#but now i tend to be happier and less affected by the sad stuff in life

[hana-no-seiiki]

💐🌙 -💗

Now that I think about it, when I’m sad I usually get super anti-social and irritable so I’d rather not let ya’ll have that energy.

I think I’ve grown a lot coping mechanism wise though.

But thanks 💗 non i wub u. you’re always so quick to send asks here uhu im so sorry i cant go through all of them

[ofcloudsandstars]

Celestial Forecast

Week 17-23

Happy Pisces Season! 🐟✨This week will bring some exciting shifts before we end on the new moon's final cycle in Pisces! It will start off with Mercury retrograding in Pisces which will create a time of mental rest and exploration while some helpful lunar transits will help us to clear house and help break up old or outdated routines to try new things.

Some overall advice this week: Do not be afraid to try new things and experiment in areas that you were always drawn to but always gave excuses as to why you felt you couldn't explore them before. With the retrograde it's not a time to start new things but it gives a safe window for you to explore and experiment with new stuff noncommittally.

Some additional notes: I've decided to add in the details for lunar transits so the ☽ next to a transit signifies that. Lunar transits are brief but they add additional flavors to the 'mood' of the day so I find it important to add them in (also us witches follow the moon so it's important). Also I write for a witch community in London so the time is set to UTC and the week starts from Monday and ends on Sundays. 

17th

Mercury Retrograde in Pisces

☽ Moon in Sagittarius square Mercury in Pisces ☽ Moon in Sagittarius square Neptune in Pisces

Energy: Today is the beginning of Mercury's retrograde period. With mercury moving reverse in Pisces we can feel like illusions hidden in our reality will pop out and escaping through our normal means would not work as well at the moment. The moon in Sagittarius might still give a overall mood of optimism but today it will square both mercury and then Neptune in Pisces creating moments of confusion between one's thoughts and feelings, or one's emotions overpowering their logical minds and strange experiences that will leave you questioning reality. With the mixture of the optimistic Sagittarius moon and it's square with Neptune we may find that we are deluding ourselves or being deceived by others in effort to keep positive. It'll also be easy to over indulge and escape reality through substance abuse. The energy of this day could be used healthily by escaping reality safely such as taking an extra nap, watching films, or partaking in anything to satisfy your imagination. However with mercury retrograding in Pisces it's best to also look at tasks you may have been putting off or aim to face hard truths in your life so that you can learn the lessons quickly and find ways to resolve them. Taking too much time to avoid issues by escaping today may result in problems snowballing later.  

Recommendations: Shadow work babey! It's mercury retrograde. (Do some divination on what you might have been lying to yourself about and how to face those tasks or what inner issues may be blocking you). Meditation, rest

________________

18th

Sun enters Pisces ☀️🐟

VOC 9:03-10:36AM Moon enters Capricorn

☽ Moon trines Uranus in Taurus ☽ Moon conjunct Mars in Capricorn

Energy: It's Pisces season!! Time for dreaminess, deep sadness, lots of rain, strange astral plane adventures when you were just trying to take a nap, and unasked for empath-transmitted feelings. When the sun is in Pisces we are guided by altruistic feelings and we tend to get lost in our imaginations. However with mercury retrograding in Pisces for some weeks, this combo might bring up some less favorable aspects of Pisces season such as deep sadness and feeling victimized by life and elusiveness. The moon today will be in Capricorn which is a great day to organizing life and getting shit together. Use this energy to dive deep into your subconscious and clean house (moon is waning now so it's a great time to cleanse, shed and banish physically, emotionally or spiritually) or at least distract yourself from whatever nightmares are hiding deep down there by cleaning your whole room!! (Yes we are responsible adults what do you mean 'problems we may be avoiding?' I've ironed my bed-sheets!) I know some people adverse to like.. getting stuff done will probably read this day's energy vibe and be like: what is she talking about? But the moon is going to conjunct Mars in Capricorn, so you WILL have the energy and drive to karate-chop tasks off your list today. The moon is also trining Uranus so if you do want to make changes to your room or home this transit will favor it. Additionally this energy will urge you to want to make changes to your routine so if you do decide to take this motivating energy to make a change in life (and not delude yourself by ironing your bed-sheets) then you will be in favor to initiate change!

Recommendations: What have you been putting off forever? Do it. Make it magical by wearing hematite or drinking some intentions-made coffee or tea.

________________

19th

☽ Moon in Capricorn square Venus in Aries ☽ Moon in Capricorn conjunct Jupiter in Capricorn

Energy: With the moon still transiting ambitious Capricorn you will feel the power to get things done. Finish what is not finished (just don't start anything new with mercury retrograding). The moon will be making two interesting transits today which are the square it will make with Venus in Aries and conjunction with Jupiter in Capricorn. The two combinations will make today a wonderful day to socialize, be generous and will surge a need for love and affection. Luck is on your side today to tackle long standing obstacles and you will get support from loved ones. However with the square of course energy can go the other way meaning if you are alone or in an unhappy relation you could potentially feel sad and lonely on this day. (Even happier relationships could potentially undergo some uncomfortable moments but you can make up for it through acts of love or trying to please your partner).

Recommendations: brewing teas or coffees for energy and ambition (with the intention to get tasks done). Money spells, self love magic, alluring glamours (to get extra attention if you are feeling lonely and needy).

________________

20th

Jupiter in Capricorn sextiles Neptune in Pisces

☽ Juno rx in Libra square Moon in Capricorn ☽ Moon in Capricorn conjuncts Pluto in Capricorn  ☽ Moon sextiles Sedna in Taurus  ☽ Moon conjunct Saturn in Capricorn

☽ VOC 2:18-7:41PM ☽ Moon enters Aquarius

Energy: Today may feel a bit heavy but is promising as it helps to bring some awareness or enlightenment to anything that may be plaguing you (especially in the realm of romance or self worth). A major transit that will peak today will be Jupiter in Capricorn sextiling Neptune in Pisces. It will bring good energy, harmony and expansion to spiritual awareness or even enlightenment. This will be amplified by the moon in Capricorn conjunct Pluto which can bring up deep feelings hidden in the subconscious that may make you confront your shadows before you can gain the next level of awareness. To add to these flavors you also have Juno retrograding in Libra which will square the moon in Capricorn in addition to the moon conjunct Saturn in Capricorn which will all bring up very heavy and bitter feelings towards relationships not fulfilling our needs of affection or extreme loneliness. Finally the moon will sextile Sedna in Taurus which could be a beneficial connection to find the light in the dark of the situation. Though the other lunar transits will call for emotional maturity, the confrontation of our shadows, and caring for ourselves instead of seeking it in a partner, this sextile with Sedna along with Jupiter sextile Neptune could bring moments of enlightenment and finding ways to create something positive in our personal dark depths.

The moon will be void of course for most of the day so any spells you wish to send out should wait until the moon enters Aquarius which will bring a mood of improvement or need of change which could help change the pace if we are seeking ways to improve our behavior.

Recommendations: Shadow Work again but with more effort this time. Self-therapy exercises such as free-writing (free stream of consciousness writing), self care/self love magic, bath magic

________________

21st

Mars in Capricorn trines Uranus in Taurus

☽ Moon squares Uranus in Taurus ☽ Moon conjunct Ceres in Aquarius

Energy: Uranus the planet of surprises and changes is going to be making a few exciting cameos today in the realm of aspects. With Mars trining Uranus, we may get a huge drive to start new things (please don't) and with the moon squaring Uranus we will feel the pressure to seek out anything exciting. The two aspects together can create a drive for new experiences (which is ok with mercury retrograde as long as you are just exploring and not making any long term commitments), and also strong sexual drive and emotional impulsiveness. Finding a hook up today should come easy and you might suddenly find someone new that will catch your eye or an exciting infatuation but if you are in a relationship then try to channel this mars energy towards an ongoing project cause with the moon squaring Uranus, emotional outbursts and rapid mood swings especially with close ones could blow up today and drama could easily escalate.

With the moon conjunct Ceres in Aquarius we may feel the need to cater to ourselves or loved ones and would probably find emotional satisfaction in volunteering for the community or helping a friend. (Who knows if you are single you could probably find a hottie volunteering with you and that Mars trining Uranus could be pretty beneficial). Self-care or self fulfillment might arise in strange or surprising ways today (especially with the moon squaring Uranus). Treat yourself to something new like a new restaurant, dish, movie, or activity today. If you are low on money try a new hobby you've always wanted to check out. With mercury in retrograde its a good time to experiment, so even if you get that 'I can't start any new projects cause I have anxiety that it won't come out perfect' it doesn't matter cause you shouldn't be aiming to finish anything fool!! It's mercury retrograde!! Just bust open those watercolors you've been wanting to use forever and chill the fuck out!!

Recommendations: sex magic to attract opportunities, brewing coffees and teas with intention to get work done, protection magic, trying something new, doing blessings for friends and loved ones.

________________

22nd

Sun in Pisces sextiles Uranus in Taurus

☽ Juno rx in Libra sextiles Moon in Aquarius ☽ Moon conjunct Eros in Aquarius  ☽ Moon squares Sedna in Taurus

☽ VOC 4:08am-6:37am

Energy: The energy of yesterday can carry on to today but be amplified as the Sun in Pisces gets in the mix with the Uranian energies pushing new opportunities and excitement. The Sun will sextile Uranus in Taurus bringing pleasant surprises and stimulating encounters. Everything from creativity, socializing and discovering new things will be in focus today. Today may be awful to sticking to routines and will bring a lot of distractions but on the bright side with new experimentation can bring new routines and easier ways to doing things.

The lunar transits will add to this with the Moon conjunct the sexual asteroid Eros in Aquarius which will bring an intense emotional need to fulfill our passions and desires. New hook ups could seem appealing, new sexual explorations could be rewarding. With Juno rx in Libra sextiling the Moon in Aquarius we could feel longing to connect with someone who could bring these desires to reality OR with mercury retrograde we may feel the need to contact our ex lovers and re-unite (maybe don't.) To add to this Uranian dynamic of the day bringing surprises, new experiences and amplifying our passionate desires, the moon will square Sedna creating tension to find ways to manifest these desires to light. If this energy is ignored it may create tension where we will feel bitter and neglected or victimized by life (adding to another day in the string of us feeling lonely and that no one wants us to have exciting Eros in Aquarius sex with) but fear not as the life-giving energy of Sedna could be used in a way to channel this intense passionate emotional energy into art or projects. If projects aren't cutting it you can get it out through venting online. However the major solar transit flowing harmoniously with Uranus could bring about many exciting distractions that could help deter you from feeling low or calling your ex. (Who knows maybe you won't need an ex if you meet the hottie with the transits yesterday.)

Recommendations: Avoid manifestations since the moon is void of coursing for a chunk of the day. Use the time to reflect and focus on art or mental exploration. If you still crave some magical activities then consider making new magical tools or exploring a new aspect of your craft. Trying new things will be beneficial today. It will also be nice to start new things as the new moon is tomorrow so it could flavor the next lunar cycle.

________________

23rd

New Moon in Pisces

☽ Moon conjunct Mercury rx in Pisces ☽ Moon conjunct Neptune in Pisces

Jupiter in Capricorn squares Venus in Aries

Energy: This New Moon may bring some MESSY FEELINGS about. As if a Moon transiting Pisces wasn't enough, the new moon amplifying energy will cross over Mercury's retrograde and the ruler of Pisces, Neptune. In addition to all this Jupiter in Capricorn is going to square Venus in impulsive Aries. This hot mess sadness sandwich will bring a day of our ugly truths (usually being hidden by shimmery illusions to cope, now ripped off like a blistering band-aid mark thanks to Mercury rx) coming out to flaunt itself like a street flasher busting open his trench coat. With the moon conjunct Neptune along with Venus squaring Jupiter today will be the PRIME day where we will feel the deep urge to drown ourselves in over indulgence or escape. Escaping might not be as easy with the mercurial retrograde and you could even get consequences with overspending with the Venus x Jupiter square. In addition you should absolutely apply some self psychic-protection as the lunar transit conjunct Neptune will bring a huge sense of empath and psychic abilities which could be overwhelming and confusing.

To use the energy of today positively you should make the commitment to confront what has been bothering you or the truths you have been ignoring and make a plan this lunar cycle to act on it. New moon in Pisces allows us to accept imperfections in ourselves and take a leap of faith in something we have always believed in but were too afraid to put our trust in. Look deep within yourself to the dreams you have been neglecting or ignoring and act on them. That's what mercury might try to bring to the surface.

Recommendations: Vision boards! Art based magic, protection magic, affirmations to go after your dreams, purging/release by crying, making charm bags to help succeed in achieving our goals.

[faintwalker]

I didn’t want to hijack this post to ramble about fandom stuff, so I’m leaving it as a link.  Now I’m going to ramble about Itsuwaribito and redemption.

Two things I love about Itsuwaribito: it doesn’t paint morality as a black and white concept, and it consistently gives the message that it’s never too late to change your actions going forward.  In many ways, the story sends a message that anyone can be redeemed-- it’s something they have to do themselves, and they might never be able to make up for all they’ve done, but it’s never too late to make positive changes in the world.

Uzume is, of course, a textbook example of what I said above, with Choza serving as a slightly quieter version of it (as he’s less direct about admitting his goals), but they aren’t the only villains to take that route.  Ryubi chooses to spend the rest of his life atoning for his crimes by caring for a person he’s hurt while living among the survivors of those he had incited the massacre of.  He may not be as “good” of a person as Choza or Uzume, (and he definitely isn’t as liked by the readers,) but he still works towards redemption.

The manga has quite a bit of death, but another repeated message is that everybody’s life has value.  Perhaps for this reason, there aren’t a lot of redemption = death characters throughout the plotline.  Don’t get me wrong, there are several small-time villains who go along quietly with their arrest by the police where it’s uncertain if they will survive or not, but that isn’t presented as “redemption.”  The liar hunter from volume two is perhaps the closest of this bunch to it, as he turned himself in out of... guilt?  Regret?  Whatever it was, it felt like a personal choice to not “live” with the consequences and make change.  Out of characters actively choosing death as a form of redemption, the best example would be the Nadeshiko Island Tanuki, and that seemed to be largely due to circumstances.  (Honorable mention to Mami, who lived, but that was... even more complicated.)  Overall, the narrative tends to favor redemption as an act of the living.

Not everyone lives, though, and similarly, not everyone gets redeemed.  My favorite example here is Iriya.

The thing about Iriya is that it wasn’t that redemption wasn’t possible for him, but that he didn’t believe it was.  He had himself thoroughly convinced he was a bad person and that it was all he could ever be.  Unfortunately, the person who would have been best able to convince him otherwise hated him deeply for personal reasons (that were Iriya’s own fault, really).

Iriya dies completely unredeemed.  His last thoughts, though, were perhaps the first steps of his towards redemption, which kind of makes it all the more tragic.  Also tragic is how he has nobody in-story who will mourn for him.  (Again, this is his own fault, but that doesn’t make it less sad.)

This series had many characters people might hope to see redeemed.  We get that with Uzume and Choza, but not with Kuroha and Saiha or the above-mentioned Iriya, but these are all people who would have been (or were) happier leading better lives.

(Spoilers past here for the Gin arc through to the end of the manga!)

“But wait!” someone might say, “didn’t some more major villains die?  Didn’t most of them, really?  What about Hikae?”

Gin’s death wasn’t redeeming in any way, though he had a few regrets at the end.  He also wasn’t “irredeemable,” though it seemed unlikely for him to ever go for such a thing.

Inspired by Uzume, Kagyu seems to have taken the “redemption through living” route.

Nue’s death had nothing to do with redemption and everything to do with “saving” him and countless potential people in the future.

What about Hikae?

Hikae ended up with a tough choice: betray his friends or betray his god.  He couldn’t choose either, and in the end rationalized a third choice for himself.  Maybe he thought the only way he could avoid betraying his most important person was by dying.  Clearly he suffered from suicidal ideation throughout the series, and I can’t help but think that affected his choice.  Why is he in this post?  He’s definitely a grey enough character, all things considered.  Really, redemption in this series isn’t limited to villains, but if I want to write about Utsuho or Neya or someone, I’ll do it in another post.

[evakuality]

Episode seven of this ongoing series of mine: one in which I spend far too much time on one set of clips because the differences fascinated me too much.  The earlier episodes can be found here:

Episode one          Episode two          Episode three

Episode four          Episode five          Episode six

The guru talks in these two episodes are so interesting because they are very different.  First, the dynamic between each pair is quite distinct.  Eskild reassures Isak immediately that he’s ‘sick’ of hearing him apologise for what he said about being ‘gay gay’ and it’s clear that Isak has been angsting over this since it happened and getting on Eskild’s nerves with the depth of his apologies.  Then the teasing when Eskild works out that Isak wants some gay guruing is adorable, but Isak is unwilling to explicitly say ‘you’re my guru’ despite reluctantly agreeing to it in principle.  He’s ready to walk away from the conversation before doing that and Eskild knows when he’s gone too far and lets Isak talk.  Hans is a lot less welcoming when Matteo first shows up, though he does say he doesn’t need to apologise and Matteo says he wasn’t planning to.  At this point, Hans has been absent for a while and so this is probably their first meeting post-disastrous ‘gay gay’ talk.  That it’s so different to Isak’s shows just how different this dynamic is.  Matteo doesn’t feel a need to apologise which tends to suggest he doesn’t feel like what he said was ‘wrong’ the way Isak does.  And in fairness to him, Hans’s reaction was much less harsh than Eskild’s and there has been time to chill since they last saw each other.  Still.  It means the idea that Matteo is trying to figure stuff out rather than judging seems more likely.  Matteo is, however, much happier to tell Hans he’s his guru ‘if it makes you happy’ so each in his own way lets his guru know what he means to him and how valued he finds him.  It’s just that they have very different styles of doing that.  Isak needs to let Eskild know how sorry he is, while Matteo needs to make Hans feel accepted and happy.

The talk itself between Isak and Eskild is very hesitant and I think Isak already knows what Eskild will say, he just wants to talk about it a bit.  It is an awkward situation and Even is still very opaque at this point so trying to decipher meaning is hard for Isak who’s still navigating his first real experience with genuine emotions.  Eskild tells Isak that guys don’t often break up with girls to be with other guys, and yet that’s exactly what Matteo has done.  Isak’s been given a fairly explicit reminder that a long relationship isn’t easily ditched and is left just as unsatisfied as before.  Matteo, on the other hand, is told that David is probably not ready to come out (which is true but not in the way Hans means, but I digress).  And Matteo is given a course of action when he asks what he should do: wait for him to be ready to stand up for himself or give up on him.  It’s very definitive, unlike Eskild’s wishy washy attempt to make things clear.  Eskild is not very reassuring here and his guruing is hilariously awkward as he tries to say what he thinks but also tries not to upset Isak.  Bonus: saying he’s not God and so he doesn’t really know everything while he tries to be not too harsh.  

This segues nicely into Matteo’s version because his is entirely bound by church and religious activities.  Hans, who is preparing an Easter meal for them all, takes Matteo away and literally into a church to have this discussion.  He may not be God, but there’s a clear suggestion that God won’t judge harshly as they have this conversation literally under his roof.  This has a lot of relevance both to each character’s relationship with his mother, and also to his relationship with religion.  Isak has effectively rejected his mother’s religion and all the texts we see from her to this point are just religious.  Matteo gets religious texts from his mother, but they are also peppered with other things like best wishes for his exams.  Isak doesn’t see his mother anymore and is visibly irritated with her religion being foisted on him, whereas Matteo is much more sanguine and has a much closer relationship with his mother.  In fact, she expects that she might see him at church this day and while he fobs her off because ‘I have to study’ it’s clear that they have some contact outside of text messages about bible verses.  This means that for Matteo, having this chat here is comforting rather than scary as it might be for Isak, who is still unsure what his parents might think of him being gay and who isn’t really willing to use that descriptor for himself as yet.  To Isak, church is something he builds up to doing, where for Matteo it’s a familiar thing, maybe not actively preset in his life but not something to be wary of.  Matteo and Hans discuss something of the comfort you can get from religion and even indulge in some rituals before they leave.  There’s hope here, for Matteo, as he’s reminded that his mother is on medication and is feeling better and he hears about the steps Hans’s has taken.  It’s a strong suggestion that nothing is static and things may look bad, but they can improve.  He’s left in a much better position than Isak at the end of this conversation.

Another difference is how defeated Matteo looks before he goes to talk to Hans (which also emphasises how much he gets out of the conversation they end up having; it’s a much lighter matteo we see at the end than at the start).  He’s so sad, despite having had such a good talk with Jonas about all his stuff.  It hasn’t been enough to make him feel completely at ease because for him it was never about ‘will people accept who I am’ and more about wanting to feel something.  So his relief isn’t as immediate as Isak’s.  Not to say Isak is truly happy here, he’s clearly very worried/concerned about what’s happening with Even, but a lot of his issues were what Jonas would think and that’s been settled and so he’s a lot less caught up in the whole sad mess.  For this reason, we never see Isak destroy (or rather damage because it does come back later) any of the gifts/messages from Even the way Matteo does to David’s ‘it’s not you it’s me’ drawing.  That’s partly because Matteo is a more impulsive and aggressive character but also partly because the issues are/were different for him and so he’s still a maelstrom of emotion.  This only makes the end of this scene more poignant, of course, because for Matteo it’s the real start of healing.  For Isak that process was well underway with the Jonas talk.

This difference in what they were feeling carries through into the scenes with Sana and Amira.  Matteo’s in fact, combines two scenes between Isak and Sana and so hits with everything it has right in one go.  But even if they were split as Isak’s are, the tone is different.  Isak and Sana are in school and competing for who has the right answer.  Isak is in his element and doesn’t feel a need to make amends with her (mostly because he didn’t drive Sana away the way Matteo did with Amira), and so it’s much more casual than matteo who has set up a study zone and made sure to be prepared and to prove to Amira that he really does value her.  As Isak does with Sana but they show it in different ways.  Isak has intellectual battles with Sana, bouncing ideas off her and sparring with her about their work, proving that he values her brain and her abilities and they both clearly enjoy the debate.  Matteo shows with the way he carefully prepares everything that he’s taking Amira seriously and appreciates her help and effort.  There’s a lot more weight given to Vilde and her ‘are you gay? Yay I love gays’ message to Isak than Kiki’s to Matteo, because for Isak this is his nightmare: everyone finding out and facing once again that possibility of rejection.  The situation panics him a lot.  It becomes obvious as Isak questions her, that Sonja and Emma between them have been telling people and Isak can’t hide from it now.  He’s clearly stressed and anxious about it.  Matteo really doesn’t care if he’s outed in many ways: he’s ready and willing to shower the object of his affection with love and attention as publicly as he’s allowed to.  Having Kiki ‘support’ him this way is just irritating rather than anything that genuinely rattles him.  Having said that, he’s genuinely happy that Amira apologises (in her own roundabout unique way) for what she said about ‘genetic dead ends’ and he thanks her for her support.  Clearly, there are ways he welcomes support and there are ways he doesn’t (or maybe it’s just that he likes Amira and finds Kiki annoying at the best of times).  

The way they come out to the boys is fascinating too.  Isak is effectively forced into it because of the rumours at school which Magnus helpfully updates us and him on in the most oblivious sort of way and makes the whole thing that much harder for Isak, because now it’s ‘hilarious’ that he’s gay.  Matteo is asked about it by Carlos who has heard it through the rumour mill.  Its taken out of his hands a bit, but that doesn’t seem to worry him since he’s far more ready to be open about it already.  For him, the big thing now is whether he can get David back because he still stubbornly ‘can’t believe’ that David means he doesn’t want him (with good reason; it’s obvious they had something good).  We can hear Isak’s nerves in his voice and in the very long pause before he says ‘we had a thing’ whereas Matteo just seems to be stalling because he’s not sure how to say it, not because he’s scared to say it.  Isak is clearly taken aback when the boys starts arguing about bisexuality vs pansexuality as if he’d expected a bigger, weirder reaction, and he’s quick to reiterate for these boys just like he did for Eskild that he’s not ‘gay’ just because he likes Even.  Matteo shares an amused look with Jonas during this same conversation and in his case is very comfortable saying he ‘believes’ he’s gay.  He doesn’t have the same hangups about that side of things, which is becoming more and more clear.  He wants to be ‘normal’ (his word) and also ‘gay’ and wants to reconcile the two things, but he’s still willing to accept the label even with the perceptions that don’t seem to fit him.  The ‘point’ of Matteo’s meetup with the boys is for him to apologise for his behaviour the other day and to make it up and spend time with them so for him the question comes out of nowhere, and yet it doesn’t phase him and he’s not worried about it in the same way Isak is.

One scene that differs for Matteo here is the one where he starts cleaning up his act, literally.  It’s a lovely visual metaphor for his state of mind and how much better he’s feeling now, and it also reminds us of how he feels about David even now when he hasn’t seen him in so long and is basically clinging to hope rather than any real indication that he can salvage anything out of this relationship.  Of course this leads to his conversation with Sara which mirrors Isak’s with Emma later but goes into more depth and in which he has more to apologise for.  I think he makes the leap to Sara here because he knows he feels about David the way she potentially felt about him and so he knows he owes her something.  We see more of how much she means to him compared to the relatively more superficial version Isak does with Emma.  This is partly because Matteo was actually in a relationship with Sara vs Isak and his casual hookups with Emma which she read more into than he promised.  But it’s also partly down to their difference in personality.  Matteo’s caring side is much closer to the surface and he seems to want to shower those he loves with affection.  The biggest example of this is of course David, but it’s also true of others including Sara.  Isak’s caring is hidden behind his sarcasm and grumpy persona and I don’t think it’s a surprise that once he was feeling better with his boys his first reaction is to roast Magnus for having no game.  This is what he’s like when he’s feeling good  Matteo doesn’t do that sort of thing and never has.  Instead we see his genuine concern that Sara has been bottling up her worries about her father and his job.  Having learned for himself that it’s important to talk to people to keep yourself healthy and happy (ish), he offers her the same advice he got.

The drinking scenes with the boys where they coach Isak and Matteo through texting Even and David go mostly the same.  Both boys experience the support and caring of their friends, both talk about irrelevant things with them while they do so and both are talked into basically sending an ultimatum.  They’re both reconnected with these groups and feel welcomed and at ease with them.  The one big difference is the way they greet Even vs David at the door.  They’re both anxious and excited, which we can see in their body language, but Isak takes one look at Even and despite being told to be chill and distant and play hard to get he goes straight in for a kiss and then things progress very quickly from there.  Matteo takes one look at David and has no idea how to react at all.  They stare at each other awkwardly before falling into a hug it seems like they both need.  I think Matteo is still a little more vulnerable and fragile about things, which makes sense because he got a much harsher rejection earlier.  He’s not really in a spot where he’d be ready for sex, even if David was.

This was the last time the episodes really line up properly because the things that happen as we progress are so different and come from such different places that it’s going to be interesting to look at the ways the differences in the two of them affect how they react to what is coming.  There are still similarities, of course, but starting with David’s confession the timing and purpose of events really diverge.

Episode eight can be found here

[spongeguyandlelouchvibridankia]

Phinabella Christmas

She was used to staring at him.

 She had been staring at him making inventions for the better part of 14 years now.

 But sometimes, a girl wanted a change, you know?

 Standing in the living room, eternally staring, was Isabella Garcia-Shapiro.

 Now 20 years old, the former Fireside scout (she was hoping to return as a counselor one day) spent her days in a 2 room apartment with Phineas Flynn, the man she had loved from the moment she laid heart shaped eyes on him.

 Her hand slid down the turquoise couch, feeling it’s percuiliar hard softness.

 She had never thought they would graduate so quickly.

 Or live in an apartment.

 Phineas liked bigger houses, but he apparently wanted to buy a house since his inventions tended to disappear and he wasn’t going to endanger their financial security like that.

 Which was sweet, but at the same time, very small.

 But somehow, that was not the problem this time.

 Oh, no, Isabella had no complaints (Phineas was her everything, and living and loving with him was a treat).

 It was just that he was once again trying too hard.

 It was, in a way, very flattering, and she blushed a bit as she looked at his progress on what he called “The Tree Room”, a tree so big each decoration was a pocket dimension that contained a Christmas tradition, thus making it not feel so small due to the size of the apartment.

 But, oddly enough, Isabella’s critique was not what he expected.

 Wiping some sweat off his brow, Phineas observed his handiwork so far, his biceps a little sore, but his smile not wavering yet.

 “This was a lot easier with Ferb…”, he thought, reminescing. Not that Phineas was an amature at this, but Ferb had always been the superior construction man.

 Phineas was more of a canvass guy, an idea guy. The building parts were always a little harder for him (though definitely as fun!).

 His mind raced as he calculated what still needed to be done. It could take two more montages, but it should be done before the evening starts, giving them enough time to enjoy Christmas eve before the big day comes.

 Turning to Isabella, who was still staring, he smiled brightly, sweat slightly staining his yellow shirt.

 “Well… What do you think so far?”

 He so wanted positive affirmation, and Isabella would normally have given it to him, but she knew that as his girlfriend and his friend, she had to be honest.

 “…Well… Um…”

 She approached him, holding his hand as he gulped down a glass of water in a flash.

 “This might sound a bit odd, but…”

 Isabella took a deep breath, unsure. Could she really tell him? He worked so hard on it, and he always meant well and…

 “Isabella…”, Phineas started, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

 She blushed and smiled softly as he said “You can tell me anything! Please, tell me what you think! Your thoughts matter to me!”

 “Ok…”, she thought, recollecting herself. “I can do this…”

 Now composed, she sat down on the couch with him and talked calmly.

 “I feel like ever since… What happened…”

 It had been 8 years, but it still affected them all greatly.

 “…Well, you see… You seem to try really hard to make everything so BIG and SPECTACULAR.”

 Phineas nodded, feeling a pang of sadness at the mention of what happened to him. It still affected him at night.

 He wanted to make sure everyone would be happy since then.

 “…I just think that maybe a nice and quiet Christmas eve, just the two of us, would be really great!”

 Phineas was a little surprised at this. He was sure that Isabella loved his big and spectacular stuff!

 “Oh, really? I thought you like my… Well, what the narrator said.”

 “Oh, I do! I do! It’s just… It would be nice to do something different.”

 “Like what? Should I draw up some plans? Maybe ask Ferb? Ooh, Candace should know! She is married to Jeremy!”

 Grabbing his phone, he began to dial, but Isabella stopped him.

 “Phineas, it really doesn’t matter! I’d love to do anything with you, just… Let’s try something less big. I don’t need carols, or giant trees, or rooms full of egg nog to have fun with you.”

 She cuddled up to him and kissed his cheek. “I just need you.”

 Phineas grinned, blushing now too. “Gee, Isabella, now I’m all flustered and stuff!”

 He kissed her cheek back. “Yeah, I guess I do tend to go a little overboard…”

 “A little?”, she smirked, eyebrow raised.

 Phineas chuckled. “Ok, the robot that can’t stop singing Christmas Carols in top volume WAS pretty out there…”

 He stood up, holding her close. “I guess I can try for something less time consuming.”

 “It gets pretty lonely until you’re done…”, she admitted.

 “Well, it won’t be! I make all this every year to make you happy! And that’s what really matters to me. You are my world, Isabella!”

 He smiled and once again she was in heaven. “Ok… Let’s do something different.”

 He then grinned. “And I think I know the perfect small thing!”

  An hour later…

 “Ouch!”

 All he could see was ice.

 Then, as she picked him up, all he could see was her.

 Sheepishly rubbing the back of his head, he blushed. “I gotta say, I remember being way better at ice skating.”

 “It’s been a while.”, Isabella offered, and he held her hand.

 “Guide me?”, he asked, winking.

 She giggled and sighed, happier than ever.

 “Always.”

[comicteaparty]

January 22nd-January 28th, 2020 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from January 22nd, 2020 to January 28th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

How do you react to comics going on hiatus, and how does that affect your readership for it?

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Being a webcomic artist, I'm always very understanding when an author needs a break. Life happens, and most of us are hobbyists. I will wait as long as it takes for the comic to come back, even if that means years. I'll keep checking in every few months unless the artist makes a post saying the comic is dead and they're moving on (and if 'moving on' means starting a new comic, I'll usually start following it). I have quite a few life circumstances that have forced long hiatuses of my own comics, so I feel it would be a tad hypocritical of me to give up on a comic that needs a long break or has to update very infrequently for a while. Also since I have trouble following a lot of comics at once, my reading list is fairly short and it's easier for me to be very dedicated to and patient with the comics I do read.(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Even before I started doing webcomics, I knew it wasn't the end of the world when a comic went on hiatus. Like, it's free entertainment, I don't blame the author for not sticking to a specific schedule. As for if it affects my readership... yeah? I usually stop checking in after a year or so if a comic hasn't had any updates, and even in that time I don't check up very often. And I don't often re-read hiatus'd comics until they come back off hiatus (as a sort of refresher) so they don't usually get my readership that way either.

varethane

I don't have any hard feelings when creators go on hiatus, whatever their reasons; life happens, webcomics are a lot of work for (often) little compensation, and people's priorities change over time. It's fine. I am one of those readers who is often prone to having a short attention span, though, so I confess that if a comic goes on hiatus and its creator isn't active on social media, there's a pretty good chance I'll lose track of it. And if the comic returns after a hiatus of more than a year, it may take some months before I will come back as a reader, just because I would need to reread the story in order to catch back up with what's going on.

SAWHAND

I don't tend to keep up with webcomics on a day-to-day basis anyway. I prefer to wait and then be able to binge-read a whole chapter or at least a few pages at a time. I actually really like when comics do a brief hiatus in between chapters to build up a backlog of pages and then post a lot of pages quickly (more than someone usually would do anyway) and then go back on hiatus. Kind of like seasons on tv.

Deo101 [Millennium]

I just had a hiatus that went longer than a year so I can't really fault an artist for needing a break. I understand, and also it doesnt bother me too much because I just read whenever there is an update, it's not like I'm checking at the scheduled time or anything! When it updates, I'll be there.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Life happens, circumstances change, people grow. So many of us are making webcomics at very transformative times of our lives - we can outgrow the stories, get tired of them, or begin to associate them with bad memories (poor artistic partnerships, commercial failures, etc). If a really good webcomic I follow goes on hiatus, of course I'll be disappointed. But behind every webcomic is an author with a life. If the webcomic is keeping their life from improving, then screw the webcomic. I'm always far more concerned about the person.(edited)

I get SO much joy watching webcomics come back after a long hiatus. It's worth any sadness felt during the hiatus itself. And I'm not happy just because the story is back - but because it's a sign that the author has taken care of themselves. You can often feel it in the new pages. It's really cool and good to see.

2

January 23, 2020

Kabocha

I think it depends on the comic. I prefer it when a creator can say, "hey, I'm going on hiatus" so I know to stop checking (or to set my expectations accordingly). They don't necessarily have to post an end date, but if they can, that's always good! Sometimes creators just stop updating, and that's fine too. But one's comic's site is going to be the central hub for anything regarding your comic's news, too. There are some comics where... I'm a little less understanding of hiatuses with complete silence -- and these are usually ones that have an actual publisher backing them and paying for the project's completion. Like, I get that life gets in the way, but when making said comic is your job -- or you have a perceived contractual obligation, maybe your publisher ought to step up and say something if the project is on hold or delayed or something. There's something about the line between "I am doing this project for free and the occasional donation" versus "I am getting paid for this project's completion as a product" that kind of... I dunno, makes the whole thing feel a little different? Like, sure, it might be up for free online, but like... when there's an actual publisher or platform paying the creator to make it it and they've got editors and stuff... It's less like someone's brain baby and more like a product. I actually have a folder in my favorites for comics on hiatus, but ArchiveBinge also tells me when they updated last, so... Not a huge deal. My ability or desire to read a project isn't hugely affected by a comic's status on hiatus, but I have found with some comics that come back years after going on a break... Well, I've changed enough that I'm no longer their target audience. And it can suck to realize that.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

@LadyLazuli (Phantomarine) Oh man, your comment about being able to feel that an author has taken care of themselves after coming back from a long hiatus reminded me of when I once returned a comic from a 3 year long hiatus. I had put it on hiatus after a ‘friend’ completely ripped it apart and essentially called it trash. I was already going through some really bad stuff IRL and I lost all motivation to keep going. But three years later I came back, and the colours in the pages were so much brighter and more vibrant. The change was so obvious a reader actually gave me an impassioned speech about how the previous muted, greyish palette was a a better fit for the story. But only a few pages later they changed their mind and said they were wrong; the more vivid colours worked after all. I think maybe they could see how happy I was to be working on it again.... and maybe just how much happier I was in general. Sorry for the long anecdote; that second paragraph just really hit home for me. (edited)

MJ Massey

I think it depends on a few factors for me. In general I am pretty understanding of hiatus in general - it can be really good for the creator to take a break and set things in order for themselves as well as putting out work they enjoy rather than rushing to get a page out. Especially if this is someone's side gig. I appreciate it all the more if the creator can be honest. Even if they can't give a return date, coming out and saying "I can't work on this comic right now" is enough and perfectly fine

I get annoyed if someone who is PAID to make a comic just disappears and won't take responsibility. If it's your job, then you can't just run away from it. Again, even saying something like "I cannot work on the comic for now" is fine, but don't just run off and make some vague remarks on your social media that's not even where your readers normally engage with you.

I also agree that any partners, like a publisher or editor, that might be employing said artist could also step up and let readers know what's going on. If any of that happens, I am happy to wait as long as it takes

Readers are more understanding than you think, it's okay to just come out and say you're gonna miss updates, need time off, etc. You don't need to say anything more than that.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I'm not quite understanding the hostility towards people who get paid for creating webcomics, but hiatuses aren't something i could really call our personal business to make any calls regarding their obligations. Like @LadyLazuli (Phantomarine) said, life happens and circumstances change. I'm pretty sure whomever the creator is with has their own reasons as creative projects evolve differently for everyone and that their parties concerned have dealt with it in a necessary way. That is just the nature of them, we won't know or understand the full picture, and while i get being disappointed, it's not something that can be helped! I encourage hiatuses in fact, because webcomics are A LOT of work!! It can give the creator time for revisions, writing the story, and general self reflection of the project. I've stated this before on twitter, but ppl tend to forget that webcomics are typically made by 1-2 ppl and can produce the quality/quantity easily created by a small studio. Take a break!

Kabocha

It's not a hostility thing necessarily, but I do think that when, like, an actual publisher is involved, there should be some sort of expectation of... I dunno, communication? Traditionally published books and such get delayed (and canceled), but usually there's some form of communication as to the change in release dates or if it's going to come out at all. I think that's more or less the expectation with something that's being paid for by a publisher: That there's some form of communication between the audience regarding the story's state or future. It doesn't have to be a total "HI THIS IS MY LIFE" just more of a "hi the comic's on hold". But hiatuses, I think, are maybe different than a break? As a creator, I traditionally take a break between chapters to do editing and such, but I think a hiatus tends to be more... unplanned for. (and I'm not exempt from going on hiatus - I've had issues this winter that made it necessary for me to tell my readers "hi I'm not updating until april". So I'm sympathetic to health/life -- but I do think a "hi the comic's on hold" on the comic's site is warranted in a lotta cases.)

(or hell, even a "the comic's canceled" is fine too hoo boy, I just saw one that I wasn't aware of that got canceled for life issues... I feel for the creators.)

RebelVampire

I'm kind of on the higher standard for creators who are being paid to do it as a job train. At least a higher standard of communication. Cause I never really consider the hiatus itself the problem, but how the author communicates about the hiatus. Cause again, when being paid to do something, I just kind of expect more professionalism, and communication is a huge part of professionalism.

Kabocha

I think webcomics with a publisher -- like, an actual "hi we are paying you to produce this work" that isn't just patreon -- it's more of a commercial work. In one of the cases I have in mind, they're paid to do it per-page, through a well-known webcomics publisher. Sure, the creator loses out, because they're not being paid, but it is also a commercial work in the end. They have an editor, ostensibly someone to communicate with them and the manager, and went through some sort of acquisitions process to sell the work to that publisher. Kinda like the difference between "hi this is my fanfic" versus "hi this is my book that I got put through a small press pub"

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I agree. Ghosting your paying customers is very unprofessional. Just informing readers that there’s a break or cancellation feels necessary if money’s involved. I‘d feel pretty burned if a comic I was pledging for on patreon just stopped updating for more than a few months without any communication whatsoever. A quick note that says ‘Hey, my comic is on break for an indeterminate amount of time because I need to take care of some things / am creatively exhausted / whatever other vague reason’ and I would understand. But if I’m paying the creator and they just vanish without a word, you can bet I won’t trust them enough to pay them again even if they come back later.

RebelVampire

Yeah. Those are my feels too. That it doesn't even need to be some essay message. It's just the giving a heads up so you're not sitting there staring wondering if someone fell into the abyss.

Nutty (Court of Roses)

You can say Tessa Stone, it's okay.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I... I don’t know who that is?

Nutty (Court of Roses)

She was the author of Hanna is Not a Boy's Name. Very popular webcomic, did a kickstarter for a book, then vanished with the money, and reappeared four years later working for another company.

Kabocha

That's... Not who was in mind.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Oh wow that’s scummy.

I’d read the comic waaaaay back but dropped it long before there was a KS.

Nutty (Court of Roses)

Yeah. Other than that, I always understand when hiatuses happen, we all have lives outside our comics.

RebelVampire

Professional comics aside, overall, for me, my reaction to a comic going on hiatus depends on a ton of factors. I will preface this first part, is that I'm always understanding of it. Life happens, interests change, etc. etc. etc. I would never tell a creator not to go on hiatus or that they were magically a bad creator or something for needing to stop for a bit (or indefinitely). People should take care of themselves both physically and emotionally first, so I get why hiatuses happen. That being said, I as a reader also have my own life. And the fact of the matter is, there are thousands of comics out there to read - many of which are not on hiatus. So I'd be lying if I said a hiatus had no effect on whether I'd continue to read a comic. That being said, it's not like a hiatus will make me instantly drop a comic either. This is where the many factors come in. Like how much do I love the comic? Has the creator communicated about the length of the hiatus and given a heads up? Does the comic have a very unreliable history of hiatusing and coming back and then immediately hiatusing etc.. Which again, I get and sympathize with creators and hiatuses. But there's a point where you just gotta move on if the comic's updating isn't to your liking.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

also i just want to chime in and say that as one of those people who get paid to make my comic i don't appreciate it being called commercial work. It's still the creators property and honestly the money earned doesn't change the product, nor should it change the 'merit' of a hiatus. Hiatuses are also planned and not planned. They are both breaks and unseen stops in work, they are necessary and needed- much like vacation time or sick leave at other jobs. Having been paid for making comics shouldn't differ with who is more worthy of one. Again, they all happen with reasons the public doesn't need to fully know bc even if the work is produced 'free to read', it's still not an obligation to the readers for any full disclosure. I get being dissapointed, it's a work you enjoy, but like any type of work, schedules change, lives conflict, and projects get canceled.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I don’t think anyone is saying that we mind hiatuses when comic artists are being paid, we all explicitly stated we mind poor communication about it from the creator

Big difference

varethane

the main thing I look sideways at is a creator who ghosts their existing audience and goes incommunicado for years, and then returns with either the same product or something very similar. I'm not so much mad, as.... unlikely to keep reading their work, even once it's back? Or I'll have trouble convincing myself to dive back in, even if it still looks like it should be my thing. I'm thinking of a specific comic I used to read called Astray3, which stopped updating with no news updates sometime in like..... 2011? And then after a year or so the website went down, and I assumed that was just.... it, the creator had left comics. Then just this year I was thinking about it while talking to friends and did a google search, and discovered that it was back On a new webhost, totally rebooted and fresh, with gorgeous new art

I had no idea, lol. I guess it had been back for maybe a year or two? It's really beautiful, and if I'd found it fresh I'd probably be super excited to dive in, but I haven't gotten around to it yet and that's the only real reason I can think of as to why.

This is a personal thing though. I don't know why all that happened or what led the creator to shelve the comic, I bear them no hard feelings. I just..... may or may not start reading again (maybe I will when I get some time!! Who knows lol)

keii4ii

@varethane I gotta say I'm sort of guilty of that. I stopped working on my previous comic after I'd gotten pretty far in the story. Things happened IRL and I just couldn't keep working on that story. My main site host died (the hosting business closed), and I didn't leave a proper goodbye on my SJ mirror. Then a few years later, I came back elsewhere with a new comic. X'D I don't really have a point here (yet?), just waving a hand from the other side of the fence.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

@Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios) im responding to the commercial work comment

varethane

I don't even really think there IS a fence, lol. There are so many reasons why I may or may not read a comic, up to and including how I happen to feel on a given day; when I read something really often has more to do with my mood than with how much I feel like it 'should' appeal to me, so long breaks in updates are just one more ingredient in the big old soup of 'will I jump into this story today'

keii4ii

Yeah, readers come and go all the time, for all sorts of reasons

Deo101 [Millennium]

I'd also like to wave my hand from the side of the fence of "basically going completely radio silent" I did it because I had an incredibly difficult personal experience, that I didnt really want to share with all of my readers, and I don't think I should HAVE to share what happened in order for it to be valid for me to have dropped off like that for a while.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Exactly what Deo said

varethane

while I agree you don't need to say why, a quick news update saying 'hey something came up and this won't update for awhile, maybe forever' would be appreciated in a lot of cases

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

but the thing is, nobody said you have to say what happened It doesn't have to be a total "HI THIS IS MY LIFE" just more of a "hi the comic's on hold". like it's the difference between saying "there won't be updates for a while" and just leaving the comic hanging on the latest page with no comment.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Yeah, I don’t think anyone needs to leave a reason. But if people are paying you, just a ‘Hey this is on a break’ to the audience.

Deo101 [Millennium]

I did say "hi I'm gonna be on hiatus!" and people did still get upset with me for being gone so long so :/

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

well they were rude

varethane

I don't read anything as obsessively as I used to, but one of the first webcomics I ever read trailed off forever with 'see you next week!' as the last news update lmao

I went back to that homepage like a million times

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Theres no winning with it honestly. I haven't had a hiatus with my comic im working on now, but a previous one earned us threats when we had a break

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

People getting upset isn’t your fault. You communicated, and that’s all you needed to do. We all know some readers can be fickle or downright rude.(edited)

Deo101 [Millennium]

IN THEIR DEFENSE i did say "brief hiatus" cause the situation around it was really weird, and then it was a very not brief one

varethane

no excuse for bein rude about it tho >:U sorry to hear about that!

keii4ii

Yeeeah

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

The threats that we got and harassment definitely made me realize that you don't owe ppl any thing. It's your work, and at the end of the day, you're the one in charge. We literally don't know the reasons to the breaks of a fave creator, it could be something as simple as boredom to something dire. I again i understand the want for communication but there are times where it just doesn't come first or at all.

I think in the situation of finding a ks or something u paid for directly? Yes, you deserve that right to know. But a project that isn't going to affect u in that way, well, it's a mystery we're not owed sometimes

Deo101 [Millennium]

yeah I'm just gonna get back to making it, and if people are going to leave and be upset with me I... cant control that... so I shouldnt try or worry about it. just offering the perspective of someone who p much did drop off the face of the earth

oh yeah for something youve paid for its different

Kabocha

Allow me to say that when I say commercial work, I mean it strictly in a "This is a thing that you are making money or aiming to turn a profit from." That's it. There's a difference in expectations, I think, for something where the creator is doing it as their job vs the creator doing it as a hobby. (but also -- like, if you have a publisher or an agent, they should be stepping in to help you field things like communication!!)

But also yes -- my essential point is that communication is key.

And yes, there is an overlap between hobby and earning money off said hobby, but once a thing is available for consumption as something you're earning income off of, I think the expectations ought to be slightly different. I think it's fair to expect someone to say "hi I'm taking a break" on the comic site. Edited to clarify the "income" part of this -- I mean like, a significant portion of your income. Tips are always appreciated, but don't generate an obligation in any sense of the imagination imo. Or like. Yanno, a publishing deal? I dunno. But that gets into contractual stuff.(edited)

spacerocketbunny

As long as someone didn't literally run off with your money, I think a bit more empathy and compassion can be exercised, even if the only communication that's provided is radio silence. It just happens man, sometimes life sucks and you don't get to have a word in edge-wise. There's just so many factors as to why it can happen, it's not a divide between who does and doesn't get a paycheck for their work. Stuff happens and at the end of the day it's still free content that's available to you.

Like @RebelVampire said too, it's totally up to you what you do with your engagement when hiatuses come up

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Agreed

Basically, i hope that if ever the case a creator drops from their project without notice or any word, readers express concern and compassion

Kabocha

That is a fair expectation -- and readers need to remember not to be jerks about it.

Mei

Reading through all of this was super interesting. I think hiatuses are just something that in a medium like webcomics is something to almost 'expect'? if that makes sense? Whether it's because of personal reasons, or work reasons, or any reason that we as readers are not privy to, I think it's part of the process. Of course it's great when creators mention they're going on a hiatus, but I suppose it's also having that understanding that sometimes creators may lose the drive or motivation for what they're creating, and they need a break from it. But yeah, I think it'd be awesome for readers to show understanding for webcomics going on hiatus for a short while or indefinitely. They're a LOT of work and most of the time life takes precedent over that?

RebelVampire

I just want to add myself that jerk readers are a diff issue all together and they are legit not the readers you should care about. Cause at the end of the day, you will never ever make them happy whether you communicate or not. So ignore them and do what you need. The communication is for everyone else who isn't rude and likes your comic (whether a vocal fan or a silent fan). Cause frankly, I think it also shows a certain amount of respect as well for readers when the author communicates their status. But just to clarify in case it wasn't clear in my own statement, you are not obligated to share your life story. TBH, I don't even read people's life essays for their reasons in a lot of cases cause it's their personal business. The reasons for the hiatus are largely irrelevant. But you can still leave a small message that says "Hey I'm not gonna be updating for a bit." Like that's not an exaggeration. That's all you have to say. XD Last, I do want to add, of course there are exceptions to this with extenuating circumstances. Like I know a few people who have had all means of communication break for them - and that of course is understandable then. Since it's not that they didn't want to communicate, it's that they literally had no choice in the matter.

[kachulein]

Please hear me out, I want you to read this...

This is a post I've wanted to make months ago, I've even written it out and had it ready to post but when I did tumblr messed up and deleted it. I forgot about it for a while until there was a situation a few weeks back when I felt like a friend of mine really should read this, so I wrote it down again and sent it to them.

Then I remembered how I've wanted to make this post before and never did, and now is a time, again, where I feel like some of my friends should read this and that I just want everyone to read this in case they needed to hear something like that. So I hope you'll stick around and hear me out.

Let's begin.

My psychologist works a lot with resources and I feel like through that she's been helping me change my mindset from a negative to a positive one. I've realized how powerful our minds can be and how we have the power to decide how much certain things affect us and how we go on about them and how we view certain situations. The thing is, even without the issue changing, you can make it easier to deal with it by changing your perspective. Now, I'm not saying this is as easily done as it's said because it definitely is a journey and a long process since you can't simply change the way you view situations, problems, even life as a whole overnight but I think it is worth it and it is what eventually will help you overcome dark times.

There's this quote that goes along the lines of "Happy people aren't grateful, it's the grateful people that are happy."

And there's a lot more to this quote. We often find ourselves asking what is real happiness? When am I really happy? How can I be happy or will I ever be happy? The thing is, you can only experience happiness when you know sadness as well, and one cannot exist without the other. However, sadness isn't anything bad and we shouldn't label it as a negative emotion. It's simply that, an emotion and emotions need to be felt and let out in order to make yourself feel more relieved. Bottling stuff up will always lead to greater pain, so I hope you have someone you can talk to when feeling down or that you write down how you feel in a diary, even if there's no one that listens, it can feel freeing to get stuff out of your system by writing it down. I also think we often feel confused and like we have a huge chaos in our head and by writing down what's going on and how we feel, we try to organize our emotions and feelings and it may also help making you feel less suffocated.

The thing with life is, it won't magically become amazing and you won't magically feel happy, but that's pretty obvious, right. There will always be fucked up things happening, there will always be sorrow, pain, and trauma and sadly, we can't change that. However, you can change your perspective on these subjects. You have the power to decide how you view life and everything involving it and you have the power to create your own happiness. Like the quote is implying, it's not that people are just happy, it's people who make an effort (in this example by being grateful) to achieve happiness. And this can seem impossible to many people because you might ask, what can I do to feel happy? I think I've learned a way how you can do that.

At first, it definitely isn't something that just magically works but you can start by slowly shifting your mindset and take on another point of view. There will be setbacks and times when you feel like you're back to square one, but that's okay. The important thing is that you're trying to make a change and with time it will come easier to you. It's taken me 2 years already and I'm still not at a point where I can say I'm a happy person, but I've noticed how it's slowly getting better and how I'm walking into the right direction, and I do think it's a journey worth taking.

When we watch the news on television, everything is always so sad and depressing, right? We hear about all the bad things that are going on in the world and it makes us lose faith in humanity. However, at the same time there's also a lot of good things going on. There's people helping people, there's people helping animals, there's people fighting for what they think is right and there's people trying to make a change. We're always fed negativity and positive things get swept under the rug and aren't of as much importance which is sad because I think these things are what would give hope to the people. But it's not just the media that's doing that, it's also ourselves; our brains. We naturally tend to focus on the negative things, we think about everything we want and don't have in life, we think about everything that's negative and all the problems and issues all the time, all the while forgetting to pay attention to good things happening around us and to what we actually have in life.

I know, it may sound stupid and you may think "everything is shit, I feel like shit, everything is breaking down around me WHY ON EARTH should I pay attention to small, unimportant 'good things' now" or you may feel like there's nothing good left in your life. I surely used to think like that and I was pissed when my psychologist put so much focus on positive things instead of talking about my problems, however, with time I've realized it was necessary and I needed that. If you've looked at a happy person, you may have realized it's not that they have a perfect life with no problems and are happy because of that, what actually makes them happy is the different way they view life and how they find happiness in the small things of life. There's rich people who could technically get everything they want or may already have everything they want, yet they are deeply unhappy. And then there's people living on a budget and you might think 'they must have it hard' and they probably do, but they are happy and it leaves us mind-blown because we don't understand how they can be happy without having a "perfect" situation in life.

There's things you can do to start paying attention to the small, good things in life and even if it seems pointless and unimportant it will help you reprogram your mindset. One thing that is very important is to practice gratitude. Be grateful for the things you have each day, you may write it down for it to be more effective. I know it seems dumb when you're in a dark place and everything is awful but when you try to shift your focus from everything that is negative and makes you feel bad to things that make you feel good, it will reflect positively on you as a whole. These things you're grateful for don't have to be huge, in fact it's just small things. You can be grateful for having good food to eat, you can be grateful for warm and sunny weather, you can be grateful for a friend you had a good conversation with or you can be grateful for having had a reason to laugh that day. Same as with gratitude, try to find small things of happiness each day. Again, it doesn't have to be huge things, it can just be really small things. You can be happy about eating your favourite food, you can be happy about listening to your favourite song or artist, you can be happy about seeing a pretty field of flowers, you can be happy about feeling the sun rays warming your skin or you can be happy about meeting a cat or a dog and petting them. Sometimes it's hard to find something to be grateful for or happy about, especially when you're really feeling bad, but if you try to write down 1-3 things you're grateful for each day and 1-3 things you're happy about each day, you will notice how you start looking for these positive things more often.

At first I thought this was bullshit and I didn't want to do it and was too lazy to do so or I felt like everything was shit and there's nothing to be happy about or grateful for. However, that is a very toxic and stubborn mindset that will only make you feel worse over time. If you really try to go through with this method and find things to be grateful for and happy about, it will get better. The use of this method is not for you to just write down stuff mindlessly and it's also not meant to make your problems any less severe, they are still there and we won't discredit the hard time you're going through. The point of this method is psychological, it's meant to teach your subconscious to lay more focus on positive things instead of negative ones. If you follow through with that and actively think about positive things, you will train your brain into shifting your mindset from a negative to a positive one and at some point you don't need to write these things down anymore because then your mind does it on its own and you can appreciate life more again because you finally notice the small, positive things you've overlooked before. (And you could also get a nice journal for this and decorate it, just make it to your own little safe space and book of happiness and resources.)

Of course, this doesn't solve your problems and there will still be things and situations to be sad or angry about and when something bad happens, you're obviously allowed to feel bad, to be angry, to feel sad and to grieve and just let it all out. That is totally okay and that is necessary, like I said, emotions are humane and here to be felt. However, what this method is teaching us, is trying to be happier despite your current situation, to make it easier for you to push through and deal with everything, to give you hope and something positive you can hold on to, something that will lift you up when you've fallen down. So I hope, this may help you in a way.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk I guess?

[gg-astrology]

I seriously love your blog, you put in so much time and effort into all of this so thank you (: What are you thoughts on cap sun, pisces moon, and scorpio rising girls?

Hey there!! 💕💕💕💕 Aaaaah thank u so much! 💕💕 I’m just Doing My Best Here 💕

[Below Cut: Capricorn Sun - Pisces Moon 💧]

Highly artistic and dreamy individual?

These people likes to escape reality into their fantasy world, has a lot of imaginative qualities to them that probably often secretly (or openly) day-dream about stuff while looking out the window (listening to music is a daily ritual/activity-- rich inner world, doesn’t like to be disturbed) 

To the people outside they may look dreamy/mysterious--- one of those rebellious type of people who’s like ‘-shrugs- yeah I like their music’ to an obscure artist or something. 

Soft smiles, often sleepy. These people enjoys sleeping and relaxing more than the typical Capricorn. They move at their own pace (slow, relax) looks laid back when they’re stress free. Laughs easier. 

Probably keeps a notebook with them skdjfnkdnf or something to take notes in will help them expresses themselves/keep track of their minds

They don’t know this but literally they’re like....kinda hipster ksjnfknsdkvn

Ah and sometimes no matter how they appea,r whether they talk about it openly or not--- they have a strange connection to the morbid/darker side of life sometimes

 The thing about these people is that they often don’t know where these ‘intuitions’ are coming from -- they may be prone to recognizing/realizing some of their emotions (like melancholic, missing someone, strong emotions) but the happier ones, or rather the more ‘neutral’ ones to them are like-- confusion???????

Because they’re kinda slow on the up-take, they can take days for Moods to let go of them (like, if they were writing a personal piece one night letting it all out-- then the next few days it’ll STILL be with them)

They’re rather observers, so they take notice/interests in things about others like their emotionality/mood quite easily

At the same time, they are kinder and much more compassionate than most Capricorn. The way they approach these things is sometimes with uncertainty, like ‘is this my business? should i say something?’ to a person they don’t know-- but to close friends, they’re quick to softly and subtlety offer their hands/energy if they need them

While they may be soft and understanding, they are however a little detached because Capricorn is quite an independent sign. If the other person needs them, they will have to seek them out. Or if the opportunity is there, then it will happen.

Don’t wait for these people to come running asking for updates on situations, sometimes the stress/empathy they have for others can affect their own moods/stress-level and mentality. So they can’t let others over-consume their brain/energy level.

Y know, like. ‘Im here for you.’ But they also expect you to know they aren’t your slave and can’t be at your every beck and call--- or there to receive the backlash of your emotions all the time

No matter how perceptive these Capricorn/Pisces gets--- they still have some consciousness/independence in them and will not stand for more than what they can handle

As in, they’ll let you know if they need a ‘time out’ from your emotional drama. It’s not you, it’s them. They can’t handle That Much emotions.

So you get this enigmatic character (for others) that adds to their appeal, sensitive and stubborn, independent yet caring. They’re a living breathing ‘soft, sensitive lover’ trope although nobody would’ve guessed it exactly (because they may not like to ‘look’ vulnerable to the surface in case anyone takes advantage of them/think they can impose themselves onto them--- they’re defensive and on-guard at All Times).

Yet knowing the Capricorn/Pisces and staying with them can be more complicated than that, they don’t even know themselves sometimes dfkjnkn so they might look for partners who sparks an understanding in them, a sense that they energize them, get them, can teach them more about themselves (because they may know them better than the Capricorn/Pisces does)

Watch that they aren’t doing this so they’re like--- getting soft and easily romanticized. These Capricorn/Pisces person can have a hard time letting go, feelings overwhelmed them but they always want to make like-- a present or something heart-felt/sincere so the other person knows they’re always appreciated and loved so much by them.

(They may be notoriously bad at saying this out loud so you’ll get like, gifts or letters to express this instead ksdjnkdn)

With Capricorn/Pisces-- because they have pretty high ideals, they also have really high moral ethics and won’t compromise their humane/ethical considerations for success.

Which--y know, is an extremely good thing because it makes them such a strong advocate for certain things. But because they do have that Pisces-- they tend to over-analyze themselves and their actions, trying to ‘catch’ themselves both past and present if they’ve ever done anything contradictory to what they strongly believe in.

If they do catch themselves being ‘hypocritical’ in situations, they’re immediately distraught. Although it’s pretty funny to bystander (that’s a lil insensitive) they also have to realize that people grow, and it’s admitting that they grow/develop change and giving this disclosure is what makes us humans in society.

The Capricorn/Pisces is stubborn, it doesn’t like to believe it was EVER wrong in it’s life. Instead of living in self-pity, these people would rather repress everything and think they do not want to live with ‘regrets’.

Past mistakes are experiences that could be made into poems/creative outlet. But letting mistakes be mistakes, just admitting that it was a mistake-- is something that’s extremely hard for them to admit to. 

Although they don’t like to admit it (and they know, they just don’t like to face the situation) -- they know they may have unchecked ego. No matter how much they strive to be compassionate, giving, better to other people. They’ll always have this fear of facing themselves, and the part of them that they (w/ prejudice) think is selfish, manipulative, egoistic and hard-headed. Anything they don’t want to be.

Want to accept the good side (prove to others that they’re good) without acknowledging the bad, or wanting the bad side to be something else. Something more manageable for them to fix or learn from or admit to 

(They don’t like their own problems. And this can lead them to procrastinating theirs and fixing everyone else’s problems instead).

Aaaah these Capricorn/Pisces are sensitive, but don’t worry your problems aren’t that big of a deal ;; 💕 It’s easily adjustable too, since it’s just-- this one big clump of core problem that you can easily untangle one and then everything else will be good for you dskfgjnksdfnjg

It’s hard-- and it’s definitely troublesome because it is a big deal to you. I think the biggest thing right now is to do some self-evaluation. Our end goal is to have you become more self-accepting sincerely/honestly through hard work and not just saying you are. 

If you’re into astrology, look to where your Pluto is on your chart. See what it’s aspecting and try to focus your energy in getting along/understanding Pluto better (or Neptune/Uranus and tackling it’s problem if that’s the case)

Anything in 12H could help as well, try looking at the ruler or any planets in the house. Try looking at how to manifest/bring or work with that energy into it being easier for you (learning it’s lessons)

If you’re new to astrology and just want to have a good time, here’s some practical advice for you: try embodying or thinking about a Cancer friend. They won’t let you get away with this stuff, and they’re much easier to handle when they’re giving you support/advice when you’re emotionally vulnerable than you realize. 

Given that this Cancer has a semi-decent relationship with you, they’ll be better at letting you adjust and admit at your own pace when you want to ‘face’ your faults. 

But you have to do it, just remember that the Cancer is supportive and there for you so you’ll have to take the ‘role’ of a more objective and less emotional person because of this relationship. It’ll be natural, since you tend to switch gears when someone is more sensitive/emotionally astute than you are anyways.��

The hardest part is ‘facing’ your faults, and there’s no shame is putting yourself in situations where you feel surrounded by people who are clearly and overwhelming better than you at emotions. It makes you learn (through osmosis ksjnfsk) how to recognize and be better at emotions, so really-- seek them out! 

Another thing about Capricorn/Pisces is that they can feel negative emotions stronger than happy ones skdjfnksn especially when it comes to their own guilt partially because of the ‘heaviness’ of their emotions

They have a highly reactive imagination-- sometimes they day-dream about things occurring to them: along the terms of ‘saving’ someone (themselves/others) or a particularly hard and unforgettable thing where they come out successful/happy afterwards (healed). There’s some ‘hope/happiness’ in saving themselves/others, and they may funnel their ‘ambition’ into those imagination this way instead. 

Sometimes they are just sad or feeling over-casted for some reason, if they need space/feeling detached it’s mostly because they’re a rather receptive person to how they are in the material world and how ‘heavy’ it can be

That’s all I have for Capricorn/Pisces 💕 I hope you enjoyed! 💕

[eregyrn-falls]

I read your tags on that post with Big Brother Stan fanart. Can you elaborate why it could be so painful?

Hi, anon!  Oh gosh, you’re in for it now.

Well, first, this is in reference to @doberart​‘s cool recent pics depicting the what-if or AUs of “teen Stan with young Ford” and (from earlier) “teen Ford with young Stan”; and in the tags to the more recent one, I’d commented that if these AUs went like canon, they struck me as really potentially painful.    So, the second point I’d make here is: I don’t at all mean to step on ideas that Dobermutt may have had while doing the pieces; nor on ideas that the people suggesting those prompts may have had.  These were just my reactions, in absence of other details about that type of AU.

Also, the emphasis here really is on “if these AUs went like canon”, which of course, is a big “if”.  It would be equally interesting to explore the way those age differences caused things to happen completely differently from canon!  And potentially, turn out a lot happier.

So really, I was only thinking that in either case, with an age difference like that, if you remove the older sibling due to reasons that were similarly tragic to the canon circumstances, it would be super painful to both of them, and especially to the younger sibling.  

(And here I am drawing on my own experiences a little bit?  My only sibling is a lot older than me; he did not depart under any unhappy circumstances!  But I was still pretty young when he left the house, simply because he’d become an adult and graduated from college and gotten married, and it shook up my sense of comfort with my family unit. No matter how happy the situation, I was kind of distressed to lose having him at home.  There was also some conflict between my parents, and his leaving meant that there was not an extra buffer between my parents in the home. I don’t want to overplay this!  They were not abusive or anything else like that, but when I was young I was pretty sensitive to conflict, and I perceived my brother as being an extra buffer against conflict that afterwards, I would be alone to weather.  So I am undoubtedly projecting a bit there.)

Anyway, my point is that if you are thinking along the lines of canon – if you have teen Ford and small Stan, then you might still have small Stan being really really anxious and insecure about Ford going away to college, especially if small Stan is afraid of being left as the only child in the house with parents who fight a lot, and/or, in the circumstance that Filbrick is an abusive parent.  I’m not even getting into whether older Ford was also subject to emotional or physical abuse from Filbrick, and how much he is aware of his younger brother suffering from that.  I’d like to think older Ford would be aware of it?  But wanting to leave the house and go away to college then also puts Ford into a painful situation, if he knows he is leaving his little brother alone with their father, without Ford to protect him; and during a time period and at an age where teen Ford has relatively few options to save his brother from that situation.

(Cards on the table: yes, my view is that Filbrick was an abusive parent. I think that we were shown enough in ATOTS to conclude that he behaved abusively towards both of his sons, both emotionally and physically; although, the greater evidence is for his abuse of Stan.  But I don’t think there’s direct evidence that he greatly favored Ford or anything, so I tend to headcanon that he was emotionally abusive towards both boys, perhaps in different ways; and that he was casually physically abusive with both of them.  Analyzing the level of physical abuse is an exercise for a different post, but I’ll just say that what we saw of the way he handled throwing Stan out in ATOTS is enough for me to regard him as physically abusive.)

Beyond that situation, there is also the question of whether in such an AU, something happens like in canon, where small Stan might have any role at all in doing something that negatively affected Ford’s attempt to get a scholarship to WCT.  This would depend on whether someone wanted to follow the outline of canon that closely of course!  But if you did – small Stan would have less reason to be at the high school after hours (…not that he did in the first place, grr), but events might have played out differently so that small Stan accidentally damaged Ford’s project in the home, or something.  

I’d also like to think that the age difference would make the ensuing confrontation play out differently.  (I see Ford blowing up at Stan as, in part, the kind of fight that happens between equals.)  I don’t of course think you’d get Filbrick throwing 13-year-old Stan out on the streets!  But there’s still the tragic possibility of older Ford feeling devastated and betrayed, and then leaving the house anyway for college; and young Stan feeling sad and guilty and abandoned, on top of whatever punishment Filbrick would give a younger Stan for such an incident. Ford leaving for college while Stan is still young creates the separation between them, and Stan having to stay alone (? - I’m not factoring Shermie of any age into this, at the moment) in that house for several more years might have been its own kind of hell, especially if his father kept blaming him for that incident. 

So yeah, that makes me sad. 

Meanwhile!  

With an older teen Stan and a younger Ford… well, on the home front, there’s some of the same fears and anxieties possible.  Perhaps older Stan took the brunt of Filbrick’s abusiveness, but again, I tend to see that as falling on both of the boys.  I could see an older Stan being really worried about younger Ford (still sensitive and not very tough yet) being left alone in that house when Stan departs.  And then there’s the question of… how and why DOES the older Stan depart?  Is he thrown out by Filbrick due to some other perceived transgression or accident?  Maybe involving Ford, and maybe not.  In this AU it’s much harder for me to imagine Stan doing something similar to canon, because Ford isn’t at that point in his development, and anyway, due to the age difference, the central issue is that Stan is the one who will achieve independence first, and move out.  Still, if you wanted to come up with something similar enough, it wouldn’t be that hard to figure out a reason for Filbrick to kick Stan out of the house.  (It’s harder for me to imagine it being related to something Stan does that leaves Ford feeling betrayed; but a young Ford might still feel abandoned.)

But, under what circumstances would older Stan leave?  The field is kind of wide open.  Drafted into the army to fight in Vietnam?  Knocked up a girl and got kicked out by his father because of it?  Some money-making scheme went bad, or he fell afoul of some gang because of gambling?  etc.

Actually, for both of these AUs, there’s another question.  As twins and equals, Stan seems to have coasted a lot, academically, with Ford’s cooperation.  (We see him copying off of Ford, and Ford allows it.)  Stan clearly has little interest in academics, and he has always taken a back seat (willingly?) to Ford’s intellectual achievements.  But how does that change, with the age differences?

In the case of teen Ford and small Stan – well, older Ford can try to help tutor small Stan. But there is still the kind of tragic possibility that Stan is simply not the kind of learner that Ford is.  That is NOT to say that Stan is not as smart as Ford, just that different methods of learning work better for them; and that might mean that Ford might not be able to figure out how to be the best tutor for small Stan.  I’d like to think he would try to help his little brother!  But, while I love Ford, I don’t think he’s that good at getting out of his own head and figuring out what works best for others (until he is hit over the head with it).  With an older Ford, he would have set the example of academic achievement in the household, and poor small Stan might have been constantly compared to his high-achieving older brother by both parents and teachers.  So that would have sucked, and again, as much as I love Ford, I really do, I’m not sure that he would have been that good at ameliorating the situation for small Stan.  Plus, then Ford would leave, and Stan would have to finish out school himself.

In the case of teen Stan and small Ford… to me, that presents the more interesting possibility that Stan had more time to establish himself, his goals and his abilities, separate from Ford.  Was Stan better at school, because he didn’t have someone to lean on from the start?  Or was he worse, because he didn’t have the support of a “smart” twin?  Again, I want to emphasize that I don’t think Stan wasn’t smart himself; but in the context of schooling in the 1960s, and given that Glass Shard Beach did not seem to have the best schools, I could easily see someone like Stan getting left behind by that system.  Does he double-down on his tendency to try to take short-cuts to riches and success, and does that get him into even more trouble since he grew up without a peer in Ford to temper some of those impulses (which, after he got kicked out in canon, obviously took over his life)?  Is that part of why Stan gets kicked out in that AU?  On the flip side, how does it affect young Ford, who for years might have heard a bunch of toxic stuff about his ne'er-do-well older brother (from his father or other authority figures like teachers), along with greater expectations being heaped on young Ford himself?

(In my ideal version, young Stan in either AU would have his intellectual strengths recognized by somebody, anybody, and would have been steered towards career or life paths that would have suited him better – being a performer, or an artist/craftsman, or working with his hands in some capacity.  Although, I admit, this idealized vision dodges an important question: how important is it to Stan’s character that he has this wide criminal streak?  I mean… on some level that is part of what we love about him in the show.  He’s a con-man who doesn’t think twice about committing fraud, lying, cheating, engaging in various crimes, etc.  It’s possible that, if you removed that aspect from him entirely and gave him a tough but essentially honest job and life, that something vital would be lost from the person of Stanley Pines.  Or to put it another way, perhaps something could have given him more respectable opportunities for a life and career… and he still would have drifted into criminality anyway. It’s hard to say.)

In conclusion: Listen – I’m not saying you couldn’t design either of these AUs to be much HAPPIER than canon, if you wanted to!  And I’d love to see takes on that, because believe me, I am all about fluff and happiness, and these brothers being happy!  I do love the idea that the age difference could give them more of an opportunity for bonding and support of each other.

I was only saying… wow, if you think about it in certain ways, it also COULD be SUPER SAD.  Potentially.

[lacvnc]

I was asked to answer a few headcanons for a friend of mine and I figured now, when  have finally finished, that I’d share them with the rest if you as well, since I know there are a lot of people who are interested in Noah. I hope these give you some insight and that you enjoy reading these (lameass) answers! c: 

⌆ a nervous tic or habit they do

When Noah is nervous, which is kinda rare, it usually shows in the way he moves his hands. He tends to lace his fingers together, then move them apart and then repeat it. He also stuffs his hands in his pockets to try to stop himself from making it too obvious. With this there’s also a certain amount of increased frustration. Since being nervous makes him feel as if he’s losing control of himself, he’d not only be frustrated over how obvious it is that he’s thrown off of his game, he’d be frustrated over being frustrated about it as well.

it also depends a little on the matter. The fiddling with his hands mostly concerns small matters, it’s a habit that has stuck with him ever since he was human. If the matters are bigger he tends to pace back and forth, sometimes even talking to himself if it is something that’s really getting to him.  This never occurs outside his home however, since his main goal is to keep his “composed” aura intact. He doesn’t want other people to know how much things can actually affect him (he’s not as much of an emotionless rock as people may think.)

If it is a matter that dwells on his mind for a long time, he’d write about it to try to collect his thoughts. Ever since he was in his teens Noah has kept diaries, in fact he still has all of them intact. He keeps them under lock and key in his apartment, more specifically his drawing studio. It’s his most personal place and he rarely lets people in there at all, because it reflects everything he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to let people see.

⏀ describe their usual smile

Noah’s usual smile isn’t as much of a smile as it is a smirk. In fact, Noah rarely ever smiles as one would imagine a person to smile. Mostly because he doesn’t really see any reason to. Which also brings me back to his younger years when he was kept away from his family while thinking he was being educated. During those years he spent cut off from proper contact with the outside world, he lost his will to live, that little spark that he needs to get happiness to flow in his system. A smile is a too genuine expression of happiness, and Noah isn’t a happy person. He doesn’t feel particularly sad, but happy isn’t a word I’d like to use to describe him. If anything, he’s content with where he is and that’s that. After 100 years of being alive, there’s not much you can do but keep on living.

But back to the actual description. Noah’s signature smirk would be a bit crooked, enough to display his teeth but not disclose his fangs entirely ( he has taught himself to keep them hidden because you never know when it might actually be necessary.) It is almost always accompanied by playfulness or malice, as Noah is a very playful being, in his own sense. If he’s smirking because something is truly amusing there might be a sighting of tongue and his piercing from time to time as he tends to catch metal between his teeth with he’s about to chuckle against his will.

⇅ do they look up or down while thinking?

It depends on what he is thinking about, what kind of feelings his thoughts bring forward. If the subjects are light and bring out happier feelings (or something akin to it) Noah tends to look up while thinking. If the subject is heavier and brings forward negative emotions he tends to look down. Though this is rather rare. Always keeping his image in mind, he detests to display what things actually make him feel. Therefore he modifies his behaviour and tends to just look straight ahead while thinking if he is in the company of people he’s not entirely comfortable with (people he doesn’t fully tsuts which is pretty much everyone.)

❧ describe their usual sleeping position

Noah is rather peculiar when he sleeps. First of all, his position depends on whether he is alone or not. If he is sharing his bed with someone, and this person happens to be someone he likes he has a tendency to keep close, unconsciously. He is a very physical person and has a tendency to sleep on his side with an arm draped over the other person.

 If it is someone he does not care much for he keeps to himself on one side of the bed, usually laying on his stomach and facing away from them and with one arm position beneath his pillows.

If he sleeps alone his usual sleeping position would simply be laying on his back (not with his arms crossed over his chest like a cliché vampire, sorry to disappoint.)

 The thing one needs to keep in mind when it comes to Noah while he sleeps, since he is technically dead, he doesn’t move much. He usually falls asleep and wakes up in the same position. Another point of interest might be the fact that he also stops breathing at this time.

✑ describe something they like without naming it

Even if one is born with natural talent for it, it takes a lot of practice and usually many years to master perfectly, if that is even possible. Even the best of the best continue get better  with every finished piece. There are many different techniques to learn, many different tools to use too. It can be simplistic or executed with intricate detail. Everyone has their personal style and no work is the other one alike, with development comes style but the style can also change. Except for one’s personal style there are also different genres to adapt to, depending on what and how one would like to portray something. He spends many hours a week on this particular interest though he prefers to use pencils rather than oil colours. Aquarelles and watercolors are a favorite too. His greatest passion, his favorite pastime.

 ✜ what’s their posture like in a normal situation?

As a vampire, Noah carries himself with natural grace. It is something that comes to him automatically, and nothing he has paid any attention to. Usually, he keeps his back very straight, head held high and doesn’t slouch. As a predator designed to attract the eyes of humans, there’s a need for perfection in every aspect, therefore it applies even when it comes to his posture. Even though this may sound as if it makes him look tense it doesn’t. It is not executed in an overly obvious manner but on levels that makes it seem entirely natural. In addition with his immense amounts of confidence his posture plays a key-role in the impression he gives other people.

❖ describe their hands 

Noah’s skin is very pale, to begin with, therefore his fingers are too, obviously. I like to call it piano hands, the way I imagine this. (It’s a very Swedish expression, not sure if people use it in english as well.) But anyways, his palms are not overly big but his fingers are very long and slender, almost on the verge of feminine. His veins on the upper side of his hands are not very clear because of his lack of blood circulation at most times, however if one would study his hands just after he has fed, one would be able to notice the way his veins suddenly burst with faint color, since feeding triggers circulation for about one hour or so depending on the ingested amount. Noah keeps his nails well trimmed and also keeps his nail beds in shape. Other people’s hands are one of his favorite things to study, therefore he takes extremely good care of his own pair. He even uses different types of hand lotions even though he doesn’t really need to.

❞ write a quote they would find themselves saying

“ Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.” — Lao Tzu

§ how would their hair gray? or would they lose their hair first?

Since Noah does not age his hair will not ever gray. But if we pretend that he would be human and age normally, his hair would grey at first, probably become as white as snow before thinning little by little.

❤ describe how they show affection.

Noah’s way of showing affection is rather subtle.  He doesn’t like to engage grand gestures or affectionate clinging (the latter isn’t minded if it comes from someone else though *cough.*) So his affection would be found in the smaller things. Protesting less or not protesting at all when someone asks him to do something. Offering up favours on his own accord even though they don’t gain him anything. Spending extra time with people, being slightly protective. He makes a point out of letting people know he cares for them a bit more than he cares for everyone else. It’s the easiest and most sensible way to do it in his opinion.  

If it is someone he feels very strongly for however, he will get a little bit more physical. He’d be a bit touchy, probably playing a lot with their fingers or maybe even their hair.

Another thing that applies for both situations would be the slight change in tone. He’d speak in a different manner, a bit softer. He’d also make it more obvious that he’s joking when he makes his snide remarks, at least when he does not mean them.

✭ what is one of their favorite items?

One of Noah’s favorite items would be the folder he keeps with the images he has drawn of important people in his life: a reminder that everyone isn’t entirely awful. Just 99% of them.

[unsettledink]

SHIP! Naturally I want to know all your thoughts on Credence and Graves. :)

001 | sendme a ship and I will tell you: when I started shipping it if I did: Loooool … before I watched the movie. Actually the reason I finally watched the movie, in fact, though I would have eventually. I kept seeing all these gifs of those scenes in the alley and was like WELL THEN. I actually found it slightly easier to ship before watching, because the vocal tones of those encounters made them lean less affectionate than they looked to me in just gifs. But now I have more things to play with, so!

my thoughts: Ah fuck how do I even answer that. I have like a million and one thoughts and takes on this thing seriously. Part of it is that I ship Credence/original Graves and Credence/GrindelGraves pretty equally, but find original Graves happier to think about. I can see Grindelwald treating Credence decently (though more likely slightly awful and manipulative) but never forming any real connection or affection for him beyond possibly 'valuable tool'. Which I'm sure Credence, as starved as he is, would take, but bb you deseve better D: Even if it is hot as fuck and angsty my favorites sigh. As far as original Graves/Credence goes, it's nice because there's so many open possibilities since we don't really know Graves, he's this blank page. You have to wonder how much of what we see is accurate acting on Grindelwald's part. I find the thought that Graves likely knew Credence beforehand really interesting. And the thoughts of what could happen after, if Graves was still alive and got rescued, are really interesting too. I tend to think it's more likely that Credence and Graves could actually have some sort of emotional bond. Also enjoy the thought of them both wrestling with different kinds of guilt and loss and trauma. Finally, I can't discount the sheer fucking hotness oh my god.

What makes me happy about them: Thinking about fixits and imagining that Credence got to have a little bit of happiness before everything fell apart. The possibility that whoever Graves was, whatever his original reason, he did pay attention enough to Credence. Also the pretty. God damn the pretty.

What makes me sad about them: The way things turned out in the movie. Sigh. The chance that Credence never really knew real Graves, or that he did and real Graves is actually dead. The thought of how GrindelGraves/Credence, while hot as fuck, is so depressing too.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: Ehhh, not a lot? I find it frustrating to read fic in which Credence stutters a lot, and I seem to be bit outside the norm in this fandom as daddy kink has zero appeal to me.

things I look for in fanfic: Everything! LOL. Ummmm. Excellently written, smoking hot smut. Long drawn out slow burn. Pleasing descriptive voices. Things playing with themes of self identity and the horror of being used (in whichever way) and guilt/religious undertones. Tiny bits of fascinating world building just slipped in there. All the cheesy AU's that aren't modern based or without magic. Really dark stuff with Credence and GrindelGraves.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Credence/Happiness. :P I quite like Credence/Graves/Grindelwald too, though I don't see that ending well. I'm sloooooowly being converted to liking Graves/Newt.

My happily ever after for them: Ugggggggh idk. I guess either Graves realizing Credence is the obscurial earlier and taking him away and treating him well. With either original Graves or GrindelGraves. Alternatively, Credence forming back together and finding a way to deal with betrayal and still somehow be ok with either Graves and rescue them. Preferrabley with him realizing the amount of power he has in that situation.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Both!

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Ummmmmmm I suppose I can see both of them finding enjoyment in just quietly being near each other while doing their own thing, like, a chance to not have to worry or control themselves or think about anything.

[thefeckisthis]

me and why am I single

Yes, that is the title of this post as i get asked about it quite a lot, so i might as well give some thoughts about it. and things have been happening lately that kind of add up on the whole being single story.

before that i’d like to say couple of things about me, just to ‘ease’ in the story. even here i’m going to go by ina, short and simple. I’m croatian living in ireland for the last 5 years (time flew by so quickly :S) so if you wonder why am i writing in english and not croatian - its easier somehow, my life is now 95% in english, at work, home, around me; its just what is more normal to me. 

sometimes i think im bit of weird mix of personality; i do struggle with anxiety and with that comes overthinking, which at one point made my life really rough and tough for both me and people i have interacted. alongside of that, im pretty blunt and straightforward most of the time, I dont and i wont take lots of bullshit nor will i lie and pretend i like something that i dont. it took me a looooong time to get to this point (about that could be in another post) but it did save me lots of nerves and useless time spent, made me happier. and being such person tends to hurt some people and drive them away from me. i dont mean i will be mean and say ugly and hurtful stuff, just if you ask me for honest opinion - you WILL get it, whether you like it or not. and its funny how many people get offended when they ask you an advice or opinion and then get offended when I tell them something they dont want to hear.

dont ask if you cant handle opinions that you might not like. simple as that. not everything in this world is going to bend backwards just to make you feel better.

so if you crossed my path, if at one point you were in my life (or if you still are), talked to me or anything like that, you might be mentioned in one of the posts. if so - hi. how are you? hows life?. and if you do find yourself in the blog and I give an opinion about you (i will never give away peoples real identities) or set you as an example for something and you dont like it, dont get mad, its just the way how you impacted my life and it may give you some insight on how you leave trace in other peoples life. maybe it makes you change.

so why am I single?

i get asked that a lot. I LOVE being single. simple as that. my journey to become a person i am today was long and hard, but i got to a point where i am really happy with person i have become and I am proud of a person i have become. 

I am a whole, i dont look for my ‘other half’ and i think that everyone should love them first before they seek out to love someone else. you need to be enough for yourself, not to look for someone else to complete you. not to say people in relationships are sad, not full or anything like that, but lots of people tend to settle, they keep looking for that someone else that now the whole world thinks that finding a partner is ultimate life goal.

no.

finding yourself is ultimate goal. i came to the point that im not looking for someone else, im constantly trying to grow as a person and im not going to look for anyone, the right person will come along. having that one other person is just a great addition in my life, not a goal. i have lived before them and will live after them.

some people would ask me am i single because im still hung up on some people and cant get over them, or am i into girls as I never have a boyfriend and annoying thing is that they dont believe me when i say i dont want a relationship. i have been in couple of them and found out that i dont like, it is too much hassle and i feel restricted in them, caged. if im being honest, im more for open relationships, i dont see myself exclusively with one person only. people find it crazy or think im talking utter bullshit, its so hard for many of them to accept that not all people are the same.

there were some odd people who would say i cant find someone because i think im better than everyone else or that i have set my standards too high. and yes, my standards are high, i know who i am and what i want and what im looking for and wont settle for else. id rather be single then settle for less and be frustrated about the other person not being on my level. sorry, you can be brad freaking pitt, but if you dont have anything in your head and if you dont challenge me as a person you wont be of any interest to me.

2018. was a bich mentally. thats when my anxiety and overthinking was reaching it highest points and i was annoying and stressful for myself, let alone for someone else. there were loads of factors influencing that and there was one person who i think did not deserve all that from me (no saying it was 100% my fault but loads of it was due to me) and i do regret being the way i was to that person and it does make me feel like shit when i think of it. past is in the past, i cant do much about it other than apologize. after that my anxiety was going up and down and it wasnt until i had full blown 45 minutes panic attack/breakdown in someone else house that made me stop and forced me to get my shit together .since then i was determined to get it all under control.

and as ive said, now its almost a year that i havent been seeing anyone and i have been focusing on my own mental health. im proud to say that i made it better and havent had too many anxiety attacks in that year; they were triggered, they did come, my overthinking did spike quite a lot and i have learned to keep it under control and not let it affect my life.

lately ive been talking to people and this internet dating time is just making me completely give up on everything. as an introvert its easiest way for me to meet people and talk to people, just that all shenanigans connected to it... its another world and i can make another post about it. if i continued about that it would take another while haha

i’ve probably not touched half of the subjects that could be covered within this, but if you were nice enough to read through all this text there is couple of option at the top where you can drop a question or give a comment and we can discuss about it.

let me know what you think. tell me more what is on your mind or just share our opinion, everything is welcome and there is no judgement from me :)

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Podcast: Talking Suicide with a Bipolar and a Schizophrenic



Suicide is something that most people think they understand, but there are many misconceptions about it. We say it’s a serious problem, yet will mention it casually and insensitively in certain settings. In this episode, our hosts openly discuss suicide and their personal stories with trying to end their own lives.

  SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“I thought about suicide every day for as far back as I can remember.” – Gabe Howard

  Highlights From ‘Suicide’ Episode

[1:00] Frankly discussing suicide.

[3:00] Don’t belittle a person’s suicide attempt.

[7:00] Why did Michelle try to end her life?

[10:00] Discussing families and suicide.

[12:00] Why did Gabe try to end his life?

[16:30] Michelle shares her suicide story.

[23:00] Michelle can’t understand how her mom did not know she had a mental illness.

[27:00] Gabe and Michelle agree that things get better.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Talking Suicide with a Bipolar and a Schizophrenic’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator: [00:00:05] For reasons that utterly escapes everyone involved. You’re listening to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic and A Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:19] Welcome to a bipolar a schizophrenic and a podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and I am bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:24] Hi I’m Michelle and I am schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:27] And today we are going to talk about suicide specifically. How are we still alive after having been suicidal for so long. And this is kind of a tricky one for us to cover because Michelle and I you know we kind of like to be bombastic. We kind of like to be funny. We kind of like to be out there and well we like to yell at each other. And suicide is a much it’s a scary topic. It’s something that sort of lends itself not to humor but to I don’t know it’s scary.

Michelle: [00:01:00] It is a scary topic. It’s something that doesn’t really get spoken about. It’s kind of something that like is very hush hush. And if you’ve ever really attempted suicide you don’t talk about it because then people just really judge you very harshly and they would say why would you do that. Don’t you care about people around you? How is that going to affect people around you what you did was something selfish.

Gabe: [00:01:23] There’s 80 billion reasons that this show should avoid suicide. Given how we talk about living with mental illness our mental illness and mental illness advocacy. But there’s one very big reason that we should cover it and that’s that we’re not afraid and we talk about everything The Good the Bad and The Ugly. But it’s gonna be a challenge for us. The first thing that we want to say immediately right out of the gate is Trigger Warning suicide. We are going to be talking about suicide and I’m not going to tell you that an inappropriate joke may or may not come up because hey we’re Gabe and Michelle.

Michelle: [00:02:02] That’s right.

Gabe: [00:02:03] This is what we do. If you are in danger right now if you are feeling suicidal please ask for help.

Gabe: [00:02:12] Call 911 if you’re in America call the suicide hotline tell a trusted friend go to the emergency room. Most importantly Michelle and I are still alive because we got help because we talked about it openly.

Michelle: [00:02:25] And I’m really bad at suicide.

Gabe: [00:02:28] Oh and the first inappropriate joke is right out of the gate okay Michelle. We sort of we did some research we made a list of topics and stuff that we want to discuss. And the first question that I get asked a lot is it if you were suicidal why didn’t you just do it. So you must not have been suicidal because you didn’t die. So you’re a liar I have a million things I want to say to that. One of them is Fuck you. That’s not how mental illness works.

Michelle: [00:02:57] Yeah. Yeah that’s a big fuck you like don’t belittle somebody whose suicide attempt because if they want to do it again . . . If you belittle somebody suicide attempt they’re going to think oh I didn’t really try to kill myself. So maybe next time I’ll try even harder and succeed.

Gabe: [00:03:15] Well I love this whole idea of this. This if you try suicide or if you say you’re suicidal it’s just a dramatic cry for help.

Gabe: [00:03:24] You want to hear some other dramatic cries for help I’m drowning. Help. My house is on fire. How I’m falling out of a helicopter. But the difference is when people yell those things people come to help. People come to help them.

Michelle: [00:03:41] But when someone says they’re suicidal. Oh, you’re just being dramatic. What’s wrong. Did you have a bad conversation today? You’re not really suicidal. You know it’s just you’re so it’s really just stop being dramatic. You don’t actually feel that way like you don’t know what’s going on in my head. You don’t know my thoughts. You don’t know what I’m dealing with. Don’t tell me it’s all in my head. That’s not no.

Gabe: [00:04:07] It this is really little thing that we have where society acknowledges that it’s a cry for help but then also says that the best thing to do is not help. I just I cannot stress enough that if somebody says that they are suicidal. If somebody says that they want to die. That is not drama. It is not. It’s none of those things. That person needs help and you’re saying well what if the person is lying and faking then that person is a jackass.

Michelle: [00:04:37] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:04:37] But to literally ignore every single person that asks for help because they’re fighting with their own brain because they’re mentally ill because they’re having suicidal thoughts because they’re so depressed they can’t take it anymore because some dickhead out there is being dramatic. That’s literally nonsense.

Michelle: [00:04:57] Yeah after one suicide attempt my friend told me you weren’t really trying to kill yourself that time. You know what happened a month or two later. I then tried to kill myself again. Did that time count?

Gabe: [00:05:11] Michelle How many times did you attempt suicide.

Michelle: [00:05:14] Well I mean attempt. I mean like did I attempt but I attempted about attempted really it wrong. I didn’t know what I was doing but I would say maybe 7 times.

Gabe: [00:05:24] That’s a lot and you’re very lucky that you’re still alive. I do appreciate your joke. You must be really bad at suicide. I for one am glad this this statistically holds up for whatever reason women do tend to suck at suicide. There’s a lot of research into this one of these is the methods we’re not going to give methods because that just well we’re trying to be mature.

Michelle: [00:05:47] Something I did learn about women differently in women and men is that women like to be found looking like themselves.

Gabe: [00:05:54] Yeah men don’t care.

Michelle: [00:05:55] Yeah men are like you know find me find me all disgusting. I don’t care.

Gabe: [00:06:00] Aren’t you glad that vanity saved your life.

Michelle: [00:06:03] Yeah I guess so. I guess they saved my life.

Gabe: [00:06:05] Yeah the our society really messes with us but when you’re feeling suicidal at all this is an example of your brain not working properly. We as humans are our bodies our minds are. Our consciousness is set up to defend ourselves. If you walk up to a stranger and you throw a tennis ball at their face and they see it they’ll duck. They don’t have to think about it. They don’t have to consider it. They don’t have to wonder what all they know is that an object is coming at them and they immediately take evasive action. It’s biological. It’s built into our brains. And yet when we’re feeling suicidal or when we try suicide it’s we’re overriding that. And that’s the illness process. Our bodies have decided to steer into danger rather than away from it. And that’s an unnatural state of being. So that this the first way that you know that something is wrong.

Gabe: [00:07:01] Our bodies want to protect themselves. We just do.

Michelle: [00:07:05] Every time I tried to kill myself I thought I had to kill myself. I thought it was something that was better for the future. I thought everyone would be better without me and everyone would be happier if I was gone. I would be less of a burden on everybody’s life. But thinking back now that I can really do retrospective kind of thoughts it would have ruined people’s lives.

Gabe: [00:07:32] Oh yeah.

Michelle: [00:07:33] It would have really ruined people’s lives. So, the thoughts I have of oh I’m a burden. You know I should be gone.

Michelle: [00:07:39] I would have put horrible burdens on all of my friends and my family and they might still be thinking about me every day about what I did and how maybe they could have helped me and they couldn’t. And they might not be okay now because of what I did.

Gabe: [00:07:57] There’s a quote out there and I really like it and I don’t know who to credit it to it is not ours but it says that suicide does not end the pain, it just transfers it to somebody else. And I believe that that is so true.

Michelle: [00:08:09] Yes.

Gabe: [00:08:10] When I was suicidal I convinced myself that my granny didn’t love me. And as everybody knows I am granny’s favorite.

Michelle: [00:08:16] Yes.

Gabe: [00:08:16] I convinced myself that my friends my family just even strangers would be happy if I were dead. And this is nonsense because it looks like strangers don’t give a shit if I’m alive or dead. So, to have convinced myself that strangers would be happy that I was dead. It literally they don’t care. That’s why they’re strangers. I’m not. I’m not saying this to be mean to strangers I’m just they wouldn’t be happy or sad they’d be indifferent. That’s just how life works. We’re not emotionally invested with every single person that we’d see you live in New York City. If you were emotionally invested in every single person that you laid eyes on you won’t have time to podcast.

Michelle: [00:08:55] I wouldn’t I wouldn’t. I’m just kind of bringing at one thing this is about my mother that she is she of course she’s not going to like that I’m saying this but what I was in college you know her my grandparents were alive and my mom would call me and she would say “you know Michelle my mother’s sick my father’s crazy, can you just be OK, So I don’t have to worry about you.” What does that make me feel like? A huge burden.

Gabe: [00:09:21] Yeah it does. And let’s take this from your mother’s perspective because you know we want to be fair our parents. Mine too. I don’t know how my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and brother and sister and friends and family escape my anger these days because they did all of those things too. They said that I was being dramatic. They didn’t get me the help that I needed as long-term listeners of the show know a complete stranger took me to the hospital my friends and family were not absent. My parents are good parents but they didn’t know they didn’t do anything. Your mother was just like hey get a grip and don’t cause me problems because I have other things to worry about. If your mom would have understood that you were sick, she never would have told you hey don’t be sick from cancer. she never would have told you. Like if you’ve gotten like a traumatic accident and you were like you know like learning to walk again, she never would have said hey can you just like walk today so this doesn’t cause a problem. Your mom’s not an idiot. She was just ignorant about what was going on and that’s an extra burden to people like us because now their ignorance becomes our problem and we’re already sick.

Michelle: [00:10:29] Yeah. How was I supposed to feel in that situation?

Gabe: [00:10:32] You were supposed to feel shitty.

Michelle: [00:10:34] What was her logic there like of her telling me. Can you just be better so I don’t have to worry about you?

Gabe: [00:10:41] Her logic is that you had control because she hadn’t yet understood that you didn’t have control as so many people. I did the same thing as your mother to myself. I thought that I was just an asshole and I can’t say it any other way. My parents would sit me down and say you can’t behave this way you can’t skip school you can’t stay up all night you can’t talk to people like that you can’t behave this way. And then when I became an adult and started well, we all know what I did as an adult. These were not the values that my parents taught me. I thought that I had control. I didn’t realize I was sick. I thought that I was just making really shitty decisions and I kept doing it over and over and over again.

Michelle: [00:11:22] Let’s pause and hear from our sponsor.

Narrator: [00:11:24] This episode is sponsored by betterhelp.com secure convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to betterhelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. Betterhelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: [00:11:55] And we’re back.

Michelle: [00:11:56] Do you think that the world would have just been better off if you weren’t gone?

Gabe: [00:12:01] No. No. I thought it at the time I really did think it at the time. I thought that everybody would be relieved. I thought that they would be like oh we don’t have to worry about Gabe anymore. We don’t have to be concerned that Gabe is going to get fired or cause a problem or divorce his wife for cheat on his wife or yell at his wife or yell at us or we’ve all heard.

Michelle: [00:12:20] The wrath of Gabe.

Gabe: [00:12:22] Yeah. These things didn’t come out of nowhere. I kind of wish that I could escape that label because the wrath of Gabe hasn’t existed since you know treatment but I was a person with untreated bipolar disorder and you know bipolar rage is a thing as much as I hate the reminder that I used to be so out of control that I would just start screaming at people uncontrollably and non-stop like I was some sort of like Supreme Court justice candidate just bothers me.

Michelle: [00:12:50] Did you always believe that you were in there right when you were screaming?

Gabe: [00:12:55] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:12:56] Who starts screaming because they think they’re wrong. I had no ability to consider another point of view. None whatsoever. And the more they wanted me to consider their point of view the angrier I became and the angrier I became the more I would yell and the more that I would I just sort of built on itself so you can see where when you’ve got that kind of emotion just railing at somebody they’re going to look at you like you’re just insane they’re going to look at you like you’re an asshole and those would be the faces that I would think about when I would be contemplating whether or not I want to live or die.

Michelle: [00:13:33] So you 100% are glad you’re alive right now?

Gabe: [00:13:37] Unequipped I have achieved it more than I ever thought possible. I don’t know I mean for like a dude with bipolar disorder I mean like just for a dude.

Gabe: [00:13:48] I never thought I could get here. I had so many problems so many and I still have a lot of problems.

Michelle: [00:13:56] I have a question.

Michelle: [00:13:57] So how old were you when you first thought of suicide attempts and tried to almost make a suicide attempt.

Gabe: [00:14:07] Zero. I was 0 years old. I thought about suicide every single day as far back as I can remember. 4 years old 5 years old 6 years. I thought that everybody was thinking about suicide. I really did and nobody ever knew. Nobody dissuaded me of this.

Michelle: [00:14:26] Did you tell people?

Gabe: [00:14:28] No. Why would I. I thought it was normal. I did. And listen you know I have never seen my mother go to the bathroom.

Gabe: [00:14:37] I just I want to put that right out there for the general public. I have never seen my mother go to the bathroom but I do assume that she does.

Michelle: [00:14:45] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:14:45] It’s just an assumption. So, if my mother is the one person on the planet that never has to use the restroom she should tell me because there’s no way that I would know this. I thought about suicide every day but nobody walked up to me and said hey thinking about suicide is abnormal and I didn’t tell them because I thought they were all thinking about it too. This is just how it was. I just assumed that they were thinking about it and they just assumed that I wasn’t.

Michelle: [00:15:11] Was anyone berating me with insults?

Gabe: [00:15:14] I mean I wouldn’t say berating me with insults because that sounds like they were calling me like jerk face but there was a lot of negativity in my life that people didn’t realize was negative. Kind of like the example that you used of your mother like where she said look, I’ve just got way too much going on I need you to be okay because she’s going through the illness of her of her parents which is a real big deal to her.

Michelle: [00:15:36] It is.

Gabe: [00:15:37] But that put a lot of burden on you.

Gabe: [00:15:40] So nobody was berating me with insults but my family was not understanding of what I was going through and I really thought that I was an asshole. I thought I was a bad kid.

Gabe: [00:15:50] I thought that they didn’t love me and I carried this very day because I I cannot stress this enough. Michelle, my parents are good parents. They’re good parents.

Gabe: [00:16:03] They’re fantastic parents. I don’t have a story about how my parents were awful or beat me or called me names or treated me like shit.

Gabe: [00:16:12] They were good parents and they made all kinds of mistakes like tons of mistakes like every mistake they made just compounded and made my life even worse and worse and worse. But this isn’t because they were malicious or bad it’s because they were human and nobody taught them about mental illness either.

Michelle: [00:16:29] Well I have a story in 11th grade, I walked out of my physics class.

Gabe: [00:16:36] Your 11th grade was much different from my 11th grade.

Michelle: [00:16:39] Yeah I walked in our home. I took the keys to the car when I had a permit and I drove to a drugstore. I found some like you know it was sleeping pills but obviously they were not like prescriptions sleeping pills. Went home took all the pills went to bed didn’t die but my eyes were all dilated. Couldn’t read a book. I was sitting next to my mom. And the day just went on. I tried to kill myself that day. It didn’t work. And the day we just went on like a regular day.

Gabe: [00:17:16] And nobody noticed.

Michelle: [00:17:18] Well I got in trouble because I was the teacher said that I just walked out of my physics class. But that was it.

Gabe: [00:17:25] Yeah.

Michelle: [00:17:25] Nothing nobody said. What did you do. Did you do anything after. Nobody questioned anything after. Nobody said why did you walk out of your physics class? Where did you go? What did you do?

Michelle: [00:17:37] I remember I was home. My mom goes “Why are you home right now?”

Michelle: [00:17:41] Because she came home from work and I go “Oh I wasn’t feeling good so I came home,” but really maybe I should have been honest and what I did.

Gabe: [00:17:49] Right.

Michelle: [00:17:50] But I didn’t.

Michelle: [00:17:52] And there’s like so many things I would have wished I would have said to my younger self that like this. This is not the answer because just because you think you’re stupid and this physics class is so hard and you hate your life already this is not a reason to kill yourself.

Gabe: [00:18:09] You know it’s an interesting thing that you brought up there like what would you tell your younger self.

Gabe: [00:18:13] Like if today’s Michelle could call 20 year ago you know.

Michelle: [00:18:17] Like physics was like not a reason, but I mean things I would have told to my younger self was, why would killing yourself now, what would that do for anyone?

Michelle: [00:18:31] You’re in high school. Everyone’s going to like Oh that that’s the girl that killed herself. I don’t think anyone would have been like “Oh I’m so devastated.” I honestly didn’t wouldn’t even think that anyone would have even cared at that point in my life. I didn’t think anyone really liked me at that point in my life and I was definitely having schizophrenia symptoms. I remember sitting in the back of that physics class having a delusion cracking up laughing at nothing and a girl two seats ahead turns around and goes. “Are you okay.” And I’m like “Oh what.”

Michelle: [00:19:04] She goes “You’re laughing it’s something.” I go “oh sorry” I didn’t even know. So, I was having schizophrenia hallucinations delusions in that class and had no idea I was schizophrenic but I obviously was.

Gabe: [00:19:19] And nobody noticed.

Michelle: [00:19:19] And that girl who sees ahead notice something was wrong. But I didn’t know what it was.

Gabe: [00:19:27] It’s interesting to consider like what our families would have felt or what they would have done or how they would have reacted had we been successful at ending our lives. And as our listeners know we work as a speakers and writers and in addition to podcasting and we go to a lot of mental health conferences and I hear people’s stories all the time.

Gabe: [00:19:53] I interview people about their stories and I mean no disrespect when I say this but when you hear a story from a thousand different people you sort of build up a thick skin to it and they don’t really affect me like they did in the beginning and this is good. This is this is I’m not saying this in any bad way I love hearing stories and I want people to tell their stories and I’m glad that we play a role in getting stories out to the greater public. But myself you know I tend to remain kind of emotionless by them one time I got hired to give a speech and the keynote speaker was a gentleman running for judge. He was going to be a judge. So, I went on before him because he was the keynote. So, I was like I was like the opening act. And I just had low 15-minute thing and I came up and I gave my speech it’s you know it’s condensed and beautiful and I talked about it.

Michelle: [00:20:48] And I’m sure it was the greatest speech. The greatest speech Gabe Howard gives the greatest speeches.

Gabe: [00:20:55] Yes I did get a standing ovation while you’re mocking me.

Michelle: [00:20:58] Oh wow.

Gabe: [00:21:01] Yeah yeah.

Gabe: [00:21:02] I’ve only gotten 4 in my life but that’s not the point of the story. The point of the story is after I was done, I sat down.

Gabe: [00:21:09] I plopped my ass and my seat and the next person got introduced. This was this gentleman running for judge he was about my parent’s age and he was very very dapper African-American gentleman. He was wearing a suit and his wife. You know same age and beautiful and when they called him up, he walked up with his wife and you know I don’t really think anything of this like I said I’m kind of bored like I have to say the next hour you know whatever. It’s not even my town.

Gabe: [00:21:33] Like I can’t even vote for him for Judge if I wanted to. But he said we’re changing things up a little bit. And my wife wants to talk for a moment about why we’re mental health advocates and she talked for just like 5 minutes.

Gabe: [00:21:48] And she told the story of their perfect beautiful son who died by suicide in his first or second year of college.

Gabe: [00:22:00] And she said, “We did everything right. We lived in the best neighborhoods we sentence in the most expensive private school we could find. You know he went to Europe. He. He got into the finest college. We were so proud. You know my husband’s a judge were upper middle class. We both hold advanced degrees. We gave everything to our children.”

Michelle: [00:22:22] That means nothing.

Gabe: [00:22:23] Yeah. And that’s what she said. Except we did not understand mental illness. We did not understand that he was struggling we did not make a way for him to ask for help. He could not get out of whatever it was that made him do this. And now for the rest of our lives we don’t have a son. And I started to cry because as I was looking at them all I could think of as if I was successful would be my parents. These two, they did not set out to be mental health advocates. They didn’t want to be at a mental health conference. They didn’t know this guy was a lawyer that became a judge. I mean just they became mental health advocates because they missed it and because they were too late and because they don’t want this to happen to other people it could be my parents I’d be gone and my parents would just be standing there saying we don’t know what happened and we don’t want it to happen to other people. And that’s why we need to talk about this more. That’s why we need more mental health education.

Gabe: [00:23:24] That’s why we need to understand suicidality and mental illness because me and you Michelle we’re lucky it’s not our parents.

Michelle: [00:23:33] Yeah I believe in high school. My mom. Well when I was not doing my homework in high school it was more because I believed I would never graduate. I mean I believed I was going to die. But my thought. My mom. She believed it was a learning disability.

Gabe: [00:23:49] Sure.

Michelle: [00:23:49] Because she was really unaware of what mental mental health and mental illness was. So when she found out years later when I was in college that it was a mental illness.

Michelle: [00:23:59] She was like “Oh I never even thought of that.”

Michelle: [00:24:04] How could you not think of that?

Gabe: [00:24:05] Because we didn’t think about it either Michelle.

Michelle: [00:24:09] It’s just education and it’s just different because I think generations ago they didn’t do that. And even considering my mom never thought about mental illness when my mother’s grandmother lived in a psychiatric center from the moment my grandmother was born until she died and my mom has memories of going to visit her in the center where she spoke like a baby and was just just for lack of a better word she was looney tunes so to have that in our family and to not see anything like that in me.

Michelle: [00:24:50] How could it have been such a shock if it runs in our family?

Gabe: [00:24:54] Because nobody everybody thought that it was a one off that it was a one in a million that it was never going to happen. And just it’s like getting struck by lightning. You do. I have a family member that was struck by lightning. You know I don’t look up at the sky and try to avoid it right. I still go out in the rain. I just think here is a one in a million thing.

Michelle: [00:25:11] There’s my dad’s first cousin Lori. She’s schizophrenic as well.

Gabe: [00:25:15] Well there you go.

Michelle: [00:25:16] My mom’s sister takes anti-depressants. Was it denial?

Gabe: [00:25:22] Yeah probably. It was denial it was lack of understanding and it was ignorance and it was the ostrich.

Michelle: [00:25:28] I mean I don’t know I don’t hold it against her. I don’t hold it against her. That she didn’t see it.

Michelle: [00:25:35] I think maybe it was a denial thing. She didn’t look into it. She really thought it was a learning disability because she always said that I don’t read and if you don’t read, you’re not smart. Well I read some books but what was hard for me about reading is that I was so busy in my head all the time. It’s hard to read a book when your mind’s racing back and forth.

Gabe: [00:25:56] It’s all over the place.

Gabe: [00:25:57] Michelle what do we want to leave our listeners with. I mean because we’ve covered a lot. I mean this is this is you know this is not our normal. I hate Michelle, Michelle hates Gabe and then we start screaming at each other show and that’s for the best. But really is for the best.

Michelle: [00:26:11] I mean just to leave listeners with…suicide is not an answer. And like I said I tried that 7 times and I failed 7 times. It’s not even an easy thing to do. And most likely you’ll end up in a psych ward where that’s not fun to be in. So really weigh your options and then just don’t do it.

Michelle: [00:26:37] It’s not a good idea. You’re going to hurt more than just yourself. You’re going to hurt the people around you instead of the people that love you. And if you keep on going with your life things do get better. My life has just gone leaps and bounds better than I ever thought would ever happen in my life. I never thought I’d be recording a podcast with Mr. Gabe Howard and talking about mental health like I do now. I thought I’d be pathetic my entire life. I couldn’t I would never will.

Gabe: [00:27:10] Oh well the two are not mutually exclusive.

Gabe: [00:27:12] That’s going to be recording a podcast with me and still be pathetic.

Michelle: [00:27:17] I guess but I never really envisioned a future because I never thought I would get there. I mean at that point I’m still it’s still hard for me to envision a future but that’s almost my own insecurity thinking nothing will ever really work out.

Gabe: [00:27:29] Of course of course Michelle there’s. I want to leave our listeners with just a couple of quick things one.

Gabe: [00:27:36] As we said before suicide it doesn’t end the pain. It just transfers it to somebody else. There’s another quote that I really like that is suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Michelle: [00:27:48] Yes.

Gabe: [00:27:48] But the thing that I keep in my head probably fourth most of all after where I can find Diet Coke at 2:00 a.m. is at looking back now I realize that I didn’t want to die.

Gabe: [00:28:03] I never wanted to die. I wanted the pain to stop and I didn’t know how to make the pain stop. I just didn’t. And the only thing that my battered bewildered disease the brain could come up with was suicide. That is not a good option and it’s far from the only option. And once I got treatment, I found all of these better ways to make the pain stop. And that’s all I ever wanted. I never wanted to die. I just didn’t want to suffer anymore. And I would say to anybody who’s thinking about contemplating it has in the past or maybe in the future you don’t want to die. You want the pain to stop. There are much better ways to make the pain stop. Please invest in yourself and look into them. Ask everybody that you know for help. Go to the emergency room call the suicide hotline. Talk to your general practitioner.

Gabe: [00:28:58] Go to the local urgent care. I hear that you can go to the drugstore and Wal-Mart and see a doctor now do whatever it takes.

Michelle: [00:29:07] Your life is valuable and we want you in the world.

Gabe: [00:29:12] Completely agree. Thank you everybody for listening to this week’s episode of a bipolar, a schizophrenic and a podcast. Please review rank. Share us everywhere Facebook algorithm has gone I don’t know schizophrenic. Can we say that?

Michelle: [00:29:26] Sure.

Gabe: [00:29:26] Because it just it just pushes everything down. So at this point I think you’re gonna have to like share our Website via a smoke signal maybe like tattoo it on your arm and show people. I don’t know but whatever you do it for Michelle and I to maintain our high luxury standard of living. We’re just we’re gonna need you to be there.

Gabe: [00:29:47] We’ll see everybody next week.

Michelle: [00:29:49] We love you!

Narrator: [00:29:51] You’ve been listening to a bipolar a schizophrenic and a podcast. If you love this episode don’t keep it to yourself head over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe rate and review to work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups. Head over to PsychCentral.com Show’s official Web site PsychCentrald.com/bsp you can e-mail us at show@PsychCentral.com. Thank you for listening and share widely.

  Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

  MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-talking-suicide-with-a-bipolar-and-a-schizophrenic/

[sarahburness]

How to Take Back Control from the Negative Script in Your Head

“Our greatest confusion isn’t not knowing what to do, it’s knowing what to do and still not doing it.” ~Richard Wilkins

I’d love to say I had an “Eat, Pray, Love” moment where sitting sobbing in the bathroom I received divine guidance to leave my husband and go traveling the world eating amazing food. But sadly, it wasn’t quite that profound.

It was more a long series of nights sobbing in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, and concluding “You’re broken.”

I wasn’t depressed and hadn’t been for a long time. My anxiety, a lifelong companion, was under control. So what was wrong?

A general feeling of discontent, a lack of energy and enthusiasm to do more, a loss of my spark, a quietening and turning inward, and these overwhelming onslaughts of negativity and tears whenever I felt criticized or something went wrong, which was often. A sense of resentment and frustration that I’m sure ensured those around me felt less inclined toward being loving and giving me the care that I needed.

So all those nights in the bathroom crying didn’t lead me to any insight, but thankfully the universe did send me guidance in other ways.

Someone posted a video to a Facebook group I was part of by a guy named Richard Wilkins. It was called “My F*ck It Jeans.”

Richard is well in his sixties, yet here he was making a Facebook video about how he doesn’t let his age dictate how he feels, acts, dresses, or his enjoyment of life. He doesn’t worry about others’ opinions or society’s views of how someone his age should be, but instead lives true to himself, and has never been happier. And here I was in my early thirties, feeling wiped out and like my spark for life had been put out before I’d even realized I had one!

Over the next year I followed Richard on Facebook, and was drawn to drive one faithful Saturday morning to Northampton, to his Recharge Day.

Richard always says, “The reason you are there is never the reason you are there.” This certainly proved true for me. I thought I was there to find out if the course would help my husband, but after I cried myself through the first half of the morning, I quickly realized I needed to be there for me.

“You are not broken.” Richard’s words cut into my thoughts.

Did I hear him right? Did he say I’m not broken? Did I dare to believe that? And how did he know that’s how I felt? There were over 200 people in the room. Was it possible that some of them also felt broken? If so, was it likely that I was the only one who really was?

It was this question that led me to turn up on Richard’s front door step a few months later to attend a five-day Broadband Consciousness (BC) course with him and his partner, Liz, and seven other strangers, who have now become friends.

For the next five days I shared things I’d not shared with anyone before. Then I shared more.

I listened and didn’t jump in with advice. I made no plan for what I must do when I got back from the course. I didn’t look at my phone.

I struggled, then I had a breakthrough, then I struggled harder. I spoke up when I did and found others had the same struggles. I supported others and they supported me in return.

I woke up easily and full of energy. I laughed. I cried. I ate lots of biscuits and didn’t care. I felt like a very heavy weight had been lifted from my back. I felt like life didn’t have to be so damn hard anymore.

I learned a way of separating that negative voice in my head (which BC calls “the script”) from the real me.

I learned that the script is anything that doesn’t serve me and I would not choose.

I learned to recognize the real me.

I learned that the script is just thoughts based on incorrect beliefs, and that they are not true.

I learned that if I’m not choosing my experiences, my actions, and my feelings, the script will choose for me.

I learned that it’s not necessary to listen to, analyze, or try to change the script. All I need to do is recognize when it is the script talking and not me. And not believe it. And not act on it.

And I learned this not from talking about myself but from witnessing other people and the script in their heads. Because guess what? The script told them they were broken too. And useless. And they always get it wrong. And they are fat and ugly. And they are not good enough. And they are not loved. And on and on… We were literally all reading from the same script!

Since returning from the course, the impact has stayed with me and grown. After over thirty years of listening to the script, for every month I spend not believing it I get to know the real me more and ignore the script more easily.

So how can we all take steps to turn away from the script and tune into our true selves?

First off, you have to recognize the script and be open to the possibility that what it’s saying isn’t true.

In fact, make it your job to discredit the script, to prove what it’s saying to be fake news.

Remember that time it said you were dying because you were having a panic attack? Not true!

What about the time it said you couldn’t do that thing, but then you did it? Yup, it was lying!

Oh, this is a good one—how about that time it said you were worthless and no one would hire you? Ho ho ho!

Once you recognize the script you will be surprised by how many times it pops up!

Secondly, remember that you are not the script.

Think of the script as a physical book. It has many chapters documenting every mistake we’ve ever made, all the bad things that could or have happened, detailing how we ‘should’ behave, think, and feel about every situation under the sun.

The script also has an audio version, which is what we can hear in our heads each day. But it is not us. It is just the script being read to us.

If the script says you are useless, this is not true, nor relevant. It is just the script’s opinion.

Mentally put down the script and accept that, although we can’t change what’s in it or get rid of it, we don’t need to read it all day long, and we certainly don’t need to act upon what it says.

Lastly, choose! Don’t let the script sit in the driver’s seat.

The script lives in our reptilian brain and is much faster at responding than our conscious brain. If we don’t consciously choose thoughts, feelings, and actions, the script will jump in and choose for us.

Start with small things: What would I choose to eat? What activities do I love? Be mindful of what you say. Cut off the script and choose to think of something else. Get out of bed at the time you planned to. Choose not to engage in arguments. Choose to take a bath or read a book.

Every small choice moves us away from the script and strengthens our choosing muscles.

Here are my top tips for doing so:

1. Laugh or smile.

I recently went to a laughter yoga class for the first time and learned that your body and mind don’t understand the difference between forced laughter and natural laughter.

When you smile or make a laughter sound it makes you feel better. It strengthens your relationship with your true self and draws you away from the script. So as well as remembering to smile and laugh for no reason, building opportunities to laugh into your life can also be a real help.

2. Focus on what the script doesn’t see.

When you’re walking down the street, the script is on high alert for potential threats. It’s trained to look out for all the negatives and potential problems. If you (your higher self) are not alert, you will listen to all the bad things the script has spotted, not just in the street but in your job, your relationship, the activity you’re doing, your children’s behaviour, your body… and on and on.

One way to practice discontenting from the script and tuning into the real you is to focus in on all the good stuff the script filters out (in BC we call these “pearls”). Pearls don’t have to be anything huge. It could be a text from a friend, a hug for your child, a chance to grab a cup of tea in silence, or a warm bed at the end of a long day.

3. Be mindful of your language.

The more we look for something, the more it will show up in our life. This is true not just in terms of what we see in the world but also the stories we tell ourselves.

The reptilian brain (where the script lives) doesn’t take time to fact-check what it tells us, yet because it’s coming from inside our own head we tend to believe it. It’s like taking in a headline but not reading or researching the article, then accepting that headline as fact and maybe even repeating it to others.

So, if someone asks you how you are and you immediately jump in with “tired” or “stressed,” this is what you will believe and therefore how you will feel. If you moan about your partner or say critical things to them, you are repeatedly telling yourself that your partner isn’t good enough. How do you think this affects how you feel and act toward them? And the response you get in return?

4. Choose.

Start choosing instead of allowing the script to choose for you.

Choose food you know will make you feel good. Arrange activities that bring you joy. Say no to that event you don’t really want to go to. Choose to go for a walk at lunchtime. Choose to give your opinion or choose to forget the ironing and take a bath.

Do whatever you feel called to do when you really tune into your feelings rather than letting autopilot or society’s demands take over.

5. Let it pass.

A food craving lasts three minutes, so if you can ignore it for that long it will be gone. I’ve found it’s the same with the script.

When something triggers the script and you suddenly feel angry, sad, or inundated with critical thoughts, it will generally abate after a few minutes. No need to act on the script either by saying something or doing something. Let it pass, then when you’re no longer in the script decide if need to act.

Also, remember that whatever triggered the script is not responsible for your subsequent feelings, it is the script making you feel bad, not your colleague, partner, or the guy who cut in front of you in the line.

6. Share. Learn. Explore.

The world of self-development can be overwhelming. The script will always tell you that you need to learn more, fix this problem, work on yourself just a bit more. Be conscious of this and instead stick to readings and learnings that align with the simple practices I have mentioned above.

Focus on sharing as you learn rather than feeling drawn to learn more and more and more. This will reinforce the messages and in turn, you will learn through the telling.

Be aware of your learning style. If you learn from sharing, then talk to people about what you have learned here. If you learn from writing, write about your experiences or doodle your own version of how to explain the script to a stranger.

When we share what we have learned and help others, we move away from ourselves and our own problems, and this prevents us from dwelling and drawing more problems to us.

7. Exercise.

Everyone says this, but it’s for good reason. Exercising for twenty minutes a day is as effective in boosting your mood as some antidepressants. So whether you’re depressed or not, that has got to be good for you! It gets you out of your head, where the script is, and into your body.

By getting into your body, you can tune into your conscious mind, and you’ll likely find that ideas, inspiration, and solutions to your problems present themselves.

8. Listen to music that uplifts you.

Similarly, use music to get yourself out of your head and into a chosen state. Choose music that reminds you of happy times, or music that gets you energized and ready for inspired action.

9. Get competitive but not angry.

Try to avoid getting angry with the script, since it’s only trying to help, although ineffectively. Instead, develop a healthy competition with it.

If the script thinks you are too lazy to go for a walk, do it.

If the script thinks you are too scared to do something you’d love to do, do it anyway.

If the script thinks you should say no to an amazing opportunity, ignore it.

If the script wants you to lose it with your partner, choose not to.

Thank the script for its input, but remind it that your real self has the resources, experiences, and skills to deal with life without its help.

10. Keep asking, “Is this true? Would I choose this?”

Odds are, once you’ll tune into your higher self, you’re realize the answer is no. And you’ll be able to choose for yourself instead of letting the script run the show.

About Kathryn Reay

Kathryn Reay uses her experiences to deliver a one-day version of Broadband Consciousness. These intimate workshops for a maximum of six participants focus on letting go of negative self-beliefs and identities, learning to recognize the script, and choosing more positive thoughts, feelings and experiences. Past participants have described them as “life changing”! You can connect with Kathryn on Facebook and Instagram.

More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How to Take Back Control from the Negative Script in Your Head appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-take-back-control-from-the-negative-script-in-your-head/

[harahmed]

I had this dream that made me really anxious about a girl I loved in the past. It made me feel so uneasy I can’t concentrate on doing work till I write about this. I guess this can be considered the girl that got away. For people I loved either platonically or romantically in the past, I’ve always had the mind set that I care deeply for them even if I don’t talk to them anymore. That holds still holds true. In this dream, I got invited to this girl’s birthday party. It felt extremely realistic but some things didn’t line up. I don’t remember being in med school or having to move things around to go to this birthday party. It wasn’t whether or not I could go, but if I did or didn’t wanna go. I remember thinking I’m not gonna know anyone at this thing which is also unrealistic because even if I’m not friends with most of her friends I at least know some of them. I also remember feeling that I should go because I want to support her, but that’s also weird because this is a birthday party not a concert recital she’s participating in and my presence or absence probably wouldn’t have that big of an impact. While contemplating this I would just think about the time we spent in high school and college and got sooo nostalgic and happy. It makes me anxious because it felt so real. In my dream I vividly remember thinking “this is real life.” and I believed it. It felt like how it did in high school when I would just go somewhere like the park walk around and just think and reflect. It felt good. I was worried about not knowing anyone in the dream and asked one of my best friends that I made here in medical school to come with me. He’s an attractive dude. 

Fast forward to the birthday I think it was in AC or something, and the girl that invited me had friends I never knew about and I didn’t recognize anyone. Her friend group immediately fell in love with the friend I brought and I remember feeling super insecure and out of place. They made a sc group with him and would keep talking to him and I was just kinda...there. That’s more of an aside though that I wanted to mention, I felt like how I did growing up ugly as shit. Because of my trichotillomania I grew up ugly as fuck and a lot of people in say my family friend group didn’t really give me any attention and gave it all to my brother. Just thinking about it makes me feel so shitty. I remember one time specifically a really long time ago I was probably in elementary or middle school this group of girls who were either in hs or college were introduced to me and my brother. I remember when they met me they didn’t really react but when they met my brother they instantly fell in love with him. one of them exclaimed “he’s soooooo cute.” and it’s stuck with me ever since. It still bothers me. I know people aren’t perfect but it still made me feel like shit. I think that this is a big reason why I am so...idk the word. My actions and words are very loud. I really think that because a lot of people didn’t just give me attention, I started demanding it. This is actually the first time I think I’ve ever made this connection...interesting. If this disorder wasn’t an issue I would honestly be at least 2x more attractive. I am grateful for it to an extent though because it made me appreciate a lot of things that many people overlook and I think it ultimately made me a better person. The reason I believe that is because I’ve always been the type of person that can’t really empathize with someone going through something I’ve never been through. Whenever someone warned me not to do something for a specific reason I just couldn’t get it till i went through that experience (classic example is touching the stove after it’s been used.) Having this disorder gave me a lot of perspective in how powerless someone with a psychiatric disorder can feel and the types of societal pressures that can drag you down even more. This is something with such depth I would never even be able to scratch the surface of what it’s like without going through it myself. I also tend not to self reflect unless I’m going through a period of sadness or my life is relatively harder than a more peaceful period, so growing up I was always self reflecting. I made peace with the fact that I’m going to live with this disorder for the rest of my life in highschool because I felt it wasn’t worth the heart ache of “why the FUCK can’t I stop when I am trying my very best?? Am I really not good enough to over come this?” Failure was just an easier route for me and I became a lot happier after accepting it. But I think that in the long run that’s affected me negatively because this acceptance of things about myself instead of trying to change has been toxic to a lot of other aspects of my life. 

One good thing about getting older is I feel I can be a lot more open about this disorder because people aren’t as judgmental as kids. Kids don’t give a fuck lol they’ll call you fuckin weird and will make you feel like shit. Adults can be that way too, but the people in the environment are in are much more open and accepting than I would say the average person is because they’re going in the field of helping people that sometimes can’t help themselves. Another good thing about getting older is I feel I can really appreciate things a lot more than I could in the past. I have REALLY been getting into piano music and it makes me feel good. It can be so expressive and emotionally charged and beautiful and I love it. 

back to the main post. The dream ended with someone trying to steal my wallet and me and my friend getting in a fight with them over it but that isn’t really pertinent to this post. I’ve felt very uneasy though and was gonna write a post on tumblr. It felt wrong though to not tell my gf of almost three years about it.

Towards the beginning of our relationship, I realized that I did not feel the same way I did about her as I did about this other girl I dreamt about. I really think it’s because I can’t...that girl took a piece out of me that I don’t think is gonna come back. I just changed somehow after all this happened. I told my gf this and it made her understandably very upset. I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest with her because I think a relationship isn’t successful only on a set number of conditions that are satisfied but how you and your partner can work out emotionally difficult times such as this one. Well I told her about it and we kinda just both acknowledged it and moved on. It made her feel shitty and then enough time passed where I think both of us believed this wasn’t an issue anymore. I was very conflicted about telling her about this dream. She always asks me why I am okay with telling her white lies and it’s because sometimes the truth brings on stress and heartache that I feel is not worth it, so it’s easier just to lie. I could not tell whether this was one of those times and I didn’t want to tell her because I knew it would make her feel shitty and there was no real solution to this but something deep inside me just knew it was wrong to keep something like this from her. I guess it’s not lying but just not being completely honest. So I told her about it. Tbh I thought she would appreciate my honesty, and she probably does, but the conversation went just about how one would expect it to go. She told me it made her feel shitty that I still feel this way about this girl after being with her for all these years and a lot of the issues that I contribute to our relationship are in part because of that change that made me more apathetic after my relationship wit this girl. She said it was shitty because she didn’t know what to do or say about it and she hasn’t really seen much of a change in me since then with issues that revolved around this. hearing that really fucking hurt. it’s extremely difficult for me to make changes in myself for reasons I’m gonna save for a different post, but I honestly thought I was making positive strides. Doing things to make myself more complex of a person, more considerate, and make myself less of a piece of shit that plays videogames all day. I was upset she said that I haven’t changed much. I was about with her for the first 10 seconds..”how can she not see this effort I’m putting in to change.” then i took a step back and realized if she’s not seeing it I only have myself to blame. I think trying to change something about yourself and just not being able to and experiencing that constant feeling of failure is one of the worst things one could experience. just not being good enough even though you feel you’re trying while balancing the other commitments in your life. that’s especially true when you’re letting someone you love down. after telling my gf this she said she had to go and I could hear the sadness in her voice. I don’t know what to do. I initially want to regret telling her but I know in the long run this is more beneficial. I think i just figured out why. I’ve been taking the easy way out my whole fucking life it’s done some damage to the quality of a human being I am. I guess it’s a reassuring to not do that, bite the bullet and be honest even if it hurts me and someone else I truly love. 

Even though I grew up a lot since hs, i feel I was a much better person then. I probably had more flaws and stuff but I really worked hard on self improvement, which is something I can’t say in full confidence now. it just sucks. I feel that I am just better off sad sometimes. I am just a better person all around. I am more reflective, considerate, passionate. I don’t know the solution to this and it’s gonna continue to weigh heavily on me for years to come. I don’t think I am someone former me would be proud of..and that stings. 

[problemsforapl]

1/5/18

I’m not sure what I want to write about tonight. Like, there’s stuff going on with me and H but my heart’s not in it to process that stuff right now, I guess. There’s things I could, but I’ve been in a more positive mood these past few days which is an excellent deviation from the couple weeks I spent struggling with being sad and confused all the time, both for chemical and real life reasons, so spending my time when my energy is up focusing on things that make me sad sounds entirely unpalatable to me. 

I’ve got so much to look forward to right now. L and K are coming over tomorrow to make ramen and hang out at my place, and it’ll be L’s first time over here, which is cool. Sunday I’ll maybe spend part of hanging with Z, depending on how scheduling works out. Then next week I’m going on a road trip with J and T for K’s birthday and I get to see tons of people I don’t get to see often enough for the weekend, which I’m so incredibly jazzed about. And then the week after that is the second women’s march (not sure how it’s gonna turn out, but could be cool), and then the week after that is Harry Potter world with my parents and H. 

There’s so much cool shit going down just in the first month of the new year and has been going on and I’m just not in the mood to think about possibly ending one of my relationships right now. Part of it is that sort of mellowness that comes over me when I know a thing has to happen but hasn’t happened yet, so I can rationalize it away. It was like with my kitty having to be put down. The day before I basically knew that it was going to happen, but because it hadn’t happened yet, I could let myself not worry about it. Then the day came and I was devastated. 

If it goes that way I’ll be so upset because it’s so many years of us together done in one motion, and since we’ve already broken up once, the likelihood of this legit being the end is high. And H has this thing that they do where they’ll entirely cut someone out of their life because they need to get over them if they break up. And like, I get needing space away from someone you just got out of a relationship with, especially if that person ends up doing *super* well, because your brain on break up drugs can be super mean and be like “You were holding them back, look how happy they are!”, but like, they’ll unfriend the person on FB, cut all ties, not talk to them, avoid them like the plague, get territorial over certain spaces like they need to divvy up people and places like kids in a divorce. 

We’ve known each other for over 10 years at this point and they’ll probably give me that treatment which is so incredibly frustrating and upsetting. Initially, before the first time we split, that was part of why I held off on breaking up with them and ended up waiting until they did it. Despite the fact that they and I might not end up working as a couple anymore, they’re still important to me as a person and I want them in my life, but they want to rip themselves out of it entirely, and that fucking hurts. 

I say I don’t want to talk about negative things and I do. Lul. 

But I’m proud of myself for sticking to my guys, routine wise and resolution wise. Taking care of myself was less a resolution and more of a continuation of an effort I was trying to make last year. I fell flat a couple times, but the times I was brushing my teeth, scrubbing my face, doing laundry, doing the dishes, keeping the house in order, I was infinitely happier than when I let things go to shit around me. I’m sitting in my livingroom after cleaning it last night and I feel so at ease because everything is where it needs to be versus thrown around everywhere, same goes for the kitchen. So like, I’ve been brushing my teeth, washing my face, and because I take hot showers and the air is so dry, I’ve been moisturizing to help with that to some success. 

This is my third day journaling and I found myself really excited to do it tonight. Having an outlet for all my thoughts and feelings, knowing this is a place where I can dump all my thoughts, shitty or otherwise, so that I can look at them later with a rational mind, helps a great deal. 

I’m making plans with friends, like inviting K and L over to spend time, being more open when it comes to physical affection with people I’m not romantically involved with, and giving new people a shot rather than hiding from new opportunities and sticking with just old friends. I gotta branch out, expand my networks. 

The therapists office I got in contact with called me today to do a placement interview and they have hours that work with my schedule, which is the bomb, so I’m on my way to getting regular help *knock on wood*. 

I’ve started keeping a doc with all my song ideas so they don’t float away and I’m going to look into mixing software so I can start playing with that and making songs to put on youtube. I haven’t picked my guitar up except once since my depressive episode, but it’s there and I like playing it a lot. 

J and I seem to be in a good place, he and I both love each other, and although I don’t get to see him enough, he makes me happy. *knock on wood* 

And I’ve adopted a policy of taking no shit. I put on a tough exterior, but in reality I hate confrontation, so I often just let people walk all over me rather than talk with them about what’s bothering me. It’s cause me a lot of grief and is definitely a part of my martyrdom issue, so I’ve resolved to just... fucking not. I bring it up when I’m bothered, and that’s that. Respectfully, mind you, but I’m not going to ignore my feelings as to not inconvenience another because then I’m just inconveniencing myself and whatthehell is that? I’ve got to protect me. 

I’m thinking of genuinely trying to date as well. I’ve been on exactly one date from meeting someone on a dating site and it was bleh, and anxiety has kept me from doing so since. I tend to hide behind the screen and put off meeting them until it’s too late and they’re not interested or I go through one of my dryspells of using the app and then start the cycle all over again. But it could be fun. Maybe meet a cool girl, see how things go. Preface that I have a relationship already that takes some amount of priority, as I don’t see J often enough, but that rarely will get in the way, I think. It’s something I need to talk about with my therapist. 

Focusing on the positives, trying to complain less. 

Certainly not diet, but monitor what I’m eating in terms of... nutritional robustness, and edging towards a more vegan way of living. 

Reading way more. I’m thinking of starting to maintain a list of the books I’ve read by year, see if I can’t up my score each year. 

Making patches and selling them on Etsy.

Just... lots of good effort that I’m proud of and things to look forward to.