#but one of the springs disconnected years ago so it's just kinda had one and a half wings BUT I FIXED IT RECENTLY

[sentientgopro]

Tomorrow marks one month since I cracked. 2 things have become very apparent over this time.

1: This is gonna be a long and hard year and a half before I can transition. The month has already felt wild, the disconnect between the change in mental state and actual, y'know, change, has been really jarring and will only get more so the more time passes with nothing changing.

2: Just how much I was wrong about at first and how much stuff there was under the surface. Sentences like "I don't feel dysphoria" and "I can easily be a guy for a while" spring to mind. lol. lmao even. It was only like a week and a half ago I was saying the name I think I like means nothing to me and is just a nice name and that itd probably stay that way until late into transition. But nope, I'm already kinda starting to feel that name. Atleast like 2 and a half years before I can actually start using it. Great.

For all the negatives, there's one thing that has persisted since day 3 and that is the permanent mood improvement. Not being able to transition till I can move out sucks, but it gives me something to look forward to, which it turns out I was in dire need of, with my only real reasons to live being reasons not to end it yet, as opposed to reasons why I should live. But I see it now. A happy future is very much within my grasp and I WILL make it happen. Being in a better mood has made it easier to get stuff done on a day to day basis, and getting stuff done makes me feel even better. I've been on an upward spiral that's doing pretty good at counteracting the downward spiral of increasing dysphoria.

That's more of a recap, and now that the dust has settled a bit for now and I haven't bren having as many big realisations about it, I've started thinking, "why now?" Its not like I didn't know about trans people. I've been involved in trans spaces for years, I've been having these kind of feelings for years too. What actually was it that truly set it off? Like, the true moment of understanding was my first scroll through r/egg_irl but what was it that compelled me to do that?

Idea one was my first real feeling of euphoria. I kinda knew what it was at the time, I just ignored it. A month or two prior to cracking, my hair was at the longest it had ever been (which is not long at all.) It was the first time that the bits of hair infront of my ears (normally just a short spike shape as part of my fade) was long enough to dangle on its own as opposed to being fully stuck to my head. Something about having dangling hair like that felt good. I knew why, I just ignored it. I wonder if that specific feeling had been a bit of an early kickstart into this realisation? Either way, I was told to get a haircut shortly after (theres a reason my hair never gets very long) so I didn't dwell on it.

The only other factor I can really think of that was different just before cracking was watching Gen V? In short, Gen V features a character who can switch between masc and fem in an instant. In my interpretation of the show, this doesn't inherently make them genderfluid, but the power serves as an exaggeration for presenting (so them being masc is comparable to boymoding.) When looked at from that perspective, their writing strongly reflects that of a trans character and it kinda hit a certain spot for me. But honestly, I really don't think that was the actual catalyst.

The only real conclusion I can draw from this is that there was no actual catalyst. For a fair few days before fully cracking, I felt something was off, and I knew exactly what it was and what was about to happen, even if I didn't admit it to myself. So I think my cracking must have been a very gradual thing with no real catalyst.

There was more I had to say here, but its a fairly different topic and got really long, Ill save it for its own post. This has perhaps been one of the wildest months of my life, and also one of the most normal. As much as I hate that nothing has really changed, the better understanding of myself Ive gotten has been massively benefical. Besides, knowing is half the battle and I'm pretty much there already.

[selfdiagnosedeyemotif]

Chapter One (Tyrri):

Short prologue with 19-year-old Tyrri showing her concept for her dissertation to her professor: A Study on the Interactions of Ecology and Magic in the Farlands

“Tyrri… this is a lot. Are you sure that you can -” “YES I CAN PROFESSOR”

Might include a real actual smash cut just for this scene because that would be HILARIOUS

The ship is mostly populated by ordinary cargo workers, with a small quarters belowdecks for the handful of scholars from the University of Cunningsworth that are heading over

Scrutinise tutorial introduces our main cast of characters: Elias and Lia Aegir, Sebastian Ararius, and Catena Novi

Elias is like. The stereotypical rich one. I know I’m so creative but most of these guys aren’t gonna show up much save for one.

He’s not a bad guy though, just a little disconnected from the others

He’s headed to the Farlands with his research partner and sister, Lia, to study a specific group of local birds that they believe may share an evolutionary ancestor with common Howlers back on the mainland but had diverged from them long ago

Lia is a lot more grounded than her brother but still has that very rich girl feel to her

They’re both nice people just a little… eccentric

Might give them a postgame side quest

Sebastian is a geologist looking to study the bluffs on the northwest of the Farlands (across the Sea Unsundered from the Fjordlands)

A bit more of your classic looking in a book and is surprised when you talk to him because didn’t notice you kinda guy

Not a lot of notes on him

Catena is sitting on the bunk above where Tyrri sleeps and is constantly scrawling in a notebook

Tyrri also notably is a notebook girlie and tries to strike up conversation with her about that and gets shut down HARD

Catena (Tyrri quickly starts calling her “Cat”, with no response still) fully does not talk to anyone throughout the entire trip

Her bunk is also covered in papers. Like so many.

She’s the only other scholar of magic besides Tyrri but isn’t talking to people so she can’t swap ideas and by ALEPHAN please talk to me I want to know your RESEARCH

CAT. CAT PLEASE TALK TO ME.

Sorry about that Tyrri got a hold of the keyboard there

After making landfall in the exploratory colony of Seekersgate (the only town in the Farlands), Tyrri quickly starts moving to get out into the vast world and collect some SAMPLES. Let’s GO. (Okay apparently slipping slightly into character is gonna be like. my new thing for this outline. fun stuff)

Synergise tutorial with just chatting with townsfolk that night. Most of the residents are scholars so after a lively discussion (represented by a fight) a lot of them will just say “this kid’s got some really cool ideas” and join you in your endeavours

Poke around on some forest paths for a while before happening upon a spring over and over (seems like a lot of the paths lead to it)

Jump back into cutscene mode for a research timelapse (lesgo)

Tyrri gradually comes to the conclusion that not only are many of the island’s magical creatures concentrated in this area, many of them also trace back to this one particular spring (this conclusion is made with some help from the siblings Aegir, who are more than happy to do some cool biology stuff with you)

With the help of Sebastian, who pinpoints the source of the spring as being a certain underground cavern, Tyrri is able to go on a little journey underground and find…

The First Dungeon: The Otherworldly Wellspring

This dungeon (which sadly doesn’t exist) is just such a treat for the eyes

Little streams of water lit up by glowing pink-and-purple crystals that stud the walls

It’s… bright, strangely, considering that it’s underground

No ideas for what kind of enemies we’d be fighting here sorry…

Anyways reaching the end of this place, Tyrri and Sebastian find themselves at a lake (he’s your helper for the fight ahead)

The duo start to take samples of the water, but as they start taking samples of the crystals themselves, they find that they lose their shine as soon as they’re chipped off of the walls of the cave

And something doesn’t like that they’re trying to take the crystals.

Emerging from the centre of the lake is a sea serpent that, uncoiled, easily could reach through the entire path to the underground lake out into the daylight (she is SO coiled up)

Tyrri and Sebastian quickly conclude that there is no way to run from them, they’ll just catch up

They refuse to listen to your claims that you were doing this for science and didn’t plan on being invasive, kicking off…

The First Boss: Guardian of the Wellspring

Starting things off with a fun magic snake

It has one bite attack but other than that it’s running magic

Element-wise there’s a focus on fire/ice/lightning (we’ll be seeing a lot of that in this story even outside of Tyrri’s moveset)

Not a ton of notes on this guy sorry

After a certain point: a lot of coils come out of the water, all of them are weak to Lightning, prompts Latent Power

In terms of help Sebastian has mostly skills focused on SP (probably one to restore his own and one to restore Tyrri’s)

Might have Lightning Bolt I haven’t decided yet

After the battle, the serpent calms down enough to listen to reason

Is very conspicuously trying to hide a passage that leads further down into the cave, Tyrri and Sebastian politely don’t mention it until they leave the cave

Says that the crystals draw their magic from the island itself; but the water is steeped with magic and it wouldn’t be too much of a problem to take a little to study

The duo exits the cave, talks a bit about the passage leading deeper, and separates

It isn’t focused on but if you look in the background after this scene concludes Catena is hiding behind a tree, listening in

Tyrri, holding a few test tubes of cave water in her bag, realises that she’ll need a bit of help deciphering its magical secrets and hops on the next ship that could take her back to the mainland, bound for the University of Cunningsworth

[beantothemax]

the chaotic oc weirdgirl arc begins...

Chapter One:

Short prologue with 19-year-old Tyrri showing her concept for her dissertation to her professor: A Study on the Interactions of Ecology and Magic in the Farlands

“Tyrri… this is a lot. Are you sure that you can -” “YES I CAN PROFESSOR”

Might include a real actual smash cut just for this scene because that would be HILARIOUS

The ship is mostly populated by ordinary cargo workers, with a small quarters belowdecks for the handful of scholars from the University of Cunningsworth that are heading over

Scrutinise tutorial introduces our main cast of characters: Elias and Lia Aegir, Sebastian Ararius, and Catena Novi

Elias is like. The stereotypical rich one. I know I’m so creative but most of these guys aren’t gonna show up much save for one.

He’s not a bad guy though, just a little disconnected from the others

He’s headed to the Farlands with his research partner and sister, Lia, to study a specific group of local birds that they believe may share an evolutionary ancestor with common Howlers back on the mainland but had diverged from them long ago

Lia is a lot more grounded than her brother but still has that very rich girl feel to her

They’re both nice people just a little… eccentric

Might give them a postgame side quest

Sebastian is a geologist looking to study the bluffs on the northwest of the Farlands (across the Sea Unsundered from the Fjordlands)

A bit more of your classic looking in a book and is surprised when you talk to him because didn’t notice you kinda guy

Not a lot of notes on him

Catena is sitting on the bunk above where Tyrri sleeps and is constantly scrawling in a notebook

Tyrri also notably is a notebook girlie and tries to strike up conversation with her about that and gets shut down HARD

Catena (Tyrri quickly starts calling her “Cat”, with no response still) fully does not talk to anyone throughout the entire trip

Her bunk is also covered in papers. Like so many.

She’s the only other scholar of magic besides Tyrri but isn’t talking to people so she can’t swap ideas and by ALEPHAN please talk to me I want to know your RESEARCH

CAT. CAT PLEASE TALK TO ME.

Sorry about that Tyrri got a hold of the keyboard there

After making landfall in the exploratory colony of Seekersgate (the only town in the Farlands), Tyrri quickly starts moving to get out into the vast world and collect some SAMPLES. Let’s GO. (okay apparently slipping slightly into character is gonna be like. my new thing for this outline. fun stuff)

Synergise tutorial with just chatting with townsfolk that night. Most of the residents are scholars so after a lively discussion (represented by a fight) a lot of them will just say “this kid’s got some really cool ideas” and join you in your endeavours

Poke around on some forest paths for a while before happening upon a spring over and over (seems like a lot of the paths lead to it)

Jump back into cutscene mode for a research timelapse (lesgo)

Tyrri gradually comes to the conclusion that not only are many of the island’s magical creatures concentrated in this area, many of them also trace back to this one particular spring (this conclusion is made with some help from the siblings Aegir, who are more than happy to do some cool biology stuff with you)

With the help of Sebastian, who pinpoints the source of the spring as being a certain underground cavern, Tyrri is able to go on a little journey underground and find…

The First Dungeon: The Otherworldly Wellspring

This dungeon (which sadly doesn’t exist) is just such a treat for the eyes

Little streams of water lit up by glowing pink-and-purple crystals that stud the walls

It’s… bright, strangely, considering that it’s underground

No ideas for what kind of enemies we’d be fighting here sorry…

Anyways reaching the end of this place, Tyrri and Sebastian find themselves at a lake (he’s your helper for the fight ahead)

The duo start to take samples of the water, but as they start taking samples of the crystals themselves, they find that they lose their shine as soon as they’re chipped off of the walls of the cave

And something doesn’t like that they’re trying to take the crystals.

Emerging from the centre of the lake is a sea serpent that, uncoiled, easily could reach through the entire path to the underground lake out into the daylight (she is SO coiled up)

Tyrri and Sebastian quickly conclude that there is no way to run from them, they’ll just catch up

They refuse to listen to your claims that you were doing this for science and didn’t plan on being invasive, kicking off…

The First Boss: Guardian of the Wellspring

Starting things off with a fun magic snake

It has one bite attack but other than that it’s running magic

Element-wise there’s a focus on fire/ice/lightning (we’ll be seeing a lot of that in this story even outside of Tyrri’s moveset)

Not a ton of notes on this guy sorry

After a certain point: a lot of coils come out of the water, all of them are weak to Lightning, prompts Latent Power

In terms of help Sebastian has mostly skills focused on SP (probably one to restore his own and one to restore Tyrri’s)

Might have Lightning Bolt I haven’t decided yet

After the battle, the serpent calms down enough to listen to reason

Is very conspicuously trying to hide a passage that leads further down into the cave, Tyrri and Sebastian politely don’t mention it until they leave the cave

Says that the crystals draw their magic from the island itself; but the water is steeped with magic and it wouldn’t be too much of a problem to take a little to study

The duo exits the cave, talks a bit about the passage leading deeper, and separates

It isn’t focused on but if you look in the background after this scene concludes Catena is hiding behind a tree, listening in

Tyrri, holding a few test tubes of cave water in her bag, realises that she’ll need a bit of help deciphering its magical secrets and hops on the next ship that could take her back to the mainland, bound for the University of Cunningsworth

!!! TYRRI!!!!!!!!! her story seems really fun!!!!

I’m an avid supporter of you going slightly into character in your story details, it’s fun to read!

it is an actual crime that the otherworldly wellspring isn’t real because the way you describe it makes it sound so pretty

I like this a lot so far!!!!

[bunny-hoodlum]

Almost done binging Netflix's Dark and Some Updates on hiatused Fics

Okay, I deleted my cringey post from however long ago, two days ago, whatever. I mean, in a way this blog is dead. I don't reaaaally feel like posting anything on here in particular, and I kinda never have. IDK when I will be drawing again, and I'm pulling away from social media in general becuz it's actually making me less inspired and more distracted.

Okay, I'll just quickly touch on Dark and move on. If you've read my fic "Powerless", which I stupidly deleted becuz I was worried readers were gonna feel ship-baited (becuz I didn't know when the NaruHina was ACTUALLY gonna happen) but for the past 3 years I wish I had left it up, it's been nearly 5 years now since I started it... AGHHHH!!! Okay, recurring angst out of the way, Dark S3 reminded me of what I was going for with Powerless. So... While time travel will not be involved at all, cosmic-level mysteries are definitely part of it. And I'll be working on the official plot again on the side. (it's still probably going to suck though, haha, what a reason to never update something, it never gets to suck if you don't let it. :P )

Fanfic Updates:

*more pained screaming* AHHHH!!! Had to get the cringe out of the way. Trying really hard here to get back to 21 Days but I feel so embarrassed, I don't know why. I just looked at it and had to click away, guhhh... T _ T Must be my writing, it's almost 3 years old. Where does the time go? I'm so sad. I have to retcon shit by 2 chapters. I totally forced the plot point of Sasuke taking his police test too early. I'm no longer attached to that development, which is good, because by holding onto it, I was staying stuck. Ch 20 is fine in of itself, but it's so, so short and not amazing. Totally a transitional chapter but whatever the new chapter is, it's going to be like... Ch 20's content plus more, and then Ch 21 is going to be something else entirely.

I know that there's nothing wrong with AWY in its current state, and even with the way it is right now it's like an arc has ended and I have to start a new arc, but I'm not feeling the last chapter anymore either. I think the way Kurenai is and how they kinda made up was totally accepted and even enjoyed? But it's not working for me. So I'm adjusting all of that.

As for Runner's High, I've written several new different outlines and such, so far I'm leaning on... and this is because I watched Run with the Wind last spring precisely for research... I'm leaning on Naruto being a college athlete and his team goes to a resort for training and it happens to be the one that I originally wanted him to work at -- maybe he will still work there at some point, I'm still figuring that all out. But I'm abandoning the 'hotel/hospitality management' major aspect because it's not really a necessary degree to move up the hierarchy. He can be a front desk boy and already be on the path to hotel owner, give or take years and years of experience, and then, y'know, not even know if that's what he wants until later. I still think Uzushio can be like a bankrupt country that he wants to go back to and revitalize and whatnot. Maybe. I've totally disconnected from my old plans and the previous version of the fic, so whatever becomes up the reboot is gonna be whatever it's gonna be, and it's not going to be the same lol. It literally cannot be the same. Lightning in a Bottle. But it's still a fun story that I want to write either way. It's a niche that needs to be filled, among other things.

Alright, I think that's all. Sorry, I'm not more succinct with this stuff, I know it's rambly as hell lol.

[hamliet]

The Crows Summon the Sun

Or, Hamliet’s review of Shadow & Bone, which gets a 4.5/5 for enjoyment and a 3.5/5 in terms of writing.

The true heroes of this story and the saviors of the show are the Crows. However, the problem is that the show then has an uneven feel, because the strength of the Crows plotline highlights the weaknesses of the trilogy storyline. But imo, overall, the strengths overshadow (#punintended) the weaknesses. 

I’ll divide the review into the narrative and the technical (show stuff, social commentary), starting with narrative.

Narrative: The Good 

It’s What The Crows Deserve

I went into the show watching it for the Crows; however, knowing that their storyline was intended to be a prequel, I wasn’t terribly optimistic. And while it is a prequel, the characters have complete and full arcs that perfectly set them up for the further development they will have in the books (which I think should be the next season?). Instead of retreading the arcs they’d have in the books, which is how prequels usually go, they had perfect set up for these arcs. It’s really excellent. 

Jesper, Inej, and Kaz are all allowed to be flawed, to have serious conflicts with one another, and yet to love each other. They feel like a found family in the best of ways. Kaz is the perfect selfish rogue; he’s a much more successfully executed Byronic hero than the Darkling, actually. Inej is heroic and her faith is not mocked, yet she too is flawed and her choices are not always entirely justified, but instead left to the audience to ponder (like killing the girl), which is a more mature writing choice that I appreciated. 

Jesper is charming, has a heart of gold despite being a murderer and on the surface fairly greedy, and MILO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GOAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I also liked Jesper’s fling with Dima but I felt it could be better used rather than merely establishing his sexuality, like if Jesper and Dima had seen each other one more time or something had come of their tryst for the plot/themes/development of Jesper. 

Nina and Matthias’s backstory being in the first season, instead of in flashbacks, really works because it automatically erases any discomfort of the implications of Nina having falsely accused Matthias that the books start with. We know Nina, we know Matthias, we know their motivations, backgrounds, and why they feel the way we do. It’ll be easy for the audience to root for them without a lot of unnecessary hate springing from misunderstanding Nina (since she’s my favorite). Matthias’s arc was also really strongly executed and satisfyingly tragic. Their plotline was a bit unfortunately disconnected from the rest of the story, but Danielle Gallagan and Callahan Skogman have absolutely sizzling chemistry so I found myself looking forward to their scenes instead of feeling distracted. Also? It’s nice seeing a woman with Nina’s body type as a romantic and powerful character. 

Hamliet Likes Malina Now

Insofar as the trilogy storyline goes, the best change the show made was Mal. He still is the same character from the books, but much more likable. The pining was... a lot (too much in episode 4, I felt) but Malina is a ship I actually enjoyed in the show while I NOTP’d it in the books. Mal has complexity and layers to his motivations (somewhat) and a likable if awkward charm. Archie Renaux was fantastic. 

Ben Barnes is the perfect Aleksandr Kirigan, and 15 year old me, who had the biggest of big crushes on Ben Barnes (first celebrity crush over a decade ago lol), was pretty damn happy lol. He’s magnificantly acted--sympathetic and terrifying, sincerely caring and yet villainous in moments. Story-wise, I think it was smart to reveal his name earlier on than in the books, because it helps with the humanization especially in a visual medium like film. Luda was a fitting (if heartbreaking) backstory, but it is also hard for me to stomach knowing what the endgame of his character is. Like... I get the X-men fallacy thing, but I hope the show gives more kindness to his character than the books did, yet I’m afraid to hold my breath. Just saying that if you employ save the cat, if you directly say you added this part (Luda) to make the character more likable (as the director did) please do not punish the audience for feeling what you intended. 

I also liked the change that made Alina half-Shu. It adds well to her arc and fits with her character, actually giving her motivations (she kinda just wants to be ordinary in a lot of ways) a much more interesting foundation than in the books. Also it’s nice not to have another knock-off Daenerys (looking to you Celaena and book!Alina). Jessie Mei Li does a good job playing Alina’s insecurities and emotions, but... 

Narrative: The Ehhhhhhh

Alina the Lamp

Sigh. Here we go. Alina has little consistent characterization. She’s almost always passive when we see her, yet she apparently punches an officer for calling her a name and this seems to be normal for her, but it doesn’t fit at all with what we know about her thus far. Contradictions are a part of humanity, but it’s never given any focus, so it comes across as inconsistent instead of a flaw or repression. 

I have no idea what Alina wants, beside that she wants to be with Mal, which is fine except I have no idea what the basis of their bond is. Even with like, other childhood friends to lovers like Ren/Nora in RWBY or Eren/Mikasa in SnK, there’s an inciting moment, a reason, that we learn very early on in their story to show us what draws them together. Alina and Mal just don’t have that. There’s the meadow/running away thing, but they were already so close, and why?  Why, exactly? What brought them together? The term “bullies” is thrown around but it isn’t ever explored and it needed to be this season. If I have to deal with intense pining for so many episodes at least give me a foundation for their devotion. You need to put this in the beginning, in the first season. You just do.

A “lamp” character is a common metaphor to describe a bad character: essentially, you could replace the character with a lamp and nothing changes. Considering Alina’s gift is light, it’s a funnily apt metaphor, but it really does apply. Her choices just don’t... matter. She could be a special lamp everyone is fighting over and almost nothing would change. The ironic thing is that everyone treating her like a fancy lamp is exactly the conflict, but it’s never delved into. We’re never shown that Alina is more than a lamp. She never has to struggle because her choices are made for her and information is gifted to her when she needs it. Not making choices protects Alina from consequences and the story gives her little incentive to change that; in fact, things tend to turn out better when she doesn’t make choices (magic stags will arrive). 

Like... let’s look at a few occasions when Alina almost or does make choices. For example, she chooses to (it seems) sleep with Kirigan, but then there’s a convenient knock at the door and Bhagra arrives with key information that changes Alina’s mind instantly despite the fact that Bhagra’s been pretty terrible to her. If you want to write a woman realizing she’s been duped by a cruel man, show her discovering it instead of having the man’s abusive mother tell her when she had absolutely no such suspicions beforehand. There’s no emotional weight there because Alina doesn’t struggle. 

When she is actually allowed to carry out a bad choice, the consequences are handwaved away instead of built into a challenge for her. Like... Alina got her friends killed. More than once. I’m not saying she’s entirely to blame for these but could we show her reacting to it? Feeling any sort of grief? She never mentions Raisa or Alexei after they’re gone, just Mal, and I’m... okay. They were there because of you. Aren’t you feeling anything? Aren’t you sad? The only time Alina brings up her friends’ deaths is to tell Kirigan he killed her friends when they were only there because she burned the maps. She yells at Kirigan for “never” giving her a choice, but she almost never makes any, so why would he? Alina has the gall to lecture Genya about choices, but she herself almost never has to make any. 

Which brings me to another complaint in general: Alina’s lack of care for everyone around her when they’re not Mal, even if they care for her. Marie dies because of her (absolutely not her fault of course) but as far as we know she never even learns about Marie. She certainly doesn’t ever ask about her or Nadia. Alina seems apathetic at best to people, certainly not compassionate or kind. 

The frustrating thing is that there is potential here. Like, it actually makes a lot of psychological sense for an orphan who has grown up losing to be reluctant to care for people outside of her orbit and that she would struggle to believe she can have any say in her destiny (ie make choices). It’s also interesting that a girl who feels like an outsider views others outside her. But the show never offers examines Alina’s psychology with any depth; it simply tells us she’s compassionate when she is demonstrably not, it tells us she makes decisions when it takes magical intervention to do so. It’s a missed opportunity. This does not change between episodes 1 and 8, despite the episodes’ parallel structures and scenes, which unintentionally reinforces that Alina had little real development. 

Inej and ironically Jesper and Kaz embody the concept of “mercy” far better and with far more complexity than Alina does. The Crows have reactions to the loss of people who even betray them (Arken, etc), learn, and course-correct (or don’t) when they are even loosely involved in having strangers die. They’re good characters because they change and learn and have their choices matter. When they kill we see them wrestle with it and what this means even if they are accustomed to doing so. Jesper can’t kill in front of a child. Kaz wonders what his killings do to Inej’s idea of him.

Narrative: The Mixed Bag

Tropes, Themes, Telling vs. Showing

So the show’s themes in the Alina storyline are a mess, as they are in the trilogy too. Tropes are a very valuable way to show your audience what you’re trying to say. They’re utilized worldwide because they resonate with people and we know what to expect from them. The Crows' storyline shows us what it wants us to learn.

Preaching tells, and unfortunately, the trilogy relies on telling/preaching against fornicationBad Boys. It��s your right to write any trope or trample any trope you want--your story--but you should at least understand what/why you are doing so. The author clearly knows enough about Jungian shadows and dark/light yin/yang symbolism to use it in the story, but then just handwaves it away as “I don’t like this” but never does so in a narratively effective way: addressing the appeal in the first place. If you really wanna deconstruct a trope, you gotta empathize with the core of the reason these tropes appeal to people (it allays deep fears that we are ourselves unlovable, through loving another person despite how beastly they can be), and address this instead of ignoring it. Show us a better way through the Fold of your story. Don’t just go around it and ignore the issue.

The trilogy offers highly simplistic themes at best--bad boy bad and good boy good, which is fine-ish for kid lit but less fine for adult complexity, which the show (more so than the books) seems to try to push despite not actually having much of it.

Alina and Mal are intended to be good, we’re told they are, but I’m not sure why beyond just that we’re told so. Alina claims the stag chose her, but in the show it’s never explained why at all. Unlike with Kaz, Inej, Jesper, and hell even Matthias and Nina, we don’t see Alina or Mal’s complex choices and internal wrestling. 

Like, Inej’s half-episode where she almost killed the guy they needed was far more character exploration than Alina has the entire show, to say nothing of Inej’s later killing which not only makes her leaps and bounds more interesting, but ironically cements her as a far more compelling and yes, likable, heroine than Alina. We see Inej’s emotional and moral conflict. We can relate to her. We see Kaz struggling with his selfishness and regrets, with his understanding of himself through his interactions with and observations of Inej, Alina, the Darkling, Arken, and Jesper.

We don’t explore what makes Mal or Alina good and what makes them bad. We don’t know what Alina discovers about herself, what her power means for her. We are told they are good, we are told she knows her power is hers, but never shown what this means or what this costs them/her. Their opportunities to be good are handed to them (the stag, Bhagra) instead of given to them as a challenge in which they risk things, in which doing good or making a merciful choice costs them. Alina gets to preach about choices without ever making any; Inej risks going back to the Menagerie to trust Kaz. Her choices risk. They cost. They matter and direct her storyline and her arc, and those of the people around her.

Production Stuff:

The Good: 

The production overall is quite excellent. The costumes, pacing, acting, and cinematography (for example, one of the earliest scenes between the Darkling and Alina has Alina with her back to the light, face covered in his shadow, while the Darkling’s face is light up by her light even if he stands in the shadows) are top-notch. The soundtrack as well is incredible and emphasizes the scenes playing. The actors have great chemistry together, friend chemistry and romantic when necessary (Mal and Alina, the Darkling and Alina, Kaz and Inej, Nina and Matthias, David and Genya, etc.) All are perfectly cast. 

The Uncomfortable Technicalities Hamliet Wants to Bitch About:

The only characters from fantasy!Europe having any trace of an accent reminiscent of said fantasy country's real-world equivalent are antagonists like Druskelle (Scandinavia) and Pekka (Ireland). When the heroes mostly have British accents despite being from fantasy Russia and Holland, it is certainly A Choice to have the Irish accent emphasized. The actor is British by the way, so I presume he purposely put on an Irish accent. I'm sure no one even considered the potential implications of this but it is A Look nonetheless.

The Anachronisms Hamliet Has a Pet Peeve About: 

The worldbuilding is compelling, but the only blight on the worldbuilding within the story itself (ignoring context) was that there are some anachronisms that took me out of the story, particularly in the first episode where “would you like to share with the class” and “saved by the horn” are both used. Both are modern-day idioms in English that just don’t fit, especially the latter. The last episode uses “the friends we made along the way.” There are other modern idioms as well.

IT’S STARKOVA and Other Pet Peeves Around the Russian Portrayal 

Russian names are not hard, and Russian naming systems are very, very easy to learn. I could have waved “Starkov” not being “Starkova,” “Nazyalensky” not being “Nazyalenskaya,”  and “Safin” not being “Safina” as an American interpretation (since in America, the names do not femininize). However, “Mozorova” as a man is unfathomable and suggests to me the author just doesn’t understand how names work, which is a bit... uh okay considering a simple google search gets you to understand Russian names. They aren’t hard. I cannot understand why the show did not fix this. It is so simple to fix and would be a major way to help the story’s overall... caricature of Russia. 

Speaking of that... Ravka is supposedly Russian-based, but it is more accurately based on the stereotypes of what Americans think of Russia. Amerussia? Russica? Not great. 

The royals are exactly what Americans think of the Romanovs, right down to the “greasy” “spiritual advisor” who is clearly Rasputin and which ignores the Romanov history, very real tragedy, and the reason Rasputin was present in the court. The religion with all its saints is a vapid reflection of Russian Orthodoxy. The military portrayal with its lotteries and brutality and war is how the US views the Russian military. The emphasis on orphans, constant starvation, classification, and children being ripped from their homes to serve the government is a classic US understanding of USSR communism right down to the USSR having weapons of destruction the rest of the world fears (Grisha). Not trying to defend the Soviet Union here at all, but it is simplistic and reductive and probably done unconsciously but still ehhhh. 

However, I’m not Russian. I just studied Russian literature. I’ve seen very little by way of discussion of this topic online, but what I do see from Russian people has been mixed--some mind, some don’t. The reality is that I actually don’t really mind this because it’s fantasy, though I see why some do. I'm not like CANCEL THIS. So why am I talking about this beyond just having a pet peeve?

Well, because it is a valid critique, and because it doesn’t occur in a vacuum. The Grishaverse is heralded as an almost paragon for woke Young Adult literature, which underlines itself what so frustrates me about how literary circles discuss issues of diversity and culture. Such praise, while ignoring its quasi-caricature of Russia, reflects a very ethnocentric (specifically American) understanding of culture, appropriation, and representation. All stories are products of their culture to various extents, but it bothers me on principle what the lit community reacts (and overreacts sometimes?) to and what people give a pass to. The answer to what the community reacts to and what it gives a pass always pivots on how palatable the appropriation is to American understandings and sensibilities. There’s nuance here as well, though. 

I'm not cancelling the story or thinking it should be harshly attacked for this, but it is something that can be discussed and imo should be far more often--but with the nuance it begs, instead of black/white. But that’s a tall ask. 

[sonatanotwo]

Reconnecting

Bro wrote me this years ago... I still love it so much. I wrote this kinda based off it... including my attempt at matching the style a bit... though I am awful at present tense, so uh yeah. I never posted it, but came across it again recently and realized it was perfect with Day 3′s theme, SO. Here it is. lol There’s some headcanons here Bro and I have toyed with too... like the Academy... which is located in Colorado Springs (where I lived for awhile XD)... which is just a little over an hour drive south of Denver. :Db There’s a lot more about this headcanon’d time I’d like to write one of these days. XDa ANYHOO... 

It hasn't been since Christmas that Virgil's spoken to his brother. It's not really surprising as they haven't really spoken a whole lot over the past few years. Once almost inseparable, it now feels a bit like there’s a chasm between them.

It seemed like life had conspired to draw them apart ever since Scott had been accepted into the Air Force Academy. The last years of high school weren't the same without Scott being there. His brother called him every day at first, but days became weeks and weeks stretched to months. He came to hear more about how his brother was doing secondhand. Scott was busy. Scott was top of his class. Scott wasn't coming home for the summer. He never heard these things from Scott.

Then Virgil went to the Denver School of Advanced Technology.

He saw Scott a few times then, but couldn’t forget the first visit when he'd first been settling in. It had been then that he'd realized that the something that had always existed between them felt like it was missing. Perhaps it was one of those things that became lost when childhood came to an end or maybe the time apart had something to do with it. He hadn’t been sure, but either way he mourned it’s absence. He buried himself in his studies, concentrating on graduating and his plans for the future.

Now here he is, in Dad's jet with Scott at the controls, flying them home. All of Virgil's belongings from Denver packed in the hold, because he’s moving back home. He's a mechanical engineer now and will soon be a member of International Rescue. He's excited to finally begin to learn to fly the ship he'd long ago told their dad he’d pilot one day, but that’s not what's on his mind as he sits in the cockpit.

He'd been surprised it was Scott waiting to take him home instead of their Dad. The reunion had been happy at first, but now an uncomfortable silence had dropped over the cockpit. Attempts at conversing just feel awkward. It’s all so wrong. It had never been like this before.

Here he is finally having to face what he couldn't years before. Soon they’re meant to be partners, going into dangerous situations together to rescue those in need. How can they pull that off? They feel so disconnected from each other. It barely even feels like they’re best friends anymore, at least to him. Virgil isn’t sure if Scott has felt it too. Could it be just him who feels this way? He can’t bring himself to broach the topic, deciding instead to hope it just needs time.

He just doesn’t know what to do or say the whole rest of the trip home. Things feel a little easier once they arrive, but their dad, unsurprisingly, seems to catch on pretty quickly that something isn't right. Virgil notices the way he watches them. They've been home only a few days before he suddenly has them pack up and sends them off to the family ranch for training — just the two of them.

Their first exercise set out for them has them not in the training rooms, but outside, scaling one of the large rock formations not far from the ranch. 'No talking,' is the one rule their dad has imposed. Once that wouldn’t have been a problem at all, but that's not the case now; he’s barely able to read his brother.

Virgil’s now absolutely certain their Dad knows as he pauses his ascent, trying to interpret the slightly worried look Scott’s throwing down at him. He can’t work out what Scott’s worried about.

They’re using new gear Brains sent with them to test. Virgil's been pretty impressed with the multifunction version of the grapple gun Scott's making use of several yards above him — at least he is until unexpectedly the pack releases from the tool, sending Scott falling backwards with an unusually startled cry.

Their panicked gazes meet for the briefest second and Virgil knows Scott needs him. Virgil doesn’t think, he just moves, reaching out and grabbing for his brother's wrist as he falls past. With no chance to brace at all, growing shoulder muscles are put to the test as they're wrenched from the sudden weight of his falling big brother.

Suspended by Virgil’s own grapple line, they simply breathe for a moment, trying to recover from the scare. It's Scott who breaks the rule of silence first.

"So... what do you say we pause this exercise?"

"Agreed," Virgil responds eagerly.

Finding Scott a purchase, he's able to climb down a short ways to a wide ledge and Virgil soon joins him, sitting down beside each other, both still shaken.

"I'll pull the grapple apart when we get back," Virgil offers, worried since it's not often something Brains creates has a flaw.

"Good plan," Scott agrees distractedly, blue eyes locking with his suddenly. "Virgil..."

Virgil raises a questioning eyebrow, but doesn’t get a chance to respond. A hand hooks around his neck and Scott closes the distance between them, forehead pressing against his.

The last time Scott did this — when his brother left for the academy so long ago — is what first comes to mind. Then all the feelings and words come like a rush. The flood of relief, gratitude, trust and love. 'You saved me,’ ‘You’re amazing,’ and 'Thank you.'

He hasn't felt their bond like this in so long; suddenly it feels stronger than ever. Overwhelmed in the best of ways, tears form in Virgil's eyes. 'Anytime,' he replies, echoing his brother's feelings with much the same.

Scott pulls away only long enough to briefly get a look at him before closing the gap once more, this time to draw him into a tight hug that Virgil returns just as tightly. Tucking his face into his brother's shoulder, he feels for a moment like a boy again, finding comfort and safety in his brother's arms.

"I've missed you, Scotty," he admits out loud, knowing Scott can feel just how much, just as he can now sense how much Scott has been missing him. It’s like the door that had closed between them has been thrown wide open. He hopes it never closes again.

"Me too, Virg."

They sit on the ledge a little longer before mutually agreeing their done and head back to the ranch. Sitting on the porch side by side after dinner to watch the stars appear in the darkening sky, Scott makes the executive decision that they're going to head home in the morning.

They're already halfway home when they finally contact their Dad to let him know they're on their way home. At first he doesn't seem very happy with them, but as they try to explain, there's a change in his expression as he watches them talk — he knows and Virgil can see he’s relieved. 

Taking over the controls for a while to give Scott a break, a silence falls between them, but this time it could not be more comfortable. While they still have a lot of catching up to do, every one of Virgil's doubts are gone. He has his best friend back and something feels complete in a way it hasn't in a long time. They aren't back at the island yet, but now he really feels like he's home.

[thinkinem]

seeing discussion of lgbtq+ representation in one chicago on the dash so I’m taking this as my opportunity to float my overindulgent head canon* that Matt Casey is one superbly repressed queer.

*this quickly got out of hand and is likely well into au territory, but if I have to think about-- it as incoherent as it is--then you do too!

The reason he botched his moment with Sylvie so hard was that when things slowed down and Sylvie asked her Gabby question, Matt got majorly overwhelmed by the reality that he was about to jump into another relationship with a woman that already has all these ideas about who he is as a man and as a boyfriend. 

Usually he can ignore the dull feeling of disconnect that always comes when he’s first intimate with a woman. But dammit, he really thought Sylvie could be The One. He really thought this time those feelings of affection and aesthetic appreciation that he could conjure when he pressed himself to meant something. He was so sure that he was going to feel that spark people write songs about with Sylvie. That it was going to redeem him for all the ways he couldn’t be enough for Gabby, for all the times he looked Hallie in the face and wasn’t truthful.

But that spark, swoop, tingle, whatever it’s supposed to be, it isn’t there. Sure, he’s got the motions down, a smooth execution of the classic moves, and he likes feeling strong and needed and scooping Sylvie up without hesitation does that for him. But it’s not the aha moment he was expecting. The moments they’d shared over the past two years, the little glimpses of a future with this woman in his arms turn stale just like they always do when he goes to seal the deal. 

When Sylvie pulls back, Matt’s heart stops. He’s sure this is it, that if anyone is going to finally see through him it’s going to be Sylvie Brett. And in a lot of ways he’s relieved. Sylvie is a safe space, a trusted confidante, he knows she won’t mock or laugh. But also the idea of putting words to the way he feels scares the life out of him, to say it out loud would make his Otherness too real. (Even when he and Kelly were in the middle of whatever it was they had, Matt could never fully admit to it out loud, not even just as a whisper in the dark to the man that had already seen all of him and stayed close anyway). 

But Sylvie doesn’t see through him. Or she thinks she does, but really she couldn’t be farther from the truth. So when she asks if he’d go with Gabby, it feels easiest to say he doesn’t know. 

But his “I don’t know” was less about going with Gabby as an individual, and more about the idea of committing himself to another/any woman again. The divorce gutted him. It forced up a lot of thoughts and feelings that he was relying on that relationship to keep a lid on. But also, it felt a lot like checking off a task from a to do list: he did his due diligence as a man to have a wife and attempt a classic version of a family just like he was always expected to do (and in a lot of ways it felt like a big fuck you to his father and every one of his sneering insults).

The thing is, Matt knows in his bones that he wants someone like Sylvie Brett by his side for the rest of his life; she’s amazing, loyal, funny, understanding, everything he’d want in a partner. But in that moment Matt decides he cannot go down this road again. Sylvie is all those wonderful things and more, and she deserves a guy who wants all of her, not just the idea of her. 

For a moment he thinks it’s going to work out. He gets out the cliched “it’s complicated” and is almost ready to do it, ready to own who he is right there. But the words get a little stuck and then Sylvie is filling in the blanks with all the wrong colors (and, Jesus, isn’t that familiar). Then the next thing he knows, he’s breaking Sylvie Brett’s heart exactly the way he vowed to never do. The moment is quick and messy and feels terrifyingly unsalvageable, but it’s happening, then it happened, and there’s nothing he can do about it. (He sleeps with Sydney because that’s what he does when a relationship ends: he sleeps with a stranger, always female, and does everything opposite what he did in the relationship, just to double test the theory that it really is something in him and not just around him. Sydney: sexy and funny and charming; The Theory: confirmed)

And suddenly Matt is exhausted. He’s got decades of built up secret and accumulated grief on his shoulders and he can’t move with it all weighing him down. So he just sort of stops fighting it. He puts up the token efforts with Sylvie, tells her he doesn’t regret it, that she’s still very important to him, then lets her walk away when she informs him that it can never happen again, that he is a man still in love with his ex wife. On net, she’s actually kinda half right, and he lets himself have a quiet, sardonic chuckle at that.

Matt’s got the job, his rank, his men, the city. They’re more than enough to live for, to love, to give his all. They’ve got expectations of him too, and they’re ones he can meet with an ease that doesn’t exist anywhere else in his life.

Five weeks after Matt decides he’s really only meant to be Captain Casey, he wakes up on Christie’s couch with the mother of all hangovers. He gets a solid five minutes of laying awake, nauseous and self-loathing before his older sister comes in with a steaming cup of coffee and smile more gentle than he’s ever seen her wear. She digs her hand into his shoulder and tells him about coming home from her freshman year of college for Thanksgiving. 

She tells him about letting herself be dragged back to the high school stadium by friends she hadn’t quite lost touch with yet for the annual cross-town rival Turkey Bowl football game. She tells him about not watching a single moment of the game, about missing the moment when Star Quarterback John Murphy’s collar bone snapped. She tells him about becoming the most committed high school football fan in the five minutes after the ATs got John Murphy off the field, and the coach decided that what the hell, they’d finish the game anyway, that scrawny freshman Matt Casey would finally get some playing time after a whole season of sitting the bench. She tells him about flying off her seat, about going hoarse the next day from telling everyone in the stadium “that was my brother, Matt Casey, the kid who made the final point, that’s my brother.”

Matt, sitting up now, gives Christie a soft smile and mumbles that it was fluke really, that he didn’t see a second of playing time again until his junior year, that he was always more of a hockey guy. Christie reaches across him again digging her nails into his shoulders, says with the mean kind of love only older sisters are capable of, “Matthew Michael, you are not a fluke.”

A week after Matt pulls himself off Christie’s couch Sylvie tells him she is done needing space, that she misses her friend. He’s grateful for that and does his best to not be annoyed when she starts looking surprised that he isn’t ‘fighting’ for her or doing whatever charming manly bullshit he would’ve done even just a few months ago. But Matt is done fighting for things he doesn’t really want, is done fighting himself at every turn and is ready to start fighting for himself. He isn’t a fluke and one of these days he’s going to prove it. 

In fact, he proves it when he goes to dinner at Stella and Kelly’s new place on a warm fall night just under a year since he was standing in the hallway of Sylvie’s apartment exhausted of himself. It’s him, Stella and Kelly of course, Sylvie but not her boyfriend, and Sam Kidd, Stella’s older brother who just moved to Chicago and is “desperate enough for friends that I’m hanging around my baby sister, I know it’s--ow, Steve, don’t hit me!”

Sam Kidd is funny and charming and tells terrific stories about a precocious preteen Stella. And after dinner when he and Matt end up alone in the kitchen having volunteered for clean up duty, Sam puts a firm hand on Matt’s shoulder and says he appreciates how Matt has looked out for his baby sister these past years, that he was skeptical of the stories Stella told him about her Captain right up until he shook Matt’s hand earlier that night. Sam readily agrees when Matt insists that Stella has never needed any looking after but his hand lingers in an appreciative squeeze on his shoulder anyway. 

They walk down the block toward their cars together after seeing Sylvie safely to her Uber. When they get to Sam’s sleek black sports car (he’s in marketing and apparently very good at it), Matt is less surprised than he thought he would be when Sam crowds him against the passenger side door and sweetly asks “would it be alright if I kissed you?” (Matt says yes, to the kiss and a date, as well as a second date and third one too).

They don’t make a big announcement or anything, but they also don’t hide it. When Stella and Kelly get married in the Spring, Sam pulls Matt out onto the dance floor and holds him close right in front of everyone. For the first time in his life, Matt doesn’t mind the attention a single bit because he’s finally where he fits.

When Matt is all danced out, and Sam is cutting in to dance with his sister, Matt finds himself in the little anteroom straightening out gift bags and taking a moment to feel quietly pleased with himself. Sylvie comes in then, eyes shining to compliment the new ring on her left hand. For a moment Matt worries she’s upset with him, but then her face breaks into a soft grin and he barely catches her “oh, Matt” before he’s catching her. When they pull away from each other Matt gives her a grin of his own, one that he hopes says I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry it all got so messy but I can’t be sorry for who I am. Sylvie must understand him because she’s still grinning as she says, “you’re happy.” It’s not a question, but Matt nods anyway because finally, after years and years, it’s fully and all the way true. He’s happy.

[icharchivist]

Sorry if this is a bit random but I'm bored and curious.

How much, out of 10, are you of each spring troupe member?

Like, based on personality, beliefs, uh how you approach things?

I'm not doing a very good job phrasing this... but I hope I made at least some sense. 😅

Feel free to ignore if you want.

ahah don't apologize!! that seems like a pretty fun ask to reply to!

and that's interesting. I adore Spring but i don't know how much i relate to all of them in general, but let's try to untangle some of it.

Just for the notes, i'd go:

Sakuya: 6/10, Masumi: 2/10, Tsuzuru 3/10, Itaru: 8/10, Citron 7/10, Chikage: 5/10

under cut because of general opinions as of why and i try to keep it vague but it may already be more infos about me than you wish to know since i, do tend to look on the more serious sides of things, so, proceed with caution.

Else if we stop there, take care :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Sakuya: 6/10, probably. I think i'm rather cheerful like he can be but i also tend to neglect myself or my opinion or history and stuff so i kinda see that in his attitudes sometimes. I also really feel him on his insecurities and how those are impacted by his relationship with his family, or how much he tries to cheer up others. Mostly point deduced because he's extremely driven and motivated and he doesn't let his issues hold him down and man i wish i had this passion.

Masumi: 2/10 i guess. I don't really relate to anything with him, except maybe that he's a loner at school (though the reasons why is not something i relate about) or the fact he feels a complete disconnect from his parents. I also completely feel him on having difficulties to trust because of what his parents pulled on him when he was a kid, with the lawsuits and all. Man lawsuits leave trauma on kids who knew. I still keep the number low because those are rarely put in focus and i don't relate to the rest of Masumi much at all.

Tsuzuru: 3/10. The stuff i relate to with him is how he tends to step out to take responsibilities for others and the fact he feels like he neglected his whole life and passion by taking those responsibilities. I used to write, since i was a kid up until a few years ago when i ended up stopping because of that, so sometimes thinking about how Tsuzuru relates to that makes me sad. But between how he overcame that, or family driven he can be or no-nonsense type i don't really relate to that and he's too creative for me to relate to him.

Itaru: 8/10. Gamer boy goes brr. I think Itaru is just pretty relatable in general. The school years convincing you to not let people see who you are, the difficulties to trust people, generally having a sympathetic front ready to talk to people you don't really want to be sympathetic to, and else all of the way he relates to his passion and can just, lock himself all night playing a game and spend ways too much time ranking on gacha events. Legit sometimes when he talks i end up finding like, stuff i had said to some of my competitive gacha friends so it makes me laugh. I also almost always have my phone opened on a gacha. His way to love Kniroun is similar to how i love Final fantasy so that cracks me up (esp adding to the fact i had an Arthurian myth hyperfixation as a teen). Similarly: how he feels about merch. He's really relatable on those regards. Also i'm a terrible adult role model "au naturel" but i also constantly ends up in situation where i have to take responsibilities and not be too horrible of a role model. He also tends to see through people a little more easily than not and i can relate to that. I also sucks at physical activities. Point deduced because of his gremlin persona and how hardcore he can be about it.

Citron: 7/10 I relate a bit to how he always intends to light up the mood when he can. He also tends to use that to connect with others while also keeping distances with the things that bothers him, which is mostly the heavy stuff he carries about himself. He is forced in a situation where he has an estranged relationship with his family and a tons of responsibilities because of that and cannot do much to fix it, and the cold head he's supposed to take to deal with it is pretty chilling and relatable. I think also the way he tries to deal with things on his own and refuses to ask for help is also. yeah. He also tends to be pretty observant which helps as well. And he is also a gamer so mood. Wishful thinking but i also hope i can cheer on people as well as he does. Point deduced mostly because he's ways much more cheerful and chaotic than i am and much funnier.

Chikage: 5/10 I know tricky with how much i love him, i don't relate to him that much. But i do relate to the way he buries his feelings and pretends they're not there for exemple, or how he tries to shoulder everything on his own and not let people in or see what he needs. I relate to having a difficult relationship with your siblings although out of the gekkaboys he's not the one i relate to in term of the specifics. Oh right if what he says is true about why he resents his mother and his past (step) dad(s): huge huge relatable here. I also can't say that the fact he is uncomfortable around people who reminds him of his trauma is unrelatable. But mostly i can't relate to how cunning he can be and i struggle to tell a convincing lie on anything else even if my life depended on it. He also has like. so much more issues, Chikage please take care of yourself.

... so yeah reasons to relate to spring i guess: family issues, responsibilities and burying your feelings. I'm sure that's healthy.

and as a person i'm really centered around survival and reflection from the past so this doesn't help the prysm which which i approach those characters dlkfjDFKFDL

anyway take care o7

[gayenerd]

The Band You Love To Hate By Tom Lanham of RIP  (There’s no date on this but I would say 1995 or 1996?)

Eyes wide as a barn owl's. Spines stiff with anticipation, like a hungry scorpion. The two teenage girls sit stock-still in their booth at a posh Berkeley diner, practically bursting with excitement, but without the faintest clue how to handles it. Clueless, you might call them. A few feet across the linoleum aisle--with his back to them, oblivious to all the oh-my-gawd facial expressions--sits the object of their adulation, dressed in unassuming black jeans, black T-shirt, shredded black Converse, and a beat-up black baseball jacket. But even with his once-green dreadlocks tamed to a short black business cut, Billie Joe Armstrong--yes, the snaggle-toothed MTV ragamuffin from megaplatinum neo-punkers, Green Day--is as easy to spot as Michael Bolton at a Rogaine convention. Although the kids want to leap up from their seats and race over for an autograph or a jittery hello, they don't dare. Instead, they're forced to deal with their seething emotions as if they were eating post-tonsillectomy ice cream: a lot of numb gulping and a quick pain chaser. This is the blessing of being Billie Joe Armstrong. Alas, it's also his curse. By the time you read this, the irascible little rocker will have turned 24. And exactly two years ago, he and his wacky bandmates--drummer Tré Cool and bassist Mike Dirnt--lolled around the trashy basement flat they shared, getting stoned and sneering at the idea that Dookie--their just-released "sellout" on big-time Reprise--would ever amount to more than a nice drink coaster. Fame? They were more preoccupied with their bong collection, stacks of rock 'n' roll bubblegum cards, and a thriving sea monkey tank displayed prominently on a window-sill. Most of their furniture had springs poking through--they didn't care. Armstrong regularly picked boogers from his gold-ringed nostril and then flick them onto the scary shag carpet--what did he have to worry about? Too bad he couldn't have foreseen the all-too-near future. Green Day happened to be in the right place at the right time. The three-chord slam-a-rama Dookie--a pop-edged return to decade-old punk ethics--became the surprise hit of '94, going on to sell over 11 million copies. Armstrong, accustomed to frenetic club performances, began translating the group's infectious energy to larger and larger venues. Demand continued to grow at a staggering pace; Green Day fought back. They turned a satellite MTV Video Awards performance into a "spit-cam" fest by urging the crowd to gob any camera lens it could ("[The cameramen] tried to make it look like it was cool, but it wasn't"). Last October, Armstrong and company issued their 32-minute follow up, Insomniac, almost as an afterthought, with little promotion, a visually offensive video (for "Geek Stink Breath") and--at least initially--a strict no-interview policy. Simultaneously, they ditched their high-powered Cahn-Man management team and are now virtually managing themselves. Along the way, Armstrong married his long-time sweetheart Adrienne and last March fathered a son, Joey. In typical down-to-earth fashion, the couple spent their honeymoon a few blocks from home at Berkeley's prestigious Claremont Hotel, not on some exotic island. Beginning to see the problem here? How does a street-smart kid from humble beginnings skyrocket to world-class notoriety and yet--with his music in millions of homes and his privacy suddenly a right that needs defending--still adhere to the simple ideals, the simple lifestyle that spawned him? Is "successful punk" an oxymoron? Insomniac provided few clues--it was more of the same slacker-ennui sentiment, more defeated, disenfranchised grousing set to speedy, memorable hooks. Or, as Armstrong barks in the aptly-dubbed "Walking Contradiction," "My wallet's fat and so is my head...I'm a victim of a Catch-22." And that, in essence, was the topic this tortured artist wanted to discuss at the diner. The old "be careful what you wish for" adage. The classic "problem with success is finding someone to enjoy it with you" truism. Armstrong, who takes occasional sips from a vanilla milkshake, but mostly stares morosely at the floor, seems to be dealing with superstardom in a relatively normal way. Don't be fooled by the steady stream of negative vitriol that follows; he's analyzing it, breaking it down, figuring out ways to disconnect his kinetic career. Or at least turn down the volume for awhile. 

RIP: We know what's going right. But what's going wrong? 

BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG: Lots of things, really. Actually, when I came here today, I said I didn't wanna talk about anything good, because I don't really have anything good to talk about. Goin' on tour pretty soon--don't really wanna go. Just because I've been kinda torn. I wanna stick around at home. I don't like playing arenas, and I realized I didn't know what I was getting myself into on the last tour, but I went into it being positive and getting excited about it. But I didn't realize that I was the kind of person to whom it's too much of an event and not really a personal thing anymore. And I started to realize how much I liked being the background music to this scene at the club. And now it's.... I dunno. People expect so much. It's cool and stuff, and it can be a lot of fun, a really good experience. But when you play that many arenas.... The first time we ever played those big kinds of shows at the Shoreline (Amphitheater in Mountain View, California), there was weirdness--we were playing for a lot of f?!kin' people. And I hate to say it, but sometimes it just feels like another gig. We played every day, 50 gigs this last leg, and it just wears on ya. There's all these people, and they think "Alright. I paid my $15--you better impress the f?!kin' shit outta me right now!" And I realized that for Joey, the rock and roll touring life is not a good atmosphere for a kid. I tried to make it to where it would be, bringing lots of his toys out. But there are no familiar surroundings for him. And he likes all the attention--people come up and say hello to him every day, people who are on tour with us. But he doesn't have his own room or a home to go to every day. So, no more touring for Joey. 

RIP: Turned on Regis and Kathie Lee this morning to find their gossip columnist dishing dirt on Green Day. How Insomniac didn't do nearly as well as predicted, how it was a disappointment to the label. A failure, supposedly. 

BJA: Well, it's like, we didn't set up this record. We didn't. We didn't do any promotion beforehand, we completely quit doing interviews, and basically we just wanted to go on into it. We weren't even sure if we wanted to do a video. And then when we did a video, it got yanked from daytime rotation because people were getting grossed-out by it. So I think we did alienate a lot of people. So that was expected, that it wasn't going to sell a lot of records. 

RIP: NOFX have taken it one step further. They refuse to talk to press, make videos, pander potential singles to radio. They don't want to get any bigger. 

BJA: I dunno, maybe I'm just getting jaded or something. But I just got cable again and I can't stand anything. Six years ago you could hear something that was different and know that it was different. So it'd be "alternative" or whatever. But now it's like you get this Joan...Osborne? With the ring in her nose, waving the alternative rock flag, when she's just...not, ya know? And I'm thinking, I hate all this music that's coming out now--the past year was just hell for music. But people are buying it, so then I'm thinking, Maybe they're the ones that are good and I'm the one who sucks? I just don't know if I really wanna be involved in the rock world anymore at all. Period. I don't necessarily have anything against a big record company or people who what to join up with a big record company. It really is right for some people, but more and more, I don't think that I'm really meant to. And I hate to sound like that, because I don't like taking things for granted. I don't like to talk about my problems when there's some kid struggling in his garage somewhere saying "F?!k him! He's just taking it for granted. Shit, I wish I could do something like that, but I'm just stuck here in Biloxi, Mississippi, and I can't even get a gig." I'm so confused right now. 

RIP: It must be odd to know that, with all those millions of albums sold, drunken frat boys are probably staggering around to your music right now. Your audience grew far beyond your control. 

BJA: Oh, totally! We became what we hated. Which is, the people I despised in high school--and now--are buying our records. We initially became a trend, so there was no way I expected to sell as many records with Insomniac as with Dookie. That's one of the biggest-selling records of the decade. We get slagged by the punk rockers, and it's like, I don't blame them. If you draw that much attention to yourself, that's what you're gonna get--attention--and it's not personal anymore. 

RIP: Ever think about giving it all up? 

BJA: There isn't a day goes by in the past year and a half that I haven't thought about quitting. I went to this party on New Year's Eve, and this band Juke, and another band, the Tantrums, played in a friend of mine's backyard. And a lot of my old friends showed up, and everybody was just dancing. And I was dancing, and getting really muddy, and I was having a great time. I can't remember the last time I sat down and listened to a record from beginning to end and felt this incredible spine-chilling music. And it's because I haven't been able to go out and watch bands play at my free will. I'm not gonna live in a closet, I'm not gonna vegetate myself. 

RIP: But it has to be difficult, when tons of kids know your face. You're on your way to Michael Jackson-dom, where you have to wear a disguise in public. 

BJA: If you think about the Beatles, at that time all people had to go by were the photographs on the records and every now and then a television appearance. So when they'd come to town, people would just flip out--it became this huge public event every single time. Whereas now, everything is so saturated kids don't even have to leave their home to go to a show anymore. They can sit in the comfort of their living room, and your favorite rock star is gonna be entertaining you while you sit down and have your microwave burrito. 

RIP: The Milwaukee cops weren't pleased with aspects of Green Day's Milwaukee show last November. Why were you arrested? 

BJA: I dropped the pick and--actually, I even forgot about it--I just mooned the crowd, which is pretty harmless compared to what I've done before. And I wasn't even thinking about it--I just went out and started playing again. Then I went backstage and was hanging out with Adrienne, and this guy Jimmy who does security for us goes "Come on--there's a car waiting for you outside right now. You've gotta get out of here!" I said "What's wrong?" and he said he didn't even know. So we get in the car and all of a sudden about ten cops come walking over, fully surrounding the car. So the guy puts the cuffs on me, throws me in the car, and I get tossed in the holding tank for two, three hours. I wasn't in the bullpen--I was in with the other ones, the not-so-bad ones. They made me take all my jewelry out. And my shoestrings, so I wouldn't hang myself or something. I dunno. I just don't know how to fit into rock music anymore. I don't know what I like about it anymore. I don't like anything about it anymore, to tell you the truth. To tell you the real truth, I'm a pretty miserable person right now. I'm totally depressed, and my wife can vouch for that because she's around me. In fact, she's the only person who's really around me. I dunno, the whole thing with the mainstreaming of punk rock. I just feel lost in the whole thing...I don't really know...I don't wanna...I dunno...It's miserable, it really is. It's f?!ked up. 

RIP: For every original voice that comes along, there will be countless mad signing dashes for any and all sound-alike artists, with no thought given to the artist's longevity. Just throw the record out quickly and hope it sticks. 

BJA: The thing is, a lot of musicians have gotten so comfortable with this big so-called "Revolution in Rock Music" over the past decade. First it was like, "F?!k the corporations! F?!k the corporations!" And then people just sorta got cozy with that, and forgot that these bands are getting lost in the shuffle. And I'm talking about the ones that never get noticed at all and just get kinda bitter. The 15 minutes of fame is getting shorter and shorter. And now music is totally going backwards--the first half of this decade, there were a few things going on that were interesting. It wasn't my favorite kind of music, but it had a sensibility about it. If you think about Nirvana and Pearl Jam and that whole Seattle scene, and even the Offspring--there was this thing going on that was more honest, in a lot of ways. It wasn't like, beer, drugs and pussy, like what went on through the '80s with all the hair bands. But now what we've got is Hootie & the Blowfish.... 

RIP: Who are probably a lot like you. They seem like nice, regular guys who--through no real fault of their own--are suddenly assimilated into pop culture. 

BJA: Yeah, but that's the problem, is that they are nice regular guys. And they're totally comfortable with that, and they sort of put that out, to where they don't really have...I dunno, there's a certain amount of attitude that, say, someone like Cobain or Vedder has that they don't have. But it's becoming way not...real anymore or something. Maybe not real to me. It's just turning back into what it was in the '80s. It's like, "Hey, everyone! We're Huey Lewis and the News!" I dunno. Maybe nobody knows what the f?!k I'm talking about anymore. 

BJA: I get so irritated by people. I think I'm more bitter than I've ever been in my whole life, to tell you the honest truth. I think Insomniac is much more of a bitter record than Dookie. And I think the older people get, the more they kinda get angry. I think a lot of people feel like they get cheated by lief somehow--no-one is ever completely satisfied. There's maybe a few. But I mean, I'm in a place where I don't really wanna be. It's like, sometimes I feel like we're losing our passion for playing music. And that's the f?!ked-up thing, when you lose passion for what you love, then it's like, Is this marriage headed for divorce or what? 

RIP: Theoretically, you can fight back a couple of ways. Like Cobain, you could make a record almost calculated to offend all the bandwagon-jumpers. Or take as much time off as you'd like. Who says you can't go live on a desert island for two years? 

BJA: That'd be nice. I'm just not enjoying life right now. I'm really not. I'm so cluttered, I can't even speak. Yeah, I do feel like I'm getting old, and I'm kinda bitter about that. I'm not excited about being onstage anymore, and I was really trying to convince myself that I was. Really. Before we did this last U.S. tour, every time I did an interview--I don't know if you read the last Rolling Stone piece--I was like "Yeah! I'm excited! I wanna play these arenas!" and stuff. And then just every night, it started sucking, it felt like a routine or something. It felt almost choreographed in a lot of ways. And I was yelling "f?!k you!" to people, but I didn't know who I was yelling "f?!k you" to anymore. 

RIP: Last time we spoke, you said you went out of your way to change every single show, make each one different. 

BJA: Well, I think it's just the stress of getting up in front of all those people all the time, every day. It's like, "Do I really feel like downing another f?!cking pot of coffee and a bottle of wine before I walk onstage to do this again? Just to get myself ready to go?" You know, for all those people. And every night I always do something different and stupid. But at the same time, it'd be really cool to just say "F?!k you!" to people and like, walk off. And then they'd get it. It's like, "I'm really telling you to f?!k off this time! Time to pack up and go home." It'd just be so nice to start from scratch again. 

RIP: In many ways you can. That's the music-making system trying to program your behavior. And obviously you've broken quite a few rules already--you don't even have to be talking to me right now, actually.... 

BJA: Oh no. I really wanted to do this interview, just because the last interviews that I've done, I've been miserable, and I was pretending not to be. I really was, I was lying. Not to the reader, not to the person I was doing the interview. But I was lying to myself, convincing myself that I was really happy with how everything is going. 

RIP: So you always knew what you wanted, and now you've got it, in spades. You're having trouble figuring out what's next? 

BJA: I didn't even know what I wanted back then. I really didn't. I didn't know if I wanted to be huge, totally successful. I never knew that. I was struggling so hard even to sign that f?!king contract--when I was sitting there, I was contemplating, "Should I just run outta here right now? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?" A lot of people say, "You're totally disillusioned with what money can do for people," but money never meant shit to me. There's something very passionate to me, very romantic, about living on the street in a lot of ways. Just because I really like my lifestyle back then. I was totally content, in retrospect. A lot of it has to do with the fame. I dunno, I'm trying to talk right now and just totally stuttering. 

RIP: It's not like you chose music--it chose you, and you can't help it. 

BJA: Yeah, it's cool when people really get it. But what a lot of people don't understand is that we're a band that's been around a lot longer than people know. And that's the thing. The difference between this and what happened between Kerplunk and Dookie--in a year, I got married, I had a kid, and I sold 11 million records worldwide. That can do something to ya, ya know? 

BJA: Sometimes I think it'd be cool to just hang out with my friends, drink beer, smoke cigarettes. The more I think about it, the more I'd be really happy with that. I don't think that we're feeling quite like a band anymore--that's one problem we have. There was this certain rock 'n' roll underdog think that we always had--we always drove for something, always drove from town to town in a small van. And you know, I f?!kin' like touring like that--it's like culture shock, really, driving around in a van, setting up my amp when I get there, and playing. That's rock 'n' roll, that's what it started out as. A bunch of sweaty pigs in some tiny f?!kin' bar having a hootenanny, that's what punk rock was to me, that's what drove me to it. I love rock music in its simples, rawest form. And I think we're the only band, really, that plays rock 'n' roll. 

RIP: Has all this put a strain on your old friendships? Do your pals treat you a little differently now? 

BJA: When I come up to friends I haven't talked to in a while, there's a weirdness. And the ones who are really close to me don't really bring up anything, but that thing is still there; it's still in the air. And sometimes I'll just not say anything the whole time we're hanging out. I'll be totally quiet, because the only thing I'll have to talk about is my band, and I get so sick of talking about my band and myself. So I'll just be quiet, since that's the only thing there is to me, except for my son and my wife. 

RIP: Pretty soon, you'll be boring everyone with slide shows--"There we are at Yosemite!" 

BJA: Ha! Adrienne was telling me the other day, "When you were in there dancing with all your friends, while the band was playing, you were so happy because you were so in your element." And I've even gone as far as saying we're not a punk band anymore. But no matter what, that's still gonna stick with me forever, because I love the music, I love the energy of a new band coming out that creates this sense of urgency about 'em. I'll never be able to kick that habit. I love hangin' out with my friends who have small fanzines--kids just writing their guts out about whatever the hell's bothering 'em, and putting it on a Xerox machine and then handing it out for a quarter apiece at shows or at a party. All I wanna do is just try and work it out. I was sitting there the other day, counting all the records that the Replacements put out, stuff like that, Dan thinking how [Paul] Westerberg totally came across to his audience and did everything, everything that the wanted to do in music. He wasn't extremely successful for it, but the guy has influenced people, and a lot of 'em don't even know that they are influenced by him. All I wanna do is just write good songs and stick to it. I wanna develop--not being experimental--but go into different styles, go across my boundaries of the two-and-a-half minute punk song with a three-and-a-half minute jazz song, or maybe get into a little bit of swing or rockabilly. 

RIP: With such staggering success, you could walk into Reprise and tell 'em you're doing an album of saxophone solos and they'd allow you that creative luxury. 

BJA: Well, I never wanna be that experimental. I don't wanna get into synthesizers and shit like that. The thing that was cool for me with Insomniac was that I think we definitely set a foundation for ourselves, because we put out our hardest record to date, totally in-your-face all the way through, and now we're able to go anywhere we want. We can do that now--we do have that going for us. That is, if people are still interested. Which is kinda weird for me to say.... 

RIP: Your craft will always remain the most important thing of all, even if you're just writing for your own amusement. 

BJA: Yeah. No matter what, I'm gonna be writing songs for the rest of my life. I mean, I already have a shitload of new songs right now. But I just wanna do some other things with it. We've sold a million of Insomniac so far. But I definitely want to be respected as a musician. Well, more as a songwriter than as a musician. I wanna be f?!kin' normal, is what I wanna be. The thing is, I've seen so many freaks and so many weirdos and crazy punk rockers and drunks and junkies. But for a lot of those people being weird is easy. It's so easy to be strange--the hard thing is to try to be normal. There's no such thing as normal, ya know. 

RIP: How's your mom feel about all this? 

BJA: She's kinda worried about me. She doesn't know what to think of everything. We have a hard time communicating with each other, just because I don't like to talk about it that much. So she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me all the time. 

RIP: You buy her anything cool once the money started rolling in? 

BJA: Nah--she doesn't want anything. I've asked her. She's been living in the same house for over 20 years, and she's content living there. But I did give her a trip--she went to Hawaii, her and her boyfriend. And I think travelling is really good--if you paid for someone to travel, so they can go and explore and see some things they've never seen before. But I think that's probably where I get it from. I get so content with not having much. And then you get all this stuff, all this attention, and you don't really know what to do with it. You don't know how to channel it. 

RIP: Most outrageous thing you've bought for yourself? 

BJA: I got my car primered! And one thing I did do was build a home studio. So I've been recording all my friends' bands for free. I produced this band called Dead and Gone, and Social Unrest, Fetish and the Criminals. And I have this side-project called Pinhead Gunpowder--nothing's up with it right now, but we played at the beginning of '94 a few times. RIP: Sounds like you've got more than enough pressure valves to let off the steam. Still, do you worry about death? 

BJA: Yeah, I do. But I have too many reasons to stick around. One is my son and my wife. And I don't feel like I'm finished yet. I'm not done, ya know? And the beauty of it is that death is forever and your problems aren't. And that's why I'm talking about my bad shit, because you vent that, you get it off your chest and you can move on to something else. There's gotta be a positive side to all this--so you just sort of try and dig it out. Get rid of all the bad--out with the bad air, in with the good air. 

RIP: You said about Green Day that you think your "bandwagon is coming to a close and all that's gonna be left is just a band. Hopefully." So then will you start writing happy songs? 

BJA: I thought about writing a totally sarcastic song called "I'm So Goddamn Happy," just talking about how happy I am. Actually, I'd like to put out a double record--I'd like to put out tons of music. But I never wanna become an egomaniac. I just wanna keep things down to earth, so I think it's really important for us to take a long break after all this stuff. We just put out two records back to back, one year after another, and now we can sit back and work on ourselves as people again. So we don't parody ourselves. And it's so hard to be a father and a musician at the same time. If I get into one thing and I pay close attention to it, like if I'm with Joey and I start neglecting my music, then I feel like I should play more often. So I start playing my music, and then I'm going, "Am I neglecting Joey?" So it becomes hard to do everything at the same time. 

BJA: I wanna create a very mellow and sound atmosphere for him, because I don't wanna make any mistakes for him--I want him to be able to make his own mistakes. And even when it comes to swearing--I don't cuss in front of my kid. I'd rather him get it from some dirty-mouthed kid at school. Then at least I'd know, I could go "Thank God--my kid is in a real world and he's learning these things from his surroundings." That'd be a good thing. Because the best things you ever learn are the things you learn in kindergarten. 

Finally, after more than an hour worth of gut-spilling, Armstrong suddenly observes four brace-faced girls, each no more than 12 years old, idling over by the cash register. They're there on the pretext of getting change. In reality, they just want to ogle punk icon and pin-up darling Billie Joe, stare at those caterpillar eyebrows and chiselled cheekbones up close. Another oh-my-gawd event. "I gotta go--it's gettin' weird," the reluctant rocker whispers, literally leaping up from the booth. "I can feel eyeballs all over me already...." And as fast as that, he's gone. "Was that...was that...B-B-B-B-Billie Joe?" stammers one swooner. "No," says the waitress, with a subtle smile. "That was just some guy who usually eats here alone, nobody famous at all. You know, just an average guy." A little white lie to herd the young 'uns out. But nevertheless the truth.

[heroes-writing]

Can I have a headcanon/scenario (whichever you prefer)of Iaian proposing to his female SO please. Thank you!

Ahhh!~~ Iaian!! I loved this prompt so much!!

Please enjoy! It was fun to write! <3

Holly

Word Count: 1678

The Cherry Blossom branches were heavy from fresh flower blooms. 

 Iaian’s pocket was heavy from a boxed diamond ring.

 Every time the breeze blew, the long limbs nodded along the dirt path. 

 Every time (Name) looked at him and smiled, he’d rub a thumb over the box. 

With each motion, the path was filled with falling petals and the scent of pollen. (Name) sent him a curious expression with a tilted head, but shrugged when he gave her a shy smile.

It was early in the morning, and the only sources of sound were the winds of spring and the chirping of birds.

It was the perfect location and all Iaian had to do was find the right time. 

On either side of the swordsman, the beautiful but fleeting Sakura blossoms were in full bloom. Then a few steps ahead, the love of his life was chatting idly away, talking to him about everything she could think of. He hung onto every word she said: about how it was a shame the blossoms didn’t last long, about how happy she was to spend the day with him and finally about what they would get for breakfast.

Perhaps because there was no one else around but him, (Name) played with the blossoms as they fell, her dress flared out and she laughed when she caught one. The stray cherry blossoms floating in the wind circled around her as she spun to show him, and Iaian couldn’t help but stare in awe. 

As always she caught him red-handed gawking at her. Just like he had when he first saw her, and she quickly closed the distance pull at his wrist. 

With so much on his mind, the action brought him back to his old self. The shier one in the relationship, the one that blushed at any sign of her interest. The sight only seemed to make (Name) sigh in happiness.

“Come on, I want to see what’s next!” She tugged him and laughed when he held his ground. Iaian couldn’t help but smirk and gave a slow pull of his arm, reeling her back in. Suddenly she was walking back towards him and she giggled and half-heartedly struggled against his grip. 

“Oh no nono! Iai! I know what that look says—” 

With one last tug (Name) fell into him, all warm and softer than anything. He had forgone his chest plate and her body was so welcome as he pulled her into a squirming hug. Their breaths intermingled, her own a mix of mint and tea, and her face close enough to kiss. 

“So unfair.” She protested with a thick voice, filled with affection. She was the one to kiss him first, however, despite how quick Iaian claimed to be. She slipped both of her hands over his ears, muffling out the sounds of the world and pulling him down to her height. Iaian’s face was peppered with kisses both big and small, fleeting and pressing. His stomach clenched at the heady rush of adoration that ran through him.

When she disconnected with a wet sound, (Name) looked up at him with a startled expression. 

“What is it?” 

“Oops…?” 

“Oops?!”

And she began rubbing at his face with both hands. 

“Did you —” He began incredulously, before being silenced with a peck on the lips. 

“...Guess I have too much lipstick on...” 

He jolted, “Really?”

“Don’t worry it’s wiping off! Hehe sorry!” 

Iaian couldn’t help but roll his eyes and laugh. He found he really didn’t mind. Her focused attention always made him feel strange. Her (color) eyes glittered as if she was staring at something precious, but it was only him. That was the only part of her he felt he might never completely understand...

 “I think I got it all. Don’t worry about it.” She promised in that playful way of hers. 

With a delayed smirk, Iaian rubbed at his lips with his sleeve for good measure. 

“It’s not like we’re meeting up with Master later or anything.” His light blue eyes narrowed.  

“Oh you know he thinks I’m a good match for you, what's a little proof of that gonna hurt?” Her voice was smug, but Iaian couldn’t tell her just how right she was. Receiving his master’s blessing on his intentions to marry had been an honor. She didn’t know how much she was liked by him, and by everyone, he thought that mattered...

With a pause he tried to keep his face playful, “Still, being covered in lipstick stains will get me months worth of goading from Bushi and Kama.” He cleared his throat as her inquisitive stare seemed to narrow its focus.

 “...Hey, are you okay today? You’ve been kinda…” (Name) looked at him with raised brows, and didn’t finish her sentence. 

 “Well I —” Did he want to say it now?  

He looked around him for a moment as if lost, the scenery was quite beautiful here, but maybe there was someplace better? 

“Are you actually tired? Even after getting me up so early?” 

His lips twisted into a begrudging smile at that. “No, I don’t think so. I’m just feeling...sentimental.” That was honest enough and seemed to bring a blush to her cheeks.

...In contrast to the petals that arrived two weeks ago and would leave just as quickly, (Name) had been in his life for three years. They had met in the Spring, had kissed by the Summer… Iaian hoped that today she would agree to be his forever.

“Well, when do you think we’re going to see the canal? We’ve been walking for a while.” (Name) muttered as she stepped out of the way of a low hanging branch. 

After meeting yet another limb of a great Cherry Blossom tree Iaian stepped in front of his love and lifted up the blushing pink branch. As usual, (Name)’s smile widened as she hurried to duck beneath it. 

“Thank you, Iaian~” One of her hands couldn’t seem to resist skimming over the black material of his sweater. In comparison, her dress just so happened to be a lovely white. A few petals of pink fell in the wind, and his love looked like something out of a dream…

And the weight of the red velvet box in his pocket seemed to be getting heavier.

“Oh Iaian…” She said as if she didn’t know what to do with him. 

He was staring at her again, but with a bashful smile, he offered her his arm for her to take. She slipped beside him, her body warm to the touch, and her favorite perfume sweet in his nose.  

“My apologies,” he whispered near her ear, “I want to stare at you forever.” 

He was looking at her as he said it, loving how it made her whole being seemed to light up at his words. 

“I’ll love you forever.” She whispered with her chin tucked down, and her cheek rubbing into his arm.    

He paused for a beat and repositioned his arm a little to slip his hand into his pocket. 

“Do you mean that?” His tone was gentle.

“(Name)...” and it suddenly sounded strange and less like her name, but more like a promise. 

She caught it immediately, her eyes growing wide and her lips parting with a tinge of worry. 

“Yes? Of course, I mean it!” 

She continued, “Don’t doubt it for a second!”

“I’m not...I just —” 

They stopped walking, and seemingly unsure of how to proceed, (Name) fidgeted under his stare, and held his arm a little tighter. Then she was doubly confused when Iaian slipped his arm out of her grasp and took a calm step backward. Then another. 

Then he kneeled slowly before her.  

The reaction was immediate — (Name)’s back went ramrod straight and her hands flew up to her mouth. 

“Iaian!” She exclaimed with her feet dancing and her whole body unable to keep still. He couldn’t help but chuckle and pull out the box ever so slowly. 

“Iaian!!” She exclaimed her brows to her hairline when she removed her hands from her mouth. 

“Oh my god! —” Her smile was squirming between ecstatic and emotional, and he wasn’t mistaken when he saw tears sparkling at the edge of her eyes. His heart almost cracked in two at the sight, but his voice deepened from the feeling in his words.

“(Name). I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He flipped the box open with his pointer finger, revealing an elegant silver ring studded with a single teardrop diamond. He held it up and felt his skin flush with heat as he watched tears slip down her face. 

“(Name).” He repeated to soothe her, and she nodded her head wordlessly before inhaling sharply. 

“Yes!” She gasped.

(Name) took a skidding step forward, her hands opening and closing rapidly as if wanting to move, but not certain if she should. “I want — I want to spend the rest of my life with you too! Can I hug you yet?! I love you! I love—”

The rest of her words were a blur, muffled in the skin of his collar as (Name) rushed into his body. Her arms slipped around his shoulders as she planted a hard kiss on his lips. 

And just like that, they molded together, the heat familiar, but the feeling behind it brand new. Iaian held a groan in the back of his throat when he squeezed her closer. 

When they disconnected, Iaian let her kiss him all over again, and when she was done he did the same to her. He kissed her forehead, each cheek, her nose, her lips over and over and over— He wanted to remind her that he would always love her. Always want her. He would do anything for her.

Then he drew back, breathless, “Wait! I need to—” he cleared his throat, “I need to ask properly!” 

She laughed, her breath hiccupping from emotion as she waited.

“(Name), will you marry me!” 

And she grinned, “Yes! I will!”

[whumphoarder]

Them’s the Breaks

Summary: Peter is home alone and ends up breaking his ankle. Figuring his super healing will fix it overnight, he doesn’t tell anyone and tries to sleep it off, only to wake up in the middle of the night in agony. Cue Tony, saving his ass yet again.

(Alternative title: Super Healing is Not All it’s Cracked Up To Be Tibia)

Word count: 3,174

Genre: Whump, hurt/comfort, fluffy angst

A/N: Thanks to @sallyidss for beta reading!

Link to read on Ao3

Prior to being bitten by a radioactive spider, Peter had broken exactly one bone in his life.

He was eleven. Someone dared him to do a flip on a trampoline at a classmate’s birthday party. The flip itself was mediocre, but the landing was legendary. Blood streamed down Peter’s face from his now crooked, throbbing nose, ruining both his brand new stormtrooper t-shirt and the horrified birthday girl’s pink dress.

Ned—ever the sympathetic friend—had puked on the spot, which hadn’t done wonders for either of their middle school social statuses.

Peter managed to hold it together pretty well for the twenty minutes it had taken Ben to arrive, but the second the car door was shut and they pulled out of the driveway, the façade crumbled. Peter’s shoulders shook and tears ran down his cheeks, stinging his nose, because, as it turned out, broken bones just really hurt. Almost as much as Peter’s pride.

But Ben was there, and Ben always knew how to make Peter feel better. He cracked jokes about his nephew’s failing gymnastics career and tossed wadded up Burger King napkins at the kid’s messy face all the way to urgent care until Peter’s choked sobs turned to quiet giggles.

The doctor reset Peter’s nose and May fussed over him all weekend, making sure he was icing it appropriately. Three weeks later, he was back to normal.

But that was before the bite—before Peter had taken the unofficial job of crime-fighting teenage vigilante.

He’s up to eight bones now, lifetime total. Besides the nose, there were four ribs last summer (for the record, being thrown into brick walls really sucks), his collarbone back in January (missed a web and crashed onto the roof of a parking garage), and two fingers just before spring break (got stomped on by some dude gallivanting about in a rhino costume, what even is his life?). Luckily, super healing came as part of the package, so what had taken Peter’s sixth grade body weeks to repair, he now accomplishes in mere hours.

Today, however, it’s not Spider-Man who injures himself. It’s just Peter Parker, fresh off an evening patrol, wiping out in the goddamn shower.

“Oh shit!” Peter gasps sharply as his feet slide out from under him on the wet surface. His hand flies out on reflex and grasps the shower curtain, which he pulls down on top of him. As he slams onto the floor of the tub, his ankle rolls sideways underneath him. A split-second later, the metal curtain rod hits him in the face.

“...Rude…” he groans.

Water is still streaming down from the shower, splashing onto the sheet of vinyl now covering Peter’s body. He pulls the curtain off himself with another groan and gingerly pushes himself up to sitting. Half-blind from the shampoo running into his eyes, he reaches up over his head and fumbles for the shower handle. The water stops.

Peter makes to stand, but a sudden jolt of pain just above his ankle stops him. With a grunt, he lets himself fall back against the tub, teeth clenched.

Oh yeah, he’s never gonna live this one down.

It’s not his most graceful moment, but somehow Peter manages to extricate himself from the tub. Thankfully May is out of town this weekend so no one is around to hear the crashes and muffled curses issuing from the bathroom. He quickly dries off and pulls on some clean sweat pants and a t-shirt before hopping on his left leg to retrieve a bag of frozen peas from the kitchen. Once back in his bedroom, he carefully props the already-swelling ankle up on pillows and rests his makeshift ice pack on top.

It’s times like these when Peter curses his mutated spider metabolism for burning through normal painkillers so fast that Tylenol and ibuprofen are about as effective as Skittles. Tony has better drugs at the compound—the kind that actually work on him—but Peter isn’t too keen on explaining to his mentor how someone who’d stopped a runaway car with his bare hands and walked away without a scratch a few hours ago was no match for his own bathroom.

Plus, it’s really not that bad. He can deal. He’ll just sleep it off and everything will be fine by the morning.

X

Peter wakes to nauseating pain.

It takes him a moment to orient himself. He’s lying on his bed in a tangle of covers, a deep, pulsing ache radiating from his right ankle. He flaps his hand around under his pillow until he locates his phone and lifts it to his face to check the time. It’s 1:13 a.m.

God, this sucks.

When Peter pushes himself up to sitting, he can’t help but let out a muffled cry as a fresh wave of agony shoots through his leg all the way to the hip. It’s healing—he swears he can actually feel the bone knitting itself back together under his skin—but something about it feels different. Wrong.

Flipping on the bedside lamp, he pulls his covers off his aching foot and instantly gasps at the sight. It’s purple with bruises and swollen to double its usual size. On the side, right where the ache is deepest, the bone is jutting out at a weird angle and his stomach rolls at the sight. When he tries to move his foot slightly, searing pain nearly makes him lose his dinner.

This isn’t right. None of his past breaks have ever hurt this much. He can’t do this anymore—he needs help.

Fingers trembling, he types out his message: Mr. Stark? Are you awake?

It’s about thirty seconds before Peter sees the three dots indicating that Tony is typing: Haven’t slept since the 90s, kid. Why?

Peter steels himself with a deep breath as another pulse of pain stabs his ankle. He types out and backspaces a few different variations of his confession, ranging from ‘I fucked up my ankle and it’s killing me pls send help’ to ‘Nothing, just couldn’t sleep, sorry’ before finally settling on a vague version of the truth:

I might have done something dumb

Within five seconds of sending the text, Peter’s phone starts ringing, startling him. His fingers fumble to accept the call. When he speaks, his voice comes out more like a squeak than anything else. “Yeah?”

Tony cuts right to the chase. “How dumb are we talking here?” he asks briskly. “Because my lawyers generally appreciate a heads up.”

“No, it’s not that kind of dumb,” Peter manages to grit out through the pain. “It’s um… it’s just…” he trails off, not sure quite how to word this.

“It’s one in the morning. Just spit it out,” Tony prompts.

Tears are pricking at the corners of Peter’s eyes now, the ache somehow finding a way to become even deeper. “I-I got hurt,” he manages to say.

Tony’s tone instantly sobers. “Where? How bad?”

“No no, it’s not that bad,” Peter says quickly. “I just messed up my ankle or something. I thought I could just sleep it off and my healing would fix it, but it’s like”—he takes a shuddery inhale—“It just… it just really hurts, Mr. Stark.” He wants to cry; he feels absolutely pathetic.

Tony curses under his breath and Peter hears a lot of movement from the other end of the line. “Why didn’t I get any alerts from Karen on this?” he demands. “Because I put all those safety features in your suit for a reason and if I find out you coerced that Ned buddy of yours into disabling yet another layer of security, I swear to god, Pete—”

“I didn’t, I promise,” Peter interrupts. “Karen doesn’t know because it didn’t happen on patrol.”

“How did it happen then?”

“I just… kinda fell?”

“You fell?” Tony questions, confusion in his voice. “Fell where?”

Peter’s face flushes. “You know what, I-I’ll be okay,” he says. “I’m sorry to bother you, it’ll be fine in the morning, just—” Another pulse of pain shoots daggers up his right leg and his breath hitches.

“I’m already on my way,” Tony says, and Peter can hear the sound of wind rushing over the line now. “ETA, thirteen minutes.”

“Oh no, you don’t have to come out here!” Peter protests. “I just need some of those painkillers that you and Dr. Banner made. I dunno, maybe you could just send a couple over in one of your suits...?”

“Cute,” Tony remarks. “It’s adorable how you think I’m gonna let a fifteen-year-old dose out a drug strong enough to knock the Winter Soldier on his ass.”

“I’m sixteen now,” Peter argues. “Sixteen and a half, actually.”

“Equally adorable how you think stating your age in fractions helps your case,” Tony quips. “Listen, just hold tight, kid—I’ll be there soon.”

Peter sighs as the call disconnects.

X

Eleven minutes later, Tony arrives at the apartment and lets himself in with the spare key May had given him when it became apparent Peter's internship was more than just a run-of-the-mill semester-long program. He pauses in the doorway of Peter’s messy room to gaze at the miserable teenager sprawled out on the bed.

“Jesus, kid,” Tony swears quietly.

Peter gives a small wave. “Hey,” he mumbles. The nausea is back and he’s sweating slightly now. “Did you bring the drugs?”

“I did,” Tony says, his gaze narrowing as he steps closer to the bed, “but given that your ankle is currently resembling Violet Beauregarde’s, you’re not getting any until FRIDAY does her thing.”

Peter huffs, but he’s in too much pain to come up with anything witty to say. He holds still as Tony taps twice at the nanotech armor’s housing unit on his chest. A light appears and quickly scans over Peter’s body from head to toe.

After a moment, the light disappears again. “Scan complete, boss,” FRIDAY reports. “Partially healed misaligned fracture detected in the lower right tibia.”

“I broke my leg?” Peter balks. “I thought it was the ankle?”

“Your ankle is made up of three bones,” Tony explains. He pulls out his phone and starts typing something as he goes on. “Tibia, fibula…”—he pauses and glances up, frowning—“and that one that doesn’t rhyme.”

“The talus, boss,” FRIDAY supplies.

Diverting his attention back to the phone screen, Tony gives a short nod of acknowledgment. “Yeah, that one.”

“Oh.” Peter glances down awkwardly. “Um, I’m gonna take anatomy next semester.”

Tony hums absently. He finishes tapping out whatever message he’s been sending and pockets the device again. “In the meantime, I’m sure Bruce can tell you more fun bone facts when we get to Medbay.”

“Whoa, wait, what do you mean Medbay?” Peter demands, a fresh wave of panic and guilt crashing over him. “All I need is some meds so I can sleep through the worst of it and I’ll be fine,” he insists.

Tony huffs. “Your knowledge of anatomy might be lacking, but last time I checked you were getting an A in English so you should know that ‘misaligned’ isn’t a word you want connected to ‘fracture’. It’s healing wrong. You need x-rays. And a real doctor.”

With a groan, Peter drapes his arm dramatically over his face. “Great. Even my super healing is against me.”

“Not to mention you still haven’t told me how you fell,” Tony continues with a pointed look, “so if you’re trying to hide some other injury, or a vertigo thing, or—”

“I’m not,” Peter mumbles into the crook of his elbow. With a sigh, he lowers the arm from his face and looks miserably up at his mentor. “I just slipped in the stupid shower.”

To Tony’s credit, he doesn’t laugh.

(Even though his lips do twitch.)

Instead, he steps out of the bedroom and returns a moment later with a cup of water, which he hands to the kid along with two of the super strength painkillers from the orange pill bottle in his pocket. Peter downs them gratefully.

“Your aunt’s got her car here, right?” Tony checks.

Peter nods. “She took an Uber to the airport. Won’t be back until late Sunday. Conference for work.”

“Think she’d mind if we use it as a makeshift ambulance?”

Peter just shrugs.

“Alright then.” Tony presses the housing unit again and this time the armor encases his whole body. “Now I’m gonna pick you up and carry you down to the parking lot, and you’re not gonna make a big deal about it. Capisce?”

Peter suppresses a groan of embarrassment as he’s gathered carefully into Tony’s arms. Maybe next time he wipes out in the shower, he’ll get lucky and just drown.

X

The painkillers are strong and Peter ends up sleeping through most of the two-hour drive back to the compound. By the time they pull into the parking garage—May’s little dented Ford Focus looking positively ridiculous next to Tony’s array of expensive sports cars—it’s nearly four in the morning.

Bruce is waiting for them with a wheelchair, which Peter instantly balks at using.

“I don’t need that—I can totally walk,” he protests.

Bruce gives him a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, that’s not a good idea. Judging by the scans FRIDAY sent ahead for me, your bone rotated as it healed—that’s why it looks so deformed right now. Walking on it is only going to cause further problems.”

“You heard the man,” Tony says, gesturing to the chair. He smirks. “Unless you'd prefer me to get the suit on again.”

With a groan, Peter transfers himself into the chair. His ankle really does feel better now. The swelling is down and the pain only flares up when he jostles it too much—he can tell the bone has mostly knit itself back together.

Once back in Medbay, they’re joined by another doctor—someone from SHIELD called Helen Cho who Peter has never met before. She does some x-rays and an MRI while Peter half-dozes, still foggy from the medication.

When the scans are complete, he’s transferred back to a hospital bed while the two doctors talk over the results with him and Tony. Peter tries to pay attention but he’s still groggy and exhausted, so the medical jargon sounds more like irritating droning than actual words. Then all of a sudden, the three of them start throwing around words like ‘rebreaking’ and ‘inserting pins’ and ‘realignment surgery’ and Peter snaps right out of his haze.

“Whoa, whoa, what do you mean surgery?” Peter demands. “It’s fine, oh my god.”

Dr. Cho gives him a half-smile. “Look here, Peter.” She holds up the x-ray and points to the bulge on the side of Peter’s ankle. “This malunion is going to significantly reduce your mobility, as well as potentially cause chronic pain. Given your”—she pauses for a moment—“unusually active lifestyle, I would highly suggest surgical correction sooner rather than later.”

And that’s how, several hours later, Peter finds himself lying on a bed in a pre-op room at SHIELD Medical, waiting for some surgeons to take a bone-saw to his freshly healed right leg.

“How you feeling, kiddo?” Tony asks, plopping himself down in an armchair beside the bed.

“Really stupid,” Peter answers honestly. He gazes down at the deformed bones in his ankle. “All this from falling in the shower.”

Tony huffs out a laugh. “Eh, this shit happens. One time in college, I threw my back out during a ping-pong match with Rhodey.”

Peter’s eyes widen. “Seriously?”

Tony nods. “Bodies are dumb. Even enhanced ones—did you know Steve once sneezed so hard he dislocated a rib?”

Peter gives him a skeptical look. “Now you’re joking.”

“Cross my heart,” Tony chuckles. “Then Thor clapped him on the back and popped it back in.”

Peter opens his mouth to express his disbelief at this information, but before he can do so, a nurse dressed in light blue scrubs comes in to take him to the OR. A fresh wave of anxiety comes over Peter and he shoots his mentor a pleading look.

“You’re really sure this is necessary?” Peter tries one last time.

Tony gives his shoulder a squeeze. “You’ll be fine,” he assures. “As soon as you’re healed up, I’ll teach you some sweet ping-pong moves.”

Peter smirks. “Maybe I should get Rhodey to show me so I don’t throw out my back.”

“Nah, you don’t want him either,” Tony says, waving his hand dismissively. “I might have thrown out my back, but he ended up with a concussion.”

Peter blinks at him. “What kind of ping-pong games did you play?”

Tony locks eyes with him. “Ball is life, kid.”

X

The surgery itself goes as well as can be expected. Peter wakes up groggy and disoriented, with three new metal pins inside his ankle and a bright red cast around the outside. Bruce feeds him ice chips, and Tony video calls May from his Starkpad so she can fuss over her nephew a bit from Denver. Peter silently marvels at how this ridiculous life he leads has somehow brought him to the point where Iron Man and the Hulk are functioning as his postoperative caretakers.

Then his thoughts are derailed when he suddenly throws up bile all over the bedsheets and Tony’s tablet.

“It’s okay, Peter,” Bruce assures the thoroughly humiliated boy—who is now clutching a pink plastic basin to his chest as if his life depends on it—as he helps the nurse to strip the bed. “Nausea is a really common side effect of the anesthesia, and especially considering how much you had to be under for your metabolism, this is to be expected.”

Standing off to the side, wiping the tablet down with disposable disinfectant wipes, Tony huffs. “I mean if you knew that, Bruce, you could have warned me…”

Whether the antiemetics the doctors give Peter do their job or simply knock him out through the worst of the nausea, Peter will never know. But when he wakes again a few hours later, life is significantly better.

X

He’s released from Medical the next morning and Tony brings him back to the compound to finish recovering in his own room. The cast comes off Sunday morning and Peter’s good as new.

Late Sunday afternoon, Tony drops Peter back off at his apartment—Happy tailing along behind in a much shinier, undented, and heavily upgraded Ford Focus—and thanks May for loaning him her vehicle before asking permission to use their restroom.

Emerging from the bathroom a few minutes later, Tony ruffles Peter’s hair and tells the kid to take it easy before driving off again.

When Peter goes to take a shower later that night, he finds the floor of the tub covered in adhesive non-slip rubber duck decals.

(Yeah, Peter’s never gonna live this one down.)

X

Fic Masterlist

For more Tony helping Peter out sticky of situations, try:

 You Broke Tony 

 The Five Times Peter Denies an Illness or Injury + the One Time He Doesn’t

[dailyaudiobible]

09/21/2020 DAB Transcript

Isaiah 37:1-38:22, Galatians 6:1-18, Psalms 65:1-13, Proverbs 23:24

Today is the 21st day of September welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I'm Brian it’s great to be here with you today. It's great to be here with you any day and every day as we take steps forward. That’s all we…that’s all we do. We step forward every single day and we are always moving forward in our lives and in the Scriptures. And, so, let's move forward. We’re reading from the Contemporary English Version this week. Isaiah chapters 37 and 38.

Commentary:

Okay. So, we concluded the letter to the Galatians today, which means we’ll be moving into some new territory tomorrow. And Paul’s kinda been landing this plane, this letter to the Galatians basically by outlining some paths, especially in yesterday's reading when…when we came to be the fruit of the Spirit which is a famous passage…passage of Scripture. And Paul is contrasting the fruit of the Spirit as one pathway, a pathway that leads to eternal life. He contrasts that with other choices, with another path that we can choose, a path that leads to destruction. And he ends up saying, “look…the fruit of the Spirit, like love, joy peace, long-suffering, kindness, gentleness, like there are no laws anywhere that would forbid you from the fruit of the Spirit. Like doesn't matter what kind of rule you live under, nothing is gonna outlaw the fruit of the Spirit in your life. Like, where do you find a law against kindness or perseverance or long-suffering or patience?” And, so, in today's reading, as we…as we conclude the letter, Paul’s saying like, “here…here's the posture, here's where you should center yourself.” And I just…I guess…let me just read this section. Let me just quote Paul rather than try to put it in other words it's very clear. “You obey the law of Christ when you offer each other a helping hand. And if you think you are better than others when you really aren’t, your wrong. Do your own work well and then you’ll have something to be proud of but don't compare yourself with others. We each must carry our own load. And share every good thing you have with anyone who teaches you what God has said. You can’t fool God. So, don’t make a fool out of yourself. You're going to harvest what you plany. If you follow your selfish desires, you're gonna harvest destruction, but if you follow the spirit then you’re gonna harvest eternal life. So, don't get tired of helping others. You’ll be rewarded when the time is right if you don't give up”, right? It’s a…it’s a theme of endurance that becomes more and more and more hard to get away from the further and further and further we go into the New Testament. And then he says, “we should help people whenever we can, especially if they’re followers of the Lord.” Okay. So, the beauty of some of the…some of the writing style Paul is that we’ll get these concise kinds of paragraphs or sentences or…that we can almost even make a list and go, “okay. how much of this describes me? Like is what he…did…did what he say here in Galatians have…does it resemble me? Like, do I believe I'm obeying the law of Christ when I help…when I give a helping hand? And do I think I'm better than somebody else or am I always lost in comparison? So, this gives us some things to consider and meditate upon today. But probably primarily, one of the things that we should meditate as we leave Galatians behind for this…this year is the fact that the law of sowing and reaping shows up here. Like what you plant is what you get. It's a natural law that we all accept, right? If you throw corn out on your field, then you do not expect pole beans. You expect corn. If you're going to pick some fruit and you come to an apple tree then you do not expect strawberries, you expect to yield what was planted. And we just sort of get disconnected with the fact that that is a spiritual law as well. That is the truth of our lives. We are living the harvest that we planted. Our lives are as they are because of what we planted previously. And, so, in so many ways what Paul is trying to encourage any he encourages in this direction in many letters,  “like what if you started planting the fruit of the Spirit and didn't stop that so that season after season after season this is what you were reaping. This is going to lead you to the harvest of eternal life but if you’re gonna plant the fruit of the spirit, like this row over here is for the fruit of the Spirit…this little section of my life I’m gonna plant through the fruit of the Spirit of here, but the rest of the field of my heart, it's going to be a mixture of things.” Well then, that's what you are going to harvest. And, so, what if we did plant the fruit of the Spirit systematically over and over, season after season after season? Then the truth is we would always be harvesting the fruit of the Spirit. We would have left over to give away, which is the point. It would be bursting out of us into the world. We would have a pantry full of canned fruit of the Spirit that we can go get any time…like we would be abundantly immersed in the fruit of the Spirit. That's available. That’s the thing of it. That's available. It just depends on what we’re…what we’re gonna plant. And the choice is ours.

Prayer:

Holy Spirit, well up from within us, make us aware of Your presence in our lives. We become aware of the shape of our lives. We look out across the fields of our heart and we see what's growing there and we may have some work to do. And we can’t do that work on our own. We need You. And, so, as harvests come and go, as harvests come that we didn't want. And as they go when it's time to plant again in their place, we plant the fruit of the Spirit, which means we’re gonna have to live according to this. And, so, make us aware, make us present to what we are putting into the soil of our hearts. We ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, and that…yeah…website, it’s where you find out what's going on around here.

Its where things like the Prayer Wall live. And…yeah…that is a fantastic place to be aware of always. You can always reach out for prayer. You can always offer prayer at the Prayer Wall no matter what time….what time of day it is, no matter what time zone you are in, and no matter how different our time zones are from each other because we’re all over the world. So, as I speak this it's tomorrow somewhere, you know, and the Prayer Wall is…it just isn't paying attention to what time zones we’re in. It’s paying attention to the fact we’re reaching out. And, so, beware of that. Check it out in the Community section.

Check out the resources that are available in the Daily Audio Bible Shop for taking this journey deeper. And, of course, you can get to all the things I'm talking about within the Daily Audio Bible by pressing the Drawer icon in the upper left-hand corner. But check these out. Stay connected in any way that you can.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible that can be done at dailyaudiobible.com as well. Of course it can be done within the app also by pressing the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174. And I thank you humbly, deeply. I mean how many times have I said it already this year? It's…it's in awe inspiring thing to do what we’re doing together. Like that we show up every day and we take the next step and it doesn't really matter…like the time zones we were just talking about…it doesn't matter. No matter where we are, we’re never listening to this alone. Someone somewhere is in the is with us. And that is a remarkable thing to know that each day we gather around the Global Campfire and take the next step. So, I thank you that this even exists because it exists because we’re together. We’re in it together. So, thank you.

And then of course, if you've a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, which is the red button at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that is it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi DAB family this is D also known as A New Day in Florida and I had called in at the end of August feeling really lonely. Have lost my husband four years ago and my mom three years ago. Don’t have children and it’s just been really difficult. And I listened to the Community Prayer and I heard a woman mention me. She did not give her name, but she definitely understood that I did not stumble onto this and I’m so grateful for this app and for Brian and the Hardin family. And thinking of Mike from Missouri who also mentioned me and praying for me. There’s a particular backdrop to the story that I didn’t give the day that I called to pray, and I hope I can finish it before the two minutes. But I’m a September 11th responder and my husband was a responder and we came here so that he could heal up and he actually was killed here in Florida and a motorcycle accident. So, that’s kind of the backdrop. And I think all the loneliness I was feeling is because it was leading up to September 11th. And I also want to thank a woman who took the time to mention September 11th and pray for those who were affected. I didn’t get her name, but she was on the Community Prayer podcast as well. Okay, my time is running out and thank you guys so much. I love you.

Hello, my dear Daily Audio Bible family missionary in Mexico. I had been missing you. Oh, my goodness it’s good to be back and hearing the community prayers and catching up. So good to be caught up again with the Bible reading. My husband has been doing a lot of ministry flights just like Margot’s husband, my husband too is a missionary pilot. And anyway, yeah, so he was gone and I was kind of holding down the fort and very busy with our family and home schooling and all the stuff going on. But oh my goodness it’s so good to hear all your voices and I’m not gonna even try because there’s so many of you I just go, “it’s so good to hear his voice, her voice” and I love you all very much. I’m calling in today because a coworker of ours, a wonderful lady named Barbara has a tumor and she has been a huge blessing to so many different people in so many different countries. She’s worked in Columbia, in the Philippines, here in Mexico, and…well…before she became a missionary, in Australia. She’s just kind of been everywhere and knows everyone. She’s one of those kinds of people. She was our daughters, our oldest daughter’s kindergarten teacher way back when she…when our daughter was in kindergarten. She is going to be going in for surgery and we’re just really playing that she can use the surgery that uses the gamma knife, which is a much less invasive surgery rather than doing the more invasive surgery that might end up messing with her nerves in her mouth and her cheek and stuff. So, please be praying for Barb. But we love her so much. She is a blessing here. She’s one of our…she’s a neighbor of ours here. We live in a community outside of town and…and she just loves everybody, and everybody loves her and she has helped so many people come to know Jesus. And, so, I appreciate your prayers family. Thanks.

Hi beloved DAB this is God’s Life Speaker. And for someone who always wants to be speaking life words because I believe them, and their God’s words, and He calls us to hire places I feel like I need your prayer. I have called in before for our 20-year-old son. I don’t even know where to begin. He’s… he…he is lonely. He is depressed. He’s everything negative and everything of the opposite that I would desire him to be, right? And I know God doesn’t desire him to be the way that he is choosing right now. And he talks about just wanting to be dead though I’ve asked him directly if has plans to hurt himself because when he was a teenager, he did threaten to kill himself. And that was a hard time, but we got through that by God’s grace, but now he’s away at school. Even though he’s only a little bit from our house, he stays there and he’s just in this deep place. And I ask him if…if he’s inviting God into this place. And he practices a different religion than us. And we believe the Bible and he believes the Bible plus all these other documents. And I just feel that his head is full of knowledge and I want this relationship with God to occur, to lean on Him. And all I can do is pray. And all I can ask is for your prayers. And I will continue to speak life into my son believing that God will bring this family back under one roof so that we can worship him together in the house of God. So, I just ask for your prayers. My son’s name is Joshua. Thank you, DABbers. I’m praying for all of you. I love you.

Hello DAB family or maybe I should say greetings to the DAB nation. You are a holy people, a royal priesthood, a people set apart. This is Louise from Arkansas. I called about a month and half ago to ask for prayers for my son Peter Thank you so much for the people that prayed. It meant so much to me and hear somebody else pray for my son other than me. But today I’m…and I wish I had a wonderful testimony about great things that God had done in his life but so far as I know everything remains the same. So, today I’m calling about my daughter Melody. She’s going to be 35 on the 20th. I figured a good way to celebrate was to call and ask for prayers since I can’t really celebrate with her. Please pray she will turn her car heart back to Jesus. Once she walked to God but life has been hard and she has turned her back on God. Thank you for your prayers.

Good morning DABers this is __ from Juba in South Sudan. I’m…I’m basically calling to ask for prayer because for the first time I am traveling from Juba for the first time this year, traveling from Juba to Nigeria. I will be in Nigeria for about a month and a half before coming back to work. I need your prayer for travel mercies and for continued protection from the coronavirus and also that whatever the reason I have to travel to Nigeria that God will continue to use me for His glory there, that I will continue to make impact for the kingdom of God when I get to Nigeria. The airspace is just opened and making it possible for me to be able to travel. So, thank you once again and thank you for being there. Thank you, Brian and Jill and China and Ben and Simon and Ezekiel, all that is behind DAB. May God bless you. May God keep you. May God strengthen all of you. May God meet you at the points of you need. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hello DAB family it’s Tim from Edinburgh in Scotland in the UK. I phoned a couple weeks ago for prayer about some eye surgery for a detached retina. I’ve been really calm and…post-surgery…just resting in Jesus. And as I said to some folks, we needn’t pray for physical healing or the job offer or the lost nc-nak to be found but sometimes we just need to pray and to hear Jesus say, “it’s okay. I’ve got this. I’ve got you. Your safe. Rest easy.” So I’ve been resting easy and today, which is the 18th of September I was heading into the eye hospital for the follow-up appointment and I just had time to listen to DAB and a verse from Scripture which just leapt out at me was Isaiah 29:18, “eyes of gloom and darkness, the eyes of the blind will see.” So, I went in for my appointment and the consultant was very happy. My vision is just wonderful. I can still drive. I can still cycle. I can still work. So, thank you for your prayers and most of all, Jesus, thank You for Your love and healing. Amen.

[thots4daze]

if youre still doing the writing prompt things, atsumu and 6?

OMG you’re killing me here anon~!right outta the gate with the angst and the feeeeeeeels

Enjoy y'all

FYIthis is my first actual post of Atsumu since I know NOTHING bout him or his twin T^T so apologies if I get his character totally wrong

Swearing is included // hint at sexual content but no actual frickity frack - soz not soz

---------------------

To say that Miya Atsumu was selfish would be the understatement of the century.

And that's putting it mildly.

If anything of mild interest were to cross this boy's path, he would cling to it as if it were the most important and entertaining thing he'd ever seen. This goes also for anything that his twin would find interesting as well. Atsumu would pick it up and selfishly lord it over his twin and friends, always in a teasing manner - but still. It was annoying as shit.

And you would tell him so, every chance you got.

And when it came to you, that was OK. When it came to you it was meant to be endearing. Sweet, even. And you thought so. It made you feel special. Warm. Safe.

----

"Tsumuuuuu~" Your voice cooed through the receiver. You were laying upside down on your shared couch, legs sprawled out, feet resting on the top cushion. Finals were over and summer "break" was kicking off. Well, kinda. Atsumu still had morning and afternoon practices and scrimmages and games to attend and of course you still had your part time job to deal with. But, eh, semantics.

It was a beautiful day. Some over cast but nothing that screamed "too dangerous to go outside".

He chuckled on the other end of the line at how cute you sounded. If he had to guess you were lounging in one of his shirts, clean, of course, and socks. Having already discarded your pants from the day. "Yes, princess?" His voice teasing and you knew he wore a smirk while speaking.

A shiver ran through your body like electricity. You loved the nickname. Knowing he only used it when he was feeling in the mood. Biting your bottom lip then releasing you smirk yourself, flipping right side up and leaning forward, resting your elbows to your knees.

"Mmmhm, Tsumu~, you remember last week how we fucked in the locker room after your win?"

He sucked in a breath, biting his lips as his sight turned upward to the gym lights. He had to compose himself. He was in front of the coach and the guys. Practice was taking a short break. It was his only time to call you until the end and he just really needed to hear your voice. Well, be careful what you wish for, right?

"Oh, I remember clearly. You were a total wreck. So tight, mouth open . . . I think you even drooled a bit-,"

"OK I get it!" A massive blush coated your neck and cheeks. Even though he wasn't there to witness it, his teasing was embarrassing. Most likely due to the fact that you indeed had drooled. He just fucks you so, so good. You couldn't help it.

Composing yourself, you purr into the phone, "If you hurry home after practice, I'll make sure to be properly wrecked~" The thought sending blood to his cock. He groaned softly. Well, as softly as he could in this situation. "You're gonna be the death of me, Y/N."

You spared him a hum in response and you thought about what it was that you were going to do when he got home. The coach called out from in the background signaling it was time to get back to it. "Hey, babe - I gotta go, but rest assured, you're going to get it tonight. Just be ready~" a teasing infliction to his tense and heated voice. Another spark racing through your body, sending heat between your thighs. You didn't think you could wait.

"Mmkay. See you soon~ I love you."

"Love you too." and with that the phone disconnected and you were left with a warmth coursing through you and a dampness that needed to be dealt with.

Deciding that you weren't in the mood of patiently waiting around the empty apartment for your boyfriend, you threw on your pants and shoes, grabbing your bag and was out the door in a matter of minutes. Another pseudo voyeurism experience for the two of you and you'd be set for weeks with hot orgasm material. Just the thought made you giddy. You were so wrapped up in the memory as you waltzed into the convenience store that you weren't paying much attention to your surroundings. You had just popped in for a travel pack of condoms - no use grabbing a large pack you had some at home, and an energy drink or two. You were gonna need it after tonight.

Once the transaction was complete you were back on your way to the campus, not a long walk, seeing as it was maybe 3 blocks from your place. It was still light outside, the sun making it's sleepy way down, down to the horizon of the earth, eventually going to sleep for the day. It was beautiful outside, a nice crisp breeze blew about in just the right way to ruffle your hair but not enough to warrant goosebumps. Refreshing, you thought to yourself, a small smile gracing your features.

You were so entranced with the day and all it's beauty, thinking of your boyfriend of 3 years that you hadn't noticed the large mass heading your way. It was barreling towards you, without a second thought of stopping. They were coming over the small hump in the road - it's always been an issue - the driver's not being able to see over it until it was, in this case, too late.

Flying. Soaring, more like - you remember thinking. The world was turned upside down, very similar to when you lay upside on the couch. It wasn't much different, just a change in scenery. You remember seeing others out there. They weren't right side up. But their faces, they looked strange. Noises reached your ears and then left just as fast. Screams. Yells. Screeching. And the smell. Was that rubber? Heat entered your body - but it wasn't the same carnal heat that you were feeling just an hour ago. It was uncomfortable and scathing. Like being doused in boiling water. The beautiful, dusky vision turned black and you remember nothing else

---

Before practice was even over, the coach received a call. Atsumu thought it was odd that he would take a call at a time like this - but honestly didn't think anything more than that. Odd. It wasn't until he called him over by name that his stomach began to twist uncomfortably.

What was going on?

Coach spoke to him. But no words were coming out. Sound reached his ears, but he wasn't listening. Not anymore. Before his sentence was complete, Atsumu was rushing out the door and down the block to the nearest hospital. Praying to any and all the gods that you were OK.

You had to be, he thought. He had just spoken to you. JUST spoke to you. He had been looking forward to seeing you. Not like he didn’t live with you or anything. But it was like a drug for him. His love for you, something he didn't think he would ever experience. He was a selfish guy, not really taking anything too seriously - at least not for long. Hey, that's how your relationship began. It was something casual. Not meant to mean anything in the long run. Now look at him? 3 years in and he's wrapped around your finger like a love struck puppy. Even he had to mentally smile at that - he always thought his twin would be the one in his shoes, all lovesick and whipped. But no, he got that honor.

---

It had been a few hours, maybe 2? Or more? He couldn't say. All he knew was that you lay in the hospital bed before him, hooked up to machines and IVs and other instruments he couldn't care to figure out. All he cared about was you and if you were going to be OK. You had to be. You just HAD to be.

“You can’t die. Please don’t die.” He choked out, elbows resting on his bare knees, hands alternating between ruffling his hair and palming his face. "You can't. Please . . . Y/N."

The doctors had all come and gone, making sure he was OK just as much as you were. Checking vital signs, refilling the IV. The doctors weren't entirely hopeful and that was something Atsumu did not want to hear. But it was something that he needed to be prepared for if it should ever happen.

As night turned to early morning, Atsumu's eyes grew heavy. The slow, rhythmic beep of the monitors and the ever so slight heaving of your chest, were doing wonders on lulling him to sleep. He granted himself this lil vice, setting his messy locks on the bed, next to your waist. Dried tear trails stain his cheeks as new ones spring to life in his eyes, catching on his dark lashes. “You can’t leave me. Please don’t die.”

To say that Miya Atsumu was selfish would be the understatement of the century. And when it came to you, that was OK.

[cosmosogler]

hello everyone!

today was the last day of group therapy.

i got up a little early since i went to bed so early last night. i was feeling a lot better this morning so i uploaded my new comic and went to class. i even got there on time, for once...

the day was mostly a lot of work. and i got it done! except for one thing, but, i am very tired, and i have a final to study for, and emailing jobs will have to wait until probably wednesday afternoon, just because i will be cramming in as much work as i can tomorrow in particular. i finished all my grades today, but, i still have an entire quantum assignment to finish that’s due on the same day as my em final... definitely need it done tomorrow. arthur’s checkup is also in the morning, and then i have therapy and the em review session, and ugh, it’s a lot of running around, and i still feel fairly ill. ill enough to be painfully lethargic, especially since i got home at around 6...

anyway, group therapy. i always get kind of weirded out when people like me or say i said a lot of intelligent things that made them think, or inspired them. my last group coordinator called me a leader... i feel like the coordinators in this group didn’t let me do that. although i know i talked too much anyway. after spring break, when i was told i couldn’t talk that day, i just didn’t bring up any more of my problems to the group specifically. i feel like i missed out because of that, but, i had something really important to share the day i was told i couldn’t share, so, i kept it to myself. 

i really liked the group members that stuck around. they felt like friends, toward the end, even though right away those first few weeks i felt “on the same page” in a way. it’s disorienting when people remember my jokes and think they’re still funny later... like, i guess, i’m not used to having an effect on people. i’m not used to being able to meaningfully affect my surroundings, even after living on my own for years and years now. at least it’s easy to trust when animals love me... they don’t have a reason to lie or leave. i’m not used to people wanting specifically my presence. 

my mother’s told me that my siblings think of me the same way but man it’s so hard to gauge what they actually think. i feel disconnected from them most of all, in a way. maybe because i moved away when i was 14 and did so much of my growing up away from them (and them from me). i know i’m far closer with each of them than they are with each other... and our conversations have an easygoing “language of our own” kind of situation. but when i try to describe them i’m kind of at a loss. i guess i’m too used to the way my mother describes them, which is, not as charitable or at least neutral as i want to be. 

will i be like this forever? am i so easygoing around my friends because i’ve got years of experience with this kind of thing, or is it because my brain says i only matter to them when i am physically in the room with them? maybe it’s both... i’ve had too many close friends leave so abruptly and quietly. it’s so hard to make new connections. and then it’s so hard to invest in those connections and trust them. it’s like i beg people for companionship and then when they hang out with me i just push them away or don’t say anything at all. so it’s like they see me in the distance waving and yelling and then when they get over to me i just stand there and stare at them silently. maybe it’s unnerving. 

like... i so desperately want close friends but at the same time i want anything but friends. ha. 

last week one of the coordinators mentioned i looked sad or tormented or something, and i asked “do i look *that* depressed?” and she said “yes!” so this week i asked, like, what specifically makes me look depressed? what does that look like? and she couldn’t answer. she’s given vague answers and metaphors all semester though it barely ever feels like she says anything specific and it ties my brain up in knots trying to figure out what the hell she’s talkin about. she’s new... today she said it was my way of talking, my cynicism. nothing about my appearance that i could change or see. it made me feel confused again. more abstract traits that i have no way to track or recognize... i guess i could talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. 

i dunno. not really getting as much activity on the comic as i was hoping for, these last couple scenes... it always gets like that with major story developments or chapter milestones. the final scene in the last chapter got like 1 note... maybe it’s the time of semester. it feels like the ebbs and flows of attention happen so fast. i was getting near 10 notes a post, a few months ago, but now i’m back down to less than 5 it feels like. it’s hard to keep track... i have a few regulars that catch up every few weeks so the numbers hop up 1 per post after i’ve already gotten used to the lack of attention. well... i just have three more things to draw for this arc. i can get started on the last tiny comic tomorrow when i need a break.

today i felt so exhausted when i got home i forgot i left water on the stove to boil for too long and had to re-start my whole dinner process. it came out alright but then i near forgot to eat it. after i gave arthur his meds (kinda late) i huddled under a blanket and played pokemon for an hour or two. next up is the elite four... i’m gettin’ there... it will be nice to see the end of the game at long last. i have amassed enough resources that once i get to the postgame i can just buy everything i want at the battle tree and then have all my pokemon be completely battle-ready... if anyone wants to play... you know, a couple months before the new one comes out, haha.

[kateywlo]

Bitter, Bitter Love

@gsnkfandomweek GSNK FANDOM WEEK DAY 6: Ships — Bitter, Bitter Love Words: 2835 Characters: Mikoto Mikoshiba, Chiyo Sakura, Umetarou Nozaki, Yuu Kashima Ships: Mainly MikoChiyo, slight NozaChiyo Summary: On a day where Mikoshiba is greeted with an unexpected sight, he’s forced to bear the subconscious burden of witnessing the incident.

-------

After school, Mikoshiba had witnessed something that he probably wasn’t supposed to have seen. Forgetting a book in his classroom under his desk, he had casually walked through the corridors until he heard the familiar sound of a maiden crying. He had peeked in, only to see a sight that he never expected to see.

Tears fell from the cheeks of a small girl, her tears staining a familiar signature as the ink began to smudge. She has been sobbing with her grasp tight on the signature. There was no way he couldn’t have recognised who it was. The large red polka-dotted ribbons that adorned her orange hair was unmistakable.

“Nozaki-kun… I’m more than just your fan,” she whispered but loud enough for him to hear.

That day, he decided it was best to remain silent.

At least, that was the plan. As much as he didn’t want it to, it remained in his mind. The warm evening colours that dyed the entirety of her small frame and the wistful crying. Mikoshiba sighed, maybe he’d be better off playing his games rather than confide in someone. Opening a drawer, he delicately rummaged through the game discs he had. What was there to play? He needed to unlock a route for one game, he’d choose that.

--------------

“What do you mean I have to walk back home with Naomi?!” Mikoshiba grunted as he raised his console in a fit, “I already promised Kaori that I’d walk with her, that’s the route I’m trying to unlock! Option C… Option C… gotta make an option C Mikoto…”

It was at that moment that his whole house had thought it a good idea to go through a blackout and destroy his data for how long he hadn’t saved. Whimpering to himself, he buried his hands in his head and sighed to himself. He could only run away from the reality he had seen for a limited amount of time anyway and it soon came flooding back to him. Sakura’s small trembling back as she sobbed. She… she probably muddled up her confession again, he thought to himself. Picking up his smartphone, he called the time that she and Nozaki had approached him, believing they intended to switch out their flip phones, he helped them out. Raising his smartphone, he wondered what he should’ve done. Consult the person that he considered as a little sister, Sakura? Or ask Nozaki what happened? What was… the Option C in this mess?

“What am I supposed to do?” he murmured to himself. He wasn’t supposed to see it anyway. Sakura had always been pretty confident about herself, he would’ve never expected to see it out of her. Scrolling through his contacts list, he stopped at her name, Kashima Yuu. His best friend, the Option C in this mess. Dialling her, he heard the familiar sound of the call being connected.

“Hey Mikoshiba!” she greeted, “You don’t normally call me and even if you do, it’s not this late. What’s up?”

He hadn’t even thought of what he was supposed to tell her. Internally facepalming, he spoke to her, “Kashima… what should I do?” he sighed wistfully and buried his head in his hands.

Kashima laughed on the other side of the phone, “I don’t know Mikoshiba.”

“I… Well, I—” he began but paused. Was this really his secret to keep? Should he really have other people prying into Sakura’s business? Pursing his lips, he had to make a decision and cupped his chin.

“You…?” Kashima attempted to continue for him.

“Well, I’m just kinda sick today,” he said, fakely coughing, “And I had no medicine so I was wondering what I should do. Sorry for bothering you. See ya Kashima.”

Hearing the familiar sound of a disconnected call, on the other side, Kashima had sighed, resting her palm on her chin as she casually threw a jacket over herself after getting out of the bathroom. Smiling to herself, she sighed. Mikoshiba does remember that I’m in the drama club right? Even I can tell what a fake cough is. Especially when Hori-senpai always finds me out after school! She thought to herself happily, grinning as she thought of Hori. Mikoshiba, whatever it is, I hope you find your answer.

Meanwhile, Mikoshiba couldn’t, in fact, find his answer. His finger hesitantly hovered over calling Sakura. Closing his eyes, he attempted to call her and heard the call connect. The ringing of his cell phone felt so haunting, almost in a second, he felt his heart race and his eyes swim. One ring… two rings… three rings… then there was a pause.

“Mikorin, what’s up?” she beamed.

“W-well, I was just checking up to see if everything was ok!” he exclaimed using the same enthusiasm she had. “How are you?”

“Well, you know, this afternoon,” she began and he flinched, this afternoon? This afternoon what? Was she going to mention it already?! “Nozaki-kun, he gave me a lunch box! It had curry and white rice!” she squealed.

Over the other side, he heard a younger voice speak faintly as if they were a fair distance away, “Onee-chan, you’re so noisy.”

Mikoshiba felt himself laughing along with Sakura. He was glad. He was worried about nothing. She was still obsessed over Nozaki, as always. Nothing had changed. He saw the lights turn back on. The electricity had returned after the blackout although the light was slightly flickering.

“You know, Mikorin,” Sakura hummed, “I loved Noza—”

Almost in an instant, the flickering lights had burst, leaving Mikoshiba yelping and dropping his phone as sparks of electricity flew from the broken light bulb at the top of his ceiling. Shocked, he raised himself instantaneously and went over to the light switch, flicking it off. The light bursting had scared the crap out of him, reluctant as he was to admit it. Well, if anything, he was glad that nothing had happened to Sakura. Sighing out of relief, he now wondered what to do about the light, preoccupied with what his in front of him and having instantly forgotten the fact that he was on a phone call with Sakura.

-----------------

“Mikorin?!” Sakura exclaimed.

It felt like she had heard the sound of something exploding on his end and then heard his shout. She wondered what on earth had happened to him and hoped he was alright, especially since he had been her friend and a fellow manga assistant. Pausing, she thought on the words of a manga assistant. Had she really wanted to remain by Nozaki’s side? Burying her face in her pillow, she could feel tears stinging her eyes. For 2 years, she had loved him but it was probably going to come to an end now. The scene after school had ached her heart.

---

“N-Nozaki-kun!” she exclaimed, nervously fiddling and feeling her feet shift awkwardly.

It was after school. This scene had felt so familiar she had remembered. The first time she had properly and genuinely spoke to Nozaki ever since their entrance to Roman Academy, save for the entrance ceremony. Today, she planned to confess properly again, just like the time she had let it slip out of her mouth during the fireworks festival.

“N-Nozaki kun, t-the truth is, I’m your fan!” she exclaimed.

“Ok!” he replied instantly, withdrawing a signature board and instantly drawing his precise signature onto it of Yumeno Sakiko then proceeded to hand it over to her.

Taking his signature awkwardly, she took a deep breath and felt her heart race. She had to do it properly this time, “Nozaki-kun. The truth is, I love you!”

—

She instantly dismissed the thought, no longer wanting to think about what had happened after her proper confession. She could feel herself sobbing again and didn’t care, even if her little brother, Towa was watching her.

“Onee-chan… you’re so noisy,” he said, averting his eyes from her sobbing, trembling figure. Onee-chan’s so noisy… he thought to himself and stole a glance at her, she’s so noisy about a guy that she wanted to give up on yet I know that I can’t help but feel sorry for her.

He had recalled the time he took a brief trip to Roman Academy and stumbled upon Roman Academy. He didn’t know what happened to his sister but he couldn’t do anything to help her consolidate. The day she had returned from the entrance ceremony, 2 years ago, squealing about a random boy that had felt like he appeared out of a shoujo manga, was so distinct and familiar. As if it had only happened just a week ago. Maybe he’d only been reminiscing about it because of how she was reacting right now.

“Hey, onee-chan, want to share some vanilla pudding?” he said. At the very least, he would’ve made this one sacrifice for her.

------------------

In the morning, the first mistake was made. Sakura had mistakenly bumped into Nozaki. Pausing, she felt herself take a sharp breath with her heart racing and could feel her chest tightening with tears stinging her eyes as her cheeks flared. “N-N-N-Noza… Nozaki-kun!” she exclaimed. She didn’t know whether she appeared to be normal or not but his face was seemingly monotonous. Cool as usual… she thought to herself.

“Morning, Sakura,” he said, greeting her as per usual as he waved to her casually.

“Good morning, N-Nozaki-kun!” she exclaimed. Her feeling of being overjoyed at being in the same classroom as him felt so distant. It felt like her heart was wringing at the fact that he were to sit next to her.

Her small, pristine figure was being reflected in his own individualistic, jet black irises. Almost in an instant, under the pressure of his cool gaze, she felt herself run. She could feel her tears springing forth. She’d been so hurt that day. The way he reacted… it all came flooding back no matter how much she wanted to forget about it.

“Nozaki-kun! The truth is, I love you!” Sakura exclaimed.

She had seen it. It was only for a few seconds but she had seen the proper realisation dawn on him. His irises strangely glowing for almost a second as he had paused. Maybe it was the light of the sun setting and the warm colours of the sunset dyeing his figure was always so dreamy.

“I feel the same,” he replied, his lips forming a thin smile. “I also, love you like family.”

She had been so inexplicably hurt. She’d basically been rejected. He realised her feelings but purposely confused them for the love that one would share for kin. He had taken his bag, pat her on the shoulder and left the empty classroom. His warmth lingered on her shoulder until she felt tears stinging at her eyes and beginning to cry.

2 years… for 2 years she had loved him. She felt her heart aching as her small legs had brought her away from 2-A. Maybe he’d use her later as a reference for Mamiko. At least, then, she’d caught his gaze. Tripping, she fell on the floor and began sobbing. “I would’ve… gladly learnt how to do backgrounds for your sake.”

“The beta is beautiful.” He never uttered those words to her. What had she been expecting anyway? Raising herself hopelessly, she finally noticed the outstretched hand of Mikoshiba. “Mikorin…” she cried as she allowed him to help her up. “You know, I loved Nozaki-kun. Mikorin… I… I got rejected by Nozaki-kun.”

Wondering how to comfort or consolidate her, he reluctantly raised a hand and pat her with it. It was at that moment that her being 32cm shorter than him had hit him. Even when her heart was broken, she still spoke about Nozaki. Using his other hand, he could feel his cheeks beginning to flare, steadily allowing himself to wipe away her tears with a finger. He wanted to run away in embarrassment as his heart raced nervously. Glancing at her, he began to think. Sakura was pretty cute but he had always paid her no attention because he thought of her as something like a little sister, especially since he was older than her. Wondering what on earth he was thinking, he internally punched himself. She only just reminded him of the little sister route that he had lost just yesterday to the blackout. Parting his lips, he began, “Saku—” Strangely enough, he heard Nozaki’s distant call.

“Sakura!” he exclaimed. Far down the corridor was Nozaki. Uncharacteristically out of breath and without his notepad for manga references with compresses on his face and neck. “Sakura… are you talking with Mikoshiba?” he said coolly. His eyes were sharper than usual with obvious dark circles around his eyes. Perhaps it was best not to say that he might’ve looked like a tanuki.

“I… I’m not,” she murmured nervously, averting her eyes from his sharp gaze.

“Then… can I talk to you, Sakura?”

“...Ok,” she replied.

Reluctantly and nervously, she trailed after Nozaki. Mikoshiba decided that it wouldn’t have been a good idea to interrupt the two and glanced at the direction they had been walking to and found himself sneaking behind them even despite his previous thoughts. Curiosity had killed the cat, not the human, so it couldn’t hurt to check up on his close friends, right? They had returned to a spot near the shoe lockers and the scene strangely felt familiar. Glancing around awkwardly, completely unaware that he looked suspicious, he wondered to himself why it had seemed so familiar until realisation dawned on him. Glancing at the felt board, he recalled the poster of washing hands that Sakura had done for the art club.

“This what when we first indirectly met,” Nozaki began as he turned to gaze at Sakura who had nodded in agreement. “That… that long time ago, when you first called me out to the classroom and the other time… at the fireworks festival… were you—”

He paused. “Were you trying to convey the same thing as yesterday?”

“I was, Nozaki-kun,” she replied. She had recalled how she had laughed at his misunderstanding of feeling the same about her and she had been so excruciatingly disappointed when she realised he was just talking of the fireworks. “I’ve always… to you… Always, always, since the entrance ceremony.”

“...The entrance ceremony?” he inquired and shook his head. That wasn’t what he was focused on right now. There was a reason he had mistakenly stayed up so late, there was a reason for why he was thinking of her, there was a reason for what he did to her. How should he have conveyed this thoughts or feelings to her right now? Drawing her out in front of Mikoshiba had just happened in the spur of the moment out of jealousy.

“About you—”

“I know,” she murmured, “I’ve already been rejected.” She could feel the tears stinging at her eyes, but still spoke to him, “But I still want to be with you Nozaki-kun. I’ll still do the beta for Suzuki-kun and…”

Maybe her eyes were bloodshot from crying so much and she hadn’t even realised.

“Wait, Sakura, about you, I feel the same,” he said. “Not just as family but I also love you.”

She felt her cheeks flare at the sound of his own confession, wondering just how on earth he had the mental fortitude to do it near the shoe lockers, where everyone would’ve come and gone by yet all attention was drawn to them. “N-Nozaki-kun…” she replied. She felt as ecstatic as Mamiko towards Suzuki.

Meanwhile, Mikoshiba took a deep breath. It felt strangely suffocating to breathe. Maybe he was so happy for Sakura that his heart was hurting like this. He didn’t really know why or have an exact grasp on his feelings but he couldn’t find himself being happy about Sakura’s requited feelings. Was it because it felt like his little sister was being taken away from him or…? Burying his head in his palms, he wondered what to do.

“Mikoshiba-kun, you’re really popular…” Sakura commented as she gazed at the girls squealing from him only just passing by. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No… I don’t have one. A person like me shouldn’t belong to anyone, because I’m searching for an eternal love…”

It was a long time ago, but maybe that had been the start of everything. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, nor the human. However… curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. As if he could’ve ever been satisfied with this outcome. As if he could’ve been satisfied with this… his own heart ached. He had never been one to realise his feelings on the get-go, always blushing after his sweet talks yet this was the one time, that he wished he would’ve realised it earlier. If this was a bishoujo game, it would’ve been ‘END GAME’ for Sakura with the happy ending with him having the ‘BAD END’. This was… the worst end he had ever received.

[shelleyseale]

12 Days of Giving: The Gift of Nature Through the Japanese Art of Forest Bathing

This is the first in our special "12 Days of Giving" series running for the holiday season. It's a little different from what you might think of as traditional presents or giving. We aren't really talking about stuff you buy or a gift list. Rather, on these 12 days, we will be talking about different gifts that you can give to yourself, or others — gifts that have a deeper meaning, that can help you live with intention, be happier, be healthier. Soul gifts, you might even call them. Join us on the journey. The Gift of Nature: Connecting with the Natural World Through the Japanese Art of Forest Bathing

It's that moment when you step away from the man-made world and into the natural one, that your senses seem to heighten, your body's stress levels lower, and your mind's always-churning to-do list begins to quiet. Whether  it's a five-minute walk through your local park or sit in your own backyard, a miles-long hike in a forest, or a multi-day or week camping trip: there's always that sense of peace. Relaxation. Of coming home. This, my friends, is what we were born into — the natural world. This is where we originated from, and where we are meant to be. Our ancestors had no skyscrapers, cars, shopping malls, computers. They were fully engaged with nature for everything: their food, medicine, homes, livelihood and very existence. But for most of us living in today's busy, modern society, that world seems all too far away most of the time. And so we become more and more disconnected. More harried and stressed. More tied to technology, until we're unsure if we own our devices or if they own us. There's always something else to do, to think about, somewhere else to go, another mission to accomplish. But sometimes, we need to just slow down. Don't get me wrong here — I'm no hard-core outdoors type of person. Don't think I'm coming to you as one of those bad-asses who runs marathons or wild camps in the remote wilderness. My idea of camping firmly includes hot, running water, a comfortable sleeping spot, and wine. At the same time, I connect with nature at a primal level, and on a regular basis. We all do. But if you're anything like me, it's not nearly enough. You may sometimes wonder, like I do, how we can more easily disconnect for an hour, even, and let the healing, calming force of nature root us down again.

Welcome to shinrin-yoku, a Japanese tradition that is loosely defined as "forest bathing." I was introduced to this concept a couple of weeks ago — I had never heard the term before. What is this forest bathing, I wondered. Is it some kind of weird ritual where I have to go in the woods and jump in a river or unclothe and roll around in the grass or something? It sounded a little hippy-dippy, to be honest — but I'm kind of a granola, hippy-dippy kinda girl and always interested to learn something new. So, I was intrigued. Shinrin-yoku, forest bathing, as it turns out is simply this: a full sensory immersion in the beauty and wonder of nature.

It's experiencing nature with all your senses — not just seeing it, or touching it as you walk through it, but hearing it, smelling it, even tasting it. A raindrop on your tongue. The way a stream sounds as it gurgles over the rocks beside you. That hint of pine in the air as you enter a stand of conifer trees. It's letting nature wash over you. Rooted in the ancient Japanese reverence for nature, the practice of shinrin-yoku was started in Japan in the early 1980s, as a program to try and get the overworked citizens of Tokyo and other large cities to leave the urban areas for short periods of time, to spend some quiet, healing time in a nearby forest. Today, there are many designated shinrin-yoku forest and trails throughout Japan, and hundreds of thousands of people immerse themselves in them each year — taking advantage of the way nature restores mental equilibrium and physical health.

Melanie Choukas-Bradley I learned all of this from Melanie Choukas-Bradley, a Certified Nature and Forest Therapy Guide. Based out of Washington, D.C., Melanie has traveled throughout Japan participating in forest bathing walks led by shinrin-yoku guides; and she's the author of The Joy of Forest Bathing: Reconnect With Wild Places & Rejuvenate Your Life. I was invited on a forest bathing walk led by her, taking place at YMCA's Camp Moody in Buda, Texas, just south of where I live in Austin. I arrived at Camp Moody that morning with an eagerness to learn more about this practice, connect with nature and explore something new. Melanie, who had what she calls a "free-range childhood," writes in her book that most of us have very early, strong memories of experiences with nature. For her, it was the first time she saw a perfect snowflake. I was walking home from school on a path through the woods when a single snow crystal landed on a flat, dark rock in front of me. I knelt down and watched more snowflakes fall from the sky and land on the rock, each one perfect, each one unique, but perhaps none as perfect as the first. The dream-like quality of the snowflake memory is much like my other childhood memories of nature enchantment: finding the first woodland wildflowers just after snow melt in the spring; lying on a bed of moss and looking up into the leafy branches of a white birch tree; diving into a cold ocean wave and then burying myself in the warm sand. Childhood nature memories can easily be called up by a specific fragrance, a sound, a sight, or a general feeling of well-being. Melanie was there to greet our small group of about eight at the main pavilion of the camp, which is pretty much undeveloped land right now — seeming to make it a perfect location for forest bathing. Camp Moody is an 85-acre multi-use site for day and overnight camps, group events, retreats and outdoor education. Nestled along Onion Creek and scenic limestone bluffs, the YMCA has big plans for some really cool development of the property that was donated by George Yonge in 1999, which includes cabins, dining and recreational facilities to fit in with the natural world around it.

Photo courtesy of YMCA Camp Moody Megan Arnold with the YMCA said that the goal of Camp Moody is to connect families to nature. "With kids being connected to technology about seven-and-a-half hours per day, we're raising a generation that isn't connected to nature," she said. "They might not care about preservation, our national parks, etc. We want to change that." In keeping with the Y mission, they are also making sure Camp Moody is accessible to all, financially, geographically and physical ability-wise.

Before we began the walk, Melanie set our expectations. "This isn't going to be a vigorous, aerobic 'hike,'" she said. "It isn't goal-oriented; the point is to go slow, to take it all in, to be aware of the surroundings and discover the nature around us." What she was saying reminded me of what John Muir said about hiking: "I don't like either the word or the thing. People ought to saunter in the mountains - not hike! Do you know the origin of that word 'saunter?' It's a beautiful word. Away back in the Middle Ages people used to go on pilgrimages to the Holy Land, and when people in the villages through which they passed asked where they were going, they would reply, 'A la sainte terre — To the Holy Land.' And so they became known as sainte-terre-ers, or saunterers. Now these mountains are our Holy Land, and we ought to saunter through them reverently, not 'hike' through them." ~John Muir And so we set out on our "saunter" — or rather, our forest bathing, a notion that I suspect that John Muir would have liked a great deal. Melanie invited us to walk in silence, to just enjoy the peace of nature and use all our sense to take it in as we moved through it. After a few minutes we reached the banks of a gurgling creek and paused for the first of her invitations. As we moved along our walk through nature, Melanie would issue an invitation for us to choose to take or leave. Listen to what you hear; notice what is moving around you; choose something that speaks to you. Every so often we would stop, and each person could share with the group if they so chose. At one spot down by a small running stream, we took a longer pause to find our own little spot and spend silent time immersing ourselves in the forest. The water running over the rocks was so soothing, and already — after less than half an hour in nature — I was feeling gloriously, refreshingly disconnected from the outside world. It would all still be waiting for me when I got back to it. so there was no need to do anything except be fully present in this moment. To enjoy the feeling of being once again primally connected to the earth and where we came from, and away from the hustle-and-bustle of modern life. I listened to the water, breathed in the clear air deeply, and became intrigued with a fuzzy caterpillar making its way over leaf by leaf in the little stream. Melanie had told us a little about the mountains of research that has shown what a real, measurable positive effect time spent in nature has on us. It's been proven to lower our blood pressure, pulse rates and cortisol levels; increase heart rate variability (this is a good thing!); and improve mood. As her book on forest bathing says, plants generate compounds called phytoncides to protect themselves from pathogens, and when we are in nature, these same airborne phytoncides that we breath in may even help protect our human bodies in ways that could increase our immunity to things like cancer and other diseases. The physical, mental and emotional health benefits of time spent in nature have been corroborated by researchers in North America, the U.K., Europe, China and South Korea. I believed it. I felt it. As our walk came to an end, we gathered in a clearing to enjoy a tea ceremony, and one of our group read the very appropriate poem, Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver. You can start your own forest bathing practice in your own adopted “wild home,” encompassed in three steps: 1. Disengagement from your daily routine 2. Deep breathing and nature connection through a series of quiet activities or “invitations” 3. Transitioning back to your daily life This restorative activity can be enjoyed by people of all ages and abilities: children, teenagers, and even senior citizens with limited mobility and people recovering from illness and surgery. And you don’t need to travel to the Japanese alps to experience the benefits of forest bathing. All you need is a small patch of untouched (or lightly touched) nature to adopt as your “wild home.”

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