#but now my progress is gone!
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having a Night. havent been alone w my thoughts in a while and im not liking it
#usualy i'd make up some stupid story to fall asleep but its not working now#some news was broken to me just now and i dont know how to feel about it#i mean i do#ok incoming vent#hate the idea hate it so so much but its so selfish of me to think that way#and the issues all lie within ME and i just. i cant change now#not w all the work i put into adapting to this place i cant just. pack it all up and leave to go somewhere else#my future was set here man. all i had left was to finish a year and a half more of secondary school n get thru my IGCSEs and i'l be set#yeah i didnt have a specific plan but i had come to terms w a solid general one that i actually really liked#and now its all Ruined#'dw you'll be going to a good school over there too! much better than where ur at now' i dont want to#i cant i just cant#i cant leave my life here now not when im so close to finally getting my freedom#i was supposed to graduate top of my class here i was supposed to excel in my extra curriculars i was supposed to be KNOWN#god does that sound horrible of me but i cant change the way i feel and how ive always felt#i was set man. i couldve gotten that scholarship and gone overseas#i NEED that scholarship or my family wont be able to afford to put my siblings into good schools#but now my progress is gone!#yeah idfk how the school system shit works but i highly doubt some prestigious ass school is gonna care abt shit i did in my current one#yeah i could be wrong but what if man#what then. what the fuck am i supposed to do#and im scared i wont be able to make friends there#fuck im prbly overthinking this n being such a fucking pussy but#i cant. be alone#not again i cant do that shit again#i have my friends here!!!! and theyre alright i like to be around them so why cant i just stay#im just so tired#i just want to sleep#but all i can think about is this#vent
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Like a week ago someone sent me an ask requesting I rank the Seb VAs/actors and I started going hard with it, but it’s been so long that maybe I should just answer without the big explanation for each lol? Sorry anon
#the Coattails hyperfixation has me#it’s the only thing I wanna write till it’s DONE#which also means I haven’t been answering Coattails comments so sorry to the two people waiting 😬#progress slowed a bit because I rewrote an entire scene twice so that’s 2.3k gone#but it was necessary. the scene is much more solid now 👍#I always tear my hair out over the emotional moments for some reason. I can do angst fine#and then they have to get mushy and suddenly the line between comfort and cringe looks razor thin#anyway happy tuesday
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THIS MONTH HAS BEEN AWFUL FOR ME TO SAY THE LEAST IM GOING TO DO A LOT OF ART TO MAKE UP FOR IT (I also will not be in artfight because I’m trying to survive atm 😭 but look out for me next year!) LOVE U ALL
#pride stuff MIGHT leak into july (it will)#and the comics are in progress#I’ve been extremely broke#trying to get shit off adobe programs#I had a few family emergencies and my own medical issues#it’s been rough#but I’m really trying#my class has also been a struggle#I’m ok btw! don’t worry abt me I’ll get through stuff like I always do#just really want everyone 2 know I love u all dearly and love pride month I just keep getting#my ass kicked#it is concave now can I get a break#just vine booms for every fucked up thing that’s gone on in my life this month 😭#mooing
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wip
#zeno's art#ultimate x-calibur#wip#optico#nova starbridge#paro chroneko#dj v con#clyde blacktooth#hrm.... you lot are looking a lot more geometric than usual....#paro stands out amongst all these spikeys ive gotta round out nova a bit more#but yea here are the new designs! once again less of an overhaul and more of a natural progression as theyve developed with my style#let me explain some design stuff :#here in this new rewrite of the story optico is actually a star sailor AI#programmed to take the nimbasa galahad students to the academy dome (which orbits merlienete)#and so has floaty hands to use the control panel . he can “summon” more hands or just go without them#nova is basically unchanged but her hair has been a little altered so she doesnt have that middle part thingy#(it was hard to draw)#and also her second ahoge is gone#paro is more circular and has a longsleeve undershirt now#his bag is hammerspace and can carry huge tools!#vcon is also mostly unchanged but now has starfish stuck to his pants#because i thought itd be funny if her pants were so long that stuff got stuck to them#clyde is the only one 100% unchanged save for hair#alright im sleepy
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i think growing up i fantasized a lot about being loved and adored but i think for me it is getting to love and adore people that's infinitely more exciting and interesting
#other people are really interesting!#seeing myself reflected back in other people's love for me is a lot less interesting and surprising like i've seen enough of that guy#feeling very anti-jo march 2019 i guess i care more to love than to be loved#it feels really tied to my progression with gender and sexuality stuff too tbh#my previous sort of insatiable desire to be liked/loved really fed into the urge to suppress parts of myself that i felt were unpalatable#now that i give myself unconditional love and acceptance that suppressive urge is gone#and i unexpectedly have a lot more energy and care to spend on other people#sorry for being corny#it's just nice i'm happy to be here#personal nonsense
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#ao3#ao3 attack#ao3 down#it’s hour 24#i woke up#went to check#still gone#:(#i was gonna read from a ship/fandom i don’t usually read from too#but no#maybe this’ll force me to study for my physics and chem exams#and finish my scholarship essay#and make progress on my wips#but for now i’m just feeling withdrawals#if ao3 is gone for good idk what i’ll do#i will not be returning to WATTPAD tho#idk how to live like this
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Look at this panel I'm proud of :D
A second panel I'm proud of -- the front view of the mask:
#I'm redrawing my fantasy webcomic#I'm thinking if progress is good I'll release it somewhere at the start of next year#but I'm just sketching and lining everything without putting too much pressure on a set date#symmetry tool my beloved#doodles of the art blocked wolf#oc#runaway wolves#samus oudaletya#illustration#webcomic#edit: idk why that tag was there lmao but its gone now
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speaking of men and trauma. have i talked about my brother supposedly having “severe ptsd” from getting a bad grade in home economics and burning his food a decade and a half ago, so that he cant even go near cooking utensils, and most household chores, so we’re ableist for wanting him to do more chores around the house.
this is the same guy who thinks disabled people need to pull themselves by the bootstraps and stop being “lazy” and also the same guy who mocks me for my panic attacks and needing to stay home on my bad days because “only veterans have trauma so youre just faking it for sympathy”
#i think the funniest bit was when he forgot he was supposedly so traumatized he couldnt look at a pan without flashbacks#because our other brother was taking too long to cook eggs for him and he wanted to prove he was superior to him#(he hates him bc our brother is high needs and he thinks its embarrassing and he has to assert dominance)#so he made himself eggs and then smugly showed off to mom like ‘’whos the better son NOW?’’#and mom was like ‘’oh nice you can make yourself eggs now! good progress!’’ and he INSTANTLY started stammering#and proceeded to complain about how he had a headache from ‘’all the flashbacks attacking his brain’’#like ok fine if he doesnt wanna learn. im not shitting on people who do takeout a lot bc thats fair#but like. you gotta admit this is funny. whole ass 28 year old man#btw he thinks himself a food critic. he shits all over moms cooking all the time and calls my food ‘actually pretty good’#and is just thoroughly ungrateful and mean about it all#havent even gone into the time he shouted at everyone and tried to intimidate mom into never cooking again and then punched himself#and said that we forced him to do that#echoed voice
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My thoughts on jewish politics are nuanced and convoluted in many ways, but if somebody comes at me with the idea of categorizing my thoughts as being in line with the "good jews" or the "bad jews," you've just got to assume I'm not One Of The Good Ones.
#jewish politics#jumblr#jew by choice#jewish conversion#personal thoughts tag#caveat that i am not officially jewish yet and some of y'all (antisemites) still treat me with similar hatred and jew hatred#for some (many) antisemites i'm already too far gone and frankly i'm glad. i'm glad to face their hatred rather than concern trolling...#...or the infantilizing antisemitic 'let me save you from the jews 🥺🥺🥺'. it makes me sick to my stomach either way but at least...#...with the outright hatred you arent trying to bullshit me. i despise when people lie to me or put on façades or use platitudes to trick m#i have never been One Of The Good Ones and i'm not about to start now basically#and i would rather stand with others/other jews (again im in progress but i digress) than stand a second near antisemitism 🙏#like i know at some point i'm probably going to have to have more concrete opinions but now isn't the right time for that#i try to educate myself but i don't for one second want to encroach. in many ways i guess i'm waiting until i am a jew? i dunno 👍#felt i should make this clear in case i do start getting the same shit the jews/fellow jews-in-prgress i follow are#thank g-d i haven't had too much shit on this account but i have already been barraged by actual tumblr nazis who called me the k-slur so h#that happened a While ago (again thank g-d) but that still cemented in my head that i am... maybe ig Too Jewish to ever be safe ever again#if that statement makes sense
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What was your inspiration for Yara? how did she come to be?
Oooh good question!! Yara, like the vast majority of my OCs, underwent a lot of tweaks and changes and development to the point I have her at right now, where I've got her story and personality and abilities and all that pretty tightly nailed down.
Her character concept started as Mihawk's daughter (I just thought he was EXTREMELY COOL the first time he showed up in the East Blue arc), since I have a thing with my OCs where they always end up being related to a canon character somehow (i.e. Circe Mackinnon (Soul Eater) being the half-sister of Franken Stein; Lilletz Lucilfer (HxH) being the younger sister of Chrollo; Haganezuka Minako (KnY) being the niece of Haganezuka Hotaru; Joey Armansky (Death Note) being the cousin of Mary Kenwood/Wedy; (Iryna Kovalenko (BnHA) fits this mould too but I haven't revealed who she's related to just yet heheh it's a bit of a doozy)). Funny enough, I initially envisioned her travelling with her father and perhaps encountering the Straw Hats at Baratie, so the whole abandonment plotline actually didn't come into play until later, when I decided to make her a Whitebeard Pirate after meeting Ace in the Alabasta arc and absolutely falling in love with him (which only grew as I learned more about him and the depth of his character).
Sometimes, the funny thing with OCs is that after a certain point, their stories just sort of begin to write themselves and all the pieces start to fit together in some really nice thematic ways. Yara and Ace's relationship developed as they found common ground with their resentment towards their fathers and both looking to Whitebeard as a surrogate father figure, which in turn developed Yara's internal struggles with her own identity (not knowing where she came from for the longest time and then even after finding out who her father is, dealing with the pain of being an unwanted and neglected child who grew up into an fiercely angry, yet profoundly lonely young woman). The more I thought about what Yara's early life must've been like, the more I could get a good grasp of who she is as a young adult, what her major plot beats are, and how those connect with the canon story.
Her relation to Wano and the Shimotsuki family (and Zoro, who became her second cousin on her mother's side) was a later addition, as I continued to learn more about the One Piece world and how she could potentially fit into each arc. Marineford and Wano were the two natural places where she would exist, so I've really tried to figure out her development in relation to those two arcs.
I hope that answers your question okay! I could really talk about Yara (or any of my OCs) all day heheh
#oc: bravada yara#my ocs#asked and answered#tl;dr it really was a nice progression of different concepts i had neatly fitting into place#yara as mihawk's abandoned daughter fit beautifully into her desire to rescue ace at marineford when the two came face to face#and her reconnection with mihawk during the timeskip just ended up working out perfectly considering her losses at marineford#giving her the wano connection has woven her neatly into that arc as well#even if her mother wasn't from wano she likely would've gone with marco and izou anyways#but now she has an extra reason to be there that only could've happened because she reconnected with mihawk#and her distrust in the world government because of her run-in with cipher pol gives her a perfect reason to not care about ace's parentage#because she doesn't buy into the wg propaganda of who [redacted for my opla friends] was said to be#so ace tells her and she's just like *shrug* “cool. i hate my dad too”
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i now understand the anger people describe when they see other folks just going about their lives entirely unaffected by disasters
#i'm living in a situation that many people are comparing to hurricane katrina and you're fucking talking about homestuck cosplay#i dont fucking care about over the garden wall i'm going into my third day without electricity and nowhere nearby has gas for our generator#our freezers are fridges now and its only a matter of time til we have to start throwing ungodly amounts of food out#we can't leave our house because the road even outside of our driveway has gotten progressively worse and we can barely drive across#there was another landslide about five minutes away. there's another town nearby that was completely leveled#i saw a guy stranded on the side of the road with signs taped to his car asking for a spare tire#i saw another car flipped entirely onto its back and halfway into the river which is still raging#one of the houses i'm used to driving by every single day that was huge and where we got our chickens from is gone. like it was never there#the area it was in just looks like another part of the river now. i wonder if people will play in it in the future#nobody has power or cell service. countless people haven't been able to contact their family members in four days#and yet it feels like the only people talking about it are the people who fucking live here. nobody else is looking at appalachia#except for the shithead tourists who like to go into threads meant for resource updates asking about their stupid fucking vacations#conservatives are saying we deserve it for being libs and libs are saying we deserve it for being conservatives#both of them call us hicks and use our accents whenever they do an impression of a stupid person
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what's in your sim(s) bag?
tysm for the tag @isstoria and @kuroashims! this is what Vincent carries around, what you'd expect a lawyer to bring to work really!
i will tag @swallowprettybird @frostedshore @bloomingkyras @kissalopa @groovetrys but feel free to ignore: picrew 🙂
#i swear vincent is the main character now#tag game#i keep thinking of his story#my minds gone blank with renee#missing lettuce is still in progress haha#postcard extra
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hi i saw your ask to applesauce and i just wanted to say im so proud of you for pulling yourself out of the radicalization pipeline, that takes true strength and bravery
thank you :) it’s tough because those spaces are excellent at conditioning people who have no involvement with the conflict whatsoever into a very absolutist “you must be thinking and talking about this issue at all times, otherwise you are a Bad Person who supports Bad Things and deserves to Die” mindset but really any “peace activist” whose “solution” relies on the complete demonization and dehumanization of another group of people does not care about peace or activism at all and i’m much happier now that i’ve stopped giving antisemitic bullshit any sway over my life. obviously does not absolve me from the harm i caused by being a part of it but i’m glad that i no longer am
#like. it is insane how quickly supposed “progressives” (me included) were able to set aside the idea that like#two things can be true at once and human rights are unconditional and a marginalized group gets to define their own oppression#in favor of centuries of deep seated cultural antisemitism because if you don’t support the ruthless slaughter#of hundreds of civilians in their homes then you must support the killing and displacement of a different civilian group. apparently#and anyone saying “hey that first thing was bad actually” also supports this and is Lying and Looking For Pity#nuance just flew out the window and this shit is everywhere. it is much less distressing to live without that cognitive dissonance#and be able to condemn both things at once like a normal fucking person (but unfortunately not average)#i cant imagine how it feels to be a jew in diaspora right now i’m sorry the world’s gone fucking crazy and i’m sorry i did too#this got long but yes. thank you and i am trying my best to be a better person and safer for jews <3#pusheenthenerdcat#ask#leftist antisemitism
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My thirteen year old sister heard me crying so she made me a bowl of strawberries and then said it "cost one hug" and then crawled into my arms and just laid there for a bit. I'm fucking sobbing.
#i honestly don't know where id be without by baby sisters#them and my two best friends have kept me going more than any of them know#just trying to keep going cause my life cant fucking end now- ive fought to hard for too many years for that#on a side note im officially 500 days clean#i wanted to relapse- and almost did but i got that damn notification telling me how long id gone and so i stopped myself#guess thats proof of progress though. hust a couple years ago something like that wouldn't have stopped me#personal stuff
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...
#havening trouble falling asleep and i KNOW anything i think about right now is just blown out of proportion#but genuinely not looking forward to my grandfather coming home tomorrow#living with him stresses me out so much#in some fucked up way im glad he wasnt here when kevin died#i cant imagine those first few days of grief having to also deal with him#i guess im just afraid that whatever progress ive gone thru is going to get lost the moment he comes#or if i trigger myself i wont be able to handle it as well#sigh#i know ill just have to take it as it comes
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writing a snzfic and realizing no one has sneezed in the last 500 words and scrolling anxiously up to find a place to fit a sneeze into the dialogue
#read as: i got really excited about this one scene and wrote the entire plot-pivotal conversation as if it were a vanilla fic T.T#why is that like... character interaction/relationship development and snz/h/c sometimes feel so closely entwined but sometimes#feel like they're mutually exclusive focuses that i have to juggle?#why can't this scene which i wanted to accomplish [redacted] also be about yves suffering... and does adding that back in only dilute the#scene i wrote or does it actually add to it...#the realism of this fic/the realism of the illness progression have gone out the window#and are now just subject to my (completely arbitrary) whims
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