#but only one stays on when i go to sleep
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Always found it a bit strange that in a No Mercy Run, Clover reduces Asgore -- the strongest monster in the Underground -- along with the flowerbed, the throne, and wall behind him into ash, and utterly decimates Axis with one Justice blast, meanwhile Zenith Martlet can take dozens of those and still keep standing... at least until I remember how reluctant Clover is to fight Martlet. They let her escape twice before the final fight and give her the opportunity to monologue as well as inject herself with DT when it would've been better to just shoot first. Hell, they even have to pry into her memories just to muster up a reason to hate her (and don't seem to come up with anything). No matter how much they grew to hate monsterkind on their journey, Clover seems to genuinely like/respect the hell out of her. They don't want her to die. But she also stands in the way of their goal, so they have to kill her. Even if their heart's not in it.
#undertale yellow#i love their dynamic so much in the game. how martlet will always try to look out for clover in every run except when they#prove to be too much of a threat. how clover is willing to stay with her in every version of a neutral run even when it's an#aborted no mercy run.#i feel like out of every person clover killed in the underground martlet was the only one they actually regretted. enough that it would#make them reset.#i don't like how some people are willing to disregard the no mercy run entirely because it's ''not canon.'' you're still playing#as clover. it's just them (and the other characters) explored from another angle.#there's a lot of interesting things that can be gleaned from this run!#(sorry if this is incoherent. i am half asleep as i type this. gonna go sleep now snzzzz)
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Projecting my anxiety onto Riku and pretending that he always has to be the last one to fall asleep. Sora always tells Riku that he’s going to be the last one to fall asleep this time so Riku doesn’t have to worry, but he passes out in like 5 minutes every time.
#kingdom hearts#soriku#and every night Sora is like#no for real I’m really going to stay up this time#and Riku just says sure and cuddles him closer because he knows that’s not happening#when I was little not only did I have to be the last one to fall asleep but I also had to be the first one to wake up#because I didn’t feel comfortable sleeping around others#but for Riku I’m going to say his anxiety is related to Sora’s long ass nap and watching him sleep is not only something he feels like he#needs to do but it’s also something that brings him comfort
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my niece is staying with us for the whole weekend for the first time. until now it's always been one night only, not two.
it's the second night now and I have already decided this is not happening again anytime soon. I'm so fucking exhausted. it'd be less exhausting if it was my nephew, I think - he's older and also doesn't need as much help (even when he was her age).
I love my niece but she just asks so many questions. like when we're watching a show or a movie, even if it's one she has seen before (even multiple times), she doesn't understand what's going on and constantly asks me to explain everything. I don't mind it, really, but it does take a lot of energy. plus tonight it took over two hours for her to fall asleep because she was scared by the noises of the house and the nearby road. I get it, but damn I'm so fucking tired, I just want to sleep 😭
#my nephew will get to stay for two nights soon so that it's fair and everything#but then I think we'll go back to one night only for a while#I just can't sleep when someone else is here. and I do not handle being tired well. or rather being even more tired than usual#so yeah no this is too much#I'm so glad I don't have children. I literally would not survive#we played board games with her today. her idea. she chose the gsme#but it was so fucking difficult.....#I think most kids would have understood this game at like. 10 maybe. probably before that really#she's 12 and a half and just did not get it at all#she's got difficulties learning and she's finally getting (more) help for that in school now but I'm really.. a bit shocked that it took#this long for her parents to accept that#she's a great kid but it's been obvious since she started school that she needs more help#so anyway yeah it's 3am and I think she finally fell asleep after I put Charmed on for her#I've got a massive headache and I'm so fucking tired I feel like I'm losing my mind lol#couldn't sleep last night & I hope it's better tonight. but having someone else here is stressful.#ugh I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I want to be the fun aunt (I'm their only aunt.. aunt-like person... whatever) but I know I get more#and more impatient when they're here. I hate that. but I can't change it. I've tried! for 10 years! but it didn't work#don't get me wrong - I'm never mean or angry with them. I just get somewhat annoyed and I know it's noticeable and I hate that#they don't seem to mind. they love visiting us. but I don't like it because I hated the way adults treated me when I was a kid so I want to#be better#:(#anyway I have to sleep now or tomorrow will be hell :)#personal
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Thinking myself in circles about my ‘New’ Sleep Token Theory, so I might as well make a king as HECK post about it right?? It’s been a while since I’ve made one of these but I really feel like I cracked it this time lmao:
Sleep, Vessel and Vessel behind the mask (who if mentioned again, I will lovingly refer to as [REDACTED]) are one in the same (yes yes obviously Vessel and [REDACTED] are the same already). I have many reasons for thinking this, but I don’t know what y’all will call too much speculation so I’ll keep it to myself.
There is no Lore. There are themes placed on things that Vessel has decided to express through music. (He’s working through some shit). As he has said, ‘all I’ve ever given is a peek into my mind’ (paraphrasing rn cause I’ll start crying if I don’t). There is no real ‘story’, it’s just what Vessel has decided to make music about, themed in religions and religious metaphors.
Which comes to my number one reason for saying the first bit: if Vessel is expressing himself through music, how is it tokens for sleep? Sleep is Vessel. They are ‘tokens’ for Vessel. These are tokens of things Vessel has needed to work through, make music about, to feel things about in a ‘safe’ way. It sounds much more like a token to Vessel then to Sleep.
#somethings something. [REDACTED] and Vessel combined make Sleep. Something Something….. Vessel is a shell of [REDACTED] for protection.#something something: I said I wouldn’t go here in case y’all get made at me cause I’m unsure about what people would get made at me for#thinking about haha but I did in the tags#hopefully these just… stay tags#very much so#sleep token#for blacklist#PLEASE MAIN TAG…. PLEASE IGNORE ME#the urge to only tag my sleepy mutuals so I don’t have to put up with main tag for my theory cause I fear they’ll#crucify me for it for some reason I don’t understand#no reblogs. only likes and comments please#for now. if a beloved mutual wants to reblog this maybe I’ll turn it on#edit: also Jaws hits so much harder when you take the lines ‘I’m not the savior you longed for only the one you don’t’ to mean he’s singing#about himself.. and goodnight
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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Hgggg
Had one of those sundays where i felt just like
A little bit like shit all day
So i didn't really get any of my comic work done and it just kinda became a Lost Day
So now as consequence my brain won't let me go to bed because i did not Satisfy the Requirements as Set Beforehand
But i would like to actually set myself up for a successful week of going to bed on timebl because i haven't the last two weeks and i can Feel it slowly destroying me spiritually, mentally, and physically
But sometimes there js Naught you can do in the face of Wanton Mental Illness
#monster noises#i know i know my meteric for a successful day should not be tied to Productivity#but in my Defense that isn't Exactly what's happened here#i mean#yeah#i'm dissapointed that i didn't get the ball rolling until like 8pm and thus only had an hour to Work#but going to bed issue#is more about me setting the Plan and Expectation that I would do Comic Work today#but i didn't Fulfill that Expectation and therefore the Balance is Off and the Days Not Done#because we haven't Fulfilled the Criteria#i would have this same probelm if I had set aside today as a Relax Day but spent the whole day Stressing Out or Doing Chores/Work#without doing the classic half-day reset#where sometimes i'm In Control enough to realize when the day has gotten away from me and Pivot the Expectations to Just Chilling#then at the end of the day i Have met my Expectations and can just Siddle into bed no issues#but today i was not that Strong Willed#and kept Insisting that i Would get to my comic writing#Just After This Last Thing#but there was always One More Thing#and i felt like i was trapped under a sheet of plexiglass and couldn't fully wake up all day#so there was no pivot#i just stayed Stubborn until i had my dinner - then wrote maybe one page#and put it down for the evening#and that was not enough to satisfy the internal control team#and now i must sit here and Yearn instead of going to Sleep#it is Silly and i wish for it Not to be Happening
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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i see ollie nap and it makes me wanna nap too but the thing is….. i’m already always tired so i can’t just nap anytime i want in short bursts like he does
#my dad said that it’s harder to watch a puppy than a baby#i don’t think that’s right but it does make me tired#then again i stay up late so he doesn’t feel too lonely for too long#he’s already used to sleeping in the dark with the other pets though#i only had to keep him in my room for one night before he understood where we go when we go to bed#and he’s learning not to poo indoors (though pee is still trouble)#he’s a quick learner#AND the cats are starting to accept him
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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just when i was celebrating not having to go to work tonight..........now i might have to go in. at 10pm. i just wanted to fucking drink tonight 😭😭😭
#UGH FUCK i hate this job#as i typed that now it's a little up in the air#cause my employee who's there right now was like 'they might run till 1am'#then i call her and talk to the production lead and he says 10:30 and she said she could stay till 11#so idk where the fuck she got 1am from and i feel bad cause i couldn't hide my frustration#but i'm not gonna let my department get blamed for not being there when needed#even if that means i ruin my saturday night and sleeping schedule to go in for a few hours#and not get paid for it cause i'm salary#(something i kinda like...guilted my staff about when i was trying to get someone to work next saturday)#(but they need to understand i can only bend over backwards so far before i break)#(when they're the ones who get the extra money for going in)#and i mean i could still have a drink or two tonight....#i did give my tech a deadline of 9pm to tell me if i need to go in#mk's work woes
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mmm read a hurt/comfort Zoro fic recently and like. I get it now. That guy DOES hurt so pretty. kinda wanna try my hand at it.
-
A voice disappeared.
Zoro stopped in his tracks, feet rooted to the spot.
Who was it? Where? How-?
Just barely, he managed to block a blade aiming for his neck.
Luffy was ahead of him, laughing his head off. The cook was a bright flaming beacon in the sky.
The rest? C'mon take a count, Zoro. Make sure.
Usopp. Nami. Chopper. Jinbei. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
What? Two? No, where were-
His breath hitched as he blocked another attack.
Calm down. Take a breath. Count again.
Usopp. Nami. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
Fuck. They couldn't-
No, they had to have left the battlefield. These guys were smallfry, even for the so called "weakling trio".
Zoro took a moment to focus on the enemy around him. He let off a tatsumaki before focusing again.
One at a time, Zoro. Come on.
Usopp.
Robin.
Sanji.
Zoro jerked, eyes wide and searching frantically.
"No, no no no no no. He can't have-" Luffy would never leave before the battle was done, not without making some kind of grand exit. He wouldn't leave without telling Zoro- telling anyone- about it.
He wouldn't up and disappear into thin air like that. Not unless-
Zoro shook his head roughly. They were fine, he just couldn't see them. It would be too much of a coincidence for them all to disappear like that. He just needed to count again, then regroup with Usopp, Robin, and the cook, and figure out what was going on.
Stay calm, Zoro. Losing your head won't find your friends.
So, again, Zoro breathed. And Zoro counted.
Usopp.
The only voice left, was Usopp.
Zoro wasted no time.
He sprinted as fast as he could, cutting down anyone in front of him almost as an after thought, as he bulldozed towards Usopp's voice.
He'd nearly made it too, when some dead man kicked his side hard enough to stop him in his tracks.
Zoro turned to him, a snarl on his face. "Get out of my way before I kill you."
"Huh?" The man sneered. "I should be saying the same thing, watch where you swing those swords, asshole."
Zoro was about to retort when he noticed Usopp's voice moving away from him. He didn't have time for this.
Without warning, Zoro moved to slice through his opponent and, to his surprise, the man blocked it with ease.
"You wanna go? Here and now?" the man growled. "I'll kick your fucking ass."
This man- Zoro has never met him before, but nonetheless felt he would need to pay him his full attention to have a chance at winning.
But Usopp was getting farther and farther-
Oh, Zoro could hit himself.
"USOPP!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, startling the man. "STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, I'LL BE THERE SOON!"
Usopp didn't respond, but he stopped moving, and that was good enough for now.
"Hey!" The man yelled, pressing down on Zoro's swords. "Whatever you need him for can wait until after our battle's over. He's got his own problems to deal with."
Zoro didn't bother wasting his breath. He cut and slashed, throwing attack after attack without abandon. It didn't matter if he was wasting his energy, he needed to get to Usopp before- before-
The man, infuriatingly, blocked almost every blow, and got a few hits in on Zoro himself.
Zoro would get to Usopp, even if it killed-!
Suddenly, there was a crackle in the air and all at once, Zoro's nerves lit up with pure unfiltered pain.
He dropped to his knees, blurry vision wavering on black shoes. He couldn't feel his arms. Or his face. And his head was getting lighter and lighter.
Zoro's fading thoughts were prayers, to a god he didn't believe in, to keep his friend safe.
-
"GYAHHH, ZORO'S GONNA KILL ME!"
"Nami-swan, a little help please?" Sanji said, voice uncharacteristically strained.
"If you're asking, how can I say no?" Nami said, smirking. "Get out of the way... now!" The moment Sanji pushed off Zoro's swords to hop away, she brought down her Thunderbolt Tempo on top of Zoro. He fell to his knees before crumbling to the ground, twitching.
"You could've knocked him out on your own though, why ask for my help?" Nami asked.
"Ah well, it seemed he had a couple screws loose and I didn't want to kill what little braincells were remaining." Nami nodded in understanding.
The two of them turned to Usopp as he inched his way closer. He carefully prodded Zoro's thigh with his boot. "He's really unconscious, right? Not gonna get up anytime soon?"
Nami shrugged. "It's always hard to tell with him. But don't worry," -she stood tall, holding out her Climatact- "I'll shock him as many times as necessary."
"That means I get to live another day, so you have the Usopp deal of approval." Usopp gave her a thumbs up.
"What'd you even do to get him so pissed at you, Usopp?" Nami asked.
"Nothing!" He paused and looked away. "Well, nothing recently."
"He wasn't just mad," Sanji said. "He looked..." Scared, Sanji wanted to say. But the word was so... simple. Too simple. And it didn't explain the desperation in his eye. The wet sheen. The way he hardly blinked.
The way he kept himself facing the direction Usopp was in, revealing his constant use of Haki.
This wasn't just Zoro scared. This was Zoro terrified.
And Sanji had never seen him terrified before.
"...off," Sanji settled on, furrowing his brow. "He looked off."
Nami and Usopp hummed in thought.
The three of them stared down at Zoro's prone body. An ominous dark puddle started growing under him.
The three of them sighed.
"I'll call Chopper-" Usopp felt a tug on his ankle. He looked down. Zoro's hand was holding his boot. "I thought you said he was unconscious!" he yelled, trying to break his grip unsuccessfully.
Sanji poked Zoro with his shoe. Zoro didn't move. "He's still unconscious, so you're gonna have to be his teddy bear."
"What?! No!" He gripped onto Sanji's shirt. "Sanji-kun pleaaaaase free me before my ankle's crushed in his sleep!"
Sanji rolled an eye. "You'll be fine."
"Then can you go get Chopper? Zoro's losing a lot of blood."
"The mosshead'll be fine too. Also," -Sanji pointed to Luffy and Chopper doing some kind of strange combo attack, with Chopper in Heavy Point using Luffy as a whip- "I don't wanna break up their fun."
"Sanji-kun," Nami piped up. "Go get Chopper, please."
"Of course, Nami-swan!" Sanji immediately ran off.
-
The two of them quietly watched him go.
"Did you see what caused this?" Usopp asked.
Nami shook her head. "I know about as much as you do: Zoro suddenly taking out a big group at once and then charging towards you." She bit her lip. "I don't think he recognized Sanji."
Usopp sighed, squatting down to pull the bandana from green hair. He stared at the slackened face of his friend, hands tightening in dark fabric.
"What happened to you, Zoro?"
#one piece#roronoa zoro#nemo the writing ho#oh crap i think i accidentally started a multi-chapter when i meant o write a drabble aaaaa#the gist of this is. devil fruit or marine weapon or something. fucks with zoros head. so he thinks his crew has disappeared one by one#and its like. a subtle thing. which is why nobody notices until Zoros bulldozing toeards Usopp#tbh i have no clue where to go from here i just wanted to cause him some hurt#ack. this has not enough zoro pain#ah well. late night drabbles are. well. late night drabbles.#ohhh perhaps. perhaps even after this whole thing is resolved. zoro has hella trouble sleeping.#bc hes afraid he'll fall asleep and he eont be able to hear his friends voices anymore#so he takes as many night watches as possible. he doesnt take naps anymore. stays up even without having watch#all this just to obsessively check and recheck his Haki.#and then visit each and every one of them to confirm with his own eye that they were still here. still alive#haha yeah. itd probably take awhile to be comfortable enough to sleep again#maybe the only way he feels safe to do so at first is to be in a huge pile with his friends sleeping on or around him#oh fuck now im making myself hella sad#okay thats enough for tonight its bed time
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I'm one more panic attack from ending it all
#-🍋����//Vince#going through it and our only friend is#not really wanting to be our friend#I don't know how many more “I should leave”s I can hear from them before I break#they don't reply they don't text first they remind me every day that they think of leaving#and when I say “do it then” they say they don't want to#so all I have to know is they just don't want to be near me#and I'm not even really sure why#other than they shouted at one of our littles which we were obviously upset about and now they keep saying they're going to leave#they keep saying they care about us though#but they don't care enough to be there for us or even talk to us#how is it you're caring?#all I want is for you to be a friend#and if you can't then say that#but it feels more like just a tactic to have me begging for them to stay#do you enjoy making me vulnerable like this?#I'm sorry#I'm sick of crying myself to sleep
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i just want to fucking leave man
#my dad thinks is appropriate to throw my entire bed out into the hallway because i annoyed him#by not paying full attention to him when i was in the middle of playing a battlefield match while he was going on another rant#started talking about how we’re being “forced to renounce our faith” because of immigrants like how about you shut the fuck up#but if i try to argue back all of a sudden i’m rude and have an attitude like oh okay#he literally only cares about my brother#was ranting and raving at me for not staying by his side as a medic telling me to get my act together#it’s a fucking game??? hello???#this is like the second week in a row he’s done this to me#last week i can’t even remember what i did but he ended up with my xbox nearly broke because he shoved it and my bed into a wardrobe#my bed isn’t even a fucking bed i sleep on the floor on a duvet and god forbid i ask for another pillow#then when i was trying to sort my bed out he started shouting at me for being too loud like you’re the one raising your voice here?#then told me he was sick of my shit actually i’m sick of yours#woe beside me if i even dare ask him to turn his fucking videos down when i’m trying to sleep#i keep telling my mum i don’t want to visit him and i end up still getting forced to go#zad talks
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crazy how if you google “how many job applications per week” (which you probably shouldn’t google anyway) you get one result saying doing 2-3 a day is good, one result saying doing 5-10 a day is good, and one result saying doing 11-20 a day is good. So basically, do whatever the hell you want forever
#my thing is. HOW many of these jobs are real. HOW many of these places are actually hiring#one of the 2 i did today made you answer like 15 different questions about whether you’ve ever been late for work. ummmm.no#my plan is to apply at least 20 jobs over the next ummm week or two or so#and keep in mind these are all like nothingburger minimum wage retail jobs designed for stupid individuals such as myself#and if NONE of these places want me then i will know that the job market right now is probably bad for realsies#and so between like september 14-21 i will know if i should be looking for a place to stay for october#or looking for a plane ticket back so i don’t waste money chasing something that won’t happen#and IF it’s option B then i will make my brother hire me at dunkin for a few months until a) the job market improves#or b) i have enough money saved up that i could convince some landlord to rent to me while unemployed#because my thing about the money is like. i still have everything i saved when i worked at target#and i still remember what i endured in order to save all that money. so i absolutely am not dipping into that money#until i KNOW my life is headed in the right direction#and also when i got the job at target that was literally the 4th job i applied to in like 3 months#so if i apply to like 2 dozen jobs and none of them pan out then i’ll Know the timing is wrong. the market is bad#anyway pay me no mind i’ve only been back on the west coast 24 hours#i just had to go ahead and think through every possibility before my head asploded. Her ass did not fucking sleep last night your honor
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weeoo
#this is gonna be me talking in tags today#ive been rather sleep deprived lately trying to keep up with everything around me#and its been taking a toll on my health like#if i go too long like this i tend to feel more lethargic and my allergies kick in#i got a sore throat bc my room has been Freezing and then i get headaches way way easier#often times my face will flush but its just my nose and idk why#well anyways lmao i just aint feelin great due to lack of sleep#so i emailed my teachers and stayed home and others might say this wasnt it#but i can barely get to sleep at all these days and just bed ridding myself#seemed like the only way for my body to be like#'fine 🙄 u can sleep' lmao#thats actually one of the worst symptoms is im restless i just Cant grt to sleep no matter how hard i try#ive had a couple days where i was running on 2-3 hours bc i spent even longer Laying there#anyways i hope this makes a difference im tired of feeling tired and shitty#luckily my mood has weirdly been high#its just my sleep and health that are low#i think when the sleepiest soldiers are unable to get sleep thats when u know smths wrong#i think also so much is happening and me trying to keep up is taking more outta me than i expected#im a gal who gets overwhelmed easily even if im happy w whats happening lmao#tho im not Happy im more In a Good Mood lmao#side tangent but i HATE being an adult who doesnt have like idk Help lmao#like my dad was so nice to me sometimes and helped me sometimes#i could go a whole day sleeping bc id be fucking exhausted#and hed qake me up and ask me when i last ate and if i couldnt decide but itd been too long#hed make smth for the both pf us or hed make it For me and id just be able to like recover lmao#ah adulthood is hard lmao#alright im done#gata#no need to read <3 yall
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