#but self sacrifice i think is given more credit than it deserves when the real profundity to me is the human drive to live

[incidentalblr]

listen valvert is a better exploration of les mis’s themes than enjoltaire could ever be

[gracelesstars]

Complete 101 guide list: What to ask at a Supernatural Con?

(Click here for new updates)

*cracks knuckles* well, I guess it’s time to become that person WHO DOES ALL OF THE GROUP’S PROJECT BY THEMSELVES bc no one else seems to give a sh*t anymore. 

I mean, the gates were open, the ban-lists were lifted, vaccines distributed, gay marriage legalised and y’all still dared to stand on the holy ground of the con microphone (where fellow brave 2012-2019 Destiel comrades have laid their bodies beforehand - may their souls r.i.p.), and ask “do yo got allergies?”, “what’s your favourite candy”, “where’d you go if you stole impala”or some crap like that. And now we got thee “homo Qs scary” ban reinstated (thanks, jpeg!)...

Do not despair though, it's not to late - we can fix it! Copy these questions word for word, I don’t care about the credit, but if I hear you ask ONE MORE DAMN TIME “What was your favourite type of Cas to play? :)” - you’ll be finding a “lovely” surprise under your bed that night. :)

MISHA

You said numerous times before that you’re happy with Cas’ ending. Is it because of the homophobic environment you had to work in, which for so many years denied any sort of acknowledgement of Destiel? So getting something feels better than nothing? Or do you really think this is the best ending that Cas could’ve gotten and that Cas deserved? 

What happened that made network (and Jensen) finally approve of Destiel and let it go canon after years of denial, gaslighting, and homophobia?

You mentioned before that if Jensen did not agree, the confession scene would not have happened? Why is that so given that his character didn’t react much during it and was impacted very minimally by it afterwards?

What do you think Dean & Cas’ first kiss was like? Where and when did it happen?

How often do you check tumblr? (Not “if” - “how often”) (source)

Jensen said that he thinks Dean and Cas fuck all the time, your thoughts, Misha? (source: i think we should just lie for the drama and just to see what happens)

(PARTIALLY ANSWERED)You’ve always been a big ally of the LGBTQ+ community, so could you reiterate that Cas’ confession was romantic, Cas is gay, and that we’re still not crazy, for those, who have not heard it before or who want to strip Cas away from him homosexuality/queerness?

Follow up question: For many queer people allowing Cas’ confession to be left for interpretation is a form queer identity erasure, invalidation, and gaslighting. Now, you’ve dubbed it at first as a “homosexual declaration of love”, do you still think that? Or do you think that, because it is a form of art, it is valid to interpret it however one wants?

(ANSWERED)  You have said that you started playing Cas as canonically in love with Dean in s15 after you knew about the confession scene. Could you tell us more about what different acting choices have you decided to make in order to portray Cas’ feelings for Dean?

JENSEN

Questions about Dean/finale

You said that s15 was made with Dean’s death as a given. Why then have the whole season showing us Dean trying to heal his trauma, understand his anger issues, be better and less self-depreciating - all to revert to his early seasons’ suicidal ideation and wipe off 15 years of character development in the last 2 episodes, by portraying him as nothing more but a 15 year interruption to his brother’s life?

If Dean’s last season aspirations have been about getting free out of the maze, knowing what’s real, and having a choice, why kill him right after he supposedly have achieved them at last? Why not let him reap the rewards of his battles and sacrifices? Why not have him live and experience something good for all the times he bled and died for the world? Do you think Dean deserved to die then and like that?

The top ten men that Dean Winchester would like to fuck? (source: “if he refuses to answer i want “jomophobe” trending on every social media by noon”)

Questions about spin-off

When and why did you decided you wanted to get the rights to Supernatural and make a spin off? 

In the prequel is John going to be portrayed as the abusive parent and terrible person that he was? Or is it going to be another apologist show justifying, redeeming and validating the abusers (especially abusive parents’) wrongdoings? As that seems to be popular trope in Hollywood movies right now?

Questions about Dean & Cas' relationship

When did you start playing Dean as in love with Cas? (and watch his brain go ERROR404 trying not to answer this homophobic-ly)

If Dean had enough time to process and respond to Cas’ romantic love declaration, would he have reciprocated or would he have turned Cas down, because he’s straight (and/or homophobic)?

Why did you veto Dean saying “I love you” to Cas back in 8x17?

Do (did?) questions about Destiel make you uncomfortable?

In the past, you’ve said that “Destiel is not real” and that “Dean is not bisexual”, do you still hold these opinion?

Why Dean didn’t ask for Jack to bring Cas back in 15x19, especially, when he literally begged Chuck for it, even offering his or Sam’s lives earlier at the same episode?

Why Dean didn’t look for Cas in Heaven after he was told that he was alive?

In original ending Dean was supposed to come upon Jimmy in heaven? Could you tell more about that? Like, how Dean reacted? What did he say to Jimmy and what did he feel like when Jimmy said he’s not Cas?

Why do you think that Dean and we as humans cannot be sure if angels can experience romantic and/or sexual love, when we and Dean have seen archangel Gabriel who has had lots of sex in porn, seen Adam - the first man - have a long lasting relationship with an angel, knew about angels having sex with humans and creating nephilim, Lily Sunder and her angel romantic partner, and lastly Dean - having sex and brief romantic relationship with angel Anna himself?

In 15x09 after reuniting with Cas in purgatory Dean told him that he had “something to say” and after Cas cut him off and told him he didn’t need to say it, he didn’t look pleased about it. Was there something else that Dean wanted to tell that he didn’t in his prayer?

Another Dean actor - Guillermo Rojas - has said that his Dean’s reciprocation was indented and that “everybody says if you want to be a real man, you have to be like Dean Winchester, and Dean Winchester is in love with Castiel.” What are you thoughts on that? Do you agree? (insp.)

Given that Dean was shown to favour various fashionable attires throughout the seasons. What do you think he wore to his and Cas’ wedding?

Other

Jared said that Dean wouldn’t want for Sam to end up with Eileen. What are you thoughts on that?

JPAD

You’ve been a big advocate for mental health and had many themes about it incorporated into the show. This has attracted a lot of fans who could relate to it because of their personal experience. What are your thoughts about it given that, in the end, Supernatural decided to show that the only to get away from the trauma and suffering is through death? Do you agree with this message?

You have said that your tweets regarding not knowing about Jensen’s prequel have been misunderstood. So, could you tell what tone and message did you want to convey with “Et tu, Brute, what a truly awful thing you’ve done. #Bravo you coward” to Robbie Thompson then?

Have you apologised to Robbie Thompson for calling him a Shakespearean traitor and a coward for choosing to work with Jensen of the SPN prequel?

Why did you say that angels, and especially Cas, are “junkless” when we have seen many examples on the show of not only angels, and Cas, having sex but being in romantic relationships, too?

Is the reason you define Sam and Eileen as a pseudo romance because you can’t imagine a disabled person being in a romantic relationship? (source)

Do you wish you had more opportunities to explore and build upon Sam and Ruby's platonic relationship? I really liked how you portayed them like siblings!

J2

How do you respond to the fact that so many people use your words, actions, & your show & characters as justification for their bigotry? (source)

You gave this show 15 years of your life, given that Supernatural (especially in its last few episodes) promoted suicidal ideation - portraying dying as a best way to deal with trauma, villainized or killed its POC characters, failed to give any positive lgbtq+ representation, destroyed the “found family” trope by saying that only the blood relatives matter and so on... what do you think and hope it and Dean and Sam’s legacy is?

Why do you feel it’s okay to keep trying to make Cas’ canon romantic confession open to interpretation? Considering you say you’re allies & doing so is erasure of queer narratives, I’m curious as to why you made that choice. (source)

What was the point of quote “family don’t end in blood” and calling fandom a SPN “family”, when the show ended up saying that it’s always been about two blood-related codependent brothers only?

JENSEN / MISHA

We know that the CW netwrok conducted a market research back in 2016 on whether or not they should go full, on-screen, reciprocated Destiel. If they had decided to move forward with that story line, how do you think it would have been done? How do you think the story would have played out? (source)

Who would be the big and little spoon? (source)

Ignore Jensen and ask Misha “Since Dean didn’t even look for Cas in heaven and didn’t reciprocate anyways. Do you think there’s a chance Cas will move on with Mick Davies?” (source)

Ignore Jensen again lol and just spend a few minutes telling Misha how grateful you are for his LGBTQ+ support throughout the years and for fighting for LGBTQ+ representation.

SIGNING / PHOTO OPS

Give Jared a fanart picture of a Destiel sex/kissing scene to sign.

Wear a t-shirt with “Et tu, Brute, what a truly awful thing you’ve done. #Bravo you coward” tweet on it to jpad photo ops. Or have him sign a photocopy of that tweet.

Wear this costume to jpad panel.

Wear this t-shirt to a Jensen and/or Misha photo-op or get it signed.

Have J2/Jpad sign this picture.

Ask OP/artist’s permission to use their posts/art !!

BUT WHAT IF

If you ask Jensen a destiel question and he’s rude about it?

Just start crying, like full on blubbering (credit)

Straight out ask him if he doesn’t like Destiel because he’s homophobic?

Some of the Supernatural fans get mad me and some of the actors get uncomfortable or annoyed at my questions? :((

Well, first of all who cares what they think? You are paying to be there, so you have a right to be there just like anyone else. You are paying the actors!! If they get uncomfy with some questions - that’s a they problem. If worse comes to worse - what they can do? Fire you? You don’t work for them. Ban you from further cons - would you even want to go? I mean the shows over and idk why some people still pay hundreds of $$$ to go there and hear FOR THE 35th TIME what some actor’s fav episode was. 

They’re screening the questions/Destiel questions aren’t allowed?

Write down some stupid question like “What’s you fav type of pie?”

Give it the staff who’s screening the questions.

When it’s your turn to ask, just ask your real question.

Preferably pick as short question, so you can say it quickly before they try to stop you.

OR if they try to stop you ask into the mircophone “Are LGBTQ+ questions not allowed?”, so that everyone can hear it (just like this lady here did it in the previous con). They are less likely to stop you if you all out their homophobia publicly. 

If they try to harass you about it afterwards pretend that you don’t understand English very well and/or that you just changed your mind about the question and didn’t know it was not allowed. Speak with the fake accent the whole time to make it more believable (works like a charm every time).

Jared decides to interrupt a question that’s not for him/about him/his character?

Tell him or shout (if they don’t let you use the mic) “Jared, please, this question is not for or about you.”

J2/bibro/w*nc*sties keep hogging the question line?

Pretend to be one of them. Befriend them. Come up with some really good j2 questions and tell them that’s what you want to ask so they let you in line and then when you get the mic you just ask the real questions. (source)

[writingwithcolor]

Jurassic period alien interacting with key cultures and historical figures in Middle East & Asia throughout history

@ketchupmaster400​ said:

Hello, so my question is for a character I’ve been working on for quite a while but wasn’t sure about a few things. So basically at the beginning of the universe there was this for less being made up of dark matter and dark energy. Long story short it ends up on earth during the Jurassic Period. It has the ability to adapt and assimilate into other life animals except it’s hair is always black and it’s skin is always white and it’s eyes are always red. It lives like this going from animal to animal until it finally becomes human and gains true sentience and self awareness. As a human it lives within the Middle East and Asia wondering around trying to figure out its purpose and meaning. So what I initially wanted to do with it was have small interactions with the dark matter human and other native humans that kinda helped push humanity into the direction it is now. For example, Mehndhi came about when the dark matter human was drawing on their skin because it felt insecure about having such white skin compared to other people. And ancient Indians saw it and thought it was cool so they adopted it and developed it into Mehndi. Minor and small interactions though early history leading to grander events. Like they would be protecting Jerusalem and it’s people agains the Crusaders later on. I also had the idea of the the dark matter human later on interacting with the prophets Jesus Christ and Muhammad. With Jesus they couldn’t understand why he would sacrifice himself even though the people weren’t deserving. And then Jesus taught them that you have to put other before yourself and protecting people is life’s greatest reward. And then with the prophet Muhammad, I had the idea that their interaction was a simple conversation that mirrors the one he had with the angel Jibril, that lead to the principles of Islam. Now with these ideas I understand the great importance of how not to convey Islam and I’ve been doing reasearch, but I am white and I can understand how that may look trying to write about a different religion than my own. So I guess ultimate my question is, is this ok to do? Is it ok to have an alien creature interact with religious people and historical events as important as they were? Like I said I would try to be as accurate and as respectable as possible but I know that Islam can be a touchy subject and the last thing I would want is to disrespect anyone. The main reason I wanted the dark matter being in the Middle East was because I wanted to do something different because so much has been done with European and American stuff I wanted to explore the eastern side of the world because it’s very beau and very rich with so many cultures that I want to try and represent. I’m sorry for the long post but I wanted you guys to fully understand what my idea was. Thank you for your time and hope you stay safe.

Disclaimer:

The consensus from the moderators was that the proposed character and story is disrespectful from multiple cultural perspectives. However, we can’t ignore the reality that this is a commonly deployed trope in many popular science fiction/ thriller narratives. Stories that seek to take religious descriptions of events at face value from an areligious perspective particularly favor this approach. Thus, we have two responses:

Where we explain why we don’t believe this should be attempted.

Where we accept the possibility of our advice being ignored.

1) No - Why You Shouldn’t Do This:

Hi! I’ll give you the short answer first, and then the extended one.

Short answer: no, this is not okay.

Extended answer. I’ll divide it into three parts.

1) Prophet Muhammad as a character:

Almost every aspect of Islam, particularly Allah (and the Qur’an), the Prophet(s) and the companions at the time of Muhammad ﷺ, are strictly kept within the boundaries of real life/reality. I’ll assume this comes from a good place, and I can understand that from one side, but seriously, just avoid it. It is extremely disrespectful and something that is not even up to debate for Muslims to do, let alone for non-Muslims. Using Prophet Muhammad as a character will only bring you problems. There is no issue with mentioning the Prophet during his lifetime when talking about his attributes, personality, sayings or teachings, but in no way, we introduce fictional aspects in a domain that Muslims worked, and still work, hard to keep free from any doubtful event or incident. Let’s call it a closed period: we don’t add anything that was not actually there.

Reiterating then, don’t do this. There is a good reason why Muslims don’t have any pictures of Prophet Muhammad. We know nothing besides what history conveyed from him. 

After this being said, there is another factor you missed – Jesus is also an important figure in Islam and his story from the Islamic perspective differs (a lot) from that of the Christian perspective. And given what you said in your ask, you would be taking the Christian narrative of Jesus. If it was okay to use Prophet Muhammad as a character (reminder: it’s not) and you have had your dark matter human interacting with the biblical Jesus, it will result in a complete mess; you would be conflating two religions.

2) Crusaders and Jerusalem:

You said this dark matter human will be defending Jerusalem against the Crusaders. At first, there is really no problem with this. However, ask yourself: is this interaction a result of your character meeting with both Jesus and Prophet Muhammed? If yes, please refer to the previous point. If not, or even if you just want to maintain this part of the story, your dark matter human can interact with the important historical figures of the time. For example, if you want a Muslim in your story, you can use Salah-Ad-Din Al-Ayoubi (Saladin in the latinized version) that took back Jerusalem during the Third Crusade. Particularly, this crusade has plenty of potential characters. 

Also, featuring Muslim characters post Prophet Muhammad and his companions’ time, is completely fine, just do a thorough research.

 3) Middle Eastern/South Asian settings and Orientalism:

The last point I want to remark is with the setting you chose for your story. Many times, when we explore the SWANA or South Asian regions it’s done through an orientalist lens. Nobody is really safe from falling into orientalism, not even the people from those regions. My suggestion is educating yourself in what orientalism is and how it’s still prevalent in today’s narrative. Research orientalism in entertainment, history... and every other area you can think of. Edward Said coined this term for the first time in history, so he is a good start. There are multiple articles online that touch this subject too. For further information, I defer to middle eastern mods. 

- Asmaa

Racism and Pseudo-Archaeology:

A gigantic, unequivocal and absolute no to all of it, lmao. 

I will stick to the bit about the proposed origin of mehendi in your WIP, it’s the arc I feel I’m qualified to speak on, Asmaa has pretty much touched upon the religious and orientalism complications. 

Let me throw out one more word: pseudoarchaeology. That is, taking the cultural/spiritual/historical legacies of ancient civilizations, primarily when it involves people of colour, and crediting said legacies to be the handiwork of not just your average Outsider/White Saviour but aliens. I’ll need you to think carefully about this: why is it that in so much of media and literature pertaining to the so-called “conspiracy theories” dealing with any kind of extraterrestrial life, it’s always Non-Western civilizations like the Aztec, the ancient Egyptians, the Harappans etc who are targeted? Why is it that the achievements of the non West are so unbelievable that it’s more feasible to construct an idea of non-human, magical beings from another planet who just conveniently swooped in to build our monuments and teach us how to dress and what to believe in? If the answer makes you uncomfortable, it’s because it should: denying the Non-West agency of their own feats is not an innocent exercise in sci-fi worldbuilding, it comes loaded with implications of racial superiority and condescension towards the intellect and prowess of Non-European cultures. 

Now, turning to specifics:

Contrary to what Sarah J. Maas might believe- mehendi designs are neither mundane, purely aesthetic tattoos nor can they be co-opted by random Western fantasy characters. While henna has existed as an art form in various cultures, I’m limiting my answer to the Indian context, (specifying since you mention ancient India). Mehendi is considered one of the tenets of the Solah Shringar- sixteen ceremonial adornments for Hindu brides, one for each phase of the moon, as sanctioned by the Vedic texts. The shade of the mehendi is a signifier for the strength of the matrimonial bond: the darker the former, the stronger the latter. Each of the adornments carries significant cosmological/religious symbolism for Hindus. To put it bluntly, when you claim this to be an invention of the aliens, you are basically taking a very sacred cultural and artistic motif of our religion and going “Well actually….extraterrestrials taught them all this.”

In terms of Ayurveda (Traditional holistic South Asian medicine)  , mehendi was used for its medicinal properties. It works as a cooling agent on the skin and helps to alleviate stress, particularly for the bride-to-be. Not really nice to think that aliens lent us the secrets of Ayurvedic science (pseudoarchaeology all over again). 

I’m just not feeling this arc at all. The closest possible alternative I could see to this is the ancient Indian characters incorporating some specific stylistic motifs in their mehendi in acknowledgement to this entity, in the same vein of characters incorporating motifs of tribute into their armour or house insignia, but even so, I’m not sure how well that would play out. If you do go ahead with this idea, I cannot affirm that it will not receive backlash.

-Mimi

These articles might help:

 Pseudoarchaeology and the Racism Behind Ancient Aliens

A History of Indian Henna (this studies mehendi origins mostly with reference to Mughal history)

Solah Shringar

2) Not Yes, But If Ignoring the Above:

I will be the dissenting voice of “Not No, But Here Are The Big Caveats.” Given that there is no way to make the story you want to tell palatable to certain interpretations of Islam and Christianity, here is my advice if the above arguments did not sufficiently deter you.

1. Admiration ≠ Research: It is not enough to just admire cultures for their richness and beauty. You need to actually do the research and learn about them to determine if the story you want to tell is a good fit for the values and principles these cultures prioritize. You need to understand the significance of historical figures and events to understand the issues with attributing the genesis of certain cultural accomplishments to an otherworldly influence. 1.

2. Give Less Offense When Possible and Think Empathetically: You should try to imagine the mindsets of those you will offend and think about to what degree you can soften or ameliorate certain aspects of your plot, the creature’s characteristics, and the creature’s interactions with historical figures to make your narrative more compatible. There is no point pretending that much of areligious science fiction is incompatible with monotheist, particularly non-henotheistic, religious interpretations as well as the cultural items and rituals derived from those religious interpretations. One can’t take “There is no god, just a lonely alien” and make that compatible with “There is god, and only in this particular circumstance.” Thus:

As stated above by Asmaa and Mimi, there is no escaping the reality the story you propose is offensive to some. Expect their outcry to be directed towards you. Can you tolerate that?

Think about how you would feel if someone made a story where key components of your interpretation of reality are singled out as false. How does this make you feel? Are you comfortable doing that to others?

3. Is Pseudoarchaeology Appropriate Here?: Mimi makes a good point about the racial biases of pseudoarchaeology. Pseudoarchaeology is a particular weakness of Western-centric atheist sci-fi. Your proposed story is the equivalent of a vaguely non-descript Maya/Aztec/Egyptian pyramid or Hindu/ Buddhist-esque statue being the source for a Resident Evil bio weapon/ Predator nest/ Assassin’s Creed Isu relic.

Is this how you wish to draw attention to these cultures you admire? While there is no denying their ubiquity in pop-culture, such plots trivialize broad swathes of non-white history and diminish the accomplishments of associated ethnic groups. The series listed above all lean heavily into these tropes either because the authors couldn’t bother to figure out something more creative or because they are intentionally telling a story the audience isn’t supposed to take seriously.*

More importantly, I detect a lot of sincerity in your ask, so I imagine such trivialization runs counter to your expressed desire to depict Eastern cultures in a positive and accurate manner.

4. Freedom to Write ≠ Freedom from Consequence: Once again, as a reminder, it’s not our job to reassure you as to whether or not what you are proposing is ok. Asmaa and Mimi have put a lot of effort into explaining who you will offend and why.  We are here to provide context, but the person who bears the ultimate responsibility for how you choose to shape this narrative, particularly if you share this story with a wide audience, is you. Speaking as one writer to another, I personally do not have a strong opinion one way or the other, but I think it is important to be face reality head-on.

- Marika.

* This is likely why the AC series always includes that disclaimer stating the games are a product of a multicultural, inter-religious team and why they undermine Western cultures and Western religious interpretations as often (if not moreso) than those for their non-Western counterparts.

Note: Most WWC asks see ~ 5 hours of work from moderators before they go live. Even then, this ask took an unusually long amount of time in terms of research, emotional labor and discussion. If you found this ask (and others) useful, please consider tipping the moderators (link here), Asmaa (coming eventually) and Mimi (here). I also like money - Marika.

[shihalyfie]

Daisuke and Ken’s dynamic, and what Ken does for Daisuke in return

Everyone in the main 02 cast can be said to be a little surface-deceptive in some way, and so, even with Daisuke and Ken as the relationship at the forefront of 02′s story, there’s still more going on behind it than first glance would initially make you suspect. It’s all too easy to just take the surface reading and decide that Daisuke is some kind of saint whom Ken is singularly dependent on for his happiness (which would really be quite the unhealthy relationship), or, worse, shove them into the stereotypical BL tropes just because they’re the two at the front, even though the story practically went out of its way to depict them as unusual characters who don’t fit into those kinds of boxes as easily.

Even though it wasn’t stated outright in words, Ken did a lot for Daisuke in return, and there’s a lot of layers to their relationship to each other both in the series and in going forward after it.

What Daisuke does for Ken

That Daisuke and Ken have very “complementary” personalities goes without saying, but this applies to both their surface demeanors and what lies beneath them. Daisuke has an abrasive surface demeanor and a tendency to get defensive, but isn’t actually very assertive at all; on the other hand, Ken is more polite and ostensibly “soft”, but is significantly more assertive than Daisuke is. This also means that, while it would of course be foolhardy to pretend that Ken could easily shrug off all of his trauma, it’s also conversely reductive to shove the two of them into boxes where Ken is a constant crybaby angsting over everything bad that’s happened to him while Daisuke’s the only ray of sunshine who can get him out of it. A lot of Ken’s strength in the series is self-supplied; he of course does end up needing the others’ support at times, but extreme readings like this really don’t give the kid enough credit for how good he is at gritting his teeth and pushing on without anyone prompting him.

The initial problem, however, is that Ken is too assertive about the wrong things at first. Like, say, in 02 episode 26, when he assertively says that he’s going to...recklessly chuck himself into an exploding reactor! For the third quarter of the series, Ken deliberately tries to keep his distance from others, and is very clear and open about his reasons why: in his mind, it’s his responsibility, and the others shouldn’t have to be involved. He doesn’t want their friendship, he doesn’t even think he deserves their friendship, and here’s Daisuke going “okay, yeah, but that’s stupid, shut up and let us help you.”

Adventure and 02 have a strong thread of driving it home that “doing things on sheer principle eventually becomes pointless when it gets in the way of being practical” -- and Daisuke, being a simple-minded and “straightforward” person who doesn’t overthink things, is basically there to keep Ken’s focus back on the proper picture. Because yeah, Ken can attempt to do things like frame things in terms of whether he “deserves” all of this, or “whose responsibility” this all is -- but the fact of the matter is that Daisuke and his friends want to do something and help instead of being sitting ducks about it, Ken’s practically not going to be able to do this alone, and, well, that’s the base of their first Jogress in 02 episode 26! Ken says outright that his goal is to do something to help, but then decides that “helping” should involve suicidally chucking himself into an exploding reactor, and Daisuke, hearing out Ken’s troubles, reminds him that him dying there won’t actually help the way Ken wants to help, because it won’t leave him alive to do all of the other things he wants to do and will hurt his family even more just when he was starting to repair things with them -- and as much as this extremely suicidal plan might temporarily spare the others from dying in an explosion, Daisuke would have to live with the guilt of letting Ken go off to die like that, so it won’t make him happy either.

So in other words, while Ken’s trying to sort out his complicated feelings of guilt, shame, and sense of responsibility, Daisuke’s there to keep his head on straight and remind him when he’s about to run himself in mental circles. Ken would have easily spent the rest of the series trying to make up for what he did even without Daisuke’s help, because he’s such a strong believer in “the right thing to do”, but his way of going on about it would have involved him staying in isolation out of a perceived sense of responsibility, endangering himself out of a sense of self-sacrifice, drowning himself in self-blame and feelings of regret, and, eventually, not addressing the very gaping hole in his life that he very much needs emotional support from others right now.

One thing particularly interesting about the Japanese version of 02 is that, for nearly the entirety of the second half of the series, Ken only refers to Daisuke as “Motomiya”, which is surprising given the fact that he employs given-name basis with the others quite quickly. Ken eventually does commit to “Daisuke” after the series in almost all post-02 material, and this image fits the two so well that pretty much every doujinshi artist has caught onto it despite it not being there all that much in the actual series, but it really took him a while; what gives? (Daisuke himself committed to “Ken” from surname basis “Ichijouji” starting in 02 episode 39.) Well, the important distinction is that Ken dropped the honorific with him from very early on -- meaning that he did want to approach Daisuke with a little bit of casual bluntness in a way beyond the distant respect he treated the others with, but at the time, going straight to buddy-buddy on given name with no honorific at all would have been a bit too much for him, and it comes off as him almost deliberately giving off a sense of distance. Why?

Ken didn’t have too much of an opinion on each individual kid in the group until 02 episode 8, when he developed a particular hatred for Daisuke for “ruining his pride” and decided to emotionally torture him a bit. Then, come 02 episode 25, this same kid approached him with no sense of grudge whatsoever, and presents him with a completely different way of seeing things: “whatever you did in the past, you’re clearly trying to help now, which means we’re now on the same side, so we should work together.” It’s pragmatic; it’s extremely pragmatic, and it’s not like Daisuke was working off of blind optimism and trust as much as he observed, very practically, that Ken was clearly trying to do better now and that therefore they should work together and make use of it. This kind of thought pattern is completely alien to Ken’s “I deserve/don’t deserve this” mentality at this point of this series, and by all standards of his own logic Daisuke should be one of the people who hates him the most, and yet -- nope!

By the time of their Jogress, Ken of course understands that Daisuke’s trying very hard to communicate with him, and thus they develop a sort of rapport -- but they’re not quite friends yet at the level of truly being “comfortable” with each other, because most of the second half of the series involved circumstances where Daisuke was helping Ken through a very emotionally hard time. It’s only at the point of the Christmas party in 02 episode 38 when Ken can really think about having these kids as real friends in terms of socializing and not just people who are willing to work with him in his penance journey. It’s enough that Ken’s able to admit that he wants the help of Daisuke in 02 episode 44, when beforehand he’d been trying to keep everyone out of what he’d perceived as his business. And, as Ken’s slowly more exposed to Daisuke’s way of life and its influence on the rest of the group around him, he comes to understand that maybe having a “close friend who can support him” isn’t that bad after all, since it’s not like these friends are just being “open-minded” towards him; they really are there to support him and his actual feelings and welfare, not just “cutting him slack” because he’s helping.

And so, with that, once the crisis is resolved and all is said and done, Ken finally truly accepts Daisuke as his friend and moves him up to given-name basis (no honorific!). This is most prominently shown in Diablomon Strikes Back, where their interactions are now removed from the question of Ken’s former actions and his emotional problems, and it turns out, they’re still good friends in the sense that friends are. As in, people who laugh together, hang out together, converse with each other casually; even if they are working together on the same thing for the duration of the movie, it’s not such an emotionally tense situation that you could chalk their interactions up to sheer necessity. With Daisuke’s help, Ken was able to move on from all of his past hangups, and the two of them became able to enjoy the moment of “now” like normal children.

What Ken does for Daisuke

Daisuke may be simple-minded enough to not have deep-seated concerns that eat at him every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a bit socially maladjusted during the early parts of the series. Namely, being really insecure and prone to getting defensive whenever he felt he was being made fun of. Those kinds of things were what was most likely to get Daisuke to “lash out” at others, because he slips into his worst bouts of these whenever he’s lacking in validation.

Daisuke was, undoubtedly, improving over the course of the series, with him slowly starting to become more assertive by the time of 02 episode 20. It’s incorrect to say that Ken was the only person who could truly help him with this; 02 is a series about a group dynamic after all (even if the Jogress pairs are the most instrumental in helping each other), and it would be a pretty unhealthy relationship if one person were so dependent on another to even remotely function. But starting in 02 episode 22, when the crisis is momentarily resolved and everyone’s not sure what to do, Daisuke’s feeling of being third wheeled by Takeru and Hikari shoots up right at the moment everyone’s feeling a bit lacking in purpose. Two episodes later, Miyako immediately stages an intervention to help keep his mind off of things, and she’s arguably even the most comfortable with him at this point in time.

It’s not that Daisuke isn’t improving, nor that his friends aren’t trying to help, but, well...emotionally sensitive as Miyako can be, she’s also a bit all over the place herself and sometimes needs restraining; Hikari may be assertive, but she’s pretty obviously apprehensive about shutting Daisuke down too bluntly, and Takeru being so hard to read and evasive about everything means that Daisuke can’t really tell what he’s thinking or understand his intentions; Iori is younger and is restraining himself, so he still won’t cross certain lines with Daisuke. So as you can see, they’re all doing their best, and they’re not doing a terrible job of it either; hell, the rest of the series involves them maturing into people who can better interact with and support each other, so their own relationships with Daisuke are likely to improve even well after the series ends. It’s just that, especially at this point in the series, there’s definitely room for an extra person to fill a certain niche that’s got a gaping void here, begging for someone who’s assertive and put-together enough to regularly keep Daisuke in check, yet also willing to be properly straightforward with him to the extent that he doesn’t have to feel insecure about their intentions. Hmm, who could that be?

Although “the priority of reaching out to Ken” eventually becomes enough of a distraction that it certainly takes Daisuke’s mind off potentially feeling insecure, as we start to see more “casual” interactions between Daisuke and Ken, we see that Ken actually fills in a lot of the gaps that had been so sorely missing in this group dynamic for a while. Forward-thinking as he is, Daisuke’s simple-minded way of going at things has its drawbacks in that he’s not very smart or good at thinking, but Ken is the opposite, being intellectually analytical and much more thoughtful overall, and since Daisuke is the kind of person who defers to others when they’re better than him at something, Ken being right next to him means that he can give him a hand in making important decisions he can’t by himself. This is especially so in Diablomon Strikes Back, when Ken’s role is largely keeping an eye on Daisuke and making sure he’s not a loose cannon -- something he’s very capable of doing -- but also simply being there as a springboard whom Daisuke can comfortably approach and talk to, since Ken is such a mild-mannered, straightforward person who won’t set off his overly defensive tendencies as easily.

That doesn’t mean that Ken is completely above teasing him, of course -- a lot of post-02 material in fact makes sure you understand that he’s not just some soft-hearted saint and can be quite the snarker when he wants, since his increased comfort level with Daisuke means he’s now able to poke at him here and there, even doing something as mean as dumping all of the Christmas shopping on him (the character songs and other related in-character material lie in questionably canonical territory, but that kind of punchline is not unreasonable to imagine given their respective personalities). But, overall, he sets the right tone for Daisuke to have a friend he’s able to be around regularly and receive support from, and to fill in that niche of his casual interactions so that Daisuke can have some more solid grounding in his life.

It’s also a testament to how much Ken himself had changed in terms of becoming the kind of person who could handle Daisuke like this. When the two of them first “met” in 02 episode 8, while Ken was still fully under the influence of the Dark Seed, even if we were to put the part about him being the Kaiser aside, this sort of person would never be able to become a good friend to Daisuke. This episode had Daisuke put him on a pedestal -- someone he’ll never be able to be as good as, whom he looks up to as an “idol”, much like the way Daisuke has a tendency to instinctively put himself down in uplifting others. Thus, it was a negative relationship for both of them; Ken being put on a pedestal that ultimately made him uncomfortable, and Daisuke contributing to putting him there in the first place, and taking it extra personally when that pedestal was shattered. But then, Daisuke himself (and, ultimately, the rest of the group) became able to treat Ken like the “normal person” he wanted to be, with no pedestals, simply considering him as a friend with his own feelings and needs; as a result, being this sort of “normal person” making friends through his true personality and desire to support others meant paved the way for him becoming the one person who was best equipped to deal with the very difficult-to-handle Daisuke.

Incidentally, in terms of Kizuna: considering how 02 was such a series about everyone becoming people who could fundamentally interact and communicate better with others, it stands to reason that everyone’s relationships with each other would uniformly improve even after the events of 02, and you can see better interactions between everyone that go beyond just the Jogress pairs. Ken’s clearly able to interact with more of the people in the group in a much more casual manner than he did in 02 itself, and it’s made an important point in the drama CD that Daisuke took everyone’s incidental advice to heart, not just Ken’s. However, advertising material still prominently features the two as a pair, and although part of this is of course due to marketing, Ken is also the one who gets the final words in extracting his “promise” from Daisuke in the drama CD; the official website also calls special attention to him being the one to accompany Daisuke on his ramen outings, even though the one depicted in the drama CD and movie was planned to involve everyone in the group. There are multiple indications that Daisuke himself has learned to become somewhat less defensive and prone to insecurity compared to himself in 02, and it seems that this was accomplished via Ken still actively putting himself in a role of checking on him and making sure he feels properly supported in all of this.

[kaizokuou-ni-naru]

The Voyage So Far: Dressrosa (Part Two)

east blue (1 | 2) || alabasta (1 | 2) || skypiea || water 7 || enies lobby || thriller bark || paramount war (1 | 2) || fishman island || punk hazard || dressrosa (1 | 2) || || whole cake island || wano (1 | 2)

wild how this is upwards of 750 chapters in and yet i still get a big dumb smile whenever luffy declares he’s going to be king of the pirates. one piece is a series very much driven by its main characters and their goals and dreams- i don’t think it would be nearly as good if the main character was anyone but monkey d. luffy. 

personally, i always just feel kind of proud whenever he says this, because- yeah!! he is!! that’s luffy, he’s going to be king of the pirates, and we’ve known that since day fucking one. 

i really think there’s something to be said about usopp never taking credit for saving luffy and law from sugar. it’s arguably his greatest feat in the entire series thus far- an impossible, perfect shot across an entire country, with an angry mob inches from his back- and he never even tells anybody he did it. he’s come a long way from someone who tells tall tales about heroic acts he never did to someone who doesn’t even feel the need to take credit for ones he really did, so long as his friends are safe.

i really like how corazon’s introduction and characterization throughout the flashback is handled. at the start of law’s flashback, we know a few things about him already: that he’s someone law loved very much, and that he was killed by doflamingo. we know how this ends. 

but then cora is introduced as a clumsy mute weirdo who nearly kills law as one of the very first things he does, and we as the audience aren’t really sure how to reconcile that- and then the rest of the flashback is us, along with law, slowly discovering what a complicated and contradictory but ultimately good person he is. something very similar happens with the asl flashback- we know the endpoint of luffy and ace’s relationship, but the flashback is all about how they got there, from attempted murder to willing self-sacrifice. 

i think it’s really cool the way law and doflamingo’s backstories are layered together. they’re characters who exist with a lot of parallels and similarities between them already, which is something they’re both clearly aware of- i’ve mentioned before i think the only real difference between them is that law got corazon where doflamingo got the executives- and presenting their backstories simultaneously only makes that more obvious. 

i’ve always found it so interesting that we get what’s pretty much our only substantial exposition about the will of d direct from a former celestial dragon. it makes sense- cora’s basically the only character we’ve met who both has this information and is willing to share it-  but i don’t know, there’s something that feels very poetic to me about him having this information that’s clearly been suppressed and hidden by the dragons and willingly choosing to share it in order to help protect law, a D, who should technically be the very enemy he was once taught to hate and fear. 

i really like corazon. 

it fucks me up that we can tell the exact moment cora dies from the moment law starts making noise again. 

this might be a controversial take? i’m not sure. but i like baby five. i think her and sai’s relationship is really sweet, and people might complain about her getting off easy or whatever but i’m honestly glad she gets a happy ending after being thoroughly emotionally abused and broken her entire life. and on a lighter note, she’s also just a fun character to watch through the whole arc- the running gag with her crying whenever law glares at her is still one of my favorites in the whole series. 

the shot of robin’s bloody back is a favorite of mine, because it’s a reveal that doesn’t get lingered on at all, and yet at once it gives the entire proceeding scene a lot more weight when we understand just how much pain she must’ve been in the entire time. and yet she never even flinched or faltered while protecting rebecca. nico robin is very, very strong. 

there’s something so deliciously fitting about diamante’s final fall ending with him cracking his head on scarlett’s grave, and something so lovely about kyros and rebecca finally getting their proper reunion there, when neither of them ever really got a chance to mourn.

law’s line about the strawhats trailing nothing but miracles in their wake is one of the first ones i always think of when i think about the strawhats in general and luffy in particular, mostly because it’s so true. from the very beginning, the strawhats have been doing the impossible, from sailing to the sky to breaking in and out of the world’s greatest prison, and law saw that and staked all his hopes on it and they did not let him down. 

also i think it’s very cool of law to, when held at gunpoint and down an arm, grin, flip doflamingo off, and tell him to eat shit and that luffy is going to kick his ass. love that for him.

i think dressrosa does a very good job of making the victory against doflamingo equally law’s and luffy’s. they cooperate and trade off fighting him throughout the arc to great effect, and i think it’s pretty clear that neither of them could have tackled the massive challenge of dressrosa alone. 

while the final fight is luffy’s, it’s made clear that that’s only after law’s done absolutely everything he could and spent the majority of the arc distracting doflamingo, keeping him occupied, and even fucking shredding his insides with pure radiation before finally needing to tap out. i think it’s a good balance, given that luffy is the protagonist but law’s grudge against doflamingo is the driving force behind the entire arc. 

conqueror’s haki clashes are always very cool, pretty much regardless of who or where or why, but the one between luffy and doflamingo is a favorite. 

one of the things that’s always impressed me about one piece in comparison to other shounen series is how it handles its powerscaling- in that it does it well with a gradual increase and villains who vary widely in strength instead of every arc necessarily needing to be bigger and better than the last- and i think the way it handles powering up the main characters is a big part of that. 

through the entirety of one piece thus far, i’d say luffy has had three major power-ups- second and third gear in enies lobby, haki at the timeskip, and gear four here in dressrosa (an argument could also be made for ryuuou in wano, but i think that’s less major than these others). this helps prevent runaway powerscaling and also makes new power-ups feel like a genuine event, which i really like. 

i once referred to luffy as ‘hopebringer’ in a conversation with friends, and it’s a descriptor for him i think sums up really well how he manages to save so many people while insistently not being a hero. luffy inspires people, inspires whole countries, starting all the way back with coby in romance dawn. it’s one of the reasons i think it’s fitting how thoroughly he’s associated with the dawn. 

doflamingo is very, very scary. which is interesting, because he’s indisputably less powerful someone like kaidou, but at the same time i find him a much scarier villain, and i think it comes down to doflamingo’s gleeful, wanton cruelty. not that kaidou is in any way shape or form a nice person, but our first introduction to doflamingo is him forcing marines to attack each other just because he’s a little bored. he hurts people just because he can, and finds it funny. 

relating to my earlier comment about hope, i really like how the whole country comes together at the end to cheer luffy on and count down to his return. it makes it feel all the more triumphant when it does, especially for the citizens of dressrosa who’ve been suffocating under doflamingo’s rule for years and can finally, finally see freedom.

other people have put a lot more thought of the symbolism of doflamingo’s eyes and glasses than i intend to, but i’ll settle for saying that it’s the breaking of the glasses, before anything else, before the birdcage even vanishes from the sky and everyone is safe, that shows us that, at long last, doflamingo is well and truly defeated. his glasses break, and so does his power. 

i’ve written a longer post about it before (here) but it’s a recurring motif that one piece’s worst villains are those that steal people’s freedom, including, in the cruelest cases, the freedom to express their emotions openly. we see it with koala and the celestial dragons, with the failed smile fruits in wano, and here, too, with kyros. and, much like koala, triumph for him means finally being able to cry. 

i mentioned it back in the first post, but i’m so, so happy rebecca and kyros get the happy ending they deserve. they’ve both been fighting a war that they never should have had to for years and years, and they both deserve to get to just live, now, peaceful and quiet and together and surrounded by flowers. 

i really dig the note dressrosa ends on. it’s happy, of course, obviously, with the liberation of the country, kyros and rebecca’s happy ending, the creation of the grand fleet, even law getting some degree of closure through his talk with sengoku, but it also leaves this massive, gaping question- what now? 

in a way, doflamingo’s speech here follows up on law’s new era speech from punk hazard. luffy and law have just thrown a major wrench into the delicate power equilibrium of the entire new world, and we have all these characters out there who might be affected, who might want to take advantage, who might try to seize the throne. 

[recurring-polynya]

Your thoughts and headcannons on Nemuri Hachigou because I don't think she gets talked about enough, when in reality she's pretty interesting, she's essentially, a blank slate, Mayuri's second chance that I don't think he feels like he deserves. She's Nemu but she isn't and I think people(especially Mayuri) forget that a lot, that's a fascinating position to be in.

Puttin’ this under a cut because I’m gonna say some unkind things about Mayuri and I do not want to cause any distress to the many lovely people on this website who delight in his horrible antics.

This is not so much a headcanon so much as a thing I came up with for fanfiction purposes, but it’s all I got.

Right. So, like I said, I despise Mayuri. I just hate him. I understand that he appeals to some people, but I strongly dislike the dude and go to exorbitant lengths to avoid him ever appearing in my fanfic.

Additionally, I do not vibe with Nemu 7. She registers as not-a-person for me, she’s basically an extension of Mayuri himself. Don’t get me wrong, I find Mayuri’s treatment of her to be vile and I wish someone would take her away from him, but she comes off as very robotic to me. She is conscious, but she is not an independent being, if that makes sense. She is not a real girl. It’s funny that Mayuri keeps talking about how advanced she is, because clearly he means only her cognitive and fighting abilities. In terms of recreating a person, she’s incredibly primitive compared to the other mod souls we see. Take Kon, for example, who has a fairly limited powerset, but is never presented as less of a soul than any of the other characters. An even more interesting example is Ururu and Jinta. Ururu is described as being older than Jinta, and she is clearly “less human” than him-- she has less affect, she shifts into a distinct “attack” mode, etc, which implies that Jinta represents advances in mod soul technology. It’s notable that Urahara and Tessai and even Renji, in the canon scene where he protects the Shouten kids, never treats them as anything less than people. The contrast with the way Mayuri treats Nemu is stark. He likes that her feelings and personality are limited, he sees this as a feature.

I was completely unmoved by the entire chapter where Nemu died. Her sacrifice did not come across to me as anything indicating growth or humanity-- in every battle she's ever been in, she nearly dies because Kurotsuchi tells her to. She simply prioritizes Mayuri over herself. She always has. It’s simply the logical extension of her programming. A lot of people say they would have preferred Nemu to live and Mayuri to die and for sure I would have *preferred* that, but I have never seen Nemu as enough of a character to be worth rooting for. Like, at least Uryuu would have gotten some satisfaction form killing his clown ass, and that might have convinced me for at least half a second that he actually was on the side of the Quincy.

Caveat: if some talented fanficcer wants to write a short novel on Nemu discovering her humanity etc etc, I’m all for it, I’m just saying that canon hasn’t given us anything to suggest she would do more than just shut down without Mayuri to tell her what to do.

Onto Nemuri 8. I can’t believe they let Mayuri have another one. It makes my blood boil. The dude is an on-screen abuser and Kubo had the gall to try to make me feel sorry feel him (I did not) and then gave him another one.

So, I took her away from him.

I mentioned earlier that I go to great lengths to keep Mayuri the hell out of my fanfic, and usually the way I do that is to have my characters go through Akon whenever they have to deal with Squad 12. I think I started doing this because Akon is sort of weirdly familiar with Renji and Rukia in the TYBW, but I have projected all over him and he’s mine now. The way I assume Squad 12 functions, based on my career in scientific programming, is that Mayuri is like a primary investigator-- he's the Big Ideas guy and he spends a lot of time doing wholly self-directed research. He’s the face of Squad 12, so he has to go talk to the Captain-Commander and beg for money and defend blowing things up, but when it comes to science stuff, he does what he wants. Nemu is the lieutenant, and I think she handles most of the usual lieutenanting-- paperwork, meetings, etc., but I think Mayuri takes up a lot of her time by using her as a personal lab assistant on his wacky projects. There's nothing wrong with this, but I think in a lot of squads, the lieutenant is responsible for the day-to-day running of the squad and spends a lot of time dealing with their subordinates and other lieutenants. Nemu, instead, focuses on her captain. Now, the rest of the Gotei counts on Squad 12 for a lot actually-- gigai, Hollow tracking, Dangai monitoring, etc. etc. From the point of view of most science people, this stuff is mundane-- it’s all application, not development, and all the difficulty is in the twitchy little details. It’s frustrating and it’s unrewarding and you never get credit for it, and it is vitally important. There is a certain kind of science professional that makes a career out of this. They usually have master's degrees instead of PhDs, and they are usually tragically underpaid and underappreciated for what they do. In the real world, without these people, you wouldn’t have mass vaccination sites or weather data on your phone or cute li’l robots landing on other planets. In Bleach, these are the people keeping soul reapers alive in the field. And in my mind, this is Akon’s department.

So here’s the headcanon:

After Nemu’s death, Mayuri has so much sad clown pain about it that he wants another robot child poste-haste, but can’t bring himself to do the actual work, so he shoves it off onto Akon, with a list of the design specs he wants. The last one was pretty good, Akon can handle a few minor upgrades, it doesn’t need his personal hand in it. Thinking about going through all that work again just pisses him off, honestly. What a waste!

And Akon's like, yeah, cool, fine. It was heavily implied that he did a lot of the work on Nemu 7, it's just a matter of digging out his old notes and cleaning out some vats.

Except that, right around the same time, Rukia and Renji decide to have a baby.

Babies are super rare in the Gotei, and it’s not like those stuffy nobles are gonna let Akon look at their precious offspring. But Rukia is a rank weirdo, and Akon is their pal, so she’s always like “I hear they have these things in the Living World where you can pee on a stick and tell if you’re pregnant, can you make me one?” and Akon’s brain goes, “Wow, what even is the first detectable sign of a newly formed soul, this is very interesting.” So, at the same time he’s trying to grow a new and improved Nemu, he’s got access to the developing fetus of two captain-class shinigami. So when he has to pick between eight good candidate embryos to move to the next vat, he picks… not the one with the strongest reiatsu signature, like they did last time, but the one whose reiatsu looks the most like a real baby.

Akon reminds me of a lot of programmers I know, so I always sort of headcanon him as particularly interested in whatever passes for programming in Squad 12, and I think he takes special interest in revamping Nemu’s artificial intelligence system, which is primarily based on taking in information about the world and building up a realistic personality based on people she observes. In particular, it gives extra weight to “people who resemble her”. Nemu 7 was raised by Squad 12, so she came up very Squad 12, just like Mayuri wanted. Unfortunately, toddler Hachigou Nemuri’s algorithm unexpectedly decides that she has much more in common with toddler Abarai Ichika than any of the adult soul reapers around her.

Nemuri 8 is a very successful sample in terms of power and intelligence but she’s also very boisterous, and the rest of Squad 12 is like “Akon do something” so Akon takes drastic measures: he asks Renji for parenting advice. Distressingly, Renji is full of useful ideas like “tire her out” and “only fight the important battles” and “we’re signed up for baby yoga, you wanna start comin’ to baby yoga? Your back is gonna thank you.”

Akon didn't mean to let them hang out so much, but Ichika is a very useful data point and also if he takes Nemuri over to the Abarai house, the girls will entertain themselves (i.e. chew on each other) long enough for him to have a beer with Renji and Rukia and honestly my man really needs that beer.

I don’t think Akon thinks of himself as Nemu’s dad past the first time when she calls him ‘Daddy’ and he corrects her (she only did it because that’s what Ichika calls Renji, very predictable quirk of her programming). She’s just a work project. She’s not even his project, she’s Mayuri’s project, he’s just handling the little details. Fathering just happens to be an adjacent field of study that he’s found to contain a number of very useful best practices.

I would prefer not to get into the detail of the physical abuse that Mayuri uses against Nemu 7, but I would like to think that Akon finds ways to protect Nemuri 8 from the same, or barring that, maybe this is what finally drives Akon to murder Kurotsuchi and become Squad 12 captain himself.

Other Nemuri Headcanons:

Her favorite book is Rejection of the Twin Fishes!, Captain Ukitake’s posthumously published children’s book.

She prefers to be called “Nemuri” over “Nemu.”

Nemuri’s second favorite person in Squad 12 after Akon is Rin, because he always has candy. Rin actually likes having someone to share his hobby with and helps her make a World of the Living Snack Bucket List. When other shinigami come in for gigai, Nemuri constantly tries to con them into bringing something back for her.

Rukia teaches her to cuss, but tells her never to do it around Akon. Nemuri never actually cusses around anyone, but really enjoys having Forbidden Knowledge.

Speaking of Forbidden, she is mildly obsessed with Urahara, even though she’s never met him. She’s constantly on the lookout for thumbprints of his work in modern Squad 12 technology.

The one thing she does have in common with Mayuri is an absolutely batshit personal aesthetic. She starts painting her face as a tween and is somewhat inconveniently both into piercings and inflatable outfits.

The true proof that she has surpassed her predecessor, at least in terms of humanity, is that she is able to learn the name of her zanpakutou.

Oh, if you want to read any of my fanfics with Nemuri, here's one where she and Ichika play football and here's one where she tries to con Byakuya into buying her shaved ice. I really like writing Nemuri hanging out with Byakuya because I think an adult man who navigates social settings via rigid system of etiquette and class hierarchy and a small child with a pile of Markov chains for a brain would be natural friends.

[jewels2876]

Always. - A LOKI finale synopsis

So I thought I could write something magical or be inspired by the Loki finale for @the-th-horniest-book-club as it's their last day of celebration.

And it hit me. I can't.

Here's what I can do: dissect this episode down to its heartbreaking ending because at the end I still have a million questions and it's gonna take a cartoon What If?, a Spiderman movie, maybe a Hawkeye show?, and a Dr. Strange movie to answer them all and I'll STILL have questions after that.

Consider for just a moment what happened to 2012 Loki when the TVA captured him way back in Episode One - what the hell did removing Loki do to the MCU timeline? Thor: The Dark World never happened. And no I don't mean you can pretend Marvel put it out there because they did, and it's one of the worst Marvel movies, there I said it. But if TWD didn't happen, what else could have been affected?

And with that disturbing thought we begin...

The opening credits HAVE AUDIO! Every tag line uttered as the characters flash on the screen, EVEN LOKI gets his "We have a Hulk" in. It is awesome; it is glorious; it is expected with EVERY Marvel creation going forward.

Loki and Sylvie should know better than to stare at a door; they always seem to open on their own when that happens. Miss Minutes pops up out of nowhere, scaring the bejesus out of 70% of people, the other 30% wanted to see her one last time. And she's not the same Miss Minutes we first met. She's edgy, she's less peppy, and she gives our duo an offer. Honestly, she should have known the result but 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ravonna is doing something in her office; if she's cleaning it's a piss poor job. Miss Minutes shows up and tells Ravonna she gave her what she needs. Ominous.

Back to Loki and Sylvie who finally meet "He Who Remains." Now we all know guys with names like "He Who Must Not Be Named" are bad news. Guys, to answer the question asked in the show, I'm a little disappointed. The disappointment lasts about five seconds... The office they get transported to reminds me IMMEDIATELY of a certain movie and certain buildings we've seen before (insert duh at this point because you too have seen every Marvel movie ever.)

****** Side note: anyone know if Tom takes his tea with only two sugars? No? Yes? Okay getting back to other things ******

At this point, we get back to Ravonna and her lack of cleaning when Mobius shows up with the pruner (it has to have a cooler name! side side note: nope just glowing batons) and we get a nice little flashback to Original Ravonna (maybe?)

****** 2nd side note: since when did everyone who's not a Russo brother start using OHIO for origin stories? Seriously, go watch Black Widow. I'll wait.******

Now back to Loki, Sylvie, and He Who Remains, hereto known as HWR, who pulls the same trick we saw in the first episode with the "read and sign" guy with the adorable kitten. HWR needs a kitten, a pet at the very least. "You can't get to the end until you've been changed by the journey." HWR s is winding up for a pitch and also summarizes the show too. Loki asks if it's a manipulation; HWR finds the word interesting and I do to. Here's why:

Odin manipulated Loki's abandonment to his advantage

Thanos put Loki under mind control and used him

This is the 2012 Loki as a reminder, so he hasn't been subjected to imprisonment on Asgard or the brotherly banter/squabbles he and Thor have escaping Asgard, nor “Get help” from Ragnarok so it should come as no shock that Loki looks angry. After all, Odin and Thanos kind of killed any hope in Loki of feeling wanted or needed. Aren’t father figures supposed to instill hope, instead of disgust? Yeah, I can answer that one but that’d be an entire other post.

Now we’re back to Ravonna and Mobius and they spat over who was more betrayed - news flash: it was Mobius. But Ravonna has to do for the digs. “Those variants?” “You threw it away for a couple of Lokis.”  Mobius tries to reason with Ravonna, sounding exactly like Glenda and Elphaba from Wicked (his “together” is spot on Glenda!) Ravonna opens a portal looking for “free will” after giving Mobius one last beatdown.

And we’re back to Loki, Sylvie and HWR. HWR gives them a bit of his backstory; I have a suspicion he’s glossed over some of it (he admits being called a conqueror for cryin’ out loud!) He has a maniacal moment, standing on his desk, voice getting a little shrill and thin. He also admits he’s probably the saner of his variants (my words not his.) Then after his real-man-behind-the-curtain routine he makes them an offer. Take his place. Loki, who has been remarkably non verbal, asks why HWR would give up control. Good question from the guy who wants to be in control yet was meant to thrive on chaos he creates. If anyone is keeping score, questions have been asked but not a single ANSWER has been given! Sylvie isn’t believing a single word while our Loki’s wheels are turning.

****** 3rd side note: the acting has been PHENOMENAL this entire series. Forget what Marvel promised and didn’t deliver (fluid Loki) and a scene we’ll be getting to, Tom and company have been nothing short of an Emmy, which I expect next year.******

HWR finally gets fed up with Sylvie and tells her to grow up. Because she took her pruning personally. Now I’m not going to say she shouldn’t be upset about her pruning; Marvel made it A POINT of showing her playing, content on Asgard, when they took her. But HWR has a point. He’s offering an option that allows Loki and Sylvie to do whatever they feel is best and it’s the wrong time for Sylvie to get in her feelings. Of course 99% of us know that’s EXACTLY when feelings choose to surface.

Then something happens - we don’t know who or what did it. Was it Ravonna and her leaving? Did Ravonna meet someone we suspect? Was it Mobius? Miss Minutes? The agents? We may never know exactly but now HWR is actually in the dark. Mr. Know-It-All suddenly doesn’t know it all.

Sylvie thinks she has her opportunity to fulfil her quest but it’s our Loki who protects HWR. Loki doesn’t tell her she’s wrong or right, just to stop and THINK. And now we get a glimpse of 2018 Loki:

See the bigger picture

Let’s talk about it

I believe HWR

What fills the void of a dictator?

What if we unleash something worse than HWR?

Now here’s where Marvel gets an B+ in character development. They took the 2012 Loki hell bent on destroying Earth to rule it and gave him just enough growth to become the 2018 redeemed Loki ODINSON, willing to sacrifice himself to Thanos (even if he did think he wouldn’t die.) It’s not a perfect arc by any means, but Marvel got there and this is one thing I applaud.

Sylvie now thinks Loki is lying to her to get to a throne and is clearly upset they are not seeing eye to eye on this and another point to Marvel. Loki, for only seeing a few videos that Mobius showed him, still has more life experience in his SINGULAR moment with Thanos to know that there is ALWAYS something bigger, badder, WORSE around the corner and he does NOT want to make the wrong decision. Wow.

To trust or not to trust. 

It’s a beautiful sword fight that HWR sits back and watches like it’s ESPN. The lighting is gorgeous behind the action and is leading up to my next OMG moment: STOP.

Loki asks Sylvie to stop, almost like a child. Like someone who knows exactly where the fight leads, where it goes, and where it ends. And he says as much to her as well. Sylvie feels like that person who just wants the fight to be over; she hunches into Tom’s space and the lighting suddenly stays green and blue. Guess who’s green? Guess who is blue?

This goes back to my Emmy mention. Even if it’s ONLY for technical work, it’s so deserving. Sylvie, in green, tired, emotional, struggling with something we aren’t supposed to know just yet. Loki, in blue, almost as if his Jotun form has taken over, strong, sensible, relatable, empathetic.

And then that damn kiss!  Marvel missed another opportunity here. Two Lokis had the opportunity to show self-love, familial love, friendly love, ANYTHING BUT A DAMN KISS!!! I’m not saying they couldn’t have feelings for each other, but it NEVER has to be romantic just because it’s a guy and a girl. **dramatic sigh goes here**

Sylvie pushes Loki through a portal she has opened, then turns to stab HWR through the chest, as he predicted. HWR actually chuckles, which makes me wonder if he expected this exact turn of events. As if we’ll ever know for sure.

Of course the timeline is going nebular and we’re treated to a shot back to the TVA. Mobius and B-15 exchange words as they watch the timelines grow and grow. Loki is sitting on a couch at the TVA and decides he’s not done? You’re supposed to guess the motivation because everything seems normal at the TVA. Loki finds Mobius and B-15 and admits to everything. Loki calling HWR terrifying is terrifying all on is own. And this of course is where it ends.

The post credit scene is just a “Loki returns in Season Two.”

Guys, this season was a mixed bag. There was some good, there was some not so good; there were laughs and a couple of tears. But it also has me SO HYPED for what’s to come. More Loki, more Marvel content, more... everything, I hope!

[carinyms]

We're three days from the Loki finale and I’m back to spout more meta and theories about episodes 5 & 6! It’s a long one (again.)

I really enjoyed episode five. People have complained that they felt it didn't do much to move the show forward, but one of the things I've loved most about this show is the time it takes to sit with the characters and learn about their backstory, their feelings. (I'm always a little bugged when critics say that an episode hasn't done enough to move the plot forward, because without adequate character development, why should I care about the plot?) I thought the pacing of it was really well balanced.

….and I have never been so nervous for a finale in my entire life. There’s a lot of reasons.

The first is just the fact that I’ve been waiting for this show for a whole year, and the anticipation and excitement of it literally helped get me through the pandemic--so when those final end credits roll I’m going to be a whole mess no matter what happens. (I really hope the rumors floating around about season two are accurate) I also just feel like it’s somewhat inevitable that this is our final farewell to Tom’s Loki, and like—I’ll never be ready, but especially right now, amidst all the rampant controversy around this show, I’m just not ready to deal with that. I have a *small* modicum of hope that this won't be the case, but it feels unlikely. Anyway, guess I’ll die.

I really want this show to stick the landing, so to say. I loved the last episode, but a lot of the response has been that it felt like a lull in the plot. I want this show to end in a satisfying bang so it can get the credit it deserves.

Also I’m a whole hypocrite eating my words from last week—I’m fully on-board with Loki/Sylvie now (not that I was ever really against it)--I’m not sure why I’m surprised. They’re so adorable and wholesome, and I’m in love with seeing Loki in love. It’s so precious. (Just as a PSA, if you’re not into them that’s chill, and you’re allowed to dislike a ship without trying to justify your opinion by labeling shippers as morally problematic. Selfcest isn’t a real thing, therefore there isn’t a moral high ground to stand on here. Okay? Okay.) Wherever it ultimately leads, their relationship is still a really sweet exploration of them both growing and learning how to love themselves and trust others. Also, them cuddling under a tablecloth is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen with my two eyes.

MY THEORIES:

I love Sylvie so much, SO MUCH — and she is 100% going to stab Loki in the back by the end of the next episode. I don’t think the betrayal is going to stick, and by the end they’ll both be on the same page again, but the conversations on trust have been way too one-sided for my comfort. If nothing else she's going to seriously consider it. Here’s one way I can see that going. Spoiler alert: it hurts.

Sylvie betrays Loki at one point—and we see Loki’s growth and arc come full circle as, even after being betrayed by the person he hinged his entire development around, he still believes in doing the right thing, in saving her regardless. It ends in a heart-wrenching self-sacrifice of some kind, and his actions serve as the catalyst for her full development as well. We keep seeing different versions of Loki die for their ‘glorious purpose’, just like how Classic Loki shouts the phrase as he was consumed by Aloith (RIP King, I love you).

Loki has already called Sylvie his glorious purpose (or inferred it). There’s been backlash around him saying that, but the way I see it, it’s less “I’m obsessed with this girl she’s my purpose now” and more “I believe that she’s the best version of us and I’m going to make it my purpose to help her succeed and be what the rest of us aren’t”. That’s why seeing all the other variant Loki’s at their worst in the Loki clubhouse (? what do I call this lol) only fuels him more to find her. I think about what Mobius told him: “You exist to cause pain and suffering and death, all so others can achieve the best versions of themselves”. I don’t think Loki truly believes he can be the best version of Loki — I think he saw Sylvie and thought, "it's her". He’s decided he’s going to help her achieve the best version of herself, but he'll do it giving her love and trust and devotion, rather than through betrayal, pain and suffering. He’s re-writing his pre-determined role, in his own small way. I’m so proud of him.

So who’s behind it all and what’s truly going on here? (This isn’t really one theory, more like a string of possibilities and I don’t really know how they’d fit together.)

I still think it’s another version of Loki. And if it is, I can’t help but appreciate the connections between his position dictating the end of time in the show in relation to Loki’s role in the Norse myths, where he’s the catalyst for the destruction of all things. It feels relevant, considering the whole idea that ‘the end of time hasn’t been written yet’ has come up twice now. That would be a fascinating tie-in to the mythology. (Also—Alioth looks like a giant dog. And Fenrir’s role in Ragnarok was devouring the world—I realize this is a reach but am I the only person seeing this connection?) The thing I really can’t predict is the motivation. What would cause a Loki to want to prevent Loki’s from changing? Was there something that happened in the sacred timeline this Loki is trying to preserve? (I also like the idea of us maybe seeing another version of Sylvie behind it all, but I’m just going to leave that rabbit hole alone. )

But here’s the theory I can’t stop thinking about. There’s a theory floating around tik tok (by user twelvepercentcredit) saying the ‘castle’ we see beyond Alioth looks like a place called the House of Ideas, something that appeared in a (discontinued?) Loki comic. Here’s the wiki page on it. Just looking at the imagery of this compared to the location we’re seeing in the trailers, it’s too similar to be a coincidence. The huge bookshelves, the towering ceilings.

Here’s a description from the wiki:

“The House of Ideas is also home to a library which archives the exploits of every hero who has ever existed in the form of books, written unconsciously by the collective minds of their believers. This collection is curated by Now and Then, two of the children of Eternity. Now and Then routinely seek out heroes to bring into the House of Ideas to bargain with them and give their collections more pages, therefore more time for adventures and exploits. “

And later on the page on how Loki ties in:

“Heeding the desire in Loki's heart to do more with his life, Now and Then approached Loki and brought him to the House of Ideas,[5] where they struck up with him the deal to give more pages to his collection of exploits, rewriting the Books of Loki with a hero's stories in exchange for an eventual hero's death.”

Are they gonna play with the exact happenings of this? I don't know, but it sounds pretty cool!

It would be gutsy to go this route with the show given how meta it is, but I love the idea of it. Would they put characters that embody the abstract ideas of “Eternity” “Now & Then” into the show in the last episode? I’m not sure. Something I could see as a possibility though is an alternate version of Loki having overthrown whoever was previously guarding the timeline, and Loki and Sylvie will have to take them down in turn, thus ‘releasing’ the multiverse to its default, chaotic state.

What if our Loki’s ultimate destiny, ultimate Glorious Purpose, is to release the timelines--restoring all the variants back to their original timelines--and remain in this place for eternity, guarding the timeline and ensuring the multiverse is allowed to exist in its natural state? It seems a pretty fitting role for the God of Chaos. It would also explain why whoever’s behind the TVA would be so desperate to eliminate all variant Loki, if that was his ultimate destiny.

It would be an effective way to remove Hiddleston’s Loki from the movie-verse without killing him, AND place both Sylvie and any other Loki variants back in the the main timeline for use in future films—which we know has to happen somehow, because Young Avengers is definitely happening, and Kid Loki has got to get out of the void somehow.

And yea, this outcome would hurt like a bitch. Because even though that would truly be a lovely glorious purpose for our Loki, he’d be alone. And the whole point of this show is that he doesn’t have to be alone! It would be a very poetic sacrifice for him to take on the burden of watching over the timelines alone for all eternity so that his other variants could be the best versions of themselves, but I really just want him to be happy. I will be crying my eyes out if this happens. I’ll be proud but I won’t be okay.

And this all is probably speculative nonsense and could go off in an entirely different direction. Who knows. All in all, I just really want to see Loki fully believe in himself and his ability, to truly absorb what he said about being stronger than he realizes, and to take control of his destiny.

WHAT I WANT (NEED) FROM EPISODE 6:

Let Hunter B-15 and Mobius team up to burn the place to the ground. She was nerfed in the time-keeper fight, I want to see B-15 kick some ass.

I kind of want Ravonna to escape and be a character that carries over into the films for her tie-ins with Kang? I want to see more of her.

Give Loki a new badass costume. I’m begging. If he’s gonna go down, he deserves to go down in something other than khakis.

And then I want to see him and Sylvie fighting side by side in matching outfits.

I want a Mobius-level hug between them. Or a kiss. Or both. But I want the hug more. And you know what? I want her to initiate the hug or kiss or whatever it is because I want Loki to experience receiving love and affection from others as much as giving it. He deserves it ok??

I expect Mobius on a jet ski in the post credits and if I don’t get it I riot

@marvel these are my demands.

As always, if you've made it this far I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[orionsangel86]

Hey Everyone,

As you have probably noticed, I have neglected this blog for a long time now. I haven’t been on any fandom related social media at all actually. But I figured since I am currently in a good mindset, I want to write a post just outlining some things which basically boils down to a goodbye letter to Supernatural fandom.

Long rambling post below the cut...

This year (and the last) has just taken it out of me in terms of general negativity online both in fandom and in the real world. At first I got tired of fandom (mostly because Twitter is a cesspool of policing and bullying) and then I got tired of everything else (the world sucks right now, and my mental health basically stopped me from being able to participate in any form of online activism – just because I’m not blogging about something, doesn’t mean I don’t support the cause ya know?). Earlier this year, right around the time of the UK lockdowns, I had surgery and a recovery period in which I spent a lot of time with family, and just reacquainted myself with the real world. I think perhaps the coronavirus pandemic made me realise that long before lockdown began I had already been isolating myself from my real life and diving further and further into an online black hole.

It was years in the making. Supernatural fandom preoccupied my thoughts for such a long period of time it got to the point where every moment of my non working time seemed to be spent either online scrolling my tumblr dash or twitter feed, or reading fanfic or doing something fandom related. I invested so much of myself into this show and fandom that I think I forgot who I was before I was a Supernatural fan completely.

After my wake up call in late 2019, which lead me to break free from an extremely nasty clique, I have tried to re-enter fandom on my own terms, as well as attempt to enjoy the source material and the fandom creations to ignite some new spark of love and interest in the show. Yet as much as I have tried, I have failed to do so.

I was thinking recently about someone I used to follow years ago before I ever created a blog. When I was still just lurking in the tumblr shadows and followed the likes of Mittens, Lizbob, and other meta writers of the period, there was a blogger whose name I can’t remember but she was the funniest blogger I had come across. But when the show killed off Charlie Bradbury, she quit. I had never even interacted with her, as I was barely getting my blog started at the time, but I’ll never forget a post she wrote about her feelings on the show. She had recently started watching something else (I think it was Sense8 but can’t recall entirely), and that this new show had given her everything she had never thought she could have from her fave before. She wrote about how her relationship with Supernatural had become abusive. That for years the writers of Supernatural continued to throw punches at fans like her – women, LGBTQ+ people, people of colour, and yet she continued to give it all her time and attention, brushing off the punches because she was so damn devoted to the characters. Then this new show had come along, and it was like she had seen the light. The killing of Charlie Bradbury was the last straw, and she dumped Supernatural’s ass and fled into the arms of her new love.

I hope she is doing fantastically today.

What she wrote has resonated with me for years. I was a fairly new Supernatural fan at the time, and therefore didn’t really understand what she meant. A TV show can’t be abusive. Can it?

Of course, we are speaking in metaphor here, and in no way are these metaphors meant to reduce or limit the truly serious situation of actual abusive relationships, but every now and then, when a new episode of Supernatural has left me feeling upset, disappointed, frustrated and grossly let down, in some cases affecting my mood for days at a time, and therefore my mental health. I have thought back to those words she wrote and quietly agreed with them in my head. Yes. This is a metaphorically abusive relationship.

When I discovered earlier this year that Castiel was most likely going to be killed off in some sort of bullshit self sacrifice before the end of the show, I was extremely distressed. When I found out that my favourite person of all time Misha Collins, supported this ending for Castiel, and may have even been the one who pushed for it, I was more than distressed, I felt betrayed by the person I cared about most. I’ll admit to you all now that in my weakest moments I have fantasized about standing in front of Misha and screaming at him exactly just what kind of affect his “ideal ending” for Castiel will have on his fanbase, on their mental health, and potentially their own safety. This fantasy has me guilt tripping him and doing everything in my power to make him feel utterly shit about the decision. I know what you are thinking – don’t blame Misha, the guy has his own problems and we all know he projects his own self esteem issues onto Cas – and yes, I know this, like I said its only a fantasy to get me through my darkest moments. I don’t hate Misha at all. But perhaps I do love him a little less nowadays than I did back at the height of my fandom life. That’s at least still a little bit more than my feelings for Jensen and Jared which now I can only describe as complete indifference.

I am admitting all of this now knowing full well it will ignite shock and anger among the more die hard fans of J2M, to explain why I need to just leave this fandom completely, or more accurately, why I have already left fandom.

Over the past 10 months of 2020, I have watched a lot of TV (there isn’t much else to do during a lockdown when you are on crutches with your foot in a cast!) and the one thought that occurred to me over and over again was “this show is so much better than Supernatural”.

I kept comparing everything I watched, from the quality of the scripts, the actors, the special effects, to the inclusiveness of the shows. Just so many beautiful and interesting stories that seem to understand their audience, and understand how to entertain and impress without resorting to cringe humour, outdated jokes, and prejudice, not to mention misogyny and queerbaiting – yup, I said it.

The thing is, I think these thoughts have been creeping over me slowly for longer than just this year, but I have been desperately batting them away the way Dean Winchester bats away his own gay thoughts. Unlike Dean though, eventually I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I cannot continue to carve out space in my own soul for this show, which incessantly beats me down regardless of my devotion. The creators, the network, the writers, and sometimes even the cast, have all shown that they don’t care about me as a fan. I’m not some gun toting dudebro living in middle America, so why should they give a damn about me? I’m clearly not their target audience, nor have I ever been.

I know many of you will vehemently deny my personal opinion of Supernatural now. That is absolutely fine. I am sorry to be admitting it, but I had to. I feel like once I finally write out these words, I have got it off my chest and can close and lock the door on Supernatural for good.

Without Supernatural, I am able to focus on my real life, I am able to find pleasure in other things, new things, interesting things, that bring me joy and joy alone – not disappointment and frustration. I found a new job this year, which has been a huge accomplishment as I was stagnating in my old one, and several new hobbies under my belt. I moved to a new flat, I have a lovely flatmate who has been a godsend throughout lockdown, and I have rekindled friendships that I was neglecting due to my Supernatural obsession.

All in all, I am finding post-Supernatural life far more rewarding and content than my life in fandom. It has taken me a while, but I am over the show. And whilst I will always hold a special place in my heart for Castiel, it will be as I know him in my own mind; as the wonderful, strong, powerful and determined angel with a soul, who loves so strongly, and who is worth so much more than his own creators give him credit for. He is up there with Aziraphale and Crowley, with The Doctor, and Buffy, as one of the greatest characters of all time.  

So the Supernatural writers and creators can take whatever ending they have decided upon, and shove it up their asses. I am sorry to say that Sam and Dean Winchester are also lost to me. Any love I had for them was destroyed by their later season depictions. Castiel alone is the only character worthy of that space in my heart now. If in time he longs for a companion, I will find one for him, but it won’t be the Dean Winchester of the canon show. Canon Dean hasn’t been deserving of Cas for a long time now.

Perhaps I am still a little bitter about the ending. Perhaps the finale won’t be the disaster I expect it to be, perhaps Dabb will somehow turn it all around last minute following whatever travesty Bucklemming have given us in 15x19. Either way, I won’t be watching.

So this is me saying goodbye to this blog, at least until I have decided what else to do with it. It certainly won’t be a Supernatural fandom blog anymore. It wasn’t all wasted though. I did get a wonderful friendship group out of this fandom, and I have certainly expanded my knowledge of film and television analysis, as well as having enjoyed a great many memes.

I guess in the end, my internal war with my inner bitter Cas girl finished with her winning, and writing this post. Once it is posted however, I will put her to sleep with thoughts of a happy Castiel, who has swapped his wings for a beating human heart, and is living on a beach somewhere beautiful, refurbishing an old Victorian house, and greeting his kindly elderly neighbours. There’s a gay bar on the main strip, and the bartender is quite a dish. Green eyes and light brown hair with a killer smile. Castiel thinks he looks familiar, like a memory from a past life, but they’ve definitely never met, because this man is kind.

Now that she is asleep, there is nothing left for me here. Goodbye everyone. Whether you manage to enjoy the finale or not, I truly hope you too, find your peace.

[anakinisvaderisanakin]

Tony Stark Is An Emotional Man - My Unpopular(?) Take

So, I’m rewatching the MCU - because of course I am - and I just realized something watching The Avengers for the first time in probably 10 years.

While everyone believes Tony is a prick - and don’t get me wrong, he is 60% attitude in a small package - until he saves the damn planet; the statement he gives to Banner about the Hulk saving him is very heartfelt. He opens up about his own condition with the shrapnel, which is a rare moment of him being openly vulnerable - especially in the earlier phase of the MCU. He is being genuine, and he is trying to make Banner see the positives and understand that perhaps, the situation isn’t as bleak as he’s been thinking.

Tony is trying to provide help, to comfort Banner; not for his own gain but because he recognizes himself in Banner, in spite of their very different ways of handling their inner demons, and their wildly differing personalities. Because he knows what it’s like to lose your way and your self worth, and he wants to see Banner regain some sense of himself the same way he has.

It’s nice to see the kind side to Tony, and for him to expose it willingly to help a fellow team mate - and eventually friend - accept himself and his inner struggle. Tony does not get credit enough for the fact that he always did have that side to him, he just didn’t know how to show it. Even his jokes and snarky sarcasm get less “mean spirited” as he evolves, and grows as a person.

I feel like Iron Man 2 coupled with The Avengers (and of course Iron Man 3 added onto that) are a perfect portrayal of how Tony’s more outward sense of caring for people, despite his awkward sense of socializing, was already beginning to shine through the cracks.

To me, Tony Stark is by far the most compelling character because while I am not entirely like him, I recognize so much of myself and my own hardships. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself, and Tony is the perfect metaphor for that. He even directly likens himself to a phoenix in Iron Man 2, although played for laughs at the Stark Expo.

But not only that, later on in the movie when Steve insinuates that Tony is not a hero, that he would never sacrifice himself on behalf of another; that he fights for himself alone, and tells him he's basically nothing without the suit - you can see it's hurting him. Tony never really holds eye contact unless it's worth while; unless it's getting to him and requires his full attention coming from someone he truly trusts, unless it means something. You see him keep his eyes off of everybody in social situations before he knows them or they have earned his respect; you see him avoiding getting in neck deep, avoiding and brushing off comments on his distant persona.

But that insult right there; from the man his father would rave about, that's taking. You see the pain in his eyes, you see the fact that he's being torn open. You see that he's brought right back to who he once was, reliving the guilt of every mistake he ever made. All because of Steve's judgmental, misguided perception of him. Tony hides his true self; hides his suffering, and his internal grappling with his shame and guilt over every problem and death he's directly or indirectly caused. The fact that Steve Rogers - of all people, as the revered Captain America - cannot see through his surface disguise is really getting to him. I believe Tony had assumed Steve would be superhuman, and he's struck by the realization that Steve is no more human than he himself is. He has imperfections, and flaws, and jumps to conclusions.

And the fact that it is Steve, of all people, making these assumptions of him and taking these jabs at him makes it all the worse. You need only watch for Tony keeping eye contact throughout the verbal onslaught to know it's hitting home; and to know that Tony feels, Tony knows this is what people all initially think of him. He had just hoped that somebody as subjectively righteous and morally good as Steve would have the ability to see through the facade. The fact that he doesn't, and that he doesn't hold back on his opinion, is what hits the hardest.

Another point is when Fury informs the remaining team of Coulson's (faked) death. Tony doesn't look at anyone, he sits turned completely away from the conversation. You can see he's close to losing it, and if he were to speak, if he were to look up, were to make any sort of eye contact directly - he would crack. That's one thing I love about RDJ's portrayal of Tony; the fact that he is so terrified of showing his vulnerable side in front of others, even when he is grieving or blaming himself for any mishap. He feels like he has to be the strong one, like he has to keep it together. Not for himself as much as for everyone else - because if the unfeeling, arrogant Iron Man breaks, how are any of the other team mates going to make it?

If Tony of all people reveals he takes it harder than almost anyone else present, how are they going to see him as the same man? I love how it is only later in the MCU, that he exposes this side of himself more willingly and freely - like in Endgame where he mentions how he lost “the kid” while referring to Peter. He not only maintains eye contact with Steve as he admits that, he chokes up. This same theme is prevalent between them in Civil War when Tony asks Steve to lay down his guard and hand over Bucky, “because it’s us” - which is a testament to the fact that Tony has now accepted Steve as a friend and ally, and this betrayal of his hard earned trust is breaking his heart. But this early on, none of this has become a valid option to him yet. So he keeps it inside; refusing to show his true colours.

And in this moment, what does he do when it gets too much? When he's required to speak up, to acknowledge Fury's mention of The Avengers project? He ups and leaves. Because if he speaks; judging by the eyes alone (which is yet another credit to Robert) he's going to tear up. And hence, he walks out to get it under control, to reil himself back in. It’s a habit he throughout the franchise will begin to display less and less; as he learns to be more comfortable with the team as friends, as well as openly displaying his own emotions.

We see another side to this later when Steve approaches Tony alone one on one; and Tony initially attempts to make quips about how Coulson shouldn't have gone alone, how he was an outgunned idiot. Steve cuts straight to the core, and Tony snaps. You see him nearly tear up, you see how upset he truly is deep down and how he was only doing his best to play it off the only way he knows how. But as soon as he is spoken to, is forced to make an assessment, to actually talk about it; to look Steve in the eye and defend himself - that's the exposed vulnerability that is the real Tony Stark.

Behind the snarks, behind the facade, behind the charade of the arrogant, nonchalant prick he’s been trying to make the world see him for. He's as human as he could ever be; and I believe this is also the first time Steve notices that there is more to Tony than he had presumed. He too, had assumed Tony is too wrapped up in his own ego and lavish life resume to care for the smaller man. But here, he sees that Tony feels, Tony sympathizes, and Tony is deeply traumatized by the fact that he - as he feels - allowed this to happen. He sees that Tony believes this is on his conscious.

Tony's glassy eyes and emotional turmoil betray him, and even though he jumps right back to his intellect and brains as a safety net and a defense mechanism - addressing Loki's plan to hit them at home and split them apart - this is the first time Steve is exposed to Tony's determination, ability to assess and deduce the situation, as well as his belief in doing the right thing (another theme seen later in Age of Ultron regarding Tony’s creation of Ultron himself, as well as in Civil War where Tony is adamant that the Sokovia Accords are the right path to take to pay for the critical mistake Ultron turned out to be.) And as they assemble, you're struck with the realization that this has been enough of an eye opener for Steve to realize that there is more to Tony Stark than meets the eye.

And who is first to the tower, leading the charge if not Tony?

And despite his blind faith in his own skill and ability to stall Loki just long enough; there's the epitome of the courage Tony possesses. He knows that without the suit, he has no fighting chance. He knows Loki could snap his neck in the blink of an eye. And still, he never backs off. Indeed, there is an underlying death wish or at the very least a sense of him subconsciously feeling he deserves and is fated a grim deminse - but it does take unprecedented bravery to put yourself in such clear danger.

Tony Stark could be called many things; but a coward is not one of them. Sure, he does have the untested suit on hold, but he did not know 100% it was going to work as planned. He was counting on it, but you know a part of him knew it was a long shot and might not work out in the end. The suit could have been faulty, Loki could have cracked his head open; the cavalry could have been running late. Still, Tony gambles with his life and luckily barely comes out on top.

At last, we have the finale. What can be said about it, except the fact that it shows exactly who Tony truly is? He knows he's going to die - indeed he doesn't - but he is intent on that, he is accepting death and welcoming it. If it helps save the world, if it will keep Pepper and everyone he loves, everyone he knows; everyone alive safe.

Here, the decision from the first Iron Man to actually show us Tony's eyes and face behind the mask is a godsend. Seeing as RDJ is an actor who communicates so much of his emotional range with his eyes only; we are given an easy access to see everything Tony is experiencing flash through them. We see the fear, the pain, the uncertainty; the acceptance of the inevitable. We see his eyes convey the jumbled mass of conflicting emotions speeding through his mind, we see how he finally just relents and gives in to what he thinks is going to be his time of dying. His final moments.

And he has made them worthwhile, he has already achieved what Yinsen begged of him in that cave in Afghanistan - he has made his survival count. He has saved numerous lives, and if his death is what it takes - so be it. Cue the parallel to Endgame. Hell, even Age of Ultron has elements of this as previously mentioned; although that one was on Tony himself, and his irrevocable fear and flaws as a human being. However, here the team sees Tony's will to sacrifice himself firsthand, for the first time; and contrary to Steve's initial assessment that Tony would never put his life on the line for anyone but himself - he does just that.

This is what makes this movie so powerful.

Sure, it builds upon every team member’s arc; even Fury's. But it is Tony who proves himself above all; who shows the team what we the audience already knew. That he is a hero, that our past does not define us. That Tony Stark feels, that he knows right from wrong although he's still stumbling blind half the time - just like the rest of us. And it proves to Steve - to the entire team - that he is not merely the selfish, arrogant asshole only sticking up for himself. He is a man, albeit a flawed one, who cares deeply. Who feels, who mourns, who appreciates life and the people around him; and who is - behind the barrier he's placed between himself and everyone else to avoid getting hurt - extremely insecure. He is fearful, apprehensive, sensitive, and well aware of his shortcomings.

And Tony Stark is, first and foremost, a good man.

Repost from my previous blog.

[theivorybilledwoodpecker]

In making Artemis so friendly and sympathetic, the movie actually downplays the power of love and friendship, robbing several characters of certain roles in the process.

I wouldn't call Artemis a sociopath in the first book. Artemis is not a friendly kid, and he's traumatized and fairly alone, but his intellect doesn't necessarily give him the same maturity level or coping skills as an adult. Despite the fact that I don't think he can be judged the same as an adult, he's still fairly callous in many respects. He feels some guilt for kidnapping Holly, but it's not enough for him to let her go. He does love his parents and Butler, but he considers himself superior to them.

Artemis slowly changes over the series into a more likable and caring person. He has relapses, and he's never 100% a good guy, but he becomes a better person. It's hard work, and considering how little mentoring or parenting Artemis really has, the kid deserves credit for turning into a better person. However, Artemis has several people to thank for this transformation. Pretty much all of the regular crowd plays a role, but I'd say two people in particular are absolutely vital: Holly and Butler.

It's through watching Holly's bravery and self-sacrificial nature that Artemis starts to realize that there's more than being the smartest person in the world. Holly saves him and his loved ones when he's given her no reason to do so, and she forgives him for things which some would say are unforgivable. By learning to care about Holly, Artemis learns to care about the things she stands for.

Artemis I wasn't the best father, and Angeline wasn't mentally around to be a parent to Artemis II. There are things Butler should have done differently; he's not the best substitute parent. But he loves Artemis. Butler protected Artemis when there wasn't anyone else to look after him. He tried to help his charge grieve in his own way. Butler has put his life on the line for Artemis, but not just because its his job. He does so out of love, and that makes all the difference. Butler should have drawn the line at kidnapping Holly, but he does step in to lecture Artemis at the end of the first book. Maybe Butler isn't the type to hug his charge, but he taught Artemis what love looks like when Artemis's real father was distant.

Artemis's journey takes the whole series, and I'm not even sure it's fully complete. It's hard, and other characters helped Artemis to become the type of person who would sacrifice himself to save a friend. By making Artemis a typical kid, not too bad, just wanting his father back, the movie gives audiences a less satisfying arc that doesn't show how difficult change can be. Because Holly and Artemis hit it off within hours of him kidnapping her, their bond doesn't seem as strong. It's not saving people with friends so much as saving people with the help of some people you just met.

Butler still loves Artemis, and I'm not saying he's not important in the movie, but their dynamic is different because Artemis is different, and Artemis's relationship with his father is different.

[atamascolily]

So I want to talk about one of Luke’s less publicized fails in Legends, namely with Cray Mingla and Nichos Marr in Children of the Jedi by Barbara Hambly. It’s not as flashy and obvious as his failures with Kyp Durron and Kueller, since only two people die, and the New Republic government doesn’t get involved. It’s framed as the result of his students’ choices, rather than their teacher’s, and Luke benefits a great deal from the fallout. But the more I study the backstory for fic purposes, the more convinced I am that Luke Majorly Screwed Up, and I want to call him out on it.

When we first meet Cray and Nichos, the situation is presented as both a tragic love story, and also a Done Deal. Two Force prodigies (and childhood best friends?) fall in love and come to Yavin to train, only for one to be diagnosed with a fatal illness, and the other uses their life’s work to save them. It’s a Nicholas Sparks novel with robots.... except it doesn’t work.

Instead of successfully transferring Nichos’s spirit into a new body, Cray creates a droid replica straight out of the Uncanny Valley, with life-like face and hands. a metallic body, and all of Nichos’s memories. (How she does this is handwaved as techno-wizardry, with a little bit of Ssi-ruuvi techniques thrown in the mix, which is... even more horrific if you start to think about it.) The result isn’t the “real” Nichos--it’s not the man she fell in love with. It’s a construct, a copy, not a human being.

I get where Hambly was trying to go with this meditation on what constitutes personhood, but I feel like dismissing the new Nichos as “just” a droid” is kinda sketchy, given that machines and droids in the Star Wars universe have emotions and personalities and are clearly capable of independent agency not directly contradicted by their programming. Maybe this new Nichos is “another Corellian by the same name”  and not the original, but does that make him any less deserving of autonomy and personhood? I don’t think so.

Droid-Nichos is clearly aware that he’s not human--he pretends because he wants to please Cray (and there’s a not-so-subtle implication she programmed him to do that, which is hella creepy)--but his conversations with Threepio make it equally clear that he sees that as his only function, and he’s not of much ‘use’ for anything else. His very specificity makes him an outlier among droids. He doesn’t fit into either world, which is why he’s so willing to sacrifice himself at the end of the novel--besides the fact that Cray asks him to and he’s not in position to be able to say no.

But Cray is so deep in denial she refuses to admit that this isn’t the original Nichos until droid-Nichos is unable to rescue her from torture because he’s wearing a restraining bolt. Then she breaks down completely, sending droid-Nichos up to shut down the ship and be shot to pieces while she commits suicide by letting Callista’s spirit take over her own body.

So where does Luke fit into all of this? Isn’t it unfair to hold him responsible for Cray’s decisions, given that he was unconscious at the time and determined to sacrifice himself instead? At twenty-six, Cray was a grown-ass adult; if she wanted to create a walking RealDoll with the memories of dead lover, that was her business, right? Right?

The thing is that Hambly makes it clear during Cray’s breakdown that Luke knew all along that Cray hadn’t saved the “real” Nichos.

“Luke …”

He looked up quickly, to meet the blue glass eyes. In the shadowy gloom the face that he’d known so well was almost a stranger’s, affixed monstrously to the silver cowl of the metal skull.

“Am I really Nichos?”

Luke said, “I don’t know.” He had never in his life felt so helpless, because in his heart—in the secret shadows where the truth always lay—he knew that this was a lie.

He knew.

Luke knew exactly what the new Nichos was, and he never sat down with Cray and talked about this or staged an intervention of any kind. He let her deceive herself, even though one of the foremost principles of being a Jedi is self-knowledge and facing grief and failure directly. He knew and he never said anything, because....  I don’t know, exactly.

The Doylist answer is that Callista needed a hot young body to inhabit, and Cray’s entire existence was to provide her with one, more or less guilt-free. (I still think it’s incredibly creepy, and I know I’m not the only one, but most of the characters in-universe let it slide, and I just... can’t even...)

“Am I ‘another Corellian of the same name’?”

“I’d like to tell you one way or the other,” said Luke. The bolt came away from the brushed-steel chest, lay thick and heavy in Luke’s hand. One hand real, one hand mechanical, but both his. “But I … I don’t know. You are who you are. You are the being, the consciousness, that you are at this moment. That’s all I can tell you.” That fact, at least, was true.

The smooth face did not alter, but the blue eyes looked infinitely sad. “I had hoped that, being a Jedi, you would know.”

And Luke had the uncomfortable sensation that, having been a Jedi, Nichos knew perfectly well that he was keeping something back.

It’s worth noting here that Luke is one of the few people in the GFFA who we see treating droids as people. He’s not dismissive of Nichos’s existential angst, and he’s not going to dictate what Nichos is, no matter how much Nichos wants to be reassured one way or the other. I don’t know if other characters who are less sympathetic to droids would react this way.

I also like the juxtaposition between Nichos’s metallic body and Luke’s mechanical hand. Luke is human; Nichos isn’t--where’s the line between them? Isn’t Luke’s point here is that the line is where you define it to be?

Or at least that’s the image Luke wants to project. He’s still holding something back--namely, the real truth, which he shares with Callista:

“Is Nichos all right?”

Luke nodded, then caught himself, and shook his head. “Nichos … is a droid,” he said.

“I know.”

Callista sees right off that Nichos is a droid; she calls him “the droid with the human eyes” and asks if he’s some new creature of Palpatine’s when she and Luke first meet. Luke can admit to her that Nichos is a droid, but not to Nichos or Cray--not even when Nichos directly asks him. So, #TeachingFail there, I think. What the hell was Luke thinking?

This gets even worse as Callista continues:

“Luke,” she said gently. “Sometimes there is nothing you can do.”

He expelled his breath in an angry gust, fist clenched hard; but he did not, after all, speak for a time. Then it was only to say, “I know.” He realized he hadn’t known that, two weeks ago. In some ways, learning about Sith Lords and cloned Emperors had been easier.

So if Luke didn’t know there was nothing to be done but accept the situation as it was, why didn’t he try to do something for Cray before now? Why did he let her coast along in denial with her robot boyfriend for months?

Which makes it all the more ironic that the conversation turns to the role of mistakes in the education of a Jedi, as well as recounting of Luke’s other teaching mistakes.

“I just wish some of those one thousand eighty mistakes didn’t involve teaching students. Teaching Jedi. Transmitting power, or the ability to use the Force. My ignorance—my own inexperience—cost one of my students his life already, and threw another one into the arms of the dark side and caused havoc in the galaxy I don’t even want to think about. The whole thing—the Academy, and bringing back the skills of the Jedi—is too important for … for ‘Learn While You Teach.’"

Luke isn’t responsible for Nichos’s illness or his death, but he is responsible for letting Cray keep her illusions for so long. He isn’t responsible for the dramatic, over-the-top way in which Cray’s fantasies come tumbling down--but why did he let it get to that point in the first place?

Here’s Cray’s reaction when Luke does try to talk to her about Nichos:

“I know he had a scum-eating motherless restraining bolt, you jerk!” She screamed the words, spat them at him, hatred and fury a bitter fire in her eyes; and when the words were out sat staring at him in blind, helpless rage behind which Luke could see the fathomless well of defeat, and grief, and the ending of everything she had ever hoped.

Then silence, as Cray turned her face aside. The nervous thinness that had advanced on her during Nichos’s illness had turned brittle, as if something had been taken, not just from her flesh, but from the marrow of her bones. Over the torn uniform, grimed with blood and oil, the blanket hung on her like a battered shroud.

If they had had this conversation before now--after Nichos’s death, or at any point before that trip to Ithor--would matters have come to this?  Is Luke culpable for all the things he didn’t say to Cray, as well as the things he did say to Gantoris and Kyp (cited above)?

Does Cray fall prey to the Dark Side here? Is that why Callista loses her powers? I don’t know. I love this novel, but so much of its logic is incomprehensible to me, and I don’t understand it. Maybe that’s why I love it so much, because it keeps me thinking about it.

“Don’t hate him for being what he is,” he said, the only thing he could think of to say. “Or for being what he’s not.”

The words sounded puerile in his own ears, like a half-credit computerized fortune-teller at a fair. Ben, he thought, would have had something to say, something healing … Yoda would have known how to deal with the wretched ruin of a friend’s heart and life.

The mightiest Jedi in the universe, he reflected bitterly—that he knew of, anyway—the destroyer of the Sun Crusher, the slayer of evil, who’d defeated the recloned Emperor and the Sith Lord Exar Kun, and all he could offer someone who had been disemboweled was, Gee, I’m sorry you’re not feeling so well …

Luke, you should have had this conversation with her months ago. Or if you didn’t feel up to it, you should have insisted she go to THERAPY as a condition of her continued training at your school, you knew damn well she wasn’t okay, and you just let her go on her way as if nothing was wrong and I just... 

As a result of his screw-ups with Cray and Nichos, Luke survives, his ghost girlfriend gets a body, and the Eye of Palpatine is destroyed, so I guess it works out pretty well for him. Cray and Nichos, not so much, sadly. Does he learn anything from the experience? I don’t know, because nothing quite this weird happens ever again.

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m so mad about this one point from a novel published twenty-five years ago that only a handful of people remember, but I can’t read it anymore without wanting to smack Luke here for his part in this whole mess. Even though I think I understand why he holds back, why he’s afraid he’ll make matters worse, and why it’s easier to just to leave Cray alone and hope it all works out, it’s still the wrong decision and Obi-wan and Yoda and I are all shaking our heads at him, because really, Luke, why did you do that--??

[evilrubberducke]

A Day Among Nerds

I haven’t been able to write much for the past couple weeks, but I’m getting back in to the swing of things. As usual, have some fluff of my favorite couple of dorks. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: When Mina notices Izuku is hiding something from her, it leads to a day that neither will be forgetting anytime soon.

Rated T for some use of language.

Read it on AO3!

The school day had only just begun, but Mina could already tell that something was going on with Izuku. Ever since class began, he had been even more distractible than usual. Normally, he made a point of paying attention in class, even during boring subjects. Today, however, Mina had noticed him staring out of the window rather than paying attention multiple times. If it was anyone else it wouldn;t have been that remarkable, but for Izuku it was a significant change in behaviour. 

Even still, she might have dismissed it if it weren’t for the rest of his behaviour. 

During third period, while Present Mic and Iida were engaged in a heated debate over the correct translation of some English poems, Mina caught Izuku checking his phone. He was trying to be subtle about it, and failing miserably, probably because he had next to no experience breaking the rules on his own. Their eyes met as Izuku looked up and Izuku froze for a moment. He stuffed his phone back into his pocket and looked away as quickly as he could, but the encounter stuck in Mina’s mind for the rest of the class. When they’d locked eyes, he had looked almost...guilty?

During the break he had been the first one out the door, despite his position in the class,and left her blinking in surprise. A quick glance towards Iida and Uraraka showed that they were just as taken aback as she was.

When he returned to class just before break ended, he looked even more nervous than he usually did. His fingers drummed an unconscious beat on his leg, and Mina could swear she saw a faint bit of perspiration on his brow. 

He was also sneaking glances at her whenever he thought she wasn’t looking. She caught every one of them, of course, thought she did her best not to let on that she could see him. While he stared, his nerves seemed to grow worse, and she could tell he was doing his absolute best to clamp down on his mumbling. 

There was only one real conclusion Mina could draw from his odd behavior, and it was one she really didn’t like. Izuku was trying to keep something secret, despite some part of him desperately wanting to tell her. 

Izuku was not the type to keep secrets, and especially not from her. He wore his heart on his sleeve nearly all of the time. True, Asui probably had him beat as the most honest person in the class, but Izuku definitely gave her a run for her money.

So, she decided, there was only one thing to do. She would have to shake him by the ankles until he started talking.

-

Her chance didn’t come until the end of the day. To his credit, Izuku proved to be extremely slippery. He’d manage to dodge her all throughout lunch, using some clever moves born of long years avoiding bullies. Their hero training for the day had been Quirk improvement exercises which meant she was on her own while she worked to improve the amount of acid she could expel and Izuku trained with Kirishima on their ability to give and receive damage, respectively.

When class was done, he tried to slip away once more, but Mina had grown wise to his tactics. The minute Izuku attempted to dash down the hall, Aizawa grabbed him by the shoulder and reprimanded the boy for attempting to run in the halls. Mina had learned months ago that while their teacher was not prone to enforcing the school rules when it didn’t affect him, his opinion could be swayed by a well placed bribe. Three weeks of no pranks or class disruptions was a hefty sacrifice to make, but it was a price she was willing to pay, given the circumstances.

By the time Izuku was free to go, everyone else had filled out of the class and were either on their way to the dorms to relax or to the gym to sneak in some extra training. The hallways were nearly empty as Izuku hurried down them, glancing behind himself periodically to make sure Mina wasn’t sneaking up behind him.

Instead, she popped out in front of him from her hiding place in the stairwell, and slammed a palm into the wall to bar his way. His reactions were fast enough that he didn’t get clotheslined, though he did stumble back a little bit in surprise. Mina took the opportunity to bring her other arm around him, guiding and trapping him against the wall.

“Afternoon Babe.” Mina said, her words as honeyed as she could make them without dipping into the territory of being actually threatening. Push him too hard and he would shut down before she could get what she was after. Push just hard enough though, and he would be putty in her hands.

“Good...uh...nice to…um...hi Mina.” His stuttering was as bad as she’d ever heard it. Perfect.

“Did you have a nice day?” 

“Uh...y-yeah? It was ok, I guess.”

“Really?” She was laying it on thick, but she didn’t mind too much. If Izuku was going to keep secrets from her, then he deserved a bit of teasing. “Cuz you weren’t looking so great during class.”

He laughed nervously. “N-no. I’m fine. I just….” his eyes were firmly glued to his shoes as he trailed off.

Mina placed a hand on his shoulder. She’d gotten her digs in, and now it was time to actually talk to him.

“Izuku, you know if there’s anything bothering you, you can talk to me about it, right? And I’ll help any way I can.” This time her smile was as warm and genuine as she could make it.

As she spoke, his eyes rose to meet hers, and his back straightened just a little bit. He wasn’t back to his old self, but a bit of his usual fire had returned.

“I know.” He said softly. “It’s….” He trailed off once more.

She waited for him to gather his thoughts, squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. Finally, he gathered the will to continue. It did make her a little happy to see him push past whatever was making him uncomfortable for her sake. Sure, he had taken some prodding to get there, but that’s what she did best. Help him push past his mental hang ups and live life to its fullest.

“I didn’t want to say anything, because I know you’ve been looking forward to our date this weekend, and I know it’s selfish of me to want to do something else, especially since I know you wouldn’t enjoy it, but people keep talking about how amazing it’s going to be this year, and it’s just so cool and-” As he spoke, the words came faster and faster, until he was practically babbling. 

“Midori, I’m going to need you to breathe for me” Mina said, placing a finger on his lips to cut him off. She waited for him to calm down slightly before continuing. “Wanna try that again?”

He nodded, but didn’t speak. Instead, he held out his phone for her to look at. She grabbed it gingerly, interested to see what had sent her boyfriend into such a tizzy. There was a long moment where her eyes danced across the screen, taking in every detail.

Then she burst out laughing.

“Midori, you are such a dork!”

The page that had given Izuku so much grief was an advertisement for “Mightfest 2319”. The hero might have retired, but his fans were still going strong apparently, and were planning on congregating in Mustafu that weekend to celebrate their favorite hero and probably purchase a ridiculous amount of merchandise.

It took Mina several seconds to control her laughter, and to look Izuku in the eyes once more. He still looked worried, but now confusion was written plainly on his face as well.

“I'm ...pfft… I’m sorry, but only you would get so tied up in knots over something so ridiculous.” She wiped a tear from her eye as she spoke. The intensity of her laughter had probably been over the top, but the whiplash of going from worrying over her boyfriend’s mental state to realizing the insane reason for his nerves had left her feeling a little giddy. “It’s a little cute, honestly.” She said with a grin.

Izuku seemed to deflate as the last of his nerves left his body. His concerns had proven to be unfounded, but they had been weighing on him for more than a week, and it was a relief to finally be done with them.

“I’m sorry” He apologized, his voice still quiet.

“Izuku, it’s fine. I’m not angry. Well, I’m a little peeved that you didn’t think you could talk to me about this.”

“I didn’t want to ruin our date.” He protested.

Mina shook her head. “Izuku, we were gonna get pizza and watch a movie. We can do that anytime. This is something that only happens once a year, right?” Izuku nodded in response. “And you really want to go, despite the fact that All Might himself is one of our teachers and you see him every other day?” He nodded again, although much more sheepishly this time.

“Well then, I guess we’re going to MightFest!” She grinned at the look of surprise and excitement that blossomed across her boyfriend’s face. 

“Mina, are...are you sure? I mean, it’s really nerdy, and it’s going to be super crowded, and there’s gonna be tons of people in costume, and I don’t want you to be bored or anything.”

Mina pretended to think for a moment, then nodded her head. “Here’s what I think. You really like this, and I really like you, and therefore, by the transformation property, I’ll enjoy it!” Izuku raised his finger as if to correct her on her misuse of mathematical terms, but thought better of it and give her a hug instead.

She relaxed into the embrace, though she sighed a bit internally. She wasn’t quite as enthusiastic about the change of plans as she had lead Izuku to believe, but she would be damned if she let him find out about that. 

A few months after they had started dating Mina had asked a simple question about one of the many figures that decorated his room. Izuku had lit up at her curiosity and started describing all the variations and features of his collection as well as the symbolism and history behind them. While Mina hadn’t particularly cared about the information, she had enjoyed watching Izuku become so animated as he talked about his figures. 

However, when he was part way through his collection, one of Bakugou’s explosions had echoed through the dorms, and Izuku had frozen mid sentence. It was like a switch had been flipped. He crumpled in on himself and started apologizing for annoying her.

Mina hated it. The Izuku she loved was happy, goofy, occasionally over the top, and all the cuter for it. She decided then and there that Izuku wouldn’t end up like that because of her. She was going to indulge his nerdy side until he never reacted like that again.

<And who knows,> She thought to herself as the pair made their way back to the dorms, Izuku busy plotting out exactly what activities they would be participating in, <Maybe I’ll actually enjoy myself.>

-

Mina actually balked as she witnessed the crowd that had assembled outside the Kiyashi Ward mall. The last time she had come here had been in the middle of the day just before the beginning of summer, but the crowd now made that one seem tame in comparison.

Everywhere she looked, Mina could see excited nerds chatting with each other about their favorite All Might costumes or poses, or other such topics. Almost every single one of them was decked out from head to toe in All Might merchandise, which made navigating the crowd somewhat of a headache.

Thankfully for her, a beacon of green stood out in the sea of red, white, blue and blonde. 

“MIDORI!” Mina called as she pounced on her boyfriend. He staggered slightly from the sudden embrace, but recovered quickly and returned her hug.  “Were you waiting long?”

The pair had originally planned to meet up before heading into the event, but Mina’s little brother had proven to be a little bother, filling her shoes with the viscous and sticky goop he was just starting to be able to produce, and causing her to run late. She’d texted Izuku to get started without her, letting him know she would catch up. 

He’d apparently enjoyed himself. He was already carrying a small plastic bag with several rolled up poster sticking out of it. At the rate he acquired merchandise, Mina was amazed his that there was still spaces in his room that weren’t plastered with the hero’s iconic smile.

“No...not really. I just checked out a few of the booths. There’s some amazing artists over there, and I saw one girl who had made an entire sculpture out of macaroni, and she said she didn’t use her Quirk for it AT ALL which is so cool, and then there was this guy ...”

Mina chuckled as Izuku spoke excitedly. All around her she could hear similar conversations from other super nerds as they filed into the event. For once, she realized, Izuku wasn’t the biggest nerd in the room.

-

“Uh...M-Mina. Can we...That is...do you mind if we...um...”

Mina cocked her head to the side, trying to puzzle out what exactly Izuku was trying to ask her. He’d been doing fine with his stuttering this afternoon, so this had come out of nowhere. 

“What’s that Midori?” She asked, leaning closer so he didn’t have to speak up as much.

“I..uh...wanted to...take a picture. With you. Over...there…”

Mina turned to where he was pointing, and a smile broke across her face. At the edge of the crowd was a display of a classic image of All Might and Sir Nighteye posing victoriously, their heads replaced with holes so people could pose as the iconic duo. A young woman stood nearby, offering to take photos for you in exchange for a few yen.

She grinned as she looked back to Izuku, who was still imitating a strawberry. Even still, she could see the look in his eyes that said this wasn’t some idle whim, but something he really wanted to do with her. 

<Well then, here we go!!> Mina grabbed Izuku’s shoulders, and began to push him towards the display. He served as an excellent battering ram and the crowd parted around them, though whether that was out of respect for their fellow con goers, or just them trying to avoid the heat of the furnace that was emanating from Izuku’s blushing face was up for debate. 

She tossed her phone to the photo girl, who caught it with surprising dexterity and gave Mina a thumbs up.

Whoever had set up the display had obviously thought ahead. There were a pair of adjustable stools for anyone who didn't measure up to the massive hero or his lanky sidekick. 

Izuku briefly and unsuccessfully tried to relinquish All Might's visage to Mina, but she was having none of it. She practically shoved his head through the appropriate hole, then did the same for her own. 

She craned her neck slightly to grin at Izuku while they waited for the photo girl to line up the shot. He looked a little put out by the rough treatment, but his frown quickly changed to a smile as he caught her gaze.

"Say Plus Ultra!" The girl called to them, and the pair flashed the biggest smiles they could muster. 

-

“You know, it’s actually impressive how many of these have Izuku blinking.” Mina mused as she reviewed the pictures while waiting for Izuku to return with some snacks.

There were quite a few to choose from, the photo girl had been very diligent in capturing multiple angles and facial expressions. Unfortunately, this meant she had captured more than a few awkward ones as well. From Izuku mid blink, to Mina looking cross eyed, there were a few stinkers that Mina intended to delete later.

There were, however, several that she really liked. One captured Izuku’s surprised blush as she pinched his butt behind the scenes. The objectively best photo showed them both with matching smiles as they stared into the camera.

But Mina’s favorite by far was the final picture in the series. Izuku hadn’t realized that there was one more photo being taken, and so he wasn’t posing at all. Instead, he had turned his head slightly to stare at Mina, while she was still smiling for the camera. 

He had a soft smile on his lips, and a light blush dusted his cheeks as he stared at her. That was adorable, but what really made Mina’s heart skip a beat was the look in his eyes. She wasn’t sure how the phone camera had captured it so well, but she could easily see that he was looking at her in abject adoration. 

She squeezed her phone tight to her chest as a light blush touched her cheeks once more. She’d send the rest of the pictures to Izuku once they got home, but not this one. 

No, this picture was going in a special folder that she kept, one that sparked warm memories every time she opened it. It was where she stored photos and texts from her boyfriend that really reminded her why she had fallen for him in the first place. 

Not just because he was attractive, funny, incredibly smart, loyal, dedicated, and completely adorable. It was because he was the most genuine person she had ever met. She never had to doubt where she stood with him, since he told her how he felt with everything he did. 

She looked up as a drink entered her field of view, and interrupted her thoughts. 

“I...uh… thought you might be thirsty.” Izuku said with a gentle smile.

Mina grabbed the refreshingly cool bottle gratefully, and took a long drink from it. 

<That settles it.> She thought happily <Best boyfriend in the world.>

-

Izuku began to vibrate with excitement as the announcement came over the PA system. 

"The Mightiest trivia contest will begin shortly. All contestants, please make your way to the stage in the next five minutes so we can begin promptly." 

Mina smiled at her overenthusiastic boyfriend. "Someone's looking excited. You think the contest is going to be exciting to watch?" 

He shook his head. "I'm uh...I'm a contestant."

Mina blinked in surprise. Izuku had mentioned that there were some events he wanted to take part in at the convention, but he hadn't named anything specific and Mina had expected something a little more laid back. He had made great strides in his social skills, but standing up in front of a crowd like this was still a step outside his comfort zone. 

"You are, huh? What's brought this on?"

"Oh! We'll, uh, I've seen some footage from previous fests, and it looked really fun. They have these really cool, in depth questions, so lots of super fans participate, and it's really cool."

Mina arched an eyebrow in his direction. She could tell he wasn't giving her the whole story.

He lasted nearly a minute before breaking under her stare. 

"There's a really cool All Might plushie that they're giving out as a prize." Izuku mumbled, pushing his fingertips together dejectedly. 

"There’s my favorite dork." Mina teased. "Think you've got a shot?" 

Izuku looked pensive for a moment, then nodded slowly. It wasn't exactly the enthusiastic response Mina had been hoping for, but she'd take what she could get. 

Another announcement played over the PA, letting them know they had only a couple of minutes to reach the stage. Izuku stood quickly, shaking a little in the knees, and made his way through the crowd with Mina following close behind him.

-

The set up for the trivia contest was actually quite impressive. It wasn't quite a professional level set, but it was close. They had a large screen strung above the contestants to let the crowd see the questions, as well as some smaller screens for the contestants to view. They each had a large red buzzer placed in front of them, the kind that made an irrational part of Mina want to run up and press just for the sake of pressing a button.

Izuku was even easier to pick out of the line of contestants than he had been on the floor. For probably the first time since Mina had met him, Izuku was wearing the least amount of All Might merchandise in the room.  He had on a t-shirt, of course, and an armband that he had bought as they toured the con. Everyone else on the stage was decked out in full regalia, including several in full cosplay, complete with muscle suits. 

Izuku was also easy to pick out, because he was looking even greener than usual. Apparently he'd worked himself into a fine state backstage. Mina had no doubt that he'd taken one look at the other contestants and had started to feel self conscious.

She shook her head. Izuku would be Izuku, even when he was among his people.

The hostess tapped her microphone, indicating the crowd to be quiet. As the noise started to die down, Mina could see that Izuku was still working himself into a tizzy. 

<Guess I'll have to do something about that> Mina thought to herself. 

She cupped her hands in front of her mouth, and shouted as loud and enthusiastically as she could. "GANBARE IZUKU!"

He visibly started at her call, but Mina could tell it has worked. His spine straightened, and his shoulders squared as she watched. He still looked nervous, of course, but it was leagues better than before. 

Sighing contentedly, Mina sat back and tried to get comfortable in the plastic folding chairs the event had provided. Time to watch Izuku kick some nerd butt.

-

"Holy shit Midori" Mina said in amazement.

Izuku had come in first place in the contest, like she knew he would. One girl in gender bent All Might cosplay had given him some trouble, but in the end Izuku's encyclopedic knowledge of his idol had proven superior. 

It wasn't Izuku's success that had surprised her, though. It was the reward for said success that had blindsided her.

The "plushie" that Izuku had won turned out to be a nearly life-sized recreation of All Might in his silver age suit. It was made of a soft and fluffy fabric that just begged to be hugged, and the stitched on smile was positively adorable with its faux chibi style. Grabbing onto it, Mina was instantly in heaven. It was just as comforting to hold onto as it looked. 

"Midori you have to try this!" Mina called, voice muffled by the cushy fabric and layers of stuffing. She had no doubt that she was drawing several stares, but she also didn't care one bit. 

She felt the plushie shake slightly as Izuku grabbed onto the other side. A moment later, his hand found hers and squeezed lightly. "I’m glad you like it." Came the muffled response. 

Mina popped her head out, though she kept her arms wrapped around the plushie and her fingers intertwined with Izuku's. "What do you mean?"

Izuku popped his head up as well, staring at her with a small smile on his face. "I...uh...the plushie. I wanted to win it for...for you." He blushed, and buried his face once more.

Mina could feel the blush rising in her cheeks. It wasn't anything to rival Izuku's magnificent strawberry impersonation, but she did turn a rather lovely shade of lilac. 

For the first time that day, Mina found herself at a loss for words. At this point, she should be used to Izuku's heartfelt gestures, but they still had a tendency to take her by surprise, and after dating Izuku for so long, Mina found that she quite liked surprises.

In a supreme effort of will, Mina detached herself from the plushie and made her way around to the opposite side. Izuku was still spooning it, an image that Mina saved in her memory to chuckle over later. Then, she wrapped him in as large a hug as she could manage. 

"Thank you, Izuku" she whispered to him.

It definitely wasn't what she envisioned a perfect day out with Izuku would be, but it was special in its own way. And for her, that was more than enough.

-

“Hey Midori?”

“Yeah?”

“How are we gonna get this back to the dorms?”

“...I may not have thought this through all the way”

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG155~~

- It was a very interesting experience because… in the end, what was the thing that made me/us collectively disgusted by the statement-giver? Is there a way we could have felt a bit of sympathy or pity towards her? How come that she felt as loathable (or more) as the spooks gleefully killing for fun that we’ve met before? Why did I absolutely lack any empathy towards her even before she officialised that she had to kill people to stay alive and exactly whom she had indeed killed (the doctor trying to save her life, a helpless old woman, a young homeless man, a baby…)?

I think that in this statement, it mostly came down to the lack of regret and shame, and the hypocrisy regarding Tova’s motivations and her targets of choice: yes, fearing death and sacrificing people to keep living would be understandable as a human trait (and obviously not justifiable), but what made Tova mostly insufferable was how she kept presenting herself as a Good Person all through it, and how her story may be revealing that her so-called “philanthropy” was mostly… empty and only for show. Her “charitable” actions were never really about improving people’s lives or seeing the poor as people who deserved better, but about positioning herself at the centre of things, to think of herself as someone Better and Worth More, while poor or marginalised people were just presented as… things that needed her help, but not mattering much in the grand scheme of things, to the point that she ended up specifically targeting the people who she claimed needed her help (almost presenting it as if they owed their lives to her in the first place)?

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “I had to live, I couldn’t die, not then. We were on the verge of closing a deal that would provide fresh water to impoverished communities in a dozen developing countries; without me, it would fall through…! So I kept moving, senses attuned to what I needed – and I found her, sitting in a park, all on her own. An old woman, frail and shivering, staring out at the ducks over the water, empty bread bag by her side. If only I could’ve explained it to her, I’m sure she would have understood. She might even have agreed…! But I couldn’t talk to her. And I needed to live. […] This time, I sought out a homeless man. Young and strong, though his life was clearly over as he tried to destroy himself through drinking. […] It’s… strange, the maths you do of it all. A full life ahead of it, but… aside from the devastated parents, no real harm to the world as a whole. No good works left unfinished. It was a baby born to poverty, one whose life I thought would… bring it pain. […] I’m 40 now, and I have taken the life of beloved mothers, respected professionals, pillars of the community. But I have done so much good with my life…! I’ve reached further, helped more people than they ever could have!”

And if the point was to spread the fear of Death: the most obvious target should have been someone famous, but as that pretty often comes with wealthiness… it just didn’t seem to cross her mind to target someone from her own social group or higher, I’m guessing?

Tova was so obsessed with appearances, with being acknowledged as “necessary”, with being credited for her ~good deeds~? You would like to hear some honesty from a serial killer, and she didn’t sound like she was providing any because she was still clinging to the image she was constructing for show. What pushed her to give a statement in a first place? Usually, statement-givers had been people screaming for help, or depositing their story because no-one would understand, or people delivering a message through their statements… but it felt like Tova was mostly doing it because she was trying to defend herself against the perception that people could have had of her?

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “You’ve got to understand: I have so much to live for. Oh, okay, that’s not quite it; I know most people have plenty to live for, but what I mean is that my life does good…! I put a lot into the world. Did you read about that homelessness initiative, that got 8000 people into shelters – that was me! […] And that’s not money from some trust fund…! I mean, sure, my parents loaned me the money to start, but I built my business up from the ground, and we now provide jobs for almost 700 people….! And I know that everyone’s life has value, but I just… need to be clear that my impact on the world is a positive one. My existence does a lot of good. And that’s only gotten more true since all this started; I’ve given more, spent more time on charitable stuff, and… helped more people…! Sorry, I’m just… aware of how this story makes me look. And I don’t want you to think I’m some… selfish monster grinding people up just to extend my own ghoulish life. I’m trying to do good…!”

It’s also interesting how it was a very self-centred statement (lots of “I”s, the insistence that what had happened to her wasn’t “fair” while, hum, her victims could have said the same about what she did to them) and, yet, all of Tova’s reasonings and her entire life felt artificial? For example, it would still have felt wrong if she had wanted to survive because she didn’t want to give up her life and her husband; but no, he was just… summed up in two lines, and felt like an impersonal cardboard standee (“So, when I had an epileptic seizure, the first one of my entire life, the month before my wedding, that wasn’t fair…! […] having my first attack at the top of a staircase, five weeks before the happiest day of my life, that’s just… not fair! […] The church was magnificent, the reception the most fun I’d had in years, and Daven was exactly the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. […] There was no one else around: Daven was on a business trip and I was alone in the house.”). They were still married by the time she gave her statement, I guess? But we didn’t know, and it didn’t feel at all like he truly mattered much to her.

Also, I DO NOT LIKE THIS and/or really hope it’s just how The End feels when it goes for specific people:

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “But more likely, I thought it would be nothing. No “heaven”, or “hell”, no thought or sensation, just… nothing! You wouldn’t even notice you were gone. But it wasn’t like that at all. I don’t know if I have… words, for it. How can you describe being aware of the absence of everything? Life. Light. Warmth. It was very dark. And very cold. It dawned on me that this might be my existence… forever, there, beyond time, and I tried so desperately to scream, but… I had no lungs or throat in that dreadful place. I couldn’t even cry. […] Again, I found myself in that dark, cold place; and this time, I simply waited, hoping against hope that this time, it wouldn’t be forever. […] Surely, it would see me through to the time I was actually meant to die; that I could go… peacefully into oblivion, not trapped in that… dreadful darkness.”

Because Tim is having a LOVELY kayaking trip and is not stuck in a dark, cold, empty place, thank you very much :|

- So wow, once again, the whole statement felt like it was coming for Jon’s throat re: choosing to feed, still presenting yourself as The Victim when you’re pushed to hurt others in order to survive, the fact that it’s never the right time to die, not wanting to do something or to be responsible for something and doing it anyway.

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “So, when I had an epileptic seizure, the first one of my entire life, the month before my wedding, that wasn’t fair…! […] Did I have to do it again? The idea… appalled me to my core, but it seemed the only explanation. I had to live, I couldn’t die, not then. […] If only I could’ve explained it to her, I’m sure she would have understood. She might even have agreed…! But I couldn’t talk to her. And I needed to live. […] I made a decision. One I am… deeply ashamed of, but I honestly thought it was for the best. I couldn’t keep living like that in the shadow of death – of what I had to do to keep going. “One sacrifice,” I thought. […] Surely, this would be enough. Surely, it would see me through to the time I was actually meant to die […] I’m not saying how I live is right, or good… but it is the position I have been put in, and a decision I have to make. I never wanted to weigh up the value of a life, to set it on the scales against my own. But that’s a choice that I am forced into. And it is one I will continue to make.”

At least, Jon strongly reacted to that – although he’s still exploring and… waiting, without any answer.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been reading nothing but these old, [FLAPPING PAPER] dry statements for so long, I… [PAPER RUSTLING] I feel weak. Like I’m… fading away. Do I restrain myself, keep my appetite in check, even at the cost of my life? Or do I try to rationalise what I am, like… Ms. McHugh? I find myself… hating her, her… callous self-deception. But am I so different…? Daisy’s chosen to resist in her own way, knowing full well it might take her life in the end; Melanie too. I… respect them for it, but I… I don’t know if I can follow their path. I suppose I have a way out, now. One that… wouldn’t even kill me – at least, I hope not. And yet, here I am still… Am I a coward? I just… What if they need me? What if.

Still under withdrawal, as long as it can last, but not exactly firm about the necessity of it at the same time.

(And also: sob that Tova’s “I made a decision.” reminded me of Jon’s own “I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them.” from MAG117 ;;)

- I do love how a few episodes ago, Jon was Very Intensely claiming that no, he didn’t want to philosophise:

(MAG152) ARCHIVIST: And how can I tell, I suppose? My job is to view people at their lowest, their most fearful and unstable moments. Perhaps there is less change there than I imagine. Certainly… I don’t feel different; I have no desire for pseudo-religious philosophising or… delighting in the suffering of those I harm. … Then again, I suppose I’m hardly in the best position to judge.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: … What is the value of a life? Is it something that can be quantified, put down as “numbers”, “good deeds”, “bad”? And when your life, your existence, is at the cost of doing harm, what then? I’ve… [DRY CHUCKLE] I’ve saved the world…! The whole world! Does that… give me the right to… [SIGH] take what I need to survive…?

… And listen to him now, going for cliché Existential Questions from the get-go. At the same time, not very surprising from Jonathan “I’ve been quit from smoking for five years (which is why I had cigarettes on me)” Sims, it’s just your Typical Jon In Action.

(At the same, kind of worrying that if he goes for philosophising now, he could as well go for ~delighting in the sufferings of those [he] harms~, because what’s left, really?)

I’m still questioning heavily, though, what has been pushing Jon towards this or that statement lately. We know that for Eric’s tape, he purposefully picked one that he was prone to ignore, and identified that resistance as Beholding’s influence. What about the written statements? Since Annabelle’s taunt, we got a demonstration of Beholding being all-powerful (MAG148), hey-hey-hey-the-power-of-“I-love-you”-could-save-someone-from-The-Lonely / “gay love says f*ck The Lonely” (MAG150), Embracing Your Patron Makes You Feel Better (MAG152), You’re Never “Too Smart” To Avoid A Cult And Also Not Embracing A Fear Makes You Feel Miserable and Alone (MAG153); bonus, for all of them,  the fact that the Fear(s) at work were quite blatantly sneaking in through people’s own weaknesses, at a time they were vulnerable (was it an invitation to focus on that part of himself…?). MAG155 was once again about an avatar embracing their path, although with a lot of hypocrisy and… technically not a lot of love for their patron. The comparison was very obviously unflattering for Jon (Tova McHugh insisting that what happened to her wasn’t earned, that it wasn’t her time to die, that she was Necessary, refusing to die even at the costs of other people, agreeing that some of her trials and errors were cruel, while still… accepting what she did as fair, and not planning to stop, and not feeling guilty for it), and while a lot of the recent statements sound like Jon’s Life, the question is still open: is it Beholding pushing Jon towards specific statements? Annabelle, to roast Jon utterly? Or is it Jon being drawn to statements that match his own feelings and interrogations?

- … there was SUCH a cruel edge in Jon’s words and snappiness:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Earlier, when she was still out of it, I, uh… I “saw” some of the things she was talking about, some of the things she did, while she was police. I’m not convinced I disagree with her assessment. [PAUSE] Do you want me to tell you? BASIRA: No. No, I don’t.

It’s what Elias would have threatened to do?! Bad, Jon, bad D: (His tone really changes depending on who he’s talking to? There are so many silences and so much dryness with Basira, while he was frantic with Martin, tends to be very soft with Daisy, and careful and awkward with Melanie…)

- Uhoh… So Melanie is quitting-for-real, Daisy is dying, and Basira is apparently going looking both Julia&Trevor and Annabelle through London. The assistants were supposed to check on him:

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: We’re… all well aware that with Peter Lukas in charge of the Institute, it’s a very real danger to all of us. We are trying. Daisy, Basira and I, we don’t leave the Institute much anymore – so we do spend a lot of time together. It’s not that easy, though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences… [SIGH] sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re in the same room. … But it’s better than the alternative. And at least none of us is suffering alone.

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: Yes, no, I know, I’m sorry, uh– that didn’t… come out right. Honestly: thank you. [EXHALE] It’s been hell, but… I–I did need to hear it. MARTIN: Oh, hum… Uh, g–good. Heh. Are the others… helping? ARCHIVIST: Oh! [DRY CHUCKLE] They’ve been keeping a… very close eye on me…!

… but who will do that from now on? It really doesn’t feel like, logistically, Jon is currently being kept under surveillance? ;;

- ONE GOOD THING IN THE WORLD: the fact that Jon told the assistants quickly about that way of escaping!!

(MAG155) MELANIE: [INHALE] Thanks for… telling me, by the way. [INHALE] I–it didn’t look like it was easy for you. ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE] I–i–it wasn’t. I don’t think, uh… I don’t think “it” wants to lose anyone, but I thought… you of all people deserve the option.

It could go badly in many ways, but at least, he told them – unlike Gertrude, and unlike what Martin seemed to imply/assume…? So both fighting Beholding and refusing to follow Gertrude’s footsteps here.

Though yeah, Jon admitted that he wasn’t ready to do it himself. But the option that Melanie is going for does highlight that… there is a choice. And one of the Assistants is taking that option – if they don’t follow her example, it just means that, yeah, they’re making an implicit choice to stay, too.

(- Re:Gertrude, I didn’t really have time to ponder about it last week… but what if she did end up gouging out her own eyes, hence the blood in her office and the discrepancy between her two dates of death in March/May 2015? Because if it works to cut the connection to Beholding (I don’t think that Gertrude was as deep in as Jon currently is), then… maybe Elias wasn’t feeling her anymore, until he learned that she was still alive in May 2015…? He “assumed” she was dead the same way that Gertrude “assumed” that Eric had been killed by Mary:

(MAG154) ERIC: … Gertrude, I left the Archives months before she killed me. GERTRUDE: What?! No, that’s… that’s not possible. […] You… I’m sorry – you “quit”? ERIC: Yeah! I figured out how. GERTRUDE: I… I just assum– … How?

(MAG040) ELIAS: On the 15th of March last year, I had a query about a statement one of our researchers was after and went down to the Archives. Gertrude wasn’t there, but her desk was covered in blood. I, I called the police, and there was a huge search, but… there was no sign of Gertrude, alive or dead. She didn’t have any assistants, so there were no witnesses, and no-one saw or heard anything. The police tested the blood and confirmed the DNA matched to Gertrude, though I don’t know why they had her on file. They judged there to be almost a gallon of blood spilled, far more than the human body can lose and survive so, I assumed she was dead and left the investigation to the police, for all that good it did me.

… Counter-point, though: Gertrude recorded MAG087’s statement in April 2015, and it was a written one – so she could still see and/or there was Beholding magic allowing her to read though the statement without physically reading it, and both are not compatible with the idea that sacrificing your eyesight would cut your ties to Beholding…)

- It’s the second time recently (and the third this season) that Jon summarised The Unknowing as that time ~he saved the world~ and still no Tim mention although he squeezed the detonator :|

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: … I remembered Gertrude’s notebook; we found it alongside the plastic explosives, but it rather got lost amongst the business of… [SIGH] saving the world at the cost of two lives…

(MAG150) MELANIE: Helping it out… even in small ways, i–is in some way… evil too! Every time we try to use it to do good, it just seems to make everything worse, and… and I will not be a part of that anymore. ARCHIVIST: What about The Unknowing? We, we saved the world! MELANIE: Did we? I… I mean, I–I think it was the right thing to do, but how many people were killed to do it? We, we weren’t even a neutral party; we did it as agents of The Eye, because Elias told us to.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I’ve… [DRY CHUCKLE] I’ve saved the world…! The whole world!

(Also, “saved the whole world”: as opposed to what, Jon. Half of the world? … Alright, with Tova’s statement in mind and the idea that ~uwu I’m only taking one life now and then but meanwhile I’m doing so much good!~, that’s fair.)

- I’m a bit ? regarding one of Jon’s comments in passing:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been reading nothing but these old, [FLAPPING PAPER] dry statements for so long, I… [PAPER RUSTLING] I feel weak. Like I’m… fading away.

Because Annabelle had suggested that no, Jon hasn’t been able to read statements “silently” lately:

(MAG147, Annabelle Cane) “But think about it, Jon: when’s the last time you were able to read a statement quietly to yourself without instinctively hitting record and speaking it aloud? It is just instinct? Habit? Or is it a compulsion – a string pulled by the Ceaseless Watcher or the Mother of Puppets? Or both?”

And we can’t really say that Jon has stuck to old statements for soooooo loooooong – it’s been what, starting with MAG146 since Manuela’s live-statement (MAG144’s was read by Martin, MAG145 was one of Gertrude’s tapes), and Annabelle left her written statement fresh from the day in MAG147, so… Jon recorded five “old” statements since he was put on withdrawal. That’s… not a lot?

So, what is happening? I already felt that Annabelle might be misleading and over-exaggerating to mess with Jon, because Jon had provided some follow-up right after recording a few statements lately (such as with Eugene in MAG139: there was no static after his reading, and Jon still described the steel plant’s website, so… he had done his research before recording). At the same time, the cases of Jon’s victims demonstrated that the tape recorders hadn’t been recording everything spooky around Jon (the tape recorder only bothered with Floyd) – could it be the same with written statements lately…? Has Jon begun to read some aloud without us hearing them because the tape recorders aren’t clicking on…? If so, what would set apart the statements we heard as “important” enough to get recorded? With Floyd, we could make the argument that it was about Salesa – a well-known figure whose disappearance had long been (and is still) shrouded in mystery – while Jon’s other victims seemed to have been attacked by spooks not belonging to “our” recurring figures. But the statements Jon read which were recorded lately… didn’t deal with recurring figures either. Or are the tape recorders clicking on more or less weekly because, as Jon had put it in MAG123, they’re (independently from Jon) “hungry” too?

Alternative take (and, quite honestly, the one I’m digging the most): Jon Is Over-Exaggerating Again, You Stupid Idiotic Drama King. It’s just been five statements, but naaah, for Jon, it means that he’s been stuck with these old statements ~for so long~, because Jon Is Like That.

- Re: Jon Being Like That, another thing is that, during this scene:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Not like there’s any shortage of places to lay low. BASIRA: Hm. London is what, 600 square miles? ARCHIVIST: 607. BASIRA: [SIGH] Whatever.

… there wasn’t any static. On the one hand, it could be that the tape recorders are not reacting as much as they used to when Jon knows random stuff, or Jon has been Knowing… a lot of information lately and his actual acquisition of this Knowledge happened before this. On the other hand: I think it’s safe to assume that Jonathan Smartass Sims is JUST LIKE THAT and already knew about London’s exact total area, learning it through regular means years ago. It just screams “stupid precise details that Jon would know”.

This is probably why people already wanted to punch you when you were in uni, Jon…

- Something that has been very regular all through this season: Jon Knowing (with a flourish of static) who is going to enter his office before they do.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I just… What if they need me? What if. [SILENCE] [KNOCKING ON DOOR] [STATIC] ARCHIVIST: Oh. Come in, Melanie…! [DOOR OPENS]

I want to get cautious about that point, because thinking it over, I’m assuming that that is what is happening – Jon is talking, then we hear static, Jon stops and realises something, then invites whoever to “come in” – but technically, could it also be something else…? The tape recorders not reacting to Jon’s Knowing, but to another presence coming closer, every time?

(The idea that it’s a Knowing makes sense, but it’s been so regular, and… almost ritualistic? We got a scene like this every two Jon episodes. Why does Jon Know, every time, who is on the verge of entering his office, and almost every time when someone is close to his door (it wasn’t the case this episode, Melanie had the time to knock, and only then did Jon Know who it was)? Is it because he feels threatened by the outside world? Is it because he’s so connected with the Archives that he’s especially sensitive to when people are approaching? Is it because of his complicated relationship with doors – with his inner “door”, as described in MAG127, adding a few more issues because what’s behind is threatening to “drown” him?)

- When it comes to static… Since Basira asked about that moment, I’m thinking back about Jon’s call to Daisy in MAG153:

(MAG153) ARCHIVIST: This, well… The Corruption at work, if I had to guess, though with unsettling echoes of a… “Fleshliness”. I suppose– [STATIC RISING] … Wait… OH…! Uh… [CLEARS THROAT] [STATIC FADING] [BREATHES FASTER] [RUFFLING OF CLOTHES] [CHAIR SCRAPING] [DIALLING TONES] Yeah, uh, I think, hum, I think you should probably get down here–

(MAG155) BASIRA: Why did you call her, and not me? ARCHIVIST: Honestly, I panicked. Her name came up first on my phone.

And I wonder. It would be well-contained enough for Basira to ask Jon why he had called Daisy because she’s… a bit hurt, or at least realising that the fact that Jon’s instinct to call Daisy and not her meant a lot: that Daisy is a safe option, that Jon wants to rely on her, while Basira, because she kept snapping at Jon and didn’t show him any tenderness, wouldn’t be the person Jon would turn towards – and it would be enough to hurt Basira deeply when, indeed, she’s been cold and calculative since The Unknowing precisely because she wanted to be in control of the situation, and was dead-set on being the only reliable person around.

But… it’s true that when Jon made that call, there had been static right before. We know that there are influences at work: Beholding has been influencing Jon, Annabelle claimed to not “control” Jon but clearly showed that she could exert some influence, and we still don’t officially know what was the thing which made Martin stash tape recorders around the coffin to allow Jon to get out, but it was clear that it wasn’t only Martin’s idea. Could it be that Jon’s call to Daisy had been influenced, too…? And if so, why…? Because she was supposed to defend Jon? Because it was to tempt her to follow the call of The Hunt again, by putting her in contact with other predators…?

- Whether it had been a spooky influence or not… I’m now sad for Basira? Because it makes sense, on its own, that Jon wouldn’t have called her for help; but at the same time, Basira had been the “closest” to Jon all through season 4. She went to the hospital instead of Melanie, when Georgie called; she was the one who updated Jon on what had happened during his absence, then on Melanie’s condition when Melanie was free from the bullet but absolutely devastated. They went to Ny-Ålesund together and, although I was really fearing that Basira was planning to throw Jon under the bus there, when faced with an actual danger, it turned out that… Basira preferred to leave the Dark Sun alone rather than seeing Jon risk his life. Basira has made many mistakes this season, she tried to be the cold, emotionless, all-rational person who could get them all out alive. And she utterly failed: she cut herself off from Daisy for a while because Daisy was “dead weight” in her current state, and she damaged the friendly relationship she used to have with Jon.

- Jon haaaad a point when he threw in Basira’s face her hypocrisy re:Daisy’s past actions, because… we indeed knew she was a violent cop, and not only with spooks (Daisy hadn’t hidden it in MAG061); and although she was assuming that Daisy was “only killing monsters”:

(MAG091) DAISY: You been following me, Basira? BASIRA: Didn’t need to. I know what you do here. ARCHIVIST: [SHAKY BREATHING] DAISY: He tell you? BASIRA: He didn’t need to. You’re not that subtle. But I… I always thought you just killed monsters. ARCHVISIT: [HIGH-PITCHED CRY] DAISY: I do.

… it was still extra-judicial murders, committed by a member of the police. And Basira was fine with that. Basira, who was also disgusted when one of her colleagues’ death was rewritten to present him as a crooked cop (MAG075). Her sense of fairness/justice has always been very biased, Daisy Being Her Personal Bias, and it keeps showing in the way she still tries to defend Daisy’s actions as something Daisy wasn’t responsible for:

(MAG146) BASIRA: You’re a danger, Jon. A monster. You’re hurting innocent people. ARCHIVIST: So did Daisy…! BASIRA: Shut up! It’s not the same thing at all. DAISY: Basira… [EXHALE] He has a point. BASIRA: You didn’t know what you were doing! DAISY: [SIGH] BASIRA: And since you did, you’ve spent every waking hour resisting. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

(MAG155) BASIRA: And if she doesn’t, she might die. ARCHIVIST: Something you’re fine with in certain other cases. And something she’s made peace with. BASIRA: Because of the guilt she feels over the stuff The Hunt made her do…! It’s not her fault. ARCHIVIST: Earlier, when she was still out of it, I, uh… I “saw” some of the things she was talking about, some of the things she did, while she was police. I’m not convinced I disagree with her assessment. [PAUSE] Do you want me to tell you? BASIRA: No. No, I don’t. ARCHIVIST: … You knew, didn’t you? You knew the sort of things she did, and you let her. BASIRA: No, not exactly. I thought… [PAUSE] It’s not that simple. ARCHIVIST: It never is. But that doesn’t make it okay.

(Aouch, given how it is answering Jon’s protest from a few episodes:

(MAG148) ARCHIVIST: It’s not that simple…! BASIRA: No, it is. Or I put you down. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … That’s… I mean, that’s hardly… BASIRA: Daisy has been managing. ARCHIVIST: Daisy is… [PAUSE] [SIGH] Yeah. She’s managing.

Still, Jon, even if it’s to throw it in Basira’s face, that was a bit harsh for Daisy, although. Yeah. Fair. … ;; I wonder what he saw, exactly…)

Jon went through that phase a bit, too (because it felt better to think that Daisy wasn’t responsible nor to be held accountable for her past actions, since… it would have meant that he wasn’t either), and it’s really poignant how Daisy was able to stay firm with both of them (and Martin), repeating again and again that no, it was her doing:

(MAG132) DAISY: I hurt… a l–lot of people… and some who… who I shouldn’t have. Did you ever hear the, the story Elias told me? About what I did. How I am… He, he didn’t get a detail wrong. The Hunt… Hunger was in me all my life. Telling me who to chase, how to hurt them. I never needed to think… who I was outside of that. […] [PANTS] Y–you know what I thought wh–when I woke up here? I thought this was hell; I wa–, I was dead, and within hell. And I… eh, I–I knew I deserved it…

(MAG142) DAISY: [INHALE] I’m sorry, Martin. MARTIN: It’s alright. Wasn’t you. [INHALE] Not really. DAISY: No, it was. I hate… a lot of what I did back then; doesn’t mean I’m not… responsible for it, doesn’t mean it… wasn’t me.

(MAG153) ARCHIVIST: But it– … What if it kills you? DAISY: [CHORTLE] Always said I was dedicated to justice…! ARCHIVIST: Daisy! It’s not… You can’t think like that. DAISY: Jon. Do you have any idea how much damage you can do if you’re a police officer who wants to hurt people? How much the system will protect you? [SHARP INHALE FROM JON] I managed to keep most of it from Basira, but… ARCHIVIST: That wasn’t you, that was The Hunt! DAISY: … [SIGH] We were the same. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … You’d never known anything different. [SILENCE] DAISY: Because I never wanted to. All that time trapped was good for one thing: thinking. And I did a lot of it. I’ve made my choice.

(It’s also, hum. A bit sad for Jon, by comparison? Because Basira is dead set on defending Daisy, but Jon doesn’t have a “personal Basira” at the moment. Which is probably better, because he isn’t enabled or excused (I’m GLAD that Martin didn’t throw himself into Jon Apologism), but also, aouch, Jon sounds even more alone and isolated somehow.)

- They keep going back to the “people change”, “we (have) change(d)” but in itself, it. doesn’t mean a lot…? Are they improving, bettering themselves, learning from their mistakes? Are they worsening, spiralling, losing sight of other people’s feelings and well-being? In Daisy’s case, I feel like, indeed, she changed for a better version of herself, as she wanted (at least, she stopped doing harm, and she’s holding to it, and she’s tried to take care of Jon a bit, and to act as a bridge between Martin and the others…):

(MAG132) DAISY: But down here, where I… I can’t hear the… blood anymore, I d–, I don’t… I don’t know who I am without, without the chase… I just know… that I… I don’t like who I was back outside. I don’t want to be her again. I want… to be… better… […] I don’t want t–to be a s–sadistic predator again… I–I don’t want to… hobble around, like some pathetic, wounded prey either… I don’t know which would be worse. And I’m sc–scared, now, that I’ll never get the choice… ARCHIVIST: One thing I’ve learned, Daisy, is that we all get a choice. Even if it doesn’t feel like one.

Same for Melanie, who developed splendidly; … but meanwhile, Martin, Basira and Jon are… not exactly changing for the best so far? (;; It hurts especially with Jon, since I had really felt like he was changing for the better in season 3… And right now, uh. Except for the part where he’s sticking to trusting the others (… although not enough to tell them re: his victims, apparently), it feels like he’s undone a lot of his previous progress…)

- ANYWAY, YOU HAVE YOUR BIAS BASIRA, BUT BAD, BAD:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: How’s Daisy? [SILENCE] BASIRA: I don’t know. She’s recovered from your little… “confrontation”, but she’s still getting weaker. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] BASIRA: I’m worried she’s– ARCHIVIST: Yeah. […] BASIRA: I’m trying to convince her to go after them. To, er… “Hunt” them. ARCHIVIST: Why? BASIRA: Because I’m not going to lose her. ARCHIVIST: She goes Hunting again, you might anyway. BASIRA: And if she doesn’t, she might die.

Gooooods I feel so sorry for Daisy… The way she’s described, she felt to me like a wounded animal who has taken shelter in an isolated corner and is mostly waiting for death to snatch her up and release her…? And meanwhile, Basira is encouraging her to lose herself, to give up and give herself to The Hunt she absolutely wanted to quit… I do understand Basira’s position; she lived through “Daisy dying” once and she doesn’t want to experience that again… just like Martin regarding Jon:

(MAG129) ARCHIVIST: … What happened, Martin? [SILENCE] MARTIN: You died. ARCHIVIST: I came back. MARTIN: Yeah. [OPENS DOOR] I’m not gonna let it happen again. ARCHIVIST: … wait… Wait! W– [DOOR CLOSES] [SIGH]

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: You’re not happy she is back. BASIRA: I didn’t say that, Jon. I would never abandon Daisy and, having her back is… [SIGH] But right now, she’s dead weight. And I need to be able to travel light.

… But still. Season 4’s mood is feeling so sad for Daisy…

There is also the fact that Melanie is leaving and… I’m so glad for Melanie!! It’s what she deserved!! (Although she didn’t deserve what she had to do to be able to quit.) But I’m sad for Daisy given how it had felt like Daisy&Melanie had grown a bit closer, this season, compared to uuuh, their indifferent/rocky start in season 3:

(MAG112) DAISY: Couldn’t find Tim, but he’s gone with Martin and… the other one. BASIRA: Melanie. DAISY: Sure.

(MAG136) MELANIE: Well… uhm. Daisy’s been, erm… I’ve been keeping her company. Er, while… while Basira’s busy. She’s, er… ARCHIVIST: Oh, no, I, uh… I–I know. MELANIE: W–well, I’ve kind of got to… uhm. I’ve got somewhere to be. Do you mind if, if… she hangs around, with… […] [IN THE DISTANCE] Hum, yeah, he’s, he’s fine with it. So… [RUFFLING OF CLOTHES] [BREATHES] DAISY: Alright?

(MAG142) MARTIN: … Are you alright? DAISY: Yeah. Just a… a bit empty around here. You know? MARTIN: Not really. DAISY: Melanie’s out, and… [EXHALE] Jon and Basira’re still off.

(MAG146) ARCHIVIST: … So we’re going with her. DAISY: [SIGH] Come on, Mel. I’ll see if I’ve got a stab vest in your size. MELANIE: … Yeah. Sure.

(MAG147) DAISY: Here, Mel. MELANIE: What even are these? […] [INHALE] Uh, and… and, please, don’t… call me “Mel”. DAISY: What? Since when? MELANIE: Always. I’m… [SIGH] trying to be more… o–open about this… stuff. DAISY: Roger Wilco, Miss King. MELANIE: Mm! Better.

(MAG151) MELANIE: … Look, I… didn’t come here for a fight. I… just wanted to let you know what was going on. If you need me, I’ll be trying to get Daisy drunk.

It feels like Daisy is losing another “anchor” with Melanie’s departure…?

- Meanwhile, REALLY, Basira sounds very Hunt-y this season, uh? She had been running after leads, she had already managed to find and corner Martin, and she’s still at it:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Any luck? BASIRA: No. If they’re still around, they’re staying hidden. ARCHIVIST: Not like there’s any shortage of places to lay low. […] [INHALE] So, I guess we’ll want to look out for a pair of homeless serial killers now…! I’ll add it to the list. BASIRA: No sign of Annabelle either. ARCHIVIST: You’re still on that? BASIRA: You’re not? ARCHIVIST: … I–I mean, I don’t know how much she can predict or manipulate the future, but I think she’s proven she can at least avoid us finding her. BASIRA: Yeah, well. It makes me feel better. ARCHIVIST: I suppose that’s something.

I’m absolutely worried that she’s STILL TRYING TO FIND ANNABELLE… Because Elias had ~advised~ her to not get involved with The Web. And. Uh. Elias’s advice in the series tends to be a tiny bit prophetic.

(MAG037) MARTIN: Sorry… Look, Jon, I do think we should destroy the table, though. I mean, if it’s the one from Amy Patel’s statement. Just in case. ARCHIVIST: Elias told me the same thing. Luckily, he phrased it as advice rather than an instruction, so for now I’m more inclined to keep studying it. We’re not in the business of destroying knowledge.

(MAG117) ELIAS: Oh, and, Jon: technically, I can’t stop you, but I would heavily advise against bringing any… rogue… elements. MARTIN: You can just say Tim. ARCHIVIST: I will take it under advisement.

(MAG148) BASIRA: Or that we were being stalked by some freaky spider woman. Don’t tell me you didn’t know about that! ELIAS: Ah, uh, y–yes… W–well… To be honest, I’d… advise you to leave that one – well alone. BASIRA: Oh yeah? ELIAS: Uh! Look, look, look. I’ve… been doing this a long time now and, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about The Web, it’s that it plays its own game. All you can really do is… hope it doesn’t get in the way of whatever your plan is. Because the Spider usually wins…!

… I’m beginning to expect that if something ends up getting Basira… it will be because she went after Annabelle ORZ ORZ ORZ (And how ironic would it be, given how Basira so desperately tried to keep or regain some control this season…?)

- Okay, Melanie time: I’m so glad she’s jumping on that opportunity, that this season had been her time to find herself again and to take actions that would match her beliefs. She had already “abandoned” Beholding in a way, by refusing to serve it in any way (even seemingly harmless ones); now, she’s getting an actual way out without dying. There is an obvious heartbreaking disproportion between what it took for her to get trapped (just… accepting Elias’s job offer, signing a form) and what it takes for her to escape (gouging her eyes out and accepting to become blind), but I’m so glad she’s accepting it, that’s it’s not inflicted on her, that it’s her choice and that she has prepared herself to it.

(MAG155) MELANIE: No, Jon. I’m going to do it. [BREATH] I’m quitting. ARCHIVIST: Oh… [PAUSE] You’re… sure you’ve thought it through? I–I don’t know if we can look after you, you know? MELANIE: [BREATH] ARCHIVIST: A–afterwards. MELANIE: You don’t need to. I’ve…  I’ve made a few arrangements, and… [SHAKY INHALE] It’s going to be okay. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: Ho–honestly. I–I think it is. I, I can’t… be a part of this anymore, and if this is the price, then, I think I’m okay to pay it. [DEEP INHALE, EXHALE]

It really put the others’ decisions to stay into perspective, too: Basira seems to perceive blindness as a vulnerability that she can’t afford, Martin had sounded a bit like Gertrude (can’t do it now, always threats to take care of), Jon… is unclear (he did offer to Martin, Martin wasn’t convinced, and now Jon is not keen on going for it – is it because Martin was right? Or is it because, just like Basira for Daisy, Jon doesn’t want to leave without Martin):

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: I–I–I don’t know, I–I mean, I suppose? I–i–if your vision comes back, the Beholding probably does as well…! P–probably. But it’s not like it’s easy to only… blind yourself temporarily anyway, uh, I… MARTIN: Y–y–yeah… yeah, uh… Ha–have you told the others, or…? ARCHIVIST: No, you–you’re the first. MARTIN: Why? ARCHIVIST: … Because… uh, because I–I trust you, I– I’m trying to think about what to do, and I… Well… if I did try this, I… I don’t want to do it alone. MARTIN: [EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: But we could leave here. You and me; escape. […] [SIGH] No. No, o–o–of course, this was… stupid, you have your own plans going on, don’t you? MARTIN: I just… Look, I need to see this thing through with Peter to the end. If–if what he’s saying is even half true, I need to be there. […] You know I can’t do it, not now; you don’t want to blind yourself; you don’t want to die; what you want… is a reason to not do those things. So… you come to me. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MARTIN: Well… you’re welcome! B–because I can’t follow you on this one.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Have you… thought any more about what I said? BASIRA: Yeah. I don’t think I can. Daisy wouldn’t come if I didn’t, and… I’m not leaving her behind. Besides, both of us being blind would be… [PAUSE] Anyway, being stuck here isn’t exactly her main problem right now. ARCHIVIST: No, I suppose not. BASIRA: And with those Hunters still out there– ARCHIVIST: No, I understand. Just wanted to make sure you… [INHALE] knew you had the choice. [EXHALE] […] I suppose I have a way out, now. One that… wouldn’t even kill me – at least, I hope not. And yet, here I am still… Am I a coward? I just… What if they need me? What if.

We’re lacking Daisy’s reasons – is it because she thinks that she’s dead meat anyway? Because she would like to be in shape to protect the others from Trevor&Julia until the end? Because she fears that The Hunt would find its way into her again if she were to cut herself off from Beholding? Is it because she wants to “see” Basira until the end…?

(MAG132) DAISY: Uh… Scared. I–I’m, I’m, I’m scared. I’ve been scared the whole time here. Not just when it’s, when it’s cr–crushing, when it f–fills your, y–your mouth with d–dirt… I–it knows when to stop, wh–when to ea–ease back, so you don’t… don’t lose it or, or grow numb… L–leaves you terrified for when it s–starts a–again and, wh–when it does, you, you’re s–scared that it’ll… n–never–never stop… I thought, thought I’d… I’d ne–never see the s–sky again, never… never s–see Basira…

Daisy is also a special case in her relationship to Beholding because, contrary to everyone else, she knew what she was signing for. She had decided it was worth it, to get rid of Jon in her nightmares (and regain some control over them), and because Basira&Jon were trapped in the Institute. I can understand that… it would probably feel a bit pointless to her to undo that at this point…

- I’m heartbroken over Melanie, too, but mostly for the PAIN she’ll inflict herself??? I’m really glad that she’s agreeing to becoming blind, but… the way she’s going about it…

(MAG155) MELANIE: [DEEP INHALE, EXHALE] Got, uh… Got one of those awls, from the book repair suppliers, up in the library? [BREATH] If it can punch through books, it can punch through, uh…! ARCHIVIST: [SOFT GROAN] MELANIE: Well, it… it should do the trick. No reason to try and make it too complicated.

It’s going to be painful, she’s going to do it herself, and she’ll have to take care of both eyes. She’ll be doing it TWICE. One time, suffering through it, and then ANOTHER.

It’s also emphasising how she managed to regain her agency this season: from getting the bullet removed by Jon&Basira, without her consent, while she was asleep, to free her from The Slaughter’s influence – to explaining to Jon that she will stab her own eyes, with an item she’s carefully chosen, on her own, to get free from Beholding. Even the choice of the awl feels like a bookend (ha): it’s coming from the library, which had been… her initial reason for coming time and time again to the Institute, when she wanted to research ghosts:

(MAG063) MELANIE: Alright, can you not be an arsehole about it? I just need access to your library. ARCHIVIST: So talk to Diana, she runs the place. MELANIE: Yes. I don’t exactly have the “academic credentials” you guys demand. So I apparently need someone to vouch for me. And you’re basically the closest thing I’ve got to a friend here. […] ARCHIVIST: I’ll have a word with Diana, see if I can get you into the library.

I also love how it feels like she’s finally proving Elias wrong a bit…? He had told her, when she was trying to kill him, that she wasn’t doing it for a greater good but for her own selfish reasons:

(MAG106) ELIAS: You already have doubts, though. You’ve been talking with Tim, and have convinced yourself that– MELANIE: [DRY LAUGHTER] ELIAS: –even if I’m telling the truth, I’m too dangerous to live. MELANIE: Well. ELIAS: Whatever I’m planning needs to be stopped! Even if it costs a few lives. Including your own. MELANIE: Well, that’s n–not even– ELIAS: A rationalisation, of course. A lie, about your own selfishness, that you would rather be dead than trapped without the self-determination you prize so highly. I wish I knew the words to convince you it’s for the best.

And yes, there is still some of it, some of her pride, in her current choice. But back then, Elias had given the impression that her feelings were making her centre on herself; right now, I feel like her feelings and her willingness to denounce what she sees as wrong and horrible make her “expand”, make her inspirational and admirable? Melanie was a stark contrast with this week’s statement-giver…

- It’s also very fitting, for Melanie, of all people, to give up her sight to escape…? She used to be a Spooky Podcast Youtuber. She witnessed her first actual spooks through the lens of a camera. She noticed that Not!Sasha was different through her physical appearance. The first statement she read was about The Dark and someone believing that hiding from the creature’s sight would provide him safety. Elias had threatened to engrave the sight of her father’s death into her mind. She was the one to find Gertrude’s eyeless dolls in the storage unit.

(MAG028) MELANIE: I reached the door and, using the camera, I peered inside. […] In the camera’s small viewscreen I couldn’t see what was there, what was underneath, but it was dark and shiny. I will never forget the sound of the skin coming away from her arm. […] ARCHIVIST: You say you recorded video of the event? MELANIE: Yeah, I’ve given your guys a copy, but watching it back the recording is so distorted that you can’t really make anything out.

(MAG076) MELANIE: Sure. Where’s Sasha, by the way? I wanted to say goodbye. ARCHIVIST: I’m sorry? MELANIE: Sasha. Your assistant. I haven’t seen her in a while. You didn’t fire her, did you? […] You know who I mean. Tall, long hair, glasses… She was here when I first came in. Back last April? We had a long conversation about haunted pubs. ARCHIVIST: No, I… I remember. But that is Sasha.

(MAG106) ELIAS: I’m afraid that’s not really something I can do. I can promise not to make it worse, though. MELANIE: What…? No…! ELIAS: You know how your father really died, and I am sure that is unimaginably painful for you, but be aware, if I choose to, I can make you see it. [TAPE RECORDER HISSING AGAIN] MELANIE: No… no… ELIAS: If you try to interfere with me again, in any way, I will drive that image so deep into your psyche. But even if you are right, even if you live, it will be there every time you close your eyes. MELANIE: No… no…

(MAG113) ARCHIVIST: Found anything yet? MARTIN: Er… er… Bunch of… eyeless paintings? MELANIE: [JOVIALLY] Snap! Eyeless dolls. Oh, and. Just a lot of shredded newspapers.

I really hope that her “arrangements” mean that she’ll stay at Georgie’s and get all The Admiral’s cuddles, aaaaah…

- I was already feeling like Melanie was giving her goodbyes in MAG150, and it’s now even more definitive… And a bit like Tim’s last words to Jon?

(MAG119) ARCHIVIST: Tim!! [STATIC] What do you see? TIM: I see my asshole boss! W– wait… wait… […] ARCHIVIST: Tim! [STATIC] What’s in your hand? TIM: It’s… I don’t… the– the– … the detonator… […] Jon, I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can… ARCHIVIST: [FAINTLY AND FAR] Tim…? TIM: I don’t forgive you. But thank you for this.

(MAG155) MELANIE: [INHALE] Thanks for… telling me, by the way. [INHALE] I–it didn’t look like it was easy for you. […] … I, I won’t… be around, after this, but I’ll–I’ll leave details, in case you need to get in touch… [INHALE] Hum… but… ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … I understand. […] We’ll… miss you. MELANIE: Wish I could say the same…! ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. [INHALE] Do you… need any, uh… help?

Grateful for something right that Jon did (giving them a choice, the artefact/information they could work with to make that choice), while still pointing out that no, staying around hadn’t been a great time.

EL-O-EL about that bit:

(MAG154) MELANIE: It’s, it’s the rest of you I’m worried about. ARCHIVIST: [SCOFF] We’ll be fine. Always have been. MELANIE: Not always. ARCHIVIST: No… I guess not.

Jon, You’ve Never Ever Been Fine since you began working in the Archives.

- I’m So Glad About That Last Dig At Elias, he deserved it.

(MAG155) MELANIE: I’ve left a proper resignation letter, on Lukas’s desk. It was quite satisfying to write, actually. Almost made me wish it was Elias! ARCHIVIST: [CHUCKLING] MELANIE: He would have hated me not serving out my two weeks-notice, huh! Not sure… Lukas even knows who I am…! … Probably for the best.

(!! About the fact that Jon, too, was cracking up a bit.)

And at the same time, wow: Elias has been away for more than a year, Melanie only got him as a boss for less than six months… and he’s still marked her so deeply that she spontaneously thought about what would upset him. Understandable given that, unlike Peter, yeah, Elias had been the one to trap her, traumatised her and was the overall cause of an added bunch of miseries, but still, aouch that he scarred her so deeply ;;

Also, Oh No, Melanie, Peter does know your name ;;

(MAG120) MARTIN: So what now? PETER: Well, if you could send Melanie and Basira up to see me, I’d like to introduce myself.

I’m not expecting Peter to do… anything about Melanie leaving, honestly, since he already told Martin he wouldn’t intervene for stuff the Archival staff decided on their own. But he knows her name, that’s probably never good. (… It also means that, even if Jon has had access to MAG120’s tape (which we still don’t know), he didn’t share that one with the class.)

- Things I’m Worried About:

* Peter will certainly not read Melanie’s letter, but Martin, however… And how will he take it? Panicking because he’d feel that Jon was a bit more serious about that idea than he had assumed? There is also the fact that he sold himself to Peter to protect the others, so Basira and Melanie at the time – and now, turns out that Melanie… is leaving. Just like that. Martin doesn’t want to stop The Extinction for Peter or because he’s indebted, quite clearly; but still, there is something very bittersweet in the fact that Martin went through isolation, cut his ties with the others because he wanted them to be safe… and didn’t get anything in return. Peter never lifted a finger to protect them and, now, turns out that Melanie can and wants to leave. It feels like Martin’s early sacrifices were already for nothing…

* Will Melanie’s dreams come back, if she’s not under Beholding’s ~protection~ anymore? (If she’s able to “see” him, will she notice something different in the Jon from the dreams…? How bad are the nightmares, nowadays? Had Jon gone from watching passively to enjoying them…?)

* Jon was hypothesising that Beholding might not want “to lose anyone” and I’m fearing Elias’s reactions a bit?? Will Melanie cutting her ties hurt Elias? Will it hurt Jon? (I also would be interested to hear about Melanie visiting Elias one last time, for the Satisfaction and the parallel with Rayner visiting Robert Montauk in prison?).

* I don’t think this is the last we’re hearing from Melanie, because she wouldn’t be written off like that (especially given how the medium is sound-based). But I have trouble picturing how we could still hear her in happy circumstances. Would she visit the others? Would the others go visit her…?

* Squintsquintsquint that we still don’t know if Melanie’s therapist is an absolutely normal therapist, or a spook. I think that in any case, Melanie was given actual therapy which allowed her to think about herself and what she wanted to do (I don’t think that the bottom line would be that she was ~manipulated into thinking that it was acceptable to stab her eyes~: it would be too iffy, I really believe it was her own choice coming from her actual feelings), but it doesn’t mean that the therapist has to be absolutely harmless and inoffensive on her own.

* …………………….. how come that Melanie was able to say “I’m quitting” and to write her resignation letter………………..

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: But I understand it’s a big thing. We’ll keep looking. Maybe there’s a–another way we c– MELANIE: No, Jon. I’m going to do it. [BREATH] I’m quitting. ARCHIVIST: Oh… [PAUSE] You’re… sure you’ve thought it through? I–I don’t know if we can look after you, you know? […] MELANIE: I’ve left a proper resignation letter, on Lukas’s desk. It was quite satisfying to write, actually.

We know through Martin and Tim that “something” was preventing them from doing it:

(MAG039) ARCHIVIST: No… We’re clearly doing a whole heart-to-heart thing and, truth be told, the question’s been bothering me. You’ve been living in the Archives for four months, constant threat of… this. Sleeping with a fire extinguisher and a corkscrew. Even you must be aware that that’s not normal for an archiving job? Why are you still here? MARTIN: Don’t really know. I just am. It didn’t feel right to just leave. I’ve typed up a few resignation letters, but I just couldn’t bring myself to hand them in. I’m trapped here. It’s like I can’t… move on and the more I struggle, the more I’m stuck. […] It’s just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too. We all are, I think. [SIGH]

(MAG065) TIM: You’re firing me? ARCHIVIST: … I’m offering you a chance to quit. No notice period, I’ll even make sure you get the rest of the month’s paycheck. [PAUSE] Just say the words. [STATIC RISES] TIM: I want to. ARCHIVIST: So do it. TIM: I… … can’t. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Why not…? TIM: I… I… I–I can’t! I don’t know… Why can’t I quit?! ARCHIVIST: I–I don’t know. But I don’t think I can fire you either.

So how come Melanie was able to do it even before cutting ties? It is because she was emotionally straining herself away from Beholding already? Is it because Jon has been subconsciously keeping the assistants prisoners, and already knew (and had accepted) that Melanie didn’t want to feed Beholding? Is it because Elias did something, or because he’s not there? Is it because of Peter’s influence diminishing Beholding’s on the Institute…?

- Aaaah… the way Lydia plays Melanie is so… I don’t know how to describe it, but hearing Melanie, I’m often… almost discomforted. There is something grating, unstable, but in a good way – as if talking is painful for Melanie, words rasping against her throat? The uneasiness, the fear, the anxiety, the pain are just slipping through so efficiently? I could only hear the pain in the way Melanie talked about what she was going to do… (The way she simply breathes, too: her inhalation/expiration feel very heavy usually; and in this episode, we could also hear her trying to smooth them up, to calm down a bit?)

- … Okay, so, Melanie is planning to do it now, in the next five minutes, and I’m extremely grateful that we’re not hearing that on-tape:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. [INHALE] Do you… need any, uh… help? MELANIE: [INHALE] No. I’ve got this. [BREATH] But if you, hum… if you could… [INHALE] In five minutes… ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I would appreciate it if you could call me an ambulance. ARCHIVIST: [SHAKY INHALE] … Right.

… but also extremely surprised that the tape recorder, that nosy thing, hasn’t just followed her and popped up in the room when she’d be doing it, in order to gleefully witness her agony. They did it with Jon when he tried to cut his fingers; why doesn’t it want to listen to Melanie’s suffering, to record someone cutting ties with an Outer God…?

- In advance: poor hospital nurses who will have to fetch Melanie. They’re probably used to it (even unspookily), but I do hope that it won’t lead to more people signing their equivalent of Section 31. Though, if it’s like with the police, things happening within the Magnus Institute are automatically labelled as spook-cases, so they could send staff already in the know…

I really doubt that there’ll be any investigation due to an employee gouging her eyes out in her own workplace, since it’s the Institute, but… I do hope there is none. Section 31 officers used to be searching for Daisy, back in season 3, and Elias had pointed out they wouldn’t hesitate to go for the kill in MAG092. If Melanie’s self-mutilation gives them an opportunity to go back to the Institute, it could go even worse so quickly for the remaining assistants…

- I think I was in the minority who had found the beginning of season 4… not exactly “hopeful” but still leaving place for hope, for an ascending curve. Technically, although the first few episodes were exposing to us (through Jon) how things had become hard and precarious during Jon’s coma (Tim dead, Daisy “dead”, Martin absent and working with Peter, Melanie overtaken by her fury, Basira closed off and distrustful), it was quickly followed by Jon improving the situation, getting the assistants back: removing Melanie’s bullet (MAG125), leading to Melanie being able again to define herself not solely through her anger (MAG131) and seeking therapy to try to get better (MAG136); managing to find Daisy in the coffin and to get her out (MAG132), leading to Daisy staying firm on her rejection of the call of The Hunt (MAG140, MAG142), to the point that she would rather die than follow her “blood” again (MAG153, MAG155). To a certain extent, Jon had also managed to score a few points with Basira, enough for her to open up about her research and her plans regarding Ny-Ålesund (MAG140), bringing Jon with her and not planning to sacrifice him nor being keen on the idea of Jon sacrificing himself (MAG143); same with Martin, in a way – their first exchange (MAG124) was a disaster, but Jon was able to tell him “I miss you” during the second one (MAG129), and as audience, we had heard Martin (MAG126, MAG134, MAG138) and we knew that Jon and the assistants still mattered to him much more than he let on when trying to avoid Jon. Even the reveal of Helen’s occasional presence in the tunnels sounded, at first, like potential good news – The Distortion had helped against Jared’s attack, protecting the assistants, and was keen on helping Jon.

The second half has been souring most of the small victories: first by revealing that, all through this, Jon had actually been attacking people, re-traumatising five persons and trapping them in Beholding’s grasp (MAG142 making it very clear that it’s really, reaaally not “just a few bad dreams”). The Distortion, too, wasn’t actually that benign: Helen had been consuming a few persons, including someone that Jon’s team had been able to contact back in season 1. Daisy’s withdrawal from The Hunt is literally killing her. Basira has been confronted multiple times about her hypocrisy and isn’t improving in that regard. Martin has actually grown “comfortable” with his isolation and he’s both going for a self-sacrifice and unable to communicate with others without it turning dry, snappy and hurtful – Jon included (MAG154).

On the other hand, although it will be with a cost and not without pain, Melanie might be managing to get out for real, which, yay!! … But it also really feels like she is actually jumping off the boat right before it begins to sink…?

(I’m getting a bit of a The Fall of the House of Usher vibe, lately, feeling like things are slowly dissolving and crumbling…? Characters are in standby, waiting; it doesn’t sound like Jon and Daisy can carry on like this for very long, Martin is not planning to come back, Basira is still running into danger. I have no idea what is supposed to happen, what could be the driving forces in the season finale (we know that Annabelle has her own agenda and is keeping a close eye on the Archives, interfering when Jon went astray; Julia&Trevor are back as threats; we can guess that Peter might have a hidden agenda; Elias has proven that he could still be damaging and get what he wanted from afar; there is still the matter of Dekker’s whereabouts; there are still suspicions about Melanie’s therapist…) but, the closer we get to the end of the season, the more trouble I have picturing that season 5 could still take place within the Institute? I don’t know, especially given that the tunnels and the remnants of the old Millbank prison have their importance, I’m not sure that the building in itself will still be standing by the end of the season…? How could Jon, Basira and Daisy keep “living” at the Institute in the same state as now, still fading/dying, once Martin&Peter have made their move…?)

My first instinct for MAG156’s title is Gundam Wing Endless Waltz Gundam Wing Endless Waltz Gundam Wing Endless Waltz “Beholding” again? (The word or variations of it popped up in a lot of Eye statement, and I’m especially thinking about MAG060 and Christopher Meyer’s mirror; it was also used metaphorically by Smirke to describe his relationship to Jonah Magnus.) Or Spiral, especially The Distortion’s corridors? Or Stranger? Or a last Extinction statement before the end of the season…? (Basically: a Coraline episode.) Or Peter Lukas talking alone for 20min? Or Elias monologuing?

When it comes to Archives Drama, I’m expecting introspection again, and/or more pseudo-philosophising from Jon, and/or something about Daisy and Jon… But I’m also thinking about “basically another MAG117 – Testament”, so ;; Could be Martin’s last thoughts before going for it…?

[sundaynightnovels]

12/12/12 Tag Game

i’ve been tagged by @kidsarentallwrite​& @insearchof-solace​ for this, so thanks!! i’ll answer their two separate sets of questions here with two different characters! Rules: Answer 12 questions as an OC, make 12 questions and tag 12 people i’ll answer the first set with the main character from like all things out of season - shou & the next with the next main character, zhen! Shou:  1. Ever get the feeling your life is like a movie… or a book? Shou: hm, that is certainly an intriguing question. I have no idea what you mean by a ‘movie’ -- i suppose it must be a recent invention -- though with regards to a ‘book’, i certainly do think that life is like a book. how else do we write, if not from being inspired by life’s smallest joys and biggest misfortunes?  though books certainly have a gamut of far more varied uses than simply storytelling.  2. Any guilty pleasures we should know about? i... ah. i have nothing, uh, guilty to speak of. i hold no guilt towards my actions! as a dignified person, you must take full and complete responsibility for all that you do, with the utmost pride in your sense of self and being! how could you fully enjoy something without absolutely embracing it? there can be no guilt in pleasures! (hears someone pointed clearing their throat from the side) uh... ah, yes, certainly, i have no guilty pleasures... (an even more pointed throat-clearing) i... alright, i will admit it! perhaps i do have one of such, ahem, guilt, that you speak of. it is too much! i have not had a taste of food since the beginning of time! could you fault me for the sugared gourds that i had procured from zhen’s hands? could you fault me for the first food i had put in my mouth in a millennia???

3. Nipples for eyes or eyes for nipples? this is an utterly distasteful question! how could you compare such things? eyes are necessary tools for observation! i cannot live without them! 4. What’s the worst joke you know? ah. well, i... it is embarrassing, but it is something that i am extremely proud of. it is not often that you make up a joke and have everyone laugh at it, and for it to weather the ages of time into immortality! it is, certainly, considered ‘bad’ in the eyes -- ah, ears -- of the, well, accused, but well. (stifled chuckles) the name that we had given lu comparing him to a certain, ah, long-eared animal. that was to my credit. 5. If you had control over an element, which would it be? control over one of the natural elements that preside this world? how is that possible? how could you even suggest wielding such absolute power? that is sacrilegious! ... though air would be a good element to helm. it is a good barrier against the sun. 6. You’re the ruler of your country for a day. What do you do? ah, i would not like that. too much power begets greed, and i must say, greed would not be a good look on me.  i don’t think the golds of the powerful and rich would suit my skin tone. 7. Tell us something about your family? ... i don’t remember. 8. When playing truth or dare which are you more likely to choose? i will give you an advice that you must hold on to no matter what: you do not ever choose ‘dare’.  not with the miscreants who reside in this town. you would be battered and beaten, stripped of all dignity and honour and pride. it would be a fate worse than death. 9. One thing you can’t live without? ... i guess there is nothing, since i am already dead and i am still, somehow, holding on. 10. Someone you love unconditionally? i don’t think i have sufficient pieces in the puzzle to answer this question, though... there must be someone. 11. What’s a secret you could never tell? ... i don’t quite know how to put this. it is difficult to fathom, though i do have an idea on what it is.  i have been seeing phantoms, specters -- things that should not be. or perhaps ‘seeing’ is not the right word. it scares me, but i feel that it must be important, though it eludes me at every turn. i don’t think i can tell anyone. this is a secret that i must hold close. 12. How do you want to die? if you mean a second death, well. i don’t know. if death is this, it doesn’t seem all that bad. Zhen:

1. If you could have any animal (real or from fiction) as a pet, what would it be? Zhen: what are you talking about? i already have a pet. didn’t you hear shou? there’s a donkey waddling around town and that’s my animal. that’s my ass!

2. Most niche subject you know about? eh. if you mean the art of procrastination, i would have a phd in it -- if i weren’t, you know, procrastinating on it. or do you mean the delicate skill of evading lu’ wandering hands as i prepare a meal?  that requires a lot of skill, indeed. i am very talented.

3. What’s one thing people keep getting wrong about you? lu is not my kid! like i keep saying, he’s my pet! damn, do you think i’m a girl ready for parenthood? if i am, it’ll definitely not be to take care of lu! he’s the worst!

4. Biggest regret so far? ah. should have slapped teng with two fishes. that slime trail down one side of his face suits his face, he should have that makeup done on the other side too.

5. What’s something you wish you could change about your body, if anything? my body should have pockets or something, or be equipped with a warship! a warship that’ll stop lu from stealing all my goddamn food all the time!! (gives a side-eye glance to a person off-screen) and a burglar alarm. damn, when you think you can trust men... they just gonna start stealing all your food after you’ve placed your faith in them, huh?

6. Do you prefer standing or sitting? is there a third option? i’d like a ‘lying down’ please, so that’ll be a horizontal standing. see, i’m not too lazy after all. i prefer standing!

7. Are there any recurring things in your dreams? ... recurring things in dreams aren’t good, huh? well then. 

8. Sweet or savory? i mean, i like my sweet stuff, but since my sugared gourd is always being taken i don’t have much chance to savour it, right? damn, men are the worst. but i like savoury stuff too. sometimes you just need that sodium choking up your system, am i right?

9. Does fame appeal to you dude. bro. my child. i have fame. in terms of a thousand debtors chasing after my back and a million fans chanting for me to open up stall. it is too much pressure. it is too much demands, too much responsibility, too many people hampering after my food like a millionaire hungering after the lifeblood of its workers and seriously can’t they just give me the money without me giving them the food? they’re my fans, right? fans should love wholeheartedly, right? they should just give me the money. right????

10. What’s the worst thing you’ve done to someone? what, are you the police? you gonna catch me?

i mean, yea, go ahead. free food and lodging -- come at me.

11. What’s your go to pastime? horizontal standing. 24/7. yes, i love my exercise. i am nuts for the gym. give me a horizontal standing position, stat! 

12. Do you miss your childhood? childhood? it depends on which part of it you’re talking about.  i miss it. but i don’t deserve to get it back.

tags & questions below cut!

1. who do you look up to most in the world? 2. what is your most cherished memory? 3. what is your favourite mode of entertainment? 4. if you could change something about your past, what would it be? 5. who would you hate to become in the future? 6. what is the one food you can eat for all of eternity? 7. when do you feel the most alone? 8. night person or day person? 9. what is the one thing you can easily give up in your life? 10. what is the one thing you can never sacrifice? 11. what do you think is your fatal flaw? 12. what do you want your character arc to be? tagging @aslanwrites @klywrites @kaigods @cabaretofwords @tenacious-scripturient @bookenders @mvcreates @dcdarrells @ohlooksheswriting @pen-for-sword @inexorableblob @xiuguri

[catgirlxox]

The Significance of Ben’s Characterization in Season 3 of Alien Force Onwards

There has been quite a bit of controversy surrounding Ben’s characterization in season 3 of Alien Force onward. Ben is criticized for downgrading as a character, and just generally being written much worse than he was in the previous two seasons. Although there is definitely a shift in the way his character is presented, I would like to go over the why - aside from the writers’ decision to make him “more like his ten year old self”, which seems to be what the majority conclude his later characterization to. My point is not to defend everything the writers decide to do with his character, I only want to defend my favourite character by trying to understand where Ben himself would have been coming from since these events are still canon and true to his story. 

This “new attitude” begins to be apparent in the episode “Vengeance of Vilgax.”  I would argue this is the beginning of Ben’s “hero” identity really becoming a permanent aspect of his immediate life since he has obviously gained quite a large amount of notoriety from Alien Force’s seasons 1-2 concluding with establishing peace between the Highbreed and the rest of the Universe in “War of the Worlds.”  

I mean, when did he even get all of this?!

Being “Ben 10″ the “superhero” has become kind of a big deal at this point in his life. Not that he was unheard of before, but, like I said, this “title” is now much more permanent since he has proved that he is capable enough to stop, not only a war, but a xenocidal mass murder of every species in the Universe along with the Highbreed. And that this was ultimately done without resorting to complete violence, which is why I would say it is more important that peace was established between races rather than “a war was stopped.” 

Just to give Ben the credit he deserves, everyone depended on him to come up with a solution. To put this into perspective, all the pressure is on a fifteen year old to think of a way to stop an alien invasion which intends to commit alien genocide. 

Even Azmuth, who is very intelligent and probably has an even better understanding of what the Omnitrix can do than Ben, ended up saying “all is lost, they are too powerful to fight.” 

Ben realized that fighting the Highbreed to the death was not a solution because it promotes death on one side of the battle. It was more important to establish peace because that way, nobody “loses.” Everyone can continue to live - a hero’s job is to save lives. 

Furthermore, as we were shown throughout Seasons 1-2, this kind of work starts to become increasingly prevalent in his life. In other words, it starts to become his whole world. And as you might guess, that takes up a lot of his time. I'd say the amount of time he spends fighting aliens only increases the longer he does it. 

Being a “superhero” is a 24/7 job. There is no “schedule.” 

So even if he values the work he does and likes his job, doesn't that mean he has less time for himself?

You might say that this kind of rationalization is selfish since Ben chose to do this work out of selflessness. But, does choosing to do work which involves putting your own life on the line mean one must also sacrifice their own individual private identity? 

Does he automatically becomes only a an “alien superhero” and no longer has the right to be a human? 

In “Vengeance of Vilgax”, Ben is late for a mission with Gwen and Kevin because he was immersed in his free time, watching TV and being awarded another metal. 

On a separate note, Gwen and Kevin had an unusually hard time taking down Ssserpent. They should be powerful enough to do that in less than the hour they claimed to be fighting him for before Ben finally showed up. That only proves that Ben is the reason they win half the time - he really is the most powerful. This could have been because they were inexperienced with Ssseprent, but even so Ssserpent shouldn't be that hard to defeat because they absolutely have more than enough experience fighting much more dangerous offenders. Ben didn't even put that much effort into stopping him so that probably aggravated them even more. 

This is where his "arrogant" attitude comes in. Although I can see how his attitude would be taken as arrogant, I believe the bigger issue moving forward is a lack of caution when Ben is confident in his abilities. Which, in the given circumstances, he has the logical right to have. Anybody who has access to as much power as Ben does would realize how capable they are and in turn develop a level of confidence. The problem with this is that fact that it might lead them to either underestimating their opponent or overestimating their chances of being successful. Realizing one’s own strength can be both a blessing and a curse. 

Later in the same episode, Kevin brings up the idea to hack the Omnitrix, and because neither Ben nor Kevin seem to have much caution going into this operation, it backfires on them. Hacking the Omnitrix was a bad idea with even worse consequences. But, this was not just done out of stupidity. They were about to go up against Vilgax - who they haven’t seen since “Secret of the Omnitrix” and is now allegedly much more powerful. Keep in mind, Vilgax probably showed up again due to word of Ben 10′s recent success spreading across the Galaxy. Vilgax prepared himself to fight Ben 10 and end him.

They knew that they would need the best the Omnitrix could offer to take him on successfully. They had a justified reason, but it was absolutely still a bad idea. 

I get the feeling that many of us seem to think Ben has become a whole new character, possibly a “worse” character than he was in the first two seasons of Alien Force. “Vengeance of Vilgax” exists to set up a character flaw to demonstrate that Ben is human, and humans are not generally overpowered perfect Gods. Being a human means being fallible. But being a fallible human does not mean that one is no longer capable of being inspiring or successful. It does not make you a failure or useless. 

It must be even more damaging to think that, while part of you is strong, the “real” you underneath the superpowers is not as “great.” Would you not try to match that strength on both sides of your identity? 

Because Ben is written as a character who becomes a superhero by choice rather than being born super powered, there is a balance to be established between being the ideal version of himself that the Universe expects and not losing his true self in the process of fulfilling this “destiny.” 

Just because this flaw is being written into his character, it does not mean all his previous traits are erased. Something that is still constant is Ben’s motivation to do the right thing. Every time there is a scene where Ben interacts with Max, his tone of voice is more serious and he pays close attention to Max. This comes from his human connection to his Grandpa and all that he has learned from him. This is his vulnerable, human side. 

Max: It’s almost showtime, Ben, and I’ve been thinking. Vilgax is Plumber business. Good as you are, you’re still just a kid. I’ll take him on.

Ben: This is my fight, grandpa. Vilgax challenged me, and I’m the one with the Omnitrix. At least most of it.

Max: You’ve got less than an hour, Ben.

Ben: I’ll be there. And I’ll win. Love you, grandpa.

He jokes around, but he is not insensitive. 

Ben: “Hey, Kevin, why don’t you change back to normal? You've been ugly for like 40 miles.”

Kevin: “I can’t.”

Ben: “What?”

Kevin: “I can’t!”

Kevin: “Let me bring you up to speed, hero. Thanks to you, I can’t turn back. I’m a monster.”

Ben: “I’m sorry, Kevin. I didn’t know. I was just kidding around.”

That is because Ben has not just been reduced to “an arrogant jerk”, he is still the same person we have known the entirety of the series. And just like anybody would, he is reacting to the circumstances in which he finds himself in at this point in his life. People generally, in terms of personality, are not just one way their entire lives. Especially when the person we are talking about is a teenager who has been through much more than any other average teenager you may know. And on top of that, will continue to be faced with increasingly difficult situations as he gets more and more invested in the life of a superhero. 

If that is the case, how much would it help him to give in to every insecurity that might stand in his way? He has dedicated himself to being “Ben 10.” This responsibility only gets heavier as time goes on. Why else would Vilgax feel the need to acquire the powers of the greatest heroes of ten worlds in order to “prepare” to take on Ben again? Vilgax perceives Ben as a threat to his own strength. This is ironic because there are moments throughout the series where, even though his enemies think highly of him, he seems to believe he isn’t as great as they say. He needs to match the heroic greatness with his own personality, and that is where this shift in characterization comes from. It is entirely an emotional thing. 

The following are episodes which fall under Season 3 Ben’s supposed problematic Characterization: 

 “Simple”

This is even more proof of almost every species in the Universe having a very high expectation for “the great Ben 10.” He stopped one war, he could stop their war too, they seem to believe.The problem is that these aliens don’t seem to have any grasp on what it means to have so much responsibility. And when this is what is being asked of him, do you really expect Ben to not at least try?

“Vreedle, Vreedle / Don’t Fear the Repo”

The most important part of this episode in terms of Ben’s characterization was his dialogue in court. If just taken at face value, his words can be interpreted as very self-centered. But keep in mind at this point in time almost every being in the Universe who has heard of Ben Tennyson thinks very highly of him. 

In order to convince the court to take his side, he plays up his attitude to match this reputation. You’ll even notice the way he says it sounds “acted.” 

“Your honor, I am Ben Tennyson - The Ben Tennyson. Wielder of the Omnitrix, saviour of the Universe. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. I need you to do me a little favor, Judgey. There’s been a little mix up here. Ship is part of my team now. That’s, the famous Ben Tennyson’s team. Say, ever seen an Omnitrix up close before, Judge?”

“Judge Domstol. Dom, may I call you Dom? These things can happen when you’re chosen to bear the awesome responsibility of the Omnitrix.”

“The court rules in favour of...Ben Tennyson. There is no reason the wielder of the Omnitrix should have to bother himself with petty matters such as this. I apologize for wasting your time, Mr. Tennyson.”

It seems that if they had just tried to explain the matter in the way Kevin was attempting to, Baz-El would have won because, legally, Ship was his physical property, not Julie’s. But because Ship helped out during the Highbreed war, that makes him a part of Ben 10′s team and therefore it would be in an injustice to a very important public figure such as a superhero if the property had been repossessed, as well as an injustice to the rest of Universe because Ben 10′s team works to promote galactic peace.

Aside from that, another part of Season 3 onwards was the argument that “Ben was a jerk to his girlfriend.” Here, you might come to believe so because this episode makes it seem as though Ben doesn't care about Ship being Julie’s “dog.” The reality of the matter is that Ship is not “a dog.” Julie sees him as a dog only because she doesn’t have as much experience with alien technology as Ben does so it makes sense for Ben to perceive Ship as the Galvanic Mechamorph that he is. He should have his guard up when it comes to alien technology. What selfish reason would Ben have to not want Julie to have Ship anyway? Would it be so far fetched to assume Ship could potentially harm Julie? 

“Ghost Town”

According to Gwen, what Ben did here was “really really stupid.” 

He threw himself into Ghostfreak so that the rest of Vilgaxia would no longer have to endure his slavery. Ben’s intention was not to hurt anyone, especially not Gwen or Kevin and while he was possessed by Ghostfreak. He probably had no idea what was happening around him anyway! He didn't just act oblivious because he “didn't care.” That’s not like Ben to do at all. 

“The Secret of Chromastone” 

This episode is a great example of what was started in “Vengeance of Vilgax.” Not only does he have much less time for himself, but something like having a cold doesn't mean his job ends. 

Even if Ben did stay home, Tetrax would probably still find him to get to Chromastone. Being the wielder of the Omnitrix is still relevant in times where he probably feels less than heroic, whether he likes it or not. 

“Above and Beyond”

This episode might not have worked so well if it had been done in a previous season because Ben’s characterization here is very specific. The first time Ben went up against Manny and Helen in the season one episode “Plumbers Helpers”, they actually seemed to overpower him.  

I would argue that since then Ben has built up this confidence, so it allows him to believably pretend to be “evil” because he realizes what he is potentially capable of. This episode shows us how unstoppable he would be if morals weren’t a factor and he didn’t hold back. 

Contrast this with how unsure he was in “Ben 10 Returns” about whether he would even be able to do it without Max. Well, here, he is doing all of this without Max. 

“The Final Battle”

“Azmuth help me! Please! Just so I can help them.” 

The final episode of Alien Force, where Ben is shown having a very significant internal conflict after being forced to hand over the Omnitrix to Vilgax. If you put this turn of events into perspective, realize just how much it must weigh on him. He has previously proved to be so capable of defeating Vilgax easily. The entire Universe put him up on a high pedestal this entire season. 

It probably made him feel useless, like he really didn’t deserve to be so praised for everything, that it was all because of the Omnitrix. 

Is it the tool he had that lead him to act like a hero, or his selfless ambition to use this opportunity to do good? 

After all, anybody can be armed with a weapon, but it is then up to that person to chose what they will do with it. And now that he has chosen to use it to help others, that is what he is expected to continue to do. 

I feel like he needed this arc to establish how having the entire Universe begin to depend on him can affect him for better and worse. This was the transition from being a vigilante superhero, to well known on a galactic level, to world famous in Ultimate Alien. Moving forwards through the series as he ages, I would say there is definitely an improvement in how much of a hero he believes he is, and how he goes about doing his work as he settles into the reality that he can no longer be “normal.” The whole entire Universe is in his hands and he is expected to live up to their expectations of him. 

That is enough to make anyone start acting “different.”  

As he comes to accept this moving forward, just by his actions you can see it is not always an “act” he puts on to be considered “a hero.” This is especially apparent in the Ultimate Kevin arc. He so very cautious about Kevin's rampage that he couldn't allow him to hurt anybody else. Which is what led him to consider that putting him down might have to be a possibility. During the Ultimate Aggregor arc in general, Ben is always shown to be attentive to the immediate problem at hand. He is not so focused on appearing to be “the great Ben Tennyson” or be what everyone expects him to be. Rather, what is more important is handling the situation in a productive way. Again, he is not insensitive to others’ opinions on his “flaws”, but if it is not immediately vital, then he does not make the situation all about him. 

Azmuth: “We find ourselves in a situation so dire, that perhaps I should risk giving Ben my new Omnitrix.” 

Ben: “New Omnitrix? Gimmie! I’ll kick Aggregor’s butt!

Azmuth: “No, it’s not completely ready and clearly neither are you.” 

Ben: “Not yet?” 

Azmuth: “At the rate you’re regressing likely not ever.” 

Ben: “I’ve wanted a chance to apologize to you for months. But right now I’ve gotta stop Aggregor. If you’re not here to help, we’ll catch up later.” 

Max: “Wait. Ben. Hear him out.” 

Azmuth: “Your lack of patience is foremost among your many weaknesses.” 

In the Ultimate Alien episode, “Map of Infinity”, Azmuth interprets this as a lack of patience and claims he is “regressing.” Even if this is a flaw, it stems from a place of good intention - the reason why he continues to do this job. 

Now, here’s a question to consider when criticizing someone. 

Is there anyone who never does anything stupid? 

And just because this person has done something that some might consider to be “stupid”, does that mean you should totally give up on them? Are they not capable of improving? 

I would argue that there are levels of “immaturity” and “stupid decisions”, depending on the harm they cause and intention behind the action. And, as I keep reiterating, a person learning a lesson does not guarantee that they will never make the same mistake again. That is just reality.

So is it not a little unfair to continuously go back to Ben’s past mistakes since he has grown from that and established so much more character development? Doing something bad and then recognizing that what you have done is wrong is character development in itself. There does not always have to be a lesson learned or punishment given, just the realization that nobody is always perfect.

This is especially important when everyone expects you to be perfect because you are a “legendary superhero.”  

This is something touched on in the Omniverse episode “Showdown.” Ben is reminded of the time he lost his favourite transformation, Feedback, which he blames himself for. This loss clearly emotionally weighs him down because he doesn't blame anyone other than himself and realizes the mistake he made.

In order to accept it and move on, he realizes he must forgive himself because continuing to beat himself up over it is not going to help him in any way. He’s already established what he decided to do in that situation as wrong, now the only thing he can do is try to be better in the future. 

Forgiveness and acceptance that you are not and never will be “perfect” is the only way to improve in the present moment. 

Going back to the fact that “Ben 10″ is so glorified throughout the Universe, I’d like everyone to realize that, just because Ben has matured since he was ten years old, does not mean he has “left behind” his flaws. His has not suddenly become someone to idolize. It is absolutely fine to look up to him as, I believe, there is something everyone can learn from him. But, even though he has the ability to become one, he is not, and does not try to be, a God. 

Maybe this is what influences Ben’s quite accepting perception regarding other people’s flaws, weaknesses, and past mistakes. Come to think of it, he doesn't really tend to pick on people’s specific flaws all that much. Definitely not as much as others tend to do towards him. He “gives people second chances." 

“You trust people. You give them second chances. And they live up to your expectations. Kevin was a sociopath when you were kids, but you trusted him anyway.” - Max (Ultimate Alien episode: “Absolute Power” part 1)

As the series progresses, this is still something that is constant in his characterization. Ben doesn't seem to focus on what people have done wrong because blaming others for their mistakes and guilting them does not help them improve in the immediate moment. 

In the Omniverse episode “Hot Stretch” , Ester is responsible for what could have potentially been a disaster. 

The only thing is that she allegedly didn't know the full extent of what her petty crime would lead to. But does Ben see a point in guilting her for it when there are lives in danger as they speak?

 "We're past the blame stage."

This where I would like to insert some lyrics which provide a much more vulnerable view of the reality of such an idolized, legendary superhero who is still, and always will be, a fallible human underneath it all. 

“I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane

I'm more than some pretty face beside a train And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive Even heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed, but won't you concede Even heroes have the right to dream And it's not easy to be me”

“Men weren't meant to ride With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me”

- “Superman” by Five for Fighting

Alien Force’s Season 3 onwards showed Ben finding how he can “be the hero” rather than just “acting” like how a hero should according to others not in his place.

It is not as easy as one might think to just be given abilities and always do that is expected of you to do with them. There will be times when you will doubt yourself, there will be times when others will underestimate you and it will affect the way you see yourself. Becoming one’s best self is a process of fall down and get up again, trail and error. That is part of being human. The part of Ben that seems to always be left out when talking about “Ben 10.” 

No Watch Ben seemed to parallel Prime Ben in “Ben 10 Returns” because of what he thought he was “missing” - not only the Omnitrix, but the authentic, confident, selfless, self-assured heroicness that is something he developed over the course of the series. 

The other alternate Bens also have their own watches along with level of confident attitude, but they were not heroes. They became their own downfall because they got so submersed into the act of being “all powerful” that they let it consume them. 

“It’s just a gadget. Be the hero!” - Prime Ben’s “dying words” (Omniverse, “And Then There Were None”) 

To conclude, I feel like the title "hero" ends up becoming somewhat restricting when it comes to this. It's like it takes up the entirety of his character, and people forget that you can't have "Ben 10" without "Ben." Ben, the human, is the one who is affected by all this underneath all the superpowers. He becomes such a great hero and fights for peace, but does he ever really get to experience peace himself?

There is quite a bit that Ben can’t be any more. Making a mistake on any level will be condemned by everyone if it falls out of the parameters that define being a “hero.” 

So how much time in the life of a hero is there to doubt oneself when everyone is depending on you to get the job done?

Not much when it’s always “hero time.”