#but seriously i haven't been able to stop thinking about him since last Friday

[addicted-to-the-knife]

are there finally any fellow John Labat enjoyers? please? I'm so down bad for him and feel lonely with it, dhsdhfkjshkfhs </3

[I'm gonna watch MaXXXine tomorrow again. for him. my therapist and social worker said I should, so who am I to not do it, then, dsjfkhsdjf anyway, if I am able to, I'll write some x Reader fics for him. I'll be posting them on my main (@littleoddwriter) when I do! <3]

[five-rivers]

Chance and the Community Chest

@bellsandmischief phic phight phic!

.

“I don't know, Tuck.”

“Come on, Danny.  You said it yourself.  There's not much else to do on a Friday night since ghosts trashed the mall.  And the arcade.  And the theater.  And the mini-golf course.  And the bowling alley.  And the ice rink.  And the roller rink.”

“You don't even like skating.”

“And Floody Waters.  And the park.  And the Nasty Burger.  Both of them.  And the McMasters.”

“We wouldn't be able to hang out in a McMasters anyway.”

“It's the principle of the thing.  The park is closed, too–”

“The park isn't closed.  It's just that the Amity Park New Religion Convention is happening there.”

“Do you really want to go to the park when it's full of cultists?”

“I don't know that it's fair to call them cultists–”

“One of the groups literally calls themselves the Coalition of Universally Lateral Thinkers.”

“No.  That has to be a joke.”

“It isn’t.  I've looked them up.  They've got some kind of Scientology-level crap going on.  They're convinced that you can astral project yourself to the Ghost Zone and travel to other realities that way.”

“Well, I mean, you can, but–”

“Wait, what?  Stop.  Stop walking.  What do you mean, ‘you can?’  Are you saying that astral projection is an actual thing?”

“Yeah?  Is that not what I said?”

“Right.  So.  Should we, uh, stop them?  Is that why you've been so weird about coming?”

“I haven't been weird about coming.  I've been questioning your decision to bring a dozen binders full of rules for a game when we've never been here before.”

“Excuse you, these are the latest Dragonpath PDFs that I got for the low, low price of free.  And there are thirteen of them, not twelve.”

“Yeah, and then you made up the price difference by making color copies.  Seriously, Tucker, I think community board game night is more like Monopoly and Scrabble, not, uh.  Something with fifty pounds of rules.  And no board.”

“Actually,” said Chance Counter, unable to resist butting in despite his eavesdropping being quite successful so far, “‘board game’ in this case is more shorthand for– What is that?”

He’d been listening in, but he’d thought the teens were exaggerating, as teens tended to do.  Nothing had prepared him for the enormous stacks of white plastic three ring binders.

“Fifty pounds of rules for Dragonpath,” said the white one, deadpan.  He was the one carrying most of the books.  “Weren’t you listening?”

“Oh,” said Chance.  “Yeah.  Are you the only ones planning on playing… that.”  

“I wasn’t planning on playing anything in particular, Tucker just needed help bringing them over from his house.  I’d be perfectly happy with Monopoly or, I don’t know, that one where you’re building stuff on an island.”

“Catan?” suggested Chance.  

“Could be,” said the boy.  Thinking back on the overheard conversation, Chance was pretty sure his name was Danny.  

“I can’t believe it,” said Tucker.  “I’ve been abandoned.  Abandoned by my own friend.  Abandoned!  For what’s objectively the worst board game ever.”  He almost dropped the binders, but his friend shored up his stack with his hip.  

“What, why is Catan the worst?”

“Not Catan!  Monopoly!”

“Why is Monopoly the worst?”

“Because, as our dear friend Sam would say, it signifies and symbolizes the ultimate capitalist hellscape.  And also it causes fights.”

“I don’t think Sam would say that.”

“You don’t think I’d say what?” asked a girl who had just walked through the door of the community center.  “Oh, hi.  Are you one of the organizers?”

“I sure am,” said Chance, smiling.  “My name is Chance Counter.  We’re right in here.”  He gestured behind himself, into the room where he’d just finished setting up the last of the old folding tables.  He hoped they’d withstand Tucker’s massive tomes.  “You three are a little on the early side, but our regulars should start coming in soon enough.”

“You might get some extras,” said Sam, walking past him.  “Basically everywhere else is torched.  Ghosts.”

“It’s not only the ghosts.  There’s also the construction and the convention–”

“But it’s mostly the ghosts.  By the way did you see that one of the groups set up in the park has an acronym that literally spells ‘cult.’”

“Did everyone know this before me?” asked Danny.  He circled Chance and deposited his load on the nearest table.  It creaked alarmingly.  “How much math do you need to know in order to play this, anyway?”

“Less than Monopoly,” said Tucker, also dropping his binders on the table.  “Look, man, we can basically play Doomed with these rules.”

“Why would we do that when we can already, you know, just play Doomed?”

“Because we can do things that we can’t do in Doomed.  Trust me, it’s going to be great.”

Danny blinked down at the books.  “Look, I like a good TTRPG as much as the next guy, but this is a bit extreme.  Sam, will you play Monopoly with me?”

“Sure,” said Sam, sliding the box out from the stack of games on the central table.  

“Sam!  You were supposed to rail against the greed and corruption of capitalist states where monopolies are allowed to form!”

“I can do that and still enjoy a fictional monopoly,” said Sam.  “I get to be the race car.”

“I want the dog, then.”

“You two are horrible.”

“And our battle will be glorious,” said Danny.  “Should we wait for the other people, or will they not want to play Monopoly?”

“Oh, our regulars are very easy-going.  Most of them will go with whatever is set up, although we do have an RPG group that meets every other week.  They mostly play Eldritch Endeavors, though.”

Tucker groaned.  “I want the boot.”

“I sense a butt kicking joke approaching, but would you really kick a dog?  A doggy?  A cute little puppy?”

“I hate you.”

Chance heard the community center door open again. He poked his head back out into the hallway.  “Andrew!” he said, as the teens mumbled something about sense.  “Great to see you.  We don’t usually get you on the first Friday.”

Andrew, who was tall, thin, and sported a goatee, paused.  “The first Friday?”

“Lost track of the days, huh?  Well, might as well make the most of it.  We’ve got some kids setting up a game of Monopoly back there.”

“Yes, I suppose I might as well,” said Andrew.  He pulled off his coat, folded it over his arm, and stopped halfway into the room.  “You!”

“You!” replied Danny.  

“Chance, you really can’t allow this poetry-destroying hoodlum in here!”

“I said I was sorry!  And then you attacked me!”

“It was my magnum opus!” 

“Hey!  Hey!  This is a community game night,” said Chance.  “The center policy is that everyone is welcome here unless they start something here, okay?”

“What about restraining orders?” asked Danny.  

“Do you have one?”

“... No.”

“Then I don’t see how that matters.  Now, you don’t have to play together–”

“Oh, but I will,” said Andrew, pulling a chair up to the table.  “I’ll take any avenue to give this brat the beating he so richly deserves.”

“Oh, it’s on.”

“Uh, could we maybe tone down the smack talk as well?  Maybe to something that wouldn’t get you arrested when taken out of context?”

Andrew simmered.  Danny glared.  

“Hi, Chance, what’ve we got– What are you doing here?”

“Star?” asked Sam, incredulously.  

“Mikey?” asked Tucker, more incredulously.  

“Oh, uh, hi, guys,” said Mikey, shyly.  

Danny looked between the two of them.  “Did you guys not know that they’re dating or something?”

“How do you know that we’re dating?” demanded Star.  

“We’re keeping it secret!” said Mikey, horrified and loud enough that any secrecy was most likely moot.  

“Not very well.”

Star swallowed visibly.  “If you tell anyone–” 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, no threats during community game night, please,” said Chance.  “My heart can’t take it.”

“Who would we even tell?” asked Tucker.  “We’re social pariahs.  Hey, Mikey, how do you feel about Dragonpath?”

“Third edition is better.  And Eldritch Endeavor is better than all of them.”

“You’re dead to me.”

“Aw, Tucker, I thought I was dead to you.”

“Anyway, this is the first Friday,” said Star.  “Not RPG night.  Is this the set with the purse?”

“Don’t think so,” said Danny, peering into the box.”

“I’ll get it,” said Mikey, moving towards the stack of game boxes where the second Monopoly set was hiding.  “Is anyone the iron yet?”

“The what?” asked Tucker.  

“The clothes iron,” said Mikey.  “I like the irony.”

“Oh, you mean the useless technological throwback.”

“I iron some of my clothes,” said Sam.  

“Of course you do,” said Tucker, shaking his head.  “Of course you do.”

“I would like to play the game, now,” said Andrew.

Chance clapped his hands together.  “So, Danny, why don’t you start us off, since you were the first one in?”

“Mm, yeah,” said Danny.  “Let me just finish dealing out Mikey’s money.”  He set down a few more bills, then shoved them over to where Mikey had just sat down.  “Okay.  Dice?”  Tucker handed them over, muttering imprecations.  “And… seven.  That’s… one… two… three… four… five… six… seven.  Chance.  Erm.  Chance card, I mean.  So, let’s see here… ‘Take a walk on the Boardwalk. Advance token to Boardwalk.’”

There was a wave of quiet as Danny happily paid the bank four hundred Monopoly dollars and set the Boardwalk deed card down in front of himself.  He looked up.  “What?”

“Danny,” said Sam.  “This is nothing personal, but you know that we all have to destroy you now, right?”

Danny’s eyes narrowed.  “Bring it.”

[lyon-amore]

With you until the end of the world Chapter 11

Chapter 10

*Angel POV* 

"Dear dad and mom, 

How are you? Honestly, I don't know why I'm asking, I know I won't have an answer, but it relieves me to ask you even once. I guess it must be weird that we don't have those Friday dinners or just go to the movies together and listen to dad's movie reviews. 

I don't think I need to say where I am now after my last letter. I know it's been a while since I last sent it to you, but I'm not going to write to you all the time either, am I? 

Being in Italy, I've been thinking about how we never came here on vacation, we always went to California to see grandparents for family reunions. But now, being here, I wish one day that we travel together to this beautiful country. 

I was wondering if I could write his name or not while writing this letter, but... I'm sure you already know who I went with, right? Dad, you talked to him the day I passed out at work, when you took me to the hospital. The boy you were so worried about me getting into trouble with the police. Well that's him. Jake. 

I love to say his name in this letter. Jake. It makes me think that he is important in this world. And I want him to feel that way. 

I have taught him to relax a bit, walking the streets at night. Sometimes we take Jack with us on nights when he can't sleep, letting the walk wear him down. Whereas when we do it by ourselves, everything is magical. I won't go into details, but I feel so complete with him that I don't need anything else in this world. 

Little by little, I begin to tolerate Jack and what he calls us. He is a very smart boy, mom, you would be proud as a teacher. I still haven't told Jake that I'm starting to love him like he's part of my family. Whether he is like a son or not, I still can't interpret it that way. 

I think I'm making this letter too long, I wish you the best. Keep waiting for my next letter. 

Your daughter loves you." 

I put the letter in the mailbox. This time I've added a little more detail, like saying Jake's name. I don't want to hide him. And I trust them. I know they would never give me away, because I am the person they love the most, right? And they have always been by my side, protecting me. 

I walk past an ice cream shop and grit my teeth for one. I should have brought Jack to have an excuse to buy one, I'd feel bad if I bought one just for me. It is then that I begin to hear soft piano notes. I recognize that tune. It was like that story, 'The Pied Piper of Hamelin', the melody had me mesmerized. I follow the sound of music to a restaurant. I stare at the boy playing. I recognize him. Andrew Lorenz. I cross my arms listening to you play the piano. I hate that he knows how to play the instrument that I like.

He finishes playing and looks up, smiling at me.     "Wow, if it's Miss 'We're in a hurry'." he says with a smile, leaning on the piano.     "Did you follow me here?" I ask walking up to him.     "I can assure you that our meeting is nothing more than a pure coincidence." he scans me with his blue eyes, as if he were searching for something "And your son?"     "In class" I answer seriously ". Maybe I should be worried that you asked me about him."      He lets out a laugh and starts playing a couple more notes.     "Don't worry, I'm not interested in him at all." He gives me a quick look, with a mischievous smile.      I'm trying to find out what he's hiding. It is no coincidence that I meet him here.     "Did you like my piece of music?" He asks me, stopping playing the piano again.     "It's not yours" I reply annoyed ". I know that tune, I follow the man who wrote it on YouTube."     "Wow, and I thought that my trick to flirt would work" I roll my eyes listening to him speak ", so, do you play the piano?"      I run my hand over the instrument. They seem to take good care of it.     "Let's just say musical talent passed me by" I reply honestly. I want to be able to look friendly so I know what he's hiding ", but I like the way it sounds."     "I can teach you" he shifts a little, leaving me a spot on the bench ", but I don't know your name yet.      I sigh pretending to be flirtatious, tucking my hair behind my ear to use my gaze innocently.     "Angel Becker." I reply, extending my hand in greeting.     "Angel" he repeats, accepting my hand. I analyzed it, it doesn't look like a pianist's hand and his greeting is strong. Firm. He is not dedicated to playing the piano, of that I am clear ", curious name is not very common in Europe."     "My grandparents gave it to me" and it's true, my real name was voted on and their choice won ", they thought Angel was the most suitable for me."      He steps aside on the bench, inviting me to sit down. I sit down but I keep my distance, I must not give him any illusions in the event that I am wrong about him.     "You do not trust me?" he asks me with a touch of humor in his tone of voice "I'm not going to do anything to you."     "I'm not really sure" I answer with a smile, ", like I said, you followed me." I insist again, hoping that if he gets nervous, maybe the truth will slip from him.     "If I had followed you, why would I have waited so long to get close to you?"      Well, he have a good point.

He starts playing the piano. Again, one of the tunes I know. I see that he is concentrating on the notes and I keep looking at him.     "They won't mind if you hog the piano?" I ask out of pure curiosity.     "Why would they fire they employee?" he asks me a counter question, with a small laugh "And may I ask if there is a Mr. Becker?"      I bite the inside of my cheek nervously. If I say yes, he'll want to hear from him and that might endanger Jake. If I say no, maybe he insists on wanting something with me —if he is not an FBI agent—. Although it can also be an advantage if I can discuss it without him thinking I'm with someone, the more open he is with me, the better.     "No, I'm a single mom" I finally say, trying to sound sad ", he ran away when he found out I was having a baby."     "What an idiot then."      I nod with a sound of assent. Well, I'm not talking about Jake, so I don't feel guilty.     "Well, if you want to come with your son sometime to the restaurant, know that you are invited to eat here" he looks at me with that charming smile ", I have an employee discount and if we lie to you, we can have a family discount on Fridays."      I tense up when he says that. It's like he knows.     &lt;<Come on Macie, don't let those words distract you. Don't think he knows.>>     "I'll think about it" I get up from the small bench and hold out my hand ". Nice to meet you, Andrew Lorenz, but I have to go now."     "The pleasure is mine, Angel Becker" He accepts my hand, but kisses the back ". I hope to see you again."      I smile and start to walk away from him, with a strange feeling. I mustn't let his attitude fool me. 

I get to the building and go up the stairs. Upon entering the apartment, the first thing I do is go to the room where Jake works on the computer and I do it with a smile, wanting to see him. But he is not here     "In the room." I hear him say.      I'm running wanting to see them. I'm always happy to come back after a round to see if anyone talks about us. But it was not something good that awaited me. As I enter, I see him holding a couple of envelopes. Jack is next to him, clutching his toy tightly. Why would he have been looking in my backpack? But that's not the problem. Jake's look makes me feel guilty for keeping it from him. 

*Jake POV* 

I start to hear a lot of noise in the room while I was busy. I get up from my chair to find Jack rummaging through Macie's backpack, her things on the floor.     "What are you doing?" I ask approaching "As Angel sees what you have done-"     "I was looking for the notebook and the colors." he answers, separating the objects.      I sigh and start to pick up. It is then that I notice all the envelopes lying on the floor. I frown in confusion, counting the number of envelopes compared to what the package says it contains. Seven envelopes are missing.     "Mom uses them to send the studio money." Jack tells me.      Only in front of me does he call Macie that. He know she still does not like it, but he does. After his words, I start to think. It does not make sense that they are missing so much, if she paid for it by hand when... 

Incredible.     "What is happening dad?" Jack tugs at my sleeve, worried "Have I done something wrong?"     "No, you have not done anything wrong." I reply without taking my eyes off the envelopes.      I hear footsteps. It has to be her.     "In the room." I tell her as I sit up.      I hear her run and her smile changes when she sees what I have in my hand.     "How did you find it?" She asks me nervous.     "Jack wanted to paint and he is already been looking through your backpack" I approach her with the envelopes in hand ". Tell me they are not for what I think they are for."     "To pay the studio rent-"     "There is still a long way to go before they are to pay for it " she lowers her gaze, avoiding looking at my face "Who have you written to?     "They're legit, Jake" Her tone is no longer soft. It's as if I offended her ", my parents would never betray me.""They may trust you, but surely not me" I reply, and without realizing it, I raise my voice a little ". This is not like going on vacation, you know perfectly well-"     "I know, but I couldn't just forget about them." Now she is the one who raises her voice.     "Have you forgotten what your father does for a living?!" I ask nervously, placing my hands on her shoulders "You are not the one who would be in danger! It would be me!"     "You don't know him like I do!" She gets rid of me, taking the envelopes.      I watch as she reaches for her backpack and puts them away, annoyed.     "What else have you done?" I ask again, more and more nervous "Macie, what have you done?"     "I got into my mail, okay?!" She yells and turns around "I went in disconnected, so no one will know I was reading them."     "Not your friends, but the ones who persecute us are" I approach her again, but she walks away ". It does not matter if you are offline, they will know where you are if you log in" she looks at me biting her nails ", and you know that you are also in the crosshairs so that they catch me."     "I'm sorry! Okay?!" She takes the backpack and puts it on her back, going to the door.     "Where are you going?" I try to use a calmer tone, but I cannot. She does not answer me and keeps walking away "Macie!"      She leaves the room slamming the door. I try to calm down, if I want to talk to her about this, I have to calm down first. Both.     "You two get angry because of me?" Jack asks me, his voice shaking.     "No, it is not your fault." I take a deep breath and look at him calmer "Stay here okay? I will talk to her."      He nods and I leave the room, closing slowly. 

I can hear her footsteps. Stomp hard. She goes up to the roof and I follow her slowly. Each step I take is an inhalation and an exhalation. I try to understand why she did it. She has always wanted to protect those she loves, perhaps with that thought, she will have wanted to keep her parents calm. Or I hope so, because I cannot think of anything else for which she has written to them.

I go out on the roof and see her sitting near the edge. I am surprised she has not left. I slowly approach and sit next to her, keeping quiet. I think it's the first time we've discussed face to face. We do not look at each other. I keep my gaze fixed on the city. Until I completely calm down, I do not speak.     "I thought you were going to leave when you got your backpack" I finally say, my voice calm ". I will not stop you if you decide to leave."     "I haven't taken my backpack because I'm leaving" she answers without looking at me "I don't want you to search my backpack for more things because you don't trust me" she sounds hurt. I do not blame her ", and unfortunately, I love you too much to leave like this" she finally look at me ". I just wanted to calm down a bit."      I nod and settle better on the site. Macie reaches out and take my hand, squeezing hard.     "I just wanted them to know how I was doing" She says lowering her eyes, as if she was afraid that I was going to get angryn "and the addresses that he put were always far from where we stayed" she looks up and I see her eyes are glassy ". Jake, I swear I've never put you in danger by telling our exact location, nor did I think breaking into the mail could have any consequences-"     "It costs a lot to let go of your previous life" I interrupt her sincerely, caressing her hand ". What you should have done at least initially was to tell me that you wrote letters to your parents."     "Would you have stopped me?"     "I do not know" I sigh and see how she looks at me hurt "at least we would have had a better conversation than before."     "I'm so sorry Jake" her voice trembles as she says those words, she grips me more and more strongly ", because of me they're going to separate us, they're going to take Jack away from us-"     "No, they will not" I place my hands on her cheeks. She is putting up with quite a bit of not crying ". They are not going to take Jack from us either, I will be attentive to any warning."     "It's over." she shakes her head, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket.     "What are you going to do?" I ask between confusion and fear.     "Delete the mail app." she says without taking hrr eyes off her cell phone.     "Macie, you do not have to-"     "Yes, I have to" I glance at her screen, watching her delete the app ". I must forget about my past, so I won't put you in danger."     "Do you do it for me?" I worry about her, because she has to abandon everything because of me.     "For us" she takes a deep breath, looking into my eyes, "and the letters are over, Macie won't send any more... Because Macie is dead. She has died today."     "You are not serious."     "Yes I am" She rests her forehead on mine, and I feel her breath tickling my face ". It is my decision, as of today, everything that had to do with my old life is over."     "Are you sure? I will not bother if you decides to leave-"      She kisses me to shut me up, but I finally feel her tears when I feels her wet skin. She separates and looks at me with tears in her eyes.     "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry Jake...I've been stupid."      I hug her tight. I cannot blame her, I was like that in the beginning. I learn with fear to live this way.

She clutches my hoodie tightly and that is when we hear him.     "Are you going to leave us?" We turn to see Jack, who is clinging to his doll.     "No honey, I'm not leaving" Angel sits up, wiping away her tears ", we just had to talk, nothing more" I see how she smiles at him, opening her arms ". Come with us Jack."      I see his face light up and he runs to her, hugging her. I look at them and smile. And she will want to deny that she is uncomfortable with the child.     "Don't worry, mom is never going to leave you." I blink in surprise hearing her, even Jack makes a surprised exclamation sound.      I let out a small laugh and she looks at me, now smiling at me.     "I mustn't feel alone" she says, looking at us ", because I have you." She pokes Jack on the nose and he laughs.      I must assume that we are already a family. An idea crosses my mind. It may be crazy, something that would never have occurred to me. But I promised, I will keep them safe. I will give them a better life than running away forever. 

Chapter 12

[timeoverload]

I had to leave work around 10:30 this morning. I tried so hard to keep moving but I couldn't do it. I can't stand for very long and it's hard to keep my balance. Last night my sock was blood stained when I took my shoes off even though I don't have any visible wounds so I'm not sure where that's coming from. It happened again today even though I wasn't on my feet as long. My leg won't stop vibrating. I felt so guilty leaving. The pressure on my bladder is worse today and I had to keep rushing to the bathroom. Sorry for sharing that information but it's really uncomfortable. I know I don't have a UTI because I took a test when I got home.

I am going to the spine specialist in the morning and I'm going to try to get in for an injection on Friday. I don't know how the hell I'm going to pay for it. They won't schedule me any more appointments if any of my bills go to collections so I need to get on top of it right away. I don't want to get my injection alone!!! I want someone there to take care of me!! :'( I hope I don't get a spinal headache this time.

I knew something bad was going to happen. I'm so tired of going through this alone. My dad is the only person that has actually been there to help me. I wish I didn't have to ask him to help me all the time. He already has so many other things to worry about. I haven't been able to drive anywhere for weeks due to the snow either. I have a lot of errands to run but I don't expect him to drive me everywhere.

I'm also feeling pissed off at the world because I have to go through all of this without anything to relieve my pain or stop my muscle spasms. I am so uncomfortable!! I wish I lived in Colorado or something... I want to run away sometimes but I know I couldn't do it financially. It's not fair!!! I don't really drink anymore either and it's been over a month since I had a beer. I can't remember the last time I got drunk.

I feel like I will be trapped in this prison (my bedroom) forever. I feel like a feral animal locked in a cage. My mess keeps growing and maybe if I'm lucky it will eventually just suffocate me while I'm sleeping. How the fuck am I supposed to clean when I'm like this?? I have to keep ordering more clothes and I have probably spent thousands of dollars over the past year. I lost track. I don't want to keep doing that and I could have used that money to pay off a lot of my debt. I don't have a choice because I'm not going to wear dirty clothes. I haven't felt good enough to put the new mattress pad on my bed that I bought like 6 months ago and I couldn't get the old one off so I just ripped it in half so I have a space to sit. I don't have sheets on my bed and I just have to lay on blankets. There is so much stuff on my bed that I can't use the other side. How am I supposed to do anything?? I am pathetic. I don't think anyone realizes how bad it is or takes me seriously. I wish someone would put me out of my misery sometimes. I am not going to hurt myself but existing is pretty terrible right now.

I don't think I would be so nasty and angry if I wasn't in so much pain constantly. I don't think people understand that. I'm generally the sweetest person and I try to be kind to everyone but I know I haven't acted that way lately. I feel like I have been very mean and I'm getting worse so I'm sorry for that. No one knows what it's like until it happens to them. Literally anyone can become disabled at any time so don't take anything for granted.

I remember years ago I had a co-worker who had been working in sterile processing for 15 years and she was such a bitch to me all the time and was hard to be around. I was afraid of her. I understand now why she was like that... she was in a lot of pain too. I definitely have a lot more empathy for her now. I hope she is doing better now wherever she is. I've also taken care of a lot of sick people and I know that pain can bring out the worst in someone. People tend to lash out more often when they are desperate for relief because they get ignored otherwise.

My head is killing me because I am dehydrated since I keep having to go to the bathroom almost every hour. It's making me dizzy. I'm glad I don't have to go to work tomorrow because I would probably cry. I managed to take a shower when I got home but it didn't really help me feel better. I think I am going to sleep the rest of the day. I had breakfast but I don't feel like eating anything else today and I don't care about food now. I hate eating. I don't want to be awake anymore because it's depressing and I have no desire to do anything. I'm sorry for being such a downer but this is just how my life is and I don't think it's going to change any time soon.

Hopefully everyone else is having a much better day than I am... thank you for listening to me vent. 💖💖💖

[rebeccccccaaa]

𝔻𝕒𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕖𝕤

___________________

ʙᴜᴄᴋʏ ʙᴀʀɴᴇs x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: Bucky gets hit with that god awful (but really hot) sex pollen. (this was requested)

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: Dub-Con/Non-Con as per usual with sex pollens fics (although i try to write them as consensual as possible :T) Smut obvi (18+ minors dni), slight daddy kink, age gap?, public male masturbation; it's brief but still

TW: very brief mention of possible suicide

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ's ɴᴏᴛᴇs: hot

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“Where are those daisies we collected from the last mission?” Tony asked you, eyes staying glued to the hologram in front of him.

“I left them on the quinjet. Fury said to wait for transportation until Shield confirms safety. It’s literally in a glass case, but whatever,” you rolled your eyes, making the older man laugh.

“Just protocol, kid,” he snickered.

Meanwhile Bucky sat with Steve eating lunch, chatting it up like old men do.

“So what did you bring back from the last mission? I saw a bunch of agents in hazmat suits,” Steve said sipping his coffee.

“Uh, well Thor said we should bring some plants back for research, but it seems like a bunch of normal lookin’ daisies,” Bucky shrugged.

“Y/n loves daisies,” Steve smirked.

“Ok?”

“And you love Y/n,” Steve teased.

“No I don’t-”

“Hey boys!” you skipped past the kitchen.

“Y/n,” Bucky said standing up with a big goofy smile on his face.

“Where ‘ya going?” Steve asked with a chuckle.

“Quinjet. Fury gave us the go to start doing tests on that plant you brought the other day,” you smiled lightly jogging to the runway.

“Why don't you ask her on a date, Buck,” Steve nudged.

“Come on, she’s way too smart to go out with a dumbass like me,” Bucky joked.

“Seriously.”

“I don’t know. It’s been years since I’ve talked to another woman. It doesn’t come naturally anymore. Wha- what’s even the first I’d say to her?”

“I don’t know, man. I’m on the same boat with you. Just… Tell how nice she looks today when she comes back.”

“Really?” Bucky asked skeptically.

“Yeah, be nice to her.”

“I am nice to her.”

“I mean be extra nice. Flatter her,” Steve told him, “Go wait in the lab until she comes back and tell her she looks pretty today.”

“Isn’t Tony in the lab?” Bucky asked.

“Ha ha, yeah,” Steve teased, patting his back before leaving to his room.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Tony mumbled seeing Bucky waltzing in the room awkwardly.

“Nothing,” he mumbled back.

Tony dropped his hands and stared at Bucky with an unimpressed look on his face. Everyone but you knew about Barnes’ little boy crush on you but he’s never had the balls to say anything. You were close to Tony and seeing as though he doesn’t particularly like Bucky, he didn’t want you hanging around him. But you were an adult so of course you hung out with whoever you wanted.

He was sure you liked him back too which never ceased to make him roll his eyes.

You walked back from the quinjet with the glass container of daisies. You weren’t exactly a plant expert but it was apparent that these daisies were mutated seeing as though the pollen swirled around the flowers gracefully. It was beautiful but then again they might be extremely dangerous considering it was a Hydra experiment.

“Hey Y/n, off to the lab again?” Steve smiled.

“Yup, gotta check these babies out according to Thor; said they might be dangerous if they’re what he thinks they are,” you said, still walking.

“And what’s that?” you just shrugged at his question unsure of the answer yourself.

“Well, Bucky’s waiting for you in the lab,” he slipped in the conversation.

“Really? Why’s-” Crash!

“Oh no,” Tony mumbled, seeing the collision in action.

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” you stuttered.

“No, no. I should be sorry. Here let me help,” bucky knelt to the ground grabbed the fallen daisies with his bare hands.

“No! Don’t touch-” Tony shouted practically sprinting towards you two.

The golden pollen swirled in a misty manner engulfing Bucky completely. You stared with furrowed brows confused at the sight before you and what was going on. Bucky’s skin began to burn and his senses were being overloaded. All he could smell in that moment was you; the same scent that he got a whiff of this morning when he hugged you, the perfume and the shampoo that filled his senses when you walked passed him.

Tony pushed you out of the lab roughly throwing you in Steve’s arms who was just as confused.

“FRIDAY,” Tony called out.

“Yes, Mr. Stark,” the familiar voice answered.

“Lock all the doors to the lab and maybe turn on the a/c,” he commanded.

“Of course, Mr. Stark.”

All the glass walls and doors instantly shut and locked, locking Bucky inside. Bucky’s eyes found your and slammed his body against the glass desperately trying to reach you. You too ran up to the glass wall trying to understand what had happened to him. Everything was happening so suddenly.

Your forehead was pressed against the glass as was Bucky’s; both of you staring into each other’s eyes momentarily. In that moment, you could see his eyes turn golden for a quick second before his pupils dilated ridiculously before your eyes.

“Is he going to be ok?” you turned away.

“Y/n! Please!” Bucky’s muffled screams shocked you.

“Uh… where’s Thor?” Tony panicked.

“What the hell is happening?” Nat asked; Sam, Wanda, and Vision trailing behind closely.

“Nat,” you ran to her.

“What happened to Bucky?” Same asked.

“He- I ran- I ran into him by a-accident and the box dropped. There was mist everywhere and Bucky's eyes. His eyes,” you stammered breathlessly.

“Please! I need her!” Bucky hit the glass in an attempt to break it.

“Oh my goodness,” Wanda gasped at the sweaty Bucky hitting and practically going feral.

“Oh god, is he gonna be ok?” you teared up. This is your fault, dammit.

“I can asure he will experience no physical harm,” Thor’s voice made all of you turn around.

“Just physically? What the hell does that mean?” Sam argued.

“Well, uh… I’ve never actually seen it’s effects in person. Especially not on a Midguardian…” his voice trailed off and his eyes grew big.

Nat snapped her head, eyes widening as well. Bucky with absolutely no shame held his hard dick in his hands pumping it with his eyes trained on you. You went to turn around seeing nat’s expression but she covered you eyes before you could actually see the lewd behavior Bucky indulged in.

“What’s happening?” you asked holding onto Nat as she led across the room.

“Nothing, they’re gonna take care of Buck. Don’t worry about it,” she said quickly.

You sat in your room bouncing your leg as the movie on your TV played. Every now and then Bucky would moan and cry particularly loud making all of you wince and cringe. But your mind felt foggy simply thinking about Bucky and his safety; especially that moment when his eyes went from confusion to you don’t even know what. Hunger? Desire? Lust?

Whatever it was, it made your tummy flutter.

“Steve, any news on Bucky?” Steve stood at the doorway with a worrisome face that did nothing to ease your already panicked nerves.

“Well, as far as Thor knows the plant that was mutated with the daisies was pollen extracted from a breeding plant common among other galaxies; for species that can’t… reproduce like we do. The pollen enters the system and targets the nociceptors causing excruciating pain without physical harm. If untreated the victim can reach a traumatic state and truthfully, they will do anything to stop the pain; even kill themselves.”

“What the hell does any of that mean?” Sam grunted.

“It means the tin man is painfully horny,” Tony interrupted.

“Are you fucking serious?” Sam said in disbelief.

“What’s the cure?” Nat said.

“Oxytocin, of course,” Tony said.

“The cuddle hormone,” you whispered.

“Yup. Banner and I are already working on a serum containing artificial oxytocin in hopes to minimize the pain or even better cure him completely. We-”

“I’m afraid it’s going to be a bit more complicated than that,” Thor interrupted Tony.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, see the pollen, it’s a little tricky. The oxyputin-thingy you mentioned…”

“Oxytocin,” Tony clarified but Thor didn’t care too much.

“I don't think artificial love is going to cure the boy. If you want results, he needs to be the one he desires most. That’s where you’ll get your oxy-pudding.”

“Oxy- You know what, we can figure this out without anyone needing to have sex,” Tony groaned.

“Tony, maybe we shouldn’t-” you started.

“Nope, we can do this. We’re science bros,” Tony stormed away like a child.

“Isn’t your lab being ‘occupied’,” Nat called out.

“Shit!”

-

Hours went by and the oxytocin experiments were clearly a fail. The first dose did nothing. The second also nothing. The third relieved him for only ten seconds before he went back to his painful state. Since then, they haven’t been able to help or relieve Bucky’s circumstance any longer.

You thought about Thor’s words, about how the one he desires most could cure him. A ping of jealousy struck your heart but you knew you to find the woman Bucky loved and just pray that she'd help him. You made your way back to the lad area where Tony and Bruce had their new makeshift set up while the lab was locked down.

“Tony, this is ridiculous. It’s been going on for too long. You heard what Thor said about what happens when it gets too much,” you begged.

“And what do you suggest we do?” Tony said angrily.

“We need to find the woman that Bucky loves so she can help him,” you argued back.

“It's not just some woman, Y/n! He wants you.”

“What?”

“All the bastard’s been doing for the past eight hours has been masterbating while moaning your name. I’m not putting you in that situation,” Tony yelled.

You couldn’t speak. Was he telling you the truth? Did Bucky want you like that? The same way you secretly wanted him? It’s not like you haven't thought about what being with Bucky would be like before. He was perfect; so handsome and charming.

You ran back to your room where the rest of the guys still were practically out of breath; your heart hammering out of your chest and your stomach fluttering like it does whenever you think about Bucky.

“I need to get to Bucky,” you panted out.

“What?”

“Please you guys need to help me. Tony said that Bucky wants me; I mean can you believe. A guy like him wanting me? I’m just… nobody. He’s way too out of my league and-”

“Y/n, focus,” Nat said.

“Right. I- I want to help him. I know I can.”

“Y/n, we don’t know how dangerous this is. I mean, it came from Hydra, this could be weaponized and you could get hurt,” Steve argued.

“Bucky could never hurt me,” you whispered; Nat looked at you softly, understanding the situation better realizing you were probably Bucky’s only chance of a cure.

“You’re not actually considering letting her do this are you?” Steve scolded Nat.

"Are Tony and Bruce making any progress?" she sighed.

"They haven't been to even relieve his pain for longer than ten seconds," you whispered.

"Steve, this is Bucky we're talking about. Hasn't he endure enough torture in his life?" Nat said softly.

That seemed to convince him. Seeing Bucky in so much pain like he had been only years ago was unfair, especially when they technically already knew a cure. Waiting this out was pure evil at this point.

"How do you suppose we go about this?" he asked.

You devised a plan in order to let Bucky from the lab; he'd find his way to you on his own. Wanda stood from afar using her powers to tamper with the equipment. Tony frustratingly would have to run across the compound to the conference rooms to grab new devices in order to continue with his notes and tests.

On his way back, Steve and his convincing and charming ways would stall Tony's return asking him all sorts of questions about Bucky's state. Meanwhile, Thor made up some excuse to lure Banner away just for a minute so Nat and Sam could override the lockdown through Friday and free Bucky.

All the while you sat in your room waiting anxiously for Bucky to barge through the door and have his way with you.

A few minutes went by and no sign of a ruckus you'd assume would accompany the escape plan. You fiddled with the hem of your skirt biting your lip in anticipation. Still no sign after a couple more minutes. Wanting to make sure you still looked alright for Buck, although he'd probably not even acknowledge your appearance, you stood up to walk to your bathroom.

Just as you stood up, Bucky in all his muscle and broad glory slammed the door behind him staring at you with nothing but desperate hunger. Your stomach flipped when you saw him lock the door, pushing a small chair you had just next to it in front of the door under the handle.

He stalked towards practically panting and you took in his appearance. His hair was quite disheveled and sweat lined his forehead and slightly down his neck. Despite that, he still looked so handsome and sexy.

"маленький, all dressed up for me to ruin," he growled crawling up the bed as you crawled back.

"Buck, are you ok? I want to help you," you whispered.

"I'm more than ok now, beautiful," he whispered leaning into you, his nose brushing against yours, chuckling when you visibly trembled.

"Is my красивый маленький ангел gonna let me use her?" he whispered, huskily.

"Bucky, I don't understand what you're saying."

"так драгоценно," he whispered against your lips before pressing himself completely against you.

His hands, contrast between hot and cold, crept under your shirt brushing lightly over your delicate skin. You had somewhat expected Bucky to have no control and use you relentlessly, of which you wouldn't have minded, but this soft ginger foreplay was really making your panties wet.

Bucky slowly lifted the shirt from your body before tossing it to the side and removing his own. His hands cupped your breasts squeezing the soft flesh quite roughly making you sigh and moan at the feeling.

His lips attached themselves to your neck biting and sucking harshly littering your skin with dark purple marks. He nibbled on your ear as he grinding his pelvis against yours, his large erection poking your center making you even more aroused.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you. It smelled just like you," he whispered.

"T- The daisies?"

"I've been craving you, aching for you. Thinking about how good you're gonna feel wrapped around my cock," he panted speeding up his grinding thrusts.

"Buck," you breathed out.

Bucky shuddered over you before stilling for a moment. He couldn't help it, your scent, your warm skin pressed against his, he couldn't hold back anymore coming straight away in his pants.

You brushed his hair softly soothing him from his high. You thought it was over, that he felt better and was finally cured but almost instantly you felt Bucky harden under you, poking between your thighs and you gasped knowing very well it was going to be a long night.

Bucky stood on his knees and pulled your bottoms down your legs nearly ripping the material. He too rid his bottoms throwing them god knows where before climbing back on top of you. You stared adorably up at him and Bucky almost came again. He smiled softly at you before kissing you once more.

Suddenly, loud bangs on your door startled you but not Bucky.

"What the hell are you doing!" Tony screamed.

"Tony, you gotta stop! This is the only way! It's not fair to him to let him keep suffering. He's done enough of that, ok?" Nat shouted.

"She's gonna get hurt," Tony sighed.

"No she won't. This was her idea."

Tony looked back teary eyed. He really cared for you as his own and putting you in a situation like this wasn't fair to you either. He really tried to help but this was just too complicated and too advanced to solve in only a few hours. They were right, Bucky needed you as much as he didn't like that idea too much.

"Fine."

Bucky lined his cock with your entrance wrapping your legs around his waist. Slowly he pushed in pulling moans from you both. You've only had a couple lovers previous to Bucky but neither of them ever filled you so perfectly. Bucky stretched you out like none other and admittedly he wanted to use his fingers on you first but he'd been away for too long it was too painful to go another second without being inside you.

"So tight and warm, little one. Feel so fucking good wrapped around me."

"Buck," you moaned.

You wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him impossibly closer to you as you kissed along his neck and jaw. Bucky moaned breathlessly in your ear and you couldn't help the clenching around him from arousal.

"Fuck, keep doing that, little one," he groaned.

Toy squeezed your thighs together and clenched around him again making him groan louder this time. His thrusts became sporadic and you moved against like a ragdoll unable to keep up with his relentless pace.

Your legs began to shake and your back arched into his chest reaching you first high of the night, gushing all over his cock. You realize he hasn't come and gently push him off you before flipping over to let him take you again from behind.

As expected, Bucky pushed into once again deeper this time and you shuddered under his hand that rested atop your arched back. Bucky smacked and kneaded your ass thrusting in and out. The lewd squelching sound of his thrust mixed with the sound of skin slapping against each other echoed in the room.

"Shit, little one. Taking my cock so fucking well," he reached forward and bunch up your hair pulling your head back harshly.

“Shit,” you mumbled.

Your knuckles turned white as you gripped the sheets as hard as you could. You were approaching your orgasm quickly and you weren't going to be able to hold back any longer. Your pussy clenched around Bucky's cock making him throw his head back in pleasure.

"Please, Bucky," you whimpered.

"You wanna come, darling. You wanna cream all over daddy's cock?"

"Yes! Fuck!" your arms shook before giving out completely; your head buried in the sheets as Bucky continued that same wild and rough pace.

"Please let me come, daddy!"

Your body felt on fire. No one has ever made you feel this good before, it was almost too much, too overwhelming. Tears brimmed your eyes from trying to desperately hold back. You wanted to come with Bucky but seeing as his pace had yet to slow down you were beginning to think he wasn't even close.

"Let go, doll."

Your body squirmed beneath him as you released all over his dick. You came with a near shout, your body violently trembling from the intensity of your high. Bucky slowed his pace for your comfort, gently riding your orgasm slowly down despite his still aching erection.

He languidly rolled you over to your back, his hands softly rubbing your sides up to your breasts. You breathed heavily, eyes feeling droopy, all you could feel in that moment was his cum dripping from you onto the sheets.

Bucky, still knelt on the bed and still chasing his release, lifted your legs over his thighs gripping your hip with one hand and his cock with the other. You squeezed your thighs together when you felt his tip poking at your entrance once again, soft whimpers emitting from you shakily.

"Such a good girl. Gonna let me take you again? Gonna let me keep using you?" he moaned.

"Use me, Buck. I'm all yours," you breathed out.

Bucky pushed himself past your folds once again, your cum easily letting him slide in. Both his hands made home on your hips gripping hardly surely to leave marks for you to remember this very moment. You looked at Bucky as his thrusts slowly began to pick up, bringing your own hands to your breasts to play with your nipples. You twisted the perked buds, moaning softly at the feeling as well as Bucky filling you perfectly once again.

"Filling me up so good, baby," you moaned, arching your back slightly allowing Bucky to hit a newer and deeper angle inside you.

"Pussy was fucking made for me," he growled.

His hand moved from its home on your hip right over your lower belly where he could feel his cock so deep poking his own hand through your tummy.

"Feel how fucking deep I am?"

You moved your hand and he pressed yours in the same spot under his and you moaned loudly, shuddering under him.

His pace quickened and for a moment he thought he was going to finally reach his high, that release he'd been thinking about for hours today, but when he felt you clench again, squeezing his cock tightly and he didn't cum, he knew it was gonna be chase that he didn't know you'd be up for. You gushed all over his dick, back arching and your legs pressing tight around his torso, coming with a loud scream of his name.

Bucky fell forward with tears in his eyes. His skin still felt hot and sticky. His sense felt dialed up to an eleven. It was all so overwhelming and all he wanted was to cum in you and hold you closer whispering how he really loved you. He pressed faint kisses to you equally sticky and warm skin and when you felt warm liquid dripping onto your skin to lift Bucky's head to find him crying.

"What's wrong, baby?"

“I can’t cum. I just wanna cum,” he whined.

“Hey, hey. It’s ok. I can go as many times as you need me to. I want to help you, let me do that.”

“Can- Can you uh… use your mouth please? I want to feel those pretty lips wrapped around my cock so bad,” he moaned.

“Of course, baby. I’d do anything for you,” you smirked before pushing him and crawling over him holding his dick in your hand.

-

Hours and literally hours had passed until Bucky was finally tired out only having cum three times compared to the fifteen-plus times you had. Your bed laid on the ground; the wooden stands snapped about two hours ago. Most of your sheets were torn to shreds and marks littered your body from your neck down to your hips and your knees from, well you know.

Your body shook as you laid in a fetal position. You burned between your thighs; the soreness overwhelming but pleasant at the same time. Sweat made what was left of the sheets stick to your body until Bucky pulled them from you to clean you. He used a warm towel all over your body with tears in his eyes whispering how sorry he was about everything.

“I swear I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m so sorry. I understand if you hate me now; if you never want to see me again. Just know that I’m so sorry about your bed, the blankets, if I hurt you, everything,” he sniffled, eyes and nose red and puffy.

“Bucky,” you whispered, your voice raspy and croaky from your moaning and screaming all night.

“Y/n,” he whispered back. You pulled him by the back of his neck into a soft yet passionate kiss.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” he breathed out when you pulled away. You cupped his face with shaky hands but a smile on your face.

“Do you mean it?”

“Of course. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I’ve dreamt about holding you far too many times, more than I’d like to admit. I should’ve told you sooner but like everyone else, I was scared you didn’t like me back; at least not this way,” he rubbed your legs indicating the intimate love he had for you.

“Buck, it’s virtually impossible for anyone not to fall in love with you. Unless they’re Tony,” you giggled as did he.

“Can you say it?” he asked softly.

“That I love you?” you smiled brushing your nose against his; Bucky practically purred as he nodded.

“I love you, James,” you whispered.

“Fuck, I love you too.”

He laid you down softly again on the broken bed pressing light kisses all over your collarbones and shoulders. You brushed his hair with your fingers as he clung onto you ready to sleep.

“Thank you again, doll. For helping me today,” he said after a couple minutes of silence.

“Of course, my love. Besides I’m the one who ran into you with those damn daisies.”

“Thank god for them then. And for your clumsiness,” Bucky chuckled.

“Meanie,” you snorted, making Bucky laugh even more.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Buck.”

ᴛᴀɢʟɪsᴛ: (For all my work)

@mathletemadison​

@buckybarnes101​

@l-sofiamia-l

@pluto-grl

@partr1dge

@stefans-wife

@cordeliaswhore

@fleurlovesbucky

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Bucky Barnes Taglist:

@stolenxkissess

[katsukikitten]

I present to you overworked. A comfort one shot I made hella quick for @mindninjax myself and anyone else who needs some bakugou comfort today. Please enjoy and let Bakugou be here for you if no one else can. 😊

Header by me!

Your phone softly vibrates on your desk as your eyes burn from staring at a screen filled with information that is familiar, information that you should know but just cannot retain. 

Or focus. 

So your phone is a happy distraction as you reach for it, only to be slightly annoyed by to a message from your hot headed friend. 

Grumpyasshole: Oi, haven't heard from you in that stupid ass group chat all week. Dunce face and shitty hair wanna know what's pissed in your cheerios 

Tongue in your cheek you debate on replying. You had ignored a slew of messages from your friends, in the group chat and even your dms sat smiling faces trapped in their little bubbles but you had always turned your phone face down. Too caught up in stress to be able to fulfill any social quota but your friends must have been desperate to convince the token grump of the group to message you. Privately at that. 

In a matter of seconds your thumbs slide across the virtual keyboard, knowing you could be honest with Bakugou, that the Pro hero could handle any sort of emotional load with ease. 

You thought it most likely because he did not care in the first place to store the baggage, at least not anywhere for long. 

You: Just feeling really run down from work. I think I'm over my head but probably too prideful to admit. Lol. Please tell everyone I'm sorry, that I'm just busy and I'll be back on my bullshit hopefully by Friday. 

Before you can even set your phone down you see that Bakugou leaves you on read. Your snort softly as you shake your head, tossing your phone aside for work. 

"Typical." You mutter to yourself. Reaching for your iced coffee only to find it empty. You debate if you should take a trip to get more. On one hand the air, despite the rain would do you good, you're sure your deskmate would gladly take a coffee. On the other, everyone in the office would stuff your hands with bills and credit cards begging you'd bring them some of that sweet nectar back. No one would care that you wouldn't haven't a hand for your umbrella and your hair would get totally fucked. 

So you decide to suffer in silence, as you always do. 

Hours slip through your fingers before your eyes glance at the small clock on the bottom right hand side of your computer. Steadily counting the minutes in the small banner. You sigh. Bringing your head down between your arms as your fingers lightly fist your hair at your nape. You felt as if you accomplished nothing, what with how much was left. 

At least your desk was clean and your shirt was cute, a good view for a few spine numbing minutes. You think you smell caramel wafting through the air, a part of you annoyed that your desk mate would venture the rain for her normal caramel latte without offering 

This is how Bakugou finds you when he approaches your desk, a sneer settled on his handsome features. Dirt and sweat clinging to his skin and the dark fabric of his hero suit. He crosses his arms, long gone are the obnoxious grenade gauntlets as his chest puffs. 

People in the office are staring at the blonde, his jagged domino mask making his garnet eyes that much more intense. Tension rises in the air as you're so oblivious, still collecting yourself silently praying that when you look back up the clock would read closer to five. 

"Oi." His voice is a deep rumble, not belonging in the office. No it belonged in the living room of your crazy packed house to one of your many roommates. It belonged at a bar, nagging that it's time to go when you were too drunk to fend off any prying hands, pestering you about your feet as he dragged you home. This voice belonged in the kitchen fussing at Denki for the stupid memes he puts in the group chat when all of you were 'right fucking here'. 

This voice did not belong in the office and so a part of you thinks you're seriously losing your shit before you glance up at the clock. Time moved like a sloth for you since the last you looked only ten minutes had passed. Kronos laughing at your plea of having time continue to move as light speed only to seemingly stop. 

"OI! Is yer head so far up yer ass ya can't fuckin hear me now, Princess?" Wait, who was using that nickname? 

That nickname thrust upon you by that grumpy asshole roommate once he saw how "high maintenance" you were when clearly you just cared about yourself for yourself. He did it as a jest but it made your whole body heat and go rigid every damn time. 

And he took notice in it. 

Delight even. 

And took notice in the way you hadn't been putting in much effort for yourself. Not taking the time for your hair, or your skincare routine that you forced on the whole house. Everyone dewy in their own right. How you look disheveled and bewildered now as you turned to face him. 

Large eyes going doe like, mouth forming in the smallest O that had him shifting his weight from one foot to the other because of his darker, lingering thoughts. 

How would you sound when he was buried…

He cuts the thought off with a pop of his skin, pulling you to your feet from your desk. 

"What are you doing?" Your voice cracks from shock, worry and a bit of venom leaks through but you make no effort to break free. 

"Wrap this shit up. I told yer boss I need your dumb ass for something." 

"Like what? I-" Bakugou cuts you off by leaning in close, eyes dark as he presses his lips to the shell of your ear. 

"You need a fucking day off. So I told your boss to fuck off and that you're coming home with me." His tone absolute. So you save your last bit of work, clock out before Bakugou passes you your jacket. He glares into the glass of your manager's office and you notice him crumble beneath that infamous burning gaze. 

Part of you wonders what Bakugou had really said, wonders if you'd still had a job. 

The two of you stand under the awning of your office building. The rain coming down in sheets, thick enough it almost blurs the cityscape.  Bakugou sighs, tension leaving his body as he tilts his neck. It cracks from the effort. 

"So what...what are we gonna do?" 

"I'm going to take your stupid ass home. Force you to shower while I order take out, then I'm going to set your overworked ass on the couch and we are going to watch that fucking movie you never shut up about. Got it Princess?" He fixes you a glare and is extra careful to drag out your nickname ever so slightly as he leans towards you. Your faces are close together, your heart in your throat as you try to push down these stupid, fleeting feelings you've had for the hot head since the six of you moved into that almost run down house. 

But you never could shake them. 

You senses fill with spiced caramel, easing the tension of your shoulders. 

"G-got it." 

[quicksilverownsmysoul]

Coffee of the Week pt.2

Icon credit: @thatspookyagent

Summary: This is the second part to Coffee of the Week, where Colin takes the reader out for their date. You can read Part 1 Here

Warnings: None this is pure fluff

Word Count: 2245

"So," Mare said in a bored voice. "Have you decided where you're taking her for your date tonight?" Colin paused for a moment before answering, which confirmed Mare’s suspicions

"No I have not." Colin said, doing his best to avoid Mare's judgmental eyes. 

"Really man, you had all week to think of a place."

"I know." He signed leaning back in his chair, he swiveled it to the side to face Mare. "But like where would I even take her? There's only like three restaurants in Eastown." 

"Hey!” Mare said defensively. "We have four restaurants you're forgetting the KFC that's attached to the Taco Bell." Mare joked as she began to put away her papers. 

'My bad." Colin smiled to himself at Mare's little joke. It seems that lately she was warming up to him, it was nice to be able to joke and talk to her like this. He watched as she cleaned up the rest of her desk.

"But seriously where are you taking her." Mare glanced at the clock on her computer screen before shutting it down. "It's already 6:30 you should be getting ready by now."

Colin glanced down at himself. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing now?"

Mare pursed her lips. "Nothing. Just forget I said anything." 

"See there's another thing I have to worry about now." Colin ran a hand down his face. "I haven't even been here that long so I don't really know where is a good place to eat at.” Colin sat with his head in his hands for a moment before lifting it up, eyes glancing towards Mare. He turned slowly towards Mare, a hopeful smile on his face. "Unless you-"

"No." 

"Mare-"

"No."

"If you could recommend-"

"No." 

"Mare please!” He had stood up at this point and moved towards Mare’s desk, she had scooted her chair away from his approaching form, her face scrunched up at his persistent pleading. “Please tell me where to take her! I really like her and I don’t wanna mess up." Mare finally glanced over at him through the corner of her eye. He looked like a kicked puppy, he was so desperate it physically hurt her. 

She sighed. "Fine." Colin's face split open in a wide smile. "Stop that." She snapped, he immediately tried to change his facial expression back to neutral but Mare could see he was trying to fight back his smile. "You should take her to the Italian restaurant that's near the center of town, one of my friends works there." She tore a piece of paper off one of her reports. "Tell her that Mare sent you and she'll make sure to give you a good table and treat you and (y/n) well." She handed the paper over to Colin.

His eagerly grabbed it and smiled widely at Mare, "Thank you so much Mare you-"

She held her hand up to silence him, pointing an accusing finger. "Don't make this into a big deal detective." Mare shrugged on her coat and made her way towards the door. "And if you tell her it's a date she'll throw in a free dessert.

"Thank y-"

"Not. A. Big. Deal." Mare slammed the door shut. Colin smiled at her fading figure, she was definitely warming up to him.

Colin’s heart was beating out of his chest as he pulled up to your house, a million thoughts running through his head. Things like was he too early? It was only 7:30 he wasn't supposed to pick you up till 8:00. What if you weren't ready, was he dressed up enough, was he over dressed?? He shook his head trying to clear all the thoughts that plagued him. 

He made his way to your front door and after a few seconds of hesitation rang your doorbell. The sound of loud barking made him jump up in surprise. “I’m coming.” He heard your voice yell and the sounds of your footsteps approaching the door. You opened the door with a smile, you were holding a big fluffy dog by its collar as it strained against your hold. “Hey Colin! Sorry about him, he always barks when someone is at the door.” He glanced down at the dog, it was eagerly trying to pull its way towards him, tail wagging intensely. “Let me go put him outside. I don’t want him jumping all over you.”

With zero hesitation Colin said. “Let him go.”

“What?” You asked in surprise.

“Let him go, I wanna meet him.”

You let out a little laugh.“ Are you sure? He’s a jumper.”

“Of course!” You let go of your dog’s collar and he went barreling towards Colin, who was squatting down with his arms wide open. Your dog ran into his arms and knocked him flat on his back. You rushed forward to pull your dog back until you saw Colin laughing. Your dog was licking him all over while Colin nestled his face into your dog’s fur. “You’re such a good boy aren't you?” Colin asked as he petted your dog, your dog just wagged his tail even faster and tried to lick Colin’s face even more, you smiled at the sight 

“It seems he likes you.” You giggled out. 

“What’s his name?”

“His name is Tino.” 

“Hello Tino, I’m Colin.” Colin shook your dogs paw introducing himself. You smiled at his antics and squatted down next to him, rubbing Tino’s soft ears in your hand. “What kinda dog is he?” 

“I’m not sure, I adopted him from the center in town and no one seemed to know what kind he was.” Colin nodded at your answer and tried his best to stand back up, it was a task in itself since Tino kept trying to knock him back down. You stood up as well and let out a small laugh at Colin’s appearance. “What?” He asked. His once crisp shirt was wrinkled, and his perfectly combed hair was all tousled. He was covered head to toe in dog fur. 

“I think Tino may have gotten a little bit of fur on you.” He glanced down and saw all the dog's hair sticking to him. He laughed with you and did his best to try and pick the dog hair off. ‘Wait here.” You went inside and came back with a lint roller in hand. He took it and began to roll it up and down his clothes. You moved closer to him and brushed his hair out of his face, smoothing it back into place. He blushed at the action. 

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yea! Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise!” You laughed, it really wasn't he only really had three options on where to take you in Easttown. And you figured it wasn't going to be the Taco Bell or KFC. 

The ride to the restaurant didn't take too long and in no time you two had pulled up to the place. He parked and rushed out of the car to your side. He opened your door for you and you swooned at the old fashioned action. You looped your arm through his and he led you to the door, he whispered something to the hostess and she smiled widely and quickly led you two to a table. It was almost sectioned off from the other ones, it had an aura of privacy to it. She rushed over and placed a rose in the vase at the center of the table and lit up the candles. Colin pulled the chair out for you before sitting down on his own. 

He picked at the table cloth, not meeting your eyes. “‘So, did I pick a good place?’ He asked with a nervous smile.

“Mhmm, this is my favorite out of all of Easttown’s numerous restaurants.” You smiled at him coyly, he let out a little laugh. 

The rest of the night seemed to speed by, you and Colin just clicked, there wasn’t a moment that wasn't filled with conversation. Either about his work or about your own, him telling stories about his current cases or you telling him about the rude customers you had gotten that day. Then it shifted towards talking about your favorite tv shows or movies. He admitted that his job didn't leave him much time to watch tv and you vowed that one of your date nights had to be a tv or movie marathon. He blushed at the insulation that there was going to be a second date. 

You two had just finished off your meals when the hostess came by holding a piece of Tiramisu, you let yourself think about the irony of it. You guys had met at your coffee shop and here you were on your first date beings served a coffee flavored dessert. She set it down in front of you two. The plate was decorated with chocolate powder in the shape of a heart. You glanced down at the table and noticed Colin’s hand resting on the table, inching its way closer to yours. You closed the distance and placed your hand over his, squeezing it lightly. He smiled up at you and you returned it. He let you take the first bite of the desert, and he even let you have the last bite. He was a true gentleman through and through. 

The drive home was filled with constant loving stares back and forth, your hands resting intertwined on your thigh. When you guys got back to your place you didn't want to leave the car, it had been a while since you had a date like that. One filled with so much comfort and romance, one you never wanted to end. More often that you went on dates with sleazy men that picked you up two hours late and flirted with your hostess. Which resulted in you sneaking out the bathroom window and drinking your sorrows away at the bar. But you had a feeling you wouldn't be ditching any of your upcoming dates. 

Colin, being the gentleman he was, got out and went to open your door for you, much to his and your own dismay. You slid out of the seat and walked as slowly as possible to your front door. He held both your hands in his own. “This was fun.” He looked down at his shoes, not meeting your eyes, fearing you wouldn’t agree with him.

“It really was, we should do it again.” His head whipped up at your response, a smile taking hold of his features. 

“How does next Friday sound?”

“LIke it’s too far away.” He blushed at your words. “But I think I can wait till then if you continue to come by every morning.” 

“Well I couldn't very well start each day without the best cup of coffee in the world now could I?”

“Oh shut up.” You giggled, his heart fluttered at being able to make you laugh. What he wouldn't give to spend the rest of his life trying to make you laugh. A little warning light went off in him at that thought, was he seriously already thinking of spending his life with you. You guys had only met this week and it was only your first date. What if you thought he was moving too fast? What if you didn't want to even go out again? Wait, you had just said you wanted to go out again. He was spiraling, lost in his own thoughts. You saw his brow furrow and reached your hand out to smooth out his worry lines. 

“What’s bugging’ ya detective?” His eyes widened at hearing your sweet voice address him by detective. 

“Nothing, just lost in my thoughts.” His ears turned red at the realization he had just zoned out in front of you. You just giggled, moving your hand down to cup his face. He leaned into your soft touch and slowly moved his hands up to rest on your waist. He pulled you closer and you began to slowly move forward. Your lips connected, it was very soft and hesitant. You moved your other hand up to cup the back of his neck, running your fingers near the edges of his hair. The wind blew softly around you two, making your hair and his coat flutter. You pulled away and rested your foreheads together. You looked up at him through your lashes, reluctantly beginning to pull away. “Goodnight detective.” 

He pulled away as well, letting his hand linger in your own, holding on to your fingertips until he couldn't anymore. “Goodnight (y/n), I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“I can’t wait.” You closed the door and he stayed outside your door until he heard the locks click shut. Once he knew you were safe he made his way back to the car, pumping his arms in the air, in joy. 

Unknown to him you were watching his little display of happiness from your window. You did your best to suppress a fit of giggles as you sat down at the little window seat, unfastening your heels and tossing them to the floor. You tucked your feet underneath yourself and watched him get back into his car, a smile never leaving his face, and never leaving yours. You gently touch your fingertips to your lips, the lingering taste of his lips on your own. You sighed at the memory,  he was going to be the death of you. 

[julemmaes]

Honey - part two

Elide Lochan x Lorcan Salvaterre roommates au

A/N: I’m so tired yall have no idea. My eyes are burning and my fingers are cramping cause I’ve been writing all day to get this done, so yeah, I’m very satisfied and some of the blogs that I consider big or are big for a fact started following me and commented on the first part, so I freaked out a little, but I can tell that I’ll sleep peacefully tonight because of that, so thank you all. Enjoy!:)

Oh, and I almost forgot, the song at the end is called “Honey” and it’s by Johnny Balik (shoker, as my man Kieran would say)

masterlist

Word count: 4,966

Lorcan's least favourite day was definitely Friday, unlike all people his age. Not because he didn't like going out in the city at night to have fun and drink until you forgot even your mother's name, but because it was the only day of the week he had to work at both the shelter and the toy shop.

He loved working with the dogs and the few cats they brought in, and although he wasn't really a people person, he enjoyed spending time deciding with the kids and parents what was the best gift to go home with. And although Lorcan would never admit it out loud, he had grown fond of some of the regulars - especially a mother of three who he knew worked as a lawyer in one of the offices above the shop. Almost every day she would come in during her lunch break to buy one of those surprise sachets that cost a euro each and if Lorcan didn't see her coming before he went on his break, he would wait a few minutes before closing up just for her. Elide had managed to find out this detail a few months later after she moved in and he knew she would never stop teasing him because he had a heart of gold.

The phone vibrated in his hand just as he got behind the wheel and he wasn't at all surprised to see that the last message he had gotten was from Elide.

He huffed, not even opening yet another link that would surely send him to yet another website with information on why the world was ending very slowly and why humans were to be blamed entirely. He started the car and drove off towards their house.

Lorcan wasn't a bad person and he really cared about everything Elide was sending him, but he was tremendously tired and all he could think about was how much he wanted to take a shower and pass out in his bed. The fact that none of this was going to happen because Fenrys and Rowan had forced him to accept the invitation out to dinner made it all worse.

It took him less than ten minutes to get home and when he parked and saw the lights in their living room on, he seriously considered backing up and getting out of there to get to Vaughan's house before Elide noticed his car and he wouldn't be able to get away no more.

He was sure his friend would take him in without question if he asked to put him up for a night.

But luck was not on his side as Elide's petite figure appeared in the window and Lorcan could not see her face, but he knew she was smiling as she bounced and waved to greet him.

Despite everything, Lorcan raised his hand in turn and smiled back at her, knowing full well that even she could not see him so low and hidden by the evening shadows.

As he climbed the sixth flight of stairs and mentally prepared himself for two more, he could foresee the flood of words that would wash over him when he entered the house. Elide hadn't kept quiet for the entire day, sending him voice messages and staying with him on calls for the entire duration of his lunch break, so much so that at one point he had wondered if she had gone to class and then to work. He had discovered that yes, she had gone, but she hadn't paid the slightest attention to what they had explained and had gotten half the customers' orders wrong.

When he opened the front door, he recognized the melody of one of the songs she'd put on her apology playlist, the one he'd made for her nearly three weeks earlier after she'd found out he still smoked. She'd seemed so hurt that after he'd gone to bed and cleaned the tiles of his blood until they glistened, he'd stood at the kitchen table and spent hours and hours searching for the perfect apology songs. A bit dramatic perhaps, but it had had the desired effect.

He sighed, slipping off his jacket and putting it as far away from Elide's as possible, so that no animal hair would get on hers. He would clean it later.

The girl in question sputtered out of the living room with a beaming smile on her face, her cheeks strangely red and her eyes so bright they were glossy, "Hello, handsome."

"Hi, Ellie." he murmured, straightening his back and making the bones in his neck crack. Elide approached and Lorcan took a step back, bumping his back against the door, "I haven't showered yet," he put his hands forward to keep her at arm's length, "you can touch and hug me all you want later, but please not now," he begged her.

She gave the cutest pout he had ever seen, "But-"

"No buts, you can wait three minutes for me to wash up without dying," he continued, walking past her without touching her or making any overly sudden movements.

"You're such a pain in the ass," she complained, that adorable pout deepening all the more, "I can always take the antihistamine if I get allergies."

Lorcan shook his head, turning a confused expression on her, "I'd rather you didn't take medication just because you want to hug me."

It was true.

To their great misfortune, Elide was one of the very few people he knew who was allergic to animal hair. Any animal. More precisely, she was allergic to the mites that lived in the fur and the dust that accumulated in it in enormous quantities even on a normal basis. Given that the dogs Lorcan worked with were left to run loose in the fields all day, when he came home he was covered in anything that could kill his friend and roommate in one sniff and he didn't want to have to take her to the emergency room again because they couldn't tell if she was breathing properly.

It was why every night since he'd started working at the shelter he had taken a shower before doing anything else. It was why their water bill had gone up so much since they had found out about this allergy of hers.

"It's just a pill Lor, it's not like I have to get shots or..." she shrugged, as if to indicate anything more invasive than a simple pill.

He brought his hands in front of his mouth like a prayer, looking her in the eyes, "How many times do I have to explain to you that if you take one type of medicine every day, after a while your body no longer perceives it as an extra foreign thing to help you, but as the norm and so it no longer has any effect?"

Elide grimaced, "I hate you."

He chuckled, walking backwards until he reached the bathroom door, just in case she had the great idea to ambush him and jump on his back, "Just wait five minutes."

"It was three before," she said frowning, "And, speaking of showers-" and then she did something that made Lorcan freeze in his tracks. He didn't register what was going on until Elide's shirt was too high up for him to avoid seeing everything. And by everything, he meant everything.

"Elide what the fuck are you doing?!" he turned around, screaming, then his eyes went wide, trying to figure out if what had just happened was true or not. He squeezed his eyes shut, closing his hands into fists, biting his knuckles, "You're not wearing a fucking bra." he said in a voice sharper than he had intended.

He heard her giggle, but the sound came out muffled, "Loorcaaan." she crooned, "Help."

"I can't turn around Ellie, you're naked," he pointed out to her with his eyes still closed, then in a lower voice, "God, you're naked. What has gotten into you?"

He felt her move as she walked around him and stopped in front of him, "Help." she said in a flat tone. Lorcan had to laugh, her tone reminded him so much of the way the green aliens in Toy Story talked.

"Help what?" he asked letting out an amused laugh.

"I'm stuck." she said slurring her words and he felt her move, she was probably wiggling to get out of her t-shirt. And if she was wiggling, that meant her-

Lorcan took a sharp breath, cursing under his breath and trying to quiet his wandering mind.

He arched an eyebrow, though he was pretty sure she couldn't see him either, as doubt crept into him, "Are you drunk?"

Elide was silent for a while, then giggled like a child, "Just a little tipsy."

"Ellie it's seven o'clock," he exclaimed amused, but surprised to learn that she had been drinking, "why on earth are you drunk at seven?"

"Just a little tipsy," she repeated like a broken record. Then she screeched like a pterodactyl and Lorcan burst out laughing again, turning and taking a step or two forward to avoid risking accidentally touching her once more.

"Alright, why are you just a little tipsy at seven o'clock on a night when we're supposed to be going out with the others?" he asked now a little more eager to know the answer.

He heard her snort audibly, "The world is ending, Lorcan, why won't you understand that?"

He opened his eyes wide, not believing what she was saying, pinning them on the picture their friends had given them for Christmas, the one with all their best pictures collaged on a coloured canvas.

And here he thought he was the dramatic one of the two.

He nodded to himself, "So you're telling me that the reason you decided to get drunk before you even went out is because of global warming?"

He heard a rustle and then something hit him on the head, "Sorry, I didn't mean to slap you," she said in the tone of someone who couldn't care less about having hit him, "Anyway, yeah. Global warming and forests catching fire and animals dying and plastic burning..." she took a deep breath and then continued for a few minutes, making a list of all the things she had learned that afternoon by reading all the articles she could find about why humans were the worst living thing in the world.

Lorcan stood patiently listening to her, occasionally getting lost when she introduced topics that were a little too specific, but listen to her he did. The way she was saying all those things was always reminiscent of the little green aliens, but he knew the subject was more serious than it sounded.

With his arms crossed over his chest, he didn't think he'd moved too much, but at one point Elide sneezed and he cursed himself for not having moved fast enough to go to the bathroom.

"I told you you'd get allergies."

"But I didn't even touch you," she squealed back.

"You know that's not necessary for even your soul to start itching too," he scolded her.

Elide remained silent for a while longer, then started talking again, "And we should seriously get some glass bottles, if I see you with those stupid plastic bottles again I'll kill you. Scout's honor." she threatened him.

Lorcan chuckled, "Elide you've never been in scouts."

"How punctilious of you." she scoffed at him, then gasped, "We could buy matching flasks, with glitter and," she gasped again, sounding increasingly excited, "We could have one of our pictures printed on it."

A smile broke out on Lorcan's lips and he knew that if he had looked in the mirror at that moment he would have seen the face of a boy lost in love. He pulled himself together, straightening his back, trying not to think about how he felt about Elide. It wouldn't have done any good to admit that those feelings were real and tangible inside him.

He was staring at Fenrys' face in one of the pictures they had taken on holiday that summer, when Elide spoke again.

"This is a list of things that should make you understand why we have to shower together."

Lorcan choked on his saliva. He coughed a few times, patting his chest.

How had they gone from polar bears dying from melting ice to them showering together?

"What are you talking about?" he asked her in a squeaky voice.

The fact that she was alluding to them showering together while he knew she was half naked behind him, a breath away practically, made him feel so many different kinds of wrong.

"We can't waste water Lor, it's not hard." she sounded exasperated, then muttered, "Sometimes I really think you're being obtuse or stupid."

Lorcan's eyes went wide, "Wow, thanks Ellie."

"You're welcome." she chipped.

He shook his head, sighing and running a hand over his face, "Don't you think there are plenty of other ways we can start saving the world, before we have to shower together?" he took the fact that she wasn't answering as a cue to continue, "Like start recycling?"

Elide gasped again, making him chuckle, "Did you sign the petition?"

"Which-" he trailed off. She was talking about the petition to have a door-to-door rubbish collection service introduced in their town. Something that would force everyone to sort their garbage. "Yes, I signed it."

"Good." she whispered.

"I signed them all," he reiterated, because it was true and he knew that Elide never sent him stupid petitions, that whatever she sent him must be important and it didn't cost him anything to put his email and name on a website if it meant he could make a difference in his own small way.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it." she said in a weak voice.

Lorcan felt strangely uncomfortable all of a sudden.

And not because of the fact that Elide was naked behind him and had just confessed to wanting to shower with him, but because he would have wanted to turn around and kiss her, not do what any other guy would have thought of doing with a half-naked girl. No. Lorcan just wanted to kiss her and take his time in the process, savour the kiss and not be hasty and quick.

He wanted it to be slow and heartfelt, he wanted her to feel every single thing he couldn't say out loud.

"Lorcan?" she whispered, "I'm always stuck and I'm starting to get cold."

He blinked, "Yeah, you're right." then interrupted. They were silent a few seconds, "You really can't pull your shirt down?"

"No."

He took a deep breath. Then another.

"Okay, I'm going to turn around and keep my eyes closed, please stay still so I don't touch- anything. I'm not touching anything. I'll try to help you." he stammered, clasping his hands along his sides. She made a simple grunt of assent and he huffed, raising his hands in the air and lowering them slowly until he touched her head. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and then released the elbow that had gotten stuck in her shirt.

"Yay." exclaimed Elide.

Sensing that she was moving freely on her own, Lorcan pulled away again and when the sound of clothes stopped, he asked, "Are you done?"

"Yes," she said singing.

His shoulder sagged a little and he smiled. He opened his eyes, ready to move Elide to the side and go take that holy shower, but whatever he'd thought when he'd asked if she was done must have been the exact opposite of what she'd thought, because Elide's tits were freer than ever between the two of them.

Lorcan grunted, slapping a hand over his face to cover his eyes, "What the fuck, Ellie. Stop flashing me, I'm begging you."

He heard her giggle and then a gust of wind and her laughter fading down the corridor let him know she had run off. He opened his eyes tentatively, peering through his fingers to make sure she wasn't still in front of him and sighed with relief when he finally managed to get into the bathroom and lock the door behind him.

He leaned against the sink, clutching the ceramic between his fingers and staring at his reflection in the mirror.

He never thought the first time he would see Elide's tits would be under these circumstances. He ran a hand over his face again, trying to somehow erase the image he knew he would never forget.

He had just stepped into the shower when he heard something very large and heavy slam against the door. Something that seconds later burst out laughing. Lorcan could only follow as he imagined a half-naked Elide running towards the bathroom and failing to stop in time.

"Are you alright, honey?" he asked her just in case. He turned on the water, hissing when he found it frozen, but not moving from under the jet. After all, a cold shower wouldn't hurt him.

"Let me in." she shouted, slamming her fist against the door, "Let me iiin!"

"Are you dressed?"

"No."

"Then you can't come in."

A scream of despair followed by what could only be a fake hysterical cry made him burst out laughing again, but then for a few minutes all that was heard was the sound of the shower and water falling from his hair.  

"Ellie, are you still there?"

The answer came quickly, "Yes."

"Are you still naked?"

"Maybe." then he heard her move against the door and realised she'd been sitting on the floor.

Perfect, he was stuck in there. He reached for the phone and thought of something.

As he finished untangling the knots in his hair and washing out the conditioner, Elide was talking about how harmful the soaps they used were and had even gone so far as to say that they should both shave their heads so as to minimise their impact on the environment.

"What did you do today?" she asked him suddenly.

Lorcan didn't answer, dialling the number of a certain blonde girl who could help him out of this situation. Aelin answered after the fifth ring and Lorcan knew full well that she had done it on purpose, hoping he would hang up so she wouldn't have to talk to him.

"Hello?"

"Listen, something kind of weird happened and I need-"

"Who is this?" Lorcan arched an eyebrow, pulling his ear away from the phone to check the number. It was Aelin's phone. And the chick's voice on the other end was her, he was sure of it. "God, Lorcan, I'm fucking with you, what's up?"

"Funny," he deadpanned, "Elide's already drunk."

"What? But it's not even eight o'clock."

"I know, I came home and she was already like that."

A few moments of silence passed, "Okay, and what do you want me to do?"

"Well, she took her shirt off at one point."

Lorcan waited for a reaction, but Aelin didn't respond.

"And now she's naked in the hallway and blocking the bathroom door and-"

"She's what?" the friend burst out laughing.

"She's naked," he gritted through his teeth, "And she's blocking the bathroom door. I don't know how to get out and I don't want to open the door and push her off and risk hurting her. Is there any way you could come over here and help her? Help me?"

"I’ll make sure she'll never hear the end of it." Aelin laughed louder and Lorcan heard Rowan ask her what was going on. The blonde took breaths before saying, "Ellie flashed Lorcan and how he's stuck in the bathroom because he's afraid of a pair of nice-looking boobies."

"So are you planning on coming?" he asked before he completely lost his patience.

He imagined her wiping tears from under her eyes, "Yes, we'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"We?"

"Me, Ro and Fen. He's the one driving tonight and he picked us up."

"Okay," Lorcan murmured, "but they can't come up to the house."

"Why?" drawled Aelin, "Because you're jealous?"

He counted to ten, restraining himself from hanging up on her, "No, because this is going to be humiliating enough for Elide without two more of her friends seeing her half naked, so please just come up alone."

Aelin huffed, "You're right, but you're no fun."

They said their goodbyes and Lorcan put the phone down, starting to blow dry his hair.

"Lorcan."

"Lorcan."

"Lorcan."

Elide hadn't stopped saying his name for half a second throughout the call and it was starting to annoy him. Then he shook his head, no. He wasn't annoyed by Elide, it was Aelin.

That girl could get under his skin like few could.

"What?"

"You didn't tell me what you did today."

And Lorcan did, so that at least she would stop slamming her hand against the door.

He told her about the last man who'd come to see what dogs he could give his daughter and how he'd seemed so much like the guy who'd abandoned them on the side of the road after not even a week and it had pissed him off. He told her the morning had been even worse, because one of the children had started opening all the toys on display and his mother, who had been right next to him the whole time with her eyes fixed on the phone screen, hadn't stopped him and it had been up to Lorcan to tell him he couldn't do it. It was only then that the woman had realised what a mess it was and had simply apologised to him, running out of the shop so fast that he hadn't even noticed they had left. He had to call his manager and he was not exactly pleased to hear this story, but he also said that they would donate the toys to the church down the street, which was responsible for distributing them to kindergartens in the neighbourhood. That cheered him up a little.

By the time he had finished his story, Aelin had arrived and once he had taken her to her room. Lorcan could finally go out and get ready himself.

***

It was after midnight, the entire group was rocking out on the dance floor of their favorite outdoor club, a place called "The Wild Night" that was on the edge of town, closer to the forest than anything else, and normally Lorcan would have joined his friends to dance and sing, but there was a problem.

A big, huge, handsome problem.

And the problem was called Kyllian.

He couldn't figure out whose idea it had been to invite the boy with them that night, but whoever it was, this person's days were numbered, because Lorcan would kill them first and then use the limbs of their corpse to kill Kyllian.

Kyllian who had now been rubbing up against Elide for hours and who had offered her more drinks than stupid charming grins - and he really was reserving a lot of those for her.

"If you don't stop looking at him like that you're going to make his head explode," someone said, throwing themselves onto the small bench next to him.

He turned his head so fast he wondered how he had managed not to break his neck, "What are you talking about?"

Fenrys arched an eyebrow, "Even if you weren't staring at Kyllian like you wanted to see him disappear off the face of the earth, everyone here, including Elide," he told him with so much as a glare, giving him a slight shove, "would know that you're not really into what's going on on that dance floor."

"He's right," Rowan said to his left, sipping the drink of Aelin's she'd left him. When the hell had he sat there?

Lorcan didn't answer, remaining motionless with his sullen expression.

"I can give you a hand if you want," Fenrys murmured, sucking on the fuchsia straw sticking out of his equally pink glass.

He inhaled through his nose, "And how would you do that?"

"You have to trust me."

"Never." said Lorcan as Rowan said at the same time, "Don't."

Fenrys looked at them both with his mouth wide open and a hand to his chest, "I'm hurt." then finished what was left of the drink in one gulp and stood up abruptly, staggering a little, but holding himself up nonetheless. He cast a glance over his shoulder at the two boys still sitting, grinning, and Lorcan knew immediately what was going to happen.

"Ellie!" he shouted, turning more heads than necessary, "Love of my life!"

Kyllian pulled away from Ellie just enough for Fenrys to grab her hand and spin her around a few times until she burst out laughing and begged him to stop. The new boy didn't even seem to exist anymore as his best friend laced her arms around Fenrys' hips and rocked left and right, increasingly drunk.

Lorcan's heart clenched in his chest as he heard that sound so carefree, so happy.

He didn't realise he was smiling until Rowan cackled beside him, "God, you're fucked."

He didn't pay any attention to him and stood up, keeping his gaze fixed on her face.

He heard Lysandra and Aelin calling his name, hyping him up and threw them a real, quick smile that made them scream even louder, as if they were fans at one of his concerts. When he finally reached Fenrys and Elide's side, the blond spun her around ninety degrees and for a moment she closed her eyes, giggling, intoxicated by the amount of alcohol she had ingested, but when she opened them again and saw Lorcan standing in front of her, a smile as wide as he had ever seen it spread across her face.

"I'll leave you Ellie, you're in good hands," Fenrys told her, winking at him from above her head.

But neither of them even looked at him.

His eyes locked into hers as they both took a step forward and found themselves a caress away. Her chest rose and fell in an agitated rhythm. After all, she'd been dancing with everyone for hours, so much so that Lorcan wondered how she hadn't thrown up yet.

His gaze ran over her body, her bare shoulders, the line of her collarbones, and further down between her breasts. Breasts he'd had the chance to see for a millisecond a few hours before and remembered perfectly. The darker shade of pink that had characterized her-

"Lorcan."

He felt his heart pounding in his throat.

She had never said his name like that.

His eyes went up, sliding over lips so full, so perfect, up, over her nose and then up again, finding hers and the music changed, becoming slower, the lights dimmed as the strobes were turned off. Elide seemed to recognise the tune as her lips parted slightly, "Lor," she repeated. He raised a hand until his knuckles brushed her cheek and when she let go a shuddering breath, Lorcan began to sing under his breath.

"Tell me everything and hold no lies. Say you're waiting for better skies," he leaned forward as his other hand slid to her hip and Elide moved closer, until their bodies were fully joined to each other and one of her legs was between his and their hips were one thing moving in sync with the music. He felt Elide's breath against his neck and had to suppress a shudder when she too began to sing along with him.

"Oh, but honey don't taste like summer no more. Stick around now, I miss you every night,"

He lowered his head even more, brushing her nose with his own. The hand that had been on her cheek had slipped over her shoulder and was now tracing the path down her back, grazing the top of her bottom until it rested on her hip.

"Elide," he whispered, breathing on her lips. She closed her eyes, pushing herself up, towards him, and Lorcan held her tighter, moving his fingers over the exposed skin between her miniskirt and the black top she was wearing and there he was. Elide was there, with him, and she was so close to his body that he could feel the heart beating in her chest.

She was there and the next second... she wasn't. Because Elide had snapped away and was now vomiting on his feet. Lorcan held his breath as she was shaken by another gag and he had just enough time to take a step back that she threw up again.

The people around them quickly scampered away, creating a small circle of spectators and casting a quick glance at his friends he saw that they had a large audience. He just hoped Elide was too drunk to remember what happened the next day.

He looked down and grimaced, all sorts of emotions swirling inside him as the girl he loved clutched at him and puked her dinner all over his clothes.

He cursed at whoever decided how things went for breaking the best moment of his life with vomit and then gathered her hair into a loose ponytail, tying it with an elastic band he kept on his wrist specifically for these occasions.

He heard her whimper and put both hands on her shoulders, stroking her in circular motions to help her warm up. Aelin and Lysandra appeared next to them shortly after and when Ellie was firm enough on her feet to walk, they stepped over the pool of vomit and Lorcan wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pushing her towards the exit.

"Let's go home, Ellie."

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[syuga-s]

The Last Time

w.c 4.3k

pairing. Jooheon x gn!reader

genre. angst, a little fluff maybe, idk how to classify it but it's my take on relationships in real life(?)

a/n. (warnings) I throw some curses here and there, mention of the word "sex" once, tried to make it as gender-neutral as possible, I could really use some help about t/w, feedback is more than welcome, hope you like the fic 🧍‍♀️

Once again you were at the same bar. With the same friends. Same music. Same drinks. It's safe to say that nothing's changed in here but you.

For some reason, you were awfully quiet tonight. Everyone was away from the table by now. All of them talking and dancing in groups.

You were regretting saying yes to going out the very moment Jasmine was at your front door. But your best friend really wanted to get you out of your house.

The thing is you weren’t going to be alone, all of your friends were tagging along. I guess I need to suck it up, maybe I could have fun, despite him.

And you really tried, there was no need to make a scene anymore. All of your friends have had their fair share of nights seeing you 'talk' with him and making things awkward for everyone. It's been a while, though. You haven't seen him in exactly 2 years.

How do I explain this? There's no resentment anymore, no hate for what happened between you. But when there's a choice between spending your Friday night at the same place as him or staying at home? Well...

But tonight was clearly different. Something (Jasmine) had dragged you here and to be quite honest, it hasn’t been half bad yet. Jasmine kept waiting for you to get up from your chair to come and chat with Jackson and Changkyun. Her all-time crush and his best friend.

"In a sec!! Just let me finish this drink!" You said while you showed her your glass. She quickly nodded and turned to keep talking with those two. You have to remember to thank them later for keeping her entertained because if it weren't for them cracking jokes every single second, she wouldn't have let you off the hook that easily.

Meanwhile, you decided to get a little lost in your head. Laughing to yourself because you were feeling like having a main character moment. Being the only one sat down in a place full of people. The mysterious persona drinking by themselves.

But that didn't last long.

"Mind if I sit here?" You shook your head. He put his drink next to yours and asked, "How are you?" And it somehow felt like you couldn’t have avoided this exact situation.

You released a breath that you didn't even know you were holding. "I'm sitting Jooheon, drinking… existing, you?" He forced himself to smile. Trying to hide the fact that he was still feeling uneasy around you. Nonetheless, showing you the dimples that you used to love so much.

“I can see that”, he paused, "it's been a lot since I last saw you, you look different".

You hummed softly, finally making eye contact with him. "So you expected for me to look the same?" You surely weren't going to pass up the opportunity to be passive-aggressive to him.

It still makes you happy to know that he has never minded this side of you.

"I'm teasing, I guess we both look different, it's been what? Two years?"

"I'm not sure, but it feels like a lot" He took a sip of his drink and started to fidget with the glass. Maybe you're not the only one that's changed after all.

In the two years, you were together, you never saw him like this. But let's remember the fact that you never fully knew him back then. It just feels weird to see him this anxious. Especially with you.

"I've wanted to reach out to you for a while now," You frowned at his words. "Guess I lacked a little courage" He let out an airy laugh. "I really want to talk to you".

Now it was your turn to feel tense. What is this supposed to mean? How long has he been wanting to talk? And talk about what?

You tilted your head and opened your mouth to ask him all this, but he didn't give you the chance to get the words out.

"Before you say something, please believe me I just wanna talk", "but not in here”.

"Alright then, where do you suggest we ‘talk’ Jooheon?” He took his phone out to check the time. 10:44 p.m. He pursed his lips and said, more like hesitating, "I could walk you home?"

You stared off into your group of friends. This was going to make their night interesting. Seeing you two go together again, just like all those times before.

Jooheon's been waiting for this since he saw on your social media that you were leaving the city. And Jasmine took care of letting him know that you would be coming back in about 6 months.

That was a year ago. More than 365 days waiting to be in the same room with you. Praying that you would let him talk to you. Not that you would reject him. But he was scared, he was perfectly aware he messed up everything.

As you were both saying goodbyes to your friends, you started to think about how everything had ended between you two.

You know what? Yes, maybe I was wrong in ghosting him but after all, I don't owe him anything. Just like he threw me out of his life two years ago. We didn't work out, he never communicated with me. He didn't choose me back. I just had to watch him get rid of me, no explanations, no nothing. And I find it really hard to believe that he's been dying to talk to me. What could be so important that he wants to have a proper conversation? How will I explain to him that I stopped replying for no particular reason? That I just realized that we weren't good together, and I had to let go of him? Should I tell him that no matter my hard feelings, I still thought about him constantly?

You had left each other in the cold back then.

He called your name, and you snapped back to reality. Didn't even realize you were already outside of the bar when he softly asked you, "aren't you cold?"

You smirked and told him "Well yeah, walking back home in this weather wasn't in my plans dummy, but I didn't bring a jacket though".

He used to be so attentive to you. One of the other things you used to love about him. Always concerned about you.

He simply put his jacket around you and started walking before you could complain about something as simple as this. Like you always did.

It feels nice to know that someone in this world knows you to this extent. The way you’ll react to simple things. How can you still love someone despite knowing that you don’t work together?

You realized he still has this jacket. It's the same one he gave me the first night we spent together. Why do I have to remember this now? Not fair. Maybe he wore it on purpose.

You gave a little run to catch him. Now that you were by his side, you were getting impatient, "Can you please start talking? I'm intrigued by all your seriousness".

You were kind of hating this feeling. Everything about him felt familiar. Suddenly, you wanted to cling your arm to his but thought twice about it.

He chuckled. "Well it's not super serious, I want us to have a nice conversation, you know?" You snorted at this, what does a nice talk mean?

"I can be nice, as long as you tell me WHAT you wanna talk about…", "come on Jooheon, just get to the point".

"Okay!! OKAY… I-" he took a deep breath and continued, "First of all, I want to apologize to you for everything, then I want us to talk about what happened between us if that's okay with you?"

You'd be lying if you didn't say that you wanted this to happen since you drew apart the first time. You always dreamt of having an adult conversation with him.

But the dream left your mind bit by bit. Just like your heart got itself back together after he left you, piece by piece.

Overwhelmed, you could only stare straight ahead into the street. He called your name again. Now your eyes were on his, and you could see his concerns. How his mind was going miles per hour, just like yours.

"I want to apologize too,” you smiled and finally let yourself link arms with him. “It’s gonna take us a while, isn’t it?”.

The walk to your apartment took around 15 minutes. The words you exchanged with Jooheon were kept to a minimum. You weren’t gonna get into the heavy stuff right there in the street.

When you finally arrived, you gave him back his jacket. It was gonna get uncomfortable to talk with him with a piece of clothing that made you remember too much.

“Want something to drink? I have a beer, wine, you name it”. He sat on your couch while you searched for something non-alcoholic in your little fridge. “A beer would be okay”.

You got yourself some water. Otherwise, your head would be fuzzy, and wouldn’t be able to tell him all you’ve had on your mind for years.

You handed him the bottle, and you took your seat on the carpet. Your mind wandered off to the last time he was in here.

When he told you goodnight and planted a soft kiss on your lips like he always did. You knew it wasn’t a simple ‘good night’, for you.

You remembered how your eyes followed him until he closed the door of your apartment.

He took a swig of his drink and by the time he put the bottle on your little coffee table, it made you realize he was sitting right there, in front of you.

Finally, gathering the courage to start telling you what was on his mind. “I never thought I’d get the chance to talk to you again”.

I didn’t think so, either. We both fucked up multiple times.

──────────────────────

You were never a couple. After 5 years, you never understood what had lacked between you. The desire was there. Now and then you had your moments of happiness. Usually on the weekends.

When you met, you weren’t looking for love or a serious relationship. At least one of you.

Jooheon was free, like the wind or like a bird. He flew back and forth and once in a while he needed to land somewhere for a while. Every so often he sought another fire, another bed, other arms that weren’t yours.

The time came when he made you feel a million things inside. Overwhelmed with words and emotions, mostly love. But also turmoil and maybe desperation.

It made you happy that he made you feel so much after being empty for months. You felt different with him. It was the kind of love you didn’t know you had in you. Didn’t even think it was possible to express about someone like this. Until him.

You didn’t need anyone else. You just needed Jooheon. Not only that, but you didn’t care for how long your love would last because you believed that the meaning of the word love was what you had built together.

A few hours together. Every so often the whole night.

But when the morning came, the nightmare started to take form. Texts at inappropriate hours, and even unanswered messages.

You started thinking that you didn’t know better. You started feeling insecure. Replaceable. Maybe he knows better than to be with me.

Desperate to know what you had. But afraid that you would ruin everything with the words “What are we?”.

Tried to convince yourself that all of this was okay. That it was a good thing that you were going slow, giving him the chance to open up to you.

Months kept passing and your trust in him was running thin. He made you feel weird on the daily. Wondering if he was seeing someone else. If he danced with someone tonight. Had they kissed? Is he having sex with someone who isn’t me? What if he’s tired of me?

You wanted to be with him, but It was starting to hurt.

I hate that when I try to get myself to think that I don’t like you anymore… you do these little things that make me love you.

When you were together, he treated you like there was no one else for him. His hand was always wrapped up in yours. Talking until dawn, about college, his family, and your relationship. Those times, you couldn’t lie to yourself about your feelings.

He was the only face you could see in the world. The only guy you’ve ever wanted to keep around. But how did we get to this point?

The day you told him you were starting to fall in love with him, all he could reply was, “I don’t know what to say, I never thought you would be in love with me”.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“Well what do you want me to say? You took me by surprise”.

“You could tell me how you feel. I’m not expecting for you to tell me you love me back, I-“

There’s no return now, you have to keep talking.

“I’m just tired of not knowing what’s in your head, I’m not sure if you want to have something with me anymore, it’s okay if you don’t so, just be honest with me”.

“I like you”. You stayed quiet after hearing this, urging him to tell you more than just three words.

“I mean, of course, I’m attracted to you”.

At that moment, you liked what you heard. But the more you thought about it, you realized that he didn’t actually care for you, or loved you. Maybe that was a greedy thought from you. Maybe you expected too much.

You were angry but mostly angry at yourself.

Why are you still waiting for him? It's been years and nothing has happened between you. Nothing ever will at this point.

You ended up telling him not to bother you again, that if this was his way of ‘loving’ you, you were better off without it.

But that was a lie, you longed for your phone to show his name, even if it was at 5 A.M. Still thinking that there was no other way to love someone.

Unable to put an end to it, months kept passing and nothing changed between you. Jooheon had many others, and you only had him.

You loved spending nights like this by his side, watching him sleep, wondering for hours about you two. Unable to explain how you could love him this much.

Maybe he did love you, but you can’t handle this kind of love anymore. It’s better for both of you to end this, whatever it was because it's driving you crazy. And you meant it this time.

Jooheon told you goodnight and planted a soft kiss on your lips like he always did.

You knew it wasn’t a simple ‘good night’ for you, this was the last time you were gonna let him in. Your eyes followed him until he closed the door of your apartment. Fighting back your tears while softly saying to yourself, “I’m always going to love you…”.

The texts at 5 A.M. came again, but this time there was no answer. Jooheon started calling and sending texts for days, but you didn’t reply. All your efforts in disappearing from him on social media weren’t stopping him.

He met someone else, yet the texts wouldn’t stop. Until one day they did.

Now and then your curiosity would get the best of you and you would see his Instagram stories with her. An older girl you had met once. They were supposed to be friends.

You wanted to avoid comparing yourself to her but, he never posted something with you. It’s a dumb thing to worry about, but it’s one of those things that sometimes matter.

You tried to understand the whole situation. Accept the fact that you two weren’t meant to be. That he didn’t see a future with you.

Your days stopped revolving around him. You focused your time on getting your degree, learning another language, going out with your friends. Even tried meeting new people.

There were a few here and there. No one was enough for you.

Your ideas of love and relationships were different now. You gave another meaning to the word love. You wanted to find someone who would love you and take care of you. A quiet kind of love, real love.

What you had with Jooheon, was something you never wanted to experience again. Days went by, even months until you saw each other once more; for the first time in Jooheon’s life, he felt a knot in his stomach, he knew he lost you, for good this time.

Months passed and Jooheon left his girlfriend. He now felt different because he looked for you in everyone, yet he couldn’t find you, and he felt empty.

He cursed himself a thousand times for not knowing how to appreciate you and the love you gave him for two whole years. Tears finally fell from his eyes, he couldn’t believe he was crying for someone, crying for love, crying for you.

He took his phone out, swallowed hard, and started typing another text.

“I miss you, and I need you with me now and always, I never thought I would say this, but I’m not happy without you. Maybe I should’ve loved you less and loved you better, I just want you to know that I’ll always be waiting for you my sweet y/n…”

But the message was never delivered. You had changed your number.

It made sense that you would do that someday. It’s been too long, but this didn’t stop him from sending you texts in the middle of the night. When he felt the overwhelming need to have his arms wrapped around you.

──────────────────────

I still love you

(9:05 p.m.)

no, I don’t

(9:06 p.m.)

I’m confused why did this happen

(2:26 a.m.)

I want you to be happy, if this is what it takes then I’m okay with it. be happy. for me. please.

(10:45 a.m.)

I kind of hate you for changing your number

(8:57 p.m.)

I’m sorry

(1:43 a.m.)

maybe if I wasn’t so fucked up this wouldn’t have happened

(3:37 a.m.)

why can’t things be like they were before

(10:13 a.m.)

please come back to me. I need you. You need me

(1:58 a.m.)

I still want you

(4:06 a.m.)

──────────────────────

The day you left town was the day he swore to himself to try his best to get another chance to talk to you, just once more. To make things right, not caring anymore about his pride. He just wanted to let you know everything he didn’t say when you were by his side.

That he was sorry that it took him too long to acknowledge he was wrong. That he knew he was a little too late and wishes that he could say something more meaningful than a simple “I want you back”.

──────────────────────

“I wonder why” You smirked at him.

The more you kept making eye contact, the more you realized you didn’t feel any kind of resentment anymore. You both had grown, and while you didn’t actually need this kind of closure, you figured this was the healthiest moment to do so.

His eyes were avoiding you now, his smile was still there, but you could tell he lost a bit of his confidence. “Okay, so I’m gonna talk first, please just hear me out. I want to rip the band-aid,” He said with a forced laugh.

“I don’t know why I could never tell you that love scares me. That it scares me to be attached to someone”. His tone was soft now.

“I still play in my head the day you told me you were falling in love with me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you not to tell me those things because you could have changed your mind any moment”.

“I never told you how I felt one of the many nights you spent with me. You were stroking my hair and I seriously felt like crying because I was fucking scared”.

“I was scared to lose you”.

“I’m sorry because I know I made you think I didn’t want you for something serious. I’m sorry for being immature”.

“I look at you now, and I’m happy to get to see you like this. You’re still everything I’ve ever wished for and more. You need to know that nothing compares to you”.

“And believe me, I don’t expect you to take my words as a way of asking you for another chance, I know I don’t deserve it… but I would really love it if you could let me show you I could love you better this time”.

You never imagined these words coming out of his mouth. Couldn’t believe how he was looking at you. Hopeful but understanding at your loss for words.

“Can I ask you one last thing?” His voice was barely audible, but you nodded at him.

“Well, maybe it’s not an actual question, but I’d like to know why you stopped talking to me”.

“Look Jooheon, I don’t know how everything I wanna say will come out, so please bear with me”.

You didn’t know where to start, either.

There were so many things to be said that you were getting nervous to start talking. Because once you opened your mouth, you didn’t know if you would be able to piece everything together.

“When everything ended I really wanted to hate you, everyone around me hated you,” you admitted to him, “except for me and I hated that”.

“I knew that all I could be able to do was cut you from my life, so I just decided to stop talking to you”.

It may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. “I admit it was a poor way of handling things, and I’m sorry for that”.

You’ve always been scared of having this type of conversation.

You let out a sigh because you never thought that the following words were gonna come out of your mouth, ever.

“I’ve only been in love once in my life, and that was when I was with you”.

“It used to frustrate me that I wasn’t able to make it work with anyone after you. I couldn’t help but compare everyone to you”.

“I swore to myself that I never wanted to go through the same thing we had, maybe because those memories are yours and I don't want anyone else messing that up, you made me feel so safe, I felt alive with you, nothing could stop me when I had you”. 

“You've been the only one I've ever wanted to see every day, no matter the hour or how busy I was, I truly wanted everything with you”.

You hadn’t noticed how he had been looking at you this entire time. He couldn’t believe that you used to feel that way about him. Still couldn’t wrap his head around hearing you say how you loved him.

You quickly wiped a tiny little tear that escaped your eye, hoping we wouldn’t notice. But he did.

You let out a nervous laugh and said, “I’m not sad, I swear, It’s just that I never thought I would say all this out loud, especially to you”.

“You don't know how many times I wanted to call you, run to you”.

“Last year before I left I wanted to see you, I kept trying to convince myself that It didn't have to mean anything, that I was just desperate for any physical touch, but from time to time, I wonder if what I really needed was just you”.

He didn’t say anything. So you just said his name out loud. “Jooheon…” Followed by a long pause.

“I feel so different now”.

“When I was far away from you, I realized that I need someone who isn’t absent when it comes to me, someone that isn’t a ghost in my life”.

While you were talking, you were watching his every move and how he couldn’t stop playing with his rings. You’re still not used to seeing him act like this.

“At this point, I want someone who will take care of me, that makes me feel safe. Someone who wants to be with me because they love me, and they love to have me next to them. I’m beyond only spending the night over, I want whole days”.

You finally got up from the floor and sat next to Jooheon. Facing him, making him do the same. He kept looking at you for a whole minute but it felt like hours.

You didn’t know what to do after his following words.

“What I realized with being away from you is that I was pushing away what I’ve always wanted. I wasn’t confident that I could meet you where you were. I felt it would be better not to waste your time back then, but that was then, and this is now…”

You kept looking at each other a little too long. Both realizing you didn't need words anymore. The love was still there.

[roselen-mylady]

the game | part two

Part One

Steve hated to admit it but he had always been a jealous person. As a child he was jealous of the way so many other kids had dads that tucked them in at night. As a teen he was jealous of how easily Bucky made women swoon. As an adult he was jealous of Stark when he attempted to woo Peggy. And now he was jealous because it seemed everyone but himself was able to easily talk and even kiss Y/n.

Oh how badly he had wanted to.

And he almost did during that game of spin the bottle. Yet he'd lost his nerve. And lost his chance.

Thor's laughter had drawn his full attention toward the pair. Not that his eye had ever left Y/n but now the man before him was blatantly being ignored as Steve's entire focus was on Y/n and Thor. He strained to hear whatever was being said by her but he could hardly pay attention as Thor lifted her into the air and spun her around like a princess.

He could've done that.

His blood nearly boiled as he watched Thor kiss her. It was innocent, he knew that, but he just couldn't help it. He was angry at the world and Thor but mostly himself.

Before Thanos he thought he'd have all the time he needed to work up to confessing his feelings for her while she stayed in Wakanda watching after his best friend. But when she was snapped away he realized he had made a horrible mistake. A mistake he regretted every minute of every day during those long five years.

But now he had a chance to fix it.

Yet he hadn't been able to talk to her since she returned. The friendship they'd had before then was bashful but strong yet during her absence he had distanced himself from the idea of her in order to cope.

When she returned all the emotions he felt came rushing back in waves. And he was still blowing it.

•••

"I'm so tired of watching these two pine after one another." Wanda spoke suddenly, making Bucky turn toward her, dragging his gaze away from the pair.

"What do you mean?" Bucky asked, looking back at them as Wanda came to stand at his side, watching them with him.

"You mean you haven't noticed? Y/n's in love with Steve. Steve's in love with Y/n. It's agonizing to watch, really." She sighed, rather vexed with the entire situation. It was her after all who had watched them through the years. They'd known each other ever since before the accords and all that time they'd had an awkward friendship in which feelings were obvious on both ends yet neither had the courage to act.

She hated to imagine how Y/n's death might've affected him but yet it still hadn't given him the will of the courage to act. It pained her to watch the two fall back into their old ways.

"Y/n loves Steve?" Bucky mumbled, disbelief evident in his features. Wanda nodded, her eyes trailing Y/n as she made her way to Peter, who was standing haphazardly close to Steve.

"More than life itself, though she'll never admit it. I saw it when I had to enter her thoughts years ago during a mission we had in Germany." Wanda explained. She remembered the overwhelming feeling of Y/n's emotions. They crashed into her stronger than any wave could and even after all these years they were just as strong.

"Then why haven't they done anything?" Bucky asked. He looked down at her finding the same lost expression on her face that was more than likely on his.

"I don't know. Y/n told me last week the same thing she told me all those years ago. Things are too complicated and she can't risk losing him if he doesn't feel the same." Wanda quoted Y/n, her annoyance seeping through her words.

Bucky scoffed, recognizing the excuse as something very similar to Steve's and he shook his head, feeling the same defeat Wanda did. "Just like them to be too stupid to be happy." He groaned, looking up at them.

"Yeah. But hopefully when he kisses her one of them will do something." Wanda hoped her statement might encourage their boldness.

"Unless it's a repeat of spin the bottle." Bucky said, dreading the chance that it might happen. Wanda cringed, shaking her head.

"Y/n won't allow it. She takes the game too seriously." She replied, more to convince herself than Bucky. It was true. Y/n would get Steve to kiss her whether it was for the win or her own motives. That is if her nerves didn't take over.

"Let's hope."

•••

"Well, if it isn't Spiderman." Y/n called out, grabbing Peter's attention. He smiled brightly, finally being called by his preferred name and not Spiderboy.

"Ms. Y/n! What-what are you doing here?" Peter's sore attempt at small talk made him wince but thankfully Y/n didn't seem to mind, looking down at his glass.

"Just mingling. Whatcha drinking?" She asked curiously, wondering if Tony had allowed the poor boy a drink while dealing with all the people who no doubt asked him millions of questions regarding his presence and age.

"Sprite. Mr. Stark said he can't allow me to 'drink and swing'." Peter adjusted his glass, using his fingers as quotations before letting out a short giggle at the phrase.

Y/n laughed as well, trying to appear relaxed as she felt a certain pair of eyes on her. Steve was standing just a few feet away with Tony, not within earshot but close enough to send butterflies to her stomach. With each kiss she collected she felt more and more anxious knowing eventually she'd reach Steve. Was she ready for that?

"Well, that simply won't do. It's a party, Peter, and I can't allow you to not drink. When I was your age Tony was slipping me drinks left and right, it's only fair I pass on the tradition." She explained, leaning forward carefully as her hand brushed his.

He blushed, his eyes widening like saucers as she skillfully slipped his glass out of his hand, replacing it with her own. Glancing at Tony as if expecting to be caught, he was relieved to find his father figure blissfully unaware of their treachery.

"Ms. Y/n, I really shouldn't-"

"Don't worry, I'll drive you home if you're that worried. I got you bro." Y/n promised, nudging his arm with a kind smile. "Now tell me you've at least tried champagne. You've been to like three of these parties now." She laughed her smile growing as he joined in.

"Yeah, well, I mean a little bit from my Aunt May's glass." Y/n shook her head, putting her hand on his shoulder, a dramatic look of sorrow on her face.

"My poor boy. I have many things to share with you. Speaking of which, Shuri is asking if you're coming with me to Wakanda next week." Y/n sipped the soda watching as Peter's fingers danced happily against his own glass.

"Really?! I mean, of course! If you want me to. I've never been, what's it like?" Peter rambled, his face lit up in excitement, making Y/n chuckle at how thrilled the boy was.

"You'll see soon enough. I'll come get you next Friday and bring your suit, I'm sure Shuri would love to tinker with it." Y/n advised. Peter nodded wildly, psyched for such a trip.

"Thank you, Ms. Y/n." Peter grinned. Y/n wrapped an arm around his shoulders turning him in the direction of where Tony was standing.

"Peter, Y/n is fine. Trust me, I'm one of the few people in this world who know what it's like to have Tony as a father figure and anyone who can handle that is okay in my book." Y/n laughed, pointing at the man in question.

As if sensing their shit talking, Tony turned around, catching sight of them. A suspicious glare was sent their way but Y/n could hardly notice it as another figure stepped into view, following Tony's gaze.

It was then that they were forced to look at one another head on. Not at a glance or a sneaky peek. They might as well have been standing in front of one another as they both froze.

If Y/n's heart decided to stop in that instant, she wouldn't blame it. The pure intensity of Steve's gaze was enough to make her shudder and she fought her every molecule to stare back. There was a warmth in his eyes, one that sent a flutter of giddiness through her.

A small smile crept onto his face and Y/n gasped, forcing herself to return the gesture and not just gawk at him. She was at a loss for words. It was the first time since Thanos that he had given her any sort of acknowledgement. While it hurt that their friendship had seemed to diminish while she'd been gone, she knew that rekindling it was a two way street. But now he was smiling at her. And she was smiling back.

She hadn't realized she'd been holding her breath until Peter stepped in front of her, his hands resting on her shoulders and his brows furrowed in concern. "Y/n? Are you okay?" His voice was soothing and it helped her recover her loss of breath from her moment with Steve.

"Huh? Uh, yeah. I'm fine. Just...uh, thinking." She mumbled, her eyes drifting back to Steve once more. His smile had faltered slightly, his face beginning to match Peter's concern but with a small curve of her lips, she assured him that his worry was senseless.

"About the game?"

"Hmm?" Y/n questioned, directing her attention to the boy once more. Peter eyed his glass carefully before taking a cautious sip.

"The game you play with Ms. Natasha and Ms. Wanda. You're playing, right? I saw you earlier with Thor." He explained. Y/n's face flushed, a little embarrassed that her moment with Thor had been witnessed by someone she knew. What if Steve saw? Would he be jealous?

Y/n nearly shook her head, convincing herself that she wasn't worth being jealous over. Especially to Steve.

"Oh, yeah. We are. That reminds me, you like Star Wars right?" She smirked, looking at him as she sipped his soda, the pink on his cheeks making her giggle.

"Well, yeah, I mean lots of people do. I'm not the only one-that would be weird. Unless you like it, not that you liking it would make it less weird. Not that you're not weird! Weird-"

"Peter!" Y/n laughed, putting her hand on his as she lightly brought the drink down. "Whew boy, maybe alcohol isn't your thing. Then again you've always been a rambler." She gently took the drink back from him, watching as a wave of relief washed over him.

"Have you eaten yet? I think there's hors d'oeuvres around here somewhere." She muttered, glancing around for any servers. Peter shook his head accepting his soda back before looking back up at her.

"No I'm okay, really." He told her, his heart warming at how much she seemed to care. It was nice and he enjoyed his relationship with Y/n. She allowed him to do things with her like travel, patrol, even hang out in the lab and she quickly became another idol of his.

"Are you thinking of watching Star Wars?" He asked her, referring to her previous question. She smiled, shaking her head.

"No, I've already seen it, I'm just thinking of a pick up line for the game. Tonight's rules are if you like my line I get a kiss and I fully intend on winning tonight." Peter nearly choked on air as his eyes widened yet again.

"A kiss? From me?" Y/n giggled, tapping her finger to her cheek.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Parker. A kiss on the cheek will do." She teased, making his face impossibly redder. He shook his head frantically trying to display as best he could that it wasn't his intention.

"I'm kidding. Now are you ready to hear my cheesy pick up line or will I just have to forfeit?" Peter's head didn't seem to stop shaking as he urged her to continue. "Alright here goes."

"Hey, sweetheart. Do you like Star Wars cause Yoda only one for me." With a wink she smiled, enjoying the scrunch of Peter's nose as he cringed at the line. 

"Not doing it for ya?" She laughed. Peter scoffed, trying to hide the smile that threatened to show.

"I hate to admit it, but it was kinda funny." He sighed, ashamed to have enjoyed such a horrible line. Y/n's grin grew, pointing to her cheek once more.

"Then pay up. I've got two more kisses to collect." Peter smiled, leaning forward and pecking the space her finger had been. "Thank you. Now find someone to mess with. I won't be the only one reeking havoc tonight." She poked a stern finger into his chest. With some convincing he eventually promised to at least pull a prank on Sam and Bucky.

With that she began to make her way to Tony. A knot formed in her stomach as she paced in his direction yet it wasn't Tony who made her nervous. No, only Steve Rogers could make her feel so squeamish and turn her legs to jelly. And she was making her way straight toward him.

Y/n could barely hear the click of her heels and the chatter of those around her over the pep talk she was giving herself in her head. She refused to embarrass herself in front of him. This was going to be her second chance and she wouldn't allow her nerves to ruin it again.

"As I live and breathe! Do I stand before Iron Man and Captain America? I do hope this isn't a dream." Steve's soft chuckle seemed to go straight to her core and she feared her heart might beat right out of her chest.

"Don't encourage her, Cap." Tony grumbled, turning his gaze to Y/n. "Well, if it isn't my favorite niece."

"Your only niece." Y/n corrected, a short glare focused on him as he smirked.

"Let me guess you're here to win the game. Let's hear it so poor Cap here can get a turn. I don't think he's kissed a woman since the 40s." Tony leaned down, whispering the last part and making Y/n giggle.

"Hey!" Steve objected in vain. But what Y/n said next sent any duty to protect his pride out the window.

"That's a crying shame. The ladies must not know what they're missing." Y/n froze as the words left her mouth. What was she thinking? Her face burned and she hid behind her glass trying to muffle her embarrassed groan with her champagne.

"Jeez, get a room." Steve and Y/n both glared at Tony but he didn't seem to care, instead shrugging innocently.

"Alright, here's your line you impatient ass." Y/n scoffed, deciding to use a particularly bad line for the annoying man she dared call her father figure.

"Was that it?" He smirked.

"Shut up, I gotta turn around and approach this again or else it won't work." She hissed, earning a heartfelt laugh from Steve. Twice. She'd made him laugh twice. Her heart was practically singing at the thought. Maybe she'd actually get to kiss him?

With more determination than before, she turned around, taking a few steps away before dramatically turning back to them. Using theatrics she no doubt learned from Tony Stark himself, she put on a smile before holding her arms out in a grand gesture.

"Well I'm here, what's your next two wishes?"

"That was horrendous." Tony said almost immediately while Steve tried to contain his laughter behind them.

"Well, I couldn't very well waste my best lines on you now could I?" Y/n jested, taking the glass in his hand and pouring what remained of his drink into her now empty glass.

Tony's teasing expression fell as he painfully watched Y/n sip her glass. "I can't believe you're related to me." Y/n smiled back at him proudly.

"Only by marriage." She shrugged. Tony sighed, leaning down and pressing a fatherly kiss to her forehead just along her hairline.

"Thank god." He ignored Y/n's squinted stare, turning to Steve. "I think I'm going to go get another drink, since mine was so blatantly stolen." Tony glanced at Y/n who shamelessly smirked.

"But first I wanna hear your pick up line for Cap. Please be something patriotic. Maybe sing him the national anthem." He suggested, nudging Steve forward to where he stood before Y/n.

Not expecting Tony's push, Steve stumbled nearly crashing into Y/n but thankfully he caught himself, only having a redder face than before.

"I'm not sure the national anthem is a pick up line, Tony." Y/n replied, focusing on anything but Steve. At this distance she could smell the familiar cologne and feel the heat radiating from him. It reminded her all too much of the days before the snap. When he'd hold her whenever she was hurt or when he'd pick her up to launch her toward an enemy. Reminded her of the few hugs they'd managed to share.

Reminded her of their last before she dusted in his arms.

"I don't know. He's really horny for America, it might work." Tony refuted, earning a threatening gaze from both Steve and his niece.

"Fine, y'know what? Have privacy or whatever in the middle of this crowded party. See if I care." Tony said, a little butt hurt that he wouldn't be able to witness the awkward exchange first hand.

He was no idiot when it came to his niece's attraction to the super soldier. While at first he disapproved, even more so when it led to her being on the opposite side that day in Berlin, years had led to forgiveness. He couldn't really stay mad at her even if he tried. Only sorry he hadn't apologized before the snap.

"Thank you, Tony." Y/n spoke quietly, sending him a grateful look. Whatever was about to happen already made her nervous, she didn't think doing it with Tony there would be possible.

"Yeah, yeah." He waved a dismissive hand, beginning to walk away.

It wasn't until he had Morgan that he realized he was already a father. Y/n had been his first and no matter his guilt, she would always forgive him. Always need him.

"Don't get carried away." He threatened suddenly, pointing to his eyes before twisting his hand back to them with a menacing squint.

Y/n rolled her eyes, looking back to Steve as Tony finally left.

"He's protective." Y/n explained, trying to be annoyed. It was actually kinda touching the way he cared despite his usual selfish smartass exterior.

"For good reason." Steve agreed, making Y/n's head tilt confused.

"You think I can't take care of myself?" She questioned defensively, ready to prove her worth no matter who he was.

"No, of course you can. Just-..." He trailed off, a sorrowful expression taking hold of his features against his will. "We've both failed you before. Numerous times." Steve confessed, his eyes falling downcast as Y/n realized what he'd meant.

She’d never truly thought about how her absence might have affected him. Before the snap he never gave any hint that he wanted to be more than a friend to her. But now she studied that look in his eye, that one she hadn’t recognized before. Heartbreak. 

"Steve, you didn't fail me." She insisted. Her hand had come to his own, grasping lightly at his loose fingers and ignoring the buzz in her skin and the rapid pace of her heart.

"No, I did. I turned you against your family. I got you arrested. I dragged you back into the fight and...you got snapped away." His voice broke at the end, years of depression and misery washing over him all over again.

"It wasn't your fault. We all lost that day." Y/n argued but her words didn't seem to stick.

"I'll never forgive myself." Steve's words were barely above a whisper, each syllable falling further into him unable to escape.

The sight alone made her heart ache but it was the way he'd spoken that truly shook her. They were the words of a broken man, a man that had lost it all. Had she done that to him? Did he care about her like that? Maybe he was scared too.

“Well, it's a good thing I already did.” Y/n smiled hoping to bring back the smile that she'd been able to give him moments before. Her hand stayed planted to his own more terrified to release it than she was to keep holding it. Would she ever work up the courage to do it again?

Steve looked back up at her, a tender glimmer in his eye as he moved his hand to hold her own. “I missed you.”

The statement alone wasn't nearly enough to convey how much he'd longed for her in those five years, left without any hope of ever getting her back. Didn’t show her the sleepless nights or the endless tears. Didn’t show her first few years he spent, alone and secluded. Didn’t show her how many times he prayed to any god that would listen for them to bring her back. 

But her eyes seemed to tell him that she understood. Y/n knew exactly how he felt even if she'd been relieved of it for five years. She remembered when she was arrested, screaming at the guards that they'd never find Steve. Remembered the sobs that racked through her when he came to free her, relieved he’d made it out of the war safely. Remembered their time on the run, unable to tell him how she felt. Remembered volunteering to stay with Bucky when Steve's worry became too much. Remembered him coming back and bring a war with him. Remembered him catching her before she dusted, too fast for her to tell him her greatest truth. 

She loved him.

“I missed you too.” She said softly, her face burning under his gentle gaze. They’d become so unbearably close at that point, making her breath ragged and her heart race. 

Clearing her throat, she looked away, trying not to reveal how flustered he made her. “So do you wanna hear my pick up line or not?” She once again changed the subject, making Steve smile at her lovingly. 

“Definitely.” He replied. 

“Alright. On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?” She gave him the first one that came to find, silently groaning when she realized she'd done exactly what Tony suggested. Curse their horribly similar minds. 

"That's terrible." Steve chuckled, staring at her with adoration unlike he'd ever done before. She was absolutely perfect in his eyes and he refused to waste anymore time being scared. 

"You didn't like that? I have more." Y/n rambled, oblivious toward Steve's affectionate gaze. "Can I tie your shoes? I don't want you falling for anyone else." 

Steve laughed, shaking his head as he stepping forward and shifting his hand to her waist as he pulled her closer. 

The action on flustered her further, dragging another pick up line out of her. "Or I like your last name, can we share it?" 

Steve's smile grew, his heart swelling with each word. He loved listening to her lines even if they were cheesy. But he was determined now and he wouldn't let either of their nerves stop them anymore. 

"I lost my number, can I have-"

Suddenly he leaned forward, cutting her sentence short as his lips latched onto her own. 

The kiss was so tender she practically melted in his arms, her hand coming to his chest while the other shifted to behind his neck, her fingers filtering through the lower part of his hair. His grip around her waist tightened as his heart pounded under her palms, the aftermath of anticipation rushing through his chest. 

It was effortless the way they molded together and it left him breathless. He couldn't believe he'd never just kissed her before and after believing all these years he'd never get the chance to, he was so grateful to have her now. 

"I've waited too long for that. I think I'm gonna need interest." Y/n gasped as they pulled away her eyes half lidded as she tried to process what had happened. 

"Was that another pick up line?" Steve's brows furrowed, his lips a beautiful shade of darker pink. 

Y/n smiled up at him, pulling him close once more. "Shut up." 

••• 

"Who's gonna tell her she didn't win?" Wanda questioned suddenly, glancing over at Nat. 

Sam raised his hands in surrender, passing off the duty as soon as possible to avoid any type of rage the woman might've wreaked on him. 

"I don't think she'll really care at this point." Nat spoke, pointing a finger toward the couple across the room. 

They didn't seem to care that they were in a room full of people, instead remaining engrossed in each other as they stared at each other lovingly. It was touching really but what Nat assumed to be their confessions had lost Y/n the game. 

"Wait does this mean the games with stop?" Sam questioned suddenly. 

"No, it'll just make them more interesting." Nat smirked.

[ya-girl-mc]

Back Pain

Character: Oikawa Tooru × Fem Reader

Concept: Oikawa's been working a bit too hard lately. Y/N decides to reward his efforts with a massage, but she winds up getting turned on instead (smut with some fluff 👌)

⚠️ Warning: Sexual content (read at your own discretion)

A/N: Back at it again with a smut fic this time feat. our golden boi Oikawa 😏 Hope you’ll enjoy this one!!

☆☆ Another self-indulgent Haikyuu!! Fanfiction ☆☆

Y/N-chan! Was finally able to free up some time for the weekend. Want to come over? Friday night sound good?

I have the house to myself the entire weekend, btw 😋

Y/N re-read the message over and over again, her heart thumping in anticipation at the suggestive undertones it conveyed. It's been quite a while since her and Oikawa began dating, however, with the additional academic load that came with being a third-year student and with his responsibilities as Aoba Johsai's volleyball team captain, the couple barely had time to spend with one another, much to their dismay.

Jumping at the extremely rare opportunity to spend an entire weekend alone with him, Y/N momentarily shifted her attention from her homework and quickly typed up a reply, trying her hardest not to seem too eager at his invitation.

Okay, sounds great to me! Will let my parents know. See u Friday night 😊 Love you.

Hitting the 'send' button, Y/N leant back on her desk chair and stared at the night sky beyond her bedroom window, her thoughts now preoccupied with the prospect of finally spending some much-needed alone time with her significant other.

*****

Friday night came faster than she expected. After successfully turning in all of her weekly assignments and enduring an extensive parental discussion on sexual intimacy and the like, Y/N eagerly stood at the doorstep of the Oikawa residence, the remnants of "the talk" she had just received from her parents making her cringe. Having dated Oikawa for quite some time now, this was not completely new territory for her and while she appreciated their parenting efforts, the thought of them having been privy to her dating life had always made her shudder.

The door finally opened and before she could open her mouth to speak, a weary-looking Oikawa swiftly gathered her into his arms, ushering both of them into his home as he did. "Ahhh Y/N-chan, finally! What took you so long?" He whined, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

Reveling in the all-too familiar warmth that both of them had missed, she returned his hug with as much vigor. "Sorry, I got kinda held up back at home. Don't ask why."

Tightening his arms around his girlfriend, Oikawa brought his lips up to her ear, his voice dropping to a mere whisper. "I missed you, it's been too long."

"We see each other at school, Tooru," she teased, refraining herself from shuddering appreciatively at his hushed words.

Oikawa chuckled and lifted his head from her shoulder. Meeting her gaze, he smiled at her tenderly. "You know what I mean."

Despite the multitude of responsibilities he juggles on a daily, Oikawa does his utmost best to balance it with his relationship, yet there were still instances that neither of them could make time for the other. However, the perfect opportunity seemed to have presented itself with his parents embarking on an out-of-town trip for the weekend, and as it aligned with his scheduled day-off from his coaching duties at the Lil Tykes Volleyball Classroom, he was resolute on finally spending the weekend with her to make up for lost time.

And yes...he invited Y/N with every intention to show her just how much he missed her.

Leading her into his empty home, Y/N followed suit as Oikawa headed towards the kitchen. Observing him further as he moved about, she noticed something slightly amiss with his gait as he rummaged around to find her something to drink. "Hey Tooru, are you in any pain of some sort?"

"Well...a little," he admitted sheepishly as he handed her a glass of water. "I guess I was too excited that you were coming over, so I didn't get to properly stretch after training...my lower back kind of hurts."

Y/N sighed and shot him a narrowed look, recounting on all the times she reminded him to take extra care of himself. But, after hearing such an adorable reason, she couldn't bring herself to give him another long-winded lecture on the importance of self-care and instead, an idea came to her. "I think I might be able to help you out with that."

*****

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Oikawa watched as Y/N lit several scented candles scattered around his room. Joining him from where he sat atop his bed, she lit the last candle on his bedside table and shot him a gentle smile.

"Yeah, you've been working too hard lately. A massage is the least I can do for you."

The fragrance and gentle glow that emanated from the candles was starting to get to him, and while Oikawa admittedly thought of something naughty when she suggested to give him a massage, he felt himself starting to relax for the first time in a while. "Thanks, just when I thought I'd finally be able to spoil you, I ended up getting pampered instead."

"You need to let yourself be pampered every now and then. So anyway, can you take off your shirt and lie down on your stomach?"

Oikawa heeded her instructions and peeled off his shirt, providing her with a wonderful view of his toned torso. Now only clad in his boxers, Y/N immediately averted her gaze to stop herself from staring as she reached for a bottle of lotion. As Oikawa lay on his stomach, she couldn't help but marvel at the muscles that flexed on his shoulders as he readjusted his position.

Damn it, he's too beautiful, it's unfair. God, I don't know what I did to deserve a man like this but thank you so so much.

Finally composing herself, Y/N rubbed a dollop of lotion on her hands and proceeded to knead the skin on his back, applying an ample amount of pressure on his shoulder blades. As soon as she increased the pressure, he slightly flinched, causing her to cease her actions. "Sorry, did it hurt?"

Oikawa shook his head. "I'm good. Keep going."

Taking it as a signal to continue, Y/N began applying even more pressure as she moved her hands lower, her eyes transfixed on the smooth planes of muscle on his back. As soon as she reached the problem spot on his lower back, Oikawa grimaced. "Y-yeah right there. It really does kind of hurt so please be gentle."

"Got it." Heeding his instructions, she refocused her attention on his lower back, feeling just how tense his muscles were. After gently massaging the area, she slightly increased the pressure as she began using the balls of her wrists. All of a sudden, Oikawa let out an involuntary moan which caught Y/N off guard, her heart pounding rather intensely as her face began flaming up. Trying to purge the dirty thoughts that began to invade her mind, she steeled herself and continued the massage, and unfortunately for her, so did his moaning.

It was definitely starting to get to Y/N as she felt an all-too familiar tightening sensation in her core. As Oikawa continued to express just how much he enjoyed the massage, she fidgeted uncomfortably and forced herself to divert her attention from the growing wetness between her legs.

Am I seriously getting turned on by this? God, how creepy of me! Although in my defense, we haven't had sex and/or gotten intimate in a while, so maybe I'm just backed up? Ugh come on, Y/N, concentrate!

Trying as best as she can to ignore her growing arousal, Y/N forced herself to continue with the massage, however, as soon as her hands began kneading his sides, Oikawa let out a throaty groan of pleasure. "Yeah, there. Harder, please," he instructed, seemingly oblivious to how turned on she had gotten, much to her chagrin.

Y/N bit her lip and willed herself to calm down, but as his moans intensified, her hands' movements gradually became sloppy as she began to succumb to her growing desire. Having decided that enough was enough, she ceased her actions and groaned in frustration, taking in a lungful of air as she pressed her forehead on Oikawa's back.

He shifted slightly and craned his neck, prompting Y/N to lift her head and fixate her gaze on his. "What is it? Are you tired?" The innocence was palpable in his tone, but unbeknownst to Y/N, Oikawa had already caught on to what has gotten her bothered; however, he wanted to hear her actually say it.

She shook her head in response, portraying just how turned on she was by pressing kisses across his back. "You seriously have no idea, huh?"

Oikawa continued to feign innocence, however, his heart began thumping uncontrollably at how even more irresistible his girlfriend had gotten when she was upfront about her desires. "What do you mean, Y/N-chan?"

Swallowing hard at how unbelievably sexy her name sounded as it left his lips, she began leaving a trail of love bites and made her way towards his neck. "Truth is, I'm feeling kind of hot and bothered over here hearing you moan like that." Her lips continued their path as they finally reached the spot behind his ear. Oikawa's breathing hitched as she whimpered, earning a shudder from him. "Tooru...please?"

It was definitely more than what he bargained for, and unable to stave off his own desires, Oikawa had her pinned her down in a flash, his brown eyes darkening with lust as he looked her up and down. "Sorry, Y/N-chan. But what makes you think that I wouldn't know what turns my girlfriend on?"

Her eyes widened as she eventually caught on. "You...you did that on purpose!"

Throwing him the harshest glare that she could muster, it only fueled his desire to take her then and there, yet he held himself back, well-aware that his patience will be rewarded handsomely. "Let me make it up to you."

Oikawa's lips immediately went for her neck, his fingers sliding up underneath her shirt to caress the bare skin of her stomach. He lightly trailed his fingers across her midriff, the subtle contact a stark contrast to the relentless attack his lips made on her neck. Moaning at the sensations she craved for so long, Y/N's hips bucked from the bed, allowing Oikawa to get even closer to her.

With her legs spread wide open, he shuffled closer and pressed his growing erection against her thigh, her cheeks immediately heating up as she felt how hard he had gotten. She begged him to touch her elsewhere, but he made no attempt in doing so, his lips and fingers still remaining in the same spots.

He's still teasing me...! The nerve of this - 

Thoroughly frustrated, Y/N lifted his head from her neck and glared at him. "Just kiss me, damn it!" She forcefully pressed their lips together, taking Oikawa initially by surprise, but he returned her kiss with as much vigor. She opened her mouth willingly, allowing his tongue to enter and explore the entirety of her mouth.

The sopping noises their kisses made and their lustful moans filled every crevice of his bedroom. As Oikawa ground his hips even harder against hers, he began nibbling on her lower lip, causing her to slightly wince and pull away. Both their chests heaved, and Y/N took the opportunity to scan her eyes up and down his body as she licked her lips appreciatively, the toned muscles adorning his torso a manifestation of years of arduous training and hard work.

"Now this is unfair," Oikawa stated, causing Y/N to shiver at how unbelievably sexy his voice had gotten. He began pulling at the jean shorts she wore, his eyes mirroring the insurmountable desire in hers. "Take these off. I need to see you."

She immediately blushed as he drew back slightly, his expectant eyes keen on watching her every move. She couldn't help but notice how he was being a tad aggressive than usual, not that she minded in the very least. Too abashed to meet his gaze, Y/N proceeded to slowly discard every article of clothing she had and Oikawa felt himself grow even harder as she eventually laid bare beneath him.

The adoration and tenderness in his gaze was palpable as he looked her up and down; he couldn't seem to get used to how simply gorgeous she was, and this was all for him - only him - to see. Her eyes were still downcast, well-aware at how intense he looked at her. "Y/N-chan," he called out gently and brushed his lips against her cheek in an attempt to get her to look at him. "What are you suddenly getting so shy for?"

"D-don't make me say it, idiot!" She practically yelled out, hiding her reddened face from view as Oikawa merely chuckled at her flustered state.

"Can I touch you? I can, right?" He whispered in her ear, goosebumps prickling all over her skin. Unable to respond, Y/N managed to nod as she finally brought up her eyes to meet his. The desire in them which reflected his own - he couldn't help but shiver in pleasure as well. "Good girl," he praised, smiling down at her affectionately.

Joining their lips once more, the kiss they shared was unbearably sweet, their lips moving ardently with one another. Oikawa's slender fingers began to explore the entirety of her body, marveling at how soft her skin felt. He moved his lips along the path his fingers made, leaving a trail of heat in their wake. Without heeding her any warning, he took one of her nipples in his mouth, the abrupt sensation a contrast to his gentle caresses, causing her to gasp. "T-tooru!"

Hearing her moan his name only encouraged him further as he brought up his free hand to toy with her other nipple. It was just too much, it felt too damn good that Y/N thought that she was about to lose it then and there, however, Oikawa was far from being done, his fingers eventually wandering down to her inner thigh. In anticipation for what's to come, she slightly raised her hips, granting him permission. At her gesture, he slowly slid one of his fingers inside, his eyes widening at how soaked she had become. "Did you like massaging me that much?"

Her fingers gripped his chestnut brown locks, the overwhelming amount of pleasure too great to bear as she struggled to reply in-between gasps. "C-can you blame me? It's been a while since we-"

"Yeah, I know. I could say the same." Slipping another finger in, Oikawa began stroking her insides, his lips once more joining with hers as he swallowed the high-pitched moans she let out. She was unbelievably warm and tight, the wetness that clung to his fingers making his shaft throb rather painfully. Fighting with the urge to simply put it in, he took his time to stretch her out in preparation.

His fingers' ministrations had only intensified as he eventually began caressing her sweet spot, her entire body beginning to shake at the relentless pleasure he gave her. Y/N's hips began to involuntarily thrust with his fingers' movements, allowing them to go even deeper.

"T-Tooru.. I'm close...!" She gasped out, her insides tightening further as he mercilessly stroked her harder. However, Oikawa abruptly retracted his fingers, denying her of her long-awaited release. Y/N looked at him incredulously as her chest heaved, her eyes welling up with tears due to pleasure and frustration. "Why did you stop?"

"Sorry. I'm sorry," he cooed as he smoothed her hair away from her face, his lips pecking hers gently. "I can't let you come, not just yet. I can make you feel good even more."

Oikawa's hushed words held so much promise for what's to come. However, still reeling from the aftermath of his relentless teasing, Y/N decided to retaliate as she reached for the waistband of his boxers. In one smooth motion, she slipped her hand inside and stroked his length, shivering in pleasure as she felt just how aroused he was.

"A-Ahh...no, Y/N-chan. Don't!" Oikawa whimpered, his head falling onto her shoulder to stifle the lewd noises he made. He made no move to stop her though, and hearing him gasping in her ear only encouraged her further as she was resolute on pleasuring him this time. Quickening her hand's movements, Y/N began pumping harder, Oikawa's hips involuntarily jerking towards her.

She could tell that he was close. His hands gripped the sheets tightly, his body beginning to tremble at the sensations she induced in him. Running her thumb across the tip, he groaned in response, his lips making their way to her ear. "I-I'm close. Please stop...!"

"I don't think you really want that," she retorted playfully, completely lost in her own passion as she witnessed him becoming undone. "It's fine. Just come, Tooru."

Her words seemed to have finally pushed him over the edge and with a few quick strokes, he finally came, spilling himself onto her hand. He looked breathtaking as he did; his usually tousled hair now disheveled, his eyes squeezed shut, and his bottom lip in his teeth as he tried to hold back the lewd sounds he was making. Seeing him completely engulfed in his passion was a stark contrast to his usual flippant persona; it was one of the reasons why Y/N truly treasured such raw moments with him.

Panting slightly as he came down from his high, Oikawa recollected himself and reached for a towel, hastily wiping her hand clean. "Seriously, my girlfriend is such a handful."

"I don't know if you intended that pun, but you're welcome," she cheekily responded, wrapping her arms around Oikawa and pulling him close to her. They shared a brief moment of much-needed tranquility, listening to each other's steady heartbeats as they held one another. "I love you, Tooru."

He had heard those words countless times now, yet it still managed to make his heart race, making it always seem like he was hearing it for the first time. "I love you too, Y/N-chan. But I'm afraid to say that we're far from done."

"I was hoping you'd say that," she giggled as she noticed him growing hard once more. Pecking her lips, Oikawa reached for his drawer and rummaged around for a condom. He grabbed one and proceeded to put it on, pulling Y/N up to a sitting position once he was fully sheathed. Leaning back on the headboard, he pulled her onto his lap, helping her adjust her position as she straddled him.

Oikawa grinned mischievously as he smoothed her hair away from her face, his hands proceeding to gently grip her waist to provide support. "You wanted to reward me for working hard, right? How about you be on top tonight?"

Y/N audibly gulped. His offer was definitely appealing, however, a thought had occurred to her amid her muddled state-of-mind. "Wait, how about your back? Won't it hurt more?"

"You're here naked before me, ready to take me in. I can't be bothered about something as trivial as that."

Oikawa's blunt statement caused her breathing to hitch, her heart close to bursting at the raw passion and need it conveyed. Smirking slightly at her flustered state, he leant back and looked at her expectantly, making no attempt to move whatsoever. It didn't take long for Y/N to catch on to what he was expecting her to do.

Ugh, he's really being a bit mean tonight. Well...no complaints over here, though.

Oikawa watched as she tried to position herself, her hands gripping his shoulders for support. Lifting her hips up slightly, Y/N proceeded to lower herself onto him, unable to control the moans that slipped from her lips as she slowly adjusted to his girth. He bit his lip as she continued to take him in, the breathtaking sight pushing him on the verge of coming once more.

Shit...this is too hot.

With a thrust of her hips, Oikawa finally entered her, both of them moaning in pleasure at the sensation of him reaching the deepest parts of her. Y/N panted, her hips shifting as she lets herself become accustomed to the intrusion of his length. It had been a while after all, and she still couldn't seem to get used to how he manages to fit inside her given his rather remarkable size.

"Ugh...shit. Y/N-chan, are you okay?" Oikawa gasped out, peering at her in concern.

"Y-yeah, give me a sec." She shifted about on his lap, allowing him to reach even deeper spots inside her. Urgently joining their lips together, Y/N proceeded to take the lead as she thrust her hips, both of them swallowing each other's moans. It was uncomfortable at first, but the pleasure of their joined bodies overwhelmed both of their senses. In-between kisses, Oikawa took the opportunity to take the sight of his significant other before him, his own eyes beginning to well up with tears at the passion and love he felt for her.

"Tooru...can you go harder too?" She whimpered, the movement of her hips becoming more urgent and abrupt.

There's nothing that he would want more than to abide by her request and make a mess out of her. But, gathering all the willpower that he could muster, he shook his head in defiance. "N-no, we haven't done it in a while, I don't want to hurt you."

Completely overwhelmed with lust, Y/N stilled her movements and whispered directly into his ear. "Yeah that's right, we haven't done it in a while. So stop holding back and compensate me for it."

It was all the confirmation Oikawa needed as he felt himself grow even harder inside her. Something snapped in him as he smirked mischievously, his hands gripping her thighs tightly. "Saying things like that to rile me up, what am I going to do with you?"

Y/N barely had any time to process his words as Oikawa pushed her down once more. With their positions reversed, he made no move to pull out as he lifted her legs and wrapped them around his waist, allowing him to go even deeper than before. She yelped at the sudden sensation, her hands seeking out his neck to pull him closer to her. The overwhelming amount of pleasure had almost rendered her speechless as tears began to spill from her eyes. "This is what you wanted, right?" Oikawa questioned breathlessly, his hips snapping forward.

It was indescribable. Thrusting rhythmically, they succumbed to the passion as they continued to make love and pretty soon, Y/N felt her release fast-approaching once more. "T-tooru, I'm...wait!"

"Sorry, Y/N-chan. It's too late for that!" He increased his pace and began thrusting wilder then ever before, her legs tightening around his waist as her fingernails scraped across his back. It seemed like it hurt, but it only encouraged Oikawa further as he continued to make love to her relentlessly, showering her face and neck with kisses as he did.

They exchanged whispered words that affirmed their love for each other, and it wasn't long before he felt his own release building up as well. "T-tooru...!" She gasped, completely overcome with the ecstasy she felt. Gritting his teeth, he locked his gaze with hers and watched as she finally climaxed, her eyes squeezing shut as she thrust her hips along with his, riding out her release.

The sight of her coming undone below him, it was just too much. Oikawa gasped out her name as he did one final thrust, moaning uncontrollably as he felt himself coming as well. He couldn't help but collapse on top of her, the after-effects of the passion they shared evident in their languid bodies. He lifted his head and found Y/N smiling fondly at him, a dazed yet utterly adorable expression on her face. Returning her smile with a dopey one of his own, Oikawa proceeded to shower her face with kisses as he slowly pulled out of her.

As Y/N laid on his bed, her mind and body still reeling from the mind blowing sex they had just experienced, Oikawa grabbed some clean towels and proceeded to carefully clean her as he followed suit. He gently lifted and laid her next to him, throwing the covers over their naked bodies as they snuggled closer to each other. "Thank you, Tooru," she murmured appreciatively, his arms wrapping around her.

Despite their earlier passion, Oikawa couldn't help the feelings of guilt that started to well up within him. "Y/N-chan, I'm really sorry that I couldn't make enough time for you. But I promise that I'll keep on making an effort, who knows when we'd have another chance like this?"

Her heart clenched. She knew that his previous break-up was still fresh in his mind, and it was one of the reasons that drove Oikawa to near desperation in always making time for Y/N, fearing that she would eventually break up with him for the same reason. But, she didn't want that tying him down, especially seeing how much passion he had for volleyball and how much he worked harder than anyone else; she would want nothing more than to help him understand that.

Y/N reached over and tenderly swept his hair away from his face, his brown eyes wavering as they peered at her. "Of course there are times that I miss you. But you do your thing because you love it and you work harder than anyone else I know, so I just can't take that away from you. Seeing you work hard and do your best - if it makes you happy, then I'm happy too."

Oikawa's eyes widened as he digested Y/N's reassuring words, his heart overwhelmed with how much love he felt for her. "Y/N-chan..." He managed to choke out, completely at a loss on what to say.

I don't know what I did to deserve someone like her but thank You, whoever You are, for bringing her to me.

"But I swear to God, Oikawa Tooru. You better take extra care of yourself, alright? Or else I'm really going to kill you."

Oikawa couldn't help but let out a carefree laugh at her threat. Pulling his most precious person closer into his arms, he placed a gentle kiss atop her pouted lips. "Okay, okay. I'll keep that in mind."

[songsoomin]

Begin Again Part 3 (A, S, F)

Word count 7k

Idol!Jongho x Fem!Reader, Best friend!Hongjoong. Reader has serious body confidence issues due to an emotionally abusive past relationship but Jongho helps her recover. Y/N is struggling with the anxiety of being intimate due to feeling exposed because she still can’t imagine anyone finding her physically attractive.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, both emotional and psychological, body shaming, anxiety issues. Oral sex (m and f receiving), unprotected sex but reader is on oral contraception, very slight mention of manhandling and strength kink. Smut from the very beginning. In fact, most of this chapter is about Jongho and Y/N’s first time together.

Authour’s note: Reader is overweight but not as massive as she thinks she is. She has been conditioned through psychological abuse to believe she is very fat and unattractive. This is not intended to be the kind of story where reader becomes thin and is then happy and gets male attention (although, due to reader’s warped sense of self she does equate being thin with being happy). Even after losing some weight (for her own health and happiness) she is still somewhat overweight and curvy but the more important part is that she gets her confidence back and that is what makes her happier and more attractive.

Part 1 Part 2

Posted 9th February 2021

Soft moans left you as Jongho kissed your neck, biting lightly then swiping his tongue over the delicate skin where he'd just bitten. You were laying on his bed where you had been watching a film until Jongho's gentle touches turned into something more.

It had been months now since you had officially begun dating, after that night at the club. At the coffee shop you'd almost convinced yourself that he probably confessed because he'd been drinking but he promised to convince you otherwise, having seen the doubt on your face. You'd gone to bed that night hoping you were wrong and, true to his word, Jongho turned up at your apartment the next day for a real date.

Despite it having been months - and Jongho being the most amazing boyfriend - you'd not gone much further than kissing. Sometimes he would touch your chest over your clothes but you were still too insecure to be undressed in front of him. It wasn't that you didn't want to go further because you really, really did. Jongho's lips drove you crazy but something in your head just wasn't letting you progress in your relationship.

You sighed, frustrated, and Jongho pulled away to look at you.

"Y/N...it's fine. I told you I'll wait as long as you need. You don't need to rush this if you're not ready."

"I'm sorry, Jongho, you know I want to...I just...I can't get past this insecurity. It's like my brain can't accept that you'll still like me once you see me with my clothes off. I still can't see why you like me even with them on."

Your boyfriend looked at you sadly, his shoulders dropping slightly. It hurt him how you still thought of yourself.

"Y/N, you are so beautiful and one day I'm going to show you just how beautiful I think you are."

Despite him saying this kind of thing to you often, he could see that the message still wasn't getting through and wondered if there was something else bothering you.

"You know you're safe with me, right?" He said seriously.

"Of course, I do! It's not that."

Jongho was nothing like your ex but the damage he'd done meant that you were still having trouble trusting your new boyfriend. You trusted him to treat you well and be the wonderful person that he was...you just didn't trust that he'd still want you once you were naked in front of him. You genuinely worried that once he saw you like that he'd be disgusted and change his mind.

"Why don't we wind back the film and catch up on what we missed?" Jongho suggested.

He could see you were deep in thought but it didn't look like you were going to elaborate on your reply.

"Okay."

You gave him a small smile but it didn't reach your eyes. You watched the film distractedly, too busy hating yourself for not being able to move on from your past and feeling like a massive let down to Jongho.

                      ��                            ********

Some weeks later you were in the same situation except in your apartment now, Jongho on your comfy sofa with you sitting on his lap, facing him. When he first asked you'd resisted, sure your weight would make him too uncomfortable but when you voiced your concerns he'd cheekily replied with a wink,

"There's only one place you're making me uncomfortable."

Now you were straddling his lap you loved it. You could feel his strong thighs beneath you and his large hands on your hips. Your boyfriend's tongue explored your mouth once again and every now and then he would nibble on your bottom lip, eliciting quiet moans from you.

As he moved his lips along your jawline and down the soft skin of your neck, you started to feel that familiar tingling in your core and couldn't help but to grind against his crotch. His jeans were tight against the large bulge there and you smiled to yourself thinking back to his comment about you making him uncomfortable. You continued to grind against him and a louder moan slipped past your lips at the friction you felt.

Jongho took this as a positive sign and slowly moved his hands underneath the floaty top you were wearing. He always moved slowly so he could guage your reaction before going too far for you. You froze before quickly gathering yourself and pulling your top back down - the dark blonde man's hands already gone having felt you tense up.

Looking away from him you mumbled the apology you'd become used to giving and earning the usual sad look from Jongho because he kept telling you, you don't have to apologise for how you feel. Gently he moved you off his lap and onto the seat next to him but took your hands in his.

"Y/N...I'm not trying to rush you, I just really want to show you how beautiful I think you are...and how much I want you."

He sounded so sincere it made you feel even worse. You didn't want him to feel bad when he'd done nothing wrong.

"I know and I'm sorry. You're not making me feel pressured at all and I do want to do this but I can't get over the fear that you won't want me once you really see me."

"What do you mean?"

A confused look crossed Jongho's face as he waited for you to elaborate. You thought for a moment, trying to frame the words.

"Well...once you see what I look like underneath all this..." you said feebly gesturing to your clothes, "you won't want me anymore. I'll disgust you."

Jongho managed to look both astonished and incredulous at the same time.

"That's really what you think? That I'm so shallow I'd change my mind over your appearance?"

You looked away because the look he gave you now just made you feel ashamed.

"Haven't I told you enough times how beautiful I think you are?"

"I know I look better now I've lost some weight but - "

He let go of your hands suddenly and you felt the weight of your mistake in his absence.

"Don't you dare imply I only like you because you lost weight!"

He'd never got upset with you before but the hurt and anger in his voice was unmistakable.

You looked up cautiously not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes.

"The first time I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen - that's why I was so shy around you. I couldn't have cared less what size you were. When you mentioned losing weight I saw that as my chance to get to know you alone. I didn't think you needed to change, I just wanted to spend time with you."

"Jongho, I - "

"You know, I don't have any problem waiting until you're ready and feel comfortable but what really hurts is that you think I could be anything like him."

The disdain in Jongho's tone as he mentioned your emotionally abusive ex was so obvious it made the vast difference between them strike you even more. They were polar opposites so why were you treating Jongho like he could be similar in any way? You sat, quietly ashamed while he continued.

"I think you look amazing but you are so much more to me than what you look like. How could you think I'd only care about that? Is that the kind of person you think I am?"

You looked up at your boyfriend without an answer. It was impossible to escape that you'd really hurt him but you didn't know how to make it better. You'd let your insecurities cloud your mind to the kind of man he was. It was him who was amazing and you'd made him feel like you didn't trust him at all.

"I'm sorry, Jongho...I just..."

You didn't have any other words so you just looked down at your hands while you wrung them unconsciously.

"I know your past treatment has really damaged how you feel about yourself...but I thought you knew I was better than that."

He paused just long enough to collect his keys and wallet before adding,

"I'm going to head home. I'll see you later."

You felt helpless to stop him as he walked out the door and quietly shut it behind him. The fact he'd shut it quietly was more like a slap in the face than if he'd slammed it - it showed how much more hurt he was than angry.  

Tears bagan falling down your face as you sat motionless on the sofa. Jongho was so patient and understanding and you'd just stomped all over that. It was enough that your past was still hurting you; you couldn't allow it to hurt him, too.

                                                    ********

"Joong?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

It was Friday night, your weekly movie night with Hongjoong and your bright red-haired best friend was sitting beside you on the couch engrossed in the film you were supposed to be watching but you were having trouble concentrating. All you could think of was the last time you'd seen Jongho and how hurt he'd looked.

"I really hurt Jongho and I don't know how to make it better. Has he said anything to you."

"No, he doesn't really confide in any of us about personal stuff. What happened?"

You cleared your throat as Hongjoong looked at you, expectant.

"Well, we haven't been...intimate yet..."

You trailed off as the male's eyes widened slightly as he realised where the conversation was going. You looked away, somewhat embarrassed. You'd talked to Joong about sex before but not about your own sex-life - or lack-thereof.

"Oh. Right. Well, now I think about it I know you guys weren't doing anything at the dorm but I guess I just assumed you were doing it here at your place. Not that I really thought about it."

He quickly added the last part and you laughed despite your unease.

"Can I ask what that has to do with hurting him?"

You shifted uncomfortably because you knew it was unfair to have let your past affect how you thought of Jongho and you didn't want Hongjoong to judge you.  

"It's not that I think he'd be nasty or anything...I'm just so scared that he won't feel the same about me once he sees me...naked."

Hongjoong fixed you with a look that somehow managed to both sympathise and disapprove at the same time.

"Y/N, Jongho isn't like that. You know he's not."

You looked down at your hands, feeling a bit ashamed of yourself.

"I do know but I can't seem to let go of the fear that he'll realise I'm not good enough."

You best friend sighed and put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you to his side.

"I do understand why you can't; your ex spent everyday making you feel worthless. But..." He shifted so he was looking you in the eye,

"I don't think you'll ever overcome it until you take that leap. Until you do it and see that you were worrying for nothing, that fear will just eat away at you. You've made so much progress with your confidence lately so I know you can do this."

"Believe me I want to." You said earnestly. "He's so fucking hot I just want to -"

"Hey!" Hongjoong startled you with a shout, "I do not want to know what you want to do to him. He's like my baby brother, I can't think of him doing that shit."

"Ah, yeah. Sorry."

"Seriously, though, Jongho really likes you and I can't imagine anything will change his mind. He doesn't vocalise his emotions much but I've seen the way he looks at you when he thinks we can't see. He adores you. He has done since he first saw you."

You were resolved now. He was right, it would never get better if you didn't take a chance. You were supposed to be seeing Jongho tomorrow night so you wouldn't have long to wait.

"You're right, Joong. Thank you. I'm just going to have to go for it."

"Well, look at it this way...if you saw Jongho naked and he's not...uh...as big as you imagined, would it change how you felt about him?"

You rolled your eyes.

"Of course not. To be honest, though," You lowered your voice slightly, "from what I've felt I don't think that will be a prob-"

"Stop it!" Hongjoong looked horrified but you couldn't help but laugh.

"Sorry, Joong. You did bring it up though."

                                                ********

The next day you decided to do everything you could to make yourself feel attractive and desirable; you waxed, shaved your legs, put on your best perfume and make up. When it came to clothes you didn't go all out as it was just a night in with Jongho but, earlier that day, you did spend some time shopping for a new matching bra and panties set. You didn't want to go slutty (yet) as it was going to be your first time with him but you still wanted it to be sexy. In the end you went for a pink with sexy lace detailing and cute, little bows. You weren't really sure what Jongho liked yet but you thought a bit of sexy and bit of cute would cover all bases.

You'd probably overthought all of it because you knew Jongho wasn't like your ex and he wouldn't be cruel but, in the back of your mind, you still had that fear that you would disgust him. It's what you'd come to think anyone would feel upon seeing you like that. You knew he was entitled to be upset with you when you voiced those fears to him, though, because it implied he was shallow. Thinking that he might care more about what size you were belittled his feelings for you.

You knew those feelings were there in everything he did. Hongjoong was right, Jongho didn't voice his emotions much but you could see how he felt about you in how caring he was. Often asking if you're feeling ok, making sure you're happy, making you laugh. He wasn't one for a lot of physical affection but he'd always wind his arm around you when out walking. If you were just watching tv he'd hold your hand or pull you in to his side. He seemed especially aware of when you were anxious like he was attuned to your emotions. He wasn't obvious about it but he would just take your hand and rub soothing circles over your skin with his thumb until you felt calmer.

When you really thought about just what an amazing boyfriend Jongho was, you could hardly believe you let your fear of rejection marr your relationship with him. You had to overcome it, though, because Jongho was just too precious to lose. You hadn't fully acknowledged it yet but you knew you were in love with him. Hopefully he felt the same about you.

The evening came and you and Jongho were watching a Netflix show you'd recently gotten in to, however, he could see that you weren't really concentrating. Observant of you, as always, he noticed your fidgeting hands and took them in his to calm you.

"What's wrong, Baby?"

What were you to say? 'I want to fuck you tonight but I'm not sure how to start things off’? You were never the one to start anything physical between the two of you, given that the nasty part of your brain loved to remind you that you might not be wanted.

"Nothing...I just wanted to do something but I'm not sure how to start."

That was a lie, really. You knew what to do, you just weren't sure how to summon up the courage.

A confused look flashed across your boyfriend's face at your very vague statement.

"What did you want to do?"

Summoning your courage you leant forward and pressed your lips to his. You felt his surprise for a second as he was always the initiator but it was only for a second - he eagerly returned the kiss from there on.

Jongho parted his lips slightly and swiped his tongue across your lower lip - an indication that he wanted to deepen it, to which you more than happily obliged.

As your tongues swirled around each other's you shifted on the couch to straddle his lap, just resting on his strong, thick thighs. This was another thing you'd never done, too worried your weight would be uncomfortable for him but you imagined if he was, he would let you know but he gave no sign of that. On the contrary, he seemed all too pleased to have you there, his hands grabbing your hips and pulling you further down into him.

As you continued to kiss you could feel the bulge in his jeans growing and gave an experimental thrust of your hips, earning a low moan from the man beneath you.

"Mmm, Baby what's gotten into you tonight?"

The way he looked up at you, his dark eyes curious but full of desire stirred a long-buried confidence from within you, resurrecting your dirtier side.

"Nothing...but I know what I'd like in me."

The best word to describe the look on Jongho's face was dumbstruck. This was absolutely not the kind of thing he expected to hear coming out of your mouth and, after taking a few seconds to recover, he cleared his throat.

"Y/N, are you sure you want to do this? You know I don't mind waiting until you're ready."

"I don't want to wait anymore. I want you."

Just then a horrible thought struck you - courtesy of the nasty part of your brain. What if he didn't mind waiting because he didn't like you that much?

"Unless you don't want to, of course."

Jongho rolled his eyes.

"Baby, I want to. So much. Just because I'm willing to wait until you're comfortable doesn't mean I'm not desperate to fuck you."

"Really?"

"You have no idea how much."

Feeling elated, you kissed him feverishly, your confidence renewed by his words. He returned the kiss just as enthusiastically, slipping his tongue in and making you go weak, like always.

You began grinding your hips against his clothed cock once more and Jongho moved his lips from your mouth to your neck, kissing along your smooth skin towards your shoulder, moving the fabric of your flimsy top and your bra strap aside when it got in his way. Both of you were getting pretty worked up at this point so he pulled away to whisper in your ear,

"Let's go into the bedroom."

A thrill of excitement ran through you at the meaning behind those words because, despite your insecurities about your body, you had fantasised about fucking Jongho for months now.

He led you into your bedroom by your hand - he hadn't been in here before as you'd never got to this point but, despite having not seen it, he didn't waste time looking around the room; his attention was solely on you as he headed straight for the bed. He sat you down on the side of your big bed and gently pushed you back - you got the hint and shuffled into the middle of your big bed with him following. You laid down and Jongho settled beside you, propping himself up on one arm and looking down at you, his eyes searched your face one last time for any signs you weren't sure about this. It wasn't your first time but it was your first time with him and the first time with anyone since your confidence and self-worth had become so damaged.

"Remember...if at any point you don't feel comfortable or change your mind...tell me and we can stop."

You placed your hands on either side of his face and smiled up at him - he was always thinking about you over himself. You didn't know how you'd got this lucky.

"I might not feel comfortable with myself but I am with you. I won't want to stop." You told him confidently and it was true; you knew he was going to look after you.

You pulled him down towards you so you could kiss him again - it had only been minutes since you last kissed but you needed his lips on yours again.

Jongho's soft lips pressed against yours gently at first but became more demanding as time went on and you kissed him back with just as much enthusiasm. The way your tongues swirled around each other felt somehow different this time - maybe because you both knew it was leading to more this time. Sometimes when you were kissing Jongho you felt you were both a bit reserved about it because you knew it wouldn't lead anywhere so why get yourselves that worked up? This time there was more passion, more desperation; you both wanted this so much. He wasn't rushing, though, he was taking his time and allowing you to feel comfortable before moving on to the next step.  

Your boyfriend's lips left yours to travel down to your neck, kissing and sucking your delicate skin while you got your breath back from the long kissing session. While he did this, the hand that he had on the side of your neck slowly moved down your chest and under the flimsy top you wore. You couldn't help but tense up and he paused his hand's movement but you put your hand on top of his and moved it upwards, urging him to continue. As anxious as you were, you wanted him to carry on...to feel his hands on your body.

Jongho's fingers lightly ghosted over the part of your breast that wasn't covered by your bra and just this simple touch was enough to start the excitement building in you. You wanted more, you wanted to be free for him to touch your chest so you did the bravest thing you'd done in ages, you sat up and lifted your top right up over your head, throwing it somewhere on the floor. You felt exposed but Jongho smiled at you appreciatively. You didn't know but this reassured him in a big way. He was worried that, as he was always the one to initiate anything between you, he was pushing you forward quicker than you'd like but this small action let him know you wanted this, too, and that you trusted him to be exposed in front of him like this.

More confident now, the dark blonde straddled you on the bed and returned to kissing your neck, switching between soft kisses and licks to biting and sucking - wanting to mark you so everyone could see you were his. As he marked the sensitive skin between your neck and shoulder a moan slipped past you at the sensation and you bit your hand to try and stifle it, embarrased at how easy it was for him to affect you like that.

"Don't." He said, gently pulling your hand away from your mouth, "I want to hear you. I want to hear how I'm making you feel."

You nodded and he went back to kissing you, slipping your bra straps off and moving down your chest, stopping to mark the top of one breast before reaching his hands behind to undo the clasp and removing the pretty bra completely. Instinctively your hands flew up to cover yourself but Jongho was quicker, grabbing your wrists and pinning them on each side of your head.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked with a small smile on his face. "I want to be able to see my beautiful girlfriend's body."

You couldn't deny him, not when he was looking at you so sincerely. Like he really did think you were something worth looking at.

"I'm going to let go of you now and you are not going to cover yourself up." The authoritative tone in his voice only added to your arousal but he really made you shiver when he brought one of your hands up to his head and said lowly,

"If you really need to do something with your hands you can play with my hair. I like it."

Your fingers trailed through Jongho's soft hair as he leaned down and brushed his lips against your breast...almost at your nipple but just teasing around it. Next he placed a kiss on the hardened bud, softly but just enough to excite you and have your core clenching around nothing. When he finally latched on to your nipple and sucked hard a thrill shot straight to your core and you pulled on his hair, earning a low groan from him.

He continued sucking and nibbling while he pinched and twisted your other nipple, switching sides every now and then and really working you up. If he was trying to excite you so much that you started to forget about your insecurities, then it was working. You didn't even tense up as he began to kiss down your stomach, undoing your jeans as he went. It would be a lie to say your worries weren't still in the back of your mind but Jongho was making you feel so good, kissing everywhere - even the areas you thought were too big - like he wanted to love every single part of you.

Your head snapped up when he stopped and got up - anxieties all ready to bubble up to the surface - but he just smiled at you from the end of the bed as he pulled your jeans completely off and said,

"Don't worry, Baby...my mouth will be right back in a second."

You giggled and relaxed back as he discarded your jeans, watching him crawl back up the bed to you before kissing you passionately. You felt his gentle fingers stroke your folds over your panties and had a brief moment of embarassment upon realising he must be able to feel the dampness from how excited he'd already made you. It was only a brief moment, though, because the overriding feeling was an absolute desire for him to stop being gentle and slide his long fingers inside you already. There was no way he didn't know this because you began to squirm slightly and bring your legs together in an effort to get a little friction at least.

"Are you that impatient?" He whispered in your ear, his hot breath fanning over your skin.

"I want you." You whimpered shyly; aware that he held all the power in this scenario but not minding one bit. If you had to define your temperament in bed, you would definitely be on the subby side.

"You can have whatever you want." He laughed affectionately, nibbling your earlobe before moving down to where you wanted him most.

Jongho slowly started to slide your damp panties down your legs and you felt like you just might explode. You were now wondering if he wasn't just going slow to make you feel more comfortable but instead wanted you to die from sexual frustration. You watched him impatiently as he finally took them off completely and he smirked. He was definitely teasing you and enjoying every minute of it.

His strong hands gripped your knees and parted your legs before positioning himself in between them but he wasn't done teasing yet. His soft lips ghosted over the delicate skin of your inner thighs right up to where they met your pussy. You could feel his breath tickle your folds as he hesitated, just admiring you and you whined loudly, partly because you felt too much on display but mostly because you needed some relief right now.

"Jongho!"

"Okay, okay. I'll stop teasing. Every single part of you is just so beautiful, even your pretty little pussy. I could just look at it all day"

You moaned again at his words and he dove straight in like he'd been waiting forever to do this, his hot tongue parting your wet folds and licking straight up from your core to your clit as his hands found their way around your thighs to pull you closer to him.

The moan that left you when his tongue finally touched you there was loud and erotic because he'd worked you up so much you'd become desperate for it - your clit so sensitive from anticipation that you imagined you'd cum embarrasingly quickly. In response to your obscene noises you felt the vibration of Jongho's low groan run through you - only adding to the sensations his tongue was providing.

As he lapped at your clit you couldn't help but grab his hair tightly, trying not to pull too hard but failing. He didn't seem to mind, though, he was getting more turned on by it if the grinding of his hips into the bed beneath him was anything to go by. Desperate for more you pulled him further in to you by his hair and he somehow knew what you wanted; he closed his lips around your clit and sucked hard. Another porn star-like moan escaped you; no one had ever made you feel quite this good before. He was almost taking your breath away with ther sheer pleasure his mouth was giving you.

Jongho's fingers dug in to your thighs as he pulled you impossibly close and alternated between licking and sucking but it was when he started to nibble at your clit that you came hard and loud, the waves of your orgasm flooding over you and drowning you in more pleasure than you'd ever felt before. It seemed to last forever as the dark blonde didn't stop, still lightly sucking to keep your high going. It wasn't until your legs were shaking and you were whimpering from overstimulation that he finally let go - not before a couple of kitten licks to your now unbearably sensitive bud.

Jongho crawled up the bed and reclined next to you, leaning on his elbow so he could look down at your blissfully fucked-out expression. He cupped your face with his hand and kissed your lips; you were still a little dazed but you enthusiastically kissed him back. His hand trailed to your breast, using his thumb to stroke your hard nipple and you squirmed a little as the feeling went straight back to your swollen clit. It was both excrutiating and incredibly pleasurable but too much for you to bear right now so you reluctantly took his hand and interlocked your fingers while you kissed instead.

Of course, he knew what you were doing and the smug look on his face confirmed that.

"Was it too much?" He inquired with fake innocence.

You shook your head and closed your eyes, still a little out of breath and he giggled at your still dazed state.

You laid quietly for a few moments, your boyfriend's hands stroking your skin, before deciding it was his turn. You got up and pulled on his shirt, indicating you wanted it off, he quickly complied and, once free of the clothing, you pushed him so he was laying flat on the bed. Straddling him you kissed his soft lips first, noting there was still a faint trace of you on them, before giving a little kitten lick to his top lip and moving down to his neck. As you kissed the skin around his collarbone he moaned lowly - clearly he enjoyed being kissed there as much as you did.

The noises coming from Jongho seemed to increase as you made your way down his toned chest and abs, running your warm hands over his smooth skin as you went. His body was so beautiful but, for once, you didn't feel inferior. The way he had treated you so far made you feel adored and even now, naked and exposed, he looked at you so appreciatively. The only thing you were feeling right now was amazement that someone this perfect could be yours.

As you reached the line of soft hair that went down from his belly button and disappeared into his jeans you felt excited to see what was underneath. You had a good idea that he was on the bigger side from the bulge you'd seen after some heated kissing sessions but you couldn't wait to see it for real so you started to unbutton his jeans. Jongho leaned up on his elbows, watching with anticipation as you unzipped him and took the waistband of his jeans and boxers in your hands. You looked up at him as you pulled them down, taking in his wide eyes and his bottom lip caught between his teeth. Part of you wanted to pay him back for the teasing while another wanted to draw out this moment of anticipation so you pulled down his clothing slowly, glancing up once or twice to see the slightly frustrated look cross his features. You smiled to yourself as you continued but the smile soon fell from your lips as you finally saw what Jongho had been hiding.

You felt your eyes widen as the smile dropped, your lips now open in awe. You knew he was going to be big but...fuck. Jongho wasn't just long, he was wide, too.

"Y/N?" His deep voice pulled you from your thoughts.

"Oh...uh...yeah?"

"You like what you're seeing?" He asked, looking more than a little smug.

"Yeah...but..."

"But what?" He teased.

"I just didn't expect you to be quite this...big."

Jongho giggled at your flustered expression. "You worried you're not gonna be able to take it all?" He said cockily.

"Oh no, I'm having it all." Your awe had faded and now you were getting excited again; you were desperate to see how he felt inside you.

Jongho groaned at your words and shimmied his jeans and boxers down past his hips while you took his length in your hand and slowly started to stroke up and down. He watched your hand moving as you gazed at him, not breaking eye contact as you lowered your head and gave his most sensitive spot a little lick. He groaned as you enveloped the head of his cock with your mouth, having to open wide to get it all in, then closed his eyes and threw his head back as you started to bob up and down.

His hands found their way to the back of your head - not pushing, just holding on as your head moved, intertwining his fingers with your hair. You could feel when he was getting more excited because his hand in your hair started to hold tighter, although it seemed like he was holding back slightly, trying not to hurt you.

You pulled off his dick, turning your attention to that most sensitive spot on the underside just under the head, flicking your tongue over it again and again. His hand in your hair shook slightly and he couldn't help but grab even tighter - you smiled and looked up at him teasingly. He almost growled but, surprisingly, pulled you off him completely. You didn't have time for your surprise to turn to worry, though, as he quickly said,

"If you carry on like that I'm gonna cum."

"That was sort of the point." You retorted playfully.

"I don't want to cum in your mouth just yet. Besides, tonight is for me to make you feel good and...show you how much I love you."

You heard the words but they didn't register fully as you were too busy worrying about him.

"But I want you to feel good, as well."

"Oh, I will," He replied confidently, "but I want to fuck you now and make you cum some more."

A shiver ran down your spine at his commanding tone. How could you refuse that kind of offer?

Jongho gently pushed you down so you were laying on your back, looking up at him in anticipation, the excitement was building inside you again. His strong hands spread your legs then placed himself in between them; he was looking at your pussy hungrily as it clenched around nothing but desperately wanting something to fill it. He leant forward and held himself over you with one hand while, with the other, he lightly started to stroke your wet folds with his fingertips. A shaky sigh left your lips and you closed your eyes, a little frustrated as your boyfriend seemed to be a master at teasing. You couldn't decide if you loved it or hated it because it drew the moment out and you knew it would feel a hundred times better once he finally entered you but god did you want his cock right now.

You opened your eyes again to see Jongho smirking down at you while he continued to stroke your folds - he was clearly loving the effect he had on you. You looked up at him with pleading eyes and he giggled but gave in to your unspoken request by sliding two fingers into your aching hole and curling them upwards to press on your sweet spot. You moaned loudly from the sudden relief - you were right...the teasing made it all the more rewarding now that he was touching you.

Your dark blonde boyfriend lowered his lips to yours and kissed you passionately, his tongue dancing with yours as you let him dominate the kiss. He pulled back slightly and sucked your bottom lip before gently nibbling it then pulling away completely. You chased after his lips, not wanting it to end so he gave in and kissed you some more, still sliding his fingers in and out of your wet hole.  

When he pulled away again you let him because you knew there was much better to come and you wanted more than just his fingers inside you. Jongho knelt between your legs and replaced his fingers with his achingly hard member, sliding it up and down between your folds and collecting your juices to lubricate himself before lining up with your heated core. As he pushed his length inside you, you both groaned in unison. You could feel him going deeper and stretching your walls out as they hugged his cock tightly - you'd never been with anyone that big before and it felt exquisite.

"Shit, you're so tight." Jongho growled as he bottomed out in you.

"Maybe you're just - aah! - too big." You said playfully as he found your sweet spot again.

Now that he'd found the right spot, Jongho continued to thrust, hitting it every time. It was overwhelming and you could feel the tension building in you causing you to keep clenching around his cock even tighter. As he picked up his pace even more, Jongho grabbed your hips so he could fuck into you harder. He was gripping you so tight you imagined the bruises that would be there in the morning and it caused your orgasm to approach even faster - you'd always had a bit of a kink for being manhandled.

Soon enough the high crashed over you and you cried out wantonly while Jongho did his best to keep going but your walls were holding him so tight now he could barely move.

"Fuck, Y/N, you feel so good around my cock."

As your high ebbed away and you relaxed a little, Jongho began to fuck you again. Now your pussy was hyper sensitive you could feel every ridge and vein as he thrusted in and out and the lewd squelching noises of him fucking your own cum back into you. His harsh movements were causing your breasts to bounce and you had a tiny moment of embarrassment. You moved your arms to cover yourself again but instantly Jongho's strong hands grabbed your wrists and pinned them on either side of your head.

"I told you I wanna see you while I fuck you. Your tits look so beautiful bouncing as I slam my cock into you."

As if to confirm how much he liked it he bent his head down and took one of your hardened nipples into his mouth and sucked hard. It felt so good you forgot all about being embarrassed and Jongho pinning you down while he fucked you was a bigger turn-on than you'd imagined. You hadn't told him but you loved how strong he was.

You could feel he was getting close to cumming by the way his hips began to stutter and his dick twitching inside you. You knew what you wanted but weren't sure if he wanted the same.

In a small voice you whispered, "Will you cum inside me?"

"God...I've been waiting so long for this. It was torture not being able to fuck you."

You took that as a yes.

Jongho's grunt increased as he neared and with a few more sloppy thrusts he came inside you, covering your tight walls in his creamy, white release.

He stayed inside you for a while, just getting his breath back. You gazed up at him wondering how he could be even hotter now that his hair was slightly sticking to his forehead with sweat.

Your boyfriend slowly pulled out of you and laid down beside you, drawing you into a hug and gently stroking your hair. It was quiet for a few minutes while you just enjoyed the sensation of being naked in his arms with nothing between you. Something was also playing on your mind, now that you remembered the words he spoke earlier but that you'd been to distracted to register at the time. After some time thinking you decided to just ask him.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" He asked, bending his head down to kiss your hair.

"You said you wanted to show me how much you love me." Your voice was almost a whisper as the fear of being wrong gripped you but without a second's hesitation he replied,

"Of course I did. I love you. I know I haven't said it before tonight but it seemed like a good time to tell you."

You looked up at him, gazing back down at you with the most sincerity you'd ever seen in his beautiful, dark eyes.

"I love you, too, Jongho. I think I have done for months now."

"You are the most beautiful person in the world to me - inside and out. Don't ever forget that."

"How did I get so lucky to have you?"

"I am perfect, aren't I?" He joked. You rolled your eyes and playfully swatted at him.

"If you want to," he said, more serious now, "you can have me forever."

"Deal." You replied, snuggling back into his strong embrace.

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Blood, tears and sea breeze.

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 5: Walls made of love

The diaries started as a joke, and Alec Could see Y/N was not taking her assignment seriously, he could even imagine Dr. Florence exasperated expression reading them, as much as he remembered the way she looked at him when talked about his own dreams. But every now and then there was some real opinion about her life.

Monday, April 8, 2019

08:00 am. I get to school and I didn't take breakfast, I had a boring morning, as boring as this bloody activity. Sorry doc, but you clearly fail on this one.

10:00 am That was rude I know, but what else you want me to tell, I had a boring lunch and I have a call from Jonathan's mother, I get it the ring was important and I know how much she doesn't me to take away her son, she doesn't have to be that bitchy about it.

By the time he reach the last five days he listened to the tape as he was reading, there were just little more details about what she ate, barely anything, and the people she talk around the day. One detail call his attention, apparently Paul was indulgent enough to let her drive for brief moments in straight lines, and Hardy was not sure if it was relevant for the case or not.

Then he finally found the recollection of the night she went out drinking with Ashley, she usually put on hours before writing so the doctor would follow better her descriptions.

2:30 - I just came home and took a shower, I'm sorry Doc, you will be receiving this one way late than usual, and please don't worry, I went for drinks with Ash as I told you yesterday I would, do you actually read this? I would hate to imagine a woman like you sitting at home alone waiting for my poor written crap. Anyway, I'll tell you a secret I didn't drink today, we were at the club at 10 but stupid Jonathan called me to tell me that I shouldn't be going out with, I told him where he could put his opinion, but I listen and took only mocktails, Ash didn't notice I think, she was so funk I even drove back, thankfully the streets were empty, I hope she didn't eat me out with Jonathan, and I will apologize to him lateer in the morning, I will tell him: I can't wait to be doing this for the rest of our lives.

I haven't told hin about your plann of putting me on medication, I will surprise him with it when he gets back, that would definitely make him happy.

"Hardy, Paul Coates is here, he wants to talk to you" One of the agents said and he immediately pull the papers behind some other files, they felt like something private not sure why.

"Sure, tell him I'll be out in a minute" He said and once he was away he move to close the blinds and the door of his office.

But if I'm completely honest I'm not sure if he actually wants me to get bettr or just wants me to be what he wants, as you said we all put on walls, and as I tried to move on from mine and from the memory of parents stopping me from getting out of Broadchurch I let Jonathan trapped me in litral walls in our huse, and the walls made of love that I built to keep me from telling him that I want to drive, that I need to work, that I'm capable, anyway have a nice night or morning or whatever time is you are reading this, I'll send you the next entry tomorrow.

Alec checked the time when Dr Florence received the document 2:53 am, so a few minutes after she wrote it, wich was obvious since it had several misspellings and missing letters.

He had already checked the traffic cameras around her home and all her movements checked out, there at 1:52 am just a few miles before the dirty road to her cottage he identified the car that should belong to Langford, and then the same car leaving at 2:05 however the first time he didn't notice that she was the one driving, and then Ashley driving back, apart from that her story checked out.

He stood up and walk to a waiting room where Paul was sitted , he respected the reverend but sometimes his good intentions could be too much.

"DI Hardy" He said always polite standing up to shake his hand "I'm sorry to bother you but is about Y/N"

"Do you have new information about the case?" Hardy said dryly, and sitedin front of him "I believe Miller already talked to you this morning, and I don't have more to say apart from that"

"No, I already say everything I know, is just I figured since Y/N is not going to be able to go back to his place because of ... the investigation and that" he frowned thinking about Jonathan's body "I thought maybe she could stay at the church, we always have a spare room and well since her family is not around I figured ..."

"How did you know she is getting free?" Alec interrupted him.

"Well I don't think she is responsible for anything" He started clearly surprised that he questioned that.

"Ah, you think you can do my job better than me?" Hardy said, clearly about to loose his temper.

"I just think, or at least I like to think I'm better at knowing people" Paul was more serious, and Hardy was shock by that, maybe it was the years of tragedy he had face with the town, or maybe it was something more personal.

"Oddly how things turn out isn't it? The fiance is gone, and now she goes back to you, and you even want her to live with you. And you are no longer with Becca do you? All seems way too convenient don't you think?" He said looking for something in the priest face, but there was only indignation.

"What are you suggesting? Really? You are going to questioning me?" He said and Hardy just remained silent with her arms crossed "Fine if I you need to know, and I'm surprised Ellie hasn't told you yet, I know her ages ago, her, Ashley we went to school together, and we were together for about one year, I don't know she was 26 at the time. And we broke up because I was busy with the church and we have been friends since then." He said quickly and Alec nodded.

"And you were friends with Norbury?" Alec asked not sure on why he wanted to know.

"I introduced them, a few weeks after he move here he began helping me at the church, and she often volunteers to watch the trouble makers, she must have watch Tom and Danny a couple times back in those days" a shadow of sorrow crossed his face remembering the young kid, something that happened often in broadchurch "I actually forgot to tell something to Ellie" He said remembering suddenly "I don't think is relevant but anyway, I am I meet Jonathan at a AA meeting, and that's why he started helping at the church. He had troubles with drinking at London that's why he came here."

"Did he ever relapse?" Alec ask suddenly with all his alarms on "Like recently?"

"Not that I know, he didn't want Y/N to know about it, and I ask him to talk to her before the wedding, I'm not sure if he did" The sad look was back now for his lost friend.

"She'll be out in fifty" Alec said standing up, and walking towards the door "You can wait for her here"

"What? Oh thanks, she has been trough a lot already, I hope I can help her out on this at least."

"You said her family is not around, what ever happened to them?" He said suddenly stopping at the door.

"They died, in a car accident ten years ago, she was about to leave town, she was not living with them anymore, she was the youngest and they care for her a lot, but after that she felt guilty I guess, she started coming more to church and her problem got worse for a few weeks, I hope that doesn't happen again".

"Sure" Hardy said and walked fast to the interrogation room where Y/N have spent the night. He found her sitted in the same place, and she had clearly been crying, he felt sorry for her, but he had to get things clear first.

"You lied to us" He started siting in front of her. "You drove home on Friday morning out of the bar" She only nodded and took a sip of the water bottle she hasn't touched yet.

"I'm sorry" Y/N said with a throaty voice "I did, I know I'm not supposed to but I actually can drive very well, and I haven't drink that night it, I thought it was safer if I take the wheel than Ash, but she was stubborn enough to drive back herself"

"Any particular reason on why you don't drink?" He asked not giving it much importance.

"I really don't like it that much, and it worsens my anxiety, so I may take a glass of wine here and there, I think that's why I blacked out so long two weeks ago I did drink a few more shots than my usual three" she said putting her hair behind her ear "He was in AA" She said biting her nails "Or at least I think he was, someone left a voice message about changing the hour for the meeting" She face Hardy with red eyes but she didn't cried, not anymore.

"Do you ever saw him drinking?" He asked and his mind was still in the coroner report trying to remember what he said about the content of the stomach.

"No, also he always had "Boy's night" with Paul on the day I knew he had his AA meetings, is weird how any of them thought I will figure it out" She had a sad smile on her face "I always thought he was a terrible liar because of it"

"You can leave, reverend Coats, amm Paul is waiting for you" She gave him a surprise look.

"Why is Paul here?" She asked then putting up her hands so he could uncuffed her.

"You can't go to your own place, we are still looking for evidence there" Alec said avoiding her gaze.

"Detective Hardy, do you believe me?" She asked caressing her wrist, they felt numb after all that time.

"Is there a reason I shouldn't?" He asked looking at her straight in the eyes.

"No, but earlier it felt like you thought it was me" She said.

"I don't have to believe you or not, I make questions and I follow evidence, and evidence doesn't suggest you did it" He avoided answer her directly.

"Then can I ask you a favor?" She said standing up. "When you find who did this to us, and I have faith in you to do it, if is someone I know, please don't tell me" Her voice was low and almost imperceptible and he had to bend over the table to listen better.

"Why?" He asked in a whisper almost as quiet as hers.

"Because I would hate them, and I would want to kill them, and I don't want to be that kind of person" She said and he could see the fear and sorrow in her eyes, and felt grateful that another officer entered to take her way from him. He went back to his office trying to forget that look when Miller walked in.

"Did you let her go? Paul told me on the way out she would stay at the church, that seems fine for now" She said looking at him but he was apparently not listening. "Ready to go see his apartment?"

"What does the coroner said about his stomach?" He asked suddenly leaning back on his chair.

"Vodka? Whiskey? Some sort of alcohol, why?" She asked curious.

"Yeah, something like that, come on Miller we can't lost more time" There he is, Miller smile when he put on his coat again and start walking outside. "By the way, I haven't told you this" He turned at her with a odd expression in his face "I am in therapy with Dr. Florence, I have been there for a few months now, is not important, I just thought you should know" He nodded and kept walking.

"Ok, sure, fine. That's great" Miller said against her impulse of asking more, she was glad he shared that of course, but she knew how hard must have been for him to admit it. "Anyway Becca Fisher owns the apartment where Norbury lived, she gave me the key"

They walked out and Alec started telling her about Jonathan's problem with alcohol, and a few other details he learned that morning but leaving out all about the diaries. He was sure as much as Ellie that Y/N was innocent but that only made things more complicated and he was hoping for a new lead to appear at the apartment, Please don't tell me her voice resonated in his mind and when he closed his eyes he could see her face. This was getting more and more difficult every minute.

I wasn't sure if people was actually reading this, but I'm glad they are, so if you want to be in the tag list just say so and I would gladly add you.

@allonsymexgirl

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW - 4 start. Guys... why didn't you tell me it was sooooo bad?!? I reread it and damn... my brain and fingers really haven't been communicating

Eren didn't want to shut Levi out, but between coming off his pills, loosing dancing, being pregnant and being told he very may loose his pup from all the stress he was under, Levi's probing was way too much right now... Even if it was therapeutic to vent. Everything had hit him all at once when he'd seen Levi's concerned face at Hanji's. He hated knowing Levi was worried. He hated making him look that way. He didn't want to make his alpha feel worse, that's why he'd only told him he couldn't dance anymore, rather than that he was pregnant and could miscarry at any time. As it was, he'd have to call his Ballroom partner and let her know that he wouldn't be around for the next few weeks... knowing that he'd be letting her down. For an alpha, Sasha had all the strength, but the personality of an omega. She loved her weapons, just as much as she loved her soft things. Most of her partnerships had fallen short due to her excitable personality, leaving her wondering why she'd started dancing at all. Her husband Connie had two left feet, according to Sasha, and his prankster personality made it hard to take dancing seriously, not that she truly did, but she did love it. He really liked Sasha, and she didn't think any less of him for being an omega... even when she was giving him shit for it. Waking up, Eren couldn't understand why he was so hot. His eyes feeling gritty as he forced them open, finding Levi's face millimetres from his. Right. He'd had a stupid breakdown over everything. Coming off his pills, combing with the nausea of pregnancy had left a lot of his functions fluctuating. His fainting spell coming from dehydration and the fact his body was struggling with it all. That would explain it... Wriggling from Levi's hold, the alpha tried to cling to him, mumbling his name. Fuck... he couldn't remember the last time they'd woken up like this... probably since before Viren had gotten his feet under him. When he was a small pup, they'd spend hours laying in bed, watching him sleep and dreaming of their future. Shit. He'd missed this. Their bed. Levi's cuddles... he couldn't do this right now. Escaping the bed, he found Titan had even wandered in, sprawling across the bottom of the bed like he'd never given his position to in the first place. Flicking his tail, he pretty much confirmed Eren's thoughts. If he could talked he'd, no doubt, say how happy he was that it was just the three of them again. Wrapping his arms around his waist. Eren looked towards Viren's bedroom. He might have needed a break, but it felt so cruel to send Viren away. The boy hadn't done anything wrong. Not in loving Levi... and if he did grow to be an alpha, he was only giving Eren the respect he deserved as a fucked up omega. Showering and dressing, he walked out to find Levi in the kitchen. His head was pounding like a bass drum. The last thing he wanted to do was pretend to be human, let alone a functioning one. Bed was soooo close. He could make... oh... nope, Levi was looking at him "Hey, you. How did you sleep?" "I could use another 20 years worth" Levi snorted, shaking his head. How the fuck did he manage to look so fucking good in the morning? "Come sit down and I'll make you breakfast. I thought we could go shopping today" "What happened to work?" "You're more important. How does shopping sound?" Like peopling... and being nice to people... and seeing people... "Can I have some painkillers? My head hurts" "You need water. You're still dehydrated" Walking over to the dining table, it was weird that Viren wasn't there. That he wasn't sitting on the kitchen counter talking to Levi, or stealing treats. Sitting down, he drew his right knee up, to rest his chin on it. Watching Levi bringing over a tall glass of milk, and two small white tablets. Placing them down, Eren guessed he should be happy that Levi wasn't checking him a for a fever "What do you want for breakfast?" "I'll make some cereal in a minute" "I'll make you cereal. Which one do you want? I think we have cocopops" "They're Viren's. I have cornflakes in the pantry" "Just because our son likes most of the same shit you do, doesn't mean you should go without" "It's fine. I don't feel hungry" "Were you sick again?" "No..." "Maybe you're getting better? Did you mention the bug yesterday?" Bug. He could live with the pup being called bug "Yeah. They just said to keep my fluids up" "I didn't see your appointment on the fridge" "It's on Friday the twenty-second at 4" "So Friday" Shit. He'd been sure it was next week "Yeah. Well, we need to be down in Paradis and I wanted to get it done before then" They'd offered to give him an ultrasound, but he didn't want one. Not with Hanji so close... he wanted to wait and see, as to whether he'd miscarry or not "Ok. I'll add it to the calendar, and see that I'm off" "I told you I can take myself" Downing the pills and gulping down the milk, he prayed they'd kick in soon. Pottering around the kitchen, Levi pulled out the container of cornflakes. He really suited his role as a dad. He might have gained some more wrinkles and there may now be more than a few grey hairs creeping in, but it really suited him. He was so good with Viren... "I thought we could go clothes shopping for you. It's getting cold again, and we are going on holiday" "I don't need clothes" His clothes were fine. They did the job. His anxieties decided to flare... the little voices arses as usual. Maybe this was Levi's way of telling him he needed to stop looking like a slob. It was so hard to have anything nice with kids in and out of the apartment. Something was always being spilt or there was vomit, or tears or... stuff. He binned his clothes when they got super holy... and there'd been a mass binning after Viren round a pair of scissors. Binning his yoga pants had nearly made him cry. Not that he had time for yoga... he'd have even less when the pup came... but Levi really didn't seem that keen on having another pup... Maybe he was starting to like him again because he was thin again... and he didn't dress in "girly" clothes anymore...? There was too much to think about. His brain hurt without the added pain of thoughts "Eren?" "What? Sorry" "I was saying you should let me buy you some new things" Eren pushed a smile to his lips, feeling it fall short. He didn't need Levi to buy things for him. He had money. He had more money than he knew what to do with. More money than he'd ever thought he'd have "Yeah. Maybe... it depends if I like anything" "You could probably get a few nice dresses or tops. Whatever you like. You always look good to me" It wasn't because he didn't look like a girl anymore? Did Levi want him to look more girl like? It seemed like so long since he'd bought his own clothes... and it wasn't like he didn't have nice clothes. He couldn't go Ballroom dancing in sneakers and a holy shirt... he just didn't want the kids ruining the few nice things he had. He'd had to hide the charm bracelet Levi had gifted him, along with the glass dolphin as Viren had tried to destroy them both "Ok" "Good" "When's Viren coming home?" Levi frowned at him, Eren feeling guiltier. He'd forced him to send his son away... "Whenever I call Hanji" "You should. He won't understand why you're not there" "He's healthy and he's safe..." "It feels cruel" "You need time to recharge" "You". Not "we". Levi was only doing this because he was so weak. Shit... Jumping up from his seat, Eren ran to the bathroom sink. Throwing up the milk and pills he'd just swallowed, a hand went to his stomach as he groaned. Placing a hand on Eren's back, Levi rubbed it softly, as he nuzzled into Eren's shoulder "You really should let me take..." "I've been to hospital. I don't need to go back. I had a piss and blood test. If it was something to worry over, I'd still be there" He sounded so fucking pissy. No wonder Levi rushed to soothing mode "Ok. Ok. I'm worried, that's all" "Stop it. I didn't ask for your help or worry!" Crap. He'd snapped at Levi. Shit. Coughing, it turned wet as he vomited again "Eren" "Fuck it. I'm not going to be able to eat breakfast. Let's just go do whatever you wanted to" "I wanted to take you shopping... for you" "I don't need anything. Save your money" For someone who actually deserved it "Eren. I want to start trying to fix things between us. I want to buy you things. I want to do things with you... I want to make this work. Last night, you were rejecting me. It hurt. It hurt to know I pushed you that far" "It's not just you to blame. I'm the one who's..." "I know what you're going to say, but you're not. You're not fucked in the head. Or crazy. You're exhausted and stressed. You're also my omega. I want to live up to the promises I made you. So stop thinking you're a basket case, and stupid, or whatever" "It's the same thing" "No, it's not. I know you're not crazy" "Because I didn't freak out on you yesterday" "And how often you freak out. You haven't had a panic attack that severe in a while" That Levi knew about... even when medicated, they'd still come, though milder. The ones off of his meds... yeah. He knew he was still a basket case. He couldn't have this pup. Not like this... he'd have to talk with his doctor about options... he didn't want to abort it, but he was a bad mum and a bad omega "Why don't you change into something warmer? I'll make you some toast for breakfast" "I told you I can't eat" "You need to. It's not healthy not to. Even if it's just a slice of toast, you need something in your stomach" He wasn't going to win... no matter what he did or said.... "Fine. I'll go change" Levi kissed his shoulder. Eren instantly wanting to cave into the man's touch. He wanted Levi to love him like he used to. When he'd randomly kiss him, or hug him, or jump into the shower with him, or wrap his arms around him and cling like a child as he cooked... He missed laying in bed talking and snuggling. He missed having real adult conversations, and watching scary movies to make fun of them. God. He longed for it all... Feeling his emotions well, his omega snarkily reminded him that he could have all of that, if he wasn't such a sorry excuse for an omega. He hadn't missed the insults his omega would supply. He hadn't missed feeling this shitty. He hadn't missed his paranoia or depression. He definitely hadn't missed feeling like he was walking on eggshells around his own emotions. No. He hadn't missed any of that. * Dragged shopping, Eren kept trying to put things back. While Levi kept putting things in the shopping trolley. He was trying not to let the fact he was pregnant influence his purchases. If Levi had wanted another pup from him, he wouldn't be using two condoms or avoiding the subject. That was the clear answer to their problem. Shorts it was. It was still warm enough to pull them off He ended up with an insane amount of new clothes and shoes that he was sure he didn't need. They wouldn't stay nice and new for long. He couldn't help but pick up clothes for Viren. Levi brushed off his enquiries of where his new clothes were. His alpha was better at buying new clothes for himself than Eren had been since Viren's birth, and anything that Levi had wore to death, was magically replaced thanks to online shopping. Despite the fact it would probably never be used, Eren did manage to buy some new makeup colour pallets and foundation. He missed the days where he used to take such good and careful care of his skin, only his stretch marks and suicide scars got any attention these days. Levi had naturally perfect skin. The alpha never knew his pain, or the pain of a breakout. It was hard to accept acne when it was on your face, as acne had such an ugly stigma. His changing hormones had brought more pimples than he knew what to do with. No one chose acne, but they did choose to be a dick about it. After clothes shopping, Levi forced him to have a manicure and pedicure, while the alpha took care of something. He didn't know what, only that Levi kissed him, then disappeared off to wherever he had in mind, leaving Eren to trail into the salon in a state of confusion. Was it wrong that he was kind of feeling a little better, up until Levi had left? He had Levi's undivided attention. His mate was listening to his words, and his son wasn't throwing a tantrum over Levi paying attention to him. He was so fucking selfish. His son was just a pup. He deserved all Levi's attention, and Levi deserved to be happy. Struggling with his anxieties, he barely made his wishes understood, clumsily pointing out a nice cheese-leaf design for his fingers. Coming back mid-pedicure, Levi was sans their shopping. Standing over the woman doing his nails, his mate crossed his arms, while Eren found himself staring. His stomach was rolling like there was no tomorrow, for the first time in a long time, he really wanted to scratch... he should be enjoying this. Levi wanted him to enjoy this. Fucking pregnancy meaning no sanity pills. Levi could have just said he was off to put the shopping in the car, maybe he was mad over how much they'd ended up buying? Eren had said no. He'd even tried to put things back because they were way too much... but Levi had pulled out his m card and paid for it all without giving him a chance to pay for himself. Lifting his feet out the water to dry them, the small beta woman asked what colour he wanted his toenails. Levi pulled a face like it was weird, so he left it to his alpha, as a small stab of revenge. Levi choosing a dark green that he hadn't even noticed. It was nice, but he wasn't sure he wanted green toes until she started painting them. Mentally sighing to himself, he'd have to remember to wear shoes, or risk upsetting Viren. But hey, at least it went with his silver fingernails and their dainty leaf design. Leaving the salon, Levi wrapped his arm around his waist. Eren's knees nearly going weak as his alpha's scent wrapped around him "Is there anything else we need to get? Or is it just food shopping, left?" "I need to get a suitcase. I don't have one, and I think Viren needs a new one. His is filled with toys" "He does know he can't take all his toys with him" "He's two, nearly, three. He doesn't understand that he is coming back" "You know, you're really good with him. I know things haven't been great, but you've always kept trying to do what was best for him. He's lucky to have you as a mum" "I wouldn't say that" "Eren" "It's true. I'm not much of a mum" "You are. You run the whole household. You keep us all in check. You cook. You clean. You pay the bills. You make the appointments. You know what needs to be done and you take care of it. I'm so proud of you, and I'm sorry I've been putting so much pressure on you" "I don't do much... I mean. I'm usually with the kids" "I don't have the patience to spend the day chasing after four kids. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry you can't dance right now. But... it's temporary right?

[graequeen]

La Mia Ragazza Rockey

Chapter 3

I never knew how hard it was to find another job. I mean, it's easy to fill out the applications, and send out resumes, but it was another to find one that worked with my schedule. I worked one job Monday through Friday, 8am to 5pm, and I worked my other job 12pm to 6pm on Saturday and Sunday. Even with just two jobs, I barely have enough time to sleep, let alone relax. The only thing that I found so far was more waitressing jobs, and I won't lie, I am done with waitressing. 

          It's been two weeks since I last spoke with Danny, and he hasn't stopped trying to reach me. I had to change my phone, and number, and put all of my social media accounts on private. It was quite annoying to be honest, not to mention, expensive. 

          Danny even began bothering Caden at work, though he made sure to keep his distance from him at times. Veronica had been clinging onto Danny, and has been posting shady shit on her Facebook account. Everyone noticed a change in her personality. Since they've been caught, Danny tries his hardest to stay away from her. Because of this, she has been coming into work with questionable attire.

          I haven't been ok since the fight; I've been just going with the everyday flow. I've been distracting myself as best as I could, trying my hardest to shake this depressing feeling away. I still managed to work my other jobs, though it proved to be difficult. I've either slept on my desk at the office, or shown up a half hour late to my cleaning job. It's been bugging me, because I have strong work ethics; I don't work like this. 

          At the moment, I was using Caden's laptop, searching through Craigslist. I've been staying over Caden's place, sleeping on the couch. I've been trying to find a place of my own, but I can only focus on one hard task at a time. 

          Caden was out working at the moment, and I was with his roommate Tony. Tony usually kept to himself when there was company over; he was the complete opposite of Caden in regards to personality. But he was being helpful, and decided to assist me. We both spent this Friday evening diligently searching over whatever job posting we can get our hands on online. 

          "Rockey, what about substitute teaching?" Tony asked as he poured himself another cup of coffee. He just came back from working overnight, and didn't get a chance to sleep. "If memory serves me correctly, didn't you complete your Associate's Degree?" 

          I began to think. 'I did complete my Associate's  Degree...but for Psychology. What the fuck am I going to do with an Associate's Degree in Psychology!?' I began to bang my head softly against the narrow kitchen counter. "I swear I am going to become a PIMP AND MAKE SOME REAL MONEY!" I exclaimed. 

          Tony began to laugh at my resolve, but there was a large part of me was not lying. I wonder how much they really make…?

          "But seriously Jaz, you can become a substitute teacher. Or a private tutor or something?" Tony added. He walked by me and showed me a listing for a private tutor on his phone. There were a few listings for nearby schools and wealthy families that needed help. My doubts began to bubble forward.

          I picked one randomly, and read the description. "Tutor Needed: Family in search of a private tutor to help three young kids. Would need total understanding of elementary school subjects, have college credits, and be available after school at 3:30pm Monday thru Friday. Wage would be determined based off of education and experience. Only serious applicants apply!" 

          "Hmmm…" I said. It was interesting, but my doubts began to weigh heavy. The hours did coincide with my current availability, but there was a great chance that this would take up most of my time. Becoming a private tutor for one child would be time consuming, imagine three?! I mean, if the pay was great, I would be able to switch things around, but there was no guarantee that I would get paid a lot…

          "You are over thinking it, aren't you?" Tony asked. I couldnt help but look at him with astonishment. 

          "Tony, how do you know what I am thinking?! If you weren't batting for the other team, I would have proposed to you already! I swear you know me!" I said, only half jokingly. 

          Tony handed me another cup of coffee, and sat next to me. "Jaz, it wouldn't hurt to check it out. And what is the worst they can say to you? No? And what if you end up getting the job? Imagine if you like it?!" He said, purring his last words. That last part made me laugh so hard, that I cried. It's been a awhile since I laughed that hard; it felt good. 

          "Fine!" I said after a few minutes of laughing. "I'll send over my resume over. But when I don't get an interview, I'm going to cry!" I said in a dramatic fashion. I began to pretend crying, adding obnoxious sounds like a two year old. Tony was quick to shut me up.

          "Now with that out of the way, you NEED to do something about your hair and wardrobe! Girl, I cannot let you leave this apartment looking the way you do." He said as he grabbed my arm and rushed me to the bathroom. 

          Before I had a chance to protest, my hair was out of its messy bun, and let loose. He began to dig through the cabinets; taking out boxes of hair dye. After removing three boxes of an ash brown hair color, he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my head. "My love, get ready for an entirety new you!"