#but personally my money’s on intelligent life being weird to define

[plucky-passerine]

This is called the Fermi Paradox if you’re interested in doing your own research (which I recommend, it’s really cool). But also like. I get your point but scientists have 1000% acknowledged that last part. Like,

This is from the Wikipedia article about the Fermi Paradox. Astronomers absolutely know this is a possibility, scientists are just nerds that like to explore hypotheticals

I low-key love the fact that sci-fi has so conditioned us to expect to be hanging out with a bunch of cool space aliens, that legitimate, actual scientists keep proposing the most bizarre, three-blunts-into-the-rotation "theories" to explain the fact we're not.

Some of my favourites include:

Zoo Theory: What if there are loads of aliens out there, but they're not talking to us because of the Prime Directive from Star Trek? (Or because they're doing experiments on us???)

Dark Forest Theory: What if there are loads of aliens out there, but they all hate us and each other so they're all just waiting with a shotgun pointed at the door, ready to open fire on anything that moves?

Planetarium Theory: What if there's at least one alien with mastery over light and matter that's just making it seem to us that the universe is empty to us as, like, a joke?

Berserker Theory: What if there were loads of aliens, but one of them made infinite killer robots that murdered everyone and are coming for us next?!!

Like, the universe is at least 13,700,000,000 years old and 46,000,000,000 light years big. We have had the ability to transmit and receive signals for, what, 100 years, and our signals have so far travelled 200 light years?

The fact is biological life almost certainly has, does, or will develop elsewhere in the universe, and it's not impossible that a tiny amount of it has, does, or will develop in a way that we would understand as "intelligent". But, like, we're realistically never going to know because of the scale of the things involved.

So I'm proposing my own hypothesis. I call it the "Fool in a Field" hypothesis. It goes like this:

Humanity is a guy standing in the middle of a field at midnight. It's pitch black, he can't move, and he's been standing there for ages. He's just had the thought to swing his arms. He swings one of his arms, once, and does not hit another person. "Oh no!" He says. "Robots have killed them all!"

[loveemagicpeace]

North node- your path🌊

The sign in which the North Node falls denotes the psychological shift that needs to occur within the personality. The house containing the North Node shows the experiences that allow the person to access this new psychological awareness. In my experience, the house is at least of equal importance to the sign. The house position indicates the arena in which the life lessons of the North Node are learned. For ex:, if your North Node is in Cancer in the 11th House, you are learning to get in touch with and communicate your feelings, through cultivating the energy of friendships and learning to "go with the flow".if your North Node is in Aries in the 4th House, through getting in touch with your gut instincts (4th House) you can discover and communicate who you are (Aries.) . If the sign of your North Node is in the same sign as the house containing your North Node it simply means double the intensity of the same life lesson. If your North Node is in a house opposing the sign of your North Node it will be necessary for you to carefully and continuously check with yourself to find the right blending of behavior.

North Node in 1st house/Aries North Node-in this life you are focused on yourself, how you see yourself, personality. To learn how to be with yourself and love yourself. Accept yourself as you are. Being independent from others and believing in yourself. Being kind to yourself and not looking at others. You have the ability to see the difficult sides of others, but also their loving sides. You don't like to be with people when your dark side shows and you prefer to withdraw because you feel guilty. But then you can see yourself in a different light, and that's actually a good thing. You have to find someone who will accept it and not push you aside. When you make decisions, you can feel that it is the right decision and you must not make a decision impulsively, because that way you can make the wrong decision. You have to be aware of yourself and who you are, and when you are more in touch with your energy, then you will feel the real you. You need a partner with whom you can grow and become a better version of yourself, and thereby also get to know yourself.

North Node in 2nd house/Taurus North Node-your focus is to find value in yourself and not through money. Many people with this position see their worth or power only when they have money and think that makes them worth more. You can learn to find value in the things that make you happy and bring you peace. To enjoy life without including money in it. To find pleasure in food, good drink, movies, good company and being in your own comfort. To find trust in others and in yourself. To take things slowly and be patient. To live knowing that they live for themselves and not for others. You can be too vulnerable to the opinion of other people. You define your self-worth based on them. You could easily get help, and you attracted things to you naturally. The north node in second house suggests that in the past, you used sexuality as a means to get what you want. With this placement, you often possess a lot of sexual power. You are very charismatic, and other people are drawn to you. There were periods in your life when you were on the verge of collapse, where you had to completely recreate yourself, and come back and rise like phoenix.

North Node in 3rd house/ Gemini North Node- your focus is on communication, relatives, interaction, intelligence and learning. It is important that you are not focused on your truth but on the people around you. To listen to other people and understand their sides. That it's okay to ask if you don't understand something and that the question will never sound weird or crazy. You can learn to be okay with silence and connect with people through it. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words. It is also important that you choose one path, because the problem with this north node is that many times you are torn between two things. One path may be quite different from the other, but you can choose the path that suits you best. These people are learning to accept duality. Planet earth runs on the principles of yin and yang, night and day, cold and hot, female and male- seeing opposites that make a whole. U will better understand people when u will see filp side of the coin.

North Node in 4th house/Cancer North Node-in this life you are focused on home, family, comfort, people you know and who give you a sense of recognition. You have to learn to be with others and be connected to your family (which can be difficult) but this is also your purpose - maybe a better connection with your mother and to understand her better and build a better relationship with her. To support others in things and to feel accepted. You can sacrifice a lot for others and to make others feel better around you. You want the person next to you to feel safe. You have to also learn that you don't need to achieve everything right away and that it takes time and that no one is more successful than you. When it comes to relationships, you can learn not to control things but to let them go if your partner doesn't feel good enough in the relationship. They have the need to do everything just to keep their partner because they think that if they fulfill their needs then they will have a nice relationship, but this is not entirely true. First, they can fulfill their own needs.

North Node in 5th house/Leo North Node-in this life your focus is on children, hobbies, fun, inner child, romance.Many problems with taking responsibility have to do with trust. Leo North Node people violate other people's trust without intending to or recognizing when they have done it. This is why other people sometimes react violently against them. If these folks can see the child in other people, they will recognize that everyone operates from a certain level of trust that others are going to keep their word. You can learn to find your own fun and hobby that makes you happy and fulfilling. Above all, you can find your inner child and connect with this part of your life. Spending more time with people who are younger than you or children. You can proudly show your childish side and talents. Share your knowledge with others and don't be afraid to step in front of others and show yourself to the world. You could have had a more difficult childhood that was unusual and because of that you now want to find your childhood joy that you couldn't find before. You have to recognize your power and follow your ego. You are wonderful with children and children are “good karma” for you. It is important in relationships that both things are involved giving and receiving.

North Node in 6th house/Virgo North Node-in this life you have to find balance with your body and your job. You have to work in a job in which you feel that it is healthy for you, because the job can also cause you to get sick. You can find a routine that will suit you and in which you will find yourself. The connection with your body is important here. You must not doubt your abilities and be self-critical. You have to learn to find your perfection, which is in some ways imperfect. You are here to heal others and help them on their journey. You are often more aware of the pain of others than they are themselves. You can heal many people. You can also become a mentor to others. When it comes to love, you can't idealize others too much and you can let other people close and not look for an ideal partner. You have a lot of empathy for others and you listen to others without judging them and you like to help solve their problems. Sometimes you can also put off a lot of things. Like, say, time to pay a phone bill or an obligation. You often avoid this. You can be very messy at the times.

North Node in 7th house/Libra North Node-in this life, your focus is a partnership that will make you and the people around you happy. You can see two sides well and know how to overestimate a problem and solve problems in relationships. Finding a partner who will really suit you is difficult for you, because you may want someone who will match the image you have in your head. You might need a lot of confirmation from others that you are good enough and you want a lot of love from others. But here it is important that you find love within yourself and not from others. That you learn to receive love from your partner and that this is enough for you. To let go of the fear of disappointment and loss. Some of these folks are afraid to love anyone because they aren't accustomed to exchanging love. In this life, their early attempts may fail because they haven't learned how to exchange love. They close themselves off emotionally in response. However, they are learning that some people will love them for their innate individual spirit, and some will not. People are differ-ent, after all. You attract partners that are karmic.

North Node in 8th house/Scorpio North Node-in this life you want stability, depth and trust. You feel a lot of other people's energy and can have a lot of past lives. These people have such good and simple hearts. They must also accept and trust the help of others. You are a very mystical person who can quickly identify the energy of others. You like to build something worthwhile. You also have a special gift when you build things (relationship, business, etc.) you can build things so that they will last consciously. You want power and you want your money. You like things to be yours only, this is true in all things in life. That's why you don't like to build a relationship with someone if that person is not completely yours. It is also necessary to remove things that do not serve you from your life because you can stay in the old circle. When you decide to change - you win and when you decide to do things the old way you lose. It is very important to connect with your spiritual side because that will fulfill you and to look for people who are similar to you in these aspects. Find people who are deeper and more spiritual. Surrender more to the universe and trust that magical things will happen. These people are destined to experience a total bonding with another person. And this is also what they are looking for the most. These people are also destined to meet many soulmates.

North Node in 9th house/Sagittarius North Node-in this life you are looking for your belief and your truth. The more you travel and discover new things, the more you will learn about yourself and your journey here. You can find people with whom you can be exactly as you are and they will accept you as such. You have a gift for understanding others. Many times you can find yourself between two decisions such as "knowing" and "feeling", but your intuition will always be right, so rely on it. You can follow your path and trust that you are where you are, exactly where you can be. You can let go of things that hinder you and rely on others. You can find some peace within yourself and trust that this is just a journey you're on and it's fun and you always learn something new. To live in the moment and forget everything that hinders you and all the thoughts you have. Being more spontaneous and making decisions impulsively.

North Node in 10th house/Capricorn North Node-in this life you have learn to be yourself and find your own light that doesn't involve your family. Family can often be the reason why you don't do what makes you happy or why you don't follow your path. Many times you can feel that they are controlling you and your life. You can have problems with rejection in all aspects and you can learn that in life we ​​don't always win, but even losing can bring a lot. When you get over that fear, good things will come. You learn to be responsible for yourself and find out how to become independent and independent from others. This will also bring you great growth. Adulthood and maturity are also part of it. You can be a very good boss and you can also have good leadership skills. You want to gain the respect of others. You can boldly pursue your goals and believe that they will succeed. Above all, you can let go of your emotional attachment to your parents and you must not let them control you. Connect more with your emotions and needs. You want someone who will make you feel seen. You need a partner who will give you a sense of protection, strength, determination and will support you. When you find your goal and follow it, then you will also attract the right partner.

North Node in 11th house/Aquarius North Node-in this life you have to find your interests, friends, group and what you want in yourself. To belong to oneself and not to society. You have to let go and do things without expecting anything from them. You like to take risks, but when you lose, it brings you great disappointment. You must learn to lose in any area of ​​life, even if it's just a game. You must learn to control your ego and see things from a different perspective. You have to also look at the needs of others, which can sometimes be insufficient. You are meant to shine and take the stage, but with the right intentions. You have to learn that not everyone will love you and that not everyone will see you and give you the feeling that something you do is approved by them. You have the extraordinary gift of being able to build deep and unique friendships. And you can attract many people who will change your life. You tend to attract very unique people and idiosyncrasies. Being a child or teenager will bring you great joy. You must trust the flow of life and trust that it will bring you the best.

North Node in 12th house/Pisces North Node-you have to find your inner self in this life. Connecting to yourself and not looking for perfection. You can live in an imperfect world and do things with your soul and not your head. That way you will best achieve what you want. You have a lot of past life connections and can be very intuitive. You can become more aware of your existence and be okay with it. You like to plan things and you like to be in order. You can be critical of others and yourself, which is one of the things you can give up. It's good to make mistakes and to let yourself make them. You must realize that we are all only human and that this is normal. You can have an obsession with being able to analyze everything and get an answer as to why something is the way it is. You must embrace change and allow yourself to become more like a fish and just go with the flow of life. When things go wrong, you can get nervous and want to control things so that they go in the right direction, but in reality, you have to just let go and let go. In relationships, you have to let go of your emotions and let yourself be vulnerable. Facing the unknown and being okay with it. It is good to meditate and do yoga, this way you will connect better with yourself.

🎸For personal readings u can sign up here: https://snipfeed.co/bekylibra 🎸

-Rebekah🦋🧚🏼‍♀️🌊

[fenrhi]

On Eunyung Baek and his Autistic Swag: diving into the mind of a very peculiar teenager

This very serious essay, written by yours truly, esteemed professor at the University of Autismology (🇫🇷), will cover chapter 1 from the end of Hara Kang arc.

Disclaimers: Before going into the meat of the subject, let me stress that there's not One Right Way of being autistic or One True Interpretation of Eunyung. The reason this post exists is simple: I think Eunyung is a wonderfully well-written character that shares a lot of similarities with my humble person and wanted to discuss it in details.

Due to Tumblr's pictures limit, this post will have to be cut up in four parts. Here's part one.

Introduction (1) : what is "autism" anyway?

Autism, as defined by medical experts in my country, isn't a disease that can magically be cured, but rather a disorder/disability. However, those same medical experts also talk about "symptoms of autism", like symptoms of a disease and generally believe it's best for everyone if we can mitigate these "symptoms" as much as possible. In short, autism is "a burden" autistic people have to live with.

The part of the population that doesn't have autism (called "neurotypiques") mistakenly believe that autistic people can be neatly put in two distinct boxes: the box for "stupid, weird autistics who can't talk properly or at all" and the box for "highly intelligent autistics who always have good grades in school". In reality, autism is a spectrum, so it's more complicated than that, but we can still find common "symptoms" of autism. Usually, autistic people have trouble with language, communication (verbal and non-verbal), social interactions, changes in their routine and their own emotions. As a result, autistic people often feel isolated, irritated or depressed.

Introduction (2) : who is Eunyung?

At the time I'm writing this, Eunyung's past still remains opaque, but we do know he grew up in poverty, with an alcoholic father and a neglectful mother. It's strongly implied he was physically abused, but nothing was confirmed so far. He wasn't close to anyone in elementary school nor did he have an adult in his life who could help him. In the present day, he's often seen surrounded by guys his age, but characters who live in the same dorm as him find him weird and unpleasant. He also displays traits commonly seen in autistic people.

I) Narrow-mindedness: not being willing to accept opinions, beliefs, behaviors, etc. that are unusual or different from one's own

(from "Haejoon Goh arc" to "Eunyung Baek arc")

This part focuses on Eunyung having "inappropriate" reactions to events occurring aroung him, not understanding or caring about how his actions and words affect others, and why some people react in anger to something he did or said.

I-a) First impressions

Our first introduction to Eunyung is far from glorious: he steals Haejoon's wallet (the protagonist, currently homeless and parentless) and uses all his money to organize a party with his friends.

Eventually, Haejoon manages to find Eunyung and furiously demands he gives back the wallet. This is what their conversation looks like

Please do note that Eunyung, despite hearing about Haejoon bad reputation ("kid of the ghost house", "violent lunatic") and seeing him beat up some of his friends, still smiles and jokes around Haejoon, as if he was disconnected from the scene. As if what was happening around him wasn't affecting him (or couldn't affect him). He's the only one who reacts like that. All his friends are trembling like leaves at the sight of Haejoon.

After that, Eunyung insults Haejoon's mom, Haejoon makes fun of Eunyung's tent, they fight, the tent gets destroyed and one of them ends up in a hospital.

I-b) The dorm

Due to a series of unfortunate events, Haejoon now has to live in the same dorm as Eunyung. And yes, their cohabitation is going to be atrocious. In fact, their first fight in the dorm happens right after they meet there. Eunyung tries to gaslight (I'm using the real definition of that word, not the Tumblr one) Haejoon into thinking he wasn't the person who stole his wallet and hurt him. Haejoon almost believes this, until he sees his wallet falling from Eunyung's pocket.

Haejoon reacts to Eunyung's behavior with anger and Eunyung responds with confusion and irritation. In his perspective, he did everything right. He was acting so polite and nice, why couldn't Haejoon just play along? Why did he get so angry? It's not like he died! It's not like he was the only one who suffered!

The ease with which Eunyung lies highlights that he used this method to get out of troubles a lot in the past. Haejoon, as an "anomaly", greatly upsets him.

This pattern repeats itself when Eunyung invites friends in his room. He doesn't understand why Haejoon is making a fuss and mistakenly believes he feels jealous and lonely.

....and this sort of things happens again when Haejoo trips on the trash bags in front of Eunyung's room

Eunyung doesn't understand what "cleaning" means because his old house was always dirty. This is what he has always known. This is what feels "right" to him. He doesn't see why he should change his way of living now.

I-c) the school transfer

In ch21, another misunderstanding occurs between Haejoon and Eunyung, the latter thinking the former wants to go back to his old school.

At first, it looks like he's offended Haejoon wants to leave "just because" the house is dirty. Eunyung can endure this much, so why can't Haejoon do it too? Why can't Haejoon be more like him?

But Eunyung is also upset because he thinks Haejoon is leaving because he hates him. In Eunyung's mind, he was never "that cruel" to Haejoon, so he should just "put up" with Eunyung like he did before. Eunyung doesn't understand Haejoon, but he does know it hurts to be treated like that by Haejoon.

So, does that mean Eunyung is doomed to always be narrow-minded, unable to change his behavior? No, autistic people aren't like that. Eunyung certainly isn't like that either.

Which brings us to Part II....

[mourntheantagonist]

#HarringroveApril Day 7: Daisychain

***

“Mr. Harrington? Who’s your favorite student?”

The question came about at least once every year without fail, and he’d always answer in the same, textbook way.

“I don’t have favorites. I love all my kids equally.”

And, deservedly so, the whole class would grunt and moan because they knew just as well as he did that it was a load of bullshit. Steve loved every one of his kids, that part wasn’t a lie, but… he also definitely had his favorites.

For the graduating class of ‘90 when he was only a teaching assistant his name was Daniel. He was the youngest in his class because he started early, and he was incredibly bright. He could count higher, he could read quicker, and his mind just worked in ways that no adult could possibly understand. But it wasn’t the textbook intelligence that made Steve fall for this kid. It was his emotional intelligence. He was funny and he was kind and five year olds were cruel, but he never let that get to him. He had an outlook on life that Steve was jealous of, so when the other kids would turn him down for a game of checkers, Steve would happily join him, because Steve saw it as his job to keep that kid kind.

For the class of ‘91 it was Christopher. He was nothing like Daniel. He was held back and was repeating kindergarten, and that was evident in the way he walked through life. He was quiet and would voluntarily remove himself from the rest of the class. He’d sit by himself and read a book and get frustrated when he didn’t understand one of the words, he would swing by himself and he always tried to sneak off with the first graders when it was time to line up. And Steve perfectly resonated with that feeling of watching all of your friends move on without you. He was left in the dust too. When all his classmates moved on to college or hightailed it out of Hawkins, Steve was left there by himself, working at Family Video with his only friend in the grade below him, and it took her leaving him as well for Steve to finally get his shit together, haul his ass west of the Mississippi, and enroll in a community college and work towards his teaching degree.

And he did it, against all odds and obstacles in his way, he did it. It took extra work and the support of his best friend who he followed, and he did it. He saw himself in Christopher, and he wasn’t going to make that kid wait as long as he did to realize that setbacks don’t define his future.

Steve usually took a liking to the quiet kids, and that only changed in ‘93 with the girl named Amy and the familiar last name. She was loud, vibrant, and everyone loved her. Her smile was contagious and she could be the sweetest little girl at times, but she also wore her heart on her sleeve. She cried quite a bit, just the littlest thing could set her off. A boy accidentally knocking over her blocks, not knowing how to spell a certain word, accidentally coloring outside the lines. She didn’t throw tantrums like he saw in the other kids. She would just bow her head and cry and it would break Steve’s heart every time.

But other than those few moments, she was bright and charismatic and with the last name, the blonde curly hair, and the big personality, Steve really should have put it all together much sooner than he did.

He didn’t put it all together until he saw Billy Hargrove in the soup aisle at the local grocery store wearing a chain of little daisies on his head like a crown, and he knew exactly where it was from.

It was from the little girl named Amy Hargrove who frolicked in the field instead of playing on the playground, collecting flowers that she meticulously made into bracelets and crowns and anything else she put her mind to. She gave them to friends, she even gave one to Steve, and of course she would give one to her dad too.

He looked so different, and yet exactly the same. He still had the damn mullet, just dragging the eighties with him as far as he could, he was a little more cleaned up but still had a similar style to what it was in highschool. Still with the same denim jacket, denim jeans, Canadian tuxedo type deal. In a side by side picture situation you wouldn’t really be able to tell the difference. It wasn’t his dress or his hair or anything physical about him that made him look so different, it was the way that he carried himself. It was the relaxation and the eyes that didn’t droop and the smile lines that didn’t used to be there that made him almost entirely unrecognizable from the Billy Hargrove who pushed freshman against lockers and drove his car too loud and too fast and had cigarettes for three meals a day. Not the kid who ran off to California as soon as the hospital released him with only his Camaro and a small suitcase and a large sum of money the government used to keep his mouth shut, leaving just a note for Max on the fridge that didn’t get any more specific than that about where he was going, not even leaving a phone number for her to contact him with. He also didn’t look like the kid they all pictured in their heads after basically the whole town found out about exactly what Neil Hargrove did to his son behind closed doors.

Steve wanted to go up to him in the store, but he stopped himself. Because Billy left. Without a trace or a word, and who was Steve to think that Billy having to be reminded of something he voluntarily abandoned without a second thought would have any sort of positive outcome?

So he turned down the aisle and kept his distance from the man in the flower crown because he was scared. He wasn’t scared that Billy would see him and turn back to his old ways and hurt him again, he was scared that he’d turn back to his old ways and hurt himself again.

Because he’d been hurt enough already.

Steve successfully avoided Billy until parent teacher conferences had rolled around, and instead of seeing Amy’s mom on the list of names he’d be seeing that day, it was Billy’s.

Steve would be lying if he didn’t think about calling in sick and sending his TA in his place. But he still had to be her teacher for another six months, he just had to get the interaction over with.

Many of the parents that came before Billy had to have known he was on edge about something considering he excessively tapped the table with the eraser of his pencil and stuttered his way through conversations. His organized folders and notes of talking points had been entirely thrown out the window and he was an absolute nervous wreck. And he could only anticipate it being ten times worse when the cause of said anxiety walked through his door with the long hair and the leather jacket. It was only with the help of the little girl in the sunflower dress and daisies in her hair skipping from the entrance to the chair in front of him that calmed his nerves just a bit.

But Billy had just stayed at the door, no movement, and any hope that Steve had that perhaps his new haircut and the glasses on his face would be enough to keep Billy from noticing the obvious vanished when Billy snapped his fingers like the lightbulb in his head finally flickered on.

“I knew it couldn’t be a coincidence.”

Steve just held out his hand to shake like he did with any other parent, unsure how to gage the situation because Billy’s words could go either way and his facial expressions didn’t give him anything to go off of. It would be weird to introduce himself, he didn’t know what to say.

“Hi, I’m Amy’s teacher. Should we start?”

Billy looked a little confused, but he sat down in the little kindergartener chairs anyway. This meeting was almost more organized than the ones prior, likely because he was trying to go as quickly as possible and get it over with. Steve showed Billy some of her artwork and commented on how her reading comprehension was great but she could work on her spelling a little more. He didn’t want to bring it up, but he brought up the crying and it hurt to see how him bringing it up set her off again. The same bowing of the head and quiet sniffles into her sleeve.

But Steve thinks he just fell in love a little watching Billy comfort her. With one hand rubbing circles into her back and the other holding her small hand. Steve feels like shit watching her cry because of him and is also semi-fearful for his life because he already knows he can’t take Billy in a fight.

“Baby, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with crying. It’s okay.”

“You’re dad’s right Amy. I think it’s very healthy. Crying is good for you.”

She looks up at Steve with those big blue eyes and tear stained cheeks when he says that.

“Really?” she asks.

“Yeah! I’d say it even makes you more mature. Even some adults I know don’t let themselves cry and it’s not good.”

“My daddy cries a lot too.”

Steve looks at Billy who’s eyes widen when she says it, then tries to laugh it off like she didn’t just say that.

“Hey Amy, you wanna go and play while your daddy and I talk for a minute?”

She just nods her head and wipes away her remaining tears and quickly hauls the bucket of Lincoln Logs off the shelf.

“So. It’s been a while. Hasn’t it?” Steve starts.

“Yeah it has. So, you’re a teacher now.”

“And you’re a father. That’s crazy.” Steve was fiddling with his hands, trying to make the conversation less awkward. “She’s wonderful by the way.”

“Yeah. She doesn’t get it from me.”

Steve just shakes his head. “No. I don’t think that’s true. She has your charisma, and it appears you found a better way of channeling your emotions since last we saw each other. She’s a lot like you.”

“Thanks.” Billy blushed. He actually blushed. “I don’t know if this is allowed considering you’re her teacher, but would you want to catch up sometime? Maybe dinner or something?”

There it was. That was the olive branch. And Steve would be an absolute fool not to take it.

“I’d love to.”

Before they could come up with a time or a place, Amy was running over to the table with loudly stomping feet.

“I almost forgot! Daddy! show Mr. Harrington what I brought him!”

Billy reached into his pocket upon her demand and pulled out a little bracelet made out of little daisies and honeysuckle and handed it over to Steve.

“Thank you Amy! It’s lovely.”

“Daddy show him yours!”

Steve looked to Billy’s wrist where he slowly lifted his sleeve to reveal an almost exact replica to the bracelet in his hand.

“Looks like we’re matching.”

[thevindicativevordan]

You got any thoughts on Superman Birthright?

Probably my second or third favorite Superman origin, and the one that has my favorite Clark/Lex interactions.

Real pity it didn't get to stick as the "canon" origin because I like it a lot more than the Byrne origin that preceded it and the Johns Secret Origin that succeeded it. Smallville's influence is undeniable, but not a detriment, I like the Kents as flawed younger parents rather than wizened flawless mentors (if they have to be alive still when Clark becomes Superman that is). Pa Kent struggling with feelings of alienation with regards to Clark growing up and taking more of an interest in his heritage is still one of my favorite Pa/Clark moments in Superman's history. Ma Kent being a UFO buff is a great idea, apparently Waid had a story about that he never got to tell. I wonder what it was? Would probably make for a nice Annual or fill in story now that he's back at DC.

Lois is great of course, for all the reasons she usually is, as is Perry who gets way more panel space here than he usually does. Lois and Perry's relationship here is hilarious, love the gag where he writes out two lists of reasons to fire or keep her respectively. "No good place to hide the body" had me cackling. Jimmy though is just kind of there, he's the pal who has Supes back as always, but he's heavily overshadowed by the rest of the cast. Only real disappointment for me in terms of the core cast members.

There's a lot to like here in it's handling of Clark Kent as well. Love that Waid actually shows us Clark has travelled the world to gain some perspective, that he's not naïve or clueless, simply idealistic. He's seen the cruelty of the world up close, and he's also seen the way people react when they realize they're dealing with someone who has "gifts" (whether that's himself or Lex).

Showing us some of Clark's pre-Daily Planet journalist career is also a big pro for me, that's an area of Clark's life I wish got fleshed out more. Waid manages to establish a divide between the Clark and Superman identities that still makes the two feel different without it being a repeat of Pre-Crisis. It's a return to Superman being more "real" while Clark is more of a disguise, but "Clark" isn't bumbling so much as overlooked and ignored (which if you've lived in a big city is pretty much exactly how you get treated as a newcomer). His co-workers barely acknowledge his existence, Lois isn't giving him the time of day, Perry tears him a new one for not having a story to turn in about the ongoing alien invasion on time, Clark has to suffer in the trenches over the course of the story to prove himself.

Like Morrison's Action Comics run, this origin tries to fold a lot of the original Golden Age attitude back into Superman. This incarnation is a man with a temper, him shooting a gun then catching the bullet before it hits the guy who sold guns to a school shooter is literally a recreation of a Golden Age panel. Yet this isn't a "retro" take at all, despite being from Christopher Reeve's biggest fan. Waid writes Clark as someone who makes mistakes, fucks up in ways you don't typically see Superman do, and has a lot of doubts about whether or not he can live up to the task he's set before himself. Doesn't help that Metropolis doesn't welcome him any more easily as Superman than it does as Clark.

Public opinion about him is divided at first, then swings heavily to negative as Lex frames him for a false flag Kryptonian invasion, only to finally recover after he saves the day and exposes Lex. Personally I like Superman to have to work for that glowing reputation he usually enjoys, and if Lex is involved in trying to turn the public against him, so much the better. The anger and contempt towards Lex he demonstrates in particular sets the tone for the relationship between the two in the modern day.

Speaking of Lex, my God, this has got to be one of my favorite takes on him, and on his relationship with Clark, both pre and post Superman.

As adults Waid nails the Post-Crisis status quo of Lex being a selfish piece of shit who hides his nature behind a façade of philanthropy. For all his attempts at projecting an aura of power and intelligence, both of which he has in spades, Lex is so clearly defined by the lack of love and understanding he was shown as a youth. It's Superman "disrespecting" him, by not being happy to pose for photos with Lex after seeing him commit an act of sabotage, that pisses Lex off. For this "crime" Lex does everything he can to smear Superman to the public, and entertains holographic fantasies of dissecting Supes to copy his powers. He quips that killing Kal is "genocide" since he's the last of his people, something he demonstrates no empathy for at all given he laughs in Clark's face when he realizes Superman doesn't know he's the last.

Waid's Lex is probably one of the most monstrous incarnations, yet one of the most sympathetic as well. For my money, Waid is the one who convinced me that Clark and Lex being friends back in Smallville is a good thing.

One reason is that Clark gets to see how people react to "gifted" individuals. By observing the way Lex is treated for being unlike the rest, Clark gets a taste of what's to come if his own abilities were ever exposed. This has the dual benefit of establishing why Clark puts so much effort into making people feel at ease, and also establishing Lex as sympathetic for being unable to hide like Clark can.

The second big reason is that it shows why Clark thinks there's a chance Lex can be redeemed. Birthright Lex wasn't a monster from the start. At first he tried to help, but it always backfired. Doubling the efficiency of the milking machine scared/hurt the cows and upset Pa Kent, his ideas for how to improve the local government got rejected, and of course his experiment with Kryptonite. Sad twist of fate that Lex mistaking Clark's look of pain for the fear/disgust he sees everywhere else is what causes Clark to eventually give him that look of disgust for real when they reunite as adults. But having their first interactions be friendly instead of hostile makes Clark's hope that Lex can become a force for good feel grounded in reality instead of hopelessly naïve.

Can't gush enough about Yu's art either, he can make Superman look bright and inspiring, or scary as hell. His take on Metropolis makes it look and feel like a "City of Tomorrow", someplace exciting and dangerous, a city that needs Superman to protect it. Yu's Krypton is also one of my favorite incarnations, love that he gave Lara the S-curl! That's one idea from the DCAU I wish had become sacrosanct for all future origin retellings. Lara doesn't get to have enough influence on Kal to my tastes, so any little bit counts.

Sadly overlooked as it was coming out due to Azzarello and Lee doing For Tomorrow, it seems like it's risen in status after the fact. The S-shield being a symbol of hope on Krypton in addition to the El family crest has carried forward thanks to the DCEU (which is hilarious given Waid's feelings on that franchise).

Waid has another Superman project coming up next year with Brian Hitch that appears to be a "Year 2" follow up to Birthright. No clue if it will actually take place in strict continuity with Birthright, honestly it feels weird to have anyone but Yu do a direct followup to that, but Waid has said that a Superman run from him would basically be an issue 13 that continues from this story. I'm excited to see Waid take another big swing at Superman, I think he still has it in him to put out a great story, and Birthright being out of continuity may end up being to everyone's benefit. If this ends up being Waid's last Superman story, I hope he gets to do whatever he wants with the Birthrightverse. Kill off the Kents if that's his desire, I know he prefers them dead (as do I). Fingers crossed whatever he comes up with is good.

[amygdalagustd]

Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

[rein-ette]

Howdy! I'm going to ask your awesome question back at you ;) what do you think of England, both as a character and as a country? Do tell me all of your feelings towards the grumpy man 👀

Short Answer:

To borrow a phrase from my favourite writer/historian Barbara Tuchmann, if Canada is the country of my birth, England has always been the country of my heart.

Long Answer:

I actually fell in love with England the country a long time before I even knew England the character, but Hetalia certainly reinforced my infatuation ten-fold. I can't say when or how it started because I think I was pretty young (I remember my mom making me take notes on Greek and Roman history when I was like, 7, and uh, let's just say my obessession with Europe only grew after that). It's also kinda difficult for me to parse why I like the country because it's been a constant in my life for so long, but I'll try my best.

I think it might have begun with my fascination with WWII history. There's this Chinese idiom -- 乱世出英雄 -- which kinda encapsulates why the world wars and British history in particular so enchanted me. The literal translation of it would be "heroes emerge in turbulent times" but I think a better figurative approximation is the phrase "for darkness shows the stars." The world wars, British participation in the world wars, and British history in general has many, many dark episodes and in many ways exposes the worst of humanity. But I think it's also true that British history also brought out the best of us -- exposed the "heroes", so to speak. I refer not only to household names like Churchill but also the commanders on the ground, the suffragettes, the workers in the factories, and naturally the common soldier. Of course this is not a phenomenon unique to British history, but it was through British 20th century history that I first fell in love with history in general, so it holds a bit of a special place in my heart.

From a more objective perspective, Canadians are really steeped in British culture, ideas, and history, even if we don't realize it. I mean, most of the ideals we embrace, such as the rule of law or constitutional monarchy, as well as the things we celebrate -- the abolishment of slavery, for example -- stem from Britain. One cannot teach Canadian history in school without learning British history, and when you consider that Canada's massive sacrifices in the world wars also played a defining moment in its national identity, it's really no wonder that many still feel a kinship with the UK. Plus, like I mentioned in the response to needcake's ask, a lot of being Canadian is trying to differentiate ourselves from Americans, and one primary way we do that is by pointing to our loyalty to England and shared monarch.

I'm not sure if this is really obvious from the other side of the pond, but Queen Elizabeth also, like, plays a really insidious role. Idk if Aussies or Kiwis feel this way, but we really love Queen Liz and can't imagine a world without her on our money and all our fancy buildings and occasionally making her speeches. I was an air cadet as a teen too! We had to play God Save the Queen for closing parades every night, and I remember thinking, gosh, one day we'll have to sing God save the king, and they'll have to change all the lyrics and coins and bills and what not, and that's really weird.

But yeah, besides the history and the environment in Canada, I also follow British politics to some extent? It's not as common as following American politics here (if you talk to Canadians ab the American president it's not uncommon to hear people say "why did we elect him" etc.) but it isn't rare either. I mean, I read the Economist (no i'm not 10 billion years old) and I've done courses in British politics, read British authors, a lot of people like British actors and films and shows...the culture is just really widespread, I guess. I also have close friends who lived/live in London...oh, and I went to a British international school when I was young for a year. That might have played a role too. I should say here that I've never actually been to England in person so I can't comment on what its actually like, but it feels so familiar that sometimes I honestly forget i haven't been. I hope to actually study in London soon, actually, so if you have any advice/warnings, hit me!

Alright, onto Arthur. I just? Really? Love him? In particular I really admire his pragmatic worldview, even if I don't always agree with the conclusions it leads him to. When it comes to knowledge and analysis, he's someone who refuses to turn away from the truth, no matter how incovenient. Yet when it comes to his own emotions he's the complete opposite. That mix of cynicism and then escapism to relieve the emotional burden of his own cycnism is just...fascinating. I also really admire his intelligence in general, as well as his work ethic.

Perhaps what I love the most about Arthur, however, is his spirit. I mean, he's just so alive. Whether he's furious or devastated or overjoyed, he's someone who lives life so intensely, so fully, with such fury. When I write Arthur, that's often the feeling I try to capture: someone who cannot help but see all the suffering in life, but someone who cannot help but fight on, regardless. In a strange way, Arthur embodies hope at its most irrational. As Samuel Beckett wrote in the Unnamable, he's someone who is always telling himself: "You must go on. I can't go on. I'll go on."

Absolutely no one asked for fruk, but I'm just gonna seize this chance to throw out a little headcanon. I think this intense, somehow mortal quality of Arthur is what first captivated Francis. As I've written about a bit before, Francis to me has the most "eternal" feel out of the all the nations. He loves humanity and life as a whole, whereas Arthur lives like every second counts. For someone like Francis, who just adores beautiful, wild, transient things, Arthur is like mortality in a bottle -- so utterly enthralling that once he tasted it he could never get enough. Unlike Joan or other real humans, however, Arthur has proved far more durable to wear and tear :P

My final thought on Arthur is that he has so much contempt for fate, its actually both funny and admirable. If I may quote Tuchmann again, "no man ever lived who was less willing to be the victim of events." Arthur's someone who simply refuses to be bullied, even by grandaddy destiny itself, and I think we all love him for that, a little.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

A friendship with a narcissist

I had this friend--let’s call her G. I met G through church. She was an intelligent and creative woman, very well respected by others.

There WERE some early warning signs. She seemed to have a little affectation. Affectation is defined as, “behavior, speech, or writing that is artificial and designed to impress.  A studied display of real or pretended feeling.” Many narcissists just kind of give you the impression that they’re always on stage. Something just seems a little theatrical about their behavior. It’s a little grating and cringe. G and her husband often sang on a worship team, and the way that she closed her eyes and lifted her hands while singing seemed a little fake, a little more for show than the way her husband did it.

But then, some people just have an unfortunate manner. So I ignored it.

I knew G for a few years before we really became friends. I think we really got to know one another through a Bible study we were both going to. We were both well-educated, especially in English, both smart, had similar (liberal) politics. (Though, in retrospect, narcissists do often take on the politics and beliefs of the people they’re love-bombing, to make them more compatible. So I have no idea what her politics really were.)

Somehow, we became friends. We sat next to each other during service. We attended the same Bible study. After awhile, it became a weekly thing that I would go over to her house and we would go out to eat together. I also pet-sat for her when she and her husband went away.

It was tough holding a conversation with G. She had to use everything you said in some kind of clever comment. Either that, or she would feign being offended and twist whatever you had said into a slight or an insult against her. She did it with a smile in her eyes, to show she wasn’t mad, but still you would have to insist that you didn’t mean it like that, and often give her a compliment. It was EXHAUSTING holding a conversation with her sometimes because of the combination of walking on eggshells, trying to keep up with her clever commentary, and having to constantly reassure her of your good opinion. (A mutual friend of mine asked me once if I found it tiring to talk to G, so I know it wasn’t just me!)

Repeatedly, over the course of our friendship, she exclaimed spontaneously, “It’s so good to finally have a friend!” or, “You’re my only friend!” This always struck me as deeply weird, because I KNEW she had other good friends in our church. I often would point this out when she made comments like this, and she would brush it off, like, “Yes, but they can’t keep up with me in a conversation”, or some other compliment to me. I would let it drop, but I knew that these excuses weren’t true either, as I knew that at least a couple of the friends she had at church were just as intelligent and educated as I was. This always weirded me out at the time, and I know now that it was lovebombing: narcissists often go out of their way to pull in a target by assuring them that they have a special and unique relationship. They want you to feel flattered so you’ll stick with them.

Increasingly, I found that was I completely physically exhausted after an afternoon with G. I had chronic fatigue syndrome, so I did get tired easily, but I got more tired with G than I did hanging out with any of my other friends. After spending a couple of hours with G, I would have to go home and straight to bed. I thought this was strange, and it began to make me feel ambivalent about spending time with her. But I was very isolated at the time, and my weekly meetings with G were a way to get out of the house and go do something, so I felt dependent on their continuing. I have learned since that covert narcissists are sometimes called “energy vampires” because of how mentally--and indeed, physically--exhausting it can be to be around them.

G decided eventually to go into the ministry. (I have known a number of narcissists in the ministry; it’s a position that gives them lots of attention and narcissistic supply, and unfortunately has the side-effect of giving them lots of opportunities to victimize others through their spiritual authority.) I remember the first time she gave a sermon:

It was pretty cringe.

What she was saying was fine. The text was fine. But her affectation, which I had learned to ignore by that point, was much more obvious when she had a whole audience, a whole congregation, to impress. Public speaking seems to bring out the worst in narcissists with affectation.

But I was a good friend: I told her she did a great job, and gave her lots of reassurance (read: repeated compliments) that she had been wonderful.

I was struggling a great deal at that time with my parents. I was living with them again, and my mom had done an “emotional discard” with me. (The cycle of narcissism is to idealize the target, devalue them, and then sometimes suddenly discard them. My mom couldn’t suddenly disappear from my life, since she still wanted to be seen as a good parent, so instead she made it very clear to me in subtle and passive-aggressive ways that she wasn’t going to support me emotionally anymore and I didn’t matter to her at all. It was subtle enough that I wouldn’t be able to carry really awful stories of her to others and make her look like a bad mother, but also hurtful enough that living with her was torture.) Then, on top of that, my mom thought I had insulted her on my blog at one point and went into a complete narcissistic rage for a MONTH, doing everything possible to tear me down emotionally, while I just sat there, bewildered as to what was happening or why.

The result, especially since my parents had systematically undermined my self-confidence through gaslighting throughout my life, was that I couldn’t figure out what was going on in my relationship with my parents (and my mother in particular--I didn’t realize at that time that she was a covert narcissist, or even that her behavior constituted emotional neglect or abuse). I didn’t trust my own intuitions and my own feelings about it, and so I went to my friends to try to get an outside opinion, some kind of validation of my impressions. I had been indoctrinated by my parents with the idea that I was “constantly overreacting”, so I needed somebody else to tell me I wasn’t.

Luckily, I had one friend, Jen, who kept telling me that my mother’s behavior was abusive and unacceptable. But it’s so hard to believe that your own parents, who have raised you to believe that they’re ideal parents, are abusive or toxic. So I would bring all my troubles to G, too, looking for corroboration.

My interactions with G felt like my interactions with my mother, in the sense that SOMETIMES she would build me up and tell me I was right and that my feelings mattered and so forth, and sometimes she would side with my mother. Just like a gambling addict, I kept going back to her because I SOMETIMES got a payoff, and SOMETIMES it felt really good, but the price was that oftentimes, she made me feel like I WAS overreacting.

With Jen’s help, I eventually did figure out that my mother’s behavior was abusive (it was quite some time later that I managed to work out that her problem was narcissism; at this time I was still trying to work out if she had had some kind of minor psychotic break, her change in behavior had been so dramatic!). G seemed to support me, telling me about how she herself had felt as a child that she hated her emotionally neglectful parents. (I don’t think she was just putting this on to make me feel like she and I were similar; narcissistic personality disorder very frequently IS partially a product of early childhood emotional abuse/neglect.)

But still, I began to feel increasingly like G was gaslighting me. More and more, there were times when I told her a story about my mother’s behavior which I had already determined beyond a doubt was abusive--and G would play it down, or explain it away. I think she likely realized that my mother was like her, a fellow narcissist, and either she was sympathizing more with my mother’s situation than mine, or she wanted to keep me in thrall to narcissistic techniques of control, or both. If I got wise to my mother’s manipulative behavior, I could get wise to HER manipulative behavior, too. 

The friendship began to feel more and more uncomfortable and distasteful, but because I had so few friends in the area and so few opportunities to get away from my parents’ house, I kept seeing her every week.

(There was also an incident, when G was showing me the little apartment she and her husband had built over their garage. Knowing that my mother was abusive, I was trying to figure out how to leave my parents’ house--but I had nowhere to go, and little money to live on independently. So I asked G, “If things with my parents get really bad and I need to leave--can I come stay with you here for awhile?” Her answer was an immediate “No.” She told me that they had established the apartment so her sons could come stay with her. Her sons had homes and lives and jobs of their own, and one of them was married. But she was very emphatic that I could not come to stay with her, even if I was driven out of my house. I found this puzzling and hurtful, considering how nice she was always being to me and how she kept telling me I was her only real friend. To this day, I have never known either of her sons to come stay with her. I would like to add that it’s not that she didn’t have the right to decide who could come and stay in her guest room, and if she had been worried about something like the expense of helping to support me, I would have understood. But to claim she liked me SO MUCH and then to deny me support I needed that she could have given always struck me as contradictory--and revealing.)

Finally, I decided I needed to draw some boundaries. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what in G’s behavior was so toxic, but I knew there was something, and I needed to start working on weeding it out. So I found a behavior of hers that upset me, as a place to start.

She liked to give me unsolicited advice about things. It annoyed me because it was so often something that wouldn’t work for my situation, and getting this advice kind of triggered me. I realize now that part of the problem was that when she gave me advice, she was putting me in subordinate position. I was a full adult, over thirty years old, with a PhD, plenty old enough and competent enough to run my own life. She was about my parents’ age (25ish years older than me), and I felt like her giving me advice was her way of feeling superior to me.

So, I thought through what I was going to say, and the next time we got together, I asked her very nicely not to give me unsolicited advice anymore, because it upset me and wasn’t really helpful. I was worried about her reaction, but her reaction was perfect: a seemingly genuine, “Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize that upset you. Yes, I’ll stop. And if you catch me doing it and I don’t realize, say something, and I’ll stop.” I was relieved and gratified at her immediate acquiescence.

A few days later, I was texting with her, and she felt the need to give me unsolicited advice. And this wasn’t just a single line of, “Hey, have you thought of trying such-and-such?” No, she literally sent me a text SO LONG that my phone service broke it into three long sections (and actually sent them to me out of order) because it couldn’t handle it all. IIRC, it was about daily devotions, and she was describing EXACTLY how I should be doing my devotions.

Now, not only was this an egregious example of giving unsolicited advice in terms of length, but it was also a subject on which I felt she shouldn’t have been giving me advice in the first place. One’s Christian devotional practices are very personal, and other than “you should read the Bible and pray”, how you do it is really up to you. And she was giving me GRANULAR instructions on how to do my devotions.

I was annoyed, but she HAD said she might forget and give me advice by accident. So I texted back, “Thanks, but I can’t really use that advice.” or something to that effect. She texted back--and these aren’t the exact words, but they’re pretty close--”I was just trying to tell you what you should do.” 

...which... is what advice is.

I ended the conversation soon after, and I decided we probably needed a break and I needed some space in our relationship. I had felt that she was gaslighting me on the subject of my mom’s bad behavior, and now she was overstepping very clear boundaries. And boundaries have to be enforced, not to mention I really didn’t want to be spending so much time with her if she was going to behave this way. I worried a bit about how she would react when I turned her down for our next lunch date.

I needn’t have worried. She stopped contacting me entirely. Not a call, not a text, not a lunch date. From getting together every week, she very suddenly dropped our relationship entirely, cold turkey. 

On one hand, I was relieved. This meant I didn’t need to step back from our relationship myself. On the other hand, it was puzzling and hurtful. She knew that I was isolated and dealing with abuse and that I needed a strong social support system. Not to mention how she kept calling me her “ONLY FRIEND”. And yet she dropped me flat. I have since learned that this is characteristic of narcissists--another, more obvious form of the “discard”:

“When the target asks for compromise, reciprocity, empathy, integrity, honesty, and boundaries (all healthy and valid requests that people with extreme narcissistic qualities generally do not engage in), the person with narcissism may decide that the target has lost his or her luster and is tarnished—no longer the “perfect partner” to fluff the ego feathers. Inevitably, the discarding occurs when the person with narcissism either disappears or orchestrates his or her own abandonment by engaging in some form of egregious emotional abuse.” (source)

G’s discard of me was just as sudden as my mother’s, but was demonstrated through sudden literal/physical abandonment rather than sudden emotional abandonment.

That was in October. She DID call me up again one more time, in April, and we had one lunch together. By this time I had gotten diagnosed with C-PTSD from my mother’s emotional abuse, and I told G about it. She was perfectly nice at lunch, but I had a total emotional meltdown about something about an hour later that I attribute partly to G’s emotional/physical effect on me and my resulting lack of forks. That was in 2019. It has now been almost exactly two years, and I haven’t heard a word from her since. She apparently has also stopped going to our former church (I’ve stopped going there, too), and our former pastor has commented to me in emails that he misses me and G (thinking we’re still friends). I haven’t tried to disabuse him of the notion or tell him my suspicions, that G is a covert narcissist. I don’t know if he’d believe me or not, and since she isn’t going there anymore, there’s no need to tell him. I do worry that she might still be trying to work in the ministry, though.

So here’s the point of that story:

Was any of G’s behavior toward me overt abuse? No. There was something I think was gaslighting, and there was violation of boundaries, but not something that meets most people’s definition of abuse. I think G probably went out of her way to be nice to me because she was using me as narcissistic supply--just like my narcissist mother is SO NICE to all her friends, who all think she’s WONDERFUL, and saved her nastiness for those of us living in the house with her. So G was being careful NOT to abuse me, under the common definition of abuse.

But was there harm done? Yes. Being friends with G was harmful, both mentally and physically, to such an extent that the end of our friendship, sudden and unexpected as it was, filled me with relief. She was draining me emotionally in a time when I needed my friends to build me up instead. She was reinforcing my mother’s gaslighting of me, making it harder for me to get away from my abuser. She even literally made it harder for me to escape that abuse by refusing to give me any shelter despite her easy ability to do so and her avowed affection for me.

We humans need our relationships to be mutually supportive. Narcissists don’t know how to do mutually supportive. They only know how to pump you up with flattery in order to get narcissistic supply out of you. Relationships with narcissists, even “non-abusive” ones, are not relationships: they are a covert matter of cold transaction, in which the narcissist is determined to come out on top. 

This is why narcissistic apologism rings so hollow. The argument “Not all narcissists are abusive” is beside the point. G didn’t directly “abuse” me by many people’s definition of abuse. Yet being friends with her was still ultimately harmful. She didn’t harm me as much as some other narcissists I have known, but that may be because I had begun to learn a good bit about narcissism and emotional abuse by that time, and it was my getting wise to her that made her end the friendship. Being in a close relationship with a narcissist--be they a parent, a partner, a friend, or a boss--can be very damaging over the long term, even if the narcissist isn’t overtly abusive. Yes, G’s narcissism probably came from a history of emotional abuse/neglect at the hands of her parents. This is true of many narcissists, including my mother. I feel bad for that. No, on some level she can’t help her natural instincts. But I also don’t need to put myself in danger by engaging in relationships with narcissists on the off-chance that they won’t harm me. I will also warn people about the characteristics of narcissists so that they, too, can protect themselves. 

I don’t blame tigers for being tigers, but I don’t try to make friends with them. And telling other people that tigers make for dangerous friends doesn’t make me a bad person. *

Meredith Miller writes**, “After years of talking with people in my personal and professional life about covert narcissists, I’ve come to believe that in order to really understand the nature of the covert narcissist, you have to have lived it. . . . Only someone who has been inside that nightmare can really know what the experience is like. Even then it’s hard to describe.” I think she’s probably right. So I don’t expect narcissist apologists to really understand, and this post probably won’t change some of their minds. But people who are currently experiencing narcissistic abuse need to know that narcissistic abuse DOES exist, that it IS harmful. They need to know what it looks like so they can escape their abuser’s gaslighting. Information about covert narcissists and narcissistic abuse is a necessary tool for escape and recovery. Telling someone who is being covertly abused by a narcissist that anything bad that is said about narcissists is immoral and false is only trapping them in the cycle of abuse and its debilitating psychological and physical effects.

I hope that G, like the other narcissists I’ve known, has a good and happy life. But I don’t want to be any part of it, and I would recommend that others keep clear, as well.

*This is not an attempt to dehumanize narcissists. Narcissists are people, not animals.

**Foreword to The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

What do you feel about amandamaryanna’s video on gossip girl and cosplaying poor? It reminds me of those tik tok videos that are about the most insane rich person behavior you’ve experienced. I feel like it’s subjective because the characters Dan Vanessa and Zoya are basing their poor ness around THEIR environment. So yes, there are MANY people who are actually poor but compared to their UES counterparts they would be considered “poor” due to the fact that they do not have the insane amount of disposable wealth that the other characters have and I do not really see that as them trying to cosplay as poor.

Also what are your thoughts on her argument on GG not really talking about class consciousness and POC issues. Even though the characters Ursula, Jane and Raina had short appearances on the show, as a Black person I think that is was great that they added the few POC characters on GG because their identity was not the main focus of their characters. Usually with Black or POC characters they have to go through some racial turmoil as part of the plot and in GG they got to be rich UES-ers simply because they are. Even though GG is very verryy flawed Penelope, Nelly, Kati, Isabelle and Zoe were shown how POC characters can be rich like the white characters in the show as well GG is obviously a fictional show that’s not based on anything so I don’t think that racial income statistics/racial implications need to be talked about 24/7.

so i started watching this video & just ended up reading the transcript instead. anyway. under a read more:

like, yes. i agree with her on one hand - i think gossip girl 2007 messed up by making dan's grievances be connected to financial status, because the humphreys certainly weren't "poor". like i think this point she says makes sense to an extent:

The comparison between outsiders and insiders and gossip girl is all about relativity. To the average viewer it seems absurd that a character like Dan is supposed to represent the outsider when he is so farther in than any of us could get.

But honestly, something i hate is how people who talk about this show act as if everyone who's watching is expected to know the prices of rent in new york city, etc. like i did NOT realise how expensive that loft is until someone else mentioned it to me and i would not have guessed! who is your "average viewer" - is it an American? someone who lives in New York? someone who lives in Brooklyn? you can't just define an average viewer in that way, i feel! like you are making a BIG Assumption there and it's not necessarily accurate. people who aren't american watch american tv! such is the world we are living in.

but keeping that aside, yeah: dan and jenny had stable and secure housing, the guarantee of meals, and were attending expensive private schools, so i think the show's messaging regarding class was a little strange. they definitely weren't in a financially unstable situation.

but also, you're right. like, dan and jenny weren't super duper broke, and at no point do they actually act like they are, tbh. dan is very 'oh my parents sacrificed so much to send me to st jude's' and jenny is very 'damn i wish i was richer' but there isn't really an instance where the humphreys seem to view themselves as being extremely poor, that i remember at least. in s1, jenny says something along the lines of, "we're humphreys; we're not exactly royalty." and like. she is not wrong! they're financially stable kids, but they're ordinary kids living in an environment where everyone else has the safety net of millionnaire parents to fall back on, and however much money rufus has, he isn't that.

so i think it's a grey area, like, YES, the humphreys have wealth related privilege (i don't know if this can be said for v, because honestly we don't know much about her living situation, but we do know that she works as a waitress for a bit in s1, and also that she's homeschooled, so she isn't shelling out big $$ for school fees.) but also dan and jenny are treated as 'less than' because they are considered nobodies.

and i feel like THAT is the angle the show should have taken. not "i am oppressed because i am not rich" but rather, "everyone at school alienates me and treats me different and it's making things so difficult for me." whenever people say that dan and jenny acted like they were more oppressed than they actually were i'm like. they were both, in different ways, made to feel small and insecure and hopeless, at school? like of COURSE they're gonna feel victimised. dan is treated like he doesn't exist, and jenny is treated so horribly that i don't even have an adjective. like. i think the writing of the show would've been much stronger if it had focused on THAT and not made it a class thing.

i haven't watched the reboot beyond ep02, so i'm not gonna comment on that.

so yeah, i don't think it was 'cosplaying poor' as much as it was 'showing wealth related stuff extremely inaccurately.' like an anon told me, portraying nyu as community college is super inaccurate, as well. and it makes no sense? like i don't know why they had to do this and why they couldn't just... shoot at a regular community college. gossip girl 2007 did not care for representing poor people at all, like, if you watch the show you can tell that it just luxuriates in this aesthetic of like: more food than anybody can eat at every meal. so many luxuries. unnecessarily expensive things everywhere. like the show was very much luxury porn. to me it felt like it wasn't cosplaying poor as much as it was offering people a chance to wank off to the rich. & maybe because of that, the humphreys weren't allowed to be poorer. gg 2007 wasn't supposed to represent all of NY, it was supposed to represent the uber rich elite. and then you have dan and jenny humphrey, and vanessa abrams. they weren't allowed to be rich, because we needed a class conflict. but they weren't allowed to be poor, either, because this show was all about rich people aesthetics. so we got something weird & in the middle instead.

people forget that chuck was canonically a billionnaire - like, that is a LOT of money. and he is dan & jenny's peer! sadly, i think solely because of THAT, a lot of the oppression the humphreys face... checks out. like chuck being shitty to both dan and jenny - he' has an unethical, absurd, uncomparable-to-whatever-the-humphreys-have amount of money. he can do whatever he wants & buy his way out of there. rufus humphrey's ten thousand dollars or whatever amount he mentions are like pocket change to that guy. if jenny is gonna be treated like a commodity by everyone around her, do her upper middle class roots and expensive loft really matter? well, not do they matter as much as like. can they protect her? (we've watched the show. we know the answer is no.)

re: the characters of colour... i think it's subjective. i ADORE raina, and honestly, if we'd had a NJBC that was nate, serena, blair & raina, the show would've actually been AMAZING. like raina was such a cool character to me - i liked that she was driven, passionate, intelligent, sensitive, caring, fun-loving, thoughtful.... she wasn't on the show for long, but her character felt really solid and fleshed out. i remember a review (idk who wrote this one) in which someone felt that raina's character was "lazy" because a lot of her traits and her backstory paralleled chuck, but i strongly disagree. on raina, those traits were interesting. on chuck, any backstory and larger motive felt like a carpet to cover the dust that was his predatory nature, and to me, felt forced and off. like. this dude assaulted people, i don't care about his daddy issues. but raina seemed SO amazing. her backstory actually fit her personality and gave her depth, and to me, didn't feel forced.

i liked ursula, too! she was a really minor character, but she had a whole arc, and i liked that a LOT. her friendship with serena was very cute! i sadly do not remember jane. i think she was... someone's assistant? but i don't remember who. but i agree with you about raina and ursula, their arcs were very interesting and did not end up being about racial trauma & all that, which, like you said, is refreshing when done right.

that said, i think blair's minions were, uh, an example of blair's racism, and i think it would've been cool if the show unpacked that. blair uses her minions as a status symbol - her 17th birthday at kati's place which is anime themed (?) leaves a bad taste in my mouth because it feels very tokenising of a culture that blair isn't a part of? it would be different if blair treated her minions with respect and dignity and like they were her equals and peers, but she doesn't. the word "minions" itself makes me flinch because it's such a "oh you're inferior" kind of word. it felt to me very much like - they never got to be characters in their own right. they solely existed to prop up blair. and i think that is racist. there was a sense of "Oh, I can't be racist! I have a Black friend and an Asian friend" from Blair - like that's what kati & is were to her. and i think that is a big problem, especially glossed over like that.

i also do think that racial stuff doesn't always need to be the focus! but i don't think it can ever be completely ignored, either. an example of something that is maybe unintentionally racist, but racist nonetheless, is how dan cuts vanessa out of his life entirely but forgives his white friends for treating him farrrr worse. it's an inherent double standard, because dan kind of went "oh yeah. my threshold for white people fucking me over is really high, but if my Black best friend who's so close we're practically family does something even slightly wrong i'm going to cut her out of my life 4ever." did the writers realise this? i don't know. maybe they just didn't think about it. but this is exactly the sort of double standards and racist bullshit that woc, especially Black women, have to face irl (though of course i don't need to tell you that at all), except here, the narrative doesn't even address that, hey, maybe dan's being a dick by reacting this way. and i think that's a problem, too.

[c-c-cherry]

Our local mafia dads meeting their childrens’ parents!!

Okay, I’ve gotten A LOT of asks about Bruno + Abba meeting Dio and I’ve also gotten an ask or two about them meeting the gang’s parents so they all kind of correlate together so I decided to make one post about it!

For the sake of Polnareff’s sanity, I have to keep all the crusaders alive or else things will end up messy hehehe

*someone asked for Diego but like,,,I haven’t read that much of SBR yet so I don’t think I can do it solely because of lack of character knowledge. I'm sorry anon :(*

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I got a shit ton of asks specificically for a post like this so I hope y’all enjoy <3:

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Giorno

Our boy Giogio has a very complicated family tree, but let's just start with the elephant in the room. Or should I say, the literal fucking vampire.

-Dio would be...interesting, for sure. But he wouldn’t exactly look out of place in their household, considering they’re all wearing ridiculous outfits. 

-Depending on how Dio actually acts, Bucciarati would probably invite him in for tea and Abba would sit there silently admiring his green lipstick which he’s 99% sure he saw at Sephora earlier

-You know how fucking extra the man is. The moment he sees Giorno this man literally bursts into dramatic tears with mascara rolling down his face and everything and Giorno is just like “????”

-They would have never guessed that Gio and Dio were related by personality alone. They contradict each other so much its almost funny

-They DO know where our boy got his sense of style from, though,,,and that fucking hair,, :’)

-Even if Dio is absolutely fucking pretty feral, I could see all of them having a pretty civil conversation about everything

-If Giorno wanted to go live with him, he was free to, (but he doesn’t have to)

-Dio learns about Giorno’s previous home life and it takes like 6 people to hold him down for him to not go and march down to his old house to commit vampire crimes

-Dio is scared of shit like tvs and the microwaves and they pay no mind to how weird he is and don’t pick up on the fact that he’s a vampire at all

-Until Polnareff emerges from the turtle, takes one look and him and GOES FUCKING OFF-

-Dio Brando is no longer welcome in the Bucci household

-Though he can see Giorno on weekends if he’s good :3

-Abbacchio can and will sneak out to go shopping with him because Dio always manages to have way too much fucking money and no one knows where it comes from

-Once Bruno finds out, (which he does from the empty Versace and Louis Vuitton bags stashed under his bed) the fun is over >:(

Giorno’s mama and step-dad...yeesh...

-you’ve seen how I made them react to those two if you read The Storm a few months back, and I still stand to the fact that if Giorno didn’t talk about his parents, they would just assume that he just had a weird relationship with them and didn’t want to talk about it

-Once they find everything out, though…*cracks knuckles*

-Bucciarati is the type of person to pick his battles. Would he have tea with Giorno’s mother just to learn her weaknesses and then slowly deteriorate her? Would he civilly promise Giorno’s step-father money only for an assassination team to show up at his door once he gives Bruno his address?

-Yes.

-Abba will go straight for the kill once he’s pissed. Don’t tell me otherwise. Man is ready to throw hands at all times and he’s not afraid to beat the shit out of some shitty middle-aged people

Narancia

Narancia’s mom, like any other sweet mama, would probably sit down to lunch with Bruno and thank him for looking after her son :)

-It would be sweet, very nice and wholesome

-Like literally if the two of them ever met they would probably just sit down together and talk about Narancia and that’s literally it

-Abba claims that he “doesn't pick favourites” (because all the fucking gremlins drive him crazy) but he secretly does favour Nara over any of the other kids

-Knowing everything Nara’s gone through, he would only treat Mela with respect if he ever had the chance to meet her

His dad on the other hand...

-Bruno wants absolutely nothing to do with the man

-He knows that it isn’t entirely his fault for everything that happened with Narancia throughout his childhood, but he wasn’t there when he should have been

-People that simply don’t care to the point of neglect absolutely infuriate Abbacchio because he was like that once too and he’s seen the damage that it does firsthand

-Abba knows if he ever ran into the guy, there’d be hell to pay

-But that’s how he feels about most of his “kids’” parents (considering most of them are absolute assholes)

Trish

-I feel like how they would react to her father is pretty self-explanatory,,,

-but Oh MY GOD Donatella Una and Bucciarati going on shopping sprees together? Being fucking bougie as shit together??? Can I say gucci and mineral water dream team????

-I can bring her back to life if I want to >:(

-She’s the kind of person who’s really great to go out with—like to bars, clubs, restaurants, etc,,,and is willing to do absolutely anything as long as she gets the social rush

-Trish is pretty quiet but her mama’s atmosphere is fucking CONTAGIOUS

-Abba and Dona would do each other’s makeup and she’s the kind of lady that shows up at his door with a pile of DVDs and those fucking cucumber face masks

-Also she collects those expensive-ass collector’s edition barbie dolls and Bruno and Abba always give her the latest holiday barbie for Christmas :)))))

Mista

-Honestly, I kinda see Mista’s parents as pretty ordinary people with nothing really defining their personalities

-They both work a lot and were never really around that much, but once Mista went to jail they pretty much just never reconnected with him and don’t really plan to

-Bruno isn’t particularly angry at Mista’s parents; the kid fucked up pretty bad and even Mista knows that he can’t really blame his family for not wanting to reconnect with a murderer

-It would be pretty mutual if he ever met them; probably a dull greeting over lunch and then they would get back to work

-Abbacchio wouldn’t even bother. He has no tolerance for people that don’t want to interact with them (although if Mista really wanted him to meet them he would suck it up and be decent)

-They seem like the kind of stiff people who would freak out if they were talking to a gang member or someone who lives rougher so their interaction wouldn’t exactly be a long one lol

Fugo

-Fugo doesn’t hate his parents

-In his heart, he still really just wants approval from them even after all they did

-I’m not sure how Bruno and Leone would possibly meet them, but if they did, Bucciarati would probably be pretty civil about it

-They wouldn’t want to talk about their son at all, which would make Bruno pretty irritated and Abbacchio infuriated

-When they do talk about him, they just talk about his anger issues and the fact that he failed their family in both the education department and the social aspect and it takes everything in both of them not to flip the fucking table over

-Because obviously his “parents” never spent any time with him or else they would know how intelligent he is and how much he loves playing piano and helping Bucciarati bake bread and how much he cares about everyone around him

-Surprisingly though, Bruno is the one who holds a grudge about it. If they hadn’t put him in college as young as they did, maybe things would have been different and he wouldn’t be working for the Italian mafia >:( (but he still feels more than blessed to have Fugo in his life) :)

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I have so many posts now that I feel like my headcanons might get lost within my sea of all my other stuff as the time passes,,,I’m thinking of just making a fic/headcanon masterlist and keeping it constantly pinned! (I would link it in my bio but that shit isn’t working no matter how many times I try sjhdkjgfd I hate Tumblr)

If you’ve got an ask, request, or headcanon, hit me up! (I do just enjoy y’alls immaculate vibes, too) <3

[rimalovegood]

Pokemon AU: The Seven Brothers as Pokemon trainers

A few years ago I made a similar set of headcanon’s for the MysMe characters and what kind of team they’d had if they were pokemon trainer and to this day it’s one of my favorite things I’ve written so I decided to do something similar for the Obey Me! characters.

(Since Tumblr hates links I’ll later reblog this with the source I used for the trainer ID’s but the Deviantart user is on each picture anyways)

Elite four member Lucifer wants to fight…

-The last and most powerful member of the Elite four, if you want to challenge Diavolo you have to very literally go through him and he has a team to be feared.

-Hydreigon and Houndoom are loosely based on Cerberus so I think they fit him very well, also they are known to be very aggressive when defied, just like Lucifer.

-Oricorio was a gift from Diavolo, he was really exicited about the idea of having matching pokemon with Lucifer and Barbatos and he chose the sensu form because it’s elegancy reminded him of Lucifer.

-Speaking of elegancy Persian and Tsareena are elegant royalty-like pokemon that give a prideful aura which fits Lucifer pretty well.

-Salamence it’s a little more difficult to explain. For this headcanon I asked friends that are pokemon fans but know nothing about otomes which pokemon reminded them of the deathly sins and the answer for pride was Salamence… at first I didn’t see it but the earlier stages of Salamence’s only wish it’s flying so on their final stage when it finally can fly there are proud of their wings. Also I can see Lucifer Salamence as reminder of his grief, a pokemon who left the ground and went into the sky for the angel that fell from there.

Elite four member Mammon wants to fight…

-he thinks being an Elite Four member is too much work but is also very proud of being one of the top trainers of the Devildom... just a little salty about being the first member thought; he knows he cannot beat Lucifer or Barbatos but surely he can beat Simeon, can’t he? (no, he can’t)

-His ace, Crobat is based a lot on how he is defined as a character. Zubat is a pokemon that’s usually looked down on and is often associated with evil teams but how does it evolves to Crobat and becomes it’s most powerful self? Throught friendship…and idk that reminds me a lot of Mammon.

-Sableye and Meowth are based on his sin. Sableye is known for tealing jewel (a very good companion for the avatar of greed) and Meowth is supposed to attract money.

-We all know this guy is a gambler and nobody can beat him at gambling, well, what’s the biggest prize you can get on pokemon casino on the older games? Yes, Porygon.

-Slowbro ended up on his team somewhat by accident, Mammon heard slowpoke tails were considered a delicatessen and not only that they grew back afterwards so he saw having one as a good investment….the problem was that just after he caught his slowpoke a Shellder attacked them and bit Slowpoke’s tail making it evolve into Slowbro.

-Scrafty has a similar aesthetic and it’s quick to get into fights, I figured out it would go well with Mammon.

Gym Leader Leviathan wants to fight…

-The water type gym leader, he is famous for the complex riddles every challenger must answer before even getting the chance to fight him.

-Has an old rivalry with Mammon and low key believes he should be on the elite four on his place

- As you might have guessed Seviper and Goldeen are inspired on Henry 1.0 and 2.0; he loves all his team but these two are the ones he had had for the longest and his favorites.

-Toxapex is basically Levi in pokemon form, a water/poison pokemon that when threatened hides on their shell and sends poison around, much like how Levi hides from the world on his room and acts all tsundere.

-For Levi raising one of the weakest pokemon into Gyarados was like farming on one of his MMORPGs and as he would do on one of those he completely outdid himself to the point it became his most powerful pokemon and the one every trainer fears whenever they enter his gym.

- Both Skrelp and Tentacruel are poison and water types and fit his character aesthetic pretty well (If you guessed the other reason why I chose Tentacruel you are reading too much Levi fancfiction….And I’m too)

Gym Leader Satan wants to fight…

-The leader of the Psychic type gym. His gym is themed around an escape room and only the ones who can solve the mystery can challenge the leader.

-Before becoming a gym leader he traveled through a lot of regions learning all he could about pokemon so his team includes species he caught on a bunch of different places.

-the psychic type is often associated with intelligence and knowledge so I think it fits him well.

-There is no much to say about Galarian rapidash, it’s a psychic unicorn. He had to have one.

-Alakazam is known to be more intelligent than humans, a fitting partner for someone who believes knowledge is power

-Grumpig and Darmanitan are inspired on his sin. Grumpig has very powerful psychic power that he unleash upon angered and Darmanitan is a very calm pokemon when he is on zen mode but unleash all his wrath when it goes into blaze mode.

-Satan it’s not only book smart, he is also an adventurer so of course he’d feel attracted to the mysterious Sigilyph  usually found on ancient ruins and inspired on the Nazca lines.

-the last member of the team was a little more difficult to pick. Gallade is basically a white knight which is a weird thing to call a demon but if there is one that can act as one that’s Satan

Gym Leader Asmodeus wants to fight…

-Fairy type gym leader, he is also part time a contest trainer and he is really good at it.

-of course he only surrounds himself by pokemon as beautiful as himself.

-Asmo’s personality is based on the duality between his sweet and beautiful exterior and his darker side he keeps well hidden. Most of his pokemon show this but particularly Mimikyu, a pokemon that in its desire to be loved takes the appearance of the famous Pikachu.

-Hatterene just like Asmo has power over people’s feelings and on it’s design it reminds me so much of Asmo I had to make it his ace.

-Aromatisse is a pokemon based on perfume, cancan dancers and plague doctors. It likes being the center of attention as much as Asmo, so they’d get along well

-Shiinotic, Mawile and Gliscor represent his most dangerous side, not for nothing his animal is an scorpion. Both Shiinotic and Mawile are pokemon that are beautiful to look at but if you get too close you’d get either poisoned or biten…and well, Gligar is a literal scorpion (Sorry, the plot doesn’t give us much to work wih on this side, Asmo’s content tent to focus on his more “look I’m beautiful” side)

Gym Leader Beelzebub wants to fight…

-Normal type gym leader

-His team just like him looks bulky but they are a bunch of sweethearts.

-Tauros was inspired on his horns and the way he barrels like a bull when angered

-I know Greedent literally had greed on the name but it represents his gluttony as Greedent is known for hoarding and eating all food available.

-Munchlax had a similar reason behind, they eat a lot but are also very active. Much like Beel.

-Beel caught a little Teddyursa when younger because he thought it was cute and he loved seeing the little bear napping along Belphie. As they trained and grew stronger Teddyursa evolved on his most powerful pokemon, Ursaring.

-Miltank was a gift from Belphie, the younger twin figured Beel would enjoy having a limitless fountain of food with him.

-Cutiefly, I know this one doesn’t like it belongs on the team but it’s a cutie and a fly so I have to give one to Beel.

Gym Leader Belphegor wants to fight…

-Dark type gym leader (you all know why)

-Komala lives all its life asleep hugging a log like it’s a pillow, if that doesn’t scream Belphie I don’t know what.

-Musharna is a pokemon that’s said to bring good dreams, the same way Belphie got Miltank for Beel, Beel caught Musharna to take care of Belphie.

-Zoroark and Liepard are known for being tricksters and liars, much like Belphie enjoys pranking Lucifer and on the beginning hides his true nature from the MC. Inkay was chosen for a very similar reason he is a cute squid but has the potential to turn into the very dangerous Malamar.

-I’m going to get angsty and spoiler-ry on this one so consider yourself warned. Absol is believed to attract disaster and misery just like Belphie blames himself for what happened to Lilith and avoids peolple because of his guilt to the point he ends up causing real misery when he killed MC.

The undatebles coming soon...

[boseongkrp]

( the friend #3, park chaeyoung/rose, she/her ) — introducing BAEK SERIN, the 22 year old WAITRESS AND MUSICIAN at devil’s kitchen bar, known around boseong as THE MELOMANIAC. the residents would describe her as painted nails & lipstick stains on cigarettes, lyrics hidden within coffee-stained journals, 1980’s jazz, indie, funk, and rock.

now loading her interview....

PLEASE TELL US MORE ABOUT YOURSELF.

“More about myself, huh?” She quips, supporting her chin in one of her two hands. “I can spin my hands 360 degrees. Wanna see?” An eyebrow quirks as she focuses her gaze on the person before her and doesn’t try to say anything else on the matter of her weird skill, allowing the subject to vanish when the other clears their throat. She shouldn’t have been sitting in this room again in the first place. She remembers too much, even now.

“The story goes like this— Mother was high up in the hierarchy of Boseong’s youth. Beautiful, intelligent, the kind of girl who could have any man she set her sights on but she threw it all away to become a poor man’s wife. Her exact words.” The words flow like a slow drawl. Half-clung to a distracted half-smile, eyes trailing the edge of the table. Past memories knock on her door, and she lets them through. “Enter Romeo. My father, who comes from rags, a farmer that struggles to make ends meet. Father said he used to makes extra money by singing on street corners and busking around with his homegrown magic tricks, which he never shared the secrets to.”

Finally, she settles her gaze. Peers at the other through the overcast glow of the lights up above. Too yellow, too bright. She blinks through the spots in her vision.

“They’re not supposed to meet, you know? Should’ve never crossed paths to begin with, but in true Romeo and Juliet form: they do anyway. They promised to run away together - into the horizon, over the mountains and beyond. So it’s funny then, that I was born here, in the quiet, sheltered middle of nowhere.”

She hates it. Loathes anything that feels forced, and all of these interrogation sessions are the very epitome of it. But she must give them something. Give them the answers they want.

“They had me, and for a while everything was right.” A pause. “But one day, just like father’s magic coin tricks, mother vanished.” For a second her face holds the same look of hurt it held many years ago.

———

It is mid November and the sky was greying. She didn’t say much from behind the window as she watched droplets of rain hit the glass with a ‘tap’ and by now she knew better than to light all the dark rooms in the house. And she could feel it, the tide of the past July. It’s like this one morning she looked across the dinner table and everything that has ever been left unspoken was being said. No one ever had to tell her anything, she always managed to catch snippets of what was happening around her, observation had been but a hobby to her for as long as she could remember and the sight of her father crying was something unfamiliar to her, something she would notice right away. Serin could see it, the way her father spoke in dim lit words, the way her mother’s name escaped her father’s. How often do we wear smiles that hurt, smiles that tell us we have endured too long? Serin feels heavy and the worst thing is, she knows the weather of departure; the humid air, the rain pouring announcing that winter is near.

———

Her flashback montage is interrupted by the soft squeak of a chair, and really, she doesn’t know what else to say.

“Uhm. What more do you wish to know?” She muses out loud, keeping her voice barely audible. She can’t let just anyone hear her sad story after all. “Right, more abo—”she mutters, but leaves her sentence unfinished.

“I’m that one girl no one writes songs about.”

Serin’s like a messy book, filled with half read sentences, marked up paragraphs, folded corners and empty pages. Half a hopeless romantic and half a skeptic. She doesn’t let people in, only a few have trickled deep within the small gaps between the pages, and somehow the book opens and she gives them a chapter. She feels with a terrible intensity. Too many vowels in her mouth, too many crumpled pages in her pockets. Her mouth twisted into rivers, pouring into too many oceans at once. At times, she says quite a lot and nothing at all. She always takes too little and gives too much. Reaches for anything, finding joy in the most rare of places. Comes and goes, disappears like mist rising in the sky. Maybe she is a liminal space. An in-between. A gas station on a longer journey. blurry, dreamlike. A threshold. An exhilarating parenthesis. She is simply someone searching for - a phrase, a light, a fire. The signs along the way.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BOSEONG?

She’s born in Boseong. It’s obvious in the kind of gaze she enforces. Like dead foliage, a wet morning, the dewy rise of dawn circling the dark pits of her eyes. The idea of the town swells in its bitter taste through the bite of her growing molars; the pith of intelligence blossoming with the ravenous flavor.

“It’s the place I’ve lived all my life. My home.” It feels unnatural to call it that, but it is what it is.

HAVE YOU EVER LEFT OR THOUGHT ABOUT LEAVING BOSEONG?

“Leaving?,” she trails off, gaze drifting away from the other in faux contemplation.

“The thought has crossed my mind a couple of times.”

But, it is sorta intoxicating. Living here, being here, existing among all the rumors and secrets that define it into the town of a thriller setting and sad sound. It’s like she’s born glued to Boseong. Ripped out of the reasoning to leave. Boseong is a void shadow lingering in the background of the world as it parades forward.

WERE YOU CLOSE WITH HA EUNMI? WHAT WAS YOUR IMPRESSION OF HER?

“Shouldn’t you know the answer to this? Is it not scribbled down on the reports?” She certainly doesn’t like it when others ask questions they know the answer to. She doesn’t even bother to look at the other, painted fingernails drumming softly on the rim of the table.

“It is well known we were best friends.” Closing her eyes for a brief moment, she tries to pull a soul-stirring recollection off a dusty shelf stacked with her memories, reminiscing about the day she first met Eunmi, and how lonely she felt, and how much warmth Eunmi brought into her dreadfully cold and empty life.

“She was nice, everyone loved her. She had a way of making you feel—special. Being her friend meant you were liked as well.”

It was hard tho, being Eunmi’s friend wasn’t always easy. Maintaining friendships, having close acquaintances, it all requires a certain amount of effort and sacrifice, something that perhaps not everyone wishes to give away so effortlessly. People grow and outgrow you. People change and most often, people forget about you.

DO YOU HAVE A DARK SECRET THAT NO ONE KNOWS OF?

<   R E D A C T E D   >

[isrustandstardust]

1. What type of criminal would you be?

A very very sick serial killer like Ed Gein.

2. What are you listening to right now?

I lived with a Killer. I watch it every morning.

3. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be?

Vixen.

4. If your phone started ringing, who would you hope is calling?

Nobody, I hate talking on the phone.

5. Do you drink?

A little.

6. Do you smoke?

Way too much.

7. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Eyes, attitude.

8. Do you get attached easily?

Definitely no.

9. Do you like your eye color?

It’s pretty common but I like it.

10. Have any stupid human tricks?

11. Humor me. What physical ideal do you imagine in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?

I don’t have an ideal. I like blue eyes, but it’s not a must have. I don’t dwell a lot on physical features.

12. What type of personality traits do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?

Honesty, kindness, intelligence and a little bit of perversion.

13. Any other essential quirks/interests/other you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?

I need someone with similar interests.

14. Any romantic gestures you really like?

I’m not into romantic gestures at all.

15. Any sexual fantasies? Are you daring enough to share one?

I have lots, but I keep them private.

16. Have you ever been in love?

Once.

17. Do you have a crush/romantic interest in anyone?

I’m in love with my husband.

18. What’s your sexual orientation (if you feel comfortable answering)?

Bi.

19. What’s your favorite color and why?

I’d say black but technically it’s not a color. So I’ll say orange and teal.

20. What was your most embarrassing moment?

I really can’t remember one.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else?

It happens.

22. What were you like when you were a kid?

Awkward xD

23. What would your dream house be like?

Full of light, with a big garden.

24. What last made you laugh?

My husband being silly.

25. Do you have a place you like to go to collect your thoughts?

I stay at home when I need to.

26. What is your favorite/least favorite food?

I like red meat and I do not eat bread or pasta.

27. What turns you on?

Intelligence and perversion.

28. What turns you off?

Stupidity.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Once.

30. Would you go bungee jumping/sky diving if given the chance?

Yup.

31. Do you have any siblings?

A younger brother.

32. Do you like to dance?

A lot.

33. What is your definition of cheating?

Doing something you cannot talk about with your partner.

34. Have you ever stolen anything?

Yes.

35. Do you regret anything?

I could have done a few thing better.

36. Do you have any phobias?

Arachnophobia, thalassophobia, atelophobia.

37. Ever broken any bones?

No, never.

38. Ever come close to death?

Twice.

39. What is your religion/spirituality, if any?

It’s a really complex matter.

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?

Yes, with no use.

41. Are looks important in a relationship?

No.

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad?

I’m not like my parents.

43. What is your favorite season?

Autumn.

44. Do you have any tattoos?

I have 15.

45. Do you have any piercings?

Not atm, but I’d love to get pierced again in the future.

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

5 boyfriends, 1 girlfriend.

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Like, always xD.

48. What is your favorite thing to do?

Drawing.

49. If you could only visit one place outside of your hometown, where would it be?

Iceland.

50. Do you get jealous easily?

No, not at all. But I get jealous with a reason.

51. What is your favorite type of food?

Low calories food.

52. Do you ever want to get married?

I am married.

53. Who was your first kiss with?

My best friend at the time.

54. How many people have you kissed?

I don’t know tbh.

55. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Being with someone I like.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert, almost asocial.

57. Do you believe in life on other planets, ghosts, or mythical creatures?

I believe in life in the universe.

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

The kind of music talent my husband has.

59. What is your saddest memory?

All the memories related to my mother.

60. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes.

61. Do you believe in soul mates?

Yes.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair?

A lot. Pink, blue, red, purple, blonde, gray, orange.

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?

You have no idea XD

64. Would you go against your moral code for money?

It depends on how much money.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you?

I have several personality disorders [family and friends do not know], I can write backwards like DaVinci, I’m into pretty weird stuff.

66. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression?

Yes.

67. Have you ever contemplated suicide?

Yes.

68. How long was your longest relationship?

4 years and counting.

69. Is the glass half empty or half full?

I don’t know, is it alcoholic?

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Leeet’s not go there...

71. Who is your most loyal friend?

My best friend Francesca.

72. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

He’s a good man.

73. What is your favorite thing about your body and your personality?

I like my hands and lips. And I like my wit and sarcasm.

74. Are you a bad person?

Maybe.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter?

Both.

76. What did you do on your last birthday?

Had dinner with husband and friends.

77. What is your favorite quote and why?

So it goes. It helps me let things go.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do?

I’d be crushed I guess.

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

Human evolution?

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

I’d love to be by the lake one last time.

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

Where do I start? I dream about apocalyptic end of the world pretty much every night.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Being single or in a relationship does not define my happiness.

83. Who were you in a past life?

A witch.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory?

Me and my dad watching western movies.

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yes.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend?

No, it I had an imaginary guardian angel when I was young.

87. What is the story behind one of your scars?

My scars are from self harming.

88. What is your ideal career?

The one I have.

89. Do you want kids?

Maybe, in the future.

90. Do you live with your parents?

No, I’m not 8.

91. Do you have any pets?

Not atm. I want a Rottweiler and a Sphynx tho.

92. How do you feel about PDA?

I’m ok with that, I’m very affectionate.

93. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

People.

94. Where would you like to live?

Iceland.

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?

I’d love to visit Japan, Russia and Iceland.

96. Describe yourself in one word.

Smart.

97. Describe yourself in one sentence.

‘You seek traumas as the night seeks dreams’.

98. Where do you see yourself in five years?

I honestly have no idea, I guess still here, with a better house and still doing my things :)

99. What is your greatest accomplishment?

Overcoming my mental illnesses enough to function as a normal human being.

100. What is the meaning of life?

42.

[impcratore]

alrighty! so it’s that time of the day where i start analyzing characters for no fucking reason ( i do have one, as yusuke is my baby ). 

DISCLAIMER: this comes from a personal and professional point of view. your headcanons on yusuke are as valid as mine but please take into consideration that this analysis will also show how my portrayal on yusuke is going to be. also please note that this is going to be a long post.

yusuke has been confined almost all of his life. he was a victim of abuse and plagiarism since a very young age, not to mention that he was also lied to regarding his mother’s death. all of these factors can impact HEAVILY on a person’s mind, especially when the trauma was developed during CHILDHOOD, many consequences will happen in adolescence and adulthood. in this analysis i will be explaining the presence of ASPERGER’S SYNDROME on yusuke’s character. 

let’s start with asperger’s syndrome. what is it? usually a syndrome that has been OVERLY and MISTAKENLY diagnosed. as well it has been combined with the autistic spectrum though there have been many controversies as many professionals ( including myself ) believe that this should be a separate syndrome due the differences in both conditions. 

now, first of all let’s start clearing stereotypes. asperger is a condition that can easily pass unnoticed in a person’s daily life. of course, patients with this condition do STRUGGLE with a lot of situation, but contrary to the popular belief, they can easily merged in society. Therefore, having asperger does represent a different way of thinking but that doesn’t mean that it can be stated as “defective”. in fact, people with asperger are considered extremely intelligent and the different perspective that this cognition causes on them has helped them in their professional lives. though, it’s my responsibility to explain that asperger syndrome mostly affects social interactions on the patient, as they have pervasive and absorbing interests in special topics. and here is where yusuke enters. 

we can notice his passionate ( and kinda unhealthy ) obsession with art. art is mostly what yusuke knew from the very first moment he learnt to speak. his life always surrounded around art so it’s easy to say that it is all he knows. being confined in that old shed with shitty madarame who only ( secretly ) cared for money and not for art was something that yusuke grew up admiring. madarame was his paternal figure, was his ROLEMODEL and because of this he denied every red flag that appeared on madarame’s behavior. though, don’t get me wrong, asperger syndrome is genetic but the environment surrounding the patient can also affect to the circumstances and symptoms. 

some characteristics of asperger are the increased ability to focus on details, capacity to persevere in specific interests without caring about other people’s opinions. the ability to be independent and work independently, recognition of details and patters that might be missed by other people, intensity regarding specific subjects or people and of course, an original way of thinking. if you notice, all these traits are visible on yusuke’s character which solidifies the headcanon. 

now, if we talk about symptoms that might affect his daily live we have the lack of interest in socializing. it’s something that yusuke had stated many times ( especially in the mementos skits ) that nobody really approaches him, but he says it normally not in a sad tone, not disappointed. he just doesn’t care, as his train of thought go directly to “this person doesn’t want anything to do with me, and that’s okay because i don’t really care”. 

gazing too intently is another symptom/behavior we notice a lot on yusuke. he stares at people, i mean like hell his hobby is people-watching on shibuya and this of course, might be considered WEIRD in a social context, but yusuke doesn’t really understand that this might make the other person feel uncomfortable, which goes to another behavior that is the inability to infer the thoughts or feelings of others. most of the times he is impulsive and would INVADE your personal space as he only takes into consideration his own interests without realizing that could be uncomfortable for others. his facial expressions are also important on this discussion as people with asperger tend to use exaggerated facial expressions or even having a lack of changing the expressions, something that happens with yusuke during his meltdowns over art or well, he is usually deadpan there is no in between. 

we also have the perception, yusuke is a perceptive person and like i mentioned before, people with asperger are able to notice some details some of us can’t, but as this syndrome affects directly your social skills it’s difficult to him to understand the use of some gestures or lingo, being unable to understand some conversations, not to mention that being confined also prevented him from learning things and words that someone his age should. then, the social skills get heavily affected when it comes about interpersonal boundaries, yusuke doesn’t respect these because he is not aware they exist. he just doesn’t get it and he thinks it’s normal to be over someone, so he needs to be told DIRECTLY for him to understand and even after that, it will take him a while to do it.

now, this is one of my favorites because it was a newfound canon fact of yusuke that i gathered from the mementos skills. he mentions how he has a tv at his dorm, and that he doesn’t mind commercials but they hurt his eyes after a while. you might find this weird, like why would it hurt his eyes? people with asperger tend to be unusually sensitive to noises, touches, tastes, odors or visual stimuli. and this explains why it hurts his eyes.

the motor patterns also get affected, and on yusuke we can see that he usually frames everything or simply puts his hand over his chin. something normal but that it is affected by the same syndrome. the interests also become repetitive and intense, causing an obsession over certain topics. in yusuke’s case it’s not necessary to say that it’s art. he is obsessed with it, it’s everything he knows, art is basically his life and he does not care if it’s of someone’s interest or not. he is going to ALWAYS ramble about art and is going to relate EVERYTHING to art as long as he can and it’s hard to redirect his attention unless you talk to him about something that is equally interested to him.

i mentioned before that asperger is not the same as autistic behavior. this is mostly coming in the language part of both conditions. usually people under the spectrum have difficulties when it comes about language and vocabulary. asperger usually get a normal development with some things that differ:

focus on a defined area of interest, switching topics for no reason to make sure their interests are being discussed.

change in the tone of voice, like speaking too loudly or dramatically.

language could be interpreted LITERALLY and this leads to difficulties with the understanding of irony and sarcasm.

this is common on yusuke, as most of the time he doesn’t understand jokes and he always tries to drive the conversation towards his own interests. his voice might change to a dramatic tone sometimes and legit, everything is interpreted literally by him. despite of this we can see that yusuke is sometimes sassy and sarcastic ( as a canon fact in severe conversations ) but this is a behavior that is usually enabled by a second party. however, despite of this he is able to merge in a group of friends, he doesn’t really care about what others have to say unless they remark that he is eccentric ( which most of the times makes him mad ).

in summary, atlus actually made a great job introducing these characteristics to yusuke ( even though i don’t believe it was intentional ). however, this is something that i want you to take into consideration when we write: 

YUSUKE IS NOT DIAGNOSED YET.

he is not aware of this, and i would really appreciate it if your muse actually encourages him to check it. considering his situation with madarame i doubt he ever cared about yusuke’s conditions. however, canonly we can see the interest yusuke gets on maruki takuto and that it’s an open door for me to write him in a situation that allows him to learn about himself. 

[dhill202-blog]

10 Tips for a Better Travel Experience

Hitting the street once will change your life forever. Fact. You will become more flexible and thinking on your feet will become second nature. Confidence and self belief will blossom as you overcome the trials and tribulations engendered by life on the street, and you'll evolve. Interaction with other people, from all walks of life, will become a daily event. The people you meet and the situations you encounter, both good and bad, will gradually start to define you. Some days may be magic, others could be tough - but every day will leave its mark, and the cumulative impact is life altering.

Whether you travel for a month, a year, or ten years, you'll have an experience unlike any other. But pause for a moment and ask yourself: - is it better?

Here are ten ways to improve your travel experience.

Go Slow - You have quit your job or got time off work, flown half way round the world, and are now desperately excited to see firsthand all you have read and dreamed of. However, by racing though too many nations in a given time you may lose out on much more. Not only will you learn less about the places you've longed to see, but you'll tire quickly and become travel weary. A couple of nights in each place also spells out buses, boats or trains at least ever other day, and packing/unpacking will become a daily event. Tiring? I should coco.

With more time spent in fewer areas you will start to live in your new environment. The extra time in every place may encourage you to explore under your own steam instead of being shackled to a guidebook and its top ten tick off list. Worries about wasting time won't be a problem, leaving you free to go drifting and raising the chances uncovering a lesser known delight.

Have Faith - Be a bit more trusting. Everyone isn't out to steal your money, or cheat you. Traveling with this unhealthy mindset will cause someone to become detached, cynical, bitter, and a very bad ambassador for their country. Do not be dismissive or rude when approached - after all, it is wonderful to be nice.

Ok, sometimes an unsavory cookie can cross your path, but this can be taken care of upon consciousness; but, overall, those who approach you may fall into other categories: people like you and I wanting to earn a living (and assisting you with a service in the procedure ), and the ones which are either interested or favorable (or usually both!) Thus, let the guard down a bit and listen to people out. Judge situations on their unique merits and occasionally be a Yes Man, you can't know where it might lead.

Get Involved - Keep a look out for opportunities where you can make a difference. We learn so much from people we meet and places we see, but all too often its one way traffic. Get prepared to help others and attempt whenever possible to give back something. Perform to your skills and expertise, you might have something valuable to offer. 

Learn the Lingo - Even just the basics will lay the foundation for a better experience. 'Pleases' and'thank you's go a very long way, and, even if they're not delivered properly or understood, they show that you're willing to make the hard work and communicate a respect toward the people you meet. If nothing else it will raise a smile or two, and that is always a bonus. Furthermore, in the event you still need encouragement to acquire a phrase book, some of the local lingo can get you a better price for transportation, accommodation, and the little knick-knacks you can't pass up.

We attempt to taste all the regional delicacies, so why not sample all of the regional modes of transport, also? Ok, the railroad system might be the preferable method of travel for any particular state, but find out for yourself . Moreover, even if the bus station is in walking distance from the accommodation, throw financial caution to the end at least one time by splashing out 50 cents for For the ones which are still worried about value for money, I say sit at the front bucket of a Vietnamese Cyclo and get taken across a busy Saigon intersection - for the purchase price of one beer you'll have a vision etched in your mind for all eternity. Then, for the hardcore thrill seekers amongst you, invite your Cyclo Jockey to sit at the chair of death as you peddle him across the intersection...

Adopt the Weird and Wonderful - Do not miss a chance to try something a little out of the ordinary, be it fresh food, local traditions, children's games, or anything else of barbarous tobacco from Javanese street sellers. Get in the swing of it and make somebody's day.

Stay Alert - Little can ruin a trip and taint your view of a nation and its populous more than being careless with your possessions and learning the hard way. Opportunist theft is a simple fact of life, but you can reduce the danger by staying aware of your surroundings and possessions rather than playing to the minority's control.

Be a 1 Bag Wonder - Travel light, travel joyful. Decrease your possessions and life will become so much easier. Firstly, it makes the mechanics of getting from A to B simpler and less stressful. Easier because it is less fat to be humping around involving transportation and accommodation and less size and weight to be swinging around inside the limits of a densely populated bus. It becomes less stressful since the smaller your bag is, the less probable it is you will be separated from it during journeys- and, judging everyone by my pitifully. Additionally, it is more likely you'll be allowed on an already packed bus out for those who have less luggage. This doesn't ring true in Guatemala however, because you can always fit one more person on the bus, however full it is.

Walk the Path Less Trodden - Now that you've got extra time on your hands in each destination, why not explore a bit? Getting off the beaten path doesn't have to mean single handedly paddling a handmade dugout canoe 500 miles through the Amazonian Basin, it might be something as straightforward as forsaking the guidebook recommends for the day and rather scrounging a map or fliers and opting for an aimless wander in a new town. Some of my greatest discoveries have resulted from doing just this.

Terrific sources of info include Tourist Information Offices (though, where available, they vary tremendously in quality), What's On guides, local papers, handouts, fliers, and, of course, fellow travelers, to mention but a few. Spending less time at the well known and'popular' hangouts will also do your budget a huge favor, too.

Keep a Journal - Writing reams of pulp is not for everybody, but it does not have to be like that. A journal can mean many different things to different individuals. It could be a complete scale daily diary or only a kid's notebook from the marketplace where you place labels from local beer bottles (maybe with drunken scribbling below) - the option is yours. For the geeks among us (me included) there is the choice to travel site, and for the idle geeks among us (again, me included) it is even easier to cut and paste excerpts from emails home to family and friends and keep those as your diary.

Whatever form your personal creation may take, the final result is identical. 

Freelance travel writer and fanatical backpacker Nathan Richards desires nothing more than to inspire and encourage other people to satisfy their wanderlust.

Eclectic and Exquisite Gay Travel Experience

Your work has been preventing you from seeing new terrific things out of your comfort zone. You've been working so hard that you tend to forget there are more to life than your job. Why don't you take some of your time to pull yourself from a thousand paper functions and maintain an adventure you'd treasure in a life? Why not put aside little by little some money for a holiday that will teach you exactly what your job can never endow you with? Why not book yourself for a gay vacation and encounter what's meant by life?

Gay travels have been the cure for tired and weary spirits that wander from the corners of shallow fantasies. These journeys with your fellow beings will certainly open an opportunity for you to look into yourself and find greater things concerning you. Through these exquisite homosexual holidays, you'll be privileged to belong to a community of loving and accepting individuals composed of men, women, lesbians and gay. Not just you'll be communing with nature, you will basically be joining with yourself that you've missed during your hours and hours of tedious work.

Dwelling on some diverse gay travels will bring you into a world of discovery. Some packages will provide you with the opportunity to be showing the presents inside you and using these presents for the benefit of the planet as a whole. What use it is to be true to yourself and the world is instructing you in every manner of not to be ashamed of who you are.

Other offers for homosexual travels include an enlightening about your erotic potentials. Through some enticing team activities, you'll have the ability to spot your sensual facets and nurture them for sexy travel experience. This sort of involvement work your way to your ultimate sexual liberty and unblock sexual inhibitions and doubts. By means of breath, body and hand motion and the soothing magic of audio you will eventually get a real feel of sexual satisfaction. These gay travel experiences on sexual accomplishment and realization are lively and enjoyable to your erotic improvement.

Take more than an isolated island off a exceptional shore or indulge in sensual play activities as you travel your way to revival and rejuvenation of the self. Gay travel experiences are specially made for couples abound who'd want to spend romantic evenings in their communion with love, peace, serenity and dedication. Gay vacations help you explore the hidden and breathtaking views of nature as well as yourself.

At each end of fulfilling gay vacations is a brand new you.... virtually more intelligent emotionally and mentally. The revival of your missing self drained through hard work is invaluable benefit from a journey with your loved one. A week-long time out in the complications of life is a unique opportunity for you to renew your vow for the betterment of yourself and for s more powerful relationship with your spouse. So what are you waiting for? Get booked and travel your way to transformation!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #256

song lyrics here.

Would you date someone who still lived with their parents? Well considering I still live with my mother, I'd be quite the hypocrite if otherwise. Are you a generous person? I personally think so. Do you have a close relationship with your family? With my mom, extremely. Do you think there is life on other planets? Well, define "life," I suppose. Bacteria, stuff like that that science defines as life, yes. Complex life, I don't know. Would you enjoy a night of playing video games? Fuck yeah. Are you sexually attracted to any inanimate objects? ???? No. Would you watch a porno with your partner? UH NO I'm personally not at all interested in porn, and I feel it'd be awkward anyway? Have you ever stolen from your work? No. How much does intelligence turn you on? I guess like your average person that finds intelligence attractive. Do you ask someone out or wait for them to ask you? History shows it varies. Do you own any sex toys? No. Do you talk about your sex life with either of your parents? Well I don't have one now, but historically, I very timidly have with my mom about something. Generally though, I don't. I keep that very private. Do you search someone on the Internet before a first date? No. How often do you use Facebook at work? I'm unemployed. Do you enjoy television or movies better? That's hard, but maybe movies. I don't really watch either, but movies, when they have a good plot, are usually more enjoyable. Would you consider donating your body to science after you die? Sure thing. I personally want to donate my organs and have the rest cremated, though. Are you a romantic person? Yeah. Would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends? It would seriously depend on the depth of their relationship, where they're hanging out, how long... that kind of stuff. I am very serious about letting your partner have friends, including w/ the gender they're interested in, so I try to be open-minded here. Are you careful with your money? It's hard to even say with how seldom I have any. Do you like to be friends with someone before dating them? Absolutely. Do you like soccer? No. Is it more fun to go out just with your date or on a group date? Depends. I'd say I USUALLY prefer uhhh... single dates? How often do you go dancing/clubbing? Never. Is marriage a necessity for two people who love each other? Uh, no. Do you meditate? No. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. Is there anything you think science will never be able to explain? The soul. Do you cook fancy meals for dates? I don't cook. You don't want me to. Is intoxication ever an acceptable excuse for acting stupid? Fuck no. Do you believe in an afterlife? Probably. Do you litter? NO. Would you have sex with someone hot who you hated? nO????????????? Do you have a career plan? Kinda, but who knows when the fuck that's coming true. Do you mostly cook your own meals? Well, I mostly microwave stuff. I never use the stove or oven. Could you live with someone who was really messy? To a certain degree, no. Do you believe in fate or destiny? No. Have you ever had sex with someone you worked with? No. Would you date someone just for the sex? Nope. Have you ever had a one night stand? No. Have you ever lied about the number of sexual partners you’ve had? No. Are sex and intimacy the same thing? "Sex is just one example of intimacy. There’s other ways to be intimate, including ones that don’t involve being sexual at all." <<<< Exactly this. Have you ever played strip poker? No. How often do you get angry? "I’m someone who gets irritated, moody, upset, and frustrated often, but not angry." <<<< Also this. Do you consider yourself an emotional person? VERY MUCH SO. Is work important to you? Considering how harshly I shit on myself for not having a job, most certainly. Have you had cosmetic surgery? No. On a first date do you pay or do they? In every experience but with Sara, they did. I only paid on Sara's and my first date out of trickery lmao. Do you only date people who have jobs or are full-time students? No. Could you date someone who does drugs? Nope. Medical marijuana is fine, though. Have you ever been to a sex shop? No. Have you ever had a threesome? Nah. Do you enjoy discussing politics? Noooo. Would you do a striptease for your partner? WHOA I would feel WAY too awkward gd. Would you date someone who doesn’t have a car? Yeah. Is it wrong to watch porn if you’re in a relationship? That depends on the people in it. Some mind, some don't. Idk how I'd feel it if was my partner. Do you think men should pay for everything on dates? Hi, it's 2020. Women don't need to be "taken care of." Would you tie up a partner if they asked you to do so? Yeah. Have you ever had sex in a public place? No. Would you date someone twice your age? No. Should a child caught masturbating be punished? It'd be weird at a certain age, but no. It's normal to explore sexuality and what you like, and perhaps even more importantly, it's way better for you to let your sexual urges out privately versus... you know. Being forceful on others. Do you tell your friends you love them? Of course!! Maybe it's just how I was brought up, but I've always gotten kinda confused when (particularly good) friends don't. Love is platonic just as much as it is romantic, and you should let people know! Do you like playing tic-tac-toe? I mean, I guess? What about hangman? It's more fun than the former. Did you play hopscotch when you were younger? Yeah. Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? I remember at least one. Do you have a yahoo account? It exists, but I haven't touched it in an eternity. I don't even remember the password. Are you a violent person? Definitely not. Do your siblings dye their hair? Not really. They occasionally get highlights, though. Do you still have any of your exes’ stuff? Besides gifted stuff, no. I think. Who can you best relate to in the last book you read? That I finished, Clay. Because he's dumb and hungry. Are you indecisive? Unbelievably. Do you collect anything? What? Meerkat and Silent Hill stuff. What are you listening to? An Emzotic video. I'm like,,, hooked on her stuff. I've been on a MASSIVE animals video binge lately, and she's a FUCKING MOOD. What was the last compliment someone gave you? Idr. What are your pets’ names? Roman and Venus. Gah, I need more bbz. What did your first best friend look like? Last I've seen a picture of her, she was a somewhat bigger person with long, curly brown hair, and she's always been very tan. Did you have a role model growing up? Steve Irwin. If you could learn how to play one instrument, what would it be? Guitar. Is your best friend dating anyone? Do you like them? No. Do you want to move? Very badly, and we probably are soon. Do you have a big family? My extended family is giant. Do you want more or less siblings? I'm happy with what I have. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Great contentment in all I do. Surrounded by love, changing the world in even tiny ways, etc. What is the trait you most deplore (dislike) in yourself? I realized it semi-recently and honestly don't want to share it. Only my old therapist knows, I think. Besides that one, the fact I'm very impulsive with words when I'm upset, probably. What is your greatest extravagance? I'm really creative and passionate. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Probably the glorification of virginity. I would know. It was a MASSIVE DEAL for most of my teenage years. On what occasion do you lie? When it's a thing where I feel it's just better to not be honest. Now I honor honesty a lot, so I avoid it as much as possible, but no, I don't believe it's always the best policy. What do you most dislike about your appearance? My weight. Which living person do you most despise? I don't know about one specific person. The traumatized part of me says Jason's friend that encouraged him to break up with me, but I know I rightfully shouldn't even dislike him, save for the fact he was pretty arrogant. What or who is the greatest love of your life? I don't know. When and where were you the happiest? Well, it depends. If you mean in a specific moment of most intense happiness, lots of times with Jason. An extended period of happiness, early into recovery when I lived with Colleen. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Recovering from the breakup. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A house cat. Seems like a pretty good life. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? At least from my experiences, harsh rejection when you try your best to please that person. What do you value most in your friends? As far as a sweeping characteristic they all share, the will to listen and just be there for me in times I really need companionship. Who are your favorite writers? I don't really have favorites. Who is your hero of fiction? Hm, I dunno. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Uhhhh I also don't really know. I'm not enough of a history buff for this. Who are your heroes in real life? I answer this enough. What are your favorite names? Alessandra and Severin. Do you like watching reruns? No. What do you think is worth waiting for? Deep relationships. Should parenting classes be mandatory for new parents? No. What is the number one thing people are always asking you for help with? English/writing. What movie did you love the original but hated the sequel to? I remember the Ghost Rider sequel was nothing compared to the original. It was okay, but. Are you more talk and less action or vice versa? More talk. Have you ever given someone a handmade present? Yeah, especially as a kid. What type of person angers you the most? Probably those who can't put their pride aside for anything. What do you think should be a wonder of the world that currently isn’t? I don't even know what they all are to get a proper grasp on the question. What comforts you on bad days? My mom and Sara, sleep, YouTube, sometimes regrettably food, etc. Do you treat yourself and your body with respect? Not very well. Something you eat that other people would find gross. *shrugs* Nothing that's too weird. Have you ever broken the law and didn’t get caught, if so how? Yeah, and obviously by not screaming it to the world, but also because none are massive. Something you fear might change you. The aftermath of heartbreak. It still affects me today and makes me see less hope in love. What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you? Volatility. Have you ever resented someone, if so what for? "Stealing" Jason, and the other person for accusing me something of so fucking selfish and vile I don't even like saying it, especially when she was my damn therapist that I loved and trusted. How old do you think is too old to have a baby? "Old enough that getting pregnant would cause significant harm to you or the baby." <<<< How have you changed over the last five years? I've definitely become wiser and more open-minded. Have you ever painted a house? Nope. Have you ever had a surprise party (that was an actual surprise)? No. What makes you feel miserable? Eating badly (particularly too much sugar makes me feel shitty), doing nothing/extended boredom. What’s the best costume you’ve ever worn? Don't have a clue. What’s been the hardest loss you’ve had to take? Jason. A loss without actual death is, wow, awful. I mean death is too, but holy shit it hurts when that person chooses to leave you. Do you like sunny days or rainy days more? Depends on the temperature and my mood. Who is your favorite movie director and what’s your favorite movie from them? Tim Burton, of course. Alice In Wonderland. What is the furthest you’ve ever got a paper airplane to fly? Not very far. Nothing impressive. Do you like the person you are becoming? It depends on the context. Honestly, by this point, not really. What’s the highest you’ve ever jumped into the water from? Not high at all. What inspires your ideas? More than anything, music. Just a single lyric, sometimes one word, spawns a sometimes very complex concept. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself? No. Have you ever bolstered your resume to get a job you really wanted? No. I have a really, really hard time lying for a job. Have you ever had an internship, if not what would be your dream intern job? No. Do you prefer chicken, beef, or seafood? Chicken. Have you ever had a health scare? Yes. What do or did you hate the most about dating or the dating process? Opening up again. What do you frown upon when it comes to raising kids? Spanking. Have you ever been professionally photographed? Yeah. Do you influence people more than they influence you? I very much doubt that. If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, what would you ask? If he regrets me. Do you buy anything organic, if so, what is it? I don't think so? What was the name of the first album you ever bought and who was it by? I believe it was You're Awful, I Love You by Ludo. Do you have any prejudices you’ve admitted to yourself? No. Who is the very first friend you ever remember making and how old were you? Brianna; I was two. What makes you lose sleep? Stress. Anxiety. PTSD. Do you floss or use a toothpick when food gets stuck in your teeth? I floss. Have you ever made out in a bathroom? Pretty sure that's a negative. Ever physically fought with member of the opposite sex? YIKES no. Well, besides playfighting. Ever walked in on your friends having sex? No. Ever kissed a friend’s crush? No. Has anyone ever called cops on you? No. Do you swallow gum when you’re finished? Noooo that's so uncomf. Ever tackled someone to the ground? Not in a way that was a harsh fall. More like a crumbling to the floor. Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? Hm. Maybe in the school library, but I doubt that, really. I don't think I ever actually fell asleep. Did the last person you kiss have piercings? No. Did your parents spoil you as a child? No. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning? No. Ever thrown up in public? Yes. Has anyone laid on your bed besides you? Yes. What bothers you more, when people lie or when people complain? Depends on the severity. I think lying is more hurtful, though. How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? Three. Who took your profile picture on Facebook? Me. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? More towards the left. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Would you ever date anyone your parents disapproved of? Yeah. I'd consider their reasonings, of course, but it's my decision.