his eyes when Sam jumped in, normally the tone the room shifted would set him on edge, but this wasn’t unusual. The only person that wasn’t reacting, save for Vision who had no idea why tensions were so high over a silly game, was Steve.

He had decided to sit this game night out. After the Mario Party debacle, he wasn’t ready to jump back in the ring. Thor spun a wheel and tossed a dart to cut someone’s stars in half. He landed on Y/N’s. While she was once in the lead, that cut her stars in half and she was suddenly in last place. That was fine. It was when she was hit by Bowser, who Tony was playing as when they managed to let him loose of his little prison that she flipped her lid. The team got a kick out of her raging at the games, and all banded together to see how quickly she could snap. Steve, however, didn’t see the charm in it.

To put it lightly, Y/N was a lot to handle. She was everywhere all at once to begin with, her voice carrying through walls. There wasn’t a single mean bone in her body, aside from her intense competitive streak. She seemed to win over anybody. Steve still wasn’t sure. He’d admit, she was sweet and everyone else seemed to love her. Steve thought she was cute too, sometimes she would fall asleep on the couch and he’d find himself taking advantage of her stillness to stare. But she never stopped to breathe once it seemed. He couldn’t recall a time where she wasn’t talking loudly about something or practically bouncing off the walls from excitement. She was a lot more than he was used to. Y/N made his head spin. It wasn’t terrible, but it was a bit exhausting after a while around her. It also didn’t help that sometimes her power manifested with her growing emotions. Which is what was happening right now.

“You’re the one who wanted us to play this stupid game!” Tony accused, rolling his eyes.

“Did not! I specifically said that I thought it was a stupid idea because I always end up flipping a table! You’re the one who then said we had to play it since learning that bit of information.” She countered pointing a finger at him. Tony stopped, a sly grin spreading across his face.

“Oh yeah.”

“Ugh!” She grumbled. “You people are so frustrating! Why do you do this to me?!”

“Because it’s fun.” Tony grinned, his eyes flashing with glee. That was the wrong thing to say. Now Y/N really was angry. She grits her teeth and balled her fists at her side. If this was a cartoon, she’d have steam coming out of her ears she was so angry. Unbeknownst to her, her powers started to manifest with her mounting fury, afflicting the others in the room.

Y/N’s power was special and even a bit strange considering how specific it was. Since she could remember, Y/N always had the gift to control the aura around her to suppressed others authority and leadership skills. It was a power that had come handy in her life, but also hindered her more than it helped. She had a rather strong grip on it at all times, but sometimes that control slipped. Tony’s face paled, and everyone else around her started to shift uncomfortably.

“Uh-Y/N.” Wanda reached out, her fingers gently brushing against the back of Y/N’s arm. Wanda flinched, the contact enough to send her the full force of Y/N’s strange power, but she fought to stay strong. Y/N blinked, quickly realizing the shift in the room was because of her. Her shoulder’s dropped and the suffocating aura surrounding her disappeared. The room sighed collectively in relief.

“See. This is why you shouldn’t poke the bear.” Y/N huffed, crossing her arms against her chest. Tony chuckled and shook his head.

“It’s nice to know you’re aware.” Sam let out a laugh as well, grinning widely at her. She grumbled under her breath and turned to sit back in her seat. As she did, she scanned the room and noticed a spot empty. Standing straighter she glanced around the room.

“Hey, where did Steve go?”

The group collectively turned around, just now noticing the empty seat their Captain once took up as well. Bucky frowned and shot a look to Natasha, who seemed on the same page. Slowly, he turned to back to Y/N.

“Uh... Maybe he decided to turn in early.” He tried. The team seemed to take it, albeit skeptically. He had been doing this a lot lately, getting up at disappearing without a word. No one wanted to say it aloud, but they all noticed it happened around the time Y/N came to the team four months ago.

Y/N stilled, her eyes hardening for a split second before they seemed to glaze over. Shaking her head, she heaved a sigh.

“I’m gonna turn in early too. Sorry, this little outburst just took a lot out of me.” She said, stepping over the discarded pieces and was out of the room before anyone could argue. The room had shifted into a subdued atmosphere, everyone thinking the same thing.

“Someone needs to talk to him.” Wanda murmured. Bucky nodded, letting out a sigh.

“I’ll talk to him.” He said. The rest all murmured in agreement, slowly trickling out the room since game night clearly was done for the evening. They could only hope tomorrow would end on a better note.

~~~~~~~

Y/N sat on her bed, clinging to her favorite stuffed animal wondering just where she went wrong. Since she joined the team a few short months ago, she had been trying her best to get close to the rest of her teammates. Naturally, she was a bubbly person. But her gift made it harder for her to get close to anyone. Her parents thought it was odd, the power came from nowhere when she hit the age of three. It took them time to figure out that it wasn’t because she was incredibly intimidating and that she was unintentionally suppressing their confidence level.

They spent years taking her to doctors and specialists that might be able to help her control her powers. It wasn’t without consequences. Because she struggled for so long to control her powers, she spent a lot of her life unintentionally hurting those around her.

Her classmates didn’t know what exactly, but they knew something was wrong with her. She spent the majority of her school years alone in the corner, shunned from taking part of anything in her classes. If anyone tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, something always went wrong. They were terrified of her. The fear turned to indifference and eventually, they paid her no mind. No one wanted her in their lives. But for Y/N, she wanted nothing more than to be accepted and included.

Which might explain why she was the way she was today. It took years to master her control, but she did it. And now that she was an Avenger, she was surrounded by people who were like her. Special and unique. Nowhere else could she be herself as she could here. This was her last chance of being free and she never wanted to be forgotten.

It didn’t take her long to win over the others. They were more than aware of what she could do. Not a one batted an eyelash, no one shrank away in fear they’d be subjected to the smothering fear she could plague them with. If anything, it fascinated them. She was the one who they’d send in to interrogate. Whether on location or in a holding cell, it didn’t matter. Her power was a gift to get the tightest of lips to talk. For the first time in her life, Y/N felt as though she had finally found her calling.  

Y/N was proud of how far she had come. It was years of uphill battles and year left in the shadows. But now, she had it all, friends, her family and a job she loved. All except the acceptance of Steve. He was polite, but he always had an air of discomfort around her. Not with anyone else, just her. Y/N hated to admit it, but it hurt.

Since the day she met him, Y/N fell hard. Who couldn’t though? He was charming, cared for his friends and protective of his family. But for some reason, he just didn’t seem like he enjoyed being around her. Perhaps, she thought, it was something she said to him. She couldn’t recall anything that might set his teeth on edge, but she was at a loss.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Y/N set her stuffed animal down on the bed and swung her legs over the side. She knew she shouldn’t dwell too much on it. He could very well be in a bad mood, and it could confidently only be when she’s in the same room. She snorted. Yeah, that was it.

No, she thought, there was something more about it. Thinking back all the times she noticed he’d got running, realization hit her like a freight train. Every time he ran, it was because of something she did. It was her. A broken sob crept it’s way up her throat. She was the reason, that was the only thing it could be. Steve Rogers, the man who unknowingly held her heart in his hands, was uncomfortable with her. She clenched the sheets of the bed and held back her tears.

Y/N had to change. Her behavior had always been a problem, she knew that. She was so terrified of being left alone and forgotten again, she let her eagerness go too far. Falling back on the bed, she stared at the ceiling and came to a life-altering decision.

~~~~~

“Hey! There you are!” Natasha grinned motioning Y/N over to her mat. “I was wondering if you’d ever show up or if I’d have to go up to pull you out of bed.”

Y/N didn’t respond with her usual quip, just sent her a tight-lipped smile and a soft apology. Natasha blinked her lack of typical response slightly off-putting. Where was her boisterous hello and never-ending pouts of energy? It was one of the fun things about working out with Y/N first thing in the morning. This wasn’t usual of her at all.

“Okay.” Natasha drawled, looking over Y/N to try and decipher her new attitude. “Well, let’s get started on stretching you at, then we’ll get on the mat to spar.”

Y/N wordlessly nodded, moving over to where the yoga mats were laid out waiting for her. Natasha took up the spot next to her, keeping her eyes especially close on Y/N. Aside from her uncharacteristically quiet demeanor, it didn’t seem like there was a hair out of place on her. Although, her movement seemed a bit on the robotic side. Y/N was just going through the motions, getting done with her stretches before wordlessly making her way over to the mats without a glance to Natasha.

Natasha sat up and watched Y/N leave without a word, flabbergasted. Things seemed fine last night, aside from Steve’s abrupt disappearance. As far as Natasha knew, Y/N had gone straight to her room to sleep. And everyone was either here in the gym or Tony and Bruce in the lap. So, what happened to Y/N?

“Hey, you okay?” Natasha asked, catching Y/N’s elbow.

“What do you mean?” Y/N tilted her head to the side, brows furrowed.

“I don’t know,” Natasha said slowly, her gaze narrowing the longer she stared at Y/N. “You just seem… off today.”

“Oh.” She uttered simply. “Yeah. I’m good.”

Pulling her arm away from Natasha, Y/N wandered over to where Sam was now standing with Bucky. Their smile grew at the sight of her, both unaware of Y/N’s new behavior.

“Good morning sunshine!” Sam beamed at her, wrapping her up in a hug. Y/N let out a faint giggle as she hugged him back. Bucky grinned and tilted his head in greeting.

“Morning doll. You sleep okay last night? I didn’t hear your snores through the paper-thin walls last night.”  He teased, nudging her with his shoulder. Y/N huffed but surprisingly bit her tongue.

“Morning Bucky. Yeah, I slept fine.” Y/N shrugged, her face showing little to no emotions. “We ready to get started.”

Both men were stunned, completely thrown off by her sudden change. They shot Natasha a startled look, who could only shrug. She hadn’t the faintest idea either what happened. Y/N wasn’t supplying them with anything either, so all they could do was continue as if nothing was wrong. It didn’t mean they weren’t going to question her later of course.

Getting done with their training was odd, uncomfortable even. Y/N didn’t speak unless spoken to, and even then they were short simple answers. There was none of her usual spunkiness that fought back with each quip Sam sent her way. He even tried to rile her up, he almost pulled out all the stops in a hope to gain a reaction from her. But she didn’t move an inch. Bucky tried to get her to react when he threw a punch harder than necessary her way. They thought they had her, there was a spark of fury in her eyes after she picked herself up, but she quickly wiped the expression on her face.

In the end, Y/N went through the motions, doing what needed to be done without her usual flare. At one point, Wanda had even commented on how unusually quiet she had been. When Y/N left to head to the locker room, she cornered Bucky and Sam.

“What did you two do?” she hissed, jabbing a finger in Sam’s chest. He made a noise in the back of his throat offended at the accusation.

“What the hell makes you think we did anything?” Bucky crossed his arms across his chest. Wanda turned her narrow gaze to Bucky.

“Well. Something happened to her. And I know Natasha wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.”

“Oh and we would?” Sam snapped, shaking his head. “We didn’t do anything to her Wanda, she was like this when she came in.”

“He’s right.” Natasha interrupted, siding with the two men. “She’s been like this all morning. I have no clue why.”

The door the locker room opened, Y/N walking freshly out of the shower and a new change of clothes. She stopped short when she saw all four eyes locked on her across the room. Awkwardly, she waved to them before heading to the exit. Right as she reached it, Steve swung open the door, towel in hand. His steps faltered and a tight-lipped smile passed on her face.

The group couldn’t see her face from where they stood. All they could see was her nod her head once before stepping around Steve with a wide berth to head out the exit. Steve was left stunned. It wasn’t normal to not have his ear talked off when it came to Y/N. Blinking rapidly, he wandered over to Bucky, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What she say?” Wanda asked. Steve’s mouth fell open to answer but couldn’t find the right words.

“Uh… Nothing.” He shrugged.

“And you don’t find that strange?” Wanda asked the group, pinning each of them with her stare. Bucky bristled at the insinuation, his hands balling into fists.

“We never said it wasn’t. We just have no idea what’s wrong with her.” He snapped, stepping up with his back straighter and shoulders set. Wanda glared right back, red seeping into her eyes. Natasha wiggled her way between them, grumbling under her breath.

“Alright. Alright, enough.” She held her hands out to both, pushing them back. “Wanda, we have no clue what happened. Y/N walked in like this. It’s probably nothing and she’s just having an off day. Why don’t we just let whatever happened run its course and see how she is through the rest of the day. No point on biting each other’s heads off when we all did nothing wrong.”

The group grumbled their agreement, still not at ease with how the morning had turned. Steve was just as concerned as the rest. It was odd that she didn’t greet him with her megawatt smile when he walked in the gym, and it was odd how her face seemed to tighten at the sight of him. All he got this morning was a tight-lipped smiled before she ran out the door. What was even odder was the fact that she seemed to give him as much space as possible. As if she didn’t want to get too close.

Steve turned to the door, his brows creased and mouth in a tight line. Something was going on with Y/N, but who was he to worry about her?

~~~~~~~~

Things hadn’t gotten much better with Y/N over the next few days. She had stopped taking part in the loud discussions that always managed to start up in the kitchen or the living room. Her words were short and few in between, but she didn’t seem upset. Just much more subdued than usual. When someone would speak to her, so would she. But it was never the same volume as before.

Sam and Clint both made it their mission to get her to snap. They did everything from switching her sugar to salt in her coffee to going into her room and putting baby powder in her hair dryer. Nothing worked. She would just sigh and turn her back to them, shoulders tense. They thought she’d give up and go back to her old ways, but nothing worked. Not even Natasha could get her to admit what was wrong.

Steve, however, was taking her attitude change harder than the rest. Don’t ask him why he didn’t even know. He thought he’d prefer her at a lower decibel, he assumed she would be more manageable and easier to get along with. But this, this wasn’t what he thought it would be like. To him, it almost seemed creepy. This wasn’t the Y/N he had come to know. The wasn’t the same woman in the slightest. It was as if someone else swapped personalities with her.

Y/N hadn’t shown any improvement in her attitude in the field either. Actually, she seemed to be less productive now. One of the ways she managed to get people to confess was using her power and then releasing it. There she’d act like a good cop, bargaining with them for information and if they didn’t give her what she wanted, she’d switch her powers back on again. Now, she just threw herself into it. There was no build up, no false sense of security.

Just last week they needed information about the next hit Hydra ordered. They apprehended one of the agents and sent in Y/N to get out the information when he wouldn’t fess up. The team assumed the old Y/N would come out now that she was in the field. Instead, she walked in and used the full force of her powers on the man. She was already so powerful, but she had a strong grip on her control. When her power flared to life, even with the thick walls it suffocated everyone.

The agent instantly started sobbing, blubbering like a small child before it grew to mindless screaming for mercy. As it turns out, her power can actually break the human spirit and shatter their sanity into a thousand pieces. It only affected the man in front of her, but it still rattled the rest of the group. Steve was furious.

“What the hell was that?!” He snarled, dragging Y/N into a conference room. She blinked, her face unmoving despite the rage rolling off him in waves. Tony, Fury, and Maria both sat around the meeting table, their mouths pulled into thin lines. She tore her gaze away, refusing to look at anyone in particular as Steve raged on. “You ruined any chances of getting information out of him!”

“Actually Cap, she ruined any chance of him being a normal human being again,” Tony interjected, pulling up a hologram of the doctor's report. The mental status report had been sent in a few moments before Steve dragged her in. The poor man couldn’t remember his name let alone the information they needed.

Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers and let out a heavy breath. When she opened them, their faces hadn’t changed a bit. Settling on a point at the table, the brief glimpse she caught of their expressions was burned in her mind. Steve was livid, Tony seemed borderline irritated with a hint of amusement, while Fury and Maria both had a hard expression that told her she was in for it for the next few weeks.

“Look. I’m sorry. I let a few personal matters get to me and clearly, I didn’t handle it well.” She said calmly. Steve flinched at how lifeless she sounded when she mentioned her personal matter and shot Tony a concerned look. Tony tilted his head in acknowledgment, he too aware of the pain she seemed to be suppressing. “I can’t promise it won’t happen again by accident, but I’ll make sure to put more training in to ensure it doesn’t.”

Fury shifted in his seat, folding his hands on his crossed knee. His single eye narrowed as he looked her over and gave her a curt nod.

“See that it doesn’t agent. Dismissed.” He said curtly. Y/N’s eyes fluttered shut for a spilt-second before she jerked her chin and spun at heel to leave the room. After the door shut behind her, Fury grunted.

“What did you people do to her?” He accused, leveling Steve and Tony with a stare. Both men frowned and glanced at the other.

“We didn’t do anything.” Tony snapped, narrowing his eyes. Steve set his hand on the back of a chair and sighed.

“She’s been like this for almost a week now. This is the first time she’s actually admitted something wrong.” Steve replied, his brows furrowing at the tightness in his chest at the idea. It wasn’t like Y/N to keep everything bottle up inside her like this.

“Well, whatever’s wrong with her, fix it,” Fury ordered. “She needs to be in complete control and that can’t happen when her minds on other things.”

Pushing back the chair he stood, Maria right behind him. Not waiting for a reply, he grabbed the folder off the desk and briskly left the room with Maria following. Steve flinched when the door snapped shut behind them. Tony scoffed.

“You can get rid of that sad puppy dog look, Captain.”

Steve frowned, his head snapping up to Tony.

“What’s with the tone, Tony?” He asked. Tony rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.

“We all know you don’t like Y/N, you put up a good front though.” He waved a hand absently. “But when you dart out of a room anytime she comes in, or you won’t sit to talk with her when she comes to find you, it gets pretty noticeable.”

Steve stood taller, his mouth drawing into a tight line. He opened his mouth to argue, but it dawned on him. He hadn’t been the most welcoming person to Y/N in the few months she’s been here. Was that really how everyone perceives him? Tony smirked and shook his head.

“To put it simply; you’ve been an ass to our Y/N, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something you did.” Groaning softly under his breath, Tony stood and grabbed his tablet. Steve’s face fell, the notion her change might have been because of him made his stomach turn. Tony clapped a hand on his shoulder, his mouth pulled into a tight line. “Like Fury said, we’re going to fix this. But don’t worry. We won’t waste your precious time.”

At that, Tony left Steve alone in the conference room, the sting of his words lingering behind. Steve’s shoulder slumped. Maybe this had been his fault. But when? How? He really didn’t think it would have been that big of a deal to leave early after the game. Maybe he thought wrong and she did take it wrong. That wouldn’t mean this complete 180 though, would it? It wasn’t the first time he escaped a game night gone wrong, and she didn’t seem upset them. Perhaps it was something else. That had to be it. He really hadn’t done anything wrong, at least he didn’t think he did.

“Hey FRIDAY,” Steve called. Immediately, the AI system responded.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Go back to the last game night, the one with monopoly, did anything happen to Y/N between the time I left, and she went to bed?” He asked. Silence met him as the computer searched the data.

“No, it doesn’t seem like anything happened. She never left her room once she entered either.” FRIDAY replied. Steve frowned, even more, confused than before. So if there wasn’t anything that happened to her then what was with change?

Clenching his jaw, Steve knew he needed to get to the bottom of this. Not just as a Captain to his team, but as a way to make up for being such a shitty housemate. And maybe even as a way to start an actual friendship with him. Now that he’s seen this side of her, he realized how judgment and close-minded he was. He needed to find her and talk with her.

~~~~

Y/N had just stripped out of her suit and into her PJs when there was a hesitant knock on the door. She frowned. She wasn’t expecting anyone tonight, especially not after she just got her ass handed to her. Reluctantly she went to open the door and was surprised at the person on the other side.

Steve stood there awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. She blinked and took a step back.

“Uh… hi?” she greeted cautiously.  Steve smiled hesitantly and shifted from foot to foot.

“Hey. Can we talk?”

“W-Why?” She clutched on the handle and shifted behind the door in an attempt to hide behind it. Steve noticed and his smile fell. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I know I’m the last person you want to talk to. I’ve not been the most welcoming and I want to apologize. Can I please come in?” He asked earnestly. Y/N was caught off guard at his sincerity. Nodding numbly, she pulled the door open and let him in her room.

Steve glanced around the room, noticing the number of pictures she had hanging up on her wall, pretty fairy lights cascading down the walls illuminating each photo. Her comforter was a light lilac with stuffed animals on the bed. He eyed the little knickknacks matched the rest of her décor on her desks and shelves adding to the warmth and homey feel her room had. Realization hit him that he really hadn’t taken the time to get the real her.

“Go ahead and have a seat.” Y/N waved to the bed before sitting on the other end. Steve sank into the plush mattress, taking a moment to look over Y/N. She refused to make eye contact, to busy wringing her fingers together to notice him staring. Once again, he was struck by how beautiful she was, and how poorly he handled everything.

“Look Y/N, I don’t know what happened the past few days and why you’re acting different, but somethings changed. We all can see it.” He said. Y/N opened her mouth to argue but thought better of it. Steve continued on. “I don’t know what happened, but it hurts all of us to see you like this. It’s like you’ve lost a huge part of yourself and we’re seeing this empty shell. I mean, Sam and Clint both are losing their minds because what ordinarily would work on getting you riled up is doing nothing. And Bucky’s beside himself, Natasha and Wanda are worried sick, and Tony is pissed because-.” Steve stopped short, his face twisting into a pained expression. “He thinks I’m the reason.”

Y/N tensed, her breath catching in her throat. It was minuscule, but Steve caught it. He sat taller and his stomach sank.

“It is because of me.” He whispered sadly. He tore his eyes away from her to stare blankly at his hands. Y/N closed her eyes but didn’t deny it. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve not been accepting. I didn’t mean to hurt you though.”

Y/N nodded slowly, biting her lower lip as he kept talking.

“Truth is, you intimidate the hell out of me. I’ve never met someone who was so sure of themselves and so incredibly proud about it. You held nothing back and you’re so willing to put your heart on your sleeve, I kind of envy you a little. People loved you right of the bat and your just so sweet inside and out. I mean, you didn’t let anyone tell you to chill out before. Which leaves me to ask, why now? Why did I affect you so much that you changed everything about you?”

That caused Y/N’s face to heat up. No way was she going to admit it aloud! It was already embarrassing enough Steve knew he was a reason why she changed, but for him to know what the full reason was mortified her.

“Y/N.” He gently took her hand in his, the corners of his lips turned up. “You don’t have to tell me. I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I don’t hate you. I never did. Matter of fact, I really like you. More than I thought. It didn’t hit me how much I’d come to admire and appreciate your take on life until now. I miss hearing you bicker with Tony about the best brew coffee first thing in the morning or when you and Bucky gang up on Sam. I know Natasha and Wanda miss having their best friend. And game nights will never be the same without you threatening and then following through with flipping a table.”

Y/N giggled and ducked her chin. His grin grew, finally seeing a glimmer of her former self.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me for how I’ve behaved. I can only ask you’ll give me a chance to make up for being such a shitty person.” He grinned.

“Language, Captain.” Y/N teased.

“Is that ever going to die?” Steve groaned and rolled his eyes. “Wait you weren’t even there!”

“I know but hate to break it to you, it’s here for the long haul.” Y/N giggled and shook her head. Steve’s laughter joined hers, his smile stretching from ear to ear. He titled his head to the side after a beat before letting out a sigh.

“So, are you going to be okay?” He asked hopefully. Y/N let out a deep breath, for the first time all week feeling lighter. She was so drained from keeping her emotions in check, it took every ounce of her strength not to react to the attempts at making her snap. She knew it was ridiculous trying to change, but she really thought it was for the better. Turns out, it not only damaged her but everyone she loved.

“Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.” She spoke confidently. Steve patted her thigh and quickly stood.

“Good, because Tony discovered some new game called The Jackbox Party Pack or something along those lines.” He extended a hand and waited for her to take it.

“Wait, right now?” She asked surprised. He nodded and took her hand.

“Yup. Come on. Team bonding time.”

Y/N laughed, letting him pull her up and drag her out of the room. He looked at her over his shoulder, his breath catching in her throat at the way her face lit up from her grin. Turning back quickly, he hoped she didn’t notice the way his ears turned pink. He was an idiot for not taking the time to get to know her. He wasn’t going to ruin his chance with her a second time. Maybe it wasn’t going to easy, but for Y/N he knew it would be worth it.

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[luminisvii]

okay im gonna go black out and write some bullshit about my Thoughts on Literary Analysis and Character Writing bc i love writing and i love trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. i am an unfortunate fan of fire emblem, so the real joke is on me, but let’s do this anyway. using a lot of bold as always! it makes me feel special.

Why is Leonie such a divisive character? 

as per usual, here is my disclaimer that it’s okay to like Leonie. it’s also okay to dislike her, as long as you’re not being a massive dick about it. lord knows people are rude to me about lorenz and i didn’t ask for their opinions. if you like leonie, i am not out to get you, i’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t, i’m not even mad at you. Neat! you like a character i don’t! and that’s just fine. i honestly don’t care! go have fun! 

so let’s talk. theres a TL;DR at the end so be ready.

i’ll make no bones about it: i’m in the camp that dislikes her. i don’t have the energy to hate her as i do for faye, but leonie is pretty obnoxious as a character and it’s an uphill battle to like her. i’ve played VW like three times since i’m a self professed GD stan so i’ve dealt with her a lot, read most of her supports, and seen her as a character in actual cutscenes and stuff.

the short answer: making a character obsessed with another one and having that be most of their personality is really annoying. 

the long answer: let’s start on that now! these are my personal thoughts and analysis, so you’re free to disagree with me if you think i’m falling short.

one statement i will make right away is that i’m not offended by leonie being mean to the player. a lot of people who stan leonie like to argue that people dislike her because she’s one of the few characters who doesn’t kiss byleth’s ass immediately. that’s fine. that doesn’t bother me. after all, seteth and hapi are mean to byleth at first too, and those two are far more beloved… in fact, it’s funny that they’re mean to byleth. i would also argue that my favorite lord claude is not buddy buddy with byleth at first either, but if these popular opinion threads have proven anything to me, people love taking claude’s lying ass at face value. that’s besides the point—it’s okay that leonie isn’t immediately friendly to byleth. that is not an objective character flaw. characters need something to conflict over in the narrative, and not being instantly friendly to a player insert is not a problem in the slightest.

the major flaw in leonie’s character, imo, is that the writers decided it was a brilliant idea to make her obsessed with a man who barely seems to acknowledge her. this is an extremely unfortunate reoccurring character trope in fire emblem. notable other victims that more modern fe fans may recognize are faye and cordelia, faye being the worst offender. luckily, leonie isn’t as bad as faye. but it really is irritating that leonie, along with these other women, seem entirely driven by men who cannot acknowledge them. within three houses, you have similar traits in male characters as well: cyril is another notable offender, and to a lesser extent, dedue’s fixation on dimitri. now, we do see jeralt talking to leonie at the very least, and he does speak about her at least once in my memory, and positively at that. so it’s not as pathetic as the likes of faye. 

outside of that, leonie cannot stop fucking reminding everyone she comes across: she loves captain jeralt. she’s his only apprentice. and you, dear player, who is his child, are not good enough, because you don’t love him as much as she does. practically all her convos with byleth are about how they don’t love jeralt enough, save for a slight turn around in the A support where she talks about her promise to protect byleth in jeralt’s place. to be honest, i usually ditch her in any run i’m forced to take her (hello sylvain, the superior idiot redhead cavalier) so this promise is just cute.

the arrogance in this attitude is insensitive at best, and as seen in her B support with byleth, potentially malicious and self centered at worst. 

let’s not beat around the bush. the main point of contention for leonie is her B support with byleth, which is locked to jeralt’s death. you cannot get this support until jeralt has kicked it. and if you’re on GD, chances are you have gotten enough support points with leonie to get it immediately upon his death. the man’s grave is still fresh. what does she have the gall to say to her beloved mentor’s child?

“I've spent my whole life working to become a great mercenary like your father. There were so many times when I wanted to ask his advice, but I couldn't. I just had to make do. That's how I've made it this far. Just hard work, all on my own. But then you come along... And it's like you don't appreciate Captain Jeralt at all, or how lucky you were to have him around your whole life! Ugh! It still really bothers me! You might be his kid, but I'm still his best apprentice! Got it?!”

YIKES.

no matter how you dice it, saying that to someone whos father just died? NOT GOOD. it doesn’t matter what her reasoning is. a lot of people argue that this is realistic, that she’s acting out of grief. maybe so. however, if the game wants me to like her, they’re failing, no matter how realistic her reaction is. if this was supposed to be seen as a moment of weakness, that would be one thing, but it’s clear leonie never learns anything from this. she never gets better. she spends the rest of her life constantly centered on jeralt, and sees byleth as a competitor and obstacle to his affections, even after he’s dead. 

i don’t want to entirely make this about byleth, because let’s be real, byleth is only one of her many supports. but it is the most easily noticeable, and the least charitable to her character. 

also fun fact i did a basic search for jeralt in her supports and thats 37 times hes mentioned lmao this isn’t even accounting for her non support dialogue! which is still a lot! 

so a decent chunk of her supports still involve her talking about how great jeralt is as if the man is jesus. her better supports don’t involve him at all. i don’t have easy access to a lot of her dialogue by chapter, but quite a bit of her regular dialogue references jeralt too, be it by name or title, and a good chunk of her endings, especially her solo one, have her just taking up his title and job and drinking habits. it’s supposed to be seen as cute.

this woman is in her 20s at the beginning of the game. she’s my age. this kind of behavior is worrying. 

so you’re thinking “tell, you’ve spent a LOT of time talking about how leonie won’t shut the fuck up about jeralt. what about the rest of her character? unlike faye, she actually has one!” right you are! i will concede that. leonie does have things going on for her outside of her constant screeching about jeralt! what are they?

we see that her personality has her as a hard worker and frugal person because she’s grown up in a life that has less than many of her peers. she’s rational and rather keen, capable of assessing her opponents correctly and outsmarting them. she likes to help others. her supports with claude are fairly interesting as they talk about their own perspectives on the world to each other in a friendly manner. she talks to bernadetta and praises her skill in craft and manages to befriend her. in fact, all her supports where she doesn’t mention jeralt at all are pretty good. she can be headstrong and sometimes quick to jump to conclusions, but leonie isn’t one to be too beholden to preset ideas and shows a capability to learn and change.

wait, this sounds like a pretty well rounded and likeable character i’m describing! what happened here? this kind of portrayal is almost contradictory to the side of her that only thinks of jeralt. 

a lot of people who like leonie like her for these aspects. at first, i had thought her to be interesting, since she’s the poorest student in the entire school, here on money raised by her entire village, which must have been extremely difficult for them to do. she doesn’t understand how nobles can be so frivolous, and butts heads with the likes of hilda, who has been raised in luxury her whole life and she clashes even harder with lorenz, who is obsessed with nobility. in a way, leonie is the slap from reality that many of the rich students from garreg mach need. and she also serves an important function in the dynamic of the deer—she’s a bit of a hapless straight man to all their bullshit. they always need one of those! in the lions, that role falls to ingrid, while edelgard plays that to her own house. 

so yes, there is merit in leonie’s character. there’s a lot to like about her here. however, in my opinion, it’s not enough to make up for the incredibly abrasive aspects of her fixation on jeralt. it really just comes back to that—that someone decided that it would be a fantastic character trait to have her never stop thinking about a man, and flaunt this to the man’s child. constantly. almost all her dialogue directed at byleth is about jeralt. post skip, a lot more of her lines become about jeralt and making him proud. it’s like she thinks that he’s her dad. she’s a grown ass woman! leonie is one of the older students! she is an adult by the time the game starts! an adult with some actual worldly experience, unlike her peers! what went wrong? why is she like this? why did they make her so fucking annoying when it comes to jeralt?

so yes, that’s what i think is the major flaw of her character. a flaw that is not easily overcome. cyril is a largely derided character for similar reasons. another simple control+f tells me that rhea is mentioned in cyril’s supports 59 times so uh, woo! he has leonie beat there.

worst of all this is a flaw that narratively, she does not overcome. she never grows and gets better from it. she never changes her single minded determination to impress jeralt, even long after he’s dead. a good chunk of her endings have her taking up his business and acting just like him, taking his title too. somehow lorenz is the more likeable character, and lorenz starts off as a much worse person than her! he starts as a stinky incel classist and somehow, especially over the course of verdant wind, manages to learn and grow and change into a much better person, while leonie remains stagnant in who she is. her own peers outdo her in almost every aspect, in that they appear to be capable of growing up while leonie, already an adult, never seems to show any signs of maturing over the course of the game. we see ignatz turn from a meek nerd to someone who’s willing to do what it takes to protect what he cares about. marianne grows from suicidal and depressed to finding the will to live because it means she’ll be able to spend more time with things she enjoys and people she loves. lorenz goes from snobbish and distant over his complex about nobility to being one of the kindest members of the deer, willing to go against his father for the greater good. even hilda matures! hilda starts the game lazy and unambitious, trying to avoid work, saying she’d never risk her life for her friends, to fighting against some of the strongest forces in the continent and ESPECIALLY on CF we see her refusing to abandon claude in his time of need, no matter how bad it gets, even if it costs her life. what does leonie do? leonie seems to forever be stuck in the mindset that she has to impress jeralt, no matter how far she goes.

this is incredibly nitpicky, i’ll admit, this isn’t really part of the character analysis, but i find she under performs as a unit too. she may have ungodly speed and no weaknesses in her skills, but damage output wise she’s easily outdone in house by the other canon paladin of lorenz and his wonky statline, and out of house sylvain has basically the same ability as her, the same color hair, and a crest + relic that make him way more effective. the man has bulk, too. so, that’s a small ding to leonie as well. i had the same problem with sully in awakening. for all the talk about how these women are just as good as the men, they appear to under perform quite a bit.

and i’m gonna talk real quick in a basic list format of arguments i’ve seen for people defending leonie, since i’m running out of like, a coherent way to talk about some of this stuff.

-She’s realistic.

maybe so, but the game intends for me to find her as likeable and sympathetic, as it is for all recruitable characters. her reactions to byleth and sometimes others may be realistic, but don’t paint a charitable image of her. again, the moment in her B support with byleth is so bad, it makes her seem like she’s acting towards them with cruel intent. while i don’t care about byleth’s feelings since byleth isn’t a real person, what it does is it paints leonie as malicious, no matter what her intent was or how realistic it is. yes, she’s in grief, she’s lost someone important to her, but in what context is telling someone who just lost their dad that they didn’t love him enough supposed to garner anything but hatred? even if she apologizes for it in their A support, that means she basically took years to do so and still seems to think of byleth as an obstacle to her being like jeralt.

although as i have said before, the rest of her personality is fine. i find her non jeralt stuff is much more well written. she’s a down to earth person amidst a sea of lunatics. that’s not a problem.

-People don’t like her because she’s mean to Byleth. 

this is probably true in some regards although i can’t say for certain. because byleth is a player insert and some might take it personally, but otherwise i find this isn’t much of a good universal claim since there’s more to the disdain to that. personally, i think it’s hilarious when video game characters are mean to me, but that’s just My Opinion, so no, i’m really not offended by leonie being mean to me. other characters are also mean to byleth, and that leads into the next point...

-Other characters act similarly towards Byleth and they’re popular.

one, look at those stupid unpopular opinions threads on twitter. they’re not as loved as you think. two, a lot of the characters who are listed for these things are often the likes of seteth and felix, and let’s talk about the context of their actions there. seteth is indeed mean to byleth at first, but his intent is wildly different from leonie’s—he’s suspicious, and rightfully so, of this mercenary who came out of nowhere and rhea is suddenly showing a lot of interest in and is giving a position of power to. seteth is not acting out of malintent or jealousy, he’s acting out of concern for the students and his daughter as well as rhea. because his core intent is “protect everyone around me” it comes off as far more palatable and dare i say, endearing. this is vastly different than “i’m jealous towards byleth because i love their dad and hate that they’re getting attention i can’t.” with a character like felix, this is outright incorrect—felix is not necessarily more rude to byleth more than he would be anyone else. felix is angry with the faerghus four in particular, but everyone else gets the same level of vague disrespect from him otherwise, so his behavior is not centralized to byleth. again, i don’t care about byleth’s feelings. there is also cyril, who is similarly obsessed with rhea, and is just as irritating as leonie for it, if not worse because he gets an extra layer of being a poc character obsessed with a white one who saved him. 

tl;dr: context and intent matters. a lot. i know this is a ton to ask of the fe fandom to consider taking things beyond face value, but please consider the context of characters actions and their intent behind them.

-People who don’t like Leonie are misogynistic.

i won’t discount that there are bad actors who are likely extra critical of leonie because she’s a female character. it could be and has been argued that the reasons that characters like edelgard and ingrid are so controversial is because they are female. but not everyone who raises criticisms is strictly doing so in bad faith. most people i’ve seen criticizing leonie do it for the same reasons i am, which is that she’s an abrasive character. these traits would not be any better on a male character and in some regards could be worse. so for this one, it’s better to take it as a case by case situation, and pay attention to how people are talking. those doing so for less savory reasons often let it slip eventually, somehow. i’ve been avoiding using the word “bitch” in this entire thing for this exact reason.

-Her non-Byleth supports are good.

this is highly subjective imo and comes down to what you personally like in a character. i do like some of her non byleth supports, but she still has an unfortunate habit of bringing up jeralt in non byleth supports, so the only ones that are truly good are the ones where she doesn’t talk about him at all. even then, some like her one with marianne can do the same accidental portrayal of her seeming like a pretty unpleasant person. this isn’t saying that leonie can’t be flawed or short tempered, after all i adore felix and he’s got Some Fuckin Issues, but her portrayal as a kind and bright person clashes with how she’s portrayed surrounding byleth and jeralt. far too much. i like her supports with claude, i like her line with bernadetta, and her seteth one is good too, but i’d also argue that as a personality she doesn’t bring much to the table. she’s a perfectly serviceable character when she’s not dealing with byleth, but i personally fail to see more appeal to her. she isn’t particularly enrapturing like some of the others, and unlike someone like ingrid who has a similar role in BL, doesn’t have the shared history and integration with the deer that grants ingrid a unique perspective on her peers. although again, this is highly subjective, so it’s tough to argue about this. i’ll grant that yes, the writing that doesn’t surround jeralt is WAY better and almost makes leonie a redeemable character.

-Other characters are worse.

very true! i’ll cite faye again as the bottom line for “this is how abysmal this character could be” and in feth itself there is, as stated many times before, cyril. however it doesn’t mean that leonie is better by association. and i also often see people citing seteth as an example over the rudeness to the player too, but once again that’s about context and intent. hapi is a lesser example, due to a similar mistrusting nature, and there’s quite a bit of the cast who are cold and rude because that’s just who they are. now, thank fucking god that leonie actually talks about things that aren’t jeralt. like, seriously, i’d die. she still talks about him too much, but i really should go through all of faye’s dialogue to do a proper count. 

so now you’re probably thinking—if you even got this far—“gee tell, you sure do like running your fuckin mouth, eh? so what’s the point of all this?” let’s wrap it up. 

the TL;DR:

what this all boils down to is that leonie’s got a serious problem in her writing where her entire life revolves around a man, and the way it’s dealt with isn’t particularly great. she doesn’t have a dynamic character arc like some others that redeem them from their problems, and the personality she has outside of her relationship to jeralt and byleth often clashes with the one she has with them, particularly centering on byleth. when dealing with byleth, the image it paints of her is extremely negative, and not one easily shaken—again, the B support moment is just THAT BAD. that is the most cited moment for why people hate her. it just seems like for all the flaws she has, they are not compensated for or grown out of like other characters in the game do for theirs.

theres also that tweet about how we put more thought into these characters than intsys does, so. yeah. definitely doing that right now. thanks, intsys, you did it again.

i will also point to the argument that we should hold the writers accountable, not the fictional characters who aren’t real and don’t have feelings. i don’t think leonie needs to be held accountable for her bullshit. i just wish the writers could have treated her better.

this is personally why i find leonie so difficult, and hopefully if you didn’t understand why people don’t like leonie, this can help enlighten you. i’m willing to hear people out if they have something to say, and as always, if you are a leonie stan, please go enjoy yourself, have fun, and don’t let me ruin your parade. i just enjoy trying to figure things out and talking a lot along the way! so that’s all, here’s hoping that in the future they do better, and remember that GD is the best house okay bye take this picture of me typing up this whole ass thing

[starlightshore]

Aaa! I am sorry about that (this is anarchy anon!) I don't remembr exactly what I wrote in the first ask but my main problem with anarchy, though the idea seems to be the best ideal way for society to function is that it leaves a power vacuum, and that I am not sure how it would be be solved. There are always assholes in the world and thst can't be ignored and it won't be solved in an easy way. Everytime anarachy has occurdd it has usually made a way for another equal or worse government to (1)

/under read more since this is gonna be lengthy O: sorry mobile users!

(2/2) brought up. And ... also I am not sure people have the kindness to do things without some kind of programs. While many lives will be the same without an institution governmental programs will not be funded to help cities to help schools to help those who need the help in general. The system is craptastic now but... in an anarachy system I just can see it getting worse. It has bright sides but I can't see it working.////////////

oh defs fair points! all systems have flaws and need trial and error to fix unless its so broken from the ground up it needs to be replaced -and i do believe capitalism is that broken. we didn’t start out with empires or huge states of government, humanity lived under anarchism before these governments and we can live so again. the issue is that we haven’t had a large scale and successful anarchist country that hasn’t been squashed by the state. (tho, the history of anarchy is more of a blind spot of mine, i would recommend talking with other anarchists on this topic lmao)

again, so like. capitalism is new. Civilization did not always rule like it does now, capitalism and our current systems are built off Feudalism. we can all agree feudalism is bonkers and awful, yeah? why are we so faithful to a system built off it by people who owned slaves and were wealthy and powerful? why do we trust its for the benefit of the common people when the 1% of the 1% horde most of the wealth in the world and most people in the US if you accurately measured them would be in poverty or near poverty? half of the nation would be considered poor. (and near poverty is still very bad. you’re one bad medical bill or career issue away from poverty, that’s a problem)

(quote taken from the wikipedia, heres the source it mentions)

our planet is dying, we’re dying. the poor are poorer and we can not live like this anymore. we need change, and we have to quick or we will literally all die. we have to have a extreme solution or we will have an extreme end.

i’m not advocating for looting streets or murder by guillotine obvs, our society is too raised on capitalism and regression to think of revolution right now. (hell, most people have an incorrect definition of what anarcy is, how do i expect people to adopt it?) i know i will not live long enough to see a just anarchist world, even if i think we should strive to try, as mentioned, we don’t have a choice under capitalism as the planet is dying. i mean. most people think anarchy means “to live without reason or order” when it really means to dispose of police states and flawed governmental systems.

so yeah, i know theres challenges with getting anarchy to work, and while ideally think we need to act fast and make the changes happen now, i know this takes time and being progressive through socialism -from smaller to greater reform like free education, stopping corporations from monopolies and polluting, giving workers rights and better pay, giving more political power to the people ect. can be achieved through the current system but i honestly think thats just as fantastical as creating a completely new system that doesn’t rely on a military state.

the system was created by rich people for rich people. working within it is a uphill battle that could just as easily fall right back or get worse with each new election. the elections themselves are designed by the ground up to keep power to those in power, we need imminent change.

no police, no armies, no private prisons, no inequality. i can’t expect this to be done or solved easily or quickly, but it is still something i can strive for and wish for.

also like... having police and our armies aren’t effective. its just control over the people and colonialism. the war on drugs was not effective, it worsened conditions of those who are addicts and has let generations of people unjustly criminalized and imprisoned. (and, shocker, its racist. its mainly targeted towards marginalized people, specifically black the most.) addiction is a mental health issue, it shouldn’t be treated as a serious offense for decades in prison.

in addition, police are largely left unchecked with power and the whole police system is rigged to keep abusive and exploitative people with jobs and guns. 

so yeah power vacuums would be difficult, and we do need universal laws to protect people, but if we’re all working together to govern ourselves and create a society that helps the poor, those in any need, the world will be better. under capitalism, this can never be fully achieved.

[ofindcmitability]

the umbrella academy au ( landon )

              + @frcmashes @geminislegacy @chosenlonely @enflamedxtouch 

       on the 12th hour of the first day of october 1989, 43 women around the world gave birth. this was unusual only in the fact that none of these women had been pregnant when the day first began.

         will always thought of himself a proper freak. actually to be more proper, a second-generation freak. his father being the first and one of those children born on that date.

         funny thing about jack. he started up the evil league of villains. not their actual name, no, but might as well been. there was klaus mikaelson, kai parker, katherine pierce, (so many freakin k’s) and of course, malivore. all of them provoked some kind of terror, they were all mass murderers and all that. but malivore was by far the most mysterious, no one even knew his true name. funny enough, they all had kids too. sort of, at least. there was klaus mikaelson’s daughter, ironically named HOPE. kai had his two nieces, twins ran in his mother’s family and he and his sister jo had melted in childbirth. legit, MELTED. while she had an affinity for ice, her twins were somehow born with her brother’s flames. they melted her. katherine pierce had a daughter named nadia but will had only met her a handful of times, she was a bit older then the rest of them, and onto much different things then listening to her mother (her mother, will would note, who looked younger then her). then there was landon kirby. the newest edition to their supervillain parent club.

          hope knew him a bit, she told him as much. said landon could be TRUSTED. the thing was though, will struggled with the whole trust thing. he trusted the twins and hope with his life, and with the plan to FLEE. a plan they had been building towards since 3 years ago when they realized they couldn’t escape their parents otherwise. if landon allowed it to slip that they’d been planning a runaway there would be hell to pay. hell for will, that is.

          klaus mikaelson had a kill count larger then some towns populations, but he would never allow harm to come towards his daughter. kai would come after the twins with an axe if the mood striked, but that was because he was a psychopath, it was without actual malicious. then there was jack, who had malicious in every mood he made. they didn’t know though, not the extent of it. will couldn’t allow them to know, to try and help. he couldn’t let them risk themselves for him. he’d rather run away and never turn back.

          what he didn’t need though was some loser ruining this plan.

          “he needs us!” hope insisted to him, and well fuck him when hope mikaelson set her mind to something how was he supposed to say FUCK NO and expect not to be punched for such efforts?

           “i don’t even know the kid, and you don’t know either.” will pointed out (and he was fairly sure this was the third time they had this discussion). “how could we trust him? he’s an unknown entity.”

           “to start with on the many reasons you need to hear me out, he’s not a kid. he’s my age.” a single year older, woopty doo (though, somehow, hope having that extra year and experience made her their impromptu leader, among other reasons.) “he’s been through hell and i... i actually knew him a long time ago.” he’s been through hell and she didn’t rescue him. those were the words will read in what she spoke. hope mikaelson and her damn hero complex. “we could trust him, he could-”

             “okay.” there was no getting in her way, will could see it. it was a uphill battle and he would LOOSE.

             plus there was something nice about seeing that satisfied smile upon the shorter girl’s face.

               “so you must be will then?” ugh, he hated socializing. though will reminded himself, he’d be practically living with landon if all went according to plan. better start getting used to him.

                “yeah, thats me.” he nodded, and then landon offered his hand was that something people did? ( yeah, he didn’t have much experience with people beyond the trio of girls and super villains. )

               “you’re supposed to shake it.” landon prompted, though he seemed almost unsure of saying so himself. will stared for a moment, hesitant. then, he reached, and he gave it a light shake.

               landon chuckled. it was a bit awkward, yes, but it was... wasn’t horrible.

                then, he heard lizzie saltzman let out a proper GROAN. “why does your hair have to look so much like a sponge?” she asked of landon, only for hope to slip a hand into hers and instantly the girl soothed. she was nervous, will could tell. he knew lizzie saltzman well. she’d been his first and only crush, his first kiss. and maybe there would have been something if she wasn’t so horribly in love with hope mikaelson. hope mikaelson who returned her affections and became an absolute mess when lizzie turned on the charm.

               they were cute, and will was happy for the girls. though he and josie did sometimes make barfing sounds when they were being lovey dovey to the GUG degree.

              lizzie would flip them off.

              fuck, will didn’t know what he’d do without them. he didn’t know who he’d be with only jack’s influence, without the girl’s he called his family. and now there was someone else part of that family, someone else to protect. and protect them, he would.

              “so tomorrow they’ll be leaving to rob a bank.” hope began. “i overheard my dad talking about it. that is when we move.” they had to be gone when it happened, whether it was love or possessiveness, the kids were all too aware their parents wouldn’t be happy with them leaving.

            when hope said the words ROB A BANK. it didn’t mean an actual robbery, but rather an outing. their parents were hush hush on the horrible deeds they commited, so lizzie in her greatness decided ‘yeah, they’re probably robbing banks. ski masks and everything.’

             so yeah, robbing banks.

              “so, i uh, i know i’m the new guy,” a groan from lizzie, a chuckle from hope and an eye roll from will himself.

              “we really are prepared for this,” josie piqued in. “and if you don’t think you could handle this and need to stay behind that’s fine but--”

               “wait wait,” landon interrupted, a chake of his head. “not what i was getting at, i was moreso gonna say we should ya know... prepare.” prepare, and it was said in such a way that landon had been through this before. huh. “maybe we could make back backs and hide them? hope filled me in, that we have money-- but money won’t last forever and we should prepare. food, blankets, lighters, everything that we might need and could carry with us. i mean... we will be on the streets, roughing it. and it’s better then being here, but still. we need to be prepared for it.”

               “oh my god, you were a trashcan baby.” classic lizzie saltzman, truly. still she was probably right. landon spoke like he had all too much experience in the narrative of it.

                “guess you didn’t tell him everything,” will had figured hope would fill him on it.

               hope gave a shrug. “i was meaning to, it just didn’t happen yet.”

               “okay, so what am i missing?” landon asked, bewildered.

                once more, josie spoke up. “her name is penelope. she’s second-generation just like us... and she’s going to bring us to our dad.”

                 alaric saltzman, their savior. a man who wanted to be in his daughter’s lives til their uncle stole them away on a whim. according to josie, he contacted the twins three months ago. that was when the plan fell into play. alaric had resources, and since his daughters were two fo them, he did all the research he could. apparently he was in touch with something called THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY, and they would protect them. all of them. they just needed to get the destination pick up point first.

                  so it went remarkably well. they did actually pack, because the journey to the umbrella academy would be a few days and they were on foot. he knew the girls well but landon... landon was a constant surprise. it was weird, having pleasant surprises by someone. landon was all sorts of weird but... will found himself enjoying it.

                  it was their third night, and tomorrow they would arrive. at least, according to josie’s calculations. for the past two nights they had managed to boy two motel rooms, and yes he kept sharing with landon. landon who snuck, of all things, candy into his bag. who kept asking will if he wanted any. and will, who always said, sure.

                then josie checked how much they have left and apparently it worried her. she wanted to be safer, spend less. thus, one room this time. the three girls squeezed into one bed together (poor josie, will thought, or maybe poor lizzie and hope. unable to get it on with josie right there). but it left he and landon to share a bed. funny thing was though, will hadn’t shared a bed with someone ever before. and when a tired landon rolled onto him he hadn’t had the foggiest what to do. so, he fell asleep, and hoped that upon waking up the situation would resolve itself.

               it did not.

              they were snuggling. and it was... nice. actually. really nice. huh.

             “disgusting.” that was a voice whispered in his ear, one that sounded remarkably like jack. except it wasn't in his head, oh no- a knee was his chest, forcing him down--- making him stay. then jack was reaching over and no no no--

              the thing was, about jack. he was remarkable in many ways. knew ways to kill so many people, knew how to use so many weapons, but when it came to it his power was basically his favorite thing.

               death touch.

               his hand clasped landon’s throat, and landon’s eyes flew open. and will--- he’d known landon less than a week. it was stupid, they were barely even friends. yet, as the life drained from his eyes, will felt like the world was ending. no more stupid jokes, no more awkward pauses or candy. no more offered candy. no more landon.

              will SHRIEKED.

             he heard the sound of the sound of one of the girls falling off the bed, and then jack was jumping back because there was FIRE and will--- fuck, was he sobbing? he’d never done that before. not even on jack’s worst days. he’d never shaken like this before, unable to stop, unable to breathe---

              “will.” hope said, taking his arm and pulling--- but no, he couldn’t leave landon’s body-- no-- “will!” hope said again. his eyes connected with hers and the sight of her felt so damn blurry. the world was fucking spinning. “give him a moment.”

             a moment? a moment? for--- a large GASP, came from the boy before him. landon sucked in air as if he hadn’t breathed before, well, this WAS his first breath after dying.

            “oh my god.” landon’s blue eyes connected to his, and despite the fire, despite the death, despite it all, he smiled.

            “hey.”

            “hi.”

            epilogue i’m too lazy to write: wll uses his own killer touch to knock jack out, (hope fought him for a bit btw, she has preflex). they make it to alaric and the umbrella academy. it’s not happily ever after, but it is better then it was before. and will has landon now. he’s happy.

[justanoutlawfic]

You’ll Be In My Heart: Chapt. 2

Summary: Robin explains his proposition to Regina.

Also on AO3

It had been 5 years since Robin had seen Regina Mills. She had worn suits every day over the year long court battle and always looked so put together, despite having a toddler at home. He always commended her for that. She seemed so strong, until the verdict that was. He watched her break down into Daniel’s arms, looking more devastated than he had ever seen anyone.

 Now, she looked a lot more relaxed. She was wearing a pair of lounge pants and a long-sleeved shirt, her hair shorter. God, she was more beautiful than she had any right to be.

 “I don’t understand,” Regina said, pulling him out of his thoughts. “I tried for over a year to get him back. It’s impossible.”

“A lot has changed.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I’ve been taking care of Henry for the past 4 years.”

Regina tilted her head. “I don’t understand. Emma was the one that got custody after the case.”

“Emma died a year after the verdict.”

 Regina’s eyes widened and she stepped away from the door, gesturing for him to come inside. He stepped into the house, looking around the comfortable yet meticulously decorated living room. On the mantle piece above the fire place were a few pictures, some of her and Henry, but most of just him. He had never seen baby pictures of his nephew. It was hard to think that he had once been a squishy little baby. In the pictures where he was held by his former adoptive mother, he was looking at her with all the love in the world.

 “What happened?” Regina asked.

“It was a car accident, her and my mom were in Spain together.”

“Was Henry with them? Is he alright?”

Robin had to hold back a laugh. There was so much he wanted to tell Regina, but his lawyer had advised him against it. “No, Henry was with my sister in California at the time. Emma barely took care of him anyway.”

Hurt filled Regina’s eyes and he couldn’t blame her. “So, you have custody of him now?”

“That’s the problem. After the accident, my father was given guardianship, but he was barely around to take care of him. Mary Margaret was doing her best to help, but she was just starting college. So, I took over. Henry lives with me.”

“I’m still a bit confused where I come in.”

 Robin sighed. Admitting his faults wasn’t his strong suit, he was pretty sure it wasn’t anyone’s.

 “Henry is a very smart little boy. He’s the type to do tons of research and ask for help when it comes to answers he can’t find. We spend a lot of time reading books or going over Google.” He let out a tiny chuckle. “I’ve learned more with him, than I did over my 4 years at Vassar.”

Regina shifted uncomfortably. It should’ve been her bragging about his accomplishments and he knew that. “That’s great.”

“The thing is, he’s starting to remember things. A lot of it is hazy. He can’t remember Emma at all, but he talks about you.”

“Me?”

“He says he remembers crying and holding onto a woman with dark hair. That you gave him lots of kisses and told him it’d be okay.”

Regina bit her lip. “That was the day he was taken away from me.”

“I figured. He’s been asking about why we don’t have baby pictures of him and where he was those first few years. I’ve done my best to explain. I’ve been doing my best period, but I know that Henry needs more than me, he needs a mother. Not just any mother…he needs you.”

“Well, that’s what I argued for two years. Your family didn’t care, they ripped him from me.”

“They were wrong. Mary Margaret and I tried to talk some sense into them, but nothing worked. You have to believe me, I never wanted this.”

“I don’t see how I can help you. What are you trying to say? You want to convince Leopold to give me custody? He wouldn’t do that 5 years ago. What’s going to change now?”

Robin let out a deep breath. “I’ve been fighting for the past couple of years for my father to let me adopt Henry. He’s called me “Dad” a few times and I can tell he wants to on a permanent basis. The issue is, Leopold doesn’t think that I can do it alone. He’s old fashioned, extremely so. Even though he’s a single man, he knows that one day he’ll die. He wants Henry to have a mother and a father, like he would’ve had if my mom hadn’t died alongside Emma.”

“So…what are you trying to say?”

“If we got married, he’d let us both adopt him.”

 Regina’s mouth dropped open and for the first time since he met her, she truly seemed speechless. He couldn’t blame her, he knew that this wasn’t the most conventional way. Robin had gone over it a million times in his head before he decided to open up this can of worms. He wanted to do the right thing for Henry and this was the only way he was going to be able to do it.

 “Marry you?” Regina asked incredulously after the shock wore off. “I barely even know you. I hate your family.”

“I know, and I don’t blame you. I’m not doing this for me, I wouldn’t expect us to even share a bed. It’s all for Henry.”

“You honestly think your father is going to let me adopt him again? After everything he did to take Henry from me?”

“I’ve discussed it with him. It was never about you, he didn’t want to hurt you and Daniel personally…”

“Well, he did! This entire thing ruined my marriage. I’m assuming you know that, or else you wouldn’t be here.”

Robin sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I hired a private investigator to look into you. I’m aware.”

“Of course.”

“Look, Leopold isn’t a great guy and that’s why I took Henry. He’s getting sicker by the day and I know he doesn’t have much longer. I want him to consent to the adoption before he dies, or else there’s going to be an uphill battle. He’s made it clear if I don’t get married before he dies, Henry will go with Mary Margaret and her husband. Which I know they would do, but it’s not what they want. They’re still young, not even ready for kids of their own, let alone an 8-year-old.”

 Robin could tell that Regina was actually considering it, which both surprised him and didn’t at the same time. He wasn’t asking for himself, he was asking for the little boy that they both clearly loved with everything in him.

“You’re sure your father approves of me?”

“He knows at this point, he can’t be choosey.”

She rolled her eyes. “Gee, thanks.”

“You know what I mean. Look, I love Henry. As much as I wish they hadn’t taken him from you, he’s become my entire world. If I lost him…I don’t know what I’d do.”

“Well, I already did.”

“And this is your chance to get him back. This marriage doesn’t even have to be forever. It’s just until my dad dies, then we can work out custody and all of that.”

“You’d be willing to split custody with me?”

“It’d kill me not to see him every day, but I want to do what’s right for him. That starts by marrying you.”

 Robin reached into his pocket, pulling out the black velvet box that had been burning a hole in it the 5-hour flight. He knew it was a long shot, but he had to pray that it would work. Flipping open the box, he revealed the diamond that he had selected.

 “Regina Mills, will you do me the honor of becoming my nephew’s mother…again?”

[femmesfollesnebraska]

Artist-Poet Feature: Claudia Serea & Maria Haro

Pleased to feature artist Maria Haro alongside poet Claudia Serea with some of their collaborative work...

Where are you from? How did you get into creative work and what is your impetus for creating?

Claudia Serea:

I was born and raised in Romania, and I started writing poems when I was around 14 years old, in Romanian, of course. I wrote until my third year in college, then stopped. I immigrated to the U.S. in 1995 and took up writing almost 12 years later, this time in English. As for the reasons, I write because I believe I have something to say: my experience growing up behind the Iron Curtain, my immigration story, and the fact that I am constantly moving between two languages and cultures, not fitting perfectly in either of them. I also find inspiration everywhere around me, on New York City streets, in everyday life. I don't have to make up almost anything, just type what I see really fast. :)

Maria Haro:

I was borned in Madrid, Spain. Ever since I remember, I have been creating. My father is also an artist, so I grew up surrounded by art. I started my professional career in 1994 when I moved to New York City after graduating in graphic design.

My impetus for creating has evolved through the years. It started as something I liked to do, then something that I liked and I needed for a living, and now is evolving into something I need to do in order to make sense of it all.

Tell me about Twoxism, your current project and book, and why it’s important to you. What do you hope people get out of your work?

Claudia Serea:

I started the blog Twoxism in 2015 together with my friend, photographer Maria Haro—but the idea is older than that. The project concept came from Maria's friend, the Spanish photographer, Koldo Mirren Guinea Herran. He contributed some excellent photography to our project; he also designed the amazing cover and created the layout of the book. One of the poems I wrote for his beautiful photograph of tools was shared 1,600 times on StumbleUpon alone. I’m sure a lot of its appeal is because of this iconic image. Here it is: 

Sometimes I feel like a mechanic

Sometimes I feel like a mechanic, hammer and wrench instead of hands,

fitting the small parts, turning them this way and that, until they lock together, tight, teeth clenched.

I test the wheels, try the belt, turn the engine on and off, and on again,

listening to the wheezing, the whirr, until it works, and the growl comes on,

and the propeller starts flipping and swooshing,

and the shiny thing lifts into the air and flies into the world,

leaving me behind with my greasy hands and grimy nails,

grinning.

Maria Haro:

Twoxism started as a poetry-photography collaboration blog (www.twoxism.com) for which I took the photos and Claudia wrote the poems they inspired. In April 2017, 33 selections from the blog became an art exhibition that opened in New York City. Recently, Twoxism became a book published in December 2018 by the Canadian press 8th House Publishing. 

Twoxism is an invented word for all things two—among them, love, friendship, and relationships. We had a great response to the blog, with +15K page views and +40K impressions on Twitter and growing. As a project, it finds beauty in unexpected places and sees the mundane with redemptive eyes. As a book, it speaks of love and relationships in a new way. We hope others find it fresh, inspiring, and authentic. I personally started to better understand personal relationships through the photos I take and the lens of the artists who contribute to Twoxism.

Does collaboration play a role in your work—whether with your community, artists or others? How so, and how does this impact your work?

Claudia Serea:

I love collaborating with other artists. Collaboration gives my poems the chance to be shared with and enjoyed by more people. It gives the poem a new life. Apart from Twoxism, I collaborated with film directors who turned my poems into videos. My poem In Those years, No One Slept was set to music for choir by composer Rich Campbell, and the song won the top prize at the 2018 Uncommon Music Festival last August. I have another ongoing poetry-photography project with artist Mike Markham which, who knows, might become an exhibition or book in the future. And Maria and I we’ll keep Twoxism growing as long as it can. We are just getting started.

Maria Haro:

My biggest drive now is to discover what is possible through collaboration, and everything has to have a purpose. I am mostly interested in creating work than helps others using my design, photography, and artistic skills. I always have more projects on my mind that time to execute them and make the best of them. That is where collaboration really makes sense to me. Things are always better together.

Considering the political climate, how do you think the temperature is for the arts right now, what/how do you hope it may change or make a difference?

Claudia Serea:

Creativity knows no limits and no one can contain it, although some might try. The arts are hot in the U.S., and they will always be. Language is also extremely important in shaping our message and connecting us with emotion. Here is a poem from Twoxism that explores language’s important role, accompanied by Maria’s evocative photo:

About languages

In what language does the house painter paint?

Does the wind in Chile speak Spanish to the trees?

Do the gulls over the Hudson River cry Whitman’s verse?

And what about the Statue of Liberty?

In what language does she keep silent?

Coming from Romania, I feel fortunate to be in the United States and share my poems in English with the artists here. Who knew something like this could happen? I never thought I would get here in the first place. We get to write and express ourselves, and that is thrilling to me. I am very grateful for that. In turn, we must fight to open doors for others, and not create in a vacuum. There are countless artists and poets who live under oppressive regimes and don’t get this chance. We need to raise our voices and help them in any way we can. It’s an uphill battle, but I have faith we can contribute to the change.

Maria Haro:

Being an artist is hard, and it will always be, no matter where you are and what political climate you’re in. But it really helps to be in Madrid and in New York City where there is freedom to express yourself and a lot of receptivity to art.

Art is very intangible. You can only break through when you touch the viewer’s emotions and cause disruption. I will continue to try to do that for the rest of my life.

Sense of humor is another great weapon to have. I love to explore through my art the political environment and discover in deeper layers what is really going on and how it translates into our daily lives. Here is a twoxism that illustrates that:

High stakes entertainment

When all of this is over,

we'll have invented a new game,

the American roulette.

All is fair in love and war. So pass the popcorn, the wine, lots of wine, and the remote.

Artist Wanda Ewing, who curated and titled the original LFF exhibit, examined the perspective of femininity and race in her work, and spoke positively of feminism, saying “yes, it is still relevant” to have exhibits and forums for women in art; does feminism play a role in your work?

Claudia Serea:

In Twoxism, we explored the topic of empowering women in several combinations of poems and photographs. The goddess woman, the working woman, the skateboarding girl who is afraid to fall, the mother, the lover, the friend, they all find voices in the book. One of my favorites pieces is “Ode to the warrior woman,” paired with a beautiful photo of red lipstick as a “weapon” of choice by Maria Haro. Here it is:

Ode to the warrior woman

Beautiful woman, the world is still cruel and wild.  Bring out the thunderbolts and don’t be afraid of the fight.

 Put on your lipstick and pull up your boots. Grab your sword and slay the dragons on your way to work.

Walk in knee-high blood on 7th Avenue and don’t let anyone see the quiver in your heart.

 Be kind and smile. Don’t let them see that you’re hurt.

Sharpen your talons, merciless bird.

Woman, you da man, the man’s womb, you da bomb!

 Galaxies explode from your sex,  Milky Way swirls and pours out of your breasts.

Tell the little girl inside you to hush.

Swing the bow on your back and spread your eagle wings.

There is so much to fight for, so much to do.

Put on your lipstick, girl.

The world is waiting for you.

Maria Haro:

There isn’t really a choice for us to demand equal rights for women. It’s mandatory (and I have projects coming up that directly address this topic.)

Ewing’s advice to aspiring artists was “you’ve got to develop the skill of when to listen and when not to;” and “Leave. Gain perspective.”  What is your favorite advice you have received or given?

Claudia Serea:

Keep writing even if you get rejected. Be honest and true to yourself. And, most importantly, never give up. Persistence is the most important quality.

Maria Haro:

Attack your fears by being fearless.

How do the birds know when it’s time to fly?

They must feel a restlessness, or a clock striking in their brain,

an itch, or a longing in the bones.

Or maybe the roads are calling, unfolding ahead,

new balconies of the city, glimmering windows and highways of air.

That’s when I have to say goodbye to my friends of the same feather

and prepare to travel light, with only love as carry-on.

Then, without thinking too much, the leap:

the push off the ledge, a flap or two.

I lean my chest against the wind and glide.

The current pours and lifts me up, up, so I can see everything.

Farewell, past.

Twoxism by CLAUDIA SEREA & MARIA HARO

Published by 8th House Publishing, Montreal, Canada

Order the book here.

6 x 9 | Paperback | December 2018

116 pages | Price: $20.00

ISBN 978-1-926716-53-4

Follow us on the blog Twoxism and on Instagram @Twoxism.

Claudia Serea is an award-winning Romanian-born poet whose poems and translations appeared in Field, New Letters, Gravel, Prairie Schooner, RHINO, The Malahat Review, and elsewhere. She has published five poetry collections, most recently Twoxism, a poetry-photography collaboration with Maria Haro (8th House Publishing, 2018). Serea is a founding editor of National Translation Month and a co-host of The Williams Poetry Readings series in Rutherford, NJ.

Maria Haro grew up in Madrid, Spain, where she studied fine arts and graphic design. She graduated from the School of Graphic Communications and moved to New York City in 1994. She has won several global awards as a Creative Director in pharma advertising. She collaborates with other artists on projects that inspire her. You can find her photos on Instagram @mariavisualdesigner.

~

Les Femmes Folles is a volunteer organization founded in 2011 with the mission to support and promote women in all forms, styles and levels of art from around the world with the online journal, print annuals, exhibitions and events; originally inspired by artist Wanda Ewing and her curated exhibit by the name Les Femmes Folles (Wild Women). LFF was created and is curated by Sally Deskins.  LFF Booksis a micro-feminist press that publishes 1-2 books per year by the creators of Les Femmes Folles including the award-winning Intimates & Fools (Laura Madeline Wiseman, 2014) , The Hunger of the Cheeky Sisters: Ten Tales (Laura Madeline Wiseman/Lauren Rinaldi, 2015 and Mes Predices (catalog of art/writing by Marie Peter Toltz, 2017).Other titles include Les Femmes Folles: The Women 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 available on blurb.com, including art, poetry and interview excerpts from women artists. A portion of the proceeds from LFF books and products benefit the University of Nebraska-Omaha’s Wanda Ewing Scholarship Fund.

Current call for collaborative art-writing: http://femmesfollesnebraska.tumblr.com/post/181376606692/lff-2019-artistpoet-collaborations

https://www.facebook.com/femmesfolles

[dust-tone]

Dust-Tone Interview: Sweatson Klank (fka TAKE)

art by dusq.

Sweatson Klank (formerly known as Take) is nothing short of a musical pioneer. Having been at the center of the ever-growing beats community for almost two decades now, Tom Wilson has helped engineer the creative environment that is known and loved today. You can find his discography scattered amongst nearly a dozen revered labels (including Project: Mooncircle, All City, Friends of Friends, Poo-Bah, Alpha Pup and more). He has also produced an extensive collection of official DJ mixes for beloved radio stations and collectives (BBC, dublab, BTS, Low End Theory, Brainfeeder and many more). Most important to note however is his paramount Sketchbook night which laid the foundation for the famed Low End Theory and the fertile Los Angeles beat community as a whole in the early-mid 2000′s.

While Sweatson Klank is both busy with musical projects and running the label Tone and Manor, we were fortunate enough to sit down and get his perspective on the current musical climate.

Dust-Tone: When did you first start making music and what got you interested in it? Early influences?

Sweatson Klank: I started making music when i was 13. I had a deep connection to music really early on. I got a guitar and took lessons for a year. From there on I jammed with my friends and eventually started a couple little bands in High School. I also got a bass and started playing bass a little here and there. These bands were just little garage bands where we would play parties and wherever we got invited to play, but it was good fun and I learned a lot from those experiences. When i got to college i quickly started looking for other musicians to form a band with but had trouble finding people I related to musically. Around that time I went to a huge house party off campus and really got my first taste of what a dj was truly capable of. This guy, who later became a good friend was rocking a crown of about 300 people with just turntables, records and a mixer. Mind you, this was well before cdjs or Serato. At the time is was still really special to witness a dj playing records and doing so with a technical prowess I hadn't ever seen before. I had an epiphany, that night. I watched this dj just control a crowd and they were loving it. I had been having trouble forming a new band because I had a really strong opinion of what i wanted it to sound like and others didn't seem to see eye to eye with me. I was always telling people how to play and what to play with their instruments. As you can imagine, no one really liked that hahaha. Little did i know i was a producer in the making. I had all these ideas but I wasn't capable of playing them or truly expressing them yet. So back to this party, I was shocked to see this dj setting the vibe and expressing himself through playing records. I sat there all night bugging him to let me try it. Of course, he kept saying no, get lost. Finally as it got later and he got drunker, he told me " If you want to make a fool of yourself go ahead" and handed me the headphones. I had never touched a turntable or mixer in my life, but i had been watching him do it all night. So i got up there and started flipping through his records, which i knew absolutely nothing about, they were all house records. The only record i knew was a Micheal Jackson record - " Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" so i grabbed it and somehow magically blended a perfect mix on my first try and the crowd went nuts!! Most likely because it was MJ and that song gets any party hype hahah.. So i grabbed another record i didn't know and tried again and completely train wrecked and the dj grabbed the head phones back from me and went back on. That one moment of glory though was enough to set it all off for me. The next week i was at his house begging him to teach me and practice on his turntables. Its just snowballed from there. i was hooked, started buying records, eventually got turntables, a club night, started dj'ing all over. I learned to dj playing house music but i was much more into Hip Hop and Funk and Soul. After about a year, i realized i wanted to actually make tracks and not just be a dj. So i got a drum machine, and then a sampler, and a four track and there you have it, i was on my way to doing what i still love to do today.

DT: What are you currently listening to? Does this affect the evolution of your current sound? Do you find yourself holding onto influences and themes of the past over new music tendencies or is how you make music flowing more with the changing of the times?

SK: That question is pretty difficult because I listen to so much music all the time. I really don't listen to any one style of music constantly. I love to discover old music that I didn't know. Record collecting is still one of my favorite hobbies so Im constantly finding stuff from the past that is incredibly inspiring and influential in the music i make today. I think i am much more inspired by the sounds of the past than i am the sounds of most fo todays music. As an artist, your tastes are constantly evolving, and to me thats a beautiful thing. It shows your own growth, and life is all about growing. When I am not in the studio working, i generally prefer to listen to old records. Jazz, Brazilian, African, weird electronic library records, New Age music and i love 80's Soul/R&B boogie stuff!

DT: You've been a pretty important staple in the "beat scene" for over a decade now. Low End Theory (which has now sadly come to a finale), Dublab, AllCity, Warp, Ghostly, Poobah, Project Mooncircle, even BBC and so many more love you. You are the modern hero to the independent beat maker. Do you feel like growing up on the west coast had any impact on early exposure to this musical way of thought? Able to meet the right people, get pushed in the right directions, etc?

SK: Thanks man, so nice of you. I think just having a forward thinking attitude about music and life really helped me most. Low End was a great place that helped me get noticed and meet tons of incredible people who shared similar perspectives on music. Before Low End though, we had a night called Sketchbook which was essentially an early version of all of that. Our goal was just to push the weirder left field side of hip hop and downtempo electronic music before it was actually cool. It was an uphill battle at first but but we just did it out of love for the music and a passion to play stuff no one else was playing.

DT: How has the "beats" community changed since you first entered it? Some would argue what was once a niche LA sound has spread worldwide and transformed through the different cultures. Does this influence your music?

SK: When we started doing this, it was just our own form of expression, we had no idea it would eventually grow into the "Beat Scene"  and now in turn,  people call it Lo Fi hip hop.. i just laugh. Its all good. I think there are tons of great producers out there making really interesting beats!! So Im happy to maybe have been a part of the birth of whatever the movement wants to call itself now. I think I am more in awe and influenced by the OG's than the new comers. To me everyone has one great record in them.. But to put out great music for years and years, thats a different story. That is what inspires and influences me the most. When i leave this earth, I want to leave behind a vast catalog of musical creations, regardless of if any of it was commercially successful or popular. Just like most of the records I admire most from 30-40 years ago. They were never hugely popular, but they were incredible!

DT: What is your creative process like? Do you start with the tool or from the imagination? Or both? Do you find yourself ever using traditional methods for making music or do you normally stick to the DAW? (which DAW/gear do you use?)

SK: My process really varies. Sometimes I start with a sample, other-times i just lay out a chord progression on the piano or a synth and build from there. I try to find new ways to tap into creativity so that im not bored. There is really no one single approach to making music. I use Ableton as my main DAW but I also use a ton of external instruments like synths, guitars, bass, drum machines, percussion instruments, vinyl samples.

DT: Fine Lines, your latest release from FoF Music is incredible. Did you have a specific aural goal with this album or did you just create and let the sound emerge naturally? Are you currently working on anything for the future or currently focusing more on support for your latest release? Anything exciting planned for 2019?

SK: With the 'Fine Lines' album I really wanted to create a cohesive album that embodied a specific vibe. How that vibe is perceived is up to the listener of course, but i sought out to make something that was indicative of my life during the making of these songs. In its most basic explanation its a story of growth, love, battling darkness both inner and outer and the never ending search for true happiness hahha. Yes I have a bunch of stuff slated for 2019. First off i just launched my label Tone and Manor. We just released our first compilation " All Over the Place" Vol. 1 and have Vol. 2 coming out in November.   The Tone and Manor label is a passion project of mine. I teach music production at Point Blank Music Academy and I mentor a lot of young producers and beginners and the label is a way for me to help some of them get their music out there into the often confusing music sphere. I also have a new album coming out in 2019.. Im really excited about that. For this one I am really going back to my roots. Analog synths, samples, instruments and in general a more organic vibe to the music. Its getting closed to finish and im really hyped to share it when its ready. The first single will likely come out early 2019.

DT: Do you find that switching your name brought any confusion? Do Sweatson Klank and TAKE focus on separate sounds or do they have a similar theme you aim for?

SK: Switching my name from Take to Sweatson Klank was purely for the reason that Take became increasingly impossible to find online, being that its a verb used in every other sentence. It was a bit hard at first to re-brand but im glad i did it. The sound has always been me. Its the evolution of me as an artist. If i was still TAKE the songs I've released as Sweatson Klank would be the same. It was really just a name change, not a style change. The intention hasn't changed.

DT: Please recommend something you're currently listening to, favorite place to get food in LA (are you an LA native), and a film or book if you have had time to indulge.

SK: Currently as i write this i am listening to a track from 1985 called 'Plastic Love' by a Japanese Female Soul artist named Mariya Takeuchi. The list of things i listen to could fill up 3 pages hahaha. Lets just say i listen to everything!!! I stay up on the latest hip hop, house, techno but I find more pleasure in digging through old records and discovery things from different times and countries!! Yes, I would say I am an LA native, I moved here from Paris, France when I was 5. Favorite place to eat really depends on the mood! Sushi Gen in Little Tokyo is definitely a regular in my rotation. Current read; The book of Joy by Douglas AbramsI just want thanks for taking the time to shine a light on me and my work, I hope your readers enjoy.

Sweatson Klank’s music is available direct from the artist through bandcamp: https://sweatsonklank.bandcamp.com

And his label’s discography as well: https://toneandmanor.bandcamp.com

Huge thanks to Tom Wilson for taking the time to talk with us and give a window to his world.

[patriotsnet]

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/why-some-republicans-are-feeling-shame/

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

Who Are These People

Why some conservatives feel targeted by social media companies

Earlier this week, as the challenge by congressional Republicans of the choice of electors by six states loomed ahead of us, I shared with my spouse how miserably dispirited I had become as an American citizen. The realization weighed heavily on me that I have nothing in common with nearly half the electorate in this country: not my social values and attitudes; not my political beliefs and allegiances; not the value that my ethical sensibilities place on rationality, cooperation and the common good; not even my fundamental moral principles.

I cannot relate to these others, nor do I want to. I already know what they represent, and what they represent, I despise. I feel alienated from them. They make me feel that I am a stranger in my own homeland. I suppose the alienation felt is mutual between us. But I cannot reach out to them. Like addicts, they need to recognize and claim their own demons and crawl away from them. Neither I nor anybody else can do that for them. This may be a harsh and uncharitable comparison. But I would be dishonest with myself to think and to say otherwise.;

Steven Pokorny, Urbandale

Senate Republicans Are Bathed In Shame

Theres no impartial justice, just protection of Trump at all costs.

By Frank Bruni

Opinion Columnist

The impeachment trial of Donald John Trump began on Thursday when John Roberts, the chief justice of the United States, directed all of the senators to stand and raise their right hands. Ever since I cant get two questions out of my head.

The first: How in Gods name and it was in Gods name can the Republicans who have already decided to acquit President Trump take a solemn oath to administer impartial justice? Theyre partial to the core, unabashedly so, as their united march toward a foregone conclusion shows. A mind-meld this ironclad isnt a reflection of facts. Its a triumph of factionalism.

The majority of the partys senators have said outright or clearly signaled that they have no intention of finding the president guilty and removing him from office. Yapping lap dogs like Lindsey Graham and obedient manservants like Mitch McConnell have gone further, mocking the whole impeachment process.

So the oath they took: How does that work? Did they cross the fingers on their left hands? Do they reason that American politics has reached a nadir of such fundamental hypocrisy and overweening partisanship that no one regards that pledge as anything but window dressing?

If there were nothing to this, why would Trump stonewall Congress to the extent that he has? Thats not how the innocent act.

A pathological liar, Cruz called Trump.

What To Watch For

It is highly unlikely Cruz or Hawley will resign or be forced out, but their political prospects both within and outside the senate appeared to have dimmed. In addition to alienating possible donors, one anonymous Republican senator told Politico the caucus would face a reckoning over Hawley and Cruz.

Also Check: How Many Republicans Are There In The Senate

Think Republicans Are Disconnected From Reality It’s Even Worse Among Liberals

A new survey found Democrats live with less political diversity despite being more tolerant of it with startling results

In a surprising new national survey, members of each major American political party were asked what they imagined to be the beliefs held by members of the other. The survey asked Democrats: How many Republicans believe that racism is still a problem in America today? Democrats guessed 50%. Its actually 79%. The survey asked Republicans how many Democrats believe most police are bad people. Republicans estimated half; its really 15%.

The survey, published by the thinktank More in Common as part of its Hidden Tribes of America project, was based on a sample of more than 2,000 people. One of the studys findings: the wilder a persons guess as to what the other party is thinking, the more likely they are to also personally disparage members of the opposite party as mean, selfish or bad. Not only do the two parties diverge on a great many issues, they also disagree on what they disagree on.

This effect, the report says, is so strong that Democrats without a high school diploma are three times more accurate than those with a postgraduate degree. And the more politically engaged a person is, the greater the distortion.

Should the US participate in the Paris climate accord and reduce greenhouse gas emissions regardless of what other countries do? A majority of voters in both parties said yes.

Our Very Right To Vote Under Fire

The foundation of the American democracy is the absolute right of the people to choose their own leaders through the ballot box. Historians label this the sovereignty of the people. We are our own authority, in the decision-making process of the state and in the maintenance of order.

This absolute right of the people is under severe attack. Many of our fellow citizens believe that votes legitimately cast and counted are illegitimate. I do not know how or even if we will return to a culture of trust in the sovereignty of the people, and if we cannot go back, how will American democracy survive?

;Karen Merrick, Guttenberg

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Hes Destroyed Conservatism: The Republican Case Against Trumps Gop

Stuart Stevens was a winning GOP operative. Now he feels terrible about what hes done to the country.

AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

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Michael Grunwald is a senior staff writer for;Politico Magazine.

Stuart Stevens spent four decades helping Republicansa lot of Republicanswin. Hes one of the most successful political operatives of his generation, crafting ads and devising strategies for President George W. Bush, Republican presidential nominees Mitt Romney and Bob Dole, and dozens of GOP governors, senators and congressmen. He didnt win every race, but he thinks he had the best won-lost record in Republican campaign world.

And now he feels terrible about it.

Stevens now believes the Republican Party is, not to put too fine a point on it, a malign force jeopardizing the survival of American democracy. Hes written a searing apologia of a book called It Was All a Lie that compares his lifelong party to the Mafia, to Bernie Madoffs fraud scheme, to the segregationist movement, even to the Nazis. Hes pretty disillusioned.

It Was All a Lie is really about the party that spawned Trump and now marches in near-lockstep behind himthe party to which 67-year-old Stevens has devoted his career. The GOPs abject surrender to its unorthodox and unconservative leader was a surprise to Stevens, but he has concluded that he shouldnt have been surprised.

Aboard Mitt Romney’s campaign plane in Sept. 2012, senior adviser Stuart Stevens speaks to the press. | AP Photo/Evan Vucci

Hart Is Doing The Right Thing

I know Rita Hart personally and in my experience, she is the kind of person who is always trying to do the right thing, even if its difficult and an uphill battle.

Hart would likely win if just the uncounted 22 ballots were counted, but she is going a step further to ensure everyone can be confident in the election outcome by asking for a full recount. In a situation like this, a bipartisan commission in the U.S. House will likely ask the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office to conduct the recount so we can trust that politics will not interfere with the review of the election.

It is commendable that Hart is fighting to protect our sacred right to vote and the trustworthiness of our elections. Every vote must be counted to ensure Iowans continue to have confidence in their election system. Count every vote

;Maria Dickmann, Davenport

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Executive Action Is A Slippery Slope

The rationale given by the editorial board Jan. 3 to have Joe Biden issue executive orders to undo Donald Trumps executive orders is that some issues are too important to just wait for Congress. ;

Im sure this was the belief of Barack Obama when he issued his orders and the belief of Trump when he issued his orders. In other words, this rationale could be employed by any president at any time and it poses a real danger to the separation of legislative power and executive power provided by the U.S. Constitution. ;

Do the board members really want to combine these powers in the office of the presidency ?

Lonny Wilson,;West Des Moines

Democrats Werent Violent But Chose A Different Dishonorable Path

Why Do We Feel Shame?

I agree with the Jan. 7 letter Shame, shame, with the closing statement, This is one of the saddest days in our history.

And yes, when Trump won in 2016 there was no mob violence by Democrats. There was just four years of disbelief by the Democrats that Trump won and four years of trying to impeach him.

William D. Blohm, Carroll

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Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

Back in the fall, when Donald Trump dubbed Jeb Bush low-energy, Carlos Gimenez grew a little concerned. By last month, when Marco Rubio and Trump engaged in childish name-calling, the Republican mayor of Miami-Dade County thought the GOP presidential race had gotten out of hand. Now, after a tawdry week that has focused on the wives of Trump and Ted Cruz, Gimenez is certain that the race has moved totally out of bounds.

Politics is a contact sport, Gimenez said, but there should be contact in other ways.

Gimenez is watching with disgust, as are many Republicans across the country, as his partys presidential race turns into a tabloid talk show. After a winter that featured anatomical insults, violent clashes at rallies, and fierce accusations of lying and dirty tricks, Republicans say the past week has been particularly dispiriting.

At a moment when the party had hoped to turn its attention to;a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton, Republicans were instead caught in;an;uncomfortable back-and-forth over allegations of adultery and jabs at the physical appearance of the wives of Trump and Cruz.

That dispute took on renewed vigor Sunday, when the two candidates went at it again on the morning shows.

Dont forget, I call him Lying Ted. I call him that because nobody that Ive known Ive known a lot tougher people over the years in business, but Ive never known anybody that lied like Ted Cruz, Trump said.

Republicans Said President Obama Would Raise Taxes Sky High

It never happened. Income taxes for over 95% of Americans remained the same or lower than they were before Obama was elected. The only people whose income taxes increased were those who make more than $400,000 per year, and their taxes rose only 3%. For most Americans, taxes are still lower now than they were under Reagan.

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Conflict Over Health Vs The Economy

Masks are also linked to the broader debate about the disease threat from the coronavirus versus and the devastating impact that social distancing has had on our economy. This controversy again has fallen out on political lines, with the right placing a relatively greater emphasis than the left on the need to restart the economy.

Within this debate, some may see masks as playing up the disease side of this balancing act, while those who don’t wear masks might be seen as prioritizing a swift return to normalcy over concerns about health and safety.

Why Republican Voters Say Theres No Way In Hell Trump Lost

By Brad Brooks, Nathan Layne, Tim Reid

12 Min Read

SUNDOWN, Texas – Brett Fryar is a middle-class Republican. A 50-year-old chiropractor in this west Texas town, he owns a small business. He has two undergraduate degrees and a masters degree, in organic chemistry. He attends Southcrest Baptist Church in nearby Lubbock.

Fryar didnt much like Donald Trump at first, during the U.S. presidents 2016 campaign. He voted for Texas Senator Ted Cruz in the Republican primaries.

Now, Fryar says he would go to war for Trump. He has joined the newly formed South Plains Patriots, a group of a few hundred members that includes a reactionary force of about three dozen – including Fryar and his son, Caleb – who conduct firearms training.

Nothing will convince Fryar and many others here in Sundown – including the towns mayor, another Patriots member – that Democrat Joe Biden won the Nov. 3 presidential election fairly. They believe Trumps stream of election-fraud allegations and say theyre preparing for the possibility of a civil war with the American political left.

If President Trump comes out and says: Guys, I have irrefutable proof of fraud, the courts wont listen, and Im now calling on Americans to take up arms, we would go, said Fryar, wearing a button-down shirt, pressed slacks and a paisley tie during a recent interview at his office.

This is dystopian, Light said. America could fracture.

THERES JUST NO WAY

NO WAY IN HELL

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Republicans Said Waterboarding And Other Forms Of Enhanced Interrogation Are Not Torture And Are Necessary In Fighting Islamic Extremism

In reality, waterboarding and other forms of enhanced interrogation that inflict pain, suffering, or fear of death are outlawed by US law, the US Constitution, and international treaties. Japanese soldiers after World War II were prosecuted by the United States for war crimes because of their use of waterboarding on American POWs.

Professional interrogators have known for decades that torture is the most ineffective and unreliable method of getting accurate information. People being tortured say anything to get the torture to end but will not likely tell the truth.

An FBI interrogator named Ali Soufan was able to get al Qaeda terrorist Abu Zubaydah to reveal crucial information without the use of torture. When CIA interrogators started using waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation methods, Zubaydah stopped cooperating and gave his interrogators false information.

Far from being necessary in the fight against terrorism, torture is completely unreliable and counter-productive in obtaining useful information.

Shame Can Last A Lifetime If We Let It

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Shame is one of the hardest emotions to talk about. It can also be the hardest emotion to recognize in ourselves, and it can feel the most painful. So, what is shame and how do we know if were feeling it?

Shame is often confused with embarrassment or guilt. Embarrassment arises when the way we want people to see us isnt the way they do. We want people to think were cool, but then we walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to our shoe. The feeling usually doesnt last long. Guilt arises when we think weve broken societys or our own moral code. We feel guilty when we lie, for example. Guilt can last a long time, but we usually know that well feel better when we come clean.

Shame can last a lifetime if we let it. It isnt caused by a single event, but an amassing of wounds to our self-worth. We feel guilty when we think weve done something wrong and embarrassed or humiliated when weve erred in public. But we feel shame when we think we are wrong. We may feel powerless to change whatever it is that makes us feel it, which then leads us to feel even more of it. Shame can feel unfixable, because it binds to all emotions. So even when we feel good, we can feel shamelike we dont deserve it.

Its never too late. Love yourself and forgive yourself. Begin today.

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Senator Grassley Was It Worth It

Dear Senator Grassley:

It was impossible to not see the events of Jan. 6 as inevitable.;Some in your Republican Party are assigning blame to the president, acknowledging the role he played. ;

The blame for the;insurrection, loss of life, and the tenuous state of our democracy lies elsewhere.;Truth be known, anyone paying attention knew who Mr. Donald Trump was, and remains: a lawless, narcissistic, racist, immoral, and corrupt human being.;More could be said. ;

Perhaps it is time for you to accept responsibility for the indisputable role you played in empowering this despot.;The examples of his malfeasance in office are legion. ;

You had a chance to put an end to;Trump’s tyranny when you cast your senatorial vote after House impeachment.;The evidence of his offense could not have been clearer,;ignored by you and everyone in your party,;save for Sen. Mitt Romney, your own former presidential nominee. ;

Repercussions of your cowardice, including the treatment of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, a whistle-blower, which you made a career off pretending to protect, are too numerous to count.;Your tepid statements supporting other whistle-blowers who were also subjected to vicious attacks, and the rarity of public admonitions of these and other wrongdoings, are a disgrace to your office. ;;

Nevertheless, you certainly have achieved what must have been foremost in your agenda.;You personally helped to pack the Supreme Court, and countless other lifetime appointments have been confirmed. ;

Republicans Claim That Raising The Minimum Wage Would Kill Jobs And Hurt The Economy

Why are Shame & Trauma so Connected?

There is far more evidence to the contrary. Cities and states that have higher minimum wages tend to have better rates of job creation and economic growth.

Detailed analyses show that job losses due to increases in the minimum wage are almost negligible compared to the economic benefits of higher wages. Previous increases in the minimum wage have never resulted in the dire consequences that Republicans have predicted.

Republicans have accused President Obama of “cutting defense spending to the bone”. This chart of 2014 discretionary spending firmly disproves that argument.

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