#but since crying myself to sleep at 5am and waking up to work

[graciehart]

alright we made it to noon

[jazzyblusnowflake]

mini update yay-

so lets see, ill start off apologizing for being dead- exam season is around the corner and the only good thing about that will be that i will no longer have to teach or design papers- so i can probably draw a bit again, hopefully at least- so i WILL get back to the requests yall have sent me i promise uwu💕

tho bad news comes in the form of my school principles and viceprinciples bullying me because im a newbie, saying im not good at my job and putting their shortcomings as my fault because who wouldnt like to blame someone else for something they werent able to do- and i feel like the abuse im taking in this toxic environment is convincing me slowly to quit my job and start risking less stable jobs even if it means being my daddies little house girl again for a while. 🙄 at the very least even if im leaching off my parents i still actually HAVE somewhat decent parents and thats not something alot of people could say and im greatful for that.

the audacity was well shown when the principle went on the teachers meeting and was like "some of the teachers here who i will not name dont know how to do their job-" and then told me that i only got my job cuz my dad is rich [which yeah sure my daddy studied 4 years of uni and then credited me sure mmhmm makes sense.] and honestly i feel like im surrounded by 50 year old toddlers-

overall, learning to adult is difficult and im glad some people are helping me figure out how to put together a resume and apply for jobs and all that.... but i guess the next bad news comes in the form of us leaving for russia. i dont hate seeing other countries but having my life uprooted immediately after work ends and summer starts and selling off the car and putting stuff in boxes and yeeting ourselves via plane to live somewhere else for the next 4 years in pure isolation is not something my mental health is gonna be haha about. esp since im gonna have to talk to my therapist and doctor to give me enough meds for me to be able to search for another doctor while im there to give me similar treatment. ughhhhhhh.

overall i feel like i have reached a lovely level of ✨️no longer giving a shit about existance✨️ and thanks to some friends i was convinced juuuuust enough to reconsider ending myself :) in my defense, google was getting annoying for only bringing up hotlines =_=

my eyes cant see well anymore due to constant crying and emotional numbness has taken over me, so i apologize if i may seem out of it or a lil blunt at times when im talking lol i no longer have the energy to PRETEND and hold a mask to seem SOCIALLY appropriate and in this last month of school im gonna be making it everyone elses problem at school.

but other than that im looking forward for school ending so i could just sleep for a while without waking up BEFORE my alarms at 5am.

ok lets see what else uhh... my bday is on 19th and i pray to lord nobody makes a surprise party for me here, the anxiety of being in crowds is already kicking me in the ass im not ready to pretend to have a social battery ugh.

okay thats it mostly, i think.

i actually made this update MINI get it? :D

...ill show myself out...

[sncrlyian]

A Bolide’s Reminiscence

The scratching of paper is the only sound that could be heard in the silent dead of night, he writes;

To you My Dearest,

Bzz. Bzz. Bzzzz. A buzzing sound came under the pillows, waking her up and eyes bleary from sleep. She reads “Wake up!! It’s 5am already!!” as her iPhone continues to buzz of; quite effectively waking her up and her sisters. As time ticks, her eyes, well… She fell asleep again. “Ate! Gising na, ala-sais na!” Despite being late she surely took her time preparing for school and to get there. “Good morning, Kuya Yem!” She greeted the campus guard. “Late ka na. Mag-in ka na.” He replied and chuckled good naturedly, as in his words, “ikaw lagi huli ah.”

Well, that’s the morning of a 14 year old girl named Julianna. Quite uneventful, if you ask me, except for the part she would almost run to school for her to not be late. (She’s actually already 10mins late.)

Life would be so dull without her friends and I agree with her, every morning she would hear the sound of laughter soon becoming them calling her name, wanting to share the thing they have been talking about while she’s not there. Everyday feels so euphoric, she wouldn’t want the feeling to end and so does ending the day with a simple goodbye. An hour prior to her 5pm curfew, Julianna and her friends would always stay near the school campus; buying food such as the infamous siomai rice nila angel, tusok-tusok sa kanto, karinderya ni nanay, and many more. Weekdays might be tiring, waking up at 5– rather at 6am, brisk walking to school to be on the dot before she’s marked as tardy, and in engaging and doing her lessons but the fun of having friends that always got your back eases the tiredness from all of it. If I were to talk to her about her friends, she would immediately gush about them and their silly stories and I definitely understand, having that kind of adoration to your friends.

Things were bound to happen as she experience difficulty relating to her friends, personal problems and her academics. Friends come and go, they say, and she would always tear up upon agreement to that statement. Her insecurities of having no one by her side because of her behavior and attitude, the constant nagging of the voices in her mind that she will never be enough, and the constant comments of peers on her body ate her up to nothingness. 

Due to COVID-19 in the country, all was made to be accustomed to the new normal. There was never a day that she would not cry herself to sleep, alone with her thoughts, trying to ease herself up she did not do anything wrong. Since then, it had been a constant to her to keep her peers at bay, never really having the opportunity to know her past the façade she had built up through tough times. 

I had gone through the last year of my Junior High School, building my self confidence once again, yet keeping my peers at bay and did everything that I can do to also keep the thoughts at bay. All of my hard work had paid off, finishing as one of the honors and the Top 40 out of 700 honor students in the school. News spread out pretty quickly and another unexpected news that one of my aunts are having their second baby, after years. I was delighted to the point I got ready 4 hours early of the said moving up date to visit my grandmother and my aunt in their home. They had always been the people that inspired me to be the better version of myself, imagining the proud smiles, hugs, and praises I would receive once they knew. 

My achievements feel like then it have its consequences. After a month or so of the moving up and recognition ceremony, our family hit rock bottom. My father had been in quarantine for weeks as he doesn’t feel well, his condition getting worse as days pass by. Due to my father’s situation he had to be rushed in the hospital after weeks of not feeling well. Then on top of this, my aunt’s husband had been calling nonstop and bombarding us as he informed us that my aunt was also not feeling well. Me and my sisters have to move out of our own home as we also have to quarantine ourselves. During the fiasco we were in our grandfather’s house, I was taking my online classes while my sisters have their modules to tend to, mentally and physically adjusting to the sudden change. A week had passed, my parents regularly call us for lunch and before dinner; my mom, always the worrywart that she is, always reminding us to never skip our meals and all. A fine Monday morning, as I was getting my breakfast, my Tita She asked me out of the blue if Tita Jack was my favorite aunt, she asked me a couple of times and I had to question this, “Why? Is there something wrong?”. I thought she would simply deny the question but what I did not expect was her saying the most dreading thing I could ever hear in my life, “Si Tita Jack mo, wala na siya.” We lost my aunt and cousin due to COVID. We lost another family. Amidst the chaos, my dad was tested negative for COVID-19 but still at the hospital, as there are also other complications but nothing that medication can not mend.

I was the first from the third generation of the family to know, they deemed me well enough to take the news as I was the eldest. It was certainly not easy. After what felt like an hour, I stood up from the table, quickly wiping my tears away and muttering that I am going to get ready for my classes. I feel numb. My dad is still in the hospital with my mom taking care of him. I did not talk to anyone, I shut myself down from everyone. Cried myself to sleep, tried opening up, and then eventually bursting with my emotions, sobbing as I recall everything. Tita Josephine had witnessed all that, trying to comfort in a way. It was not easy, never was it easy to let go of someone you loved so dearly. I buried myself deep into school works, different organization responsibilities, working out, and trying out new dishes just to get myself out of the zone wherein I am stuck, doing nothing, weeping over everything. 

Up to this day, I could not say I am now over the fact I lost my aunt and cousin, and just recently we lost another family. Moving on is certainly not easy, letting go of the pain, the memories, and all is never an easy path for me and I guess, for everyone else. 

What I had learned from this is moving on is not forgetting, not letting go of the memories. Moving on is moving forward with new battle scars that adorn our hearts that makes us the person that we are, existing in the present time. 

I will not be the same Julianna that my peers had known during my present Senior High School years if I have not experienced a single thing of this. I am not me if I do not have the scars of a person who fought battlefields after battlefields. Some wounds, over the time, have already healed up but most of it is still not. I am not complaining, I am me. I am not complaining as I have my heart that is adorned with scars of the past and my mind sharper than ever to rule, to be me, to be the very best that I can be. 

My story does not end here, it shall forever go on even as I perish in the mortal realm. Let us meet each other, ‘til the day you remember me. ‘Til the day you still shine bright as ever, my little bolide. 

Sincerely,

Ian.

[bratz-kitten]

blockages that the placements need to work through 

here are some things i’ve been working on ft. the astrological placements that i believe they’re revelant to, in case anyone else needs this 

sun aspecting venus, harsh aspects to the ascendant - saying no. it’s not so much like... a need to say yes to please other people, but a fear of saying no and facing the repercussions of it. lately i’ve been trying to simply say no to things that make me uncomfortable because turns out i do have a great difficulty setting boundaries lmfao. when my male friends make a sexual comment about me, i just say “stop, don’t talk about me like that” and when people invite me to hangouts that i don’t have the energy to go to i simply say “i won’t go, but thank you for inviting me”. the most difficult part is dealing with the guilt that comes with refusing others, and i’m telling myself that it’s okay to piss people off if it’s to maintain my feeling of safety 

moon in capricorn, moon harshly aspecting saturn - letting myself depend on others. i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m not as big of a lone wolf as i believe myself to be lmfao. like, it’s okay that i depend on my emotional bonds sometimes! it’s okay to allow myself to love with no restrictions, with no “but i can’t let them see me vulnerable”, with no “what do i get out of this connection?”, no “oh i have to be nonchalant about how much i care for them or else they’re gonna know they have power over me and abandon me” no. i’m letting myself write the dumb sappy texts, to make the effort, to show how much i care, to open up to others. i’m easing with my calculating instincts. i don’t have to drown in my loneliness and i refuse to spend a lifetime avoiding getting close to others in fear of them hurting me. i’m working on seeing my strength, like... it’s ok if they hurt me because i will survive 

saturn in gemini, mars in the 12th house, mars harshly aspecting neptune - taking action when i need to. especially in real life, i have a lot of difficulty with taking action. like, if i’m in an argument with someone, or if someone is actively pissing me off, my first instinct is to end the conversation and escape so that it won’t escalate. theoretically, that’s smart... in practice, it makes me gulp down a lot of situations in favor of keeping the peace, and it makes me live an entirely different life in my mind vs. in reality. like, in my mind, when something happens i’ll fantasize about being assertive and talking back to the person, about standing my ground. but in real life i just... quietly move to a different room. plus it’s difficult for me to feel things in the moment, like something will happen and i won’t register it but days later i will think back on it and be practically fuming in anger. these past few weeks i’ve been working on just, saying what i want to say. even if i’m aware the situation can escalate, at least i won’t have any regrets, and it’s made me realize that people aren’t as easy to anger as i thought them to be, and that i’m stronger than i believed myself to be 

moon harshly aspecting jupiter - allowing myself to break down. my moon opposite jupiter is at a 0º orb, and when i tell you i feel every ounce of it, i really do. like, my emotions are extremely disregulated. on one hour i will be at the highest of the highs, and then the next hour i’ll be crying on the floor telling myself i’m the worst person alive. which just... causes me to feel even more guilty about how i speak to myself, and about how volatile my emotions are, and then i’m just a mess of guilt and self-criticism and “stop acting like a baby”; i feel easily overwhelmed and like i’m doing way too much, overreacting to every possible situation. and then, an hour later, im just like.... emotionally numb. anyways, instead of making it worse by blaming myself for my emotions, i’ve been just. allowing myself to feel. no guilt, no shame, just allowing myself to feel bad because of the innate belief that i’ll get over this, i’ll move forward, it’ll get better 

venus harshly aspecting the ascendant - dealing with a poor self-image. i have a lot of issues with my body image. so, instead of analyzing my body from every single angle and blaming myself for it, i’ll just. not look in the mirror. like, you know when you’re a kid, you’re barely aware that you have a body - it’s there, it functions, it helps you play and eat and grab things, but you don’t really spend time thinking about it’s shape and appearance because it doesn’t matter. that’s the mentality i’m trying to work with right now, that my body is there: it deserves food, exercise, to be washed and dressed in comfortable clothing, and that’s that. i’m releasing myself of the judgment that comes with my poor self-image 

natal saturn retrogade - stop buying things just to watch them sit there. like, i buy things that i don’t even use. or i buy things that i plan to use, but then i end up not using them out of guilt of having bought them, or lack of energy to use them, or fear of using them and messing up. so, what i’m doing is grabbing all the things i don’t use, and if i truly don’t want to use them, i’ll simply discard of them, and if i do want to use them, then i’m making plans to do so. no letting them sit in my room and feeling guilty every time i look at them 

mars dominance, mars aspecting personal planets, mercury aspecting pluto, debilitated moon (in capricorn or scorpio) - stop verbally insulting others in discussions. the point of having a discussion is to explain both perspectives and come to an agreement/compromise, not to try to win. unfortunately, this is something i’ve always had great difficulty understanding lmfao. as soon as i’m in a discussion the point stops being to shed light on the situation but to use the words i know will hurt the person the most so that they’ll feel the pain that i feel. when someone is not understanding me, part of me just wants to make them go through what i went through so that they’ll get it - especially if i have an emotional attachment to the person (for example, them being my family or romantic interest). this is extremely toxic and it’s giving me when your parents say “when i was younger i had it much more worse than you, and i’m going to somehow make this your problem”. so, i’ve been thinking twice about what i say to people. is what i’m about to say to this person relevant to this discussion, or do i just want my words to sting them so i can watch them crumble? i ask myself this question, and i try to show others the empathy that i want them to show me. 

planets in the 12th house, lilith in the 12th house - developing a better sleep schedule. i don’t remember the last time that i went to sleep before 5am, and this has greatly impacted my mental and physical health in general. like, i’ll go to bed extremely late, and then i wake up late and it takes me hours to find the strength to get out of bed because i just feel so shitty. the reason why i avoid sleeping early is because i struggle a lot with nightmares, because of my own paranoid thoughts and fears, and because it’s my “peaceful” time. like, during the day i have to deal with my parents being awake and... well, just existing in general, and i have to deal with my responsibilities and my family, but at night i get to just exist for myself and do whatever. but also, i struggle a lot with intrusive/paranoid thoughts that keep me from falling asleep. this is due to my anxiety and mental health problems, and to be honest i still don’t really know what to do to deal with this. like... the thing that’s helped me the most so far is to turn off my phone/computer since i get headaches easily, petting my cat until i feel calm enough to at least try to sleep, and to avoid taking naps throughout the day since that’ll just leave me with way too much energy at night 

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Hi! How are you doing? ^^ ☆

Just wanted to know if you could make a headcanon about how would it be like after an argument with Armin? Please

Tysm for reading me, I love your work ♡♡♡

You're so sweet and nice ♡ of course I'd love to do one and tbh we must be on the same wavelength because i was just thinking about that yesterday!!!

I really liked your idea so imma do both a scenario and a headcanon! Hope you don't mind?

After an argument with Armin

{ Armin x reader | tw: hurt/comfort, self-image issues | angst with happy ending | modern }

{ "Moonlit View" byOscar Kleineh 1846 - 1919 }

Being with Armin had its many, many perks, one being that he's really empathetic and understanding, he doesn't assume things without evidence and knows misunderstandings happen.

When facing problems or disagreements, he thinks of a solution, not argue. He rather you work together against the problem than against each other.

Whenever you were in a bad mood he'd assume the best and think of what might have caused it instead of taking it personally, he knows you still love him, he knows you're just stressed. Maybe comfort could help? Maybe a lovely cuddly evening? Or maybe you need some space?

He's just really good at reading people's emotions and handling these situations, thanks to his efforts you both successfully managed to avoid any kind of arguments or fights most couples go through.

Which is why it was a shocking surprise to everyone when Eren got a call from Armin late at night, asking if he can stay over because you two just had, what he described as, the biggest fight.

Eren almost didn't believe him at first, he thought Armin was playing a prank on him. But then he heard the quivering in his voice and the hiccup that followed. Armin was crying, things were serious.

The last thing he said to you while putting his coat on was "I'm sorry, I'm weak, you and I know that."

Him saying that, in that tone, with those tearful eyes, made you want to get up and yell at him that no he isn't. He shouldn't just say that about himself like it's a fact and not just the results of years of self-doubt.

You wanted to hug him, to pull him closer till all those awful thoughts leave his head, till he sees at himself like how you see him, incredibly brave and determined.

But you didn't, you stayed there on the couch as he put his shoes on. His eyes pleading for you to say something, anything. To tell him to stay, to come sit near you. He even looked at you one last time before opening the door.

As you stared at him in silence, the realisation that you don't even remember what you were fighting about hit you, you can't, how could you? The minute the door closed behind him is when you realised how real the situation is.

How quiet the house is.

Has it always been this cold?

And just how much worried you are about him.

It hasn't been a full minute and you're missing him already.

—

It's 4am

It's hours since he left, how much exactly? You can't even remember.

Still haven't moved from the couch, you're not sure what you're feeling, you've been going through different emotions each hour.

Guilt, sadness, regret, anger, denial, pessimism, you name it.

It doesn't matter, none of that really matters to you right now. It's Armin who you've been worried about for a while that matter.

You know for a fact Eren and Mikasa aren't the most emotionally open people, you know Armin is already struggling with letting out his emotions without feeling needless guilt or shame.

You know he needs someone right now, he needs a shoulder to cry on and a reassuring voice. You've been both these things for him since even before you got together.

Just like he has been these things for you too. You need that someone just as much now. You didn't even know it's possible to feel this lonely.

Is he also thinking about you? Is he sleeping soundly on Eren’s couch? Or is that one stain from last week's party bothering him?

...is he just as miserable as you are right now? Probably not, you think. He's far stronger than he gives himself credit for, you know that better than everyone else.

Your thought process gets interrupted by a buzz from your phone, a text. Your eyes light up, you pull the blanket you dragged from the bed tighter around you, it's Armin.

[ hey ] it said, [is it okay if i call you?]

You reply back, he starts typing again, you stare at those three dots like your life depends on them.

[Okay, give me a minute please ]

You pull the phone closer to you, it's brightness contratsing against the dark living room. Some minutes pass...nothing, you feel your heartbeat rising. Phone still clutched in your hands.

It rings, it doesn't get past the second ring before you've pressed the accept button. You can hear the wind on the other side, alongside the distant sound of passing cars. Your heart only slows down after hearing the fimilar and oh so lovely sound of soft breathing

Suddenly the world doesnt seem so dim anymore.

"Sorry, it took more time than i thought, Eren keeps his keys in really weird places...I hope i didn't make you worry"

Oh If only he knew..

Dozens of possible replies run through your mind.

I missed you, did you miss me too?

Please come back, I hate feeling this lonely.

How does it feel to take my heart and run away?

Was your voice always this captivating or am i just high on sleep-deprevation?

I miss your kisses, i wish i could feel your lips against mine. Could you kiss me through the phone?

...in the end, you settle for "It's okay" you say, "It's alright."

"That's good...hey listen." You listen, "I'm not going to skirt around the subject, i called because" he takes a deep breath, "i want to apologise for how i acted, for what i said, both to you and myself."

Hearing him admit to his faults and own up to his mistakes, fills you with courage to do the same. You apologise, you mention how you've been thinking about him, you leave out the embarrassing parts.

You tell him you love him, and miss him.

You're met with silence. So you call out his name.

"Wait..you're not mad at me?" He says.

What? Mad? You?

"No." You say. "Why would you think that?"

You hear a chuckle that evolves into a laugh, it's contagious.

"Fuck...oh god I'm...im so stupid, i left because I thought you were mad and didn't bother you more by making you look at me." Even he seems to realise just how ridiculous that concept is.

It's 5am now, you're both laughing over the phone. The world is good again.

You ask if he's mad at you.

He instantly replies with a no.

"I could never be mad at you..." he says, "I love you so much it hurts. I love you like I've never loved anyone else before that it terrfies me, I'm scared one day I'll wake up and you won't be beside me anymore, you've made me love myself in ways i never though i would, you made me believe in myself because you believed in me."

{ Headcanons }

After an argument, Armin tries giving both of you space to calm down.

It doesn't last long because he will approach you after and talk about his emotions and explains why he did the things he did. He will also apologise for the things he did wrong like yelling or saying something hurtful.

If you give him the okay, he will instantly hug you. Physical touch is a great comfort for him so don't expect him letting you go anytime soon.

He will hold your face gently, tell you how much he missed you despite it being only hours.

Doesn't even care about the argument anymore or attempt to bring it up, he just wants to make up asap.

You're both gonna have a heartfelt conversation and actually process your emotions together. As a result you two come out stronger and closer after each argument.

He doesn't hold grudges, so he won't ever act passive aggressive after an argument. if he's got a problem he will tell you.

Just 100% honestly and transparency with this golden boy.

Will want to spend more time together post argument, he will really love it if you watch something together or you let him read you something.

Give him love and affaction, he loves you deeply it's actually rare these days.

When you go to sleep on those nights, he will hold you tighter and stroke your back.

He doesn't hold grudges yet he still remembers each fight you had and instead of it being a sour memory, he thinks of it as a learning block. Just a step towards understanding each other more.

Pamper him more after an argument and he will feel so loved, hearts in his eyes as you brush his morning hair.

[joonie-beanie]

(Bonus) The Undateables + their reaction to you having a nightmare

Since some people were interested, I went ahead and wrote reactions for the rest of the characters too!

[The Demon Brothers’ Reactions]

Diavolo:

The Demon Prince may not act it, but he’s typically quite busy.

Even in the middle of hosting the humans, angels, and demon brothers in his home for the night, he’s forced to split his time between his duties, and being a proper host.

Unfortunately, balancing these tasks causes him to be awake until quite late--3am, to be exact.

By then, the castle has gone quiet. The voices of his guests have faded--indicating their slumber. However--

Diavolo pauses when he walks past one of many lounges, and spots you curled up at one end of a couch--the flames from the fireplace flickering in your glazed over eyes.

You look exhausted, and yet, you’re battling yourself to stay awake.

“Y/N,” he speaks softly, padding into the room. You jump--wide eyes flitting to him with worry.

“I-I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be roaming around this late--”

“No, no, I do not mind,” he says with a small chuckle, seating himself on the couch beside you. He flashes you a gentle smile. “I was simply surprised to see you here. Why are you up so late?”

“I...,” he sees your cheeks go pink, and your eyes move to stare at the fireplace once more. “I had a bad dream...”

Clearly, you’re a little embarrassed to be admitting to him that something like a scary dream is what’s keeping you from going back to bed, but Diavolo is nothing but understanding.

“Ahhh, I hate when nightmares get in the way of a good nights rest.” He frowns and crosses his arms--glancing up at the ceiling as he ponders what he can do to help.

“If you don’t mind, I’d be more than happy to stay the night with you. I know having the comfort of another person nearby can be helpful.”

You can tell from his kind demeanor that he has no motive aside from genuinely trying to help you, and you get all warm inside.

You’d never have imagined receiving an offer like this from a literal Demon Prince, but...”I think I would like that.”

Nodding, Diavolo is quick to swoop you into his arms. With barely a sliver of his power, he manages to teleport you back into your room, and you blink in surprise as he sets you in bed, and then seats himself beside you.

“Sleep, Y/N,” you feel his hand against your hair, and suddenly your eyelids feel quite heavy. Within seconds, you’re fast asleep (you’re not sure if he had used more of his power, or if it’s just because the Demon Prince is so damn comforting, but either way, you’re out like a light)

True to his word, Diavolo stays with you the whole night, and you wake up in the morning to find his arm loosely curled around your torso.

Barbatos:

The demon butler tends to get up early in order to prepare for the day.

He sees to it that things are prepared for his Lord, and any guests. Today, he’ll need to prepare breakfast for the exchange students as well.

His Lord had invited them to stay the night after a casual check-in on their experience in the Devildom had turned into a night of drinking and tale-telling.

It’s just past 5AM when Barbatos makes his way into the kitchen. However, he quickly realizes that he’s not alone.

You’re sat in a window nook in the corner of the room, a cup of coffee cradled between your hands as you stare out into the yard.

“Y/N,” he speaks your name whilst approaching, and Barbatos watches you blink out of your haze--your eyes shifting over to look at him.

“I’d say good morning, but I get the feeling you haven’t gotten much sleep,” he comments with good nature, smiling pleasantly. The corner of your lips twitch. “Do you have a hangover?”

It’s not like your group had been overly zealous the night before, but perhaps you’re easily affected by alcohol.

“No, just a nightmare,” you say with a sigh, taking another sip from your coffee. Barbatos eye’s lighten with sympathy.

“May I join you?”

You nod, scooting over to make room for him. He seats himself beside you, crossing his legs, and looking over to you pleasantly.

“At the very least, I can help you take your mind off of it. I have some time before I need to start preparing breakfast.”

“Thank you, Barbatos.”

The two of you chat for a while, talking about things that don’t really matter. Barbatos is careful to keep the questions and topics simple, and his efforts seem to pay off, because at some point, your words begin to slur.

Your body slumps, head landing onto his shoulder, and Barbatos pauses.

He was hoping to help you get back to sleep, but he hadn’t expected you to fall asleep on him.

Unfortunately, he’s grown to have a soft spot for you, and doesn’t have the heart to move.

Sighing, he leans himself against the window frame and closes his eyes.

Diavolo finds the two of you asleep together in the nook two hours later, and is sure to take many, many pictures before he decides to wake you up.

Simeon:

The angel is drawn out of his sleep by a small cry.

Rubbing at his eyes, he glances over to his DDD and sees that it’s just past 2AM. That’s strange. Usually he has no trouble sleeping soundly--

“Nnn!”

Eyes widening, Simeon suddenly remembers that he’s not alone tonight. You’re curled beneath a blanket on the couch in his dorm room. He and the other residents of Purgatory Hall had invited you over for a movie night, and you’d ended up opting to stay the night.

So, of course, Simeon had offered to let you room with him. (Like a proper gentleman).

However, now it unfortunately seems like you’re having a nightmare.

Flinging himself out of bed, Simeon hurriedly makes his way to your side. He cups your warm face with his hand, frowning as he he spots the tears blotting the corners of your eyes.

“Y/N,” he calls your name softly, but it’s enough to draw you from your dream.

Inhaling a deep breath, your eyes shoot open. You jolt to sit up, and immediately Simeon is holding you--drawing a hand between your shoulder blades as he attempts to comfort you.

“Shhh, you’re okay,” he coos, and your hands lift to grip against his shirt. Your heart is still racing, but him being there is a huge relief.

“Thank you,” you sigh after a few long minutes, and you feel Simeon shake his head. If it was in his power, he would have loved to protect you from bad dreams in the first place.

“Would you....would you mind joining me in the bed?” he asks, his cheeks feeling a little warm as he leans back to look at you. He places a hand against his neck, feeling a little foolish. “I would feel better if you were close. I don’t want you to have another bad dream.”

For a moment, you can only stare--processing everything he’s just said. Then, you smile, and nod your head. “Sure, Simeon. I would like that too.”

Relieved, Simeon beams at you, and you gasp quietly as he scoops you into his arms.

Moments later, you find yourself beneath his sheets, with the Angel tucked tightly against your back. 

“Is this okay?” you nod at his question, relaxing against him. Simeon relaxes as well, allowing his eyes to close.

Knowing that the angel is nearby, you manage to get back to sleep. And in the morning, you wake up with Simeon’s arms hugged around your waist.

Solomon:

The sorcerer is on his way home from the House of Lamentation in the wee hours of the morning when he walks past your room, and notices that the door is ajar.

Pausing, he curiously glances inside. Your bed is messy--covers thrown to the side, and pillow on the floor beside the bed. 

A little worried, Solomon double checks his DDD. It’s only 4am. Where would you be?

“Solomon?” your quiet voice rings out from behind him, and he turns to find you standing a short way up the hall. Your arms are hugged to your chest, cold sweat beading on your brow.

“Are you alright?” he asks, frowning. “I got worried when I saw your door open.”

“I...I had a nightmare, and...,” you motion behind you, still looking a little dazed. “Went for a short walk to try and ground myself...what are you doing here?”

“Asmo,” he says simply, not explaining further. After all, right now he’s more concerned about you.

Stepping forward, he reaches out and rests his palm on your hair. The contact makes you glance up at him, and he can see how tired you are. Your body needs more rest, but you’re too scared of falling asleep again.

“I know a spell that might help,” he says, a little mirth in his voice, and before you can ask, you feel his lips press against your forehead.

You freeze in surprise, and punch him lightly in the stomach when you hear his laughter.

“Asshole,” you push him aside and trudge back into your room. However, Solomon follows you--watching as you pick up your sheets and rearrange yourself back on your bed.

Once you’re settled, he joins you--sitting against the edge of the mattress.

“Would you like if I stayed?”

His voice is tender--understanding in his eyes as he regards you. As much as you hate him for that little move earlier, you can’t lie to yourself--you’d feel better if he stuck around.

“You can use my shower,” you mumble, rolling over and showing your back to him. “I don’t want you getting my sheets dirty.”

“Rude,” he comments, but nonetheless stands and moves to use your bathroom. You hear him turn the water on, and by the time Solomon reemerges into your bedroom, you’re fast asleep.

He ends up snuggling in beside you anyway. 

The next morning, Asmo spots him sneaking through the front doors at 9am, and is very confused.

(Bonus!) Luke:

When Luke notices you tossing and turning, he’s quick to jump to his feet and move to check on you.

You’d fallen asleep in the Purgatory Hall common area after a study session, but he and the others had decided to let you be. 

Eventually, Simeon and Solomon had gone to do their own thing, but Luke had stayed behind to greet you once you were through with your nap.

Unfortunately, it seems your nap has turned into a nightmare.

“Y/N!” he’s a little frantic with worry as he calls for you--his hands gripping your shoulders and attempting to shake you awake.

It works, and after a few seconds your eyes slide open--hand raising to press at your heart as you regain your sense of reality.

“Are you okay?” he hangs close to your side, his hands hovering near you. He’s never dealt with someone having a nightmare before, so he’s a little anxious. He wants to help you in any way that he can.

“I-I’m fine, Luke,” you flash him a half-hearted smile that makes his chest ache. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep...”

“It’s okay! We wanted you to rest!”

The angel presses to his feet, his hands fisting at his sides. He feels useless right now, and that bothers him.

“Ah! Simeon knows a celestial realm recipe for some calling tea! I’ll get him to teach me!”

He turns and starts to run from the room, but ends up pausing, and turning back to look at you. After a moment of internal debate, he darts back over to the couch and throws himself at you.

You grunt as his body weight lands against your chest--the tiny angel giving you a tight squeeze.

Then, he pulls back with pink cheeks, and scurries away.

You’re left sitting there in shock, but after a few moments, you laugh.

You feel a little better already.  

[The Demon Brothers’ Reactions]

[journalsbydee]

Navigating post-natal depression as a woman of colour

Having been a mum to 2 boys, nothing exceeded the joy of finding out that l was expecting a baby girl. Intombikayise (daddy's little girl) we would fondly call her.

The pregnancy certainly wasn't a great one as l experienced severe symptoms such as a heightened sense of smell, nausea and hypersalivation. I struggled with doing laundry and cooking due to the smells associated with washing powder and onions. I carried with me a container everywhere l went, for spitting saliva. Despite all the struggles associated with my pregnancy, l still found joy in knowing that l was expecting a girl child.

Fast forward to the 1st of April, we gladly welcomed our little girl. Our hearts were so full of joy. The nursing staff were really amazing to us and they offered help whenever l needed it.

Once l was home, transitioning to a new routine was the hardest. l found myself struggling to adjust. I felt like all my freedom had been taken away. Moreover,after helping me out for a while, my husband had to go back to his workplace which was a bit far from home, which meant that he would be away from home for a month. There was no other way of doing it. He needed to go to work in order to help pay our bills. Also, l had since stopped working and we had to rely on one salary.

My daughter struggled to sleep at night. She would cry the whole night and sleep at 5am everyday. 7am, l would have to wake up and prepare my boys and drop them off to school. This meant that l had to wake the baby up at a time she had started to sleep.

The struggle continued. With sleep deprivation and no support, l began to feel that l wasn't coping. I lost motivation for anything. I started having temper. I withdrew from people that l knew and stopped doing the things l loved like taking care of myself and just cleaning the house. I felt sad all the time. I battled taking good care of my little one. I got to a point were l felt like l was forgetting a lot. I was too exhausted and did not like myself due to the body changes that resulted to pregnancy and giving birth. I felt misunderstood and perceived as one who did not like people yet no-one could see what l was going through. Surely our world can become a better place if we judged less.

It felt great when my husband was around but as soon as he left, l went back to my dark shell. I was engulfed with sadness and felt a sense of emptiness.

I was never diagnosed with Post-natal depression but due to my background in nursing l understood what l was going through. I feared seeking psychological help because l did not want to take any mental health tablets or to be taken away from my kids.

After some few months, l moved to a different city and there started to make friends. I started to open up to a few ladies around me some of which happened to have babies like me, and together we started going out weekly for breakfast, kids playdates and other exciting activities. Connecting with my sisters and my family members from far places, telephonically and through social media, helped a great deal. Some offered to take care of my kids so l could get some time off. I owe my life to all these powerful women.

I also started creating digital products and selling them online. I got involved in church activities and my social circle started growing. Dedicated time for personal, meaningful devotions and prayers. Read the bible and found solace in knowing about His unconditional love for me.

It was at this point that the meaning of self-care started to make sense. Every evening when my little girl slept, l would take a warm bath alone, away from the noise and that worked wonders. During the day, l napped while she slept instead of doing my daily chores. I felt more relaxed and revitalised. My mood started to improve. Gradually, I became emotionally available to my children and husband.

Since then, l feel more happier. I have come to understand that overworking yourself can never make you a great mum. Listening to your body is so important. If you feel burnt out, pause a little bit and take a break from your routine. Creating time for yourself as a mum should never be regarded as being selfish. It's either you take a break from your busy life or you will be broken emotionally and mentally and you won't be of good use to anybody even to yourself.

I write this as a woman of colour,who comes from an African background were traditionally, as a black woman, you are praised for being able to juggle across your role of parenting,career, wife and doing domestic duties without anyone helping you. The expectation for you to deliver your role is extremely high.Nothing much is spoken about post- natal depression, the effects of burning out and the significance of self-care for women. In my mind, l used to think that post-natal depression does not exist. According to statistics 1 in 5 women experiences anxiety and depression during pregnancy and after.

I think its high time that narrative changes. To the modern african woman of today, start prioritising your mental well-being for the betterment of your family. Seek professional help if need arises.

You can strategically plan your self-care activities without interfering with your family programs. Do not deprive yourself of the things you enjoy doing. Strive for creating a balanced lifestyle.Once in a while take yourself for a massage, catch up with your girl friend/s or you could enjoy a 5minute alone time just sipping your favourite drink. Accepting to be helped is also vital. Watch your favourite TV show. Eat healthy. Exercise. The list is endless.

[itoldsunset]

on writing itsay as a team

[the talk is recorded here, and i’m translating it in chunks and trying to organize by theme. most of the posts won’t be this long.]

so the core writing team for itsay had four people: p’boss, p’kade, p’junior, and goy. and they also worked with p’jokang [i’m just making an assumption that everyone is older than me and calling them p’ unless i know otherwise] who was responsible for the chinese parts of the script. [side note: p’kade said she’s staying on for part 2, p’junior isn’t because he’s a flight attendant and it’s too exhausting, and goy has said on instagram she’s not on for part 2. i don’t know who the other two writers will be?]

some background: p’boss, p’kade, and p’junior all went to university together [where p’kade and p’junior were the same year and p’boss was one year above them] and that’s where they met and they worked together on a lakorn at university [i don’t know if it was theater or film, i can’t understand the words they used lol].

here are some general things they had to say about their writing team, process, and experiences [not necessarily all in order since some of them are from different parts of the talk]:

p’kade said the most intense parts of the writing process lasted about 3-4 months, where they saw each other pretty much everyday. during quarantine, they would be on conference calls together for 8-9 hours a day.

p’junior said there had to be constant communication and updates so no one on the team ever fell behind. if they were going to keep something or get rid of something, it had to be unanimous. they had to move forward together with every step. he said the team process didn’t make them slower, but it brought new and interesting ideas and since each person came with different experiences. a straight man would have one experience, a gay man would have another, a woman would have another, everyone helped bring their own experiences out to the center.

p’kade said p’boss assembled the writing team really well, because between the four of them, they all come with different personalities, experiences, and skills. so whenever they worked together, they would bring different ideas to the table, which was exciting and resulted in something that came out well-balanced, solid, and multidimensional.

p’junior said, “for example, goy is very good at getting the characters’ inner feelings because she’s an actress. she knows that this is how a character would act, and what does a character need to face in order to cry. kade is very good at details that add cuteness to the story. and as for me, i like things that are over the top and ridiculous, and i’ll throw those ideas in without holding back, so other members of the team can either toss them out or bring them down a notch. for example, the scene where teh and tarn kiss, i threw in ideas like what if they use a green colored pencil to color a tree, or a red colored pencil to color a fingernail, make it ridiculous, and then the rest of the team can bring it down, but i like to go big first.”

p’kade said that the members of the core writing team don’t actually screenwrite as their main jobs. p’kade said it’s her first time screenwriting, p’junior is a flight attendant, and goy is primarily an actress. because they didn’t screenwrite as their main jobs, they gave it their all for this project, because they didn’t know when their next chance would be. p’kade said she thought maybe it was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, so she gave it everything: “i wanted myself to feel, and the audience to feel, everything.”

p’junior said, “in terms of tastes, i like to see the audience cry, sorry. because i like to cry when i’m watching tv, i really like it because it gives me a sense of relief. like i feel the pain of the characters, but i always get something back in return. it’s good to smile, but if we don’t see the hardships along the way, it’s not as satisfying. so i wanted to cry with this story--not necessarily even make the audience cry, while we were writing it--but i wanted to cry. i wanted to see this kid [teh] experience things that make him learn, and i wanted to learn with him too. because in the beginning we didn’t know what he was going to encounter. so it became fun--that was the starting point. we all wanted to see how we could make the story fun, that’s why everyone gave it their all. during that time, everyone had this intense energy because p’kade was calling various university faculties about the types of options they had for admissions, whether they had a direct entry option, so that she could present it to p’boss that day. as for me, i was flying [as a flight attendant], and when i had to sleep at the hotel, i also had to wake up to write. there really wasn’t a lot of time for sleeping. i had to call and interview high school students who were getting ready to enter university, and i would make those calls on the skytrain, and they would hear the name of the next station being announced. it was exhausting, but no one wanted to give in.”

p’kade: “we really wanted to win [op: as in overcome the challenge or something like that]. for example, goy during that time was shooting two different lakorns while also writing with us. we would be in a meeting together until 3am, and goy would go to her set at 6am. it was the kind of intense energy where if we didn’t get to do it today, we didn’t know when we’d get to do it again.”

p’junior: “i have to thank the director. because if p’boss had said, it’s okay, go home and sleep and let’s talk in two days, we might not have gotten this far.”

p’kade: “p’boss is someone who has a lot of energy, and when we’re with someone who has that much energy, we gain some of that energy too. p’boss is someone who works very hard, and someone who has a lot of energy, and because it was like that, we ended up becoming that way all together. and it became a working team that i really, really like.”

p’junior: “for the last episode, where we needed the chinese admissions exam, i told jokang we needed it at around 9pm one night, and expected that he would get back to me in the next couple of days. he sent the exam back to me at 5am the next morning, he was up all night writing it. and he explained where the question about xīn could come up, gave advice about how to arrange the questions, told me everything. and i feel like it’s a way of transmitting energy, when you see someone with that intense level of energy, you’re ready to jump in with them too.”

p’kade: “jokang is someone who answers line at all times. no matter what it is, if i’m writing a part in chinese and i want something [p’junior interjects: at 2am], yeah, jokang will send it as a pdf and circle the words and explain them in great detail to me. it made my work easier and it made me understand, as someone who doesn’t work with the chinese language. when i see this [level of dedication], it motivates me to work hard and create something great, because everyone else is working hard too.”

[100layersofdaddyissues]

Angel - Chapter 3

ITS HERE ITS FINALLY HERE IM SO SORRY. UGH THAT TOOK SO LONG.

but there it is chapter three. I literally wrote most of this chapter while i was in the lobbies of among us games. 

Warnings: Smut, swearing nothing too bad this chapter. 

words: 4.2K!!!!!!!

As the sun rose on the city, your alarm decided to screech its ugly voice across the whole apartment. Why you had decided that waking up at 5am, when you didn’t start work at your new job in Lord Industries at 9am, was absolutely beyond you. You chalked it up to nerves. I mean sure, you were fucking the owner and CEO but that doesn’t mean you’re going to become complacent about this position. Not only were you working in the largest company in most of the country, but you were also Head Marketing for your city’s division. 

           You started your day as you would any other workday, groaning and convincing yourself that leaving bed was worth it. After that, it was coffee and shower time, and if you were lucky you could throw in a cigarette on the balcony, and since you didn’t need to leave for another 4 and a half hours you thought you might just test your luck with multiple. 

Halfway through your shower you heard the phone ringing, you trudged out to the phone wondering who in god’s name was calling at 4:23am. To your great (and welcomed) surprise, it was Darius. “My dearest I’ve been told to inform you that I will be picking you up today, I’ll be at your door by 7:30. So, be ready.” 7:30? That was a whole hour before you were planning on leaving the comfort and security of your new home. 

           “Darius, I didn’t think we started until 9am why are you picking me up so early?” you queried. 

“Well, it seems Maxwell doesn’t want you catching a cab but also did not offer for me to take you both so obviously this means that I will be picking you up first and making me work extra hard.” 

           Oh. he doesn’t want to ride with you to work. You considered that it was perhaps because he didn’t want to incite rumors, but you found it strange, but nonetheless you told Darius that this would be fine and that you would see him at 7:30. An hour early. 

Only you didn’t see Darius at 7:30, in fact you didn’t even see him at 8, it wasn’t until 8:15 hit that you heard any word from him. “Darius I was just about to call a cab you never came? Is everything okay?” 

“Well, it seems Mr. Lord has contracted an illness, called a hangover. I picked him up at 6:30 to get McDonalds. I’ve already dropped him at work, I suspect he’s napping in his office as we speak.” you couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of Max laying on the floor of his office completely passed out. “I’ll be down in a moment, just let me pick out my shoes.” you said back to him, “ahh so I’ll see you by sundown.” Darius quipped back in a lighthearted way. If things ever went belly up with Max, you really hoped you could keep Darius around. 

The ride to the building was filled with the banter you’d become accustomed to with Darius, until you were pulling up to a big silver building, the largest in the city, obviously. You were in absolute shock and awe when you stepped out of the car, you’d thought for a moment in time, ‘woah, this is what ants feel like.’

“Hello ma’am could I see your ID and security badge please?” were the first words you heard when you walked through the doors to the lobby, you stammered over your sentences confused, you didn’t have a security badge, you didn’t realise you’d need one, Maxwell had never mentioned it. “Thank you, Keith, that won’t be necessary, Miss Y/N here is our new head of marketing, I’ve been tasked by Maxwell to escort her to his office.” Darius said coming up behind you. You hadn’t even realised that he had left the car, but here he was escorting you up the escalators. “Ahh yes, I see, of course.” the security guard, Keith, said with a sly smile and a wink. You knew what that meant, and it churned your stomach to think about. How many times had Max given his one-night stands jobs? If he was willing to do it for you, he was willing to do it for others. 

Unfortunately, your question was answered the moment you reached the top floor where Maxwell’s office sat. he had 4, beautiful, well-shaped, pardon your French but devilishly fucking sexy assistants. Why he would need more than one exceptional looking assistant was a question that in itself was the answer. 

“You can’t go in there, Mr. Lord doesn’t like visitors in the morning, he’s especially not looking for new, meat.” one of them all but sneered at you. “Holly if you would quit blabbering, I think I’d like to escort your new head of marketing to your boss if you don’t mind. Will that be okay with you?” Darius was on a roll today in saving you from situations with people. 

As you walked into his office, Maxwell was, surprisingly, upright, on a phone call, drinking coffee and looking all but exasperated. He opened his eyes for only a minute to point at you and then the chair in front of you, and at this Darius left the room and you had no savior from this situation because Maxwell, well, he looked mad. You were worried you’d already done something to upset you and that’s just what you needed right now. An angry man who housing you and providing you job security and most importantly, orgasm security. 

For almost 10 minutes you sat in that chair waiting for Maxwell to be off the phone, never looking up, as to avoid eye contact. When he finally hung up the phone Maxwell stood up, came around the desk and sighed heavily saying, “god I’m glad you’re here,” before all but smashing his lips to yours. Okay. not upset. That’s good, that’s easy to deal with. “I’ve only been here an hour and already I’m just ready to go to your apartment and fuck all my frustration out.” well you weren’t expecting that per se but it’s a welcome surprised. 

“Well, stop me if this is too unprofessional, but you have a perfectly good table to bend me over.” you said, looking up at him through your lashes, trying to look innocent. 

“God you’re incredible woman.” he said pulling you out of your chair and oh would you look at that, bending you over his desk. 

“I really hope you didn’t buy any pants in that shopping haul of yours because having access to your pretty pussy at work is going to work so well for both of us, he said hiking your skirt up just enough so he could pull down your panties, he bent over you until his mouth was hovering at your ear, “you’re going to need to be quiet angel, don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about you now do we?” and before even finishing his sentence his thrust his cock straight into you. It took everything in you to not cry out, but you bit the back of your hand to keep yourself quiet. 

“God it’s only been two days and I missed this pussy, how have I fucked you so hard so often and you’re still this tight? You’re fucking magical, aren’t you? You and your magical cunt are going to kill me, you know that? If I could stop sleeping to have more time to fuck this pussy I would if I could starve myself from food and only eat you dear god I would. So, fucking good.” 

“I thought you said we had to be quiet?” you said to him, with a small smirk on your face that quickly vanished as he spanked your ass a few times, then started thrusting into you with such force you thought you might slip open, he pulled you hair to bring you up against his chest, “that shut you up, didn’t it, you fucking brat,” he said replacing your hair in his hand for your throat. 

Within minutes he was Cumming right into you, he must have realized you hadn’t come yet, only stopping for a split second to pull out, spin you around and replace his cock with his fingers, pushing his cum, back into your cunt, finger fucking you until you were once again about to bite into your hand, when Max switched hands and shoved his cum coated fingers in your mouth to keep you quiet. As you cum around his hand and screamed around the other one, Max could only look at you with lust blown pupils. 

“Well, I think this is the best first day I’ve ever had.” you said to him, completely breathless. 

“It’s about to get better angel, let me show you to your office.” 

He was right, your office did make it better. It was a big, beautiful space, with high ceilings, timber floors and a view to die for, you truly didn’t know how you got so lucky just from a random hookup, but you weren’t but to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

“Max this is absolutely beautiful, did the head of marketing get this office too?” you asked in wonderment. 

Well, actually no, this was my office, but I’ve taken over my father’s office, I think it’s about time I moved into it and you gave the motivation to do so.” his smile was small, but it was sincere, you think that might have been the first sincere smile you’d seen from Max. 

“I’ll let you get acquainted with your new space if you have any questions, my extension is 0204 okay? If any of my assistants give you any grief, just tell them that their bonuses are on the line they’ll smart right up. I promise.” Maxwell gave me a wink and then shut the door. You walked around the room, gingerly touching the walls, the painting, slowly sliding your hand across your desk, you felt a sense of pride wash over you as you sat at your desk, you weren’t really sure what to do first, you searched around your desk for notes, maybe the previous person in your position left. 

Just as you thought you’d found them, your door swung open, a woman with burgundy hair and a bright pink skirt suit walked through the door. 

“Hello sweetheart, I’m here to help you out, I’m your assistant and Mr. Lord told me that you’d be starting today I figured that he wouldn’t have told you anything, so I thought I’d come give you the rundown, I was the last guys assistant too.” she was really perky, very upbeat for 9:13 in the morning. “Oh, you probably think I’m so rude, my name is Sookie, Sookie Amelia Jersey, it’s nice to meet you?” he hadn’t even told anyone your name yet? Okay feeling less special now. 

“y/n my name is y/n y/l/n but just call me y/n, thank you so much I really have no idea what I have to be doing.” you said trying not to sound like you weren’t supposed to be there or that you didn’t know what you were doing. Which you didn’t. But she didn’t need to know that. 

“Well then let’s get right to it.” and with that, you and Sookie started talking business. 

 It seemed like the time was going so slow, that was until the door swung open once again, only this time Darius stood at the door, coffees, and an ominous brown bag. “I knew you wouldn’t have eaten, so I’ve brought sustenance, oh hello Miss Jersey.” Darius really just knew everyone, maybe he’s a wizard. 

“Darius you are absolute life saver, I think you might be the love of my life.” you said with utter certainty that Sookie now probably thinks there’s something going on between you guys. Ahh if only she knew. 

“And you are mine, dear, but before we begin planning the wedding might I suggest food?” he places the coffee down on the table and what you can now see are croissants. Hmm, 4 coffees, 4 croissants. And as if on cue Darius mutters that he’ll be back as he needs to deliver Max his lunch. 

“I didn’t realise you were already in with Darius. That man took me four years to crack, another two for him to start bringing me food, and here you are on your first day on a first name basis? Who did you fuck to get that treatment?” oh god had she caught on? Does this happen a lot? Does Max give jobs to everyone he fucks? Your mind is running a million miles an hour when you sheepishly laugh and tell some lie about how Darius was an old friend. She seemed to buy it as she moved on to talking more about marketing and what you’ll need to do. 

Soon it was the end of the day and Darius was back at your door telling you to meet him at the car. You said goodbye to Sookie and apologized for stopping her from working. 

You left the building and walked to the car seeing Maxwell in the back of the car. Oh. so now he’s good enough to go home with you but not to come to work with you. You see how it is. 

           You greeted him as you entered the car only for him to point at the phone, you looked at Darius in the rear-view mirror and you both shared a look between you that said, “here we go.” 

           Maxwell was on the phone the entire ride back to your apartment, only removing the receiver from his ear to say, “wear something classy I’ll be back at 7.” 

           What? 

           Its Maxwell Lord, you decided it would be safer for you to heed his warning and just wait to find out what happens. Maybe he just wanted to fuck someone high class tonight. 

            As it neared closer to 7 you kept meticulously checking your hair and makeup, making sure there was nothing on the red gown you’d chosen to wear. You really hoped you would figure out what was going on first, so you didn’t need have anxiety waiting to find out. 

           Just before you could contemplate jumping off the fire escape there was a sharp knock at the door, and a very sharply dressed Maxwell. 

           “Hello angel, I’m here to escort you to your first lord industries gala. You look incredible and I am definitely going to ravish you later, but we really should be going.” he all but pulled your arm out of its socket as he led you out of your door towards the elevator 

           “I don’t mean to sound clueless, but what gala? I haven’t been told about a gala?” you said to him, sounding slightly timid. 

           “Oh? Did I not tell you? We’re having a gala to celebrate the surplus budget this quarter and has my new head of management I thought it only proper to escort you there myself. Plus, there will be some CEOs from rival companies there, I do love to gloat to my competitors.” there was a new air around Max, he looked more pristine and confident. Tonight, was going to be intense you could already feel it. Even on the drive over he was, happier? Maybe he really did just get a kick out of showing off. You understood that. You couldn’t lie and say that it didn’t excite you to be walking in on Maxwell’s arm. To have all eyes staring at you wondering who you were and what you were doing with him. 

           As you arrived at the gala there was a slew of cameras lining a beautiful gold carpet. “We always go with gold because red is overdone, and Lord Industries is revolutionary. Were made of gold baby.” well that explained it. Not that you were questioning it, he did seem like the type to break the mould when it comes to luxury. I mean he was housing you just for the luxury of having convenient sex. It just seemed to fit Max really.

           Exiting the car, the barrage of flashes and yelling hit you like a wall, it was a wonder you didn’t freeze up under the pressure, but you walked next to Max with all the poise and confidence you could muster. The photographers were yelling questions at Max, not at you, but they were all asking about you, you kept your head forward and so did Maxwell. He didn’t say anything while walking past them and up the stairs, his expression only changed after entering the building. He turned to you and praised your level of composure before leading you up to two large doors. On the other side you could hear music and chatter, you wondered why you weren’t entering until you heard an announcer say “Folks, I’m sure were all having an absolute stellar time, but I’d like to draw your attention to the man of the hour, Mr. Maxwell Lord.” his voice rang out over large speakers as the doors opened and Maxwell lead you into the ballroom to polite applause. 

           You were stunned at how many people there were standing in the ballroom, you stood there feeling quite awkward at the stares that were being passed your way and the slight glares coming from some of the women, (and a few men) in the room. 

           “My friends and guests, thank you all so much for coming tonight and while I can appreciate that you would all like to go back to drinking my champagne id first like to introduce someone to you, your new head of marketing for Lord Industries, Miss Y/N Y/L/N. I’m sure she’ll fit right in with us and help us continue to be the frontier for this country.” Max had an excellent public speaking voice; he commanded the room, and you couldn’t lie. You got kind of wet seeing him so, for lack of a better word, bossy. 

           Max leaned in and whispered to you, “go mingle, if you need anything Darius will be floating around.” and then he was gone leaving you to your devices. 

           Thankfully, Sookie found you almost immediately, “I just knew he’d leave you floundering the moment you got here, he’s probably already in the bathrooms giving one of his assistants a ‘bonus’ doesn’t worry sweetheart I’ve got you covered ill introduce you to the actual important people.” and so she did. Within the hour you’d met the head of sales, Mary, head of finance, Samuel, and their assistants, Lorelai, and June. she showed you (but absolutely did not introduce you to) the head of Human Resources, Marcus, who was (in her words) a total douchebag, the head of purchasing, Manny, who apparently would want to corrupt you, you didn’t want to ask what that meant but you had some idea and wanted to laugh because if only Sookie knew. By the time you’d met Jenny, lady who ran the coffee shop in the lobby, Darius had found you both and you sighed a breath of relief, you loved Sookie, but you still weren’t too familiar with her. 

           “My dear you look exquisite I told you that you would look amazing in that dress.” Darius said with one of the biggest smiles you’d ever seen him wear. “You’re drunk aren’t you Darius.” you laughed at him; he was wobbling a bit. 

           “Y/N I am offended that you think I would drink at a work function. But yes, I am absolutely sloshed. Galas are the only nights I can get so drunk I can’t walk, and Maxwell doesn’t fire me, he says it’s good for me to let go, I have no idea what he’s talking about. I am very relaxed all the time, who wouldn’t be working for the prince of darkness. Oh god he’s not behind me, is he?” 

           “Darius you’re rambling, he’s not behind you, I haven’t seen you since he left me at the start.” you said trying to get him to stop talking so rapidly.” 

           “Well, my dear he has seen you; he’s been staring at you since Sookie found you.” Darius’ head vaguely pointed to the wall behind him, you stole a glance and sure enough there was Maxwell, talking to someone but not paying attention to them, he was staring right into your soul, it wasn’t a glare or even angry in anyway, but it was intense, like he was trying to read your mind. Somehow you believed he actually might be able to. You gave him a small smile and he nodded his head in your direction. You looked back at Darius, “he’s probably just making sure I don’t embarrass him.” you said trying to write off the fact that he was staring. Trying to convince him it meant nothing. Or yourself that it meant nothing and that there definitely was not butterflies in your stomach. 

           An hour passed as you and Sookie milled around the room, you lost Darius at champagne number three, with him and Sookie both calling you a prude for not drinking, and you telling them every time that you hated champagne and would much prefer tequila. 

           Suddenly a hand tapped you on the shoulder, you spun around expecting Max, or Darius or literally anyone else. But not henry. Not your ex-boss Henry Giorgio. “Y/N it’s so good to see you! I was quite surprised to hear that you had left us, but I can see why, head of marketing and you get to fuck the boss? What a steal!” your eyes widened from shock not just at seeing him but hearing what he said, you grabbed his arm and dragged him towards a wall telling Sookie that you’d be back right away. “What do you mean fucking the boss? I am not sleeping with Mr. Lord and I will not have you come here and try to embarrass me just because I wouldn’t sleep with you.” your voice was low but harsh as you spoke you him. 

           “Oh, please darling, this is Maxwell, every time a new woman under 30 starts at his company everyone knows that it because he’s sleeping with her, but you got head of marketing, you must have really shown him a good time, I mean everyone else just gets assistant jobs, but you, well that must have been a good blowjob.” he was snarky and rude, and you felt like you were going to cry. 

           “Oh, don’t tell me I’ve hurt your feelings, what did you think was going to happen? Maxwell was going to fall for you. Darling I wouldn’t even waste your breath on that idea, that man has never felt love, his fiancée went missing for god sakes and he came home and went to work the very next week. He doesn’t care about you. You could die and he wouldn’t notice.” 

You suspected that Maxwell only hired you because he could fuck you but hearing someone else say it mad tears begin to sting your eyes. You didn’t think you wanted Maxwell to fall for you until that very moment in time. Before you could say anything or think too hard on the subject, you felt someone come up behind you, it was Maxwell, and if you could have tensed up even more. 

           “Is there a problem here Mr. Giorgio, I should hope you’re not trying to steal back our new member of the team.” Maxwell also sounded tense, but you knew better than to think it was because you’d been upset and not because Henry was his rival. 

           “No not at all Maxwell, just giving her my good wishes, is all.” Henry’s voice was dripping in the smug tone you’d heard so many times working for Halo. 

           “Well then if you’re done, I’d like to steal Miss Y/L/N back if you don’t mind.” Henry merely waved Maxwell off but by then you didn’t want to be there anymore, your head was swirling, and you could only feel pity for yourself, you broke away from Maxwell to go find Sookie. 

           “I need to go home, please I want to go home, now.” you were trying so hard not to cry, tears stinging and threatening to spill over as Sookie led you out of the ballroom, and as you passed Darius, him quickly catching on and following. You didn’t see the confused and hurt look on Maxwell’s face.

           After you finally exited, you noticed the cameras had left, and you broke down in Darius’ arms as Sookie called her husband, Jackson, to come pick you all up. Darius gave Jackson the directions to your house, and when Sookie and Darius offered to join you, and take care of you inside you brushed them off giving them a lame apology about going to bed early and that you would see them tomorrow at work.

           As you showered and climbed into bed, you were mad at yourself for getting so hurt, this was just a business arrangement. You weren’t special. And you shouldn’t see Maxwell as special either. But you did. 

           And it sucked.

tags: @mandoalorian-mainblog​ @mrschiltoncat​ @innerstrawberrypolice​ @bonjour-je-mappelle-fuckyou​

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[ssa-daddyhotchner]

Undercover - Chapter 9

Chapter Selection 

I was awakened by Hotch's alarm. I turn around and reach for his phone to turn it off. My headache pounding. It had only been a few hours since we drank. Honestly I was still a little drunk. 

I collapse on him waking him up. "Ughh", I mumble into the crook of his neck. "What is it", That was a dumbass question he knows I'm not a morning person. "Do you really have to ask me that." 

He chuckles, "Yes how would you feel if we took a shower. The hot water would be nice."

I get up and walk into the bathroom and turn on the water. As I'm waiting for the water to heat up I brush my teeth. I feel hands around my waist and lips on my collarbone. 

I look into the mirror and he's standing behind me looking hot even when he first wakes up. 

His head rests on my shoulder then I tug at his hand to get into the shower. I turn him into the water first, he needs it more. I put shampoo into his hair and massage it in. 

"You're good at that", I giggle and then wash it out. "Your turn", he turns me around and washes me. 

We step out of the shower and into the bedroom and I shiver. "Here wear this", He tosses me one of his hoodies. I put it on and I'm met with the smell of mint. 

He gets dressed first and leaves while I get ready. I finish up and walk into the kitchen where he's making breakfast. "Whatcha making?" 

"Pancakes, eggs, and sausage patties. We have a long day ahead of us and this might be the only thing we eat for a while." 

"True, did you start the coffee already." He hands me a cup answering my question.

We talked for a while til we had to leave at 5am for the strip. 

_____________________

When we got there it was 5:45am and Aaron told the pilot that we could leave. The team would be heading down later in the day. I sat on the couch my head resting against the wall. My legs in Aarons lap his hand writing his name up and down my leg. 

"When we get there remember we don't have to hide from the team." The thought brought a smile to my face even though I still didn't want them to know. 

"When we get there, my ass is slamming onto the bed and taken a fucking nap." Aaron chuckled and agreed.

The rest of the fight were spent with small naps and causal conversation. 

We arrived in New York at 7am and it wasn't as busy as it usually is. There was a car waiting for us when we got out the airport and they drove us to the Penthouse. 

Through the street we saw the luxurious building we were staying at. It was 30 stories and our place had two floors. The driver dropped us off and we walked in. 

I put my hand in his and continued walking through the lobby. It had black and white marble floors, a mirror ceiling, gold pillars on the sides with a red carpet going down the center leading to the elevator. 

We walk to the man behind the desk, "Amelia Perez." The man behind the desk began typing into his computer. "You're on the top floor, here's the key card. You need this to use the elevator; It only works for your floor." 

"Thank you, have a nice day." I say while walking away, "You too."

He gives us a smile as we walk into the elevator. The floor numbers slowly rising as we got closer.The doors open and I'm in awe. There are hardwood floors, white walls, a chandelier greeting you once you enter.

Their was a very large balcony with huge glass doors that led outside. With leather sofas and fire pit in center. 

In the living room; white couches, a fire place in front, and one wall is solely for a window. The window extends into the kitchen giving a full view of the city. 

There was a clear view of everything. The sun still rising lighting up the sky with virous colors.

The stairs start from the entrance and go up a wall and the loft extends to the kitchen as well. There is a skylight pointing directly into the living room and another one in the kitchen. 

The loft has a queen size bed, a couch on one wall and a 60 inch tv on the other. The bathroom is black with a single shower and a jacuzzi bathtub. I'm definitely using that later. 

I'm laying down on the couch when I smell something. "What do I smell!", I yell across the room. 

"I'm making food", he yells. "What kind of food, its smells so fucking good" 

"You'll have to see", I didn't wanna get up but I do. Picking myself up off the couch.

I walk into the kitchen and I see tomatoes, eggs, flour, basil. I see him rolling out a dough and making an alfredo sauce with chicken. I gasp; he looks at me and chuckles. "Chicken alfredo?"

He nodded continuing to roll the dough out.

"Are you making your own noodles?" 

"Yes I am." I take a seat on the bar stool watching him. "Well you're just full of surprises aren't you." 

He looks at me and smiles, "You have no idea." I walk behind him and wrap my hand around his waist and kiss his neck. He turns around and nips my cheek.

He finally finishes dinner and we eat. I got a huge bowl almost eating all of it. 

It's 10am when I walk back upstairs and collapse on the bed, falling asleep. I toss and turn until Aaron walks into the room. "Cant sleep?", I groan in response. He sets an alarm for 4:30pm. 

He climbs into bed next to me and pulls me close, his arm snakes around me. I nestle my head into his chest and take a deep breath taking in the smell of his cologne. 

He kisses the top of my head. I feel his warmth and it makes me relaxed. I fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating. Aaron falls asleep to the sound of my steady breathing. 

*beep*beep*beep*beep*

I grumble, "Shut that shit off." Aaron turns off the alarm. "We gotta get up, party is at 6", he says as he nudges me. "Fine", I get up and start getting ready. 

I look through the closet and find a red dress that reaches my calves with a slit up the side that stops at my mid thigh and a pair of red 2 inch heels. 

I throw them on and start to curl my hair loosely. Doing my makeup with a stubble red color lipstick, black eyeliner, and putting on false eyelashes. I get ready in an hour.

I take a step forward walking down the stairs and Aaron looks at me in awe. 

His mouth opens a little, "You look amazing." 

"Thank you, you look great." I say with a smirk. He has his hair set back, wearing a black tuxedo with a bow tie, and black dress shoes. 

He adjusts the Rolex on his wrist. "Take this", he hands me an ear piece to wear for communicating with the rest of the team. "Can you guys hear me?", I ask hoping it works. 

"Yeah we can", the whole team responds. We walk to the door, I put my hands on his bicep going into the elevator.

When we get outside he opens the limo door for me and I climb in with him. 

"Where too" 

"172 Madison Avenue." 

The ride was quiet until Aaron spoke up, "Remember when we get there I'm Christopher Harris, and your Amelia Perez." I nod my head and that's when we get to the party.. 

The driver stops the car, "Thank you." We smile at the driver. 

Hotch opens the door for me and helps me walk out. I grab his hand and he walks me through the lobby. I am approached by the man at the front desk. "Here for the Stalone?"

"Yes sir and which floor is it on?" 

"Top floor." 

I press the top floor and we ride up. The doors open and I notice all the people. He guides me through the crowd, they're all dressed in gowns and suits. 

"Let me guess the bar", I nod eagerly at his words. We get to the bar and he orders us a drink not asking me what I wanted. 

"Do any of you have your eyes on Carmine." I feel a nudge on my right and its Hotch handing me a vodka and coke. 

"How'd you know my drink"

"Lucky guess."

He says while sipping on his scotch. I'm enjoying my conversation while scanning the room searching for Carmine. 

"We have eyes", JJ says into the earpiece. I smile through my words, "Where." 

"Outside in the gazebo, hes guarded by 2 people. You're gonna have to get his attention if you wanna talk to him." Morgan states.

"Well that's just great isn't it, ok follow my lead." I say tugging on Aarons arm.

__________________

I went outside and noticed Carmine was sitting with a few girls and he had two bodyguards in the front.

Hotch was walking behind me when I pushed him back, "Don't fucking touch me asshole." I said loud enough for Carmine to hear; Aaron quickly realized what I was doing. 

"Amelia don't be that way come on give me one more chance and if I mess up again I'll leave you alone", I saw Carmine start to stare at me from the corner of my eye. 

"Fine but talk to me or do that bullshit again and you'll find yourself in the ground." I said sternly and I flipped him off. "Leave me alone, we'll talk later", I walked to the ledge and looked at the skyline. 

Hearing footsteps behind me I turned my head slightly. Got you dumbass. "I noticed the commotion a little while ago, you okay sweetheart?" 

I felt his cold hand on my back. I started to cry, having a tear in my eye when I looked at him. "Yeah I'm okay just pissed off at him. He had the audacity to do that to me, I deserve better."

"Yeah you do. How about you come and sit with me so we can talk a few things over." 

Carmine looks at my neck easily knowing the necklace I'm wearing is worth a few 100 thousand. He sits me down, "After that whole thing, do you have a place you can stay or are you gonna go back home with that asshole." 

"I'll probably go back with him, he might be a dick but he's my boyfriend and it's our place. I'm not gonna leave after one fight."

"So what do you do for a living." 

"I do off shore business." Throwing him a smirk, "If you don't mind my asking. What kind of offshore business." 

"I more or less invest in some privately owned places that do... certain things." He smiles at me while talking into my eyes. The feeling unsettles me making my skin crawl.

He gets up and puts out his hand and looks at me. I grab his hand, "Let's talk about this in private. You can call your boyfriend after we chat", Carmine says with a smirk.

Rossi walks over to Hotch who is sitting at the bar. "Do you see y/n?"

"She was with Carmine outside, they were talking that's all I saw." Morgan looks around from the dance floor with Emily, "We don't see her, she's not outside neither is Carmine." 

Rossi talks into the earpiece, "Garcia I need you to hack the cameras find her now." Garcia searches most of the cameras when she sees me for a few seconds. 

"Second floor far right corner, they're going into a room." 

"Can you get eyes in there", Garcia says no.

I walk into the room following Carmine, he takes a seat on the couch; points telling me to sit. 

"Now I assume you know what my family does for a living", he waits for my answer. 

"I do", he looks at me sternly. 

"How would you like to make some money and invest a little bit", he asks me. I'm just happy he got straight to the point. Maybe this will be over with quicker than I thought. 

"One how much would you like, two maybe i'll think about it", I shrug and look away. 

He had curiosity written all over his face. He speaks up, "I'll give you a call, see how you feel about the arrangement." 

I give him my number, then tells me I could leave. I stand up and walk out through the door and try to find Hotch. 

Garcia spots me on the camera, "She's back and walking towards you Hotch." I see him looking around trying to find me. "Miss me", I walk up to him. 

He looks at me and his face relaxes and he exhales deeply, "Mmm maybe a little". We smile at the comment and he puts a hand on my waist and grabs my hand. "Wanna dance?"

"I'm not the dancing type"

"Well you are tonight." He pulls me to the dance floor. "What'd he say to you in there" 

"Just that we could invest in his little company you know the usual." 

I hear JJ over the mic, "Well that was fast how'd you get him to talk." 

"What can I say? I'm very persuasive", I smirk. Aaron looks into my eyes and turns off our mics. 

"What are you doing", he doesn't say anything. He leans into my ear and whispers. "You were a good girl today maybe I might give you a reward."

My face turns red at the words and he pulls away to look at my reaction. I don't say anything but I give him a kiss on the cheek and I turn the mics back on. 

"Ok babe I'm tired, what do you say we go home", I grab his hand and guide him to the elevator and leave. "You guys stay, behind to track his movements, we are gonna go." 

The team says ok and we get into the car and head back to the penthouse. During the drive we don't say anything. He slides his hand up my leg and places his hand on my thigh. 

I shift a bit and my breathing hitches. He notices and gives my thigh and squeeze then slides in higher up. 

I close my eyes and put my head back against the seat. I felt a sudden cold spot on my leg when I opened my eyes he removed his hand and went to open the door. "Were here", he walked over to my side and guided me out of the car and into the building. 

In the elevator I grab his hand and our fingers intertwine. He smiles but doesnt look at me. 

The doors open and I walk straight upstairs, he goes to follow behind me but I stop him, "You know baby I would really love to fuck but honestly I'm tried." 

He looks at me and chuckles, "Ok princess." He turns around and goes downstairs. I sit on the bed and take off the dress and place it back into the closet. 

I go to take off my bra and there's a sudden relief. I turn on the shower and I smell food but I ignore it. I wash my hair, body, and brush my teeth. 

When I get out of the shower I see the time I was in there for over half an hour. I put on a tight white crop top and some red and black shorts. 

Going down the stairs I noticed Aaron had changed also into some striped pajama pants, he didn't have a shirt on. 

My eyes locked onto his body and I looked him up and down, when my eyes met his there was a smile on his face. 

"Enjoying something", He was holding back a laugh. "Nope nothing, did you make food?" 

I walked over to the couch and turned on a movie. "I did but that's gone now sorry did you want something." 

My stomach grumbled but I wasn't too hungry. 

"Yeah can you get some wine, please and thank you." He walked into the kitchen and grabbed two glasses and poured some wine and gave me a glass. 

"You're welcome", He sat down next to me but I put my legs on his and we started to watch the movie. 

The wine was gone now and we're both a little tipsy. Gradually he would shift on the couch like he was uncomfortable. I nudged him, "Come here." I pulled him up and I opened my legs so he was lying in between them. 

He was moving so his arms were wrapped around my torso and his head was on my chest listening to my breathing. "Better?", he looked at me and hummed

I brought my hands up and put them on his head and started to stroke his hair. His hair was soft and smelled like coconut. 

I noticed he had closed his eyes and was sleeping so I turned off the movie and decided to not wake him up. I set up an alarm and went to sleep. 

I wake to the sound of my alarm; Aaron still laying down on my chest. His breathing is steady, I wrap my arms around him and just hold him. He wakes, sits up, and goes to the bathroom. 

"Well good morning to you too I guess", I mutter but he doesn't hear me. 

My phone starts to ring, "Hey y/n, he already has your number so now we just wait for him to call you guys. You have the day off I guess." JJ said over the phone. I look over at the kitchen and my stomach growls. 

"Ok thanks for the update." From there I hang up the phone and yell out to Aaron 

"Yo!", I don't hear him answer so I yell again. "What!", He finally calls back.

"We have the day off, did you wanna go out or stay in!?", he yells to stay in.

He walks out of the bathroom and into the kitchen for some water. I walk over and sit on one of the stools. 

"So Mr. Chef what's in store today?", his eyes shift over to mine and he chuckles. 

"Well I was thinking something simple like", he pulls out a box of mac and cheese from the cabinet and places it on the counter. 

His phone starts to ring and he steps out of the room. 

I hear shuffling and whisper yelling. I walk over to the door but I don't open it. I hear a quiet stuttering. Then he ends the call and Aaron starts to walk back towards the door.

______________________________

@mac99martin @appleblossoms-posts @oreogutz @donttellanyoneireadfanfiction @marie1115

[funsize-mermaid]

April 15-16, 2021

So last night, I had my first major adulting crisis. Secret na lang kung ano yun. I had Russel comforting me and I got support and advices from kuya @lostwanderingdrifter as I cry while working. Actually I’m almost done sa work na kagabi around 10pm pero I received some sort of a news/request which had me some emotional breakdown and di ko matapos tapos yung work ko until almost 1am. Nakaharap ako sa computer ko attempting to work pero nag sspace out ako talaga kaya lalong tumagal tapos naiyak pa ko. It’s been a while since the last time I cried myself to sleep, actually I don’t want crying myself to sleep coz I get bad headaches the next day, which happened today! Great 🙄

My mom tried to wake me up at 5am kasi mag wowork out ako. Pero I was too tired and walang gana talaga na bumangon. Binalikan pa ko ng kapatid ko around 6am kasi mag Timberland daw sya, baka gusto ko sumama. Pero I didn’t. I woke up around 8:40am having a bad headache and I’m planning to stay in bed all day and binge watch something. My dad went to my room kasi nag vid call yung Lola ko from Canada kasi birthday nya. So wala akong choice to get up and wag ipakitang I have problems. My dad doesn’t know about what’s happening. Then lunch time na ko lumabas ng kwarto kasi nag handa na si daddy ng food namin. After lunch, di padin nawawala sa isip ko ang ganap, so I thought of something na gagawin ko para ma occupied ako. Naglaba ako, naglinis akong buong bahay at natiklop ko na din yung mga nilabahan ko. After doing all those things, I felt better, my head feels better too haha tapos inisip ko nalang na maging positive and convicing myself na tama yung naging decision ko.

And now, I’m okay na. A little bit tired coz I did a lot of things today hahaha na di ko inexpect na magagawa ko mag isa lang talaga. I’m just waiting na makauwi si Russel from duty ☺️💙 I miss my bb. 🥺 Char clingy. AYUN LANG NAMAN ANG SUMMARY NG DALAWANG ARAW KO.

It’s not always sunshine and rainbows talagang may gloomy day din tayo but we need to stay positive always 💕 Goodnight y’all 😘

[evenings-peripeteia]

12/6/2020 Sunday 9:35pm

I hate everything and everyone. Most importantly myself. Should just fucking kill myself with how easily I get angry now days. Good riddance to everyone. Will feel bad for the pain it’ll cause my family for a bit, but fuck everyone else. The family will get over it in time too. Not like they can’t see this coming. Big fucker shocker, am I right? Where will Jesse be in 5 or 10 years? In the fucking ground as some ash.

12/12/2020 Saturday 7:55pm

Had my doctors appointment on Thursday. Got out on antidepressants and also anxiety medicine. Will see how that goes. Before I left I asked about the spots on my neck and now have to go back in a week and few days to do blood work because they think it’s elevated sugar levels (aka, diabetes). Welp, shocker considering it’s genetic and I’m also 275lbs and drink almost nothing but soda. I know I joked about eating myself into an early grave, but would rather die quicker than that

12/19/2020 Saturday 8:41pm

I lied. I still want to die. Fingers crossed I fall asleep tonight and just never wake up.

12/24/2020 Thursday 11:10pm

Haven’t been writing here as much since I’m not as stressed from work since I’m on vacation. Still wouldn’t mind disappearing. If I could push a button the would make my family forget I ever existed and also put Yen & Shani in a good home, I’d immediately push that button and then kill myself. That button totally exists, right?

12/25/2020 Friday 11:06pm

Merry Christmas. I didn’t get my present I wished for in my last post. Guess just gonna have to kill myself instead

1/5/2021 Tuesday 3:32am

Still off work. It will be awful when I get back I’m sure. Have a follow up doctors appointment on Thursday for new antidepressants and anxiety medcien, and get blood work to probably find out I’m diabetic. I don’t know if the medicine is working, so who the hell knows.

12/31/2020 Thursday 11:25pm

So I’ve done nothing to prepare to try and sell my home, but if I do end up selling it, then I can have some extra cash to put into a life insurance policy. Then I can start my two year count down. But doubt I’ll get my shit together to sell the house.....

1/5/2021 Tuesday 3:34am

Still off work and go back next week. Know it will be awful but I have no one to blame except myself for wasting my time off like always. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday for how my antidepressants and anxiety medicine is doing as well as blood work results to see if I’m likely diabetic or not. I don’t have a good answer if the medicine is working or not, like always. I feel it makes me more numb than anything, so I guess that drowns out the overwhelming suicidal feelings, but the thought are definitely still there.

1/11/2021 Monday 4:45pm

First day I was suppose to be back at work and I put I was out of office on my calendar last minute because I couldn’t get to sleep until 5am last night. I’ll have to go back tomorrow no matter what though. Already panicking. Will be awful. I had my doctors appointment follow up where found out I’m not diabetic, but I am grossly unhealthy and if I don’t diet and exercise, I’ll eat myself into an early grave soon. Shocker. I wasn’t joking when I said I’d eat myself to death all those times. Depressed? Eat and sleep, rinse and repeat. Then kill myself.

1/24/2021 Sunday 10:44pm

Haven’t posted here in almost 2 weeks. I may be doing “better” now that they doubled my antidepressants medicine, but I’m still not doing well. I’m emotionally mature, I can’t bring myself to do anything I need to, I still get angry easily and can’t interact well with people, I have awful road rage. So I don’t want to die as much, but still wouldn’t mind if I never woke up. I’m just more numb while typing this instead of being overwhelmed and wanting to break down crying and kill myself.

1/31/2021 Sunday 11:59pm

Have my follow up anti depressants call this Friday. I don’t know what to say even though they’ve doubled it. I’m still depressed and angry all the type. Had a few road rage incidents the past week and hate myself. It’s so pathetic I can hardly leave my house. Not as suicidal lately, but still think I should just die.

[ontochristine]

02.01.21

Two weeks since EK’s birthdate. I had hoped to write this sooner, while things were still fresh, but I’m learning that newborn care takes a lot of attention!

To recap my labor & delivery...

My EDD was 1/29. Up until January’s Kaiser appointments, EK had been measuring a little larger so we all thought he’d come sooner. Then Jan’s appointments showed he was back on track. It was both good and disappointing news. Work picked up after the holidays and my coordinator just started, so I needed the time to catch her up and get things in order. On the flip side, at 37 going on 38 weeks, I was really uncomfortable; sleeping horribly, back hurting, eating endlessly, etc. In other words, I was ready for baby to come out asap. By mid-Jan, DK & I figured baby would come closer to his EDD, whereas before DK figured he’d come around 2 weeks early and I thought he’d come 1 week early.

Fridays became my favorite days of the week while pregnant because 1) end of work week, 2) our takeout day and 3) sleep aid night (sleeping was awful during pregnancy and the sleep aid helped me get one full night of rest). So Friday, I wound down and went to bed between 9-10pm, while DK played DOTA in the second bedroom per usual. Sat am, I woke up with a spreading warmth waist down. I thought at first maybe I had like triple the layer of blankets in that area until I felt the wetness with my hands. Then thought to myself, “Is this my water breaking?” So I started to yell for DK but he was knocked out. I waddled my way to the bathroom, stripped, washed off my body & my PJ pants. At this point, I figured, “Well who knows how urgent this is. I’ll wake up DK after I’ve called Kaiser.” So I call, they advise to come to hospital as soon as possible - but no crazy rush - and I wake up DK, who doesn’t leap to his feet but more annoyed/groggy haha. This man doesn’t like to be woken up anyway. Knowing we have time, I put on makeup (I admit it! I’m vain!), try to figure out how to stop the leaking with the limited pads I have, and start packing last few things into the hospital bag. Then I eat an apple and write Janice’s bday card (whyyy do I irrelevant things during times like this). We finally head out and because of COVID, only I walk into the hospital where I’m seen in the triage area. Since it’s so early (before 8a), the hospital is really quiet and a Korean nurse comes to see me. I count both these things as God’s hand over me :) She chatters on and on about this and that and tells me that DK should definitely bring up snacks and it’ll be a while. So I send DK to Costco and he ends up coming to the hospital around 1p, after I’ve moved to the L&D unit.

The medical staff administered pitocin around 11a (?) and from 11a-4p, we just waited for the contractions to build up. Started a new show called Cobra Kai and ate the popsicles from the hospital. ALSO important to note that I sent DK to buy snacks in the am and then we later found out once Pitocin is in my system, I can’t eat solids until baby is out. I had like 8 popsicles over the course of waiting. Anyway, come 4p, the contractions were painful enough to request the epidural and by then, I started crying from the pain. It was just like the miscarriage contractions. I think the reminder of that mc coupled with the new pain made it an emotional experience for me again. The tears wet my mask, I muffled my gasps bc of the nurses and I was embarrassed, and my mind was just blank from the pain. I don’t know how women deliver without the epidural!! With the epidural hooked up and several tubes and devices on me, the pain subsided but around 6-7p, a bunch of nurses and doctors stormed into our room saying “baby is a little grumpy so we’re gonna do XYZ”. One staff member started reading off C-section risks to me to get my verbal consent, others tried to get me into an all-fours position, while another put an oxygen mask on me. I think the oxygen mask really freaked me out. Meanwhile DK was off to the side just watching and I didn’t say anything. Eventually things calmed down, we didn’t need the C-section and DK & I agreed that some calmer context would have helped haha. We waited overnight to dilate fully and by 5am on Sunday, we were ready to go! After pushing for 5 minutes, EK was born (cone-shaped and blue) and my first words were, “What the heck!” Once we cleaned up, it hit me how freaking adorable he was. DK sent photos and messages to both families and that was that!

As the epidural wore off and the catheter removed , I was introduced to the wonderful & embarrassing world of urinary incontinence. Almost immediately, I wet myself (a lot!) and the nurses had to tend to me. Thankfully, I heard, read or watched YT videos about this so I was pretty shameless about it. Like, what can I do? I have no control! We got moved to the post partum unit before Sunday noon which was slightly smaller and there, we had a nurse or doctor check on us or EK every other hour. Going to the bathroom every three hours to prevent serious leaking was annoying and the IV became super painful, since I started to move around and hold EK. I was on email for about an hour, canceling & consolidating meetings, and crafting my final week at work message. I decided I needed one more week (even while EK was here) to transition everything smoothly and feel at peace, which is another way of saying “I know it’s unconventional but this is how I want to do things!” I finally checked my phone - not sure why, but I hated the thought of texting or holding conversations during the L&B/pp time. I think I was just exhausted. I slept so poorly with the nurses coming to check on me every hour from the night before and I was just mentally and physically off. 

Come Monday am and with the prospects of going home soon, I felt better and Facetimed umma & appa. When I got wheeled Covid with EK in my arms, the nurse covered his face with the swaddle...covid things to recall years from now. Finally, we got home! And as we lifted EK out from the carseat, DK & I were both kind of amazed. “It’s like we went shopping and came back with a baby!” And the first few nights, of just me and DK, were so special. Just figuring it out. Powered by adrenaline and burning desire to do things right for our baby.

On night 2, EK’s circumcision bandaid had come undone and hung onto his skin by a thread. We didn’t know what to do, since we were told this & that about the circumcision healing process. Anyway, we decided to pull it off and EK’s cries broke me - and I’m pretty sure it tore at DK too. We knew it was already painful for EK but the sight of the swelling, bright red part + his crying was too much for these two new parents. I cried and cried and cried haha. But to conclude the whole circumcision story, after about 1 week of careful tending, he is fully and perfectly healed :)

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

[straykidz888]

Insomnia

Gif by huiracha! (I still cant figure out how to tag it from the post, I’m so bad with technology 😂)

A/N: so this was based off a dream I had and I am literally such a bad writer so I hope you guys don’t mind that but I thought I’d share what dream I had a while back about me and Chan with insomnia! (I have it really bad personally so I think my brain sparked that and connected the two of us 😂) but I hope you enjoy it! I’m also trying to figure out how to get the ‘read more’ on here but since I don’t have a laptop idk if I can do it, but I’ll figure that out 😂

Genre: FLUFFYYYY! With a little bit on sensual touches but nothing too drastic

*****************************************************

“I’m so uncomfortable.” I say in my head, having woken up from probably about one hour of sleep from yet another sleepless night, the insomnia kicking in hard, that one hour of sleep will probably be the best I’ll get for a good few hours.

I shuffle around in bed, moving the duvet off me and I turn to try and feel out for my boyfriend, but when I feel the empty space that was filled with his presence the last I remember, I frown.

“He’s probably unable to sleep...” I say to myself tiredly, a tired that will subside soon.

I decide to get up and head through towards the kitchen, I had one of my boyfriends many large black t-shirts on with a normal pair of pyjama shorts, I walked out to find my boyfriend, Chan, sitting at the kitchen table, and he catches sight of me when I walk in.

“Can’t sleep?” We both ask each other at the exact same time, it makes us both laugh.

“Me either.” I smile and walk up to Chan and he moves so he’s fully facing me, I place my hands on his shoulders and he places his arms around my waist.

“That one hour was good but not good enough.” I tell him and he chuckles.

“You didn’t even sleep for that long, I think it’s been about twenty minutes.” Chan tells me and I groan.

“No wonder it did me no good.” I pout and he chuckles softly, pulling me closer to him.

Chan’s insomnia was worse than mine, with insomnia having several levels, his had to be one of the worst, while he often couldn’t get any sleep at all and would literally be running on the dust of fumes he had left, I was a little luckier in terms that I got to sleep easier a bit more often, but Chan has so much going on in his life and with the music making and watching all eight boys making sure they’re alright he is just constantly stressed about something which makes him worse for sleep.

“Are you in the state of there is not even a chance you could get to sleep?” I ask him, furrowing my eyebrows.

“Yeah... I just know I’m not gonna get to sleep so it feels kind of pointless to try... I might fall asleep in the car ride to Music Bank tomorrow but... what can you do...” Chan shrugs, sighing sadly, it makes me so upset that I know this really gets on his nerves but he can’t do anything really while he’s working almost 24 hours for seven days a week, how he would wake up at 5AM to leave and come back at 1AM the next day just to do the same process.

“Anything I can do for you?” I ask him, leaning my hands up into his hair and caressing it slowly, running through the ash grey locks through my fingers.

“No I’m okay, you should get back to bed though, if you managed to get some sleep you might be able to get a little more.” Chan smiles at me and I smile at him.

“Only if you come back with me, I don’t like not having you there, cause then we can’t suffer together.” I pout but then give him a cheeky smile, he rolls his eyes and laughs softly.

“Alright, go on ahead I’ll meet you in the room.” Chan says and I nod my head, leaning forward to give him a quick peck on the cheek before running back through to our shared bedroom, getting up on the bed and sitting down on it, I lean over and turn on the side lamp just to let me see him when he walks in.

It takes a few minutes later for Chan to actually get back to the room, assuming he was taking a drink before he came through, he smiles at me as he closes the door behind him and he walks over to the bed, sitting down on the other side, he then looks over at me who’s eyes had followed him this entire way.

“Hi.” I smile happily, he grins.

“Hello.” He smiles softly.

“I love you, by the way just to let you know.” I giggle and he chuckles, I could tell he was tired but he just couldn’t get any sleep at all.

“I love you too.” He says and he touches the side of my jaw and leaned over and kissed my lips softly, I smile into the soft kiss and I place my hand on his neck and kiss him back, but soon enough we pulled away from each other.

“You’re so handsome.” I grin at him with a cheeky smile and he chuckles and leans over into my ear, his thick accent running through my ears and he whispers.

“And you are so damn beautiful.” I feel the shivers running through my body as he whispers that and I grin.

“Do you wanna try to sleep again?” He asks me as he places a hand on my waist.

“Yeah, but will you stay with me? You don’t have to stay the whole night if you can’t get to sleep but just until I’m properly asleep...” I ask him unsure of how he will take that question because he might almost feel jealous about it.

“Yeah of course, I’ll stay by your side.” He smiles at me and I nod my head.

“Thank you.” I smile at him and peck his lips once more and I lean over to turn off the light and then I turn to him and he brings his arms to my waist and I nuzzle into his clothed chest and hold him close to me.

The two of us lay together and our breathing is all you can hear in the room, I place my ear to his chest and I can hear his heartbeat, thump thump, thump thump.

“Are you okay?” Chan asks me softly and I nod my head.

“Yeah, I’m focusing on your heartbeat rather than my breathing.” I say, often my trouble with sleep was that I was focusing to hard on my breathing and would start to panic if I wasn’t getting enough oxygen in my lungs, it was silly really but I just kept getting myself panicked.

“Good good, just focus on my heart beating for you.” Chan says and I can hear the smile on his face in his sentence, I smile and caress his waist.

“I love you so much, I wish I could do more for you.” I frown and he takes a deep breath.

“Sorry... I know I’m such a pain... it sucks not being able to sleep, something is just wrong with me...” Chan sniffs and I widen my eyes and sit up to (barely) see his eyes starting to tear up, I shake my head and hold him by the cheeks softly.

“Baby no, nothing is wrong with you, you’re just stressed is all, you’re always working and your body clock is just all out of whack, there is nothing wrong with you Channie, there is absolutely nothing is wrong with you, if there was then something would be wrong with me!” I say and he laughs a little, a pathetic little laugh as he’s still half crying.

“Sorry, It’s just so frustrating, I want to try so many things but I just know none of them will work.” He says and I furrow my eyebrows, nodding along with what he says.

“Well you know whatever you want to try I’ll always be here working along with you, whatever you wanna try, I’ll help you with it and I’ll go through it with you, and whatever you need, I’m with you.” I smile at him and he smiles happily.

“I don’t deserve you.” He whispers and I laugh.

“Please, I don’t deserve a god like you, you’re to good for me, I still don’t know how I landed a guy like you.” I comment and giggle, he rolls his eyes at me.

“Excuse me? You’re my guardian angel I don’t deserve you, I need you but I don’t deserve you.” Chan laughs and I giggle.

“So we need each other but don’t deserve each other, makes sense.” I grin and he chuckles.

“Of course.” Chan chuckles, he then suddenly flips me down onto my back and gets on top of me and I giggle as he places his hands into mine before leaning down to kiss me again, our hands come together and our fingers lace between each other, he kisses me passionately and I giggle against him.

“Hey, we were talking about ways to help me get to sleep.” He says while wriggling his eyebrows at me and I roll my eyes.

“You know that’s just gonna make you more awake if anything.” I tell him and squeeze his hand softly.

“Worth a shot.” He shrugs his shoulders and I grin.

“I just forget how cute you look in my t-shirts.” He tells me with his soft voice, and I still love his accent running through every single word.

“You’re welcome for the reminder.” I tell him and he chuckles.

“Thanks.” He snickers, leaning down to kiss me again, he places his hands downwards and onto my thighs and slowly up inside my shirt to my waist, my hands move through his strands of hair and grip it lightly.

We both have a heated make out session for a good while before we both pull away and he gets off me and lies down beside me.

“Well that’s what you need to fall asleep.” I say and giggle, Chan chuckles and brings me back to his chest and I grin to myself wrapping my arms back round his waist once again placing my ear back to his chest to listen to his heartbeat again.

“I love you, I know we have said that like eight hundred times tonight but sometimes I feel like I don’t say it enough to you.” Chan whispers softly, I smile happily and I place my finger on his torso, caressing his chest softly.

“I love you too, and you don’t have to say it all the time for me to know, I know how you feel towards me, if you suddenly changed your mind, then I’d want you to tell me that you fell out of love with me.” I tell him and he laughs.

“Sure but that won’t be happening any time soon so I hope you’re okay with that?” Chan asks me.

“Yeah fully okay with that thanks.” I giggle.

I start to feel a little more tired as the minutes go along and when Chan starts to play with my hair again it starts to make me feel even more sleepy.

“I’m... falling asleep Channie.” I whisper to him softly, he kisses my head.

“I’m feeling pretty sleepy myself, that’s all thanks to you.” Chan says and I smile and kiss his chest.

“Or your body just said you’re tired tonight now.” I tell him and he chuckles, and I smile feeling the vibrations through his chest.

“Thank you baby, for being amazing.” Chan whispers and I look up at him with a smile, he leans down to kiss me softly before we move back to our original positions.

“Night night Channie.” I whisper, holding him as close as I can to me.

“Night night baby.” He whispers, and slowly I started to fall asleep as I focused on his heartbeat once again, I just hoped he would get to sleep, I would only find out tomorrow morning, I hope you get to sleep for a little while my love Chan.

*****************************************************

I hope you guys liked it, as I say I’m really not a good writer so it was probably terrible but I hope it was okay for you guys! 😂💚 I’ll probably delete this later omg but yeah I hope you all enjoy it hahahah

[xsixxx]

Bad Influence, Chapter Seven

Authors Note: Sorry I’m so bad at trying to get these out quickly, I’m working on it, I swear! This is a pretty long one for me & it’s deep so sorry if it’s a little bit boring! Once again, I’ve finished this at 5am so if there are mistakes/it’s incoherent I’m sorry, I’ll proof read it when I wake up 😂 Feedback always welcome!

Warnings: Language, super duper angsty, bit of childhood trauma, Beth & Nikki up to their usual shit

Tags: @triplehaitches @freddiessmallnipples @queen-crue @scarecrowmax @lovesick-heart0 @littlesunnymoon @80sheart-strings @cranberribread @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies @deaconsroger @zoenicoles @crazysaladchopshop @ggorehorror @lunamadhatter99 @justtryingtoovercome @chaoticvybe @you-know-im-a-dreamer @eightiesrockbaby @valentines-in-london @xrosegoldwolfx @fupatroopaa @lilypetite88 @this-blog-must-be-the-place @ashleecrue @lauravic @dark-princess99

(There’s like no appropriate gif for this I swear so just enjoy one of Nikki looking cute)

(P.s as much as I love Douglas Booth & I will use The Dirt gifs, I fully picture actual Nikki when I write this, just for a little context 👏🏼)

*Nikkis POV*

“So what do you say?”

Beth looked hesisitant, but she couldn’t hide the excitement that danced in her eyes as my question lingered in the fraction of a space between our lips. I couldn’t stop the smirk from creeping across my face as I sensed her self control slip for just a moment, her eyes darting to my lips. I could see her wrestling with that darker side of herself that wanted to give in & surrender herself to me

She bit her lip in a poor attempt at self-discipline & her doey brown eyes fixed back on mine with a look of delicious purity that made my leather pants a little tighter.

Fuck, I wanted to kiss her so badly.

But I wouldn’t give in, that was the point. It had to be all her.

Beth knew I was bad for her. As she stood there in front of me, I could tell that every logical part of her brain was screaming at her to walk away, to slap me, to yell at me, to do something to keep me away. She knew I was a bad guy, she’d witnessed it firsthand when I fucked that delectably naive little sister of hers & yet, here she stood, visibly battling with her temptation, a breath away from relinquishing her self control & throwing herself at me. She wanted to do something bad for the first time in her life, just to see how good it felt. And damn, I’d make her feel good.

I wanted to prove that I was right, all those many months ago when I first laid eyes upon her elitist, yet enticing self in that diner; that even good, smart girls like Beth could fall from Grace if they were tempted with the right promises. And she was so close to falling, balancing so delicately on the edge I’d lead her up to. But I wasn’t going to push her, I wanted to watch her jump.

But she took a step back; both from the edge & from me. A dark, confident smirk, not too dissimilar from my own, spread across her dainty features, as she found her self-control firmly back in her grasp. She ran her tongue over her lower lip before pulling it back in between her teeth & biting down on it, knowing full well how good she looked doing it & her voice when she spoke was calm & sultry, velvety smooth with a slight edge. In that moment, she had emulated everything that she hated about me & I couldn’t help but smile.

“I say thank you, but no.” She smirked, raidiating arrogance. “I know what you’re trying to do Nikki.”

“And what is it I’m trying to do, little Angel?” I asked, feigning innocence as best I could.

“I know you’re being the devil on my shoulder, trying to tempt me. And damn, your promises make me wanna sin Nikki,” she paused as she took a second to look me up & down, a gleam of desire in those eyes, “Fuck, they really do.” She confessed. “But I’m sorry, I’m just not one of those girls.”

I let a low chuckle. “Beth, I just watched you cum in the bathroom of your work whilst being fucked by the lead singer of my band not 10 minutes ago.”

She scowled at me, her eyebrows furrowed together in annoyance. “I can have casual sex without being one of those girls,” she nodded behind me & I turned to see a a couple of giggling girls at the bar, sipping drinks & trying to catch my attention, flashing flirty smiles my way as they caught me eye. I’d definitely fucked the one. Maybe both. I couldn’t quite recall. “I’m allowed to enjoy sex Nikki, just because it’s with Vince doesn’t make me a groupie. I’m not sleeping with him because he’s in your precious band, I’m sleeping with him because it’s fun & a girl has needs.” She shrugged, defensively.

“So how come you won’t let me satisfy those needs for you, if it doesn’t mean anything?” I grinned.

“Because Sixx, you’re not a good guy & nothing with you could ever just be simple. Look at how you hurt my sister, for Christ sake.” Beth sighed, completely in control once again, shutting off to my deviant corruption. “You’re trying to play a game with me that I’m just not interested in playing, ok?”

“You’re only not interested in my game because you’re shutting yourself off from the side of you that would enjoy playing with me.” I pushed, flashing her a wicked smile, hoping I could pull her back into our little sexually charged exchange, but I could sense from the look that she gave me that the moment was over.

Beth sighed deeply, a look of exhaustion & confliction mixed into her delicate features. Her eyes, full of pain I didn’t understand, met mine one last time before she turned away.

“Goodnight Sixx.”

*Beths POV*

I knocked on the large oak front door & tapped my foot nervously as I waited for an answer, a large sponge cake balanced on top of 2 boxes, wrapped in bright blue wrapping paper that had “happy birthday!” garishly printed all over it.

My heart skipped a beat as I saw my little sisters face emerge from behind the door. Between me moving out & Maddie starting college, we hardly saw anything of each other & I’d missed her more than I’d realised. A wide grin spread across her face as she flung out her arms & ran to me, throwing them around my neck as she hugged me tightly, causing the precariously balanced cake to wobble dangerously.

“Watch it!” I chuckled, pulling away from her grip to catch the cake before it fell. I looked at Maddie, her eyes bright & brimming with tears. “Are you crying?!” I exclaimed.

“I’ve just really fucking missed you Beth!” She laughed, wiping the tears away.

“Madeline, language.” Came the gruff, sharp voice of my father who appeared in the doorway.

“Happy birthday Daddy!” I grinned at the sight of him & walked through the door & putting down the boxes to give him a hug. He pulled me in warmly & I suddenly felt like a kid again, wrapped up safely in the arms of my father & my nerves melted away. He stepped back & looked me up & down, frowning slightly. I blushed, pulling at the hem of my tshirt, my nerves flaring up once again. I’d dressed as conservatively as possible, knowing dad would have something to say if he caught on to my current lifestyle of rockstars, whiskey & the occasional line of cocaine.

“What?” I asked, flustered.

My dad shook his head, his frown disappearing & replaced with a friendly, but cautious smile. “Nothing, nothing. I just thought something just seemed a little different about you, but its nothing.” He finished, sounding unsure before gesturing for us to move into the living room.

I sat down awkwardly on the same beat up sofa that me & Maddie used to build forts on when we were kids & looked around the room. My eyes scanned all the knick knacks & framed photographs that I’d seen a million times over the years & yet, the time away made it feel like I was seeing them through the eyes of an outsider, taking in every detail for the first time. The fireplace was littered with old photos of us as kids, at the beach or playing in the backyard; the faded smiles of a happy childhood. Dust was gathering on the out dated ornaments that were scattered on the various cabinets and coffee tables around the room & the floral wallpaper was looking washed out & old. I glanced across at the table that sat next to me & saw a familiar, heart-wrenching smile that immediately gave me a lump in my throat, too big to swallow.

My mothers kind eyes looked up at me from the ornate framed picture whilst my own instinctively filled with tears. I picked up the photo & gently rubbed my thumb over her face, only wishing I could feel her skin underneath my touch, rather than the cold glass, reminding me that I never would again. I blinked away the tears as I returned the photo back to its prized place on the table, looking back around the living room in search of a distraction. The decor hadn’t changed once in the 10 years since my mom died, almost as if my father was trying to honour her memory by keeping her furniture & trinkets in the same place she had once carefully picked for them. He was treasuring her belongings as she once had, rather than letting them, & her, go.

He tried to do something similar with me & Mads, I thought to myself.

“How’re you doing Daddy?” I asked, suddenly painfully aware of my father now living alone in this unintentional shrine of a house.

“Oh you know, its quiet since you pair left, but I’m coping.” He said, giving us a forced smile. “What about you, are you still working in that hellish bar?”

I rolled my eyes at his judgement & disapproval, it never took long. “Yes Daddy, it pays the rent, remember?”

“I know, I know, I just hate the thought of you working in that sort of environment, surrounded by those kinds of people.” He huffed, shaking his head at the idea of me in the exact situation I was currently in. But I was the sensible one, there’s no way in his worst, most invasive thought, my dad could imagine me heading down the path I was currently on. Hell, I couldn’t believe it sometimes.

But I was still in control & that was the important thing. I knew my limits. No more than a couple of drinks & no getting drunk. No more than a couple of lines of coke & definitely nothing harder than that. No letting the party interfere with my studies or my work. And, my most important rule, no matter how tempted I might be or no matter how fun he might seem, absolutely no Nikki Sixx.

“Dad, I promise, I’m always careful & besides, it’s not as bad as you think.” I shrugged, attempting to downplay his concern. “Anyway,” I said standing up & retrieving his presents & cake from the hall, “let’s stop focusing on me, open up, birthday boy!”

Later

Me & Maddie stood around the block from our childhood home, well out of sight of our fathers overbearing eyes, as we both took a break from his constant paranoid questions about our lives away from home & took long, well-needed drags on our cigarettes. We’d bought ourselves 10 minutes, under the guise that we were walking to the convenience store for some milk, which bought us enough time to burn down our cigarettes & cover the smell by dousing ourselves in cheap but powerful body spray.

“I still can’t believe you’re smoking!” Maddie giggled. “It’s like watching a nun flashing or something!”

I choked slightly as I exhaled, the laugh catching in my throat as her comparison took me by surprise. “Gee, thanks!” I chuckled sarcastically.

“You know what I mean! It’s just you, my smart, goody-two-shoes big sister, is breaking one of Daddy’s golden rules, it bizarre.”

I scoffed at her. “I’m not that bad. I’m not as clean cut as everyone thinks I am.”

“Yeah right! Don’t you remember that night a couple years back when we went to see Mötley Crüe & you saw me smoking for the first time & went crazy at me?” Maddie cackled at the memory. “Oh god & then how you reacted when I went over to speak to them in that diner? You nearly had a heart attack! Fuck, I can’t believe how fast that time has gone!” She sighed contently, breathing out smoke into the brisk evening air. “Do you still see them occasionally at work?”

I took a long drag on my cigerette, drawing it out purposely as I tried to think of a way to answer. I hadn’t told Mads about my partying, or my 6 month on/off fling with Vince or even the fact that I hung around with Mötley at all. I told myself it was partly because I barely saw her & I hadn’t had chance & partly because I didn’t want to upset her, thinking that she’d feel betrayed by her sister socialising with the guy that screwed her over & embarrassed her in front of his band mates. But, if I was being honest with myself, it was more to do with the fact that I wanted to keep this part of my life separate from my messy homelife.

I settled on a simple, vague answer. “Every now & then, they play shows sometimes & say hi.” I shrugged, avoiding eye contact as I brought my cigerette back up to my lips.

“They talk to you?” Maddie quizzed, her eyes bulging with intrigue. “What do they say? Do you speak to Nikki?!”

Fuck, why did I say that last bit?!

I mentally cursed myself for not being vague enough as I searched for a response that could end the conversation. “Erm, they don’t really say much, just a polite hi & bye sort of thing. I haven’t spoke to Nikki though & I wouldn’t want to either, not after everything.” I babbled, flushing red as I attempted to lie, praying that Maddie wouldn’t probe anymore.

“Oh ok..” She sounded almost disappointed. But her eyes caught sight of my burning face. “Why are you blushing? What are you not telling me?!”

“N-nothing.” I stammered, smiling weakly, knowing just how bad I was at lying.

“Oh my god, you’re fucking him, aren’t you?!” Maddie yelled, a mixture of shock & annoyance in her voice. I blushed harder.

Fuck. She knew me too well. “What are you talking about?!”

“You! You’re sleeping with Nikki fucking Sixx, aren’t you?!”

I almost laughed out loud as relief & amusement fell over me like a comforting blanket, the prickling hot panic dying down as I realised sleeping with Vince wouldn’t be half as shocking to Maddie if she already thought I was having sex with that egotistical jackass.

“Oh god no! Maddie, I would never sleep with Nikki!” I laughed. Her face softened as she heard the sincerity in my voice, knowing I could never lie that convincingly.

“So what’s going on?!” She demanded.

“Oh, well um..” I stammered once again, suddenly nervous & awkward to admit the truth to her. “Me & Soph yanno, we hang out with them every now & then. Sophia has slept with Tommy a few times, but nothing major.”

Maddie looked suspicious & concerned. “Just be careful Beth, they’re not good guys, you & I both know this.”

“They’re not all bad. I mean, they’ve got a bad reputation but they’re not really bad guys-”

She cut me off, angrily. “Are you seriously defending them? After what Nikki did to me?!”

“No, of course not- I mean Nikki is, well yanno, he’s Nikki, he’s not the best.. But the rest of them, they’re nice guys- Vince is..” I stumbled, desperately wishing I could just go back 5 minutes & answer Maddies original question with a simple ‘no, I never see Mötley Crüe at work’.

“Oh, so it’s Vince that you’re fucking?!” She asked, cuttingly, raising her perfectly arched eyebrow judgingly.

“Yes” I answered instinctively, before realising. “No. Well, I mean- I have, but that’s got nothing to do with it!” I shouted, flustered & suddenly angry. “What are you getting so annoyed at me for?!” I deflected.

“Why?! Because you’re hanging out with the guys that humiliated me & you’re clearly acting like it never happened!”

“That’s not true! And it wasn’t the guys that humiliated you, it was Nikki & I can’t stand the guy! I even said to him the other night about how much he hurt you-“ But Maddie cut me off once again, shooting me a filthy look.

“How dare you?! How dare you speak to him about how he made me feel!” She began screaming. “That asshole doesn’t deserve to know that he took up one single second of my headspace after I stormed out of that gig, let alone know that he hurt me! I cannot believe that you would share something like that with him, you had no fucking right Beth.” She flicked her cigerette angrily on the floor as she turned & marched in the direction of home.

“Mads, come on, wait up!” I shouted as I ran after her.

“You keep my fucking name out of your goddamn mouth when you’re around that band, do you hear me, you fucking groupie?!” She hissed as she stomped away.

I stood still, shocked, wounded by her words. She’d never spoken to me like that before. I slowed my pace, not bothering to try & catch up as I followed her back home.

•••

I heard shouting as I walked up to the slightly ajar front door. My dads deep, sharp voice cutting though Maddies angry, whiny one.

“You’re in my house, you follow my rules, you know this by now!” He bellowed.

“I don’t live at home anymore, I’m 20 for Christ sake Dad, when are you going to loosen the fucking reigns?!” I winced at the sound of Maddie swearing at our father, knowing he would not take kindly to it.

“You do not speak to me like that, young lady! I am your father, you show me some respect!” He roared, angrier than I’d ever heard him.

I timidly walked through the door, hoping to calm the situation, whatever it was.

“Well you best start screaming at Elizabeth too, because she was doing it as well!” Maddie yelled, pointing at me as I pushed the front door to behind me, hoping to keep from peaking the neighbours interest.

My father let out a short, sharp laugh. “That’s typical of you Madeline, trying to shift the blame on to your sister. She’s the responsible one, you really expect me to believe she was smoking too?!”

Shit. We forgot to cover our tracks.

“You’re fucking kidding me with this Miss Perfect shit, right?” Maddie said, laughing without amusement. “Do you know what your precious daughter has been up to recently?!” I held my breathe, my eyes pleading with her to stop. Through all of our sisterly fights, through our our difficult teenage years, we’d never once had a real fight & we’d never once turned on each other.

“She’s been smoking, drinking, fucking a rock band & no doubt doing their drugs too!” Maddie spat smugly, turning to smirk at me with eyes full of anger.

I felt a rage burn inside me as my father gave me a look of disbelief, which soon changed to disappointment & then pure anger. Maddies disloyalty & smug face pushed me over the edge & I snapped. “Well you’d fucking know!” I shot back snidely. “You fucked one of them first. That probably explains how you know they’re quite fond of sharing their drugs, huh Mads?”

“Enough!” My father thundered. “Drugs?! Did you lean nothing from your mothers death?! How could you be so goddamn irresponsible, knowing what you know?! Have I taught you nothing?!”

My fury had been released & there was no keeping it in now. I glared at my dad, my anger spilling over in his direction. “Maybe if you hadn’t spent 10 years treating us like prisoners, never letting us out, never letting us experience anything, we wouldn’t be so desperate to try & figure the world out for ourselves the second we left your damn tyranny.”

My father looked taken aback, hurt. I felt regret almost instantaneously.

“You know that everything I did was to protect you.”

“Yes dad, we know, but you can’t protect us from real life.” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I didn’t mean to say it, but it was out there now, the truth I’d always felt but refused to acknowledge. It was out & I couldn’t take it back.

His face hardened, like I’d never seen before & it struck fear into my soul.

“If you want real life experiences, go & have them, but know that whilst you act this way, whilst you blatantly disrespect my wishes & insult your mothers memory, you are no daughters of mine.” He said, coldly. “Now get out, both of you.”

Later

I slammed the door to our one bed apartment shut behind me, relieved to be back in my own home though m still shaking with unspent emotion.

I headed towards the room I shared with Sophia, praying she was out so I didn’t have to deal with her questions & I could just climb into bed & sleep off the negativity of this whole day.

As my hand reached for the door handle of the closed bedroom door, I heard the unmistakable sounds of Sophia & Tommy, going at it &, knowing them, it wasn’t going to be a quick thing either. I groaned out loud, hoping they’d hear my annoyance, before I turned & headed back towards the living room. Flopping down on the sofa, I spotted one of my psych books lying on the coffee table with a hot pink sticky note attached to it:

The theory of human motivation, get to it babe, it’s due Monday. - S ♡

“Fuck.” I whispered, realising it was now 10pm on Sunday & I hadn’t even started.

“Could this day get any fucking worse?” I complained aloud to myself as I picked up the textbook & note pad Soph had thoughtfully left beside it.

“What an apt moment to make my entrance.” Nikki chuckled darkly, causing me to jump a mile & let out a girlish squeal, as he emerged from the kitchen.

“You fucking idiot, Sixx!” I screamed, throwing a pillow in his direction, ducking just in time for it to miss his amused expression. “You scared the shit outta me, dick!” I panted, holding my heart. “What the fuck are you doing here?!”

“Well, apparently Tommy needed to pick something up from Sophia, so I came here with him & he went into the bedroom to get it. That was half an hour ago & he’s yet to come back out, so I made myself at home.” He smiled, taking a bite out of the sandwich I hadn’t noticed him holding. “You only had wholemeal bread though.” He said, pulling a face of disgust between bites.

I scowled at him, shaking my head, not having the energy to rise to his bait tonight. He was obviously disappointed.

“What’s wrong Princess?” He smirked, “Still not ready to play with me?”

“Nikki, please. It’s been a hard day & I’ve got a paper to write by 9am tomorrow morning. Just please, please not tonight, I can’t deal with your games right now.” I pleaded, feeling the tears involuntarily fill my eyes as the true level of my metal & physical exhaustion hit me like a train. I wiped them away quickly, praying Nikki hadn’t noticed.

“Are- Um, are you, yanno, ok?” He mumbled awkwardly, moving towards the sofa, trying to judge whether or not it was safe to sit down next to me.

“I’m fine,” I sniffed, turning my face away from him as he made the decision to sit. “I’ve got a lot of work to do, if you wouldn’t mind.” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong & sure, not ready to show weakness in front of the man that I knew was capable of manipulating it if he felt like it.

“Do y- Ahem” he coughed awkwardly, pretending to clear his throat, “do you wanna talk about it?”

I let out a small, weak laugh, bringing my eyes back to meet his. He looked uncomfortable, fidgeting as he attempted to offer me some level of comfort. I couldn’t help but smile at his effort, no matter what his intentions behind it were. “No Sixx, I really don’t. But, um, thanks.”

He nodded, visibly uncomfortable. “So, uh, what’s your paper about?” He asked, obviously trying to change the subject.

“The theory of human motivation.”

“Ah ok, so like what drives people?” Nikki inquired thoughtfully, perking up a little.

“Sort of.. Well, have you ever heard of Maslows hierarchy of needs?” Nikki shook his head but looked intrigued, so I continued. “So, according to this psychologist, there are 5 levels of human needs & you have to attend to the lower levels before you can satisfy the levels higher up. So, for example, level 1 is your basic needs, food, water etc. You need those in order to attend to level 2, which is security, safety. It continues up to love & relationships, then self esteem & then self actualisation, achieving ones dreams essentially. That’s the top tier, the end goal.”

“Ok yeah, I get it. I’m down for the first level, I mean obviously I gotta survive, but I don’t need security or love or that shit to achieve my goal.” Nikki laughed. “I think this Maslow guy needs to met someone like me. Growing up without love & stability only made me more determined.”

“Well yeah, it made you more determined because you’re unknowingly seeking that love & security through your music & your band. You’re hoping your career will provide you with the security you never had & that your fans will provide you with the love. Every human falls into the model, one way or another.” I shrugged, smirking at his dumbfounded expression.

“Ok little miss psychologist, being as you clearly know me so well, analyse me.” Nikki sniggered.

I shook my head, “it doesn’t work like that. But,” I continued as inspiration struck me, “I could use you as the subject for my paper, I think you’d make an interesting case, with your inflated sense of ego & all.”

Nikki flashed his usual, arrogant smirk. “Well, doesnt sound like Tommy is gonna be done any time soon. Ok, you’ve got yourself a test subject, Princess.” He winked.

“Ok, lets do this properly. No messing around, I need to you answer my questions as best you can Sixx, promise?” I raised my eyebrows at his wide grin.

“I promise I’ll try.” He responded, raising his hand mockingly.

I grabbed my notepad & pen & began scribbling down some notes to start me off.

After a couple of minutes of writing, I looked up. Nikki was sat patiently, lighting a cigerette & gazing off to the side, lost in thought. The sight of him sent my stomach into freefall as I took that moment to appreciate his features, his strong jawline & thoughtful eyes. He caught me staring & his eyes shone with mischief as he grinned once again, shattering my vision of this deep, soulful artist. I laughed at my own foolish thought that Nikki Sixx was anything more than he appeared to be at face value. He proved that with his answer to my first question.

“Ok, So Nikki Sixx, tell me what it is that you do.”

“What do I do?” He asked, that roguish gleam in his eyes twinkling as gave me that troublesome smirk once again. “Oh, I do bad things.” He answered.

“Yeah, this was a bad idea.” I snapped, slamming my notepad shut with exasperation. “I should’ve figured you weren’t capable of taking anything seriously.”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’ll be sensible.” He laughed. “I am the creator & bassist of a rock band called Mötley Crüe.”

I gave him a stern, warning look before continuing. “And tell me, what lead you to peruse a career in music?”

“Music was the one constant thing throughout my childhood & teenage years. It cut through the boredom & the bullshit in my life. It inspired me.” He said simply, but passionately. I brought my eyes up from the notepad to look at him, his eyes truly thoughtful this time as I imagined him reminiscing about the first album he’d ever bought or the first time he held a bass. Whatever he was remembering, it tugged at the corners of his lips as a genuine smile appeared on his face, taking the place of his usual smirk. I couldn’t help but smile along with him, taking in his beauty & serenity in that moment.

“So, ahem”, I coughed, bringing myself back to reality, “What was music an escape from? What lead you to feel so passionately about it?”

“I had a shitty upbringing.” He said bluntly. “My dad split when I was 3 & it was obvious that I was just a burden to my mom. Whenever I got in the way of her lifestyle, she’d ship me off to my grandparents who constantly moved around. And when she did want me, I was just a punching bag for her asshole boyfriends.”

“Nikki, I’m sorry, I had no idea..” I trailed off.

“It’s fine Princess, it is what it is.” He shrugged, but I sensed he wasn’t as ok with it as he was making out. “So when I found music, it was suddenly like ‘this is it, this is what I’ve been looking for’, it just made sense to me & I’ve been infatuated ever since.”

“Sixx, look, we don’t have to do this, I didn’t realise that this went as deep as it does, I don’t wanna intrude..”

“It’s ok. It must be hard to imagine broken families when you’re not from one.” Nikki responded a little sharply, his presumption catching me off guard.

“Excuse me?”

“No, I just meant that when you have a stable family, it must be hard to imagine that some parents don’t love or want their kids, yanno?”

I laughed humourlessly at his false premise. “Trust me, there is nothing stable about my family.”

“Oh come on Beth. You’re telling me that you, the well educated Daddy’s girl from the good neighbourhood, had a rough childhood, really?” Nikki scoffed, rolling his eyes.

I snapped, growing tiresome of his stereotypical opinion of me. “You don’t know the first thing about me Sixx, stop pretending that you do.”

“Kind I’d like how you didn’t know the first thing about me until 5 minutes ago? Yet, you’ve always made your judgements on my attitude & my lifestyle. I’m just returning the favour doll.” He replied, raising his eyebrow pointedly.

I sighed, resigning to his annoyingly accurate point. “Ok fine. Not that I owe you any explanation,” I started, looking anywhere in the room but at those piercing eyes that were focused so intently on me. “My mom OD’d when I was 13. She was prescribed painkillers after a car accident & she just never came off them.”

“Fuck.” Nikki whispered. “Doll, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head as I felt the tears prick in my eyes for what seemed like the millionth time that day. “Our dad wrapped me & Maddie up in bubble wrap after that & made us fearful of the world. He took us out of school & homeschooled us, never really let us socialise, we never got to go out & see our friends, he all but kept us locked up.” I sighed, thinking back to the harsh words I’d said to my father earlier on that day, the regret & guilt flooding back & overwhelming me once again. “I know he was doing what he thought was best, keeping us safe & protected from anything or anyone that could harm us or influence us.”

“Someone like me?” Nikki teased, trying to lighten the mood.

I let out a soft giggle. “Exactly.”

Nikki gently placed his hand under my chin, lifting my head up fractionally so that my eyes met his. His gaze drifted to my cheek as a lone tear fell silently down it. His grazed his thumb softly against my skin, wiping it away with a simple caress that sent shivers through my body. I felt weak under his touch. That same touch that had once set fire to my mind did so once more & I instantly craved him all over again.

“Who knew you could be a good guy when you wanted to be?” I whispered as his thumb trailed from my cheek to my lips, his eyes fixated on them.

“I’m the devil Lizzy, remember?” He muttered back, restraint evident in this voice. “I’m not a good guy.”

“Being good doesn’t get you anywhere. Trust me, I know.” I breathed, leaning in to him & letting my lips brush his, using his own trick against him. “Kiss me, Sixx.” I whispered.

“You don’t want this, Angel.” He warned gently.

“And how do you know what I want?”

His brow furrowed, confliction obvious in his dark green eyes. “You’re upset & you’ve had a bad day. This isn’t you & as much as I want you, I don’t want you this way, you’re not thinking clearly.” He sighed.

“Fuck, Nikki, I can’t fucking win! So what, you only want me if I’m like all of those other groupies, drunk in a bar & throwing myself at you, is that it?” I snapped, moving away from him.

“No Beth, that’s not it.” He replied bluntly, running his hands through his messy hair. “But look, you’re emotional & vulnerable & I-“ he stumbled, unsure whether to continue. “I’m not the solution to your problem Beth ok, I’m not that kinda guy.”

I laughed sharply. “Wow, because I’m so insecure in myself that I must need you to comfort & validate me, right? Christ Nikki, it must be exhausting fanning your own fucking ego like that.”

“Why else would you be coming on to me now?!”

“Because for a second Nikki, you actually seemed like a decent guy, like maybe you actually had a heart. And for a fucking second, I didn’t despise you.” I laughed, bitterly. “Silly me!”

“But that’s just it Beth, you know I’m not a decent guy. I wanna fuck you, I mean Christ, you know I do. But I wanna make you feel bad, I wanna fulfil your darkest fantasies, I don’t wanna just be your comfort fuck, that’s just not what I do Beth, I’m sorry.” He muttered, shaking his head.

“How fucking dare you?!” I fumed, shoving his shoulder & standing up. “How dare you presume that I fucking need your comfort. I can take care of myself, Sixx, thanks.” I turned around, walking towards the kitchen, muttering to myself “God forbid I should just find him attractive for a fraction of a second & wanna act on it-”

I heard Nikki stand up & I spun round to give him more of my mind, but he was quick & I was suddenly standing chest to chest with him, my face at the level of his neck & I caught his musky scent & I was momentarily intoxicated. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from imagining what it would be like to feel his skin under my lips as I placed kisses along his neck, nipping & sucking as I went. My mouth watered slightly at the thought.

“Ok Lizzy. Prove it.” Nikki tested, his forehead resting lazily on mine as I brought my eyes up to look at him. They were dark, yet I could sense the struggle & hesitance in them, along with the desire that I’d come to recognise so well.

“Prove what?” I asked stubbornly.

“That you want me. Prove me wrong, do something reckless & impulsive just because you know it’ll feel good. Make that decision to jump.” He whispered, his breath brushing my face as his words & his eyes drew me in, pulling me down, under his spell.

Once again, he brought his lips to mine, allowing them to brush together, sending sparks of electricity & passion surging through my body, but he restrained from kissing me. He wanted me to be the one to do it. He wanted to be right.

Fuck, I wanted to prove him right.

“You’re the devil, Nikki Sixx.” I murmured softly.

He smirked against my lips, knowing he had finally won. “Angel, something tells me you can’t help but enjoy it.”

I tiptoed & titled my head up towards Nikki, closing the gap in between our lips, surrendering myself to him. My lips crashed on to his & immediately that fire that only he could ignite spread to every part of me. My mind, my body, my soul we’re all ablaze with the feeling of him. For the first time in years, I did something I knew I shouldn’t, for no other reason than because I simply wanted to. There was no hidden reason or agenda, I just wanted him.

No, I craved him. I wanted him to show me the darker side of myself he promised, I wanted him to show me what my body was made for.

He pressed himself against me, tasting me, wrapping his arms around my waist & pulling me in closer. I could feel that tantalisingly smirk against my lips, I could taste his arrogance & it only made me want him more. I buried my fingers into his hair, gripping with desperate ferocity as he picked me up & thrust me roughly onto the kitchen work surface, deepening his kiss, causing me to moan gently into his mouth.

Nikki groaned seductively, breaking the kiss. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you make that noise for me.” He breathed, his hands travelling up my body to cup my face, holding it roughly, forcing me to look into his hungry eyes. He studied for me a second as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, my body aching for his kiss.

“I knew I could make you fall from Grace.” He smirked. “We’re gonna have fun so much fun together, little Angel.” He grinned wickedly, letting go of my face but keeping his hand under my chin.

I smirked, a new found confidence washing over me as ran my hands through Nikkis disheveled hair & looked into those dark eyes.

I leaned in towards him, my soft lips grazing his lobe purposefully as I whispered proactively into his ear. “You have no idea what you’ve just started. Just because you won this round, doesn’t mean I’m gonna make this easy for you. When I’m through, even the devil is going to kneel before me.” I drawled, mimicking his arrogance before hopping off the work surface & walking away, leaving Nikki with his mouth open, desperate for more.