#but now there's so many that it gives me anxiety just looking at the inbox icon sdjklflasfjg

[blommp717]

i guess you don’t answer anymore but i’m hoping you at least read this because it’s genuine and i feel like i have nowhere else to post this. i just want someone to hear me. ignore this if it’s too long. i want to thank you for your posts. they are the only writings that have truly resonated with me ever since i discovered the law, neville, states, being, whatever we call this thing. but i’ll be honest i’m giving up today. i discovered the ‘law of attraction’ in 2019 when i was 18 years old. it is now getting to the last quarter of 2024 and i am 23 where i’ve evolved in understanding to where i found ‘nondualism’. i went from law of attraction -> law of assumption & neville goddard -> robotic affirming -> mindset fixing & joe dispensa -> states & edward art -> nondualism. however… i have never manifested a single thing in my life. i used to be filled with anxiety when i said this. fearing these words would cause it to keep going on but i don’t even want to fear anymore. it’s just the truth. your posts taught me that i don’t have to fear my words anymore anyways. i’ve had a dream for a long time. i don’t believe i will ever reach this dream anymore. along with that dream i also just really wanted good for my family and i. you know the basics like financial freedom, happiness, mended relationships. but throughout everything i’ve learned i could never make it work and i’m just done. i guess i will return to living a normal life and just hoping i make it. i hope i find happiness or just.. anything. i’m just letting go of it all because i feel like things shouldn’t be this hard. even going to caleb’s channel and watching his recent ‘your manifestation isn’t taking long, you are’ video…. i’m just… exhausted. i just dont know how to do this and i don’t think i can take life anymore anyways. but yeah i just wanted to say thank you. even though i could never find success, you taught me who I Am. and i’ll forever be grateful for your wisdom even though you’re a bit younger than me. i hope you find continued success and live a happy life. sincerely

THIS IS JUST THE FIRST PART TO THE HUGE POST, PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME

After what felt like months away from tumblr I really dove into self-inquiry fully, and of course still am, and I promised you guys a mega post so here’s the initial information so far. There is more to come.

IM SORRY IF THERE ARE ERRORS IN GRAMMAR OR SMTH I WROTE THIS AT MANY DIFFERENT MOMENTS THROUGHOUT THE DAY!! FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS, ETC BUT PLS DONT ASK BY RESPONDING TO THIS POST, ITLL CAUSE SO MUCH SPAM ON THE FEED AND MY ASKS PAGE

Hello! Yes I have started looking back into my inbox (THERE ALLOT OF ASKS 😭😭🫶) but I absolutely plan on answering as many as possible, and because your post resonated with how I used to feel, I want to answer yours first.

So to begin with, It makes me so happy to know that what I’ve written has some kind of affect (that being positive). I can’t remember if I told you guys how old I was but I must have cus you seem to know 😭😭, yes I’m 19 we’re very close in age, this moment in life is when allot of us who figure out this stuff lean into it more because we realize how much of a leg up we have if we just “apply” the teachings this early on.

So first what I want to say to you is, no, your not giving up on a dream and neither are you going to live a normal life, I’ll make sure of that, this beautiful world that we step into gives us so much insight on what we inherently are. But I need to remind you and everyone else, this is not some big secret that has to be practiced, it’s a look at what we are and always will be. You have purpose and you deserve to be happy and enjoy a life that’s easy and fulfilling. I apologize in advance because this is going to be a pretty long post!! 🫶🫶

Let’s get rid of the labels and titles we’ve given these understandings as if they are for someone to learn and master. No one masters manifestation, no one will ever master manifestation and I truly don’t care for how many “success stories” they have, it doesn’t hold proving value of what they are (notice how I didn’t say who), we are not who’s, but that’s for later in the post.

The reason I’ve stepped away from the concept of manifesting is because it is inherently lack and separation based. No matter the teaching, they all seem to glorify the idea of getting and achieving which puts great pressure on success stories and all that rubbish. (Not me turning British) 😝😝, okay sorry, so yeah this also goes for nondualism, I don’t associate a title with what I learn, it’s not NonDualism it’s actually just self discovery in disguise of a teaching. But for this exact reason I don’t think to myself “I need to learn NonDualism better”, nononooooo I made this mistake wayyy to much due to the sole fact that I came in with the expectation that this would now teach me the secrets of manifesting. This is kind of the set up to more desire and lack, which is actually the opposite of the self-realization “journey”.

So, when you say you have never manifested anything in your life, I say this with incredible pleasure, that this is impossible, I know I know, before you start thinking to yourself that youve heard this before but I don’t think people go that in depth as to what that even means. So, your life and your problems, are not actually problems.

Self-realization is not the journey for the person to become consciousness, but to understand that you ARE consciousness to begin with. You does no reference a someone, but “ “.

This is going to be, quite a post so PLEASE hang in there. And I just want to add in, this is still not a seperate being trying to understand that it’s connected to conciousness, no, you as conciousness, infinite knowing, are so involved with the content that you appear as, you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that you are just 1 thing of the content. Let me use my first example.

We have given ourselves the greatest interpretation and key to knowing ourself, and that’s dreaming.

Every night, we sleep, HOORRAAYYYY, now let’s get into the details because this is where the magic happens and it clicks.

Take the moment before a dream appears, recognize that when the eyes are closed there’s this presence. Not the darkness, the presence. Something, but not a thing.

Stay here and forget the rest of the world exists for a moment. Now there is only this presence, it’s knowing, it’s being right? Now there’s no actual material but regardless, it is, something. This isn’t something out of this world it’s literally, you. From this, knowing or no-thingness, comes expressions, absolutely infinite potential, this is registered as a dream, but, before the dream in any way can be experienced, there always has to be some type of interpreter/lens, this comes in the form a person or better yet, senses. Of course, there’s nothing to the senses or the person but whatever it’s formulated from, which was that presence/knowing. The activity of this infinite potential that is the knowing, (you asleep) appears, only with the help of a pov/sight.

Nonetheless, it plays out, it plays stories of absolutely anything, for no reason at all, and as it does, we get lost to it, it starts to become real, and without even realizing it, it’s no longer a dream but something we’re experiencing, now you are the character in the dream and you naturally play out the dialogue and storyline and explore the fields, magic towers, and laugh and dance and make friends, and then you wake up.

When you wake up, you recognize “oh, nothing was actually happening”, now of course, when your the person in the dream it is very real, but even then, is it? Knowing what you know, there wasn’t actually a place with dialogue, no character of its own experience or life, no actual forests or fields and magic, no one actually laughing and dancing or friends, but simply the appearance of that. The illusion.

And it’s not that it’s only a formulation of you when you realize it is, but it always is, the dream doesn’t only become an illusion or “fake” when you wake up, it’s naturally just fake, REGARDLESS of how it seems to be. And regardless we sleep every night knowing that we’ll forget it’s a dream.

So I think you can see where I’m headed with this, I’m going to use the example Rupert Spira uses but twist it a bit.

You go to sleep in Australia and dream yourself in the streets of Paris, and you take on the identity of John, you don’t actually become John and experience the streets of Paris.

Now, John drinks coffee and he feels the sunlight warm his skin, sees the greenery, feels the wind, all of it. But despite the way it all seems the sunlight, the sensations that John has, is not actually real, and neither is John. John isn’t actually feeling anything, he doesn’t exist and there is no Paris being traveled. And it’s not John that realizes/awakens to the understanding that he’s fake and this is all a dream, it’s you, asleep in Australia that realizes it as you modulate/formulate as the streets of Paris, the coffee, and the greenery, and John, understand?

The activity of that presence, if you recall when we talked about closing your eyes, formulated as something that seemed so real, and that doesn’t give any reality to the dream itself, because there is no separating the knowing from the content known. Without the “space” for it to appear or form from, how on earth would there be the content? A bigger step forward is to realize that there isn’t even an actual dream occurring but it’s all the self knowing presence of, well, knowing. I want to add something very important before moving on.

Knowing does not happen for the purpose of pleasure, we naturally deconstruct false ideas like this as we go, but something you MUST understand about the nature of existence is, none of this is appearing for the purpose of ant experience, there isn’t actually an experience. No one is enjoying nor hating the illusion, it is simply an appearance.

In the same way that the aware/presence before the dream appears from it simply is, in this way, we are. It’s like saying the TV screen plays a movie and experiences it, or does it for the purpose of experience, no that’s silly, knowing has no inherent motive, it is, you (infinite knowing) don’t “happen” for a purpose, never mind happen at all, you are, and in this do you take form of something, your self aware nature of course knows the content of your own being, but that doesn’t mean the illusion can enjoy itself, or that you enjoy or experience the illusion, it’s just a plain appearance, and that’s it.

For example, when you close your eyes on this next demonstration, truly try to grasp the essence of what I’m trying to explain.

Bring from the nothingness/knowing when you close your eyes, a blue vase, know it in every aspect you can, incorporate every sense you can (even taste if your a little freaky 🫦🫦😭) and make it as present as possible. After you open your eyes I have a question for you. (I’m serious, do the damn practice it’ll help you) please take as much time you need to truly get in there (not too long I can’t wait all day)

okay hey, your back, now answer me this, from what did this immersive appearance take reality from? You and I know that there’s no actual vase despite its presence, no matter the vibrant or dull colors, no matter the feel, rough or glossy, its taste 🫦😭, its feel, etc. So what was the substance that formulated this? If you guessed knowing, your soooooo correct, if you didn’t it’s okay you get brownie points 🫶. But yes, now I need you to understand this verrrry clearly, the vase was not real!!!! Yet it appeared that way! This is AN ILLUSION SURPIRISISIEIEIEIEIEIEISISBWHH- yes. No matter how much you want to convince yourself and go back to the vase and its appearance and its feel or colors or any aspect of it, it wasn’t ACTUALLY happening and that means it didn’t take place for anyone or anywhere!!! All there was present was knowing, from knowing forms vase and every seemingly alternate way that it is known, feeling is a form of knowing, literally every sense is just a form of knowing. Every sense that was “used” to understand the vase was all just aspects and appearances of knowing, the color, the sounds, the taste, the feels, they didn’t formulate anywhere else, but nonetheless appeared as immersive and real because YOU BECAME FOCUSED ON THE CONTENT OF THE APPEARANCE RATHER THAN RECOGNIZE THAT IT WAS JUST APPEARANCE. And even though the content of the appearance you formed as became the focus, it still didn’t change the objective fact that there wasn’t someone actually there and experiencing it in any way.

The knowing in/on which appearances formulate is not something different than the appearance, there is nothing to the illusion but its reality, and its reality is knowing. In this way, the illusion couldn’t even be described as something real or taking place, as if it could exist apart from the source of it.

Knowing this is also knowing there is no such thing as the knowing OF, we never know of things or of experiences as if they are something seperate and exist seperatley from knowing itself, that’s literally impossible. Moving forward

You are not the person/character, and it’s not that you are a limited being and you have to wake up to the idea that you are infinite knowing, you have to realize that you were never something seperate, and that this is simply the modulation of your being, and it’s not a someone it’s more of a something.

Let’s starts stabilizing this.

To all of the experiences across centuries, theres one constant amongst the billions of people who’ve lived and are now and that is, I Am. We might not know for certain about anything else ever in this entire universe, and we might not even know who or what we are but for a fact we can say, yes, I am.

There’s no true word that can describe the infinite essence of being, so we use knowing or conciousness or god, all completely the same.

So, to every experience, without an ounce of doubt, there can be the claim, I am. This is knowing, and only from knowing comes the statement, because we must know we are in order to claim that we are. I think something that can capture this is a newborn, imagine yourself to be newly born, mere seconds I mean, eyes closed. You have no understand of anything, no thoughts, no memories, no identity, your pure experience is simply being/knowing, and I don’t mean the action of knowing, that’s not a real thing. Knowing is inherent, you don’t force it.

Going back to experiences. Any experience that is recognized, any seeing, and hearing, tasting touching, and of course feeling, is assumed to be the experience of the body and this is therefore falsely established as “me”, in doing so, we forget our true nature of freedom and limit our understanding and abilities to the limitations of the body.

I’m now going to help you realize the body is an interpreter, and not of a world that’s happening somewhere in time and space, but that the world is the interpretation/modulation/illusion/dream/appearance of our shared infinite being, AFTER being recognized through the interpretations, (sensations and perceptions). This also means that it’s in no way an actual measurement to what you fully are.

What experience is there to seeing? Better yet let me narrow it down, there is nothing to seeing as if there is someone doing the seeing. Seeing simply is. There’s no one to do it, just what is. There is sight, how is there an acknowledgment of the sight/seeing? There must be something to it that gives the understanding “oh I’m seeing this”. (Hint, it’s the same thing that let you know, that “I Am”). Knowing, yes, not knowing as an action, that’s not real, people don’t know, knowing is the essence of what we are (we are not people). But just wait for that. So all there is to sight is knowing, and I don’t think I have to do this but you can say the same about absolutely every other sense, because every single “experience” absolutely requires knowing. Without knowing, “experience” never is, I think we can all acknowledge that.

There is no such thing as the experience of being a human, Why are we deciding that this is what’s it’s like to be humans, we know humans we acknowledge humans but there is no such thing as being a human, in the same way that there’s no true way that there is something to being a fox or a bird or a rock, it’s only with labels are these ideas decided.

The only thing you’ll be able to muster up is memories, emotions, etc, but that doesn’t make it the inherent experience of being a human. Our first and only experience of what we are is knowing, and then knowing that we are, that’s it. In the same way that a babies first experience is not “I am a baby” or “I am a human”, rather it’s just knowing. If being human was our nature, that’s all we’d recognize, and from the very beginning. Our experience does not actually change from being/knowing, we simply forget that there is the knowing, and decide to focus on the body to be “me” or “human”.

You don’t need senses to know you are. Knowing is something unimaginable. Go ahead and try to find it by closing your eyes or even with them open. Can you grab or touch the knowing. Can you recognize its dimensions or what its appearance is? How old or young is it?

Do me a favor and find the edge where knowing starts and stops.

Let me know when you find it because you never will.

Even when you try, it’s only conciousness itself that searches for its own parameters.

By recognizing that your truly not the body, or this person you as knowing have pretended to become, the made up problems of the person disappear, well actually, you realize that there is no person that has problems, only an idea. Only the idea that I am someone and something is happening to me, I am something seperate and need saving. There isn’t actually a seperate self, the seperate self is the activity that you as knowing are, when you become involved with the content and forget your true nature. And what’s truly the main takeaway from this is that, even when it seems like you’ve lost it and now you have to restart and understand it all over again, you as knowing haven’t gone anywhere, your the one pretending to be something lost, and not on purpose, but because you involve yourself too heavily in the appearances without recognizing where they originate from.

From what we know so far, I hope in some way you’re able to recognize that there is no one doing manifestations and having success stories. You ARE the manifestation and it will NEVER be any other way, whether we recognize it or not, that’s the beauty. So no matter if we go on about this appearance of life and say we don’t get it and move on, you as conciousness will continue to play the roles, because there is no off switch to this.

I’m hope this has been able to start untying the blinds over your “eyes” and you’re starting to somewhat understand the truth of what you/we are. This is only the beginning and it’s only going to get more incredible and beautiful from here. But for now I’m shleeepy hehehe, I’ll talk to you soon, never ever give up on your dreams!!!! 🫶❤️❤️

[featherandferns]

fascinating new thing : where are they now?

jj maybank x shy!kook!reader | see these inbox messages for points of inspiration: 1 2 3

word count: 2k.

read fascinating new thing | Thank you so so much for 1000 followers!!! Since starting this blog in May of 2023, I have written so many characters and storylines. I get so many lovely anon messages telling me about their favourite universes and wondering what happens next after my fics have ended. So, I thought to celebrate 1000 followers, I’d indulge. Here’s the (current) where are they now for all of my fics so far…

It’s times like these - standing on an obnoxiously over-sized stage, staring out at more people than you can count who have been screaming your name and your lyrics for the past two hours - when your life feels particularly surreal. You wonder if you’ll ever get used to the feeling of hearing your songs on the radio, or seeing someone break down in tears in the front row of your gig, or scrolling through Twitter and Instagram to find fan-edits galore. Maybe it would be the same as the anxiety, which shrunk just the smallest amount with every show.

Despite your crippling social skills, you never feared the stage. It was the only place where you felt truly comfortable in yourself. You were sure that it helped having Pansy by your side, even now. Whenever you feel yourself slipping away, you’d grapple at the microphone with one hand as if it were a buoy and you were floating helplessly in the middle of the sea, and then you’d look to Pansy. Her wildness from youth hasn't disappeared despite the years and fame. She grins at you just the same as always. Celebrates every concert and every milestone with the same fever that she did when you first played at the Wreck. 

As you neared your twenty-second birthday, you had three official albums released into the world. The latest had made the Billboard charts. Whilst the lyrics flourished, and the production improved, and the vocality developed, one thing stayed the same: JJ was almost always at the forefront of your mind. 

The fans were almost as obsessed with JJ as you. You were gobsmacked the first time you saw some ‘stalker pics’ of the two of you on a date. Whenever he’d make it to one of your shows (which he always tried to do), the fans would have eagle vision and try to spot him. Gauge his reactions and document his pride. And, boy, was he proud. He showed you off like a diamond ring; boasted about you at work and at the surf break. Brought you up in any and all conversations (at least according to the Pogues). One video in particular went viral. Some paparazzi guy had caught him in the street when he was running errands in Kildare. It still felt bizarre to have paparazzi chasing you and your loved ones down. They asked him what he thought of the songs on your latest album. In the video, JJ pushed his sunglasses up onto his head, smirking. They’re all about me, man: what’s not to like about it.  

After seeing the overwhelming positive reaction to you and your boyfriend, you’d started to acknowledge him openly at shows. It wasn’t that you hadn’t taken notice of him before. He was always there - calming you down before and grounding you after - and you always sought him out. Couldn’t settle until you knew where he was. But now, instead of a fleeting glance and a shy smile, you would point him out. Slyly giving a nod to him when announcing the next song: this one’s about a certain someone - you know who you are. The fans ate it up but more importantly, JJ loved it. 

And whilst having thousands of random strangers screaming your songs at you was an insurmountable feeling that you couldn’t ever place into words, it would never top the experience of singing your songs to JJ. He heard them first. Every single one. 

“Come on then,” JJ says, flopping beside you on the sofa. Despite all the money you’d garnered, the two of you stayed in the Cut on Kildare. You always preferred it over Figure Eight. “Let’s hear it.”

“It’s not done yet,” you tell him as you tune your acoustic guitar. 

JJ stuffs another one of your home baked cookies into his mouth with a roll of his eyes. “Like I’d care.”

You smile bashfully at that. You sometimes wondered if JJ was as happy for you as he seemed to be. The fame and money and attention on you hadn’t changed you - at least you didn’t think it had - but it had changed the world around you. That was out of your control. What people said about you, about him, about your relationship and your life together - you didn’t have any control over that. Your schedule became busy with studio sessions and meetings and practice and touring. Hell, there were already musings of doing a tour in Europe next year. You imagined it to be a lot for JJ; would be enough to build resentment in Mother Teresa. But he begged to hear your songs. Tagged along to rehearsals and snuck into the studio. Made it to as many concerts as his job allowed. 

Besides, it wasn’t like JJ was without fame. Himself and the Pogues had found El Do-freaking-rado whilst you and The Wallflowers had been gaining traction. Now he had his dream surf shop which kept him occupied. The financial stability that your combined enterprises allowed meant life was easy to enjoy. And enjoy it, you did. 

You take a tentative strum of the guitar strings, clearing your throat and mind. Glancing down to watch your fingers take placement for the first chord, you begin to play the melody. You could feel JJ’s gaze on you, steady and unwavering, and despite your long-standing relationship, it still made you feel as giddy as the first night at The Wreck. 

“We could leave the Christmas lights up ���til January…”

You begin to sing. Hesitant at first (as if you’d never played for him before), then confident as the song went on. The lyrics which were still in the scaffolding stages were replaced with half-formed words in melodic hums. You could see JJ’s foot tapping along to the beat in your peripheral vision and it made you smile, serene and sweet, safe in the bubble the two of you had created in the two bedroomed house by the marsh. 

“Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Forever and ever. Take me out and take me home.”

Looking up at him, you find his smile mirrors yours. The emotion in his eyes is saved only for you. You get his wildness, his mood swings, his recklessness, his devotion and his love. You get all of him. 

“You’re my, my, my, my…Lover.”

JJ chuckles at that, clearly flustered. Again, after all these years, you can’t believe you of all people have that effect on him. You continue the song, giggling as you trip over a chord, lost in his gaze, heart thrumming happily. He plays into some lyrics, twisting the amorous moment into the most magical of lights. 

“You’ll save all your dirtiest jokes me for me.” 

JJ smiles proudly, crossing his heart as if making a promise. You manage the next line out through your laughter. 

“And at every table, I’ll save you a seat. Lover…”

You conclude the song with a final, definitive strum. JJ erupts into applause, whooping and hollering like he was at a Red Sox game or something. You laugh, bashful, and unhook your guitar from around you. 

“Best damn song you’ve ever written!”

“You say that about all the songs,” you reply, brushing off his compliment. Yes, it seems JJ’s so-called lifelong venture of getting you to accept a compliment was still underway. 

“That going on the new album?” JJ asks. He leans forward to the coffee table, passing your half-full glass of wine to you. 

You nod. “We’re working on the track-list now, actually.”

“You gonna sneak that song in there about Kiara and Pansy?”

“I think Pansy would kill me if I didn’t,” you reply back, making JJ laugh. He nods, making a face of ‘yeah, you’re probably right there’ and sips his beer.

Pansy and Kie hooking up didn’t catch anyone by surprise. It was sweet seeing them so loved up. So, you broke your tradition of writing songs purely about JJ for her. In fact, you’d been branching out more and more, writing about other people and other things. Mike and his now ex-girlfriend, and the world’s messiest break-up, were the basis to one of your best selling tracks: We Are Never Getting Back Together. The sudden rise to fame and all the prying eyes and ears that came with it was inspiration to another from the same album: Nothing New. And now Kie and Pansy, with It’s Nice to Have a Friend.  

Carefully leaning your guitar against the sofa, you place your wine down and shuffle to cuddle into JJ’s hold. His fingers leisurely stroke your hairline, teasing at your hair. No matter the money, he wore the same cologne. He’d tried fancier but after you admitted that it didn’t smell like him somehow, he went back to the old, cheap stuff. 

“I’m real proud of you, y’know?” 

“I know,” you mumble, smiling into his t-shirt. 

“And I’m always gonna be here for you, right? Through the good and the bad?”

“Yeah, I know,” you reply, a little worried as to where this was coming from. 

JJ takes in a breath. It sounds almost anxious and tense. Then, he’s shuffling around, digging for something in his back pocket, and you’re left with no choice but to move off him. Sitting back on your haunches, you watch him with furrowed brows. They knit tighter when he lowers himself onto the wooden floorboards. And then all of a sudden, in the cosy, lamp-lit living room of your shared home, you watch the literal man of your childhood dreams reveal a black velvet box. 

He swallows thickly. His fingers shake as he struggles to open the box. Looking up at you, anxiety swimming in his eyes (which were the inspiration to countless songs), JJ gives a mousy smile. He breathes out your name like reading an ancient, honourable scripture. Tears brim your eyes. A hand lifts to your gaping mouth. 

“I have been in love with you from the minute I saw you singing at The Wreck, back when we were sixteen. For whatever God damn reason, you gave me - a broke-ass idiot from the Cut with about two-dollars to my name and a pretty bad reputation - a chance. And you changed my life forever. Honestly, I don’t know what my life would feel like without you. I hope I never do, really, cause you’re everything I’ve ever wanted.  I mean, when you find a girl who writes songs about you, you kinda have to stick around, right?” 

You give a soggy laugh, sniffling and barely nodding. 

JJ grins, chuckling through his nerves. 

“So, I guess…Will you marry me?”

Tongue-tied like always, you struggle to find the words. No, not words. One word. One very important word. So, you nod frantically. And finally, it comes. 

“Yes,” you choke. “Yes! Yes!”

You’re worried you sound a little pushy, tentatively tagging on, “please.”

JJ barks out a laugh. He wipes at his eyes, mumbling about how he wasn’t going to be a sap, and takes the ring from its cushion. You hold out a quivering hand and let him slot it on. 

“Sorry. ‘M kinda clammy,” you mumble. 

JJ sniffs and laughs and nods. “S’fine, baby.”

You admire the ring in all its glory. Despite his El-Dorado success, the ring isn’t over the top. It’s exactly what you dreamed it to be. Beautiful in its simplicity. Understated and classy. You launch yourself at JJ. He catches you with a laugh, somehow keeping his balance, and embraces you like you might float away. God, you feel like you could. Everything in life is so perfect. Your band, your fame, your talent and your partner: it’s just perfect. 

Pressing your lips to his, you can't keep the joyful tears from falling. JJ cradles your face when you break apart, staring deeply into your eyes in a way that would have fifteen-year-old you crippled and crying on the floor. 

“I’ll marry you, JJ Maybank.”

[halsteadlover]

My Warrior

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Pregnant!Reader.

• Requested by anon: Hello! I was wondering if you could do a Jay x pregnant!Reader where she's like in labor but has some complications and almost dies but at the end she is saved ? And Jay is al worried but then he becomes a softy with her being happy 'bout having his daughter/son with them? Angs/fluff, just do it if you want to, if not s'okay.

• Warnings: mention of blood, birth, tiny bit of swearing.

• Word count: 3951.

• A/N: first of all I want to apologize for any grammar error and I’m aware that medically speaking there will be many mistakes but I was too lazy to search it up so bear with me 💀 I hope you’ll like it anyways, comment, like and reblog if you want, it’d be amazing. Thank you for everything and your constant support. I love you all, my inbox is always open if you want to even just talk ❤️

“Jay I think my water just broke.”

From the moment these words came out of your mouth panic set in and if the contractions weren't so painful, you probably would have laughed at the way Jay was running back and forth around the house looking for the bag he had preemptively packed weeks and weeks before.

“Baby where's the bag? Did you see it? I swear I left it here in the bedroom… Oh my god, oh god…” he kept rambling, opening every closet door, even checking under the bed and behind the door.

You approached him just as the contractions stopped and grabbed his arm. “Baby just take it easy, everything will be fine.”

He nodded and took deep breaths as you did so, while you tried not to chuckle. “Okay, okay, I'm fine. Everything will be fine. I’m sorry love, I should be calming you now, how are you feeling now?”.

At the exact moment those words left his lips, a rather intense and painful contraction made you lean forward, your hand squeezing Jay's arm tightly.

“Oh fuck…” you mumbled, eyes closed in pain.

“We’re going to Med's baby, okay? It's okay, it's okay,” Jay whispered, patting your back in comfort but worried sick. He tried to stay as calm as possible, not to go crazy even though he was a complete mess. He couldn't let his emotions get the better of him, you were about to give birth to his child and besides the excruciating pain of the contractions you didn't need to deal with his nervousness.

They prepared you for the childbirth’s pain, how intense the contractions would be, but no pre-natal course, manual or blog would ever really prepare you for how much pain you would have to go through. Your screams echoed throughout the room and you kept praying to God that all that pain would end soon, you just wanted to hug your baby.

Jay never left your side for even a second nor did his hand ever leave yours. He was sitting next to you, you squeezing his hand while he caressed your back even though he figured that gesture didn't help. His stomach was twisted with anxiety, he could hardly believe he was about to finally hug his son, his baby, he couldn’t believe you were about to become a family.

“Please make it stop,” you cried desperately, writhing in the bed.

“I'm so sorry baby, I'd take all your pain if I could,” Jay replied and he meant every single word. He would really rather suffer and take all your pain than see you suffer like that. He hated you were in such an intense pain and he just couldn't do anything to make you better, he hated feeling so useless as he heard the love of his life scream in pain.

“I hate you so fucking much Jay…” you screamed “I swear you’ll never touch me with a fucking finger again!”.

“I know love, it's my fault,” he tried to humor you, stroking your hair.

“And don't say that just to make me happy! I'm not fucking stupid!” anger took over “Stupid fucking men, you have sex, come inside us and we have to suffer like this!”.

Jay tried not to laugh, biting the inside of his cheeks or he knew he’d most likely get killed. He wanted to suffer with you but he cared about his life.

The rest of Jay's team, along with his brother who had been on duty up until then, arrived a couple of hours into your labor but they figured it might not be the time to go in there all together given the way you kept cursing jay and the whole world.

“Okay Y/N here we go. Are you ready to hug your baby?” your gynecologist asked, checking the dilation of your cervix and realizing you were now ready to push.

You nodded and thought it was also time, since you had been in labor for more than twelve hours.

“Is the dad okay? He looks like he saw a ghost,” the gynecologist laughed, noting the pallor of Jay's skin.

“I'm fine, I'm fine, it's finally happening,” he murmured, more to himself than to anyone else.

“Please don't leave me,” you begged, eyes filled with tears and your hand clasped over his.

He kissed your forehead. “I won't leave you baby, don't even say that as a joke. Man, we're about to be parents.”

You nodded smiling through tears. “I'm sorry I told you I hate you, it's not true baby, I love you so much.”

“I know baby, I know,” he kissed your forehead again “I love you so much too.”

Your doctor smiled as she saw the love between you and Jay, the way you looked at each other, the way he kept holding you and comforting you.

Under indication of the doctor, you started to push as you kept thinking you had to hold on, to resist for your baby that you so wanted to hold in your arms, for the little creature you were about to give birth. But you were so exhausted, so damn tired, you didn't know if you'd make it, if you'd hold on much longer.

“Okay now stop pushing, take some deep breaths Y/N, you're doing great,” your gynecologist spoke, and you leaned exhausted into Jay's arms.

“I'm so proud of you baby, so damn proud, I could never do what you're doing,” Jay whispered, kissing your sweaty forehead. He stroked your face, brushing the sticky hair from your forehead and squeezing you like he never did before.

“I can't take it anymore Jay, I'm so tired… I can't take it…” you cried, powerless. Damn it, you never imagined childbirth was such a tiring and exhausting experience.

“Of course you can darling, you're so strong…” he whispered into your ear, kissing your cheek “You're my little warrior. I know you're tired, I know, but you'll rest soon love, one last effort and we can hug our baby okay? Take some deep breaths, can you do it for me baby?”.

You nodded, starting to take deep breaths with him.

When it came time to push again, you really thought you were going to die, a searing pain that felt like it was cutting you in two.

“Very good Y/N, you are amazing, I can see your baby’s little head, we are almost there!” the gynecologist exclaimed “A couple more pushes.”

“You're doing so well baby, I'm so proud of you, one last effort,” Jay said, staring straight ahead as he tried not to pass out at the imagine of the baby’s head coming from inside you.

There was a moment you stopped breathing when your baby was born, the moment you were waiting to hear his cry, which felt like an eternity. It was as if you began to live again when the sound of his crying echoed through the room and you never felt so relieved.

The emotion you felt the moment you first hugged him up was indescribable, a moment that would be etched in your mind for your entire life. You couldn't believe you were finally able to hold him, that he was right there in front of you, healthy and so handsome.

“Our baby,” you whispered, staring at him in awe before returning your eyes to your husband, who, on the other hand, was a walking disaster. He cried all the tears in his system, tears he didn't even know he had and he hadn't felt like this since he saw you walking down the aisle when he was about to marry you.

“Our baby,” he cried, pressing his lips against yours trying to express in that kiss all his gratitude towards you, for giving him the family he had always wanted, a healthy and beautiful son, the love he felt for you.

Jay held you close, his eyes filled with love as he watched the little creature in your arms.

When it was his turn to pick him up he didn't deny he was nervous. He disinfected his hands over and over again, making sure to keep them clean and asking the nurse over and over for reassurance about how he was doing. Of course, he had taken other children in his arms but never so small and his son was so small and fragile he was afraid of accidentally hurting him.

“Hi baby,” Jay greeted his son, who was now stretching in his arms. “You are so handsome buddy, wow, you are definitely a Halstead.”

That comment made you chuckle even though you still felt very weak. You kept watching Jay cuddle your baby in silence until suddenly you broke into a cold sweat.

You brought a hand to your chest, your heart beating so fast it felt like it was about to stop at any moment. You could feel the shortness of breath, your chest rose and fell quickly in an attempt to fill your lungs with air but failing miserably.

Sharp pains ran through your uterus and you couldn't explain why. You were sure what was happening wasn’t normal.

“Jay…” you called him, but your voice was too soft for anyone to hear.

“Y/N? Are you okay? Hey!” Will exclaimed as he looked back at you and noticing the way you were breathing heavily and writhing on the bed. Jay immediately turned to you and his heart nearly stopped in his chest as he saw the state you were in.

Will immediately called for help and nurses quickly arrived, picking up the newborn as Jay was no longer able to hold him.

“What the fuck is going on?! Y/N! Baby!” exclaimed Jay, approaching you but a nurse prevented him, trying to keep him at bay. “Let me go! She's wife! What the hell is going on?!” Jay kept exclaiming loudly.

Will had placed an oxygen mask over your face to help you breathe and his eyes widened as he noticed the huge pool of blood at your belly.

“Call the OR immediately and warn Rhodes we're on our way!” Will ordered under the gaze of his brother who continued to yell at the nurse who prevented him from approaching you.

“Where is my baby?” you whispered, feeling increasingly weak and powerless.

“He's fine, he's safe,” Will reassured you.

“Jay?”.

“I'm here baby, I'm here, it's okay, just hold on for me,” Jay replied quickly and god the relief you felt to hear his voice.

Jay pushed the nurse away, almost making him fall, and ran to your bedside, immediately taking your hand and stroking your hair. “Everything will be fine baby, you'll be fine, don't you dare play tricks on me, you understand me?”.

You wanted to answer but your voice didn’t come out. The lights began to dim, the sounds and noises distant, as you began to drift into shadows and darkness.

“Y/N? Baby? Y/N!” Jay exclaimed in despair when he realized you passed out, no longer responding to any stimulus.

“Jay we need to go to the OR immediately, there's no time to waste,” Will warned after checking your pulse and realizing it was there but it was rather weak. Jay reluctantly let go of your hand and in a hurry they carried you and your bed into the operating room.

Jay walked out of the room, his eyes following you, desperate and in tears.

“Jay what is going on? Where are they taking her?” Kim asked urgently, approaching with the rest of the team when they noticed the commotion that had arisen.

“I…I…” he stammered tearfully, having no idea what the hell had just happened. He was in shock and his mind kept racing on possible scenarios.

“Jay, man, it's okay, take a deep breath,” Kevin walked over to him placing his hands on his shoulders. “What happened?”.

“They're taking her to the OR… She was fine and then she started bleeding… I… I didn't even realize she was feeling bad…” he cried, as the image of you immersed in a puddle of your own blood gasping for air gripped his mind.

“Will! Where is she? Is she okay?”.

Jay was in the waiting room with the rest of the team supporting him. Will joined him, his heart in a vise as he saw the state of anxiety and concern his brother was in.

“Rhodes is still operating her, she lost too much blood but they gave her transfusions and managed to stabilize her,” Will explained “She went into cardiac arrest but they managed to revive her.”

“What? Cardiac arrest?” Jay asked shocked. It couldn't be true, it must all be a nightmare.

How was it possible that you had just given birth to your baby and were now in the operating room fighting for your life.

���Due to the copious bleeding, her blood pressure was very low and the values plummeted. But she's stable now Jay, do you hear me? They pinpointed the source of the bleeding and stopped it.”

“But what happened? Why did she start bleeding? I swear if it was the gynecologist's fault I'll kill that bitch!” Jay exclaimed angrily.

“No Jay, it's not her fault, no one could’ve predicted it, there was a laceration of the birth canal, it's a complication that unfortunately can happen.”

Jay ran his hands over his face in frustration, feeling distract by everything that was going on. He pulled away feeling suddenly overwhelmed by events, as if he was losing every ounce of strength.

“Jay, listen to me brother,” Will joined him then placing a hand on his shoulder “Y/N is strong, she'll make it, you know she's in good hands. How about I walk you to the maternity ward to go meet little Halstead and I’ll go back to the OR? I will update you on everything that happens.”

Jay felt terribly guilty about what had happened because he felt like he had abandoned his son when he needed him instead.

“Hey little man” Jay whispered after picking up his son “I am so sorry I disappeared so suddenly but mum has been feeling unwell and I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

He tried to hold back the tears, still praying with every fiber of his being for your recovery.

“She'll be fine I'm sure, your uncle Will is with her now and he'll be back soon okay?” he kept cradling his baby gently in his arms, never taking his eyes off him for even a second.

“You and mom are my life you know that right? The best thing that ever happened to me, seriously buddy I don't know how I would’ve ended if I hadn't met your mum,” he spoke, as if little Halstead could understand him “I still remember when I first met her: it was a rather particular first meeting because it was when in a moment of distraction, at a traffic light, she rear-ended me with the car. She's always been so clumsy, I hope you don't get that from her,” he chuckled “Anyway, she had rear-ended me, she got out of the car and started apologizing furiously, wrote her name and number on a piece of paper telling me she would pay every cent of the damage. I wasn't even mad, God, she was so beautiful, the way she babbled and stuttered, I think I was captivated by her from the start. I didn't care about my car, I just wanted to see her again and that's why I called her back the next day with the excuse of an agreement. I asked her out that same day and well… the rest is history,” he smiled as his mind replayed the memories of your first date, of the first moments you spent together, “I understood right away I was going to marry that woman, that I would’ve never been able to even look at another person who wasn't her. I don't know what she did to me, but dear god, I still love her like I did many years ago and now you're here little one… Shit, I don't think I could be happier than this…”

He took a moment to look at his son, to admire the creature you and him created together..

When he met you never in his life he would’ve thought of loving someone as much as he loved you, he thought his heart would not have been able to welcome another love but, God, seeing that little angel in his arms, his son, he felt completely overwhelmed by the love that little boy only a few hours old had made him feel.

“I already love you so much buddy, more than anything in the world and I swear I will give my life to protect you and your mommy, to keep you safe from this sometimes so cruel world,” he whispered “Don't say mom I said a bad word in front of you or she'll kill me,” he giggled, sniffling as he continued to cry. “You know, you're so lucky to have a mom like her. She is the kindest, purest, most selfless person I've ever met in my life, and I already know she’ll give all of herself to make you happy. It will be a bit tough, I won't deny it, there will be misunderstandings and I ask your forgiveness for when this will happen. Parents aren't perfect, damn little man, mine were the furthest thing from perfect, but never forget we love you more than our own lives, that nothing will ever be more important than you, and that everything we do, even if you disagree with us, will be for your good. I promise I’ll try so hard to be the father that mine wasn’t for me and I’m sorry for when I’ll be wrong, I hope you’ll be able to understand my love.”

“Oh my baby I need your mom so much now…” he continued in a sigh that ended in a sob. He felt a void so deep and painful, a void only you could fill. Jay couldn't exist in a world where you weren't in, a world where he was supposed to get up in the morning and you weren't lying asleep next to him. You were the only person in the world who really knew him, who knew his secrets, his deepest fears, you were the only person who made him happy, who could understand his moods with just a glance, the only one who could pick up his pieces and put them back together when the world seemed to tear him apart.

Jay spent the next two hours with his son, feeding him with the nurses’ help while Will updated him every twenty minutes on the progress of your surgery.

“Jay,” Will called back to his brother who was sitting next to his son’s crib, “The surgery is over, everything went well.”

Jay almost had a heart attack with joy, and taken by the impetus of the moment he ran to his brother and gave him a warm hug. Will smiled and returned that hug.

“Where is she? Is she fine? When can we see her?” he asked frantically.

“You couldn't, but I know nothing and no one is going to stop you so you go but only for ten minutes, am I understood?”.

He nodded, a toothy smile plastered on his face. “I promise.”

“I'll take care of him,” Will answered the unspoken question of his brother, who kept alternating his gaze between his child and Will.

“Don't you dare leave him alone okay?”.

“Don’t you know me at all brother? Now go, I want to spend some time alone with my beautiful little nephew, I haven't had the chance to say hello yet.”

“Thank you so much Will, you’re the best.”

You tried to open your eyes but the blinding light of the room forced you to close them.

It took you some time before they got used to it while instead your mind retraced the events that happened.

You felt groggy from the anesthesia and medications so it took you a while to realize you were in a hospital room.

What happened?

I gave birth.

Where is my baby? Is he fine?

You tried to lift yourself up, failing miserably when you felt a sharp pain go through your abdomen.

“No, no, no, stay still baby don't try to get up,” you felt someone caressing your arms and a voice that you immediately recognized belonged to your husband. You turned your head towards him and it was so nice to see him again.

“What happened? Where is my baby? Tell me he's okay.”

Jay hugged you, being careful not to hurt you or put too much weight on you. “He's fine, he's with Will now,” Jay explained in a low voice “I was so scared Y/N.”

You hugged him back, inhaling his scent deeply.

“You had an uterine hemorrhage… You had a surgery…” he continued but suddenly stopped. You were about to speak when you heard a soft sob and at that point you realized he was crying.

“Hey, hey, baby, look at me,” you whispered, pulling away from the hug only to then gently place your hands on his face now streaked with tears, “I'm fine my love, everything was fine. Please don't cry.”

“I was so scared of losing you,” he whispered “I don't know what I would’ve done without you…”

You kissed him, pressing your lips against his in a kiss with which you tried to express all the love you felt for him and to calm him down.

“You will never get rid of me Mr. Halstead.”

He giggled through tears. “Don't even joking about that Mrs Halstead, I can't even imagine living in a world where you are not in. Don't ever do that to me again do you hear me? You made me worry to death.

“Okay, I'll try not to bleed out next time,” you laughed, but a twinge of pain made you stop. “Damn it hurts.”

“I'm sorry baby,” he kissed your forehead, stroking your hair as he did “You were so strong today my little warrior, try to rest now you deserve it.”

“I want to see my baby, can you bring him here?”.

“Sure love, I'll tell Will.”

You began to cry when you picked up your son, venting all the fear, tension and worry that had overwhelmed you that day. Nonetheless, however, it was worth it. All the morning sickness, the sleepless nights, the perennial back pain, the wrenching and debilitating contractions, you would’ve done it all over again just to be able to see that little face again for the first time.

After Will said goodbye and left you and Jay alone, he sat on the bed right next to you, grinning like an idiot as he saw his son's mother and his baby together. God, he couldn't have made a better choice for the mother oh his kids.

“Look at him baby, he's so handsome,” you whispered, still looking at your little boy.

Jay put an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close as he planted a kiss on the top of your head. “He got it from his mom.”

He brought his free hand close to the little ones of his child and his heart exploded with joy when that little hand grabbed his index finger, squeezing it.

“Thank you for giving me the best gift I could ever ask for, I love you so much baby,” Jay spoke softly, promising himself he would do everything in his power to return this gift and love you with everything he had but also realizing not even a lifetime would be enough to make up for the blessing you gave him. A family.

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[darkwolf76]

I am coming to your inbox as a menace asking for Deirdra angst from the hidden pregnancy prompts: "You robbed our child of a parent and me of being one."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Deidre startled, not expecting anyone in the godswood at such a late hour, especially not with the revelry of feast going on inside. He emerged from the dark like a specter. The white, greys, and silvers of his armor and cloak glowed in the dim light of the crescent moon, almost as bright as the bark of the weirwood Deidre knelt before in supplication. "Criston?" His name came out rough, heavy on her tongue after she had spent so many months gritting her teeth to prevent it from leaving her lips.

"Those children," Criston croaked. "They are not his." Deidre could not make out the expression on his shadowed face, for he would not look at her. His whole appearance seemed wretched, his black hair wild from his fingers running through it too many times. His shoulders slumped, and his head bowed towards the ground, as if he was ready to cave in on himself. He seemed to sway, unsteady, but his words held a certainty that caused Deidre's stomach to twist in anxiety and discomfort.

Should she deny it? Would it matter either way? Her hands shook as she brushed them against the red velvet of her kirtle, blood from the cut on her finger no doubt smearing on the skirt. She turned her face back to the weeping face of the heart tree for answers she knew it would not give. The silence in her mind and between them felt deafening. The gods and her knight both waited for her to speak.

She rose slowly to face him, emotions jumbled and raw. "My husband did not claim them as his. They were his father's, born around the time of his death. Lord Blackwood didn't even know they existed. We simply are caring for them."

"The Queen questioned me, a few moons back. She asked if any men had been giving you any undue attention. She said you'd been hurt, that she was trying to find answers."

His quiet words each felt like a stone in Deidre's stomach, increasing her panic and discomfort. She twisted the twin rings on her fingers. "You did not speak of us, did you? Criston, it could--"

"Would I be standing here now if I had?" His voice found more strength and volume as his head snapped up. His eyes appeared black in the night, narrowed and accusatory, a wild hint to them. "But why would she ask me such things? Why did I not hear about any of this from you?"

"You did not hurt me!" Deidre shook her head, desperation choking her. "And I did not want you to be harmed. Criston, I just wanted to keep you safe."

"So they are mine then?" His question hung in the air between them as they stared at one another. The anger in his eyes was tinged with desperation. It was the glistening of unshed tears in those eyes that freed Deidre of the hesitancy that held her voice hostage.

"They are." She felt bitterness and release to finally utter the truth to someone, a secret that she'd kept so close to her chest the past few months.

Criston dropped to his knees at her words, a sob bursting from his chest. Deidre found her feet moving forward of their own volition as she knelt next to him, her fingers twitching until they found their home again, cradling his jaw. After months of feeling cold, with only the briefest flashes of heat, she felt warmth again at the pressure of his strong, rough palm covering her hand, holding it desperately as if he was afraid she might disappear.

Tears ran freely down the stoic knight's cheeks. Deidre felt her own cheeks wet. "You should have told me," he rasped. She let out her own sob at his broken words. She shook her head, not able to respond with all the emotions and thoughts warring within her. She had so much she wanted to say to him, that she should have said to him, but none of it would come now that she had the chance.

He grabbed her, and she let him draw her in. She crumpled against his strong frame as both their bodies shook with quiet cries, and they wet the other's cheeks and hair with their tears. She curled one hand into the familiar gap between his breastplate and pauldron and ran her fingers through his hair, messing it further. His hands found their home back on her waist and in her brown curls.

The comfort of the familiar embrace settled her tears enough for her to speak again. "I wanted to keep you safe. I know better than most the price you might have had to pay if we were caught," she whispered against his chest.

He tensed, his fingers flexing at her hip as he replied. "I should have been given the choice to decide what I was willing to pay." He withdrew from her a bit so he could look down at her with a frown, a now dulled anger in his eyes. "Did I not prove enough that your love was worth the price of my white cloak?"

Deidre furrowed her brow at the accusation laid bare in his words. "You would have paid with your head Criston, not your just your cloak, and I would have still been without you in the end."

"I would not have allowed that happen." Criston shook his head, fingers tightening slightly in her hair. "Had you had faith in me, I would've found a way for us and our children."

Deidre fought the annoyance and anger stirring in her gut, for she knew Criston was still in shock, while she had had months accept the harsh reality of their situation. "We do not live in a song where love and heroes always triumph. I would not have my words be the cause of your downfall."

"Deidre, you robbed our children of a parent and me of being one!" He snapped, the anger flaring in his dark eyes. His grip on her hip became almost painful. The surprise at his sudden outburst caused her to pull against his grasp. He must have sensed her discomfort, for his hands immediately withdrew from her, as if she had burned him. He quickly stood and stepped away. "Forgive me." He bowed his head and looked away from her, flexing his hands before he offered a hand to help her up.

Deidre hesitated for a moment before accepting his help. They stood in silence, neither willing to let go but unsure if they could draw closer again. "I am sorry," Deidre whispered, sorrow blooming in her at the despair on Criston's face.

[angelst4re]

hi my lovely!! you're my favourite jamie writer, if you don't want to, you don't have to, but would you be okay writing something with jamie x y/n with vaginismus!

it's basically a form of sexual dysfunction where the vaginal muscles don't relax, regardless of how turned on you are, when penetration is attempted, so penetrative sex can be very painful or actually impossible as the muscles tighten and stop it altogether (like it is for me)

and so many fics just write y/n automatically able to have penetrative sex without much foreplay or prep beforehand, and i almost get jealous ig 😭. i would love to read smth where jamie is comforting about it (and maybe some smut with him giving you pleasure without having to have p in v sex)

thank u sm <3333

as soon as i saw this in my inbox i KNEW i had to write this!! i suffer from endometriosis and it often links with vaginismus, which i also have!! so this fic is very important to me :) and i completely agree with you and even i get almost jealous too when i read those fics haha! anyways... thank you so much!! and i hope you like the fic <33

Do You Trust Me? - Jamie Campbell Bower x Fem!Reader (with vaginismus!)

summary: it's your first time having sex with your new boyfriend...

warnings: NSFW!! contains smut! if this makes you uncomfortable then please don't read it my love <3

notes: as you may have seen at the top, i suffer from endometriosis, and it also happens to be endo awareness month right now! however, that's not what this fic is about... vaginismus is a very common condition and i don't feel like it's talked about enough, in fact i rarely ever see anyone talking about it, and it is almost never mentioned in fics :( so i hope to change this!! <3

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Jamie asks, his chest heaving as he caught his breath, his messy blonde hair hanging over his eyes, damp with sweat, sticking to his forehead as his body leaned over yours, caging you between his arms on the mattress.

“Yes,” you told him, hoping that this time it might feel a little less painful, especially after all the foreplay, “please.”

Jamie nodded his head, his lips slightly parted as he reached down between your bodies to line himself up with you. You felt your heart begin to beat faster and faster in your chest, you felt the anxiety building in your stomach as he began to push into you.

“Fuck-” He groaned, “you’re so- is this-”

“No, it’s okay. Keep going.” You told him, screwing your eyes shut and turning your face away from him.

It burnt, it stung, the pain was unbearable, but this was your first time with Jamie. You worried that you would disappoint him if you were to tell him to stop.

But then, suddenly, he stopped.

“Hey,” he took your chin and turned your face so you were looking at him, “this is hurting you, isn’t it?” He observed, quick to slip his cock out of you.

“No, no, it’s fine,” you told him, but the tears staining your cheeks told him otherwise, “you can keep going.”

Jamie shook his head, and moved to sit down beside you on the bed. You sat up too, and you felt an arm snake around your back and pulled you closer to him.

You couldn’t help but burst into tears.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” he ran his hand up and down your arm comfortingly, placing a soft kiss on your shoulder.

“It isn’t okay.” You declared, crying into his bare chest.

“Is it your first time?” He asked gently, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

“No.” You told him, “I’ve tried to do it before, but it hurts. It’s unbearable, Jamie.”

“What if I-”

“There’s nothing you can do to make it easier, not right now. It’s a condition, I’ve tried so many different things to ease the pain but it’s never worked. I’m sorry.”

“Darling, why are you apologising?” He asked, “if you think this changes my mind about you- about us- then that’s just silly!” He reassured you, and you turned your face to look up at him, a soft smile on his lips.

In every relationship you have been in, the sex is what has ruined it. It was clear to you that in the past these people had only wanted you for your body. They couldn’t deal with the fact that you didn’t want penetrative sex, and so they had left- or you had put up with the pain, but once it had gotten so bad you thought you would black out.

“Y’know,” Jamie began, and you could feel his hand creeping down your thigh, “there are plenty of other ways I can make you feel good- ways we can make eachother feel good. Do you trust me, sweetheart?”

“Of course.” You whispered, nodding your head, and you felt him smirk against your shoulder.

“Good girl.”

His hand moved closer to your inner thighs, and you gasped when you felt his fingers on your clit, rubbing teasing circles with his fingertips.

“Promise me you’ll tell me if anything hurts, if you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.”

“I promise.” You said, growing when his fingers left your clit.

He moved again, and he was in the same position as he was before, kneeling between your thighs.

You furrowed your eyebrows, wondering what on earth he was going to do.

He stroked his cock with one hand, he brought the other one up to your mouth. You let him dip his fingers into your mouth, and you danced your tongue around the digits before he pulled them back out, he then switched his hands over, but instead of slipping his fingers into your mouth again, he used his thumb to tease your clit.

He pressed the tip of his cock to your clit, and you let out a small whimper. Your slick was coating him already, and he couldn’t help but curse at the sight.

He rocked his hips, and you suddenly realised what he was doing. The length of his cock rubbed against your centre, as his soft, velvety head nudged your clit again and again, and it felt heavenly.

You threw your head back, but Jamie stopped you, telling you he wanted your eyes on him whilst he ‘fucked’ you. He then leaned down and captured your lips with his, in a hot, passionate kiss. You truly don’t think you’ve ever felt so turned on.

“Does this feel good?” He asked against your lips, teasingly. He could tell by the way your hips rutted against him, wanting more.

He applied more pressure, rubbing harder against you and your mouth fell open, a string of moans, followed by Jamie’s name, falling from your lips.

It felt like your nerve ends were on fire, you bit down on your lip as his met your neck, giving the skin sloppy kisses and gentle nibbles. You could feel the knot in your belly tightening, ready to snap and send you over the edge at any second, and you could feel his cock twitch against your centre.

“Are you close?” He asked, breathlessly.

You couldn’t answer verbally, instead you settled on nodding your head, and digging your nails into his shoulder in an attempt to ground yourself. You could feel the pleasure building and building, eventually leading to one of the most intense orgasms you had ever been given.

“Oh my g- Jamie!” You whined, throwing your head back as you came. You felt Jamie’s hips stutter and you knew he was getting close, and the feeling of your cunt pulsing without him even being inside of you sent him over the edge, and he let out an almost animalistic growl as he came, coating from your lower belly to your clit in spurts of his hot cum.

You didn’t even give him time to come down from his high before cupping his face in your hands and pulling him down so your face was inches away from his, before crashing your lips into his. You couldn’t tell if it was an act of love, arousal or gratefulness, but he was quick to return the kiss, collapsing beside you on the bed and pulling you onto his lap, not caring about the mess he had made on you spreading on to him as he held you close.

[edwinspaynes]

okay ill give you two options so you can pick.

jordelia with cordelia doing a dance like in the books and james just simping

or

thomastair having a date in the snow with sledding :)

I did a bunch of Jordelia ones yesterday and also still have a Jordelia one in my inbox, so I'm opting for the Thomastair one :) Will definitely keep the Jordelia in mind for future potential fic fodder, though.

-

"Angel," Alastair said, looking out the window of the bedroom he shared with Thomas Lightwood. "It's as though the heavens decided to unleash some cosmic punishment against all of London's residents."

Thomas wrapped his arms around his middle, and Alastair relaxed into the touch. "Cosmic punishment?" His voice was soft. "For what?"

After careful consideration, Alastair shrugged. "The ridiculous quantity of eggs that the denizens of this city use in a single day? The terrible trend of wearing decorative plumes in one's headwear? Who is to day?" He sighed and ran the hand that was not cupping Thomas's through his hair. "I am not looking forward to shoveling this behemoth of a snowfall. Is there any chance that you might do it all?"

Thomas kissed Alastair's ear. "No, we agreed to split such things, and even your wonderful nature cannot tempt me to take all of it upon myself. But as a sort of consolation prize, I will warm you up afterward."

Alastair chuckled. "Alright, I agree to your terms."

"But," Thomas continued, and Alastair could see his eyes shining in their reflection in the window. "I do wish to do something fun before we go down and begin toiling away at our much-dreaded task."

Alastair raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

He tried to continue, but Thomas grabbed his hand and pulled him through the front door.

-

"I do not have very many kind things to say right now," Alastair sniped. "The only thing that will not make you chide me for my rudeness is that your thought process is unique. I don't know that I have ever ridden in a sled before outside of horrific events that I spent praying to the Angel would end."

"I didn't get to go sledding much as a child, either," Thomas said. "In case it would upset my fragile constitution. My parents preferred to keep me indoors during the cold weather; one year, Uncle Will took me to the market, and I caught a chill that convinced Mother that it was the end. It was not worth the anxiety it caused them, after that."

"Oh," was all Alastair could say. "Well, I suppose that I ought to indulge you, then. Attempt to keep an open mind as we embark on this new adventure together."

"Alright," Thomas said. "I think the first thing to do is sit in the sled." He paused. "You might wish to go first so I can settle in behind you; you are smaller, moosh-am, and I would not wish to take up so much space that you cannot squish in."

"Do not call me a little mouse again," Alastair said, settling into the sled. "I do not wish to become cross with you, Tom."

Thomas stuck out his tongue. "Well, I'm sorry about this, then."

"What are you apologizing for?" Alastair asked, before realizing belatedly that he had settled into a sled on the top of their hilly yard. His weight pressed the sled down the slope, and he was sent down to the bottom of the incline, cursing in Persian.

Thomas rolled down the hill after him, laughing. "I think that was quite a good lark," he said. "Though I will have you know that I am taking the next slide with you thoroughly nestled between my thighs."

"I am still not over this," Alastair said. "I may hold a grudge forever. I still may get you back for this."

"Alright," Thomas agreed. "I-"

But his response was too late. A lightly-thrown, soft snowball hit him in the face. He sputtered, but Alastair was already laughing.

[inkedwingss]

For the ones joining my new writing-only blog, my baby Substack: I will upload one poem every day for the next 15 days, so expect some e-mails in your inbox! :)

If you have been here for a while, you must know I was in desperate need of a writing-only platform — in fact, if you remember, I even tried a side blog, but that didn't work for me (and the novel is cooking atm). So, for the sake of my peace of mind and my writing, I will upload all the poetry in here to this sparkling, brand-new Substack.

After a few days on that platform, though, I can already tell I'm not going to follow what I perceived to be the pattern. Do I feel like a fish out of the water? Yes. Do I plan to change? No. Is it good for ''marketing''? Nope! But I literally can't force myself into a non-authentic space. It gives me anxiety.

I believe in using the platform instead of letting the platform use me. I'm free. That is unnegotiable. So, I will do my best on my own terms, as many things annoy me about the writing culture of these times we live in and I refuse to wear the halter. Oh, I promise I'll never try to coach you, start mothering you, or try to sell you a "how to write poetry in 5 steps" guide. No hooking titles. I won't join the experts-on-shit FOMO cult to prey on other people's triggers or to feel ''good'' about myself at the expense of others. This type of thing actually creeps me out.

But I do promise we can just resonate and inspire each other by being honest and raw, by having a brave heart so we can keep being kind, and by pursuing truth, beauty and art... How about that? We can enjoy the vibe and cultivate this appreciation of words! We can even chat as writer friends, as reader friends or just as friends friends — and encourage each other through real, second-intention-free presence.

If my writing doesn't touch you, it's fine. If yours doesn't touch me, it's fine. It's not personal, it's not a bad thing. We are all finding our voice. The day you think you know everything, you're dead, so we have to keep searching, moving and growing together! How many times have I needed the words from @cssnder @goodluckclove @hersurvival or @remnantofabrokensoul, and so many others around here (iykyk)? And I'm very grateful for every word and idea you all shared here in this amazing space, helping me to keep going, to break from my shell and lay another brick in the foundations of what I want to create.

That is the beauty of it. Creation demands connection. That is respect and human experience. And I repeat it: sometimes what I create won't touch anyone but me.

Oh, but what if it does!

Well, that being said: I actually do have some crazy ideas for the Substack. At first, the focus was on creating some substantial and self-indulgent content about literature (I like to study). Although I still think that's important, exciting and valid, Poetry is making its way through my inked fingers more and more, demanding space, attention, and voice; so I will not neglect this calling.

What about the future? I don’t know. Paid subscriptions for specific academic literature content? Prophetic, devotional newsletters?Generating debates on books for the community? Just poetry that you can read for free and not engage at all because I can be quite antisocial at times? Digging around some old ancient advice on writing? None of the above? Anything is possible, really. For now, I will slow down and avoid contributing to the hamster wheel of modern despair for the speed of light living and likes.

For now, poetry, please.

And tea. Lots of tea, because it's raining.

The grass looks so green!

[quiddling]

hi . i really like your art it's amazing .... it's beautiful to go thru ur art tag and see so many doodles and drawings, esp bc your style is so cool...

T_T any advice for someone whos kinda been struggling to draw for a while because of fear/anxiety... like feeling 'burned' by art so its hard to indulge in it even when you try to make it low stakes..

thanks... and thanks for sharing your cool art with us, i love seeing the asoiaf characters come to life visually...

aaaaaaaaa!!!!! hi!! FIRST OF ALL... thank u so much you're really kind wtf;; whenever y'all get nice in my inbox it makes my day BHAHAHA I'm glad you enjoy my art (: NOW art is so fun but it is also my enemy,, i think collectively we have all been there, and totally get it i feel sometimes you just gotta burn out a bit and get humbled, you know? i am really no help and would kill whoever said this to me but truthfully and honestly...just don't stop!!! create purely for the enjoyment of yourself!! (and without worrying about the end result) doodle, sketch, experiment with different mediums,, it doesn't need to look good just as long as you continue to draw you learn! i have been in a weird limbo since feb and just recently got a new sketchbook and am trying gouache for the first time and i've learnt a few things since then that has made me really excited to create again! my life changed when I stopped giving a fuck about trying to make something that would do well on social media and when i started just making art for myself! i post stuff bc i think its cool and that's all that matters ! i don't really expect any attention past just me and my gf but when they do WOW! it feels epic tldr; create art for yourself, not others. experiment freely. enjoy the process not always the outcome (:

[burrowbabe]

Give and Take - Chapter 6

Joe tossed and turned all night wondering how to approach you the next day. He felt some sort of responsibility to cheer you up to ensure you knew he was genuine.

Joe could barely count on one hand how many days he had known you, and yet, he was captivated. He feared wasting the time he had here at your house, sleeping next door, seeing you every day by pussyfooting around the obvious - he was attracted.

Joe reaches under the pillow behind his head to grab his phone. Opening Instagram, he sees that you had just shared something to your story. A simple screenshot of a quote reading,

"I wonder what I look like in your eyes."

Hovering his thumb over the heart reaction button on his phone, he quickly hit it, locking his phone. Leaving him in the darkness with his heart racing, he felt like a middle-schooler.

He knew that instantly you were notified of his interaction with your story, but how would you take it?

Little did he know, you were pleasantly surprised as a DM appeared in your inbox. You wondered, too, why Joe was still awake, clutching your phone to your chest. You didn't even realize that he followed you, let alone curious enough to look at your posts.

Joe decides to grab a glass of water before he choked on his own saliva with anxiety.

Not bothering to put on a shirt, he merely slips on a pair of shorts before heading towards the kitchen.

The house is eerily quiet in comparison to the usual loud banter amongst friends. At this point in time, he wished Ja'Marr was awake so he had someone to talk to. But deep down, he knew he wouldn't be taken seriously, nor did he want to stir up anything before he even knew what he wanted out of this budding relationship with Anna.

He didn't realize he was caught in his own thoughts again until water spilled over the edge of the glass he was filling, splattering all over the floor and his feet.

"Shit." he curses at himself, placing the glass quietly on the counter before grabbing some paper towels to clean up.

With his back turned, bent over, sopping up the water, he didn't even hear you enter the room.

"Hey."

Joe jumps slightly, whipping his head around to see you standing in the kitchen in an oversized t-shirt and socks.

Quickly standing up and throwing the paper towels in the trash, Joe is lost for words.

"Y-You scared me. I didn't think anyone else was awake." he says sheepishly.

"Same idea as me." you say, gesturing to the overly filled glass of water on the counter.

Silence fills the room for a moment while you fill up your own cup of water. Joe leans his back against the kitchen island, looking you up and down while your back is facing him.

He noted how sexy your legs were. He thought about what it would be like to grab you under the thighs and take you on this counter right now, smothering your moans with his hand cupped over your mouth.

With the head of his cock twitching, he internally criticized himself for objectifying you, but he couldn't help it. The last thing he wanted was to have a conversation with you with a noticeable hard-on.

Friends first. He reminded himself.

You sip on your glass of water, leaning against the counter opposite of Joe. Noticing his discomfort you ask,

"What's keeping you up tonight?"

Joe sighs and shakes his head.

"Nothing in particular."

Another moment of silence goes by. God, why did this have to be so awkward?

"Thanks for ... chatting with me earlier." you say, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. "I'm sorry my old drama ruined dinner."

Furrowing his brow, Joe shakes his head vigorously.

"You didn't ruin anything, trust me."

You searched his eyes for some sort of indication that he was lying, but found nothing but pure softness behind his lashes.

"Still ... not how I anticipated starting off our friendship - bombarding you on day 3 with my issues." you half-laugh, rolling your eyes.

"It's not stupid." he says seriously. "You can talk to me about whatever."

Taking a deep breath, you set your glass down. In an effort to "clear the air" you think back to everything that was posted in the tabloids.

'Travis seen in hotel in Vegas with another girl!'

'Anna Carter crying leaving the Ritz Carlton!'

'Travis on bail for assault charges!'

'Where is Anna Carter??'

"What do you know already?" You finally ask.

Joe's mind races with what Tana had told him earlier.

"Nothing really ... I don't believe what they put in the media." he says, swallowing hard.

You swallow hard too, hoping this is the last time you have to think about Travis for a long time. But, for the sake of transparency and context, you felt Joe needed to know.

"Well ... let's just say that my ex is the type of emotionally unavailable guy to physically and emotionally abuse you, use you, and cheat on you, and expect you to be OK with it because he's the man and you're the woman. Stay in your place and shut up."

You feel your eyes well up with tears but shake your head to rid the sensation. No more tears for that man.

With a deep breath, you cross your arms over your chest instinctually for security.

"I found out he had been cheating on me the entire relationship, whilst draining my bank account and using my name and resources to launch his career." you say, biting the inside of your cheek. "When I confronted him about it all, he assaulted me."

Joe shakes his head in disbelief, reigniting the anger he had earlier.

"I will never let a man raise his hand to me twice. That was a wake up call." you continue. "As shattered as I was, what hurt more was the fact the he assumed I had such little respect for myself, that I would never walk away."

You bite your lower lip fighting back the tears. Now was not the time to get angry again.

"I'm so sorry." Joe whispers, shaking his head.

"It's in the past." you shrug. "I'm breaking the habit, focusing on myself, and hoping to find someone way out of my comfort zone ... a nice guy." you laugh.

"And you will." Joe insists, nodding towards you encouragingly.

Meeting his eyes with a small smile, you quickly wipe a tear that you hadn't realized had begun to fall. Compose yourself, you think.

"Welp, that's the gist." you laugh defeatedly. Humor was a coping mechanism, but at this point in your life it had come second nature.

"Anything else that comes to mind, I'm sure you'll find it on TMZ first." you laugh, again.

Idiot. You think to yourself.

-

You hated downplaying everything but in an effort to move on, it felt like it was the only way. You had a type, that's for sure. With your daddy issues, thug-ish, confident assholes were your go-to. Did it ever end up well? No. Did it fill the void? Yes.

You had begun seeing a therapist shortly after the breakup that encouraged you to actively change your ways. You knew what you were seeking was bad for you, it was just a matter of not doing it anymore.

-

"So anyway, I'm sure you're done hearing about my relationship issues. What about you? Any girls in your life?" you ask, hoping to divert the conversation in a more positive direction. You still didn't have confirmation whether or not Joe was seeing anyone, despite continuously digging online.

He shakes his head, pursing his lips. "No, no one."

"What? C'mon. You're a celebrity, you must have girls falling from trees for you!" you laugh in disbelief.

"I'm not saying I don't have people approach me ... just none that I'm interested in." he shrugs.

"I find it hard to believe you don't hook up on the road." you raise your brows, waiting for his response.

"... Maybe a couple times." he shyly admits.

"I knew it!" you both laugh and he blushes in embarrassment. You loved how coy he was.

It was true, he fucked around with a few girls here and there. Although no girls were allowed in the hotel rooms during the season, he was Joe Burrow.

Sure, it was satisfying in the moment, but he woke up every time feeling gross for some reason. He couldn't understand why, but he thought that maybe he was actually seeking something deeper.

His DM's were flooded with messages from social media influencers, other sports players' girlfriends and wives, and fans whom he'd occasionally pursue if he was in their city. But a cheap fuck was all it felt like.

"Sex is sex." He shrugs. "But it's more enjoyable with someone you actually care about."

"I wouldn't know." you say, rolling your eyes.

Joe looks at you in confusion.

"I don't think I've experienced anything close to 'caring'." you explain. "Sex is easy for guys ... straightforward. So if you don't give a shit about your girlfriend, it's quick and simple."

Joe raises his eyebrows in surprise, "So ... you're saying it's never been enjoyable for you?"

"Not usually, no. Maybe I'm just broken." you shrug.

With a beat, you laugh, covering your face. "I'm so sorry, how the hell did we end up at this conversation?"

You felt the blush creeping up on your cheeks as you met his amused expression.

"I don't know, but it seems like you've been with selfish douchebags." he says.

"I don't know what it's like not to be." you reply, looking down at your feet.

A flicker of light above both of your heads startles you before the kitchen goes dark.

"Oh shit, I think I need to change the lightbulb." you say, moving to grab a spare from under the kitchen sink.

"Do you mind boosting me up?" you ask.

You move towards Joe thinking he was just going to link his hands together for you to step on, but instead, he grabs you under your thighs and lifts you above his head.

Quickly replacing the bulb, you give Joe the OK before he slowly loosens his grip on you, allowing you to slide down the front of his body.

His hands snake up the back of your shirt as you come down, him admiring your soft skin in his head.

With your hands on his shoulders holding steady, you meet each others eyes for a second, both second guessing the situation.

Eyes flicking down to his lips, and his eyes to yours, silence engulfs the room.

His shirtless body is warm, muscular ... inviting. If you didn't know any better you'd think the bulge in his shorts was merely caused by something in his pocket being this close to one another.

With a short, stuttered breath, you slowly lean closer to his face before a voice interrupts you causing you both to jump away from one another.

"Why is everyone up right now?" your brother AJ asks groggily.

You and Joe look between one another and AJ before stuttering for a reply.

"J-Just thirsty ... talking ... can't sleep." you say.

AJ clearly must've not seen the position the two of you were in previously, with his eyes squinted shut from the dim kitchen light, scratching his bed head.

Pouring himself a glass of water and grabbing a snack from the cabinet, you and Joe awkwardly avoid eye contact.

You hadn't realized sweat building and the anxiety tightening your chest.

Mouth agape, looking for the right words to say, "Well ... goodnight." you spit out.

"See you in the morning." he replies.

You turn and scurry out of the kitchen before your brother noticed you were just in your panties under that big shirt.

Fuck.

--------------------------------------------------------------

** Sorry again for the short hiatus. I am now fully recovered, and back on my bullshit. As much as I wanted to write smut in this chapter, it's just not in the cards for Joe and Anna right now. So, I leave you with this cliff hanger for now to get a new chapter out.

I've already begun writing chapter 7 and hope to get it out this weekend!

xoxo

[carmenized-onions]

Oh gods, I apologize for the long long rambling, but here it goes:

First of all, you are a genius! I can’t believe the way your words were converting to an actual TV scene in my mind d, with cut and editions, the whole thing!

I could see Carmy finding the file with Mike's writing and the pictures and I could feel and see his distress with every picture he saw! My friend you are a genius 🙌🏽

Ok on to the theories:

After reading it again, because the first got me too angry to process anything, it is clear that Tony was pretty involved in Mike’s recovery program, but how much? I didn’t connect the nickname “Chip” until I read in one of the comments that it was because of the chips the program gives to the person once they get to a certain goal, so this makes me think that she was in the program (being a first respondent puts a lot of stress, anxiety and trauma on those poor people) and that is how they met.

And I think they were so close because either she was his sponsor, buuuut, those photos give me the tingles because if he was the one getting the goals then Chip would have made him carry the cupcake. After all, it’s his celebration, so maybe he was his sponsor? And she being in recovery could be the reason she is no longer a paramedic, maybe she got busted and could no longer be one? And would be also the reason she disappeared when Mickey died because she didn’t realize how bad was it for him because he focused on her recovery. Not to mention the hero complex Chip probably has, there is a reason Chip was a paramedic and now is a fix-it-all all 🤷🏽‍♀️

Oh god the next but is going to be so hard and painful… ok last comments:

-Love Richie and his “ I’m trying to be Zen, moment during the almost dinner with Fak”

-RIP the most delicious dish created-never tasted, and F that idiot ex-boss!

-Bless be the "Ratatouille moment”

-“Tina don’t shout at us because we cry 🙈”

-Tony screams at seeing Carmy's hair, we want those beautiful curls back!”

And so much more but this has been long enough, thank you for sharing your story!

And thank you for coming to this TEDTalk ❤️

You will literally never need to apologize for giving critical thought to a silly little thing i wrote and then TELLING IT TO ME THANK YOU MY LOVE!!!

I'm so so happy to hear that you see it as the show, it's exactly what I'm aimin for every time, and I think the stress of this chapter hit that head quite heavy this time.

Incredible line of thought, this ted talk. There's so many little caveats to it, which, I think Phoenix Wright taught me how to bury leads like this. THAT BEING HOW THEY MET WOULD BE WOWOJEFIwoo WOO! Pain. It's been a reoccurring query simply not trusting that Tony really did just quit being a paramedic for her dad and you know what-- good, i've sewed the seeds of mistrust in you all. And that's wonderful. But it would make sense! Can't always fix people, but you can always fix stuff.

oof.

Anyways, CLOSING COMMENTS!!

The amount of restraint it took Rich, you've gotta respect it

I'm almost certain I wrote that cherry lamb section while hungry and i do think that made me make it even more painful. FUCK THAT BOSS!!!

chip and carms first real date will be ratatouille. if they live through this next one.

It's important to be vulnerable with your kitchen and let them know if they raise their voices even slightly you will! have! a meltdown!

There's a reason Jeremy with the slick back is a meme. I know he's also standing like that but he also just looks insane. It's terrible.

NEXT CHIPPIE CHAP IS COMIN OUT AFTER MY LAST SYNTAX READ THANK YOU SO MUCH BABYYYY I LOVE TO GET THESE TREATS IN MY INBOX THANK YOU FOR THE TED TALK!!

[kedreeva]

Oooh I hope you have fun taking prompts! I'd like to suggest Steve and Eddie with the words "Lighter, Quiet, and Window"

Thank you!

(my inbox is open for ST prompts!)(Previous prompts)

--------

Eddie sits on the couch in the dark, hands wrapped around a mug of cocoa that's still too hot to drink. Through the floor to ceiling windows, he watches thick white flakes falling from the sky, and a shiver runs down his spine.

He remembers enjoying snowfall, once upon a time. He remembers the stark joy of the first few flakes as they melted on the grass and marked the chilly pavement, and the excitement of waking up to a blanket of white up to his knees, the prospect of school being canceled fresh on the table. He remembers making snow angels with his mother, and building snowmen with Wayne to decorate the yard, and have snowball fights with his friends.

Now it looks like the slow descent of ash falling from a dark sky, muffling all sound and plunging the world into an eerie silence.

Now his heart beats faster with anxiety instead of excitement.

Now his hands tremble with fear instead of cold.

A body passes in front of him and Eddie jumps, nearly spilling his cocoa, and he peers up into Steve's concerned eyes. He looks down, to Steve's flat palm, and the silver lighter sitting in it, and then he shifts one hand to recover it.

"Fire's lit," Steve tells him, and it sounds like a question.

Eddie pockets his lighter and then puts his hand in Steve's empty hand, and lets himself be pulled up to standing. Steve barely backs up to give him space, follows Eddie's line of sight out the windows, and seems to understand, then.

"It's not falling inside," he says, quiet. When Eddie's attention shifts to Steve, he nods toward the outdoors. "In the Upside Down, it falls inside, too. That's... that's how I remind myself we made it back."

Eddie nods. He knows. He knows they're back; he's got the scars to prove it. "I hate that it can still take stuff away from me. I used to love walking around while it snowed."

Steve looks back outside for a second, and then pulls Eddie closer by the hand he's still got, right into a hug. Eddie, mindful of his mug, burrows into Steve's warmth for a long minute, nose in the crook of his neck so he can't see the outside despite how close it is.

"It sucks," Steve admits to Eddie's hair. Eddie knows he understands. It's taken things from Steve, too. It will probably take things they haven't even considered yet.

Eddie takes a deep breath, lets it out slow over the collar of Steve's sweater, and then pulls back. Steve lets him go, watching, so Eddie smiles. "Yeah," Eddie says. "But I'm told we can kill it with fire."

Steve laughs, just a small thing, but it brightens his eyes and warms Eddie's heart. He takes Steve's hand again and tugs him out of the sunroom and in toward the crackling, merry fire, nestled safely within his fireplace. Before it, Steve has laid out as many blankets and pillows as he could find. The book he's chosen for Eddie to read to him sits on the hearth and as Eddie pulls him down into the warm nest, he thinks that, just maybe, what was stolen from them doesn't matter quite as much as what they get to keep.

[mdhwrites]

The Greatest Pain for Me Caused By My Disability

"That sounds like a ton of fun! I'd love to read that!"

I've discussed before that I don't take a long time to do my blogs. I don't do multiple drafts or think long and hard about a concept. The most common way an ask is answered is I open my inbox, look at it, and write it. If my blogs ever have a conversational tone to them, that's essentially why. I only rewrite sections if I think I got entirely off topic or if I think I missed my point entirely but most of the time, that isn't the case. I can do a 2k blog with five seconds of prep time.

Now remember I'm a writer. Then give me a writing prompt.

I have one person who has heard probably close to fifty different one off book ideas from me, said they sound great, and then had to watch as the fire in my eyes dies. After all, concept is easy. I can pitch that like I talk in my blogs. I've even shown that off sometimes. Hell, my Discord got to experience me pitch an entire multi-season show and its structure over the course of two hours because I pulled at one thread in my brain. But... I have anxiety, depression and, potentially most importantly, Avoidant Personality Disorder. Putting myself out there and putting real effort into things causes me to inherently panic because my brain is hardwired to not just expect failure but to be punched in the face for the mistake. It takes something I'm either extremely motivated in or extremely confident in to make me be able to really buckle down on it and go.

And, well... That's not something I can control. So I can get excited about an idea, share it, see it in my mind, see the words on the page... And have my ENTIRE being shut down when I consider opening my documents. It has been almost a week now since I was able to look at my Google Docs because thinking about working on my stories was enough to hitch my breathing and start a panic attack.

But I want to. I have explicitly said SO MANY TIMES that I adore working with my audience. I stream because I want to interact with chat. I like collaboration... But you can't collaborate if you are incapable of ever being reliable. If you can't promise that next week, you'll be able to actually do the damn thing you promised to do. So I hear a friend tell me they love the idea, something I do find joy in hearing... And then have to disappoint them.

It's exhausting, just as so much of my disability is and I'm sorry that it means I have to keep disappointing everyone.

======+++++======

For those curious about my hot takes btw and how that squares with this: I NEVER want to be famous for my analysis. I find posting my blogs almost certainly keys up my brain and makes me worry about response from those who already follow me, let alone if it breaks my bubble. I'm even adding this after the fact out of worry people will say I'm talking bullshit because of the fact that I'm willing to disagree with majority opinion. Hell, I think my brain is actually MORE okay with that sometimes because if I get punched in the face for a controversial opinion, that is the expected response than the potential of me gushing about something more positively blowing up in my face.

[thezoraprince]

slowly (but surely) coming back to this blog

i've been in such a weird place lately. with transitioning to a new job; being stuck on other projects; and not being in a TLoZ mood for a bit, it's been hard to come back.

HOWEVER!!!!!

now that i actually have weekends free and a consistent schedule through the US academic school year, i'll be able to push out some more stuff for you all to look at!! i could not be more excited!

i'm editing a piece at the moment (that's a tiny bit nsfw toward the end... oops), so i'll have that out soon! (hint hint: it's for you @rocklover719)

i really want thank you all for sticking with me and checking in, especially @originaltyphoonkryptonite for keeping me entertained to the max during this break i've been taking. i've been a mess since leaving my last job, and it's been really hard to work through my feelings. but we're getting there, and i know that this new path i'm taking will benefit me in so many ways.

in the meantime, feel free to browse the masterlist (and other blogs too because there are some TOP QUALITY writers in this community!!!!) i will be going through my inbox and most likely purging some requests. it's a scary mess in there honestly, and even just thinking about it gives me slight anxiety. but i'll post a little update about requests when i'm ready to take them again :)

thank you again and i love you guys <3

[threadsun]

For some reason the pacing in this one feels too fast to me but I don't know how to fix it, so! Here is the final part of the intro fic for the cult au. I won't send in the entire fic post until you're online again, I'd hate to clog up your inbox more than I already have ^^;

You turn to see, well, an e-boy. You don’t mean it in a rude way, that's just the best way you can describe this guy “Nick! Perfect timing, change of plans. I’ll get your opinion on my latest edit later. Do you think you could take their grace to see Bo?” Nick’s eyes light up when Shaun calls you your grace but they otherwise hold their cool expression “Of course, follow me your grace” Nick gives you a little bow before turning to leave “W-Wait, you’re already leaving?”

You turn back to tell Ian you have to go, but you’d love to hang out later “Yeah, and besides we gotta get you into costume if we wanna stay on schedule” Ian visibly relaxes a bit “Oh, ok, I’ll see you later then” You bid them farewell and head off to go see Bo. You two walk in silence for a while when you hear a clinking sound, it’s not metallic, it kinda sounds like if you knocked two pieces of porcelain together. The sound comes from Nick’s pocket and you ask him if that’s his fidget toy

“Hm? O-Oh, yeah…sorry” You tell them it’s fine, whatever helps you get through the day, huh? “Heh, yeah” …Cool, cool cool cool, this conversation is going great. You decide now’s a good a time as ever to ask their pronouns “He/him, you?” You tell him your pronouns “Cool, cool” Very cool, so cool, you’re so very cool right now and definitely not wondering if he hates you, that would be silly…Yeah, ok, this is a bit silly. You’re sure this guy thinks you’re fine, you’re just panicking again. Just breathe. Geez, how many anxiety attacks can a person have in a day? Why can’t that number be zero?

“Hey, are you alright?” You tell him you’re fine, just stressing out over…everything, you guess "Damn, god's relatable" That manages to get a laugh out of both of you "Sorry, I guess I just wasn't expecting that. It's cool though, nice to know I'm not the only nervous one" Wait, he’s nervous? Nick pauses for a second "...I'm seeing god for the first time since I was seven, yeah, I'm a little nervous" He says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and you guess it kind of is. These people think you’re a big deal, it would be weirder if they weren't nervous around you

You tell him that there's no reason to be nervous, you don't bite "Aw, I was looking forward to that" Nick slaps his hand over his mouth "I am…so sorry. I can't turn it off" You laugh and tell him you get it, telling him you do stuff like that all the time “Right, thank you your grace, you’re too kind” You want to correct him and say that that’s the normal response but you don’t know if that’s safe. It’s gonna be your job to pretend to be god now, fuck, how are you even gonna do that? Ok, you can question that later, right now you need more info

You ask him about Bo "Oh, yeah, he drank some water yesterday. He's not doing great but I'm sure once he meets you he'll be on the mend. He just needs a new purpose, a new master, I'm sure of it" His reasoning is pretty good but he sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than you. You tell him you're sure he'll be fine, and that it sounds like he's been doing a great job taking care of him. Not everyone's strong enough to take care of a dog like that. You watch his face turn from as pale as porcelain to firetruck red "Huh…thank you your grace"

As you continue to walk your eyes are drawn by the giant fucking house in front of you. Holy shit "Yeah, it's pretty big, huh? You like it?" You shake off your surprise and tell him it's massive "Yeah, don't know how the founder lived there personally. All that space would drive me up the wall" …what?

That's your fucking house? Nick chuckles "What you and the house get up to is none of my business but I'd say so" you're pulled from your bewilderment when you feel the hair on the back of your neck stand up "Well hey there, I was starting to think you'd never show up" You turn to see Berry who is…right next to you? How did he "We managed to get everything inside but we couldn't bring it into your room with Bo in there"

You thank him and take a half step back to try and get him out of your bubble but he steps with you staying uncomfortably close. You try to look for anything that isn't Berry to focus on when you see Joseph leaned up against the house. You wave over to him to catch his attention, he seems to flinch at your acknowledgement and gives you a meek wave in return "Well it's a good thing you showed up when you did, that mutt probably would have keeled over by tomorrow if you didn't show up"

You hear the clinking of Nick's fidget toy getting louder but he doesn't say anything. You tell Berry Bo sounds like a strong dog and probably could have held out a little longer. You're not sure if you believe yourself on that one but Nick seems to relax as you say it "Huh, if you say so your grace" Nick starts walking towards the house and you follow him, thankful for the out "He might growl at you but as long as I'm here with you he won't bite" Nick opens one of the front doors for you, the heavy thunk it makes as it closes making you wonder if the damn thing was made of stone. You two walk up a flight of stairs and down a hallway before he stops in front of a door, your things neatly stacked next to it

"Ready?" As you'll ever be. Nick opens the door and his voice becomes a bit softer "Hey Bo, how are you feeling?" You hear a growl and then a voice? "Why is he here?" Is there someone in Bo's room? "Huh? Oh, Berry and Joseph were just delivering their grace’s things" You look past Nick to see someone lying on the bed, their voice is dull and hoarse "Their grace? They're here?" Nick opens the door fully and you finally see it, their ears and tail, their voice, the way their clothes hang from their emaciated frame, Bo

He perks up as you say his name “Your grace?” You can tell his energy is low and yet he spends whatever he has left into wagging his tail for you. You have to walk to the other side of the bed to get a proper look at him, he looks sick, pale and boney where you’re sure he was once full of life. You greet him, telling him your name before extending your hand to him to sniff, you see his face drop as he does “Why…why do you smell like him?” You ask who “Berry, I mean, not all the time, but sometimes he smells like that in the mornings” You can feel the blood drain from your face, no, no no no, don’t be silly

You tell Bo you probably just use the same soap or something, does he not like it? “Wha? No I…If it’s yours I like it” It’s only once Nick reenters the room do you notice he ever left, man he’s quiet. You see he’s holding a stick of jerky and ask Bo if he could maybe take a few bites, for you? Nick smiles at you and hands you the jerky “Mhm, I-I can do that…I’ll be good” You hold the jerky up to him as he takes a few bites. You can feel Nick’s excitement radiating off of him as you let Bo eat from your hand. He’s slow, chewing each bite thoroughly before taking another, only eating a bit before he stops

“I’m sorry, I feel so full already” You tell him it’s ok, gently patting his head as you tell him he did such a good job for you. You smile as you hear his tail thumping on the bed behind him “Thank you your grace” You see him start to tear up “Please…don’t go” You cup his cheek with your hand and tell him you’re here to stay, which means he needs to get better for you, deal? He giggles “Deal”

!!!!!! I love Nick sooooooo much, the fidget toy and the jokes!!!!!!!

Also Bo being able to smell Barry on them 👀 and Barry being such a creep

God this is so good Moon and I kept stopping to talk about how good it is as I was reading it to them!!!!

[ijustwannaasksomething]

Hey, so are you taking a break from writing? Is everything ok or are just not feeling like writing for now? I miss your Soft Sounds but I'll understand if you don't have any plans to continue it

They there.

I am so happy you inboxed me. It means a lot to me when people reach out to me past the comment section of my fics and I really feel like we have connected!

As promised, a small update.

So, 2022 has been... a lot. (This is a life update, not a cry for sympathy, help or anything. I speak from my heart and I ask you not to worry about me or have pity. This is life the way it is meant to be; with highs and lows.)

I dare say it has been the worst year of my life. *inserte the worst year of your life so far meme*.

It had a good start, but then I had an accident and couldn't really walk for a while, in spring I'll need a second surgery and I hope I'll be free of the lasting pain after that.

Recovery took a lot of me, I am also thinking about my carreer and how I want to further my education or explore new paths. I have untangled family relationships and struggled in social constellations which almost took the love of my hobby cosplay from me.

So, there has been a lot on my plate.

I started therapy, I ended theray and well... the biggest reason I didn't continue Soft Sounds is that my relationship of seven years almost ended and is still uncertain. I say this without blame, but depression is a bitch. It's too hard for me to write about a blossoming love which can brave the odds, when the person I want to face life's challenges with is warped by an invisible illness that has such deep lows that feel like I am losing myself in the darkness as well.

Depression is cruel, it twists and tears and rearranges the person you love and sometimes I feel like I'm standing in front of a shell instead of my beloved.

This is one of the reasons I do lack the muse to write at all at the moment. I like writing love, romances, I like to believe I write real stories with ups and downs and character development but it feels so fake sometimes, because I know no matter how hard I want to hold on to this, I cannot control it. I am a sucker for a happy ending, as Martha Dunnstock has put it so eloquently. And I am wondering about my own.

While that all sounds dire, I am currently in a very good place.

As I said, I started and ended therapy and it's been a good experience. I learned a lot about myself and most importantly: I learned about letting go. I learned about giving up control, about accepting the things I cannot change. It has taken a lot of anxiety from me and for the first time in my life I have learned to look after and take care of myself. To put put the focus on me because I am the variable I can change.

In my last session I said: I don't know what the future may hold, but I'm not afraid. Those are words I'd like to give to you for this new year.

Do not be afraid.

Because with acceptance comes calm. For the first time I have felt calm, even empty because the storm of anxiety, responsability and the need to be in control and the one to blame were gone.

I do not know where life will lead me, but I am looking forward to this year. There are many things I want to do, many roads I want to explore. I want to listen to what my body tells me (because that's something I haven't done at all and it's so refreshing) and take what life has to offer.

Where does that leave me as an author?

You might have noticed my usage of semicolons in Soft Sounds, I think I used them so often it's become my thing for this story. So, so; I will continue. I want to finish Soft Sounds because it means so much to me, as soon as I have the capactiy to do so. I want to write not only this fanfic but many more, with happy endings.

Because that's what makes me happy.

So I do wish you, sterzin, and all the other readers a wonderful 2023. I wish you a year of bravery, of joy, of new roads ahead of you. Trust me, you don't have to be afraid. Life is tough and mean and sometimes it feels like you just cannot go one more step, but I promise you, it does. Every day is a small step and you don't realise how far you've come.

I love you and thank you for your support.

Love;

I just wanna ask something

[sometimes-love-is-enough]

Hello! I'm sorry if this is a nuisance or irritating in any way, but I just had to say it: YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE CREATIVE GENIUS AND I LOVE EVERY THOUGHT THAT COMES OUT OF YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL FANTASTIC. Just. All of it!!! I haven't been able to read 100% of your fics yet, but, come on. "Pick A Side" is something I read and reread SEVERAL times when taking my philosophy class, and it made me more inspired to keep going, even though that topic causes me a lot of anxiety (1/7)

I was ecstatic when reading ALL of “Eucatastrophe” because it gives a lot of thought to each and every character, and the way you build suspense!!! Man. I adore fae stories and I was on the edge of my seat trying to figure out what everyone was going to do. And the way you incorporated the mirror thing!!! And all of the other fae-kind of characters!! There’s something supernatural about your stories because I started reading this one, like, the day after I first learned about the Erlking.

And then there’s “melliferous”. Just. I’ve learned SO MANY cool words from you and your writing. But the creeping uncanny descriptions and horror/tragedy elements were superb! I hate those things most of the time, but beyond the fact that my brain was like “Let’s ignore the “Major Character Death” warning for once, because this is promising bees AND Greek mythology”, the storytelling was incredible!!

Okay, last story I’m going to gush over, but eventually I wound up exploring your Tumblr, and as soon as my brain hit the word “dinosaurs” I was like: “I. HAVE. To read this.” And it did not disappoint!!! Goodness. All of your ideas are so clever!! And then I saw your art and analysis posts and my jaw dropped. How can one person be this talented???

(By the way, your post about 16th century Italian theater blew my mind. Because I had no clue about the historical art form!!! I have monologued to myself dozens of times on the dissection of what makes the Sides so relatable, and how it’s because they’re almost purely archetypes!! Everyone can connect to whomever they want and write them in a way that’s meaningful to them and it works!!

Oh my word, that post filled me with so much emotion I couldn’t look at your stuff for months because my brain was consumed with it.) Okay. Now that that’s all out. I’m sorry for raving like a lunatic in your Ask Box. I just wanted to let you know how important your work is to me, and how much you are appreciated. Because you are very much appreciated and valued. Even if you never posted again, even if I never read your fics or looked at your blog again, I would think about you because I now know you exist, and you’ve impacted my life. And I am grateful that you exist. Thank you for being so amazing and for having the courage and generosity to share it on the internet for people like me. (And thank you for putting up with ridiculously long messages being thrown at you) I hope you have a good day :)

No need to apologize for gushing! Seeing seven asks in my inbox this morning made me go 'oh, I finally got cancelled, huh', so the fact that it was just one enthusiastic person was a COMPLETE delight, you made me smile so ridiculously widely! I am so glad you're enjoying my fics this much, and that I could make you Feel Things and Think About Things and Learn Things (because honestly, that's all I've ever wanted to do). I don't plan on stopping for a good while yet - I've got too many stories in my head and they all want to come out.

I sincerely hope you have the most wonderful of days. I love you.