anastasiana

[anastasiana]

sis tired

i am an introvert and as i grow older, i am particular about how and with whom i would prefer to spend my time.

as a mother of 4 children, the answer is quite straight forward that i would prefer to spend time with my kids. they grow so fast during primary school years that you have to always be there to ensure they are stable mentally and emotionally.

and then when i need a break from my motherly duties, i would prefer to seek the company of friends whom i am close to or just time to myself.

in my working experience, i do not have unfortunately, a group of close colleagues. my definition of close would be i am willing to sacrifice my time with my kids to go out with them. i sometimes wonder if the attachment of work to that individual makes it impossible to have that kind of close relationship. but as time goes by i think it is actually an age factor and how comfortable you are with that person. it also takes time to build and i have not stayed someplace long enough to foster such a strong relationship.

i also avoid pple who would make me tired just by being in their company as i need to match my energy levels with them? i prefer to be in a group setting where i can just be an observer and chime in only when necessary. a week before my period, i noticed that i just rather not interact with anyone. my walls will be built up and id rather be in a cocoon of solitude.

it is also important to note, the importance of only having necessary talks to avoid unnecessary sins. ive recently learnt that as a working Muslim woman, it is important to be mindful of how we behave in public as we are in a way, representing the house we come from, and thus indirectly, our husband. we are not required to work, as the Muslim men holds that responsibility. however, if we are permitted to work, then besides being ikhlas in carrying out our duties, we should jaga adab, tata susila dari segi pergaulan dan perbuatan. most importantly, we cannot neglect our responsibilities as a mother and wife despite working.

alhamdulillah besar ganjaran seorang wanita yang bekerja untuk menampung perbelanjaan keluarga dan ikhlas melakukannya. namun, kita juga tidak boleh besar kepala dan buruk sangka jika suami kita bergaji rendah. instead, we should always pray to Allah swt to luaskan rezeki suami kita as doa seorang isteri inshaAllah akan membantu suami.

finally, kita juga tidak boleh terlalu bergantung terhadap gaji kerana at the end of the day, rezeki itu daripada Allah dan bukan manusia. this is something i'll always have difficulties to remember each time i feel like we are financially short. basically dalam Islam kita tidak boleh terlalu bergantung kepada perkara lain kecuali Allah swt. but this also does not mean we just sit and do nothing. i guess this is why, kalau kita sentiasa bersyukur, kita redha akan semua yang kita ada, kita akan lebih tenang dalam kehidupan. there have been instances when Allah swt beautifully arranges everything and when that happens, my heart will just burst with gratitude. alhamdulillah for everything.

[anastasiana]

ungrateful brats part 2

today, gave out cd pressie to one kid who was absent.

kid opened the gift and ate without permission in class. it is not break time and they will be having recess just next period.

scolded the kid and he gave me attitude. so bloody annoying. didnt even say sorry.

wait, dont think he even said thank you at first.

why, why does one bother?!

[anastasiana]

the new generation

for children's day this year, i ordered customized bookmarks for my graduating class. it is made of acrylic. on hindsight, i realised during the packing process that the bookmark can break easily.

so that was what happened 5 minutes after i gave out the gifts. one of the bookmark broke and it was of cos, by one of the students which i cant stand. i usually am patient with my students but for this one, i tried my best but i couldnt.

he thinks highly of himself. he does whatever he likes and try to maintain an innocent demeanor but i can see right through him. he is highly disrespectful and criticizes his friends, again, like he is better than anyone.

so one of the girls exposed him on the broken bookmark and i was so disappointed, i was speechless for a moment. did he apologize? of course not. he blamed his friend and claimed he broke it. omg, is this the start of an npd? narcissistic personality disorder.

to be honest, i am not comfortable talking about this either as i have my own children. the things i say about other children may jolly well happen to my own. nauzubillahiminzalik.

anw, conclusion is, budak2 sekarang betul2 tak menghargai pemberian daripada sesiapa. now as i am typing this, i realise that semasa i gave out the gifts, beberapa murid sahaja yang mengucapkan terima kasih. most of the time, when anything unpleasant happens to me during class with students, I wonder how to ensure that it wont be that way with my own children. so from now on, i need to be more mindful of the things my own children do and say and not to take things too lightly or to brush things aside as they may become bad habits that stick with them until it is too late to change.

i never knew it could affect me this much but perhaps i also care too much for those who dont deserve it. my only consolation is that inshaAllah God is All-knowing.

[anastasiana]

eye candy.

ive realised now the main feature i like in men is the eyes. the types that pierces one’s soul. and the height.

MUST be tall.

[anastasiana]

does dreaming about someone means tt person has been in your thoughts or always in your thoughts?

this will remain a mystery.

i sometimes have dreams involving a colleague. and in the dreams we always talk and have a gd time together.

but in real life, it is not the same at all. mcm langit dgn bumi. we used to chat a lil and work together for projects but all we can afford now is the occasional corridor hyes and byes.

[anastasiana]

it is eiduladha and my dad decided to hold an open house in jb. despite realising tt many could not make it, the open house proceeded.

i felt bad for him as i know he still expected many to turn up, even at the last minute but no one did. i think our suprise visitor was pak busu’s family, whom we only invited a day before and they made time. it goes to show the effort one can make. nak seribu daya tak hendak seribu dalih.

it was personally difficult for me looking at all the leftover food. but my role in this whole experience is to ensure whatever he wanted was fulfilled. to make him happy, to be supportive. altho i have my own reservations and resentment towards the entire plan. there was certainly a lot of unnecessary spending.

i was hoping that my dad will learn frm this; to manage his expectations and not think negatively all the time. to be better prepared and plan accordingly based on attendance. more imptly, i hope he realises tt those who mattered turned up, the ones who went through the ups and downs with us. and dont bother much abt those who are constantly absent.

my Allah swt always protect u ayah, from the harmful acts of others and grant you peace as you go thru this stage in life.

[anastasiana]

the reason i keep going every day even when things are tough is due to my children.

i know im not the best mom out there but possibly im the best mom for them. in Allah swt i seek His guidance that il always do what is right and fight for their wellbeing, to be given the instincts when sth is not right.

ramadhan this year we have been tested in health but alhamdulillah moving forward i shall always push thru. set or push aside all weakness, laziness and selfishness.

love my 4 precious darlings so so much. semoga membesar menjadi soleh solehah. amin amin. 💙

[anastasiana]

i used to be afraid, unsure and desperate. i didnt want to hurt you.

but now i no longer care cos i cant change how you feel. and i am certain i didnt do anything wrong. yet i am made to feel tt way. it is enough. im fine now. i am at peace. 🩵💙

[anastasiana]

there is this incredible feeling of anger or disappointment or a cross between the 2 that i always feel whenever i wait for grizzly.

I havent had this feeling for so long because i have been driving and moving to places by myself. im questioning my life decisions today just by standing here for the past 45 mins. i wanted to avoid carpark charges and also not sure if i have the time to park at the workshop venue such that i arranged for this entire day.

reali regretting it. i might pay $6 but perhaps i couldve saved an hr. which is more valuable?

[anastasiana]

i met a close friend unexpectedly yest and sth she said hit me by surprise. me being patient. it is not sth new but i guess i just got reminded of it all when it is sth ive long buried deep inside.

tbh i have sort of accepted my fate for quite some time now and it takes another in a similar predicament to understand what im going thru. idk when was the turning point as it has been like this for so long. it was most likely faith as i tell myself tt may Allah swt reward me abundantly one day or every day for every ounce of patience ive given and i have accepted and choose to believe in it. tts faith right?

i told myself that ultimately ive tried my best and tt this life is btween me and Allah swt anw, my dependancy should be towards Him and no one else. alhamdulillah also for my children as frm them i often derive strength.

the part im struggling with is actually finding the ans to this qsn: how can one lead a life without seeking barakah? it is obvious and has been discussed many friggin times but well, who am i right?

perhaps i cant understand as im not the sort who constantly seek validation from pple who dont matter while ignoring those who do. i do what i can to the best of my abilities and whatever positive consequences that come my way are simply motivation to keep pressing on.

it is not easy. and it gets tiring as well as lonely. but faith. it keeps me going.

who knows one day im so numb i finally decide to let it all go.

[anastasiana]

i felt slightly upset a few days back to know tt a fellow colleague got nominated for an award at work. it baffled me because whatever she has done, i have also done. in fact, i could argue i have done more if based on the work we give for the department.

perhaps if truly she has done more in other areas which i am not a part of then i would certainly take a step back. and trust me, i have nothing against this particular colleague. in fact, i am happy for her. i just felt tt if she was nominated based on her relationship with others, u know those in positions, then it is therefore not fair. bcos i will never ever be best friends with anyone at work. unfortunately, i just have never felt tt way for anyone before.

not only tt, the pple at work already have their own respective cliques. i could fit in nowhere. honestly im fine with it because it is tiring to be someone who has to be somebody at this time and age.

at the same time, i also felt tt this is what rezeki is abt and if it was meant for me, it would be regardless who im friends with. and if not, who knows another door opens for me elsewhere and at the end of the day this award is not worth it aft all. it could also be tt im truly not great actually and ive not done enough to put myself out there. but all ive done is frm my heart and the best i could juggling it all so if it is still not enough i can safely say im fine and contented with what i have.

alhamdulillah for faith and i just gotta keep on going.

[anastasiana]

mmg sesuatu itu ada pasang surutnya.

tetapi kalau asyik surut, pasti harus fikirkan mengapa.

mungkin kau sebenarnya puncanya?

kerana sikap dan mulut, badan binasa.

yang di sekeliling pula merana.

#liferants

[anastasiana]

is this marriage?

sometimes i look at you and i feel love

sometimes i look at you and i feel rage

sometime i look at you and feel indifferent

will the love slowly disappears as more rage, regret and disappointment takes centre stage? or worse, it becomes like a form of tolerance and just a part of life as you age.

i wonder at times what types of feelings will be ard should there be no kids.

will we still be in love or way out of love?

[anastasiana]

grateful

so just yesterday i complained to grizzly that i came to the realization that pple dont really listen to me anymore. or has always been that way. my students just give me the impression that i do not exist or not that important enough to be given attention to or in general, ppl dont take me seriously. let’s not go thru the times when i feel like ppl think i can just be taken for granted.

it could be the low self esteem talking but it could also be true and if so, ive got to be able to capture my audience better. we live in a world now where everyone seems to stand on a same plane and knowledge could be sought everywhere, thus who cares what one teacher thinks right?

but anw, today came this little card on my desk from a colleague whom im not even close to. we dont even do casual talk. we cross each other’s path and say hi would be it. but that lil card does provide some kind of relief and a bit of validation that somewhere out there, there is someone thinking of you. and it hits the spot when you dont feel good about yourself. for this particular colleague, she made that special effort to send this to me and im utterly touched. she could jolly well skip me, or not make the card altogether but she did and it made all the difference.

being kind truly helps. i will remember this (hence this post), and remind myself to also do the same for others. thank you Allah swt for showering me with your Love through this meaningful experience. always be grateful. always be kind.

[anastasiana]

celebrating 21. (+18) 🤭 #alhamdulillah (at La Fez Cafe & Bakery) https://www.instagram.com/p/CpXLRrrOq-d9hV5VBjKvW24JVcJeVVUISzTLcU0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[anastasiana]

this was in my mind at one point and i feel tt it is important to have it recorded:

so many times ive seen you

then i think of you… and dream of you.

sometimes i wish i never see you

because

out of sight, out of mind.

[anastasiana]

today was one of those days when i just get so baffled by actions of others. actions which qsn my own actions and made me reflect on various things.

thruout my life i have offended many people, some of which i know of but definitely many more which i do not. ideally it is always gd to know abt it but im sure certain things are just supposed to tt way. for example, do i have the courage to apologise or face a confrontation?

then came one period in life when i remind myself to always be the best version of myself. to be nicer to others, to be mindful of words said and to be more sensitive as what you think is unhurtful, could be truly hurtful to someone else. i may not have realised this at various times in my life and thus made pple feel a certain way abt me.

to these ppl whom i know may not even read this, i truly do apologise. and if it better for you tt i do not exist, i have accepted tt and will be out of your way.