#but rn i still get up around 12 pm without one and im ok with that

[lil-kozy-kollector]

Since I'm still kinda new to age dreaming and regressing, I may occasionally post polls to see what the community sorta does and maybe get ideas or motivation from it all, so...

[donghun-s]

the very large sp3arb tag

so @sp3arb has tagged me in a total four tags recently and i’m finally getting around to all of them!! tysm for all the tags, meri (btw i love your name?? i think its super cute!) and i hope you learn a bunch of unnecessary stuff abt me lmao (under the cut bc this is a long ass post)

i dont have a name for this tag

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

im not tagging anyone bc im bad at things and most ppl i wanna know about, meri has already tagged so

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo - I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know- I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing maths in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority  - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie  - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages [i don’t speak two, i speak one and sign in another] - I have made a new friend in the past year

alphabet tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better

I was tagged by Roxanne ( is it ok if I call you Roxy? I like Roxy) Actually @lxx-fxlix  And for some reason it did not give me the notification you did, I was casually stalking your blog when I saw:

A: age? 16 (01 liner)

B: birthplace? North Carolina

C: current time? 7:53 pm

D: drink you had last? Arnold Palmer (half sweet tea, half lemonade)

E: easiest person to talk to? for me, it’s my irl best friend gwen and my best friend on here, krys

F: favorite song? oof i’m super indecisive so i’m just gonna commit to mayday by got7 (it always changes but mayday has stayed on my constantly rotating playlist for nearly six months now; most are on for six weeks, max)

G: grossest memory? uh probably when one of my swim lesson kids tried to eat a bug (they were like four) and i had to make them spit it out into my hands 

H: hogwarts house? proud slytherin!!

I: in love? i love a lot of people, but i’m not IN love

J: jealous of people? not anymore, my self-esteem has gotten so much better in past years

K: killed someone? uhm a couple of times in fics (*cough* jinjin in not like this *cough*)

L: love at first sight or should i walk by again? not love but pls walk by again bc i’m probably enjoying your aesthetics

M: middle name? christine

N: number of siblings? one, an older sister

O: one wish? to adopt a kid with no family or an unhealthy one (obvs when  older and financially stable)

P: person you called last? my sister called me yesterday morning, and before that i had called my friend to tell him abt a near death experience when i was driving

R: reasons to smile? something good will happen to you, you’ll meet someone wonderful, and there’s always new experiences to happen

S: song you sang last? poet by bastille (an underrated fave)

T: time you woke up? about 8 am

U: underwear color? light heathered grey

V: vacation destination? i’d love to go to greece someday! santorini would be my first choice, and then my great-grandparents old village near thessaloniki

W: worst habit? probs my dermatillia (picking at acne on my face until it bleeds, then picking at the scabs, leaving a bunch of scars that will never go away)

X: x-rays? i got one on my tailbone one time, two years after i sprained it bc my mom didn’t believe me

Y: your favorite food? uhhh most anything tbh; i quite like the honey butter chicken sandwich from pdq

Z: zodiac sign? libra

✨ Fun Facts Tag ✨

Rules for this are:

Have fun with it!  

Tag some of your mutuals

1) Favourite colours:

orange!! and after that, any kinds of pastel or muted darks

2) Favourite song at the moment:

lotto by exo has been on replay in my head, my car, and my earbuds

3) Last book you read:

the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur

4) Last TV show you watched:

i tried to watch part-time idol bc hyunbin from jbj was in it, but within the first 15 minutes they set up an unnecessary relationship so i had to nope out of there real hard; i then reverted back to rewatching white collar for the fifth time

5) Last movie you watched:

does john mulaney’s nerflix comedy special comeback kid count?? if not, probably nightmare before christmas way back around christmastime

6) If you have a pet whats their name?:

four dogs: pheonix, kino, midge, and bess; three horses: little man, gem, and andy (ironically i’m allergic to dogs and horses, and my dad keeps buying more)

7) If you have siblings how many?:

one, my older sister

8) Favourite thing to do on a weekend:

i love doing my swim lessons and seeing all my kids!! i haven’t been able to lately bc of the weather, 

9) Best tumblr friends:

i only talk to @cheesyramynry on a daily basis, but i have a lot of blogs that i consider friendly acquaintances or casual friends as well!!

10) Favourite thing about yourself:

i value my compassion and empathy above all else; i am very much the mom friend and love to be it

11) Favourite memory:

ah i have so many; i think rn i’m gonna go with this past christmas, bc it was my last one with my grandfather

12) 3 weird habits:

swallowing gum, taking all my pills in descending size order, i tend to mimic how a singer sounds when i sing along to the song (ex: if they have a british accent, i’ll subconsciously sing in a british accent; if they stress certain syllables in certain ways, i’ll do it too)

13) What would you call your style?:

comfortable (stretchy jeans, t-shirts, hoodies) and with a few signature Gay Things (jean jacket, flannels, oversized mens’ button ups, a couple gay/bi pride shirts)

14) Odd talent:

if i have lyrics in front of me to a song i’ve never heard before, i can predict the pattern of the tunes and rhythm and sing along the first time

15) Do you have a tumblr crush?:

literally all of aroha and all of the sk fandom (y’all are the loveliest fandoms i’ve ever been a part of)

the stray kids tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post, and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I’ve decided that in celebration of Stray Kids pre-debut album I needed to create a tag. The ultimate goal for The Stray Kids Tag is to learn about your Tumblr mutuals, and have fun answering the Stray Kids related questions!  Here we go:

1: When did you decide to join the Stray kids fandom?

i saw a thread of information abt the suspected nine members before they were officially announced and was like ‘yes i must stan them and love them with all of my heart.’ so uh,,,,, back in august or september??

2: What is your favorite episode of Stray Kids? uhm, i’m gonna expose myself rn and let y’all know that i’ve never actually seen a full episode of the show; as soon as i heard it was gonna be a survival show, i knew that i couldn’t watch it bc my heart was too weak and i was emotionally incapable of becoming too invested while watching it; but from clips, i quite like the episode with the 3:3:3 mission, and also the last episode when all nine were reunited and told they were going to debut together

3: Who would you say is your bias in Stray kids?

my initial one was chan, and they i got rlly confused, and then slowly came to realize that it was jeongin (anything else after that is a fucking mess)

4: Who would you say is your bias wrecker in Stray kids?

literally kill me all of them bias wreck me so hard bUT hyunjin, jisung, seungmin, and chan have been wrecking me so hard in particular lately

5: What line would you want to be apart of in Stray kids? uHHH not dance line bc swimmers have 0 coordination on land; i quite like singing even tho i’m not good at, so probably that, but i can also hit all of chan’s english rap parts in 3racha songs, and keep up with lafayette’s raps in hamilton, and a lot of the english rappers i like too so uh,,, sign me up for rap line too

6: What is the first song you heard of Stray kids? hellevator

7: What is the first song you heard of 3racha? i think it was either hoodie season or runner’s high

8: What is your favorite song on their pre-debut album?

young wings or school life or yayaya (or grr or 4419 or glow or hellevator)

9: What is a concept you’d like to see Stray Kids try in the future?

i love their current optimistic and slightly rebellious teenager concept rn bc its an Eternal Mood; but i always love myself a soft boyfriend concept 

10: if you could meet with the members of Stray kids for one day what would you say to them?

how proud of them i am, and how proud of themselves they should be; i would tell them about how they’re saying things that resonate deeply for their fans and i love that they’re talking abt real world problems; i would also make sure to tell them (chan and 3racha especially) to make sure to rest more, and eat well, and take care of themselves emotionally as well as physically; and finally i’d like to tell jeongin how wonderful he is and that he’s doing so much at such a young age (lmao he’s actually eight months older than me but that’s no the point) and to never lose his cute little smile

finally done!! meri, if you actually read all of this, uh thank you????? i hope you now know everything you wanted to know abt me, and probably more than you wanted to know

i’m bad at tagging people, so if you also made it this far and haven’t done some of these tags, choose one, or a couple, or all of them and do them yourself!! just say that i tagged you!!

[vampirefucker2]

all the queastions btw i love you

I WUV U!!!!!!!!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?uhhhhhhh my irl friend i think2. Are you outgoing or shy?UH!!?????!!!?!?!?!?! both3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my wonderful boyfriend sorey!!!!!4. Are you easy to get along with?uhh my friendz said ya soo5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i wouldnt b drunk but ????? idk???6. What kind of people are you attracted to?sorey7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?ya!8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?no one9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?uhhuhhuhuh idk10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?uh sorey probably11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“im gonna take a quick nap wake me when the dryers done”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?not in any order butlo-fi children by wild partypay no mind by madeonno culture by mother motherback to front by early hourseverybody come outside by the pomegranates

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?ya!14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?uhh sometimes??????15. What good thing happened this summer?i got a wonderful beautiful boyfriend who i love very much!!!16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?theres no one to kiss!17. Do you think there is life on other planets?ofc!!!!!!!!!!!!!18. Do you still talk to your first crush?sdfds no i only crushed on him cause other ppl in my class were getting crushes and i wanted to be a Cool Kid19. Do you like bubble baths?ya!20. Do you like your neighbors?uhh never met them but i like their dogs21. What are you bad habits?i pull on my hair and pick at my nails a lot22. Where would you like to travel?netherlands23. Do you have trust issues?ooo ya24. Favorite part of your daily routine?this sounds gay but msgsing sorey25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?uhhh m chest26. What do you do when you wake up?msg my palz n pm sorey27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?idk its fine as it is i think28. Who are you most comfortable around?sorey29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?i think bt it ws complicated30. Do you ever want to get married?well me n sorey r p much already there31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?nope!32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?hhh idk i dnt kno much abt any celebs33. Spell your name with your chin.l,ersttg34. Do you play sports? What sports?i h8 sports!!!!!35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?ya37. What do you say during awkward silences?\nothing i leave it38. Describe your dream girl/guy?sorey!39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?thrift shop also like any decor store i luv homesense40. What do you want to do after high school?uhh well im there now and im jst working on portfolio41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?nope42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i jst dont have uch to say bt i also might b depressed u never kno im a suprise!43. Do you smile at strangers?i try to bt only if we accidentally make eye contact44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?SPACE the deep sea is scary45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?sorey46. What are you paranoid about?everything!47. Have you ever been high?no!48. Have you ever been drunk?no!49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?uhhh i dont think so???50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?grey n black i think51. Ever wished you were someone else?uhhh i dnt understand th question 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?2 many things to name one53. Favourite makeup brand?uhsduhfui idk54. Favourite store?homesense55. Favourite blog?ilovemikleo1 hes a cool guy56. Favourite colour?pink! but i also rlly like blue and purple!n red an aaa i cnt pick57. Favourite food? sweets58. Last thing you ate?all dressed chips59. First thing you ate this morning?cherry gummies60. Ever won a competition? For what?i once one a ssb competition @ a friends bday party and normally i suck at smash but the prize was two (2) cosmic brownies and i Wanted them61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?nope!62. Been arrested? For what?i hav not63. Ever been in love? eheh yes64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?didnt happen!65. Are you hungry right now?not rlly66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyahhhhhhhhhh67. Facebook or Twitter?i dnt use either bt twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr?twitter tumblr is the devil69. Are you watching tv right now?nope!70. Names of your bestfriends? sorey bt also uhhhhhhhhhhhhhall my friends!!!!!71. Craving something? What?i jst want more chips72. What colour are your towels?they vary cause i have many bt rn yellow72. How many pillows do you sleep with?1.573. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?ya!74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?100000075. Favourite animal?crows n also ravens dont ask me 2 choose76. What colour is your underwear?skipping ths77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla78. Favourite ice cream flavour?strawberry!79. What colour shirt are you wearing?mahogany80. What colour pants?black81. Favourite tv show?uh!!?!?!?!?!?!?!82. Favourite movie?the secret of kells83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?never seen mean girls 284. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?never seen 21 jump street85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?dont have one86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?dont have one87. First person you talked to today?sorey!88. Last person you talked to today?m in a call bt sorey ws th last person to say smthn89. Name a person you hate?uhhhh i do h8 someone but i cnt say who they r90. Name a person you love?SOREY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY BF SO MUCH!!!! and m friends91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?see #8992. In a fight with someone?not atm93. How many sweatpants do you have?like 294. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?2 many95. Last movie you watched?i dont rememberr96. Favourite actress?dont have one97. Favourite actor?dont have one98. Do you tan a lot?no i just burn99. Have any pets?i have a dog!100. How are you feeling?uh?101. Do you type fast?kinda102. Do you regret anything from your past?living103. Can you spell well?no but i thought this said \can you cast a spell well’ and i got excited104. Do you miss anyone from your past?ya .105. Ever been to a bonfire party?nope!106. Ever broken someone’s heart?mayb107. Have you ever been on a horse?ya108. What should you be doing?art109. Is something irritating you right now?not rlly110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?ya111. Do you have trust issues?ya112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?sheep!113. What was your childhood nickname?didnt have one114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?ya!115. Do you play the Wii?yup!116. Are you listening to music right now?nope!117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?ya!!!118. Do you like Chinese food?depends what it is119. Favourite book?haunting violet by alyxandra harvey120. Are you afraid of the dark?sometimes121. Are you mean?i think i am bt ppl say no so uh122. Is cheating ever okay???!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?idk123. Can you keep white shoes clean?sometimes124. Do you believe in love at first sight?mayb125. Do you believe in true love?ya!126. Are you currently bored?a lil bt not rlly127. What makes you happy?sorey!!!! and my friends!!!!!! and vampires……128. Would you change your name?im tryin 2 do it129. What your zodiac sign?cencer130. Do you like subway?its ok131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?ths wouldnt happen bt if it did id ignore it132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?sorey133. Favourite lyrics right now?“im like a bull in a chinda shop knocking off an knock off” frm no culture by mother mother134. Can you count to one million?no i dnt have the patience for that135. Dumbest lie you ever told?uhh idk136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closedd137. How tall are you?5′5″138. Curly or Straight hair?curly139. Brunette or Blonde?i hav brownish hair bt i like both140. Summer or Winter?summer141. Night or Day?night142. Favourite month?julyy143. Are you a vegetarian?nope!144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?all!145. Tea or Coffee?coffe146. Was today a good day?idk it ws jst ok147. Mars or Snickers?mars148. What’s your favourite quote?uhfdsfuishfui idk149. Do you believe in ghosts?ofc!150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “he was dressed impeccably and properly, no matter the hour”

[iesharael-blog]

1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Ok

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B  Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there. 

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary:  “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently  made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3 

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3

[verdigrisprowl]

Feb 7 CAH @ Soundwave's Bar

Primus came, and proved he was Primus. Everyone flipped out a little. Several people were very angry. It probably didn't help that Primus kept making out with Astrotrain.

Prowl actually handled it pretty well. He completely skipped past all questions of theology and morality and started questioning the thermodynamics of spark production.

Soundwave won the first game; Primus won the second game; Prowl won the third game.

[7:42:29 PM] You have joined the game. [7:44:01 PM] thenightetc has joined the game. [7:44:16 PM] Shockbox has joined the game. [7:44:39 PM] *well, the group WAS great. and then shockwave showed up.* [7:44:47 PM] ((Hello, hello. Will start in another 6-11 minutes.)) [7:45:07 PM] Airachnid has joined the game. [7:45:31 PM] *In the meantime, Soundwave is still pulling things out from under the bar and placing them up top with his feelers while still adding chairs with his hands.* [7:45:32 PM] ((Is this, how do I put it, strictly IC, or can anyone join?)) [7:45:37 PM] *don't worry dad he'll protect you* [7:45:43 PM] *He just came out here to have a good time* [7:45:59 PM] ((TheNight, consider yourself here by holo with Frenzy as helper.)) [7:46:09 PM] ((Awesome, thanks!)) [7:46:36 PM] ((its IC but relatively for-fun yeah, all are welcome)) [7:47:02 PM] [Almost debated dragging my warbird in here. ouo] [7:47:20 PM] BetterStarscream has joined the game. [7:47:32 PM] ((Cool, I just didn't want to step on any toes by ignoring the etiquette.)) [7:47:48 PM] *Pings all around for those joining so far* [7:48:08 PM] *Except you, Getaway.* [7:48:17 PM] *didnt want your stinky ping anyway~* [7:48:21 PM] [sneaking in quietly] [7:48:45 PM] *Small chuckle from the wall where he was relaxing until the game started* [7:48:45 PM] *FLOUNCES in* [7:48:47 PM] *ooh, does tara get a ping too? he's faintly giggling at the wall he graffiti'd a while back* [7:49:05 PM] *ew, why Starscream AND Shockwave. gross.* [7:49:12 PM] *Flounces is a good word.* [7:49:14 PM] *waves and eye-smiles at the Boss* [7:49:20 PM] *but Prowl is here! that's good.* [7:49:26 PM] *To be fair, the /host/ is a soundwave.* [7:49:28 PM] Heya, Prowl! [7:49:30 PM] *Soundwave glances at the Starscream. That's... is that the one from-- okay, Ravage is nodding.* [7:50:09 PM] [she expected Shockwave, but still not happy about it] [7:50:19 PM] *nods to everyone who's greeted him. it's a very versatile nod.* [7:50:20 PM] And Soundwave, Bug, Getaway. [7:50:39 PM] *the host may be a Soundwave but he's not a DECEPTICON gosh* [7:51:01 PM] #hello! [7:51:14 PM] *Glances at Prowl. Will try to not get into arguments this time around. Will probably fail* [7:51:27 PM] *glances at Starscream* ... If I'd known YOU were going to be here, I would have asked for a ride. [7:51:48 PM] Hey, Ratchet. *casual wave without straightening in his seat* [7:51:57 PM] (( Ah, crap, actually...I should be doing some homework I forgot. Maybe I'll join a later game. )) [7:52:04 PM] (( Brb, in the case that I rejoin at some point. )) [7:52:08 PM] ((Ah! Okay. Good luck with homework.)) [7:52:11 PM] ((ok, good luck dude)) [7:52:25 PM] ((ARE WE READY?)) [7:52:28 PM] ((good luck. homework fast.)) [7:52:33 PM] ((I am so ready.)) [7:52:38 PM] ye)) [7:53:00 PM] *takes seat. with helper card-wrangler Rumble.* [7:53:28 PM] Oh? [7:53:42 PM] ...ah, yes, this IS your strange club, isn't it? [7:53:48 PM] Shockbox has left the game. [7:53:56 PM] *Does Soundwave need anything he could provide before the game begins?* [7:54:02 PM] *on the periphery, playing it as lowkey as he can. i.e. not very* [7:54:11 PM] "Strange club"? [7:54:28 PM] *gestures at the collection of people* What else do you call this motley assortment? [7:54:31 PM] *Soundwave doesn't need anything, but he might silently request the spot next to Prophet.* [7:54:34 PM] [[His guests.]] [7:54:45 PM] *there's a seat next to prowl, Tarantulas. hint. hint hint.* [7:54:54 PM] *TAKEN.* [7:55:00 PM] *Of course* [7:55:01 PM] Until the games are over, *I* call them the enemy. [7:55:07 PM] *well now where is Ratchet going to sit* [7:55:18 PM] All right, everyone. Impress me. [7:55:41 PM] *prowl has two neighboring seats. has the other one been claimed?* [7:55:45 PM] Bruin has joined the game. [7:55:52 PM] *there's probably a spot next to the spide, ratch~* [7:55:55 PM] ((getaway mightve taken it but nbd)) [7:55:56 PM] *If not, Soundwave's taking it before Getaway can.* [7:56:06 PM] *that's not going to happen, spide* [7:56:14 PM] [at this point she'll take whatever spot's available] [7:56:26 PM] Heh. [7:56:28 PM] *god damn it, Soundwave NOW where is Ratchet going to sit* [7:56:30 PM] ((fight for the honor of sitting next to prowl \o/)) [7:56:35 PM] *snrk* How dramatic. And you always attend these.. gatherings while incorporeal? [7:56:42 PM] Noodles wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [7:56:48 PM] I certainly don't attend them corporeally. [7:57:12 PM] Error: Error communicating with server. Will try again in 0.5 seconds. [7:57:41 PM] Used to. [7:57:41 PM] *Already silently laughing. Also, Ravage parks himself behind Airachnid.* [7:57:42 PM] *and YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIS DAD* [7:57:48 PM] *BACK WHEN PROWL COULD GO PLACES* [7:57:51 PM] Hurry up! You have less than 10 seconds to decide, or you will be skipped. [7:58:00 PM] *hey, Starscream didn't arrest him.* [7:58:04 PM] Prowl was skipped this round for being idle for too long. [7:58:05 PM] ((the game froze ;;)) [7:58:05 PM] *Takes a seat that may of may not of existed near Prowl beforehand to let Soundwave have the middle one* [7:58:07 PM] *he just keeps him in jail* [7:58:17 PM] ((his avatar glitched)) [7:58:27 PM] Noodles wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [7:58:28 PM] *PROWL'S AVATAR GLITCHED. who is at fault* [7:58:36 PM] Play 3 cards, in the order you wish them to be judged. [7:58:38 PM] *blames soundwave* [7:58:45 PM] D: {{Sorry! Sorry. Bird bumped projector.}} [7:59:38 PM] :T If I didn't know better, I'd suspect you're trying to prevent me from gaining an early lead. [7:59:42 PM] Pffft. I wonder why I haven't been petitioned to let you slip your leash, then. [7:59:46 PM] *silently judges soundwave's avatar projection system if it can be bumped like that* [8:00:02 PM] Because I'm a model prisoner, obviously. [8:00:27 PM] *It's spread across the club and mobile so it can serve other purposes, thank you. She just hit one of them.* [8:00:52 PM] *Snerks at the cards* [8:01:22 PM] Error: Error communicating with server. Will try again in 0.5 seconds. [8:01:39 PM] Getaway wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:01:52 PM] One for me~ [8:01:56 PM] You [8:02:03 PM] 're welcome [8:02:06 PM] *meh* [8:02:25 PM] *right back at you, weirdo* [8:02:25 PM] [[Three of these are very deadly.]] [8:02:28 PM] *snorts at the Metrotitan card* [8:02:37 PM] *Is so going to be judged for this* [8:02:37 PM] [squints at the card] [8:02:57 PM] Airachnid wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:03:07 PM] *Covers his face with a wing* [8:03:15 PM] *Amused bob* [8:03:23 PM] *would have chosen death by metrotitan sex as well* [8:03:36 PM] [she doesn't care, she got a point] [8:03:57 PM] ... Admittedly, it's only fatal if you don't adequately prepare first. [8:04:07 PM] Error: Error communicating with server. Will try again in 0.5 seconds. [8:04:25 PM] *snorts out of his cheek vents* [8:04:25 PM] [chuckles at the thought of the Ratchet card] [8:04:25 PM] [[What is wrong with his seldom used shoulder cannon?]] [8:04:25 PM] That'd be a cute halloween costume. [8:04:25 PM] ..... [8:04:27 PM] *You played that, didn't you.* [8:04:29 PM] ((i keep getting server communication errors)) [8:04:30 PM] *Lowers his wing back down and gets comfortable in his chair* [8:04:41 PM] (( 8( )) [8:04:51 PM] ((Try hopping out and back in?)) [8:04:53 PM] Getaway wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:04:54 PM] ..so many of them are mechs. [8:05:07 PM] ((I think it's my internet)) [8:05:24 PM] ((and yeah we've got a lot of name cards. maybe next time mix in some more normal decks?)) [8:05:25 PM] Thanks, Boss. *winks and takes his card* [8:05:25 PM] ((Aww...)) [8:05:25 PM] [[ ugh, my cards are staying in my hand after i play them... ]] [8:05:39 PM] ...*salty about being card czar for THIS card of all cards :')* [8:05:49 PM] ((I added more normal decks ;; I'll find tack in a few more on the game after this)) [8:06:22 PM] ((rn every single card except one is a TF card. and I'm not sure about the one.)) [8:06:33 PM] Noodles wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:06:34 PM] ((could just be an unlucky draw)) [8:06:49 PM] ((that's been consistent for the new cards I'm getting too.)) [8:06:53 PM] *ugh. froid.* [8:06:55 PM] Skywarp has joined the game. [8:07:08 PM] (i have some names but some not...) [8:07:30 PM] Noodles wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:07:38 PM] Play 2 cards, in the order you wish them to be judged. [8:07:42 PM] *chokes* [8:07:43 PM] *Glances at Soundwave* [8:07:52 PM] *that was just a lucky draw* [8:07:53 PM] [[...What.]] [8:07:57 PM] ((im dying save me) [8:07:59 PM] *It was a blank~* [8:08:11 PM] ((...are there decks specifically from our rps here lmao i saw flobsters)) [8:08:18 PM] [you should look at her, she picked it] [8:08:22 PM] ((flobsters are actually a thing! [8:08:23 PM] ((flobsters are canon)) [8:08:40 PM] ((WHAT)) [8:08:41 PM] [Yup!] [8:08:46 PM] ((we stole them from Rescue Bots)) [8:08:51 PM] in REscue Bots friendo)) [8:08:52 PM] ((oh thats right)) [8:08:53 PM] [Dude even has a pet Flobster in Rescue Bots. :3] [8:09:12 PM] thenightetc was skipped this round for being idle for too long. [8:10:01 PM] ((oh gosh [8:10:12 PM] There's a lot of cards here about Orion Pax, huh. [8:10:12 PM] (( these are beautiful [8:10:15 PM] ((you have TWO starscream cards to choose from)) [8:10:21 PM] Ratchet wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:10:21 PM] ((of course screamy gets this black card )) [8:10:24 PM] *immediately claps hand over mouth. gdi ratchet* [8:10:27 PM] I expected trine loyalty, Screamer. [8:10:39 PM] :3c [8:10:46 PM] *None of these make sense* [8:10:54 PM] Anonimity levels the playing feild for poor humor choices. [8:11:04 PM] ((sorry the super long desc of Orion Pax got me. I had to)) [8:11:15 PM] -grumbles- [8:11:37 PM] [[But then NOTHING.]] [8:11:51 PM] ... I am glad I'm not drinking anything right now. [8:11:59 PM] Oh oh dear [8:12:11 PM] All of these sound plausible to me. [8:12:13 PM] Getaway wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:12:13 PM] The second to last one... what. [8:12:16 PM] Heh. Problem, Soundwave? [8:12:26 PM] *how does one feed a breast* [8:12:31 PM] [[Yes. But you haven't done anything worth phasing you into the wall over yet.]] [8:12:38 PM] *making a comeback* [8:12:42 PM] spacebus has joined the game. [8:12:52 PM] ((By asking shockwave to come over and demonstrate)) [8:13:02 PM] ! [8:13:03 PM] [chirrup at new guest] [8:13:04 PM] *not sure how to appeal to czar skywarp. chose the dumbest card possible.* [8:13:08 PM] *A choochoo has joined* [8:13:23 PM] *While holding Prowl's cards* //Damn right I'm blue.// [8:13:26 PM] [[ i'm gonna have to refresh at some point gdi it's getting hard to keep track of which cards i've already played. also, i can't read my cards. ]] [8:13:30 PM] *too many cons here for his liking* [8:13:31 PM] Prowl wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:13:35 PM] *it worked* [8:13:37 PM] ((might as well do it now)) [8:13:40 PM] Play 3 cards, in the order you wish them to be judged. [8:13:47 PM] They are very stupid hats! [8:13:59 PM] do i get a stupid hat [8:13:59 PM] i'm the card king [8:14:15 PM] [[Greetings, Astrotrain.]] [8:14:32 PM] All hats are only symbolic. [8:14:42 PM] You're a CZAR actually. [8:14:58 PM] ... No wait, actually. Hold on. [8:15:12 PM] Error: Error communicating with server. Will try again in 0.5 seconds. [8:15:20 PM] *a hologram of a Cubs baseball cap appears on Astrotrain's head.* You're welcome. [8:15:25 PM] [[We do not have rules against Czar hats. Or crowns.]] [8:15:35 PM] Noodles wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:15:43 PM] Play 3 cards, in the order you wish them to be judged. [8:15:47 PM] Hey, I didn't get a czar hat so you guys can't have any either! [8:15:50 PM] Heh [8:15:52 PM] shhh my head is cooler than yours [8:15:56 PM] You didn't ask. [8:16:14 PM] *prowl doesn't know if Soundwave wants the hat. so it just floats over him.* [8:16:26 PM] ........ [8:16:33 PM] *...Slowly lifts the radar dish behind his head.* [8:16:44 PM] [she has some words, but she's not going to say them out loud] [8:16:45 PM] *settles hat on dish* [8:16:52 PM] -mopes- [8:16:55 PM] !!! *what is this radar dish* [8:17:06 PM] *puts an energon cube on warp's head* [8:17:09 PM] *He has a sense of humor about it - oh! A hat hat. How novel.* [8:17:13 PM] -!! :D [8:17:18 PM] *does not have a crown for the queen tho* [8:17:24 PM] *only has lap space* [8:18:04 PM] *for some reason starts sniggering at 'stars creams'* [8:18:04 PM] Heh. One of you's got a good hand. [8:18:24 PM] *Leans back into his chair. Waves one of his wings at Astro* [8:18:26 PM] *they all look terrible to prowl* [8:18:30 PM] *had no cards that made sense so just took the opportunity to cull a little* [8:18:36 PM] *did the same* [8:18:37 PM] Primus wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:18:43 PM] Bruin has left the game. [8:18:45 PM] Play 2 cards, in the order you wish them to be judged. [8:18:45 PM] *same* [8:18:49 PM] ...I was rather hoping you'd pick that one, actually [8:18:51 PM] *chirrup at primus.. prophet... can u cuddle w/ god tho* [8:19:04 PM] ....*laughs* [8:19:05 PM] Thebes has joined the game. [8:19:05 PM] *Somehow won... And yes, yes you can* [8:19:15 PM] This card feels kinda familiar. [8:19:35 PM] There was a similar one before. [8:19:40 PM] -giggle-snorting into his cards- [8:19:40 PM] Hello! [8:19:47 PM] *yes. he was making a joke about it* [8:19:51 PM] [[Greetings.]] [8:20:06 PM] hello do you have a hat [8:20:08 PM] *Technically is in 'bot form, so, cuddles, Train* [8:20:09 PM] *Getaway is Czar. He must have a hat.* [8:20:14 PM] *Laserbeak swoops down and perches on his head.* [8:20:15 PM] *RIGHT. hat. moves hat.* Sorry. [8:20:24 PM] breastmasters... [8:20:35 PM] *waves hand. s'fine. hes too busy being determined not to pick soundwaves card* [8:20:39 PM] [squints @ that one card] [8:20:49 PM] They're a thing, Astro. [8:20:52 PM] ROTFcopter? [8:21:05 PM] What is the Yeager program? [8:21:14 PM] BetterStarscream wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:21:16 PM] Something human no doubt. [8:21:16 PM] I believe that's a human acronym meant to convey amusement. [8:21:19 PM] *will sit on god if the space is available. will also beckon for spide ...... er, queen spide* [8:21:21 PM] It's funny because you aren't supposed to say breasts. [8:21:22 PM] It stands for "Rolling On The Floor." [8:21:23 PM] *all spide??* [8:21:23 PM] *shrugs* [8:21:27 PM] *so close, prowl* [8:21:40 PM] *this time Prowl dutifully moves the hat to Ratchet* [8:22:08 PM] is it normal to get completely garbage cards [8:22:11 PM] can i trade [8:22:13 PM] *accept the hat with dignity and aplomb* [8:22:18 PM] No card trading. [8:22:19 PM] *heh, this spide declines politely* [8:22:26 PM] *Has an Astro on his lap. Nuzzles him* [8:22:41 PM] can i make a team and pool my cards with astro's [8:22:44 PM] because i'm curious now [8:22:59 PM] [[Optimus Prime being attacked by trees IS entertaining.]] [8:23:06 PM] Indeed. [8:23:13 PM] You shut your mouth. Or whatever. [8:23:16 PM] garbage plus garbage is still garbage though [8:23:17 PM] You know what I mean. [8:23:20 PM] prime doing the attacking is even better [8:23:23 PM] *nuzzles primus* [8:23:26 PM] because he still loses [8:23:31 PM] Noodles wins the round. The next round will begin in 8 seconds. [8:23:46 PM] *gdi* [8:23:57 PM] *Ha.* [8:24:14 PM] *transfers hat to Tarantulas.* [8:24:24 PM] *Purrs happily* [8:24:24 PM] *sincerest apologies honestly it was an accident* [8:24:33 PM] ((im screaming at #2)) [8:24:38 PM] [*Chokes on the rewind card*] [8:24:44 PM]

[survivor-hosts]

Ep. #7: “C’mon Rat, Follow the Cheese” - Jessy

The tribes merged and all of the pre-mergers were added to the merge tribe as the Karma Island twist was revealed.  The players started campaigning to get back in and Cat, Austin, and Drew chose to drop out and become voters.  After a whole day of scrambling and a messy voting situation, Connor was voted back into the game.  The tribe was given their first immunity challenge and Matt was able to solve it and win immunity quite quickly.  After no one talked the day before the vote, the players started scrambling last minute with one side trying to decide whether to vote off Sam or MJ while the opposing side was trying to decide between Allison or Connor.  In the end, MJ and Sam's alliance threw their votes on Andrew to thwart any posisble idol play.  Sam also used her vote negator to cancel Allison's vote for MJ.  Andrew was sent home in a 5-4 vote.

HAHAHAHAHA so it's 9:58 and I should go to tribal and I was on call with Connah and then Lydia and MJ called and added Connah and MJ told me I might be getting votes so I might be getting voted out idk adios fuck this shit!

Can't wait to be seventh boot

[12:51:33 PM] mj ultra . _/: bih wtf. [12:51:39 PM] connah. i guess.: I didn't do anything. [12:51:40 PM] mj ultra . _/: oh you really wanna fight me tonight huh yes bitch i do. yes we are in a partnership but i'm not your bitch. i'm not gonna sit here and do everything you want but it's fine because people will hopefully see you as a bigger threat so if they gonna try take one of us out... can't say i'm too sorry about it. his ass wants to sit here and vote lydia back when we literally just voted her out? i see where he's coming from because we might be able to use lydia tbh but he's literally shutting down any ideas i had so i'm kinda angry rn.

mj's gameplay has really rubbed off on me... my ass just blindsided lydia and now i'm really down for voting her back in? i had my fun pre-merge but now it's time to really get this shit going

http://prntscr.com/fn4qxy http://prntscr.com/fn4r1v At first I thought Connor would have the highest chance of returning but after hearing a few things I think REGAN has the best shot??? When and how did that happen?

Hmmmmm I'm feeling really weird in this tribe. It's as if I don't belong.....That's the vibe I'm getting. Whatever. I'm sticking to my strategy of not talking to people. Hey it worked TWICE and got me to the end twice. It works. People come to me with information at once. I hope I can pull it off again.

so like I mighta just made a chat with myself Scott jessy Allison josh and Connor to save Connor bc David was a bust. Highkey still don't trust Scott and sam Matt mj and connah are trying for Lydia and I'm like no fuck off? When the phone battery goes down my chaotic gameplay goes up. Like idc whomstve is gonna be pissed i am GETTING Connor in this game. Drew and cat should have sacrificed themselves for him too so here's to fucking hoping. If Lydia comes in I'm dead straight up gay up!

push me to the edge i wish i was dead why is scott a snake scott u little snake push me to the edge i wish i was dead lydia im the wrong connor please stop making my life harder push me to the edge mask off, task off back off, mask off i dont really care that im crying but i really care that youre lying edge dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun mask off, task off

i have lost all my motivation. i am a shell of a man i used to be

i am fucked. if i somehow get out of this mess i got myself into it would be a miracle.

Okay it's time for my second confessional because it's getting really hard dealing with these people and I need to vent. Like I really cannot.

After the Lydia vote off succeeded I tried to do major damage control with Matt and Scott. They both seemed to understand but I know they don't trust me anymore. Iit's not like they even realistically did. Maybe Matt did, but his reaction really shows his game. Scott seems to think he can snake his way around the two alliances but I'll bring up that later in this confessional. Anyways, it's announced that Karma Island is in play and immediately I'm worried. I fell into a position where I had to lead on Connor, David and Regan all at once because I legitimately had no idea who I wanted to return. I received information from Scott that MJ was on call with Sam and Lydia. They were

[4:26:26 AM] Jessy: i have some tea ladies! [4:27:05 AM] Jessy: So Scott is playing both sides. [4:27:09 AM] Jessy: and MJ/Connah/Josh are too. [4:27:21 AM] Jessy: MJ wants me to stay so he can use me for next tribal to get Sam out.. [4:27:26 AM] Jessy: But sis he has another thing coming. [4:29:43 AM] Jessy: sam acts like a 4 year old [4:29:47 AM] Jessy: "jessy probs just wants all of us on jury bc we're the ppl who knew her pregame so we'd give her our jury votes" [4:29:52 AM] Jessy: she said this [4:29:57 AM] Jessy: like no i want u on prejury [4:29:58 AM] Jessy: zzksjksksks [4:42:41 AM] Jessy: mj and connah rlly think they're so smart huh [4:42:42 AM] Jessy: like ur not. [4:42:42 AM] Jessy: BKLMASDFMKLDSMKLA [4:42:46 AM] Jessy: i literally know what ur doing [4:43:03 AM] Jessy: this is ur mo mj... [4:43:05 AM] Jessy: ur forcing myself into a situation where i have to go w/ him b/c my numbers are cut. [4:44:25 AM] Jessy: Like I know he's pitting me against Samatthew by telling me this information [4:44:29 AM] Jessy: But like.. [4:44:37 AM] Jessy: Damn they're literally Spencer and Tasha [4:52:02 AM] Jessy: I'm reading their games to filth. [8:18:39 AM] Jessy: me again [8:21:05 AM] Jessy: God why'd i tell connor i heard his name [8:21:06 AM] Jessy: LSJLSSKKSKS [9:52:09 AM] Jessy: SCOTT IS SUCH A FUCKING LIAR [9:59:32 AM] Jessy: time to get reads [9:59:35 AM] Jessy: and intel! [9:59:41 AM] Jessy: im legit gonna interrogate him idc [10:01:03 AM] Jessy: Nancy Drew who???? [10:01:16 AM] Jessy: im GETTING the dirt. [10:01:24 AM] Jessy: spill the beans! [10:01:50 AM] Jessy: seeing Scott is typing... answering my questions is so funny [10:01:57 AM] Jessy: Like ur nervous huh sis [10:03:32 AM] Jessy: does scott really think ill eat the bullshit hes putting out for me on a platter rn? [10:03:37 AM] Jessy: Like bitch what the fuck LAKSKSKKSKS [10:08:25 AM] Jessy: OK SCOTT IS LYING OUT OF HIS ASS [10:08:29 AM] Jessy: IM SICK OF IT [10:08:35 AM] Jessy: HOW DOES MJ KNOW U WERE HIGH THEN [10:08:44 AM] Jessy: LIKE UGH !!! [10:09:53 AM] Jessy: ok sam could've told mj! [10:09:57 AM] Jessy: interesting! [10:14:37 AM] Jessy: mj and scott together ? conspiracy theory ? [10:18:18 AM] Jessy: Oh yeah, I also found out last night that josh did vote for Lydia, but Connah switched his vote from Lydia to Connor and Trevor wouldn't allow him to change it back [10:18:26 AM] Jessy: i thought sam was being distant huh scott [10:20:12 AM] Jessy: There's holes in this scheme. [10:22:32 AM] Jessy: "Same" [10:22:34 AM] Jessy: keh [10:22:51 AM] Jessy: guess i'm done here. [10:23:51 AM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: I'm samatthew [10:24:27 AM] Jessy: theyre literally spencer and tasha [10:24:32 AM] Jessy: mj is a cheap version of jeremy [10:26:00 AM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: Who are you [10:26:45 AM] Jessy: i wanna say kelley but i don't wanna be cocky like matt

This is a recap on what happened before the Karma Vote. One reason is so that I can look back on it and the other is for Connor to read in the future. This is 100% what happened. Lydia made her pitch to me around noon yesterday and she had made valid points and I wouldn't mind her being back but my vote is locked to Connor at that point though I was still willing to listen to her so I can get info out of her. I messaged Connah a little later and he said he was going to vote Lydia back in so I had an inkling that something's up but shrugged it off because there's no way Lydia's coming back it's just not in the numbers. I went to bed and woke up at 6am with a bunch of messages and one of them was Lydia asking to call. I told her I only woke up randomly and was planning on sleeping a little bit more. I didn't know the vote was due at 8 and I woke up 30 minutes before the deadline. Jessy messaged me asking if MJ had come up to me and asked if Lydia's being voted back in and I said no because MJ and I haven't talked yet. A little while, Andrew messaged me asking who to vote and I said Connor and then I got added to the Saving Connor chat with Scott, Jessy, Allison and Connor. What surprised me the most is why Scott is there. I didn't understand. Next, MJ messaged me asking for my vote so that we can tie between Lydia and Connor. Now the thing is, I told them I would vote whatever they want to but my vote is locked to Connor unless they absolutely needed it because they're the two people I trusted the most in this game. And they really did need it. I went on call with Connor and told him that everyone's pulling my leg getting me to vote with them and then got on call with Connah making his case to me with Lydia and Lydia's on my pms making her case again and Scott and I were trying to figure out how we're going to go and mind you this is literally 5 minutes before the deadline and at that point everyone thought we could change votes. I was freaking out everyone was talking to me at the same time I felt very pressured that I just asked Scott to make a decision for me and he won't decide for me and Connah just started to tell me VOTE LYDIA VOTE LYDIA and without hesitation I changed. Now obviously that didn't fall through because Connor came back and he found out I changed my vote. Now he doesn't want to speak to me and probably burned my bridge with him and idk about the status of our friendship right now. I spilled so much critical information on Connor and if we went our separate ways and uses those against me then I'm fucked. I mentioned to Connor how I wanted to target Jessy because of how good she is and if that gets back to her than she's going to turn on me. My hope is that MJ, Sam, Scott, Connah and Matt form a 6 person alliance to get past this round. This game is taking a toll on me emotionally and I've been struggling to play since the first few days. I wasn't like this before. It isn't worth it. It's not worth it to lose a friendship over this. It's easy to say that you need to cut ties and turn the heart off but doing it for real is different. Connor, my explanation is probably something you did not want to hear and it's probably going to re-open wounds once this game is over because looking back on it now, the decision was stupid. It didn't have to be that way but I gave in because of pressure.

Honestly.... I just feel so defeated. I don't see myself really doing as great as I would have wanted to in this game, which is such a pessimistic way to think but its true. Like if I were to be going home tomorrow I wouldn't even care that I didn't make the jury. A lot just went down these past few days that made me realize why I retired in the first place. So to really go back, Lydia was blindsided. Not surprised that it happened cause I knew something fishy was going on, but surprised that out of everyone I was the most left out of the loop. Like no one bothered to tell me that the vote was getting split between Allison and Andrew. Like when Lydia left Jessy and Andrew had me on call and explained everything to me and why they did what they did. And like I'm really not mad at them for doing so. I think it was amazing on their part that they pulled it off. They told me how MJ and Connah were really wanting to get Lydia out, which caught me by surprise cause I thought they were really close. Afterwards, Sam gets me on call and is worried about what could happen in the future and who we have with us. And to my surprise, Matt Summers actually talked strategy with me for the first time. The story I got from them was that Jessy approached them and got them involved with voting Lydia. To make matters worse, we have to vote someone back into this game thanks to Karma Island. And I feel like this is gonna make things so much worse cause I'm starting to realize I only have myself in this game. Idk like in Maluku flipping was easy cause I had Maria and Mattica who I trusted more than anyone. I don't really trust anyone in this game, so it makes everything 10x worse. Connor talked to me and told me he doesn't hold that against me, and idk part of me really thinks if he IS going to come back, I need to vote him so I can prove to him that I can be someone he can actually work with later on. Especially with MJ/Connah/Sam/Matt being a sinking ship, I just feel like I need to find other resources when I need to. Plus the only person I trust in that group is Sam, and after hearing that MJ has wanted me out of this game for awhile now I don't see why I need to stick my neck out for them. That whole voting process was such a mess because I really didn't know what to do with all of that. Like I voted for Connor cause I was sure he was getting in, then Josh comes to me and says he didn't know what to do. Which like RIP cause I thought he already voted, and to make matter worse he told lydia and lydia went off on me in the pms. And like, the fact that this all went down when I was out with friends just made me realize that I'm too invested in this game and that I left for a reason. Idk the only reason why Connor is back is because Connah changed his vote and wasnt allowed to switch back. I'm just annoyed cause I'm really fucked in this game to the point of no return. And like Sam and them are trying to make sure I'm gonna vote with them but with Lydia out and the only person on that side i actually consider an ally being Sam, it just makes sense for me to go through with what I've been wanting to do for awhile and flip with Jessy and Andrew.

"fifth vote... lydia"

what the fuck is going on why is no one talking to me. fucking hell man, and then im gonna wake up again and have a shit ton of messages waiting for me when i check my phone. everything's happening at the very last minute in this game omg.

YALL TRIBAL IS  11 HOURS AWAY I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO AND IM GONNA BE ASLEEP IN 9 OF THOSE HOURS. FUCK IT.

you know how it'd be fun if i just go ghost the whole morning tomorrow lkfjskjdfhskjfs *deletes Skype*

OKA Y BUT S ERIOUSLY im sick and tired of waking up in the morning where a plan has already been made and i have no say in it. fuck it a guy needs his sleep its yalls fault for not making a plan during our off day ! btw if i get voted out tomorrow im gonna be salty af trevor why did you have to have the first merge boot not a jury member i dont want to miss out on JURY! !!!!!

everyone is getting on my god damn nerves TODAY !

On 25/06/2017, at 8:30 PM, connor wrote: > hi background music plays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpLU8BI02wQ

Okay so I just laid out all the info I got today. I talked to Scott this morning I said does he know for sure Sam has a vote negator or is it a hunch? He said it was a hunch and he doesn't really know, so I got sus. He was high last night so maybe he let it slip MJ told me that Scott was high last night so I wanted to find a way to vertify what he said about Scott/Sam/Matt/MJ/Connah being all on a group call [6/24/2017 10:09:30 AM] Jessy: did you tell anyone you were high LMAOOOOO i'd be so non functional if i was high and game talking [6/24/2017 10:09:40 AM] Scott: I mean I told sam It's possible that Scott is either lying about him telling Sam specifically, or Sam just told MJ that Scott was high and he happened to tell me this He said this when I asked him about the Sam call: [6/24/2017 9:51:38 AM] Jessy: did anything important come out of the sam call [6/24/2017 9:51:58 AM] Scott: Honestly it just made me realize that she doesn't trust me [6/24/2017 9:52:17 AM] Jessy: fuck! [6/24/2017 9:52:25 AM] Scott: She asked me what my relationship was with you [6/24/2017 9:53:05 AM] Scott: And if I actually trusted you cause you're known to be deceiving for "organizing the whole Lydia vote and misting MJ/Connah" [6/24/2017 9:53:48 AM] Jessy: :$ would be me if i actually did! [6/24/2017 9:54:07 AM] Jessy: r they voting me [6/24/2017 9:54:25 AM] Scott: I mean we never got around to actually talking about it [6/24/2017 9:54:32 AM] Jessy: oh okay [6/24/2017 9:54:39 AM] Jessy: who do you think she would go for [6/24/2017 9:55:32 AM] Scott: But I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they were wanting to do cause sam really just kept mentioning how I felt about you [6/24/2017 9:57:03 AM] Jessy: that's offputtig [6/24/2017 9:57:08 AM] Jessy: *offputting [6/24/2017 9:58:02 AM] Scott: Yeah, but it's just really clear that damage was done last night so I'm not even sure what's gonna be happening from here on out It made me think that I'm unsure if Scott is just lying about the call or if MJ is just trying to come up with a scenario for me to think is happening so I won't pull any moves. Then, I talked to MJ about the vote and he said that he was going to be on a road trip today so he's probably asleep by now. I talked to Connah about the game while MJ was online and while we were talking about the whole thing of us being on different sides, MJ pmed me. He said he pmed me because Connah sent him a funny quote about a joke I made. Then, I asked him if Connah sent him any game logs. The game logs were about us being on different sides in the Lydia/Connor returnee vote and then he kept on acting like he didn't know who was going to go because no one was talking to him. I asked him if Sam would be a vote he would want, and he said it depends if we have the numbers. He said I have to convince Allison+Andrew+Connor myself because he doesn't want to get himself involved in something controversial this tribal council after last round. I asked MJ about this, and he said Connah specifically said: "idk if I wanna stick with jessy or go with sam" "like I'm just confused" This made me paranoid, because I didn't know if Connah meant "stick with jessy" as a vote or "go with sam" as a vote. It's possible that MJ made it look like he meant regarding alliances and not a vote off, but it still made me paranoid. MJ then told me Connah went on call with Sam. MJ said he asked Connah what was going on and they were just talking about who they wanted to go. MJ said they both leaned towards Connor leaving. MJ then said Connah thought he should go with Sam (as in alliances). MJ said he would try to convince him to "string me along" next round and use me to vote Sam off. MJ then said if Sam convinced Connah to vote for me, he would try to convince him to go after Sam this round. MJ said he would prefer Connor to go now and Sam next round, but he's willing to consider it by starting it off with a conversation with Connah tomorrow. Our conversation ended, and I thought that I should try to message Sam in some way and let her know that I'm "flexible". I then said that people probably think we aren't together in the game and we could play that to our advantage. She said she was down if I was, but proceeding this she kept on saying she didn't know what she wanted to do and that "she has no power to throw out a name." This really annoyed me so I asked her who does and she said she doesn't know. Our conversation ended, but during it Connah messaged me asking me if I'm talking to anyone because it's really quiet. I was feeling a vibe that Sam told Connah she was talking to me, so I told him I was trying to resolve my issues with Sam. It got awkward so our conversation kinda died off. During all this, Andrew, Allison and Connor didn't have a lot to say about anything. Connor said he was at work all day and came back at 10 PM EDT and said sorry he was at work. I said it was okay then asked him if he talked to Josh recently. He never replied and then I asked him again an hour later and still received no reply. Now, Scott says he's back and is messaging my alliance chat with himself and Andrew. I haven't talked to Matt at all this vote. I said hey to Allison in pms but she never replied because I'm pretty sure she's been offline. I haven't talked to Josh either, but I have an opportunity to tonight because it's 2 PM for him in Phillippines.

Decisions, decisions.... I hate my position in this game as the "middle man" Anyways, Jessy/Andrew I think are expecting me to flip and vote Sam with them this round, but tbh I don't think I can flip on Sam and vote her out. Like if she goes, I don't want to be apart of that just because she trusts me a lot with her game. However, if they can manage to get her out this round I'm all theirs. Sam/MJ and co. said they want to do Allison, and because I don't trust Allison i think it might be safest for me to just vote her out and only flip if they're wanting to vote out Jessy/Andrew. Also spoke on call with Connor and hes trying to convince me to flip. The only way I see myself voting with them is if they vote MJ. But I just don't think that is realistic since Jessy is set on voting Sam. Which I personally cannot do since she is the only one I trust on that other side. Idk its all very up in the air, hopefully it isnt me that goes

9wegwpirangwfj tribals in an hour and a half and I really don't know what I'm gonna do. Apparently Josh would be okay with voting out MJ but I'm not sure if he really would. Part of me is thinking I should just vote Allison and if it ties, then I flip cause I don't wanna be rocked out pre-jury, especially since the only person I trust on Sam and Co side is Sam. I just know this is gonna be one huge clusterfuck

So.... much.... stress.... Josh and I agreed on just voting with the separate blocks, but I forgot that Sam has a vote negator so now I have to decide if I'm actually gonna go through with that plan or just flip and vote MJ. hregehgoihiqrehie I HATE THIS GAME

This game? Is crazy. I want to die. Somehow, through almost FIVE HOURS of acumalitive calls, I have managed to flip Josh and Scott so that we have majority. MJ SHOULD be going home. I literally did that. Like, i LITERALLY did THAT. Good god. Fingers crossed. It just makes sense? With MJ being a winner already and very good at flipping votes and winning challenges, we have the time to take him out so lets do it. Sam would be easier to vote out and I know Jessy wanted to, but with Matt having another idol and being immune, the two of them are too close for comfort. Actually, this entire game is too close for comfort. end my life.

why am i in the middle. i mean i guess i should count my blessings because i'm not getting voted out but this is such a hard position to be in

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 12: “”I Don’t Get it, dude. Why Lie?” - Pat” - MJ”

[10:18:33 PM] Pat: I don't get it, dude. Why lie?

I can't believe I got booted without making a confessional, what a tragedy. C'est la vie, I guess. Anyways, everyone left is gay now because they're on the rainbow tribe. I don't make the rules. 

An ode to Owen and Logan, Who named our alliance with a slogan. A fun time it was, Until I voted you out because: The tribe swap was a mess, It was all a game of chess, Malaysia wanted control, That we thought the OA could have stole. An ode to Owen and Logan. 

I made merge! And JURY!! I've never been a premerge hoe! So happy that I get to have a say in the final outcome of the game. Hopefully now I can further myself by reconnecting with old pals and making some new ones. Opportunities will hopefully start to flourish as the big guns go after each other. 

Very interesting to hear the tea from Lydia who seems to believe MJ is planting certain seeds about people, even me. Very interesting. I'm cautious of Lydia because now that I'm understanding the dynamics following the last vote on Kabru I think I'm in a better position than her. Only problem is by working with her I'd get her baggage in Wes/Pat. I know I have my tea time huns Steffen/Ruthie and I'm locked in with Jimmy/Jenn and to a lesser extent Kait. Honestly though my chat with Lydia was like an interrogation standoff which was really really uncomfortable. But I'm learning a lot

OMG THIS CHALLENGE, I feel like I'm going to fail, I need to pull out some random off the wall over the top nice things to insure my safety! 

since i didnt get a chance to do the music video i made my own!!!! depicts my mood after we merged and saw the ugly twist

I'm scared for my game now. I'm entering quite a negative head frame. People seem to be wrapped around MJ's fingers including several people battling it out to survive which is detrimental to my game. Best case for me if I can't win immunity is for Ruthie or Jakey to win, because they're glued to him, and taking one of them out reduces a number. Worst for me is if I lose and Steffen wins. I need him here if I'm here otherwise I'm screwed. I chatted out my issues with Wes which weren't really anything big but we're of the same opinion of what to do currently. If I get back into the game I'd keep my options open. Jakey is really nice to me but I kind of feel like he's fake? Like there are so many MEs I can take before I get bored. Plus he done the dirty on Matt which was a huge red flag for me. I feel like I'm in a good or pretty shit position. Working with Wes would be difficult considering his relationship with the other people here. I'll hope I win immunity although it's highly unlikely. At least I kept my streak of making jury!

Did I call Jakey winning this or what? Yes ma'am. 

Why does All Stars fuck over the already disadvantaged? Like we all desperately fought to keep our one life premerge and we get thrown to the dogs with two of us GUARANTEED to leave first? Pretty unfair. Possibly understandable for 1 round, because they managed to keep their second life however the second safety is just a piss take. It's like a kick in the teeth feeling that finally merge is going to open up new avenues for you and suddenly you're thrown back into the hunger games arena to fight for your life. I'll also be raging if Jakey wins a double immunity AND gets to vote at this tribal. He gets the best of both worlds? Literally FUCK.ME.UP. This is gonna result in Wes & I leaving, I can see it already. It's just really unfair. Like if the game only had one life I'd be long gone (as would these other people) but it's not, its two. And we're being punished for being on the bottom. It's like laugh at the poor people!!! Look at them they're so cute!! Look at them flop!!!  If I was scraping the bottom of the barrel before I've now found my way into a further dystopia.

The T is B U L L S H I T

I just need this saved.

Goodnight.

mj: save jack and wes! kait: save wes! me: My targets are Jack and Wes

ok but srsly i won immunity thank fucking god i prob would have died. Anywayzyzy, 

afetr that everyone was scrambling af and lMAO it was rly funny bc steffen and jack's stupid asses were like "LETS CALL!!!!" to try to "talk out our differences" and it was like the fakest thing ever i want both of them gone dfslkgjhsdlkjgh. but also want wes gone because he's just pat's useless cum rag so.

rn it looks like ruthie is close with steffen and steven is close with steven and im close with ruthie so us 4 are a thing???? and jack and wes are about to get clocked back to back.... which is good bc kait and mj want jack and wes safe so LMAO doing the opposite of what they want? NUT!!!!!! lkjfdglk jk but yall have enough allies let me cut yall supply down.

ummmmm yeah. steffen needs to go once we make the REAL merge stage. im already planting seeds on THAT with mj. i think steffen is close with kait ???? thats what i gathered from everything. everything that was told to me by kait on call last night and everything jack and steffen told me about when i was voted out on andaman

kait rly clocked me hard and tbh id rather work with her rn than jack or steffen. theyre both snakes that have literally no backbone. at least kait knows what shes doing and is smarter than them. i mean i dont wanna work with her long term... but if this shit is gna be voting blocks... i wanna use her for a couple rounds y'know. i'd much rather jenn/jimmy go before her anyway. am i rly contributing toward a positive kait edit rn...... God

at this tribal i think wes is leaving rn and jack will leave at the next. lkjdsghlkj ummm yeah im just gona work on rebuilding relationships and fixing and building some bonds. my ass is rly not ready for this merge

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IYkrLWCg-c

So I didn't expect that to happen, I'm crying and laughing and semi freaking out and AHHH.  I had such a blast on this island and I wish I had a speech prepared.  It's funny, it's merge and people are still playing Friendvivor instead of Survivor. Out of everyone in this game to vote me out I wasn't expecting it to be Steffen and Steven. because I just trusted them SO much. 

The ugly part of me just can't wait for one of them to join me next week and the other part of me wants them to make it far because they were two of my biggest allies in this game!  I guess voting Logan out with Jake, MJ and Carson really hurt me last week but I played the game and I'm happy with my game.  I wasn't afraid to make moves or get messy or go against the other people playing and I can't wait for the group of BFF's to make it to the end totally intact, I can tell a lot of feelings will end up being really hurt this season and I'm going to be there with popcorn to watch it happen!  

Going forward I want my boy Jakey to win!  He deserves it, he and I were the underdogs and I really think that he's going to make it far if he just keeps on winning! I'd also love for Carson, Steven or Steffen (Snakefen?) to win though too.  I guess we'll see what happens, it's been a fun but wild ride, that's for sure! <3